#also sorry I went so off the rails here LOL I’ve just been waking up studying eating studying etc etc

[clarabowmp3]

OMG I MAJORED IN COMPUTER SCIENCE HIII

EEEEEE NO WAY OMGGGGG im DYINGGG in cs its been like what 6 weeks since uni started (i have midterms next week get me out of the country pls pls 😭😭😭) and its all so new??? Like recursive functions are so hard to write u literally have to reverse engineer smth that doesn’t even exist and I cannot for the LIFE of me do order of growth questions?? Why the fuck should I care about space time complexity 😒😒 i heard it gets better tho?

My sister (who also did cs btw!!! She went to the same uni and course as me, graduated last year hehe) says it’s just cuz the learning curve is so steep in the first semester of uni, esp since im competing with some ppl who alr have some other kind of educational qualification in computing or smth (which if u ask me is very UNFAIR 😭😭 by right they’re supposed to take this test to be exempt from this beginner module but some of them DONT so they breeze thru it and fuck up the bell curve for the rest of us but wtvvv I so don’t care (<— girl who cares a lot)) so im just. Idek what im doing anymore 😭

[kaeyas-wifehusband]

Bloom: A Taang oneshot.

Summary: Aang and Toph have always had a special connection. He knew there was something different about her from the moment they met years ago at the underground arena. As time passes, platonic feelings begin to morph into something more. (Quick note: There is a hint of the Kummi/Taang in here if you squint lol. Hope y’all enjoy!)

To say Toph’s parents weren’t fond of Aang would be an understatement.

And a huge one, at that.

To them, he would always be the bad boy (the first time they referred to him as that, Toph nearly choked on her breakfast from laughing) who manipulated their sweet, frail daughter into running away with him and his trouble-making friends. Never mind the fact that she proved she wasn’t the defenseless child they claimed her to be. Never mind that she willingly went along. Never mind that she didn’t do it just for Aang, but also because it was the only chance she had to be free. 

Spirits knew how long it took her to convince them that, no, he wasn’t a negative influence (if anything, it was her); yes, she can take care of herself. They never entirely warmed up to him. However, they did allow him to visit. That was good enough for Toph. Besides, it was probably the best she’d get out of them. Sure, she had to bribe threaten reassure the family guards that they didn’t need to follow her and Aang around when hanging out. That was simple to accomplish, luckily. 

And so, years passed. 

They formed memories with one another. The rest of the Gaang were involved, of course, with some of them. Toph noticed something, though. Aang would still seek her out personally in those times. During group meals or bonfires, where she went to sit down, he’d follow. Whenever they all laughed, his head would tilt in her direction. His fingers would sometimes graze, linger, upon hers when they walked together. All of it became more intentional to her as time went on. It became more common. 

He wasn’t good at being subtle. She knew this. It didn’t bother her. Because, maybe, she was beginning to feel the same way.

---------------------------------------

At first, when Aang spent time at the Bei Fong residence, he was tense. Her parents clearly did not like him and were probably only allowing his presence because a certain daughter of theirs bribed threatened reassured them until they gave in. Creating discomfort was something he loathed. For Toph, however, it was worth it. Plus, she was quick to deal with the overprotective watchmen that would trail them wherever they went, even if it was just in her backyard. That most definitely made things easier. 

Numberless, unforgettable moments were made between them. 

The ones that he held close to were the ones that were small. They were personal. He thought of how she’d clutch his arm, not the railing, when crossing the wooden bridge near her home. He thought of how her witty remarks started to feel more flirtatious. He thought of how she’d consistently ask for stories of his childhood among the Air Nomads; how, when he complied (and he always did), she’d find some excuse to lean against him. (“I’m tired.” “I can hear you better this way.” “Shut up about it.”)

And it was all fine.

Beyond fine, actually. 

It wasn’t until he started craving those instances more and more that he realized he liked her. Finding reasons to visit became all too easy. (“There’s a new restaurant in town.” “I could brush up on my earthbending.” “There’s a spot that I just have to show you.”)

The answer was never less than an “Okay” and usually a “Sounds great. Let’s go.”

Definitely, the greatest giveaway that none of this was one-sided was what happened one summer night. 

--------------------------------

They were in the Bei Fong garden, strolling among the rose bushes. They talked of nothing, everything, and all that was in between. Stars glistened amongst the cloudless velvet sky and the moon was full, luminous. While she couldn’t see any of it, he hoped that she could feel it’s intoxicating serenity. The calmness it radiated made the atmosphere feel otherworldly. Eventually, they found a marble bench to rest on. The smallness of it meant their bodies were practically pressed against one another. It wasn’t awkward. 

As they engaged in small talk, Aang plucked a few flowers and started weaving them together. Toph didn’t initially pick up on this, but the constant moving of his arm against hers, as well as the sound of shuffling, spiked her curiosity. She gently pressed her fingers against his.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh! Making a flower crown,” he stopped twiddling and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I guess I should have asked if it was okay.”

She shrugged and removed her hand. “I was just curious. Doesn’t matter to me. They’ll grow back anyway.”

He grinned and went back to work. Minutes went by, silence reigned. Not the slightest hint of discomfort was sensed. 

“Ta da!” He held the handmade accessory in the air with pride. “Finished! And in record time, too.” 

Toph smirked and traced her fingertips against it. The woven intricacy of it felt high quality. He’s done this multiple times before and it showed. 

“Nice job, Twinkle Toes. Maybe you should quit the Avatar stuff and start a business.” she teased. 

“Believe me,” he said as he studied the freshly made creation. “If I could bring myself to do that, I would.” A sigh left him. “But I know what I’m needed for.”

She hummed in acknowledgement. “All this hero duty starting to get to you?”

“Starting to? It always has been,” He flicked a few stray strands of grass and stem off his lap. “I never wanted any of this. Being the grand savior of the universe sounds fun until you realize how much you lose because of it.” 

“Well,” she started, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Find a way to cope.” It was a lousy attempt at comfort. To anyone else, it may have been offensive. Not to him though.

He chuckled softly. “I already did.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled while placing the flower crown on her head. “It’s you,” There was no regret for his words, which mildly surprised him. All of it was true. “I just...I don’t know.  Spending time with you allows me to temporarily forget that I’m the Avatar. You make me feel like an equal,” He pulled an uneven, wilting petal. “You never saw me for less or more than I am.

Because of you, I’ve been allowed to grow, without necessarily growing up. Does that make sense?”

A snicker escaped her. “No. But then again, you rarely do.” 

She lifted both her hands to his face, her fingers gently trailing his features. 

This has happened before. In fact, it’s happened multiple times. These sort of moments wouldn’t last long and would usually end with her squishing his cheeks or booping his nose, a “You’re a dork” following.  It wouldn’t be such a big deal except that she never did this with anyone else. He wasn’t dumb, though she’d would probably say otherwise. She didn’t need to do this to “see” him.  Her feet and ears handled that well enough. Being careful, intentional yet tender, he placed his forehead against hers.

“What are you doing?” he said in a whisper so quiet that it’d only be audible to her. He smiled when she blushed. 

“Nothing. Why? What’s it to ya, Twinkle Toes?”

“I mean, I don’t mind. Just curious because you’ve done this before soooo...” There was a playful, teasing tone in his voice. 

Mildly annoyed, she freed a hand to lift one of his against the right side of her face. “There. Now we’re even.” 

His breath hitched and she noticed his heartrate spike. She hardly tried to stop her mouth from forming a smirk. “Aw, does that bother you?”

He swallowed, calming a bit, but not entirely. “No. N-not really.” he mumbled.  It was the truth. She didn’t need to focus on his heart’s pace to know that. 

Aang exhaled and closed his eyes. Everything became still. Aside from the crickets chirping, and the occasional stray dog barking from far off, all was peaceful. This was how he often felt with her. It was always like this when they were together. In a way that he could not yet explain, he felt a comfort with Toph that he never felt with anyone else, not even with Katara. A note of courage suddenly filled within him and swelled. He had to ask now before it disappeared. 

“Can I kiss you?”  

If Sokka was there, he’d surely facepalm. Most people don’t like being asked to be kissed. They just want it to happen, at least according to him. Toph wasn’t like most people, though. On a level that was beyond what he could fully understand, they were connected.  Perhaps all lovers felt that way. Although, even when their bond was solely platonic, he still thought that she was like no other. (“Not like her.”)

He prayed silently. He wished not that she wouldn’t say no, but that if she did, nothing would change between them. Another pang of quietness passed. He felt the confidence in him start to deflate. 

Then, suddenly, a swipe across his lower lip and a “Yes” evaporated any worries or doubts. He didn’t hesitate pressing his mouth against hers. 

Aang knew what first kisses were supposed to be like. Poets and singers described them as a powerful, electrifying force. (“Kissing him feels like fireworks.” Katara once said regarding Zuko). Yet none of that could accurately evoke what he experienced in that moment. In her affection, he noticed a sliver of familiarity that he could not quite comprehend. There was warmth, a sensation of relief. It felt grounding. It felt like home.  

When they parted, it was sobering; like waking from a long slumber to crisp morning air. 

“Oh, by the way,” Toph then gave his shoulder a swift punch. 

“Ow! Hey!”

“That’s for being a total sap.” 

[punkscowardschampions]

Ruby & Cosmo

Ruby: Dying to know is every date colour coded? ❤️

Cosmo: Oh, God 😅 How unintentionally cringe

Cosmo: That sums up how well it went, sadly

Ruby: the quick reply had me thinking you were back early or answering in the middle of dinner

Cosmo: 🤫

Cosmo: I’d never!

Cosmo: It was a favour and I think that showed

Cosmo: She’s my cousin’s friend and just got dumped, sweet girl but perhaps not ready to be great company

Ruby: explains the 🌹

Cosmo: Not very personal or too basic?

Ruby: a nice try if it was your first date ever but I know it’s not

Cosmo: Thank God I didn’t get another bouquet 😏

Cosmo: They weren’t buy one get one free though, before you say

Ruby: they looked expensive

Ruby: she would’ve felt guilty throwing them back in your face

Cosmo: I told you I weren’t texting under the table, why would she need to?

Ruby: you told me why, they’re impersonal & basic

Ruby: & heartbreak makes you unhinged

Cosmo: I wouldn’t call her unhinged

Cosmo: at least not to her face, right

Ruby: 😅

Ruby: or your cousin’s

Ruby: Are you staying out in town or going home to change?

Cosmo: I don’t fancy showing up in the club in this

Cosmo: never mind hearing what my friends would have to say

Cosmo: What are you up to?

Ruby: the VIP area has seen worse, you don’t look like you raided the Gucci sale rail, eyes closed

Ruby: & your friends have worn worse, but I won’t say it to their faces

Ruby: I’m waiting for my own friends to be done making their own questionable outfit choices as usual

Cosmo: Careful, that was almost a compliment and not just a drag of the lads

Cosmo: not undeserved on their end but what did I do to make you decide to be nice to me?

Cosmo: besides entertain you with my dating woes whilst they redo their makeup, again

Ruby: You know how to dress, it’s a fact

Ruby: & I didn’t decide to be nice, it just happened

Cosmo: Not that you’re not usually nice in general

Cosmo: but here I am, feeling special, like 💖🤩

Cosmo: It’s also a fact, though not an impressive one, that I’m not lame enough to go in for that negging bullshit, so whatever I end up doing, calling you a bitch ain’t on the agenda

Ruby: there you were down in the dumps about your disaster date, I thought I’d try to help

Ruby: I wouldn’t, it only works for Mason when everyone’s too busy watching his feet move to care about his mouth & that’s not the audience you’ve got atm

Cosmo: I think I’ll survive

Cosmo: but I appreciate it

Cosmo: I’ve seen him get in trouble for his mouth plenty of times on the pitch

Cosmo: but referees aren’t ones to be sweet-talked so…

Ruby: your expensive roses are wasted on them 🥀

Cosmo: That is the real tragedy 💔

Cosmo: I reckon 🍷 could work on your dad though, whaddya think?

Ruby: aren’t we beyond bribes? I thought we were

Cosmo: You don’t have to go up for contract renewals

Cosmo: but I was joking, so don’t tell him he’s on a promise there

Ruby: oh yeah, it’s a joke you being worried you won’t get renewed

Ruby: he doesn’t shut up about you after a few 🍷’s with your dad

Cosmo: Sorry you’ve had to witness/hear that

Cosmo: can’t help my case

Ruby: it wouldn’t be realistic to entertain you or let you entertain me if he wasn’t on board

Cosmo: No?

Ruby: secrecy & sneaking around would be impossible unless we could both drop what we were doing at a moment’s notice, which we can’t

Cosmo: True

Cosmo: Neither of us has the time for that

Ruby: or the anonymity

Cosmo: You aren’t wrong

Ruby: 💖🤩 back at me?

Ruby: you’re being agreeable, above & beyond the Sunday roast standard you set when everyone was listening in

Cosmo: Agreeable from you I can take

Cosmo: I didn’t know any of you guys were going to be there, so if I wasn’t on top form

Cosmo: I’d love to have a second chance to do it better, of course

Cosmo: Somewhere more exciting than family dinner

Cosmo: and no impersonal and basic 🌹s

Ruby: I’d love to skip the club tonight, it stopped being exciting forever ago

Ruby: there’s your chance

Cosmo: Alright

Cosmo: I’ll make something happen and I’ll send you the place and the dress code

Ruby: pastel colours wash me out

Cosmo: What kind of place would be pastels only? 🤔

Ruby: [name drop somewhere boujee that you’ve been probably with your mum and godmother lol]

Ruby: you wasted the ❤️ on the wrong girl 💔

Cosmo: She wasn’t wearing red

Ruby: it was never going to work out

Cosmo: That might be for the best

Ruby: tbd

Ruby: but I’m not feeling like I’ll cry or talk about any of my exes so it’ll be better for you

Cosmo: And for you

Cosmo: not that you’re letting me be impressive with a bar that low but you know

Ruby: you’ll get over or under it if you want to

Cosmo: If I couldn’t rise to the occasion your dad definitely wouldn’t stand for it

Ruby: I won’t either

Cosmo: tbd

Cosmo: I heard

Ruby: another girl has beat me to denying you everything, I have no choice but to switch it up to keep things interesting

Cosmo: Has hard-to-get worked since the days of negging?

Cosmo: You’ve got all the choices, and no need to play any sort of game with me

Cosmo: Let’s have a good time

Ruby: it might have worked for people who want a different reputation than I do

Ruby: that’d wash me out too, the whole projection of intense cold bitch energy

Ruby: a good time is more doable

Cosmo: It wouldn’t get you very far, I understand

Cosmo: We all have to be some type of way to get to where we need to be

Ruby: yeah & talent has to be backed up with 😁✨

Cosmo: A winning personality, of course

Ruby: if I don’t have that both of my parents & coach are going to lose it, definitely

Cosmo: Well, you don’t need to worry about that, from my perspective

Ruby: from my POV neither of us will be worrying until the alarm wakes us early tomorrow & it’ll be too late to stress it by then

Ruby: the good time’ll have already happened

Cosmo: I’ll drink to that

Cosmo: [something that’s between the restaurant moment we just took Savannah to and the normal clubs they would go to, idk what that would look like, like a club that’s a bit sassier than the beyond standard ones footballers and WAGs would hang in]

Cosmo: but I won’t start without you, like

Ruby: not counting the 🍷 if the 🍝 soaked it up

Ruby: but what do you want me to wear? 🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎

Cosmo: ❤️ off the table then

Ruby: the bar hasn’t fallen through the floor, I’m not okaying you wearing the outfit you chose for her & me dressing to match it

Cosmo: 😅 I’ve gone home but alright

Cosmo: I want to see what you come up with, actually

Cosmo: I’ll show you I’ve got better than the jumper, don’t worry

Ruby: I’ll do better than a roast with the fam, talk about a low bar

Cosmo: I think you’re probably incapable of looking bad

Ruby: try keeping me up all night & you’ll see

Cosmo: I won’t be the first or the last to show up to practice feeling less than 💯 … are all the other ice skaters perfect 😇s?

Ruby: I’m not giving any details of who isn’t, you’re a date down tonight as is, I’m not getting ditched for someone even more 😈

Cosmo: About how that looks

Cosmo: ‘cos I know

Cosmo: We aren’t going to post anything are we?

Cosmo: I’m not looking to add to the poor girl’s 💔 and I know it’s a dick move to not even wait ‘til tomorrow

Ruby: 📵

Ruby: getting into a fight with your cousin over me is even more Romeo & Juliet than sneaking around behind my dad’s back, we all know how it ended

Ruby: drama in the routine is fine but off the ice it’s not cute

Cosmo: Drama on the pitch depends how you feel about diving

Cosmo: but I appreciate that

Ruby: how I feel about diving depends how much my brother has got to me & I want to get him back for it

Cosmo: 🟥 or 🟨 depending on the day

Ruby: 🟥 usually

Cosmo: I feel that

Cosmo: about my own, usually, not necessarily yours but I can see the how and why there too

Ruby: yours made an impression, not at all good

Cosmo: That’s his speciality

Ruby: 😬 brothers bring the mood down when they’re ours

Cosmo: Neither of them’s invited

Ruby: it’ll make a change not to see mine out

Cosmo: That’s unlucky

Ruby: but you’re on to a winner with the location, congrats

Cosmo: I had a good feeling

Ruby: I’ve got one too

Cosmo: 💖🤩

Ruby: a compliment to last until I get there

Cosmo: tbd 👋

Ruby: ❤️

Cosmo: [so obviously this night is gonna go better than the awkward date, though that’s not hard soz Savannah, but also a step above the standard club moment of every weekend hence we stay out longer than we usually do when we’ve got an early start tomorrow]

Ruby: [and equally as obviously if you found enough to talk about when you were around all your annoying relatives for that roast I’m not worried about you struggling for a convo tonight, you’re both cute and have things in common and there’s clearly a vibe]

Cosmo: [I don’t think anything needs to happen tonight but it’s obvious you like each other ‘cos you could both be bothered to show and do this]

Ruby: [agreed it feels legit to who you both are and your priorities to wanna take things a bit slower than that, like it’s clearly unlike her already to do this when you were literally on a date earlier and staying out later than planned is also something neither of you do a lot so]

Cosmo: [yes, we’re not that kind of boy, not saying you’ve never slept with anyone obvs lmao but we’re not a different gal every weekend energy at all]

Ruby: [likewise neither calling this gal a nun or a slag but I doubt she's been out with that many people cos of a) her busy schedule and b) the lowkey famous dad and brother thing that would make some lads wanna try it on for that reason]

Cosmo: [exactly dr phil, you wanna skip to the AM of it all?]

Ruby: [absolutely boo]

Cosmo: 🟥 or 🟨 for keeping you out past your bedtime then?

Ruby: Are you willing to take credit or am I blaming a messy friend’s man troubles?

Cosmo: That depends

Cosmo: we would have to find a friend we’d mutually not mind throwing under the bus and I’m not sure if my brain is capable rn

Ruby: it wouldn’t be taxing to mine to think up someone believable, if you’re keen to show up to my door with 💐 & fool my dad that it’s the first move you’ve made

Ruby: for rep’s sake

Cosmo: The 💔 is all around

Cosmo: a hangover will have you feeling that way

Cosmo: are YOU keen for me to show up at your door with 💐s, that’s the real question here

Ruby: I’ll start getting hangovers when I’m old, it’s a scare tactic before, not a real thing

Ruby: impressing my dad doesn’t necessarily impress me

Cosmo: 😂

Cosmo: That’s alright, I already have impressed him, so it’s definitely not my intention here

Ruby: let’s hear what your intentions are

Cosmo: Now you’re bragging about how un-hungover you are

Cosmo: How about you let me set up a second date and we can talk about it then?

Ruby: a brag would have a selfie attached, I was reassuring you I’m not suffering mild alcohol poisoning like most of our friends

Ruby: a second date for when?

Cosmo: I’m pleased to hear it

Cosmo: it doesn’t make for a pretty sight

Cosmo: [pisstakey shot of some of the lads dying in the changing room or wherever like ew lol]

Cosmo: Send me your calendar and I’ll see?

Ruby: 😬 lovely [but send him something similar of the girls obvs and then your calendar of course, I’m cackling because what if the only time they can both do is tonight so that looks really extra when you’re both not]

Cosmo: They’d kill us for that 😏

Cosmo: [we so could, lmao okay]

Cosmo: Well, it looks like either we double down and go for tonight or we give it a rain check and see in a couple weeks 🤔

Ruby: tonight works for me but it’s you who’d be doing the work to think of somewhere else with wow factor

Cosmo: Undefeated with two wins sounds a lot better than one

Ruby: yeah & I don’t want to talk about weeks on the bench

Cosmo: Be a bit of a dirty tactic to put the blame on you for not going out with me tonight if I get benched but

Cosmo: If it works I’m not above it

Cosmo: So, what kind of place are you looking to avoid tonight?

Ruby: do we need to avoid anywhere or flash photography? your cousin & the girl they forced you to date can’t stay mad forever

Cosmo: No, we don’t have to

Ruby: 💖🤩

Cosmo: Understood

Cosmo: I’ll get back to you

Ruby: 🚫🍷🥃🍸🍹 can be tonight’s rule if you need a break

Cosmo: I don’t

Cosmo: I just needed to know what you want to do, and now I do and I’m thinking

Ruby: I know you don’t need it to have or be fun, me either hopefully

Cosmo: I think you’re fun

Cosmo: and it’s definitely tragic if you have to rely on something like that, that’s not me

Ruby: it’s nobody I know or would count as worth knowing

Cosmo: Totally

Cosmo: Okay, I’m going on the pitch, send you deets later

Ruby: don’t mess up or I’m going to cancel tonight & I don’t want to so that’ll be us both in bad moods 😘

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Hi again! Sorry for not using ask box at first, I'm on mobile lol. Anyways I was hoping you can do the compainions with a male reader who has PTSD and fluff happens? Its no biggue if you can't! Thanks!

Cait:

(I strongly headcanon she has ptsd as well)

“Hey, ya aren’t looking too good......oh shite.”

All because the house you were searching scrap for had a particularly familiar blue crib within it. She knew from the second your eyes went hazy that something was gravely wrong. However it was when you approached the crib and you became numb to her touches and words she was queued to take action.

With a light sigh she finally forced your unseeing gaze away from the crib, dismayed at the far off look your eyes held.

“Sole, look at me, you’re stronger than this.” She whispered in an uncharacteristically soft voice. “Come on, let’s just get out of here and go get a pint. Sound good?”

~~

Curie:

“Shh, everything is alright mon amour.”

To say she was confused at first would be a vast understatement. It was for once a normal day, no scavenging, no violence, not even a disenchanted settler going off. Everything was calm and yet you could do nothing to stop the horror of a long gone scene rearing its ugly face, sending terror coursing through your veins. To add to your dismay, you couldn’t stop yourself from striking the petite scientist when she got too close. The illusion was abruptly torn away to reveal her bloody nose and hurt look in her eyes.

After this you tried your best to try to explain yourself through feverish tears, only to be stopped by her with her understanding gaze as she gently sat you down and made haste to administer a mild tranquilizer to ease your troubled mind.

~~

Danse: (he canonically has ptsd)

“Soldier? Sole look at me, I know what you’re going through. I’ve got you.”

Danse definitely isn’t the best at emotional thing, let alone comforting someone. However when he was laying beside your trembling form in your shared bed he knew he had to do something. He took it upon himself to roll you to face him, sighing as you adverted your red tearful eyes from meeting his gaze.

“I-..Danse, it was like I was there all over again.” You sniffled, gasping as he hummed whilst bringing you close into his chest.

“Y-you’re not anymore, no..you’re safe now. I..I wouldn’t let you be in that situation ever again.”

Although he knew well that words would never stop the traumatic nightmares much less absolve either of you from the burden, at least it calmed you.

~~

Deacon:

“Woah, sole it’s just me!”

Naturally Deacon reverted using humor when he saw the first signs of your distress. He was quick to realize the severity of the situation whenever you whipped your head back to look at him with terrified eyes and your hand quickly reaching for your gun.

Luckily you were able to snap yourself out of it before anything terrible became of the situation, but from there on Deacon knew to avoid certain places and worked especially hard on spending a few off days with you to give the rest your mind desperately needed.

~~

Gage:

“God damnit sole, get your head back about ya.”

He’d beat himself to hell and back over it once he realized what was really going on. But..when sole first displayed symptoms of an episode he teased them about it at first, the playfulness fading into annoyance when they refused to leave their home and get their “overboss duties” taken care of for the day.

It was when sole got angry enough to buck up to the raider that he understood exactly what was going on. Well, it was more or less the trembling and tense jaw that gave it away.

“I...I’m sorry.”

~~

Hancock:

“Don’t fret, I’ve gotcha sunshine.”

To be perfectly honest Hancock has seen all kinds of shit being mayor of Goodneighbor so seeing sole absolutely lose their shit at the sound of glass shattering wasn’t a particularly strange ordeal. He didn’t even think to directly link it to an underlying mental illness, no, that wasn’t at the forefront of his mind at the time. The first thing he did was tend to the symptoms of the blatant panic attack, popping a fresh inhaler of jet into his sunshine‘s mouth to calm them down.

Of course after they were calmed he gingerly approached the subject and once they revealed what caused the abrupt panic he gave a solemn smile and nodded in acknowledgement, pulling you into his arms for a loving hug.

~~

Macready:

“Take as much time as you need boss, the caps will still be out there for our taking later.”

He was pretty accustomed to people with ptsd, but seeing his dearest inflicted with him made his heart pang. Either way he understood that even if it wasn’t a flashback or something big, your sudden lack of motivation was also because of the illness. So despite his nature he just laid in bed beside you, occasionally getting up to get food and so, trying to take your mind off of whatever was preoccupying it.

~~

Maxson:

(Totally has ptsd as well)

“It doesn’t make it any better, I know, but I’m here for you.”

He’s grown to suspect every soldier in the brotherhood would eventually develop some form of a stress disorder but that still didn’t prepare him to see his precious sentinel in such disarray and fearful when he approached them overlooking the railing of the airship.

“Sole...” he started with a sigh, his fingers nervously twitching when you didn’t acknowledge his words. “Let’s go back inside.” Was all he could say, eventually just resorting to wrapping an arm around your waist and leading you to captain Cade’s office. That night he did his level best to provide you as much comfort as possible, fixing you both a glass of whiskey and snuggling into your side.

~~

Nick Valentine:

“Doll, if this is too close to home it’s alright.”

He should’ve known better than to bring you along a case, a case where a parent was trying to find their missing child. He just knew it wouldn’t be okay. His suspicions were confirmed as you started to feel in horror walking down a familiar path, unwanted thoughts progressively turning into complete flashbacks as Boston’s chilly air seemed to overtake you. Reminding you all over again of the cold tomb you awoke out of. Before you knew what was happening you were sitting on the cold cement curb of some ruined highway with nick close beside you, sharing a cigarette while gazing at the sky. That was the first and only case nick didn’t get to resolve with you since your partnership.

~~

Old Longfellow:

“Alright cap’n, calm down.”

He would of course been around long enough to see a whole rainbow of ptsd related symptoms. Seeing sole’s widened eyes and quickened breath at a seemingly harmless remark of a harbor person, he knew what was up. That being said he isn’t exactly a “let’s hug it out” kind of person so he instead settled for bringing his lover back to their cabin and pouring some drinks. He wouldn’t dare ask what caused that reaction but if sole was apt to speak he’d be happy to listen.

~~

Piper:

“Um blue..you know I don’t expect you to do all of this, right?”

It was quite the unusual symptom of ptsd but no matter what, even if you were sick you just couldn’t stop yourself from going the extra mile in absolutely everything you do for piper. That wasn’t a bad thing per se but..whenever you began to not even sleep more than four hours before waking and wanting go hound for more stories she knew something was terribly wrong.

It took a while to drag it out of you but once she took time to sit and you let the cat out of the bag she was horrified at first but slowly began to understand. So to attempt to remedy your illness she takes special care to remind you that it isn’t necessary to always be doing something for everyone. Self care is key.

~~

Preston:

“General, for once..the settlements can wait.”

He was well aware of your illness the very first time you displayed even a minor trait. So once the nightmares shook you into a hallucinating awareness he embraced you through your vicious yells and even your pained sobs. The next morning when you tried to pretend nothing happened he hugged you once more, taking your gun from your hands before shaking his head.

“Let’s take today off..”

~~

X6-88:

“Sole just breathe.”

Calm and collected was his m.o., no matter what. Be it his programming or just his core personality. That being said he truly did feel concern whenever he saw his normally equally calm love spiral down into a feverish frenzy of anger and confusion. However instead of wasting time he simply teleported back to the institute with you in (embarrassingly enough) literally in his arms, marched up to the doctor and demanded immediate assessment and treatment. Ranks be damned.

[mercuryislove]

Which of your characters did you create first? Is that character significantly different now compared to when you first created them?

okay i wrote this at like 3am last night when i couldn't sleep and it makes absolutely no sense but i figured if there was anyone on this earth that would appreciate it, it might be you lol

It's kind of funny you should ask this because the last few days I've been reading the stuff I was writing when I first picked it back up this time last year and like. shit's changed a lot lol

Of like. the stuff I'm writing now uh TECHNICALLY Yixing came first because when I was first toying with the idea of running a dnd campaign of my own, I started coming up with some npcs just to like. get some inspiration I guess? (I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before...) So I didn't really have any ideas about a setting or a plot or anything but I had two very specific characters, and one of them was like. a classic drifter/outlaw type character. And his two defining features were that he had really long black hair and was covered head to toe in tattoos. And uh. Only one of those stuck lol (though in my dnd campaign he still does have the tats! And they are plot relevant lol) OH also it stands to say that in my campaign Yixing is a MONK WITH A GUN because he was originally a gunslinger but I didn't really like any of the way the gunslinger homebrew options worked, and a lot of them were basically monk adjacent so I turned him into a monk and made his fucking monastic weapon a GUN.

Also the other npc I made was a really bonkers woman that lives in the woods and thinks the world is about to end at any moment and is extremely magically adept and eats a whole lot of shrooms lmao. idk if she'll actually show up in the campaign but she has a character sheet ready just in case

anyway. Yes Yixing is WAY different. He still has the yeehaw flair but he was originally intended to be shady and self-serving and standoffish and the kind of person who will play all sides but still find a way to come out on top. (he is still like that in my campaign..... he's like a quadruple agent lmao SPOILER for my dnd campaign that nobody cares about: he CLAIMS to be working for Anwei but he's actually working for Ciaran who knows he's also working for Anwei but he's actually double-crossing them both AND someone else that he's working for because he has his own side hustle and honestly he may or may not end up being the actual Big Bad of the campaign. I don't know yet. I hope my sister isn't reading this lol) anyway again, in the context of my novel he's now only a little bit self-serving and he will probably complain if he's super inconvenienced by helping out other people but he's still going to do it. He's a GOOD PERSON and even though I still have an extremely detailed outline of the idea I had where the plot is basically the same but he's a real shithead instead, I can't bring myself to really entertain the idea because I like him being nice. :( the whole point is that he's been through hell and back and has had a really shitty life but still finds a way to be kind and to see the good in people in spite of it all!!!! I get like. really passionate about this. Like truly agonizing about it to no one but myself. I'm the one writing the damn thing I can do whatever I want so why do I care so much about an alternate reality where Yixing is a real bastard??? I do not know.

ANYWAY AGAIN. (now here is where we really lose the thread of the original question lol) This all goes back to dnd lol because as someone that is a hard atheist, it's like. tough for me to get into the whole uhhh god thing in fantasy settings (but in this case I'm talking dnd). Like they EXIST FOR REAL in the context of the game so when your cleric or paladin prays, someone is really listening. And I was like... hm. What if I want to write a campaign where they just aren't there? (and some of my friends said I couldn't because that's breaking the rules which is stupid.. I do what I want!!!) Or that they had otherwise abandoned humanity? So then because I played final fantasy x too much in my formative years, I had the idea of “what if the gods got really fucking mad about people forsaking religion and punished them?” which turned into “what if the gods just DIED suddenly and the world fell apart in the wake?” which turned into “what if the gods realized they sucked at their jobs and that humanity was unintentionally destroying itself so they made a pact to start over but when they tried to do just that, they accidentally killed themselves?” and that is........... mostly the so-called lore now (but there is definitely more but I can't say at this time because spoilers lol) uh. I forgot where I was going with this. OH. How the characters changed. WELL. Anwei has probably changed the least lol. She is still kind of mean and weird and thinks of herself and the others like her as Far Superior to everyone else, but she's no longer downright evil. At one point she was intended to be the villain!!! but I changed my mind because I love fellow mean lesbians so much. Also it was kind of uhh. low stakes with her as a villain/antagonist. She's a little shady and definitely still very manipulative and she gets mean when jealous but not like in her first iterations.... she does still sort of try to get yixing killed though lmao

Oh also Ciaran was the last of the three that I came up with lol which is funny considering he's like. such a big deal. The only reason he exists at all is because I wanted to come up with a real Corruption Arc kind of Guy because I am a big fan of those. Also I wanted the Big Bad in my campaign to be related somehow to the Big Good. And like. what better way to do that than siblings! And then I needed a way to make my Very Cool New npc connected to both of them somehow to make the whole uhhh revolver ocelot style mind games work so I sat down and was like. well. time to tell a tragic love story lol. soooooooooo uh Thank you dnd for inspiring me to write a trilogy of novels because I wanted to do a SINGLE basic worldbuilding exercise for my dnd campaign (that even now has only had uh. four sessions ever) while I was sad and lonely last summer.

I totally went off the rails with this question and I am sorry for that :( also I could write a thousand essays about how much I love Yixing and also how many versions of him there are in my mind lol he's like that one oc that everyone has that they find a way to put in everything always. he is my alternate universe oc. very versatile

[inmyarmswrappedin]

Episode 19. Okay, guys, this was an excellent season. Thanks for watching along with me. 

Aisha’s been up all night cramming for the math exam. The wake-up alarm rings, and she turns it off with a smile, and then stretches in her chair.

As Aisha is getting ready to go to the exam, she runs into her mother. Her mom asks if she’s going to school, and when she says yes, her mom sounds more affectionate than she’s been the past few days. Aisha realizes this is a good moment to apologize. She says she’s sorry for making her mom worry, says she didn’t mean to. Her mom accepts the apology and gives Aisha her phone back for being a good daughter!

As Aisha rides the train to Oslo, we see Emrah going back to his place. Then we get shots of Aisha doing the exam, while Emrah examines his passport. Emrah also packs a bag. When he opens one of his drawers, he finds a Kinder egg capsule. He’s surprised to find one of those toys you have to build inside. Aisha must’ve left it there when she stayed the night. Emrah empties the capsule (without building the toy!!) and leaves his apartment.

Aisha texts Jamilah and Freba after the exam. She thinks she did really well! She goes back home, it seems that Yusuf is there alone. She asks where their parents are, and Yusuf says they’re away (I think at a friend’s). He still sounds a little upset. Aisha lays it on him. She’s not studying law right now. Her grades weren’t good enough to get into law. (As a Spaniard, this isn’t at all relatable to me, because Law is one of the degrees with the lowest entry grade lol.) But  she’s taken the exam again, and she did really well! Yusuf doesn’t have much of a reaction... He’s just like, “But you’ve been at school so much?” Aisha says she’s been going to Sonans, which appears to be some kind of private school that helps prepare students for uni admission tests. And because this is a private business, and not free like uni, she’s been working as much as she can so that she could pay the fees. She didn’t want to ask their parents for money for this, since it wasn’t their fault Aisha didn’t get a good grade in maths the first time around.

Aisha waits a beat, and then asks Yusuf how come he’s not screaming. Lmao. Yusuf says he doesn’t have a job. There we go! I thought it was so sus that he’d go back to his parents’ place when he’d been living abroad. He doesn’t manage a lot of artists. All his clients left him, so he went back to Norway and he’s been sending resumes and applications. This explains so much. Yusuf was so down on himself for “failing”, so he was even harder on Aisha because, as far as he knew, Aisha had so much more to lose than he did, studying law but dating Emrah, etc.

Yusuf asks Aisha why she doesn’t trust him. He says he can’t back her up if she doesn’t tell him anything. Aisha says she’d like to trust him, but she can’t when he threatens to tell their parents about Aisha’s shit whenever she does anything he doesn’t like. She jokes that she’s going to tell their parents about Yusuf not having a job. But then she sits next to him and she says he’s not like his friends say. He’s a good brother and he’s been taking really good care of her. Yusuf just has to stop treating her like a four year old, and they have to trust each other. 

Emrah then texts Aisha to meet at 5. Yusuf asks if that’s Emrah, and Aisha says yes. Yusuf says to go meet Emrah, and he’ll cover for Aisha. So we get a scene where Aisha puts a lot of work into her appearance, with a nice top, Chanel’s earrings (! girl I miss you) and necklaces.

She and Emrah meet, and hug. I feel like Aisha is a bit overdressed compared to Emrah tbh lol. But anyway, Emrah then takes Aisha to some building, and he says one of his friends lives there. Aisha is extremely creeped out. She doesn’t want to go in or to walk up the stairs or anything. Emrah says to wait behind a door for a second, but of course, we know Aisha would never not barge into a situation headfirst lol. Behind the door, there’s a terrace. It’s empty. Aisha looks over the railing as if to check whether Emrah jumped lmao. 

Emrah is actually on a higher level. He tells Aisha he told her to wait, but now she can just climb up the ladder. Aisha tells Emrah he’s so weird, but climbs up regardless. It turns out that Emrah remembered when they looked over Oslo at Ekeberg. Abdi lives in this building, and I guess he gave Emrah access to the rooftop, where he and Aisha can now have a nice view of Stovner, the neighborhood where AIsha has felt so trapped. There’s also a blanket and pillows, it’s all very sweet.

Emrah tells Aisha that is going to go away for a year. He can’t say what he’s going to do, but when he comes back, the debt will be repaid and he’ll be free. And what he’ll be doing shouldn’t hurt anyone, except perhaps himself. I don’t like this, I really wish Emrah didn’t have to go away. 😞 Why won’t Bigmac be arrested instead? But anyway, Emrah is fidgeting a bit. Aisha asks him if he’s okay, and Emrah says he’s cold. However, he’s also nervous, which we know because of what he does next. He gives Aisha the Kinder egg capsule. When she opens it, there’s a fucking ring inside lol. Aisha makes the funniest face, it’s like 😕. She looks over at Emrah, and he is kneeling! He asks her to marry him!

Aisha’s like, “no.” Gvhvhv. And she says Emrah doesn’t even want to get married. Emrah admits this is true. He just wanted to offer Aisha an out since she didn’t feel free at her parents’. Aisha says she doesn’t want to get married just to be free. Then she asks if Emrah stole the ring gvhv. She says, you have a debt so how can you buy a ring? Emrah says the ring is his mom’s, so he didn’t steal it. They laugh at how Emrah proposed marriage when they’re not even together.

Emrah says that when he was in jail, thinking of Aisha made it all so much easier. So he didn’t like that Aisha saw him like that in his apartment, talking about the panic attack. But, he’s also glad, because even after that, Aisha is still here. He says Aisha is his very best friend. Aisha says she’d never been in love before Emrah, not like this. Because Emrah always accepted her for who she is, even if she’s preachy and bossy. Emrah says maybe it’s best like this, they don’t have to be together. Aisha lays her head on Emrah’s upper arm and says he can always ask her for help, because even big, strong, tough guys need help sometimes, right? Emrah agrees. Then Aisha sticks her head under his arm, so that Emrah wrap his arm around her shoulders. Aisha says Stovner looks really nice from here. Emrah praises Stovner.

Then follows some aesthetic shots of Stovner, without people. And finally, a series of medium and close up shots of young people from Stovner. Boys and girls of different ethnicities, a couple wearing head coverings.  

I think 17/18/16/19 was a show that was always committed to do justice to Stovner kids. In many ways, Abdi, Emrah, Ibo and Aisha (Yusuf, Jamilah, Freba...) embody stereotypes ascribed to second generation kids from poorer neighborhoods. But throughout this season, I always felt that, like Aisha said, the camera accepted Aisha for who she was. Even when she behaved badly or talked shit. I feel like this season (and probably the whole show, but I haven’t watched those seasons yet) showed characters who struggle to get by, who don’t have it so easy because they’re not wealthy or white or live in a really nice neighborhood. But these characters are ultimately just people who want to be happy and make things better for themselves and others, even in little ways like not burdening their parents with added debt. I think the 17-verse cared deeply for its characters, and so I find it hard to find a flaw. Because I don’t think it sought to judge the characters, or even the characters that the mains dislike. (Like uncle and Mohammed, for instance!)

One thing I’ve read a lot when it comes to representing minorities, it’s that the media should portray the joys along with the struggles. It shouldn’t be all struggle all the time, in order to make white (straight, cis) viewers feel pity. I think the shots of Stovner and Stovner people did just that. Show the joy, shyness, happiness of these teenies when they’re asked to pose for a TV series. 

I hope you’ve enjoyed the season, and thanks for reading these posts. 💛

[buckys-other-punk]

No Air

Steve x Reader

Summary: Reader and Steve were dating for a long time until he decided to break things off with her because he felt like he was being suffocated. 

Warnings: cuss words, angst, jealousy, and depression (I don't know what else) 

Word Count: 1,423

A/N: Hello! Sorry I haven’t written in a while life has been interesting yet stressful, but I am trying to push myself into writing again because I miss it. Special thanks to @stuckonjbbarnes for letting my enter her 250 Writing Challenge, if you don’t already follower her please do because she is an awesome and amazing writer. Anyways please let me know if you wanna be tagged (or off this tag) and feedback is very much appreciated! Also this is unedited like always because I’m to lazy to quadruple check my work...

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?

“I don’t get why he has to be all touchy feely with you when I’m standing right next to you?!” Steve yelled slamming the door as you both entered your shared apartment.

You huffed with a hand over your forehead replying, “Steve I’ve told you this before me and Wesley are just coworkers. There’s no need for you to act up!” 

“You don’t get it Y/N, I don’t want to see some guy being so close to my girlfriend.” he yelled back with his hands in the air.

“STEVE, Wesley is harmless!” you yelled back dropping you purse onto the couch. 

“How am I supposed to know that he is harmless and whatever. What if his main purpose to get close to you is to fuck you?!” he said following your trail loosening his tie.

“He’s fucking gay Steve!” you yelled at him walking over to the kitchen.

“Fuck that he was trying to cop a feel Y/N! I saw it with my own eyes!” he exclaimed, walking towards the counter.

“Steve nothing is going on between me and Wesley for the thousandth time.” you said sighing rubbing your temples as a migraine starts to form.

“I find that hard to believe Y/N. You’re always getting home late from work because of all these quote un quote meetings with your team.” he says while using air quotes.

“Steve what the fuck am I suppose to do then? Huh? Quit my job and stay at home doing nothing with my life?” you yelled at your boyfriend.

“Peggy would have stayed done that.” he said under his breath thinking you wouldn’t her him.

“The fuck did you just say?” you looked at him dead in the eye. “Are you comparing me to your ex-girlfriend AGAIN, Steve?” he looked up at you with anger in his eyes.

“You know what, yes. You fucking heard me right Y/N.” He replied quickly to you fuming. “You’re always too fucking clingy when you get home from wherever you go. It's like I’m being suffocated by you. I can’t breathe whenever you’re near me.” he yelled staring at you.

Tears forming in your eyes and you refuse to let them fall down as you stare at the man you love. You look down at the counter in defeat and look back to him. Taking a deep breath you walk away from him to your room and gather all the necessary belongings you need. Steve still enraged looks at you and follows in your footsteps.

If I should die before I wake

It's 'cause you took my breath away

Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks with a strong tone.

“I’m leaving Steve because I can’t take this anymore. You accuse me of being what was it, oh right, clingy and you’re always comparing me to your beloved ex. So why don’t you call her and I'll leave you two be. How does that sound?” you yell at him finally gathering all your stuff and trying to wipe away the tears that have fallen down your face. You exit the bedroom walking towards the main door.

“Fine go then. I don’t need you.” Steve yells as he stops following you and sits on the couch staring at the blank TV screen.

“Fuck you Steve Rogers. I hope you have a happy life.” you yell while slamming the front door walking away from your once beloved apartment.

The sound of the door echoes throughout the entire apartment and that's what set Steve back into reality. What the fuck did I just do. He says to himself looking at his hands.

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave

My heart won't move, it's incomplete

Is there a way I could make you understand?

“I fucked up Bucky” Steve said through the phone rubbing his temples.

“Steve, breathe. Just call (Y/N) back in the morning. Let her sleep it off.” Bucky replied to his friend.

“Fine. Whatever.” Steve said. “I’ll text you later.” he sighed and laid in his bed thinking of how upset he made you.

But how

Do you expect me, to live alone with just me?

'Cause my world revolves around you

It's so hard for me to breathe

*a month later*

Steve was a mess. He was trying to keep his cool around his friends, but on the inside he felt empty. Whenever his friends would ask about (Y/N) he kept to himself saying that the two of you weren’t meant to be, but that was a lie. He knew it was a lie. Right after you left he felt like his world collapsed. He felt so stupid mentioning Peggy yet another time. He knew whenever he talked about her that you would always get pissed off. Steve knew what ticked you off the most and used that against you. He fucked up hard. He felt like he was actually suffocating because you weren’t there with him. You were his world and fucked up so much. Why did I have to be such a dick? He said to himself.

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?

Can't live, can't breathe with no air

That's how I feel whenever you ain't there

There's no air, no air

*seven months later*

Steve was an even bigger mess than before. He isolated himself in his apartment still torn by the fact that he never called or texted you right after the fight. How could I be so stupid? He said over and over to himself. He knew he should stop thinking about you. He was the one that broke your heart. He was the one that fucked up. Bucky had been calling and texting him for the past months. Steve never answered and didn’t want to talk. It wasn’t until Bucky came to Steve’s apartment to checkup on his friend. Luckily he has a spare key just in case Steve forgot his. Bucky saw how trashed and gloomy Steve's apartment was. 

“Shit. Steve?” Bucky said looking for his friend. Maneuvering around the mess walking towards his friend’s room. “Steve? You in there?” he asked while knocking on the door. No answer. He knocked again. “I’m coming in man. You better not be naked.” he joked pushing the closed door. He saw his friend covered in layers of blankets. “Fuck. Steve you gotta get up man.” No reply. “Right, well don’t let this get to you punk. Just please get out of here once in a while. It's too dark and depressing here. Get some fresh air.” Still no answer. “Well I’ll see you around Steve.” Bucky said as he exited the apartment.

Steve sighed as he sat up in his bed. Bucky was right, his life seemed life a mess. He should get out of the stupid apartment. He went into his bathroom and stared at his reflection. Man he looked like shit. He sighed staring at himself and turned around to turn on his shower. 

After he made himself look more presentable than usual he walked to one of the nearby restaurants. Actually he went to the one that you cherished the most since they had the best waffles in all of Brooklyn. While walking to the small restaurant he passed a fancy one that he almost took you to. He looked through the windows and saw something. Someone. (Y/N). You were sitting at a table wearing an elegant dress, smiling at the person next to you. You looked like you were shining, you seemed so happy. You seemed happy. The man who was next to you grabbed your hand and smiled. His blue eyes staring at you with adoration and brought your hand to his lips giving it a gentle kiss. Steve stared at the two of you with tears in his eyes. You and your date (A/N: alright the man is Henry Cavill because i’ve been obsessed with the Witcher and oof him shirtless my lord. alright back to the story) looked so in love and peaceful. Steve couldn’t top that when he was with you. He couldn’t be the man you wanted him to be. He couldn’t be the one who would protect you, shelter you, love you. He wanted to do those things when he was with you. He tried his best to do all these things for you, but his stupid mouth got in the way. He hurt you. He drew you away. He made you leave. He needed to leave. He needed to not see you. So he ran.

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew right off

The ground and float to you

There's no gravity to hold me down, for real

He ran to the nearest bridge sitting on the edge. Tears slipping down his face. He couldn’t take it anymore. The pain was unbearable. He just wanted to stop feeling so empty, so alone, so alone. He looked down at the water staring at the reflection of the sky and himself. He wanted the pain to end. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Standing up and crossing over the railing, he leaned over the edge. One breath in. One breath out. He let go. He let go of everything. All of his emotions towards you, everyone else and himself. He let go of trying to love you, trying to forgive himself, trying to forget you. He let go and there was darkness.

Got me here out in the water so deep

Tell me how you goin' be without me?

If you ain't here I just can't breathe

There's no air, no air

A/N: so sorry for that lol. I’m thinking of making this a mini series possibly so a second part will come sometime in the future showing the readers POV. I don't know who wanted to be tagged so I just put those who were on my previous tags...Anyways if you wanna be tagged let me know and I’ll add you! 

Tags: @sebtheromanianprince  @aquabrie @amour-quinn @anbrax5553​ @kitkatd7 @mr-skyline-r34 @carabarnes13 @pdy93 @lostinthoughtsandfeelings​ @httpmarvel @who-the-hell-is-sebastianstan @princess76179

[savetimeless]

Lucy is hurt by Noah who is part of Rittenhouse and is hospitalized Wyatt goes into her hospital room while she is resting and confesses his feelings for her little did her know she heard him, she wakes up and asks how he could love her, Wyatt then tells her all the reasons he loves her and then they kiss

Umokay I’m really sorry a) that this is so late, if you all haven’t noticed I’man inconsistent bitch and b) I tweaked it a little bit! Eep, I didn’t mean to,I was just like spitablling ideas as I went and suddenly I’d written all thisand it didn’t really conform to what you asked.

Thetimeline is a bit muddled but go with it? Also the end is a bit rushed bc Iwrote 2.5k and was like … lol they haven’t even confessed yet. And then Istill somehow wrote 1.5k on top of that. But I hope you enjoy anyway! 

i found a home for my heart - read on ao3

 Wyatt feels like he can’t breathe as he runs through thehospital. People stare at him as he goes by, but all he can think is her name,like a mantra. Or like a prayer, his need for her to be okay almost bringinghim to his knees.

He reaches her room, using the doorframe to swing in to a stop.There are two doctors in there, as well as Noah and who he assumes is Lucy’smom. The scene is – confusing. Last he heard, she’d gotten rid of Noah. And howshe’d even ended up in hospital isbeyond him, honestly, because she was supposed to be at Mason within an hour oftalking with her mom. He hasn’t seen her for a day, and he only knew she washere because he’d gotten a vague yet terrifying text from her demanding he comesave her from the hospital.

She hadn’t responded to any of his replying texts.

“Wyatt!” Lucy’s voice is panicked, and she’s sending terrifiedlooks over to her mom and Noah.

There’s a large bruise blossomed on one side of her face, theeye black and swollen shut. Her lip is cut, as well, and from the way she’sclutching her stomach he’s guessing she’s been injured there as well.

He can’t help the, “What the fuck?” that bursts from his lips ashe rushes towards her.

He cups her face gently, his thumb running over her cheekbone onher uninjured side.

“Noah,” she whispers urgently, bringing her hand up to grip hiswrist. “They’re Rittenhouse.”

Instantly, Wyatt goes for his gun. By the time he gets ittrained on him, Noah also has a gun out and pointed at Wyatt too. The doctorsscramble away and press their backs against the door.

“Lucy, get behind me,” Wyatt says tensely.

She slips from the bed, gracelessly like always, but it’s worse,because she can hardly move. She grips the bed frame and the back of his shirtas she stands behind him, leaning against him and using his body to stand. Hewants to check on her, but he’ll take his eyes off of Noah when there’s abullet in his head.

“Leave,” Wyatt barks at the doctors. They don’t move. “Leave!”

As they scurry out, Wyatt takes a step towards the door. Hewonders on Noah’s background; how has he been trained? Has he been told toavoid conflict, like Wyatt? Has he been told that if it looks like you can winyou should take out the enemy, like Wyatt? Is he seriously considering takingthe shot, like Wyatt?

Wyatt hears Noah cock his gun, and he does the same.

Takethe shot.

Before this ordeal started, Wyatt knows he would have done italready. This isn’t like Jesse James, he thinks, this is life or death.

If Noah doesn’t kill them now, he will do it eventually. By hisown hand or no, Rittenhouse will bring death down on them if they don’t killthem first. An alarm sounds on the floor, obviously in response to thesituation.

Killthem first.

With the thought in his mind, Wyatt shoots Noah between theeyes. Lucy yelps behind him, and Carolyn steps back in shock, her eyes wide.

Wyatt immediately trains the gun on her.

“Mom,” Lucy says warningly, stepping out from behind Wyatt,though keeping her hands clutched on his shirt. “Just let us leave.”

“Don’t do this, Lucy.” Carolyn’s tone is stern, obviously tryingto get back some semblance of control. “You were born to –“

“I don’t care,” Lucy snaps harshly. “You don’t get to decide whoI’ll fight for, mom. They’re killing people!Innocent people! They’re changinghistory and I’m not – I won’t let it happen.”

Killing Lucy’s mom isa whole other board game to killing Noah, so Wyatt takes a hand off his gun –still keeping it trained on Carolyn – and starts to push Lucy towards the door.

Wyatt doesn’t take his gun from Carolyn until she’s out ofsight, but even then he keeps it cocked. Lucy can hardly walk behind him,probably can hardly see either, so he slips his arm under around her waist tohelp her along.

“Wyatt,” she mumbles, “stop. Wait. Wyatt.”

He looks down to her and realizes his hand is wet. Blood.

Fuck.He should have asked whatwas actually wrong with her. She probably has stitches for some reason, and nowthey’ve likely pulled open. She’s obviously waited until she physicallycouldn’t move anymore to tell him to stop, because she’s weighing on himheavily and her gown is dripping with blood.

“Fuck, Lucy.”

He sweeps her up into his arms and her head lolls backwards.

“Lucy, listen to my voice,” he commands. She’s pale and there’ssweat beading on her face, and Wyatt knows she’s in trouble. But he can’t gether help here – he’s threatened some doctors – and Carolyn has probably alreadytold Rittenhouse he’s here and taking Lucy.

They need to get the fuck out, now.

Lucy’s eyes slip closed.

“Hey, hey, now,” he chastises, as he runs towards the fire exit.“Don’t close your eyes. Come on Luce, just look at me, okay?”

“’Kay,” she mumbles, but still, her eyes are dangerously closed.

He tries desperately to think of something to say to her to keepher engaged.

“Remember the night we met?” he asks, pushing open the door tothe fire escape with his back. She lets out a large breath that he takes tomean as a yes. “I remember thinking that you were gonna be the biggest pain inthe ass. Who gets defensive over being called ma’am?”

Her eyes are closed but she chuckles lightly, as much as shecan.

“But, hey, you know what?” He says, keeping his tone light andteasing as he goes down the stairs as fast as he can.

“Wha’?”

“You’ve turned out to be one of the best things that’s everhappened to me.”

The smile that curls up her face makes Wyatt’s heart beatfaster. Slowly, she opens her uninjured eye.

“You’re one of the best  .. . too …” Her sentence trails off and her body goes completely limp in hisarms.

But he’s outside now and he can practically see his car; he justneeds to get her there and then he can fix her up and it will be fine.

He keeps talking to her as he goes, reassuring her thateverything is fine, he has it under control, she just needs to hold on a littlebit longer.

He manages to open the door to his jeep, and puts her in thepassenger side. He declines the chair until its as far horizontal as it willgo, then he pulls one of her arms from the sleeve and pull the gown down so hecan see her stomach.

There’s a bandage wrapped around her torso that’s seepedthrough, red and ugly. He rummages through his glove compartment and gets hisfirst aid kit and sets it on the armrest, then hoists himself up into the caras well.

He kneels on her chair, one knee between her thighs and theother standing on the foot rail.

Lucy jolts awake as he’s cutting the bandages off of her.

“Wyatt?” she slurs. “What’s going on?”

“Hey, hey, just be calm,” he says reassuringly, glancing up toher face. She looks confused and scared, but not in too much pain. He knows itwon’t last once he takes the bandage off. “It’s okay, we’re in my car. I justneed to fix this up, alright?”

She brings a hand to her face, wiping away the sweat, thenpresses the heel of her palm to her eye.

Slowly, he peels the bandage from the wound, and Lucy’s breathhitches on a gasp.

The wound is long, but only one half of it has split open. It’snot deep, but it is jagged now the stitches have pulled.

He see’s her try to look, and pushes back on her shoulder. “Justlay back, alright, let me do my work. You’re so bossy.”

He grins at her and she smiles weakly back.

Wyatt switches his focus back to the task, looking through hismilitary grade first aid kit for a needle and thread. He finds it quickly, andturns around to get the lighter from the glove compartment. The needle glowsred as he holds the lighter underneath it, and Lucy looks on nervously.

“Um, I’ve had a lot of stitches in my life,” she starts lowly,nervousness making her voice quiver.

“Not surprised.” Wyatt tried for a smile, but it feels weak andfake and so focuses back on the task.

“But I’ve never had any without pain meds. Is it gonna hurt?”

Yes.

“Uh, you’ll be fine.”

“Not reassuring.”

He purses his lips. “Look, if you don’t think you can do it, I–“ He was going to say he’ll find an alternative, but the look on her facemakes him stop short.

He realizes too late he probably should have worded thatdifferently.

“Never mind, then,” he mutters.

He slips the thread through easily, then braces a hand at theopen end of the wound.

“You ever see the new James Bond?” Wyatt asks easily, makingLucy look up to him, startled.

“No.”

“It was kind of shit,” he admits.

Lucy laughs once. “Oh, yeah? Why?”

With her slightly distracted, he pulls the needle through.

Lucy tenses up, pressing her head back harshly, a groan fillingthe car.

“Relax,” he soothes, though he knows it’s a hopeless cause.“Bond got the girl in the end.”

“That’s no different –“ she grits her teeth, “to what usuallyhappens.”

“True,” he agrees, working quickly and efficiently. The stitcheswill have to be replaced, but he’s not been taught how to do perfect stitches;he knows how to save someone’s life in the field so he can get them back tosomeone who can properly save them. He’s not entirely sure who that’ll be rightnow, but he’ll worry about that soon. “But I know how it actually happened, so it was kind of a disappointment.”

She purses her lips in a tight smile, face pale and sweatbeading.

“Plus,” he says easily, “she wasn’t as beautiful as you.”

He doesn’t look up to her face, worried its too forward. Onlyyesterday he thought it would be the last of their missions together, and nowhere they are; she’s certainly far from dying in his arms, but it sure feelslike she is.

She doesn’t say anything, and he wonders that perhaps heshouldn’t have said it. His curiosity gets the best of him, though, and helooks up. Her eyes are screwed shut and her face is tightened in pain, so hefigures she probably just doesn’t have anything to say to him right now.

He finishes up quickly, and she breathes in relief when hequietly tells her he’s done.

“I just need to wrap you up.”

He moves back as far as he can as she sits up, the gown fallingto her hips. They’re close – so close –as he passes the bandage around her body, and he thinks he should have juststepped out to do this.

But her hands are braced on his shoulders, her fingers clutchinghis shirt, and he can’t really bring himself to regret it.

He helps her lay back down, then extricates himself from theseat and jumps out. His hands are covered in blood and he leans back over herto get the half-empty water bottle in the cup holder and then rinses his handsas best he can.

Lucy’s eye is starting to close again, but her head follows hismovements sluggishly. He seems relatively clean, so he goes around to his sideof the car and jumps in. She’s looking at him, a small smile on her lips.

“Wyatt,” she sighs, “thanks.”

He smiles a little, a slight pull of his lips, as much as he canmuster.

“You can go to sleep now,” he tells her. He reaches over to cupher face, then sweeps her hair behind her ear.

Her eye closes immediately, and her breathing even outs not evenhalf a minute later.

Wyatt breathes heavily then rests his head against the steeringwheel, squeezing his eyes shut.

He’d wanted this to be over.There wasn’t supposed to be any more Rittenhouse, no more fucking withtime, no more endangering everyone’s lives. And yet here he was, close tolosing one of the two most important people in his life.

The most important person.

He loves Rufus, he does, he’s come to view the man as a brotherin the few weeks he’s known him.

But Lucy. Lucy is something else. She’d shifted his whole worldso suddenly and so completely in what he knows is a very short amount of time.Just her presence had lifted him from black and white into a world of grey,which is practically a fucking rainbow compared to what it had been.

He can’t lose Lucy.

“Fuck,” he breathes, banging his head against the wheel, eyesstill closed. “It’s fucking hard loving you.”

 Things happen in a blur when they get back to Mason. Lucy isstill sleeping so he leaves her in the car with the windows down while he goesin to get some help, maybe a wheelchair.

But there are bodies everywhere and he can’t find AgentChristopher or Connor Mason or anyone, really. The Mothership is gone and so isEmma and Wyatt is just so mad that helet himself believe this was all over.

When he gets back to his car, Lucy is awake and laying quietlyin the front seat. She looks at him as he gets into the car, and doesn’t sayinganything when he shouts in anger and slams his hands against the steeringwheel.

“Wyatt?” she whispers. “What happened?”

He’s so angry that he can’t speak.

Lucy bites her lip and holds her hand out, palm upturned. Heinhales sharply, and holds his breath. Slowly, he touches his fingers to herpalm, and it’s like salvation. Their hands close around one another, fingersentwined, and it breathes calm into his system.

Wyatt takes a deep breath.

“Are you okay?”

The question is loaded. Is her wound okay? Is she okay about hermother, Noah?

She doesn’t reply, but Wyatt didn’t really need an answer. Of courseshe isn’t. Nothing about this is okay. She should never have been involved withthis in the first place, let alone be in as deep as she is now.

It’s irrational, of course; her mother and father practicallyrun Rittenhouse. She was always going to be involved.

But he wants to protect her, wants to shield her from this worldthat he is trained to fight in, that civilians should never have to see.

“Lucy, I –“

“Let’s get Rufus and Jiya and meet up with Agent Christopher,”Lucy says. “I have a lot to tell them.”

Wyatt doesn’t say anything else as he powers up the car again. Lucycalls the other three as they drive, and Wyatt gives Lucy the address of amilitary dive bar on the far side of town that they’ll be safe at.

Wyatt hooks his arm around Lucy’s waist to help her walk in,trying to keep her torso as still as possible, painfully aware that she stillhas a wound that needs to be treated properly.

Rufus, Jiya and Denise are already there, huddled in a cornerbooth as far from the main door but as close to another exit as possible.

Jiya looks almost as bad as Lucy, and Rufus and Denise look likethey haven’t slept in days.

Wyatt helps Lucy down, then settles in beside her. They mustwear grave expressions, because Denise says, “Looks like we need some drinks,”and slips out of the booth to, presumably, get some drinks.

Lucy is slightly out of breath, with a sheen of perspiration onher forehead, and Wyatt is again struck by the desperation of needing to gether seen to.

“Luce, what happened?” Rufus asks, obviously aghast.

“Rittenhouse,” she scowls. “My mom and Noah are in on it. Triedto get me to join them.”

Rufus gestures in her general direction. “And they did that toyou?”

Wyatt’s scowl matches Lucy’s. “I dealt with it,” he saysshortly. “Jiya, how are you?”

Jiya hesitates, then says, “Weird.”

Wyatt doesn’t exactly know how to respond to that, and no oneelaborates on it, so he just sits quietly.

Denise comes back with a tray of drinks for them, and if itweren’t her who got them, he’d make sure it was paid for with cash and themoney was taken out no one where near here, but it’s her, so he doesn’t, justtakes sip and lets himself wallow in how shit this situation is.

Lucy spills all the sordid details of what she’d learnt sinceshe’d left Mason Industries, and the expressions on the other threes’ facescontinue to darken.

Jiya and Rufus leave almost as soon as Lucy’s finished her tale,agreeing to meet in the morning to plan their next move.

Lucy leans against the wall and closes her eyes, and herbreathing evens out only a minute later, and Wyatt keeps a close eye on her.

“Noah stabbed her,” Wyatt informs Denise lowly. “The woundreopened on our escape. I stitched it up, but - …”

“I know a guy,” Denise says just as quietly. “Bring her to myhouse tonight. But we’ll need cash. I have three thousand, but it’s not enough.We’ll need to double that.”

It’s a lot of money. He doesn’t exactly have it lying aroundlike Christopher seems to (he doesn’t want to know why she has that much in cash),but he can get it. He doesn’t have an account with a different name, so he’llhave to take it out legitimately; he’ll take as much out as he can now, so thatit’s a one and done, and then he won’t have to worry about Rittenhouse trackinghim. They might have to go the run soon, and he doesn’t want them to be able tofollow after them.

“I’ll get it.” Wyatt looks over to Lucy, who’s sleeping, palefaced and with a cold sweat. “The sooner the better.”

“It’d cost extra to get her tonight. Not as much for in themorning.”

Wyatt purses his lips, looks back over to Lucy. Honestly, herwound isn’t particularly life threating. Painful, probably, and at a highchance of infection, but he’s seen soldiers survive longer with a lot worse.

“I’ll get the extra. Tonight.”

But he loves her.

Wyatt wakes Lucy up, then takes her to his car.

“You sure you don’t want me to take her?” Denise asks as heshuts the door. “You need to get the money. She’ll be safe with me.”

That’s probably true. He doesn’t want to leave her, but shedoesn’t need to be moved around unnecessarily. She needs to rest.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Take my car, don’t move her again. I’ll beback at yours in two hours.”

They switch keys, and Wyatt looks at her pointedly. Christopherpauses, then backs away to give them a second alone.

Wyatt pulls the door open, and leans against the frame to standclose to her.

“Christopher is going to take you to her house,” he tells herlowly. “I need to get a couple things, then I’ll come straight there, alright?”

Lucy stares at him. “To get money, you mean?”

He should have known better than to try and keep it from her.

“Yeah. We’re gonna get you fixed up.”

She frowns at him. “How much?”

Wyatt shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be back with yousoon.”

Lucy grabs his wrist before he can move away. There’s not muchstrength to it, but he doesn’t try to pull out of her grip.

“Wyatt.” Her voice is quiet, but serious. “When we were in thecar, earlier today …”

He smirks. “When I saved you, you mean?” He’s trying to make ajoke, and she smiles a bit, but then goes back to looking at him intently withher big brown eyes.

“You said –“ She pauses, searching his face.

He knows what he said.

“I said that I love you.”

She inhales sharply, relief painted clearly over her bruised features.He’s vaguely worried that it’s too much too soon, that maybe that wasn’t whatshe was referring to, but - …

Her face has the most peaceful expression.

“Wyatt.”

He loves the way his name sounds on her lips. Her fingers tightenon his wrist.

“Kiss me?”

His mouth curls up into a small smile. He doesn’t need to betold twice.

Slowly, so slowly, he wants to savor this moment like hecouldn’t with Bonnie and Clyde, he leans forward. Her eyes flutter closed, buthe keeps his on her face as he brings up the hand she’s not holding to her face,careful to not touch the swollen side.

His fingers touch her cheekbone, and his eyes follow the touch,completely enamored with the feel of her skin under his fingertips.

The second their lips brush Lucy leans in deeper, opening hermouth, even though it must hurt the cut. She tastes so sweet, with thesharpness of the prosecco cutting through. He can’t help but groan at hereagerness, his hand losing its gentle touch to thread through her hair.

He just can’t help himself; he bites her upper lip between his,avoiding the split, laving his tongue over it to sooth the mark.

She lets out a beautiful whimper, then grunts painfully andpulls back, bringing a hand up to her ribs.

“Sorry,” he breaths. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she replies, though she settles back in her seatand away from his reach. “Just hurts.”

“I’ll get the money and be back to you soon.”

She squeezes his wrist, then drops her hand. Wyatt tucks herhair behind her ear, then steps away from the car.

He goes to close the door.

She catches the door before it closes. “I love you, too.”

[littlemessyjessi]

Bobcat and Raven: My Beginnings With the Craft : A Personal Experience #MagicalMonday

Hello, smoochies!

Welcome to my witchy weirdness!

Now, disclaimer here:  I do not claim to know everything or anything.  I don't claim that my way is the right way or the wrong.  This is just my way that works for me and I thought I'd share it with you.  Feel free to tweak it to your own needs but lord, here we go.

If you'd like to read more of the Witchy Weirdness series, you can find the masterlist HERE  :)

I know it's been a hot second since the last installment but I'm trying to make a nice little schedule and get things out to you when I can.  

Today's post will be a taaaaaad bit different.

So a few of you have asked me if I'd talk about my own personal experience with the craft.

For a while, I didn't see the point because we're all different and unique but then I realized....there's a lot of people out there that feel like they're alone and they're scared.

And that's ok, honeybuns...but you're not alone.

We're here with you.

Brothers, sisters, it's ok loves.  

Be afraid if you'd like and you claim your fear because that's yours.

And I guess...that's where my journey started.

I was maybe six or so at the time when I first started my path.

My great granny, bless her soul, kept me a lot back then and I was one hell of a little demon.

Her and Pap were getting much too old to deal with the likes of me but they did it anyway because my mom wasn't the best of caregivers and just basically abandoned me and when she did have me....well it just wasn't a pleasant experience let's put it like that.

So, anyway, Granny took care of me a lot.

She taught me how to cook and how to garden.

How to grow my own food and what to do with it.

Natural remedies and to thank whoever for whatever the earth gave you.

I think in a lot of ways she was my first experience with the craft even if she didn't call it that.

She...she just taught me a lot.

Ya'll forgive me if I ramble.

This is very personal and I'm bound to get emotional.

And while I've been criticized for the way I write...I just type what goes through my mind's eyes...so it's rather raw and unfiltered most of the time.

I'm sorry, lol.

Anyway, she taught me a lot and she died the year I turned thirteen.

How cliche huh?  But that's how it happened.

She died in church that Sunday and I remember very distinctly that I was upset because I hadn't been with her in her last moments.

I'd been away on a trip at the time- gone off with some friend to the mountains for some reason or another.

We were outside playing in the woods (Like we shoudn't have been without supervision) and somehow I'd gotten seperated from Sarah Beth.

I remember laughing and giggling because we'd been playing and then realizing how alone I was.

And that's when I heard it.

A little whine of sorts, this awful little sound.

I remember stomping through the mud, making my little New Balance tennis shoes completely caked in it...something I was sure to recieve a whooping for whenever I got home.

And I kept hearing this sound and I looked in this little hole/cave like area in the side of the hill (which was very stupid btw. Do not do this.  There could've just as easily been a mountain lion in there with cubs and I could've gotten my face torn off. But I digress.)

Anyway, I pulled back a bunch of mud and muck and I found this little kitten.

Now, to me it had just looked like a little tabby cat kitten.

I was too young to know the difference or to know that you should not pick up wild animals.

But I did anyway.

It was tiny and covered in what I now realize was basically amniotic fluid.

I remember freaking out because I thought it was bleeding and it was a little bit because half it's damn right ear was gone.

That's when I saw what must've been the momma...dead.  

She'd clearly been attacked and there were little kits on the ground next to her.

All dead.

No one had survived but this little stinker and it was barely kicking as it was.

Clearly, it escaped with just part of the ear missing.

So I did what you're not supposed to do...

I tucked it in my jacket and headed back to Sarah Beth who nearly killed me for running off.

Now, I know some of you might believe this next part and some of you make thing I'm totally nuts.

But I believe in reincarnation.

And I believe that that little kit was my Granny being reborn into this world again.

I know some of you think I'm nuts.

But here's the kicker.

That was a bobcat.

And no I should not have touched it.  

Especially when I saw the momma but it just didn't click in my head.

Now the reason that this is so important is because my Granny's nickname was Bobcat.

Pap called her that since they were children and they lived just down the street from each other.

He used to call her "Kitty" when she was little because she was a touch me not and then when she developed an attitude and damn near tore his face off more than once....he called her Bobcat and it stuck.

For 53 years, guys.

She called him Ray, short for Raven, because he was always following her around and mocking her.

Note:  Ravens are scavengers and due follow animals.  They are also known to mimick sounds and are very good at this.

So, that was one thing that stood out to me but I honestly didn't really think about it until it began to grow.

Now, I took it back and Sarah's parents just about killed us and even though I bawled my eyes out....they turned it over to the authorities in the area so it could be nursed back to health.

So anyway, we head back home and I get there and I'm informed that Granny has passed.

Of course, I'm completely heartbroken.

I remember I didn't even really talk for about three days.

I stayed outside, in the tree house for a couple nights until my Uncle just made me go inside.

I just felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.

So for a while, I stopped living on an earth centric path.

Several years passed and by the time I was about seventeen...things were really bad.

A lot of things happened in that time.

A lot of dark things.

A lot of really damaging things happened to be and I got further and further away from the light.

Eventually, I was very near suicide and apparently everyone could see it.

I wouldn't admit.

There was no way you'd ever get that out of me but it was gonna happen sooner or later.  

A few of my family members and my then boyfriend took me up to the mountains again for about a week.

I mean, honestly, I felt like I was on house arrest.

I couldn't be alone.

Everyone was watching me.

They kept trying to distract or get me to talk.

I was just so sick of it.

So one night I woke up in the middle of night...and just went outside.

Which mind you...is stupid to do in the mountains.

Especially, in that particular area because it's entirely possible to have a mountain lion or a bear out there.

Don't do that.  I was an idiot.

So anyway, I go out in my fucking pajamas with a cigarette and nothing else.... like a nutcase and I'm sitting there on the railing smoking something I managed to bum off this kid at the front desk at the cabin check ins.

And then I hear something.

I look around and I don't see anything...because it's dark and I couldn't be bothered to turn on the light.

Honestly, it's miracle something didn't eat me just to get rid of my stupidity.  

I'm serious.

Well, anyway.

I look over and there sitting on this porch swing...is a bobcat.

Now, I wasn't a total idiot and I did realize that there was a bobcat sitting there on a swing not three feet from me and if I pissed it off....it could easily fuck me up.

So I froze and then tried to back into the cabin.  

I knew that typically they tended to shy away from human and here this one sat on the porch swing close to me and that if it had rabies that could cause erractic behavior.

I also knew that they were super fast and had crazy sharp claws.

So since I didn't favor being turned into shredded chicken any time time...I tried to back again.

Attention:  Do not fucking run from them as it will provoke them to chase you.  Same with mountain lions.  Please for the love of gods, do not fucking run from mountain lions.  You will not win and it will not end well. That sounds savage but I'm just telling you.  

Anyway, I get back into the house and I stop because in what little light there is outside I see a shadow of this fucking bobcat....with half of it's fucking ear missing.

And I just freeze like an idiot.

And then I started crying because I was positive that this was the little kit that I found several years back.

Eventually someone heard me and jerked me back into the house before turning the light on and making enough noise to run it off and wake up everyone else.

I was lectured.

I was hugged close enough that I could feel my lungs squeeze.

I was told that we were going back home.

However, I begged them to stay.

I told them I'd talk.

I'd work through it.

Honestly, it was more than anyone had heard from me in a long time so we stayed.

Pap was with us on that trip and finally I broke down and told him about the bobcat, and the one I'd found...and why I got so emotional about it.

He understood and the next morning I saw him sitting in the swing with coffee in hand...and that bobcat was on the side of the hill, head down on it's paws, just looking at him.

I remember I tried to get his attention to keep him safe but he just told me to come on outside.

I was cautious but I went because I trusted Pap and sat with him.

He looked at the bobcat and looked at me and he said, "You know that's your Granny."

I'll be honest.

It chilled me to the bone because there was no way I was going to say that outloud.

Given everything that had happened to me and my depression...I knew saying that would get me put into a glorified looney bin.

Call it what you will but we all know what it is.

I remember trying to beat around the bush and he called me on it more than once.

He told me that he just knew and that he knew that I knew...because Granny and I always had that connection.

I remember him pointing out the ear.

Now, it's important to know that my Granny was a cancer survivor.  

She had it four times and kept pulling through.

However the last time had caused her to lose a good chunk of her ear because they had to cut it out.

I had honestly forgotten about it at the time because I just didn't see that kind of thing when I looked at Granny.

I remember him telling me how a normal bobcat would've already run off but that that had to be his "Bobcat" because while she was a touch me not...she always wanted the attention.

He also informed me that while my Aunt was trying to load up my suitcases that morning while I was asleep (so that we would have to go home sooner)....the bobcat was sitting on top of the jeep.

I remember him telling me how she was my guardian all my life and that she was my guardian again now.

I remember just breaking down and crying for hours.  

People came out to try and help but Pap just waved them off...and that bobcat stayed there the whole time.

Never moved.

Never did anything.

Guys, I'm sorry if my writing is so broken for this but I get very emotional with this memory.

I'm trying to share things with you because I think it's important to share them but wow, I just really miss her.

Anyway, I'm getting it together.

So, my point is half the family went ahead and went back home and I stayed there in the mountains with Pap, my Uncles for another week.

It was pretty quiet and honestly I felt better than I had in a while.

I stayed in the loft and kept the blinds open.

The bobcat would come back every day and just lay there.

Pap would sit outside and drink coffee and he eventually convinced me start meditating.

I'd do my thing and he'd ask me ever so often if I could mix up something for his psoriasis because it was itching.

I remember telling them that I didn't really remember how to do it anymore but that I had some lotion.

He said nothing being the natural and eventually the guilty got the best of me and I tried my best to make him an oil for it.

I was rusty and it was waaaaaay rough around the edges but he used it anyway.

We actually happened to be there towards the end so that it did actually coincide with a full moon.

Which has less to do with coincidence and more to do with the fact that I ended up in that damn cabin for close to 2 1/2 weeks, lol.

Anyway, it had been a long time since I'd done anything full moon meditation and so I took a minute to do it by sitting in front of the window and closing my eyes.

I prayed.

I focused.

I meditated.

And when I was done and I opened my eyes....there it was again.

It was just laying there until it got up and jumped down on to the porch and up onto the other side of the window.

It stared at me right through the glass and I'll admit to being afraid.

It just stared until it leaned forward and pressed it's head against the glass.

I don't know what possessed me to do it but I just did it too.

And all I could hear was my Granny's voice in my head telling me that she loved me and that it was ok to be sad.

It's your choice to believe me or not because that's not what mattered.

After that, the bobcat just looked at me for a moment and then walked away.

I didn't see it again on that trip after that and then we went back home.

But guys, a few years ago my Pap died and we had his funeral in the mountains because that's where he was from and where his original family was.

So we all went and we got a different cabin so we could stay a week.

I'll be honest, I was really devasted when he died.

The other family that went with us on the trip was my Dad's side of the family.  

Pap just went because he loved and cared about me.

So really Granny and Pap were the only ones on my mother's side of the family who really gave a damn about me...and I just felt so empty again after that.

I remember bawling my eyes out again but doing much better than I had the first time.

I was older now and an adult so I got up and got a cup of coffee.

I went out on the porch with my coffee and my poptart (like a fully functioning adult, lol) and sat on the little bench and when I finally looked up I nearly had a heart attack.

There was a bobcat and a raven on the hill side.

Fear and panic were the first things to course through me because hello, bobcat.

The second was shock because what the fuck?!

And then I noticed that damn ear again and I just started tearing up.

I remember actually whispering 'Granny?' and it just laid down.

And that raven...

Which by the way, this is important.

Raven's are not a popular bird in Tennessee.  This is usually more of a crow territory but there is a specific popular of ravens that migrated into the mountains of east tennessee years ago.  Ok, factoids over, lol.

Anyway, this damn raven just hops up and lands on the railing in front of me...and I'm just sitting there staring at the both of them like I'm looking at Jesus Christ himself.

And I'm just crying because I have no doubt in my mind that that was Granny and Pap.

Bobcat and Raven.

For me, that was magic.

That was the earth and the universe pulling it in.

I don't believe that we ever leave each other.

I don't believe than anything is really ever over.

Have I seen them again since then?

No.

But I like to think that maybe one day when it's my time to go....they welcome me on a walk through the mountains with them.

Thank you for being apart of my little walk down memory lane.

I'm crying again.

Bawling my eyes out actually.

I'm not sad really.

I just miss them and I'm so grateful to have had them in my life.

Thank you, smoochies for listening to me blubber and I hope that sharing my experience with you had helped you.

Much love, all the light and many, many blessings to you.

)0( Kennysaurus )0( Love you forever Bobcat and Raven

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[sylveon-official]

bustin out the mpreg fluff as everyone else busts out the porn lol

Pt. 3 of Otayuri mpreg adventures

It's two in the morning and Yuri just wants a damn cheeseburger.

ao3 or under the cut

“Beka…”

“Mmmm…?”

“Beka, wake up.”

“Wha… what time is it?”

Yuri purses his lips, but continues to softly, yet urgently jostle Otabek by the bicep. There are more much more important matters to worry about than a little thing like the time.

“Beka, please…”

Otabek finally groans and rolls over to face Yuri, an arm flung over one eye as the other seeks out the digital alarm clock on the side table, just past the bulge of Yuri’s six-and-half-month pregnant belly.

“Yura…”

“Beka…”

“It’s two in the morning…”

“I know, but—”

Otabek cuts him off with a sharp sigh, thumbs going to massage his temples.

“Babe… you promised me no more middle-of-the-night snack runs.”

Yuri huffs, folding his arms atop of his belly in defiance.

“I can’t exactly help it—”

Otabek clucks his tongue and Yuri really doesn’t think he appreciates the sound of it. Before he can vocalize that thought, Otabek cuts in again.

“I know. Yura, I know. It’s just—I also know you know I have to be up for practice at five—”

Yuri splutters indignantly. “Yeah, well, you went to bed at like nine last night—”

“—and this is the third time this week—”

Yuri scoffs as Otabek rails on, voice increasing in speed and volume.

“And I seriously can’t help but think you’re just doing this on purpose to test my patience at this point!”

The air stales in the ensuing silence, Yuri biting his lip to quell the impending outburst.

Yuri briefly catches Otabek side eyeing him, frozen in horror as Yuri’s lip trembles and small whine escapes, inevitably bubbling over into a broken wail.

“Yura!” Otabek cries, clearly exasperated, as Yuri’s sobs grow more forceful.

“Yuri, shhh, you’re going to wake the neighbors up again—”

“Is that all you care about?” Yuri whines through big, fat, theatrical tears that he honestly can’t really help, but isn’t really trying to hold back.

“Of course not, Yurachka, it’s just—”

“When your pregnant as fuck mate is right next to you, fucking starving and in a hormonal rampage no thanks to you,” Yuri sneers through hiccupping sobs and judging by the way Otabek draws in a tight breath he knows he’s pushing his mate to his wit’s end, but once he gets this wound up this tight he can’t stop until he—

“Come on, Yuri! You can’t just cry me into getting you McDonald’s at fuck-all-o’clock in the morning every fucking time you—!”

—snaps—

“I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU, JUST FUCKING STOP!”

Yuri is gasping ragged breaths by the time he’s done, and one glance at Otabek tells him he’s really gone too far this time.

“Yuri…” Otabek breathes, features twisted into something in between concern and shock.

Great. As if he needed another outburst to add to the stockpile of reasons for Otabek to leave him before the pup’s even born. Yuri wouldn’t even blame him at this point.

“Yura, relax,” Otabek says, barely a whisper, and it isn’t until his hand is hovering cautiously over Yuri’s own that he realizes he’s shaking.

Before his brain can catch up with his actions, Yuri’s pulling away his hand as if its been burnt.

“Don’t touch me,” Yuri rasps back belatedly.

He needs to get away from here. Yuri shuffles to his left so that his feet are off the side of the bed. He uses the side table to hoist himself up, breathing deep for a few moments to steady himself.

Otabek doesn’t say a word as Yuri slips out the door.

Yuri sits cross-legged on the couch, staring into the black of the television screen as he works slowly on his next spoonful of peanut butter. He strokes absent-mindedly at the bulgiest part of his tummy where his spawn has been kicking up a storm for the better part of the last hour, clearly an act of spite for waking her up in the middle of the night.

Tears are rolling silently down his cheeks when Otabek rounds the corner, softly knocking at the partition between the hallway and the living room. Yuri sniffles and makes quick work of brushing the tear tracks away.

“Hey,” comes Otabek’s voice, soft and cautious.

“Hey,” comes Yuri’s response around the mouthful of peanut butter he’s still working on.

“Can we talk?” Otabek ventures a little further into the room. Yuri tenses up, because when is the phrase ‘can we talk’ ever indicative of anything good? Still, Otabek’s never been that sensitive to layered meanings and Yuri nods ‘yes’ anyway, scooting towards the far end of the couch so that Otabek can take a seat a safe distance away.

Yuri is still staring into the empty television when Otabek sits down, legs spread wide enough to touch the edge of Yuri’s pinky toe that’s hanging off of the couch. He draws back instinctively, but sighs when he earns a vaguely hurt expression from Otabek in his peripheral.

“You know I don’t hate you…” Yuri starts lamely, letting the sentence hang in the air before he’s interrupted by a sharp kick to his bladder. “Ow, fuck.”

“I know. Is she keeping you up?” Otabek tentatively reaches out towards where Yuri is kneading at his belly, hand hovering and eyes questioning.

Yuri shoots him a guarded look, but it melts down quickly. He’s too tired to keep up the act and his wrist is cramping anyways. He grabs Otabek’s hand and guides it towards where the baby is kicking.

Otabek huffs what counts as a small laugh for him as he takes over the gentle massage. “Feels like she’s kickboxing your guts.”

Yuri grimaces. “Yeah. Payback for waking her up I guess…”

Otabek hums noncommittally as they lapse into a silence that’s not exactly tense, but is slightly weighted on top of the exhaustion that’s clearly settling over them both.

Yuri’s the first to give into the exhaustion and follows his instinct, setting the thoroughly licked spoon down on the coffee table sothat he can slide back into Otabek’s chest. Otabek accommodates him easily, shifting so that his back is against the armrest and one leg is behind Yuri. Yuri adjusts so that he’s lying sideways on top of him. He noses at Otabek’s neck, relaxing at the familiar scent.

Otabek’s other hand snakes around to stroke at Yuri’s elbow, thumbing tenderly at the skin there as his other hand continues to massage just below his bellybutton.

“I’m so sorry, babe,” Otabek sighs into Yuri’s hair, before pressing a long, sweet kiss into the crown of his head.

Yuri tenses up at the admission, and it’s not long after that his face is scrunching up in a sniffle that he tries to suppress — which unfortunately, just leads to more tears leaking from his eyes.

“Fuck!” Yuri whispers through a hiccupping little sob, hiding his face in the crook of Otabek’s neck while gripping helplessly onto the collar of his boyfriend’s shirt.

“Shhhh,” Otabek breathes into his hair, nosing along his scalp and peppering the occasional kiss there. “It’s okay, Yura.”

“Ugh!” Yuri beats a fist half-heartedly into Otabek’s chest once he’s gained control of his breath. “It’s not, though, Beka! I’m the one who should be sorry. I know I’ve been a fucking pain in the ass—for months now. I know I’m doing it, but I can’t stop, and I—” he chokes on a small sob before forcing through his tears, “I feel like I’m pushing you away,” Yuri sniffles, voice small and fragile.

“Yuri…”

Otabek sighs and for a split-second Yuri is genuinely anxious that he’s simply going to agree. Instead, Otabek lifts his hand from Yuri’s belly to tilt his chin up so they can lock eyes. Yuri knows his own eyes must be gross and puffy and bloodshot, so he quickly lifts a hand to cover them.

“Yuri…” Otabek sighs again, this time with a hint of laughter behind his tone that convinces Yuri to let his boyfriend gently remove the hand over his eyes.

Yuri sends an exaggerated pout in Otabek’s direction as his mate thumbs gently at the tear tracks he can feel starting to stick to his skin.

Otabek smiles softly in return, that rare, dope-y lovesick one that would leave Yuri weak at the knees if he weren’t already lying down.

“I don’t know if you realized it yet, but you’re pregnant, kotik.”

Yuri rolls his eyes and huffs at that, but Otabek just presses a kiss to his hairline before continuing, “Cravings, hormones… temper tantrums...” Otabek pauses meaningfully and smirks, the bastard, “They’re all part of the experience. And besides, if you being an ‘asshole’ is what was supposed to drive me away, I think that would’ve happened a long time ago.”

Yuri’s mouth drops open at that and he has every intention of verbally chewing his mate out, except he really can’t help the way his mouth twists into a grin on its own accord.

“You are a fucking dick!” Yuri manages between disbelieving laughter, slapping Otabek hard enough on the chest that his breath gets knocked out of him.

“If you’re the asshole and I’m the dick, we fit together perfectly—,” Otabek positively leers before leaning down and blowing a raspberry into the crook of Yuri’s neck.

“Gross!” Yuri cries out, giggling as Otabek assaults his neck, raspberries devolving into a deep chuckle that vibrates against Yuri in a way that causes a shiver up his spine…

… and an attention-starved baby to make her presence known once more.

“Ow, okay, okay, Beka, stop— she— oh…”

Otabek detaches himself from Yuri’s neck instantly, peering down as Yuri clutches at the round of his stomach.

“Yuri?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just gimme a minute—” Yuri bites out, palming at the spot where he’s cramping up.

Otabek’s hand joins him as the pain starts to subside.

“Just two more months,” Otabek sighs, gently stroking over Yuri’s bellybutton. His eyes flutter closed and he sinks deeper into the couch, pulling Yuri more firmly against his chest.

“Try two and a half. Don’t try to pretend those last two weeks aren’t going to be hell… I already feel fucking huge. If I can’t walk, you’re gonna have to carry me everywhere,” Yuri yawns, snuggling into Otabek’s chest as his own eyelids grow heavy with fatigue.

He feels Otabek scoff from the rise of his chest against his cheek but before his mate can get a word in, Yuri continues, “Also, you owe me a McDonald’s breakfast if I wake up with a fucked up back from sleeping like this.”

“Brat,” Otabek whispers behind a short laugh and Yuri smirks against his collarbone in return.

“You love me.”

“I do,” Otabek replies, and Yuri can feel him smiling lazily against his hair.

The next morning, Yuri smiles as he wakes up to the smell of egg McMuffins and hash browns.

“I figured it was better not to risk it,” Otabek is leaning smugly against the kitchen counter and ready to explain when Yuri cracks an eye open.

“I love you so much,” Yuri groans dramatically before burying his face into one of the throw pillows.

“I know,” Otabek responds with a laugh.

And even though Yuri’s back does kind of have a crick in it, he wouldn’t trade this moment for anything – even for a two in the morning food-run.

[mooberg]

Changes

Lol me and my one word, abstract af titles back at it again. With the revelation of Horns being a Satyr virus a long long time ago, Larka also told me the info you’re about to discover below. Not wanting to put all my eggs in one basket right off the bat, and also not wanting to make it seem like I was changing everything about my son all at once, i decided to wait a bit before writing this. 8 months later and I’ve been struggling so fucking hard to get this down. Needless to say, I shoulda put all my eggs in one basket. However, I’m quite fond of this here fic. And i hope you all enjoy!

Warnings: graphic-ish descriptions of the 99er project, implied suspicion of self-harm (don’t worry it doesn’t actually happen), Horns being an angsty motherfucker, depression... wow... I am so sorry....

Word Count: 6727. That’s right, it’s a biggun.

“So you're just gonna sit there?”

“Yes.”

“Staring at me?”

“Horns-”

“While I meditate like a Buddhist Monk?”

“First of all, I will be reading, thank you.” Psi corrected him with slight exasperation. “And second, this is far different from the meditations of the Monks, and you should very well know that by now.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Horns smirked, getting himself seated comfortably on his favourite armchair. Not an easy feat when you had to sit cross-legged, but he somehow seemed to manage it.

Psi rolled his eyes. “Are you ready?”

“Ready as I'll ever be.” Horns nodded. With his go-ahead, the planters next to Horns' chair began to bloom and sprout. Lavender, Myrrh, and Vetiver were amongst the greenery that grew, their purpose to calm and ground Horns during his meditation.

“Take your time.” Psi said, his own way of telling Horns to begin.

“Everyone brace yourselves! Horns is about to do weird magic shit!” Glitch called up the stairs of their dorm just as Horns got situated.

“You better shut up or that magic shit might be directed at you.” Horns quipped, cracking an eye open just in time to see Glitch duck her head as she ran out of the kitchen, no doubt squirreling away a snack. He closed his eyes with a smile, breathing deeply as he lowered himself into a trance.

. . . . .

He was cold. Very cold. A bright light shone down at him, and he would have mistaken it for the sun if it weren't for the fact it was still cold. He tried to turn his head away from the light, hoping for at least a little reprieve, but it wouldn't dim. He was cold, partially blinded, and his clothes were gone. His clothes were gone? Why? People stared down at him. People with glowing eyes and white coats, staring down at him like gremlins.

They had saws. Really long blades, and they were getting closer. He tried to squirm, desperately trying to run away, but he was bound where he lay. There was no escape. The first drop of pain ripples across his body in waves of agony. Why are they doing this? Stop! They're drilling into him! They're putting metal pieces into him and pulling the holes open! Stop!

He wants to vomit. He wants to pass out. But he doesn't know what these people will do to him when he isn't looking. He has to stay awake. Through all the agony, through all the screaming and the tears, he has to stay awake. He can feel the tiny drills seeping into him, like a million bee stings all at once. He can't help but squirm as they invade his body. They're still stretching him open all over and he can't look. He's too afraid of what he'll see. He doesn't want to see. Just focus on the cold. Try not to think about it and just focus on the cold. It'll be over soon enough, just don't think about it.

They're putting things inside him. He can feel every movement they make as they do so. It's impossible not to. They feel like he's had marbles injected under his skin. He's crying and screaming and nobody seems to care. Why don't they care that they're putting him through such agony? They have to stop- focus on the cold. Just focus on the cold and you'll get through this. You have to stay awake. You need to know what they've done to you. An anger bubbles up inside him, turning his knuckles white and leaving a taste of bitterness in his heart. You can't trust these people, so you need to stay awake. Even when you feel you're at your wit's end, you need to stay awake through it all.

Then they remove their devices. Their syringes are gone, and the pain goes from constant to throbbing. Same intensity but washing over him in deep waves. They leave him shivering on the cold table with gaping wounds and he feels his anger become tainted with humiliation. He's exposed. He's been violated and invaded. But he did it. His will alone kept him conscious and fighting through the pain. Those glowing eyes burn in his memory, and he feels himself tense with anger.

They'll pay for this. The last thing they'll see is his face before he snuffs them out. Their own precious weapon turned against them. That's what holds him over in this moment of quiet, the closest thing he'll get to peace. They'll pay. It repeats in his mind like a mantra as everything slowly fades to black, his body still cold.

. . . . .

“Horns! Wake up!”

Horns felt himself shift, and he recoiled back in his chair.

“Don't touch me!”

His eyes were still shut. He couldn't see who had gotten so close to him, but he didn't care. If they were even remotely related to those people who had done this, it didn't matter. They were going down.

“Horns.”

Their hands were on his arms. They were trying to hold him down. They wouldn't get a chance. Horns kicked out, feeling his foot make contact with something hard.

“Agh, fuck. We need to wake him up!”

“Horns-”

“Jolly, keep your distance.

Jolly. Jolly? They'd gotten Jolly too? Those fuckers-

No. Jolly hadn't been there.... Had he been there? Was he still there?

Horns opened his eyes slowly, blinking against the harsh light. For a moment he was back in that room, but he forced the idea down with a deep swallow. He just needed his eyes to adjust. That was all.

“Horns.” He stared at the ground for a moment before groggily shifting his gaze up.

“G-Glitch?” He croaked out. “Where- where are we??”

Glitch flinched at the urgency and fear in his voice. “We're in the living room of our dorm at the Academy.”

“The Academy? You- you mean I'm not still in that bright room?”

“Bright room?” Glitch asked. Behind her, Gamma stiffened.

“Horns, what was in the bright room?” Horns' eyes swung to her, widening at Psi just coming to consciousness on the couch in front of her.

“What happened? Why's Psi passed out?” He curled in on himself, whispering, “What did I do?”

“Horns. The bright room.” Gamma prodded.

“There w-were people with glowing eyes. They were in lab coats, a-and they...” Horns squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the memory. “They did things to me. There were drills and it hurt so bad and I was cold and-”

“Okay.” Gamma shushed. “It's okay Horns. That wasn't you.” Her attention back to Psi shifting in her arms. “You alright, Psi?”

“I believe so.” He sat up, taking in the state of the room, and his team, around him. “I... should go.”

“Wait, Psi-”

“Gamma please.” Psi nodded to her. “I am fine.”

Without another word, he made his way to the door. Gamma watched with a hint of frustration through her concern as he simply grabbed a jacket and left. Her eyes shifted to where Horns had curled in on himself in the armchair, looking down and not seeming to listen as Glitch and Jolly spoke to him.

Callow approached her slowly. He said quietly, “You go with Psi, we'll take care of him.”

“A-are you sure?” Gamma replied.

Callow shrugged. “Gam, he's family.”

“But you're all family, too.” Gamma said.

“But you've known him longer. And through a lot more.” Callow retorted. “Gams, I'm sorry, but in this instance you're gonna have to choose. Even though I know you hate that.”

Gamma let out a long sigh. “Call me the moment things go off the rails.”

"We will.” Callow nodded. "And hey, I know you've got 97 others looking out for you, but if things go sideways just try to let us know too. We're worried for him just as much as the rest of you."

"Of course, of course." Gamma agreed.

"Alright, get him home to Sammy." Callow said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "And promise you'll call me if you need me?"

"Promise."

Horns didn't even look up as Gamma left. Nor did he look at Glitch as she knelt in front of him. His eyes were shut tight against the world, tears sliding down his cheeks seemingly without his notice.

"Horns, look at me."

He just curled in on himself.

"Look at me.”

His eyes cracked open.

"We're going to get you upstairs and into bed, okay?"

He shifted, the beginnings of a resistance in his posture and on his trembling lips.

"You don't have to sleep." Glitch cut him off. "But we need to get you warm."

At his lack of response, Glitch took that as understanding. She was wrong. She offered a hand for him to hold, but quickly withdrew as he flinched at the movement, part of his mind still trapped in whatever he saw. Instead, she stood, watching him patiently as he silently debated what to do. She saw the flickering of his eyes darting about in a plan, and she knew.

"Open the door." She mumbled quietly to Jolly.

Jolly gave her an odd look, but nodded, heading over to do so just as Horns bolted. Jolly leapt to grab his coat and hook it on his shoulder as he passed, barely managing to catch him. And with his faster speed, Horns was gone in an instant.

Glitch let out a sigh which quickly devolved into an angry growl. She turned to Peony. "Track him. Do not lose him, but don't let him see you either."

"You're not going to give him space?" Callow asked.

"Did you see his arms?" Glitch said. "They were littered with scratches. No cuts yet, but we don't know what happened. We don't know what it may make him do."

Wordlessly, Peony went for the still open door.

"Peony."

She turned, lips tight.

"Bring him back safe."

. . . . .

Horns had found the heart of the forest. He could feel the souls of old trees surrounding him, protecting him, comforting him. He collapsed under one of them, holding his sides as he rocked back and forth. His breathing was heavy, slightly visible in the cold afternoon air of late autumn. Unseen above him, Peony watched from the branches.

"What did I just do?" Horns whispered to himself. "What..." He cut himself off with a strangled sob, not quite crying, but certainly close to it.

"Ok. Ok, I need to calm down." He stood, pacing from tree to tree. "Ok let's think about this. That... that was Psi. That wasn't me. And he- oh my god. That was the project. Oh..."

He stopped pacing, eyes on the ground and hands over his mouth. His body shook with shock and fear at the realization of what he'd just done to Psi. Countless scenarios ran through his head. Psi could never be the same again. That project.. from what he saw, and what he'd heard before, it had been intense. No one should have to relive that, and he just had. But maybe Psi would be fine. Would he? Horns had never been equipped for something borderline torturous like that, and he doubt he ever would be. But now those images burned bright in his mind like a flame, its fire spreading, consuming him in painful agony. It left scars on his open heart that he wasn't sure would heal. And as he sank back to the ground, the tears began to fall anew.

Peony frowned, making her way quietly to the base of the tree. She crouched as she watched him dissolve further into his meltdown, the sobs shaking his already trembling form. He was breaking inside, and the cold around him wasn't helping. Silently, she retrieved his jacket from where he had dropped it, bracing for his undoubtedly startled reaction when she placed it on his shoulders.

To say he jumped would be an understatement. He flinched so hard she was surprised he hadn't broken something.

“P-Peony...” He stammered. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to make sure you don't do something stupid.” She replied, the bluntness of her words making him cringe.

“I... I wouldn't have-”

“Then what's with the scratches?”

Horns looked down at his arms, shock writing itself across his face. Where once were white porcelain arms dotted only with veins and Woodland Virus markings, scratches and hairline cracks now muddled the once smooth surface.

“I.. don't know how... I didn't do that.” He hesitated. “N-not on purpose anyway.”

Peony frowned. “Okay... wasn't expecting that. Alright. Alright, that's okay.” She crouched in front of him. “Look, you've gotta be freezing by now. Let's get you home.”

“I don't wanna go home.” He mumbled.

“Excuse me?” He winced at the disbelief in her voice. “Horns, it's freezing out here, and you came out here cold as an icecube to begin with.”

“I don't want to hurt anyone else.”

Peony couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes before she slapped him.

".... thank you?" Horns said, his confused look matching the tone of his voice.

"You know who I am, Horns." Peony began. "I'm an assassin. I've murdered people both in front of you and behind your back."

"Pe-"

"I'm skilled with a blade, and I know exactly where to put it to cause the most pain with the least amount of damage. I could kill you right here, right now, and no one would know. Just leave your shattered body in a garbage bag somewhere. They'd never find you. Cover it with enough layers of plastic, they'll never see your pulsing soul crying out for help. Wandering hopelessly without a body."

"W-what are you trying to say?" Horns asked, eyes wide and veins flaring with fear.

"I'm saying that if ever there was a time for you to retaliate, that slap coming from someone like me was it." Peony said. "So, knowing that, you really think you're that dangerous?"

"I... I don't know..." Horns replied.

"Do you trust me?" Peony asked.

Horns looked away but managed to mumble out, "You know I do."

"Then come home." Peony's voice was almost pleading. "Please? Stop moping around in the forest. It's creepy and emo."

“As always, Pe, your version of comfort is both soothing and annoying.” Horns said.

Peony bumped their shoulders together lightly. “Would you expect any less from me?”

“Not in the slightest.”

. . . . .

“Hey.” Callow answered his phone softly, nodding to Glitch, nestled at the foot of the bed as Horns slept deeply under many covers.

“Hey.” Gamma echoed just as softly. “How's it going over there?”

“Well... like you'd expect.” Callow said. “He freaked, went for a freakout in the woods like he always does, and then we dragged him back home and sat his ass in bed. He's asleep now. Glitch is keeping an eye on him and I doubt she's leaving any time soon.”

“That's good.” Gamma sighed.

Callow hummed his agreement. “How about Psi?”

“I think he'll be alright.” Gamma said. “He wouldn't say a word to me on the drive home, but I didn't really expect him to. He's with Sammy now.”

“Good.” Callow hesitated, unsure in this situation what questions were too much. “Gamms, what happened?” There was a very long pause, and Callow felt his shoulders tense. “You... don't have to tell me-”

“No, it's... it's fine.” She cut in. “It's just... stuff from the past. I think he'd prefer if you found out from him. Or Horns, I guess, if he's ready to talk....”

He gave a wry laugh. “He's barely ready to think about it right now, let alone talk about it.”

“Just give it time, alright? It's a lot to take in. Don't push him.” She advised.

“We wont. Of course we won't.” He agreed. “Look, it's been a rough afternoon, I think we should both get some rest.”

“Yeah.” She agreed.

“But I love you.” He offered lightly. “And I know things are going to turn out alright.”

“I know.” She agreed. “Love you too. Bye.”

In two separate rooms on opposite sides of the city, two halves of a couple both sighed, “God I hope this turns out alright.”

. . . . .

“Cal?” Jolly leaned around his door

Callow hummed his acknowledgment, eyes still glued to his screen.

“Glitch sent me to get you.” Jolly said. “Well, I mean, she didn't really send me, but she was having trouble staying awake and kind of hinted that you said you'd take over watching Horns and so I-”

Callow smiled at her rambling and shut his laptop, taking it with him as he stood. “Yeah, I did say I'd cover her. Thanks Joll.”

“No problem.” She mumbled out, words blocked by worry.

“Hey.” He gave her shoulders a slight squeeze in a side hug as he passed her in the door. “He's gonna be fine. I know it.”

“Yeah...” Jolly sighed.

Callow just gave her head a pat and made his way down the hall. Jolly always let the mood of others affect her. It was both endearing and simultaneously worrying, but they loved her for it.

“Glitch?” He called as he pushed the door to Horns' room open.

“Mm?” She hummed in reply, groggy eyes blinking at him.

He smiled softly. “Get out of here. Go take a nap.”

“Mmmmm...” She flopped off the foot of the bed where she'd been perched the whole time. “Alright. He's asleep. Watch him. Nightmares, y'know...”

“I know, Itch.” Callow helped her to her feet and gently guided her to Jolly. “I got this. Just go sleep.”

“C'mon Gigi.” Jolly took her back down the hall, sending a grateful smile over her shoulder to Callow.

He let his smile linger for a bit before turning to the lump of Horns asleep, and practically buried, beneath the blankets. His smile slowly faltered. Everyone wanted to be there for Horns, Glitch especially, but it was hard when no one knew what they were up against. When even Horns didn't know what it was, and he'd been the one to experience it, they knew they were fucked. Still, they held out hope they'd figure it out, in time. They didn't dare mention it outside the dorm for fear that their peers would look at Horns differently. He already had to conceal one major part of who he was with his hoodie, better to keep this quiet. At least until he could control it better. At least until he chose to make it public.

He'd hit a depressive episode, though, their friend. He often got like this when he messed up, even if he was the only one who considered it as such. When self doubt reared its ugly head. Jolly and Peony had pieced together one night over a particularly strong cup of hot cocoa that it had something to do with where he grew up; his trepidation of opening himself up to strangers a strong indicator. As such, they tread carefully but closely as he worked through it, keeping an eye on him where they could. One day they'd crack that shell, but for now they'd settle for Horns cracking a smile.

Until then, Callow set his laptop up on Horns' desk, booted up a time wasting game, and waited. One ear always perked in his direction.

. . . . .

It was some time before Horns woke. Callow had already made his way through two of Jolly's hot cocoa deliveries, and most of the remnants of a paper due for Cursive Delta's class in a month, by the time he heard the sounds of a Satyr stirring. He spun around in the desk chair, waiting to see what state Horns was in today.

Apparently not a good one, as the stirring continued, but the waking did not. Callow recognized the signs of a nightmare instantly, having been through many himself. There was a split second in which he considered getting Glitch, but that was quickly shot down. She was far too tired.

He approached the edge of the bed slowly in an effort to make no noise. Horns shuffled beneath the sheets, rolling from one side to the other, constantly moving. But even when he stopped shifting his body, he was doing something with is arms.

"Horns. Wake up buddy." He called softly. Horns rolled on to his back, tangled in his sheets, and Callow almost reached out to shake his arm. Almost. He stopped and watched as Horns scratched at the very same arm. Peony had warned them of this, and the way Horns scratched with an almost fearful need worried him. He grabbed Horns' hands and held them tight as he placed all his weight on the edge of the bed, hoping the movement would be enough.

It was. Horns' eyes flashed open immediately, his body flinching away as he took in the situation. He seemed to register the pain in his arms, as he tried to pull his hands from Callow's grasp.

"Don't." He said softly as Callow held one hand tight, his voice rough. "Please. I don't want to see."

"I just want to make sure you're alright." Callow replied, matching Horns' soft tone. "You don't have to look."

Horns frowned at him but relaxed his muscles anyway, turning to the side. The skin wasn't as rough as Callow thought it would be. It had clearly been scratched quite vigorously, the lines of scrapes clear, but where he'd been expecting multiple cracks, there were only about three. They'd heal overnight as long as they weren't scratched more, though he doubted they'd get that kind of reprieve given the current state of things.

"Alright." He pulled Horns' sleeve back up. "Alright, it's done. Sorry if I startled you by the way, I didn't think you'd want to sleep through whatever it was you were seeing."

"Thanks." Horns said. He pulled his knees to his chest under the covers, not making eye contact with Callow.

"So... how you doing?" The gator virus asked.

Horns eyes darted about, trying to grasp the right words. He couldn't.

Callow hummed. "Yeah I know that feeling. Need anything? Food? Jolly's hot cocoa?"

"No. I-I'm fine." Horns replied.

"You sure? You haven't eaten much lately."

"Not hungry." Horns mumbled.

"How about a shower then?" Callow offered. "You'll feel better after that."

"I'm fine." There was a bit more force in Horns' voice.

"Horns, come on-" Callow shut right up when Horns finally met his eye, a miserable look on his face. Callow nodded, the wordless communication coming through loud and clear. "Ok. I understand. When you need that, we're here."

"I know." Horns replied.

Callow sat back on the bed awkwardly, not sure what to do next and unwilling to just walk away. Horns laid back in the bed again, mind running a mile a minute. Finally, he let out a long sigh through his nose. "I know what it is."

"What what is?" Callow asked.

"What I did. To... Psi. Even before I looked it up, I knew he didn't faint at random. I knew I did it." Horns said, his voice dripping with self deprecation. "It's called a Mind Dive. It's a psychic thing, like Divination. There are multiple branches of Clairvoyance, this being one. You root around in people's mind to get your answers. You see what they don't want you to. And then they see what you see. I made him relive one of his worst memories, Cal. I made him relive the 99er project. They broke him. Broke. Him. And what did I do? I made him feel it all over again."

"You don't know that-"

"I don't? Viruses do not faint. Not without a pretty damn good reason. And I would say shock is a pretty fucking good reason. Face it," Horns pulled his blankets back over his head. "I'm a monster."

"No, you're not." Callow said, kneeling on the edge of the bed and ripping down the covers. "You are Horns Ask Khaos, alright? You are one of my best friends, and you are a member of Gamma-Psi. You will not hurt someone unless they truly, truly deserve it. Psi is not one of those people. This was an accident."

"An accident? Yeah?" Horns retorted, venom in his voice. He pushed himself into a sitting position, eyes glaring back at him, but dead inside. "Like the time I shoved a blade two inches into the same damn man's fucking face? Once is an accident, twice is a trend. I don't have any control, Cal. And with the abilities I have, if I'm not in control... I'm going to hurt people. Cal, I'm going to hurt a lot of people."

"Horns-"

"I could even hurt one of you guys." Horns continued. "What if I dove into your mind, Cal? I mean, we all hear you at night when you actually fall asleep. We've heard the nightmares. That's why you don't sleep. What if I could make them unavoidable? Any time of day, I could make you go through your worst nightmares. And I wouldn't be able to stop."

"I..." Callow faltered, the idea of his nightmares getting to him. "I don't know."

Horns sighed, rolling back onto his side facing away from Callow. "That's what I thought."

Callow stood, trying to get his labored breathing under control. Flashes of things that lurked in his dreams ran through his mind, taunting him. Haunting him. He shook himself to pull back into reality. Through heavy breaths, he said to Horns' back. "You. Are not. A monster. And you may not believe that now, but you will. No matter how much you try to pull away from us, distance yourself, close off, we are going to stick with you. We will make you understand that you are not broken, you just had a bad day. One day you'll believe us. And we will not stop until that day comes."

And with that, he walked away.

He shut the door behind him, closing his eyes against the crying he heard behind it lest he turn around again. Making his way to his own room, Callow pulled out his phone and called up a number that soothed him just by the name it went with.

“Hey babe.” Gamma's soft voice was the tipping point that finally calmed his breathing.

“Hey Gams.” He sighed

“That doesn't sound good.” Gamma said. “What happened?”

“I mean... like, nothing big, it's just....” Callow groaned. “God I didn't want to do this. Look, I don't think Glitch pushing herself to stay awake for way too long, or Jolly's denied hot cocoa offers are going to do shit for Horns. We need... we need him.”

“What?” Gamma almost shrieked out. “Now?”

“No, no, not right now.” Callow replied quickly. “Gamma, breathe, not right now.” He waited until he could hear an audible breath over the line. “When he's ready. I just think he's the only thing that's going to get through to Horns right now, even if it's half on shock.”

Gamma hummed. “It might take a bit.”

“That's fine.” Callow assured her.

“You're sure about this?”

“I mean-”

“Babe, you need to be sure. For both of them.”

“I'm sure.” Callow said. “If this doesn't work, I doubt much else will.”

“Alright.” Gamma replied. “I'll let you know as soon as possible.”

Callow flopped back on his bed in relief. “Thank you, Gams.”

“Don't thank me till it works.”

. . . . .

Horns was scrolling through something on his phone when he walked in, its light the only source of brightness in the room. He looked up at Psi apprehensively, eyes squinting from the phone screen. They were quickly blown wide at the realization of who stood before him, and Horns scrambled to turn on the light beside his bed.

Once they could both see, he simply stared up at Psi, his body braced to run if necessary.

"I know." Psi said.

"... beg pardon?" Horns replied awkwardly.

"It's a bitch, is it not?" Psi continued, pulling up one of the sleeves of his cardigan to reveal the scratches underneath. "This..."

Horns glanced down as his own arms, the scratches hidden but still painfully there. He didn't say anything. Psi looked... unraveled. He was never like this. It scared him.

"It hurts less now, though. Sometimes I barely feel it. The seeds underneath. The squirming." Psi said, though his hands had begun to rake at his arms in a way Horns knew too well. "But, I mean, it is fine, right? Looks cool, I guess."

Horns eyes darted around the room, watching warily as flowers began to sprout everywhere. Normally that was a good sign. He didn't think so right now.

Psi's breathing had gotten heavier. "No, it is fine! It is all fine! I am in control. It is... it is fucking everywhere- but I am in control. I am okay, I got this."

He suddenly collapsed on the edge of Horns' bed, making the satyr scramble back as far as he could, drawing the blankets close to him. Psi sat there, hunched over, while plants started to grow out of him. Horns could feel his shuddering from where he sat, the very movement getting him worked up as well. He knew he should help in some way, or at least get out of the way of this particular 99er, but fear held him in place. This was his fault.

"I am fine." Psi tried to convince himself while pulling at his hair, the action only serving to cause flowers to bloom around the locks.

"I am fine." The room was full of leaves and vines of all colours. All stemming from where he sat.

"I am fine." His form looked more like a forest creature than a virus now, branches having sprouted from his back.

"I am still here!" He nearly shouted. The petals all around them suddenly fell off. The branches started to retract. He stood. "I am still here. And nothing hurts me anymore."

He looked over to where Horns was, but Horns was gone. Or, rather, he was covered, having dived under the blankets as his own panic became too great. He'd barely been holding it together before, but seeing his own mentor breaking down, and seeing how the memory he read affected the man, was too much. His covered form shook with heavy tears and heavy breaths that fought to be deep enough to keep him going, but did not succeed.

Psi sighed, and moved to sit back on the bed, closer this time. He placed a hand on where he assumed Horns' shoulder was, keeping there even after the young virus flinched hard.

"Horns, please take a deep breath for me." He ordered calmly.

Horns tried to do so, the breath unstable and hiccuping. Psi nodded to himself.

"And another."

"And another."

They stayed like that for some time, until Psi felt Horns was in a calm enough state to continue. He pulled the covers down slowly, giving Horns time to stop him if needed, but Horns instead bolted upright, back to the same position as before, ready to run.

"I'm sorry." He said quickly. "You're the one who should be freaking out, not me. I'm sorry."

"You do not need to placate me." Psi replied. "This has no doubt been hard on you, as well."

"Yeah, but you're the one who had this shit happen to them." Horns argued. "You didn't need to relive that."

"It is not just something I repress until I cannot see it anymore." Psi said. "It is a memory, Horns. Everyone visits unpleasant memories now and then. Dive into mine all you want. As I said, nothing hurts me anymore."

Horns looked at him like he'd gone insane. "Are you fucking kidding me? I am not using that power ever again. Especially not on you."

"You think this is easy?" Psi shot back, growing a cactus out of his forearm. "It hurt so bad when I first did this." He shook his arm for emphasis, making Horns flinch. "Now? Nothing. It is control. You control what you do with your powers. Especially with powers of the mind. You see what you want to see."

"I did... that to you. I've never seen you like that before..." Horns replied shakily, voice barely above a whisper but with the force of a shout. "How am I going to be able to control it? I couldn't even stop it when I desperately wanted to."

"One bad experience does not a career make. You get better with practice." Psi argued.

Horns sighed, letting his world sink in out of respect, and out of the small part of him that knew Psi was right. He closed his eyes against the world. "I'm sorry. Really sorry. If I could have controlled it, I never would have made you go through that... uh, again, I mean."

"I go through it all the time." Psi scoffed. "When I am alone, when I am in a mood. And every time. In full detail. Because my mind is a mess. I would hardly consider this your fault. You found a door and you peeked inside. Hardly the first time it has happened."

"I'm still sorry you have to go through that." Horns said, his fight or flight stance finally relaxing. "And I'm always going to be sorry that I hurt you... again."

"I have had worse. You have seen that." Psi shrugged. "But I do need you to know something. That one bad memory; it is just one. I have made way better memories since then. We all have. One bad memory cannot change who you are. It has no power over you. Despite what it looks like, I am still as much of a pain in the ass as I was back then. It is one bad experience. Just one."

Horns let himself give a slight smirk. "Well, technically we've had two now. With the whole... knife to the face thing- nevermind. I... hear you. I'm still sorry but I do hear you."

"Oh please like that is the first time I have been stabbed in the face-" Psi caught himself, realizing a tour of all the fights he'd been in was probably the last thing Horns needed. "Well... nevermind. Just do not give up on yourself yet. I have seen that potential. It is waiting to be used. I would hate to see you break down because of a mistake. Albeit an... interesting mistake, but just a mistake nonetheless. I do not expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to try."

"Okay...." Horns agreed, nodding his head but staring at his sheets.

Psi just pat him on the head, letting the room fall silent for a time

"Oh thank god you made up!" A very short time, as a certain sunny readhead came in to break the mood. "Bitch, I cannot handle the stress in this house!"

"Sammy..." Psi sighed.

"Sammy!" Horns greeted, feeling a rush of happiness only Sampi could have caused.

Sampi grinned at the less depressed greeting. "My baby is okay!"

"He is not your baby, Sammy." Psi deadpanned.

"Oh, that's right! He's your baby."

"He is not my baby either!"

"Hug your baby, Psivy."

"No."

"Hug the baby!"

"No!"

Sammy instead went to hug Horns. "It's okay. Daddy is rude and won't hug you, but I will."

"Do not call me daddy!"

"Can I call you daddy?" Glitch asked from the doorway.

"At the risk of your own life, I would not advise it." Psi shot back with a glare while Sampi started to rock Horns in a hug behind them.

"She's gonna do it now." Callow cut in, his head above Glitch's peeking around the doorframe. "You know that, right?"

"I really think you shouldn't." Gamma advocated, her head somehow at the bottom of the group.

"How about we don't torture Plant Dad?" Jolly agreed from the top of the group.

"Yes. Please. Thank you, Jolly, Gamma." Psi said.

Peony, from the middle of the pack, was the one to break formation and walk in to the room. "So how we doing?"

Horns looked up to meet her intense eye contact. "Better."

"So how does it work?"

"Gigi!"

"What? I'm curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know."

"Bitch, you can try."

"To be perfectly honest." Horns gave a wry laugh. "I have no fucking clue."

"I wanna see you do it."

"Gigi!"

"What, right now?" Horns asked, balking at the idea for a moment before Sampi's powers calmed him.

"Yeah!" Glitch was practically jumping on the spot. With a less than pleased Jolly behind her.

"You do not have to." Psi countered.

Horns thought on it for a moment. Maybe it was Sampi's powers talking, or maybe it was the emotional exhaustion, but he thought he could do it. He turned to Psi. "Nothing hurts you?"

"Nothing." Psi confirmed with a curt nod and a smile.

"Okay..." Horns let out a shaky sigh. He lunged towards Psi, wrapping him in a tight hug as he shut his eyes tight, focusing on the sensation that caused this whole mess.

. . . . .

Everything was warm and soft. Horns felt himself lying in a foreign bed, but this time he tried to distance himself from what he saw.

Psi and Sampi lay together in bed. It was late, neither of them sure of the hour but not caring either. Psi had his arms around Sammy, holding him close.

“So I was talking to Gamma...” Sampi started, his voice rough but quiet.

Psi hummed his acknowledgment, letting Sampi continue.

“She said she was considering adding another mentor to her team like Theta did.” Sampi continued.

“Yes, she told me too.” Psi replied.

Sampi rolled to face him. “So are you gonna join?”

“I would ask how you knew, but-”

“I always know.” Sampi finished for him. “So?”

“I am considering it.” Psi said.

“Well I think you'd be great at it.” Sampi murmured, tucking his head under Psi's chin, his breath ghosting down his partner's bare chest.

“You literally just want me to do it so you can faun over the kids.” Psi retorted, scratching lightly at Sammy's scalp.

“Well I don't see you giving me any kids yet.” The redhead shot back.

“Sammy-”

“I'm not getting any younger, Psivy.”

“Sam-”

“My fatherly instincts aren't going to last forever.”

“Oh my god.” Psi rolled on to his back, facepalming hard.

“So?” Sampi sat up, leaning over Psi with his hands pressing into the hot doctor's stomach.

Psi let his hand fall to his side, opening his eyes to smile up at Sampi. “Well how can I say no now when you have gotten yourself all excited?”

Sampi grinned back at him, pouncing on top of Psi and wrapping them up both in a hug, and the sheets.

. . . . .

Horns let the memory stop there. As he came out of it and pulled away, Psi smiled down at him. He inclined his head to where Sampi and Gamma waited with bated breath. “They are my good memories. All 98 of them.”

“And they're mine.” Horns looked towards his team.

“And this team will never be something I regret.” Psi gave him a pointed look. “All of it.”

Horns looked down and gave a wry shake of his head. “Okay, I get it now.”

“Good.” Psi said. “The rest, we will work through. I am confident you can get a handle on this.”

“And they'll help me through it.” Horns winked at his team, eyes moist again but this time for the right reasons.

So... yeah... that happened. The only thing that’s not actually confirmed canon is Psi’s happy memory, because I didn’t actually know how Psi came to the decision to join the team, and I didn’t want to nag Larka AGAIN for more info after she basically RPed that confrontation scene between Psi and Horns with me, and gave me a ton of info on Mind Dives, and explained how this that and the other thing would go and how it would change based on this that or the other thing, and also actually discussed the 99er project with me and, y’know it just seemed like she’d given me enough, lol. But Horns’ Mind Dive capabilities are canon. He’s always had minor prophetic abilities, mostly just strong intuition, never actual visions, and this is just a new skill that’s come from that. If you didn’t notice... another 99er we’ve heard from recently has the same ability just a shitton stronger...

If you have any questions, let me know!!!

[turnabouttoothbrush]

Reckoning, Chapter Seven

(We open up in our sporking theatre on this, Christmas Eve.)

Aziz: What gives? Don’t we usually do something... special for Christmas? Instead we’re just doing a plain update of this shitty KH edgefic.

Silverpelt: This is the “something special”. We’re updating.

Aziz: Updating shouldn’t be something special... it should just be a routine thing...

Silverpelt: We’re busy. Whatever. Also, why do anything special for Christmas? Seriously, it’s just--

Aziz: Yes, yes, we know, Saturnalia was more fun and then those darn Roman missionaries ruined it.

Silverpelt: Screw you. Pagans knew how to party. The Romans knew that!

I sighed, lying down on Axel's bed. I'd been sleeping on the couch Zexion and Demyx were now sitting, and probably making out or something on. The bed's softness really surprised me; like I said, it'd been a while, and it was way better than the sofa. I turned on my side, inhaling deeply, surprised to find that the sheets smelled like Axel. It reminded me of autumn. Wait; when had I even noticed that Axel had a scent..? I wondered briefly before starting to drift off to sleep.

I'd only just closed my eyes when I felt a blanket be pulled on top of me. I knew who it was immediately, and quickly opened my eyes, seeing a very surprised red-head.

"Roxas, I'm sorry, did I wake you up..?" He asked.

I shook my head, saying no, before sitting up and pulling him into a tight hug. He really was excessively skinny, not that I minded; it just concerned me a little. "What did I do to deserve this?" the red-head asked, laughing lightly before hugging me back. "Did you miss me?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. I was glad to hear his laugh again.

I looked up at him just in time to see him smiling before he rested his chin on the top of my head. "I missed you too," he said.

Silverpelt: This is still bad form.

"Hey, Roxas," Axel said, when he'd finally gotten out of my grip, "I got you some clothes while I was away," he said, handing me a large bag. "Sorry if they're in the wrong size."

Aziz: *as Axel* The store didn’t carry “animé waif” size specifically.

"Axel, you didn't have to…" I started.

"I wanted to, Roxas," Axel interrupted, sitting next to me on the bed. "We can go shopping for you sometime if you want to too."

"Thanks…" I said,

Aziz: No point in turning down a sugar daddy, after all.

Silverpelt: I tend to think dignity and self-respect take priority here...

Aziz: Pfft. >implying

opening the bag, pulling out some shirts, a white hoodie, much like the one I'd been wearing when Axel'd first seen me, some pants, all close in size, he'd probably guessed on my size, and a black hooded leather jacket, with gloves, that was trenchcoat-like. I'd seen other members of the gang wear it while Demyx and I had been hanging out.

"Axel… how much did you spend on me?" I asked, wanting to protest about how much he'd been buying me; first the ice cream, now this.

Aziz: Though (apparently) normal clothes and friggin’ ice cream is, like, Splenda daddy material at best.

Silverpelt: Okay.

He'd said he'd wanted to.. but did he really?

Silverpelt: Why else we he do it? Unless he just wants something from you. But there’s still a ‘want’ in there somewhere.

He seemed sincere about it…

"What's wrong Roxas? Did I upset you by buying you stuff?" Axel asked innocently while at the same time avoiding answering as I sat there staring at the clothes for a few minutes. I shook my head no.

"Never mind…" I said, deciding to let it go and making him brighten. "Thank you, Axel," I said smiling at him before leaning against him. He smelled just like his sheets I noticed.

Silverpelt: Wash your sheets dammit

I didn't pull away when he slipped his arm around me; for some reason it felt right. I'd missed him so much over the past two weeks…

Aziz: I’m pretty sure that if you don’t count the two weeks he wasn’t actually around, you haven’t known him for two weeks.

Silverpelt: It’s twu wub, Aziz. Timeframes don’t matter.

"I heard that you did really well with learning how to fight," Axel said. "Good job," he said, pulling me a little closer. I reached over, grasping his free hand, looking up at him.

"Axel..." I said sternly, wanting to question him about losing weight but stopped when he hurriedly pulled away. Judging by the look on his face and immediate removal of his arm, I knew that he'd thought that I didn't like what he'd been doing. "No… don't, come back," I said.

Aziz:

Axel put his arm back around me. "You don't mind?" he asked, pulling the hand I was holding away when I shook my head no and raising it to my cheek, rubbing his thumb along my jaw line.

Silverpelt: If his hand’s on his cheek, how’s he rubbing his thumb along his jawline? His thumb’s gonna be closer to his eye.

Aziz: Did it say it was the thumb on the same hand?

Silverpelt: No, I suppose it didn’t.

He leaned a little closer to me, stopping when I flinched. "Yes you do," he said chuckling softly, starting to pull away again. He stopped when I reached up and gripped the back of his neck. "Roxas?" he asked, looking surprised when I pulled him closer.

"We'll see," I said when we were only inches apart.

Silverpelt: As much as we rail on Axel for not giving Roxas space and time to recover: Roxas, dude, give yourself some space and time to recover.

Aziz: Self-care is dismantling the fourth wall and using the empty space to escape the fic.

"What do you mean?" Axel asked coolly. I could feel his breath on my lips. It was making me nervous, scared, and a little… excited?

"Kiss me," I said softly.

"…Roxas…" he said uncertainly.

"Don't you want to?" I asked.

"Of course I do, Roxas," Axel said, "I want to every time I see you, but…"

Aziz: *as Axel* I’ve wrenched enough control back from the author to get some common sense back, and... I think this might not be a good idea...

Silverpelt: *also as Axel* Or even particularly in-character, for either of us...

"Just try it," I whispered, pulling him a little closer.

Axel hesitated for a second before he catching my lips for the second time in a kiss even more perfect than the first. Apprehensively I opened my mouth, allowing his tongue to slip inside, shivering a little at the contact. When I didn't pull away, he gripped me more tightly and kept going, delving deeper into my mouth, successfully urging me participate. I trembled against him, weaving my hands into his fiery hair when his tongue slowly brushed against mine. It effectively made me forgot about everything except for him, and I gave in to what felt right at that moment, doing what I wanted. I gripped his hair, obviously surprising him and pushing my way into his mouth. I used his surprise to my advantage and dominated for a few seconds until he easily regained control, making me tremble and moan into his mouth before pushing me down.

Silverpelt: It’s just a kiss. You’re not actually having full-blown sex, so don’t describe it like that...

My back met with his bed and he straddled me, making me freeze immediately before shaking and struggling violently as the action brought the bad memories back. I saw visions of Vexen on top of me in a similar manner, my wrists bound in handcuffs, a knife slicing my arm open, his creepy smile working its way across his face… him forcing his way inside of me… then the horrible screams…

Silverpelt: *sighs, rolls eyes*

Aziz:

Axel quickly pulled away from me when I cried out, getting off and pulling me, still thrashing, into a hug. "I'm so sorry," he said, rocking me gently. I started to cry when I heard his voice; what would he think about me for doing that? Would he hate me for it?

Silverpelt: I realize this is supposed to be the PTSD or whatever talking but honestly the author never makes any kind of actual indication of that. Roxas is just absurdly sensitive about WHAT IF AXEL HATES ME NOW FOR BULLSHIT REASONS?

"I went too fast, you're not ready… please forgive me… I'm sorry." Axel kept apologizing until I'd calmed down and weakly hugged him back.

"It wasn't your fault Axel," I said, hating myself for not being able to forget and move on.

"Yes it was; I went too fast and triggered bad memories for you didn't I?" Axel asked.

Silverpelt: But I guess I can give the author props for, uh... actually understanding what a trigger is? I dunno, most fanfic authors seem to have a decent grasp on this even if it’s the only PTSD symptom they ever use (well, that and nightmares) and it only ever comes up when it’d be suitably dramatic to do so.

Aziz: Not everyone turns their fics into 350k+ word treatises on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Silverpelt: Shhhhh.

I stared up at him, biting my lower lip. "How did you…?" I asked, stopping when he raised a hand to my cheek and wiped away my tears with his thumb.

"You can't come away from being raped for years and be fine two weeks later," he said softly,

Aziz: Speaking of 350k+ word treatises on unhealthy coping mechanisms...

Silverpelt: I said shhh! Not all of our readers here also follow us on AO3!

Aziz: I know! That’s why I posted a link.

"I knew something was going on. You just confirmed what."

"Axel," I whispered, when he held me close again, feeling guilty, "I'm so sorry."

"Shh, Roxas," Axel murmured, "don't apologize. If this is anyone's fault, it's Vexen and whoever else wronged you, but it's not yours. It will never will be your fault."

Silverpelt: Don’t act like you know what’s going on here when you, a 23-year-old, insist on dating a 16-year-old. Oh and don’t forget all the gang stuff, too.

"Axel…" I said, pushing away so I could look into his eyes. I wanted to give him an answer to his question; to tell him that I'd go out with him even though I was still really confused, 

Aziz: That’s not a good time to go out with someone. lol

before I chickened out, "I…"

His phone rang before I could say anything and he answered it, turning away from me. I was a little hurt when he ignored me for his phone and watched him closely to see what was happening. He sounded happy about whatever news he was hearing and talked for quite a while. By the time he'd finally hung up and his attention had returned to me, I wasn't sure if I should say anything anymore.

Aziz: *as Roxas* After all, if a gang leader with multiple subordinates constantly getting into dangerous situations at his behest who really, really needs to stay at the cutting edge of the city’s street politics can’t ignore a potentially important phone call in favor of giving me his undivided attention at all times and never allowing himself to be distracted... why even bother with him?

"Sorry Roxas, what were you going to say?" Axel asked.

"I'll tell you later, I promise," I said.

Silverpelt: I’m just glad this fic has no mpreg in it.

Aziz: Doesn’t it have two sequels?

"Hey, Axel, what was your phone call about?" I asked later. He'd ordered pizza and he, Zexion, Demyx and I were eating.

"Siax; he got out of the hospital and is doing well," He said, taking another bite of pizza.

Aziz: ...why’s he the one getting a call about that...?

Silverpelt: Maybe it wasn’t the hospital themselves who called him. Might’ve even be Saïx - sorry, Siax - himself calling.

Aziz: In that case, how’d he get his number?

I wasn't really worried about Axel not eating or starving himself anymore; he'd already eaten half a pizza and was still going. Maybe him being so thin was just a weird coincidence.

Aziz: I’d make a bad joke about burning off all that food, but meh... effort....

"That's great," I said excitedly.

"Who's Siax?" Demyx asked.

Silverpelt: We just don’t know.

"A friend," Axel said, promptly changing the subject. "Are you two all set for tomorrow?" Axel asked, indicating Demyx and Zexion.

"You bet," said Demyx , nodding his head.

"Set for what?" I asked

"Just some gang business," Axel said.

"Is it dangerous?" I asked.

Silverpelt: *as Demyx* Naw, it’s just a drive-by. More dangerous for everyone who happens to be standing within fifty feet of our target than anything else.

"No, it should be really easy and fun and.." Demyx started

Aziz: “...and we might even get it done before the local school lets out this time! Nine-year-olds as collateral damage makes us look kind of lame.”

but stopped when Axel glared at him warningly.

"Can I go too?" I asked.

"No," Axel said flatly. It was the first time he'd ever tried to stop me from doing something.

Silverpelt: How dare he.

Aziz: Again, he hasn’t really known him that long...

"What? Why, Axel?" I asked.

"What if something happens to you? What if you get hurt, Roxas?" Axel said.

Aziz: *as Axel* I mean, Demyx and Zexion are expendable, but you? You’re gonna be sucking my dick by the end of the week, I don’t wanna miss out on that!

"But I'll be careful, and Zexion and Demyx will be there," I said, protesting.

"No," Axel said.

Silverpelt: Not to be That Guy, but - if you didn’t want him to go, why bring it up in front of him at all? That wasn’t necessary.

Aziz: Is anything in this fic?

Silverpelt: No.

Aziz: Exactly. Anyway, he had to “advance” the “plot”, so...

"Pleaseeee," I said, "I'll be really careful and…"

Axel sighed audibly. "Fine, Roxas," He said, looking irritable until I hugged him as Zexion and Demyx snickered at him. "One condition though," he said, "if anything happens to you, you're quitting the gang."

Aziz: You know, if you’re still alive.

"Axel, that's not fair," I said, pouting.

"Sorry sweetie, I'm in charge so I have the final say." Axel said.

Silverpelt: Then why the fuck did you let him join your STREET GANG in the first place

I dressed in my new black coat Axel'd gotten me, which surprisingly fit well, before meeting up with Zexion and Demyx the next day. I was still pouting and angry with Axel, glad I hadn't answered him yesterday. It was probably better that I hadn't said anything; he probably wouldn't have let me go at all if we were dating if he was this protective now.

Silverpelt: And this isn’t considered a red flag because...?

Aziz: Why does he think Axel’s behavior would change any? He already acts like they’re dating.

Silverpelt: Plus, why’s he so angry about Axel telling him he has to quit the gang if anything happens to him? Does he know what can happen to him? He’d be lucky if it was Axel making him quit the gang, instead of a life-changing injury. Or death.

Aziz: Silverpelt, this author really doesn’t know what a gang is. You know that.

"Aww, cheer up Roxas," Demyx said hitting my arm playfully, "Axel's just worried about you and wants to protect you."

"Yeah.. sure," I said, sulking. "What're we doing anyway?" I asked. I'd been so excited to get to do something that, up until now, I hadn't cared what it was.

"We're going to be part of an ambush to eliminate another gang.

Aziz: AND YOU THOUGHT WE WERE KIDDING ABOUT THE DRIVE-BY JOKES

Silverpelt: We were, because them doing a drive-by actually implies there’re any brains behind this operation.

They're making a drug trade with some guy today and we're going to their meeting place," Zexion explained as we continued to walk toward our destination.

I nodded my head, understanding. It did sound like fun. All I had to do was avoid getting hurt and maybe Axel would let me do more stuff…

Silverpelt: “All I had to do was avoid getting hurt and maybe Axel would let me kill more people...”

Aziz: Really? This guy’s life is completely, unequivocally ruined by drugs, and he has absolutely no reaction to hearing that they’re going to present at an active drug deal?

Silverpelt: No, he has a reaction. Thinking that killing the people engaging in said deal would be fun.

Aziz: Ha. He’d think that even if drugs weren’t involved at all and you know it.

We arrived, surveying the scene but doing nothing but wait in the shadows.

Silverpelt: *sighs*

"What are we waiting for, Dem?" I whispered.

"The guy hasn't arrived yet," Demyx whispered, "He's going to be the distraction before we move." I nodded in understanding again.

"Are we just going to wait when he arrives?" I asked.

"Yeah," Demyx started…

Aziz: *as Demyx* Holy shit, you’re really eager to hit these guys, aren’t you?

Silverpelt: *as Roxas* Bloodshed is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

"Hey what the hell are you kids doing here?" came a loud voice from behind us. I froze. I knew that voice all too well.

Aziz:  It was...........Du--

Silverpelt: Don’t.

"Shit," Demyx cursed under his breath, only loud enough for us to hear, looking behind us. "It's the guy."

There was a brief silence before Zexion spoke up. "Uhh, nothing, we were just hanging out," Zexion lied.

Silverpelt: This is, bar none, the most pathetic gang I’ve ever seen.

"Well get the hell out of here," He snapped. I remained frozen.

"What're you doing, Rox?" Demyx whispered gripping my arm, as I began to shake, "Let's go."

"Roxas?" The voice asked in disbelief when he heard Demyx say 'Rox'. I heard the familiar sound of the safety being clicked off of a gun. "Get up and turn around blondie. Now." He was going to make sure it was me.

Aziz: Gee, if only this one guy with a gun weren’t currently trying to threaten two guys also with guns or anything.

Silverpelt: Two guys who presumably aren’t tweaking out and wrecking their aims right now, too.

I slowly stood, turning to face the man. He looked like complete hell. His eyes were bloodshot, hair a tangled mess, and it didn't look like he'd changed his clothes or showered in a week or so. I shuddered at the look that came across his face when he saw that it was me.

"Get away from my son," he demanded, pointing the gun at Demyx and Zexion. I saw their eyes widen at those words.

"Not a chance," Demyx said, standing in front of me protectively,

Silverpelt: ...with his gun out, right?

"We won't let you touch Roxas!" Wow, Demyx could really be brave, I thought, impressed.

Silverpelt: Right?

Aziz: Isn’t Roxas supposed to be busy panicking right now? Does he ever feel normal human emotions in this fic?

The gun went off and Demyx fell to the ground.

Silverpelt: So... I take it he didn’t have his gun out... he did bring it, right?

Aziz: What was it you said about this operation not having any brains behind it?

"S-stop it!" I yelled as he aimed the gun at Demyx, who was obvoiously in pain, again. This time he was going to shoot the blonde in the head.

"Fine," He said calmly, still pointing the gun at Demyx, "but only if you come with me. Now."

"Roxas, no!" Zexion yelled at me as I began to walk toward my father. I'd never seen any expression on Zexion's face before, but now pure anger and hatred was written all over it.

Silverpelt: And where’s your gun?

Aziz: They left them in the car.

All of it was directed at the man who was now pointing a gun at him for speaking.

I ignored Zexion and continued walking up to my dad, stopping only inches from him.

"Roxas," he said, smirking at me as I looked at him fearfully. "I'm glad you're here; I was just beginning to wonder what I'd have to do to get drugs."

Aziz: Obviously the correct answer was “Cut a deal with son’s new gang leader boyfriend”. I’m sure Axel wouldn’t have any problems with purchasing Roxas from Lexaeus with drugs, just like Vexen did paying Lexaeus in drugs to fuck off.

My eyes widened and I took a step pack. He immediately grabbed my arm forcefully before hitting me across the face so hard that I saw the world spin. I vaguely heard Zexion shout my name when dad pulled me closer and punched me in the stomach, making me wretch and collapse just as the world started to go black.

Silverpelt: *cupping paws around mouth* Zexion you bloody idiot, SHOOT HIM!

Aziz: They left the guns in the car, remember? They were in there because they were gonna just do a drive-by, but walking is better for your health and the environment.

Silverpelt: I dislike this fic, Aziz. Everyone in it is so stupid.

Aziz: It’s the only thing driving the plot, Silverpelt.

Silverpelt: Yes. Yes it is. And that’s what we call bad writing.

To be continued!