#im legit so happy with this omg I love this so much IS MY BOY'S FAMILY PIN!!!

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[n0vazsq]

Romeo and Juliet | RC5 x Reader

pairing . . . rafael camara x non!famous!reader

summary . . . When an iconic kiss happens after Rafael's championship win, fans dig deep to find out who the mystery girl is

request . . . kind of?

word count . . . N/A

warnings . . . none! just some badly translates portuguese bc i dont speak it...

faceclaim . . . random girls from pin // reader isn't fluent in portuguese so she doesn't speak it much but i'll put translations when she does

alexavia yaps . . . legit had this in my drafts for like a week ive been procrastinating this for AGES like idk why?? SO SORRY ITS SHORT </3 anyway i hope you guys like this bc its a bit rushed and kinda shitty like.... also theres gonna be some prema driver features so yeah!!

yourusername

liked by rafaccamara88, premaracing, jameswharton and 681 others

yourusername race one done!! can't wait for race two! my boy is going to win the championship <3 tão orgulhoso de você meu amor! te amo muito <3 (so proud of you my love! love you so much <3) tagged: rafaccamara88

click to view all comments

yourfriend1 congrats to rafa! Liked by yourusername

rafaccamara88 muito obrigada, princesa (thank you so much, princess)

yourusername so proud of you rafa!! you deserve it!

yourbsf GUYS MY HEART

username mom and dad

username i'm so happy y/n isn't famous we need to gatekeep her

username she's the best WAG and also so nice!! we have to protect her from the public eye

username the cutest couple Liked by yourusername

rafaccamara88

liked by yourusername, premaracing, yourbsf and 231k others

rafaccamara88 we did it! thank you so much for the prema team and my teammates! and to my amazing girlfriend, thank you for the support and encourgment. i wouldn't be here without you ❤ tagged: premaracing, jameswharton, ugougochukwu, yourusername

click to view all comments

username CONGRATS RAFA

username VAMOS BRASILIA!

username amazing race!

yourusername AWW OMG <33 ILYSM RAFA!! CONGRATS ON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!

rafaccamara88 I LOVE YOU MORE

username GUYS DID YALL SEE Y/N AND RAFAS KISS I AM NOT OKAY

username THE KISS OMGGGGG

username THEM KISSING WAS SO ICONIC

f1waggossip

liked by motorsportwags, premaladies, frecagfs and 661k others

f1waggossip who was the girl behind rafael camara's iconic championship kiss? find out more about yourusername and who she is!

click to view all comments

username NOOO MOTHER Y/N IS BECOMING KNOWN TO THE PUBLIC

username we failed in our mission guys </3

yourusername didn't know i became famous, thanks ig?

username HELP I LOVE YOU Y/N

yourusername sorry!! i only love rafa 🥰

username she's so pretty wtf?? i'm jealous

username RAFA WATCH IT SHES MINE

username FELL TO MY KNEES Y/N ISNT OUR SECRET ANYMORE

yourusername

liked by rafaccamara88, premaracing, racerbia and 12.4k others

yourusername guess im famous now? dont worry ill NEVER forget my og followers <3

click to view all comments

username dont forget us y/n

yourusername never queen

username y/n saying she'll never forget the og fans 🥹 my heart can't take this

rafaccamara88 i'll love you even if you were the least famous person on this earth

yourusername RAFA HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

yourbsf if you didn't tell him you told ME

racerbia Y/N WE NEED YOU IN THE ACADEMY RACES

yourusername I PROMISE IM TRYING TO ATTEND ALL OF THEM BUT THE FRECA SCHEDULE DOESNT LINE UP </3

jameswharton my best friend is becoming famous 😔

yourusername i'll never forget you jamie

username Y/N AND THE PREMA RACERS IM GONNA CRY

username HER CALLING JAMES 'jamie' I'M DEAD

jameswharton

liked by rafaccamara88, yourusername, racerbia and 98.1k others

jameswharton sappiest but cutest couple i know tagged: rafaccamara88, yourusername

click to view all comments

yourusername aren't we the only couple you know?

rafaccamara88 yes james

jameswharton SHUT UP N/N

yourusername no <3

username not y/n and james fighting HELP

username AWW THEYRE SO CUTEEE

username james wharton, professianal rafay/n photographer

racerbia my photos are better what is this?

yourusername yes yes they are

jameswharton why is everyone bullying me today??

rashidaldaheri rashid erasure

yourusername sorry rashid xx

rafaccamara88

liked by yourusername, yourbsf, jameswharton and 184k others

rafaccamara88 minha linda menina. eu te amo mais do que tudo. tenho muita sorte de ter você na minha vida para me apoiar e me animar. te amo ❤ (my beautiful girl. i love you more than anything ever. i am so lucky to have you in my life to support me and cheer me on. love you) tagged: yourusername

click to view comments

username SHES SO PRETTY

username my wife rafa back off

yourusername eu te amo mais do que tudo <33 (i love you more than anything)

rafaccamara88 <3

racerbia woah

rafaccamara88 me on a daily basis

yourusername YOU GUYS I LOVE YOU

jameswharton FINE ILL ADMIT IT

yourusername say it jamie

jameswharton ...you are aesthetic

yourusername WOOHOO!

username i need a rafa-y/n kind of love

username young love is beautiful

username modern day romeo and juliet

[hils79]

Hils Watches Lovely Runner - Ep 3

Allow me to be shallow for a moment but I am enjoying how often he is wet in this drama

It's funny because I was literally just thinking about this. Clearly Im Sol can affect what happens in the future or why would she have been sent to the past in the first place. But maybe some things can't be changed. Maybe Sunjae was always destined to become an idol and that can't be changed. Very interesting.

Sunjae's like 'yep, definitely never saw you before you approached me at the pool that time. Definitely have not been pining over you for months'

Look at him blowing kisses at her door like a total loser. I love him. Have I mentioned that I am a sucker for men who are complete idiots for the women they love? That's a big part of the appeal of Bridgerton for me as well

LMAO busted!

I'm guessing that's not going to happen because, you know, career ending injury. But she is absolutely going to lose her mind when he eventually does confess.

I love this change in dynamic so much Him: we'll go to a nice restaurant and I'll confess my feelings Her: we'll go to a very basic cafe that serves healthy food because he's an athlete and needs to take care of his body They are both so cute!

I love her so much! And this is before she finds out he has feelings for her. She's just happy to be on a platonic lunch date with her idol.

He is such a dork I love him so much! Did a legit fist pump when he found out she doesn't like bad boy guitarist

Him: I don't want to do cute poses Also him: I'm dying look at her face

Can't tell my bias that I really need to pee. Wait do they not have toilets on coaches in Korea?

Oh, yeah, I legit forgot about him. Oops.

Aww I hope Im Sol arrives soon to give him a hug. OOH is she going to end up being the reason he becomes a singer? She can't tell him about the future but she can suggest he try something else, right? And bad boy (I really need to try and remember his name) is in a band so maybe he can help.

God, this poor boy. Just found out he can never compete again and his whole family has shown up to plan his trip to the Olympics

Oh! Somehow I missed the fact that this guy was in the idol group with Sunjae in the future

Okay, seriously, how do you not notice the kitchen is on fire when you are standing/sitting right there. Surely they'd feel the heat if nothing else

Aww there we go she put out the fire before her mother got burned so some things can be changed!

Aww that's the first time he's smiled since he got the news about his shoulder

She made him laugh. I'm definitely not crying.

Aww he finally said it! But she's so drunk there's no way she'll remember

Ooh that happened way sooner than I expected

I'm kind of surprised she even remembers them listening to music together tbh

OMG it recorded them when she stepped on it! Did not see that coming! IS SHE GOING TO HEAR THE CONFESSION?

NOOOOOOOOO! She took out the headphones right before he confessed WHY

WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S BACK IN 2022??????

AND NOW TEENAGE!HER HAS AGREED TO DATE BAD BOY RIGHT IN FRONT OF SUNJAE'S SALAD! I NEED A PAPER BAG TO BREATHE INTO

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - January 26th

taco anon - grayromantic anon (new) - no worries anon - 🐝 anon (new) - rambling anon (new) - middle grader anon (new) - label anon (new) - confidante anon (new)

Taco Anon

hey, it's taco anon

this is completely different from my last ask lolll but i wanted to share this bc little things like this help remind me that there is good in the world

im friends with these two boys and they've been best friends for a lot longer than i've known them. one of them is really musically talented - like he can hear a song and then know the keys on the piano and like play it after hearing it once. (i think this is so freaking cool) but i recently learned that when the other boy has a new favorite song, the piano one will learn how to play it for him.

it's honestly so sweet and i love them both so much😭😭😭

hope youre having a great day xoxo

OMG this is so sweet and it made my day 😍 honestly we need more reminders of good things like this

____________________________

Grayromantic anon

hi cas, how are you?

i needed to ask you how to get over a crush because i think i have a crush on a friend of mine

i don’t know what to do about it, because i really like him but he’s straight so i know he doesn’t like me back

the thing is, i’m aromantic or grayromantic or something, and i don’t think i would like to date him even

i like being friends with him, and i don’t want to date him. maybe i would like to be a bit closer but it’s not that important to me, you know? i’m just happy as it is now

which is why i have such conflicting feelings, because on one hand i think i do like him in a romantic way, but on the other i wouldn’t want to date him

i wish i could just forget about this and move on as normal

wishing you all the best :))

Hi!

Okay so I think at this point it might be a good idea to like..get some of these feelings out in a healthy way? You said you have conflicting feelings, you know? So I'd suggest maybe writing about it or drawing about it. Try to get those feelings down on paper and seeing if you can make a little more sense of them once they're not just rolling around in your brain. I know it's hard to have a million conflicting thoughts battling in you head to getting them out could really help <3

_______________

No Worries Anon

It has been a while since I sent an ask ig so I’m here for an update

Hello, it’s No Worries Anon

So… me and that friend reallllly haven’t talked at all outside of convos in class

And now that my class has ended, we have had legit no convos

Like… the last genuine convo through text that we had was earlyyyyy December, so it has been about 2 months since that.

They still haven’t called me my name. Still. Which sucks so much for me

Anyways, another person who hasn’t called me my name actually told another person my name, so that is cool

Nonetheless, it’s still rough having no one who respects me

Hi <3 I'm so sorry that things haven't gotten better. I want to remind you that whether or not you're getting respect, you DESERVE respect. Not only do you deserve to be called by the right name, but you deserve to be respected in every other way. Don't forget that <3

_______________________

🐝 anon

Hi! I know you said I didn't need to respond but I just wanted to say you are so valid for feeling overwhelmed. Please be gentle with yourself. I'm sending you so much love, and please try to take care of yourself, you deserve it <3

_____________________

Rambling Anon

His Cas! First of all, I just want to thank you for being so ridiculously sweet with everyone and always answering these asks. People often message me and leave asks too, but I’m so socially awkward that I never answer, and then I feel bad about it 😭. Like, the kind of bad where you stare at the unanswered messages, pretend they don't exist, and then suddenly remember them at 2 a.m. while eating cereal straight from the box. But I can’t help it. I have too much social anxiety.

Second of all... I've been writing a fic since May of last year, so… a while. I just hit 200k words, which is wild. And honestly? Terrifying. Like, how did I even get here?

The problem is, I have no clue what I’m doing. English isn’t my first language, so half the time, I’m convinced my grammar is out here committing war crimes. I feel like my writing is clunky, my dialogue is awkward, and the whole story feels so dull that I second guess every decision I’ve made.

And what’s worse... I’m nowhere near done. At best, I think I’m halfway through if I stick to my plan. If I want to tell the story the way I imagined, it’s probably going to be 400k words. For my first fic. What was I thinking?! Every time I open my documents, I feel like I’m drowning in timelines and backstories and just everything.

The worst part is, I want so much from this. I want the characters to feel real, the relationships to feel natural, the development to actually make sense. I want everything to matter, you know? But the more I try, the more I feel like I’m losing control.

I know I should probably get a beta reader to help, but that involves, you know, asking someone. And since we’ve already established I’m a socially awkward disaster, and too shy to ask anyone. Like, they're about to spend hours of their time reading it, it's too embarrassing.

This story means so much to me, and I really want to see it through. I want to finish it. I need to at least try. I love what I’ve created, but at the same time, I can’t stop hating it. It’s this weird love-hate relationship where I’m so proud of what it could be, but I’m constantly second guessing if it’s even worth it.

Most days, I come home from work completely drained, and even though I’m exhausted, I feel guilty if I don’t sit down to write immediately. It’s like I owe this story every bit of energy I have left but then I sit there staring at the screen, overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing.

I’m sorry for rambling here. I didn’t mean to unload all of this. But I really wanted to ask... Do you have any advice? Anything that could help me keep going and actually finish this thing? I just want to make it to the end without completely losing my mind in the process. I love your writing and I love your fics. And your work really makes me want to at least try.

Hi!

Okay so first, thank you <3 trust me, I often get overwhelmed by messages, it's just...tumblr is easier for some reason.

As far as your fic.

I think you need to reevaluate the amount of pressure you're putting on yourself. Writing fanfic is supposed to be FUN. If it's not fun, you're doing it wrong. You have no deadline, and have no responsibility to anyone. So a few things:

If you have any comments on your fic, read through the comments. They always make me feel better.

If you have anyone who follows your fic already, maybe that could be a good person to ask to beta? They already are following, you know? It's not hard for them to jump in.

Remember it does not have to be perfect. This is not published. You can go back and change things a million times! Again, this is supposed to be fun <3 If it's not, try taking a few breaths and doing whatever brought you to fandom in the first place. It's okay to take breaks and take care of yourself <3

I wish you so much luck!

________________

Middle Grader Anon

Okay so basically this anon asked what zionism is.

And for this, I'm going to say that though I understand what it is in theory...I don't think I'm educated enough to give a properly nuanced answer. I would say the best person to ask would be a history teacher. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help!

_________________

Label Anon

Hiii, I just had a little question to ask you, there’s nothing bad going on my life or anything, I just wanted tips on how to find my sexuality. I know that this maybe sounds like a stupid question but I really want to come out to my parents and I know that they support but I don’t really know what to say. I would like for me to know what my sexuality is before I try to explain some things to them. I would understand myself better if I had a label so I really wanted to know how to find it, I searched some things online and I think the sexuality I relate to the most is omnisexuality, but sometimes also pansexuality so I don’t really know. Do you have any tips on how to find my label?? Tyy<3

Hi <3

I think this is a hard question because like...labels are very different and personal for each person, and you don't even have to have one. I think if you really feel you need one, maybe see if you can talk to someone with the labels you might relate to and see if you feel similarly to how they feel? But also like...your sexuality is valid whether or not you have a definitive label. It's okay to tell your parents you're queer, and leave it at that. You are still just as part of the community, and your feelings are just as real <3 You don't have to rush yourself or push yourself to find a more detailed label yet, or at all.

__________________

confidante anon

Heyy cas! I messaged a few days ago saying how i loved ur fics nd i cane across how ure constantly helping people you're the most amazing everr. Um im sending this cuz like i rlly need someone to talk to rn theres too much going on and i was wondering if u cold be my, idk, confidante? Lmk wht u think of that!!

Hi!

You're absolutely welcome to vent or ask for advice in my inbox any time, my dear <3

[setholopod]

yttd unpopular opinion: gashu is hot and deserves more simps(in response to the one post about yttd-related asks). also keiji shinogi chose the worst shade of yellow to dye his hair with. it legit looks like piss. also get some sleep mf. also i feel bad for hinako man, gurl's only value in her eyes was having information. she got like betrayed and stuff by the skinny green haired slut, its so unfair. also nankidai HOW DARE YOU NOT MAKE A RANMARU ROUTE ur telling me sara cant escape with this mop headed little sheep boi?!!?! tsk, sighs in major disappointment i expected more out of you nankidai. safalin is.. um. kind of an asshole?? kind of not?? mixed opinion here. in love w/ her design, though. also imo what she did to rio ranger(returning his emotions to him and turning him back to rio laizer) wasn't really cruel, i hope we get to see more of rio laizer in the last part of ch3. mai's arc is so amazing. big qmai shipper here. just yes. like im not too good at putting stuff into words but i love how she at first treats him the same way she'd treat her customers at the bakery- with a fake, bouncy, happy go lucky attitude, and it makes him uncomfortable, but when she starts acting like her real self he accepts her for who she is and prefers it to the mask she'd put on before. also bro forgave her for(literally) stabbing him in the back, that is so cute. its always 'the keiji simps' STFU WHERE MY KURUMADA SIMPS AT??? maple doesnt realize how LUCKY she was to get a face full of that guys tiddies. also in the emotion route when he asks reko to sing its just so frickin cute omg when everyones listening and glasses guy is like clapping and stuff :( reko x nao is so real, but honestly i dont ship naosara too much. like in the massacre ending i interpreted as like, platonic and stuff. i just think itd be sweet that way without making it romance. kanna is smarter than a lot of people give her credit for. she made the conscious decision to go alone with sou's lies in ch1 and she herself says its because she felt like sou had more useful info than kai, and one or the other had to go. i dont rmmber where she says so exactly?? but ill shoot my shot and assume its the emotion route. mishima is a madly underrated character. nao has a truly noble teacher. kai is canonically my wife. i have a lot of yttd related stuff dont mind me 😌🎀

ONE FOR EACH!!!!!!

one. as an official old mad lover i can confirm he's kinda hot. annoying? yes. hot? also yes.

two. YES BRO IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE PISSED ON HIM?!?!?! (me /hj)

three. i get this but as an original hinako fan i cannot stand her i dunno it's the attitude. she did NOT deserve to get kebabbed though.

four. hah. i HATE ranmaru so i can't relate. i giggled and CLAPPED when bro died. (he put me through hell in your turn to shine and also he killed my dude in the logic route </3)

five. I LOVE RIO RANGER // LAIZER SO MUCH I HOPE HE COMES BACK. and as for safalin me and my friend both agreed she's okay because she bends over in that chapter three

six. YESYEYSYEYSYEYS i love qmai (i don't SHIP-ship it but it's cute platonically and i love their relationship) and i love how they both had really good development towards each other and the others. UGH cubetaro hamburger makes me sick i adore him (my baseball husband </3)

seven. I AM HERE. I AM HERE. KURUMADA CAN GET IT ALL DAY ALL NIGHT. he makes me giggle i wanna take him out to lunch >_<

eight. i love naoreko!!! the scene in the alice route with nao painting mishima with reko AIRUHKETHJ. THEY HAVE SUCH A WHOLESOME RELATIIONSHIP UGHGHG. naosara makes me... eugh. since sara's seventeen and nao is implied to be in college so. uhghguhg i dunno. doesn't sit right with me?

nine. i've done the emotion route and. i don't remember this. hahahah. i love kai and hate sou so i'll just ignore it /silly. but. kanna IS a lot more important than sou (she has a higher survival rate than sou guys. it is more LOGICAL to choose her. but whatever.) i love kanna

ten. yYEYSYES?!?!?! I LOVE MISHIMA SO MUCH HE IS MY WIFE AND ALSO JUST SUCH A GOOD AND HONEST MAN?!??! the scenes with him and gin or kanna or nao made me wanna cry honestly. i hope we find out where his head went.

eleven. i think you mean. OUR wife!!!

UHG THANK YOU FOR THIS... FRIEND!!!!

[neonmetro]

OMG MERMAID MELODY ?????? OMG IM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE I LOVE THAT SHOW SO FUCKING MUCH. AND SHUGO CHARA......OH BROTHER... THOSE TWO I LOVE SOOOO MUCH AS A KID BUT COULD NEVERR FIND THE TITLES FOR THEM BECAUSE I COULD ONLY FIND EPISODES ON YOUTUBE RIGHT ?? BUT HOLY SHIT MY NEW SCHOOL ACTUALLY HAS LIKE 10 FUCKING BOOKS OF SHUGO CHARA IM THEIR LIBRARY AND I LOST MY SHIT OVER IT ( I'm literally such a die hard for Shugo chara I'm so glad someone shares the love for it like I do )

IM PRECURE WAS LITERALLY MY LIFE I FEAR.........I've watched every single one and ohhh boy 😭😭😭😭 AND IVE WANTED THE TOYS SINCE I WAS LITTLE.....BUT THEIR SO EXPENSIVE ONLINE !!!!!!! *shakes fist in the sky* BUT GLITTER FORCE WAS DEFINITELY INTERESTING ? SO SAY THE LEAST LMAO *cries*

I remember when I first watched madoka magica......God bless I cried so much ( I still loved it though ) I tried to watch it a second time and completely forgot my little sister was in the room LMAO and had to turn it off because she got scared 😞😞😞😞

But another mahou shojo I LOVE TO DEATH is Ojamajo doremi. THAT TOOK UP ALOT OF MY CHILDHOOD......I JUST LOVE THE WAY THEY TRANSFORMMMMM THE MUSIC AND EVERYTHING IS SO AWESOME AND JUST SO...RAHHHHHH

I also have the card captor sakura Clow cards sitting in my room rn.....( and up to book 6 of sailor moon ) I stare at it everyday THEIR SO PRETTY. I also have sailor moon figures and I sailor moon.... GUYS, I THINK PARIS ANON LIKE MAGICAL GIRL....!!!!!

while I'm on this may, I recommend some precure you might like based on other magical girl shows you seem interested in.......

Star twinkle precure - I LOVE THIS ONE SOOOO MUCH.....it's about a girl who meets an alien girl, and it's so sweet *wipes tear in yuri* the way they transform is to DIEEE FOR. they draw out their transformations while singing, and it's AWESOME they also collect zodiac pins and can transform into said Zodiac :3

Go ! Princess Precure - this one kinda reminded me of pitchi pitchi mermaid melody for some reason.....probably because theirs a mermaid cure but ANYWAYS it's about a girl who goes to an elite school and it's so awesome, especially with the princess theme

Kira Kira al a mode - this one is about food.....which is so awesome it's about how food provides happiness and if you don't put love into the food you make then the world becomes sad....( they also run a cafe similar to Tokyo mew mew ) they are also based on animals :3

Heart catch - that one is always everyone's favorite, and I swear anyone who has watched precure has recommended this one first. It's honestly just peak

I COULD RECOMMEND THE WHOLE FRANCHISE BUT.......THANK YOU NEON I LOVE RANTING ABOUT MAGICAL GIRLS.....

-paris anon

SHUGO CHARA LEGIT CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY. THE SHEER STYLE AND TOPICS THAT THEY DELVE INTO (that aren't about that fuck ass emo cat) ARE DONE SO WELL....

PRECURE LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD 😢😭😭😭 i really need to watch it but idk if it has a dub and my little goldfish needs it to be dub otherwise i get bored.... (so um. that's why i watched glitter force .)

THE TOYS ARE GENUINELY SO COOL LIKE i got 4 big ones but these are the ones i can immediately find)

YEAH THAT'S THE UNFORTUNATE PART OF PMMM YOU WILL IN FACT GET TRAUMATIZED IF YOU'RE TOO YOUNG AND BE SCARED OF PEAK...

OHHH I SAW DOREMI BEFORE .... tbh taiwan has so much gacha of it ??? didn't know it was so popular there but their designs are sooo cutes

SAILOR MOON COVERS IS GENUINELY SO PEAK. i got a random assortment...?? idk i also got 2 vols of the japanese ver but their covers are of my fav characters so its so awesome

OHHH MY GOD SAILOR MOON FIGURES...... THAT SOUNDS SO AWESOMEEE SAKURA MERCH IS SOOO PRETTYYYY like how do they do it. what crack cocaine do they feed those merch artists

been thinking about getting some bc i just rewatched crystal but also I Don't Think I Have The Room for more figures lol...

I'LL DEF HAVE TO CHECK THESE SHOWS OUTTTTT TY PARIS ANON FOR THE RECOMMENDATIONS!!!! houghhgg you got me at mermaid and zodiac i am a SUCKER for that stuff I NEED MORE FRILLY MAGICAL GIRLS I'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF IT FOR TOO LONG (RIPS OFF MY SHIRT

(QUICK EDIT I JUST READ THE 2ND ASK)

OFCCC I LOVE HEARING OTHER PEOPLE RANT ABOUT MAHOU SHOUJO ITS SO NICE TO TALK TO OTHERS ABOUT THIS AWESOME GENRE.......

[televised-exorcism]

OMG YALL

Today I bought a real human skull from the curiosity shoppe downtown. He was ONLY 900$ and Ive named him Justin after several boys I've loved (and lost over the year) and I was SO happy on the taxi ride home telling the cab driver about my new skull...

This skull is a gift from my confident, larger-than-life, charismatic af, impossible to ignore, gorgeous, terrifying and powerful as hell 39 year old self to the painfully lonely, inexpressibly creepy mournful 11 year old only-child-with-no-friends-only-books self, because that yanno that disturbed, morbid, lonely little girl is DEEPLY loved by me, and is protected by me, and Cause tbh if we (entitled communist millennials who hate capitalism and know there are better ways) aren't out here healing our inner child, working on processing and healing those inherited traumas and carefully undoing these nasty inter-generational curses, then WHAT are we doin?

Also!!! If I can give one piece of advice:

heal ur inner child, y'all. Yall motherfuckers need this so bad lmao you might not even KNOW how bad u need it but trust me y'all need this shit..

Tbh, I used to be pretty ableist and think the whole 'inner child' shit was some fake-ass, overly sensitive politically correct granola flavored hippie shit, but NO... It is hella real and hella cathartic and beneficial to do these practices..

THERE IS LEGIT HEALING TO BE GAINED from comforting, loving, honoring and bonding with the child inside you, -THE CHILD U USED TO BE- which, like all esoteric mystical shit is eternal and can be accessed at any time.

When I first started to heal my inner lil kid, I would visualize the following: id envision myself as I was at various ages: a redheaded, dirty eight year old, filthy from playing outside, with a smear of jelly by my mouth from the lunch my stepdad made me, or an overweight, awkward 10 year old in a training bra who just wants to fit in and feel normal.. or my an angry thirteen year old self, freshly pulled out of public school (thanks to my rad af mom for that move) and learning to be an UNSCHOOLER, discovering cute boys, and cigarettes, and telling adults snarkily that I wasn't "rebellious" but SUBVERSIVE and watching those same adults grow pale for lack of good response..

So ANYWAY, I take the small, scared, abused, neglected child that I used to be, and i hold that child tight in my arms (in my minds eye)

I Let them sit on my lap, and I Hug them, and I cuddle and I rock that child, and make them feel safe, and seen, and loved and valued. i Tell my lil baby self that I Love them so much, how happy I am that we've made it this far. I promise to them that NOBODY IS GONNA HURT THEM EVER AGAIN, because they got me NOW and then i assure my inner child that it is safe to feel their feelings, that it's okay to cry, and that adult me won't ever betray the child in me that im working to heal.

Ngl y'all... when I first tried to do this work it was uncomfortable and made me sad and Made . Me . FUCKING. CRYYYYY. So hard. Like legit UGLY CRYIN LMAO but you know what?

I LET MYSELF CRY cause I knew that eventually, on the other side of those tears was something better and that all that pain would purge and lead to something precious. and it did.. and you know what the best, most rewarding fuckin feeling is??

Knowing that the 11 year old me that I once was is TOTALLY in-fucking-love with the 39 year old me That I am, and tbh it feels so good to be the person I've always wanted to be: I am confident and unafraid, a lil scary maybe, I love and honor my intuition, I'm tattooed as all hell, I'm dangerous, sexy, mysterious, intimidating, talented, hilarious, kind, willing to act in solidarity with my comrades, I'm beautiful, able to preform feminity without that performance ruling me n having fun while doing it, I'm capable as hell, humble, comfortable and at ease in my skin (and at any weight) I'm glamorous the way my great wise aunties seemed glamorous to me as a child, shockingly intelligent, super quick witted, eager and willing to learn new skills, fun and relaxed company to be around, a college educated lover of arts and music and books, not afraid to try new things, and always honoring myself...

I will be 40 years old in April of 2025, and I've already lived 5 lifetimes worth of doing!! I've been: a clown, acircus preformer, a heroin dealer, a lead singer in a ton of bands, a friendly and reasonable pimp, an alternative model, a part time SW, a burlesque dancer, a professional tarot reader medium and astrologer/, a house wife who was married for a decade, a witch for hire,.. I have legit done And been basically EVERYTHING I wanted to be and do- I wanted to be a good musician so I taught myself to sing and play guitar and ukulele, along with violin, viola and cello, etc.

I wanted to be a successful tattoo artist so I taught myself to tattoo (and now I'm 15 years into a hella fulfilling tattoo career doin what I love)...

I've done so much in 39 years that I'm literally challenging myself to come up with new goals and aspirations and endeavors to learn/conquer cause I've done EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO. Lol

[viaviavie]

omg via…— I jst saw and read through your silver fanfic… and you legit made me so… surprised !!1 and liek extremely happy because I love the FIC so much !! I literally found myself reading through again multiple times and it’s ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!! I REALLY LOVE THE WAY DIASMONIA HELPED US LIKE- ESPECIALLY SEBEK OH GOD HE WAS SO FUNNY, and the whole diasomina dorm is so silly omg… I love them all so much— mal, lilia, and sebek is going to be my best wingman when I literally get married to silver, are we going to wed him omg?!!😻😻—

Idk how much I can describe how much I love it because I’m like dying to how amazing it is—!! 😭😭 You offer so much in that silver that I can’t even imagine how long it took to make it… IM TRULY GRATEFUL EVERY ONE OF YOUR WORK, I LOVE ALL OF THEM, BUT MY FAVORITE IS DEFINITELY THAT SILVER FIC !2!1!1!1 you deserve lots and lots of kudos on your majestic work !1!1!1 amazing work !! I hope you passed all do your exams and get good rest because you deserves it lots btw, of course I cannot forget to tell to take care of yourself because you seriously deserves it !!

I’m looking forward to seeing more of your work because i genuinely found myself rereading most of your work, especially that silver fic— ARGHH I LOVE IR SO MUXH, you’re truly one of my favorite authors, and the first one I speak and request to… I’m new-ish… heh BUT I HOPE THIS SILLY AND CIRNGY/… MESSAGE OF MY MIND CAN tell U HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR WORK, KEPP FOING VIA 💪💪💪💪

STOP ANON IM GOING TO AGGRESSIVELY HUG YOU

i had a lot of fun writing that silver fic, and im super glad that you enjoyed it! something just clicked when i saw your request. it's not quite involving the critters, but we do have an oblivious silver who is barely conscious enough during the day to even process poor prefect's advances.

i loved playing around with the role of the 'fairy godmothers'. we have our diasomnia boys bringing in their full support for this relationship!

i'd like to share a bit of my director's cut; i did want to play around with the idea of sebek trying to push more ideas onto the prefect. he would definitely do everything to accomplish the task of getting you and silver together, even if it meant begging kalim to loan the magic carpet for just one night. i also entertained the idea of lilia using a poison apple as a joke to re-enact snow white! and ah, poor malleus, so inexperienced in the romance department but he tries to understand the nuances through your affections for silver!

anywhooo, thank you so much for all your support! i embrace the silliness of it all, and you're so so welcome in my inbox :)

[subskz]

alr strap up IN ladies nd gays grindset live reaction to bb4 REAL (⬅️ pretending like the warnings aint got me quaking in my boots)

THE TWIN FLAMES CONVO I AM GIGGLING ND KICKING MY FEET DAWG THEY ARE SAUR CUTE I’M SICK,,, got me feelin delusional fr like yes chanathan nd i are soulmates thx for asking 😏 “do you like your reflection?” ”for once i do” SHUT THE FAWK UPPP I’LL CRY YOU THINK IGAF?!?!

hol up another #ourgeniusgrindset moment,,, a bitch just realized this goes back to bb1 THE FUCKEN PART WHERE Y/N TELLS CHANNIE TO PUT A FLAME BY HER CONTACT IN THE LIBRARY?!?! THE FUCKEN FORESHADOWING?!?!? MISSUS RIN YOU ARE INSANE FOR THIS ONE LITERALLY GOT ME FEELING LIKE THIS CONNECTING THE DAWTS

i loved that whole ass bowling scene like legit i would read 500k words of just y/n and hyungline fucking around THEY ARE SAUR SPECIAL TO ME 🥹🫶🏽 BUT LEE KNOW’S ANNOYING ASS PROVOKING,,, i’m glad y/n is losing patience wit him like mf i will show you a temper 🤣 nd changbinnie once again slaying as the best damn character in this fic i love him saur moch ngl it kinda makes me soft tht he still cares so much about y/n’s feelings even tho minho is his close bestie

OK IM BOUTTA DIVE BACK IN SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE QUEENIE

HERE WE GO!! please step up to the podium and never leave my dearest grindset hehe you know i love reading ur feedback like the finest literature!

they are so disgustingly in love aren’t they…thank you for supporting all the lovey dovey nonsense that ensues between channie and the reader HAHA i simply can’t help myself…them being twin flames gives me the perfect excuse for them to be this corny 🥰 I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CAUGHT THAT DETAIL…our genius grindset indeed omg ur mind is sharp as ever! yes i wanted to include lil hints of them being twin flames all throughout the story but i thought it’d be more fun if it wasn’t acknowledged until the end hehe…and thermodynamics + the emphasis on temperature was the opportunity for that >:) it seriously warms my heart that u noticed smth as small as that!

that’s so sweet of you to say 😭 u know i love my hyung line boys don’t test me i might just actually do it! i’m really happy you enjoy the scenes w them they’re lots of fun to write! BINNIE <333 truly our best boy and the reader’s lifeline…now that bb is complete it’s safe to say i had the best time writing him throughout the story! and yes! as much as bin loves lino he also has a lot of love for the reader that she underestimates ㅠ

judging by where you’ve left off things are abt to get a lil bumpy out there…i wish u the best of luck w the rest of pt.4 babe ♡

[princecosmosanon]

okay okay, so ik you just responded to an anon ab hearts on the mend but i need to tell you how much i absolutely cherish this fic so hold onto your horses-

i legit have not ever run across a smth like this. i mean ive seen the same tropes, pairings, good characterization etc but i have not actually had a character fulfill my petty wishes! im a very “oh you said this so ima do x, y and z” person AND THAT’S WHAT SOKKA DID. I WAS SO HAPPY WTF. it’s totally unhealthy but i adore me some angst and miscommunication.

i also love angry katara. im not the biggest fan of her but i dont hate her and how you wrote her here made me excited to see her again.

additionally, the characterization is beautiful *chefs kiss* not to mention ZUKO. omg.

i kinda want sokka to run into another alpha/beta or someone that’ll listen to him and help comfort him knowing that zuko is so distant. then zuko, not having sokka’s smell at all, only being able to smell said other person. hehehh i live for drama.

cant wait for what you have planned next, and thank you so much for sharing! take all the time you need, writing is supposed to be fun, not just another chore to tick off (unless you prefer it that way? if so, you do you). you had no obligation to share this with us but omg im so glad you did <3

It’s okay! I savored this ask for a long while so I could bask in it~ hope you don’t mind :3

I’m so glad you feel my characters hit just the right marks for you! Sokka has been a lot of fun to write! I feel like I could make him a little snarkier, a little more sarcastic, but he doesn’t feel fully at home right now and doesn’t want to make a bad impression even after he’s had so many bad impressions from Zuko. He’s still gotta do his best so his family and tribe reap the benefits of his marriage. Such a dutiful boy!

Angry Katara… I feel like she is owed… so much! Like, I get it. In the show she was barely a teenager and she still had so much love and hope in her heart, but there’s something so satisfying about a character who is usually so kind and patient and good just… letting themselves also feel the very depths of their negative emotions. Katara has already experienced sadness and grief. She deserves to relish her rage!

Haha! Zuko is already super jealous of the other characters Sokka hangs around. ;3 He definitely has his reasons for hanging back though. Hopefully you’ll get to know what they are sooner rather than later??

Anyway, I’m so happy to know my fic is one you enjoy~ I wish I had all the time and inspiration in the world to write, but alas, I’m very very busy most days of my week. I rarely have a day just to myself anymore. And often when I sit down to write the words just… don’t happen.

Still, I haven’t given up on myself or my story. Hopefully you and all the other readers don’t either.

Thank you again for your kind message! I really do appreciate it! <3

[bonesandthebees]

Opens door gently this time

Soooo i went to reread the last two chapters of stars but then i kept seeing a reference to the previous chapter and next thing you know I've scrolled to chapter 20 😭

Anyways long story short i binged chapters 20-28 of stars today LMFAOOO

I cant believe so much shit happens with no break like huhhh, i thought it was 2 chapters of intenseness but nope 😭 those poor boys really did not get a break till the absolute end ohmygod

I ended up screaming in a lot of the ask i was gonna send so ima just cut it down to the legible parts lmfao 😭

The sum up of the screaming is pre much just: stars sandduo holyshit i love them so much

Every time there was a sandduo scene i felt like my chest was going to explode omg 😭😭😭 i gen forgot how to breathe shdkgkfjdkfjf they just ooohhhhh its just such a good dynamic, also damnnn brooo reading the phil pov today really showed just how similar they are together, the both of them were in such denial over being father son lmfao 😭

BROOO PHIL LEGIT TELLS HIM THAT HIS NICKNAME IS SMTH ELYTRIANS CALL THEIR CHILDREN AND MANS WAS STILL LIKE "nope ✋️" im cryinggg hahahaha

Also brooooo stars crimeboys are So Brothers i cant they make me Sick

Like out of all the crimeboys in ur fics, idk man u just,, did such a good job?? At making them seem like biological brothers. Cause i love found family crimeboys, but that type of brothers is a diff vibe from biological siblings, and you did such a good job at capturing it. I remember reading the first chapter of stars and getting smack cammed by the sheer Brotherness they gave off. They really reminded me of me and my sister (we r also half siblings!! It's cool seeing half sibling rep) eueueueu :( /pos

ALSO I love how you write Techno so much, in all of your fics, you always capture the intimidating aura plus the genuine softer personality and his humour, it's so lovely i love him, holds stars!techno softly, hes sooo skrunkly

I like seeing the parallels between stars and glass, especially the power that names hold in both fics, it's so cool. All of ur fics are so neat

Godddd the crimeboys reconciliation scene is one of my favourite scenes in any fanfiction ever ohkygod my heart hurt so much reading it it was so good holyshit

Im still also not over how Phil was proud when Wilbur one upped him, mans just got destroyed and he was just like "omg thats my son!!! Right there!!!" Im cryingggg i love sandduo so much

I am feeling so emotionally drained (/pos) after all of that tho 😭😭 i just went through all five stages of grief like 8 different times lmfaooo

Im gonna cope by writing my own sandduo (is this healthy? Probably not but who cares, sandduo 4 life ☝️)

rn my mental image is that with your first ask you slammed the door open and screamed and now you're just gently opening it and peeking your head in and it's very funny to me

damnn binging 20-28 in a single day that's so much

literally so much happened towards the end of stars. basically I had a ton of things building up to the crimeboys fight, and once that happened everything was falling down a mountain from there. they literally got next to no breaks.

phil and wilbur are soooo similar it's so funny. like there was a reason everyone around them was like "damn you really are like phil" to wilbur 😭

man that makes me so happy to hear that I did a good job with the bio sibling rep. writing crimeboys as biological brothers is definitely a slightly different vibe from the found family brothers. I don't know how to explain it, but it definitely feels different for me to write. thankfully it's not something I have to think about much. it's a natural shift that's easy to switch to (which is a bit ironic considering I myself am an only child lmao)

aaa ty for the compliments about how I write techno!! out of sbi techno has always been the one whose characterization i struggle with the most. I've definitely gotten more comfortable writing him over the years, but back when I was writing clinic i was SO stressed writing that one on one scene with him and tommy. I think one of the biggest issues I have with the way a lot of people characterize him is how they forget his humor. techno is funny, and will crack jokes even at inappropriate moments. obviously I have to keep the tone of a story in mind which is why techno isn't cracking very many jokes in stars, but he still has his moments of levity which i think are really important to him as a character.

can you tell I have a Thing for names and the roles they can play with vulnerability and trust. I just love exploring that concept man idk why

phil being proud of wilbur using his Voice on him was one of the earliest planned things about stars I had. sooooo satisfying to write oh my god

tysm for all the kind words though I'm so glad you enjoyed your reread!! have fun with your own sandduo :)

[diaryofaitgirl]

TODAY WAS A GREAT DAY

Dear Diary ... well today was such a chill day , i legit can say i enjoyed a whole day to myself . i was in my enery , cuase i actually got my room together the other day i told you , and now i be more in my room that is honestly a great thing because i just like being in my own energy. i did tell you yesterday that i do have some good news i am going to start my own lash cluster business like actually applying them on people. And as well i have a job interview at 1pm tomorrow for a therapy clinic, so as of right now things are going smoothly. and right now i am here watching SABRINAAA i love that show but Sabrina the ORGINAL version, i have my candle on , im smoking a blunt . i cant lie, i love how today was . And i am super grateful for days like today and when good days like this happens i really do cherish it IT PUPPY is in the living room she feels like a bad bitch OMG IT BOY CAME BY TONIGHT and we smoked and i flirted a bit and that was about it . i like IT BOY but i really need someone who is not in a whole mess righ now.... yea we will go in, into his situation on another blog entry because that is legit a b log entry lol and i know ive been using GIFS for my blog entry ... i like consistency when it comes to the layout of my blog site . i am in a works on a system that i can use for my real life pics , like finding certain filters for them so we can keep a vibe. because let me just tell you if you're not seeing this on my actual blog site IDK what you're doing cause it the only way to read my diary, legit this is me adding spice to my world so yes im taking my world seriously. ITS A VIBE ALL THE TIME OVER HERE . im Ording some cluster lashes today and some press on , that look and feel like acrylic's and i am so excited and happy because lowkey i dislike going to the salon so much sitting there people there waiting , and i love doing things by myself and i have all the tools here . anyways girls and boys, and all genders , I'm going to go its LEGIT 12:28AM and i have to wake up at 7AM to go on my daily walk and install my hair dry clothing, smoke and do other thing that eventually you will find out . Love you , Xoxo - It Girl <3 💋

[mommahughes19-23]

bless Nico and your future babies anon I LOVE YOU!

Awh awh awh omg! *smooches* Loving that you like the idea so much! (Makes me lowkey wish I had requested it off anon 😂)

Alsoooo You delivered!! I love it 😍

why do I feel like off season Nico is nothing but outdoor activities and cuddles omg. <3

Yess it gives off such a vibe like I’m totally here for that 🩵 Love me an outdoorsy boy

omg omg omg omg nooo I feel bc I legit request under anon aLL the time incase someone is anti my idea lololololol. IM SO SO SO SO SO GLAD YOU LOVE IT :* and yes please omg like wake me up take me on a lil hike and then spend the rest of the night showing him all the cool pics of the places he took you on the hike and him just smiling the whole time bc he's so happy you are happy omg

[rizzraa]

Oh my God YES YES YESS!!!!! IM SO HAPPY YOU FUCKING POSTED, OH MY LORDY LORDDDDDDD 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

This fucking chapter was just AMAZING BABES, LIKE GENUINELY I WAS FRANTIC READING IT THE WHOLE TIME. I WAS SO SCARED MY BOY WASNT GONNA MAKE IT OMG 😭😭😭

And then reader finally understanding that she has SOME type of feeling for Joel!?!?!? EVERYTHING I NEEDED. A MEMORY THAT CAME BACK TO HER?!?!? EVERYTHING I NEEDED. God bro when I tell you I was ANXIOUSSS, I WAS LEGIT PACING AROUND MY HOUSE BABES 😭😭

Good chapter, loved it soso much holyyyy shit. I can't even express how much I loved iy

i know who you are | 7. the week

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Chapter Summary: Joel is on a mission to win you back. You struggle with your feelings and visit an old friend for some perspective.

Chapter Warnings: language, angst, pining, sad!Joel, amnesia, slow burn, physical violence, wounds/blood/injuries/gore, vague reference to suicide (Joel remembering his incident after Sarah), alcohol consumption, non-descriptive smutty memory, mentions of murder (adults and children), mentions of pregnancy (not reader)

WC: 7.7K

A/N: I took some liberties with the background of the Fireflies, it's not exactly canon.

Series Masterlist

Somewhere in Northern California

It took two days.

Two full days of freezing temperatures and frigid wind as he traversed up and down mountains, through snow covered forests with little to no shelter, but he finally made it. Right before nightfall, he approached the edge of the town you grew up in. The town your parents still lived in ten years ago. The town that holds a history of you and everything you hold dear.

It was too dark and he was too tired to enter the town and go any further, but fortune smiled upon him for the first time since he left Jackson when he spotted a dilapidated woodshed tucked into the forest. It was small, no bigger than a bedroom, but it would do. It would be the first time in two days he would get to sleep with a roof over his head, and he desperately needed it.

He grossly overestimated his ability to survive out in the wild. He did it before, of course, but life in Jackson made him soft. Made him complacent. Made him weak.

Time took its toll on his body. His age was an offensive reminder every time his knees creaked or his back twinged. He wasn't as fast as he used to be, nor as strong. But he was determined and stubborn, two things that would never change.

With hands trembling from the cold, he jabbed his knife into the lock and broke it with ease, a small triumph in an otherwise unforgiving journey. The shed was mostly empty, save for a pile of wood and an axe. Plenty of room for both him and the horse.

After he scattered some oats on the floor, he grabbed his rifle and marched back out into the snowy tundra to do a perimeter check, knowing he would fall asleep the moment he allowed himself to slow down. By the time he deemed the area safe, he retreated back into the woodshed and lit a fire in the tiny furnace to warm up a bit.

Once he got feeling back in his fingers, he cracked open some stew and ate it cold straight from the can, too impatient to warm it up and too eager to get some rest. The wind howled outside, practically screaming at him with every gust: How could you say that to me?

The horse nickered softly, her head lowered, one back leg cocked as she began to doze off. He laid on the wooden floor, partially resting inside his sleeping bag, ready to strike if there was an intruder. The back of his wrist laid against his forehead while he stared blankly at the ceiling, wondering for the umpteenth time if what he was doing was even going to work. If he would even be capable of finding your house in this town, let alone finding any pictures still in good enough condition to bring back to you.

But it was all he had.

You had mentioned to him when he was sick, after you saw the photo of Sarah, how you wished you had pictures of your family. You looked so somber and distant and he was once again reminded that even though you lost them ten years ago, in your mind you only lost them months ago.

He couldn't imagine losing Sarah twice. Waking up one day, thinking she was alive and healthy and late for school just to be told she was killed mercilessly ten years prior and died in his arms. You were so much stronger than him. You always were. You were told your whole world changed, your family gone, and then tossed into a house with him, pressured by everyone every damn day to regain your memories and become a completely different person when he knew deep down if the same had happened to him, his answer would lie at the end of a barrel. But unlike before, he might not flinch.

You really fucking hurt me, Joel.

He rubbed his face aggressively, the pain and anguish in your voice haunting him. This trip left him with too much time to get lost in his thoughts, too much time to wallow in his grief and replay every single painful memory from the past several days.

Sighing, he dropped his hands to his chest and tried to think about something else. Letting his eyes drift shut, he let his mind wander back to before. Before your accident, before he fucked everything up, back to a time when you were happy and stupidly in love.

"What's cookin', good lookin'?" he heard your voice behind him.

He grinned as he stirred a pot of sauce on the stove while you wrapped your arms around his midsection, burying your face against his back.

"My accent rubbin' off on you now?"

You giggled and let go, walking over to grab the bottle of whiskey and pouring you each a glass.

"Maybe."

You handed him his glass and clinked them together before taking a sip.

"How was patrol?" he asked, turning his attention back to the pasta.

"Boring," you replied, hopping up onto the counter next to him, swinging your legs back and forth. "Jesse has a lot of work to do. He's not seasoned enough to be out there without one of us."

He nodded thoughtfully and lifted the spoon up to your lips to taste the sauce. "Needs lemon," you said, licking your upper lip while he snatched a lemon from a basket in the corner of the kitchen and sliced it in half.

"Yeah, I know, but he's got potential. Just gotta get him to focus a bit more. Gotta be more aware of his surroundings."

You hummed and rubbed the back of your neck with a wince.

"You hurtin'?" he asked, but you shook your head immediately.

"Just tired."

"You sure?" he said while he strained the pasta. "I can rub your neck later."

"Oh, well in that case, yes. I'm absolutely aching over here," you said with a smile.

"Don't tempt me, baby," he told you, setting down the pot before wedging himself between your knees, his hands rubbing over your thighs. "Might not stop at your neck."

"Is that right?" you teased, pulling your lower lip between your teeth playfully.

"Mhmm. First it's your neck, then shoulders," he said, pressing a gentle kiss against your lips, "then your back," he dragged his hands up your back and pressed you forward, nearly pulling you off the counter.

"Then what?" you asked breathlessly, arms loosely draping around the back of his neck.

"Before y'know it, you'll be pullin' at my belt, tellin' me you got an ache someplace else 'n you need me to stuff you full of my cock." His hands dragged up and down your back, his mouth nipping gently at your throat as you tipped your head back with a gasp.

"You know me so well," you murmured, a lazy smirk spreading across your face when you felt the urgency behind his touch.

"Yeah I do, baby," his words getting lost against your skin, "know you like the back of my hand. Know what makes you tick. What makes you feel good. Know what makes you scream my fuckin' name." His lips slotted over yours urgently, the pasta cold and long forgotten as you wrapped your legs around his waist and pulled him close.

"Take me to bed, Joel," you begged after you pulled your head away, breaking the kiss and then quickly latching onto his neck. "Need you. I want - shit!" you cursed when one of you accidentally pushed a plate off the counter and it smashed into pieces against the floor.

"Leave it, don't care," he said, picking you up and pulling your attention off the shards of ceramic littering the floor. "I'll clean it up later."

His eyes popped open, the echo of your giggle from that night bouncing around his skull. It was almost laughable now, thinking he felt lonely before compared to how he felt in the middle of fucking nowhere with only a sleeping horse to keep him company.

He wasn't stupid. He knew he would need to do more than bring home some pictures to convince you to forgive him. But it was a start, and maybe, just maybe with time, you would come to understand what you meant to him.

And if he was really lucky, he might end up meaning something to you, too.

It was stupid and it didn't mean anything.

That's what you kept telling yourself ever since Joel left and you found yourself curling up in his bed at night instead of yours.

His bed was more comfortable. His room didn't store the bad memories of your fight. It was simply easier to sleep there.

It certainly didn't have anything to do with the way the sheets still smelled like him. Like the soap you both used combined with the outdoors and a hint of his sweat. And on the third night when you picked out a flannel of his from the closet and wrapped it around yourself, it was only because it was a particularly frigid night.

You didn't miss him.

Well, you missed having another person in the house, sure. But you didn't miss him on some deeper level. Maria and Ellie were wrong. They had no idea what they were talking about. They had no idea what was going through your head, what you were feeling, what you were struggling with.

There was no possible way you could have feelings for Joel. Not after everything he did and said. Not after the lies and the cheating and the deception.

But then why, when you were struggling to fall asleep at night, did your mind always wander back to the way he looked at you in the meadow, or the way his arms felt wrapped around you on the back of the horse, or the way he made you laugh when you played Monopoly?

And why did it feel like a part of you left with him that night?

"Pathetic," you muttered to yourself, pulling the sheets tighter and rolling over onto your side, his soft, worn flannel like butter against your bare skin. You squeezed your eyes shut, forcing the memories from your mind and instead, replaying what he told you about the hospital.

He almost killed you. He was seconds away from putting a bullet in your head and only after presumably begging for your life did he let you go, and then he had the nerve to keep that information from you not only once, but fucking twice.

He was protecting Ellie.

But he still shouldn't have lied.

With a groan, you rolled onto your back and stared up at the ceiling, sleep so far out of reach you didn't even feel like trying anymore. Then a thought occurred to you:

You weren't the only one he let live. There were two other people in Jackson who were there, who were shown mercy and didn't appear to hold any resentment towards him for it. In fact, they seemed rather happy with the second chance they were given.

You hadn't seen Ben or Lisa in a long time. The opportunity never presented itself for you to seek any perspective from them about that day.

Perhaps it was time to change that.

It took him a few hours to scope out the town and venture out of the woods, but by late morning he was heading down what looked to be one of the main thoroughfares in town, eyes squinting against the blowing snow as he tried to pinpoint the location of town hall.

All he remembered was your street name but he had absolutely no idea how to find it, so his plan was to break into the town hall and find a map. From there, he prayed Ellie's drawing was truly accurate enough to narrow down your parents' house.

He was freezing. His face was numb and his back was fucking killing him from riding so much, but he was so close. If he was lucky, he could find your house, get what he needed and head out all before nightfall. Maybe he could even spend another night in the woodshed. It wasn't so bad. At least he was warm.

As he continued to steer his horse down another road, he couldn't help but think Tommy was right about the storm. It was providing him some cover, just in case there were survivors around that wouldn't take kindly to his intrusion. He just hoped it would blow through in a day so his ride back would be clear.

After another thirty minutes of wind whipping at his face, the cold penetrating his coat and several layers underneath, he finally saw it. It was a smaller building than he imaged it to be, but the sign was clear. Hoping that the town size was as small as the town hall, he steered his mare down the drive and through the parking lot, making sure to take in his surroundings, confirming he was truly alone before he slid down from the saddle and trudged through the snow to the front doors.

He wiped away the snow from the window, peering inside before heading to another one and doing the same. It appeared to be empty so he tried the door, unsurprisingly finding it locked. He pulled out his knife and worked on the lock, his fingers stiff and his ears so cold he could barely feel them anymore. Finally, he broke the lock but when he shoved the door, there was something blocking him on the other side.

"Shit," he muttered, glancing around, kicking and dusting snow off the surrounding area, looking for a brick or a rock. Giving up, he grabbed his rifle from the saddle and angrily made his way to the nearest window, smashing the butt of his gun against the glass repeatedly until it shattered. He gasped for air, not realizing how much energy he was exerting before he continued, knocking out as much of the glass as he could.

Sticking his head inside, he looked around. The place seemed empty. It was quiet, covered in dust and debris. Untouched dust was good. It meant nobody had been there in a while. Human or otherwise.

He crawled through the window, taking great care to not catch on any jagged edges. He held his breath, ears straining for any noise that might give someone away, but all he heard was the howling wind outside. This is your fault. Still, he kept his guard up. He walked room to room, finding his way to the lobby and searching the front desk for a map.

"You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me," he grumbled as he opened and shut each drawer in the desk, only pausing to snatch up an old protein bar and shoving it in his pocket.

With a sigh, he looked around the room. There were a couple benches, chairs that were moved and tipped over, papers scattered about but his eyes were drawn to the portraits on the wall. There were a few paintings of men he would never recognize, unknown sheriffs and mayors, and some framed pictures of the staff, but the one that really drew his attention was the large map on the wall next to the front doors.

It was a road map of the town. Simple, but it was all he needed. He rounded the desk and shined his flashlight over the map, studying it, searching for where he was before looking for your street.

"Grant Street."

"Grant?" he repeated, his fingers lightly skirting up and down your bare back.

"Mhmm," you confirmed, eyes closed, a small, satisfied smile tugging at your lips as you buried your face into his neck.

"That's funny," he said, his hand wandering past your waist and over your ass.

"Why's that?"

"Grant's my Mama's maiden name."

Your eyes opened and locked onto his. "Maybe it's fate, then."

Maybe it was.

Grant was only four blocks north. It didn't look like a very long road, either.

He could do this.

He was so close.

Lisa answered the door with the same look of surprise as before, although this time she was clutching needles and yarn in her left hand while the fire quietly crackled behind her.

"Hey," you said, arms wrapped around yourself as the snow storm continued to swirl behind you. "Can I come in?"

"Oh! Of course!" Lisa said, stepping back, "how rude of me. Can I get you something warm to drink?" She closed the door behind you and took a step towards the kitchen. "I just boiled some water for tea, it's still hot."

"Tea sounds lovely, thank you," you said as you hung up your coat and scarf, trying your best not to make a mess of melted snow all over her floor.

She told you to make yourself comfortable while she prepared your tea, so you wandered into her tiny living room, the space seeming a little larger now without your two imposing men.

"Where's Ben?"

"Working," she said, setting down a teacup and saucer next to hers. "I put a little sugar in it."

"Oh, thank you, that's perfect. I like it sweet," you replied, sitting down on the same couch as before and bringing the cup to your lips.

"I know, I remember," she said, and when she sat down and fixed her billowy top, you noticed for the first time the small bump protruding low on her hips.

Your eyebrows shot up in surprise and she followed your gaze.

"Oh, yes," her tone soft, "I'm due this spring."

"Wow. Congratulations, Lisa. That's wonderful, I had no idea. I thought I would have seen you from time to time at the infirmary," you explained, setting down your tea.

"Nick agrees to see me after hours, sometimes he makes house calls," she said, picking up her needles again.

You titled your head to the side. "Why do you want to be seen after hours?"

Her lips pressed into a thin line, eyes fixed on the yellow blanket she was making. "I still find it difficult sometimes to face some of the others in town, I suppose. I know I shouldn't but the guilt sticks with me."

"Guilt?"

Her eyes flicked up to yours and she shifted her weight. "I know Ben mentioned the Fireflies to you." She held out her wrist, showing you the small moth-like symbol tattooed there. "I'm not sure how much you know or remember-"

"Actually, that's why I'm here," you said, taking a deep breath. "Joel told me everything. About the Fireflies. About the hospital."

Her eyes widened, the needles abandoned in her lap.

"Oh."

"Yeah," you said, chewing on your lip and glancing at the fire. "He told me what he did there. Told me he spared us, let us go."

"Yes, he did," she agreed softly.

"Can you tell me more about that day?" you asked, dragging your eyes back to meet hers. "I'm having trouble understanding how I could have known this before and still managed to fall in love with him."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

You laughed dryly and shrugged. "I mean he almost killed us. He killed countless innocent people, friends of ours I'm assuming, and I'm expected to believe I just looked past it? We just looked past it?" You motioned between the two of you. "He's a murderer, Lisa. He-"

"We're murderers," she corrected, and you fell silent. "We killed innocent people. We helped lead a revolution that resulted in hundreds of deaths, and where did that get us? Nowhere! People weren't any better off. In fact, they were worse. Friends and family killed, caught in the crossfire, tangled up in this idea of freedom and safety and giving their lives to an empty cause."

You swallowed as you watched Lisa's face, her eyes fiery and her tone hardened, transforming into a different version of herself before your very eyes.

"What Joel did..." she trailed off as she thought back to that day. "We did bad things. So did he, but he single handedly cut the Fireflies off at the legs. He stopped the insanity, stopped the war, stopped the ridiculous experiments and half baked ideas to save the world, regardless of the lives lost along the way. You don't remember, I understand, but allow me to explain."

"Please," you begged softly, "please tell me everything."

She rested a palm against her swelling stomach and leaned back. "We realized we made a mistake pretty early on," she began, "but we didn't have anywhere else to go. We had been living in the wild for so long. We were tired and hungry and weak and we fell for it. Fell for the sales pitch when they found us. We were told we wouldn't have to fight, but they didn't tell us what they expected us to do."

"W-what did we do?" you stammered, sitting on the edge of your seat.

"We killed people. Innocent people, point blank. FEDRA soldiers. Civilians who ratted out our location for extra food for their family. Children-" her voice wobbled a bit as she looked down at her stomach. "Children who were experimented on, vaccine prototypes tested on, who became horribly disfigured a-and screaming in pain, begging to be put out of their misery-"

"Okay," you said, cutting her off and taking a deep breath, unable to hear much more. It was becoming clear why Joel kept this from you, and although you had a right to know, you were beginning to understand his motivation. He was trying to protect you.

"Anyway," Lisa continued, flicking a tear from her cheek, "we planned on getting out. We couldn't do it anymore. Then, Joel showed up."

You held your breath, waiting for her to continue.

"We were doing perimeter checks. Loosening a spot in the gate so we could sneak out later that night. Then we heard the gunshots. And at first, we thought some infected got in. It was the perfect distraction, so we grabbed our gear and made a run for it."

She paused to take a sip from her tea, her eyes looking miles away.

"We almost made it. We were in the parking garage loading up a vehicle when he snuck up behind us. Told us to lay face down on the ground with our hands behind our heads. We never saw him and it wasn't until later we found out he was all alone. The whole time we were convinced it had to have been a group of men. It seemed impossible for one man to do what he did, but somehow..."

She trailed off again and cleared her throat.

"He gave us a second chance when we didn't deserve it," she said solemnly. "You and Ben dealt with the weight of what we did far better than me. I still struggle with the guilt, I can't..." she looked up at you, "I hope you never remember."

A chill went down your spine and you nodded.

"Try not to hold it against him," she said, offering you a small smile. "We've all done terrible things. It's not all black and white."

It ain't black and white.

"Yeah, okay," you replied quietly, standing up from the couch, your mind reeling. "Thanks," you added, motioning to the tea before she walked you to the door, "and congratulations again."

"Thank you," she said, rubbing her belly, her green eyes sparkling. "I'm glad you stopped by. The truth is sometimes ugly, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to understand the whole picture." You nodded and bent over to shove on your boots. "Joel's not a bad man. I'm sure he was just trying to protect you by leaving some things out about our past. He would have told you eventually."

When the whole goddamn world ends and all you got left is one or two people you care 'bout, you'll do whatever you gotta do to protect 'em.

"Yeah, I'm starting to realize that now," you said, shrugging on your coat with a wry smile.

The whole way home, you practically kicked yourself for not visiting Lisa sooner. Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. But it finally felt like a missing puzzle piece was back in place and you could begin to make sense of your confusing feelings for Joel.

Ellie was incredibly talented.

He needed to make sure to remind her of that when he got home because even through the blowing snow, in near whiteout conditions, he was still able to figure out which house was yours because Ellie's drawing was so detailed, so accurate that it almost felt like he had been there before.

He was eager and impatient. He just wanted to get inside and get what he needed and leave, but before he did, he peered inside the windows and did a walk around the whole house three times, just in case. It was a small brick ranch and if the snow wasn't so thick, he would be able to see the black shutters framing the front windows, just like in the drawing.

He shouldered open the side garage door first, a pile of fluffy snow spilling over the hard concrete as he stumbled in and shimmied open the roll top door so he could bring his mare inside.

He pat her between the eyes, murmuring his thanks for being so damn tough and sprinkled some more oats on the ground before slipping inside the house.

The door from the attached garage led right into a kitchen, which, by the looks of it, was rifled through on more than one occasion. No doubt some survivors had come through over the years and turned the place upside down for anything useful, but that didn't matter to him. What he needed wouldn't be stolen.

Glancing at the fridge, he paused when he saw some photos stuck to the door. He leaned his rifle against the wall and shook his head, curls flinging melted snow over the dusty floor, then bent over to examine the pictures. Most of them didn't have you and he began to worry he was in the wrong house after all, but then he saw it: at the very top was a picture of four people, all wearing summer clothes and Mickey Mouse ears with the Cinderella castle in the background. A middle aged man and woman bookended a young man, lean but muscular with his arm draped around your shoulders.

You were younger, maybe still in high school, and your hair was longer and lighter, but he would recognize that smile anywhere.

He carefully plucked the photo from the fridge and brought it closer, his eyes raking over every detail of the picture, from the brightness in your eyes to the cotton candy pink sky behind you.

You looked so happy.

Nothing like the way you looked when he last saw you: broken and bruised. Ruined and dejected. Because of him.

You spared my life just to break my heart.

He blinked and pocketed the photo before turning around. The living room was in worse condition. It appeared someone must have stayed there at one point because the couches were shifted around, an armchair wedged in front of the door, cushions flung around haphazardly.

He had to move furniture out of the way, dig around a bit through broken bookshelves, but he managed to finally unearth an old photo album. Resting on one of the couch cushions with a huff, he took a few moments to flip through it, smiling now and then when he saw an especially cute picture of you. The wind outside was howling so loudly, the old house creaking with every gust that he couldn't hear when footsteps slowly crept up behind him and knocked him unconscious with the butt of his own rifle.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He knew better. He should have scoped out the inside of the house before getting distracted. But he was too excited and too eager to get what he came for that he forgot his own rules. And he took for granted the snowstorm would hide his tracks.

Now he was hunched over on the living room floor, leaning against the wall with his wrists tied behind his back while five raiders went through his things.

"Hey man, don't you like peaches?"

"Fuck yeah I do, give it here."

Joel groaned, the back of his head throbbing, thick, sticky blood slowly trickling down the back of his neck.

"He's waking up."

"Hey, princess, how's the head?" one said with a sinister laugh. Joel ignored him.

"You got some nice shit. Wanna tell us where your camp is?"

Joel opened his eyes and glared at the man in front of him, wearing a leather jacket and leather gloves and a black bandana pulling his dark, wiry hair off his scarred face.

"Fuck you."

The punch came fast and hard across his jaw, making him see stars for a moment. The other men chuckled and got back to dividing up his things.

"You wanna try that again?" the first man asked, crouching down in front of him. Joel tugged on the rope holding his wrists together. The knot was tight but it wasn't foolproof. He just needed a little time to loosen it up.

"Don't got a camp."

"Bullshit," the man barked, spitting against the wall next to Joel's head. "Ain't nobody out here with this kinda gear and a goddamn horse roughing it all alone. Now, just tell us the city and we'll take it from there. We'll even let you live."

He heard one of the other men scoff but the rest remained quiet, and if Joel wasn't already convinced they were planning to kill him either way, he definitely was now.

"Boise."

"Boise?" he repeated, and Joel nodded, twisting his hands behind his back, feeling the coarse rope burn against his skin. The man in the leather jacket sighed and hung his head before landing another blow, this time across the mouth. Joel's lower lip got snagged on his teeth and tore. Blood trickled down his chin as he angrily whipped his head back towards the raider.

"I told you what you wanted!"

"You fed me a bunch of bullshit is what you did," he said, kicking Joel in the ribs. He gasped for air, doubled over against the wall, coughing and spraying blood across the faded floral wallpaper. He wondered if your parents did the wallpaper themselves, if your mom picked it out, or did the house already come like that?

Joel tugged harder on the rope, feeling it start to give. He needed to stay focused. He needed to make every move count if he wanted to get out of this alive.

The raider pulled a revolver from the back of his pants - Joel's revolver - and flipped it over in his hands. Back and forth, back and forth. Then he leaned forward and pressed the barrel against Joel's forehead.

"I'll give you one more chance, asshole," he said, his dark eyes boring into Joel's, "tell us where your camp is or else I shoot you in the fucking head."

"What the hell was he doing here anyway?"

"Shut up, Mike," the guy in the leather growled, eyes still trained on Joel.

"No, but seriously. There's nothing in this house worth taking. We've been through this neighborhood months ago."

The raider's eyes flickered around the room and Joel tugged harder on his restraints when he looked away. Then the man spotted the photo album lying face down on the ground.

"What's this?" he asked, lowering the gun and picking up the album. He began to flip through it and Joel felt the rope finally give. The raider let out a low whistle and slid a photo out to look at it closer. "Don't tell me you came out in the middle of a storm just to find something to jack off to," he teased, holding up a photo of you in a yellow bikini by a pool. He flipped the picture back around and grinned. When he went to stuff it in his pocket, his attention momentarily diverted, Joel took his opportunity to strike.

In the blink of an eye, he snatched the revolver from the raider's fingers and shot him in the temple, his body immediately falling limply to the side. Wet, sticky blood sprayed all over Joel's hand but he just tightened his grip on the gun, taking aim and bringing down another one of the men while they were still too stunned to move.

"Fuck!" one of the remaining three men screamed as they scrambled for cover. Joel ducked behind the couch and held his breath, straining to hear the scuffling of their boots, trying to pinpoint where they were in the small room. When he heard one of them accidentally knock against the kitchen table, the wooden legs scraping against the linoleum, he straightened up and took aim, taking out another man with a bullet right between the eyes, but unfortunately one of the last two men got a shot in as well.

The bullet grazed against his left bicep. Joel hissed and ducked back behind the couch. He would deal with it later.

"Come on, man, we can work something out," one of the men called out after a minute. "Let's just go our separate ways. Act like this never-"

Joel jumped up and shot the man in the cheek, the bullet traveling through his mouth and out the back of his head, leaving brain matter that looked like globs of gelatin dripping down the kitchen cupboards after he fell lifelessly to the ground.

Joel stepped towards the kitchen, now only one on one. He got cocky. He was feeling too confident with how quickly he took out the group. He didn't even see it coming when the knife lodged into his side, just above his hip. Without thinking, he yanked the knife out, twisted around and jammed it into the final raider's throat, watching as he fell to the floor, choking on his own blood, and didn't look away until he stopped twitching.

Adrenaline still coursed through his veins and he used it to his advantage, his left hand pressing weakly against his wound, the wound in his arm preventing it from being very effective while he searched the dead bodies of the men for anything useful. He had brought some first aid with him when he left Jackson but he was too far from home, he would need antibiotics, at least, if he was going to make it back.

Of course, he came up empty, so he snatched his first aid kit from the table and stumbled down the little hallway, searching for a bathroom. He knew it was a lost cause, the raiders already admitted to clearing the place out months ago, but he had to try.

He flung open the medicine cabinet with a grunt, the pain beginning to set in now. Pressing his bloody fingers against the stab wound as hard as he could, he rummaged around the cabinet, leaving paths of red everywhere his fingers touched, then tried the drawers under the sink.

Nothing.

"Fuck," he muttered, collapsing onto the cool tile floor as he began to sort through his first aid kit. There were no towels left but he was sitting on an old bathmat. He groaned in pain when he lifted his hips to pull the bathmat out, shook out the dust and dirt, then pressed it against his side, bringing his knee up to hold it in place.

With trembling fingers, he threaded a needle. He wiped the blood from his hands on his shirt, but they were stained red. Ripping open his jacket and flannel, he lifted the two other layers he had on underneath and lowered his leg to get a look at the wound.

It was deep and he was losing a lot of blood, but he was fairly certain the knife wasn't long enough to knick any organs. His stomach wasn't swelling, that was a good sign.

He only had a small bottle of antiseptic, so he used most of it to clean the wound and then the needle, saving a little bit to use on his arm later.

He took several quick breaths in, hyping himself up, then paused when he first shoved the needle through his skin. Tears sprung up, blurring his vision, but he blinked them away.

Focus. Focus. Focus.

In and out, in and out, he slowly stitched himself up. The angle was awkward and the stitches were ugly, but it got the job done: the bleeding stopped. His heart was hammering in his chest, sweat poured from the sides of his head, mixing with all the blood drying on his face and beard. He slumped to the ground with a pained groan, lying flat on the floor in a pool of his own blood, staring up at the ceiling. He just needed a moment to rest, a moment to catch his breath and then he would go.

Would he ever see you again? Would you ever even know why he came out there? Would you always wonder what happened to him? You told him you cared about him, but was that even true anymore? After what he did?

"C'mon, baby, gimme a sign," he whispered to himself, "gimme a sign that I still got a chance in hell 'cause if I don't, I'm not sure I got the strength to make it home." Tears welled up in his eyes again and this time he let them fall. He sniffled and waited. For what, he wasn't sure. Divine intervention? Genius to strike? A brilliant idea to form? But all he heard was the blowing wind outside.

The tile felt so cool against his burning hot skin. A small voice in the back of his head told him the longer he stayed there the weaker he would become, but he was just so tired. He rolled his head to the side, his eyes about to slide shut when he saw it: a dusty, opaque orange bottle rolled all the way against the wall underneath the sink.

Blinking a few times, he wondered if he was imagining it.

He wasn't.

Stretching his arm out, he slowly reached underneath the vanity and pulled out the half empty bottle. Holding it above his face, he squinted at the letters on the faded sticker.

Penicillin. Use as directed by your dentist.

His breath caught in his throat when he read your name on the label.

He finally got his sign.

"What happens when we die?"

"What?"

You rolled over onto your side to face him, wrapping your arm around his waist. He looked so peaceful, lying in bed like that. His eyes closed, face relaxed. You repeated your question.

"Don't know," he said, cracking open one eye to look at you. "Haven't died yet."

You giggled and he smiled, pulling you closer. He smelled so good. Like the rain and sex and smoke from the fire.

"I mean... do you think there's a heaven?"

He hummed and kissed the top of your head, his fingers lightly trailing up and down your bare arm.

"Yeah, I do."

You swallowed nervously and drew invisible circles into his skin, making him shiver.

"Do you think..." you trailed off and he froze, picking up on your tone.

"What, darlin'?"

"Do you think we'll make it? To heaven, I mean?"

His eyebrows pinched together. "Why wouldn't we?"

"You know why," you replied softly, "we've done bad things, Joel."

"Yeah, but we ain't bad people," he reminded you, then rolled over, pushing you onto your back so his arms caged you in. One knee slotted between yours and you spread your legs, hooking your ankles around the backs of his thighs.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he said, dipping his chin down and pressing his lips firmly against yours. You sighed, your shoulders finally relaxing. "Besides, this is heaven right here," he murmured against your mouth, feeling you smile.

"Ain't nothin' better than this."

You awoke with a gasp, your heart fluttering wildly in your chest. That was the first time you had a dream about Joel, and something about it made you uneasy.

You had slept in his bed the entire week, wrapped in his clothes, and today was the day you had expected him to come home. Shrugging off the dream to no more than your subconscious fixated on his return, you forced yourself to get out of bed, fixing the sheets so it wouldn't look like you had been sleeping there and then headed to your room to change and freshen up.

The past couple days you had secretly hoped he would come back sooner but you refused to let it show. If Ellie or Dina or Maria asked you about it, you played it cool, or at least you thought you did. But every night you stayed up as late as you could, curled up on the couch all alone, waiting. Every time someone walked by, your body stiffened and your pulse raced, expecting to hear his heavy footsteps walking up the porch, but they never came.

But today was the day. The seventh day. His note said a week, and you knew if Joel was alive, he would stick to his word.

His absence afforded you a lot of time to think. Time you didn't realize you desperately needed, and now that you were able to process everything clearly without his overwhelming presence muddying the waters, you felt confident you knew what you wanted now.

All day at work, you were distracted. Nick had to call your name repeatedly to get your attention on more than one occasion, and by the fifth time you felt guilty. He didn't say anything, though. He understood. By then, most of the town knew Joel had left. Word spread like wildfire, especially once the storm passed through. It didn't take a genius to figure out how difficult it would be to survive all alone in those conditions.

Then the rumors started.

You tried to ignore them, but it was hard. When people began drinking and getting loud in the dining hall, it was impossible not to hear.

When you heard a man claim he saw Joel's horse frozen in a river during patrol, you stopped going to the dining hall to eat.

It was dark, it was just a deer, Tommy had told you later after he went out to the river to check, but it still shook you up.

When the sun set on Jackson on the seventh day and Joel still hadn't returned, the fear began to take hold. Your stomach churned, making it impossible to eat the following morning. You had hardly slept, the bags under your eyes dark and heavy. Nick begged you to take the day off but you insisted you needed to stay busy, although it didn't help much. On your lunch break you tried to casually walk by the main gate, the one near the stables, hoping to catch a glimpse of him returning, but you had no such luck.

So you went back to work. You kept your hands busy, tried to keep your mind occupied, but it was impossible.

I'll spend the rest of my life makin' it up to you.

You couldn't get those words out of your head. The guilt was weighing you down as you grew worried that was going to be one of the last things he ever said to you.

"Went on a date the other night."

"With who?"

"Cindy, from the kitchen."

Ricky laughed heartily and Andrew smacked his shoulder with the back of his hand.

"Shut up, man. We're on watch, we can't be giving ourselves away."

"It's the middle of the goddamn night and we haven't seen any infected in weeks. It's too cold for them, they're all frozen somewhere waiting to thaw in the spring," Ricky said, shouldering his rifle.

"Yeah, but still. You never know. There's more than just infected out there."

Ricky chuckled and shook his head. "Tommy telling you ghost stories again?"

"Raiders ain't ghost stories, asshole," Andrew shot back.

"And raiders never make it this far up the mountains, asshole," Ricky replied, mocking Andrew's tone.

Andrew grumbled under his breath and strolled away from the tower, towards the gate, his eyes scanning the treeline. He couldn't see a damn thing. It was pitch black and deathly quiet.

He turned on his heel and began the slow walk back towards the tower where he could see Ricky unwrapping a granola bar and pulling a paperback book from his back pocket.

Just as he was about to chastise him for letting his guard down, he heard twigs snapping in the woods. He whipped around, bringing his rifle up so he could get a better look with his scope.

"What the hell was that?" Ricky's whisper materialized in his ear.

"Dunno. Something's out there."

Ricky lifted his own rifle and scanned the trees as well, both of them holding their breath, waiting for another noise.

"Maybe-"

Then they heard more twigs snapping and pine trees raking against fabric. Louder this time.

"Fuck," Ricky muttered nervously, his palms growing sweaty inside his gloves.

"There," Andrew said lowly, and Ricky followed his aim. Something was approaching in the dark. Something big.

"I got it."

"No, just wait a second," Andrew said, squinting through the scope. Then his jaw went slack when he realized what it was.

"It's a horse."

"What?"

"It's a fucking horse, bro," Andrew repeated, his voice rising a little.

When it finally emerged from the forest, they saw the rider slumped over, covered in snow, their face buried in the horse's mane.

"Holy shit," Andrew said, slinging his rifle over his shoulder and racing towards the ladder. "Radio Tommy!"

"W-what do I say?" Ricky stammered, fumbling with the radio dial.

"Tell him it's Joel!"

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[bluesandboos]

HI THAT ANON WAS ME i have no idea why i sent it on anon actually 😭

I LOVE the long posts so this will probably be long as well <3 waking up to muchachos sounds like the best thing ever omg DONT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR SCREAMING I WAS DOING THE SAME AT HOME OMG i kept seeing videos of people at those screens, i cant imagine what it was like to actually be there 😭 the baby in front of you sleeping through the whole thing 😭❤️

i have no memories period of di maria's goal i was literally floating my way through that match and i will NEVER sit through it fully again (except certain parts obv)

that song's this one! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTnRlJTusME it's prob my favorite tbh it's just so catchy!!

I literally don't remember that save either, everyone was talking about it afterwards but my hands were literally still shaking from the match in general, i saw it on instagram. i don't even remember most of the shootout but SOMOS TODOS MONTIEL I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANT AND IT STILL GAVE ME CHILLS THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

going to gardens and getting only honking sounds about right and a very specific, but no less valid vibe of its own 👍 literally every time i see pictures or videos of the celebrations, even now, i am in actual awe over the amount of people that turned out and celebrated (obviously lol) before the parade even and even more during it!! someone told me the dibu burger is actually super good, im genuinely dying to try it it looks great 😭 that image is so funny though, argentina won the wc and people are lining up to buy the dibu's burger as they should!! the store owners were either worried about crowds or they shut down to go celebrate themselves lbr 💀

the newspaper!!! gloria eterna thats beautiful stuff!!!! and the goat chips omg, pls dont apologize i am loving the visual aspect of this i've been watching celebration videos non-stop bc i watched so many after they won that its all my instagram recommendations show me anymore. https://mobile.twitter.com/PLF_2008/status/1606926273833467905 this is my favorite <3

i'm so glad you had fun it seems like such a surreal experience and thank you so much for these answers and videos!!!!❤️

OMG HI HI HI thank you for enjoying my rambles <3333 it was so nice to go through it all again, ugh i miss it so much

the baby was built different. i KNOW he's gonna hear it when he gets older about how he fell asleep during the 2022 wc final when argentina became campion del mundo. literally the greatest match of all time and he knocked.

di maria's goal, once i re-watched the highlights and actually registered what was happening, is literally the sexiest thing i've ever seen. the loss of possession, the build up, the quick passes. A TEAM GOAL FR. but whenever i re-watch highlights i can only watch argentina's goals. i have to fast-forward through the penalties that france gets and mbappe's goal; it upsets me too much lmao

also after di maria's goal, people were chanting his name and the camera's were showing how he was crying after he scored and i was just so happy for him <333 also afterwards, I read this article (https://www.theplayerstribune.com/articles/angel-di-maria-argentina-english) and it just made me even more happy that he got a goal in a wc final + won the wc.

ole ole ola is a BANGER omg argentines only coming up with bangers confirmed ty for the link :))

i ended up getting a dibu burger at the airport!!! 10/10 would eat again, my man dibu only comes out with quality content, on and off the pitch.

ppl were wasted af lmao one drunk man came up to my dad (who does not speak a lick of spanish) and was literally in tears trying to hug him and my dad was just like "sir, it's okay, you won, it's okay" (in english, mind you)

for real though, i legit think about how lucky i was to be there and experience it all every single day. and i get a nice reminder every day because my social media is ALSO ALL FOOTBALL now. my tiktok for you page still shows me edits ("the little boy from rosario" lives rent free in my head) and i obviously have to watch every time. although i can't re-watch the 120' minute save because it literally gives me anxiety that it's going to go in this time (even though it's literally over).

that tweet omg :))) im just so happy not only for the players but for the PEOPLE, the way that they loved that team and suffered through all the finals and losses. no one else deserved it more. i love seeing the abuelas dancing in the street and the songs about them- makes me so happy :)

it was so surreal. top memory of life. thank you again for asking and sitting through my rambles and content dump <3

[fishshapedbun]

about Romantic Killer (BIG SPOILERS)

ok i just finished watching Romantic Killer and it's so good wtf????????? the plot developed so much better than i was expecting at first?????? Anzu is such a good character and such a good friend????? so i need to ramble about it bare with me for a moment

the show is hilarious and i love how exaggerated the funny expressions are, but it also has some rly serious part damn im legit impressed (Anzu and Kazuki's first hug kinda got me tearing up ngl)

each of the characters is slowly developed so well. like damn. Kazuki's story is specially detailed and it caught me by surprise when they showed the flashbacks of the first episodes after we found out why he became so distant and conscious of people and everything made so much sense. and he felt so realistic in the way he reacted, his struggle to open up and every single time he started feeling anxious and panicking in public was so well done (and i wanted to take him away from the crowd and pat his head every time ugh T_T). i was just slightly dissapointed that right on the last episode he admited that he started crushing on Anzu bc after the entire season of them just being an amazing duo of friends i was so hopeful we would finally get a 'love interest' turned only best friend (bc lets admit its not like she doesnt already have enough ppl interested in her without Kazuki being one of them too). bc i was enjoying headcanoning him as aroace as i was watching :') oh well. maybe if it ends up not having a s2 i can pretend he realized he wasnt in love and he just loves her platonically a lot! if they dont give me the aroace boy i will rip it from their cold dead hands! :D

and i loved the plot twist on how Junta was actually her true childhood friend all along and she took so long to realize... his feelings were totally real awwwww and he is really a sweetheart, i like the childhood friend trope! buuuut i gotta admit im just living for the huge crush Makoto clearly has on Junta. boyo isn't hiding it very well. that scene when Makoto holds Saki's hand and takes her away from the triggering situation? that was gay x lesbian solidarity right there !

and Saki OH MY GOD SAKI. the episode focused on showing how the two of them became friends and how important Anzu is to her and the way she has always defended her and what Saki went through oh god... her story was so realistic and seeing her reaction seeing that stupid ass ex was such a realistic depiction of a kind of trauma like that. she's such a good character im so happy they developed her so well and didnt make her just an irrelevant school friend character!!! (also she's a lesbian i am not taking criticism- /hj)

i need to mention how Anzu is absolutely bisexual btw. her reaction to meeting Kazuki's sister? she literally straight up said "i'll fall for her" c'mon

and Riri!!! omg!!!! little genderfluid chaos gremlin!!!!!!!! i was so so happy that not only Anzu girbossed her way to getting them out of their punishment but she got them to permanently live on the human world AND officially made them one of the love interests??? ULTIMATE GIRLBOSS MOVE Anzu i love you so much dear. so ngl i lowkey would like seeing Anzu end up with Riri/Rio the most ksjefhskdjf badass girl x genderfluid gremlin??? so much potential cmon they literally were punished for breaking magic rules bc they care too much about Anzu that's so fucking cute skjfhsdf

and Hijiri!!!!! from a little annoying rich bastard to a little just slightly annoying tsundere rich baby!!! i really like that he's interested in her and all but ultimately he's just there working and helping her out a lot like he becomes genuinely a great friend??

so yeah. as one can tell from the immense number of written words here i have liked this anime quite a lot. binged it in a day, all at once, no regrets. i'll be happy if there's a 2nd season if it is as good as this 1st one, bc this was amazing! so glad i decided to give it a chance <3 there's even more things i could talk about here but i dont wanna write a novel chapter of a post so i'll stop here LMAO

but really, if you're into comedy, romance and some nice character development, you won't regret giving Romantic Killer a chance :)