#im afraid ill end up getting hospitalized again if i talk about how i really feel which kinda... keeps me from getting help
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recovery is so hard. honestly im not sure if i will ever fully recover but by god, i have to try huh
#personal#two year in recovery for my ed yet i still have to remind myself its good ive gained weight. its good im not underweight and malnourished#i havent purged in like... 4 or 5 months?? so thats...progress. doesnt mean i dont think about it everytime i eat tho 😐#idk ive been thinking too much. im not sure how to go about getting treatment again. it scares me#not necessarily talking about my ed but for other mental health related things#im afraid ill end up getting hospitalized again if i talk about how i really feel which kinda... keeps me from getting help#but not getting help is also gonna get me hospitalized or 6ft under cuz i cannot cope on my own. its a tricky situation#plus i also kinda dont want help at the same time yknow?? more so i dont want to be Fixed actually
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So, Meta Flowey. Encore Flowey. whatever you wanna call it. I wanna discuss it rq
I believe I have a pretty solid explanation for the specimens (intentional by the devs or not,) and I've come to one conclusion: They're based on childhood fears. Let me explain each one.
Clay
This one is a bit obvious, at least to me. I think it's based on how kids will see claymation and get scared of it, you know? Like Mabel in that one episode of Gravity Falls. Might have something to do with Uncanny Valley.
Polygonal
Another obvious one. This is based on late 90's games when 3d was becoming a thing. The kind that is mostly good fun until one moment when the scariest enemy known to man comes out and has you quit the game for 6 months. Like Majora's Mask! Every kid was scared of that game, weren't they?
Patchwork
Creepy dolls, and such. Maybe just the slight discomfort you feel when you go into a room in grandma's house, the one where she sews blankets and toys. I always had a slightly unnerving feeling when it came to stuff like that. This one might be a little more personal, but it's valid.
Now, these next ones weren't so obvious. I had to do a little reaching for them.
Mechanical
It just wasn't quite obvious to me at first. This one is based on how heavy machinery may scare children and make them nervous. It's unknown and foreign to them. They don't know anything about it, but they have a feeling that they'll get hurt if they aren't careful with it (and they're right! machinery will kill you if you're not careful!)
Also guns. Guns can be scary to kids. I hope.
Organic
Now, I would say this one is the fear of doctor visits. But... it's gotta be more than that. You hear the beeping and see blood cells and such. You probably won't see that at a check-up. I think it's a bit deeper than that.
I think this is the fear of going to hospitals in general. A bit more serious than the doctor's office. It could be for a serious, painful disease the child has contracted, or... it could be visiting a loved one while they're in medical care, maybe after a horrible accident, or a terminal illness. The song supports this sort of dread regarding the inevitable loss of family. And the beeping at the end... yeah. This one is pretty grim.
Paper
specimen paper was the hardest phase to think about. Mostly because... who the hell out there is afraid of paper? I know there's a phobia for it, but it's rare.
So, I looked further into it. Paper airplanes and paper balls are flying around as attacks. And in the music? Laughter and talking.
I think this is bullying. It doesn't play into the... paper flowey, but I couldn't find any other fitting explanation. At least for this theory. Because, again, paper isn't exactly a common childhood fear that people have. Neither is bullying... but it's a huge issue in schools and is a lot more scarring than something you might find scary as a 6-year-old.
Also, note how Flowey doesn't move in this phase. Along with the organic phase. They feel really empty compared to the others, in a good way. It paints the picture of darker memories than just a scary enemy you encountered in SM64. It could also bring up some questions about Clover's past..
remember this post was entirely theoretical and probably not intended by the devs. i just wanted to write this lol. anyways i think im done. i wanted to make this post for a while now but i just now got to it at like midnight on a Friday ok byeeeee
#uty#undertale yellow#flowey#flowey the flower#flowey undertale#flowey uty#meta flowey#clover uty#clover undertale yellow#uty neutral route spoilers#uty spoilers#uty neutral route
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hi cas <3
cw/tws for medical stuff, complex family relationships, discussion of death
so, for context, im a regulus black kinnie (itll make sense, give me a sec aha). ive got a difficult relationship with most of my family, but most especially my mother and older sister. my sister is a lot like our family's sirius (except if he still had walburga's narcissism, cruelty and manipulation), and she really doesnt get along with either of our parents. my mother is... a difficult woman, in that she likes to victimise herself in every situation, shes homophobic/transphobic/all the phobics, shes also very narcissistic, and likes to make uncomfortable comments without bothering to be nice about it. all in all, i try not to be around her much. im also supposed to be moving out soon, and planned to minimise contact as much as possible once i do.
to the point: my mother was diagnosed with cancer yesterday. my father (hes kind of a neutral party in the family dynamics, btw) was the one talking to me about it, since she's in hospital at the moment. he said they caught it early enough where a bit of chemo over the next few months should get rid of it and she'll be okay, but 'cancer' is a scary as fuck word. he also then told me that this isnt her first time with it — she had a different type of cancer around 20 years ago.
honestly, i feel like my brain is battling itself about how i should feel. on the one hand, ive been looking forward to not having to be around her now for years, and i hold very little love for her at this point. why should i care? she'll be fine at the end of it anyway. but shes still my mum, yknow? and i feel awful having these thoughts about how badly ive always thought of her and how much ive wanted for so long to get away from her and how it almost feels like this is some sort of sick fucking joke from the universe about how i should be careful what i wish for or something.
this whole situation keeps making me think about regulus in best friends brother(? i think thats the right fic) or p much any modern au where walburga dies so tbh ill probably end up writing a fic about it to cope, but still i just... i guess i needed to tell someone? my father asked me to keep it to myself for now so that it wasnt spread around where we live (its a small area; everyone knows everyone).
and the bit with my sister - as i said, she doesnt get along with our parents. i dont talk to her much anymore either because she seemed to inherit a lot of our mothers worst traits, but im afraid that if we do talk about this then she'll have some awful thing to say about it. she makes some really dark 'jokes' sometimes about suicide and death and such, and im nervous that she'll say something about how she hopes it kills her (again, my sister fucking sick, and has zero empathy), because shes made similar jokes about other stuff in the past. i also dont think she'd understand that im still afraid for our mother even after everything shes done, and i hate the way my sister turns on me and rips the piss out of me when she doesnt like what i do.
it all kind of circles back to how im supposed to feel, i guess. part of me wants to not care and brush it off, whatever, but theres still part of me dying for my mothers love and approval and is terrified of losing her, even with the low possibility.
sorry this got so long, and for how heavy it is. i hope youre doing well cas, and thank you for all you do for us <3
Hi hon!
My god, you ARE a reg kinnie.
Here's the thing- there is not a RIGHT way to feel about those things. You have a complex relationship with your mom, so of course you'll have complex feelings about the situation. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling any certain way, because there's no right or wring way to process this. You're allowed to feel scared and neutral and confused and ambivalent. That's okay!
Your feelings aren't a betrayal to anyone, and you have a right to them. You also have a right to any action you choose to take. Remember to do what feels right for YOU, because YOU are important.
I'm here if you ever need to talk <3
Naming you reg kin anon.
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i have chronic pain. lately, its been getting better (i got a few hours pain free with some new meds a few weeks ago) but last week i had a terrible 10/11 day streak in terrible pain, so i missed school a lot.
i was taliking to my friend about how this other friend didnt go to school, she asked why he didnt come and i said that he told me he didnt feel like it. she then said something along the lines "like you" and i got really mad. she knows i have chronic pain, she knew the past days it got so bad i almost end up in the hospital and i already told her that it makes me feel invalidated when she says that stuff (its not the first time, but we had a talk about it after i got tired of multiple accusitations me of being lazy and taking too much prescibed pain meds), so i said "i was in a lot of pain, you know i hate missing schools, i wouldnt miss just because, i was feeling really bad" (it takes me a lot to catch up and talked about it with her). she then said "yeah right" and scoffed, like she didnt believe.
im so tired of this shit. im in pain 24/7, i always put a happy face and do my 100% but that doesnt mean but im not in pain. and the one time, the one time i take the much needed rest to recover, she calls me lazy and that i dont go to school bc "i feel like it"
maybe im still mad she never apologized for all the other times she got pissy about me not going to school (despite her doing the same without the whole medical reason). and saying "it would make me worse to take the pain meds, it was proven medically" when i take only what the doctor tells me and always leaving the 8 hour period between doses, and when i told her she just keep insisting i should not take so many meds. like do you want me to be in even more pain i already am? sometimes i already bedridden of the pain and you want me to stop the only healthy recommend by professional solution? but then when i feel bad (which hehe, thats exactly what would happen more often without the meds) and take time to rest, then im lazy? im lazy? im not the one falling half the classes bc i never do the homework or study for tests, despite being the one that is in pain all the time. she never apologized for any of this, she never changed, she always dismissed when i told her to stop.
i decided it to stop speaking to her. we talked about this before, more than once, if words dont make it work, then there will be no words. i know its toxic but im really tired of fighting for being believed of my debilitating illness.
yet, today at school, i talked to her like nothing had happen. i dont think she realized how much it hurt what she said yesterday, how much it hurts me when she says stuff like yesterday. and i cant even take distance. i couldnt even asked her to stop saying it.
she didnt even realized i was mad in the first place. i couldnt stay visibly mad at her for her to realize. i couldnt ask her to stop (again) bc i was too afraid she would keep invalidating me like she always does when i try to talk about my illness. and i really want to stop being her friend. but i cant. schools works in close groups, same 28 students for every single class. we became friends bc no one else talked to us and we are partners in everything and we cant change partners, and even if we could, no one would switch with me.
i cant stop being with her. i cant talk with her without her dismissing me. i dont know what to do
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when time runs out | iv
⋆ summary: A young girl has fallen deeply ill with an unknown disease in her, so with all her free time spent in an empty hospital room, she spends it online playing video games. That's until she meets her cousins friends, one spiking her interest with his extremely vulgare language.
pairing: bakugou katsuki x reader
word count: 2.5k
warnings: none
authors note: I wanna say im so sorry for lying to yall about that extra chapter KJDFFF😭😭 ALSO @chibiiichann I APOLOGIZE FOR SPAMMING YOU WHENEVER I REPLIED TO YOU💀 A DIFFERENT ACC WOULD POP UP BUT THE FIRST CHAPTER WAS AN INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER EXPLAINING THE OC'S CONDITION JFJDJD
"HAHA! I GOTCHU NOW LOSER!" Y/N smashed the buttons on her controller, basically on the edge of her bed. A grunt was heard through her headphones, then a loud bang with laughing in the background. Y/N felt her stomach turn at the sound of this, feeling a little left out, but smiled nonetheless.
"HOW'D YOU EVEN DO THAT?!! YOU’RE DOING SOME HACKING MY GUY!" Denki yelled through the laughing in the background, hands pulling at his hair. He seriously couldn't believe it!
"I'm not! I just wanted to show Sero I'm way better at this game than you are. And turns out I am!" Y/N let out a loud laugh, falling backwards onto her pillow. After finding out that 'Tape Dispenser' went to her cousin’s school by hearing his voice in the back of Denki's room, she got to learn more about this Sero dude. She already knew this after their last game a few nights ago, but he was so chill. It was still insane for her to find out that her cousin and online friend went to the same hero school. The coincidences in this world. Y/N thought as she grinned.
"It's okay Kaminari, you still lasted a long time! But you did get brutally beat by Y/N at the end though..." Sero said, trying to raise Denki's low spirits, but only succeeded in making him more miserable. Rustling was heard through Y/N's headphones, making it obvious that there was movement happening.
"You don't understand Sero! THIS IS THE ONLY GAME I COULD FULLY BEAT THIS GIRL IN!" Denki shook Sero by the shoulders, quickly doing the action. Cackling was heard through the speakers while the girl wiped a tear from her eye. Sero laughed along, as he was pushed to the ground by Denki. His arms were crossed as he looked away, upset that Y/N managed to finally beat him in every game they played.
"It's okay Denki, not everyone can be as good as me!" Y/N exclaimed, getting up from her bed to start taping specific parts of her room. Kaminari continued to complain about his defeat to Sero, who only chuckled in response. As she finished taping the bottom of the walls, Y/N sat back on her bed, sighing in content.
"So, how are you? I'm doing terribly after being utterly destroyed by you, by the way." Said Kaminari, opening his water bottle and taking large gulps from it. Y/N felt her face light up as she remembered to tell Kaminari of her future activity.
"Bro, you won't believe this! So, basically, they're actually letting me paint my room! All by myself! How fricking cool is that?!" The girl laughed out loud, jumping on her bed in excitement. Kaminari's eyes widen, in surprise and slight fear, sitting up and taking in the new information.
"Wait, really? But isn't that like extremely dangerous? Cuz of the chemicals and what not??" He tried his best to keep his voice leveled, not noticing Sero look at him weirdly. That guy had no idea what was happening.
"Well, they said that they were gonna do something to the paint so it won't hurt me or anything, I don't know what, but-" Y/N was cut off by an extremely confused Sero. "Wait wait wait, hold on. I don't understand what's happening. How can paint harm you? Besides like...eating it. And what do you mean by 'finally getting to paint your room?’ Silence was the only answer he got. Sero gulped in embarrassment, thinking he asked a really personal question.
"Um, it's nothing du-" A loud 'shhhhhhh' was heard from Y/N, who let out a shaky breath. She never really told anyone, it's not like she could either way, being confined in the hospital room for a long time. She pushed a loose strand of her away from her face, preparing herself to tell Sero.
"Well, the reason is because I basically live in a hospital. I can't go outside, or have 'unpurified' air, as the doctors like to say, meaning my interactions with people and the outside world are extremely limited. That means anything that's not cleared of dust and germs, I guess, can be extremely harmful for me? As pathetic as it sounds, it could actually kill me, haha." It was quiet as Sero took in the information, a large wave of emotions crashing on him. A person shouldn't have to be locked in a room for the rest of their life. Especially someone who is such a sweet person like Y/N.
"I-I'm so sorry to hear that Y/N. If you don't mind me asking, how...how long have you been in the hospital?" The young girl answered with a quick 'Two years', and that's when Sero felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. Kaminari abruptly got up and headed towards his door.
"I'm gonna get something to eat, you want something dude?" Kaminari's voice was low and trembling. It didn't take a genius to see that the blonde haired boy needed some time alone. "No thanks." Kaminari let out a hum, quickly exiting his room and closing the door shut. Sero heard the loud sniffs that slowly faded away, as he hung his head down.
"Hey, you good Sero? That was probably a lot to take in, sorry." Sero shook his head, letting a sad smile adorn his face. "It's fine, really. I actually feel honored that you're comfortable telling me. Feels like we're getting closer, to be honest." He smiled happily, meaning every word he said. And Y/N knew that. "Ha, we are though!" The air was tense, despite the two teenagers being in different rooms.
Y/N went to clear her throat, but was interrupted when a light knock echoed throughout her room. "Someone there?" Sero asked, noticing her silence and hearing the very faint knocking.
"Yeah, um Sero, I'll call you guys later, my doctor wants to talk." Y/N quickly replied, seeing Receen open the door and walk in with his thin suit on. Sero let out an ok and they hang up. Y/N finally took in how the doctor looked, noticeable eye bags under his blue-grey eyes, from lack of sleep. His dark hair slightly tousled, probably from putting on the protective helmet that came with the suit, and a small smile on his welcoming face. And a large container of paint in his left hand. Her eyes immediately lit up.
"What’s up doc? I see you have something in your hand, can I see it closer?" The small girl asked, getting up and making a grabbing motion with her hands. Receen chuckled, lifting up the paint for Y/N to see. Even if he were to hand her the container, she wouldn't be able to hold. She was just too weak. Said girl let out a high pitch 'OOOO ' in excitement.
"I'm not sure if you wanted more, but we managed to get you your favorite color! This should be enough to paint the room, you can even put a second layer if you want." Receen walked over to where Y/N put all the equipment, opening the container of paint. And with a low grunt from him, the lid was opened. Y/N watched with amazement as the doctor poured the soft looking paint into a tray. She picked up a roller near her, and drowned the roller in paint, the white fluff getting covered in color.
The two began painting, Y/N's hand shaking every now and then. After painting half the room, they sat in silence, resting for a while. Receen seemed to be tense, though Y/N didn't seem to notice since she was too happy to speak. Receen let out a breath, breaking the silence, causing Y/N to look towards him.
"I didn't get to ask you how you were, did I Y/N? How are you?" Said girl let a beaming smile spread on her face, causing Receen to slightly squint his eyes from the intensity of her smile. "Honestly, I haven't felt this happy in a very long time! I actually still can't believe you guys really let me do this! Thank you so much!"
Receen gave her a small smile while rubbing the back of his neck. "It's not a problem, you could’ve asked sooner and gotten this done a long time ago. You've been here for two years, so please don't be afraid of asking for things!" At the mention of her time spent in the hospital, Y/N lowered her head, causing Receen to wince. Well, might as well tell her. The doctor cleared his throat and began to talk.
"Y/N, as you are aware, I, along with many other doctors and scientists, have been working hard for you to be able to go outside again. To see your family, hug them, be a normal kid again." There was a pause and that alone caught Y/N's attention. She looked up at him. "There is a way for you to finally do that, Y/N."
Shock evident on the girl's face, she abruptly stood up and faced the doctor. There was absolutely no way anyone could have found a cure for someone like her. Someone who had an incurable sickness. Someone who was too sick, to even have medicine. He's lying. Y/N narrowed her eyes at the grown man sitting in front of her.
"With all due respect Doctor, I highly doubt that that's possible. Cuz, y'know? I basically have an incurable disease? I mean, like, even if you did manage to find a way for me to leave this place, how do you even know it's gonna work? I don't think you've tried this medicine since no one in recorded hospital documents in the past have had people like that checked in before-"
"How do you even know that?"
"-so how do you truly know it'll work?" Y/N quickly finished, completely ignoring his statement. Receen sighed, scratching his head. "We live in a world where quirks exist. Would you believe me if I told you centuries ago that the human race would evolve to have super powers? It's kind of like that, but not really." Y/N eyed him suspiciously. He's avoiding the question.
Receen looked straight at the girl standing in front of him. He felt slightly intimidated by her piercing gaze. He quickly looked away and got up, towering over Y/N's small frame. Then he smiled. "Y/N, you are a very sweet girl, no doubt about it. I know how much you want to get out of here, and I want to help you. My team has created this almost perfect pill, especially suited for your sickness. I know you're very cautious, just like your mother, but I can only reassure you, that these are your ticket out of here." He pulled out the bottle from his protective suit, shaking it in front of [Y/N].
Her eyes widened as she restrained herself from reaching out and snatching the bottle. Her eyes slightly narrowed as she pulled herself together. Crossing her arms and slightly tilting her upwards, she looked into the doctor's bright eyes. "There's always a catch when it comes to these kinds of things. What's the price if I take these? My lifespan shortens, I only have five hours to go outside, it drugs me or something?"
"I'm hurt you think I would just give you these without setting out the consequences." There was a slight glint in his eyes before it quickly disappeared. Y/N hummed, urging the doctor to continue.
"There are exactly 15 pills in here. And consuming just one of these bad boys right here, would allow you to go outside! Though, time is very important when taking these. You'd have 10 hours before the pills effects wear off. These would dull your hypersensitive senses, but not to a point where you can't feel, smell or do anything. No no, it'd just be like how you were before. You'd feel slightly dizzy and be a little itchy, but besides that, nothing too extreme. It just dulls all your body senses down." Receen gave Y/N a small smile. She looked a little weary, unsure if what he said was true. She looked at the bottle then back to Doctor Receen, fingers twitching every now and then. Breathing in and letting it out slowly, Y/N stared straight into the doctor's eyes.
If I take these, I can finally go out. I can hug mom and dad, I can be around Denki again. I can meet Sero face to face and feel the grass again! I can be... happy again. But if these don't actually work, I'd immediately die on the spot. I'd be able to go outside though. Aah, so much going outside, I can meet new people! I don't wanna spend the rest of my days slowly rotting away in here anyway.
"So Y/N, are you going to take them or let all our time go to waste?"
Sero looked at his hands solemnly, thinking about what Y/N had told him. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat, then lightly slapped his cheeks to stop the wave of emotions from spilling out.
"Yo, you good dude? It's not everyday I see someone willingly slapping themselves." Kaminari chuckled, walking in and closing the door with his foot as he carried a soda bottle and a bag of chips towards the boy sitting on his bed. Sero grinned, feeling the sadness of everything wash away.
"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine. But what about you though? After we had that conversation, you were, well, umm... kind of out of it." Kaminari froze, letting a dejected smile appear on his face. Dragging a hand down his face, he let out a sorrowful laugh.
"She's my best friend. My first real, true friend. She's basically my sister at this point. So when she collapsed that day, I felt my whole world crashing down. She is the sweetest, the most kindest, person I have ever met. She never let me degrade myself, alway cheered me up when people called me stupid." Kaminari rubbed his eyes, opening the bag of chips and plopping one of them into his mouth.
"It hasn't been the same ever since she left, her parents barely come over anymore, and they're always so sad whenever I see them. My own parents aren't the same either, they treated her like their own daughter. I can't even begin to imagine how Y/N feels about this all. She was the top in our grade, highest scores in our test. No one could compare to her. M-my heart breaks for her. She lost everything." Sero let that information sink in, thinking about how she was before. He smiled as he saw Kaminari's shoulders begin to shake. He cares so much for her.
He put his hand on his shoulder, watching Kaminari slowly lift his face towards him. "Come here you emotional ball of feelings." Being the friendly guy he is, Sero gave the sobbing boy a hug, cuz hugs fix everything.
"No homo though bro." And with that, they both laughed out loud, continuing their bro day.
#bakugou katsuki#bakugou#bakugou x reader#bakugou katuski x reader#mha#bnha#mha angst#bnha fluff#bnha x reader#fanfic
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stuff abt me
I contacted the psychiatric hospital where I had multiple stays and asked for a copy of my patient record, they sent it to me just two days after I requested it and it's a whole fucking folder, it's about 200 pages long (stopped counting at 50 and estimated the rest). Of course I had to read through it the day I got it and damn, that was a lot. Funniest part was how early all of the recommendations were to get me away from my abusive mother, which I wanted to, but it's funny how hard I tried to keep contact bc she manipulated me into thinking I'm the problem, I failed and it was all my fault (and I was scared as shit of her). Well, now im NC since last christmas and in general, it feels a lot better. She tried to contact me more than once and still wants an explanation on why I (currently) don't want any contact to her... well, kinda sorry but I really don't have the time to explain atm and you really, should know that best yourself...
My mother traumatised me and my brother for years, she was incapable of controlling any strong emotions like rage, sadness, etc or any impulses. She never accepted any help or treatment (properly). She had/has an ED, she intentionally made us be afraid of her in general, but especially afraid of her punching us, verbally abusing us or afraid of her mutilating or killing herself if we weren't "good kids" (her picture of good kids seemed to be kids that don't talk, eat, cry, or maybe even breathe). My favourite example of this is from a few years ago, she went to look for mushrooms in the forest and began to clean and cut them in the evening at home, when my brother had some kind of disagreement with her about... about nothing (probably school, cleaning his room, sth like that). She got angry and mad very fast (as per usual) and screamed at him that if he doesn't stop upsetting her like that, she will show him how upset she actually is. Few seconds later it got suspiciously quiet (I heard everything through my bedroom door). My brother started crying and ran to his room half crying half screaming as if he was in great pain. That was not the usual way it ended, usually it ended with more screaming and crying and my mother throwing things around (or occasionally beating one of us). I got out of my bedroom and wanted to know what happened, went to my brothers room, my mother was in the bathroom. I saw blood on the floor of the hall. My brother was under his blanket and had our grandma on the telephone and obviously tried to tell her what happened, he seemed extremely scared. I wanted to ask him what's wrong but my mother entered the room furiously and snatched the phone out of his hand. She started to tell grandma that he just imagined stories and nothing he told was true. She left the room talking to grandma on the phone, so I tried to care for my crying brother. He told me, gasping for air bc he cried so hard, that our mother just took the kitchen knife which she cut the mushrooms with and rammed it into her stomach. I forgot what happened afterwards, I probably dissociated bc it was too much, I can only remember hearing my mother leave, then I found the knife on the kitchen floor, full of blood, and cleaned the floor from all the blood droplets. My mother went to the hospital that night and had to stay there for three days. She told the doctors that she tripped and fell on the knife in the woods, I visited her on the second day and she told me to absolutely not tell the truth and stared at me with her devilish eyes that she gets when she's angry. The doctors said she barely missed her liver. I was really tempted to tell them the truth, I hoped she would've been brought to a mental facility and we could finally find peace, but I couldn't do it, I was too scared of her. And so the horror kept going on (especially for my brother). This happened when I was 14 and my brother was 11 years old. I sometimes think I could've changed everything for the better if I would've told the doctors - I got to get out of there around half a year later, but my brother stayed with her for another 5 years and I'm terribly sorry for him. My mother never changed for the better, he got beaten even more often, she started to get even more personal and aggressive and talked him down more and more in fights, I once heard a voice message from her to him and it was horrible. Can't explain how angry I am about her treating my little brother this way.
My brother often said he never really felt loved by her and I used to defense her in all ways possible bc that's how she raised me basically, I had to lie for her, I had to do everything for her. But now that I can actually think about it, I actually never felt loved by her either. I don't know if she loves/loved us and never managed to show it or if she didn't love us at all.
Back to my patient record, the weird part was, I felt something like a strange sympathy, I felt sorry for my younger me, I asked myself why all of this had to happen, especially to an innocent child. But I didn't ask this in the way I normally did, I really felt sorry like for another person instead of feeling sorry for me or being in despair about it. Don't know if that's good or bad, it just is like that.
I know I'm not a different person than then, but at least some things changed and sometimes I really wonder how I managed to do all of this while being strongly suicidal, not very self-caring (more like the opposite if I think about all the selfharm) and not having any support by "family". Luckily I got a lot of support from social workers, my therapist, and sometimes even friends (wasn't easy for me to be close to people/more than one favourite person, actually it still isn't).
Well, it's not done yet and I still feel like pure shit some days/weeks, and I still (or maybe again) have to get better. The stress of being a chem student is not very mental-health-supportive, even for the healthiest peeps. At least I know now that it's actually not my fault, I'm not a piece of shit as my mother loved to tell me as often as she could, I did not destroy my "family", I was not the problem. It was not my fault. I actually tried my best, it just wasn't enough sometimes.
So, let's hope I keep this up and maybe I'll write another post some time soon. Maybe I can even help some desperate soul out there that is being manipulated into thinking that everything bad happened bc of them. No. And yes, I fucked up sometimes, I'm far away from perfect too, that's perfectly normal. But I'm not the "mentally ill person that destroyed her new marriage", maybe she should've had a look in the mirror instead of looking at me.
#trauma#trauma-related disorder#bpd#borderline pd#actually borderline#emotional instability#abuse#childhood trauma#actually traumatized#selfharm#tw sh#sh#tw dissociation#tw trauma#development#abusive parents#abusive mother#toxic parents#divorce#mothers#mental illness#manipulation
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advice for my younger self
listening to that playlist i shared earlier today really got me in the mindframe of me back in my first years of college when i was barely starting to learn what it was to be an adult. and thinking about that i thought of some thing i would ike to say to that person, some bits of basic wisdom that without getting too specific or too monumental would have made a big difference. things that i know i wouldnt have figured out on my own until it was too late.
this is not about specific mistakes i made but more general attitudes that i should have carried with me back then. most of this is going to be very particular and make sense only to me but if you are interested keep reading.
1) you dont have to complete your carrer in five years, you can take six or seven or ten years to do it, your parents would have assisted you all the same
1.a) as for studying, for christ sake dont just read the textbooks, if you are giving a big test and specifically if its a big oral lesson, write it down before hand, prepare a speech, write a monologue, practisce it, memorize it. prepare specifically what you are going to say when you are in front of the teachers, dont try to just “learn” it and hope that you’ll be able to recall it during the test
1.b) you dont have to take every single course in the semester, you can pick two or three you are really interested in, let the others by the wayside, pick them up later, use the free time to really study properly or get a simple part time job if you can, i know its sounds scary and like its a lot of responsability and like it diverges wildly from the plan you have for your life but trust me, its a lot easier than it sounds
2) dont be afraid of mental illness. is not as scary as it looks form the outside in. you are not gonna go insane, you are not going to get lost in a false world of delusion where you can never know what is real and what isnt. reality asserts itself, things calm down, it goes away. you get through it and you realize is not that bad from the other side. mental illness is a lot more common than you think, a lot more widespread than you think and a lot more manageable that you think. is not the end of the world and is not the end of your world either.
2.a) dont be afraid of the therapist, you will actually enjoy it a lot. it doesnt mean there is something terribly wrong or broken with you. its not shameful. they are smart and trained and they are glad to hear you talk. they are not going to force you into anything you dont want, they are not going to turn you into someone else, they are not going to send you to a mad house. their primary goal is that you be comfortable and at peace with yourself. go to a therapist.
3) keep your eyes open for any boardgame clubs. ask around, i know for a fact there is at least one in every city you’ve lived, maybe not yet at the time of you reading this but there will be. if you find them, join. they are the best thing that has ever happened to you.
4) if you happen to have sexual partners (and im not saying you definetly will) make sure they have a good time. ask what they want and do it for them. make sure they cum, seriously. stay with them. spend time together. cuddle in bed. they are having sex with you so the least you can do is have sex with them as well.
4.a) and by that same token, if you are in a relationship dont doubt to ask for sex too! be open about that, be forthcomming, but do be respectful. and if they say no or that they dont like to do that you should probably end the relationship, you are not going to be happy with them.
4.b) dont be afraid to try on womens clothes, you have my blessing, explore your femmenine side, try on make up. try on the fake boobies. do silly frilly pinky femmenine stuff. i know it’s just a weird fetish for you but if you have a partner be open with them about this and if they are supportive or want to help you explore this take full advantage. and dont worry, its not some dirty disgusting terrible secret that must be hidden from everyone. your friends and family are going to be ok with it if it ever comes out but dont feel is some dark secret that you must confess either, its your bussiness and for you to figure out at your own pace (also, hey, weird tip, i know it will sound absolutely nonesensical to you but did you know there are a lot of trans women who are trans without expiriencing dysphoria, just a fun fact i wanted to share with you :) )
5) dont be afraid of SJWs, they are not going to take away your games, they are not going to ruin cartoons or art or books or movies. masterpieces will still come out, well written, well drawn, well programmed and well animated masterpieces that you will love. you will be amazed at how easy is to ignore those people and how irrelevant they actually are once you stop following them on tumblr and once you stop going to twitter.
5.a) if you think politics is stupid or cancerous now, wait until 2016, ok?
5.b) learn to apologize and own up to your mistakes. if a friend or an acquaintance is telling you that you are being an asshole online dont get defensive, just drop it and move on. dont make a huge deal out of it and dont engage in long protracted discussions online. just dont, you will embitter yourself, this is particularly salient because to this day you are having problems with this one, though not as frequently as you used to.
6) this one is more superficial i think because overall you did well on your own without advice from the future but... trust in your art. you will will amaze yourself with the things you will create. you ARE going to get a LOT better at what you do and you will learn a lot of things you never thought you would be able to master. you are going to become an amazing artist (that doesnt necesarily mean a financially succesful one or a widely known one but you will be good at it and, trust me, that is what matters)
7) i know you’ve heard this one a million times but this one is cheating because i am from the future and i know this for a fact, you will be ok. things will work out, you will, time and again, find the way to fall on your feet, your family and friends will be there to catch you. you have a safety net, you are very lucky in that regard, dont take it for granted but it is there. you are not gonna end up homeless in the streets or raped in a dark alley or expelled on in prison or in a mental hospital, so relax and stop being so scared. you have ten very weird years ahead of you so good luck with that.
ps: you are going to meet a girl named zoe, she’s great, she’s the best. dont go live to hear apartment if you dont have a stable job and able to pay your own rent. and if you do make sure you moved out of it by february of 2020. if fact if at all possible, try not to be in cordoba by 2020. you are going to be fine as long as you are careful, you are not gonna die, i repeat YOU ARE NOT GONNA DIE. but do be extremely careful. thats it, godspeed.
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going home pt 3
an; sorry not sorry for the cliff hanger at the end of part two. This will be a series as you guys can tell. By the end of this part we should be moving onto eclipse. The first two parts take place in new moon.
part one
part two
Sam Uley x Jacobs sister
She woke up on Sam’s couch half of her face in worse pain than the other half. She could only see out of one eye due to the bandage on her face. She looked around the room confused. “what happened ?” she asked when she saw a figure in the room.
There was yelling in the back , it sounded like her father. “ you had a job for less than a year and now look at my daughter! She could’ve died due to you Sam! She may never see out of that eye again and if she never talked to you it’d be too soon.” “dad? why are you here” y/n was leaning against the doorway using all of her strength. Sam looked down at the ground ashamed in what had happend to his imprint on his watch.
“ you got hurt by me , we were fighting and I lost control , I shifted and you were too close causing you to get hurt.” y/n sighed , I should go to the hospital and get it looked at. I can tell you guys were more worried about fighting than getting me to a safe place and getting treatment, neither of you come , ill get leah to take me.” Y/n walked away her blood boiling.
Leah drove y/n’s truck to the forks hospital that one being the nearest one and that Dr.cullen was there so hopefully she wouldn’t have to try to come up with an elaborate lie. Leah broke the silence “ I know you probably think I hate you but I understand that imprinting isn’t something you can change.” y/n sighed “ yeah I know its fate.... but I can’t help but think that I don’t want to see him anytime soon” Leah glanced at the girl. “ it’ll take some time but it’s not really something you can change. It’ll hurt Sam more than you but it’ll still hurt you greatly. imprinting doesn’t just affect the wolf but his imprint.” y/n chuckled” when did you get so wise” Leah smiled slightly as they pulled into the hospital. “ just have had a lot of time to think since Sam had to go and imprint on you.” y/n rolled her eyes only the one not covered showing.
Dr.cullen was very gentle and understood instantly of why she came to him. “ I know this is scary for you. But if people ask you have to say you were attacked in the woods by something. Im sure Sam didn’t mean to hurt you since hurting imprints hurts them more than their imprint as far as I know.” Dr.Cullen took the bandage off her face showing three long scratch marks on her face. “ I’m afraid youll have a scar for the rest of your life though.” y/n sighed and looked to leah “ it’ll look better once it’s healed I promise.” Dr.Cullen continued to run some tests and eventually gave y/n care treatments
Y/n went to her house. It was oddly quiet compared to how loud it normally was. The only person she messaged letting know about what Mr. Cullen said was Jacob.She should’ve made him swear not to tell Sam or her dad because she was still very mad at her father and needed some space to figure out what she wanted to do regarding Sam . However the telepathic link between the pack and her brother gave away the situation very fast. Within 5 minutes she had half of the pack at her door. Y\n opened the door and sighed looking at them “ what do you guys need?” Paul pulled her into a hug fast before anyone else could. She looked over his shoulder noticing Sam wasn't there she sighed. Y/n couldn't help that Sam had imprinted on her or the fact she got hurt by him and she still wanted to see him. After a while it was only y\n , Paul and Jacob. They looked at the clock and she smiled nodded letting them know she'd be fine alone while they went on patrol.
There was a knock at the door later that night. She got up to go open the door. There stood Sam , her alpha in her doorway soaking wet from the rain and shirtless as always. This didn't stop her from wrapping her arms and legs around him getting soaked. He caught her and walked into the house. “I thought I was going to get the door slammed in my face but I enjoy this more.” Sam put her down “ I know we need to talk through things and I'm sorry that I've been super protective and on edge. I really don't want to lose you and you could be targeted and killed , that scares me to no end.” y/n looked up at him. “It scares me too you could leave one day and be killed by something.” he sighed and embraced his imprint. “I promise I'll be fine. We’ll be fine.”
Y/n sighed and looked at Sam who had left mud prints where he had walked. “ you sir are cleaning that after you change.” Sam looked down at the prints and made a ‘ oh shit’ face. “ i’ll meet you in bed alpha” She whispered into his ear earning a growl and huff. As the happy couple laid in bed y/n’s head on Sam's chest and his hand protectively on her back Alice's vision about the new born army was brewing. Little did everyone know but the small troubles Bella had caused before was nothing compared to what would happen now.
Tag list @percussiongirl2017 @artisthedgehog
#sam uley#twilight x reader#twilight wolf pack#sam uley x reader#jacob black#x reader#alice cullen#bella swan#jacob black x reader#carsile cullen#eclipse#new moon#series
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i really dont understand my own feelings
and im fucking terrified of myself.
i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay
what im feeling isnt fucking normal
and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling
its a literal feeling of a cage.
i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact
i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me
i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.
i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong
but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion
i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore
its noones fault but my own
and that hurts even more
i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time
ive lost control
i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.
i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me
but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse
but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore
im going to fucking explode
im falling apart completely
and im going insane
and i dont feel that i belong here
i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios
but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane
and SO much.
i try to bring positivity and help anna
and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen
but flashbacks hit me hard
the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.
its fucked to say
but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.
i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.
geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically
i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.
nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there
during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.
there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill
im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about
i have questions
so fucking many
and noone wants to hear them
i hate that i cant concentrate
i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened
and i have never felt like that in my life.
i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion
but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts
and my stupid fucking stutter
and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out
but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone
and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever
i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.
i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.
the story never ends i guess.
i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol
but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.
in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine
and i would be happy
and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.
but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs
to be a priority that i take.
i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.
and that fucking sucks.
especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit
but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.
i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay
like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does
or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.
i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?
a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.
this is never going to be over
and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.
God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.
#depression#anxiety#black and white#ftm#love#sadness#transmasc#misunderstood#paranoid schizophrenic#marijuana#dead#what the fuck#angry#mental disorder#meltdown#music#girls who like girls#girls#gaming#gif#high functioning anxiety#higherself#living with ptsd
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Finding Home Gavin Reed x Reader
Chapter 23
Masterlist
It took Gavin and me a total of 30 minutes to get dressed and head to the hospital my dad was at. I tried calling Connor in the car, but he didn’t answer, which caused me to worry even more.
Gavin was driving and he had one hand firmly on my leg that kept bouncing up and down. How did this happen? I kept asking myself as I stared out the window. I thought he was taking care of himself more. Why did this have to happen now? Right when things were getting better between us. Gavin pulled up to the hospital and stopped the car at the emergency room front doors.
“Go find Connor. I’ll park and catch up.” I nodded and jumped out of the car, practically running into the hospital. I followed the signs for the surgery waiting room. I looked through the door window and saw Connor sitting in a chair with his eyes forward. When I pushed the door open he quickly looked over and got up. I ran to him and hugged him tightly, trying not to cry. He held me equally as tight.
“What happened?” My voice was raspy, while my mind was racing the rest of my body was still trying to wake up.
“He got up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and I heard the glass drop from my room. I called the ambulance right away. They’re performing an atherectomy right now.” He pulled out of the hug and I reluctantly let go of him.
“Have…” I paused trying to stop myself from crying. “Have the doctors given you any updates?” I heard the door open again and in a second Gavin’s arms were around me. I grabbed his hands and held them tightly, welcoming the warmth and comfort. I noticed my hands were shaking, so I gripped his hands tighter in an attempt to steady them.
“No, nothing yet. I have only been here for an hour. The surgery takes about two and recovery is about three hours, but that’s according to averages. I don’t know if it will be shorter or longer.” I nodded. “I didn’t mean to make you rush here. Humans need sleep, (Y/n). You can go home and I can call you the moment I get any update.” Connor said softly, I quickly shook my head.
“No, I’m staying here with you.” He started to argue. “Connor, I’m not budging on this.” I untangled myself from Gavin and turned to look at him. I gently took my hands and cupped his cheeks, running my thumbs across his stubble. “Gavin, you have work in a couple of hours, you should go home and get some rest.”
“I’m staying with you for as long as I can. I’ve run on less sleep before.” He put his hands over mine and gently pulled them down. He squeezed my hands and I nodded, grateful he was willing to stay. Connor sat back down and I sat next to him. I grabbed both of their hands and held them.
I woke up still in the waiting room. I must have fallen asleep at some point. Groaning, I sat up and wiped my mouth. I looked over at Connor.
“Oh my god, Connor. I’m so sorry I drooled on you. You should’ve woken me up.” I looked over to my left where Gavin had been.
“He had to get to the precinct. We both decided it would be best not to wake you.” I nodded and yawned. “There have been no updates, but I expect we will hear something soon.” I laid my head back on Connor’s shoulder.
“Are you scared?” I asked softly.
“The surgery has a high survival rate and the ambulance got to the house in under five minutes. Despite those reassuring facts, I still find myself worried.” Connor whispered. I noticed his LED for the first time since arriving. It was red.
“He’s strong, survived a lot. This won’t be any different.” I tried to reassure him, but I knew he could tell I was equally worried.
Another half-hour passed before a doctor finally came to talk to us. Both us stood up and met him halfway. I had my arm wrapped around Connor’s to keep myself from shaking too much.
“Ma’am, are you a part of the Anderson family?”
“Yes, we’re both his kids,” I answered quickly, the doctor gave Connor’s LED a quick glance, but decided not to say anything.
“He got here just in time. The surgery took longer than expected, but there were no major complications. He’s in recovery now.”
“Can we see him?” I asked.
“He’s resting right now. He’ll be in recovery for a couple of hours and then he’ll be moved to an inpatient room. I can have one of the nurses come to get you when he’s been moved.”
“Thank you, doctor,” Connor said. He gave us a tightlipped smile and walked away. We both sat back down. I felt exhausted but relieved. “Maybe you should go home and get some rest.” I shook my head and pulled out my phone.
“No, I’m not leaving.” I went to my email and sent my students an email.
Hi everyone,
Due to a family emergency, we will not be meeting in person on Tuesday. Instead, I am going to post a movie, and then on Thursday, we will discuss how the themes of the movie apply to what we are learning. Don’t worry, the film’s target audience was kids so we should have no problem discussing it. If you’d like to get ahead the film is “The Iron Giant.”
I will see you all on Thursday,
Dr. (L/n)
I decided to send Gavin an update text while I was on my phone.
Dad’s in recovery, the surgery went well. We’ll be able to see him in a couple of hours.
thats good. how r u feeling
Tired and worried. I canceled my class on Tuesday.
im going to talk to fowler, see if i can get time off
You don’t have to.
i know
on a case, ill stop by on my lunch break text me the rm #
Okay, stay safe
I took a deep breath and looked at Connor, his LED was still red.
“Have you told Fowler?” Connor remained to look forward.
“Yes, I alerted him last night. He put us both on leave so I can stay with Hank while he recovers. Nines has also offered to help cover our cases.” I nodded.
“I'll be there for him too, you don’t have to do this alone. My class is only two days a week and I can do my research from home.”
“I appreciate that, (Y/n).” Connor gently reached over and held my hand, I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand, hoping to show him that he’s truly not alone in this.
We both sat in silence waiting for the nurse to come get us. After what felt like 10 hours she finally came over and led us to his room.
It was weird seeing dad in a hospital bed. It reminded me of my mom. When she was sick I got so desensitized to hospitals. We were in and out so often that it almost became a second home, a lot of the nurses even knew my name and kept up with my life. However, being here now makes it feel like the first time all over again. I hadn’t realized I had still been holding Connor’s hand until he gave me a light squeeze. Dad looked to be waking up.
“Hey Dad,” I said softly, letting go of Connor’s hand to sit in one of the chairs near him. I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.
“Hey kids,” Dad said hoarsely. “Sorry for scaring you two.” I shook my head back and forth quickly, afraid if I tried talking I would start crying again. I looked up at Connor who took the seat across from me.
“We’re just glad you’re okay, Hank,” Connor said softly.
“Connor, I think we’re pass you calling me Hank.”
“We’re just glad you’re okay...dad.” The three of us smiled and my dad gave a light chuckle.
I’ve been staying at the house for about two weeks now. I had only seen Gavin briefly on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he would stop by my office on his lunch break to check in on me. I can tell that everyone around me was walking on eggshells, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I felt as if I was coasting and I couldn’t seem to break out. Gavin was being extremely understanding of this whole situation. He’d even sent flowers to my office and some flowers to my dad. He also sent a bottle of whiskey that Connor immediately confiscated.
Connor ended up giving up his “room” so I could sleep there while I was helping him with dad. I tried to talk him out of it, but all he really used it for was to store clothes since he didn’t need sleep. He didn’t mind going into stasis on the couch. Connor seemed grateful that I stayed around to relieve some of the burden, besides it was nice being able to spend time with just Connor. I also think dad appreciated me being here to stop Connor from going crazy about his health and what he was eating. I did agree to an extent, but blanched chicken breast with no seasoning, not even a little bit of salt, is crazy.
Connor and I were sitting on the couch watching some forensics show, that Connor enjoyed picking apart, while dad was resting in the other room. He seemed to be doing a lot better, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to my apartment except to get clean clothes.
do u wanna come over tonight? connor can handle taking care of ur dad for one night
I don’t know, I have a phone interview tomorrow for my research.
tomorrows saturday
I know, but I’m interviewing Chris and that’s his day off.
u can do a phone interview from my house tho
i know u dont want to leave him yet but its one night and u need a break
ask connor he agrees with me
I bit my lip and looked up at Connor. His brows were furrowed as he rolled his eyes at something the “detective” said on tv. I kicked him softly with my foot to get his attention.
“Do you want me to leave?” I asked tentatively. Connor gave me a gentle look and a small smile. He turned towards me and folded his hands in his lap.
“I think a break is healthy, (Y/n). You only leave the house to go to your class and office hours. I can handle things here. Plus I’m sure you miss Gavin and he misses you.” He said softly. I groaned.
“I don’t like you and Gavin planning things behind my back.” He smiled.
“It’s for your own good. Just go out for one night and come back tomorrow, even if you two decide to just hang out at Gavin’s home. You need to take a break.”
“Just one night,” I whispered looking at my phone.
Pick me up in 30 minutes?
got it pipsqueak. nines is coming over too, something about not wanting to stay at the precinct all night again. is that ok?
Of course!
Some part of me did agree with Connor and Gavin. I was antsy in the house, but I was still worried about not being there when I’m needed. What if something else happened to dad while I was gone? What if Connor needed help and I wasn’t able to get back in time?
“You’re biting your thumb, (Y/n).” Connor’s voice broke through my thoughts and I moved my hand away from my mouth. Connor had begun calling me out whenever I was becoming overly anxious, which was both sweet and annoying.
“Sorry, nerves.” I gave him a wobbly smile.
“He will be fine. I know you’re worried, but I promise I will contact you the moment I fear something may be wrong. He’s been doing really well, it won’t be long until he’s cleared to return to work for desk duty.” Connor put his hand on my shoulder and I nodded.
“I know you’re right. It’s just hard sometimes to turn off that part of my brain.” I gave a nervous chuckle and he nodded his head.
“You should pack a bag, I’m assuming Gavin will be here soon?” I laughed.
“Wow, you sure are in a rush to get rid of me!” Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. I stood up and stretched.
“Self-care is important, (Y/n).” I waved him off as I headed towards Connor’s room. Grabbing my backpack I filled it with some clothes, a laptop, and my phone charger. I sat down on the bed and fiddled with my bag. The room was just as bare as last time. Once dad was better I wanted to take Connor shopping so he could make the room more his. It would be interesting to see what he would pick out.
Snapping out of my thoughts I put on my backpack and walked back to where Connor was watching tv. I knelt down and started petting Sumo. He was lazing on top of Connor’s feet. I looked up at Connor, he was still entranced by the tv.
“Hey, Con?” I heard him hum. “Once things calm down do you want to go shopping for some decorations for your room? To make it more...you.” He glanced down at me with a small smile.
“I think that could be fun.” I smiled back at him. Things between us felt so natural as a brother and sister duo. Sometimes it felt like we grew up together, I guess for Connor’s case that wasn’t too far apart since he’s only been around for about a year.
“What kind of things do you like? Like what would you want in your room?” His brows furrowed for a moment, but it quickly turned into a smile.
“I would like a lava lamp.” I laughed abruptly, causing Sumo to jump a bit.
“A lava lamp? Connor why?” I said in between laughs, where had he even seen a lava lamp? His face flushed a light blue.
“They look cool. One of the characters in this show has one.” He responded sheepishly. I shook my head and let out another laugh.
“You are the biggest dork I’ve ever met.”
“You’re the one showing her students old movies because she thinks they’re underappreciated.” He teased back.
“Wow, look at you! You’re learning how not to be so uptight all the time.” He frowned.
“I’m better than Nines!” Connor crossed his arms across his chest and huffed in defiance.
“Well, you have had more time as a deviant than him. I’m sure he’ll pass you at some point.” Before Connor could respond my phone went off. “Ah, Gavin’s here. Are you sure you’ll be okay for the night? It’s not too late for me to cancel.” Connor’s expressions soften.
“Everything will be fine. I promise” I nodded and got up.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, text me updates?” I nervously fidgeted with the front door handle.
“Of course, (Y/n).” He gave me a reassuring smile. I took a deep breath and walked to Gavin’s car. Nines was already moving to the backseat, I briefly wondered if he had decided to do that on his own or if Gavin had asked him. Gavin smiled and waved at me. It really had been a while since we’ve relaxed together. I smiled back and got into the car.
“Hey, pipsqueak.” Gavin greeted me, leaning over to give me a kiss on the check.
“Hi Gavin, hi Nines.”
“Hello (Y/n). Thank you for letting me spend some time with you two. I appreciate the break from the precinct.” I nodded, as Gavin started driving.
“Do you always stay at the precinct?” I asked, turning around to look at him. He was sitting up straight with his hands in his lap. As always he looked overly formal.
“Yes, there has been an android apartment complex go up and I have been thinking about getting an apartment there, but as of right now I am perfectly content at the precinct.”
“Except tonight.” I teased, for a brief second his LED flashed yellow and then back to a calm blue.
“If I’m honest I also wanted to check up on you and make sure you’ve been taking care of yourself.” I groaned and closed my eyes.
“Great now I have two overbearing androids worrying about me.” Gavin let out a small chuckle.
“Would you really want it any other way?” Gavin asked. I could hear the smirk in his voice.
“No, I wouldn’t,” I responded softly.
#gavin reed x reader#gavin reed#detroit become human#dbh#rk800connor#Connor dbh#hank anderson#x reader
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Sick Day
Pairing: Bucky x Reader
Summary: you tell a little white lie to escape Avenging for a day, and Bucky finds out. He’s hurt and upset, until he finds out your reason why.
Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Strong Language, Making Out
Word Count: 1.5K
A/n: hi sorry if this is shit. Im tired and I have ideas but idk how to make them good.
Request:
Would you mind doing a fic where Bucky finds out you faked a sick day to have a day off away from him and all the avenging to hang out with some old friends (one of them an old flame). A fight ensues but it ends in fluff
MASTERLIST
~*~
“You okay, (Y/n)? You don’t look too hot,” Steve says upon seeing you walk into the kitchen.
“I feel like shit.” It’s not a total lie, what with your ability to heal or harm with your mind, you’ve given yourself a little illness.
“We’ve got an assignment though. Are you... will you be able to go?” Wanda asks gently. You shake your head, pushing your hair back to try and cool yourself down.
“The last one took a toll on my body I guess. I never get sick and my powers need time to restore.” That’s not a lie either, the last mission was brutal. With nearly everyone having an injury, you almost passed out after healing them.
“Go lie down in bed, Doll. I’ll give you a kiss before we leave.” You look up at Bucky then nod, rubbing your eyes and half-stumbling to your room.
True to his word, Bucky kisses your heated cheeks and forehead before apologizing that he couldn’t stay with you.
Waving off his apologies you let him leave, waiting for half an hour before healing yourself and hopping out of bed.
You dress quickly then leave the compound, excited to finally have a break from the heavy life of Avenging.
~*~
(Y/n)! You came!” Dean exclaims, pulling you into a tight hug. You giggle, looking up at him and then his younger brother. “Of course I did! I needed a break from anything anyway. God, it’s so good to see you guys again! I honestly never thought I’d say this, but I missed your stench.” The two men laugh, sharing a look with each other.
“Yeah, you haven't exactly smelt like some roses yourself,” Sam says while wrinkling his nose.
Did you have a history with the brothers? Yes. Dean specifically? Yes. Is that all in the past now? Yes yes yes yes yes.
“So, how about some nice juicy burgers and a couple rounds at the bar? On you, (Y/n). Of course.” You punch the elder Winchester in the arm but agree, getting into the Impala with the two brothers, quickly falling into an old pattern.
~*~
“(Y/n)? Doll? You okay in there?” Bucky asks from outside of your door. He knocks a few more times, worry filling him as you don’t answer.
“Doll, I hope you’re decent ‘cause I’m coming in!” He pushes the door open and frowns as he looks around, not seeing you anywhere.
“FRIDAY where’s (Y/n)?”
“Agent (Y/l/n) left the building two hours ago. Her phone indicates she’s at a diner ten minutes from here.” He furrows his brows. “Is she alright?” “Yes, Sir. She seems to be having a good time with two men. Sam and Dean Winchester.”
He frowns at the names and leaves your room, ready to do some research on these two strange men.
~
“So, is there anyone special in your life now, (Y/n)?” A tipsy Dean asks from across the booth. You roll your eyes but nod. “Yeah. He’s... he’s sweet. I really like him and I mean, we’re kinda getting somewhere. It started when we were sparring. I... I was doing that thing that I do, you know, where I kinda get onto their shoulders and thrust my hips to get them to fall back?” The two men nod, amusement written clear as day on their faces.
“Well I tried that, but he’s so fucking solid that it didn’t do anything and we were just kinda stuck with my fucking cunt right in his face. It was awkward cause we stayed like that for a few moments but then he helped me down and it’s just kinda been flirty since then.” Dean smiles and elbows his younger brother. “(Y/n)’s in love.” You stick your tongue out at them but don’t disagree, warmth filling you as you think about Bucky.
“Well, I think you should go for it. Tell him how much he means to you. How much you care about him. Then pop out a few babies and name ‘em after me.” You throw your napkin at him and laugh, enjoying the break from avenging.
When you get home a few hours later, your stomach drops as you enter your room.
“Did you have a good time with Sam and Dean?” Bucky asks harshly, glaring up at you from the bed.
“Yes. I did,” you reply softly, knowing there’s no point in lying to him. “Dean your ex?” You sigh and set your stuff down. “Yes. Why? Do you have a problem?” He stands up and glares at you. “Yes, I do. You faked being sick! I was so fucking worried about you (Y/n)! I couldn’t fucking believe it when I found you weren’t actually sick. And when I came home and saw you and you weren’t here... fuck I couldn’t believe it. I was panicking. I thought that you were in the hospital o-or that you got caught and taken. Fuck you scared me half to death. But no, you were out with your fucking ex-boyfriend.”
You turn and glare at him. “What’s the fucking big deal?! You’re not my boyfriend Bucky! You’re not my dad and you’re not the boss of me! I can go out with whoever I want to go out with and you can’t fucking stop me!”
He stalks towards you but you stay planted firmly in place.
“I’m not your boyfriend, no. But I thought something was happening between us. I fucking thought...” He scoffs and shakes his head, glaring at you. “I never thought you would stoop so low. You fucking led me on just to be like everyone else.” You glare up at him, grab his throat, then spin around and slam him against the wall with a strength you didn't know you had.
“You absolute oblivious fucking asshole! You wanna know what Dean and I were talking about?! You! How much I fucking like you and how I should make a fucking move! But you’re too fucking stuck in your ‘poor me’ headspace to think that maybe not everyone is out to hurt you! Maybe, just fucking maybe, someone wants to give you a chance and open up to you and love you!”
You’re panting hard and glaring at him as angry tears fill your eyes, only frustrating you further. You let go of him and turn away as the tears drop down your cheeks.
“You of all people should understand what it’s like to need a break from avenging. I thought you’d understand. But you clearly don't, so leave.”
It’s quiet for a few moments, besides your sniffling, and you can’t help the sobs that threaten to overtake your figure.
A cool hand is suddenly on your waist, pulling you back against a warm torso.
“I’m sorry (Y/n). I’m so so sorry.” You can’t contain your tears anymore. You sob softly into yourself, squeezing your eyes shut as he wraps his arms around you.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize...” He trails off and presses his lips to the top of your head as you cry out all your frustrations.
“You mean the entire world to me. When I came to check on you and found that you weren’t here... I was so afraid for you. And then I found out you were out with your ex and... I was just so consumed by jealousy that... I wasn’t thinking. And I’m sorry.”
You wipe your nose on your sleeve then turn around, looking up at him. “You hurt my feelings a lot, James.” He cups your cheeks and sighs. “I wish I could take back what I said. I was out of line and I was wrong. Forgive me?” You nod, closing your eyes as he leans down a fraction of an inch.
His warm breath hits your lips and you wait to feel the softness of his lips against yours.
It takes him a moment to build up to courage, but when he does you’re more than grateful.
His lips taste salty, from his own tears, you realize. They’re soft and gentle and slightly chapped. You can’t get enough of it.
Your hands find their way to his hair and you tug gently, gasping as he nips at your bottom lip. One of his hands finds its way to your lower back as he slips his tongue into your mouth. You can’t hold back the high-pitched whimper that leaves you at this, and Bucky chuckles softly, pulling back and looking into your eyes.
“That’s what I should've done instead of getting mad at you,” he whispers softly, his nose bumping against yours. You nod, eyes hooded as you look up at him.
“Yeah. But you didn’t. So I think that means you have to make up for it.” He raises his eyebrows then hoists you up, giving you no choice but to wrap your legs around his waist.
“Oh, I plan to.”
~*~
TAGS:
PERMANENT TAGS: @smolbeanbucky @wildefire @inumorph @impalatobakerstreet @nanna022 @mummy-woves-you @m-a-t-91 @wtfholland @bookgirlunicorn @beautifulwisdom2001 @deep-sea-glitter @mrhiddles-81 @iamwarrenspeace @bitchacho25 @escapetheshackles @i-know-i-can @buckyssoul @avnngrs
MARVEL: @fallenangelfangirl @look-to-the-stars-and-wish @maladaptive-ninja-returns @cliffordasparagus @april-14-blog @potteritis
BUCKY: @chuuulip @nerd-without-a-cause @natashasnight
#Bucky x reader#bucky. x reader fluff#dean x reader#sam x reader#bucky barnes x reader#bucky x reader fluff
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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing
Big vent/whats been going on
Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...
Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.
For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.
And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.
If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.
By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.
If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.
Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.
I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.
My family didnt care.
When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.
My family didnt care.
I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.
But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.
Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.
I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.
My family did not care.
When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.
My family did not care
When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.
When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....
Is it me being dramatic then?
When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...
Am I a liar now? Am I insane?
When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.
My family didnt care.
When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.
My family didnt care.
Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.
When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)
They did not care.
My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.
My family did not care.
She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.
My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.
My family did not care.
My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.
Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.
All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.
Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.
These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.
Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.
I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.
Gone.
I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..
If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?
Ive layed out basically most of what I remember
A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...
I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..
If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..
I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.
Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.
I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..
Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.
I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.
I
CANT
LEAVE
And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.
I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..
I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..
Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.
Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.
Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.
I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..
If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)
And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..
Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...
Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just
I dont know what to do.
Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...
Im just tired..
#trigger warning#triggering#may be triggering#vent#emotional neglect#emotional abuse#suicide#suicide trigger#gore warning#memory problems#ramble#rambles
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Puppet Show au
《◇》
Leonard's little neighborhood in Sydenham is pretty calm today.
He plays with the keys in his hand, twirling them aroun on his finger, as he exists his home,walking his mind dwells into memories that arent relevant in this exact moment, good moments with his sister, little stupid stories , time spent with Friends and family.
Suddenly an eldery woman stops him, her beautiful face, with traces of the years that went by contorns into a small smile,he knows her,its ms.Pietro from a couple of houses away.
-Hello dear, are you in a rush?-
"Not really"leonard thinks and shakes his head.
-Could you take care of my grandkid, Jerico this thursday?, Im going to the hospital that day for some check ups and to pay some bills, and you know that the Banks are usually filled with lot of people-
-Sure ms.Pietro, do you need anything more?-leo asks, he was always a bit reserved,maybe quiet, but with a heart of gold.
The woman shakes her head.
-Im heading to see your mother, is she around?-
-Im afraid not, but she Will be soon enough , ill see you on thursday ms.pietro -
They exchange goodbyes as the englishman checks the supermaket list his mom left him before heading to work.
His steps are short and slow.
" ms.pietro's grandkid, jerico,...wait arent they the kid thats always on the swing on the local park?...Wait yeah!,they are" jerico was just like him, quiet, softspoken, humble and kind,but Something tells him that under all that kindness there is an iron Will" then it should be easy" he thinks.
Eventually thursday rolls around and now Leonard sits on the couch in ms.pietro's house, he is playing chess with jerico, the kid is Smart and playful,they always have a smug grin on their face.
He also finds them hilarious, they bring him something that he feels rarely.
Peace, and happiness.
Even tho they are temporary, the kid knows how to make people smile.
Wish he had Friends like that.
At around ten pm, miss pietro comes back with the kid's mother, Kina, he says goodbye and heads home,he still has to finish some Papers for the writing contest.
Contest that he couldnt attend because the goverment picked him as a sniper.
He had to go.
But before he enters the car that Will lead him to his New home, jerico arrived, with a plushie in the form of a cute chibi plaguedoctor.
-Mr Leonard!,before you go-jeri says out of breath, did...did they ran to get here?-their name is void!, they helped me trough rough times , And I think its time for them to help you too, if you have any problems just talkto them!, they Will answer-
Leo softly grabs the plushie and his eyes water, thats the cutest thing anybody had done for him, he hugs the kid.
-Stay safe,alright kid?-
-I will-
He nodds and enters the car.
-Farewell Leo!- he hears them say.
《◇》
Its been a couple of years after he left, now Leonard works as a mercenary, he often ponders about that kid, what are they up to?, hows their life going?.
He also still has the plushie they gave him,To this day, he diminished the comment about the plushie being able to talk as just imagination,even tho late at night,after a long day of work and complaining in his room he could hear the faint murmurs of words of reassurance coming from the Shelf where he left void on.
Its a cold winter morning in london, he walks the snowy sidewalk and enters his usual coffee shopp " Beans,bindweed And sunflower seeds", the ambient there is cozy,the strong but gentle smell of coffee makes his grumpy face a bit happier, the corners of his mouth lift up with a slight smile.
He orders and waits, his eyes catch a glance of a woman,black leather jacket,a little plaguedoctor painted ,and around the sleeves various patches and pins,some crows,sunflowers, dragons.
He mindlessly walks to his spot, and bumps into someone, its that same Lady from two second ago,luckily nothing is spilled.
-Oh my god im really sorry-the woman says, fixing her hair with an embarassed look.
-Its okay , dont worry-his tone is relaxed, with a hint of shyness.
But now that hes up close,there is something really familiar about her.
-Im sorry for the out of the blue question but, have we met before?,you look a lot like a kid I babysitted Back in Sydenham...-
The woman tries to solve the puzzle in her head,and then it clicks.
-No way, Leonard is that you?-
-Holy shit, yeah its me, hell, how much youve grown little jerico-
They talk and sit besides the Window.
-Man, youve grown into a beautiful woman-Leo says.
-Well, not quite woman,see I uh, im genderfluid, long story short I change my pronouns every now and the,its him today tho..-
Leonard quickly recomposes.
-Youve grown into a handsome Man -
Jerico smiles and his eyes spark.
They talk and chatter most of the morning, until the englishman is called to work.
-Tomorrow, same spot, six am then?-jeri asks.
-Yeah sure, ill also bring the little doll you gave me when I left-
-Holy shit, you still got that?-
-I wouldnt throw it away for nothing in the world-
Jerico Coos.
-Thats really cute-he says.
-they are well kept,washed and it still smells like vanilla-
-Thats adorable Leo, thanks for taking care of void that way-
-No need-Leo checks the time...fuck hes going to be late.
Jerico senses the distress and quickly grabs his motorcycle helmet .
-Need a ride?-
-Fuck yes, im going to be bloody late!-
Both speed to the little bridge that separates mercserv from the rest of london.
-here take my cellphone and call me if anything comes up, okay?- Leo says quickly scribbling his number in a spare pice of paper-Thanks for the ride-
-Dont mention it, now go-
Leonard nodds and runs trough the bridge.
Jeri turns the motorcycle around and drives yo his home.
《◇》
Jerico's face hit the pillow, its been a long and wonderful day, he looks over to the ceiling and grabs his phone.
《》
Leo☕
-Hey, wanna come over to my place and stay for dinner?
《》
It takes less than five minutes for Leo to answer.
' sure,im on my way'
Jeri quickly tidys up the place and just when he is done , Leonard rings the doorbell.
-Good evening jeri-he says entering the house with something behind his back.
-Hey Leo..., what do you have there?..-
-Oh nothing-the englishman says-just a little something very important to me- he shows him the little plushie.
-oh god , you actually brought it!,god I havent seen void in ages!-The other Man grabs the plaguedoctor plush and smiles,he hugs Leonard and smiles-Thank you Leo!-
-dont mention it-
They order food and set the table.
Suddenly a song comes in.
I met this girl and she drove me wild.
She looked at me and I looked and smile.
The cutest girl you could ever see.
I never thought she'd go out with me.
-Im in love! I just cant wait because tooonight I have a daate!-leonard chimes in and starts to sing.
Jerico smiles and looks at him ,he does have a good voice, and he is in synch with the song too,he swears he can see void dancing besides the fruit basket.
Both of them start to goof around and suddenly Leo has his back against the counter, jeri hovers above him and they are really close, the woman's hands are on either side of the counter, trapping the englishman's torso around them.
I never dream it would come to this.
She leans over and the Man closes the gap between them.
I drove her home and she gave me a kiss.
Im in love and its safe to say, she really wants to see me again.
They eventually pull apart and smile, the womans head snuggles into Leo's chest, he hugs her and chuckles.
The old feelings are coming back.
Peace and happiness.
Im in love,I just cant wait, because tonight I have a date.
I have a date!
Im in love, I just cant wait,becuase tonight I have a date.
The song finishes and the doorbell rings.
-Perfect timing!-
They kiss one more time and jerico goes and pays for the food.
Late at night both lay on the bed , the woman is atop of him,face resting on his chest.
-Im so in love with you -Leo mutters, half asleep.
-Me too...-jerico mumbles as they exchange one last loving look before falling asleep.
In between their hands, its the little plushie, who squeals when they see them cuddling.
'Mission accomplished!' Void thinks.
《◇》
-The end.
#romantic f/o#f/o x s/i#f/o community#f/o#self insert#my f/os#self ship#db vassili#dirty bomb#vassili#selfship#self shipping#selfshipping#selfshipp
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Shawn Mendes // Boundaries Part 12
yoooo im back with a new part!! okay this sounded like im a shitty rapper.. im really losing my shit lately over school but whatever... anyway, enjoy! shower me with your thoughts!
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11
I’m an emotional wreck when I get into the car and Nick greets me with a friendly smile. The silence is comforting, though I miss the country music Shawn used to play every time he was in a good mood.
I’m not a nail biter, but I nibble on them as we are getting closer and closer to Shawn’s place and I’m trying to come up with a plan on how I want to do it. Should I just blurt it out or should I build it up properly like a speech that ends with me telling him that he is going to be a father?
None of the options seem to be right, so after a while I give up and decide to just go with the flow.
When Nick rolls into the garage my nerves are exploding and my hands are shaking when I get out of the car. I take the elevator and I feel like my stomach was left in the garage when the elevator moved up.
The door opens and I walk into the familiar apartment. I hear his singing voice coming from the kitchen even before I could see him and it immediately brings a smile to my lips. I don’t know what I was expecting to see or how I imagined our first meeting after our emotional goodbye, but it feels… normal.
I walk into the kitchen and he looks up at me from the instant soup he is making and a wide smile dances to his beautiful face. He looks just as handsome as I remembered, his hair is now a bit longer, a curl is dancing on his forehead with every movement, but it’s beyond adorable. I have to fight the urge to curl it to my finger.
“Hi!” he greets me and stepping closer he pulls me into a hug, and I feel like I’m finally safe and home.
“Hi,” I whisper against his hoodie as I wrap my arms around his waist. Smelling his scent makes is even harder to peel myself off of him when it’s long over the friendly duration for the hug. “Instant soup, huh?” I ask hoping to make myself forget about the aching pain in my chest that I’m feeling now that he is standing next to me again.
“I don’t have lunch or dinner dates anymore, so I’m more often stuck here alone. And I’m still not a chef,” he chuckles shaking his head.
“Ordering is still an option, you know?”
“I… haven’t been quite in the mood to talk to strangers, not even a delivery guy,” he mumbles anxiously as he puts a spoon into the soup and stirs it. Steam is dancing above the bowl indicating that it’s still pretty hot, so he doesn’t attempt to taste it, just lets it sit on the counter.
I can relate to how he is feeling and I’m surprised he shared this detail with me. I was afraid he would be distant and sullen with me, but his honesty is calming me.
“Do you want a glass of wine or something?” he asks walking over to the fridge. I almost say yes immediately, some alcohol would definitely work for me, but then I realize that I can’t. Because there is a teeny-tiny baby in my stomach now.
“Um, no thank you,” I shake my head and watch him grab a water for both of us.
“So, not that I’m rushing you, but I’m really curious about what you wanted to talk about.”
We make ourselves comfortable on the couch and I feel my anxiety coming over me. I have no idea how to do it, but I can’t just blurt it out. I need time to think.
“I… I’ve been missing you.”
He gives me a doubtful look and I’m afraid he can see through me, but then he doesn’t question if this was my original intention. But I start talking again just to be sure.
“I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I just couldn’t get you off of my mind. I know I was the one who wanted to end everything, but… I guess I can’t do it.”
I feel horrible. I should have told him straight away instead of talking bullshit. Well, okay, it’s not bullshit, it’s true, I’ve been missing him as hell, but this is not why I came here.
He runs his hand through his hair and I think back of the time I used to do this without a second thought. Now I’m sitting next to him with a decent gap between us, so our legs can’t touch.
“I missed you too, Naya. So much. But… what do you want to do? I mean… I’m happy to start seeing you again, but we have to figure this out, how we want to make it work.”
I nod with a blank stare and I don’t know what I can say. If I don’t tell him about the pregnancy test I’m just fucking everything up, making him believe things are turning right and we can start over again, when truth is, everything is about to turn upside down.
For my luck, his phone starts ringing somewhere in his room and he excuses himself rushing into the room to answer the call.
I growl angrily as I reach for my bag and grab the test. I stare at it and can’t help but grimace. What am I doing here? I can’t ruin his life, I was the stupid one who forgot to take the pill, so it’s all my fault. A child would blow up his whole life and I can’t put up with the thought of messing everything up for him. I shouldn’t have come here.
I jump when I realize he is walking out of his room and in my sudden confusion I tug the stick to my coat’s pocket hiding it as I jump to my feet. I have to leave before I fuck something up.
“Where are you going?” he asks with raised eyebrows.
“I-I gotta leave. I’m sorry.” I mumble nervously as I head to the elevator, but he grabs my arm and… and everything happens too fast.
His grip is not too hard, but it’s strong enough to pull my hand out of the pocket and the stick slides out with it as well. It falls to the floor and the clinking makes me jump. I totally freeze right at that moment, giving Shawn the chance to reach for it.
As I watch him pick the test up from the floor I hold my breath and pull my shoulders up, as if I’m afraid he is about to explode. He hold it between his fingers, stares at it for the longest few seconds before his eyes slowly move up to my face. I’m biting my lips, feeling the tears dwelling in my eyes.
Why didn’t I put the damn test back into my bag? Why am I such an idiot?
“Shawn, I-“ I start, but I don’t get to finish, he cuts me off.
“Is this yours?” he asks in a firm voice. I nod.
“I took it this morning. I threw up last night and realized I’ve been late for over a week, so I bought the test and…”
“Did you do it on purpose?” I hear his next question and the words freeze to my tongue.
“What?” I manage to say.
“Did you get pregnant on purpose? Were you planning on it?”
His expressions are hard, he seems mad and it’s scary to see him like this. I didn’t want to upset him and his questions catch me off-guard. I stare at him in disbelief, but it soon turns into anger. How can he think I did this on purpose?
“Sure, I thought it would be fun to mess up my and your life as well!” I snap back angrily. “Of course I didn’t! I forgot to take the damn pills!” I growl as I snatch the test from his hand. Now I’m raging and I’m offended by the accusation.
“You told me not to worry about it! And yet, you have a positive pregnancy test in your bag now!” he retorts just making it even worse.
“I’m sorry, I was too busy trying not to fall apart! I’m sorry I’m human! But if you think I did this on purpose then I’m leaving now. It was a mistake to come here.”
I turn around furiously, but he grabs my arm again holding me back. When I turn back to him his face is completely changed. He doesn’t seem mad anymore, more like… desperate.
“Hey, hey, hey. I’m sorry! I didn’t… I just- I’m in shock, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“And you think I’m not shocked?” I scoff in disbelief. “This morning I found out that I’m pregnant, I came here to find comfort and maybe to find out what we should do now, and then you accuse me of doing it on purpose!” Tears are running down on my cheeks and though I try to push him away, he pulls me to him and closes his arms around me no matter how badly I’m trying to get away from him. “I’m so fucking shook, I’m terrified and I really thought seeing you would make me feel better, but I’m still so afraid.”
Now I’m full on crying, I’m sobbing into his shirt but he doesn’t seem to care. His strong arms hold me tight to his body and I just want to stay like this forever. He is stroking my hair gently, soothing me without letting go of me. I’m glad he is holding me because my knees feel like jelly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, I wasn’t thinking. It’s okay baby,” he whispers into my hair pressing a kiss to my temple.
“I’m sorry for raging so bad. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last 24 hours,” I mumble wiping my tears off of my face, but I know my eyes has already swelled and as red as a tomato.
“It’s fine. Come on, let’s sit down and talk, okay?”
I nod my head and he pulls me back to the couch. He gently takes my coat off and sitting down he pulls me close, circling an arm around my shoulders. His body’s heat is attracting me like I’m a bug and he is the only light in the room. I cuddle to his side and enjoy the momentary silence as I slowly realize I’m somehow relieved. The secret is out, he knows about the test, now we can focus on figuring out everything else.
“I’m sorry about the pill. I should have been more careful, it’s my fault,” I mumble and looking up at him I my gaze meets his soft eyes. All the anger and doubt is gone by now, I have my soft Shawn back, thanks God.
“Don’t say that. I should have been more persistent about using a condom too. We are in this together. But we really have to figure out the next step.”
“The next step is that I have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. These test are pretty reliable, but I need to see a professional as well.”
“Cancel the appointment, I’ll get you one in a private hospital. They are very trustworthy and we can sneak in without getting noticed.”
I don’t protest, I’m more than happy to keep it a secret for as long as possible. The last thing I need is to get recognized as I’m going to the gynecologist with Shawn.
“And we have to tell at least Andrew. He would kill me if something got out without him knowing about it.”
“He is going to hate me for life,” I sigh sadly, shutting my eyes closed. He runs his hand up and down my arm soothingly.
“Hey, don’t worry. Andrew is a smart guy, he doesn’t hold a grudge for nothing. And as I said, I was there too when…” His other hand gently slips under my sweater to my stomach. “When this baby thing happened. You remember?”
His playful smile calms me a bit. I’m suddenly very aware of his warm palm on my stomach and it’s so strange, to think about the tiny baby in my stomach.
“Shawn?” I speak up after a few silent moments.
“Hm?”
“I’m scared.” My voice is just a dying whisper and the damn tears are flowing again from my eyes, I can’t help it. Startled from my sudden mood change he sits straight up so he can look into my eyes, he cups my face in his hands and runs hid thumbs across my cheeks.
“Don’t be. It’s going to be alright. I’m not letting you do this alone, okay?” I nod my head sniffing like a little child. “I know it’s very sudden and scary, but you are not alone. I’m here and we are in this together.”
Now I’m crying because he is the sweetest person alive. His kind and soothing words comfort me like nothing on the world and even though this is a shitty situation I’m still happy I get to do this with him.
“I just… Don’t feel like I’m ready for this,” I choke out shaking my head.
“You will be ready for this when the time comes. I know we can make this work, okay? Just… don’t give up. We have someone else to think about now,” he lets out a small chuckle making me laugh through my tears.
Thanks to the emotional shock we both went through we doze out on the couch soon. When I open my eyes it’s already dark outside, meaning I spent almost half of the day napping with Shawn on his couch. His arms are hugging me protectively as he is spooning me from behind. I don’t want to wake him up, but one, I really have to pee and two, it’s time for me to leave, I don’t intend to spend the night here. Our situation doesn’t mean we are back on track.
I successfully peel myself out of his grip and make it to the bathroom. After quickly taking care of my business I check on him, he is still sleeping, now hugging a pillow to his chest. I take a moment to admire how peaceful he looks right now. No drama, no worries, just his angelic face that I still love so dearly.
As I feel myself getting emotional I turn away and grabbing my stuff I leave. I don’t call for Nick, I get a cab and head home.
I guess my message is clear to Shawn, he doesn’t call me that day. In the morning he texts me that he is picking me up at the café to go to the clinic and he also lets me know we are having a meeting with Andrew and Justin later, though I have no idea who Justin is. Definitely not Bieber.
Elisa is not home when I wake up, I’m thankful I don’t have to face her, she knows me too damn well and I know it would take one look and she would know something is off. I need more time to figure things out.
I have a beanie on and my scarf is covering half my face so I’m not recognizable. From my previous month spent with Shawn I expect him to be distant and moody after I left without a word yesterday, but I guess the situation is different now. I’m welcomed with a bright smile as I sit into the car.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asks me kindly.
“Um, fine. I was a bit nauseous in the morning, but I’m better,” I sigh tiredly. I leave out the part where I spent ten minutes kneeling next to the toilet because I was pretty close to throwing up. “Who is this Justin we are meeting later?” I ask.
“Justin Stirling. He is in my team, he has been doing a lot of marketing stuff for me lately, but he was busy with family stuff last month.”
I nod my head noting the information. The rest of the car ride is spent in silence. I feel so strange, before this whole pregnancy drama Shawn was always the dominant one, especially because he was kind of my boss. But now he looks so lost and confused, my news yesterday must have thrown him over the edge. He is looking out for my every mood and it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable.
We make it into the clinic without anyone noticing us. This is definitely not how I imagined my first trip to the doctor when I become pregnant. It’s far from idyllic, I’m nervous, my hands are shaking so I hide them in my pocket, Shawn is like a jumpy kid, looking out for everything around us.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Hosier, please, come in,” the doctor greets us. She is a lovely middle-aged woman with a warm smile which is quite calming. We follow her into the room and while I sit up on the white bed Shawn takes place next to me. “So tell me, what do we know so far?” she asks as she is getting ready for my examination.
“Um, I’ve been late for about nine days now, in the past two days I’ve been feeling nauseous and I threw up once. I took a test and it came out positive.” I’m nervous to talk about it with Shawn right next to me, but I try not to think about it.
“Okay. Any pain maybe in the lower stomach?”
“No,” I shake my head.
Soon my pants and underwear comes off and I sit with my legs up while Dr. Hosier is facing my lower half. She keeps asking me questions, I just stare up at the ceiling and answer them like a robot. Shawn looks tensed as he is looking at the doctor.
“I’m going to do an ultrasound quickly,” she informs me she helps me put my legs down. I’m trying to breathe evenly as she pours some jelly on my stomach and starts roaming it with that… something. I don’t even know what these things are, this is how unprepared I am!
All three of us is staring at the screen that is filled with black and white void, I don’t see anything, but the Dr. Hosier freezes the picture and puts a circle around a teeny-tiny dot in the lower part of the image.
“Well, I have news. You are in fact pregnant, Miss Duvall and that little dot is the baby.”
I guess she can sense how unwelcomed the situation is, so she keeps her congrats to herself. She quickly tells me that we need to reserve another appointment soon, she talks about vitamins and useful information while I wipe my stomach clean and get dressed.
“Here, this is for you,” she tells me handing me an envelope. Opening it I see two copies of the ultrasound picture. I just thank her quietly wanting nothing more than to just finally leave the clinic. It is official now, I’m pregnant.
The realization hits me hard across my face as we walk out of the room and head to the car. Neither of us is talking, I’m scared, mad and desperate about the situation and I’m pretty deep in my thoughts when Shawn takes my hand and stops me before I could walk out of the building.
“Naya, let’s… talk for a minute, okay?”
I just nod my head as we sit down in two seats in the corner. No one is batting an eye at us fortunately.
“I, uh- I just wanted to tell you that… I know it’s scary and everything, and Andrew will probably explode when we tell him, but… I’m totally in.”
“In what?” I ask confused.
“In this. In us, in investing in this pregnancy. I want to be part of it, no matter how crazy things will get. And I guess I’m not saying anything new if I say I want us to… continue from where we were before things went downhill.”
“Things didn’t go downhill, our work came to its end and I did the logical thing.”
“But this is not work anymore. I want to give us a chance.”
I stare at him with mixed emotions. I don’t know what I want, I need time to figure out my next step. I have so much to worry about now that my feelings for Shawn must come second… or third… I’m more worried about what Andrew will say, how I’m going to work and what will people think if it ever gets out.
“I need time. It’s just too messy for me now. I’m sorry, but… I need to figure everything out.”
I can tell my answer doesn’t satisfy him, but he doesn’t protest. Pressing his lips together he nods shortly before we continue our way out of the clinic.
I’m shitting my pants when we reach the office complex where we are supposed to meet Andrew and Justin. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m sure it won’t be too pretty. Shawn tries to calm me telling me that it will be alright, but I know we are in trouble.
Shawn knocks on the door that has Andrew’s name on it and when we get the approval he opens the door.
“Ah, hey! I didn’t know you would be here too,” he immediately says when he sees me, confusion all over his face as he shakes hands with Shawn shooting him a questioning look. But he just ignores it and turns to the other guy in the room.
“Hey man, this is…” he starts gesturing at me, but he is not sure which name to use, so I step ahead and hold a hand out for Justin.
“I’m Naya. Hi.”
This is already over the work relationship I formed previously, my real name is justifiable. I see Andrew’s surprised face from the corner of my eyes and I know he is a smart guy, he must be putting the picture together slowly. But I bet he has no idea about the bomb we are about to drop onto him.
“Hey, Justin. Nice to meet you,” Stirling shakes my hand and soon we all take our places. Andrew is behind the desk, Justin is leaning against the bookshelf in the corner while Shawn and I are sitting in front of them.
“So, what is this meeting about?” Andrew questions. I turn to Shawn and he is already opening his mouth to answer.
“I have something to tell you, but I hope you won’t get mad. I just want you to listen to me.” Andrew nods and Shawn continues. “So… During the one month Naya and I kinda got cozy, if you know what I mean. In the last two weeks things escalated quickly, so it all took a romantic turn. But, um, w-we ended it when the month was over,” he adds and I’m staring at Andrew, trying to read his expressions, but I can’t. He is like a statue.
“Okay, go on, what is the problem?” he asks leaning back in his seat, but I have a feeling he already figured it out, because when he looks at me I can feel his eyes burning into my skin.
“We made a very reckless and immature mistake by… Um, we- we didn’t…” Shawn’s stuttering is getting under my skin, so I take a deep breath and just blurt it out.
“We didn’t use protection and I’m pregnant.”
The room falls silent, Andrew is staring at me, Shawn is staring at Andrew, Justin is staring at Shawn and I’m staring at the floor. The words felt heavy in my mouth and I’m afraid my heart is about to jump out of my chest.
After what feels like eternity, Andrew takes his glasses off pinching the bridge of his nose as he takes a few deep breaths. Once he places the glasses back he leans on the desk and finally speaks.
“Have you been to a doctor or you just did a test?” he asks in a calm, but distant tone.
“We went to the clinic together today. I was there, it’s one hundred percent,” Shawn answers for me.
“How many weeks are you?”
“It’s the fourth,” I mumble ashamed. Andrew’s questions are prim and strict, it all feels like an interrogation.
I look at Justin for the first time since Shawn started talking and his face looks blank, but I can tell his thoughts are racing, trying to figure out what to do with the situation.
“Okay, and what do you want?”
I furrow my eyebrows confused.
“What I want? I don’t understand it…”
“What do you want?” He repeats. “Money? Followers? A job? What do you want?”
“I don’t wa- You think I did this to get stuff from you or Shawn?” I ask realizing what this is about. Shawn’s first reaction was almost the same and now I’m definitely hurt. I never made them believe I’m a scheming bitch, why does everyone think I’m using them?
“Of course the thought crosses my mind, otherwise, how could you be so reckless to have unsafe sex?” he asks as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but it’s just making my blood boil.
“Andrew, it’s not-“ Shawn starts, but I cut him off.
“How dare you accuse me of being such a horrible person? You know nothing about me! Just because I work as an escort doesn’t mean I have such low life choices as getting myself knocked up by a client! You know what? It was a mistake to come here.” I grab my bag and throwing it on my shoulder I stand up, ready to leave. Everyone moves with me, Andrew and Shawn jump up and Justin takes a step towards me, all three of them to stop me, but the intentions are not the same. While Shawn wants me to stay because he cares about me, Andrew is just afraid is I slip out the door he can’t control the news anymore.
Shawn grabs my wrist and gently pulls me closer to him.
“Please don’t go, let’s talk.”
“You are not leaving without a confidentiality contract, no way you are walking out just like that,” Andrew growls and it’s just making it worse.
“You’re not making me do anything. I don’t need anything from you,” I spat at him and Shawn stands between us, as if he is afraid we would start a fist fight.
“Let’s calm down and talk, okay? Please!” he pleads, but behind him Andrew doesn’t seem too committed.
“I can’t deal with him if he is treating me like a bitch,” I say in a low voice, but the room is small, so everyone can hear it. Though I don’t care.
“Andrew, would you calm down? It was all an accident, she is not trying to ruin me,” he tells his manager turning to face him, but he is still holding my wrist.
I can tell Andrew is boiling inside, holding himself back not to throw the desk at me, and we are staring at each other like two hungry lions over the last piece of meat. Poor Shawn is standing in the middle, hoping he won’t have to pull us out of a fight anytime soon.
Then he takes a deep breath and nods.
“I’m sorry, but this was… quite shocking. I wasn’t expecting this.”
“I get it, it was a shocker for everyone, but let’s just talk about it, okay?” Shawn offers and I’m too tired and emotionally drained out to start a fight, so I nod my head agreeing.
We manage to sit back to our previous places and Justin stands right behind Andrew as we try to start it over again without the accusations and drama.
“I’m sorry for reacting so harshly,” Andrew starts, obviously thinking through his choice of words. “I’m just shocked, but of course, I don’t think you are trying to use Shawn. So… Let’s figure out what to do,” he offers and we all nod agreeing. “Was abortion ever an option?”
“No,” Shawn and I answer at the same time even though we never discussed it. Despite the difficulties of the situation I wouldn’t be able to abort this baby, it’s just impossible for me and I guess Shawn thinks the same way.
“Alright, then we need a strategy,” Andrew tells a bit more like to himself than to us as he is staring down at his desk. “Um… Are you guys…”
“Are you guys together now?” Justin asks speaking up for the first time in a while.
I see Shawn turning to me from the corner of my eyes, and his gaze is burning my temple as he is staring at me.
“It’s… it’s undefined. I have to figure a lot of stuff out.” I say feeling a bit guilty under their examining looks.
“But this is all joint now. Your decisions effect our work as well, I’m sorry, but you can’t just run free. Obviously, Shawn wants to take part in the baby’s life, so we have to work together. What stuff do you need to figure out?”
I feel awkward and anxious as I realize that he is right. I have to worry about myself, the baby and also consider Shawn as a third party, because he has the right to take part in this journey. I owe him honesty.
“I-I have to think about work, I need to talk to Joshua, because as soon as it gets visible I can’t work. But then I need money, because…” I don’t finish the sentence, I’m not ready to share my giant debts with them and listen to their pity. No way.
“Naya, I can support you financially. Let me help you out!” Shawn sighs obviously being over my shit, but I’m just too stubborn.
“No. That’s your money. I have my own problems to solve,” I protest.
“But I told you, we are in this together! I won’t just watch you struggle.”
“I can’t ask you to do me such a huge favor,” I shake my head staring down at my hands. I’m ashamed to admit how much debt I have to pay for every month.
“You’re not asking, I’m offering it.”
“Shawn stop!” I snap at him as I feel myself getting emotional again. “You have no idea how deep I’m in this shit! I inherited 1.2 million dollars of debts after my mom disappeared and left my number to everyone she was owing to, so now I’m paying thousands of dollars every month, because if I don’t, I might end up dead in a dumpster!”
My outburst is followed by total silence and my eyes are tearing up pretty quick. I didn’t mean to say it out loud, I never want people to know how much I struggle because of my own mother. She was a failure, never had a decent job so he paid for her debts by asking for more money from different people. Living this lifestyle for almost ten years can send you down the spiral, and when she disappeared after I moved out from her she left 1.2 million dollars worth of debt, forcing me to start working as an escort since this was the only job that offered me enough money each month to cover everything. I’ve paid back about half of the money by now, but I’m still coughing the rest every damn month. I was once late with paying, the next day two not too friendly guys showed up at my apartment and taught me a lesson with their fists. I never want to experience that. I scared the shit out of Elisa when she saw my black-eye.
“Can we… Can we have this conversation sometime later? I’m really not feeling good,” I say after a long time. I guess I shocked everyone with my outburst, they are all speechless. Shawn is the first one to recover after the scene.
“Um, Andrew how about we all have lunch tomorrow and talk about this? I think we all need some time to adjust the situation.”
I thank God for this offer, because I’m nauseous and anxious to sit here and talk about the future that involves a baby in my belly.
“It’s a great idea. Let’s just think about everything and come prepared the next time,” Justin nods agreeing and Andrew seems to be on the same page as well.
I put on my coat and keeping my gaze down I leave the office while Shawn exchanges a few words. I stop at the hallway waiting for him, chewing on my bottom lip I’m on the verge of crying once again. A few minutes later Shawn appears and seeing my long face he wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me to his chest and this is exactly what I need right now.
“How about we get some takeaway, go to my place, eat and… just chill. Hm?” He offers mumbling into my hair, running his hands up and down my arms soothingly. I just nod my head, I’m too weak and stressed to talk and though I know I shouldn’t be getting closer to him, I just can’t resist. I need his presence, I want him to tell me it’s going to be okay, I just need somebody.
No.
I need him.
-
I AM SHOOK ARE YOU SHOOK LETS ALL BE SHOOK no im just kidding I WROTE IT hahaha okay im done here bye
taglist: @damnigotadime @jrock-1987 @dacutiehart @ricchhelle @shar-is-my-name @hollandechart
#shawn mendes#shawn#mendes#shawn mendes imagines#Shawn Mendes Imagine#shawn mendes fanfic#shawn mendes fanfiction#shawn mendes fic#shawn mendes fanfics#shawn mendes fanfictions#shawn mendes x reader#magcon#mendes army#boundaries#boundaries series
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01x12 (part 1)
Season One Episode Twelve: Faith
A/N: Alright, a quick note. my computer is effed up. The updates may start to slow down unfortunately until I can figure out how to fix this mess but they’ll still come, I promise. I love hearing from you guys, so please keep the feedback coming! Let me know of any ideas you guys have for future episodes, storylines, ect and as always, please REBLOG if you enjoyed.
Word Count: 2.7k
Summary: a hunt gone wrong, hospital beds, and another call to John.
`“What do you have those amped up to?” Sam asked as Dean rummaged through his trunk for the taser guns.
“100,000 volts,” Dean grinned, handing one to you and Sam and taking one for himself.
“Damn,” you commented, moving it around in your hands. You were careful with your
inspections and Dean filled his backpack up with any extra supplies you may need but truly, this was the one and only thing that could actually kill this thing.
“Yeah, I want this rawhead extra freakin’ crispy,” Dean mumbled and then looked at you, pointing the butt of his taser gun at you and dancing it between you and Sam. He was really only talking to you and you knew that. “Remember, you’ve only got one shot with these things, so you better make it count.”
“Yeah, I remember,” you mumbled with a little attitude laced in your voice at his reminder. You accidentally fire one of these prematurely once and you’ll never live it down. Dean closed the trunk to the Impala and you snuck your way into the old, creaky, house. It seemed to be abandoned for the most part, the floors hardly kept up with, garbage everywhere. You made your way to the basement, guns pointed and flashlights ready.
It was quiet until it wasn’t and there was a bang coming from one of the walls. All three of your flashlights instantly went to the noise and you crept closer to it. On the count of three, Dean pulled open the little door that you assumed led to a little crawlspace. You jumped when he opened it but relief flooded you when you saw it was two little kids.
One boy and one girl, shaking with their knees pulled to their chest. “Is it still here?” Sam asked, loosely looking over them for any obvious injuries. The boy nodded to his question and you gestured for them to stand up and get out of the crawlspace.
“Grab your sister’s hand. We’re gonna get you out of here,” Dean said. You put your hand on their backs, carefully walking them over to the stairs with Sam and Dean guarding your back. You and the kids made it to the landing but Sam’s groan was too loud in your ear and then there was a thud and some screaming and Sam tumbled down the stairs. “SAM!” You and Dean both called out for him. Dean shot his taser gun in the direction that he must have seen this thing but he missed.
Sam quickly got up and ran back up the stairs to you, tossing his taser gun at Dean. “Take this!” He ordered. Dean caught it easily, nodding towards you and his brother before you disappeared behind the corner and ran out of the house. Sam told you to stay put, guarding the entrance to the house while he secured the girls in the car.
You couldn’t hear much coming from the basement but you were anxiously waiting. Dean could handle himself was the mantra that you repeated over and over again while your leg shook in anticipation. “I’m gonna go back down there!” You called for Sam. He didn’t say anything, just waved a hand at you to give you the go ahead and you whipped around, running back down the stairs trying not to make too much noise but the second you saw Dean lying in the corner of the basement, unconscious, you ran.
You could feel a pulse on your fingertips but you didn’t know if it was his or just yours from your heart beating so quickly. He wouldn’t wake up, no matter how much you tried to shake him awake or slap his cheeks or begged him to. You knew you couldn’t carry him up the stairs alone and it felt like an eternity, you sitting there, checking for pulses on his neck and his wrists while crying out for Sam until he eventually showed up. He ran to your side, doing all the same steps that you just did until he grabbed him and helped you carry him to the car.
Getting the kids to safety was your first mission but it felt insignificant to you as you cradled Dean’s head in your lap in the front seat of the Impala. You tried not to cry now that you weren’t alone and you didn’t want to freak the kids out so you sniffled to yourself quietly until the kids got out of the car and then Sam and then Dean to take him into the hospital. It wasn’t until you were left alone in the car while Sam delivered him to the ER that you let yourself really, really cry. Like snot shooting out of your nose, not being able to tell the difference between snot and tears on the back of your hand, whole body shaking kind of cry. When you were done and your eyes were bloodshot and your nose was rosy, you went in to join Sam.
You and Sam were at the reception area, trying to figure out how to pay for this mess when the lady gave you a solemn look, “there doesn’t seem to be any insurance on file.” Sam mumbled a few words to himself, grabbing his wallet out of his pocket. He was just as shaken up as you, maybe even more but he was handling it much better. You hadn’t seen him cry but that didn’t mean he wasn’t and he handed the lady a credit card - stolen. “Okay, mister Berkovitz,” she said, reading the name on the card.
You looked over your shoulder at the policemen waiting, watching, staring at you. You pulled on Sam’s jacket after the lady went to run the card and made your way to the policemen. They gave you another solemn look and you were already tired of all the pity looks you were receiving from people. You wanted to be left alone. “We can, uh, finish this up later,” the policeman offered.
“No, it’s okay,” Sam told them, shoving his hands in his jacket pocket. “We were just taking a shortcut through the neighborhood and our windows were rolled down. We heard some screaming when we drove past the house, and we stopped and ran inside,” he explained the fake version of it all. The civilian version it.
“And found the kids in the basement?” The officer finished, you and Sam both nodded. “Well thank god that you did,” he said, offering you a proud smile. This was one of the more friendlier encounters with the police you’ve had in the past few years and you were disappointed that it was under such grave circumstances.
You heard a door opening from behind you and you excused yourself from the officers, Sam quickly following. The policemen yelled a thank you down the hall as you ran up to the doctor. “Is he-” You started but the doctor held out a hand, suggesting that you calm down. You took two deep breaths and then the doctor smiled.
“He’s resting,” he said.
“And?” You pushed.
“The electrocution triggered a heart attack - pretty massive, I’m afraid. His heart is damaged,” the doctor explained. You felt like your heart was damaged hearing that news. You felt Sam’s body tense up.
“How damaged?” Sam asked and you braced yourself for the worst news possible. You could see it in the doctor's eyes that that was coming. You wrapped your arm around Sam’s, leaning into him for comfort.
“We’ve done all that we can. We just need to try and keep him comfortable at this point but I’d give him a couple weeks at most, maybe a month,” he explained. You thought that you had cried all of your tears but more threatened to come. Your heart was pounding so hard in your chest you thought that you were going to vomit all of the doctor’s white coat.
“No. There’s gotta be more that you can do,” Sam protested, his face falling and there they were: the tears. “Some kind of treatment,” Sam suggested.
“We can’t work miracles. I really am sorry.” Your lips parted and you could feel the tears streaking down your face and you felt paralyzed in that hallway with that doctor but Sam pushed you off of him and pushed past the doctor and into Dean’s room where the TV was lightly humming.
When you entered the room, Dean was mumbling something about daytime TV with his raspy voice that cut deep into your skin and left you bruised. You popped up behind Sam, who sighed and let out a sharp exhale. “We talked to your doctor,” he said.
“That fabric softener teddy bear. I wanna hunt that little bitch down,” Dean said, pursing out his lips as he changed the channel of the TV.
“Dean,” you warned. He rolled his eyes, putting the remote down on his lap.
“Looks like you guys are gonna have to leave town without me,” he said bluntly.
“What are you talking about? We’re not gonna leave you here,” you said, stepping out from behind Sam’s back, getting braver and braver but it was hard to see him in this condition. It was heart wrenching.
“You better take care of that car,” he warned. “I swear I’ll haunt your ass.”
“I don’t think that’s funny,” Sam said and you agreed but you bit your lip to prevent yourself from smiling.
“Oh come on, it’s a little bit funny.” You couldn’t help but let out a little laugh and Sam smiled, looking down at his feet. The room fell silent then and Dean let out a sigh. “Look, Sammy, what can I say, man? It’s a dangerous gig and I drew the short straw. That’s it, end of story.”
“Don’t talk like that, alright? We’ve still got options,” Sam pleaded with his brother. You knew just as well as Dean that there were no options but Sam would play the devil’s advocate until Dean died. He would always beat the horse too thin. Pray for a miracle that would never come.
“What options? You got burial or cremation,” Dean deadpanned.
“Hey,” you warned, shooting him a glare. He licked his lips, raised his eyebrows at you apologetically and then sighed again.
“I know it’s not easy but I’m gonna die. And you can’t stop it,” Dean said. He was the first one to really say it out loud. In those words. Sam’s face was scrunched up and red and you saw the tears pooling in his eyelid but you knew he wouldn’t let them fall around Dean. You put your hand on his forearm briefly and then sat on the edge of Dean’s bed.
“Watch me.”
The next few days were spent searching the internet and calling everyone in John’s journals to figure out a way to fix this, but Sam wasn’t sleeping and he wasn’t crying and you felt like maybe he was holding back for you because even when you were hiding in the bathroom, waiting for him to do something while he was alone - there was nothing. You couldn’t even hear him crying in the shower.
You were perched on the edge of the bed, the laptop on your lap while Sam tried John’s phone. No answer. “Hey dad, it’s Sam. Uh… You probably won’t even get this, but, uh, it’s Dean,” he started, his voice shaking and cracking. You closed the laptop and pushed it to the side. “He’s sick and the doctors say there’s nothing they can do.” He paused, his face scrunching up in pain. “But hey,” he chuckled, “they don’t know the things we know, right? So don’t worry, cuz I’m, uh, gonna do whatever it takes to get him better.” Sam kept hitting his ankle that was crossed over his knee and playing with the frayed ends. “All right, just wanted you to know.” Sam hung up and you were angry at John for not answering and not being here and making Sam do this alone.
“Hey,” you whispered, putting your hand on his shoulder. He jumped at your touch, almost like he forgot that you were even there but he softened when he looked at your face. You gave him a weak smile. “We’ll fix this, okay?” You promised him. It wasn’t something you could promise or that you should have promised but you did it anyway to make him feel better.
He pushed off the bed and started to pace around the room, running his hands through his dirty hair. He looked like such a mess. You could almost see the anger building up inside of him on his face. The way he squeezed his eyes shut, the way his lips were tight against each other. Sam turned around and in one swift motion, he cleaned the table clean of all the magazines and take out menus that littered it.
You jumped to your feet and put your hands on his biceps, coaching him to look at you. Begging him to look you in the eyes. When he finally did, you gave him another weak smile. “Breathe, okay? Please?” You asked. Sam licked his lips and then took a deep breath, nodding at you but when he let it out, he shook his head and crashed his body into yours.
You wrapped your arms around him and he squeezed you so tight you thought your head was going to pop off but you didn’t mind because that was Sam and you were willing to hold him for as long as he needed or wanted you to but a knock at the door broke the moment.
You sat him down on the bed and got the door yourself. “Dean?” His skin was pale and he was sweating even though it was cold outside and his body was pressed against the doorframe. “What the hell are you doing here?” You scolded him for leaving but the smile on Sam’s face when he saw him, made you regret it.
“I checked myself out,” he smirked, limping into the room, holding himself up with the chair.
“Are you crazy?” Sam asked but his face was filled with relief and joy that his brother was here with him. You knew just how crazy it made him think about Dean in that hospital bed, alone, watching daytime TV that he hated.
“I wasn’t going to die in a hospital, especially where the nurses aren’t even hot,” he joked as you closed the door behind him and helped him sit down in the chair. Neither of you laughed at his joke, but Dean still thought it was funny and he chuckled.
“You know, this whole “I laugh in the face of death” thing is crap. I can see right through it,” Sam told him, trying to scold or be serious but he was still smiling a little bit.
“Yeah, whatever, dude,” Dean rolled his eyes and adjusted his jacket so that he was comfortable and you couldn’t imagine that he was but he was putting on a brave face despite the fact that he looked like he was dying. “Have you even slept? You look worse than me,” he teased.
“He hasn’t,” you answered for Dean but giving Sam a glare. You had been begging him the last few days to just get a few moments of sleep and you would do the research for him but he insisted on staying up until he found a solution for his brother. Even as you slept, you could feel his body stirring next to you.
“I’ve been scouring the internet for the last three days. Been calling every contact in dad’s journal,” Sam explained, sitting down on the bed across from his brother. You sat next to him, pulling out the laptop and opening it up. There weren’t many solutions out there, but the one that you had so far, was pulled up on the computer.
“For what?” Dean groaned, visibly uncomfortable.
“For a way to help you. One of dad’s friends, Joshua, he called me back. He told me about a guy in Nebraska, a specialist,” Sam explained. You pulled up all the reports of the guy that you could find online, up, spinning the computer to show Dean. All the articles you could find showed nothing but good things. This guy healing people from even the brink of death.
Dean scanned the screen and shook his head, “you guys aren’t gonna let me die in peace, are you?” He asked.
“We’re not gonna let you die, period. We’re going.”
tagged: @matchamendes @stuckupstucky @sillydecoy @kaelyn-lobrutto24@liztorr1212 @icanreadbookstoo @rachael-mae @jessewa26
#supernatural#supernatural rewrite#supernatural imagine#supernatural blurb#supernatural one shot#spn#spn rewrite#spn imagine#spn blurb#spn one shot#sam winchester#sam winchester x reader#sam x reader#boyfriend sam#dean winchester#dean winchester x reader#dean x reader#reader insert#season one episode twelve#01x12#faith
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Wolves,Imprints,Babies! Oh My! (3) Paul Lahote
Summary: Melissa Black grew up knowing that the Legends are true but what happens if they happen during her generation! Is she safe? What happens when she gets imprinted on by The Hothead of the Pack
Warning: Cussing. Gifs are not mine.
Tags: @supernova1737 , @anjana-fandoms28 @hey-sunshines
Chapter 1 1.2 2 2.2
It’s been two weeks and my morning sickness is finally coming to an end. I haven’t thrown up much today which I am so happy for. I walk out of the bathroom when I hear the sounds of guys laughing. Today Sam wants everyone to patrol since a Redheaded Vampire has been seen running around on our lands. Paul is very unhappy about leaving me here but Sam says that they’re scent will mask mine and Emily’s so we will be alright. I walk down the stairs to mine and Paul’s home and go straight to the kitchen.
“Hey babe! You feeling okay?” Paul asks jumping up from his chair, walking over to me.
“I’m fine babe,” I giggle. “Are you guys getting ready to leave?”
“Yeah,” He rolls his eyes, “I don’t wanna leave you and the pup, but Sam alpha ordered me to go and you know I have to listen to that.”
“I’ll be fine babe,” I say and I stand on my tip toes and press my lips to his in a passionate kiss. I feel his lips curl up into a smile and kisses back deepening the kiss by putting his right hand on my cheek.
“Alright, time to go,” Sam says standing up from my kitchen table. Paul pulls away from the kiss and turns to Sam.
“Do i really HAVE to go-“ Sam cuts off Paul’s sentence.
“Yes, Paul.” Sam says. “Mel will be fine, our scent captures hers, no one will come here. ”
“Sam, she’s 3 months pregnant, anything can happen to her! No one is here to help if she gets hurt, Emily’s been with Leah! No one’s here!” Paul snaps a bit.
“Paul, you’re going on Patrol and that’s final!” Sam snaps back.
Paul sighs and turns around capturing my lips with his once again. He rubs my small baby bump and runs out the door. I sigh and walk to the kitchen. I’m hungry for some muffins. I wonder if we have chocolate chips.
Paul’s Point of View
We’re walking through the forest to get to Jakes house since he didn’t show up at Mel’s house. Well my house. I can’t believe the year we’ve had. I imprinted on the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, got her to be my girlfriend, now we’re having a little Pup. Life couldn’t be happ-
“Paul, you okay?” Embry asks.
“Yeah, just thinking about my pup” I answer as we get close to Jakes house.
“What if it’s twins?” Jared laughs.
“Oh then I’m giving one to you,” I say to Jared and we all start laughing. We walk out of the forest and Bella Swan runs out of Jakes out and right up to Sam and pushes him. I growl. No one touches our alpha.
“Easy!” Sam orders putting a hand out to us.
“What did you do to him?” Bella yells at us.
“Do to him? What did he tell you?” I ask stepping forward to her. Sam keeps his hand in place so I don’t get any closer.
“Nothing! He won’t tell me anything because he’s afraid of you,” she snaps.
I start laughing. Jake afraid of us? Really? He’s a wolf too! Jared and Embry start laughing along with me and Sam smirks. There’s definitely no way Jake was afraid of us. Bella gets a mad look on her face and I smirk a bit. She puts her hand back and punches me in the face.
I get furious. No one dare punches me. I start to shake.
“Paul calm down!” Sam orders. “Think of Mel and your pup! Calm down!”
I stop shaking for a minute and calm down thinking of my wonderful girlfriend and child coming to earth in 6 months.
“Oh you have a slut waiting for you?!” Bella asks smirking.
I start shaking again. No one calls my imprint a slut! I shake even harder when she continues her rant.
“I bet she’s screwing someone right now” Bella says.
“Bella back up,” Sam says seeing me get ready to phase. She backs up a few feet getting scared now that I’m violent shaking. I phase, landing right in front of her. She falls back and growl a little bit to scare her.
“Bella!” We hear Jake yell.
I look up to see Jake jumping over his railing and running toward us.
“Jake run!” Bella gets up and starts running to Jake. I snort to myself. He’ll phase in a second. I was right! Jake jumps over Bella and phases making her fall to the ground again.
*What the fuck dude!?” Jake says furiously.
*Your Leech Lover punches me in the face* I growl *And called your sister a slut* I crouch down.
*I don’t give a fuck! Don’t you dare hurt her!* He snaps his jaw at me.
*Tell her not to talk bad about my Imprint!* I jump at him and tackle him to the ground.
Melissa’s Point of View
I pull out a steaming hot pan of muffins from the oven when I hear a strange truck pull into my drive way. Human howls can be heard as I lay the pan down on the kitchen table. I laugh to myself and Jared comes running inside.
“Are you guys hungry? Like I have to ask,” I laugh as Jared sits down.
“Oh and Bella, remember what you said to Paul? Mel’s the one inside,” Embry says to Bella and walks in the door. “Hey Mel.” He says kissing my cheek grabbing a muffin. Bella walks in.
“We have a guest? Who’s this?” I look at Embry then at Bella.
“Bella Swan, who else?” Jared says smirking.
“So you must be the vampire girl.” I say smirking.
“You must be the wolf girl,” she says.
“Well my boyfriend, my brother and my best friends are all one so yeah Im the wolf girl,” I smile and I look at Jared as he grabs another muffin. “Hey save some for your brothers,” I smack his hand,” Guests first, muffin?” I ask Bella.
She nods and walks over and grabs one.
“Of course Jake would find a way around the gag order,” I say walking back into the kitchen.
“He didn’t tell me anything” Bella tries to say.
“He can’t. It’s a wolf thing. Orders from the alpha get obeyed weather we want to or not,” Embry says. “Check it out! We can hear each other’s thoughts!”
“Will you shut up!? Those are trade secrets! Damn it! This chick runs with vampires!” Jared says smacking Embrys arm. I chuckle to myself.
“You can’t really run with vampires, they’re too fast” Bella says smirking.
“Yeah well, we’re faster!” Jared says leaning forward. “Freaked our yet?”
“You’re not the first monsters I’ve met,” She says.
I turn around, “Hey!” I snap with venom on my voice, “They are not monsters”
“They’re wolves! How are they not monsters!?” Bella’s asks.
I walk over to her and glares. “Says the girl that dated a Blood Thirsty Vampire! These boys protect everyone on this reservation and get no thanks for any of it. I bet if your precious Edward bites a human he’ll get praise,” I snap.
She gets a angry and shoves me, I trip on my shoe lace and fall back smacking my head against the table with such force the table toppled over.
“Mel!” Jared shouts standing up running over to me.
Embry stands up quickly and pushes Bella back, as Sam walks in.
I sit up holding my head, Jared’s kneeling down in front of me. All I see is his mouth moving. I look over at Sam and I can see him yelling at Bella but I don’t hear anything. Oh no! I’m deaf again! I was born deaf and when I was 13 I got surgery to repair my hearing. Bella must of hit something loose in my head because I can’t hear anything anymore. I get up and I walk to Sam.
-I can’t hear- I sign to him.
-What do you mean?- He signs back.
-I can’t hear!- I sign angrily.
He turns to Bella and starts yelling again.
Paul’s Point of View
I hear Sam yelling inside of the house as Jake and I walk up laughing, when my head starts hurting.
“Don’t you dare put your hands on her again Bella. She’s pregnant! You already fucked one thing up!” Sam yells.
I run inside, “What’s going on?” I walk straight to Mel and wrap my arms around her
“Remember when Mel told you she was deaf as a child?” Sam asks.
“Yeah? She had surgery to repair it,” I say confused.
“Bella pushed her and she hit her head, I think one of the tubes came undone in her head” Sam glares viciously at Bella.
“WHAT!” I yell, “Why the fuck did you push her? She’s pregnant you dumb bitch!” I start shaking.
Mel wraps her arms around me and pushes her face into my chest, calming me down. I lift my hand up and cup the back of her head running my fingers through her ponytail.
Sam looks at Mel and starts moving his fingers in a weird way, i’m guessing sign language. Mel starts moving her fingers.
“Bella called us monsters and Mel yelled at her and Bella pushed her making her hit her head,” Sam says growling. I turn to Bella and Jake.
“Get the fuck out of my house,” I snap venomously.
Jake grabs Bella’s arm and pulls her out of the house.
“Embry, go get Sue,” I say turning to Mel.
She starts tearing up, point to her ears. I nod to her meaning I understand. Embry and Jared run out the front door.
“Sam, tell her that I’m going to get her an ice pack,” I say pressing my lips to her forehead and run to the kitchen. I search the freezer, moving all the chicken and vegetables out of the way. How much food do we need!? Well we are a bunch of wolves. Ha! Found it! I grab it, slamming the fridge door I run back to Mel. I see her moving her fingers and Sam replying.
“She said she has her old hearing aids but they haven’t been used in years.” Sam says.
Sue runs in with the boys, her being a nurse she’ll know what to do. After about ten minutes, Sue turns to me.
“Paul, tomorrow if her hearing doesn’t come back take her to the hospital. Everything else is fine. The baby is fine and the heart beat sounds wonderful.She just has a bump on the head but tomorrow she’ll need to talk about if she’ll need surgery again,” Sue sighs and hugs Mel, then leaves out the door.
“Will you guys be okay?” Sam asks, “Emily needs me to do something.”
“Yeah, Ill just text her,” I say to Sam. The boys leave and I lay on the couch with Melissa on my chest. I kiss her head and sighs.
She sniffs and tries to fall asleep. I hold my phone behind her head and I look up how to do sign language. If I can’t talk to her, I’ll find the next best thing. She’s the love of my life and I will not have someone interpret my love for her except for me.
Thanks For reading! If you want to be tagged just let me know and i will tag you! if you have any concerns or questions please message me and PLEASE leave feed back! I wanna know if you like it!!
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