passionesolja

[passionesolja]

Less than 30 days before orange man takes office again smh oh well enjoying the peaceful and sane life rn

[passionesolja]

Been going on tiktok way more bc of the ban and I’m not gon lie it’s fucked with my attention span like I’m having issues with focusing fully on reading again. I wanna slow down but it’s like I can take a few month or few week break and come back. Shits gon be gone and I’m not going onto reels

[passionesolja]

[passionesolja]

Are you seriously telling me that I rawdogged 200 hours of Veilguard without upgrading my Rook's spells at the Caretaker

[passionesolja]

Bro I’m so burned out lol giving myself a month to just recharge

[passionesolja]

The older I get, the more deeply traumatic I realize my first 5 years of life were.

So, I’m adopted from Eastern Europe. My adopted family were there for religious reasons. Im born pre-mature, which means I probably didn’t get to properly bound with my birth mother. That’s already tough. When you’re an newborn, you still think you’re apart of your mother’s body so having that severed and being in the NICU is damaging. I spend roughly the first year of my life in an orphanage, most likely being neglected and not super well taken care just because it’s an post-fall of USSR orphanage.

Finally, im adopted. And all my orphanage caregivers who I bonded with are suddenly ripped away from me. Bitch, I’m an infant so by all means in my mind, that place is my home. I’m bonded with the caregivers there, maybe a few of the other children, to me as a baby those people are my family. I’m not saying it could give me everything I needed but logically speaking those are my first mothers. Also, I was renamed upon adoption so like they were using my first name to soothe and comfort me and all the sudden, that’s gone. Im sure for an infant, it’s like “bitch who are you talking to?” Because my instincts don’t connect with my adopted parents’ name for me. Real deep rooted shit. My first identity—the one my biological mom gave me—is ripped away from me. I know my first name, and sometimes I say “yeah you have that energy, Raphael”

I’m not gon say my original name here but it means “strong” and “healthy”, which really hits me deep in my guts because this was my biological mom trying to put some kind of blessing over me (I don’t believe in that but considering my health status at birth). Given I was literally fighting for my mf life when I was born, it’s such a powerful name. I dunno, having that taken away from me so I could have some generic ass Slavic name with no meta meaning is just something I still struggle with. My biological mom really said “ima name this lil mf something that means strong and healthy bc they a strong willed bitch”. Damn bro like could a Mf have kept that name?

But it’s like “yay this mf is going to America and out of Eastern Europe”, only my apdopted family stays in my home country until I’m like 5 then they come back to America. I have siblings who were born and raised there in the same duration but I know it’s not the same for them.

When I was in the womb and my dna was being compiled, they were doing Eastern European shit. When I was an infant, they were doing Eastern Europe shit. When I was in my very pivotal childhood years, they were doing Eastern European shit. My entire family tree and my first years of my life, we’re doing Eastern European shit.

Then, it’s like I’m moved out of the country that my whole genetic history was formed in, the only one I knew, and were in America. A bitch can’t even speak American, doesn’t even like fast food. But it’s like, if I was with my biological family and we moved, I think I would’ve adjusted better—assimilated better. Just because they would’ve been going through the same thing I was. They would’ve been like a piece of my home country. My adopted parents were foreigners in my home country, and they took my ass outta there and paraded shit around while also sneak dissing where the fuck I’m from. It was so jarring and weird.

It wasn’t like I had no connection to my culture, but I ended up being somebody who doesn’t feel like anywhere is home. I don’t feel American and I don’t feel Eastern European. It’s so alienating and a bitch will always feel like it. I feel like a stranger in a land that I’ve never fully spiritually meshed with

Is my life shit and not as successful as I dreamt it would be? Yes. But I can’t fault myself for this. I was never given the treatment to cope with try formative years. Then shit piles on and I end up getting into an lifelong beef with a family in my church who are all weirdo hyper Christian, Duggars Lite ass bullies that torment me for like 10 years who’s father of the family ends up being a child molester (didn’t find that out until like this year. Tbh, that raises a lot of problematic and scary questions about my own safety back then because these were my childhood besties before we fell out). That’s not even me factoring in all the other traumatic shit in childhood and my teen years.

A mfs life been nothing but being drug through hell but I fight through it bc the fuck else ima do? I guess I can’t fault myself for shit because I’ve already been through more shit than some people ever go through

[passionesolja]

Free Luigi

[passionesolja]

Me: wow i have really bad contamination ocd again bc a loved one went through cancer. I’m now scared of rabies, and zoological related diseases. My family getting a new pet when I’m in the mist of this has only made it worst. I need to take measures to protect myself during this time

Elon’s Twitter Feed: hey here’s a story about a woman getting rabies for no reason.

[passionesolja]

Dawg, transphobes need to up their slur game because what the fuck is a “troon”? Like at least past slurs had this abrasiveness to them that made you know it was a shameful thing to be called but if I got called a “troon” I’d be like “huh?”

[passionesolja]

The Kanji dungeon was really kinda difficult lol

[passionesolja]

Kanji’s Gay Bathhouse is kicking my ass rn like these mfs got hands

Persona 4 has me in a chokehold rn like I love the vibes and aesthetics

[passionesolja]

At the part of the game where we meet Kanji and his boyfriend and stake them out

Persona 4 has me in a chokehold rn like I love the vibes and aesthetics

[passionesolja]

Persona 4 has me in a chokehold rn like I love the vibes and aesthetics

[passionesolja]

sis idgaf about that CEO. “Wah wah its bad to do that” these mfs inflict mass violence and death on us everyday but god forbid we get our lick back just a lil bit. Mf this isn’t carebears

[passionesolja]

I feel like the story in SMT 5: Vengeance is already way better than SMT 5: Original. Like 10 hours into OG SMT5, I wasn’t impressed or following the story much but 10 hours into Vengeance I’m like “damn I need to know what happens next”

[passionesolja]

[passionesolja]