#im just tired of living a life that will statistically not get better

[pumpkinstep]

I can really tell when it's night time on tumblr lol

[cantsleephomesick]

filled the bathtub 

to the rim

put my head in

to drown all the noise

on a bed with no sheets

i sat in my own tears

crying until i could no longer cry anymore

im filled with fears

choked on spit 

puffy eyes 

flicking lighter

wondering why everything feels wrong

so i took the first train

to somewhere i can’t explain

is there anywhere i can go

to drown out this pain

smaller than an infant

but larger than life

this isn’t getting better

no matter how hard i try

standing on the bridge 

at that one train station 

waiting for the right time to jump

pussied out never mind

nothing behind these eyes

my pupils wide

head on the tracks

is this how ill die

out of breath

because i smoked the rest

i don’t wanna learn to coexist 

sorry for all this inconvenience 

i ran into oncoming traffic this morning

convinced the officer 

i was alright

all i was trying to do was run a race

with no finish line

seroquel tablets on my bedside table

“ill only give you these if you promise not to kill yourself”

she doesn’t know im a liar 

hiding the truth behind a fragile smile

why they hell am i alive

im searching for a sign 

the darkness suffocate me

like those sheets i once sat on

do you think anyone would notice

i ask the ghost in my room

if i simply fade away 

but there’s no reply

i didnt think so anyway 

is it too late to start over

the weight won’t lift

too tired to fight

im over this 

so i sit on a park bench 

watching the world blur by

im just another shadow in the night

id rather be statistic than myself

maybe then people would find me more interesting 

maybe then they would pay better attention 

to the chaos in my mind

you didnt stay long enough 

to see the real pain behind these lies

you didnt stay long enough 

to ask me why

what day is it today 

a cycle of muted despair

what is there to live for 

all this is beyond repair

i reach for help

you fall through my fingers

missed appointments 

this ache lingers

so im back in my room

a bed with no sheets

knees up to my chest 

this is the end 

don’t think of me 

[tchaikovskym]

anyway i came here because i had the spark on to write something for my thesis but then that spark died

anyway did you know we are living in global obesity pandemic (source: articles and statistics i read like a year ago) and that obesity rate is growing in almost every country there is, it's not the 1st world country problem anymore (source: there was this WHO statistics sheet i think). this honestly calls for concerns in how society is operating, not the individuals (source: my own mind figured it out), because, like, if it is affecting so many people, it smells like systemic issue, ya'know?

and since the abundance of food we have now is historically recent event (Paoli et al. 2019), we could just say. Hey! It's because there is so much food that we are fat now! We are all like cats and dogs with an owner who always fills the bowl with food when it's empty.

And honestly, yeah, that would be an actual hot take that's probably it.

But for god's sake, I have some faith in humans. I think it is an issue that could be solved. It don't think it's the stupidity of people that is to blame. I hope.

I think, if we modified our lifestyle, we could get some better results. And by our lifestyle I mean politically. On a large level.

What are the characteristics of a modern human? A modern human is busy as hell, I don't think I have to look up source on this. I just believe it's true.

No I can't. that's against scientific method.

Yeah, well, if we take working hours, that's a big fat lie. If we look at the time period of like 2 centuries. I'm too tired to look up sources on history before that. If I recall correctly, the 19th century was, like, the start of this whole boom in the whole work week stuff (source: middle school history lessons), and of course our life is better now than it was when the average guy was breathing deadly fumes to feed his family.

Besides, are working hours really the measure on how busy a human can get? Don't you think our lives have become overly fast? There is so much going on in one day, thanks for the advances in technology. And it's a good thing, but it's a lot! Don't you think?

Anyway, regarding our society, sleep is weird with us too. It is quite possible that people did not sleep the same way we do (Source: an article I read like 5 years ago where the author mentioned literature work. was it Charles Dickens? who mentioned two sleeps of night. like you go to sleep for about 5 hours and then wake up, do something, and then go asleep for 5 hours more. or 4.).

And besides, our sleep is all messed up. Who is getting enough sleep nowadays?

ugh

anyway. i am tired of making my point (i want to go to sleep and i won't finish this).

but my suggestion for better health is to let highschool kids sleep in the mornings, like make the shool start at 10am earliest, move their extra-curriculars in the mornings so they get up earlier in some days, but not all. let the kids sleep. moreover, make a shift towards promoting lunch as the main social meal, not dinner. forget dinner. and. slow the society down a bit. don't make something new for the sake of something new. please. im begging. you just have to wait for my thesis process to finish to see if my statements have some value.

[spritehouse]

It Gets so Dark (so you can see the stars)

read on ao3 here

Prompts: Vehicular Accident (no. 21), Shadows (no. 22), & Storm (no. 25) | @whumptober-archive

⚠️Content Warnings: car accidents & implied character death that's ambiguous/open Please read responsibly!

Pairing: Luke Alvez/Spencer Reid

Summary: “You brought me to the planetarium after that, remember?” “Mhm,” Spencer nods, smiling at the distant memory, warmth growing in his chest. “You bet I couldn’t name every constellation… still owe me ten dollars…” “I knew you could, cariño. I just loved listening to you talk. And the way your eyes lit up when you started listing them– I think I fell in love with you right there,” A shuddering sob escapes Luke’s throat before he can stop it, trying to cover it up with a sigh as he looks up at the sky. “The rain’s clearing up. Look, Spence.” He glances past his boyfriend’s face, letting out a short gasp as he catches the sky, now clear and full of stars. “I bet I could name just as many as you now,” Luke smiles, moving a hand under his partner’s head, leaning back to give him a better view. “I’ve been practicing.”

- or, luke and spencer get in a car accident

Notes: i was gonna wait to post this but i just applied to college so im celebrating. just a little life update :]

It’s raining– pouring, precipitation pitter-pattering steadily against the windshield, wipers frantically fighting the water threatening to obscure the driver’s vision as the sun sets, the world glowing gold before falling into the soaked shadows of a starless night.

“We should switch,” Spencer suggests from the passenger seat, watching darkness consume the road with heavy worry, glancing between his partner and the unknown ahead of them. “You’ve been driving for a while.”

“Cariño, you’re exhausted and an awful driver,” Luke shakes his head with a tired sigh, never tearing his gaze away from the road. “We can find somewhere to stop for the night–”

“We’re in the middle of nowhere; the closest motel is three hours behind us.” The younger brunette frowns, checking his phone for service while he mentally reviews a map of the area. “There’s nothing but road for miles, and we can’t pull over to wait it out with this weather—visibility is too low.”

“I’ll be fine for a few more hours, Spence,” Luke holds up a hand before his partner can open his mouth to argue, tightening his grip around the steering wheel with the other. “Cariño, I love you, but please do not give me a statistic about car accidents right now. I will be careful, I promise.”

The younger agent clamps his mouth shut, clenching his seatbelt, lapsing into silence, letting the conversation lull.

Famous last words.

Spencer wakes up to his head slamming against the window, pain burning through his body, the world spiraling, spinning out until he isn’t sure which way is up.

“Spencer!”

His boyfriend’s voice is distant, his brain barely registering the shout as his vision goes black.

“Spence? Spencer!”

The second time he comes to, it’s the sounds that assault him—metal crashing and crunching, screeching tires and flickering flames, a string of swears, some in Spanish and others in English, glass shattering—the world still so dark–

“–open your eyes; look at me, cariño–”

He pries his eyelids open– or at least he thinks he does, brightness blinding him–

His head hits the hard floor, body shaking, the smell of burning fish hearts and livers filling his senses, flooding his thoughts as everything goes white, his brain accepting, even welcoming it before his body understands, still fighting it.

No, that’s not right.

Hands are on his chest, hauling him back from the dead.

He’s alive; he lived.

Where is he?

The scent hit him next, something familiar—burning, the smell of fire—but not the same, metal melting instead of fish, cold rain watering it down, and gas making his head pound–

“Come on, look at me, Spence. Open your eyes.”

His fingers twitch, the tiny movement sending sparks of pain shooting through his skin, breath catching in his throat.

“Show me those beautiful eyes, cariño, please–”

He blinks, eyes opening for a single second before closing them again with a groan.

“Come on, Spence. I know it hurts, but I need you to open your eyes.”

He shakes his head, making the world spin again, stealing his breath, sounds and sensations fading out as he lets himself succumb to the darkness dragging him down.

“Come on, cariño, look at me.”

His boyfriend’s voice washes over him like a gentle wave as he opens his eyes slowly, staring up at the drowning sea of darkness overhead.

“There you are, cariño. You had me worried.”

Spencer blinks, shifting slowly, trying to sit up before a gentle hand holds him down.

“It’s okay, Spence, stay down.”

He turns his head, finding Luke leaning over him, soaked and shaking, body protecting his partner from the worst of the weather.

“Luke…? You’re bleeding…” He reaches up, fingers brushing over the diluted blood dripping from the side of his boyfriend’s head with a frown, pinkish water falling on his face.

“I’m okay, Spence, I promise,” Luke shakes his head, pulling Spencer’s hand away from the injury and clutching it between his, kissing his partner’s knuckles. “We’re both okay. Yeah? It’ll be okay.”

The younger agent nods, or at least tries to, hissing as pain sears down his spine.

“Try not to move, cariño,” Luke speaks softly, moving one hand to hold him against the ground gently. “Pain is good; it means your nerves are still intact. Right?”

Spencer hums, too tired to disagree, to suggest any number of other things that could be wrong, vision blurring as his eyelids grow heavier.

“Come on, cariño, keep looking at me,” Luke taps his cheek, turning his head toward his boyfriend. “Talk to me, baby.”

The nickname makes his heart flutter, grinning and giddy, despite the circumstances, focusing on the older brunette’s hand holding his.

“Tell me what happened…?” His face falls, brows furrowing as he strains to remember what happened, memories coming up blank.

“A truck came around the curve too wide and almost hit us; I tried to swerve, but the road was too slippery,” Luke explains. “You were asleep. That’s why you don’t remember, baby. It’s okay.”

“That curve, it’s responsible for…” He trails off, the statistic sitting on the tip of his tongue, but the number won’t come to him, making his heart pound and panic rising in his chest.

“It’s okay, cariño. It’ll come back.” Luke whispers, brushing Spencer’s soaked hair out of his eyes, hand resting on his forehead.

He remembers the facts about the road they were taking that Spencer rambled about for the first hour of their trip, saying something about a curve that caused a concerning number of accidents every year—a number neither of them remembers—and how he brushed him off, telling his partner that they’d be okay, that he was overthinking again.

“You’re in shock; it’ll come back. Okay?” Tears overflow from the corners of his eyes, mixing with the blood and rain rolling down his cheeks as he reassures both of them, clinging to his own words like a lifeline because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he’s wrong. “It’ll come back, and then you can tell me as many statistics as you want. I’m sorry for cutting you off earlier, cariño.”

“‘S okay,” Spencer murmurs, eyelids drooping, exhaustion setting in as his heart slows. “Not mad.”

“Eyes open, baby, look at me.”

The younger brunette blinks, unaware he had closed them, a tired smile spreading across his face.

“I like when you call me baby… you should do it more often.”

“Yeah?” Luke lets out a light chuckle at his partner’s lopsided grin, clutching Spencer’s hand tighter. “Remember our first date? The first real one—not those nights we spent on your couch, eating takeout; we went out to dinner at some stupidly fancy restaurant Rossi recommended. Remember?”

“Mhm…” Spencer hums.

“And I called you baby, and you told me you hated it?”

“That was darling… ‘s a stupid nickname… I like baby though…”

“Okay, sure, Spence,” Luke relents, leaning down to kiss his partner’s forehead. “You brought me to the planetarium after that, remember?”

“Mhm,” Spencer nods, smiling at the distant memory, warmth growing in his chest. “You bet I couldn’t name every constellation… still owe me ten dollars…”

“I knew you could, cariño. I just loved listening to you talk. And the way your eyes lit up when you started listing them– I think I fell in love with you right there,” A shuddering sob escapes Luke’s throat before he can stop it, trying to cover it up with a sigh as he looks up at the sky. “The rain’s clearing up. Look, Spence.”

He glances past his boyfriend’s face, letting out a short gasp as he catches the sky, now clear and full of stars.

“I bet I could name just as many as you now,” Luke smiles, moving a hand under his partner’s head, leaning back to give him a better view. “I’ve been practicing.”

“Really?” Spencer raises a tired eyebrow, tearing his teary gaze away from the stars to smile at Luke.

“Mhm… that one’s Ursa Minor—Polaris, the north star is in it, and so is the Little Dipper—and that’s the Big Dipper–”

“The Big Dipper isn’t a constellation,” Spencer’s laugh is breathy and weak as he cuts him off, correcting his boyfriend. “It’s an asterism—a well-known group of stars within a constellation—it’s a part of Ursa Major.”

“I knew that,” Luke says, leaning down to press a kiss to his partner’s lips, lingering with a frown as his eyes flutter closed again. “I just love listening to you talk, baby.”

Spencer hums, body relaxing– going lump, head lolling to the side.

“Luke…” He whispers after a few seconds, the older agent watching the ragged rise and fall of Spencer’s chest in silence, shoulders shaking. “I’ll try… I’ll fight it if you tell me to…”

“Spence–” Luke chokes, finally letting the sob he’s been swallowing escape into the stillness, head falling forward, suddenly too heavy to support under the weight of his partner’s words. “It’s okay… I’ll be okay…”

Spencer barely nods, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand with his remaining strength.

“We’ll be okay…”

“Yeah, we will, baby,” He feels the second Spencer stops squeezing, sighing softly, looking so peaceful as the last of the lingering tension leaves his body. “We’ll be okay, baby. I love you.”

[lifeinthegladhouse]

one time my therapist asked me if part of my ocd around cancer and my dads death was if i felt i would be just as lonely or alone or treated differently if it happened to me

and i said no bc it hadnt crossed my mind bc while my dad was lonely inherently, a lot of people reached out to him and he ghosted them (he often did this before he was sick), i saw after he died when i looked thru his phone

and i knew bc he did it to my sister and i

but today while i was out of my mind in withdrawls

i laid on the couch and thought yeah

no one checked in when dad died not even distant family who was there,

and to anyone else it was just business as usual for my fucked up life i guess.

and i thought yeah

it wouldn't matter. if i had a terminal illness or died tomorrow. it wouldn't matter. except to my partner in which case it would be very sad.

bc nobody else needs me in their life or actively wants me to be beside the now step up of sort of being passively allowed in people's lives which is better than knowing no one.

and that felt like a fact.

and I couldn't tell anymore if it was real or not.

because before I could tell that the depression felt real but it was an illusion.

the fucked up thing is that i think in many ways im right and sometimes that is true about lonely people and they die and no one cares. its true statistically.

but

i also knew i didnt feel this way before i took this med.

so this one snuck up on me in the ideation realm,

and im ashamed but its not my fault.

i feel very rejected for being sober and disabled in spaces of able bodied functioning alcoholics and also its lonely being an ftm and its lonely grieving an entire family youll never have back and never quite had to begin with and its lonely feeling like your condition will never improve and its lonely wondering if its "your fault" that youre probably autistic but no one knows and some of your peers are punching down lately abt "autism fakers" and its lonely when youve struggled to survive with a partner for 6 years only to be slammed by deaths and adversity until you feel so far apart from everyone including her that you wonder if youll ever be happy together ever (its not even anyones fault or the relationships fault its just that im tired of suffering individually AND seeing my partner suffer AND feeling like we wont ever be happy individually so how can we ever get better together)

its not my fault that im drowning

i took this med so i could sleep so i could take antidepressants so the irony is thick.

[snazum]

debating checking myself into a hospital at this rate, i'm not really a danger to people ig but like i could be on the edge, probably. idk. i've been like this for more than a decade now. like realistically i know i'll be fine but it's tiring as hell.

like ive got the thoughts but not the actions cause i dont see the point in trying? ya know. idk.

but also i could just, not check myself in and I'll feel fine in like 3 hrs probably. and then we'll wait another 4 months until my next terrible breakdown, and do nothing about it except spew on the internet for a couple hours and cry and then take a nap or whatever and be fine again. maybe when im like 30 i'll actually kill myself. then it'll be a problem. for now it's whatever can i even do anyways. killing urself is painful, i'd rather it not be that. so what if i don't really care and im sort of passively suicidal but only for like a day or smth. idk.

honestly my lifes purpose has multiple paths. A) Be a statistic (Transgender suicide, just suicide in general, one of the people who fell thru the mental health system gaps) B) On standby to help other people (Have no aspirations once so ever) C) Be a horrible person D) live on the streets high out of my mind always which sort of ties into C if I wasn't living on the streets n just decided to be high always in the comfort of my parents place and then they have to deal with me which makes me a horrible person as they slowly run out of sanity and money.

like. nothing is able to saciate me and make me happy. I can't live up to any of my aspirations or goals cause at one point or another it'll either fail or make me supremely depressed. so ig to fix my depression is to be fine with just living a normal life where i work a 9-5 and do nothing unless someone asks for my help. and luckily i've have a lot of art experiences no one else has or abilities or whatever so i can help but I'm never fucking doing anything for myself again i lie cause I can't fucking help but do everything for myself. THIS IS MY PROBLEM. I have no ________________. fill in the blank. cause i don't even know anymore. everything about me contradicts and i barely see a point to anything. i don't even think i was my own person growing up either so who fucking cares idk why i try. at least if i die then my dad would get my insurance money and he'd have more money after loosing his job and idc about whatever name they remember me by cause i'll be dead who fuckign cares i wish i wasn't me. some other better kid should of had my place in the world cause everythign was surved to me on a fucking silver platters.

[maurenislife]

Theres only so much self hate i can acquire

Or guilt like im still processing alot of other shit that will have to get added 2 the queue

Also idc that he found this page or even if he go share it or laugh or screenshot or whatever he may do cause honestly thats my fault for ever thinking like i was so comfortable im like omg somebody trying to get me nahh its a tactic and love make u see beyond game but a man game is on regardless its all a game

Everybody says weird shit that u truly feel like u just like the idea of me

Projection

You just want me for my energy and space

Projection

Everything projectile cause in stats in statistics That could b labeled as false

If my sugar daddy said u are using me etc. he would be 100% correct cause if we check stats along with situation it adds up completely

When a man my age starts playing that game

Subconsciously but a game

I just have to sit and ponder

Cause only thing they used was time and maybe they had to feel pathetic for loving but love is quite pathetic cause it DOESNT exist among relationships with somebody who you are not kin too,

Cheat steal use and the good times make up for all the bullshit thats a relationship

Most relationships pple lie and cry alot

Alot of fights too alot of disagreements all cause some person or both are lonely

Rather have a bunch of bullshit cause maybe this gets better or good eventually

The only love that truly exists between mothers and grandmothers thats so unconditional they dnt wanna argue n fight just cause maybe at the end of the road there will b a worthy exchange for pain

They love n argue cause they want the best for you there is no reward in the love they show they show it cause dammit they love you and ive always shown that kind of love

Well i thought i have

Probably didnt but i tried

Cause if its not the correct puzzle piece or information that connects to the right button or switch bitch u otw out

And soon this will be laughing material for most, i think what alotta people dont realize is my life has been laughing matieral at all stages not just this one so

It could b worse i mean who wants to look thru a bunch of manic and emotionally charged posts 4 fun?

Even the ones I write with a clear brain

It could be source of entertainment

But i write this post all to say if he still watching im still using this page whether its the guise of a sudden audience member or if im still shouting into a void

Pple know i dont care

They say they dont care but I truly dont care, i came up alone ive been in violent situations alone nobody came 2 help so if a nigga wanna take entertainment out a chunk of my life im glad i could be a source of happiness and healing in reading thru everything that gets 2 me

Ive had niggas say they gone come kill me

Gun to my face

Stomps on my head

Ive been raped multiple times from a young age

My mom dgaf bout me i mean what more could u possibly do to me for me to feel slighted im chronically slighted

Paper cut is how most shit feel to me now

There’s nothing fun in being afraid of nothing, always said u tryna to b hard

Idk what way 2 be soft with a endearment cycle like mine. Everything comes out harsh cause how do u say things with a softness ?

How do u live softly? If u not using softness as a cover as a straight up lie cause u know deep down its not pink jeeps and white fur carpets face masks and femininity is a JOKE!

I got extremely tired of covering up who i was cause it got to be a second job

If not being me was the first one

If i gotta b scapegoat for being authentic this merely a example

Dont be honest, every girl has told me that and have been 1000% correct

Nobody ready to truly break 4th wall and be candid be deeper than words beyond thought and to disect where the orgins lye

I had a hole in my underwear lmao right

I didnt care cause like im in bed who gaf

But he did n i tried to explain why i didnt care,

Nuance

LAYER 1

have these underwear since middle school cause my mom bought them 4 me at a time where she still gaf i still got em I still wear em

LAYER 2

Im behind closed doors nobody sees me but me or you idc

LAYER 3

Holes are holes and underwear is under clothes so its not seen im not seen

On top of that im embarrassed like wtf

Cause then i think bout them posts that get seared into brains of many like hygiene politics

And i have good hygiene so i didnt gaf

Idk just know imma still post on here

From my pov my raw pov no matter if my page get found or not we out chere 😇🤷🏾‍♂️🕳️

[gardeningintrests]

food 1a)

All around the galactic province on the eastern side of the galaxy, there was a rumour going around

"have you heard? the infamous 'deathworlders' are going to arrive in a few cycles! "

"i heard they dont have any fur! they only have skin warping up their bare muscles!"

"i heard they use high grade weapons for their daily life!"

"the rumour has it that they will eat anything within its sight when hungry"

"i heard they have hair on their heads and no where else!"

of course, some of the rumours were stupid and exagerated. but in face, a crew of humans is indeed coming its way to the galactic eastern province to attend a universal meeting about their diets and if any food from the death world (also known as Terran) can be edible by any other species.

onced the news of the rumans sudden arrival at the international space station, half of the Kaaldan species were gathering outside of the space station to satisfy their curiousity of the looks of the Terrans (humans)

"ugh, what a nuisance" captain jack said while preparing to depart onto a unfailiar land and looking outside with a window thats tainted so that outsiders cant see inside.

"well we just gotta ignore it." "yeah we have no other choice do we?"

a few of the crew said and sighed. They want to qucikly get the goody goody greeting and information insertion and then finalize their existence so that they can go places without getting scorned or gazed at with curiosity and hostility.

but they have a klong way to go, so they need to start step by step.

"welp, lets get going. the longer we stay the more people are coming here"

"can we even call them people?"

"dont be rude, Francis. We are going to be with them for the rest of our lives."

"im so resigning"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The crew of humans finally with the help of their hooded uniforms and masks and sunglasses, non of their face was recorded or taken a picture of. It was tiring to run from bystanders who are trying their horrible best to look at them.

they reached the meeting place.

Upon entering eveyong stood and welcomed them. in the meeting room, there was a huge round table, inside is no other than floating computer windows, statistics, notes and a system checker(like settings but more advanced)

they sat at the north of the round table (that makes them the star of the meeting)

they started as soonn as the humans took off their helmets and masks that hid of their face. and eveyone present were either wowed, shocked, scared or a mix of the said emotions.

Captain Jack Introduced himself, and eveyone is shcoked at his face. There was a huge scar, from his chin up to his forehead. Everyone present knows scars arent a good thing to talk about in any setient species.

they started with food, the basics.

once they all filled the humans screen with information of what is dangerous poison and what is edible foods around the galaxy. they provided them with the chemicals inside of the foods so that they can understand why theyre so dangerous.

afterall, humans are very curious creatures. so providing them with information would be a good idea to satisfy them.

Every species in the current seatings were proud of themsevles because they found humans a bit cute (somewhat like their young)

however.

the humans looked confused.

everyone soon tried to understand why, is it because the information is too complex for them to understand? perhaps a translation error? or perhaps they dont understand as they are not scientist?

then suddenly, one of the humans spoke : "uhmm, pardon my rudeness but is it alright for me to speak my mind?"

"of course human. "

"why is caffine not allowed?"

everyone stood in shock, and the remaining humans immediately pulled their friend down and whispered something to them. and the human seemed to relaized his mistake and apologized frantically.

"IM SO SORRY I WASNT AT MY RIGHT MIND JUST NOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE CHEMICAL FORMULAS SO MUCH I FORGOT MY APOLOGIES!!"

the human shouted his apology so loud that some species had a hard time in reciving it.

the aliens were all curious but too scared to ask, until a kaaldan asked the thing everyone is thinking about .

"why do you think caffine is allowed? if im correct, caffine is a high poison. It is usually used for execution and maybe poisoning of the leaders."

eveyone noded or responded in some way that is fit to their way of agreeing.

"im terribly sorry about my comrade has said, and to answer your question just now captain Huieosyen. Because in our planet, humans sometimes need to keep themselves awake for a longer time and in order to do that, we drink a beverag called coffee....

after long hours of explaning cafine and other things that cannot be eaten however edible in some way.

all of them were shocked at the humans discovery of baking and a usage of fire. They wouldve expected them like half of them, using fire to engage in combat and defend or hunt, to find the humans not really fit into their expectations of violence.

'well its better this way, they are adorable beings and i rather them not join battles'

after a while, the humans started to talk about the dinning etiquette, courses, disserts and how they are served or how they are made. They also put up pictures and videos of the crew making the food themselves.

the aliens were... upheaveled. what? humans put bacteria on food to make it more delicious?? is this really a thing? humans like any other sentient species is that outside bacteria is not good for the body and they put it on food. the one thing they eat.

and then because of this the humans stayed another few hours explaning and giving out information for each food that basiclly exist.

"thank you so much for your cooperation, Humans. And we are terribly sorry for taking your time away."

"no no its alright, its for the safety of not only us humans but also the species out there."

and with that, the humans returned to the international space station and by the time they arrive, it was already 2 in the morning. what a long day.

a few months later, the whole article about human food is published onto the galactic net and everyone was caught off guard by the weirdness of the humans.

and soon, cook books and tv shows are suddenly on air, showing diffrent species of aliens what they can and cannot eat.

makes us wonder what would happen if they knew humans used fire for other things as well.

[jpegjade]

Hot girl summer - Spencer

Request: 

yay requests :)) I would love something where the reader is insecure about her body, but spencer comforts her and reassures her that her beauty goes way beyond her body. no worries if you can’t get to it! thanks 🥰

Warnings: a couple swear words and a little suggestive thing at the end. Also it’s about the reader’s low self-esteem and general unease with her body so if you have a problem with reading it at any point, do not feel inclined to continue. Seriously mental health first. 

I MAY HAVE GONE A LITTLE OVERBOARD. I struggle with this so this one hit home (thank you anon for this one, like genuinely). IM SO SORRY IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING LIGHTER. 

_____________

It was hot, sweltering even. Your fan did almost nothing to cool the apartment off and there was no other way to cool off. The hotter it got the more layers Spencer took off. Right now, he was down to being shirtless and wearing a pair of khakis lounging on the couch with his hands behind his head. He was a marvel to stare at like that. You were thankful for the hot day but damn were you hot.

“You’re still wearing that hoodie? We’re at the beginning of Summer. Statistically, hyperthermia is bound to set in if you don’t shed a layer or two and stay hydrated. You haven’t been drinking enough fluids lately. I can tell because you aren’t sweating. Shedding a layer or two would help your body cool down. And I wouldn’t mind, also…” He said, sheepishly. He had the cutest grin on his face. He was so proud of himself for being smooth. 

The relationship had been steady the past couple months. It was nice to have someone who cared so greatly about you. It was also nice to know that he paid attention to you in such detail. You smiled at him as he sat up on the couch. You looked him up and down, wondering how long it had been since- 

“Y/N? Are you okay? I’m really concerned.” His brow furrowed a little as he scanned your face for any sign of recognition. You being unresponsive was concerning him. 

“Yeah… I just don’t really feel like taking the hoodie off, I guess.” You said, not able to meet his eyes. 

“Please, I’m begging you. I really don’t want you suffering from heat stroke. It can be extremely difficult to cool your body down and while I have the knowledge, I don’t have the right equipment to correctly care for you. If it’s a life or death situa-” 

“I don’t feel comfortable in my body and I hate when you see me without anything on.” You blurted out. Suddenly, everything started to come out. “I’ve gained weight since the quarantine, I’ve gotten bigger. My clothes don’t fit like they used to and you haven’t changed. You’re fit without even trying and you don’t have to worry about this stuff because you’re you. You’re skinny. You fit your clothes. You haven’t gone through what I’ve been dealing with for weeks and I’ve worked so hard to hide it from you but I’m tired… I’m tired of looking at myself in the mirror and hating every inch of what I see in the reflection. And I hate that you see me like this. Okay? Can we drop it now?” 

You didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did. You didn’t want to attack him or make him feel like you meant to hurt him. You watched as he tried to say something, his mouth opening and closing. He licked his lips and didn’t say anything. That’s when you started to feel it rising up, the anger. The frustration. The hatred. All at yourself. You couldn’t believe that you said that to your boyfriend, the only guy who had ever loved you as you were. So many people had come and gone in your life, people that taught you how to truly hate yourself and it stuck. The words, the feeling, everything stuck. And now, it was coming back to bite you after you worked so hard to keep it hidden from him, especially during these past few months. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve said something to make you feel like you… I didn’t mean to pry or make you feel uncomfortable. I thought it was-” He started, looking down at his hands.

“Spencer, it’s not you. It’s me. I’ve always been like this. It’s not your fault. You’ve been nothing but good to me. I promise. It’s always been me and especially now, I don’t… I’m sorry. I just don’t like when you look at me the way you do...” You stared at your feet, covered in mismatched socks. You couldn’t find the matches and all you wanted was to cover up today. 

There was a silence, uncomfortable and suffocating. Everything was wrong. It was your fault that this happened… All you had to do was-

“Come on.” Spencer left the couch, grabbing your hand and  leading you to the bathroom. All you could think was how he was going to break up with you now that he knew you weren’t as confident as you made yourself seem most recently. 

“Okay. Stand right here, in front of me.” He put his arms around your waist from behind and bent over a little to sit his head in the crook of your neck and your shoulder. 

“Spencer, if you’re going to break up with me, just do it. Don’t mess around and…” You felt the tears building up at the thought of living without him. 

“Shhh. Okay, tell me what you see. Be honest and don’t hold back.” He said looking in the mirror. 

“I see a really cute man with stubble and soft hands and glasses that frame his face very well.” You said, trying to hold back the tears. You hated the view of your body in the mirror, even if you were still in your heavy hoodie.

“Thank you but what do you see about the girl in front of me?” His face remained straight, unreadable. 

One tear fell. Then another. Then another. 

“I see someone who doesn’t deserve the person behind the person behind her. I see someone who is overweight, out of shape, someone who isn’t good enough because she doesn’t…” Your voice caught in your throat. You breathed a deep sign. “I see someone I hate. I hate her more than anyone in the world.” 

“Okay, my turn.” He said, still unreadable. “I see a brilliant, kind, loving, soft, unique woman in front of me. I see someone who would rather be late because she stopped in the road to help baby ducks cross the street than be on time. I see strength and power in her shaking hands. I see someone who lives their life at a pace they can handle, never letting anyone dictate who they are. I see a woman who would do anything for her loved ones. I see someone who deserves all the good in the world because that’s what she gives out. I see light and love and peace and joy all wrapped up in the body of someone who is soft, gentle, and beautiful. I’ve noticed changes but I see the changes on the inside. So what if you’ve gained some more squish? I love it like I love the rest of you. So what if I’m built like a stick? I can’t fill a dress with curves like you. You don’t deserve me. You deserve better. And I want to be better for you, in any way that I can. You deserve the best because you give the best type of love there is: Pure, innocent, and bright.” 

You looked back up at your reflection, suddenly feeling warm inside. He thought all those things about you… He thought such nice things about you… Why couldn’t you think of those things? 

“I don’t see it.” You said, your voice small. 

“It’s okay. You won’t now but being better for you means that I remind you. And you’ll slowly see it.” He said, kissing your cheek. “But for now, I would like to cool off with a cold bath.” 

“Oh, okay. I’ll go read my book.” You said, pulling away from him. Or at least you attempted to. Spencer pulled you back to where you previously were standing. 

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” His voice was low and soft but there was something else mixed in. “You’re going to get in with me and I’m going to wash your hair and massage your shoulders and help you cool off because it’s really hot but so are you. I don’t care what you say, you could literally be a cardboard box and I would still want you the way I do now. And I mean now.” 

“Spence…” You said, feeling your face grow hot. He rarely got authoritative but when he did, your world was rocked.

“That wasn’t a question.”

_____________

I WRITE SUCH LONGASS ONESHOTS. DEAR LORD I NEED TO GET TO THE POINT FASTER. unless you guys like the longer ones. i get carried away

Tags: 

@ancailinaerach

[smalltragedy]

* brigette lundy-paine, nonbinary + they/them | you know kirby wormwood, right? they’re twenty five, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, two weeks? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to ring ring by mika like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole balancing acts at perilous heights destined to entertain, jack of all trades master of none, refusal to accept the mortal world as it is thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 1st, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hllo welcome 2 my third character i love them a lot theyre a. remake of an older oc of mine so this is fun <3 sdfhk anyways once again i am asking u. pleathe like if u wld like to plot.

ARSON TW

mini playlist.

wizard ;; lucas lex / ring ring ;; mika / crows ;; clues / sunrise sunset ;; bright eyes / la llorona ;; beirut / no children ;; the mountain goats / might be love ;; the pesky snakes / sax in the city ;; let’s eat grandma.

statistics.

full name: kirby wormwood (currently).

nickname(s): magpie.

birthday: december 1st, 1995.

zodiac: sagittarius sun, aries moon, libra ascending.

mbti & temperament: estp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the hellion.

hometown: abilene, texas.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

alright lets get right into it. kirby ws switched at birth. they cld’ve hd a very like. picket fence trampoline in the backyard. 4 columns cos its texas n it feels right. bt instead they were chosen <3 somewhat unintentionally <3 by dorothea n fawley wormwood, two traveling circus workers who emergency stopped in abilene.

n u know what. growing up in st. pierre’s traveling circus ws kinda fkn awesome? like ok. besides the fact tht they were homeschooled fr like evr n there were a sparing amt of children 2 socialize with? it ws p cool idk.

it ws kinda like everybody ws their parent n also not at all bc they were all very casual. bt they grew up learning hw 2 maintain the circus (n also like. normal school thingz bt i dnt think kirby hs ever cared abt school like ever) n whenever they hd a show kirby wld facepaint or handle tickets until they were old enough 2 start learning like. the Real fun things. 

fawley hd a lot of his own weird odd little like superstitions n beliefs n practically raised kirby on them like n they dnt rly <3 make a lot of sense. lots of made up philosophy. very much like. nothing defines u. u cn b anything or anyone. n kirby ws like ok cool. n then developed a god complex.

names didnt rly stick 2 kirby when they were a kid like. nothing satisfied them or felt worthy fr them or simply they just. got tired of a name. this isnt related 2 them being nonbinary BUT it did help ease some of the. pressure of exploring gender identity. theyve only hd one name tht stuck genuinely n tht ws magpie n. thts bc everybody hd their own bird name n it felt very. like community. like a role. usually the names they used during performances bt. anyways KFHDSGLKKHL

theyre Kirby bt answers 2 most. neutral nouns.

honestly. they were also a rascal as a youth. ws like. oh. i learned sleight of hand? cool. time 2 pick pockets. wld throw popcorn into the hair of other kids n b like. omggg what was that ... became a mime fr a year. it ws a rigorous training.

now a master of charades. bt anyways. they traveled pretty much weekly, maybe bimonthly n sometimes just pure monthly. there wsn’t an off season fr them, when the colder months came they’d travel south and when summer rolled in they’d go right back up again. it ws easy to switch personas almost daily n just. never reveal ur true self. totally not saying tht’s what kirby did bt thts what they did. it nvr made them lose sight of themselves it ws more like. acting. tricking ppl fr fun. 

anyways all good things come 2 an end and when kirby ws like. 18. they were like hey ur old enough that we cn trust u with fire. we think. n they started 2 learn fire-throwing n like. they were ok at it bt lessons were painfully slow n kirby ws like. i wld b so good at this if i cld do it all the time. n it ws like. hey kirby, chill. u already know a lot of things.

arson tw // u see where this is going. tents are kind of flammable. kirby ws unsupervised. bad decisions all around. circus is aflame. all the animals n all the circus workers got out fine bt like. st. pierre’s ws efficiently out of business. arson end of tw //

n kirby fkn booked it they just. ran. pure fear. nvr looked back which is like super traitorous of them 2 do bt. sometimes they meet up in secret like. sunglasses n all at a coffee shop. not all of them just like. fawley or someone else. theyre like. ur family u cld burn down a thousand circuses n we’d still love u. n kirby is like yeah i know bt i’ve rly committed to the bit now. n they dnt reunite.

anyways. since then kirby hs just been. a traveler. nvr rly staying anywhere fr super long n driving around in their shitty little van tht’d been used as housing back at st. pierre’s.

they’re in irving n theyve been there fr almost. suspiciously long. compared 2 their average stays. when asked abt what they do or why theyre there theyll just. give a vague answer or spin a long tale tht usually involves a burning circus.

theyre staying at uh. abernathy creek rn bc of course they r they fit in so naturally. welcomed with wide arms. might b soul searching rn might b on the hunt fr their birth parents might b just vibing ... whose to say ..

personality & facts.

has a Big personality tht attracts others fr better or fr worse. either super likeable or the most despicable person on the earth. no in betweens. n honestly tht is a talent in itself

has no off button is constantly. spinning tales or performing a dance or getting kicked out of bars fr whatever nonsense reason. 

honestly they prob think tht nothing bad cn ever happen to them even tho like. bad has literally happened 2 them before? love the optimism here. KLFGDLKFSDHGF

acts a bit like u’ve known them fr ur entire life they r oddly warm in tht way bt they themself r so distant tht its like. oh nice ok ...

both honest n yet dishonest like. yes they will hustle u out of ur money bt they will also tell u their opinion straight up. 

probably smart bt they r just like. prime thembo? flowy pirate shirts n cropped tshirts n pants tht r never tight. dresses like they do still work n live at a circus. 

likes 2 instigate things between others n then stand back n just watch it happen while taking like zero accountability. loves a good small town drama. avid milf hunter.

does not hv any faith in the american healthcare system at all n will straight up refuse 2 go 2 a hospital if they get hurt theyre like. i cn do it myself im like practically a professional. they r not a professional. 

bt does hv like. a thing abt apples. fkn loves them. 

uuuhhh cn play instruments bt all very badly. only knows one (1) song tht isnt made up n its wonderwall by oasis. they play it at parties. they expect fr tomatoes to b thrown at them at any given time.

very nimble. agile. granted its frm. learning circus tricks frm a baby age bt they hv impeccable balance n cn sneak up behind anyone without a single noise. uses this 2 their advantage in order 2 scare ppl. chaotic neutral.

loves having the attention on them i wont fk around here. will go to drastic measures to accomplish receiving it. my other muses r capable of taking things srsly bt kirby just. is not. they do not take a single thing srsly they barely even took. st. pierre’s destruction srsly n they caused it. maybe.

likes being able to just. be unknown so the amt tht ppl know abt them is actually very. little. i dnt think they even tell others their last name. sometimes not even their first. just hs so many aliases n nicknames. i know i didnt list any bt thts simply bc Any cld.

probably acts out to compensate fr the. underlying guilt they hv bt thts okay. i mean it isnt bt.

will probably show up if u call them fr help bt they lose interest in people p quickly n r always moving onto the next shiniest person. bt when they do they give them like. all their attention. if u wrong them in this period they will just. ignore it. bt when theyre bored then its like. u werent even friends at all? very odd.

perhaps it is commitment issues bt <3 ya. thts them. they do not claim favorite colors or movies or. most interests. probably bc theyre very very disconnected frm pop culture i think they learn everything thru twitter n google.

i wld not call them a good person bt i also dnt think theyre like evil horrible nasty awful they just. think abt themself a lot more than they think abt others n also refuses to face consequences ever and also .. anyways.

wanted plots.

part of the bird’s nest ;; honorary bird honorary circus member. u hv to be very well regarded by kirby to earn a bird name bt i feel like tht doesnt feel like a lot considering theyve only been here fr like. two weeks KDGDSHKGK. the catch is tht u cn only refer 2 them as magpie frm then forward. 

hand in unlovable hand ;; theres comfort in being terrible ppl together n it may not last bt it doesnt hv to anyways. its just them n the like. vibes. n knowing tht its smth thts nvr gna b long term. cld b anything ur character just hs to be also a little evil. KHDSGFDS

one jester ... wht abt ... TWO jesters .. ;; hoo boy. ooh man. unstoppable force and immovable object combine forces n just become. the worst of the worst. ultimate jokesters. epic pranksters. absolute clowns. chaotic energy unmatched. always nonsense. 

n also ;; ppl they’ve stolen frm, ppl who hv caught them in that act, ppl who’ve maybe seen them in the circus a very long time ago, Found Family Trope, real family shenanigans, kirby just asking everybody if theyre their dad., mortal enemies if they see each other its an instant duel 2 the death, etc.

[loyally-unfaithful]

—; but “sentimental boy” is my nom de plume

word count: 1916

pairing: connor/gn!reader

genre: slight fluff; hurt no comfort

summary: it has been a year after the android revolution. humans and android alike settled down, an olive branch was offered as a sign of reconciliation. with newfound peace came along newfound love, and many open roads to choose from. this was no different for the rk800—connor. surprisingly or unsurprisingly, he decided to continue working at the dpd, this time as a bonafide detective. but he has also accepted the thrilling uncertainty of life that deviancy has brought; the same strings that brought his lover in his life.the same ones he hated and cursed, the same fates who ripped it all away.

a/n: everytime i convince myself i came out of my dbh hyperfixation i just look at connor and i become lovesick again.

gosh i know i should be finishing my other fic or work on the prologue script for my vn, but,,,,,,, i just had a sudden hankering for connor angst,,,,

written during a sleep deprivation induced moment of epiphany,,,,, (purple prose cuz im extra af uwu)

I’ve never written angst before so i’d love to hear your thoughts on it

maybe if you asked him one year ago whether he’d consider returning someone’s feelings, romantic feelings, he’d reply to you with a placid smile and a polite « i’m sorry, i wasn’t programmed to reciprocate romantic interest. ». he remembered that he’d sneer at them internally. now thinking about it, long before he questioned his obedience towards her, he already showed signs of deviancy.

you did what you were designed to do.

memories from his past would still torment him erratically, doubts would resurface on particularly dark days. but you were the light that cut through that haze. this wasn’t a “fake deviancy”. it couldn’t have been. not when he is holding your body so close to his, warmth radiating off of each other, two heartbeats—similar, but different—thrumming together. all the softly whispered and adoringly announced « i love you »’s; all the quick and coveted pecks and all the feverish and passionate kisses. no, he was alive, he was sure of it—alive and absolutely enamoured by you. all semblance of doubt ebbed away when you entered his life.

whenever he’s around you, he feels more alive: you make him feel everything, all the little precious things. tenderness and adoration when he shares tranquil mornings with you. he feels more alive when he’s with you, all the little habits and routines too endearing: the sweet post-it notes scattered over your shared flat; scribbled upon it are encouraging words or sweet nothings. conflicting work schedules meant that moments spent together were scarce, but that made them even more valuable and coveted. captivation, was another emotion that he felt around you. your mannerism, your dreams and interests, your physical attributes and quality of voice. logically speaking, you were just another human, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. you’d live and then one day, you’d die. as if you never really existed. but he wasn’t being logical. how could he be? when you were right there in front of him? you made him irrational, and he found that new aspect in life thrilling. confusing at first, but exciting. he was eternally grateful that you let him experience all these beautiful emotions with you. he was grateful that you allowed him in your short journey that you called life.

he was happy, absolutely content, with his shared life with you. you were both in perfect places in your respective lives: you both had a stable job, loving family backing you up, and a fulfilling love life. what seemed to be a mismatched couple at first turned to be 2 pieces of the same puzzle finally finding their place. life for the both of you couldn’t be better.

but along with the many exquisite moment that your romantic endeavours brought you, the android didn’t only taste the sweet delicacies of life; no matter how idyllic a moment may be, there were times when he had to taste the astringent and sour desserts life offered.

anger. that was an emotion that he felt. but that’s not accurate, no… it was frustration and shock and betrayal, all the unsavoury feelings in the world. perhaps it was due to his inexperience, maybe his lack of exposure to these negative sentiments, that caused him to snap the way he did. to hurt you the way he did. but it happened and there was no turning back the clock.

no matter how much he begged and cried for it.

he was proud that you got the job offer in canada, he really was. and he, like any other caring boyfriend would, offered to accompany you there, an offer which you gladly accepted. that was the plan. but plans were difficult to follow. crime waits for no man, working for the law meant that connor must always be available for duty. no excuses, he was an android. but connor wasn’t just a simple android detective, no, he had a much more important role: he was the link, the messenger, between jericho and the police force. he was the crucial communication between the two forces. so when jericho contacted him about threats of anti-android attacks, he had to make an appearance at their base. the meeting coincided with the day you were meant to travel to canada. it was a simple trip really. it only took a few hours by train, stay in canada for 2 days (it was the weekend), and then return back to detroit, probably arriving in the late afternoons to their home.

but you were looking forwards to traveling with your wonderful partner after « [we] spent so much time apart ». the day he told you the urgent change of plans, connor was tired, overwhelmed. you were frustrated and expectant. a fight was bound to have erupted. accusatory statements, along the lines of: « you don’t actually care about me! it’s all about work and work and work! » and « i can’t believe how selfish you’re being right now! » in between shouting and yelling and frustration and anger and contempt–

you both went to bed exhausted but spiteful, still not forgiving each other. in hindsight, he felt so utterly pathetic, so unbelievably childish, for being that cruel, and uncaring. he didn’t want to be like him again. so many glares and insults were thrown at each other, tears threatened to spill, LED flashed and shone a true red, doors were slammed. he felt awful, plain and simple. you both lied in the same bed, under the same cover. so close yet so excruciatingly far apart. back facing the other’s, no one said a word.

you woke up before him. bitter and unhappy. no morning kisses, no whispered « i love you » to wake your other half. you wordlessly got yourself ready, grabbed your bag and quietly snuck out. no post it notes were left. no sweet promises or encouraging words. you could do this work trip without him. you were independent. you didn’t need a tin can to chaperone you everywhere. so you left. plain and simple. gone. since you woke up and left earlier than planned, you boarded an earlier train. how lovely and convenient. the carriages were mostly filled with androids. perhaps they were trying to immigrate to canada like the others. who knows. you paid no mind and absentmindedly scrolled through your phone, obsessively checking your messages to see if connor realised. to see if he apologised. because frankly, at that point you were tired of being mad and just wanted to spend the day in his arms. but prideful and petty as you were, you weren’t willing to apologise and admit your mistakes first.

connor roused from stasis a few moments afterward, less bitter and more regretful. he wished to right his wrongs but the normally warm presence beside him was not there. his system was slowly booting back up when his audio sensor picked up an incessant ringing from the living room. he jolted up and rushed out to pick up the ringing phone call and waited for the other side to speak up.

the room was so utterly quiet, a silence so suffocating engulfed the room, that you could hear a pin drop. the voice on the other side asked whether this was indeed your house and that he was indeed connor anderson. he swallowed dryly and answered with a soft, « yes ». running a quick check in his database, he matches the caller’s voice with a certain nathaniel edwards. first responder. he allowed his HUD to display the news. if androids could get pale, have all their blood drain from their faces, his would have certainly done so. he stood, rigid and motionless, consumed by shock and horror.

the news and the first responder’s words blended into one as he gripped the phone tighter: « this morning, at 7:48 am the train from detroit to toronto was caught in a devastating turn of events: the train soon caught in fire and exploded as it made its way over the border. it has been confirmed that there has been 0 survivors. it is unclear whether this was an unfortunate accident or the result of anti-android terrorism. »

the other person’s voice poured through the speaker but he wasn’t listening. he stared blankly in front of him. no way, he thought, it couldn’t have been… the only sign that the android was registering the other man’s input was the now constant red LED.

« sir? sir. i’m sorry to bring this— – no, this isn’t right… you must have the wrong number, he interrupted. there were probably others with your name… maybe they were mistaken... – sir that’s not possible, w— – you must have gotten the wrong house… not… it-it couldn’t have been…» but he knew how improbable it was that they got the wrong number. he was built to be logical, to believe statistics. the statistics told him you were dead. long gone. he hoped and prayed that you stayed back, didn’t get on the earlier train. the statistics told him you did.

he choked out a response, quiet and defeated. you were gone. he’d never get to see you again. « i… i’m sorry… i-i don’t understand… – we tried our best to find them sir, but… the fire was too severe… if we gain any new developm— – you didn’t save them. »

still in a daze, he must have hung up on the poor man and unceremoniously dropped the phone. its clatter the only sound in this deafening silence. the reality of it all comes crashing through and he collapsed, ugly sobs escaping him as the denial faded away to make way for the pure and unfiltered grief. he felt lost. for the first time in a long while since amanda he felt so utterly and completely lost. no more shining beacon during his dark and stormy nights. no more valued affection and coveted kisses. no more notes and no more smile to come home to.

he laughed bitterly, devoid of any humour. it was funny, just how cruel the fates were: made human life so fleeting. lachesisonly gave them such a short eternity. and when he thought you both found your missing halves, bound to another by an invisible string, atropos cuts it. a small snippet that is so easily ripped away from you. he belonged with you, he felt at peace with you. he was able to be what he struggled to be for the majority of his miserable and artificial existence. with you, he was able to be happy.

but now he’ll have to get used to not coming home to a warm embrace. he’ll have to get used to going into stasis alone, in the cold bed. he’ll have to get used to his aching heart being greeted by an empty house. every cold and lonely  nights. it’s ridiculous how human he felt because of you. and he was both thankful and spiteful for it.

sadness and bitter regret ripped through him when he remembered that he didn’t  share goodbyes before he left. he remembered how he couldn’t have apologised to you and tenderly held you. he regretted not being able to tell you how much he loved you and how much you meant to him for the last time. ra9 only knows the things he’d do and the things he’d sacrifice, just to have you in his arms again.

instead he was faced with the bitter reminder that the last thing he’s ever said to you, your last memory of him, was a contemptuous and scornful « i wished i never met you ».

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[itsallavengers]

sad boy hours

sometimes im just so angry at the world and at destiny or whatever the fuck for saddling me with the depression and the fucking plethora of mental health issues like its so selfish but why me. why did i have to be the unlucky number in the statistic. i couldve fucking done anything i wanted i had the natural talent im smart im capable but. God was just like Nah and smited the fuck out of me and now im here and i just want to be fucking dead instead. its so fucking unfair. i want to be better but no matter what i do i just cant and so im stuck in this spiral of absolute raw self loathing and despair like. i just want to be done already im too fucking tired im turning 18 this year but the prospect of having to live out the rest of my life just fills me with a feeling of exhaustion bc i know im going to be dealing with this until the day I die and im going to make worse and worse choices to try and cope with that. Like i havent spent a whole day sober in like 3 weeks now bc the only way i can feel fucking normal is if im drunk. I dont do any of my college work even though i fucking want to do my college work but i just cant fucking find the focus (unless, again, im drunk) to get through it. I’m purposefully sabotaging my own fucking life bc i cant handle the thought of trying my hardest and still feeling this way so i might as well just feel like this bc of my own actions you know. like fuck. 

anyway im a fucking mess and im incredibly sad rn and shit SUCKS welcome to 2020

[finleytm]

「 shawn mendes. cismale. he/him. 」i hope that #lexsquad member「 FINLEY MORALES 」adds me to the squad ! the 「 TWENTY-THREE 」year old 「 PHYSIOLOGY 」 major has been apart of the squad since 「 FEBRUARY 2020 」and seems to be the 「 OPTIMIST 」of the group.「 FIN 」is a「 JUNIOR 」 and seems to enjoy 「 READING IN THE LIBRARY 」but you can always find them at a squad party , too !

good evening ! i don’t have a single ounce of self control so here’s my second baby , finley , a soft lil artist + nerd who just wants everyone to be happy , but understands that that’s unrealistic so he hopes everyone is doing okay , at the very least. 

STATISTICS.

full name : finley angel morales

major : physiology 

orientation : panseuxal

hometown : rochester , ny. 

height : 6′3

build : muscular , built. 

BACKGROUND.

finley was born in portugal , but they moved when he was three so he only remembers living in new york ! his dad is from portugal and his moms from ny. 

his parents met & fell in love when his mom was visiting portugal and they ended up moving back to new york after lil fin was born !

his parents were always that picture perfect kinda love that fin looked up to 

and then when fin when in high school his dad kinda went off the wall , cheating and all this nonsense and oop , finley has a little half sister named flora. she’s 8 now and the cutest lil thing ever. 

his parents separated for a year , but ended up getting back together. fin doesn’t exactly approve , and their marriage hasn’t really been the same since , but he doesn’t say anything about it.

other than that , fin was raised to be kind & respectful & positive. his mom is like this sweet , right light in his life. definitely a mommas boys.

fin is super , super smart ! goal wise , he’s in school to get his undergrad in physiology , and then he plans on going to med school to be a pediatric doctor bc he loves kids :( and has a knack for learning about the body & medical stuff. smart lil brain. 

he also minors in art history literally for fun !!! no reason behind it. he just loves art and the history of art. he just didn’t see what being an art major would get him. 

speaking of art , he’s very talented in art + loves to paint and draw. he has an instagram just for his art and he does commissions. 

going to lex was a total spur of the moment decision + he hates being away from his family. 

PERSONALITY.

soft. so , so soft. not incredibly gullible , but has a gentle nature. 

looks on the bright side of literally everything. failed a test ? there’s always more. got your heartbroken ? time will heal that ! 

a very , very good friend ! will keep ur secrets. will call u when you’re bored. will buy u lunch just to be nice. 

he’ll definitely stand up for himself if he needs to , but he’s more likely to stay quiet because he doesn’t like confrontation.

a lil sensitive. gets bothered easily but just gets quiet & will go away until he feels better. 

has a super cute sense of humor. makes lil jokes and books and doesn’t generally think he’s funny but can tend to put a good joke out there.

generally a pretty ... Good Boy u know

doesn’t really smoke / drink / etc. he goes to parties but he’s only been drunk once in his life.

can be a little oblivious ! will have not a single clue you’re flirting with him. 

blushes easily. easily intimidated. 

a Bi King

HEADCANONS.

speaks english , portugese , spanish , & asl. 

works at smithies when he’s not in class. ! 

wears sweaters even if it’s hot. or overalls. 

has the MOST unruly , ridiculous hair in the world. it’s so cute but its so curly. 

literally loves to read ? always reading. runs into walls bc hes walking and reading. 

goes to the gym every morning at 6 am before classes.

wears contacts + sometimes wears glasses. 

a bit of a perfectionist. organized notes. everything is in order. neat as fuck. 

obsessed w/ disney movies and shakespeare.

a tall , soft , kind boy. :( 

idk anymore im tired this is all u get rn. 

CONNECTIONS.

i’m gonna make a page but for now : 

someone break his heart , please. please , i’ll beg ! 

best friend / dorm mate ! 

a cute lil confidant kinda thing 

a lil saucy fwb bc i feel like he’s only slept w/ like ... two people so i feel like this would be different as fuck for him ( bonus if he gets attached + they just wanna fuck ! ) 

a bad influence for him. god. get him drunk. get him high. something ! 

maybe ..... enemies ? 

that’s all i got rn , but here’s his pinterest ! 

[sunwritten]

hi guys  😁  i am ur girl mimi  ( she/her, mst, 22 )  and all u have to know about me is that i do nothing but keysmash , cry , listen to redvelvet and arianagrande, talk spanglish since spanish is my first language AND that i love sonic the hedgehog . now let me introduce to u to my boy  😁

̗̀   ✰   ― 〔  cha  eunwoo,  cis  male,  he/him  ）―  ❝  have  you  seen  mason  choi  walking  around  the  town  square  in  the  afternoon  ?  if  you’re  close  enough  you  might  even  be  able  to  hear  in  your  eyes  by  the  weeknd  blasting  through  their  headphones.  they’re  twenty-four  and  are  currently  working  as  a  piano instructor  /  songwriter.  once  you  get  to  know  them,  you’ll  be  able  to  find  out  that  they’re  very  candid  and  reserved,  but  also  can  be  very  lackadaisical  and  blunt.

statistics .

name: mun-hee “mason” choi .

age: 24 .

dob: january 1st , 1996 .

gender + pronouns: cis male , he/him .

zodiac: capricorn sun , libra moon , pisces raising .

orientation: bisexual , biromantic . 

religion: heavily raised under catholic influences . he doesn’t care , though .

hometown: olympia , washington .

residence: novan , south carolina .

occupation: piano instructor, but he can be a tutor for anything if he does some investigation the night prior. singer and songwriter in hopes to make it big one day. streamer and influencer on twitch, youtube and instagram. 

about .

THE JACK OF ALL TRADES: a person who is not content learning about just one thing only , developing a sense to learn something efficiently so they can be good enough at whatever they choose . raised under a strict household , mason craved to learn and experience more than what was taught under the roof of his house and church . spent most of his life reaching out ( sometimes suceeding , sometimes not ) to everything to have some kind of experience under his belt: some of these being both noticed by his parents and some others not ( and for the better ) . a quick learner and adaptable , and when he knows how to approach new skills properly , no mountain is too high for him .

the only child to a priest and a lawyer . mun-hee , eventually introducing himself as mason because he was tired of repeating his name over and over , was brought up in a wealthy and strictly catholic household in olympia , washington . he was forbidden from doing anything out of the ordinary since he could remember ; from dirtying up his sunday clothes to not attending his best friend's birthday party because his parents had the suspicion that substances were going to be involved at the party , and they didn't want him to fall into that hole . if only they knew .

was pushed into the church's choir against his own will when he turned eight , weeks later he was not only praised by his voice , but he fell in love with music . he learned how to play the piano and guitar by himself , and he was later taught by his parent's friends on how to play the violin , the flute , the drums and even the saxophone . he is currently learning how to play the cello and the harp . he specializes on piano , guitar and drums only while the others are one of his multiple , but not so developed , skills .

wrote his very first song when he was eleven ( something that got him the first place at his school's talent show ) , since then he has been writing and creating his own music . he’s currently working on trying to produce something good enough to put out one day . his passion on music caused some tension between him and his parents because , although they didn't disown him or anything , they didn't approve of it---- mostly because they had plans of having him replace his father's position at their church . this caused mason to simply not talk about music with them . it was when he graduated high school when he decided to move out to new york to attend columbia as a mathematics major with a minor on creative writing . after graduation , he moved to novan at the age of 21 because he wanted a new change of scenery .

jason has his own youtube channel , filled with vlogs about literally everything: archives of his past gaming streams on twitch , guitar/piano/bass/song covers that have gone viral on twitter and instagram time to time so he has somewhat of a following fanbase .

tidbits .

despite that i know nothing about mason so im going full force on development with him LKSJKLSJSLKJSLKJS

a himbo . he’s a really nice guy ... kinda dense .. kinda slutty ....... but at the same time he’s v reserved and doesn’t speak until someone is speaking to him bc that’s juss how he was raised U know

he’s not as religious as his parents think he is . he doesn’t... really care but that’s the religion he was raised with so . but that won’t stop him from wearing this sexc necklace with a golden cross bc he thinks he looks hot with it Mwah .

mason has a good relationship with his parents actually !!!! something that is sexc despite of the lil music tension because not only he adores them and they adore him , but he’s lowkey living off their money but at the same time he has gotten a bunch of MONIESSSS because rich people keep giving him money so he can teach their kids to play ( insert musical instrument here ) hehe .

u kno on parasite how the kim family started to do the things the park family wanted or whatever..... kinda like that . sometimes uses his skill of being a quick learner to come up with something quick and make it believable and get the monies KJKLSJSJS

a piano , guitar and drums prodigy . sings like an angel and has the voice of my man’s baekhyun with some lil justin bieber undertones u kno.....  probably v popular at karaoke bars . and he’s a songwriter too and produces and mixes his own music and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

he wants to put out music sometime but for now....... he just makes random covers on his youtube channel , a channel that became popular bc oooooooooooooo cute boy who can sing and play the piano and is funny on his videogame streams . lets subscribe and tip him ten dollars so he can sing a song to me on his next stream <3 !

has gone viral time to time bc of his covers and bc hes really funny on twitter ngl . but if someone recognizes him he gets rather shy LSKJSLKSJKSLJ 

fucks around with alcohol and some drugs but it’s nothing too wild . he has been toying w these habits since high school and he still thanks god that they never found out about this ldjldkjdkldjd 

idk what else to say

he knows how to do card and skateboard tricks but please dont ask him to do wild things on the skateboard please he just can do the basics and doesn’t fancy the idea of getting his nose broken again LKJLSKJSLKSJLKSJ

a whole ass gamer when he’s not scratching his head trying to come up with the perfect sound for a new song . will ignore phone calls and messages until he’s done . he is also one of those bitches who will make u cum and then will get up to continue his game SLKJKLSJSKLJSKLSJ

he has a white cat and a cocker spaniel: phat and kiwi! aka the loves of his life 

a hopeless romantic who has like 289739873 failed relationships . he was a puppy heartbreaker when he was in college ngl

wanted connections.

best friend or someone he’s super close with ever since he moved in

unlikely friendship

partying buddies

PARTNERS IN CRIME

maybe he can be a cornerstone to someone just kno he’s not good with advice LKSJLKSJSLKJSKLSJ

maybe someone he teaches piano??? or maybe he taught them something else IDK

maybe a muse... someone who gives him so much inspo for his music/poems mmmmm this could be multiple because he finds inspo on everyone basically

exes ( good / bad terms ) kinda want three exes so he could say ONE TAUGHT ME LOVE , ONE TAUGHT ME PATIENCE AND ONE TAUGHT ME PAIN !!!!!

one sided crush ( them @ him or him @ them )

MUTUAL CRUSH ???????????????????

someone he spoils just bc ( this should be talked abt i guess )

frenemies

mutual annoyance

maybe someone who joins him on his vlogs u kno..... like when they r together his followers (or theirs if there’s someone out there who was a youtube channel too) are like o shit hell yeah

fwb(s) because he’s a slut  -________-

bad / good influences are also good

one night stands 

idk

fuck

pokemon go buddies 

neighbors? he lives in an apartment complex and his apartment is sexc ngl 

i like to brainstorm tho

please plot with me thanks

[punkscowardschampions]

Hathor & Sekhmet

Hathor: About to slap myself so you'll feel it Hathor: wherever you are ain't where you should be Sekhmet: what im sleep Sekhmet: 😴😴😴 Hathor: wake up 👊🏽 Hathor: you asked me to meet you, remember? Sekhmet: I think that's tomorrow Sekhmet: I said Wednesday, right Hathor: That's today Hathor: you blackout past Tuesday? Sekhmet: You're joking Sekhmet: well then, that means I've got a deadline I gotta meet and not a whole lot of time for brunch dates Hathor: you're joking Hathor: I cancelled on a fine boy for you Sekhmet: it's so early you got time to hit it back Sekhmet: I know I didn't tell you I'd meet you at the crack of dawn Hathor: you didn't and you're late af still Sekhmet: chill sis, I'll make it up to you Hathor: yeah Hathor: anyone else'd be offended you don't ever want to have a sober conversation Hathor: but I'll see you in the club Sekhmet: girl, chill 😂 Sekhmet: how fine was he that you're all kinds of vexed with me Sekhmet: don't even care how I'm gonna make it up to you, oh my days 🥴🍆🧠 for real Hathor: he's got prospects, I'm not saying any more than that if you're not coming out 👅 Hathor: I'll care how you're gonna make it up when you next show up for real Sekhmet: ugh! living up to your name 🐮 Sekhmet: bitch I'm busy 😏 the juggle is real Hathor: you know I don't say that shit lightly except once in a blue moon, however fine a lad be looking Hathor: but if you don't wanna hear it Sekhmet: is he 🧑🏾🧑🏿 Hathor: 🥛 Hathor: nobody is more surprised than me Sekhmet: 👏🙌 yay Sekhmet: I told you, white boys are the best Sekhmet: they treat us like 👸 Hathor: It's his Irish accent tricking me Hathor: I gotta take a trip back and cure myself Sekhmet: awh, you're homesick, precious Sekhmet: now it makes sense why you wanna tie me down Hathor: can barely understand him he's from so far north, more likely that Sekhmet: throwback 📟 📠 📺 📻 Hathor: get the psych dept to pull their shrink shit on me about it Sekhmet: You wanna be just like Vee, sorted Sekhmet: take my PhD now 💁 Hathor: be more disrespectful! first you stand me up and then put that out there Sekhmet: 🤭 you've got a ways to go, even if you're rolling mad extra today Hathor: I didn't ask 👼🏽💘 to 🎯 me up in the 🍑 Hathor: got my own things I'm busy with Sekhmet: love is magic 💖 Sekhmet: don't be complaining in my inbox when I'm tragically single Hathor: I've been serving and swerving him for long enough I thought I'd succeeded, there's the complaint Sekhmet: 🙄 you can't ❌ feelings bitch Hathor: white boys are a different animal, I ❌ the fear of Sekhmet: 😍😍😍 Hathor: I'm not here to be treated like a 👸🏽 if that's one step away from being called 'exotic' Hathor: there's nothing sexy about a power imbalance Sekhmet: most girls would disagree, babe Sekhmet: why do you wanna be run of the mill every day when we been #blessed with this 🔥 Sekhmet: all black guys wanna chat about is my light-skin privilege and their black man struggles, I can't 🥱 Hathor: fetishization like that ain't foreplay I'm interested in Hathor: 👑 me for other reasons than my melanin Sekhmet: insecurities SNAPPED, I'm sure he likes you for more than your skin, you crazy Hathor: he likes me for how I pour measures rn Sekhmet: racial Sekhmet: that's why everyone likes you 💃💃💃 Hathor: on account of being a poor student not Northern Irish, don't be biting the hand that feeds your blackouts Sekhmet: my white boys always pay Hathor: #blessed innit Sekhmet: 👸😇 tings Hathor: which white boy you with ignoring your deadline then? Sekhmet: whoever it is they've gone to work Sekhmet: but they left a 💳 with their cute note so I know I'm in a good postcode still 🙏 Hathor: so come meet me and spare mine, that's the right thing to do Sekhmet: just 'cos it's good doesn't mean I'm not lost still, damn Sekhmet: hold on and let me get dressed and get my bearings Hathor: if your phone ain't drained I can use it to get your bearings while you serve a look Sekhmet: who doesn't have a charger in their hoe 👜 PLEASE Hathor: you didn't know what day it was, can't blame me for 👶🏽ing Sekhmet: where would I be without you 😘 Sekhmet: mum hasn't phoned me in ages actually, it's so rude Sekhmet: I missed the last few but still Hathor: I hit her with your highlights, creatively Hathor: like how I won't mention a white boy making me feel like a baby 🐮 that can't walk Sekhmet: 😶😶 Sekhmet: dad would 😥 Hathor: and she'll 🙌🏽 harder than you've done Sekhmet: facts are facts Sekhmet: look at her dad, Vee's... Hathor: cliches are tired and stereotypes are damaging Sekhmet: @ your white boy with the 👋 then booboo Sekhmet: I think dad's in town working today, you wanna come for dinner with us? 🥂 Hathor: he's not mine to command in or out 👅 Hathor: yeah 🍾 will help Sekhmet: I'll teach you Hathor: those twin stereotypes are damaging too, like Sekhmet: oh hush, I only tried to 💋 you ONE time and we were like babies and that boy was the first great love of my life Sekhmet: anyway, you're like hot but not my types type these days, you know Hathor: that boy was trash Hathor: you levelled up fast though Sekhmet: awh, don't be rude, I have fond memories Hathor: I have loads of him trying to ask me out at the same time Sekhmet: oh yeah Sekhmet: I forgot that happened Sekhmet: his hair was gorgeous though Hathor: it was Sekhmet: good times Sekhmet: my new guy, not this one, the actual one, looks like old school Leo, I SWEAR Hathor: Yeah? Sekhmet: like Leo and a bit of River and Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions Sekhmet: 🥰🥰🥰 Hathor: love of your life material Sekhmet: definitely Sekhmet: he's a trader in the city and his apartment is 😱😱😱 Hathor: what's the age range this time? Sekhmet: he's only 26, it's mad how successful he is already Hathor: he sounds like the full 🎟 Hathor: any catch? Sekhmet: only technically Hathor: technically he's a 🤖? Sekhmet: ha, he totally has the stamina of one Sekhmet: he can keep up with me, almost 😉 Hathor: 👌🏽 he's perfect Hathor: fucking hell Sekhmet: no need to be jealous when you're 🥰 yourself Sekhmet: what does he look like? Hathor: Tall enough Hathor: more like a 🥊 than a 👼🏻 Sekhmet: you really do wanna do great grandpa Sekhmet: jk, he sounds so you Hathor: he does work for the main brewery that supplies us, maybe I do Hathor: Jesus Christ Sekhmet: 😂😬 processing that Sekhmet: not really though, every boy I've ever dated has been like dad, it's unavoidable tbh 💁 Hathor: in our postcode nobody's trying very hard to be anything else Hathor: 💰💳💎🍾 Sekhmet: why would they? Hathor: they wouldn't and they aren't, it'd be terrifying for any of those boys to step out Sekhmet: 🙄 you aren't going to throw yourself down a ladder when you're at the top, babe Hathor: wouldn't kill them to give other people a hand up though, they just act like it Sekhmet: 🥱 when's your deadline? Hathor: my work's done Sekhmet: then button it, loser Sekhmet: you wanna eat out on this nice rich boy's 💳 Hathor: ETA of 15 on getting to you Hathor: you best 🚿 Sekhmet: way ahead of you 🛀 Sekhmet: door's unlocked, our breakfast will hopefully be on the table when you get here Sekhmet: love ubereats Hathor: 🙌🏽 Sekhmet: you can bring it through, the view in this bathroom is immense Sekhmet: thought getting the driver to bring it to the tub was unlikely Hathor: he probably would but it's unlikely I'd recover from walking in on it Sekhmet: 😘 Sekhmet: do fuck with an asian boy Hathor: you don't know he will be Hathor: might not even be a lad Hathor: but if it is, guarantee they'll send the most unexpected one Sekhmet: it usually is, your stereotypes be damned Hathor: what are you gonna bet? Sekhmet: the Belgian 🧇s Hathor: you're on Sekhmet: sometimes you shock me with how green you are, Hath Hathor: back to putting disrespect on me, what a nice truce while it lasted, like Sekhmet: I mean, you know I can see the driver on my app, babe Sekhmet: no points for guessing where Hassan is from Sekhmet: you can have the 🧇s anyway Hathor: you know I can read your thoughts, the playing field is level Hathor: and anyway I like green, that's my boy's eye colour Sekhmet: been gazing into them longingly across the bar have we🤭 Hathor: maybe Sekhmet: so cute Sekhmet: hope this one doesn't have a fiancee Sekhmet: or a maid who thinks we've broken in Hathor: if he does he better break that eye contact with me Sekhmet: I meant Mr Black Card, don't worry Sekhmet: he's a student, yeah? he won't be Hathor: he's only got a year on us, I don't predict an engagement Sekhmet: yeah, doubt it Hathor: outside of our family people aren't usually that extra Sekhmet: some of the asian internationals are but they usually cheat if their intended ain't here yet so Hathor: Yeah Sekhmet: what even does an engagement mean anyway Sekhmet: not much, right Hathor: a flash 💍 Hathor: what's my course teaching me if I don't know the statistics on how often a wedding follows? Hathor: shows how outdated it is Sekhmet: he gives me that anyway Hathor: I'd take a phone number and be happy with it for now Hathor: but it's probably the party and that whole flex too, right? Sekhmet: the dress Sekhmet: but it's irrelevant if it doesn't happen, like you said Hathor: 🎁🎁 even if it doesn't if people bring them for the engagement as well, but you're not going short of any Sekhmet: right Sekhmet: 😥 if you need a wedding for attention Hathor: Jay's birth mum QUAKING Sekhmet: omg I bet that's EXACTLY what his fiancee is like Hathor: does he ever speak about her? Sekhmet: obviously not Sekhmet: but she must never come up from wherever they're from because I'm like ALWAYS over so Hathor: maybe she doesn't know about this place Hathor: old school Sekhmet: Who knows Sekhmet: can't be my problem Hathor: Yours is the day you've missed, like Hathor: what's the assignment? Sekhmet: design some sportswear line Sekhmet: got to get the sketches in by 5, but all I ordered for me was a shit ton of coffee, it'll be fine Hathor: more productive if I stay or go? Sekhmet: you've already missed your date, you may as well stay Hathor: okay Hathor: am the sportier one Sekhmet: how are you 😂 Hathor: ⚽⛹🏽🚴🏽🥊 Hathor: why dad loves me more than you Sekhmet: now I know you're talking nonsense 😏 Hathor: True, he loves Vee and she never gets off her chaise Sekhmet: and she doesn't even love him back Hathor: poor dad Sekhmet: yeah Hathor: what time's dinner with him? Sekhmet: I'll ask him when he wants to go Hathor: about to come up, so whatever you were planning for Hassan, this is me Sekhmet: regrettably noted

[pointedly-foolish]

[ вut "sєntímєntαl вσч" ís mч nσm dє plumє ]

word count: 1916

pairing: connor/gn!reader

genre: slight fluff; hurt no comfort

summary: it has been a year after the android revolution. humans and android alike settled down, an olive branch was offered as a sign of reconciliation. with newfound peace came along newfound love, and many open roads to choose from. this was no different for the rk800—connor. surprisingly or unsurprisingly, he decided to continue working at the dpd, this time as a bonafide detective. but he has also accepted the thrilling uncertainty of life that deviancy has brought; the same strings that brought his lover in his life.the same ones he hated and cursed, the same fates who ripped it all away.

a/n: everytime i convince myself i came out of my dbh hyperfixation i just look at connor and i become lovesick again.

gosh i know i should be finishing my other fic or work on the prologue script for my vn, but,,,,,,, i just had a sudden hankering for connor angst,,,,

written during a sleep deprivation induced moment of epiphany,,,,, (purple prose cuz im extra af uwu)

I’ve never written angst before so i’d love to hear your thoughts on it

maybe if you asked him one year ago whether he’d consider returning someone’s feelings, romantic feelings, he’d reply to you with a placid smile and a polite « i’m sorry, i wasn’t programmed to reciprocate romantic interest. ». he remembered that he’d sneer at them internally. now thinking about it, long before he questioned his obedience towards her, he already showed signs of deviancy.

you did what you were designed to do.

memories from his past would still torment him erratically, doubts would resurface on particularly dark days. but you were the light that cut through that haze. this wasn’t a “fake deviancy”. it couldn’t have been. not when he is holding your body so close to his, warmth radiating off of each other, two heartbeats—similar, but different—thrumming together. all the softly whispered and adoringly announced « i love you »’s; all the quick and coveted pecks and all the feverish and passionate kisses. no, he was alive, he was sure of it—alive and absolutely enamoured by you. all semblance of doubt ebbed away when you entered his life.

whenever he’s around you, he feels more alive: you make him feel everything, all the little precious things. tenderness and adoration when he shares tranquil mornings with you. he feels more alive when he’s with you, all the little habits and routines too endearing: the sweet post-it notes scattered over your shared flat; scribbled upon it are encouraging words or sweet nothings. conflicting work schedules meant that moments spent together were scarce, but that made them even more valuable and coveted. captivation, was another emotion that he felt around you. your mannerism, your dreams and interests, your physical attributes and quality of voice. logically speaking, you were just another human, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. you’d live and then one day, you’d die. as if you never really existed. but he wasn’t being logical. how could he be? when you were right there in front of him? you made him irrational, and he found that new aspect in life thrilling. confusing at first, but exciting. he was eternally grateful that you let him experience all these beautiful emotions with you. he was grateful that you allowed him in your short journey that you called life.

he was happy, absolutely content, with his shared life with you. you were both in perfect places in your respective lives: you both had a stable job, loving family backing you up, and a fulfilling love life. what seemed to be a mismatched couple at first turned to be 2 pieces of the same puzzle finally finding their place. life for the both of you couldn’t be better.

but along with the many exquisite moment that your romantic endeavours brought you, the android didn’t only taste the sweet delicacies of life; no matter how idyllic a moment may be, there were times when he had to taste the astringent and sour desserts life offered.

anger. that was an emotion that he felt. but that’s not accurate, no… it was frustration and shock and betrayal, all the unsavoury feelings in the world. perhaps it was due to his inexperience, maybe his lack of exposure to these negative sentiments, that caused him to snap the way he did. to hurt you the way he did. but it happened and there was no turning back the clock.

no matter how much he begged and cried for it.

he was proud that you got the job offer in canada, he really was. and he, like any other caring boyfriend would, offered to accompany you there, an offer which you gladly accepted. that was the plan. but plans were difficult to follow. crime waits for no man, working for the law meant that connor must always be available for duty. no excuses, he was an android. but connor wasn’t just a simple android detective, no, he had a much more important role: he was the link, the messenger, between jericho and the police force. he was the crucial communication between the two forces. so when jericho contacted him about threats of anti-android attacks, he had to make an appearance at their base. the meeting coincided with the day you were meant to travel to canada. it was a simple trip really. it only took a few hours by train, stay in canada for 2 days (it was the weekend), and then return back to detroit, probably arriving in the late afternoons to their home.

but you were looking forwards to traveling with your wonderful partner after « [we] spent so much time apart ». the day he told you the urgent change of plans, connor was tired, overwhelmed. you were frustrated and expectant. a fight was bound to have erupted. accusatory statements, along the lines of: « you don’t actually care about me! it’s all about work and work and work! » and « i can’t believe how selfish you’re being right now! » in between shouting and yelling and frustration and anger and contempt–

you both went to bed exhausted but spiteful, still not forgiving each other. in hindsight, he felt so utterly pathetic, so unbelievably childish, for being that cruel, and uncaring. he didn’t want to be like him again. so many glares and insults were thrown at each other, tears threatened to spill, LED flashed and shone a true red, doors were slammed. he felt awful, plain and simple. you both lied in the same bed, under the same cover. so close yet so excruciatingly far apart. back facing the other’s, no one said a word.

you woke up before him. bitter and unhappy. no morning kisses, no whispered « i love you » to wake your other half. you wordlessly got yourself ready, grabbed your bag and quietly snuck out. no post it notes were left. no sweet promises or encouraging words. you could do this work trip without him. you were independent. you didn’t need a tin can to chaperone you everywhere. so you left. plain and simple. gone. since you woke up and left earlier than planned, you boarded an earlier train. how lovely and convenient. the carriages were mostly filled with androids. perhaps they were trying to immigrate to canada like the others. who knows. you paid no mind and absentmindedly scrolled through your phone, obsessively checking your messages to see if connor realised. to see if he apologised. because frankly, at that point you were tired of being mad and just wanted to spend the day in his arms. but prideful and petty as you were, you weren’t willing to apologise and admit your mistakes first.

connor roused from stasis a few moments afterward, less bitter and more regretful. he wished to right his wrongs but the normally warm presence beside him was not there. his system was slowly booting back up when his audio sensor picked up an incessant ringing from the living room. he jolted up and rushed out to pick up the ringing phone call and waited for the other side to speak up.

the room was so utterly quiet, a silence so suffocating engulfed the room, that you could hear a pin drop. the voice on the other side asked whether this was indeed your house and that he was indeed connor anderson. he swallowed dryly and answered with a soft, « yes ». running a quick check in his database, he matches the caller’s voice with a certain nathaniel edwards. first responder. he allowed his HUD to display the news. if androids could get pale, have all their blood drain from their faces, his would have certainly done so. he stood, rigid and motionless, consumed by shock and horror.

the news and the first responder’s words blended into one as he gripped the phone tighter: « this morning, at 7:48 am the train from detroit to toronto was caught in a devastating turn of events: the train soon caught in fire and exploded as it made its way over the border. it has been confirmed that there has been 0 survivors. it is unclear whether this was an unfortunate accident or the result of anti-android terrorism. »

the other person’s voice poured through the speaker but he wasn’t listening. he stared blankly in front of him. no way, he thought, it couldn’t have been… the only sign that the android was registering the other man’s input was the now constant red LED.

« sir? sir. i’m sorry to bring this— – no, this isn’t right… you must have the wrong number, he interrupted. there were probably others with your name… maybe they were mistaken... – sir that’s not possible, w— – you must have gotten the wrong house… not… it-it couldn’t have been…» but he knew how improbable it was that they got the wrong number. he was built to be logical, to believe statistics. the statistics told him you were dead. long gone. he hoped and prayed that you stayed back, didn’t get on the earlier train. the statistics told him you did.

he choked out a response, quiet and defeated. you were gone. he’d never get to see you again. « i… i’m sorry… i-i don’t understand… – we tried our best to find them sir, but… the fire was too severe… if we gain any new developm— – you didn’t save them. »

still in a daze, he must have hung up on the poor man and unceremoniously dropped the phone. its clatter the only sound in this deafening silence. the reality of it all comes crashing through and he collapsed, ugly sobs escaping him as the denial faded away to make way for the pure and unfiltered grief. he felt lost. for the first time in a long while since amanda he felt so utterly and completely lost. no more shining beacon during his dark and stormy nights. no more valued affection and coveted kisses. no more notes and no more smile to come home to.

he laughed bitterly, devoid of any humour. it was funny, just how cruel the fates were: made human life so fleeting. lachesis only gave them such a short eternity. and when he thought you both found your missing halves, bound to another by an invisible string, atropos cuts it. a small snippet that is so easily ripped away from you. he belonged with you, he felt at peace with you. he was able to be what he struggled to be for the majority of his miserable and artificial existence. with you, he was able to be happy.

but now he’ll have to get used to not coming home to a warm embrace. he’ll have to get used to going into stasis alone, in the cold bed. he’ll have to get used to his aching heart being greeted by an empty house. every cold and lonely nights. it’s ridiculous how human he felt because of you. and he was both thankful and spiteful for it.

sadness and bitter regret ripped through him when he remembered that he didn’t share goodbyes before he left. he remembered how he couldn’t have apologised to you and tenderly held you. he regretted not being able to tell you how much he loved you and how much you meant to him for the last time. ra9 only knows the things he’d do and the things he’d sacrifice, just to have you in his arms again.

instead he was faced with the bitter reminder that the last thing he’s ever said to you, your last memory of him, was a contemptuous and scornful « i wished i never met you ».

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