#im ashamed of myself . to some extent

[spookythesillyfella]

they should probably have a tea party together methinks

[click the images for better quality i beg of thee]

[fairycosmos]

hey sorry if this is invasive but how do you know you have depression? things have been harder to cope with for the past month but i am incredibly ashamed of asking for help or even saying out loud because i feel dramatic, attention seeking etc. even realising how much it is affecting my life. do i really need to get it out to get better?

ive had it since i was a kid and my doctor has been aware of it since i was like 11 so it was just smth i grew up with - when im in a particularly bad episode i can tell because im extremely lethargic, unmotivated, don't look after myself, am prone to severe hopelessness and a sense of impending doom following me everywhere + self destruction, i drink more, i get paranoid, i dissociate and feel disconnected from the world around me and from my own body, im numb/sad most of the time, i have panic attacks and cant get out of bed even for things i would usually want to do, im very disorganised and have a flat affect/tone of voice, i don't interact with people much....honestly the list goes on LOL.

it's important to understand that depression manifests uniquely for everybody and if youve noticed a difference in your own behaviour/thinking patterns that is actively and consistently impacting your life negatively - then that is enough of an indicator that something is going on. it doesn't need to be any worse. if it's already difficult, then it's already difficult, and you deserve support with it. to some extent it's some normal to feel ashamed/afraid of reaching out - we're raised in a world that stigmatises mental illness and we've received that messaging for a long time. which makes it feel like the truth, but doesn't mean that it is actually true. i think the bottom line is that you need to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. you wouldn't want them to cut themselves off from asking for help because they've bullied themselves into silence over what people might or might not think of them. if we want to live in a world that truly supports people with mental health issues in an effective way, then we need to hold ourselves to that same standard. i know it's incredibly overwhelming, and im not saying it's wrong to be anxious or scared about reaching out. i just think actively trying to frame it from a more objective mindset could help you accept what is happening and what the right next step is for you. if you have the opportunity to talk to someone - a hotline, your doctor, a local support group or therapist, even a friend/family member to begin with - i really encourage it. even write down what you want to say or bullet point what's been going on so you don't feel like you're being put on the spot. im sure you're imagining all sorts of reactions, but in my experience, professionals are very accepting of what you're going through and just want to work with you to see how you can process and cope with your current mindset more healthily. whether it's medication, talking therapies, showing you new coping skills - there's a lot that can be done for someone in your shoes. you're not stuck and they're not going to judge you. even if, in some alternate reality, you just wanted some attention - that's not a crime. i think it's natural to want someone to witness and acknowledge us when we're hurting anyway. sorry to ramble - there are a lot of depression self help and coping pdfs that are free and available to download online which offer a bit of support. maybe that could be a good stepping stone if you're feeling super uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone. we all work on our own timeline and thats honestly ok. but if you're looking for truly personalised and effective help then i think working towards talking to someone is your best option. it's okay to not be happy about that and still do it, like swallowing a medicine that tastes gross. otherwise the thoughts just rot inside you and you get lost in a spiral of depressive thinking patterns and it weighs you down having to manage it all alone inside your head. you become at risk of losing all objectivity and sense of self, which happens to me often and is fucking horrible. if it's possible, i really hope you eventually bring this up to a loved one or a professional. im really sorry you're going through this and i truly hope better days are ahead. sending a lot of love. X

[imanes]

this is so embarrassing because im in my late 20s but how do you get into reading and enjoy it. I am struggling so much and im ashamed that i havent even read one full book in ears bc my ADHD has gotten so bad

it's not embarrassing at all! it's something a lot of people struggle with. right now I'm in a big slump myself reading doesn't bring me any joy and i can barely keep my attention on the pages so i really feel you. personally when i get like this, and when i got back into reading consistently a few years ago, i set aside half an hour a day for about two weeks to read and i'd put a timer on my phone so that i'd respect the allotted timeframe. to some extent you do have to force yourself even for 10 minutes to do this one thing and then move on. if you're reading a good, engrossing book, those few minutes will pass by really quickly and you'll probably continue regardless of the timer. that's why it's important to pick a book that is going to keep your attention. idk what you like reading but for a year i kept picking up popular general / literary fiction and that amounted to me reading three books in a whole year lmao so those are not my "genres" of preference. don't think about what you think you should be reading and pick something up that you want to read because it sounds fun and interesting. lastly if it's a possibility try to pick up an audiobook and read while listening. if i listen only i don't get half of the information but if i read the words on the pages while someone is also reading them into my ears i feel so much more focused and able to read for longer and more consistently! personally i use libby and everand (formerly scribd). hope this helps a little bit :)

[pineappleparfaitie]

Aight ill bite CW// talks about Israel and Palestine, talks about the genocide, talks about a certain person (if youre reading this please read fully even if you think im spouting bulshit) Ect...ect...

UPDATED on may 31st This post was in refrence to things S claimed/said in their posts and then later deleted said posts. This post made points /claims that i told them they should be ashamed of their jewish herritage, that the thing in palestine isnt a genocide, me saying this isnt about religion ,saying zionists are all evil/bad and that they are colonizers I alaborated on every point below trying to give some counter arguments and points. I poorly worded myself in 1 section (the religion section) . The point i was trying to make was that if the foundation of zionism is built on the idea a jewish state/isreal in this case needs to be there bcecause of things in jewish faith or myth- then by that logic shouldnt palestine only be there because in Islam its where Muhammed a.s was sent to by Gabriel before he went to heaven? The point was flawwed and S had a point that this had to do with religion but for the wrong reason.The motive for zionism is religion bassed and holds no weight because THEN we should take EVERY faiths interpretation of an area and then say ''well in my holy book it says THIS was HERE so therefor it HAS to be there !'' Im sorry onto the OG post.

Show me proof that I ever told you to be ashamed of your Jewish herritage cause I want threw our dm's and didint find that I will apologise for that because that would be awful

Here is the definiton of Zionism Zionists are actively encouriging the idea of a greater Isreali and the genocide of the Palestinian people. I greatly reccomend you listen to this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xottY-7m3k&t=1179s&ab_channel=Shaun if you have the time. The Palestinian peoples land has been destroyed.Their chidlren killed. Their hosptials gone. I know what a zionist is- and their belief is what I take issue with, a belief you hold that being - letting the state of Isreali exist. I do not want a single Isreali dead apart from those who have killed children and enjoyed it, gone to destroyed homes and taken pictures with underwear and bras, and the leaders of the Israeli goverment. Isrealies didint choose the land they were born in, and those who even revoke their citizenship are doing a spectacular job. You say where will the Israeli people go IF their home is given back to the Palestinians- but not where Palestinians will go when Israel has murdered them. But Zionists in my eyes are BAD people cause they IGNORE what the existance of Israel will do - since look at what its doing.Is ''self defence'' killing 30 THAUSAND people and killing babies?Dididnt know babies carried guns..

This is exactly what Palestnine is going threw. now when this doesnt have to do with religion i meant this and I should have clarrified this that is my fault I mean that this whole thing has lost the point, religion is being USED TO JUSTIFY this genocide on the side of Isreal. That Jerusalem was the home to Israel in Jewish tradition. What about in Islam where Jerusalem where Mohammed went there when instructed by the angel Gabriel? Fyi im a muslim. Muslim herritage muslim everything. By archeological findings its said that around 4000BC its believed thats when the earliest ancestor of Palestine lived in whats now Palestine and Israel. When i say ''this isnt about religion'' i mean it stopped being about it long ago. It stopped being about a homeland of sorts and it became murdering people. But I will admit fault as much as I try to explain it- this does have to do with religion. You were right in the notion that religion caused this to an extent. ''Theyre all colonozers'' Okay this one rings less true on my part. I should have probably used ''settlers'' or something else. You were correct I used wrong terminology.Im sorry I should not have done that and it was my fault for using that term without properly going into depth on its meaning. But how am I a neo nazi? that means i want to reinstate the Nazi ideology?I want jews dead?I want queer people dead?I want people of color dead?I believe in a greater Germany? I hate the state of Israel, not jewish people. Israel has hurt RABBIS !They not only DONT CARE ABOUT PALESTINIANS BUT JEWISH PEOPLE!And their own! They have let their own people be hurt to paint a narrative. And I dont say ''Hamas bad'' CAUSE ITS COMMON KNOWLADGE!NO SHIT KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE WAS BAD!THAT FUCKING SUCKS!FUCK THEM TOO !But you want HAMAS to be destroye but not ISRAEL?Thats a bother to me too. I didint cut ties with you cause I thought you were a zionist, not cause youre jewish, not cause I think you have ill intent or less of a human being. But because I couldnt handle talking to you, due to personal expiriences and just not being able to take it. You have the right to feel hurt because of what I did. But what prompted you to calling me something as fowl as a neo nazi? Im sorry. If youre reading this Im sorry that I hurt you, Im sorry for my actions. Im sorry for it. But calling me anything else would have hurt less.

[todayisyourturntolose]

speedran tf outta this sooo here's the enby p1 fic

erm tw for maybe some in depth talk of body dysmorphia. rlly half of this is just my own thoughts abt myself just given to p1

also this isn't rlly proofread bcuz its 2 am rn and im tired af so if you seen any spelling errors. no u don't

also @strawbrygashez haaaai methinks you should read this

[platonic p1/p4 fic abt p1 coming out as nb bcuz im nb and i make the rules. sorrrry]

P1 couldn't stand to look at himself in the mirror. Especially when unclothed.

He couldn't stand seeing his thin figure, or the countless scars that littered his body. It seemed like no part of him was safe from some sort of cut or bruise.

What he hated the most, however, were the two flesh mounds on his chest. And even though they weren't large or easy to see from afar when he didn't wear a binder, just the mere thought of them was enough to make him almost gag.

All of this dysphoria didn't go well with his ongoing gender issues, either.

Did he feel like a woman? Hell no. ..Well, maybe sometimes? Being a bit feminine was nice, but he didn't do it very often. Did he feel like a man? ...Maybe? It was what he chose to identify as for almost his entire life, but now he was really doubting if he still felt like one.

At the same time, though, he didn't feel like he was either gender. He felt almost as if he was simply a body, one with no gender given to it.

This internal struggle ate away at him for what seemed like forever, and was made even worse by his already horrible mental health.

Despite all of this, he was finally able to come to a conclusion on how he felt.

He was neither. Not a man, not a woman, and, honestly, nothing in between. In his own eyes, he was simply just a person, someone who didn't feel like they were a specific gender.

Now, with all of that finally figured out.., how would he tell everyone else? On one hand, most of the Dudes were all very supportive of one another, and those who weren't entirely supportive still understood to an extent.

On the other hand, the idea of the others not understanding and even making fun of him for his identity still lingered in the back of his mind. There was a very slim possibility of it happening, but he still feared that it could occur.

The thought had worried him so much that he had avoided speaking to any of the other Dudes for almost an entire week. He only ever saw them if he went downstairs, and even then, he would try to avoid making eye contact with any other Dude.

But before the week had ended, he realized that he couldn't keep his feelings to himself forever. (even if that's what he usually did)

After a bit of narrowing down his options, he decided that there was only one person he could tell without feeling entirely ashamed of himself.

It was P4.

He had a greater bond with P1 than any other Dude, and the two would frequently speak to each other in private quite frequently. Despite P4's age, he understood exactly how P1 felt, and had a solution to nearly all of P1's problems.

So, after giving it some thought, he mustered up the courage to ask P4 to talk privately. He passed the older man in the hall and tapped his shoulder, simply signing, "Can we talk?"

It took P4 a quick second to process the question, given his understanding of ASL was still a bit low, but he nodded and responded with "Sure, whenever you're ready to."

P1 signed "Now, please", and P4 nodded once again, following the other man to his room.

P1 locked the door behind them once they were both in his room. P4 sat down and put his back to the wall, while P1 chose to stand at the door.

"So, what're we here to talk about?" P4 said after a bit of silence.

Almost instantly, P1 could feel his chest tighten. His heart seemed to skip a beat once he realized that he was about to vomit his bottled up feelings to another person.

He began to wring his hands, looking at the ground.

"I'm not too sure how to phrase this, but..."

"I've been doing some.. thinking recently.. about myself and how I feel, and.."

He slowly raised his head up, looking at P4.

"If I tell you this, you won't freak out and get mad about it, right?"

P4 frowned. "Hey, I'd never get mad at you for anything. Whatever it is, I'm sure I can at least understand a little bit."

P1 sighed, a bit relieved at his response.

"..So, I've been thinking about who I am for a while now, specifically about my..gender..and.." He went silent, looking back down and beginning to pick at the skin on his face.

"Hey, if you don't want to continue talking, it's totally fine. We can stop right now if you're not comfortable."

P1 shook his head. "No..no, it's fine. I'm just..trying to figure out how I should say this.."

He took a deep breath, eyes still looking at the ground.

"I not..a man. I not a woman, either. I don't have a specific gender, I guess. Really, I'm just a person, if that makes sense. I don't like the way my body looks, and I don't like being perceived as a gender just because of it."

The room was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, which made P1 worry even more.

"It's alright if you don't accept me, I just thought I could get it off of my chest without being judged and-"

He stopped once he saw P4 stand up and walk over to him, thinking he was about to get walked out on.

Instead, P4 simply wrapped the other man in his arms, pulling him into a hug.

P1 tensed up, hands at his side. His mouth hung agape, and his eyes widened.

"I understand. I understand completely. I'm not going to hate you just because of how you feel. Hell, I never have hated you, and I never will. Whatever it is that you identify as, I'll support you, no matter what."

And here comes the waterworks.

P1 felt a tear drop, and didn't bother to stop it. He sobbed into the older man's shoulder,and his hands made their way there as well. P4 patted his back as P1 uttered several "thank you"s.

After a good minute or so, P1 moved his head away from P4's shoulder, wiping his face with his own sleeve.

"Fuck, I must look horrible right now." He finally said, giving the other man a slight smile.

P4 pulled away, ruffling P1's hair and smiling back at him. "Not at all."

They stood in silence for a few seconds, neither person not really knowing what to say.

"So, uh, what do I call you now? Is Dude still alright?" P4 said.

P1's smile widened slightly. "Yeah, Dude is still alright. But, I'd prefer if you used 'they' instead of 'he' when you talk about me, if that's ok."

"Got it. So, you want me to tell the others? I don't want this to just be between us, and have them talk about you incorrectly." P4 walked past P1, putting his hand on the door knob.

P1 walked over to him. "Yeah, I think now is a good time to. I'll just stay in here while you do it."

P4 turned the knob, but stopped when P1 suddenly pulled him in for another hug.

"Sorry, I'm just...glad that you support me.."

He pulled away, and P4 grinned. "No need to apologize! It's common decency, really."

"Let's just hope these assholes can understand.." P4 muttered as he opened the door and walked out.

P1 closed the door, sighing in relief.

Being understood felt nice.

[angelicyouth]

bro i just realized that most of my happinest comes from imagining myself in fictional scenarios with fictional characters because in the real world i dont really have anyone i feel i can truly trust, so really at this point one of my only sources of happiness is just being somewhat delusional thinking fictional people care about me when in reality i dont know if anyone will truly even care about me in that extent, i dont even think i could even love myself the way i want people to love me because i just see myself as a generally displeasing person to be around because im too much too bear or too confusing or too angry and people dont wanna put up with me and ive just been realizng that for the past months and it makes me wish i was someone else who could be better than whoever i am, i dont even know at this point who i really am and i wish i was better and funnier and not someone who is the embodiment of a dissapointment.i cant even bring myself to talk about my problems to people irl no matter how much id like to because im too scared to be a burden or just seem overexaggrerating so its eating me from the inside and i cant bring myself to be someone i want to be, all i do is just stay in my room all day because i dont have the energy to do anything anymore. thing that i used to like dont seem the same anymore and i just wanna be held by someone and to be told that its okay to not be okay but if someone actually did it would feel like just a big lie because i dont have that much of an excuse to not be okay so really im putting down other people's problems and looking for attention and i feel so guilty for even feeling this way but at the same time i dont wanna let go of these feelings because it feels like if i have them people will actually care about me and ill have someone by my side and if i dont feel sad then nobody would have any reason to pity me and nobody would really wanna hangout with me anymore and it feels so comflicting and it makes me wanna shut myself away from everyone and continue to pretend everything is okay even if nothing feels okay. i wish i was someone else, maybe then nothing like this would happen.

that one relatable moment where you have nobody 2 vent 2 so you vent as an anon 2 a random blog ran by the literal nicest person ever

-mango anon

mango bby :(

first of all—i’m proud of you for being honest with your feelings! i’m sure it took a lot of courage to come forward and to talk about this with someone else so please give yourself some self care in my place for taking that monumental step!

i know that it may not mean much if i say this because of how overused this line is but truly, don’t ever feel bad about what you’re feeling. always remember that the need for attention is normal and common to all humans. it’s not only limited to that but the need for comfort is also normal and common, the need for physical touch is normal, the need for validation, for acknowledgment, for a positive reaction to yourself, a need to express yourself, to talk about yourself, to voice your pain, to feel valued and important—it’s all normal and a part of just being a human being.

so please, don’t beat yourself up over having those. if you’re struggling with some of them particularly, it doesn’t mean you’re “needy”. anyone who doesn’t get those things would go to deprivation mode and end up craving them severely, eventually. those needs should be met at default and as your friend, i always want to ensure that i can readily provide those for you! so don’t feel ashamed for voicing those thoughts to me because i appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me as i genuinely want to help you. i know i may seem like a random blog run by someone you don’t know from the internet but that doesn’t mean my friendship for you is less valid. so please, if you ever need to talk to someone or just need me to listen then always remember that i’m here for you. because how else would i know what to help you with if it’s not said?

and i know that you feel delusional for seeking comfort from fictional characters but that’s simply not true. because personally, through my own writing, what these people say or do are essentially extensions of the authors who use them in their literature. so whenever craig and kenny talk to reader in youth, they’re not just baseless things that are said just cause for the plot. they’re actual words with real meaning and intent to whoever is reading their dialogue. so with that in mind, what they both have said is their words of affirmation and reassurance to you:

feelings aren’t illogical. they aren’t wrong nor are they here for no reason. they aren’t a failure of self control, they aren’t a burden, and they are not an inconvenience. emotions are generated from actual things that happened, they are normal reactions to things that actually happened!! if you feel sad, anxious, hurt, overwhelmed, mad, frustrated—even if it seems illogical, there’s a very good reason you feel this way. you aren’t supposed to control how you feel, you aren’t supposed to doubt your emotions. they are always just a reaction, they do not come from you!! they’re not your failure, feeling all this is normal and logical under unbearable circumstances of anything that’s happened.

i hope you will be kinder to yourself babe, you deserve it :< it makes me so, so upset when you can’t see how amazing you are in my eyes and i bet everyone else’s just because of some mistakes you made along the way or any ill feelings you harbor for yourself. i really wish you didn’t beat yourself up so much over them, those mistakes or whatever negative things that have happened don’t define you.

and remember: you’re not stuck the way you are now. every day you have the potential to grow and to learn, and you do grow and learn, all the time! it may not feel like it because it’s so subtle, but you do. the universe won’t let you get stuck, there is so much more to discover and i’ll always be here with you along the way! it’s inevitable to make mistakes, it’s human nature and wouldn’t make sense to be perfect on the get-go. no one is like that. just remember, progress can’t be compared. progress is still progress and slow + steady will still win the race! as long as you’re not changing yourself to cater to someone else’s needs or society’s standards then i will always support your desire to strive for the best version of yourself!!♡

[munamania]

7, 11, 19

hi lmao this is literal months late but i need to complain at work rn sooooo bad so hiiii <3

7 (a character i began to hate not bc of canon but because of fandom) obviously steve. oh my god i mean canon became insufferable too largely bc the duffers dont have a backbone and seemingly caved to insane fanservice but jesus christ. oh my god. i dont care! shrek voice he's not even a main character! and somehow a good 90% of his fans are just plain old misogynists wonder why that is (some sort of jealousy weird inferiority complex and the whole mom babysitter thing and well idk im just spitballing). basically im sick. i dont even go there anymore but it still brings up such a stupid angry reaction in me like shuuuuuut the fuck up oh my god other characters exist he is not the most interesting part of this show or at least not when it was kind of okay in fact he serves his purpose so incredibly well as a side character. i dont think any other characters compare to this level but like honestly i have to take a few seconds to breathe whenever people talk about men as babygirls or whatever just because of all that.

11 (number of fandom related words ive filtered) 29. not too bad. there are some i can probably get rid of cause i dont follow people that post abt them anymore and well some of them. no matter the extent of tagging i will never escape. so

19 (i'm mad/ashamed/horrified i actually kind of like..) idk ive mostly purged myself of the idea of guilty pleasures or anything. like i guess that i didnt mind watching the pirate show just bc of its associations even tho it's not my favorite thing or anything it was just like whatever. there were some hot lesbians there and some silly moments hello ensemble characters. i still think people hyped it up to me a little too much (not u lydia) ummm. i simply shant name some of the old redacted fandoms i was there for. somewhat participated in. certainly was a freak about. one in particular that just has to stay deep down and if i ever go back will probably have to redact if i post at all about but um. yeah other than that

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, hope all is well, please call me ruby. i apologize in advance if this ask is a little hard to follow because honestly all these thoughts are a byproduct of a multitude of my anxieties. i'm really sorry for the long post. tw's; csa, cocsa, downplaying possible trauma?, hypersexuality, body image issues, low self esteem, overthinking, some anxiety about the future. i'm looking for advice and reassurance.

i'll start off by the fact that for as much as i can remember, my elder cousin starting sa'ing me from a very young age. i remember him teaching me this seemingly weird form of masturbation and as a kid, i wasn't sure what to think of it. when i was around 12-15, it escalated a bit more. touching me where he wasn't supposed to, etc. i remember waking up to him touching me. i knew that it felt wrong, but i didn't know what to think of it. i felt so confused.

he almost raped me once. at this point, i knew that i did not like what was happening, but i still feel today that some part of me feels i liked it. what other explanation could i come up with for letting him do it to me for years? from then on, i vaguely remember resisting all advances. i dreaded going to his house, dreaded him coming home, dreaded when my parents would ask me to run errands with him. i would push him away every time he tried to pull me by the hand to touch me on the stairs.

but he's my first cousin. i'm a single child. both my parents and my grandmother are very fond of him, & he's pretty much the pride of my family. nobody knows about this. i don't know if i'll ever be able to tell anyone about it. there is no evidence. all i had was an explicit text message which he deleted. the catch here is that when we'd gone on a trip together, he'd also sa'd his younger sister. i don't know if he's gone beyond that in the past few years, her and i don't talk about it nor bring it up. i'm assuming my aunt & uncle don't know about it. i often think about asking her about it, the possibility of exposing him, but it's so scary. i often overthink enough to picture a scenario where instead of helping me, the sister turns on me & all of a sudden i'll ruin my family.

i honestly think that im not traumatized at all. i probably enjoyed it, led him on until i didn't, and i'm completely fine. but i have doubts about this. i have trouble sleeping, and i'm very fucking ashamed of the fact that i'm hypersexual with myself, but in public i portray myself as someone with a sex repulsion, which although i do have to an extent, feels contradictory to me and i hate it. i'm obese & have 2 autoimmune diseases, i already hate how my body looks and my cousin has only made it worse.

my grandma's almost 78. i think, that maybe, for whatever time i have left with her, it's better that she doesn't know what her grandson did. the thought of having my family know what my cousin did & having to live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives, is something that i have mixed feelings about. i hear of so many stories where people are falsely accused of SA w/o any proof and their lives get ruined. i feel that if i ever came out about the SA, it would be a similar situation where i'd have no proof and then god knows how things would be. for all i know i'd be labelled as someone who destroyed someone's life and reputation, but in hindsight that happens with a lot of victims. i'd burden my parents & ruin their great relationship w him. i'm supposed to treasure my cousins, being a single child. but i can't. now, him and i act like it never happened. from an outsider's perspective, we get along very well. but deep down i can't care about him. even when we got the news that he was once hospitalized, i found myself thinking 'good. i hope something worse happens' & i don't know how to feel about it. i was a lonely child, and i'm only coming to realize that my parents did not have a healthy relationship like i thought they did, and there were periods where my they couldn't be the best parents to me. so i always longed for a sibling. all my cousins and friends had siblings. i'd always asked my mom for one. now i realize why i never had one, going back to my parents' relationship plus the fact that i was born premature and i'm lucky to be here today. my mom had health problems and was told that all babies she had would turn out like me and probably not survive. additionally, she didn't have the best relationship with her own brother, and didn't want me to go through the same. yet, she's told me that when she looks at all my other cousins, she'd wished she'd have given me the experience of a sibling too.

today i'm 19, i'm grateful for being a single child, and given so many opportunities that a sibling would not get. but one of my worst fears is that when my parents are gone, i'll only have myself, whereas siblings w healthy relationships ( which includes almost all my friends ) will have each other. i don't even share great relations with my own cousins, not sure if i can. my friends don't seem to understand this fear. i'm scared for the future, and so many other things. if my sheltered self will be able to survive without the coddling of my parents. if someday the truth about my cousin randomly comes out and it shatters me. im doing fine living with the experience, but i don't know how it'll affect me in the future. this just increases me thinking that i'm fine and not a 'real victim'.

again, i apologize for the long post, i tried my best to express how i felt. thank you so much for this safe space.

Hi ruby,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please remember that you were a child so you couldn't have consented even if you say you somewhat enjoyed it. It's common for children to not fully grasp the gravity of the situation due to their cognitive development and therefore may enjoy it, however that's not an excuse for the abuse and it's something that abusers take advantage of. It's natural for things to feel good even if you do not consent to it, but your pleasure doesn't override your lack of consent.

Please know that it's up to you whether or not you tell your family what happened, and it's not your fault if it causes division in the family. Even if people don't believe you, you know what happened was true at the end of the day, so it's way different from making false accusations and tarnishing reputations - your cousin tarnished his own reputation by doing what he did to you and his sister.

If you can access or afford it, I strongly encourage you to speak to a mental health professional such as a therapist who can help you process these experiences and develop some healthy coping skills that you can take with you along your healing journey. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Hello darkness my old friend

It's been awhile. Ive been in a funk. Denial. Whatever you want to call it. Ive done some things I'm not quite proud of. Nothing I should be ashamed of, im single, technically. I just wish my heart felt that way. I wish my heart could look into someones eyes and dig my fingers in their back and not see his face. Not cry out for him. Not wish he was the one on top of me. It makes me cringe. Makes me feel dirty. Makes me feel cheap. Breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart. Why, I'll never understand. He doesn't want me. Hes told me multiple times. He's shown me. Plenty of times.

I have to see him in 2 days. Two fucking days. Ive waited on this for an entire year. This moment. This exact moment. Ive waited and I've cried and ive begged time to fly by. For it to feel like this. For it to be this wrong. For it to feel this different. For it to look this different.

Because it is wrong. At least for me. I don't know how I keep getting this so wrong. How I keep getting myself into these situations.

Since I last wrote, ive hung out with 2 different people. The first one was a guy I met when I got back from the beach. He looked a lot like P actually. Crazy similar. His body was different though, unfamiliar and stiff. The sex wasn't great but we took a shower after and well, that was something. He rubbed my body and I don't mean like just rubbed, he poured into me. I know that sounds crazy but I cant even describe the feeling. He was massaging every single inch of my body, even the forbidden rolls. I let him, even if I never saw him again, it felt good and I deserved it. This man sat on the shower floor and massaged me for an hour combined, because he did it twice. Yes, I mean 2 separate showers. It was incredible. He left (after driving 3 hours) and I haven't spoken to him since. I was a tad salty at first because I felt super used, but in all reality, he didn't get anything out of it, I did. The sex was honestly trash, and the dick was wayyyyyyy too big, so I just took him off of my socials. He wasn't the one but I think that was probably the best experience I could have had after 2 years of being with the same person.

The next one, im still currently seeing. We get along really well. The sex wasn't good at first but has gotten better. He pretty much comes over every day after work and we watch our show and I cook. We run errands and get coffee. That's nice. He even pays for my coffee. Which sounds dumb but is really nice. The connection is there to an extent. Hes just not ty. No one ever will be and I know that, but he's just not him and he doesn't come close. He's nice to have around but thats about it. I don't see anything else coming of it. Im Ty's girl. Even if im not his.

I can remember the first time we met like it was yesterday and I remember exactly how my heart felt. I remember when we kissed and I kinda took a breath and my heart went 'there you are, ive been waiting." I know that sounds crazy and god did I fight it. I fought it so hard because even though I felt like that, my heart Was still p's. I kept telling myself you don't go through what you went through, to Meet the one 4 months later. I believed that. I kept telling myself that. But I think I always knew. Ty was different and I didn't know to what extent until he left. I didn't let my feelings surface until he was thousands of miles away. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I still got fucked in the end.

Everything with him was instant. Easy. It's hard to explain, it was the easiest thing in the world. Like breathing. I was scared of it and still am. But now im more scared of the feeling of him being gone than I ever was of letting myself fall.

I just still don't understand any of this. Myra leaves this weekend and my heart is heavy. Its broken. I never imagined losing either one of them let alone both at the same time. It's dark and twisted and im not sure if im going to be okay. I know the world will keep spinning and time will keep going, im just not sure I will.

[brittapcrrys]

this post just making me think abt something for, like, the 10th time today....

this got so fucking long ahhh i am just. justifying all this to myself as im unpacking where the feeings are coming from jsdfkhs glad i have a psych session next week, guess i know what we're gonna talk abt!!

i was rly generally frustrated this afternoon and got a message to pop around for last minute planning for the help/work im doing for mum's friend for the next few weeks. and like yeah i know that it is generally within my range of abilities, i know that most times i help 'em out like this it's Fine and occasionally even Fun, i know that if im Not Well or anything else i can text and say look can't do it today sorry and that'll be accepted!!!

but. whenever i am asked to Do these things (dog sit / dog walk / plant-sit&garden, etc) for "neighbours" and friends there's like......... they KNOW im unemployed and they KNOW i've done it before so there's this feeling of an unspoken expectation that i WILL say yes, i will agree to do it when and as asked.

and ig to some extent it's reasonable for any of them to think 'she's been happy to do it before so there's good odds she'll probably, hopefully, do it again!' and they're never DEMANDING abt it or anything so maybe it is, at least coming from the 'employer' in each case, mostly just ~in my head~ n something i'm seeing/feeling/projecting that's not Actually in there

but idk when i HAVE had jobs in the past (waitress, cleaner, babysitter, tutor, library assistant) if i got ~called in~ the day before i uhhhh could say no. and would say no. and i didn't feel bad abt it i didn't care like i had a (casual, but pre-planned) roster and i've been fortunate enough that saying 'no, i can't' didn't lose me those scheduled shifts or the job as a whole, i know that. but bc this isn't an ~official~ job there's no structure it's just a 'get a text 1wk-to-12hrs before, help a neighbour, get twenty bucks' kinda deal each time it feels like i HAVE TO say yes. if i don't have some other thing already planned, i have to say Yeah Sure or im evil and horrible and the worst and should be ashamed

excepttttttttt i think. a lot of that. comes from my mum lmao always a fun connection to make. bc i made some exasperated comment mostly to myself during that frustrated moment this afternoon and she was like "well what do you mean? why can't you do it? why would you say no? did you WANT to say no? it's not like you have much else going on... it's not even hard why wuold---" etc etc and dad isn't quite so expressive, ever, but less and less so as the PD continues to wear away at him & his speech in more obvious ways, but has similar sentiments. and like.... just bc THEY can't/won't say no to stuff doesn't mean i shouldn't????? mum will say she needs a week to herself and then 10minutes later has agreed to be a TRT (substitute teacher) for 3.5days that week. dad just thinks 'you do a job until it's done. you get asked to do a job, you do that til it's done' and like let's not even THINK abt the way that has worn each of them down physically and emotionally at different times, including now. like they just view Work and the related Expectations/Obligations differently, i guess? whether that's a generational thing, a ND (me) vs NT thing, a 'farmer and air force electrician' and 'lifelong teacher' and 'we both moved out at 16/17 and supported ourselves from that point on / u can't get something from nothing' thing. i have forgotten where this was going jfc

anyway. the dog will be a lil moody if i don't visit her for a couple hours & go for a walk, but she'll be fine. the plants can be watered by someone else, or - esp in the current weather - just miss a day, they'll bounce back later. me doing these things when asked is not, like, the key to holding the fabric of the universe together. nobody's life is gonna come apart at the seams bc i said 'oh, sorry, i won't be able to d that today/this week'.

and i shouldn't actually have to explain why! maybe i have a migraine and can't stand up straight. maybe i'm having a gastrointestinal Hell Episode. maybe i threw up overnight and am still very distressed abt it. maybe i haven't slept in 48hrs. maybe it's windy and im teetering on the verge of a panic attack and rly cannot be outside in it. maybe it's PMDD time and i know i don't have the patience to interact with another being especially not in a way where im solely responsible for it. maybe im bleeding heavily and cramping to the extreme on and off without warning. maybe i haven't been able to get out of bed all week because i just dont want to exist. MAYBE i just! don't! wanna!

and idt it's fair that anyone says or acts in a way that suggests im doing something Very Wrong or Shameful or Disappointing (there's a difference between, 'oh, that's disappointing, but thanks for letting me know' disappointment & 'why would you do that? what are you thinking?' disappointment, which is the kind i mean). is it gonna be fine most times if i agree to it even when i don't rly want to? yes. it's always mostly fine-ish. it's nto abt avoiding it out of anxiety or whatever like im not nervous abt walking this mini daschund that adores me. im not nervous abt watering plants that are essentially the same as my own at home. it's just, like, weighing up 'would doing this likely improve my mood/day? will it probably just be a non-impact kinda deal? what are the odds it makes me / my day worse?' each time (knowing when my psych appts are, when my period is and general mood shifts during my cycle, how my sleep and mood have been in the day/s before the 'shift', weather, etc etc etc) and determining which is likely to be the most effective and useful (or neutral, sometimes) option for me in that case!

and if that reason is just 'ehhh i really just Dont Want It today/tomorrow' that is also fine, actually

[pikawrites]

okay i'm bored, it's a holiday so i'm going to do this one by one.

an extensive list! read while watching.

“idk just read it” or any of the sort: i agree. i don’t even put those in my notes.

“defiantly” instead of “definitely”: big pet peeve. if i see any mispellings that are consistent i exit.

masses of tags and character pairings: i agree, but only to a certain extent. some enjoy putting their specific fandom drabbles in one fic, while others prefer using the series function, it really depends? but yea usually if i just see a huge wall of tags i wouldn’t read it unless the kudos : hits ratio is 1:10.

slowburn: i can’t really say anything because i barely read slowburn? but i do agree that if it’s like. five thousand words before the conclusion that’s probably a bit too few words.

the emoji one: i have never seen this in my life. but sometimes when i read chatfics i get to a point where i don’t even recognise or remember certain character’s usernames and stuff like that, so i eventually leave.

using words and phrases that don’t go with the world: if it’s an au, i totally get it, because if your character is in a modern era they would probably talk in modern language and not like…shakespearean language. but if not, even when i’m writing i like to stick as close to canon as possible. same goes for worldbuilding and facts or information that are readily available to me, i.e. poképuff flavours

bad writing and spelling errors: sometimes if i’m lazy i would put the fic there first then go and edit later, and i’d state that i would edit it later. but i’d never say idc, at some point if i look at my fic and i see so many spelling and grammatical errors i myself would cringe too.

false complete fic: i hate this. i hate authors that do this. i would never do this, unless i suddenly change my mind one day. even so, i’d probably only change it once at put a question mark there if i’m unsure of how many chapters a fic i’m writing would have in the future. i don’t plan, i’m a spontaneous writer, then i edit and edit until it’s satisfactory to put onto ao3.

multifandom oneshots: i am ashamed to say i used to do this. never again. if you catch me doing this it’s not me.

misspelling character names: get out.

no capitalisation of names: if i’m writing my personal thoughts i won’t capitalise, but in the actual story itself i would capitalise.

no reader engagement: i don’t really agree with this one. everybody wants reader engagement, why would you click out just because the author is simply asking you to let them know your thoughts on this fic, like what can be improved, what worked and what didn’t, etc. can someone explain this one to me?

second person pov: lmao. read and choose your ending stories, probably. but, i don’t see why this couldn’t be used as an interactive story to engage your readers. unless it’s that, i agree with this statement.

first person pov: for some reason i can only tolerate first person pov in irl books. if im on ao3 and i find out it’s in first person i immediately press the back button.

wall of text: yeah. pet peeve. big one.

lack of text: also pet peeve. stop making me scroll i just want to read the goddamn story.

rpf: never read.

summaries that are exaggerated: i mean, it is supposed to be a summary after all, you’re supposed to shorten or summarise what happens instead of giving yet another wall of text for the reader to go through before they get to your main wall of text.

‘or [insert basic summary]’: i disagree. some of these authors are funny enough to do a punchline here, why wouldn’t they? (i’ve never seen anybody use it for overselling or undersummarising, so…but maybe it’s just me.)

author’s note summary: i like to say this first or give my personal thoughts before i summarise the story below. it’s like a nice anecdote, y’know?

the self deprecation thing: i’m guilty, i still do it sometimes. yes, some of us still do this because the insecurity in us sometimes takes over the passion to write and be confident in our writing. although we may not be confident, we may still want to put it up to see if the reception is good or not, although i do agree that putting those kinds of things in the tags is kind of…not good for the engagement of your fic. recently, i’ve also been trying to take more pride in my work and getting to say fewer words of self-deprecation. it takes time, and a lot of new authors struggle with this because they’re inexperienced or don’t know how to write and are just experimenting. some of these authors don’t know how to tag.

bragging word count: some authors are in the dark about exactly how long a chapter should be, and it really varies for everyone as well. some authors feel like they should be catering to the majority audience, they feel obliged to reach thaat word count because if not they would feel like their story is not worth the read. let me turn the question around and ask you something––if you were to see a chapter or a drabble with less than a thousand words, would you click on it? drabble authors do this quite often; collecting multiple drabbles that they’ve written and simply dumping all of them into one chapter. because they feel the need to cater to the masses, who undoubtedly, enjoy longer chapters that are over two thousand words. it’s not every day you see a kudos top fic with less than a thousand words. if the writing is good,we should celebrate it, right?

what if x happened instead of y: usually this would come after actual summaries, so i’m fine with it.

too many tags: listen here. being funny while tagging is not for the no-nonsense people, but instead for the silly goofies. it’s easy to spot what is expected in the fic vs. being funny, if you can’t stand people in tags being funny that’s like saying tumblr tags should only be used for proper tagging and not being silly goofy. which i know tumblr is famous for their tags being silly goofy. and i totally agree with the bottom statements, it shouldn’t be the whole tag list, maybe ¼ is fine.

mpreg thing: i have. never seen. mpreg fics like that. probably just me.

crossovers with 2198419057139573810 fandoms: listen. some of us have wild ahh imaginations. i personally wouldn’t read it, but i used to write a fic on wattpad that had like a bajillion fandoms. i’m telling you, we don’t do it to please you, we’re doing it to please us. this is our self-indulgence time, so leave us alone.

fancop: yup. agree.

anything that isn’t mine: opposite. for me at least.

friendly reminder: real and true. all of this is my opinion, not factual or anything. highly subjective stuff here.

[puppianqueen]

who made this stage

i just wanna talk ok

[aroaceconfessions]

cw: sex, mention of masturbation

im acespec and quite sex repulsed i think, like i fantasise about sex (to some extent) but anything irl makes me uncomfortable and sometimes grosses me out too. i also dont have a particularly high libido, sometimes im just "in the mood"? turned on? so when that happens i either do nothing (because i dont dim it particularly important) or take care of it myself. and i've never had any problems with that, i dont feel ashamed nor disgusted. the only thing i hate is the way you get so sweaty and physically hot/warm. i really dont like it. i cant imagine having intercourse and having to deal with mine and another person/other people's heat and sweat. seems just about disgusting and umcomfy. i also hate people touching me even outside of any sexual context, so i cant imagine how being in one would go. badly probably.

[mousemilf]

for an anon opinion I say keep your job and take a year off - there’s such a weird idea in society haven’t we have to FiNIsH SChOoL aS fAsT aS POsSiBlE but honestly the older you are when you go to school (to an extent maybe) the more you learn. When you’re young and so jaded with the after-effects of high school and everything it can be so helpful to just take a little break, make some money, (and if you’re making money doing something you love that’s RARE and you should hold on to that while you can) and then go back to school when you feel comfortable and financially stable etc. It’s soooo much money you might as well go at a time when you can get the most positive experience, rather than at a time where you’re financially struggling and regretting quitting something that made you happy

thank you <3 this is what im leaning towards. i just feel ashamed and like im letting everyone down bcs ive already taken two "gap years" since my bachelors and i keep telling everyone oh im going to grad school next year im applying to grad school... plus i would b making sm money after my masters that i almost feel like it would b worth 6 months of struggle if i could have that a year sooner. plus i really want to move asap i didnt want tulsa to be permanent i dont like it here... and im sick of moving around sm so knowing that the longer i put grad school off the longer ill have to b moving around to different states sucks. i dont know.

i feel like im well beyond the after-effects of high school imo but i am reeling from a year of financial ruin and a very chaotic end to a long-term relationship and an ed etc so i think i do need time to restabilize myself after all that i think you have a good point. honestly if i did try to just power through i might not be able to do it i might destroy my mental/physical health actually.

thank you for your input <3<3 i appreciate it

[the-queen-of-ships]

when you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) 💛

Oop super late-

First things, first. I love my hair, its long and thick and I just love when on a particularly windy day it just flies back. And I like how it frames my face and I love my bangs. Idk I just like it, blame Rapunzel.

Second, I've recently come to care and like my body. It helps that I exercise a bit, constantly moving around. It just feels nice when you feel like your feeling healthy.

Third, my impractical fashion sense. My fashion consists of monochrome colors or dark colors and no thats not bc of Whitney. That's just what I liked. There's some doft pink in there. Impractical bc I live in a hot place and most of what I like is turtle necks, long sleeves, jackets, and y'know how black absorbs more heat? Yeah. I've also wanted to start wearing skirts, stockings, and heeled shoes. Which is PEAK impractical but it makes me feel pretty so there.

Four, socialising has always been difficult for me. I didn't really fit in and it was hard for me to talk on and offline, idk why but for some reason online classes really helped me. I feel like Im one of the students who actually got to be in a friend group out of our entire class. It actually helped me be more comfortable around people, although I still have a tough time with it. Im happy Im improving!

Five, well Im happy Im figuring myself out. I was heavily embarrassed at being part of fandom culture as a young teen bc I often got teased by my brother and it basically has a bad rep for those outside and even inside it. I cared deeply about what other people thought. To some extent I still do but I've grown mostly past that and have embraced this side of me, sure I don't go around saying "hey I write fanfics!" but I'm definitely more comfortable and more happy instead of ashamed and indenial about it. There are other aspect Im figuring out.

Also rather than self deprecating humor, I try to be more positive. I thought it sounded stupid at first, but it's better than saying sad jokes about myself.

[irwinkitten]

got lucky | c.h

requested by anon: ok so for the bi!reader concept: last year i ended my relationship w this girl the main reason was because she was really insecure and jealous especially about me being bisexual like anytime i would talk to a guy she would just get so upset about it and she would make such gross biphobic comments and at the time i had so much internalised biphobia that i tried to convince myself i was gay n stayed in the relationship longer than i should have because i rly liked her i guess lol anyways (1/4) we ended and a while afterwards i started seeing this guy who i’d known of for ages (friends of friends type situation) but we just never really talked before or hung out but from the first date we clicked and the sex was crazy good like the type of sex were ur ditching ur vibrators cuz he’s that good lmao so one weekend we went to this party together and of course she is also there, i was so surprised and i could see her eyeing us the whole night, so when she came over i was anxious af (2/4) and this guy knew i was bi! it was no secret, i worked really hard to accept myself! so she comes over and she deadass goes “are you straight now? i knew you would end up with a man!” and she’s all smug but also hurt and im standing there like what the fuck and THEN this dumb man goes “ha guess the sex is so good i made her straight again” and i’m literally about to cry over how gross the whole interaction is and im so shocked i can’t even defend myself, i dumped him that night obviously (3/) last messgae: so basically can you pls do a redo of the gross situation where instead of being with that dumb guy its with calum and he is so protective n sweet n NORMAL n encourages u to stand up for urself about bisexuality / your sexuality, because what happened to me happens too often and its disgusting and gross and no one deserves that!! only if u feel comfortable/inspired tho, no pressure!! love u laura, thank u for creating such a safe space for all the queer babies it means a lot 💘 notes: i kinda enjoyed writing this one esp for my sweet anon baby. i love u and i hope this is everything you wanted ♥  warnings: biphobia, implications of emotional abuse

word count: 3.2k

donate to my ko-fi here

-

“Hey what’cha doing sweets?” Calum’s voice pulled you from your musings, your hand idly tracing patterns against the paper but the pen remaining on the desk. You wrenched your thoughts from the spiral you seemed to have fallen down, a smile crossing your lips as you felt your heart flutter at the sight of him.

“Nothin’. Just thinking.” You finally replied as he pulled up one of the spare chairs next to you, the bustling activity of the coffee shop falling into your background noise as his thigh pressed against yours.

“Really? Normally you doodle when you’re just thinking.” He countered with ease and your eyes dropped to the paper, noticing that the pen remained where you’d placed it when you first sat down. Subconsciously you must’ve realised that the route your thoughts had gone were not suitable to put down on paper, your fingers picking up the pen and mind falling blank immediately.

“Oh.” You breathed before placing the pen back down and packing away the pad and pen.

“What’s running through your head, doll?” Calum’s voice was quiet and concerned, you shrugged.

“Just, a lot on my mind is all. You’re not my keeper just because we’ve slept together.” You admitted quietly and he frowned before picking up his bag and for a sinking second you thought he was going to walk off, but instead, he took your bag from your hands and slung it over his shoulder. 

He looked back at you expectantly and you sighed before standing up, leaving the coffee shop with him, your eyes on the floor as you fell into step next to him.

“Your place or mine?”

“E’s gonna be home and I don’t want to hear them rant about me bringing people back.” You muttered and Calum nodded. 

“I think Ash is out. He’ll probably head out to Luke’s if I show up with you.” At his smirk, you rolled your eyes fondly before shoving him towards the bus stop. His indignant “hey!” was only ignored as you two waited for the bus, his arm slung over your shoulders.

Selfishly, you leaned into his touch, trying to ignore the fact that your stomach was doing flips at his touch alone. 

The bus journey was a quiet ten minutes, but Calum seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to talk with so many people around, so he was content to just keep you close, and you were unwilling to pull away until his stop came up.

When you reached his shared house with Ashton, you noted that the car was gone from the driveway and Calum smirked.

“Looks like he’s out. C’mon.” His hand tucked around yours and pulled you inside. And for a second you wondered if you could distract him with sex, but then the guilt appeared and you could feel the tears of frustration appear as your thoughts swirled and you felt dizzy.

Calum had stepped ahead, turning to see you stood leaning against the closed door, head in your hands and he knew something was wrong. Stepping back to you, he dropped your bags and took your hand in his, pulling you upstairs to his room and your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Cal I-”

“I’m not suggesting that.” He muttered. You fell silent at that and as he pulled you into his room, you felt unsure, but he gave you no chance to really deny him as he crawled into bed before opening his arms out to you.

“Cal.”

“I know you. You don’t do emotional stuff well but I’m here for a cuddle and an ear if you need it.” You fell into the embrace easily, your head resting on his chest as his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his lips finding your temple as you finally felt something in you snap, the surge of emotions overwhelming and frighteningly vivid. 

“I keep telling myself that I never was a lesbian, that I still found men attractive but Poppy made me feel like having that attraction was stupid since I was dating her and that I was a lesbian and it’s so fucking confusing because I like you, but I can hear her voice screeching that I’m not right, that I’m a lesbian or faking it or a freak.” And for the first time since you left Poppy, you cried.

Calum had been waiting for this. When the split had happened, you’d been ready for it, you’d already left her mentally, but this was what he knew you needed. He knew that the relationship with her had been toxic, but you’d never revealed the extent of her behaviour. 

His heart broke.

“Just because you like both men and women does not mean you should feel so guilty over your sexuality. There’s a B in LGBT for a reason, doll. That’s you. You’re bisexual and you should be proud of that, not ashamed because some bitch with a control issue couldn’t handle the fact that you liked more than women.” 

You found yourself gripping his shirt with your fists as you pressed your face into his chest, trying to stem the tears that seemed relentless. But Calum held his silence whilst you got it out of your system, knowing that you needed to get this off your chest. 

“I’m sorry.” You finally got out, but he simply shushed you. 

“She was a shitty person with an attitude to show. You shouldn’t apologise for the bitch.” His words were simple but it gave you a breath of ease, pulling away as hands rubbed your shoulders gently. 

He was definitely too good to you, but he was there for you regardless and you were certain that you loved him for that.

“There’s gonna be a party on the other side of town in a couple of weeks. Ash took over the old Firefly down on Hartley. He’s revamping before opening the bar to the public. You fancy going?” And you smiled at the gentle distraction he was offering. 

“We get at least a free drink if we show up, right?” And Calum laughed as he kissed your temple. 

“He wouldn’t say no to me. Or you. In fact, I’m almost certain he’s expecting me to do full introductions on that night since Luke and Mike will be there with the others and their girls.” You rolled your eyes. 

“It’s not like I went to school with Luke or anything.” Came your sarcastic retort and Calum laughed as the two of you settled for the evening. 

“Pretty sure Luke last saw you when you started dating Poppy. He’s put two and two together but he won’t say anything unless you mention it. Even then he knows it’s not his place.” Your heart seemed to swell another size in affection for Luke. 

“You’re making it difficult for me to not fall in love with you Cal. Good dick, you know how to use those lips and fingers of yours, you make me feel like I belong and you respect boundaries without me having to ask.” You finally muttered and Calum gave you an almost wistful smile. 

“You may have been with Poppy but that didn’t stop me from being friends with you. You’re someone I’ve genuinely cared about from day one. Not gonna chuck that away because of who you are. Plus growing up with my mom and sister almost made certain I’d be in touch with my feminine side.” He teased but the sincerity and understanding in his tone eased your shoulders. 

Your features softened at the admittance and you pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Then I definitely got lucky to have you in my life at least, falling in love or not.”

—

When the day of the party rolled around, you felt sick with nerves and you couldn’t understand why. 

When Calum rolled up to pick you up—he was driving to Luke’s who lived closest to the bar and you’d both get a ride back to yours before he picked up his car the following morning—he could see the nerves and the grimace on his face spoke volumes. 

“What?” You all but demanded when you were debating outfits. He’d been sitting on the bed watching, but got up and held his hands out to you. 

You took them hesitantly. His thumbs almost immediately started to soothe across the back of your hands to help relax you. 

“Word has gotten around that Poppy is planning to show up. We haven’t exactly been quiet about our relationship, but I didn’t think she’d pull something like this.” And your stomach churned uncomfortably. 

“We’re still going. Ashton promised free drinks and we’ll be in the VIP area right?” You checked and Calum nodded.

“Ashton has already told the bouncers that she’s not allowed near the VIP section. They’re checking and rechecking the lists to make sure she isn’t on one of them.” He explained and you let out a breath of air. 

“Okay. It’ll be fine. It’s being handled and I’ve got you. Now which outfit do you think I should wear?” He studied your face for a second before a smile broke across his lips. 

“The dark purple with the deep plunge. Is it wrong of me to flaunt in her face what she lost?” And you laughed as you kissed him. 

“I mean, yes. But I also know that you want to show me off properly now that we’ve got things really settled.” You murmured and he grinned back unabashedly. 

It was still an uphill battle, but he’d given you a lot to think about. And after gentle convincing, you’d found an LGBT friendly therapist who helped you process your thoughts. It helped you come to terms with accepting the toxic relationship that you’d been in but also it highlighted how beneficial Calum had been as a friend and confidant. 

It also gave you the courage to ask Calum out officially, wanting to be with him entirely and not just in the evenings. 

He took that in his stride and things shifted once more between the two of you. When you opened up to him about some of your sessions, you knew that your trust had been well placed because he never indicated anything to his friends and so you were never subjected to pitying stares or glares. 

You were almost sure that you’d fall in love with him faster than you fell for Poppy. 

The drive to Luke’s was filled with your nerves. You hadn’t seen Luke in years and you were also meeting his two other friends, Ashton and Michael as well as their partners. 

“Ashton’s excited to finally meet you and stop telling me to be careful when I go to yours.” 

Despite Calum living with Ashton, your schedules never seemed to match and more often than not, Calum could be found at your place, a small sanctuary from your hectic lives. 

Ashton never begrudged that time you shared together, but Calum had mentioned a few times about how snappy he was being on the subject. 

“He’ll chill when he realises I’m not out to break your heart or steal something.” You muttered with a chuckle. Calum snorted in return as he pulled into Luke’s driveway. 

Your nerves return full force as he pulls you to the front door and steps in like he lives there. 

“Hey fuckers, anyone about?” He called through and was met with calls of confirmation, another yell following that they were in the dining room. Your fingers squeezed Calum’s tightly and he didn’t hesitate to return it, his thumb soothing across the skin on the back of your hand.

“Look who it is!” A voice crowed loudly as he stepped into the dining room, followed by loud calls of greetings. 

There was a flurry of introductions and you felt like the spotlight was being shone on you, under scrutiny from his best friends gazes once they had greeted their friend and Calum had introduced you. Or re-introduced you in Luke’s case.

“Well c’mon, the last time I saw you we were leaving school. What’s been happening to you?” Luke finally asked, indicating to the seat next to him. A small smile graced your lips as you sat down, Calum falling into the seat next to you as you shrugged. 

“Life I guess? It’s been definitely more interesting with the different jobs and moving about. Building up a social life again.” Luke’s face filled with a frown at that. 

Michael came in next. 

“Building up a social life? Did you not have one?” His words held an innocent curiosity, yet you felt yourself hesitate. 

“My ex was controlling to the point that I couldn’t do anything without their permission. They managed to make me believe that no one really wanted me around and I lost touch with old friends, like Luke.” You glanced to the side and he was frowning. 

The others held varying degrees of stunned shock or disapproval. 

“Well then he was a cunt.” Michael muttered and your eyes refused to meet theirs at the assumptions. Luke stayed quiet but his hand rested on your knee, squeezing it. You shot him a gentle smile in return.

“Well it’ll be good to have you back in our lives. Especially with these two knuckleheads.” He nodded at Ashton and Michael who immediately protested and you laughed. 

It felt like you’d known them for years as you all had a few shots. Ashton, despite being the owner of the bar, wasn’t worried about turning up with his friends. He’d already explained to his staff that he’d be around for the rest of the night once he arrived and he’d told the small groups he’d be here and there. 

After a handful of shots, the group of you made your way to the bar, your arm linked with Calum’s. There were separate conversations happening between you all, their girlfriends including you on their pamper night whilst the boys discussed a possible games night for all of you. 

When you arrived at the club, you saw the queue of people waiting to get in and the subsequent groans from the line as the bouncer let you in, no questions asked. 

Ashton guided the group of you to the VIP section and the music was still loud but you could still hear each other talking. You were chatting away with Luke’s girlfriend, arm still linked with Calum’s as Ashton disappeared to get drinks. 

Calum pulled your attention away briefly, his lips by your ear. 

“I’ve spotted her. She’s not seen us yet so don’t worry.” You barely nodded, acknowledging his words as you listened in, fighting to keep your nerves down. 

The night continued and you were all a few drinks deep. Calum’s arm had barely left your waist all night as you talked and danced and drank. You’d been welcomed into his group of friends with an ease you never realised existed. 

You’d deliberately not tried to seek out Poppy, silently praying that the universe would comply. But as the group of you stood out in the smokers area, huddled together under a heating lamp, your stomach sank as she stepped out, her eyes narrowing on you. 

“Fuckin’ knew it!” You could feel the alarm in your face as you stepped back into Calum, his arm going around you protectively. 

“Poppy, you’re drunk.” You felt curious gazes from your new friends, but you didn’t spare them a glance.

“You break up with me and go running to his arms, I knew you weren’t a fuckin lesbian. Pretending to try it out? Just another straight girl seeking attention. Fucking freak.” She snapped and your stomach sank. 

“Get it through your thick head that she’s bisexual.” Calum snapped in your defence, earning a glare from Poppy. But Calum didn’t shrink from the glare, your glance to his face confirmed he was giving her his own. You were mildly impressed that she didn’t back down instantly. 

“She’s a fuckin liar! Years of my life wasted on this bitch.” She spat at your feet and you took in a deep breath. 

“You don’t get to control me anymore, Poppy. I’ve liked both men and women, but you never liked that because it meant that I had more chances of leaving you. And I wished I’d have left you sooner. Calum certainly thought so.” 

“Of course you fucked the first man to pay you any attention.” Your heart sank once more at her declaration and you felt your mind fall into the old trap that you’d fought with for so long. 

“No she never. In fact she slept with a few girls long before she slept with me. But I was her best friend as she tried to deal with the mess you created in her mind.” Calum snapped back. You felt your heart swell for him. 

Poppy stepped forward, her hand raised but then Ashton stepped in front of you. 

“Get out. You’re no longer welcome in this bar.” He made a gesture and security slowly made their way over. 

“She shouldn’t be fucking welcome!” Poppy yelled back, but Ashton held firm. 

“She is my friend. You are not. Get. Out.” When the bouncer rested a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off and stormed away. Your entire body was trembling.

“So that was the ex, huh?” Michael commented and you could feel your hands trembling as you nodded. “Why didn’t you correct me?” Calum spoke up for you as his hands took yours. 

“It’s been a battle for her. Poppy had convinced her she was a lesbian, that she was wrong for having any attraction to men. In Poppy’s world, either your gay, lesbian or straight. Being bisexual isn’t acceptable in her eyes.” Calum’s arms wrapped around you and you stood there, holding onto him for dear life. 

“Well that makes two of us then.” Michael’s casual comment had your knees go weak and you let out a weak laugh. 

“Thank you Ash.” You finally murmured when you pulled away from Calum. Ashton didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you in a warm hug that was both comforting and reassuring. 

“Hey, you’ve been the best thing for my best mate. And you were friends with Luke once before. I’ve definitely got your back. And I get why you didn’t say anything and don’t hold that against you.” He muttered and you breathed a sigh of relief before returning to Calum’s embrace. 

“More drinks or are we gonna go back to Luke’s?” And you shook your head. 

“Let’s stay. I’m not gonna let her ruin it,” you leaned forwards so your lips were by his ear as the others went inside, “also I want to see if we can christen the bar in one of the toilets.” You breathed. Calum groaned as his grip around you got tighter and he pulled you in for a kiss that promised more. 

“Oh you’re so fucked sweetheart. Especially since I know where the individual lips are and they aren’t attended by anyone.” You held back a moan at that thought before pulling away, your hand in his. 

“Dance first?” And the innocence in your tone made him laugh as he followed behind you willingly. 

“Menace.” The term was laced with affection as he caught up to you, kissing the spot just below your ear. 

You simply grinned in return as you pulled him onto the dance floor, Poppy long forgotten as he danced with you. 

-

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