#im going off the singles and the direction their albums went in over time

[guitarnacle]

not to be a nostalgic party pooper but modern belle and sebastian dont hit the same for me :( they sound so much more crowded and busy than the 90s-2010s songs, i really liked listening to songs about some character stuart murdoch made up with the most haunting isolated woodwinds and brass youve ever heard or their more upbeat ones that mingled groove and jazz and indie and folk guitar. i think its cool theyre integrating pop but i wish they were doing it in a way that sounded good and didnt sacrifice that meoldic style. like listen to what happened to you, son? 2024 and then tell me it's as good as piazza new york catcher 2003 or wandering days 1996. anyway this is just my opinion etc i know nothing about music

[activatebutterflyshield]

More of me running my mouth about music as inspiration except this time its just Dear Wormwood

Prelude. Prelude. PRELUDE. This is probably just a music nerd thing but its so perfect. Despite my horrible understanding of music theory, a prelude is usually the first piece of music that is meant to represent the succeeding and usually longer movements in a single work, but they could also stand alone. The Prelude to Dear Wormwood works as both. It starts out quiet before building up with just absolutely amazing wordless vocals and its just so great folks. Its a summary of the whole album in a minute and nine seconds its amazing folks

Okay Bitter Water. The first time I heard this one I thought oh, its a metaphor for alcoholism. Yes, it can be a metaphor for alcoholism, but it is also so much more. In the broader context of Dear Wormwood its an acknowledgement of how bad a relationship is and that the singer, the victim, feels like they can never escape it, but it can be so much more folks. It can be a about a love lost, with the one who lost the love pining and wasting away without their soulmate. Said soulmate could be a part of the griever themself. It can be so much. Its also a banger but thats a given for the whole album. “terrible fire of old regret is honey on my tongue” is also eternally amazing this whole thing is poetry mates

There Beneath. Calm and flowy and existential kind of but I make a lot of things existential and where were we? But also the line “I saw the morning lead a cavalcade” is bloody amazing. Its such a great and poetic way to describe the breaking dawn, the rising sun, the beginning of a new day and so many other things mates its amazing. Like a veteran adventurer recalling the times when their friends got them out of hard scrapes or something idk

In the Blue Hours of the Morning. It’s a nice waypoint, a chance to catch your breath before the next song which I will go off about but this bit is really just like its title. The time before the cavalcade, when theres still enough light to see by yet its so calm and still and not quite awake yet

Exeunt, which is. It is. Well, exactly what it says on the tin, an exeunt, which is a stage direction for when an actor goes off stage, but its also the most poetry ever. Everyone loves “Fluttering your lashes like ashes and ember” and rightfully so but everything in that song is so bloody strong. “Crocodile eyes I have seen how you hunger”???? “No I cannot trust what you say when youre grieving”????? Like its such a powerful song with all the musicians going ham on the everything and then the lyrics and then the context? Its great its just great

Caesar. A calm follow-up to the headbanger that is Exeunt, but its no less amazing. Im just drowning in symbolism for this one mates. Not only is the morning back and breaking over a palisade but also historical references!?! The backlogs of random anecdotes and stories are tickled awake by the “Look to the sky where the sign will be shown” bit so much like it aint even funny. Its a reference to Constantine the Great, who saw the symbol of the Chi Rho and went on to become roman emperor with it painted on his shields and its so much potential in just three stanzas

This Will End. Fellows this one just hurts. Its so bloody sad and yet such a strangely jaunty tune like the singer has just accepted their sad life and Im always like no! It can get better! You just gotta try a bit! Mates! Im bleeding out!

Pale White Horse. Ohhhhhhhhhh I can get so deep about Pale White Horse but so much of it is about WWI and the Spanish Flu Epidemic and other stuff I do not care to dredge from the depths of my historical brain fluids but its so great as a thing about war and trauma and abuse and so much other stuff just like recognizing someone doing something terrible and that can be either interpreted as oh thats conformation that they were always terrible or oh goodness thats not possible why no why are you like this you are not like this right and there’s no in between. And both hurt!

Where Is Your Rider. Enough metaphors to fill a graveyard (hey Crane Wives fans. Hey. Did you get it? Eh? Idk I thought it was funny) and then some but also oooooh the lines just go so hard sometimes. “But these bones never rested while living / So how can they stand to languish in repose”???????? Like mate youre dead but youre still going to push on and keep on fighting mates it hurts it hurts too much there are too many characters and situations and just stray thoughts I can peg to these two lines alone help

Soldier, Poet, King. Need I say more? Yes, I need to say more. Everyone above and below knows how bloody legendary this song is but take this as a sign to listen to it again. Its just that good. Someone once tired and broken who has found support and is coming back to finish the job they couldnt finish on their own is just oooooooooooooogh mates. Also funny ha ha DND party. Two sides of the same polyhedral dice. Probably a d100 with all the nonsense I can drag out of it at this point.

Dear Wormwood. The album namer. UGH I cannot get enough of this one. Just some of the lines in this one mates. “And in my hour of weakness / You were there to see me fail”???????? “I know who I am now / I know who I wanna be / I wanna be more than / That devil inside of me”??????????????????? Its just so perfect and so amazing and it gives you a warn hug and it punches you in the gut and it helps you up and gives you hot tea and the works mates its just so great

Danse Macabre. One last instrumental. A Danse Macabre was usually a piece of art with people dancing next to skeletons, representing the inevitability of death and the equality in the grave and so many other sad and mopey things but also its just such a fun jig. It really does feel like a bunch of spooky scary skeletons jamming on their graves. And that’s a one liner I never thought Id need to write.

Thus Always to Tyrants. Bloody hell this is the perfect ending song. The singer immediately starting off with “Let me die, let me drown, leave my bones in the ground”, proclaiming themselves free of the worries and pains they started the album with, singing as the blazing sun rises that yes, they are, if not happy now, then at least better now, and that anyone who threatens that will face the new and improved them is just ooooooogh. Mates. If theres one song you need to listen to if you somehow made it to the end of this thingie without also being obsessed with the Oh Hellos, its Thus Always to Tyrants. But please listen to the whole of Dear Wormwood first. It makes the impact so much better.

[ambrosesystem]

WEEZER. PART 1.

if you follow me, you have most likely (definitely) heard of the band weezer. and if you're reading this right now, you have heard of weezer 100% and have heard buddy holly once at the very least. and yeah. of course you have. since that's the most popular weezer song due to its success when it first released and recent internet memes.

now, for the very rare few who haven't heard of weezer:

weezer is a band from los angeles california. the band was formed in 1992 by rivers cuomo, patrick wilson, matt sharp, and jason cropper. although, the current members, (as of 2024), are rivers cuomo, patrick wilson, brian bell, and scott shriner. and me? im fucking obsessed with this band oh my god

what in the blue album weezering

the most popular weezer album huh...... the one that looks like buddy holly. the one with all of the memes associated with it. how did this album begin? why the fuck would rivers cuomo do this? is he okay? whale whale whale let me tell you dear child

the blue album, also known as weezer, which is weezers debut album, was released on may 10, 1994. the albums debut single is undone - the sweater song, which you have most likely heard of in some shape or form. although, despite the song gaining some success, many people had just seen the band as a gimmick or just some nerds. (to be fair, literally just look at them). after this, the band went: ok so uh. buddy holly becomes a single badabingbadaboom. along with this, there was a video directed by spike jonze (who also directed undone). the buddy holly music video is based off of the sitcom happy days from the 1970s by the way if youu somehow did not know. and boom . buddy holly AND weezer blew up . explosions everywhere babyyy. exploded so hard it won a mtv video music award.

wait a fucking second!!! how did rivers feel about this??!????!!!

my dear child good question. well, let's jusr say. he was not very much enjoyinf it. he couldn't tell if the success was due to the directing of the music video and the music video itself, or if it was the (great) songwriting. rivers did nottt wanna be seen as ironic.

oh! ok! new single alert!!! say it ain't so. this time, no directing done by the spike jonze guy. aaaannnd it was released as a single in 1995 this time. this music video? performed in a garage at the amherst house.

oh my fucking god its pinkerton what in the queer

pinkerton. second weezer album. very great very good. just like blue.

WAAIT A SECOND?? but... songs from the black hole...

to get into pinkerton, we gotta go over songs from the black hole first.. so yeag lets do that!

after the explosions and blowing up of weezer, rivers went: uh. yeah bro im just gonna do all the songwriting now. COMPLETE CONTROL THANKS. rivers also went: do i reallyyy wanna be a rockstar.... is this REALLY for me?

after that, due to rivers being a fan of madame butterfly and getting inspired by it, he wanted to work on his own opera. named, songs from the black hole. it would require each weezer member to be assigned a character. two temporary female vocalists. and it would need to be spacey and synthy.

now, there's wayyy more things about this project, but im not going to talk abt them today.

but hey, did you know rivers went to harvard? probably, probably not, who knows. while at harvard, he got WRITERS BLOCK~ SO FUN!!! anywyas. ego suffering. limping while walking to class. not fun.

ah, wait, but then he started to write some songs abt his experience at harvard! woag! yeag. theres a LOT more to this but i need to get to pinkerton NOW. that being said,

pinkerton. finally. new weezer album? how queer. guess we doing honesty and no gimmicks now.

early september. album almost finished. woohoo! oh wait. sued? because of the name? what the hell? oh. quickly got not sued. okok we good we chill.

lets go. new weezer album, released on september 24, 1996. oh? mostly negative and eh reviews? uhhh. ummm.. ah, first single el scorcho music video! also a flop????? some people said it was the "worst album of 1996"????? well fuck.

k what now? umm. re-record PINK TRIANGLE!!!!!!! (that song is very special to me for many reasons by the way). oh . ok. pibk traingel released as a radio promo disc.

well! this didn't go so well. now, the band is going separate ways to work on projects??!!?!? erm what the sigma or whatever the kids say

lets fast forward um. several years. we don't usually see pinkerton like they did back then huh. yeah. critics had decided to go back to pinkerton and finally went: holy shit this is good

and with that, the first two weezer albums were born. damn! okay. how do we feel about these albums today again?

now, many weezer fans consider these two albums to be great. with some minority STILL not liking pinkerton. now, despite its mediocre reception when it was released, it is mostly considered to be a masterpiece. now, what about the blue album? classic. every weezer fan has to listen to this album. it may not be everyones favorite, but it is definitely appreciated. its like a stepping stone, waiting for greater things to come. the blue album and pinkerton are definitely some of the most important weezer albums.

so. did you know i like weezer. also if you want even more info about these albumsw go watch youtueb videos and read shit thanks bye

[rivangel]

omg whats your fav fall out boy album(s)?? i'm excited for their new one esp cause mania was... not really my favorite....... but the singles they've dropped so far sound promising😙

sorry i had to ask after your last post talking about them cause i love them too lmao

NOOO AHHHHH IM SO GLAD U ASKED😈l

bro it is so hard to pick a fav out of their first 4 albums. however i love EVERYTHING off folie a deux. every single track. every lyric. especially west coast smoker… 27… disloyal order of water buffalo… 20$ nosebleed -

has to be folie a deux for all time fav album by them

from under the cork tree was a huge part of my adolescence too. FUCKING infinity on high with bang the doldrums and mmrs.

i was like. 13 when they came out with save rock and roll and it was rly good but still not nearly as idk. like with their early stuff before they went on hiatus, that shit was like lightning striking. it prob couldn’t ever be as good.

(also kinda unrelated but idk who to tell about this. mcr came out with danger days in 2011. one of the biggest rock bands right? and RIGHT AFTER that notice the multiple bands that came out with concept albums with the whole “defy authority” “post-apocalypse” type concept. black veil brides. crown the empire. ofc fall out boy. others i’m forgetting. but yeah)

and like i said, around the time american beauty american psycho came out i kindaaaa lost interest. it’s not bad for a band to change its sound - it’s natural - but i didn’t like the direction they were going in. wasn’t my thing and also mania sucked. i heard young and menace when it came out as a single and i was packing up the first 4 albums in a suitcase and leaving💀

HOWEVER that single i was sent was magical. im excited too!! . made even better by the fact brendon urie fucked off from shitting all over patd’s legacy. ugh fuck that guy but that’s an essay for another post -

[notsosmexy]

Heavens Love || Reggie x reader

Chapter four of ‘Heavens Love’ 

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 5 

A/N: OOooOo we back! Enjoy!

Word count: 3k

Taglist

Wanna be added to the series taglist? Just send an ask!

You walked up to your locker and put your code in. Once you had all your books, someone tapped your shoulder, making you turn around quickly. To your surprise, it was Carrie. She pointed at something not too far away and left. You arched your brow but looked at where she had pointed. 

It was Julie, singing in the middle of the hallway, doing some amazing dance. You wanted to stop her, so she didn't embarrass herself. But you couldn't move. You could tell she didn't mind, or she didn't notice. Either way, you stared at her like everyone else. Her eyes were closed and she had a huge smile on her face.  

You leaned on your locker with a smirk, when she came to get her books. She gave a small smile and took her headphones out. A boy who you had seen once or twice, tapped her shoulder.  

'Are you done?' visible confusion could be seen on her face. You suppressed a laugh. ' Can I have those back?' he pointed towards Julie's back pocket. 

'Oh..' she grabbed them and gave them to the guy. She turned on her heels and faced her locker once again. You and Julie were both laughing and you could hear Flynn running up to you both. 

'Omg Julie!' she smiled. 

'Whats up?'

'Nothing, glad to see you back to your…weirdo self' You laughed

Julie rolled her shoulders and gave a small chuckle 'Thanks?'

Flynn playfully rolled her eyes 'So, how's the band? Still hot? Still talented? Still..dead?' 

You put your head in your hands. 'Flynn..' you couldn't help but laugh a little. 'They can't be… undead'

Flynn shrugged her shoulders 'We're undead' you blinked once or twice. What goes on in this kids brain? Is all you could think.

Julie looked between both you and Flynn. 'Anywayssss, Luke and I spent all weekend writing songs… wanna hear some of them?' 

'Duh!' you and Flynn both said. Julie nodded her head and you both walked towards the music room. On your way there you saw Carrie form the corner of your eye. You gave a small wave but she didn't seem to notice, instead she was looking at something or someone in front of you. You stopped in your tracks and followed her gaze. Your eyes went big once you realized who she was looking at.

'Could be nothing' you tried to reassure yourself. You ran to the music room, to make sure you didn't miss any of Julie's music playing. 

'So this is-' 

'I'M HERE!' You shouted while panting a bit. You weren't the greatest at running you had it admit. Flynn smiled and Julie cleared her throat. 

'Right, here's the first song them and I wrote.' she sat down at the piano. 'Here's some of the chorus' she started playing and you smiled. It was amazing and had a fun beat to it. 

'Wow! I like it! Def Gaga vibes' Flynn stated. You nodded your head to show you agreed. Julie smiled. 

'Now um...here's something me and my mom were working on' Your smile faltered a little. She started playing once again and once again, you love it. You could tell Julie worked hard to get it right. 

'thats- that's beautiful' You and Flynn said at the same time. 

'Now,' Flynn smirked at Julie, changing the subject. 'You have a crush. And this name is Luke.'

'And he's a ghost!' you finished her sentence and Flynn pointed towards you. Julie's mouth fell agape.

'What? No! Luke's a ghost.' she stated, but you knew Flynn wasn't having any of it.  

'A cute ghost.' Flynn stated.

Julie scrunched her nose up. 'with a perfect smile.' she finally gave in.

'Ha! We knew it's you said to Julie while Flynn high fives you but missed. You rubbed your shoulder where she accidentally hit you and she gave a quite sorry. 

Flynn looked back at Julie, you doing the same. 'Just don't get hurt'

'Obviously you guys have a connection' you added. 

'Everyone’s been talking about when you're going to play again' Flynn put her hand on her hip and took out her phone. 

'Lucky for youuu…' You waited for Flynn to finish.

'Your marketing team has been way ahead of it.' Flynn smirked and gave a small flick of her hair.  

'I… I don't have a marketing team.' Julie gave you both a confused look. 

'Yes you do!' you pulled out a flyer from your backpack and Flynn did some jazz hands.

'No wait-' 

'it's all over the school!' before Julie could protest again Flynn's phone buzzed. 'Sorry, it already has 66 likes' you. Shook your head with a smile.  You and Flynn walked don't, leaving Julie behind. You could hear her telling you guys to wait and you both just laughed. 

As you all walked down the hallway to get to your class, you once again saw Carrie. She didn't seem to care that you were walking past. She was busy on her phone, like always, but you could tell something was different. 

'Guys, go without me, I gotta do something.' Both girls looked at you but nodded their heads. You waved goodbye and turned around to go see Carrie. She was walking towards the bathroom and you knew this was  going to be so awkward.

You walked into the light pink washroom and stood in front of a mirror. You waited a couple of seconds and soon enough Carrie walked out. She gave you a small glare, but it seemed fake. 

'Carrie, you don't need to pretend it's just me and you. Nobody else.'

She licked her lips and thought for a moment. She sighed and nodded her head. 

‘Hi Y/N’ she mumbled and turned to look at herself in the mirror. 

You nodded your head slightly and looked around. ‘So, I uh, I saw you staring at-’

‘Don’t’ Carrie quickly interrupted. ‘Its nothing. I don’t- i don’t like her’ She looked like she was going to cry. ‘Even if I-i did, she’d n-never like me’ 

You gave her a sad look and opened her arms. She practically ran into them, her arms around your neck. She smelt good, like honey and sugar. Her cold wet tears were hitting the cloth on your shoulder. Every single one slowly crept through the fabric, making your shoulder wet. After a while she let go and stepped back. She gave you a small smile and rubbed her eyes.

‘Sorry’ She sniffed. You shook your head and gave her a small toothy grin.

‘Don’t be… i’m sure she likes you to’ To be honest you had no idea if Flynn did. She’s never been one to talk about who she likes. She’d never even spread Carrie a glance after… the thing happened. 

‘Maybe…’ Before either of you could say anything else, the bell rang. You both walked out of the bathroom and went  your separate ways. The whole time you were walking to your class, you couldn’t stop thinking about...everything. There was Luke and Julie, Willy and Alex, Flynn and Carrie and You and Reggie. Too many people were falling in love.

****

‘I wasn't in love with the idea at first as well, but it'll be a great way to up our following.’ Julie was watering the plants, while you, Luke and Reggie stood around the piano. Reggie gently put the paper down and nodded his head a bit.

‘Ya, ya! We can play wherever we can and whenever we can’ Reggie stated and a smile had grown on his face. 

‘And then, you guys put out a new album!’ You said happily and Reggie snapped his fingers and pointed at Julie. 

‘Than release a country album’ You shook your head. ‘That does surprisingly well’ He turned towards you but you keep shaking your head. Julie gave Reggie a look and Luke looked a little disgusted. ‘I shred on the banjo so...’ Reggie shrugged his shoulders and acted like it was no big deal.

‘Then i'll  learn how to play the fiddle,’ You said jokingly and Reggie gave you a side hug. 

‘And before you know it, we're being inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.’ Luke gazed into the distance. He snapped out of it once Reggie started talking. 

‘But one of us isn't there’ you stared at him, half confused, half emmussed. ‘ Because we had a blowout in 2032. My moneys on Alex, he's just to sensitive.’ he shrugged his shoulders and you laughed quietly. 

‘Let’s get rehearsing!’ Luke pushed himself off the piano and spun on his heels. You turned around but remembered Alex wasn't there. Julie must have read your mind cause the next thing she said was exactly what you were going to say.

‘Wheres Alex?’

‘We can start without him.. He’ll be back soon’ Luke reassured you all. You leaned against something and watched them all get ready. Reggie gave you a wink and they all started playing. You blushed and looked at the ground for a few seconds. 

Once you lifted your head again, you heard a poof and Alex was suddenly through the door.

‘Hey Y/N’ you smiled and gave him a wave. 

‘Dude, where have you been?’ Luke stopped playing and let his guitar dangle. ‘We need to practice.’

‘Oh, really?’ Alex looked at Julie, his eyebrows scrunched together. ‘For what?’ 

Before anyone could answer, the door opened only to reveal Flynn. She was wearing her vibrant pink beanie, her lock necklace and the jean jacket you gave to her last year.

‘Dance news!’ she practically screamed while doing some weird pose. ‘I don't have a date but, I'm so psyched to see you guys perform!’ 

‘Oh man! We're playing a dance?’ Alex whined and looked at the guys. 

‘Course, man’ Luke sat on a red chair. ‘That's how we get a following nowadays’

‘Ya, get with the program Alex’ Julie mocked and Luke playfully scoffed. Flynn looked at you and Julie.  

‘What? They guys are here?’ she tutted and flipped her hair casually.’Hey guys!’ she waved in the opposite direction.

‘Other way, sweetie’ you said, giving her a taunting smirk. Oh was all she said and turned to wave at them. All  of them waved back, not that she could tell.

‘OK, well, now that Alex has graced us with his presence-’ you cut Luke off.

‘You should start practicing!’ You threw your hands in the air and Julie looked amused. ‘Wanna stick around?’ You turned around and asked Flynn. 

‘Im supposed to blow up 500 balloons for the school dance..’ she sighed but smiled. ‘This sounds way more fun though’ you all laughed. 

‘Hey Julie!’ Carlos walked into the studio and you heard Luke sigh. ‘Remember those orbs in dad's pictures? I...I think their ghosts.’ You turned to the boys with wide eyes, them doing the same to you. 

‘But don't worry!’ He slammed the pictures onto the piano. ‘ This room is...is’ he did a whole 360. ‘This room is clean. I'm not getting the ghost tinglies’ He whispered the last part like it was a secret. 

‘Wrong again little dude’ You all gave Reggie an amused look. Suddenly Carlos started yelling. 

‘Have no fear! If they come back I will protect you! Because I am the man of this house!’ Carlos stated, looking proud of himself.

‘Isn't dad the man of the house?’ Julie asked. 

‘There can be two’ they both chuckled. ‘Dad needs all the help he can get right? Now, according to the internet, salt burns their souls out.’ Everyone turned towards each other with panic written all over their faces. ‘A little sprinkle will keep them from ever coming here’ He threw it everywhere and some landed on Alex.

‘No! Oh! Oh god im…’ he looked at his hands. ‘Im fine. I'm totally fine.’ he raised his head with a proud smile. 

‘Oh! Carlos you know who's hungry? Me and...Y/N. Why don't you salt us a path to the kitchen’ You gave Flynn a look and shook your head. 

‘No, I need to-’ before you could continue, Carlos took your arm and started dragging you along, while salting a path. 

‘Don't worry Y/N you won't miss much!’ Your boyfrie- Reggie yelled behind you.

@tclerateit @sarcasticallywitty15 @killingbxys @calltothewild @well-hes-just-too-cute​ 

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 2/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

a/n: aaaa i’m so glad everyone liked the first chapter! i think this story will end up staying focused on gigi and crystal for the most part, but there is some (one sided) jankie in this chapter if you’re into that! also: just in case no one got the reference, the nickname crystal gives gigi, ‘georgia rose’,comes from the 1d lyrics “Said her name was georgia rose, and her daddy was a dentist” from their song ‘best song ever’!

gigi: are u okay :( ily crystal

crystal: yeah i just got picked on by this cheerleader that doesnt like me

Technically, she wasn’t lying. Crystal didn’t think it was too bad, considering she really only ever saw Dahlia in history class, but she still made it her mission to make that 45 minutes rough for Crystal whenever possible. This time it was pushing all of Crystal’s belongings off of her desk while she was leaving.

gigi: fuck. im sorry. 

crystal: it’s fine dskjdshjgkjf i wish all cheerleaders could take notes from you and jan

gigi: yaaas me and jan invented being nice

gigi: but i was wondering if maybe you could teach me about one direction later tonight?

Crystal had tried to convince the group earlier in the week that One Direction was the best boy band ever, and had only managed to get Jan to agree. She was glad that Gigi had finally come to her senses.

crystal: finally changing your mind? amazayn!

gigi: i regret asking now. take that pun back to 2011!!!!

The rest of the day went as normal. The chat was pretty active, but eventually died down at the end of the school day. Everyone seemed to have plans; Jan was studying, Jaida was going out to hang with friends, Nicky was sleeping, and Heidi was starting a new challenge on the Sims. It appeared to be just her and Gigi, alone in the group chat. 

Crystal decided to message Gigi privately, not wanting the rest of the girls to see her go into full stan mode. If someone asked Crystal about her interests, she could go hours before thinking of stopping herself.

crystal: ok miss gigi are you ready for your 1d crash course?

Crystal told Gigi everything she wanted to know and even more. A history of how they got together, way too much information on each of the five boys, telling her the best songs on each album, and making sure that Gigi knew ‘Midnight Memories’ was their best album. 

gigi: but ur @ is dedicated to made in the am?? fraud!

crystal: HELPFDFHBJ

crystal: mmcrystal sounds weird… like no thanks 

gigi: that was very interesting.. i’ll def listen to midnight memories in the morning <3

crystal: YAY! gigi 1d stan finally

gigi: no promises! :)

Crystal didn’t respond to that, not really knowing what to talk about now. Having a group of friends helped her be less awkward, but it definitely didn’t fix that problem completely. 

gigi: do u wanna play 21 questions or something?? to get to know eachother better???

Of course, Crystal jumped at the chance to get to know the other girl better. It started very innocently, asking about favorite colors and foods. Gigi quickly changed that.

gigi: uhh… have u ever kissed a girl?

crystal: sadly no.. my state is full of straight people

gigi: same.. ur turn

crystal: this feels awkward to ask but uhhh….

As soon as she hits send, she instantly regrets it. She backtracks what she had originally typed, desperately trying to come up with another question. Crystal was not able to think of anything else.

gigi: ????

“I guess I’ll have to do it,” Crystal says, talking to absolutely no one. She types it out again, looking away from her phone as she blindly tried to hit the send button, like it would help her situation be any less flustering for her.

crystal: how long have you and nicky been dating?

Would Gigi find it weird that she asked? Gigi was the one who brought up kissing girls, not Crystal, so it would be fine. Right?

gigi: CRYSTAL WHATBDGNHSDMFD

gigi: nicky and i are not dating omg im single

gigi: she’s like my sister. plus i would never do long distance

Crystal was so embarrassed. She was relieved this conversation was taking place through a screen, so Gigi wouldn’t see her blushing face. 

She was pleased that she was wrong about the two girls, but Gigi’s answer was upsetting to her.

They asked a few more personal questions before Gigi started asking Crystal would you rather questions instead. Crystal’s favorite out of them was if she would rather get a mullet or dress like a clown every day for the rest of her high school career. The answer was both, obviously. 

They spent the rest of the night sending each other stupid questions, giggling to themselves. The later it got, the more Gigi would flirt with her. At least Crystal thought it was flirting.

gigi: it’s really late and i have a test tomorrow so im gonna go to sleep. goodnight, babe

Gigi always would say ‘goodnight, bitch’, and this made Crystal even more confused. The ongoing joke that lesbians had the hardest time telling if a girl is into them or not was one of Crystal’s favorites, but now she couldn’t help but wonder if that was exactly what was happening to her. There was obviously a connection between them, but it was unclear to Crystal if it was just platonic. 

It didn’t hit her until later that night, while she was trying to fall asleep, but Crystal wasn’t entirely sure where Gigi lived. She knew they were in the same time zone, but wasn’t sure what state she was in. It was totally possible that Gigi lived in Missouri, but Crystal highly doubted it. Though Gigi obviously trusted Crystal enough to want to play 21 questions with her, she was still very private, and Crystal wasn’t too sure if Gigi would tell her what state she was in. 

Crystal fell asleep thinking about her highly unrealistic perfect world, where Gigi lived in Missouri and where Crystal wasn’t just another Nicky. 

-

Crystal got onto Twitter right after waking up the next morning, ready to ask Gigi if she happened to live in Missouri, but quickly got distracted with a very interesting conversation going on in the group chat.

jan!: now i may not be gay but i’m in love with a woman… 2 words jackie

jaida: i- that’s only one word

jan!: fuck

heidi: the way i can’t tell if you’re joking or not

jan!: the way i don’t think i am joking

gigi: YAAS about time u admitted that u like her

crystal: hold on i thought jan was straight?? who’s jackie???

nicky: do you really think a straight person would hang out with us?

crystal: good point 

jan!: I AM STRAIGHT! i think? i don’t know i’m so confused. 

heidi: jackie is jan’s local @ crystal

gigi: jan be like: im straight.

gigi: but also jan is like: wow jackie is so pretty and she’s so funny and smart i’m going to fail geometry so she can tutor me but no homo!

heidi: the delusion janice has…

jaida: not to be serious but if you think you like jackie, you probably aren’t straight baby. everyone else hush and let her talk

nicky: ^^ yeah jan what happened

jan!: first of all i did not fail geometry i just said we should study together so we did!!! and have been for months! but last night i couldn’t focus at all bc she’s so pretty all i wanted to do was k*ss her out of nowhere

In a way, Crystal could definitely relate. Gigi wasn’t her local, she still didn’t know what the girl looked like, but she still kind of wanted to kiss her. She couldn’t focus on anything besides Gigi sometimes, not like she would ever admit it. 

All of the girls had sent many comforting messages addressed to Jan, saying that it was okay, and she has all the time she needs to figure out her feelings. Afterwards, everyone had gone back to being playful. Gigi also tried to convince her to make a move on Jackie, which Jan refused.

gigi: if u talk to her u guys can get married <3

crystal: gigi you’re so stupid i love it

jan!: omg did someone say stupid love??? stream! 

gigi: crystal back me up :(

crystal: i might’ve found out who jackie is only 10 minutes ago but i will cry if jan doesn’t talk to her right now

jan!: better start crying bc i dont think i can even look at her now

jaida: that’s not saying much at all. you cried the other day bc gigi sent a pic of her dog

crystal: I AM A NANCY STAN FIRST AND A HUMAN SECOND!!

Crystal knew she looked like an idiot, walking to her locker with her eyes glued to her phone and a dopey smile on her face but she couldn’t care less.

-

The day actually went well for Crystal. The highlight of her day was finding out that the story she wrote for her creative writing class had gotten the highest grade out of everyone in the class, earning her a piece of candy. 

crystal: just got candy and a 99% on my story for class… i truly have the mind of a mastermind

jaida: beauty and intelligence in one combined!

Navigating through the halls was much more difficult when your eyes are glued to your phone, but replying to a meme Jaida sent seemed much more appealing to Crystal than getting to her seventh period without worrying about bumping into someone.  And bumping into someone, she did.

“What the actual fuck, weirdo?” Dahlia yelped, looking extremely offended, “Get off of your sad, cracked phone and watch where your dumb ass is going.”

Crystal just stared at her, frozen in fear. Dahlia taunted her daily, but this was very different from how she usually acts towards her. It was quite terrifying. 

“I swear to God, if you ever look at me, let alone fucking touch me again-” She continued, but before she could finish her statement, she was interrupted by her friend, Georgina running over and pulling her away. 

Crystal didn’t think Georgina shared Dahlia's hatred for her, and Crystal didn’t hate Georgina either. Georgina actually seemed very sweet besides the fact that she had never bothered to step in on the rare occasion Dahlia happened to target Crystal outside of class.

“Can you please leave her alone? We don’t have time for this.” Georgina groaned, looking back at Crystal, flashing her a quick smile, before turning around to escort Dahlia to what Crystal assumed was cheerleading practice.

“But she bumped into me!” Dahlia whined, not used to being interrupted like this.

“Really? Wow, funny. I don’t care.”

Once they were out of sight, Crystal was alone again. She pulled out her phone and went to check if anyone had said anything else in the chat; just Jan freaking out, because Jackie had smiled at her in the hallway.

heidi: everyone say i if you think jan should stop being a baby and ask jackie out

jaida: i

crystal: i

jan!: WTF

jan!: friendship ended with heidi, jaida and crystal. now nicky and gigi are my best friends

jaida: they would say i too if they were online and you know that

jan!: i don’t need friends! they disappoint me!

Crystal decided to not use her phone while she was walking home, not wanting to have a repeat of the Dahlia situation. Her after school routine changed a lot in the past week, making a rule to not check Twitter before completing her homework. Her Twitter addiction was getting worse, but since it was also causing her to be more productive with doing her homework, she saw no issues with it. Once she had finished, she picked up her phone to see that Gigi had messaged her less than a minute ago.

gigi: hey clown :) im done w practice

crystal: WHY AM I A CLOWNDFSHDM

gigi: u just have clown energy. i cant and wont explain 

crystal: honestly yeah i see it but can i at least be your clown wife or something

gigi: yeah <3 hey clown wife! i listened to most of midnight memories and it was really good! my fave song is u and i

If that’s not love, then what is? If that’s not friendship, then what is? Crystal had never been able to get anyone to listen to anything she recommended, ever. She was filled with glee, double tapping the message to heart it. It meant a lot to her.

crystal: YAYAYAYAYA im so glad but it looks so ugly when you spell it like that 

gigi: my fave song you and i* >:(

crystal: better 

gigi: if i have to stop spelling it as u to make you not divorce me i will

Crystal knew deep down it was just a joke, but it made her heart race. The feeling she got every time Gigi would flirt with her was very unfamiliar, but very nice. It didn’t help that Crystal thought ‘You and I’ was one of the most romantic songs One Direction had, she couldn’t help but make the fact Gigi liked it out of all of the other songs into something it was not.

This reminded her of her late night thoughts. She had completely forgotten to ask Gigi where she lived, but the idea didn’t seem the greatest now that she was fully awake. She was still curious though, so against her better judgement she asked, without a segway or anything.

crystal: i forgot to ask but what state do you live in? asking for science

gigi: oh i live in missouri

crystal: omg me too

gigi: i don’t wanna reveal where but this is amazing.. maybe we won’t have to break the distance at all <3

Pleased that she somehow got an answer, Crystal changed the conversation into a discussion of ‘Midnight Memories’, and if Gigi agreed with the opinions Crystal had shared the night before. She did, for the most part and before they knew it, it was time for Gigi to go sleep. Had they really talked all evening? 

gigi: i have to get up early so i need to go to sleep but im really glad jan added u to the gc

crystal: and im happy you asked me about one direction!

gigi: me too. ur cute when ur passionate. i hope we can continue to grow closer

crystal: i’d like that.

gigi: goodnight, my clown :)

crystal: goodnight, georgia rose

gigi: U DID NOT

gigi: my full name isnt even georgia and dad isnt even a dentist but i’ll allow it bc i know u think u invented comedy

gigi: ok gn now <33 luv u

crystal: gn!!! sleep well

Crystal wanted them to stay like this forever.

[delta-magnetic]

aight SO a little bit ago i asked if anybody wanted to see my longass ranking/ramble of dm albums

so here it is (with only part of it above the cut)! i should probably go back over the ones i didnt say much on but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i wrote this like a week ago?

original template had from God Tier - Shit Tier but i couldnt bring myself to call any of these shit (or even give an F to)

(note: the order within the ranks is purely chronological)

S tier

Music for the Masses (1987)- obligatory "my favorite song of all time is on this album". the other songs on here are also incredible (notably Strangelove, Behind the Wheel, and Nothing). arguably my favorite bonus tracks of any of the albums. this album has the essential dark tones/vibes but probably in the most beautiful way of any of the albums. 9/10 (not 10 purely because i do not like I Want You Now. the breathing makes me v uncomfy jdknfbs)

Violator (1990)- the depeche mode album. there were "hits" on other albums, but literally every single one of their BIGGEST hits was on this album (Personal Jesus, Enjoy the Silence, and Policy of Truth). and those hits do a good job of showing you what depeche mode is about, and what violator is about, but listening to the whole thing is another experience. 10/10 whether you only passively care about dm or you're a huge fan you should absolutely give this one a listen

Songs of Faith and Devotion (1993)- notice how i didn't say the best album on violator? thats because this one is. hands fucking down. dave's best vocal performances are on this album, which even he himself has said (on Condemnation). following up violator was tough but i say this did so very well. it went in another, slightly bluesy direction, but was still undeniably dm. 11/10 holy fuck

Ultra (1997)- now i know i gave sofad an 11, but i still consider this one to be my favorite dm album. imo it combines the aspects of the previous two wonderfully, a similar groove to sofad but wouldn't be out of place on violator. being the first album after alan left, there is the slightest hint of "things are going to evolve once again", and that's completely okay. 10/10 ily ultra

A tier

Construction Time Again (1983)- i'd say this is the album where they finally hit their groove. very synthy, but it's not just bright and poppy now. this is also when they first really started sampling sounds, and they did well with it. a while ago richard spencer, known far-right bitch, called dm the "band of the alt-right" and dave famously told him to fuck off, and "has he even heard our music??". he cited some songs from music for the masses i think, but i'd say really this album is probably what dave was talking about with that statement. there is literally a song on here called The Landscape is Changing. anyways 10/10 there are sounds on this one that also make me a little uncomfy (namely the whispering in Told You So) but this album is just so good

Sounds of the Universe (2009)- so i said cta was when they hit their groove, i'd say sotu is when they hit it again after alan left (ultra was kinda like when you let go of a kid on a bike, and they're doing pretty good at first). dave actually contributes some songs on this album, and specifically Miles Away/The Truth Is is pretty great. has both the most hopeful dm song (Peace) and arguably the most up-frontly depressed dm song (Wrong). 9/10 it's a bit longer than the typical album but still a fantastic listen

Delta Machine (2013)- they went bluesy on sofad, and they REALLY did here. where sofad was more of a slow boil, this one goes in this direction with a bit more force. uhh tbh don't have much else on this one except i have yet to listen to Happens All The Time (a bonus song) w/o crying lol. 9/10 sound can get a teensy bit muddied at times but still very solid album

Spirit (2017)- most recent album! and oh boy if you thought they were disgruntled at the world during cta, they are pissed here. first album where theres swearing. some ppl think this was written in response to richard spencer but this existed before that, just happened to release pretty soon after which is still amazing. sound is beautiful here, dave's voice is still very strong (and even carried over some of that soul from delta machine), and i'd even say it's one of martins best performances. 10/10 this is modern dm and i love it

B tier

Black Celebration (1985)- this album is pure concentrated dm vibes. dark tones, industrial influence, synths. a bit too hyped up imo, but still very deserving of some hype. the best transitions of any dm album. dave and martins voices are great here, but especially when they're singing together (a really good example being Here is The House), some of the best harmonies between them on this album. 9/10 an essential dm album. literally if you somehow made it this far but stop reading here the one thing i ask of you is to listen to Stripped

Exciter (2001)- so that bike analogy about ultra? this is where the kid eventually falls over. definitely a different sound. like sofad and delta machine went in different directions than previous albums, but something about exciter's vibes were REALLY different without necessarily feeling like it was heading towards a different genre. BUT! this is still a super underrated album. this is a very good "i want some quieter dm vibes to listen to" album (ofc save for Dead of Night which is very loud lol). 8/10 not super up there for me but i do find myself listening to this album quite a bit

Playing the Angel (2005)- ok i didnt have much to say on delta machine but i like, really dont immediately here. first album in which dave contributes songs! and all of the ones he wrote (Suffer Well, I Want it All, Nothing's Impossible) are pretty solid. Macro is also an incredible song like holy shit. 8/10 sound (balance especially) is a little worse than delta machine's but oh MAN are there some good songs on here.

C tier

Speak and Spell (1981)- alright now we're lower down the list. i know i cant/shouldnt be too mean to the very first album, so i won't. but man is this as poppy as synthpop gets (which i know can be mostly attributed to vince, who then left after this album). i have not listened this album very much because of that, but i do listen to a good number of the songs off of it on the regular. 7/10 vocals are kinda drowned out at times, but cant hate baby dave and the lads too much. it's very sugary sweet, but in a fun way

Some Great Reward (1984)- i really don't listen to this one as much as i should tbh. this album i actually like almost all the songs off if it even! but i just don't listen to the whole thing together often. i'd put more eloquent thoughts and feelings on this one but i'm writing this shortly after having taken a zquil sO my brain has kinda run out of steam now lol sorry. In Your Memory and Set Me Free (Remotivate Me) are very good tho omg. 8/10 if there was a letter between C and D i'd have put this in that spot

aaaand finally, D tier

A Broken Frame (1982)- i did these as S-D and not S-F because i couldnt be that mean ndjkfsb but im srry something had to be at the bottom still. actually had this and Speak and Spell switched at first but then i realized I liked more songs off of the sas. (again would put more but zquil REALLY tryna take me down now, think i'll actually attempt sleep now). 6/10 just not one i super vibe with. the sound here is REALLY off balance a lot but hey this was mart kinda on his own and he gave it his bestest shot

[slime-smile]

i accidentally left my phone at life drawing on saturday afternoon. i set it down on a dresser next to the bathroom as i walked in and thought “ok i need to remember that i set that there, i always forget when i set things there” and then of course i forgot about it by the time i walked out of the bathroom.  probably in part because the timer that signifies the break has ended went off so i hurried back to my seat, for the final drawing of the day.  then after the last drawing was done, a guy i have talked to a little bit the last few times i’ve gone asked me if i wanted to go get tacos. i said “i forgot my wallet today so are you okay with buying me the tacos” and he said “yea.” i wasnt wearing shorts with pockets and i had been leaving my phone in my backpack during the drawing sessions so i had a vague impression it was in there.  we walked back to my car so i could set down my drawing pad and backpack, then we walked a few blocks to get The Best Fish Tacos in Ensenada. then we walked back together after we ate.  he rides a motorcycle and parked directly across the street from the figure drawing place.  we hung out on the steps of the house he’d parked in front of for a bit, then i walked two blocks back to my car.  it was soooo hot when i got in, i turned the A/C all the way up, picked up my backpack to get out my phone, and it wasnt in there.  i waited a minute to see if my car would tell me that it connected to my phone, in case the phone was lost somewhere in the car, and it didn’t, then i remembered what happened.  so i get out of the car and hurry back to where the liffe drawing was.  it’s hosted by these two artists in their personal studio, so i was like “ok they’re probably still there doing their own work now that the session has ended”  but i walk up and the driveway is empty (the guy always parks his car in it) so i’m like oh nooo but i walk all the way to the door anyways and it’s closed and locked and they’re gone.  the guy i got tacos with is still sitting across the street looking at his phone, so i walk back over to him and tell him what happened.  he seems concerned and is like “i can try to message the guy on instagram? or we can see if one of the neighbors will let you in?” and i’m like oh no no it’s fine, i’ll just come back monday night to get it. (they do drawing monday and thursday nights and saturday mornings) plus i’ve been wanting to try going on a weeknight anyways.  and earlier he had told me i should try coming on a weeknight some time and that he usually does, too. my main concern at that point was that i had a date planned for the night and i wasnt sure how not having my phone would affect it.  but then i remembered my date had emailed me so i could email him, and then i remembered (duh) that i had imessage on my laptop so i could still text anyways but just in a more restricted capacity.  the tacos guy really seems concerned for me and my phone though, like wonders how i will go two days without it.  but i resign myself to it and walk back to my car to drive home.  for some reason traffic is really bad, worse than usual -- dodgers game?? i dont know.  while i’m driving home i see a fire from the freeway, and i start to scare myself that it’s my house that’s on fire, even though i’m pretty sure my house isnt visible from that freeway and i’m still too far north for it to feasibly be my house.  i keep thinking “oh god all my art and my [most cherished personal item which holds no monetary value] and now i really wont be able to get in touch with [date] how would i let him know what happened and ugh i can’t even get my phone until Monday night, i wouldn’t be able to get in touch with anyone, what would i do if my house burned down??”  but i go home and my house was not on fire, obviously.  i send a message to my date to let him know what happened, and email the guy who runs life drawing about my lost phone.  my date replies “so you’re gonna be phoneless tonight??” and i’m like “yea but let’s just meet out front at 8, i’ll even be early.”  i go downtown to buy my date a bouquet in the flower district, it’s his birthday, but then i can’t conceive of a manageable way to have a bouquet at a bar, so after i bring the bouquet home i take out a single rose from it to give him.  we both like roses, as a symbol and as an object, i know this isn’t especially unique, but it’s nice.  he has a rose tattooed on his arm.  later, before the date, my friend sends me an email subject line “bruh” body text “you left your phone at whatever repair shop you were at this morning.”  which leads me to believe he called it and the life drawing guy answered it and told him he had it.  which was nice because i hadn’t gotten an email back from the life drawing guy yet and was worried that maybe someone else in the class had snatched it even though that seems unlikely.  and also kind of funny to imagine because obviously the life drawing guy’s perspective was that i was probably calling my phone from my friend’s phone trying to find it, when in reality my friend was just calling me not knowing that i didn’t have my phone and then some man answers it.  anyways then i go to my date and i text him when i’m leaving that i’m heading over and will see him there soon.  i look up the directions beforehand but then forget where exactly the bar is that we were supposed to meet and ask a guy on the street who i could tell was smiling at me even though he had a mask on where i needed to go and he told me the way.  i walk up and my date is already there standing outside, i walk up to him and he says “you’re early!” and i don’t say this but in my mind i’m like “you’re even earlier!”  and i hand him the rose and we go upstairs to the bar.  the bartender is really friendly and asks about the rose and makes the date a free drink for his birthday.  there’s a hottub and i’m like “why didn’t you tell me!” we find an uncomfortable bench and are eyeing a much cozier one where a woman is sitting, hoping it will open up.  we’re quickly absorbed in conversation and at some point i happen to look over and notice the cozy bench is free, and we dart over to it.  we’re able to sit there for an hour or so before a staff member comes up to us and informs us that we’re sitting where they plan to put the DJ booth, so we’ve got to move, but another couple is about to leave and they’re going to clear off their table for us.  so we go lurk by the table, where the man is sitting, and he reveals that he’s been noticing us all night, because he and his wife were the ones who had been sitting on the bench earlier, and they themselves had been told that they were sitting where the DJ was going to be, and so they moved.  i think it’s a funny coincidence that we’ve been following this couple around through the night, but i dont really know what else to say to the guy, so that’s sort of it for our conversation.  the table is less fun because now we’re sitting across from each other in chairs, instead of next to each other on a bench.  they set the DJ up as we’re finishing our drinks, and i propose that if the music is good, we dance.  the DJ starts playing but his song selection is terrible so we bounce.  date proposes we go back to his place, which i’m fine with, and i can sense that he wants to kiss, which we do, briefly, in the elevator.  in addition to the Saturday night drinks date, we’d already planned a Sunday afternoon date earlier in the week, so sleeping over made sense.  in the morning we walk to get coffee and i buy him a muffin for his birthday, and he says when we get back to his apartment he wants to teach me to play a Korean card game, one-card.  i say ok and that if we can find two other people who are into it, later (in the future, not in the day), i can teach him a popular Ohio card game.  i talk a lot of smack about how im going to beat him at one-card after we go over the rules, but then he wins 8 games and i only win 3.  at some point i notice that the rose i brought him has been left lying on a table -- hmm?  we go to brunch at a place i’d never been to before, near the movie theater (our pre-planned second date, seeing a movie), which is, i learn, known for their crispy french toast, but which i do not order, because i know it will make my stomach hurt.  at some point i say that i wonder what’s going on on my phone.  i feel kind of zoned out from the point in time after we stopped playing cards to go to brunch.  it’s probably because i didn’t sleep well the previous night, because i have a hard time sleeping in new places, or when i share a bed, or when there’s no white noise, or when it’s too hot.  he’s tired too, and dozes in the movie theater while we wait for the movie to start.  after the movie is over i drop him off and go home, Sunday is supposed to be my chores day, but by the time i get home it’s already 430.  i want to take a nap but i have to run an errand and water all my plants, which i kind of don’t end up doing.  my errand was to go to the video store to return the movies i’d rented the previous week, of which i only was able to watch 1 out of 2.  my favorite video store employee who i hadn’t seen in a long time (i was out of town, he was out of town) was there and we talked and caught up and i learned that he’s a triplet (but he said that the grammatically correct way to refer to both his other siblings was “twin,” he said “my twin” and i said “you’re a twin??’ and he said “well actually we’re triplets but blah blah blah” -- this seems wrong to me but what do i know) and then we were talking about a missing persons poster that someone had dropped off at the video store which was really sad but also that he, the employee, had googled the missing person, and that this missing guy had released music on bandcamp, and that the photo he used for the album cover was of the place that he, the employee, had lived previously and not only that but he, the employee, was actually in the photo that this missing person had used as an album cover on bandcamp.  and then the employee said “do you wanna see?” and i said “yeah” and he let me come behind the counter to look at the computer and i hung out back there for a second and told him about a movie that the bartender had been recommending to a guy next to me at the bar the previous night, but which i had thought sounded interesting so i butted into their conversation about it, and since i still dont have my phone to write the name of the movie down, i’ve been telling people about it so i don’t forget.  the bartender said it was a french movie called “hedgehog” about a little girl who has an existential crisis and decides she’s going to kill herself in two months.  the guy he was recommending it to said, “that sounds really dark, man,” but i said “that sounds incredible and like directly up my alley” and the bartender insisted that the movie was both good and funny.  and i was relaying this story to my video store friend and he looked it up and then said “we can probably see if we have it in the store” and he checks their system and they do, in the general “french” section, and i find it and pick it up.  he asks me if i’m gonna rent it this week and i say “i can’t cause i’m going out of town this weekend! but next weekend.”  and now it’s 11pm and i’m supposed to be finishing my zine but i spent an hour writing this, instead, but i’ve got to finish the zine and send to my friend for his final edits before i can go to bed

[elderkale]

do you see me now? i’m right here, behind the mirror.

tell me we’ll never get used to it - do you see me now? i’m right here, behind the mirror.

His childhood stood out to him in the forefront of his mind, vivid and still, like a series of photos laid out neatly in an album, or an oil painting of roadkill three days old. What was that they said about time slowing before a disaster?

Something like that, except for a decade of his life.

“Troubled child.” That’s what they’d called him. “Ill. Unwell.” No specific terms—they’d thought him too young—but he had an idea of what they were saying behind the door. He was a doctor, after all.

There was irony in that, he thought. No, not irony—wrong word. Incongruous? Not him being troubled, the other thing.

He’d come to school late, by almost three months—an eternity, back then. What he’d give to have that back.

He remembered the crunch of gravel beneath tires, the chill of the car window when he pressed his forehead against it, the sting in his palms when the edges of the seatbelt dug into his skin.

Be good, he remembered them saying. Play nice. Do well. Yada yada yada. A hug, stiff and awkward, a firm hand on his shoulder that was just a bit too heavy and sent him stumbling. The rumble of a motor, and they were gone, a speck in the distance leaving nothing but a trail of smoke behind.

And him.

He hadn’t gone to class—no point, not on the first day. The woman at the front desk, with the long dress and dangling jewelry, and a smile so bright and stretched so wide it had scared him, offered to stay, to lead him to the library, to show him the grounds. He’d nodded, politely, meekly. The moment she glanced away, he’d turned and bolted, charging down the halls on little legs that hadn’t grown nearly as much as he’d hoped since then.

He’d thought about that day a lot through the years. Strange, the way things happen. What would have happened, back then and afterwards and now, if he’d gone another way. If he’d turned left instead of right, gone up the stairs or out the doors instead of down the hall. If he’d paid a little more attention to where he’d been going instead of glancing over his shoulder so much.

If he hadn’t crashed into her.

A loud yelp, a squeaking, skidding noise, and he was on his back, head throbbing, palms burning. She’d winced as she clambered to her feet, her knees skinned an angry, pinkish red.

For a moment, they’d just stared at each other.

Funny, how long a second can last.

And then she’d grabbed him, thin, pale fingers gripping his wrist tightly enough to cut off circulation, and dragged him into an alcove.

“Hey!” he’d protested, which he thought had been fair of him.

She’d already been on the ground, arranging her skirt over neatly folded legs. Begrudgingly, he’d slid down the wall and slumped onto the ground to face her. Such was the way of children.

“What are you running away from?” she’d asked.

“What makes you think I’m running away from anything?” he’d asked. The alcove had been small, an empty space beneath the stairs you wouldn’t have spotted unless you were looking, really looking. Cobwebs had hung from the slanted ceiling, brushing the tops of their heads, and they were practically squished against each other, but, back then, it had felt like the biggest place in the world. Like a secret cave.

“Well,” she’d said, the perfect picture of reason, “you’re running, and now you’re hiding. Most people don’t do that for fun.”

“You’re doing it,” he’d said. “Sort of.”

“Yeah, but I’m not most people.” She’d tilted her chin up pompously, and he’d felt like hitting her.

“Oh, yeah?” he’d sneered. “What makes you so special?”

“I’m very smart,” she’d said, clearly and plainly, like she was stating a fact.

“That’s stupid,” he’d said bluntly.

She’d nodded sagely. “Sounds like something a smart person would say.” There’d been a band-aid across her nose, and her hair had been a burnt reddish-brown, tangled into two ponytails that bore striking resemblances to the heads of mops. She’d looked about his age and, seriously, what lunatic had thought it was a good idea to lock a bunch of eight-year-olds up in a castle in the middle of nowhere? It was a catastrophe waiting to happen.

(Hardee-har-har.)

“Are you new too?” he’d asked.

“No,” she’d said. “Why, are you?”

“Obviously,” he’d said with a sniff, looking down his nose at her with disdain. Sometimes, back home, when he’d felt well enough to get out of bed, he’d sneak around the house and listen to his parents, the programs they’d left playing all day on the telly, the phone calls that always left his father either strutting around the house, pleased as punch, or sour-faced and growling and snarling at anyone who came near. He’d gotten used to imitating their haughty tones.

“How old are you?” she’d demanded.

“Eight,” he’d said.

“Oh.” She’d beamed—she’d cycled through emotions like they were pairs of socks, back then. Still did, it seemed. It used to send him reeling. “Me too!”

“Okay,” he’d said. Not the starting point one would expect, but a starting point nonetheless. He wasn’t very nice to her, but she wasn’t very nice to him, either, so he supposed it balanced out.

He wondered when it had all gone to shit.

*

“What,” Koschei had said one cold December night.

Theta had grinned, hair fluttering in the breeze. “Hiya!”

“What,” Koschei had repeated.

Theta had gestured at him to move over and, after a brief scramble, grabbed the edges of the windowsill and swung into his room. Koschei had leapt backwards, wrinkling his nose, as chunks of dirty snow tumbled in along with her, landing on the carpet.

“Vansell’s at home this week,” Theta had said in way of explanation, patting her hands dry against her coat. He’d wrinkled his nose at the wet brown stains she’d left and took a quick step out of arm’s reach.

“I know,” Koschei had said, watching her shrug out of her soiled coat (big and bulky and a shocking shade of highlighter yellow that he had no doubt she’d picked out herself) and kick off her boots.

She’d made a humming noise and flopped onto the armchair into the corner of the room. “The roof is nice,” she’d said. “You should come with me, sometime.”

He’d craned his neck to look up at the ceiling. “Is it cold?” he’d asked.

“Mhm.” Theta had been fiddling with the afghan Vansell had left slung across the back of the chair, twisting the fringe between her fingers.

“You’re stupid,” he’d informed her, as was custom at that point. She’d scrunched her face up in his direction, and he’d stuck out his tongue in retaliation. He’d flopped back down onto his bed and picked up the book he’d been flipping idly through when he’d heard the knock on the window. “Are you gonna stay there?”

“Yep,” she’d said, popping the P and pulling the afghan around her shoulders. She’d looked ridiculous, he’d thought, sitting there in pajamas that looked like they’d been through a shredder (knowing her, they probably had), feet not quite touching the ground.

He’d drifted off at some point, lulled to sleep by the rustle of frost-covered branches outside and the mind-numbingly dull plot of his book, her chatter fading into calming background noise.

When he’d woken up, she’d been gone, along with the biscuits he’d hidden in his desk.

*

Koschei supposed that, to some, he would have been considered a bully. It certainly was what he’d fancied himself, at the time. Theta too—partners in crime, in a sense. But only to a few. To most, they were just another duo of wandering weirdos. The nutter who never went to class and the serious one that coughed a lot, he once heard a janitor say.

They’d left a lot of messes.

They’d been close, she hadn’t lied about that. Maybe not him to her in the sense that she wanted, or her to him in the sense that he wanted, but close. Very close.

Predictably, this hadn’t been much help to either of them in their social pursuits.

Scuffles in the hallway were normal, expected, even, and if Koschei had a penny for every jibe and sneer that had made his stomach twist—their friendship, Theta’s family, his condition—he wouldn’t have had to stay at all. Yet, somehow, they were still the ones who’d get into trouble when they’d retaliate.

He remembered the glare that had been on Theta’s face as she’d watched Torvic, in all four and a half feet of compressed smugness and meanness, saunter out of the office, blameless, for the upteenth time. “‘M gonna kill ‘im,” she’d muttered around her puffy lip, and he’d nodded fervently.

He missed those days.

*

Oh, right. That’s when it had started veering off to hell.

*

Theta had grown bolder as time passed, and so had he. Sneaking across the roof of the dorms was, as Theta had declared, with all the smugness of the cat that had gotten the cream, “child’s play.”

“We are children,” Koschei had pointed out.

“Yeah, but we’re better.”

There was scarcely a day when they weren’t clambering over the roof or down the walls, or even through the gap in the gate and into the fields and woods beyond. Koschei hadn’t been foolish enough to believe that nobody knew, or that they were the only ones, though he suspected Theta might have been. He’d just counted himself lucky that nobody had phoned home.

Was it luck, he sometimes found himself thinking sometimes, or the opposite that had led him to follow them that night? Had it been the greatest thing to ever happen to them, or the worst? Philosophical and never-ending, and with more answers than he could shake a stick at, and not a single one of them clearer than a solid wall. Infuriating to no end. Sometimes he thought he’d chosen the wrong profession.

“When do you suppose the aliens are going to come?” Theta had asked. She’d taken her shoes off, despite the lingering chill, and was splashing her feet absent-mindedly in the river. It had been a big river, or big enough, and, sometimes, after the longest autumn storms, they would have to shout to hear each other over the rush of white water.

Not that night, though. That night, the water had been as gentle as a brook or a light spring breeze, breaking around Theta’s ankles and the smooth, worn stones in little ripples that Koschei had loved to drag his fingers through.

He’d contemplated the question for a moment, wrinkling his forehead and staring at the leaf he’d been shredding as if he might find the answer written in the veins. “Soon, I imagine,” he’d decided.

“I think they should hurry, don’t you?” Theta had said. “Earth’s boring. This part of Earth, at least.” She’d flopped back onto the bank, mindless of the pebbles digging into her back, kicking her legs and splashing water all over the both of them. “I’m dying down here!”

He never did learn the full story of what had happened that night. It wasn’t like they could have asked.

All he knew was that, one moment, he’d been sat on the bank, watching her braid a twig into her hair, and, in the next, he’d been knocked to the ground. The ensuing scuffle was but a blur in his memory, something he’d curse until the end of time because fuck.

He’d ended up losing (or what had constituted losing at the moment), and being kicked across the rocks. He still had the scar—a barely-there line, thin and white, across his shoulder—to prove it. There had been shouting, he remembered, and someone had been screaming—him or Theta or Torvic or all three of them, or maybe that had just been the noise in his head.

And then the water.

Theta had maintained that it had been purposeful. Koschei still believed he hadn’t had the faintest clue what he was doing. Not that it mattered.

The whole affair had been ridiculous, something more than clear to him now, looking back. A scuffle on the bank. But he could still appreciate what he’d felt at the time, which had been fear. Fear, and panic, and not much else. Desperation, too, and adrenaline. Very primal of him.

He could have drowned. He probably would have. Or maybe not. Who was he to know what had been going through the other boy’s head?

(Or maybe he knew too well. Not at the time, though. Not enough.)

And then—

And then—

He’d remember that moment for the rest of his life.

He hadn’t realized what had happened, not immediately. But Torvic’s weight had vanished, and he’d hauled himself out of the water, gagging and sputtering and spitting and shivering. It hadn’t been an instantaneous reaction, or one of horror or shock, like he’d seen described in stories. He’d scrubbed at his face with wet hands, rubbing at the sand and grit in his eyes, and it had taken him a few moments more to figure out why the water running down his arms was warm, and what that obnoxious fucking banging was.

It wouldn’t have taken a genius to see he was dead. Theta had still been swinging. Down and down and down and down. Splatters of blood had rained across her chest, her arms, her face, her hair, and he hadn’t been able to see her face.

“Theta,” he’d rasped, then coughed, more water spilling down his chin. “Theta,” he repeated. “Thete!”

A final swing and she’d stumbled back, stumbling on the rocky bank. Koschei had forced himself to his feet and staggered forwards. His legs had been shaking, though whether that had been from almost drowning (he’d regarded everything with a calmness that had almost been hysterical) or the body at his feet he hadn’t known. Still didn’t.

All in all, it had probably happened in a few seconds. But who could blame him for feeling like it had been an eternity?

He’d heard a thud, and the rattling of stones against each other. “I didn’t—” A breath like a death rattle, shaking hands reaching forwards. “He—”

Koschei had stepped over the body and kicked the bloody rock into the river. It had hit the water with a plop, and the droplets from the splash had been cold against his skin. “Theta,” he’d repeated, not for any particular reason—or one that he could think of, at least. Reassurance?

A hand on his sleeve, and he’d pulled her to her feet. How long had they stood there? His hair had been dry and his teeth chattering by the time she’d spoken again.

She’d cleared her throat, and her fingers twitched around his. “Water,” she’d whispered, voice hoarse.

She’d let go of him and crouched, grabbing his (its?) arms. “Water,” she’d repeated, voice stronger, dragging him (it) towards the bank. “Koschei!” she’d snapped when he didn’t move. “Help me.”

He’d heard somewhere, maybe in a film, that the body lost weight after death—the soul leaving the body. Or maybe that was just the water.

It had taken almost ten minutes to wade away from the rocky area by the shore, delayed slightly by Theta slipping and getting her foot stuck between two boulders, and another one to maneuver the body and push it away into the stronger currents.

And then they’d just stood there, waist-deep in a river neither of them were sure they had the strength to pull themselves or each other out of, watching the moonlight break against the water.

She’d never brought it up again, and neither had he.

*

It was almost laughable how desperate they’d been to make everything seem normal. They hadn’t needed to at all.

Not that nobody had noticed—it’s always rather difficult to overlook a missing child. He’d seen maybe one or two police officers on the first day, overheard a phone call on the third, and then nothing. He’d expected them to forget about him, but the speed at which everything had blown over had been astounding—nothing to spoil their good reputation, he supposed. Better to say a troubled child had run away then admit to having lost a perfectly normal one.

Troubled child. That’s what they’d started calling him.

They’d found the body a week later, bloated and rotted almost beyond recognition (or so he’d heard), caught on an overhanging branch a few miles down the River Irvine. Slipped and fell. How sad. This is why you have curfew. Their condolences. Please file all paperwork to a third-party outsource.

Torvic haunted the halls the way a graveyard haunts a highway, which is to say he didn’t. His room was cleaned, his name wiped from lists and his projects sorted neatly into files that vanished into cabinets that would never open again. There wasn’t anywhere a ghost could linger.

Nobody had even looked in their direction, and he’d felt his first stirs of what he’d later learn was called vindication.

*

If Koschei were more poetic, he’d have described their relationship as waves against a shore.

He didn’t want poetry. That had always been her.

There would be weeks where the most he’d see of her would be a flash of russet hair in the corridor, and she’d once gone a month skipping every class they’d shared (Which was, unfortunately, most of them. He’d ended up tracking her down in the art studio a week into the latest session of her silent treatment, and ended up with a tub of paste upended over his head for his troubles). Never for any reason he was privy to, and always coming back on her own terms. Never apologizing, either, or offering explanations; just sliding into the seat next to him or kicking his window open in the dead of night, regardless of time or roommates.

“It’s an asylum,” she’d stated one night, as blunt and self-assured as their very first conversation where she’d proclaimed her own cleverness, after a week of leaving every time he entered a room. She’d been lying upside-down on Vansell’s bed, hair brushing the floor and feet kicked up against the wall. Her heels had left scuffs on his posters that the other boy hadn’t stopped bitching about for weeks. “Clearly.” She’d hit another growth spurt recently, and her limbs had been long and gangly, like those of a newborn foal. She’d relished towering over him.

“Obviously,” he’d agreed, scratching out a word in his essay.

That wasn’t to say that he’d been entirely blameless, though. Fine, maybe he’d made a snide comment or three, and maybe his methods of retaliation were a bit cruel, and maybe throwing her bag out the window after finding her kissing Vansell (ugh) in their bathroom had been a bit much.

In his defence, he wasn’t the only one with a tendency to overreact. No matter what he’d said, the soup in his lap had definitely been unnecessary.

*

He wondered why anybody had been surprised when she started running away.

Not that she’d ever gotten far. Clever though she was, very few people were willing to pick up a hitchhiker in a dirty school uniform in the dead of night, and even she couldn’t walk all the way to Glasgow (though that hadn’t stopped her from trying).

“What the hell are you even trying to do?” he’d asked one night after she’d been dragged back, disgruntled and smelling like hot garbage, by an officer who’d worn on his face the weariness of a man who’d done a job a hundred times, and knew he’d have to do it another hundred times more. “No, don’t answer that,” he’d said, cutting her off. “Seriously, what are you doing?”

She’d shrugged, looking put-together in a way he’d never have expected from someone who’d reportedly been caught chasing a fox into an alley. “The tea’s better in Darvel,” she’d said primly.

He’d stared at her. “We have an exam tomorrow,” was all he’d managed to say.

“I know.”

“And you were in Darvel.”

“Newmilns, actually,” she’d said cheerfully. “Charming couple on the road, they gave me a lift.”

“No, they didn’t.”

“Well, they were going to.” She’d rolled her eyes, and Koschei had considered screaming. “But then the police caught up.”

“Fuck’s sake.” He’d felt faint.

“What?”

“You—” He’d scrubbed his hands down his face. His face had been prickly with the beginnings of stubble that she’d teased him mercilessly for (she’d pretended to sand a block of wood against his jaw at one point, and he’d hidden Ushas’s keys and told her Theta had been the one to take them. The fallout had been extraordinary). “You can’t just walk around Scotland.”

“Why not?” she’d asked. “I’ve been doing it, haven’t I?”

“You’re going to get expelled, at this rate,” he’d said, irritated.

“Don’t care,” she’d said.

“Yes, you do,” he snapped.

“No, I don’t.”

“Well, you should.”

“Why?”

“What are you even trying to do?” he’d asked again.

“There’s a pub in Drumclog I think you’ll like,” she’d said. “The Thursday night barman lets me in after happy hour.”

“Where would you even go?”

“The botanical gardens, I think. Or Loch Ness. We could find Nessie! Ooh, what about the Science Centre? I heard—”

“Theta.”

She’d shrugged. “Does it matter?” she’d asked.

“Yes, actually.”

And, just like that, her face had shuttered and she’d stood. “No.”

The door had slammed behind her.

*

He wishes he remembered the last time he saw her better. ‘Course, he hadn’t known it would be the last time. Still.

He’d never been particularly fond of Christmas, as a concept or in general. He’d liked the presents when he was younger, but even those had lost their shine as he’d gotten older. And that was to say nothing of the whole family aspect. He counts himself lucky that the endless list of uncles and aunties and cousins from his mother’s side hadn’t driven him insane.

He’d gotten into an argument with someone (Cousin? Grandparent? Family friend that wandered in for cake twenty years ago and kept showing up ever since? He didn’t remember, and he didn’t care), and gone to his room to brood (he did not, no matter what Drax said, sulk).

(It had been a spacious room, he remembered. Not the largest in the house, but far from the smallest. He hadn’t been back in years, not since his father’s funeral. He couldn’t say he missed it.)

He’d have been reading a book, probably, or something. Playing the drums, maybe, just to annoy his family, if he’d been really peeved.

He’d heard a knock at his window, and, suddenly, he’d been eight years old again. Snow had piled on his rug and he’d squinted against the blast of chill air as she clambered in.

“What are you doing here?” She’d been shaking, he remembered, and he’d chalked it up to nothing but the cold. She’d been shoeless, socks soaked through.

She’d shaken her head, dragging trembling fingers through tangled, stringy hair. She’d opened her mouth, then closed it again. “See you,” she finally managed. Her cheeks were red with cold, and her lips were tinged a blue that was almost black.

Something worth crossing the country in the middle of the night for, apparently.

He hadn’t noticed the red under her fingernails.

She hadn’t spoken for the rest of the night, something Koschei never would have thought possible before. He hadn’t asked, no matter how much he’d wanted to, and he doubted she’d have told him, anyways, even under normal circumstances. So he’d sat there, next to Theta, trembling in her cocoon of blankets and jackets. They’d fallen asleep like that, and, when he woken up, she’d been gone, along with his jumper.

It had been, in a way, he supposed one could argue, his fault. For not stopping her, for encouraging her, for being a co-conspirator, or an influence (good or bad, he didn’t know—it was up for debate), or whatever they’d deemed to call him.

“I told you that girl was no good,” his grandfather had said during breakfast, eyes on him as he shouted to the whole table. “I told you, didn’t I? Nothing good can come from someone like her, I told you. Told you to drop her, didn’t I? That girl’s no good, I told you, didn’t I? You remember, don’t you, I told you, nothing good comes from hanging around—”

He’d nodded mutely, thumbing the corner of the newspaper with his thumb.

It hadn’t been the most flattering thing, the mugshot. At least they’d spelt her name right.

*

He’d watched him through the window. He’d looked entirely too pleased with himself, nodding in mute delight and false thanks and basking in the shower of simpering sympathy. The bandage plastered on his face had been a stark, sterile white against the muted reds and browns of the rest of him, and he’d shivered at the sight of the mottled green and purple bruising stretching out around it. Atta girl, he’d almost muttered.

It had taken all of his inconsiderable self-control to not barge through the doors and finish the job for her.

(Which he had, of course. Eventually.)

It was almost a shame, he’d thought later as he’d peered over the crumbling edge of the cliff. The polish and shine of the twisted tires had gleamed under the moonlight, crushed beneath the crumpled shell of the stolen car.

He’d have liked to take off the bandage. Her handiwork deserved to be seen.

He’d dusted off his jeans, then turned and began the long walk back home.

*

He’s never been good at forgetting.

[justsomeuselessvoid]

Halsey- Manic (review and analysis)

Ashley- I’m really loving the instrumentals on this song. It reminds me of an idea floating through space and time. Perhaps the idea is to let go of a relationship that isn’t there anymore but is still floating around for reminiscent purposes. I also think the movie quote is a great way to end such a beautiful, strongly vocalized piece and it goes without saying that it’s the perfect transition into the next song.

Clementine- so while I was going further research on this album, I came across the initial intent behind this song. There are two meanings being voiced in this song. When she sings “I don’t need anyone,” one voice is calm while the other voice is happy. The shouting suggests a state of mania while the normal singing voice is while she is experiencing a depressive state. I like how this is incorporated into the whole idea of the album. It also seems like one of those songs where the fans would appreciate shouting.

I’m also coming across some meanings of my own. The theory that artists are depressed is represented in this song strongly. So when she sings this live, I’d imagine she would maybe sing the chorus instead of shouting it (I’ve never seen her live but trust me it’s on my bucket list.) So artists are constantly involved in making their fans happy. The fans would be screaming this song at the top of their lungs while she sings it.

I am also noticing some parallels which I am a huge fan of. She starts the song off by saying “I'd like to tell you that my sky's not blue, it's violent rain,” while in the song Hurricane off of Badlands, she says “I’m the violence in the pouring rain,” and I absolutely love that reference.

Graveyard- I enjoy this song A LOT. I feel like she went in the right direction choosing this song and the single “Without Me,” to promote her album. I have to say that it sums up the album perfectly. This song discusses the turmoil within a harmful relationship and how she would have stayed had she ignored red flags.

You should be sad- I might get some backlash for this but this song isn’t for me. I love how she is experimenting with different genres of music on this album but I have never been a fan of country style music. I would just find it more enjoyable if I liked country. However, it is not a bad song at all, it just isn’t for me. It lowkey gives me a Carrie Underwood ``Before He Cheats” vibe though, which I am totally on board with.

Forever...(is a long time)- THIS IS WHAT IM FUCKING TALKING ABOUT.  This song is seriously a certified banger. It starts off with a somewhat happy melody and slowly transitions into a somber piano melody which is beautifully written. Then she belts it out with the lyrics “Build love, build God, build provinces. Build calluses, break promises ‘Cause I could never hold a perfect thing and not demolish it.” I also love how distortion is added on her voice mixed in with a haunting organ in the background. She ends the song with, “talk to your man, tell him he’s got bad news coming,” which I think is absolutely iconic, and yet another great transition into the next song.

Dominic’s Interlude- This song is definitely influenced by music in a different era. I like whatever effect they used on his voice in this song. This would advocate that another person sees the toxicity within her relationship within their perspective, as the lyrics suggest.

I HATE EVERYBODY- I feel like a lot of people can relate to this song and I think hearing it live would be such a cool thing to experience. This was definitely written for fans to scream at the top of their lungs.

3am- The rock influences are without a doubt prominent in this song, and it would be so cool to experience live. She often talks about her rock influences and I'm happy she decided to make it known within her music. I think it works really well for her various influences intervened throughout the album. The song talks about how different relationships affect her and the people she surrounds herself with. These relationships are, however, temporary to avoid loneliness and wishes they were more than just physical.

Without Me- At the end of the previous song, she incorporated a voicemail that praises the fact that this is her best song. I think she is absolutely proud of this song (trust me I listened to it a million fucking times when it came out) and that’s why she put it in the song. Anyway, I think this is a very delicate way of saying “fuck you, I don’t need you.” It’s a great single and I don’t have much to say other than it is absolutely perfect.

Finally // beautiful stranger - She talks about how she comes across a stranger who she is interested in pursuing a relationship with. However, she is afraid to continue in fear that this person is going to take advantage of her because of previous relationships. In light of this conflict, she is hoping that this person stays because she likes this person. I like the guitar progression in this song and the strongly vocalised pieces throughout.

Alanis’ Interlude - It wouldn't be a Halsey album without her pride in being bisexual, and this song does a perfect job in doing so. It starts off with Alanis’ famous strong vocals and delves into pumping drum beats. The lyrics suggest sexual innuendos referring to her physical relationship with the same sex. It established how she feels the same about women as she does men and it does not make a difference to her. She feels strongly about the idea that labels mean nothing and how she longs for acceptance. She also wanted Alanis to feature in the song because of how she impacted her musical endeavors. I love her feature in this song and the harmonies between Halsey and Alanis are ON POINT.

Killing boys- topping things off with another great revenge song. I noticed how she includes “you don’t need me anymore” in the beginning of a song and she ends the song with “I don't need you anymore,” which symbolizes the progress of getting over someone. I would have to say this is my favorite song off the album besides Alanis’ Interlude.

SUGA’s Interlude- I didn’t like this song at first, mainly because I never got into Kpop. But it’s not necessarily a kpop song, which is what kept me entertained. It’s starting to grow on me recently. This song indicates the struggle of wanting to keep going forward and giving up at the same time, which I had been struggling to find a song with this concept until this one came along. I think it is also just the struggle of being an artist and coming to a common ground of making people happy but also keeping yourself happy simultaneously.

More- I was reading up on this song, and she states how it is a song written about a person who does not exist yet. She is referring to her unborn child, which she has also stated having reproductive issues insinuating her struggle to have children. I was so unaware that this was the meaning behind the song and I am happy that she confirmed this because I’m certain that it would help a lot of people going through the same problem.

Still Learning- One of the main themes throughout this album are also condensed into this particular song. This one is heavy on the idea of learning to love yourself, which she is relying on other people in order to obtain that benefit as suggested by other songs off of this album. This song, however, is learning to love yourself without the help of others. It also suggests the downsides of being a well known artist and how it’s difficult to maintain good self-esteem in such a career.

929- This song is just absolutely beautiful. It seems as if she summarized her entire life and somehow condensed it down into 3 minutes. The instrumentals are so simple, yet her lyrics are just rambling one intense subject onto the next. Everything she talks about in this song is powerful. It talks about moving, love, acceptance, growth, and so on. However, I wanted to talk about something worth noting. Before this album came out, Halsey was doing a Q&A on Twitter and a fan pointed out how she stated this is going to be a very personal album. A fan has said, “I feel like you’ve said that about the last two albums,” and she responded with, “Nah. There’s two types of honesty. Answering a question with the truth and offering the truth without being asked. This is the latter.” This is a perfect ending to such a beautifully written album.

I'm giving this album a strong 9 out of 10.  Let me just say that it is INSANELY hard for me to say anything bad about this album if i'm being completely honest. I’ve been listening to it constantly and keep discovering things that I would have never guessed. She hit the nail on the head with the themes and the overall state of mania in this album. An emotional roller coaster for sure.

[spicyyy-muffin]

Little bit of love

Harry Styles x reader

Warnings: Talk of past abuse, or unloving parents and friends. 

Summary: You are a musician, harry’s a musician, and maybe you guys love eachother, but that’s figured out later on. 

A/n: I’m seriously considering turning this into a series because there’s so many different directions i can take it, so if you guys like it, please let me know, and ill give you whatever you want!  my masterlist ;)

you were a musician. you worked every day. put in every single thing you could. dreamed it even more. this is what you wanted. you didn’t want the fame. or the red carpets. you just wanted to wake up every day knowing that you put in everything you possibly could, and you never settled. 

You had met Ed Sheeran, and Adele on two separate occasions, which led you to meeting Tyler Johnson and Kid Harpoon. You didn’t ask anything of them, just light talk, some mediocre musician jokes, talking about Stevie Nicks, when Tyler had invited you to come to the studio. 

“y/n come play a few cords with us in our studio yeah?” 

He nudged ed who was on his right, in the middle on a swig of his strawberry tequila.  

“mmmm yeah! played with the guys for awhile, even now when im feelin a little under tha weather, i go in. serious fun, give it a whirl!” 

you sat amused at what ed was saying, “yes! yes of course, that would be so much fun!” 

and so you did. once a week turned into twice a week, three times a week, and then eventually you found yourself coming every day. Clare Uchima, who you had become ridiculously close with in the short amount of time, had suggest that you damn well might as well work for them. 

And in all hell you wanted nothing more, but it was more complicated than just signing a contract. everyone else had to be okay with it, harry being the main one who had to truly want you on the payroll. and maybe in reality it wasn’t that difficult to become apart of the team, but you had overthought it so much, that it seemed out of the question.

but never the less of course, thoughout the months that this process took place, you had gotten very close with the entire band, Harry included. but it seemed Clare and Tyler were the people you spent most of the time making music with, and the people who teased you on the harry matter every chance they could. 

today clare and you had just got done with dissecting six different tiny little thrift shops in the tiny London town, discussing the aspects of how your life was going to chance in a couple weeks when they wanted to move locations back to LA to record a few songs. 

“I don’t clare, i just feel like, you know Harry, and Tyler, and Kid, and all of you guys have so many people already on production, and recording, and making, lighting. you could literally go to war, but i don’t want you all to feel obligating to signing me onto the pay roll just because i come bring you blueberry muffins every saturday morning.” 

You were shifting through the variety of clothes in the bin, not paying attention to the girl who stopped her scavenging and was now toe to toe with you. 

“y/n you are not a means of dead end. sure your blueberry muffins are absolutely to die for-” 

she nudged your shoulder. 

“but we all love you so much, even harry!” 

you laughed rolling your eyes, she never failed to bring up yours and harry’s ever lasting romance, which was not there...

“seriously! last saturday morning when we were messing around with the new guitar stevie bought harry, when you were brought up into the conversation, and i swear harry was like a little boy, whining about how i steal you too much and he wishes he could get more time with you!” 

“Harry?” 

“Yes, silly!” 

“god why do you keep stealing me when i can be spending time with harry.” you teased. 

“god when you two are finally together, im gonna make you a fucking cake that says ‘i told you so’ on it”

Walking up the little sidewalk path, and into the studio, clare still teasing you, and you just turning red at her comments. 

She stopped at the foggy glass door, when she paused, patting her pockets, cursing to herself. 

“god im so sorry y/n can you run back out to the car, i think i left my fucking phone in the console.” She looked at you with pure sorrow. 

“yeah! of course no problem, i’ll go grab it and meet you back.” she handed you her keys, and you handing her the tiny gift bags that you had bought for the rest of them, turning your heel, and making your way back into the car. 

It felt like you were outside digging in the damn car for an hour, when you finally found her found, logged underneath the drivers seat, classic clare. 

You were pushing into the room once more, eyes locked on her keys and her phone which you were currently holding. 

“damn clare you-” 

everyone was sitting there. balloons filled the room, a cake on the desk, followed by the cutest people you come to know in the past few months. 

“surprise!” 

harry, kid, tyler, mitch, clare, sarah, and adam. sitting in the little office room staring at you with smiles stretched upon their faces.

your face was undoubtably scorched, and sarah running into you pulling you into a big hug was no help. 

“su-suprise? but i haven’t done anything special?” you questioned. 

“so your song from ‘Green Book’ having a grammy nomination isn’t special?” Mitch looked up at you with curiosity.

“H-how d-you even know about that holy hell.” 

Tyler went into detail about how Clare had spoken to him about how excited you were when you first found out, telling her you didn’t want to rain on harry’s or anyone else’s parade for that matter by telling the rest of them. but eventually when nominations came out, last night, they all immediately found out anyway.

within this time however you failed to notice harry making his way from behind the desk, walking over to you. 

until an arm wrapped around your waist, “congratulations love, thas incredible.” being murmured into your ear, his breath hitting your neck. 

you pulled away, meeting the green eyed mischievous man in front of you, not saying anything, but just pulling him into a hug. 

but you quickly pulled away in panic, trying but failing at meeting everyone’s eyes. 

“I really, realllly did not want to make a big deal out of this.” you looked at harry, “i know your album is in the making, and you are all going to california very soon, and-” 

harry pulled you back into his chest, “woulda stop worryin your little head for 5 minutes hm? we are equals yeah? we should all support, and push the people we love to do the things they love, and I know for a fact, you woulda made me blueberry muffins, hell even go so far as the last dollar in your bank account to support me. so why wouldn’t we do the same for you?” 

you wanted to cry. absolutely bawl. you had never felt this kind of support in your entire life. growing up, fucking sucked. you seeked validation from your parents, but it always fell through. you supported your friends, but they never showed you the same. so finally feeling supported was so emotional, you couldn’t put it into words. 

but when you covered your mouth, a few tears escaping the closed lids of your eyes. the music was immediately turned off, and the room fell silent. 

harry ushered you into his arms, “was it something i said? whats wrong angel?” 

you kinda just stood there in the awkwardness, choking back a few sobs, feeling harry lifting his head looking around the room for answers, but not getting anything. 

his hands grabbed your cheeks, where your face was pressed against his chest, but you closed your eyes. they were such good people, they didn’t need to see you like this. 

“come on dove, open those pretty little eyes for me please?” 

“im sorry, im sorry- i- you guys im so sorry, i jus-” 

“hey heyy, its okay, your okay, no need to be sorry, you haven’t got anything to be sorry moppet!” he laughed, which caused a little chuckle and a smile to be raised on your face. 

“i just, have never felt this loved before, so thank you guys, you have no idea how much this means to me.” 

Clare knew about your past, she knew how mistreated you were from the events your father put you through. and so that’s why she sort of weaseled her way between you and harry to grab you and pull you into your arms. 

under her breath, into your ear making sure no one could hear, “its okay babe, that wasn’t love, but it’s over now yeah? you got us now right?” you smiled, pulling away wiping tears off your puffy cheeks. Tyler was also the only one who knew, and by the time you looked he was already by your side giving you a hug. 

Clare knew you didn’t like it when others knew about your past, it just wasn’t you were. you weren’t that girl anymore, yesterday didn’t define you. 

But do to him standing too close, harry still pick up on the words. not batting an eye, or looking for answers, just stilling, knowing that if you wanted to tell him you could. 

mitch clapped his hands. “okay! lets get back to the celebrating yeah? I think our little nominee needs to open her gift.” 

you were pushed into one of the chairs at the table, everyone else slowing filling in. 

Harry was on your right, Tyler on your left, and Clare right in front of you. 

“you guys seriously did not need to get me anything, all i want is to be around you is all” you laughed. 

“oh we know, but I think this might be your favorite gift.” Clare pressed. 

“You are my favorite gift, so no, it won’t be” you smiled. 

when suddenly an arm reached over your shoulder dropping a single, but large envelope on the wooden table. 

you looked over at harry questioning. 

“guess your gonna have to open it up and see for yourself.” 

all eyes were on you now. 

you grabbed it, slowing unsealing, “you all are gonna be the death of me.” 

you looked inside, there was a bundle of papers, so you pulled them out spreading them across the table. they were contracts, 

You here by allow the personnel, y/n y/l/n, to play, wright, perform, with the cooperation ‘Harry Styles’ 

you skipped past all of words, but nonetheless harry’s signature was at the bottom. 

the rest of the papers, were the members and the producers signatures as well. 

and then an finally an empty contract lay in front of you, asking for your acceptance. 

you looked at tyler “is this real” 

you looked at harry “you’re not” 

“as real as the hair on me bum” you stood up your chair falling to the ground, you engulfed harry in the biggest hug you could muster up. 

“i owe you so much” 

“you owe me nothing pet, we’d be so happy for you to be apart of who we are, you are already are love, you just haven’t signed a contract. we’ve all known for a while that it was just a matter of time before you were helpin me out on stage yeah? 

there was nothing you wanted more. than to be with them. and so you signed, it was followed by everyone going out to dinner for the real celebration, and then Adam’s favorite pub. 

You would never mention how you loved the fact that Harry’s hand seemed to find yours as the night unfolded, every chance he got he took. 

And maybe, just maybe, when he walked you to the little home you were renting for the time being, you might have loved the fact that he gave you one last hug, placing his hands on the underside of your jaw, pressed a kiss to your cheek. 

yeah, you could most definitely get used to this life. 

my masterlist ;)- im open for requests too!

a/n: if you liked it please please let me know, i kinda wanna turn this into a series, or at least make a few chapters. other than that thank you for reading lovely<3

[socialoutsiderwritings]

Carpool Harryoake

 Harry Styles x Reader

 A/N: Uhm I’m in literal tears because this fine ass is turning 25 in like 3 days .... WOWOWOW my hearttttttttt. Also , i don’t own any of the song’s (lyrics)???? Lyrics are in italics. It’s probably written really weird with like the lyrics and everything but I literally dreamt this and I had to write it.

 Songs : I do it so well - the struts , isnt she lovely -stevie wonder , smells like teen spirit - nirvana , one thing , diana , over again , wolves - one direction.

  “I’m so nervous,” you spoke to Harry. “I already told them I can’t sing. I’m literally tone deaf.” You laugh. “I hope they cut my nagging out.” You laugh and reach towards the radio to play the first song. 

  I've been talking shit almost every single day Walking down the streets of sunny LA Watch me now, walk, talk, movin' 'round the corner, "Hello" I work harder than a sauna

I've been flying high almost every single day

Pushin' all my luck, it's goin' my way

Kiss me now, tongues, hands slidin' into places, "Hello" Speed up, picking up the paces

Why don't you ring it, come and ring it Come and ring my bell Why don't you bring it, come and bring it Come and bring me hell Don’t I do it so well? I do it so well Don't I do it so well? Uh-huh Girl, you're my holy, you're my holy You're my holy grail Yeah I'm a star, yeah I'm a star I'm a five-star hotel Don't I do it so well? I do it so well Don't I do it so well? Honey

 “I love that song!” You exclaim. “It really got me pumped.” 

 “You should have let me drive. I never get to drive.” He playfully whined.

 “Oh , like you’re any better.” You playfully smacked him. “My first carpool karaoke , how am I doing so far?”

 “Uhm , well , you have a lot of energy and dance moves for someone who’s driving. Im a lil’ scared.” He confessed.

 “I can drive with my eyes closed , what are you talking about!” 

 “Oh my god! Please don’t do that.” He grabbed on to the wheel as he saw you close your eyes. You laughed before opening your eyes again.

“Today’s a special day , innit?”

Harry smiles, “it’s my birthday.”

“Tha’s right. You’re like , what , 30?” You joke. 

“Ha ha. No. I’m only 25 thank you very much. Let’s go back in time shall we?” You squealed in excitement when the familiar tune started playing thru the speakers.

  Isn't she lovely Isn't she wonderful Isn't she precious Less than one minute old I never thought through love we'd be Making one as lovely as she But isn't she lovely made from love

Isn't she pretty Truly the angel's best Boy, I'm so happy We have been heaven blessed I can't believe what God has done Through us he's given life to one But isn't she lovely made from love

  “Oh my God. I remember watching your audition and I got goosebumps all over. Look,” You held your arm out in front of him , “and you still manage to give me goosebumps again.” 

 “I was really nervous that day. I don’t know if you could notice it.” 

 “No , not even one bit. But I do remember the OUTFITS!” You cackle. Harry covered his face to hide the smile playing on his lips. “I mean , we’ve all had that phase.” You tell him to make him feel better. “I have pictures of me in just really really , you know , just dark edgy outfits. And not the fashionable kind. I had a bunch of band t-shirts that I paired with checkered skinny jeans and animal beanies and God it was bad.” You scrunch your face up at the memory. “And it was all heavy eyeliner and my arms were covered in bracelets up to my elbow. I can’t believe my mom let me go out like that.” 

 “You have to let me see those pictures.” He laughs. 

 “No way! Never in a million years.” 

“That’s not fair. You saw all of mine.”

 “Because they were pap shots.” You mocked him. “I actually probably burned all of them if I’m honest.”

 “You listened to a lot of rock music back in the day then?” 

“Oh yeah.” You nodded. “Still do. My taste in music is all over the place. If I like I like it , really. But really my heart will always belong to punk rock.”

 “So do you know this one?” He smirks. You pause the song when you recognize it and look at Harry.

 “You know I do! But its gonna have to be all you , because I will literally shatter all the windows on this car if I even attempt to sing this.” Harry ignores you and plays the song. “Oh my god.” 

Load up on guns, bring your friends It's fun to lose and to pretend She's over-bored and self-assured Oh no, I know a dirty word

Hello, hello, hello, how low Hello, hello, hello, how low Hello, hello, hello, how low Hello, hello, hello

You look out the window and notice the girls in the car next to you are waving at you while recording you with their cellphones in their other hand. You tap Harry and he props himself up on his arm to look over. He waves at them and tells them to sing with you two.

With the lights out, it's less dangerous Here we are now, entertain us I feel stupid and contagious Here we are now, entertain us A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido Yeah, hey

 The car behind you honks for you to go and you wave at them before speeding off. “That was good.”

 “I heard you used to have a lot of One Direction poster sin your room when you were younger.” Harry giggles.

 “I did. And I have no shame.” You point out. “Plus I know my sister told you and I know she’s gonna watch this so,” You look directly in to the camera , “you better watch your back cuz you’re gonna pay for revealing classified information.” You joke. “Plus,” you turn your attention back to Harry, “it’s not like every other girl in the world didn’t have posters of you boys at one point in their life.”

 “You were a pretty big fan then?” You nod. “Well then let’s play a game. I’ll play a song and we have to figure out what lyric comes after.”

 “I am gonna murder you in this game. I know ALL of them.”

 “I was in the band!” He argues. 

 “Yeah , yeah.” You wave a dismissive hand at him. “Are we doing all the albums or?”

 “All of the albums. Are you ready?” He says as he holds the phone in his hands.

 “I was born ready , baby.” He laughs and presses play.

Now I’m climbing the walls. But you don’t notice at all. That I’m going out of my mind. All day and All night.

“Easy!” You yell when he presses pause. “So get out , get out get outta my head. And fall in to my arms instead. I don’t , I don’t don’t know what it is. but I need that one thing.” You belt out with passion.

 “I gave you an easy one. Ok , next one.”

 Let me be the one to lift your heart up and save your life. I don’t think you even realize Baby , you’d be saving mine. Diana

“Oh shit.” You laugh. “Wait no, I know this.” 

 Harry cups his hands over his mouth , “Fake fan. Fake fan.” He chants.

 “No! I know this one..” you tap your fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, “Ok no. I don’t know.” You slowly lower your head so your forehead is resting on the steering wheel and fake sob when you reach the stoplight.

 Harry mockingly clears his throat, “It’s only been four months but you’ve fallen down so far. How could someone mislead you at all? I wanna reach out for ya. I wanna break these walls. I speak a different language But I still hear your call.” He sings. You turn your head to face him and he pretends to drop a mic.

“We’re tied! So it doesn’t count.” You sit up straight again. You focus back on the road as Harry chooses another song. 

 And I can lend you broken parts That might fit like this And I will give you all my heart So we can start it all over again

 “Again we can take the same road two days in the same clothes And I know just what she’ll say if we i can make all this pain go Can we stop this for a minute You know I can tell you that your heart isn’t in it or with it. Tell me with your mind body and spirit , I can make your tears fall down like the showers that are British,” You drag a fake tear down your cheek , “whether we’re together or apart We can both remove the masks and admit that we regret it from the start. If you’re-” Harry places a hand over your mouth.

 “I get it. You know the lyrics.” He deadpans. “You’re so competitive.” He jokes.

 Your jaw drops at his comment , “me? Look who’s talking.” You laugh.

 “Last one.”

I aint up for debating , Aint enough for the taking , You got the whole world shaking.

 “in the middle of the night when the wolves come out , headed straight for your heart like a bullet in the dark. One by one , I gotta take them down But you run and hide , aint goin down without a fight.” You and Harry sing in unison.

“No , it’s almost over.”

 “Thank God. I’m starting to lose my hearing.” He covers his ears.

 “Rude.” He laughs and reaches over to give you a quick squeeze. “Anyway,” you playfully push him away, “this last one is one of my favorites. So we’re gonna do something big.” You smile mischievously. 

 “Now I’m really scared.” He tells you as you pull in to a parking lot of a bar. You hand him a blindfold and he hesitates before grabbing it form your hand. “You’re joking?” You smile as you shake your head. “You know this is recording right?”

 “Harry , just put it on.” You tell him before stepping out of the car.

 “You’re missing the main part of carpool karaoke.” He yells at you before you slam the driver’s door shut. You wait for him to put on the blindfold before grabbing his hand and helping him out of the car. “The last time I went along with something like this , a stripper was involved.” He told you as you continued to lead him. 

 “Yeah , well you’re not getting that lucky today.” You stopped when you finally made it inside. “On the count of three,” you let go of his arm and walked away from him , “take off the blindfold. One , two , three.”

 “Happy birthday to you,” you , his mom , Gemma, James and a few of his other friends began to sing when he removed the blindfold. He couldn’t help the grin that made its way on to his face. Anne lit the candles on his cake as everyone continued to sing. He wiped away the tears of job from his eyes before they could make their way down his face. 

 “You were in on this?” He points to James as he walks over to him when you had all finished singing. James just laughs and gives Harry a tight hug. He makes his way around the bar hugging and thanking all of his guests.

 “Hey. Don’t forget to blow out the candles.” You call to him. He rushes back tot he table where the cake is , “Make a wish birthday boy.” You smirk.

 “I think you know what I want.” He whispers to you , before lowering himself and blowing out the candles. 

-------------

Part 2 COMING SOON 

[toplesstaylor]

Sweet Like Honey ~ Part 2 (Roger Taylor x OC)

A/N: Ok im sorry this took so long!!! Im like sort of happy with this? Not that much but kinda?? At least the dialogue is nice i suppose um yeah!! Ok so I’ve been listening to Billie Eilish’s new album for a good two weeks now and thats probably why there’s a whole paragraph comparing Honey to the devil? Anyways, enjoy!! (Thanks to @angrylizardjacket for inspiring me to actually write)

Words: around 2000.

Warnings: cursing, alcohol (but not heavily), literally one mention of the word threesome and that’s it. Also devil things.

Tag list: I moved it to the bottom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He couldn’t lie, she was at least somewhat pretty. But those goddamn little words bugged him enough to not even notice it.

Roger didn’t get it at first, but seeing Freddie and John’s mischievous grins, he could guess there was some sort of bet going on. And those words, “he’ll do.”, what the hell was that supposed to mean? He was sure he didn’t know the pretty brunette girl behind the bar, though if she didn’t have that amused glint in her eyes he might have wanted to. She was leaning on her arms, taking in every inch of him. Roger didn’t like it at all, he was used to it, at least sort of, but the way she did it was just… strange.

The Red Rover seemed like a good place for a gig, though the band didn’t get paid enough to really call it a gig. It was more of a publicity stunt for them at this point, they liked performing at the college hall Brian arranged for them much more. But you need to get a crowd from somewhere, and bars never hurt. Especially if any girl in a five foot ratio throws themselves at you like you’re some kind of god.

Roger suddenly realised he was holding those girls, who now were trying to guide him towards their booth in the back of the bar. He really, really wanted to go, but that damn girl was too intriguing to let go.

So he shooed the girls away to their not-so-lucky friends, promising he’d be back in a bit. He didn’t know if that was going to be the case, but it was the easiest and certainly the quickest way to get rid of girls. He should know, the boys had sadly told him to leave them quite often, because apparently band bussiness was more important than ‘’your stupid little shag-fests.’’, Brian’s words, not Roger’s. But this was a personal matter, seeing the way the woman’s annoying grin seemed to be directed at him. Fred and Deaky were still watching the two of them, Roger wasn’t sure if there were sides involved, but if there were they were obviously for her. He looked around subtly, kind of hoping this was all meant for someone else so he could get back to the desperate girls gazing at him admirably from the back of The Red Rover. But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, miss demon, or at least she looked just as evil, behind the bar there was most certainly looking at him. She wasn’t really a demon though, she had far too pretty eyes for that. Long wavy brown hair and slightly tanned skin, even perfectly olive eyes. She was more like a fallen angel than devilish, but the way she looked at him betrayed her. That wasn’t heavenly at all, the cunning and dangerous fire in it was all too diabolical. He could already see her making a plan, a game for him. Roger was never one to turn down a game.

So he walked over to the bar, positioning himself between the boys, and ordered a beer.

“Where’s Brian?” He asked, it was directed at Fred and John, but the girl, who stood with her back to him before placing the glasses on the bartop, answered instead.

“He’s… busy.”

“And how would you know?” He didn’t mean for it to sound so rude, he didn’t know that girl, why even bother? And yet.

“He’s trying to get that girl over there in his bed, and since I know that girl, I thought it be best to investigate a little.”

“Is that why you were so nice to us?” Freddie faux-gasped, to which she responded with a wink.

“No darling, you were actually quite good, but you gotta look out for your girls, right?” The woman said, sliding a beer over the counter to Roger.

“I guess… so we’re coming back, huh?” He said.

“If Destiny favours you, sure.”

“Destiny?”

“Jack’s wife. He owns the place, but I’m pretty sure she actually runs it.”

“Who are you? I’ve been here before, and I’ve never seen you.”

“I’m Honey, that’s all you need to know.”

“I’d like to know more, Honey.”

“Maybe if you tip me well, i can tell you a little more.” another wink.

And that was the end of the conversation, since she turned her back to them and walked towards the other end of the bar.

~~~~~~~~

The rest of the night went somewhat similar, more banter and winks and the occasional eye roll, it wasn’t very different from the other nights Honey’d had in the Red Rover.

She did like the company better, however. And so did Lane, who had stepped out of the back alley with her shirt half buttoned up and hair messy, with Brian right behind her. The other boys of the band had interrupted into a cheer, and the other bartenders followed suit.

Even the guy, Roger, wasn’t so bad. Though his ego didn't need to hear that. So she wasn’t going to tell him. Honey had seen him talking to the girls he was holding before, though it wasn’t a surprise when she saw the women leaving the building with two men that certainly weren’t Roger.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was 2 am now, and Honey’s “this is a shift but not by the english law” was over.

‘’What are you doing here?’’ a familiar voice said. It sounded a little raspy, perhaps because of the sigaret the owner of the voice was smoking. That owner turned out to be roger, sitting defeatedly on the bench in the alley next to The Red Rover.

‘’’Figuring out how to get back home.’’ Honey said, a little smirk playing on her lips. She sat down next to him, arm on the back of the bench behind him. It made him slightly uncomfortable, but he guessed that was her intent.

‘’maybe you could bring me?’’ She started, though she was cut off by Rogers snort.

‘’’Sorry, darling, i came by foot.’’ It was meant to dim that little smirk of hers, but it only fueled it more.

‘’Ah, foot fetish, i see?” Honey chuckled, taking a pack of cigarettes out of her coat.

It left him speechless. She seemed to have that effect on him.

‘’Alright, come on, i’m pretty sure you didn’t pay for that last beer.’’ Protest, but honey raised her finger to shush him. ‘’let me finish, you can make it up to me by walking me home.’’

After a full minute of grunts from roger, he finally gave in. Though he did have to say he wasn’t carrying her if she passed out, which ended up evoking a laugh from Honey.

“Boy, I don’t care what you say, I’m pretty sure I can take alcohol better than you.”

“Really? I think you’d be surprised. Maybe we should compete.” Roger said, lighting his second smoke of the evening. He was even nice enough to light honey’s.

“We’ll see.” She smirked.

““Do you work here every night? Or just the weekends?” Roger asked, he was a lot more genuine now, without the egoboost he got from being around so many willing girls. She wasn’t surprised he walked after her, she knew how to play her cards right, and he fell right for it. He wasn’t dumb or anything, just a bit… young. She hadn’t acted young in a long time.

“just the friday’s. I work at Harrison’s during the week.”

“Oh, Harrison’s! I know that place, god awful owner, but they got good burgers.” He half-laughed. Correct, Mister Harrison certainly wasn’t a delight. And yeah, they did have good burgers. But it wasn’t really fun, working there. Honey had begged Jack for a full time job for weeks, but he didn't need anymore staff, despite his fondness for the 19-year-old girl.

There fell a somewhat awkward silence between them, walking towards Honey’s apartment. It wasn’t horrible, the both of them were smoking and though she couldn’t say the same for him, she didn’t know of course, Honey always liked the peaceful quiet after a night out. She figured by the way he closed his eyes when he took a drag of his cigarette, Roger did too. He was pretty, sure. But not godly handsome, like the girls in the Rover seemed to think. He had nice eyes at the least.

After walking along the same lane of boring row houses for a few minutes, Roger suddenly turned his head towards her, looking her up and down. “Why me?”

“Why you?” She chuckled,

“Come on, there were at least three men more attractive than me in that bar, you knew I had a good shot at a threesome, and you still went after me. So yeah, why me?”

“Doubting yourself, golden boy?” Honey laughed, showing a little glint in her eyes that told him she was loving every second of this. It only made him more exasperated.

“Is it all some bloody game to you? Is it fun? You could’ve taken any guy back to your bed, sleep with them or fucking murder them, I wouldn’t be surprised, but you chose me.”

“I’m not sleeping with you.”

“Then why the hell am I here!” He was practically begging her, the grin on her face only growing bigger and bigger.

“Let me tell you one tiny thing, Roger , you didn’t have to say one single word to me all night, and yet, here you are. Now tell me, why me?”

She just stood there, waiting for his answer. But he didn't give her one, still baffled by her… just her, actually. So Honey turned on her heel and walked into the direction of her apartment.

The way to her apartment was getting more and more familiar to Roger, though he didn't think much of it. Maybe she lived in the area, Maybe she was staying at a friends’ house, he couldn’t care less. He was only figuring out how to get the last word in.

After finally catching up with her and more slightly tipsy arguing, Honey stopped in front of an old, dated flat.

“You live here?” Roger asked, trying to hide his smile.

“Yes, I do, actually. I live in a tiny attic that is way too expensive, I’m pretty sure the landlord hates me, and the heater just completely shuts off at night. Not day, Fucking night. But yes, I live here.” She glared at him, but he just broke into a full blown smug smile she had gotten to know oh so well in the last few hours.

“Mister Thompson never told me we had an attic. Or that it houses an insanely annoying girl with pretty eyes and a stupid name.”

He grinned at her, seeing her eyes widen a little with shock. But, of course, she had to have the last laugh.

“You think I have a pretty eyes?” She mocked, putting her hands above her heart and batting her eyelashes at him. Roger only sighed, this was going to be a very long game.

Honey was already holding the door open for him, looking at him

expectantly while he was reavalueting his life choices.

“If you actually live here, wouldn't you want to come in?” She chuckled, and she rolled her eyes at him when he finally awoke from his thoughts. He just stared at her with “why do you do this to me.” eyes, but followed anyways.

They walked up the stairway in amused annoyance of the other, until they stopped at apartment 2C. Honey was already on the first step towards her own apartment when she saw him hesitate to open his door.

“You think we'll see eachother again?” Roger asked, smiling just a little bit.

“Do you want to?” Honey grinned, it was only natural. “I think so, same bar, same friends, same fucking building too, there's no getting out of it now.”

“I never said i wanted to.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: I actually don’t have one but uhm yeah sorry.

[bohemian-napsodyy]

Teach Me Your Heart

Request: “Can I ask what If like , rami(Freddie Mercury) gets a co star in the bohemian Rhapsody movie right (it’s au) and the actress sings in the movie , but in real life is a pop star , and rami(and Freddie ) falls for her ( like how David Bowie sang in labyrinth, but he’s a real life singer” -- requested by @angelfuzzy2

Word Count: 3.1k (im sorry)

Warnings: there’s a bit of anxiety that happens (not a full on panic attack though) -- just wanted to keep everyone aware

A/N: Thank you for being so patient with me for this one! I’m sorry it took me a while to get it done, but I really enjoyed working with this idea. The title is a line from a song called Meant by Zach Winters, an incredibly beautiful song that helped to inspire the plot for this :) if you like, you can listen to it here.  

PS: there’s a song mentioned at the end that i deliberately chose to remain ambiguous, so you can pick your favourite/best song to insert in for that scene :) it’ll make sense when you get to that part, i promise

You weren’t sure what to call the events that occurred all within one week, but you knew it was more than just a coincidence.

Performing was in your bones. You were born for it. There was nothing else you’d rather do. Just the thought of working a normal nine-to-five job made you crumple a little inside. You had spent your entire childhood putting on shows for relatives at holiday gatherings, and now that you were older you realized acting was your thing. And singing. You were so passionate about music, you couldn’t go a single day without picking up your guitar for at least an hour.

You had an agent for acting, and you had a YouTube channel up for your music. It wasn’t much, but at least you were putting yourself out there somehow. You had started to get discouraged though -- it had been almost two years and you had only gotten minor roles for local productions. Not to mention you were lucky if you managed to get over one hundred views on your music uploads.

Sure, you submitted an audition tape for a film about Freddie Mercury, which definitely seemed like a big deal, but you never heard back. It had been four months since you submitted your audition, and by now you were ready to give up the possibility of hearing back from the producers.

Nine-To-Five Nightmares were approaching faster than you thought. You weren’t sure how much longer you could afford to continue pursuing a career in performing arts.

Then out of the blue, or what you liked to call ‘some weird interference from Up There Somewhere’, you got a call.

Two, actually.

The first one was from a representative at Atlantic Records, calling to say they had seen your covers and original songs on YouTube. They thought you had potential. Lots of it. They wanted to sign you and have you release an album by the end of the following year.

If that wasn’t enough, two days after the call from Atlantic Records, your agent contacted you. You had been cast as the lead singer of an opening act for Queen in Bohemian Rhapsody. Your character would go on to become close friends with Freddie and support him through his battle with AIDS.

You felt sorry for the neighbours -- you were screaming and jumping up and down so loudly after your agent broke the news to you, you were surprised the cops didn’t show up at your door.

That crazy mayhem of events left you where you were now: standing at the entrance to the set as many crew members hurried around you frantically.

‘Overwhelmed’ was nowhere near an appropriate term to explain how you felt right now.

“Hello, darling. It’s Y/N, isn’t it?”

You turned around to see Rami, already in costume as Freddie, smiling kindly at you. 

For a good moment or two, you forgot how to breathe.

Was it the hair and makeup? The wardrobe? You weren’t sure. There was definitely something about Rami that totally changed since you last saw him at the table read.

He really was Freddie.

“Hi,” You managed to breathe out, suddenly feeling rather dull in your sweater dress costume in comparison to Freddie’s -- no wait, Rami’s -- white monstrosity of an outfit.

“Ready to perform, then?” Rami asked, his eyes gleaming. He definitely noticed you checking him out, oh god...

You managed a shrug, calling on all your strength as you inhaled to regain your composure. “I guess,” you replied. “But I mean, we’ll have plenty of takes to perfect it, right? So there’s no reason to be nervous, really.” You weren’t sure who you were reassuring, Rami or yourself.

He blinked, and you weren’t sure what it was you said that made him so confused all of a sudden.

“What are you talking about, darling?” Rami asked you with a laugh, leaning forward casually and placing a hand gently on your arm. “It’s a concert, of course you’ve only got one shot. Where on Earth did you get this idea of ‘takes’ from?”

“You... I mean we... This is a film...?” You spluttered. Rami tightened his grip on your arm and leaned into you so your cheeks were almost touching.

“I know love,” he whispered, and for a split second he dropped the British accent. Your breath caught in your throat at the proximity between the two of you. “I’d prefer to stay in character even off camera. For now, Rami doesn’t exist, okay?”

Oh. So that’s why he was so confused a moment ago. To Freddie, the scene you were about to film was an actual performance.

You nodded, and just like that Freddie returned. He extended his hand out to you before nodding towards the stage. Perfect timing, in fact, as a small handful of crew members began making their way towards you to let you know they’d be filming your performance soon.

“Come on then, darling,” Freddie beckoned with a wink. “Get on that stage and blow us away, won’t you?”

“Filming is going well I hope?”

You lounged on the small battered couch in your trailer, a thin blanket around your shoulders as you pressed your phone to your ear. You had a couple hours before your next scene, and somewhere in that waiting time your music producer, David, had called to check in.

“Yeah... yeah, I think so.” You replied, setting further into the couch. It was 10 PM already, and you were doing your best to stay awake. “I was really nervous at first, but everyone’s really nice.”

You thought of one person in particular when you said ‘everyone’. 

“That’s great, Y/N. I’m glad to hear it. Remind me again, when is the movie coming out?”

“Later this year...” You frowned, running a hand through your hair as you tried to recall when exactly they planned to release Bohemian Rhapsody. “I think early November? Why?”

There was a shuffling of papers on the other line before David spoke again.

“Y/N, I had an idea. Remember how we initially agreed that you’d release your album in spring 2019?”

“Yeah...?” Your stomach dropped. Your intuition told you this wasn’t going a direction you’d like.

“I was thinking...” David continued. You silently wished you could reach through the phone and smack him. Why couldn’t he get to the point already? Your nerves were creeping up on you, and fast. 

“I think it would be best, for you personally as well as promotionally, if we set your album release date back for late November.”

“Of this year?” You spluttered, sitting up with a gasp. You were so startled, you didn’t hear your trailer door open quietly behind you.

“Yes, November of this year.” David answered with a laugh. You swallowed nervously. You only had written two songs so far, not nearly enough for a full-length album like David was expecting. You had been going by the impression that you had plenty of time after filming Bohemian Rhapsody to get your songs written out. 

“It makes sense, Y/N.” David continued. “You’ll have just finished promotion for Bohemian Rhapsody, you’ll have become a household name, and just as everyone is getting to know you, boom! We drop your album. Everyone will go nuts-”

You stopped listening to David ramble on as you were startled by Rami, who seemed to appear out of nowhere and sit down beside you on the couch. He frowned at you, nodding in question at your phone. You held up a finger in response, signalling him to wait.

“So that sounds good, Y/N? Let’s release your album, say, November 20th? Oh! One more thing, to have the full effect, keep this a secret. Just between us, okay?”

“O-okay.” You replied shakily. Your heartbeat had increased tremendously just thinking about trying to balance memorizing your lines, writing songs (in secret now nonetheless), and actually doing your job and acting over the next few months. Your anxious thoughts must have translated onto your face, because you noticed Rami was gazing at you with a concerned frown.

“Look David,” You said quickly, eager to get your producer off the phone. “They’re calling me now, I have to be on set to film.”

You hated lying, but you tried to reassure yourself that it could’ve been the truth. Perhaps that’s why Rami had come by anyway.

“Okay!” You hated how chipper David was. Especially when put into comparison with your own swarm of butterflies eating away at your insides. “We can talk more later. Happy filming!”

As soon as the line went dead, you rolled your eyes and chucked your phone onto the couch with a groan. Rami laughed quietly and placed a hand affectionately on your knee. 

“Bad day, darling? Even after that fucking brilliant performance you gave earlier?”

Oh, you realized with a faint sinking feeling. He was still Freddie.

It wasn’t that you disliked the fact that Rami stayed in character even when he wasn’t filming, but after all the chaos that just unfolded quickly around you, you needed someone real to talk to. 

But you couldn’t just tell Rami that. 

You sighed, sandwiching your phone between the couch cushions so you wouldn’t have to look at it and be reminded of David and his stupid, yet admittedly logical, plan.

“You could call it a bad day, yeah.” You grumbled. Rami, no, Freddie, leaned back against the couch and raised his eyebrows at you.

“Do go on, sweetheart,” He encouraged with a smile. “You may be in the presence of royalty, but I’ll listen.” Freddie finished his sarcastic quip with a wink.

You rolled your eyes, but still managed a smile. A part of you still longed to talk to Rami, but you didn’t know if you’d offend him by asking.

For now, you’d just have to talk to Freddie and hope that would be enough.

“What do you do when people try to... control you... and get you to do things their way?” You asked with a frown as you tested the waters. Freddie looked down for a moment as he took in your question.

“Easy,” he said with a smirk, tapping your knee playfully as he did so. “I’d tell them to fuck off.”

“And then?” You asked, mostly to humour him at this point. You felt your stomach sink in disappointment. You knew talking to Freddie wasn’t going to go over well. He was the complete opposite of you in literally every way. 

Freddie shrugged. “Then I’d find someone else as a replacement. You shouldn’t have to make time in your life for twats like that. They don’t deserve a beautiful, talented angel like you.”

You pulled your blanket tighter around your shoulders, desperate for some sort of reassurance, even if it was from nothing more than an object. Despite his words, Freddie was only making things worse for your anxiety. You could feel your heart pounding harder in your chest, and you wondered if Freddie could hear it from where you were sitting.

You were startled when Freddie moved closer to you suddenly, one hand still staying on your thigh in reassurance while he wrapped his other arm around your shoulders.

“Darling, you’ve got tears in your eyes.” He noted with a low whisper. All notes of sarcasm and wit had left his voice, and the amount of compassion he held instead almost made you fall to bits right there.

“I’m fine.” You managed tightly, but silently cursed yourself when your voice cracked at the end of the second word. You blinked, and Freddie wiped a tear away from your cheek gently just as it began to fall. 

“Please tell me what’s going on,” Freddie murmured, caressing your cheek with a feather-light touch. “I want to help. Please. What can I do?”

A moment passed as you sat there in silence, unsure of whether to ask Freddie the question you felt was probably going to piss him off, or offend him at the very least. Still, if you were going to spill what David had told you to keep secret to someone, you much preferred them to exist long after the movie wrapped.

“You’re going to hate me for this, I’m sorry...” You mumbled, keeping your eyes on the ground so you wouldn’t have to see his reaction. “But... I want to talk to Rami about what’s going on. Not Freddie.”

You felt your breath catch in your throat as you were pulled into a reassuring embrace. 

“Y/N, you don’t need to apologize.” You felt a wave of relief as Rami spoke, this time without Freddie’s accent. The breath you had been holding seemed to carry most of your anxiety with it. It came out as a sob, and Rami stroked your hair comfortingly.

“I’m here.” He whispered. “I’m here. What’s going on?”

You told him everything. Your struggles with acting and videos on YouTube, the call from Atlantic Records and the producers, all the way up to the situation with David that just occurred. 

It turned out that talking to Rami was indeed what you needed. He helped to reassure you that you could do it, and he even offered to help in any way he could.

He had promised you that your album release would remain between the two of you. Specifically the two of you. When Rami was on set and in character as Freddie, absolutely nothing was mentioned about your own music. It was as if even Freddie was completely oblivious to the plan David had for you.

Which left you where you were now.

On Saturdays when you weren’t filming, Rami had offered to come by your hotel room for the day and help you with writing. In return, to thank him the only way you could think of, you’d spend Sundays helping him rehearse even more and work with him on perfecting Freddie.

“How many songs do you have now?” Rami asked. 

The two of you were seated on the floor of your hotel room, taking a break after having spent the last four hours going over your scenes together. You didn’t have many left, especially since filming was wrapping in under a month, but for some reason the director left your most intense scenes together for last. To say both of you were exhausted was an understatement. You leaned your head on Rami’s shoulder, and in turn he rested his cheek gently against the top of your head. 

“Almost a full album’s worth,” you grinned, even though he couldn’t see it. “We’re at seven now. I just need one or two more, and I’m good to go.”

Rami reached over and laced his fingers with yours, giving your hand a congratulatory squeeze.

“That’s awesome,” he replied, lifting his head off yours so he could smile at you. “I realized something though, Y/N.”

You blinked. “What’s that?”

“Even though we’ve worked on a lot of songs together, I’ve never heard you sing one of them in full. Want to change that?”

“Oh,” you giggled, burying you face in your hands as you felt your cheeks heat up. “Oh god, Rami, no...”

“Come on!” He encouraged, nudging your shoulder with his playfully. “We’ve worked all day on Freddie, let’s have a change of scene.”

“I didn’t warm up,” You mumbled, peeking at him through your fingers. Rami smiled, gently pulling your hands away from your face. 

“Doesn’t matter,” he encouraged with a smile. Some part in the back of your mind noted that he was still holding both of your hands in his, a thought just strong enough to make your heart skip a beat. “It’s just me. Please?”

“Okay, okay.” You caved, laughing as you got up and grabbed your guitar off the stand in the corner of the room. “Um, is there one in particular you want to hear?”

“Whichever one is your favourite.”

You exhaled, feeling extra-conscious about Rami’s unwavering gaze on you now. You took another deep breath, partially for good luck and partially to try and still your shaky hands. 

As soon as you began playing, the nerves melted away. You lost yourself in the music, and what seemed like mere moments later, you finished playing.

A rather loud applause from one erupted as soon as you strummed the last note on your guitar, and you laughed nervously as you placed your guitar gently back on its stand.

“Did that sound okay?” You asked, returning to sit beside Rami on the floor.

“Y/N, your music has the ability to take people to another world.”

You rolled your eyes, and he nudged you in return.

“I’m serious!” He exclaimed, grabbing your hand and giving it a squeeze. “God, you’re honestly so beautiful-”

Your eyes widened at his words, and as he realized what had just been said, Rami’s features mirrored your own expression.

“Uh, I mean, I meant-”

“It’s okay,” You said quietly. “I know what you meant.”

You bit your lip, feeling your heart pick up its pace in your chest. You didn’t miss Rami’s gaze trailing down your features to your lips and staying there for a few seconds longer than necessary. You unconsciously shuffled closer to him, suddenly realizing your need to get closer to him.

Somewhere in your mind, you wondered what it would be like to kiss him. 

You almost stopped yourself from thinking about anything related to that, but you realized his gaze kept darting from your eyes and back down to your lips. Maybe he was thinking the same thing you were.

“Rami?” You asked, your tone of voice made a whisper seem loud.

He only hummed in response.

“Could I...” Your breath caught in your throat as his hand came up to caress your cheek. “Could I kiss you-”

His lips were on yours before you could even finish forming your question. He kissed you once, twice, three times before pulling away. You felt fuzzy, unable to distinguish anything other than Rami.

“Was that okay?” You asked nervously. You saw a myriad of emotions pass through Rami’s eyes; adoration, amusement, compassion. 

In the end, he never actually replied. He only laughed softly and guided your face back to his and kissed you again, deeper and more passionately than before.

You figured that meant it was more than okay.

[intothedanvers-e]

Journey

Word Count: 1k Pairing: Tom Holland x reader Summary: Sometimes it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. Author’s Note: ok so i didnt think this would get any likes or anything and im actually surprised that so many people liked the first part and the idea in general!! i think becky ( @hollandlovely ) is a testament to how much i thought people werent going to like it considering i sent her every single part to see if she liked it lol but shes the best and she did like it so i hope you guys continue to like it! ill  just reiterate for anyone who didnt see or read pt.1 that this is a 5 part series i wrote where each part is based on/inspired by one song off each one direction album. this second part is based on/inspired by I Would off of Take Me Home! also just for anyone thats curious, yes i did just press shuffle on each album and wrote down the song that came out and not to toot my own horn but they all mesh perfectly?? its weird but yea, hope you guys like it! if you want to be tagged in the other remaining parts let me know! if you have any feedback or anything also let me know! :))

Here’s my masterlist!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

It was a few months later, and you’d managed to make Tom part of your official friend group. You’d even slightly merged your two friend groups considering your friends were also now friends with his friends. It was all a big mess, but you enjoyed it. You’d originally started things off with the intention of being romantically involved, but you’d both tried to keep it on a friendship level considering the both of you were in the middle of some messy relationship drama with your exes. You’d kind of rekindled things with your Tinder fuck boy, which all of your friends hated. Tom had never even met him but already hated him, and you constantly tease him that it was only because he had a crush on you which he’d quickly deny. He swore he didn’t feel those things towards you anymore.

You were getting ready for a date with Tinder fuckboy, whilst a lot of your friends were in your living room watching some sports game. You walked out ready to head off until you bumped into Tom in the living room while you were grabbing a water bottle. He was sitting on your kitchen counter.

“You ready for your date with Mr. Horrible?”

You rolled your eyes and shut the fridge.

“Tom you don’t even know him!”

“No, but I know his type.”

“Okay then, explain his type to me genius.”

He finished off his beer and set in on the counter next to him before jumping off.

“He’s the guy who will string you along and act like he’s into it, until you don’t want to do something he does. Or until his friends see you out in public together. Or until you decide to tell him you love him and he goes off running in the other direction.”

You didn’t realize he was only centimeters away from your face now. You could feel his breath on your face, his eyes were staring at your lips. You cleared your throat and took a step back.

“How do you have all this knowledge huh Tom? Maybe you see a little bit of yourself in him.”

“Nah,” he said opening the fridge, “I just constantly get dumped for guys like him. Have fun.”

He opened his beer and walked back to the couch. You shook your head and walked out the door. You couldn’t see but his eyes were glued to you as you left the apartment.

You arrived after the sun had already gone down. The apartment was dark and seemed empty. You figured your roommate was either out or at her boyfriends. You walked in the dark to your kitchen sink. You splashed water in your face and grabbed a beer out of your fridge. You dropped the top onto the kitchen island, which made a noise come from the living room. You jumped and froze.

“Y/N?”

You recognized the voice, it was Tom. You walked over and turned the living room light on.

“You scared the shit out of me you dick.”

He rubbed his eyes as he sat up on your couch. You slumped into the little singular love seat at to the right of the couch. He scanned your face. You tried to take a drink to hide your red and puffy eyes.

“You okay?”

You nodded and put the beer on the coffee table.

“What are you doing on my couch?”

“Oh Jen said she was going to spend the night at her boyfriends, I thought I would stay here until you got home just to make sure you got here okay.”

“What if I would’ve come home with my date?”

“Would’ve left quietly as soon as you would’ve made it into the bedroom,” he said shrugging.

You took another drink of your beer.

“Thanks.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Oh I’m fine. I’m just a huge bumbling idiot.”

You didn’t want to cry, but a few tears escaped your eyes.

“You are not.”

“Oh I am. You warned me about this guy, and there I went like a dumbass. Like a fucking idiot. Thinking he’d change. Thinking that surely he loved me if I loved him right? Wrong.”

He sat quietly for a few seconds.

“He doesn’t deserve your love.”

“What?”

“Yeah. You deserve to share your love with someone who will love you just as much as you love them.”

“Well I’ve had bloody good luck in that department! Cheers to that,” you said holding your drink up before chugging the rest of it.

“You deserve someone who will hold you when you’re feeling like shit, and someone who will make the successes feel even greater than they are. Someone who needs you just as much as you need them, someone who would treat you like the world’s rarest diamond.”

“If you know someone who’s willing will you give them my number,” you said getting up to head to your room.

You were just about to walk in when he spoke.

“Are you really that blind Y/N?”

You turned around to look at him, he was standing now.

“What am I missing something?”

He shook his head and grabbed his things.

“I’m glad you’re home safe. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He slammed the door behind him. You walked into your room and began changing into your pajamas. Suddenly the doorbell rang.

“Did you forget something?”

You opened the door and suddenly Tom’s lips were on yours, his hands on your cheeks. You were taken by surprise, but almost naturally wrapped your arms around his neck. You disconnected from each other and laughed.

“I was talking about me you idiot.”

“I thought you were over me?”

“You really are fucking blind aren’t you? I never was.”

You pulled him close to you and connected your lips again. This time his hands wrapped around your waist, his hands lingering near your butt. He pressed his body against yours, lightly biting your lip.

“Want to see if we can make it to the bedroom?”

“I reckon we won’t have to,” he said kissing your neck.

He pulled your legs up onto his waist and walked back into your apartment, slamming and locking the door shut behind him.

Taglist: @tom-hollands-eyelash @colourful-fandoms-ruined-my-blog @lemirabitur @serpent-tea @ironspiderguy @embrace-themagic @tomhollandandmarvelsworld @melancholland @musicgirl234 @hollands99 @all-the-best-people-are-weird @musicandbokkslovingweirdo @pignolithecookie @elentiya02 @densewaffle @steveandtheavengers

[mattyslittleworld]

Selenas Diner

Its 1:30 in the morning and I am sat at a kitchen table in Hunter Mountain, near Woodstock. Im in a house that sits on top of a mountain looking over endless land. On the kitchen table are mixing monitors, my MPK 225, my Apollo twin, orange vanilla seltzer, cold black coffee, and a dying phone. Ive been here since 5 o’clock working on beats by myself and I plan on staying till Friday. By myself, talking to nobody, and just finding my soul. This is probably the most stressed ive been with music, this project im working on is bigger than me and I was asked by someone im a huge fan of to work on their album in CT soon, which includes some of the biggest rappers in the WORLD, so I figured id retreat by myself beforehand and get my shit together and cook up some dope shit. Theres an underlining emotion of lonesome in my heart right now. I am utterly alone, emotionally, physically, and socially. I don’t even want to talk. It took coming to the hills and finishing my music work to finally just sit down with no distractions or familiarities to have my heart ask me - what now? Scroll through my phone - nobody. I have run so far away from everything ive ever known that I don’t even know who I am anymore or what I am doing - all I know is I am eternally blessed to be on a path that in due time will work itself out, without a doubt. A new life. New people. New love. New everything. Bleachers came on and it was so loud, it was so perfect, i just basked in the greatness of that band and just danced around singing - it was almost like the universe giving me that moment to enjoy myself, solely for myself, to heal. Ego stripped, pride stripped, to be able to dance around like an embarrassing idiot. I could cry. Music is so powerful. Just the other day, I found myself in an interesting situation. When I was younger I dated a girl, and our first date was in the city - typically Times Square - and in the middle of all the mayhem, we both looked down and found a $100 bill under my shoe. IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE! What are the odds? We grabbed a bite to eat and then went and ran around the M&M’s museum right behind the big red steps. It felt like fate. It was fate. If I wasn’t already in love with her prior - I really was then. Before we left to go home - we took separate trains and mine was earlier than hers but I sat there and chose to take the later one, and waited with her. We sat there laying on each other up against the wall - two young fucked up kids takin on the big city together for the first time. I felt so fucking complete. Everything, man. All hell broke loose with her over the past 4 years, the wildest shit I ever experienced with another human being. Two toxic individuals - who were innocent and full of love from the start just turned sour together and the entire world couldn’t balance out this tension and frustration and static. She’s been on my mind a lot - not because of love - but because I feel like im mature enough to process that time of my life now that everything ive been searching for has been granted. A year ago I went to Times Square and sat on those red steps for hours, just in my headphones listening to J.Cole, fresh into a new genre, fresh in this new skin. Lost. So lost. I was walking out on a maaaaajor fucking ledge with these next few choices I was faced with. If I decided to do this then that b lines my life in another direction, away from everything ive built and everyone ive been growing with. J.Cole in that moment said “my intuition is telling me there will be better days” and I just started laughing as I got the chills. Looking at all of these billboards with people shining over the city, watching everybody get to where they’re going, neon lights. I just felt so connected to life in that moment - because of that line he said. I decided to change my life - leave everybody behind. Never talk to anybody ever again. Turn my back completely. Fuck these people, fuck their drama, fuck their friendships, fuck their loyalty, fuck all of it. My life will change, or I will die trying to change it for the rest of my days. Here, on these red steps, with the M&M’s museum behind me, as I reflect on the true love I lost, as I reflect on the 100 bucks under my foot, and push away my fear.

 I wrote a song called “Quick Love” shortly after. It is a Justin Bieber influenced, reggaeton type, pop single, where I bleed in auto tune about how I need to fall in love just to get my real true love off my mind. I need to fall in half love to fill her void. In the pre chorus I sing “we can get a room in Times Square tonight, ill drink black coffee, you drink wine. Remember when we found a hundred dollars that night? Ive seen the world and theres no home like your heart” 

Fast forward to last week:

I am behind the wheel driving over the bridge - Roberto sitting shotgun. We’re freaking out, as the morning prior I was woken up by texts from Roc Nation (2x) talking business and future royalty splits for a song me and Casanova are doing together. The session is at 11pm at Quad Studios in Times Square. I sent Casanova a bunch of songs but he he liked Quick Love. I produced this entirely myself, about you know what. Me and Roberto are so psyched - this is such a legendary studio where I always dreamed of being in - and in a situation like this? Dream come true for a hard luck kid like me. I was in Gionnas ex boyfriends American nightmare shirt and I looked like shit so I made Rob put up with me going shopping before hand because im mad corny. Casanovas music helped me get through a lot of tough times and I look up to this dude. Seeing him roll with Meek Mill, in all the videos. With Kevin Hart, Jay Z, DJ Khaled, Diddy, songs with Chris Brown, Tory Lanez, Cardi B - I mean like this is the biggest ive gone with music THUS far and im definitely nervous in the most exciting way. I feel proud to get myself, and rob, here. We are waiting out front of the studio and my backs up against the wall. What do you know? IRONICALLY the studio is DIRECTLY next to the big red steps in Times Square. I couldnt believe it. It all makes sense, and as we wait for the session im forced to stare across the street at the M&M’s museum and I just wish she was here, and I wish she could see this, but despite all that - what a time to be alive and go and fucking get it for yourself. In that moment I SAW us vividly find that 100 bucks under my foot, I SAW us across the street laughing holding hands falling in love, I SAW myself on those steps sitting there lost and making the decision a year ago to walk out on the wire - and here the fuck we are baby. Here the fuck we are. Flipping hard times and heart break into something positive. I get snapped out of it and those memories disappear. An intern comes and gets us and walks us through the lobby and we walk into the room and we were greeted with overwhelming love and support, and most of all, comfort. First thing out of Cass’s mouth is “I wanna kidnap you to come work on my new album you better be ready im dead serious” and then all I heard was a MAD loud AYOOO MATTTYYY THEY KNOW MY BODY on the track and I died laughing. We were all jumping up and down laughing and dancing to the track. But heres where it gets emotional - he started singing the Times Square line about the hundred dollars - telling me to make that the hook. We had an amazing session, made amazing fast friends. And this proves you have to trust your gut and walk out on the ledge sometimes. You don’t know where life will take you, if youre brave enough. After me and Roberto went to Tick Tock and had dinner then drove home.

Now I am in the mountains making beats for Casanova. 

Remember when we found $100 that night?

Ive seen the world and theres no home like your heart.