#im bored and would rather do this than anything productive

[heartofbusan]

Best laid plans of stomach bugs and men.

The chemistry is the point.

Some people underestimate the effort and toll it takes on ones body and schedule to fly 14 hours to visit another person. 14 hours to spend 72 hours together means commitment. It means bro's before ho's and I am frankly HERE FOR IT.

The discourse I am seeing is extremely telling of how fickle people are about their support for jikook. People watch too much scripted reality tv 🙄 bcs they really expected this relationship, this reunion if you will, to play out in multiple angle close ups and medium shots and several wide angle shots with dramatic zooms and heavily directed post-moment recaps with dramatic silences or eye rolls to play up the drama? The lack of moments, the MUNDANITY if you will IS THE POINT. They are so real to me, so life like, so domestic goals!

Being quiet with each other. No uncomfortable silences, but comfortable togetherness.

That's what leads to horny bed fighting, which in my eyes could lead to more if not for the cameras 👀 just me?

When they said unscripted, this is what they meant. When they said unplanned, this is what they referred to. Not directed, not scripted, not fanservice 🙄 to fit a planned narrative. This is how their relationship plays out. I'd go so far as to call it a documentary instead of a reality series. While documentaries have tons of genres within itself, this genre is one where there's a broad range of planned activities, but where the narrative is constructed in post production: editing. Id know, since im an editor. This tells me that they counted on the natural chemistry between 'JeonJi' (SO CUTE) to 'lead the way' instead of a multitude of directed interactions that they (the producers) would have needed to tick a dramatic narrative box.

So what does that lead to? In my professional opinion as a director/editor the first two episodes lacked a dramatic arc. There was little directing going on to force one

the chemistry is the point

The flirting, the lulls in conversation, them being together, seeing them have fun, and reconnecting is the point. Instead of what they're doing or what they're talking about. The episodes, therefore, are kinda boring in the sense of entertainment, but wildly exiting in the sense of what we get to see play out. And it's incredibly nuanced. And nuance often flies over people's heads..again, the crowd that expects to be held by the hand when it comes to drama: reality tv.

It's a huge risk to take as a production. Let's not underestimate that! 'Are You Sure' was so unscripted that they didn’t even have a title until halfway into the second or third day. Again: they were banking on JeonJi to build upon their chaos to lead to a narrative and a title, etc. That is so telling to me. That them being together is the raison d'etre of this show. Jimin 'sacrificing' his time to fly to the US, Jeonkook making space in his busy schedule time to spend time unwinding, JeonJi making good on their need to finally spend time together after the booked and busy year they've had.

Jimin enjoying the hell out of Jungkook having fun.

Because that is who Jimin has always been: his adventurous spirit takes him places because he loves exploring and being in tue moment. He'll willingly travel to have those moments. Jungkook on the other hand doesn’t. He dislikes leaving the comfort of his surroundings because he doesn’t see the pot of gold that being adventurous brings him while he's comfortable in his home. I relate 😩 so much. Just planning trips alone makes me enter a comatose state, so I'd rather not go than sacrifice my rest to plan an adventure. I don't even know I'll get anything out of. That is, until Im actually on that planned trip and having the time of my life! They've always been like that. Jimin had to be the incentive to get Jungkook out on that trip. Take.him.by the hand if you will 😭😭

And then there's the stomach bug. YOU DAMMNED CURSED THING. It threw a HUGE wrench into their plans, and if anyone doesn’t take that into consideration, then you haven't had a stomachbug EVER while still having to face up to your commitments. Park Jimin will NEVER back down from his commitments, his promises *pinky promises* are sacred to him, and this bug took away the catalyst of this duo. Jungkook suddenly had to be the extrovert of the two, and boy, does he struggle in that role. He was to me his usuall baby elf self. So adorable and cute with his nose focused on food and Jimin’s care. But my man loves to rely on Jimin to lead the way in shenanigans and to make any moment entertaining, and you could just tell Jimin wasn't in his feels enough to overcome his lack of energy. Poor baby. Really, he's the best of us because I would have straight up refused to be filmed in that moment. A whole night of diarrhea and still showing up to film the next day?! NO MA'M NOT ME.

If you've read up to this point, I commend you. It was just supposed to be a short rant, but it became an entire essay because I can not with the overly reactionary nature some people show. Drawing entire conclusions based on two hour long episodes. I know, I might be contradicting myself here but extenuating circumstances and all. Jimin wasn’t on his game, and Jungkook was also recovering. When a show is banking on the chemistry between two people to shoulder the brunt of this show and said people are extremely sick, well then what can I tell you?

We need to sit back and enjoy the fact that we are getting such access to them, so unfiltered. Jikook enjoying each other, come rain or shine, in sickness and in health, whatever the mood brings, because that to me is more valuable than DRAMA or NARRATIVE. We'll probably get a bit more of that once they're going to Jeju, and they're both hopefully healthy. We're even getting a new element for them to play off of: Tete shows up! Like a jack in the box, and Jungkook seems to not be having it, lmao...see..unscripted and natural. I love that for them!

Idols are people first, and we need to celebrate that, not demand more.

[desklamper]

Wicker basket has the most potential from all of gpo to become a legendary slasher/serial killer.

Her go-to would be an axe.

Late night thoughts, ocs (gpo, dat girl dynamite and jellfyfishlight) edition

Tw/Suicides, death, and other unfortunate events!!

The ace from prism's dimension would probably bully and troment ace gpo if they ever met.

Ace's mom is now a jack-o-lantern after going to hell (used to be queen of hearts)

Ace cant handle much spice

Ace likes to keep himself well groomed, and spends a lot on hair care products.

Ace often stims when really exited.

Ace actually likes fruitcake

Prism never visits his "parents" because it feels wrong.

Prism hates being called names

Prism genuinely hates himself and has contemplated suicide during his time in Zeeverse

Prism used to have a therapist, but they died mid session from a seizure. Prism now thinks he causes bad luck.

Prism also has a secret affirmation mode in the simulator room

Og prism misses his parents.

Og prism genuinely thinks Abyss is cute in a conventional way.

Og prism wants to feel loved (don't we all)

Og prism was actually a good person before his death!

Og prism differs from prism in a few major ways

1.) He never burned down his family home

2.) He was praised for his inventiveness as a kid

3.) He never messed around with crime as a kid2

Wicker basket has some really **really** bad intrusive thoughts. Im suprised she hasn't enacted any of them out yet.

Wicker basket has contimplated disappearing to france, never to be seen again.

Wicker basket can't take it anymore. (someone help her please :[ )

Andreus dose NOT LIKE physical contact of any kind. It makes him VERY uncomfortable.

Andreus has autism. 100%

Andrues is also talented at the piano

Andreus wants people to like him but often overdoes it.

Ace gpo most likey has autisim. Most likely.

Briefcase could be one of the only neurotypical ones in gpo.

Briefcase used to gamble a lot until she lost a horse race bet because the horse she bet on stopped mid track to take a shit.

Rapier is cowardly. (Duh)

Mic still thinks skibidi toilet is funny, despite what it seems.

Mic also tries to visit, but leaves before doing so due to being very nervous about what prism would think of his new form.

Mic helps velle with philosophical questions that mortals ask them

Velle isnt assigned anything to be god of yet.

This is because almost everything that velle wanted to be the god of was taken already.

Velle works in the "Universal Irregularities" department in the otherworld

Velle Is immune to all drugs, minus acid. No one is immune to acid.

Velle can't remember their mortal life despite dying relativley recently... (around 100-200 years)

Velle died young, around their mid to late 20s

They were assasinated by someone close to them

Despite what it seems, velle isnt really flirty with mic ,because they think mic wont like it (mic doesn't mind, but forgot to tell them)

Depsite everything, mic is loyal to Velle, not prism anymore.

Mic heard of what happened to og prism and prism because velle explained it to him when he was revived.

Dynamite really has no clue on how to be unironically romantic.

Dynamite oncce asked bat how to be romantic, but thar confused her even more.

Dynamite Is quite knowledgeable on rocks and rock formations.

Despite what it seems, dynamite actually values platinum over gems, as she finds gems "useless"

Dynamite has a platinum minifridge, where she keeps her monster energy drinks.

Dynamite hates eggs. She just hates them. The taste, the smell, everything.

She once claimed that she would rather slap jeff bezos on his bald head as hard as she could over learning calculus.

Dynamite sometimes plays roblox with bat when she's bored. They play dress to impress and modded natural disaster suirvival games.

Dynamite is genuinely terrifying to play against in Clue/Cludeo. She consistently wins in less than 4 turns.

Baseball bat majored theater and literature in colledge. He had a minor in software development.

Bat has also beaten the record of most toilet paper rolls set on fire at his faternity (24)

Baseball bat's parents are dead :(

Baseball bat is a relatively shy person in general.

Baseball bat thinks that he's not interesting at all, and dynamite often tries to convince him that he is.

Baseball bat generally likes kasper

Baseball bat is also intimidated by kasper

He feels weak and fragile compared to him

Baseball bat feels worthless.

Dynamite is one of the only reasons Baseball bat is alive now.

If it weren't for her, he would've probably died in a car accident or to himself

Dynamite tries her best to emotionally support her boyfriends.

Dynamite is sad acid wont talk to her anymore.

She thinks acid is adorable

She thinks of acid as a close friend, the kind you tell your social security number to.

Dynamite wants to spin globe's head for fun.

Dynamite once stole a book from quill and scroll's library. She is afraid to go back there ever since then.

Dynamite is canonically trans(m->f)! Here are a few more characters that are too!

Velle (male-> genderfluid)

Mic (nonbinary [cuz robot] ->male)

God is in his 20s. He was born from the "divine essence"

By born, he just materialzed one day, knowing everything allready.

He likes checkers, but sucks at it.

He speaks in a rather nuetral tone, it kind of sounds likes hes bored.

He can stare at you. When he does, you can feel it.

God can blind you if he felt like it

God can heal people too and alter their forms if needed.

God is obligated to hold heaven raffles so that citizens of heaven and the otherworld can recove prizes every 2 weeks.

The prizes include

Weighted cloud blankets

A heaven mansion

A mystical orb

A wizard servant

A wizard butler (trained)

Children (he'll just materialze a kid for you)

Heaven phone 1

Heaven phone 2

Heaven phone 3 Ultra

Heaven phone 4 pro

Heaven phone 5 Pro Gx

HEAVEN PHON 5 PRO GX limited edition (has exclusive call god app)

God thinks its funny that Christianity exists, because christ himself never wanted to be worshipped.

God likes tennis. Hes in a team with Sunny.

God teaches sunny some cool devine skills on the weekends.

Thats all for 2 night!! Tak care friends!! Uhh yeahh

[seeingteacupsindragons]

hi, im the person whos sent you those rude asks trying to get a reaction, but after thinking about it, id like to apologise for my behaviour. i realise now how immature and ridiculous it was, and that i was just trying to get negative attention because i was bored and too miserable to be able to have any better form of interaction with anyone. but whatever immature reason, i know taking out my personal issues on a stranger i found mildy annoying is really bad behaviour and i shouldnt have done it. im really sorry if i caused any genuine offence when i criticised your writing of which i know nothing about, and im sorry for all those rude and immature and completely random asks i kept spamming you with just because i was bored. it wasnt personal or anything it was sort of random and i dont even know why i did it, it sounds nuts when i think about it. ill stop doing all this rubbish and leave you alone from now on, i wont even do it to anyone else. i just wanted to say that i recognise now that im in the wrong and was acting really rubbishly

Anon...

Honestly, it became apparent almost immediately that you were trying to goad me into giving you attention because you weren't getting any and you were likely jealous I have figured out how to get attention, and...honestly...

That made it easier to keep ignoring you. Because it was so incredibly apparent that what you were doing was entirely about you being upset and jealous and not having the emotional maturity to admit that or do anything productive about it. It wasn't interesting, or relevant to me.

I've never sent anonymous hate mail to anyone (or signed hate mail), but I definitely had a lot of very unstable years where I reacted very badly in social interactions and behaved honestly embarrassingly for the same reasons. You said that you find actually admitting things and liking attention is embarrassing...but I would rather be embarrassed by that than embarrassed about lying to myself.

It's social media! We all want interaction and attention!

But the thing is, making friends and getting attention is often rooted in being positive and loving and affectionate about things. I have so many followers on here because I talk about the things they love with ardent passion. I had a huge surge of followers recently for making a positivity post for original fiction writers encouraging people.

One of your first messages to me told me I don't respond to hate mail "normally" because I actually express genuine hurt when people are mean to me. But that is a normal human reaction. And you know that. I have always been a very open, genuine, and earnest person, so I cannot relate to wrapping yourself in hate, but I spent many years wrapped in anger and jealousy, and the thing that got me out of it was therapy.

Seriously. Therapy, and psychiatric medication. Because my personal brain chemistry means I need that.

And I encourage you to also seek out some kind of professional medical help, because you seem so genuinely miserable and directionless in your life that you need help finding a direction to pursue.

So I genuinely hope you do do that and it helps make you a happier person who hopefully doesn't go into social spaces intentionally poisoning things and making other people miserable because you are miserable. That's what you're doing right now.

But you can also choose to make social spaces more heartfelt and welcoming and warm and kind by adding that to the environment instead. It's a lot of work, sometimes, but it's worth it to me and to people in general.

And you did still hurt my feelings, even though I knew it had nothing to do with me. That's the cost of how you're behaving: you hurt people, and they don't like you very much or want to interact with you, and then you end up lonely and ignored because you're not acting like the kind of person anyone wants to pay attention to.

I'm glad my inbox will return to normal. I hope you find a great hobby that has absolutely nothing to do with me whatsoever.

[solarwynd]

just felt like sharing some of my thoughts on recent topics:

- i think nj’s album is objectively decent. if anything my biggest critique is that, similar to indigo, he insists on singing and anyone else that jumps on the record eats him up. i really did like the production and after tuning him out a little i really enjoyed the vibe. i actually think its a lot more refined and grounded than indigo despite being a mess thematically/lyrically but i actually think that thats what he was going for lol, a sort of “emotional clusterfuck”.

as for army’s reception, i think he’s def trying to build his own audience and he’s aware that takes time. he went in a totally different direction than his previous release yet its still very him. armys might not be the target audience but its better for him to build a small but loyal base that will continue to tune in for his solo stuff rather than just expecting armys to like everything every member puts out.

its rich for other kpop stans to drag him when despite doing what he’s done he’s still more successful than most korean artists, so its funny for me to see people think they can drag him for not getting streams in korea which if im not mistaken have the lowest residuals for streams and are the flakiest audience (but maybe thats just me being petty lol)

- nwjns new song not doing that hot on global spotify doesn’t surprise me. they are an aesthetic-leaning group, yes their songs are cute but its because of the aesthetic theyre accompanied with that they feel so grand and trendy every time. the aesthetic for how sweet is minimal and kinda getting old so people dont seem to be buying into that so far (outside of sk) but im sure that as soon as there’s a cute tiktok trend to go with it they’ll end up biting. the song is cute, but i have to admit this trend of “flat”singing is tiring me. open up those vocal chords and SING dammit.

- random, but i wonder if supernova by aespa doing that well is some sort of reaction to the whole mhj-bpd drama. imo drama was a million times better and didn’t do as well as it shouldve

- idk if im over my fixation, but nothing thats come out of the kpop industry this year has been genuinely interesting or exciting. i mostly just tune into female artists and a handful of soloists. there’s been some cute concepts here and there but the music is just meh.

“i really did like the production and after tuning him out a little i really enjoyed the vibe.”

Im sorry this is taking me out. Tuning out the very person whose album you’re listening to is crazy 😭 but I kinda get it lmao.

After watching that minimoni special this morning and how he described rpwp basically as a rant, an “emotional clusterfuck” is aptly named tbh. It’s gonna be really hard for him to get a solid solo fanbase because he doesn’t have personal reach or appeal beyond the armys that already know him and his music and the music he’s been dropping isn’t really attention grabbing either. Like I’m sure there’s people who are out there that know he’s a good rapper and can respect him for that, but it’s still not enough to make them stan him and that’s where the problem will lie for him.

Njws (or mhj) are following a theme that doesn’t allow themselves or their music to evolve, because beyond the different outfits and hairstyles everything is starting to feel repetitive. Real one trick pony-ish cause it seems like this is all mhj knows how to do. Like you already know what to expect from them and I find artists who just stick to one sound kinda boring (though I have my exceptions). I see what you’re saying about the “flat” singing lol but imo not everyone has to like sing sing if you get me? I’m not just talking about belting but just typical singing. Even though it would be a nice switch up from them I feel like they’ve just made that they’re brand.

I actually just listened to supernova after I drafted this and ended up really liking it. It’s a cool song. I listened to drama too, not bad either. It’s a possibility that the whole mhj/bang debacle might’ve had a positive impact for aespa, but sometimes the k gp just likes what they like and blows it up. I know they loved queen card by g-idle but I still do not like that song at all.

I’m a casual listener of a handful a groups and I’ll check out their releases when they drop. Any other song I listen to apart from them is just because I wanted to see what the fuss was about but all in all everything is just so typical. I’ve had releases I’ve enjoyed but everything still has that standard kpop sound to it so I agree nothing has really been exciting.

[anx1oustig3r]

6, 23, 36 for Braith

1, 15, 39, 41 for Sorrel

BONUS

B, F, G for Scath and Delia

WHEW A LONG ONE

BRAITH

6: Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

She definitely thinks they SHOULD be flexible. Given how the laws have greatly harmed her family, she doesn’t have a lot of respect for hard laws that only benefit those in power or of status. If she had her way she would bend every law in the way of fairness rather than who can cough up the most cash.

23: How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? 

Braith is a nice girl, but she can get very mean and nasty when she gets jealous. The best example is with her family. She has two much younger brothers who are twins and they get a lot of preferential treatment (biggest portion at dinner, prioritised clothing etc.) and because of this she tends to treat them very harsh. She insults them, fights with them and just very openly acts like she wishes they were never born.

NOW THERE IS A DEEPER REASON FOR THIS BUT IT’S A SPOILER SO IM KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT FOR THE MOMENT.

36: Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap? 

She actively seeks romance. She’s very much a shoot your shot kind of person and is actually a big romantic if you catch her eye. Now she can often be way too forward which has made people uncomfortable but she doesn’t really care. She thinks sitting around and waiting is boring and won’t accomplish anything.

SORREL

1: What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

About ten minutes. Sorrel’s a bit of a fidgety fae and likes constantly having tasks or something to do. Boredom makes them slightly dangerous and may make them lash out. That’s why, in spite of the horrible pay and hellish conditions, they’re grateful for their job helping drive and deliver coal from Iron Fog. They get to be productive, help the people in their community and make a bit of coin for small things.

15: How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

They’re much more of a thinker. They speak slowly and precisely, choosing words carefully like it’s a puzzle. It’s like they believe their conversation partner is going to try and outwit them. It’s a mindset that��s unusual for a peasant in Revtel.

39: How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? 

Very difficult. Sorrel is unnervingly observant and if they catch a flaw or personal weakness, it will always be at the back of their mind. Not even in a malicious way. They don’t even like that this is something they focus on, but it was drilled into their head ever since they were a child.

41: How do they feel about children? 

Very neutral. They have younger siblings who get on their last nerve and tend to avoid younger children because of that, but they find older children to be really entertaining. They enjoy delivering coal around where the local gang of hooligans live because they always get very excited to hear about Iron Fog and all the machines.

SCATH AND DELIA

B) What inspired you to create them?

OH BOY so. It actually started with our AU when I was trying to figure out how to fit Mireska’s lore into that modern setting. Knowing that her family were shady in the lore, I ended up doing research into drug cartels and such. For Scath I took inspiration from drug lords while Delia actually was inspired by accounts of their hitmen and body guards. Then their dynamic and relationship with Mireska was inspired a lot by Butterscotch and Beatrice from Bojack Horseman. (Delia in particular was heavily inspired by Beatrice AND SOMETIMES IM SCARED I MAY HAVE JUST RIPPED IT OFF BUT)

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

I get excited. It’s been really fun to write characters that are just, genuinely pretty terrible people. With Delia she’s done some bad, hypocritical and downright cruel things but the circumstances in her life have just, never given her a chance so of course she’s bitter, but that doesn’t excuse her taking it out on her daughter and leaving her family in the dirt because she was too proud to go back to them. While Scath is a complete monster, I love how it stems from this desperation for control and a deeply buried longing for love and admiration that he’s doing all the wrong things to acquire.

They are two horrible, fucked up people who need to divorce and get therapy and leave their daughter alone and I love them.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

For Scath it’s everything. Okay in seriousness I think it’s his refusal to take any accountability and admit when something’s his fault. I think so much of the tragedy in Sunbreeze could have been avoided if he just let go of his ego and apologised to his wife and child.

With Delia it’s her shaky principles. She knew the Sunbreeze family was bad and they had hurt her parents, but she still ended up sleeping with Scath and chose him over her family and her best friend who was the reason she even had the job as his bodyguard in the first place.

[cherryblossomshadow]

#oof that last line #disability problems rip #if you have no achievements goals or projects it's literally treated like a mental illness (tags courtesy of @katisconfused) Totally to the added tags- it often feels like there has to be some kind of news or development to deliver to people or they are dissatisfied in you. I think it’s the capitalist growth mindset we have here- constant productivity or you’re not doing anything (comment courtesy of @eto-bee)

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#i think it's because success is tied to value here #so if someone values you they want to find a success to praise you for or help you feel successful (tags courtesy of @40screamingfrogs)

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#american society is individual-based rather than communal-based #you are fully expected to achieve cool things and to tell people about them #what do other countries do for small talk i'm confused now (tags courtesy of @artisticlicense-personal)

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#when someone pointed out that americans ask about what people do for a job a lot it rocked my world #apparently it's really rude in other countries to even ask #while it's really normal small talk here! (tags courtesy of @a-daks)

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#America's insanely individualistic but sometimes it isn't in an inherently bad way #It's just in a way that sometimes doesn't mesh with other norms (tags courtesy of @theater-of-dimensions)

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I’m American and I’ve always lived here, always raise by just Americans but I do this with every single conversation I have. I didn’t realize that Americans don’t do this and are more direct. I used to think that nobody wanted to talk to me because they had nothing to comment on what I was saying. My whole life I have been thinking “okay so I have autism so maybe I’m not holding a conversation correctly” or “I must be boring them/they don’t like me/don’t want to talk to me” I now realize what has been going on. I’m thankful for this post, I never would have understood. I always though “jeez they must not want to talk to me because I’m giving them SO many opportunities to keep carrying this conversation and they are just not doing it. Just ask me about something” now I know I have to be more direct when talking to people here 😭 a pain (comment courtesy of @xleeleeboox)

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#notes are super interesting on this post #and yeah it is super regional here but talking abt yr 'achievments' is definitely a base to the culture. at least where i live in the us #though achievements is a strong word its more like. i wanna know what youve been doing/abt yr life #tell me abt yr job and where you went to school and what hobbies youve picked up recently and if yr good at them yet #and what trips youve gone on and how you're doing as a person. if youve moved recently! #theres a bit of a back and forth about it. like. if i ask what yr job is after you talk about it for a bit you should ask abt my job but #most of it is just the expectation that we'll talk back and forth at each other about various things we do/are interested in for a while #not that im good at it lol i tend to forget stuff ive done recently and underplay my accomplishments cause i have self esteem problems but #its super cool to look and see that a. this is a social expectation we have in the us and b. that other cultures very much do not have this (tags courtesy of @letluigisaythefword)

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We have sayings in the US that reflect this too, even in our work lives. “The squeaky wheel gets the grease” meaning if you don’t speak up, if you arent adamant or even annoying about your wants/needs/desires then you won’t get them. But you turn around and look at Japan and you have “出る釘は打たれる” or “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down” which is very much the opposite. Greeks are similar, in my understanding, where if you are too boastful or compliment someone too eloquently, you’re supposed to follow it with some slight or insult or spit on the ground, so as not to “draw the ire of the gods/God/universe”. It was a cultural phenomenon I saw and was not as well educated on as I wish I was. If someone has a better understanding on it please take the stage. (comment courtesy of @olives-and-lilies)

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#….huh #i think in japan the analogy has to do with nails being hammered. #or in china they talk about you being a lone snappable chopstick #but yeah this is how america operates (tags courtesy of @laisai)

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#lol #Taking notes for when I have to interact with Americans #Mexicans are different because they are so quick to get personal… #People like to talk about what their family is up to a lot #Even the really dark stuff. And then you are getting therapy from the guy sitting next to you in the bus. #People say hi to each other and then are like 'anyway what has your mom been up to?' 'and your cousin?' (tags courtesy of @lyxthen-reblogs)

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#this was EXACTLY my experience getting to know USA folk #sometimes i still get blindsided by their unabashedness lmao #like ''wow you are SUCH an american. only an american would be so brazen.'' and i cannot stress enough #that that is said with FONDNESS! #they worm their way into your heart #i often defend americans at dinner and stuff because like yes sure they are very annoying ones but like. #the americans will agree that they are annoying. And mate they deal with a lot things………. #you would probably be a bit overbearing/batshit too tbf #its nice to talk to people who are so. open. and unapologetic abt that stuff (tags courtesy of @ain-person)

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Americans being the "funny guy who hypes others up" of the world is not what I expected to see but it's so nice? (comment courtesy of @itsdetachable)

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Image description beneath the cut:

[Images 1-2 ID: A comment on reddit by user Winterplatypus reading,

I think it's more than the media, there are some cultural differences that don't translate well. Australia is a bit more like England (and I want to say Japan?) and has tall poppy. syndrome. You don't talk about the cool stuff you did unless someone asks, and even when you do, you downplay it. There's also a weird conversation dynamic where the other person in the conversation plays an important role by picking up on the clues and asking questions that allow you to talk about your achievements. The end result is the same, you still talk about your achievements but there is a little verbal dance you have to do to get to that point. Americans don't play along with the dance at all. They talk about their achievements completely unprompted, and don't ask the right questions which enable you talk about yours. That makes the conversation one sided and gives us the impression that they don't care about us, it seems like they only want to talk about themselves.

But as you get to know them better you notice that they aren't self centered, they are operating based on a completely different set of social rules. If you talk about one of your achievements unprompted to an american they aren't hostile to you at all (like an aussie probably would be). They genuinely appreciate your achievement and congratulate you on it. It's complicated because ignoring the social rules gives us a bad first impression, but also makes them very genuine upfront open people that are happy to celebrate other peoples accomplishments. I feel a little bad for them because from their point of view it might seem like they are cheering for everyone else but nobody is cheering for them.

/end ID]

[Image 3 ID: tags by user @abluehappyface reading,

#as an American who doesn't share their achievements openly for my own reasons #NOT sharing your achievements is weird here #like if you don't people think you lack confidence and then they'll try to hype you up #'so what have you done recently' 'not much honestly' 'cmon you must have done SOMETHING' #like if you don't have something they deems as an achievement they'll either pry it out of you or turn something mundane into one #you can't NOT have an achievement or be good at something because then there's nothing to talk about it seems

/end ID]

This is the first time someone's pointed something out about the way we behave I didn't even realise and found myself realising they are entirely right

[lqfiles]

METEORNON LIFE UPDATE WE ARE BACK AFTER 10 DAYS 🗣️‼️

🥁🥁🥁🥁

MY EXAMS ARE OVER 🥳🥳 the universe cheered !! I literally just gave my last exam this morning and it's 3:30pm rn we are so excited (the excitement will last a day until I'm bored)

I spent the day arranging my course material and being productive (felt nice) (because I know I'll rot for the whole break otherwise) anyway I have plans to be a girl (I'm just a girl) and order this really cute tote bag I saw online it was so cool

OTHER THAN THAT OH OH USER LQFILES I WATCHED A REALLY REALLY AMAZING MOVIE idk if you know about it. It's a Japanese movie called even if this love disappears from the world tonight and it's so 🥹🥹🥹🥹 it's so 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 heartbreaking. What if I collapse on the floor and cry. You should watch it ( of course you don't have to) if you're into sad soul shattering stuff (gonna go off a bit here and summarize the premise: there's a girl who has anterograde amnesia which is where your memories don't accumulate. So whenever she wakes up in the morning, she doesn't remember anything about what happened or what she did the previous day and this happens EVERY SINGLE DAY so she basically has to restart her life everyday. She keeps a diary in which she writes about her day every night before sleeping, and she has all these signs on her bedroom walls that basically tell her that she has amnesia and needs to read her diary to get to know about her life every morning. SO LONG STORY SHORT WITHOUT SPOILERS one day a guy comes up to her and fake confesses to her because some guys who were bullying that guy's classmate told him to do it in case he wanted his friend to stop getting bullied. He fake confesses to her and she SAYS YES and then they fake date, but for a while the guy doesn't know she has amnesia and then he finds out and that is where I'm stopping because everything else is like the main main plot)

I YAPPED QUITE A LOT TODAY ‼️☝️

Anyway it's so sad and I'm in love with it

REGARDING PAY THE PRICE THINGS ARE PROGRESSING I THINK HAECHAN LOWKEY CONSIDERS HER A FRIEND AT THIS POINT

I am also in love with renjun's cat stealing agenda and his and jaemin's dynamic they're so funny (OR RATHER YOU ARE SO FUNNY USER LQFILES 🫵)

ALSO WITH THE ANON WHO TALKED ABOUT JAEHYUN BEING OLD 😭😭😭 I AGREE AND I SEE THIS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE

anyway phew that was a lot (I hope you weren't alarmed by me suddenly yapping) I'll be activeee and interacting now that I'm not busy (!!) MUCH LOVEEE 🌷🌷🤍🤍🤍 I HOPE YOU'RE WELLLL

-☄️

WE FREAKING MISSED YOU OVER HERE BESFF <33

IM SO HAPPY YOUR EXAMS ARE OVER LETS GOOOO 🥳🥳🎉 how did you think they went? i’m sure you did well and i’m happy that you get to rest now ^^ does this mean you’re officially in your summer holidays now or just a smaller break? LMAOOO YOURE SMART FOR KNOWING YOUR HABITS AND DOING SMRH ABOUT IT because i know if that was me i would wait till last minute 😭

THE WAY I WANT TO BUY A TOTE BAG TOO BRUHH it’s so girly core and girlmaxxing and feminine and ughh i just love being a girl..

shatter shoul stuff WELL YES GIVE IT TO ME… i normally don’t watch movies or dramas (when i tell you.. i have not watched ANY classic movie, not even spider-man or mean girls or fuckass MOANA. name a movie and i probably haven’t watched it 😭) but i REALLY wanna start doing so, BUT THAT SOUNDS AMAZINF AS FUCKK WAITT i can already sense the angst and heartbreak from that poor girl i’m already tearing up 😭😭😭 (i’m dramatic) i’ll definitely write it down and try to watch it soon (if you can recommend me where to watch it i would appreciate it.. preferably i pirated website 🙏🏽)

haechan doesn’t HATE her but also doesn’t LIKE her yk? its mostly y/n who just wants him gone while haechan is just playing around at this point lmaoo. i’m glad you like the side characters too and thank yew for calling me funny you’re flatter me anon 😣 just say you wanna kiss me..

NEVER APOLOGISE FOR HEING A YAPPER I LOVE YAPPERS WE YAPPERS ALL NEED TO UNITE, can’t wait to see you again anon take care and enjoy your break ^^ <3

[tacochippy]

3, 12, 14, 24, 28

Feel free to answer all, none, or just some! Love ya hon!! 💜💜💜

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

Mirror Mirror (2012), Teen Beach Movie, and Tangled !! theyre all so fun, and interesting, and i just aahhah lovr them

what’s some good advice you want to share?

One thats been super duper helpful as of late is to not borrow grief from the future!

Personally, i get panicky sometimes iver if my lvoed ones are gonna die, or my partners brwak up with me, or i break my phone or what have you. But... none of it has heppened yet, and probbaly wont for a looooooooooong while, so ive just sort of been making nyself feel terrible for no real reason.

So, im gonna stop borrowing grief from whichever undetermined future ive been borrowing it from and be happy ans focused on what is hapoening rather than what might happen.

Another one my boyfie taught me is the simple phrase shoulda woulda coulda. Its abt not thinking too hard on what ifs. soecifcialy things you should have, could have, or would have done to prevent whicher thing youre upset over. It does nothing to change whats happened and is mich more productive to focus on what you can do now instead.

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

I really want to try doll customising, and making my own clothes!

I have a kot if ideas for cute clothes that i really want, but. im worried i wont be good at it. so i havent tried much yet.

And doll customising is another jusr, worried it wont be perfect... i have a habit of disliking my own art, so? especially eith a hobby thar can get so expensive im worried it would just be a waste of money.

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

Im proud of myself for still being alive and fucking kixking it !! im still laughing and loving juat the same, despite my many mental and physical disabilities, and in soite of my abuive household and subpar living conditions. I feel like im gonna live past 18 which is a new feeling and really scary but im alive. its. nice feeling like i have a future. im glad im still here.

do you collect anything?

Yes i collect stolen chunks of concrete, sticks and logs, and just random pebbles that call for me from the ground. :3c

Thank you for the aks akie i love you !! 💜💜💜💜💜

[courier-sux]

no one asked but heres a bunch of vines that make me think of my ocs

Jackal: kevin watch the light / what do you have? a KNIFE / what up im jared im 19 / i forgot the package / yeah man ill kill him / hey mailman what you got / i cant swim

Jace: its summer / i dont cry about it / lately i haven’t been able to think straight / welcome to bible study 

Athena: annie are you ok / too much to do tonight / mini-golf / i may suffer from “anxiety” and “depression” / well when life gives you lemons / road work ahead?

Ava: (gasp) the wontons / you dont need to wear makeup / two moms at brunch / cmon brain think of things

Rome: please god just let me have one good day / whos caring for you / just pour it in the fuckin thing / what is your problem?!

Theo: john cena recorder /  FOR THE GLORY / navy blues not your color / barbecue sauce on my tiddies

Oz: so no head? / hey have you seen my razor / do you have any ice / stop saying i look like chicken little / move im gay / kermit

[stackslip]

quick train of thought dont mind me

devils make contracts with humans and cant between each other

both parties are bound to it no matter what and these contracts can be a one-off payment or a continuous one

devils who grow to love humans nevertheless offer them contracts as a gesture of love and trust. power contracting denji to find her in hell, pochita obviously, etc

devil hunting is a job with private and public sector and boring job legislation and unionization and there are confidentiality clauses and all

public bureau offers incredible benefits in exchange for your life and soul and suffering and you can quit or stay bc you have no other path you cannot see another way you will offer yourself up on the altar and your workplace will give you a bonus

if you do x ill give you y, makima teaches denji that relationships are transactional in nature

makima and chains denji and leashes etc etc

sell your body parts to be stronger sell your body parts to pay off your debt

food tastes better when its on somebody elses tab huh kobeni

family burger! we're a family in this workplace! adapt or be fired

german government will literally offer kids up as payment, japanese and usamerican governments will offer up their own people

makima keeps offering to pay dinner and when she showed her strength the scarred duo was like ah nvm no thanks uh and she was genuinely. disappointed

you have two choices, die or belong to me and i will reward you with breakfast

i looked for a way to break the contract between you and pochita. but was it really a contract

alienation in chainsaw man is directly connected to the idea of relationships as transactions and selling yourself, directly connected to jobs and the workplace and can you really be friends with your colleagues when they might die any moment when you are just there to work your ass off and survive

denji always shared his food with pochita and offered him his body. when pochita took over he tried to bring denji back. it was never ever a contract it was mutual it was love

all the instances of true intimacy and love are unconditional, freely offered, freely given; like making a home and cooking for someone and refusing a job that will harm them and running away from it all together to escape these jobs these responsibilities and just instead be with each other

akis will and money going to his family for them to be safe and taken care of

people give all of themselves to makima by her very nature; she has never known what its like for someone to knowingly truthfully give her unconditional love while knowing and seeing her

denji my dream was for someone to hug me and you gave it to me without me ever asking and you kept doing it and loving me and i would rather be a dog by your side than anything else

dogs love their masters unconditionally haha stupid right, dog used as insult and degrading and quaint inferiors to manage while denji views a dog as. someone to love and care for with no ulterior motive. please make me your dog miss makima please take care of me i will never ask anything of you i will do it without a thought or price attached

miss makima i will take on your sins. i will bear them with you, knowing eaxctly what you are. i will do this knowing you have never seen me or cared because in the end, i cannot help but love you. the only thing that can bypass a contract is willing love.

chainsaw man as a figure as a hero is now a literal consumers product; denji begs–can you love me still when i am no longer your distant fantasy if im not the logo on your shirt or mug.

[funkymbtifiction]

Is it normal to have two different personalities? I know people in general act different depending on who they’re with, but I feel like with friends, I’m more of my loud, confident extrovert self while when at home, I can feel like I’m getting into an Ni grip because I’m doubting myself and jumping to conclusions and obsessing over the future.

To be honest, I would question a mistype for you if this happens a lot. First, I would agree that you are an extrovert. Second, I wound wonder if you are not actually an intuitive rather than high Se (why when at home do you start ruminating and philosophizing and speculating instead of actively DOING things?) Third, you identify with a 3, but this sounds more like a core 6w7. Self-doubt, leaping to negative conclusions, anxious about the future. All 6.

And I know you said introverts are more prone to getting into grips but Ni grip is the one I relate to. Idk if im just in an Ni grip entirely or not, because when I’m alone, I can tend to ruminate so I feel people distract me from this. So I can’t stand being alone because not only can I not entertain myself when alone (technically there should be things I could be doing, but I get lazy and they’re boring), but I can also fall back into self doubt and over analyzing myself.

Here again, where's the ESP "hands on" productivity? There are things you COULD do, physically, but you are not doing them. This is not high Se. ESPs do things, constantly. You can't entertain yourself when alone -- why not? Instead, you fall back into self doubt (core 6) and over-analyze yourself (core 6). You are inactive ('lazy') and prone to navel-gazing when by yourself. That sounds like high intuition/low sensing.

I’ve been feeling more alone lately because I don’t feel close to any of my friends so then I get lonely and that makes me withdraw and then I start contemplating the meaning of things or jumping to conclusions too often and questioning my MBTI when I could be doing other things. Idk if you feel like that.

Yes, as an NF this is exactly what I do when I am left alone too long. Abstracting away from reality, thinking instead of doing, pondering intellectual topics instead of being proactive, questioning if I got my own type right, etc. The more I am ignored and left alone, the more despondent I become and the more self-critical I am.

I feel like my real personality wants to be free, but can’t because it’s been beaten down by friends calling her weird, family being too strict, etc. So now I feel like I can’t do anything like with family im afraid of doing Simple things I wanna do like my own hair or swearing in text because I feel like I’m gonna get in more trouble. And then with friends I jump to conclusions, think they hate me, think because of one argument our whole friendship is over, and then I’m withdrawn for the rest of the day overthinking this. Sorry I went on a rant there. If you’re curious im an ESFP 3w2 (pretty sure).

I'm sorry that your circumstances have beaten you down. Life is hard. But leaping to conclusions, thinking others hate you, or that one argument means the end of your friendship is 6ish.

I would look at ENFP or ENFJ 6w7, I suspect the latter.

[thevirgodoll]

hi, im 16! I worry way too much about others opinions. This is clearly stopping me from doing what i really want. I need advice for self love, self confidence... What would you say to your younger self ? ☺️

Hey love, 

1. Get to know yourself authentically.

Getting to know yourself is a lifelong experience, and it starts to take shape from the age you’re at. Begin to visualize what you want for yourself. Begin to connect with yourself - via past times/hobbies (writing, dancing, painting, singing, etc). If you have hobbies, you’ll be so busy with yourself that you won’t really think about others.

Ask yourself: “What does being me look like? What do I love to do? Where do I see my life going?” 

Journaling helps you think this through, I always recommend this to people. You can reflect on where you are in life, and where you want to go. You can set your intentions and it helps you tremendously. The universe will reward you once you begin setting your intentions with yourself. You can physically journal in a cute lil’ notebook, or digitally on journaling apps - such as Day One app. Day One can go on your Macbook and your phone. I use both physical and digital.

You can also make vision boards of the type of life you want to have - a YOU vision board, print out what the best life and your future looks like to you! Add high value women on the board that you would emulate, such as Beyoncé or Rihanna. Make it cute. Or if you are more digital, make one on Google Slides and get pictures from Pinterest, or create a private board on Pinterest. 

2. Create boundaries.

Once you get to know yourself, you will realize what you will tolerate as far as people you encounter. When you don’t have healthy boundaries, you are susceptible to always thinking about what people think, and you get taken for granted. The advantages of boundaries are stable mental and emotional health, developing autonomy, growing an identity with yourself, and nurturing self love.

You have to always ask yourself:

“Is this person adding value to my life? Do they respect my boundaries?”

You cannot allow your boundaries to be violated. There are no exceptions to this rule, because if you do make any, it violates the relationship you are building with yourself, and that is a lifelong relationship. I say don’t give people second chances, because they will use it to take advantage of you. 

Be clear about YOUR boundaries and don’t ACCEPT disrespect.  Core Personal Boundaries I Live By:

-Valuing your own feelings. You do not owe anyone an apology for how you feel. It is your own job to monitor how you feel and how others make you feel. You don’t owe anyone anything, but you owe yourself validation. I will not value other opinions over my own. i will not anticipate what other people are thinking or needing.

-Never oversharing with someone. Maintaining a semblance of privacy, because your life is your own and people can plot on your goals. Do not share too much of everything.

I will not overshare my goals and desires with someone. I will not speak about my personal problems with everyone.

I will not share every detail of my life.

-Knowing your personal needs and communicating them. If you need to defend yourself, communicate such. If someone is hurting you and they’re supposed to be your friend, be direct. Protect your emotional space ALWAYS. Never compromise this for other people.

I will take responsibility for my own emotions and needs, always.

I will protect myself.

-Not wasting time on social media when you’re bored. Instead, work on your hobbies, journaling, etcetera. When developing your self love and confidence, wasting so much time on Instagram for example is not going to help you. You have to focus on yourself.

I will put more time into myself everyday, rather than social media.

I will not waste time on social media.

-Never accepting less than mutual friendships and relationships. Once someone has proven themselves to be fake, do not accept this. Once someone has proven that they don’t care about you, do not accept this. Only tolerate what you deserve. If they give any less, remove yourself quietly from the situation and move on. 

I will not tolerate toxic friendships or relationships. I will always remove myself from any situation that is not good for me. 

I will know and understand what I deserve, and I will not accept less than what I deserve.

-Avoid people who are negative. If you are hanging out with negative individuals, they will infiltrate your life and wreck your mindset. If someone is always complaining, always jealous of you, always criticizing, and isn’t going the direction you’re going, again, no remorse. Don’t allow it.

I will not have a friend circle of negative, jealous people.

I will always put energy into people who put positive energy into me.

The reason why I am so sure of myself and sure of my dynamics in my life is because I have strong boundaries with myself and others. Setting them may feel weird or wrong at first, but this is so important and it saves you so much heartache. 

3. Reinvent yourself.

Ask yourself: What does the new me look like?

Confidence is all about how you command yourself. I have already said the following things on my blog on my posts about confidence, which you can find here: confidence.

Start thinking like you are the most important thing in the world, because you are. Begin working on your posture when you walk in a room. Wear outfits that make YOU feel good. They don’t have to be what anyone else says but you! 

If not, you need to make sure you have routines dedicated to yourself. A routine day and night including your skincare/hygiene, saying 3 things you know to be true about yourself in the mirror (I am beautiful, I am blessed, I am blossoming) say those every single day, meditation and yoga, some tea, and your journaling like I said. Every. Day. Do not slack.

Have a pampering/self love routine: hair is on point, nails are on point, makeup is on point. Body is on point: bubble baths/relaxing showers, lathered in cocoa/shea butter after, and perfume. At night, have a cute robe, cute slippers, cute pajamas. Go to the gym some days, or just do workouts at home, or stick to the yoga, as it does make you sweat with certain poses.

4. Foster independence and don’t look back. 

Being your own best friend is the most important lesson to learn in life. You have to begin to develop your autonomy from now to the rest of your life. Be more independent, make sure you are fixing your own problems and not involving everybody and their mama, learn to rely on you, and manifest opportunities and goals on your own time without involving everyone so heavily. In a generation where everyone is so interconnected via cell phones, you will stand out because you are confident, independent, and focused on you. You can have fun with other people, but the difference will show when you only engage with high value individuals. Make sure you’re productive: studying or working, and make sure you understand the days where you need to relax and resort to serious pampering. 

This will begin your journey to self love and confidence, and not worrying about everybody else!

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. LO also completely fell off the amazon lists so?? idk i was under the impression with all the exclusive merch and how hard they were pushing it for literal months surely it would have gotten farther. maybe most of the readers didnt want to buy one copy and then ANOTHER copy for another cover and just knew it wasnt worth it when they could just read it for free anyway? like its basically a collector item and i think they overshot not realizing the fans arent book collectors.

2. im no publisher but i think the webtoons team kinda fucked up on this book. they split it between hardback and paperback, so that automatically splits sales, but they also made a B&N exclusive cover, so that splits sales again, but then they kept adding pins and signed nameplates (???) that people ended up cancelling preorders and maybe forgot to reorder so no wonder it sort of tumbled?? plus its a niche product anyway that most would rather read on their phones for free. What a mess.

3. tbh lo persephone just ... isnt a character. shes the best at everything, everyone loves her, the narrative always excuses her, she has no flaws and every problem she causes it just hand-waved or blamed on someone else. every other character only exists to love her, excuse her, or be punished for not kissing her feet. she has no goals or ambitions or hobbies, much less a real place in the story, she just exists.

4. Maybe I'm too simplistic, but I do think it's possible to write HxP where Persephone can love Hades AND Demeter. I'm just sad LO is following that same trend of making their relationship cruel and abusive with Persephone wanting nothing to do with her and revolving her world solely around Hades. Though this time it comes with Hades also being just as cruel to Demeter off his weird Kingly entitlement Rachel seems to think is charming over off-putting.

5. lets be frank here. persephone didnt start suddenly looking more mature, rachel just made all the woman now all just look as young as persephone to give the fake allusion shes actually not a baby faced teenager. she still looks and acts like a child.  shes actually gotten worse in both regards since s2 started.

6. Ik this is stupid but I find ir funny how Hestia, Athena and Artemis in the trial arc are dressed si ugly they look like they're going to church instead of an "important event" like judging a goddess for conspiracy and mass murder

7. i know LO doesnt really try to be remotely accurate but the "queen" look for persephone is just insultingly removed from greek elements. an aureole effect would be a nice touch, but instead its just some generic pink pouty woman with red eyes that blend into her skin and shes just in a cheep looking stick tiara and a boring black dress that of course has to show off her breasts. its supposed to be this regal look to the dread queen but it just looks like a rushed halloween costume instead.

8. Lo popularity made me so... Disappointed? I thought we are living in a world where feminists achieved more than that. Come on story about a barely adult naive girl getting together with an old capitalist douche with a big power imbalance would never be progressive nor feminist no matter how you write it. Up to this day I can't understand how people can like this narrative and how can they not see all the obvious issues! Just because it's labeled as feminist it doesn't mean it is, open your eyes

9. I have the feeling as if LO in more concerned of the aesthetics than actual plot. I'm not sure how to word it better. I mean its something New. It can also be good like doing visual metaphores to Show something when dialogue isn't good enough.

But LO doesn't seem to be able to do anything else

I just wanted to put that out there since i've been thinking about this for a long time and i don't feel like anypne has brought it up yet.

10. pt.1 I immediately want to apologize for the mistakes, I don't know English well, because I'm from Russia. I really love reading your blog and I agree with many opinions. I would like to share my opinion about Mint and Hades. Hades just kept her by his side because no one wanted to be with him and reveled in his own insignificance. As soon as Persephone appeared on the horizon, he refused Mint as easily as the nymph who worked with him ... 

pt2. (the episode in which Mint came to Hades to sort out the office about the cap). I understand that they had an unhealthy relationship, but damn, it could have been played out differently. Many fans of LO repeat about the truthfulness of myths, but only in the case in which Mint will be humiliated and crushed.

pt3. And what about the wonderful baby Megara? Didn't Hades realize that she was in love with him? What prevented him from trying to start a relationship with her? Not everyone is attracted to their future partner right away, they could gradually develop their relationship and learn a lot from them.

[andromedasstarship]

faceless, nameless - the prologue

gif credit - @kylos 

pairing - kylo ren x reader 

warnings - canon-typical star wars violence, depictions of death/violence, fighting (verbal + physical), loosely implied physical intimacy (really up for interpretation here), angst, tension, implied mild love triangle, kylo ren betrays you 

summary - For four years, Kylo Ren considered you to be many things: his right hand, his confidant, an irreplaceable strategist, a friend and most importantly his equal. It all ended when he left you with a blaster shot to the stomach on a near deserted planet. On the brink of death, a rather dashing Resistance Pilot stumbled upon you, saving your life.  

Donning a mask to hide your identity, you’ve grown to become the most fearsome Resistance fighter they have; bewildering the First Order as to how you always seem to ruin their plans and avoid capture. Kylo Ren is a different man from when he left you two years ago, so how will he react when he accidentally finds you alive and well in Poe’s memories?

masterlist // series masterlist // read it on ao3 here 

next chapter 

-----

the prologue - the sun 

On Starkiller Base, there were plenty of rumors as to why Kylo Ren kept you around. Some said it was because of your extensive training in hundreds of different languages, both spoken and signed. Others were sure it was due to your diplomatic upbringing that came with countless connections and near endless wealth. Or, maybe it was due to your more than adequate ability in battle that served him the most. Even some people thought you were a kept woman, who only existed as a way for Kylo Ren to blow off steam behind closed doors. Your favorite rumor was that you were actually a high-ranking Resistance spy who was tasked with infiltrating the First Order at the highest level and that Kylo Ren had become weak because of you. Had it not made you laugh so much the first time you heard it, Kylo would’ve crushed the windpipe of the lowly officer who created the elaborate lie. 

Of course, there were some truths in all the rumors, but none of them exciting. You were in fact trained in hundreds of languages and that training was a product of your diplomatic upbringing. You were exceptionally trained in various forms of combat, but that was something that came after you met Kylo; he had always been afraid of you not being able to properly defend yourself. You were most certainly not a kept woman, not that you and Kylo weren’t intimate, but certainly not in the type of dynamic people thought. You absolutely were not a Resistance spy, but even though neither of you said it aloud, Kylo Ren was definitely weak for you. 

How it actually happened is quite boring. The two of you met when Kylo had just turned 24, still more Ben Solo than Kylo Ren. You were recently 23 at the time, head of a diplomatic welcoming committee that met with Kylo as part of his first official diplomatic endeavor as ‘Kylo Ren’ the soon to be Commander of the entire First Order. He quickly became enamored with you and the way you commanded a team full of older men who clearly didn’t approve of your position- whether it was due to your age or gender he didn’t know- but still treated you with respect; in short, you radiated a confidence and power he desired. For you, it was quite the opposite, Kylo Ren still wasn’t sure of himself and at times still acted like the awkward lanky Jedi boy who had never spoken to a girl outside of school purposes. He was a fresh and welcomed change from all the annoyingly rich and cocky men you met with on a daily basis. 

Him and his team stayed on your home planet for nearly three months. Countless delegates from various planets flocked there for balls, meetings, conferences, and more. Your connections ran deep and you directly aided in the First Order’s successes during those three months. For the first few weeks, you and Kylo skirted around the obvious pull between the two of you. He wasn’t exactly sure how to ‘woo’ a girl, nor was he even sure if he was allowed to. His lack of action caused you to regularly doubt if he also felt the spark, or if it was completely one sided on your end. Weeks of longing gazes and accidental brushes of fingertips finally came to an end when the two of you were sitting on your private balcony, overlooking the well kept grounds, discussing the conference that had just ended. It was a roaring success for your planet as well as the First Order, both of you securing mining resources at an exceptional locked rate for a minimum of fifty basic years. You made the first move, he was irresistible under the moonlight, closing the space between you on your bench and pressing your lips directly on his. In his hesitation you thought you had completely misread the past month, but it was only a moment later that his hands found purchase in your hair, pulling you closer. The two of you were nearly inseparable for the rest of his trip. 

It was difficult, when he finally had to return to his new master and some massive ship that would be lightyears away from you. Unspoken promises were made the night before he left, declarations of love and devotion made behind closed doors. He was still far from truly becoming Kylo Ren, had copious amounts of training to finish before he would see himself be fitting for someone like you. If he was nothing else, Kylo was desperate for loyalty and when you watched his ship leave you had no doubts he would come back. 

And he did, nearly an entire standard year later. You almost didn’t recognize him when he stepped off his personal ship. All broad shoulders and shrouded in layers of black, with that intimidating mask covering his face. He was proving to be quite the warrior, the tales of him and the Knights he commanded reaching the farest edges of the galaxy. When the welcoming festivities had ended and he removed his mask in the privacy of your room, you found a mature face that had lost the softness you once knew. It was no matter to you, flinging yourself into his arms and vowing to never let go. 

This time, when he left, you went with him of course. Kylo had been shocked when Snoke approved it, but Snoke, ever the manipulator, knew the growing attachment between the two of you would inevitably prove to be valuable in controlling Kylo Ren. 

Moving into a giant spaceship wasn’t easy for you. The dark, cold and everlasting expanse of space was a sharp contrast to your warm ocean planet. You missed the sun on your face and your people, but when you vowed to never let him go, you meant it. As time went on, you grew accustomed to the ship and then eventually Starkiller- which was an entirely different battle, that piece of ice had you complaining for months-, and soon enough you couldn’t imagine a life not in space. 

Most of your days were monotonous, not that you minded. From the first day you stepped foot onto base, Kylo began training you himself. He never wanted you to feel as hopeless and afraid as he did when he woke up to his uncle ready to kill him in his sleep. So he trained you, and he trained you hard. You could wield a lightsaber well enough, as he argued that should anything ever happen to him- a thought you hated entertaining-, his saber would be the best weapon you had available. You were smaller than him, so close combat was a challenge but you learned to use your size and agility as an advantage. What you specialized in, was the staff. It allowed you to give a larger opponent at a safe range until it was possible to take them down. Kylo had a special one created just for you, with double edged electrical ends that you could easily turn on or off. It was rare that he actually let you on a battlefield with him, but when he did you were unstoppable. Not that you minded, you quite enjoyed working behind the scenes, forming battle plans and leading diplomatic endeavors for the First Order. 

Other than Snoke, no one out ranked you, not even Ren; a fact he had been extremely particular about after a visiting diplomat made the excuse of outright ignoring and belittling your presence in a meeting. You were equals in everything, even going as far as taking on the ‘Ren’ moniker. 

Among First Order subordinates, you were fairly well liked, and not just because it was unspoken that anyone who thought badly of you would probably die at Ren’s hand. The people actually liked you. Ren was cold, you were warm. When he was sharp, you were soft. It worked well, his ability to command troops and fuel the fires of war was complimented perfectly by your ability to talk nearly anyone to your side. 

You never wavered in your support for him, ever loyal by his side no matter what he did or who he killed or how many villages he burned to the ground. You stood next to him, never behind, when new planets presented themselves as potential allies. You watched from above when he burned villages, that dared aid the Resistance, to the ground. You cleaned and healed every single wound he received from Snoke’s brutal training. You held him together when the pull to the light made him feel weak and undeserving. 

Anyone could see that you were the sun that Kylo Ren revolved around.  

So, when he came back to Starkiller on that fateful day, covered in blood- your blood-, announcing that you were dead- and he was the one who killed you-, and that your name was never to be uttered on his base or by any First Order subordinate ever again, no one knew what to do. 

-----

 a/n - hi!!! im so excited for this story, ive never written star wars before and my lore knowledge isnt the best ill admit, so please excuse any minor bits of pieces i may get wrong! comments/likes/reblogs always appreciated. if you wanna be added to the taglist, just ask and ill make one! :D 

no permission is given to copy or republish my writing on any other platform or account. if you see this story outside of my blog or my ao3 it is stolen work. i do not own nor claim to own star wars or any of the character involved in it. 

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

amber so have you seen the post of you saying ‘this is my ex-boyfriend steve’ and steve’s like ‘i told you to stop introducing me like this’ and ‘i’m her husband’ and i feel like chris would say the ‘this is my ex-girlfriend’ when you get married and yes i’m soft for him again (not like i have stopped)💕

A/N- I don't know, this one makes me SUPER SOFT AND I LOVE IT. Also going to add this as an entry to @jtargaryen18 30 Days of Chris Warning- Soft Smut

Vacation

Summary- 3.7k. Chris x Y/N. Chris flies you out to Red Sea Diving Resort Set for a couple weeks. 

You just boarded off your plane, the hot sun beating down on you was so much different then the hazy Boston mugginess you were used to. Behind you, your luggage flowed behind you, and you reached up to the top of your head to drop your sunglass, scanning among the crowd for that one familiar face, the one who insisted on you coming to visit cause he missed you that damn much and it had been weeks. Were you going to say no? Absolutely not, you missed him just as much.

There, there he was, his hand raised over his head, and waving back and forth to get your attention. He was weaving among the people and you ditched your luggage momentarily, sprinting to jump tackle him. Your legs firmly settled around his waist, arms around his neck and you pressed your face in against his neck, nuzzling that all to familiar spot you claimed as yours since day one. His hands had been held open wide to receive you, were now tight enough wrapping around you that it made you squeak and kiss nibbling the shell of his ear. “God damn Chris I missed you so damn much!” You pull back to look at him, and lean your forehead against his. He goes cross-eyed looking at you.

“I promise I have felt the same exact fucking way” His hand moved to the back of your head, and he slants his face to kiss you deeply, your tongues tangling, and your pleasantly surprised that his taste, it had a slightly saltier wild taste to it, it hit you right in your core, making you flex slightly and dampen. Oh my... Groaning into him, when he broke your kiss, your lick your lips and his eyes darken with a slight smirk playing the corner of his mouth. “Missed me a lot I can tell.” He let you slide to a stand, but kept you close as the two of you go to retrieve your ditched luggage before it was stolen.

Chris’s arm hung possessively low on your waist, feeling his hand slipping under your shirt to touch your bare skin, his thumb feathering back and forth across the curve. Once you reached the bags, he was quick to grab the handle. You opted to shoulder your overnight bag, and Chris maneuvered you two through the rush of people all looking for loved ones, catch a plane, a small group of you heading to leave.

“How was the flight?” He asked, while digging in his khaki pants for keys to a vehicle, directing you two towards a jeep.”It was good, long but I had a great seatmate. They were visiting their son who was studying in the states.” You continue on while Chris pops open the back seat, he lowered the handle of your luggage, and slipped it into the back seat, you handed over your other bag as well to add to it. Closing the door, Chris caught you by surprise, backing you against the door of the jeep, your eyes cast up about to ask why when one hand braced to one side by your head, and his other hand went to caress your cheek, grasping slightly under your jawline.

“Ahhh baby, I missed this.” His eyes shining a different shade of blue, bright crystal orbs raking over your face, the pad of his thumb made its way to your bottom lip, tracing the seam. Okay, you missed this to you thought a bit breathless while you studied his expression. The hunger brimmed in his eyes and a flop of his hair fell forward when he encased your lips against his, his tongue tracing till your opened, sighing into the kiss. It all rushed to your head to make you fuzzy, unaware of anything but the man sliding his hand into your hair at the back of your head, tilting just enough.... exactly right to inhale any air from your body, and that rush buzzed through your system to lighten a fire in your belly. Ahhh baby, I missed this was right.

Chris was the one to pull away first, taking a deep and giving a bit of a grin. “Sorry darling, its been a long while, I might have gotten caught up in that.” You blink at him till it registered what he said, and tipped toed up to give him just a nip, lifting up your sunglasses off your face. “Handsome, you do that any time you are so inclined” Rubbing your hands against his chest, and he pulled you in close, rubbing his beard against your neck to make you squeal, which of course you did. It tickled. “Come on, its a bit of a drive to the hotel, and I want to get you there to enjoy it, baby. You're going to love it.”

The next half hour, you filled him in with everything going on in Boston that you didn't really talk about on the phone during your nightly calls. They were reserved for more important discussions. But now, the floodgates open, and you animated told him all about how Dodger trudged his lion all the way to grandmas when you went to drop him off, your boss getting all jealous about you going to South Africa for a few weeks, the fact they got a new coffee flavor at the local coffee shop, how the neighbor STILL had there singing Christmas lights up. Really just anything. During this, Chris reached over and took your hand, fingers weaved together and held against his thigh, once in a while he would lift it to nip on a knuckle and kiss the center, other moments he would tip his head back and laugh deeply in that way that would shake his whole body. A true genuine laugh.

You shift in your seat, as there is a rather annoying counsel between you two, so cuddling up was out of the question, but you could still look. In the weeks he's been here, it really suited him. His hair was longer, and no longer styled in the way Captain America had been, but free to flow naturally, framing his face with a slightly more rugged beard, all given to fit his latest role. Tinges of red highlighted in the sun matched the way his tan spread across his face, making his scattering of freckles across his nose really stand out. You had to admit, it was a look you really felt suited Chris.

“You feeling about this?” You reach over to brush back his hair a bit, it even felt different, the sun and ocean was good to his body, softer and sun-kissed.

Chris took a look at himself in the rearview before glancing at you “I like it, if I could just look like this for all my roles, I would. Its hell of a lot easier than having to trim it all up every few weeks. And makeup is a lot easier in the morning. They just add a bit of product in it, and let it do its own thing.” It was a well-known fact Chris would get bored in the makeup chair, and when he got bored, he got anxious and wound.

You dropped your hand to his beard, giving the gentlest of tugs, biting your lip. “Well Handsome, you know I've always been a fan of this.”

Chris barked a laugh, a bit smug as his hand went to the beard, rubbing his chin in that manner that made him look thoughtful. “Oh Im well aware Sweetness, and i plan on putting it to good use later.”

Oh my...

Your first glance at the ocean left you in a gasp, you immediately moved in your seat and buzzed down your window, a blast of hot airbrushed your hair back, and Chris reached over to turn off the ac, rolling down his own window, elbow hooking over the door as he speed up just a bit, bringing you closer to that insanely blue water. For once you felt something really did rival Chris’s excited blue eyes. It was just that damn blue.

Starting to slow down, his hand moving to hit the clicker, he turned onto a side road, bringing the jeep way back in speed as it bounced a bit on the rougher road, careful at the spots that sand pooled and spread. “Were staying right on set, the hotel had a spot all set up for us. Plenty of bungalows, and we got a nice one on the end. A bit away from the others.” There were some perks to being one of the headliners of this project and he pointed out towards the rows of a frame looking cabins, upon some stilts, nothing more then feet away from the waves, that were lapping so gently on the shore, it reminded you of a lovers caress, of Chris’s.

The jeep came to a stop at the end of the line, and you jumped out, waiting for Chris to come around, with your bag and luggage in tow. When you tried to take one, he took your hand instead and led you up the stairs. “Welcome home Sweetness” He popped open the door and it was better then you could have hoped for. Open floor plan, there was a small basic kitchenette, a table and chairs, a door leading off to a bathroom, and a bed with a mosquito net enclosing around it. Chris brought your luggage over towards the bed, moving aside the netting to set it at the end for you to get to it. And then he beckoned you towards him. “Close your eyes, this is the best part.”

“Alright, they are closed... “ You cover them and he slides open two slides, leaving the pack of the bungalow open to the view. He eased you to take a few steps to the left, and wrapped his arms around you, nibbling your neck playfully. “Chris! do I have to keep my eyes closed?” you squealed when his beard and lips tickled you, making you press back against his chest. Humming against your sweet spot between your neck and shoulder, he finally relented. “Okay, open them up Babygirl.”

You immediately dropped your hands to cover his over your stomach, weaving your fingers with his while studying what he wanted you to see. Pristine beach stretched just ahead of you, water lapping the shoreline no more then ten feet of that away. The deck was raised up off the beach, with stairs leading down. Your jaw dropped, and Chris laughed behind you at your reaction. Twisting to look over your shoulder at him, he kissed your forehead. “Wanna go play in the waves Sweetness?”

“Yes! I packed for plenty of beach days. All this, getting a proper tan.” Pulling you away from the view, he set to find his trunks, and you found your white bikini, stripping quickly out of your clothes, any jet lag completely forgotten. Chris came up behind you while you were trying the strings of the bikini, going to take the strings himself and tie them for you, groaning softly. “Fuck, you are hot in this.” Grinning, you pull away and go to tiptoes to twirl for him to see all of it, landing back on the balls of your feet.

“You think so? I had to have it rushed ordered last week when you called to tell me you were flying me out.”

Chris approached you again, his oversized hands smoothing the bare skin along your sides, looking you up and down for a moment, and nodding. “fuck baby, we might not even need to go down to the beach, and just have ourselves some fun right here.” He drew you into a kiss, nips on the lips and a slip of the tongue, your body sank into him, with your hands brushing over his chest, the short soft hairs tickling your palms, and even his body felt better from being here. Lean muscles tightened where your hands roved, flowing over his ribs and flattened against his back that spoke of Power. It was tempting, and you were about to relent.

Then he stepped back and took your hand, leading you outside, you have him a huff and incredulous look as he led you down the stairs. “Don't worry, later. I will take you apart, trust me.” Hitting the hot sand, you two jogged towards the water to not burn the bottoms of your feet. “Not if I don't get to you first...” Your tone lowered playfully as you splashed into the waves “... Captain.”

Chris snapped his hand against your white bikini covered ass just as you were about to dive in, laughing as you arched your body and plunged in, he continued wading as you slipped out further away into the waves. “Fucking tease....” He said with affection and followed after you, quick to slide up alongside you and catch you. You two swim for a while, and then as the evening started to roll around, go to shower off the salt and sand, making your way to dinner. Dinner was enjoyable, your eyes bigger than your mouth, and you had to try a bit of everything. Laughing at each other as some funny doubtful faces were made, quickly changing to surprise and enticing each other to take a bite with 'You just have to try it' passed between each other. To finish off, a bit of fresh fruit, and a walk on the beach once you two got back to the bungalow.

The beach was mostly abandoned, dark but the white sand and the expanse of stars overhead. You dug your toes in the sand, having ditched your dandles on the back deck when Chris suggested a late-night walk. “Thank you, Chris.” You smile up at him, seeing his face in shadows, and his hands rubbed against your hips, kissing your forehead as you pulled in close. “For what Babygirl?”

“For flying me out, you were right, this place is beautiful.”

“Tomorrow after I get done shooting our scene, we will drive around a bit so you can see everything.”

When you two stumbled back, tugging off clothing between your giggles and shared kisses, you fall against the mosquito net, the two of you forgetting it was there and end up ripping it down, getting tangled together, you're still laughing as Chris is cursing, trying to get it off from around your naked bodies. Finally once you two got untangled, the destroyed mosquito net shoved off to the side, Chris moved over you, kissing up your body with lavishing wet kisses, the salty ocean breeze blowing in where the doors to the beach had been left wide opened, you shivered with delight at the sensation.  

“Fuck. I. Missed. You.” He emphasized every word making his way up your body, nips and hands plumping your breasts, dragging his tongue over your nipples before kissing on them, then up your collarbone and to you neck. You couldn't help but roll underneath him, wrapping your legs around his lean hips and pushing fingers through that long softer hair of his and to his bunched shoulders, nuzzling in against his neck while sucking on his earlobe, giving a playful nibble on the lobe. “I couldn't tell Chris.” you giggled, which quickly turned into a lust-filled moan when he positioned himself and filled you, making you clutch to him, lightly biting his shoulder.

Once you relaxed back underneath him, Chris started to roll himself into you, grinding your hips together. “Right there...” You moaned within a few moments, tipping your head up to share a whining kiss, now it was Chris's turn to chuckle, cupping your face as he sped up, making your jaw drop slightly and eyes fluttering back. “Feel good baby?” He grunted, and all you could do was nod with urgency, rocking your hips back to meet him. When he snapped that tightly wound coil, a drop to of his hand rubbing against your nub, making you tighten, flutter around him, snapping high and breaking, you swore you saw the stars, just like the ones that danced the heavens above the ocean. He rode you through it, rolling his hips deeper, erratic till a shedder ripped through him, painting you with his cum. Kisses fell to your shoulder as his weight covered you, deep breaths shared and you didn't want him to move.

Your hands rubbed against his back that slowly started to ease under your hands, this was just as important to him as it was to you to be eased down, and your hands soon brought him into focus, arching up and kissing your forehead tenderly while easing out. You looked so content laying there, looking up at him that he couldn't help but pause and admire the moment, you soon broke the silence, weaving your hands together with his and letting your hands fall on either side of your head. “Love you.”

Smiling as he dropped kisses back to swollen lips and muttering against them. “Love you too.” and your bodies, urged you to continue, more orgasms and shared love to be had till in exhaustion, you two collapsed, the sweet breeze licking across your heated bodies while drifting off to sleep. Early morning, Chris got up early to shower, here he rose before the sun. Prepping coffee and a fruit salad in the fridge, he had it all set up on the table out on the deck, and when you started to stir, shorts and a tank top tugged on, you walked out to find him with bare feet up on the railing, coffee in hand, watching the sun come up on the ocean horizon, the landscape dotted with seagulls diving near the water looking for anything worthwhile. “Morning Handsome.”

Your hands drift through his hair, you really enjoyed it, and hoped he planned on keeping it for a while. His arm looped around your hip and tugged you into his lap, offering you his coffee, which you took a swallow gratefully before setting it down beside the bowl of fruit. Plucking a couple chunks of mango from it, you popped one in your mouth, and offered him one, which when he opened his mouth, you slipped it in. The fruit was sweet and smooth, juicy as you chewed, you selected another piece and nibbled on it while Chris rubbed your waist, letting his chin rub against your shoulder. “Mmhh, how are you this morning?”

Already your skin was taking on the sunkissed look that he appreciated, your face bright and exuberant as you smiled at him and offered him more fruit, you two sharing in the manner while you assured him that any soreness was fine and you wouldn't change anything about it. Chris seemed to go quiet a bit, and he tipped your chin to look at him. “Really, everything is just perfect?” Your own eyes widened and nod. “Absolutely handsome, there's no place I would rather be then with you. A look crossed his face. One of excitement and happiness. A grin breaking out as he had one arm latched around your hip, lifting his side enough to reach in his pocket. “I'm so relieved to hear you say that, cause it feels perfect too.”

Your brows come together and when he pulls his hand out, latched in between his fingers is a ring, a silver band with a diamonds. You're holding your breath, this was so unexpected that your speechless staring at it, then at him. “Will you baby, marry me? I've had this just waiting for the right moment to ask. I love you so fucking much and I always want you to be my girl, the one I fly to set, and the one I come home to.” His blue eyes are shining with love and a bit of nerves, not that you would say no, but more that he had made this just perfect for you.

“Christopher of course I will!” tears spring from your eyes in your joy and you grasp his face, kissing him deeply, sure to pour in that entire answer. So nowhere would he doubt that you were his, have been since you two first started dating. He found your left hand on his face, and finishing the kiss, the slipped the ring on your hand, sure that it was set just right. You held your hand up against the light baby blue sky and for you, that diamond was brighter than the sun. A symbol of your love.

Afterward, you walked him to set, hand in hand. Chris is extra playful today, pulling you in his hold, whispering how sexy you were and how tempting you were. Maybe tonight you guys would get frisky on the beach. You firmly reminded him of sand getting in all the worst places. “I don't care, we can shower later.” He reminds you, making you smack his chest to hush him, hiding your face against his shoulder before facing the camera crew, they waved the two of you over. “Hey Chris, you must be Y/N? He's done nothing more than talk about you.”

“Only good I hope.” You counter and they laugh with a nod.

“Hey guys be nice to my Ex-Girlfriend.” Chris huffs, brushing a hand through his hair, and the crew goes silent for five seconds in confusion, you nudge him with your shoulder. “Chris you pain.” He grinning and holds up your left hand to see your ring. “I'm actually his fiance.”

Looks of relief passed, and after congratulations were given, Chris laughing and you accepting the compliments on the ring, you two went towards the tent he needed to go to get ready for shooting, playing with your ring. “Hey don't do that to Scott Handsome, he will never forgive you.” He shook his head, and dug out his phone, flipping open the texts. “You kidding me? The whole family has been asking me constantly if I asked yet.”

Taking the phone, you scrolled through the messages, snorting. “How long have you been waiting to ask Chris.”

“Oh trust me, long enough. I've always known you were the one Y/N.”

[bigskydreaming]

Hey friendly reminder that I honestly do not want anyone to follow me unless they actually WANT to which means they are free to unfollow, refollow, leave and come back and leave again or WHATEVER as many times as they want, for any reason whatsoever. Including if my posting styles of the moment get to be too much for them or are not to their liking, etc?

BUT I have been seeing a surge in comments in notes and stuff on various posts of mine about the length of my posts or the rambling of my posts and like....I know? This is not new information to me? But I post the way I post at any given time based on the resources I have at any given time and the fact that its often a matter of I can post a long rambling post or I can make no post at all.

Like, I really truly do not like going into specifics about my situation more than necessary or when not necessary, because like, my situation is boring to me, I don’t particularly care to dwell on it any more than I have to. But the fact of the matter is its still a thing that exists so here goes: yes I have physical issues like near constant migraines and pain and also vertigo, and yes I have neurodivergencies like C-PTSD and ADHD and yes I have circumstances that include near constant stress from eternally being in the negatives, financially, as well as being almost constantly hungry from a lack of money and limited options for eating due to the physical constraints of my jaw as well as being consistently sleep deprived because there’s only so much sleep you can get when there’s no such thing as a physically comfortable sleeping arrangement for you currently, all while existing in a constant limbo of I literally have NO idea when any of this will change for me because haha fun fact WE LIVE IN A PANDEMIC.

My point is like......all of these are things I’m not shy about, but they don’t exist as bullet points in a checklist of identity or circumstantial traits, they all exist at all times as points of fact that influence and inform and interact with each other.

So my financial situation and limbo of not being able to move forward with my surgery because of the chaos of the health care industry during a pandemic directly informs both the way stress impacts my mental health issues, but also my ability to treat my mental health issues by way of medication, nutrition, rest.....ie, almost every cent I make via work, etc, goes right back out the door to keeping up my insurance premiums of $850 a month, because even though my surgery is paid for, there’s still elements like hospital stay fees, anesthesia, etc, that won’t be paid until the day of surgery itself, and which I will not be able to pay without my insurance remaining current and active. Which means that I had to prioritize an insurance package that would net me THOSE benefits, which means I had to sacrifice parts of insurance that are no longer in that package, but which previously made things like my medications, refill appointments and therapy more affordable for me. 

Which means that I have to prioritize my medication and therapy etc and maintain my therapy and PTSD, depression and anxiety meds as the most important to upkeep, while my ADHD meds are pretty much priced out of accessibility for me at the moment. Like, the specifics of my metabolism and various trial and error with different meds over the years and the way my body rapidly adapts to various meds and plateaus to a point where they cease to have any real impact on me means the only ADHD medication that’s consistently effective for me is Vyvanse, which there isn’t a viable generic form of that I can take, meaning a monthly refill of it is $350 without insurance, which I flat out can not ever afford anymore, which means its been roughly two months since I last popped an ADHD pill.

So yeah, that directly impacts things like my ability to self-edit, make a point briefly, or refrain from circling back to the same point several times over and over because I literally forget that I made it.

Now of course ADHD medication is not the be-all and end-all and its not like there aren’t various other life-hacks and coping strategies for working around ADHD even without it, after all, I didn’t even get diagnosed until I was 26. But these various other adaptations rely on things like good nutrition (which I can not regularly afford, or even consume....most leafy green vegetables for example, or fruits other than berries, are literally nonstarters for me because I don’t have enough leverage with my one-sided jaw to CHEW them in the first place, and the ingredients for making smoothies regularly are again, expensive). So nutrition as a hack for ADHD management is pretty much out - I’m too busy prioritizing eating anything I can, whenever I can afford to. Other adaptations involve getting lots of rest: something that again, physically isn’t all that viable for me these days, even leaving aside the effects of constant stress on attempts at getting meaningful rest, along with the constant stress and constraints of trying to work as much as humanly possible in my circumstances, in order to keep bringing in income to go to insurance, rent, and food and meds. Then there’s also the stabilizing effects exercise and physical activity can have on the brain and various neurodivergencies like mine, but the migraines and vertigo make most forms of exercise a nonstarter for me, with most of the rest invalidated by the fact that I’m pretty much always hungry, tired, and in chronic pain.

Now let’s examine work and the viability of obtaining more sources of income to help with all this. Well, my options are limited there too due to the ecosystem of factors in play. I’ve been trying for awhile to find even a part time job in my area I can do, but the problems are even though I can make myself mobile and active through my pain issues and migraines, and am even good at gritting and bearing it and acting like I’m smiling and laughing and happy even while in excruciating pain (yay, perks of childhood abuse making a career in retail viable even while practically dead on my feet, lololol)......there’s the simple physiological limitation that I just can’t stay upright RELIABLY for more than a couple hours at a time. Eventually, dizziness knocks me on my ass. Downside of a jaw that’s constantly hanging with all its weight from one side of your face, fucking with your ability to even stand up straight, not to mention causing inner ear and equilibrium problems at random whenever you open or close your mouth in the wrong way (or mere approximation of ANY kind of way).

So, standing upright at any kind of customer service or retail job is one issue. Stocking stuff, that sort of thing.....not really an option when you’re likely to drop all of it at any given moment. But then there’s bracing myself at cash registers, something like a job at Starbucks or hell there’s a Jamba Juice nearby, that’d also get me an employee discount for smoothies I can drink regularly. Course, there’s the whirring of blenders and such, which pair great with constant migraines. Etc. Etc.

BUT. I’m a well-rounded person with lots of skills....which lead to things like my freelance graphic design business as a book cover designer, as well as various writing endeavors, etc. And all of these are things that I DO do, currently. They’re how I make my income as is. There’s absolutely more jobs out there, but the fact is as a freelancer, FINDING additional jobs is a time consuming and spoon consuming process, that is additionally impacted by factors like ADHD, so not only does looking for work require time that’s not already being spent working, it also requires the management and expenditure of mental resources that I have to prioritize FIRST towards applying them to what work I already DO have, given the absence of ADHD medication and minimal coping or regulatory habits allowing for me to be all that productive WITHOUT said meds.

Not to mention the strain sitting in front of a computer all day for work in venues like graphic design, etc, puts on migraines, so there’s only so many hours I can devote daily or in one sitting to doing things like cover work. Much of my writing time is spent not actually writing, but me just dictating into notes on my phone and then copying and pasting all that into the appropriate formats for fiction, nonfiction and just random posts. Of course here then I have to prioritize applying my mental resources to first making sure the stuff I write to make money gets edited or properly pared down to size and isn’t repeating the same shit over and over and over, then doing the same to stuff I write fic wise as one of my few escapes from Real Life BS so I can at least point to having SOME kind of life (as this has been my daily existence for years, and uh.....people having things they like or like to do, as much as is humanly feasible, only becomes MORE of a necessity the more stress involved in their day to day life, not less). 

Meaning by the time I even get to posting, like.....as much as it may look like I do a lot of it, the speed at which I write when I have any kinds of spoons to apply to posting or composing thoughts at ALL means I actually pour out a lot in a little span of time.....BUT that’s not like, a Skill so much as its a Fact. Its just the way I am and it comes with its downsides as well as its upsides....Im good at banging out a lot in a short amount of time, but ONLY when I just....let it go, versus try and regulate it all or squeeze it out bit by bit. I’m a sprint poster these days rather than a marathoner, even if the length of my thoughts makes it LOOK like the latter.....the reality is for me it tends to be all or nothing, its whatever I can get on the page BEFORE I lose my breath or train of thought. So that’s why it looks the way it does, because that was the only form it was coming out at the specific time and space when I had the energy and brainpower TO get it out, and going back in hindsight and editing it for clarity or brevity AFTER I gasp it all out requires energy and breath I do not have PAST that point, so it becomes a simple equation of well do I want a post to exist here at all or not at all.....and I err on the side of posting. This isn’t a defense because there’s nothing to defend, mind you, I’m simply explaining my way through my thought process, approach to things, and realities of my day to day existence for you to do with whatever you want. Its just a perspective you may not have had before. Whatever. 

Of course, even this doesn’t exist in a void. Something that’s always a factor in my awareness when posting is like......I’m lucky enough to have a large enough following that cares enough about what I have to say for whatever reasons or puts enough value in what I have to say or the things I write and create, that I’ve been able to supplement my financial needs when absolutely necessary at times, by way of donation posts. I try not to lean on them more than necessary because I am keenly aware that they are a gift from people, many of whom I do not know and will likely never meet, and as such, not something I have any form of expectation for. I make donation posts when and where I do not in the anticipation of getting them met, but simply for a lack of any other options whatsoever. I’m limited in the work I can do, and the time and energy I can devote to finding more of that same work. There’s not a ton of other career paths I can pursue even from behind a computer due to my lack of a college degree, and the fact that even when I’m qualified skill or knowledge wise, I lack the specific credentials for verifying that I possess those skills or knowledge in a way employers are inclined to recognize and/or validate. Going BACK to school to get said credentials is an expenditure of time, finances, and other resources I do not have to spare at the moment or any time soon, especially not in the name of shoring up a lack of all that in the present term. 

I dropped out of college freshman year after my gaybashing and rape. I never went back to it for a variety of reasons that were only half about resources and half about intent. My family is not a presence in my life and hasn’t really been in any significant way since I was eighteen, so college in the first place was something I had to be entirely self-sufficient about....I was only able to afford to go the year that I did go by way of academic scholarships that were dependent on grades I couldn’t keep up in the wake of what happened to me, and that I couldn’t exactly ever get back without a foundation to build upon, like high school and my initial academic career. Then in the half that was about intent, I eventually moved into pursuing my actual interests like writing, graphic design and acting. One of the things I’ve always loved about those is that output and portfolio nets you more than credentials most of the time....they ARE your credentials. I was actually pretty damn successful as an actor for years, not in the way that leads to being someone that people would recognize, but in the way that leads to being able to support yourself doing what you love. All the skillsets that I have but could not back up with things like a diploma were still useful to me as an actor in a way that they’re not in terms of getting things like tutoring or teaching jobs.....I speak multiple languages but I’m self taught, I have a black belt in karate, I’m a classically trained pianist, I know a whole lot of shit about random shit that I just learned because I wanted to, and all of that got me the kind of work that I was looking for and meant I COULD work and make a living off those things for years throughout my twenty....work that I would not have been able to get if I had been back sitting in a classroom instead. The primary currency of my years as an actor were life experiences and I had those in spades, and I was very good at what I did, if I do say so myself, and the reasons I never advanced further career wise tended to have less to do with whether or not I booked the roles I auditioned for and whether I got the auditions at all......

I’m getting a bit off topic here but I’m just saying there’s definitely a convo to be had at some point, about the roles and opportunities I turned down because I wasn’t willing to sleep with someone or put up with their advancements in order to do so. Something that’s a dime a dozen in Hollywood and the thing is.....I was a sex worker, for years, before I moved to Hollywood and started working as an actor. But there’s a distinct difference between the way people talk about, interact with and perceive someone who’s gotten roles because of sex, advanced up a corporate ladder because of sex...versus, gotten paid because of sex. I didn’t turn down offers of roles for sex because of my hang-ups about sex but rather other peoples’......I had a problem with various parts of the industry that would have thought nothing about me getting a role because a producer wanted to sleep with me, but would have turned up their nose at me because I slept with someone to get money for groceries before. Basically I’m just saying the specific bullshit Hollywood has not just about sex but predatory behavior got in the way of my career advancement because there were some games I just wasn’t willing to play....which hails from the very life experiences that oftentimes made me so good as an actor in the first place.

Which brings me back again to my main point......none of this exists in a vaccuum. Being the sum of our life experiences and variables means being the SUM of that, at ALL times, both in large and small ways. We are never just a LIST of identity traits or experiences. They all constantly loop back around and feed into each other and inform where we are at every second of every day and where we GO in each second, what we DO with our days and the choices we make.

Which is where so much of my discontent with fandoms, on social media in general, with PEOPLE in my day to day life comes from: this desire people have to compartmentalize, to ZERO IN on specific factors or variables or instances and act like it even CAN be divorced from all other influences. Its not that you can’t FOCUS on one thing at a time, its just even when you do that, that doesn’t like....snap all existing connections that thing has to everything outside of your area of focus.

As an example, my attitudes on being a survivor and various kinds of fiction get me a ton of pushback from various corners, and its all geared around the same premise: don’t like, don’t read. Put a wall up between you and it. Focus on just what you’re doing and forget what everyone else is doing.

But it doesn’t work like that. It CAN’T work like that. And this commitment people have to pretending it does just because that pretense has been working for them, THAT, I’d argue, is the true wedge in fandom spaces.

Everything about me is connected to something else. I’m a childhood abuse and incest csa survivor. When my therapist asks me to picture a moment from my childhood when I felt safe or protected, I got nothing. I don’t have that resource. I don’t know what that feeling is meant to feel like, because I never felt it. And that connects directly into the fact that when I was gaybashed in college, after they dumped me in a fucking park, bleeding and covered in writing, I didn’t even think about going to the hospital, the police, let alone calling anyone like my parents, I just picked myself up and walked back to my dorm, cleaned myself off as best I could, and went to class next Monday morning. That’s fucked up, I shouldn’t have had to, but its what I did, and there’s no divorcing that from any of the contexts of WHY that’s what I did, and why I didn’t think there was any other logical recourse or option for me then. Just like all of that also links back to growing up in the closet and entering high school the same month Matthew Shepherd was attacked, and then when he ultimately died two months later, and watching everybody’s reactions to that informed the fact that I did not remotely feel safe in the aftermath of my attack, disclosing what happened to people around me, or just like I didn’t take it on face value that even if they said appropriately sensitive things to me to my face didn’t mean that like when I was a freshman in high school and everyone was reacting to that, they wouldn’t revert to callous jokes about fags the second they felt a little less out of the spotlight or in the right company for those jokes. 

And all of that directly links into my feelings not just when people write rape and gaybashing scenes that make no attempt at any kind of catharsis but rather only appear to exist for the fetishization, the glamorization, the VALIDATION of the idea that in the right context, those kinds of scenes can be hot to the right audience rather than demoralizing to the figure who’s pain and humaniliation is required for everyone else’s entertainment....but it also additionally plays into the reactions and attitudes I have when people look at me going “wow, really don’t like the lens you’re using here or the environment you’re creating around an experience that is never anything BUT painful and traumatic for someone who lived it, like I did” and choose to respond to that by saying things that amount to “well you’re basically just like conservative southern assholes who hate free speech when you say stuff like this,” cuz y’know.....that’s describing my literal oppressors. That’s lumping me in with the actual literal kind of people who are the SOURCE of my trauma there, all because you felt butthurt and defensive about how I said I wasn’t comfortable with the kinds of jokes and output you were making about scenes that aren’t that far divorced from my own personal reality, and that I shouldn’t HAVE to divorce from my own experiences just to exist within certain fandom spaces.

And just like the fact that being an incest survivor is directly relevant to the fact that my stepmother always made an effort to keep me at a distance because not wanting to admit to what happened to me and how it played into our family entanglements was directly linked back to the fact that she and my aunt were both incest survivors who never got the opportunities to deal with what happened to them, which in turn directly plays into the fact that ultimately my aunt ended up taking her own life a few years ago, which also very much informs my attitude towards people interacting with incest ships as something cutesy and uwu, as my aunt was literally the only person in my family I ever WAS close to or comfortable with. And there’s no divorcing any of that into nice neat little compartments that make it easier for anyone on the outside looking in to just peek through ONE window to see what they might see, and try and act like it doesn’t matter what’s in any of those other boxes because it has nothing to do with the only one they want to concern themselves with.

And my lack of resources and emotional state post gay-bashing led directly into my sex work for various reasons, which led in various ways to better things for me in some respects, while compounding certain traumas of mine in other respects, and there’s no divorcing any of that from the rest either. There’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was good’ even though some of it was and there’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was bad’ even though some of it really was. And a lot of the attitudes of some of the rich assholes who paid me for sex and viewed me as a plaything they could do anything to directly informs my resistance to letting powerful assholes in Hollywood hold roles over my head in exchange for sex, even though the latter could have advanced my career in huge ways and led to me being a lot more financially stable and self-sufficient by the time my physical issues emerged due to the jaw joint on one side of my head eroding through and snapping completely just like that in turn was a long-building repercussion of not just my gaybashing, but my decision to never go to the hospital and get checked out after it.

None of this can be cut away from the rest and trimmed into neat little pieces that don’t color outside the lines or impact anything else. Just like my gaybashing itself can’t be divorced from my white privilege, and the fact that it played into the fact that I survived that night in the first place. Something I say not in some weird white guilt kinda way like people try and project onto others for even acknowledging white privilege, like no its not like I fucking wish I died to prove some kind of weird point, what I’m talking about is just the simple basic AWARENESS that multiple and even contradictory factors exist in even the most extreme of situations. And its never anything BUT self-serving to pretend that you can frame it as otherwise.

And so when I talk about being a survivor, just like with all the rest of this, I’m not talking about some arbitrary status of survivorhood that exists in a specific point in time and is only relevant to some singular event I survived, its applicable to everything about my life big and small. I’m a survivor every single day I’ve survived, every day I wake up and keep moving forward despite the pain and stress and lingering trauma of what was done to me one night sixteen years ago, I’m surviving what they did every bit as much as I survived it that night and in the morning after as I dragged myself back to my room. Just like my status as an abuse survivor stemming from childhood directly informs everything about not just my coping mechanisms but my entire freaking worldview as someone who grew up throughout childhood learning to view the world through a lens in which he was simultaneously not safe due to the presence of victimizers in his own home, while at the same time still having certain protections that others don’t have in life in general due to not just again my white privilege but my male privilege, my cis privilege.

And that’s what makes it so laughable and so offensive when people act like I’m defining myself by being a survivor as some kind of singular identity trait whenever I raise it as something of relevance in fandom discussions that have EVERYTHING to do with stances of abuse apologism and homophobic ideas that directly play into why I was so unsafe in certain parts and times of my life, because who the fuck is anyone else to tell me how my experiences as a survivor and how they shaped me are or are not relevant to ideas pertaining to those very things, when brought front and center and face to face with me in various fandoms due to the insistence of fandoms at large on KEEPING these things front and center in almost ALL fandom discussions? Like, the hilarious irony of people who have so wholly centered certain types of ship and content in terms of their own personal fandom identities that they can’t help but feel personally attacked when someone so much as says “I don’t like the ideas you’re broadcasting alongside your choice to amplify and signal boost this kind of content because you’re not JUST signalboosting the content itself, but these specific perceptions of it and ideas in support of and in apology for it.”....like, turning around and saying IM too defined by my views stemming from my existence as a survivor. The call is coming from inside the house, lolol.

Again, none of this can be divorced from the rest. It can be focused on one piece at a time, but its connections to everything else that informs it in various RELEVANT ways, can not be made IRRELEVANT just because you don’t like the picture that forms when you’re forced to look at the WHOLE picture instead of just willfully condensing the frame to just the part you like or want to talk about.

And to bring it all home, looping back up to what I opened with:

Do you know how often I hear people say shit about the length of my posts or the rambling nature or in various ways act INCONVENIENCED by various things about how they have to interact with my posts when that interaction itself is still completely voluntary?

Taking in everything I said in this post, the way it all interconnects and informs other things, I’d like to ask anyone who has ever objected to some post somewhere or derided one because of something as ultimately nonconsequential as the length of it, something where its literally just like....scroll a few more seconds......do you apply the same energy and scrutiny to posts that cross your dash that are filled with various things like racism, transphobia, rape or pedophilia fetishization or abuse apologism, or do you let that slide by without acknowledgment before looking at a post that makes you sigh because of how fucking LONG it was and think...this, THIS is what I’m gonna choose to speak up about?

Because that’s ultimately what this is all about. Here’s the kicker with everything I said....my life could be better, I want it to be better, from the biggest aspects of it and pain issues to stuff just like.....the fandom communities I immerse myself in for my own attempts at having something to counterbalance real life stress. But at the end of the day, there’s no my life sucks or my life rocks....its still just...my life. And it has its good as well as its bad, and that ultimately hails from my choices, and the fact that like....even while there are choices I literally CAN’T make, I can be comfortable with the ones I DO make.

And so like......would my life be easier in some respects now if I’d gone back to school and gotten a diploma and had more job opportunities available to me? Yeah, for sure. But that awareness doesn’t mean I regret my choice NOT to go back to school when I DID have more opportunities for that, because the acting career I had at those times instead was the choice I made, with intent, and its one I’m still glad for making. Those experiences still matter, still meant something and still mean something to me. 

And do I wish that I’d coped with what happened to me in college in different, healthier ways that would have given me more tools for how I interact with my trauma and who I became after that, rather than how I did? Yeah, sometimes, for sure. But not without losing my awareness that the choices I did make at the time were not made in a vacuum, and can not be edited in hindsight....there were reasons I made them, reasons that were informed by everything that had happened to me previously and stemmed from a lot of things I still didn’t have control over and as such always placed a cap on the range of choices that were available to me back then, because there’s a difference between choices that exist in theory versus choices that exist as something that might viably be chosen at a particular place and time.

The world is big and complicated. Life is big and complicated. WE are big and complicated. And nothing about understanding any of that is IMO benefited by putting most of our effort into SHRINKING our worldviews, constructing artificial frames that don’t just focus us in on specific aspects of it for finite periods but attempt to then treat that as its own individual thing utterly disconnected from anything else that might be going on OUTSIDE that picture frame.

So if you’ve read this far and you’ve taken anything away from this big long rambling post that could be a lot shorter, could be a lot less rambling, but could also just not have been posted at all and I’d rather have it exist in this form than let everything in it go unsaid.....

My request would be that your takeaway be this: to look at your choices in regards to some specific finite interaction in even just one of your fandoms, and see what happens when you open the frame back up. If you widen the scope. If you let other things into the picture. Are you still comfortable with the choices you make or don’t make in light of THAT image, are they any different from the ones you made or would have made when keeping things as small and contained in your awareness as possible, just because that was easier for you to conceptualize, easier to navigate around, just....less COMPLICATED?

Because things aren’t made less complicated just by the mere fact of WANTING them to be.

And if your choices are more born of what you’d say or do IF the world were as finite or as limited as its sometimes easier to pretend it is......is that really the approach you want to go with and the reasoning you want to stand by?

And similarly, if there are choices you make and that in ORDER for you to feel comfortable making them, you feel a need to tighten your focus or shrink your worldview around one specific element or area and leave out all the rest and only then are you truly comfortable with doing or saying something, like......

Its important to remember that this isn’t the only option you have for making yourself more comfortable with things you say or do or think, or even just have in the past.

The other perfectly viable option exists: you can simply....make different choices.