#im going to rot in a hole now and dream of someone

[breathing-in-waves]

Just watched Salem's Lot with Lewis Pullman. Is it just me or does he look a little bit like Markiplier?

[maxlarens]

hi lilli!! i heard angst and i came running, how about searching for each other in crowded rooms, finding each other everywhere with logan or oscar, whoever sparks the most inspo, but plot twist—not being able to be together for some reason (the why is totally up to you, feel free to ignore if this isn't your cup of tea). thank u thank u <3

kait!!! hello!!! thank u for sending this in!!! im gonna do oscar 😁 it genuinely hurt my feelings SO BADLY to not have them make up at the end of this. so i sympathise with everyone that im about to make sad it was a bad time for me too❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

It's familiar, this feeling.

The squeeze of your chest, the grieving, panicking thing climbing up your throat. You've been feeling it a lot lately, every time you catch a glimpse of someone with hair the same colour as Oscar's; wearing clothes you swear that he has; a person with the same shoulders, the same gait.

You've been seeing him everywhere. You just think you have. Monaco is small… not that small apparently.

When it had first happened, at the beginning of summer break, you’d half expected to be back together within a week. For Oscar to message you and half-beg to talk to you again. In your dreams, you’d both come grovelling back to each other, apologising for cruel words, making amends for various mistakes. Then you would kiss him and you’d tell him how much you love him and things would get better.

Instead, you’ve spent weeks of your summer break totally and utterly miserable. Missing Oscar like a phantom limb. You reach for him, he’s not there. You go to text him, find a thread of messages discussing the logistics of returning the other’s belongings.

You sit in your flat and you watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy twice in a row twenty two hours and forty-four minutes because it doesn’t remind you of Oscar and it occupies your time in a way nothing else can right now. You cry until your eyes are puffy and you write in a diary you’ve never touched before, because it needs to go somewhere. The feeling stuck in your throat needs to be written down said out loud and you can’t say it to Oscar, who you would usually tell everything, because he needs “distance from you right now”.

Briefly, you convince yourself that “right now”, indicates that there still might be a later for the two of you. That this thing between you that’s fallen to pieces might one day be salvaged. In the quiet moments of Lord of the Rings you spiral down a rabbit hole of ways to get Oscar back, pathetic fantasies of how you might convince him to talk to you again. Then Arwen says, “I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone” and you cry for two hours straight.

You sob, your face in your pillow and you think that was supposed to me! That was supposed to be us! And maybe it wasn’t, maybe you’re not an elven maiden giving up her immortality for a mere man, but you love Oscar. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with Oscar. And now… now…

Well—

It is the waiting that’s the worst.

No texts, no calls. Lando sends you a few, but you can’t bear to hold a conversation with him, knowing he’s playing both sides. And anyway, you’re just thinking about Oscar. Is he there? Is he reading your texts? Seeing the pathetic selfies of you on your couch in days-old PJs? Is he staring at your stagnant text thread just like you are? Has he blocked you?

Your every waking thought is consumed by him. You drag yourself out of the apartment for coffee down the street and you wonder what he’s doing. Has he been rotting at home like you? More than likely he’s been doing things. Playing padel with Lando, going out for lunch, training at the gym, FaceTiming his family.

You feel sick to you stomach. You can list on one hand the activities that you’ve done since Oscar broke up with you at the beginning of the month:

Sleeping, crying, watching Lord of the Rings, ordering takeout, training because you have to. Going for coffee had been a big step out of your current comfort zone. You’re wearing pants that aren’t sweatpants… you’d even showered properly for fuckssake.

You got your most noise-cancelling headphones on, blasting sad Taylor Swift (who you don’t even like. It’s just something to fill the void) and staring down the barista so you can lip-read if they’re saying your name or the words Large Oat Latte. And then—

Then. The barista is mouthing Oscar and your stomach lurches as the exact object of your ire temporary depression walks to the counter. You try to convince yourself it’s not him, you keep seeing him places but it’s never really him. But it is, that’s his burgundy shirt, his swoop of hair, his knobbly little ankles.

You release a ragged breath that you hope isn’t too loud. You duck your head, try to avoid his gaze as he turns, pretending that you haven’t seen him. Try to look occupied by your phone though you’ve only had time to open to your home screen. Tears prick at the corners of your eyes, you blink furiously, trying your best not to fall apart in this coffee shop.

At least he’s not with someone else, you think as a tightness crawls up your throat to settle at the base of your tongue. But he looks happy, he looks fine, he looks better than you feel right now. God, what if he’s better off without you? What does it mean that you don’t seem to better off without him?

There’s something wet sliding down your left cheek and then you see Nike trainers entering your vision, still directed firmly downward. Someone puts a hand on your shoulder— you don’t jump but it’s a near thing. You reach up to slip your headphones off, wiping the tear discreetly as you go. Then you look up and it’s him, it’s Oscar.

He’s holding out a paper cup labeled, Oat Latte and smiling at you tightly.

“They were calling your name,” he says by way of explanation.

“Right,” your voice is shaky, weak, “Thanks.”

He nods, you take the coffee, careful not to touch his hand. You’re trying to swallow down the lump in your throat that’s rising rising trying to claw its way out of your mouth. You blink away the tears filling the corners of your eyes. You can’t look at him.

You’re looking up at the ceiling instead, biting the inside of your mouth. Breathing in and out, in and out.

He says your name, and then, “Do you want to talk?”

You feel like a tonne of bricks has just hit your chest. Knocking the wind out of you. Tears, hot and wet, are slipping down your cheeks. You can’t speak, you turn around and leave the coffee shop without saying anything because surely you’ll just start crying if you open your mouth. Oscar finds you again across the road, in a dark cobbled alleyway. The heel of your hand is pressed to the middle of your chest, you’re hiccuping, trying to stifle heavy sobs that you’d much prefer to let out in the privacy of your own apartment.

“Hey,” he says, gathering you into his arms before you can push him away, “It’s okay.”

You whine, collapsing into his chest, face pressing into his shoulder, “No, it’s not.”

You cry loudly, trying fruitlessly to keep the sobs in. Oscar’s hand rubs comforting circles into your back, which makes it better until you realise it’s Oscar, which makes it immediately worse. You stay there a while. Until your eyes are puffy and your throat sore.

“Better?”, Oscar asks, the crease between his eyebrows prominent.

You sigh tiredly, shrug, “Sure.”

Your coffee is cold now, your chest feels void, hollow.

You shake your head before Oscar can say anything further, before you’re set off on another fucking pathetic crying fit in the arms of your ex-boyfriend, “I can’t talk, Oscar. I really can’t.”

“Okay,” he says, nodding and swallowing some lump in his own throat.

You bite down hard on your tongue. Turn to leave the dark alley to go home, your back prickling with Oscar’s wet brown-eyed stare on you. He lets you leave. You spend the ten minute walk wiping tears before they fall and itching to run back, to kiss him, to pour all the emotion in your chest into some physical action.

There’s an awful grieving ache in your chest that’s carving out your insides and when you check your phone after walking in the door there’s a text from Oscar that reads:

I miss you. I’d really like to talk to you soon.

not sure if it was weird but the lord of the rings Mentions were kinda about how you’re in such a fragile state during a breakup that something as irrelevant to your break up at lord of the rings will make you cry for hours for no real reason. (and not to expose myself but after a break up i did watch the lotr trilogy two times in a row. told my friends and got a text from one of them asking if i was depressed 😭 like yes… temporarily alright)

send me a prompt/req + driver and i'll write something. pls check if my requests are open first 💖

[1nthedarknessofthenight]

﴾ i drink your blood and i eat your skin, part eight.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x f!reader

genre: vampire au

word count: 12,4k

warnings: blood ⋆ only a mention of an animal but not described in any way!

author’s note: im so sorry for not writing again sooner, I still have some exams before me to do. though i can’t wait for my summer break, because I will finally have the time to write again and you can look forward to some other stories of mine that are almost rotting in the drafts. and btw thank you again for the amazing support <3

masterlist

playlist

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If only the things you done in the past could be erased the moment you realized you were in the wrong. You wished that after realizing your mistake, it all could be left behind. Why are you so stupid sometimes? Why did you speak before thinking first? Maybe you do deserve the pain he inflicted on you. You were asking for it but you only wanted to know the truth, you didn’t expect that it would somehow affect him so much. It was like he also learned the truth that night. Your head perhaps is just a hole filled with insecurities which you just can’t overcome because you simply won’t expect the fact that someone might actually like you. Like you, to get to know you better, see and hear about your biggest fears and dreams, helping you get pass them, overcome them and accomplish them. It feels like forever since you thought about your feelings this much. You were so used to blocking them away.

You want so badly to just let go and enjoy all of this but you have been alone for so long that you don’t even know if you want to be loved anymore. It is such a crazy idea to you, a reality now…maybe. You dream about being loved that is all you do and maybe it is the only right thing for you. You are a lover girl, not a loved girl…that’s how it is supposed to be in your head. Are you sabotaging yourself?

A man such as himself falling in love with you? Tall, handsome, so charming and yet so dark and broken, wanting only you to be his forever. You want so badly to do the same but it is all just so scary. For quite some time your world started to become dull, everyday was the same. You realized, you were always alone after all and suddenly someone came in to your life, wanting to change that? What if this is the same for him? He has seen the world grow, the circle of life, people dying and being born again. It must be so lonely for him in some way, no one stick around long enough. Like he said — if you were like him, maybe you would understand but you don’t want to say that you somehow do understand…feel something. How could you not really? Even after what happened, because of that you want to get to know him better even more. And you’re so crazy in the head that you almost liked how he touched you…

You are awake now, still however feeling yourself slip into unconsciousness every once in a while. Your body is dripping in sweat, nightgown clinging on to your skin. Though you don’t remember any dream that could possibly make your body react in that way and it is always so cold in your room. A sigh leaves you as you roll onto your back. You hate how much you enjoy the silk sheets pooling over you, caressing you. The blissful state of almost falling asleep again is abruptly interrupt as something drip down on to your skin. You wipe it off but as you do, it only happenes again.

As your hand wiped off the substance which you thought was your sweat, your coated fingers graze your nose. The awful coppery smell hits you instantly, making your face scrunch up in confusion laced with panic. As you open your eyes, they fall onto your hand. You breathe out in shock at the crimson blood as another bead drips into your open palm, making your eyes tilt up to the direction it came from.

…You have never seen such a horrifying sight. Your mind is completely wiped out of any thoughts because you couldn’t simply make out what you are seeing right now. However this gruesome picture stares right at you, almost like presented in a way, so it gives the most gut wrenching feeling out of you. Your whole body stiffened but soon began shaking wildly in panic and fright and every passing second you look at it more, it becomes more real to you. The red color covers your field of vision, you couldn’t see nothing more than that. The once beautiful eyes of the animal are now dull, life completely vanished and you could see the pain in them. The once vibrant white color of its skin now painted red, dripping down on your bed. Your breathing becomes heavy but you couldn’t get any air into your lungs, every intake punches you into your chest and soon your lips open to release a blood curdling scream.

Eyes blocked with your hot tears, made you fall onto the ground as you so desperately try to scramble away as far as your stiff muscles would allow you to. You feel like throwing up, swallowing your spit and trying to fight the awful feeling in your stomach. Your hands curl up to your chest as you sat on the floor, you could feel how much your heart was pounding. You must be dreaming…yes, you must be. This is just another nightmare. Just a nightmare. This is not real. This is not real. This is not real—

You jump harshly as the door to your bedroom swings open, so fast that it flew onto the wall heavily and with such a force that the door almost fell off its hinges. Your hands fly to your ears at the loud sound, still not being able to catch your breath as every intake burned inside your chest. Your bloodshot eyes fall to your nightgown, seeing how much it is stained with that godawful substance and you wish for the floor to swallow you whole.

Your cries are so loud that you don’t even hear someone rushing in to your room, accompanied with another pairs of footsteps. The first person to come in to the room, immediately rushes to your trembling figure, momentarily stopping to look at the sight that now is permanently imprinted in your mind. You feel cold hands touching yours, flinching instantly away from them. You already know who it is, you don’t know how but you just do. Maybe because you feel such a weird sense of calmness wash over you but you are in such a state of shock that you couldn’t do anything other than jump away from the touch.

Hyunjin thought that by being one of the most powerful creatures on earth meant that there was simply nothing to be afraid of…till now — when he heard that sound. Till he heard that horrible sound of your scream…the way it sounded — so in pain, so scared, he immediately felt it too. He didn’t think twice, rushing to your room, so blinded by his own fear that he didn’t even see his family being right behind him, following him. When his eyes fell onto your curled up body, shaking like a leaf, he almost fell down on his own knees in despair. However the well known smell, made him for a second stumble upon the cause of all of this. His heart broke at the sight and also for you. He tried to calm you down but how? You don’t even want to look at him, scared that you will catch a glimpse of it again.

“No—no, I can’t, I can’t–“ Comes out of your lips as soon as his hands leave you. Your shaking hands press onto your eyes, slowly falling down to your knees, crunching up the fabric of your nightgown tightly but you could still see the blood.

Hyunjin glances back for a second at the bed, catching eyes with his equally horrified best friend who stood next to your bed before he also looks down at your body. Only by touching your hands, his own were completely covered in it and for the first time in a while he feels repulsed by the crimson. It gives you pain then why should it give him pleasure?

Your eyes flicker back to the canopy, only feeling more shocked and disgusted at the sight, you just have to be sure you’re not imagining all of this. This is so sick, who did this…why?

Hyunjin looks down again at his hands coated in blood and for a minute he wonders if any of it is yours but he would already know if yes because your blood simply smells different from any other. You aren’t injured physically but this imagine is grater and even more painful than any other. Someone must have done this with a purpose…hurt you. His eyes flash with anger, his priority was only you at this moment, every day, every night. Revenge can wait.

“Search the grounds.” Says Chan. Hyunjin didn’t acknowledge his presence at all till now and looking at him he realized, he wasn’t the only one in great anger. “Even the woods.” He adds, the men who followed their master in to your room nod before scrambling away.

A sob broke the silence, making Hyunjin look back at you. “It’s okay, love-“ He shushes you softly, putting his arms around your body, caging you but still not touching you, only hovering because you didn’t give him your permission.

Your cries die down a little, still hiccuping slightly as the panic slowly goes away. Shaking your head at his words, your eyes close as you tilt your head up. You go to take a breath through your nose but it is only clogged up because of your crying, making you breathe in with your lips. Your eyes open, finally looking at him. Your puffy and red eyes meet his azure and piercing ones. In a sense they calmed you a little as you thought of the ocean every time you would look into them.

Hyunjin’s heart broke even more at your gaze. He could see the pain, panic, sadness while also laced with sleepiness at the corners. How could someone do this to you…

His arms fall a little to his sides and you finally seem to register how close he is to you but you don’t pull away. You are safe now. “Let me help you clean up.”

You don’t give him a response and like he could read your mind, he knew that you weren’t against it. You don’t even know if you can stand up on your own. Your hands press onto the floor, trying to stand up on your shaking legs and before you could stumble even a little, he is already there. Like every time since the night you two met. His hands flew to grip your upper arms. His touch feels different from the past, still strong but now also gentle, like he is holding a piece of glass. You are not sure if it is because of the situation but it almost feels like his cold touch, could set your body on fire. You feel empty, traumatized and completely uselessness. The vampire helped you up, but it is more like he is standing and walking for you both. You have never felt so light in your life and it wasn’t just because of his strong arms, you felt — tired.

He leads you to the bathroom, closing the door slightly while walking you to the bathtub. You let out a small hiccup at his gentle touch, so careful, feeling completely undeserving of his attention at the moment. “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry…” He doesn’t response, letting him push you on to the bath, making you sit down at the corner as he hold you in his arms a little longer. Your brain almost forgot about whatever happened outside this door as he rubs small circles on your skin. Your eyes were too scared to look into his, breath hitching as his thumb trails over the naked skin of your shoulder. Hyunjin also got a little lost in the moment before he looks down at your blood covered nightgown. That sight makes him snap back to his senses, hands leaving your body.

When he stepped out from your line of sight, your eyes fell to the mirror. Blood covered your neck, face, even your hair line and basically your whole upper body. You become sick to your stomach, remembering that this is the blood of an innocent animal. Looking at your hands you reminisced the way its soft skin felt on your skin, just a few hours ago. Now they only made you see the crimson that stained them.

As you look upon them, your view is blocked by a hand, traveling over your skin of your fingertips till it comes to softly hold yours. Hyunjin kneels down before you, holding your hand out for him to wipe off the blood from your skin. He was so soft, it almost felt like your skin was being kissed by a whiff of cold wind. His cold touch calms down your racing heart and you almost want to grumble in protest as he keeps his touch at minimum. It felt so nice and jokingly cooling. However in some way you are thankful that he respects your boundaries.

“I can do it myself—“ You whispered, watching the towel slowly turning red while your skin is finally being able to breathe again.

“No.” He said, stubbornly, almost as he was mocking you but on his face was no smile whatsoever.

You watch him wash your hands with the towel, the water in the bucket where he dipped it in progressively getting darker. You are slightly mesmerized by how much bigger his hand is compared to yours. Yes, you do look at them quite often but seeing his long fingers wrapping around your wrist like that is a first. You become aware that you were still dressed in the same, a little see through nightgown and it makes you self conscious. Your other, now clean hand, comes to tug at the fabric so it isn’t so tight on your body. Watching the man before you, you let his hand linger on your wrist, fingers pressing into your pulse.

He could feel how much your heart is racing, but it is not like he couldn’t hear it with his own ears as well as the pulsing blood underneath your skin. Hyunjin went to wring out the towel, turning back to you with his back now straight. Your breath hitched slightly, timidly lowering your gaze. Even if he was the one kneeling he has the power here. How wrong you were…

Fingers, like a feather touching your chin made you look back at the man. The hand on your nightgown formed into fist for a moment as he now washes away the pain from your features. He still holds your chin between his fingers as he wipes the blood, sweat and tears. The embarrassing noise you almost let out, gets stuck in your throat as you look up at him. How can someone look so good from this angle? His concentrated gaze made you feel timid, so many thoughts suddenly running through your head and ones that made you lower your gaze.

Your lips release a choke breath. At the same moment you look away from him, reality hits you yet again. You can still remember the horrible sight you saw just moments ago. “I don’t understand what happened…why would someone do this —“

He sighed at your confused, saddened tone, lifting your chin higher slightly to meet your eyes and suddenly you forgot you were even angry at him yesterday’s night. Whatever happened yesterday was so silly and so stupid, you really don’t understand yourself sometimes. He was so kind to you, even with his nature, he would never hurt you or wouldn’t even want to see you get hurt...Why are your eyes suddenly wide open? You feel horrible that this — what happened made you realize how stupid and ungrateful you were. You just don’t now what to do…so you rather do nothing or just push further and further away.

Your eyes unwillingly welled up with tears, falling down your cheeks freely and poolling in to his hand. “Poor animal, oh my god was it yours — the horse.” The words fall out of your mouth, sniffling at your own words. When you looked at him, he didn’t quite meet your eye and for the first time you could see how much heartbroken he truly was. “I’m so sorry…”

He suddenly looks back at you, his other hand still tracing the towel your tear stained face. “There is nothing for you to be sorry for…I should be the one apologizing.” Hyunjin whispers the last words, his hands falling to his side before going to grip the bathtub you are sitting on.

You immediately understood what he is implying, it is not like you weren’t thinking about it earlier. “No.” You whisper back, trying to meet his eyes but his are set on the marble floor. “I am sorry.” For everything…you wanted to say. You wanted to say sorry for being so detached.

He shakes his head at your words, a short dry laugh falling from his lips. His hands on each side of you caged you under his glare but it wasn’t an unwelcome one, he looked saddened just as you were about all of this. “Someone did this to you — without me knowing even a single thing…” He sneers but his voice becomes little as he looks at your leg briefly where your mark, bruise, he left on you would be. It burned under his gaze. “No one knows a thing and they could have hurt you. I would never forgive myself for that…” His voice almost cracks at the end, recalling what he did yesterday, feeling like he is no better than the person who did this.

His broken tone rings in the air but only a single move it took to change the whole atmosphere of the room. As Hyunjin looked up at you, his hands gripped the edge of the bath so tightly, you could hear the stone cracking under his palms. You corner almost at the wild look in his azure eyes that are now just a flicker more red than usual. “I will find whoever did this and I promise you, I’ll kill them for you.” He says, lip curling up, giving you a small glimpse of his sharp teeth.

Your heart starts to beat even faster with his words and before you could stop yourself, your hand flew to his. Your hand grabbed his, scared that he would break the bathtub with his unhuman strength. His eyes cleared the moment your warm skin touches his freezing one. Both of you glance at each other in shock and just as quickly as you touched him, you pull away.

Your eyes look at your own hands in disbelief as he look at his in amazement. How are you so warm? Hand so smooth and warm that he wondered how it would feel like to have it back on his skin. What you did, in some way feels different from any other touches you have shared before. It felt intimate, just the split of second giving away such a raw emotion in which he now wants to drown in. He tried to say something but words some times are not enough nor necessary. At least your said precious skin isn’t covered in blood anymore but the big stain on your nightgown is still a big give away of what happened.

Hyunjin then stands up without a word, throwing the towel away before stopping to look through the slightly open door. His heart sank as he gazed back into the bedroom, just as his friend was being removed from the canopy of your bed. How come someone was able to sneak in and do this without anyone hearing even a thing? He knows better. This doesn’t feel like an attempt to kill you — his dead heart seems to skip a beat under this awful thought. This was a sign of a warning.

“From now on, you will be with me. I want you by my side.”

You said nothing, because there is no point in arguing and also you liked his idea better than being in here alone. You can’t stand the thought of ever sleeping in that bed ever again and the once beautiful, comfy sheets made your stomach flip. You again turn to look at yourself in the mirror opposite to you, grimacing at the image. Your messy bed hair was sticking to your skin, eyes and lips puffy with your nose runny from the crying, you can’t understand for a moment, how his appeal could be even possible.

Standing up, you again unstick the material of your nightgown from your skin. It felt uncomfortable, not to mention you felt dirty and the way he could probably see the outline of your body didn’t make you pleased. You go around the tub, just where he stood but before he could let you walk pass him, he stops you.

You stumble slightly when he suddenly turn around, blocking your way with his towering body. You look up at him, shakily breathing through your nose as he glared into your eyes. “Don’t look.” He probably meant whatever was happening inside the room right now and you would definitely feel better of not knowing. It wasn’t like you would want to look anywhere else beside his alluring eyes.

You both take the time to look at each other’s features. You marvel over his perfect pale skin that almost seemed translucent as you could see the veins under the thin layer of skin. It felt like you were seeing him in a completely different light. You also wondered if he was enchanted with you as much as you were with him but that didn’t seem right in your head. Maybe if you were clean and would be wearing something nicer…you suddenly want him to see you in the best version of yourself. He literally has only seen the bad and the worse. Where did this come from?

You listen to the noises just outside the room, they however felt like miles away as he grazed his hand over your left shoulder. Hyunjin was experimenting, trying to see if you would feel repulsed by his touch but you didn’t even flinch. Your heart skipped a beat slightly and from what he could hear it wasn’t in a bad way. His hand, completely now on your shoulder, fingers extending that his index finger almost reached your collarbone, trailed down the length of your arm. His hand awakened goosebumps all over your body, the simple touch made you feel so embarrassed as it was so exciting to your untouched skin. His hand stopped at your wrist, short familiarity spiking through you as he left it there.

Who was more nervous? You or Hyunjin? He would like to say that it was him. His hand tightened its hold, still careful not to hurt you…like he did before. Hyunjin throws the thoughts away, trying to enjoy the fact that you are willingly letting him touch you. He has a hard time to look into your big curious eyes, his own glancing at your hand that clunched the fabric of your nightgown closer to your chest.

He quickly looks away, turning around still holding you and finally walking out of the bathroom together. Your eyes were deadly set onto the floor but you couldn’t miss the fact that he purposely blocked the sight of the bed with his body. Though you are still looking at his hand around your wrist. What if he would be holding your hand instead? Maybe interlock your fingers together? That was probably too much and so early for either of you to handle.

When you step outside the bedroom, you feel like, you can finally breathe. Your eyes flicker to the man who is still holding you to the other people passing by you. They walk by you with heavy, fast steps and as you turned around, some of them would stop at your bedroom or continue their path further. So many people, men and women of all ages. It looked unnatural as because you were so used to being alone in this place. Or maybe they already did walk passed you like this, maybe your eyes just weren’t opened till now.

You jump slightly every time your feet would land on the freezing floor, missing the carpets. You glance down, grimacing because you see blood seeping through the carpet, there was no way you could miss it, even on the dark colors of the material. Hyunjin seems to feel your shift, even if if your emotions were all over the place. He could read people just by the smallest difference in the beat of their heart. Well, sometimes when it comes to you. He looked back at you, eyes traveling to the direction you were looking. Such an attention to detail, even he didn’t notice it. His head was just too occupied at this moment.

Confused you glance at him as he took few steps before you, finding his back turned to you but that wasn’t the thing that made you so confused. It was his irregular steps. He looked like he was dancing and soon you realized what he was doing. He was making a path for you to follow so you wouldn’t step in any of the dirty spots on the carpet. You wanted to thank him but words were not necessary at the moment. However, you, nervously, squeezed his finger that was resting inside your palm and he in responded squeezed your wrist back. How can he know you so well when you speak so little?

He lead you further into the house, the furtherest you have ever been so far. You both passed by the big staircase, going right into the direction where you haven’t been before. The hallway at this side of the house wasn’t almost lit at all, some candles though keep you from stumbling in the dark. The air also was colder but not too uncomfortable, maybe because you’re getting used to it. Hyunjin stops almost at the end of the corridor. Right before slightly open door, turning to you to let you in the room first.

Before you step inside, you glance into the room where the welcoming soft hue of orange was coming from. As you took small step inside, Hyunjin for some reason thought that your small uncertainty in your steps meant you’re suddenly uncomfortable with the hold he has you in. He released you at that, fingers twitching as he could still feel the small electricity at his fingertips. When your hand falls unexpectedly to your side, you turn in confusion at your company who without even a glance walks past you into the room. You don’t want to question his behavior anymore, it seems like these mood swings of his are a normal occurrence, so you just follow him inside.

This room was even bigger than yours. Ceilings even higher, decor even more dramatic and everything just so more monumental. You two however weren’t alone in the room as some maids kept running all over the place and are thankful for their presence at the moment. Your eyes flicker to the bookshelfs, lining the walls, to the small table rounded by a couch and some chairs, to another door, probably leading to a bathroom, till they stop at the big bed. Because of the candles that the maids are trying so hard to light up, you could at least get a glimpse of the room like this. Your eyes travel over to him, standing before you, watching you, before you had to again avert your gaze somewhere else, right back to the bed where you can tell how the sheets were unmade.

“Is this your bedroom?” You wondered out loud but you already knew the answer as you glance timidly back to him.

“Yes.” He said.

You hate this when you realized this is the first time you have been in man’s bedroom like this. You simply nod at his agreement, trying to ignore your own thoughts by looking more around his room, finding even more new things to marvel about because of the lit candles. You could see the small streeks of light, coming from the top of the heavy curtains as well as some papers on one of the tables in the room. You again remembered what happened just moments ago. It was so quick, all of this. From the sight to his kind words, touch and now this. He must’ve just woken up as you turn to look at his clothes. They were still the same clothes that he wore last night, another reminder that all of this happened so quickly. You don’t know, if it’s the fact that you don’t have a life to begin with but everything that happened made you so tired but you can’t even think of sleeping again.

Two women passed by you, watching them put something on the bed. The sparkling fabric winked at you and you immediately realize that those are the dresses that were given to you. You look away, however he is already watching your every move, noticing the small look of wonder on your face.

“I haven’t seen you wearing any of the dresses I gave you.” Hyunjin said, turning his back to you slightly as he leans over his bed to pick at the fabric of one of those dresses. “You don’t like them?” He almost sounded hurt.

You knew that he was just playing with you. “I didn’t know they were for me.” You respond, cringing how stupid it sounded. Who did you play dumb for?

He however wasn’t offended by your lie at all. “I wish to see you in them, but of course only if you want yourself.” The vampire added quickly, not to sound too controlling. “It is not wrong to enjoy these gifts I give you.”

To be fair, you can’t lie that there wasn’t a single moment when you almost picked out one of them, to maybe even just feel the fabric between your fingers but dressing up was the last thing on your mind right now. You are still shaken, confused and traumatized, you kind of wished that all of this was just a dream. He knew that even if it didn’t seem like it. He completely understands how you are feeling right now, he is only trying to keep your mind off it.

Hyunjin panics a little as your heart didn’t calm down, still fast, your lips sat into a thin line. “Would you like a bath?” He asked, more like himself as you finally glance back at him at his words. “You would want to yes…” He thought, almost frantically.

Your eyes flicker down at your nightgown again and at the big stain on the front of it. “Yes…but you can clean up first.” You say, looking at his bloodied shirt, he following your statement by also looking at himself, like he only now realized.

“Don’t worry about me, blood has never bothered me.” He waved you off. Till, he saw it being the cause of your pain.

You frown. “Pobably but it is still from your—“ You stopped yourself before even thinking to continue. His face turns into sorrow for a second at the mention of his beloved, now deceased animal. ��I’m sorry.”

You look around the room again, trying to escape the conversation. The beautiful decorations kept your mind occupied, eyes traveling to the little angels at each corner of the room. Under the dim light they almost looked haunting. His canopy looked even more magnificent and monumental than yours, if that was even possible and definitely less bloody...The colors of the bed however were still the same as yours, the sheets unmade, duvet almost on the floor.

“Aren’t you tired?” You spoke up again, eyes plastered on the bed. When you were met with silence you glance back, him expressing a small confusion on his features. “Like it’s morning.”

“Vampires don’t get tired but yes, sometimes we need sleep to regain our strength but I don’t think I can sleep, knowing you are now in danger.”

“It is alright, you can-“

“No, it’s not!” He raised his voice, the sheer loudness making you tremble as well as the other people in the room who momentarily stopped everything they were doing just to look at him. It was like he himself got shocked by his own reaction but to him it was the only right one. He doesn’t understand how you are somehow so unaffected about this. Yes, you are still slightly shaking but it seem like this is taking a bigger role on him than you. “Someone was in your room, someone got inside without anyone knowing and left a message that for sure wasn’t a felicitation of me courting you.”

You ignore the fact that he basically said you two were to be wed or something like that, because you only realize by his words that he is right. You’re in danger and without even a single clue who the enemy is, but you know that it must be someone powerful as they got away with this so easily. “But I don’t understand why anyone would want to hurt me — I’m no one.” You mean it. You’re a human with one friend, no enemies that you know of and you have a normal, quiet life — till now.

Hyunjin can’t help the small anger rising in his chest from your words, shaking his head in disbelief that you would even think something like that. “You’re not no one, not only for me but also for others.” That made your heart skip a beat and from the way his voice was radiating sincerity. “Someone knows who you are and that leaves you in a dangerous situation…In my long life, I have never feared the enemies, I made along the way, till now.”

You go silent, only sighing deeply from his confession. He really does now how to use his words to make you go insane in the head. You can’t help but feel slightly giddy inside because of the way he always speaks to you, so kindly and passionately, in way that you have only read in books and wondered — just wondered if anyone like this truly exist. You do not know him that well but you can’t imagine him having any enemies at all...maybe his charms didn’t work all the time.

Yawning, you quickly put your hand over your mouth, silencing that embarrassing sound but it only made Hyunjin’s frown deeper. “You can go to sleep…you’re safe now.” He doesn’t think that there will be even a second of not him listening to your beating heart. The possibility of there being a scenario where he wouldn’t be able to, made him scared…he is scared.

You do feel how your eyes are getting droopy, your legs becoming soft but the thought of sleeping after all of these events really wasn’t possible. “I don’t think I can–“ You sigh in small exhaustion. However your body is telling you a whole different story and he could see it. The thing that happened just moments ago, made you truly awake, it made your eyes wide open, for the first time since you got here. Or maybe since you met him?

You started to see different colors, ones that finally made you feel alive. Like you were born again, in some sense. But was it really necessary for a sweet, innocent animal to get hurt for this? It also could have been you... The thought of some stranger creeping up on you while sleeping, you completely unaware and the person choosing to give a message like this instead of not simply killing you, made you fear even more. “—I’m still sorry for your horse…” You say again, you just can’t help but feel a little bit responsible for this.

Hyunjin has to keep calm, emotions too much for his cold heart to bear. “Like I said, it wasn’t your fault…the most important thing is that you are alright.”

Yes, of course. That was the most important thing…

But you do not in fact feel alright. You have just seen the most gruesome image, you have ever seen. It is all your fault. You do not want to be alone. You want to stay with him — he now makes you feel safe. How could you be so heartless and cold towards him? Was it just your defense mechanism with everything that brings you happiness? Finally being seen, made you frightened as there was also someone or something that saw you. It was in your room, the only goal in their mind to scare you…away?

Set of footsteps echo behind you, stopping just at the threshold of the room. You had to focus your eyes on this new face you haven’t seen before. The young man’s skin, shined in the dimly lit room, eyes reflecting like the eyes of a wild animal. He looked so young, hair longer blonde and eyes striking you with their intensity. He momentarily looked at your figure but his full attention was however on the vampire behind you. They stared at each other, the blonde giving a look which you couldn’t quite understand but Hyunjin certainly did.

You feel him right at your back, cold from his skin so close to yours. Turning around, you glance between him and the young man. His close proximity didn’t startle you that much as he with a deep inhale, backs away from you himself. “I have to go now…” He looks down at you with his blue eyes, searching for forgiveness. You don’t want to be alone…for the first time, you really need his company in some way and even if he didn’t like his nonpresence as much as himself, he needs to do at least something about this situation you’re now in. He could see your small frown, you are trying to hide but there is a hint of understanding which he is thankful for.

He takes a step closer to you but stops midway with his lips parted. Whatever there was that he wanted to say, was replaced by other words, you could see the true words reflecting in his eyes. “If you need anything, just go down to the end of the of the corridor, I will be there.”

The tension could be cut with knife, aware of the audience you two still have, you simply nod in understanding, wrapping your arms around yourself as to form some sort of barrier between you and him. Why does he have to look at you like that? Like he could see right through you or maybe trying to, flickering his vibrant eyes all over you.

Your lips also parted but you close them again as he walks past you in a sense of hurry and you didn’t even know it was because he almost decided to stay here with you…

────

And in fact, sleep didn’t find you after all. Every time you would close your eyes, you would see the gruesome picture, the sad and grey eyes staring right at you, the blood…The bed you are laying in is still cold, the heavy duvet couldn’t give you the warmth you were searching for. You desperately need someone, just to comfort you. You have never felt so scared and paranoid. Your eyes would travel all around the room, till you memorized every detail in the dimly lighted room. You didn’t let anybody blow even a single candle off because the thought of being in the dark, made your skin crawl.

The only thing which weirdly seem to comfort you were the sheets. The spicy, sweet scent lingering in them filling your nose till it helped your body to relax. You tried to ignore the fact that the sheets smelled like him. It is only because he is powerful enough to protect you, his scent wrapped around you like an embrace you still desperately need. Protect you? He even said himself that he failed to do that…Someone really tried to — or maybe at least considered to kill you. You…such a bizarre, scary, yet now true and realistic thing. And it is because of him, the man who still scares you.

You can’t really choose sides because you can see who the real enemy is. You can’t keep telling yourself that he is the one who is going to hurt you. You have to believe that he wouldn’t do that, turn into his instincts and just sucking you dry of your life. Maybe he is just a normal man trapped in his own body…

There is probably no way of going out of this now, you fear you don’t have any other choice. You just want to close your eyes and wake up. Wake up from this nightmare. You hate how you have no idea what do to. You, till now had all the control over your life as it was simple and you were basically the only person in it. You, now have to rely on him, trust him to protect you. Trust him that he will not change his mind with you.

You can’t stand a second alone anymore. The creaks of the old wood made you jump every time, your skin around your nails was already raw from your picking and you could feel the lump in your throat slowly suffocating you. You don’t want to be alone anymore, even if it means that he would be the one to safe you from this prison. You just need a small walk and not think about anything. Maybe find something to eat, since you still haven’t eaten anything, even if the thought of food made you sick to your stomach.

You clinched onto the silky skirt of your nightgown, not even caring about the cold floor under your feet. Your skin was clean but the memory still lingered as well as also the metallic smell under your nose. The black fabric trailed behind you as you make your way out of the bedroom. You simply picked the silky, long, black nightgown because it didn’t remind of that one stained in sin.

This side of the mansion was unusually cold. You wondered if it is because of the death living in these walls. Everything however other than the cold, seemed more used and alive. There were roses at every piece of furniture, the carpet which you were standing on, had in some places its color faded and even the wooden floors were scratched, probably from shoes. It all shined with such light, you haven’t seen before.

You walked further and further, till you had to turn around to look at the end of the hallway to a door. It seemed to call to you, maybe that is were he was hiding but as you reached the railing of the big staircase, you were proven otherwise.

Your hand wrapped around the polished wood of the staircase when you felt it. Him, his presence stabbing you into your back. “Where are you going?” You gasp, turning swiftly, with your eyes wide.

Maybe he should stop doing that. Maybe his quiet movements and talent to always creep up on you, just comes with his nature but you probably will never get used to it. His sudden appearance made goosebumps rise all over your body, looking at him with your lips parted. He looked in some way different...His hair was tussled, eyes piercing and weirdly wide as he stared down at your body clad in the black nightgown with an unnatural expression who think you have seen before — but you just can’t place it. His lips were red and plump, almost like just bit into a cherry. He looked…yes, different that is the word. “Nowhere…” Is your simply answer as you tighten your grip on the railing, not being able to meet his eyes. Why don’t you tell the truth? You are not sneaking out or anything but just this sudden difference in his appearance, made you quiver and lost don’t words.

He looks disappointed at your lack of answer. He licks his lips when he took a step closer to you and you couldn’t help but to follow that movement. Was it the smell of him from the sheets still lingering on you or was it coming from him? It burns your nose in an awfully pleasant way, your head almost starts to hurt from it. It wrapped around you, just the way you need, but he didn’t seem to notice your disorientation that much as he himself seems to be quite lost.

“I told you to stay in my bedroom.”

You frown at that. There’s no reason for you to be in his room the whole time, seeing that you are still being watched and he only just proved your point by showing up. Like he said, you’re safe now, at least from the person who did that horrible thing. In fact, you'd rather be doing something other than lying in bed, just wondering. Sometimes being alone with your thoughts is a lot. Finally you want to do something in this still unfamiliar place. For once, you want to do something to keep your mind occupied, so you wouldn’t again drown in your own thoughts and secondly you just don’t think it is that big of a deal that you’re outside his bedroom. There are probably many people looking after you and you’re thankful for that but he seems like he doesn’t trust them, you — to take care of yourself. Maybe you’re a human but you still have free will in this house.

“Till what?” You say, back leaning on the staircase. “I just want something to eat.” You trail off, almost like a little kind after being scolded.

“And I told you to call me if you need something–“

“I can still walk and do things myself…I’m fine.” You, so badly wanted to roll your eyes and maybe not really in annoyance. He came again closer to you and you almost shiver at the smell radiating from him. Why is it so addicting? What is he doing to you?

His stops right in front of you, making you look up into his glaring eyes. Even if his build was quite thin, he radiated power that made you want to curl up into a ball. “You’re taking all of this too lightly.” Hyunjin leans over you, your eyes completely captivated by his and the red hue they held.

“And you too…” You don’t want to say that you got lost in his eyes. Also you don’t know how to feel about someone like him being so concerned about your well being but you think he is just a little exaggerating. It happened to you, not him. You really should feel more scared and you think you even do but all of your fright seem to vanish when he is present. Again, is it only because you know him well enough now that you know, he won’t hurt you or is it only because there is someone showing you who the real danger is? Do you really trust him? Maybe but you do not trust these feelings you are starting to feel when you are with him. When he is away, you always think of him differently than when he is with you…you’re totally screwed.

Hyunjin looks you over, listening closely to your heart. It was steady, you were too calm for his liking. Just few hours ago, you were shaking and now you’re almost completely calm. “You are telling me that this doesn’t concern you?” He questioned you, trying to search in your eyes for answers as they were completely unmoving from his. “Well, it certainly does concern me.”

“That’s good for you.” Comes out of your mouth, wishing silently to not be having this conversation any longer. You suddenly feel embarrassed as you realize how you are acting. The sweet smell turned sorrow the more his frown deepened and also your own expression. Why are you acting like this? You’re a grown woman and you shouldn’t be acting like this. You don’t know if he truly noticed what you were doing but you wished for the ground to swallow you whole.

With a shaky inhale you turn your body to possibly go around him but he saw your move of getting away from him miles away. His arm blocked your way, hand grabbing the railing so close to yours, you again almost shivered as his other also caged you in. You can’t look at him now. You knew you would only embarrassed yourself further. Could he sense your desperation? Maybe this thing — the smell was playing with your head or made you do feel this way about him but you were certain that if you would look at him, you would lost the silent battle between you two.

“Just let me go.” You say, voice soft and quiet but he could hear you clearly as well as your pounding heart.

Your head is leveled with his upper chest but your eyes are set on his hand next you, gripping the railing so tightly, like he is holding the last bit of his sanity left in him. It is only to ignore his breath fanning over you but you just become more aware of his close presence. You could feel his cold breath moving your hair as he leans over your frozen body. “No.”

Your eyes look into his direction, stopping at his chest softly raising and falling and his alabaster skin, peaking out of his slightly unbuttoned shirt. “Let me go, Hyunjin.” You are now pleading because you really do feel like fainting from this rollercoaster of emotions, you’re now experiencing.

Your words may have meant a little more than either of you would like to admit. He looks down at you with such softness that he is only confident in when you are not fully seeing it. “How can you? How can you be so calm? Are you not scared that somebody tried to hurt you?” He says, hair around your forehead being swept away from his breath.

You finally look at him, pointedly. “It is not like it would be the the first time…”

Were you only this mean to see what he would do? See how much it would take for him to see that maybe you’re not the right person for him. Everything that happened was only because of someone else. And he in fact finally sees you, even more than you thought he would as he steps away from you with his eyes flashing with anger. Or maybe he is just seeing what you've been trying to achieve all along. Trying to throw away any responsibility as your form of self protection. Because your life gave you everyday the same things and when finally something new happens to you, you are too scared to do anything about it.

Maybe you were being too harsh with your words as you look upon him. As soon as he backed away from you, he comes even closer. Way closer. You become wide eyed from how fast, he pinned you up against the railing. “Listen to me, you will stay in your room till I say otherwise, I can’t compel you but I sure will convince you.” The stairs digged painfully into your back and not from you trying to get away from him, he is actually the one pressing you into it.

You breathe out as you can feel your chests up against each other and you flush at the feeling more as you realized there weren’t that many layers separating you. “You c-can’t…” You can’t talk properly as he is basically suffocating you.

He tilts his head a little at your words. “Can’t what?” Hyunjin repeats, tilting his head down at your level to maybe catch your eye fully. “You’re really testing my patience, love. I don’t want to be like this…I don’t want to make you fear me but you’re so…insufferable.”

Please, stop saying that. You do know how you are acting and that it is bad. No person deserves this and you do know what it feels like. You are becoming the very person you hate. “Hyunjin….I am so sorry — I am just so scared.” You’re scared of everything. Manly from these feelings bubbling inside your chest, not even the person that wants to hurt you, scares you more. You promise yourself to not feel this emotions again, it just never works out in your favor. You glance at him, eyes filled with sorrow that his own seemed to completely mimic. “I just don’t want to think about all of this. Everything is still so new and now this?” You look around, hating yourself for the burning in your eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore…what to feel anymore —”

His hand travels from the railing closer to your own, tips of his fingers touching your burning skin. You look down at his hand, lingering again so close to yours before looking up at him with big eyes. “Then let me…let me be you, I will protect you but you just have to let me in….” He says, whispering those words to you.

Your heart flutters at his words. Does he really mean it? If yes, would you even be able to give in fully? You can’t say that you don’t want to. His eyes look into yours with such softness, you wondered if those are really the same eyes you saw the first night you two met. You could see him, through those red irises you saw someone. His true self. He also could see the small girl peaking from behind the beautiful color of your eyes, a small girl who searched her whole life for a purpose and love. He wants to think he is what you have been searching for. He enjoys these moments of complete silence. Your voice is so warm and soothing but sometimes these silent moments gave more than words. Hyunjin could look at you freely. From your eyebrows to your eyes that showed him wrinkles of smiles and tears they have been through, to your nose that you sometimes like to stick somewhere you shouldn’t and then your lips. You do notice that.

You let him, as you are also letting your own eyes fall onto his own but the usual admiration you had for them vanished. From the conversation you had before you didn’t notice the small smudge of red at the corner of his mouth. You knew what it was, you knew what he was, so this should be normal, even for you but you today find yourself absolutely dispising this color. You turn your head away from him and he at the loosen his grip on the railing.

You don’t want to think about what happened, you don’t meet his lingering stare. You knew it would only give away your feelings for him, you wouldn’t be able to hide them. He steps away from you, still however keeping close to you but you could atleast breathe now. You look up at him then after few moments of just trying to calm yourself down, eyes falling immediately on the same spot as before, at his lips.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Huh?” You let out dumbly, momentarily looking at his eyes which held a teasing flicker. “–something?”

His lips curl up at one corner, exactly the one where the smear is. “Well, you will have to tell me more if you want something, angel.”

Can he stop with these nicknames already? Nobody called you that before and it made an unfamiliar feeling rise in your chest. You could feel your face burning and you knew he could tell. You frown at that, embarrassed. “Stop it” You mumbled to yourself but it was in some way mainly meant for him and you don’t immediately realize he could still hear you.

“Stop what?” He asks, confused but you knew with the look on his face that he is teasing you.

You sigh. “Nothing…” Playing along and to safe yourself from further embarrassment, you start to play with the skirt of your nightgown. “…whatever there is available.”

You starts again fidgeting in his presence but this was totally normal now it seams. You really do become aware of how much you can’t speak freely to new people, so used to the small circle you had. Oh, how you missed them but you do think that if Mia knew at least with who you’re spending your time with, she would be absolutely delighted for you. You dream about having at least enough confidence to speak without any fear of how the others would perceive you but on the other hand, you really didn’t think twice before talking. Like now.

His lips which had your full attention parted to maybe again say something teasing in his sultry voice of his but your thoughts were already flying from your mouth before he could even get a sound out. “Why is there blood on your mouth?”

There is silence after that, watching how the warmness in his eyes slightly dimmed. You’re always asking such questions — you do know why. It was just a small thought that you should have kept to yourself. He looked at you with a small pointed look, not knowing how to answer because it was so obvious. Yes, it truly was. However your mind sometimes likes to blur the fact that he really feeds from blood and blood only. Such a fairytale — perhaps nightmare he is, you still can’t wrap your head around it.

His eyes linger on yours while he swipes the blood from his lips with his thumb, his movements little too slow to not be intentional. The fact he then wraps his plump lips around the digit is definitely on purpose. Your own parted into a silent gasp, feeling your heart, hammering against your chest from his actions.

You think that maybe he was going to say something again or take a challenging step closer to you but your little moment was interrupted by a set of quick footsteps with heavy breathing. You both turn to your left to see a young woman, coming from the hallway, stopping for a second as she jumps at your appearance. Your eyes travel from her scared eyes to her clothes, giving you a clue that she is one of the maids in this home but you definitely couldn’t look away from the blood coating her hand which was pressed into her neck.

Your heart broke a little as you connected the dots, flickering your gaze to Hyunjin. The woman thankfully didn’t stay for too long as she quickly disappeared from your sight. You do still look into her direction because you can’t look at him again. Maybe you are just exaggerating but to you this is a big deal. You don’t know if feeding from someone means anything to them — him but to you it does. Piercing someone’s skin with your teeth to drink blood which was your source of pleasure…It is no one of your business if he is with other women — or is it?

You could feel your face unwillingly scrunch up into a frown, you can’t hide that you are upset and somehow disgusted by this anymore. Hyunjin stiffened, the thick silence even for him too much to bare, tilting his head to meet your eyes and maybe make you see how sorry he truly is for you to see him like this, again. However you simply turn away more from him. Somehow he understands your reaction but he is not so sure why you would take it so deeply. It is a normal thing for him. He needs to feed after all, just under these different circumstances.

He calls out to you but you ignore him, pressing your lips into a thin line to appear, somewhat not too affected. Your lack of reaction makes him feel small — thinking carefully about the right words, so as not to make you even more upset or scare you more away from him. If you’re taking this so seriously so shall he. He didn’t even think twice about such thing but he has to keep in mind that you’re still new to this. “You must understand that I have to feed.” He says, sighing at your frown that you are trying to make as little as possible. “It means nothing—“

You look up, puzzled little with yourself. One side is telling you that this is alright and nothing is wrong with it but your other side is telling you the complete opposite. He wishes to be with you but does something like this? Something so intimate? You feel your own skin tingling at the thought of his teeth piercing your own very skin. Jealousy strikes you in the back of your head, showing you exactly why you so despised this. You don’t know for sure, if you want to be the one to give him blood but you for sure don’t like anyone else doing it. Is it so normalized to bite someone into their most sensitive places and drink from them? He looks unsure of what to do next as you only look at his face with emotionless expression but like he said — your eyes always gave you away.

“If you want this to work…I want you to stop feeding — atleast like this.” Maybe you don’t mind him feeding from someone but just not there…that only should be for you only. “It maybe doesn’t mean anything to you but it does to me. I know, I shouldn’t be asking you this, how to feed but to me it feels…intimate.” And erotic, you wanted to say but even this simply word, was somehow hard enough to get out of your mouth under his watchful eyes. Hyunjin stays silent a little more and not like you, he seems to think over his words.

“Alright…” He answered you, before his face falls so quickly into a frown that you almost missed it, but it wasn’t from your disagreement with his diet. It was simply because of the way you sounded out the words. “–are you saying, you want me to feed off you only?”

You should’ve known better, of course he just asked you that as it wasn’t already so obvious from your confession. Your hand flies to your chest, pressing your palm slightly where your heart starts to beat a little faster, your eyes big and eyebrows furrowed. “I-I…don’t know.” It really is quite a unique question to be asked, but you do ignore the fact that you already know the answer.

He blinks at your weak tone, a small smile tugging at his lips. “You say that a lot, but I know, you do know, Y/N…” He said, waiting a little before continuing, maybe to see if you would say something more, but you only look at him through your pretty lashes. He sighs at your expression, before tilting his head down. “I will stop feeding in the sense of biting.” You meant that you don’t want him to bite someone in their neck, but you are pleasantly surprised by his answer, so you stay quiet. “Now, I’ll bring you something to eat, it will be waiting for you on the table outside of our room.” You shutter embarrassingly at that one specific word, coughing, to mask your shocked reaction. He didn’t make a move that indicated that he just heard your embarrassing noise of shock, but in his head he was smiling big. You thought that this conversation would still go on but you’re happy with how it ended. At least you’re not fully at each other’s throats. Huh, funny…

You are now the one with your lips left apart, words swirling in your head as he passed by you, his hand grazing so close to yours which was placed on the corner of the railing when he started to ascend down the stairs. Your nose is yet again, hit with his smell, wrapping around you like a duvet of the embrace you so needed. Watching him walk away from you, though didn’t feel like the other times and only after he disappeared from your line of sight, you walked back to yours and his bedroom.

────

It is been a long day, such a long day for you to just again drown in your thoughts. You didn’t leave the room for the rest of the day, simply spending your time on one of the couches, reading. The words however as the day slowly turned into night started to blur. From your exhaustion and also from the realization of the situation that will soon have to be dealt with. You look at the bed with a blank expression, because there couldn’t be a face for you to express with all the emotions you were experiencing.

As the sun set, you finally decided to open the heavy curtains, blocking, till now, your view of the outside. You could have opened them sooner, but you didn't want to risk him getting caught in the sunlight — however, he didn’t come. You looked out the window, till you saw the sun disappear and the moon appear. Every day that passed by was so slow to you, but by that time the nature had time to bloom into its beauty. Everything started to get greener, more vivid — was the earth always this colorful? The warm, orange light tickle your skin that you almost felt like one of those creatures as because you got so used to the darkness. But you did start to see its own beauty — Hyunjin came late that night as expected and sleep didn’t creep up on you, till he arrived. Perhaps you were concern, but you don’t want to say that…

You were already in bed, body tucked under the heavy duvet and eyes closed, but you could tell that he knew, you were awake. He just simply chose to not say anything, maybe not to disturb you in your peaceful state, but inside you were shaking. He went to the bathroom and at that you were again thinking about how you two will share the same bed…

You have never shared a bed with a man before, even like this — you haven’t even been to a man’s bedroom till now! Was it fright that made your heart beat so fast? You know, he wouldn’t do anything to you, but still….or maybe you were just nervous. And not in a bad way it seemed. Your fingers gripped onto the bed as the every passing second, he spend more in the bedroom, became even more unbearable for you.

You waited for him to come back. A long time at that and you didn’t have a single clue that his long stay in the bathroom, was simply because he was nervous too. He, spend his time simply looking at himself in the mirror, thinking about how to calm himself down. Who would have thought that he could even feel such an emotion? To him, the time that he spend inside the bathroom wasn’t long enough for him to find the right courage to come back into the room, but it was long enough for him to think back to the moment you two shared.

Drinking blood from someone, became for him a daily thing, a normal thing, like for you to drink and eat. Till you said that — was he always this blind? He never thought of drinking from someone this way, but he knew of course that for humans it was different. He did feel the pleasure, but for humans it was out of this world experience almost, but you didn’t know that…You only said that it seemed intimate and he is thankful that you don’t know the whole truth about how a vampire bite feels for a human…What were you doing to him? It is been a long time since he second guessed himself like that. He became more careful with his moves, since you arrived, but he can’t lie that he still is a little reckless sometimes and just does what his heart desires and acts on his instincts.

Time flew past quickly, yet so slowly, but you couldn’t fight the hazy state you are falling into any longer. Your eyes closed a long time ago, but now the deep frown on your face started to soften. You felt your body falling, melting almost into the sheets and your mind became so quiet and peaceful that you didn’t have the power to acknowledge the silent creek of the bathroom door.

His slow footsteps blend in with your heartbeat in your ear. The old floor creaking under his weight, was the only thing giving him away. You hear the last creak stop next to the bed, hair on the back of your neck standing up at that. You could feel his stare on the back of your head that peaked out of the soft duvet. Being so sleepy, you didn’t feel your heart pounding that much, but you do wait anxiously for his next move, eyes wide set on his silhouette dancing in the candle light on the wall.

You feel cold air of the room piercing your back as the duvet is slightly lifted off you. You realize at that you basically stole almost all of it and in some way, it made you embarrassed simply because it were his own sheets — and also your nose unconsciously kept digging into them, filling your lungs with his smell. You don’t feel much bad because you knew he didn’t need anything to cover himself with. You wanted to give him more of it, but you only found yourself completely frozen as your whole senses heightened when you feel a dip in the bed.

The bed was big, but soft enough to feel how his whole body fell into it. When the only source of light is then blown away, you became highly aware of the body laying behind you. Was he watching you? Probably, like he always did. Your heart jumped a little as he rolled his body over and you just knew that he was facing your back.

His blue eyes watched your body and other than the small rising of your body when taking a breath, you were completely unmoving. He played with the edge of the duvet, that didn’t even cover a little of him. Pulling up the duvet, was a request for you to at least give him some, but as you didn’t even move an inch, he chose to sacrifice a night without it.

Few moments passed by and again you became sleepy, snuggling into the bed and missing another subtle shift of the body behind you. You don’t even feel him, leaning his upper body over yours. You don’t even feel the cold breath on your cheeks nor the cold radiating so close behind you.

He leaned over you, left hand keeping his upper body from falling onto yours. His other twitched in the air, just hovering over the length of your waist. He for a second couldn’t help but stare at your blissful state. From your red cheeks bitten by the cold, smushing almost together from your face being so snuggled into the pillow to your eyelashes fanning over your cheekbones, to your ruffled hair, creating a halo around you, till again his eyes fell onto your lips. They were puckered slightly, flushed just as your cheeks. You looked absolutely ethereal. He must say, he has seen you sleep before, but not from this angle nor this close. It was like seeing you from a complete different perspective — view of a lover, he wished to say.

But then, your so called blissful state was interrupted when you felt it — when you felt the weight of his arm around you, tugging you into him. Your eyes shoot open, heart almost jumping out of your chest, but you don’t immediately move away. You savor the feeling of him hugging you, the feeling of his body flush against yours. But as the coldness of his skin started to seep through the layers of clothes, duvet and then piercing through the warmth into you, you move away from him.

He didn’t hold you tightly nor forcefully as you jump to the edge of the bed quite easily. “I am sorry, I can’t…” You croaked, quietly into the darkness.

His head hanged low, already hating himself more from doing that, making you uncomfortable and just doing something without your permission. His nails teared through the material of the sheets as his eyes fell onto your still not turned body. “I understand.” He whispered back. He really does, but he thought that maybe, you could at least let him touch you like this, just hold you. “I will sleep somewhere else.”

You only nod a little, eyes still looking into the darkness before you. As he got out of the bed, the coldness left with him and you realize that it truly was completely different from the one in the room. You listen closely to his footsteps, before you hear a muffled huff as he fell probably onto the couch. You feel bad for him to be the one to leave his own bed, but there probably wouldn’t be even a room for you to talk otherwise. You lay back down fully after a minute, his presence still known to you and at that sense of calmness washed over you.

His eyes reflected in the dark as he watched you again from afar. He saw how your breaths after a moment became even, body completely sinking into his bed. Closing his own eyes, the soft thuds of your heart, filled his ears. And that melody accompanied by the pictures of every moment today with you kept his mind occupied, till he felt his own need of sleep come over him. At least he has something to dream about now.

[veilmochi]

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see her. Sometimes, when I laugh, I hear her. Sometimes, just when Im sitting there doing nothing but relaxing, I can feel her there.

I used to think I hated her, that I took my hands and wrapped them around her throat. I silenced her, I did my damnest to make sure that no one would ever hear her again. I didn't bother to bury her, because I wanted who she was to rot and be forgotten, with no gravestone memory to keep her name.

But then I think of her more, and remember how innocent she was. How alone she was. She just wanted someone, anyone, to be her friend. She never had friends for long, and she always tried to do what she could to have someone like her- no one ever did. She didn't understand why.

When I first put my hands around her neck, she cried and begged. She pleaded to let her try again, shell be better this time. She'll do better. She'll be good. I let go of her throat, and left the field, where she continued to thrive.

The next time, she welcomed my hands. She was tired. She was still so young, and yet she was so tired. Her body made her feel disgusted, from all of the eyes that stared and all of those that looked away. I didn't know she was tired.

I was just angry, and tired too.

I know better now.

I go back to that field sometimes, and I find her there. Playing in the dirt, making pretend potions and dreaming about dinosaurs. I dream about them too, and I tell her about all of the things that have been learned. She loves that dinosaurs have feathers.

I never killed her, I never wanted to. We hold each other, and she loves me. I love her too. We sit next to the empty grave that was dug out, but it's not a grave anymore. It's a space to rest, to store all the things that need to be. She rests in there sometimes, but most of the time, she sleeps under the sun, with the hole uncovered but still safe.

I still struggle when I see her in the mirror, and want to shred my skin until I don't look like her anymore- but I don't know what I want my reflection to look like, so instead my insides are shredded. She helps put me back together during the night, in my dreams.

I cringe when I hear my laugh, and I stay quiet so I don't have to hear her voice. She still speaks, in her own ways, until I can find my voice again. I haven't found it yet, but I know one day I will. And she'll love me for it.

I welcome her when I feel her, because she was never welcomed. I know the pain, and I wish I could heal her's.

It's a long journey, and sometimes I don't go back to the field. She's left alone, for a long time. And we aren't the same person, not anymore. We used to be, but we both know that at some point, we changed.

She'll wait in the field for me, and I'll hold her name in my heart, cherishing the memory. I hope that she forgives me, for all the anger I used to feel towards her.

I believe she already has, and she traces my name into the dirt with a stick, innocent and hopeful, for the day I find my own feathers, and can finally be free of my scales.

[ilovehajimeshino]

i come back here when im depressed as shit lol ... me feeling the pressure from society for me to be a um. competent member of society. that i need to contribute. i need to work and not rot in my bed 24/7. i forget about this fact every so ofteen and everytime i am reminded of it i get horribly shit. im not meant to be a human im not meant for this world im not cut out for this life . i leave this depressed state for a few times often because of distractions . because of those distractions i don't need to think about my future. i don't need to think about what i will do when i grow up. i dont want a future i want to die i dont wish to go forward . what if all i want is to live a short but happy life . be free of the chains of modern society. again im not fit for this world. i dont beling here. hell im here now because im forced to. once the people that would pull me away from my eternal escape are gone i can finally leave. but waiting for that time is a gruelling process. every moment im not distracted by something im reminded of my fate. i am waiting. in my 30s maybe then im going to leave this earth . maybe then i would've found a reason to stay but i see none in sight. maybe for my bunny. but one day she will leave me too and thats when i'll enter my hell hole again. i hate it here i hate the fact that i am alive, that i was born, that i was chosen to inherit this sack of meat. i wish it was someone else. maybe someone that actually wants to live , that has ambitions an dreams and goals or whatnot, instead of me. ok so um yeha lolllll

[your-daily-dose-of-fandoms]

AAAAA IM NEW ANDNI FRICKING LOVE UR BLOG– I was like wondering if maybe you could write a Zenitsu x Fem!Reader where she acts all confident and Sassy but she's actually a coward like Zenitsu?

Hi! Thank you for your request! I hope you don't feel like I missed the point, since this took somewhat angsty turn. Hope you enjoy!

Zenitsu x Coward! Reader

Fake it till you make it

As long as you could remember, you had one motto in life: Fake it till you make it.

It had worked perfectly, so much, that you had started to believe it yourself. You had faced disgusting beings with the face of your own, committing to ending your life in a shift movement. You had climbed up ranks, fooled even yourself aside others, and made you seem brave in the eyes of everyone else. If someone were to describe you, they would say words such as “undefeatable” , “daring” and “courageous”. You had dug a deep hole into you, and buried all your faults in there, waiting for them to rot.

That was, until you met Zenitsu.

You hated him. You hated everything he represented. Because he reminded you of all the sides you had buried and hidden deep inside you. His existence was like a mocking reminder, unintentional attack to your own very being that no one knew of. He hit you like a cold rain in the fall, ripping and shaking you awake from the reality you had created for yourself, no matter how deep you dug your nails into it.

And it hurt.

It hurt seeing how everyone treated him, how they looked at him with such a resentment, talked of him behind his back. How no one, in their right minds, ever considered him as nothing but a waste of space. Like his very existence was for nothing, just because he showed the emotion that everyone else hid behind their facades like cowards. When it was about Zenitsu, everyone acted like they knew no pain or fear, never had in their lives, and that gave them the right to judge and discriminate him. They were the real cowards, you often thought, but you knew that if you were to be like him, you would receive the exact same treatment.

And it hurt that you didn’t stop them.

Something about the way he felt the need to show his emotions, with little to no shame for his actions, made you feel attacked. How you had pretended for your whole life to be someone else, putting all your efforts towards that hopeless dream, and he could just come into your life and do everything that you couldn’t. It often made you wonder if all you had done had been for nothing. If you could have spent the lonely nights, crying in your room, trembling with fear, with someone else, who could have comforted you. If everyone would treat you the same, even at your most vulnerable moments. If for a while, you could feel like a human again.

Zenitsu was the heartwrenching reminder of who you were, and you treated him like your treated yourself. Ignoring, belittlening, impatiently and with no empathy.

Because he could do something you couldn’t. He was himself.

And even when being the most vulnerable of all, he had still begun to surpass you. He had cried, mourned, and let go. He let himself to bloom into a beautiful flower. He still cried, was afraid, and showed it all, but he had turned it to his benefit. He had made his fear a weapon. And that’s how he had grown. He had grown so much that you barely could recognize him anymore. He was no longer the same, and the more he grew apart from you, the more you felt resentment towards yourself.

You couldn’t back up now, no one would understand. And you had drawn away the only person who could. Just because of how jealous you were. And you hated yourself more and more after each passing day, contemplating just running away and disappearing into nothingess, getting the treatment you deserve.

But you couldn’t bear being alone in this demon scattered world. Not anymore.

All of this was, until one faithful day, when Zenitsu came to you.

“Why do you hate me (Y/N)-Chan?”

The question had brought you to a halt during a search for a fire wood. You had been paired with Zenitsu, and your were travelling across a forest, vines covering the forest floor, making it hard to walk. Thoughts had taken you over right when you had started to walk, letting yourself to drift away from reality, distancing yourself from the paranoid boy behind you, occasionally slashing a branch away from your face.

“What?” You asked, stopping in your tracks, tempting to continue like nothing had ever been spoken aloud. You had heard him the first time, but you needed time to gain your composure back. You had dreaded for this moment. The moment when you’d have to face the boy’s sorrowful eyes that you’d been trying to avoid. The moment when you’d have to see your reflection from them. His voice held a depth of emotions, ones which you could easily recognize. You did not look behind you, but you could tell he was looking at his feet when talking. Your stomach churned.

“Why do you hate me? I know I irritate all of you, but we’ve been travelling together for a while now, and you never even talk to me unless you have to. You look at me with such a look that reminds me of my past. You frown when you see me happy, but sigh when I cry. What have I ever done to you (Y/N)-Chan? Why do you hate me so much?” Zenitsu began rambling, his voice fastening with every word. You could tell that he was holding back tears, since his voice began to crack. He ended his questions with a high-pitched note. You firmly kept your gaze in front of you, not daring to look back.

“Daring”

“Brave”

“Amazing!”

Bullshit, you had never been one of those. And you would not be now. The step to take was way too big for the feet of yours. You could not take responsibility, because you knew that you’d break down if you started talking. You never wanted any harm, but shielding yourself had ironically made you the most vulnerable. You had dug this hole for yourself for a moment of relief. You stayed silent.

“Sometimes..”, Zenitsu had now begun to sob, his voice blurring together with uneven hiccups.

“Sometimes, I think I hear you screaming in your head, at times you mention me. But on the outside you ignore me yet again... Why? Please tell me!”, Zenitsu let out his pleads, wishing for even a glance from you.  The ground was falling underneath him, but little did he know, you felt the same. How could he have been so considerate? So attentive? You thought you had been good in shielding him away, but even then, your facade never stopped cracking. But only he was able to see it. Or maybe, he was the only one who wanted to.

You were such a coward. You were not able to look him into his eyes, nor risk you breaking your heart at the sight. You hated this. You wanted it to stop. Why couldn’t you just act like nothing had ever happened? Why did he have to bring it up?! And why you couldn’t do anything about it..? All of the thoughts were running through your head violently, and you couldn’t help but search for something to distract you from the conversation Zenitsu was in the need of. Your legs were trembling, but even the thought of facing a demon was better than this. You had at least slayed demons before.

“(Y/N)-Chan.. Please talk to me!!”

You felt him tug your hand, and wrap his arms around your waist in a pleading manner, wanting to have something to hold on to. His grab was desperate, and he was struggling with wiping all the tears and snot away, as he tried to talk. How could he be so affectionate? You’ve been nothing but headache for him. But something in his touch told you that he understood. Even now, when you hadn’t uttered a word, too afraid to, he was ready to forget and forgive, wanting acceptance and affection instead.

Your legs gave up on you, and you both slowly descended on the ground.

“Why do you hate me? Why do you hate me??!”, Zenitsu was wiggling in your arms, and you let him be, letting him finish his tantrum, thankful for the time you had been granted to gather your thoughts. The more time passed, the guiltier you felt. How could you possibly tell him all the pent up emotions that you’d been battling with. How could you make him realize, that it was not him that you hated, it was yourself? Before you had realized, he had calmed down in your arms, taking advantage of the situation and staying in the position, waiting for you to talk.

“Zenitsu..”, You started, and he raised his head a bit, not daring to look at you just yet. You found yourself smiling a little, feeling your heart ache for his worry. You knew how he felt. Atfer gathering all of the courage to confront you, he was afraid of the outcome.

“It is not you who I hate. It is me. I hate how you’re able to so freely and carelessly show you’re afraid, while I’m stuck inside my head, searching for an escape”, You continued, and Zenitsu lift up his head fully to look at you. Finally, you had gathered up enough courage to face him, and your heart skipped. He didn’t seem angry nor sad, instead his eyes were filled with understandament. You felt tears of relief prickle in the corners of your eyes.

“But if it’s okay with you, I would like to try to accept myself through you”, You came to the realization as you said it, and in that moment, everything seemed to clear. If you were to feel acceptance towards him, if you grew to like him, maybe you could began to accept yourself as well. Zenitsu looked at you, blinking his eyes as the realization came upon him. For a moment it was silent. Then, he tackled you into a hug.

“Awww!!! (Y/N)-Chan~!! I love you too!! That’s so sweet of you!! Let’s get married!” He chimed, nuzzling his face into your neck and wiggling on top of you. You froze for a minute, but then let out a hearty laugh, wrapping your arms around him. This caused his face to explode in a fiery red, as he kept on wiggling happily.

“Oi!! Monitsu!! What are you doing?!? We need that goddamn wood, and you’re here fighting with (Y/N)?!? Get off from top of her!!”

But Zenitsu didn’t listen. A huge burden had been taken from his shoulders, and he felt relieved. He would not be letting go in a while.

[fruggin-bitch]

random hilarious tubbo quotes

this is all from tubbo’s best of 2020 (link here)

this gonna be long probs so imma do a cut :) enjoy

also i might include some longer bits for a bit of context :)

Tubbo: I am so high right now, I am up so high right now.

Wilbur:*slams desk* AHH my favorite tubbo quote ever!

Phil: Tubbo moment *WIlbur dying in the background*

Tubbo: *confused* wait what??

~~~

Tubbo: The containment pit for containing shit

~~~

Tubbo: *holding a string* That was on my floor, I literally just shat myself

Tubbo: I need new trousers.

~~~

Wilbur: I’m good, I've just been cooking steak!

Tubbo: Ive been cooking this FUCKING VILLAGE!

~~~

Wilbur: Am I gonna get cancelled if i steal the color yellow this time?

Tubbo: You can have the color yellow cause i now have an alter ego.

Wilbur: What’s your alter ego?

Tubbo: I call it poo, and i go brown.

Wilbur:

Wilbur: Your alter ego is to be literal shit?

Tubbo: Literal shit, feces, on the floor, hot and steamin’.

Wilbur:... Tubbo do you want to be yellow?

Tubbo: I think i’ll be yellow yeah

~~~

Sapnap: Plasma membrane?

Tubbo: Plasma? That says phantom.

Sapnap:

Tubbo: You just got corrected by a Dyslexic person

~~~

Tubbo: Tommy watch dream’s body in game, watch his body right now

*anvil drops on dream*

Tubbo: Squish

~~~

Mediashare: NaeNae ‘fore you get a whoopin’

Tubbo: Wh- What- Was that ranboo? Give me a sec there's something i need to do. There’s something i need to do of urgent importance

Tubbo: *Blocks ranboo on twitter*

~~~

Anyone: Tubbo dis you do keys?

Tubbo: STOP ASKING ME THAT

~~~

*Anyting happens in FNAF*

Tubbo: *Spams the keyboard and accidentally quits the game*

~~~

Tommy: Tubbooooo

Tubbo: Tommyyyyy

Tommy: TUBBOOOOOO

Tubbo: TOMMYYYYYYY

~~~

Tubbo: I’m just spamming shift cause my pinky finger’s excited

~~~

Ela: i need this i’m a lemon, Tubbo!

Tubbo: You’re eleven?

Ela: I’m a lemon!

Tubbo: years old?

~~~

Tubbo: Brilliant! What do we do with the rest of the cocain- I mean NOT cocaine

~~~

Tubbo: *agressively shifting* WE DIDNT START THE FIRE IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE WORLDS BEEN TURNING

~~~

Tubbo: What can you do with 5% battery? I’m like ‘i know’ and I call my nan, and we spoke about canbabalism.

~~~

Tubbo: -he makes you- AHHHH *falls down hole*

Tubbo: we’re off to a really good *Falls done another hole and dies*

Tubbo:.... We’re off to a really good start

~~~

Tubbo: -And he’s like *smacks head* I’ve left them at home!

Tubbo: and i just *smacks table* i’m fuming. I’m mad.

Tubbo: Honestly- Cannibalism’s looking pretty good right now

~~~

Tubbo: ART SO MUCH ART, ART IS DEAD

Tommy and Tecno: *confused af*

Tubbo: THE AGE OLD CLASSICS ROT AWAY IN THE ARCHIVES

Tommy: What the fuck??

Tubbo: THE AGE OLD CLASSICS ARE ROTTING AWAY IN THE ARCHIVES ONLY TO BE LOOKD AT BY THE EYES OF ROMAN MEN! THE ROMAN MEN

~~~

Tommy: that’s when we give you negative feedback

Tubbo: negative re in force meant AND THATS THE ARCHIVES OF THE ROMANS

~~~

Tubbo: -because they're on oppisite sides of the room, and i get confused like that a lot recently. So i walked in there, with my dirty laundry in the toilet and goes to piss in the landry basket, realizes what ive done- im like oh, wait a second

tubbo: i'm just not with it today

some dude: How can someone be that stupid?

Tubbo: OI you didn't know where AFRICA was!

~~~

tubbo talking to chat: Are you coing to build a house with tommy? If he would like to

tubbo: I'm gonna build some kind of satanic ritual pit

~~~

tubbo to tommy: God, you're so confident

tommy: Thank you, tubbo. Do you aspire to be more like me?

Tubbo: I do.

Tubbo: Actually thats a COMPLETE lie GOD

~~~

Ninja: Yo, who am i talkin to here, man

Tubbo: ~The lord~

Ninja: The lord?

Tubbo: THE LORD

Tommy:*laughing* What?

Tubbo: Would you- would you like to join?

Tommy: Stand back, Ninja

Tubbo: I,,,, PRAISE THE LORD

~~~

*Tubbo's minecraft glitches and he's sitting on techno's shoulders while techno is bouncing looking at the sky*

tubbo: technoblade this is innapropriate i'm 16

~~~

Tommy: *asking what fetish means*

tubbo and fundy: We're not going to explain that on stream

Tommy: Well untel then, i'm just going to have to assume it means food.

~~~

Tommy: Why dont we calm down with a hot bowl of fetish

tubbo: you are disgusting

~~~

Tubbo: TEchNOblAdE!! PROBLEM THERE NO IS NOT

~~~

Tubbo: *holding up a mousepad with him on it* i am not an egomaniac

~~~

Tommy: *trapped under the pistons*

Tubbo: wait i have an idea! *places water on tommy* now he can’t breathe

~~~

That’s it for this, but you should definitely go watch it because the quotes are amazing enough by themselves but the facial expressions make it 1000x better

[the-phantom-ender]

SLAMS MY HANDS ON THE TABLE

DREAM SMP TMA AU WHEN?

RIGHT NOW. IM DOING IT RN. A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS PAIRED UP WITH ENTITIES. 

The Buried 

The fear of being suffocated, being trapped in small spaces, being buried alive. manifests as caves, dirt, being underground. 

Skeppy - Most of my justification for this is heheh funny diamond block, but a common manifestation for the buried is being tight on money. Which I think fits Skeppy. I dunno.

The Corruption 

The fear of corruption, filth, disease. Being uncleanly. Often manifests as rot, bugs, or infection. 

Bad - This is very much for the crimson arc. Also because a manifestation of the corruption is unhealthy relationships and, while im not calling Bad and Skeppy unhealthy by any means, it’s certainly fitting with the Red Skeppy stuff.

Puffy - For much the same reason as Bad, as well as her initial goal in the server being to patch up all of the creeper holes and generally ‘clean the place up’.

The Dark 

The fear of the dark, of what’s unseen. Often manifests as shadows, darkness, and cold water.

George - My justification for George and the dark is very much that it’s what isn’t seen. Out of sight and out of mind. As someone who’s known to not be involved with many conflicts, I feel its fitting.

The Desolation

The fear of pain, loss, destruction, burning. Often manifests as fire, wax, heat, and destruction of potential. 

Sapnap - I feel like this one is kinda self explanatory? Local arsonist is afraid of losing a grip on things and literally and metaphorically burns all of his bridges. 

Wilbur - Wilbur falls much more into the destruction of potential side of the desolation, while still playing into that fire motif. He lost everything and decides to ruin himself before anyone else has the chance to ruin him more.

The End

The fear of death itself, the unstoppable. Often manifests as bones, the dead, dreams.

Callahan - The silent wildcard fits the end fairly well. Often times no one really knows where he is or what he’s up to? But when he’s there, he’s there.

The Eye

The fear of being watched, followed, having secrets exposed. Also: the need to know and understand. Often manifests as eyes, security cameras, books, and libraries. 

Ranboo - He’s constantly stuck in the middle, watching all sides unfold. Having no say in what’s happening but wishing he did. Writing everything down in a book. Need I go on?

The Flesh

The fear of animals bred for meat, the realization that humans are just meat and bone. Often manifests as meat, blood, bones, butchers.

Tubbo - The flesh is really hard to pin on a human. Honestly a lot of my reasoning here is for the butcher army thing. Also Tubbo is very much an animal lover. 

The Hunt

The fear of being hunted or chased, being prey. Often manifests as predators, animalistic traits, animal instincts. 

Tommy - The hunt is also really hard to pin on a human! Aggression is a very common trait with the hunt. Someone who feels trapped and lashes out at those around them. 

Quackity - I point directly at the Techno chase scene. That is the most primal reaction to being chased possible. Also the fact that he changes appearance/skin frequently playing into animalistic features. 

The Lonely

The fear of isolation, being disconnected from society as a whole, being cut off. Often manifests as fog, large rooms, faceless crowds, silence.

Techno - It’s the aggression as an intentional way to isolate himself. It’s the pushing himself as far away from people as possible. 

Tommy - In the most literal way possible: he was exiled from his people. He talked extensively about feeling alone and how that loneliness overwhelmed him. 

Eret - Has been called names along the lines of ‘The Lonely King’. When a characters arc is being outcasted from all around them, not being able to make amends no matter how they try, it’s very easy to put them into the lonely. 

The Slaughter 

The fear of unmotivated violence, sudden pain. Often manifests as war or murder, those driven ‘Mad with Slaughter’, soldiers. 

Wilbur - Sudden pain and unmotivated violence works well for someone driven mad by war and their nation.

Techno - Blood for the blood god! Need I go on? On a serious note, a lot of Techno’s character leans on a craving for blood and violence. 

The Spiral 

The fear of madness, the world as you know it being wrong, your mind playing tricks on you. The fear of lying or being deceived. Often manifests as spiral patterns, repetition, hallucinations, and illusions. 

Ghostbur - The man who remembers nothing but the good, a ghost of the past. A constant thing of not knowing, not remembering, being unsure of everything. People always smiling is a trope for the spiral, as well, and Ghostbur is always happy.  

Schlatt - Disillusioned in his way of thinking. Schlatt was always a character that was very good at lying his way to victory and saying exactly what he needed to say to cause chaos. 

The Stranger 

The fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar. The sense that something isn’t right. Often manifests as mannequins, wax figures, masks, and taxidermy. 

Karl - Losing track of how you act or feeling as if you have no purpose is very much a stranger thing. Karl’s background character thing plays into the idea of this super well. Things being replaced is super common with the stranger.

Quackity - Specifically possession arc Quackity. Things not being quite right, just a little off. Someone looking or acting just a little different than how you remember them.

The Vast 

The fear of falling, heights, large open spaces. The fear of human insignificance, meaningless. Often manifests as void spaces, falling, infinity. 

Phil - Phil is often called a god. His major motifs are flying and surviving for long periods of time. As the End is closed in the smp, a winged being being bound to the ground or falling from grace is fitting for the vast.

The Web

The fear of being controlled or trapped, doing things against your will, being controlled without realizing. Often manifests as spiders, spider webs, puppets.

Dream - This is Dream’s entire thing. He’s the god of a world and bends everyone to his will, but also feels entirely out of control when someone get the leg up on him and struggles to regain that control.

Tommy - haha being controlled or manipulated, I’ll stop bullying Tommy. 

and just for fun:

The Extinction 

The fear of catastrophic change, destruction of nature, destruction of humanity. Often manifests as technology like computers, code, and radio. Not much is known about this entity. 

Sam - Pandoras Vault. Also the fact that he’s good with building and redstone both, but especially redstone in the case of technology. Technically there are no Avatars of The Extinction because it technically doesn’t exist, but it’s fun to imagine. 

THANK YOU THIS HAS BEEN PHANTOM MIXING HIS HYPERFIXATIONS. 

[urmomification]

WOOO POG DREAM SMP AU

theres 1.8k words and 9,393 characters of a schlatt au below the cut LMAO

[i was rambling to my friend and this is what came out of it! send me an abt it if u have questions i would love to talk abt it more pls]

(slight body horror/gore tw!!)

slams fists on table rattling any dishes on the table au where schlatt doesnt die of a heartattack and tubbo locks him up to rot basically and his horns grow into his eyes effectively blinding him and chained his hands together and basically a leash on him to keep him from moving around in his cell so he cant do anything to break the horns off before they get too long and one day when technos breaking into lmanberg he gets chased into the prison and loses them in the halls before coming across schlatts cell and schlatts calling out like 'whos there i can hear ur foot steps whos there please someone whos there' etc yk and technos speechless they thought they executed him to keep him from causing any more problems in the country but this is this is just much worse than anything he even thought theyd do and hes standing in front of schlatts cell just looking at him as if hes imagining it he knew lmanberg was bad but holy fuck they just let this man rot in a cell to the point of his own horns blinding him and giving him no aid or way to ease the pain so he makes himself known and schlatt 'ive never been so happy to see, well, hear an anarchist in my life, its good to see- hear you technoblade' and chuckles and blood runs down his face like tears would, few drops landing on his clothes before techno starts trying to get into the cell to take him out of there he cant leave him here sure he was an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but he had standards and now that schlatt wasnt in power he had nothing against him really considering he isnt a citizen of lmanberg so he manages to pick the locks enough to get him out of there, schlatts arm slung over technos shoulder they stumble out of the prison building and as they slowly make their way to the nether portal to get back to technos base, they run into tubbo and quackity, schlatts old right hand men and they try to stop techno bc hes well an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but the glare techno gives them levels them and theyre left staring at each other for a moment when schlatt 'whyre we stopped whos there tech' and techno mumbles 'tubbo and quackity schlatt' and schlatt just furrows his brows as far as he can without sending excruciating pain into his eye sockets before he purses his lips and asks 'are they going to try and stop us?' techno looks back at the other two 'no they wont, isnt that right boys?' tubbo and quackity slink away allowing techno and schlatt to the portal and them going thru, schlatt still silent as he tries not to trip over technos cape or off the ledge of the bridge passing over the lava lakes, they make it to the portal and begin the walk across the arctic tundra to technos house, philza isnt there right now so its just the two of them and techno leads him up the ladder to his room (its not really a room i think its just a bed, a bell and an enchantment table) and sits him down on his bed mumbling something abt being right back and he is with some medical supplies and a change of clothes to clean everything up, they dont talk techno works in silence and when schlatt winces he mumbles a small apology before continuing eventually techno got schlatt as cleaned up as you can get someone w horns in their eyes and a sweater to keep him warm and finally starts asking questions 'how long had u been in there' 'lost count' 'did they bring you food' 'a chests worth at the beginning of the month' techno sighs 'i thought they executed you' 'tubbo chickened out despite me being 'an active threat to our peace in lmanberg' and locked me up a few days after u set the withers loose and dropped off a chest of food once a month and most of them refused to talk to me others couldnt even make eye contact with me, other than the few instances where they said things like 'heres ur food' or 'u deserve this' or 'i cant believe tubbo let u live' i talked to no one other than myself for however long i was in there' techno stands and walks around for a moment before flipping some pages and schlatt can hear him gasp quietly in mild surprise 'what is it tech' looking in the direction he heard techno from and techno says, turning to face schlatt on his bed 'schlatt that was almost 3 months ago' a single beat of silence rings for what feels like forever 'oh. i, i didnt think itd been that long. though it would explain my current predicament' loosely gesturing towards his face 'oh right abt that i have a few questions if ur ready to answer some' schlatt hums and techno grabs a pen and paper and sits next to him in case he needs to take any notes for future reference 'how fast do ur horns normally grow' 'idk just a steady amount my whole life pretty much' 'will they ever stop growing' 'they generally stop growing around 30 and continue to grow more in width than length' 'did anyone who brought u food notice' 'they grow quickly and by the time the person w the third chest came around they were getting close to my eyes but they didnt listen to me, no one did' he sighs looking down at would be his hands 'the odds of both of my horns growing into my eyes and blinding me like this are so low but of course it would happen to me' a chuckle void of any amusement 'because losing my country and my people and my power wasnt enough already' techno stands up 'you had that coming' schlatt actually laughs this time, short and curt 'ok fair, u were the one that took me down afterall' and from then on schlatt lives w techno and phil and eventually tommy and then without tommy (tommy was Not happy when he found out that schlatt was living with techno but he needed somewhere to stay too and techno happens to live in an arctic tundra where only a handful of people know how to get to so he didnt complain too much) and eventually techno saws off schlatts horns at the bend adn removes them from his eyes bc if they kept growing into his head theyd hit his brain and kill him on top of blinding  him and techno gags and almost throws up despite not being sensitive to gore  and gives schlatt a bandanna to cover the holes in his head for everyones sake and once they heal somewhat he can find something else out and thats how they live, schlatt helps with what he can like farming w phil but mostly spends his time learning braille or something so he can read and techno gets him books in braille so he isnt bored or alone like he was in the prison and he feeds him and takes care of him and schlatt is funny and entertaining despite being blinded by something from his own body and the torture it was like to rot in a cell alone for almost a 1/4 of a year and nights when techno gets home late and hes shaken and the voices are bad schlatt will sit behind him and play with his hair and talk abt his own day and rub technos back and in return when schlatt relapses and gets violent and angry techno will wash his hair and read him stories until he calms down and hopefully asleep and no one told him the news that wilbur died so when ghostbur shows up and starts talking to him he treats him the same as he would wilbur bc he cant see that hes a ghost all thats different is his speech pattern and overall personality and one day he says 'ur different wilbur what happened to that, i dunno spark u used to have' and wilbur simply 'im not sure if im being honest a lot abt me has changed since i died, or so im told i dont remember much from when i was alive' and schlatt just 0_0 and then hes scrambling down the ladder and stumbling around the house looking for techno, finding him in the basement working on something and when he gets there hes out of breath and his hands are shaking bc holy shit wilburs not only dead but a ghost and he was just talking to me and he doesnt remember what i did and and and and techno is shocked to see schlatt in the basement and asks whats up and schlatt just 'wilbur died wilbur fucking died tech why didnt anyone tell him and now hes a ghost hes a fucking ghost who lives in ur house and doesnt remember anything he doesnt remember that he blew up lmanberg does he he remembers my name but not anything that i did what hes a fucking ghost techno hes a ghost holy fuck' and technos just standing there like ??? no one no one told him 'yea philza had to kill him after he blew up lmanberg i thought u knew thats why i didnt say anything' oh. 'phil, phil had to kill him?' 'yea its a touchy subject, dont bring it up' and simply goes back to what he was working on so schlatt sits on the ground by the ladder and listens to him work his brain going a mile a minute trying to comprehend whats going on 'would i have become a ghost if theyd chosen to execute me?' 'its hard to say im unsure if theres specific circumstances that contribuite to someone becoming a ghost but theres really no telling' and goes back to working yet again and from then on they fall into an easy schedule of techno going out and doing whatever an anarchist terrorist w a murder record does on ur average wednesday and schlatt stays home reading and organizing whatever he can based on size and feeling and sleeping in windowsills and schlatt greeting techno comes home beaten up and full of new resources and a side of bruises and cuts so he tends to them, getting better at maneuvering and functioning without needing to see then techno making dinner and then curling up by the fire for the night enjoying each others company as they talk abt their days :]

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[sherifdoobiesblog]

I wanna share smth here since a while

‏There are snow covered mountains inside my mind dwindling as the paradigm of my soul shifts i ache in the closet of my body locked inside, looking for the eyes that match mine yet whenever i find a place to disintegrate It eats me up like lava from a dormant volcano this doesn't make sense these sentences composed like rotting vineyard.

‏Yet I sip them as a medicine because that's what bitter is supposed to represent, isn’t it ? healing that never starts yet somehow they see me getting better but have I really healed ? in the middle of sorrows i start a bonfire of fermented dreams smelling like fruits with black scars where live the worms of desires, crawling as if it is their only home, the bricks of this wall inside my mind have soaked enough tears to make this home seem like a cradle of a toddler who never sleeps, a lullaby that never reaches his ears and bloodshot eyes that demand for mercy, a deathless sleep... this is not a poetry but a confession hurled at the gods of lies who hunt down truth like crushing an ant between the hem of the fingers this is ugly, my fight flawed almost human like. Yet there is divinity in these verses that chant my sins like psalms

‏An embodiment of mistakes, my body twists and turns in the search of peace. Yet all it gains is painless pain piercing my numb skin like needles im turning into stone my atrophied muscles of happiness have forgotten to smile but here i stand in front of the camera looking straight at you, the listeners of my misfortune and try to show my dimpled cheek.

‏A crater hiding all the sadness falling from the skies of my inner world like rains, I dont dance this time I hide I hide I hide beneath the leaves of an autumn stricken tree what a disease a season must be! what a cure spring must bring!

‏a medusa, sprinkles snakes of my crawling sadness like fairy dust every where I go

‏a midas, turn moments into gold, forever frozen and expensive for a poor farmer of desires like me, it all run in cycles and I with my heaving chest , pant exhaling out nights, dusks and sunsets everything ending.

‏A yawn of finality in the last moments.

‏Tell Me, you great listener ‘ how do I kill the Judas in my heart ? ‘

‏A debauchery of unbalanced promises and a virgin future waiting for me like a first touch.

‏Tell me, ‘ why do i seek this pain a masochism by harmed self ? ‘ im not a poet if this is what you mean, when you say how I must go through the dark to reach the end of tunnel because truth be told I am the corrupt constructor leaving clues of minute holes all over, so when someone suffocate, they find life within the dark.

‏People have acclamatised to the dark like a moth who no longer needs light to survive, the night lamps on empty lanes are deserted now and tunnels, have homes with gardens and drying clothes, kids playing in the backyard and people falling in love under the moon made of fireflies there are stars that shine not lighted up by the sun and when a firefly dies wishes come true and yet towards the rear of this tunnel is a tyndall of light luring the loyals.

‏What a disease light must be for the lovers of dark.

‏What a cure this journey must bring that never starts.

‏Tell Me, you scholar of happiness ‘ where do the sad people go after they die ? ‘ I’ll answer .. their ashes flying in the skies inhaled by you settle in your lungs and grow into fireflies this is to say that maybe crematorium is not as sad as the real world maybe setting sun is rising moon maybe the gates of tunnel are the beginning of a world which thrive on the storms of past and waves of uncertain future maybe when you tell me to heal I might die maybe when you want me to cross the tunnel i might just stay inside look at the absence of sun and smile maybe when you and i blink our worlds collide in those few moments of darkness

reminding us how we are the children of the dark fathered by a widower light...

[jellypackedart]

HidaKona Month 2019 - Remembering You - Phantom Pains

HOOO BOY im tired this took too long and im late BUT i did have a lot of fun writing something for the purpose of publishing it! I originally wanted to draw this out but i dont know comic layout right now.

This is my entry for the first prompt of @hidakonamonth and im so glad it pushed me to start establishing my reincarnation/high school akatsuki au!! I felt like i had to start with hidan for this type of story since exploring his character is gonna challenge me and the prompts really helped in planning the story!

Phantom pains didn't seem like the accurate term. Organs, tissue and cells all strewn about the makeshift grave. He'll scream like always, but the words get muffled by the sound of blood gushing around him. Painfully too aware of his nervous and respiratory system making a shoddy attempt at reviving whatever carved out piece of flesh it belonged to, he’ll fully experience the pain in every severed limb assorted above and below him. It’s intense enough to identify what was detached completely and which limbs were desperately hanging onto each other by threads of tendon. The harsh sting of each laceration coupled with the smell of seared flesh is always unbearable.

But this dream was different. 

Normally, his vision would be blocked by pounds of dirt branches, and stone. The pressure amounted over top and even stifled his face from scrunching in agony, the bitter taste of soil settling in his mouth because he never learned to keep it shut. It was always the worst type of deep sleep. The kind where his mind is fully alert but his body had no chance of fighting. Darkness would cradle his body while shockwaves ran through him.

The faintest glow of a lavender light demanded his attention this time. It contrasted greatly with the void that enveloped his makeshift grave. The pressure that had been straining against him backed off, layers and layers were stripped away and allowed the little light to grow stronger. Whatever it was that dug him out from his grave was not doing so with any degree of desperation. But he was caught off-guard by the disruption of the fixed routine of his dream. Once he could feel the open air gracing her touch along his face, he started to spit out the remaining dirt in his mouth and took a large gasp of air, exiting through the gash of his neck. Iridescent eyes tried to blink away the gritty soil irritating his eyes then opens them once more to look up at his savior.

She was there for a second, too high in the sky to see her full figure other than the wings flapping softly, a black and red cloak being the only thing he recognized. As if that second was already spoiling him, the next time he blinked, magenta eyes frantically looked around at the enveloping darkness. Was he in his grave again?

No. Hidan relaxed into the worn, spring-mattress and allowed his eyes to get used to the light spilling over from the streets and into his studio apartment. He was here again. The same aches that followed after his reoccurring dream lingered, intensifying at the joints where he was previously cut up. No, phantom pains couldn't describe it well enough. His limbs were here, and fully attached just like they always were. But his whole being throbbed, dealing with the trauma of what once must have been his body long since rotted. Hidan grumbled to himself. He hated that dream. It made him confused that the remnants of a past life never stayed buried in silence, it always screamed at him and refused to die. Because that was always the extent to his dream. No indication of who and where he was, not even why he was in that hole or why he couldn't just stay dead.

He usually brushed it off once the pounding against his body settles into waves of dull pain. What was different was the lingering image of those wings and that robe. And the light. Hidan blinked, the feeling of hot tears that stained his cheeks now evident. Those were new, too.

Hidan rolled over to get up from his bed. He didn't have to check his phone to see that it was the middle of the night. The dream was relatively short, and since it always ended around the time that the veil between worlds was weakened, he figured it was the best time to go and find a sacrifice. It was long ago that he decided that if those dreams served any purpose, it was reminding him of his mortality. When he was mortal, at least. The periods between those dreams were long and often indicated to him that he hadn't had the opportunity to fulfill his mandated exchange of a life for Life.

The ending of this dream lingered on his mind as he pushed up his maroon denim jeans and adjusted his belt. He can admit that he didn't have much going for him in terms of intelligence but even he could tell the break in the pattern could not be reflective of his requirements to his God. The silver pendant shined despite the lack of light entering the room, it was cool against his exposed chest. Hidan shuddered at the touch and turned his head towards the window to watch the gentle mist hovering over the city streets. He opted to wear a jacket, at least.

Leaving through the fire escape was easier than locking his room, walking down 2 flights because the elevator stopped working at floor 4, getting into the working elevator normally not lacking in the assorted bodily fluids, and weaving through bodies fraternizing either through shared decomposition or lowered inhibitions. The steel rungs of the ladders practically sounded off that the natural born killer was on his way, but the cacophony was lost in the dissonant white noise of the city. Old sneakers landed on the pavement of the alleyway adjacent the apartment complex, dull waves of pain caught Hidan's attention when he popped back up and started strolling around the block.

Hidan felt that picking off the barely conscious vagrants littered about the streets was too easy. He would call it mercy, as the Reaper patrolled the area and often fought bigger foes to them such as police, thieves, and even other killers and disposed of them because the bigger a spectacle he put on meant higher praise from his God.

He tilted his head at the sight of a girl on the corner. She wasn't a regular, maybe a rookie trying to claim her turf? The streetwalkers he did know and ran into were already converted, some that taught him the ropes and others persuaded by him. They had clear identifiers that proved they were off limits. This girl was about their age, probably a few years above him. Her form, although slightly clouded by the mist, demanded nothing more obscene than appreciation. She leaned on her left leg, hands shoved into the pockets of a black bomber jacket that fit too big on her, evident by the zipper reaching past her denim shorts. No silver pendant adorning her chest, no patches sewn about her jacket, and no tattoos littered across her skin, nothing that could indicate she was safe.

Conversion or sacrifice. Hidan would give her that choice.

As he took a step towards her, amber eyes snapped back and watched him. She straightened her stance and crossed her arms. This mist was growing too thick for him to catch the slight hesitation of her deciding against meeting him halfway. Her eyes flickered past choppy layers of blue hair to look behind her, not scared but rather affirming herself of what was behind her.

Hidan reached the girl, just a small gap in height between the two as the result of her heeled boots. Placing his hands at his sides to puff out his chest, he cracked a smirk. “Eh, what's a babe like you doing out here so late?” He leaned in closer to examine her face. The only disruption in her statuesque build was her quickly glancing up and down at him.

“I'm looking for a friend.” She said, voice low and steady.

“Ah,” Hidan leaned back then rolled his neck over to the side. “I know someone that could be your friend. You ever heard of the way of Jashin?”

Amber eyes narrowed at him as she examined him further for something in his iridescent eyes. Something was up. “Way of Jashin.” It wasn't really a question. The words rolled off her pierced tongue in revelation as if they were the last clue to mystery bothering her. The mist began to clear and allowed Hidan to look at her face. Her eyeliner was smudged like she hadn't taken it off to sleep and an array of blues and lilacs were painted onto her eyelids. Her lips were stained with the remnants of some black lipstick while an opalescent septum ring managed to avoid the pigment.

Hidan stepped backward, a sudden ache in his heart pulsing as he looked at her, the mirage of a ghost he must have known long ago. She was familiar, but not quite right, not formed correctly in a way that he could trace the reason for his pain. Why does she hurt?

Amber eyes softened at his confusion as her lips broke in a smile. She took her hands out of her pockets, and extended a hand out, beckoning him to shake. “There's a clubhouse nearby,” Her head tilted to point in the direction behind her. “Come tell me about it there.”

Hidan cocked a grey eyebrow, carefully examining her but satisfied easily with the fact that she was willing to listen to him, wanted to, rather. Magenta eyes dropped to her hand, nails painted to match her eyes. Hidan shrugged and took her hand into his own. Her touch was soft, cautious but welcoming. “What about your friend?” He asked after releasing her.

“I found him.”

[boilingheart]

every single day i have to hear so much yelling and bullshit and right now my head hurts so much having to wake up and hear the same string and patterns and words she yells every morning "stupid ass piece of shit loser f*gg*t" at the top of her lungs every single say to the point that i hear it in my DREAMS. this literal string of words on repeat all the time these exact words

i cant sleep. I cant rest. my jaw and teeth are always hurting from grinding them. I cant draw, i cant write, i cant think, i cant focus on ANYTHING and i can't get a goddamn job to get out of here bc 1) I CAN'T REST AND FOCUS ON ANYTHING 2) no one will HIRE me 3) i live in the middle of nowhere and have no credentials, no money to travel and nothing will accept me. parents just getting frustrated that i cant get hired as if im not frustrated enough

I keep trying to just bear it for the most part, just trucking through it and trying not to say shit and just play some games and try not to vent on the goddamn public internet but im falling apart on my fucking self and my entire head hurts. i am drained and i never have a chance to rest and regain my energy, ive been drained ever since we got fucking evicted and robbed, things havent gotten better since it's just getting WORSE AND WORSE. my entire front yard is filled entirely with weeds and doors have been torn down and there are holes all over the walls and i cant leave the house to go out anywhere to escape this without having to pay $20 on an uber to leave somewhere comfortable. im so tired im so goddamn tired i cant rest and i cant even play my game comfortably bc my "friends" fucking backstabbed me and i still have to deal with the wounds from that drama from a fucjing terf stalking my blog and my ex ship partner slandering my fucking name in her guild run by a fucking terf who tried to fuck over my sibling's paypal when im just trying to fucking have a HAPPY HOBBY in this BULLSHIT I HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH

my whole body hurts and i feel like my health has been declining in this bullshit. im tired and im spending my morni ng sobbing because there's nothing else i can do. im trying so hard to just start my career and be an artist and just go to school but i fucking hate this life and i feel like im just going to ROT here. not even just die here i feel like ill just deteriorate until im a husk of a person staring blankly at the wall waiting for the day to be over. Im so tired im so angry im so fucking sad and its only a matter of time until i break and go beserk and break shit the way they've been breaking shit. i shouldnt be saying so much of this online but im suffering and idk where to go, i have no place to go, i just feel like someone needs to know

[unicorns-and-blunts-blog]

Who am i? Most days it feels like im just an alien smoking a cigarette. Art is the only salvation from the horror of existence we have so why does this cruel world smolder in the boredom of black and white? We are all the creators of our own catastrophe, so why did it burn so badly as I watched it all fall apart? I am a liar. I hate to admit it. I am not the same person I have always been. The older I grow the bigger the hole in my chest grows. Its broken me thousands of times. I cant tell if im pulling myself back together or just slowly drifting further apart. Pain has always been a good friend of mine. Even on my best days she finds a way to slowly set her roots back into my heart. And then the sadness lasts for days and days only ending after I reach my hand in through my chest and grab the weed by the roots. They always asked me why I hurt myself. Why I ripped myself apart so horridly. They looked down on me with calloused eyes and judgmental frowns as I hid myself in the darkest corner avoiding the hate they reined on my ravaged skin. I hated them. But I envied them. They where lucky. They had never been so desperate to feel that they felt the need to tare apart their skin. As the emptiness grew the horror of thinking started to rot my brain. I couldn’t handle the stench after a while. So I started self medicating the depression and the pain and the loneliness away. Hit after hit after hit until I couldn’t move and my brain was content with knowing its ok not to think. It was just like a dream. Floating in a hideous world made beautiful by the feeling of the wind on my skin with just one simple thing. Just one more hit and that should be enough to make it through the day. But why does it matter? A weed is only a flower in the end. Am I really alive? Ive been in love. Such a hideous thing to ever fall into. Ive learned never to depend on anyone to much in this world. Even your loyal shadow leaves you when it grows dark. He dosent know how many times I wish I could hold him. Neither would he care. But I still go crawling back in hopes things will be different in a new go round. He thinks hes the only one, but everyone has scars. We just don’t all choose to wear them on the outside. And every night I lay awake and wonder if he will remember, cause I know I wont ever forget. I am no ones friend. I am just someone who remembers how to feel. Im not afraid to die. Just a little scared of what comes after. If I knew what lay beyond id probably be their by now. But something about the thought of living where nothing lives at all terrifies me. Im really hoping no one finds me here. What you must understand is that I am a deeply unhappy person.I cant shake this feeling ill never do anything right. My thoughts have already destroyed me more than blades ever could. I am human and I want... no, need, to be loved. So I light another cigarette praying that it might be a last as people beg me to stop and save myself. Maybe Im to far gone to be saved. In the end it all just leads to smoking alone in my room.

[blurringourline-blog]

My story and proof even if you do, you don't know me.

Before you really start reading i want you to know this was typed by different friends of mine while I spoke it using their own ways of typing to remove any links to who or what i may be. I want zero hints to me and who i am.

So all i see always is racist this, left/right that. Fuck that. Close your eyes, plug your ears. The media is telling you what to think, instead of watching tv and YouTube or reading your favorite biased news paper or magazine how about we read each others stories and see the similarities we all share. Want to know how divided we really are as humans? Shut your fucking mouth, YOU are dividing us.

Now for something about me.

I grew up in the suburbs of a major city, roughly 3million people in population of said city. I didn't know that evil was outside my doors even though I heard it all the time, i thought it was just in my house.

My first memories seemed good. I had toys, food, and clothes. Looking back I remember sitting on a swing set watching the sunset. Catching the school bus to see my small group of friends in class. Life seemed pretty good i was an a-b honor roll student. I went on field trips to the zoo. Made it through school and even managed to get free college and am now working a pretty decent job. Shit, I sound privileged don't I?

Here's the full story

All though out my childhood both my parents were getting arrested for dui's and I spent night awake worring about them. Ya these are my first memories too. At least my parents were married you're thinking, ya fuck no. Only dated and split up before or shortly after i was born. I never really had the family outing. More my mom and her new boyfriend who was an abusive fucking crack head (not a joke, the guy fucking loved coke and smoked crack) would go out. I had reoccurring nightmares of this guy trying to kill us. Given as far as I know or remember he never tried it was a dream i had for months when i was around 7 or so. He would take us out and i remember different times he would hit her. Our house was filled with black mold, we didnt have a working shower and had to shower with a sink and hose. There were holes in the walls and old tiles from the 70's? falling all the time from the house rotting. After years of dealing with this shit alone my mom gets pregnant and has a daughter. She verbally abuses me and half ass takes care of my sister. In grade/elementary school I only had a few friends. Had a lot of bullies though, i remember getting picked on constantly and even into a few small fights. Around 3rd grade my grades started slipping and due to issues at home i quit caring about school. My mom not seeing the counterproductive shit she was doing would punish me for doing worse in school instead of help me with my work or fix herself to remove some of the stress from all of our lives. It was around this time i first contemplated suicide and was more than willing to do it but wasn't sure how. Internet was still aol dialup and cellphones were barely even out in mass like they are today. Obviously I didn't do it as I'm telling my story. Me and my dad didnt have the closet relationship looking back at it as he was normally drunk or stoned and at times locked up so to shorten this lets skip from 3rd grade to about 7th or 8th. Still failing and honestly no fucking clue how i didnt get held back in school i made it to middle school. This through highschool was bull shit. I was attacked with a razor knife and had my arm sliced open in 5 spots, had a menstrual pad stuck to my face and someone tried to sneak up behind me and shove a condom in my mouth along with many other things upto and including having a knife to my throat and a gun to my face. Now I wasn't into drugs or gangs i still faced this shit. I completely gave up in school. I wanted to die, my parents did nothing about me getting messed with in school and bullied. I felt alone. At 15 i almost had a child. i got my first job to support me and my sister. I bought our food and made sure she had school supplies. My mom drank all of the money away and we lost the house we were renting around 17 and me and my sister moved into my dads. New place same story. My dad drank and was high alot and when he mixed the two he turned into a dick and would punch through walls. At 18 i dropped out of school and joined the military. They paid for my ged and allowed me to continue my life. Upon returning home things started getting worse and i started carrying a pistol for self protection. Now this area isnt the worst in the country but dear god it is NOWHERE near safe and it gets worse to this day. From here out things bounce from good and bad. I developed a drinking problem and recovered. I almost killed myself. I gave up on myself multiple times and bounced back each time. Im now nearing 30, working full-time for a decent company offering full benefits, engaged to any amazing person and looking at homes for sale.

First i do want to say how we grow up does not make us who we are for life. We all have the power to change our lives for the better or worst. Never give up on yourself. You WILL make it. Don't give up and push to make yourself perfect. I am just words on a screen to you but I can say my story is 100% true. If i can change my life i know you can too. I started at the bottom and even if I'm not on the top yet I will keep climbing till I am. You all can do it too.

Submit your stories to me in a race and gender free story for a share. Lets see how much more alike we really are #blurringourline

[kvetchlandia]

Dave Heath     Poets Leroi Jones and Allen Ginsberg, 7 Arts Coffee Gallery, New York City     1959

Lately, I've become accustomed to the way The ground opens up and envelopes me Each time I go out to walk the dog. Or the broad edged silly music the wind Makes when I run for a bus...

Things have come to that.

And now, each night I count the stars. And each night I get the same number. And when they will not come to be counted, I count the holes they leave.

Nobody sings anymore.

And then last night I tiptoed up To my daughter's room and heard her Talking to someone, and when I opened The door, there was no one there... Only she on her knees, peeking into

Her own clasped hands

--Leroi Jones, “Preface to a 20 Volume Suicide Note” 1961

-

For Naomi Ginsberg, 1894-1956

Strange now to think of you, gone without corsets & eyes, while I walk on   the sunny pavement of Greenwich Village. downtown Manhattan, clear winter noon, and I've been up all night, talking,   talking, reading the Kaddish aloud, listening to Ray Charles blues   shout blind on the phonograph the rhythm the rhythm--and your memory in my head three years after--   And read Adonais' last triumphant stanzas aloud--wept, realizing   how we suffer-- And how Death is that remedy all singers dream of, sing, remember,   prophesy as in the Hebrew Anthem, or the Buddhist Book of An-   swers--and my own imagination of a withered leaf--at dawn-- Dreaming back thru life, Your time--and mine accelerating toward Apoca-   lypse, the final moment--the flower burning in the Day--and what comes after, looking back on the mind itself that saw an American city a flash away, and the great dream of Me or China, or you and a phantom   Russia, or a crumpled bed that never existed-- like a poem in the dark--escaped back to Oblivion-- No more to say, and nothing to weep for but the Beings in the Dream,   trapped in its disappearance, sighing, screaming with it, buying and selling pieces of phantom, worship-   ping each other, worshipping the God included in it all--longing or inevitability?--while it   lasts, a Vision--anything more? It leaps about me, as I go out and walk the street, look back over my shoulder,   Seventh Avenue, the battlements of window office buildings shoul-   dering each other high, under a cloud, tall as the sky an instant--and   the sky above--an old blue place. or down the Avenue to the south, to--as I walk toward the Lower East Side   --where you walked 50 years ago, little girl--from Russia, eating the   first poisonous tomatoes of America frightened on the dock then struggling in the crowds of Orchard Street toward what?--toward   Newark-- toward candy store, first home-made sodas of the century, hand-churned ice   cream in backroom on musty brownfloor boards-- Toward education marriage nervous breakdown, operation, teaching school,   and learning to be mad, in a dream--what is this life? Toward the Key in the window--and the great Key lays its head of light   on top of Manhattan, and over the floor, and lays down on the   sidewalk--in a single vast beam, moving, as I walk down First toward   the Yiddish Theater--and the place of poverty you knew, and I know, but without caring now--Strange to have moved   thru Paterson, and the West, and Europe and here again, with the cries of Spaniards now in the doorstops doors and dark boys on   the street, firs escapes old as you --Tho you're not old now, that's left here with me-- Myself, anyhow, maybe as old as the universe--and I guess that dies with   us--enough to cancel all that comes--What came is gone forever   every time-- That's good!  That leaves it open for no regret--no fear radiators, lacklove,   torture even toothache in the end-- Though while it comes it is a lion that eats the soul--and the lamb, the soul,   in us, alas, offering itself in sacrifice to change's fierce hunger--hair   and teeth--and the roar of bonepain, skull bare, break rib, rot-skin,   braintricked Implacability. Ai! ai!  we do worse! We are in a fix!  And you're out, Death let you out,   Death had the Mercy, you're done with your century, done with   God, done with the path thru it--Done with yourself at last--Pure   --Back to the Babe dark before your Father, before us all--before the   world-- There, rest.  No more suffering for you.  I know where you've gone, it's good. No more flowers in the summer fields of New York, no joy now, no more   fear of Louis, and no more of his sweetness and glasses, his high school decades, debts,   loves, frightened telephone calls, conception beds, relatives, hands-- No more of sister Elanor,--she gone before you--we kept it secret you   killed her--or she killed herself to bear with you--an arthritic heart   --But Death's killed you both--No matter-- Nor your memory of your mother, 1915 tears in silent movies weeks and   weeks--forgetting, agrieve watching Marie Dressler address human-   ity, Chaplin dance in youth, or Boris Godunov, Chaliapin's at the Met, halling his voice of a weeping Czar   --by standing room with Elanor & Max--watching also the Capital   ists take seats in Orchestra, white furs, diamonds, with the YPSL's hitch-hiking thru Pennsylvania, in black baggy gym skirts   pants, photograph of 4 girls holding each other round the waste, and   laughing eye, too coy, virginal solitude of 1920 all girls grown old, or dead now, and that long hair in the grave--lucky to   have husbands later-- You made it--I came too--Eugene my brother before (still grieving now and   will gream on to his last stiff hand, as he goes thru his cancer--or kill   --later perhaps--soon he will think--) And it's the last moment I remember, which I see them all, thru myself, now   --tho not you I didn't foresee what you felt--what more hideous gape of bad mouth came   first--to you--and were you prepared? To go where?  In that Dark--that--in that God? a radiance? A Lord in the   Void?  Like an eye in the black cloud in a dream?  Adonoi at last, with   you? Beyond my remembrance! Incapable to guess! Not merely the yellow skull   in the grave, or a box of worm dust, and a stained ribbon--Deaths-   head with Halo?  can you believe it? Is it only the sun that shines once for the mind, only the flash of existence,   than none ever was? Nothing beyond what we have--what you had--that so pitiful--yet Tri-   umph, to have been here, and changed, like a tree, broken, or flower--fed to the   ground--but made, with its petals, colored, thinking Great Universe,   shaken, cut in the head, leaf stript, hid in an egg crate hospital, cloth   wrapped, sore--freaked in the moon brain, Naughtless. No flower like that flower, which knew itself in the garden, and fought the   knife--lost Cut down by an idiot Snowman's icy--even in the Spring--strange ghost   thought some--Death--Sharp icicle in his hand--crowned with old   roses--a dog for his eyes--cock of a sweatshop--heart of electric   irons. All the accumulations of life, that wear us out--clocks, bodies, consciousness,   shoes, breasts--begotten sons--your Communism--'Paranoia' into   hospitals. You once kicked Elanor in the leg, she died of heart failure later.  You of   stroke.  Asleep?  within a year, the two of you, sisters in death.  Is   Elanor happy? Max grieves alive in an office on Lower Broadway, lone large mustache over   midnight Accountings, not sure.  His life passes--as he sees--and   what does he doubt now?  Still dream of making money, or that might   have made money, hired nurse, had children, found even your Im-   mortality, Naomi? I'll see him soon.  Now I've got to cut through to talk to you as I didn't   when you had a mouth. Forever.  And we're bound for that, Forever like Emily Dickinson's horses   --headed to the End. They know the way--These Steeds--run faster than we think--it's our own   life they cross--and take with them.

  Magnificent, mourned no more, marred of heart, mind behind, mar- ried dreamed, mortal changed--Ass and face done with murder.   In the world, given, flower maddened, made no Utopia, shut under pine, almed in Earth, blamed in Lone, Jehovah, accept.   Nameless, One Faced, Forever beyond me, beginningless, endless, Father in death.  Tho I am not there for this Prophecy, I am unmarried, I'm hymnless, I'm Heavenless, headless in blisshood I would still adore   Thee, Heaven, after Death, only One blessed in Nothingness, not light or darkness, Dayless Eternity--   Take this, this Psalm, from me, burst from my hand in a day, some of my Time, now given to Nothing--to praise Thee--But Death   This is the end, the redemption from Wilderness, way for the Won- derer, House sought for All, black handkerchief washed clean by weeping --page beyond Psalm--Last change of mine and Naomi--to God's perfect Darkness--Death, stay thy phantoms!

--Allen Ginsberg, “Kaddish, Pt. 1″  1961