#im desperate to make a life for me
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I LOVE YOU WINTER
I LOVE YOU SNOW
I AM BEING GENUINE I HATED THIS SHIT WHEN I WAS IN HIGHSCHOOL AND NOW THAT I'VE HAD 3 GREEN CHRISTMAS' I FEEL LIKE I TOOK THIS SHIT FOR GRANTED!
#mori speaks#funnily enough i don't have seasonal depression as bad this year#maybe its because i have a goal to work towards#plan to have a car at some point and from there get my own place#im sick of living in someone else's shadow#im desperate to make a life for me#and a secret second thing..
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EXTREMELY REAL MOMENT FROM HIRANO HERE
#'people actually want to kiss the ppl they like?? i thought they made that up??? um. ok now how much of a freak does that make me'#what if they made a character so aroacespec. im not joking this chapter (25) alone is such proof in my mind#im sure plenty of ppl read this and went 'wow the extent of his denseness or whatever is genuinely frustrating' but i have literally done#this many times. i am shaking hands with him emphatically he's literally me i love him. if you've never googled if smth you've heard about#your whole life is actually normal (followed up by 'is it wrong to. Not??') you simply will never understand him like i do#his combo of being super intentionally thoughtful and also never considering things like this are just peak. what a guy#cannot stress enough that this is just about the concept of ppl wanting to kiss each other at all. 25 chapters in#look sometimes you gotta sit down and try to solve a sexuality crisis via increasingly desperate google searches about normalcy. anyway#hirano to kagiura#hirano taiga#sitting around a table w your friends talking about their love lives and going wait they didn't make that up for movies?? also been there#took kagiura's 'i want to marry him i'm in love w him but i haven't even thought about kissing him until now oh god' thing to the next leve#he is SO lost. somebody help him
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atp i would snort reeve tuesti fic like cocaine.
if anyone knows any fics that put reeve through the blender like “Son” by She_sees_in_the_dark or “Through Another’s Eyes” by CorsairOriginal—
i need to see that man under enough pressure to make a diamond crack. For my health.
#reeve tuesti#ff7#ffvii#txt#nah if anyone’s got fic recs PLEASE slide them my way#even if you’re like ehhhhh it’s not exactly what OP was thinking#because i WAS NOT JOKING ABOUT SNORTING REEVE FIC LIKE COCAINE. ITS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE IM CONSIDERING SYNTHESIZING MY OWN REEVE FIC#LIKE WISH DOT COM CRACK. ALIEXPRESS CRACK. THE KIND OF CRACK THAT MAKES YOU RECONSIDER YOUR LIFE CHOICES.#fluff is great and all mad respect to our confectioners in fandom#but i think i’d actually suck dick to feed the part of my brain that needs to see Reeve pushed to his limits#comedy is great too love me some comedy. but yeah i’m fiending for reeve fics and i don’t think that’s even an exaggeration.#*deep breath* SO IF ANY REEVE TUESTI FIC WRITERS ARE OUT THERE LISTENING#IVE GOT 50 BUCKS AN ENGINEERING DEGREE AND I WORK AS A FIRST RESPONDER.#hit me UP#stg ill answer any question you have abt those topics.#idk if i’ve made it clear how desperate i am for reeve fic#I’m writing some reeve fic myself but i’m not a particularly fast writer when it comes to fiction#OH#i can also draw! the pfp is my work but that was like a rly short thing#not exactly representative of my full abilities.#so if you want to see what some of my high effort work looks like hmu i do digital and traditional.#i’m dead serious abt all of the above. i’m kind of broke so i got maybe 50 $ a month to drop on this at most.#but everything else is a free resource baby.#hi you’ve made it to the end! thanks for reading my deranged tags#i’m clinically unwell about reeve tuesti.#anyways live laugh reeve!
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SEL MY SEL …….. crawling over here for the ask game …………… you already know . who i’m going to ask for phdkdjdkdb IN MY DEFENSE I WILL NEVER GET OVER YOUR VERSION OF HIM !!!!!!!
….. sugu ….. with ’sun’ ……. maybe 👉👈
(🍵 <- a little matcha for your troubles … good luck with the writing exercises my loveee <33 i’m cheering you on!!!)
ARI 🥹🥹🥹🥹 hehe ofc i shall write sugu for u! writing him is always so fun 🥹 thank you for the prompt, and for the matcha!! i will be sipping it as i write this 🥹 it is not a trouble at alllll!! esp if it's for youuuuu 🫶
contains: beautiful, gorgeous, sexy neighbor suguru, mood can be a bit unsettling... honestly a little stockholm syndrome-y (does this count as dark? idk 😭), skewed concept of reality and time
suguru + sun
you move into a new neighborhood on your 24th birthday.
it's a quaint house, fully furnished with wooden panels lining its contemporary build. you consider yourself lucky for finding a place this well-kept at the price point you offered. you're honestly surprised that suguru, your now landlord, accepted your application.
the area sits a few kilometers on the outskirts of the city, but it feels neither too quiet nor too busy; a perfect balance with an impressive view of the rising sun this early in the morning. that, and the people seem friendly, greeting you as they pass by. they even offer to help you haul things out of your car and into the house.
to the right of your house is one that holds the same design elements at yours, although a bit darker in its tones. it's sleek and modern, befitting of a bachelor.
"you must be the new tenant," a voice speaks from behind you, syrupy and smooth. you didn't even hear his footsteps.
when you turn around, you're met with a tall man who greets you with his arms held behind his back as he tilts his head low. there's a calmness that radiates off him, a sort of gentleness that signals he’s someone you can trust.
you nod, introducing yourself with your hand outstretched towards him.
"suguru," he replies as his fingers grab yours delicately. your eyes widen in surprise, recognizing the name, and he merely chuckles in return, a soft laugh that brings out kindness in his eyes.
"i should greet you properly," he lets go of your hand, placing it back behind him. "hello, new neighbor."
.
over shared breakfasts by your porch and impromptu dinners over at his, you grow a liking to suguru. he's polite and thoughtful, often knocking at your door in the mornings to offer you a cup of tea to watch the sunrise.
"you'll only find sunrises like this here," he leans back on the wooden chair you set out as outdoor furniture. his head tilts towards you slightly, impossibly close as you notice the corner of his lips curl up into a small grin.
hues of pinks, purples, and orange blend to illuminate his face perfectly. the sun is beautiful in front you, peeking between clouds as it inches away from the horizon, but something about him is infinitely more magnetic. your stare is immediately drawn to his lips, smooth and supple, before it meets his gaze.
you don't know what's worse―wanting to lean in or be pulled by the look in his eyes.
he fixes things that break in your home, always somehow knowing just when to show up. at first, it was your windows, the one by the attic, too high and dangerous for you to climb; then, it was your kitchen sink, its pipes regurgitating the water going down the drain. he's begun to bring you your groceries too, often asking for a list of what you need when he makes trips out of town.
your days blur easily when you're with suguru, and time passes almost fleetingly as you find your hours filled with soft laughs and touches so delicate you sometimes wonder whether they're real.
it should be noted, you think, how much time has passed since you first met him―an anniversary of some sort.
.
you learn that he owns both houses―his and the one you're currently renting. it once belonged to a friend who had to move for bigger, greater responsibilities elsewhere, he'd said.
"why did you decide on renting?" you ask him one night, over wine and candlelight.
your fingers fiddle with his as he sits you on his lap, this thing between you growing more intimate lately. he rubs his thumb along your thigh, resting his chin by your shoulder.
"you could have sold it or something."
he presses his lips gently on your collarbone.
"i could've," his fingers trail up to your waist, crossing your chest before landing on your chin, cupping it lightly to face him. your heart is hammering in your chest, senses on fire as his nose kisses yours. you think you can count every mole that dots his face beautiful. then, he inches closer, lips grazing yours as he whispers, "but i was waiting for you."
.
you mark each day at sunrise.
your digital clocks and calendars stopped working after some time, but you don't mind. suguru always tells you what date it is when you ask.
this morning, you wake up in his bed, and the sun is still as breathtaking as you remember it, the same pink, purple, and orange hues streaming through his window. when you look closely, the clouds―
"good morning," he brings you tea in bed, his hair topped off with a bun, a half-up-half-down.
your stomach fills itself with something warm and fuzzy as you smile at him, "morning."
"slept well?" his hand reaches for your waist under the duvet, and you giggle, ticklish.
"very," you crane your neck to land a soft kiss on his lips. "what date is it today?"
"october 28," he supplies.
your eyebrows shoot up as you realize, "i have to bring my car to the mechanic."
it's been 6 months now since your last check, right before you moved, and though you barely use your car anyway, it's best to be safe.
you quickly move to get up but suguru's hand keeps you in place, firmly pressed on your waist.
"i'll do it," he says with a smile on his face, "you rest here."
.
you barely see your other neighbors except for the girl who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day and the twins down the street.
when you ask suguru about it, he dismisses the question quickly, saying, "must have moved," as he urges you to take another sip of your tea.
you dream of them that night, on bare streets; it wakes you in a cold sweat, the image of your neighborhood reduced to just your house and suguru's.
.
this is the 200th sunrise since you started counting, which means this is the 200th day since you and suguru officially got together. kind of.
your gift for him is a painting of the sunrise, because it reminds you of him; and because it's become your favorite thing to look forward to, too.
the pinks and purples blend together beautifully as it contrasts with the orange hues, and the sun continues to peak above the horizon as it settles between clouds.
suguru kisses you when you give it to him, the taste of tea right on his tongue.
he frames it on his bedside, and when you wake in his room the next morning, it greets you along with the back of his head, fast asleep.
your eyes flit to the view outside his window, the same pinks, purples, and orange hues. you tilt your head curiously, brows furrowing. the sun stays at the same spot above the horizon, and when you look at the painting again, the clouds hold the same position and shape.
a chill washes over you, your hearbeat pounding.
.
"what date is it today?" you ask suguru as you wash the potatoes in the sink.
another bag of groceries from suguru. now that you think about it, you don't think you've ever gone to the grocery store since moving.
"is it important?" he responds, slightly snappy. you've begun to notice that he hates it when you ask lately.
you eye him from the side.
"i was thinking of preparing a menu of what we'll eat during the holidays, if it's near."
the furrow on his brows smooths out as you give your answer, and so he says, "december 5."
and you know something is wrong, because that can't be it. it doesn't make sense with the sunrises you've counted.
.
you dream again, more and more as the days go by―dirt roads and your house and suguru's, run-down and empty. more things start breaking in your apartment, and suguru always knows when they need to be fixed.
there's a deep, twisting feeling in your stomach that intensifies, festering under your skin; it worsens in the mornings, when you sit with suguru at your porch and you think you see a crack in the sunrise.
.
sunrise valley the place where the sun never sets! ─── beautiful, bright, and destined for people who live just like you! find your new home here.
[DISCONTINUED] — FOR DEMOLITION ON DECEMBER 7. under investigation for suspicious spiritual activity and missing persons.
#suguru x reader#jjk x reader#shotorus.workbook#waaah i hope u like this ari!! its a little bit (really) different from the genre i typically write#but i was talking to niku abt it and she urged me to push for this kinda strange kinda spooky one#its not fwb sugu like how i normally write him but i hope it's still /him/ yk ? sAWB#some stuff about the blurb: he's not human ! he's a spirit ! not necessarily evil but i think definitely a little bit possessive#he lures people in and builds that 'neighbourhood' around them; kind of like a simulation ? the tea he serves is meant to keep#the people hallucinating !#and also in real life before all of this went down reader was looking for a home and saw the listing#reader sent an application without visiting bc desperate ! (idt u should ever do that irl tho haha) but yeah#so when reader drove up the first time to the location it was actually just a dirt road#but theres some magic juju at a border that makes reader pass out ! and he feeds them the tea and thats how reader thinks that#they drove all the way to the house and everything . basically believes in whatever suguru makes them see#there are lots of details i included that kind of mean smth more later on but i wont list them here anymore ! i hope u catch them eheh#the lore of the neighborhood is that satoru and suguru were gonna build it together but they had a falling out (haha)#bc of difference in opinion hahah and so the plan never really went thru and suguru got hella stressed by it and so on and on and on#which is why his spirit is here !#i had to cut it short ! bc it would have been hella long 😭 but i would have added more stuff in between if ever#if u have any questions abt this lmk ! whbshfbash i hope u like it wahhh its really different from what im used to writing!#ari.🦔#ask#rep#twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat
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wip wednesday - silly 'lg is secretly a catboy' excerpt 🤍
i remembered wip wednesday is a thing so here's a little snippet!! i'd like to make wipweds a habit cos it's fun sharing my writing hehe :D
From front of house, Cheng Xiaoshi watched as he blinked, slow at first, then a little faster as his nose scrunched up and he let out a little kitten sneeze. Something so disarmingly endearing froze Cheng Xiaoshi in place. He ignored the whistle of the boiling water in the kettle until Lu Guang, looking at Cheng Xiaoshi who was fixated on him, said:
“Xiaoshi, the kettle is done.”
“Oh,” he said. Scratching at his hair a little sheepishly, feeling like he’d been caught.
“Coffee before tomorrow would be nice.”
“Yeah, yeah, got it.”
He handed him a mug, their fingertips grazing as he did so. Lu Guang bowed his head slightly, in silent thanks, and set it down on the coffee table to let it cool a little. He never did like drinking his hot beverages straight away, glancing at his watch as he set it down and letting it cool for two or three minutes before deeming it the perfect temperature. On the other hand, Cheng Xiaoshi thoughtlessly drank whatever was handed to him, tongue be damned. Because of this, Lu Guang had long lost his sympathy for when his tongue got burned. Didn’t stop him from complaining of course.
Today was no different — arms crossed, Lu Guang waited for his drink to cool. And at this moment, Cheng Xiaoshi saw an opening.
#link click#shiguang#shiguang dailiren#ness lc tag#my wrtitng#wip wednesday#here's to maybe making wip wednesdaying a habit ? idk we will have to see !#i am also totally procrastinating oops uni work is stressing me out currently 🥲#this is a relatively unsilly excerpt i just realised... im worried my sillier sections are only funny to me pls 😭#so u get slice of life shenanigans instead#this fic is like what if a borderline crack taken seriously concept was actually a slice of life about desperately craving affection#and ur best friend secretly being a catboy.#those two things are related
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okay maybe an unpopular opinion but i think shiori shouldn't actually like hiei that much
#not for any real reason but because i think it's funny personally#kuwabara being the only one at her wedding<3 he's her favorite#she likes yusuke (seems to be kurama's first actual friend (he wasn't at the time))#she loves kuwabara okay. bc ik his ass is such a suckup and he's motherless#and desperate for an adult woman in his life that isn't gonna do wwe moves on him#not that shizuru isn't everything to him but hey it can't hurt to have shiori pinch his cheek and offer him sweets#also unimaginably funny to me to think THIS is very hiei loses to kuwabara#kuwabara who's always getting bypassed by him tripped and dodged#this is what has hiei fuming whereas kuwa barely registers there's some sort of competition#hiei is sour because he knew kurama first yet shiori is just. polite with him#and he with her!! he thinks she's okay he guesses#doesn't really understand why kurama changed his entire self cos of her but alright#he gets it family is family he just doesn't talk to his so 💥#shiori's general reaction being ''im sure he's lovely''#kurama is not helping hiei get points by the way#very ''if you can't be normal go away <3'' about it which is why kuwabara gets 5 stars from both mother & son#and hiei gets a whopping zero#once she heard scuttling on the roof thought they had squirrels kurama checks#and is like im sorry mother ive told hiei to stop storing things in the gutters. takes down a bunch of weird shit#just random human shit he's found. possibly stole. he thinks it's endearing probably#i don't remember where i was going with this really#just. imagine how funny it would be if for once hiei actually gaf what a human thought about him#and she just thinks he's mid. kinda weird but that's alright shuichi we all have our quirks#qeued post#yu yu hakusho#hiei and atsuko on the other hand? god have mercy they get along GREAT 🤕#I'll have to make another post abt that tho this is already way too long
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(reads my own fic) woah. I'm so good at my job
#im so ngl though. i entirely forgot i wrote that one#like when i posted it i thought it was kinda mid and i think i like. banished it from my awareness#and just set it loose into the currents#apparently people really like it!!! im glad yall enjoy it!!!#ik anyone not following me wont see this but uhhhh#did you know that only on like my 20th new file did i realize hadvar is. following the convoy#at the beginning#somehow i never connected like. him parking his horse where it glitches into your face as him being with you#like i just figured he rode in from somewhere else in the fort#need yall to know that i had an entire fucking draft going for that thing where hadvar begs for reassignment#desperately#when he reads over the prisoner list and gets threatened with insubordination--over an enemy no less#and like he was up all night sobbing his little heart out about how he was killing his beat friend#and i was ALMOST DONE WHEN I REALIZED HE HADNT BEEN COMING FROM THE FORT#HE WAS BEHIND US#WHICH MEANT. RAGH (throws writing tools off desk)#unless i actually posted that one too and just completely forgot#but i think it was the og draft for the hadlof intro angst post#<- guy with memory issues#wish i had writing ideas more often tbh but i gotta sit on something for like. months#cant make a simple post to save my life unless its abt celann and even then its only simple bc i cannot coherently elaborate
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the lesser known did symptom of not knowing anything about your life because not only do you not remember anything (and the memories you Do have are heavily fragmented so you have no idea when they occured), but you also consistently destroy all traces of yourself during dissociative episodes. rip every diary ive tried to keep and almost every social media account. i will never know what i got up to or who i was during those years
i have a spreadsheet i use for documenting memories that turn up before i can forget them again. where i also do my best to estimate what year or season or month they came from. but its all just such a mess. even 2021 onwards which are supposed to be my therapy years are very very patchy. i wish i could just know my life
#kostik speaks#having a moment#is it fucked up that the vast majority of what i can place on my life timeline is directly lifted from the internet archive#where i desperately try to remember old urls and see if any evidence of my existence has been immortalised#just so i can know what i was doing. and who i was. and what i was going through. when.#anyway#im so upset about how much evidence of myself ive destroyed now that im finally trying to put the pieces together#just because i refused to accept that was me and i took it upon myself to delete the old mes from existence#over and over again#because reading what id written and identifying with who i was was immensely dysphoric and distressing#any sort of life history is just. not there#i try very hard but i rely a lot on other people and archives that i cant wipe myself#because otherwise the pieces of my memory just dont work and none of it makes sense#its tough#just had to ask my mother when my grandmother died#it was really not long ago#because it was a significant event. i have a memory fragment of learning the news. i have no idea when it was though#maybe learning the time of year will explain some things. heres to hoping#im venting ignore me#i must have asked her before already but! youll never guess. i forgot#so i asked again and this time ill get it on the spreadsheet#so maybe i can build up a small timeline of that section of the year around that date#thats what im hoping. heres to hoping
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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this show is melting my fucking organs
#SOMEONE HELP MY BABYGIRL KAIJI BEFORE I RIP MY FINGERNAILS OFF#i just finished s1 ep15 btw. like ik it HAS to get worse but it's been so harrowing so far#he doesn't even have that scar (see image) yet. he's gonna keep having experiences i just know ituhhhhhhhhhhhghhh#kaiji ultimate survivor#kaiji itou#losingmy fuckignd mind somebody help him please#hguhhhhhhhhHhhhh#jesus fucking christ#i feel like that tweet/format was made for him like he just cannot be having a normal one at all#extremely attached to him already i need him to be okay#ive been interrogating what about it is SO good as ive been watching it and like. gwuagh#'psychological thriller' my psychology is getting its fucking ass kicked!!!!!!!! IT'S NOT THRILLING LET ME OUT (<- thrilled)#having One Main Character diminishes some of the stress of a death game but also allows for greater endearment (avoiding what im gonna call#the saw problem) but it's so emotionally intense for him and us that what happens to the others IS of great importance to us#what he experieneces deeply affects him going forward and sticks with him so it doesn't feel like useless tragedy#and his kindness and desperation making him get Right Up To The Line Of Killing but never quite crossing it (thus far) feels so much more#real than other characters' to me. and there's more initial understanding/endearment for the side characters bc we understand thru kaiji an#real life how these ppl have been manipulated and exploited. we know their fear and desperation intimately#which makes it hard to hate anyone even when they do cross lines kaiji wouldn't. desperation is dehumanizing!!!#they do not have the luxury of being morally clean and that's real as fuck!!!!#there's a lot more going on here but it's so sick i can't believe it's taken me years to watch it gAUGHHHHH#it's so deeply human to me and i've been Actually Yelling In My Home about it all day#fkmt#(<- this appears to be the tag of choice o7)
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Comte Election Story, 6th Anniversary Event (JPN 2023)
I managed to get Comte's collection story during the 6th year anniversary event in the JPN version of the game. As usual, my translation skills are rudimentary at best, so this is just a rough/general sense of the contents. Rest of the translation is below the cut:
Sweet and lovely, our everyday life is irreplaceable. After becoming a vampire, I’ve lived with him forever like this. I seek out more and more of the man I love than anyone else--
Comte: Good morning, MC. You’re up very early today.
I went down to the dining room a few hours before dawn--only to find Comte nursing a teacup gracefully at one end of the table.
MC: Good morning. I managed to wake up somehow…how about you?
Comte: Actually, I just got back.
When I asked, he told me that the host of the party started talking to him all night, and they didn’t part ways until after midnight.
Comte: I was going to finish this cup of tea to unwind, and then try to rest til noon.
He runs a hand through his freshly washed hair and brings the cup to his mouth in a series of elegant gestures that makes me fall in love with him all over again. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been up all night, but my heart readily starts beating faster.
Even Comte seems to notice my reaction…
Comte: …looking at me like that, are you seducing me?
Comte's eyes narrowed mischievously and he left his cup behind to approach me. A beautiful beast gazed at me as if to take aim at his prey, and he drew me in with supple hands.
MC: I didn’t intend it that way but…it’s true that I'm captivated. Your damp hair and lovely gestures are so sexy that I’m at a loss…
Comte: Saying such a thing…you’re a naughty woman, MC. Even though I tried to quell my ardor with a cold shower and hot tea...I’m glad to hear it, even though I’m far from calm.
When I raised my head--having looked down in bashful embarrassment--I can see burgeoning in Comte’s eyes an indisputable, feverish desire…
MC: Ah, mm…
His soft lips playfully brushed against the nape of my neck.
Comte: No one else would be awake at this hour…though we could be interrupted any moment. Make sure to keep your voice down.
He chuckled a little before a hot sigh caressed my skin, dropping kisses one after another. He circled around the usual place he’d sink his fangs into me, and every brush of his lips made heat gather low in my body…
MC: So impatient…Abel…
Comte: …I’ve been waiting for you to give it to me
The corners of his lips lifted a little, before he buried his fangs into my neck.
MC: Mn, ah…aaaahh…
Comte: I love you so much...and whenever we aren't together, I’m starved of you. We were miles apart all night yesterday. I’ll show you just how much I missed you.
His voice--half-intoxicated with the ecstasy of my blood--was sweet and husky with his desire.
Comte: Before you, I’m always a love-starved beast.
As I gaze into those eyes burning with emotion, an electric sensation tingles down my spine.
(Ah, I’m just the same. It’s not only my heart, my body is always seeking you out too.)
MC: Me too…all day and night, I’m always thinking about you…
Comte: --Come here. Take as much of me as you want
At his encouragement and incitement, I sink my fangs into him.
MC: ah, ha…
Pleasure washes over me in an endless cascade, every sensation in my body heightened and sharp. I clenched my hands tighter through his wet hair, and dug my fangs into him greedily to devour that wellspring of ecstasy.
Comte: I'm happy to be able to share love with you like this, as a vampire.
Like drops of water moistening desiccated earth, every crimson drop fills us to the brim--
#ikevamp#ikemen vampire#ikevamp saint germain#ikevamp comte#ikevamp mc#comte propaganda#if you can't already tell from the contents of this one--i straight up died after reading it#THE IMPLICATIONS. FOAMING AT THE MOUTH.#the way they're both dancing around it. MC trying to be strong and endure properly (girl same) and. comte.#THE WAY COMTE BASICALLY STARTS SHAKING HIS ASS LIKE ONE OF THOSE BIRDS OF PARADISE. I AM UNWELL (AND ECSTATIC).#THE WAY HE WANTS HER TO WANT HIM AS INTENSELY/DESPERATELY AS HE DOES HER. THE WAY HE RELISHES HER BITING HIM HARD.#IM NEVER GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS ONE#ive legit just been that ace attorney meme with phoenix holding his head in his hands for DAYS#dare i even mention 'make sure to keep your voice down.' SIR. SIR ARE YOU SRS RN#man the way in purple moon event he was like 'oh nooooo haha no hank pank in public where we might get caught that's too inappropriate~ owo#I SEE YOU ABEL. I SEE YOU MONSIEUR LE COMTE DE SAINT GERMAIN.#I SEE THAT U SIT UPON A THRONE OF L I E S#i hope whoever writes comte as unhinged as possible over at jpn cybird gets a god damn raise#i have never in my life been so directly catered to in one chara i swear#'loved-starved beast' ILL DO YOU ONE BETTER COMTE JUST LET ME IN. LET ME IIIIIIIIN!!!!!!#straight up ive said it before and ill say it again#that's my emotional support softcore yan meow meow golden retriever#every event im like 'hope this doesn't awaken anything inside me.' and then immediately its just 'failed step one.'#although all jokes aside i do find it endlessly fascinating about the purebloods how like#while they don't experience as much bloodlust there is this acute sense of biting as a vital expression of romantic interest and/or claim#i dont think its a throwaway line that comte says at the end--id actually argue a lot of his desire for intimacy when she's human (cont.)->#is because he feels a level of insecurity in his connection to her caused by the lack of shared/reciprocated biting#you know now that has me wondering if that's part of why other purebloods frown so heavily upon the idea of a pureblood/human couple#basically because they can't fulfill the most basic tenet of what it means to be coupled in that community's perception#yeesh ikevamp really went 'welcome to normative vampire politics' and im like 'I Am So Normal About This. (lie + analyzes)'
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ed cw for safety
how come every time i am hungry but have to wait for a mealtime (e.g. girlfriend is going for a run first) i have to try to rederive the concept of a small immediately available food item, and fail
#i just can't figure out snacks. i don't know.#sweets will make me feel unwell if i am very hungry when i eat them. chips make me feel unwell no matter what. i hate pretzels#it can't be anything perishable because i only need and want a snack every couple of weeks and i throw out most perishable snacks#cheese makes me sick enough i only want to eat it on considered deliberate delicious occasions not bc im desperate#things that need cooking need cooking#at which point i should be cooking the meal.#is there such a thing as a snack with no perishable components that is not sweet or a chip or a pretzel and doesn't have any cheese#i really like food but i like meal food. snacks are confusing and largely unappetizing to me which makes my life SO HARD for NO REASON#i want to just already have pasta. but i can't have pasta until later. so i have to come up with some whole additional food to want?#wearisome. excessive.#box opener
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ok but blatantly and inarguably a lot of "accepting" parents would rather their children be ~nonbinary~ and/or ~nontransitioning~ than binary transgender, and this doesnt devalue exorsexism (not only because it is another form of exorsexism) but because it is a fact
#when i was first talking to my mother about being transgender she struggled with it a lot#and she Asked why i couldnt just “be nonbinary” because that would be easier for *her* to 'deal with'#and my parents are currently accepting but that is still a thing transgender youth have to deal with#the fact that some binary trans people feel the need to misgender themselves in order to make cis people feel more comfortable#because *cis* people view nonbinary trans identities as 'less extreme' or 'less trans'#and that is both transphobia and exorsexism on the part of the cis person!!!#why must we blame other trans people for the situations cis people put us into#and to bring up some other bullshit i was whining about yesterday#being told that *really* got to me. because i didnt choose any of this!#if i could just not be trans and not have to deal with all of the pain i would have!#it has made my life endlessly difficult! if i did have a choice i dont see why i would have chosen to be trans#my family was desperate for a baby girl. all of my aunts and uncles wanted a girl child but they couldnt get one. until my parents#and im just throwing that all away#why would i do that on purpose. disappoint my entire family like that#anyways#got sidetracked#thats not the point#im gonna go eat breakfast ahahah
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IF INSTAGRAM BITCHES STILL WANT TO DISCOURSE 'PICKMES' IN MF 2023 OK HERE WE GO. I have many thoughts about how 'feminist' criticism of 'im not like other girls' is centered around the idea that the only reason why a teenage girl could ever feel like this is being motivated by 'male attention' alone, and never ever because, at that age they dont have much better language to describe the feeling of alienation from the gender roles and expectations on what it means to be a 'girl'. If u throw the term 'internalized misogyny' around so much it should not be hard for you to understand that women and even little girls are socially conditioned to reinforce the patriarchy, women are the guard dogs of the patriarchy actually. Like this is 101 shit to anyone that thinks they get to call themselves a 'feminist'. Little girls who are raised to believe that 'girls' should always be put together, not act up, obsessed with their looks, have to like pink and 'girly' stuff and its abnormal if they do not will often bully and ostraticize girls who dont conform or care about this type of social expectations and standards (depends on your environment, maybe you were lucky enough to not go to school with such girls, but it doesnt mean they dont exist). Like you are 6 years old and everyone ever gives you all clothes everything ever in pink like other colors dont exist - some kids have a very strong gut reaction to being told they 'have to' like something which is why so many girls had a long phase of hating the color pink. 'You HAVE TO like it as a girl' 'no, the fuck, i dont' is a reasonable reaction. These girls are told they are weirdos for being 'not like other (REAL) girls' because they dare to not like wearing hair in braids and skirts feel uncomfy to them since the beginning but if they choose to reclaim it and take pride in the fact they can just be themselves without caring what they are supposed to be like as 'girls', its them who have an internalized misogyny problem, never the girls who bullied them for being bad at makeup, right? 'Its not that all girls are this or that' they are fucking kids and teenagers and society was telling them all girls are this or that since day 1 and they ended up believing it, boo hoo. Performing feminity is unrealistic and hard enough for children that they feel alienated from the idea they are a 'real' girl. This brutal enforcement of 'feminity' which is an abstract concept as default in women and girls causes so much needless division between girls/women, it all causes needless polarization over the fact that we are human beings with different aesthetics, fashion, hobbies, temperaments, interests, personalities. We are made to feel like we dont belong, like we are freak abomitations who will never be 'real' women if our hair is messier and we dont care about having our nails done. How about that, how is none of that ever a part of the discussion. And some will say oh these girls were probably lesbian/bi/non-binary/trans dudes, but like my point here is that this shit is 100% alienating for cishet women as well and it doesnt make u inherently trans or something to not like pink and makeup lmfao
#and even the male attention part is partially motivated with the fact they dont have girl friends and are desperate to make friends#so theyll try being friends with boys since girls ostracized the shit out of them?#i feel like this discourse in early 2010s wasnt 1% as idiotic as its become nowadays. 'If U DoNt LiKe TsWiFt u HaVe InTeRnaLiZeD MiSoGyNy'#like im not saying the girls who do the bullying are necessarily the american high schoolbmovie bimbo cheerleader types either#but dont tell me teenage girls who will act like another girl going to school with greasy hair once in her life is something worthy of#mocking her about for over half a year are like.... not a thing n uve never met those lol
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hm.
#if you find yourself worried that growing in faith will remove parts of your personality becayde you might suddenly lose interest in#what makes you you#thats something you really have to like Investigate. deep down. because in the end even if you change a bit you will be Better. l#like you will be where God wants you to be#the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked etc#like i GET IT but also . growing in faith doesnt make you a Totally Different Person it doesnt take away all your interests#maybe it changes how you interact with them and the importance you place on them but like#me being more spiritually mature than i was a year ago doesn't mean that im not interested in poetry anymore or i dont like all the media#im invested in anymore#EVEN when i felt called to stop listening to secular music#i was like oh well ill just be boring now#no girl theres worlds out there of good music by christian artists you just gotta find it#anyways. this is rambly#i cant really make this concise#but really like. sometimes you gotta reconsider your priorities#God created you as you are WITH your personaliyy#sure we were born in sin etc but your personality being sanctified does not mean that you will lose it#yk#anyways#reminds me of this story abt a guy asking an older brother about if he should be listening to secular music#and the brother was like . ok well first off answer me this#if God told you to only listen to ska music for the rest of your life would you listen#and the guy was like ?? what??? no???#and the brother was like well then you still place your preferences higher than Gods#kind of silly and i do still think theres nuance in the music thing#but like. Yk. The Basic Idea
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