#im just going to not explain my ideas anymore and you all have to suffer

[haunt-the-house]

i think about wkm, iswm and other mark projects a lot but I suck at conveying my ideas for a DA and aus because so much of it was just ideas in my head for years until i made this blog.

anyways damien and my da are bitter exs, and banditxcaptian/da are awesome.

[elegyofthemoon]

shaking excitedly and tiredly

[catch1ngmoths]

BRO I LOVE YOUR WRITING OML ESPECIALLY WITH JOOST ?! MHSKYTJSSYJ

Anywho im allergic to happiness rn so could you write a joost x reader (gn if possible, if you don’t do gn do whatever your comfortable doing idm:3) with like reader admitting that they’ve been struggling (like with depression, suicidal thoughts etc etc)

If you’re uncomfortable with any of this feel free to ignore!! Have an amazing day/night AND GET SOME SLEEP(•̀ᴗ•́)و

࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ SOBER TO DEATH ࣪˖ ཐིཋྀ

𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋ “take your hands off your neck and hold onto the ghost of my body…” - car seat headrest 𝄞⨾𓍢ִ໋

Summary: you’ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. You’re struggling with a pretty bad mental episode just as your boyfriend Joost comes home…

Note: I love you all omfg, the support is insane! I absolutely love writing and reading angst so I get you annon 🙏🏻. PART TWO OF, “Only stay with you one more night” WILL BE OUT TOMORROW!!

Warnings: mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, bad mental episode + comfort

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋅˚₊‧ ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅

You’ve been going through it, really going through it. You had no energy to do anything anymore. No energy to get outta bed, brush your teeth, or even eat. You felt utterly and completely worthless every single day of your life.

The thoughts of getting rid of all the pain and suffering your mind made you go through on a daily basis plagued your mind. The only reason you’d haven’t gone through with your plethora of ideas to end it all was your boyfriend, Joost.

He was the most important person in your life and the best guy you’d ever met. He always helped your mood; anytime he smiles, you smile. Anytime he laughs, you laugh. Anytime he’s happy, you’re happy. But he wasn’t around, not here to talk to you and hold you in his arms.

He was on tour and had been for the past few weeks, you’d realized how bad it’s been without the comfort and just presence of Joost. Don’t get me wrong, every day he was away from you he felt even more annoyed and irritated with everyone around him. Not his fans of course, while performing that was the little peace he got in the day. He just wanted to hold you, he craved it. Just the sight of you made his nerves calm immediately.

You both were like a cure to each others bad moods (THE CURE MENTIONED??!!), fixing each others problems by just being near each other. But your mental health has been the worst it’s ever been these few weeks. You don’t remember the last time you ate and especially drank water. You haven’t left your bed even, falling into deep thoughts of harming yourself that would worry anyone.

The good news is Joost was coming back today, he was practically rushing to get back home to you. FaceTime calls and texting just wasn’t doing it for him, he needed to hold and kiss you. You on the other hand totally forgot Joost was coming home, you’d lost track of time a while ago.

It was around 6pm when you heard the familiar sound of keys opening the front door of your apartment. Your eyes widen, is he home?? Is it really him..?! Before you can get outta your bed a figure comes running towards you with a wide smile, jumping on you and pulling you against them.

You feel yourself smile for the first time in weeks, breathing in the familiar smell of Joosts cologne. He grabs your cheeks and presses kisses all over your face, “missed you so so much baby” he says, his accent bringing the much needed comfort you craved.

He pulls away, looks at you and can immediately tell something’s wrong. He scans your face with narrowing eyes. You looked skinnier and had dark circles around your eyes, even still looking beautiful as ever but he knew you weren’t okay. He doesn’t need to elaborate or even explain, he just says, “what’s been going on in that pretty little head of yours hmm.?”

You sigh, he always knew when something was wrong. He would never let it go unanswered or ignored, “I’ve been getting worse without you here..” you say with a sad sigh, you could always be open and honest with him both of you knew that.

“Talk to me mijn lieve schatje” he says, rubbing your back comfortingly. You pour you heart out, you tell him all about your suicidal thoughts. You tell him about how you haven’t eaten or drinking anything in god knows how long. Your body felt so weak, it took a lot out of you to even raise your arm. You explain how depressed you’ve been, feeling like the most miserable person ever.

He gives you his full and undivided attention, keeping eye contact even when you looked away he stares at you with the most intense eyes that were filled with love and nothing but utter care and worry for your wellbeing. Once you’re done he immediately begins, “well first of all, I’m gonna make you something to eat and drink.”

He says picking you up and carrying you to the kitchen, placing you on the countertop and making you food. Not before handing you a water bottle and making sure you drink all of it. Once your fead, he brings you to the bathroom. You both shower together, he washes your hair and body affectionately while he presses kisses wherever he could.

Once you were both back in bed and ready to sleep he speaks once more right before you were about to fall asleep. “You’re coming on tour with me for now on, I don’t think I can spend that long without you again.” Is the last thing you hear before long kisses are pressed to your eyelids before you’re consumed by darkness….

[cheesymellow]

Alright after processing everything that’s happened, Heres my predictions and theories for EP:8

(Spoilers, ofc, +horrible explaining!!)

.

.

Alright starting with my theories on “Truthless Recluse” aka corrupted pv

So first off, I believe this truthless recluse ISNT actually pv, or at least the REAL real real pv. lemme explain-

This specific dialogue gave me an idea..

What if Pure vanilla was hiding this half of himself without knowing it? And shadow milk’s goal was to reveal this other half, These 2 half’s of him probably being:

A:

The pure vanilla we all know and love, The truthful one, The one that never gives up for peace and the happiness of all cookie kind!

B:

The “real” pure vanilla, The shame, doubt, and hatred of himself thinking he’s worthless, And that he cant help all cookies. basically the depressed side

Ever since ep 10 of crispia. Pure vanilla was able to let go of pv B and always stayed persistent and kind. Splitting himself in half. Only ever revealing the other side of him when provoked & manipulated.. Only by one specific cookie.. Shadow milk!.. So.. silly lil smilk mentally tortured PV A in order to let pv show the “real” him. PV B

So, Hes split by shadow milk cookie in order to truly break him. So like uhm, The sides switched. PV A is the one hidden within the abyss of regret now while PV B is the one as Truthless Recluse.

So like, Its still him. But not the full him. And in believe pv B is aware of that. Except, He thinks A is nothing but a poor illusion. What is he is now, Is the “real him”. (in his eyes prob)

And the only way for him to awaken is if he embraces both sides of himself. By accepting the cruel truth about the world and that he cant save everyone, Its inevitable. But aslong as he dosent give up and tries. Its the best he can do, and it still makes an impact on cookiekind

So the only way to bring him back is for the trio (or possibily WL) to do the opposite of smilk:

Give this man a WARM BLANKET. SLEEP. HOT COCOA. ALL HIS FRIENDS THERE FOR HIM, ALL HIS SHEEP AND A THERAPIST

But even if he does awaken and embrace those two sides. Its safe to say he will never FULLY recover from what shadow milk has done to him. Its gonna take an awfull long while for him to do so. And i hope devsis KNOWS THAT.

Anyways moving on~

He also couldve been truthless recluse for a WHILEEE by now..

comfirmed by fortune teller. shadow milk can probably control time in the spire with a flick of a wrist!

meaning that.. Even if the trio only ventured for merely a few hours. What if pure vanilla/truthless recluse has to experience days of torture and suffering to turn like that.. Only proof i have of this theory is his eyebags (he’s had too much.)

this is PV B were talking abt. so Since he literally has no hope anymore he’s probably been overthinking about everything nonestop, his uselessness, his failure as a king, his whole life merely being a game to shadow milk. HIS WHOLE LIFE BEING A LIE. Which explains the eyes :((

Im gonna hope its just emo eyeshadow

The pupils & eyecolor also intrigue me too. I believe its to show how shadow milk has control of him now. Orr, It shows how he now only see’s everything in shadow milk’s lies :((

(Devsis when i catch you.)

Just. Why. why are you so easily manipulated PV. FIGHT BACK PLEASE. I NEED A GROWLING HATRED SCREAM FROM YOU AGAINST SMILK. LET IT OUT 🙏🙏

you CAN CANONICALLY DO THIS WITHOUT THE POSESSION OF YOUR SOULJAM. LITERALLY JUST DARK MOON MAGIC (i think) TO DO THIS

Beat HIS ASS IN EP 8.

anyways SPeAKiNG OF FORTUNE TELLER COOKIE

ho- HOW ARE THEY THE SAME?!

THEY WERE IN THE- THE SAME ROOM LIKE HOW HUH?

My only guess is that, Fortune teller IS really a seperate cookie. But after Truthless Recluse found out he was helping the trio. He probably decided to posess him. Most likely with dark moon magic. We know he IS was stronger now by what the trio said at the end.

talkin abt truthless, i dont think WL is gonna be the one saving him. I believe all respective beasts stories start at the same time, Except white lilies which is just a little late since she decided to go with pv but later left.

I believe the riddle at that spire was purposely added to make white lily leave. Its too much trouble for shadow milk. so he tricked her into going to silent salt.

(i want to believe raisin will be there for him but. really doubtful abt that 😔)

Alright now Lets move onto shadow milk:

lets start off with how i think he’ll be defeated:

if i had to predict.. He’d be defeated by straight off anger from pv. But what if he got beaten up while pv was still Truthless Recluse? Like, Pv straight up snaps and not only almost crumbles smilk. But the entire spire and his friends with it

I believe in his corrupted form, he’d be more powerful than ever considering the ending of ep 7. Probably because hes now using dark moon magic.

like IMAGINE. HE WAS SO TORTURED AND MENTALLY UNSTABLE SO HE SNAPS AND PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE 💩 OUT OF SMILK. EVEN IF HE DOSENT WIN THE FIGHT IT WILL STILL BE VERY VERY SATISFYING

EVEN WITHOUT HIS SOULJAM. WE KNOW HES SO POWERFUL BUT YET HES A HEALER. JUST GOES TO SHOW HE CAN OBLITERATE EARTHBREAD ANY TIME. BUT CHOOSES PEACE

“Wait but what about the beast sealing ritual thingy?”

i dont think its exists. Because if it never did or got destroyed. That would be such a plot twist. But that defeats the whole purpose on why they went there and pv would go through all of that for nothing. So id like to imagine it would get destroyed last second

wait that gives me another idea:

What if the trio tries to get pv back to his sense while pv is trying to protect the beast sealing ritual. But right when pv is abt to snap back to his senses. He COMPLETELY DESTROYS the ritual on accident or mind control. Only a small hint left. And they are forced to confront shadow milk for the truth.

Okay thats it for now. My silly brainrotted brain has nothing else to say.

if i have more theories i will add the link of it down here ⬇️

[xxmia0wm4yh3mxx]

ENOCK

(Pomni X Caine Fic)

____________________________________

(Caine and Pomni have been together for a while now, even though Pomni is happy with him, She still suffers from Panic attacks that keeps her from living her best life and constantly on the brink of abstracting, Which Caine simply cannot let slide! So He gives Her a very speical Present)

( This is my first Ship fic, sorry if its corny/cringe )

"POMNI MY DARLING!"

He Teleported through the halls frantically Looking for Pomni who he heard was Having another stress attack, It seems no matter How hard He tries to keep her Happy, the looming threat of anxiety and Being Trapped in a fake world was always to much for her.

Caine Could never Understand, Pomni Always Said She was happy with him, He made her laugh and Smile, He worked so hard to learn to empathize and to have Emotions So she could Be As happy as Possible.

'Was it his Fault? He was Made to Make People Happy, And absolutely needs pomni to be happy, Was he not doing it right? He learned so much about humans, but their still so complicated and impossible understand'

"POMNI?"

Caine found Pomni curled up in a little ball in a corner in one of the rooms, She was hyperventilating and glitching again

'UH OH'

"POMNI! I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!"

He Manifests a warm blanket and Wraps it around her to comfort her, He also hads Her a cat Plushie and some water, Her breathing slows down a bit

"Thank you Caine"

She wasn't Glitching anymore, but she still looked sad

"DO YOU NEED ANYING ELSE?"

"FRESH DIGITAL AIR? A ROOM FILLED WITH FRIENDLY CATS? SAY THE WORD AND ITS YOURS MY DEAR!"

Pomni was always so endeared by him, Always trying so hard to make everyone happy even if it dosent always work, its the thought that makes him so sweet

"I'm Fine..."

"...MY DEAR, IM HAVING TROULE BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE 'FINE'."

he floating down to her level

"PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG? I CAN'T LET YOU ABSTRACT, I NEED YOU!"

"....Ive just been feeling so... Stressed lately and I dont know why, I-I don't think I have any reason To be, But I just Am and I-I C-cant help it and... im sorry that y-you can't help.."

Her eyes started tearing up a little

He just put his Hand on her shoulder, He was starting to feel a little depressed himself

"POMNI I'M SO SORRY! I PROMISE I WILL NEVER STOP TRYING TO KEEP YOU SANE I PROMISE! JUST... TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO!"

"I-I don't know what you can do"

She cuddled into him resting Her head on his chest, Caine Gave her a little Head pat in response, he was starting to feel alittle Hopeless now, But then a little light bulb popped over his head as He got a Idea.

"EUREKA! IVE GOT IT!"

"Got What?"

Caine thought for a moment on How to Explain his Plan to her, It was a long shot but still, Everything for her or nothing at all

"POMNI, I ADORE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?"

He sounded Weirdly more Serious than Usual, which was kinda off putting and confuseing, but she Was Listening

"Yes? I Love you to Caine, Where are you Going with this?"

"WELL... I HAVE BEEN LEARNING MORE ABOUT HUMANS AND HOW THEY WORK, AND WHAT MAKES THEM FELL JOY... SO HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT A LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY OF OUR OWN?"

Pomni Was a Little Confused and Startled by this, He couldn't possibly be saying what she thinks hes saying

"W-What do you mean?

"IM TALKING ABOUT YA-KNOW ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ANKLE-BITERS! YOUNG-UNS! IM TALKING ABOUT CHILDERN MY DEAR! DOSENT THAT SOUND MAGNIFICENT!"

Pomni Just stared off into space processing What Caine Just proposed to her

'Was he Crazy?! Okay Absolutely, Yes But Still- Is he Crazy!?'

"Caine, I can Barley Take care of Myself, How can I take care of a Child?!"

"IT WOULDN'T BE LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD, IT WOULD BE AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE! AND WE AI'S ARE KNOWN FOR OUR LOW MANTIENCE! BESIDES, THEIR IS NOTHING MORE FULFILING LIKE THE WONDERS OF PARENTHOOD! SOMETHING TO REPLACE ALL THE ICKY DEPRESSION WITH LOVE AND JOY!"

Pomni was feeling a bit more enticed by the idea, What Else is there to do here expect the Adventures Caine sets out for them? Maybe a Child Could give at least the Illusion of normalcy, And Caine being there with her to help her.only made her feel more convinced

"Well... maybe... But how? I mean Like... How would that Even work..? I mean Can you even Do THAT in Digital realm??"

"WELL OF COURSE WE CAN HAVE CHILDREN MY DEAR!"

Pomni's Face starting turning bright red, Caine Quickly Noticed and became flustered himself

"N-NOT LIKE THAT! I MEANT I COULD CREATE A LEARNING AI FOR US TO RAISE TOGETHER-"

pomni started Giggling a little at Caine being flustered, Caine Always loved that Adorable Face she Made when she was happy, That little giggle, and how shy and sweet she was when she was flustered, its what made him learn to Love and experience things which he couldn't Even Imagine before

"i would find a way to bypass the filter for you"

"What was that Caine?"

"NOTHING-"

"SO MY DEAR, WILL YOU ACCEPT?"

She Thought about it for a while, maybe like Five minutes, Before she Started tearing up in anticipation

"OH GOODNESS MY DEAR! ARE YOU ALR-"

"A-ABSOLUTELY YES!"

She rammed into him, Embraceing him in tight hug

"I wanna have a Child!"

She was still sniffling a bit, Caine Was Just staring into Space for A bit, bursting with enthusiasm at the thought of Pomni being Happy, but also Having his own progeny to raise

"WELL THEN MY DEAR! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO!"

Caine left pomni's embrace and back up in the air a bit, He felt across his Teeth and grabbed one of his Molars, and Yanked it out in a Cartoony Fashion.

"THIS WILL DO WONDERFULLY!"

"NOW MY DEAR, I JUST NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM YOU"

He Grabbed Her Eye and Pulled it out like a Berry in a bush, being as gentle as he can with it, Pomni was already pretty used to Caine's antics at this point so it didn't bother her that much, He Grabbed one of her hats Tassles and Yanked on it, And a new eye roll into place for her

"KNOW LETS SEE!"

He manifested a Little Gift Box and Dropped The pieces into It, and Shook it vigorously for about two minutes, Pomni watching with Excitement and smiling the whole time

"NOW, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH! ARE YOU READY MY DEAR!"

Pomni just vigorously nodded her head not being able to keep calm

"I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES!"

Caine Put the Box into Pomni's hands, Trembling alittle, Pomni slowly opened the box.

She saw a Little Tooth-Like Creature with Big wet Colorful Pinwheel Eyes, The Little Tooth Just Stared at Her with Its Wet Eyes as it Draw back into the Box

Pomni lowerd her Hand to give it a little Stroke, It Snuggled up Against her Hand, purring while doing so

Pomnis looked at it with instant love for the little Creature, picking it up And Holding it Close to her, it cuddling her arm with its Roots as arms, She felt all her Stress, dread, anxiety and sadness fade away, Pomni had tears in her eyes at this point

"....Its Beautiful Caine, I love him"

"TERRIFIC! I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT!"

Caine floated down to see his new child, His pupils Immediately Went big as he Gazed upon The little Tooth, It looked at its Father with Large Eyes and extending its root-legs to be held by him, He picked him up and Looked him in the eyes

"....WELL HELLO THERE SPORT! AND WELCOME TO THE DIGITAL CIRCUS! IM YOUR CREATOR AND FATHER CAINE, AND THIS IS YOUR MOTHER POMNI!"

The little baby Tooth just Stared him, and Cuddled into him like a Kitten, and Caines eyes went big

Pomni Went up to Him and Gave Caine a hug

".....Hes perfect"

________________________________

Thanks for reading!!!

Here Enock Himself if your wondering

[gardensnakie]

Do you think when Sunny and Stranger hold each others hands, Sunny doesn't know his own strength and occasionally breaks Stranger's hands, yet Stranger doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to frighten Sunny into letting go?

Hm well dang, i dont think Sunny would be that strong to break anyone's hands, but if he were to have a tight hold i think Stranger wouldnt say anything.

(Im going to ramble about the faraway au for a moment since im imagining this happening after sunny comes to visit faraway and meets stranger)

If the hold did start to hurt too much, Stranger would subtely loosen his own hold to ease the pain and to let Sunny know that it was uncomfortable without saying anything.

Off topic but i like how it shows the contrast between basil and stranger.

Because it seems like Basil would be the one more likely to hold on to Sunny very tightly while Stranger is much more hesitant to hold on at all. Its hard to explain with all this history in the faraway au i have made up in my head.

But in short, after the good ending passed, Stranger was left by himself again and no one was coming back for him. It made him suffer the realization that the person he wanted to protect, to help, had ignored him to the very very end. No last words. Stranger wasnt sure how he would feel if he saw Sunny again in the real world. Stranger wasnt sure If it would even be right because Sunny was under the impression that everything that happened in his head was just a dream. Dreams made up to help him cope. All of it was fabricated and fears develop into nightmares, it was all built from subconsious, no real life was gone.

How could Stranger meet with Sunny again? after being ignored for so long? It wasnt Sunny's fault to think that his dreams didnt have a mind of its own. (Cause thats literally supposed to be impossible but dam) That hurts.

I dont think Stranger would want to hold hands with Sunny anymore, but that validation of worth is hard to pass up after everything. I imagine its a complicated emotion, that drastic feeling of self-worth along with resentment over all that hes been through.

I think the reason Sunny is willing to hold hands with Stranger would be to show some form of apology. Or perhaps a way to make peace.

Sunny might hold on tighter because the idea of making peace with yourself eventually blurs with making peace with someone else. It becomes a gray area since Stranger isn't a part of Sunny's mind anymore and is becoming his own person.

(sry for saying 'in short' and then proceeding to paragraph) Those are some extra thoughts i have about that, feel free to share more thoughts im curious and like reading

:]

[k-kizkhalifa]

junjo romantica s2ep9 --

Alright my guys, let me just preface this with: i have about three hours of sleep the last two days. i am exhausted. i am sorry. i can't sleep. and i wanna watch this.

HERE WE GO: I srsly don't remember what has happened/been happening/i need to go back and read my notes. hold on.

oh it was a miyagi episode. i have no idea whats going on anymore. lets just watch this.

oh damn okay, usagi is going over sea. LOL AT USAGI NOT KNOWING HOW TO DATE. BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Also, can you please take Misaki on a date like that Usagi. fk man. STEP UP FOR OUR BOY.

LMFAO MISAKI GOING TO TEACH USAGI HOW TO DATE. also, awe at the usagi practically mentioning that all of misaki's dates have been with him. i see you usagi-san.

i love their red flag relationship (i need more therapy!)

awe misaki being a sweet heart. oh look he isn't a being a sweetheart and running from usagi.

OH I FORGOT MISAKI RAN INTO HIS DAD. oh goodness misaki is being awful hard on usagi. ughhhhhhh. just let usagi suffer in silence, baby. oh man, usagi is so out of it on the date misaki planned. MISAKI YOU LITTLE SHIT.

OH NO THE DATE WAS GOING SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Usagi's family showing up all the time! GOODLORDGOAWAY.

LOL I LAUGHED TO HARD AT MISAKI SAYING: if you take a ducky bath naked things will work out. (boy you could have handled that a lot better.) damn misaki trying to save their whole fmaily

oh god. this man and his, "i love yous". usami's brother is just a fkn creep. NOWAKI I NEED YOU TO KICK HIS FKN ASS RIGHT NOW.

oh misaki always so brave to express your love to everyone but usagi. OH THEY'RE BACK IN THE FERRISS WHEEL.

what. a date that went well. and now usagi is triyng to dump him. I AM SCREAMING. why can't i remember this season????

no misaki explaining himself. boy is in deep. usagi do you realize this is how he says he loves you! you idiot. please be easy on this young boy.

misaki taking --- HOLY FUCK HE SAID I LOVE YOU. I AM SCREAMING.

alright finally we can get some love from misaki (and gather homie just likes to play hard to get... IM JUST SAYING.) he really did it, y'all. he really looked at usagi and said: bro this is what is wrong with you? if i didn't want you, i wouldn't be here. i LOVE YOU USAGI. *CLAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*

love a whole steamy scene y'all. look how cute they are. oh goodness.

[prettyboykatsuki]

Hii plz just ignore this if you’re uncomfortable or reply to it if you'd like to reply I really would appreciate it but I just need to get some stuff out of my chest

I feel so so bad I just cant see whats the point in my life anymore I feel as if Im just consuming and not giving anything in return I feel useless I dont know how to take a joke or how to make one I dont know how to express my feelings and emotions properly and people keep getting the wrong ideas and Im tired of explaining anything to anyone and I feel as if all of my friends aren’t really there like Im just a passing person on their life I keep losing people and I keep leaving people afraid of them leaving me sometimes and I dont get what the hell is wrong with me sometimes I wish I was never born or if I were someone else but then again I wish I had the power to keep moving and make my life better but I cant even do that I study day and night and I dont get the grade that I want while some people I knew spends their whole life on social media and they are getting full grades literally I feel like Im useless in every aspect of life and I know I shouldn’t be complaining and there are people who have it worse but I really needed to get that out of my chest and I can’t trust anyone of the people I know to tell them all of this also Im going through exams and shit so I just feel really pressured and all

Anyway thank you if you wasted your time reading this or not it doesn’t matter but I really enjoy your writings as well they make me feel alive so thank you for existing🩵

hello!

i thought for a long time today on how to reply to this. or if i should. get asks like this that are triggering can be very tricky to navigate, because on one had it is hard for me. and on the other, i care and have sympathy for you. and i think sometimes, it is easier to reach out to stranger about how you feel than people you love. so i would never blame you for that, or want to make you feel worse.

mostly, i want to say i am unqualified to help you completely. because im just a person who's live a vague concept of a life. take my words with a grain of salt.

i think the most important thing for you to remember is that everything you are experiencing is temporary. and i dont say that to dismiss you, but because i think it worth examining everything in your life and thinking that when it gets to be too much. you are worrying about so much at once, but you'll disillusion yourself in that process.

suffering, pain, excitement, joy. these are all very temporary things to feel, even when they seem like they'll go on forever. they are big, abstract concepts that will torment you near relentless if you let them. the only thing that you have with you concretely, is what you are able to do right now.

i wont tell you that life will immediately get better because to make a life that doesn't make you suffer takes so much time. it is so much work to build a good life and it is constant work - but never impossible. but i think it will quell the pain a little to take a deep breath and slow down to process what you're experiencing, which is a big brush of hopelessness that is so encompassing.

everything feels hopeless because you trying to tackle everything all at once. to me, it doesn't sound like you want to die. it sounds like you want it to be easier. it sounds like you want to burden the lessen, which ultimately means you desire a life. and you sound like you're trying very hard to do that all while worrying about everything else at the same time.

i dont know if i have any advice for you. any good advice, but if i could urge you do anything - it would be to take a deep breath and remember it will pass. it always does. and after that, sort your problems out one by one. and once you've done it, pick the thing that is most urgent that you can change, and start to work towards it. do it slowly and try to keep everything else out of your mind.

if you fail, forgive yourself. you have to forgive yourself. sometimes, the only thing you are able to do is live. or try to live. that doesn't make you useless. no human beings worth is measured by what they can and cannot do. you wouldn't love someone based on what they do but who they are.

and maybe you don't like who you are. maybe your friends aren't the right fit. maybe it will be lonely for a while. you can change it. you can find something new or maybe it will teach you to like your own company. it will pass and you will come out of the other side. but the only way to change those things is to try, and sometimes fail, and to forgive yourself after that and then try more. the world is not ending you just have to take it one day at a time.

it will be fine because everything passes unwillingly. and eventually this will just be another bad day. you're not useless. give yourself some grace for trying. and i hope it gets easier.

[makwandis]

could you explain why you think gil is old prussia please? and maybe how that translates into his personality and stuff not really being entirely culturally germanic? I so deeply want to settle on something but havent arrived at a conclusion. Im curious about your take :) Thank you!!!!

yes totally! so i have...many many reasons

the first reason that really made me go with this idea is that i do not like the idea of giving like. "nation status" or legitimacy to uhhh insanely violent colonizing religious orders that happen to violently acquire land. like... it just doesn't make sense and i think is quite sinister? the teutonic order wasn't a culture, it wasn't an ethnicity, it wasn't a country. it was a military order that managed to dispossess people from their land and only existed on that land for a fairly brief period of time. it was an incredibly diverse order actually, in that their forces were varied and came from across europe. i also think- okay, we give one extremist militant religious group who dispossesses people from their land a nation, what then? do the groups that are similar to that that exist in recent times then get one too? i find that pretty fucky not gonna lie. it just doesnt add up, and if it does add up it means a lot of fucked up things haha. i just ask that people apply that logic to other violent religious groups....

i should note here i do nooooot give a fuck what himaruya says or anything about canon at all. who cares! not me haha

now a lot of people usually go with the idea of gil is born as the teutonic order and he kills old prussia and the teutonic order takes over. like. sure. however it's not historically accurate. the old prussians, while they suffered a genocide, were not all killed off by the teutonic order. they in fact made up a bulk of the teutonic's military force after the prussian rebellions in the late 1200s. this is a very complex aspect of the order and it's relations with prussians and other baltic groups who also fought with the order. this, and the fact that the old prussians themselves lived on. the language did not officially die out until the 1700s due to a series of plagues that ravaged east prussia, and while a lot of people did flee the territory many remained and were just exploited peasantry- while the prussian nobles converted and took up positions within the order. there were speared "barbarian" units of old prussians within the order! this and the order itself due to such a heavy baltic influence in fact was criticized and almost condemned a few times there due to pagan influence rising in their ranks (there were reports that the order began soothsaying, doing animal sacrifices before battle and even cremating their dead- all sins in the eyes of the christians). so, the teutonic order didnt just kill all the old prussians in one day. it was a lengthy assimilation process that was more or less complete loooong after the teutonic order no longer existed in prussia. and even despite the death of the old prussian language, old prussian culture heavily influenced the culture of east prussia- the dialect itself continued to have many words from old prussian.

i'm indigenous, so for me i think this whole killing off of whole nations thing in the process of colonialism to be a pretty problematic way of addressing colonialism in this universe.... my tribe has a similar story to the old prussians, many of our nobility ended up joining with colonial powers while the peasants remained peasants labouring under colonial powers. if someone were to depict this as spain or another spaniard having murdered off my tribe and then becoming mexico or something, i think that would be insaaaanely fucked. it was 500 years give or take a few of german occupation and settlement in prussia before the language officially died out- and its been over 500 years since 1492 and indigenous people are very very much still around. tribes exist without even having their language anymore, or just barely. one thing, i think old prussian culture lived on still and maybe even to this day- just quietly. under colonial occupation, colonized people usually keep their culture very very quiet haha. i'd add another few generations on to the point where the culture is officially said to have died out, but that's just me lol. so, i just don't think its an accurate nor necessary way of depicting that history and totally glosses over the complexities of the region and gives credence to unsavoury ideas regarding the relationship between colonizing powers and colonized people, i think

SO what about gil!

well in the way i see it. he would have had to adapt to german culture. this wouldn't have even happened really during the time of the teutonic order, considering how many old prussians were in their ranks towards the end there especially. i think it definitely would have been a horrific, traumatic process for him, but over time i imagine the order would have relaxed a little with him- if they were practicing pagan practices, why would they be punishing him for it in the end there? i think the way hes treated varies from grandmaster to grandmaster lol. some were willing to work with pagans, others were completely against it. depends greatly. so, i think his prussian culture would be a very large influence on him. i dont think he'd have had reason to leave east prussia/original prussian territories for a long time either. in my universe, i have him as being pretty fucking old (around 2000), and he's an adult actually by the time of the teutonic order (i don't age him down because like, why would he be little? the heyday of the prussians began long before the order arrived in their territory.). so he remembers a lot, and continues to spend a lot of time in his original territory. i think he ends up going down to berlin to join the hohenzollerns in the mid to late 17th century, when brandenburg prussia begins the process of becoming a kingdom and actually like doing stuff lol. so then by 1701, he's in berlin, but he's very east prussian. he's very baltic i think! so it's really only.... 300, 350 years that he has been in berlin? as opposed to a 500 year period of teutonic existence and then if he has lived before (as i think he has), however long he has been alive before then. so, i think he'd remember a lot and his original culture would have a big presence in his life and the way he is

thus, while i think he can adapt to germans and the way they are, balts to my understanding are certainly not germans. east prussians were a mix of those cultures. i am not european, so i could be totally wrong about that, but i think for the sake of an immortal non human dude i can also kinda do what i want a little haha. he adapts to germans but is he ever really a german? does he consider himself that? maybe publicly, so people don't bug him about things (like my point about colonized people keep their true cultures pretty quiet), but i think its really a matter of:

you can take the man out of the baltics but you can't take the baltics out of the man.

hope that explained, i'm open to any questions haha i have MANY THOUGHTS!!! i love researching pre christian baltic culture, its super interesting, and i HIGHLY reccomend the book the northern crusades by eric christiansen, i learnt a lot from it.

also want to say, if you go with the teutonic order is gil's origin story thing, there's no shame. this is just a silly fandom. you don't have to go in depth as exploring it as me, i am just insane. this is how it's fun for me, do what is fun for you. but i think we should also remember, these are real stories, and the way we depict things can reflect our current world a lot. sensitivity is still useful i think. but. its just a dumb fuckin anime we are all taking ideas from and changing as they want. have fun kids lol

[paytato435]

Fuck it. Have a funny cut scene from Snapper and Stinkpot, read after Chapter 4.

For context, Synth is my oc who makes weapons for the Battle Nexus.

I rewrote how Casey ended up in trouble and that unfortunately meant cutting this wonderfully silly scene between him and Leo:

"Please Master Synth, there has to be something we could do to help you in some capacity. A trade, a favor, something!" Casey pleaded.

"I ain't got nothin' I need more than job security," he said definitively. “So long as I have my contract, I'm set for life. Now get outta here!" He turned on his cloven foot and clopped out.

That probably couldn't have gone any worse.

-

"Great idea, Jones," Leo grumbled as they shuffled their way back into the lair.

"Hey, I tried, didn't I? Not that your reputation helped any."

"Hey! I'll have you know my last two trips to visit Big Mama went flawlessly."

"Well it clearly didn't leave a very positive impression," Casey grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"This is ridiculous, surely there's another guy around who can get me a pair of decent swords at a price I can afford."

"You're BROKE!"

"BROKE-ASS NINJA!" Casey hears Mikey shout from somewhere nearby.

"Love you too, bro!" Leo calls back, slumping.

Casey threw himself onto the couch, tired and exhausted. He pulled his phone out and checked the date. He cringed when he remembered school was starting in just two days. It was already bad enough that Leo had dragged him out of the house today. He still wasn’t sure he could handle being out in public all day. He prayed he wouldn’t be a nervous wreck.

“Hey… what about Draxum?”

“The warrior scientist?” Casey asks curiously, scrolling his phone. He hasn’t met the guy, but he’s heard… things… about him.

“Yeah! We got weapons from him before.”

“You stole them.”

“Yeah, but that was when we were bitter enemies!” Leo clenches his fist dramatically. “I wonder if he’s still got any just lying around.”

As Casey found out the next day, Draxum did not in fact, have a sword for Leo.

-

"What do you mean you don't have a room with mystic weapons to solve all of our problems anymore?"

"I'm the Lunch Lord now, fool. I have better things to do than outsource a large number of weapons for an army I no longer need. Besides, Big Mama bought the rest of them off me."

"Why does Big Mama have everything?!" Leo groaned.

"She is the majority shareholder in yokai suffering." That was true enough.

-

"Casey please, you have to help me convince Master Synth to make me new swords. I'll do anything!" Casey was too busy eating his Frosted Flakes to answer.

"Anything, pleeeeeaseeeee?"

"'m not gonna lie, yer suvfering am-muses me a bit," Casey garbled between bites.

"You're a terrible person, Casey Jones. Who raised you to be so cruel?" Casey raised his eyebrows, amused. "Wait, don't answer that."

"You 'aveta pologize tuh Synf an win 'im ofer."

"I'm sorry, could you say that again?"

Casey swallowed. 

"You gotta put aside your pride and apologize to Master Synth. Then you gotta convince him to breach his contract with Big Mama."

"And how would I do that?" 

Casey shrugged. "He probably makes bank selling weapons to the Battle Nexus. I don't think you could get a better deal than whatever he's got going on."

"Maybe we can trick him into making me the swords?" Leo grabbed a spoon and started eating from Casey's cereal. Casey added more cereal to the bowl.

"I don't think you understand how Synth works, so I guess I'm gonna have to explain it to you:

Synth is an extremely proud and egotistical individual. (not unlike yourself. "Hey!") Basically every person who's asked him for help gets shut down immediately. ("that doesn't sound like a very practical business model") Until you convince him you deserve it, that is. Synth has a sixth sense for the truth. He can tell by the tone in your voice that you're lying. In other words, you're not gonna be able to win him over with your… usual tricks. Honestly, I only see one option here."

"And what's that?"

"Synth is contractually obligated to only make swords for Big Mama, so all you have to do is make the swords yourself."

"Oh, thas goof. Wade. How do I mage thuh sword?"

"You apologize and ask him to teach you."

Leo spat out Casey's cereal.

"Are you kidding me?"

"No I am not." Casey picked a wet flake from his face.

"Come up with a better plan."

Casey narrowed his eyes.

"You dug yourself this hole. Now you need to get yourself out."

Leo gestured angrily to Casey with his spoon and turned to Raph, who had definitely been sitting next to Leo this whole time.

"Can you believe this guy?"

"Sounds like a good plan to me,"Raph shrugged. "Maybe Casey should be our plan guy."

“Or or ooooorrr….” Leo smiled. “We give Big Mama a new Battle Nexus Champion, and they get the swords for me!”

“And who would do all that for you?” Casey asked with a frown.

Leo batted his eyelashes and sticks out his lower lip.

“No, no way.”

“It can be a shared generational trauma! Come on kid. Like father, like son, like adopted human future grandbaby.”

“That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”

“I agree,” Raph nodded. “And I’ve heard a lot of Leo’s bad ideas.”

“Aw come on, it’s not that bad. You get eternal glory and bragging rights to your friends and family!”

“If you live,” Raph pointed out.

“When you win,” Leo smirked.

"Let's do both," Casey proposed suddenly, putting his palms on the table and standing up.

"Both?"

"Why not? I enter the Nexus and you apologize to Master Synth."

"That sounds like the worst of both ideas, actually," Raph noted, frowning.

"Mutually assured pain," Casey shrugged.

"Two stones for one bird," Leo chuckled.

"Let's make a bet then. The first person to get the swords gets Raph's bed for a week."

"Hey!"

"This just keeps getting worse for everyone and I love it," Leo smiled. "You got yourself a deal."

They shook on it.

----

Maybe they can make a bed over Raph's bed in the future. That shit's gotta be the most comfy thing ever with all his stuffed animals.

[hexcryingwolf]

hey so, like,

i need somebody close to glip to confront them about the Pearl thing.

i need someone to be as upset about the idea of it as i am.

i need it to be the last straw for somebody.

because if none of that happens, i cant even articulate how horrid that is. that the prospect of this accusation doesnt upset people.

i hope its not true. i hope with every fiber of my being that it didnt happen.

but i fully believe it did. four years after leaving that space my want was still for glip to heal, stop hurting people, and become a better person. i was still pretty scared of them, but i had pretty much moved on by the beginning of this year. there was nothing i could do about it, and sharing my experiences would just put a target on my back anyway, so as a lot of huge life changes were on the horizon for me i felt prepared to let go.

but i cant let this go. after years of tending the wounds that community inflicted on my this was a knife directly into my heart.

remember that political thing that happened in november 2016? i was in the flora irc by that time, and everyone was very rattled by it. glip announced that, to put some good into the world, theyd do a commission for anyone who donated x amount to y charity (i dont remember the specifics). id been a fan of glip's for years at that point, and this was an opportunity to finally have something id wanted for a long time.

a portrait of my cat, who i got as a baby, who passed away after almost twenty-one years, from my favourite artist.

they truly did a wonderful job with it. it looked so much like him. i dont have a lot of photos of him, he lived in the pre-smartphone era, so this was a precious thing to me. i had it printed, i got a frame, i hung it on my wall. it meant everything to me.

after all of the stuff that happened to me and leaving flora, it became tainted. now instead of reminding me of something i loved dearly it reminded me of something that hurt me badly. i couldnt get rid of it though. i took it off the wall, out of the frame, and slotted it onto a shelf where i could still see it, if i wanted to. it felt really awful, but i knew i loved that cat more than i could ever fear glip, so maybe someday i could look at it again without being reminded of them. maybe someday that portrait could go back up on my wall as an expression of love for my first best friend.

then i was told about what they had supposedly done to Pearl. and when i tell you i fucking bluescreened when i heard that... it fucking shattered me. it was a cold knife in my heart. the dog stuff was horrid of course but, something about this just broke something in me.

i had to walk away from my phone. i had to go find one of my cats and just. i just sat on the floor and pet her as she lay on the futon and purred and trusted me utterly, like im sure Pearl did for you, glip. she knows i love her, that i provide for her, that i would never bring harm to her. i just sat with her and cried.

im crying now, writing this. my hands are shaking.

do you care, glip?

my husband came to check on me, i told him what i was told and he was disgusted, the correct response. he was angry. he was angry. and for the first time in years, i wasnt scared of glip anymore.

i was fucking pissed.

i wish i didnt have to explain why, because it should be damn fucking obvious, but let me lay it out: a person's pet is their ward. we have a duty and responsibility to do everything we can to give the best lives possible for the animals we bring into our lives. we are their source of food, shelter, healthcare, everything. we are their world. and they should be able to trust that we would never use them for something selfish, because here's the thing: they don't understand the world as we do. theyre animals, they simply cant. WE are the ones who know right from wrong and act for them accordingly. WE keep them fed. WE keep them safe. WE make that final decision that they cant make when their suffering is to much to bear anymore. they trust us to do the things for them they can never understand.

we dont use them for our own sexual gratification. we dont do this because they dont understand that theyre being used, they have no context for how they are being treated, they dont know it shouldnt be happening.

they are helpless.

they are voiceless.

they are the perfect victim.

like a baby who will never grow up and tell everyone the truth.

like a baby, glip. like a helpless, voiceless baby.

and dont you ever fucking try to play the "well she initiated it" card. animals initiate all kinds of shit they shouldnt, things that are dangerous, could hurt them, could make them sick. knowing better is OUR job.

also. uhm. hey. did you know that "well they started it" is a thing child predators have said, do say, will say, about their victims.

here's a 10yo who "came onto" her abuser

here's a dad who claimed his daughter was just "a sexual kid"

here's a daycare worker who said the 1yo he abused was "promiscuous"

and you, glip. using Pearl because she was just "showing you love". just because its a "nicer" reason doesnt make you any fucking different from these monsters in my eyes.

i could not look at that portrait anymore. how could i ever look at him, and not remember what you do to helpless creatures like him. how could i think about what you did and remember you telling me no, of course marl never touched the cats, when i asked you if you were concerned that he might have. seems my worry was misplaced.

i burned the portrait. i took a small cast iron pot into my yard, ripped it to shreds, and spent a two hundred count box of matches on it. one wasnt enough. ten wasnt enough. one hundred wasnt enough. i did not want this thing to exist anymore. i did not want him, my cat, my first best friend, that piece of my soul that left this earth with him, to ever be able to be associated with you. that fire is burning in me now.

i do not capitalize your name anymore explicitly because you are subhuman by my standards. i do not want you to find healing and get better. i want you to face the consequences for all the hurt youve cause. i want you deplatformed so you can finally stop putting so much agony into the world.

if you didnt do it, youll have to convince me. you know my discord.

if you did do it, admit it. tell everyone what you did. you owe it to people so they can decide whether they want to associate with you or not based on it. i think if someone asks you directly, you wont lie about it.

because you dont believe you did anything wrong, do you?

[cantdanceflynn]

plz explain Candace as a Christ figure I am begging. If you already have, my bad. I can't find it.

COPYING THE RANT I DID PUT ON THE BLOG ALSO DW :)))) IM ACTUALLY WORKING ON A SECOND PROPAGANDA RANT

1: LITERALLY DIED IN AN UNHOLY MANNER(BECAME A VAMPIRE AND WAS CAUGHT IN THE SUN) AND CAME BACK BY A MEMBER(OR TWO) OF HER FAMILY RESURRECTING HER(PHINEAS AND FERB)

2: HAS A HUGE CASE OF NECESSARY SUFFERING. WHILE IT HURTS TO SEE HER CONSTANTLY FAIL TO BUST THE BOYS, I DON'T THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY WANTED THE BOYS TO GET IN TROUBLE. THE ENTIRE SHOW REVOLVES AROUND HER FAILURE, ITS NECESSARY FOR ANY OF THE GOOD BITS TO WORK IN THE LONG RUN, MUCH AS ITS CONSIDERED SUFFERING FOR HER.

3: SAID NECESSARY SUFFERING IS **LITERALLY** BECAUSE SHE WASN'T BELIEVED IN TELLING THE TRUTH DESPITE IT BEING THE "OBJECTIVE" TRUTH!!!!! LIKE!!!! IT WAS UNINTENDED BUT SHE'S LITERALLY THE "THEY HATED HIM BECAUSE HE SPOKE THE TRUTH" THING!!!!!

4: DESPITE THIS SHES LITERALLY SHOWN AND CONSIDERED AS A GUIDING LIGHT FOR THE CAST!!!! PHINEAS AND FERB REALLY LOOK UP TO HER, LINDA(WHO I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE BLAME HER FOR BOTH INCONSISTENT WRITING AND THE WHOLE UNIVERSE CONSPIRING AGAINST HER) AND LAWRENCE CARE ABOUT HER DEEPLY(AND ALSO WORK SURPRISINGLY WELL AS PLACEHOLDERS FOR MARY AND JOSEPH ALL THINGS CONSIDERED (AND ALSO NOW I LOVE THE IDEA OF CANDACE DOING SOME ANTIQUING ALONG WITH HER LAWYERING LATER ON)), PERRY ALSO APPRECIATES HER AND CARES ABOUT HER, EVEN IF ITS IN A WEIRD SLIGHTLY STRAINED WAY BC. MINDLESS PET DISGUISE, ISABELLAS RELATIONSHIP W HER IS COMPLICATED BUT ULTIMATELY ISABELLA ALSO LISTENS TO HER MORE OFTEN THEN NOT, BUFORD AND BALJEET ARE BOTH SCARED OF HER BUT RESPECT HER IN DIFFERENT WAYS, STACY IS WILLING TO GO ALONG W HER DESPITE THE NIGH IMPOSSIBLE STUBBORNESS OF HER BUSTING ENDEAVORS (STACY DOESN'T RLY WORK JUDAS WISE DESPITE THE LEMONADE STAND BUT!!! THE HOMOROMATICISM BETWEEN HER AND CANDACE AND THE BEST FRIEND WHO WOULD FOLLOW HER SUPPOSEDLY EVERYWHERE MEAN SHE HAS THE POTENTIAL <3), EVERYTHING W HER AND JEREMY(WHO IS LIKE. I COULD VAGUELY REMEMBER BC IM BAD W NAMES AND FACES AND EVERYTHING IDENTITY WISE LIKE. 90 PEOPLE FROM THE PLACE I USED TO LIVE WHO WOULD LEGIT THINK HES JESUS IF THEY ONLY HEARD ABOUT HIM WITHOUT THE CARTOON CONTEXT/SRS)MY BELOVEDS, EVEN HER PARALLELS W DOOF AND VANESSA WORK IN THIS CONTEXT W DOOF BEING ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF NECESSARY SUFFERING AND VANESSA LITERALLY BEING USED AS AN OPPOSITE BUT SIMILAR IF NOT EXACT FORCE AS HER ON TWO OCCASIONS!!

NOW JUST A BUNCH OF THINGS THAT AREN'T WHOLE POINTS BUT I THINK ADD TO IT. 1, JESUS ALSO HAD A BROTHER NAMED JUDAS WHO WAS UNRELATED TO THE JUDAS THAT BETRAYED HIM, CANDACE OFTEN FEELS BETRAYED BY HER BROTHERS. 2: THROUGH THE CLASSIC SITUATION OF "THE SHOWRUNNERS/WRITERS(THEY WERE BOTH SOME OF THE TIME ESPECIALLY FOR BIG SPECIALS) PROBABLY DIDN'T ACTUALLY MEAN TO IMPLY THAT THIS CHARACTER HAS A SET RELIGION BUT UNFORTUNATELY FORGOT THAT SOME STORIES ARE TECHNICALLY CHRISTIAN", HER TERRIBLE(/AFFECTIONATE) NICKNAMES FOR JEREMY IN THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL INDICATE THAT SHE AT LEAST KNOWS SOME CHRISTIAN STORIES EVEN IF SHES NOT TECHNICALLY CHRISTIAN. 3: BUFORD CANONICALLY HAS A CRUSH ON HER AND HE SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE OF KID TO NOT GET WHY HAVING A CRUSH ON PAINTINGS OF JESUS IS WEIRD/HJ

ALSO ITS WORTH NOTING IM NOT RLY CHRISTIAN ANYMORE(AND I WAS ALWAYS SIGNIFICANTLY MORE INTO OTHER MYTHOLOGIES) IM JUST OBSESSED W PNF AND RELIGION CONSTANTLY. LITERALLY THE THING IN MY LIFE IVE PUT THE MOST WORK INTO EVER IS A "WHAT IF THEY WERE ALL GODS" DEITY AU FOR PNF. I AM BOTH HEAVILY BIASED AND THE PERSON WHO WOULD KNOW THE MOST ABOUT THIS

[bent-visions]

Jeff, my handsome king, my creative, funny, passionate and deeply loving man....you turn my world on its axis with your every smile, every laugh, every smirk, every LOOK that i have the greatest pleasure of catching (because as you know i kinda stare at you a lot lmao. The staring has been getting worse lol. But who can blame me?!?! I am obsessed lol.)

Last weekend was an absolutely amazing time filled with cuddling, laughing, conversing and watching many shows and youtube videos together. I have very few interests when it comes to digital media and im so sorry i dont choose what we watch more often while we hang out. I am very grateful to you for understanding my limited media interests and extreme shyness and lack of confidence in making decisions that involve the both of us. I have noticed today that you have always taken initiative in choosing or offering things to enjoy or do when we are together.

I am going to actively work on improving my confidence and assertiveness, with not only us but for all people in my life. I feel like, i have been so shy and not desiring to make decisions for both of us for so long because ive spent the last almost 4 years learning every single thing about you that i can...because one, you are the most important part of my life and i want to know EVERYTHING about you, and two...because i feel that once ive got your entire personality and opinions and emotions down on everything and anything, i wont be scared to make decisions for US anymore because i will feel more certain and safer of the tiniest possibility you might dislike my idea or be irritated by it...even though you have NEVER disliked or have been irritated by me.

Lol....i know. I have no reason to fear that. As you know my paranoia and subconscious and continuous negativity is extreme about EVERYTHING. (But i am working on that too!)

You have guided me SO much in the last almost 4 years now...from pulling the thickest of veils from my eyes about the abuse i have endured, to teaching me to slowly stop letting my psychosis control my whole life.

You have GREATLY helped me build self worth, you have GREATLY improved my own personal feelings about how i look, and how my body looks...which i have suffered so badly all my life from not feeling like i look anything like the women i feel are attractive. You have taken a great interest in learning who i am, my morals, my past (even though we have agreed not to talk about our past anymore), and all of my personality traits and little quirks lol.

You have displayed and proven how much you genuinely Love me, and the greatest lengths you have gone to just to be there for me and make my life better. One of the main reasons you quit drinking was for me. Just knowing that makes me feel...very deep emotions.

You have been doing AMAZINGLY with your sobriety, better than you EVER have the entire time ive known you. It will be 3 months of complete sobriety for you on Feb 1st.

I want to ensure that you have absolutely zero doubt in your mind that EVERYONE in your and my life that knows you is SO proud of you. I feel that way most of all, among everyone. Everyone, including me, has the strongest hope and belief in you to continue your recovery and remain sober. After your last short relapse in october, i have noticed a GREAT change in you and the way you feel about your addiction. This unstoppable drive and determination to stay sober that has ignited in you has been the most incredible thing i have ever witnessed happen in a person. I cannot explain to you how incredibly grateful and, completely happy for you to have come this far.

If everything we have planned stays on track for our dream of our future, i can honestly say i see no more suffering, no more complete heartbreak in watching each other struggle so horribly or come close to death....no more negativity, abuse, misery, or loneliness.

Our future grows brighter and brighter with every day that passes and our goals come closer and closer to being completed and achieved, one at a time.

We can do absolutely anything, as long as we make it happen together. As we always, always will. With every day that passes i see how much more determined we grow to have a life together. We will be unstoppable once we live together.

TLDR, I love you more than anything or anyone in this vast universe, as i always will. I devoted my entire life and complete loyalty to you a long time ago, and that devotion and loyalty will never change, go away, nor fade.

Thank you for an amazing weekend together my love. I have never and will never be as incredibly, deeply passionate about loving someone ever again, as long as you live and breathe in this dimension and reality we have settled down in and now share.

[ouupwetty]

Also everyone knows how i feel about civil rights

And ppl act like I don’t care about diversity

Like, have you been in a space where you’re seen as beneath for being different, by you ethnicity, sexuality, gender

Diversity normalizes being different

And when you isolate someone due to aspects of them, that are just their identity, you dehumanize them

I cared a lot about intersectional feminism, i shouldn’t have to explain myself? Like if you get it, you get it

And you’re aware I know how anti-blackness exists in multiple cultures, and colorism, and you’re aware that I don’t like the idea of marginalizing others for being different

And yeah, I don’t believe in institutionalized racism for Caucasian people, but I also believe they face a lot of criticism due to white supremacy, it doesn’t represent all white people, but bc of it, ppl will use white guilt

Assuming that will also section people, and dehumanize or make you assume the worst about Simeon you don’t even know, they might even be more understanding about civil rights than me, more educated on it, like bc of being close minded based of off harmful biases, we subjugate groups of ppl

You are very much aware, that beauty is subjective, I like keeping an open mind, giving the benefit of doubt, and not being biased

I do that w everything

If someone comes from a broken home, they should have the opportunity to rebuild themselves, (no I’m not only talking about myself)

And like I can’t believe I have to bring this up to “prove who I am” but I can empathize w a homeless person, bc imagine losing everyone in your life, starving, not being able to shower, no shelter, everyday begging for money, and everyone treats you like shit, ofc you’d go into despair and on drugs, you can’t deal w reality, ppl dehumanize you

Like I asked them if they’re okay

I wish ppl can understand me better

I didn’t expect ppl to witness me speak to her, I didn’t expect anyone around me at all, I didn’t know I was being stalked, she had no shoes on, and if everyone treats you like shit everyday, you won’t be kindhearted anymore

I’m irresponsible, codependent, lazy, fucking gross, I’m a lot of shit

But im also not fucking heartless

I’m a poser sure, I’m closeted, I’m annoying and weird, but why would I try to get at someone when I don’t even know I’m being stalked

Let alone, basically go behind my partners back for a girl on tumblr

My sexuality is meant to be shared w only those who can respect it, and my values are genuine, like I was educated on civil rights for a while, and I had to unlearn things that were normalized

I’m not considerate to a random ass stranger, w literally, I don’t get anything out of it? It’s for their sake

Everyone needs a little looking after, like i even got yelled at, bc they thought I was taking forever to kick out the homeless person, I’m not cut throat

There are a lot of moments, that I don’t need to bring up, and bc I bring it up, it takes away the genuineness out of it

I’m stating that I value the Black Lives Matter movement, I value those who are suffering through capitalism, I value those who have been incarcerated, chipotle helped give employment to those who had been incarcerated, my previous manager was, and she also ended up committing suicide (a sob story ik the mean ppl are gonna say something)

I’m trying to prove my values to ppl, that aren’t just based off of the internet, but by personal experiences, I had a friend who was homeless for a while then his parents took him back in

So while everyone is upset, I had to go against my own values bc of arguments w my partner,

Like, the religious part, I don’t care what you believe in, I’m upset when you use your religion to ignore that I’m dealing w mental health struggles and sexual abuse

Or trying to coerce me into believing in something I don’t, coexisting is fine, I’m rude as shit sometimes, and I’m not trying to be, religion has helped ppl maintain their mental clarity, and they don’t fall into risky behaviors

I’m only offended over homophobia, and I’m very closeted due to that, I try to be hyper feminine, to make up for coming off as masculine

So while every person wants to think “I don’t know who I am”

You don’t know who I am

You don’t think I value certain things, I’m aware, I can be self-centered, and pitiful, and intense

You all don’t understand me, and you all underestimate me, you all constantly seek to over power me, when I don’t even have full on human rights

It’s not normal for me to shower and have sex in front of millions, it’s not normal for me to be hacked and to talk to the earth, it’s not normal to accuse me, just to violate me, it’s not normal at all for neighbors to harass me

So if you want to question what kind of person I am, I might not understand indirect slander, but it’s not like I wouldn’t make an effort to see where someone else is coming from. A “good person” is becoming more subjective now. Can you recognize your values against social influences? Can you recognize your mistakes? Are you willing to understand when it’s not about being right, but understanding when you are wrong?

“Who am I?” I know that, do you?

Like I assumed the worst about Lisa, I’m scared I made her suicidal, I’m scared I had an impact on her. She doesn’t deserve to be put in this position, and neither do I.

Like, I can argue w everyone forever, and just like in my relationship, I’ll be threatened if I’m angry, (people coughing outside my house) idk wtf is going on outside

I wouldn’t fucking harm him like that, I am a whore. But I wouldn’t do that shit. I’m literally innocent.

And given that im not heartless, or cut throat. I’m a cheater. Besides that

Why would I plan messaging all my friends, when I never planned to lose my virginity, I was on my period. I never planned on fucking anything. How would I plan on talking to aldrin? That’s his memories, how would I make Huey say happy birthday, or fucking message me asking “was it ever real between us” and adding me again? How would I fucking plan this shit? I would’ve fucking kept all of my social medias

I kept Snapchat for messages w Arnold

And photos

People are insane

You go off of me falsely admitting, or tripping over my words, and I’m dyslexic too

How would I plan something as I’m going through it? People won’t even look at all the evidence

Where is your logic

Also, there’s records of our texts, and there’s records of me and Huey talking, and me and Ricardo

When I move my head, I’m like here is the proof

I’ve showed it in so many ways, and I’ll continue.

Bc this is for the sake of ppl who DO get falsely accused, and this is for my sanity. I get violated every goddamn day. I’ve lost my sense of safety, my trust for others, and I’m homicidal (emotionally). Wouldn’t you resent the world bc they keep talking about you and watching you have sex. This isn’t fucking normal.

And to see the same ppl who violate me mock me, is a slap to the face. This is literal sexual abuse.

[the-smiling-grinner]

hey uh dont read this 👍 TW vent

okay so basically everything has gone to shit. lets get a lil back story here

so ill be 17 soon (terrifying) and it will be almost 4 years sober of everything and i could not be more miserable. when i was 12 i abused perscription medication during the 2020 lockdown and in the process got into other things (cigs and alchol).

i dont really think that anyone understands how deep it goes. i mean think about it, a 12 yearold already suffering from halucinations, delusions and other things. on two kinds of anti psychotics, drinking, smoking and taking way to many pills. its pretty messed up.

my parents had never been the best but a brain tumour caused my mother to become abusive. i dont remember much of 2020-2021 bc i was either high, drunk, in a psychotic episode or sometimes all three. but i remember some things and the things i do remember are bad. it got so bad that i barely knew what was going on half the time.

safe to say my appearence was less than ideal. i wore a covid face mask constantly. even when you stopped having to at school. and i still wear it. simply bc i know people will make fun of me for it more than they already do if i take it off. as much as i want to stop wearing it, i know i cant.

my hair was dyed black and greasy, my achne was bad and my teeth were messed up. i was over weight, then under weight, then over weight again. i was hidious. evey photo taken of me, i looked through the camera. i had nothing left behind my eyes. i was so close to giving up entirely.

my mother had her brain tumour removed and my life was starting to take shape again. thats when she came in. she was beautiful in every way. i hated her but i loved her all the same. she caused me so much pain but it felt great.

it seemed like a good idea at the time. to date her. but i soon deacovered that she was not like she seemed. in many ways ill not describe. she ripped me appart, absolutly gutted me from the inside. i developed FND (look it up i cant be bothered explaining). my life was starting to go down hill again. i felt sick constantly. my halucinations were terrible and my mental state was even worse. i had sezures and headaches every day.

then we broke up. it was drawn out and long but to leave it all behind was freeing. i felt free for the first time in months. then she back stabbed me. i wont say what happend but this is the reason i can not trust people. my paranoia is through the roof. i constantly think about how everyone is conspiring against me and that they arent really my friends.

anyway. enough about her.

i am lonely and i fear that i will always feel this way. i have friends and a boyfriend yes but they also have friends. my halucinations icolate me. i behave agressively and erratically. nothing as bad as 2021 and 2020 but still bad.

i dont know what to do so i throw myself into school. its all i really do anymore. that and pretend i have friends. i sit at the kitchen bench and speak to no one. i have many friends there. i can act how i want and they like it. i have no one to talk to about this.

i try to talk to God but i feel bad burdening him with it like i am with everyone else. i dont feel good enough for God or any one for that matter.

im nothing like the pretty Christian girls on tiktok who look so pure and sweet. the look so kind. true women of God. i am not. i try to be but it never works out. i look scruffy, my hair is always messed up, i wear weird clothes, im rude, i cuss way too much and im just not a very nice person to be around.

i want to be tho. more than anything i want to be kind. i want to be good enough. and it doesnt even seem like im trying.

i really want cigs and alchaol. to medicate like i did all those years ago but i cant. sinning every day with small things is bad enough but those are worse.

i do my best in school and thats enough. it makes me feel like enough. im good at school. im good at it. im not good at many things but im good in school. i got dux in two subjects last year and finished top 10% of my grade. thats enough right?

every day i feel my sanity slowly slipping away. being replaced by paranoia and horrible halcinatoins. i tell myself that ill never get as bad as i was back then but deep down, i want it. bc this time, people would see it. they would know how bad it is and how my jokes are just a cry for help.

i have been put on more medication as of recently and im scaired. i dont know what it will do to me. will it kill me? will it make me put on weight? who knows. ive already had bulimia i dont need it again.

on top of this, im loosing my best friend. i can see how much they suffer. i can see how bad it is for them. they have made heaps of new friends recently and i am so happy for them but we so rarely talk now. when we do, its great. we used to see eachother every weekend, now we dont. i ask first to hang out and i feel bad, like im forcing them. i dont want to force them.

there was more i could have done for them that night. if it wasnt for those drugs. those fucking drugs. the dugs that i took to take me away from everything. to make me happy. but i wasnt happy. i was insane. i was deranged. surely anyone who looked at me could see it. that night i ripped out 4 teeth. one of them was an adult tooth. a mf adult tooth. i tore out a tooth. i was 13 by then.

i have to make my parents happy and when i dont i feel bad. i want to make my dad happy and go to his house but i hate that house. i want to make my mum happy but it always ends in an argument. i want to make my friends happy but i cant and if they can find friends to make them happy. then thats okay.

i just dont know anymore. everything is so blury. the paranoia is imence. i hate it. anyway. hope no one actually reads this.

there is SO much more but this is all for now

[sulfur1c-4cid]

girl I am not doing all of this these lessons were barely explained so I had no idea there was even more questions so I'd have to like stay up all night to do these because I have a horrible fucking work ethic I literally just cant

if you see my name pls ignore it Im not sure how to blur it out

I hate this bro,,, please just like give me a few papers or some shit I'm fine with that,, I don't think I'll survive school anymore unless I like chug a shit ton of coffee and shackle myself to the desk but even then I can't focus I don't know what the fuck to do

This school just doesn't work for me I legit can just learn all this if you put a vid on in class, gave me a paper and told me to take notes and if you give a quiz on that I ace it, I don't need this shit ton of work that I don't even understand

And I know nobody at school will listen to this lol. If I need anything else I just ask for it and it works or I just look some more stuff out about it. I wish my grade would not suffer because I can't focus and do work that I don't even know if the whole purpose is learning. And I'm fine with learning, it would be great if I didn't need to do a billion things, and now I'm behind because they never explained there was EVEN MORE QUESTIONS I literally just figured this out. I hope my tests take up most of my grade because then I'd be absolutely all A's and B's. I know if I understand something or not.

I feel so petty and shit but I actually can't do this im gonna fucking die in highschool. I think lectures would work for me because I can actually listen most of the time! And the way they're leaning into 'independent learning' which only kinda works because it's so inconsistent for me, it means it would be recorded or something too so I can just y'know, fucking take notes and rewatch it if I need to? I mean if anyone even reads this and knows why they do this or just how to make it work any reply would be appreciated, otherwise I'm just not doing this shit and I guess I'll go back to my 6th grade tactic called "staying up all night so that I can actually slightly enjoy my life and not have to do work all the time".

I know my family won't let me do things anymore until I get the shit I don't need to even do done. I get it but it's so hard and now it's fucking terrible because of 6th because I know what will happen. I guess I will try to listen to music and see if I can mindlessly fill some of this out.