#im genuinly distressed

[wish-i-were-heather]

ok wait ive only seen like the main points from the debate but im watching it right now and oh my god

[femmefaggot]

ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"

a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.

I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize

I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.

I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.

not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.

I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you

if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad

[faenights]

am going to rant about the uk mh services because i am angry about it always and forever and am having one of those adhd moments where i feel like i'll explode if i don't put it somewhere! It is under the cut dw <3 TL:DR I cannot begin to express how angry I am that the government tries to claim they care about trans people when the mh services are,, like this.

re: my last reblogged post... i am so genuinly concerned about the state of politics and the fact that the only thing that seems to remotely imply that the government cares about mh services is actually just people using it as an excuse to be transphobic.

There's little point in trying to break down whatever it is that they're saying atm but one of the main points (which we've seen in america a lot as well!!) is the what about the children?? question which makes me more angry than i care to articulate. Because, quite CLEARLY, none of this: making two gendered toilets manditory, making it difficult if not impossible for trans people to access healthcare, that goddamn report they did?? has anything to do with the children.

now i hope i don't come across as a terf for saything this but,, i do think there is a legitmate concern about the implications of prescribing hormone ultering drugs to children when they're still developing. We know that hormones do a lot to fuck with mh and its not something that should be given to anyone lightly. HOWEVER, if that was the genuine concern with any of this, they are coming at it in entirely the wrong way.

this is partially one of the reasons puberty blockers are prescribed for younger trans people. as far as we are aware, it doesn't have anywhere near the mh implications that changing their puberty entirely can and it has the added benefit for not forcing someone to go through a puberty that they have quite clearly expressed will be very distressing. puberty is a shitty thing to go through anyway, mh is especally volatile when hormones are involved. this is shown by,, literally every teenager ever. but you know whats also a great fucking example of this?? birth control!! which is something that many doctors are very happy to prescribe without putting in anywhere near as much thought/education or awareness of the impacts. If they truly gave a shit about the children and ~hormones~, birth control would not be prescribed so easily. but it is, because its not actually about child wellbeing. the same goes for the presciption of mh medications e.g. antidepressants. Below is mostly just me ranting about my shitty doctors. It's not entirely relevent but exlains why im so goddamn angry and convinced that this mh bs people argue is bs.

I, for example, have been taking antidepressants since I was 14. I do not remeber clearly what it was like to not be on them other than the fact that I was Very mentally unwell. I will be the first to say that they have so useful and, I do believe it may have genuinly saved my life at the time. But, I am now 22. I have reached the point where I am at the highest dose of my current antidepressants and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do when they stop working. I didn't care when I was 14 but, I am now old enough to consider the implications of taking antidepressants for so long, especally given that I was so young. No one has ever sat me down and talked to me about the implications of this medication for anything really, let alone the implications it may or may not have had given that my brain was still developing for the majority of the time i've been taking it. infact, the few times i have tried to talk to someone about it the process has been so infuritating i've ended up more distressed than I was to begin with and have just,, given up for the time being. I am not a doctor, and getting in contact with a doctor about it has always been very difficult, but I know antidepressants are not supposed to be a long term solution. they are a band aid that's used with other treatments. when you prescribe antidepressants and do nothing else,, they don't work. and yet,, here I am, a person that has been on this since I was barely a teenager, in a position where I cannot talk to someone about it despite trying to. because, and this is my main point in all this,, THE MH SYSTEM HERE IS FUCKING TERRIBLE.

I am in the wonderful position of living in one of the areas with the worst mh services in the UK so I hope that my expereince is just an especally bad one, but I know that it is likely very common. In fact, I'm lucky that I got prescribed antidepressants at all since most people don't even get that. the only reason I got them in the first place is because I'm lucky enough that my parents could afford for me to see someone privately. I have never managed to get an nhs doctor or wellbeing service to even remotely listen to me in the past 8 years I've been through that system. Unfortunately, in my expereince at least, trying to contact the nhs about my mh issues has lead to,, "come back when you're worse". Even when when I've quite openly said to them that if I get any worse I'm sure if I'll still be alive to come back to them. This has made no difference whatsoever. If i had had to rely on the NHS mental health systems, or the non existant "support" i had from schools (which also knew of my mh issues at the time but did nothing) I truly don't think I would still be alive to write angry tumblr posts about it.

What I mean to say is,, this has been my expereince with pretty "standard" mh issues (anxiety ect). We know that trans peole are a lot more likely to die when not given treatment or any form of support than most other groups of peole. How you can know that and still try and argue that taking away the one thing that might help people and hide behind the excuse that it's because you "care about their wellbeing" is beyond me. and, say Mrs TERF is right, and some kids that say they're trans are actually dealing with other issues that they later realise, the level of harm that is done to them by ignoring them or worse, telling them they don't know about their own feelings or expereinces, is so much worse than the possibility of someone detransitioning. People, especally young people, need to time and space to figure out who they are. denying them that does nothing but hurt them more and lead so many other complications later in life.

If the governement really truly did care about the mh of young people, these implimentaions would be different. They would centre trans people and focus on what trans people say they need. Not random cis women that have decided to speak over them. if they cared about the mh of young people, they'd review whatever the fuck is going on with the mh services in this country and not make trying to ask for help feel like you're fighting a battle with a thousand monsters just to get to the bottom of a mountain. they would change mh services so they actually fucking helped instead of told people to go away or prescribe medications to make someone shut up for a few months. They would give a shit that children keep fucking dying because they are asking for help and no one is helping them.

When the government or the nhs or whatever talks about mh they try and say that there is help out there and you can get better you've just gotta open up! They are 1) ignoring that opening up and speaking to peole about this is an incredibly difficult thing to do in the first place and 2) ignoring that they are seeming to do everything in their power to not help people.

if you read that, I'm very greatful, thank you. and I apologise for all the spelling mistakes.

[justalilpearlie]

hi guys dont mind me being insane again

im not tagging this too much cus its more of a personal ramble cus idk im feelin silly today and the BPD hits too hard. i wont be explainin what BPD is either so if u dont know either look it up or ignore this post,,

man i. have you ever loved someone so much you cry? /pos

like man i. its not romantic, may i clarify. most of my fps, except for my main one, are platonic. one of them is familial even

but i just. i feel like such a parasocial freako but i genuinly feel so intensely. its so positive too. if you ignore the crippling paranoia i always have abt my fps hating me or me being so intense they get uncomfortable...

but i just??? im not. normal about them.

i dont wanna sound creepy but they make my world so much better. id take a bullet from them. if give anything for them to be alright. i genuinly just REALLY enjoy their company and knowing theyre having fun with me aswell. knowing they enjoy me as a person. that im not a nuisance for the people i love the most.

and gosh i really hope they dont see this. i would feel so ashamed and embarassed if they did.

luckly i have better ways of copying with distress, attachment issues, jealousy, possesiveness, and all that other FUN (not) stuff that comes with BPD or rather specifically having an fp. A nice trustworthy psychologist (if u can afford it) does wonders to you, let me tell you.

its still hard sometimes but ive learnt to deal with it in ways that arent destructive to my relationships with those around me. i can cool down and such instead of lashing out or splitting for the most minimal things.

but now. for whatever reason. i went on a huge "positive" ramble instead. it was meant to be appreciation at the time, and still is, but i feel like its something that couldve scared them off. i showed some stuff to irl friends and online family, and everyone said theyd feel very appreciated if someone told them that stuff, but i cant help but feel is because they're my loved ones also and stuff. i really. really feel like i was too intense. i suck at showing affection in a normal way, a calm way, subtle way, like a normal person.

at this point i think. sigh i think its better if i just say nice things anonymously. i think if people, in general, not only my fps. but if people dont know affection comes from me they'll take it so much better than if they know its *me* in particular. and idk why! its just my brain being stupid again.

brains love doing that, dont they? being stupid. telling you everyone hates you oh so much no matter what you do. that theyre lying behind your back, and hate you in secret, theyre just being polite and allat.

well let me tell you, dear reader, whoever the fuck might read this, specially if its from the bpd tags: thats not true. sure, there might be assholes out there, but those people you think hate you despite how close you are, most likely dont. and i cant even get this through my own head but my sister repeats it to me all the time. "[name] talks so nicely about you and seems so happy seeing you". even then its hard to believe, i gotta stare at nice screenshots ive saved where i believe ive done something good, something worthy of appreciation, something that has not only meaning but an impact, a possitive one. and i know the chances of them actually hating me are low, but i still believe more in those chances than the proof.

i feel a bit delusional in a way. and i mean, i am, often times. but this is one of those thoughts- those god dammed thoughts where you're self aware yet- yet it doesnt shake the feeling away, you know? like no there is no proof, no logical proof at least, only what your mind twists into proof. but you still just "know it", yknow? even if you dont actually know shit and are very wrong. you feel like you do and it- it fucking sucks.

dont even get me started on splits and mood swings, highs and lows. Cause well. THATS NOT THE TOPIC OF THIS POST !! Lmao. i could go on for hours complaining tho. ough.

but yeah!! i just !! sorry, this took a turn. i just. needed to express myself idfk. i'll go back to posting abt minecraft men kissing soon or whatever, sorry normie followers /hj

i love them so much its overwhelming, yet i wouldnt change it for everything in the world, you know? not them. its hard but id rather endure it for them than have them not be THIS level of special to me anymore.

i really REALLY hope theyre not. uncomfortable by it tho. and wont dump me for it. i really wish i had a guide to how to and how to not mess up. so i could avoid doing dumb shit on accident.

and its funny cause theyre ppl that would absolutely tell me if im doing shit that bothers them, yet i believe theres smth else, stupid thoughts man. LEAVE ME ALONE FREDDY MERCURY!! UR SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !! /ref

sighhhh anyhow yeah im dropping it here. bpd is a bitch. and to anyone out there dealing w it? godspeed. you can do this, i know life already sucks and this shitty dissorder doesnt help, but i know you can push through, mi gente bella.

Pearlo out. BPD hours rlly seem to be hitting at around 11-12 am, huh? /ij

[nyxtic]

.

[littlx-songbxrd]

Chain of Iron:Death theory

As the awaited release date for Chain of Iron approaches and the fandom decends into pure madness, I want to put in my last two cents of overthinking before I stop having coherent thoughts

So we all know this is a second book, and second books bring the absolute pain in the shadowhunter chronicles. There is likely going to be a death from the mains considering the theme of this book, and I am here to throw my theory and reasons as to who I think it might be. Im here to sadly theorize about why I think Christopher Lightwood might not make it past the last hours

1. Tatianas revenge

Right now, Tatiana wants revenge after all our main families: the carstairs, herondales, fairchilds and both branches of the lightwoods. For the lightwood-collins theres barbaras death. For the herondales her daughter has been manipulating their son for over 6 years. Theres a theory that the fairy poison Mathew bought that caused Charlottes misscarriage could be traced back to her. And there are other theories that Elias dissaperance between chog and choi could have something to do with Belial. As of right now the only family who is yet to recieve any permanent damage or tragedy are the lightwood-herondales. Which is really ironic considering its the only family that has two bloodlines Tatiana wants to harm. Not only that, but theyre also the children of who Tatiana blames directly for her fathers death, Gabriel. It seems fishy to me there hasn't been any permanent damage in their family, and I dont think that is gonna last for long

2. The family tree

The family tree states that Grace Cartwright (Aka Grace Blackthorn) marries Christopher Lightwood and theyre the ones who continue the line that leads to Alec and Isabelle. Now Cassandra has said varius times the family tree can be misleading, and I am a firm believer this is one of the misleading ends. Why this lie was created, I'm not sure, but lets analize some things. As of right now there are 5 lightwood children. At least 3 of them can pass down the lightwood name. Of those three, if we take into account that Thomas may not have kids due to being gay, that still leaves two branches of lightwood kids that may continue on. As of present time we only have word of one line, Alec and Isabelles. And Robert isnt said to have any cousins, theres no mention in the future of another lightwood line. So the idea that both Alexander and Christopher have kids is pretty unbelivable considering theres only one lightwood line in the future. Unless Alexander goes on to have only girls and Christopher has only one boy, it seems more likely the family tree is wrong. Isabelle and Alec are confirmed as of the bane chronicles to be decendants of Gabriel lightwood (Isabelle makes a reference to looking up her great great grandfather Gabriel Lightwood and telling magnus he was hot in the last story of the book)

So its already confirmed they're a) the last decendants of the lightwood line and b) that line stems from Gabriel. If we based ourselves solely on the family tree and Christopher being the one carrying the line, that would have been believable enough not to raise any red flags. Christopher IS the son of Grabriel Lightwood, able bodied and seems to have a general attraction to women (I mean, we all know hes aro/ace but lets stick with canon). There isnt anything pointing to him not being able to marry and have kids. Where the red flags raise for me is with Alexander

Alexander wasnt in the original plans for the family tree, he was added when Cassie started writting the last hours. If you take into account his role in chog, there really was no reason to add Alexander Lightwood. He doesnt seem to do anything, hes a 3 year old kid, you can very well delete him from the narrative and nothing would change. So why did Cassandra add him?? Why did she decide to make Cecily and Gabriel have another kid ?

To me, it seems a lot like the baby carstairs situation . The family tree says Alastair carries the carstairs line, Alastair is a gay man so he cant have biological kids, theres another unplaned baby to carry the line. It seems to me Christopher carrying the lightwood line is a lie, and Alexanders role is to carry it in his place. I even found a little info from an ask wayy before chain of gold came out where it said Alexander had green eyes, but in the book she changed it to blue eyes. The exact same shade the modern day lightwoods seem to have. A trait hes more likely to pass down than his lavender eyed brother who supposedly "marries" grey eyed grace

3. Character Arc

Characters in literature need goals, things to work for or work towards through the story in order for them to develop. We call those things character arcs, and it seems we have all ignored how christophers may have indirectly ended. If you read his short story, or just overall analize his character, his main goal is simple. He wants to create something that will help the nephlim through science. His personal character arc is that he wants to prove himself and his skill to the clave using his passion to be a hero.

An arc that could have been expanded all through the series, and ended with him using his skills in the end to defeat belial in some way, proving his passions worth. Through the story we could have had a glimpse at his struggles, how he was put down, the failed attempts, fustrations etc. This all could have rounded christopher as a character, and brought more satisfaction to the end goal of his arc which is proving the value of his science. But instead, his arc in book seemingly already ended? Because he did it, he figured out a way to combine science with his duty and saved the entire enclave from the demon poison. He is now acclaimed a hero for his skills. All the other characters have things to finish going into chain of iron, Christopher doesnt. Why would she end an arc that could have taken through the entire series in just one book? Christopher is the only secondary character with a defined personality and a lack of arc to look foward too in following books. This could all point that his arc was rushed because it was being cut short

4. Lightwood blood

There has been a lot of theories going around about Thomas being the one who gets killed in this book, which is resonable considering the unerving amount of forehsadowing we've had to him getting himself caught up in something. But I raise you this, why would CC be giving us so much assurance that Thomas was going to get hurt if she was going to kill him? Not only would she be reaveling one of her most devastating murders, she would basically be spoiling a very big part of her own book. Thomas death would affect everyone, if she WERE to kill him she wouldnt be indulging us in our Thomas death theory as much as she has. Itd be too expectable, I actually believe that by giving us all the info she has she has more or less confirmed he wont die.

I believe this is all a decoy. Shes giving us foreshadowing towards something bad happening to Thomas, to cover up the very big reality shes planning to kill someone else. Theres a very big chance that for the resurection, theyre gonna need Jesses families blood. Same way Malcom needed blackthorn blood to raise Annabel. As of rightnow there arent any blackthorns (by blood) left alive, the only blood relatives Jesse still had are the lightwoods. So we already know Thomas gets captured by the murderer (referenece to the art), but it is most likely he gets rescued. People speculate he most likely got captured for the resurection Tatianas trying to do, because of his lightwood blood. But if Thomas escapes, Tatiana still needs her families blood. And I'd like to point out this is also where the fact she hasnt taken permanent revenge on the lightwood-herondales would come in. Theres a good chance that if the murders are releated to her, and she cant have Thomas, she wont stop at just Thomas.

5. Story relevance

In all sense of story, Christopher is the perfect candidate to kill. As hard as that is to say: he's a secondary character, who has a well defined personality, loved enough by the fans that there would certainly be a shock factor following his death, important enough to the story that there would be a big impact to the narrative, and interwined enough with the main characters to cause emotional distress in the story. His arc is indirectly done, this author has a history of killing lightwoods, there isnt much to discourage the possibility he might be killed besides the faulty family tree. And as I said, that tree has been stated multiple times to be misleading

Bonus prove

6. Christophers cut-out

Same way were analizing the hell out of a broken spear, why are we not talking about the skull on christophers?

(Sorry couldnt get better quality pics)

The truth is, I hate this theory as much as everyone, Im genuinly hoping chain of iron proves me wrong. But there are 5 deaths comming, and not all of them can be side characters. Cordelia Lucie and James all have main character protection. I already explained why Thomas dying is unlikely. Anna, Ariadne and Alastair have gay protection (and I think some asks about Alastair dying were pretty much answered with a discreet no)

If there are mains dying, Christophers the most likely to go

[thewoodbine]

🌼 Meditation Tips For Busy Brains 🌼

Meditate

Ok I'll be totally real with you Im not joking. Ive got a LOT of request for this and I think its kind of funny- a little absurd really. Because here's the thing. How many people do you think are out there who genuinly have calm peaceful minds?

Im going to be real with you. There are very very very very few people who actually just sit down on day 1 and are able to achieve this ideal of meditation. The odds aren't much better on day 10, probably not a huge difference on day 20.

Meditation is the training that brings your brain from busy to calm. Thats literally what it does. Thats its purpose. Meditation is not the end result, its the path you walk.

That being said there are a couple things you can do to help yourself out a little bit:

Moving meditation, its a thing. Stretch, wiggle, walk, do what you gotta do man

Guided meditation. Let someone else help keep you on track.

Meditation with your eyes open. This really helps me! I can zone out but still passively watch birds or leaves or whatever.

Set yourself up for success. Meditating in front of the TV with your favorite show on is not a good idea.

Manage your time. Start small, just 3 minute sessions at a time. Work your way up from there using a timer.

Some days will be better than others. Throw out that moldy ass idea that you only meditated or only meditated well if you achieved perfect thoughtless zen. Recognize that EVERY meditation session is a good one because every session is practice.

Listen to music or sound. Something instrumental or just calm is best, definitely no lyrics, but it doesn't all have to be those corny youtube videos of windchimes and weird synth wave noises with a glowing chakra background.

Explore the many different methods and techniques avaliable to you.

If you are the type of person who says you're brain is too busy to meditate. If you say meditation just isn't for you. If you think its just harder for you than other people. Then that is a message to yourself from yourself that you need to meditate the most.

Meditation is not perfect zen, its not the art of effortlessly zoning our, mediation is just the workout to grow your peace muscle. Stop limiting your own growth. It makes 0 sense. Its like saying you're too hungry to eat!!!

Saying your brain is too busy to meditate is refusing the medicine because you're sick???

Now go meditate.

Here is a link to my post on why I feel meditation is essential to witchcraft and spiritual practices. Includes resource links and more info on meditation itself.

Now a personal note from me. Just because I dont think there is any excuse doesnt mean that I think its easy or it will be. Some days will be harder than others, some days you might not be able to do it at all. Thats ok. I understand, I have anxiety and sometime my visualizations take distressing turns and I have to stop. Some days Im sick and busy. The important thing is you try, and you don't limit your own healing and growth.

~ ☀

[the-rose-of-winterfell]

I found my original *-* Here you go guys

It was undeniable that they arrived at the North; not only because the snow started to fall heavier and the clear and cold air but also because this was Lyanna’s homeland. Her livelihood. She felt thrilled…and scared. Many moons had elapsed since she had been here. In Winterfell. With her brothers and friends. What would they think of her, and Arthur, and Jon?

Arthur behind her had visibly struggles with his horse, a white and sturdy stallion. With his heels, he slightly kicked, no, he poked his sides to make the beast move faster. Nothing, not even a quirk of the horse’s ear. Jon, now a boy of 3 years, sat in front of Arthur in saddle and was apparently amused. He loved riding, like his mother.

“Give him a right kick”, Lyanna called out. “Our horses here are not like your scrawny, fierce horses in Dorne. Robust and stubborn but loyal until the end.”

Arthur as Lyanna suggested and immediatly, he was at Lyanna side, slightly embarrassed. Lyanna gave him a encouraging smile, although she knew he would not need it. Once he had his self-assurance back, he would love this beast. The girl examined the man who was with her and Jon for so long. During their journey, his dark hair had grown long, and his jaw and cheeks were covered in a slight beard of stubbles. His handsome face was the same, though. Stern and impenetrably, but also kind and well-known. Lyanna had learned to love this face, its purple and kind eyes, its expressive lips.

“You are staring, my lady.”

Her cheeks colored in a shade of pink.

“No, I’m not. I was just…reflecting.” To change the subject, she looked at little Jon and smiled warmly at him.

“How are you holding up, my dear?”

The little boy was obviously too distracted from the gleaming snow and the new sorts of trees around them to notice Lyanna. Arthur’s arms tightened around the child, giving him more stability. Both Jon and Arthur had changed their clothings miles ago, from light linenshirts and slight trousers to layers of leather and fur and heavy cloaks.

Lyanna knew how Jon felt. She would always be fascinated of the rough beauty of the North, then as now. She remembered how she played “Maiden and Knights” with her brothers in the weirwood grove of Winterfell. Well, she had always made Ned or Benjen be the maid; she always wanted to be the fearless and noble knight. They had argued about who should save the damsel in distress, which often ended of them being covered in snow and dirt. Lyanna sighed. It would never be like this. She could only hope that they would accept her, or at least Jon.

“Will they recognize me?”, she said loudly, unintended.

Arthur furrowed his eyebrows.

“Of course they will. They are your family, after all; your and their blood is the same.”

‘Yes, she thought, 'We are wolves. We are one pack.’ “I genuinly hope you’re right.”

Arthur reached for her hand with his own gloved one.

“Do not worry. Think of the things you, we, accomplished. You and your son will be with your family.” His kind words warmed her heart, let her love for him grow even stronger.

"You are family, too. I'll insist that you will stay."

"And I will have no choice, will I?"

"No." Lyanna smirked mischievously. Arthur noticed that her eyes had that gleaming again, this joy - he had not seen it in a while.

"It would be my honor, my lady, Im sure I will be useful. Besides, you did not think I would just leave the both of you, eh?"

The young woman hid her blushing face under her hood.

"Of course not."

For a while, they rode in silence; only the steps of the horses in the snow and their snort were to hear. Lyanna's eyes locked with the milky white sky. 'Yes', she thought 'everything will be fine...eventually.'