#im in tears i cant do this anymore
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Im one step away from ending it all
#astral writes#tried doing a maths paper#i was absolutely dogshit at it#im in tears i cant do this anymore#i literally tried so hard at school#and I’m here failing at everything#rant#breakdown liveblog ig
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OK JUST A LITTLE THING BECAUSE IM INSANE @cubbihue
Song: Plastic by Cheekface
#IDENTITY HORROR MY BELOVED#I want to watch him fall apart#I need him to explode#fop#fairly oddparents#fop a new wish#fairly oddparents a new wish#animation#animatic#art#digital art#fanart#body horror#I sent in an anon ask a bit ago about Chimmy being able to accidentally destroy himself if he realized what he was#and that idea makes me so so so crazy#The slow dawning horror that you arent yourself#followed by the horrific deterioration of your body as a direct result of your knowlege#like a punishment you cant undo#a horrible cycle of falling to pieces reinforcing this horrific reality and that horrific reality tearing you to pieces#you know now. you cant go back even if you want to#and the visual symbolism body horror of literally falling into pieces. AGHGhgh he's hollow in there just so you know#He could stick his whole arm in and not reach the back of his skull its just a dark pit completely hollow and unnatural#I like to think if you looked deep enough you could see stars#AUGHGH STRIPPING CHARACTERS OF THEIR HUMANITY MY BELOVED#removing even their basest comforts. Even their body isnt familiar to them anymore#Its this strange horrifying thing. What will it do next? Was it ever theirs? Should they be afraid?#and in my hands the answer will always be yes#Sorry Im going insane I love your au#I like characters who cling on to humanity that can never be theirs ♥
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thinking about Julia cutting off the crusts on Jude's sandwich....thinking about Jude buying Julia little bird earrings.....thinking about Jude being genuinely interested in Julia's work.....thinking about Jude and Julia talking about Harold's odd thanksgiving food tradition.......thinking about the cookies Jude made for Julia's lab........thinking about Julia's anger when Harold tolerated Jude's cutting......thinking about Julia reading to Jude in the hospital..........thinking about Julia keeping Jude company in the kitchen bc they both dont care for sports.................thinking about despite his aversion to touch, Jude kisses Julia goodnight.............thinking about Jude and Julia.........................
#thats her baby#yall thats her baby#tears in the club rn#im gonna off myself#theyre the most mother and son of all time#ohhhhhhh i cant fucking do this anymore genuinly#a little life#a little life play#jude st francis#een klein leven#a little life book#julia altman
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Love slowly but surely becoming the odd one out in my circle for not using chat gpt even though it would "make my life so much easier and i could spend less time revising stuff" /neg
#“you need to learn how to use it if you want to make money” says my mom#“you should use it to sum up those huge texts so you can study them easier in less time” says my best friend who's technically also anti-ai#“you should—” how about i start fucking biting#little bit of my soul dies everytime i hear smth like that#at this point i dont even know why i hate it so much anymore. i just do. i guess its the principle of it. it's core. but it's everywhere#it tires me out and im so tired already#cant i get help without having to ask a machine for it? is it really all there is left for me to turn to? did i fall this low? did we?#it wouldn't even recognize whats important and what isn't#i think I'll just tear a nerve from stress on my own#sighs#delete later maybe#i dont think i care at this point#sunshine talks
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Hey remember when I said that this was the most frustrating thing about being a Helluva Boss enjoyer?
Yeah I was wrong.
The most frustrating thing about being a Helluva Boss enjoyer is explicitly stating multiple times that I like show and then get called an anti and homophobic and media illiterate when I complain about the direction it has taken.
I LIKE the comedy
I LIKE the animation and artstyle
I LIKE the more serious plotlines like the government agents plot and the Cherubs plot
I LIKE the themes of friendship and found family
I even like most of the songs!
And ofc the voice cast slays every time
But just because your show has angst and tears and drama and sad music doesn't automatically make it "good".
Just because your characters are queer doesn't automatically make them good or well written characters
This fandom is so frustrating to deal with when you want to express your more nuanced takes of it
This is probably gonna be the last post I make about this subject and about Helluva Boss in general, this shit is too stupid to deal with
#still cant get over how i got called an anti and homophobic and media illiterate for saying:#'damn i wish the comedy show written by comedians had more comedy in it'#you can absolutely 100% write a comedy show with a more serious plot thread running through the whole thing#some of the most memorable and popular animated shows are just that#you got Gravity Falls The Owl House the Tales of Arcadia trilogy She-Ra ATLA etc....#fuck it even the first few seasons of Voltron for crying out loud#but the problem im having with HB is that its not a comedy with a serious plot thread anymore#its all drama all tears all angst with the occasional joke thrown in here and there#most of the shows I mentioned start off with episodic comedic adventures with hints towards the more serious stuff here and there#but the Stolitz drama started in the FIRST EPISODE#(in my opinion) the best eps of s1 are the ones that have little to nothing to do with Stolitz when we're given time to get to know the team#because we got to have FUN first we got to see the team dynamic in action#if the “serious plot thread” in HB was Blitz's relationships why didnt he apologize to Moxie and Millie in Apology Tour? or Loona?#or his FUCKING SISTER??????#the government agents and the Cherubs plotline makes x100 more sense as a serious plot thread for the premise of the series anyway#i could go on and on about this but I wont cause Im tired of thinking about this#this is stupid#im gonna ENJOY HB when I can#but that doesn't mean that there arent SERIOUS narrative issues with the series#and if you enjoy Stolitz good for you#peace and love#but its not something I can overlook#helluva boss#helluva boss critical#helluva boss criticism#helluva boss critique
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let’s see your thesis
it's published, but i haven't read it in years.
#fun fact#when i was about to publish my thesis#like literally a week before I was about to submit it for review#My computer blue screened#and i called my mom in tears and said im dropping out of school right now#and she took it to her tech friend#basically said listen... if he cant fix it you can drop out#luckily he was able to retrieve it lol#but i wouldve legit dropped out if it couldnt be retrieved#that fucking paper was 70 pages and had like 50 figures embedded inside of it#and a million sources#i was not re doing it#i was not re doing my trial stage#i was emotionally wrung out by the work load and by the fact that i couldnt stand being in neo nazi spaces anymore#was driving me actually insane
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This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason
#started playing breath of the wild again a week or so ago after a youtube video about why we put down games showed up in my recommended#i can link the video for anyone who wants it but the most helpful advice in it for me was to just. try playing it for two minutes#if all your fears were right and you cant get back into it then you can put it right back down after the time is up#but if youre enoying yourself then you can keep playing#a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it#bc one of the biggest things i love about botw is that for the most part. link doesnt level up#theres no attack and defense stats that level up as you earn experience and make him mechanically better at fighting#for the most part its YOU the player leveling up your fighting skills with practice#...but that also meant that after so long away from the game i was scared that i would have lost all my skill at it#and the learning curve would be too great this late in the game (literally the ONLY main storyline thing left for me to do is fight ganon)#but i played for two minutes and i remembered how much i loved the game. like firsthand not just vague recollection#so ive been running around doing side quests and exploring and now it doesnt feel like im stalling the final battle anymore#it feels like im just intentionally taking time to fully experience the game#and after getting combat practice in again with my exploration im finding out that my fears were wrong!#if anything im even BETTER at combat now than i was when i put the game down#back then i was still terrified of facing lynels and walking guardians#but now im taking them down before they can even get one hit in on me!#im so proud of myself and im having so much fun#so. for anyone else out there. this is your sign to do the same#rambling#maybe once i finish breath of the wild i can even finally start on tears of the kingdom 🙏
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sniffling trembling snot running down my face
#maispace#HIS SMILE. HIS SMILE !!!!#i cant do this anymore im ab to burst into tears#bsd u mean so much to me
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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The choice from Sunday is kinda weird cuz the options are build a cage in the house for the bird or build a nest where it fell and one leads to the bird growing up but dying once its set free and the other one probably leads to it dying much sooner. They both feel like the same option and even tho obviously the most kind, caring, morally right thing to do is keep it inside so at least it lives longer even if it's in a cage. But like to me both options suck and are basically nothing cuz I'm sorry if I look like a bad person for this, but I'm not sorry, but I'm not fuckin touching a wild animal. Even if I knew it was there even if I bothered to check out the sound to find a bird, which I wouldn't, I'm not touching it. I'm not even getting close enough to find out it's too young to fly yet. Whatever happens to it happens man and I'll never know what happens to it cuz I'm not even gonna look at it. Like, where's the 'you seem like an asshole but really it's quite a normal choice' in this whole trial thing??? That's usually an option you can pick. Sunday!!! Sunday, listen!!! There are more than two choices!!! You don't have to always do something!!!! You can just walk away!!! You don't have to try to do something for everyone all the time!!! Think about yourself sometimes!!! It's not selfish I promise!!! SUNDAY!!! OH MY GOD HIS WINGS ARE COVERING HIS EARS HE CANT HEAR US!!!!
#i genuinely dont wanna pick anything#like okay. i know they dont have animal control or a shelter in this setting. but irl genuinely just call some people and see if theyll take#it if you wanna do something about it.#you are not getting my ass to touch a wild animal of any kind. i dont care what the situation is#i was asked once if i could help take care of some baby mice a friend accidentally ruined the nest of and a shelter wouldnt take them#and i was like. im sorry but no cuz i know for a fact im not equipped to handle something like that and i dont wanna touch wild mice and#i KNOW at least some of them will die and i wanna now have to deal with dead mice. and you know what happened?#the friend couldnt keep up with how often they needed to be fed and they died. and now you have dead mice.#something could have happened where they survived outside like the mom came back and fixed it maybe or at least one fended for itself#like its a shame the nest accidentally got ruined but it was an accident and things like that happen all the time#yes its an accident you caused but in the case of something like that i really dont think its suddenly your responsibility now#and i know itll make you feel better to try to make up for it but now you have dead mice#and i know for some people at least trying to help makes them feel better but now we're at the point where i just dont understand#i just cant comprehend the feeling or the idea or the thought.#so its like. i get sunday feels like he HAS to do something for everyone all the time but its genuinely turning him into a monster and he#cant see that. like trying all the time despite getting nothing done will tear you apart. let yourself rest#do the small things you can do around you. dont put the weight of everything on you all the time otherwise you wont get anything done#and youll start thinking not doing anything isnt even an option anymore#i promise its okay. take a break.#im not even referring to sunday anymore. you 🫵 its okay. take a break. make yourself feel better#then come back to things with a clearer calmer mind and do the small things you know you can do#dont force yourself to do everything because you feel like you have to. itll be okay. i promise#hsr 2.2 spoilers#hsr spoilers#oh right this is a spoiler post ifnfjfnfk#long post
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#might kms instead of going to the anime con tomorrow#there is literally no fucking end to my tears#shut up luci#delete later#i hate being alive i cant fucking do this anymore#my apaetment flooded and all my shit is ruined and my mom called me just to yell at me and i fucking dropped my grocerys so now theres glass#and juice and shit everywhere and i forgot like half the things on my list but the store just closed#plus im STILL fucking sick im still running a fever and throwing up but i keep it pushing but i only feel worse its been like a week#im not looking forward to my london trip anymore i literally have no joy left in me
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Just watched round 6 of alnst. They're my 13th reason why. My Roman empire. They're the most to ever. I'm just going to throw myself into oblivion now.
#leaf yapping#live sobbing in the metro rn#i have nothing but a SOCK to wipe my nose#everytime i think about it i burst into tears again#im gonna fucking lose ot#laying on the ground for this one#ive genuinely been feeling physical stress for this round#and now im feeling pain#i cant do this anymore#vivinos ur on my blacklist now#ong i cant take this#im so mentally ill about them#its all over#ivantillover#im sniffling like i got 7 diseases from the middle age
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watching jojos right now
#im seriously on the verge of tears i cant do this anymore#I COULDNT FOCUS ON JUST THE EPISODE SO MY IDEA WAS TO HAVE LIKE SUBWAY SURFERS AS A JOKE BUT#UM#IT ESCALATED.#muffin mumbles#jjba#finfin#rtvs#family guy#subway surfers#<- tags by request of my sister who is streaming this for me
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just saying for the sake of transparency that im at like. suicide risk level one billion due to the fact that my parents have made it so i cannot use their money to buy alcohol anymore and i am unemployed and have only 85 cents accessible to me so like. after the One Singular Bottle I Have Right Now runs out i dont have any way of getting more. i am not fucking ready to get sober and the thought of having to quit entirely is not something i can fathom being alive for, im serious.
i dunno. i want to have my voice drop. i want to read kowt. i want to bury my parents so i dont get deadnamed during my funeral. but the amount of days that is, days filled with so many unfathomable moments of agony, days where i will suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer, doesn't feel worth it to me.
#luke.txt#suicide mention#i dunno. im sorry. im so sorry.#this isnt a suicide note to be clear. just like. if i suddenly stop posting. yeah.#the worst part is i cant even drink about it because if i drink about it i wont have anymore and i need to save it i need to be able to kno#that its there if i need it#this isnt even cosmere im sorry im so sorry#this is going to sound like a shitpost im sorry i swear its not but please please please dont let sadeas/dalinar die with me#im half the fucking ao3 tag i dont want it to never update again if i kill myself#ive been gross ugly sobbing for the last 2 hours i dont know how i still have tears in me#i dont know what to do. im sorry. im so sorry
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the urge to go missing
#to tear everything down become a completely different and unrecognizable person then start again as somebody else#need a traumatic head injury or something to wreck my personality so bad#id like to not be myself anymore#im not really convinced i exist to anyone outside of the select few within my bubble#dont feel like a real human being . i feel like some nebulous concept which only exists as a name and nothing else#but even that aside my personality is justtttt. fine. its fine#good in small doses but apparently makes it impossible to make friends unless they come to me first#and they wont come because they do not care enough to do so. or because im meant to do the reaching out but cant because i need a invitatio#i cant reach out i dont know how to. im awkward im boring i have nothing of interest to ask or say#people only like the idea of me#im not nearly interesting enough in reality
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LoD readers give a shit about women challenge failed once again
#i am. SO TIRED.#this isnt the first time i see ppl maing “haha wedding scene funni” jokes when it fucking ISNT#catti was TERRIFIED of what wulfgar had become but was in a situation were calling off the wedding would be extremely difficult#bc the entire alliance with the barbarians hinged on that wedding (which is partly why it falls apart after wulfgar's death)#wulfgar is constantly terrorizing catti and almost killed drizzt out of jealousy!! and catti cant easily leave!!#all drizzt and bruenor can do is hope that he calms down before it gets bad#and even then. bruenor keep insisting that as part of her wedding she does rituals that seem to denigrate her (the apron)#and remind her of her role as a woman (essentially giving up her freedom to stay at home/the forge)#entreri didnt accidentally get caught into organizing a wedding he infiltrated it to exploit an already precarious situation#and actively made it WORSE to further his plan bc remember he is there to tear the companions apart and kill drizzt!!!#its not a funny situation! its not fucking funny! catti's situation parallels the beginning of a domestic abuse situation!!#im so fucking tired shes one of the most important characters in the series and y'all cant fucking treat her beyond explosion jokes#bani.txt#im putting this in the tags i dont give a shit anymore#legend of drizzt#catti brie battlehammer
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