#im doing job applications tomorrow
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Mr.United States Canada Mexico Panama
#animaniacs#yakko warner#WB kids#quick doodle with my new brush#I had a big inspection today#i am so so close to getting my professional degree i can almost taste it#after 5 years i can not wait for this part of my life to be over#im doing job applications tomorrow#and then Thursday is my last assignment which is like a interview it’s just#that’ll be it#ill be done#so excited to be a teacher#so here’s one of my childhood inspirations#and as overused as the nations of the world song is every child i have shown it to adores it so#seemed appropriate
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im home and i just made list of shit i need to do today and let me tell you im gonna abuse the hell out of the 3 hours of sleep i had today, keep me in your prayers im gonna go tear my skin off
#i have like 3 job applications due and i have to do research for a group meeting tomorrow and i got a few comms right before going away#and it's fucking cold as hell because some genius (my father) forgot to close a window when we left so im just constantly shivering awesome#personal
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they should invent an applying for jobs that doesnt make you feel like this
#personal#i am so good at being an employee but nobody will fucking interview me#cmon guys. im good at math and at being a cog in a machine. what do you want#im pissed off because the seasonal position (not even in my field) that i was going to apply for got filled#in between me rewriting my resume for it and submitting my application -_-#i have another application to do tomorrow thats probably not going to go anywhere because i dont have 5 years of experience#this SUCKS man why cant i just like. get apprenticed to someone who knows what theyre doing#im sooooo good at learning on the job. you want to teach me things so bad
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im so full of anger every day that it makes it hard to function. what do i do
#blah blah blah#i generally try to not tamp down my thoughts and feelings but at what point is it 'being open' and at what point is it 'stewing'#i miss doing therapy but my medicaid doesnt cover psychiatric care#and my workplace is likely to schedule me back down at 20h/week once our new manager begins here#im so mad . he starts next week but idk if that means sunday (tomorrow) or monday#and why was only next week's schedule posted. why not the whole month#i have another job trying to schedule me and that one is easier to move around than the main one#full timers work 30h or more#and ive been working at least 35 every week for the past month since weve not had a manager#i want healthcare#i know im in a privileged position where i can even try to demand these things#but i am worried about the nextg year bc i dont know what my hours will look like yet#so i can't reliably predict my income for the year to select my own plan through the state service??#luckily open enrollment is nov and dec and it's only the start of nov now#i don't have a third recommender for phd programs so i can't fully submit those applications yet#im just so full of anger i feel unable to move#and the anger is of course about the odd time trying to balance my two part time jobs and rent and health#but it's also about! gestures at the globe full of things happening!#i am immobilized by anger and it's putting a big strain on my relationship with my partner and my family!#i don't know that going back to therapy would fix these things but if i could at least have a person to talk to once a week#specifically dedicated to talking about Problems#idk#maybe it would lessen the amount im dumping on everyone else#it feels so privileged and selfish and evil of me to have desires and feeling like i am the world's center of evil isnt helping anyone#pursuing a phd wouldnt be helping anyone#being unable to move for how full of emotions i am isnt helping anyone#maybe i should just . remembers suicide jokes are bad etc. join the circus
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if i had the ability to scream id wanna scream in happiness rn
#lmao anyway i got a part time job now!! im excited!!!#ill probably be less excited once uni starts again but thats not important lol#i applied monday night. got a call yesterday morning/early afternoon asking if i was available for an interview. interview today#emailed a few hours later w a job offer. COMPANY WEBSITE PROFILE SAYS HIRED#anyway ig the hack is to NOT do practice interviews and to be honest but also stretch the truth and bs some questions for what seems right#also my interviewer really liked hearing about my high school's freshman program (older students being like their high school guide)#future (aka tomorrow) amber will have to deal with cancelling the interview i scheduled for a different application and withdrawing my other#applications bc i dont want to be offered anything else atm lol#(excited this is part time since im doing full enrollment w 17 units at uni + an internship i need to put 6-8 hours per week in starting#in august but i wanted a job that i could do long term (or semi long term) bc a consistent income would be nice)#anyway pray for me ill be working retail for the first time ever but im actually excited bc i dont mind the idea of retail work#amber's shit you can ignore
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I hate to admit it but ensemble stars training has genuinely improved my life and it's only been 3 days. Well maybe things were gonna get good anyway but id like to think it's because of the app
#i had a good 2 hour talk with my best friend of 11 years that i talk to maybe a few times a year#made plans to go see a drag show in december/january when i come back home#heard some gossip helped her fill in job applications#then im getting culturally enriched by movies all weekend#i made a new friend in class! and we hanged out for 3 hours one day#maybe you do need to be a bit mentally ill to get mentally well. and if i can say Working Out With Wataru Has Started A Streak Of Positive#Things In My Life. then. thats great#roommate is having a friend over tonight so tomorrow we're allll gonna try to work out in my teeeny tiny room. we'll see...
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well. I added my recent work stuff to my resume today, but then got stressed and didn't even manage to edit it. the day isn't over so maybe I'll get more done, but aaaghaghghaghag
#I thought I just needed to add my new experince and call it good#except it is definitely made for applying to a job not a school#and i dont know how to change it or what all i need to change to make it better#like i feel like i should remove things but then it just seems really empty??#and i am also trying to plan a trip with my mom to go look at one of the schools tomorrow#because i completely forgot that was a thing i should maybe do?#i just started applying places without even thinking about the schools themselves#outside of if they were good/had the programs i want#i didn't look at price or the campus or how big they are or what cities they are in#and the one im looking at with my mom has two campuses and i have to pick which one i want to go to#and trying to figure out which one would be better is very confusing#wish they would just be like you will have access to these facilities at this campus and these facilities at this one#but they dont have that#and then also i need to figure out TA/GA positions and applications#and i am so stressed about that and keep putting it off#but like. i have basically given myself two weeks to get everything done and haven't done any of it yet#and i am going to cry and puke#do i actually think i can do this if the application is making me feel like this?#but i cant back out now because i have told too many people and asked for refernce letters#and also i do want to do it#but then i am also supposed to look for even more schools and have to do all this for them too#*sobbibng*
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First thing to wake me up today was a notif on Indeed from a local job that seemed promising. Brief ramble vent abt it below the cut
He asks when I'd be available for a chat. I give him two different days I know I can do for sure, for something over the phone or in person, either afternoon or evening (bc they claimed early evening was also an option for them.) Notably, none of those dates are tomorrow, because I have stuff to do almost every day of this week and into the weekend, so I wanted to leave that one open for things not already planned/extra less urgent chores/tasks/etc.
I get back, I shit you not: 'ok u call then tomorrow when ur free.'
Note: nothing about this suggests it's a scam listing or anything where I would expect this sudden drop in professionalism (his initial message was a nicely worded email with intro/outro all that jazz lol, and I've replied in kind for each reply to him.)
I reply back again with the dates and times I'm available, explaining that unfortunately I'm not available tomorrow (because I'm genuinely not!!! I need one day without fucking phone calls, during a week when I have multiple ones to make including hours where that's literally all I'll be fucking doing. Like it or not (and I don't), my brain needs to regen some spoons for that so I don't have a meltdown or fuck up the spoons I need to reserve for my work shifts later this week. I also offer to move my schedule around on other upcoming dates, if he can let me know how his schedule is looking.
Now no reply. Like, I get that tomorrow might be his best day, but...I highly doubt I'm the only person who maybe couldn't do that day. Like, in the Before Times of job hunting, that was a part of this process. Each side proposes potential days/times for a phone call or in person interview or whatever that company's Step One is, and if they don't work for either side you offer something else or to try and move your schedule around based on what they tell you. Is this no longer a thing and I just fucked this up or what lmao. I'm hoping he just suddenly got busy and that's the only he reason he dropped off the chat on Indeed, but as of the last couple of years usually that's a sign he's gonna ghost and I'm. So Tired lmao
#text post#im trying to give the same courtesy to him that i expect and was taught to give in this situation towards employers/recruiters#like if every applicant he reaches out to can't do tomorrow is he seriously going to talk to none of us and just. relist the job#i hate that the answer is probably yes and i fucked this but. fuck me i should be allowed to have a say here!!!!!#i don't want to start off on the foot of just going w/whatever they say no matter what i have going on#bc that's how i wound up stressed and overworked and underpaid by dakota eye lmaooo#maybe he's just busy. god pls just be busy with the afternoon and give me a chance dude like any other day that i listed!!!#hell even if he wants one of the days i work i'll try to make it happen for him!! i'll hate it but i'll do it!!!#just fucking. don't ghost me. he's gonna ghost me isn't he :(
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#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage#everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me#bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check#and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info#and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less#expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school#which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there#like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away#or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town#and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown#but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets#its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn#or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep#i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time#so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b#agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling#like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult#cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive#allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity#unrelated
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But I don't waaannnnnna work on this essay that is due tomorrow and worth 30% of my mark and that I haven't even started yet. :( :( :(
#pockets muses IRL#goddamn i gotta do something about leaving shit to the last minute#i spent all day yesterday watching new shows#(im on an actor rabbithole and have discovered some FIRE viewing)#the essay is due tomorrow and ive got a job application i wanna do due today#both of which i shouldve started working on like... tuesday at the latest#alas#twas not to be#honestly im actually continuing to type out these tags as a form of procrastination#this is getting ridiculous
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help girl i think the HR lady from the job i quit is now filling out applications on my behalf
#this is so bizarre#i quit bc i literally physically couldn't do the job like it required strength i do not have#and the HR lady was so insistent that i just find another position at the same place but like....#im not interested in those positions i was interested in the one i applied for#also i literally have an interview tomorrow with someone else?#and just now i got a bunch of automated emails being like 'thanks for starting your application at [x] !'#and i didnt start any............so like............someone else must have On My Behalf#which is so weird and kinda like a violation right
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jesus christ I feel like shit
#thank god for testosterone making me unable to cry like a normal person because I sure would be otherwise#im as close as I can get to it pretty much#cant wait for my mom to get back today or tomorrow and ask me when I start the new job and I’ll just have to say oh yeah :) they never#called back actually :) haha#I know they made it sound close to certain but lol guess not!#kibumblabs#i fucking hate this I hate getting invested in anything and putting in time and effort into shit just to get fucking spat on#just emailed the general hotel email but I doubt that’ll do anything. anything good anyway#cause the restaraunt/club is managed seperately I’ll probably just get the runaround or a ‘I’ll let her know you contacted us’ which#literally never actually means anything#either that or I’ll just be rejected indirectly which won’t exactly make me feel. better#I also applied for the 8000th time to another place for a similar job but I’ve never had luck with this place so that’ll probably also#result in nothing#woohoo it’s fucking September and we’re still stuck at fucking square one! hahaahaahahahaah SO cool#for real it should actually be a fucking legal requirement to give your applicants/interviewees some form of follow-up. it’s just so#fucking degrading to try and follow-up and just being ghosted. like what’s the point of that#it feels simultaneously like rejection and being strung along at the same time. i talked to you in person the least you could do is give#me any kind of update. for the love of god
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#i hate applying for jobs i hate applying for jobs i hate applying for jobs i hate applying for jobs#why should i have to chase ppl or apply for the same job multiple times just 4 someone to acknowledge my application thats so stupid#im genuinely so aggravated rn#why???#like- what is the purpose#them mom calls one place i applied for. says I'm a perfect fit for their store#then *schedules me an appointment with the store manager TOMORROW WITHOUT EVEN ASKING ME*#id like- i dunno a fuckin day or 2 to prepare instead of getting thrown into this like i know what I'm doing#what the hell am i supposed to wear. do i do my makeup. do i have to style my hair like- fucking????#*slams face on table**slams face on table**slams face on table**slams face on table**slams face on table*#i wish i could get paid to just fuckin- exist. bc that in itself is exhausting#elliot rambles#rant in the tags#job rant#delete later maybe
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why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety
#i was supposed to do my first day at the high school today but i had literally so much anxiety i could not fall asleep last night no matter#what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.#i could shut my brain off till i went into the application and deleted my schedule for the day#ive just been feeling so fatigued and exhausted since i got covid it's crazy. sometimes i'll have bursts of energy where im productive#but yesterday i was just so tired from loading the washing machine. just. fucking sorting clothes and putting them in#that i had to lie down on the floor for a few minutes in the middle of it#not my finest moment#tales from diana#i didn't have anything scheduled for tomorrow and i thought 'maybe if i feel better tonight ill call in'#but i dont feel. super better tonight. and the only thing that i could do tomorrow at my preferred school is kindergarten subbing#for like the main classroom teacher. which i havent done before so i figured 'yeah im not gonna get my anxiety up 2 days in a row'#i deserve to sleep tonight after all and i think if i committed to that i wouldnt be able to#but i am going into my elementary school on wed-thur-friday of this week. wednesday is only a half day but they'll probably find smth for me#to do in the afternoon. they usually do. and im fine w that.#idk im just much more comfortable in my elementary school. i guess bc ive worked there before and i went to school there#as a wittle student waaaay back in the day. like i know the building and it doesn't scare me and i know a good amount of kids there#and the staff don't intimidate me. so yeah.#i did schedule my first job at the high school FOR REAL THIS TIME and it's next friday. hopefully ill be doing better by then.#im working the thursday before it at the elementary so i'll be in the rhythm of that. idk how to explain it but it's harder to go back#to work when ive taken a day off. like that's also why im not going in tomorrow.#friday (4/07) was the first day i worked since i got covid and that was fine but also. i was so anxious just to go in.#and so so so so tired when i got home. and all weekend.#yeah i wasn't ready to start working at the high school today. that was nonsense.#hopefully all will go well on wednesday thursday and friday of this week. im trying to restore my energy and fix my sleep. thatll do wonders#i hope. i hope i hope i hope
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i have so much i need to get done today godddddddd
#send help#i gotta do all this job application related shit today and then im tasked for a few things for this weekend for mania week stuff#i can push one thing for tomorrow but pretty much everything else needs to be done today while i have a good computer access ugh#im so tired i dont wanna i just wanna write#cause ofc when i finally get my groove back with that im punched in the face with everything else that demands attention#also annoyed at chris for only selling some shirts in the us shows and not actually in the dbru drop cause ofc i cant have nice things#and im still having other issues with myself on top of being dead tired so like#yeah life isnt fun. i'll hopefully manage for now but jfc#anyways the point of this was please send me distractions so i can take breaks in between working on everything before i lose my mind#night is an absolute mess on main
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I'd hoped drinking coffee would help me do all my shit today instead all I did was nothing but fast
#executive dysfunction is beating my ass today man#im gonna have to break tomorrow down in the tiniest baby steps or im gonna get stuck for a damn week 😭#ok to be fair i did do a lot of duolingo lessons. but i would rather have finished my job applications you know#yrsa rambles
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