#jeffmylove

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My absolute fav pics of you my love.

Part 7 of pics

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Sweet Jeff, i adore you with all my heart and soul. The sun was unsually warm and bright the first day i ever spent with you, out in the courtyard at ridgeview hospital. I can still feel its warmth today. We layed on the ground in the February sun and talked for a long time. Eventually you fell asleep, and i wandered back inside. That night in between group therapies we played cards and jenga with uno blocks (?wtf were those things lmao) and we goofed off, and i remember distinctly looking at you and studying your face, your hair, your neck. I remember thinking, there is something inside me stirring up, waking up, igniting in me...this guy has got to be the most inviting, attractive man i have ever seen and met, everything he has talked about and told me about himself and his life and his knowledge is so alluring and fascinating to me. Truly everything about you drew me in. It took a minute to pin down why i was so crazy attracted to you, and it is because one- you are very handsome, two- you are the absolute definition of my type lol, and three- i am completely chemically attracted to you. Its just in our dna, we were genuinely meant to be together. I love everything about you. And your past doesnt change any of my feelings about you, just as my past doesnt affect the way you feel for me.

I swear to you, I Love you with all of my heart and i swear to you i will never leave you, i will never cheat on you, and i will never abuse you.

I have devoted my entire life to loving you and i will always choose you as my partner for the rest of our lives, as long as you will have me.

Thank you for everything you have done for us baby. I love you.

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Your monthly (weekly? Lol) reminder that i love Jeff with all of my heart, soul, mind and body and will love him for the rest of my life and even in death. I adore you Jeff. You have made my life incredibly better and we dont even live together yet. I cant imagine how amazing our future will be when we can fall asleep in each others arms at night and cook meals together filming our YouTube channel idea "two schizos and a frying pan" lol. We have so many fun and exciting plans for the distant future, and even really fun and exciting plans for my birthday at the end of next month :') not including our plans for next week 😂😂 even though we have always kind of been long distant we have made it work and we always spend a few nights together once a month, and thats how it will be until we can move in with each other this year. I can live with that, because the precious time i do get to spend with you gives me the strength and motivation to work my ass off for another whole month before we can have quality time together again. Even with an illness that is always tearing our minds apart, I love you so much my handsome, intelligent, charismatic, funny, polite, kind, compassionate and SO loving man ❤❤❤❤❤❤ Thank you for everything you do. I am yours forever ❤❤❤

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I love you so much Jeff. I love you more than anything and anyone i have ever loved, so much that i question if i even knew what love was before i met you, when love has been all that i am my whole life. You changed the direction and focus of my life from the loop i was stuck in of attempting su!c!de and then recovering just to try to ki11 myself again and again, to focusing on planning for a future with the man of my dreams and learning new and better ways to love you loudly and proudly. You have no clue of your worth Jeff...you hold this entire world for me in your heart, every goal every ambition and every dream involves you. You are forever mine, and i am forever yours. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you.

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This is another short love letter for Jeff that i am completely infatuated with you in only the best of ways. I love you more than walking through warm nature on a beautiful, sunny, breezy day the morning after an attempt on my life. I need you more than a lost traveler needs the bright light of the moon on the darkest night. I want you more than my baby izzy wanted her cod, sole and shrimp fancy feast, which speaks VOLUMES because her whole meaning of life revolved around her wet food lol. I crave you more than a life-long inmate in the highest security prison craves a single cigarette.

Experiencing you is experiencing all the star dust of the universe, disguised as the most handsome and incredible human man i have ever known, in every one of my life times.

I Love You Jeffrey. I am the luckiest woman alive to have met and to love you and be loved by you.

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I only took these pics for Jeff and didnt intend on showing anyone else but i figured this morning looking back on them why not post them.

This is the dress i wore when i met up with Jeff for the first time outside of the mental hospital, April 16th 2021, one day before we started dating. It was this dress and perhaps my aura that meaningful day that when i walked into the starbucks next to the hotel we would stay at, as soon as our eyes met we both were flooded with endorphins and dopamine. We both told each other later that at that moment, we both got the most intense, most powerful butterflies upon seeing each other for the first time outside of the hospital. To this day we still talk about that rush of a feeling that morning in starbucks. I dont know if this happens to him, but every time i see him in person again (we only see each other once a month, sometimes once every two or three months) i feel that rush of dopamine again. The electricity/butterflies are much calmer now because i know what to expect every time we are together, but i still live for that feeling. Maybe the only reason i experience that feeling is because we are long distance and seeing each other is such an amazing rewarding treat, but i like to think my Jeff Butterflies that visit my stomach often enough simply exist because of the depth of my love for him.

I am grateful for you and the incredible emotions you bring me, my love.

I Love You.

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Jeff, you are working as hard as you can on better-ing yourself again to be the best man you can and crave to be, and i have all the faith in this universe that you are going to make it all the way through and beyond the hardest parts of recovery and start to really thrive in sobriety with me. I watch you grow stronger and more determined than ever to live a sober life every day and its the most incredible, most powerful and personally to me most impactful growth ive ever witnessed in a person i have loved, and it means all the more due to how profoundly and strongly i Love you. I will support your every step in recovery and i will be right by your side with every new challenge you face in sobriety. I have never been so sure of a mans capability to do something than i am of YOUR ability to live a sober, love-filled future, with me loving you on every journey we will ever take. Just know your every challenge, every journey, every adventure will have me standing right beside you, holding your hand, 150% behind you all the way.

We will face the future side by side my Love. This i swear, on my life, my families lives, and on the most important life to me, your life.

I Love You.

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Jeff, my dearest,

You are the singular most handsome, intelligent, passionate, loving, polite, kind, understanding, forgiving, and attractive man i have EVER known and ever WILL know 💖❤💖❤ you seem to never get tired of comforting me and reassuring me every time i start to stress, worry or panic about something or when im struggling with something. You also never seem to get tired of encouraging me when i often have no confidence or love for myself. Your endless stamina in being the most perfect partner for me, reminds me of the endless stamina and effort i have for you and will always give you to keep you feeling happy, healthy, sober, satisfied, important and most of all Loved, forever and always. My endless, limitless, boundless, and powerful Love for you has ALWAYS given me 200% motivation in working as hard as i can to be the absolute best partner i possibly can be, solely for you and you alone. Ive never had any trouble with listening and understanding the feelings and point of view of others, but during the last three years while loving you i believe i have developed and toned that skill a lot more. I have never fallen so hard and so quickly in Love with anyone before in my entire life, you immediately became the most important person in my life the day we started dating. I couldnt help but take this insanely powerful and passionate Love i have for you VERY seriously.

It was easier than breathing when i chose to devote my life to you my Love.

I hope you get lots of great quality rest and relaxation and your physical and mental pain lessens as much as the universe will allow for today. I pray that your overwhelming anxieties are subdued and easily controlled, even if just for today.

I hope this post improves your day today and makes you feel so very Loved my dear, because you truly are.

I Love You Jeffrey 💖❤💖❤💖❤💕💕💖❤💖💕💕💖❤💖❤💕💕💖❤💖

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Oh Jeff, my sweet sleeping boy. I adore you so very much. I can imagine your peaceful expression as though you were sleeping next to me. I would do anything for you if it improved your wellbeing or even your entire life. I will be by your side all day, every day, tomorrow and every single day after, the same way i have been for the last 4 years this April.

I have expressed the nonexistant limits of my endless devotion for you many times. Both to you and to the world. If i had never met you i never would have seen the truth about so many people that i spent my whole life choosing to do so much for, who all were using me, abusing me, or treating me like shit and a doormat.

((Jeff: this next paragraph you dont have to read, in it im just talking about my situation directly before i met you ❤))

My long-term case manager i had been working with for many years, after my attempt in 2021 she very seriously warned me that because i had spent so much time in mental hospitals for the last 5 years, that the next time i came into any hospital for a psychotic or any kind of mental episode, that instructions for any hospital i went to were put in my medical records, that upon observation for psychosis to call the police and have an officer or two drive me to the state institution in chattanooga where i would be involuntarily admitted until i could prove in court in front of a judge that i could function and be sane long-term. After she told me this she added that shes seen people in my situation be forced to go there and she was never able to get them discharged, so it was likely i wouldnt get out.

When im doing decently i think back to being told that and i feel INCREDIBLY grateful that my case manager had informed me of my situation while i was NOT entirely in psychosis. When she told me that it was the 5th day of my recovery in the hospital from the attempt i made on my life. On the 5th day the doctors asked me which mental hospital i preferred, Moccasin Bend or Ridgeview. I was dealing with severe S.I. and therefore could actually understand and remember all the important things everyone told me.

ANYWAY, if i had chosen to just give up and go to moccasin bend because i genuinely had no hope and believed i had no future...if i had chosen moccasin bend instead of ridgeview, i never would have met you Jeff. Many mental hospitals have changed my life, some for better many for a lot worse, but there will never be another hospital experience that i can compare to meeting you in that building. Because that experience completely changed my life more than anything in my whole life has.

How fate and destiny had such incredible plans for us. We both were hospitalized for the same reason, which that reason had little to do with us both having schizophrenia. We both had attempted. In different cities, at different times, but fate ensured that my admission would not be changed to "voluntary" instead of "involuntary" until after we had approached and talked to each other.

Even when i was changed to voluntary i didnt choose to leave. Mainly because i was seriously suffering and not coping well at all, and the only thing that made me feel better or even just as close to okay as i could be, was talking to and spending time with you my love.

I am spending 3 and a half days with you starting in TWO days, after not getting to spend time with you since mid september last year...the heartache from the distance between us and the loneliness of not having you beside me worsens with every week that passes.

But it is okay. Because we both are superhumanly strong, and absolutely nothing that happens to us will ever tear us apart or put emotional distance between us.

We will have an amazing time and make the most of our weekend together my love, i promise you. I have worked my ass off for weeks to be able to afford a decent amount of time with you, even if only a weekend.

I love you so very much my handsome, passionate, kind, polite, considerate, compassionate, empathetic, funny and incredibly intelligent, sleeping partner for life and beyond. I will never ever leave you for your flaws, faults, or struggles. I love every single thing that makes you YOU. This is fact, forever and always.

I know you struggle to read long posts because your phone screen is cracked so bad so im going to wrap it up now and stop going ON and ON. I have spoken our truth to the world enough for now.

So, as i lay down to go to sleep for work tonight, i want you to imagine my head on your chest, one leg thrown over yours as we cuddle as though we were immaculately cut puzzle pieces. I want you to listen to the voice recording im about to send you, and try to feel me there with you, laying beside you, whispering the words i say in the recording,

"I Love You Jeff.

You will hear from me again the moment i wake up tonight.

Sleep peacefully, with only comforting, soft dreams, and feel my love for you surrounding you always.

Goodnight my Love."

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Jeff, my handsome king, my creative, funny, passionate and deeply loving man....you turn my world on its axis with your every smile, every laugh, every smirk, every LOOK that i have the greatest pleasure of catching (because as you know i kinda stare at you a lot lmao. The staring has been getting worse lol. But who can blame me?!?! I am obsessed lol.)

Last weekend was an absolutely amazing time filled with cuddling, laughing, conversing and watching many shows and youtube videos together. I have very few interests when it comes to digital media and im so sorry i dont choose what we watch more often while we hang out. I am very grateful to you for understanding my limited media interests and extreme shyness and lack of confidence in making decisions that involve the both of us. I have noticed today that you have always taken initiative in choosing or offering things to enjoy or do when we are together.

I am going to actively work on improving my confidence and assertiveness, with not only us but for all people in my life. I feel like, i have been so shy and not desiring to make decisions for both of us for so long because ive spent the last almost 4 years learning every single thing about you that i can...because one, you are the most important part of my life and i want to know EVERYTHING about you, and two...because i feel that once ive got your entire personality and opinions and emotions down on everything and anything, i wont be scared to make decisions for US anymore because i will feel more certain and safer of the tiniest possibility you might dislike my idea or be irritated by it...even though you have NEVER disliked or have been irritated by me.

Lol....i know. I have no reason to fear that. As you know my paranoia and subconscious and continuous negativity is extreme about EVERYTHING. (But i am working on that too!)

You have guided me SO much in the last almost 4 years now...from pulling the thickest of veils from my eyes about the abuse i have endured, to teaching me to slowly stop letting my psychosis control my whole life.

You have GREATLY helped me build self worth, you have GREATLY improved my own personal feelings about how i look, and how my body looks...which i have suffered so badly all my life from not feeling like i look anything like the women i feel are attractive. You have taken a great interest in learning who i am, my morals, my past (even though we have agreed not to talk about our past anymore), and all of my personality traits and little quirks lol.

You have displayed and proven how much you genuinely Love me, and the greatest lengths you have gone to just to be there for me and make my life better. One of the main reasons you quit drinking was for me. Just knowing that makes me feel...very deep emotions.

You have been doing AMAZINGLY with your sobriety, better than you EVER have the entire time ive known you. It will be 3 months of complete sobriety for you on Feb 1st.

I want to ensure that you have absolutely zero doubt in your mind that EVERYONE in your and my life that knows you is SO proud of you. I feel that way most of all, among everyone. Everyone, including me, has the strongest hope and belief in you to continue your recovery and remain sober. After your last short relapse in october, i have noticed a GREAT change in you and the way you feel about your addiction. This unstoppable drive and determination to stay sober that has ignited in you has been the most incredible thing i have ever witnessed happen in a person. I cannot explain to you how incredibly grateful and, completely happy for you to have come this far.

If everything we have planned stays on track for our dream of our future, i can honestly say i see no more suffering, no more complete heartbreak in watching each other struggle so horribly or come close to death....no more negativity, abuse, misery, or loneliness.

Our future grows brighter and brighter with every day that passes and our goals come closer and closer to being completed and achieved, one at a time.

We can do absolutely anything, as long as we make it happen together. As we always, always will. With every day that passes i see how much more determined we grow to have a life together. We will be unstoppable once we live together.

TLDR, I love you more than anything or anyone in this vast universe, as i always will. I devoted my entire life and complete loyalty to you a long time ago, and that devotion and loyalty will never change, go away, nor fade.

Thank you for an amazing weekend together my love. I have never and will never be as incredibly, deeply passionate about loving someone ever again, as long as you live and breathe in this dimension and reality we have settled down in and now share.

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Jeff!! I Love you SO fucking MUCh ARGGGG. My passion, devotion and purely genuine Love for you has literally not lost a smidge of momentum all these years. In fact, i truly believe it grows stronger and stronger every single day.

Because of that continuous build-up, i have had a subconsious, impossible fear that one day all the atoms in my body will self destruct because of how many incredibly powerful emotions flow through my whole being every time we are together, even if i just see your picture, even just THINKING about you brings me these great emotions.

Being with you, especially in person together, is the most amazing experience..because im getting to be in the same room with the one person i absolutely adore, admire, swoon over and look up to, more than anyone i have ever known.

You are my hero, you genuinely saved me from death and, at the time, a closely looming, deep insanity. Mostly same way i have done for you, as you've told me.

I have said it thousands of times and i will say it again because it is my strongest truth: out of every single blessing and miracle my god has bestowed me, I am the absolute MOST grateful for our destiny of attempting to leave this world at the same time, resulting in the fateful day we met.

I believe it was February 22nd, 2021, three days before i was discharged from Ridgeview. I got to spend three wonderful days learning you, memorizing your profile, the way you moved your lips when you talked and your frame when you leaned against walls or walked, plus the ways you displayed your emotions and kept a solid poker face consistently. I did this because from the moment i first laid eyes on you, i thought, "This man is INCREDIBLY attractive and i desperately want to speak to him." Lol.

I remember vividly watching you walk boredly around the ward the first day you arrived, and the moment our eyes met for the first time..that feeling is still indescribable. As we talked and got to know each other better, the energy, electricity, curiosity and emotions rapidly grew, but honestly..i knew there was something extremely important about you.

I have been drawn towards you ever since i first saw you and that has only grown to become complete and endless dedication, devotion, loyalty and eternal Love for you.

I swear this on my life, my families lives, my precious fur babies and my relationship with my God. Which all of is extremely serious...

:

I will always Love you, more than anyone i have ever known and anyone i will ever meet again. I will Love you forever as we walk this life together, i will Love you forever even if the tiniest chance that you grow tired of me and leave me. I will Love you forever if you are alive on this earth or not...

Every single day is a new day, and im sure there will be some days that huge things happen which could easily flip our lives upside down. We will have our bad days, bad phases, bad mental health episodes.

BUT those dark times will totally pale in comparison to the much more indescribably amazing, joyful, comfortable, safe, HAPPY years we will spend the rest of our lives enjoying.

Being by your side forever is my biggest dream for my(our) future. I dont care how life ends up treating us. I will be loyal to you and be by your side forever, even if we are living in a car or under a bridge, even if we have absolutely nothing, even if your or my schizophrenia worsens to the point that i can no longer speak or even recognize you anymore (God please...dont let that happen.)

And especially, i want you to never forget this...even if you have a slip up and relapse again, even its continuous relapses, even though witnessing your most severe suffering and having to live with knowing i cannot save you, it always has to be You that chooses to live, and it has absolutely broken my heart again and again..i SWEAR to you i will never falter in supporting you, being there for you, Loving you, believing in you, helping you, and being your rock/anchor to stay on track in your life.

And i say this next part with 1000% faith and belief in the consistent determination, effort and ability that you have to be sober and stay sober. But if a horrible day comes, and the doctors tell us that what they were warning us about your health is happening...i will NEVER abandon you or give up on you, and i will always, ALWAYS Love you with this passion for our Love that only constantly grows. I will never stop telling you that I Love you, even if the darkest possible days blindside us and i know for a fact i will never hear you say it back to me again.

Our bond is eternal my Love.

Be true to yourself, but only in the most positive ways you can, like youve been teaching me. Together we will let go of our negative habits and start manifesting a brighter, more positive life.

I look forward to every second we will spend together for the rest of our lives my darling.

I know you are going to go to sleep soon so that you can stay on the same schedule that i have for work, (VERY kind of you my love ❤)

So i will post this quietly, to add another of my Love letter novels to you in our facebook memories.

I Love you so much my handsome man.

I wish for good, successful and restful sleep for you tonight, and the most peaceful and softest dreams to comfort you all night.

I will message you as soon as i wake up, as always.

Goodnight my most precious and deepest Love.

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Dearest Jeff,

Distance only brings us closer it seems.

I watch you in the deep black night sky. Her vastness engulfs me in the same tempo as your love for me does when they compete at night. I watch you in the moving grass as the wind brushes against them, akin to the way your scarred hand gently brushes my cheek. I feel only the softest and most gentle of touches your textured hands are capable of, despite what they have been through. I watch you in the coldest eyes of others, i see the extent of your wickedness, the violence you are capable of, long organized away in your past. Now distanced phenomenons i will never witness in my lifetime. I have never felt safer with anyone else before in my life, except perhaps as a very young girl in a fathers arms, too young to even speak. Now my safety flows through you. In painful nights, in negative rooms far away we promise each other, the pain of our differing pasts will never reach us now. Your love reaches into my past and makes a home in it, it comforts the younger me and convinces her shes going to make it, despite the 0 to 100 odds that were against me time after time. Your love has reached beyond you, beyond me, but now into my past, changing the broken young woman that believed she would never be worth more than her body, changing the woman i would have been if i were to not had a chance to know you. Before i met you, i did not know how much i was missing you my love. In this i mean you are the missing bottom gear in my being that i had never known was missing. The gear that was needed for all of them to turn, to teach me how to be a functioning person with self worth, self esteem, confidence, assertiveness, self love, mental stability, positivity- all of it. Now that your love fills my chest and my gears are all turning together, i am discovering every day, completely new experiences and aspects to how it feels to be truly loved, how TO truly love, and so much of how to be the woman i never believed i ever would be.

Im sorry to end this short, love. But it is half past 3 and i must beg for sleep again. I just wanted to leave you something sweet to wake up to and be able to remember forever.

I Love you so much, my Jeff. Good morning.

❤💖❤💖❤💖❤💖❤💖❤