#im good at oversharing

[fortheloveofsolas]

Am I Lucanis?

🤣 I've never been in a deep relationship. I've only been in a long distance and it was meaningful but didn't last due to outlier things. But honestly, I cannot picture someone liking me. Especially, in a romantic or physical way. I'm working on self-esteem soon because I've realised how I don't accept love easily. Like my adoptive family are AMAZING and they love me, I know that. But my brain always tells me "You could be better", "Do better". As if love is conditional. Like love is purely action, if I can't be a good daughter, sister etc. then how can they love me cause I haven't earnt it. I actually prayed to God recently, saying the same thing. I know Jesus died for me, but I'm a horrible sinner, so how could he love me?

So, if someone hinted something at me, it would automatically go over my head cause there's no way someone would see me that way. Dang, I relate too hard to Lucanis here. It's weird how trauma shapes your brain (I was a baby when put into foster care, best kinda scenario and yet still affected so)

There is something so sweet about just how innocent Lucanis can be. Between him saying "Oh, I have other plans for the evening 😉" only to sneak out of the villa to drink coffee by himself, and reacting to Rook's "So you want to stay up all night? However shall we pass the time?~" with "I'd like to just listen to your voice 😊" you can tell it may just be a recurring thing.

Imagine him being completely clueless about any subtle hints. You tell him you are cold sleeping alone at night, and he gets you a thicker blanket. You seductively stretch before him at the end of the day saying your back hurts and you could use a massage, and his first thought is to set you up with a prominent Treviso masseur. Zero flirting awareness, just big brown puppy eyes and a kind heart.

[wigglesforonce]

im bored waiting for my washing to finish so here are some of my favourite f1 photos ive found

kmag aegyo moment

schumacher & barrichello 1999, the prequal to the iconic sebchal 2019 bahrain photo

a andom monkey plush in the renault garage (bahrain 2006)

alex fitness photoshoot circa 2019

the mclaren boys meeting the spice girls??

seb holding hands w a random ferrari employee (spa 2010)

[yellowistheraddest]

fun fact: i eat potatoes raw, since childhood. one day i will die, it will be the potatoes

[salemoleander]

Have eaten some weed-infused honey and am now in a race to finish making quesadillas before that kicks in

[msburgundy]

thinking about all my friendships in the last ten years, those that have lasted and those that didn't, i've noticed one constant: people who have healthy boundaries by far make the best friends. people who simply won't let you be too much because they don't want it.

the other major thing is that overgivers are actually much worse to be around than selfish people. especially if you are an overgiver yourself.

it's easier to see things aren't working when you're dealing with a selfish person, but two overgivers get really enmeshed in a horrible way. and you almost can't even back track once you've let it get that far

so if you're worried about setting boundaries and having people not like you keep that in mind. it's the only way to have healthy relationships that actually last. people pleasers are not actually pleasing anybody lol

[jadeoru]

life update i found a place to stay for a bit while i figure things out !

[emotinalsupportturtle]

idk this is probably a very personal experience but I find it so annoying that every therapist, counsellor I talk to just seems to go ‘oh looks like you can deal with it’. Like I know enough tricks to be productive, I fucking understand why I’m failing and I intellectually know if I don’t procrastinate I’ll get so much more done. I get it’s probably meant as empowerment but it feels dismissive I don’t keep going to appointments for fun.

like this is not even blaming them idk if there is anything they can do other that encourage me but with study related stuff specifically they give the impression of not caring if you’re doing okay academically. Like I know my grades indicate I’m doing decently but I’m not even doing as half as well as I could and it’s killing me

[iamunabletothinkofablogname]

tw vent (mostly in tags)

Ah yes, the violent thoughts of revenge are back

[messrsrarchives]

i forgot that uni is actually quite lonely if you don't have plans and have minimal friends. what if i wanted to go to this event tonight? i shant. because my friends arent. they are all busy with other bubbles and i am not a bubble clasher. i am just a scared lil guy getting ready for bed at 6pm.

[carmenpeach]

hm okay something thats been on my mind for like over a year now. sometime last year? or maybe closer to almost 2 years(!?) i started taking antipsychotics cause i just couldnt stand the paranoia anymore it had been ruining my life and i just could not function as a person and i was sick of the daily panic attacks. but like i thought "if i dont like how this makes me feel, i can stop and just go back to being crazy" and obviously i wasnt enjoying it- mostly it made me feel really numb to enjoyment and i found that my special interests were just becoming background noise for me at most and it was really hard like i didnt wanna draw or even play games it was like "wake up go to work come home smoke weed go to bed repeat"

and it was like my stuffed animals quit feeling like sentient and started to feel like just objects and it made me feel sick. like my toys had always been alive in a way and then suddenly they werent, but thats definitly not the reason i was so distressed being sane, since i know that special objects are bound to over the years not feel like friends etc etc <- mentally ill whatever. it was like there was a sudden wash of clarity over me and i hated it.

like it was like i was split in two in a way, and this is the part thats hard to explain unless you personally know the feeling. a lot of schizophrenic people have this feeling of like another person/ self residing in the back of the head or spine. and it gives this sense of paranoia, of being over your shoulders or under your skin just beneath you. and until a few years ago i didnt know this was something other people felt sometimes, and it was terrifying just feeling this entity of sorts possessing me in a way. i had felt it ever since i was a kid (maybe 9? for sure became a hard issue by the time i was 12 though so you know. early schizophrenia if not life long) but i never mentioned it to anyone for a variety of reasons, primarily because there was this feeling that if i outwardly acknowledged it, then it would know that i knew about it, and it would get me. whether that was killing me, torturing me, pulling me into another dimension, or taking over my body. and after 2 decades it just became part of my every day life, this thing within me that would always look for an opportunity to torment me in some unknown but inhumane way. and it was just this all consuming feeling, even feeling its thoughts inside my head, and not being sure where i ended and it began, and i accepted it as just a part of me for better or for worse.

and so starting antipychotics, they did their job and i felt "normal" and i was sleeping regularily for the first time in my life (would lay awake for hours and hours ever sinde like idk 3rd grade. 5 hours a night max usually and then that was plagued by nightmares. and of course the constant hallucinations and delusions in the meantime made sleep even harder) and i even felt less of that endless anger inside of me. and i hated it. it was like after being on it for idk maybe 2 weeks or a month or something i just suddenly in the day felt this clarity wash over me and just like that, the spine creature was gone. it was quiet upstairs. and ive felt hollow ever since. i quit the medication not long after but ive felt the same. its like it got mad at me and left to teach me a lesson for trying to toy with it. and ive been a half human ever since. its spacious in my body and in my mind, used to holding two people and now its just one. and ive spent so much time trying to induce epiosdes and just hoping(?) it comes back, but it hasnt.

its like im being forced to live as a human when im not. "being human" is this like aspect ive always struggled with, like im not gonna go into it but ive been forced to live as a non human my whole life, and every time i start to feel that feeling of "maybe i could be a person" something fucking outlandish happens and kicks me back down. i feel like a cartoon character the way everything is such a "yeah this sort of shit would happen to me" moments all the time. and like in a weird way, i always had this "evidence" i was a non human, with this otherworldly thing living inside of me and it was me.

for a long time i thought of it as the "original" me before all the events in my life forced me to create a new version of myself, and that it hated me. like i was one person ripped in two, and the part you have now (carmen) is the "active" "half" but its only half of a full person. but the other half certainly wasnt a person either. ive had many theories of what it is/ was, but knew i would never know, all i knew was that i could never acknowledge it. and its funny cause knowing that "its just schizophrenia" doesnt ease that feeling. its hard to explain. but what im getting at is that ive spent the last two years learning to navigate myself as only a fraction of what i was before.

its interesting cause i wouldnt say the insanity is gone, every now and then paranoia rears its head and certain topics that would make me have an episode will still freak me out. but i can walk past mirrors now (mirrors were always a 100% episode inducing thing) and i still sleep regularily and ive been eating stable too. but its still with this feeling of hollowness. im used to there being two people inside my body and now its just one, and its too spacious and its almost like i get lost in there. only one set of thoughts in my head, only one person looking through my eyes, only one person controlling my arms. i always felt like an alien and thought i always would. and i found great joy in embracing my schizophrenia rather than hiding it as some terrible secret. and it was the best thing i ever did for myself, was finally being open about my psychosis. ive made so many meaningful connections to other psychotic people, and im so happy ive met ppl that helped me understand myself and that im not the only one that feels this, and also that ive helped other people realize their own psychosis too.

i thought i could play pretend at being a normal person and go back to myself if i didnt like it, but i ended up staying this way. i know its not impossible for that feeling to come back maybe, but my god its horrifying to lose it the way i did. it feels only the more recent months ive started to adapt to being the only me in my body, and to feel like i could maybe be human too. yeah it was scary, but on the other hand now its kind of lonely in a really weird way, and not something i thought was possible either, i can still feel the impression where it was even as it fills in with my own shape now.

[mimikyuno]

oh my gods??? that sounds so horrible. now ill be sure not to speak italian then?????

aah pls no worries!! i just have a lot of family related trauma (cartoonishly dysfunctional family) but also there’s this rly cool thing that happened to me when i moved to finland where i lost the ability to mask as an italian lmao

italy is a “high context” culture with a lot of gestures, expressions, subtext etc. and my autistic ass always felt like such an outsider and i have always had a lot of trouble socializing and communicating and i was bullied a lot as a kid. so moving to finland, a “low context” culture where people dont make small talk and go straight to the point and leave you alone has been so healing i forgot all my italian mannerisms… when i went back to italy the past few times every stranger we met thought i was a foreigner and was complimenting my italian LMAO 💀

[definitelynotnia]

bangla te vagueblog korte icche korche for some reason but ekhaneo english dhukei jabe, anyway-

shara jibon khub sheltered/caged bhabe thakar por jokhon choto choto hits of freedom ashe, eto fulfilling laage jodio jana kotha je kono boro bepar na and most peers have already done all of this

choto choto jinish, just emni goli te goli te ghora jeta aage korte chaile bari te bolto bhalo baarir meyera korena or wtv bullshit. even though akhono emon kono encouragement pacchina, shei lukiyei korte hocche but ekhon ektu confidence acche je dhora porleo mukh tule bolte parbo je im grown up and i deserve to have this. idk just random walks through neighbourhoods i would've never seen jodi 'barir niyom' follow kore choltam feels like such a liberating thing even though it means nothing. guilt kom laagche now that the "adult" tag works as a shield, even though baari te jhaar khawa is inevitable. idk keno suddenly mone hocche je life nijer haath e asche finally, and its a heavy burden to carry but also very liberating at the same time.

[skeletap]

sent out an email for something very very important to me. wish me luck.

[slutforsidewalks]

Big day tomorrow full of work I do not wanna do! I don't even get to go to my fun job :( Welp I guess there's nothing to do now except smoke some weed about it

[hesperidia]

why-are-sundays-so-depressing.mp3

[malhare-archive]

Thank you so so much to everyone who has donated and reblogged my post, it means the world to me!! It's a massive psychological weight off my shoulders to be able to buy medicine or groceries without obsessively budgeting to the cent to ensure that I'll make rent