#im feeling fine right now btw
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they should invent an anxiety that doesn't twist and turn your guts into either making you shit yourself or vomit all over the walls
#im feeling fine right now btw#im just thinking about the fact that when i get anxious it just makes my stomach go haywire#back then i often struggled with vomiting whenever i got like Really Anxious. which sucked eggs#and unfortunately it still happens when i have anxiety episodes that are like. intense. like on the edge of an panic attack intense#but thankfully not as often#however it evolved into me tooting a storm and shitting bricks when i get anxious. which is annoying!!!#*ramble txt
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im booooooorred can they upload
#i was gonna go out today but it’s snowing like so much i cba to drive#i know i rant about this like every day but it’s so much easier yapping to the void than having the same conversation with a friend#this post grad unemployment depression has had me down since fuckin november and it’s going NOWHERE#im so over being perceived at home like#i apply to multiple postings daily i’ve gotten my resume edited multiple times#i’ve contacted so many places for VOLUNTEERING and they’re like oh cool we don’t need anyone right now tho!#LIKE. ????????#i want so desperately to be busy and not have time to think and NO ONE is taking me like#i know people complain about the job market all the time and being unemployed with an arts degree is like an age old joke but#i really think it shouldn’t be this hard. and im talking about retail and grocery store jobs that are rejecting me on the daily too btw#i feel so useless and everyone tells me oh it’s okay enjoy this time whatever is meant for you will come and that’s all fine and good#but it doesn’t make it any easier#ugh ugh ugh sorry i hate complaining about having free time and little to stress about in reality im grateful to live at home and all but
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I think about that tiktok trend where you like paint your partners eye color on your nails or make a bracelet or something with the color a lot actually
#like its so cute honestly but sometimes i wonder how hard it would actually be to like find the right color match#maybe one day... but for now probably expect oc art with this trend in it maybe 💀#the thing about it too is i have like dark eyes and idk if ive ever seen like a dark brown nail polish. beads or thread yeah but ya#oh nvm i googled. it exists i just dont pay attention ig#OH you know what i can do... i can paint pepperonis eye color on my nails.... my baby... my kitty......#dude it feels like 5 am why is it only 2#amyways. 4 monsters was a big mistake i think... i feel quite icky...#it doesnt help i didnt eat for a majority of the day it was just monster. im really unhealthy. need water maybe#wait i was talking about nail polish how did i get here#i just want to actually do cute couple things. i must heal. im gonna be so healthy.#its fine. lmao. i just know im not ready#oh i did eat btw dont worry lmao i had. chicken nuggets#i actually have to eat more bc i need to gain back some weight or they wont let me donate plasma#my extra pokemon money..... nawr...#i dropped like 10 pounds. my current job is very physical. lots of scuttling around.#i thought about working out too? i had a short phase last year in like spring or something where i started doing workout type stuff#so like.. maybe. probably should. healtly mindset shit yk#i also maybe want some more clothes. like update my wardrobe a bit. really figure out my style.#like some cool shirts and maybe pants. cause i wear a lot of the same stuff#also again. dropped weight so. need better fitting pants.....#i want more mens pants. big pockets... gender....#anyways. nice chatting with you besties. love you guys my silly little tumblr besties.#some of you that follow this sideblog have supported me on here for a while. i see you. i appreciate you. thank you 💖#genuinely there are names that pop up and im like !! hello!!! its you!!!!!#you guys probably know who you are. go get yourself a little treat you deserve it. or like. idk what you enjoy.#play a good game. watch your favorite show. idk. be happy. love yourself.#this also goes out to those of you who are more passive on my blog. i appreciate you too!! thank you!#all my little tumblr followers.... my besties..... unles you are a bot i havent cleared out lmao#k i might have to go to bed idk im tired well see
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hey guys who was gonna tell me that bocchi the rock contained the single most autistic scene in anime history
#(and im saying this as a mob psycho 100 fan. btw)#i just binged the first 8 episodes and. wow#like admittedly i had seen a clip of her opening riff from that performance but the whole thing. holy shit#im at a loss for words#bocchi the rock!#btr#though i am a little.... unsure how to feel..... because. the scene calls deliberate attention to how she isnt looking at the crowd#and eye contact was a big thing she was 'working on' so i dont want it to be framed as 'wow she's so good if only she would look up'#but i havent watched past episode 8 so for now i live in a beautiful world where she was able to perform that way BECAUSE she didnt look up#and thats okay! shes allowed to not make eye contact even though its unconventional. its not a flaw - its what makes her unique#cause so much of this show is bocchi forcing herself to try to be more social or do things the 'right' way and im like nooooo.......#youre allowed to be a weird little introvert who cant make eye contact..... please stop trying so hard to be something else......#and like. 'its okay to be weird' is very straightforwardly the message of the show#im just worried it will pull its punches with the more socially unacceptable stuff yknow?#like it would still be fine. obviously people can get over a fear of eye contact. but it would make me a little sad.....#lol 'im at a loss for words'. says the guy who has never stopped yapping since he said his very first word#anyway. watch bocchi the rock 👍#biggie tumbles
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i love the trigun manga but its so unnecessarily confusing why am I finding out important information about smth 100 pages after the concept was introduced like dawg I did not fully understand a chunk of what you were saying without that information WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME NOW ?????????
#trigun manga#this is about that plant stuff btw like am i stupid was i supposed to figure this out myself ??#like im at pg 254 and theyre telling me this plant thingy produces like everything for them#NOW YOURE TELLING ME?#like my assumption is that they need to be near one of these bad boys (or girls ig) at all times?#THAT WAS NOT CLEAR BEFORE#and when they were talking abt ‘plants’ earlier i thought it was some power plant shit NOT A LITERAL PLANT ANGEL THING HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO#KNOW THAT-#I dont feel like this adds to dramatic effect I feel like its making me confusedly try to remember all the other time these#plant things were mentioned without context#I MEAN IM NOT MEANING TO COMPLAIN THAT MUCH LIKE FINE OK REVEAL IT TO ME NOW AT LEAST THEY TOLD ME ?#BUT STILL I FEEL LIKE A DUMBASS JUST NOW BEING TOLD THIS#maybe im over reacting IDK its my blog i can do what I WANT#actually my memory might be tricking me AM I CRAZY I SWEAR PLANT STUFF WAS MENTIONED LIKE IN THE VERY BEGINNING#im chosing to believe im right about this#normalish posts
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i need a vivisection real bad
#i just feel like hell right now. for no reason#restless and shitty and stupid. i need to do SOMETHING but everythings wrong#and a vivisection would help#if i could just. take my guts out and twist them around and stretch them out and chew on them and break them#then get put together again. then id be fine#or twist my head off and kick it around like a football. or. or. something else violent#btw. i got root beer today so im gonna have that now. maybe itll make me feel less messed up
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How to get out of bed
How to get out of bed when you don't want to
How to get out of bed and eat
How to get up and eat when you don't want to
How to do things that you should and you need to but you can physically feel the claws of apathy and inaction sinking into you and no matter how much your brain rebels, your body is comforted by it and yields, trapping yourself in your own mind which consistently makes small concessions to the emptiness until you can no longer feel anything and the bit that rebelled is so small now, so fragile, that it no longer feels a part of you and you've resigned yourself to rotting like a bloated corpse that hasn't realized it's dead already
#quinn talks#it didnt take long at all for the seasonal depression to make it impossible to leave my bed#i do not have a job rn which is fine but im realized that ive never actually gotten 'better' i just acquired distractions#i dont feel real right now#btw the first searches are real searches i did last night to try to fix me
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need 2 isolate myself and unfriend everyone #asap
#this guy who is still my friend i guess annoys me and ive been avoiding him and he confronted me and cried yesterday and i felt bad but more#ab the situation than our friendship because he puts himself into places without friends by being judgy and rude and wondering why ppl dont#wanna stick around him idk. i guess we're still cool but he clings onto me and its really annoying bc i want him to stop but i dont want to#be rude and hes just getting on my nerves and ik its bad to be like annoyed w ur friends but i literally just .our energies dont match and#its so exhausting to be near him so i need to do the right thing and tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to cling on more or#not but i already did that tbh yesterday like. i told him i genuinely dont have the energy to match his and he asked 'when can we go back to#being normal' ?? i just said i felt better and comfortable being more alone and off than w him cant he stop. do i need to break his heart#hes really intelligent and hes able to tell these signs so idk why hes so hellbent on being stuck on me when ive literally said he tires me#cant he leave me alone. i already feel bad enough for feeling this way but last yr i didnt get to have any other friends irl bc he would#just cling on and drag or follow me and i barely had time to spend with anyone else and im stuck in a club i dont care for now bc he kept#pushing. like two or three of then actually idk why he cant just understand i dont want this nor any codependency w him anymore when ivebeen#like telling him already#sorry i have tutoring soon but im exhausted and feel horrible but whatever ill be fine etc i just need him to stop#on a brighter note. idk. im going to disney soon#post#vent#to delete#my lover please come home . only person i can admit my feelings directly to !. not on a vague tumblr post lmfao#/nbh btw obv bc why would i post it if it was#i need to play genshin kaedehara kazuha save me please give me a big fat kiss now
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Stop this is so stupid, no one cares, but I need to do something so just posting: I’m leaving the Marauders fandom because eveyrone is just so mean. I’ll say something and everyone will go after me? I genuinely feel like crying right now like I’m holding back tears like actually because of the fandom and I’m sensitive I know but oh my god? Everything i say about the fandom is always directed at the toxic fans, not everyone but boo everyone comes on me calling me a bad person like I didn’t do anything? I don’t even wanna draw these characters anymore, or write fanfiction about them. Why can’t this fandom just be calm? For once? Just be respectful and nice and learn how to read. It’s not what they say but more so how they say it. They want to be mean. And everyone just agrees with them? I know I might come off as ‘rude’ when I post stuff but I mean it always sarcastically, I genuinely don’t care if you like Fanon only how you choose to idk choose to treat others if they have a different opinion. If I do offend anyone, I’ll apologise, if I get into a debate, I’ll make sure to always thank them for not escalating the situation. I always write in my posts(one that I think comes off as more ‘mean?’ Idk) that it’s okay if you like this and it isn’t directed at you, only toxic fans. But still no? Why can’t we be nice? Also, why is it always directed towards people that like canon? People that prefer fanon make posts like that but they don’t get the hate. I don’t even wanna think about these characters because I’ll think about the comments and I’ll become sad again but I love these characters so MUCH but I feel like I can’t love them. I don’t know, I’m just being sensitive but it still hurts,, this rambling was kinda useless but oh well I’m just done with this fandom.
#not on tumblr btw tumblr is fine because there’s a sensible tagging system but I just cannot#I feel like that one girl in mean girls that damion says ‘She doesn’t even go here!’#like why can’t we all be nice like#‘oh okay! that’s cool but I like this more anyways bye have a good day lol!’#like it’s not that hard :(#there’s a different between disagreeing and then just being rude#why is everyone here so fucking bitter?#anti marauders fandom#idk but I’m done#now im thinking about the fact I might be a bad person#so much for treating people with kindness ringtones?#right* idk why it corrected to ringtones#anyways#I regret reading those comments it made me delete pintereset#its really not thst easy to jsut not care
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I really really really miss being able to draw the way I did when I was like 11/12. Not the skill level (DEFINITELY NOT THE SKILL LEVEL HAHA) but just the mindset
#gooooddddddd i miss it so much. it was so fun and so easy and it feels like ill never be able to go back to that :( im sad#havin a sad moment!#im looking at my old art and its mostly fullbody/waist up stuff and like. fuck!!!! the only thing I ever draw now are heads/faces#and my anatomy skills are so lacking that whenever i try to draw a body it just makes me feel like shit. haha.#just really really miss not caring i guess#adolescence is so sucky like HELLO can I please just have the personal growth without all of the self doubt n shit? thx#i cry so easy btw would u believe that im sheddin some tears right now just over this. like it's chill i'll be fine tomorrow#but im feeling bad right now sooo. that's fine I think I should just let that be fine and maybe not be so dismissive of my own feelings. hm
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just watched v for vendetta for the first time and godammit that shit goes hard
#chicken scratch#v for vendetta#im fine#im so normal about it#im so incredibly normal right now#wow#ok just do me like that#i fully fucking cried#this MOVIE man#makin me FEEL things#yknow i wanted to watch it cuz ooh v speech haha so silly what a little guy#what a little anarchist theatre kid we love to see it#and FUCK#years ago my older sister tried to memorize the v speech#and a few months ago i remembered it and wanted to do it too#but like#was not ready for that.#god damn#also btw hugo weaving? legend.#man was faceless all movie and still acted flawlessly#the BODY language man#the VOCAL INFLECTIONS#EVERYTHING#good goddamn movie 139538956426587/10
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can we get some cmar deets for mermay?
i am. so late. happy mer-june. which is pride month, so here's some random thoughts that i cant remember if ive shared;
cmar!dion would transition during the storm. pre-storm, dion would only use he/him. after running away would be when they would even consider the thought of being trans. only about 6 months after the storm's beginning would di really think about it, but by the end of it she's transfem assuredly, using she/they/he
raz is also trans in this au. this is not relevant at all throughout it, he just is.
#carpet conversation#cry me a river au#dion aquato#psychonauts#sorry if this isnt good or coherent im baked right now and feel so so bad for having you wait so long im so sorry anon#btw any other trans hcs are allowed in it as well this is just the only ones ive thought about and assuredly decided are trans#sasha and milla are t4t in this au solely because that is my headcanon and its my au#but its not really relevant so if you have a dif hc its fine#only really Relevant Canon one is dion cause she transitions over the course of it
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for the ITNL "Lying to strangers is Fun" moment
i shared the first line b4. but i enjoy his follow-up too sldkfjsldkjf
& for another moment of Vash Being Obnoxious
taken out of context. he kinda did deserve to be punched tho lmao but it's Meryl so it's not like she did much damage.
& then later,
yeah <3
#speculation nation#itnl shit#im just thinking about vash being annoying on purpose#meryl's fine btw she's just embarrassed#they had a nice heart to heart and vash was like 'ok that's enough feelings talk. if i dont deflect Right Now im going to break into hives'#and meryl makes it so EASY....................................#but ya this stuff is towards the end of scene 2.#which. i have not rly made progress in scene 3 yet... </3#im. gonna try to work on it. tomorrow. shit's been hard.#but Here have some excerpts to tide u over. for now.
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feels fucking great when people do something without you. especially something you have been wanting to do for over a YEAR but its so fucking hard to get a full team of people for this because yeah i get it its one of the hardest achievements in the game but then they just fucking do it on a whim out of nowhere with some new guys like. i have. been wanting to do this. for more than a Year. and no one. was ever. down.
#river.txt#thx a lot#now i have to look at all of them having that stupid fucking title while im just here like#hi#btw i wanted to do this#for so long#thx for promising we would do this together one day and then u just went and did it with some random ass new people :)#yeah i feel great i feel fine why do you ask#guess i can say goodbye to that fucking title#because its IMPOSSIBLE just to get people for a normal raid#much less a flawless run#so i already know i wont ever get this done now that they all got it done#the thing is ppl always post an event on the server so others can sign up right#well they didnt even make an event for this lol i have no idea when did they do it#when i noticed the titles i was like wait what how come u all have it#and my friend was like oh we got it done the other day#like. cool. nice. thanks again.
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absolutely unashamedly being down horrendous for aizawa.
#mari rambles#i need to bite into a really hard pear to be normal oh mY GOD. JOFNIJJBEIFNIJGNOWPWRBIHBFNJFNIJOEBIBNOGJNOJBAJBFWJNWOGNIHWBIFBKJg#HES SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UGHHHHHUEOUBGOWNUFBWOIGNPIGENPIG#him wihtout his scarf?????????????????????????????????. LROD HAVE MERCY.#i feel like one of htose victiorian men seeing ankles for the first time MY LORDDDDDD#hes so fine its actually insane.#IMAGINE IF HE WERE A WOMAN>???????????????????#OH LORD I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY MENACING#I NEED A CRUNCHY GRAPE RIGHT NOW GENUINELT HAHRGHUOWFNFOGDEBPIWJNOIGpw#i love him#even at my worse i never was like this about white boy#he never got to premium status#aizawa spoke like once ?? and imediately i was cooked.#no character has ever got me like htis genuinely i sound forkin insane#i dont mind though#no bc if aizawa were a woman..... the consequences would be DEVASTATING it woul dbe so bad#btw im not just down bad for his looks either....i love his character#i love characters that seemingly dgaf but would genuinely risk their lives to save those they love#(his students. do not mess with his students.)#anyways. i should be explaining the differences in a paragraph i wrote#instead of being strange and off-putting about a ficiotnal anime character
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The brain is such an interesting thing actually. Why are my coping mechanisms what they are.... they're not even that bad they're just very strange?? Instead of bullying myself I bully the blorbos.
#i go through a time of high stress#and my brain goes right back to the highest stress points of my life#but ive trained it to like#instead of bully me with stuff#bully the BLORBOS with stuff#so physically and half mentally im fine#on the other hand my blorbos go through like#the au contemplation of a lifetime#where my brain goes “what if they died. okay now focus on how that effects the story and the people around them. focus on the tragedy.”#an it WORKS????????#i dont know what to cw tag this post as uhmm#i guess ill tag it for the wording in the tags here#cw sui mention#btw im currently feeling way better than normal im at my grandparents on a break from school#im like fine#im just thinking abt how fucking weird this is
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