#im also avoiding caffeine if i can but its like

[storm-of-feathers]

im tired as fuck I haven't slept right (like even for me) in weeks and it's having a toll

[sweeterthanficstion]

— twelve dates 'til christmas || l.s.k ⋆⁺₊❅.

christmas party / fake relationship / re2r leon! ❆ for @leonsecretsanta event! ❆ gift for @calbloodypigeon ! <3

tags: no outbreak au, rookie leon, journalist reader, gn reader but if i've accidentally missed something please let me know so i can fix it up! --- lots of stupid hallmark christmas cliches, heavily inspired by how to lose a guy in 10 days.

summary: when the leads you're chasing for your feature article for the local paper have gone ice cold, and you've just about given up hope, the rpd's newest rookie shows up like a christmas miracle and proposes a deal that might just save you. or blow up in your face.

word count: 6.1k --- i know i went over the word count IM SO SORRY 😭

a/n: CAL! HI! i'm SO beyond sorry this is late, i fucked up the timings so bad and stupidly miscalculated how much time i had left to finalise this and then i got roped into my own christmas fiasco so i was RACING against the clock to try get this out asap. BUT i hope you like it regardless!! i saw re2r leon as your wild card and my eyes LIT UP!! this was such a pleasure to write, i absolutely love writing rookie leon! (also yes i know the twelve days of christmas technically come after christmas day but shhhh) anyway, hope you have a wonderful christmas!! lots of love, amber xx

masterlist⭑AO3

It starts with a faulty office printer and a burnt cup of coffee.

You stare pitifully at the cup of coffee in your hand—if you can even call it that anymore. Half empty and completely unsalvageable, the acrid smell lingers in the break room like some unwelcome ghost of Christmas caffeine. If only you hadn’t slept through your alarm this morning, you could’ve avoided the morning rush (since it seems that nobody in Raccoon City knows how to drive through snow), and made a good cup of coffee to accompany you for the day instead of having to fight the shitty office coffee machine instead.

With a half-hearted sigh you turn the mug over and dump its contents into the bin, watching forlornly as the liquid soaks through shredded paper and old protein bar wrappers instead.

“Bad morning?” One of your coworkers, Claire, quips from across the way. A perfectly fine cup of coffee sits on her desk in a mug that reads Journalists do It With Integrity! 

You shoot her a withering glare, but before you can deliver any sort of witty remark, the printer across the room coughs out a single sheet of crumpled paper, and promptly dies. 

“Bad week,” you mutter, running a hand down your face before stalking towards the offending machine. 

The office, already buzzing with the chaos of holiday deadlines, feels like it’s working entirely against you. The case you’ve been chasing—a string of thefts tied to the Raccoon City holiday markets—has gone ice cold. Your editor is breathing down your neck for a feature piece that you can’t write without new leads. You’ve got twelve days left, twelve days until your editor wants that final copy on her desk.

And now the printer has decided to stage a mutiny. Just your luck.

You try to print out the documents again, but when the printer does nothing but splutter, and kicking it doesn’t seem to work, you decide maybe it just needs new ink.

You’re about halfway through jamming your hand into its guts when a voice, sweet yet awkward, startles you. You hit your head on the way up, only to find yourself staring into a pair of warm blue eyes beneath a mop of golden hair. 

He’s wearing a leather jacket over a navy button-down, his badge clipped to his belt. He looks familiar, like someone you might’ve run into at the bullpen when you’re down at the RPD.

“Uh, need a hand?” he tilts his head, same awkward smile unfaltering.

“I’ve got it,” you say, though you clearly don’t. The printer lets out a final, pathetic whine before dying completely. Well, now you just look stupid.

He grins, the kind of lopsided, sheepish smile that makes him look younger than he probably is. “Guess that’s a no.”

You sigh, looking over your shoulder to catch Claire hiding a smile behind her mug. You fold your arms. “Sorry, can I help you?”

“Names Leon,” He introduces himself, and it all clicks into place for you. This is the RPD’s newest rookie. The guy Claire’s been yapping your ear off about Chris yapping her ear off about. “I’m just dropping off some paperwork. But, uh… I overheard you talking to your editor earlier. You’re working on the market thefts, right?”

Your eyes narrow. “And what’s it to you?”

Leon raises his hands in mock surrender at your scathing tone, the picture of good-natured defensiveness. “Nothing! Just thought you might want some… unofficial insight. Off the record, of course.”

Your skepticism doesn’t waver. “Why would a rookie like you have anything I can’t get from public records?”

Leon hesitates for a moment, as if deciding how much to say. “I’ve been helping out on the case. They’ve got me running reports, talking to market vendors, stuff like that. Not exactly glamorous work, but I’ve been hearing things that don’t make it into the official write-ups.”

Now you’re interested. RPD isn’t exactly known for transparency, you know that much. You also know better than most that a lot can slip through the cracks of “official” documentation.

“What’s the catch?” you ask, suspicious.

Leon shifts, “Well, uh… There’s this Christmas party at the precinct. And I might have mentioned to my coworkers that I was bringing a date.”

You blink. “You’re blackmailing me with case information to play your fake-datw at a cop Christmas party?”

“It’s not blackmail!” Leon protests, his ears turning red. “It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. You get your story, and I… avoid being the precinct punchline for another year.”

You’re still sceptical, but the desperation in his voice softens your resolve. Saying no to him right now would be like kicking a poor puppy.

You stare at him for a moment, weighing your options. It’s ridiculous, sure, but then again, so is everything else in your life right now.

“Fine,” you say finally, sticking out your hand. “Twelve days. You give me what I need, and I’ll be the best fake date you’ve ever had.”

Leon shakes your hand with a grin, relief written all over his face. “Deal.”

And just like that, the countdown begins.

On the second day of Christmas, Leon sends you flowers.

Big ones. Loud ones. The kind of bouquet you’d expect to see at a wedding reception or an apology press conference. They’re wrapped in glittering gold paper—Poinsettias, as Claire so graciously points out.

“Looks like someone’s got an admirer,” she singsongs, loud enough for half the floor to hear.

Your stomach drops. There, sitting right in the middle of your disaster zone of a desk, is the offending bouquet. It’s massive, covered in festive bells and ribbon, and the card sticking out of it reads:

“To my Christmas angel. – L.”

You mutter a silent prayer to whatever God might be listening, snatching the card up like it might explode before anyone else might see. Your coworkers are already murmuring around you, though, so that seems like a bit of a lost cause.

Claire leans back in her chair, still grinning. “So when were you gonna tell me you’re dating someone?”

“Firstly, that is none of your business,” you snap, grabbing the entire bouquet in a desperate attempt to get it out of sight. The glitter gets everywhere, including your coat, your desk, and, somehow, your coffee. “And secondly—” You start, but backtrack when you remember that the deal you struck with Leon may require some confidentiality. Damn you for not figuring out boundaries sooner. “—that is also none of your business.”

You turn on your heel and you don’t stop moving until you’re outside the building, your fingers already dialing a number you swore to yourself you wouldn’t use unless absolutely necessary.

Leon picks up on the third ring. “Hey! What’s up?”

“Don’t you ‘what’s up’ me,” you hiss, pacing in the cold December air. “What the hell were you thinking sending me flowers? To my office?”

Leon hesitates for a second, and you can almost hear him cringing through the phone. “Uh, I thought it’d make things more… believable?”

You stop in your tracks. “Believable?”

“Yeah! You know, if people saw that you’re, like, dating someone, it might help sell the whole… thing.” His voice trails off, and there’s a pause before he adds, quieter, “Was it too much?”

“Too much?” you echo, your own voice rising in disbelief. “It’s not even lunchtime and I’ve already been asked twice if I’m engaged. At least take me to dinner first!”

There’s a beat of silence on his end before he says, “Okay. Let’s do it.”

You stop in your tracks. “Do what?”

“Dinner,” Leon says, like it’s obvious. “Tomorrow. You said I should take you to dinner, so… I’ll take you to dinner.”

You blink, your annoyance faltering for a second, only to give way to mild confusion. “Are you asking me out, or are you making this part of the deal?”

“Can’t it be both?” 

You’re not sure if it’s the cold or the sheer absurdity of the situation that makes you smile, but you sigh and say, “Fine. Dinner. But you’re picking the place, and it better not be one of those sad 24-hour diners cops hang out in.”

Leon laughs, the sound warm enough to cut through the winter chill. “Deal.”

On the third day of Christmas, Leon takes you to dinner.

And yes, it is a sad diner.

It’s the kind of place that looks like it hasn’t updated its decor since the 70s, with faded garlands drooping from the light fixtures and a suspiciously sticky Rudolph figurine parked on the counter. Which is fine, in honesty. It’s perfect for this not-date, because that’s what this is. Not a date. Absolutely nothing about this screams romance.

Well, except maybe the crooked twig of mistletoe hanging over the entrance, but even that you’d pointedly avoided much to Leon’s amusement.

“So, remind me what I’m doing here,” you hum, pushing around your leftover pancakes on your plate. Leave it to Leon to convince you pancakes for dinner is an entirely acceptable meal choice.

“Well, we’re on a date,” Leon states matter-of-factly.

Across from you, he looks all too comfortable. You, on the other hand, feel like you’ve just agreed to help pull Santa’s sleigh blindfolded.

“Yeah, well, a date’s pushing it, rookie,” You all but scoff, setting your fork down before meeting his gaze properly. “Look, if we’re gonna do this, we probably need to set some ground rules.”

Leon raises a brow, lips curving into a half-smile, “You’re serious? This isn’t Fight Club.”

“Can’t believe you just broke the first rule of Fight Club,” you shoot back, matching his half-smile with your own self-satisfied one. “Okay, first off, who gets to know?”

“That this is fake? No one,” Leon says all too firmly, “I don’t need this blowing up in my face.”

“Likewise,” you hum. “Okay, next, how often are we gonna see each other outside of office hours? Are we really trying to sell this?”

“Well a coffee or two wouldn’t hurt,” Leon suggest. “And, uh… Physical stuff?” He asks, a generous blush dusting his cheeks.

You can’t hide your smile. “Afraid to hold my hand or something?”

“No! No— just… Don’t want to make this any more awkward than it has to be.”

“Alright, so no kissing unless absolutely necessary. And I’m talking someone-shoves-us-under-mistletoe-and-starts-chanting levels of necessary.”

He lets out a laugh, soft and boyish, and you can’t help but feel the corners of your mouth tug upwards.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas Leon takes you ice-skating. Well… Sort of.

You’d come to pick up some paperwork about the Christmas Market case Leon had promised you—an errand you figured would be quick and painless. No mingling, no unnecessary chit-chat, and absolutely no run-ins with anyone who might make this fake-dating charade any harder than it has to be.

The first hiccup comes the second you step into the precinct. You immediately spot him, leaning against the reception desk with an easy grin, chatting with some colleagues. You only recognise one of them, from the photo sitting on Claire’s desk no-less. Chris Redfield. The woman beside him, who’s donning a festive antler headband, looks oddly familiar as well, though you can’t quite place it.

Fantastic. Just what you needed.

“Leon!” you call, keeping your tone as casual as possible. You walk briskly, plastering on a tight-lipped smile, trying your best not to look like a deer caught in the headlights and to very pointedly avoid any eye-contact with Chris.

Leon turns at the sound of your voice, his expression brightening instantly. “Oh, hey! What’re you doing here?”

“Paperwork,” you reply, holding up the empty manila folder in your hand like it’s your golden ticket out of this situation. “You said you’d have it ready for me?”

Before Leon can answer, the woman next to Chris perks up—it’s then you recognise her as none other than Jill Valentine. You chalk it up to the antlers making it hard to recognise her.

“Paperwork? Wait, is this who you were talking about?” She elbows Leon in the ribs, earning a flustered yelp from him.

“What?” you echo, narrowing your eyes. Great, so he's already started mentioning you to colleagues.

Chris leans forward, “Wait, you’re Leon’s partner?”

You feel your stomach drop, the word partner ricocheting around your brain like a pinball. 

Leon is already mid-spiral, his cheeks flushed red as he stammers out a reply. “Well, I didn’t say that— I mean, I said some of that, but not like that!”

Jill crosses her arms, smirking. “Well, now we have to meet you! What are you two doing tonight?”

“Nothing!” you and Leon blurt at the same time, a little too loudly.

Chris raises an eyebrow, exchanging a glance with Jill before grinning even wider. “Perfect. You guys should come ice skating with us tonight, most of the Precinct will be there.”

Your mouth opens, ready to reject the idea outright, but Leon beats you to it.

“That sounds great!” he says, his voice breaking slightly on the last word. Stupid, stupid, stupid. If you could hit him over the head with this manilla folder right now, you would.

“Great,” Jill says, clapping her hands together. “Meet us at the rink at around seven tonight.”

“What the hell was that?” you hiss once both Chris and Jill have had enough teasing and they’re out of earshot.

“I panicked!” Leon whispers back, looking genuinely apologetic.

“You just signed us up for the least romantic fake date activity imaginable.” You sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. “You owe me so much for this, rookie.”

“I’ll buy you hot chocolate?” Leon tries, sweet boyish smile and all. You hate how you feel your resolve begin to soften already.

 “You better make it with extra marshmallows.”

He nods, his expression softening as his smile melts into something tentative yet determined. “Deal.”

You’ve decided you don’t like ice skating. Chalk that up to the fact you haven’t been to the rink since you were eight and using a push-along penguin to keep you upright.

“This is fine,” you mutter under your breath, wobbling precariously as you step onto the ice. “Totally fine. Nothing humiliating about face-planting on ice.”

“You’ve got this!” Leon cheers from a few feet away, his enthusiasm wildly misplaced considering he’s not doing much better. He looks like a newborn deer, legs flailing every time he tries to take a step.

“Don’t patronize me,” you hiss back, gripping the railing like your life depends on it.

Behind you, Jill glides past with all the effortless grace of an Olympic figure skater, followed closely by Chris—who despite a few wobbles—isn’t much worse. They’re laughing at something—probably you and Leon—but you’re too busy trying to avoid an embarrassing collision with the ice to care.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Leon says, inching toward you with the kind of determination usually reserved for hostage negotiations. “You let go of the rail, and I’ll catch you if you fall.”

He looks just about as stupid as he sounds, you decide. “That’s assuming you don’t fall first.”

He grins, cheeks ruddy from the cold. “Have a little faith, would you?”

Against your better judgment, you release your grip on the rail, immediately flailing as your skates slide out from under you.

Leon lunges to catch you—a valiant effort, truly—which would be heroic if it didn’t result in both of you landing in a tangled heap on the ice.

“Well, that could’ve gone better.” Leon groans, pushing himself to his knees and wincing.

“You think?” you say, trying—and failing—to suppress a laugh as you roll onto your side. Your knees are sore, your pride is bruised, but when you look over at Leon—cheeks flushed, smile sheepish— it all feels a little less mortifying.

“Here,” he says, extending a hand to help you up, and there’s something strangely endearing about the gesture. You hesitate for a moment before taking it, letting him pull you to your feet. He doesn’t let go right away, steadying you as you find your balance.

“You okay?” he asks, his voice softer now.

“Yeah,” you reply, surprised to find that you actually mean it.

And somewhere between all of this chaos a group of kids barrels past, laughing as they race each other in a blur of neon jackets and mis-matched scarves. You and Leon instinctively jump out of their way, your skates sliding in all the wrong directions. You nearly crash into him again, grabbing his arm for balance as he steadies both of you.

And suddenly, you’re close. Closer than you’ve been all night.

His face is just inches from yours, his breath visible in soft clouds in the frigid air. His cheeks are bitten by the cold, his boyish grin tugging at his lips, and his eyes—God, his eyes—are the kind of blue that could rival a frosted winter’s lake.

You swallow hard, heart giving a little flutter you’d rather not think about. Brushing it off with a laugh, you take a step back, releasing his arm. “Okay, new rule: avoid the speed demons at all costs.”

“Agreed,” Leon says, but his voice a little softer now, his gaze a little firmer.

The rest of the night is chaos, as expected, and by the time you stumble off the ice, breathless and pink-cheeked, you’re smiling so wide and genuine that your cheeks hurt from it all.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Leon comes over for a very professional movie night. 

The plan was simple enough: a low-key night to sort through leads and discuss the finer details of the article. Nothing more than that. Just two friends (are you even really friends?) mocking bad Hallmark movie tropes and terrible one-liners. But—as fate would have it—somewhere between the half-hearted scribbles in your notebook and the opening credits of the first movie, the evening takes a sharp left turn.

Popcorn crumbs litter the coffee table, and the air hums with laughter as you and Leon pick apart every ridiculous trope on the screen.

“New rule,” you declare, pointing at the screen with a handful of popcorn. “No more movies where the leads magically fall in love because of forced proximity. It's lazy writing.”

Leon raises a brow, smiling at you over his mug of cocoa. “Do you just... make up rules for everything?”

You shoot him a look, though your lips twitch in betrayal. “Rules are important. They keep things from going off the rails.”

“Sure they do,” he says, grinning. “But I think you might have a thing for them. Maybe it’s your love language”

You toss a kernel of popcorn at him, which he catches with an annoyingly quick reflex. The movie continues, but your attention drifts, his sweet smile lingering in your thoughts longer than you’d care to admit, and all at once you want to suffocate yourself with a pillow.

By the time the credits have rolled, the conversation has veered wildly away from work and movies. You find yourself talking about everything and nothing between here and there, the space separating you both narrowing in a way that feels very not-professional. Your leg brushes against his and his hand brushes against yours.

You didn’t make a new rule about that. Maybe you should have.

On the eighth day of Christmas, you finally chase down some of those leads for your article. 

Or at least, you try to.

The holiday market is bustling with lights, laughter, and the scent of cinnamon and roasted chestnuts. It’s picturesque enough to be a postcard: striped tents draped in garlands, vendors bundled in scarves, and the faint hum of Christmas carols floating through the crisp evening air.

You’re here for work. This is professional business. Totally, totally.

“Professional” is exactly why you’re letting Leon lead you to a vendor handing out roasted chestnuts in steaming paper cones.

You raise a brow at him. “Seriously?”

“You’ve gotta try them. It’s tradition.” He says as if it’d be crazy to deny him.

And before you can even think about protesting, he’s already handing you a cone, the warmth seeping through your gloves as you eye the chestnuts—then him—warily. You pop a few in your mouth, only to find yourself pleasantly surprised.

“Good, right?” he asks, smug as anything. You scrunch your nose in response.

Next is funnel cake. Leon orders one to share, dusting himself in powdered sugar as he pulls off a piece and offers it to you.

“I could’ve got my own,” you reason, but take what he offers you anyway.

“Well that wouldn’t make me a very good date.”

“Fake-date,” you correct.

“Uhuh,” Leon hums, but he’s not even looking at you when you glance back up at him, already dragging you towards the next stall, and the next. 

“I’m serious!” You call after him, trying to keep up as he weaves through the crowd like he’s trained to do this. Well, he probably is.

You don’t even realise how long it’s been until you're walking past empty market stalls, every other vendor packing up for the night. Leon leads you out into the street, strings of warm white lights swaying gently in the winter breeze.

Leon’s hands are stuffed into his coat pockets as the two of you walk side by side, your boots crunching softly against the thin dusting of snow on the pavement.

The streets are mostly empty now, save for a few stragglers heading home, but Leon leads you straight into the middle of the road without a second thought. You hesitate for half a second, glancing both ways like a habit.

“There’s no one out here,” he says over his shoulder, that lazy grin curling at the corners of his mouth. “You’re not scared of breaking the rules, are you?”

“Isn’t it your job to enforce rules?” You argue, but follow after him anyway.

When you tilt your head up, you feel the breath escape your lungs all at once. “You can actually see the stars tonight,” you murmur softly in awe, your breath clouding in the cold.

Leon doesn’t say anything right away, but when you glance over, you catch him watching you instead of the sky, his gaze softer than you’re used to. He quickly looks up, clearing his throat as if he hadn’t just been caught.

You don’t know what’s worse: the way his cheeks flush from something other than the cold or the fact that your stomach flutters in response.

And you don’t know what to do with the quiet that stretches between you, either, the sound of your steps filling it up like placeholders. You hadn’t meant for the day to linger this long—hadn’t meant to still be here, walking home with him.

Leon breaks the silence first. “You know, I thought you’d be sick of me by now.”

You glance over at him, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, I am.”

He laughs then, genuine and bright. “Oh thank God, I’d hate for this to actually be enjoyable for either of us.” Sarcasm laces his words in a way that makes you laugh in kind.

He’s grinning like he’s got all the time in the world as he turns to walk backward in front of you, and suddenly all at once this feels like something out of one of those Hallmark Christmas movies you swore to yourself you’d never recreate. 

“You still haven’t thanked me for helping you today.” He says.

“Helping me?” you snort. “All you did was get funnel cake powder on my coat and in my cocoa.”

“Hey,  I got you a quote from the candy vendor, didn’t I?” he defends, arms spreading wide.

“You mean the guy who told us about his grandma’s cookie recipe?”

“Hard-hitting stuff,” he shrugs.

You shake your head, but you’re smiling, and you hate that he notices. He spins back around to face the road ahead, walking a little slower now, like he’s dragging his feet.

“So,” you say after a moment, picking up your pace to fall back into step with him. “Why do you care so much about this Christmas party, anyway?”

Leon doesn’t answer right away. You glance over, and the grin that’s usually on his face has faded into something smaller, quieter.

“Guess I just… don’t want to look like a total loser,” he says eventually, his voice low but even. “It’s been a long first year. People talk.”

You frown at that. “They don’t have anything better to do at the RPD?”

“Apparently not.” He shrugs like it doesn’t bother him, but you can tell it does, at least a little.

The two of you walk in silence for another block, and when you speak again, your tone is softer. “You know, you could’ve asked someone who actually likes you to be your date.”

Leon glances over, and for some reason, his answer catches you off guard. “Yeah,” he says quietly, “but then it wouldn’t have been you.”

You look away too quickly, your chest tightening in a way you can’t explain. He doesn’t elaborate, and you don’t push him for more.

Instead, you both keep walking, the street stretching out ahead of you, the night colder and clearer than it’s been in weeks. The faint glow of your building comes into view up ahead, and for a moment, you wish it was just a little farther away.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Leon does something so absurd you briefly consider chucking him—and his ridiculous ideas—into a snowbank.

Leon shows up at your door, determined and annoyingly cheerful, with a Christmas tree strapped to the roof of his car and a twinkle in his eye that should’ve been your first warning. You don’t have the heart to turn him away or give him a lecture about how this is breaking at least three of your fake-dating rules.

Dragging the tree up the stairs is a disaster, his optimism only barely keeping the whole endeavor from collapsing. Decorating it? Worse. Leon’s enthusiasm for tinsel is unmatched, his ornament selection downright offensive. A plastic Rudolph here, a lopsided snowman there—it’s a full-scale disaster in red, green, and glitter.

By the end of the night, the tree looks more like a festive crime scene, fairy lights as police-tape and all, but you can’t bring yourself to care. The two of you collapse as you both watch the twinkling lights. A ribbon is tangled in your hair; Leon has tinsel stuck to his sleeve. The quiet settles in like freshly fallen snow, and for a moment, you forget this isn’t supposed to feel real.

You spent the eleventh night at Leon’s place. It was his idea to go over the finalities of this agreement, set your story straight in case anybody at the party asks too many questions. Make sure you're both on the same page.

But when you rocked up at his little studio apartment, it felt like he’d compensated for much more than a quick flashcard night.

Cinnamon scented candles burned and flicker, accompanied by a plate of cookies on the counter. Your half-crumpled notes quickly joined, as well as two cups of cocoa that have long-since gone cold.

“Alright, one more time, how’d we meet?”

Leon props his head up on his palm, looking like he’s had more than enough of your pointless flashcard game. “Coffee shop. You spilled hot chocolate on me, laughed, then walked away.”

“I offered to buy you a replacement!” You shoot back, hitting him atop the head with your stack of cards.

He winces dramatically, swatting our hand away. “Well I think it’s more believable if I pretend you didn’t and you bicker back. Y’know, like an old married couple or something.”

You reach for your cold cocoa to hide the way you splutter. “Woah, rookie, I only signed up for a fake-date, not a fake-wedding too.”

Leon grins, but something about him still looks oddly distant.

He kicks his feet off the barstool, takes your cup of cocoa and his to clean them away. “Have you finished your article at least?”

“Nearly,” You hum, but you’re more lying through your teeth. You’ve barely worked on it despite all the extra input Leon’s given you. Something, something, a very distracting Christmas fiasco got in your way. “I should be done by the end of the week.”

“And what happens once it’s done?” He asks, and you know in your right mind he means what happens to you. Promotion? New story? Next assignment? But instead your mind stupidly jumps to the idea that he’s asking about the both of you. What happens to us? written between the lines in invisible ink.

“Well, I suppose I find a new story to chase.” You clear your throat, “and you?”

“Go back to handing out speeding tickets,” Leon smiles through a sigh, “and I guess we drop this whole fake-dating thing, huh?” He asks, and you refuse to let yourself believe there’s any hope in his voice.

“Don’t see a reason to keep it going,” you shrug, to which Leon simply nods.

“Anyway, don’t try changing the subject on me,” you clear your throat, shuffling back through your pile of cards. “Next question: what’s my favourite holiday tradition?”

Leon shelves the now clean and dried mugs, “stealing Christmas cookies when no one’s looking.” He hums smugly over his shoulder.

You blink, “I never told you that.”

“Don’t need to, I pay attention.” He grins, pointedly flicking his gaze to the now empty plate of cookies. But you’re still hung on his words, the casual admission throws you entirely off kilter, and it seems by the twelfth day he still has you feeling that way.

You feel entirely out of place standing in the RPD. The precinct is sparkling with every Hallmark Christmas cliche imaginable—oversized tinsel, plastic mistletoe (that you’re still doing your best to avoid), and a garishly large tree that stands off to the side, completed by a shining white angel on top. 

Leon, of course, has dressed the part. And damn him for looking so good in a navy suit and deep red tie to match your own attire. His presence is steady when you feel out of depth—it’s funny how he does that, despite usually being the one who requires an anchor.

“Are you alright?” He asks, leaning closer to be heard over the obnoxiously loud Christmas music. His voice is low, warm, entirely too distracting. 

“Fine,” you lie with a sickly sweet smile, downing the last of your punch, “totally fine.”

Leon doesn’t buy it, and you’re starting to think he’s getting too good at reading you (which is your job, not his), but before he can press any further, your worst nightmare seems to come to fruition.

You're pulled then pushed, and before you can register what’s even happened you're colliding with Leon’s chest.

“Mistletoe,” he mutters, and when you finally lift your gaze you catch the offending sprig. Jesus Christ.

Honestly, this is your fault. You should’ve accounted for something like this. Nothing like a good bit of rookie hazing at a work party, right? Dammit. The rest of the precinct seems to cheer and chant, and you’d foolishly thought you’d left this behaviour behind in high school. 

God, you wish the ground would part beneath your feet and swallow you whole right now—

“Well, this doesn’t break any of your rules, does it?” Leon asks then, and you can hear the smile in his voice, something about the way he says it makes it sound like he knows the answer.

And he does. Because if Leon’s good at one thing it’s remembering the finer details. No kissing unless absolutely necessary, you’d said. Like someone-shoves-us-under-mistletoe-and-starts-chanting levels of necessary, you’d said.

Okay, now you really want the ground to swallow you up.

Leon seems to pick up on your unease, and ever the gentleman drowns out the obnoxious chanting of his colleagues to focus on you.

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he offers.

You shake your head. “It’s part of the deal.” You say firmly. You’re not going to back down now, you’re a stickler for rules, deals, and contracts. Totally not because you’ve been wondering what Leon’s lips might taste like for the past five minutes. Totally.

He counts you down, which feels stupid, but does actually help quell your nerves. What doesn’t help, though, is the way his hand slides to your jaw and his lips slot against yours so effortlessly. You forget the world exists, heart beating out of your chest before you let yourself melt into it, your own arms looping around his neck just before he pulls away.

He’s got blush on his cheeks, his eyes bright, smiling widely like he’s just one the powerball. And suddenly, all at once, your brain catches up to your heart and you realise how none of this seems to feel fake anymore.

Three days later, and your article had gone live that morning. Your editor had been quick to praise it, Claire more than proud when she’d shown up with a mini Christmas gift basket for you. But still, as the day wore on, the victory felt hollow. The article might have just been your best work, but now that the dust—or snow, rather—has settled, all you can think about is Leon and the strange ache left in his absence.

You glance out the window of your tiny office, the skyline glittering with holiday lights. It’s quiet, save for the distant hum of the city and the rhythmic tapping of your pen against your desk.

“You know, I expected a little more Christmas cheer from the person who just saved Christmas,” a familiar voice says.

You jump, spinning around in your squeaky office chair to find Leon leaning casually in your doorway. He’s dressed down from the last time you saw him after the party, his leather jacket slung over one shoulder, but the sight of him is enough to send your heart racing.

“What are you doing here?” you ask, your voice caught somewhere between surprise and something softer.

“I was in the neighborhood,” he shrugs, pushing himself off the cubicle wall and stepping inside.

You raise a brow. “The precinct is five blocks away.”

“Exactly,” he says with a grin. “Neighborhood.”

You roll your eyes but can’t stop the smile tugging at your lips. He steps closer still, and you feel the air shift.

“Look,” he starrs, running a hand through his hair like he’s still trying to work up the courage. “The other night, you said that after this was over, we wouldn’t have to see each other again.”

You swallow hard, your heart already knowing where this is going but your mind refusing to believe it. You remember how casually you’d thrown that out there, as if the thought hadn’t stung more than you cared to admit. “Yeah. I remember.”

“Well, I don’t want that,” he says simply.

Your breath hitches, but he keeps on going.

“I don’t want to go back to pretending this was all fake,” he continues, his voice steady but his eyes searching yours. “Because it might’ve started that way, but it didn’t end that way—not for me.”

The words hang in the air like softly drifting snowflakes, fragile and perfect, waiting for you to catch them.

“Leon…” you try, but your voice falters.

“I know,” he cuts in quickly. “I know this wasn’t the plan. But plans change, right? Rules get broken—and I know you hate that but hear me out—if there’s one thing I’ve learned these past twelve days, it’s that maybe breaking a rule or two isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

You laugh softly then despite yourself, a mix of nerves and something lighter. “You do realize you’re ruining my perfectly crafted narrative, right? Fake dating, falling in love…” you click your tongue, “this is all so cliché.”

He grins, stepping closer until there is almost no space left between you. “Then let’s give it a good ending.”

Before you can even give what he’s said a minute of thought, his hand is on your jaw again, his lips meeting yours in a kiss that’s unhurried and undeniably real.

When he finally pulls back, he stays close, his forehead resting against yours. “So,” he hums, his voice soft and teasing, “how’s that for a rewrite?”

You can’t help but laugh, your chest light for the first time in days. “It’s a start.”

The city sparkles outside as you stand there, snowflakes fall, the faint hum of Christmas carols from the office speakers bleed with the quiet rhythm of his breathing. Whatever comes next, you know one thing is for sure: this story isn’t over yet.

likes n reblogs r very much appreciated <3

[i-kno-u-want-2-luv-me-sm]

transpsychosis tips from a cispsychotic<3

im rly paranoid abt being watched or ig rly j being seen when i dont want 2. im always adjusting my brightnesss and body position and tabs/tab groups 2 avoid it being visible 2 others. (especially in cases of fearing judgement/backlash)

psychotic ppl often have reversed sleep schedules !! im more hyperactive @ nite and dazed during the day, and use caffeine 2 get thru

^^energy drinks also make your thoughts more disorganized and you more hyper.

be picky over a few trivial things. for ex if im writing, there are times where i randomly rly dont like how a few of my letters look i have 2 rewrite them until theyre "fixed" or i stop obsessing

this is pretty similar 2 tha above point, but finding comfort in odd things n honing in on ur weird thought patterns/associations. things like numbers u like more than others, or finding comfort in checking ur work a million times (which can b a result of disorganized thoughts && hyperactivity)

when looking around, try 2 b more alert and oberservant about it (as if checking that ur delusions/paranoia/hallucinations arent actually happening)

check that oddball things arent ur fault, for example i saw my cuzin today 4 the first time this week and am for some reason checking 4 any way i might have caused his random ass allergic reaction

b open (online, irl, wtv u want) abt your weird fears or paranoia !! it could be euphoric 4 others 2 see them or just to have known you said it somewhere

also!! ^_^

if ur sum1 who experiences derealization, u already have psychotic traits ! if ur obsessive or keep a lot of tabs on certain ppl, u already have psychotic traits ! even if its j stalking sum1s blog. if ur an insomniac, u already have psychotic traits ! if u isolate, especiall if u find it v important to isolate urself, u already have psychotic traits !!!!

[ryanwritesfanfiction]

Random Chase Davenport Headcanons

a/n i havent seen the series in the a rlly long time also idk if there is any demand for this or lab rats in general but im gonna write anyway :P

ps: i might write more of these idk yet

hes really scared of heights

collects and restores vintage tech/ videogames

leaves rlly long reviews in letterboxd (no one reads them)

bc of his super intelligence he's really good at predicting the stock market (has a very diverse porfolio)

secretly likes sitcoms (eg tbbt and community) but tells everyone tv is frivolous

he like to watch telenovelas

he reads fanfiction and eventually writes some bc he thinks he can do it better (he does)

he likes to keep true to his training schedule and stuff but really likes traveling and learning about other cultures from experiencing it first hand and speaks the language of wtv country hes in

avoids caffeine bc he had a redbull once and was up for hours (it prolly messed w his bionics like in ep 1 with the bell)

he didnt like the iron man trilogy bc it reminded him too much of Mr. Davenport

he took the bar exam just bc he could but he doesnt really use it, more just for bragging rights

he is sooo nosy and gossipy hes basically a teenage girl

doesnt really drink anything other than water and like diet coke on special occasions

has go bags hidden ~everywhere~

dyed his hair black once (eveyone made fun of him so he never changed his hair again)

tries to use modern slang and references but is rlly bad at them

bree made him watch all the pitch perfect movies w her and he pretended to not like them but he loved them

he doesn't like driving but he especially doesn't like driving with other people in the car

he wear sunscreen every day bc he's scared of skin cancer

he sends texts in grammatically correct sentences

he doesn't like to drink but when he does its like rlly fruity drinks

he tried to pick up skateboarding once but fell and hurt his knee and didn't do it ever again

[rosearcanaeum]

(Ten) people I'd like to know better

Tagged by: @screechingfromthevoid <3

Last song: Far From Me by Chase Noseworthy is just on repeat. Sad boy Vax and perfect for my range!

Favorite color: it really depends on context honestly. But the most general is soft pink.

Last book: 😅 I've been struggling through Nein Eyes of Lucien for a while.... more honestly its Call of the Netherdeep and Explorers Guide to Wildemount. I truely read far more fanfic than anything else.

Last movie: I watched Night at the Museum for the first time this week. It was waaaaaay better than I ever imagined. I knew it was good and funny. It was also incredibly sincere and I can't get enough of that.

Last show: speaking of sincere, I'm about halfway through Frieren: beyond journey's end. And holy shit! I have never seen any media with a character who views and interacts with death the way i do. Its pretty heavy as shows go but its trustworthy. (I have a hard time with new stuff most of the time. Cr is one exception and this is too apparently)

Sweet/spicy/savory: no joke I've eaten salt before lol. But i prefer combos or all 3. Sweet spicy is underrated.

Relationship status: I live with my queer platonic partner. Its still just buckwild to me. As a kid i hated the idea of living with a partner cuz i didnt want so many aspects of what i was told that looked like. But hey guess what, y'all can decide what your relationships look like. We have separate rooms, are not sexually involved, rarely even touch tbh. And we love each other very much and want to grow old together in a house with cats.

They're touch averse and I'm sensory seeking. My fun Sunday night (out dancing) is their nightmare. But because we are who we are and how we understand and communicate in our relationship we rely on each other for only things that are available. I'll tell them all the dumb shit i see and do on Grindr and we'll sit on the couch and knit together.

Also my brain nearly explodes everytime I realize not only do we do couple stuff, we have couple friends we do couple stuff with. 18 year old me would have never believed you if you told them.

Last thing I looked up: I looked up the caffeine content of the thai tea concentrate I got my partner to see if i could try it. And shockingly i should be able to. Still gonna eat first and be careful though.

Current obsession: I'm pretty spread out rn, unusually. Ive got a sweater im excited about. And I'm on my 3rd attempt at a dorym water bottle sleeve I'm designing. This one should work now. Honestly dorym is probably no. 1 on my list. I shipped that back in exu, along with a bunch of stuff cuz I'm a delightful multishipper. So i feel particularly excited about dorym finally taking off. But also that while dorian was always looking to orym if anything else had come along he was there for the ride. I love robbie so so much. He is such a good character storyteller!

Looking forward to: today im hanging with 2 friends im usually in a larger group with so thats gonna be fun. Looking forward to baking off the beef wellingtons i made for my partner for xmas. And im looking forward to being able to work full time again in the new year. Ive been on part time for health reasons and stayed because i was spending hours on the phone fighting for insurance coverage. Now that both a done i can work more. I love my job and its a particular kind of boredom that i get when i cant work. Lol speaking of, im looking forward to the holidays being over. The office closures normally screw us but now im only working thurs fri for the next 2 weeks and I'll have try really hard to keep busy enough. At least my partner has 2 of the days off with me!

No pressure tags; not sure I can get to 10 and please dont feel obligated but I'd love to see yours (if you havent already. Ive been avoiding spoilers a lot recently so may not have seen it): @vigilante-apologist @standbyyourmantis @soedblackchaos @forestthechonkykitty @corrrvid @local-redhead-bookworm and luddles looks like you did already do this.

Thats all i got. If you see this and want to do it, consider yourself tagged!

[uriekukistan]

Got one for you: top 5 writing pet peeves?

THANK U FOR THE ASK I MEANT TO ANSWER THIS LIKE TWO DAYS AGO BUT I FELL ASLEEP SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG

okay top5 for myself

the word “shrugged”: i swear my characters shrug more in one chapter than i have in my entire life, but i cant seem to get away from the word…although when i put my work into this thing that counts word recurrence, it never makes the top 10, i still feel like i overuse it sm

proofreading: i hate hate hate proofreading….like reading my own writing is just frustrating to me, especially bc i actually write way in advance of when i actually publish it, so things i may have thought were good a month and a half ago i usually end up hating by the time i actually publish them…idk i think a lot of creators are their worst critics, im sure there’s not as much actually wrong w my stuff as i think

mixing action with dialogue: i dont even mind this much when im reading, but seeing a huge section of just dialogue in my own writing has me foaming at the mouth…and i have a hard time visualizing things so it takes me so long to add realistic actions in between certain lines, otherwise i feel like the scene flows weird if i dont do this…

figurative or overly descriptive language: no one has ever said anything bad abt this so i’m not sure why it but i always worry that parts of my writing will come off pretentious? like i’ll write it and be like “wow i cooked” and then i’ll read it back and be like “who tf do u think u are to be writing like that”

writing environment: i swear i need everything just so to be able to write efficiently, its so annoying. perfect caffeination level (not enough = no brain, too much = can’t focus), perfect playlist, comfy clothes and comfy seating position, not hungry but not full etc etc. i can still write without these things but it ends up being slow af. so annoying

top5 for reading others’ writing (ghhhh hope this doesnt come out mean)

poorly formatted dialogue: genuinely if i see dialogue lumped in with paragraphs of text I CLICK OUT im not reading that i’m sorry. it’s a visual thing like it’s overwhelming to read and makes the story flow weirdly, like pleasseeedseese put your dialogue on a new line

UNDERuse of the word “said”: ik this is contrary to most writing advice, but it bothers me fr when ppl go out of their way to avoid words like “said” “asked” “replied”…like sometimes they’re genuinely the best words for the situation, or the synonym that gets used is just not appropriate. when you get into more specific words like that it’s gotta fit well. i’m a big advocate for using modifiers rather than synonyms, like “whispered” “said softly” “said, a hint of softness creeping into their voice” are all different. anyway i hate when im reading and someone uses a synonym for “said” that doesn’t fit the situation

over reliance on physical description for characters: again like the synonyms- time and place. maybe it’s just me, it just feels kinda depersonalizing if youre constantly using physical descriptions when they aren’t relevant, especially in romance. ex: in dancing with a stranger, megumi notices yuuji’s muscles bc he purposely flexes, or the way his eyes catch the sun as part of the “view” on a sunny day, but the rest of they time, he’s thinking of yuuji as kind, warm, talented, etc. it just makes characters feel shallow, and especially in romance, makes the relationship feel shallow. if all megumi noticed about yuuji were his big muscles and loserboy puppy eyes, it kinda cuts the meaning and intimacy from the relationship. also noah fence but it also comes off as kinda lazy characterization

im a liar i cant come up 5 for this i already feel mean for saying what i said 💀 thank u again for the ask !!!! sorry for rambling so much skdjdk

[passionesolja]

Dawg, I think I’m the family scapegoat or the “broken one” or some shit. So I knew we was gon get some snow, so I said “let me buy some energy drinks for a future event I’ll need them at bc I don’t know how bad the weather will be” logical shit. Today, one of my brother-in-laws come over. Mf has more resources than me so he ain’t broke or struggling. And then, I’m working on my room and one my other relatives come in and are like “hey can you give your BIL your energy drink? He saw it in the fridge and all stores are snowed in” and I’m like “no.” Because this shit is mine. Then they’re like “please, I’ll pay you back” not even the BIL who saw it, no, somebody who’s speaking on their behave. I’m like “no, it’s mine. You can tell them I said ‘no’ if you want.” Before they leave, I’m like “you didn’t tell them I’d give them something without asking me first?” And I dunno I didn’t get an answer.

So after that, I walk into the kitchen and another relative is like “hey, OP, you should read this book about how childhood experiences shape us” and at first I’m like “yeah, maybe later, sure whatever”

Then a few minutes later I’m like “this mf is tryna make me feel like my childhood is why I’m not giving up something I bought. Tf” such an underhanded sneak diss like if you have an issue, say that shit to my face.

If my BIL wanted my energy drink so bad, he should’ve asked me himself. Or, prepared a lil bit better. Its not life or death shit, you don’t NEED an energy drink, I’m sure he has an coffee maker and if not that’s not my problem. Why am I being psychoanalyzed and guilt tripped? I’m not obligated to what he has and he isn’t obligated to what I have. I can’t drink money. So the fuck is 3 dollars gon help me with when everything’s snowed in?

“He wants one for work” womp womp bitch me too the fuck. Im not fucking myself out of the shit I prepared in advance for. If I don’t have them, it means I gotta drink coffee instead and since I don’t wanna, I bought them in advance. He could’ve too. He knew snow was coming

I have no idea why whenever I don’t give the clothes off my back to a mf that could’ve gotten some themselves before that I become some poor traumatized mf who has childhood trauma. What did and didn’t happen in my childhood has ZERO connection to me not giving a mf my shit

I didn’t avoid shit either, I said “yeah, you can tell them that that’s mine” like idgaf. If he needs caffeine, there’s a coffee maker he can use. I dunno if they told him I said he couldn’t but dawg why the fuck does this happen? I don’t ask people for shit. There’s been a lot of times where I want something and somebody else has it but I toughen up and deal with it. What’s with this entitlement? The mf isn’t e entitled to the energy drink I bought just because he didn’t buy everything he’d need in advance. Not my problem, you’re not owed shit from me. You’re an in-law, not my blood family

Like maybe if this mf lived in a world where’d he have to make sure his shit is together or he’d go without, he wouldn’t be asking me for my shit. If I fuck up and don’t have my shit together, I pay the consequences so why the fuck is it my job to be his safety net? Mf learn how to think and prepare for shit. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Cry about it, you’re not entitled to my lil treats and I’m not traumatized for not giving em to you.

The only thing that gets me in my feelings is that whenever I don’t give something I own up, I suddenly have all these issues and I’m some broken person. Like, no, it’s called you should’ve went over to the gas station and bought you some before it snowed.

I feel like I’m laughed at when I prepare but I’m also shamed when I don’t give the shit I got to people who didn’t prepare

[gabapentinblues]

12.29.2024 nightly journal entry. (for anyone who wants to read about my life) tw; sh and substances

walked to seven eleven with my friend this morning and got coffee and a white monster and drank both right away so i really caffeinated and it felt nice. it was foggy and rainy outside but not that cold. wore the flannel i got with her yesterday at goodwill and the beanie i got for christmas. we dyed our hair yesterday and watched a horror movie, might watch another tonight. im trying to stay up later so im not sleeping so much and also wanting to have some more rituals and take better care of myself.

vi and i talked about me maybe getting a social worker but it seems really difficult for some reason. she tried to help me by looking things up before i left this morning which was sweet. she told me to mention it to my therapist so i probably will and maybe she can help me too.

i drove and hour back home n drank the rest of my monster and it was rainy, i called another friend bc she said her grandpa passed away suddenly yesterday but shes estranged from her family so she was feeling weird about the whole thing. i told her id come visit for the day.

stopped at home first and self harmed bc its just a habit at this point. i got blood on my clothes and didnt even care. i also cut on my forearm which i never do but i was just really craving that spot, i just dont like to bc its pretty visible and i dont have much space between my tattoos, but anyway it wasnt even that satisfying. i cut a lot and called my mom jbc i feel obligated to, we didnt really talk abt anything.

i still wanna tell her i just want to break my lease and move home bc i dont feel like i can do this anymore.

drove over to see my other friend and she made me more coffee, i visited w her and her cats. we're playing thru a video game together. i smoked a little even tho im trying to stop. tomorrow i'll try to go the whole day. we walked to target in the rain and i got some groceries i needed and discount press on nails

we made ramen w chili crisp which was really good. i talked about how i just still feel sad and fucked up about my break up and just depressed and lonely in general no matter what i do.

i texted another friend who im getting closer with happy birthday and she told me she cares about me and that she hopes i start feeling better soon. we've been texting back and forth today. i also heard from someone ive been talking with romantically on and off for a few months, im not expecting much there but maybe it will go somewhere. she wished me happy holidays and thats basically been it.

been avoiding the girl i kissed and had a nice date with at the start of december bc i dont trust myself to be able to maintain it and i just feel like she'll end up disappointed or just totally disinterested bc im uninteresting and unhappy so often. it just feels like another austin situation where she'll just get bored of me and i'll like her too much and be left behind.

got back to my apartment as it was getting dark without self harming again even though i really thought about it. avoiding all the dishes in my sink and avoided eating dinner. what i ate at my friends was fine. i had a breakfast and a lunch and the meds i needed to take. put on my cheap press ons, listening to music.

took a lot of gabapentin and i have a bad headache rn that i thought would go away but im just gonna ignore it. getting used to using this chromebook. i wouldnt have typed a post so long otherwise. maybe i'll do these every night, idk. ive missed typing on a keyboard. and knowing that my journal entries are going somewhere other than my notebooks is kinda nice

i guess its just another way to process things. maybe i'll work on writing styles and making it readable and engaging. for now its just stream of conciousness.

trying to drink enough water. gonna do my skincare. pick a movie to watch, and maybe set up a few more things on here before i go to sleep. maybe i'll read a little bit too. i want to start feeling better, i want to feel like im working towards something. im tired of everyday feeling like endless sameness.

anyway, goodnight

[irishbabyx]

Parts of me last year

unk date --- green lake starbucks

so many faces and bodies that contain unique energies. i still feel that imposter syndrome. who do i think i am? i think i am a good person somehow. i am not hurting anyone or wishing bad luck either. i simply sustain myself.. but on digital media, i presume more life than i actually do. what is success? is it being financial secure? why don’t i have relationships? its like i can’t call or text anyone to hang out with or just be around. is it the energy i give out that people don’t think of or miss me? am i difficult to be around? some days i just want to sit down and not have to talk….. this is why im single lol my expectation is way too high. i expect someone to be perfect when im not and that causes insecurity then i retract. it a vicious cycle i take part in and don’t know how to stop.

i hate being home. ive wasted a couple of years of my life doing nothing. i haven’t really enjoyed myself in washington. i feel like im just violently existing - waiting for someone to notice me and be with me as i heal…

wow - just caught someone’s eyes and that was cute. he was cute - though i am not sure what he is doing here. what’s wrong with me? or what’s right with me? i just want someone to notice me. this guy next to me is .. whatever.

idk if its the caffeine but im having a lot of anxiety. maybe because of daniel. he’s ignoring me. meaning he’s not interested in me anymore. what should i do? just keep cool?

tuesday, march 21st, 2023

at GL starbucks

got back from vegas this morning. spent almost 2 weeks there visiting family, my parents came up as well. helped my sister semi-settle in her new home. so proud of her for coming this far in her life and career. it felt intimidating but i had to pause and tell myself that she also had her own pathway full of treks and obstacles to get her to where she is now. got to know jordan a little bit more, though it was always awkward interactions. he is a family man. he will do everything he can to protect them despite two of the kids not being biologically his. i hope he didn’t feel too overwhelmed us all there - we are all pretty crazy. i also wanted to feel how it would be like living there, so far the only downside is lower income. though now that i think about it, will it matter if i stress about money no matter where i am? the kids are truly little humans now. time is a thief. when it was with kayla, everything was amplified but with more children, everyone’s got a little more chill. not so worried about what goes in the baby’s mouth or if their eating/sleeping schedule is off. we were all just living in the moment. what i did notice, which i want to avoid happening (if that’s even all that possible) is to deter kayla from swallowing derogatory words from my parents and taking it to heart. i know what those exact words did to me as a child and i want her to avoid taking the same steps we have. providing a nurturing, loving, protective home allows them to see the world in a lighter and brighter lens. that no matter the cruel things we see and hear around us, that family should remain golden. i took my family for granted. i made them disposable even though they are the most permanent things from the day i had my first breath.. i wish i had listened to my parents more and read between the lines instead. they showed tough love, but love regardless. had i known they were just new parents experiencing trials and tribulations in a new generation and didn’t also know a damn thing about mental health. their behaviors are hard to unlearn but it feels my duty to protect the next generations from their blinds eyes toward positive child rearing, rather not known. being their aunty mom makes me feel more confident in becoming a mom truly. i aspire to be like my sister who possesses patience day by day. she always kept grounded.

the downside of the trip was the the deep, slow hum of loneliness. i want to experience life with someone. highs and lows. someone to feel and express with. someone i gravitate towards to and look forward to any time of day. i miss that. i miss a partner. that deep ache and longing was present. i met nathaniel, 39 y/o air force pilot. i still can’t wrap my mind around our interactions. i was late 30 mins and made a fuss about it. he noticed everything i said and also had an answer to everything. i didn’t think he’d invite me back to his apartment. that was also strange. idk what he thinks of our age difference - i don’t think he does but he wants someone who is more mature than i. the thing about me is that i don’t know how to express my thoughts into words, let alone formulate a sentence that actually has context. it doesn’t make sense to me. i have lost touch with meaningful conversations. anyway, he’s hot and buff and god damn i choked. i haven’t been able to stop feeling giddy, though i know this is only temporary. he is emotionally unavailable and knows it himself.

boundaries and traumas emanating

monday, march 27th, 2023

at GL retreat

so much has happened since i got back from seattle. so much? actually maybe not but something significant happened. lol that guy i mentioned above turned out to be super psycho and downright TOO sensitive and disrespectful. the messages he sent me were very questionable regarding his integrity and character, for someone serving in the military? now that i think about it, that’s almost abuse, no? i don’t know but glad it only lasted that short. i can’t imagine what other shit he would have came up with or deduce. anywho, i hate that i spiral so quickly when i know what’s about to happen. like financially, how am i gonna come up with rent for next month? and also calling out of work because i got too drunk again last night. these decisions are affecting my livelihood and it’s embarrassing to think and write about. tho this is my reality, i never learned through these difficult times in my life. i continue letting it happen as if it one day, everything will miraculously solve themselves. i am proud of how far i’ve come though, especially without a college degree. i was able to make it out in seattle this long and though.

i want better relationships with my family, individually and as a whole. they continue to support me despite showing angst and being disappointing. i never stopped caring about them and vice versa. i’ve just been hiding my vices from them and that’s what ultimately broke our relationship apart. i was always the issue, not them. i am learning as i go and going on that trip to meet them solidified that family is what i need right now. there was this narrative in my childhood and early adulthood that i was a burden to them and that i was some sort of a leech. i have to forgive myself for that because while it is/was true, i didn’t know i was doing it maliciously. well maybe in their perspective it was.

love life? lol why do i keep talking about this. broken record laced with desperation.

you know, mollie says this over and over that there is a chemical imbalance and it’s not me… why is it so hard to admit that myself? that there will always be that throughout my life. most people dip down multiple times in their lives. i can validate my thoughts and emotions, but i can’t always feel sorry/bad about myself and stay in that dip. cheers, irish. take care of yourself because others need you to.

saturday, april 1st, 2023

at GL starbucks

the early months flew by. i feel like this is the case as i get older. it all just.. happens. the earth will remain even without us. we are but a flicker of light. this week was okay. i fell ill after restarting naltrexone. at least i know now that that’s what the medication does to me. i never knew if meds worked for me or not because i always just feel numb.. now i question if the fluoxetine is also working. the only thing i feel like i need to work on is self-esteem. i have a few people in my circle because that side of me is so vulnerable. you can easily use it to tear me down.

something about having a routine though. it feels safe. but when you do the same thing over and over, people think you’re crazy? for example, going to starbucks ordering the same thing and sitting in the same spot..

anyway. idk what came over me last night but david came over. i hurriedly cleaned my room and vacuumed. lolol the shit i do for men that i wouldn’t even do for myself. i was already so drunk but man was i desperate for it. wow idk how long its been but he aged. LOL grew a mustache but overall looks and smells the same. still bad in bed. won’t stay erect and takes FOREVER to cum. i’m convinced he needs medication. he did remember a few things about me tho? my bed? he was wearing converse how cute. he does care about what he wears. i might buy those converses now. i need to forget about him. he obviously doesn’t care about me and just thinks im a quick booty call. maybe i am a sucker for him tho. i may have hurt his ego too much. from his clothes, to his name, how his converse were yellow, how he lasted, it was all sarcasm but maybe that is my toxic red flag. men have much more sensitive ego that we think.

tuesday, april 18th, 2023

at GL retreat

what’s going on with me again? honestly.. i have these waves of motivation. one week i’m at the very tip top. the next, i’m just existing. i need to stop sending messages to people when i’m drunk like LINDA OR DAVID?? OR NELSON?? JESUS irish. you need to stop. that shit is embarrassing and you are jeopardizing your relationships with people and it makes you look bad and pathetic. i really don’t know how to control myself. alcohol is putting me at risk.

monday, may 8th, 2023

at LV house

i feel like i’m drowning above water. just in debt. i don’t know how to manage my money. i don’t know how to ask for help. i don’t know who to ask for help for. what can i do? a financial advisor, but will i get through this feeling of shame? my parents can’t know.. let my alone my siblings. i feel like a failure. it is because i am. they are all successful and here i am struggling. it was nice being around the family, even just for a day. i feel safe with them.

wednesday, june 7th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

what am i feeling? this is a weird sensation. when i want to just talk to someone. or jolt my thoughts down. i’ve gotten too used to being alone that loneliness doesn’t bother me anymore. i feel like i am living in an elderly woman’s body and growing accustomed to independence. however you see that lol. i still feel the need to connect to the outside world and i guess that’s the younger version of me comes in. though i could live alone or isolated, i would still need to know what is going on around me. is this the age i was brought up to? maybe i couldn’t escape that reality.

thursday, june 15th, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

qi xuan?? huang? hahaha why do i feel so giddy? is this a new thing? i like that he’s not afraid to be himself. he has a fire in him that i want to ignite in myself.

thursday, june 22nd, 2023

at home (green lake terrace)

drunk. me and qi had sex like twice already. sooooo good. its not even the size but the intimacy. feels so comforting. i feel comfortable with him.. just someone i don’t feel like i need to compete with or feel like i need to impress. he’s humble. he’s himself.

sunday, july 16th, 2023

at armistice coffee in roosevelt

woof.

[tears-of-boredom]

i feel like a lot of people just do not understand cats. nor know what they sound like. i will see a video of a cat meowing completely normally and the comments will be full of "omg wtf noises are those?!!🤣". Or alternatively its a video of a cat clearly being really scared or alarmed, and all the comments are laughing at how silly it is being. reminds me of my mom who just calls our cats stupid for doing normal cat stuff. they'll be playing in the cat tree and she'll be like "omg look at that stupid ass cat"(less harsly but you know). and also she keeps calling Hessu stupid, or implying that he isnt in control of his own behaviour. which is like, I guess its true, but also like, his behaviour makes complete sense. he climbs you to rub on your face and bites you, because that is how he shows affection. he kneads your skin because he clearly isnt aware that we humans are really sensitive to that. he gets really focused on chasing bugs when he sees them, because that is what cats do. quite literally all our cats chase bugs, even if they are on the other side of the window. he jumped into the toilet full of cleaning agent that one time probably because he had jumped on it once when the lid was closed, which would already confirm it in his mind as a safe platform. and he learned to not do that again! now he checks if its safe to jump on the toilet lid! he drunk cooled coffee that one time because it was full of milk and cool and didnt know what it was! and he learned to not drink from human cups from then on, after calming down from the caffeine high that small sip gave him. like pretty often my mom judt sys that Hessu learns nothing, and its so annoying cuz its just factually wrong. he knows where the cat food is kept and knows to meow at my door if he wants it. he also learned to avoid candles! he has learned so many things a cat living in the wild wouldnt need to!

so yeah. like im not saying that its harmful to laugh at cats falling or something, but it just really annoys me when cat owners dont seem to understand their own cats.

like, two of our cats have been with us for long enough that they've learned what boundaries can be pushed, so yes, I will get mad at Seppo for trying to eat my food, because he knows he isnt allowed to do that. he doesn't even like it that much! but i wont get mad if the more recent additions try to do that. I mean I dont think they're that interested in what the humans eat, because neither of them have tried to steal my food yet. but that also means that there hasnt been an opportunity to teach them to not do that. so if they one day stick their snout a bit too close to my food, im not going to get mad, or even annoyed. because why should a cat know that they arent supposed to inspect something that could be nutrition!

[feisty-yordle]

I have a troubled relationship with caffeine. I really want to like her, and i do not know why. Maybe because people praise her so much. But it has been nothing but ups and downs with us.

And at the heart of many troubled relationships is misunderstanding. Recently, i think i have solved a misunderstanding.

But to explain, i will go into the weeds for a bit. It should all make sense in the end.

[Biology of Exercise and Blood] There is not enough blood in a human's body to perfuse well all tissues. The body handles that by constricting and relaxing vessels in different parts of the body. When a human exercises, blood moves away from the gut and other places into the periphery, especially voluntary muscles, and the heart, among others. This is why humans may find that your hunger disappears when you exercise, and remains absent for some time after. This is also why many runners get nauseous if they have food in their stomachs and may even vomit.

[My Health is not Great] I want there to be lots of blood in my muscles and general periphery. I do not have great circulation most of the time. But i also have very little energy on most days. We do not know why yet.

[Caffeine is a Remedy?] Caffeine can give you energy. Usually does, at least in the short term. But in the long term, people have mixed results. My side-effects can be so severe i get profound mental, emotional disturbances that are very scary to deal with. As well as even worse fatigue than before. But i do get warmer, more focused, and sometimes happier, and more satisfied with my life. It can also, when used well, help me with my circadian rhythm, something i struggle with a lot.

[Caffeine and Exercise: Siblings?] The results i get with caffeine feel a lot like exercise. Its like caffeine puts me into a state of exercise even if im not doing any exercise. I even get the same kind of gastrointestinal discomfort i get when i run hard for long. In a study i recently read, researchers found that caffeine induced central vasoconstriction but did not affect peripheral blood vessels. Which is similar to what exercise does. But with exercise, you can take a break whenever. Caffeine makes you wait hours.

Sounds like if i want the affect of caffeine, i should exercise instead. I am trying to be more regular in my activity. And it has helped with my energy levels and life satisfaction. But getting the butt off the bed, or the Christen into the study mode, is hard if Christen has not already been exposed to caffeine or recently completed exercise.

[Hidden Sibling: Food] Additionally, food is a participant in this dance. When i eat, blood goes to my gut, and i get sleepy. I also get hungry when i am sleepy and feel safe, which may be a natural response for some persons, some more than others. Particularly night eaters. Most humans want to not eat when they are sleepy. But some have the opposite response. I have heard "chronotype" used to describe when people enjoy being awake and asleep. Eating is a part of the circadian rhythm and involved in the same processes that are involved in wake-sleep. Why cannot "chronotype" also then describe when you like to eat?

[The Tug of War] I see a clash here between caffeine and food and maybe also exercise/activity and eating/rest. And maybe, we can work this out. So here is my idea.

[The Idea] If i do not want to be sluggish during a time of the day, i should avoid eating anything substantial. Limit myself to drinks (with energy or without) and light, easy to digest snacks, like bananas. Try doing my morning jogwalk/chores on an empty stomach and making my first meal in the afternoon before my shit. Wake up, go about the rest of my day until my daywork is done. Come home and have a nice dinner and snack whenever i get peckish until it is time for bed.

[Maybe it will not work out with Caffeine and I] Now that i write that all out, i do not see any mention of caffeine. Maybe caffeine has been a cope for me. Forcing me to be in a state of activity, when my body wants to be resting and digesting. Something you may also not know about me: i eat a lot, and i am hungry a lot. Maybe it should not have been so weird to me that i struggle both with hunger and grogginess. But for the same reasons it is hard to tell myself "just eat less", my new plan will be hard because i will become too hungry to go about my shit. But if i am active enough, should that not suppress my appetite until it is a good time to eat and rest? I guess that is where caffeine would come in. In the morning, and after my nap. Pretty standard! Just gotta be more regimented and careful not to consume too much of it. If that is too hard, then i can try becoming a smoker instead.

[Some Closing Props to Cardio] I should add that this has all been made possible at all by me getting back into regular exercise, particularly cardio. Altho exercise makes me tired, i am not more tired overall, and i feel like i have a larger capacity for work, and that it is easier to move my body. I also feel better about my health, and health in one part helps health in the others. And sometimes, when i feel like the best course of action is to lay on the sofa, it may be, but if i exercise first, i sometimes find that i have energy i did not know of.

[Summary] So this is my issue and my new plan. Accepting being a "night eater" and a scantier day eater. Getting up earlier so i have time to eat and nap during midday when it is like planet Venus outside. Allow myself to have caffeine, but be wary of amount, and keep it to mornings and post-siesta so i do not get those awful stomach aches.

[orcelito]

should i make a Bad Choice?

no.

do i Want to make a Bad Choice?

.................yes

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

insomnia sucks balls dude

[tf2fansderogatory]

Maybe goin against common belief but i think pauling can be just as impulsive as the mercs. Dont get me wrong, she is absolutely smarter than most of them combined, but when you work 20+ hours a day, 364 days a year, the brains gonna get a little mushy. she just does things thinking its gonna turn out fine, usually things that involve her personal health.

im just saying she has 100% gone to medic at least once with enough caffeine in her system to kill a small horse, and she only went because she was shaking too hard to dig shallow graves properly.

No no no ur sooo right I think it's kind of annoying when people write her off as "the braincell of the group" cuz I find it to be a fandom trope to avoid making women funny. I don't rlly think she's any more of a "group braincell" than like, Spy or something. I think Pauling is super frazzled from being overworked and that should be explored as much as everyone else's quirks and possible side effects retained from their line of work. Also Pauling does literally kill people! It's not uncommon for me to see people write her as like totally inexperienced and needing man, idk, Scout the ultimate weenie man or smth to show her the ropes. She kills people. Let her kill people and be funny

[thefloatingstone]

hello cpuff, how are you?

i have an adhd related question and need your advise

i would like to try a medical treatment for my adhd again but im very traumatised by my first time. it was apparently a small dosage and the side effects were horrible (i do believe my therapist was only for children too)

how did you find out what treatment was right? do you need a treatment to get by in everyday life?

im going to university soon and i dont want to fuck it up.. :')

thanks in advance!

Hey Toast!

I'm in a unique position in that despite being born in the late 80s and growing up in the early 90s, my dad is a doctor and my mom was heavily involved in his medical practice. So I was very lucky to be diagnosed with "Type 2 ADD" from the age of 4 or 5. My mom did have me on Ritalin as a small child but I wasn't on the medication long although she can't remember why she discontinued it. But something wasn't working for me.

As an adult, my ADHD is a type that is high functioning for most things, thankfully. I still have big struggles, and as a result I developed the fun little splinter skill called "Anxiety disorder" to counteract the forgetfulness, procrastination, avoidance and general executive dysfunction. It works for a lot of things... but it's still an anxiety disorder which has its OWN symptoms and detriments.

As a result, I'm not on any ADHD specific medication. Although most of them are illegal here anyway due to them being an amphetamine. The medication I am on is for the anxiety disorder which became necessary after some extremely traumatic events in 2018 when I hit my limit.

When I was in matric, I self medicated with vasts amount of diet coke (it was the caffeine which helped focus). I still have an extremely difficult time with studying if it's a subject I don't find interesting as my brain will heavily resist the study period itself and will "dump" any information I learn during studying because it doesn't produce dopamine and so the brain function considers it "useless information." (this isn't me trying to be cute. This is a gross simplification of what actually happens cognitively).

At the moment I am trying to study for the ILETS exam and I admit it's very difficult and I am avoiding it a lot.

I am using a star sticker reward system which has worked for me in the past. (it doesn't seem as effective these days but it used to work very well). And I try and limit how much I study to extremely short sessions more frequently than doing long study periods. I also do a lot more cramming the day before as a result of how my brain treats "undesired information".

The flip side is I remember random trivia and knowledge in subjects I enjoy for literally decades...

Anyway I'm rambling.

I don't know if it would be beneficial to you and your ADHD make-up, but I find that behavioural therapy, reward systems and structure work better for me in lieu of medication. (outside of the anxiety meds to manage anxiety symptoms. The medication does not take away the functional anxiety that counter-acts the ADHD luckily). The only downside here is that BECAUSE of my ADHD I struggle to do a lot of the therapy practice specifically designed to help manage my symptoms. (but I am not in a place where I can find ADHD specific therapy to help me with how my brain functions). But I DO find repetitive practice, structure, and breaking things down into the tiniest most basic tasks does help a TINY bit.

That, and doing more than one thing at once. THAT one is a winner for me. Cooking supper? Put on a video to listen to as I do so. Driving? podcast time. Working? youtube tutorial time. reading? music time. (just no lyrics). Jogging? More podcasts/audiobooks.

As well as different methods of processing information. If you can, try to find places that present the material you want to learn in a unique manner. I'm currently 1/4 through the first Dune novel because a DJ made a 23 hour video putting the audiobook to his own lo-fi mixes and trippy visuals. Which resulted in me very quickly memorising a LOT of names and world building which I'm normally terrible at. I tend to internalise information best through video than reading. But when I do read a physical book, audio input is a big must as my brain gets bored otherwise and I lose focus.

My friends with ADHD have great success with journalling in bullet point although it doesn't work for me. (I start, it works great, then I stop doing it and forget it was a working method.) They found breaking things down into bullet points helps them bring order to their thoughts. Same with calendars.

Use multi coloured pens. This is a BIG help. Just writing every paragraph in a new colour helps so much for re-reading notes and stops you skimming a huge text wall.

Speak to your lecturer and make them aware that you will doodle in class while they lecture, and that you are doing so because it stops you from getting visually distracted while they lecture and helps you process audio better. Maybe they won't care but it's best just to let them know "I'm not ignoring you so don't call me out."

I hope some of this can be helpful in SOME way... I still struggle a lot so I don't have a lot of answers because I mostly feel like I don't function well at all. And what I do function with I only function with out of dumb luck.

I know I have adult mutuals who also have ADHD so maybe some of them can help chime in with more tips. (I won't tag them because I don't want to call them out without permission)

[eternityservedcold]

akira paleeease talk more about tomoyo just share a bunch of stuff about tomoyo I want to learn about her so bad. shes just so ermmm pardon my french. hot as hell

AKSDJHASKJDHK of course my friend. here are some Assorted Tomoyo Facts (aside from the things able to be gleaned from her reference blurb)

all of the amalgam assembly characters have an associated tarot card (because im insane). hers is the magician, which can mean a lot of things but in her case mostly represents:

skill and success (her work is complex but she is very good at it)

the physical and spiritual (her work can be seen as a form of magic and/or transmutation)

concentration and willpower (yeah)

creation and manifestation (she is literally frankenstein 2, having created a living being from nothing)

speaking of, i dont talk about connie much but its tomoyos daughter, a living being made from candy. she honestly started the project as a joke but once it worked she was like "WHAT THE HELL. i need to study this thing." and made it go fight monsters lol (it went willingly!! it was NOT forced)

the creation of connie is actually, OBJECTIVELY, the inciting incident for everything. so you could say tomoyo is the foundation on which amalgam assembly lies!

tomoyos usual work is commissioned body modifications, clones, bioengineered animals/people, and prosthetics. some of what she considers her best work (aside from connie) are: an idol/actress harpy girl (commissioned by a media company), a living ball jointed doll (commissioned by a toy company), and a mermaid girl with a functional tail (commissioned by the mermaid girl herself)

amalgam assembly will be a fighting game, but tomoyo herself will not fight because 1. she doesnt care enough and 2. she is pretty physically weak. anyone who wants to fight her will have to take it up with leo. that being said, with the amount of FREAKS there are in amalgam assembly (demons, angels, vampires, dragons, etc), im sure shed love to thoroughly examine (dissect) all of them. maybe she can be a dlc character with a similar shtick to valentine from skullgirls?

leo has a big gay crush on tomoyo (big shocker) and in the final product its going to be extremely ambiguous whether tomoyo is leading them on, ambivalent to it, or genuinely clueless. the real answer lies somewhere in the middle? tomoyo is married to science and thus cannot be wooed, but she also doesnt see leo as an attainable partner for herself (for many reasons), BUT she ALSO sees the value in keeping them around to do stuff around the lab

ok ok ive been going on for too long. here are some rapid fire facts:

her blood type is actually O, even though the commonly accepted blood type personality theory says she should be B or AB. she thinks this is very funny

her favorite flavor category is savory (avoiding giving her a favorite food so as to not curse her)

though she provides plastic surgery, etc to others, shes actually staunchly against doing it on herself

i like to imagine she had a deviantart sparkledog phase (or whatever the 2030s/40s equivalent would be) but idk if i would say thats concretely canon

she made her goggles herself and they are prescription (shes very nearsighted)

she often falls asleep at her desk, no matter how much caffeine she consumes

she likes to make pottery as a hobby whenever she actually has free time

she owns a three-headed cat named catberus (the heads are also individually named. havent decided what theyre called though...)

(NOT real lore dont take this seriously lol)