#im having rough days so i cant tell anymore

[justxtalking]

I just read what togashi said about the ending of hxh and I can't tell if he's being serious or just joking again

[aether-weather]

manifesting summer rn (it's 18 degrees)

[malka-lisitsa]

[coastxlwaters]

Yawns and stretches

Well uh... I wasnt planning on making one of these bc i appreciate everyone so much i cant put it into words... But ah. Lets go

This is gonna be extremely cheesy, also remember im making this half asleep and even fully awake i couldn’t explain how much i care for you all

No specific order, lit just what pops up as moot first:

@escapetheslaughters Hey Ze! I love your ideas and creativeness, even if at times i have to back away due to my uncomfortableness with ykw related topics. You are by far one of my most trusted moots even though i trust all of them with my life, and i wish i could call you my father, but im happy to atleast call you my friend

@eternal-soup Hey soup, god you have pulled me through some rough times without even knowing it. I cant tell you how much i treasure our few and far between interactions but god you are just a great person to call my friend. I cant put it into words for how muchi care for you, but if i ever hear that someone was rude to you i would go to war on your behalf

@eclipsen-smiles Hey Clips Mod, i dont know you too well but you do take up a special place in my heart, you are a very wonderful person with great character building, i wish i could say i knew you more but i respect that you find more likeness in others and not me, im just happy that i know you well enought to call you a friend

@theinfamousmaybelle hi maybelle!i dont know you too much but when we do interact it calms many of my always frazzled nerves!

@im-just-a-dumb-gay Hey Gay, oh god icant put into words how much i appreciate you. You wereone of my first ever moots and i am so happy i have had the fortune to have you in my life

@inkyucu Hey Inky! We may not interact much but i hold you near and dear to my heart, you always know the right thing to say somehow and always make my days better!

@itsahotminuteinbetween hey minute! Oh god, agajn, i cant put it into words but you are a treauredpart of my life i could have never hoped for, as i aslent lurker myself i always understand you not being able to interact much due to social anxiety and i appreciate whenever you become braveenough to interact with me, i am trying to telepathically hug u as i type this i hope you feel it-

@obsessivecelestial i havent known you for long, Celestial, but you make people i care for happier than i ever wish i could, please, please continue to be their friend because you have an untouched power for making people happy

@o-i-w-u hey Charlie! I miss when we were able to interact alot, but i still silentl lurk through your blog for memories of when we would interat alot. You pulled me through one of the roughest times i have ever had and i still appreciate the hand you offered for mine

@potatotato-26 Hey Tato, god, i miss you so much. I think about you every single day, your anxiety about uour art, your little quirks, you bring light to many people and i ask you continue to do so even if ur not in the tsams fandom anymore, u will forever be one of my role models

@strawberry-arrowtip Prime, Prime, Prime, i cant put inro words how much i just LOVE u /p, you have been there for me since my early days under the user of ’CoastxlWaters’ or ’Xellia_eclipse’ you have been one of the best role models for me and i cherish ur existence in my life, though i cant decide whether you are brother figure or father figure <3

@froggielovescoffee Oh Forrest,god your terrifying in a good way, i cant believe i have an amazing artist following me of all people, much less being able to call you a friend!

@h-didanart H, H, H H H H, god I have always loved your stuff and always will your aus fascinate me and your support for whenever I try to do something has never went unappreciated, also, you made one of my absolute bestest of friends as happy as they are, and I think you know who they are, wink wink

@just-a-normal-nova Nova I cannot stress how much I care for you, you are literally part of my family in my head, your older brother btw💥 but anyways, god i hope you get the man ur looking at and i hope you are the happiest you can ever be even if i have to someday leave you behind in my online life

@knizuu Same as your brother, Knizuu, i cant put into words how much i care baout you, i am hugging you and burying my head in ur chest out of appreciation rn

@letthebloodrunlikeariver we dont talk much but for fuck’s sake you are treasured, treasured i tell u, treasured.

@liminal---nightmare-aliza oh Liminal- oh god i miss u so much... I hope you are living a great life even ifim not even noticed in it

@loony2star LOONY, LOONY LOONY LOONY, OH LOONY, GOD I CANT PUT MY APPRECIATION INTO WORDS BUT YOU ARE- SOSOSO- GREAT? AMAZING? TREASURED? SOMETHING LIKE THAT!-

@creaturenamedchoir Choir i literally cant say anything when it comes to you, when i do all i end up seeing in my head is me hugging ur sona with my shark onesie with caption: ’Big brother’

@brightsstar i dont know u that well but ur creations lighten my mood every time i see one!

@multifandomcutie13 oh god u are so treasured in my life i think ill cry if i try to explain, even if u are ominous smt with ur messaging and get the wrong idea you are still an amazing person!

@mellonaide-skys KASHI, I think you know how much i appreciate you, i could make entire posts for every single one of my moots and you would still be in my mind waiting for ur turn to be yelled at with appreciation

@morriganfey i call u every day, u help me through some of the worst times in my life, i cant put my appreciation into words but everytime i hear your voice i smile and my self deprecating thoughts become a little less heavy, i care for you more than almost everyone else on this list. I am sorry for anyone else reading this, but Fey has heard me crying and helped me more than i could even hope for

@capring *sobs into ur chest* i care for you so much i cant tell you how much of an impact you have made on my life and not sound like im overexagerating but you certainly had a huge impact like Fey’s, i care for you deepky and wish i could flick a wand and watch yoir worrkes melt away

@librarian-computer My unbelievably anxious friend, you are treasured and u can talk to me about anything, though i do ask that u message me when u lose motivation for an rp so i can cut it off or try to help <3

@bittyfromquotev you are a role model and i cant say nothing else without sounding really, really crazily happy and i sadly have reputation to uphold

@sunny-inajar ifyou killed me i would die happily/silly but actually, you were one of the biggest motivations in my life and you continue to be, im so happy i have the continued ability to call you a moot

My hands are hurting from all this typing and i know this isn’t everyone byfar but im in more pain than i am in when doing chicken scratches to vent-

I love all of you

So much

I am so tired and slow

I hope i worded this right

But you are truly gifts in my life

Everyone of my moots and people i trust

You are all gifts

[lovieku]

GOOD LUCK, BABE! #3 ⋆ 정국

what happens when you leave everything behind, only to be faced with it again years later? eunbi is convinced she was given another shot at keeping all she ever wanted, but it’s difficult when that all is her childhood best friend who doesn’t want to do anything with her anymore. how to earn his trust back?

☾ pairing: non idol!jk x fem!oc

☾ genre: childhood friends to strangers, friends to lovers, angst, fluff, smut

☾ word count: 9k +

☾ warnings: explicit language. say hi to eunbi!!! and to the friend group!!! its a bit funny until it becomes angsty … ouch. jeongguk is a bitch lowkey. pun unintended (you’ll see). theyre dramatic as hell. like bro it cant be that serious 😭. im sawrry for this. and its not all!!! see you in fourth chapter 🫡

☾ author’s note: hi hi hi!!! this took a bit to fully convince me but in the end it did. i was frustrated because i felt like i couldnt really use my words properly to tell the whole thing but… here we are now!!! thank u!!! enjoy 🫶🏻

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three ⋆ this is me trying

Up to that point, Eunbi’s life has been a constant adjusting to new surroundings, leaving bits and pieces behind, getting attached to new ones, and hoping they wouldn’t be taken away from her. It would always end up as she feared it would, though. From as early as she can remember, Eunbi would live off her blue backpack, where she gathered a toothbrush, a change of clothes and her favourite plushie to help her sleep and adapt faster to the smaller bed at her dad’s house. When her parents had divorced, it had been a rough patch before the both of them could come to a legal agreement; that being, she would spend the weekend with her father, and then stay with her mother again until Friday rolled around.

She rarely looks back at those days now, but when she does — mostly at night, her mind seemingly incapable of putting a stop to her furious flow of thoughts and just sleep — she thinks if it hadn’t happened to her when she was still pliable and mouldable, when she was yet to be met with what ordinariness was supposed to look like for others, she wouldn’t have been ready to wholly face all that followed. Eunbi was young when she learned that love between two people could end so easily, and her innocent self accepted that as the norm.

As a result, what she found harder to accept, more than her own mother and father not even being able to stand next to one another without ending up quarrelling, was having to leave her small black poodle in Gwangju, with her grandma, after moving away to Busan. Curly (little Eunbi had given him that name for obvious reasons, and to this very day she finds it dumb, but it makes her giggle nonetheless) had been a great companion through the inevitable loneliness she had to face as an only child. She was convinced he could understand her better than no other, even when she would force the tiny creature to sit and listen to her ramble on.

Busan was the next big change that was pushed onto Eunbi, only a few years after her mother got engaged to a man that would soon replace her biological father: with time, sleeping over at his house for the weekend was no longer even a contemplated thought on his side, coming up with excuses after excuses as not to, and that slowly led to showing less and less interest in keeping up with her and meeting up. The little girl had always been numb in relation to such negligence, and because of this she could consider herself lucky in some distorted sense; it didn’t affect her as much as it should have.

Part of that was also due to her step-dad being a great father figure during the initial times of his and her mom’s relationship, making sure to adapt to Eunbi’s pace and boundaries, never overstepping while also being able to bring fun into her life by taking the family out to visit places and eat delicious meals. What he couldn’t do for her, however, was live with a dog. When he and her mother decided to finally move together following their wedding, they both agreed on wanting to restart from a brand new place. Busan was their perfect pick for a variety of reasons: her mom got offered a job at a recently established company that seemed promising, and her step-dad could fulfil his deep-rooted dream of expanding his by starting a new branch.

Every single thing about him seemed perfect to her mom’s eyes, even if he was apparently deathly allergic to dog’s fur. And, of course, she picked her husband over Curly. Eunbi couldn’t believe it, nor accept it. The girl cried over the small dog for the two weeks prior to moving, during the trip to Busan, and for the following days there. Her grandmother would keep her updated by sending pictures of Curly through email, and even after the scar had healed, those would never fail to make her tear up.

As shameful as it might be to admit it, after having dried herself from half the water that made up her body because of the constant crying, it didn’t take long for the scar to close. When she first stepped foot in the big city by the seaside, Curly showed up right in front of her. Just in human form. Big eyes, long black hair and puppy manners, her neighbour was definitely sent to her by something greater. Eunbi was obsessed. It didn’t show at first, her pride prevailing. But it was harder and harder to fight against it. Jeongguk was simply too easy to love.

They became inseparable. Wherever he was, better believe she was there too, attached at his hip. And if they showed up alone, people would naturally ask about the other. Because the moon is never seen without its stars, and sunflowers only ever turn to face the sun. Their bond could be perceived by anyone as unbreakable, a friendship to envy and wish for, and every brick that built it had resulted in the creation of their own safe haven that only had space to contain the two of them. Not anybody else could be let in, the bubble exclusively recognised their password. It wasn’t composed of words, or numbers. It was the look of understanding they would share; the white lies used to cover the mischief of the other; their own handshake, accompanied by an original friendship jingle that Eunbi came up with randomly; the assurance that they could reveal their biggest secrets to one another, and they’d be kept like an oath.

There’s many of those that Eunbi shamelessly revealed to Jeongguk, some with intent and others unleashed spontaneously during their many endless talks. But when she thinks of it, she never admitted the single one that really mattered, the one that her best friend in the whole world needed to know, and remember. At all times. In any circumstance. It wasn’t a secret, it was more a result of her pondering; it came to a full reasonable thought only years later, and by then it was too late to tell him.

Eunbi thinks, and she’s sure, Jeongguk was the reason why all that came before the two of them had to happen. If it didn’t, she would have spent her whole life looking for that missing puzzle piece: under the cushions of the couch, in between her bed sheets, accidentally thrown away in the bin. It was as if all the hardships she experienced were justified, because at the end of the tunnel Jeongguk was waiting for her. And everything finally made sense. The puzzle was complete. Jeongguk was the reason himself. He was sent to teach her an important lesson: everything happens for a reason. There’s a cause and an effect, and even if the cause was suffering, at least the effect was her favourite boy.

Then, a gust of wind had wiped the puzzle to the ground, every single piece losing its place. When her best friend was taken away from her, she stopped being so convinced with the thought she herself had harboured, because she suddenly couldn’t find the meaning behind such a cruel fate. If everything really happened for a reason, then what was it? Jeongguk helped her see colours, only to return to black and white. Leaving him behind had marked the death of a version of herself that she would never get back.

Seoul was big, and harder to adjust to, even more with the baggage she was now dragging behind. Unpacking it, she found out all she had brought with her was a shattered trust and a soon to be broken promise to never get attached again. It was hard to be faithful to such an imposition, when Eunbi was born to give out love. It was hidden in that luggage, in between fears and regrets, but surely present.

And it prevailed in the end. Even at a slower pace, love found its way up and helped a lost Eunbi navigate the big capital city, promising new beginnings and healing. She found that in the faces of people that she would then start to recognise as friends, inside warm cafes during the coldest days of winter, and in the certainty that no matter where she is, she is always looking up at the same moon.

What she has built in Seoul so far feels the closest to stability that she has experienced in years. Starting university and meeting Dahye was the last bit of convincing it took to make her consider once again that a reason could exist, and that in the end it would make sense. Maybe not totally. Maybe just partly is enough after all.

Until, seeing a pair of familiar starry eyes in the midst of dull ones was all she needed to firmly believe in what she had been finding hard to accept. It took one shared look for past and present to get blurred together, and the mixture of old with new feelings created a mess. It was nice, nonetheless. Better than the seemingly impossible to get rid of emptiness at the pit of her heart.

Behind her eyes, Eunbi could see the puzzle slowly reaching its final form again, this time with more missing pieces, but the image was at least recognisable. When Jeongguk showed up in front of her again like magic, she contemplated becoming religious. Getting to her knees and starting praying to whatever greater force was shining on her path to please keep doing that. None of that showed on the outside, her smile breaking and mirroring the expression on the boy’s face. Pure sorrow. She knew she was probably the last person on earth Jeongguk wanted to see, and the fact that he wasn’t even trying to mask it didn’t help.

The most rational response she could come up with at that moment was to act as if nothing ever happened. And then, the bricks that a long time ago held together their safe bubble were being used by the boy to raise a high wall between them, making sure accessing his space would be impossible for Eunbi. Who could blame him? Still, the happiness she shamelessly felt when Jeongguk showed up at her 20th birthday party was too consuming, she selfishly wished for the rest of her birthdays to always look like that as she blew the candles. Nonetheless, when he suddenly left sprinting on his bike she knew the gods would need time to grant her desire. Although, this time around she had faith.

She doesn’t know how long it would take for it to break, though. September getting closer and closer only means that Jeongguk’s birthday is just around the corner. As part of his friend group, she had been involved in the process that led to organising the surprise camping trip, even if she didn’t exactly participate. After all, she doesn’t get to say she knows the boy better than anyone, anymore. Jeongguk has evidently changed, and as a consequence she knows way less about him than the others.

For that exact reason, Eunbi had made various attempts to back down from the trip, fearing her presence could significantly ruin it for the celebrated boy. At first, she tried to be casual about it with Dahye, since she’s the only one she’s opened up to about the whole dilemma, “I think it’s better if I don’t come. After all, it’s a friend trip. I’m not really his friend.” To which her roommate only replied with bullshit, proceeding to type away on her keyboard. That did not help whatsoever.

Then, the night she was too tipsy to take a taxi back home and Jeongguk had offered her a ride on his bike, she came home with a smile on her face only to burst out crying in front of a just as drunk Dahye. In between sobs, she begged to be left out of the trip, “Ple- Please, Dahye. He hates me. I can’t stand it.” Her friend tried to shush her whines, pushing Eunbi’s head on her chest and consoling her, “He doesn’t, baby. I’m sure he doesn’t.”

As a result of that night, Dahye had then sat her friend down with the intent of fully convincing her to be present for Jeongguk’s birthday trip for a number of reasons, “It would be rude to not show up after he was there for your birthday. And also, what if you two end up talking about… things! And everything gets solved! That would be nice, wouldn’t it, Bibi?”

Eunbi had just nodded all the way through the motivating speech, not really understanding nor believing her words, but apparently they were enough to lead her to the present moment: awkwardly squished between Dahye and Jimin on the couch of her flat, while they animatedly converse with the others to approve on the trip schedule. She has never felt so out of place before, not only because she doesn’t feel like she has a say in the whole discussion, but also because as time went by the two friends by her side kept shifting to subtly get closer to one another, not realising they were compressing her body in the process. To the point she is forced to get up, the position she was in being too uncomfortable, and sit on the ground under the couch next to Namjoon.

She can feel her movements being followed by a pair of curious eyes, and when she looks up to meet them, she finds out they belong to the origin of all her worries. Before Jeongguk can divert his attention elsewhere, aware he was caught observing, she gives him a quick tight lipped smile. It goes dismissed, as if it hadn’t happened. Ouch. It’s okay, Eunbi can take it. She used the few days prior to this to mentally prepare. She knows she’s not exactly welcomed anywhere near him, that’s why she made a silent secret pact within herself: whatever happens during the trip, don’t be a bother to Jeongguk. Stay away from him as much as possible, and if not possible, then do anything to avoid putting that frown on his face, exactly the one he’s sporting right now. On a second thought, if just looking at her gets him to react like that, maybe it’s best to mentally wipe that off her list of things to keep in mind for Jeongguk’s birthday camping trip.

With there still being a day left before their minibreak takes off, the girl can already tell it’s going to be hard to follow the flow of that list, Jeongguk making it obvious her presence could have been avoided before the vacation has even started. Still, she remains composed and brushes off what had just happened, instead focusing on the main topic of conversation.

The group (Hoseok) has decided to meet to go over the schedule one last time because, “Everything needs to be perfect, guys. We can’t afford to slip!” It’s still Hoseok talking. Eunbi learned that he had always been the one in charge of organising events and little getaways when it came to the friend group, his obsession with keeping everything under control coming in handy in such scenarios.

Not only that, but the reddish haired guy is also amazingly quick on his feet, and in a relatively short amount of time he has managed to find the perfect excursions and experiences to go over during the trip, making sure every day spent together would be filled with fun activities that he knows the birthday boy is going to look forward to. In between what he has arranged there is cycling, canoeing, trekking, and more stuff that Eunbi can’t keep up with. Surviving this is going to be made ten times harder by the amount of energy that is going to be expected out of her. She sighs at the thought, looking down at her manicured nails. She just got them done, and now they would surely break.

It takes a few seconds for her to realise the sudden silence that fell above the room, and when she looks back up she’s met with eleven pairs of eyes staring at her. She straightens her posture, suddenly too aware of being perceived, and she deduces her previous exhale had been released with more energy than intended. Hoseok sweetly smiles at her, “Anything you don’t agree on, Eunbi?”

The panicked girl opens her mouth to justify herself, her eyes getting wider and shinier with embarrassment, but Dahye beats her to it, “Bibi, didn’t you say you, like, hate cycling? I’m sure we had a whole conversation about it.“

Eunbi is mortified. Her eyes jump from Dahye to Jeongguk, trying to get her best friend to shut up while also registering the boy’s scoff and muted roll of his eyes. Oh god. Her whole be-lowkey-and-make-yourself-unnoticed plan just shattered in a matter of seconds. She can feel Jeongguk’s eyes bore flaming holes into her skull, his arms crossed and his legs furtherly stretching out on the armchair. If she still had a small, tiny hope left that he didn’t fully hate her, she just witnessed that shattering in pieces too.

She quickly shifts to sit on her heels, her hands frantically shaking to try and save her face for what she could, “No, what? I love cycling. Seriously, I’d do it everyday if I could.” She chuckles shakily while subtly shoving Dahye’s knee next to her to signal going with the lie. At first, Dahye looks clearly confused: she was so sure of that information about her roommate. She furrows her brows, looking down at a panicky Eunbi widening her eyes. It takes only a few more seconds for her to suddenly get it, shaking herself from her doubts and catching the ball, “Oh, right! You do! I got it confused with, huh… something else.” The girl mutters that last part only to join her friend in a nervous laugh, and an apologetic smile. Best believe Dahye is going to hear about this later.

Hoseok looks just as puzzled as the others, but nonetheless he nods, announcing the schedule has been officially confirmed. A collective acclaim fills the room, only for the boy to stop it with a raise of his pointer finger, “Now, I will assign you guys in your respective cars.” Which is comically followed by a joint groan, and some protests. Hoseok ignores them, and goes on reading off his perfectly planned out Word document.

”Namjoon is the first driver, and he’s travelling with Iseul, Seokjin and Sora,” he looks up to briefly check with the mentioned members to see if there are any complaints, then proceeds. “We’ve got Yoongi with me, Aera and Taehyung. Then…” Hoseok squints his eyes while scrolling down the document, and those few seconds of silence are enough for Eunbi’s thoughts to anticipate what is about to follow. She lowers her head, unwilling to meet Jeongguk’s glare when Hoseok says, “Jeongguk is driving with Jimin, Dahye and Eunbi. All set?”

The positive response is quick, even too rushed and disregardful of what was said, as Namjoon and Taehyung have been impatiently begging for the never-ending organising to be over so they could order food and finally fill their starved stomachs. No one pays any mind to it, but Eunbi and Jeongguk stay quiet, while Jimin and Dahye share a knowing look. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

The evening is spent in the cramped living room of Eunbi and Dahye’s shared flat, eating pizza and letting a random movie play, which soon only functioned as a background noise the moment Taehyung started a game of Would You Rather. Even if Yoongi initially shushed him, everyone eventually became more delighted with Seokjin’s unthinkable suggestions than with the film, “Would you rather be trapped in a small room with 10,000 tarantulas for 10 minutes, or eat 10 tarantulas in 10 minutes?”

Eunbi tries to let herself be distracted by the content smiles on her friends’ faces, even feels less distressed when she notices Jeongguk relaxing as well, but that doesn’t stop her mind from overflowing with all the things that could potentially go wrong. It inevitably shows on her face, and in her unusual quietness. She has been pondering on the last information Hoseok had shared about the confirmed schedule for hours now, worrying it was going to start the trip on the wrong foot. There were all the best intentions to not poke the sleeping bear, but she fears being in the same car as him is going to stir him awake.

After the group leaves the apartment at past 1 a.m., Hoseok checking with everyone that they’ll show up at 8 sharp tomorrow morning in front of the same building they’re now parting ways from, Eunbi releases a long sigh as she closes the door behind her shoulders. Dahye catches the look on her features immediately, taking her pretty face in between her palms, “I’m sorry for earlier. I was trying to help.” She pouts, and it makes the shorter girl chuckle.

Eunbi shakes her head, dismissing her apology with a small it’s okay, and freeing herself from her friend’s hold so as to avoid meeting her eyes, instead busying herself with tidying up the mess in the living room. Her flatmate looks at the strangely silent girl narrowly, “What are you thinking? Please, don’t let it be something stupid like I don’t wanna drive in Jeongguk’s car.”

When all Dahye is met with is silence, she knows that specific something stupid is flowing in the other girl’s head. Eunbi spends the next hour packing and letting Dahye think she’s wholly convincing her distressed roommate nothing could go wrong from just being close to each other, and if anything, it could be a starting point.

For the sake of getting at least three hours of sleep before the long drive ahead, Eunbi fake promises her friend that she won’t let such thoughts haunt her mind and stop her from enjoying the holiday (she was forced to repeat those exact words) knowing she’s going to let them do precisely that. She also ends up staying awake all night either way, trying to come up with a reasonable excuse that she can use to ask Hoseok if a small change would be possible, hoping it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to him and his perfect plan.

When the following morning rolls around, the group gathers in the courtyard of the flat complex as instructed hours earlier by Hoseok, who looks like he’s on the verge of a serious crisis when it’s one minute past 8 a.m. and Taehyung still hasn’t shown up. Eunbi fears for her life when she taps his shoulder as delicately as she can, still unable to avoid a jumpy reaction from the boy, who then relaxes when he sees the girl’s sweet smile. That lasts for about one second, because when Eunbi softly asks him if they can talk he’s back to puffing out panicky breaths.

She hesitates a moment before uttering in one single exhale, “I’d rather not go in Jeongguk’s car.” Faced with Hoseok’s perplexed stare, she goes on explaining in a rushed, messy speech, “It’s nothing personal, really. It’s just- Iseul! Yeah, Iseul begged me to be in the car with Dahye… She doesn’t know Sora that well so she said it would be way too awkward. I can go with Namjoon!” She ends it by trying to sport a convincing grin on her lips, but with the way it looks like she’s being held at gunpoint to smile it’s doing the exact opposite, not helping in hiding her own panic at all.

Hoseok takes a few seconds to process her request and read her expression, but in the end he just shrugs and nods enthusiastically, “That’s okay!” He then claps his hands twice, recalling the others’ attention who comically snap their heads in unison, hanging on the boss’ lips, “Tiny change. Eunbi doesn’t wanna be in Jeongguk’s car, so she’s going with Namjoon.”

For the second time in under 24 hours, Eunbi is so embarrassed she prays the ground to swallow her whole. Hoseok doesn’t seem to be making a big deal out of the way he worded his announcement, busy typing away on his phone, probably updating his Word document with the recent change. The others don’t look too fazed either, accustomed with the two infamously not being too fond of each other for no apparent reason, except for Dahye and Jimin: the former is looking at the girl incredulously; the latter has shifted his attention to his best friend.

Eunbi can feel cold sweat dripping down her forehead, the weight of the world crushing on her shoulders. She’s afraid to follow Jimin’s line of vision, but as she slowly does, it leads her to meet Jeongguk’s intense gaze, a slight pissed scowl hardening his features along with his brows almost meeting at the bridge of his nose. His all black attire composed of an oversized t-shirt, cargo bermuda shorts and chunky sandals matches perfectly with the look on his face. He seems confused, and unnerved. And sad? This is not how things were supposed to unfold.

Under such pressure, the girl impulsively releases a nervous laugh, her whole face red with awkwardness, “It’s not like I didn’t- Okay! I’ll just go wait in the car.” Her head hangs as she distances herself from the group, finding an escape from Jeongguk’s disappointment in Namjoon’s car. She bangs her head on the dashboard a few times, making the most of the last minutes alone she’s getting before departure.

Starring in that shitshow was not on her list of things to keep in mind for Jeongguk’s birthday camping trip in any way. On the contrary, what she has been trying to do is going by the rules of the list itself: stay away from Jeongguk and don’t be a bother. Instead, the opposite seems to be happening every time she attempts to be nice to him so as to not be a hassle during the trip. Releasing a shaky breath, she hopes her intentions wouldn’t be misinterpreted by the boy, as she tries foolishly convincing herself the telepathy between them still exists, at least to a small extent. She was only doing this for him. To make it easier for him. Please, please send this telepathic message to Jeongguk.

Connection probably isn’t working too well, because when they all get to the destination after a fairly long ride, Jeongguk still looks pissed, shutting the car door with more energy than required and unloading the luggages, taking his and Iseul’s to the entrance of the camping site. Eunbi narrows her eyes as she observes the scene, the short haired girl thanking the previously annoyed boy and effortlessly putting a smile on his lips, and she almost doesn’t notice Namjoon urging her to move. She abruptly shakes herself out of that trance, relaxing her hands that had subconsciously closed into fists, and takes her bags out of the car. As she clumsily drags them on both of her shoulders, her Converses do little to protect her soles from the rocky ground, and she groans. It’s not like she was expecting Namjoon to carry her baggage, she can do it herself. But as she keeps watching Jeongguk easily handling all that weight, she huffs.

The campsite looks amazing. The space that the group has at their disposal is huge and wholly surrounded by nature, making it the perfect getaway from the chaos of the city. Not too far, in between trees, a glimpse of the sun reflecting its rays in a large lake can be caught. Eunbi witnesses an excellently carried out jam session, with the lively enthusiasm of her friends on microphone, birds on percussion and cicadas on bass. She smiles, and sighs contentedly. Dahye’s words from last night echo in her head, don’t let this stop you from enjoying the holiday, and today she wants to believe them. She’s glad she chose to wear jeans shorts instead of cargos, the heat slowly but surely rising, and a flowy white top that keeps her fresh, for now.

Hoseok instructs them to get to work, and they do. All their bags are gathered under a big ancient tree as each couple and trio starts (tries) setting their tents. While they’re busy figuring out how to ensure the tent won’t fly away, which Taehyung fears particularly, Jimin and Jeongguk offer themselves to go and fill everyone’s water flask at a nearby drinking fountain they had found. Eunbi kneels down to fish hers out of a blue backpack and goes to hand it out to Jeongguk, who’s collecting Dahye’s bottle. The boy smiles at her friend, but it gets wiped off when he shifts his gaze on Eunbi’s shorter figure. The moment is brief, and awkward: her big unsure eyes stare into his hardened ones, arm extended out to him, wondering if there might be something funny on her face for him to turn so serious; she hesitantly lifts her brows, waiting for something; Jeongguk looks her up and down, only to not acknowledge her water flask, and just walks past her.

Eunbi is dumbfounded, the tip of her ears reddening as she remains paralysed with her hand out, even after Jimin collects her flask, muttering something close to Don’t mind him, please accompanied by an apologetic smile. She regains consciousness of her surroundings only when, beside her, Dahye can’t help the snort coming out of her mouth, trying but failing to save it with her hand. The still shocked girl slowly turns to face her amused friend, mouth slightly agape and left eye clearly twitching, “Did he just… act as if I don’t exist.”

The situation shouldn’t be funny, but to Dahye it’s the peak of comedy as she keeps giggling the more the slow realisation of what has just happened shows on Eunbi’s features. Obviously, the latter can’t find one single reason to laugh about it, whining while the taller girl pats her shoulder, still smiling, “You really need to talk to him.”

The targeted girl ignores that, biting her nails nervously, ”Was he saying anything about… me, in the car?”

Dahye lifts her brows, shaking her head, ”Nothing. He’s probably talking shit about you with Jimin, though.” Eunbi follows her pointed finger and catches Jeongguk animatedly discussing with his flatmate, balancing the bottles in his arms, before they turn a corner. Eunbi fusses, lightly tugging on her braided pigtails, and she feels helpless as even the friend who’s supposed to be supporting her through all of this is chuckling at her. Despite being shorter, when Eunbi shoves Dahye’s shoulder she manages to make her stumble, but that doesn’t stop her laughs, though.

”You’re building the tent on your own.” Arms crossed and pout on, Eunbi isn’t joking as she goes to sit under the tree surrounded by bags and ignores her name being called out. Rather than reacting to it, she spots tiny bugs between the grass and inspects them for a while, pretending it keeps her distracted from what’s plaguing her mind. Soon after, with her knees to her chest, watching those ants working to transfer food from one side to the other inevitably gets her lost in her thoughts. What is she doing wrong? There’s clearly unresolved problems between her and the boy who brutally ignored her existence minutes ago, but she thought maybe if she started seeking for truce, then he would too. His response, instead, makes her realise no matter how much she tries, it’s apparently not enough to mend what happened all those years ago. She messed up worse than imagined.

The constant pondering makes her lose track of time, and she comes back to reality with undesired outcomes that she convinces herself to be true. When she recovers from the (as she has deduced, deserved) humiliation, Dahye has already set up half of the tent and Eunbi walks over to her bashfully, “Sorry for being childish. I’ll finish this, Hye.” The girl just smiles softly and nods, sending her a flying kiss that makes Eunbi chuckle before taking her previous spot under the tree. At least Dahye doesn’t hate her.

It takes her a while to figure out what to do but she soon grasps how hard a seemingly simple task can be, feeling bad for letting Dahye do a great part of it on her own. Still, she needs to work fast as lunch time is approaching, and everybody around her is almost finished. She has been crouching on a particular spot on the ground for a while now, trying to properly secure an angle of the tent unsuccessfully. Until she groans exasperated, puffing her hair out of her vision and lifting her body up to find a solution. She tries stomping on it a few times, but it doesn’t work, and if anything it worsens the situation. Huffing out, with her hands on her hips she looks around for help, and the first person her eyes fall on is Jeongguk.

He was already staring at her, comfortably sitting on a deckchair with his legs spread and sunglasses on. His tent looks perfectly set already, with Jimin seemingly fixing the inside of it. His hand is covering his mouth before he uses it to lift his glasses over his head, and is that a smirk? They both stare at each other in silence, Eunbi still struggling to breathe, and she hesitates slightly until her eagerness to be over with the tent becomes stronger. She speaks up to make herself heard over the small distance, “Can you- help me?”

Jeongguk narrows her eyes at her, initially not answering but not even moving from his relaxed position. The girl is ready to be met with silence again, but it’s something worse when he opens his mouth, “I think Namjoon would be happy to do that.” He’s as stern as ever as he returns the sunglasses on the bridge of his nose, furtherly spreading his whole body on the chair and facing the sun. Only then, he releases a content sigh, smiling slightly.

All of this cannot be real. What does that even mean? Eunbi can feel her eye start to twitch again and she needs to clench her jaw to stop it. It’s okay. Breathe. She unexpectedly but successfully manages to hold herself from exploding on him, both overwhelmed with tent building and frustrated with his behaviour. She can’t really decipher what led him to not only act cold, as he usually is with her, which is fine, but also mean! But no problem, she’ll try once again. It costs nothing to be nice. And she tells herself she’ll stay that way, even if she’s met with the opposite, until he breaks.

The storm of negative emotions tormenting her thoughts can be distortedly seen as a good thing on one side, if she considers that the sudden adrenaline flowing in her body gets her through most of the task without any help, even mindlessly, while she keeps reflecting on the interaction and the previous ones. Why the fuck would Namjoon be happy to help her? Well, he would, he’s naturally a helper, but why did Jeongguk say that? Is he really that pissed about her going in his car? She tries to understand, she really does. Keep being nice is what she tells herself instead.

When the tent is finally up, only with Dahye’s finishing touches, and food is finally in her stomach, refilling her energy tank, it’s like there’s a switch going off in her head, making it seem as if nothing bad has ever happened. Eunbi is back to her talkative self with a full tummy and a bashful grin while her best friend teases her for the earlier tantrum she went on about, but at least it’s all smiles again.

The first day at the campsite is spent basking in the slowness that follows after ticking off the only two activities planned for today on Hoseok’s schedule: setting their tents and preparing meals for lunch and dinner. The boss then instructs the group on just getting acquainted with their surroundings, and they don’t need to be told twice, making the most out of those short remaining moments of ease.

The rest of those hours are used to laze by the huge lake, in between swims and sunbathes. Luckily, Eunbi had packed a few bikinis and she chose to wear a black set, its laces meeting at the back with a bow. Sitting back and taking it easy, before all that she will be faced with the next few days, gives her a chance to get closer to the others. During the earlier drive, she had the opportunity to chat with Sora and discover the sweetheart she truly is, and the car was then easily filled with laughter, mostly provided by Namjoon and Seokjin’s terrible jokes. She now sits by Sora on a beach towel, all the other girls in a circle catching up and laying by the sun. In the back of their gossip session, the boys could be heard laughing and squealing, and the sound reminded Eunbi of sweet childhood. She briefly shifts her attention to them and smiles when she observes how they’re doing the most to tire their energy out, from using a rope hanging by the branch of a tree to leap into the water, to initiating a volleyball match using one of their rolled up towels.

Eunbi grows even fonder than before of the people she’s surrounded with, the earlier stress leaving her body and being replaced by serenity, a small sigh released from her lips before she returns to listen to the girls’ chat. She laughs at something Dahye says and jumps on it excitedly, making the others chuckle at the two friends eagerly recounting one of their craziest uni experiences so far.

All of it is short lived when Taehyung and Jimin suddenly drop a water balloon over their heads, a collective gasp filling the space followed by the two boys’ childish giggles and Dahye’s screams, getting up to run after them. They all spend the rest of the afternoon trying to get back at each other with more pranks, bathing in the lake’s cold water and taking silly group pictures to seal the day. As the sun begins to set, they all sit on their towels and silently observe nature, definitely too tired to speak, and preferring to savour the sweet moment.

When the sun finally leaves its place for the moon to rise and the group of friends gets back to their tents, their stomachs growling signal it’s time for dinner. They take turns to shower using the nearby public structure and then help setting a campfire to cook. It also works as a very needed source of heat, given the temperature has significantly dropped and their bodies are still humid from washing up. Eunbi wears the grey cargos she had discarded earlier this morning when deciding on what to put on, and a white tee, her damp hair falling on her shoulders and making her feel slightly chilly. She comes up beside Yoongi to help him with the meat, benefiting from the warmth of the fire.

There’s not much talk between the two, only the older boy advising her to be careful of the flames every two minutes, but it’s comfortable. Eunbi still has a hard time reading through Yoongi, and maybe it’s what she enjoys the most about him: his aura is soothing and it exudes security. He doesn’t exactly show it, but he’s deeply attentive and caring of his friends, and the girl feels safe next to him. She can sense him looking over at her while the meat is cooking, and as she turns to him she meets his eyes with a smile. He ponders, scanning her face “You got sunburnt. You need to wear sunscreen tomorrow, or it’ll get worse.”

Eunbi chuckles, dragging her pointer finger up and down her red nose, “Yeah, I know. It kinda hurts but it looks like I have natural blush now!”

Yoongi shakes his head with a small amused scoff, “That’s stupid, Eunbi. Wait for me here, I’ll go get you an after-sun cream.” And even as he walks off, he reminds her to not stay too close to the fire. She thinks that’s an exact demonstration of what the boy is truly like in her head.

The girl keeps grilling the meat, humming unknown melodies under her breath, and she almost misses a broad figure sitting on one of the chairs surrounding the fire. When she looks up, it’s Jeongguk avoiding her eyes and instead staring at the flames, their light reflecting in his big orbs and making them shinier. He wears his bermudas from earlier, but he now has a grey Stussy hoodie on top of it. His locks are still wet after freshly coming out of a shower, and they curl on his forehead, making him look like a poodle. She smiles. It’s like 15 years old Jeongguk is there with her again, his bare, exhausted face and droopy eyes taking her back to Busan. Without even realising what she’s doing, she extends a cooked piece of meat his way, “You want some?”

Startled, the boy breaks from his spacing-out and registers the request. He looks between Eunbi and the meat, gulping. He licks his lips, and she swears she can also hear his stomach rumbling. When he keeps ogling the food without replying, she wiggles the fork and his eyes follow its every movement, as if hypnotised. Then, he suddenly screws his eyelids shut and breaks from the trance, simply shaking his head no and fishing his phone out of his pocket, mindlessly scrolling on it. Just like that, she’s back to the present, and Jeongguk hates her. Eunbi narrowly glares at him while he can’t see her.

Yoongi comes back soon after with two different creams in his hands, and he gives them to Eunbi with a chuckle. She thanks him and lets him take over the cooking, while she curiously inspects the products, still standing next to the fire. When Yoongi spots his younger friend on the chair, he asks the same exact question as her, forking a piece of meat, “You want some?”

Jeongguk’s attention is back up, this time on Yoongi, and when he sees what his hyung is referring to he eagerly nods. Eunbi interrupts her examination just in time to see the boy hungrily shoving the food in his mouth, brows furrowed and praising noises accompanying his munching, making the older friend by her side chuckle. Instead, the girl is once again in disbelief, even more as he watches Jeongguk patting his knee with force, satisfied with the bite, “Hyung, this shit is so good. I want more.”

Eunbi scoffs imperceptibly, leaving the scene with an annoyed scowl wrecking her pretty features. As she enters her tent, she’s glad Dahye is still showering as she makes the most of that isolating moment. She sighs wearily and whips out her phone. Using its camera, she tries to ignore her tumbling emotions and instead puts on the creams Yoongi had given her, but not even those are enough to distract her. She’s still incredulous at what she’s being put through, her patience wearing thin, and the pact she made with herself before coming here is dangerously close to being broken.

Dinner is spent with good food and even better people, and only then Eunbi visibly untenses again. In between bites and full mouths, they go from discussing random facts to casually engaging in games of Truth or Dare or Never Have I Ever, the beer bottles slowly being emptied while their tummies get filled. When they’re done eating, the relaxed smiles on their faces implicitly communicate how the meal has been the perfect ending to the lovely day spent together. Still, they stay by the fire and keep up an effortless chat. When one of them comments on the limpidity of the sky, its stars being perfectly visible in this zone of Seoul, they all look up and stare in silence at the fullness of the lights.

Even if it’s not too late, the weariness from being out in the sun for multiple consecutive hours is weightening down on most of them, Seokjin and Sora retiring to their tents, soon after being followed by Yoongi and Hoseok.

It’s a little past midnight, and Eunbi starts to feel more and more affected by the cool breeze, its effects showing on her prickled skin. She tries to warm herself up by rubbing her exposed arms with her hands, but it’s to no avail, “God, I’m so cold.”

A collective agreement follows her claim, with Iseul speaking up and curling herself into a ball on the deckchair she’s sitting on by taking her legs up to her chest and hugging them close, “Me too, it’s freezing.”

”Oh, I have a spare hoodie.” Both girls snap their heads at the voice, which belongs to Jeongguk. However, as he quickly gets up to retrieve the sweater from his tent, it’s not clear who between the two he’s referring to, their curious expectant eyes following his every movement. Eunbi has her reasons to feel so eager, given the fact that she has been begging for one nice interaction with the boy, a spark of hope lighting up in her chest at his offer. On the other hand, she doesn’t know why the other girl seems equally excited, twirling her short hair around her fingers as she waits for Jeongguk to come out of the tent again. She huffs, a pout ending on her features.

When the sought-after boy gets back with a blueish crewneck in his arms, both girls hold their breaths, the sudden tension going unnoticed by the others (except for Dahye, she’s like a psychic when it comes to her best friend’s emotions), until Jeongguk lays the piece of clothing on Iseul’s shoulders, coming behind her and then sitting on his chair again.

Iseul bashfully thanks him, the tips of her ears seemingly reddening while a sweet, alluring smile makes its way on her lips. Eunbi scoffs at that, and if looks could kill Iseul would be dead right now. The dirty look she sends her way luckily goes unnoticed, and she keeps hugging her own body trying to provide herself with warmth. When she shifts her attention to Jeongguk, he’s already looking at her, smirking. She can’t be convinced he isn’t doing all this on purpose.

Even with her teeth almost chattering, the neglected girl forces herself to stay with the others until the end, and with Namjoon and Taehyung retiring to sleep only six of them remain. Under a white full moon, the conversation doesn’t really follow a clear direction, steering from existential questions that none really have the answers to, to Jimin’s drunken adventures. Jeongguk giddily joins the recounting and adds many details to it, specifically highlighting the embarrassing parts that his roommate is trying to omit to save face, and making all of his friends laugh with their whole chest, Eunbi included. She simply can’t ignore the fact that he’s naturally charming, and hilarious as well. In the middle of his storytelling, his whole body gets involved and it makes the events seem even more impressive. Eunbi smiles when she compares the Jeongguk in front of her to the beloved one in her past, the one that would sit her down and force her to keep up with his running imagination, constantly up with new ideas for silly scripts.

Then it’s Dahye’s turn to share one of her experiences, and Eunbi inevitably gets thrown into the tale, which had seen the two friends drunkenly sneaking themselves into a concert. It’s like they’re perfectly mirroring Jimin and Jeongguk’s dynamic, because while Dahye is trying to leave out critical parts of the story, Eunbi strongly insists on specifying them with an unseen emphasis for 1 a.m., causing everybody to laugh along. In between chuckles, her eyes fall on Jeongguk, who is mindlessly scrolling on his phone and seemingly not paying attention. Throughout the recounting, she notices Jeongguk distractly listening but never laughing, and if he does it’s only after something said by Dahye. Slowly, the enthusiasm gets wiped off her face as she curls up on the chair, sulkily letting her friend finish telling the story.

Another hour of effortless conversation goes by, and Jeongguk is back to lively chatting again, his animated gestures and witty jokes getting laughter out of his friends, but this time Eunbi doesn’t join. She silently sets on observing the boy, despite being caught a few times. She really wants to understand the reason behind his behaviour, but there’s no factual explanation she can come up with other than the obvious reasons that put them in this situation in the first place. If that’s the case, there’s nothing much she can do other than going up to him and finally talking it out like the mature adults they should be, but with their petty, silent bickering she doesn’t think that’s happening any soon.

While she’s busy squinting her eyes at the boy, in a borderline creepy manner, she doesn’t notice Iseul crouching in half in laughter at something Jeongguk said, until she’s directly referring to her, “Oh god, Eunbi! Why did you never tell me Jeongguk was this funny?” Said girl is startled by the question and by the abrupt interruption that shakes her out of her trance, confusion written on her face and it must be evident with the way Iseul goes on explaining, “Dahye told me you’ve known him for a long time.”

All at once, the atmosphere is tense and maybe Iseul and Aera can’t feel it, but Dahye definitely can as she snaps her head to her friend, who’s staring directly into Jeongguk’s eyes. The two seem to be battling an unnamed war through eye contact, and the intensity of the boy’s gaze ignites something implacable in the girl’s chest, dangerously close to rage, and it has to do with all the feelings she’s had to bottle up in less than 24 hours. She scoffs, referring to Iseul but never breaking the staring contest with the boy, “Oh, is he? Don’t think I’m well acquainted with that side of him yet.”

If the tension wasn’t palpable to everyone before the comment, it surely is now, the only ones that have something left to say being the crickets and owls in the background. Jeongguk only snickers before washing a hand over his face, an unsettling smirk on his lips. He seems to finally acknowledge the other girl’s presence, but it’s not in the way Eunbi initially imagined it would go. Instead, it’s venom spitting out of his mouth, “You would've been if you weren’t so self centred, always wrapped in your own bubble all the fucking time.”

Eunbi's confidence falls as quick as her heart, a sudden force weighing on it and almost crushing it. She’s fast at hiding it, ignoring the slight sting she can sense in the back of her eyelids, her only goal is to shoot harder. She forces the fakest smile she can muster, “Self centred? Are you sure you're talking about me?” The affronted girl scoffs, loud and sarcastic, “Fuck, and I thought you'd know better than that, Jeongguk. You should try getting your head out of your ass and look around. Maybe you'd see how shitty you've been treating all of us-” me “-for these past weeks.”

Jeongguk is visibly taken aback, and it’s his heart falling this time, his face following suit. His broken features do little to hide the doubts plaguing his spiralling mind. Had he pushed it too far? Had he been actually so bad to his own friends? Seeing his contender’s face relaxing with victory makes him snap out of the sudden trance, as he regains consciousness fast. No, he hasn’t. Fuck this. Blinded by anger, he utters the unimaginable, “Speak for yourself when you say shit like that. As far as I'm concerned, I've been treating you fairly seeing the bitch you are.”

His eyes are as pitch as black, the stars in them that Eunbi would love to get lost into are unreachable now, almost as if a dark cloud had obscured them. It must be the pollution that's taking over his heart too.

She’s frozen in place as the cruel words echo in her mind, the force that was keeping her heart underwater had managed to crush it, and it was now coming up her throat, squeezing the air out of her lungs. Her ears ring with the sudden lack of oxygen, and she can only faintly hear Dahye’s raging comments coming in her defence against Jeongguk. She can only seem to focus on the cracking of the fire, though, its thumping noise suddenly unbearable, as she feels more and more engulfed in its flames. She forces all sounds to come back to her, strongly pulling herself out of her own plagued head, the boy in front of her now unrecognisable to her empty eyes.

Looking around, she notices all of her friends — his, after all — had gone extremely quiet, the pressure weighing on them too. She can't stand it, needs to get out. She wishes she had never agreed to this. So much for keeping her peace. Yet, she'll never give him the satisfaction of knowing how much that hurt her. She'll die before crying in front of him.

“Well, if you don't mind, the bitch has had enough now, so with all due respect, she's going to sleep.” With a forced tight lipped smile, she gets up in one fast movement and walks to her tent, leaving the others disoriented, and a still furious Dahye scoffing at Jeongguk. He follows her with his eyes until she disappears in her shelter, clenching his jaw and announcing his departure soon after.

Inside the tent, Eunbi takes several deep breaths trying to calm down, and she feels frail when she can sense her eyes prickle with tears. She tells herself it’s angry ones. Apparently, being nice isn’t enough, and she watches as the seal to her pact shatters with force, signalling no come back. Following suit, the puzzle breaks once again, and she’s left scrambling for the pieces falling, looking for the one that will start it over again. And this time, it’s going to be even harder.

[urmomschocolatemilk]

Angst Simon x reader Old draft I finished at 2am, does it make sense? Idk not really, do I care? Also no bc I lowkey kinda love it. Alway idk rlly know how to end this so send some ideas in on how you think it should end bc I’m torn bro ALSO ig im back for now! after months...hehehe 😅

You’ve done long distance relationships, and they’re hard. Much harder than most people think them to be. But whatever you have, going with Simon is harder.  

You don’t know what he does for a living, or why he leaves you for months on end, only to come for a month or two (at the most) and leave in the middle of the night. He doesn’t say goodbye, doesn’t even say hello.  

One morning you’ll wake up and he’ll be there, arms wrapped around you, and his chest rising and falling steadily. And then the next morning he’ll be gone, leaving you to wake up to a cold bed and no idea of where he’s gone off to or when he’ll be back. Sometimes he’ll leave a warm breakfast in the microwave in apology, or a boquete of flowers. Other times you get nothing, and he vanishes without a trace. 

Once he’s gone you don’t hear from him for months until he gets back. Until he shows up in your bed again, on a random, sunny morning. That may just be the hardest part.  

You respect his need for privacy, never pushing him to tell you what he does or where he goes. If he wants to tell you he will, but sometimes you can’t help but wonder if he’s even really real or you’re just hallucinating it all. It quite literally feels like you’re dating a ghost. 

But for now, you pretend like the jarring nightmares he has are normal, or the excessive amounts of scars that paint his body aren’t there. For now, you keep the bubbling curiosity you feel strapped down and tucked away.   

Whatever you have with Simon isn’t too hard, not on a day-to-day basis, but sometimes it gets harder.  

Some days you go through the day, every cell in your body aching to see him, hear him, smell him, touch him, and taste him. Other days it comes randomly, often before bed, as an animistic need for him with you that bubbles under your skin, trying to claw it way out, only to be satisfied by him. Those nights you go to sleep hoping - no praying - for some miracle to bring him back to you. To wake up the next morning with him at your side. 

Most times your prayers go unheard. Leaving you to wake up in an empty bed again, and the need for something as simple as his presence unsatisfied. 

Rarely though, are your prayers answered and you’re awoken to the sound of soft breathing next to you, and the weight of his arms around your waist and the comforting warmth that radiates from him and envelops you. Today is one of those rare days. 

You watch his sleeping form, your heart swelling with gratitude and love. You shift closer to him, burying your head into his chest and inhaling deeply, trying to get enough of him to last you a century. In his arms all your worries and stress, and everything bad disappears. You can already feel it all melting away. You feel relieved. It makes you want to cry – no it does make you cry.  

Simon wakes to your trembling body and silent sobs. At first, he simply shoves his face deeper into the crook of your neck with a small groan, placing gentle kiss to the skin. After a moment though, everything starts to come into focus, and he becomes aware of the quiet sound of sniffing and shaking figure in his arms. He pulls away quickly, suddenly more alert and completely awake as worry and fear course through him.  

“Darling?” The pet name slips through his teeth so easily, the roughness of sleep adding to his already deep voice and for some reason it only makes you cry harder. “Darling what's wrong?” He asks worriedly. You sniff, choking on your own tears as you attempt to respond.  

“I c-cant do this anymore Simon.”  

He frowns, his stomach dropping at your words, “Do what?” he asks. 

“This,” you emphasize, “The never knowing where you are or when you're going to come home, or if you're even going to come home in the first place!” another sob escapes you, “it's too much for me. I-I mean sometimes it's okay but other times it's just so unbearable! I just can't do it anymore.” you cry 

Hes silent, unsure of what to say to comfort you. He knew this arrangement was rough on you. He’d thought he’d been protecting you by not telling you the truth about his work, but he wasn’t sure telling you now would make things any better.  

His body seems to have a mind of its own and he find himself reaching for you, pulling you into his lap and easing you both down as he sushs you gently.  

“I know love, I know,” he cooes, but your quieting sobs are the only response to his weak attempts of comfort that he desperately hopes hide how torn he is on what to do. He listens to your breathing as it evens out and your body relaxes against his as you drift back to sleep, but he knows he isn't getting a single wink for a while.  

[strab3rr]

ive been thinking abt a week? to delete my account or my story but u know what idgaf anymore because its just gonna give those people more courage for accusing me of being a liar

oh u dont know what im talking bout rn how cute

I was in the hospital til 2 days ago. as a patient. and i believe this happened bc of some jealousy bitches (or im just bein a drama queen)

ik it sounds like im blaming someone but irl yes i do blame someone

in dog years i blame those bitches

last week? i dont even remember what the day

mom got sick again but its okay shes fine now and then i had a car crash🪩🤩🪩my phone died in the crash literally died i had to buy a new one do you guys have any idea abt how much are this things in my country i really dont care abt the money but be for real wtf actually

i answered all of your questions carefully and with kindness i tried to be there for you guys and the moment i tell you abt my success story i had an accident! um sir wtf am i really being dramatic rn? cause ive been thinking bout this for days and theres no other explanation even if there is i cant see

so here it goes,,, i was just chilling in my home and then i read a dm about a girl that she wants to get in her void and as always i explained how she can get in but she kept ask me about how to get in but like girl hellooo i literally told you how. r u kidding me is this a social experiment to evaluate my patience? and then i said to her that this is the only thing that she should do for getting into

she said, no you are lying it cant be like this! bla bla

i transformed to this cat at that moment this is real me now.

anyway at the end of that conversation she said that im lying, if any of these(my manifestation results) are true then i should show her bc she have "doubts🎀" aww for her doubts i should reveal my self in her home bc she have doubts🎀 i should transport there with my void and show her how to do it irl thats what she asked me no- thats what she commanded me to, she was like "do it" and i was like "what😃" i said no ofc what do u want me to say, ok lets do itt lets break my privacy togetherrr let me get in your void for you and again let me do make your dreams comes true yayyy itll be fun right😍😍😍

i dont even know what to say to that

maybe this?

u think im joking which ur right bc i am

but its kinda serious here buddy what should i say to you when u command me to get in your void for you, like how can i reject you and still be that kind sister for u?

anyway i said no to her and she said im a lair and i broke her heart with my selfishness(then i blocked her ofc)then i go out w my friends this is the part i got hit by a car😇

opened my eyes into the white light like im a mf drama movie character

while im in the hospital i thought i can delete my account and can get rid of this bad luck/shits once and for all but again its just gonna give those bitches courage and they think that they right

"loa is a cult and everyone is a liar bc they cant prove bla bla" dont u dare to blame me for your failure

you didn't got in AND you want me to do it for you???honey im sorry for your loss bc it seems like you just lost your dignity yeah we just buried it u missed such a precious moment🥲

and guess what i have nothing to prove you i literally dont have to prove anything to you. like for real. if you dont believe the story can u just move on please? bc i dont give a damn shit about your insecurities, your doubts and ur blablabla

its literally on you girl BC IT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MF REALITY? LIKE DO YOU REALLY NEED A MANUAL BOOK FOR THIS?

im sorry for being a bitter today but i really feel like this(bitter), so not sorry maybe😗

but i didn't mean it when i said idgaf to ur insecurities.. i do honey its just been a rough week and i dont know how to put my anger in to the words

it can be a evil eye 🧿 or i just might be a drama queen sooo.. again sorry(?) if anything offends u, i love you guys but its just so complicated here(my head) and i just dont know

and now im just being weird w all this nonsense

i should go now, i will return your dms asap just need some rest

loves, siena

[55sturn]

https://www.tumblr.com/55sturn/750063603824181248/send-in-blurbsrequests-for-a-concept-night-im

what do you think fights with chris would be like ? what starts them and how they get solved ?

this can go one of two ways

1. he’s had a bad day and is incredibly overstimulated, [ i don’t think chris would mean what he says, but when a person is overstimulated, they lash out unintentionally ]

“jesus christ, please just stop talking, i cant take how annoying you’re being.” chris snaps, he’s fidgety, almost as if he skin is vibrating with nerves that are going haywire and his voice rough and direct as he looks at you, his anger and resolve withering away at the sigh of your shocked, slightly hurt face.

he hadn’t mean to snap, or sound so harsh, but his thoughts were going a mile a second and ricocheting off his skull and he couldn’t catch up with them, and paired with your slight frustration made his emotions run high.

“y/n-“ he starts, the words forming on his tongue but he can’t get them out, he has never wanted you to be the target of his misplaced frustration and your name comes out strained, and he sounds defeated.

“go take a shower, or just some time to cool down. you’re obviously on edge, we’ll talk when you’ve calmed down, promise.” you whisper, removing yourself from the situation to let him have some breathing room.

but almost in the blink of an eye, he’s crawling on top of you as you on the couch and tucking his head in the space between your neck and jaw, mumbling jumbled apologies and is nearly in tears over how badly he needs you to know that he’s sorry and wants to make sure you’re okay.

and you’re running your fingers through his hair as he lifts his head, watching your face as you tell him that you’re fine but you need to know when he needs a breather so that things like that don’t happen.

2. leaving important details out in favour of the other person’s feelings and the other takes it the wrong way. [ ie: miscommunication ]

chris has mentioned he was going to a party with nick and matt to film some content as an indirect collab, but what he had failed to mention was who was throwing the party, and you felt hurt by this.

the party chris was going to, was being thrown by a girl he had been with for a while, but he had called things off months before getting with you. however, what made things hurt the most was the fact that everyone who knew of her “relationship” with chris, sung the highest praises about her. chris himself had nothing bad to say about her.

sometimes, the way he would talk about her if asked, it made you think that maybe there was still some lingering feelings floating about. and it didn’t help that the two of you had been having issues communicating things properly for the last few weeks, and for chris to go ghost at this party after leaving out vital information, whether intentionally or not, it set you off. and it hurt you. so when he came back home to an empty bed, he was confused. instead of replying back to your clearly upset texts, he made his way to your place, and let himself in with the spare key that you had gifted him on your seven month anniversary. as he found you curled up in bed, a stoic look on your face, he couldn’t help but scoff to himself.

“so instead of talking adults, you decided to just fuck off and not let me know?” he spits, his arms crossed as he leans against your door framed, sighing as your gaze on your tv had reminded unwavering as you shrugged.

“you didn’t tell me who threw that party, so i didn’t tell you where i was going and clearly it didn’t cause you much trouble because you found me.”

“so that’s what this hissy fit is about?”

“oh my god chris, if you’re going to act like this, please just leave. we’ll talk when we’re not angry with one another.”

“no y/n, we’re going to talk about it now. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you that she was throwing the party, but honestly i didn’t think it mattered because she doesn’t matter anymore and i didn’t want you to overthink anything.” he sighs as he sits on your bed, his head in hands as you cross your arms.

“chris have you ever stopped to try and think about why i would overthink about that shit? have you heard the way you and everyone else talk about her? it’s like she hung the fucking moon! i know you’re with me but feelings don’t just disappear when you snap your fingers. everyone talks about how good she was for you and to you, i feel like i can’t compete with that. it makes me sick to think of you around her because she’s set this standard and i don’t know if i measure up to it. and i get scared that i’m not enough and that you’ll find your way back to her because of it.” i love you so unbelievably much, and i just want to be good for you and to you.” you vent, your voice starting out strong and dignified, but just like your guard, it slowly crumbles and depletes into nothing but a scary, shaky whisper of vulnerability. you’re baring your soul, and it terrifies you as you turn your back to him, trying to form some sort of shield to save yourself from the raw emotion of the topic at hand.

chris lifts himself off the bed, sitting himself on knees in front of you with his hands wrapping behind your knees, anchoring you in place so that you have no choice but to look at him, unable to hide from the truth to what he says that shows in his eyes,

“baby, you are everything i want and more. i don’t give a fuck about her, not in the ways that matter. i come home to you every night and i want it to stay like that, i left the party because i missed you. i came back because things have been so rocky between us and i knew something was up, and i knew that i had been wrong to hide that she was throwing the party from you. i chose you tonight, and i’ll do it for the rest of my life. i’m sorry that i made you feel like this, and i understand what my actions did, and i’m sorry for that too. i love you, okay?”

“okay, i love you too.”

[whoisneo404]

bsf to lovers with nick hcs!!!

BEST FRIENDS to LOVERS

SLOW burn. SLOWEST of burns.

You have been friends for a LOOOONG time. Like, you were one of the first persons he came out to, you were very supportive and always there for him. When you told him you also like guys (maybe you already knew or you realized it and told him) your bond became stronger.

Even when a lot of people told you guys will look good together you always shake it off.

"No, he is my best friend, Mom. I already told you. BEST friend, not BOY friend. "

He has talked and cried about guys with you and you have talked and cried about people to him. He was sure he didn't liked you in that way, but, why was he trying to convince himself of that lately?

Nick would fall first. His mind filled with thoughts of you and his poor heats aching at the thought of loosimg you. It took him sleeples nights to admit to himself that he had feelings for you.

You feel harder. It was the way Nick laughed at your dumb inside jokes, the way he called you when you told him you had a rough day, the way his hands warmed your shoulder when he hugged you from the side, the way his thigh felt against yours when the car was full. It was everything, it made your heart burn.

Neither of you were gping to confess, EVER. The both of you rather be shot on the leg twice than "ruin" the friendship.

He was going insane, he had told his brothers and mom. He couldn't bare it anymore. It happened on a spring night, the breeze messing up Nicks hair who stood at your door with his pajamas and his wet eyes.

"I like you... Like, a lot. And i cant hide it anymore, I cant. I am so scared to lose you but Im more scared of never telling you what I really feel."

There was no answear from you, just a warm hand on his cheek cleaning his tears and your lips pressing against his.

He spend the night at your place, both of you didn’t sleep that night. It was spend talking, crying in eachothers arms, hugs and kisses.

After a few weeks of akward 'what do we do now?' the both of you got used to doing traditional partner things. Like dates, holding eachothers hands, kissing eachother, cuddling, etc. That doesn't mean you stopped being best friends, in fact, it made the jokes and teasing go to another level.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" You chase Nick all over your house as he runs from you. Your hair blue from the dye he poured into your shampoo.

He is very romantic and open with you. He is used to talking to you about his problems, dreams, wants, icks, hurts and joys, so there isn’t lots of problems with communication.

100% will marry you. He knew it even before falling in love with you. He knew it by the way you held him when he cried and how you made him laugh like no one else.

Everyday he is glad he confessed. He will always say that dating your bestfriend is the best thing that anyone could do.

+His family already loves you. Since you always used to hang out whit them before dating.

"I told you, Nicky. I always told you he would be a greay boyfriend, and now look at you. You are dating."

"Mom, stop. You are embarrasing me..."

Taglist: @freshloveforthefit @shywolfapricotfan @sturnphilia @matty-bear @thenickgirl @stvrniolvsp @paige05 @soursturniolo @miloisdone1 @teenagetrash00 @lovely-calypso @h3arts4harry @malirosee

[blushedfemmes]

Currently 5 shots and a tallboy deep. Just enough to be adoring (and maybe a little pathetic), sadly not enough to want to be rough and impulsive. Still, i hope you'll enjoy my little fantasy.

You invite me over, maybe to watch a movie or have a meal or to help you fix something. Really the reason doesn't matter because it was a front anyways. You invited me over to get me drunk, not that you'd ever tell me that.

I got so excited at the invitation to see you that i couldn't help but doll myself up. I polished my boots and ironed out my favorite shirt, thinking of you the whole time. I sprayed my cologne on and prayed that by the end of the night I'd know what your hands felt like on my skin, and that I'd never forget.

I show up and you greet me with a syrupy sweet smile, like you have no plans outside of just spending time with me. Its finally cold outside so you offer me a drink to warm me back up. Cocoa or maybe apple cider. Whatever it is, its already spiked and i cant help but say yes. The mug warms my hands and the thought that you made it just for me warms everything else. We sit and drink and talk about our days, our jobs, or whatever else finds its way out of our mouths. You give me refills without me having to ask, heavier pours with each new drink. You keep touching me when i talk. They're short and soft but i promise i notice every single one of them. Everytime you do it i feel a little warmer.

By the time the drinks hit, im too entranced by you to realize its the alcohol warming my skin now and not the way you're touching me. You know im drunk from the smile that seems plastered to my face and the compliments i cant stop myself from giving you. Your nails, your hair, your outfit, your nails. I only notice you've been inching closer to me when you decide to climb on top of me.

Im not quite sure whats going on anymore so you reassure me, tell me everythings okay and that its just comfier for you to sit on my lap. I cant complain, ive always liked looking up at pretty girls anyway. The way the light shines over you is mesmerizing and i tell you "you look like an angel". The "thank you, darling" you whisper right in my ear does nothing but pull the blood from my brain.

I tell you that you make me feel dizzy, make my head spin. You tell me its the alcohol you been giving me for the past hour. You push up my glasses and kiss me before i have a chance to respond, all i can do is melt into you. I cant think about anything and all i can feel is your nails dragging up my arms onto my shoulders. You say you can tell Ive been working out. I slur out a "juss for you" and my entire world narrows down to only you.

Drunk as i may be, i still know what i want to do and of course i have the wherewithal ask (beg). I tell you I just want to feel your body under my hands, want to know how your skin tastes, want to make you feel as adored are you are. Its far less eloquent coming out of my drunk mouth but you agree and you tell me to "be a good boy use your mouth for the only thing its good for".

I spend the next few hours completely unaware of the world around me, the only thing that matters to me anymore is you. I kiss, lick, bite, and mark any part of you that finds it way to my mouth. The taste of your skin is cemented in my brain and theres nothing i could do to remove it if i even wanted to. The only thing keeping me upright is your soft moans and your nails tracing over my skin.

By the end of the night we're sprawled out on the couch and im falling asleep still latched onto your tits. The last thing i feel before passing out is your nails on my scalp and the way your heartbeat reverberates my head.

I wake up to you moving dishes from the coffee table while you're wearing my shirt. You tell me it looks better on you anyway and i couldn't agree more.

(Ive never written anything like this before so my apologies if its no good)

-🫀

hi are you kidding this is fucking incredible i’m 🥵😵‍💫💗💞 the fact that you wrote this after five (5) shots *and* a tallboy is extremely impressive i wouldn’t be able to write a grocery list lmaoo

so um anyways…… thinking about inviting you over to test that high tolerance of yours 🙈

[tortor-sauce]

18+ POST LOOK AWAY 👹🔞 if you’re not 18+ PLEASE DNI with this post!! 👹🔞

(sketch and drabble and headcanons)

(jel/reth/oc stuff)

GO AWAY LOOK AWAY!!!!! IM WARNING YOU 🔪

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP I CANT EVEN TAG THIS I DONT EVEN WANT PEOPLE TO SEE BUT I HAVE TO SHOW SOMEONE AND TALK ABOUT IT OR I’LL EXPLODE!!!!

i’m too shy to share the whole picture IM SORRY—i just wanted to capture a few headcanons into a single shamelessly horny drawing of the three of them together. also, my thoughts are completely unorganized and this post is mostly just me rambling!

small disclaimer, if you don’t agree with or like my headcanons, that’s totally valid but please don’t tell me so 🙇 i kindly ask you just move on from this post. thank you!

okay. so i feel like both reth and jel are service tops HEAR ME OUT—like, they’re both just a couple of pathetic lover boys who are so head over heels in love with you. the fact they practically always gift you something when you flirt with them in-game (jel gifting silk and reth gifting soup) i feel is their attempts at spoiling you and taking care of you in their own way. they just want to see you happy and make you cum your brains out a thousand times until you can’t think straight anymore 🥺

and in general, i feel jel would love to shower you in compliments and words of praise and practically worship your body. while i feel reth is the type to show you how he feels and relish in watching you come undone with him. but personally 👉👈 i feel jel and reth align more closely as switches because they’re both so.. so soft and need to be spoiled and loved so deeply (no innuendo intended)

with that said, i think jel is a more intimate and passionate lover while reth is a bit more unhinged and rough. that’s not to say jel doesn’t have his sadistic bouts. i feel it stems directly from his obsessive nature and grows into a desire to watch you submit to him and his whims, sort of in a controlling way. but it makes him so happy when you do. the need to know you belong to him, both your heart and body, is honestly really important to him. i actually feel he has control issues due to a number of reasons but that’s a different discussion—💀 and he rewards you so thoroughly for showing him how much you love him. god, the aftercare? he’s so gentle and attentive and treats you like the most precious thing he’s ever held.

more on reth, while not as sadistic, i feel he’s still plenty controlling when he wants to be. the poor man has hardly any control in his day-to-day life and the fact you allow him an ounce of control? over your body of all things? yeah, that shit drives him mad (positive). gets a bit carried away and leaves marks on your body, hickeys, scratches, bruises, the like. but hey, at least it’s a pretty reminder of how much fun you had together. plus, if anyone sees they’ll know you belong to him. but he definitely teases you about it the following days by making sly comments and even running his fingers over the more sensitive marks.

so, in my polycule i envision moments where two will actively spoil the other. so for instance like when maddox and reth want to spoil jel and shower him in the love and affection he deserves, he gets all shy and blushy but relishes in the moment. he pays them back tenfold once they’re finished, but not that same night. maddox and reth make sure he’s completely worn out so he’ll finally get some damn sleep for once. reth is the same in that regard; he gets all shy and blushy but he enjoys being spoiled for once. not having to care about anything or anyone else and focus fully on himself and his pleasure. and the two know this and want to show him how loved he is. lowkey i imagine jel bringing him to tears, crying tears of pleasure and from overstimulation but that may be a personal thing of mine. 💀 and as for maddox? they both know exactly which buttons to push. i imagine them sort of egging each other along. i mentioned earlier i think jel has a sadistic side to him, well i think the same of reth albeit not nearly as prominent. like, the fact he teases and flirts so much could be for a number of reasons, but how lovely it would be if it were only to watch their reactions each time. with that said, maddox happens to be very reactive and discovering that fact in bed, like, awakens something inside of him to tease more, to push as much as maddox will allow him. and yes, he notices the way jel reacts to it too. it only makes him want to tease him for the fact as well 🥴 WHICH is why i drew him with that expression LMAO normally i would’ve imagined him with a much softer and kinder expression but i think he’s quick to lose himself in the throes of pleasure which causes him to act a bit selfish at times. but like i said, i see him as a service top so really his ‘selfish’ moments are him just spoiling maddie and jel and showering their bodies with so much love and attention.

i have so many more thoughts but this post is getting long and i’m getting embarrassed so i’ll stop there for now.

IF YOU READ THIS IM SORRY LOL BUT THANK YOU FOR INDULGING ME///////

[heartsoji]

LOVE LANGUAGES

starring the bllk boys!

featuring kunigami rensuke, chigiri hyoma, and bachira meguru

a/n: sigh some easy headcanons bc i simply cannot write anymore

KUNIGAMI RENSUKE

acts of service!

pls acts of service just screams him

hes your hero, after all! hes at your service

you're hungry? here, have some of his food!

on your period? chocolate and midol for you!

cant go to sleep? he has a bottle of melatonin and huge, snuggly arms

he will literally do anything you ask

he's def an 'actions speak louder than words' typa guy so he feels that when he does something for you, its proof of his love

ALSO something that i was thinking ab was yk how kunigami is ripped

if ur feet were tired, he'd carry you on his back with ease

'are you sure im not too heavy?' *looks back at you with disappointment and betrayal* 'hell no."

hes a sweetie

CHIGIRI HYOMA

words of affirmation!

hes a rizzler, ok

he says cheesey things with the same composure he'd have if he was taking a nice stroll in the park

"the stars, the sun, the moon. they're supposed to shine bright, but they pale in comparison to you" with a calm, soothing smile

also CHIGIRIS VOICE

ITS SO HOT

HE HAS THIS LIKE SILKY SMOOTH, SUPER PRETTY, FLOWY, SOOTHING, SEXY VOICE OK

AND HE JUST LIKE SAYS THESE SUPER ROMANTIC THINGS WITH THIS SUPER HOT VOICE AND ITS JUST &lt;3

ok sorry

he also provides really good comfort!

if you're crying from a rough day, he's there with you, rubbing your back, whispering sweet things into your ear

"it's ok, love. i know it feels like the end of the world now, but it was etc etc" WITH HIS SILKY SMOOTH VOICE UGH

HES SO PERFECT

AND GOING BACK TO HIS RIZZ

HE LIKE

DOES THIS

THING

I

AKJASJKSD

ok i hc that after he gives you those cheesy poetic compliments, he makes you look him in the eyes and just lets you melt into putty in his arms

hes just so

yes

(can u tell i love chigiri)

BACHIRA MEGURU

quality time + physical touch!

he love love loves spending time w/ you

he plans the most fun dates ever and he always makes sure you have a great time

picnic dates, arcade dates, amusement park dates, you get it

hes just so thoughtful and his laughter is literally contagious

hes one of the guys who will be happy just by being with you (and his happiness is contagious so youre happy too)

also hes super touchy

big fan of back hugs. you'll be standing there when you suddenly feel him ram into you, arms circling around your waist

a big cuddler also

i could def see him being either a little or big spoon tbh

he just loves being close to you

sometimes you'l be laying in bed when you hear a "YAHOOO" (like mario) and suddenly hes ramming down on top of you as you let out a loud, "OW"

he has the tightest hugs ever

just grabs you and squeezes you and spins you around

also loves dancing with you

he'll put on some fun music and he just spins you around and laughs and has fun

pls hes so cute i love him

heartsoji 𑁍 please do not steal, plagiarize, or repost onto any platform. thank you!

[gor3sigil]

hi i dont really know how to introduce myself, so i hope you dont mind if i skip that part.

i just wanted to ask about that post you made a few days ago. in one of the last paragraphs you mention how hatching is painful. but is it supposed to feel like my entire world is cracking apart around me?

what you mentioned in the beginning of the post, about how the people around you felt about masculinity, that very aptly describes a lot of my fears of reactions to me identifying as masculine, which is what started me crying and ultimately spurred me to message you.

im just so scared

i have lots of trans people in my life, i just dont know how to talk about this with most of them (see: Very Scary :C) ive spent my whole life using femininity to take down peoples walls and help them feel comfortable around me. what the hell am i supposed to do as man? can i even still behave that way? will people even still trust me? will they like me? will they feel safe around me? its unbearable. every time i think about it my brain tries to run away, there's just so much fear.

is this normal at all? to be scared like this? i mean, considering i too struggle with the radical feminist narrative you mentioned? i dont believe the narrative, but i fear it. and then i get insecure and i cant stop thinking the insecurity an indication that manhood is the wrong direction for me.

am i making any sense?

Hi, it must've taken lots of strength to write all this so congrats to you. My answer will be based on my own experiences so take it with a grains of salt. Yeah, your world will definitely shatter too. Because even if you're just socially transitionning, if you do so while being surrounded by trans friends, most of them will change the way they percieve you so your interactions may change. I know that's scary, but you have to trust the process. If they're good friends, they won't like you less or anything. That's the hardest part I think. As you read in my post, coming ot made me lose tons of friends, most of them trans, because they treated me badly after I came out.

And yes, you are making sense. I went through the exact same fears as you. The fear of not being deemed as safe anymore. Unfortunately, I don't really have any solutions to offer you, appart from building your own community, online and/or IRL. Like I said, most of my trans friends were kinda crappy about me being masc and I struggled for years to feel comfortable in my masculinity as a result. Because I did the same as you, me being a "woman" was my way of saying that I understood the struggles of others and was safe. Let me stress one thing. You are still okay, you're not a bad person. Even if you discover new things about yourself, even if you're transmasc, even if you're transitionning (if you do), you are still very much the same person as before, with your understanding of a number of issues, with your own pas experiences.

It's a point I really can't stress enough. As I said in my post, you are still worthy of love, support, tenderness, being understood, being heard, being listened to, being comforted. One thing I noticed is that my previous friend tended to dismiss my feelings and/or be "rough" with me thinking that it was "affirming" because I was a man now. Let me tell you that that's BS and don't let anyone treat you this way.

Maybe try to test the water, idk if you came out already or not but maybe in your presentation or just by talking about transmasc specific issues with them, see how they react. That being said, I really do hope that your friends will be understanding. Or that by explaining to them how their behavior is wrong they will understand and act differently, because sometimes people so shit cause they don't know any better. I hope this helps, and I really wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out again. Take care.

[schlattslonghairytoes]

chapter nine

talias pov, real life!

"you two sons of bitches are going to college!" the movie fades out and i look up to schlatt, only to see him staring back down at me "hi" i say quietly "hi" he says back even quieter, schlatt isnt a shy guy, but right now he's acting like one.

"are we gonna talk about it jay, because im not sure i can handle it, but i cant stand you being mean to me anymore, not with what i had to live through in high school" i look up his face, his usual stone demeanor melting for what, to me, feels like hours

he blinks before speaking "ive never been known for my clever use of words, or being able to have difficult conversations at all, but talia im so sorry, you dont deserve that, you never did, and i guess i finally owe you a proper explanation huh?"

lets get back on track shall we? last time we saw these two dumbasses, they began their "rough period" as i like to call it, the glares across the halls, the shit talking and most importantly, the rumors.

now, talia hated drama, lets make that clear, because freshman year when someone told the whole school that she had sex with a teacher, when all she did was go to extra help, she thought her life was over, and i wont sugarcoat it. for a while it was.

but who sat with her holding her hand the whole time. a young boy by the name of jonathan schlatt, he gathered her homework on the days she missed, he tutored her in classes he didnt even take just so she wouldnt fail. so imagine her suprise when her (ex) best friend, began dating her other (ex) best friend, and her name would stop being talked about.

schlatt had asked out anabelle january 7th, almost 5 months after talia and schlatt became sworn enemies, so naturally anabelle took schlatts side, because thats what happens when you make friends who dont really care about you.

back to the rumors at hand, talia wasnt unpopular, everyone loved her, how couldnt you? i mean look at her. but what comes with slight popularity, your name always being brought up, but by then she was used to it. 

until the fateful day of febuary 14 arrived.

it was time for talias annual valentines party, when people started asking why the address had changed on the invite from previous years, she shut it down immediately, leaving aside that she had been kicked out 3 months prior.

after a fight with her parents her mom told her is was time to stop being so dependant, handed her 1000 dollars, a suitcase, and of course, in true nancy romano fashion, a food scale, and closed the door. talia eventually moved into her late grandmothers apartment 6 blocks down

her mother didnt know about the apartment, so when talia realised that it was legaly documented that the house was hers, as written in her grandmothers will, she moved in with her cat, said 1000 dollars, and a dream. first order of business, throw out that stupid foodscale.

when she finally revamped her new apartment in december, she was finally able to relax and live her life once again.

back to February, of course there was talk about this address update, but what talia didnt expect was for anabelle to tell the school that talia no longer lived within the schools district, meaning, she wouldnt be able to attend the school.

talia left that meeting in the princeables office in tears, after being told that "she might not be able to graduate" she felt as if her life was over, that was until she locked eyes with a guilty looking schlatt. 

and rage filled her immediately.

"me. you. outside now." she grabbed him by the collar and dragged him along with her outside, ignoring his pleas that "he'll be marked absent".

"what the fuck did you do jonathan." she shoved him roughly, hard enough to make him stumble. "i swear on everything talia, i didnt know she would do that! it was anabelle, i even asked her not to, are you going to be ok? and why are you living in nana's house, whats going on?" he asked like she didnt have the right to hide things from him.

"oh shut the fuck up, dont act like now you know everything about me! you threw that away the moment you gave up on me, on us! you forgot about me! and now you wanna stumble back to me with open arms and be my savior, no jay, thats not how this works" she shouted and pushed him again.

"please tell me whats going on, please" he begged quietly. "talia i need to know, please i need to know youre ok." he grabs her arm.

"she kicked me out Jonathan. i dont eat most days cause i have no fucking money, none, my job pays me shit, for the first time in my life im failing a class, and if i even get into college, im going to have years of student loans up my ass, because again i have no money." as the words came pouring out, schlatts eyes scanned her, her frame looking thinner and weaker, face more defined.

he remembered when talia thought she was fat, and looked at her now, and wished for the ten pounds she lost could come back, she wasnt recognizable, she wasnt his talia, but then again, she never was.

"say something" her voice weakened. "anything, please." the crack in her voice is what sent him over the edge, he wrapped her huge arms around her in the tightest bear hug shes ever been in, and for a moment, slotted in his arms where she belonged, she forgot everything that ever happened. until he removed them.

"i have to go" he said before turning around and going right back into school, leaving talia all on her own once again.

one month later, talia was laying on her bed, figuring out how she was going to pay rent this month, when a she heard someone knocking at the door. she got up and opened the door and before she could close it, jonathan handed her a envelope and left, no words, emotions, or anything else for that matter.

she closed the door and looked down at the envolope in her hands that stated "we need to talk" in schlatts stupid chickenscratch. 

as she began to open the letter she felt her eyes fill with tears and slowly fall onto the letters contents, a hand written note, and, in hundred dollar bills, 10,000 dollars.

"i never understood why you did that, where did you even get that money?" i asked, reflecting on all those years ago.

"remember my jesus take the wheel video? i made 15k off of that, aswell as other later vids, and i was working at the deli at that time, it all just came together". he looked down at me, and as i look up at him, his face looks more like his highschool self then i remember, softer eyes and eyebrows then ive seen in the past few days.

now this next era lasts from late march until mid may, and i like to call it, the reconstruction era. 

after schlatt left a very suspicious envelope at her door, she chased after him, and they decided they were both going to work toward being friends again, and that they did, they started to be friends again, and they really tried, but there was only so much they could both do.

talia helped schlatt through his breakup, and in return, schlatt helped talia finish all of her college applications, the two ultimately going with the original plan of applying to the same dream school they shared. the broken duo started to heal each crack in their relationship, but they were never going to be fully mended. 

prom was now in a month, and when schlatt promposed to talia with a sign reading, "be the jenko to my schmitt, and jump over to prom with me?" famously based off of their favorite shared movie, talia couldnt help but say yes. so she did and things were going even better for them, they were finally friends again.

until the dean of that stupid college decided to ruin schlatts life, merely days before prom. so when talia hadnt heard from schlatt in a week and prom was tonight, she began to worry, but this time she had faith in him, to be the good friend he was, and pick her up at 6:30 sharp.

so when she sat on her front step and her phone read 7:00 back at her, she knew something had happened, and the worst part was, she couldnt bring herself to be suprised, or even mad. she had a feeling this would happen, so she called her best friend nick, and made her way to prom.

rounds of spiked punch and dancing with her friends had started to make the pain go away, until she saw him. a seemingly sober schlatt waltzing into prom, with a familiar blonde wrapped around his arm. she felt her heart break into enough pieces she couldnt begin counting, and with all the courage she could muster, she put on a fake smile and walked up to the happy couple.

"hey guys! glad you could finally make it, seems time doesnt mean anything to you two, just wanted to say, anabelle every moment knowing you has been unpleasant. and frankly i hope i never have to look at you and your fucked up teeth again, have a good time at community college, thats if you make it there. and you Jonathan, i hope you know what a horrible person you are, i dont know why you loved breaking my heart, because honestly, i was inlove with you John, i would have followed you across the globe of you asked, but you just made my life so much easier, because i fucking. hate. you." she pushed past the pair  and scoffed when she heard him calling after her.

the rain outside made it much harder to outrun a 6'3 giant, already having the disadvantage of being so much shorter, and also wearing 3 inch heels. "TALIA!" his stupid voice yelled after her, repeatedly, louder each time, until he finally caught up to her, only seconds away from her apartment, and when he did he grabed her wrist in order to stop her.

"dont fucking touch me! dont come near me, stay the fuck away, i dont ever want to see or hear from you ever again. its over schlatt, you did this! we couldve been so good together, or even friends, but you threw that away for what, why did you do it, because we both know you owe me that," she screamed yanking her arm away from his tight grip.

"i-i dont know why talia, i was scared, i didnt get i-" he studdered "you were scared? SCARED? you did this to me because you were scared" she pushed him further from her apartment building "schlatt, quite literally when i needed you most, you left! i was homeless for a week, did you ever know? NO, BECAUSE NO ONE KNEW, I WAS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY ALONE." she tried to calm her voice but was only slightly successful.

"i was alone and scared, and the one person i loved and cared for, dropped me because HE was scared! ironic right?" she backed toward the door to her apartment building "let me make this clear, im not blaming you for me being kicked out, im blaming you for leaving me when i needed you, because we both know that i would have never done that to you." she opened the door and looked back at him. "i never want to see you again, leave, and get out of my life schlatt." she yelled in his face. 

"please lia i know you don't want to hear me out, but you have too. please I can't lose you Lia, cmon for us we need to talk about it" he begged tears mixing with the pouring rain. for a moment, every movie theve ever watched together crossed his mind. all the scenes where the love interest stands outside in the pouring rain, begging for forgiveness, and in every single one, she forgives him, but as much as he hoped, he knew that wouldnt be his reality.

"I can't jay, I cant and I'm not sorry"  and the door closed, unlike the movies, the rain didnt go away, his heart didnt feel lighter, and the rejection letter in his pocket, already ruined from the rain, didnt magically fade away, and by the time he got home and opened his phone, he was already blocked on everything, the green text confirming all of his suspicions 

iMessage!

my talia<3

talia, since the day i met you as a toddler, i knew you would change my life forever, in elementary school you were my first friend, and the only person i wanted to have playdates with, and the only person i wanted to see at school. then came middle school, when your parents split up, i prayed the night i found out, that you would stay with your mom, so you could stay with me, and when you did, i had never felt luckier. in eighth grade i realised i was in love with you, but as a typical middle schooler i tried my best to ignore it, and move on. freshman year wasnt easy, rumors meant nothing when i was able to be at your side making you laugh after seeing all that everyone put you through. sophmore and junior year with you at my side made life feel easier, and in the summer before senior year, when you kissed me, i knew i was a goner. the more i spent time with you, the harder i fell in love with you, every moment i spent with you was something i cherished with my whole heart. but heres the part that i didnt tell you, 10 days before my birthday, my grandpa died, i know it doesn't sound like much, but i felt as if my whole world ment nothing anymore, and alcohol was my only way of moving past it. and on september ninth, when i drank so much i forgot what year it was, anabelle invited me to a party and said you would be there, and after avoiding everyone and everything for a week, i knew i needed to see my favorite person. when i arrived she convinced my drunken state that she was you. and i believed her. the next day i knew something was wrong, and after you left me in that panera i sat in silence for 3 hours, and i realised what i had done, and by the time i went home, another bottle of whiskey had me convinced that anabelle was you. the real reason me and her broke up, was because one time i accidentally called her talia, and thats the day i stopped drinking. coincidentally, that's the same day i went to the bank and left 10,000 dollars at your door. the reason i didnt ever come pick you up at prom, was because the week before, i had found out i got rejected from college, not just our dream one, every single one talia, i felt like an absolute failure, and i couldnt even look at you, i didnt want you to be tied down to a loser like me, so i turned to alcohol once again, and convinced my self that if i asked anyone, not that they would ever live up to you, i could pretend for long enough that it was you. but no one could ever be you. 

not delivered❗️

[miasturn1ol0]

YOU AND CHRIS AT THE PARTY

CONTAINS: spice, smut, alcohol, partying, and bad language. (Probably mispelled words and bad grammar too so dont mind 😭 this is also my first story)

you guys are both at a party. you and chris. you guys didnt know you were going to both be there. although u guys are dating. U got into a silly argument and havent been talking for about 4 days. After a while of being at the party with your girl bestfriends u stopped for a drink and u see chris talking to another girl. you get jealous. u grab the drink, swallowing it fast. After a while you got drunk. The girl chris was talking to, is still with him. So now you decide to step up the game. you talk to this one guy. Not only that too. He was HOT. You and the guy sat in the couch. After a while of talking with the guy u decide to sit on his lap. That was when chris was looking this time. He got infuriated. You can see it in his eyes.

CHRIS POV:

*FUCK! she looks so gorgeous. Is she really trying to make me jealous. UGH, shes going to pay. I throw the dumb blonde bimbo. I also was just trying to make y/n jealous for yelling at me for no reason. But anyway this doesnt matter anymore. Now its her and this hoe of a guy. The blond girl is shocked and scoff then went off. I walk to y/n. My fist all bawled up. I feel like punching the guy. oo y/n’s gonna pay.*

YOUR POV:

I see chris walking to you. oh shit. its okay anyway its unfair that he can talk to any girl but i cant. he lifts me up of the guys lap. i stand up. I feel dizzy. The drinks have gotten to me. “Y/n what the fuck do you think ur doing” he whispers to my ear. It brings shivers down my spine. “oh so u can talk to random girls but I cant talk to random guys?” i say to him. crossing my arms. he grabs my wrist tight. Brings me to some random room on the top floor of the mansion. and puts me against the wall. “Look y/n idk what the fuck u thought was that. But let me asure u one thing. ur mine. nobodys else. If i ever see u with another guy again. Im telling you ill beat the hell out of them. Understand?” he says that in a low and husky voice. pointing a finger at ur face. His breath fanning ur face. “yes baby.” you say to him. assuring that your sorry for the argument and hope that he never talks to another girl and that means if he doesnt u wont talk to any guy either. “But… im still gonna make sure that you know ur mine. And that you should be punished for ur actions.” He says turning u over. Bending u over. Slowly unzipping ur dress. As ur ass is pressed right against the bulge growing in his pants. he yanks off the dress off of you. “oh baby. Ur gorgeous.” u smile at his words. As hes staring up and down at u, in ur cute little underwear. He leans in for a kiss. A rough one. He kisses u deeply and passionate. Like as if u guys havent kissed in forever. He cups ur jawline/cheek as ur against the wall. You break the kiss. Ur both panting. “God i missed you. Pls dont ever be mad at me again. Lets not ever do that again. Okay?” you say to him, breathing heavily. “ofc baby. But less talking now, let me make love to you.” he says placing a finger over ur lip. then he starts unzipping his pants as the belt has already been off. He pulls his boxers down. Shit. U think to urself. Thats a big dick. U think once again widening ur eyes. He notices what ur thinking and ur eye contact with his cock. He smirks dangerously. Then he places you on the random bed there. he puts you in a backshot position. “Ready baby?” he says. U nod slowly. Gulping, knowing chris doesnt play with backshots. Hes rough. he then plunges in. U gasp. Widening ur eyes and gripping the sheets. He groans. He picks up the pace, pounding in to you. Your breasts bounce. “Yes good girl. Yes baby take it.” He says groaning into your ear. He gives ur ass cheek a firm slap. The only sound is skin to skin slapping. Ur muffled moans. And his masculine groans. “o-oh baby… im gonna c-cum. Oh baby!…” he says whimpering. u can feel it, he is close. u explode and milk his cock. Which makes him erupt inside you. (Btw yes u guys were wearing a condom but yk what i meant by that line) he moand loudly. “OH fuck y/n” he rides out the after shocks. Then with a sloppy pop, he takes his dick out of you. he then collapses on the bed on top of you. You both are breathing heavily. “You okay baby?” He asks stroking ur hair. You look up at him with doe eyes, but tiredly. “Sure i guess 😭, but it did feel good. Im fine now!” you tell him. He grins at you. You smile back. “Best aftercare” you say in sarcasm. Except u kind of arent joking. You guys then realize u arent at ur own house so he stands up. You admire his body as hes changing. His long big dick. His soft silky hair. His biceps. His height. And most importantly his dead blue eyes. He smirks as he knows ur looking at him. Then he helps you put on your clothes. you guys drive back home. When you get out of the car he picks u up in bridal style. His eyes never leaving yours. He then unlocks the door. And takes you to the bedroom. He assumes your tired so you both head to sleep. He spoons you and makes sure ur hair is out of the way and that ur comfortable. He gives a kiss to ur cheek. “Good night honey.” he says u act asleep except u heard what he said. you just enjoy the breathing sound of each other. And the heat radiating out of each others body.

(this is the end of the scenario so far. If u guys want a pt.2 comment down below. And if u guys do comment down if i should make it spicy or sweet?!!! Also this is just my first scenario and im pretty tired soo dont mind if its bad 😭😭)

[watchmegetobsessed]

okay this idea is based on this specific video so imagine that harry is a technician in yn’s crew on her world tour, he is shy and nerdy but they get along so well, they spend a lot of time together when she is off the stage.

so lets say yn is going through a rough time and she tells harry how she cant really focus on stage, its not the same anymore and she is not enjoying performing that much too.

there is this choreo she does for a song and harry has seen it so many times he knows the moves too at this point and this one time yn is having a particularly bad day but she has to perform anyway and harry wants to brighten her up so when the song comes on he just starts dancing with her from his spot on the floor and she sees him and it instantly brightens her mood and she can’t stop smiling for the test of the show and from then harry dances every time bc she told him how much she loved seeing him dance and fans start to notice him and record him dancing so it goes viral and everyone is like “well now we know who yn has been staring at in the crowd” or “they look so cute we need a vid of them dancing together” and they start to hardcore ship them and harry is like “i don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable about this” he is worried she might be upset people think they are an item and then she goes “well, im kind of one of them. i do ship up” and harry is like 😳 but then 🥰