#im at work just on a break i shouldnt actually have but theres not much to do thursdya evenings and were waiting for the kitchen staff

[cuz-reasons]

16 for Do It Scared, Defeatist, Forgotten Beneath the Subway Seats and An Egg in the Snow? 👀

16. Talk about something you like in [Title]

Do It Scared

I love thinking about pokemon evolution so so much!!! But besides that, I really like when people and pets look alike or when pets pick up quirks from their owners. In that vein, I liked the idea that Eelektross acts a little like Emmet. Especially with the "Always the same" meaning to be doesn't like change thing. Also loved having Eelektross flapping his arms when he realised he had them now lmao

Defeatist

I saw a post way way back when I started writing this about pokemon abilities influencing the pokemon outside of battle/their personality and immediately thought of Archeops. It's a really fun concept to play with! Also just love this goofy bird and wanted to do smth with him in my quest to write a fic about every one of the twins' pokemon. The concept of Archeops helping in the little ways they can, like giving Emmet a Sitrus berry cuz it helps Archeops, is super cute to me and I couldn't resist writing it out too

Forgotten Beneath the Subway Seats

There's just... so much I love about this fic. It had me in a chokehold for the entirety of September in a way none of my other writing has had on me. It very much was a writing a story you want to read type situation and I'm so glad I did my vague ideas justice. And that so many people liked it too!

A couple scenes that I'm particularly proud of are the entirety of chapter 3, the later half of chapter 7, and, of course, the tone change to the end of chapter 9

I don't usually write things of that tone or dramatics, so it's really exciting that I managed to get it down in a way that I really like! There's times I'll reread bits of that fic like, "I wrote that?! Holy shit!"

An Egg in the Snow

At first this was 100% a set up for the "Ingo names Gliscor after a pokemon that already exists" punchline, but then I got really into it. Ingo's "It's situation hit a little too close to home" line really gets me too. Like, yeah, of course this man's gonna try his best to prevent what happened to him from happening to anyone else. He found something that he actually feels comfortable doing since arriving somewhere completely new to him with no memories. He's gonna cling to it as hard as he can. Also, Gligars are really cute and I love them.

[yutamayo]

byeeee

[dappersautismcreature]

I, hm. Serious bit right here but i just think this event is kinda not worth it? like as much fun as some people are having this is one of the biggest nukes dropped on the fandom and the ccs and the negativity is reaching a point where it just is not worth it.

the fandom is literally split over this, infighting is at its peak and its so awful, certain teams are unbalanced not just based on skill but on viewership and support.

to me, for pvp events theres a scale from like, hunger games on hypixel to the traffic series. pvp competitions are not usually fought between friends, and when they are, they arent structured like this. i cant really explain but traffic series death games are so different, theres more weight to deaths, and they have to form teams on their own, instead of being split into them. there is very little kill on sight, at least not at the start.

idk, this feels structured too much like a hunger games competition where the ccs are just picked, and arent friends neccessarily. but these guys Are friends.

pvp games, dying in minecraft, shaky battles and rules that can be bent all lead to actual hurt feelings and fan misinterpretations. its fun, so fun in concept, but i think they shouldnt have rushed into it full tilt, wish they had tested a bit first.

ik its purgatory, ik its supposed to bring out the worst in people, but when theres all this stress and negativity flying around and people literally cannot hang out together? mm, not worth it, this will have a ripple effect throughout not just the story but the goddamn fans. we are literally being "team jacob vs team edward"-ed. like, ship wars are bad enough but this is how fandoms become cesspools of discourse.

im trying not to let this make me hateful, i will try my hardest, i hope yall do too.

right before purgatoryy we literally had so much fun, ive never felt as connected to an online community as during the purgatory bus trip (even tho i fell asleep lmaooo)

to end this on a high note <3 i want to stay friends with you guys, and i fully believe everything can bounce back if we work on it, if we come out of this with repair and community in mind. love you all, take breaks and its ok if this makes you emotional or upset, its something that we've put a lot of investment into << just dont let it lead you to hurt anyone

[simplyender]

If it's asks you want, asks you shall get! I remember you mentioning that you think Spot will probably die in the next movie. However, Miles says something like "Spot only wants to be respected, like everyone else," before he gets interrupted by Miguel. Maybe this could hint at Spot making it out alive. Or this is just wishful thinking on my part. And if he really does die in the next movie, then it will be due to his own actions, like using up all his powers or smth like that.

tbh, my reasoning for spot dying can be boiled down to a few points. but first, i wanna talk about...

why i absolutely believe spot shouldnt be killed off.

1. the current narrative is that miles is effectively breaking the cycle that is "canon", giving a big 'ol Fuck You to whats defined as fate and inevitable pain. spots trying to force miles in to the narrative hes made up in his head (which coincides with whats meant to be "canon"), but things dont have to be that way and miles KNOWS that. i think itd be thematically appropriate if miles breaks this cycle of cruelty and allows spot to survive, making him have to face his own actions and crippling lack of self worth and actually work to make things better, for himself and everyone hes hurt.

2. im overly attached to spot being disability-coded, for more on that, please read this amazing post that opened my third eye. anyway, the tl;dr is that spot behaves and is treated a lot like a newly, visibly disabled person, subject to the same prejudices as they are as well as being forced to navigate an entirely new body, as somebody might have to if they were to receive a workplace injury that left them disfigured and permanently disabled. this is also why id like it if he doesnt get turned human again/"cured" at the end. it just doesnt feel like itd be satisfying for things to end like that for him. if anything, the most satisfying conclusion to his arc would if he got stopped, and then be given the opportunity to finally take responsibility for his own actions, and acknowledge his own fault in what happened to him and that it ultimately wasnt miles that did this to him and that even so, one of the things thats NOT spots fault is how he got treated for what happened to him so he really should get understanding and validation in that department. he also deserves to learn how to accept himself (beyond seeing his new form and powers as a tool to pursue revenge) as he is instead of it being framed likes hes only worthy of respect and recovery once he becomes human again.

3. i like him a lot and thinks he deserves better than to just be killed off.

why i think that despite it all, spot will be killed off:

1. any form of redemption or willingly giving up entirely depends on if spot can bring himself to listen to reason and take responsibility for his actions. something weve seen that hes notoriously bad at.

2. why would spot willingly choose to give up and back down when hes got absolutely nothing left for him in life? theres literally nobody waiting for him on the other side of this if he does. no family. no friends. no job. nothing. he might consider himself too far gone.

3. while 90s cartoon spot DID redeem himself, he did it through a heroic sacrifice...

4. lbr spiderman villains usually either get jailed or killed off. why would things be different for spot. because hes sympathetic? a lot of villains are. hes also insanely powerful and this could end up as a "destroys himself"" situation.

5. spot might be about to commit mass murder, which...definitely makes it harder to consider him as somebody "worthy of redemption".

6. ive watched so many of my favorite characters die. im not kidding i have the worst luck. 98% of them have been killed off and i think spot might be next in line bc its unlikely the writers care about him as much as i do. :(

so...yeah.

[suffarustuffaru]

im back on my reinhard/julius agenda but hear me out okay.

au where they become friends much sooner. childhood friends au.

julius’s whole world shakes when he goes to the knighting ceremony for children of noble knighting houses and he sees reinhard there—reinhard, whos powerful and Amazing and intimidating and it makes julius realize that hes far behind reinhard. it makes julius realize that he has to work harder to reach reinhards level of skill and power. but hes all starry-eyed, and he manages to catch reinhard after the ceremony and starts excitedly talking reinhards head off because reinhard is just so—awe inspiring—and ten-year-old julius at this point has way less filter and impulse control so why shouldnt he try and get close with reinhard of all people?

meanwhile reinhard is even more depressed after recently being 1. officially knighted and 2. officially given the “van” title and 3. his dad is gradually getting worse and he feels like its his fault, but julius is the first person around his age that actually shows interest in befriending him, so reinhard is just awkwardly going along with it because he doesnt want to chase julius away. hes super SUPER eager to finally have a friend. thats what they are right?? hopefully?? and reinhard is desperately holding onto this because yeah, julius likely wont like him anymore real soon, but itll be good while it lasts right?? he doesnt even mind that julius keeps asking questions about knighthood and training, because everyone does that anyway, so reinhard offers to help train julius and BAM they are now gonna meet regularly 👍

joshua meanwhile is Suffering even more than he already was because not only did julius develop an infatuation with reinhard, joshua also—like in canon yeah—faints during the knighting ceremony because FUCK I CANT LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH JULIUS IF HES GONNA BECOME FIXATED ON REINHARD AND LEAVE ME BEHIND AND ALSO I HATE REINHARD AND JULIUS FOR BEING SO PERFECT, and then joshuas worst nightmare becomes true because reinhard notices this and offers to help joshua and julius home, and julius accepts of course, and joshua wakes up to reinhard and julius being buddy buddy and then reinhard starts visiting the juukulius mansion regularly so joshua is absolutely SEETHING. SEETHING.

anyway reinhards regular visits go great 👍 all he has to do is walk (Travel At Extremely Extremely Fast Speeds) to julius’s house and back 👍👍 and it doesnt take much time for julius to get out his favorite books and info dump excitedly to reinhard because reinhard of course will listen to all of this and feel all warm inside because 1. oh are we friends now? 🥺 and 2. aw julius is so passionate about this 🥰 but then it takes a turn because of course julius has his hero worship with REID ASTREA. theres a tappei qna that confirms that reinhard Knows what reid was like, and if reinhard knows that at this point, he just sits there awkwardly while julius goes on and on about how cool and awesome reid was.

reinhard then has to decide whether to break the news to julius or not, but given how in canon julius didnt know what reid was like until he actually met reid, reinhard probably didnt tell him if reinhard knew at that point. so little eight year old reinhard sits there and goes “aha yeah… reid… what an interesting person…” which then turns the subject to reinhards family, which then leads into some talk about julius’s family too—but while julius is more likely to open up a tiny bit, reinhard is more like “my father is a good person who tries his best 🙂” and julius is like “i hear that hes. kind of not. but ill take your word for it i guess haha i mean IVE never met the guy” (he recognizes reinhard getting Upset about this subject) and reinhard is like “my father is a good person yes 🙂”

meanwhile alviero juukulius is very aware of all those nasty rumors about heinkel astrea and the astreas in general and alviero is Very Aware about his nephew/adopted son’s budding friendship with reinhard, who now regularly shows up to the mansion via Speed Walking, but alviero is like. well reinhard is a very well meaning child, i just hope no drama comes out of this haha.

anyway one day little ten year old julius with his Reduced filter and impulse control (tappei has said that younger julius was a Bit of a troublemaker) goes “reinhard you should sleep over at my house please 🥺 and maybe we should sneak out of my house past curfew and go on an adventure or something lol” and reinhard is like going ??? because of course breaking rules almost never occurs to him and the idea of breaking one makes him anxious. but julius is like “cmooon please 🥺🥺 itll be fun 🥺🥺 we’ll be out and back here so fast, no ones gonna know, itll just be us 🥺🥺” and reinhard of course 1. cant say no and 2. julius would be very happy if he agreed, so he goes along with it. they go have fun they have some kind of adventure and for a moment reinhard forgets all about all the Various Pressures he is under <3

and then they go back to julius’s house and alviero is waiting there casually like “snuck out again julius? *insert exasperated sigh*” and reinhard FREEZES UP hes like “oh sir ahah its not julius’s fault. it was all my idea actually. all mine. i dragged him along with me. you should punish me instead. im really really sorry i broke the rules sir” because he’s afraid julius will REALLY get in trouble. and julius and alviero stare at reinhard like he grew another head because “jesus christ its not that deep, youre not in That much trouble. im just gonna like ground julius for a bit, its not like im gonna. kill him. or anything.” and also “JESUS CHRIST YOU ARE NOT OKAY??”

anyway yeah reinhard is a very welcome visitor to the juukulius mansion (unless youre joshua) but every time he goes home, carol and grimm help make sure reinhard’s visits arent noticed. but. well. one day heinkel will notice. its inevitable, especially when eventually reinhard and julius will officially join the knights together. and heinkel will probably give this nasty little laugh and go “well. have fun while that lasts.”

and it doesnt last.

[coconox]

my whb progress 2

as of apr 7, 2024

since whb's half anni has passed, i thought i'd do a progress check to reflect on how much has happened btwn now and this post

general info

lvl: 47

status: 🤨 mostly f2p

i say mostly cause i just recently broke the f2p status and bought bp for ppyong

i refuse to buy packs and in the future i'll prob be very selective over who i pick for bp (aka i wont buy every bp), so for the most part i'll just be having the f2p experience

when i started: launch (10/03 my timezone)

ver: erolabs

team setup

i finally have levi now lmao

sometimes i'll switch out one of the levis for attacker satan but this is what i use generally

everyone's lvls and artifacts

skill lvls (normal atk-ult-passive)

attacker mammon: 1-3-1

selfie mammon: 4-5-4

selfie satan: 4-4-1

selfie beel: 4-4-4

bloodshed levi: 3-3-1

selfie levi: 3-3-1

secret club

i only work on completing mammon's unholy board

stuck on needing attacker mammon's sig atm :'))

materials

too lazy to screenshot it all but im basically broke on pies, tears, pretzels (tbf i dont play the minigame whatsoever), red keys, yellow keys, and seals

everything else im either ok in supply or overflowing w it

overall thoughts / reflection

this section is for me to look back on in the future when i do progress posts. i'll break down this section into multiple parts similar to my prev post for consistency

STORY

honestly, its interesting in concept. since sadly only 1 chapter has released btwn now and my last post so thoughts havent really drastically changed

ch5 imo wasnt really a full on hades chapter. yes, it takes place in hades and yes we get some intro abt hades, but i think this was supposed to act more like a bridge to tartaros, which is prob why we didnt have any h scenes w any hades chars aside from levi. ofc we'll get back to it being hades-focused eventually, but the story for a while is most likely gonna pivot to tartaros bc of that big lore drop abt mammon at the end

i assume we'll prob be introduced to the cherubs in tartaros bc of selaphiel txting us near the end + it being mentioned at the end that theres a hub of angels in the lab, and hopefully part 2 of mammon's h scene. it was strange at first for mammon to only have 1 h scene, compared to satan or levi that had 2, but w him implying theres probably gonna be a part 2 in his h scene + we'll most likely see him again in ch6 (or however many chapters tartaros will be played out), we'll prob experience part 2 in his home country. tbh that prob just me inhaling MASSIVE hopium since mammon isnt rlly that popular but i can dream ok-

i hope us being in tartaros doesnt last for just 1 chapter. you cant condense the experiments tartaros went through to create a clone of mammon only for them to fail + bring up the fact that the seed is prob also in tartaros in just 1 chapter. well— technically you can, but not at the pace chapters are at atm. chapters have roughly 15 parts of story on the main branch, and imo that much info abt tartaros cant be condensed into 1 chapter unless if they make the story bits like WAY longer than what they normally do

GAMEPLAY

tl;dr as an endgame player, its too easy 💀

working on the spreadsheet ever since the games 1st month of release and now just recently testing multiple team comps, the "meta" is so monkos HSHFJDJ

this game is INSANELY dependent on you having more than 1 dps/tank light card. light is also just an unstoppable element and i wish the game was balanced a bit more to let other elements shine

enemies are now way too easy to defeat. ik i prob shouldnt be complaining abt this but pls im a pgr and neural cloud player at heart I NEED SOME CHALLENGE

ch3 and ch4 were prob the most tedious and awful chapters, but at least they actually made me think when it comes to battles. now i just place down chars and let it play in the bg while i go do smth else. ofc this may just be bc i have a team that im comfortable w using everywhere, but id like to see at least a bit more "challenge" outside of holy coin portal

also, for weekly achievements, lvling artifacts is not a great requirement

i only pull when theres a new s rank or when mammon is moved to standard, so its very, VERY rare compared to avg users. having the artifact req is essentially forcing me to pull during those gaps just so i could fulfill a weekly req which sucks. i also dont need to lvl anymore artifacts in general for my team comp. lvl 15 is the bare minimum i need to get through all content w ease, anything after that is just a small boost tbh

on the note of daily/weekly requirements, there needs to be more of them

i mean in a sense of theres still gonna be 9 daily achievements, but you get more options on HOW you get to the 9 daily achievement req. most gachas that ive played always have more options than necessary to fulfill the overall requirement to get all rewards, so having this strict number w strict reqs is rlly not that great tbh

RESOURCES

thoughts from last time still havent rlly changed. pies and candies especially are still rng dependent which sucks, and now there gonna revamp pancakes while also keeping the old pancakes ???? theres way too many currencies (w some even having very little to no use) atp which can and will get overwhelming for new players

GACHA

i hate solomon seals. you can tell that red keys were supposed to be the main gacha currency if you ever look at old packs, but smth happened along the way and now we have seals

pity is also way too high for what we're earning atm. based off of f2p earnings, every week we get roughly 1 pull of red keys, maybe 2 pulls of yellow keys (red and yellow keys are more dependent on the key boxes which again, dependent on rng), and 1 pull of solomon seals. this doesnt include the stuff earned outside of dailies/weeklies, and i think there should be more ways to earn said currency through dailies/weeklies and not be so dependent on either paying or pulling chars

speaking of pity, i wish we had pity for both of the standard banners

i also wish theyd separate char and artifacts into their own banners. that way, if someone has a char but needs their sig, they can just pull in the artifact-only banner and try to get said sig

tl;dr in general i wish everything wasnt so strict and rng dependent, also wish numbers made sense like why do we get at least 5 red keys a week when 1 pull is 3, JUST GIVE ME 6 KEYS ATP

so yeah thats all for now lmao. im pretty sure i have a lot more to say abt this game but my minds at a blank atm, so ig thatll be saved for the next progress post which will be around 1st anni

[jefferythejelly]

ok more kidfic: do u have any pregnancy hcs? Especially for Foolish bc I've only rarely seen him as a dad :3

u have no idea what u've just unleashed 90% of the brainrot bulletpoint list i have for this au is pregnancy headcanons asjdfadkjs

this is like 90% just copy pasted from that bulletpoint list and slightly edited and also i've had this document since may of last year and have been slowly adding on to it every once in a while since then so FAIR WARNING this post is Quite Long

they try decorating the nursery themselves but neither of them know what to get or how to make it cute so then foolish calls up tina who eventually just makes them call up an interior designer XD

can you imagine them telling their friends abt it. can u imagine how cute auntie tina would be. she would be taking it so serious like she doesnt want any of the responsibility but she wants to be like the cool aunt y'know

random tidbit but i can so imagine a conversation between tina and foosh where they start talkin about the phrase "buns in the oven." like i think tina would think that phrase is really cute. i think that phrase is really cute tbh. hes got buns in the oven :>

following in the vein of nervous-but-excited-newly-pregnant-couple them going to foolish's prenatal care appointments and taking his health like super seriously. also ultrasounds. i dont think either of them would Cry cry but theyd maybe get a little teary eyed lookin at their kids for the first time

on some more classic omegaverse bullshit: punz had always been a bit possessive/protective as a partner and that very much continues once theyre mates and foolish is pregnant. like really frequently is holding his hand or has an arm around him, tries to be really doting and get him whatever he asks. not as common when theyre in public but one of his fave things to do is hug foolish from behind with his hands on his stomach

i'd imagine they have a few arguments esp when foolish is hormonal and does/says shit that annoys punz and he cant understand why. they work it out tho, bc they love each other <3

in the time leading up to foolish's due date his nesting instincts go crazy. theres nests everywhere in the whole house. when hes not sitting chilling in a nest hes making a new one or readjusting one

(this one is real long bc it is a vaguely drafted out scene oops) foolish's water breaks on stream/at least when he's in vc on someone else's stream bc like. i deffo think it would. u think this man would take a break? like the streams would get shorter especially as his hormones and instincts get more fucky but he would still be trying to be on that grindTM. and (bcuz this is the part i actually vaguely researched) he's been having like the irregular not actually real contractions (theres a name im forgetting it rn) so hes gotten used to just like feeling them, noting when the time is, and brushing it off when it doesnt happen again. so he's in vc with someone, i'm thinking tina lets just say tina, and he's in the middle of laughing really hard at a joke, but abruptly cuts off his windexing when he feels the whole "rush of fluid" thing and is all like o_o and tina's all like "foolish? you okay?" when he stops laughing like that and foolish is like "uh. i think my water just broke?" which makes tina go all "wait What?! like- like the baby's coming?" "yeah" "foolish!" (chat is freaking out. monkaS monkaW fukW) "shouldnt you like, go to the hospital?" "yeah, uh, bye chat!" (chat has been yelling at him since he said his water broke to end stream) he yells for punz who ofc comes rushing into the room like "whats going on do you need something" and when foolish tells him his water just broke he starts freaking out a little and then foolish has a contraction right then (is that realistic timing tbh its been a while since i did that google search. what i do remember is that theres apparently apps for timing contractions like isnt that neat. anyways) but then theyre like "sorry tina bye!" and then tinas like "good luck!" (is that a normal thing to say idk. even if it isnt it could be funny hashtag awkward girl swag /affectionate) and then they like drive to the hospital and stuff

i just have this image of like the night they come back from the hospital both of them in their nest with the babies laying between them oughhhhhh

listen i just think this is really cute but punz sitting on the edge of the hospital bed while foolish is in labor so he can lean into him and calm down with his scent

actually thought abt it a bit more and mayb this is more general omegaverse hcs but like i think omegas would have an instinct to give birth in a nest which obv is harder to do while also having the support of modern medicine in a hospital but maybe it is more normalized to bring some blankets/pillows/clothes/what have you to make a lil temporary nest in the hospital bed

foolish is way more absentminded/no thoughts head empty than usual (like forgets what hes saying in the middle of a sentence bad) bc of fucked up hormones pregnancy brain

he tries having one or two blankets wrapped around him on stream to be sort of like a temporary nest when his instincts start going wacky. sometimes it works sometimes he accidentally gets too sleepy and begrudgingly admits that he should probably end stream bc he can barely think thru the omega nesting instinct brain fog

actually on that note i think there a couple of times where punz basically forces him to take a break from streaming. it never lasts very long

i have decided that the timing of their baby is such that foolish is like 7/8 months when christmas rolls around bc i was at family christmas brainrotting what it would be like for them to have like cute domestic family christmas while foolish is still pregnant. he falls asleep on the couch leaning against punz's shoulder after dinner its very cute

they maybe do a thing where like they have christmas with one family on eve and one on day and have a slightly chaotic nighttime flight? do the flight times work out for that idk. but its bc their families wanna see them bc theyre all excited for the baby awwww

wait just remembered the whole scene i had imagined for this where they land in mass super late at night/early morning and once they get back to punz's parents house p much immediately go to bed but foolish cant sleep bc the babies keep moving and kicking and punz scootches down so hes all curled up next to his tummy and purrs at them so that they calm down and foolish can sleep

at the end of his pregnancy foolish is just like capital d Done like get these babies out my back hurts im tired my belly is fuckin huge. ive got tits now

punz very happily gives him back massages tho <3 even if he sometimes gets overdramatically whiny about it first

foolish is one day horrified to realize none of his usual foods are appealing and he is instead craving some weird ass food combo

when foolish starts showing more and its gonna be harder to hide on stream they do a cute lil classic pregnancy announcement photo where punz like has his hands around him on his belly (maybe taken by karl? or someone? i just realized i have no idea where i hc them living like i guess its always been vaguely nc but idk if thats like. necessary? idk whatever) but im imagining the one they end up posting isnt even one of the ones they were posing for its like a candid one where theyre looking at each other over foolishs shoulder or like laughing or something idk its cute its not staged and weird lookin

oh also at some point punz convinces foolish to do a maternity photoshoot (well kind of. its just punz taking pics of him in his underwear bc he maybe has a Thing for heavily pregnant foolish) and at first foolish feels kinda embarrassed and silly and punz keeps complimenting him and making him flustered (i have a couple of lil doodles of this + a few other ones related to this au in a sketchbook somewhere but i dont feel like digging them out + taking pics rn ajfsbajskb)

final note would like everyone to know as i was typing this foolish lost his water bucket in mc and he phrased it like "my water just broke" and chat was all like "wow congratulations whos the father." like what are the chances. also why is he like this. also can u really blame me for making this au when he is like this

[leeyanyanyaaan]

told my parents abt the new one piece live action thats coming out (bc i introduce anime to my kdrama mom w live action anime adaptations) and we talked abt how its gonna go

obviously im gonna be biased bc one piece is my favorite of all time (+ i dont have high standards considering ive watched a lot of live action anime), but the trailer looked really promising, and even made me smile and laugh so much! especially during snippets where the crews dynamic was shown (much love to iñaki he makes a perfect luffy), so im really looking forward to the release :D

we mainly talked abt how the adaptations story is gonna go, since yknow this is a BIG big series and its impossible to actually recreate the WHOLE thing, so ofc theres likely to be lots of changes.

SO my take is that they stop at the end of east blue arc/the formation of the og 5 crew and conclude it there, nice and short. east blue/baroque works usually seem to be the make it or break it for ppl getting into one piece so theres that too.

BUT!! lets say that the live action was a huge success, in the same way alice in borderlands s1 was, and they decide to continue adapting it. i dont think its likely and even if they do its gonna be a lot of work considering how meticulous the production crew is with detail (eg building the actual sets like going merry and baratie), but lets say they do it; i actually think it could work up until the end of pretimeskip arc!

think about after sabaody arc they got seperated and originally planned to find each other asap, but then luffy announced they meet in two years after the paramount war arc, and then we get a nice monolgue thingy as the two years pass and we see post time skip luffy kinda thing ready to start the grand line journey, i think itd thatd be a nice way to end the live action!

but ofc, i know how much work all of pre time skip would be, so i know its not very realistic, but if they do decide on producing more seasons i dont really see any other point in between that would be a good stopping point, like its either you stay w the og 5 crew or get all of pretimeskip ot9. i know we have the nonhuman charas to worry about and powers and whatnot, but its not like netflix has to adapt the series frame by frame; on the contrary, they really shouldnt bc the comedic novelty just wont work onto live action, and u can see that they consider this by not giving sanji and usopp the curly eyebrows and long nose (buggy looks fine in the trailer imo, his scene actually gave off video game trailer vibes which i liked a lot). i really think it can work if they just toned down the series to make it more down to earth (this could mean cutting down some of luffys moves like gum gum balloon in place of more practical fighting moves, which is most likely going to be the case for zoro and sanji i think) and i guess simplifying the story in general?

anyways, those are just some headcanons of mine AHAHDVSKBS very excited for the one piece live action!!

[bunny-heels]

giant vent post.

i think ive reached an actual breaking point. i havent had a breakdown this bad in such a long time and it stills feels horrible now as it did back then. i cant really think properly, not straight at least anyway. im going to ramble on and probably have a really hard time connecting everything together. but whatever.

at some point in my teens i developed a hyper self awareness. i would have that part of my brain that always thought rationally, like it was made up of a court of people or was some sort of other entity entirely. its always aware of what i was doing, if im doing something stupid, out of anger, irrational, selfish. its the "adult" part. it knows better than me, it knows right from wrong. and its not even like a "voice in the back of my head" or anything. its a very vocal and very upfront part of my brain thats there all the time. and it still is as im writing this. its never left.

my self awareness is really, really strong. it is pretty much my personal therapist. i think ive been through so much mental trauma in my life that my brain has just developed this as a safety net or firewall or whatever. and i mean it works a lot. only time it doesnt is when im really really depressed. like close to actually self harming or making a plan to kill myself levels.

i remember when i tried self-harming once, using really shitty dull scissors. that self-aware part of my brain was there the whole time, kept telling me this was a bad idea, there was no point in doing it and it would only hurt me and my loved ones if i succeeded in actually causing damage. i heard it the entire time. but i still went through with it and tried so hard to get through my own skin. i couldnt and i finally gave into the self aware and realized i shouldve listened to it sooner cause yeah, its not worth it to hurt myself just to regret it later.

my self awareness knew better like it always does. and like i said, its basically my therapist now. i barely even vent anymore because of it. i used to vent and rant a lot. i did it weekly pretty much because i had my little spaces where i thought i could let my emotions out and then i'd be able to go along with my day. then i had a friend of mine be passive aggressive towards me once because i guess they finally got sick of seeing of my rants on their timeline. and even my own mom told me i shouldnt be talking and showing my sensitive side so much online. then my stupid autism mistook someones joke for being real and i got so embarrassed i tried my best to seem like i was talking about someone else. and then i made friends with people where all they would do is rant and vent and rant and vent and rant and vent. and i got so, so tired of it to the point where i wanted to try everything i can to not be like them.

after that i barely ever ranted or vented again and only did it on very very very few occasions and only in places my friends could see. but every time i felt my emotions grow, my self aware side will just come in and be rational.

"dont think much about what these people online are doing, you know theyre just hateful and spiteful. theres no point in wasting your thoughts and emotions on them. do something you like instead."

"yeah the world is horrible right now. there are children dying and families being torn apart and innocent people being put through torture. and you feel guilty that you cant help them or that you dont deserve to be sad because youre not the one going through it. but its okay to be sad about people you dont know or how bad the world gets, and you dont need to justify your sadness. you know its different for everyone."

"you're reasonably upset about this thing, youre getting angry and there being no progress made is just making your mood worse. but font blow up. you know better than to yell at the people who dont and you dont want it to seem like youre annoyed with them or that you dont care. anger doesnt solve anything. you need patience and to be understanding. you shouldnt act extreme unless the situation really calls for it. then its justified."

if i have an urge to vent, i'll vent to my self awareness. if i get angry, my self awareness will calm me down. if i'm confused, my self awareness will look at everything it can. if i'm doing something i shouldn't, my self awareness lets me know. if i get bad impulses, my self awareness keeps me under control. my self awareness knows best. its the better half of me. its the part of me that i wish i could fully be 24/7. but i just cant.

and to be honest, my self awareness is also my enemy.

"i know you feel like venting but, look at all the problems these other people have. you dont need to talk about your problems with anyone. just use your brain and you'll be fine."

"theres already someone in this group that brings the mood down all the time. they talk negative about themselves and their life. you already feel bad for not being able to do anything. why add on to the list of people who cry and complain? you cant take care of your own issues just fine."

"is this the best time to be going to this person to vent and rant? i mean you have no idea what theyre doing right now. they could be busy, they could be in a good mood and you dont wanna bring them down. what if they dont even want to hear about your problems right now? its best if you just figure it out yourself for now. youre smart, you dont need other people when you already know what to do."

i remember in late elementary and during my whole middle school years, my mental health was the lowest its ever been. during middle school, almost every day was the same. i'd have an okay or mediocre time at school, i'd come home, feel relief for a bit and maybe hang out with friends, then all the sudden this wave of sadness flowed through me. it would hit hard and all at one. i would always have to get away from my computer, climb into bed, and cry. sometimes it was over something that happened at school, sometimes over something online, sometimes something at home, and sometimes for no reason. but it would always happen. no matter what.

i isolated myself when i cried. i hated people seeing or hearing me cry or tear up. i would get made fun of for crying in elementary school, whether if it was from bullying or having issues with class or the teacher. i was and am still really really sensitive. and i was always treated terribly every time i showed it. so when i got emotional or upset, i hid myself away. no one gets bothered by me and i get bothered by no one. eventually after learning some things about psychology and getting a bit of therapy, my brain trained on that and i learned to deal with my emotions all by myself. i didnt need to talk to anyone anymore, no more making someone feel bad or having my problems be ignored or getting made fun of for my emotions. from now on all my problems stayed my problems.

but i dont know how long i can keep going like this. i can rationalize a situation, i can regulate my emotions, i can do things at my own pace and never have to worry about burdening someone or myself ever again. im doing it all myself. im doing it alone.

i dont want to do it alone anymore.

i want to talk to people about my problems again. i want to rant and vent and ramble and scream about things that piss me off and make me upset. i wanna yell while i rant to my friends about something that made me angry. i wanna vent about having a shitty day. i wanna be able to message a friend and tell them i feel like shit. i wanna be able to call a friend while crying and saying that i wish things were better. i wanna be able to talk about how much the world sucks. i wanna have moments where i talk shit about myself, talk about how im a miserable piece of shit and that i dont deserve to be loved and cared for. i dont deserve friends or family, i dont deserve nice things, i dont deserve to have fun, or have medicine, or have people listen to me, or care about me. i wanna scream that i dont matter and that no one cares about me.

and all i want after that is just someone to hug me.

i dont want to hear rational explanations about the world, or about how life and feelings work, or how the human brain works, or how fair and unfair things can be. i dont want cold hard truth. i dont want blunt. my brain already does it for me. i know im being irrational, i know im just upset, i know im just depressed, i knows things are unpredictable and that life isnt a straight path and that not everything is simple and things cant be fixed that easily and that theres always gonna be hard moments and i just have to accept it. i know. i know i know i know.

just please. i just want a moment to he comforted.

i want someone to listen. i want someone to sit there in silence as they hear my begs and pleads. i want them to not say anything as i scream about how terrible everything is. i want them quiet as i complain that life is awful and things should be easier. i dont want them to interrupt while i talk shitty about myself and call myself a horrible person. i dont want them to talk. i want them to listen. i want them to hear me when i cry and listen when i go on and on and on.

and when im finally finished speaking, and im gasping for air as my throat is all raspy from how much and how high ive spoken, and my face is red and i have a massive headache and my eyes and cheeks are soaked in tears and my whole body hurts, i just want them to get up, be right in front or next to me, and hug me.

i want them to wrap their arms around me and squeeze me tight against them. for them to put their hand on the back of my head and on my mid back and stroke both of them. for them to put my face in the croak of their neck. and to just hear them breath and whisper

"its okay. everything will be okay."

and i'll cry again. i'll cry so hard my whole face will hurt. my eyes will be bloodshot, my face is hot and bright red, my nose is snotty and runny, my whole body is tired, i look like a disheveled mess. and i'll cry into their neck. i'll let it all out.

and i want them to be okay with that. i want them to let me let go. i want them to let me have my moment of breaking down. and when im tired from it all, i want them to soothe me and tell me that everything will be okay. that im not a bad person, that im not ugly, that its okay that im sensitive, that im not a burden, that i deserve to be loved and cared for, that its okay for me to cry, its okay for me to have these moments of weakness, that im not alone, that its okay for me to let it out.

that i dont have to care of myself anymore and theyll be there for me no matter what.

i'll have them and they'll have me.

but even now when im getting close to finishing this, feeling like i finally have let myself have a moment of vulnerability.

that voice comes back, it creeps in at the last few words.

"you do have people that care about you. of course theyre there for you. you know you have people that care. dont pretend they dont exist."

they do exist.

i know they exist.

but

what if theyre busy.

[skalecsz]

If you could how would you fix ino's development

i love you and also im sorry.

ino is such an interesting character, kishimoto took your average pretty mean girl and made her actually super sweet and caring, adaptable, and intelligent

i actually like her personality a lot, she values her looks and can be a bit crabby but compared to sakura, ino is a lot more willing to work with her teammates. she actively takes charge to the point that shikamaru and choji look to her for what to do

id keep her "crush" on sasuke but id instead make it something that sakura misinterpreted and ino went along with bc she thought sakura just didnt want to be friends anymore. she still flirts with sasuke but in a joking way.

id keep her rivalry with sakura but makes it explicit that she wasnt the one that instigated it, id also make her less "mean" in a stereotypical bully way since she was the one that defended sakura from bullies in the first place. she should still be sassy and a bit of a hot head but not overtly rude to others.

also id have her win her fight with sakura, just bc i think it contributes better to sakura's development, but also opens up an extra fight in the chunin exams. not sure who id pit her against but im just saying it would give her more stuff to do (maybe shino? they were both top students at the academy)

she goes on the sasuke retrieval mission and stays behind to help choji fight. theres no reason that she shouldnt go, choji can still almost die and ino can use the time he bought her to finish off orochimaru's lackey but ino has PROVEN to be a good ninja, even if her fighting isnt that great shes fantastic crowd control…come the fuck on.

development wise…no healing abilities…it just felt so tacked on and she didn't nearly have as much passion for it as sakura did. id focus 100% on her clan's reconnaissance bc their abilities are super interesting. would def give her an upgrade regarding her body switching jutsu so shes not left unconcious on the ground with every technique. when shes a genin thats fine but ur telling me sasuke can summon God and ino still can't control people without falling asleep?

okay the puppet scene with the "Mind Puppet Switch Cursed Seal Technique" literally has not left my mind its SO cool and I wish ino learned to use it. is it "ethical"? no. might even be a war crime. but thats fine i think. let ino be a little scary.

AND!!! SUNA LITERALLY HAS A PUPPET MASTER!!! Ino can train with kankuro or at least ASK for assistance

ALSO. OH MY GOD. GIVE HER MORE TO DO IN THE HIDAN AND KAKUZU ARC HOLY SHIT. that arc literally just ended up being about shikamaru (based) and naruto (???) why weren't ino and choji more present!! naruto literally appeared to save the day with his new jutsu when this mission shouldve been team 10 and team 10 ONLY (kakashi is on thin ice)

i like the confrontation between shikamaru and hidan in the forest, thats fine, but ino and choji should be absolutely duking it out with kakazu and his family of puppets! you know who else uses puppets/external tools? INO. Have her try to control kakuzu's external guys while choji beats him up, naruto arriving on the scene feels cheap :/ have kakuzu remark that "oh the strategist is gone" and then ino just immediately takes over as the leader and thinks of a plan because shes teammates with shikamaru's lazy ass and also BEING SMART IS LITERALLY SO IMPORTANT TO HER CHARACTER

AND GIVE HER (AND CHOJI) A SCENE WHERE SHE MOURNS ASUMA. OH MY GOD. HER FUCKING TEACHER JUST DIED. Ino is sidelined sooo much in team 10 its insane. maybe she and her dad (while not super close) talk about what its like to lose people you love, her dad has been a ninja for decades, he would comfort her. have her arrange a bouquet and place it on asuma's grave, have her break down crying over her teacher! this would also be interesting since we dont spend as much time with team 10, but would be able to see that the side characters have their own lives and feelings outside of naruto.

regarding romance ive personally always seen her as a lesbian but her relationship with sai is fine i guess. if she and sai are endgame id like more of a buildup to it. but if i can get my way she and sakura end up together <3

i think shes fine in the war arc, but the war arc itself is something i just wouldnt include if i were to rewrite naruto

also her blank period outfit is UGLY throw that shit OUT girl

[superchat]

before i rant lemme preface that i know there are situations for which people use streaming and i totally get it, this is a vent not a blanket statement

i hate streaming services they have completely removed ppls spines for owning content, its all just paying to rent out content, you have ppl out there who actually pay no ads on hulu. that doesnt mean just pay for hulu. that means you pay for hulu so that you can watch WITH ADS. then pay AGAIN. so that you can watch with no ads, and theres even MORE payment options after that for whatever reason holy shit.

i look up songs on tumblr and its just all spotify links. if im lucky theres soundcloud links. but even then i much prefer just, an actual song uploaded here. cuz the amount of times i clicked a soundcloud link that was posted here but it just breaks or the source was removed, is a lot. the amount of times i look for videos on here and i see just so much shit like this:

i didnt even have to try to get this screenshot, i just looked up one of the first things that came to mind, broken links and removed/unavailable content is everywhere and i wish The General People actually cared about longevity to do something about it

tangent but dont even get me started on twitter. artists are constantly fighting an uphill relevance battle cuz if they dont repost and retweet the works theyve sunk countless hours into, then after a two weeks its all lost and forgotten, i struggle to even find works from three months prior. not to mention how often accounts are suspended or banned and anytime i look stuff up on discord like 70% of the tweets posted are just gone. twitters design and setup is all based on instant and now with no regard for preservation, it sucks so much that artists built their community there cuz its the shittiest format to keep your portfolio on, no ones going to see the hard work that was made a year ago unless its reposted and artists shouldnt be having to repost and grind their own work like that imo

[relapsdcw]

im in a long distance relationship and we havent met yet. we met on a video game and it sounds even worse to say that but i told him today no matter how much i love him, i am going to break up with him after two years if we haven't met yet because he is unemployed and i am employed and he has his degree finished, like masters and everything hes just having a hard time finding a job in his field-- but im working to try and pay off debt before i go back to school (i was doing neuroscience and psych) and i wanted to be more debt free so im working a lot to do that and its hard because im paying bills for my family, too. so my boyfriend doesnt want me paying for any of us meeting for a few reasons, one being the debt and secondly hes more old fashioned with like,, a 'provider' mindset, kind of? like his intention is so i never have to work ever again- and small side quest convo is that that life is kind of what i want? just? mostly because im disabled, and between the physical health issues and mental, I would prefer to work as little as possible or at least just.. hope i dont have to work every single day of my life so i can get out of bed on my off days to enjoy life™ but anyway that isnt rly a reality rn back to main quest convo so like- right now i am working a lot and it is taking a huge toll on my health and my boyfriend cant get a job because its hard rn for what hes doing and he isnt interested in getting a job that isnt rly what he does and theres a part of me that wants to be like "if you really wanted to, you'd just get a shitty retail job until you find a job in your field" which makes sense but it makes me feel selfish for even suggesting that- but.. i dont know. I work 35-40 hours a week which i know isnt that much but with my health it takes so much out of me every morning and i feel like a bitch for saying that but i work that shitty retail job every day and i was actually like. i was doing something with my life. I was about to graduate- i was almost there. i just. have to get rid of debt before going back but wow ok i started rambling anyway so i just. i want to meet him. and i feel selfish for saying that but if we havent met after two years idk. i cant keep wasting my time. if hes serious about me and us but if its taken two years for us to meet what even is there? maybe im misinformed or just flat out wrong but surely it shouldnt take you 2 years to find a job? right? idk. he doesnt even talk about me to his family. i guess in a way i view it as like. why should i even continue to waste my time on someone who doesnt want to even put the effort in? i mean im sure hes putting the effort in but two years? i need to just. idk. idk. idk. idk. the whole thing makes me almost lose it thinking about it. but i cant do that. i cant waste my time anymore. idk. maybe im being too rushed or maybe i have my priorities wrong but im not interested in dating somebody that i have no future with if its only ever going to be restricted to an online relationship.

[2500kn]

a little announcement before i go back into hibernation (aka locking in for finals week)

its our final semester of being a 3rd year and we're going to be working on thesis very soon, but in the short break I do hope to release some short fics and maybe a very short chaptered fic (who knows if i'll have the motivation) after our finals! (which is actually not a lot but well we're in game development and doing a lot of things to make game look good™)

DO NOT expect that'll I'll be posting ALL of it during the break but here are some that I had in mind:

Knight au featuring mage prince kanade, personal knight mafuyu, royal painter ena and knight mizuki (and some other background prsk characters)

laufey mzen (dont you notice howww i get quiet when theres no one else arouuund)

angst mzen? (i have one already its just that i barely wrote in it and its about a song about a camera)

some sort of longer fic of a nice fic i saw about florist kanade & mizuki + tattoo artists mafuyu and ena

a bit of a side note:

i do notice that chaptered fics garner a lot more attention than those that are one shots (surprisingly, prsk ao3 is kinda weird), and even then i dont have much of a following here or on twitter to make a significant impact on.. quite literally anything. though i do appreciate it when someone comments (SHOUT OUT TO OOMF youre the best you keep me going :')) ). yes i know i shouldnt focus on the hit count or likes or etc but damn, sometimes when you put into effort into something you thought was good, it doesnt get a lot. but i swear if i make a chatfic and it gets way more than i expect- im a lost cause. LMAO

that's all, ill see you at 25:00!

[jupitercl0uds]

ive just been reminded of stuff oh no

if youve read most of my posts since like mid august, maybe september onwards, youll know that i am STRUGGLING rn. while its been all over the place, having highs and lows, i seriously havent been this bad since 2020/21. i know the reasonable thing to do is take a break, but i cant do that because i have pitiful impulse control atm. that being said, the only thing to really stop me is to deactivate. my main blog's been going for years now, so i dont want to lose everything, though i also get the urge to occasionally.

the issue is, the only times i actually feel almost fully comfortable in a social circle is on tumblr and even then im still scared and awkward. my school friends keep saying really hurtful stuff and while a lot of it is just as a joke, theres almost no time to be serious with them. ive tried. i weakly asked them to stop calling everything retarded more months before finally putting my foot down and demanding, although it took a month of 'retard! whoops, i shouldnt say that' before they just went straight back to it.

my family loves me but i dont like it here. i dont think i even can get into it because its complicated. just know ive seen and HEARD a lot over my short life and its finally starting to catch up to me.

as for the other kids in my school, im in an awkward spot. im honestly fairly 'normal', just with slight outbursts from time to time, but ive always been weird so i always will be. oh, year 9 me, how naïve you were. they don't care if you have an autism diagnosis, if you mask or not, you will NEVER be normal, you will NEVER be accepted and they dont care if theres a reason. if anything, that makes it worse.

im only ever happy when im on tumblr or doing something sonic related. on tumblr, im insecure that nobody really likes me or someone's going to manipulate me, with no amount of reassuring being enough to change that. and as youve already seen me say, sonic is 'too childish', no matter how heavy the themes can be.

this always happens. pre-2020, i didnt really use social media much and i was 11 oldest, so my main escape was roblox/youtube. in 2020-22, i was only happy when chatting to friends on discord. that was ruined when we all started to argue and drift apart. in 2022-23, it was tiktok. this was then ruined when popular kids found my silly waluigi tiktoks and started sharing them around. i havent used tiktok since june and i havent posted a public video since may.

but then, last year, i remembered i had a tumblr account. i started to use it more. and then, when sonic got involved and suddenly i was becoming friends with people, i started to feel my absolute happiest. i was euphoric.

until, of course, my brain struck.

if my birthday werent at the end of august, i think i would be much worse than i currently am, because at least i had a short break to be happy. school was off to a bad start from the very beginning. i didnt sleep the night before my first day, nor did i sleep before the second. what's worse, mum didn't let me stop working at the charity shop i had THOUGHT was for the summer, because, you know, i dont have anything on my plate, im able to just have a designated day of the week where i have to be productive. nope! ive had my days off, but ive still had work every week. is it hard? no! do i have the spoons to go most weeks? also no!

thats not to mention exams. ive always been a well performing student and will be surprised if i fail even 1 gcse, but im not the top of any of my classes, not even the ones im passionate about. no, i dont have to be, i know, but when you grow up as a kid who often IS the top of their year in something, the moment you aren't, you feel like a failure. even if i get all 9s and a d* in drama, there'll be someone who gets more than me in something, and i know i definitely wont get all 9s and a d* in drama. i was proud for a moment, for being top of english, until i found out a girl ive known since primary got a 9 in an english language mock. english language. my favourite english and the subject im best at. needless to say, i was miserable. i barely even slept across the course of my mocks and wont be surprised if i do the same for my gcses.

i sometimes wonder if im just not built for the world, which could honestly be the case. because i have low support needs and my biggest problems are sensory issues (which can be easy to prevent) and social problems, i forget im even allowed to be disabled by autism. but i think that honestly might just be the case.

ive always wanted to be a teacher or an animator, hopefully both, but im starting to wonder if i can do either. animator has such a big workload. teacher also has a big workload, but i know because my family is full of teachers and artists that it's the kind of workload i can manage. but the kids? could i control the kids? could they even take an autistic, nonbinary teacher seriously? again, i dont have high support needs, but its hard not to notice im autistic. of course, if everything goes to plan, i would probably start teaching in the 2030s earliest, 2050s latest, so the world will have changed, but how much?

i get most of these are problems out of my control, but i suppose im just scared and tired of living. that's why i make a million posts a minute: i cant get a word in edgeways with anyone else. that's why i get so apologetic: id get ridiculed for trying otherwise. i get that im annoying and boring. i should know. when i was 3, my dad infodumped about back to the future to me for about half an hour and it was such a tiring experience that it still gets brought up. so i get it, it's annoying when all i care to talk about is sonic. but its the one thing i can care about right now. the world is in ruin and i hate being alive. i dont even have enough motivation to act upon any occasional suicidal/self harming thoughts.

but life goes on and there's no way to stop it.

[sadisthetic]

alarmingly long hanahaki au jaya. i hurt jay quite a bit in this. this is a product of 4 straight days of insanity. im SO ILL. ABOUT JAYA. IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END OF THIS. I COMMEND YOU. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME IN ADVANCE.

once again adapted from a twitter thread. its. like 165 tweets long. yeah. yeah. im lazy so its gonna be mostly copy pasted and lightly edited so if it sounds like im talking to myself I WAS. AND I WAS DOING IT FOR FOUR DAYS. 

anyways heres the start.

-

so hanahaki.... jaya.... season 3...... jay is absolutely the guy who gets hanahaki theres absolutely no doubt about that like absolutely none. but the world building tho... how should i handle it.... i want it to be canon compliantish. and more importantly. when should i give him symptoms. what would be most interesting

sure. i could give him hanahaki after he find out about nyas perfect match. but haha

what if he get petals earlier tho.

he doesnt understand why at first, why jay starts coughing up petals, he and nya are dating and in love. there shouldnt be any reason for it. its not bad yet so he just ignores it really hard or thinks he mustve gotten a weird strain because theres now way he has normal hanahaki because theres No Way! haha

so when he hears the truth there in his parents trailer, the roots around his lungs constrict and he cant tell the pain apart from his heart breaking in two. his chest hurts so much and he sees cole and just goes ballistic

just imagine. what thats like for him. hes mad but its a secondary response to the heartbreak. hes had signs literally inside all along but to actually find out? like this? jay cant take it

haha. the double date would suck so much HAHA. he holds it in through the whole duration of the movie but when its over he vomits full flowers in the bathroom

ive been mulling over the worldbuilding of hanahaki in this au of mine. i thinking i want it to be a departure from the standard hanahaki worldbuilding thats in fics. just slightly. mostly regarding the fatality and maybe treatments........ i think i want jay to have hanahaki the whole time until skybound. and so i think im gonna have to make hanahaki nonlethal. but kinda like chronic pain. if you cant let go of that love

im partially adopting another fics worldbuilding but i like the idea you can recover on your own if you simply fall out of love. its easier and less damaging the earlier you give up on the love. the roots atrophy and fade and theres not that much scarring. you can easily recover

but you know...... its jay. hes not gonna let it go. he cant. he loves nya.... i think he hides his affliction tho... because he knows nya doesnt want to get back together. and he doesnt want to look you know.... pathetic? desperate? overly clingy?

“you still hasnt gotten over nya?” “dude come on.” “give it up.” he doesnt want to hear it from the others. because he doesnt want to. 

but also he wants to save face in front of nya. hes scared itll drive her even further away. his heart cant take more of that. this distance hurts enough

so for months.............. he suffers the pain of one sided love. quietly. pretending that nothing is wrong and that jay is okay with them just being friends. of course jay could choose to surgically remove the hanahaki.... but he doesnt want to do that

i think im gonna keep a bit of the amnesia worldbuilding standard fics have. but im not gonna have it so that artificially removing the hanahaki makes you forget the person you love. no.... just the love that you felt. i think jay doesnt want to lose his love for nya..... also not being able to fall in love with nya scares him. hes just that fucking attached to her. he has it bad man. dude has attachment issues. hes so clingy. 

anyways. jay chooses to suffer. because hes that badly in love

jay self medicates on over the counter cough suppressants thats meant for the cold and more normal sickness. works surprisingly well. not ideal tho. he also fills his pockets with cough drops and sometimes makes himself sick when he accidentally eats too much on bad days

he gets sick of them. the sweet icky taste and menthol nausea but he doesnt have that many better ways to deal. its just a temporary fix too. considering that coughing is his body's natural way to get rid of the petals. and hes just letting them sit in his lungs

periodically he has to stay hunched over a trashcan to clear out the petals and yes its an awful experience every time. it becomes routine. the petals scratch his throat on the way out and he gets into tea to soothe the irritation. he becomes a regular at mistake's

in general, his ability to breathe starts to decline and he gets winded so much more easily. the plants in his chest limit his airflow and also steals the oxygen from his lungs. his chest is tight always and aches like theres thick needles lodged in his chest. those are the roots

usually its manageable. but it becomes harder to fight. battles usually end up leaving him wheezing. one of the guys teases him about it. that hes slacking and getting out of shape. he sidesteps that convo tho and brushes them off. he certainly cant be honest

im a sadist so im gonna making him pass out after one fairly vigorous battle. one which he has to push himself harder to make it out alive. so hard that his lungs cant keep up with the rest of his body and even when he gets himself to a safe corner or clearing, no amount of breaths is enough and he just blacks out. he eventually comes to a worried face shaking him awake. ill figure out who and when this is set later. either way they just assume jay got knocked out even though they cant find any wounds. theyre relieved he seems fine

but that was very bad. super duper bad for jay tho. he cant let that happen again. but these kinds of things are out of his control tho. but he just has to deal.

things comes to a head in skybound. i think itll be most dramatic if nya finds out in the lighthouse. after she rescues them and they successfully flee. when they settle and in moment jay cant hide he coughs out a gross mass of petals

and nya has a slow step by step realization of the implications. but before all that happens tho. nadakhan. i dont think he knew jay had hanahaki when he first targeted him. maybe. this point might change

but as it is, for the thought i have, nadakhan learns when jays meds wears off, and hes not even able to pop in a cough drop his mouth. and he vomits a messy slurry of petals onto the wooden floorboards of the deck. its EXTREMELY FUNNY to nadakhan, he mocks jay for it! he has hanahaki! that is so tragic! to think jay has known his love was utterly unrequited and yet he tried so hard to win her back. but it was all a hopeless, desperate, pathetic endeavor. so nya truly doesnt love jay, hm? so shes single and free for the taking. no hard feelings, then, when they marry

up on the ship, he coughs up so many flowers. he doesnt get enough sleep from the persistent coughing. and passes out multiple times, for a collection of reasons. from being knocked out, exhaustion, apnea, running out of breath after several matches of scrap n tap

i think it would be really sad and pathetic if there one incident where he chokes on a flower. and he cant cough it out and he thinks gonna die for reals. a pirate helps him out only to add insult to injury (and to torment him more to pull a wish out of him, hes better off alive than dead)

when hes rescued by his friends, theres no flowers around so none of his friends suspect. jay manages to keep the petals in his mouth, catching them behind his teeth, and swallows them back in. he coughs pretty bad but they all think he just got really sick. he looks awful after all

but thats of course only up until the lighthouse. ive been contemplating about how nya handles it all...... how she feels......... what is the most satisfying route here is much more trickier to figure out than just a fixit skybound au....... 

feelings are trickier and much more loaded........ the revelation certainly isnt going to be an easy thing for nya to swallow..... but lighthouse talk has so much potential....... jay might be honest for once..... because he has to be.... forced to be!

ngl lighthouse part of skybound has been super elevated in my head by favorite skybound fic so my perceptions of it and my own take on it for this au is probably going to be influenced by that. not in the sense im copying scenes but in the sense of like. oh yeah writer IS right, lighthouse ep TOTALLY has the massive potential for big feels and honesty. and revealing trauma/hurt feels. anyways. let me talk a bit about nya and the little dilemma i have.....

so like...... nyas part in the story is so tricky to handle.... because she entirely determines the ending of this story. much more so than in the original canon.....

because the crux of this story is the love between nya and jay... the lack of thereof from nya and the undying love from jay. hanahaki. unrequited love. the story is not just about jay making mistakes and being flawed as a person and being tested as a person and learning and growing his mistakes

in this au, the focus is specifically on his love for nya and how hes willing to hang onto it for so long despite how much it literally hurts him. love hurts. its barely even worth it. but to jay it is. this story is driven by his love. however how it ends all depends on nya.....

and heres the thing.... i know the way the "romance" in skybound was resolved was..... whats the word..... forced? it was insufficiently developed.... i cant recall the exact word i wanna use but it was just. tacked on. nyas change of heart kinda came out of nowhere....

nyas line in the lighthouse before she pushed jay through the portal is honestly inconsistent with her characterization that season up to the point. shes really didnt seem like she loved jay back at all. its entirely because the writers didnt write in those feelings

it takes a bit of creative thinking and interpretation to make jays and nyas get together at the end of the season work. you have to fill in the gaps of the romance yourself if you want it and want it to make sense and have it be satisfying

what i do for my fix it interpretation of canon is that nya didnt actually stop loving jay entirely in s3 breakup arc. instead i choose to think is that nyas desire for independence simply grew stronger enough to eclipse her love for jay

also i like to think nya liked jay more casually than he loves her so it was easier to break off their relationship. if youve seen my dream divorce ot3 slowburn get together break up get together fic (concept) (that only exactly two people know what im talking about). and also string of fate au. ESPECIALLY IN STRING OF FATE AU. then you know. my take on them. ANYWAYS.

the problem i have for this au is that i cant do that. i cant use that same interpretation to have them get together again. it doesnt work. because in this au.........nya really did fall out of love for jay. and having them get together again just like canon isnt.......satisfying

its tricky..... because to make nya fall in love with jay now after she learns he has hanahaki..... if im not careful ill be doing the same thing that the writers are doing. writing a careless romance solely because i want them to be together

and i DO want them to be together again.... but it requires a considerate approach if i really do want it. here..... the situation is this..... nya finds out jays has truly been in love with her for months STILL. and its bad enough he got hanahaki. i think she might feel uncomfortable about that. its unwanted love you know? being the object of someones desires still after you long broke up with them. she has moved on but jay hasnt? its super awkward for her...... but also...............

jay knows that. nya isnt stupid. she realizes that jay knows that and thats exactly why he kept it from her in the first place....... shes also uncomfortable because... jay is suffering because of her. she broke it off with him but its not like she doesnt care about jay 

no she still does. jay is still someone important to her. hes not just some ex. hes still a friend.... and her heart aches seeing jay suffer. her heart twists realizing that jay has been suffering this whole time on his own and she had no idea.

and it was out of consideration for her. its not entirely her fault jay has hanahaki..... but also she does feel a little bit responsible. sure jay messed up a lot recently and all of it is because he wanted to get back together with her and she doesnt like that.... but also..

learning about it put some things into perspective for her. like shes uncomfortable but jay has been hurt and is genuinely hurting still and she doesnt want to hurt him more and she wants to be gentle. so she starts thinking first. before she proceeds to deal with feelings

and so she starts really thinking about it. she was mad. she was mad jay kept so many secrets from them and endangered them all. and that he was STILL attached to her after all this time. shes still a little mad about that but also its subsiding a bit now....

if she really thinks about it.... jay had been respecting their break and her boundaries up until recently. in fact she only found out now, months later. jay actually did do a pretty good job of hiding those feelings. and not only that... his hanahaki.

that. she doesnt fucking understand how jay kept that a secret. ITS HANAHAKI. HOW DID HE HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE. ITS THE MOST VISIBLE DISEASE. maybe she did notice jay smothering a cough or clearing his throat every so often but to think it was hanahaki this entire time......

....when did it start even...? she can only assume that it was around their breakup. they eventually have a talk. a really important one that jay cant run away from. it takes a bit for jay to be fully honest and tell her that he started spitting petals when they were still together

she becomes mortified by that fact. and what that means. and she gains a bit of perspective of how the perfect match debacle looked from jays perspective. she really was.... a terrible girlfriend during all that huh.... to nya it felt like a clean break..... but to jay.... it left him pretty raw. 

it didnt hit nya until know how much jay was hurt by the breakup even without considering the hanahaki. jay still loves her despite her cheating on him and making him fight over her because she couldnt decide? it seems that jay doesnt even care about that. doesnt even think she was a terrible girlfriend at the end of their relationship when she very much was. something is deeply wrong with jay (he loves her too much). jay hadnt been the best...... he had been really selfish and self centered. esp with the whole wish thing

but she comes to a realization that she was being really self centered too. its unfair for her to criticize jay for that when the very beginning of it all was because of nyas own selfishness. its unfair for jay to break up over something so stupid like a match making machine

of course part of it was still on jay. he should have still let go. you cant have a relationship in which only one person is in love. but.... she couldve gone about it in a better way. a way that wouldnt have hurt jay so much at the very least

he has apologized for everything involving nadakhan and keeping secrets.... maybe taking on more blame than he should.... nya owes jay an apology too. so at the very least she gives him a proper one. for her own faults

but she doesnt know how to fix jays hanahaki tho...... and to be honest? neither does jay. he tells her this. despite everything he didnt want to force her to love him. he didnt want to guilt her back into a relationship. he didnt want her to give him her pity also

thats part of the reason why he kept it a secret. he wanted to *win* her back. make himself more appealing so that nya would love him again. jay was super misguided in his approach and didnt understand why exactly nya broke up with him in the first place

but thats what he wanted... nyas genuine love. (im ignoring a tiny chip of canon for this. or im considering it a moment of weakness (jays dismay when he learns he cant wish for love). creative interpretation is that seeing his future in the mirror made him too hopeful and a bit desperate) anyways. jay is a hopeless romantic. who is extremely lovelorn. also hes chronically ill like literally. cut him a little slack

anyways anyways. i dont want nya to just get back together with him right after finding out about his hanahaki. its bad romance. it wont taste good. it wont be genuine......... 

as it is...... of course theres multiple options................ but they arent all happy. and i do feel like. a story like this does need a happy ending..... it would be too sad if it remains unresolved. im just gonna talk about the ends that kinda suck first

most unsatisfying but technically still very plausible end: a standstill. nya cant do anything to help. she wants to but she cant return jays love. jay understands but decides keep living with the hanahaki. the two of them keep living in this awkward status quo, knowing.

eventually jays hanahaki gets too much for him to handle and he either dies or nya/the others take matters into their own hands and without his consent, send him to surgery bc hes dying. unethical maybe but they want him to live

its super awkward after that.... but things return to normal and they all forget about it except for nya, where it lays heavy in her mind forever. if he dies its just tragedy. i dont want this kinda of end

a potential good neutral end however can be one in which jay tries his best to simply move on. try to process his one sided love into something... different somehow. because he accepts that nya has fallen out of love with him. he has long accepted that.

but they talk........... and a lot happens (being pushed into the portal, the rest of skybound). and jay has a realization too. nya may not love him in the same way.... it doesnt mean she doesnt love him. she still cares deeply.....

she cares about him a lot as a friend. that love is still worth something. its..... its more than what jay thought nya felt about him. it honestly felt like their relationship get demoted all the way down back to acquaintances, at best coworkers. not technically. they were still friends. but jay felt a yawning distance between them after the break up. its one part nya distancing herself from jay after that whole disaster. its also another part jay keeping his distance so that nya doesnt learn about his hanahaki

whatever talk between them was either just ninja business, surface level casual conversations, or small talk. it was awkward but only when they dwelled on it... (and jay did dwell on it) but in the lighthouse they actually talk Talked about things... about them. and jay learns

nya sacrifices herself to save jay in the lighthouse and he realizes that he still matters to her. the everpresent tightness in his chest doesnt leave but it.... loosens. and he breathes easier for the first time in a while

he still wishes that nya and him could get together romantically. but something about his feelings changes. he feels less lovelorn somehow. his heart still yearns a little. but somehow he feels more okay. he hurts less

and once time turns back and jay and nya share this secret and finally properly reconcile after everything is done. the pain in his chest abates more and more as time goes on. hes not sure if hes exactly cured. but he can live without hurting now somehow

he learns how to live with his unrequited love. and more importantly he doesnt need his love to be requited anymore. because love is love you know? she doesnt love him romantically but she does still love him. and thats still good

they were always a little mismatched in their feelings for each other anyways. jay isnt settling for lesser. nyas love for him now is just different not less. and jay accepts that. and hes content that they managed to fix them. their relationship. hes okay and happy

his own feelings... he doesnt know if they changed themselves also like nyas has. he doesnt feel like his love has changed. but the nature of it mightve become more ambiguous. and it doesnt matter anyways. he loves nya and that will never change

hmmmm i think this became less of a neutral end and more just an unrequited good end. and accidentally poured so much aro juice into it oh my god? i had a good requited end thought up kinda also before this end i just talked about the end first bc i wanted to talk about requited end last

i kinda came to really like good unrequited end........ im still gonna talk about good requited end tho. i kinda want opinions about which end is narratively the best..... even though i only have a confident audience of two

i think requited end is a bit more dramatic..... nya really doesnt know what to do. she broke it off with jay. she wants to fix him. she really wishes he didnt get hanahaki for *her* of all people....

whats so great about her anyways that he would live like this for months on end be just ok with it. she thinks if she was in jays shoes she would long moved on. she doesnt get what is worth the pain and risk

either way she doesnt want to date him out of pity. she distinctly has a feeling that wouldnt actually fix anything. and probably jay doesnt want that too. but also she cant fabricate love

she feels suffocated by just the prospect and it reminds nya about why she dumped jay in the first place. this whole thing reminds nya why she dumped him. jays love was always too much for her. smothering. of course he gets hanahaki. why is she even surprised. if anyone would, its jay. she doesnt want to resent him for it though. hes hurting because of it. and he spared it from nya up to this point and she only found out because jay couldnt help it. who knows how much longer he wouldve kept this secret

but as is. she doesnt know what to do. so they stay in the lighthouse awkwardly together. they were honest with each other but now what? .....actually. curing hanahaki can come later. they gotta focus on saving their friends and all of ninjago first before they can deal with them

HHMMMMMMMM....... i think despite knowing about how much jay love her.... she doesnt really... Get It. HOW he loves her i mean. quantity vs quality. when they were first dating, to her it was really casual. in my mind jay was first attracted to nya shallowly too

but then he fell deeper. more genuinely. and that contributed to a greater discrepancy between their level of affection. nya for the most part has been believing that jays obsession with her is because hes just too clingy and attached. and like he is. but.... its like the product of the intensity of the emotion you know? his love for her manifested in jay in a way that put nya off a little. contributed to the reason why nya dumped him all those months ago.... having a heart to heart gave her some perspective on what it has been like for jay but

thats different from Understanding you know? comprehending... seeing the depth... anyways... so jay had been acting too chivalrous up to that point right? and then nya learns about jays hanahaki and chalks up his behavior to him overcompensating...... a symptom even

nya thinks its just jay trying his best to win her back. she doesnt really have that many reasons to think otherwise. its whats consistent. this all happened because jay wanted them to get together again. whatever, she has decided that shes going to forgive jay for all that, needless acts of chivalry included. even tho. she really doesnt like that. calls it a force of habit and puts it aside. for more Important Things like taking care of jay and taking nadakhan Down

but then they get found and theyre scrambling fast to prepare for the attack and counterattack. they manage to fall into a frantic but familiar routine of collaborative repairs and fixes and asides from jays incessant coughing reminding nya that things are pretty awful.... its nice

she doesnt get to feel that way for long tho. their haven is raided and their prep wasnt enough, theyre struggling, theres way too many pirates and its just the two of them against what feels like an army and theyre on the way to losing and nadakhan is nowhere to be found

they try to stick together to have each others backs but they get separated anyways and they start doing even worse. im changing up the action scene btw. nya manages sweep a bunch of pirates away but doubloon is one of the ones that could actually put up a fight

meanwhile jay isnt fairing very well and maybe worse because he was already injured and also his hanahaki makes it really hard. he fights for his breath trying to hold his own. he gets fucking smashed by dogshank through the floor onto the stairwell below. all the air is knocked from him

and he legitimately cant breathe for a solid moment. hes wheezing and he coughs hard enough to vomit. he doesnt have his breath back when he looks up and sees nya panicking at the sight of him and shes distracted and jay sees doubloon take an opening

jay doesnt even breathe when he instantly fires a lightning bolt from prone towards doubloon. and hes already up and sprinting to nyas side to fill her blindspot.

hes on the cusp of an asthma attack, he can feel it, but he doesnt have the time to worry about it (as if he had any control over it) his chest is tight and his breaths are too shallow and it hurts but he pushes through it to protect nya. hes slipping though

assaulted from all sides, between doubloon and dogshank and all the pirates, jay knows theyre going to lose. mostly because of him. hes dragging the two of them down and why did he ever think the two of them had the chance and why did he ever think that nadakhan would even come (hes not gonna this turned into a full divergence now) and even if he wasnt flagging hard now, he can feel it his chest that hes going to pass out if this goes on for any longer and leave nya to fend for himself and get them both captured and he cant let that happen.

nya is at her wits fucking end she can feel them losing too and nya refuses to think about how at this rate both of them are going down, but she wont let them. but, among the harsh clangs of weapons, the rush of floods, and the cracks of lightning at jays fingertips,

through all this discord, at this proximity she can hear jays struggled breaths and its the most terrifying sound in the world. then suddenly shes shoved to the side and hears a crash and a cry and when nya looks jays sliced through by doubloons sword

then something glows by her feet and nya realizes what jay did. he broke the teapot. clutching at his wound, jay gives nya a strained smile. he says "sorry" and kicks her in before she can object. before the portal closes she watches jay take a stand only to be subdued

she lands in the junkyard with a bad tumble. she just lies in the dust and dirt in shock. it happened too fast. jay sacrificed himself for her? jay risked himself even though he was the one who needed protecting and got himself hurt to pull that stunt.

and now hes in their clutches again. rage begins to well up. why! why?! why did jay do that?! is he stupid! there had to be a better way, they couldve escaped together and regrouped! tears begin to well up as well. nya gets up and smashes a bunch of junk

jays parents come out after that. and nya realizes where she is for the first time and forces herself to calm down. she sorts out her feelings over ednas soup after shes pulled into the trailer..... 

at first she doesnt get it. shes too upset to think about it. she vents to jays parents about what he did. "why did he do that?" and it was meant to be a rhetorical question for herself but edna gives her an answer thats way too simple.

"because he loves you." 

and nya is hit with another rude realization. shes been having too many of those

jay..... loves her. deeply. truly loves her genuinely, more than he cares about himself. its not just lingering attachment. its a deeper, more sincere love than nya could ever fathomed. nya knew how much jay loved her. but at the same time she didnt. she didnt get how he loved her

she feels a way about that. all this time jay loved her this bad? bad enough to catch hanahaki, bad enough to keep his hanahaki, bad enough to hide it. bad enough to *wish* for her love, to suffer, ang to get hurt for her...

she thinks he loves her bad enough to die for her. she really feels a way about that. her heart starts beating fast. she doesnt want to put together why. she kinda wants to cry.

why was she so mean to him... sometimes he deserved the little things he had coming but why was she so harsh. why did she fall out of love with him..... well she knows but also.... she was really unfair to him huh. jay wasnt perfect and he was too much but... she doesnt know.

all she knows is she feels a lot of regrets right now.. and moved by jay what did for her... along with this third unplaceable feeling. 

(she started falling in love again)

its a slow gradual thing tho. nya doesnt place it immediately. she doesnt think she wanted to after she broke up with him herself. didnt even think it was possible.

but eventually nya feels very embarrassed by it when she realizes. because 1) oh my god shes falling in love with him after falling out of love and dumping him? is she shameless? and also 2) flustered because shes For Reals in love this time now beyond the casual kind of love she held for him before. this realizaton doesnt happen anytime soon. probs a good amount of time after everything resolves

so for narrative purposes i swapped jays and nyas roles for this last part of the story only. i think its safe to say jay is not treated kindly when he reboards the ship. in fact i think theyre even crueler for letting nya get away. before he was just roughed up to play with him

a form of coercion to get him to make his last wish. this time theyre taking it out on jay as punishment. nya assembles a rescue party like jay does in canon and somehow rescues jay and she hates the state that she finds him hes in

i think he'll be easier to rescue than nya because hes not like.... nadakhans bride. but wait..... WAIT NO IT COULD HARDER BECAUSE THEY COULD SET HIM UP AS BAIT FOR NYA TO COME GET HIM.... FUCK CURSE MY WHUMP DRIVEN BRAIN!!!!!!!!!! ITLL BE SO MUCH HARDER TO GET HIM LIKE THIS BUT— 

THE IMAGE OF JAY BEING TIED/STRUNG UP IN PLAIN VIEW.... fuck. figuring it out is too hard and i dont even need to figure it out for the romance do i like goddammit. fucking sequencing..... maybe they get their friends out of the sword first.... somehow.

as for how they beat nadakhan..... i havent thought up a good way. i dont think it should go the same way as canon. i want nya to actually have her agency and not take it away again after ive given it to her. 

i however dont know what jays wish should be. thats like so hard to figure out. this end is a significance divergence from canon. oh also jay has been thoroughly gagged so he cant say his wish. and also maybe because the pirates got sick of his coughing. nadakhans goal for torturing jay has changed.

he doesnt want him to break and submit and wish himself away anymore. he has better use in making sure nya comes to him. well he can still break him. its extra motivation. an incentive for nya to be a bit more faster and careless in her desperation to save him. he just shuts jay up also.

also im a sadist. anyways back to defeating nadakhan.... its a little tough ngl! for me and for nya! because this story has diverged so considerably. it cant have the same climax as canon. it just doesnt work. not even when theyre roleswapped

nya cant make a wish. she doesnt have anymore wishes. or hmm maybe she does have one left like jay does in this timeline but i dunno.... technically i could do that bc nya used up her wishes in only stupid ways so its not that hard of a change. 

it changes their game plan in the lighthouse just a bit but in this version nadakhan doesnt even show up so story wise its a nonfactor. they both couldve made a wish and stopped things. but they dont get the chance to do that.

but either way nya having a wish is an option, not something thats set in stone. also i think nya gets a hold of the venom. either jay had passed it to her when he pushed her into the portal or it stayed on his person and was confiscated and nya obtained it because clancee told her about it. which ever works. man is jay doing rough in this au. hes suffering so many consequences....i think as hes bound and helpless, hes gonna have a lot of thoughts... and a lot of regrets

he wishes he never kept secrets, he wishes he didnt make things worse.... i think he wishes nya doesnt come and rescue him. because if she does and she gets captured and nadakhan marries her for infinite wishes then itll all be his fault. again. because nya risked herself for him

so jay hopes nya doesnt come. he wants her to be safe even if it means hes forever captured. its better than the worst case scenario. 

but a tiny tiny tiny part of jay that is wishful does hope that he is rescued. because hes weak. he selfishly wants nya to save him

he shouldve learned by now that his desire for nya doesnt do him any good. but the part thats terrible and in love still wishes for better. he wants to be saved. he wants to be forgiven. he wants to fix things. he doesnt want to hurt anymore.

he thinks he can accept nya never loving him again. but he wants to stop aching in his chest. but he cant let go of his love. at this point its a part of who he is. so even though hes resigned to suffer and part of him foolishly hopes. he wishes

but jay doesnt get it. nya HAS forgiven him. she wishes she has never hurt jay like she did and if she could she would take it back. shes determined to fix things one way or any other. she has to save him or shes the worst. jay never deserved *all* of this.

once she saves him shes going to fix them. somehow.

and somehow they do. with a wish i cannot fucking figure out so SPARE ME. but i think... they dont go back in time. things arent undone and theres damage everywhere. so much repairs to be done. and theres a start to everything

i think i forgot to mention but at the end of unrequited good end, which honestly i think friendship end is a more fitting name, jay and nya hug at the end of skybound when time rolls back. no kiss. i think the same happens at the end of requited end too. time doesnt roll back but they have moment... hug.. but still no kiss. not yet. nya hasnt realized her feelings are changing. actually she might it takes a bit for them to develop. jay and nya start having a very honest relationship with each other tho

nya doesnt want to ignore jays hanahaki and jay comes to a similar conclusion as friendship/unrequited end. he realizes nya still cares for him A Lot as a friend, she cared so much she risked everything to walk into nadakhans trap guns blazin. and he doesnt want to jeopardize their friendship by distancing himself.

he wants things to be normal between them despite his hanahaki. and the funny thing is that... in this end, jays hanahaki gets somewhat more manageable too.... but its for a different reason in this au. lol. lol. because his feelings are becoming requited.

his hanahaki isnt suddenly gone one day because nyas feelings are so ambiguous tho. and when she does finally realize that shes fallen for jay. she actually goes into a bit of denial. for a mix of reasons. 

its not because nya doesnt want to cure jay of his hanahaki. she just didnt think thats a thing that can happen. falling in love again. she was also so very sure that she didnt have feelings for jay anymore before so its also a pride thing she has going on. subconsciously, she doesnt want to take things back because shes stubborn.

and its also one part nya feeling like shes doing jay a little bit dirty somehow (her brain making her overthink in a twisted way) and that she wouldve been toying with jays feelings if she returns them now. after all this time has passed.

is she that fickle? (its not her being fickle) and nya cant quite place why she has feelings for jay again. nya feels like jay probably deserves someone better than her, someone who hasnt hurt him so bad.

nya has trouble understanding herself so she thinks shes being flaky and worries her feelings are flaky also and she doesnt want to hurt jay again with such uncertain feelings. i am making nya feel so fucking complicated and conflicted. FEELINGS ARE OFTEN AS SUCH!!!

but despite nya's internal turmoil, her feelings for jay are very genuine. she might think they are arbitrary but thats not quite the case. well her love is arbitrary as any other love is. but anyways. she fell again because jay did win her over, not even when he was trying to.

his sincere love... his dedication. when nya saw it in a different light it was attractive to her. she appreciates that jay loves her the way he does now. also before (the breakup) her love for jay was a bit shallow. it was just that casual. but now what she feels for jay is more genuine. and more equal. eventually she sorts it out. there might be some of romantic drama to get her to get there though. a bit more accidental hurt.

i had the tangential thought that jay might tell nya that his hanahaki is getting better causing her to go "on no". jays finally letting go of his feelings over for her and nya doesnt want to mess that up. hes finally recovering when she catching feelings again?

of course this would happen to her. shes glad but shes wistful she missed her chance at having a boyfriend who truly cares about her like jay does.... serves her right. .... nya is an idiot lol... jays is getting better bc of her skdjhtrglksdj. anyways

eventually... they talk. and sort it all out. all the hurt and feelings and love. nya opens up and confesses and jay cries about it lol. because this is all he had ever wanted ever since he fell in love with nya. the elation he feels is unparalleled. and tightness in his chest finally vanishes all together and he feels better than he has in ages. of course he says yes. he tells nya things to erase her doubts. and it took a lot of trouble to get here but theyre here now. together again for reals. and neither of them can believe it. 

they hold hands. and they finally kiss

-

I THINK. THATS THE END OF REQUITED END. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT MY THOUGHTS FOR THIS END WERE INITIALLY MUCH SHORTER, SHORTER THAN, UNREQUITED/FRIENDSHIP END? ON GOD. WHAT HAPPENED. ITS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE REQUITED END REALLY NEEDED FULLY BEAT OUT DEVELOPMENT. OR ELSE I COULDNT BE SATISFIED WITH IT. IM A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BY WHAT I CAME UP WITH FEELS KINDA SAPPY BUT I CANT TELL IF IT IS. IM ARO. THIS ISNT MY HOME TURF. BUT I WANTED REQUITED END TO BE ACTUALLY VIABLE WITHOUT FEELING FORCED.... I WANTED TO BE AS SATISFIED WITH THIS AS I AM FOR UNREQUITED END. AND ENDED UP NEEDING TO PUT IN 100 TIMES THE WORK SDJKTUFHIGTLSDKJ. I THINK I ACCOMPLISHED WHAT I WANTED THO...... I THINK ITS OKAY..........

okay. im finally picking flowers. ive been thinking about it a bit while i wrote this whole thing. it wasnt a priority. but i do wanna pick some flowers that fit this story....

had the thought that depending on the end of this au (... i have aus within my au huh....) jay actually has different flowers. different meanings and symbolism.

i want jays primary flower to be an anemone for the record. “forsaken love”. nods. thats pretty representative of jays love for like. 3 seasons. also.... shares a name with the ocean animal. water... small connection with nya... not directly representative of her but it does a little. anemone has a few other meanings as well and i think those can fit too depending on the end. but the primary meaning im using is forsaken love (apparently its specifically the red and pink ones that mean this. please do note all these flower language resources are pretty inconsistent from each other)

tragic death end- anemone (specifically red- also means death), red poppy (remembrance in death), red spider lily (am i going too ham with the death flowers? yes. would jay see this as an ill omen? definitely. however. symbolism. also this bouquet is just So red. with blood lol)

tragic lost love (surgery) end- anemone, yellow chrysanthemums (broken/slighted love), black dahlia (betrayal), narcissus (unrequited love, selfishness), rue (regret), i would add forget me nots if i didnt think it doesnt fit with the colors

friendship/unrequited end- anemone, yellow rose (bros the meaning of the yellow rose is so fucking loaded LMAO. friendship, infidelity (nya), undying love? the wiki sure lists a lot), dandelion (overcoming hardship, growth, hope, and healing, friendship)

requited end- anemone, sea lavender (remembrance/memory, sympathy, i love you), sea holly (independence (nya) and attraction (jay)). okay so i dunno if a bouquet of these would look good together per se but.... ocean theme.... and also i wanted the flowers to rep both jay and nya in meanings.... since this is the end in which theyre together after all....

flower language is fucking hard. but i cant NOT put sincere thought into it. its fucking hanahaki i feel like i Gotta. btw these arent 100% set in stone i might change my mind about them? but i do really like anemone tho.... and tangential thought hgtjbnfjkghl sea holly would be fucking AWFUL for jay to cough up. esp when he starts spitting full flowers. those look like they hurt. just like what its like to love nya (lol). flower that would definitely make him cough blood

anyways..... if you made it to the end of this..... thank you.... this post is literally over 7600 words. thats like a long one shot. this is more like a fic outline tho. anyways anyways.... madness legit descended upon me while i wrote this all. i hope you enjoyed. i did this for my self satisfaction but if other people enjoyed this also i kinda wanna know

holds up a glass. cheers to jays suffering and heartbreak

(og thread here)

[vyl3tpwny]

volume sliders

my need for a tumblr volume slider feels like an edge case, because of the two facts of a.) i make music and usually require my monitoring to be at a certain level, and b.) i am forgetful and if that monitoring level gets changed i will often forget to change it back and then have a biased perspective of whatever im working on; — I never change any of the volume knobs on my system's end. i always rely on volume sliders for media like on youtube and twitter, especially because i tend to share my screen+audio frequently in calls & streams, so my monitoring levels wont even be parallel to what everyone else hears. i do have soundsource as a monitoring aggregate (this allows me to calibrate my headphones passively), but i dont really touch those either. occasionally i'll use it to double or triple my browser's volume so i dont have to change anything else, but i usually end up not remembering to change that a lot of the time. at the least, my browser's audio does not have to be super accurate for me to be doing my work.

at the same time though, playback controls for media seem to be really really poorly done a lot of the time. i obsess over these things and the smallest inconvenience usually pisses me off so much. recently ive been falling exhausted and upset by the issues that twitter has with its media playback. the timeline playhead is obviously very janky and rounds off to weird points. watching content longer than 20 seconds becomes a pain to scroll through if you want to. but the most damning thing is the volume slider.

i've shown this video several times on my own twitter, but this shit is unacceptably bad. this will happen to me so frequently and it will piss me off so much. lack of controls and optimization in any case just upset me, and i mean that genuinely. it's not slight annoyance, it's not light frustration; it pisses me off. my eyesight is relatively okay. my hearing is relatively okay. but if this stuff can hurt my brain this much, i can only imagine what kind of disappointment this yields in people with other accessibility needs. i shouldnt have to install some sort of app or plugin to make something work the way it's supposed to.

that said with tumblr. it really is awful theres not even the option for a volume slider. it would not be even remotely difficult to implement. but i suppose the issues are dispersed and decentralized.

now, i have a lot of problems with soundcloud's ui/ux, maybe i'll break that down sometime. but what i can appreciate is their volume slider. it really only shows up when you definitely actually want it there. it hides when you probably aren't actually tweaking it anymore. and you dont have to be super precise in order to change volume for stuff. you can see that you can kind of click anywhere nearby or slide anywhere nearby and it'll just understand what you're wanting to actually do. the fact that its so compact but also does not require precision is what makes it actually intuitive to use. another thing is the fact that it allows you to move your mouse horizontally, with great distance, means that it feels less cramped too. when dynamic controls like this force you into a narrow operating range, it feels kind of upsetting to use and a lot of people just end up opting to not use it.

ui/ux that makes you feel cramped is the worst shit ever. whats funny about this is that soundcloud's design actually feels cramped otherwise,,, but the idea is that their volume slider is at least intuitive and goes against the grain of the rest of that stuff.

anyway. i cannot adjust the volume controls from my system. it's too important for me to keep things the way they are at all times for my type of work, especially when im so forgetful. but i feel like there are lots of other people with particular use cases where a volume slider with general media is important to them too. and i feel like im not the only person that feels like they shouldnt be installing proprietary software in order to make something work the way it probably should. you know?

thanks