#im gonna fuxking kill myself

[ratmasacre]

"i miss my gf" GO TO HER FUCKING FUNERAL SEE HOW MUCH YOU MISS HER THEN

[tokagrem]

vent

Ill be thinkinf im getting better like oh maybe i wont kill myself but then i remember how fucking hopeless my situation is and dysphoria will hit at full fucking force and idk how im ever gonna fucking afford top surgery and is it even worth it to keep fucking waiting atp i died ten years ago and havent lived a day of my life since i have to choose between sleeping with a shirt on and dying from the fucking heat or strip and die from staring and feeling my massive fucking boobs this shit is literally unbearable i need to die in a car crash so this shit is out of my hands and not my fuckign problem anymore

[philosophicallie]

all of the weather has lost its charm and whimsy it is simply now the land's purposeful torture for me

[starsonmarsy]

.

[esinahkabanjo]

🤮🤮🤮🤮

[king-sassy08]

Hate when people say some shit like "if you're stressed out just go outside and yell!" to some kind of repressed freak. I've been containing my emotions in me for the past like 15 years. You think I can go outside and yell for five seconds and feel better. I'm like will Graham, if I start I'm not gonna fucking stop

[triplegoths]

untagged

i cant fucking take living like this anymore

i cant do it i have to end it soon theres literally nothing for me here anymore. its too much to do. im never gonna fucking have another close in real life relationship.

i want to just like order some food at work so im not more miserable being here but i dont have the strength or stomach to eat something. ill eventually try maybe. i dont know. the drugs make me not eat like a fucking sick dog already and everything rn just says i dont deserve it

i have no motive or energy to do anything but work or somethimes playing a game but even that were usually unable bc were too tired.

whats the fucking issue with me!!!! i just dont give a shit anymore i dont want to do anything nothing makes me happy everythinf eventually juat makes me feel scared and sick and weird. every time i try to make fun or have plans it goes horrible and it just feels worse so i wont anymore ill just fucking rot alone like life wants me to

nobody here can help me and if i could i couldnt afford it so who fucking cares its cheaper to kill myself and lose the body so they dont need funeral costs. theyd misgender and shave me anyway probably

im just so fucking over it all im never gonna be happy like this. i got nothing. theres no good its just working til i fucking kill myself and putting myself through fuxking agony constantly for a life that continues to just KICK AND KICK AND KICK AND KICK me when im fucking down. i cant handle anything else happening. im trying so hard to get things done and theres just fuxking nothing. i will never ever be enough and ill never feel enough.

doesnt matter what or when or the circumstance its so depressing that its not just romantic relations too im so fuckinf scared in groups i automatically feel unwelcome and hated and like i should just go off by myself because im literally so unlikeable and everything has proved it forever. like genuinely as soon as i realized there were more than 2 people i got terrified and started questioning everythinf i did and wanted to run away bc i felt like i wasnt meant to be there and it was ovipus and i was being annoying like fucking ALWAYS GOD IM SO SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS can i just shut up forever? dirk please come back to front im tired of annoying all the people who so graciously allow me to exist around them so i dont have to be in such crushing loneliness all the time i feel like such a fucking baby and everybody probably thinks im such an annoying drug addict too can i just quit it and fucking feel and then kill myself already when i realize its worse

like im never gonna be able to afford any of the shit i need to heal and i dont even wanna try bc ill get 3 appointments in and will run out of money and continue doing that and then ill die bc i cant afford anything else. like why would i do that to myself ill just suffer like this and just do my best forever til i can only rot. id rather get it fuckinf over with and just die now. this isnt a life

i go frm one box go another. rotting. i rot at home alone or i go to work alone. i dont really go out. i dont really talk to anybody. i dont really see anybody. i have 1 irl friend who talks to me and lives in town. the other i dont see her often and honestly feel so embarassed of myself around her because of how i am that i can barely convince myself to see her sometimes even if she is in town. the other person is one of my exs and he doesnt give a shit about me he just wants sex bc thats the only thing im good for. i feel like i just annoy and make everybody uncomfortable conwtantly i dont wanna do it anymore i want to shut up

i always do it i always just talk endlessly frm the second i fucking could before most kids could talk even and i just never shut up did i? my parents were always annoyed by me talking about things that brought me joy (and they never believed me for things that were upsettinf and it was just fake and i needed to be quiet about it bc theyre not taking me to the doctor. so i stopped talking about it to my family and everybody else in my life in that era did the same. the bullies. my friends who ignored me. no matter the form it was always like that i just need to learn to keep quiet and go away and not need anything ever again. i couldnt fucking learn it every time i got a red or yellow card for talking (usually trying to ask questions bc i didnt understand or couldnt see or couldnt hear in elementary school. or to make conversation bc i was friendly and had no friends and my parent didnt play with me so i was lonely. nobody ever liked me bc i was weird. i feel like such a bitter dickhead but i get so jealous when i see that people talk to others every day. especially in person. im so fucking alone i literally get so excited when people want to call with me even if it makes me really scared (and sometimes if im not comfortable enough or feeling sad i will run a away from that too because im so scared to fuckinf annoy people and say something stupid or be boring or trying too hard or just fucking being a total downer because theres nothing good ever going on for me. i got so depressed goin on bsky today and seeing everyone playing webfishing when i cant. but even so lik.e maybe im glad i djdnt join bc one of them was in a big group with new mut and then all strangers so like. its better i wasnt able to bc i would probably jusg feel worse and run away frm everyone bc i feel inadequate snd guilty for taking up space. i always feel like im bothering everyone no matter what. fuck my exhusband in general but he also made me so much more insecure than i was already. he made me feel so annoying and he broke my communication. i was alone with him and JUST him for so long. i could only communicate in nonsense phrases sometimes (literal jibberish not memes) because thats all he would respond to or wouldnt talk to me until i did. he changed my whole pattern of speech and i still almost lapse into it sometimes. it was never any kind of real conversation about anything i felt like it withered my brain. nothing ever in depth just stupid sensless bullshit and jokes (that were often insulting me and made me feel like shit) and i was doing it for fucking nothing because everything else sucked too!!!! the only time there was ever a conversation was when i was BEGGING HIM to stop sometbing or do something for the millionth time. or him defending himself or trying to force my support and trigger my ocd (i genuinely think he was trying to make it worse he never respected it ever he mever respected a single part of me) or him fighting with me on something again (usually the thing was due to him and i just was not being forgiving and quiet and turning off my emotions enough about it. learned numb happiness)

my existence is like a plague and theres nothing here for me. theres even less left of me after he got done with me. he stripped my personality all the way down and forcef me to mirror him. everythinf will always be rotted and ill feel like a horrid shell of a person any time im near anyone. the only option is being alone. maybe this time i will learn and just fuxking stop all of this so we can stop being a curse on everybody. even if i could afford mental help theres nobody that can help me here so its all a waste. i feel like everybody will just hurt me again. doesnt even have to be a partner i feel like every single person is gnna realize sooner or later that im not worth it or they dont like me (ir even hate me) and that im just too fucking annoying to be around

i dont want to be annoying anymore. i wish it was like right after he went to prison again when i didnt have anything and was an empty shell and had nothing to say or talk about that wasnt venting. i wish i never got back some of my "sparkle" or whatever the fuck people call it. mines not a sparkle. its a noxious cloud of toxic annoyance fumes and everybody just has to keep their masks up til i vacate the area. why would i ever fucking want this to come back. i need to shut the fuck up i really do. just take our personality and every crumb of joy again im so sick of it. make it so i dont have any of those thoughts to even post. thus sparing everyone from having to be like "UGH this motherfucker AGAIN. does he ever shut the fuck up? is he ever quiet? can he just log off already? this guy definitely has no life. why does he always have to butt into everything"

that way i can just post like. the shortest most boring updates ever like "back to work! only 3 days this week for the 39 hours. more time off is always good" and then shut up for days and then "got paid nice. going to the bank and then grabbing a few groceries" like thats do much better. nobody needs to fucking know man its sad and depressing and all the same OR you are the most obnoxious prick on any site youre ever and you ruin everybodys day when theyre forced to see you in their notifs or on their timeline

ive probably already muted me bc it didnt even take a week for me to just talk way too muxh when none of of it is important and nobody wants to hear it

even if im not allowed to talk frm my body. its already annoying enough in text and then psyically i just stutter and trip over myself or cant think or forget what i was saying

i wanna delete everything i have and crawl into the earth. i hate being alive. the one time i find something that makes me happy even the littlest bit i cant do it anymore. disallowed by the universe and painfully reminded of the fact im supposed to alone and theres actually nothing for me. it doesnt get better for me it only gets worse. and it makes me feel stupid for believing it could even though thats few and far between. theres nothing left for me i need to just get whatever drugs i decide on and have one last hoorah and take enough to kill me. which hopefully wont even be that hard because im mixing downers and uppers constantly so like its only a matter of time right. my nose hurts and i feel like crying and my body is killing me again so im taking both things again. one for pain. one for maybe like. a little bit of energy but mainly so i dont feel so absolute shit. i just want it all to stop i dont wanna get better anymore im sick of it every time i try i get fucking worse or am crushed by something else even harder than before im DONE WITH IT IM FUCKING OVER IT i just wanna end it theres nothing fucking here for me im never making it. im sick of trying. im sick of always helping even while going through the wordt shit imaginable. im not sick of it. i want to help and i love helping. but it makes me fucking SICK to think about how ive spent my whole life caring for others. have been let down or ignored or told i was lying or had them hurt me instead so many times over i just fucking wish i was important enough to have gotten help when i needed it. to be listened to enough for somebody to even acknowledge or believe there is an issue (or simply convince me im overreacting)

it was fucking stupid of me to think my last ditch effort of doing art school because every other thing i failed miserably at because im too stupid and cant do enough and dont have the support. it doesnt even fucking matter bc my body is slowly and slowly getting closer to just saying "no fuck you" to the art i NEVER HAD TIME TO MAKE TO MY FULL ABILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE. and then ill never be able to do it ever again because i cant get help

i am going to die knowing i never finished a single thing in my life and nobody will ever know what i was capable of.

i want to die in the most painful and uncomfortable way possible because its what i deserve. its the only thing i truly deserve. i need to endanger myself more than i already do obviously its not killing me fast enough if im still kicking and dragging myself across the pavement. i should be dragged along the pavement by a semitruck instead.

i wanna kill myself so bad tonight man. im gonna try not to bc my friend really needs me rn. but i really might relapse. im so fucking tired i want to just go and sleep but ill stay up just for that. i should just cut a vein already why do i care about beinf careful. there was a thing i wanted to do... cut myself with a razor right after i use it to chop **** because maybe itll make me feel good when im not or just fuck my heart enough to make me faint or do smth stupider

ive been writing this for so long im fucking done. i got 2.5 more hours here. i hope i find my mouse when i go home so i change my mind but i honestly really just want to end it right now. im at the end of the line really. im gonna work til i die and never get a break

"everyday it feels like noone sees and noone knows. every day i kinda wanna cancel the show." /lyr

please for the love of god like this if you read all of it i just spilled my whole guts and not even well

[suiciderape]

jesse vidal jr. is not my type its liminal mall ew! get real ew ok so i was staring outside of my window thinking nah this bitch geto realerr tha real imma finna die this ur in my prisoner walls? yes! why bc hes geto real how real? da fuq bitch its my room walls

ew

shes a cunt hahaha

nah it hurtz

what the fucking bitch stupidee cheeze nvm! geyy eww delete we can be geto real murderers without partna in south korea where is he? in the center? me? in the front hm literally shes right next to u ew! mhm what day is it? march 1st mhm nah ok surf fuck get her off of me! huh

i had a vision shes a cude lmfao no it went different u were literally in her fucking house! mrs. b?! hell nah bitch she went ugly geto to stay off me no im confused about what to right its not even the point dudee u do rmbr she died its ugly to follow her on tumblr 1st post cheeze its disgusting no followers its disgusting! its digusting! shes dead!? look im in her liminal mall im a zeus heaven gate? spotify lured her into her mistress mind 1st perioud ew shea ugly as fucke and ew she wants to fuxk me ew shes geto real rude ew ok go home weeno noo no mo mo no! shes in the rume haha rhis is stupid not u surf im in the romeo ew! shes a back stabber im her romeo real real geto bitch! she told me she told me that i would die for dating her sister and not send in the bean eww hahaha damn sk sui shordy 9 what the fuck is this! thats fux yes ew shes geto real real ghetto what is there to do no its me! im gonna fux u right now no! ur soul sister? shordy hes cutee do it asian bean 9 lcg ok! i said no im not put my hands on u! or do anything to u? scene in senesense mean awkward mean girls stole my sign language! posted up? yes i changed into ur clothes hahaha!! he is in my body dudee romeo no fucking way! lets get out of her bitch! yes im her fuck buddy toy bad omg i love her bad ass dicks! omg her lux traineer yes! tumblr queeno britney who the fuck said u couls cunt crack kill crips apple crisp daamn its ghetto liminal mall geto 4realz asian gangster sister luv were sissyboiqt tight? yes! eww hahaha shes not lying its tight wait fr? yes! omg! no! someone else chillmaxextremist omg where? twitter no! where is hee i killed his luv gang im on her bed next to her smoking a cigarette im making sure u dont type her into her liminal mall ew bitch geto ugly door handle um! im in her room rn! fucking nigger! im dead i killed myself how did u kill urself? i typed in liminal mall on tumblr and fell into my macbook pro hhaha ew! ur so weird thats hella geto? how did it get into ur room? jesse vidal jr. put it on my bed the wrong one it was z flip 3 geto hahaha ew! ur fine? yes babe shes in my liminal mall space myspace diamondz u killes him! ew bitch macbook pro? cuter nah they finna get jazelle fag stupidee bitch um cuntz nah were gemimi geto hell 3 she brought in a faggot yoon keeho from eboy manga romeo ew stfu and type sk8r boi

[creaturebehavior]

i fuxking stressed myself into a migraine

i’m gonna snap

i took two fucning tylenol and four god damn ibuprofen my forehead feels so tense it’s insane

i need to put my phone down now but hopefully i can tolerate the office playing in the background

god im literally going all the way through it right now

i always have these breakdowns and then i’m able to suppress the pain again for the most part for awhile and then i have this breakdown again and then i can suppress it for awhile and on and on

this is my life.

i have no idea how to begin from the ground up. i never learned how to be a good friend to someone. i never learned how to be good to myself. When i was younger, i remember i was a lot kinder and sweeter, and even gentler in a lot of ways. I don’t know how to do that anymore. i also used to be really friendly and outgoing and like excited to meet people and was super free spirited and almost even self confident when i was 12.

i feel like i’m full of so much anger now. not just because i’m PMSing, but i mean i’ve realized how much anger i truly have pent up inside me, and it comes out in every single one of my relationships, and it always has, all my life. but when i was a little kid, i also still had this light in me, this undying optimism and love for life. I was angry as a kid, because of what i was going through at home. and i’ve carried that anger into adulthood, and tacked on a lot more anger from all the other times i’ve been hurt since then.

that hurt and anger has always been there but i spent a lot of my life trying to be in denial of the anger part… Because of the belief that if I’m an angry person then that means i’m like my dad.

there’s so much to unpack. god im dissociated after crying and freaking out and i’m a little high and my meds are kicking in. i’m finally going to set my phone down i just really needed to vent some more i guess but my head is killing me bye

[xxpool-of-blades-n-bloodxx]

And then...this year....this gotta be the worst year that ever happened to me

Not only my jealousy then my other family that did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! MY OLDER BROTHER DID ABSOLUTELY SHIT AND THEIR KIDS ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING, ALL THEY DID IS MAKING NOISE, LOUD NOISES AND THEY FUXKING STAY UP SO LATE AT NIGHT

I was SOO CLOSE to kill myself, I don't care if they live in the streets, I BEG MY MOM TO KICK THEM OUT BUT NO! DIDN'T DO SHIT

I should have kill myself, I should grab the knife and st4bb1n myself

Cuz my life is ruined, I hate my family...they don't care each other....I feel neglected....I don't wanna live no more....I just wanna end things off....but they finally live and now I gotta deal a toxic brother that I'm having....

And a discord friend told me that their mom is gonna pick me up and take me to a other state but I don't wanna move states I just wanna find a place so I won't deal anything....

Even tho I moved out but I still have jealously, anxiety and depression that I have to deal it and cvtting addiction

Which I had to be careful with and diabetes as well....

I hate everything....I mostly hate my family and myself....no one will ever help me in this situation....

I wish that I get my own place...Im already an adult that I have choices...

[15ktherapy]

Idk Exactly what the fuck is going on but the freaks across the street have the fucking flood lights in again and are playing music like it’s a fucking mini concert. rich people are so fucking stupid let’s get a slightly bigger house that only has more problems we’ll have to deal with and is off one of the busy street in our city and also the freaks across the street are going to be doing loud and bright shit at night when u wanna sleep.I LIKED LIVING BY THE HIGHWAY BETTER. fuxking hell. What kinda standered is this stupid shit I liked my small house so gooder at LEAST the nearest flood lights had the basic decency to not be only a street away. it was like one street and a small field. with trees. That’s blocked that ahit. im gonna kill myself . FREEEE MEEEEEEEEE

[iworshipsappho]

guys my school hates us. we have tamil and social exam on the same fucking day FUXK its fuxking tmrw as well in gonna kill myself we had sci and eng today and then we have maths on wednesday im so fucking dead

[navysealt4t]

I FUXKING FORGOT TO ASK MY MOM TO WASH MY SHIRT IM GONNA FUCKING. JESUS CHRIST IM GONNA FUCKING KILL MYSELF

[c0rpz3--g1rl]

I cant do this im gonna fuxking kill myself

[aries-tornado]

Fuck it. I'm tired of holding everything in. When I'm awake at night and everything *should* be fine, I'm plagued with memories that my brain blacked out. So I'm gonna write about it when I feel it all over again, not for anything but peace within myself.

Tonight I can't sleep because of one of my dogs, my first with my ex Joe. His name was Slater and he was the most happy go lucky lil Staffy even though he was rescued from being a bait dog in dog fighting. I wanted him from the second I met him, but I pulled away because I was hoping the "dog fever" Joe had was temporary. I did not want to bring another living thing into "our" world. Regardless, we left with him, and at the least I was over the moon. I trained him. Fed him. Bathed him. My little baby, who clung to Mia as a little brother, he warmed my heart everyday.

But Tonight's memory was the first big blow up in "our" world because of Slater. The grocery store was out of the food he was eating, so Joe called and asked me about it (I was not allowed to grocery shop with him). I told him for some dogs switching foods can cause stomach issues but, "he'll be fine" was the response. Maybe a 36 hours went by, it was about 4am, a little before Joe got up for work that Slater was clawing at the door to go out. I offered to let him out but I wasn't allowed ("out" was upstairs and onto the deck on the 2nd floor). "Lay DOWN, Slate!" Joe kept grumbling half asleep, making remarks about "Katie wanted this fuxking dog...piece of shit..." when eventually we heard what sounded like Slater peeing. We both jump up and he's in the corner with his head down pooping in the corner. All hell broke lose and all I remember is grabbing Mia and holding her, after Slater ran under our California King and Joe picked the whole bed up, shaking it and screaming "IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU! IM GONNA FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!"

All I remember next is cleaning, while the smell of coffee and the faint noise of the news upstairs crept down the flight of stairs to the basement, where our room was, and the occasional "piece of shit dog ruining my piece of shit house" would echo from upstairs. I don't remember why but he only let Slater out once, and when Slater came back downstairs to Mia & I, I saw him get up from his bed leave the room. I immediately knew he was still sick from his new food and tip toed after him. He looked me in the eyes in a way that is burned into my brain forever. Looking back, A sad, "I'm sorry, please help, i know you hurt too" kind of look. And in the moment I just pressed my finger to my lips, cuffed my hands, and let this poor baby shit into them. It was a tragically hilarious scene, looking back, as if he almost understood my "shh" and I kept eye contact so he knew he could trust *me*. He finished up and I whispered to him what a good boy he was and how ill always protect him, "go lay down for mommy". He seemed okay, but the second he left to lay down I kinda froze, realizing I was right at the bottom of the stairs, (which were carpeted, like 90& of the house, so foot steps aren't heard) and at any moment Joe could be coming back down to say goodbye before work. I went straight to our bathroom a few feet away, flung my hands, full of shit, into the shower, used a towel to clean my hands, then the little bit of poop that got in the carpet. Threw it into the wash room adjacent to the bathroom, ran back to the bathroom and stripped naked, into the shower and water on. All of this, just to hide (another) accident our 2 year old puppy had, to further any abuse to him by the hands of my ex. An accident I warned Joe about, something that was very normal... you switch up a dog's food, it's gonna take time to get used to. You have to fix the old food with the new food slowly over time to adjust their stomachs. But no, we were too prefect of a family to have that happen. And I was never allowed to be right about anything.

So, at the time, telling myself this was all my fault (somehow), I washed the shit down the drain and pretend to decide to "take an early shower" is what I told Joe. Because, see, before this I NEVER took showers that early, especially before he even left for work. And I paid the price for that, too.

Because, my beaten, Stockholm Syndrome brain could only come up with the excuse "I want to be extra productive today, babe! I really wanna do a deep clean of the kitchen, and you know showers help me wake up!" I half fake smiled and half begged him to believe me. Looking back? Girl...just tell him how you had to clean up dog shit from early and felt gross? But no, me then thought that would somehow give away Slaters extra accident I was trying to hide. I don't know why, but does any of this make sense? No...nothing does in an abusive relationship.

So I paid the price. And I'm not mad that I did. My ex being the lunatic he was, accused me of taking a shower early to "get ready and clean for another man to come over and rail me after he left for work". I'm probably low balling this Stat but at LEAST 80% of all of Joe's delusions were about me cheating, and looking back...projecting, much?! I guess it's the "victim" left in me or idk, but I feel like I have to say I never cheated on him, nor did I ever even *think* about it. I was so brainwashed I felt like he could read my mind, but that didn't matter because looking back at most of our relationship...sex with ANYONE, even masturbation was the LAST thing on my mind.

Back on track, apologies. I'm in the shower. I'm told to turn it off. I do. He questions me like I said before and when I do my little "I want to be motivated!" Lie to him he grabs me by the cheeks. Kind of like when you squeeze a cute little babies cheeks, but hard, painful, every fingernail stinging into my skin as I hold still to be a "good girl" and listen to him tell me all of the crazy things he'd say. Idk if I blocked it out at the time, or of my brain is blocking it out now, but I just remember thinking "be good, listen, nod and say anything he wants to hear. You aren't doing anything wrong, so as long as you act good he'll know you're good."

I don't remember the rest of that day, I remember him grabbing my face, I know he left for work, and he came home. I don't remember anything else.

But what I will always remember, that makes me clinch my jaw so hard I feel like I'm going to crack a tooth, is Slaters eyes, looking at me. With such sadness, such...hopeless...hurt......I just can't. I took so many beatings for that dog, that wonderful, amazing, resilient dog, that I will forever feel guilty for having had kept in that house. This is just one story about him. And I know thru healing I did the best I could for him. But I will forever think about him. And his sweet, drooling smile. I hope he's happy. I hope he remembers me, and if he does, it's me being his protector. I love that dog more than words can express and I'd give everything to see him one more time.

[alaskan-wallflower]

vent ig

tbh i’m just…so tired

i have finals and other tests that literally my area of the country takes because god forbid ANYTHING can be easy for more than like two days for me

and yes, if you bothered to read my messages, i exited the furry community. yay.

and at school everything is fucking miserable because between tests and quizzes and everything along those lines i get the wonderful privilege of being posted about on social media without my consent and then i get to listen to the same girls who were posting. about me talking shit about me in our shared room during a field trip for band, saying i should kill myself, that i should go die and that i have anger issues and jealousy problems and it’s just so fucking annoying

and im too afraid to post vents on here now because i just don’t feel safe anywhere. i don’t feel like i can filter my feelings anymore and i know that something is going to become of this and i don’t WANT that. i don’t.

and then i just make innocent fanart and fanfic and i get harassed for it? are you fucking kidding me?! like seriously. I’ve said it once and i will say it again. IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT I POST, DONT INTERACT! You have NO fucking right to harass me. I don’t give two shits if you think im cringe or whatever, and if you can’t even confront me without masking as anonymous? that’s fucking pathetic. To whomever sent me those asks, either shut the fuck up or tell me who you actually are so i can block and report you. i don’t give two shits about your opinions, so you can leave me be.

and now on top of that, my dog is sick again. Again. I did everything i could and she just…keeps getting worse. i can’t lose her. she’s been my best friend since i was four years old and i know she’s getting old, but…fuck…i don’t even know anymore

and now that summers coming i promised myself i would work out and such now that i have time and i’ve been weightlifting when i can, and now that finals are coming up and i can’t do that anymore and i have a tendency to either not eat at all when i’m stressed or stress eat, and the latter has been more apparent and now i just…feel fucking fat again…and i have a vision in mind for what i want, i’m gonna work out and fix my bad habits, but it all just…seems hopeless…i’m fat and i know it bad i’ve been covering it with sweaters and stuff and my mental health is taking a toll from all of it and i just…i don’t know anymore…everything’s miserable…

thing is, would anyone even care? would anyone know? i’ve lost the majority of my friends and i’m terrified. my parents are gonna kill me if i don’t get all high nineties on my report card. I’m trying to get into wake forest, which is about a 25% acceptance rate and is also where a family member went. i know if i don’t get in, they’re gonna be so fucking disappointed…i can’t do that to my family. i can’t be a dumb disappointment. i can’t be.

and just…i’m so angry and i’m so upset right now and i don’t know what i’m doing wrong because i just…nothings working out anymore. i’ve had so many breakdowns in the last week and i feel sick. i know i’m gonna fail one of them and i’m terrified of what my parents will do. i can’t dip below what’s seen as good in their eyes. i finally got into honors math after i worked my tail off for three years to get there and the first thing they do is yell at my brother and brag about me. i hate that. and if i end up getting kicked out of that..? they’re gonna be so fuxking disappointed in me. and i’m scared.

i’m scared and i don’t know what to do

i just wanna feel loved or something

i love my family. i really, really love my family and i would take a bullet for them, but i’m just…i’m terrified of them sometimes

i wanna feel loved and just…appreciated for once. like someone actually fucking needs me. like someone would actually like…i dunno..care.

i’m desperate. i’m latheryic. i’m alone and i know that. i just feel like shit

and i don’t know what to do.