#im dyinggg what is that😭😭 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mariaofdoranelle · 2 years ago

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“It was so domestic, the sight of her there on his couch that it nearly sent him spiraling, imagining what could’ve been.” 🧍🏻‍♀️you really want to start like this don’t you

“He was the man in the bar,” i knew it..

“her door was wide open.” WHAT

“Not that he’d leave without seeing her, right?” the poor thing

why

would she follow

kaltain’s instructions

WHY

WAS ROWAN

KISSING REMELLE

morgan i’m hurting

“Because no matter what she’d tried to convince herself, he was never going to love her back.” I’M DYINGGG

THERE’S JUST ONE WHO COULD MAKE HER STAY

‘“You can’t leave.” He shook his head, panic flashing across his face.’ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“I’m a prostitute, Rowan. She’d said, breaking his heart with the finality of it. Any interaction with the police is not going to end well for me.” why would you

“I bet.” bring the pettiness i’m ready

“Or… a truth that hurt… maybe he’d never understood her at all.” he really didn’t

“Whatever it was, Rowan wanted to be there for her.” the poor thing he has no idea

“All of the times she’d hid her tears because of some asshole at school, and he’d just brushed it aside in his search for his own popularity.” so he recognizes that 🤨

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE REALIZED HE LOVES HER NOW

NOW

AND NOT EIGHT YEARS AGO

I’M CRYING BECAUSE FINALLY AND I’M ALSO LAUGHING SO MUCH BECAUSE FINALLY!!!!!!!

“but I see it was just a second thought to you. Just like I always was.” BRING THAT PETTINESS I’M READY

OH GOD

OH MY GOD

THIS PIECE OF DIALOGUE THIS IS HER ALL TOO WELL

“You were the only one who was ever there for me. But even then… you weren’t.” IM HURTING

“But you didn’t care, because you were Mr. Popular. And I was just the little charity case you didn’t need anymore.” MY JAW JUST DROPPED

MORGAN I DON’T HAVE WORDS

‘“It doesn’t matter,” Aelin said, though her voice shook, betraying the truth. It did matter. Because that was when she’d decided to leave.’

CORRECTION: I DON’T HAVE WORDS ONLY GOOSEBUMPS

“It doesn’t change that I’ve always been on my own.” the song💀 morgan i’m in AWE of the way you translated that song

HE TOLD HER

“You can’t. You don’t get to.” OH MY

“All of his senses had focused in on this stunningly strong woman in front of him. His best friend. The love of his life.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“Do you know how much that hurt?” YES I DO I WAS THERE CRYING STILL AM

TO WHATEVER END😭😭

THE KISS

I’M SO HAPPY

FORGET ALL THE TIMES I WAS MAD AT YOU I LOVE YOU MORGAN

“Don’t even finish that,” no words just crying emoji 😭😭😭😭

“The only thing it’s changed is me wanting to kill someone for the first time in my life,” this man 🥹

NOT AELIN ACCEPTING A DRINK FROM A STRANGER IN THE SHADIEST PLACE EVER

and the way she was looking at the piano when the bastard came morgan don’t you dare think i missed that

“To shove it in Rowan’s face and try to erase the touch he’d left on her skin?” girl…

“Rowan had been gentle, this man had not.” ……………..

“My mom made me take it off so she could clean it, but I put it right back on after you left that day.” OH THANK GOD i’m so relieved

i’m so glad his mom’s okay

“I just figured a call from the hospital would shake you up a bit, you weren’t answering my calls after all.” THAT SNEAKY THING I LOVE HER TO DEATH

“I’m assuming it’s you that’s been keeping My Rowan so busy?” YES😭😭 I LOVE THIS ENDING

“his mom told her not only that she’d grown into a beautiful young woman, but also that she was so, so proud of her.” how am i crying AGAIN

i love them so much and i’m so happy they’re going to orynth this is the best this is perfect

“But I do know we’ll be together.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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You're On Your Own, Kid

Part 3

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CW: mentions of cancer, implications of prostitution, mention of death, implications of child abuse, NSFW,

~ 11k words

it is complete 😭 this story has been quite the ride, and i would love to know what you all think; also, i'm trying to work on the formatting, i don't know why it's been so weird lately

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Now

Rowan groaned as he slowly returned to the waking world, his eyes bleary as he slowly cracked them open.

His whole body felt heavy with exhaustion, and he lifted a tired hand to rub at his face, his other unconsciously searching for the body at his side.

But he found nothing but sheets.

The thought shocked him awake, and he sat up, glancing over to find an empty bed. The cup of water and the pain medication was gone from his nightstand, and the door of his bedroom was open too. Had she -?

He stood up out of bed quickly, finding the shirt he’d abandoned at some point in the night. He didn’t normally sleep in one, so he’d stripped it off while half awake in the middle of the night. Aelin had been sleeping peacefully then.

But where was she now?

His brows were wrought together as he hurried out of his bedroom, hoping for a note or something to signal that she hadn’t just run away. Had she woken up and not known where she was? Had she not remembered last night? Had she gone back to her apartment, to that man she was so intimidated by?

His heart was racing as he hurried out into the living room, only relaxing when he saw Aelin perched on his couch, flipping through channels on the tv.

She was wearing one of his t-shirts, and was sipping on the glass of water as she watched whatever home improvement show she’d ended up on, her golden hair hanging loosely over her shoulders.

“Good morning,” she said, smiling thinly up at him. Her voice was hoarse. “I stole a shirt, I hope you don’t mind.”

Rowan just blinked, shaking his head and clearing his throat. “No,” he answered, “that’s fine.”

He kept staring at her, and eventually she just looked back at the TV, curling her feet up under her. It was so domestic, the sight of her there on his couch that it nearly sent him spiraling, imagining what could’ve been.

But he restrained himself and went to the kitchen to turn on his coffee maker. How else could he start off the day?

“Your mom called earlier, by the way,” her musical voice carried from the living room. “She didn’t leave a message.” He winced, but he couldn’t call her back right now. Not with Aelin finally relaxing in his apartment, a wish that was finally more than a figment of his imagination.

“I’ll make sure to get back to her. Do you want some coffee?” Rowan asked her over his shoulder, fiddling with the machine before reaching the box of mugs he hadn’t unpacked.

“Do you have any cream and sugar? Or am I expected to drink the shit you drink,” Aelin said, a small smile on her face and he chuckled slightly, shaking his head.

“Fair enough,” he said. “Hope you have coffee somewhere else because I do not have any of that sugary monstrosity.”

The kind she always used to drink. Or at least buy from the local coffee shop when they went there after school.

“I’ll just get some from my apartment,” Aelin replied, her gaze focused on the TV. “I don’t know how far away it is but I should probably be getting back.”

Rowan paused in the middle of pouring his own cup.

“What about -“ he started to say.

“Farran?” Aelin said wryly, relaxing back into the couch cushions. “I’ve been dealing with him long enough, he’ll get over the fact that I had one bad night.”

But despite the confident words, her voice wobbled with what sounded like fear.

Rowan clenched his jaw, finishing pouring his cup before moving to sit next to her on the couch. “How are you feeling?” He asked, instead of prying like he wanted to.

“Better,” she rasped. “Thank you, again. I don’t deserve your help.”

He narrowed his eyes at the addendum but didn’t say anything.

“I don’t usually seek out alcohol like that,” she shook her head. “But I needed the escape last night.”

“Hey,” Rowan said with a shrug. “I’m not here to judge, I was there too wasn’t I?” He sighed. “I just don’t want you to be in danger.”

Aelin seemed to be waging a battle within herself as she fought for what to say. A thousand different emotions flew across her face until she sighed, turning to look out the window into the morning sky.

“He was the man in the bar,” she nearly whispered. His heart stopped. “He helped me - start this life. And has reaped the benefits for eight years.” Rowan didn’t say anything, and didn’t move either.

“Say something,” Aelin urged, looking back at him. Her face was vulnerable.

He finally unclenched his jaw, sighing heavily. He shook his head, laughing humorlessly. “Well, I’d really like to go murder him right about now, but I won’t.” He met her nervous gaze.

“Why not?” She asked, her voice hoarse. “That’s not like you.” She smiled.

“It’s about you,” Rowan answered, sipping on his coffee. “Not me. I’m not going to go out there and fulfill my violent need for vengeance and forget your feelings. I’m here for you.”

Aelin’s lips wobbled and she looked away, trying to put those walls of hers back up.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. They sat in silence for a few minutes, the sound of the TV the only thing in the room, before - “I do need to go back though.”

She uncurled her feet and set them down on his carpet. “I have an appointment tonight.”

Rowan just nodded, smiling tightly. “Yeah,” he rasped. “If that’s what you want to do.”

Aelin didn’t answer. And didn’t look at him once as they got ready to leave.

----

Rowan decided to walk her upstairs to her apartment, wanting to make sure that no one was lingering from the night before.

They hadn’t exchanged many words on the taxi ride over there, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was peaceful, and it felt a little bit like old times.

She’d laced a hand into his on the seat in between them, and hadn’t let it go as they’d left the taxi, entering her apartment building and heading into the elevator. And hadn’t said a thing about it.

Neither did he, but as the elevator zoomed up to her floor, he squeezed her hand once. She squeezed back.

And when he chanced a glance over, a small smile was curling on her lips.

At least, until they got onto her floor and stepped out onto the landing, the sight in front of them making both of them freeze.

There…across the hallway…her door was wide open.

He could practically feel Aelin’s heart racing as they walked toward it. He couldn’t deny his was too, his palms sweating as they approached the apartment.

She reached for the door handle, pushing the door open even farther. The lock was busted open, hanging loosely and leaving her apartment free to walk in and out.

“Fuck,” she cursed under her breath as they stepped inside. It was completely trashed.

Dishes had been pulled from cabinets and smashed on the floor, cushions pulled off the couch and books thrown off the shelves. One look into her bedroom revealed her comforter ripped off and clothes thrown out of her closet. The other bedroom door was open too, the red velvet comforter and sheets torn up and her stash of lingerie all over the floor.

Her red silk robe looked like it’d been stomped on or covered in something, the once pristine material completely ruined.

But the worst…

Scrawled out in what looked like lipstick or some sort of makeup taken from her bathroom, covering the wall right over the TV, was the word SLUT.

Rowan couldn’t breathe, and he looked cautiously over to Aelin at his side. Her jaw was clenched and she sighed through her nose.

“He wasn’t very creative,” she admonished sarcastically, “like I haven’t heard that slur before.”. But then her eyes went wide. Rowan watched as she dropped his hand, hurrying toward the room where her piano was.

He hurried after her cautiously, watching from the door as she knelt on the ground, piling up her thrown journals.

“Are they okay?” He asked, and she nodded. Her hands were trembling, showing she was more disturbed by this than she wanted to admit.

“I guess he was upset I wasn’t here,” she said, her voice tight as she stood up, the journals in her hand.

“You shouldn’t stay,” Rowan said carefully, trying to sound convincing but not pushing. Aelin sniffed, nodding without a fight.

“Yeah,” she said, wiping at her eyes before looking over at him. “Can I stay with you?”

He smiled softly, nodding once. “Of course. Always.”

---

Eight Years Ago

Aelin’s hands were trembling. They were shaking so badly her phone was rattling in her hand, her body humming with nerves as she walked down the bleachers. It was dark outside, well into the evening, but summer was creeping up quickly, leaving the air sticky and humid.

It’d been a week after prom, a week after losing her virginity to the best friend that she was undoubtedly in love with, and she’d finally decided to tell him. She couldn’t keep living like this if she didn’t.

She’d debated on when and where to do it, to potentially catastrophically ruin their friendship forever, but she’d decided this would be the best time. It was the spring football game, which was just a scrimmage, but Rowan had clearly been the star of the show, with several great touchdown passes and runs, and it’d been announced that he would be the captain next year. She was so incredibly proud of him and how hard he worked.

And she wanted to tell him that, the right way. With an I Love You.

Aelin had tossed and turned the night before, but she wasn’t sleepy. In fact, she was the opposite of sleepy as she walked down the bleachers, leaving her safe haven in the top corner and entering the mob. The spring game was relatively inconsequential, but it always attracted a huge crowd, and she saw a lot of her fellow juniors throughout the pack of people.

It was loud, with unnecessary celebration, and she caught glimpses of various plans to go out and party, either downtown with fake IDs or at some various seniors' houses. Aelin, of course, wasn’t invited. But Rowan was sure to be.

She just had to catch him before he left.

Not that he’d leave without seeing her, right?

Aelin glanced around, searching for a shock of silver hair. She couldn’t see him where the other football players were emerging, greeting girlfriends and friends and parents. It was hectic, and busy, and her heart was racing with a bit of panic as she began maneuvering through the crowd.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Remelle’s whole gaggle of girls, and she glanced away quickly, heading in the opposite direction. She was not in the mood to deal with them, especially after successfully avoiding all of them for the week since prom.

She’d actually missed class two days that week, holding herself up in her room to write music instead. She’d had too many emotions to spill after her night with Rowan, too much eating away at her to ignore in favor of mindless lectures. Arobynn hadn’t given a damn, and she’d just avoided him too. It’d been twenty six days since her last bruise, and she was determined to extend the record.

“Looking for Rowan?” A voice reached her ears, and Aelin turned, seeing Kaltain Rompier leaning against the fence, tilting her head at her. She was one of Remelle’s best friends, and Aelin looked at her warily but nodded. “He’s down that way,” Kaltain said, gesturing toward the fence line, going around behind the concessions building.

“Thanks,” she said after hesitating a moment, slowly turning to head that way. She didn’t trust any of them, but she really wanted to find Rowan.

She wished it was cold so she could have a jacket to hug around herself as she headed down the sidewalk, maneuvering through the crowd to get behind the concessions stand.

Her fingers tapped an idle melody as she got closer and closer, her sneakers hitting the concrete with each step.

Her heart was racing, full of nerves and anticipation as she finally rounded the corner, the words nearly bursting from her lips. But then she stopped, nearly tripping over her own feet.

She couldn’t believe her eyes.

There…was Rowan still in his football uniform, leaning against the brick wall of the concessions building, with - with Remelle leaning up against him. She watched, sharp nausea racing through her as Remelle leaned up, pressing a kiss to Rowan’s lips. Lips that Aelin had kissed just the week before.

Gods, she was going to throw up. Why her? Of all people, why her?

Aelin had known it was unlikely Rowan would care for her the same way she cared for him, she’d known that and still decided it was worth taking that risk. But now… this just proved that he really didn’t care about her at all.

He said she was his best friend, he spoke those pretty words and acted like she mattered to him. But if he did, how could he do this?

She pressed her lips tightly together to try and stop the trembling, trying not to cry at the sight in front of her.

It was only then that Remelle pulled back, turning to smirk at Aelin, who she clearly spotted down at the other end. Rowan looked then, his eyes widening as he saw her there. He opened his mouth to say something, but she didn’t give him the chance.

Instead, she ran.

Aelin turned on her heels, bolting from the entire football stadium. It was too crowded to sprint outright, but she walked as quickly as possible, wiping at the tears falling down her cheeks.

“Aelin!” She heard Rowan call after her, and she sped up, fighting to get away from him. Footsteps pounded against the concrete, and she knew he was chasing after her.

She didn’t stop and let him catch up, instead running out toward the parking lot and down toward the street. But by the time she got there, there was a hand on her arm, tugging her to a stop.

Aelin ripped away from his grasp, turning around with wide eyes, breaths heavy. Rowan had his hands up, taking a step away from her.

“What,” she spit, wiping her face roughly. “What do you want.”

“Aelin,” he breathed lightly, and she glanced away, blinking away the tears. “You didn’t see what you thought you saw.”

She laughed drily, shaking her head. “It doesn’t matter,” she said, “it doesn’t matter.” He looked like he was going to argue, but thought better of it.

Because it didn’t matter. Because no matter what she’d tried to convince herself, he was never going to love her back. No one ever would. So why the fuck did it even matter who he was involved with?

He just didn’t fucking care anyway.

“I’m so done with it all,” Aelin said, shaking her head and staring off into the street. “I’m so done.”

She could practically hear Rowan stiffen. “Done with what?” He asked, his voice careful.

“I don’t want to be here,” she admitted, the distance between them feeling larger than ever. It was quieter out here than in the stadium, too quiet.

“At the game?” He asked, and she laughed once.

“Here, at home,” she shrugged, “anywhere.” The words settled in her gut with a heavy clunk, feeling somehow inevitable and yet freeing. Because it was true.

She closed her eyes, a tear slipping down her cheek. She could feel Rowan step closer.

“Aelin,” he said, his hand suddenly gently cupping her cheek. Aelin couldn’t stop herself from leaning into it. “I -” he hesitated, and she hated how she clung to his words, hoping for scraps of affection. “I’m sorry.”

With those words, something settled in her, and she stepped away from him, finally opening her eyes and looking up at him. His green eyes were filled with emotion, his sweaty hair plastered on his forehead.

He was so beautiful. And she knew she’d never be able to forget him, but she couldn’t stay.

“I’m leaving,” she whispered, the decision settling through her veins.

“What?” He asked warily, and she nodded.

“I’m leaving,” she repeated, tucking her hair behind her ears.

“The game?” Rowan asked carefully, like he knew the truth and didn’t want to admit it.

“Perranth,” she corrected, smiling sadly. “I’m leaving Perranth.”

“But -” he said, stepping toward her. She stepped back. “You can’t leave.” He shook his head, panic flashing across his face.

“I have to,” she said, her voice tight with unshed tears. “I can’t stay here, I need you to understand.”

“I -” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t.”

“Goodbye, Rowan,” she said lightly, ignoring his devastated face. She couldn’t keep up the nerve to do it if she looked at him. So all she did was step forward, kissing his cheek briefly, relishing in the feel of his skin under her lips.

But then she turned away, not letting him stop her as she headed toward the street.

But he didn’t even try, and that just told her that this was the right decision. That for once, she needed to do something for herself.

So she left him standing there, barely remembering the walk home. Arobynn was passed out on the couch, and she just brushed past him up the stairs, grabbing a duffel bag and throwing things in there.

All she could fit was a few outfits and some toiletries, but it was enough. And soon enough she was sneaking back downstairs and into Arobynn’s room, quietly opening his top drawer and digging out his wallet. She pulled out all of the cash in it, tucking it into her pocket and heading out of his room, tiptoeing past him and back out the front door.

She hailed a taxi easily, giving the driver her destination. Rifthold.

Then they were off, and she settled with a sigh into her seat, leaning her head against the window. Tears fell down her face as she watched Perranth sweep past her, the city she’d lived in for nearly a decade. The city she’d grown up in, the city she’d fallen in love in, the city she’d hurt in.

It was finally time to leave.

-----

Now

Aelin gathered a bag of things and then they headed back to Rowan’s apartment. Luckily it was a Saturday, so he didn’t have to go into the office.

It was strange - for the weeks leading up to his move it’d been all about work and about his mom. And now that he was actually here, it was all about Aelin.

In fact, he hadn’t spoken to his mom in a few days, which he felt nauseous about. He’d been so overwhelmed, he hadn’t been able to properly check in. He would soon.

But, no work meant he was able to stick with Aelin as they went back to his apartment. He’d urged her to just take his bedroom, not knowing how long she would need to be here, but she hasn’t responded. In fact- she’d barely spoken at all, besides refusing to report the break in to the police.

I’m a prostitute, Rowan. She’d said, breaking his heart with the finality of it. Any interaction with the police is not going to end well for me.

He hadn’t known how to reply, so he just didn’t.

Instead, he’d gone out to go pick them up some food for lunch, and they’d had a quiet afternoon in. A really quiet one.

Rowan wasn’t going to force her into any conversation, instead just enjoying her presence. And it seemed she was doing the same. In fact, later that evening, when they’d curled up on the couch next to each other, she’d even leaned her head on his shoulder. He’d frozen at first, but relaxed, and tucked his arm cautiously around her.

They had changed into her comfortable clothes, her in a tank top and sweatpants and him in a t-shirt and joggers, and it all just felt so…normal.

“Does it feel weird?” Aelin asked suddenly, turning to look up at him slightly. “After eight years?”

He looked back down at her, smiling softly. “Even after eight years, I still care for you.”

For reasons he didn’t understand, her face fell, and she looked away, even moving to sit up slightly, letting his arm fall behind her.

“Yeah,” she said quietly, with an obviously forced smile. “I bet.”

He furrowed his brows, but she didn’t add anything more, instead just reaching for something on the coffee table. She returned with the scrapbook he’d abandoned days before, and when she leaned back against the couch, the space between them felt like miles.

Rowan cleared his throat, reaching for the TV remote and flipping through random channels as he let her reminisce, or whatever she was doing, in private. His skin was prickling with discomfort, dissatisfied at the distance between them. Both physical, and now emotional.

He didn’t understand her like he used to. Or… a truth that hurt… maybe he’d never understood her at all.

How many times had she faked a smile? How many times had she lied? He thought he understood all of her struggles, and maybe he had, but did he ever really comprehend how much she was hurting?

The kind of pain she seemed to be facing now didn’t seem recent. It seemed deep. Was it just the pain of her new “career”? Or was it something - more?

Whatever it was, Rowan wanted to be there for her. He wanted to be there to make up for all of the times he wasn’t. All of the times she’d showed up at his house, a bruise on her face that she tried to cover but failed. All of the times she’d hid her tears because of some asshole at school, and he’d just brushed it aside in his search for his own popularity. Even that damned night he’d gotten high, indulging himself to escape his own troubles when really, that night was supposed to be about her.

He wanted her to be comfortable sharing her burdens with him. He wanted to be there to help her lighten the load. He wanted to be there to comfort her, to be a shoulder to cry on. He wanted her to let him…love her.

Holy shit.

He loved her.

He loved her. Of course he did. How could he not?

Rowan was sure his face was pale as death as he fought through the onslaught of emotions.

But before he could process the alarming realization, he heard a sharp gasp. Ever so slowly, he turned his head, seeing Aelin on the couch next to him, her eyes glued to the red and gold friendship bracelet in her hand. The scrapbook was flipped to the last page and abandoned on the coffee table, the little pocket hanging open in the back.

“Why do you still have this?” Aelin asked, and in his haze, his utter frozenness, he blurted out yet another deluded thing.

“My mom kept it,” Rowan said flatly, his eyes wide. Her face just tightened even more. “You don’t have yours, do you?”

Her nostrils flared, and he could feel the crackle of the raging storm of her temper as she pushed herself to a stand, heading into the kitchen and roughly grabbing the top journal on the stack she’d left on the counter earlier that day. She flipped through the pages roughly, before pulling out a familiar bracelet of green and silver.

“Yes,” she spit, “I still have it.” She shook her head. “I never got rid of it, but I see it was just a second thought to you. Just like I always was.”

Oh gods.

“Aelin…” he trailed off, his voice a whisper. “I -”

“No,” she cut off, shaking her head. Her hands were clenched around the bracelet. “You don’t get to make excuses now, Rowan. I have sat by for years, waiting for you to finally put me first.” She shook her head again. “It was football, and then it was popularity, and then it was girls, and so much other stuff, and I just got dragged along.” Her voice was so full of emotion, his heart was absolutely breaking.

But he couldn’t interrupt her now, not when she was clearly saying what she’d been holding in for years. Even if he was absolutely bursting with the need to confess.

“And I don’t blame you, I never wanted to hold you back, you didn’t deserve that. But - you were my only friend,” Aelin said weakly, her blue eyes glistening in the low kitchen light. “You were the only one who was ever there for me. But even then… you weren’t.”

“Aelin, I-” he tried again, but she cut him off.

“I stood by your side,” she continued, “I was there for you. I supported you. And you threw it back in my face by kissing the girl who terrorized me, who made my life at school hell.” She spit the last word. “But you didn’t care, because you were Mr. Popular. And I was just the little charity case you didn’t need anymore.”

“I didn’t kiss her,” Rowan said, needing to interrupt there. He shook his head aggressively. Aelin’s brows were furrowed, but her jaw was clenched, holding her ground. “I know what it looked like, and I can’t make excuses for my other behavior, but I did not kiss her. She came up to me after the game, I was looking for you. She cornered me, and I was trying to get away when she pushed me against the wall and kissed me.”

This time, his voice shook. “We were best friends, Aelin,” he continued. “You really think I would do that to you?” It hurt to think so. Even though he’d known for eight years that the sight had hurt her.

“It doesn’t matter,” Aelin said, though her voice shook, betraying the truth. It did matter. Because that was when she’d decided to leave. “It doesn’t change that you didn’t treat me like a best friend. It doesn’t change that I’ve always been on my own. It doesn’t change anyth-”

“I love you,” Rowan suddenly blurted out, the words escaping him before he could decide if it was a good idea or not. “And I’m so so sorry for not being there when you needed me, but I’m here now. And,” he sucked in a shaky breath. “I love you.”

But her face was as pale as death, her head shaking back and forth slowly like she couldn’t quite believe it.

“No,” she repeated, her voice shaky. “No.”

“No?” He pressed, taking a step closer. “No, I don’t love you?”

She backed away, and the move hurt him more than he was expecting. She looked like she’d seen a ghost.

“No,” she said one more time. “You can’t. You don’t get to.” Her lips were trembling. “Not when I’ve spent the last fifteen years of my life loving you.” She pressed a hand to her chest like she could contain the emotions. “Fifteen years of feeling like I’m not good enough, that I’m not enough for you.”

His mind had gone completely blank. He couldn’t hear. He could barely see. All of his senses had focused in on this stunningly strong woman in front of him. His best friend. The love of his life.

He understood now.

Rowan cautiously took a step forward, and this time she didn’t step back.

“I don’t know how I didn’t realize before now,” he said, his voice unsteady. A rebellious tear dripped down her cheek, her golden hair curtaining over her shoulders. “How I didn’t realize how much you meant to me, how much I loved you.”

“It can’t be true,” she whispered, another tear falling down her golden skin.

“It is,” Rowan said softly back, a tear slipping down his own face. “It is. I’m so sorry for all of the years I didn’t know.” He took another step.

“You told me our first time didn’t mean anything,” she said, tears streaming down her face now. “Do you know how much that hurt?” A sob escaped her, and Rowan fell to his knees in front of her, grabbing her hands.

“I know, and I am so sorry,” he said, his own voice thick with tears. “I think even back then I must’ve known deep down how much you meant to me. But I was too scared I’d turn out like my dad and mess it all up, so I just buried it even deeper.” He could taste the saltiness. “You deserve so much more than that, you deserve so much more than me.”

“Rowan,” she breathed, her voice tight with emotion. The hands he still held came up to cup his cheeks. “I don’t deserve you. I never have. Especially now.”

He stood up then, leaning down to press their foreheads together. Aelin’s beautiful eyes closed, more tears slipping off of her dark lashes.

“Fireheart,” he said, quietly but firmly, needing her to understand. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever known. The most caring person I’ve ever known. The most trusting, the most loving, the funniest, the warmest...” He placed a quick kiss on her forehead. “You’re beautiful, but it’s who you are that drew me to you that day on the playground. It’s who you are that kept me by your side for ten years. It’s who you are that makes me love you.”

Aelin sniffed, finally cracking open those eyes and looking up at him. Blue met green, and while everything had changed - somehow nothing had.

“You love me?” She whispered after a moment, and he lifted a hand to her cheek, brushing away fallen tears with his thumb.

“To whatever end,” he replied, the words a quiet promise in the air between them. “You love me?”

She laughed wetly, beaming up at him. “To whatever end.”

He tenderly brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, his heart bursting with both the realization of how deep his feelings went and the fact that those feelings were returned.

“Can I kiss you?” Rowan asked, and she smiled coyly up at him.

“I don’t know, can you?” She teased, and he chuckled, nudging his nose against hers before tilting his head down just that little bit more to capture her lips in a soft kiss.

Aelin sighed into it, their lips sliding slowly against each other in a whisper of a kiss. But then she nipped at his lip and he deepened it, pressing closer to her body. Her hands crept up to his shoulders and he grabbed her waist, pulling her closer.

Her hands clutched the material of his t-shirt, and he tilted his head to the side, brushing his tongue across her lower lip. She opened his mouth for him and he swept his tongue through it, getting a taste of her for the first time in eight years.

But back then, they’d both been kids, fumbling through their first time. It was different now.

He slipped a hand under her tank top, feeling the warm skin of her stomach and back as they kissed slowly, decadently.

Aelin was the first to take a step further, tugging off his shirt. His bare chest was out, but he didn’t feel self conscious, especially at the small sigh of want she let out at the right.

Rowan wasn’t modest, he worked out and he knew he looked good. But he was still a lot more exposed than he was used to.

He took the opportunity of their broken kiss to place kisses onto her neck, sucking and nibbling and breathing her in. His hands snuck farther up her tank top, thumb brushing the underside of her breast.

“Aelin,” he groaned into her neck, and her breath hitched. At that, he moved both his hands to grab her thighs, hoisting her into his arms in one easy motion. She clutched around his neck, moving her lips to claim his in a searing kiss as he carried her into his bedroom.

Rowan laid her down on his bed carefully, climbing up to cover her. He was about to return to kissing her when she hesitated. He immediately stopped too.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, brows furrowed. “We can stop if you want.”

“No I don’t, but - Rowan, I -” her cheeks were flaming scarlet, just like they’d been that first time. But for a different reason now. “I’m not whole anymore.” Her voice was nearly a whisper. “I’m not like last time, I’m… ruine-”

“Don’t even finish that,” Rowan interrupted, brushing hair off of her face. She looked so beautiful, with her hair sprawled around her on the pillow, her face and neck flushed, her eyes wide. Even if he wanted to wipe that fear away. “I don’t care about anything in your past, that changes nothing. The only thing it’s changed is me wanting to kill someone for the first time in my life,” he chuckled humorlessly, and she gnawed on her lip. “Well, the second time.” Arobynn.

He shook his head, meeting her eyes. “But that’s not the point,” he continued. “Nothing could change the way I feel about you,” he said softly. “Nothing is going to make me stop loving you, okay? Now let me show you.”

Aelin considered for a moment before nodding slowly, her lips trembling.

“I’ve had a lot of practice,” she said wryly, a hesitant and self-deprecating smile on her lips. “Think you can keep up?”

Rowan chuckled darkly, nipping at the underside of her jaw. “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

To prove his point, he began kissing down her throat, down her collarbone and down her chest, before pushing up her tank top with his hands, moving down to kiss the revealed skin of her stomach. She was gasping as he laved at her stomach, his hands dragging along her hips to begin pulling down her sweatpants.

Aelin helped him, kicking them off, before opening her legs for him to lay between.

“Rowan,” she moaned as he pressed a kiss to her underwear, right over her clit, darting out his tongue to tease her through the fabric. “Stop teasing,” she complained, tugging at his hair, and he huffed a chuckle, the feeling of his breath making her toes curl in the sheets.

He obeyed her order, pulling down her underwear to devour her fully, groaning at the taste of her as he put his mouth against her. He didn’t hold back, but already right away she was ready to fall apart. Cynically, Rowan wondered if anyone had ever done this before.

Besides that first time with him, had she ever done this out of her own desire? For her own pleasure?

The thought both saddened him and made him more determined to make her feel good.

Quickly enough, she was shattering beneath his mouth, and he lapped up the taste of her before she was tugging at his hair, dragging him up to kiss her.

Rowan groaned into the kiss, tugging at his own clothes before ridding her of her tank top, massaging a breast.

“I need you,” she panted, breaking the kiss, and he reached into his nightstand quickly, pulling out a condom and getting himself ready. Soon enough, he was lining up, both of them sucking in a breath as he pushed into her heat.

He waited for a minute, until she nodded, and then he began moving. It was like last time, but it wasn’t, but it was just as overwhelming, noises escaping him that he’d normally be embarrassed about if she wasn’t making just as much noise back.

She wrapped a leg around his waist, pulling their bodies somehow even closer, and claimed his lips for a frenzied kiss as they neared that edge together. With each pull and thrust they got closer and closer to that cliff, falling into the throes of pleasure at almost the same time.

“Aelin,” he groaned into her neck as he shuddered through his climax, her body clenching around him deliciously as she broke too, moaning into the humid bedroom air.

They were both panting as they came down, and he was smiling as he pulled out gently, disposing of the condom and coming back to bed as fast as possible. He tugged Aelin into his arms, pressing a flurry of kisses to her temple.

“I love you,” he breathed into her ear, her eyes already closing. So were his, his body falling into the grasp of sleep, but not soon enough he couldn’t hear those precious words whispered back.

“I love you, too.”

-----

Eight Years Ago

She’d been drifting through the city for the few days since she’d gotten there, the taxi having dropped her off on a random street. Aelin had used the meager money she’d stolen from Arobynn, renting a cheap motel for a few nights and buying food until it ran out. She was left with a few measly dollars, but completely unmotivated to do anything to get more.

There wasn’t much she could do anyway.

She didn’t have a resume, she’d never even had a job before. Plus, she didn’t have a legal address, nor did she know how to interview for anything.

It was fine, she’d figure it out.

But for now, she was wandering.

Rifthold was dark and yet still crowded, with nearly piles of people out on the street, laughing and talking and wandering around from dimly lit building to dimly lit building. Aelin wasn’t sure what side of the city she was on, but it certainly wasn’t downtown. The buildings were big and close together, but it wasn’t full of skyscrapers full of offices, with businessmen streaming in and out.

That was for the day, this part was for the night.

It was loud, and no one noticed the seventeen year old girl slipping by, glancing around at all of the what she assumed were bars and lounges of sorts as she passed. She was a nobody here, and she craved that anonymity. She could be anyone, not a girl from a podunk town, with a guardian who hit her and a best friend who’d never spare her a second glance.

Pathetic, she was pathetic.

But she didn’t have to be.

She could be anyone, do anything, and that thought carried her as she wandered down further toward a side alley. There was a lilting piano playing, barely audible above the raucous cheers, and unconsciously she searched for the source of the noise. Aelin didn’t pay much attention to where it took her, but she vaguely recognized she was stepping foot into some sort of lounge.

Glancing around, she took it in, barely across the threshold, but she couldn’t see the piano so she hesitantly stepped further in. There was a haze of smoke around the whole room, and she had to step down a few stairs to get onto the main floor, which was filled with various low lying booths and couches, which were all filled with men smoking cigars and drinking, waitresses and women flitting about in types of outfits she’d never seen before.

It was decently noisy in there, just like it was on the street, but it was full of a different kind of chaos. Illicit chaos. And she didn’t even think she was seeing it all.

Her heart beating a little faster, she wandered over toward the side of the room, eying the piano in the back. She was extremely underdressed, with her jeans and the zip up jacket she was holding tight around herself, her dirty sneakers making marks on the sleek floor.

There was a young woman sitting at the piano, and Aelin was enchanted by the music coming from it. Aelin wanted to play, desperately; she could practically feel her fingers vibrating with the need to join in and create those lilting melodies.

But she just stood there, bathing in the scene of forbiddenness, stepping foot into a new world.

“That’s quite the outfit,” a deep voice said, and she glanced over her shoulder, seeing an older brunette man who’d sidled up to her side. He was fairly handsome, and looked rich, but there was something in his eyes that made her skin crawl.

“I just came in,” she said, shifting a bit. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

It was the truth, but maybe she shouldn’t have said it.

“How old are you?” The man asked, and maybe this time she should’ve said the truth, but she didn’t.

“Eighteen,” she lied, after a moment of hesitation. She watched him warily, but he just nodded in contemplation, his hands in his pockets.

“Want a drink?” He asked, gesturing over to the bar, and Aelin thought for a moment before nodding. She followed him as he walked over there, but didn’t hear what he’d ordered for her, and didn’t know what it was as he handed it to her. It was just amber liquid in a crystal glass, and she took a deep breath before taking a sip, coughing as it burned her throat.

“Gods,” she said, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. The man just chuckled a little bit.

“Too much?” He asked, raising a dark brow, and she almost said yes; she’d never drank before after all. But - Rowan’s face flashed in her mind, kissing that other girl, kissing Remelle. They were all right about her, she was too much of a child. She nearly spit at the thought.

She didn’t have to be.

She forced a smile on her lips, taking another sip and forcing herself not to choke on it.

“No, this is perfect.”

He smiled back at her, and she sipped at the horrid drink, feeling the heat racing through her. Aelin looked back at the piano, humming a bit to the music as the man came up to stand next to her.

“So, where are you from?” He asked, leaning into her space and nearly murmuring the words into her ear. His free hand twirled with a loose piece of her hair. “I’m assuming not from Rifthold?”

Aelin shook her head, holding the drink close to her lips. “I’m from Terrasen.”

“Ah,” he said, a bit playfully. “So that is an accent I hear.”

Her cheeks warmed and she tucked her bottom lip into her mouth, enjoying the attention of an actual grown up. It didn’t matter that he was at least fifteen years older than her, if not more. He was older than Rowan.

“Terrasen born and raised,” she said, leaning in a bit closer, looking up through her eyelashes like she knew girls did to make themselves more appealing. To look sexier.

They were so close she could feel the heat from his body, and there were weird things going on in her body too. She wasn’t sure it was arousal, more of a strange sense of determination? An urge to prove herself?

To shove it in Rowan’s face and try to erase the touch he’d left on her skin?

Maybe that was why, when he invited her back to his hotel room for some quiet, she said yes. Maybe that was why, when he sat down next to her on the couch in the suite, she didn’t lean away. And maybe that was why, when he captured her lips in a kiss, pulling off her jacket roughly, she gave in. She gave him everything.

She awoke the next morning in an unfamiliar hotel room, tucked under the white comforter with no clothes on, sore in an unfamiliar way.

Rowan had been gentle, this man had not. But she didn’t regret it.

He was nowhere to be found as she stood out of bed, pulling her clothes on efficiently, and she was grateful for it as she roughly combed out her hair. Especially as her face fell when her gaze landed on the dresser, seeing a paper with a phone number, and a stack of twenties clearly left for her.

Was that what that had been? A transaction?

It made her feel incredibly dirty, and her lips trembled as she stared at the evidence of what she’d done. But soon enough, she pushed her dignity aside and grabbed the money.

And so began her new life.

-------

Now

Rowan woke up the next morning to soft kisses. He’d fallen asleep behind Aelin, but now she’d turned around in his arms, placing fluttering kisses to his bare shoulder. A lazy smile curled on his lips, and he hummed tiredly, tightening his arms around her.

Both of them were still naked, so he could feel all of her smooth skin beneath his touch.

His eyes cracked open slightly, and all he could see was golden hair. He kissed her head, stretching out his legs like a cat and pulling her closer.

“Hi,” he rasped, and she stopped her kissing, smiling softly back at him.

“Hi,” she said, and Rowan couldn’t stop from staring at her. She looked like an angel, with her golden hair mussed around her head on the pillow like a halo, her skin glowing in the soft sunlight creeping in through the window, her blue eyes hazy from sleep but bright.

She was his angel.

“I like waking up to you,” he said, finding her hand under the sheets and lifting it to kiss gently. Aelin smiled shyly, glancing away. But she harnessed every inch of her bravado as she replied -

“Who wouldn’t?”

He chuckled, using his grip on her to roll them both so he was on his back, her head on his chest. Rowan toyed with a strand of her hair, combing his fingers through the loose strands.

“I love you,” she murmured softly, and a beam grew on his face.

“I love you, too,” he said, just as softly. One hand remained in her hair, the other caressing her lower back lightly, his thumb brushing against her spine.

They fell back into silence after that, Aelin’s eyes falling shut. She wasn’t sleeping, just taking in the moment, and he was doing the same. He never thought they’d get to this point. If someone had told him only a few weeks ago that he’d be in bed with his former best friend, waking up naked after sleeping together the night before, in love, he would’ve told them they were insane.

“Why did you take off the bracelet?” Aelin’s voice rang quietly through the still morning air. Her eyes were still closed.

Rowan’s brows furrowed, but he answered honestly. “I was hurt,” he said. “You’d left and I was young, and I didn’t know how to process my feelings so I reacted with anger. My mom saved it for me.”

“No,” Aelin said, holding herself up on her elbows on his chest, finally looking at him. Her gaze was a little stiffer, but not accusing. “Not that time. Before that.”

“When?” Rowan asked, going back through his head and trying to remember when he’d ever taken it off.

“The sleepover,” she said lightly, her eyes a little sad. “When you came home high, I was in your room and I found it on your nightstand.”

Understanding washed through him, and instead of panicking, he just let out a light chuckle. Aelin’s eyes went cold, and that made him panic, so he rushed to clarify.

“Remember that horrible rainstorm the day before?” He asked, lifting one hand to caress her jawline. She nodded hesitantly. “Well,” he laughed again. “This is embarrassing, but it was all muddy out at the football field that night and I completely face planted at practice. My mom made me take it off so she could clean it, but I put it right back on after you left that day. I didn’t realize you’d seen it.”

Understanding filled her face and she shook her head, laughing slightly. She buried her head in his chest.

“I should’ve just asked,” she said, propping her chin up to meet his eyes. “It would’ve saved me a lot of trouble.”

Rowan looked at her fondly, turning to kiss her wrist when she ran her fingers through his hair. “We made it back to each other,” he said, “I wish it’d been sooner, but I’m just so grateful for the chance now.” Aelin just hummed in response, cuddling back into him. “And I know we still have plenty to talk about -” more baggage from their past, more about what happened to her, more about what Aelin wanted to do now, but they’d have time for that in a little bit. “But right now I just want to kiss you.”

She looked back up, a devious smile on her pink lips, and leaned up to press a slow but deep kiss to his lips.

Rowan’s eyes fluttered closed, his hands gripping her hips as they kissed decadently, relaxing into the feeling.

Her hair draped over her shoulders, tickling his neck until he rolled them over, settling between her hips. He could feel himself getting hard, pressing against her, and their movements were getting more frenzied, about to pick up where they left off last night until -

His phone rang.

He paused as the sound rang out, but eventually continued kissing her neck. He’d look at it later. They were back to where they were before as the phone rang out, but it just started again.

Rowan groaned, but pulled back, reaching for it. “One second,” he told Aelin, who just smiled up at him from his pillows. Gods, he just wanted to devour her.

But the feeling quickly went away as he answered the phone. “This is Rowan Whitethorn,” he answered, sitting back. His face drained as he listened to the voice on the other end, and he didn’t know how to comprehend any of it as the other person hung up.

Clearing his throat, he set his phone back on his nightstand, looking down at Aelin, who’s brows were furrowed.

But he was still in shock as he said, “My mom’s in the hospital.”

------

Rowan had driven to Rifthold from Perranth just a few weeks ago, but on this trip back, he took the train.

There was no direct flight there, but the train was sufficiently faster than a car, though not nearly fast enough. The nurse hadn’t given him any information over the phone, just telling him that his mom had been admitted overnight and he ought to come by.

His leg had been jiggling from nerves the entire ride there.

The only soothing presence had been Aelin, sitting in the seat next to him. Rowan hadn’t insisted she come, she had. The moment he started getting ready to leave, she’d done the same, not letting him say a word about it.

But he appreciated the support.

He tried to give her support right back, especially as the train pulled into the Perranth station and she reentered her hometown for the first time in eight years.

“Are you okay?” Rowan asked her as they stepped out of the taxi that’d arrived at the hospital, squeezing her hand once. She smiled tightly, nodding once. Her tension was clear.

“I’m okay,” she answered, before directing the question back at him. “What about you?”

He loosed a heavy breath, looking up at the hospital in front of him. “Let’s go see.”

Neither of them said another word as they entered the hospital, those glass doors sliding open for them. He’d been here too many times recently, and though the last time had only been a few weeks ago, it felt like ages. He’d hoped it’d be ages.

But here he was again.

He gripped Aelin’s hand tightly as they walked up to the receptionist’s desk.

“Lianna Whitethorn’s room, please?” He asked, his voice tight. “I was called this morning.”

“Just right down the hall that way,” the young receptionist pointed, her voice light. “She’s the third room on the right.”

It was a small hospital, but was actually very celebrated for its cancer research and care, which worked well for Rowan and his mom. She was able to get good care, while still being in her home.

“Thanks,” he said, barely a hiss of air through his teeth, before heading in the direction she’d pointed in. Aelin followed close behind, hands still interlocked.

His heart was pounding as he walked toward the room, even more so as he reached the door, his brain imagining the worst possible scenario. It’d spread, the tumors had grown, she wasn’t going to make it, she was going to leave him.

Rowan didn’t know what he’d do without her.

“I’ll wait out here,” Aelin said, shocking him, but when he turned to face her, he could see her own nerves written all over her face. She was scared, he realized. Scared to see the woman she’d come to regard as her own sort of mother figure, scared of judgment.

She should know his mom would never judge her for what had happened, but Aelin’s own self hate was probably so deeply ingrained she couldn’t understand that.

Meeting her again would probably help. But he’d give her some time to prepare herself.

“Okay,” Rowan said, smiling thinly. “I’ll come get you in a minute.” He didn’t give her a chance to protest before pushing open the door.

His mom was laying in the hospital bed, a sight Rowan despised, but she didn’t look nearly as bad as his nightmares had convinced him.

“Hey mom,” he said softly, letting the door close behind him. “How are you feeling?”

His mom’s green eyes snapped open, and she smiled at him as he went to sit down in the chair next to her bed.

“Never better,” she answered, her voice weak. Rowan could feel hot tears threatening to spill.

“What happened?” He asked, “your next appointment wasn’t for another few weeks.” His mom shrugged.

“The nurse could tell you the proper medical blah blah blah,” she answered, “but it’s just side effects from the chemo. I got really dizzy last night, my heart racing, and you always insist I should just be careful and not hesitate to go get checked out, so I listened to your advice.”

He loosed a relieved breath, grabbing his mom’s hand and kissing it quickly. “I’m glad you listened to me,” Rowan said, chuckling a little to keep away the heaviness in the room. “But you called Lorcan too, right? If something serious had happened I wouldn’t be able to get here in time.”

The thought saddened him, but it was a sacrifice he’d had to consider. Besides, he trusted Lorcan to take care of her until he could get back to Perranth. The two had become pretty close while he and Rowan were in law school together, probably due to Lorcan losing his own mom rather young.

That’s what Lianna Whitethorn did; she helped out anyone who needed the comfort of a mother.

“Lorcan’s here already,” his mom answered, gesturing to the door, “talking with the nurse.” Then she smiled a little mischievously. “I just figured a call from the hospital would shake you up a bit, you weren’t answering my calls after all.”

Rowan let out a short laugh, tears in his eyes. “You think?” He said, smiling wetly. “I’ve been panicking the whole day.”

“It’s good for you,” his mom teased. “Now, who is that you brought with you, loitering out in the hallway?” She asked, in a tone that showed she already knew. Or at least suspected.

Rowan’s smile grew, and he stood up, heading toward the door. “I’ll show you.”

He slipped out of the room back into the hallway, finding Aelin leaning against the wall, her eyes closed. He’d say she looked peaceful, if not for the way her hands were shaking.

“Come on,” he said softly, reaching for one of them.

“Rowan, I-” she said, shaking her head, but he just leaned in and kissed her softly.

“Just take a chance,” Rowan whispered, before kissing her temple. “Okay?” Aelin sniffed, but nodded, letting him guide her toward the door.

Her grip on his hand was like steel as he opened the door, following close behind him as they both entered the room, almost like she was trying to hide behind his body. But his mom’s eyes immediately snapped to Aelin, her face settling into an expression of fondness. He didn’t think he was mistaken when he saw tears in her eyes.

“Hey sweetheart,” she whispered, voice full of emotion. Rowan nudged Aelin in front of him gently, but didn’t let go of her hand. His mom looked at their grasp on each other knowingly, and he couldn’t hide his smile.

“Hey Mrs. Whitethorn,” Aelin said just as softly, her voice tight likely from unshed tears.

“It’s nice to see you,” his mom said, smiling at her fondly. “I’m assuming it’s you that’s been keeping My Rowan so busy?”

Aelin chuckled a little bit, ducking her head down. But she actually let go of Rowan’s hand, moving carefully to go sit down in the chair he’d abandoned earlier.

“He’s easily distracted,” she teased, shooting him a small grin, and Rowan winked at her.

“Don’t I know it,” his mom added, and as much as Rowan would love to witness the rest of this conversation, he also wanted to give them some space. So he just walked over, carefully kissing the two most important women in his life on the cheek before pushing open the door, heading out to the hallway.

Maybe he’d go find the doctor, try and get a little more information about her condition. But before he could, he came across Lorcan, who was heading back down the hallway, a steaming cup of coffee in hand.

“Hey man,” the brunette said, lifting the coffee in a welcoming gesture. “Glad you made it alright.”

They paused in the hallway, only a little bit away from his mom’s hospital room. “Yeah,” Rowan said, sticking his hands in his pockets, messing with the two familiar objects in one of them. “The train ride was quick.”

“I just talked to the doctor,” Lorcan added, and Rowan straightened. “She’s alright, just a bit of an episode from all of the chemo.”

He nodded, sighing through his nose heavily. “That’s what she told me.” He rubbed at his forehead. “Thanks for being here.”

“‘Course,” Rowan’s friend dismissed. “That’s what I’m here for.” He glanced over at the door to the room. “Is she sleeping?”

Rowan shook his head. “Talking,” he corrected, “to Aelin.”

He didn’t miss the way Lorcan’s brows shot up. He’d told his friend a little bit about her, and the years they’d been so close, so he wasn’t surprised at the other man’s reaction. It was a strange mixing of worlds, but Rowan slowly came to realize that maybe it was for a reason.

“Hey,” he said, his brows furrowed. “Can I ask you a question?”

------

Aelin had stayed in his mom’s room for close to an hour, though Rowan had joined her about ten minutes after leaving. Aelin had shared a little bit about her life, in veiled enough terms that she didn’t have to say it outright but his mom knew exactly what she meant.

Rowan knew it wasn’t a trick of the light when he saw tears in his Fireheart’s eyes when his mom told her not only that she’d grown into a beautiful young woman, but also that she was so, so proud of her.

His mom had been free to leave after a quick chat with the doctor, and Rowan had invited her to dinner with him and Aelin, but she’d just wanted to go home and rest, which he understood. So it’d just been him and Aelin out on the town, though they’d stayed closer to downtown, farther away from all of their old haunts.

At least for dinner.

They’d taken a walk after eating, holding hands loosely and chatting about everything and nothing, and had ended up at the park they’d first met at. The sun was setting around them as they swung idly next to each other on the swingset, comfortable silence flowing in the air.

But Rowan broke it.

“I don’t know if I ever told you,” he said softly, looking back around the chain of the swing to meet her beautiful blue eyes. “But Lorcan is a criminal lawyer here in Perranth.” Aelin hesitated, clearly unsure of where he was going with this, but didn’t interrupt. “I asked him for advice about your situation.”

She froze, that instinctive fear to hide or fight or argue about to rear its head, so he pushed on.

“Just about Farran,” he added, shaking his head once. Aelin relaxed a little bit.

“What did he say?” She asked, and Rowan sighed.

“Honestly,” he said, “once I told him you didn’t want to push for legal charges, which he agreed could get messy as frustrating as it is, he said the best thing would probably be to just leave. To get your stuff and move out of Rifthold.”

He watched as Aelin processed the information, turning her head to look out forward across the park. It would be a big change, but Rowan thought it would probably be for the best too.

“Yeah,” Aelin rasped, “I think I should.” She shook her head. “That city - doesn’t have good memories. But neither does this one.” She laughed humorlessly before looking back at him. “Where am I supposed to go? And what about you?” Her lips wobbled. “I just found you again, you want me to leave you?”

“Gods no,” Rowan answered, horror racing through him at the thought. “I would go with you.”

It was obvious to him, but she furrowed her brows. “But what about your job, what about your mom? Don’t you need the money?”

He just smiled softly. “I had another job offer in Orynth that I turned down. I could probably finagle my way back into it.” He shrugged. “It was a little bit less money, which is why I said no, but today has made me realize that I really value proximity too. Orynth is only an hour away from here, just in case.”

An unidentifiable emotion grew on her face as she leaned her head against the chain of her own swing. “That’s where I was born,” she said. “I haven’t been back since my parents died.” A small watery smile formed on her lips. “I think I’d like to.” Silence fell for a minute before she turned to look at him. “I have a lot of money,” she offered, “if your mom needs any of it, I’d be honored to give it. Especially after everything she’s given me.”

She pressed a hand to her chest.

“Thank you, but I can’t accept that,” Rowan said, shaking his head.

“I insist,” Aelin protested, before her face faltered. “I know it doesn’t come from the best place but-”

“That’s not why,” he interrupted, stopping that train of thought. “Gods no. I just don’t want you to feel obligated, we don’t need charity.”

She just smiled. “I want to, I don’t feel obligated. I just want to help out however I can.” Rowan didn’t know what to say, thick emotion blooming in his chest, so he just nodded.

He loved her so much, so much it baffled him that he’d never realized before. But he was grateful for their past, just as much as he was grateful for their present, and for their future. Without everything they’d been through, who knows if they would have even ended up here at all?

With that thought, he reached into his pocket, and Aelin looked at him curiously as he pulled out his hand. Tears formed in her eyes as he opened his palm, revealing both of their friendship bracelets. He’d grabbed them from his apartment that morning when she wasn’t paying attention, and now felt like the right time to bring them back out.

She sniffed back her tears as he reached for her arm, tying the green and silver string around her wrist gently. He was fighting his own as she grabbed the red and gold, tying it around his own wrist just the same.

Both bracelets returned to their rightful places, Rowan didn’t let her go, their hands loosely connected between their swings.

“Thank you,” Aelin said a few moments later, looking over at him. Her expression was soft. “For being here for me.”

Rowan smiled back. “Thank you for forgiving me for the times I wasn’t,” he replied. That was all he needed to say, that’s all she needed to hear. And yet those simple words held so much more. Just like those other three that constantly seemed to be on the tip of his tongue now. “I love you.”

A lone tear slipped down Aelin’s tan cheek, and she smiled brilliantly back at him, a smile he hoped to see every day for the rest of his day.

“I love you, too.”

------

Eighteen Years Ago

Aelin swung back and forth on the swing idly, leaning against one of the chains to look over at Rowan swinging next to her.

It was a couple days before school started, her first year at a new place, and she and Rowan had now been friends for a few months. A hard few months that had only been made better by him.

“Where do you think you’ll be in the future?” Aelin asked, looking at him. His brows furrowed and he looked at her thoughtfully.

“Like next year?” He asked, and she giggled.

“No, like twenty years from now,” she corrected, and he shrugged.

“I dunno,” Rowan answered honestly, before smiling. “But I do know we’ll be together.”

----------

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