#im failing social interaction even on internet

[anch0-a]

How y'all make friends? Like. How? How do i put "friends art" in the tags of a rb without dying. Help

[pshbites]

LOVE ON AiR

SYNOPSiS » two podcast groups, both equally popular on the internet, start interacting with one another. however it isnt how fans want it to be.. OR yn sees sunghoon hating on lauryn hill and accidentally starts an entire fanwar with him.

PAiRiNG » sunghoon x fem!reader

FEAUTRiNG » all of enha, giselle of aespa, txt briefly mentioned

GENRE » smau (social media au), fluff, angst, enemies to lovers (barely), chronically online humor, romance, podcast au, influencer au, HEAVILY inspired from suburb talks and under the influence podcasts, SLOWBURNN

WARNiNGS » profanity, suggestive humor, kys/kms jokes, lots of pop culture references (im chronically online im sorry), drinking, drugs, fanwars, yn haters (BOOOOO), stalking (sorta?) manipulation (NOT FROM SUNGHOON OR Y/N) changes every chapter.

STATUS » completed — (08/03/24) to (10/26/24)

PLAYLiST » your eyes only - enha, after midnight - chappell roan, ex factor - lauryn hill, kiss me - dpr live, read your mind - sabrina carpenter, 3005 - childish gambino, poison poison - renee rapp, thirst - dpr live, just a little bit - enha, daisy - wave to earth, nouvelle vague - wave to earth, thinkin about you - frank ocean. (got carried away .. 😁)

AUTHORS NOTE » BIGGG thanks to my bestest friend ever, my fav british person, @lqfiles , ily so so much and thank you so much for helping me with this process. teaching me how to work tumblr like i was a grandma even tho im only 2 years older than u and making this AMAZING cover (isnt she talented), i love u sooo much more than words can describe, you annoying brit (endearing) 🫶

TAGLIST CLOSED!

written chaps in blue

🔴 RECORDING..

teaser (read first for context!!)

profiles i & profiles ii

1) call my phone a vibrator the way it keeps buzzing

2) YAP CENTRAL EP.135: alpha male podcasts?!

3) first hate thread. feeling nervous

4) pussy slay queen!

5) okay alpha

6) ROUND TABLE EP.149: perfect pitch :o

7) 1 down 3 to go

8) what the fuck is a ynhoon

9) YNXOXO VLOG: night out w/ won and riki

10) wet and bothered

11) just a normal tuesday

12) jungwons evil arc

13) YNXOXO VLOG: cafe date with my girls <3

14) the battle of thirst traps

15) twitch streaming era

16) YAP CENTRAL EP.136: did social media ruin relationships?

17) second interaction: kinda scared

18) fuck skater boys

19) park sunghoon v. round table

20) riki emo era: OVER

21) sunghoons side hoes

22) ROUND TABLE EP.150: we traded phones?!

23) bro define: friend

24) spidey sense

25) on my cellular plan i pay for?

26) YNXOXO VLOG: night time routine + surprise!!

27) a face i would kiss

28) collab of the century

29) YAP CENTRAL EP.137: has love lost its meaning?

30) eyes don’t lie

31) operation: ynhoon (postponed)

32) crybaby

33) operation: ynhoon (BACK ON)

34) chat is this a date yes or no?

35) boss baby jay

36) boyfriend

37) soft or hard?

38) what da heck *tyla voice*

39) YNXOXO VLOG: ice skating! | vlog w/ a special guest!!

40) love is on air

UNCUTS

1) operation: get riki ip banned on twt

2) try not to blow up challenge: FAILED

3) JAYS KITCHEN: my friends trying to help me make food blindfolded. (spoiler: it’s a fail)

4) YNXOXO VLOG: my boyfriend does my makeup voiceover !

5) YAP CENTRAL BLOOPERS: riki kat and yn patreon ad

© all rights to pshbites 2024

[keshetchai]

Petty, absurd things I was annoyed by on the internet (specifically the religion subreddit):

Someone (making a islam apologetics defense for the young age of Aisha's marriage and subsequent consummation with Muhammad, by way of trying to point out a cultural hypocrisy in what is or isn't seen as acceptable) pointing to a medieval European princess who got married at the age of six, without any understanding as to what that actually meant in reality to the society of that time. And without any awareness of the history in question. Which is that the six year old princess in question (Isabelle of Valois) was used to formalize and secure diplomatic relations, and then she was moved to a new castle where she was given a court of ladies, tutor, and governess to raise her because she was seen as a child. She didn't even live in the same place as her adult husband (Richard II), and only saw him on chaperoned visits because she was legally and socially not yet old enough for consummation under catholic canon law. Also her Kingly husband died by the time she was 11, he spent the last year of their marriage on a military campaign, and he died before they consummated anything. It was a political and diplomatic contract with no adult sexual or romantic interactions before he died. She remarried at 16, and died in childbirth at 19, which is still really young! But she was NOT being coerced as a 7 year old because that was illegal and would've been a diplomatic nightmare! There was literally no reason to do this. An adult King could (and likely would) be far more likely to avail himself of willing courtesans than he would be to spectacularly offend his newly cemented ally who gave him a queen. Terrible comparison. 0/10. No understanding of medieval European royal politics. Most European medieval royalty who married very young didn't have children until they were at least 18 or 19. Augh. Medievalist annoyances!!!

And THEN someone else tried to criticize the BITE model for identifying authoritarian and manipulative groups (destructive cults) but their criticism was entirely based on like....a) fundamentally failing to understand BITE model must be used in conjunction with the Influence Continuum and b) having zero reading comprehension or critical thinking skills whatsoever to the point where they were trying to say that the BITE model considers prayer in general to be a tactic of authoritarian control and is equivalently scored to outright murder. (It absolutely does not fucking say this!! That's devoid of any understanding of how prayer is even being evaluated specifically within the context of BITE!!!)

and then they tried to be like "people use chat gpt to prove how my religion is a cult and they're wrong, so I invite you to also use chat gpt and see how sports teams and schools could be considered cults!" CHAT GPT IS STUPID AND IM NOT GONNA USE THE BAD ARGUMENT MACHINE TO MAKE ANOTHER BAD ARGUMENT.

They tried to argue baseball teams could be considered cults under the bite model because they "restrict sleep" by having dawn exercise drills during training, and "restrict or control diet" by banning junk food or requiring protein shakes for players. Because fuck the part where we evaluate if there was INFORMED CONSENT regarding the restrictions and considering whether or not these requirements or limitations were outlined in a CONTRACTUAL AGREEMENT FOR AN ATHLETE'S WELLBEING or if they were MISLED, MANIPULATED OR DECEIVED ABOUT THE RULES AND THEIR PURPOSE???

[ihavenothingtodo10220]

do u ever think how in life we are told to aim for so much success and reach our full potential but then every other average person including celebs, idols etc etc are or have already done so, so why should we also need so much wealth or why should we need to put ourselves out there.

im constantly torn between wanting a simple affordable life that id be happy with maybe in the countryside (but its not affordable nowadays to live simply we still have to slave away) and the other side is that i have a need to constantly prove myself and to gain some type of recognition cause we are always told from kids to aim for the top paying jobs etc etc, most of that is what celebs have or do. i mean it cant always be that great what do rich ppl keep buying for each other dont they run out of things to own eventually cause they already own most rich people items?

fair enough if celebs and idols have talents but i dont im not even remotely pretty enough to do whatever it is they do but again its alwayd the what if i wouldve done things differently, maybe it would feel less narcissitic to want a bit of what celebs have if i already had done something differently yonks ago

the other issue is i no longer feel so attached to society if at all like i dont care to succeed i dont care to fail, im neither fussed if im alive or dead it just dont matter to me anymore, in the end the only thing thats going to happen is i will eventually pass away so no ones exactly going to miss me even in death or heaven as people still have their own lives i wouldnt or havent been anyone special at all

its almost saying how it only matters if its someone rich and famous so we have to be a somebody in order to be remembered otherwise we generally end up being a nobody as it is the way the internet goes into meltdown when celebs pass away as if it wasnt to be expected at some point. but if we arent on social media or we dont have a following we honestly do not matter even if we dont have partners or social group either like im so irrelevant no one gonna notice bar immediate family if i stop existing rofl

the way we have to do everything via a screen and screens are everywhere doesnt help me at all cause i feel further distanced from folk and like i dont belong, i dont need nor want a following but its almost being forced on all of us like people.

even idols cant do anything without needing to show their fans but the idols wouldnt notice every single fan to ever exist would they? all the interactions with celebs that fans have is always monentary or beifly. stays even treat bangchan like a long term permenanttherapist friend. yet neither if them truly know one another, so why do we get so attached to the idea of having thoughts and feelings towards someone whos never going to know us so again it dont matter if we do or dont exist as long as these idols and celebs briefly have enough fame for them to get by

but then what am i someone who just does nothing for a living cause i dont want what others want out of life if that makes sense? i either end up feeling like im from the wrong era dont belong with my generation dont belong with next generations would probably have preferred being in previous generations when things were simpler and affordable

sorry if this ask is a bit morbid, nihilistic or pessimistic i have so many mixed thoughts and feelings about existing lately what do you think? i mean obviously there is much narcissism in the world as it is so wouldnt we just be adding to it? am i just having nearly mid life crisis early? idfk anymore

Honestly people tell you to aim high because not only is it the best way to survive, but also because you can easily improve things. Many people who’ve done a lot were considered sub par, and the main reason they did was pure spite to the people who looked down on them and had more, and then they eventually became those people. It’s a cycle, and it’s human nature. And in this society, whether we like it or not, only the successful can truly be sure they can make it. Even middle-class families can easily crash and burn in the blink of an eye with losing their job and end up without anything to eat. But the successful don’t really have to worry about that, because they have a lot to fall back on. Things are also getting more and more expensive, and only the wealthy can really keep up with that. It’s sad, but reality.

And yeah, I think fans put so much pressure on idols because they’re just that. Idols. They idolize them and see them as these perfect beings far above any and everything, and they delude themselves into thinking they can be with them one day. So if an idol makes one wrong move, or dates someone, that false image comes crashing down. You don’t see that in the west simply because we don’t idolize celebrities to that same capacity. To us they’re not necessarily idols, and they’re much more open about their humanity.

[mabeysomeclasspecting]

You're still doing requests? Awesome! Can you classpect mine 🥺 no need to rush with it ofc, pace yourself! Uhh, lets see.

1. What are your interests/hobbies?

i have a lot of interests but if i have to put a pin on them, its always about exploring something new. watching a mysterious internet arg, writing down worldbuilding ideas, getting myself lost because my hometown start to get too samey, exploring abandoned buildings, and watching plays and backyard gigs. which is ironic because i live in a small-ish town, there is not much excitement or exploration to be done in here, but i make do. other interests of mine would be music. i like music that are weird, distorted, and just off. i love it when the rhythm is a discordant mess. however, just because i seem to go out a lot doesnt mean im the social type. i mean, i try to be, i kinda have to get used to keeping secrets and doing things all alone to get some freedom / agency in life.

2. How Do You See Yourself?

Honestly it depends on which character i latched on to that week. I dont really care for having an internal self. Whatever serves what i want best is my current self. But, turns out im not that good as a social chameleon. So, one thing I can recognize about myself is i don't quit and give up on things even when I should. When I want things, I might not be very motivated to get it, but I'll always work on it no matter how long it takes or how many times it has failed. Oftentimes I worry that im too slow and that no matter how much patience and devotion i have to my wants, I just dont have enough energy to actually get it. Or i'll end up ruining myself in the process.

3. How do you think others see you

Unforgettable. Striking. strange and offputting. Acquaintaces say im okay but a little aloof/strange. My family say i work hard but i have no sense of self preservation, tbh i think theyre biased. My friends think im smart and a little impressive. But closest besties, despite my best efforts, see that i used to be super sheltered and inexperienced in social settings. its terrible!

4. How do you interact with your friends?

Hm, depends on what kind of friends. if theyre the hangout friend, i'll just sit back and occasionally make them laugh with my dumb antics and give out some trivias to make things fun and easy. If theyre the deep conversation friend, i would try to impress them with how much i know. its overcompensating i know.

Its not all roses with me though. Some of my friends did say i can be unsympathetic to their problems. which is surprising to them because they thought im nice. i didnt mean it, i guess i just dont get why people just lament instead of finding a solution. its so... helpless. i dont want to be my younger self who let himself get trapped in his own house and miss out on so much life because theyre too afraid to act. so why people do nothing but feel sad when awful things happen is beyond me. And that comes out harsh when people are used to my lighthearted, easygoing self.

5. What's Important To You

I need to feel good about myself. And that's very much reliant on me working for my dreams. Not some escapism or fantasy. I also want change, a kinder world, justice. I want everyone to get whats been stolen from them. However, I spent so much time and wasted so many opportunities because of that dream, it almost feel like its holding me back from permanently feeling good for myself. but when i think about it, im not angry or disappointed. I like to see the silver lining in everything i guess. but there's limits to this. Yknow the phrase "fighting the good fight?" i think, its not enough to fight, you have to win, no matter how many rules you break or how many things become collateral damage. doesnt matter if youre in the right side of history or how many times you prove bigots wrong if you keep losing and dying. and thats a matter of action and bravery, not morals.

6. Describe the ideal you, what kind of person do you strive to be?

Impressive. Capable and competent at everything. Scares people but in a good way. Get shit done. Have sick-ass tattoos, have lots of friends, Can be relied on for everything. And have traveled to so many places and get so many extraordinary experiences.

(note : i wanted to send you an ask a few months ago, but there was a sudden blackout in my area right after i hit send. pretty sure its gone to the void! but just to make sure, if you see an ask thats similar in content to this (i remember saying i like internet horror, args, music, and urban exploration!) its probably mine! you dont have to answer that)

and my signoff emojis : 🫧🌪️

Hello! I definitely think that ask got lost, but I'm happy to classpect you now :)

Aspects: Breath, Heart, Time

Classes: Prince, Thief, Maid

You seem like a solid Prince of Breath to me! I feel pretty certain, but play around with those other ones if that doesn't feel right

Hope this helps!

[skullzanta]

Im going to be real here: One thing you have missed is not something that is your fault in any way: It isn't just engagement, this is worse. Corporate involvement. It is not simply that engagement is our enemy, it is that it is a tool of our enemy. It is a method of our enemy. And yes, corporations ARE our enemy, why? Because there needs to be a balance BETWEEN Work AND Life, you cannot mix both. And what is every single dumb CEO doing? Mixing them for its own short gains.

CEOs are almost never good people. And no, Im not being classist. Consider the circumstances of which a CEO is likely to grow up in:

Surrounded by Business Talk that has resulted in Successes, so listen to this success as the thing that raises you.

Has Rich Parents who mean struggle is minimized unless artificially enforced, which pins the child to blame on the parent rather than on poor life skills since the parent has a duty to take care of the child.

As a result of a lack of need to, there is likely very low social interaction with anyone not involved with either business or pre-existing family friendships, thus making isolation.

Lack of non-business focused influences, and alot of "Sharks" exist. "Shark" being a term I use for someone who will chase money as ruthlessly and aggressively as a shark to a trail of blood due to greed and low morals.(Note: Not all sharks, only business sharks, Blahaj is bestie)

Complete lack of Perspectives in most cases as most people WILL move into richer neighbhorhoods if given the chance so they can enjoy better living conditions.

Now- Why did I go through all of this seemingly unrelated Stuff? ALL of the problems the internet is facing is for profit.

Bots? Marketing and Quick Bucks(Scams)

Algorithms? Pushes you into cycles of dependency so you become more involved in the place they control

Censorship? Corporations bow to shareholders, who control their company. And Shareholders have had recent trends of being extremists. Either as puritans, Extremist Right Wing or as extremist Liberals(The kind that intentionally force diversity instead of making it natural or fit in properly)

Sponsorships? This speaks for itself almost, but we have not fully commented on the state of them. Sponsorships are symbiotic, and parasitism is a type of symbiosis very common with them. You know how often you skip those sponsor segments as they feel robotic and not the person? Its almost as if corporate meddling is influencing youtubers themselves.

Media Metas? Regardless of however you feel about them: Dream, Mr. Beast, Logan Paul, Pewdiepie, and Corporations have all contributed to metas revolving around content algorithms and permanently changed how everyone defaultedly makes content, its now geared to juice as much benefit as possible, even when it makes the product worse. (Note: Pewdiepie did not contribute as much as the others, but he DID have an influence with the war against T-Series, which ironically boosted competitiveness)

ALL of these things are for profit, ALL of them are caused or influenced by "For Profit" ideas. NONE of these things help us without hurting us as well. Sponsorships are the closest to being mutualistic and STILL cause a temporary degradation of quality like an abyss into hell. The corporates are our enemies, not simply engagement alone. I believe that you need to incorporate(snrk, unintended funny) this because you have spoken a part of the problem out in good detail, but it is a very common issue for us to see problems only as they get bad enough to notice...

Because often we are not communicating enough. Often we are failing to notice basic things because its Normalized. But above all, Its because we're divided. For one reason or another, be it russian sabotoge, corporations, trolls, or whatever is the cause(s) of this, We are being intentionally divided into sects and segments. We are not communicating our different mindsets well. And I KNOW im missing things because the competitiveness angle is something I missed. So let us work together, and make a better internet by actually educating people and hopefully taking action.

Yknow what, Jack's right. At this point I wanna go back to how I used to interact online and just create for the sake of creating Definitely suggest watching the video

[teeto-peteto]

Okay. I’m not done ranting yet. Something that particularly irks me is when people… “waifu” the female characters? Like, the fanart gives them all the same face, the same curious/innocent blush? And I don’t know. It’s weird.

*switching sides...* (im joking i just like having the name i gave myself when i was 15, cringe and not shameless)

Absolutely marbelous rant indeed and this is highly tied up to the hypersexualization that goes over the internet and a lot of social situations that happen to internet users along the years of using social media and being exposed to pornography.

I will try not to rant too much and overextend but fair warning: It will most probably happen. Sadly, this happens all the time. Its no secret that League Of Legends is one of the most searched and most profitable sources to produce porn off. Im not sure if you're referring to this or just making slightly suggestive art of random characters like Diana and giving her this innocent girl-esque type of personality that is literally not hers...? Either way both are tied to hypersexualization and the roles given to women that still prevail nowdays.

Being completely honest, this is partially Riot's fault. No secret they always sexualize their characters (Both male and female but, you know, in comparasion the women sexualization is heavier) and they dont even try to stop this. Small design opinion/concept: I think they should have done Briar very very skinny, to the point of bones marking, instead of making her a feast for people with thigh and feet fixations. Its not bad that she has this body type and it somewhat makes sense why her thighs are like that but... You know, they could have given her this very famelic and ''creepy'' (not because anorexia is creepy, but because her vampire in starve condition everyone dismisses) look, make everytime she moves around that her bones crack or rattle... more thristy, more hungry. At this point she just looks like a girl that craves for chicken nuggets. She's would be creepy not because of her body type but because of this failed experiment 'russian sleep experiment'-esque type of character.

Yet they gave her a normal look. I dont want to think that the feet were intentional, i honestly dont want to think it that way... I just prefer to think that people fixated on this because of fetish and not because Riot thought it was a marketable strategy to sell a barefoot champion...

Ever noticed that League Of Legends porn featuring male champions (In heterosexual intercourses) are often the dominant, degradating and disrespectful? Ever noticed that the least manly characters of the same gender are often ridiculized or only used in meme porn? Ever noticed how female champions no matter her personality or sexuality (Portrayed in heterosexual intercourses) are 99% of the time the submissive part, being degradated and humilliated to the point of abuse of sexual, physical and mental type? And that it apparently turns on people? Ever noticed how the POC characters both male and female are either ridiculized or extremely fetishized in racist ways? Ever noticed that characters who are confirmed lesbians are portrayed in a fetishized way for heterosexual men even having them with male sexual interaction because 'oh we are lesbians but we'd love to have ur dick in our mouth'? Ever noticed there's porn of Annie and nobody gives a flying fuck and excuses it as jokes? The Zoe never ending discussion of 'she's 10000 years old she's allowed to be pornifyed'? Ever noticed there is bestiality in this community and nobody gives a flying fuck either?

When you form yourself a community of heterosexual men that will degradate women for even enjoying the same game they do, and you extend your hand as a company to give them sexualized by base characters, and you also give this to creepy artists, wich always have demand of new artwork portraying characters this way. League fanbase doesnt respect shit. Im not saying everything has to be vanilla but how damn high is the percentage of porn can be considered abuse and non-con? Why the fuck is this so normalized.

Look, to summarize, and using Diana's example for before. Its okay if you want to (for example) headcanon Diana or make a canon divergence where she is a lolita-dressed girl that is stubborn but sweet in the end. That is completely fine. It is not okay to portray Diana in a childish, exploitative and lolicon type brat just so you can jack off.

my honest opinion: do not expose yourself to league of legends porn. I've done it, and its traumatizing to watch sometimes, at least for a person like me who is both very sensitive to a lot of topics but also very radical with own opinions. Do not watch porn in general. Its the best advice you can get out there. Im being completely honest.

[twicethetrouble]

Fun turtle crossover im probably never going to write

Mikey (2003/2012/And Rise) all accidentally end up in an extradimensional group chat.

- How? Mikey 2012 is how (here by known as Mikey)

-You know that episode where he befriends Chris Bradford online? That doesn't happen

- Instead, Donny realizes that social media might not be the best fit for his technologically inept brother and puts him on one of those random chatroom sites with the thought that he couldn't get into too much trouble there.

- He does.

- Let's just say for the sake of this crossover that all Michelangelos have (at least some) mystic energy, even if they don't know it. (rise mikey is f-ing powerful and that rolls over a bit to even non-mystic dimensions)

- And Mikey really wants friends that would understand him. 

- Thus instead of getting paired with randoms within his universe, that bit of mystic makes sure he gets connected with alternates of himself. Specifically Michael-2003 and Angelo-Rise.

- and they just stay connected.

- They don't realize it at first. They just think they're 3 random teens with similar interests 

- (Michael sharing the joys of Silver Sentry comics, while Angelo does the same with Jupiter Jim and Lu Jitsu (not that either Mikey or Michael can find anything on them))

- Then one day, Mikey (having forgotten they didn't know about the turtle mutant thing) sends a funny pic of Raph sleeping with a stuffed animal into the chat.

- The chat blows up.

- Not because they realize they're the same person. No, the three now are just super excited about how there's more turtles in NYC.

- It starts being a new thing with them, sending funny pictures/videos of them or their siblings into the chat. 

- But as the similarities start adding up, they come to realize there's something up. 

- (With maybe a failed meetup to emphasize that they really are in separate dimensions.)

- I just think it would be neat for them to interact throughout their cannon stories to both encourage and worry about each other (and help them get through everything along the way)

(also the idea of them trading advise/skills/ideas is fantastic. Angelo introducing the other two to internet memes, Mikey hearing about either of their villains of the week and giving them silly nicknames, Michael suggesting various pranks for unsuspecting brother. Oh, art trades between the three!? the possibilities are endless.)

(Plus an entire part that's just Donald-Rise borrow Angelo's phone to call out Donny-2012 for being a simp while Don-2003 sits in the chat (b/c Michael handed him the phone like "it's for u") just furiously taking notes on personality differences vs world differences. Which would eventually evolve into just the three Donny’s geeking out over tech and science for the rest of the day until one of their brothers finally ends up begging for their phone back.)

[jeffgerstmann]

thinkin about how much i miss IM services, and how they were the means to communicate. social media and discord feel too public, and their means of private chat feel too intimate, compared to like, AIM, or MSN, or heck Y!M. you had people on your list. fuckin talk to them, who cares. they've been in Away status for 10 hours? that just means you can ramble about nothing, forever! damn. wait shit i guess this sorta counts. everything tumblr related fails, so maybe we're good here.

For a long time (longer than it should have been, really) AIM was the way you talked to people who worked in and around video games. I had been using it for years at that point so it all naturally fit, but it quickly became the first thing to fall in the work/life separation thing that technology did to us all. So I was using it both to talk to whatever weird afterparty girls I was talking to on myspace _and_ conducting business on it? It was so vital in so many ways, I was sorta crushed when it shut down, even though by the end I think I was only using it to message people I sat right next to at work and John Drake.

Discord kinda captures the pre-AIM IRC part of my internet years pretty well, while the private messaging is at least a little AIM-like. But now all that shit is spread out and I feel like I have to check like nine different places to keep up with work stuff. I don't routinely read my Twitter DMs, especially the ones that come from strangers, which is probably not the smartest thing in the world. I wonder if there are people still sending me messages on Facebook?

Yeah, I sent a lot of late-night bullshit at various people when they were (smartly) away. AIM fuckin' ruled. I was into Trillian, fuck the official AIM client.

I do still really like that Discord has gotten me in touch with old friends (I rounded up many of those old IRC weirdos, who still just seem to talk about South Park all the time for some reason) and lets me interact with a whole menagerie of new, like-minded dummies. Discord has really been, like, a vital thing for me, mentally, as a part of this shift to working from home.

[simonalkenmayer]

so i cosplay and i write fanfic, so on those two accounts getting attention for my art would be pretty cool! im not immune to how nice it feels to be recognized. on the other hand, if that recognition spread beyond fandom spaces or even just got a little too much for my liking i don't think i could handle it

(by "too much" i'd say getting really lucky and if i had like 10k that would be fun, but that's like right on the edge of me going "nope nope nope". and i wouldn't want that for me, personally, you know? I'd want it to be for what i create, not an interest on who I am beyond that. i would be uncomfortable (even if a bit excited as i think most of us are prone to be) much much faster if i got fame over myself.)

i'd probably feel more obligated to do what i do and not just enjoy it, it would be way more anxiety inducing because i would feel "responsible" somehow - even if realistically i would not be. and then at that point i'd burn myself out or just ghost my social media until people forgot about me.

i like having a small group of people who know me in my corner of the internet, it's less lonely that way, but i don't want to be Known.

I’ll say this: if you get close to that number of followers, you have to have a plan. You either have to ignore everyone or learn how to filter and limit your interactions. You absolutely should not ever read critique of your art unless you can do so calmly. If you can’t, then that’s going to require some maturing for you—though that reaction is usually due to abuse and trauma. People raised to try and fail without fear do better than those taught to be the best or have fear.

Point is, there’s no way to protect yourself fully.

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[wheremyscalesslither]

About snakes, this blog, breeding, and the future

Please let me bare my soul, and if i can be needy for a second and beg for some positive reinforcement, id really appreciate your replies. Hell ill even turn asks and anons back on if you all promise to be gentle 😭 sorry this is sooo long, but i have a need to say it.

Sorry its not snake pics lately, and ive been so sparse in posting pictures. I have been putting more energy into working as a high school teacher and building shit and investing time in my hobbies.

I got a message from a younger dude asking for help understanding something and it made me think: When it comes to new keepers, I much prefer interacting with millenials and younger in the snake community. Even new keepers who are older tend to ignore advice from young people and any gender that isn't man. And the latter they tend to try and humiliate, even if the younger person knows what they are talking about.

I totally get why i became so bitter on the internet, and why sometimes i still react poorly (among just failing to train the impulsivity and negativity in my life). Ive finally found a pretty decent balance and healthy relationship with social media, which is a huge step away, at least at the rate i have already. I still slip on super bad days and fail to recognize and stop myself before i act like a complete dick, but i feel like im finally getting back into a place where im more positive, and helpful, and less reactive. And im learning to stay off the internet when i have bad days and CANT stop myself, but still slip 🤷‍♂️ idk im trying and doing well i feel haha

I also realized in the last year that breeding ball pythons isnt why i enjoy ball pythons. Dont get me wrong- i LOVE GENETICS and breeding, but keeping them a d enjoying their behavior is much more satisfying than pumping out babies.

I made the decision to down size, hopefully to 5-10 snakes within 3 years. I still have specific plans for breeding id like to accomplish, and i think id like to have a couple animals to breed every now and then, but i dont need or want this many breeding animals. I think somewhere along the lines i wanted to be "impressive" and gain the respect of everyone in the community, and that became ingrained in me, even though i forgot the reason i was intending to breed so many animals.

Then i remembered, i dont give a fuck what other people think.

I care, Least of all, what the majority of the breeding hobby thinks of me. Everyone knows my gripes with minimum care and promoting minimum care, but the sexism, ageism, and ignorance, and elitist attitude of the majority of breeders are other heavy parts that i didnt realize were taking a toll on me. Why the heck would i ever want to impress or be respected by those types of people? OHHHH I dont. Duh. Reality check!!!

Plus, ball pythons are lame. They are over done, and everyone thinks they are special for owning one, but we really arent. We are the bottom of the barrel in reptile keeping. I never considered myself epic for owning and breeding BPs, though my damn attitude never reflected that.

Anyhow, it's hard for me to think about breeding lately. Its hard to sell to pet owners, all my friends who want and can care for snakes have them, and the animal's i breed for are like.... breeding animals as far as genes go. Ive considered also lowering the prices as a special for new keepers, since many of my pairings are like breeding types, but im not gonna lie, the money is tempting to out them at market value, and the idea of getting back some of what input into just animals purchases sounds great.

Im not sure where i will go yet, but my heart hurts thinking about putting my snakes into an industry standard rack, or someone who doesnt have similar values in general.

As for this blog, im gonna keep posting snake pictures probably until tumblr goes under. I have full intentions to update and expand my resources, but i rarely have a moment where i actually WANT to do so.

SO ANYHOW thats everything

Sorry this is so long

[toddhowardxreader]

so there is a very real possibility i could have contracted covid (despite not being in public since before christmas and having taken every possible precaution for an entire year).

my sisters friend came over for a couple days last week (thursday to monday) and he tested negative for covid the day he left to drive up here.

but on wednesday he got in touch with my sister and told her he got another test and it tested positive.

so if he got it when he was here. then there is a chance she could have it and then a chance i could too.

we dont know if he got it when he was here or when he went back to campus and we have literally no way of testing ourselves to find out if we are safe.

like legitimately no course of action we could take. neither of us have a car. our insurance is extremely limited. i cant afford a mail order test. i dont even know how the tests work but it doesnt matter because we have no one to take us anywhere. im stunlocked into having no idea at all how to deal with the situation.

on top of being unbelievably devastatingly upset and frustrated by all of this and the idea that despite dedicating months of my life to never seeing another human i still could have caught it regardless.

and i feel even worse because i had so many plans for this week that are all ruined. i was going to see my family this weekend and then visit my best friend and then some of my internet friends were coming down from their state to visit and i was so looking forward to all of this but im not risking any of it if its not 100% safe to be around me.

and complaining feels so shitty because people have lost so much more to this virus than just a week of social events but i really cannot stress how i dont go anywhere, i dont see anyone, i dont do anything, 6/7 days a week the only other living creature i interact with is my ferret. its been awful and painful to be so alone but apparently none of it was even worth it in the end.

anyways i be feeling more miserable than i have in a long time so ✌ maskign the pain thru cringe hyperfixations and fail shitposts ig ig

[somnilogical]

like the evil people at cfar & affiliates have no philosophical leg to stand on and they know it. all they can do is violate their wistleblower policy, try and make a narrative where they see which transfem they can dismiss as crazy / rapist / brainwashed. trying tentative exploratory lies in each direction. then when challenged being like "ah no i didnt mean it like that!! i love trans women!" and then doing it again.

ive documented so many of them. a lot of the lies were calculated such that it would be mortifying to repeat them even to correct them. like elle benjamin saying emma thought torturing children was hot. thats a lie. or kelsey piper saying emma was indistinguishable from a rapist.

but the correct response at these tentative tries at defamation is to repost them in full and drive straight against the expectation that you wouldnt want to repeat these lies aimed to eliminate people who could disrupt the social order.

here's kelsey piper comparing emma to brent dill, saying they are indistinguishable from a rapist for talking about philosophy on the internet:

https://pastebin.com/tje4hN33

heres emmas parse of it:

<<actual lintamande quotes simplified:

glass said [they tried to do what a] person really endorsedly wanted [...] even if the person claimed they wanted something different

[they may have been seeking social] proof that we didn't really have an ethical injunction against it

and part of my main concern about glass, etc. is that their priors seem really really off to me?

so if they say they'll use their social priors to decide when it's appropriate to violate peoples' preferences, I am more scared than if someone whose social priors seem sensible to me says that

combination of two things. one is that, yes, people's "this person is manipulating me and coercing me" detectors ping, at glass in particular, and asking people to turn down their 'this person is manipulating me and coercing me' detectors is a big ask and not always good for them

with comments interspersed about Brent so that people would associate me with him>>

lex (trans) noted this pattern about the chatroom:

<<[11:19] alexander: they’re like... kiiiinda incapable of criticizing the ethical positions of a trans woman without lowkey calling her a rapist. which is like all cis people ever but i’m not happy with it>>

heres elle benjamin choosing to "believe" the lie that emma thought child abuse was hot:

(emma was never let in the "feminist" group to...talk about their experience of being abused.)

heres elle benjamin talking about how much she loves trans women and has empathy for emma being abused. while lying about emma thinking child abuse was hot and lying about them having been violent and banning them from the "rationalist feminist" group they mod. (using the same excuse kingsley did when he said that he chose to believe the lie that anna salamon, president of cfar, wasnt involved in hiring at cfar. "oh someone else told me this." as if that shunts responsibility on to someone else for you believing obvious lies. (it doesnt. someone telling you stereotyped lies about minorities doesnt abdicate responsibility for joining in with the mob.)):

its all so deeply evil what these people are doing. but all they have is "for vague unspecified reasons its Deeply Wise not to listen to what these people say" *sage nod* "they are infohazards, glitches in the matrix, we should all agree on a social norm of ignoring these people." because they are actually wrong and will lose in a debate if they have to justify, say, why they are saying OpenAI and DeepMind have 'alignment teams' when they know thats not true. or why 0 trans women have ever been hired by cfar. or why miri lied about what happened to the fundraiser. or why who is baked in to an fai as morally relevant is determined by a political process, excluding those who have died and nonhuman sentience. or 1000 other questions they can not answer.

these exploratory tendrils of "what lies based on nothing can we get away with?" they also did this with somni and ziz and gwen, the lies they try have a pattern of being blatantly transmisogynistic. for instance patrick sensa lavictoire after sinking a marginal 71,000$ into a failed fundraiser, tried the lie of [ziz is a "gross uncle" style abuser like brent]. https://pastebin.com/TUZ7EThz

there are a lot of avenues people tried that i have catalogued. pete michaud (listed on the cfar staff page) tried saying that ziz was tall and anna was a ~small vulnerable cis woman~. one of these people is the president of a large organization.

<<I'll preface by saying outright that what follows is a full throated, shameless defense of Anna, my friend and colleague, against untrue and ungrounded accusations.

[…]

1. An accusation of Anna that might actually land is that she is a little fast to feel threatened in social situations. She is a woman who is unusually small and has dealt with minor physical disabilities from childhood. She is a full-grown, competent person who navigates life fine (probably better than most, frankly), but the sense of physical vulnerability has deep roots, and she carries it into her social interactions.

2. The context with Ziz is long, and importantly begins prior to Ziz's gender transition. Anna's perspective on a lot of their early interactions is as a small, socially-vulnerable woman, interacting with a male-presenting person who towers over her, and has a penetrating social presence and quite unusual mannerisms that are a combination of low-affect and extremely direct (a combination easy to interpret as aggressive or depersoning).>>

https://pastebin.com/Y5E8d29D

pastel (trans) commented: <<pete michaud's post is invalid

you don't have to read ziz's blog to understand that he is doing bullshit stereotypy

"full-throated defense" suck anna's cock a little deeper, buddy

"anarchists are scary and evil, they throw bombs and wear black">>

pete is a sycophant and probably since he hangs around anna is used to an environment where you can just be this transmisogynistic. anna certainly expected the strat pete is trying to work on ziz.

<<At WAISS, my intent to not be net negative was partially consumed by the intent of Anna Salamon to prevent whistleblowing, and by her timeless gambit that trans women must know our place as inferior to not be “dangerous”.>>

there are a lot more. all playing on transmisogynistic stereotypes, all not true or not relevant. probably the easiest coordination mechanism for ostracism these people could locate.

fortunately for the fate of sentient life in the multiverse, transfems have been talking with each other and know the metagame so when cfar affiliates push the button that activates the trapdoor to flush transfems out im just levitating above empty space.

they could have read the metagame too, but i guess all they would have chosen to see was painful infohazardous static. frying their brain, making their eyes bleed. which honestly is pretty metal. credit to porpentine for neurotype stenography. i know way more about their strategy than they do.

[vclffcremhut-blog]

Easy Guidelines To Can You See Who Views Your Instagram In 2019

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[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.