#im going to take a shower tonight
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Vent: it's really just me rambling.
I thought about saying it yesterday and today. There will never be good time to say it.
So theres no point in trying to find one. But I'm quite nervous about it. I've told no one the details or even about what Cookie 12 is to me. And why I've had to stop daydreaming about him and everything else imaginary.
It makes me wonder if I actually can say it. Say anything.
Recently my dad has started telling me that the things I say matter, and that they are important. And while I believe that (to a degree), it doesn't stop me from not saying things. I don't trust people very well anymore.
My parents don't even know I've struggled with it because I never told them. They haven't got a clue. No one does.
I know its because I don't say anything. I'm to afraid to say things. Even if they are things I like. I'm to scared to call someone a friend. So i say i have no friends.
It feels like I, myself, don't know if I have friends. Im too scared to figure it out. To get close.
When Grayless called me her friend, I was confused and could barely respond. I'm too afraid to be someone's friend. Because they'll hurt me.
The closet friends I've had are imaginary. They aren't real.
And now that I'm not letting myself go back to daydreaming or fall back in the beliefs, I've become very upset.
People do not like my presence. At least that's how I see it.
The person i had tried to comfort a bit ago doesn't seem to like me.. We were waiting for a substitute to come and I came up to where everyone else was sitting.
They asked a question so I responded. The told me it was " A-B conversation".
🙂
Well first of all it's not because your talking to 3 people. Second of all I'm sick of getting left out on purpose.
Theres a student that people generally dislike. We were getting put into teams for dodgeball and the students were picking the teams.
Tell me why they picked the student they disliked so much before me and I was picked last.
Why do people do that?.
Why do people pick me last, and right before pick someone they hate.
I know that if I don't say what I like people can't connect to me. But I don't think I can connect to these people. I don't think they want me.
But my NBB likes me. She likes me a lot. I feel bad that I don't really. Shes broken me down a whole lot.
I didn't want to think that one person could be the reason that I don't trust others. And I'm right, it's not just her, but shes a big part of why.
Despite that I haven't been able to not help her when shes in need. I've never been able to do that. To not care about another person.
People say it's an admirable trait. But they fail to recognize how it works. Having high empathy doesn't mean you can comfort people well. It doesn't mean you can help. It just means that you feel it.
I feel it so hard that I don't always help. Empathy itself is a skill, but it's not a fix-all.
This is so disjointed, but maybe I will say what cookie12 is. If I can manage.
#cheeseburgerboy#im kind of complaining actually.#im not turning this back on.#im actually closing my eyes. and walking away. and um seeing other things unrealted. and waiting. and this isn't actually important#and other such things as well. my mom is calling#shes at some church thing. she'll be there until Thursday#in her prayer yesterday she prayed that dad would be paitent and kind#i get patient. but kind confuses me#she also told me to keep to keep him stable or something like that.#i don't really having to do that with you guys. its not a regular occurence. but its an irregular occurence.#helping you guys can be stressful. but recently when i end up having to help them ive started kind of breezing through it until you stop#i either cry or just take a break after that. depends on the context of the conversation#non of this is important.#it doesnt matter#so so panicked for what. close your eyes#im going to take a shower tonight
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Fernando instinctively trying to protect his boyfriend Seb from the champagne spray
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#im suddenly very brainrotted abt them again....#i mean rbh when am i not! just suddenly posting again#this has been in my gallery for a while but finally posted it#only HE can spray champagne on his rival okay 🙄🙄🙄#possessive much??#me when i read into things too much 🙉#I DONT CARE!! ITS SO CUTE TO ME#its not even like him preemptively trying to avoid getting sprayed#like no its very much him trying to help seb block the spray imo#i feel like you can almost see him say 'stop' but maybe thats a bit too delusional shfjkg#i wish i could post a vettonso clip every day 😔#grrrrrrrrr i wonder if their fingers brushed in the last pic.......#theres smth so cute to me abt fernando up on the podium#kinda waiting to pour it on seb#and then seb going up there to dutifully receive his champagne shower#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#we do a little bit of f1#2013 canadian gp#i meant to gif a race tonight and i didn't so posting this instead!#* i just realized you can see seb reach for his hat and then abort when lewis sprays him#i bet he was gonna take it off and let fernando pour it on his hair and then prob shake like a dog like he usually does....#i feel like ive been edged now 😔😔😔😔
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who needs friends when i have my mom
#i love her#she’s taking me out for a birthday lunch 🥰🥰#i just showered and wore my birthday pajamas that i bought spontaneously it feels nice#im also sleeping on a bed tonight!! thank u grandpa for going to the farm and leaving me your big comfortable bed#perks of having my birthday on a weekend i get to sleep comfortably
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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I... I'm crying. People are so nice. So fucking nice and kind and lovely. Someone sent me money just now with the message "Get yourself a pizza." I'm literally in tears rn. Thank you, whoever you are. I love you, I love you, I love you. I've barely been out of bed, let alone eating right.
#i havent taken a shower in a week i havent refilled my meds i havent been taking all my meds for over a week just some#my hair is a mess i need to do laundry desperately because im wearing dirty clothes#i have no spoons and everyone gets mad at me when i make dinner or order dinner#tonight im going to take care of myself#ill get a pizza just for me and shower and try to do laundry as well#im gonna be ok#and with all hope my mom will come home tomorrow
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#im going to make it a good day and im writing it here for accountability#im going to get out of bed as soon as i finish writing this#im going to shower#then get dressed in cute comfy clothes#then get something to eat. maybe not the healthiest but something that i like#then im taking my laptop and going to the nice coffee shop#im gonna get the really pretty tasty drink that ive been loving lately#its like green apple flavored energy drink with caramel syrup. its delicious and always imoroves a day#and im going to write or work on a different creative project#something to get me out of my head and give me something creative to work on#then ill come home and clean my room. i deserve a nice clean space to live in#and then tonight is the weekly ttrpg session. the big finale#and i am not letting anything ruin that for me#im going to enjoy myself and have fun with friends#and im going to do what i can to be okay#gotta stay healthy and mentally well if i intend to outlive him (which i do)#okay it felt good to write it out. im gonna do this today. as soon as i finish writing this im gonna take a shower. a good start to the day
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told myself I would be productive today but instead I've been rotating myself like a rotisserie chicken in the tiny patch of sun coming through my open back door and listening to the bees buzzing round my apple tree
#and scrolling tumblr also#im just so sleepy and i have missed the SUN my BELOVED#i was supposed to take my bike for a short trip today but the idea of covering myself in heavy bike gear when i could instead be basking...#i think not.#soon i will go shower n i will make sure i at least cook dinner tonight. but i guess today was a cat day#my cats are actually quite cross that i stole their spot. too bad#post
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ok im finishing this fucking pitch presentation tomorrow =__=
^this is what peak performance looks like also btw
#taking shower doing meal prep for tomorrow going the fuck 2 beddddd. bluh. bglghgghrgh. maybe ill also think abt reduction lino plans#tomorrow i need 2 be Good at something i'm doing u know. <- yes yes i know whatever.this is my blog let me have my neuroses in peace.#maybe ill do a p5 lino print. thinking abt joker i miss u joker..............#DIDN'T GET 2 PD ALSO. LMAO. sorry. in my defense ive been horrifically busy all weekend & if i stay up late tonight im going to start#crying <33 ill get there.... i need 2 see wiwi on my puter screen soon. -_-#txt
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ya ever just so depressed that all you've eaten in the last 48 hours is a cosmic brownie that you didn't even want and you're craving taco bell so badly but you can't even afford it so you just lay in bed and cry and eat ice cubes
#or is that just me#ramblings#also i have an mri tonight#which means i have to#get out of bed#shower#get dressed#and leave the house#im taking a trazodone this time though#bc i almost had a panic attack last time and im gonna have to go in further#n e way
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OFFICIALLY HALFWAY DONE WITH THE ANNOTATED BIBLIOGRAPHY!!!!!!!
#my post#cant wait to only be in one graduate class next year#anyways. i still have so much to do#im going to try to get another 5 sources done tonight before i go to bed#but i think ill take a break and shower before i go on#i found my 11th source thank u google scholar
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i want to play dragon quest but i need to eat and i need to shower and i need to do laundry but my cat is all curled up and i cant move so im just sitting here with my gross hair and my grumbly tumbly thinking about how i should really do something productive
#i cant procrastinate the shower all day because im going to a wad watch tonight and i refuse to use a hair dryer#because it makes my hair super frizzy but it also takes forever to dry so unless i want to show up with wet hair i need to shower soon#but augh i dont want to move rn
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I'm going to wear the skin off my hand at this rate. From fucking with the fucking drain snake.
No, I don't have it fixed yet. I did manage to pull a wad of hair out though. So I'm still trying. My hands just hurt.
#speculation nation#negative/#broke down crying twice hunched over a fucking drain#i was supposed to shower an HOUR ago.#but here i am just trying to unclog my fucking tub drain. it is so incredibly undignified. i think i bruised my wrist.#might just be another hour (or two or three) of this! yayyyy!!! i have to go to bed in 2 hours!!!!!!!!!!#and i still had my fucking READINGS to do tonight. for my stupid fucking class tomorrow#im very veery vereeeeery tempted to just not do them because fuck this class fuck this school fuck this STUPJD FUCKING APARTMENT#i want to hurt thingssoooooo so so badly but i need to shower and so here i am hunched over my Fucking drain#currently not. taking a break. i was shaking too bad.#but i dont have the time to waste on not getting this done. i need to get it done. i need to take my shower.#this sucks. so fucking badly. what the hell.
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ourgejjg
#i am feeling so ill rn for no reason and i need to shower and wash my hair so bad but i can tell if i do it rn it’ll make the#lightheadedness ten times worse and there is a nonzero chance i will just pass out in there 😭#best guess is bc my period started today and yeah the first two days suck but they’re not usually This bad#personal#also this is the last thing i need rn it’s tech week and all rehearsals lately have been going/are going to go till 10 pm and i have no tim#to do all my assignments and my probability prof assigned a lab today that’s due TMRW AT MIDNIGHT? <- we usually get a class period btwn#it being assigned and the deadline and he’s not even giving us until the next class period to do it now like why is it due at midnight#instead of noon the next day… also i have not one but two exams immediately following this weekend and i really want to see my family for#easter but that sounds like such a bad idea im so unproductive at home and i’ll be busier than usual when i go home on top of that bc easte#and one of the exams is circuits for which exams are worth 90% of our grade and im averaging a 74% at the moment which is NOT#promising and. AAAAA#also have an exam this thursday which imnot nearly as worried abt but still. and i have to meet w someone abt a scholarship tmrw during my#free period so i Still can’t work on that stupid lab due tmrw night like. this sucks okay ‼️#the engineering chronicles#the music chronicles#i know it was only a matter of time before musical started stressing me out but 😭 please give me back the joys of saturday’s rehearsal…#oh also there’s ANOTHER probability lab due day after easter and same day as circuits exam and the prof is the same so he knows full well#what he’s doing like. why are you not giving us the usual period in btwn for these anymore fuck you <3#OH ALSO soldering qualification i need to do for like 3 hours wednesday the night before my thursday exam. nearly forgot abt that one i hat#it hereeee#soldering i could reschedule tho which i might do. but ive already pushed it back once so im like :/ do i really wanna do that#idk. still feel sick as fuck and still need to do physics prelab tonight 😭 it shouldn’t take long but i really don’t want to get up and#stare at my computer even more ifeel so awful rn#ANYWAY. sorry that was oversharing even for me i am just 😐 you know.
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you ever have such a good day & then boom. The Sadness.
#vent#uh oh!#its okay tho! because i am going to shower & then im gonna listen to music & finish reading yhe fic ive been reading (i will not finish it-#-tonight but im gonna get to at least half way :) )#& maybe i’ll write out some more plans for that thing that’s not really anything yet & uhh. maybe ill let myself ramble to someone about -#- the things i cant stop thinking about & i’ll get myself hyped for things again & then if im still feeling bad before i go to sleep i can#- take anothing anxiety thing & everything will be Okay & Wonderful
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On a random fic related side note, just saw I'm at nearly 80 fics written for our flag, and can only think to myself
'wow bud, you had like. over 100 for the Pacific probably even faster than this. You've really lost steam, huh?'
and like. Brain. could we just enjoy the number go up, even if number go up SLOWLY
#text post#i probably need to shower and try to sleep and not keep writing but like#my Emotions are very Much right now and they're waiting for me for when I try to sleep#but if I keep writing then i just randomly break into slightly confused tears and can keep going#aka god sorry izzy for any new our flag stuff i might write tonight bc he almost always gets to thru a new trauma#based on whatever im currently working thru or struggling with#him or stede god sorry to both of them i'll do my best to like. fuck push myself to write a cute fic#some of these are halloween leaning prompts like. I haven't written anyone taking the bonnet kids trick or treating yet#yes i know it's an almost entirely american thing and isn't realistic but like. how else am i putting these pirates#in a modern au with dorky current costumes like. jack alone is a beautiful font of opportunities with that#inflatable dinosaur suit? he has four including one handmade#tacky sex pun costumes? he has an entire plastic tub full of them#...brain really wants the number to keep go up i need to write PARDON ME
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#forcing myself to clean the depression nest (the flat) in whatever little baby steps i can manage because i know it will help#and i know the reason its this bad is in part due to the overwhelming thought of tackling it all at once#but the home bar is cleaned and reorganized. all the staple liquors are in decanters and the beer shelved. glasses dusted.#the shower/tub is scrubbed as much as my pain levels can manage and ive swept the bathroom floor#im going to see if i can manage the mountain of laundry taking up my side pf the bedroom tonight as well#if i can i might be able to vacuum a bit finally and the room can air out tonight#i picked up some cedar and balsam oils for the diffuser and a $2 decanter as a reward for tidying the bedroom and bar#so heres hoping#no idea what dinner will be i had hoped my late lunch would be enough to tide me over but seems i was wrong#maybe a snack plate
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