#and i think my periods due which has probably been tipping these mood swings over into intolerable

[phagodyke]

didn't even get to do my ironing :-(

[myrecovery18]

A year in Recovery

After a year in recovery from restricting there are things that I noticed I did before that I no longer or rarely do or that I’m able to eat now. Plus a little tips on what helped me recovery and stick with it. 

TW: MENTIONS OF RESTRICTING, ANAMIA, BIRTHCONTROL,  RECOVERY, TO THE BONE, TRAINING, LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, SELF RECOVERY TIPS, & LITTLE HEALTH RANT IN THE MIDDLE.

I’m aware I can’t count calories anymore because I mentally will go under 1,500 calories without fail. 

When I use to eat I use to watch an edit of “To the Bone” religiously, I only watch it now when I want to. I don’t want to watch it when I eat. 

I use to sit in class and save food recipes or pictures of food to a Pinterest board instead of paying attention because I got bored and was thinking about food

I use to workout for an hour and a half in the morning and would get pissed if I couldn’t. I quit working out for a year until I was able to and injured my knee only to restart this year because working out is the one thing I know that helps relieve stress. Instead of focusing on working out as a form of losing weight, I focus on it now as a hobby, if I don’t do it one day that’s fine. I don’t get upset at myself. That took awhile to build that mentality especially coming from a 10 yr athletic background with a physical sport that required you to train 3 hours a day like volleyball. 

I used to eat and feel panicked about being watched by others; rarely do I think about that now. I can’t give you advice on how to stop that mentality.

I avoided eating Garlic bread for six years, it was apart of my fear foods. I nearly cried when I ate it for the first time this year and didn’t feel an ounce of anxiety. It still scares me the idea of eating it, but physically eating it doesn’t bring me anxiety. 

There are days where I eat one meal and I don’t blame myself, but I do let others know that I forgot to eat because my hungry cues didn’t signal that I was in fact hungry and needed to feed myself. 

While in recovery, I’ve come to realize that when I miss a meal, my body will pick up either the next day or two days later and tell me it’s hungry. I don’t force myself to eat if I’m not hunger. 

I use to cook myself every meal so I knew what was going into it or I monitored what my family was putting into the food. I don’t do that now or I use to make my own plate and make it smaller than I needed it to be. I allow for them to cook my food and plate it if they want to. 

I use to have bad mood swings; I rarely do. 

I use to drink coffee because I knew it is a natural laxative for me when I was having a bad day; I don’t drink it anymore for that reason. I drink it because I like the taste and enjoy coffee. The upset stomach is a negative now.  

Being told to lose weight by doctors or family members or that I was getting bigger would trigger me but now I don’t bother to acknowledge it since I know most doctors don’t acknowledge the pills I’ve been on caused the weight gain. The only doctor I’ve accepted the weight loss advice was my neurologist because I went through all the test and they came back normal, so I know I suffer from migraines naturally.

Birth Control Pills: I’m not a fan of them and refuse to be placed back on them despite the other ladies I go to pushing it on me to regulate my abnormal bleeding I recently had. Despite the fact I told her it was caused by the other Gyno’s failure to notice that it counteracts with my migraine medicines and caused the bleeding to extend by putting me on the birthcontrol pill I didn’t want (Side Note: I have iron deficiency anemia that no one can really fix because my panels come back with a weird combination so due to the gynos mistake it kicked in and I had to take my iron pills because I was getting exhausted too fast because of my blood loss which made me have more headaches. I do not take them daily because my previous doctors said I had too much iron in my system but I have a hard time storing it which is why every doctor I see can’t really fix it or diagnose it again because my panels read either too high, normal or low, so cheers to that.) I know this because my recent period lasted 7 days and was normal flow similar to how they use to be before I got on before control. I say this because your doctors won’t listen to you and will prescribe you a medicine regardless of your wishes. I decided not to take it and even now I’m losing the weight I gained slowly. 

My migraine medicine: Is used for both migraines (my neurologist wanted to boost it to the highest dose which I didn’t agree with since I already have the muscle tingles that happen all day and are annoying and could get kidney stones and I know I don’t drink enough water to stop that from happening; so I stuck to the dose I’m on. Again sometimes your doctors can be wrong. GO with what you’re comfortable with) and weight loss. The weight I’m losing could be contributed to that or the fact I stopped my BC pills, I’m unsure which or the fact I’m working again. 

So what helped me recover? 

 For one, I had a support system that kept me accountable in the form of my boyfriend who knew I struggled with eating. Including one of my highschool friend who kept track of if I eat in highschool when we were at lunch together, when my boyfriend couldn’t be there. Once I got into college, it became my own responsibility to hold myself accountable for eating and sometimes that didn’t happen because I become hyper-focus on one thing (still do) and fail to remember to eat. My boyfriend still checked in whenever he could to make sure I did eat whenever he choose to 

I changed my mentality. I no longer look for a diet to do. If I eat what society sees as unhealthy or healthy that doesn’t concern me. I’m going to eat what helps my body because I know what helps it. I know personally if my body doesn’t get enough nutrition I’ll suffer a headache and will get tired later on that day. You have to know your body and that starts with your mental. Some days will be bad and that just comes with recovery.

Eating the foods you like. I’m lucky enough to be on a college campus that allows us to be back in person during a pandemic and is serving us food. By them do this, I don’t often eat in my dorm room so I can save my food or don’t eat out or order in as often. Last semester when I lived in my own apartment, I ordered food a lot and I wasn’t ashamed by it. It just took a lot of my money. My college thankfully has the healthier options available for students who can’t eat meats or doesn’t prefer it. If I don’t eat in my cafetria on campus, I’ll go to our schools tea room if it’s open to grab something to eat if I don’t like anything they have, unless I ultimately have no time left I’ll eat in my room. 

I choose to eat whatever. Some days I’ll eat more vegetarian than meat or vegan that vegetarian or I’ll eat more meat if I want it. However, I do know that there’s days I’ll crave pizza. I don’t hold back and I’ll go get a pizza and it’ll last me three or two meals depending on how hungry I am or if I get Chinese food, that’s two meals. I learned to stop holding myself holding myself back from my cravings. If I want something, I’ll eat it.

One of the last things that helped me was watching over people go through recovery the same time I was choosing to. These people have already recovery so they don’t have many videos up anymore from that time in their lives so I can’t tag their channels here and probably won’t ever. But they helped me get through and see that I wasn’t alone. That it was okay to feel the things I was feeling. 

Lastly, I learned to start to love myself. I haven’t fully done it yet. But I don’t hate myself either. It’s taking time to realize that I deserve better in life. That despite what I look like, even if it’s at my heaviest or at my lowest I won’t care what people think of me as long as I love how I look. Now that’s been a struggle to work with and I’m only a few months into that mentality, but it feels good. I spent majority of my life avoiding mirrors and avoiding taking pictures with my family to the point I don’t have many pictures of myself from the times I grew up to now. Or I hardly understand some days how I look because I don’t look in the mirror. But I slowly starting to. I can tell in pictures on days where I do love myself and have confidence that I’m happier. I also learned to understand my worth and know that I shouldn’t feel miserable in a friendship. 

There’s small things you can do to recover now. It’s not an over night thing. There’s days where recovery will see pointless or if you’re even doing it right or if you’re just faking it for the shits and giggles, but you’re doing a good thing. Ultimately, recovery is about you. It’s not for anyone else. Not for your family, or your friends or your boyfriends or your pets. It’s for you and you alone. Because it only effects you physically and mentally and emotionally. You’re the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and has to actively choose to heal and keep healing every single day. It’s not going to be easy. I only listed a few things I’ve been through that was singular for me and important to me to voice, there were more things I did. I wish you all the best whether you choose recovery now, tomorrow, or in the future. Please stay safe.  

[jamesbvck]

change your mind | two

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader (Modern AU, High School!Bucky) Summary: Senior Year: the last year to be a somebody or a nobody. A chance to fall in love, ace that final exam and make memories. After a terrible first impression, Bucky makes it his mission to fix the mistake he made with the new girl. Will they get their chance? Warnings: swearing, brief mention of drugs, implied sex (mentioned), ghosts? A/N: Thank you for all the nice comments on the first chapter!! Just an FYI these chapters go by months so they are longer! Feedback is encouraged! :D

CYM MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

Happy Hogan’s Diner looked like it was taken out of a 50s movie. It was retro with a jukebox in the corner playing tunes, chairs and booths were clothed in faux red leather  and the floor was checkered. It had been a long time hang out spot for the group, you had learned. A place to get away for awhile and forget about school stress. You accompanied them more often than not. Saturday nights seemed to be the prime night. Someone was always inviting you to join along, usually it was Peggy or Steve but Sam and Clint were always enthusiastic when you joined.

You helped Sam push two long tables together and you opted to sit beside him. It was the first Saturday in October and rain poured outside. So what was better than burgers and milkshakes to cheer everyone up? Peggy, Steve, Natasha, and Bucky sat on the opposite side with Clint plopping down next to you. You couldn’t believe after a few weeks you had friends, genuine people that wanted to hang out with you. Truthfully if it wasn’t for Peggy you weren’t sure where’d you be. Probably sitting in your room doing homework and watching an old movie.

“What milkshake should I get?” You asked Sam, leaning over to look at his menu.

“Oreo, definitely Oreo,” he replied. “Or Peanut Butter.”

You hummed. There were a variety of options but Oreo did sound the most appealing. The table shared three large fries and onion rings, everyone getting their own burger. You hated to admit it but Bucky was right; the burgers were the best. You couldn’t tell him that though, he’d probably gloat and say ‘I told you so’ and would never let it go.

To your surprise he was quiet tonight. Normally at the lunch table him and Sam were the loudest ones. You snuck a peek at him. He was relaxed, arm over the back of Natasha’s chair. Some people greeted the table to chat about the football season and praise the boys for their work towards another trophy. Bucky remained cool, almost too cool for your liking. As if he knew he was la crème de la crème. After that first home game, Bucky had made you a ‘special promise’: Next touchdown will be for you, doll.

If you had rolled your eyes any harder they would have fallen out of your head.

You breathed in, glancing around at the neon signs. You tried not to eavesdrop but you were dying to know what Steve was whispering to Peggy. She was giggling and beaming. Natasha looked naeustiated and you couldn’t help but laugh to yourself. Sam stretched out, smoothly resting his arm along the back of your chair. You tipped your head.

“Can I help you with something?”

Sam was cheeky. “Long limbs.”

“Right.”

He chuckled, turning to look at you. “How was your first month of school? I kinda wish we had a class together. Maybe next semester.”

Sam was genuine, you had learned that rather quickly. When he asked how are you, he meant it. He wanted to hear stories about your four other schools and how it worked out. Turns out Sam moved to Valhalla when he was ten and one of his best friends, Riley, was attending Ria High. He said he had a hard time entering high school without Riley but it seemed to turn out pretty alright in the end.

“I survived, so I guess it was fine,” you shrugged. “Can’t complain too much.”

“Exactly. You met me, so there is no complaining allowed.”

You liked Sam. Sam was good people, especially when he could get you to laugh.

“Just wait until she actually knows you, then she’ll complain nonstop,” Bucky pushed back his chair causing it to scrape the floor.

“You just hate the fact that I am likable and the cutest one of the group, man.”

Bucky flipped Sam off, getting up with Clint. The two exited through the side door. You watched them through the window standing under the awning to shield themselves from the rain. Bucky placed a cigarette between his lips, chatting with the few others out there. Clint mimicked his actions but you highly doubted it was nicotine due to his constant bloodshot eyes.

“Do you smoke?” You asked Sam. You had never seen him smoke, but there were such things as occasional smokers.

He shook his head, “Not my thing. Just whiskey and beer for me. Guess everyone has their bad habits and that’s theirs.”

You agreed, sipping on your milkshake. Your eyes found their way back to the window. Using the toe of his combat boot, Bucky squished the end of the cigarette and yanked open the door. Him and Clint returned to the table just as the food arrived. Clint’s new stronger smell was lingering to his jacket. He leaned over and grabbed a fist full of fries. You couldn’t help but laugh to yourself. Clint could eat anything in sight.

The conversation flowed easily. Sam stole a few sips of your milkshakes when he thought you weren’t looking, although you scolded him after. A fellow student approached, Connie Anderson. You had seen her around school and sometimes you heard the boys speak of her. Connie was beautiful with soft brown hair and big brown eyes, her nose was turned up and cheeks rosy. She floated gracefully to the end of the table saying a brief hello to the group before her attention was solely on Bucky.

He was reclined, head leaned back to look up at her. Connie’s hand glided around the leather of his letterman sleeve and stopped at his hand, lifting it up to lace their fingers. You were puzzled. Were Bucky and Connie a thing? You hadn’t recalled but when did you really pay a lot of attention to Bucky? His hand rested on her hip, finger locking around the belt loop to tug her closer. She effortlessly obliged, going as far to use his lap as a seat.

You forced yourself to drag your gaze away. Staring for too long would be creepy and you weren’t in the mood for some snippy comment from Bucky. You felt a little awkward, shifting in your chair. There was an unfamiliar pang in the pit of your stomach that made you slightly unsettled. Nausea? Maybe. You scooted back, getting up and rounding the table. You caught Bucky’s head snap to watch you walk to the bathroom. Peggy was hot on your trail.

“What’s wrong?” Peggy caught the swinging door before it closed.

“Nothing, Peg,” you replied. “Just, you know, trying to go to the bathroom…”

Peggy blinked, almost unsure. “Right. Sorry. You got up quick from the table and I was on high alert.”

“Peggy,” you pushed out a laugh. “Go back. Steve will get worried about you.”

She had no counter remark. Peggy’s cheeks flushed, ducking her head before scurrying out of the bathroom. Your own smile faded as the door closed, breathing in deeply. The pang was subsiding. You rested against the subway tiled wall and mindlessly scrolled through your phone until an appropriate amount of time passed. Whatever that feeling was, it didn’t make you feel the greatest.

A few booths became occupied as you wandered back to the table. Bucky and Connie were gone from their spots. You eased back down to sit beside Sam, eyes lingering on the empty chair that was once Bucky’s. Everyone seemed to be finished with their meal having pulled out some cash.

“I didn’t get a bill.” Your brows furrowed looking at the others with their own checks.

“You sure?” Sam lifted up some napkins and looked around to make sure he hadn’t grabbed yours.

“I think Bucky paid for you. Saw him go up to the register and pay.” Peggy said.

“Why the hell would he do that?”

“Hey, don’t question it. You just got free food!” Clint patted your arm with a goofy smile.

No one seemed to have anything else to say, shrugging it off and getting up from their seats. It didn’t sit right with you. What was Bucky playing at? You didn’t need your meal paid for when you were capable of doing it yourself. You huffed quietly, following the others. The rain let up to a mist, pavement slick and street lights glowing orange. You got into Peggy’s car, closing the door and sighing. Peggy and Steve lingered in front of the doors, Steve talking and rubbing the back of his next. Peggy had her hands behind her back, nervously twiddling with her fingers.

Ridiculous, you thought. They were both absolutely ridiculous.

Peggy climbed into the chair a few moments later, starting the engine and smoothing down her hair. You were silent but gave her a knowing grin to which she laughed and reversed out of the spot.

“Is Bucky dating Connie?”

Peggy glanced over at a red light. “I won’t call it dating. Everyone knows Connie has had a crush on Bucky since the tenth grade but it’s not… well…”

You could piece the rest together. Bucky didn’t feel the same except for when it was convenient and he was down for a fuck. You weren’t sure why it surprised you. If anything it validated his lack of morale. Then again, it wasn’t of your concern as long as it was consensual. You continued to look out the window as Peggy drove back to your neighbourhood. She parked in her driveway and you jogged across the street, waving goodnight.

Evenings were quiet while your mother worked at the hospital on rotating shifts. You locked the door and left the porch light on for her, going upstairs. You settled into bed, taking the book assigned to you from your English Lit teacher to read. Your eyes scanned the words but your mind found itself drifting elsewhere.

Bucky failed to show up to first period on Monday. The desk beside you was vacant, no trace of him to be found. It was the first day it was quiet. He wasn’t there to poke at you with his pen or whisper something unimportant during Pierce’s long winded lecture. Too quiet, you thought. A strange new quiet that somehow made you feel uncomfortable. You actually wrote thorough notes, taking the time to highlight and underline emphasized words. You did, however, wonder what Bucky would say about Pierce’s continuously receding hairline.

“He’s going to turn into Skeletor.”

Your eyes rolled over to look at Bucky. He appeared quite content with his cartoon reference. He had his pen between his teeth, slouched posture with his left arm dangling off the desk.

“Does that make you He-Man?” You whispered back.

Bucky removed the pen, quite surprised you had humoured him in replying. He had a dumb grin on his face and immediately you regretted speaking.

“Only if you’re Teela.”

You scoffed, “Fat chance.”

The bell rang and tore you from you short memory. You packed up and headed to the second floor where you were greeted with Steve’s absent desk, too. You frowned, now today really was going to drag.

It came to your attention at lunch that when the boys had an away game that they got the day “off” due to travel. The bus didn’t leave until the afternoon but sometimes they’d have full morning practices. Or, as Natasha imputed, most of them would just fuck off and sleep like Clint until it was time to go. From your spot at the lunch table outside you could see the student parking lot. Bucky’s Jeep was in its usual spot so he had to be around, maybe in the weight room with Steve, you thought. The bus would be rolling out soon. The table was mute with Peggy doing homework and Natasha on her phone. You missed the chatter.

Even at dinner with your mother you were quiet. Your fork mulled over the green beans, elbow propped on the table with your palm pressed to your cheek. There were no new things to tell her about and overall you felt slightly gloomy. Perhaps it was the changing weather, that always seemed to affect people's mood. Scientific fact. Tomorrow would be better.

You couldn’t decipher if it was a hickey or a bruise from a football collision on Bucky’s collarbone. The collar of his black crew neck shirt was slightly stretched out and dipping downward to reveal the purple-ish blemish. It wasn’t massive, but it was noticeable. Besides, it wasn’t like you were going to ask him what happened, you cared a miniscule amount and if it was from Connie’s mouth then, well… She was certainly marking her territory. There was that foreign pang again.

Bucky shifted, noticing your not so secretive examination and adjusted his shirt. Your cheeks burned and you mentally scolded yourself for letting him catch your longing stare. Surprisingly he didn’t say a word, nothing snarky or witty to get you to groan. Instead he packed up as the bell sounded, shoving his books into his backpack. You scooped up your belongings and took long strides to the door, making a B-line back to your locker. In three quick twists your lock was open and you breathed out, replacing your history textbook to the top shelf. You couldn’t even recall what the last twenty minutes of class was about. Hopefully nothing dire.

You exchanged your green notebook for your red English one and grabbed the novel from your bag.

“I know you.”

You turned seeing Tony Stark casually leaning against the lockers. His arms were folded with a smirk on his lips, appraising your face.

“Correction: I think I know you.” Tony amended. “Jog my memory for me?”

You half laughed, a brow risen. “We sort of met. I’m friends with Peggy and Nat. Just moved here a month ago. Honorary new girl status. Sorry I crashed your party.”

“I wished I would have invited you myself,” he said. “Would have personally given you a grand tour of Casa Stark. There’s always next time.”

You grew intrigued. Tony must have had the resident party house. “Oh? When’s next time?”

“What’s next time?”

Bucky’s voice came from behind and you tensed for a moment. Tony looked past you, eye narrowed and crossed arms tightened. You could already feel hostility between the two.

“Run along, Barnes. Don’t you have footballs to catch?”

Bucky snorted, glancing down at you. “Is he bothering you?”

You didn’t have a chance to respond. Tony was already snapping back. “That’s rich coming from the dick who dumped his beer on her to get her into bed. Can’t expect that to work on every girl with a pretty face, Barnes.”

Your eyes darted between the two men, appalled with the accusations. Tony did know you.Your mind buzzed, slamming your locker door closed. You wanted nowhere near this conversation and your next class was going to start in two minutes.

“Hey—“ Bucky jogged around to your front, halting your brisk pace. “He’s lying. You know it was an accident, I apologized. Still trying to.”

“Bucky. Just leave me alone. I don’t care.” You cut around him. He continued to follow.

“Stark’s an ass, he’ll say anything to better himself and get a girl under him. I don’t do that shit. You don’t know him.”

“Then what is it that you’re doing? Interrupting a conversation I’m having? Stalking me down the hallway? I don’t need you to be looking out for me, I don’t need you monitoring who I talk to and I don’t need you to buy my meal. I’m a big girl. I can handle shit, too. You don’t know me.”

Bucky’s mouth formed a firm line. He shut up, but you knew he had something else to say. He opened his notebook and retrieved some loose papers and handed them to you. “I guess I don’t know that these are your study notes that you rewrite every other day. The pink highlighter means exam worthy and yellow is quick notes.You dropped them when you bolted out of class. I was coming to give them to you. Sorry for trying to be a decent guy.”

You looked at the papers in your face, grabbing them from his fingers. They were crinkled now but he was right; you’d just rewrite them another day. Bucky pivoted when the bell rang again, marching down the hallway and disappearing into the cluster of students. You sighed and folded the papers, tucking them into your notebook and heading for the stairs. Another pang bounced in your stomach, but this time you knew it was guilt.

Lunch. You dreaded the thought.

You had leftovers from the night before: pasta salad and some banana bread. You plopped yourself on the end of the two picnic tables beside Clint. Bucky sat at the far end of the other side; shoulders tight and head resting against his hand and occupied his other hand with his phone. Clint didn’t sit long, getting up for his lunch break smoke. Bucky declined but handed Clint his black lighter, threatening him if he didn’t get it back he’d kick his ass.

“You okay, Buck?” You heard Steve ask.

“Tired.” He mumbled.

You sighed, setting your fork down and closed your eyes. You did feel the need to apologize. Peggy sat across with her tray of cafeteria food, friendly smile. “Rough morning? Pierce draining your soul?”

“Something like that.”

Peggy placed her brownie in between the two of you and divided it in half with her plastic knife to share. You gave a small smile, breaking off a piece and popped the chocolatey treat into your mouth.

“Bucky! I need ten dollars.”

Bucky’s head rose from his phone as you glanced over seeing a younger girl walk up to his side of the picnic table. She wore ripped jeans and a slouchy sweater and her wavy brunette hair was brushing her shoulders.

“What happen to the twenty dad gave you yesterday?”

The girl shrugged, folding her arms. “Come on. I’ll pay you back.”

Siblings.

You had heard Bucky did have siblings, three actually. He was the oldest, only boy and the rest were girls. You watched their encounter, surveying their body language to one another. Bucky was annoyed as his little sister was nagging him for money.

“Steve, tell Bucky I’ll pay him back.” She pouted.

Steve chuckled. “I can’t help ya there, Becca.”

Becca sighed, looking back at her brother who still wasn’t budging to get his wallet.

“She’s his little sister, right?” You whispered to Peggy.

She nodded. “Becca’s a sophomore. Her and Sam’s sister Sarah are really good friends. And you know Peter Parker, the photographer for yearbook? He has the biggest crush on Becca. It’s adorable.”

You smiled. Peter was a sweet kid. You had chatted a few times but it was nothing serious. He always had a camera in his hand and a smile on his face.

Becca sat down on the bench, huffing. Natasha had an amused smirk as she munched on a small bag of plain chips. “How do you deal with him? He can’t even give his own little sister ten dollars!” Becca was dramatic with big hand gestures and exasperation.

Peggy laughed softly as Nat spoke. “We tend to ignore him more often than not.”

Bucky grumbled, throwing a balled up napkin at her from across the way. Becca shook her head, glancing over at you with newfound curiosity. “Hey, you’re the new girl right? Bucky talks about you. He is, right, you are pretty. Usually he dates girls that--”

Becca was yanked away by the older Barnes, ten dollars slapped into her hand. She had a satisfied grin plastered on her face. Pure triumph. Bucky scolded her silently, telling her to get lost.

“Goodbye friends.” She waved, successfully skipping off back to her little group of friends.

You sat in confusion. You weren’t sure why you were surprised Bucky talked about you. Everyone was bound to talk about the new girl in school to their families. Besides football and classes, you were probably the most interesting topic. Bucky appeared frustrated. His fingers dragged through his hair as he shoved his tray aside and got up, slinging his bag over his shoulder. Sam spoke but Bucky took off down the path to the east wing of the building.

“Bad News Barnes going to take his emotions out against punching bag?” Clint took Bucky’s seat. “Becca get under his skin that bad today?”

“He’s fine.” Steve got up, though. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Guess Barnes isn’t getting his lighter back.” Clint quipped.

You watched Steve head down the same path, slipping into the school before the doors closed. You turned back to your barely touched food. Hunger didn’t exist right now. You felt bad for snapping at him and now his little sister dampened his mood more.

“I’ll see you in yearbook.” You murmured to Peggy and excused yourself from the table. Peggy frowned but let you go.

The rest of the day was slow, dragging on for what seemed like a century. Yearbook felt the same but at least it distracted you enough from feeling terrible. The halloween fair was quickly approaching and planning was underway for the event. It sounded exciting. The fair was set up in one of the farm fields of a booster parent. There was going to be a corn maze, hayride, haunted house with games and fun. Apparently it was always so extravagant. Yearbook didn’t have to run it but there was going to be a page dedicated to it through Peter’s photography skills.

Peggy offered you a drive home but you politely declined, opting to walk to clear your mind. Truthfully you were moseying around until football practice was over. You could see the team heading back into the locker room so you had time to sit around and think of something to say to Bucky. You hovered by the side door, gripping the straps of your backpack. Sam and Steve emerged, walking towards the gate to venture home. Clint trailed behind. Bucky was one of the last ones to exit, slow pace as he scrolled through his phone and headed towards the student parking lot. You breathed in and forced your feet to move.

“Hey,” you called. Bucky glanced up from his phone, arching a brow. You approached him and his car. “I um, I wanted to say sorry.”

“For what?”

“Today,” you replied. “I was kind of a bitch this morning so I wanted to apologize for that.”

Bucky shrugged. He was somber and cool. “Don’t worry about it.”

You nodded. At least your apology was out there whether he cared or not for it. Your hands slipped into the back pockets of your jeans. Silence fell over the two of you for several moments accompanied with awkward half stares and shifting.

“I gotta get home for dinner,” you mumbled. “See you in class.”

You turned on your heel, wishing you could simply teleport home from this encounter.

“I’m not like that. What Tony said. I promise.” Bucky stated. “I guess you don’t gotta believe me but…”

You stopped and looked at your shoes. Admittedly, you weren’t too sure what to believe. Both Tony and Bucky had thrown each other under the bus to make themselves look better. You twisted back to look at Bucky. He had his keys in his hand, eyes darted away as if he was nervous and wanted to jump into his car and speed away.

“Okay.” You nodded to him. It was acknowledgment.

His blue eyes shyly found their way to you, nodding too. “Okay.” He echoed.

Another set of stares, this time less awkward and more acceptance. Bucky unlocked his car and climbed into the front seat. You quickly turned and went on your own way.

At least the dust had settled for today.

A clump of sweaters lay on the floor beside your closet as you searched for the warmest one. A brisk wind was sweeping through Valhalla and you knew that being outside all night was going to get to your bones. You tugged a burgundy woolly sweater off its hanger, pulling it over your head and looking at yourself in the floor length mirror. This would do, you thought. It accompanied your black jeans nicely and you were going to chuck on a coat over top. You grabbed your Adidas and tied them to your feet just as a horn beeped outside.

“Mom! I’m going!” You called, jogging down the stairs. Your mother emerged from the cinnamon scent-filled kitchen with a wide grin and treats in her hand.

“One for you and Peggy.” She said, handing you some cinnamon rolls. “I’ll leave some here for you, and the rest I’m going to bring for the girls at work later.”

You smiled, shrugging on your coat and took the autumnal treat. “Thanks, mom. Have a good night at work.”

She opened the door for you, waving to Peggy who happily waved in return. You slid into the passenger's seat, handing Peggy the roll.

“You mother is a baking genius.” Peggy gushed, taking a bite before driving off.

You laughed and clicked your seatbelt. “No Nat?”

“She’s with Clint and Steve. They’re going to meet us there.”

You munched and looked out the window. The sun was low in the sky; orange and red swirls that matched the changing tree leaves. Peggy took backroads to the country side of the town and there were a line of cars parked on the road leading up to the farm for the Halloween Fair. Peggy pulled into a dirt lot, parking the car. You got out with her, tightening your coat around yourself as the breeze swirled around you.

There was a two dollar donation fee at the front gate and once paid, you got a Casper stamp on your hand and a sticker. It was a little silly but you liked the sticker. You trailed behind Peggy taking in the extravagant decorations. You felt like you were in a Halloweentown movie with the orange and black scheme going as far as the eye could see. There were light up pumpkins, scarecrows, and people dressed up as monsters. Hay was stacked like mountains and there were small food stands scattered around. Bobbing for apples, face painting, s’mores pit. It was truly incredible.

“Pegs!”

Peggy gripped onto your arm and hauled you towards Steve and the others. Clint already had caramel corn in his hand, munching away contently.

“Couldn’t wait?” You laughed, stealing a few pieces.

“No way, this shit is good.” Clint grinned.

“The stragglers have arrived.” Nat popped her gum with her arms folded over her chest. You followed her eyeline to Bucky and Sam. In tow was Becca and Sarah, splitting off to go find their own friends.

Bucky had on a dark grey hoodie under his lettermans jacket. His hands were shoved into the front pockets of his dark denim jeans, feet cladded in his well worn boots. He stood next to Steve, taking one hand and combed through his hair with his fingers. The wind was bound to be his nemesis for his too good perfect hair. It was annoying that he looked like a male model for a autumn line preppy campaign.

“Ready for some thrills?” Sam swung his arm over your shoulders.

You winced. “Might have forgotten to mention I’m not so good with pop outs.”

Sam gave a toothy grin. “You’re in luck, sugar. You’ve got me to protect you from any harm that comes your way.”

“A true hero.” You laughed, patting Sam’s chest.

You caught the tail end of Bucky turning away and rolling his eyes. Your teeth bit down on your tongue, starting to walk when Sam did. His arm never let up not that you really mind. Sam’s body shielded you from the cold and he was a warm person.

Peggy and Steve lead the pack. You watched as their arms bumped and hands brushed. Peggy pulled him over to one of the vendors that had apple cider and he paid for the both of them. The forever ongoing chronicles of two lovebirds too shy to make a move. It was sweet, something you thought of every so often. The thought of being longed after and those fuzzy feelings. The last crush you truly had was a few years ago back in Illinois. Freshman year, really nothing special but he was cute. You got a kiss out of it right before leaving for Indiana.

Twisting in Sam’s hold, you peered behind you. Natasha and Bucky were lagging behind in a discussion. All you could make out was Nat calling him stupid and Bucky shrugged her off, head shaking and hands deep into his jacket pockets. Something about him read agitated. Your brows furrowed but you turned forward with the gigantic barn coming into view.

The old red barn had been transformed into a haunted house. Already your skin was crawling, stomach in knots. Thankfully there was a line to wait in and gain some form of confidence. You reminded yourself that there were people under masks and everything was fake. Yet… you still had the heebie-jeebies.

“They can’t touch you, ya know. If they do, sock ‘em in the jaw.” Clint nudged. You gave him a small smile and nodded.

The line proceeded to move, small groups entering in at a time. Your plan was to stick to being in the middle that way you had people around you. Luckily you did have Sam to protect you, like he said, and upon entering you tightly looped your arm through his going into complete darkness.

Lights flickered with menacing music and shrieking audio hitting your eardrums. Your eyes darted from each side of the small pathway; a masked monster popping out at your left and a Jason Voorhees swinging from the right. Your heart raced at the frights, death grip on Sam’s arm. He, too, was jumpy. Peggy screeched with Steve holding her close and from behind Clint swore loudly.

This was a poorly thought out decision. Your own damn decision.

Your eyes squeezed shut then reopened them as you passed an open casket with a mangled body. The group turned around a corner, coming to a sudden halt. You walked into the back of Steve and searched around the pitch black room for something but nothing came into vision. Within a quick second, strobes of light were flashing illuminating the room.  An inhumane voice cackled and goosebumps shot up your spine. You leaped back as ghouls and the undead popped out. You covered yours eyes for a moment, whipping around and grabbed the air to find Sam again. A demon emerged from the darkness, stunning you backwards and a scream jumped out of your throat.

A hand gripped your arm. You latched onto the familiar leather sleeve and held on for dear life. It felt like your heart was going to explode in your chest. Your head was dizzy with gorge and horror.

“You’re okay.”

Your eyes slowly opened at the voice in your ear. It wasn’t Sam, nor Clint. It was Bucky. In that moment you didn’t care who it was you just wanted to get your ass out of the damn stupid barn. You moved when Bucky did as he found an exit. You cut between some black curtains and squeezed out through a half open door to the outside. Letting go, you stumbled before sitting down on a hay stack; head in hands and feet digging into the dirt.

“Are they going to be mad at me?”

“Why the fuck would they be mad at you?” Bucky sat down beside you. “You didn’t have to go in.”

“I know,” you mumbled. “Thought I was brave enough. Stupid really, to be scared of people dressed up.”

Bucky shrugged. “Fear of the unknown.”

You lifted your head and breathed out a sigh. You could hear screams and laughter. At least it was entertaining some people. You, on the other hand, were glad to be outside.

“Come on,” Bucky stood. “I think I saw mini donuts and hot chocolate.”

You looked up at him, brows furrowed but you rose to your feet. There was no way you could pass up mini donuts.

Cinnamon and powdered sugar donuts filled the white paper bags. You nibbled on one as Bucky got two hot chocolates and carried them over to the small round wooden table you sat at. He took the seat across and placed the paper cups on the table. Mini marshmallows floated in the steamy drink. You sipped as he dug his hand into the bag.

“When we were seven, Steve and I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and I had nightmares for three months. Slept with my light on, too.”

You half smiled, “That’s awful.”

“Yeah. It was the edited version too because it was on TV so most of the gory shit was cut but still. Freaked me out.” Bucky laughed at him, taking another donut. “So I don’t really care for haunted house stuff either.”

“Then why did you go in?”

His shoulders shrugged. “Changed my mind.” “What made you change your mind?” “You went in and I thought I was brave enough.” He echoed your words.

You stared at him for a few moments, although Bucky’s blue eyes danced around to everything but you. There was that shy appearance again that you had only seen once before.

“What the hell is this?!”

Clint’s voice boomed causing your heads to snap. The others wandered over each with their own amused expressions. Clint stood in front of the table, arms securely folded over his chest; impatient and foot tapping.

“Uhh,” Bucky blinked. “We’re sitting…?”

“You guys got mini donuts without me? Me! Barnes, you know I love mini donuts and you went ahead and replaced me?” Clint was melodramatic, arms beginning to wave around frantically.

You couldn’t contain your laughter as it was far too entertaining.

“Barton, relax.” Bucky shook his head. “They’re just donuts, you can go get some more.”

“Just donuts? Nat, you hear this guy?” Clint turned to Natasha, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb back at Bucky. “He said they’re just donuts. Un-fucking-believable.”

“Tragic, really.” Natasha drawled.

You reached forward, grasping Clint’s arm to turn him back. “Clint, how high are you?” You asked, offering him the paper bag.

“Not enough,” he beamed and gladly took the bag, shoving a powdered donut into his mouth. “At least someone has manners around here.” He muffled.

“Hey uh, Peggy and I are going to go to the corn maze.” Steve had a nervous quiver in his tone, pointing towards the corn maze sign. No one really said anything, simple nods as they ventured away.

“Five bucks says Cap makes his move.” Sam bet when they were out of earshot.

“Five bucks says he pussy’s out like he always does.” Nat countered.

Sam turned to look at her, “You challenging me, Romanoff?”

“What’s there to challenge when I’m already right?”

You smile to yourself, holding onto your hot chocolate that was now more lukewarm. The marshmallows had melted and it tasted more like water chocolate. Still, it was decent. You glanced over at the corn maze as Steve and Peggy disappeared inside. You hoped for the best but Steve (nor Peggy) seemed to have the best track record in trying. Looking back, Bucky had finished his drink and got up to throw away the garbage.

Natasha’s confidence prevailed and sneakily Sam slipped her a five dollar bill. She pocketed it with a wick smirk, patting his shoulder.

“You couldn’t have asked her out?” Sam hissed to Steve from behind you.

“Were you betting on me again?” Steve whispered back.

��Yeah, remind me to never do that again.”

The walk back to the parking lot seemed farther than when you originally arrived. You had lapped the fair a few times and perhaps you should have worn better shoes. Your nose was cold and you shoulders hurt from bracing yourself from the wind. Despite the haunted house, it had turned out to be a relatively fun evening. Bucky’s arm brushed against yours when he caught up to you.

“Think you’ll have nightmares tonight?”

“Don’t know. Maybe I’ll sleep with the light on.” You said.

He smiled at you, “Nothin’ wrong with that.”

“Bucky! Unlock the car, it’s freezing!” Becca yelled from the trunk of her brother’s car. She had her arms wrapped around herself and Sarah Wilson dancing around to keep warm. “Hi new girl!”

You waved, half smiling. Bucky dug out his keys from his pocket and unlocked the doors. The girls sighed in relief and climbed into the car. “She’s knows your name. Becca’s just annoying.”

“It’s fine,” you shrugged. “Guess I’ll see you Monday.”

“8:30, bright and early.” Bucky quipped.

You spun away, catching yourself softly laughing as you made your way to Peggy’s car. She was already in the front see ready to go. She had a mischievous look on her face, gripping the wheel as you settled in.

“You and Bucky seemed rather buddy-buddy tonight.” Peggy commented.

“Can’t be rude when someone buys me donuts.” Your tone was dulled, downplaying it a little. Yeah, you and Bucky were on the same page tonight and truthfully it was nice to simply be and talk. Maybe you were turning a new leaf about the guy.

Peggy hummed, not convinced but didn’t press. She started the car and drove home. It was mainly quiet. You were lost in replaying the evening and Peggy had her own distractions.

“I think I love him.” Peggy’s voice was just above a whisper, nearly hard to hear over the radio. “Steve, I mean.”

Your head rest back against the seat. “He loves you too.”

“You think?”

“I know.”

permanent bucky list: **IF YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR URL PLEASE LET ME KNOW. @buckychrist @bvcks @lila-bard @stanclub @stardustparker @buckybarnesppreciationsociety @sweetwaterprincess @demongirl0913 @queenlydias @dontpanc @ohkingsteve @kingsebstan  @cauraphernelia @yourwonderbelle @beauty-who-doesnt-need-a-beast @bleedlikerubies @fallenaristocat @bubblybuckybarnes @solarbarnes @my-world97 @mystic-scripture @ragnarokbarnes @kali-rambles @pao-prazz @thorins-queen-of-erebor @eventyyr @abbadontherisingqueen @lovinglokiforever @justasimpleassbitch @red-wallflowers @brooklynightsky @hellaqueerangelofthelord @yknott81 @rvmanova @blame-the-russo-bros@buckybarneshairpullingkink @laurfangirl424

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Kidge Parent HC Part 2.4

Holy crow I was hoping to get this done a lot sooner than I did but it’s here now! The next part will probably take even longer since it’s going to be going over the family dynamic as a whole, how the kids bounce off of one another, their interests and personalities, etc., as well as me wanting to get some more fics out before then so I hope you’ll all stick around for it!

Also, I’ll hopefully be uploading a newer, better schedule for my stories/ projects later today, so there’s that. :3

Kidge Married Pre-Babies: [here]

Kidge w/ Babies Part 2.1: [here]

Kidge w/ Babies Part 2.2: [here]

Kidge w/ Babies Part 2.3: [here] *There’s a little angst in this one, FYI

Also, note taken from the start of Part 2.1, but:  Forewarning that there will be some mentions of Allurance in all these parts, but I’m not tagging it because they aren’t given any real focus. Additionally, since I know some of this stuff can squick some people out, warning that there will be somewhat-detailed talk about pregnancy, birth, and what exactly comes in the early stages with a newborn so please be wary if such things make you uncomfortable.

Small Notes I Forgot to Mention Last Time:

Oliver’s full name is Oliver Maxwell Kogane. His middle name is actually a suggestion from Colleen; Maxwell was the name Colleen and Samuel had settled on when they were expecting Pidge if she had been born a boy. I originally planned for his middle name to be Samuel, after Pidge’s dad and I think I referred to him as such once in a fic?? but I changed my mind on that.

Also, the onesie they brought him home in was gray with a tiny robot on it that read “I like pushing buttons”.

The Fourth Baby

So, Keith and Pidge had agreed that Oliver was going to be their last, but that isn’t exactly how it plays out. Oliver had just turned a year old a few weeks prior, Kaden’s third birthday was right around the corner, and Amber would be turning seven in October. Pidge realizes that her period is late and has a sinking suspicion as to why, but also doesn’t want to jump the gun. After two weeks pass, she picks up a few tests and they all come back positive.

She’s not surprised and is pretty happy, but she’s also really worried how Keith and the kids will take the news. Oliver – obviously – doesn’t remember all the trouble from his own birth and Kaden was too little to really remember, but Amber and Keith certainly do.

Amber actually went for about two weeks where she had nightmares about losing her Mommy and ended up joining Keith and Pidge in their bed. They had considered getting her into therapy, but after they started seriously talking about it the nightmares tapered off so they decided to hold off, not really sure of what would be the best option for her. It’s been over a year since the last time she did that, but Pidge worries that this will kick it all up for her and send her anxieties back up to max.

Pidge decides to breach the subject when they’re cleaning up after dinner that night. Surprisingly, all three kids take the news extremely well. She’s especially pleased with how happy Amber is at the idea of having another little sibling to look after, helping to curb some of Pidge’s anxiety. Keith, however, does not take it well. He turns and straight-up leaves the house for the night, heading off in the Black Lion for parts unknown.

Amber and Kaden are a bit worried about Keith’s reaction, while Oliver is blissfully unaware of what’s going on.

*Kaden, standing on tip-toes to put his cup in the sink.* “Mommy, is Daddy angry?”

“Daddy’s a little upset but it’ll be okay.” *Said with a small sigh, picking up a plate and scrubbing it clean.*

“Is he upset about the new baby?” *Amber, taking the cleaned plate and putting it in the dishwasher.*

“It’s… complicated, sweetheart.”

“Does Daddy not love the new baby?”

*Pidge, freezing and looking down at Amber in alarm at the question. Amber meets her gaze, refusing to shy away despite how uncomfortable she is with the thought.* “… No, Amber, that’s not it. Daddy is just… very scared. And sometimes when Daddy gets scared he goes away for a little bit to think things through.”

The kids stop asking question after that. They finish cleaning up from dinner, Pidge gets them all settled into bed, and goes to lie down herself. She doesn’t fall asleep, just kinda lays there and lets her mind reel through all the different responses she could get from Keith. She lays there for about two hours before she hears footsteps on the stairs.

She doesn’t say anything when he opens the door and slips inside, heading to the bathroom and getting ready for bed as quietly as he can. He slips in beside her and pulls her flush against him. She twists in his arms so that she’s facing him, settling one hand on his shoulder and the other on the side of his face. He closes his eyes and leans into her touch.

“Do you feel a little better now? Had a chance to cool down?”

“I’m… Yeah. I wasn’t angry, you know.”

“I know that, but the kids didn’t, and it was hard explaining to them. Especially Amber… She asked a really difficult question.”

*He shifts to lean his forehead against hers and sighs.* “I swear, she’s too sharp… What did she ask?”

“She asked if you weren’t going to love this baby like you love them.”

*Keith’s eyes snap open and he looks absolutely mortified, which Pidge had been kind of expecting.* “Jesus, I… I may not be exactly thrilled right now, but I would never-! I… I’m worried and scared about what could happen, but that doesn’t mean I won’t love the baby… Did I really make that much of a scene when I left?”

“It’s less making a scene and more that the kids aren’t really used to that side of you, I think. They’re more used to their happy, goofy Daddy and the occasionally stern Daddy. A Daddy that’s really upset and needs to walk away, though? Not really something you’ve had to do much in front of them. They don’t know what an impulsive little shit you used to be.” *Pidge is gentle as she speaks, moving to wrap her arms around him and give him a few quick pecks between words to help soothe him, and grows a bit more playful at her last statement.*

“Keith chuckles quietly.* “You know, I seem to remember somebody else who used to be pretty impulsive when they were younger… Name stared with a ‘P’ and ended with an ‘Idge’, I believe.”

“I’m afraid that I, Katie, have never met this person.”

“…”

“…”

“Oh, you are such a little sneak!” *Keith says, but he’s laughing, so she considers it progress.*

They have a long talk about the whole thing and agree that they have every intention of seeing this through. Keith does, however, insist that if Pidge feels like anything about the pregnancy feels weird or drastically different that she make sure to tell him. He literally doesn’t care about the medical expenses they might accrue; he’ll rush her to the ER over anything this time around if it prevents an incident like they had with Oliver.

The next morning they wake up to Amber and Kaden both flopped over on top of Keith. They were worried that their Daddy was sad so they came in to cuddle the happy back into him. Keith sits and talks with them and explains things as best he can while Pidge goes and gets Oliver out of his crib in his own room.

The Altea Clan finds out about the pregnancy first, due to Pidge and Keith inquiring as to whether Allura can keep the Castle on Earth for an extended period of time. Due to Allura’s diplomacy training from her youth, Lance’s natural charisma, and Coran’s wealth of knowledge, the three of them have been travelling the galaxy helping to maintain the coalition and spread peace even further; it’s also a good way, in Allura’s opinion, to teach their children how to be proper diplomats too. Allura is immediately tickled at them having another child and explains they’d been planning to take a little break to spend more time with Lance’s family on Earth, seeing as the kids have been wanting to spend more time with their extended family, so having the Castle Ship at a moment’s notice won’t be an issue. This is a huge relief to Keith, as his biggest concern is making sure that Pidge and the baby are safe.

Hunk and Shiro find out shortly after them. Hunk echoes a lot of the same concerns that Keith had – complications and risks for Pidge and the baby – but also assures that he’ll be as supportive as ever. Shiro agrees that so long as they’re both okay with it than he’s happy for them. They’re both further settled by the fact that Allura and the Castle Ship will also be nearby, just in case.

After that they tell Krolia and the Holts. Krolia and Colleen are both thrilled at the idea of another little grandbaby to dote on, Samuel seems a bit concerned but is also extremely supportive, while Matt voices that he thinks it’s a bad idea, even with the Castle Ship around just in case, but agrees to support them. This irritates Pidge a bit but she opts against making a scene at the time, simply because she doesn’t need the stress.

So, what does Pidge get in the way of symptoms this time around? She gets really, really mild nausea – like, to the point where it only seems that certain foods trigger it – as well as less severe moods swings. Other than that, the only thing that’s really different, is that her sex drive is a little more kicked up this pregnancy. But even that is fixed by sleepovers with their grandparents. ;3c

Other little tidbit; because they are serious about this being their last baby, Keith gets a vasectomy pretty shortly after they find out Pidge is pregnant. Vasectomies are significantly less invasive procedures than having the Fallopian tubes tied off, has a faster turn-around rate from surgery to full recovery, and they can nip any potential other pregnancies in the bud before they’re even possible. Another reason they take care of it as soon as they do is because Keith does need to have a good few days of taking it easy since he’ll be tender down there, and Pidge needs to still be well enough to look after the kids and help him as best he can.

Colleen and Sam help out by taking the kids for an overnight visit the first night after the procedure, which helps Pidge out in regards to prioritizing where her attention should be, since their kids are extremely energetic little stinkers and would make it way harder in the immediate.

So, back to the situation with the new baby!

Pidge’s due date this time around is in early-to-mid December. Keith points out this means they’ll have a baby for all seasons, which makes Pidge laugh.

This baby is a bit different from their siblings in regards to settling down. When this one starts kicking and shifting around, they only seem to calm down when someone starts humming/ singing at them. Pidge usually just hums, because it’s a bit easier, but Keith will actually lean close to Pidge’s belly and gently serenade the new baby. And when Pidge is at home with the older kids, Amber and Kaden will put on little concerts to try and help soothe their baby sibling. It never works, since it’s more a cacophony of noise with them, but Pidge still finds it ridiculously sweet so she never tells them the truth.

They are informed that they’ll be having a little girl this time around! Amber is wildly excited about this while Kaden is a little disappointed. Pidge is pleased because she’s been of the opinion that they needed a little less testosterone in the house.

They have another family meeting to determine how to proceed with things involving the new baby, specifically to discuss room theme. Pidge is taking a nap at the time since she had to have blood drawn at her doctor’s appointment that day and the nurse that did it was new and had trouble finding a vein, so she’s feeling a little worn out.

*Amber, clearing her throat and calling the meeting to order.* “Today, we must decide what Baby Sister’s room is going to look like! This is a very important matter, right, Daddy?”

“Oh, absolutely.” *Keith, chuckling a bit as he settles in between the boys, Oliver fiddling with the junk mail on the table.*

“I think we should do something about when she’s gonna be here! Playing in the snow is really fun, and I’m sure that playing with Bbay Sister is gonna be really fun, so we have to do something for both!”

“I got an idea! Her room should be about Christmas!” *Kaden, all big eyes and excitement, flailing one hand in the air wildly.*

*Amber, flashing him a bland look.* “She’s not gonna be born on Christmas, though.”

*Kaden, pouting and crossing his arms.* “But she’s gonna be born near Christmas!”

“Not close enough!”

“Yeah huh!”

“Nuh uh!”

*Oliver suddenly shrieks and slams his hand down on a magazine that came in the mail, silencing the argument and Keith’s preparation to chime in.* “Twee!”

*Keith chuckles and leans over to look at the magazine.* “You’re getting so good with words, buddy! That is… a… tree…”

The picture that Oliver had been talking about was of a scenic, snowy ski resort. Pidge and Keith went one year for their anniversary – before the kids – and been automatically enrolled in their subscription. They normally just tossed them out, but Keith had wanted to see if they’d received the notice on when Amber’s next dentist appointment was from her dentist and hadn’t purged the junk yet. And he is suddenly given an excellent idea that will appease both kids.

They agree on a “Winter Wonder” theme for the new baby’s room, giving it the winter theme that Amber had wanted, with the agreement that during December they can hang some tinsel and little ornaments so that they can still have a Christmas-y feel like Kaden wanted. And it’s painted to look like a snowy forest, because of Oliver’s input, too.

Painting the room and putting everything together is done by Keith, Shiro, Hunk, Matt, Amber and Kaden. Oliver waddles around in his little walker and just kinda shouts random words he remembers at everyone as he works. Hunk claims this is his way of offering moral support. Pidge thinks the whole thing is a ridiculously adorable spectacle.

The onesie they pick out for Baby Girl is white with a yellow trim and a pastel pink unicorn on the front. It also has the text “I’m Secretly a Unicorn” on it.

Pidge’s water breaks and she starts getting contractions in the afternoon on December 7th. The Holts had been over visiting so they agree to stay in the lobby with the kids while Keith and Pidge are in Labor and Delivery. Pidge is actually only in labor for four hours, with everything goes extremely quick and complication free. Officially at 4:44 P.M., Aria Emma Kogane gets to join the family!

They pick the name Aria because it means “Solo Melody” and she’s had a clear passion for music since she was in the womb. They pick the name Emma as her middle name because it means “Universal” and they see her as the final little planet to make the universe of their family complete.

In regards to appearance, Aria is a little bit of an oddball compared to her siblings. Unlike the older three, who all inherited Keith’s black hair, Aria ends up with the same sandy blonde as Pidge. She ends up having bright green eyes, however. Green eyes are typically caused by a mutation in the genes, and are among the rarest natural eye colors. Then again, since this is a fictional world with radical eye colors, the likelihood is probably just a bit higher, I think. Other than that, she gets a lot of Pidge’s facial features – button nose and eye shape and heart-shaped face - but Keith’s complexion.

Everyone gets to come in and meet her at once this time, due to that Paladin Privilege and the fact that the delivery was complication free. Since Amber’s big enough, she actually gets to hold Aria herself and let’s out the most excited muffled squeal in the world. Keith helps Kaden take his turn with holding her, and Oliver just kinda lightly pokes Aria’s cheek as his sign of acceptance. Everyone in the family gets a turn to hold her, and Colleen brought her a gray-purple baby blanket to be bundled up in, though Matt ends up kinda hogging her. Pidge gives him the biggest, stinkiest “And YOU Thought She Was a Bad Idea, You Fucking Twit” look that history has ever and will ever know.

Only one day is spent in the hospital before Pidge and Aria are allowed to go home. Since everything was smooth sailing this time around, the whole move goes a lot smoother than it did when Pidge had Oliver.

So what exactly do they get with their latest bundle of joy?

Aria is an anomaly in the Kogane lineage in more ways than just her physical appearance. She’s a pretty typical baby, though a bit less fussy than most. She’s a really mellow little baby, a lot like Kaden, but she loves to make cooing noises almost all the time. Like, if she needs something, she’s much more likely to make these little warbling cooing noises to alert Keith and Pidge that she wants/ needs something than to cry, which is desperately different from Oliver who seemed to scream just for the sport of it.

Despite being born in the winter, she hates snow. Like, Keith and Pidge take the kids for a little walk in late-January/ early-February, just to get out of the house for a bit and let them burn off some energy, and everything’s going fine until Keith tugs back the little canopy of Aria’s stroller so that she can see better. A snowflake ends up landing on her nose while she’s looking around and Aria. Fucking. Loses it. Pidge and Keith are scrambling to cheer her back up, to quell the tears and get her back to her usual happy baby self, but nope. She is Done. She has drawn a line in the sand and it has been crossed and no one shall have peace now.

Which leads into another aspect of Aria; she’s actually much more sensitive than her parents or siblings. Or, rather, I guess it’d be better to say that she’s a bit more open about her hurt once she’s upset and doesn’t typically use anger or outrage as a mask. She’s very easy to scare, very quick to tears, and takes a lot of time to calm back down.

This wouldn’t be a problem if not for the fact that Oliver is the Universe’s Most Ludicrous Lil’ Shit.

Because of how their birthdays fall, Oliver is about 21 months older than Aria. So when his second birthday rolls around, she’s just barely over three months. Pidge and Keith hadn’t considered that this age gap would be an issue, since it’s very similar to the one between Kaden and Oliver and those two never really kicked up a fuss. The problem they encounter is that Oliver tends to gravitate towards Pidge a bit more and doesn’t like that a majority of her attention is given to Aria instead.

For a few weeks, Oliver just makes life miserable in the house. He is constantly finding ways to antagonize Aria when she’s just plopped around somewhere doing baby things. Finally, Keith decides to put a stop to this nonsense himself and takes Oliver with him on his walks and it actually goes really well, though I’ll elaborate on that a little more in the next part.

Much like when she was in the womb, singing or humming can help calm Aria back down once she’s startled, but it still takes a decent amount of time.

So, her first genuine smile goes to Pidge but Keith gets to her first word. Her first laugh, though? The honor of this actually goes to neither of her parents this time, but to Shiro! He had agreed to come over to help Keith with trimming the tree in the backyard, because some of the branches are too big for the kids to help him remove, and he offered to hold Aria for Keith because Oliver just ran by cackling like mad, wrapped up in toilet paper covered in bright orange glitter paint, and Pidge is adamant that it’s his turn to corral the feral child.

*Shiro, cradling Aria in his good arm, being careful because she’s a little squirmy and whiny.* “Never a dull moment around here, huh? And soon enough you’re going to add to some of that chaos, huh?”

*Aria just stares up, opening her mouth to let out a little coo in answer, her squirming stopping just a little bit.*

“Oh, you’re just such a sweet little girl. I’m sure you’re going to have a lot of people interested in you someday. Going to make Daddy work to keep them away from you, huh, little girl?” *Shiro’s teasing then lightly pokes her little nose with one of the fingers from his prosthetic hand.*

*Aria reaches up, grabs onto his prosthetic and pulls it herself with a big grin.*

*Shiro laughs and lightly pinches the pudge under her chin.* “Oh, do you want to play? Is that why you were all fussy a minute ago?”

*Aria’s mouth gets really wide and the most delicate, adorable little laugh ever erupts from her. Keith freezes in the doorway to the kitchen/living room, a struggling Oliver tucked under one arm, and Pidge freezes in cutting the sandwiches she made for the kids for lunch. Shiro, unaware that this is the first time she’s laughed, remains completely oblivious and keeps quietly chatting at her.*

“Uncle Shiro, you made her laugh! She’s never done that before!” *Kaden chiming in from his spot at the kitchen table.*

*Shiro, wide-eyed as he looks from Pidge to Keith back down to the still giggling infant in his arms.* “I… I made her laugh for the first time…” *Getting a little choked up because making a baby laugh? That is something to be proud of.*

During the winter season, Aria never goes with Keith on his morning walks because, as started before, she doesn’t do snow. But once it gets warmer out and there’s no snow, she actually really likes to go along. Normally, it’s Keith with Amber, Kaden and Aria out on the walks, but sometimes all four kids go with.

Aria is the most enthusiastic of all the kids about stuffed animals, and is normally dragging at least five of them around with her wherever she goes. Her favorite, though, is a green brontosaurus that she has named Muffin. Keith got a whole set for the kids shortly after Aria was born so that they’d all have a dinosaur toy and she just kinda… Became ridiculously attached.

Aria ends up with only a couple of nicknames, unlike Amber and Kaden who both see a pretty generous amount, but more than Oliver, who ends up with, like, two. Her most common nickname that basically everyone uses is “Ari”, which is pretty obvious. Keith and Pidge also call her “Song Bird” as she gets older and her passion for music becomes more and more prominent. The Holts call her “Sweet Pea” a lot, which Krolia later ends up picking up on, and Shiro playfully calls her “Favorite Niece whose name starts with an A and ends with a Ria.”

Okay, this part is done! Next time we get to the really fun stuff; Pidge and Keith with their full family and all the insanity that comes with it!

[maciaslucymua-blog1]

How to Stop PMS From Causing Problems in Your Relationship

New Post has been published on http://www.healthgoesfemale.com/how-to-stop-pms-from-causing-problems-in-your-relationship/

How to Stop PMS From Causing Problems in Your Relationship

These 8 tips will help you avoid the unnecessary frustration and regret that PMS (premenstrual syndrome) problems cause in your relationships. It may be easier than you think to keep the peace at home and work, despite the extreme mood swings and hormonal fluctuations that happen in your body every month. How to Stop PMS From Causing Relationship Problems “Every month it’s the same – we turn irrational, become psychotic, pick fights, are impossible to please,” writes Bethenny Frankel in I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After.  “It happens like clockwork but somehow it always takes us completely by surprise, like it’s the first time we’ve ever had a period. This is the time of month when you might need chocolate injected into your veins…If you’ve ever thought you seriously needed a divorce or you never want to see your boyfriend’s face again, only to realize a week later that your relationship is actually just fine, you know what I mean. When you have PMS problems, your brain can be thinking, ‘Don’t say it, don’t say it, while you hear yourself saying it anyway.’” In the article you’ll find a few natural tips for relieving premenstrual syndrome symptoms, such as magnesium to reduce PMS pain. But – more importantly for women whose PMS is ruining their relationships – you’ll learn how to stop PMS from causing unnecessary and destructive problems in your relationship with your boyfriend, husband, friends – and even your coworkers.

8 Ways to Stop Premenstrual Syndrome From Causing Relationship Problems “Over 85% of women report some kind of symptoms in the week before they get their period,” writes Elizabeth Sullivan in PMS and Relationships on the PsychCentral blog. “It would be strange if they didn’t. Just a cursory look at the way the production of the very powerful hormones estrogen and progesterone unbalance just before menstruation shows us — it’s extreme biological change. And of course the hormonal shifts have been documented to affect mood, stress response, pain sensitivity, and even cause carbohydrate cravings.” 8 Ways to Stop PMS From Causing Relationship Problems PMS symptoms – and the corresponding relations problems – are not personal failings. Nor is premenstrual syndrome or the menstrual cycle anything to be ashamed of! PMS and our periods are simply physical changes in our bodies and brains that have emotional and practical consequences in our relationships and lives. The trick is to learn how to cope well with the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome – and not let them cause unnecessary and even irrepairable relationship problems at home or work. I love, love, love the first three tips on this list! They’re from a book by Julie Holland, M.D. called Moody B—tches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having, and What’s Really Making You Crazy. This book is a must-have resource on women’s health. Don’t let the title throw you off; this book has both practical and scientific tips to help women get healthier, happier, and stronger in all aspects of their lives. 1. Learn why PMS occurs in your body and brain “[During PMS], this increased sensitivity, especially to criticism, can cause explosive reactivity,” writes Dr Holland in Moody B—tches. “My patients with PMS notice that they get snappy and easily irritated by things they would typically let slide the rest of the month. They become more unpredictable in their responses, and they can let loose with utterances or actions that are not in their repertoire the other three weeks of their cycle.” The reason we’re more sensitive and emotionally reactive during PMS is because our brain’s frontal lobes are inhibiting the emotional centers. Our emotions require solid doses of serotonin, which they’re not getting before our menstrual cycle starts. Premenstrual syndrome means lower serotonin levels, which means higher sensitivity and reactivity in our relationships, which means relationship problems galore! 2. Be aware of the effects of low serotonin and estrogen levels Dr Holland encourages us to remember that, yes, it’s low levels of the hormone serotonin that causes emotional reactivity, sensitivity, and PMS symptoms. But you’re not getting upset over NOTHING. You’re just getting upset over things that you deal with differently when your hormones are balanced. “We are getting upset over real things, it’s just that we usually hide our sadness and anger better,” writes Dr Holland in Moody B—tches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having, and What’s Really Making You Crazy.  “Thanks to high estrogen levels, we are usually more resilient. Breezy, even. We allow for others’ needs better and can remain detached more convincingly. Natural cycles of caring less and more correlate with our menses.” 8 Ways to Stop Premenstrual Syndrome From Causing Relationship Problems Your estrogen levels drop before your period, which has a profound effect on the way you view the world, your life, and your relationships. Dr Holland says a good way to think of the estrogen is as the “whatever you want, honey” hormone. “Estrogen creates a veil of accommodation,” she writes, “designed to encourage grooming and attracting a mate, and then nurturing and nourishing our family members. Estrogen is all about giving to others: keeping our kids happy and our mates satisfied. When estrogen levels drop before our periods, that veil is lifted. We are no longer alluring and fertile; we are no longer so invested in the potential daddy sticking around. It’s time to clean house. During the rest of the month you put up with all kinds of bull that you won’t tolerate the week before your period.” 3. Hold on to the benefits of premenstrual syndrome Yes, PMS can actually be good for you and your life! The insights and effects of premenstrual syndrome can give you insight into your own values and needs. If you’re dealing with the same relationship problems all the time – and you keep blaming it on PMS – maybe you need to re-evaluate something about your boyfriend, husband, or life. “PMS is a time of psychological inventory, to take stock and make sure you are where you want to be in your life,” writes Dr Holland. “Every cycle is an opportunity for a fresh start, to make your life over the way you want it. Pay attention to that critical eye, to those judgmental thoughts [that come with PMS and ‘cause’ problems in your relationships]. They are probably more valid than you’d like to believe, and I bet they’re actionable, too.

Dr Holland adds that every month, when your body prepares for a possible pregnancy, your progesterone levels are building and causing a smaller form of nesting. Toward the end of this cycle, you might feel unhappy or dissatisfied with your environment because it’s possibly not right or good for a baby. So, maybe those “relationship problems” caused by PMS are really your instincts telling you that your home or environment isn’t quite right for a baby…yet. 4. Think twice before giving in to your impulses When your first reaction is hot-headed rage or an uncontrollable crying jag at the sight of the dirty breakfast dishes on the table instead of in the dishwasher,  take a deep breath. Don’t allow your PMS symptoms to be the boss of you. “Of course this is difficult,” writes Frankel in I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After. “All you want is sugar, alcohol, fried food, and for everybody to just shut up and understand that you are right about everything. You can’t give in to any of these impulses (at least not too much) or you will just make the whole situation worse.” Since sugar, alcohol, lack of sleep, and lack of exercise will make PMS symptoms worse, take care of your body and mind before your period. Pamper your body in healthy ways, such as by getting a massage and taking time to go slow when you need to go slow. Listen to your body, and give her what she needs. Get as much sleep as you can, and do your best to flow through the mood swings that accompany premenstrual syndrome. 5. Use your calendar to stop PMS from causing relationship problems Do you find yourself getting caught by surprise every month? I do. I’ll have a day filled with unusual irritability, moodiness, emotional outbursts, and even some weepiness…and it won’t be until the day’s end that I realize I have PMS. I don’t know why I forget how PMS affects me and my relationships, but every month it’s a big surprise! It shouldn’t be. If you’re surprised by PMS symptoms – and relationship problems – every month, mark your calendar. Put a big red smiley face on the day your period is due, and highlight the five days before with a yellow marker. This will be your reminder that you’ll be dealing with the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome that week. If you’re aware that it’s PMS time, you’ll be less likely to accidentally or deliberately cause relationship problems with your boyfriend or husband. You might also want to learn how to solve relationship problems without breaking up. 6. Remember that men get moody and emotional, too In I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After, Xavier Amador (president of the LEAP Institute) reminds us that women aren’t the only ones who allow their emotions to get the better of us. “Although men don’t get PMS, we can be moody, and definitely have emotions – whether we sit on them or abrasively read you the riot act,” he says. “Welcome to being a human being. Both sexes are in the wild ride of handling our neurochemistry and emotions together. I am not saying all things are equal. I am saying let’s not forget to see our commonality, our sameness. If we must use the word ‘crazy,’ [when referring to the relationship problems that PMS causes] then let’s be honest with ourselves: Neither sex has the market on crazy.” Premenstrual syndrome has very real and serious effects on our mood, body, health, and interactions with people at home and work. Some women are better off simply taking some “me time” away from their boyfriends and husbands at this time of the month. This doesn’t mean going into quarantine or moving out of the house for a week! Just give yourself space and air so you avoid causing relationship problems that you’ll later regret. 7. Learn the art of a “PMS apology” “Unfair as it may seem, you have to cop to PMS,” writes Frankel in I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To: 10 Rules for Not Screwing Up Your Happily Ever After. “Just say, Look, I have PMS. I’m sad, and I’m sorry. Can we start over?’” Just say you’re sorry. You might even add what you’re sorry for (eg, overreacting, saying hurtful things, deliberately stirring up problems in your relationship that you know deep down aren’t really an issue, etc) – and explain the effects of premenstrual syndrome on your body. Frankel has another great tip for preventing PMS from causing relationship problems: Hold off on major relationship decisions and discussions until your period comes and goes – and you feel normal again. Avoid making decisions about your relationship or life when you’re dealing with premenstrual symptoms or period pain. It’s too easy to forget that your moods, hormones, and emotions are exaggerated! You risk saying or doing something that not only causes relationship problems,  but that you regret for the rest of your life. 8. Tune in to the relationship problems “caused” by PMS Is it possible that the problems you’re having in your relationship are actual problems? Maybe you’re ignoring or putting up with issues that are actually more serious than you want to admit. Maybe you’re ignoring the warning signs of a bad relationship most of the time – but before your period, you’re actually responding authentically to problems. “Women’s empathic skills can be a great source of useful information and strength, and there is some evidence that they are highest during our premenstrual days,” writes Dr Holland in Moody B—tches: The Truth About the Drugs You’re Taking, the Sleep You’re Missing, the Sex You’re Not Having, and What’s Really Making You Crazy. “PMS is a great time to tune in to intuition. Because of lower serotonin levels, we are more ‘raw’ and less emotionally blanketed before we menstruate. It is a time to rest and reflect and to honor deep feelings.” Your premenstrual days are a great opportunity to listen to your body and to honor your true feelings about your boyfriend or husband – not just to practice avoiding relationship problems. Trust your PMS intuition! Use what you learn about your authentic thoughts and feelings during PMS throughout the rest of the month. Don’t keep ignoring the problems in your relationship – and don’t blame it on your heightened sensitivity during PMs. “Perhaps you should be putting up with less all month long,” writes Dr Holland. “The dissatisfaction that comes on a monthly schedule is a gift to you, a chance to make some much-needed changes in how you’re living your life and how much you’re giving, bending, and stretching to meet everyone else’s expectations. What I stress with my patients is this: the thoughts and feelings that come up during this phase of your cycle are real; they are genuine. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or under-appreciated, that you’re taking on more than your partner, or that things are out of balance, chances are it’s all true.” If you need resources and help coping with PMS symptoms, let me know in the comments section below. I’ve done a lot of research and written several articles on the causes of period problems – and quick fixes.

xo