#im digging myself into an even deeper hole now

[comas-are-for-sleeping]

honestly its probably good i was either more depressed or not on tumblr as much when i watched raw for the first time

[hypnowave]

mmm. dysphoric

[g4yforethan]

anything

pairing: mike schmidt x male!reader

summary: reader ends up working the late shift with mike and catch feelings for each other

warnings: cursing, top!mike, bottom!reader

a/n: i honestly loved the fnaf movie and josh hutcherson is sooo cuteee istg

“do you want the job or not?” your employer asked you as you sat in his office. this job was your only hope since you had some troubles with your previous jobs and getting fired from every single one for always showing up late. "i mean what do i even have to do?" you were confused. he was offering you a job at an abandoned pizzeria and when you looked it up, it looked like an evil chuck e cheese. he explained the job and you decided to take it. "would i be working by myself?" you asked him. "no no of course not. you're gonna have a buddy to work with. name is mike schmidt. ran into a little trouble but seems like a nice guy." you agreed and got ready for the job.

you arrived at the pizzeria at around 9 pm and saw another car parked and went inside. as you went inside, you saw the whole place truly was abandoned as all the lights were off and the main stage that featured the animatronics was filled with dust and spider-webs. when you went into the security room, you heard a scream as you went in. "AHH JESUS CHRIST." "oh my god i'm so sorry. i guess they didn't tell you you were gonna have a partner huh?" the look on his face said that he didn't know. the both of you laughed it off and started to get to know each other.

“haha so you’ve been seeing anyone lately?” mike asked you. you were taken back by what he said but answered his question. “uhh no i haven’t found the time to do any of that you know.” he nodded his head and started to get closer to you. “well i think a guy as cute as you should already have a boyfriend.” you blushed and turned away so he wouldn’t see but he grabbed your face and looked straight into your eyes. “i’m being serious.” he said to you as you both kept eye contact with each other. he licked his lips and went in for a kiss on your lips.

the two of you began smothering each other with kisses as he grabbed ahold of your face and you grabbed his back. he moaned as you bit on his lip."i'm sorry." you said as you paused to look at him. "don't. i liked it." you smiled and continued kissing each other as he placed you on his desk and removed all the papers that were on it and laid you on your back. he started to take his shirt off as did you and proceeded to give you several hickies on your neck and chest. you moaned as he started playing with your nipples and rubbed them to elevate you. "i wanna fuck you so bad right now." "then do it already." you told him as he quickly understood you and unzipped his pants and you did as well.

he pulled out his long, thick cock and quickly inserted it into your mouth. you began sucking on his dick for a few minutes as he grabbed your hair and shoved it down your throat. you continued sucking before he pulled out. "fuck i was gonna cum. turn around baby boy." you did as he said and turned around and positioned yourself with your ass facing towards him. he started going down and licking your hole and leaving marks on your ass. your moans seemed to turn him on even more as he started digging his fingers inside your hole. you begged him to fuck you already and he listened.

he went in slowly scratching your back and leaving marks all over. he went at an angle that had you hooked and he knew this. he started going at a medium pace, this time grabbing ahold of your waist. he went even deeper digging into your hole as your moans filled the room. he started going even faster and started pulling your hair back with his hands making sure you wouldn’t pull out. “fuck. fuck im gonna cum.” he came inside of you filling your hole with his warm, thick cum. afterwards, the both of you put back your clothes on and laid next to each other on the ground. “you know we should get back to work in case anything goes wrong.” you tell him as mike slowly starts to doze off. “mhm after a quick nap.” he pulls you in and gives you a kiss on your lips and neck before the both of you fall asleep.

[silly-lil-scribbles]

forever gonna be mad at my father for making me unable to ask any questions ever due to being terrified that the person asking is gonna think im just really fucking stupid bc thats the most obvious thing ever. cuz now i keep digging myself deeper and deeper in countless holes bc im pretending to know what the fuck people are even saying but i especially cant ask now bc i have acted like i know what were talking about far too many times. so uh yeah if you wouldnt mind assuming i know absolutely nothing about whats going on ever thatd be very nice yes

[potentially-a-poser]

I have such bad imposter syndrome. I met with my school’s therapist and at one point she said “yeah I just hold out hope that one day your parents will wake up as be like omg look at this awesome child we have” and I was immediately just slammed with a wave of guilt like “oh my god I’ve mislead her”.

In my head I know that I’ve never lied to her, and the only time I’ve ever not told the absolute truth is when I’ve told her about getting bullied and she asks who it was (I may be a lot of things but I’m not a snitch), or if I’ve relapsed and don’t think it was bad enough she needs to know

I got into an argument with a friend a while ago and I was telling her about it and I didn’t show her the texts but I was telling her what happened in a way that is objective as I can because I feel really bad about what I said but Im also upset about being insulted.

At one point she said “you’ve told me you were a bad person in the scenario more than you’ve told me what happened.” And after I’d finished telling her what happened she was like “I mean yeah you were rude but you have every right to be upset.” But now I’ve convinced myself I skewed the story and I’m manipulating her so that she validates me

When I got committed to a psych ward 2 years ago, before I got diagnosed with any of the depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, adhd, any of that, the psychiatrist said “you have imposter syndrome”. I’ve had another psychiatrist and 2 therapists tell me I have imposter syndrome.

I can’t tell whether I’m an actual manipulative narcissist or I’m narcissistic for thinking I could manipulate every mental health professional I’ve come in contact with. I don’t think I could trick 2 phd holding psychiatrists and five or six therapists all of who went to school for 6+ years , as well as being able to trick all my teachers into giving me good grades and college acceptance boards into letting me in, but again I feel like that’s something someone who could do that would say

Even reading back what I’ve written here it seems to me like what someone trying to manipulate people would say. I know I’m not consciously trying to manipulate people, the only time I’ve ever done that is when I was waiting tables and I was god awful at it. But again that last sentence sounds like what someone trying to manipulate ppl into thinking they can’t manipulate ppl.

I don’t know I’m just digging myself a deeper hole in my head. I feel like I’ve tricked everyone into thinking I’m a good person, or I’m smart, or I’m a hard worker.

If anyone knows what to do it would be great. The more I think about it the more confused I am

[fereldanwench]

just some somewhat vague personal life ramblings under le cut:

(cw for mental health stuff) ((im okay now but i definitely wasn't lmao))

i had a really good talk with my brother last week--we were seriously on the phone for almost 4 hours--and I'm not gonna get into most of the specifics, but it was very enlightening and validating on some lifelong struggles we both dealt with in our family and how that's impacted us as adults. (although i think they impacted me more as the oldest daughter.)

more specifically, i did talk a lot about how i was fucking miserable last fall, and i knew i was miserable in the moment, but i don't think i did fully realize to what extent. i just could not dig myself out of the mental hole, and every time i tried, it just felt like quicksand--struggling to get out just made me feel like i was sinking deeper. yanno. classic depression shit.

and a lot of it is related to my professional life. tl;dr - last spring i had to go back to a job i hate because i couldn't find anything else and my husband was about to lose his job at the time, and it's almost been a year and i'm still getting fucked over by being in this psuedo-manager position while i am not being paid for it despite ten months worth of meetings trying to rectify this.

i wanted (still want) out so bad, but i couldn't even update my resume or look at job listings without just completely spiraling. the job-hunting process just felt... worse than being employed at a job i hate, i guess. not feeling like i could find a good match, the stupid corporate lingo in listings, easy applies not actually being easy, recruiters who never actually read my resume, dehumanizing interviews, straight-up scams--i couldn't fucking do it.

and on top of that, i had to carry me and the husband financially for about half a year. i don't want to rehash all that, but suffice to say i just felt like everything was on me, and i had no one to turn to for anything. he did find something that ended up being a really good fit, and he's been working for about 4.5 months now, which did help my mental state a lot. but even that took a while to mend those particular struggles.

but i think having an honest, empathetic conversation about all of this was really what i needed to move forward. i had just been burying so much of this deep down for so long that i was just never in the right mental place to actually fucking deal with it and move on.

and then last night i just got a burst of motivation and finally updated my resume, and i didn't even feel the urge to cry, lmao. not once. still wish evil things on people who write job listings but baby steps.

however, i'm actually not in a huge rush at this exact moment to leave my current job despite my many grievances--we don't get vacation leave until at least a year of employment, so i have to wait until this may to get a whopping two weeks of paid leave. i can stick out another two months for that.

i would like to be out by the end of this summer at the latest, though, and i would l like to not have to rush into another job that'll end up fucking me over one way or another. so i definitely need to start the process now.

and it's basically spring here! i got my little porch garden going yesterday which is like an automatic mental boost. loving the sunshine and warm, but not stiflingly hot, afternoons 💐☀️🌿

[lawtistic]

im named after 2 (now 3) characters from franchises that mean a lot to me personally

- sean diaz from life is strange 2

life is strange 2 means so much to me. i dont know why but i have this deep love for it and its vibes and its revolving cast of characters and most of all i love sean hes just a guy thats trying to do his best by his little brother even if that means indirectly digging himself deeper into a hole

- shaun hastings from the assassins creed series

assassins creed 2 is my facorite game of all time and i grew up with assassins creed and i love it so much. assassins creed taught me SO much about literary and character analysis and i truly think i wouldnt be as cool as i am now without it. shaun specifically isnt that important but hes a sillt british guy with a funny attitude! i love bothering him in the beginning of ac2.

- sean macguire from rdr2

i didn't play rdr2 or know who sean was when i named myself. but after experiencing the game i am completely okay with adding him to my list. rdr2 is such a cool game its ome of the only 3 video games that have ever made me cry (along with life is strange 1 and the walking dead game season 1) and sean is such a silly guy i miss him so much

[chthonic-cookie]

Hi cookie, hopefully you can't tell who I am through this lol.

I'll be honest I feel extremely isolated, and I have no one I feel comfortable talking to in person that isnt an hours drive away. It's extra bad tonight, I pushed another person away because im just so weird (in the bad way)

Do you have any tips on how to cope? I dont know if you've gone through the same thing I am or not, but anything that isnt telling me to fuck off will be appreciated

Honeslty im not the greatest at this sorta thing either, maintaining relationships is pretty hard, sometimes it feels impossible,please don't feel like you're alone in that.

I think i just wanna tell you that it'll pass, even if it feels all-consuming right now, life will change. I've been there, it feels like drowing as you just keep spiraling, but so much of it really is just your head going in circles telling you how much life sucks. Thats not to say there aren't problems, but you gotta realise that this is just a page in the book of your life. Things will get better, trust me.

As for coping with it, i think you really have to just keep moving and pull yourself out. I dont really like the idea of "taking your mind off" your problems, for me I'd rather think of it as getting perspective and stopping all the bad shit from filling up all your mental space. For me it's usually reading or drawing or talking a walk, but for you it might be anything else, just something that isn't doomscrolling, something that can help get you outta the hole instead of digging deeper.

I've been in this sorta spot before, and i'll probably be there again at some point, it's just a part of life, there's ups and downs but we all go through it, you aren't alone. This is just how i deal with it myself, I hope it helps you or anyone else even a little <3.

[aboutitnot]

i don’t even remember what we were talking about at the time

when it happened

but i said something

something that it was clear you didn’t get

or didn’t understand my meaning

and it wasn’t important

and a response clarifying it came to mind and it just

died on my lips.

and in that moment something just

broke.

i felt it break.

just gone.

and i felt it wash over me like it just

wasn’t

worth it

anymore.

and i just didn’t want to anymore.

it wasn’t worth the breath to try and explain myself or try and communicate

it just felt like it didn’t matter anymore.

i remember that exact moment going through things with my dad

when i just felt that it didn’t matter anymore.

and it was over.

now i had that with you.

and i don’t know how long to hold on

and even if trying is still worth it

if it would even get us anywhere.

i dont think im completely ready to tell you im done.

i think part of me is.

but not completely.

and i do want to try counseling together

at least part of me wants to try.

the other part is exhausted and done and ready to call it.

i know it’s going to hurt.

but so does staying.

staying is taking all the life out of me.

it’s turning me hollow.

i don’t know what to do or when.

i should hold on

i should just suck it up and do my own thing

but i don’t want to drag it out and hurt him more.

i don’t want to keep digging myself deeper into a hole.

and i don’t know what will ultimately be better.

whatever happens needs to be for me.

not for anyone else.

me.

fuck anything else.

i don’t have an exit strategy

if i go it’s going to be a free fall out into nothing.

no one is going to catch me.

it might be worse to leave.

i would be really alone.

i would have to cut everything out.

it’s going to hurt like hell.

he’s going to find someone new and when that happens i need to remember how horrible he makes me feel

made me feel.

how much i gave him and how little it ever mattered.

[thathomelessartist]

shit is so fucking hopeless. I cant even load a god damn website to even try to ask for help or help myself. nothing is working and no one gives enough of a shit to give me a straight answer instead of "well, maybe, kinda, I dunno, if the stars align-" bullshit.

Just SAY you don't want to or can't help me don't fucking beat around the bush because you WANT to. You're wasting my time and yours and digging me a deeper hole by investing what little energy i have into your bullshit thinking it'll help.

I hate you people I hate everyone why am I even BOTHERING right now. If I was able to stop fucking begging people for literally anything I WOULD because im tired of this. i would rather do it myself but I PHYSICALLY CAN'T.

I hate being here on this stupid farm I hate this house I hate Tuesday and the dog and whatever the fuck else. I want my own bed. I want friends who actually listen and care. that aren't just bullshitting me. I hate being sick. I hate my stupid mother who couldn't keep her head on straight long enough to actually BE my fucking mom. Or let me help her or anything.

why am I even fucking trying. I dont want to exist anymore. I dont want to keep doing this when I mean literally nothing to the world around me. or to literally anyone beyond me being text on a screen. and not even that anymore.

im going to bed. fuck all of you

[thechaosisgettingexhausting]

I betrayed you

im going to treat this like a letter to my friend that I keep continuing to disappoint but I also want to express my emotions to this whole situation as if im writing them a letter. **disclaimer: I am not home wrecking, my friend was never in a relationship with this man... my friend genuinely hated this man's guts a couple months before this incident, slowly they had to build civility because of mutuals**

hello _______,

I truly want to apologize to you about that weekend, I was acting on my own desires and I was not considering that it was your weekend. even after we had a conversation about this situation I continued to pursue him. you made it evident that you did not want me to be associated with him.

I can imagine your discomfort when you saw I was getting along with someone you did not favor, in no way am I trying to make excuses, but I was under the impression that things were getting better between everyone involved. matter a fact I thought if me and this guy got together maybe the tension would dissipate eventually because then I could gossip to you about him, but I can't.

now this is the hard part, I can't say it in any other way but blunt.

I have been seeing him behind your back. I have been seeing the guy that had caused stress in your relationship. I want to ask you for more details on why he was already on your bad side, other than what I already know, but I know you do not even wanna hear me refer to him.

every message, every second I was had with him felt like I was digging myself a deeper hole, I'm hoping this time im not being blindsided because losing you as friend because of a mf would be a big L on me. but I kept going because he is leading me into stability, I found a comfort in him, he even treats me better than my dad...

we've always had ups and downs but my perception of you never faltered until this. I was very compassionate in the beginning because I was slightly aware of my wrongs and I didn't see you as a person that would treat me worse than some of my exes.

you left me in the dark for 5 days. didn't tell me what I did wrong...when I approached you the day I noticed you were acting cold, you brushed me away just like what my dad used to do when I'd try to communicate with him. you gave me a vague hint to the problem.

you to completely holding that clear communication was so immature and emotionally tolling. the things going on in my life at the time had nothing to do with you but you had no sympathy for what I was struggling with. chose to leave me in the dark and let the anxiety fester. I was crying every day for 1 week before this(my ex) and in a complete mental fog for 2 months because of the mental toll the last relationship took on me. for my best friend of 9 yrs, I never thought you'd ever treat me like those men

even at my worst I wouldn't just discard you or degrade you. I would communicate with you so you wouldn't have to overthink and overthink and overthink about what you could do to fix a problem, a problem I wasn't even aware of. ofc I've talked to my other friends about it, keeping all the information as neutral as I could (they could be biased) but they all said that the way this was handled was meant to cater only to your emotions and how you felt. you didn't even gaf about my emotions or anyone else in the situation. when all this time I was tip toeing to not upset you. I was already used to the way you talked to me so only when I recited what you said to me, to my friends, they were in shock. I didn't even realize how harsh your words were until I said them out loud.

with all the things I already had on my plate, you didn't care to ask anything on my perspective, how I was feeling, you showed a smidge of remorse when you said you were worried about me like how you worry about your younger sister. I didn't feel like I had a place to speak at all.

for you to compare this to the moment with that other dude, was very telling to how low you really do view me. you saying "not to slut shame" then proceeds to say "I feel like you would've immediately gone for him if I didn't tell you how I felt about it" you thought that if you didn't communicate to me your discomfort with him that I would've gotten on him, is that not the point of communicating? was I meant to read your mind?

I have made mistakes in the past that we've addressed and fixed. there's no clean way out of this where you'd still have trust for those around you. or even a place where you'd want to be friends with me anymore.

I can't take back what I did that weekend and the following weeks after, I feel like it's selfish to say I don't regret what I've discovered with him. im a coward because I can't put myself to say this to you. me and the guy have been trying to find ways to communicate with you but you made it evident that you want nothing to do with him

I wanna tell you all the good things he's been doing for me. I want to prove you wrong about him. there's so many good qualities about him that I KNOW you'd be highly supportive of. when I broke up with my ex you even said "you deserve someone who will listen to your words and do what they can to make you feel happy and comfortable", now that I have that person I can't even be excited to tell you about it.

I wish you weren't so spiteful, prideful. idk if you refuse to see it or youre just unaware but the main people involved, hate this position. I can't fully blame you on that part because im the one that pursued him. him and I were the ones guilty for pursuing each other looking away from your prominent disfavor.

I've always seen my friends as great people that I trust to be vulnerable with and now I don't even feel comfortable talking to you because I want to address the elephant in the room but I know you'd explode on everyone if I tried to. I feel like I have no place to speak at all. I feel bad for not communicating with you, im always honest with my friends about my life and for me to hold this large part of my life from you because you don't want to see anything else, is beyond frustrating.

-

to the person reading this on Tumblr: I'm leaving out many things to keep this anonymous so don't assume they're a bad person or anyone involved. I wish I could talk more freely but it would be risking our identities

[namelessmomblog]

hello

i feel so alone right now.. like, i feel like i have no one to talk to. no one understands me. im always wrong, no matter what i do. and im always digging myself into a hole. i cant do anything right, and the more i talk about it, the deeper this hole is. and i dont even know whats bothering me. i think everything is bothering me. but people would think its side effects from alcohol withdrawal, i dont think thats it though. im just in a really dark place right now. no one understands me, and as much as i have ears to listen and support me, i dont think im being heard. especially by the ones who i really want to be heard by. ive tried so hard to just remain silent and suppress these feelings. these feelings have blown up and have caused much hurt, but i still dont feel ok. loose lips sinks ships but, how does one stay tight lipped without losing their sanity?

[raideo]

I put a reigen post in my queue to try and space out the spam ive been hitting yall with and it like almost immediately spit it out anyway LMFAO

[how2bake]

blegh

[skeletorishot]

gougaarrr $!!!!!!!÷

.

[macamellow]