#im ashamed of myself . to some extent

[boccher]

There's so much i want to do. that's something i couldn't say for myself when i was at my lowest. I'm truly happy that there really is a passion inside me. yet when im faced with doing it it's just a wall of sludge and moving through it feels disgusting and impossible. not just that I'm ashamed of being bad at things (though i am to some extent, with some things), but the act of growing feels like getting injected with poison over and over and over that's how it's always felt since i started growing taller. maybe it's not really passion at all, maybe it's just a fake. that everyone else's passion can push them through the sludge but mine can't

[glowsticknfriends]

HI GLOW!! this thought has been simmering in the back of my mind for a bit so this silly message will be quite long. also, i wasn't sure which blog to send this to but this one seemed to make the most sense! anyways;

a few years ago when i was biiiiig into undertale, sans was definitely my biggest/number 1 comfort character. maybe almost f/o? i didn't know what that was at the time but it makes sense to me! the game itself and him helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. i remember dressing up as AU versions of him for halloween (which actually got me into cosplay!) and taking outfit inspo from him (iconic hoodies and basketball shorts <3) that i would wear to school and stuff. i would talk about him and the game with my friends but obviously no one would understand the extent of how i feel and everything. over the years i've kind of grown to learn to be embarrassed about being the "cringe person who used to have a crush on sans undertale". people would/still tease me a lot for it honestly crushed the inner younger me.

anyways, i say all of that because i wanted to thank you. you're the first person i've met who i've become friends with and has sans as their f/o. he may not be mine anymore, but you've genuinely (even if accidentally/unknowingly) healed that part of me that used to stay up at night feeling ashamed for being "cringe". your posts and the way you talk about him and your art are all things i wish i saw when i was younger because WHAT?? THIS SUPER COOL AMAZING WONDERFUL PERSON UNDERSTANDS ME?? i know sans is in great hands with you and he's so loved and appreciated the way he should be!! thank you for taking care of the guy who took care of me for so long.

sorry this was so long!! but, again, thank you :) you're awesome. <3

i cant think abt this too much because im genuinely really for real gonna cry.... im gonna put this under the cut in case ppl aren't looking to see my big sappy emotions ,,,,,, cw: brief mention of parent death + general pontificating sdjgfkshg

undertale was (and still is) such a hugely important piece of media to me, esp when i was younger. i fell in love with the game and its characters to the point where it was basically all i thought/talked about for a good 3 years after it first came out, and it was a huge bonding point for me and some of my closest friends, all of whom im still super close to today and consider them some of my most treasured loved ones. all of them knew about my affection for sans in particular and i consider myself to be so, so, so incredibly lucky that not only did they not make me feel embarrassed or ashamed about it, they actively encouraged it. back before any of us even knew what self shipping was i had a friend who proudly proclaimed himself a 'lans' shipper (jagskfjhgakhggkshgk), and even though my friends did tease me about it, it was always with love. they supported my silly self indulgence and in return i supported theirs, and i really think that's a huge reason why we're still so close today. then when i got into high school my dad ended up passing away while i was still in the throes of my undertale fixation, and all of a sudden sans wasn't just a silly character i really liked, he was escapism and comfort and a place of safety in my head that i could retreat to during a time where nowhere else really felt safe. i think that's why he's still so important to me now, and why he feels just a little different from any other f/o. it sounds silly, but he was my safe space back when i really, really needed one. i was lucky enough to be surrounded irl by people who supported that part of me, but i was still online during the peak of 'sans undertale cringe' and so i completely understand that gnawing sense of shame and embarrassment at being the 'cringe sans fangirl' (fanGIRL in particular, bc that word was always said with the most overt vitriol, but that's a whole other ramble adgfkjsfdksfjhg–). i felt that a lot back when i was younger, and i really think i only fully kicked that kind of mentality a few years ago, and even then i have to actively beat it off with a stick to stop it from reemerging. the thing that finally helped me start to stop that sort of thinking was (genuinely fr) the whole 'be cringe, be free' movement. at some point i was just like. life is short. if imagining myself kissing my fav characters on the mouth helps me feel a little less lonely and shitty in a world where it's so easy to feel like that, why would i shame myself for it? i wouldn't shame anyone else. why can't i extend that same kindness, that same gentleness, to me? maybe it's okay to be a little silly and to do silly things, because what the fuck are we even here for if we don't let ourselves feel joy in any way we can manage.

i'm so sorry people made you feel ashamed to like sans. in my mind, self shipping is like.... a wonderfully roundabout route to self love. of course that character you love would love you too, because you're lovable. of course they'd hold your hands and kiss your cheeks and rub your back while you cry because you deserve that! they would see you as worthy because you have worth..!! and as someone who's always struggled with loving myself as i am, it feels a little easier to try and do it by letting the characters i love, love me in return.

if there's anything i hope to do with any of the silly stuff i create, it's to make people feel seen, to celebrate the things i love in a way that invites other people to celebrate with me. i love undertale, i love sans the skeleton, and i love seeing people love themselves through letting their favorite characters love them back!! to know that i've helped in any way to heal the little you inside you... i'm so, so happy. i am holding that little you's hand and hugging them so, so, so tight. sans and i love you forever and ever and ever, bee..!!!

[bitchslapblastoids]

Honestly, as someone who has been openly queer for a few years but has only recently really felt comfortable to be able to openly explore the actual sexuality aspect of that. Being able to talk to friends about people I want to hook up with and just. Being openly horny. Is such a freeing feeling. I understand dan. I spent so long forcing myself to be, to some extent, ashamed of those desires, or supress them, or hide them away. To just be able to go. "Yeah, im hot, I wanna have sex with people, and its hella gay." Is so euphoric. Will it last? Probably not, ill level out in a year or so im sure, as did dan. But I hope I dont look back at this time and feel shame or embarrassment. Queer people already deal with so much shit from larger society, we can not spend our time berating ourselves and each other for our joy too. Its not fair. The point of being queer is to live freely. I wish people would let themselves do that.

🧡🧡🧡

[fairycosmos]

hey sorry if this is invasive but how do you know you have depression? things have been harder to cope with for the past month but i am incredibly ashamed of asking for help or even saying out loud because i feel dramatic, attention seeking etc. even realising how much it is affecting my life. do i really need to get it out to get better?

ive had it since i was a kid and my doctor has been aware of it since i was like 11 so it was just smth i grew up with - when im in a particularly bad episode i can tell because im extremely lethargic, unmotivated, don't look after myself, am prone to severe hopelessness and a sense of impending doom following me everywhere + self destruction, i drink more, i get paranoid, i dissociate and feel disconnected from the world around me and from my own body, im numb/sad most of the time, i have panic attacks and cant get out of bed even for things i would usually want to do, im very disorganised and have a flat affect/tone of voice, i don't interact with people much....honestly the list goes on LOL.

it's important to understand that depression manifests uniquely for everybody and if youve noticed a difference in your own behaviour/thinking patterns that is actively and consistently impacting your life negatively - then that is enough of an indicator that something is going on. it doesn't need to be any worse. if it's already difficult, then it's already difficult, and you deserve support with it. to some extent it's some normal to feel ashamed/afraid of reaching out - we're raised in a world that stigmatises mental illness and we've received that messaging for a long time. which makes it feel like the truth, but doesn't mean that it is actually true. i think the bottom line is that you need to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. you wouldn't want them to cut themselves off from asking for help because they've bullied themselves into silence over what people might or might not think of them. if we want to live in a world that truly supports people with mental health issues in an effective way, then we need to hold ourselves to that same standard. i know it's incredibly overwhelming, and im not saying it's wrong to be anxious or scared about reaching out. i just think actively trying to frame it from a more objective mindset could help you accept what is happening and what the right next step is for you. if you have the opportunity to talk to someone - a hotline, your doctor, a local support group or therapist, even a friend/family member to begin with - i really encourage it. even write down what you want to say or bullet point what's been going on so you don't feel like you're being put on the spot. im sure you're imagining all sorts of reactions, but in my experience, professionals are very accepting of what you're going through and just want to work with you to see how you can process and cope with your current mindset more healthily. whether it's medication, talking therapies, showing you new coping skills - there's a lot that can be done for someone in your shoes. you're not stuck and they're not going to judge you. even if, in some alternate reality, you just wanted some attention - that's not a crime. i think it's natural to want someone to witness and acknowledge us when we're hurting anyway. sorry to ramble - there are a lot of depression self help and coping pdfs that are free and available to download online which offer a bit of support. maybe that could be a good stepping stone if you're feeling super uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone. we all work on our own timeline and thats honestly ok. but if you're looking for truly personalised and effective help then i think working towards talking to someone is your best option. it's okay to not be happy about that and still do it, like swallowing a medicine that tastes gross. otherwise the thoughts just rot inside you and you get lost in a spiral of depressive thinking patterns and it weighs you down having to manage it all alone inside your head. you become at risk of losing all objectivity and sense of self, which happens to me often and is fucking horrible. if it's possible, i really hope you eventually bring this up to a loved one or a professional. im really sorry you're going through this and i truly hope better days are ahead. sending a lot of love. X

[imanes]

this is so embarrassing because im in my late 20s but how do you get into reading and enjoy it. I am struggling so much and im ashamed that i havent even read one full book in ears bc my ADHD has gotten so bad

it's not embarrassing at all! it's something a lot of people struggle with. right now I'm in a big slump myself reading doesn't bring me any joy and i can barely keep my attention on the pages so i really feel you. personally when i get like this, and when i got back into reading consistently a few years ago, i set aside half an hour a day for about two weeks to read and i'd put a timer on my phone so that i'd respect the allotted timeframe. to some extent you do have to force yourself even for 10 minutes to do this one thing and then move on. if you're reading a good, engrossing book, those few minutes will pass by really quickly and you'll probably continue regardless of the timer. that's why it's important to pick a book that is going to keep your attention. idk what you like reading but for a year i kept picking up popular general / literary fiction and that amounted to me reading three books in a whole year lmao so those are not my "genres" of preference. don't think about what you think you should be reading and pick something up that you want to read because it sounds fun and interesting. lastly if it's a possibility try to pick up an audiobook and read while listening. if i listen only i don't get half of the information but if i read the words on the pages while someone is also reading them into my ears i feel so much more focused and able to read for longer and more consistently! personally i use libby and everand (formerly scribd). hope this helps a little bit :)

[fappellmoan]

7, 11, 19

hi lmao this is literal months late but i need to complain at work rn sooooo bad so hiiii <3

7 (a character i began to hate not bc of canon but because of fandom) obviously steve. oh my god i mean canon became insufferable too largely bc the duffers dont have a backbone and seemingly caved to insane fanservice but jesus christ. oh my god. i dont care! shrek voice he's not even a main character! and somehow a good 90% of his fans are just plain old misogynists wonder why that is (some sort of jealousy weird inferiority complex and the whole mom babysitter thing and well idk im just spitballing). basically im sick. i dont even go there anymore but it still brings up such a stupid angry reaction in me like shuuuuuut the fuck up oh my god other characters exist he is not the most interesting part of this show or at least not when it was kind of okay in fact he serves his purpose so incredibly well as a side character. i dont think any other characters compare to this level but like honestly i have to take a few seconds to breathe whenever people talk about men as babygirls or whatever just because of all that.

11 (number of fandom related words ive filtered) 29. not too bad. there are some i can probably get rid of cause i dont follow people that post abt them anymore and well some of them. no matter the extent of tagging i will never escape. so

19 (i'm mad/ashamed/horrified i actually kind of like..) idk ive mostly purged myself of the idea of guilty pleasures or anything. like i guess that i didnt mind watching the pirate show just bc of its associations even tho it's not my favorite thing or anything it was just like whatever. there were some hot lesbians there and some silly moments hello ensemble characters. i still think people hyped it up to me a little too much (not u lydia) ummm. i simply shant name some of the old redacted fandoms i was there for. somewhat participated in. certainly was a freak about. one in particular that just has to stay deep down and if i ever go back will probably have to redact if i post at all about but um. yeah other than that

[luminaryessences]

29. June, 2025

I escape him through the window of my current house. I run into bushes and feel safe, then I circle through some thoughts about him, it's already fuzzy I don't quite remember. It then cuts to me frantically escaping, running away and jumping over my grandparents backyard fence, im awfully slow at jumping it, achingly slow. I run past a man, it becomes ultra slow motion as I pass the man. I realise it's him. I run run run and inform people to call the police, I shout that to at least 3 groups of people, they all scoff and respond to me negatively. It's such an inexplainably uncomfortable dream, it keeps repeating the 'escaping' part. And him always being faster, stronger and more powerful than me. He's always at my tail, and im naked for some reason. I look at it as something that adds to the severity of my vulnerability.

This is 4th-5th time I've had this dream. I had another bad one a few weeks ago.

I only remember snippets in a weird sequence sorry, i hope it makes sense.

Me and my sister. My dad is murdering my neighbours, he's attacking. We search for my mom in fear, we think we see her. We approach her only to find she's dead, and she's been 'zombified' extremely gory. Extremely. She's been murdered by him too. He's around the corners, all of them. We're getting chased by him. One of the scenes depict us panicking opening our second floor window as he's right at the door of my old room, messing up every attempt at opening the window. He's right behind us, we escape and then black. Then there's another scene where we run over a grass plain. (???) He's chasing us with a knife, but it's never a running, scary, fast chasing. He's always calm, walking. Whilst im running for my life, panicking. Yet he's always right at my ankles.

I genuinely can't explain what type of fear these dreams cause me. It's so scary. The chasing is primal, it's unlike anything I could experience in real life, it's constant, he's inescapable. No 'solution' ever works, im just stuck with this beast who is superior.

Then kind of different topic, I have these dreams of escaping him at least once a month. But I do have some type of dream everyday almost, and it has to do with stairs and big places like malls, schools etc. I dream of escaping something, its a im actually unsure what it is. Im not sure what I feel towards it. It's just a shadow, sometimes it's my dad. But the plot of the dream is, im escaping the shadow except im running through an infinite amount of stairs, up, down, crawling through small holes of stairs. There's a lot of escalators and stairs in this big 'mall'. I experience the same fear, not to the extent, but the same feeling of me being prey. Im escaping the inescapable

Unsure why I dream this, I don't even feel like im scared of my dad anymore. I don't even get massively scared or sad or upset by thinking at what happened anymore. So it's weird that I have these dreams, and im not trying to victimise myself. What happened, happened. Worse stuff has happened to other kids, mine wasn't even that bad. The only thing I'll forever regret and feel ashamed of is that I broke up my family

I'll try to go back to sleep now, 4 am

[catxolotlz]

ive accepted everything thats happened, not completely but at least to some extent and more than before. i get it that i wont always be compatible with some people no mattwr how long and how close ive been with them. im mentally ill and not everyone will and has to understad that. i cant form long term relationships, i have a hard time with human interaction and socializing, i can be a genuinely horrible person.

i can never forgive myself for what ive done i get it its my fault. sometimes i feel like im an abuser. i never intended i never wanted for this to happen. i didnt manipulate or trick anyone for enjoyment or atleast didnt mean to and never realized, i dont know what ive done, i cant judge from my perspective. i regret it all of course and i wish it never had happened and i wish it will never happen again.

i was just hurting. i was hurting so much and sometimes, i still am. i cant understand myself but i tried to control myself. i didnt fully give in, i still had it in me to be better, to change for others so others wont get hurt anymore, i wanted to be better to get better. i didnt wanna be this mess of a human. i didnt want to be a bad person.

it just never sounded right for me however. i cant exactly change something thats out of my control. i cant really get better all by myself when my whole life ive been depending on others for my happiness and worth. its almost impossible to 'change' when you have a disorder. i only masked myself for others. i only repressed all my negative emotions and bottled them up to myself in fear of hurting my loved ones again. fearing what could happen next might be the last.

i was really dumb. i never realized how bad for myself i was doing, and eventually for everyone. my emotions spilled,i was hurtng so much it sometimes became phyisical pains. id feel jolts in my chest and my head was pounding every night from so much tears i cried. i couldnt bottle up anymore and eventually every negative emotion burst out, i hurt everyone i loved, i hurt the person i loved, ive never felt so ashamed of myself. it didnt feel like myself, thatwas the scary part. everything was so drowned out, all i could think of and all i cared about was hoping the person would understand me. that was all i ever wanted.

i know what couldve been done to prevent all this, but its too late now. everytime i would vent and explain myself it always comes out a mess, and everyone avoids me. theyre all scared of me snapping or getting mad. which icant blame them because it has happened before. but i never intended to be mad at them personally. my emotions are just raging all the time, especially in a bad mental state. but during the calmer days, i shouldve took those time to explain myself, my struggles, say everything i wanted, anything for them to understand. but honestly tho i dont exactly remember if ive done that before but didnt work so i just stopped. memory loss is a bitch i guess.

but still, i feel like i couldve just. tried again. and again. and again. i dont know rlly know if it would get me anywhere and i will never know. im starting to space out and forgetting what im supposed to be saying right now. sorry.

going back to my point, i understand now. im not meant for everyone. as much as it hurts, i have to accept this painful truth, that im disabled, and it prevents me from achieving things i want. and i think thats okay. im finally accepting it now. not all, but still. its something.

now i just wish all of me can accept it too. i wish the others can swallow the pill too. i really do feel bad, that theyre still hurting, that theyre still stuck in the past, thinking this was just another one of those days and can be easily fixed. i have to stop myself sometimes from messaging people again. i have to tell them that its done. its finally happened. our biggest fear has happened. theres nothing much to be afraid of anymore. (apart from the stuff like death, of course.) you can listen to music, you can backread messages, you can browse your files of screenshots and pictures. but you cant live that life anymore. and thats okay. they may forget about you, they may think youre a bad person, thats okay. at the end of the day, theyre moving on with their lives, they have their own people, youre going to have to move on with your life too. you can change. you can stay the same. you can just be yourself. whatever you want. its all gonna be okay. no one can tell you who you are or who you are supposed to be.

im happy to still have a few friends, even if we dont get to talk much, or i never talk about my problems to them anymore, its enough that theyre comfortable with me.

im very glad for my best friend online. my friend for the longest time, even before anyone else, that stayed with me. im glad i stayed with him too. we've changed so much, we've moved on from a hundred fandoms. it's such a pleasure to experience you.

and words cannot describe how much i love and appreciate my best friend. i genuinely cant put it to words. thank you so much for being there for me. for still being with me even after the friend group had dissolved. i want to talk to you about my cringe problems and i want you to scream yours too. id love to listen to more music with you. watch more shows with you. maybe even talk to more people with you. i want to grow up with you, i want to experience life with you by my side.

i think thats all i have to say for now. this kinda got a little carried away frm my original idea lol. cya

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Hello darkness my old friend

It's been awhile. Ive been in a funk. Denial. Whatever you want to call it. Ive done some things I'm not quite proud of. Nothing I should be ashamed of, im single, technically. I just wish my heart felt that way. I wish my heart could look into someones eyes and dig my fingers in their back and not see his face. Not cry out for him. Not wish he was the one on top of me. It makes me cringe. Makes me feel dirty. Makes me feel cheap. Breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart. Why, I'll never understand. He doesn't want me. Hes told me multiple times. He's shown me. Plenty of times.

I have to see him in 2 days. Two fucking days. Ive waited on this for an entire year. This moment. This exact moment. Ive waited and I've cried and ive begged time to fly by. For it to feel like this. For it to be this wrong. For it to feel this different. For it to look this different.

Because it is wrong. At least for me. I don't know how I keep getting this so wrong. How I keep getting myself into these situations.

Since I last wrote, ive hung out with 2 different people. The first one was a guy I met when I got back from the beach. He looked a lot like P actually. Crazy similar. His body was different though, unfamiliar and stiff. The sex wasn't great but we took a shower after and well, that was something. He rubbed my body and I don't mean like just rubbed, he poured into me. I know that sounds crazy but I cant even describe the feeling. He was massaging every single inch of my body, even the forbidden rolls. I let him, even if I never saw him again, it felt good and I deserved it. This man sat on the shower floor and massaged me for an hour combined, because he did it twice. Yes, I mean 2 separate showers. It was incredible. He left (after driving 3 hours) and I haven't spoken to him since. I was a tad salty at first because I felt super used, but in all reality, he didn't get anything out of it, I did. The sex was honestly trash, and the dick was wayyyyyyy too big, so I just took him off of my socials. He wasn't the one but I think that was probably the best experience I could have had after 2 years of being with the same person.

The next one, im still currently seeing. We get along really well. The sex wasn't good at first but has gotten better. He pretty much comes over every day after work and we watch our show and I cook. We run errands and get coffee. That's nice. He even pays for my coffee. Which sounds dumb but is really nice. The connection is there to an extent. Hes just not ty. No one ever will be and I know that, but he's just not him and he doesn't come close. He's nice to have around but thats about it. I don't see anything else coming of it. Im Ty's girl. Even if im not his.

I can remember the first time we met like it was yesterday and I remember exactly how my heart felt. I remember when we kissed and I kinda took a breath and my heart went 'there you are, ive been waiting." I know that sounds crazy and god did I fight it. I fought it so hard because even though I felt like that, my heart Was still p's. I kept telling myself you don't go through what you went through, to Meet the one 4 months later. I believed that. I kept telling myself that. But I think I always knew. Ty was different and I didn't know to what extent until he left. I didn't let my feelings surface until he was thousands of miles away. I guess it was a coping mechanism. I still got fucked in the end.

Everything with him was instant. Easy. It's hard to explain, it was the easiest thing in the world. Like breathing. I was scared of it and still am. But now im more scared of the feeling of him being gone than I ever was of letting myself fall.

I just still don't understand any of this. Myra leaves this weekend and my heart is heavy. Its broken. I never imagined losing either one of them let alone both at the same time. It's dark and twisted and im not sure if im going to be okay. I know the world will keep spinning and time will keep going, im just not sure I will.

[brittapcrrys]

this post just making me think abt something for, like, the 10th time today....

this got so fucking long ahhh i am just. justifying all this to myself as im unpacking where the feeings are coming from jsdfkhs glad i have a psych session next week, guess i know what we're gonna talk abt!!

i was rly generally frustrated this afternoon and got a message to pop around for last minute planning for the help/work im doing for mum's friend for the next few weeks. and like yeah i know that it is generally within my range of abilities, i know that most times i help 'em out like this it's Fine and occasionally even Fun, i know that if im Not Well or anything else i can text and say look can't do it today sorry and that'll be accepted!!!

but. whenever i am asked to Do these things (dog sit / dog walk / plant-sit&garden, etc) for "neighbours" and friends there's like......... they KNOW im unemployed and they KNOW i've done it before so there's this feeling of an unspoken expectation that i WILL say yes, i will agree to do it when and as asked.

and ig to some extent it's reasonable for any of them to think 'she's been happy to do it before so there's good odds she'll probably, hopefully, do it again!' and they're never DEMANDING abt it or anything so maybe it is, at least coming from the 'employer' in each case, mostly just ~in my head~ n something i'm seeing/feeling/projecting that's not Actually in there

but idk when i HAVE had jobs in the past (waitress, cleaner, babysitter, tutor, library assistant) if i got ~called in~ the day before i uhhhh could say no. and would say no. and i didn't feel bad abt it i didn't care like i had a (casual, but pre-planned) roster and i've been fortunate enough that saying 'no, i can't' didn't lose me those scheduled shifts or the job as a whole, i know that. but bc this isn't an ~official~ job there's no structure it's just a 'get a text 1wk-to-12hrs before, help a neighbour, get twenty bucks' kinda deal each time it feels like i HAVE TO say yes. if i don't have some other thing already planned, i have to say Yeah Sure or im evil and horrible and the worst and should be ashamed

excepttttttttt i think. a lot of that. comes from my mum lmao always a fun connection to make. bc i made some exasperated comment mostly to myself during that frustrated moment this afternoon and she was like "well what do you mean? why can't you do it? why would you say no? did you WANT to say no? it's not like you have much else going on... it's not even hard why wuold---" etc etc and dad isn't quite so expressive, ever, but less and less so as the PD continues to wear away at him & his speech in more obvious ways, but has similar sentiments. and like.... just bc THEY can't/won't say no to stuff doesn't mean i shouldn't????? mum will say she needs a week to herself and then 10minutes later has agreed to be a TRT (substitute teacher) for 3.5days that week. dad just thinks 'you do a job until it's done. you get asked to do a job, you do that til it's done' and like let's not even THINK abt the way that has worn each of them down physically and emotionally at different times, including now. like they just view Work and the related Expectations/Obligations differently, i guess? whether that's a generational thing, a ND (me) vs NT thing, a 'farmer and air force electrician' and 'lifelong teacher' and 'we both moved out at 16/17 and supported ourselves from that point on / u can't get something from nothing' thing. i have forgotten where this was going jfc

anyway. the dog will be a lil moody if i don't visit her for a couple hours & go for a walk, but she'll be fine. the plants can be watered by someone else, or - esp in the current weather - just miss a day, they'll bounce back later. me doing these things when asked is not, like, the key to holding the fabric of the universe together. nobody's life is gonna come apart at the seams bc i said 'oh, sorry, i won't be able to d that today/this week'.

and i shouldn't actually have to explain why! maybe i have a migraine and can't stand up straight. maybe i'm having a gastrointestinal Hell Episode. maybe i threw up overnight and am still very distressed abt it. maybe i haven't slept in 48hrs. maybe it's windy and im teetering on the verge of a panic attack and rly cannot be outside in it. maybe it's PMDD time and i know i don't have the patience to interact with another being especially not in a way where im solely responsible for it. maybe im bleeding heavily and cramping to the extreme on and off without warning. maybe i haven't been able to get out of bed all week because i just dont want to exist. MAYBE i just! don't! wanna!

and idt it's fair that anyone says or acts in a way that suggests im doing something Very Wrong or Shameful or Disappointing (there's a difference between, 'oh, that's disappointing, but thanks for letting me know' disappointment & 'why would you do that? what are you thinking?' disappointment, which is the kind i mean). is it gonna be fine most times if i agree to it even when i don't rly want to? yes. it's always mostly fine-ish. it's nto abt avoiding it out of anxiety or whatever like im not nervous abt walking this mini daschund that adores me. im not nervous abt watering plants that are essentially the same as my own at home. it's just, like, weighing up 'would doing this likely improve my mood/day? will it probably just be a non-impact kinda deal? what are the odds it makes me / my day worse?' each time (knowing when my psych appts are, when my period is and general mood shifts during my cycle, how my sleep and mood have been in the day/s before the 'shift', weather, etc etc etc) and determining which is likely to be the most effective and useful (or neutral, sometimes) option for me in that case!

and if that reason is just 'ehhh i really just Dont Want It today/tomorrow' that is also fine, actually

[todayisyourturntolose]

speedran tf outta this sooo here's the enby p1 fic

erm tw for maybe some in depth talk of body dysmorphia. rlly half of this is just my own thoughts abt myself just given to p1

also this isn't rlly proofread bcuz its 2 am rn and im tired af so if you seen any spelling errors. no u don't

also @strawbrygashez haaaai methinks you should read this

[platonic p1/p4 fic abt p1 coming out as nb bcuz im nb and i make the rules. sorrrry]

P1 couldn't stand to look at himself in the mirror. Especially when unclothed.

He couldn't stand seeing his thin figure, or the countless scars that littered his body. It seemed like no part of him was safe from some sort of cut or bruise.

What he hated the most, however, were the two flesh mounds on his chest. And even though they weren't large or easy to see from afar when he didn't wear a binder, just the mere thought of them was enough to make him almost gag.

All of this dysphoria didn't go well with his ongoing gender issues, either.

Did he feel like a woman? Hell no. ..Well, maybe sometimes? Being a bit feminine was nice, but he didn't do it very often. Did he feel like a man? ...Maybe? It was what he chose to identify as for almost his entire life, but now he was really doubting if he still felt like one.

At the same time, though, he didn't feel like he was either gender. He felt almost as if he was simply a body, one with no gender given to it.

This internal struggle ate away at him for what seemed like forever, and was made even worse by his already horrible mental health.

Despite all of this, he was finally able to come to a conclusion on how he felt.

He was neither. Not a man, not a woman, and, honestly, nothing in between. In his own eyes, he was simply just a person, someone who didn't feel like they were a specific gender.

Now, with all of that finally figured out.., how would he tell everyone else? On one hand, most of the Dudes were all very supportive of one another, and those who weren't entirely supportive still understood to an extent.

On the other hand, the idea of the others not understanding and even making fun of him for his identity still lingered in the back of his mind. There was a very slim possibility of it happening, but he still feared that it could occur.

The thought had worried him so much that he had avoided speaking to any of the other Dudes for almost an entire week. He only ever saw them if he went downstairs, and even then, he would try to avoid making eye contact with any other Dude.

But before the week had ended, he realized that he couldn't keep his feelings to himself forever. (even if that's what he usually did)

After a bit of narrowing down his options, he decided that there was only one person he could tell without feeling entirely ashamed of himself.

It was P4.

He had a greater bond with P1 than any other Dude, and the two would frequently speak to each other in private quite frequently. Despite P4's age, he understood exactly how P1 felt, and had a solution to nearly all of P1's problems.

So, after giving it some thought, he mustered up the courage to ask P4 to talk privately. He passed the older man in the hall and tapped his shoulder, simply signing, "Can we talk?"

It took P4 a quick second to process the question, given his understanding of ASL was still a bit low, but he nodded and responded with "Sure, whenever you're ready to."

P1 signed "Now, please", and P4 nodded once again, following the other man to his room.

P1 locked the door behind them once they were both in his room. P4 sat down and put his back to the wall, while P1 chose to stand at the door.

"So, what're we here to talk about?" P4 said after a bit of silence.

Almost instantly, P1 could feel his chest tighten. His heart seemed to skip a beat once he realized that he was about to vomit his bottled up feelings to another person.

He began to wring his hands, looking at the ground.

"I'm not too sure how to phrase this, but..."

"I've been doing some.. thinking recently.. about myself and how I feel, and.."

He slowly raised his head up, looking at P4.

"If I tell you this, you won't freak out and get mad about it, right?"

P4 frowned. "Hey, I'd never get mad at you for anything. Whatever it is, I'm sure I can at least understand a little bit."

P1 sighed, a bit relieved at his response.

"..So, I've been thinking about who I am for a while now, specifically about my..gender..and.." He went silent, looking back down and beginning to pick at the skin on his face.

"Hey, if you don't want to continue talking, it's totally fine. We can stop right now if you're not comfortable."

P1 shook his head. "No..no, it's fine. I'm just..trying to figure out how I should say this.."

He took a deep breath, eyes still looking at the ground.

"I not..a man. I not a woman, either. I don't have a specific gender, I guess. Really, I'm just a person, if that makes sense. I don't like the way my body looks, and I don't like being perceived as a gender just because of it."

The room was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, which made P1 worry even more.

"It's alright if you don't accept me, I just thought I could get it off of my chest without being judged and-"

He stopped once he saw P4 stand up and walk over to him, thinking he was about to get walked out on.

Instead, P4 simply wrapped the other man in his arms, pulling him into a hug.

P1 tensed up, hands at his side. His mouth hung agape, and his eyes widened.

"I understand. I understand completely. I'm not going to hate you just because of how you feel. Hell, I never have hated you, and I never will. Whatever it is that you identify as, I'll support you, no matter what."

And here comes the waterworks.

P1 felt a tear drop, and didn't bother to stop it. He sobbed into the older man's shoulder,and his hands made their way there as well. P4 patted his back as P1 uttered several "thank you"s.

After a good minute or so, P1 moved his head away from P4's shoulder, wiping his face with his own sleeve.

"Fuck, I must look horrible right now." He finally said, giving the other man a slight smile.

P4 pulled away, ruffling P1's hair and smiling back at him. "Not at all."

They stood in silence for a few seconds, neither person not really knowing what to say.

"So, uh, what do I call you now? Is Dude still alright?" P4 said.

P1's smile widened slightly. "Yeah, Dude is still alright. But, I'd prefer if you used 'they' instead of 'he' when you talk about me, if that's ok."

"Got it. So, you want me to tell the others? I don't want this to just be between us, and have them talk about you incorrectly." P4 walked past P1, putting his hand on the door knob.

P1 walked over to him. "Yeah, I think now is a good time to. I'll just stay in here while you do it."

P4 turned the knob, but stopped when P1 suddenly pulled him in for another hug.

"Sorry, I'm just...glad that you support me.."

He pulled away, and P4 grinned. "No need to apologize! It's common decency, really."

"Let's just hope these assholes can understand.." P4 muttered as he opened the door and walked out.

P1 closed the door, sighing in relief.

Being understood felt nice.

[angelicyouth]

bro i just realized that most of my happinest comes from imagining myself in fictional scenarios with fictional characters because in the real world i dont really have anyone i feel i can truly trust, so really at this point one of my only sources of happiness is just being somewhat delusional thinking fictional people care about me when in reality i dont know if anyone will truly even care about me in that extent, i dont even think i could even love myself the way i want people to love me because i just see myself as a generally displeasing person to be around because im too much too bear or too confusing or too angry and people dont wanna put up with me and ive just been realizng that for the past months and it makes me wish i was someone else who could be better than whoever i am, i dont even know at this point who i really am and i wish i was better and funnier and not someone who is the embodiment of a dissapointment.i cant even bring myself to talk about my problems to people irl no matter how much id like to because im too scared to be a burden or just seem overexaggrerating so its eating me from the inside and i cant bring myself to be someone i want to be, all i do is just stay in my room all day because i dont have the energy to do anything anymore. thing that i used to like dont seem the same anymore and i just wanna be held by someone and to be told that its okay to not be okay but if someone actually did it would feel like just a big lie because i dont have that much of an excuse to not be okay so really im putting down other people's problems and looking for attention and i feel so guilty for even feeling this way but at the same time i dont wanna let go of these feelings because it feels like if i have them people will actually care about me and ill have someone by my side and if i dont feel sad then nobody would have any reason to pity me and nobody would really wanna hangout with me anymore and it feels so comflicting and it makes me wanna shut myself away from everyone and continue to pretend everything is okay even if nothing feels okay. i wish i was someone else, maybe then nothing like this would happen.

that one relatable moment where you have nobody 2 vent 2 so you vent as an anon 2 a random blog ran by the literal nicest person ever

-mango anon

mango bby :(

first of all—i’m proud of you for being honest with your feelings! i’m sure it took a lot of courage to come forward and to talk about this with someone else so please give yourself some self care in my place for taking that monumental step!

i know that it may not mean much if i say this because of how overused this line is but truly, don’t ever feel bad about what you’re feeling. always remember that the need for attention is normal and common to all humans. it’s not only limited to that but the need for comfort is also normal and common, the need for physical touch is normal, the need for validation, for acknowledgment, for a positive reaction to yourself, a need to express yourself, to talk about yourself, to voice your pain, to feel valued and important—it’s all normal and a part of just being a human being.

so please, don’t beat yourself up over having those. if you’re struggling with some of them particularly, it doesn’t mean you’re “needy”. anyone who doesn’t get those things would go to deprivation mode and end up craving them severely, eventually. those needs should be met at default and as your friend, i always want to ensure that i can readily provide those for you! so don’t feel ashamed for voicing those thoughts to me because i appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me as i genuinely want to help you. i know i may seem like a random blog run by someone you don’t know from the internet but that doesn’t mean my friendship for you is less valid. so please, if you ever need to talk to someone or just need me to listen then always remember that i’m here for you. because how else would i know what to help you with if it’s not said?

and i know that you feel delusional for seeking comfort from fictional characters but that’s simply not true. because personally, through my own writing, what these people say or do are essentially extensions of the authors who use them in their literature. so whenever craig and kenny talk to reader in youth, they’re not just baseless things that are said just cause for the plot. they’re actual words with real meaning and intent to whoever is reading their dialogue. so with that in mind, what they both have said is their words of affirmation and reassurance to you:

feelings aren’t illogical. they aren’t wrong nor are they here for no reason. they aren’t a failure of self control, they aren’t a burden, and they are not an inconvenience. emotions are generated from actual things that happened, they are normal reactions to things that actually happened!! if you feel sad, anxious, hurt, overwhelmed, mad, frustrated—even if it seems illogical, there’s a very good reason you feel this way. you aren’t supposed to control how you feel, you aren’t supposed to doubt your emotions. they are always just a reaction, they do not come from you!! they’re not your failure, feeling all this is normal and logical under unbearable circumstances of anything that’s happened.

i hope you will be kinder to yourself babe, you deserve it :< it makes me so, so upset when you can’t see how amazing you are in my eyes and i bet everyone else’s just because of some mistakes you made along the way or any ill feelings you harbor for yourself. i really wish you didn’t beat yourself up so much over them, those mistakes or whatever negative things that have happened don’t define you.

and remember: you’re not stuck the way you are now. every day you have the potential to grow and to learn, and you do grow and learn, all the time! it may not feel like it because it’s so subtle, but you do. the universe won’t let you get stuck, there is so much more to discover and i’ll always be here with you along the way! it’s inevitable to make mistakes, it’s human nature and wouldn’t make sense to be perfect on the get-go. no one is like that. just remember, progress can’t be compared. progress is still progress and slow + steady will still win the race! as long as you’re not changing yourself to cater to someone else’s needs or society’s standards then i will always support your desire to strive for the best version of yourself!!♡

[aroaceconfessions]

cw: sex, mention of masturbation

im acespec and quite sex repulsed i think, like i fantasise about sex (to some extent) but anything irl makes me uncomfortable and sometimes grosses me out too. i also dont have a particularly high libido, sometimes im just "in the mood"? turned on? so when that happens i either do nothing (because i dont dim it particularly important) or take care of it myself. and i've never had any problems with that, i dont feel ashamed nor disgusted. the only thing i hate is the way you get so sweaty and physically hot/warm. i really dont like it. i cant imagine having intercourse and having to deal with mine and another person/other people's heat and sweat. seems just about disgusting and umcomfy. i also hate people touching me even outside of any sexual context, so i cant imagine how being in one would go. badly probably.

[the-queen-of-ships]

when you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) 💛

Oop super late-

First things, first. I love my hair, its long and thick and I just love when on a particularly windy day it just flies back. And I like how it frames my face and I love my bangs. Idk I just like it, blame Rapunzel.

Second, I've recently come to care and like my body. It helps that I exercise a bit, constantly moving around. It just feels nice when you feel like your feeling healthy.

Third, my impractical fashion sense. My fashion consists of monochrome colors or dark colors and no thats not bc of Whitney. That's just what I liked. There's some doft pink in there. Impractical bc I live in a hot place and most of what I like is turtle necks, long sleeves, jackets, and y'know how black absorbs more heat? Yeah. I've also wanted to start wearing skirts, stockings, and heeled shoes. Which is PEAK impractical but it makes me feel pretty so there.

Four, socialising has always been difficult for me. I didn't really fit in and it was hard for me to talk on and offline, idk why but for some reason online classes really helped me. I feel like Im one of the students who actually got to be in a friend group out of our entire class. It actually helped me be more comfortable around people, although I still have a tough time with it. Im happy Im improving!

Five, well Im happy Im figuring myself out. I was heavily embarrassed at being part of fandom culture as a young teen bc I often got teased by my brother and it basically has a bad rep for those outside and even inside it. I cared deeply about what other people thought. To some extent I still do but I've grown mostly past that and have embraced this side of me, sure I don't go around saying "hey I write fanfics!" but I'm definitely more comfortable and more happy instead of ashamed and indenial about it. There are other aspect Im figuring out.

Also rather than self deprecating humor, I try to be more positive. I thought it sounded stupid at first, but it's better than saying sad jokes about myself.

[irwinkitten]

got lucky | c.h

requested by anon: ok so for the bi!reader concept: last year i ended my relationship w this girl the main reason was because she was really insecure and jealous especially about me being bisexual like anytime i would talk to a guy she would just get so upset about it and she would make such gross biphobic comments and at the time i had so much internalised biphobia that i tried to convince myself i was gay n stayed in the relationship longer than i should have because i rly liked her i guess lol anyways (1/4) we ended and a while afterwards i started seeing this guy who i’d known of for ages (friends of friends type situation) but we just never really talked before or hung out but from the first date we clicked and the sex was crazy good like the type of sex were ur ditching ur vibrators cuz he’s that good lmao so one weekend we went to this party together and of course she is also there, i was so surprised and i could see her eyeing us the whole night, so when she came over i was anxious af (2/4) and this guy knew i was bi! it was no secret, i worked really hard to accept myself! so she comes over and she deadass goes “are you straight now? i knew you would end up with a man!” and she’s all smug but also hurt and im standing there like what the fuck and THEN this dumb man goes “ha guess the sex is so good i made her straight again” and i’m literally about to cry over how gross the whole interaction is and im so shocked i can’t even defend myself, i dumped him that night obviously (3/) last messgae: so basically can you pls do a redo of the gross situation where instead of being with that dumb guy its with calum and he is so protective n sweet n NORMAL n encourages u to stand up for urself about bisexuality / your sexuality, because what happened to me happens too often and its disgusting and gross and no one deserves that!! only if u feel comfortable/inspired tho, no pressure!! love u laura, thank u for creating such a safe space for all the queer babies it means a lot 💘 notes: i kinda enjoyed writing this one esp for my sweet anon baby. i love u and i hope this is everything you wanted ♥  warnings: biphobia, implications of emotional abuse

word count: 3.2k

donate to my ko-fi here

-

“Hey what’cha doing sweets?” Calum’s voice pulled you from your musings, your hand idly tracing patterns against the paper but the pen remaining on the desk. You wrenched your thoughts from the spiral you seemed to have fallen down, a smile crossing your lips as you felt your heart flutter at the sight of him.

“Nothin’. Just thinking.” You finally replied as he pulled up one of the spare chairs next to you, the bustling activity of the coffee shop falling into your background noise as his thigh pressed against yours.

“Really? Normally you doodle when you’re just thinking.” He countered with ease and your eyes dropped to the paper, noticing that the pen remained where you’d placed it when you first sat down. Subconsciously you must’ve realised that the route your thoughts had gone were not suitable to put down on paper, your fingers picking up the pen and mind falling blank immediately.

“Oh.” You breathed before placing the pen back down and packing away the pad and pen.

“What’s running through your head, doll?” Calum’s voice was quiet and concerned, you shrugged.

“Just, a lot on my mind is all. You’re not my keeper just because we’ve slept together.” You admitted quietly and he frowned before picking up his bag and for a sinking second you thought he was going to walk off, but instead, he took your bag from your hands and slung it over his shoulder. 

He looked back at you expectantly and you sighed before standing up, leaving the coffee shop with him, your eyes on the floor as you fell into step next to him.

“Your place or mine?”

“E’s gonna be home and I don’t want to hear them rant about me bringing people back.” You muttered and Calum nodded. 

“I think Ash is out. He’ll probably head out to Luke’s if I show up with you.” At his smirk, you rolled your eyes fondly before shoving him towards the bus stop. His indignant “hey!” was only ignored as you two waited for the bus, his arm slung over your shoulders.

Selfishly, you leaned into his touch, trying to ignore the fact that your stomach was doing flips at his touch alone. 

The bus journey was a quiet ten minutes, but Calum seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to talk with so many people around, so he was content to just keep you close, and you were unwilling to pull away until his stop came up.

When you reached his shared house with Ashton, you noted that the car was gone from the driveway and Calum smirked.

“Looks like he’s out. C’mon.” His hand tucked around yours and pulled you inside. And for a second you wondered if you could distract him with sex, but then the guilt appeared and you could feel the tears of frustration appear as your thoughts swirled and you felt dizzy.

Calum had stepped ahead, turning to see you stood leaning against the closed door, head in your hands and he knew something was wrong. Stepping back to you, he dropped your bags and took your hand in his, pulling you upstairs to his room and your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Cal I-”

“I’m not suggesting that.” He muttered. You fell silent at that and as he pulled you into his room, you felt unsure, but he gave you no chance to really deny him as he crawled into bed before opening his arms out to you.

“Cal.”

“I know you. You don’t do emotional stuff well but I’m here for a cuddle and an ear if you need it.” You fell into the embrace easily, your head resting on his chest as his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his lips finding your temple as you finally felt something in you snap, the surge of emotions overwhelming and frighteningly vivid. 

“I keep telling myself that I never was a lesbian, that I still found men attractive but Poppy made me feel like having that attraction was stupid since I was dating her and that I was a lesbian and it’s so fucking confusing because I like you, but I can hear her voice screeching that I’m not right, that I’m a lesbian or faking it or a freak.” And for the first time since you left Poppy, you cried.

Calum had been waiting for this. When the split had happened, you’d been ready for it, you’d already left her mentally, but this was what he knew you needed. He knew that the relationship with her had been toxic, but you’d never revealed the extent of her behaviour. 

His heart broke.

“Just because you like both men and women does not mean you should feel so guilty over your sexuality. There’s a B in LGBT for a reason, doll. That’s you. You’re bisexual and you should be proud of that, not ashamed because some bitch with a control issue couldn’t handle the fact that you liked more than women.” 

You found yourself gripping his shirt with your fists as you pressed your face into his chest, trying to stem the tears that seemed relentless. But Calum held his silence whilst you got it out of your system, knowing that you needed to get this off your chest. 

“I’m sorry.” You finally got out, but he simply shushed you. 

“She was a shitty person with an attitude to show. You shouldn’t apologise for the bitch.” His words were simple but it gave you a breath of ease, pulling away as hands rubbed your shoulders gently. 

He was definitely too good to you, but he was there for you regardless and you were certain that you loved him for that.

“There’s gonna be a party on the other side of town in a couple of weeks. Ash took over the old Firefly down on Hartley. He’s revamping before opening the bar to the public. You fancy going?” And you smiled at the gentle distraction he was offering. 

“We get at least a free drink if we show up, right?” And Calum laughed as he kissed your temple. 

“He wouldn’t say no to me. Or you. In fact, I’m almost certain he’s expecting me to do full introductions on that night since Luke and Mike will be there with the others and their girls.” You rolled your eyes. 

“It’s not like I went to school with Luke or anything.” Came your sarcastic retort and Calum laughed as the two of you settled for the evening. 

“Pretty sure Luke last saw you when you started dating Poppy. He’s put two and two together but he won’t say anything unless you mention it. Even then he knows it’s not his place.” Your heart seemed to swell another size in affection for Luke. 

“You’re making it difficult for me to not fall in love with you Cal. Good dick, you know how to use those lips and fingers of yours, you make me feel like I belong and you respect boundaries without me having to ask.” You finally muttered and Calum gave you an almost wistful smile. 

“You may have been with Poppy but that didn’t stop me from being friends with you. You’re someone I’ve genuinely cared about from day one. Not gonna chuck that away because of who you are. Plus growing up with my mom and sister almost made certain I’d be in touch with my feminine side.” He teased but the sincerity and understanding in his tone eased your shoulders. 

Your features softened at the admittance and you pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Then I definitely got lucky to have you in my life at least, falling in love or not.”

—

When the day of the party rolled around, you felt sick with nerves and you couldn’t understand why. 

When Calum rolled up to pick you up—he was driving to Luke’s who lived closest to the bar and you’d both get a ride back to yours before he picked up his car the following morning—he could see the nerves and the grimace on his face spoke volumes. 

“What?” You all but demanded when you were debating outfits. He’d been sitting on the bed watching, but got up and held his hands out to you. 

You took them hesitantly. His thumbs almost immediately started to soothe across the back of your hands to help relax you. 

“Word has gotten around that Poppy is planning to show up. We haven’t exactly been quiet about our relationship, but I didn’t think she’d pull something like this.” And your stomach churned uncomfortably. 

“We’re still going. Ashton promised free drinks and we’ll be in the VIP area right?” You checked and Calum nodded.

“Ashton has already told the bouncers that she’s not allowed near the VIP section. They’re checking and rechecking the lists to make sure she isn’t on one of them.” He explained and you let out a breath of air. 

“Okay. It’ll be fine. It’s being handled and I’ve got you. Now which outfit do you think I should wear?” He studied your face for a second before a smile broke across his lips. 

“The dark purple with the deep plunge. Is it wrong of me to flaunt in her face what she lost?” And you laughed as you kissed him. 

“I mean, yes. But I also know that you want to show me off properly now that we’ve got things really settled.” You murmured and he grinned back unabashedly. 

It was still an uphill battle, but he’d given you a lot to think about. And after gentle convincing, you’d found an LGBT friendly therapist who helped you process your thoughts. It helped you come to terms with accepting the toxic relationship that you’d been in but also it highlighted how beneficial Calum had been as a friend and confidant. 

It also gave you the courage to ask Calum out officially, wanting to be with him entirely and not just in the evenings. 

He took that in his stride and things shifted once more between the two of you. When you opened up to him about some of your sessions, you knew that your trust had been well placed because he never indicated anything to his friends and so you were never subjected to pitying stares or glares. 

You were almost sure that you’d fall in love with him faster than you fell for Poppy. 

The drive to Luke’s was filled with your nerves. You hadn’t seen Luke in years and you were also meeting his two other friends, Ashton and Michael as well as their partners. 

“Ashton’s excited to finally meet you and stop telling me to be careful when I go to yours.” 

Despite Calum living with Ashton, your schedules never seemed to match and more often than not, Calum could be found at your place, a small sanctuary from your hectic lives. 

Ashton never begrudged that time you shared together, but Calum had mentioned a few times about how snappy he was being on the subject. 

“He’ll chill when he realises I’m not out to break your heart or steal something.” You muttered with a chuckle. Calum snorted in return as he pulled into Luke’s driveway. 

Your nerves return full force as he pulls you to the front door and steps in like he lives there. 

“Hey fuckers, anyone about?” He called through and was met with calls of confirmation, another yell following that they were in the dining room. Your fingers squeezed Calum’s tightly and he didn’t hesitate to return it, his thumb soothing across the skin on the back of your hand.

“Look who it is!” A voice crowed loudly as he stepped into the dining room, followed by loud calls of greetings. 

There was a flurry of introductions and you felt like the spotlight was being shone on you, under scrutiny from his best friends gazes once they had greeted their friend and Calum had introduced you. Or re-introduced you in Luke’s case.

“Well c’mon, the last time I saw you we were leaving school. What’s been happening to you?” Luke finally asked, indicating to the seat next to him. A small smile graced your lips as you sat down, Calum falling into the seat next to you as you shrugged. 

“Life I guess? It’s been definitely more interesting with the different jobs and moving about. Building up a social life again.” Luke’s face filled with a frown at that. 

Michael came in next. 

“Building up a social life? Did you not have one?” His words held an innocent curiosity, yet you felt yourself hesitate. 

“My ex was controlling to the point that I couldn’t do anything without their permission. They managed to make me believe that no one really wanted me around and I lost touch with old friends, like Luke.” You glanced to the side and he was frowning. 

The others held varying degrees of stunned shock or disapproval. 

“Well then he was a cunt.” Michael muttered and your eyes refused to meet theirs at the assumptions. Luke stayed quiet but his hand rested on your knee, squeezing it. You shot him a gentle smile in return.

“Well it’ll be good to have you back in our lives. Especially with these two knuckleheads.” He nodded at Ashton and Michael who immediately protested and you laughed. 

It felt like you’d known them for years as you all had a few shots. Ashton, despite being the owner of the bar, wasn’t worried about turning up with his friends. He’d already explained to his staff that he’d be around for the rest of the night once he arrived and he’d told the small groups he’d be here and there. 

After a handful of shots, the group of you made your way to the bar, your arm linked with Calum’s. There were separate conversations happening between you all, their girlfriends including you on their pamper night whilst the boys discussed a possible games night for all of you. 

When you arrived at the club, you saw the queue of people waiting to get in and the subsequent groans from the line as the bouncer let you in, no questions asked. 

Ashton guided the group of you to the VIP section and the music was still loud but you could still hear each other talking. You were chatting away with Luke’s girlfriend, arm still linked with Calum’s as Ashton disappeared to get drinks. 

Calum pulled your attention away briefly, his lips by your ear. 

“I’ve spotted her. She’s not seen us yet so don’t worry.” You barely nodded, acknowledging his words as you listened in, fighting to keep your nerves down. 

The night continued and you were all a few drinks deep. Calum’s arm had barely left your waist all night as you talked and danced and drank. You’d been welcomed into his group of friends with an ease you never realised existed. 

You’d deliberately not tried to seek out Poppy, silently praying that the universe would comply. But as the group of you stood out in the smokers area, huddled together under a heating lamp, your stomach sank as she stepped out, her eyes narrowing on you. 

“Fuckin’ knew it!” You could feel the alarm in your face as you stepped back into Calum, his arm going around you protectively. 

“Poppy, you’re drunk.” You felt curious gazes from your new friends, but you didn’t spare them a glance.

“You break up with me and go running to his arms, I knew you weren’t a fuckin lesbian. Pretending to try it out? Just another straight girl seeking attention. Fucking freak.” She snapped and your stomach sank. 

“Get it through your thick head that she’s bisexual.” Calum snapped in your defence, earning a glare from Poppy. But Calum didn’t shrink from the glare, your glance to his face confirmed he was giving her his own. You were mildly impressed that she didn’t back down instantly. 

“She’s a fuckin liar! Years of my life wasted on this bitch.” She spat at your feet and you took in a deep breath. 

“You don’t get to control me anymore, Poppy. I’ve liked both men and women, but you never liked that because it meant that I had more chances of leaving you. And I wished I’d have left you sooner. Calum certainly thought so.” 

“Of course you fucked the first man to pay you any attention.” Your heart sank once more at her declaration and you felt your mind fall into the old trap that you’d fought with for so long. 

“No she never. In fact she slept with a few girls long before she slept with me. But I was her best friend as she tried to deal with the mess you created in her mind.” Calum snapped back. You felt your heart swell for him. 

Poppy stepped forward, her hand raised but then Ashton stepped in front of you. 

“Get out. You’re no longer welcome in this bar.” He made a gesture and security slowly made their way over. 

“She shouldn’t be fucking welcome!” Poppy yelled back, but Ashton held firm. 

“She is my friend. You are not. Get. Out.” When the bouncer rested a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off and stormed away. Your entire body was trembling.

“So that was the ex, huh?” Michael commented and you could feel your hands trembling as you nodded. “Why didn’t you correct me?” Calum spoke up for you as his hands took yours. 

“It’s been a battle for her. Poppy had convinced her she was a lesbian, that she was wrong for having any attraction to men. In Poppy’s world, either your gay, lesbian or straight. Being bisexual isn’t acceptable in her eyes.” Calum’s arms wrapped around you and you stood there, holding onto him for dear life. 

“Well that makes two of us then.” Michael’s casual comment had your knees go weak and you let out a weak laugh. 

“Thank you Ash.” You finally murmured when you pulled away from Calum. Ashton didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you in a warm hug that was both comforting and reassuring. 

“Hey, you’ve been the best thing for my best mate. And you were friends with Luke once before. I’ve definitely got your back. And I get why you didn’t say anything and don’t hold that against you.” He muttered and you breathed a sigh of relief before returning to Calum’s embrace. 

“More drinks or are we gonna go back to Luke’s?” And you shook your head. 

“Let’s stay. I’m not gonna let her ruin it,” you leaned forwards so your lips were by his ear as the others went inside, “also I want to see if we can christen the bar in one of the toilets.” You breathed. Calum groaned as his grip around you got tighter and he pulled you in for a kiss that promised more. 

“Oh you’re so fucked sweetheart. Especially since I know where the individual lips are and they aren’t attended by anyone.” You held back a moan at that thought before pulling away, your hand in his. 

“Dance first?” And the innocence in your tone made him laugh as he followed behind you willingly. 

“Menace.” The term was laced with affection as he caught up to you, kissing the spot just below your ear. 

You simply grinned in return as you pulled him onto the dance floor, Poppy long forgotten as he danced with you. 

-

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[milk-ache]

Ohhhhh God ohhh God

As if I couldn't find a reason to hate myself even more!!!! Fu c k

So its kinda apparent I have this whole lainpilled femcë11 shit going on and yeah im kinda embarrassed by it but it also fed into my superiority complex that im also very ashamed of. Well I was reading some discourse on tiktok about how this culture is bred from basically fetishizing eastern culture and my stomach dropped at that.... upon some introspection I realized and this is hard for me to admit, that its true to an extent. its so important to analyze wtf youre into, I didn't realize that I was partaking in this behavior and its making me really sad and disappointed in myself. Never ever take your interests to equate a fuckin quirky personality or that it makes u different from the rest, cuz at the end of the day, im just a loser dick without any friends who buys too much into the creep by radiohead mentality further perpetuating not only my own loserness but harmful cultural myths about other ethnic groups and thats just some backwards fuckery. I will not take myself so seriously. I know that its ok to like "femcell" media, but from here on out, I will be reviewing what it is that I find appealing and if there are any, sorry but I have to say it, problematic reasons for liking said interests. Holy shit im so sorry, I dont want to be insufferable im sorry.