#im just so extremely depressed and anxious about all of it absolutely all of it

[theskyexists]

I am falling apart

[yongseungkim]

.

[my-own-walker]

Hi :) I came with a request for Tate’s headcannon when the reader is depressed! Like your Peter and Kyle ones) you’re sooo good at this 🤍 thank you from all the depressed readers 🤍

How Tate Is When Reader Is Upset - Headcanons

note: im gonna try to get as much done as possible today! it’s hard to find time to write lol. Thank you for the request darling.

+++

The thing is, we know Tate is an extremely traumatized and emotional individual.

When you’re depressed, odds are he is too. I mean literally dude is trapped in eternal purgatory being spoken to by the devil or whatever

But that doesn’t stop him from being an absolute sweetheart when you’re upset.

He’s been there. He’s surprisingly good at empathy. Especially when it comes to you.

He totally gets it when you start feeling numb and unable to get out of bed. He will crawl in with you and cuddle with you for as long as you need.

Your tears make him cry. He hates to see you sad.

Like he will actually start crying slightly when you cry. He just feels so deeply and totally gets your pain.

When you’re anxious and experiencing anxiety attacks or anything of the sort he’s a very good grounding force.

He will talk to you for hours about your feelings.

When you’re actively panicking, he tends to hold your hands, look you in the eyes, and count with you. If that doesn’t work he will try the five senses grounding trick (he learned it online after you showed him how to use google)

As in, five things you see, four things you can touch, etc.

He’s already dead, so he doesn’t have very many needs, which means he will take all the time you need to make you feel better.

He can’t leave the house, obviously, but he will try his best to get you things that comfort you.

The main thing that comforts you, though, is him.

He’s a cradler. As in he will hold you like a baby. When you’re super sad, he wraps you up, acting as a human blanket.

Once you’re feeling a bit better, he tries to distract you from what’s upsetting you by playing card games with you or helping you explore the house.

He’s extremely patient. Even if it takes you days to feel better. He will help you clean your room, get you water, etc.

[marcyclone]

new hc + ships post bc my old one was long and unorganised

im going to be organising them by fandom so you can pick out the ones you actually care about and adding more on as i inevitably get into more musicals and i’ll try to keep it shorter than last time for each category ok go:

Ride the Cyclone🎢

ships:

SPACERAPS!! perfectsugardolls (separate or poly), nischa, oscha kinda cute ngl wiggles my eyebrows at it, lambcest

head(lol)canons:

(Per character)

Ocean: trans (masc or fem depending on my mood), undiagnosed mental disability, parents are abusive, developed anorexia because there’s never any food at her house. loves animals, becomes stressed if she feels like she doesn’t have control over her surroundings, can’t cook because no one taught her how, scratches her arms habitually, has abundant arm hair regardless of agab

Noel: views ocean as a little sister, insults people to show affection, his mother is an alcoholic and extremely homophobic and has intentionally frightened him with threats of aids if he does as much as kiss another man. picks at his cuticles a lot, also doesn’t know how to cook but is trying to self teach so he can provide for ocean

Mischa: talia is wicked abusive, his parents prefer not to even see him, he essentially vaporises the thought of potentially being bisexual before it even crosses his mind. the more hats he’s wearing at once, the more hyper he is. forward facing hat means trouble.

Penny: autistic, doesn’t think even once before speaking, says things that are usually rude or out of pocket or straight up disturbing and morally reprehensible without even thinking, has a slew of fucked up sexual fantasies due to her exposure to similar things in the commune, self harms to control her restlessness and less to cope with depression, DOES know how to cook

Ricky: pansexual, hyper, teases and makes snarky comments to show affection, gets snippy with ocean too easily, very sexual person in general, craves and requires physical affection, becomes absolutely overjoyed when anyone includes him in anything

Constance: allergic to cats, lesbian but refuses to label herself because she thinks lesbian is a bad word, burns herself on the café kitchen appliances, lips are often swollen due to biting, has gotten a lot quieter and more reserved over time since ocean made the choir

Heathers❤️💛💚💙

Ships:

JDronica, chansaw, mac x Veronica, mac x duke (if you think im going to write the actual ship names with my own two thumbs you’re wrong), Kurt x ram??? kum???

Headcanons:

Veronica: sits really weird, every time she sits on a wide seat like her bed or a sofa she sits butterfly legged with the soles of her feet pressed together, started saying ‘very’ ironically to mock chandler and it ended up becoming part of her vocabulary, has an affection for reptiles, wants a monitor lizard desperately, throws things when she’s upset, likes to hear things make loud noises

Chandler: only actually likes veronica, really she just tolérâtes her, low-key admires Veronica because Veronica is a senior, there’s no motive for her personality she just is actually an asshole, needs to be in control and if she isn’t she freaks the fuck out, ‘tried out’ bulimia too because she was honestly jealous of dukes figure, now has a vomit kink

Mac: transfem, is technically above duke in the pecking order but acts like she’s at the bottom, cuts her ankles only and picks her skin off all over her body, tends to get anxious when she feels literally any extreme emotion, terrified of chandler and would probably be a really funny person to be around if she wasn’t trapped under chandlers thumb, lets duke spend time with her bird

Duke: constantly jealous of everyone around her, miserable home life, abusive parents AND brother, wants to have pets but her parents won’t let her, vents to Tweety to the point he has become her personal therapist and she will literally break into Mac’s bedroom just to talk to him, likes to draw but no one cares or shows interest so she doesn’t do it even though she’s really good at it

JD: he’s literally just insane, dad is orin scrivello (joking… kind of; he is in spirit), works out excessively to the point he overexhausts his body, really likes winter, likes ice in general, his pet hamster is named Pringle and is the only reason he stays on this god forsaken planet, id give him a sexuality but honestly he just likes anyone he can abuse and take control over, consent? who’s that?

Mean Girls🔥📔

Ships:

Regina x Gretchen, Janis x Kevin is low-key cute af, Cady x Gretchen, Karen x Seth (JOKING)

Headcanons:

Regina: has a bit of repressed homosexuality at any given time but it doesn’t affect her too much, actual hypersexual but in the unhealthy way, physically, sexually and mentally abusive and manipulative towards Gretchen specifically, actually enjoys being insulted and degraded, genuinely loves animals

Gretchen: will put up with anything from Regina as long as she gets praise from her, very easily manipulated, "straight" but will fold for anyone with authority over her, acts sexual to fit in with Regina but doesn’t really like sex in general, will literally be raped by whoever is in charge of her and thank them afterwards

Karen: is actually just having fun, has no idea how she got in the clique, she’s just being silly, no clue where she is most of the time, likes dogs, she’s a pretty sexual person but she switches between owning it and being embarrassed of if, confident in her abilities to do anything which actually makes her really great at picking up new hobbies

Cady: observing animals has given her an insatiable desire to lead a pack, really likes monkeys, very autistic, makes jokes that no one fucking understands because she sounds like this🤓, is also abusive to Gretchen when she’s in charge of her but a lot less than Regina (she doesn’t rape her is basically the only difference)

[weebsinstash]

Crazy, absolutely insane how the people being replaced by robots thing is starting to actually happen. Writers, artists, translators... Something seen in science fiction media and talked about for ages is becoming a reality is freaking terrifying. Holy shit. I used to brush this type of thing off as some futuristic fiction trope, but the fact the artist AI is already damaging real artists does not feel real. Robot apocalypse might be a possibility. Wild.

Not to sound like a boomer but like yeah basically. ai making concept art, ai music, ai art making nfts, ai writing, actors acting in front of a greenscreen completely alone for their entire movie never even told the context of the scenes or even what movies they're going in, people still arguing that "real jobs" are a thing and advocate for millions being replaced by automation, all the while the excessive environmental damage, the waste, the overproduction, the consumerism, the new release of the exact same shit next year but only minor tweaking so the patent is fresh, price gouging, just

it's hard for me to not be constantly depressed in general, I'm really just constantly getting stoned and using escapism and some probably definitely maladaptive daydreaming to cope. I like to think I've written novels and novels mentally but I guess there's just a persistent air of, hopelessness that I feel isn't just in my life but im my environment and community and just, all of us as a whole that kind of sucks out my motivation from doing anything that takes mild effort.

Like I know I'm kind of jumping from ai art to societal issues/corporate greed but like for example, i reconnected recently with a friend i used to know online like 10 years ago and he basically reached out because, covid was hell and he had some people die and a lot of people are anxious and lonely right now, and we are both those people so, he invited me to come visit. And something that happened to him is that he used to paint and he loved painting and one day at his job, his shithead bastard boss built his own scaffolding to stand on and it collapsed, and a bar swung out and hit my friend in the elbow and gave him permanant nerve damage in his arm and hand and he now has extremely limited use of that limb, period, can no longer paint, even holding his fingers in such a way is painful

It just breaks me. It breaks me how so many of us feel so trapped and unhappy and how when some of us finally achieve some sort of happiness, someone with more power ruins it. Other people just damaging your life, your dreams, gone, and you didn't even do anything, it wasn't even in your control. I dunno. I am a diagnosed doom and gloomer but I guess ever since I was a really young I always felt like people were treated so replaceable and disposable and now I'm an adult and it just kind of chills me that holy shit if I picked up on that as a 1996 baby how hopeless does the current young generation feel. Like I could write paragraphs like some manic crackhead about how worried about shit I am lmao 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[aroacemarie]

peeked in the 'asocial' tag and it seems theres like. 10 million different definitions of it being used in various communities? so i feel like having used the term just now i wanna clarify what *I* mean by it

im gonna pop this under a read more bc its a long one.

im NOT using it as an ace/aro microlabel (not judging those who do tho). i dont consider it a part of my sexuality/orientation/lgbtq identity. its more of just a personality thing?

im also not schizoid, to my knowledge. im sure i have traits of it? or maybe my understanding of it is wrong? i just know i went through a brief stretch where my being asocial meant i was schizoid, but upon more thoroughly researching the symptoms of schizoid personality disorder i determined it did not apply to me.

its also unrelated to social anxiety. i DO have social anxiety disorder, but my being asocial isnt a fear-related trait. basically while social interaction/the anticipation of social interaction can trigger an anxious response in me, i dont have a strong Drive to be social in the first place.

its also why i consider my asocial trait as being different from being an introvert. its kinda like introversion on steroids. introverts still seem to have a need to interact, whereas loneliness is genuinely a foreign concept to me.

i also dont consider it a symptom of my depression... mostly. yes, withdrawing from social interaction is a bigtime depression, its more of a withdrawal in that context than an general inclination. when im withdrawn bc of a major-depressive episode, it is characterized by hurt and an overwhelming sense of dread/hopelessness. when its just my day to day default state, however, it has a peaceful, content quality.

so to describe it by what it IS instead of what it ISNT:

-i describe my being asocial as an extreme lack of a drive to be social. i dont really feel the need to seek out interaction, and while i still absolutely DO interact with the people i like, i tend to be abnormally unlikely to reach out.

-being alone makes me feel content, not lonely. it feels like sitting by the window on a cold day, wrapped in a warm blanket and sipping a warm drink, peacefully watching the leaves float by delicately on a gentle breeze, the with soothing voice of the wind whispering to you a comforting hush.

-i love my friends deeply. even when i dont interact with a friend for an extended period of time, i still think of them with a deep fondness. i picture their smiles, the way they make me laugh, the way their eyes sparkle with excitement when they talk about their interests. i feel a deep warmth in my heart, and reflect on how much i cherish them, even though i dont feel inclined to reach out and chat with them at that moment. i can still miss them too, even if im not necessarily doing anytying to fix it! (for the record, hazel if youre reading this i was thinking about you as i typed this section, ahaha 💚)

-i get exhausted and overstimulated by conversation easily, even when im speaking to someone i love about one of my favorite topics. its pretty common of me to tap out of conversations or "leave you on read" for hours simply because i exhausted myself. that being said, i DO love to have deep, meaningful conversations!

-i dont find talkative friends to be "annoying" or a burden. quite the contrary; im flattered they like me enough to invest their time and energy into speaking with me! i just have low stamina.

-its kind of like when youre doing your favorite hobby or playing your favorite game but youve been at it too long and youre too wiped to continue. thats how i feel about talking to the people i like, but my stamina might only last a minute or two before im metaphorically "out of breath"

-i dont hate people. in fact? i LOVE people. i look upon all the humans out there, living unique lives and unique experiences, and i feel a sense of childlike wonder. i think of how fascinating their perspective of the world is; their core beliefs and how they developed, the things that bring them joy that would seem strange to me, the things they know that i simply do not. but i dont really want to necessarily have a conversation with them. i prefer being an observer, reading the thoughts they share in public forums (like tumblr and twitter). humans are so fascinating. i just wanna watch you for hours like youre in a little terrarium!

-im told im great with people, and honestly i make friends very easily! not to say im never awkward or am immune to social fuckups! but im empathetic and am told have a high emotional intelligence and tend to make people feel at ease. im really tactful and great at defusing conflict (my favorite quote was in college when a friend told me "you could literally tell somebody to go fuck themselves without offending them." love it, ahaha). the thing is... i dont WANT to make friends. ive got everyone i need already, yknow? my Friendship Inventory is full.

im also gonna acknowledge that my asocial nature is very likely linked to trauma. i do have CPSTD from abuse that spanned the entirety of my childhood, from my earliest memories all the way into my mid-late teens. alone felt Safe, and it still does. but its not a Disorder; it does not cause me distress or impede my ability to "function." god knows ive got plenty of disorders/symptoms that DO. but being asocial is not one of them.

anyway, i hope this helps people understand me a bit better. im always worried that im a Bad Friend (being in a 6 year abusive friendship w someone who constantly called me that didnt help) for not reaching out to people/checking on my friends more. its just... a Thing. ive accepted that its not something i can change about myself, and i acknowledge that means im just not compatible with certain people, to no fault of their own. and thats fine! im not gonna be insulted or like you any less just because we arent the kind of people who could have a closer relationship in a healthy way. some folks just dont vibe w each other!

to any of my friends (and acquaintances! we dont need to be close!) reading this, i love you! i mean that, and i hope reading this helps you understand that i truly do, even if im bad at showing it.

stay frosty ✌

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw implied abuse and cheating mention

looking for reassurance and validation and some way to cope with guilt. this is ok to post for followers. a few of my asks have been answered before but namelessly. my name is nettie

I feel guilty that my ex is depressed while I'm doing well for myself now. I have c-ptsd but it's been very manageable in the past two months and I've been happy but I've heard from mutual friends that my ex isn't doing well for themself and is extremely depressed. I have no urge to reach out I just feel really bad that theyre suffering and I'm not. I feel like it should be the other way around and it makes me think that maybe what happened between us wasn't as bad for me as I thought it was. It took ages of self improvement and therapy to get to where I am now but I'm a functional member of society and in a happy relationship while all I hear about them is that they're really struggling. theyre financially fine and in a relationship with someone they (most likely) cheated on me with but theyre still majorly depressed like they were when we were together. they blamed a lot of their depression and anxiety on me and said a lot of hurtful things to me and now im terrified that theyre still feeling that and ive deluded myself into thinking im a victim when im really just a bad person. I've been known to struggle with reality (my therapist and friends believe that I was gaslit and manipulated but I can't remember much of the relationship for whatever reason) so now I'm not sure what's true or not. I don't want to hurt them, I never did and Ive tried everything in my power to make their life easier but it was/is never enough to make them feel better. I feel like I deserve to be punished, somehow. my boyfriend is upset for me because he despises my ex (my bf and I were friends when my ex and I were together; bf and ex never formally met, bf just had a crush on me and thought my ex sounded like an ass and then obviously when i found out I have ptsd he started outright hating them) and he's absolutely adamant that my ex was depressed before-during-and after our time together and I had no influence on that because they are "insistent on wallowing in their own misery and attempting to drag anyone who gets too close down with them". I feel like that's a bit harsh but I thought maybe his thoughts would provide an opposing pov for an outsider in this situation? I dont know. I'm really upset and that familiar "I don't deserve to be happy" feeling is coming up again.

Hi nettie,

I'm sorry about what you've been going through.

It sounds like your ex is blaming things on you which you have no responsibility for. It sounds like you haven't given him any reason to be anxious and depressed, and in fact you went above and beyond to make sure it wouldn't blossom. Perhaps the gaslighting and manipulation you faced may be influencing your impostor syndrome, that you deserve to be punished without any clear evidence as to why.

You don't owe anything to your ex. I think he's making it sound like you do in order to string you back in - my abuser did that by pretending to be sick in multiple ways and blaming it on me, as if asking me to return to his side and tend to him. That's the trap.

You've been through a lot. Why not allow yourself happiness as a reward?

-Bun

[she-waves-at-cats]

So I relate to absolutely everything in yr "quiet and hardworking" post, except the quiet part cos i talk more the more anxious i am but that's besides the point. What I am interested in is the reading eyebrow twitches because mine twitch A LOT and go all over the place without my awareness. Even if i try to, and feel like, im keeping my face as still as possible. I hate it and it makes me even more nervous cos nobody elses does. I am not diagnosed autistic, if anything i have the opposite problem of reading facial expressions [reading them "too well"/too much into them] but the ADHD doctor diagnosed me with ADHD after about 5 minutes cos he said he could tell by "how alive my face was". It makes me very nervous that my face is doing much more than other people's and Ive gotten paranoid that's why people dont seem to like me. Cos my face is saying things im not aware of and that might be interpreted completely wrong. It feels like yr supposed to have a blasé pokerface and I have the face of a meth addict. Naturally.[I'm not medicated for ADHD]

So im curious as to what you read from people's eyebrows? Do you prefer people with "talking eyebrows" & a face that's alive or does it make you nervous? How do you feel about greyhounds an other dogs with that type of eyebrows?

In short, facial activity (or neurotype) doesn't matter as much as whether your expressions match your true feelings. Some people just don't understand the ways and reasons we express ourselves and if you fight your expressions, that reads as false. This will turn away those who might want to be your friends. But then there are people and situations where we just don't fit in no matter how hard we try, and for those occasions i think it's good to mask. I'm biased here because a poker face is easy for me. Easier than "toning down". But being permanently masked is a miserable life. You don't get rejected but you don't get to experience anything good.

Hey, thanks for asking and helping me think about this. From here on out, it's a stream of consciousness. It's a long post, but you can take heart in knowing that I deleted most of my first draft.

First of all, I think it needs to be said that I haven't been diagnosed with autism or adhd, but at 35 I don't need to be. I've had enough of talking to psychiatrists in my 20s, getting traumatised by them and labeled with mental illnesses that didn't fit me on the basis of my masked behaviour in an artificial situation. Once I allowed myself to accept autism as the cause for my lifelong struggle, it all just fell into place. I was instantly healed of depression, for one.

I wish I was that sort of autistic who doesn't notice and doesn't care about social stuff. Life would be so much more manageable. Alas, I crave friendship and love. In an autistic way. Being loved is my special interest.

The eyebrow twitch was a metaphor mostly. It's about being consciously on the lookout for signs someone's tired or unhappy with me. I think we have the same problem of reading too much into other people's expressions, but it's the right thing to do if you don't want to risk being excluded.

Of course it's all part of a larger picture: what they say, how they phrase it, how they have acted around me historically etc. A single eyebrow movement is nothing, but on a person who has expressed contempt of me before, it's the first sign they're about to say something nasty. Maybe I can stop them if I stop speaking now.

Outside of my close friend circle, people rarely give status updates like "i liked when you did x earlier", "I'm tired of this topic, let's talk about my interest now", or even "I like you". You're supposed to just figure it out from small clues, and if you fail, you suffer consequences. In my experience.

What type of face I prefer? It depends. My two best friends have extremely lively faces, 100 expressions a minute. My husband is not very expressive unless he's actively laughing at a joke. None of these people try to force or fake expressions that don't fit their emotional state. When they emote at me, they are just being themselves, not trying to get me to do something or become something through subtle pressure. They are welcome to look me in the eye because they look with love and acceptance. All these people are great at asking rather than assuming things. And when I tell them something that is true about me, they believe my words.

My own face? I don't know. I think I've always appeared mostly sad and bland. I taught myself to express appropriate emotions, so much that people accepted me even if they instinctively didn't trust me. Now I know for most of my life I was deeply unhappy, so my true expression would've been a scream. Now that I'm no longer depressed, the amount of joy i take in simple things… makes me mask my expressions as well. Grinning like a maniac at a flower or bird or a chain of associations in my mind wouldn't get me any friends either.

I've always preferred to just not be watched. Keep my joys and sorrows private inside my mind or at least inside my house.

I also don't mind looking at faces per se, except when people look straight back at me. When they're busy doing something and telling me about it, or talking to others, I enjoy watching their expressions. It freaks me out when a film character breaks the fourth wall, but I'll allow that if it's really funny. I like looking at photos of others and myself where we're living our lives rather than posing, because faces just look nicer when the eyes are not pointed straight at me.

It's funny you ask about dogs. Being around a dog can be really tiring because they make me feel so observed. I can see the dog making judgements about me, deciding how to react to my words and actions. Their constant alertness to humans makes me self-conscious. The way they mirror expressions is unsettling. It's hard to believe that a creature can genuinely always want to be together and do what i ask it to.

Multiple dogs watching my every move? That would be just like retail. I'm not putting myself through that for less than fair minimum wage.

It's easier to relate to less social animals. Fish, birds, snails even. You don't feel judged by a snail. My cat is easy to care for, because he is very clear about what he wants when he wants something, letting me know with sounds, eye contact and movements, but when he doesn't need me, he does his own thing. We are aware of each other but with no demands.

This is also true about the people who are easiest to interact with. We parallel-play in the same room, text each other our random thoughts rather than demand instant attention. We talk without necessarily looking at each other.

I appreciate not being drawn into a game of just emoting at each other for no external reason, but if someone wants to share something big with me, or ask me for something I can give them, I'm there for them. If a year or two have passed since we last talked, that makes no difference. And if their face is easy to read, that's just a bonus.

[negative-citadel]

Omg. I wasn't expecting to be tagged, but I'm so honored. <3

5 Things that make me happy?

I'm gonna sound really basic and I'm sorry I think I've copied a lot of people...but here it goes LOL

Rollercoasters & Theme Parks in General

What can I say? I love operating rides, I love riding them, I love researching & figuring out how & why they do what they do. I'm a massive safety enthusiast and I LOVE seeing rides in motion. I love operating them the most but I LOVE riding them. I must sound like a dumb thoosie but... I am LOL. I love every aspect, the history - the sounds of the chainlift & safety dog going CLANK CLANK CLANK, seeing my (younger) riders experience their first rollercoaster... ALL OF IT. I love every second I'm in an amusement park. Even on the worst, most busy days - there's always something so comforting about being around these beautiful structures built for amusement. <3 I probably sound so dumb rn lol

2. Cars

I'm a basic man, okay? I love my old Japanese cars. I fell in love with my first car (a 99 Subaru Legacy) and I've been madly crazy in love for older vehicles since. I love working in auto paint. I love explaining to people how auto body repair works. I love listening to my Forester's engine purr when I press the gas pedal. I love the loud, obnoxious Subaru WRX's & Civic's I see running down the road. LIL OLD MIATAS WITH FLIP UP LIGHTS STEAL MY HEART. Literally any car with flip up lights, oml.

THIS IS BASICALLY A REPEAT OF #1 BUT I AM A SIMPLETON, IM SORRY.

3. Fanfiction & Fandoms (ty DBH fandom)

I LOVE writing. I am too shy to post my stuff here but if you are interested in my GARBAGE writing - my ao3 is the same username. When I'm anxious - I write and usually feel better. Depressed? PACKAGE THEM EMOTIONS INTO A DUMB FIC & SHIP IT! I'll always feel much better once I see the amazing & sweet comments the DBH fandom leaves on my fics. I've been in a lot of fandoms throughout the years, but I am SOOOO grateful for this one. Ya'll are so sweet and I wish I wasn't so shy so I could make some friends lol. Every morning, I check my email for comments and kudos and it makes me psychically jump with joy to see people actually like my content.

4. Animals! (Mostly Dogs, but I love all animals)

Who doesn't love pets? I rescued a lil mutt named Lily and she is my ENTIRE WORLD aside from Barney (my car lmao). I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY HEART. She's silly, adorable... And most importantly - her favorite hobby is to sleep and cuddle. <3 Before Lily, I did not get much exercise but this dog motivates me to take 3 walks per day. :) I just love doggies in general, but I love, love, love Lily with my entire heart.

5. My Amazing Friends Online!

I admittedly don't have friends irl. SO. I'm extremely grateful for all the amazing people I have met online. <3 You guys are the absolute best. I love to hear what my friends are up to. I love to play games together. It's just a great time altogether.

-

I don't wanna bother too many people with tags... SO sorry to put you on the spot, but @woffpls - I'd love to hear 5 things that make you happy.

When you get this respond with five things that make you happy!!! Then send to the last ten people you got notifications from :)

aww i love this babe =] you're gonna get it right back cuz you're in my notifs 👀

My dog, she is such a sweetie, and although she is V V independant, she knows just when I need her and comes for a cuddle

my friends on tumblr :) seriously I look forward to talking to y'all every day. you have added so much joy and love to my life

Creating! whether that's writing or making upcycled crafts/art I just love being able to get messy and express :D

4. My fandoms/hyperfixations. Seriously I'm obsessed with tv/movies/comics/video games and the communities attached to them. its really cool to be able to exist in a time where we can all come together and scream about out blorbos and make a bunch of art/additions to the fandom to make it ours as much as it is the creators.

5. My found family. My partner, and our collection of fellow depressed, adhd/autistic queers has been crucial to not only my development but my survival <3 its been a very strange existence

@sweeteatercat @kittywolves @malware-wolf @heiko-goes-detroit @treeffles @a-book-of-lost-things @winter-seabass @tentoriumcerebelli @destroya2005 @pushbuttonkitty

[figula]

i do feel quite low atm + cried on ben about it for a while earlier

he had to request that i talked about it again and im continually frustrated by myself for forcing a distance that doesnt need to be there - like literally what is the purpose? he has to ask me all the time to not write my problems on tumblr INSTEAD OF talking to him about them irl. and i just find it so fucking hard to talk irl?! :/ i guess the solution is not to just refuse to do things that are hard for me tho (as usual) so i did talk to him about it

im continually stressed / triggered i suppose by this bullshit w/ my sister and the knowledge we’re going back to my parents for christmas has compounded that a lot bc im terrified of my mum commenting on my body, and im terrified of being compared to my extremely thin sister, and i have been weighing myself 2x a day to check that the number is going down rather than up. i did tell ben this and he was immediately in favour of throwing the scales out but i feel that id be more anxious if i didnt know the number. i know how this all sounds, and it sounds like that bc that’s how it is. it’s already a deeply sad + unhealthy mindset to be in, but i don’t know how to get out of it. i’m fine + eating normally, but im sad that i’m doing this again. (by ‘this’ i mean weighing myself in the morning and evening + thinking constantly about my weight + body) and ashamed :(

also as ive mentioned i feel very battered by the relationship OCD + the gay thoughts OCD (lol irl at that phrase but like... it’s what it is) and i spent a while last night doing absolutely stupid shit in response - like reading all these articles about comphet, measuring my index and ring finger WITH A RULER bc of that study that suggested lesbians are more likely to have a longer ring finger than index finger. and just like being totally batshit about it. ben asked for a list of thoughts but going into detail about that specifically just felt Not Doable so ill probably do my usual thing of writing him an email about it lol. im not a fucking lesbian holy shit! the absolute irrationality!!! i did also do some googling + found a number of bisexual women in a similar thought spiral which was quite interesting - the same kind of shit - terrified of being a victim of comphet, terrified of their relationship not being ‘valid’, terrified of not being ‘true to themselves’. i guess i have to wonder how many of them actually have gay thoughts OCD and how many of them genuinely are victims of comphet bc i do bet it’s a non-zero number. however that’s not a very helpful thought for me specifically lol

plus this latest chess bullshit is also just like depressing me to my core bc i have to spend a significant portion of my online life in a group w/ people who like even if previously i thought they had my back they clearly fucking dont. i do think some of them do, but i thought the mod i talked about yesterday did as well so like fucking hell maybe none of them actually do :| and that’s a really desperately sad thought to have when i do despite my understanding of the situation desperately want to be around to help improve the chess situation wrt women. its just fucking sad and too depressing to even think too much about

anyway. i daresay this is kind of all due to the shit about my sister at its core bc i feel like i was fine before that all kicked off. i am gonna think of another diorama to complete bc i always feel much much happier when im working on an art project + i havent been doing one since i finished the last one, and i think i’ll feel much better once i start up something else. other than that: i dunno, just gonna keep keeping on

[qvackjack]

as much as klonopin helps. you Should Not take it every day bc you will become extremely reliant on it (a withdrawal symptom is major depressive episodes). ive been on klonopin for i wanna say five years now? and it's helpful but if you can avoid becoming reliant on it, you absolutely should. my source for this is that I am reliant on it and even two days without it messes me up sooooo bad it's not even funny </3 im glad you found a medicine that helps you, just remember to be careful with it /gen

not to worry, its only for emergencies. my psych said only to take it if I was on the verge of a panic attack or about to experience a very stressful event. I was given 10 pills to cut in half, and I've only taken four since april, two because I was in severe pain and panicking would have made that pain worse for me. (I am no longer in pain, I was just sick.) Typically if I feel a bit of anxiety coming through that im not working through very well I take low dose of Hydroxyzine as a kind of 'supplementary' thing. these days im not typically needing to that either, whereas this time last year I was taking 50mgs of it three times a day and STILL feeling anxious.

I genuinely appreciate you reaching out to me about this though, and Im sorry you ended up reliant on it. If it eases your mind at all, My psychiatrist was VERY clear on the dangers and im only taking .25 on the rare occasions I DO take it. also I tell my mother every time I take one, so that if I start taking it too often she can always let me know and we can work on it together.

[night-dragon937]

Sorry i accidently Unfollowed trying to hit the ask button: Im a little anxious about this but, I want to know how best to refer to you/yall? I know, the basics of DID and im sorry if this just, comes off as wrong/bad, but im, assuming that DID is specific to each system (I think im using that term right? im sorry if im not) and i just want to know how best to, like. avoid making you feel bad/wrong? (like, im anxious about referring to you as, you or do i need to refer to you as, like. them? or yall?, because i think all of you is valid and great and deserves respect? individually and as a whole?) and i saw the post where like, people think the Host (I am so sorry if i am messing up these terms) is more valid then the others, and that made me sad because, I think everyone is valid? and its like, i dont want to refer to you as the wrong thing (eg: a singular person, incase that strips away the importance of being known?, or as multiple, incase that invalidates?) like, im sorry if any of this comes off as tone deaf. i also got anxious about asking because, I dont want it to seem like the first thing i think about is, this? when interacting, but its why i get really nervous about using you/yall? not that anything was done to make me feel like that, i just want to be respectful? I also dont want to ask tons of questions cause, i know what it feels like to be bombarded with questions about something like this and being treated less like a person, more like a thing to gawk at i guess? like, ive done my best to read up on DID to, better try to understand, but if its unique to each person, I dont want to generalize it? I also am trying not to refer to this as a disability? as im not sure if its, ok to? because it just felt, strange, referring to, what to me seems like a Group of people? as a disability? Im sorry if thats, incorrect or wrong, or even ableist? im genuinely not trying to be. I just, think its important to give everyone individuality and importance? and if you all ? are, different people with their own personalities (if im, understanding that right, i know its possibly different from one person to another?) Then i want to respect that to the best of my ablity? Sorry for all of the rambling and if this is too much a wall of text. im also extremely sorry if anything ive said/done in our interactions, or this ask were offensive? Its alright if you dont want to answer this of course, or if any of this was too personal/touchy, im not gonna get upset or anything and thats completely fair ? I honestly second guessed asking, but figured i needed to before i accidently messed up and said something wrong?

hey no need to apologize! we are willing to answer questions about our experiences with did/plurality! (in fact, it's nice when singlets/non-systems ask questions when they're unsure bc it shows that they care about respect n stuff)

each system's experience with their diagnosis is unique, yes! we have did, but there are various types of osdd that are diagnoses for systems as well

we have what's called a singletsona, essentially a "sona" that's a single person. we mostly have this irl for safety reasons, but we also understand that a constantly changing roster of many people can be confusing esp for neurodivergent people. so, generally, we go by night (cause we're the night system lol it fits perfectly!) and use they/them.

some people do want to interact with us individually (like. maybe four singlets so don't feel bad if you'd rather just interact with us as a whole, but we will let you know if we switch or about alter-specific things) and they refer to us either by who's fronting or by "night sys" or "night system" and refer to us with plural pronouns

you're so very sweet <3

so that refers to people who act as if the body belongs to the host and no one else in the system, the life belongs to the host and other alters shouldn't get as much of a say, or as if other alters aren't really people, like the host is.

you're not being tone deaf at all! even if you were, we'd still be willing to provide info

so, referring to a system depends on a few things. if you're referring to a singletsona, then singular pronouns/preferred pronouns. if you're referring to a single alter, then singular, but if you mean the whole system, then plural. also, if you feel weird about using "you," just know that you was originally a plural pronoun (but has changed in meaning and usage, like they! and thou was the singular)

we're generally pretty understanding and won't get offended unless one is being intentionally malicious (understanding what one is doing, what the affects of the actions are, and still choosing to do it)

we don't know enough to comment on osdd but did is absolutely 100% a disability because this impacts every aspect of our lives, for several reasons. there's the obvious sharing every life decision with a multitude of others with their own personalities and opinions, but did is a trauma based disorder and thus has a lot of symptoms of trauma. did is usually concurrent with ptsd and c-ptsd, and often others. this is bc dissociation is a learned (unhealthy) coping mechanism where we put ourselves literally anywhere but the physical present rw to avoid trauma at a young age, which impacts development of the personality (talking specifically about did). did is... so much more than having brain friends, its freaking out bc someone used a specific tone of voice even if it's not meant maliciously. it's coming to front and having no clue where you are or what's going on. it's being held accountable for actions you have no memory of (and are often out of character). it's often dealing with depression, anxiety, flashbacks, anxiety attacks... you get the point lol

the group of people isn't the disability, it's how traumagenic systems form that cause them to be disabilities, and how that affects daily life. that sounds contradictory. it's... not that any specific alter is debilitating, but the cause of the condition (trauma) and the effects of the condition (dissociative amnesia, etc) that make it a disability. does that make sense?

and you've been nothing but respectful! but thank you for checking, it means a lot to us, truly.

feel free to send more asks/reply to this if you have any more questions or need any clarifications in regards to this (we've been awake for far too many hours lol). also we love talking about our system and info dumping about our diagnosis/diabilities lol

[beidousbunny]

Okay I just read my last ask and went "sweetie, your mental health issues are showing" at myself, but that's besides the point.

It's not even just the character from a personality or story viewpoint, but at least in Childe's case everyone seems to just make fun of Childe mains just because they think he's a bad and annoying character gameplay-wise.

Like yes, I understand, the cooldowns and all are difficult a first, but I really don't get why people say he's annoying to play as. Personally I fell in love with the playstyle the moment I tried it for the first time. Like the riptide? It's so convenient. Two different burst versions? Love it. Sure, you have to play around with the cooldown on the meelee stance but it takes a couple hours practice and it's fine.

That, and the fact that the genshin community can overall be so toxic makes me super anxious to play on co-op with strangers. Like my mains include Lumine, Kaeya, and Amber, and every time I'm playing with other people I'm scared that they'll start making fun of me or even kick me for using them during fights where they are the most convenient ones out of my decently leveled characters.

You can skip the next part if talk about mental health makes you uncomfortable, it's basically just me complaining

It doesn't make it any easier that I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder that includes me shutting down completely from anxiety, or even getting a full-on panic attack when talking to strangers if I'm even slightly uncomfortable/start to overthink too much. Hell, it sometimes even happens with my closest friends or cousins. I can never predict how I react to something because I can be just fine one moment, and crying my eyes out for no reason at all the next thanks to my depression. So it really breaks me when I get criticized about basically anything, let alone made fun of or treated even slightly coldly compared to how people are generally treated.

Mental health talk stops here

I'm sharing that last bit because I really wish people would be more mindful of how they act online, and it's a good example of why you should be mindful when talking to people, especially strangers, because you can never know what's going on behind the scenes. (This wasn't targeted at anyone here, just a general note)

-📝

i absolutely agree. it’s just so sad :( i think childe is an outstanding character and people fail to realize that his ranged attack is also extremely good. he’s super strong, his passive talent is great, and he’s overall extremely powerful no matter how you build him.

i feel you. i have depression and anxiety as well so co-op, especially with strangers is extremely nerve-racking. so many people are toxically competitive to the point where ive wanted to quit. im embarrassed by my builds, my damage, the characters i have/dont, it just sucks.

use whoever you want. there is no bad characters. i dont wanna hear people bitching about childe when they probably don’t even have him/have used him for more than 5 minutes 😐

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[funeral-junkie]

hey guys im not feeling too well and i wanted to rant about it bc i feel like im being eaten alive with how much im struggling mentally and emotionally.

im extremely depressed and stressed and just full of anxiety and existential dread all the fucking time now and at this point all im trying to do is cope with it by ignoring it and bottling it up to go about my day trying to atleast be calm about it but really i just feel like im drowning.

i take meds, mood stabilizers anyway for bipolar 1 and this doesn't feel like a depressive episode or anything but first off this is problem #1. my psychiatric doctors always pledge that any time im feeling down it's time to increase my meds to try and force my brain into calm and honestly im insulted by it,, i always have been. they treat any situation that i actually feel anything as a call to increase my meds and essentially try to bring me down and out of whatever it is I'm going through. i just feel like i can't be a whole person to my doctor's who actually feels things like a normal person instead of everything that riles me up in one way or another is immediately tied to my bipolar and it has to be treated. im on some heavy doses of mood stabilizers and they are fine and dandy and they do usually help with how i feel if it gets to be swinging into too extreme,, and my doctors are good, i don't blame them for having a watchful eye since im known to have frequent and intense episodes, but for this it just doesn't seem to cover it and i don't know what to do since my whole life has just been meds meds meds to try and sedate anything that I feel.

one thing that stresses me out and gives me a lot of anxiety is working. im constantly going between jobs just because i also have fibromyalgia, and fibromyalgia really kicks me in the ass especially now with all my stress, and trying different jobs to see if something will stick is utterly exhausting and painful. one thing that breaks my heart about the last two jobs ive been at given that i am now unemployed since i had to quit, is that i constantly get told im not fast enough. i will literally kill myself it feels like for these jobs, and it seems that even trying my very best is not worth other people's time since everyone else's best is so much more valuable to my superiors. it just hurts me, and the idea that to get out of my toxic household, and going to university, and putting into savings for important future things, i will have to work 2 jobs whether i like it or not, whether i get so stressed out i flare up or not, because ultimately i can't afford not to work 2 jobs with how expensive things are and the idea that one job alone isn't going to cut shit and that i will have to work myself to death until i probably die is where the existential dread comes in. my bar is so low for what i view my ideal future is and i think it's embarrassing. i feel embarrassed when my dreams are supposedly just normal things to attain when to me they feel impossible. im REALLY embarrassed about my extreme buyers guilt for anything i purchase that's necessary for my health just because i should be saving and not wasting my money. it's terrible and i hate it.

ive been having this really big problem with dissociation and derealization lately too - probably tied to my depression and anxiety issues that ive been sadly going through, and it is not fun. quite frankly, it just makes me more depressed and anxious. every day seems like it passes in a blink, and honestly if something happened twenty minutes ago i wouldn't be able to remember it hardly at all since it just seems like at time i look back in it it's a blur from how fast i feel time is moving. at this point, i have absolutely zero concept of time. it feels that anything that happened didn't really happen, everything doesn't feel real when it's actually going on, and im stuck in this liminal space it feels where im not real, but the world isn't real either, so what is the middle ground? it doesn't even feel like there is one at this point.

just to throw this in there i have a severe citrus allergy and i hate that i can't drink orange juice or lemonade without going into anaphylaxis.

thank you for listening.

[babyloniastreasure]

right so i just got done crying on and off for the first three hours of my day and i think i deserve a bit of unloading into the internet about it

dont mind me i just,,,dont have a support system anymore lol and i need some kind of fuckin release. feel free to ignore

so the last week in particular has been extremely rough and today I almost asked to go to the hospital in the hopes of like, idk. getting some sort of help. I have never been this depressed or hopeless before in my life and I’ve never had so much nothing as I do now. I lost all of my friends and my only support. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I look at my projects and my art and I can’t stand them because everything has memories attached to people who hate me and want nothing to do with me. People who have ignored me for five fucking weeks after telling me “We want to fix this.”

i’m hardly sleeping. im constantly exhausted. im physically nauseous because i cant eat from the stress and anxiety, granted i remember to eat at all or have the energy to get up to get anything in the first place. emotionally im an absolute wreck. I can’t focus. nothing is enjoyable. there’s nothing TO enjoy, because everything i had before was everything they took away. I’ve been left in the dust after they told me they still cared. so clearly that was a lie. if they cared they wouldnt have left at the drop of a hat like that

Even my family has noticed that i’m not okay and they’re starting to ask questions. i feel bad every time i brush them off but I cant let them know how bad things really are. i cant tell them that every hour i have to fight the urge to hurt myself again. that every time i have a second of free thought i think, hey, wouldn’t it be so satisfying to make yourself bleed again? and yes! it would be satisfying! but that’s not a pit i want to fall into again. it had me for years and it took even more years to break. and even though I have the awareness to not go through with it and can recognize it’s not actually going to help in the long run, it’s so exhausting when that’s my first go-to solution. And like yeah I usually have those thoughts anyway but I’ve had such a great system of friends and people I love who love me also that it was easier to get past. There were people there for me  who cared and because I knew they cared I could get through the rough patches. But now I don’t have those people. I don’t have any support. There’s nobody who cares about me. So then my loneliness gets to me and i get even more depressed and anxious and I keep spiraling, and those thoughts get worse and harder to fight off. it was those thoughts of intense “lets hurt ourselves really badly :D” that made me want to go to the hospital. I literally had the thought of “If I go to the hospital and they say I’m not severe enough to be admitted, I’ll just grab a pen and stab my leg to prove to them I need help.” Which is neither good nor healthy, but it would be so easy

instead i ended up crying for three hours and started thinking the circumstances that lead me here

and like. i will admit, and i have admitted dozens of times, hundreds of times to myself, that I made a mistake. I know that. I told them that. That was the first fucking thing I said. all i can think about is that singular, one, individual, tiny little blunder. and how despite me acknowledging it and coming clean with it and trying to talk about it, it was blown up and out of proportion and thrown in my face. they took my misstep and every single one of them twisted it and manipulated it into something far from the truth, something that painted me as a terrible person, as a secret asshole, as a huge toxic influence, as a deceitful and unappreciative person. They all threw out everything about our friendship in favor of ignoring what I’d said and assuming something far from the truth, the truth I laid out for them no less.

and then when i asked if i could clarify and communicate, they told me no. then blamed me for not communicating!!

thats all i ever tried to do! was communicate

From day one the group said hey if there’s a problem, be open with it and we’ll talk about it. we communicate to solve problems because we’re all friends and cherish each other.

what a load of shit.

i tried to communicate. I laid out my problem and then everybody else got involved, said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that with them, then they called me back like some kind of court and judge and jury and told me because I didn’t communicate, I was being kicked out. That’s not fair. I wasn’t treated fairly. I wasn’t even allowed to clarify whatever the hell they thought. They straight up told me no, you can’t talk about this with us. That’s not communication. That’s hypocritically shutting me down.

“Communicate with us Jask!”

“Okay I will send communication”

“Op! You’re not allowed :) We agreed you can’t talk to us :) You’re being kicked out :) Oh But Don’t Feel Unwelcome We Want To Fix This.” Then they all fuckin. moved into a space without me in it. That’s not welcoming. That’s exclusionary. That’s not communicating either. I’ve been handed a double standard that I can’t do anything about because I’m not allowed to even say hello to these people

How does anyone expect things to get better if I’m not being given the chance I was promised? its been. five. weeks. I’m ? so fucking tired and sad and alone, waiting every fucking day in the hopes that someone is going to actually talk to me again. then I finally pass out in near tears at 3am because another day has passed with none of them caring enough to even ask if im okay

and like. i desperately want to talk to them. i dont know what id say but. i dont know. i dont know. im not allowed to, for one. they made that crystal fucking clear. but again what would i even say?

do i say im sorry? i apologized dozens of times and it never made a difference, they ignored my apologies from the start and im certain they ignored the ones at the end too. and im terrified of saying sorry to the only person who really matters in this situation because im certain she’s going to cut me off if i even breathe in her direction

do I say that i miss them? what’s that going to do? it feels manipulative to say that. like hey pity me into talking to me again? i cant do that. im sure none of them miss me anyway so why would i put myself on the spot like that

do i admit im afraid to talk to them? again that also feels, bad, because the last time i admitted a feeling it drove them all away in an instant. and like also that feels like im backing them into a corner where they have to respond. and i dont want to force that. so it feels like talking is making the same mistake that made them kick me out. and like. what if...talking really does make it worse? what if talking is what ruins it even though talking is what they told me they want?

again there’s the double standard. be honest and communicate, but if you’re honest and communicate you’re rejected outright and made into the bad guy.

at this point its been so long

and i’ve deteriorated so much

i dont know if like. i just. i dont know...if more deterioration, if more waiting, and more dashed hope is worth it ?

i dont even know if they still want to repair things. what if they dont? what if they never did? what if they lied? what if they sit in their little group and talk poorly about me? what if they made bets about how long it’ll take me to leave or unfriend them like my isolation was some sort of game? what if they think i hate them? what if they really DO hate me? what if they moved on and want to forget about me? what if they regret knowing me at all? what if they wish they never knew me? what if they’re happy without me? what if 

oh boy i started crying again

what if this entire month of waiting and crying and wishing and grieving and hoping and loneliness was a waste of time? what if this was all for nothing? what if i never get to talk to them again? i. man. i just. i really really really miss everyone. i miss them so much. i miss them so fucking much. i dont know what to do. I m. fuck. im miserable. i wish i hadn’t said anything i wish i had kept my mouth shut i wish i never tried i wish i never did any of that i wish i had my friends i wish i could go back i wish i could talk to them

if i didnt say anything at least i’d be happy and id have everything and i would have my best friends in the whole world and id, fuck man thats really it, id be happy. im  so fucking awul

im so. i. i cant see the scvreen i need to go wash up and stop