#im gonna get myself a drink in a bit
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…..uh….guys don’t tell what happened
this one shouldn’t know
i do not like the sound of this. is there something that i dont know?! arceus save me......
#rotomblr#pkmn irl#thanks for the ask!#trainer kieran#pokemon fanart#....they dont bite..right????#wowzers it got a little chilly outside haha...... *sweats profusely*#im gonna get myself a drink in a bit#you guys are making me work up a sweat more than i work out in two days..... geez....
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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the current state of the arg
sorry guys the art isnt arting D:
(btw if youre confused on why i drew turnip like that i was referencing the picrew he did ages ago bc idk it looked fun to draw anddd i dont like taking reference off real life images)
#i felt like just a lillll bit of a creep relistening to voice messages over and over to find a good quote but. yk what. it was worth it#i totally didnt take reference from the really cool face i used in that animation because im still really proud of it#idk if emi or TD have a sona but if they do im not aware of it and i didnt feel like asking so i just drew both of them as blank characters#im too stressed to scheme lol#maybe#just maybe#i need to stop drinking tea because the caffiene makes me anxious#...#naaaaahhhh#i dont really know what to do with myself atm because i dont want to work on the animation unless turnon is ok out of pure spite#this morning i was absolutely radiating stress#i have a friend who shows up so we can walk together to school and she could tell smth was off lol#i literally could not hide it at all even if i wanted too#i kept pulling my hat over my face thats the main way you can tell that im stressed#not that it really matters that you know that bc none of you are ever gonna witness that but. fun fact abt me ig#ugh#if turnon dies i am gonna cry so hard <333#and i wont finish the animation <333333333#(at this point just trying anything to get turnon back)#im gonna make a word doc#i make word docs when im stressed /hj#quick question turnip : is there a way to get turnon out of the situation he is in or is he just gonna die and theres nothing we can do#about it /gen#because i have a sneaky suspicion that we cant actually do anything about this#i swear to god#LETS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!!#A DEFRAG MIGHT COME OUT TMR!!#its been 21 days and a defrag takes on average 20-25 days#ough#turnip and addon im gonna find where you live and i will burn your respective houses down
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Mmm having another like venting in my head but knowing the second im done venting im gonna be like you didnt mean that tho moment
#its just hhhh I was not in the mood for other people today and my friend came over and took most of my day away and like… oh maybe there is#such a thing as relying too much on people and its this friend like rrrrr the i didnt mean that is because no people need to talk about thin#gs it’s healthy I dont want people to think theyre bad for taking my time its just that I wasnt feeling it for most of today I needed to be#by myself and like enjoy my games by myself and I attempted to make that known and i dont think they got the hint#and just hhh stop trying to bring up your problems right now this is my time to play a game I really wanna enjoy and i dont think im enjoyin#it as much as I could if I played it first by myself and I didnt say that directly so no way they could know and I will finish it on my own#hopefully if i have time cause thats it I dont have enough time for myself I need me time#and also my friend Needs to stop making suicide jokes. thats it thats the main one. like dude im having fun how do i respond to the reminder#that my friend doesn’t want to live#and going back attempting to bring up a problem while im gaming. I could of answered their question better but i was in such a mood that it#was like okay im gonna dismiss you and I dont want to dismiss struggling people no thats not who i want to be i want to help#… I hate it when I cant help so much#vent#I swear the timing of this to be when a certain someone went to bed was purely coincidence its just that I got back from friend hang rn#tw suicide mention#why is it when im in a mood I just sorta hate some of my friends like i was getting annoyed at them taking my drinks/snacks when usually im#like oh yeah go for it#is it oh youre in a mood you get the opposite of your usual love your friends with your entire heart or is it that like deep down I think th#ey take more than they give back. I have before almost said that I feel like I help their issues but they dismiss mine but then i got distra#cted by them essentially helping with it but like im not even sure if that was in response to me saying im lonely#also okay at one point they thanked me it was the bit where they said im their reason to live and then immediately asked if they could come#over and its like. well okay i feel like I have no choice here#and yesterday they mentioned oh i think I might take up too much of your time or something and like im too nice to tell you yeah sometimes#but it is to note i didn’t outright say no you dont I always love spending time with you or something i said oh i tell you if i really cant#due to homework. I am not made to be immediately busy immediately after i finish school I need time for myself#and im sorry you don’t have things to do on sat-wed but I have work I need to do cause there’s always so much work so at least thanks for#letting me have that time#… I love them I want to see them get better… so i wont say this to them
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1/ true to luner new year tradition I've caught a cold after finally getting home and being able to unclench my cheeks. minor one probably so its just gonna be very annoying for a while 2/also true to luner new year tradition I've jumped into something new with No preamble so. hopefully I get this one done fast and we have a 12pg scribbly comic on hand 3/ I'm on bluesky now. do not ask abt what Ive been posting on there u will see
#bakuspeech#one small thing I can tell u rn is. the comic is a fancomic. if ur on my bsky u will probably know of what#listen. every few years I'll return to my roots like this. idk why Im trying to excuse myself or something I can do what I want forever#probably first sign of me not feeling Perfect yesterday was me drawing on my current tablet with. the previous one's stylus#and complaining Out Loud that the pressure was. not fully fucked? but Really weird. a whole stylus of a different color in my hand#sketch comms will still be fulfilled inbetween and after drawing this! but ngl I wanna be on my full faculty for that. it requires a lot of#quick thinking and problem solving that I dont think I can manage with a cold#well. more like if I'm not on my best mind I get frozen up and do Very boring things bc it feels safer#and with sketch comms I feel like that betrays the sentiment of it#we were doing good work. we gotta do right by each others#anyways! anyways. I'll treat myself to this comic for a bit. not even gonna draw much bgs for it lol I wanna test a technique#learned it from my friend truc... always wanted to figure it out since I saw it#stay tuned!! have a good day!!! enjoy hot drink!!!!
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so i went on a date today.
#it went really well#we met up at 4pm for like walk and coffee and then maybe pints after#tell me how its now 3am and i am just now getting into bed#fully yapping for hours w that guy#and we kissed and i was a bit like oh hes nice but idk if im like sexually attracted to him but after that smooch yeah okay#i can get down with this#but now im kinda spiraling bc i didnt bring up being aro and idk when you bring that up#and im like gaslighting myself again that maybe im not aro bc today was so fun but like#watch me date this guy for like three months then the aro signs will be strong w me#its just like hyperfixation excitement but idk#or is that the gaslighting and i acc do feel romantic towards him#god i wish my brain made sense to me sometimes#oh also this was my first first date since jan 2023 so like its been a minute for me#anyways maybe i should stop panicking and just like enjoy it as it goes#bc just bc first date went well doesnt mean its gonna become a thing thing for sure right? so no need to worry rn#i liked holding his hand tho and him kissing me on the cheek and usually i dont like that#but also i was three drinks in so maybe it was alcohol courage idk??? aaaaaaaaaaaaaa#being aro is so confusing#aromantic
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i had a great day a comic con today!
highlights include meeting emelie de raven
annnnd getting my first tattoo!
#it's the x-men logo on my left bicep#i hadnt planned this at all - i didnt know you could get tats at cons#but i saw it. and liked the look of it. and something just clicked in my head. didn't get it right away tho i met emelie first#so i had all the time in the world. and while the photo with her was being processed - i got the tattoo#it turned out perfect. not gonna show it off because its been bleeding quite a bit and doesn't look so nice now#but when its all healed up and cleaned up i'll get some pics#but yeah. holy shit i have a tattoo. i drink alcohol and got modification on a whim? oh yes. im a wild girl now kjhfdskjh#anyways. its my first convention since 2018. and my first one without mum of course#i found out about it a week beforehand and it just felt right. which feels like a step in a good direction for me#i made the day of it. and spent the birthday money mum gave back in september. and then some!#nothing at comic con is cheap so i was like. fuck it go ham#i got lotsa merch. i think my favourite purchase (other than stuff with emelie and the tat) is a silver star trek ring i got <3#i like merch with staying power. like clothes and jewellery#oh oh speaking of which i wore my star trek voyager comm badge brooch today. i'd never worn it before so that was nice#one day im gonna get myself a voyager trek uniform to go with my badge and my pips. and i'll wear that to a con#i've gone to several cons but i've only cosplayed once! ...it can be tricky to get organised. but i'll do it again someday#so yeah great day! my feet are fucking killing me! but im so happy!
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2023 Saudi Arabian Grand Prix - Post-Qualifying - Fernando Alonso(ft. Sergio Perez & Charles Leclerc)
#obligatory 'adjusting race suit' shot i cant help myself#its funny that i have gifs of nando drinking water both 18 yrs ago and 18 yrs later#im also gonna gif a bit of oscars post race interview bcs i am very proud okay????#was hoping for nando pole but i will take p2 i will take it#lmao nando is the only driver my dad knows(bcs of me) and he was so upset abt him not getting pole LMAO#he came back in and is like 'hes not on pole??? i wanted fernando to get pole :(' me too dad me too#fernando alonso#2023 saudi arabian grand prix#sergio perez#charles leclerc#f1#formula 1#formula one#we do a little bit of f1#of course right after i post this they show his post race interview NOOOOOOO well ill have to go without
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i was gonna try and speedrun the second perfectly regular fic today but then i got blasted with cramps and brainfog and suddenly its 7pm and ive done absolutely nothing except cry about fictional characters and stew in the Bad Brain Sauce which is so unfair
#kasey rambles#gonna get a bit venty in the tags#i am like. hormones fucking SUCK man#because sometimes i am just sitting here wondering if people i care about dislike me now... normal oak core for realsies#and my period cramps are sooo bad the first couple of days like i can barely move even WITH painkillers let alone once they wear off#i was gonna be so productive today too :( was gonna cook and clean and do shit#instead im just. bleh.#so tempted to just make myself a drink and hope for the best
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starting to belive that statistic about college students putting on weight while living on campus. having unrestricted access to unlimited ammounts of preprepared food has not done wonders for my weight let me tell you.
#daphnes talking again#tw weight talk#tw food#BUT. ill be real here. i love having a bit of belly fat.#i think. its an attractive quality.#and i uh. like it. on me#plus. gonna get a bit sad here#i didnt eat alot over quarentine.#i lost. a LOT. of weight.#im not good at estimating so i wont try to#but i was eating one small meal a day for a good while. and i stopped drinking water for awhile#because i just. had no energy to move and make myself anything. or even to like. reach for my waterbottle.#so i got. really thin. the thinnest ive ever been.#i didnt even notice until someone pointed it out.#but uh. yeah. ive been gaining back the weight i lost ever since then.#its been slow but i think. its an achievement.#to eat three times a day. and have the energy to eat as much as i want.
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im so glad im getting better lately and thinking of the future as full of possibilities and options. what really keeps me going lately has been thinking about graduating high school and moving out and going to college, getting a job, living my life normaly and on my own pace, which is such a big change from the plans i had made just a few months back. im feeling sorta hopeful about my future for once and its great. i want to grow old now. its great
#i mean it doesnt mean i have a clear vision of what i want to be as an adult and if im even gonna go to college#but. idk im living through it#gosh im just. im just so so glad i cant put it into words#its funny too cus just a couple of days ago i was in absolute misery because of the big test i had to do dfshgh#but actually doing it made something click for me i think. i came out of the building feeling so#so light i guess#it was raining a bit and i just wanted to walk#so i told my mom it was too crouded and for her to pick me up someplace else#and i walked to a bus stop while eating one of the worst cereal bars i have ever eaten and my shoes were all muddy and i had a headache#but idk. i felt. really good#you see i am a certified teenager im six months away from being 17 im living that late teen blues#where my face is becoming a little less greasy and my frontal lobe a little more developed#and that means its almost time for college and for drinking and for partying and for moving out#and like. man#its dawned on me that the plans i had the ones about offing myself when i graduated highschool#they just odnt hold up anymore#i WANT to graduate i WANT to move out to my own apartment#i WANT to get a job; to come out properly; to study art; to put these years behind me and live#and im not saying i want to embrace everything that comes with adulthood no#what the fuck even is a tax. what do you mean i have to pay for my own internet. what the hell water bill#but just the fact that i actually want to go through all the shit parts so i can live the good parts means a lot to me#idk at this point im just rambling#dont want to kill myself anymore yippie hooray#schools definetelly gonna be Hell next year but i want to get through it so i can live the good part of life#im also ok about not going to college. like fuck man if i dont go then i didnt go thats that#i do have one (1) cringe unrealistic expectation which is omg what if me and my current bf stayed together forever [autism stare]#at this point im just incoherently rambling sorry there was alot i wanted to say and i ended up losing whatever sense of writing i had.#if you read through all of thank you tho. extremely personal i know but idk. im happy#sg.txt
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rambling in tags
#me when i get even the slightest bit of recognition#like#TYSM!!!!#i fucking love it when people interact with my work!#or me!!!#its great to talk to cool people!#and im a bit awkward but thats ok!!!#because my therapist said im getting better!!!!!!#which i classify as a win!#ive got a few new problems but im gonna make it!#i still dont have much hope for the future but i know that i can do something!#and i love you guys#/gen /p#youre all so amazing and nice to me#and i wanna say thank you for that because i know i can be pretty weird sometimes and just generally unstable#so its really nice to see theres opeople who are at least semi-cool with that#im trying my best to enjoy the little things in life and let myself have the childish things i couldnt when i was younger#and its definetly helping for me#anyways idk why you read this but thank you i love you#remember to try and drink water and go outside!
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oh. so you cant complete din'an hanin without a warrior or rogue to get into one of the rooms. cool.
#personal#da#dai#i appreciate that they give you two ways to get in (assuming the locked door and wall bash lead to the same room)#but i am but a single mage#well. i guess that was useless then. no decent xp and that's what im going for rn#what pride had wrought is recommended for level 16-19 so im aiming to be at least 20. 21 if i can but i think that'll be a bit too hard#to be fair i havent even unlocked emprise du lion and the exalted plains but like. my goal here isnt to 100% the game it's just to finish i#it's going well tho. im level 18 and i accidentally ran into a level 20 fade rift and didnt have any trouble#but im not gonna risk it for a quest that i cant back out of without having to restart it entirely#i was also thinking it would be a good playthrough to drink from the well but uhh. no i am not giving myself an extra dragon fight lmao
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didn't even get to do my ironing :-(
#tw self harm#i was looking forward to it.. i usually find it calming n a nice way to end a weekend#but kept having thoughts abt intentionally burning myself or hitting myself with the iron so im leaving it for another day#its fine if my clothes are a bit crumpled at work anyway. i think i have some extra stuff i ironed i didnt wear last week too#im safe btw its fine ive been using ice + gentle pressure on my skin to take the edge off (i keep my nails too short to scratch dw)#if i did have to cut it wouldnt be ideal but its a neutral act i try not to judge it. but ik its less safe + i dont want it to become#a habit again bc i already let myself do it last weekend and im still a bit frustrated abt it bc id been managing so well#and it was the first time since january. and before then i hadnt since august which is a really big deal for me!#bc last year + year before i was really struggling with reliance on it. i had months where i was doing it daily or every other day#and its hardest to stop when its habitual. once on occasion is much more manageable so lets keep it that way#one day itll be the last time i ever do it and ill be clean the rest of my life but i dont think im near that yet#it feels kind of uncomfortable to type this out but i want to stop keeping my thoughts on s/h in my head bc i get weird abt it#and the last thing i need right now is to get weird abt harming urges again. and i dont think my friends are safe to talk to abt it#so talking on here is the closest thing i have to being open abt it. im tired of it being so stigmatised#ultimately its just a coping mechanism. even if it can be unsafe but like drinking or smoking or whatever to feel better is no safer so#but still i dont want to encourage it. anyway#at least ive calmed down a bit now. and i finished some admin i was putting off earlier#and now i need to sleep bc work tomorrow. just glad the weekend is over its so much easier to cope on work days#just the structure and distraction of it innit. we'll get through this week#and im back on the more stable dose again for meds this week as well so hopefully thatll help#and i think my periods due which has probably been tipping these mood swings over into intolerable#so hopefully thatll start tomorrow or tues and the hormonal shit will recede 🙏#all good. okay im gonna meditate a little and then sleep goodnight 😴#.diaries
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i wish i wasn't so shy
#the bin#theres a party happening where i work tomorrow after close. i really like my coworkers but i cant make myself go#im so tired of being home alone all the time but :/ the coworker i dont like isnt even gonna be there so i wouldnt have to deal but :/#i just cant. i know at least most of my coworkers like me but. hhhh. the thought of going makes me super anxious#i dont know why it makes me so nervous. but the fact ill definitely have to see all these people again doesnt help bc if i seem weird its#a permanent fumble. until i move at least.#i can be normal in work settings because i dont HAVE to talk. i can focus on working and i think that actually makes people see me as very#professional. it certainly did at my last job. and where i work now im always tryna make sure if theres stuff to be done that im doing it#and asking. whenever theres nothing to do i feel so awkward and bored. a few of my coworkers are nice to talk to but we only talk bc they#have nobody to talk to. when its more than 1 other person then those 2 people usually talk to each other and i do nothing#idk. this sorta thing isnt the kind athing everyone likes doing but it feels like the kinda thing i would actually enjoy if i wasnt so shy#its weird to me that i was able to push past some of my social anxiety in order to get a job. but that only happened bc i was fully forced#to. and i procrastinated it quite a bit. i forced myself to deal with stuff previously so i could go to the store and that was the same case#i fully tan out of food and drink for 3 days before i finally forced myself to walk to the store out of pure necessity bc i HAD to#since the ppl i lived with refused to go to the store even tho i was out of food#and now i do those things fine. i get kinda anxious but its really fine#but i cant force myself to do other things. it sucks so much#well. it doesnt matter.
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DONE WITH WORK. (I forgot to celebrate because of the misery (heatwave)) but I've got four days of freedom ahead of me, with lots of fun stuff, and I just ordered incredible sounding indonesian food. Life is good.
#I'm going to the hairstylist tomorrow#and I'm gonna buy a birthday gift for my friend and mother#and treat myself to some ice cream 'cause it's a million degrees#I'm having drinks with my friend slash crush#it's my son's first day of school tomorrow hope he's doing well!#maybe I'll do some shopping for new clothes I'm rebranding myself#ordered a book to improve my administrative skills which will come tomorrow#got some therapy assignments to close off that chapter to get through#and i bought a cute notebook and pen for my russian lessons#my friend is celebrating her birthday on sunday#excited for the week but wishing it wasnt this hot cursing god#personal#my therapist made a comment about me wearing black a lot and it being a representstion of being closed off and protective of myself maybe#so im looking into looking a bit more approachable and open and vulnerable etc#I'll keep the personality but add some color
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