#im dealing with a decent amount of trauma

[bittersweetblasphemy]

hey sorry you're sick bud. what's your oc with the most tragic backstory? vs an oc with a relatively chill past?

the most tragic? woof that's a tough one. and i'm gonna use it as an opportunity to infodump about a lot of OCs lol

most of my characters have at least some level of trauma. i mean just going through my works (and not touching reader characters):

your First Mate in LLTQ comes from a species known for stealing people away to use as brood queens and where said Queens are usually not consenting, then was sent off to perpetuate that same cycle completely alone for the first time in his life. one has to wonder what he went through to decide your consent actually mattered to him.

Hulo was once a human man whose literal humanity was slowly stripped from his soul and eaten over the course of decades

David's no-contact with his family. mom was neglectful from the beginning and cares more about his half-siblings than him. step-dad is some ex-military jackoff who thinks he's a loser who will never amount to anything. doesn't have many memories of his bio dad who just up and left when he was three

Brizeth and Colovan i won't say much about bc i'm actually going to talk about this in the next chapter for B&D. what i will say is that their childhood was fucked up but also a completely normal childhood for demons like them, so is it really that tragic? 🤔 (and bc im sure people's minds are going there, no, there is no CSA involved despite them being concubi)

Adrian is a fallen angel whose anger got his wings ripped off

Hector watched his first love die

Malak is the bastard child of a palace concubine who very conveniently isn't around anymore so you do the math

Tuq left his herd to live completely on his own due to rampant transphobia

Sasha got his scars from attempted murder via arson by homophobic wannabe monster hunters who were hoping to kill him and Theodore

Viktor's big sister, who he looked up to, was killed by a werewolf hunter

the imps in QR paint a pretty clear picture of the hell (literally and figuratively) they'd lived through before being taken in by Horace

where do i even start with Arro? [1][2][3][4]

but ultimately if i had to pick, i think i'd pick Gage. they were kidnapped and sold into forced sex work where all of their memories of their prior life were completely wiped, effectively factory reset, and they frequently deal with trauma by just erasing memories they can't handle. this includes deleting any knowledge of entire people and friendships because they were either killed or committed suicide, and Gage would rather forget than deal with the pain of missing them.

and while they may not have those direct traumatic memories haunting them, they're perfectly aware of the gaps in their memory and what they mean, which just strikes me as particularly sad.

Chill backstories? I mean,

Willow had a normal childhood and learned her love of gardening from her mom and dad, who she has a good relationship with

Marius came from a decently well off family and just liked having sex enough to make a profession of it

Ahlex grew up in a world with UBI, Universal Healthcare, and where there's always plenty of food and fresh water to go around, so despite being raised by his single disabled mother, he had a pretty easy time growing up

Marble and Button were childhood friends that fell in love as they got older

ignoring the tragedy that led to his current position as Malak's guard, Bic had a great childhood and was being mentored to be a clan storyteller, which is a very highly respected position in goblin clan hierarchy

Nina lived a comfortable life with her mother and father, who taught her the art of monster hunting and also impressed upon her the importance of the honor code she still lives by.

anyone else who i haven't listed either has their chill backstories at least alluded to in their fic (like Melia), or i just haven't given them a backstory yet

[organicfishass]

Just in case any of you want a glimpse into how terrifyingly brain-washing serving an LDS mission is:

I consistantly self-harmed while serving, (very discreetly, so that my companions wouldn't notice) yet the thing that filled me with enough fear and guilt and worry that I sought help from my Mission President was the fact that I'm gay. So.

[jjkyaoi]

ok tbh i thought it was just a dsmp fandom thing but in general why is it so common for people to like. shit on traumatized characters when they don’t behave,,,,in a docile way. like, i’ve seen way more acceptance and love for characters across the board when they’re portrayed as meek little uwu sad stereotypes that can’t do anything on their own, and yet there’s not nearly as much sympathy for characters who lash out and toe the line for what is and isn’t “acceptable” when they’re traumatized. like….why is it such a common thing that people are so ready to back up a character when they’re docile and meek from being traumatized and yet not when their trauma responses r they exact opposite. when it’s angry, and real, and they can’t be babied. like….if you only wanna deal with people who have trauma when they’re docile and easy to baby and yet don’t want to put up with any of the other signs that aren't that, then im gonna nave to ask you to to stay the fuck away from me loool /nbh

and its not even like— you dont even have to excuse somebody's shit actions, thats not even the point of what i’m saying, i’m just saying be a decent fucking person and maybe don’t give up on people when they’re hurting, in general, and when you can’t baby them?? maybe stop the double standards because it’s fucking weird?… man, the amount of people i’ve seen in the dsmp fandom—and it’s not just in the dsmp fandom but i’m a fucking dsmp blog so whatever—sympathize with traumatized characters and be apologists for them when they’re acting meek, and yet turn around the second it doesn’t stay that way— the second the character exhibits what they could determine as ugly behavior and start slandering them?? like, let’s fucking take c!tommy for example. during exile there was so many people sympathizing with him, there was so many people defending him and watching his streams and making sad posts about the horrible shit he was going through, because yes it was horrible, and yet the second the aftermath of doomsday happened— the second tommy “betrayed techno”— which he didn’t even do , but i’m not gonna get into that, that discourse is genuinely the bane of my fucking existence— it was like everyone suddenly dropped their sympathy and started bashing on the kid. there was animatics that were taking tommy’s words and actions completely out of context, mind you, and making it all about techno—making him seem Way more fucking sympathetic, there was war in the lore vods of tommy’s raging on his character for betraying techno, any doomsday animatic that didn’t even involve the betrayal scene whatsoever it would be brought up, my fucking fyp was flooded with that content and i had to search for people with common sense and this shit still goes on, i’m still seeing c!techno apologists bring it up, i’m still seeing doomsday discourse in fucking youtube comments, and it’s like. y’all really let go of any sympathy you had for c!tommy the second he made a mistake. and for the life of me i can’t fucking understand that

it’s so weird to me. do y’all not…comprehend that people make mistakes and hurt others when they’re hurting and just because they do that they’re not satan himself and they can, i don’t know, redeem themselves?? does it not click in y’all’s heads that not everybody’s going to be meek when they’re hurting??? lmao what kind of one dimensional thinking… and it’s funny because the thing that sparked this post was the fact that i, once again, saw fucking doomsday discourse on twitter and saw people still bashing c!tommy for something that happened months ago and it’s just. y’all really can’t let this shit go.

doomsday discourse is the bane of my existence, y’all sympathizing with traumatized characters until they make a mistake is the bane of my existence, eat shit, thank u for coming to my ted talk

[psychoticallytrans]

hi i hope this isnt a weird question to ask but. uhm tomorrow i have to tell my therapist about a maybe-psychotic-depression episode i had last week and im like, Nervous:tm: and unsure how or what to say? this is probably So stupid to ask but is there. i dont know. a script for this kind of thing, a limit to what i should disclose (im trying to avoid institutionalization, im in college and i cant afford to miss class)? therapy in general is new to me and while ive maybe had episodes like this in the past, the one i had last week was a new level of intense, too, so im just very out of my depth. thank you so much if you reply to this and if you cant thats okay too <3

This took me a long time to get around to. This probably won't help you in particular, anon, but I hope it helps others.

I will disclaim before this post that I have had extremely traumatic experiences in therapy. I came out of therapy with more disabilities and more severe ones than when I went in, and at least one of my therapists can be pinned as a direct cause. That will color this post.

The problem of therapy and disclosure is that... therapists are people, and they are people whose word holds an incredible amount of sway when considering how to act in regards to their clients. That sway is a problem because of how ableism and specifically saneism interact with the medical industry and with society. We are not seen as arbiters of our experiences. They are seen as the authorities on us. Everything you disclose will be filtered through the therapist, all of their prejudices and preconceptions, before it becomes something that the medical system will take seriously.

Amplifying this is the unavailability of therapy and how very few therapists are also mentally ill. If they are, it's even rarer to find one with a disorder that is considered "threatening"- for a reason. The inventor of DBT was BPD, and the second she revealed this, she was essentially exiled from her community. This means, in order, that a) a lot of people have to either adapt to their therapist or go without therapy and b) that therapists can very rarely actually relate to the experiences of clients that need heavy-duty help.

They might be presented as cutesy and "just here to help", but therapists are still medical professionals administering medical treatment with medical authority, and should be treated by disabled people with every caution that you treat a normal doctor with.

As such, this is my advice.

a) Don't disclose any heavy duty symptoms or trauma until you've tested them on some lighter topics, and they've handled them well. "Well" means not denying your experiences, respecting boundaries that you put up, and not acting like mental illness being in your head means you can think yourself well in a few hours. To define "heavy duty" generally, think about what you would put behind a trigger warning for an audience of adults.

b) Don't sign anything without reading it in full. If you don't understand it, tell them you need time to understand it before you can sign it. If they respond to this by telling you to just sign it or that it's not important, that should send alarm bells clanging in your head.

c) Request your medical record. Even if you're not concerned about your therapist, it lets you see their notes. It can be very informative.

d) If they pass as a decent person, then only one disclosure should get you institutionalization: confessing that you are going to hurt yourself or another person. If you can't afford institutionalization, and this is a problem for you, then you are going to have to find ways to deal with that without telling your therapist that. This is actually very easy. As long as you don't tell them that the feeling is current, you can ask for advice. "I sometimes have problems with wanting to hurt myself. Can you help me?" or "I worry that I might do harm to other people- what can I do to avoid that?" are great ways to phrase it that should still get you help as long as you can keep them in the past or future tense. If either of these is an active problem for you, seek whatever help you safely can.

e) Understand that therapy is medical treatment. It is very possible to perform great healing with it. It is also very possible to perform great medical malpractice.

You only have one mind. Be careful who you trust with it.

[ectonurites]

hey! how knowledgeable are you on stephanie brown? because i got in a bit of an argument with a dc fan on reddit who claims she's all these awful things, but im still relatively new to steph and i want to see what was true and what wasn't. link to screenie right here: https://ibb.co/vh6CYCJ

these may be matters of opinion, but even then, i'd like to know your take. i haven't read her firsthand often enough and i trust your judgement over this random redditor who seems to have some sort of blonde-woman related trauma left untapped.

I'm not necessarily the most knowledgable on her in the world, but I do know a decent amount because she's one of my absolute faves and I love her

But ohhhh boy that screenshot is a lot.

I will say that several of the things this person brings up are based in canon but are taken in the worst faith and framed in the way that makes her look as bad as possible, if that makes sense? It’s ripping things away from any context, because there's a very clear bias against her here.

I'll go through it point by point under the cut

First of all though before digging into this, I want to make it clear she was a 15 year old for the majority of the things this person is talking about. Like just pause for a second and remember she’s a 15 year old victim of abuse. That is something that I think factors into a lot of her behavior! Anyways, I kinda while doing this got into a ranty 'talking at you' format in response to the person who wrote all that, so don't take any of this as me yelling at you who asked the question/you anyone reading this.

"She always acted entitled" - Saying Steph is entitled is absolutely ridiculous to me. Stephanie grew up with a very unstable childhood due to her dad frequently being in prison and her mom dealing with a drug addiction, living in a lower class part of the city. Tim is entitled. I don’t mean that as like a bad thing about him, but he is based on his living situation, she is not. She has wanted life to be better for herself and her mom, and is determined about that, but she is not and does not act entitled.

(Secret Origins 80 Page Giant)

"and stubborn" - I will give you stubborn though, that one is true. She’s stubborn as hell! I don’t really see that as a bad thing though, pretty much every bat is stubborn?

"demanding that Batman and Robin accept her untrained ass" - Steph may have been untrained in fighting but she's shown to have exceptional gymnastics skills from the start, and at one point Bruce even says that with the right training she could be as good if not better than Tim (in Robin #88)! So like... her realizing she enjoys trying to be a hero after she tried it out to deal with her personal business, so she looks to the local experts… and is determined about it… how is that a bad thing? It’s also not like she walked up to them and said ‘im perfect as i am let me in’ what she wanted was a chance to be a hero. But she also wasn't even really looking for approval, either, not having Batman's blessing was never going to stop her. ("So excuse me if I don't jump when you bark, Batman." in Robin #16) Later when Bruce does bring her in to train (and she also gets to train with the BoP) she's excited! She’s stubborn about wanting to be in the hero business, but it’s not like she’s unwilling to work for it.

"advocating leaving criminals to die because they 'deserve it'" - She’s a 15 year old who grew up knowing firsthand how dangerous Gotham criminals can be because of her dad, of course off the bat when they’re in a dangerous situation where any of them could die (because that’s the context here, this is in Robin #35 where they’re trapped in some super dangerous snow) she thinks they shouldn’t go back for another criminal who just tried to kill them and should instead save themselves. But she also literally WITHIN THAT SAME ISSUE then says she realized she learned something after listening to Tim and trying to save the guy! In the same issue! Characters in a story aren’t supposed to be perfect from the start… they learn things along the way???

(Robin #35)

"trying to steal from the shops they just stopped from being burglarized" - She’s 15 and doesn’t have a ton of money. She was gonna take two sodas, and when Tim said not to do it she paid with very little fuss. They stopped people who were robbing the place at gunpoint for prescription drugs. If you can’t understand the difference in severity between those things like… I do not even know where to start. (this situation is in Robin #56 btw)

"forcing physical affection onto Tim despite his visible discomfort and repeated objections (not even stopping when he told her he had a girlfriend)" - This one I will give you because she did cross boundaries with all that! But I do also want to clarify that she didn't start coming onto him until after Tim kissed her first (in Robin #5) while not telling her he had a girlfriend. That doesn’t excuse her later actions but for the first issue that she’s coming onto him from her perspective he expressed interest and she was just returning it! She even specifically says 'Maybe I should pay you back for saving my life the same way you paid me' (in Robin #16) before kissing him. That first time she kissed him unprompted was under essentially the same circumstances he kissed her unprompted, and she literally did not know about Ariana until after the fact. From that point once she knew about Ari she definitely should have backed off and she didn’t, that’s a very fair thing to criticize about her as a character. But Tim lead her on first, and I feel a lot of people like to casually forget that when talking about this situation. The way this is phrased of ‘not even stopping when he told her-‘ implies she was repeatedly doing the bad behavior before he told her, which is not the case. She still did bad things here but don’t misrepresent the situation.

"And lashing out at Tim, her mother, and her classmates in violent fits of anger" - Every comic book character lashes out at other people for the sake of drama like, I dare you to come up with a well-known superhero character who hasn’t done shit like that to a partner/family/friends in a moment of high tension/stress?

"She treated the girls around her like they were stupid bitches" - frankly this ones a little too vague like, I'm not sure off the top of my head exactly what they're talking about? in that era right around her pregnancy and stuff I really don't recall her being mean with other girls? I could be forgetting something I guess but the closest I can think of is a bit after this period of time when she has the confrontation with Greta in Young Justice but that was Greta attacking her first, not the other way around.

"got insanely jealous if Tim so much as expressed concern about another girl" - Steph getting jealous and thinking Tim was cheating isn’t that crazy when STEPHANIE BASICALLY WAS THE OTHER GIRL DURING TIM’S LAST RELATIONSHIP? Tim has cheated a little bit before! Tim cheated on Ari with both Jubilee from Marvel (during a crossover thing where he even mentions Ari specifically so it’s not like this was out of continuity/a setting she wasn't an issue or something) and also with Steph. While most of the kissing between them was Steph coming onto Tim which I wouldn’t count as cheating on his end, he did still kiss her which I would count. Not to mention that the jealousy thing (I imagine they’re talking about the instance with Star, the girl who taught Tim to skateboard, this arc of stuff starts in Robin #80 and continues for a few issues) is happening during the time she’s dating him while she still doesn’t even know his real name. He literally has a whole other life she doesn’t know about, and is someone who has initiated romantic moments with other girls while in a relationship multiple times before! With that in mind I don’t think a 16 (she's def 16 by this point) year old girl being kinda paranoid about how he interacts with girls he might know in his civilian life is that unreasonable? The later big instance with jealousy is the Darla situation- where Steph sees Darla kiss him and gets mad about it (and doesn’t talk to him about it) and thats what prompts her to become Robin. The important thing to remember about Steph in this time frame is that DC decided she had to die and they wanted to make her Robin first to drum up more attention for that death. They were doing ooc things with her to set those pieces in motion, and that needs to be taken into account. I think her getting upset about seeing something like that isn’t even ooc, but her using it as motivation to become Robin and not even saying anything to him about it is. In the earlier instance where she’s upset/jealous about Star, she does communicate to him what’s going on at least a little bit on the rooftop after they’d saved her. She makes it clear the thing she was upset about is that she feels like she can’t trust him because she doesn’t really know him while he knows everything about her, and that’s why she thinks he’s cheating. Her reaction to the Darla thing is not in line with how earlier in canon Steph would have handled the same situation, because they wanted her to die and needed a way to explain her becoming Robin.

"and expressed that jealousy by accusing him of cheating and throwing things at him" - I just addressed the cheating stuff but the throwing things was fucking slapstick oh my god this is a comic book for kids/teens like. ah yes this is horrible abuse in this little funny montage of how Steph wants him to leave her alone because she’s mad at him and he refuses to give her space

(Robin #82)

I don’t think anyone at DC or even in fandom would/should try to argue she’s perfect, because she’s not! And I don’t want her to be because perfect characters are boring. Steph is flawed, Steph has been compared in canon to Robin-era Jason by Cass & Bruce

(Detective Comics #790)

And I think these highlight some of her very real flaws that are an interesting part of her character. These plus her stubbornness and determination are part of what makes her her.

And for fuck's sake the world was mean to her, and to act like it wasn’t is just blatantly ignoring a lot. A criminal father who made her life really difficult (‘when my dad was mad at me he’d lock me in the closet!’), that time she got kidnapped for two weeks and her mom had left her (a 15 year old) alone at home so long she didn't even find out it happened (in text Steph says Crystal was visiting friends, a lot of people interpret that as her mom possibly being in rehab for her addictions again), that whole thing about how one of her dad’s friends tried to sexually assault her as a child, also just how due to her dad's work sometimes criminals would be living in their house (Literally the fucking Riddler at one point!), the fact that we as an audience watched her get tortured for several days because a plan she tried to enact to prove herself backfired since Batman didn’t trust her with important information (something Selina even calls him out on in her internal narration), like… sorry but in what way is all that not the world being mean to her?

She was Robin, she dated Robin, she likes Eggplant (because purple would've looked stupid), and makes jokes. She’s also impulsive, headstrong and determined, and wants to prove to herself and others that she can be more than just the daughter of a shitty criminal, that she can actually be a force to do good in the world.

She’s a complex character, and nobody is required to like her, but to act like she doesn’t have a single redeeming trait is ridiculous. You could write a paragraph like that with the worst moments of basically any character and make them look like shit if that's what you were setting out to do.

[thepictureofsdr]

Hey, what are your theories on what happens in Chain of Thorn. Like, obviously, we want Thomastair, and we want Jordelia, we also want Matthew to be happy. So, can you string a theory in which all of this happens?

hey anon thanks for the ask!!! I am so sorry this is long I just have a lot of thoughts

personally, I don't think we're going to get a fully satisfying conclusion, there's far too much happening and far too little time. This series is very different to what we've seen in the past, the main cast has a lot of emotional trauma from each other, rather than having each other to help with trauma from outside situations. they've all been through an alarming amount, and of course mental healing takes a lot of personal work and time, so either we're getting a time skip or some VERY rushed healing.

I think in this situation, my ideal COT would have all the conflict resolution in the beginning. I talked about thomastair in this post, they would get together in the beginning and we could watch them grow over the course of the book. cordelia and matthew stop hiding from their problems, cordelia goes back to actually being there for her heavily pregnant mother and chronically abandoned brother. james and cordelia sort everything out, they all have a talk with matthew and he decides to get help. while he's away for a bit, we see lucie and jesse try to make a case for him to stay alive. I feel like the family would agree so we could watch the institute petition to take him in, it really depends on what direction CC wants to go with for jesse's story. while I'm madly in love with the joshwood ship (kamala and eugenia) I hate to say it but I think we all know its not going to happen. id love to see alastair and kamala become friends, and with his support have kamala realize that she's never deserved the bullshit of anna. we'd get a confrontation scene and anna can spend a few chapters re evaluating her privilege and ignorance. with all the emotional fiascos sorted out hopefully in the first third (I hate how rushed it would be but it's only one book :/) we could have actual progress for the rest of the book, because ngl im sick of drama being dragged out with annoying tropes, interfering with easy plot solutions, and then suddenly being resolved.

no more of this miscommunication, secret keeping, lying. I think everyone just needs to open up and be honest, so we can have some actual emotional growth and healing over the course of the book as they all work together to tie up the paladin and belial situation. personally I really dont care that much about the technical plot I just really want the character arcs to be done justice.

alastair - gets to apologize to everyone properly and begins to forgive himself and heal. he also gets some apologies from the thieves, gains a friend group, and hopefully one of the parents steps in to give him the support elias ripped away. spends the book learning he holds value and his trauma wasn't his fault, that he can move on and he's loved.

thomas - gets closure for barbara and learns to let himself exist beyond the "kind" box everyone shoves him in. he and alastair have had wonderful communication from the beginning so they just need to keep doing what they're doing

cordelia - realizes she isn't at fault for the paladin situation and forgives herself. is open with james and they properly get married

james - is very complicated. I think he deserves a lot of time to sort his own emotions out, have some time alone, have talks with the people in his life, just have the essential "hi im actually in love with you talk" with cordelia at the beginning then spend the rest of the book healing while also helping out with the plot, hopefully ends the book in a good place emotionally.

matthew - spends some time away to deal with alcoholism. comes back in a much better, sober, and stable state, so he can recognize his own feelings and have talks with his important people, especially finally letting others help him with the guilt of the baby situation. of course they all still love him and he begins to believe his love is real. begins to learn to love himself and like who he is. I dont think he was ever really in love with cordelia (talked about here) so id like to see them fall back into that easy friendship.

lucie and jesse - im not really an expert on their arc, so id love to see them slow down the relationship now that one isn't on deaths door. id love to see jesse get to be there for grace properly and watch lucie be a badass and defend jesse's right to exist bc we all know the clave is gonna have issue with that.

christopher just needs to be appreciated please

kamala - gains some independence, realizes the manipulative shit anna's been pulling isn't okay, confronts her and realizes that she deserves more. solidifies her love for herself and gets to be open with who she is

anna - gets called out on her privileged, arrogant, ignorant, sometimes cruel view of relationships and fixes herself up bc I just know CC is gonna put her w kamala.

I genuinely dont know what to feel about grace. she's been through so much, she's cute with christopher but she's caused so much pain. immediate forgiveness would be BS but she still deserves some compassion. I have no idea what could happen w her, hopefully she could talk things out with james and matthew and have a pretty decent redemption arc. get this girl a parental figure and some friends stat

also with all of this emotional maturing id like the thieves to have a talk. they genuinely love each other so much but I think they've all spent too much time neglecting or focusing on each other. their friendship has a lot of potential to be incredibly close and strong and healthy. also they could have such fun friendships with alastair id like to see them forgive him fully.

we dont need all of these characters to be perfect by the end but id like some assurances that their healing has started with support and healthy foundations. there could be a time skip where they deal with the plot, we skip the healing and see them all happy and healthy in a few years but who knows.

tl;dr stupid miscommunication resolved in the beginning > emotional healing can happen across the book > plot gets resolved without miscommunication getting in the way

[asexual-juliet]

Hello, sorry to bother you, but I was reading your older posts and now im so hyperfocusing on Dick Casablancas. He’s potentially the worst person ever, and I think I still really like him??? It doesn’t make sense, but he had so much room for character development!!! He had been through so much trauma and had a objectively pretty bad childhood/parents, and I think he could have been a really decent person if he was allowed to be anything other than the comic relief. Also I love your work.

this is literally the opposite of bothering me. you’ve given me the go ahead to talk about this piece of trash garbage boy as much as i want and for that you have my eternal gratitude!!

honestly, when i say i love dick casablancas, i’m talking about the version of his character that i have created in my head where s3 explored his trauma and he actually worked through his shit and became a better person. but alas.

the big thing to remember with dick is that he was supposed to be a minor character, but the writers liked ryan hansen so much that they started writing him in more until he became a series regular. so by the time they decided they wanted to write him as this funny, likable character, they had already set him up as a guy who treats women like shit and does creepy things with rapey undertones.

and honestly, this is understandable! they didn’t realize how fun dick’s character could be until they had already made him into a shitty person. the problem is that instead of addressing it, they chose to ignore it and hope the viewers would forget.

obviously the biggest problem with dick’s character is him encouraging cassidy to rape veronica as established in 1x21. the writers wrote it thinking that dick would remain an unimportant minor character and that the rape plotline would end with duncan, but they chose later to write dick a bigger role and retcon the rape, giving his actions real, dire consequences, and there was a conscious effort to make the viewers forget about the worst thing the character ever did. it’s a really shitty part of his character, and there’s no divorcing dick from his actions, but the writers could have acknowledged it and had him grow past it, especially after s2 when cassidy’s abuse came to light.

cassidy’s plotline gave them a perfect opportunity to explore dick’s shitty past actions and have him reflect!! sexual abuse thoroughly fucked cassidy up, and s3 could have been a great opportunity for dick to take a step back and see the effect that his gross non-consensual actions could eventually have on the girls he harassed, but the writers ignored it in favor of writing him as the two-dimensional comic relief.

dick had an incredible amount of potential after everything went down with cassidy, and we saw the writers tap into that a little bit with the scene in 3.01 where he shows up at logan’s suite and cries, the scene in 3.18 where he asks logan about what happened on the rooftop, and the scene in 3.18 where he calls his dad out on his bullshit (as well as the more subtle way they had him spend basically all of s3 drunk), but they could have done so much more with it and just didn’t!! dick is genuinely one of, if not the most traumatized characters on the show and we deserved to see that side of him much more than we did.

also like you pointed out, dick is the product of two shitty parents, and i think it would also be super interesting to explore his relationship with his dad a little more! because dick was his dad’s golden boy, but his dad also treated cassidy like shit, and to have dick deal with that and kind of start to realize the negative lasting effects his dad’s toxic masculine ideals continue to have on him would’ve been so interesting. so many of his shittier traits are learned behaviors, and that would have been so interesting to highlight

also. this is irrelevant but how fucked up is it that the only place dick had to go after he was kicked out of his dorm was to the building his brother threw himself off of??? how lonely is he that that is the only place he has to go??? and how hard is it for him to live there for at least a year??? the fact that he came to logan’s suite saying “i have nowhere else to go” ...the thing is he could’ve easily gone home because his dad skipped town and kendall’s dead but like??? he chooses the place his brother died over the place where he lived which is absolutely heartbreaking. like, the neptune grand is where cassidy left mac, tried to kill veronica, where he killed woody, and where he killed himself and dick still chooses to live there. and i’m definitely reading too much into it but part of me is gonna put his decision on the fact that he lived in his house with cassidy and didn’t notice anything when he was being abused/killing people/raping veronica and if he lived there alone guilt would definitely overpower him. but at the grand logan is there and dick’s not alone and yeah, it’s where cassidy died, but dick wasn’t there to witness everything that happened that night, and he really couldn’t specifically have stopped the actions of that night, but he blames himself for not noticing something was off with cassidy and bullying him and being home might remind him of that.

in conclusion: girls don’t want boys girls want a solid narrative arc that focuses on dick casablancas and his unresolved trauma. thank you so much for the valid asf ask.

[thoughts-of-the-unheard]

im losing my mind in 10th grade history i wrote my final essay on serbia vs the us bc serbia was the country id studied for a project and i just reread that essay bc i legitimately couldnt remember how to start my essay for my history final this year and holy shit guys 

“Taboo Topics: Serbia vs USA Differences

There are several subjects that are usually talked in hushed whispers behind closed doors with the wonderful exceptions of the few who speak out. These subjects include, but are in no way limited to, the gender pay gap, LGBT rights, rape, and abortions. With these topics, there are some very obvious differences between how Serbia and the United States handle them. Serbia deals with these forbidden matters significantly better than the United States does. 

The gender pay gap has been a popular topic for a few years now. Women are always paid less than men for the same work. In certain workplaces, women are actually less likely to be hired than a man even if she has more experience or better credentials, not always but quite often. The Boston Symphony holds blind auditions. There was a point where they had to make everyone who auditioned take off their shoes because the judges were hearing the women’s heel click against the floor and unconsciously judged against them. Bias against women is a very common and, unfortunately, normal thing to see is every country for quite a few centuries. It wasn’t always this way. We were all equal once. Now, we have male sports teams getting paid thousands for losing and female teams not getting paid at all. As of 2018, women in Serbia are paid 16% less than her male coworkers for the same job (Serbian Monitor). In the lovely United States, white women get paid 19% less then her white male coworkers. That is a three percent more difference than Serbia, which is bad enough but hispanic women are paid 39% less than her white male coworkers for the same work (iwpr). The three fifths compromise ended in the 1860s, and yet. This is the worst gender bias. People who love their job are the lucky ones. Most people now work a job, or several, just to stay afloat. Everyone deserves to be able to afford at least the bare minimum; food, water, housing, healthcare, and education. When women are paid a lesser wage than men when the wages are already insufficient, they have to pick and choose. To pay a woman less just because she wasn’t born a white man is telling her she isn’t worth as much. 

LGBT, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, rights is, for some reason, a very taboo subject. People all over get killed for being part of the LGBT community. Many religions are very against anything related to the LGBT community. A lot of people think they are “confused” or straight up sinners. It should not matter what people think. If a person is a person no matter how small then a person is a person no matter their gender or sexual orientation. Serbia is very good with that. “In June 2017, Ana Brnabić became the Prime Minister of Serbia, as the first woman and first openly gay person to hold the office, and the second female LGBT head of government overall (after Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir of Iceland). She was also the first Serbian Prime Minister to attend a pride parade.” (Wikipedia). America is not even ready for any female in such a high position of power while Serbia is making a bunch of firsts for women and the LGBT community. Serbia does not recognize same-sex marriages unless they are foreign but it is not illegal, either. Just in 2015, same-sex marriage was legalized in America. Millions of people were told they were not allowed to feel how they were feeling for centuries. Love was illegal. It took so long to legalize because many people in America were so freaked out about the potential risk of an LGBT person raping them or their child or infecting them or it was against their religion.

Weirdest thing is that, in the same America, when non-LGBT people rape anyone, they are less likely to go to jail than any other criminal, even murderers. According to Rainn, Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, 995 out of 1000 perpetrators in America will walk free. With 38.6 cases of rape for every 100,000 population, as of 2015, that is a lot scarier than the bisexual girl that lives down the street who has no interest in her friend in the same way that she wouldn’t if she was straight. LGBT people are not the problem. Rapists and the morally gray judges who let them walk without so much as a smack on the wrist because it was only one person and they don’t have a history of this sort of thing, are. The victim is never the issue. Ever. People are terrified to tell anyone they were raped because they could lose their friends and even their job. The victim. The victim who was brave enough to speak out against a violation of their body and mind. They have a higher chance of losing their job than their rapists does of going to jail. They have a higher chance of dying from whooping cough, which has a 0.52 death rate in America, then their rapist has of going to jail. Statistically, in America, someone is sexually assaulted every 92 seconds (RAINN).  An estimated 63% of sexual assaults are not even reported. Very largely, in part to the low incarceration rate. In 2010, America was ranked first in 117 countries for number of rapes. Serbia was 45th. One was 1177 times more likely to get raped in America than in Serbia. As of 2015, the Serbian rate of rape cases per 100,000 was 0.7 (Knoema). Serbia is 55 times safer in these terms. They have an astronomically lower rape rate than the United States does. 

Serbia has a very high amount of abortions. Taking into consideration that Serbia severely lacked even a decent sex education system to inform their people about safe-sex. Approximately 12% of sexually active women were using condoms in the 1970s and 1980s (Wikipedia). Because of the awful education, abortion was the leading method of birth control. Serbia allows abortion up to ten weeks of pregnancy for a regular case. Twenty weeks is allowed for special cases such as “rape, incest, psychological trauma and socioeconomic reasons” (Women on Waves). Unheard of in America, abortions in Serbia “can be obtained for free as it is covered by the healthcare.” (Women on Waves). The United States does not have nearly as high of an official abortion rate because every woman, and even some men, get verbally harassed for walking into a place that happens to give abortions even if they are there for any other medical reason. Recently though, Ohio, Georgia, Mississippi, and Kentucky have all passed heartbeat bills that make abortion illegal after six weeks. Most women do not realize they are pregnant until almost halfway through their first trimester. Six weeks pregnant is two weeks late on a woman’s period. Texas, Florida, New York, Missouri, Louisiana, South Carolina, Illinois, Virginia, West Virginia, Tennessee, and Minnesota plan on also passing the heartbeat bill this year. Alabama has made a near-total ban on abortion. Birth control, IUDs, and similar things are going to be banned in Ohio. Birth control could stop a fertilised egg from implanting in the uterus and will be considered an abortion, which is already banned. Birth control has about six other uses that have nothing to do with preventing pregnancy. Georgia will prosecute women who plan to leave the state to get an abortion in a state where it is legal. This follows people out of Georgia. This makes women property of the state. Ohio is currently forcing an eleven year old girl, who was raped, carry her rapists child to delivery. Ohio, one of the free states of America, in 2019, is forcing a child, who is in fifth or sixth grade, to carry the child of the man who raped her, for nine months and then give birth. Childbirth is one of the most painful things ever and Ohio is forcing a literal child to go through it. 

Serbia may, on a governmental level, be a mess but at least their people are treated well. Despite Serbia being a conflict magnet country and America being “the land of the free”, Serbia generally has less restrictions and more acceptance with these choice issues and maybe -probably- even more. Serbia has a lesser pay gap, an openly gay, female prime minister, less chances of being raped, and abortion is legal and free because of healthcare that makes sense. Serbia is far from perfect but it is undoubtedly closer than America.”

[halorocks1214]

the law of relativity

AO3 Link

Word Count: 9963

Summary: The Law of Relativity states that each person will receive a series of problems (‘tests of initiation’) for the purpose of strengthening the ‘light’ within. We must consider each of these tests to be a challenge and remain connected to our hearts when proceeding to solve the problems. This law also teaches us to compare our problems to others’ problems and put everything into its proper perspective. No matter how bad we perceive our situation to be, there is always someone who is in a worse position. It is all relative

Previous Parts (in order): Alan | Virgil | You are here! | Gordon

WHY 👏🏼 CANT 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 WRITE 👏🏼 FICS 👏🏼 IN 👏🏼 MO 👏🏼 DER 👏🏼 RATION 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 also just bluuuergh. dont ask about this fic. part of it was written in a dark auditorium, another was written in a different state, another was written on a frickin bus, this fic has been places ill tell you what. half the time i think this is hot garbage and the other half i think its actually decent so im posting this while my head is in a good headspace and then promptly yeeting myself off the internet for a few hours to wait and see what happens. this series is becoming less of a canon divergence AU and more of a straight-up AU because of certain details im trying to worm in there buT IM TRYING MY BEST

thanks once more to @gumnut-logic, because of the length, this time i used three prompts, them being "What do you mean?", crease, and dream (and they werent even used that much sksksksk)

Warnings for both graphic and non-graphic depictions of violence, as well as mentions of torture and other PTSD/panic attack related stuff. I went deep with this one fellas

Orphan.

The word tasted dirty in his mouth.

He can still see the footage in the backs of his eyelids from when he watched it exactly one year ago. He was the only other (living) adult at the time in the family outside of Grandma, so he was permitted to see it. He remembered they originally didn’t want to show him, mainly because of his age, but Grandma was fierce, and she put one hell of an argument on the table.

One Scott refused to let fall through the cracks by breaking down. If only Grandma knew how he cried his eyes out and screamed to high heaven that night in the hotel room after essentially watching his father be blown to bloody smithereens then she was a goddamn saint for keeping it a secret. It made sense, she was the mother to his father. She had quite the line up of stories from Jeff’s childhood. Scott sensed the early-greying of his hair came from her, heh.

The rest of his family eventually saw it, of course, they did. Scott couldn’t shield them forever. What he will protect, selfishly he might add, was how angry he was at how much better they took it than he did. They cried, yes they did, but they never fully broke down like Scott did. Later in life, he wondered if it was jealousy: jealousy at not truly being able to let go. Whatever it was, he made sure to swallow it along with whatever alcohol he chose for the weekend.

Just add it to the ever-growing pile of shit he had to deal with. Nothing new.

Suddenly he’s 20 again and seated in a plane to be taken to his first stint in the Air Force. He said his goodbyes to Virgil, Gordon, and Alan back at home while Grandma and John metaphorically held his hand all the way to the airport. John was… quiet, more so than usual, but Grandma was stuck right in the middle between being a sobbing mess and ecstatic at the fine young man he’s become.

You’re just like your father. He would be proud.

Scott was secretly glad she never physically said it. It gave him plausible deniability in thinking that those words weren’t laced behind her big, bright, prideful eyes.

The first time went well, maybe even great. He stayed for a couple of months, did some flight tests, and while the training was brutal, boy did he learn a lot. When he came back home it was to a family slowly stitching itself back together. Grandma was a full-time house member, Virgil had taken up painting, Gordon talked about potentially going back to his swim meets, and while Alan was still as silent as ever, he was perkier than when Scott last saw him.

It would be on and off for the next few years: a couple of months at home, slowly and painfully taking over the role their father had (he can’t remember when he essentially received joint custody of his younger siblings with Grandma, but hey, he’s not complaining), then a couple of months out at the Air Force base where he slowly climbed up the ranking platform. He became skillful, perhaps too skillful. When he got his rank of Captain he felt it was less of an honor and more of something they owed him.

He was getting cocky. Never enough to be a danger to his fellow men, but enough to be somewhat of an occasional annoyance. Charles smacked him upside the head more than once. It felt like the world was right-side-up for once. Scott made many-a-calls to John and Virgil, the former enjoying his first few rotations up in space and the latter squarely in the middle of college. Gordon was being offered sponsorships to hell and back, and Alan was quietly getting along with the other kids at his school. Grandma was on welcoming duty for Kayo, who was taking her slot in the Tracy family with grace, though, a warning that their family would take custody of her if something were to happen to her parents would have been nice, Dad.

Of course, nothing ever goes right for their family for too long.

Orphan.

Age 24, it was supposed to be a simple retrieval mission of civilians. Scott was put in charge of his squad and then some. At night, they rolled-- well, flew out to get the job done. Scott can’t even remember the country anymore when minding his own business. Australia? Finland? Perhaps Bangladesh? There was a place John was insistent Scott never do rescues in, Virgil tended to agree, and the eldest unhealthily let them banish him from ever stepping foot there without argument. He could never remember the name off the top of his head until John’s familiar International Rescue, we have a situation rung out in the living room followed by the name of the country.

He would immediately forget it later, trauma too strong, too volatile, but the way his heart stopped and his head shattered and the way he felt ice water rush down his back was a good enough reason to quietly leave the room and let John delegate the job to one of his brothers. Sometimes John found him retching in the toilet halfway through the mission. He made sure to always mute Scott’s wrist communicator, even if it was never turned on in the first place.

The plane touched down. Orders sent the ground team out. But then the ground team took longer than estimated. Scott tensely waited where he was told to. It wasn’t the first mission that took a little longer than predicted and knowing humans, it surely wouldn’t be the last. Then, words mixed with heavy static came over the radio. H--p. Co-- ---7--. --nd ba---p --me--at--y.

Scott sat tensely in his seat, remembering his orders and suddenly hating them. Radio back to home if the mission goes south. Well, it didn’t look like they had the radio anymore. Still didn’t hurt to try at least. Scott spoke the familiar protocol that was ingrained into him when trying to call base. Dammit. Nothing. Probably some kind of blocker of sorts. Sitting up straight as a board, Scott looked through his options.

… He was in charge here. If something happened to his team the fault would lie squarely on his shoulders. Going against everything but his gut, he went out to help his squad. He can’t really remember what he exactly did anymore, but he does remember that it made a noise. Like a Looney Tunes scene: he flinched, froze, waited to see if anything or one heard, breathed a sigh of relief, and continued.

He eventually stumbled across one of his closest comrades, Arnold Brigeets. Yes, the name was ironic and half the reason he joined the force in the first place. The guy was one of the people that actually trained Scott and also seemed to be one of the few that was genuinely proud when Scott became a higher rank. It’s why Scott was more appreciative of Arnold than others, that, and well… Scott thought his fatherly abilities were good. The guy did have three kids back home.

Orphan.

Ducking down behind the cover his older friend was semi-situated behind, Scott watched as Arnold jumped at the intrusion before sighing. Scott had run into some enemies that he swiftly took down-- nothing too serious, he didn’t have the time or weapons for such an act, but they definitely would be out of it for a while-- so Arnold must have too on his way to find cover as well, hence why he was so on edge.

“Thank God,” Arnold wiped his forehead, “Glad to see you join us, kid.”

Scott was breathing heavily, but the grin he attempted was still there, “Y-Yeah, so what happened? More threats than we thought?”

Arnold shook his head, “Yes and no. There were a lot more baddies than we thought, but that’s because the civilians weren’t civilians. It’s a tr--”

Boom. The familiar sound of a gunshot.

Arnold fell over. Never got back up. Dropped like a rock in a lake, never to come up to the surface again.

Scott was so caught off guard he couldn’t react to the gun that swiftly beat him over the head, knocking him out cold. The only thing on his mind was oh fuck oh fuck I messed up I shouldn’t have come I wouldn’t have made any noise that way why did I--

They had him for roughly two weeks. Scott always thought the plotline in movies where the villain vehemently denied knowing any important information was dumb as hell. We’re not stupid. We wouldn’t go after someone if they didn’t know something.

The things they did hurt and no amount of I don’t fucking know anything! would help. Those two weeks were lost to Scott in a sea of pain and torment. The only thing he remembered was being captured, then waking up in a hospital drugged up to his gills with his superiors staring at him like he cured cancer.

“You saved the rest of your squad from sharing the same fate as the first half.”

“I-I did?”

“You betcha, son. I only wish I was there to see it! People be saying you were like an animal in how you took ‘em all down.”

Scott’s never remembered, and he wanted to keep it that way.

He was given the highest honors, even the chance to skip a couple of ranks to be at the same level as the big boys, but the night they were going to share the news to the golden boy himself, they found him in one of the bathrooms with a bloody hand and a mirror shattered with no hope of fixing it.

He was honorably discharged to a family that was so thankful he was home. Words like missing in action and POA never stopped haunting their nightmares. Scott was too, God, of course, he was, but sitting around and doing nothing was the last thing his traumatized mind wanted or maybe even needed. After doing what he considered to be the biggest fuck-up of his life, he needed to feel important.

This isn’t the first time he’ll say this and it surely won’t be the last: thank Christ for Grandma.

“You want me to take over?...”

“Yep, it’s about time Tracy Industries received a new pair of eyes. The Board certainly thinks so.”

“But… they’d rather have a crazy, PTSD-infected veteran over you?”

A rough pinch to his ear, “Hey now, don’t call yourself that,” the gentle motherly tone was back as soon as it left, “Besides, that crazy might exactly be what they want. Half of their argument is that I “don’t take enough risks.” They’re getting tired of listening to an old fart like me.”

A moment of contemplation, followed by the cheeky raise of an eyebrow, “So you’re saying you want me to take so many risks they have no choice but to take you back?”

A bark of laughter, “Damn straight.”

He learned the ropes faster than normal (healthy, is probably the correct term), and he immediately won the hearts of both young and old in the company. Instead of flying planes every few months, he worked on business reports and vetoed new ideas every couple of weeks. It felt satisfying for the most part, and his family was just happy he was still alive to enjoy it.

However, there was a slight roadblock on his way to becoming a somewhat stable person.

He became prone to violent blackouts. It had to have started when he blacked out and saved himself from those two weeks of hell, which made the most sense. Something was always destroyed when he came back to life. John was the best at calming him down due to his own experience with panic attacks, however, John couldn’t always be there, and the next rotation for NASA was coming swiftly. Scott swore up and down he would be fine, he could figure something out. John went back into space with an eyebrow permanently raised.

It was just him and Virgil home (Grandma had taken Alan and Kayo to watch Gordon swim) when he, unfortunately, proved John right. Scott wasn’t sure what triggered it, but he vividly remembered coming back in Virgil’s extremely tight hold. The first thing Scott thought to say was damn, beanstalk, when did you get so strong? but then he laid his eyes upon the forming bruise on his younger bro’s face and hasn’t recovered since.

Virgil swore he never held it against Scott. Scott definitely thought he should have.

That night brought sudden clarity to Scott that he was doing this horribly wrong. He was a ticking time bomb, and it wouldn’t be long before something was damaged in a way that couldn’t be fixed. Scott needed an anchor. Something to ground him before he took it too far. John wasn’t going to be earthside forever, Grandma was busy with Kayo, Alan was just a kid, and Gordon was living the dream. None of them were viable.

Then, as he was thinking, he was suddenly aware of how calming Virgil’s arms were around him, how they were preventing the growing panic attack in his chest from getting even bigger.

It was easy.

For once in Scott’s life, his eyes were big and young as he asked Virgil, “Help me, please.”

After a few brief seconds, Virgil gulped, “Okay.”

From then on, Virgil was Stone Number One. Scott’s admiration for Virgil outweighed the guilt of putting the black-haired man in that position in the first place. Virgil was glad to follow his older brother’s leadership, but just as qualified to bring him the hell back when he went too far. From getting too sacrificial to preventing a good punching-out some of the idiots they dealt with, Virgil made sure Scott knocked that shit off.

Time went on, Scott was a top-notch CEO at Tracy Industries, John was having one hell of a time up in space, Virgil was graduated and had so many life opportunities to pick from, Alan was thriving at being a (mostly) stable kid, Kayo was 100% acclimated to the family, and Gordon--

Scott found himself gripping the wooden desk very abruptly. He was shocked he didn’t snap a chunk off in the process. Why was he thinking about this right after a giant business conference? Who knows at this point. If this giant origin story seemed jagged and jumpy, maybe even somewhat vague, good, that’s how it fucking felt.

Back to said story.

Scott always thought he and Gordon would have the least amount in common.

They do, but out of all the things they could have picked to be similar, why did it have to be the PTSD caused by military-related jobs? Scott was 24 when he got his, Gordon was just under 20. It may have been a few years since their respective accidents, but they’re never going to go another day without it feeling like it was just yesterday.

At this point, Gordon was up and walking again, mainly thanks to John and Alan while Virgil and Scott helped in their own ways. Grandma’s cooking was what probably motivated him the most though, ha, the need to get away from it… Scott smiled. Grandma was always a constant. Honestly, if it weren’t for her, the family might have fallen apart. Literally.

What has he been saying throughout this whole shindig? Thank Christ for Grandma.

One day out of the blue, Grandma reserved the entire family (yes, even Kayo and Alan) private plane tickets so they could spend some time on the mainland for a few days. Honestly, even if the island wasn’t getting major renovations, you hooligans need to get out more. Have some fun. Try not to kill anything, especially each other, she all told them while creepily grinning. John and Virgil smacked Gordon more than once on the plane for insisting that she finally snapped, dudes, she’s gonna kill us.

Most of the time during their little vacation, Scott heavily focused on his breathing. He was pretty sure he knew what she was doing. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, but the same went for his excitement.

Dad showed him these plans the day after his 18th birthday. You’re a man now, Scotty, I need your help making this big boy decision with me.

As soon as they reset foot down on the island, Scott took a deep breath and felt relaxed at the salty taste in the air. It was weird, nothing on the outside was changed, and yet… it still felt different.

“Guys!” Virgil yelled out, “Stop playing in the water! We just got back, aren’t you two tired?!”

Blinking back to reality, Scott looked over to see his two youngest brothers doing exactly what Virgil was yelling at them for. Poor Johnny was a little damp too, which is what probably caused Virgil to shout at them in the first place. The blondes didn’t care. They continued to prance around in the shallow waves with their pants legs rolled up, acting as if they didn’t hear anything outside of their laughter. Gordon shoved his hands down into the liquid and threw some directly at Alan, nailing him right in the face.

Scott exhaled slowly. He couldn’t imagine them doing this 8 years ago.

Regardless, the artist was right, and they couldn’t waste too much time. Kayo was swift in grabbing both gentlemen by the ears and dragging them onto dry land. They all painstakingly trekked their way up to the-- what would you call Tracy Island? Mansion? Over-blown cabin? Well, whatever it was, Scott would always be willing to call it home.

Stepping inside, each brother took in the view, which was underwhelmingly not that much different, except for one tiny thing. John suddenly noticed a figure already standing in the living room and blinked, “No way… it’s--”

Gordon jumped in, both with his body and his words, “Brains?! Dude, how’s it hanging?!”

The scientist in question jumped at the voices before clearing his throat and readjusting his glasses, “O-Oh, hello again, T-Tracys. It’s good to see you all once more.”

Virgil slung an arm around his shoulder, ignoring the blatant squawk, “Man, how long has it been?! What made you finally decide to crawl out of your hole?”

Snickers came from all corners of the house. Brains stood up straighter, “W-Well, I was contacted b-by Mrs. Tracy over here with an offer I c-couldn’t turn down.”

Eyebrows tilted in all shapes and sizes. Someone cleared their throat. Everyone turned to look at Grandma once again, “I think if you all follow me, you’ll swiftly understand what I’m talking about.”

I already do, Scott thought matter-of-factly. John seemed to be understanding it now, Virgil was on the cusp of remembering what his father was hinting at for him, and Gordon was just as lost as Alan. It made sense, Jeff talked to all of them about it, but the oldest had seniority. The two youngest not remembering just by words was expected, especially since that was going to be rectified very quickly.

The hangar under the island was beautiful. Point blank. It smelt of iron and steel and grease and engine and that was the first time since Scott had been in the Air Force that he didn’t gag or flinch at the thought of flying something again. Scott had seen the plans his father drew. He assumed Jeff finished building it, but he never got to physically see it since…

In some ways, he was glad he didn’t. Now he got to experience it with (most of) his family, and that made it ten times better.

After letting them absorb the scenery, Grandma slowly turned around to look at them all, “You remember that dream your father had?”

The four oldest blinked, Kayo simply raised her eyebrows, meanwhile, Alan, being the teenager he was, didn’t read the emotion in the room, “Oh, yeah! Aunt Casey always talked about how he was going to “change the world” and stuff. What did he call it again?”

Scott felt way more confident than he had in a while, “International Rescue.”

Grandma nodded, gleeful at the happy look on her oldest and youngest grandsons’ faces, “Well, I’ve been thinking about some things. I know we don’t exactly worry about money, but after everything your father put into these girls… I’d hate for them to go to waste.”

The Tracy family jumped at that. John’s mouth was wide open in shock, yes, shock, “That station is still up there?”

Grandma sighed, “You mean ‘Five? Not for long. Not if we don’t send someone up there within the next few days.”

John blushed at the grin Grandma gave him. Clearing his throat, his big brain came to a startling conclusion, “Wait… you brought Alan along?”

The other big brothers in the room jumped at that. Kayo was the only one with enough balls to say the truth out loud, “Mrs. Tracy, I mean no offense, but he’s--”

“Just a kid?” Grandma smirked, “A kid that’s topped the VR charts for Intergalactic Fury for weeks straight while simultaneously getting nothing but A’s in his classes?”

Scott nodded slowly in comprehension. He remembered Alan talking about that game for a while. It was some kind of online racing simulator of sorts. Scott caught the prettiest string of words from Alan when going to bed one night. Nearly made him shit his pants. He made the kid promise to keep it PG-13 if he wanted to keep playing.

Still, the elders in the family slowly turned to look at the freckled boy with both shock and pride. Alan blinked with wide-eyed innocence, “But my English class is only at a B--”

“Shh, kiddo, I’m making a point,” Grandma rolled her eyes. The other brothers snickered. Yep, still Alan. Grandma sighed, “Now before you point out that video games are different, I know, but the difference between them and this is that video games don’t have some of the most talented older brothers in the world to guide him.”

Said older brothers jumped at the idea. Before any objection could be made, Grandma continued, “Besides, the GDF seemed to be okay with it. The Colonel was willing to oversee some of his training too.”

John flinched at that, “But IR is supposed to be independent!”

Grandma slightly frowned. She didn’t exactly like it either, “It still is, but in the world of business, compromises have to be made.”

Virgil huffed and crossed his arms, “Well, that’s… rough. Here I thought only Scott would have to deal with the bullshit of business.”

Grandma chuckled at the somewhat un-Virgil-like behavior, “It really is, Virgil. But about that Scott part,” she slowly turned to look at him and him only, “I hate to give you more work to do, but if you want to work within their restrictions?”

Suddenly every pair of eyes in the room was on the head of the family. Gulping, Scott looked down at his feet to think. It was a tense few moments, nobody sure what he was going to decide, least of all him, before the brunette cleared his throat and brought his face back up with a grin.

“Well then,” Scott turned to look at the bright tip of ‘One, chest fluttering with a feeling that became unfamiliar to him over the past few years, “I guess now it’s time to state the obvious.”

From then on, every time he loaded into that cockpit of his girl, he felt lighter than air.

“Thunderbirds are GO!”

Everything was okay again.

Mostly.

Orphan.

Scott took another sip of his whiskey and refocused on his reports.

---

Scott was in some kind of dissociative state the whole way home.

Alan doesn’t deserve this. He’s still a kid, barely an adult, and he’s going to go through utter hell because you screwed up. You were 24, Gordon was just under 20, Alan was barely 18. Alan’s going to get fucked up like you and it’s all your fault.

His movements were robotic and rigid. Anyone with a working eye could tell he was deep in shock and running on autopilot. Mostly Jeff. Especially Jeff. The rest of the brothers all noticed too, but they were also running on their own empty fuel tanks, so the only thing they could do was guilty send their older brother the occasional glance of pity and concern.

Jeff was going to need to talk to them about that. Somehow. Maybe he shouldn’t be the one to point it out since he feels just as bad. His sons were too much like him, sometimes, and that made his guilt burn all the same. He should’ve been there to warn his sons about the dangers of unnecessary guilt. Having that kind of guilt was a parent’s job, dammit, and maybe grandparents only occasionally.

But then he remembered where he’s been for the past 8 years and… who really was Alan’s parents anymore? His gut was screaming it sure as hell isn’t you, but he knew his sons would want him to step back into the role as soon as he was physically fit to do so, not just for Alan, but for themselves as well. They would deny it, but they probably just wanted to be kids again too, even if it was only brief, fleeting moments.

Who was to tell the protective, fatherly side of Jeff no to that? No better time to fix things like the present after all.

He saw Scott go up the stairs when they first stepped into the living room, so that’s where Jeff was going to go too. Footsteps light, Jeff retraced his eldest’s pathway to his bedroom. Only, he stopped before said bedroom. Unfavorable noises were coming from the closed bathroom door, and Jeff could only swallow whatever emotion it made him feel. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened the (unlocked) door to the bathroom and laid his eyes upon the incriminating scene.

Jeff was met with the sight of Scott retching his entire stomach into the toilet, hands aggressively grabbing his sticky, hair-gelled hair and trying to make himself bald from the strain.

Jeff’s reaction was always based on autopilot, and it will never stop being so.

Ignoring his protesting body, Jeff kneeled and placed a hand on his son’s back, only to abruptly pull back like he touched a hot stove when Scott only got more hysterical at the contact. The brunette clenched his eyes shut even more (and they were already shut as much as possible) while his head became a special kind of crease. Like he was in pain, “God, I wanna go home. Why won’t they listen I swear I’m telling the truth! Please, I just want Dad--”

Jeff was frozen on the spot, heart stopping in the process. His brain shut down while he watched his son continue to mindlessly ramble and panic. His freaked-out mind barely registered footsteps from behind in the hallway, followed by a voice going what’s going-- holy--

Something thundered past him. Blinking once, Jeff guiltily watched as Virgil kneeled behind the eldest and wrapped his arms around the thin man’s shoulders while taking Scott’s hands in his in a protective blanket, “Scott! Jesus-- we’re at home, you’re safe and it’s June 14th, 2--”

Scott only struggled more, panicking at the fact he could no longer yank his hair out. Dammit, it was the only way he could feel in control, don’t take that away too! “No! I swear I’ve said everything! Please--”

Virgil immediately knew that this was one of those attacks that Scott wasn’t coming back down from with pure human intervention. Add-on the sight of his father’s big eyes signifying the man was at a loss at what to do, Virgil had no choice. He snapped loudly, remembering the comms were still on and only feeling slightly bad at the way Scott flinched in his arms, “Shit-- John! It’s Scott! Get the stuff! We’re in the upstairs bathroom!”

Muffled footsteps through a few walls in the house could be heard. Jeff’s mind was only starting to catch up when the brother Virgil called for came rushing into the bathroom (Jeff never remembered it being big enough to hold four of them) and ignoring Jeff (practically shoving him out of the way too, man, this was bad) on his way to the main problem at hand. Landing on his knees in a way that made Jeff wince, John gently grabbed one of Scott’s arms from Virgil’s hold and subsequently pulled a needle from nowhere and injected something into Scott.

The response was instantaneous.

Scott’s breathing, while still labored, got slower. He stopped struggling as well, and the way he sagged reminded Jeff of ice melting into a puddle. The two other brothers’ shoulders also sagged, relieved at the crisis averted. John stood up, knees cracking as he rubbed the back of his neck. Then, he froze at the sight of something in the doorway, “G-Gordon…”

Virgil snapped his head up from where he was looking at Scott. Jeff did something similar. Yup, in the doorway was the strawberry blonde, eyes wide, making him younger by about 10 years. The ex-Olympian in question inhaled, closed his eyes, and soon speed-walked his way out of the entrance to the bathroom. Dammit, neither Gordon or Alan have seen something like that and it probably spooked him more than anything. He’d understand with his own PTSD-related issues, but still, seeing the “never weak” big brother freak out in such a scary way...

John combed a hand through his hair, shaking his head. As he started walking out of the room, he whispered to himself, probably hoping no one heard him, “Dammit, this is all so fucked…”

Unfortunately, Jeff did hear, and the dirty language made the father flinch. John was always the best about making sure Grandma didn’t wash his mouth out with soap, and the fact that he so willingly didn’t care meant that everyone was at the end of their rope. Still reeling at the sight, Jeff couldn’t react to the gentle arms that picked him up off the floor and slowly led him out of the suddenly stuffy room.

With the click of the door shutting, Jeff realized what Virgil did, “W-Wait, Scott--”

“Will be okay for a few seconds,” Virgil finished for his dad, “I know it’s nearly been a decade, but the one part of you I definitely know hasn’t changed is the need to comfort us, just like we hoped.” The small grin that fell over the middle child’s face put Jeff a little bit at ease, but Virgil wasn’t completely done, “So, I’m going to let you take care of this, but I just want to make sure you’ll handle it with grace. Take this slowly, okay? Scott might be doped up, but he’s still… volatile, in a sense.”

Jeff cleared his throat, suddenly choking on the unneeded tension, “Okay, Virgil, I promise, just… what happened? That was… bad, and really bad at that too. I know Scott would never let something that severe willingly come out in front of his family.”

Virgil rubbed the back of his neck, clearly not ready for this conversation, “Listen, Dad,” he inhaled sharply, cutting himself off before sighing in a way that said fuck it, might as well get this over with, “As much as it felt like it did, the world didn’t stop spinning because you… well, we had lives we somehow wanted to continue living. We all have lives and stories now, and this is Scott’s story to tell.”

Jeff was getting misty-eyed again. Back when he was just a kid, Virgil couldn’t keep a secret to save his life, mainly in part due to his insomnia-related issues (Jeff has to wonder if he still has them, more problems for the future) and general lack of filter because of sleep-deprivation. Now Jeff knew there was a starch difference between a kid who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and a man who genuinely knew how to respect another man’s privacy, but…

It just hammers home how much he’s missed with his boys. Gulping, Jeff made a mental note to talk with his mom about certain things he’s missed. She’ll know a lot more than he would, “Okay, Virge. Thank you, for stepping up there.”

Virgil’s shoulders relaxed at Jeff’s words, as well as his father’s hand patting him on the shoulder, “Thanks, Dad. Just… go easy on him. I know it’s a little late for this but none of us ever properly talked about things. It was very unhealthy, deep down we all knew that, but…”

“You just couldn’t get the proper emotions out?” Jeff finished for his son. At Virgil’s soft nod, Jeff exhaled, “I’m not going to say that it was a smart decision, but we’re all here now. We can move forward with this.” Jeff squeezed where his hand laid.

Virgil blinked before curtly going, “Yeah. Goodnight, Dad. Take care of Scott.”

Virgil stepped around his father and walked to where his bedroom most definitely was not, but Jeff could deal with that in a little bit. He had another son who he was pretty sure just had a violent PTSD attack of some kind, plus, Virgil seemed to sour at something Jeff said. The ex-astronaut wasn’t sure what it was, so he didn’t chase after him out of worry that--

Wait.

We’re all here now.

Dammit, Jeff. Out of all the sentences you could’ve picked...

Alrighty, just add that to the ever-growing pile of things that need to be talked about later. No biggie. Jeff found himself sighing and rubbing the back of his neck much like Virgil did a few minutes ago. Turning around, he was met with the bathroom door once more. Shaking his head, Jeff slowly crept into the room and saw that not much was different, especially with Scott.

His heart softly cracked, but, again, he can deal with it later.

Sitting down on the ground and grimacing at the way his body ached (was gravity always this rough?), Jeff leaned against the floor cabinets about 2-3 feet away from Scott, who made himself into a nice comfortable ball in the corner next to the toilet, his palm smushed against his forehead. Jeff waited a few seconds. Then minutes. Then he realized he would have to be the one to initiate the conversation. He probably should’ve realized that right when he came back in. He opened his mouth, but his wasn’t the one that words came out of.

“It was… Zambia.”

Jeff’s heart stopped and his mouth snapped shut. He couldn’t stop the way his eyes clearly showed his panic, but hopefully, he guiltily thought, Scott was a little too doped up to not realize it, “Scotty, what do you mean?”

Scott shrugged in a way that spoke he thought what he was admitting wasn’t a big deal. Yep, clearly not with it, “Mission went bad… caught for a couple of weeks.”

Jeff was hoping his first fuck back on Earth, spoken to himself like right now or otherwise, would have been a comedic thing, but the way nausea rose in his throat said this was anything but funny.

Scott wanted to be in the Air Force. Badly. Who was a father to deny his son’s want to be part of such a noble cause? He gave him tips, took him to meet friends in high places, sometimes even sparred with him when he turned 18, but then Jeff was suddenly thousands of miles away with no hope of ever having the chance of sparring with his eldest again. Despite it, Jeff hoped Scott went on to become the best pilot the world has ever seen.

Part of this looks like he did, but at what cost?

As much as it felt like it did, the world didn’t stop spinning because you… well, we had lives we somehow wanted to continue living.

Aw hell, “Jesus, Scott…” Jeff couldn’t tell if it was the brashness or the lack of a nickname that made Scott flinch and he hated it. He immediately softened his tone and brought his 27-year-old child into his arms, “Shh, shh, we’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.”

Like father like son, old habits die hard, and as easy as it was to still be able to comfort his children, Scott seemed to just as easily take it as he used to 8 years ago, “Alan doesn’t deserve this kind of hell, God, he’s barely not a kid anymore! Why--”

Jeff tightened his hold to keep his son in reality, and because he didn’t like the tone behind those words, “Hey, you didn’t either--”

Scott somehow managed to fling himself out of the hug, focus incredibly on point for someone who was doped up to his eyelids five seconds ago, “But I fucked up! I made the wrong call and then suddenly Arnold was dead and he had a wife and kids-- shit, what the hell did I do?”

Okay.

First of all: way to put him back in that headspace when that’s the exact opposite you were going for, Jeff, father of the year. Second: dammit. Just… dammit. This was a big fat hand grenade in a giant handbasket that they didn’t have time to gently get out while simultaneously not yanking the pin clean off with the grace of a drunk elephant. Jeff was no stranger to Survivor’s Guilt, but there was a whole untapped pile of metaphorical C4 within his son’s head that was ready for someone to push the goddamn button.

He wanted it to be him, desperately, because it sounded like he already failed his family enough, it was all he could do at this point, but he absolutely hated that he couldn’t do it right now. This was going to take a lot of time, which they didn’t have, plus, Jeff thought he had a pretty good understanding of this new Scott and the rest of his kids. Jeff was aware that if he didn’t help his sons find their baby as fast as possible over everything else it’ll lead to a fate nobody wanted.

A shaky sigh, “Okay, Scotty, let’s get you to bed. We’ll talk strategy in the morning.”

Scott simply nodded as his father flung Scott’s arm around his broader shoulders and picked him up. Slowly and painfully but surely, father and son meandered their way to Scott’s room. With a thump a little harder than Jeff wanted, Scott flopped down on top of his sheets and immediately started snoring. Despite everything that just happened, the father couldn’t help but grin at the sight. Well, there was another thing Jeff gracefully passed onto his son.

Jeff only took Scott’s shoes off. He would’ve loved to pull the sheets up around him too, but the father didn’t want to take any chances at waking him up. Slowly tip-toeing out of the room, Jeff gave one last glance back at his son before finally letting him be and gently shutting the door. He had three other sons he needed to console, but his tired joints told him to selfishly take a moment for himself for right now unless he wanted to collapse and give his family more to deal with.

Jeff eventually made his way to his room-- which was sadly unkempt, he noticed-- and sat down on the edge of his unfamiliar bed to think.

He’ll figure something out. If he had to crawl through images of his son being brutally and bloodily tortured then by God he would with the fury of a thousand suns.

He was back and he wasn’t going to throw away any second or even third chance he was given.

---

“I got him.”

Virgil turned his comms back on, and with it, Scott’s heart restarted for the first time in a few weeks. Taking a moment for a breather, Scott leaned against the wall while practically wheezing. They have him back, holy shit, they have him back. Scott vaguely heard Gordon cry in pure relief and joy. He saw John’s side of the comms flutter for a bit before a bright flash happened. Blinking away the white spots, Scott looked at his wrist to see a fully detailed map of the compound.

Gordon spoke what they were all thinking, “Woohoo! First Allie comes back, then Johnny-boy gets us a free ticket out of here! We’re winning this race, baby!”

A very loud moment of silence. John cleared his throat, “Actually, I was going to say glad to see you in one piece, you little shit,” a playful gasp came from Virgil’s side. It was too high pitched to be from the pianist’s mouth. Scott chuckled, but the paranoid part of his brain said John wasn’t done. His brain was right, ‘“But guys… that wasn’t me. Or EOS. We still haven’t found a way to get past the metal they made these walls out of.”

That silence was even more deafening than the last, and before Virgil could utter out his typical what the fuck, a small logo appeared at the corner of their new map. One that was all too familiar. The Chaos Crew wasn’t the only one who could brand their awful deeds.

Son of a bitch.

Virgil’s order over the radio was meant for Alan, but Scott couldn’t help but listen to it too.

“Shit, Alan, you need to run.”

Making quick work of the compound once more, Scott, while booking it even quicker than last time, opened a private line between him and Gordon, “Hey, how would you feel if I said go help Virgil while I cover Alan?”

The first response was stuttering, which Scott expected, but then it was followed up by something completely out of left field for Gordon, “... Okay, just as long as you promise to bring Alan back in one piece.”

Part of Scott wanted to console Gordon, another was questioning why Gordon was so quick to give up, another wanted to say of course, I will, idiot, but the first part that made itself verbal was easy, “You know I will, buddy.”

Scott could physically picture Gordon’s tiny, little, somber nod clear as day, “Sounds good, captain. See you on the other side.”

With a click, Scott was back on the group comm. Suddenly remembering what exactly his job was, he pulled out the map so graciously given to them by The Hood. Looking at all the dots, one was heading towards a prone one (oh if that asshole did anything to Virgil…) while another one was heading right for Scott himself. Actually, in just a few seconds, right as Scott rounded the corner he would--

“Woah, look out there, Tigger!”

Yes, you heard that correctly: not tiger, Tigger. Tigger hadn’t been used since Alan was itty bitty. It always seemed like the kid had endless energy with the way he wouldn’t stop bounding off the walls and furniture. Even as a baby, Lucy had to sit with him for a few hours while he slept in his crib to make sure he would stay there. In fact, their mother gave Alan that nickname herself. She was quite the Winnie the Pooh fan, and the rest of the family figured it would be one of the ways they could keep her legacy alive for the tiny potato.

Wrapping his arms around said flailing potato, albeit much bigger than a baby, Scott thought he would collapse then and there. Alan was here, in his arms, and yeah, the sight of his dirty and somewhat ripped up IR uniform made him mad, but Scott, for once in his life, decided to focus on the here-and-now, aka his precious, alive little brother, who finally stopped struggling at the realization that hey, the person holding you is a good guy, time to turn off fight mode.

Smushing their foreheads together as much as possible, Scott desperately fought to keep the waterworks back, a smile from ear to ear hopefully taking whatever energy his tear ducts had, “You are getting such an ass beating when we get home, little bro.”

Alan jumped back with a look of What the hell?! What did I do now?!

Scott simply rolled his eyes, “Really? “Not important”? You graduated high school, tiny dude! That’s huge! You remember Gordon’s party, right?”

Alan’s mouth gaped before he closed it with slightly puffy cheeks. Those same cheeks tinged with a small blush. Alan wasn’t exactly expecting to be smothered so soon (well, he did cry his eyes out on Virgil’s shoulder, but that was different!). Shaking it off, Alan moved his hands rhythmically and rapidly, To be fair, we weren’t sure he was going to get one for a while.

Scott faltered a little bit at the ASL. Darn, he should’ve seen Alan’s lack of talking from a mile away. Scott carefully hid his disappointment from Alan. Lord knew what the kid would take it as, “Yeah, that’s what he got for barely making it. Imagine what you’re going to get!”

Scott assumed his semi-fake charm worked, as Alan seemed to play along without any kind of suspicion, Oh yeah. Fair enough.

This kid, man.

Then, slow clapping came from a dark corner, making Scott’s heart leap out of his throat as well as push Alan behind himself. Glaring as much as he could towards the invisible evil-doer, Scott didn’t have to think twice, “Alan, take my map and find Virgil and Gordon.”

The youngest looked like he was going to object.

“Go.”

He no longer did. Good.

Listening to the field commander’s orders, Scott felt his wristband slip off his wrist and a warm body leave his vicinity. An inhale. Also good. An exhale, followed by an even darker glare, “What more do you want?”

Short and straight-to-the-point and angry, two things Scott typically wasn’t. Regardless, like a cold gust of wind, footsteps started approaching him from the shadow. Once Scott saw the outline of a body, he tensed even more. Virgil would snap at him for clenching his jaw so much.

A dark chuckle reminded him of what was important. The voice that spoke reminded him of something completely different, “Now then, brother, let’s not be rude to each other!”

Scott’s pupils shrunk at the familiar sight of Gordon stepping towards him. Except it wasn’t Gordon, because Scott knew that Gordon knew better. He also knew Gordon didn’t cheekily smile like that, even after a prank, nor did he walk that straight. He always had a funny walk after WASP, and Gordon wore that fact like a badge of honor.

Oh no, Scott definitely knew who this was, “What the hell are you playing at?”

Fake-Gordon rolled his eyes, like it wasn’t obvious, “I mean if we want to go that route, why did kid insist you being in the military was the coolest thing he’d ever heard you do? Maybe I wouldn’t have been pressured into joining a branch myself in the end.”

Scott’s nostrils flared, and by God, his pupils might have actually slitted like a snake’s, or possibly even a dragon’s, “Excuse me?”

Scott blinked, and suddenly he was met by not-Virgil, “Plus, why was our conclusion after hearing a three-year-old wanting to see snow to go to a ski resort? It had to have been those big, selfish, beady eyes, right?”

“C’mon, Scotty, we gotta give you some kind of calming exercise. There’s going to come a time when neither me or John are going to be there.”

“Hmm… does yoga work?”

A snort, “Well, that’s not too bad of an idea. Maybe the person pissing you off will stop whatever they’re doing at the sight of you spontaneously doing downward dog.”

Laughter, an unfamiliar action, “Yeah, okay, but for real, those breathing exercises I’ve seen you do look okay. Let’s start there.”

Scott was not a liar by heart. He had to admit that those exercises were doing jack shit right about now.

Another blink, another brother. Familiar ginger hair was all Scott could see, “To continue that previous point, why did Dad start International Rescue again? And what led to his demise?”

“Sounds like a piece of work. Why do you keep dealing with these people again?”

“Someone has to pay the bills, Johnny. Grandma’s too focused on making the perfect poison for us.”

A roll of eyes, “Right, because the billions we have saved wouldn’t be enough to last a couple of families a few lifetimes. Glad to see your calming exercises are working at least. How’s that going for you, by the way?”

A pause. A flicker of vision around the room. Someone cleared their throat, probably himself, “It’s probably not as bad as whatever space is throwing at you. You handling it okay up there?”

Another pause, followed by a sigh, “Well, since you asked so nicely…”

Scott wanted to deflect the truth so badly right now more than anything else. Telling him he couldn’t pilot ‘One anymore would be a much more enticing option than what he was hearing.

Suddenly, Scott was looking in a mirror, “Besides, I know more than anybody that he wasn’t wanted. A mistake. I thought we Tracys hated being imperfect?”

The Hood must have known their backstories from internet articles, and being the mastermind he was, it probably took him all of three seconds to see Alan had some hidden self-worth issues. By playing the biggest Guess Who? game of all time, The Hood was most likely able to figure out some less-than-positive ideals Alan thought about himself throughout his childhood and danced circles around his already weakened mind to string together some spineless blame to put on the kid by sheer evilness alone.

Knowing his kid brother, it worked.

Scott wasn’t thinking straight-- maybe even at all when the first punch was thrown.

Just like that, Scott blacked out and was running on terminator mode. John would be disappointed. Virgil would be horrified. Gordon might find it funny. Alan wasn’t here, and thank God for that. Scott wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing. All his mind was telling him was make lots of pain hard and fast. His brain also blocked out any hit The Hood was giving him in return. Pain flared for a few seconds, then it was swept away in the puddle of rage his mind was currently being consumed in.

Soon, his out-of-it mind found its target and gripped his-- The Hood’s arm, no disguise would make him have an identity crisis, thank you very much-- nice and rough.

Scott heard the familiar snap of cartilage and felt only partially bad. If he was thinking more clearly, he would be disgusted with himself. Yes, even The Hood didn’t deserve this level of Scott’s fury. Oh, he definitely deserved to be hit by a truck, but not by Scott. It was mostly due to Scott’s sanity. If he could be this graphic and violent at all, even to the worse possible criminals, that meant he could be that way during other moments, and that was not a territory he wanted to cross into.

Welp, he was here now, and he’ll hate to admit it in the future, but the only thing that brought him out of it was a tiny gasp from a few feet away. Snapping his head up, Scott’s eyes landed squarely on a smaller-than-normal Alan, who was currently clutching his arm to his chest in an emotion Scott didn’t want to figure out at the moment. So much for going and finding Virgil and Gordon.

“Allie, help…” fake him grunted out, only making real Scott growl and tighten his hold (and probably making his case worse). Looking up from the person in his arms, Scott felt his heart split in two at the sight. There was fear and uncertainty in Alan’s blue eyes and boy did it hurt. Scott couldn’t tell if it was because even seeing a potentially-fake Scott being beaten up was bad or if it was because he’d never seen big brother be this brutal, even towards their enemies. Whatever the reason, it involved Scott being the main root of the problem.

Wait, that was The Hood’s plan. Shit… make Scott act past the point of no return in a way that was unfamiliar to Alan so the kid couldn’t be fully sure who was who, and Scott fell right into his trap, hook, line, and sinker.

Fuck.

Bloody well done, Scott, you absolute moron.

Scott faltered a little bit, “A-Alan, I--”

That falter was enough for The Hood to break an arm out of his grip and elbow him in the face. In the brief second of freedom he had, he tried dashing towards Alan, but Scott was too quick for everyone’s good and soon had the imposter back in his arms, both of them struggling in a way that made them look like they were tied into the weirdest knot in existence.

Then, an earthquake struck.

No, literally.

A big shake of the abandoned compound threw the look-a-likes about and subsequently off the platform they were on. The place was old; it didn’t take a lot of weight for that guard rail they made their way over towards while fighting to snap right off. With a yelp, the two of them gripped the edge as much as they could and held on. Crap, I know we talked with Fuse about potentially setting some stuff off, but--

Blinking, Scott saw a familiar mop of blonde hair come into view. Alan was rather panicked, clearly not sure which Scott was the real Scott. Not only that, he had little time to decide which one to save. Goodie, another reason to despise The Hood: not only has he put Alan through weeks of torment, now he’s forcing the kid to decide to either save his oldest brother and biggest hero or his personal torturer.

And Alan won’t know until he picks.

Holy hell, this was getting worse by the second. Hopefully, big brother charm can work its magic and get them the hell out of there.

“Alan, quickly, over here!”

“I can’t hold on for much longer, Alan, hurry!”

The two Scotts glared at one another in the exact same way, not making Alan’s job much easier. Another shake, another slip down the metal cliff, more screams, and Alan looked ready to tear his hair out. Scott watched as the kid looked around rapidly, probably praying for a miracle in the process. Suddenly, the kid jumped when he must have spotted something important. Within the blink of an eye, he was gone and out of their range of visions to retrieve it.

Whatever the hell he noticed better be important, because if just ended up wasting precious time then--

Another shake, probably the last one. Still, it was enough.

Both their grips gave away at the same time, screams identical (God, did he always sound that wimpy?) as they plummeted to their demises. Scott was briefly able to look up to see his brother pop his head over the cliff like a chipmunk again and grab the (albeit broken) arm of The Hood and save him. Dammit, Scott should have expected that, though, that display of anger was uncharacteristic to Alan. Probably terrified him even more than he already was. Fuck, Scott deser--

Suddenly, a rope wrapped itself around Scott’s left arm and stopped his descent. Hard. Hopefully, it was only torn stuff, they didn’t have time to deal with dislocation--

Wait.

Scott wasn’t dead if he could think about these kinds of things.

Blinking, he looked at his arm to see the familiar rope of his grappling hook around his forearm. Moving his eyesight to look past that, he saw the wide, blue eyes of his baby brother struggling to stay on top. The Hood was using his non-broken side to try and climb his way back up to safety. Huh, that’s weird. When did Alan get ahold of that? Scott must have dropped it during his scuffle with--

That’s when it hit Scott.

Alan saved them both.

Alan saved them both.

And it would be all for jack shit if Scott didn’t get his ass up there to help.

Panicking, Scott gripped the rope and started to ascend. He had two working arms and a smother complex to boot; it wasn’t long before he overtook a struggling Hood, who could only use one arm and a weakened brother (that bastard was so lucky Alan had a literal heart of gold).

Flinging his arms over the edge and pulling himself up-- and shrugging off the extra help Alan offered. Save your strength, baby bro-- Scott was in a much calmer search-and-destroy mode. He yanked his evil look-a-like up, turned him on his stomach, pinned him down, and before he could even watch Alan blink, “Sign something.”

There, now he watched Alan blink.

Scott pulled out one of his best ‘big brother’ smiles ever, “Tell me something in ASL. I don’t think The Hood learned that kind of etiquette.”

The body beneath him growled, making Alan jump and Scott tighten not only his hold but his glare. Further prove big brother’s point, why don’t cha? He lost the angry look immediately to grin at Alan once more, who seemed to be slowly getting the picture. With a gulp, the blonde slowly strung together a sentence that Scott had to laugh at, just a little bit.

Damn, could you teach me to fight like that, Scooter?

Nodding his head, Scott had to concede, “Sure. Consider it a graduation present.”

Alan blinked again, and the immense relief that washed over the boy’s shoulders would be enough to banish nightmares for at least a couple of days. Suddenly, The Hood’s disguise blinked out of existence, making both brothers jump that time. Scott didn’t falter in his grip, however. This man was going down right here and now, Scott thought darkly, staring at the prone body beneath his.

Scott saw Alan continue to sign out of the corner of his eye, You know you look like shit, right?

Scott chuckled. Alan was always able to put a smile on his face no matter the circumstances, “Yeah, well, kindred spirits, little bro.”

Scott was probably as pale as Alan was with such lack of sleep and food. Running on what was essentially a prolonged PTSD attack wasn’t healthy in the slightest, and no doubt whatever kind of bruises and scratches The Hood gave him didn’t help, however, seeing hope fill those deep-blue eyes when Alan learned he was truly being saved drowned everything out, including the way those freckles were getting lost in those eye bags.

Yeah, their entire family probably looked like shit, and the recovery process was going to be even shittier, but they were going to suffer through it together as a family would.

That made it all worth it.

Shuffling himself so one arm was free while the other kept The Hood pinned, Scott held it out towards Alan. The flinch the youngest made tore a hole in Scott’s heart that was only slightly patched when Alan leaned into the warmth and safety of his biggest bro. Long recovery process, remember? Regardless, Alan still took to the hug like a dehydrated zebra did a pond, and that was good enough for Scott.

The Hood groaned underneath them.

Yep, good enough.

[carbonatedcosmo]

all the fandom questions for DMC

OH THAT’S NEARLY ALL OF EM LMAO THIS IS GONNA BE A DOOZY

“What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?”

ok so i know a pretty good portion of the dmc fandom is SUPER on board with nero x kyrie but like??? they’re basically adopted siblings??? and i HATE the adopted sibling romance trope so in my personal dmc canon nero and kyrie do love each other but Only As Siblings

“Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?”

again, nero x kyrie! the way i see it, nero sees kyrie as his sister and kyrie sees nero as her brother because nero grew up with her in an environment that would lend to their relationship being more like that of siblings

“Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?”

uuuuhhh yes?? kind of??? they were someone who shipped nero x v, which is a ship im not overly comfortable with myself but that’s all i’ll say on that

“Do you have a NoTP in your fandom? Are they a popular OTP?”

uuuuuuhhhhhh???? i’ve seen a decent amount of fanart of vergil x dante like. come ON they’re BROTHERS stop making them KISS

“Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?”

uh? not that i can recall? i used to be on board with nero x kyrie myself but then i remembered that in kyrie’s character description in dmc4 it says her relationship with nero is that of a “brother, friend, and lover all in one” and that’s the fault of capcom themselves for describing the relationship that way, not necessarily the fandom’s fault

“Most disliked character(s)? Why?”

none i like all of them they’re all amazing

except arkham. absolute garbage dad in dmc3, lady deserved a better father than him

“Most disliked arc? Why?”

hm. im not really sure? i think all of the main characters have pretty decent arcs tbh

“Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?”

are there any unpopular characters in the dmc fandom??? i have no idea. i’ve seen a little bit of hate for nero (mostly in youtube comments) but idk if that counts. if it does, fuck those people nero’s baby and i adore him

“Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?”

again, i don’t think so? i don’t really get too into the discourse in the dmc fandom so i don’t have a full grasp over what’s popular and what’s not. though, i do recall seeing a bit of stuff about how people don’t like that v seems to have just been a one-off character and how they wish he could’ve been a completely separate character from vergil, but, as short as it was, i enjoyed v’s arc! i think, in the time that vergil’s human and demon halves were separated, v was able to grow a little and also sort of begin to start healing from his trauma when vergil wouldn’t let himself deal with it properly, and since v realized how important everything he threw away really was, i think vergil retained that when he became whole again and i think it’s really cool!!!

“Unpopular opinion about XXX character?’

SLAMS MY HANDS DOWN. LADY AND TRISH ARE BADASS QUEENS AND I AM LITERALLY SO MAD THAT THEY’RE ONLY IN DMC5 TO BE SEXY. THE ONLY THING THEY DID THAT IMPACTED THE PLOT EVEN A LITTLE WAS UNWILLFULLY BE SERVANTS OF URIZEN AND WHEN THEY WERE PULLED OUT OF THE DEMON BODIES URIZEN TRAPPED THEM IN THEY WERE NAKED AND A POINT WAS MADE OF SHOWING OFF THEIR BODIES AT LEAST A LITTLE AND I THINK THEIR POTENTIAL WAS WASTED 

“Unpopular opinion about your fandom?”

why do so many people in this fandom seem to ship spardacest of any degree. why. can i just go through the dmc5 tag without seeing vergil smooching his son or vergil smooching his brother or v smooching nero or-

“Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?”

nothing the dmc anime is perfect in every single way

“If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?”

nothing the dmc anime is perfect in every single w-

“Instead of XYZ happening, I would have made ABC happen…”

ok there are very few moments in the game i would replace with something new entirely, but i would add nero calling urizen a whore at least once like just imagine nero gets yeeted into a wall by urizen and he just goes “ow...whore” like that’d be so fucking funny

“Does not shipping something ‘popular’ mean you’re in denial and/or biased?”

absolutely fuckin not my dude sometimes you’re just not on board with the most popular ships in the fandom and that’s totally okay! as long as ur not shipping incest or any kind of abusive dynamic i literally dont care if you don’t ship the popular ships

“What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?”

*inhales deeply* spardacest

“What is the purest ship in the fandom?”

ok i’ve seen literally NO ONE ELSE who ships these but lady x trish and nero x nico. lady and trish are lesbians that are dating each other and my proof is that episode of the anime where lady and trish don’t know each other so they’re fighting because trish is a demon and lady’s someone who hunts demons and trish was just trying to Not Die so they fight for the whole episode but then they find out that they’re each a friend of dante’s so they go and buy a bunch of expensive clothes together and send the bill to dante and that was their first date and now they’re girlfriends and idk man nero and nico just have a fun dynamic that made me go “they’re totally dating each other”

“What are your thoughts on crack ships?”

ok so like, in general, crack ships are fun as hell just for some shits and giggles but i haven’t really seen any crack ships in the dmc fandom??? though i think there’s plenty of potential there for a few of those and im interested to see if the fandom will come up with any crack ships!!

“Popular character you hate?”

none i absolutely adore all of them

“Unpopular character you love?”

are there any unpopular characters in this fandom? are there??? though i guess if i wanna go back to what i said about seeing a little bit of nero hate (again, mainly in youtube comments), i absolutely LOVE nero and to those people who say he doesn’t have a lot of character: yes he DOES you’re just not LOOKING HARD ENOUGH

“Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not?”

OH YES ABSOLUTELY, bro even though i certainly have my gripes about the dmc franchise, it’s SUCH a good series in spite of all that! the combat system is pretty neat (and only gets better in the later games), the music is absolutely bangin, there’s so many fun, iconic characters, the story is, for the most part, incredibly engaging and compelling, and honestly pretty much the whole series is just a family squabble but if everyone in the family was superpowered by having demonic heritage and OH YEAH THEY HAVE SWORDS

“How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?”

i wouldn’t end the dmc series any differently than capcom did!! i really enjoy that dmc5 ended with dante and vergil finally settling their differences and ending their lifelong rivalry (after nero bitch slapped dante and beat the shit out of vergil), and it looks like dante and vergil’s story has come to a very satisfying end! i don’t see where else capcom can go with the twins, but if they do make more dmc games, i would absolutely love to follow more of nero’s adventures and see how he continues to grow, both as a person and a devil hunter!!! you hear me, capcom??? give me more content with my hyper wild boy or i’ll personally come kick your asses

“Most shippable character?”

hm. im gonna say dante, i think!! let the man have a boyfriend

yeah i said it dante’s gay whatcha gonna do about it

“Least shippable character?”

vergil. definitely vergil, but that’s only because i personally see him as aromantic! i think he certainly wants to be loved, yes, but less in a romantic sense and more in a familial sense, ya feel? i would love to see him interact with nero more and see how he navigates that relationship, because i think it would be really interesting to see how he takes to having a son of his own!! but that’s a discussion for another post entirely; i view vergil as aromantic so he’s not really looking for a romantic relationship with someone but that won’t stop (and hasn’t stopped) him from sleeping with people lmao

was that all of them? i think that may have been all the fandom related ones but please let me know if i missed any!! hoo boy it feels good to go off about this LMAO

[saibh29]

Minor Head Trauma (Part 3)

Pairing: Will Halstead x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, Drugs (misuse)

AN: I’m not a doctor, please don’t think my medical advice etc is in any way accurate. Also i’m not American and haven’t been to Chicago so I apologise if my geography or depiction isn’t right. 

When an old friend of Ethan Choi show’s up in Chicago ED she’s about to make life very uncomfortable for Will Halstead

Part One  Part Two 

********

Predictably, you had not been allowed to rest when you’d gotten back to the base. After giving your team a debrief of what had actually happened to you the General had then sent you straight back to regular duty. Sometimes he made you wonder whether he was more inclined to be your General or your father. You only thought about it sometimes, because if you tried too hard and really thought about it you were worried you wouldn’t like the answer.

That had been a week ago, your head was pretty much fully healed, you were still getting the occasional headache but it wasn’t anything that was making you suffer too greatly, you suffered much more simply from having to deal with Nolan 24 hours a day.

Rooting around in the pockets of your jeans you found a handful of change and counted it up desperate that it reached the right amount for a large mug of black coffee.

Luckily it seemed your pockets for once were deep enough to scrounge the right coins.

You pushed your way into the tiny coffee shop near the base, it was always filled to the brim with off duty service men and women. Men and women who had more sense than to risk the base’s cafeteria.

Elbowing your way to the front of the queue and glaring at any squaddies that tried to get in your way you ordered your coffee from the overly stressed barista and then fought with another customer who insisted that the coffee you’d ordered was his instead of yours.

By the time you squeezed back out of the café you were once again in a miserable, pissed off mood. What you saw though in front of you shocked you right out of that mood once again.

“Dr Halstead?”

“Captain Y/L/N” he looked almost embarrassed.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was, uh, I was looking for you”

“for me?”

Rubbing at the back of his neck Will took a few steps towards you. “I thought I’d check up on you, on your head”

“My head is fine. I told you, it’s pretty thick” you moved out of the way of a group of squaddies coming through the doors again which put you a bit closer to Will. “How’d you even find me?”

“Oh, uh, Nolan, he had to give a phone number on your arrival to the ED. I rang him, he told me you’d probably be here”

“Ok” frowning you sipped at the coffee in one hand. “next question, why?”

“Why?”

“Why are you ringing Nolan and turning up outside the coffee shop I go to to try and find me?”

Ok, now he really did look embarrassed. It was sort of cute, but didn’t answer your question. “Are you busy? I mean, do you have to head back to the base straight away?”

“I don’t” you did. Why were you saying you didn’t? You were going to get in so much trouble for this. Will was smiling though and your brain wasn’t functioning. “What did you have in mind Dr Halstead?”

“You really need to call me Will”

“You going to stop calling me Captain?”

“Maybe”

He was too charming for his own good, with that little half smile thing he was pulling off, hell the man was just… yummy. “So, what do you want to do Will?”

“Walk with me?” It was getting to be Autumn and even though the chill was starting to settle it was still warm enough to walk without turning into an icicle. “You look good in a uniform Captain”

“You didn’t look bad in your own either Doctor Halstead”

Together you walked down the street, you weren’t in the best area of Chicago and dilapidated social housing marred most of your view. Windows boarded over with chipboard and gang tags sprayed onto them. You didn’t even notice though; you were focused on Will.

Being focused so much on Will was probably what made you miss it, the shadow in the alley coming up in front of you, the hand waving at you and then suddenly the whisper of your name.

“Y/N”

Stalling beside Will you peered around him and found the frantic eyes of your informant. What the hell was he doing this side of Chicago.

“Daniel, what the hell?” you moved quickly pushing him back into the alley out of sight of any curious residents who still had glass in their windows. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you Y/N, real bad like”

The boy was shivering and trembling uncontrollably and the frantic look in his eyes filled you into the problem quite quickly. “Fuck Daniel, you’re strung out”

“Please Y/N…”

“I told you” you snapped “no drugs, I'm not fuelling your addiction”

“Y/N?” Will, crap, he’d followed you into the alley and was looking at Daniel in concern. “He doesn’t look so good”

“He’s fine”

“Y/N…”

“No drugs Daniel. It was our deal”

“I think they were bad” he chattered out “Y/N, I'm not high like usual”

“What?” you weren’t a doctor, you had no idea how different drugs affected the body. Really looking at him though you realised that maybe Will was right. Daniel didn’t look good and you’d seen him at some pretty fucking low points. “Will?”

Will was already moving to Daniel pushing him down onto a broken packing crate, the young man’s trembling seemed to have turned almost violent now and the shivers were racking his whole body.

“What did you take?”

Daniel’s eyes flicked off Will and back to you, not strung out enough to not be naturally nervous of a stranger he didn’t know. “Speak Daniel, he’s safe”

“Don’t know” you could barely understand him, he was finding it difficult to speak from the chattering of his teeth. “They gave me a syringe”

“You fucking idiot, and you just took it?”

“I had no choice”

“Y/N, we need to get him to the ED” Will was pressing his fingers onto various parts of Daniels body, obviously looking for something.

“How did you get here?”

“Drove”

“Let’s go then”

Will got his shoulder underneath Daniel’s arm and helped get the younger man back up to his feet he then rooted around in his pocket throwing his car keys at you. “I want to keep an eye on him, you drive” Will pointed back down the street. “Car’s that way”

That was quite a decent distance to go in broad daylight. The last thing Daniel, or you for that matter, needed was to be seen together. “Wait”

Pulling off your jacket you removed the top layer of your uniform, the simple khaki fleece, put the jacket back on and then shoved Daniel’s skinny arms through the fleece which also had a hood thank the lord, you pulled that over Daniel’s head.

Will thankfully didn’t question this just held Daniel still enough for you to dress him. When you were as happy as you could be that no one would be able to recognise him you nodded at Will. “Let’s get him to hospital”

Will bundled Daniel into the back seat of his car getting in as well and you started up the engine. Your driving skills had been honed in a military Humvee, driving through the sand dunes of Afghan being shot at by insurgents hence it had been mentioned by your civilian friends that you were a little… crazy.

Your dangerous (you’d debate that label) driving meant you got back to Chicago Med in record time. Daniel was now turning a sickly yellow colour and sweat was beading his face. He really didn’t look good.

Will had to practically carry him into the ED shouting for various other drugs and tox screenings while he laid Daniel down onto a trolley.

“You idiot” you said again, a lot less vehemence behind it though this time. “What was your big plan here? Wait in that alley until I randomly turned up?”

You couldn’t understand a single word that Daniel said this time. Instead you took hold of his hand. “Will’s a good doctor. He’ll get you fixed up. Then me and you, we’re going to have a discussion”

Will was back and breaking the hold you had on Daniel’s hand as he moved you out of the room. “He needs to be registered on the system”

“He can’t be registered Will”

“I thought that may be the answer”

“I'm sorry…” nurses were running in and out of the cubicle that Daniel was laid in, doing the various tests that Will had ordered. “I can register myself again”

“What?”

“I came back for a check up for my head. Charge me for everything”

“You wouldn’t need those tests for a head wound. It would be questioned why I ordered them”

“Will” grabbing his hand you pulled him away from the bustle of the ED and into a quieter corner. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you’re being involved in this but understand me when I say that Daniel can NOT be registered at this ED. For more than his own sake”

Will remained silent staring down at you.

“Please”

“I’ll bring you the forms. Fill them out for yourself… Y/N if this…”

���It won’t bounce back on you. I promise I won’t let it”

“The general?”

“Among other things. Just don’t let him die Will”

“You’re going to be a problem, aren’t you?”

“Always”

Before you could really compute what was happening Will had bent down, pressed his lips against yours in a kiss that seared a trail all the way through your body and then he’d disappeared again. Striding back into Daniels room, where you could hear his voice shouting out demands for even more tests.

Fuck, this was going to be all kinds of problems and you weren’t even sure if it was Daniel that you were thinking about.

*****

@clementines-x​ @the-chosen-one-time-lord​ @no-other-names-availible-blog​ @angelaiswriting​ @selldraug​ @angryares​ @thenovarose​ @georgiagrl1990​ @punk-rock-5-sos @mindofthescattered​  @dontstopxx​ @iamabeautifulperson18​ @madelinecraig03​ @ka-x-in​ @im-hurric4ne @mesmericbell​ @something–awesome @weirdpotato-14​ @putinontheritzz​ @soulslaststand​ @fuckthatfeeling​  @ember1201​ @morganlb23​ @kitkatbadass @tomhopperarms​  @fakingintrest​ @artprincessbree​  @dreamer-lover-laughter​ @artprincessbree​ @rime-warrior​ @captainvaneswife​ @jaib2-blog @kapolisradomthoughts​ @thingsandstuffienjoy​ @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked​ @aya-fay​  @itsbubbaog​ @hp-hogwartsexpress​ @emmykinzs​ @thatbadassunicorn​ @sassywingednightmare​ @weirdnewbie​ @goyawriter​ @shipperfangirling​ @nathaliabakes​ @stillreadingfantasy @waywardblueshun

[flockofdoves]

someone i was casually friends with in high school messaged me out of the blue a year ago about lgbt friendly churches even though i know i never really talked about religion and if i did he wouldve known i wasnt really involved with organized religion anymore. of course i tried my best and told him im not too personally familiar but listed stuff ive heard from others and found a couple resources and said if he wanted i could ask around more

but yeah now hes come out on social media and im really happy for him.

i dont want to be egotistical im sure he reached out to other people at the time too but nonetheless it is really interesting to me how a decent amount of people from middle/high school throughout the years have come to me for lgbt resources (whether as allies or for themselves) or have come out to me before most people in their lives.

it certainly gave me plenty of trauma and harrassment to deal with (not that people in other situations couldnt have other trauma to deal with of course) and it certainly can be kind of weird thinking about the why and who and how of it all growing up and how i was targeted before i even knew anything about myself. but also im really glad that i was the first person i knew at my school in middle school to come out way before anyone else and was presenting gnc throughout so much of that too. im grateful for what that meant for me and im realizing maybe for others too way more than all the shit that came with that.

[cdfreak]

3? (but also i wanna hear about all of them)

sok 3 got answered already but. since u said u wanna hear abt all of them ill talk abt 2 for ya!!!

2 is Deryn!!! The first one I made, my princess oc!!

doll maker used https://meiker.io/play/11592/online.html

I’m gonna try and tell this in chronological order but i might get it switched up a lot oops

Alright lets stare at the Beginning, with Deryn’s kingdom

Deryn’s ancestors used to rule a kingdom that im too lazy to name. It was underground, in large caverns, protected from the unbearable heat of the Crimson Waste by like a mile of dirt and rocks and shit. Life was pretty epic, they were way too deep in the Crimson Waste for anybody to even think about attacking them, and their Princesses had the power to manipulate & create heat and fire so it was decently easy to keep people and goods cool if they had to travel to different kingdoms as long as they had a Princess with them. Unfortunately, Mara’s ship crash-landed like. right fucking on top of the kingdom and the entire place fucking collapsed. Most of the citizens and royalty died, but like 2 dozen citizens and a handful of royalty were traveling at the time, and survived! 

The royalty tried to lead the remaining citizens and rebuild their kingdom above ground but no one was used to living aboveground and it didn't work at all. Most of the citizens left to other kingdoms or adapted to live on their own in the Crimson Waste, but a handful of citizens remained loyal and a gang was formed. They did their best to lead peaceful lives, but its the Crimson Waste so they had to come to terms with doing bad things sometimes. Fast forward like a million years idk  i don't remember the timeline of spop at ALL. It’s the tail end of the (first) war between the Horde and the Rebellion, and this baby named Deryn is born. He grows up learning to use his princess powers (manipulation/creation of heat and fire, as well as being immune to burns) Deryn’s mother dies when he’s 12. Things are pretty uneventful after that for like 7 years until Sonya shows up and then Deryn starts falling madly in love like the gay bitch he is (Deryns a he/him lesbian). 2 years later, when Deryn’s 21, his dad Pyro dies, and he becomes the leader of his gang. He’s been leading the gang for the past 2 years and he's not actually half bad.

Ok I wanna talk abt his powers a bit. first off i have no fucking clue where his like. magic princess power crystal thing is and im too lazy to figure out an explanation so for now he's got a bag of holding and the crystals chilling in there. His powers make him immune to burns, BUT he can still suffer from dehydration and stuff so while he's better equipped to survive in the desert he's not like. untouchable. also his body heat is FUCKED UP. he can control it because heat manipulation but the default is like. 150 degrees F (65.5 C) he doesn't get sick often because of the high body heat but when he encounters some weird desert virus that's adapted to extreme heat and he gets a fever? he's sitting there like

(art credit)

i mentioned in this post that hes got MAJOR beef with the horde and with the rebellion, allow me to explain. he values freedom above almost everything else and is a bit of an anarchist so he fuckin HATES the horde. Hes got no problem with the original rebellion, in fact he admires them for trying to defeat the horde, but he hates the new rebellion because they're teaming up with she ra and the old she ra (mara) destroyed his kingdom and killed a fuck ton of his ancestors and his ancestors’ citizens so hes got major beef w/ she ra

he wears the horde belt as a trophy cause he got it off a horde soldier he defeated in battle, and he wears she ras colors as a “fuck you weird magic tall lady MY colors now” thing. also the horde belt makes sure people know he isn't part of the rebellion and the she ra colors make sure people know he isn't part of the horde

ok personality time. this is mostly me projecting. he gets mad a Lot and is not good at coping with anything so he deals with the incredible amounts of trauma he has by just kinda. Thinking Hard until he gets really pissed and then he goes off into the desert and shoots giant columns of flame everywhere. hes bad at expressing emotions so sonya thinks hes kind of a massive dick for a while but like once they get close enough he feels more comfortable joking around and shit and she realizes oh hes not an asshole he just needs intense therapy.

hes very close to everyone in the gang, since they're all either like a parent figure or a sibling figure or some shit. Lewis (camp cook) is like a father to him (lewis is just very dad like in general and also Pyro and him were kinda dating for a while up until pyro died), Cordelia and Kaz are like his moms. Zero and Zusk are his little bros!!! and Ziri’s (bird lady extraordinaire) a bit of an older sister yknow?

i cant think of anything else 2 put but if i do ill rb!!!

[elle-eedee]

dcom daddies: ranked

whats up sluts i’m here to give you the content you did NOT know you needed: a foolproof algorithmic ranking of a mild selection of disney channel dads!

beast (descendants)

hotness scale: extremely tall (over a foot taller than me! this is Very Important to the scale) and he seems to be a mere thread’s width away from Unhinged at all times, which i love. i also think it’s very sexy of him to still have such a monstrous way about himself (what with the roaring and the growling) 20something years post-curse.... makes me wonder very vividly if such energies carry to the b*droom........ *clears throat* 10/10

quality of character scale: it eternally amuses me that beast seems to learn almost Nothing over the course of this trilogy. he’s literally pro-isle the ENTIRE time jsjdndjdjd..... not great considering it puts him directly at odds with his son (and, like, with social progress) but he Does seem to act the way he does with the kingdom’s safety in mind! plus when he’s not accidentally supporting magical fascism he’s super dorky. i love his goofy dance moves 7.5/10

total score: 17.5/20...... with this score alone you can tell this system isnt rigged bc if i had it my way he’d be winning

hades (descendants)

hotness scale: i hate his party city clown wig but i’m a total sucker for guys in makeup (EVEN THOUGH A DECENT SHADE OF LIPSTICK WOULD HAVE BROUGHT HIS ENSEMBLE TOGETHER. WHY DID THEY PROPOSE IT ON THE CHARACTER DESIGN WALL IF THEY WERENT GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH!!!) and i think the fact that hes Very Sleepy and doesnt own a dog makes him my dream guy 9.5/10

quality of character scale: he literally sings a song about how cool he thinks it is that he’s a shitty dad............ but he DOES come through when his kid needs him, so that’s nice i guess. i would have liked to see more of him but i’ll settle for reading and writing intricate fan works that delve into a hypothetical personality for him that’s mainly conjecture 7.25/10

total score: 16.75/20 i wanna see him in some preppy auradon clothes

jafar (descendants)

hotness scale: i wish i had nicer things to say about this man. he just....... bears so little resemblance to the original jafar it makes me :( maybe if he was more gangly, or if he carried himself w the same potent gay energy that og jafar has? itd also help it he wasnt a racist caricature. 4.5/10

quality of character scale: again, very much a racist caricature. jafar doesnt steal!!! why would This be what he chose to do with himself! but he does seem to be, perhaps, the least bad of the core four’s parents, which counts for something i suppose. 3/10

total score: 7.5/20 sorry bud

dr facilier (descendants)

hotness scale: listen. it’s dr facilier. what am i supposed to do, NOT give him a perfect score on the sexy scale? 10/10

quality of character scale: he just loves his daughter and wants to make sure she’s getting what’s hers!!!!! his dynamic with celia makes me really happy they seem so fun! though i guess you could argue it sucks that he’d send his darling babey dohter to do errands for big mean scary hades considering that Everyone on the isle seems to quake at the sight of him. but im sure facilier only does that to ensure that celia can hold her own! 8/10

total score: 18/20 and it’d probably be higher if we’d seen more of him

mr smee (descendants)

hotness scale: not only does this man fuck, judging by the ages of his kids he fucked RECENTLY. get it baby live your truth 7/10

quality of character scale: he seems to be SO kind and sweet to his baby sons..... holding their little hands and such!!! and judging by how nervous the kids are i’d imagine it was primarily smee’s idea for them to go to auradon. extremely noble sacrifice for their benefit even though he’ll miss them 10/10!!!!!

total score: 17/20 i want to kiss his hand, if he’ll have me

zevon necrodopolous (zombies)

hotness scale: every time i look at this man i think of this post. he’s the perfect amount of frumpy for my tastes and his voice is so unique!!!!! i’d let his z-band malfunction so he could *** ** ***** * ******* **** 9/10

quality of character scale: really really cares about his kids and wants them to be safe!! he raises his voice once which im not a huge fan of but i suppose it was justified given the circumstances. also that shot of him goofing about with d*le in the end scene shows remarkable capacity for forgiveness after decades of trauma and discrimination! what a guy. 9/10

total score: 18/20 an absolute dilf!!!!!

dale (zombies)

hotness scale: looks like an uncrustable. 0/10

quality of character scale: a fucking cop. die bitch! 0/10

total score: 0/20 get in since you wanna act clown

coach jack bolton (high school musical)

hotness scale: honestly pretty young for my tastes. and i literally Always swipe left on athletes, so..... fine looking, but not for me. 5/10

quality of character scale: obviously he grows as the series progresses but i feel like jack is Always in the way of troy getting what he wants, which sucks. i like that he’s kinda goofy on his off hours with his family exactly as much as i Hate how much he yells when hes on the job. i do wish we lived in the timeline where he and miss darbus actually had that duet about their disagreements, though. 5/10

total score: 10/20 truly an Average dcom daddy

vance evans (high school musical)

hotness scale: due to personal reasons i will be having bad taste. however, this man’s fashion sense in IMPECCABLE. i mean, the colors??? the unbuttoned collar???? come on now. there is also the gratuitous use of the d-word to consider......................... anyways 7.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s hard to tell how much of his interest in furthering troy’s career is out of sincerity and how much of it is sharpay nudging him. but either way the result is a man who supports his daughter unconditionally! he could be nicer to ryan, though (plus he’s an evil capitalist) 6/10

total score: 13.5/20 i feel like he and fulton have had Relations

mr gifford (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: listen, i’m a simple guy. i see a basic-looking man pursuing age gap romance in the midst of a mid-life crisis, i support him unconditionally. also i am just Really vibing with that oversized denim shirt on him!!! there’s an egregious amount of arm hair poking out that just works. good for him! and this is a small moment but i’m very flustered over his natural Touchy Feely instinct after wen pokes out his eye... however: man has no eyebrows. 8.5/10

quality of character scale: i’m not a child of divorce so i don’t know how this stuff works, but i feel like he springs a lot of major decisions on wen? not ideal. on the other hand, we DO stan that he has sydney move in before they’re married. this is not a christian home!!!! 6/10

total score: 14.5/20 probably my favorite lemonade mouth dad, but mostly because he’s like the only one paid any attention by the narrative

mr banjaree (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: men really have beautifully sculpted noses and we just let them, huh. i’m definitely overusing the word Handsome in this list, but in this case? i’m justified. mr banjaree’s beard suits him SO well and his hair looks so soft...... and we love the implicit cleanliness of a man who wears socks in the house! 8/10

quality of character scale: i super SUPER dont agree with this man’s Smothering-Adjacent Methods (and also i know firsthand that strict parentage just drives kids to be more rebellious, lmao) but all things considered he really just wants the best for his family PLUS he’s willing to meet mo halfway at the end! :’) 6/10

total score: 14/20 the way i feel about him is the way i feel when i get crushes on pastors in that You Are Complicit In My Trauma But We’re Gonna Kiss About It way

mr delgado (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: OOOOH GLASSES! 5/10

quality of character scale: it’s sort of implied that the Wacko Energies of charlie’s family are mostly the fault of his mom so it’s cool of this man to distance himself from that. he is, of course, still complicit in Whatever The Hell Her Deal Is unless he is constantly fighting with her offscreen 6/10

total score: 11/20 would have loved to see more of him

mr yamada (lemonade mouth)

hotness scale: another chapter in the saga of unbuttoned collars! doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to show off his strengths but i appreciate that he is not the thinnest dad in town 6.5/10

quality of character scale: WOW fuck this guy. very dismissive of stella’s aspirations!!!!! i don’t like that he feels the need to talk Over her to her mom when he’s asking about her vegetarianism. dude she is right there.... however it’s a lil touching when he holds her guitar up at the end, so... 4/10?

total score: 10.5/20 *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thinks about his slightly protruding tummy in his last scene* *thi

bob duncan (good luck charlie: it’s christmas!)

hotness scale: in keeping this Specific to the feature-length xmas special, i will say that bob duncan is QUITE handsome! disappointed that he was wearing a shirt in the scene at the pool.... ill bet if this movie came out post-workout/makeover he’d have been shirtless >:/ i feel robbed... spare tummy, sir? spare tummy? additionally i love a man who rolls up his sleeves AND a man who stans kaiju movies!! also i love that he, quite literally, canonically fucks 8.5/10

quality of character scale: he’s about as charmingly incompetent as he is in the show, but the difference here is that he literally did not do a damn thing wrong! all he wanted to do was be civil with his inlaws and he frankly deserves MUCH better. its clear from his banter with the kids that he loves them very much (also i love how frequently he feels the need to jump/dive for things in this movie. silly slapstick icon) 8.75/10

total score: 17.25/20 this man’s mere presence oozes nostalgia

jerry russo (wizards of waverly place: the movie)

hotness scale: this man was MADE for me. the bottomless collection of hawaiian shirts....... the TWO tummy out scenes..........the fucked up evil thing his voice does when the kids try to steal the spellbook!!! he really has it all. also i love that he is truly just trying to have some beach intercourse 9/10

quality of character scale: i love that even when he doesn’t remember the kids he still maintains a little dadly rapport with them? the instincts...... it’s also incredibly good of him to relive his decision to give up his magic without hesitation once he realizes the severity of the situation :’0 10/10

total score: 19/20 i’ve never seen an episode of the show but im really about to start

neil morris (dadnapped)

hotness scale: handsome....... mr morris makes me feel simultaneously like a sapiosexual AND a morosexual because although he completed enough schooling to become a dentist, he also threw it away for a writing career like an absolute champ. also i find it unbelievably charming how Along For The Ride he is about the idea of being kidnapped. a man after my own heart 8.25/10

quality of character scale: this is a tricky one...... neil DOES show active concern for his daughter’s safety when push comes to shove, but he also has my least favorite type of redemption arc: “you THOUGHT i was neglecting you, but actually i was thinking about you the whole time and just never expressed it! we good?” so like. bleh. but he’s pretty mild mannered which i deeply appreciate in a man! 6.5/10

total score: 14.75/20 maybe talk to your daughter instead of writing a macgyver ripoff, dumbass

major joe mason (princess protection program)

hotness scale: prime dad bod, very believable for his line of work. also he has such a Gentle Way about himself when he’s around princesses....... i love all the hand holding when he’s escorting rosie. absolutely my type 8.75/10

quality of character scale: gosh.... where do i even BEGIN!!! his whole dynamic with carter is so ideal... i was apprehensive at first because his job would require him to be Absent a lot of the time, but upon reflection it’s clear that he’s raised carter well enough that he can totally trust her to be on her own, and also she’s only sad to see him go because she sincerely enjoys his company. everything about his profession is so noble and i love the way he can carry himself as casually or as politely as a given situation calls for. worst thing he does is say “i might have to stop calling you ‘pal’” because his daughter is wearing a pretty dress. i wish he was my dad but i’ll settle for him being my husband 9.75/10

total score: 18.5/20 i almost made a ppp self insert this morning specifically for Him

ted thompson (zapped)

hotness scale: athletes arent sexy!! this guy’s face screams The Only Websites I Know How To Use Are Facebook And Reddit and also he’s a dog person BUT he is sporting quite the tumbey if i do say so myself and for that i shall let him live. 4/10

quality of character scale: ok i know the whole point of this movie is Boys Bad but i hate men who are loud and i hate dads who get Weird about the inherent femininity of their daughters. when he calls zoey “sport” and then cringes like he’s made a mistake? dumb and unnecessary. HOWEVER all of his efforts to bond with zoey are really really sincere. like when he fixes her music box? that has NOTHING to do with the app he just Does It!!!! the movey mightve rubbed off on me a little too much but there are multiple ways to show love and just bc im not used to his way doesnt mean it has no worth! 6/10

total score: 10/20 mr thompson sir im sorry i doubted you at the start of the film

rob adams (radio rebel)

hotness scale: this man dresses 5-10 years younger than he looks and i respect that for him. but i was expecting him to be a bit more of a slimeball considering how tara talks about him in the opening scene... and you guys know how much i love slimeballs. regardless, pretty handsome! 6.5/10

quality of character scale: it’s nice that he goes to such a Public and Corporate effort to connect to his stepdaughter! even if it’s in a way that financially benefits him, it’s pretty clear that he cares about this family and wants to do right by them. nothing exceptional, though 7/10

total score: 13.5/20 i GUESS i’d be down to smash if he asked

ralph bartlett (read it and weep)

hotness scale: ok i was gonna say something mean about the fact that he’s balding but honestly he has really nice arms........ in addition he’s really quirky and optimistic which i am going to admire into my grave!! when he gets excited about having customers during the finale his voice quirks with an almost charlie day-esque charm. handsome. ALSO he calls jamie “princess” which is!!!!!!! something 7.5/10

quality of character scale: the way ralph parents his kids is Very 2000s in that he kinda babies his daughter but gets to pal around with his son, but i guess both dynamics come from a place of love and he could be doing much worse. plus he’s an honest hardworking small business owner! i support him 7/10

total score: 14.5/20 i would definitely go out for pizza with him

dr james hartley (how to build a better boy)

hotness scale: THIS. THIS IS WHAT DCOM DADDIES ARE ALL ABOUT. gosh..... this is truly the Most dad ive ever seen in my life. i love how his hair is always mussed..... how he’s so Desperate to relax that he falls asleep after Fifteen Seconds of smooth jazz..... and also. like. hes a scientist?? hello??? pretty sexy of him. i want to give this man the relaxation he deserves 10/10

quality of character scale: ok so,,,...,, kinda fucked up that he lied to his whole family (with the possible exception of his wife—sidenote, WHY did they make dr hartley married? his wife never comes up except when bart says she’s out of town. let him be single so i can slide into those dms) and EXTRA kinda fucked up that he works for the government? what a scab. BUT it’s very very clear that he cares about his kids (and gabby) and prioritizes their safety above all else! also, did you SEE how happy he was when mae won homecoming queen....... he loves her so so so much! :’0 8.5/10

total score: 18.5/20 i thirst tweeted about this man and roger bart replied ‘Aw, thanks!’ so i dont know where to go from here

[starlinfae]

Update of sorts. I just found out recently that I've been diagnosed without my knowledge with psychotic personality and mixed personality since at least 2004 (I was diagnosed transgender 2008 though my first visits over that were in 2003 and it was overturned in 2017). Whether I've been knowledgeable in 2004 or 2003 about the first two diagnoses, I do not know but with my current state of being, I do not recall ever being told about those diagnoses or having been treated for either of them at said era or after until 2012 when I had an episode that gave me psychotic personality diagnosis and medication (which nulled my entire sense of self and identity and I lost all talents such as singing and arts and any and all personality traits I identified/identify myself by). And didnt affect however any of the symptoms it was prescribed for.

I had the trauma and dissociation test finished, with the parting words of the nurse admitting based on her idea of the extent of my research into did/osdd (truthfully a few pages on did-research website) that she had a difficult time administering the test and claimed that since childhood I've been without control creating characters (she did not explain where she got this belief) to appeal and try to gain affection from my parents (sounded like kitchen psychology to me and left me entirely confused),while the truth is because of my cult upbringing and unstable mother and the whole religious dynamic pervasive through every single day of my childhood, I would've been making everything worse by play pretending to be a boy toward my parents. (This was the nurses point, that I wanted to be a boy to gain affection as if that would have worked and become a valid method of gaining affection. I have no memories of such nature toward my parents. What I do remember however is macro managing my behaviour by watching my mothers reactions, where she didn't even have to say a word for me to begin changing my behaviour to avoid her flipping on me or punish me for being wrong).

So in short, the nurse said the test indicated zero dissociative symptoms despite the symptoms i told her and I later repeated them to the doctor (she wrote down that my symptoms don't show up in the test as well).

All the interactions of the nurse were leading and suggestive questions that never had a follow up question further than an answer she deemed to support her idea that I don't experience what I experience. As if she has never worked with a trauma patient that predominantly seeks to minimize and deny trauma and triggering experiences by masking them inside a positive thing or twisting it into a positive thing.

Most of the sessions I felt low key attacked and doubted and like I was supposed to know things I have no way of knowing, such as what happens when I experience amnesia or who fronted during the period I experienced amnesia or if someone else in the system knows what has happened during the time of memory loss or how often memory loss occurs (I only became aware of the specific memory loss because it directly involved other people and the appointment times were incorrect compared to which appointment I thought I was going to, if it had never come up the way it did, i never would have caught on the memory loss at all). If I'm the one with the amnesia, how am I supposed to know the answer to these questions?

Or forgetting details such as what lead to my first sex or that I've attempted suicide in the past. Or that I've forgotten one of my elementary school mates (the only real one) had died a year prior to me refinding it out through fb. (I have a memorial necklace charm now, so I won't forget again). Or having ironically good memory of the layouts of the houses I grew up in, except in two of the houses, they both have the same second floor. One is real and the other one, I have no clue where I slept, where I played, who I shared my bedroom with, what happened on that floor, what that floor looked like, where my brothers slept and what did they do day to day. I have zero memories involving that second floor of that house (aside the only one of watching the neighboring house be on blazing fire), where all of us kids still lived at home. I have one hazy memory of my oldest brother (who has been later described by my other brother as generally violent and disturbed toward my other brothers, he almost strangled the third one by hanging him) and that is about him putting so much ketchup on his macaroni that even the dog couldn't stomach it when I took the plate to the dog.

The oldest brother got engaged and moved out while we still lived in that specific house.

Overall I have a good decent amount of memories (where I am either alone, with external people - mainly other children or then feeling rejected, neglected, punished, disapproved of by all family (aside my oldest brother, he's just a black presence that's never in contact with me or any of my memories) including relatives), except any trauma memories (including second hand trauma I have logically witnessed based on the hint memories and what I've been told about our family).

If im telling any "stories" it's one of Nothing bad ever happened in our family and even though I was alone and rejected by everyone, I was a happy kid. Most of my memories are from summer or sunny days.

So I am left hurt, doubted, dismissed and ridiculed even. And I'm leaving things untold that are outright misconduct toward a patient by a medical professional. And I was basically argued and condescended to til the very end and laughed at during a switch (because the doctor didn't understand what the fuck happened during the meeting with the alter who fronted and then us switching and shaking her hand thanking for her time when we were leaving). And these two were supposed to be somehow specialized with dissociative disorders, yet I had to hear how there is zero main criteria that DID has to have and how ICD-10 is just a mix of guidelines and symptoms and differs greatly from DMS criteria and that DID is a very rare disorder, relevantly new diagnosis and is very rarely diagnosed in Finland as if that makes it as rare as their diagnosing of it. And I'm just saying, other diagnosed Finnish people have publicly outright said that if you want help, you ain't gonna get a diagnosis or accurate help through public sector (where I was tested and all the above is from) but that if you want help, you're gonna have to see a private sector doctor. And I can't afford that, unfortunately and I'm so so tired and disappointed and feel unsafe with these people.

My current nurse uses misdirection by disrupting my talking during our sessions by saying irrelevant comments or demanding to finish lengthily their thought that has been established mutually already that it has nothing to do with my situation or the way I cope with things but is how she personally sees it and how it works for her/how she copes and how others cope. And she does this to shut me up. As if I wasn't there for my care and to get help with my problems but socialize with her about what she personally finds works for her and other and how sleeping badly because the brain can't clean itself from gunk can cause memory problems. And she succeeds in shutting me up because she forces me into a social mode/alter instead of listening to the parts that are connected to trauma. So I can't continue talking because I no longer even remember what. The. Fuck. I. Was. Talking. About. I guess my brain is dirty.

The doctor gave us only one diagnosis that is mixed personality disorder and it is described with profound diffusive identity, dissociative symptoms, psychotic personality symptoms.

I'm so fucking exhausted. I haven't wanted to die as many times in my entire life as I have wanted to die these past few months. I've never considered myself suicidal but I just don't want to exist like this anymore. There's no help. No one's offered anything to help with my problems. It's like they haven't heard a fucking thing. "so how have you been feeling?" is the fucking first thing the nurse wanted to focus on. When I told her I shut the whole system down after the diagnosis bc I cant deal with things (because the angry part wouldn't shut up and was making us crazy by going things over and over even though we can't do anything about it and made us completely apathetic we couldn't function) she says "isn't that a good thing?"

ISN'T THAT A GOOD THING??!

Please, I don't know, the fuck, I'm not sure more education is gonna help it. I don't have words left anymore.

[nodaisieswithoutrainsies]

Need Help With Mental Health and Getting out of an Abusive Situation

Okay so here’s my deal. My mom has abused me (mostly mentally, emotionally, and financially, but there’s been a decent amount of physical abuse too) since I was about 12 years old. I’m 21 now. I went away to college for a few years but due to some unforeseen circumstances I’ve had to move back home until Fall 2020. It’s just me and my mom. We don’t talk to extended family, I don’t have a father or siblings.

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, Bipoar Depression, and GAD. When I was 18, ADHD was officially added in, and within the past month I’ve accepted my ASD diagnosis. I’ve been fully medicated for the past 7.5 year’s, and in outpatient therapy with the same wonderful therapist for that entire time. When I was 15 I voluntarily (it was my idea) put myself into a partial program for a month for suicidal ideation and depression and self harm. When I was 16 almost 17 I voluntarily (again, my idea) took myself to the ER to go into inpatient therapy in psychology ward at New York Presbyterian, but was only there for a week because the counsellors there all came to the agreement that I was in better shape than I knew and released me, but with a binder of coping mechanisms and into the care of that same therapist I still have. At this point in my life, I’m very self aware, I can take care of myself and my mental healthy by myself, and I’m extremely proud of the progress I’ve made to better myself as a person and take care of my mental health. My friends, my therapist, my boyfriend of 5 years (best friend of 8), and my godmother all agree and praise me for my progress.

My mother, as I said, has abused me. Getting worse and worse over the years (as I contrarily got better). When she’s in a good mood, she dotes on me and does everything for me and lavishly spends money on me and pines for my attention. None of which I ask her to do because.... When she’s in a bad mood, whether or not because of me (when the only reason it’s “because of me” is when I’m not feeling great and liked to be alone) she takes it out on me. Hits me, curses at me, threatens me, berates me, tells me I’ve made no progress and I’m crazy, that she’s a perfect mother, that nothing is wrong with her, she attacks me with specific hurtful insults (“that’s why he doesn’t really love you!”), and holds all of her good mood antics over my head. She’s called the police on me >10 times since I was 14. They always take me for an evaluation, I’m always let go saying the cops are crazy. This past Friday, she threatened and tried to kill me. Then lost her mind rocking back and forth on her knees. So I called and ambulance. Ended up in her freaking out and calling the cops on ME for originally trying to de-escalate what did in fact turn out to be a hostile situation. I got released, but not without all the nurses and paramedics tending to me, as well as the crisis counsellor setting me free, all giving me some support saying they believed me, giving me numbers of support places in the area to help adult abuse victims.

My therapist has a lot of interaction with my mom, as she gives out her cell phone, comes to my graduation parties, has had sessions with me and my mom, and has had us to her house before. Plus my mother frequently texts her and emails her insanities and false stories, accusations, and ramblings about me. So at this point, my therapist has diagnosed my mother with Narcossistic Personality Disorder, as well as Borderline Peraonality Disorder. My mom has briefly (~6 weeks) gone to another therapist, but that was years ago. She constantly denies she has mental health issues besides her depression (which she deals with by drinking excessively, self harming, and attacking me). She denies that therapy works (yet says it does for me). She’s manipulative of the people around her- spewing lies to police officers even when I’m calm, open about my bipolar/therapy/medication, and looking for help, spewing lies to her friends who never interaction with me so they don’t know anything except that apparently I’m the problem, and spewing lies to her sister, my aunt, the only family we talk to still, and her best friend/former girlfriend/my other parent of over 35 years. No one believes me except my therapist and friends and boyfriend. No cops, not people who “love me”, and obviously not her. She frequently tries to get me arrested or admitted to a hospital involuntarily. She has ~$16k of my money in her account that she keeps procrastinating giving me.

I recently opened my own bank accounts not attached to hers. I work, I go to school. I’m an aspiring Marine Geologist and I’d like to get my Masters and PhD. When I hopefully graduate May 2021, I will move to California to go to graduate school and make my own life. Away from her, never to speak to her again.

I don’t have much money, even once she does actually give me the money from her account. To finish my BS I need a total of ~$23k. My saved money was for school, not living expenses or car insurance or groceries etc. Hence why I moved home while I completed some prerequisites around where I live. I will move out if I absolutely have to, by my 4 cats are here, two of which are senile and sick. I don’t love my mom. I can’t at this point. I have PTSD or the similar diagnosis from the trauma and abuse. I keep denying family therapy because I’m not sure it’ll work if she doesn’t accent any responsibility or open her mind to realise IM not the problem. I have a car, which is not under my name and while I could switch it I can’t afford car insurance. I have my own furniture and stuff to furnish a place that I will be allowed to take with me when I leave.

At this point, family therapy is necessary to entertain her until I leave. I’m looking for advice, resources, anything any of you can give me to help me handle this and make my life good and achieve my ambitions. I’m a generally pretty happy person; I like to read, write poetry/prose/short stories/songs, go hiking and enjoy nature, hang with my friends, make new ones, love animals, volunteer at the humane society, act, sing, improv, be in theatre, sew, and give advice and love to my friends who need it. I’m an advocate for sexual assault victims (twice in my life), mental health, animals, climate change, women, LGBTQ+ community (bisexual and genderqueer!), and eventually for abuse victims once I get out of here. (And by this I mean I actively take strides to advocate for these causes, joining clubs and marches etc, not just saying that because I experience some of them). I’m not a bad person, I don’t think. I try my hardest to always improve, and I wish I was dealt a better hand (don’t we all?). I’m not asking for money, I could never. I’m asking for advice and resources and a community. Anything yall got for me I’d appreciate more than anything. Thank you for listening/reading, I know it was a lot. If you got this far or offer help, I’ll hit you up with a follow even though that won’t be enough to repay your kindness. Ugh sorry that sounded textbook. Idk. But thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and advice.

-Jessica (I’m from downstate NY by the way)