#im actually crying rn what the heck

[scarameownya]

FUCK I RAN OUT OF TAG PLS LET IT CONTINUE HERE

-> #THIS IS GOING TO STUCK IN MY MIND FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS OMGGGGGGGGGG

-> #ALSO ACTUALLY WAN'S DIALOGUE DURING HIS MONOLOGUE ON TRYING TO TELL HIM TO GO TO SLEEP IS ALSO SO ACCURATE IN MY MIND

-> #"That the reason you keep failing is because you've been trying too hard, you idiot."

-> #NO !?!?!?!? STOP DOING THINGS TO MY HEART ?!?!?!?! //POS POS SO SO POS

-> #COUGHCOUCGCHXVCHCCHCH fic that live rent free in my mind forever (culprit: cy)

-> #PLEASE I LOVE THIS AN INSANE AMOUNT THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG IM ACTUALLY SO HONORED WTF

-> #when you told me its 1.6k word im like "oh no"//pos

-> #IM GOING IM GOING TO SHOW THIS OFF TO EVERYONE AND QUEUED THIS AND REBLOG THIS MANY TIME UWHAUWHQWUSHQHSH

-> #🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

-> #i promise ill get my revenge one day 🤭 //pos //lh

𝕎𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕖𝕣𝕖𝕣 𝕩 𝕆ℂ!ℕ𝕚𝕜𝕠

secrets held in ivory cages

Note: First time writing wanderer, so, he might be a bit OOC. I tried looking for more lore of the two of them and tried to put together what I could with what I found. This work was inspired by them rarely ever saying each other's names.

Word Count: 1.6k | Reading Time: 10 minutes

Hours bleed from the sun until an inky blue paints the midnight sky. Specks of light scatter all over, forming a myriad of constellations. The crescent moon hangs overhead and casts her soft glow through the windows of a certain inventor's room. Fire burns low from the lamp lit on his desk— just enough to allow Niko to see the gears and metals scattered all over the wooden surface. A monocle-like device perches on the bridge of his nose in place of his usual glasses, allowing him to tinker with his latest project with more precision. His gloved fingers smudged with grease as he makes adjustments on the gears; hoping that it'll work this time.

"You'll look like a raccoon if you keep this up," A sharp voice cuts through the silence of the room. The wanderer leans against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest and a familiar frown tugging on his lips. Deep blue eyes cast their gaze over the dimly-lit desk with an unreadable expression. "You've been at it for weeks now."

All that only merits a scoff from the inventor's lips, his attention still on the project before him. A bead of sweat forms on his temple as he twists one last screw in tight before placing it down. To anyone other than Niko himself, it would have looked like scraps of metal stuck together. But to him? It was meant to be something revolutionary. He just knew it. All he had to do was figure out a few things and it'll turn into something everyone will understand as well.

With a lick of his lips, he turns it on. A rhythmic ticking comes from the item.

Click-clack. Click-clack.

It becomes steady as the seconds trickle by. There's a glimmer of light in Niko's eyes as hope blooms within his chest. It was finally working! However, his hopes wilted the second that a thin stream of smoke began to rise from the project. Sparks flew from the cogs and its parts began to move awkwardly in comparison from before. Panic surges within the young inventor.

"No, no, no—" Boom!

A loud bang erupts from the machine, he winces and raises his arms over his face to shield himself from any possible debris flying about. The light grey smoke from earlier had eventually become a dark shade as its parts lie limply on the desk. Niko clicks his tongue, a frustrated expression contorting his features as his hands furl into a fist. Emotions begin to bubble up within him, clawing at his throat as he glares at yet another failed attempt.

"Why won't it work?" He mumbles to himself, taking a breath and letting out a sigh of defeat. His shoulders are taut as hypothesis after hypothesis race through his mind as to what could have possibly gone wrong this time.

Why couldn't he make it possible? He'd always been proud of his capabilities in the creation of Meka— yet this one simply seems to elude him.

"Maybe your genius has run out." The wanderer lets his presence be known once more. The comment redirects the glare towards him. Though this time, he stands across Niko's desk with his back facing him as he leans against the edge. His fingers catch a still-rolling gear, twirling it between his fingers.

"Leave if all you came here is to be an additional headache." Niko bites back. He closes his eyes, taking off the gadget perched on his nose. It's carelessly casted beside the remnants of the machine from moments ago. Niko pinches the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb, trying to calm himself down.

A moment of silence passes them. Only the gentle sways of the wind from the open window and the whirring sounds of the unsuccessful meka remain, yet that too eventually fades in the background. For all their bickering and snarky remarks towards each other— there's a kind of solace that these rare moments offer them. The kind that both of them refuse to admit out loud all the while secretly craving for it when they least expect it.

Neither one of them had truly known how to make way with words. Most of their interactions up to now would be enough to make everyone else think they hated each other. But that wasn't the case, was it? There was respect and admiration hidden beneath the layers they put on. An acknowledgement of the other– not-so begrudgingly either. Somehow, almost telepathically, they were aware of that as well. A private thing just reserved for themselves. Let it remain unvoiced and kept close to their hearts. As if voicing out such a thing would only allow the world to know there's still something to take from them.

And they fear that this cruel world might do just that.

So, they stay silent.

It takes a few more moments for Niko to let his shoulders relax. The frustration on his face turns into a much more open and vulnerable one. A tinge of sadness is mixed in it as well. Umber eyes soft as he watches over his failed creation. For all his achievements and creations in the past, why couldn't this one work out no matter how hard he tried? It made it seem as though all else had been some stroke of dumb luck. The same question repeats in his mind like a broken record he can't put to a stop.

Why—

"Buer conducted research on the importance of sleep to a person's psychological wellness," Wanderer voices out. The sudden topic causes Niko's brows to furrow, his gaze flickering towards an all too familiar back. His lips part to say something but the other cuts him off. "Lack of sleep promotes a decrease in brain activity— in some cases possibly shrinking certain areas depending on the extent…"

He begins to explain the lengths of the consequences a person will face due to sleep deprivation. Even proceeding to the experiments that the archon herself had conducted paired with the research results presented and explanations in lengthy detail. Niko can barely butt in to ask what the point of his rambling is about. All there is on his expression now is genuine confusion. As this happens, the wanderer barely glances at the inventor.

"Where are you even going with this?" He finally manages to interject.

"That the reason you keep failing is because you've been trying too hard, you idiot." Wanderer remarks.

Confusion on Niko's face spirals into a dumbfounded one. Calling a renowned genius an idiot? At this point, he wasn't even sure whether to be upset or confused. Perhaps both! The frustration he'd felt just moments ago comes back— any semblance of peace they've had now tossed out the window.

"Wrack that brilliant brain of yours. You haven't slept in weeks. Do you honestly think you're in any state to properly create something right now? I hardly even believe you're in any state to still be awake."

Finally, midnight blues meet with umber. Their gazes locked, and the words on the tip of his tongue die out. The frustration and annoyance fades, disappearing into something else that he's unsure how to describe as. It blooms and blooms within his chest, suffocating the beating organ all the while spreading warmth around it. His lips still parted as he remained frozen in his seat, and nose slightly scrunched. All the conflict he'd felt within was visible on his face.

"What?" Is the only response he can muster.

"Go to sleep, Niko." He responds.

Niko.

Every brain cell that had been working in Niko's brain had just stopped entirely. Somehow, all of it had focused on repeating the exact same words in his mind like an echo in a vast cavern. He blinks once. Twice. Maybe even thrice— he's unsure. Of course, the wanderer takes note of this, feeling conscious of the slip he made. Quite precisely, it feels as though he can still feel the name on his lips and tongue. A feeling he can't quite get rid off (not that he wanted to). Wanderer's jaw tightens, his hands reach out for the edge of his hat, tilting it down ever so slightly. As if to cover his face from the inventor.

How strange it would be, no? Both of them acting like this in just the utterance of a name. And yet that four-letter word had felt far too intimate than they expected. Every rude and insulting nickname has left their lips that they've gotten fairly creative with it at this point. However, to call the other by their first name? It felt right and wrong all at once.

"Just…try to get some sleep. Then work on that stupid project of yours." Wanderer finally manages to break the silence that loomed over them. His face turned away, and he's already making his way towards the door.

All Niko manages to do is just…stare at his retreating figure. Words pile up on the tip of his tongue— far too fast and far too many. His voice fails him, dying before it can reach his lips. There's a need that bubbles up inside of him. For what? He is unsure.

"There's no need to rush it." Those were the wanderer's final words, pausing by the door for a moment. His hand on the frame, head turned partially to meet the pair of brown eyes still watching his retreating frame.

Niko's lips shut closed.

Somehow, it felt oddly calming. The hopeful ambiguity of his words; how his mouth purses with his own uncertainty; his cheeks with a tinge of warmth that may only be the fire's illusion; and the look in his eyes that almost feels like reassurance. An affirmation to something better remained private.

For now, at least.

He nods his head. Wanderer takes his leave.

A final whisper stumbles from Niko's lips. And perhaps, the anemo archon had let the wind carry his message to its recipient— wherein the only response would be the slight deepening of the shade in the tip of the wanderer's ears as he disappeared into the hallway.

VIP Taglist: @puppetgearing

Usually, my basis of writing fics is one singular scene that I can't get out of my head. Even if it doesn't become the highlight of the whole thing, I always still wanna write it for that scene alone. I read your post about them rarely saying each other's name out of respect. And the scene that stuck with me was late night conversations, wanderer by Niko's desk, and his name slipping out.

Ngl, I was only expecting this to be a 500-word drabble. But then, I started writing and found this drabble to be so fun. Even during busy days, I'd look forward to getting back at my place to work on this fic. Writing this was a joy I had despite the chaos the past week. And I do hope you found this even just a bit enjoyable as well!

Oh, let me know if there's something you'd like to adjust/change some minor details (e.g how wanderer and Niko are referred as or some of the dialogue)! I won't take it personally. If anything, I'd appreciate it so that you'll enjoy it even more, and I can learn more about them hehe <3

[86espresso]

there’s holy ground beneath them, and sparks fly when they kiss ✯ jh86

-> insta edit (my first one. be nice ill cry)

-> high school sweetheart!jack <3 bc yes

-> I love him bye

-> other things coming soon dw I didn’t forget 👊

-> under the cut !

liked by jackhughes, alexturcotte, and others

ynzonedout my boy<3 and also cam york’s boy apparently<33

replies . . .

jackhughes baby I can explain 😔

ynzonedout is there something you need to tell me ://

cam.york j, babe, don’t ✋

ynzonedout wtf

jackhughes I was gonna tell u eventually 😔😔😔

alexturcotte have some decorum yorkie that’s a taken man

ynzonedout tell him.

trevorzegras 💻👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

jackhughes oh! that’s

liked by ynzonedout, colecaufield, and others

jackhughes look at her go !!

replies . . .

ynzonedout oKAy but I did so good omfgfoMFG

jackhughes you did amazing bambi ☺️

ynzonedout but I didn’t fall over this time so bambi doesn’t check out ✋✋

jackhughes you fell over taking off your skates. off the ice

ynzonedout DELETE DLETEY

ynzonedout why do you hate me

jackhughes wtf I would stab trev for you

ynzonedout aw ur so <33

trevorzegras EHAT THEVFUCK

liked by spencerknight, colecaufield, and others

ynzonedout you see this when you enter a room. what would you do 🎤

replies . . .

alexturcotte run in the opposite direction FAST

liked by ynzonedout

jackhughes nightmare blunt rotation

colecaufield notice how his sense of humor skyrocketed after he started dating bambi…

ynzonedout oof

jackhughes the heck. ur right 🙄

cam.york ALL at the same TIME 😮‍💨

ynzonedout none of those words are in the bible

jackhughes skshjskwjwaj

liked by ynzonedout, trevorzegras, and others

jackhughes @/ynzonedout lookinf suuper extra fine today I need her mroe than air 😪 LOVE her so baf

replies . . .

ynzonedout jackie, baby, this is your public instagram

trevorzegras accidentally gave him too many edibles thats on me

ynzonedout ofc ur at the scene of the crime

trevorzegras ??!!??/)$ cole was involved

jackhughes bsmbi come iver imy:((((((((((

ynzonedout omw baby just two mins of homework left 🥹

quinnhughes just projectile vomited

ynzonedout lowkey ate down 🎤

colecaufield lookin goood ma’am

alexturcotte stunna

user1 proof that your fav white boy needs a baddie in his life

ynzonedout ur so adorable im jumping ily :)

liked by jackhughes, quinnhughes, and others

ynzonedout happy 18th birthday to my fav princess angel white girl jacklyn <3 despite the growing pressure on you and big things coming up, you never fail to make me feel like the only girl ever. you’re the sweetest and kindest ever, everyone deserves a you. my forever crush, i love you to death. muah 💗

replies . . .

jackhughes im drowning in my own tears.

jackhughes bambi wtf ill end it all i love you so much 🥹🥹🥹 thank you baby

alexturcotte my heart

trevorzegras ill actually cry. who knew you had a heart

ynzonedout im in ur Walls

colecaufield everyone’s crying. The streets exploded. bambi this is too much for all of us

ynzonedout THE STREETS EXPLODDE

ellenhughes aw this is adorable :)

ynzonedout thank you for your contribution to society 🧎‍♀️

liked by ynzonedout and others

jackhughes 1 week before the draft. cant wait !! ✊ replies . . .

ynzonedout im so fucking proud of you the fuck. What the fucking fuck im sobbing

jackhughes language 😔

ynzonedout no im fucking emo rn dont even

ynzonedout WAIT

ynzonedout jack oh myfuckingh god COME OVER RN my columbia letter just came in I can’t open it

jackhughes SHUT UP IM LN MY WAY IM shaking

alexturcotte columbia wth

trevorzegras ayo WHAT

colecaufield DID YOU GET IN

user3 COLUMBIA IS SO CLOSE TO NEW JERSEY AND ITS IN NEW YORK

cam.york everyone start freaking out like right now. bambi and jack will probably live toGETHWR SKSJKSJS

liked by jackhughes, quinnhughes, and others

ynzonedout happy weekend <3 a girl doesn’t deserve less

replies . . .

jackhughes proud doesn’t cut it, angel girl. you deserve all this and more 🩷

ynzonedout jackkk 🥹🥹🥹 you mean everything to me

jackhughes also we r so getting our own place and living together

ynzonedout damn fucking right we ARE

alexturcotte brb crying

trevorzegras you guys 🥹

colecaufield #bambijackforever agenda going strong . who’s dropping acid in my eyes

quinnhughes great achievement!! you’re so smart tf

liked by nicohischier, quinnhughes, and others

ynzonedout I hope you know how proud I am you were created 🩷 @/njdevils if you suck the youth out of him I’ll suck the soul out of you 🔪

replies . . .

njdevils 🫡🫡🫡

jackhughes BABE. we’ll get in trouble

jackhughes honestly couldn’t have done it all without your support. I love you :)

ynzonedout love u more forever :))

a/n: if I made mistakes no I didn’t. feedback appreciated but only the nice kind 🩷

[memberment]

HEY FRIENDS

IS ANYONE AROUND I AM SITTING IN THE HOSPITAL AND I AM SOOOOOO BORED

(wait thats eo ominous Im literally fine also no updates tonight bc obviously)

Okay it's only two in the morning I got home way earlier than expected no one's dead y'all might realistically get updates tn bc I'm overtired and extra yappy

(3:14) I am 6.9k into Revelations and am officially diving into hypothetical science (for an angel) regarding how electrons would act if they were large enough for a human to see them and I do not give a HECK if people don't like that.

I've decided that they WILL burn you. Like the kinetic energy and frictions those things would have/create would be INSANE. TELL ME I'M WRONG ABOUT THIS LIKE!!!!!

Whatever. Anyways. Stan's about to have an injury. LATER

(3:48) nvm Kenny took the hit. whoops.

(3:54) Can I just say it's fucking insane that I'm actually delving into real emotional experiences I've had in early part two with this whole arc I decided to throw Kenny into. Like, this is weirdly cathartic LMAOOOOO

(6:57) seriously who the shit let me stay up this late because I have 9k on Revelations and I am deadass abt to finish chapter two like WHAT. WHAAAAAAT. WHICH MEANS I GET TO WRITE CREEK. TRAGIC CREEK. THE SET UP TO TRAGIC CREEK. MY GOD. (I am actually going insane rn I need a proper amount of sleep fr I was supposed to go to bed after a tik tok made me ugly cry but I got distracted. (So is life.))

[slytherinshua]

HELLO!!!!

so ive been dead for a couple weeks (okay im sorry but school is kicking my ass)

BUTTTT IM BACK!!!!

And SO ARE YOU!!!

zanna pls the hao fic 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

idk whether to cry or kick my feet bc wTFFFF

how are you so g o o d (you obviously worked super hard and thats so cool of you)

ALSO

CINEMA PARADISE AND 19.99 CB!!!!!!

okay so i heard good so bad right? amazing song. 10/10 and thEn i watched the mcountdown kill the romeo performance and immediately went wHOA because why did that song hIT SO HARD LIKE?!?!??! Cinema paradise is such a ricky era (to me) bc his aura was off the roof he was so super noticable (even though he was worried bc of the hair dyeing :( he still stood out so much!) Also hao was so super good zb1 keeps getting better!!

OKAY NOW LISTEN

IM NOT THE BIGGEST ONEDOOR AROUND HERE OKAY BUT IVE LISTENED TO THEIR ENTIRE DISCOGRAPHY AND WATCHED ALL THEIR PERSONAL CONTENT AND CAN I JUST SAY DANGEROUS AND NICE GUY ARE SO GOOD LIKE BND NEVER MISSES WHAT THE HECK

Taesans line in dangerous had me actually pulling out my earphones bc wtf why was that so good i was h o o k e d the secomd that song started and then nice guy was just also really good like?!?!?!? H O W do you slay that hard like whoa

ANYWAY HI ZANNA I MISSED YOUUUUUU

im glad you're out of your mini slump!!! (i have so many ideas and i want to write but i have no t i m e!!! i dont like school 😐)

-🌱 (bc you said youd miss this <3)

im sorry i rambled on a bit but yeah !!!

HI HAFS OMG!!!! omg it has been a while but dw i understand :((( school is out to get us all istg im so tired and its only the beginning of the year... AND LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING CRAZY W THAT WRITERS BLOCK HOLY SHIT LIKE I COULD NOT FUNCTION WITHOUT MY DELUSIONS BEING MY ESCAPE 😭😭😭😭😭😭

BUT AAAA IM GLAD U LIKED IT <333333 thank you ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️ ugh i remember like before i even properly stanned zb1 i was thinking about which members would fit studio ghibli boys and let me see if i can remember all the pairings.... honestly i think these ranged from most accurate (first 4-5) to zanna is running out of ghibli boys to assign

zhang hao as seiji

i think i had taerae as tombo back then but now i feel like it fits gyuvin more :((

NOW RICKY AS HOWL CAUSE WHO ELSE WOULD HE BE

and yujin as sho!!! cause look theyre literally the same skdfjksd could 100% see yujin in an arrietty storyline to me hes just the embodiment of teen youth like coming of age stories rly fit him so well

gunwook as pazu bcuz i have to satisfy my childhood crush and my current crush (also they look the same fight me)

honestly jiwoong as jiro???

taerae as asbel now (literally i don't remember anything about asbel but they look kinda similar so we're going w it)

hanbin as ashitaka bcuz i just think theyre both hot like that 🤕🤕🤕

which leaves matthew as sosuke cause i haven't watched the boy and the heron yet so idk whether that might fit better but yeah... BUT TELL ME WHY THEY KINDA HAVE SIMILAR VIBES ANYWAY SO??

now can we also appreciate how i tried to match the pics as close as i could thank you thank you anyway enough abt zb1 and ghibli boys

YES CINEMA PARADISE WAS SO GOOD!!! good so bad literally their best title track to date AND SAME W BND. i think nice guy is their best to date and ive seen a lot of ppl who like dangerous more than nice guy which is valid i also love dangerous BUT IMO NICE GUY IS PERFECT AND BETTER THAN DANGEROUS???? 👹👹👹

ricky will always stand out no matter what !!!!! even tho his hair was plain it still drew attention to him like the contrast of black hair to his skin is crazy and he looks like a whole prince (when does he ever not) BUT OMG HAO IN THE MV WRECKED ME SOOOO HARD like i think good so bad mv is the reason why hao is #2 in zb1 ranking for me rn skdfjskdfs ALSO CAN WE TALK ABT PURPLE GUNWOOK CAUSE NO IM STILL NOT OVER PURPLE GUNWOOK even tho hes had it for a while now i still look at it and then die skdfjksdhfks

IF THERES ONE THING BONEDO WILL DO ITS RELEASE BANGERS EVERY TIME!!! i swear they always stay true to their sound and concept and i LOVE that about them. every song feels SO boynextdoor but at the same time they try different sounds and tell different stories with each song. i also just adore their storytelling in their mvs and songs its so good every time!!!! and im excited to see what they release next bcuz it seems theyre doing a youth concept now that theyre done their falling in love trilogy

awwww nooo i hope u find time soon 👹 it can be so hard to find time to write sometimes istg.... but you'll manage i believe in u !!! KSDJFKSD I DID MISS IT OMG

[cathumanthing2]

Roseblings Chatfic AU Chapter 7

magic bitches

2:45 am

actual wizard: fWhip i can hear your chanting pls stop trying to summon a demon in the house

tech wizard: oh thats not me

tech wizard: sausage and joey decided our house was a good place to summon a demon for some reason

blood sheep man: It has  the perfect amount of space! Plus the negative energy will attract the demons better!

actual wizard: …what's that supposed to mean?

blood sheep man: Oh, nothing!

plant flower faerie: Anyways has anyone heard from shrub? They usually stay up this late on weekends.

glitter starboy: nope

tech wizard: me neither 

jungle bitch: nah

scary fish lady: Nope :P 

blood sheep man: No, but I have seen a demon!

short pottery man: Nah bro

buff buff farmer: Sadly, no, I have not seen the idiot/pos gnome

Father: I cannot say I have. Why do you ask, Katherine?

pathetic fish man: I don't think they're anywhere rn, really

plant flower faerie: aww, I was gonna ask them if they wanted to go watch a movie or something tommorrow

father: Finally.

buff buff farmer: shes ready to stop being an oblivious sapphic idiot

actual wizard: Now the only ones we need to get to stop being idiots are fwhip, jimmy, and scott

blood sheep man: You forgot Pix

actual wizard: Wait why pix?

father: Sausage. If you tell her, I am going to commit several acts against the law. 

plant flower faerie: What the heck are you guys talking about??

buff buff farmer: we spoke too soon

plant farmer faerie: Still tho where's shrub

fungi fungus gnome: Yall talking about me?

plant flower faerie: Oh, shrub! Wanna go tomorrow to see a movie or something?

fungi fungus gnome: oh ofc!

father: I would rejoice but you guys are still being idiotic

plant flower faerie: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN-

jungle bitch: unrelated but scott i accidentally summoned your hot sibling

glitter starboy: Joey i will fucking murder you if you kiss them

jungle bitch: too late

jungle bitch: hi this is xornoth i can confirm joey is a good kisser

glitter starboy: im going to cry

father: Everyone please go to sleep now I'm getting a headache from your guy's sleep deprivation.

Scott & Sausage

3:34 am

Sausage: scott

Scott: Hmm?

Sausage: I wanted to tell you something

Scott: what

Sausage: nevermind actually

braincell + idiot

3:45 am

idiot: Pearl i ALMOSt did it

braincell: Did what

idiot: Told scott

braincell: Woohoo!!

braincell: One step closer

braincell: But why do you keep going to me for advice im literally aroace im not gonna be able to give you anything good

idiot: exactly

idiot: I need an outside perspective, plus ur my bestie and your good at knowing what to do

braincell: ok soos now pls let me sleep

idiot: Ok I'm gonna keep summoning demons :D 

braincell: Have fun don't get hurt

magic bitches

3:58 am

father: Go to sleep or I'm going to hunt you down and murder your entire family.

tech wizard: GEEZ PIX WHAT THE FUCK

actual wizard: I dont think he's joking too-

father: Especially you Gem. Your exhaustion and burnout is easily smellable from a mile away.

actual wizard: The heck is that supposed to mean?

father: You know what I mean. Stop being an idiot and sleep.

father: That goes for the readers as well. Sleep. I can sense your sleep deprivation.

tech wizard: hold up wait who gave you the ability to break the 4th wall??

father: The author. Who also needs to sleep. I am fighting the urge to scream in their ears as we speak.

blood sheep man: Ok first what

blood sheep man: second I'm sleeping now

actual wizard: I am confused and am now going to sleep in the hopes my mind will be able to figure it out in the morning

father: Good. Now everyone else, sleep or suffer the consequences.

[hyunverse]

ur reblog on my seungmin fic. UR REBLOG ON MY SEUNGMIN FIC IM SO ????? tears prickling in my eyes rn feeling very Felix sobbing over calculus except i’m sobbing over u and ur words !!!! i’m so appreciative THANK U FOR TAKING THE TIME TO SAY THOSE WORDS WHAT THE HECK. i’m actually gonna pass out i dont even know what to say except i’m giggling n kicking my feet in the air and crying all at the same time becos of u esp COMING FROM YOU

sue!! gosh you deserve every ounce of praise you get from that fic because it’s truly beautiful, i love it ☹️ i now hold every scene dearly to my heart, so endearing and <333 sorry i can’t stfu abt it 😭 thank YOU for writing something so precious. pls dont pass out and cry HELPPP. anyway im telling u i loved reading it sm i dragged irl bff into reading it 💀

[anonymoosen]

OKAY FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE HECK, SECOND OF ALL, WHATTTDYSUFJISICJSJCKSJDJSJD IM ACTUALLY GONNA SQUEAL AND SCREAM AND CRY AND EXPLODE FROM THIS MASTERPIECE BONNIE YOUVE DONE IT AGAIN AND IM GONNA HAVE THE REACTIONS NOW BECAUSE OF HOW GOOD THIS IS LIKE HECK IM ALREADY RAMBLING ON ABOUT IT WITHOUT EVEN GETTING TO THE REACTIONS PARTTT

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW CUTE THESE DORKS ARE LIKE HELLO LIKE THE WAY ZIM JUST PATS DIBS HEAD LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AND DIB LOOKS SO ANNOYED AND DONE WITH HIM LIKE TJIS IS RLLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE TROPES AND THEYRE JUST— RAAAAAHHXHSJDJSKDKDKD

ZIM IS SO RELATABLE IN THIS PANEL LIKE LOOK AT THIS POSE— ITS LITERALLY ME WAKING UP IM THE MORNING IFKDDK I LOVE LOVE LOVEEEE THE WAY U DRAW THE POSES AS ALWAYS AND THIS PANEL LOOKS SO FUNNY AND MEMEABLE I LOVE THIS

SMOL BABIESSSS THEYRE SO SMOL AND CUTE AND ADORABLE I ALSO LOVE UR CHIBI VERSIONS OF THEM SO MUCH AND ONCE AGAIN I RLLY LOVE DIB BEING SO DONE WITH HIM HAHAHHAJDJSDKSKKDD

THIS. THISSSSS THISSSS MCFRIGGIN PANEL OVER HERE IS ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS LIKE LOOK AT HIS PRECIOUS EYES WIDENING IN LOVE AT THE MENTION OF DIBS CLOTHES LIKE HES FALLEN SO MUCH FOR DIB THERES NO WAY HE CAN EVEN DENY IT TO HIMSELF ANYMORE

HELPPPPPP THIS IS SO FUNNY AND ADORABLE AT THE SAME TIME ITS TRULY PEAK FASHION SENSE HE HAS THERE HAHAH AND ALSO THE MEMBRANE SIBLINGS JUST BONDING OVER MAKING FUN OF ZIM IS SO CUTE TOOOO

MY HEART JUST EXPLODED FROM THE CUTENESS IN THESE TWO PANELS LIKE HELLO KFKSKDKDKF DIB HELPING ZIM WITH HIS SHOELACES IS SO FRIGGIN PRECIOUS AND ZIM STILL SOMEHOW DENYING HIS FEELINGS IS JUST SO FUNNY TOO GJDKFKDKF EVEN THO HIS LOOK OF LOVE IS CLEARLY STATED ON HIS BLUSHY FACE

NO WORDS NEEDED.

JUST SOME APPRECIATION FOR ZIM BEING A LITTLE GREMLIN LIKE HE ALWAYS IS

Zim isn’t here, he’s in hoodie town… :((

BONNIE.

BONNIEEEEEEE NOOOOOO IM GONNA CRY RN LIKE THE ENDING IS SO BITTERSWEET RIGHT AFTER THOSE ADORABLE WHOLESOME AND GOOFY MOMENTS LIKE DANG THE WAY U FORMATTED IT TO BE SAD IN THE END AFTER THE CUTENESS IS SO FRIGGIN SMART??? LIKE THIS MAKES THE IMPACT OF THE ENDING MUCH MORE POWERFUL AND IT MAKES ME MISS THIS COMIC ALREADY

ONCE AGAIN, HAPPY BDAY AND I WISH U ALL THE BEST WITH UR FUTURE PROJECTS AND WHAT LIFE WOULD BRING YOU IN GENERALLLL

PART 28 pages 123 - 129

THE END!

<-Previous pages

☆First pages☆

COMIC SERIES

Ko-Fi ❤️

AHHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSS!!! FINALLY GOT THERE!

Gosh, so many things have happened since I started working on this comic. It feels so strange for me to actually get to the end, but also so nice. 💜 I need to take a break from bigger projects, but someday I might return to it. Thank you all for your patience, and for supporting me! It kept me motivated all the way through. And thanks to my friends who helped me with grammar and ideas! Thank you so much for being there with me! >w< 💜💜💜

[cheese-water]

hii I made the post about the pole you made :D honestly I make a lot of random posts like that at 3am and your literally like one of the only people to actually respond to them and I am just so happy like crying rn- So yeah more rambling:

I feel like the dehumanization of cc can also be applied to ep 1 in a sense? Because kinda think about Charlie? What was he known for in genloss? Not really about Charlie the streamer, but his character. Also sneeg, he made friends with a skeleton and humanizes it. Does any viewer’s questions it? Nope, just another form of comedy. Irl that is really concerning if you were to do that. Yknow known more for their characters instead of being amazing storytellers, actors, writers, etc.

Also on the topic of the meanings the community adopted, I just realized how many secret meanings could have just buried 6ft under? In the genloss talking about stream if Ranboo didnt point out the meaning of the mask(if he takes it off the show ends) like would anyone question it if they didn’t point it out? I sure as heck didn’t to me it was just a cool way to show mind control and hide their face.

 I kinda feel like the audience in general has a lot more meaning because like the whole thing is being controlled by showfall media/ being controlled by social media. We are kinda assumed the main intended meaning is dehumanization of cc and I kinda think like what else? Because you know how the internet can be what if there is a theory that did make sense but just got to much hate to reach the surface? Genloss is created by Ranboo and the producers etc but also the audience and how they adopt the cc/characters to their liking.

TIMELOOPS WOOOO. I might be having a stroke but so many spoilers at the start of the cabin, Ranboo complaining his head hurt, him laying down in the same position as he died, etc. tbh this could just be funny foreshadowing, but you never rlly know

Okay I just saw this post and like I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS I JUST 

In ep 3 when we picked the red combination code in the computer, but Ranboo didn’t put in the one we picked because they thought we were wanting to kill him. At the very end we did kill him they died thinking we wanted to kill him for entertainment, but we killed him because we wanted to save him. kinda hit or miss, but relates to chat. Chat says stupid shit because it’s funny yknow. Idk how much Ranboo streams you watch, but like in killer frequency chat keeps telling them that they missed something when they didn’t, chat tells them they picked the wrong option when it was right. It’s kind of weird because it’s to a point when chat suggests something you don’t know if they’re trying to mess with Ranboo or actually trying to help. It creates this  relationship of slightly broken trust where Ranboo doesn’t know if chat is playing with them or actually trying to help.

on my last theory I made last time because I don’t like how I worded it:

How if the internet doesn’t like your interests and personality you are forced to changed to actually be successful. Kinda how at the end of ep 2 they are literal cartoon characters. When you try to seek help and turn back to yourself it always ends the same: death of your channel and content.

( I would like to talk about capitalism allegories, but I am just so uneducated in that field that I might as well just say bananas are purple)

Also I got a lot of info about generation loss I got  from this really cool and underrated video “The Dehumanization of Content Creators | Generation Loss” by Lex Cat also I would watch the jack manifold reaction but I just can’t justify the time it would take

-☁︎🪷

P.S- heads up at some point im doing specific analysis for each individual cc/character yes I now come to ramble here permanently deal with it<3

I am honored <3

And yeah ep 1 definitely has some cc dehumanizing in there looking back on it, just much more subtler than eps 2 and 3 obvs. With Sneeg especially. Right as he’s introduced, we learn that Sneeg tried to complete Slime’s trials, failed, and was stuck in a cage, while not being particularly angry about it. Like it’s understandable that he’s trapped, that it was his fault and he gets that ig? And then for the rest of the series, he acts a Ranboo’s funny sidekick, doing everything he can to get Ranboo, not himself, to the end. The only time Sneeg’s character shows any agency for himself is ep 2 when he’s wearing the hat and, after reassuring Ranboo that he’ll come back for him, tries to escape the mall. But he gets caught, brainwashed, and returns back to his cynical yet helpful self again. So within the context of the audience perception of ccs, Sneeg’s character only serving as a benefit to Ranboo and without him (locked up in a cage) Sneeg is nothing, makes it all so… icky.

I think that’s why I don’t enjoy the dehumanizing cc theory all that much. It never fails to make me viscerally uncomfortable whenever I think about it for too long. Which like, wow genloss doesn’t have a happy ending and is supposed to make you uncomfortable? no shit sherlock. Yeah yeah I know but that interpretation is just too real for me. With the no choice or timeloop theories, we are able to absolve ourselves from blame since this is what Showfall wanted to happen. Still not reassuring but I’m used to not having control over what happens, be it social, politically, economically, etc. But through viewing the characters as their cc counterparts, their pain becomes so personal, that we have no one to blame but ourselves for the suffering they endure. And while I know I personally wasn’t at fault for this, (I was a lurker on twitch twitter and tumblr at Ranboo’s “peak,” I couldn’t share my opinion even if I wanted to) I still feel a sense of responsibility knowing that I can’t do anything about it now. I can’t stop random people for harassing Niki, but I’m still shameful that it happened in the first place. It’s like secondhand embarrassment cranked up to 1000%.

I want to watch Lex’s video essay so badly but I have to wait until I’m in a right enough headspace because I know it will leave me feeling desolate after. I haven’t seen the killer frequency steam yet but I believe you 100% that that’s how chat behaved. I know this because I was there for the late night mining streams, having to sit through chat screaming DIAMONDS at Ranboo just for shits and giggles. Like no wonder he doesn’t trust chat. Which for me makes it all worse since it’s seemingly shows that his audience has learned nothing. If they view Generation Loss as Ranboo’s cry for help, pleading with his audience to see him as a human being and not just a commodity, then why are choosing to treat him exactly the same as before? Maybe that’s why voting to kill Ranboo was so easy for me. I never viewed myself as their judge and jury, just his executioner simply following orders. Maybe I was wrong…

…Anyways, tangent aside, I also tend to take into consideration the gen 1 teasers into my theories. Like the browser game and the video experiment thing, which all had predetermined endings and no references to content creation, further my interpretation. Plus, I just enjoy finding little things and making meaning out of them, my most popular example being Austin being dubbed “The Gay” by Showfall when during emotional scenes, Austin played the role as “the straight man” in improv. Like during the carousel voting, we were able to vote for more than two people and I took that not as a technical bug but as foreshadowing that who we choose didn’t really matter to Showfall, which was “confirmed” when they all ended up dead. And how we were able to vote multiple times during the final choice, making me think we had no real choice to begin with. The latter two were being able to experience live, I don’t blame others for not catching them.

Btw for Jack Manifolds interpretation about genloss, this post encapsulates it very nicely. It also happens to be the fourth option on my poll ;)

[melchron]

Ok ok ok ok so I'm late to the whole robert situation I just went through and read everything that's been happening the past few days

I was laughing so hard at how petty and embarrassing he was being. Like this is fr so funny for a grown man to be acting this way he literally needs to shut up

But then I got to the BATB thing he described with Black Belle. In case any of you forgot, I am black. What he just described is literally so scary and disturbing I feel like I'm actually about to cry

What is actually wrong with him

I hope he never rejoins starkid and I feel so bad that Nick and Jon have to live with him while he's saying all of this stuff

[karinasbaby]

finally got the chance to lose my sanity over the best fucking birthday gift EVER. AND HOLY FUCK

this one had such an intense kick to it oh my GOOODDJELSHS im literally LAUGHING while writing this i can’t believe what i just read what the HELL wlehaldjjhdf hana you will pay for your crimes 🫵 this was once again ATTEMPTED MURDERRRR u really gave me in love and soft and munch hee all on my birthday 😨😨😨 i’m about to throw up istg my mind is SPINNING no words can describe how badly i want to scream rn.

first of all

!?!?!^>[+{]^+{]>]*!=\$\•!{]+! BUT U DID THIS FOR WHATTTTRT😭😭😭 “he loved it when you ruined him, turning him into someone that only you got to see” my legs hurt from me kicking them in the air for so fucking long i actually can’t do this bcs wdym what do you mean WHAT DO YOU MEANNNN WHY IS HE SO CUTE AND SWEET AND SO LOVABLE PLS HEESEUNG LET ME WRAP U UP IN A BLANKET AND KEEP U IN MY POCKET :((( and the obsession with the adam’s apple is so real because i WILL kiss it. non stop. for the rest of my life. for sure. mhm.

u see now personally me? i died lol 🤣🙏🏼 idk about u but i audibly gasped and had to take a break because i would have fallen out of bed for the 9th time tonight and i really wasn’t looking forward to that 🙏🏼 because what. a small cupcake with a candle on it the moment it’s 12 like r u kidding :( r u joking this is so cute and so sweet i have tears in my eyes what the heck heeseung actually being obsessed with birthdays (unlike someone yes im throwing shade and priority jay) (im playing pls don’t jump me) is so cute and just so him :( im gonna cry myself to sleep today 💯

now what if i cry lmfao. no what if i suddenly disappear then what. why would u dO THIS TO MEEEEEEEE 💔💔💔💔💔😭💔😭💔😭💔😭😭💔💔💔💔😭😭😭💔😭😭😭😭💔😭💔😭😭😭💔 i’m actually going through it & tearing up again like soft in love hee who loves to praise you like i can’t cut the fucking cameras i CANT i don’t have the ability to handle this ☹️💔☹️💔💔

u making shirtless hee wear a chain… you’re out for blood atp. like u really are 😕‼️ AND PLEASE WDYM HE LAUGHED INTO THE KISS DONT DO THIS TO ME I WILL ACTUALLY MELT AND EXPLODE soft in love hee you’re genuinely gonna kill me like wdym :( hes so the type to interlock ur hands together and kiss u then laugh or smile continuously into the kiss and i can’t do this there are tears in my eyes hana what have you done 💔💔💔💔💔💔

the constant usage of pretty like what did i ever do to you. aren’t u tired of making me blush and giggle all the damn TIME ☹️⁉️ enough is enough pls have some mercy show some mercy towards my heart 💔

this. this right here… haha. “we’ll still eat, baby. this is just for me.”

you’re evil. villainous. straight up wicked. out for BLOOD ‼️ out for MURDER ‼️‼️ TO END AND CHANGE LIVES ‼️ ALTERING THEM PERMANENTLYYYYYY 🗣️🗣️🗣️🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊

after this it was just whiplash after whiplash bro like big dawg u have expectations that are too high of me if u really thought i was gonna be able to make it through this without losing my fucking shit entirely 🤣🙏🏼 because like ….?? “he would collapse if he didn’t prolong your climax” ????!!!!?$>[${%]+{>¥|!@£2@:WHAT THE HELLLL [DISTANT CAR CRASH] [SCREAMS] [GUNSHOT] i can’t TAKE IT ANYMOREEEE

i’m just a girl why would u put me through this :(

and then the last part being (cuz i can’t put anymore photos bcs of bitchass tumblr)

“you kissed him before smiling, so glad you were born because you got to have him. “thank you.”

heeseung smiled softly before pressing a soft kiss to your lips. “happy birthday, baby.”

yeah that one was it for me ngl 🙏🏼 that was like the final blow. the knock out punch

anyways so i’ll quickly write this while sobbing but thank u so much to my dearest & sweetest hana for doing this on my birthday (just wait for march bro u think i’m gonna let u live peacefully???) like i genuinely can’t believe u came through with soft hee no i’m not crying stfu anyways i love u sosososomuch thank u for writing this masterpiece and for being my friend i can’t wait to annoy the living shit out of you when you’re back mamas 😁🙏🏼 pls study well & good luck on all of ur exams !!

✧ happy birthday, pretty

pairing: soft!heeseung x reader

summary: it’s your birthday, and while you don’t really care, your boyfriend cares a lot

warnings: kissing, no p in v, oral (fem receiving), hee is shirtless & soft, mentions of sex, oral happening in the kitchen (unhygienic), hee is a munch obvi, mdni

a/n: am i obsessed with birthdays? maybe. anyways, this is for @karinasbaby because it’s her bday! everyone say happy birthday

the bright rays of sunshine shine through the dark curtains, illuminating the quiet bedroom, casting a warm blanket over two sleeping bodies. one sunray shines directly on heeseung’s face and his eyes flutter open, nose scrunched in disdain. he squeezes his eyes shut before he pulls your sleeping body closer, burying his face in your neck. 

heeseung smiles against your neck, content filling his chest. his nose brushes against the nape of your neck as he inhales, loving the way your body slightly smelled of his. trying his best not to wake you, he reaches backwards and grabs his phone. he glances at the time and his eyes widen. it was 10:49 am, which meant he had woken up eleven minutes before his alarm. 

this never happened. he had never woken up before his alarm, but his eyes drift to your sleeping figure and they soften. for you, he would do anything. even wake up at an ungodly hour. 

he presses a soft kiss to your shoulder and slowly pulls his arm out from under you. he freezes when you shift and stares at you with wide eyes as exhaustion pulls you back under. he gently unwraps his arm around you and shuffles his legs out from between yours. it takes him almost ten minutes to untwine his body from yours, and it’s done with increased difficulty. 

he doesn’t want to leave the warm bed or your warm body, but he has plans that he must execute. today was an important day for you, so, it was important to him.

he bites his bottom lip as he pushes himself on the bed, wincing when the bed creeks beneath him. slowly, he turns his head back to you, making sure your eyes remain closed and your breathing remains even. 

standing, he grabs his shirt from the floor and grins as he recalls the way you had thrown it, eager to get your hands on him. he places the shirt on his side of the bed, making it easier for you to grab and wear when you wake up. shirtless, he tiptoes to the bathroom and almost laughs at his reflection. his hair is upright and messy, his entire neck is littered with your small bites, and his lips are still swollen. 

he simply stares at himself with a stupid grin on his face because he loved it when you ruined him, turning him into someone that only you got to see, got to touch. he touches his adam’s apple and winces, remembering how you had spent quite a bit of time last night just kissing it.

he shakes his head and grabs his toothbrush, careful to only open the tap a bit. he looks back at your sleeping body with a smile on his face, knowing you probably looked the same. he did, after all, ravish you last night. 

as soon as the clock had struck 12:00 am, he pulled out a cupcake and candle and made you blow it out, a longstanding tradition in your relationship. one that he implemented, since between the both of you, he was a lot more into birthdays. 

you smiled at him and closed your eyes, wishing for nothing but a good year and his happiness. he fed you the cupcake and licked the icing off the corner of your lips. wanting to return the favour, you licked the icing off his jaw. as the cupcake was used and abused, clothes came flying off and heeseung’s first present to you kept you up all night. 

he washes his face and tiptoes out of the room and down the hall, towards the kitchen. he had gone out the day before to grab everything he needed for breakfast, hiding it all from you in the back of the fridge. he stretches and grabs two pans, turning on the stove. 

as quietly as he can, he cracks the eggs and cuts the fruit. he opens a window so the smell doesn’t wake you. he’s bubbling with excitement, giddy because he had planned everything for today weeks before and he was finally getting to check off everything in his list. 

with a soft, permanent smile on his lips, he puts his airpods in as he continues cooking your breakfast. the soft music drowns all sounds and he gets lost in the domesticity of it all. 

as the sun shines brighter in the blue sky, the beams of light become too much for you and you squeeze your eyes shut, groaning as you slowly regain consciousness. immediately, your hand reaches for heeseung and you frown when all you feel is the cold mattress. you open one eye and stare at the empty space, scrunching your nose in tiredness. 

groggily, you sit up and blink around the room. the curtains did little to stop the sun, both of you having forgotten to shut the blinds. you stretch your neck, yawning as the smell of pancakes wafted through the air. goosebumps erupt on your skin and you look down, only now realizing that you’re still naked. you hastily grab heeseung’s shirt and pull it on, pushing yourself out of bed. 

you waddle to the bathroom, eyes still sleepy. you look up at your reflection and almost laugh at how insane you look. your hair's a mess and there are love bites all over your skin; your neck, your collarbone, and your thighs. amazed, you trace the marks with gentle fingers. your tired frown turns into a wide smile at the sight, in awe of heeseung’s dedication. 

you wash your face and brush your teeth, a soft smile on your lips. you could hear heeseung in the kitchen and although you told him not to do anything, you knew your words fell on deaf ears. ever since you had started dating, heeseung made it his mission to make every birthday the best one. 

at first, you used to chastise him, but then you learned that it was simply who he was. this was his love language; to celebrate the day you were born, to make sure that it was perfect and filled with happiness. he loved you so much and he wanted to celebrate today; glad that you had been born because he couldn’t imagine his life with you.

so, you let him be. you indulged him in all his plans, learning to love and appreciate the day as much as he did. if he loved today, you certainly could. 

in just his shirt, you stepped out of your shared bedroom and walked to the kitchen, careful to keep light feet. your smile widened at the sight of heeseung’s bare back as he stood at the stove, quietly humming. he slightly swayed his hips to the music, lost in his own world. 

you leaned against the kitchen entrance, arms crossed as you stared at him, biting your bottom lip in amusement. you loved him like this; free, comfortable, and himself. you eyed everything on the counter and shook your head, knowing he would be so glad to check everything off his little list with a gel pen you had gotten him. 

heeseung stared at the pancake in front of him, counting the seconds until he could flip it. he was so preoccupied that he hadn’t noticed you, not until you wrapped your arms loosely around his waist and pressed your face against his back.

surprised, heeseung lost count before he grinned, turning his head. “good morning, pretty. happy birthday.” 

you smiled against his back, looking up at him with wide eyes. “thank you, hee.” 

heeseung plucked the airpods out of his ears and set them on the counter before he flipped the pancake, pleased with himself as it was perfectly golden. “how’d you sleep? you’re not too sore are you?” his doe eyes couldn’t hide the teasing in his tone. 

you smirked before gently biting his back, grinning at his feigned wince. “i slept like a baby thanks to you. and, for your information, everything hurts.” 

heeseung lowered the flame before he turned around, wrapping his arms around your waist as you looked up at him, his chain tickling your nose. he looked down at you with wide, bright eyes. he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead and you smiled. 

“that’s too bad, pretty. i’m not even close to being done with you yet.” he brushed his nose against yous and you closed your eyes, his words igniting a fire that had been briefly put out last night. 

your body didn’t really hurt, but heeseung didn’t have to know that. it wouldn’t make a difference, not really. he’d still go down on you regardless. 

instead of edging him on, you raised an eyebrow. “your pancake is burning.”

immediately, his facade dropped and he turned around, mumbling incoherent curses as he lifted the pancake and put it on top of the ever growing stack. you eyed the pancakes and almost burst out laughing.

each one was a lopsided heart. 

enamoured, you stepped back and pushed yourself up on the opposite counter, content with just watching him cook. you crossed your ankles and tilted your head, focused on his broad back and thin waist. his arms were hard at work, whisking and pouring and you eyed the veins that always made an appearance in the morning. 

after pouring the next two pancakes, heeseung turned around and froze at your stare; so bright and filled with love. he smiled softly and stepped towards you, smile widening when you spread your legs apart, letting him slot himself right in between them. 

you rested your hands on his waist and his warm hands rested on your exposed thighs. he looked down at you with a soft smile, his eyes shining with fondness. his thumbs rubbed circles on your inner thighs and you tried to ignore it. 

“you look so beautiful, baby. i’m the luckiest man alive.” his words were soft, and yet so loud in your mind. you felt your neck warm and you looked away, focusing on the jug of juice on the counter behind him. 

he cupped your jaw and turned your head, a familiar glint in his eyes. you weren’t sure if it was the stove or the sun shining through the window, but your entire body felt warm. his hands on you and his intense gaze was making your mind hazy. 

he smiled at you and you felt your heart squeeze in your chest. you loved his smile. the way it stretched his cheeks and made his eyes smaller, his perfect teeth on display as his cheeks filled out. 

unable to help yourself, you hooked your finger in his chain and pulled his face closer to yours, pressing your lips against his. he laughed into the kiss and his other hand traveled up your thigh until it squeezed your waist, pulling you closer to him.

he deepened the kiss and you opened your mouth slightly, allowing his hot tongue to explore your mouth. the intensity of his body pressed against yours made you run your fingers up his back until they tangled in his soft hair, eliciting a soft moan from him. 

he pulled away and rested his forehead against yours, the bridge of your noses grazing each other as you both tried to catch your breath. he tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear and kissed your cheek. 

before you could capture his lips again, heeseung squeezed your hip and stepped back, smirking at the frown on your lips as he turned back to the stove, flipping the pancakes. he kept his back to you and your stare burned into his exposed back.

you closed your legs and squeezed your thighs together as you watched him move around the kitchen, fascinated by the way he danced around the kitchen. it warmed your heart, knowing he did this for you; only for you. you eyed the faint scratch marks on his back and memories of last night came rushing forward.

although heeseung was primarily focused on cooking, making sure your breakfast was perfect, he kept his heightened attention on you, paying attention to the way you squeezed your thighs together and how your eyes never strayed from his back. 

“so,” he began, as he fried different kinds of meat. “after breakfast, i was thinking that maybe we could go to that museum you really wanted to visit.”

you watched as his back muscles flexed, mesmerized with the way he did everything so effortlessly. you nodded before realizing he couldn’t see you. “sure, i’d really like that.” 

he turned his head and grinned widely at you and you rolled your eyes, a lovesick smile on your lips. you didn’t know why he bothered acting so nonchalant every time. you knew he had already booked the tickets and booked a reservation at your favourite restaurant. he never left anything up to chance, making sure everything was always planned close to the T. 

gosh, you really loved him.

“hee,” you said, a little embarrassed. “c’mere for a second.” you stopped swinging your legs and sat up straighter when he placed the final piece of meat on the pan. he turned and stepped in between your legs, his hands on your waist. 

you rested your hands on his chest and he shuddered at the coldness of them before stepping closer, his pelvis pressing against your hips. your eyes fluttered at his closeness, the warmth of his body reeling you in. 

“i just wanted to say thank you.” his eyes softened and his smile turned bashful. “you always do so much for me and you have no idea how thankful i am.”

heeseung kissed your forehead. “it’s just breakfast, baby. the day is still young.” he pressed another kiss to your nose. “you never have to thank me. you know i’d do anything for you.” 

you rested your hand right on top of his beating heart and smiled softly when it began to beat a bit faster. even after all these years, he still got a bit nervous around you. it wasn’t his fault, really. you were just too beautiful. he couldn’t handle it sometimes. 

“still.” you leaned forward and kissed his chest, right between two hickeys you had given him last night. at the feeling of your plush lips against his skin, heeseung’s breath hitched. “you do so much for me.”

bewitched by your scent and smile, heeseung’s eyes burned brightly as he looked down at you, a warmth spreading through his body. his hands rubbed the exposed skin of your thighs, the sight of you in just his shirt had his mind racing. 

“you wanna thank me, pretty?” 

you tried not to grin at his words; at the familiar tone and the way his words came out quieter, a bit huskier than normal. he cupped your jaw and tilted your face upwards, a mischievous glint in his eyes as his gaze fixed on your lips. 

you hummed softly, nodding your head. there was something so seductive about him, the way his smile made you soft and yet his eyes, gosh, his eyes. big and wide and dark, burning with a heat that mirrored the flame of the stove. 

your breathing becomes heavier as he tips his head down, his lips hovering yours. you close your eyes, needing his lips on yours. he, however, pulls back and turns around. you open your mouth in objection but heeseung simply turns off the stove before he grabs your face, slamming his lips on yours. 

you laugh in delight as he presses himself closer to you, one of his hands on your thigh as the other rests gently on your throat, keeping you from squirming. your hands were in his hair, pulling and scratching. 

the sounds of your lips against each other echoed in the kitchen as heeseung groaned into the kiss, enraptured by your taste. his hand slipped under your–his–shirt and he began to press his thumb into the skin of your stomach and hips.  

you pull away and heeseung rests his forehead against yours, both of your chests heaving. you lean forward and press a swift kiss to his swollen lips, licking his bottom lick sensually. heeseung’s eyes widen, mesmerized by you. he captures your lips again, heart beating rapidly as his arms circle your waist and pull you flush against him.

“you drive me crazy,” he whispers against your lips. “everything about you.” 

you kiss him back messily, hands traveling up his neck. “think about how i feel.” you press a kiss to his adam’s apple. “you’re too good for me.”

your words settle in heeseung’s mind and his first instinct is to pull away, to look you in the eyes and tell you how horribly wrong you are. he’s not too good for you; you, you’re too good for him. you’re too good for anyone, but he’s selfish and tries his best. 

instead, his hands wander and he grins when you whimper, his thumbs brushing against your pinched nipples. he watches as your eyes shut and you lean forward in pleasure as he rubs and pinches them. he presses an open mouth kiss to both nipples on top of your shirt, pleased by the bright look in your eyes. 

his lips travel down until he reaches your nude thighs. he falls to his knees and your legs tremble at the sight before you. you bite the inside of your cheek as heeseung looks up at you, lust and adoration swirling in his eyes. 

he taps your knee. “spread your legs for me, pretty. you said you wanted to thank me.” 

instantly, your legs spread apart and heeseung shuffled closer. “but, hee, what about the food?” you ask weakly, wanting nothing more than his tongue in you.   

heeseung smirks at the sight of your soaked pussy, knowing you had been dripping onto the counter with no remorse.  “we’ll still eat, baby. this is just for me.”

he hooks his arms under your thighs and easily lifts your thighs above the counter, moving you off it and closer to his face. your arms immediately rest behind you, holding the rest of your body weight. 

heeseung moves his face closer to your bare cunt, the heat from his breath making your body tingle. you watch him with wide eyes as he stares, before blowing warm air on it. 

you squirm in his hold and his hands tighten around you. “such a pretty pussy, baby.” he praises, completely infatuated. he loved you, but he also really loved your pussy. he loved how pretty it was and how it tasted and he loved how well it took him. “my girl is the prettiest girl in the world.” 

“hee,” you whisper, needing him. 

he understands, and because it’s your birthday, he simply brushes his nose against your slick folds before licking a harsh stripe of your core. your back arched and you let out a quiet moan as he wasted no time. 

he pressed his face closer to your cunt as his tongue licked and sucked, lapping up all your juices. the sounds of slurping and his lips smacking around your clit made your legs shake as his nose pressed so deliciously against you.

you whimpered when he tilted his head even further, pushing his tongue deep within you. you felt the tip of it curl upwards and you almost screamed, tears gathering in your eyes. “yes, yes,” you chanted, “faster, fuck.” 

at the sight of your pleasure, heeseung hums and the sound makes your insides vibrate. you begin moving your hips feverishly against his face, grinding down on him. he groans as you rub your slick all over his face, his chin dripping with drool and arousal.

your sweet scent and taste overwhelms his mind and he begins to lose his mind as his lips latch onto your clit, face pressed right against your dripping cunt as his tongue slides in and out of you. 

“fuck, hee,” you mumble, eyes barely open as you watch him suck you dry. “i’m close–” your legs were pulsing erratically and your walls clenched around his tongue as your release edged closer. 

“cum, pretty,” he edged. “want the birthday girl’s cum all over my face.” 

his words broke you and you moaned as your vision blurred, your orgasm washing over you like cold water. throwing your head back, heeseung continued to push his tongue into your gushing pussy, his lips coaxing all your juices down his throat. he licked and sucked even when you mumbled something incoherent about it being too much.

he wanted it all; every last drop you had to offer. you tasted too good, looked too pretty and he would collapse if he didn’t prolong your climax. his tongue continued to lap up everything that dripped out of you as you breathed harshly, chest heaving up and down as your legs shook.

once he had sucked your dry, cleaning you up like the good boyfriend he was, he pressed a soft kiss to your clit before peppering your inner thighs with kisses. you watched him with half lidded eyes as your body twitched with sensitivity. 

“did so well for me, pretty.” he whispered against your skin. he looked up at you and your pussy clenched around nothing at the sight of him; his eyes wide and hair wild as your cum and slick coated his face, his sun-kissed skin glowing with sweat as he smiled with swollen lips. 

he looked so pleased, so giddy. so completely, irrevocably in love with you. 

he kissed up your thighs before he gently placed your shaking hips back on the counter. he kept his hands on your thighs as he stood, smiling down at you. “you’re my favourite meal.” 

he grinned at the fucked out look on your face. when you managed a soft smile, he gently held your jaw as he placed a tender kiss on your lips. he rested his forehead against yours as you wrapped your arms around his stomach, holding him close as your heart calmed down. 

he rubbed soothing circles on your back as you hugged, his cheek resting on your head. this was everything to him; the quiet moments you both shared in the privacy of your home. this was how he wanted to spend your birthday; alone and calm, with spurts of arousal and activity.

he reached over and grabbed a freshly cleaned hand towel before wetting it under the sink. “you okay, baby? do you want a glass of water?” he cleaned you up, wiping your legs clean carefully. 

you shook your head and looked up at him. “some food would be nice.” he rolled his eyes at you before kissing your forehead. he stepped away from you and turned on the stove, finishing frying the meat he had abandoned. 

he sang quietly as he kept throwing you flirtatious looks, grinning when you flipped him off. once the meat was cooked. he placed everything on the table, including the vase of flowers he had hidden. 

you smiled softly at him when he lifted you off the counter and brought you to the table, setting you down on your seat. before he could step away, you grabbed his sweatpants and pulled him back to you. 

with soft eyes, he bent down. “what is it, pretty?”

you kissed him before smiling, so glad you were born because you got to have him. “thank you.”

heeseung smiled softly before pressing a soft kiss to your lips. “happy birthday, baby.” 

[maraczeks]

p+r s5 thread pt 4

[ittybxttykxttytxtty]

my cat just died...so if my comment is lacking its usual humor or its too angsty, i apologize in advance

“I came here to talk,” he replied, an edge to his tone. “Because you certainly weren’t answering your phone. I’ve been trying to call you for weeks.”

On a scale of 1 to matthew how disconnected are you from reality? 🤔 because damn, matt.

Good, you hoped the bite in your words hurt. He deserved it after how he’d hurt you.

OHHHHH ITS STARTING, LADIES AND GENTS. IT'S FUCKING STARTING

“I wasn’t the one who ended things,” he replied, his voice rough and low. “ You did that. I came here to apologize for how I’d treated you that night and for all those times I’d broken promises to you. That’s why I’m here.”

THE WAY HE SAID IT. LIKE SHE SHOULD BE FUCKING THANKFUL THAT HE GAVE HER HIS TIME OF DAY. SIR. SIR. WTF.

“You abandoned me–abandoned us . That is on you.”

"Why did you never say anything?" he asked softly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

....nothingness... there's literally nothing going on inside that head of his. falling and slamming down garbage bins really did a number to his brain huh.

Matt visibly shrunk back, wincing at your words. His gloved hands nervously fidgeted with the mask he held between them both as you saw his throat bob with a hard swallow.

as much as i dont like him rn...ngl

"You can't fix this, Matt," you told him, waving a hand between the pair of you. "You walked out on me–on us. You'd been breaking promise after promise to me for weeks. I don't trust you anymore, don't you get that?"

shit, this hurts oh no oh fuck fuck FUCK 🫠 i was prepared for this i swear! but jfc this hurts 🫠

"Of course you can trust me. I love you. I'd never hurt you. Either of you."

ngl, first time i read this sentence my head just started shaking no instinctively

"I don't trust that you'll be there for me when I need you. I don't trust that anything else could ever mean more to you than this city, Matt. We would only ever come second, and that's not enough."

"That's not true," he said softly, the words breaking. "That could never be true."

THEN 👏🏼 WHY 👏🏼 DOES 👏🏼 IT 👏🏼 FEEL 👏🏼 LIKE👏🏼 IT 👏🏼 IS?!?!?!

As angry as you'd been at him and as much as you'd wanted to hurt him for weeks now, actually seeing him so emotionally distraught didn't make you feel any better.

it hurts but he needs a slap from reality....from foggy...from karen....from the reader, heck, even from lil baby devil 😭

His face tightened further, a choked sob falling out of him.

as he should 😤 please let him redeem himself greatly him crying makes me feel ill

"No, don't say that. You won't do this alone. I want to be here for you. I want to be a part of this. To do this together ."

then you know what to do, bub 🥺

“I can’t depend on you. And if I can’t depend on you–if I can’t trust that you’ll be there when we need you–then I don’t want that. Because you’ll only cause more pain.”

the ball's in your court now, matt. do the right thing, im begging you 😭😩

There was no pleasure to be gained in watching how broken he looked right now, bent in half on his knees before you with tears streaming down his face, but you knew this was what you needed to do.

this is true...i thought i was gonna power through this and still be mad at him but now im just sad...sad and mad...smad

"Sweetheart, don’t,” he choked out. “Please.”

too emotional for memes, ill be putting lyrics that i thought of when i read it here instead

And maybe we got lost in translation

Maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up

"Don’t say that,” he begged. “Please don’t say that. I’ll fix this! I promise I’ll fix it!”

I should've watched those eyes

Instead of run in place

I should've called you out

I should've said your name

I should've turned around

I should've looked again

"Please leave, Matt,” you whispered.

I'm not your problem anymore

So who am I offending now?

You were my crown

Now I'm in exile, seein' you out

You were pregnant. That’s what you’d been wanting to tell him that night. And like the fucking piece of shit he was–self-sabotaging as Foggy always told him–he’d yelled at you. Pushed you away. Abandoned you. And all you’d wanted was him. For him to be there for you.

ahhh and here we are,my good lads....he finally understands. FINALLY, YOU FREAKING SAD DEFLATED SOUFFLÉ 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

Because you were right. His actions hadn’t shown that you were his priority.

Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong

I am right, I swear I'm right

Swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed

But I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now

The things you swore you saw yourself

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG LOGIC HAS ENTERED THE BUILDING....BUT THE QUESTIONS IS....WILL IT STAY??

He could hear the Devil’s voice telling him that he did this to himself.

uhm rude. first of all, i have a name. its not the Devil wtf matthew

So that’s what he would do. He’d find a way to fix things. To prove how wrong you were about him not wanting to be a father and about him not loving you more than Hell’s Kitchen. To find a way to get you to trust him again, feel capable of depending on him.

affsgshwwgaga I CANNOT WAIT. BLESSED BE THE GODS OF LOGIC AND FOGGY NELSON. 😩😩😩😩

You and that baby were his.

prove yourself first, red.

After thots:

- im surprised matt only pissed me off half of the chapter. thats a new record

- im glad she didnt beat around the bush and just straight out told him that her trust needs to be earned back, both for her and the babyyy 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

- matt's road to redemption is gonna be nasty and messy, i just know it

all in all, thank god i slept first before reading this. this chapter hurt but it hurt so gooood. cannot wait for the next one ✨ writing this chapter is some queen behavior shit 😌👑

Seeking Forgiveness [Part Five]

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader Word Count: 3.7k

[Full summary and installment list for this series can be found here.]

Warnings/tags: 18+ contains angst, emotional hurt, delayed comfort, pregnant Reader

a/n: The part you've probably all been waiting for is finally here and I'm dying to see reactions to this one! Also, I have no idea why tags aren't working for a couple of you, I tried a few times to get them to work but I blame tumblr, I'm sorry! As always, Feedback is always appreciated!

Lying in bed with your sheets pulled up to your chin, it felt like the entire room around you was spinning. Even with your eyes clamped tightly shut, you could feel that uncomfortable churning in your stomach, that dizzying sensation making it feel like your bed was rocking back and forth on the ocean. You’d been lying there for at least a half an hour now, practically begging the higher powers above to give you just one night where you could fall straight to sleep without feeling like you were going to be sick.

Your morning sickness had only gotten worse now that you were entering the ninth week. And you absolutely hated the deceiving term of 'morning sickness' considering the fact that you’d thrown up a handful of times over the past few days now, and most of those times were not in the morning. It affected you on and off throughout the day, and almost always hitting you as you were relaxing and trying to fall asleep.

That telltale feeling quickly began to creep back up on you, your saliva pooling in your mouth. You winced, groaning and burying your face into your pillow as you swallowed, hoping to stop what was about to come. But the saliva only pooled more along your tongue as you felt your stomach give an uncomfortable lurch. The contents within it abruptly surged their way upwards with barely any warning.

Kicking your sheets off of yourself, you tossed your legs over the side of your bed. You threw a hand over your mouth as you hurried out of the bedroom, racing across the hall to your bathroom. You’d barely managed to flip the light on before dropping down to your knees in front of your toilet. Lifting the seat up and lowering your face above the bowl, you began to violently empty your stomach. 

By the time you’d finished retching, you pathetically slumped on the floor before the toilet, running a hand across your sweat-dampened forehead. Groaning miserably, your eyes closed as you cringed at the disgusting taste in your mouth. Though thankfully the longer you sat on the cool tile of your bathroom floor, the more your nausea and dizziness began to subside. 

“This is such bullshit,” you moaned to yourself. “Why does every part of this have to be so awful?”

It was a few minutes that you sat hunched on the floor in front of the toilet before you finally felt like you weren’t going to be sick again. Gradually you pushed yourself up from the bathroom floor, making your way over to your sink. Picking up your toothbrush from its holder, you got it wet and covered it in toothpaste before you began to vigorously brush the disgusting taste from your mouth. At least now that you’d gotten sick and gotten that out of your system, you could hopefully get comfortable in bed and fall asleep this time. That’s how things had gone the last few nights at least; the nausea seemed to disappear once you finally got sick.

Finished brushing your teeth, you rinsed off your toothbrush and put it away. After, you turned off the faucet and dried your face and hands on the nearby towel. Exhausted, you stepped out of the bathroom, flipping off the light as you went, but you’d barely reached your bedroom before you froze at the sound of your name being spoken through the silence of your apartment.

Fear shot through you immediately, the hair bristling on the back of your neck as you spun on your heel. A soft, surprised gasp slipped out of your lips when you spotted Daredevil standing just at the edge of your hallway, the faint light trickling past the curtain-covered windows in your living room casting dark shadows across his masked face.

You stood there in shock for a moment, trying to comprehend the fact that Matt was even here in your apartment. He’d called you again just earlier today, but you’d once again refused to answer your phone for him. And now here he was, just letting himself into your apartment like he always used to do. As if he was still welcome here. The thought of that had your anger soon reigniting within you, your hands curling into fists at your sides. You saw the way Matt stiffened in response, clearly picking up on the sudden shift in your mood.

“So you think you can just break into my apartment now, do you?” you hissed. “After everything?”

“I came here to talk,” he replied, an edge to his tone. “Because you certainly weren’t answering your phone. I’ve been trying to call you for weeks.”

A bitter laugh fell out of you, your arms coming to cross over your chest in agitation. You ignored the way your breasts ached at the gesture, too angry to care about that.

“Maybe I didn’t want to talk to you after the way you ended things,” you shot back. “Maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering your calls, Matthew .”

The corner of his lip curled back at your words and the way you’d shot his full name out at him, as if it had physically hurt him as he winced in pain. Good, you hoped the bite in your words hurt. He deserved it after how he’d hurt you.

He opened his mouth to respond, but you saw him close it again almost immediately. His head canted to the side, the gesture which you knew meant he’d picked up on something with his senses. A different kind of fear rippled through you next, wondering just what he’d noticed.

“Are you sick?” he asked, his tone softening.

You scoffed at the question, shaking your head. So he’d noticed you’d been throwing up. You hoped the smell of your sick lingering in the air would send him away. This wasn’t a conversation you wanted to have right now; all you wanted to do was go to sleep. You were exhausted from your work week on top of everything else, you didn’t need a vigilante ex-boyfriend breaking and entering on a Thursday night just to fight with you.

“No, I’m not sick,” you snapped. “Not that you’d care anyway.”

“Of course I’d care,” he immediately disagreed.

“Sure as shit didn’t care when you ended things,” you spat back. “Couldn’t care enough to give me a single evening of your time. So don't tell me you suddenly care now, Matthew .”

Matt’s body went rigid, something dark crossing his masked features. A bit of the Devil was peeking through right now, you could see that. Because you’d touched a nerve of some sort.

“I wasn’t the one who ended things,” he replied, his voice rough and low. “ You did that. I came here to apologize for how I’d treated you that night and for all those times I’d broken promises to you. That’s why I’m here.”

Your brows shot up onto your forehead in shock, your mouth falling open. He thought you had ended things? With everything he’d been doing, all the promises he’d broken and the way he’d slammed that door on his way out that night–he had the audacity to claim you broke up with him ? Your fury only coiled tighter as you glared back at Matt, shoulders squaring as you held your ground, desperate to unleash the pain you’d been holding back for weeks.

“ I didn’t end the relationship, Matt,” you retorted, tears brimming in your eyes. “That was entirely on you when you chose to walk out that goddamn door and put Hell’s Kitchen over me. Like you did night after fucking night. For weeks . Because that’s all you fucking care about, isn’t it? This goddamn city. When it comes right down to it, you’d choose this city over me. That’s what you proved to me, Matthew."

Inhaling a sharp breath as you saw his lips thin out along his face at your accusation, you realized you couldn’t stop the words that were about to come flying out of you. Because for weeks now you'd wanted to hurl them at him like knives, hoping they’d hit their mark and wound him.

“You did this, Matthew,” you growled, pointing a firm, accusatory finger at his chest as that rage and pain finally loosed itself on your tongue. “You abandoned me–abandoned us . That is on you.”

“I didn’t abandon–” he began, stopping almost instantly.

His head yet again canted to the side and you swore you could almost hear his thoughts suddenly racing. 

“What?” he asked sharply. “ Us ?”

There was a pause that followed his question, Matt’s entire body frozen on the spot–until his head abruptly shifted. You watched as his head tilted a few different times in confusion, his lips twisting beneath the hard line of his mask. And then the red lenses of his mask finally found their focus–fixed on your abdomen. His mouth fell open in shock as he stood there speechless, the tension quickly leaving his body as if he'd lost all of his fight in that instant.

"You're–you're pregnant?" he breathed out.

"Yes, I am," you answered.

As he continued to openly gawk, your arms lowered, wrapping protectively over your stomach. Matt took a cautious, hesitant step towards you, his gloved hand reaching out. Though he promptly stopped himself in his tracks, his hand frozen and left hovering between the pair of you.

"Why did you never say anything?" he asked softly. "Why didn't you tell me?"

A humorless bark of laughter flew out of you at that. What a ridiculous question to ask. As if you hadn't made an attempt to tell him.

"I tried to tell you," you said bitterly. "That night I practically begged you to stay with me, Matt. The night you walked out that door and chose Hell’s Kitchen instead. After that, I hadn't been able to bring myself to talk to you. Couldn’t look at you and tell you."

His hand that had been hovering in the space between you both continued its way up, pulling the mask from his head and revealing his stunned expression and mussed hair. There wasn't an ounce of anger anywhere on his features in the dark, his sightless eyes still fixed on your abdomen. Most likely tuned into the small, fast heartbeat there. 

"I–I didn't know," he choked out, shaking his head. "I am… so sorry, sweetheart."

"Don't," you warned him, eyes narrowing. "Don't call me that, Matt. I'm not your sweetheart ," you bit out. "I'm not any of that to you anymore."

Matt visibly shrunk back, wincing at your words. His gloved hands nervously fidgeted with the mask he held between them both as you saw his throat bob with a hard swallow. 

"I'm sorry," he breathed out, his face contorting with emotion. "I'm so sorry. I was–was such an asshole. You didn't deserve that. Any of it."

"No, I didn't," you agreed. "You turned into a different person, Matt. One I didn't recognize. But maybe that’s who you really are."

"I thought you were trying to give me an ultimatum," he confessed, his voice tight with emotion. "That night. That's what I thought. That you were going to tell me I had to pick you or Daredevil and I–I was hurt and angry. Because I thought you knew I couldn't give that part of myself up completely. I thought you’d accepted that side of me."

"I would never have done that," you told him. "You certainly need to learn how to compromise and how to figure out what is truly a priority, Matt, but I would never have forced you to choose one or the other. Because I loved you for all of you. I'd always told you that."

"I know, you're right," he said, nodding quickly as he took another step closer. "I never meant to hurt you, I swear. I fucked up, I know I did. And I'm sorry. So incredibly sorry. You deserve better and I want to make it up to you. To fix things."

You shook your head, taking a step back from Matt. His face fell instantly at the physical distance, his eyes pinching tight.

"You can't fix this, Matt," you told him, waving a hand between the pair of you. "You walked out on me–on us. You'd been breaking promise after promise to me for weeks. I don't trust you anymore, don't you get that?"

"What do you mean?" he whispered, his face twisting in pained confusion. "Of course you can trust me. I love you. I'd never hurt you. Either of you."

You grimaced at the way he said he loved you, your heart constricting in your chest. What you wouldn't give for the situation to be different, to be able to have those words not feel like shards of glass tearing you open as they came out of his mouth.

"I don't trust that you'll do what you say," you countered. "I don't trust that you'll be there for me when I need you. I don't trust that anything else could ever mean more to you than this city, Matt. We would only ever come second, and that's not enough."

In the dim light coming from your living room windows behind Matt, you could see the glisten of tears in his eyes. His face further scrunched up as he tried to fight back his tears, roughly shaking his head at you. 

"That's not true," he said softly, the words breaking. "That could never be true." 

He sniffled loudly, the sound shattering your heart even further. As angry as you'd been at him and as much as you'd wanted to hurt him for weeks now, actually seeing him so emotionally distraught didn't make you feel any better. If anything you just felt worse about this entire disappointing situation. His actions had only left you both broken and lonely.

"I'd never pick anything before you or my own child," he assured you. " Never ."

A few tears slipped down your cheeks, the warmth of them a noticeable contrast to the cool air of your apartment. Your arms hugged your abdomen tighter as your lips trembled.

"I don't believe you, Matt," you whispered. 

His face tightened further, a choked sob falling out of him. You grimaced at the sight, your own tears starting to fall faster. It felt like your heart was breaking all over again right now having this conversation. Having to tell him the things you knew you needed to. 

"I would never keep you from your child, Matt," you began slowly, trying to keep your voice steady, "but I'll be the one raising this baby. Alone."

"No," he disagreed quickly, shaking his head at you. "No, don't say that. You won't do this alone. I want to be here for you. I want to be a part of this. To do this together ."

Jaw tightening, your fingers gripped the fabric of your shirt like a lifeline. You wanted that, you really did, but not after what he’d put you through for the past few weeks. You couldn’t handle navigating pregnancy and raising a young child with a father who was unreliable, always in and out of the picture at their own leisure. That would only make things worse, and it would only hurt you and eventually this child more.

“We can’t, Matt,” you said, forcing the words out. “I can’t depend on you. And if I can’t depend on you–if I can’t trust that you’ll be there when we need you–then I don’t want that. Because you’ll only cause more pain.” 

You bit your lip, struggling to get the words out as you watched Matt crumple to his knees before you. He was openly weeping now, each strangled sob only causing your heart to ache further. There was no pleasure to be gained in watching how broken he looked right now, bent in half on his knees before you with tears streaming down his face, but you knew this was what you needed to do.

“If the responsibilities of a committed relationship were already too much for you,” you continued, voice cracking on a few words, “then I don’t think you’re ready to be a father, Matt. Not like that. Not now, at least.”

“Sweetheart, don’t,” he choked out. “Please.”

Eyes snapping shut at his plea, you couldn’t look at him as you forced yourself to finish what you knew you had to tell him. It was for the best in the end. 

“I’m nine weeks along,” you told him, eyes still clamped shut. “So there’s–there’s not really anything for you to be a part of at the moment, Matt.” Swallowing hard, you tried to ignore the way it felt like someone was squeezing your heart. “I don’t need your help with anything. And maybe–maybe farther along we can set something up for you to occasionally hear the baby or feel their movements, but until they’re born…there’s not really anything more for you here right now.”

“Don’t say that,” he begged. “Please don’t say that. I’ll fix this! I promise I’ll fix it!”

You swiftly turned around, burying your face in your hands. Telling Matt all of this pained you far more than you imagined it would. It didn’t help that there was a small part of you that felt like you might’ve been making a mistake. That somewhere in the back of your mind there was a small voice wanting you to turn back around and give him another chance. To let him try to prove himself. To see if he could fix things.

But you ignored that voice, shoving it far away. He’d walked out on you. What you were doing now was not the same.

“Please leave, Matt,” you whispered. 

You didn’t wait for a response before you stepped into your bedroom, closing the door behind you and hurrying over to your bed. Climbing into it, you threw the blankets over yourself, burying your face in the pillow and trying to muffle the sound of your crying. In the hallway you heard Matt slowly rise to his feet, his sobs still audible to you in the bedroom. But he didn’t follow after you. Instead, you heard him make his way out to your living room, sliding a window open as he stepped out onto your fire escape. Then you heard the soft thump of your window closing after him.

That’s when you let yourself openly weep, crying into your pillow until you eventually cried yourself to sleep.

Furious at himself, Matt slammed the door to his roof access behind himself with a sharp bang that echoed loudly throughout his apartment. Tearing his helmet from off of his head, he stormed over to the stairs before he stomped his way down them, his boots landing with a heavy thud along each step. At the bottom, overcome with sheer rage, he threw his helmet forcefully from his hands with a roar. He heard the way it flew across the room and skidded along the floor before slamming loudly into the radiator. 

Matt began to tear his gloves from his hands after, his chest heaving with fury and shame and despair. He threw each glove roughly onto the floor next beside his boots, pissed at himself. Pissed at Daredevil. Pissed at everything.

You were pregnant. That’s what you’d been wanting to tell him that night. And like the fucking piece of shit he was–self-sabotaging as Foggy always told him–he’d yelled at you. Pushed you away. Abandoned you. And all you’d wanted was him. For him to be there for you.

And he hadn’t even given you something so goddamn simple as that.

“Fuck!” he cursed loudly.

In his agitation, he began to pace the length of his apartment like a feral cat. His hands were in his hair, roughly tugging at the strands as more tears slipped down his cheeks. He had fucked things up far more than he’d realized. But knowing that you were carrying his child? How was he supposed to let that go?

He loved you. Truthfully he loved you more than the city he swore to protect, even if he’d been an absolute asshole when it came to showing that to you lately. Because you were right. His actions hadn’t shown that you were his priority. 

With an enraged growl Matt’s hands darted out, grabbing onto his kitchen table and violently flipping it over. Everything on it clattered noisily to the floor, but he couldn’t have cared less. He was fuming and too far gone in his thoughts. He could feel the Devil’s wrath inside of himself, begging him to be released. He could hear the Devil’s voice telling him that he did this to himself. That he got what he deserved. That he’d never be good enough for you or anyone. That he’d be a terrible father.

Gritting his teeth roughly together, his breathing came in sharp and hard. His hands landed on his hips as his eyes clamped shut, the muscles jumping in his cheeks as he tried to quiet that voice in his head.

Because no. That was wrong. 

Exhaling a rough breath, he tried to regain his composure. You deserved better, that was true. He hadn’t been treating you the way he should’ve been before things had ended. That was on him. But you and his unborn child deserved better. And he was going to give you both that.

So that’s what he would do. He’d find a way to fix things. To prove how wrong you were about him not wanting to be a father and about him not loving you more than Hell’s Kitchen. To find a way to get you to trust him again, feel capable of depending on him. And while he knew he couldn’t give up the Devil, he knew he could learn to compromise. To truly be there for you. And he’d do whatever it took for however long it took for you to trust him again. Because you and that baby were his family. 

You and that baby were his.

Tag List: @mattmurdocksstarlight @just-going-through-the-motions @paracosmic-murdock @yeonalie @auroraslibrary @1988-fiend @will-delete-this-later-probably @two-unbeatable-beaters @danzer8705 @ragamuffin285 @callmebrooklynbabes @spookyboogyuniverse @peachy-aisha @stevenknightmarc @nerdytreeflower @fucktthisworld @remuslupinwifee @kmc1989 @thychuvaluswife @mywellspringoflife @thornbushrose @yarrystyleeza @shiorimakibawrites @marvelcinematiquniverse @vallovesthedilfs @scoliobean @this--is--music @mattmurdocks6thscaleapartment @ashlynhasmanyhyperfixations @swissy23 @lilthbunny @that-girl-named-alex @warsaur @lareinaisabelle @pazii

[saintobio]

Up til the recent chapter 14, I’ve come to the conclusion Sera will never win; regardless whether she “has” Gojo or not. Like with how many people now knowing what she’s really like and as if people won’t talk about her behind her back and then her reputation will be even more slandered than ever.

That moment when she tired to introduce herself to mama Gojo, like even if she was able to say “yeah I’m your sons ex gf/mistress 🤪” everyone and mama Gojo gonna be mad and confused as heck 🤭😑 and imagine her trying to justify to Mama Gojo about her being a mistress; to a woman who’s been cheated on too 🧍🏻‍♀️

As if anyone would wanna sympathize with that vindictive, leech of a human. Cry me a river miss thang 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anonymous said

HI HI omg i’ll take this chance to thank you for giving us an amazing chapters for sn 🤍 your choice of words is SO SO GOOD idk but im actually learning new words from this series lmao, i am having fun reading it hehe.

ig that’s it ??? i just really want to admire your work and u as an author!! i just finished reading chapter 14, it was totally good! can’t wait for the next chapter, but i hope you’ll have a great time during your break! we’ll patiently wait for you. take care ofyourself! 🤍

@0003joker said

I was soooooo happy about the ending of chapter.14 but then I realized that Y/N’s heart condition and the pregnancy ain’t gonna be a good match at the end, or am I wrong, I can’t help but be worried 😥…anyways I hope you’re doing well Saint, take care and keep up the good work, your doing great!👍

Anonymous said

so worried for her yn and her health :'( she's honestly a trooper for having braved all this while being in the early stages of her pregnancy. peep how "motherly" she was when she was taking care of gojou 😭 she would be the best mom. i hope her angina attack was just that, and isn't a sign of her conditiong turning unstable.

(kinda scared for how sera will react if news comes out about the pregnancy?)

i'm also quite worried for gojo? i know he wants to do whatever it takes to make it up to yn, but i fear that the news of her condition and pregnancy on top of nana's death (+ the pregnancy scare w sera, trauma of abuse resurfacing, potential divorce) is going to take a toll on him. and knowing gojo, he probably won't rest until he knows he's made things right. it's in his nature. i'm scared for his wellbeing right now

as it stands right now, they both need to take a step back from this relationship before they start anew and give each other a second shot at love. they both just aren't in the healthiest position rn

Anonymous said

the amount of yn x gojo fluff we got this chapter was so amazing omg. it gave me butterflies. the way they were actually acting like a true married couple for the first time since their marriage was so heartwarming for me.

despite all this fluff i couldnt help but start crying when gojo asked,“would it make you happy if i let you go?”

i know how desperate he was to keep yn in the last chapter and this was a moment that really showed his development as a person overall. hes been selfish since the beginning and even in the last chapter when he was begging yn to not leave him.

gojo asking that question is the first time (as i recall), that hes being selfless.. and its for the sake of yn’s happiness.

Anonymous said

can we just take a moment to praise the zenin family in this chapter? toji for his damage control? mai for not tolerating sera's unwelcome presence? naoya (hopefully) bringing sera down a peg once his intentions come out?

if gojo and yn were never in the picture (let's pretend they had healthier lives and relationships), would sera and toji ever had worked? or would sera always turn into this green eyed monster?

additionally, since the sn!verse features two of the big jujutsu clans as these business hotshots, is it safe to assume that the kamo clan also has that presence in this story? or did yn's family serve as a replacement for them?

(also gen scares me in a i-want-her-to-walk-all-over-me typa way)

Anonymous said

seeing gojo's instinctice reaction to sera clenching her fists has my heart hurting for him. he had to endure this so many times with his own father, and now with sera's he's just submitted himself to be at the receiving end of such mistreatment. i hate to think that gojo just lets this happens because he thinks he deserve it.

also, sera needs to realize that gojo isn't dumb. no matter how much she tries to muddy y/n in her own eyes, gojo will always know her better. she can't seriously think that gojo, the same gojo who was repulsed at the possibility of her carrying his child, would take her back?

especially after these recent events, i think he's beginning to have clarity over what he wants out of life, and what he wants is either something sera can't provide him or isn't going to be very sustainable with her if they continued.

sera can't do the bare minimum expected of a partner and regard the validities of his trauma. no one's asking you to be his therapist? yn has already filled that spot lol, just comfort him when he needs it most. does she think she can be the better choice for him when she can't even do that? when she's already showing red flags of abusive behavior towards someone who is especially sensitive to it? even yn at her worst point during her relationship with gojo could do no harm, and she was enduring so much that it caused her health complications. she placed her boundaries, but not once did she act outta pocket when it came to gojo.

it's true when gojo thought how only yn, his wife, was capable of enduring everything for the both of them. sera just isn't capable of that. she might think she's this selfless enigma, but she's quite the opposite. her projections are so obvious, it's almost laughable how pathetic she is.

it's going to be so satisfying when she comes out of denial has that realization. and as much as i hate sera, she needs to set some healthier standards for herself. being together with gojo would just be settling for less.

it terrifies me how sera could just as easily end down the same path as eula if given the chance.

Anonymous said

SAINTTTTT YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!! you always manage to have me screaming, crying, or clapping whenever you update. this is so well written and all of your updates never fail to have me pondering for days. U truly are a gift💘

A few thoughts:

-Dis bitch Sera can really get in the gloves w me. she’s so stupid and selfish. like why would you think a memorial service for your ex’s grandma is the best time to win him back😐. ik you’re dumb but….. actually nvm this is to be expected from you.

- And our sweet baby Y/N is pregnant!!!!! This def threw me for a loop but I’m so excited to see how this plays out.

-I also feel so bad for Yuuta. He’s gonna suffer from this for a really long time and I hope he gets the courage to tell someone so he can start getting help

- And Yessssss The Entrance of our fav Bad Bitch Gen😛. the way she has the Mc’s back always has me doing a little happy dance

I also have a few questions:

When did Y/N conceive? bc I can’t remember how long it was before Bora Bora.

Will Sera be present in part 2 of SN?

Thank you for feeding us so well Saint! and plz get as much rest as you need on your break. Take longer if you need to bc we’ll all still be here when you get back.❤️

Anonymous said

YN PREGGO AHHHHHH

my eyes were already wide when i began reading the conversation between the doc and gojo… but when i got to that last line i literally went 😀

poor gojo.. he’s already been beating himself up for how he’s been treating yn, he’s still mourning over nana’s death, and now THIS. imagining what must’ve been going through his mind at the end of the chapter is literally breaking my heart. he’s gonna start thinking about yn’s condition and reflect it back onto all of the things he’s done to her and how it’s affected her more than he thought it did /:

imagine how he felt hearing that yn is carrying his child.. something that’s all he’s ever wanted. but with this situation i can’t imagine how he’s feeling and how hard it is for him to try and wrap his head around this. i’m also definitely scared for yn’s reaction to hearing that she’s pregnant. pushing back the divorce to help gojo mourn- and now this. she’s definitely gonna have a hard time processing all of this.

idk how the next chapters will go or how the story will end but ☹️ i’m scared and excited at the same time! also very intrigued with what you’ll do with the sequel. thank you again for the chapter saint 💗 normally i don’t send asks or talk in the server- but this chapter had me !!!!! i just had to say something JEKCKDKD

please be sure to rest up and take care of yourself saint! <3

@peter-pan-princess said

I know I sent this in a message already but you deserve praise x100000000. You are SUCH a good writer. I never knew someone could make me feel physical heartbreak by just reading. I've never had a story impact me like that and I'm so so so so so impressed by you. I literally binge read up until ch 13 and it took like 10-11 HOURS i was hooked completely hooked i genuinely love your writing style and appreciate you so much for putting it out there like this for free because goodness you are so talented. You've gained a new fan so hope you don't get sick of me 👉😎👉

these are all soooo interesting <333 n thank you for the kind words !! all of ur theories n feedback give me so much joy :’)

[lukesperfectharmonyhair]

im rewatching jatp instead of studying for the 3 tests i have tomorrow and i thought i would share my thoughts and reactions with each episode so enjoy!!....

wake up

- hearing the “1, 2, 3″ at the start of the episode gives me more serotonin than my antidepressants ever will

- julie’s slippers...that’s it...that’s the thought

- that dry ass pasta the molina’s are eating for dinner??? someone needs to give my man ray some cooking tips or a cookbook... something

-the looks the boys give julie when she says it was an OLD cd she found. as if they could be old??

-the entire julie and luke kitchen scene i mean there are no words to describe how much i am in love with scene. the banter, the flirting, luke giving this girl he literally just met an actual PIECE OF HIS SOUL so she can get music back into her life. not a single time have i watched that scene and not felt my heart literally grow cause of how cute they are. 

-the entire scene when julie is singing wake up. that scene is what made me literally CRAVE watching the other episodes. like of course i was going to watch them cause i wasn’t gonna just stop watching a show after one episode, and yes the show was good already but seeing the lighting and her voice, and just everything about the scene,,,,*chef’s kiss* 

bright

-flynn drinking seven sodas....SEVEN??? i would be throwing up if i drank more than like 2 and she drank seven,,,no ma’am.

- flynn and her trumpet. talented queen

- “ i wouldn’t have given you the song if i didnt think you were gonna rock it.” lmaooo im crying:)

- i start tearing up every time julie goes to play the first notes of bright,,, and then i’m full on bawling when the guys come in and play with her cause...they weren’t playing to be seen they were playing to be there for her and play to comfort her. pls i love them<3

- nick vibing in the front row

- the tech guy deserves so much more praise

flying solo

- reggie’s little butt shake or whatever you wanna call it!!

- julie’s little laugh when she yells at the guys to stop it

- “and we’re on the runway again” GENUINELY one of my favorite lines of the whole show pls i love luke’s humor

-this is the first time i noticed this but reggie’s face after alex says “DONT TELL ME HOW TO GHOST!”

-WILLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU<3333333

-the slow mo helmet take off,,,,me too alex me too

-willie’s little giggles:))))

- “oh-oh!”

- “no clue” alex i love you baby<3

- next season better give us a scene of flynn throwing eggs at someone’s house because i think it’s safe to say we were robbed of that experience. 

- the flying solo performance is just amazing

i got the music

- just the whole opening scene is so cute ....the dancing, singing, happiness RADIATING from julie 

-nick in an all white suit and fedora

-WILLEX MUSEUM DATE YEAH BABYYYYY

- carefree skateboarder bf and anxiety ridden drummer bf

- yelling. in. museums. 

-alex thinking he’s literally dying again because of the salt... zero braincells in this band.

- another scene we were robbed of that i need to see in season 2...reggie singing “home is where my horse is” while alex and julie sit patiently and attentively listen to him but luke looks like he’s about to commit murder

- i get SO MUCH second hand embarrassment for julie when she looks through luke’s songbook and says “ wow luke I didn’t know you were such a romantic” julie baby i love you but...eekkkkk

- “he looks like a substitute teacher”- where did he come up with that like so many other things he could be compared to but a substitute teacher??

- “luke introduced you to rock” heck yeah it did.. literal soulmates

- would like to see a picture of the raccoon in Flynn’s backyard

- wee woo wee woo police sirens://///

- julie’s outfit ughhhh i love it

- the poster that im pretty sure says “sexiest role” behind caleb... why was that necessary 

the other side of hollywood

- THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE OF THE OTHER SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD 

- i lose my absolute shit over this song omg literal chills

- the cape grab i cannot physically do this rn

- willie being so excited the entire performance and looking over to see alex’s reaction

- reggie being in awe everytime one of the girls performing does something.. me too reggie

-”well i wouldn't really call it mAAgiCcCC bUT”

- nick and his fedora again

- alex has a crush, alex has a crush on.....WILLIE

-the boys eating food for the first time in 25 years is honestly so realistic

-alex shoving a whole slice of pizza in his mouth

- lukes ‘OH MY GODDDDD’

- reggie kissing his meatball sub that looks painfully dry but also delicious 

- the continuation of the other side of hollywood performance and everyone dancing

-reggie imitating caleb’s evil laugh and owen trying so hard not to break

-me getting mad at the boys for not showing up for julie and being sad with her but at the same time i’m obviously not mad at the boys just...disappointed?? idk 

finally free

- how did julie get to the school if she missed the first three classes?? wasn’t she still at flynn’s house from the night before cause she slept over so did she walk to school or was she just sitting in flynn’s house by herself and one of flynn’s parents was like you gonna go to school or???

-dance class with nicky poo<3

-reggie fixing his amp in the rain

-julie’s blue dress outfit in this episode is my ABSOLUTE favorite 

- the birthday candle scene makes me sob like a little baby,,,and rightfully so

- julie smart, smart to be taking calculus as what a sophomore??

- all eyes on me yes queen iconic

- alex dancing is how i dance in my brain whenever the song comes on 

- finally free as a song is NEVER given enough credit and why not?? it’s my favorite song they do as a band AND the madison’s vocals and the echoing part omg i loveeeee

- and the whole performance with luke’s heart eyes. i count this performance as the moment luke like fell in love with julie...like full on just blown away with how much awe and admiration he has for her in that moment and all the time.

 - julie and luke singing “and you’re a part of me” while staring directly into each others soul,,,yeah that’s love kids

edge of great

- carlos being the ghost hunter he is and tía being done with him

- luke’s pouting face 

- reggie and ray making breakfast together is so wholesome. reggie really loves and seeks comfort in ray and i love that

- luke just waiting next to julie’s locker and his little “hey”

- the first time i watch this scene i thought charlie was from new york cause of the way he says “ i can't do this without you” and then i watched the cast interviews and just realized he is somewhat joey tribbiani 

- jealous luke hehehehehhehehe

- “well dont you look shARrP”- yes he does luke thank you very much

- “uh oh i think someone has a crush on julie” yeah you do you little shit,,, now admit it to her

- the proud look on luke’s face when he realizes julie is still paying attention to HIM even though she’s supposed to be having a full on conversation with nick

- the shoulder push ( as someone who has had their own shoulder pushed in the middle of a high school hallway as a weird way of flirting,,,,i can definitely somewhat attest to how luke is feeling in that moment and i too continued to flirt with the person who shoulder shoved me while we were still standing in the hallway)

- the flow from whatever the hell dance nick and julie are doing and the perfect harmony dance is so special to me and i love it

-ADOANCLOBNAOVBCOAB THE HAIR PLSSSSS

- EVERYTIME THE SCENE COMES ON AND I SEE HIM WALKING THROUGH THE MIRROR I HAVE TO PAUSE THE SHOW FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES WHILE I DIE LAUGHING BECAUSE THE HAIR IS SO BAD EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE USED TO HOW IT LOOKS AFTER WATCHING THIS SHOW LITERALLY 30 TIMES

- i think people see my username and assume i like his hair in this scene but...ummm fun little fact i do not like it

- the dance is so good though ugh my babies

- the hair

- madison is gorgeous 

- another season 2 scene i need: julie teaching this dance to luke and they perform it in front of alex and reggie so they can see luke roll on the floor like that

-the hair

- the lift i loveeee

- the voices at the end of the song *chef’s kiss*

- the way julie spins out from luke and into nick omg so good

- “thAnKs pArTnER”

- luke denying his feelings for julie,,,babe pls

- the whole edge of great performance is so good and beautiful and the colors are SPECTACULAR 

-julie avoiding luke’s gaze lolz

- can't believe my mans really tried to deny he didn’t have feelings for julie like 5 hours earlier even though he’s getting upset because she hasn’t looked at him in 2 minutes

- THE. GUITAR. RIFF. SOLO.

- when i finally learn how to play the electric guitar well enough to learn the guitar solo... it’s over for everyone

-nick just came to watch the girl he likes perform not watch her flirt with a hologram plssss can we give this man a break next season.

- “we have to say goodbye to julie”- that’s literally more important to luke than not playing music anymore because julie is music to him now

unsaid emily

-already crying and the episode hasn't even started

-willex in the orpheum

- alex literally being OVER reggie

- nope too emotionally unstable to watch this scene right now

- my therapist will be hearing about this tomorrow

- show us the baby picture of luke cowards

- this is such a beautiful song that makes me cry every fucking time gosh damn it

- everytime i watch the flashback scene of luke on his bike i think of “christmas song” by phoebe bridges and i cry even more

- i tried to learn how to play this song on my electric guitar (because i dont have an acoustic guitar) and i ended up crying half way through so i do not think i will be playing it anytime soon:/

- the harmonies *chef’s kiss*

- THE POLICE LIGHTS ....i cry

- FAT tears rolling down my face

- there's literally not a moment i don’t cry during this episode

- interesting little relationship :0

- when i played percussion in 7th grade i used to lay down on the couch in the practice room at school ( which god knows what people did on that couch...ew) and stick my drumsticks up my nose too,,,, just another similarity between alex and i 

stand tall

- willie really drove a bus 200 miles into the desert for his crush

- WILLEX HUG 

- i love willie no last name so much,,,i just wanna hold and protect him

- alex’s ballerina dance

-julie’s overall outfit i love<3

- “im swimming”

- the way carlos hangs up the iPad on tía makes me CRACK UP he’s just lmao bye girl

- another julie outfit i love

- “anything julie. you know that.” AHHHHHAASIDSJFPACISN love bitches

- the suits

- luke’s hair in this episode is so much better than the perfect harmony hair pls

- YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE

- the way luke looks so restricted and confined in his suit... but at the same time he looks like a 10 week old puppy

-luke’s AGGRESSIVE but small foot tapping leading up to being on the stage

- the solos:)))))

- crying again over julie’s monologue to her mom

- julie really was brave enough to be ready to perform by herself

-the way Trevor looks at carrie when she says “been here before”

-ALEXXXXXX

-REGGIEEEEE

-luuukkKKKEEEEEEE

- this performance makes me cry

- especially the first time when i saw luke flickering...sobs

- he finally looks free in his suit:))

- alex’s solo is so pretty i love him

- reggie’s solo too 

- nick just straight up vibing the entire performance

- alex and luke holding hands...hehehe cute besties

- “thank you, guys” NO THANK YOU 

- the way julie begs for them to do something about the jolts for HER cause she knows luke would never say no to her

- “no music is worth making, julie, if we’re not making it with you,” I JUST SCREAMED AND IM PRETTY SURE I WOKE UP MY ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD...whoops

- going back to that line i could say so much about it but....for someone who’s life was literally MUSIC for the 17 years he was alive, and after finding out he could play music again even though he was dead and saying it made him feel alive, he would give that up- he would give up playing his guitar, playing in a band with his friends, give up writing and singing music- if he wasn’t doing that with julie. that’s more than saying i love you,,,that’s literally like saying i’d give up my ENTIRE LIFE and what i love to do if i dont get to do it with you

- i just made myself cry with that description...wow

-the hug<3

-also imagine how luke felt in that moment,,, hearing this girl, once again that he would give his life up for, saying in his ear that she loves them. i would motherfucking glow too, luke

- *passionately but gently holds each others faces*

-HANDS OFF MY BABY NICK, CALEB

- caleb’s outfit is....something

- the head turn plssss

this was so long and i am so sorry but if you read this far.....leave some of your own reactions or thoughts:)))

k goodnight im gonna, ugh, finally go study ://

[sukirichi]

So,,, as I was crocheting, I was listening to this "you were betrayed playlist" on yt because I can't get over dtd like heck I think about it every now and then skskskssk even when I shower (I have this sad song playing in my mind and I close my eyes and let the water run through my face pretending like I'm in those dramas HAHAHAHAHA im dead) but anyways this song was on the playlist and I thought it was a nice song where in y/n could relate to when I imagine her years later, married to Suna, the kingdom is at it's peak with the people knowing that it was queen y/n that got the kingdom at its best and everyone just adores and loves her so much. She thinks that being the best queen the kingdom has ever had and having offsprings that would inherit the throne would be enough to make Suna love her genuinely but then she realizes that it's all just hopes and dreams as she hears the sickeningly sweet laughter of Suna's male offspring with Iris in the background. So she gives the kingdom one last glance before heading inside the mansion to go back to reality, knowing that everytime she accepts the pain - a little piece of her that loves Suna just disappears, and that was the final string.

huhu im crying what the heck o(TT^TT)o btw the song is Dynasty by MIIA

HANA!! omg you were betrayed playlist, that’s… I may or may not have also listened to “royal arranged marriage” playlist or something of the sort. there’s lots of good royal playlists out there that I listened to for inspo hehehe. NO OMG THE SHOWER RUNNING I FELT THAT sometimes we really have to be the main character in those telenovelas, yknow? /lh. oh…oh, that scenario, okay. It hurts to think that YN would still be desperately trying to be genuinely loved even when they already have children like, let’s say ten years from now? AND RINTARO IS JUST LIVING LIFE LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY? naur. knife OUT /j.

also hello? that song is actually in my playlist rn, that song speaks so much on how YN was willing to share and giving everything to him but he abandoned all that like PLEASE ITS SUCH A GOOD SONG

[chaotic-taco-collector-blog]

Here’s my live reaction-

Oh my god i fucking love confrontations this was so intense.

Such bitter words yet they STILL cannot stay away from each other.

Also love kyky being jelly of mase im a sucker for that.

And TRISH AND JUDE SCENE YES OMG FAVOURITE ORDER FROM THE ROMANCE MENU RIGHT NOW.

CHARLIE OMG WHAT

i feel so bad for tay.

Ky concerned about charlies health (moreso about taylors mental health)🫠

He came to the hospital 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 im mad at him for one sec and he reverses it all w one teeny act

Little intimate moments like these are like oxygen to me so adorbs

WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK HE IS ACTUALLY DEAD WHAT ON EARTH WHAT THE FUCK IOANNA

The last convo…whose gonna get taytay back to her senses now💔

Poor lily this is breaking my heart

He came for her AGAIN🥹🥹🥹🥹

Im going to use the phrase “my heart is breaking” 192829292929 times get used to it

Taylors the best sister ever. Periodt.

There we go…those moments again😍

Such a mood enhancer this cutie patootie of a man is, cant be mad at him can we?

I KNEW HE HAD LUNA CAUSE SHE REMINDED ME OF TAYLOR I CALLED IT IN MY HEAD

they kissed i want to cry this was the happiest moment in this chapter what the heck

Taylor speaking french turns me on man i can only imagine what goes thru kylians head😶‍🌫️

Girl 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

How can they be steamy in an innocent way??? Does that make sense???

Some more 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

Little death callbackkkkk we loveeeeee

He needs to leave?🥺

TAYLORS FRIENDS AT PSG!!!! HER BOYSSS🥹🥹🥹🥹 my eyes are sweating rn

Ney and ramos🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 miss neymar and tays duo thats iconic honestly

GO BETH SHES THE UNDERDOG

I miss charlie

I SENSE A HAPPY HAPPY ENDING (even tho i hate that its ending)

I LOVE THIS SERIES SM

THANKYOU FOR THIS❤️

NEW ROMANTICS X MBAPPÉ [13]

» summary: in which an arrogant and talented football player (the best of his time as some say) and a focused and harsh critic of a journalist are gonna have to find a way to co-exist.

» chapter 13: back to the start

» Writer's note: this chapter was especially hard to write Because we are so close to the finish line and i don't want to end 😭😭😭 hope you got tissues with you!! See you at the end!

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“You and Mason figuring things out again, ha?” he questioned, ones they reached the outdoor venue and hid behind a wall, so no one would see them. Taylor snorted at the comment, she could hear jealousy all over his tone, she could even feel him staring at her. She turned around to face him.

“Back to being an asshole again, ha?”

“You sure he won’t be looking for you right now?”

“What are you doing here?” she asked but the question sounded more stupid out loud then it did on her mind. Of course, he was here, he was supposed to be here with the French team. It would be weird if he wasn’t. She looked at his leg “I mean why are you not locked up in a hospital or something with that horrible leg.”

“Same reason you are not locked up in your bedroom after writing that horrible article.”

She laughed, an evil laugh. She bit her tongue annoyed, crossing her arms and looking away because that was a low blow and it seemed like they were back to their old ways. The times when they bit on each other like cats and dogs and scarred one another deep.

“I’m not doing this.” She said and walked past him. He grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn to him again, pulling her close to him. He had missed her skin, her perfume, her aura. He wished she’d go on calling him a piece of shit if that meant she’d stay for another minute with him and ignore Mason Mount. He moved his hand up her arm, making sure the contact gave away his dirty thoughts. Because he wanted her to know, he still thought about her under him or over him.

She looked at his hand, memories swarming in her mind like flies of all the times he’d done that in Paris. Kylian made a step forward, leaking his lips and looking up and down at her. She looked different. The fire in her eyes was gone, like she had no will to fight him at all.

“How did you do it?” she asked suddenly. His eyes lifted up to hers, he wasn’t sure what she meant. She pulled her arm away, replacing his touch with her own by putting her hand over where his used to be. “I can imagine but I want to know for sure. Why didn’t she release the article about us? It was ready! It would have been front page. The biggest headline. So why, did it never break out?”

“Why does it matter--”

“Because it does!” she snapped. “So, tell me, or this conversation is over.” He hesitated. Hid his hands in his pockets. She examined him, her suspicious getting confirmed while she looked at him. “How much did you give her and what else did you promise her because it couldn’t have been just money!” he didn’t respond. She went closer, slapped his arm “how fucking much, Kylian?” she asked louder, tried to hit him again but he snatched her hands—

“Arrêtés!” he yelled, his eyes staring right in hers and she tried to push him away but he pulled her closer instead, their chest bumping onto each other. She looked at his lips, it was an instinct. She craved him as much as she hated him. He angled himself so he’d have access to her lips if he wanted to, if he needed to. “I told you before you left that I’d stop it and that’s what I did. The how is not important.”

“My savior” she mumbled but there was so much irony in her voice, it made him distance himself, take a good look at her. He narrowed his eyes.

“That’s what you have to say?”

“I have a bomb over my head for the rest of my life, what do you want me to say? I Left because I was ready for it to explode and now, I have to look over my shoulder, listening to all these endless rumors—”

“You left because you wanted to ran away—”

“Yes, and you made sure I have to keep running by ‘protecting’ me—”

“Protecting you?” now he would be the one to get defensive, regretful of thinking even for a moment that he could show his true emotions for his ex coach “Don’t give yourself so much credit, I did it for me, as I do everything, hasn’t that been your complaint ever since you met me?” She didn’t answer. “I mean imagine, talented player, can’t hold himself together around an assistant. Pitiful, I’d say!” Something broke inside of her, something she didn’t know she had. He bit his tongue, tasting the poison before speaking he next words “At the end of the day it’s not my fault if you go on fucking footballers and the story comes back around—”

It was a hard slap. He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t expect it or deserved it. When he looked up again, he could see her eyes, swollen, red and tears under them. He had been the cause of that, same way she had been the cause of his aching cheek and it seemed that all the two were capable of was hurting each other, even when they wanted to help.

Trish could hear her ringtone, she knew her phone was somewhere in the bathroom stall, definitely not in her dress pocket anymore. No, that space was filled by Jude’s hands instead while he was leaving his taste on her lips, kissing every corner of her mouth. She was tied on him, pinned against the glass walls that separated the stalls and breathing him in. How did they find themselves in these situations, she didn’t know but she liked it. She opened her eyes to search for the device but a moan left her lips immediately after as she felt Jude sucking on her neck, making her forget what she was looking for in the first place. The phone went silent for a moment, the ringtone echoed again and she tried to untangle herself from the tall beautiful man but he held her tighter, his lips finding hers again.

“let it ring.” He whispered in her mouth.

“You’re being needy.”

“Bite me,” he responded quickly.

Trish laughed “Metaphorically or Literally?”

Jude pulled away only so she could see the sneaky grin on his face “both.”

Trish couldn’t hide her smile as dived in his neck, left bites on his veins. Despite their need to stay locked with each other, the phone didn’t seem like it was going to give up. Trish groaned on his neck and jumped off, she ducked and found the phone under the toilet. As she got up, Jude put his arms around her, to keep her close while she answered the call but she pulled away just seconds later, and turned around to face him, a terrified expression in her eyes.

“Oh my god—” she whispered before hiding her mouth in shock.

“I’m sorry..” it was an honest apology. It came a few minutes later after he had spoken his brutal and offensive words. She had turned her back on him, he was looking at the floor, his hand over his aching cheekbone. She sniffed in her tears, wiping them with the back of her hand. Perhaps this is how it would always be between the two, hurting and healing each other simultaneously. She nodded, knowing that she must have said worst to him at some point, so did she really have any right to be mad at him? Well… even if she did, she had no strength to. His warmth came like a veil around her, as he walked closer and embraced her from behind, his head lost in her hair. He whispered the words that she’d never admit out loud: “Tu m'as manqué.” He kissed her neck, the way he used to in her small apartment, in the city of love, the moments of sin and weakness that they shared. She let him, he kept going, she ached to turn and face him, kiss him, taste him. His fingers crawled slightly under her shirt, the skin to skin contact making both of them dizzy and she was so close to letting go of her defenses, sinking into him, an ocean that if she could breath underwater, she’d stay in forever.

She turned, their lips inches from each other, it’s that moment before jumping in the water, you know it’s gonna be cold and endless, it scares you.

“TAY!”

She moved away, behind her stood a breathless Trish and a worried looking Jude. Something was wrong, she just didn’t know what. Trish hesitated, like the words were stuck on her lips but she couldn’t find the strength to speak them. Taylor noticed the way that Jude had his hand placed on her shoulder. She moved closer to them, losing Kylian’s warmth completely. “What happened?” Trish never said it. Her eyes were loud enough. “Is he ok?”

“In the hospital.” Said Jude.

“Beth tried to call you—” taylor looked in her bag for her phone, she tried to open it but the battery had died, typical.

“Fuck!” She threw her phone back in her bag and walked away, heading to the parking lot for her car. Her heartbeat echoed in her mind. Jude stepped in front of her, his tall figure blocking her view .

“You’re not driving.” He said strictly “I’ll take you and Trish to the hospital.”

Kylian watched the scene unfold, feeling helpless yet again. He followed them to Jude’s car, only stopping when they got in. He stood by the window. “let me know how he is.”

“I will.” She said, part of her wanting him to come with her, to hold her if the worst case scenario were to come true. He gave her hand a light squeeze and he stepped back to let the car leave.

Lily Wilock, was a vibrant girl. She had long black hair, curly, like her mother’s Beth. She didn’t know a lot about the world yet. She hadn’t known any heartache in her life either, but there was something about this night. Everyone had a worried expression, the bright hospital lights were hurting her eyes and she wanted to sleep but even her mother’s hug felt weird like she wasn’t completely with her. She knew her dad, Charlie, was somewhere in one of those white rooms, sleeping because he needed more help than usual and these rooms were more relaxing than usual rooms, or at least that’s what she was told. It was the sound of quick footsteps that had her turning her head as she sat on the black couch in the hall. That’s when she saw her sister, running, Trish was with her, she was always funny. And a man that she had met a couple of times—she liked him because last time she saw him, he ha picked her up on hos shoulders and she felt like she could see the whole world from up there.

“How is he?” Asked Taylor and lily looked up at her, biting her finger while watching at the grown ups. The tall man walked up to her, kneeling in front of her so they were the same height and smiled, waving, taking her attention off the conversation that Taylor was having with her mother.

“Look at you, all grown up. You’re almost taller than me!”

Lily laughed, blushing and hiding her face “Am not!” she said.

“Yes you are look!” he moved his hand between them, making it look like hers was higher than his and the two of them laughed. It was a loud laugh that came out of lily, one that you don’t hear in hospital hallways. Taylor looked at them, remembering that she had to put a mask on for her sister. She went and knelt next to Jude, forcing a smile on her face.

“He says I’m tall!” complained Lily.

“Does he?” asked Taylor, the color of her voice coming out sadder than she meant it to.

“Look how tall you can be—” Jude picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder again and spinning her around. Trish sat next to Taylor, patting her shoulder. And she had to go against every emotion and need in her body, to not start crying because she knew exactly what was going to follow.

Trish and Jude left a few hours later, if she was in her right mind, she would have questioned them leaving together. But she wasn’t. At some point she drifted off to sleep with lily in her arms. Her mind was awake, ready to hear the alarm, but her body had given in and there was something about listening to a little kid breathing in her sleep. She opened her eyes when she felt a slight tickling on her cheek, she thought it’d be Beth and almost jumped of the couch but it was someone else. Dressed in his hoody, black sunglasses to hide his eyes and a mask to cover his features. No one else could recognize him, but she knew his touch all too well.

“Ky?” she whispered.

“hey.”

“You came.”

“You called.”

Taylor smiled, she looked at Lily who had found a hiding place in her arms and at Beth who was sitting in the end of the couch, head laid on her hand. Kylian smiled at Lily. “She’s cuter in person.” Taylor hummed in response, rubbing her eyes. “You wanna go get some coffee?” he asked and she nodded, carefully moving away from lily and getting up, she told Beth she’d be back in just a few minutes with coffee for the both of them.

Taylor was still wearing her mini dress, but Jude had left his jacket for her. Kylian would have offered his hoodie if he wasn’t scared of being recognized. They walked in silence, their fingers almost brushing as they walked. Taylor ordered their coffees but Kylian handed his card to the barista before she had time to pay. The barista took a good look at him but didn’t say anything. The two of them made their way back to where they were before, Kylian took the opportunity and interlocked his hand with hers, making her stop and pulled her in a private corner they could be alone for a minute. He moved his mask down and she took of his sunglasses because she needed to look at them. He leaned his forehead on hers, giving her any energy he had. She held his hand tighter and let her body drop on his chest, he rubbed her back, silence. That’s where the two of them thrived, that’s where they understood each other the most.

“Have you heard anything about Luna?” she asked suddenly.

He held back his smile “she’s thriving.”

“I miss her.” She paused “can you tell your friend to send some pictures?”

He stroked her hair behind her ear. “I’ll tell him.”

“thanks.” She answered and lowered her head. He noticed, sorrow returning.

“He’ll be ok—”

“Don’t say that.” She said quickly.

He hesitated “what do you want me to say?”

So many things, she thought. He brushed her hair, kissing the top of her head. “I don’t know.” He moved his hand to her cheek, lifting her head and kissing her temple, then her cheek, then the corner of her lips and she could taste the salt all over her skin.

The two started moving again, Kylian putting on his disguise like before, hiding his face and walking back to Beth but her entire body froze as she made the turn. Beth was up, standing in front of the doctor, head low, her whispers echoing in the empty hallways, lily laying on the couch, cuddled with her knees, still sleeping. Taylor’s knees couldn’t hold her up, her hands couldn’t hold the coffee cups, she dropped them, dropped herself on the floor too. Kylian tried to keep her up, pulling her hand but he didn’t insist. He let her crumble and he had never heard her making these sounds, these broken sounds, a low scream, combined with sobs and mumbling. She held on the fabric of his shirt, making a fist with her hand as she trembled, so fragile, he thought. So fucking fragile.

How do you move on from such a loss? When the hand that has been holding you through everything, turns cold. Only thing she can remember from that night is moving between different embraces, the sound of cries, hers and Beth’s. The doctor’s eyes. No one tells you about that, how the doctor’s eyes get imprinted in your brain, stay in you thought every time you try to think about the one you lost. No one tells you that even when you’re in the funeral, ready to say goodbye you think about them as if they are alive, expecting them to call as soon as the reception is over. You save a seat for them in church because you were used to saving it for them your entire life. And your last conversation remains on repeat in your head, analyzing every last word, lingering on everything they said.

“Why do you stay? You’re not even happy there.” He told her, the night before the party, the night before he left.

“I’m content.” She lied, now she whished she hadn’t. Her father coughed, it was a rough cough, she should have known.

“You’re settling.”

She looked at him, thinking about his face now, she could see all the signs, the circles under his eyes, his torn lips, his weak color. She could have saved him perhaps, if she wasn’t lost in her thoughts. “Maybe I am. But at least I’m home. It’d be the same in Paris.”

“Paris scares you for all it’s possibilities.”

“Paris scares me for all it’s dangers.” She admitted, looking down at the blanket that she had hidden under, pulling one of the loose threads, scratching her nail against it. “Should have let go of football when god told me to.”

“Since when do you believe in God?” he asked, almost laughing. “had to drag you in church when you were a kid, you weren’t a fan of it when you were a teenager either—“

“People change.” She said, but she was smiling because she knew how stupid she must have sounded.

“Yeah they do. When they are looking for an excuse.” She looked up at him, her smile fading away. “you’re forcing yourself out, telling everyone it’s your decision while convincing yourself it’s your only decision.” He always had the most brutal truths under his tongue, she pulled harder on the thread “No one tells you to turn back to PSG, but you could have a career in this and you are not chasing it—” he coughed, his voice getting raspier “I’ll always blame myself for you missing your first chance—”

“Pa—”

“Now it’s your choice.” He moved closer to her, placed his hand on her heart “it could beat forever and it would never be enough unless it’s in the rhythm you want it to. Don’t let it die in silence.”

Silence. There was so much silence as she stared at his coffin, little lily holding her arm and leaning on it, a reminder of what she was left with to protect. He was gone now, and the only thing Lily had left of him was Taylor, that gave her a sense of responsibility. For the afternoon, lily and Beth went to stay with Beth’s mother, she told them that she could pass by there at night but she wanted to home first, change. In reality all she wanted to was to be alone, think about everything and sink in her sorrow, in hopes that she’d find the bottom at some point. She parked the car right outside of her house, paying little attention to her surroundings. She got out, playing with the keys in her hands when she noticed a familiar set of shoes, and she looked up, she held her keys tighter. She was happy to see him.

“Jude gave me your address.” She nodded. “I would have come to the funeral too but I didn’t—” she raised her hand to stop him.

“It’s best that you didn’t. last thing I needed was paparazzi trying to get a picture of you. There were already whispers about Bellingham being there, I can’ imagine what would happen if you showed up.” She said while walking closer to him. She noticed he was holding a paper bag in his hands and his eyes were soft, she tried to remember if she had seen them as soft in the past. She let out a breath, like she had reached sore after a long way out in the water. She let her body fall on his chest as he shielded her with his arms. “my eyes are dry.” She mumbled “didn’t think that was possible.” He rubbed her back and lowered her head to her ear.

“wanna go inside?”

“yeah.” She whispered and the moved away to get to the door. She unlocked it, stepping in the house, expecting to hear her father’s footsteps running down the stairs, lily screaming her name, Beth cooking in the kitchen. It was empty. No sounds, no movements, just ghost. She told Kylian to leave his coat on the hanger behind the door and walked in the kitchen, ignoring the chilling silence in the house.

“Coffee or tea?” she asked, keeping her mind occupied, as she left her bag on the kitchen counter and opened the cupboards. Kylian came in a moment later, examining the art on the walls, the decorations, toys all over the floor, lily’s he imagined. There was so much color, so much coziness that he felt like he was trespassing to a home he was never invited to.

“tea.” He said, still looking around the kitchen. He could almost imagine the whole family in this room, laughing, teasing each other, a little sad that he never got to experience it with them. His thoughts halted when he heard Taylor hissing and cursing, he looked at her. She was holding her thumb rubbing it and he imagined she had burned herself. He moved closer, coming up behind her while she rumbled about how much she hated this kettle and she always told her father he must buy a new one. Her words fell sort as soon as he embraced her, pulling her to his chest to comfort her and he could almost hear the tears coming. She grasped his arm, her nails almost digging on his skin and he lowered his head to her neck, his grip getting tighter as more sobs escaped her mouth. Weak sobs at first that turned to heartbreaking noises, similar to the ones she made at the hospital. She used her other hand to rub her face, turning around and finding solace in his hug. He picked her up slowly, walked with her to the couch.

“The tea” she whispered.

“I’ll get them.” He said as he sat her down on the pillows and used the spare blanket on the edge of the bed to cover her. He went back in the kitchen for a few minutes, returning with the cups and leave them on the coffee table before finding his seat next, she moved a little forward so he’d sit behind her. He threw his arm around her, bringing her closer to him and she got comfortable on his scent, feeling slightly lucky that he happened to be here, that she was able to feel his skin on hers. She closed her eyes and breathed out a sigh, sniffing in her sadness. He kissed the top of her head and let her cry, without saying anything. He reached for one of the cups and held it in front of her, helped her take a long sip. He was wondering if she had eaten anything in the last 24 hours, he doubted it. He let the cup back on table and brought her even closer, tucking the blanket so she her body wasn’t exposed to any coldness.

“just when I think I’m out of tears—” she wiped away some with her palm, her voice coming out rough. He drew circles on her arm under the blanket and lowered his head, so he could kiss her ear. “It feels like it’s never going to end.” She said, a sob breaking her sentence, her moved her closer to him.

“It will.” He whispered. “it’ll get better.” She gazed at the wall, her mind felt empty.

“It’s not about me I’m more worried about, you know.” She admitted. She moved a little, only so she’d be able to look at him. “it’s lily.” Kylian didn’t know what to say to that, there were no right words. “I met him, I lived him.” She smiled “he was my everything for a long time, what sucks is that she…” she paused, trying to breathe through the pain “she won’t know him.” More tears came rolling down, she shrugged her shoulders “she won’t know what it’s like to have him screaming your name on the bleachers, when he—” she sniffed “tries to be angry but fails—” she laughed at the memories. He watched her carefully, stroking her hair while she spoke “and you know Beth will do a great job but she should have… she should have gotten the chance to live a life with him the way I did.” He wiped the tears for her this time, she leaned on his touch, hyperventilating. “what if she forgets him?”

“that won’t happen. At the end of the day, she’s got you for the rest of her life to remind her of him. Right?” It was so confusing that he’d ever let this woman as close, it was an unfamiliar feeling that he couldn’t translate. How much he cared about holding her together, how he wanted to cuddle her until the storm passed, there was a warmth on his chest, a realization that was settling right over his heart about how he felt about that woman. “have you eaten anything?” he questioned and she shook her head. He went to get up but she pulled his sweater.

“please.” She mumbled and he stayed where he was, didn’t move at all, if that’s what she needed, that’s what he would give her. She turned her head so her nose would be pressed against his chest. And they stayed like that for a while, tangled with each other. He felt her calming, her breathing stabilizing, she’d hold his fingers, play mindlessly with them. An electricity washed over him when she brought his hand closer to her lips and kissed it, he closed his eyes, blocking out any dirty thoughts because it wasn’t the time. “where’d you get that?” she asked suddenly and he looked at his hand, she was rubbing her thumb over a long scar he had on the back of his hand. Kylian smiled but shook his head.

“Can’t remember.”

“Did you get a cat at campus?” she interrogated her finger now brushing over a scar on his arm, that he had forgotten was there. She tilted her head back, forcing herself to smile at him “or was it a lady?”

Kylian laughed, bending his head on hers “nah haven’t met one with nails as sharp as yours yet.” Taylor snorted, closing her eyes as she enjoyed the closeness. Maybe he could help her forget for one night.

“then it must be a cat.” She hummed “I only know one that hates you as much.” Kylian bit his lip, he didn’t want to tell her, as if he would be admitting to a crime. “you said you gave her away.”

He didn’t respond. He stared at her closed eyes, waiting for her to open them so he could look in her soul. He stroked her chin with his thumb. “I said I’d try.”

She smiled, leaning closer to him, their noses brushing against each other. “Is it that hard to find a cat a home these days?”

He dug his hands under her hair. “had to be sure they deserved her.”

She finally opened her eyes, the two of them looking one another like they were about to kiss for the first time. “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I felt like I was stealing her.”

She shook her head, looked down at the threads of his sweatshirt and started playing with one of them “you could never steal anything from me. Seems I keep on giving everything to you.” He lifted her chin with his index finger, so he could lock eyes with her again. She smiled “how is she?”

“I told you, she’s thriving.”

“Buying her the most expensive cat food, are you?”

“Taking her out for walks and all that shit.”

“Do your new girls like her?”

“They never stay around too long for them to find her.”

She scoffed, he noticed the spark in her eyes returning “does she hide under the bed?”

“You remember the high cupboards in the kitchen?”

She hummed

“She stays there all day.”

Taylor placed her hand on his chest “does she sleep here like she used to when you’d come in the apartment?”

He held her hand “some nights.”

“You didn’t have to keep her.”

“elle me fait penser à toi.” [she reminds me of you.] He confessed in a warm breath that hit her face, his gaze remaining focused on her eyes. For all his fear of making eye contact, he didn’t look away even for a second, neither did she. A smile creeped on her face, he wondered if he understood what he said, the familiar heat he used to feel around her returning. Sher leaned in, connecting her lips with his, a sort, emotional kiss, a taste, a slight brush. Then they pulled away, not too much, just enough so he’d look in her eyes.

“Tu m’as manqué aussi” she said in a low tone, balancing her head on his. He couldn’t hide his smile when he heard her speak his language, he wished his could, he wished his hands were tied behind his back as well, so he wouldn’t give in to his thoughts. He didn’t have time to do any of these things because she kissed him again, this time with more force, like she was trying to steal something from him.

“Taylor…” he mumbled in between her lips. She didn’t stop. She climbed on him, getting as close as she could and he had no strength or will to push her away, he wanted this as much as she did. But something in him screamed that it was wrong, that she was too broken and he was taking advantage of it. His hands slid down to her hips, trying to put some force, so she’d stop. She moved back only an inch. He held her face. “you’re too vulnerable”

“I know exactly what I’m getting myself into…” He closed his eyes, remembering of all the times they said this to each other. Of all the times they used it as an excuse. “promise” she added, leaving a peck on his lips “I need you ky.”

He leaned in, sucking on her lips, giving her what she asked for. “are you sure?”

She nodded quickly, leaving a sloppy kiss on his cheek. Her fingers crawled under his shirt, making their way round his biceps, remembering his shape, remembering him. He kissed her, the spot right under her chin, remembering the feeling of her skin on his lips and she locked herself on him for a moment before getting off him, slowly, dragging his hand with her, signaling him to get up.

He did. Their fingers interlocking. He pulled them up to his lips, leaving a trail of kisses as she walked with him to the stairs that led to the bedrooms. He followed, silent, calm and intrigued, she could lead him anywhere and he wouldn’t complain. The reached one of the closed doors. She stopped in front of it, turning to him, he trapped her between him and the door, kissing her again, realizing how much he actually missed her. She pushed down the handle of the door, un-trapping herself and stepping backwards at her room. Her space. There was something different about being in her family house, like he had only seen a version of her in the apartment she was renting in Paris, like she had only let him in halfway through until now. She kept walking until she reached her double bed, a curtain hanging from either side. They stood in front of it, as if they had never touched each other again, like it was the first time.

In a way it was. A chance to go back to the start, when their bodies burned under the same sheets. He made a step closer and she reached for his jumper. He stopped her, his hands covering hers. “no rush” he whispered and moved her hands away. He didn’t care about his own satisfaction, even though he knew he’d get it, he wanted to be sure that he’d get her as high as possible, tonight wasn’t for the both of them, it was for her. His fingertips, caressed her cheekbone, her eyes closed, she was enjoying it. He took his time, moving his finger around her face, until he reached her lips, where his thumb dragged her bottom li. It was dry, it was colorless, he wanted to change that. So he kissed her, she tried to fasten it, but he didn’t let her. He searched for the buttons of her black cotton dress, started unbuttoning it from the bottom-up while his lips gave life to hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him deeper, forcing the kiss to last longer. She pulled his jumper again, pulling it off him, over his shoulders and exposing his muscular arms. She let the clothing item drop on the floor and stepped on it as she got closer to him, he returned to her neck, his favorite place in her body, pleasing her any way he knew how. “jump” he whispered in her neck as he instantly picked her up on his arms and sat with her on the bed, kissing the exposed skin in between her dress. His lips in between her breast working like a drug in her mind. She’d let herself in his mercy for the night. He took of his shirt, uncovering himself and she got drunk simply by the sight. She leaned on him, clinging onto him while slid the dress off her shoulders and let it fall off. Still taking his time, choosing his kisses carefully, making sure every inch of her body was touched and shivering. He picked her up and maneuvered his body, so she’d be laying down and he’d be on top. He pushed her up on the bed, so her neck would be comfortable on the pillows and toyed with the thread of her bra, debating whether he should take it off yet or not.

He chose not to, instead left kisses all over body, from her collarbone to her breast, to her stomach, he knew the way like the back of his hand, like it was home. He heard her whimpering, eyeing her before continuing his trip by kissing her thighs, both of them. There was something different about the way he was holding her this time around. Like the time apart changed their little dance. And she couldn’t pin point the difference yet but she liked it. He came back up, pulling down his pants with his one hand, she helped.

And they continued touching and kissing, getting to know each other’s bodies again, until the could both feel it was time to get lost in each other. He could feel him in between her thighs, hesitant, looking in her eyes, asking for permission that she gave freely with a nod. He lowered his head to her neck and before entering her he whispered to her ear “Ma petite mort.” And then he slid on her, pushing a moan out of her lips that filled the room, echoed in the walls of her childhood bedroom that has changed over the years to mirror who she was as she’d grow up. It took her a while in the haze for her to translate his words—

“is that what love is to you?”

“I think it’s fair to say it weakens your consciousness. Has you dying and awakening repeatedly.”

“How did you say it?” she bit on her bottom lip.

“la petite mort”

Except he didn’t say La. He said Ma. Such small difference. Such heavy confession.

Her eyes opened as realization hit, while he was still inside her and hidden in her neck and her body felt so light in that moment, so fragile. And she wished she could confess the same to him, find a way to tell him she felt the same way. He lifted his head from her body, looked in her eyes, she pulled his head down so she could kiss him, let him taste the words she couldn’t tell out loud.

Next morning the sun creeped in through the curtains that they had let open during the night. He woke up with her body still laying on his, still asleep and as fragile as he remembered it. He checked the time and knew he had to leave soon, catch the flight back home—odd, if he was meant to go home, why did this feel like home as well? He gazed at her rosy cheekbones, how her face was squeezed on the pillow, her chest going and down as she’d let out a fragile breath, he gazed at her like she was a painting, meant for his eyes only. He kissed her nose and moved away, searching his clothes around the room, he put on his pants and his shirt. Picked up his jumper and left it on the bed for her. He leaned over to her, leaving another kiss on the eyebrow and she moved slightly, awakening from the hypnosis he had put her under.

“I have to go.” She reached for his arm, holding it gently. He kissed her, one last kiss. “we’ll talk.” He spoke in her lips. She nodded and let him distance himself. When opened the bedroom door, she sat up and put on the jumper he had left for her. She wanted to go behind him, tell him a proper goodbye, but she was terrified that if she did, she wouldn’t let him go at all. She slowly walked out of the bedroom, listening to him picking his stuff when suddenly she heard voices—“shit” she mumbled and ran downstairs.

Kylian was standing by the front step, laughing at something, talking to someone. She had to get to next to him to see her little sister talking. “lily, where’s Ma?”

“In the kitchen.” She said with her tiny voice. Kylian looked at taylor, a little embarrassed at the situation. Taylor didn’t really know what to say either. “What’s Mbappe doing here?” she asked. Taylor opened her mouth slightly, searching for the right words.

“I wanted to make sure your sister was ok.” He said quickly, then he kneeled to her height. “I’m a close friend” he explained.

“Lily!” Beth came in the living room, holding glass of orange juice. Taylor looked immediately at her, regretful of the circumstances “Oh—” she mouthed but held herself from saying anything else. “Sorry, I didn’t realize—” while the grown ups were occupied feeling awkward about everything, lily ha gone closer to Kylian, put her hand in his ear and whispered

“can we be friends too?”

Kylian smiled, the awkwardness melting away as he looked to the little girl’s eyes. He nodded “you can come to Paris with your sister one day.”

“I’m not as good in football. Mark talks about you all the time, he even has a notebook with your face on it.”

“Is mark your friend?”

She shook her head, hiding begin the doll she was holding. Taylor stepped closer. “we’ve got a little crush on mark you see.”

“Oh—” he laughed “do we? Well, what can I possibly help with that? You think he’d like it if you have him autograph of mine?”

She nodded, smiling. Taylor went and found a piece of paper quickly and a pen, giving both to Kylian. He signed even wrote a message for mark and gave it to lily. They took a picture together and he excused himself, said he had to go to the airport. Taylor showed him to the door, the two of them standing out of his car.

“Thanks for that.” She smiled.

“Uh don’t think about it. I know what it’s like crushing over a Wilock girl.”

“Technically she is the one crushing over him.” She corrected. Kylian pulled her closer y the long sleeves of his jumper.

“I’ve left a bag for you. In the kitchen. It’s some gifts by the boys.”

“They still think about me?”

“Some more than others.” He smirked.

“Did you tell them about…?”

“No. I thought best to tell them in person and I wasn’t sure if you wanted too either.”

“Thanks. Yeah, you can tell them when you get there. Tell them I’ll be ok.”

“I will, because I know you will.”

She stroked his cheekbone, grinned. “last night was nice.”

“Yeah” he licked his lips and chewed on his bottom one.

She kissed his cheek, her lips lingering on his cheek “fly safe.”

He kissed her back and got in his car, driving away.

For the rest of the day she had to answer calls and messages, condolences and everything that she had been ignoring. After the 10th call, she felt like she was she was a robot, reciting the same thing over and over again. People she hadn’t spoken to in years were calling, telling her how much they loved her father, some of it felt so fake to her, she wanted to yell at them.

She plummeted herself on one of the chairs in the kitchen table, shutting off her phone and throwing it on the table. “I don’t want to talk to any more of them.”

“Then don’t” said Beth, while she was mixing the soup. Taylor looked at her.

“What are you making?”

“Chicken soup.” She glanced at her “do you mind fixing the table? Dr. Rhodes we should try keeping a routine for Lily’s sake.”

“Yeah…” she nodded and got up. Then she noticed the bag on the middle of the table and sat back down “god I forgot about this.”

“What is it?”

Taylor untangled the bow and opened the bag “Kylian gave it to me, I don’t know.” She put her hand, searching for the random items and took out a dozen pictures. “Bloody hell…” she looked at them, her heart melting at the memories. They were pictures of her and the boys. Pictures of when they won against AL NSSR, or when they had a water fight on campus. She sensed the heat of a tear under her eye. A picture of her and Neymar, looking like dorks. A picture of her in her blue Dior dress, next to Ramos. She let out a laugh. Beth turned to her, letting down spoon she was trying the soup with and went closer.

“Are these from Paris?”

“Yeah.” She said. She looked back in the bag, found a napkin, she picked out and realized—“I’m gonna kill him.” She whimpered, she didn’t mean it of course, all she wanted to do was kiss him. She read the names on the napkin, remembered writing them herself, the first night that she went out with the whole team. The jokes the shared, Neymar being a little too flirty. Kylian staring at her, a gaze that at that point she couldn’t decipher but now she longed for every time she closed her eyes.

“You look happy.” Said Beth, taking her out of her thoughts. She turned her attention to her, confused. Beth dragged back one of the chairs and sat down next to taylor. “Love the dress” she said as she picked out the picture with her and Ramos. Taylor forced a smile and looked back on the bag, there was as shirt in the bottom, she took out, it was with the psg colors, her name on the back, number 16 under it. She was bawling, but these tears tasted differently. “Aw sweetie.” Beth moved her chair closer to taylor and cuddled her like any mother would. She rubbed her head.

“The night before he left, he told me I should go back and I told him I couldn’t because I had him here and I couldn’t leave him—” she could hardly breathe “and now he’s gone and I got you and lily, I can’t leave you either—”

“Hun, listen to me—” Beth pulled away, forcing taylor to look at her, cradling her face “you are not gonna stay here for us.” Even she was crying now “Lily doesn’t need you to stay. She needs you to show her what life can be. She needs to see her older succeed in all the ways that you have. You know how proud I am that she’s got you to look up to?”

“Why do I always have to let go of something in order to get something else? It’s not fair—”

“Oh love…” Beth stroked her hair, her expression filled with compassion and love “unfortunately life is that way sometimes. And possibly this won’t be the last time you’ve got to make a choice like this but as your father would tell you—whatever will be, will be.” Taylor rubbed her nose; she was a mess. “As long as we are terrifying of wanting, that’s when life gets us down. Losing Charlie, it will haunt me forever, but he always cheered for us to get what we wanted, didn’t he? He was such a believer in knowing what you want, with no fear or embarrassment. Always sad that you were so scared of admitting to your own wants.” She smiled, kissing her temple “go to Paris. Be with him, be with the team, whatever you want and that’s when you’ll find balance.”

Taylor nodded and fell in her arms, in the back of her mind, thinking it was her father, that was holding her. She sank in the thought.

When everyone went to bed, she stayed in the living room, she had the lights low, the fireplace open. She was looking at the pictures, her t-shirt laid on the couch, while her computer stayed open on the table, on a booking website for airplane tickets. It was a simple and she’d go back, not necessarily to stay but to get a taste, she if she wanted or even if she could stay. She let down the pictures, leaned forward on the computer and clicked it.

No one said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

IM SORRY I PROMISE I NEVER MEANT FOR THIS STORY TO HE SO SAD ITS THE CHARACTERS 😭😭😭😭😭 god this one was a hard to write but i do hope you liked it!!! As Always your comments are welcomed and needed, especially now that we are so close to the end. The plan is for only two more chapters but it all depends to how long ch14 will be. What do you guys think now that it's ending? What has been your favorite moment and what do you think will happen? Will these two finally be happy in the city of stars 👀✨ keep an eye out for all the hints. Ending has already been revealed. Love you all so so much!!!