#im doing the thing that is the final nail in the coffin for my relationship with family

[milkolya]

i just had a gender followup too hkskgkdk "so how has the first month on T been?" well miss doctor its been Not Great. its been Exceptionally Bad actually. yall shouldve seen how wide her eyes got as i ran through my List of Things That Have Happened

[buuniebaby]

being long distance with hamzah until 4 months into dating you visit him in Canada where you get to spend ur first night together and can finally touch him. hamzah being so pent up after not being able to touch his pretty gf that when he finally gets to he can’t hold back:((

BREAKING THE DISTANCE 🎀

includes: long distance rls, rough sex, reader is on birth control, creampie

thank yew guys for all the love on my recent works mwahhhh 💝

you’re entirely enamored with hamzah - that’s the long and short of it.

it’s why sitting in an uber, anxiously bouncing your leg up and down, waiting impatiently to finally see him in person for the first time is so scary.

you know in your head that seeing hamzah for the first time isn’t something you should even really be scared about. hell - you’ve seen all of him, and vice versa. you’ve been dreaming of this domestic life with him throughout your whole relationship; finally being able to sleep in the same bed, kiss his pretty face, and have him wrap his arms around you while you cook. you craved it, and being around him would be the only thing to make the ache settle.

but it’s still scary.

the biggest nail in the coffin is when you’re standing in front of his door, anxiously bringing your hand to knock.

when you get no response back for a few seconds, you panic. could you have gotten the wrong address? maybe you didn’t knock hard enough.. but what if he heard, and knocking twice makes you look wayy too desperate-

blood runs to your cheeks as your thoughts are immediately cut off, watching as the door slowly creaks open.

god, he looks so much better in person.

all you can do is stare for a second. he has an awkward smile on his face - it’s cute. his curls fall on his forehead messily, but it suits him. the tshirt he’s wearing loosely fits over him, but still accentuates the overall shape of him. not to mention his muscular arms and legs - you can nearly feel yourself drool at the inseam shorts he’s wearing, showing off his thighs.

“sorry uh- im not really dressed up for you- but holy shit. you’re here. like actually.” he rambles, not knowing how hot he looks.

“no.. you look good like this.” you respond back, sly, eyeing him up and down. he smirks back at you - he knows what you want.

“why don’t you come in then?” he asks, pulling you through the door by your hips before you can give him a response.

by the moment the door closes behind you, he’s all over you. he pulls you into a kiss; your first together. its passionate, full of desperation, just like you thought it would be. that craving has finally filled itself - it’s there when you realize this is all you’ve ever wanted.

“you’re here.” hamzah whispers. eyes closing, he rests his forehead on yours. “you’re really here.”

you melt at his words. knowing the way that sense desperation is shared between the two of you makes your heart warm; you’re holding yourself back from doing something stupid like pinching his cheeks. you’re so deep in love for that boy, and seeing him is only making you more insane.

he finally pulls away, holding your hands as he eyes you up and down. you can see his mind’s tone change right before your eyes when he focuses on certain parts of your body.

before you know it you’re kissing again and hamzah’s hands are trailing across your body. there’s a hand on your hip, fumbling it’s fingers with the soft flesh on your tummy. the feeling of him groping your body is like a dream coming true, something you’ve been yearning for.

keeping you in his hold, hamzah maneuvers you to his couch, pushing you down so you land back-first onto the cushion. he kisses you for a second, lips crashing upon yours, but they soon slow. he pulls away, a questioning look upon his face.

“you sure you wanna do this like- right here? I have a room for you, with like, a bed and stuff.” he utters, breathless from kissing. you giggle, facing him from underneath, the weight of his toned body holding you down. you think about it for a minute, then smirk to yourself as an idea forms in your head.

“can we do it in your bed? the one you’re always in during facetimes.” is what you softly mutter back. a blush creeps onto hamzah’s face at your mention of the facetimes between you two. he knows exactly what you’re talking about - the same bed where he always strokes himself or humps his pillow while he thinks of you.

“yeah- yeah, that would be good.” you watch him shyly move his head to the side, avoiding eye contact as thoughts of you form in his head. with that, he lifts you into his hands, manhandling you into a bridal carry.

you’re being thrown into his bed as soon as you know it, landing softly on the fluffy sheets. to the side is the pillow, the one you’ve watched him cum all over, and on the dresser lays a pair of panties you had mailed to him.

he crawls on top of you, but still not close enough to kiss your face. he starts lower, placing soft, gentle kisses on your lower stomach.

“s’pretty,” he mumbles, entranced by you. “wanted this for so long.”

he hooks his finger in the garment covering what’s below your stomach, slowly pulling it down to reveal to him what he’s really been waiting for.

“such a pretty pussy, baby.” he says, fingers just every-so-slightly trailing across your clit. he spreads the lips open, sinking in face-first without a second thought.

you respond instantaneously as he kisses and sucks at your pussy, a loud gasp coming from your mouth as your hips buck up into his. your hands are in his hair, pulling at him like you could lose him if you don’t grip hard enough. your soft thighs clench around his face, essentially straddling his head. he wraps his arms around them softly, but you know that if you struggled his hold would be a lot harder.

you let out a strangled gasp as he presses a finger inside of you, and fuck, they’re big.

“you okay?” hamzah murmurs, pressing a kiss to your inner thigh.

“yeah, keep going. they’re just big- bigger than mine.” you reply, eliciting a giggle from hamzah. you nearly laugh in return, but not before he dives back into your pussy, eating you out while his finger is inside you.

eventually one finger becomes two, and your legs are starting to feel like jello. he’s eating you out like it’s his last meal before the death penalty, and you’re using every bone in your body to keep yourself from cumming.

“hamzah- hamzah stop- fuck-“ you say, pulling him by the curls so he’s no longer latched onto your clit. he looks up on you, big brown eyes and all, a concerned expression on his face.

“wanna-“ you start, still catching your breath. “wanna get fucked by you- don’t wanna cum yet.” is all the words you can get out. hamzah smiles, no longer any concern in his mind.

“well, you should’ve just said something, baby.” he replies, hands already maneuvering you onto his lap. his boner is obvious, bulging against you. by instinct, you begin to rock your hips. your palms are dead set on hamzah’s shoulders, using them to keep you stable.

his lips attach to your neck, sucking on you like a vampire. his rough fingers dig into your waist, guiding you as you grind on his clothed cock.

���baby,” groans hamzah, tilting your neck just a slight bit more to the right for easier access. the roll of your hips speeds up, hamzah’s head going back as he moans. he kisses you again, on the lips this time; it’s soft. it’s more of an appreciative kiss, one he’s been waiting to do since he first met you online.

the two of you part, a string of saliva keeping you connected. he stops you for a second, as if he’s remembered something.

“you’re still on birth control- right?”

your mind immediately races back to your sexual conversations with hamzah - all his fantasies about hitting it raw, cumming inside of you..

“yeah, of course.” you reply back.

whatever he’s about to do to you, you’re excited for.

“so like.. no condom?” hamzah looks down at you, practically pleading.

“only because it’s you.” you reply, semi-sarcastically.

hamzah is already getting down to work, boxers thrown off, landing somewhere in the messiness of his room. he promised himself he would clean it for you - and he did !! a little.

hamzah realizes he’s spacing out and immediately refocuses back on you, only to see that you’ve already undressed just like him. he’s already painfully hard, but he feels himself grow at the sight of your body all laid out for him.

“holy shit,” he swears, under his breath. “you look so.. pretty.”

“yeah?” you smile, flushing red.

“yeah.” he mutters, pulling you back into his lap, small legs straddling thick, tan hips. “always wondered what you would look like, like this. just for me.”

“live up to your expectations?” you ask, playfully.

“so much better.” he replies back, wrapping his arms around you.

you’re teasing him - your pussy slides over the tip of his cock, but it’s nowhere near actually entering. he lets out a strangled moan, desperately trying to get himself together so he can finally put it in.

once he finally gathers his composure, he lines himself up below your hole. slowly but surely, he presses into you, making sure you don’t get hurt. you gasp at the way he fills you perfectly, fingers grasping onto the big arms that keep you balanced. when his hips finally press against yours, you two just sit there for a second, and it sinks in:

you’re finally together.

you whisper from above his shoulder a soft “you can move, im okay,” and he doesn’t need to be told twice. there’s a long drag of his hips, and then he’s slamming into you.

you’re tight- hamzah can feel it every time your hips come down on his cock. if he knew you were gonna feel this fucking good, hell, he would’ve booked you that flight a million times sooner. being inside you has brought upon a hazy sensation he’s never felt before. the feeling makes him buck his hips up into you, more desperate than before.

“fuck- ah- hamzah!” is all you can say when the thrust of his hips gets faster. “h-hold on, baby-“

“needed you,” is all hamzah says back. “so fucking bad..”

your hands bawl into fists as you grip hamzah for dear life, letting him thrust into you rapidly as if you’re a toy. he shifts so that his feet lay on the mattress, allowing him to thrust even deeper. the feeling is killing you.

a groan rips from his throat, no - a growl. it’s dirty, passionate, but god, it’s hot. he’s needy, pinning you to his chest as he thrusts up into you. taking what’s rightfully his.

“don’t stop- please” you mewl, feeling yourself clench around him. you’re getting close. hamzah is only urged to go faster by this - he couldn’t even think of stopping. his vision is blurring, clouded by euphoria. he can only picture you in front of him, desperately moaning on his cock. his. cock. that’s what you are - his.

“want you to cum- fuck.” he says, broken moans cutting him off. “around my cock, wanna feel it.”

your half-spoken curses fill the air as your hips grind against him. you’re needy, ready to cum, and the feeling is killing you. before you know it, you’re arching your back, bending your body to impossible lengths, and screaming loud enough hamzah thinks you might get a noise complaint.

hamzah isn’t far behind - especially after seeing how fucking pretty you look while cumming. it’s enough to push him off the edge, hands gripping your waist as he paints your insides white. he kisses you deep, moans muffled behind his lips. the grip he has on you is so strong, it could break you.

he catches his breath, feeling the shake of your legs from his lap.

“wanted this for so long, you don’t even know.” he says. he’s staring at you with heart eyes, fully in love.

“me too.” you reply, satisfied. “really bad.”

you get up, walking on trembling legs, doing that awkward walk trying to prevent the cum from dripping out of you. hamzah sees this and stops you, getting up instead.

“stay here. ill clean you up.” he says, giving you a kiss on the forehead and tucking you into his bed.

as he’s walking out the door, he turns around like he forgot something.

“you want water? or nah.”

[jesterwriting]

Hi Jester!! Hope you’re having a good day 💞 I absolutely love your work !! Your writings style and how you write the op boys.. my heart 🫶

If you’re taking requests, is it okay to ask a confession scenario from Law and Sanji, to a reader who’s never been in a relationship before?? They kinda freak out, after hearing the boys like them, only cuz they like them back but don’t wanna mess up?

Wishing you a good day- and thank you!! Stay awesome <3

pairing: sanji x reader & law x reader (separate)

contents: fluff, idiots in love, confessions, humor, nonbinary reader in sanji’s, gender neutral reader in law’s, reader is short in laws, everyone in this is so stupid, did i say idiots in love yet

word count: 2.4k words

note: AWWW HI im so glad you like my stuff hehe. okay so i got WHOLLY carried away with this request. like totally got carried away, though, i had an absolute blast writing this and hope you enjoy it too<33 idiots in love is my absolute favorite trope if you couldn't tell.

playlist: moscow - autoheart

Black Leg Sanji

It wasn’t obvious at first.

Sanji treated you the same as anyone else, always feeding you when you were hungry or offering a pleasant word when you shared the same space together. Sure, he didn’t fawn over you like he did the ladies, and he certainly didn’t treat you as roughly as he did Zoro, but the two of you had your own rapport. Sanji was nice to you, you were nice to him. That was all there was to it. While it was no secret — at least not to the observant eyes of Nami and Robin — that you wanted a little bit more from the flirtatious cook, you were happy with what you got. There was no reason to ruin a good thing with childish feelings, especially not when you were so inexperienced with them.

What you had was fine. It was good even, you supposed.

That was until Sanji started treating you differently.

It happened almost overnight. The camaraderie you shared with him grew into something entirely new. You weren’t sure what to do about it. When you woke up that fateful morning, Sanji seemed distant, though he wouldn’t stop staring at you with the most bewildered expression you had ever seen. Instead of setting a plate down in front of Nami or Robin first, he placed a breakfast platter right under your nose, a rosy blush staining his cheeks. The final nail in the coffin was the shaky compliment you got from him as you left the room.

“You look positively ravishing today, Y/N.”

You froze in place, fingers curled around the doorknob. When you turned, Sanji blinked at you a few times, lips parted as if he wasn’t sure as to what he said. Seconds passed — though it felt more like years — of the two of you staring at one another. Ashes dribbled from Sanji’s cigarette onto the floor. You shuffled your feet. It was completely silent, save for the sound of your heart thundering in your chest.

“Thanks,” You finally said.

With that, you slipped out the door, unable to stand the tension a moment longer. Something squirmed in your chest, and an anxious tang in the back of your throat made you want to throw yourself overboard. It was one compliment, it didn’t mean anything, you told yourself.

You weren’t sure what scared you more. The idea that it meant nothing, or the idea that Sanji might like you the same way you liked him. Either way, you couldn’t stop trembling. You hoped that whatever this was would work itself out on its own without your intervention.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t.

In fact, it got worse.

Sanji hovered around you more often, going from occasionally asking if you needed anything from him, to asking every twenty minutes. While he didn’t stop doting on Nami and Robin, he found himself too preoccupied with watching you to remember to refill their drinks on time.

Worst of all, Sanji wouldn’t stop complimenting you. They were far clumsier than the usually smooth flirtations that rolled off his tongue, but they were more than enough to get under your skin and into your heart. You didn’t miss that unmistakable glitter of pride in his blue eyes whenever you blushed under his flattery.

What you wouldn’t give for everything to go back to normal. When you realized you harbored a little crush on Sanji, you never expected it to be reciprocated. Now that it was, you weren’t sure what to do. You had never been in a relationship before, and with your luck, you’d end up screwing everything up.

You flushed when you felt his eyes on you, trailing from the top of your head to your feet. Gentle footfalls approached you, and you braced for an inevitably awkward interaction that you would replay in your head for hours after it was done.

“Hello, my sweet—” Over the past few days, Sanji had gotten more confident with the pet names, much to your chagrin — “Care for a refill.”

“If you can make it alcoholic,” You replied, staring pointedly at the ocean. If you looked at his ridiculously handsome face right now, you’d crumble to dust.

“Anything for someone as lovely as you.” You could practically hear his dumb smile on his dumb lips that you wanted to kiss stupid. Frowning, you fidgeted with your fingers.

You heard Sanji tip the pitcher as ice clinked together, filling your glass. The smell of sea salt filled your nostrils. There were words bubbling in your chest and up your throat, threatening to spew forth and coat the deck with bile. You bit your lip to keep that from happening.

“For you.” Sanji handed you the glass, and his fingers brushed against your own. They were warm, the skin was soft and well maintained. As always, you wondered what they’d feel like cupping your face, Sanji’s lips against your own.

You couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“Do you have a crush on me or something?”

Sanji’s mouth fell open. Before he could speak, you bulldozed right over him. “It’s okay if you do, I don’t really care, I’m just curious. I mean, maybe I would care because I’ve had a bit of a crush on you since forever. But that’s stupid. I’m stupid. I need to stop talking right now. Why can’t I stop talking?”

“You’re not stupid,” Was the first thing that Sanji said, surprisingly stern for how red he was. Followed by an almost incredulous, “You like me?”

“That’s what I should be saying” You cried. “You’re not supposed to like me back. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

He stared at you for a moment before reaching to remove his cigarette from his mouth and dangle it between two fingers. “You’re in love with me?”

“Well, that’s a really serious way to put it, but yeah. Sure. Whatever. I’m in love with you. There! I said it.” You let out a manic cackle. Your face felt so hot, like you were about to burst into flames any second. “I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Sanji grabbed you by the shoulders, his expression serious. “I don’t know what I’m doing either. We can figure it out together. If you’ll have me, of course.”

Your arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him into a tight hug. “Okay. Together then.”

“Together, my sweet.” He said, so suave as if steam wasn’t coming off of him from how hard he was blushing.

Not that you were much better.

Trafalgar Law

You hadn’t meant to overhear. Really, you didn’t. You were passing by the engine room, arms full of supplies you were supposed to deliver to the team, when you overheard your name. Maybe it was nosy of you to start eavesdropping, but anyone would if they were in your position. Once you heard Shachi and Penguin say your name, you stuck around to see what gossip had been floating around on the Polar Tang about you. It was a fact of life, one you refused to be held accountable for.

What you didn’t expect was to find out the captain had a crush. That in of itself sounded wholly ridiculous, and at first, nearly tore your heart in half. You had been harboring feelings for Law for a long time now, none of which you were confident enough to act on. Part of the reason you never confessed was because you had hoped he was too damned awkward to have a crush on anyone else in the first place. The other part was because you were inexperienced. Love was not something that came easy to you. It was messy, rough, and altogether stressful, none of which you wanted to deal with.

What really got you though, was the fact that out of everyone in the entire world, the infamous captain of the Heart Pirates had feelings for you.

You really, really hadn’t meant to overhear.

With your heart beating out of your chest, you shuffled past the engine room and delivered your supplies, wishing you were anywhere but here. This was bad. Law had been avoiding you for weeks, and now, you knew why. At first, you worried you had gotten on his nerves enough that he was finally sick of you. You enjoyed talking to him, even discounting your little crush. Whenever Law had a free moment, you found yourself by his side, chattering away over whatever had caught your fancy. He was a good listener, chiming in with a smirk every so often to show that he was paying attention. Recently, however, Law had started to dip into adjourning halls when he saw you coming, or take his meals in his office rather than sit with you in the mess.

It would almost be easier if he hated you. Then you wouldn’t be sweating profusely in your boiler suit, scared that Law would show up around every turn. How could you look him in the eye knowing that your feelings for him were reciprocated? All you knew is you were thankful he was avoiding you. It made staying as far away from him as possible much, much easier.

You were confident you were doing a good job getting your tasks done without running into the captain until you, quite literally, ran into him. The top of your head knocked directly into his chin, sending you sprawling on the floor and making Law frown. A frown that deepened when he saw you.

Still, he helped you to your feet.

“Watch where you’re going, Y/N-ya.”

“Right, sorry. Bye,” You said, skirting past him.

Law didn’t let you get far before his hand shot out to grab your wrist. His brows were furrowed, and you tried not to think about the glimmer of disappointment in his eyes. “That’s it?”

“What?”

“You’re usually always talking,” He said.

You removed your arm from Law’s grasp. He let go easily, thank goodness, you were fully prepared to wrestle him to get out of this conversation if you needed to. “I just don’t feel very chatty right now. Bye.”

With that, you turned on your heel and marched down the hall. It was quiet for a moment, only the sound of your footsteps resounding against the walls of the Polar Tang. It wasn't until a second, much heavier pair joined you did you start to pick up the pace. To which Law responded to by matching your speed, easily gaining on you. His strides were longer than yours. Two of your steps equaled one of his. At this rate, it would only be a matter of time before he caught you, and then where would you be?

So you started running.

Law faltered for a second before he joined, boots like thunder against the floor. Instinctively, you ducked around the first corner, hoping to lose him, before your stomach flipped and you, once again, ran directly into your captain.

That asshole. He shambles’ed you.

“Why were you running from me?” If he was hurt, he hid it well through an entirely unamused mask. You swallowed hard, shuffling your feet slightly under his gaze.

“I had the runs.”

Law gave you an unimpressed look. “No you didn’t. Now tell the truth. Why did you run from me?”

“Uh.”

You were really in it now. If the universe had any amount of love for you, there would be an emergency happening in about five seconds from now that would demand Law’s attention. But, of course, nothing happened. You were trapped.

“Uh,” Law repeated, his usual smirk worming its way onto his face. It wasn’t until then that you realized just how close to him you were, nose mere inches away from his chest. Your cheeks blazed.

Taking a couple steps back, you fidgeted with your fingers. “It’s none of your business.”

“It is my business when one of my crewmates runs from me,” Law countered.

He had you there. You weren’t sure how to get out of this, or even if you could get out of this. This was it. D-Day. Your tongue felt too big for your mouth, the pink muscle flailing uselessly. It was hard to breathe as your heart pounded furiously enough to make you feel lightheaded. Finally, after a full minute of silence, you couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Ireallydidn’tmeantobutIoverheardShachiandPenguinsayyouhadacrushonme.”

As he processed your words, all of Law’s confidence leaked away, the tips of his ears turning bright pink, confirming what you already knew. His pupils darted to your face in search of something.

“What did you think?” Law licked his dry lips and tried again. “What did you think when you heard that?”

“I don’t know because I’ve had the biggest crush on you since we met!” There. You said it. That wasn’t so bad. “I didn’t know what to do, so I was avoiding you.”

Tugging on the brim of his hat to cover his face, Law asked, “So what do you want to do now?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I don’t know! I’ve never been in a relationship before, how am I supposed to know these things?”

“I haven’t either,” He confessed.

You let your forehead knock against his chest. A chuckle rumbled against you as Law brought his hand up to cup the back of your head. His touch was delicate, barely there at all. You couldn’t help but lean into him. “That doesn’t help at all.”

“Get some dinner,” He said. “We can eat in my office together and talk about it more then. No more running.”

“Says the guy who avoided me for three weeks.”

Law only let out a huff while you laughed.

[imustbenuts]

nuts reading in jp 10 - i think vash is stressed + wolfwood's debut

a continuation of a prev post i made about vash switching his pronouns as of chapter 18. personal interpretation and all that.

in that post i highlighted a very surface concept of hierarchy with the pronouns thing.

but to re-summarize what i think im seeing so far: when Vash uses Boku he's keeping a low profile or handing off the flow of the situation to another party, and when he uses Ore he's trying to assert some level of control over the situation. (with more ill get into later)

stranger scenario^

example is the sand steamer arc. there with strangers its Boku. even with kaite during their initial meeting! but once BDN appears and theyre in the face of a dangerous, out of control situation he switches to Ore. for the rest of that arc, it's Ore down all the way.

i couldnt find any instances of him using either Boku or Ore in the geoplant & family legacy arc. assuming the characterization here is centered around the idea of control, and that he uses Boku with strangers, its probably still pre Legato intro behavior.

...yeah about legato.

once Legato appears the narrative quickly goes into Oh Shit mode. theres an ultimate antagonist. antagonist is about to unleash hell on not just Vash, but the already struggling humans on a hostile planet. give them one final nail in the coffin. Vash switches to Ore as we are shown how dangerous and unhinged this yet unrevealed person is in full.

except this part in the flashback/reflection, where we have Vash monologuing in the present time as if he's speaking to Rem:

hes speaking without kanjis, implying hes speaking like a child in his mind. vash uses Boku here to imply that hes lost/unsure/not in control, so that aspect isnt going anywhere. its rather being now hidden under new layers thats being revealed, and building ever up.

that layer, i think, being stress

fast forward and more destruction happens, monev the gale appears, legato does legato things, and the insurance girls pay Vash a visit.

and here i think is something of a budding relationship starting to happen

another aspect of the Ore pronoun is that its more than fine to use within the context of friends. bc theres no real higher or lower standings existing in a friendly context, so to use Ore can be a sign of familiarity or closeness.

and in the context of that scene it is very close to that since the girls are seeing Vash half naked with histories scarred into his flesh. hes open, hes vulnerable, the girls are seeing vash as vash and not The Stampede. (ofc he doesnt tell them straight about his history, the loner's lips are pretty tight on that)

but also again, he's stressed. and then it gets worse when Monev is revealed to be killed anyway after having Vash spare his life.

its probably at this point where the situation is so out of control that he points his gun towards Legato and oop. more Ore. and the lines are so aggressive here, you can tell Vash is out of it.

then chapter 18, or, vol 2 ch 6. vash sits in a bus with the insurance girls and is looking very out of it as noted by milly. the narrative lets us peek into his head and he's thinking about Legato.

and while theres a moment of comedic lightness with him getting freaked out by how freaky legato can be, legato gets more scenes fleshing out how messed up and contradictory he can be. the narrative wants us to know its all serious business going foward.

so my reading of all these: when the situation is so messed up and out of control, Vash uses Ore possibly as 2 things. 1) a stress response, and 2) to wrestle some semblance of control here. bc if hes indeed so pacifistic that he has no true will to bite, he'd probably use Boku a whole lot more. but he isnt doing that.

(it does make me wonder about tristamp vash... nai's dynamic there is different and in this one he says hes actually scared of his brother. the themes of abuse again >_> studio orange can i eat u)

and then wolfwood appears. yay. unfortunately, i dont have a concrete answer of how permanent the Ore is still at this point, since vash actually doesnt use either until a little after meeting wolfwood.

i can only say that these two's meeting in the manga is less cheery than in the 98 anime, bc vash here is reluctant to shake hands with the man with the kansai ben.

possibly bc he doesnt trust him... yet. (vash here seems to be portrayed as a loner, so it probably tracks with that.)

its only after wolfwood giving what little of his money to 2 raggedly looking kids that vash has this moment of connection with wolfwood. so far vash is shown to be good with kids and even likes them. and wolfwood is the same!

this scene below gets talked about a lot from what ive been seeing online. my extra take: interestingly this reads like wolfwood blasted a lot of vash's stress away even for a moment.

wolfwood then expresses that he sees through vash's empty smile, quite brashly climbing over one of the (possibly many) walls vash has.

all of this leads into the first proper connection between the two. vash's first pronoun usage towards wolfwood is a very friendly Ore.

yay. what a scene.

(the boku thing pops up later in the trimax Shoot Me scene between the two of them. their dynamic is so fun and its not even close to over yet. feels like nightow must have been going wheeee when hes drawing all of these...)

[ganondoodle]

fuck it, elden ring DLC rant (spoilers) (long post ... oh dear)

so, to start this- this is a very emotional reaction, so take everything with a ton of salT (i need to get this out of my system bc i need to go and do stuff today, i literally couldnt get much more than 3 hours of sleep bc my mind was racing) i only know two screenshots and what others have told me (thank you) so i might be missing more context and havent seen or read it myself

(more details and spoilers for the DLC below the read more thingy)

also, just to explain a bit, i dont usually get this upset about things i like, i like alot of things, but its RARE as fuck that i care, like actually care care about something, and that just kinda happens, i dont choose it or can decide to not care, i just do, and when something like this happens its like ... a sort of grief? i cant help but care about it but it messes with me emotionally, i have no control over it and cant change anything about it when it gets bad or done dirty, leavign me to just have to watch it be real even when i dont want to accept it-- i wouldnt say so much that i 'expect' somethign specific and cant handle when its not like that (common accusation about disliking totk)- and no i dont have somethign specific in mind, i just dont want it to be bad OR things that seem done and closed off suddendly out of nowhere be revealed to 'actually' have been like this, new stuff that either makes no sense or invalidates alot about what i valued about it, what i thought was the point

(i remember two .. my only two other intersts before- see what i mean RARE- that also went down simiarly like this; transformers (bay movies and mainly prime series, listen i didnt choose it either) with each movie it got more messy and stupid, primes second(?) season had an end i hated and the following movie was the final nail in the coffin- and one piece after that, which i slowly fell out of love with bc every chapter seemed to go more into a direction i didnt like, then the reveal that luffy is a god actually was my final ok i hate that moment)

i knew demise for a long time but wasnt obsessed about him at all, it took me learning about how hylia was depicted in a non canon (?) manga (which made me annoyed me bc i didnt like it and made a design for her to counter demises instead) and then reading his few lines of dialog about her again that it suddendly HIT me, like cupids arrow into my head-- i liked but wasnt that super interested into elden ring until radahn showed up, instantly his design made me go owo and then learning his (base game) lore it HIT me (i love sort of tragic side characters that might have been powerful or heroic at some point but now arent anymore- not saying he is that elden rings lore i messy and no ones good tm- and especially so if that character is widely hated for no good reason, dismissed or forgotten, has little lore etc)

i have things i like but dont care this much about, like okami or bloodborne, i like it alot, theres characters i really like (oki) but im not like, fixated on them?- and to have two at the same time, while not equally strong, i dont think i had before, and then have both be damaged or potentially lose it in a similar way within barely a year hurts so damn much--- anyway, getting into the actual rant now lol

so, to sum things up (that i know), in the elden ring DLC later on

miquella is actually a master manipulator and brainwasher (even to his sister???? which means alot of impactful things about his relationship to people is kinda invalidated or made meaningless, shitty)

he wanted to become a god by marrying radahn (his half? brother, same father) of all people that has never been mentioned before until now somehow?? ) you can argue it was hinted to but i find it completely out of left field

miquella sent malenia after radahn to kill him so he could be put into the realm of shadow so miquella could marry him (there were better candidates for that??)- its unclear (to me) if radahn ever actually accepted when sound of mind or even knew about it at all, but failed and he was isntead inflicted with rot to slowly waste away but not die (like he is in base game)

which also means that, what i found really impactful in base game, the festival of radahn, that i thought was a tragic sort of last wish/effort for of radahn to grant him an honorable death as a respected general after being made into mindless people eating zombie, organized by his soldiers/friends- might have been just yet another attempt to kill him and get him over there to miquella (and even if not, it still makes it way less impactful and now i feel like letting him continue to roam as a zombie is more of a favor than killing him bc hes just gonna a puppet again! which turns the whole tradgedy of the stuff in base game on its head imo)

you need to kill him to get into the DLC (and i was even sus of that but shrugged it off when i heard it ..) bc that way miquella could take whatever was left of his soul and stitch it into mohgs corpse?? (which is why hes so small in that DLC fight) bc his body was rotten by that point, which also allowed miquella to control radahn and make him agree, force him to do whatever miq wanted (which ALSO might mean mohg 'kidnapping' miquella wasnt that actually but mohg too was manipulated so oud kill him and make his remains usable)

radahn in DLC is a voiceless meat puppet essentially ... like a mindless rotting zombie eating friends and fow alike wasnt enough- also means that we never ACTUALLY GET OT KNOW RADAHN HIMSELF bc hes eithe a zombie or a literal puppet (if you are gonna do him dirty at least let us meet actual real him *cries*)

his fight is super hard apparently (though i have been hearing people complain about the entire DLC being too hard, while the -casual player- streamer i watched is beating main bosses so fast they dont even get to start their second phase) when his fight in base game, and him by extentsion, was also hated bc of that ALREADY, which means more people are gonna hate his guts (he doesnt deserve that!!) AND most people probably wont get or care that its not actually HIM him so its like a repeat boss that everyone hates

it feels weirldy forced in for it to be radahn (like miquella was already said to be one of the strongest gods out there .. why hed want radahn so badly when his goal seemed to be rather .. combat less?? if you get what i mean, and radahn also rejected him??? and the tarnished is right there too????) bc theres plenty others it would have worked with that are barely used- it feels like someone jsut wanting him to be tha main guy not matter what (when he worked so much better as a side character!!!!)

a tragic but well rounded off side character (imo) was made into the main guy this is all about actually tm (i generally dont like main guys and this jsut feels so .... it just hurts, it didnt feel foreshadowed at all, and its not even truly HIM that is reveal to be a creepy asshat but hes just manipulated and controlled with the whole time, be it by rot or miquella)

and for miquella its like, no theres no even mildly good people there, hes brainwashed and manipulated everyone actually tm, a giant plan all to force his half brother into marrying him by making him into a corpse puppet bc he rejected miquella- inlcuding potentially manipulating his own twin sister, which goes agaisnt what you learn of what hes done for her in the base game i think?? (not that much into that part but yeah ... it feels unfair to her too)

it also kinda just leaves other lore from the base game in the dust? like the whole haligtree plan, how miquella cared for the rejected (i guess he didnt then??? and it was just more manipulation tm??) that castle with the eclipse stuff

(is the gloom eyes queen, marika, and or st trina even .. important at all to any of this??)

ok from reading tweets from people talkign about it, miquella says radahn agreed apparently but whether thats true remains uncertain and given the circumstances i do not think radahn did- others said that it kinda sounds he agreed to something that he didnt think would involve him marrying miquella

everything feels like its in shambles for every fan of every involved chaarcter

yes i know you can argue that it was all planned from the start and meant to be a twist and everything and that people having a different idea of characters isnt the fault of the creators .... only to some degree bc why then build up make so much lore and story about stuff that turns out to be like saying 'actually it was all a lie' like its not valid to feel betrayed then, you can plan things out all you want but that doesnt mean it cant be bad oder underwhelming

(i wished to be able to meet or know more about radahn but like in a non rot way or like past flashback whatever kind of way and then not like this anyway, like i was interested into his relationship with jerren and just .. more about him i suppose the monkey paw has curled hasnt it -or however you say that-)

and there i was like two days ago going "omg radahn mention!!!" when that one .. feyja? NPC says she fought alongside him at some point ............................................................

leonard isnt there in the DLC to my knowledge, you know it cant be truly radahn if his horse isnt there (the sole reason he learned gravitiy magic for and it stayed with him even after the rot!!! i know people have started to hate it bc people love that but i love that, it made him so endearing to me, like a character i already found cool omg has a confirmed softer spot??? in MY fromsoftware title??)

sorry for the long post of rambling, i am a mess, barely slept 3 hours, yes i am weird to care, autisms or whatever .. i need to go somewhere in an hour and havent prepared as all bc i needed my thoughts out of my head- might have forgotten stuff, idk if i will add it later or just kinda .. stew in it for a while

(and yes a big point why i feel so strongly is both bc its just gonna make more people hate him even more AND feels so invalidating of alot of other stuff- pulls other characters down with it- the entire time i was watching the streams i and trailers i thought i was like, its onw thing, with miquellas littel adventure and more background info on marika mostly on its own from the base game BUT NO I GUESS)

(read all this in the sense of an utteraly disoriented confused and drunken seagull yelling around pls i am not in serious mental distress ..)

[brainbleedo]

Tmagp Insanity Rant (fuck you multiverse)

I do not believe that Celia is from the tma universe, flat out, i refuse to believe it and if they take that route i will genuinely be kind of upset-

I do have reasons for this though, firstly is how little evidence there is pushing for this idea, we all know something is up with Celia but we have no evidence for her being from the tma universe other than she was in tma and she's acting weird. Which isn't really evidence considering that Gerry and Gertrude are also here (and a hinted Georgie if i remember?)

furthermore, multiverses are really hard to do and get right because otherwise you end up with the mcu multiverse and do not get me started on that- frankly a multiverse seems like a very lazy plot line, not to mention how that would kind of fuck with tmagp’s whole being able to be listened to without listening to tma (same as the whole .jmj Jonah Martin Jon thing but ill get into that later)

Also, WHY WOULD SHE PERSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE IF SHES FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE??? especially if she's replaced og Celia? it either means that she doesn't actually like Sam (which i can actually get behind tbh bec i don't buy it) or she's a cruel idiot who doesn't understand that those actions will have consequences. It would be kind of plausible IF that last point didn't exist but for me its the final nail in the coffin on that theory. plus did i mention how lazy a Celia from tma would be for a plot line? like noooo give me possession, give me entity Celia, give me infested, hell give me anything other than she's replaced og Celia .

Now.

.jmj

this might get some people upset, but i do not fully believe that .jmj is Jonah Martin Jon. Especially if its tma Jonah Martin Jon, if its not then yeah i can get behind that idea but not if its tma jmj. Frankly though im going a bit mental because i think it is another red herring, the whole jmj being almost immediately associated with jonah martin jon is a bit suspisious to me. It feels like information that was way too easily gifted? though i could be wrong on that one tbh

this theory im not as concrete about (sept for them not being from the tma universe, you will not convince me.) but idk, it feels way too easy, it feels like everything is making a bit too much sense for me to not think that we have been duped as a fandom at some stage.

thank for for coming to my MAG talk, i fucking hate multiverses.

[my-castles-crumbling]

24 anon back in misery business (.mp3) with an update!

the baby shower was absolutely stunning first of all (i knew it would be, they always do it up right. i saw some of the decorations beforehand (accidentally, not planned) and it was nice to see how they got used in the end). i went with my grandma and sat with her the whole time bc she didn't know anybody outside of my friend, her husband, and her immediate family and all of them were busy/sitting elsewhere. i had a nice time, all things considered. but whenever i go to any of her events i always end feeling like its another nail in the coffin somehow. i found out her babies middle name in the middle of the baby shower when she held up a gift with his first and middle name on it, we didn't take a single picture together (thats okay, we never do (which... in itself is probably a big sad for me too if i think on it too long lmao). i dont think i can remember us taking a picture together (aka not a selfie, which honestly would probably end up being around the same time too) after our junior year homecoming in like 2017 (?)) so it bummed me out to see her posts about it the next day with tens of pictures with other people and then the only inclusion of me in off in the distance in the background? i feel like its a bunch of little things i have to complain about but they add up and build up so easy, you know?

she's somebody i will forever actively choose to keep in my life, in whatever way that ends up being, but i have been trying to take a step back from the friendship a little bit. if only emotionally, at the moment. were so physically distant that distancing emotionally is near my only option lol. im trying to maintain the relationship as it currently is but im trying to get comfortable with the change in pace and meet her were she's at and not get upset (internally, i will never be upset with her about this or make her feel bad or reasonable or anything of the sort). ive spoken at length about this whole thing with my therapist so i feel validated in the decision in ways only a therapist can accomplish, but i feel like its such a major thing to make decision about in ways i cant articulate after working all day. i know a lot of this has to do with the age i am, but i feel like ive been hit with a lot if things all at once (both things just happening now and things that have finally built enough pressure to explode) that feel like the proverbial book of my childhood being shut for the last time except its not gently with a loving fondness, its getting slammed shut and tossed to the side to inevitably get thrown out. thats an in the moment sort of thought and feeling and ill heal from that eventually (growing up 2: the electric boogaloo, stoked for her), and all the dust will settle and ill be able to breathe clearly again, but dear god is it fucking unbearable in the mean time.

anyways, on a brighter note, my friend did LOVE the shower gift i gave her (a crocheted by me baby blanket (softest yarn in the world, her little sister took it around the whole room to show it off i literally adore her) and three books (she wanted books instead of cards)), and the picture of her opening that gift is my new favorite of her (i have a lot of complicated emotions about pregnancy and having children (a whole other can of worms) and, bc of this situation, her specifically having children so i have never been truly excited about her being pregnant and sort of dreaded it (i will never tell her that (and when i do it will be in a very long time). but im getting there little by little bc i want to be there for her, pregnancy and parenthood is, imo, the hardest job in the world so, i will become excited even if only by self force. but seeing that picture really did something for me, i dont think ive ever seen her so lit up about something. it elates me in such a way that i am completely devastated over it).

my most sincere apologies to your askbox for being my unwilling fake therapist while im on a break from my real one. do you accept insurance, or offer any sort of flat fee or sliding scale?

Hi! <3

It sounds like you're working through a lot of complicated feelings, but I'm proud of you for being willing to work through them. It's so hard to have a change in a major friendship. Honestly I feel like it's tougher than a breakup in a lot of ways. I really understand what you're going through on a personal level and it's SO hard. I know the feelings of mourning, understanding, confusion, acceptance, even a little excitement (because yay, baby). I'm proud of you for talking all of this through.

As far as payment, I accept pictures of cute animals.

[shiki-aki]

By narrative choice, why do you think most of the route have Akira not witnessing Keisuke's death (No way Keisuke lived after that)? Like why it always with Shiki or Nano (a bastard (affectionate) and a bastard), not with Rin or Motomi?

Rin would less likely to help him, thought but for Motomi, I think it's a good set up, I just don't know why the team never did that 🤔

I just realise n+c like to leave Akira to the wolf, not that im complaining, esp if he end up with Shiki 👉👈

hiii thanks for the ask!! ❤️

I'll break down my thoughts into several points:

Why doesn't Akira witness Keisuke's death in Motomi's or Rin's routes?

Because Akira's character arc in those routes revolve around him learning to be a more emotionally and socially well-adjusted person, lol. After Akira sees Keisuke run off, he still clings onto the vain hope that he can mend his relationship with Keisuke as long as Keisuke is alive. This leads into Akira learning to communicate more with Motomi because his lack of communication is what caused the conflict with Keisuke. (I personally take issue with this narrative framing because it ignores Keisuke's agency and puts the blame solely on Akira for why their friendship failed, but that's how the game frames it.)

With Rin, Akira decides to take care of him because he doesn't want to essentially have a repeat of the conflict with Keisuke (he didn't care about Keisuke and look what happened, so now Akira tries to make an effort to care about Rin). In both routes, Akira comes to the implicit understanding later on that Keisuke is most likely dead, but he doesn't lose his will to live over that because he has Motomi/Rin by his side.

Why does Akira witness Keisuke's death in Shiki's route?

Because Shiki's route is the one that explores what life and death means and the difference between the two, and Akira's character arc revolves around him developing a strong will to live. We see at the start of the game how Akira has neither the will to live nor die, and only in his interactions with Shiki does he start possibly developing the resolve to live. He tells Shiki to kill him because he doesn't want to submit/beg for his life, but Akira also tries to resist death when push comes to shove because he doesn't want to die a death where the circumstances are out of his control.

When Akira sees Keisuke die right in front of him, he has to deal with the harrowing fact that it was his own blood that killed him. Akira was already shaken up from his previous encounters with Rein addicts/Takeru because he saw what his blood did to them, so it was the final nail in the coffin when the same thing happened to Keisuke, because it made Akira realize that there's something wrong with him. Following this, Akira becomes suicidal for the first time in his life and wants Shiki to kill him, because he thinks of his own existence/his blood as cursed, and that it would be better if he was dead.

But Shiki doesn't kill him. Instead, he kidnaps Akira and claims ownership over him, and after Akira realizes that Shiki isn't going to kill him, he begins regaining his resolve to resist Shiki. Shiki essentially brings back Akira's will to live and builds him back up to be even stronger than before lol. Akira tells Shiki that he follows his own will and that "everyone dies someday; I just can't stand the thought of being under someone's thumb" (very rough paraphrasing by me), which is why he's not afraid of death and will continue resisting Shiki no matter what. Shiki's route is all about Akira becoming a more willful person, because Akira at the start of the game didn't have the will to do anything... at all.

In the True Blood version of the game, Akira also doesn't see Keisuke die in Shiki's route. Instead he sees Keisuke run off (just like in Motomi's and Rin's routes), and then you actually get a new choice. If Akira submits to Shiki, Shiki will kidnap Akira and it will lead to a bad end with Akira being held captive. But if he resists, then Shiki will leave Akira alone, and the route will continue. Akira makes the decision afterward to collect tags and takedown Il Re as his personal goal, because Rein is the whole reason why Keisuke turned like this in the first place. Later on in the route, Akira understands that Keisuke is most likely dead, but Akira is still determined to challenge Il Re as his way of atoning for Keisuke's death.

SORRY THIS TURNED OUT SO LONG WINDED but I feel like there's multiple factors involved (off the top of my head) for why Akira sees Keisuke die in Shiki's route lol

1) Because it fits in with the narrative themes in Shiki's route, and by proxy, Akira's character conflict (what's the difference between life and death, what could one hope to accomplish by staying alive, is death not just the cessation of function?). Akira wants to die after accidentally causing his own friend's death, but after Shiki forces him to live, Akira instead regains his resolve to live and lives for the sake of defying Shiki.

2) Because it homes in on Akira's identity crisis with regards to his cursed blood, which is brought up again later on in Shiki's tunnel scene. Akira starts to doubt the reason for his own existence because he sees how his blood causes harm wherever he goes, but Shiki tells him that Akira is still Akira to him ("You're mine. That's all there is to it.")

3) It strengthens Akira's character development in Shiki's route, because we see the contrast in how he goes from being at the absolute lowest point in his life (Akira is actively suicidal during the Keisuke death scene and doesn't even have the will to get up or move; he doesn't care what happens to him anymore), to actively clinging onto his autonomy and developing this mindset of following his own will/obeying no one but himself.

Why does Keisuke die in Nano's route?

Straight up? Hot take: they needed Keisuke to die because Akira wouldn't have ended up with Nano if Keisuke was still alive lmao. Nano's route does a terrible job at setting up the romantic chemistry between Akira and Nano. Akira, during the entirety of Nano's route, is way more focused on finding and saving Keisuke. He just chills with Nano here and there for plot reasons (yeah makes perfect sense for Akira to just sit in a movie theater with some guy he barely knows when Akira is the type to be a lone wolf), but it's very clear that Akira's goal is making it out of Toshima with Keisuke and Nano isn't even really on his mind that much.

So they killed Keisuke off. If Keisuke was still alive in Nano's route, it's very likely that Akira would have ended up in a relationship with Keisuke instead, leaving Nano to be by his lonesome self lol. So with Keisuke out of the picture, now Akira is forced to leave Toshima with Nano because he has no one else with him. (Oh and that totally shoehorned scene with Nano suddenly regaining his emotions because he saw Akira crying for Keisuke. Not forced at all...)

This is the only time I'll ever feel sorry for Keisuke lol, because his death here wasn't a consequence of his own actions. His death in Nano's route was completely unnecessary and was only there for the sake of making sure Akira ended up with Nano instead. Besides, there was no way Keisuke would've gotten a happy ending in Nano's route even if he did survive, because he'd end up depressed if Akira fell in love with Nano lol.

YEAH SORRY THIS WAS LONG and rambly, typed this up in like half an hour but those are my thoughts!! ty for the ask as always :3! ❤️and I'll respond to your other ask once I get home ^w^

[fraudulent-cheese]

So i finished watching TDPI (and i have a theory on why it's so hated)

Yeah, it's actually been nearly a week since i watched the finale. Took me that long to scrounge up the motivation to write this post lol

I watched episodes 9-13 with my buddy @rockin-it-rusty again, and i have. thoughts.

Honestly, Hurl and Go Seek and Scarlett Fever were probably the highlights of the season. They're pretty funny episodes, where both Jasmine and Shawn's conflict is solved and Sky and Dave's relationship hits a brick fucking wall due to Dave's own character flaws. The set-up for the challenge is also pretty unique for an eating challenge and i like the comedy! Also Scarlett Fever having an actual antagonistic force is fun.

But i'll be real: I barely even remember anything from episode 11. And i don't remember much from episode 12, either. Doesn't help i wasn't the most concentrated on the episodes themselves, but the challenges and the character relationships weren't the most compelling/interesting to me. I'll say this though, Sugar and Sky's weird little alliance was fun while it lasted.

As for Lies, Cries and One Big Prize... God, the finale's mid. Im already not invested in Jasmine and Shawn's conflict, and im not gonna be invested in this either! But i think Skave's conflict is actually interesting here! Sky kissing Dave while having a boyfriend back home she wanted to break up with but forgetting to is interesting, and even Dave reacting very very badly to being rejected in episode 9 was fun to see. It's like. Oh my god. A relationship this season having some depth??? That i don't need to extrapolate myself?? There's three things that kill it for me though.

If you've been following this blog for a while, or hell have talked to me on Discord, you KNOW i am not a fan of straight, basic romance, and that's basically all that skave is for like half the season. Granted they have a better start than jashawn, who just blush at eachother once and then the plot happens, but that doesn't mean it's any less boring to me! The misscommunications are frustating because they feel completely artificial, and they only get compelling by Hurl and Go Seek. The episode Dave gets eliminated in.

The second thing that bothers me is that Sky leading Dave on in the finale (and that is what she's doing during the final challenge since she doesn't want to date him afterwards) is out of character for her. Her whole thing is winning honestly; she literally tells Sugar two episodes earlier that she can't cheat during the challenges or else they won't have an alliance because Sky's uncomfortable with that. Why would she be comfortable leading anyone on, even if it's for a victory then? It's still cheating! You could argue it's to push a contrast between her sportsmanship and her apparently being a disaster in relationships in that regard but i seriously doubt that's what the writers were going for!

The final nail in the coffin for me though is Dave's entire reaction. It's pretty funny how pathetic he is about it in episode 9, but his attempted murder of Sky is going just a bit too far? Especially since the worst he did earlier on this season was being a little bitch and being insistent. Would i belive he'd probably not react well? Absolutely. Would he try getting back at Sky? Oh, definitely, that guy's not well adjusted. Would he try killing her? I don't think so. I don't know, Total Drama makes you do crazy shit.

But yeah, those last couple of episodes have made me realise exactly why i belive Pahkitew Island seems so hated (and by extension why World Tour is so well liked) and i think it's because of it's ending episodes. The season's peak is reached at Scarlett Fever, to the point every episode afterwards just felt way worse, both in terms of entertainment and writing. Coupled with challenges i wasn't very into, relationship conflict that wasn't very compelling to me and eliminations that weren't very convincing (episode 12 would've been so much more interesting if Sugar had gotten voted out an episode earlier. Even if i love her character!).

Frankly the attempted drama in the finale just reinforces that impression of it all being... Artificial. Not in a "The Island Is Mecanical" kind of way, in a "The Writers Are Just Forcing This Conflict" way. Like it doesn't feel like a thing the story needed, or a conflict that arose naturally from the characters' dynamics with eachother. idk.

Endings both have a huge impact on how people perceive media, as well as a lasting impression on it; it's the reason TV shows can go from dominating Pop Culture to being hated and subsequently forgotten about in a matter of weeks or months if they're lucky. Pahkitew Island is at it's funniest and most entertaining during the middle of the season and it's end arguably contains the weakest episodes out of the entire season. Contrast that with World Tour, which outside of G1 bias has it's better drama and episodes later on since all the characters it flanderized and assassinated aren't there anymore but shush As well as having good moments earlier on. Hell, if you ignore the final two minutes, World Tour can be argued to have one of the best finales and im only not saying it's the best one because both TDI and ROTI exist and have a better one. While Pahkitew Island probably has one of the worst ones. The show kinda just... Ends. Dave probably gets mauled by a robot bear and Sky, Shawn and Jasmine are off the Island and that's that.

That, coupled with the lack of character interactions is probably why people don't tend to talk about this season, which is a SHAME because it's a really fun season, with really fun characters and actually good ideas! It deserves to be explored more, appreciated more!

And with no transition at all, let's talk about my character opinions!

Dave is. Yeah, it's a whole thing. Him being more insistent in episode 9 on charming Sky at the start feels a bit forced? but it's probably because i thought the "bet you still wish i was your boyfriend" line came a little bit out of nowhere for me? Feels like it came from an earlier draft, or the writters of the episodes before it didn't keep track of where his relationship/opinion on Sky was. I do think him taking the rejection awfully and being really pathetic all episode is really funny however, and it makes skave more interesting by default to me, so it helps!

...Ok, fine, i'll talk about the finale. I'll elaborate on this in Sky's section, but it doesn't do Dave's character much favors. He feels a bit more pathetic in that episode before the existence of Sky's boyfriend is revealed, and then the whole reveal happens and... yeah. Dude seems happy by Sky possibly dying. Just feel like that's a little too far? Compared to how he was before? Idk.

I'll talk about Max first over Scarlett because i have way more to say about her than him. He's still funny. My earlier post on him is still right. His elimination is hot garbage btw, dude should've gotten kicked instead of Ella

Now, Scarlett's actually interesting, since we've gotten to the twist; i really like her in concept as a villain that is antagonistic out of a lack of morality and not just. Being a piece of shit. Then again, the whole evil vilain twist in Scarlett Fever kinda sorta entirely goes against this. Genuinely think that Max just made her fucking snap and she tried to blackmail Chris into getting the million herself because she couldn't fucking handle being around this guy. She hates him

Jasmine's fine. It's nice to see her get actual screentime, but wow she spends 90% of it glued to Shawn and it kinda sucks since i don't think i have a great grasp on her personality due to this. When i'll rewatch the season to take more precise notes i'll try to pay way more attention to her character i guess? Her clear trust issues should've been explored, just saying.

Sugar's GREAT. Seriously, she's my favorite part of the show post Scarlett Fever and it's not even close. She's genuinely funny! I love seeing her do her own thing and be a menace, it's great. The show's super mean to her about it? For some reason? I think the writters were trying to treat her like the main antagonist but she really doesn't read like one to me. Girlie deserved that spin off she mentions in episode 9. Or i guess she technically got it since she appears in Dramarama. Maybe i should watch the episodes she's in...

Shawn, like Jasmine, is kinda there for me. I do think creating conflict between these two is a good idea, but the writters just lean wayyyy too hard into the Zombie Apocalypse Nutjob aspect of his personality in episode 11 especially, it just flattens him and it's pretty sad since he's got some interesting things about him, and the way he tries to make it up to Jasmine both time they're in conflict is cute. Wish they actually communicated more tho

Finally, Sky. Oh Sky, how i wish they treated you better. Listen. In theory? I don't hate the idea of Sky having a boyfriend back home she wanted to break up with. Perfect way of adding drama to a character that didn't seem to have any. The problem is the everything with the finale. The writters make her seemingly lead Dave on during the final challenge and while she was probably going to come clean before Dave interrupts her again (which is actually a good way of showing they wouldn't work out due to him not putting in the effort of listening to her), i don't think her doing that at all would be in character. Her whole thing of good sportsmanship and winning without cheating feels off when contrasted with this. Also, girl should've really just said to Dave that she was planning to break up with her boyfriend and not to the confessional camera. Doubt that would've stopped Dave from freaking out, but at least she'll have tried i guess.

SO. I'LL ASK AGAIN: DOES PAHKITEW ISLAND DESERVE THE HATE?

NO. No it doesn't.

I'd even consider it the most underrated season of Total Drama! It just... really got fucked over by circomstances and things out of it's control. This season was written at the same time as All Stars, by like 4 writers, with a whole new cast to flesh out and only 13 episodes to do so and seemingly less ideas. You can tell that by the end, the writers really didn't care and just wanted this shit to end - the final three episodes feel like first drafts, even moreso than the earlier episodes did. And it sucks! It sucks because this season had a whole lot of potential, and it either got wasted or crapped on by the fandom at large!

I just... I wish this season got treated better, is all.

Also why the fuck does Chef only get five lines. What was up with that

[subaru-copilot]

💗📝

lets goooooooooo

💗 a fic you’ve reread again and again and why! > fic: to the red planet Mars by r_astra, jason todd & bruce wayne

Ok, I think this would be "to the red planet Mars" by r_astra, gut fucking wrenching fic about jason & bruce relationship where they end up telepathically linked and bruce feels the pit rage, and oh god i don't even know where to begin, just an amazing fic if you fw bruce!bad dad trope. and also if you like having you heart wrenched, because i felt like i was going to throw up every chapter (and i am not even joking!)

📝 a fav fic quote > fic: drunk on just being there by Cazio, max verstappen/daniel ricciardo

im fcking terrible at remembering, specially because i read fics on my phone or laptop on the browser (i need to start to read fics on my kindle dude!!), so I will be very succinct on this, but there's this quote "Thank you, he prayed to whatever god would listen. Thank you for giving him back to me." that is the final line on this fcking amazing fic that fcking broke me, it was the final nail on my coffin, I was ugly sobbing so much when I finished it and idk, the idea that you are going to lose someone you love so much because life happens, and fears exists, and nothing is perfect, and he will wrong you so much, but in the end the love you had for them persists until the end, and you finally have the chance to have him again and the only thing you can do is be grateful for having another chance- i cant im sobbing again omg terribly good fic if you like Maxiel and Angst With a Very Distant but Happy Ending

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

Hii i know im late but either kuron allura or lance for the ask game thingy you rbed like two days ago?

(i know i always pick these three but idk i just rlly like hearing your thoughts on them<3)

Yay!! I am so sorry this is late. Also heads up this gets long and really salty-

Kuron-

favorite thing about them- He's trying so much! He is not great at it and he was very much Doomed since the beginning and he lost every agency he never had to begin but my god he was Trying! He did not know he was a clone but he felt he that he isnt him and Haggar was still scouting in his head but he was still trying until he couldnt, my god i love him!!

least favorite thing about them- Other than the fact he fucking died??? Kuron babygirl please dont go behind your teams back and dont yell at people, i know you are Going Through It™ but still

favorite line- "Like i am not like myself" HAHAHAHA HAHA FUCKING KILL ME!!! orz

brOTP- Lance and Kuron relationship that lives in my head and has a special place in my heart, also Veronica and Kuron because i am too deep in That au i will make it a thing if only just for that au

OTP- Do i have to answer this one? I guess Kur.ance if you twist my arm but to be honest i still prefer it as platonic or qpr. I am not much of a shipper and he has aroace swag to me. Oh, also Kuron/getting to live as his own person aka the best ship ever

nOTP- I guess Kuron/Keith and Kuron/Lotor? Mostly because my rather uhhh negative opinions on Keith and utter disappointment with Lotor's character and annoyance with both of their stans

random headcanon- i have already talked about him being fan of reading but did you know he also writes sometimes? It is not *great* and almost all of them are wips because he is never sure how to end a story but he is trying

unpopular opinion- if i see one more "Kuron the evil mean clone" i will scream.

Other than- ok. You know how much i love him right? He is one of my favourites and i like him more than Shiro, you know that right? I need you to know and remember that when i say the next part.

Entire clone arc was just not needed. Like you could have had the same effect with Shiro being mind controlled and i personally feel it would have been better. Clone arc just overcomplicated an already messy plot, added even more elements and questions that went absolutely nowhere, left behind a shit load of plot holes, became the final nail in the coffin of Shiro having any possible arc or development, and added a new sympathetic character just to kill him off as a plot device.

And the entire "You are my brother Shiro, i love you" who is it for? Literally who is it for? It would have been much more heart wrenching if it was mind controlled Shiro but we clearly established that is not him. That guy is not Shiro, and Keith as i recall had like 3 on screen conversations with him, 2 of them being strained and then Keith just fucks off with the Blades for most of 3 seasons. It is not for Kuron cause narrative is insistent that he is ~evil~ tool and later on they use his body to get Shiro back. So like, who is it for? Other than to show how sad and angsty and great and amazing writers pet Keith is of course but that is the whole goddamn show.

Like i love him and he did not deserve any of That and i am going to keep making up aus where he lives but the entire pointlessness of clone arc angers me so much

song i associate with them- Being a basic bitch here but Control by Halsey

favorite picture of them-

honestly every scene with him having long hair is just>>>

Allura-

favorite thing about them- Allura is just so genuinely kind, like she goes from one traumatic event after another and loses everything she had and she is rightfully angry and hurt and upset but she still remains kind and does everything so that others dont have to go through what she did and so she sacrifices what little she still had

least favorite thing about them- why is she fucking dead 🥺🥺? Girl wake up, also as much as i love her i am not forgiving her for entire using-Kuron's-body-to-bring-Shiro-back.

favorite line- "So how would you rate your bloodlust level from 1-5?" Let her be silly please!!!!

BrOTP- Allura and Shiro!! Also Allura and Hunk!!! And a number of interactions between Allura and Lance post s3 too!!

OTP- Free my girl hasnt she suffered enough?? (I do have soft spot for early season sha.llura moments and many allurnce moments)

nOTP- i guess l0tura and k@llura? For similar reasons as above

random headcanon- pre-Altea's destruction Allura was the most daredevil person ever. You could dare her to eat a ghost pepper and she'll do it just to prove she can

unpopular opinion- No longer saying 'the situation is much more nuanced' and 'she was traumatized, it is understandable' about the galra reverse racism bs and instead going she was 100% in the right actually. If this fandom can forgive Lotor for getting thousands of alteans murdered and straight up lying to the woman he says he loves about her own people and forgive Keith for abandoning his teammates and almost getting them all killed by claiming they were sad and traumatized than they can also forgive a black coded genocide survivor not liking a race that has been colonizing and murdering the entire universe for 10000 years including her own people

song i associate with them- Queen of Nothing by Crane Wives

favorite picture of them-

Look at her smile

Lance-

favorite thing about them- my boy?? My most favourite boy??? Literally everything?? Ok but seriously i have talked about this before but he is complex to me, i love there is so much duality in him he is someone who is kind would die for a person he met like 2 days ago and did not get along but also is just an absolute obnoxious cunt. He is an emotionally mature guy who understands his own feelings but also is just sooo douchey class clown. He wants to be a cool talented hero, he has the capacity to be that but he wants to be seen as one and in his attempts he ends up screwing himself over and comes out looking as anything but that<33!! And he is loyal and goofy and lovable i love him

least favorite thing about them- i would not have liked this fucker if i met irl specifically s1-s2 him at all. Also the fact they did not even give him an arc like why would you do this to him. Also his fanbase, i cant tolerate 70% of his fanbase and the fact that i still love him is a testimony of my love for him itself given i have hated characters and left fandoms for far less

favorite line- "You ever notice how far the planets are from each other, Coran?" Why did they have the goofball say shit like this if he was meant to be just a goofball

brOTP- Everyone <3, he deserves more friends but mostly Hunk, Kuron, and Allura

OTP- i like most Lance ships actually, though there is a specific han.ce au i have in my head that i adore

nOTP- *sighs* kl4nce. It's just sooo Everywhere, i go to Lance's tag and it is all this ship, nearly every s8 fix-it thinkpiece i have seen moans about how Lance was reduced to Allura's bf only to reduce him to Keith's bf and all of them yell about how the only problem with vld was that kl didnt become canon as if all the racism in the show doesnt even matter, and i am so goddamn tired of this like i cant even joke about Lance having terrible taste in men witjout someone bringing Keith up, and i dont hate the ship (and sometimes i even enjoy it) but i am done with this

Random headcanon- he can play violin pretty well! But he also hates playing violin

unpopular opinion- this is coming from someone who only likes and cares about Lance ships but i think he shouldnt have had a romance arc with anyone. I have said this before but he is so obsessed with keeping facades and the romance loverboy is one of those facades. At most he should have had like last one out of beach city episode from steven universe, where he gets a partner by just being himself instead of the flirty loverboy persona

song i associate with them- Top of the world by Greek fire

favorite picture of them-

He looks great when he is on the verge of death

[xxmoonch1ldxx]

hellooo, ive read through ur fics and they are beautiful and i humbly provide a prompt 4 u; Anthony stimming in front of Ian. thats it that the prompt. since their reunion, Anthony has finally felt comfortable enough to stim in front of Ian when he wants to without shame or sum idk im autistic and love projecting onto my favourite content creators

Hey Anon, finally getting back to you after a milennial. I'm sorry for the wait! I got you, I too am autistic and love projecting so here we go :)

Anthony had always held himself to some pretty stupid standards.

When he was younger, he believed he needed to always put socks the same color or people would definitely notice and laugh at him. As he grew older, it became about straightening his hair, not only for the emo style but mainly because he was ashamed of his curls and thought he would get mocked for them. Mainly, though, he battled with his, for a long time undiagnosed but very obvious, ADHD and everything that came along with it.

The shame he felt at his own behavior started pretty young, when he used to simply stay mute instead of allowing himself to talk to people in kindergarten. He knew he had a loud voice and an even louder laugh, one that his mom always told him to quiet down. Even though she was never mean about it, Anthony had ended up taking it more personal than he should have. Sadly, though, it didn't get easier; there were so many assignments he failed because he hadn't been able to focus and was to ashamed to ask for help from anyone, lest they tell him to get his head out of his ass and listen.

Anthony tried, he did, but that never quite worked.

It didn't quite work like a lot of things did, but one person he did let into his life and his odd behavior was Ian. Ian never whined when he laughed too loud, Ian never minded how he jumped subjects of conversations and Ian always helped him in the classes he failed to understand due to having lost focus. Anthony had always been so, so grateful for that, but there was still one thing he had struggled with.

Stimming. Anthony had a lot of small habits that he always suppressed, mostly in fear he would get judged. Even with how much he loved Ian, he always feared he would disrupt the younger man with those repetitive behaviors. He also remembered a few times where he had been unable to help the thrumming of his fingers as he worked, the stress of his later years at Smosh taking a toll on him and making him unable to stay still even more than usual; Ian used to turn around and ask him to stop in this irritated voice. Not mean, once again, but it hit the nail in the coffin.

He was disturbing people in a way he shouldn't be, or at least, that's what he thought.

And then, after a few years of therapy, an official diagnosis, getting on meds and finally unloading all of this trauma, Anthony and Ian had reunited.

The core of the relationship, their comedic chemistry and the ease they had once felt around each other came back, even stronger than it had been before. Anthony had never been more grateful for something in his life; or maybe he had, but only about the fact he and Ian were now an official thing. A couple. Boyfriends.

They had learned how to live around each other again, speak out what bothered them and be honest. Issues were solved way faster today, and way easier too. Working was comfortable, funny, fulfilling in the same way it had been back when they started Smosh. Hanging out was, too, and they now found comfort and pleasure in the mere act of being together, opposite to the later years of their friendship when they barely spent any time together outside of work. For that, Anthony was fully grateful too; it sure was fun that being together now included more things like kisses, hugs and more...Physical activities. Anthony loved those improvements.

Ian and him now were together more often than not, and there was an ease about it that had never been there before. Sometimes, they didn't even do much; Ian would be watching yet another history video and Anthony would be laying with his head on his boyfriend's lap, working on his new interview. He cherished those small moments, especially the few instances when Ian would interrupt him for a bit just to press a fond and loving kiss on his lips. It was lovely, it filled Anthony's heart in a way nothing else ever had.

One of the things he cherished the most, though, was how earnest they had both been with each other. Vyvanse pills might work for focus and other symptoms of ADHD, but the stimming part couldn't be erased from him. Happily, though, Anthony didn't feel the need to hide himself anymore.

When they were in the office, he would sometimes be playing with everything that fell under his hands. The little holder of his phone, the pencil he was holding, his rings that he wore; it was a thing that greatly helped him focusing when they were brainstorming. Instead of whining like he had sometimes used to, Ian would always look at him fondly, with a smile that screamed 'I knew this would happen', but would never interrupt him. He had even started bringing a few of those little water toys that could be squished for Anthony to press on as he talked. He had brought one in the shape of a black cat, because he said it reminded him of Anthony. He was blushing as he said it, but Anthony had thought it was so cute he had kissed Ian on the mouth hard enough to bruise his lips.

Then, there was the way he often hummed as he did things. Really, anything; it would also help him focus and he didn't even notice it at time. Ian would sometimes join him in his low singing when he did the dishes or even worked on some scripts, a smile on his lips. Neither he or Ian were particularly great singers, but they always ended up laughing so hard they cried or just having a sweet, domestic moment.

Ian had also brought a few rocking chairs inside the office, decision that had been questioned but Anthony was forever grateful. It was easier and grounding to rock on a chair that was made for it, a habit Ian had probably noticed and remembered from their time at school and how Anthony couldn't keep himself still on a chair for two seconds. Ian always scolded him when he brought his chair on two legs, telling he might fall and to stop; this was something else that Anthony cherished about him. How protective he had always been, how much he cared.

Most of the time, Anthony thrummed his legs endlessly. This habit put a strain on his muscles, something Ian knew, so he would lean in to place a hand on his thigh, remind him to calm down. Ian would rub the skin and pat it simply before retrieving his hand, knowing Anthony didn't even notice what he was doing. There was also how he would reach out to tug at Anthony's arm when he either bit his nails too much or scratch at his skin until it would become red. Sure, there were days Ian wasn't there to do so and Anthony would end up breaking his skin open, but his boyfriend would always be there once he came back home to rub the skin with lotion and kiss the scar, achingly soft and tender. Anthony didn't think he could love him more, but Ian always outdid himself. He once bought gums and straws just for Anthony to chew on when he needed to.

Even with his weirder habits, Ian didn't judge. He didn't judge when Anthony cleared his throat too much or repeated random words or sentences. He didn't judge when he would flap his hands and move them a little too much as he talked. He didn't mind when Anthony would get excited and jump a little too much, or he would get all over the place. Instead, he seemed to find it very amusing and so, so adorable. Just like he cherished the little tunes Anthony whistled when he was particularly engrossed into something.

All those little things that Anthony had spent years hiding and taming down, all the habits he had taken that included hurting himself and then dealing with the consequences himself, he didn't have to face them alone. Ian would always be there to ease the ache in his muscles after he pulled at them too much by how much he moved, or to cream his red and sore skin, massage his jaw when he had chattered his teeth too much. Anthony treasured all of those actions, how much care Ian had towards him and how he showed him all the time. It was a little wild to find someone who finally didn't mind all those things about him, and especially someone who even cherished a few of those habits. Anthony would see it in the fond smile stretched on Ian's face when he stared at him, just like he hung the moon, when he was just whistling while doing the dishes. He would feel it in the way Ian kissed him softly when he would sing, how he wouldn't even note the flapping of his hands and simply lean over to brush a strand of hair away from his face.

Anthony felt comfortable to be fully himself in a way he had never had before. He knew and could feel the way Ian loved every little thing about him, from the way he smiled so softly to the way he catered to his every needs, even when Anthony ignored he had them.

Anthony simply cherished Ian himself, fully and wholly. He had never been more grateful of something than the fact Ian felt the same.

[polyhexian]

Will suspecting something is amiss with how Jasper talks about Belos compared to just regular beatings and punishment and puts together that Jasper really doesn’t understand the full violation he endured at Belos’s hands.

Like I feel like that kind of thing would be the final nail in the coffin to realize Belos is every bit the monster Will suspected him of being up to this point

ive said this before but when im writing, and i think subconsciously or consciously a lot of people do this, but you like, theres two kinds of stories, one where sex exists and one where it doesnt. because if sex exists it matters. peoples sexual relationships are important, what they say and do during and because of it. in stories where sex doesnt exist you just dont really acknnowledge it beyond the surface. because the second you add sex into the equation but dont actually go all the way in adding it the way it is in real life, a fundamental aspect of the way many people engage with the world and others, it starts being... weird when you skip stuff. if sex doesnt exist, assault doesnt exist. you dont touch that. owl house is a sex-doesnt-exist story. theres no sexual abuse in this world because sex doesnt really happen. its offscreen and doesnt ever affect the plot in any way. but if sex exists? literally theres no fucking way that hunter, a child unsupervised in a military organization, frequently alone and convinced hes an adult, is not getting abused by SOMEONE, at LEAST once. theres no way. hell, the kid has just gone through puberty having never spoken to another person his age in his entire life. what does that even DO to a person?

so its like. i seperated all the sex exists MH stories from the main series because MH and the other stories are Sex Doesnt Exist stories, because if they werent that shit is going to CONSUME the narrative, its too big to ignore.

but jesus fucknig christ. if sex exists in this story? ougghhh my god will is going to catch onto that shit pretty quickly and as soon as he realizes it hes going to fully break away. like, jaspers moment was seeing that murdered child in a soldiers uniform. wills would DEFINITELY be learning this lmfao

[feelingwritinglearningliving]

i think its really true - the only way to cure liking a guy is just spending time with them. i cant believe how dull a person could be..and maybe im just disappointed that a guy can be so nice and gentlemanly but be such amiss with substance. im relieved to be absolved of this emotion permanently now. this is the nail in the coffin but im happy. ive graduated and actually feel differently about what i want in a relationship more and more..

today my inner narrative and self-talk also finally, and unconsciously, said that “i will do my masters next year” and i can. i can!!! i cant believe it but also excited for it. im finally doing it for myself and aranya is right, if i decide that its for me then i will get it.

my season has arrived :) universe im ready for all the best things that are so close i can almost taste it!

011124,136

[flojouno]

cbeeduo was only kinda good right up until doomsday and even then they were meh at best

the whole marriage thing was kinda the last nail in the coffin though, i genuinely felt gaslit by a whole fandom because what do you mean that cardboard box of a relationship has "good chemistry" or whatever? i saw all cool fanart with knowledge that if i got into fandom because of them i would be ultra disappointed and i usually have low standards already. people were arguing whether they were /p or /r like they aren't fucking lame either way. cbeeduo is truly an equivalent of that canon couple that doesn't have anything else behind it other than being canon ig. just saying that the characters are married is not enough, i need to fucking see it, and i never saw it in them and i saw my fair share of mcrp canon relationships (both married and not) so yeah i am comparing here.

like doomsday it was fine and interesting!! and then i was watching the stream when they just randomly decided they were married. im like "thats cool ig". was NOT expecting the fandom to go THAT CRAZY!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN CBEEDUO WERE SO BORING!! i think michael was the only thing keeping it interesting. thats all they had. i cant remember anything big for beeduo besides the experimenting thing. that was one stream.

the /r or /p was annoying as fuck. "you cant ship them!!!" they are FUCKING MARRIED!!! no one wanted to even FATHOM you can ship characters who werent adults. cause newsflash!!! shipping isnt sexual!!!

nothing notable happened with them. the finale of ranboos had michael but no sign of tubbo. tubbos didnt have either (as far as i know). and people say cbeeduo is good cause michael is their kid and their married for tax reasons. thats literally nothing. tubbo had a more meaningful relationship with fucking QUACKITY (to show how ineffective beeduo were to each other). i know im biased with clingy duo but when i was deep in the fandom before the finale, all i cared about was ranboo. i can say switching from ranboos perspective (which led to beeduo) made clingy duo so crazy. their relationship was crazy vs cbeeduos nothing burger

[thissithhappens]

Anyway I’ve been going so crazy that i have to repeatedly talk myself off of ledges throughout the day about this kid. Reminding myself that we’re doing totally normal, healthy things, and everything he’s doing I’ve done in this relationship as well. So simmer, bitch! He has his life outside of you and you have yours outside of his. That’s great! Keep it up! And it’s awesome that he tells you where he’s at and what you’re doing without even asking, most of the time. He doesn’t even have to do it that often. God I love it though, I don’t know if he does it on purpose knowing the effect it has or what, but I don’t care. It’s working, that’s what matters. The crazy thing is that I DO think I’ve finally learned the difference between anxiety and intuition and real problems. Now the problem is just actively fighting with the anxiety and applying the tools I’ve been given time and time again. Making lists of reality, of what’s actually happened. And going even beyond that, the proportion of good to bad. Here could be the belief that I deserve my standards, deserve to have my needs met, a safe space to learn how to love without hurt. could we do it? my mind has been racing since this afternoon. i’m trying to put my past behind me, i’m trying to make peace. reminding myself that my fears aren’t about my ex, my c-ptsd just associates with his memory now because of how often he triggered it, how recent it was, and the fact that he’s still alive. my brain just replaced my mom’s face over my fears with my ex’s. he’s just the mask, the vehicle, and she’s always under carriage. i got real-time triggered about her with current bf and just ran with it for a couple of weeks, it seems. she popped up when i could catch her and she sank back under my ex’s face when i was being ungrateful and feeling afraid. I can’t repeat either situation, i refuse i refuse i refuse. but if i just give you a little faith. if i just look at you, without anyone else’s face over it, because you really are so unique. The last one reminded me of this strange amalgamation of everyone I’ve ever loved, but you remind me of everything i’ve ever known. You remind me of me. He felt familiar, not only like we were SUPPOSED to meet but like we’ve done it before. We were following some kind of automatic track that neither of us laid. You….. once we actually spent time together….. FIRST OF ALL. Can we talk about how fucking outright demanding you were that I pay attention to you that night??? I was a little off-put honestly, but more than that I actually admired you for it. How bold, how concise, how direct. Okay! What more adult way to get what you want? You asked fun questions. Do we talk less these days? Is it my fault? I still want to know everything. I’ve been holding back, and I think you know it. I think I’m afraid you’ll reject it, you’ll either run for the hills in terror or vomit with disgust. I know, you think I’m crazy for ever doubting you. Sometimes I just want too much. You waited and fought and stay and talk and it blows me away every time. I don’t want to lose that, so im not sure why i think just telling you how much i feel would be the nail in the coffin for us. fuck.