#im a little scared bc the last time i felt such a buzz i was going into psychosis and abt to start an emotional affair and scare the hell

[juniestar]

My zine has a total of 170 upvotes on reddit and ppl are asking me abt trades and friends have asked me abt buying… im really excited! I think i know my next steps here

[kooktrash]

Mafia!jimin where he caught yn trying to leave him in the morning bcs of his rival threatened her to kill her family if she didn't.

13. "Please dont leave me." And 17. "Are you upset with me?" Please :3

hdjhdjj

Love Surrender

summary: your relationship with Jimin had always felt like it was on bothered time, but you were too scared to tell him.

warning(s):

- You had always questioned what drove you to be with Jimin. He lied to you, did awful things to others, and wasn’t trustworthy. You always wondered if it was fear that you stayed with him, or love. But you couldn’t wrap your head around loving someone who couldn’t tell you who he really was. It took an entire year for him to tell you what he did for a living. That was one of the first lies he told to you. The second, was that he’d always protect you and your family no matter what.

But now you understood that it wasn’t possible. Because even though he had all these connections with big scary people, there was always someone who was going to find their way around his security. He tried his hardest to always make you feel safe, and you thanked him for that. Because on the days where you lived paycheck to paycheck or your car would break down, he was always there to pick you up. He treated you like you were his world, and he’d tell you that every day that you almost believed it.

And if it wasn’t for last night, you could’ve seriously pictured spending the rest of your life with him.

- “Y/n,” it was late. You wiped at the sticky bar top trying your hardest to hurry up. It was just your manager and you, and he loved to leave early. “You don’t mind closing by yourself tonight, right? I have to get my kids to bed already, the babysitter’s leaving soon.”

“That’s fine, I’ll make sure to lock up,” you had told him. You locked up the restaurant on your own many times, it wasn’t hard and almost everything had been done anyway. You’d finish cleaning up and then you’d text Jimin telling him you’ll be home soon.

The glass in your hands almost slipped at the sound of the door opening. You looked up, placing the cut down as you noticed the group of men walking in. Pushing your loose strands behind your ear, you frowned apologetically, “Hello, I am so sorry but we are closed for the night. The cook already left.” They ignored you, locking the door and pulling the blinds down. You found yourself taking a step back, one of them smiled at you, “You must be Y/n I’ve heard so much about.”

“Who are you?” With brows furrowed you waited, scooting to the side where your phone was put away in a drawer. “Consider me,” the man pushed for a moment, “A friend of Jimin’s. You can call me Suga.”

You could hear buzzing coming from the drawer and he smiled, “That must be him. Find the phone.”

You made a move to run but one of the guys gripped your arm. He clicked his tongue shaking his finger at you, “That’s not how you treat company now is it?”

“What do you want?” You asked trying to push against the restraints of the man’s grip. He smiled warmly, “Well you see, I don’t have any problem with you Y/n. You seem like a smart and hardworking girl, so why you’re with him? I will never understand. But that is not why I’m here.”

“The reason why I am here is because, I am tired of seeing pretty girls like yourself get hurt by men like Jimin.” He took a step closer to you. “What does that have to do with you?” You spat out, wincing as he lifted his hand to you.

Pushing your hair back he smiled, “Well let’s just say someone I hold dearly was in your position once upon a time.”

“So I want you to understand that my problem is not with you,” Suga said reaching into the inside pocket of his blazer, a picture of you with your sister and father, “Or with them. And unless you want to see them get hurt, I advise you to leave Jimin. For your own good that is.”

- You didn’t return home last night. It had left Jimin up majority of the night, your text for reassurance doing anything but that. “She’s not back yet,” he huffed looking to Jungkook as the two waited, “She won’t even answer my text.”

“She said she was sleeping over at Yuna’s, relax she’s fine,” Jungkook tried telling his friend. Jimin only shook his head, pacing back and forth, “I know but...no she’s fine. She has to be. She’d tell me if she was in trouble, right?”

“Yes, she would,” Jungkook sighed standing up, “So why don’t you get some sleep. You’re looking sort of psycho right now.”

The sun hadn’t even fully come up when you arrived home. You spent the night at your dad’s house, fixing up your room that had been used for storage. Your sister and him bombarded you with questions left and right, asking why you were leaving Jimin. They never understand the kind of people Jimin knew, or that you wanted to make sure your family was safe over being with who you loved.

Jimin was passed out on the couch, still in a suit and a few empty glasses scattered on the coffee table. You were as quiet as a mouse, trying to hurry into your bedroom to get your things. You didn’t want him to see you. He’d try and make you stay or ask why you were leaving. You hoped you could just go, not have to listen to his promises, not feeling like a burden to him.

You flickered the light to your bedroom on. Going into the closet and pulling a chair up. You stood on it, reaching a high shelf to pull your old duffel bag out. You hadn’t used the worn out bag since you first moved in. Not even when you’d go on vacation with Jimin, he’d buy you suitcases from high-end brands instead. You were leaving him, but you were only taking what you came with.

You threw the bag on the bed, quickly opening your drawers and pulling out what you could remember. A lot had changed since you moved in with him, but you could still remember your worn out things from the luxurious things he’d buy you. You shoved your laptop in, not caring much as you put shoes and clothes and everything you could think of.

“What do you think you are doing?” You could feel your heart drop, not wanting to turn around and face the reality. Jimin took a cautionary step toward you, heart racing as he got a closer look at what you were doing.

“Um, Yuna and I are spending the weekend at a spa, I forgot to tell you?” You lied, clearing your throat. You could see the way he pressed his teeth tightly, eyes narrowed down on your belongings as you tried blocking them. “Are you trying to lie to me right now? Right to my face?” He asked pulling out your old slippers from the bag, “What. Are. You. Doing?”

“I already told yo—I just gotta go for a little bit,” you bit your lip, “Jimin stop it.” You reached for the things he pulled out of your bag. “You’re leaving me aren’t you?” He asked through gritted teeth.

“Jimin I—“

“Why?” He asked, suddenly pushing your bag onto the floor, a crack being heard from your laptop hitting the ground, “And don’t fucking lie to me.”

“I just have to go okay? I have to go, please just understand and give me space,” you reached for your things with shaky hands. He grabbed your arm, pulling you toward him, “I don’t understand though. Tell me what’s going on. Are you in trouble? I can help you. Just tell me what it is. Is it money? Is your dad in the hospital again? I’ll pay the bill don’t worry about it baby, okay? Is it your sister—“

“No! I just, I need space okay? I don’t think I can do this anymore—“ “Y/n!” His body trembled, “Listen to me. What is going on? You can’t just leave me like this and not tell me why. You can’t just leave me. Please,” he reached for your hand pulling it to his chest, “Please don’t leave me. Whatever it is we can figure it out together, just like we have for the last four years.”

“Jimin I—“ he dropped down to his knees, arms wrapping around your waist, “No. Please Y/n. Please don’t leave me.”

“You don’t understand,” you could feel a tear slip from your eye as he planted soft kisses on your hand repeatedly, “I have to.”

“Why?” He shouted, eyes growing red, “Why do you have to leave me? Am I not enough for you? I’ve tried to give you everything, and I’m not asking for anything back but for you to love me. Do you not love me?”

“Jimin, he’s going to come after my family if I stay with you,” you finally said. He sniffled, looking at you with a cold expression slowly raising to his feet, “What did you just say?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything. Please just let me go,” you sighed but he gripped your shoulders roughly, “Who is he?”

“Jimin, you’ll only make it worse. You can’t always protect me,” you argued but he shook his head. “Who the fuck was it?”

“Some guy named Suga.”

“Look at me,” he held your face in his hands, “Unpack your things, right now baby. You’re not going anywhere, I won’t let you. Let me take care of him okay? I’m sorry for putting you in this.”

“Bu—“ “I’ve got it baby, don’t worry.”

“Are you upset with me?” You asked as the pad of his thumb wipe: a tear away, “I’m sorry.”

“No baby,” he kissed you lightly, “Of course not. But if you try leaving me again, I will be.”

::.

IM SORRY BABSHDJSKDHKSNDHSJSNSHSJKSD. I LITERALLY CANNOT WRITE MAFIA LIKE WHAT EVEN HAPPENS NEXT 😭😭😭

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 3

a/n: uwuwuwuwu this is an au since yanno,,,, they didnt really make it to nationals :(

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

GUESS WHOS BACK! BACK AGAIN!

anon:

may i request a scenario where seijoh made it to nationals and atsumu flirts with reader🥺

CAN WE BLS STOP THIS SANGWOO/ATSUMU TYPA BEAT BC I HONESTLY DONT VIBE W IT AND IT LOWKEY SCARES ME A LITTLE :o

OMLOMLOML YALL MADE IT TO NATIONALS

to be honest, it was,,, unexpected

you were sitting there, on the bench and gripping it in anticipation as seijoh and shiratorizawa were once again at a match point thanks to kyotani’s angry spike

going past 31, they were now 31-30 with seijoh in the lead

you could tell ushijima was getting antsy despite him covering it up and encouraging his team with a one-liner

your own team was buzzing with both nervousness and hope and iwaizumi was clenching and unclenching his fists in anticipation for the last toss

when the ball went up, oikawa’s eyes flashed, arms moving to set and the red-haired spiky guy was now watching which spiker he was going to give it to

however

he tossed it to no one

instead, oikawa’s hand flicked and he dumped the ball

it was like in slow motion and as shiratorizawa’s players scrambled to the floor, 

it was too late

the ball bounced on yellow polished floor before rolling away, completely unaware of what just happened and the lives it just changed

your mouth hung open, eyes trailing after the rubber ball like every single people in the gym

then it finally hit you

‘YOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

a scream from iwaizumi lit the candle of happiness and you didnt even care, running out to the court to jump on your captain, tears flowing down his face and his arms squeezing you tightly against his chest

‘AKLDFJJSHKFEOIOWIHFSKESIFOEWIHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

it was all a jumbled noise from everyone, your team, your coaches, the fans in the stand, and even from that orange boy and his team

the boys were hugging each other and crying and sobbing but oikawa’s hold remained on you, your own tears mixing with his sweat and coating his neck

‘you did it, oikawa-san. you did it’

you whimpered and he laughed and you felt him nodding

‘we’re going to tokyo. nationals!’

he choked out 

‘OIKAWA!’

the entire gym rumbled and you basked in the joy that the entire team radiated before having to stand with the coaches so they could shake hands with shiratorizawa for a good game

the locker room was loud, even much louder than the gym, with kindaichi’s loud sobbing and mattsuhana’s loud celebratory singing and iwaizumi’s joking shouts and eventually joining in

iwaizumi held his arms out for you and you giggled, crashing straight into him

you wiped his sweat filled face and he sat down on the bench, with you standing between his legs and his large hands gripping your waist

‘it’s not a dream, right?’

he whispered, eyes closed at the gentle feeling of you caressing his face

‘no, iwa-san. nationals is ours’

you soothed and he let out another loud laugh before pulling you close and burying his face in your stomach, probably crying again but this time, out of joy

for years theyve tried

and now, they succeeded

well,,, nationals should be a good thing, right?

hmm,,, maybe the honor of going

but the other players??

oh god

it was obvious when miyagi’s representative entered through those doors and eyes immediately went to their manager

it wasnt like you were the only female manager but you were an unfamiliar team so you have never been seen before

uwu youre so pretty like bow down to the goddess

oikawa’s hold on your hand was tight and his eyes flitted to everyone who looked at them, as if signalling them to back off and you were his

‘wahh, oikawa-san! kageyama told me that the best of the best are in here! he told me to look for fukurodani and nekoma!’

seijoh’s eye twitched at the mention of your new-found friend who you’ve been texting back and forth and him secretly teaching you everything about volleyball since your own team has been too busy preparing for nationals

they watched you try and stand in your tippy toes to find the apparent red and black jerseys and the black, white and gold jerseys

hmm,,,, it seems everyone had the same colors

‘ne, y/n-chan, you trust our team, don’t you? if anything, we’re part of the best of the best! you got the best setter right here!’

oikawa grinned but you nodded distractedly

‘come on, we got to go unpack and train’

iwaizumi nudged so you had to stop looking and you followed your captain, who still held your hand

but this is a typical fanfiction ladies and gents

as you were walking towards the locker room, there was a team that wore maroon colored jackets and were walking towards you

again, this is seijoh’s very first nationals so nobody really knew of them

they were more familiar of the white and purple jackets of shiratorizawa rather than the mint green and white of seijoh

however, oikawa seemed to know them

‘ah’

he whispered out, making you look up at him but his sights were straight towards them, a hard and cold look

‘ara? fresh blood?’

you cringed at the weird analogy and the guy with the black tips, who you infered to be the captain, elbowed him

 ‘excuse us’

he nodded in greeting and you noticed the guy with the bleach hair and you did a double-take, blinking rapidly

‘oh sangwoo?’

KSLDFJKDLFJSLDK KILL ME ALREADY

watari coughed, knowing exactly what you meant and it seems nobody else did except for the sangwoo look-a-like

and he raised an eyebrow in interest

‘hm? you called?’

another guy with gray hair, who looked exactly like him, rolled his eyes and he pulled him forward to walk after their captain

but he didnt let off yet

as he passed you by, he leaned close, breath fanning your ear

‘but its miya atsumu, baby girl’

ON GOD I WANT TO COMMIT WITH HOW GROSS HE IS LIKE BLS

kyo, who was behind you, growled at him and pulled you behind himself

‘she has name, fcker’

atsumu faked a surprise and backed away with his hands up

‘alrighty, then. didnt know you had a bodyguard, girlie. but maybe,, later on, we could get to know each other. alone’

YALL THIS IS GOING TO GET BETTER LATER I PROMISE HES NOT A WEIRDO PERVERT AS HE SOUNDS

osamu was annoyed and dragged him away, leaving you with your team, who were also extremely pissed off, especially oikawa

‘heh, the best setter in the country and yet he acts like a horny dog’

oikawa seethed, a pointy smile etched on his face

‘eh? best setter?’

you wondered but not given an answer because your captain would be damned if that atsumu decided to show up again

the locker room was actually the same back home

but kindaichi was sobbing again

‘t-this room! the best of the best! i cant-too much-’

you were busy hugging him and wiping his tears to notice the third years huddling over by the corner

oikawa was sitting on the bench while iwaizumi was changing into his practice jersey and the other two were flanked beside the captain

‘of course theyve got their eye on her now’

oikawa mumbled, fingers laced together and touching his lips

‘what can you expect? y/n-chan is an extremely pretty girl’

mattsun shrugged

‘but ugh, if i see that cheese face again,, i will fight’

iwa threatened, angrily slipping his arms through the holes

‘he reeked nasty! gross!’

makki agreed

‘so we’re agreeing to keep her in our sights right?’

they agreed to oikawa’s question and were going to stick by that word

but,,,,

what can you expect from star-struck players?

maybe its because theyve worked for so long to reach this point that the fact that they’re even standing in the tokyo stadium felt like a dream

‘guys, i need to go and fill the bottles really quick’

they mumbled distracted agreements so you sighed and lugged the crate of bottles

thank god there was a fountain nearby and as you were capping the last one, a familiar voice rang from behind you

‘oh? baby girl?’

you flinched at the weird nickname and thought that if you stayed quiet, hed leave

‘chibi? hey?’

he asked and made his way to your side, you closing your eyes and looking off to the side

atsumu thought you were interesting, not like every girl who would spread their legs at him and press up to him

the fact that you even AVOIDED looking at him was so foreign to him and your dismissive attitude made him so drawn to you

‘look, im sorry if i made ya uncomfortable earlier’

he,,, apologized?

but you didnt know who he was so you didnt know how out of character it was for him to even say ‘sorry’

'miya-san, hello’

you mumbled, eyes now opened but still focused on the bottle you gripped

he cracked a smile and was he,,,, nervous?

usually, hed say something dumb or sarcastic to cut the tension, but it was like he was even,,, careful,,, with what he wanted to say next

‘how-um-you like it ‘ere?’

if osamu was to see him now, he’d think his brother was kidnapped by those aliens oikawa swore up and down were real and was replaced by some opposite dimension version of atsumu

you gulped, mustering up a small smile before turning to look at him

‘miya-san, dont take offense to this, but just know i have a very loud voice and i can lift 80 pounds. and im the first one to ever beat iwa-san in an arm-wrestling match’

you puffed your cheeks in intimidation with your eyebrows furrowed but accidentally looking more cute rather than scary

were you,,, threatening him?

atsumu paused for a second to assess the situation and really understand the underlying meaning of your words

then he laughed

a real hearty laugh that made him go for a whole minute

‘-ahahaha!! whew, chibi-chan, ya’r a rare one’

wait i dont know how to type you’re with an accent !!!!!

he let out a few more chuckles then wiped a tear that fell

you just stood there 🧍‍♀️ 

‘you think its funny, miya-san? yahaba-kun and i also have a supernatural telepathy phenomenon-’

‘chibi-chan, i swear i wont hurt ya’

he promised but you backed your face away, an eyebrow raised

‘thats what they all say. if anything, youre scaring me more so i’ll-’

‘wait’

he held out a hand out but he quickly curled it, pulling it back to his chest

‘i,,,, listen i know how basic this may sound but,,,, youre the first to ever be like this to me’

you rolled your eyes

‘you think i havent heard that before? i have oikawa-san in my team, for god’s sake! ‘youre one of a kind’ ‘youre not like other girls’ yadda yadda’ try harder, miya-san’

you tilted your head with a crooked smile 

were you,,, playing hard to get?!

atsumu’s eyes shined, wanting to finally do the chasing rather than being chased

‘well, first off, chibi-chan, i need to know your name’

he leaned forward with his hands buried deep inside his maroon jacket pocket

‘my name? what good will that do? you already call me something else dont you? a name is meant to help people call each other and youve been calling me ‘chibi’ so what’s the point of giving you my birth name?’

even with a straight face, atsumu right away knew of your teasing as your eyes were shining brightly and had a hint of amusement in them

oh my god hes in love with you

he was in disbelief of your attitude towards him so he nodded slowly and laughed again

‘what can i do to earn that name then, chibi-chan?’

ehehehe kuroo,,,,, im in danger

you crossed your arms and pouted, leaning forward

‘ehh? why do you want it so bad? do you call others ‘chibi’ too?’

your expression of suspicion was so adorable that he couldnt stop himself from lunging forward and squeezing your cheeks between his fingers

‘so cute. youre my only chibi, chibi-chan’

you hummed, swiftly wiping his touch away from you

‘doubt it. ive only met you today and you’re already acting like this. what makes you think i think youre genuinely interested in me, miya-san?’

‘fate?’

this time, you chuckled, head leaning down

and as you looked back up, your heart stopped

by the distance, there was a familiar-looking haired boy with golden eyes and an also familiar black hair and steel blue eyes

oh dear

your emotions went sour but you saw the black and white-haired male laugh and the steel eyed male shake his head in disapproval but had the hint of the smallest smile

they,, were now happy

‘fate, you say’

you mumbled distractedly

‘fate instilled magnets in us so i just cant help but be drawn to ya’

atsumu grinned but you averted your eyes to look at him, a soft and genuinely happy look

‘would those magnets be strong enough to draw us together, even if we were in another life? if we were fated, would we meet again?’

you looked up at him, your eyes still glistening but this time, with the slightest bit of hope

atsumu sent you a confused glance but he still shrugged

‘i guess so, if i’m so drawn to you right now. maybe in our past life we were,,, together?’

he tested out, expecting you to roll your eyes and walk away but you laughed

‘well, i just witnessed it happening so maybe its possible?’

you wondered out loud

atsumu blinked again, getting more and more interested in you

‘chibi-chan?’

he asked you and you jumped slightly to look at him with a smile

‘say, miya-san, what if i told you that i remember my past life? and what would you say if i told you that you were in it?’

you grinned but atsumu scrunched his face together before smiling

‘hmm, i dont know what youre sayin but it proves my point!’

he exclaimed but you cocked an eyebrow, a sad smile resting on your lips

‘now what would you say if i told you that you were my nurse?’

a/n: omg i actually hate how this turned out like bls blast me on this

a/n pt 2: during my break, i actually re-read ‘in another life’ and i wrote this up after i finished it again and can i just say? I WILL NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CREDITS TO LITTLELUXRAY ON AO3

a/n pt 3: hewwo im back again and since no one replied with a link, i can,,, guess??,,, that the book is gone??? or taken down?? but anyways, i just really wanted to post something and tbh, stuff like this cant be helped but i really do hope that it’s gone and if its not, dkasjdfkslf again send me the link

[dont-call-me-baby-posts]

i love the idea of anders ans rachels friendship bc could they possibly be any more different

SO TRUE!! and if you think about it, Anders knew Rachel before he knew anyone else. I love this idea!!

///

OK SO HOW THEY MET LETS GET INTO IT~~~

Another day, another fucking party.

Nobody here knew Anders, and no one gave a fuck about him either. But, according to the label, it was good for his “exposure” that he be here. So, here he was.

He wondered as he leaned against the wall, his fourth beer in hand, if everyone here could tell how nervous he was. Maybe they just thought he was playing it cool… did he look cool? He certainly didn’t feel cool, but he supposed he never really had. He must look awkward and out of place. He knew he did.

And so even though he’d only been here a half hour, he threw back the rest of his fourth beer and let the buzz (which was now more of a wobble) motivate him to put himself out there. Make friends. Act tough. He felt like a kid on the first day of school. Like this was freshman orientation and everyone else here had already made friends.

“Hello.” He said stiffly, walking up to a girl who was pouring herself a drink. Her back was to him, and it was with no swagger or tact that he spit out his greeting. The girl was pouring herself a Coke, sans any alcohol. And she was alone, which Anders thought was reason enough to strike up a conversation.

The girl jumped a little, letting out a sharp sound as she turned to Anders. She nearly dropped the can in her hand, making Anders regret ever even approaching her. However, once she had actually turned to face him, he regretted it even more.

“Oh, holy fuck.” He spit out, taking in the girl in front of him. He knew exactly who she was; everyone on Earth did. It was Rachel, as in the Rachel. Anders knew he’d fucked up big time, introducing himself to her, as if she’d ever give someone like him the time of day. “I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t know it was you, I-I’ll go. Im so fucking sorry.”

Rachel laughed, a hand pressed to her chest in shock. Anders began to walk away when she spoke, her voice soft compared to all the yelling and singing and other noise around them.

“Hey, wait!” She said, making him stop in his tracks. “You didn’t tell me your name. Im Rachel.”

“I know.” Anders choked, shaking his head. “I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m just…” He felt his face flush a deep red as he fumbled, further embarrassing himself. “Im trying to introduce myself to people and everything and I saw you here but I didn’t know it was you. Im really sorry.”

“So introduce yourself, then.” She smiled, a warm kind of look that Anders swore he hadn’t seen since he’d been in LA. She was perfectly well spoken, as if everything out of her mouth was rehearsed, and yet genuine. “You’re allowed to talk to me, you know. I’m not a jerk or anything.”

Anders let out a nervous laugh, picking up another beer off of the counter behind him. He was already drunk, and the last thing he needed was to be even more wasted, but maybe if he had some more he wouldn’t have to remember this interaction ever happened. He popped off the top, twisting it on his forearm, and took a sip.

“Well, if I’ve made a good impression, my name is Anders.” He giggled. “And if I haven’t, my name is Christian.”

“Anders!” Rachel gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth. “I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you! I love your new song!”

“You’re a lair.”

“I’m not!” Rachel smiled, her hair shaking around her pretty head while she laughed. “I’ve been listening to it nonstop! I can’t believe you’re here!”

“I can’t believe I am, either.” Anders responded honestly, a soft laugh from both of them following. “I’m a big fan of yours, too! I mean, with your whole, uh, modeling thing. Great pictures, and all that.”

Rachel threw her head back in a laugh, her hand running through her dark hair. She tilted her head to the side, a soft expression on her face Anders couldn’t quite place. She looked…. Nice.

“That means a lot.” She giggled, taking a sip of her soda. “Do you want to go outside for a second? It’s kind of overwhelming in here.”

And so off they went, making painfully awkward conversation (mostly on Anders’ part). Rachel didn’t seem to talk about herself too much, which was surprising, and asked a lot of questions. She asked if Anders watched any sports (he didn’t), and what kinds of TV shows he likes to watch. She asked about his music and if he’d been in LA long. She seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say, which made Anders’ skin crawl in a nice kind of way.

It was almost easy talking to her after a while. (Emphasis on almost). Anders didn’t fight it, doing what he was meant to abs putting himself out there. He was just grateful he’d had someone there to catch him.

///

Anders, a few months later, would consider Rachel a good friend. She was always someone to chat with at a party (back when he used to go to those), and she always did her best to make Anders feel comfortable. He’d never explicitly said to her that he was kind of a nervous person, but she just knew.

She’d sent him flowers when he got home from rehab, and texted him from time to time to see how he was doing. She was like a safety net, someone who would always be on his side no matter what the circumstances. She always sided with him when he got into a stupid fight with Harry or Logan, and told everyone to go easy on him when he said something fucking stupid.

“Guys, give himself break.” She’d say, snuggling into Logan’s side. “You’re being kind of hard on him.”

“Yeah, guys.” He’d say smugly. “Stop being mean to me.”

“You literally told me my hair cut looked bad!” Y/N would snap back, throwing an offended glance at Logan who would just shrug.

“I didn’t say it was bad, I said I liked your old hair more. That’s all.”

“Who says that!”

“I’m just being honest!”

“You’re being an ass!”

“Rachel, tell her I’m not an ass.” He’d always try, looking over at her. She’d always give that same, soft smile and let out the same, small breath.

“I think he means he’s just not used to it yet, Y/N.” Rachel would defend, her tone so soft she could probably say anything and get away with it. “I’m sure he thinks it looks lovely. Right?”

“Yeah.” He’d agree. “It’s lovely.”

Everyone else would just roll their eyes, telling Rachel yet again that she was too soft on him. She’d just smile and say she couldn’t help it. And, to be honest, Anders couldn’t help the soft spot he held for her, too.

Anyway, they were good friends. They were good friends in the way you were good friends with someone from school, who you’d see for an hour during math class and then not really talk too much too unless they needed help with their homework. He wouldn’t necessarily say they were close, but she was a friend nonetheless.

They weren’t really the kind of friends who hung out one on one. They texted here or there, Rachel asking some surface level questions that the both knew how to read into. (“How is your day going? Have you been working on any music lately? Are you coming to dinner tonight?”). It’s like she wanted to ask him if he was okay, to check in on his sobriety or his mental health and just didn’t want to make it weird and say that. Anders loved her for that, and he’d give equally as vague answers to her questions.

Rachel: I just saw a girl at lunch wearing the best pink sweater!!!!!!!!! It was so you!!!!!!!

Anders: ahhh sounds like it haha!

Rachel: I’ll have to find it for you. It would look so good with the hair color you have right now!!!!

Rachel: how are you?

Anders: I’m really good :) went to lunch with h and finished knitting that scarf I was working on ayyyyooo hbu?

Rachel: OMG send me a pic!!!!!!!

Rachel: and I’m good! I’m glad you had a good day!!!!!

And that was the just of it. Anders really did love Rachel, her softness in stark contrast to all of his rough edges. She was warm and quiet and only ever stumbled over her words when she was lying. She was a great counter weight to the heaviness he felt sometimes. She was like white noise.

Today, Anders had decided to let himself into Y/N’s house, feeling a little bit fucky and honestly just wanting to annoy his best friend for a bit. He bounced in through the front door, kicking his adidas off in the entryway and sliding around the corner to the kitchen where he could hear the sounds of someone digging through the fridge.

“Honey, I’m hooooome!” He sang, sliding himself straight into the kitchen island. It wasn’t until he had already made contact that he noticed it wasn’t Y/N at all standing there, but Rachel. She was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and a tank top, her face coated in a pale green sort of concoction.

They both froze for a second, Rachel letting out a high pitched screech. He was somehow always scaring her.

“Oh. Hello.” Anders chirped, standing up a little straighter. “That’s my bad. I didn’t know you were here, uh… Is Y/N around?”

Rachel pressed a hand to her chest like she always did, leaning onto her knees for a second. “No, her and Logan went out for a second.” She huffed for another second before letting out a laugh. “Do you always make an entrance like that? You scared me a little bit.”

Anders wasn’t sure what to do, but he tried not to panic. He’d literally never been alone with Rachel since the night they met, and he was exactly sure how to navigate it. Should he just leave? She seemed occupied…

“I’m really sorry. I’m just gonna go.. I’m sorry.”

“You can stay here and wait!” Rachel stopped him, shaking her green painted face. “They should be back soon.”

“I don’t want to interrupt your, uh…” Anders started, gesturing to the face mask. “Your afternoon.”

“Oh my gosh, you so aren’t!” She gushed, closing the fridge and leaning on the island opposite him. “You should stay! I don’t mind at all! This isn’t even my house!”

She chuckled, without a hint of discomfort, making Anders twist and stand on the sides of his feet. He’d look like an asshole if he left now. She really seemed like she meant it… But what if she was just being nice? Rachel was his friend, anyway. Shouldn’t he be able to stay and hang out? It wasn’t like she was a stranger.

As if reading his thoughts, Rachel doubled down. “I mean it. I haven’t seen you in a while, anyway. We can catch up!”

And so they ended up on the couch, Rachel leaning forward with a massive pillow (Logan’s handiwork, obviously) in her lap. She talked for a bit about work and her parents (who, in a really weird way, seemed a lot like his parents, though he never told her that), and the movie she watched the night before. Eventually there was a pause in the conversation, which Anders couldn’t allow to go on for more than a second before he wanted to crawl out of his skin. He stood up a bit hastily, holding his arms stiffly arms his side.

“Do you mind if I play a game?” He asked, fully aware of the fact that he sounded like a fucking 13 year old. “Like a video game, I mean.”

Rachel pursed her lips. “Of course not.” She said, slumping a bit into the couch. “Can I play with you?”

“Oh, uh….” Anders panicked for a second, sincerely taken aback. “Yeah. For sure.”

Rachel called her hands and sat uo straighter, taking a controller from Anders outstretched hand. She was a surprisingly fast learner, catching on to all the different moves and attacks pretty quickly. Once she’d gotten the hang of it they just sat quietly together, Rachel’s soft face furrowed in stone cold concentration. Anders glanced over at her, trying to gauge whether or not she was miserable, to find that hilarious look on her face.

“What’s on your face, anyway?” He asked her, eyes moving back to the TV. “You look like a fuckin’ cucumber.”

Rachel snorted loudly, her focus on the screen faltering for just a second. “It’s a face mask.” She said simply, the paste around her mouth cracking slightly from her smiling so much. She gasped suddenly, pausing the game and turning to face him. “You should do one! Oh my gosh, you’d love it! You have to!”

Anders chuckled, anxiously fisting the controller in his hands. “Nah, I’m good.” He smiled, “Thanks, though.”

“You really should!” Rachel pressed, setting her controller onto the coffee table she had her feet propped up on. “You’d love it! It’s soooo relaxing!”

Anders blinked at her for a second, moving his lips to say no when out of his mouth came the opposite.

“Yeah, okay.” He agreed, unable to say no to her. “Slap it on me, baby.”

She took no time to drag him to the bathroom upstairs, washing her own mask off before instructing Anders to wash his face. There was something weirdly intimate about being in the bathroom together, not in a sexual way, but just in a…. Good friends kind of way. There was a tingly kind of feeling between them like Anders always got when he felt genuinely safe around someone.

Rachel stood on her toes so she was eye to eye with Anders (she was tall as fuck, so they were nearly the same height as it was), using a brush to paint the ice cold putty on his face. She shoved a fuzzy, thick headband onto his head to hold his hair back, saying it was “part of the experience”.

(Logan and Y/N had a tiny refrigerator in their bathroom for their skin care products for whatever fucking reason. Anders couldn’t even begin to describe his disappointment the first time he’d been over and found that the mini-fridge did not, in fact, have any snacks inside).

“I’m gonna be honest with you, Rachel. I hate this.” Anders giggled, only half meaning it. Rachel shushed him quietly, continuing to apply the mask.

“Give it a second.” She instructed, her voice assured and unwavering. She always sounded so sure of herself, it was honestly kind of annoying. “You need to relax. You’re scrunching up your nose.”

“I can’t help it!” He defended through a giggle, squeezing his eyes shut as Rachel painted another long stripe down his cheek. “It tickles.”

“You’re being a baby.” She teased so gently it felt like a compliment. “You’re gonna thank me later when you look two years younger.”

“Is that a guarantee?”

“So it says in the box, at least.”

Anders forced himself to hold still long enough for Rachel to finish, only snickering here and there. Rachel, when she was done, put some gooey looking patches under her eyes, saying something about how they were supposed to “wake up her face” and make her eyes “brighter”. Anders listened attentively, though most of it went over his head. He nodded enthusiastically when Rachel pointed out all of the ingredients he couldn’t have repeated the names of.

They went back down stairs, both in their respective face masks and matching headbands, picking up their game where they had left off. By now Anders felt like he was playing with any other buddy, like Matt back home. Rachel was gaining XP faster than him somehow, which Anders chose to find funny instead of annoying.

“Get that motherfucker!” Anders shouted, mashing his finger against the button as he tried to fight off the monster attacking him. Rachel ran over to him on the screen, sticking her tongue out as she swung and kicked and tried to kill the thing before it killed Anders.

“He’s too strong!” Rachel screeched, chest heaving as she tried her best to defend him. “I can’t get him!”

“Yeah, cause you’re shit at this game.” Anders teased, giggling to himself. “Use you’re fuckin’ other sword.”

“I can’t!”

“Fucking why not?”

“I don’t know!”

While Anders continued yelling and Rachel kept on yelping out panicked responses, she finally managed to kill the thing. She threw her controller down triumphantly, looking eagerly over at Anders.

“Take that!” She yelled, raising her hands in fist over her head. “Take that!”

“Yeah, take that, fucker!” Anders joined in, moving on to the next monster. “You tell ‘em, Rachel.”

Rachel picked her controller back up, following Anders to the next part of the dungeon. A skeleton popped out from a trunk on the left, which Rachel promptly took out in one hit. Anders let out an impressed hum, earning a proud smile from Rachel.

“Take that, fucker!!” She yelled, making Anders abs herself both nearly choke laughing. Anders pinched his eyes shut, opening them a second later to find Logan abs Y/N just behind them with twinning dumbfounded expressions. Anders froze, Rachel following his gaze a second later, the four of them sitting in stunned silence for a second.

“Whatcha doing?” Y/N asked, eyes shifting between the two of them.

“Playing Diablo.” Rachel squeaked back, head barely popping up over the edge of the couch. There was another bewildered pause before Logan finally spoke.

“Did you just call that guy a fucker?” She asked Rachel, her mouth straining to fight her smile. Y/N snorted out a laugh, unable to hold it back, which Rachel echoed a bit sheepishly.

“I got caught in the moment.” She laughed, shaking her head.

Y/N and Logan made themselves at home on the couch, Y/N taking over Anders’ remote while he washed off his face. He leaned into the mirror, actually kind of impressed by how soft his skin looked now. He hung the headband back up on its hook, attempting to make his hair look a little less fucked as he listened to the girls all screech and giggle and yell at the game they were no doubt sucking at right now. He smiled to himself a bit, taking in for a second how much healthier he looked lately. Much better than rehab, for sure. He felt a swell of pride in his chest which he quickly squashed, reminding himself that not being addicted to drugs was the bare fucking minimum for anyone else and not some kind of accomplishment. He still smiled at himself anyway, running his hands over his face and admiring the way it felt more alive than it had before. That same proud feeling bubbles it’s way up again, and as hard as he tried he couldn’t quell it this time. He really did feel proud of himself. It was uncomfortable and embarrassing, but it felt nice.

He couldn’t see why he didn’t let himself feel this way more often, actually.

///

AHHHHH SO ANYWAY there’s that! Rachel def has given anders all her best skin care recommendations since this happened, and he will only buy stuff for his skin after it’s been approved by her. Like imagine him standing in a Sephora wearing a pair of sunglasses and a hood trying to look inconspicuous texting pictures of moisturizers to her asking if he should get them HAHAHAH

They also def play diablo together and Anders only ever plays with her because everyone else sucks HAHAH

ALSO imagine them just randomly one day having a heart to heart about their parents HAHDJSH like Rachel comes home from having lunch with them and she’s all huffy puffy and Anders is just sitting there awkwardly like 🧍‍♂️ and just listens to her vent and he doesn’t know what to say but they eventually start talking about their lives and how similar they were yet so different GSJDHWKAK awwwww I love them!!!!!!!

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

i have so many theories!!! theyre all screaming at me!!! i must write out them all!!!!! 

so here’s one that’s been knocking around my head since finals week began:

the Writing 3 Playlist on Spotify 

I think this bad boy is a hint at the game’s timeline

maybe not 100% explanatory, but I think we can guess certain parts of the game through this

and i just wanna tell y’all now, almost all of this is speculation, as honestly im 90% sure the playlist was created bc it had borderlands-y songs in it (although the last few have me scratching my head)

lemme explain why im writing this, though I’m very thirsty for lore

tl;dr: game goes like this: lilith powers stolen. go to promethea, go to jungle, find brick mordy and tina, get into a fight, lose fight, go find other VHs, get into another fight, Krieg shows up to save Maya, maya die. (oh no she ded), the twins have their we are GODS moment, the VHs get summoned to the Eridian homeworld, there’s a huge ass final battle, someone attempts to create an end-of-the-world scenario

so the playlist itself was created to help one of the authors of the game get into their borderlands jam 

it starts with a Cage the Elephant song, “Trouble”, the band of which we all know wrote the first song used in BL1. Not really much else to say here, but we do know the opening cutscene of the game involves our current team of Vault Hunters being attacked by the Children of the Vault. this is, of course, not indicative of any songs used in bl3, but we can assume it captures the general feeling of the game.

Second song: “Fire” by Barns Courtney (holy shit I love this guy so fucking much!! if you’ve never listened to his music, PLEASE do so! I really recommend “Rather Die”- I am in the process of making a bl3 animatic to it actually lmao). 

So anyway, I’m just sayin’, the lyrics of this song...

“Oh, a thousand faces staring at me Thousand times I've fallen Thousand voices dead at my feet Now I'm gone... And my mother told me son let it be Sold my soul to the calling Sold my soul to a sweet melody Now I'm gone... Oh gimme that fire ...”

Honestly, I would not be surprised if this song was about Lilith’s loss of her powers. I mean, she used to call herself the Firehawk because she burned the shit outta bandits. c’monnn.

The man, the myth, the legend himself even says that "[The song is] quite defiant as well, like this cannot be how it ends, it cannot be my situation."

Mooooving on

“Majesty” by Apashe and Wasiu

holy fuck i love this song so much. and its so very obviously about the Calypso Twins- at the very least its Tyreen.

“All the stars and galaxies address me as your majesty So better say your majesty, I might react erratically Throw you in a fire, purify you I'm the sire, my empire's on the rise You better find yourself a place to hide Your place to find, but say it twice My name divine, I'm aimin' high Don't look in my face or eyes Take a bow and save your life Glory to the emperor, my temperature is risin' Always hot, it's getting violent”

I mean come on if its not when we meet the twins for the first time after they steal lily’s powers, then its definitely when they do something absolutely badass and really show us why they’re revered as gods. Possibly related to the Holy Broadcasting Center?

“The Way I Do” by Bishopp Briggs 

this one honestly had got me stumped as to its purpose, i lowkey kinda think its getting Sanctuary 3 up and running (and possibly meeting Maya for the first time- still not sure about that). I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a whole thing for Scooter and this song fits pretty well. I imagine we also meet Vaughn and the Children at some point, so maybe here?

“Greeting the Menace” by Zack Hemsey 

yeah i uhhhh dunno. This sounds like a song about a dude getting tortured which scares me a bit lmao. 

I thought maybe this song and the next 2 could be VH-based songs, as the next 2 have no lyrics whatsoever and the third is called “Best Friends”, but who knows... If this is the case I could make the argument this is about Zane or Moze, leaning towards Zane cuz he’s pretty covered up, plus I think “Best Friends” would be more Moze’s style lmao

I could also see this being a song about Troy... could explain all the ‘body mods’ and the missing arm.

“ProtoVision” by Kavinsky

If we’re going with the idea that these next few songs are about the Vault Hunters, then I imagine this would be Fl4k’s. It’s got that synth and some guitar which I think fits perfectly with his robo-hobo aesthetic lol

Other than that, I truly have no idea what part of the story this song could reference since there aren’t any lyrics. Maybe Promethea’s city? I could kinda see it, it sounds pretty high-tech

Similarly, “diatribe.” by Oliver Michael

the beginning gives me a whole meditation vibe which I kinda associate with Amara and her phasecast skill which “sends out an astral projection” of herself. 

Then again, this could be the outskirts of the Promethean city... I could see myself wandering around the huge ass foliage and discovering an abandoned research base to this song idk

“Best Friends” by grandson

aaahh i love grandson. I think this could be a Moze-based song. I just get that vibe from her leather jacket... anyway

I also could totally see this as discovering Brick, Mordecai, and Tina in the research base (if that truly is where they are). Cause we saw them in the trailer hanging out there. 

tbh the lyrics themselves kinda remind me of pre-Tales Rhys and Fiona and all their friends

“All of my best friends Like to go and get fucked up Then they talk about all the lives they never got to live Oh, they're still waiting for some sort of invitation It's never coming along, oh no, you'll get just what you give”

but idk if that’s what its meant for

“Bap U” by Party Favor

hmm another ‘lyricless’ song. not really lyric-less but uhhh the lyrics are pretty nonsensical lol

I could see there being a fight scene with Brick Tina and Mordy as AIs helping out here, maybe exploring the abandoned research base?

“Not Human” by elegant slims 

oh you know what im going to say here hahaha

monster troy p l e a s e

i wouldn’t be surprised if Tyreen started accumulating more powers here, like perhaps the previous fight scene was over the Vault on Promethea and the twins were able to access it before us? and Tyreen gives the Vault Monster the succ

“Crack in the seams You're breaking through The animal inside of you You're not human anymore... Your eyes go black electric blue The animal inside of you Life on a string Watch it swing Hide your teeth”

and one (or both) of the twins start going feral lol

“Way Down We Go” by KALEO

one (1) fear and that’s that someone dies during the scene that corresponds to this song

hopefully its just the boys being depressed over a loss instead of a victory, but oof

anyway, you know what they say: “sometimes you gotta fall before you make it big” ;) thats a typhon deleon quote

“I’m a Wanted Man” by Royal Deluxe

I want to believe these next few songs are us recruiting the rest of the Vault Hunters not seen yet

I kinda associate this one with Axton since his whole History with DAHL, but who knows! It could be Gaige, too. or Maya since she looks like she’s being incredibly gay criminal on the Maliwan Monastery planet. Maybe both Axton and Gaige? I would love that

“The Devil You Know” by X Ambassadors 

Could also be Axton! I lowkey think its Salvador or Timothy Lawrence. The reason I think its Timothy is cuz the whole song gives me huge Handsome Jack vibes, but it could also be Sal cuz I totally imagine him becoming a bounty hunter to fund his gun addiction lmao

“00000 Million” by Ella Vos

this one also gives off Maya vibes imo. I wouldn’t be surprised if this one is about her and the introduction of Little Blue. I could also see Athena and Janey here, just living their lives out in a cottage somewhere. awww

“Jungle” by Tash Sultana

Ahh a love song [pukes] Hopefully this one is about Athena and Janey, cuz there is a depressing lack of both of them in all the trailers we’ve seen! It sounds lowkey sad, though. I hope nothing happened to them D:

“Don’t Wait Up” by Dustbowl Revival

this one gives me very big Fiona and Sasha vibes. 

Of course, there’s also the fact that the song is about a dad, and we still don’t know who the heck “the Father” is on all those Calypsos posters. We also dunno who in the heck “Mother” is, either. Sounds like Father left the cult, though, oof, and Mother stuck around. Wonder what that’s all about, maybe he felt like the twins were working fast/efficient enough and left to do things himself? Very lost on this idea tbh. the song seems very out of place, but it has to connect to something, yknow?

“Dies Irae” by Apashe and Black Prez

For those of you who don’t speak fluent Latin (the fuck guys?? lmao jk), the title means "Day of Wrath". Nice, nice, nice. 

the lyrics, you might be asking:

“'Cause I'ma beast. Where you at? I've been unleashed. Whatchu doin'? Sink my teeth. Y'all can't fathom I'ma beast”

me: [vibrating in my seat] monster twins monster twins monster twins monster twins

at the very least this is definitely a fight scene here. Probably with the twins again (hopefully). Maybe they found some way to imbue the cultists with fucked up powers and are sending them against the VHs as giant demon things and as we fight through the temple (apparently with some Guardians) we realize the final one is Troy and/or Tyreen?

I like to imagine this is where Maya gets her powers stolen, if only because the next few songs... I think she’s around because she’s now the only person with Siren powers on the side of the Crimson Raiders, so they might need her help with the Vault in some way

“RAMPAGE” by GRAVEDGR

y’all wonder why I seemingly forgot about Krieg in the above songs? Well, this is why. 

The only lyric for this entire song is “Bitch, I'm on a rampage- mask on my damn face”

I mean come on, Krieg with his psycho mask on, the fact his action skill is literally called “Buzz Axe Rampage”, the fact he loves Maya as shown in his introductory trailer... it’d be so perfect. And I bet badass psycho Krieg would be the only thing able to beat back whatever’s attacking at the moment. I’m just imagining him smashing down a wall and going apeshit

“Black Out Days” by Phantograms

Another song I think is about Krieg and Maya. I don’t think Maya does too hot in this game, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she gets the Roland treatment if you know what I’m saying. I wonder if this causes Krieg to devolve back into insanity cause the whole song seems to focus around that. I hope not D:

“Hide the sun I will leave your face out of my mind You should save your eyes A thousand voices howling in my head Speak in tongues I don't even recognize your face Mirror on the wall Tell me all the ways to stay away”

To be honest I could also see it being that Maya gets her powers stolen and thoughtlock-ed by the twins to fight on their side (as she’s seen fighting with the big demon elemental things), and maybe we have to kill her or hurt her in some way to get her to stop attacking us. God I hope not.

Let’s hope this is someway about the twins and definitely not about our favorite Siren and/or Psycho

“The Finishing” by Stavroz

oof i think somebody dies... If its not Maya, my best guess is Krieg or Lilith. Maybe Mordecai or Brick? Oh I hope not, I love both of them way too much for it to be healthy. But, hey, at least Tina learned some coping mechanisms :(

“Intro” and “Apocalypse Please” by Muse

merged these into 1 because Intro is like 15 seconds long and is literally the introduction to Apocalypse Please. 

Definitely reaching the end of the game here... 

“And it's time we saw a miracle Come on, it's time for something biblical To pull us through And pull us through And this is the end This is the end Of the world Proclaim eternal victory Come on and change the cause of history And pull us through”

I think the twins (or whoever may have become the main villain- perhaps the Eridians?) have claimed victory/gotten the ultimate power in one way or another, and/or this is the Crimson Raiders getting themselves ready for a final stand-off with the big bad evil guy. 

I would really love if there’s a scene right at the end of this where the Twins have their huge “BOW TO ME” moment and then they just get COMPLETELY obliterated by a new villain. Just absolutely decimated.

New villain, like if they opened a Vault and whatever was being imprisoned there just wipes the floor with them (something like the Destroyer, if not the Destroyer itself), or fuck shit maybe even Tannis? or the Eridians looking for help in the war. or the Eridians bringing war. Who knows!

Again, could just be the Twins having gotten their hands on the end-game material, like realizing they can turn troy into big demon fuck (no i am not letting this one go) and we are kinda fucked now.

“Free Animal” by Foreign Air

I... have no idea lol

maybe Krieg getting rescued, maybe (one of?) the twins getting recruited by the Raiders for the final fight? It could fit into the ��Beast’ imagery. Fuck, maybe even rescuing/finding Typhon or something? Idk, im kinda in the party that Typhon is going to be coming back some way or another lol, I’d love to meet the guy

“Dreams” by ZHU and Nero

This definitely sounds like a new BBEG has just been introduced or the big bads just entered the final phase of their plan, like the Crimson Raiders just learned about something life-changing and this is their “oh shit” moment

i wanna believe that the Eridians or another alien race (like the Seraphs!) are going to come in at the ‘end’ of the game and the Watcher is gonna be like “bitch did you really think I thought these dumbass ECHOnet streamers were the epitome of War??” I imagine we’d be on the side of the Eridians here, since y’know, the Watcher came to us for help.

Of course, the twins could still be the BBEG and have gotten their hands on that universe-destroying power that was described on the website (”to recover a map to ancient Vaults and prevent a universe-destroying power from falling into the wrong hands”) so maybe the Eridians called us in in order to meet and get help against the COV?

“Beyond the Fray” by Cassandra Violet

personally i think this one is about the Eridian homeworld

“I'll mark the day When we can meet beyond the fray Don't lose the will to see your home You find the way so we can meet beyond the fray I'll fight to see that you get home Consider this small clue Look beyond your point of view Make a space for honesty hide“

Wouldn’t even be surprised if someone made a sacrifice so we could get there... I imagine its hidden somewhere in the alternate dimension or wherever the Vaults lead to so it couldn’t be found, so maybe Lilith’s got her powers back at this point and she sacrifices herself to send us there?

idk...

“Outside the Realm” by Big Giant Circles

ah yes, another reason I think the end of the game involves the Eridian homeworld in some way. Have you heard this?? huge “we just stumbled upon a long-lost-alien-planet” vibe. I love it. Maybe even just a shot of Sanctuary III slowly gliding over the giant planet, having just exited phasewalk. God yes

“Battle Royale” by Apashe

another reason i think the final fight is some giant battlefield/wave fight instead of just against 1 or 2 enemies. not to mention the fact that the VH skills we’ve seen so far are crowd control based instead of raid boss focused. 

Its likely the VHs against the Cult of the Vault, but if we defeat the Twins halfway through the game, then the Cult will dissolve on its own. Either way, I really really really really really want a huge fight against an army. I don’t care if its against the Children of the Vault, the Eridians/some Guardians, or if its against the Seraphs or a new set of aliens we’re gonna get (maybe whatever the Destroyer was/is?). idk idc i just want a huge battle. I imagine we’re on the Eridians’ side, as I said above, but who knows, maybe the Watcher went rogue. 

oh and also, the next song:

“Doomsday” by NERO

oh hey, I recognize this song, it’s giving me major BL2 flashbacks lmao

Also the last song in the playlist, which is giving me the big fear (tm)

I imagine that we wouldn’t have been brought to the Eridian homeworld if it wasn’t kind of a huge deal, and what’s more of a huge deal than the end of the universe?!

that’s what i’d call doomsday, anyway.

could be the reason the Eridians are coming out of hiding after all this time. Either to stop our dumb human asses from opening the Vaults, or to get help against these alien fucks because our dumb human asses keep destroying their first line of defense- the Vault Monsters.

If the twins actually DO remain the main villains throughout the whole game, then I imagine this is them prepping to destroy the universe

but maaaan i really want some aliens... maybe the universe destroying power IS the aliens? aw hell yeah

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[phoebus-de-chateaupers-blog]

Horsenapped [Part Two] *** [Ghostbusters feat. Saddle Club]

In which Merida and Phoebus enact their plan...[takes place: January 15]

@heart-of-dunbroch, @trip-downtheriverstyx, @labellerose-acheron

[tw -- so many things. violence, kidnapping, gore, lots of talk and thoughts of murder, self-harm, just anything you would expect from a kidnapping okay it’s a lot. if you want a synopsis hmu bc phoebus is Truly Awful]

PHOEBUS:

The night had finally come.

And none too soon. Phoebus knew that the sheriff was getting suspicious, his plans derailed by the lunatic woman in the back of his car, who was glaring consistent daggers any time he looked in the rearview mirror. This town was too small to move the way he wanted or needed to. However, he knew they would all be thanking their unsung hero when Phoebus vanished after putting a bullet into Hades’ temple.

It was a good thing too for this town was too haunted. Even now, he could feel Clemens’ ghost closer than ever, breathing down his neck. If he closed his eyes, he could picture the same cold expression on Belle’s face on Clemens’. If he blinked too long, they shifted--one to the other, his victims. His collateral damage, for yes, Phoebus knew that Belle would die by the end of this too. That was his secret, his burden to bare.

Whatever was inside of her was stronger than some succubus. Was stronger than some lower tier demon. She may just be a poor Mundus woman that had been seduced and tricked, but there was no way to keep her alive--and the baby could not be born. It would be too dangerous. Sure, they would try the exorcism, but Phoebus knew that it wouldn’t work. The thing growing inside of Belle was evil in the purest sense, just as a babe was good in the purest sense.

The whole family needed to be extinguished, snuffed out like a candle. Their bodies buried in the Catholic cemetery so that they could not rise again. (This only worked on demons, for the record. Anything else in a Catholic cemetery could very much rise again.)

“Get her inside,” Phoebus instructed Merida, even if he didn’t need to. She was doing a very good job. And of course she was--he would not have included her if he did not trust her implicitly. If he did not think she was up for the job. (He had tried to recruit Phillip but the worthless boy hadn’t answered his phone. No matter, Merida was worth ten of him.)

The old wooden doors creaked, but opened easily. It was not locked, Phoebus knew that it would not be. There were a few votive candles flickering in their containers, but besides that nothing moved. Moonlight spilled through the stained glass, but otherwise it was dark. The shadows did not stir here, however. There would be no ghosts.

“Seat her in the pew,” Phoebus told Merida, gesturing to the last row, right in front of the altar. Phoebus moved towards it, striking a match laying near one of the candelabras and lighting it. The flames jumped to life, casting a golden glow over Belle--though she still looked white as a sheet, sweat beading on her brow. He had not realized quite how sick she was. Perhaps that would work out well for him. She’d never survive the exorcism in this state.

Collateral damage indeed.

“I really am very sorry about all this,” Phoebus cooed at her, taking a few steps closer.

Belle’s eyes flashed. “Stay away from me.” She wiggled her shoulders, even though it was very clearly a feeble attempt to get away.

“Do you have your phone, love?” Phoebus reached forward to tuck some of her hair behind her ear, but Belle jerked her head away. He let his hand drop with a little frown. “I fancy a chat with your demon husband. Merida, check her pockets.”

MERIDA: Merida tasted bile, seeing Phoebus touch Belle like that. The urge to grab his wrist and twist it-- knee him in the groin just to watch him whine like the pig he was-- nearly overwhelmed her. She clenched both fists and bit down hard on a growl that threatened to come outta nowhere--

She imagined her fangs ripping out his throat.

It scared her. Scared her enough that Merida didn’t step forward or mouth off at all, but she stepped back, swallowing the growl roughly as the world tilted around her for a moment.

She’d not felt… for so long, there had been nothing but fog. The fog only lifted in her dreams, and so she had believed the curse was contained there and in a longing she’d never answer. But here it was, a second from ripping through her skin. Merida breathed in. She still had her knife. She could press the tip of it into her wrist, just enough to draw blood and silence the howling.

But she didn’t want to draw Phoebus’s eye or his suspicion. She’d been dead lucky so far that she’d managed to evade his scrutinization and she knew it was only because he was obsessed with this mission instead.

So Merida breathed and let Phoebus get away with his behavior, even if she wanted to bite off his hand too.

She swallowed again, took another second, and then moved forward, keeping her eyes off Phoebus as she dug through Belle’s pockets. She didn’t look Belle in the face either. There’d be no point. She already had Belle’s hatred slashed into her, a different kind of knife.

She got out the phone and handed it to Phoebus. “She won’t call ‘im,” she informed him, knowin’ enough about Belle to know that. He might as well not waste his time.

(And she didn’t want to see him-- touch her. Taunt her. Hit her. Merida had meant what she said when she pledged herself to protect Belle. That loyalty churned through her, nearly as powerful as the urge to maul Phoebus in front of them both.)

PHOEBUS: “She’s right,” Belle threatened, lifting her chin. Her eyes flashed, glinting like a flash of lightning.

It was admirable that she looked so brave. None of her bravery mattered, however. It didn’t stir Phoebus’ heart. He cared for nothing except the fact that Clemens was far from this place. That his ghosts could not enter here. Neither could Hades’. It was blissfully, peacefully quiet. He could pause properly for the first time in days. Everything was falling right into place. The only possible contingency was—Hades not coming. Hades, the ever-practical, heartless demon, not coming for his little Mundus wife. The theory as to why he would? If not for her, for the demonspawn. Whatever he was cooking in Belle’s womb meant something to him. The evil there he had spent all this time tending to.

“Good thing I wasn’t asking you to,” Phoebus told Belle with a saccharine smile.

“Passcode?”

“Why should I tell you?”

“Because otherwise I’ll have Merida cut off one of your pretty little thumbs to use to open it. And it would really be a shame to rob a mother of one of her thumbs.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Zero five zero six,” Belle finally said.

Phoebus typed in the code and opened her contacts. Hades was right there at the top. He pressed his name, holding the phone up to his ear and rocking back on his heels slightly. It rang and rang and rang and rang.

Voicemail.

Phoebus scowled and hung it up before redialing.

Voicemail.

“What kind of man doesn’t answer his phone when his wife calls three times?” he hissed in annoyance, shooting a glare at Belle as if this was her fault.

“A demon,” Belle said plainly, but as Phoebus turned to look at her, there was a twinkle in her eye.

“Bitch,” Phoebus snarled back. His gaze snapped to Merida. “Let’s get your knife on that pretty neck again. I’m no photographer, but the glint of light off the blade against that pale skin? The contrast will make for a beautiful picture.” He held up the phone to get a better shot, waiting for Merida to do as she was told, his gaze drilling into her until she moved so he could make sure nothing that would identify Merida was in the frame. He smiled again, feeling giddy and light.

So close. A year of work. So close.

“Smile.”

Click. Went the camera shutter.

“Perfect, thank you, ladies,” Phoebus complimented them both as he opened Hades’ contact once again and sent the picture, along with a text: You have twenty minutes.

Then, he ambled towards the pew and sat down next to Belle, heavy enough to shake the bench and make Belle wince. “You want to take bets on if he shows or not?” He tilted his head a little, close enough that his breath stirred strands of Belle’s hair. Close enough to see the sweat in her hairline, the blue veins along her cheek. She really was tragically beautiful, wasn’t she? If only Phoebus had gotten to her before that demon.

She didn’t look at him. This time, she didn’t even flinch at his proximity.

Phoebus turned his head to look up at Merida, giving her a broader, more genuine smile—manic, some might call it, but Phoebus would just say: triumphant.

MERIDA: Merida still clutched the knife in her hand.

She clutched it as though it were a long, black claw extending from her knuckle. Her eyes drank in the sight of Phoebus’s jugular. A voice inside her, animal and wordless but a voice nonetheless, told Merida that if Phoebus touched Belle again, she would slice her claw across that throbbing artery and paint the pews with his blood.

Her gut told her there were things he was not telling her, there were lies her mentor had weaved thinking her a simple woman, not realizing that Merida had become something else-- and she could smell his lies like she could smell the sweat on the back of Belle’s neck.

HADES: Across town, Hades’ phone buzzed again and again. He ignored it with great difficulty--mostly because this meeting had gone on too long and he was bored out of his brain.

On the third ring, though, he began to worry. It was a scratch-scratch-scratch in the back of his brain.

It buzzed again and under the table, Hades slipped it from his pocket and turned it over. Belle’s name lit up the screen. A text.

He opened it quietly there at the table, then calmly turned off the screen, and pocketed the phone again.

“I have to go,” said Hades abruptly. He smiled at the board members and said as his explanation, with a small shrug of his shoulders. “Pregnant wife.”

He gathered his things and walked out the door. As soon as it was shut behind him, Hades broke into a run, and halfway down the hall, vanished into shadow.

MERIDA: “So nice of you to text the address!”

Hades’ voice rang through the cathedral in ominous echo and Merida whirled round to see him there at the end of the long aisle, door open from where he’d stepped in. It had been only six, seven minutes since Phoebus sent the text. A nothing amount of time if you asked Merida, and so the sight of him kicked up her adrenaline and she clenched her knife.

The wolf laid back down to make room for her instead-- warrior, knight-- a girl who knew supernatural when she saw it, let alone sniffed it.

Hades strolled down the aisle. “You’ll move away from her now, the two of you. I’m not your average demon.” He lifted his hand and the flame licked the air. “My powers work just fine here.”

PHOEBUS: It was very hard to get your hands on a gun in England, as it should be—according to Phoebus and the rest of the Order. Guns were messy, new-fangled things. Swords were cleaner, more holy. They had ancient rites written into them. However, sometimes, guns very much came in handy—according to Phoebus and not the rest of the Order.

A bullet could incapacitate a demon far better than a sword, enough that an exorcism could be performed on the prone body before it had time to re-awaken. A bullet could make a demon think twice about attacking.

It was very hard to get your hands on a gun in England, but if you were a police officer, with access to the gun safe—it was very easy.

Phoebus had not expected Hades so quickly. He had thought that he would skid into the cathedral at the last moment, making for a lovely dramatic entrance—if he deigned to show up at all. If he didn’t, well, it would be back to the drawing board. But Hades manipulation (devotion?) to Belle was one of the things that made this case so strange. Phoebus had never seen an incubus or demon act that way towards the object of its manipulation. And he had seen this story play out time and time again.

Which was why he’d decided on the cathedral. Everyone knew that demons’ powers did not work on holy ground.

So, when the little blue flame jumped into being—Phoebus’ eyes went wide, but they narrowed just as quickly. An unforeseen hurdle, but no less. Hades had come for Belle, which meant she or the baby meant something to him. And that was all the assurance that Phoebus needed. Now he knew that Hades was not completely powerless too. If he was a demon, he was a very stupid one. He could’ve hid that fire until the perfect moment.

Phoebus was not going to let him get that chance.

Roughly, he grabbed Belle by the bicep and dragged her up out of the pew. She stumbled, but Phoebus’ grip on her arm was strong enough to keep her upright. He pressed her flush against his own chest. His other hand twisted behind his back to the gun, which he pulled from its hiding place and pushed against Belle’s temple in one swift motion.

“Would you like to test them against my reflexes?” Phoebus snarled. “Now, play nice and perhaps we will consider letting your little pawn go.”

HADES: His eyes flicked, once, to the shadows on the ground. Then up again, his flame still flickering in his hand. Otherwise he was stone still and silent as his brain churned. It ran quickly through all the scenarios--

He could grab Merida. Hostage for hostage.

He could try to shadow-jump and end up behind Phoebus.

He could burn the fucking cathedral to the ground.

None of these options guaranteed Belle’s safety. It took a twitch of the finger and the gun would go off and Hades didn’t know if he could bank on Phoebus not being a complete monster and shooting a pregnant woman-- considering he’d already kidnapped her and had a gun loaded to her head. She’d be dead in a second, their daughter dead several minutes after. He could not enter Limbo; he knew there was no Limbo here.

Surrender was option four, one Hades rarely entertained, but this time it floated so easily to the top of the list.

And Hades got-- calm. The blue flame flickered again, but grew low, its eerie light drawing itself back…

Merida, however, wasn’t so calm.

“Oi! What the fuck are you doing?” she hissed at Phoebus. “He’s here, isn’t he? It worked, he came, let Belle go!”

His fire jumped back to life. Hades raised his eyebrows. “Trouble in the ranks, Officer? Did your lackey not read your memo?”

“You shut it!” Merida snarled.

PHOEBUS: Phoebus could taste the victory on his tongue.

How the Order would praise him. Taking out two demons at once? It was almost unheard of more or less on one’s own. (Merida half-counted, she was but a Knight and a woman besides. Everyone would know that this was Phoebus’ triumph.) Most demons took a group to kill, if there was more than one, and only experienced demon hunters managed without assistance to take down one demon by themselves. Though, of course, one of those demons was enwomb and there would be the death of a Mundus on his hands, but if he could take down whatever the fuck Hades was? (Clearly a level four, at least, perhaps a five—Phoebus had no idea if ‘opening the Gates of the Hell’ was even quantifiable.) The Order would sing his praises.

It was the perfect hunt to round the year off with (even if a few weeks late), just in time for the Tourney to choose the new king. Phoebus the Demon Slayer would not entertain much opposition.

And what was more—if he won King, perhaps Clemens’ ghost would be put to rest, since his death would not have been in vain.

Phoebus could see all of this right in front of him as he watched Hades’ flame diminish. He could see in the demon’s eyes that he was calculating, and he knew that it was hopeless. If he wanted to save his little wife—or his demonspawn—the only way to do so would be surrender.

His eagerness was so tangible, he almost felt trigger happy with it. He just needed Hades to take a few steps forward, right into range—so that he would not miss. Phoebus could already see the finish line, see passed it to the Tourney and his victory there as well. Could see himself being crowned King, Duchess his Queen. (Even if it was really his father would be crowned, Phoebus’ delusions of grandeur did not stop at murdering Belle. No, they ran far deeper. A father was not so different from a cousin, after all.)

Belle trembled against him, her hand squeezing pathetically weak at the wrist wrapped around her shoulders. “Hades,” she whimpered—sounding scared for the first time.

The demon’s name was hidden beneath Merida’s growl. Phoebus snapped his head towards the girl, his lips turned immediately into a scowl as from the corner of his eye, he saw Hades’ flame jump higher, banishing the finish line to the shadows, the demon’s hope restored.

“He hasn’t surrendered yet, you idiot girl,” Phoebus snarled at Merida.

As quickly as he glanced at her, he looked back at Hades—making sure the demon hadn’t taken another step on his watch. “So, surrender, and we’ll let her go.”

“Hades, d-don’t listen. He’s lying,” Belle said, her voice cracking, but it was stronger than he suspected, since he could feel her shaking.

“Shut up,” Phoebus hissed, lowering his head to press his cheek to the top of her head, the muzzle of the gun still flush with her hair. “Not another word.”

HADES: Of course the man was lying. Villains always did-- Hades should know. He was one.

But he didn’t have any bargaining chips of his own. Phoebus had cornered him. Phoebus had outsmarted him. There was no point trying to deny it, though to Hades’ meager credit it was Merida in the end who had outwitted Hades-- Merida who was a plant and a spy, her duality more clever than he would have ever thought of such a girl, who had a rough, loud laugh and the kind of straightforward nature he’d never expect to be a cover for this. Phoebus had failed, in the meantime, to stay hidden.

It was Merida who fooled them. And Merida now who might be the wild card and Hades’ only chance.

His eyes once again darted from Phoebus and Belle to Merida, the girl looking surprised-- unhinged. Something was going on under the surface between Merida and Phoebus, a slip in floorboard, a knot Phoebus, himself, did not see.

“I’ll surrender when you stop putting that gun to my wife’s head. Because if you’re going to murder her anyway I might as well set the both of you on fire now. Belle can take a little heat,” he said.

Merida’s eyes widened at that. Ah yes, she cared about Belle. Or the baby-- either way, she wasn’t entirely heartless.

Hades smirked. “Hand her over to your personal assistant to hold onto and I’ll come to you, hands up, no magic.”

And then you can shoot me, Hades thought, as he eyed that gun.

Or you can try.

PHOEBUS: Now, Phoebus didn’t know if Hades’ threat was real or not, but to him—he’d be willing to take the chance. Hades had come all this way, somehow arrived in record time, for his little wife. Phoebus would not put it past him to light her on fire, but he hadn’t yet. He cared. That was why he was still here. That was why his flame had flickered low and Phoebus had almost had him in his clutches just a moment ago.

It didn’t make any sense, but there was no time to wonder.

If anything, it just worked to his advantage.

His head tilted, lifting up off of the top of Belle’s, as if he was considering.

“And why should I trust you? If you’re so eager to set your wife ablaze, what is to say as soon as she’s out of my grasp, you don’t use your magic on me—uncaring if she gets hurt or not? Maybe I should just do away with her now and shoot you next. Plenty of bullets for that.”

HADES: “Then I definitely will set you on fire. You’ve seen me spontaneously combust an entire river before. Distance isn’t a challenge,” he taunted and glared, and he knew he would. If Belle dropped, the church would go up. It’d take a blink and the sound of his heart breaking. Broken hearts made excellent kindling.

“Enough!” Merida barked. Her wild eyes were darting back and forth between Phoebus and Hades. He noticed how knuckle-white she’d gone, gripping the knife.

Her eyes settled, though, on Phoebus-- not him.

“Stop usin’ a pregnant mundus woman as your hostage and puttin’ her unborn babe in danger! That’s disgraceful and you know it! Face him like a man-- fight him like a Prince!” she declared and pointed Hades’ way. “We never talked about ye puttin’ a damn gun ‘gainst Belle’s head!”

“Yeah Phoebus, c’mon mate. Let’s solve this like men. Which I guess means hitting things with big pointy sticks,” mocked Hades. He snuffed his fire but spread his arms.

He knew it made himself an even larger target. So did the mocking.

But even just as second with that gun on Hades, instead of Belle, earned him a second more than he had now.

And who knows? Fates have pity on him, maybe the shadows would take Hades before the bullet did.

PHOEBUS: At first, Phoebus glared at Hades. Blue to unearthly blue. His threat would not go unheeded. Phoebus knew that demons had no morals or honor and nothing he said could be trusted, but he also knew they had irresistible bloodlust and it would not be above him to set him aflame with a thought.

He had to recalculate. Phoebus has not planned on Hades having his magic. He was supposed to be near-incapacitated by the holy ground. He wasn’t. The bastard still had his pyrokinesis. Perhaps his telekinesis too. Phoebus couldn’t be too sure.

His hand adjusted its grip on the gun as he thought. Recalculated. It would be best to shoot Hades first. Belle could not defend herself. He could give her to Hades and shoot them both as they turned to leave.

And then, Merida snarled.

Phoebus’ gaze snapped towards her, his own face twisted in fury. The dumb bitch was making this ten times more difficult. Phoebus should’ve known that this would be the case. What he got for working with a woman to start. She had played house with Belle, had gotten her here, but he should’ve made her leave. He saw that now. Mistake after mistake. He was supposed to be cleaner than this. Better than thing.

Hades spoke again and Phoebus’ head whipped back towards him, though he was half-paying attention to Merida again.

“Shut up, the both of you. Or I swear on the Lord I’ll shoot her right now.” His head shook like a dog with water in his ears. “This girl is far from innocent, Merida. She carries an unholy, powerful spawn. It goes against God and all that is good. It’s not a baby, it’s a demon. Getting rid of them is what we planned. Now stop your whinging and help me kill the bastard. Or are your weak emotions going to take over? We don’t have time for a woman’s remorse. Princes do not have sympathy for women who lie with demons.” His hand knitted in Belle’s hair, yanking it back so that she cried out.

His attention snapped back to Hades. “Who would you rather go first? You or her?”

MERIDA: She carries an unholy, powerful spawn.

It’s not a baby, it’s a demon.

Getting rid of them is what we planned.

Phoebus had lied to her. With each one of his spitting words, he revealed those lies as a cold crept over Merida, a feeling she’d had before, a feeling, sometimes, she felt she had been born with. It came from looking someone face-to-face and watchin’ them let you down. Her father had let her down before in a manner quite similar. Her uncles, her cousins, her friends. Everywhere Merida looked for someone to believe in her, she only found liars and cowards.

And so it didn’t feel like a surprise. It felt inevitable. Phoebus had lied. He had never intended to try to save Belle at all, she saw it clear-- he’d shoot Belle in the head as soon as he could, then wipe his barrel clean and go have a beer. He thought that made him stronger than her.

It actually just made him stupid.

That wild, savage voice in her quieted then. It did not growl, it did not snarl or ask for Phoebus’s blood. It was Merida who was in complete control then, the same sort of control she had when she laced a bow and locked eyes on her target. It took a crack eye, a steady hand, and an instinct to know when to let the arrow go.

Merida laced her arrow now as she sucked her teeth like the annoyed, wild girl who showed up to Phoebus’s practices and mouthed off. She glared-- rolled her eyes-- scoffed. “I’m not weak,” she retorted and let Phoebus think he’d won her.

“Well then. If I really get a choice--” started Hades, drawing Phoebus’s eye back to him.

And that was the moment Merida released her arrow. She moved with the strength and speed of a wolf. Her hand grabbed the barrel of the gun and shoved it to the ceiling as the other twisted Phoebus’s wrist. It was enough to give Belle a second. 

“RUN!” she hollered at Belle.

BELLE: There was little Belle could hear over the sound of her heart beating, her blood rushing in her ears. Since he had arrived, she’d not taken her eyes off of Hades. He’d barely looked at her—and she knew why—but she’d drank him in, so close, yet so far. She wished he hadn’t come. She was so glad he was there.

For once, she didn’t know what to do—how to save them. Any of them (her, Hades, Opal.) The desperation clawed at her heart, but between the panic and the tourmaline and the adrenaline, she didn’t have thought in her head besides please. She didn’t know who she was asking. Some long-dead god? Some fate? Some destiny? This couldn’t be theirs, she thought. They had suffered too much for this.

And then, she thought, that she hoped Hades died first, if it came to it. She’d rather save him from the pain of losing his wife and daughter. At least she’d only lose him. Opal would survive longer than her, at least she could give her that.

It should make her calm, she supposed, but that was not how she felt. She felt like exactly what she was—trapped, helpless, useless, so stupid.

Belle wanted to live, she wanted to meet their daughter, she wanted Hades to meet their daughter. The idea that any of that wouldn’t come to pass froze her with fear, kept her perfectly still. The muzzle of the gun was cool against her head. She could smell whiskey on Phoebus, beneath the scent of his awful cologne.

And she could hear her heart beating fiercely in her ears. Not yet, not yet—it woosh-wooshed.

Something jerked—and for the sharpest flash of a second, Belle had thought the gun had gone off, she thought that she’d feel the impact and then—nothing.

“RUN!” was what she heard instead, the command like a bolt of lightning striking through her.

It was just enough to propel her forwards as her heart clenched in her chest. Her wild gaze searched for Hades, but the darkness of the Cathedral bled around her, the edges going fuzzy. She stumbled one, two steps, her legs like jelly, barely listening to her brain. She couldn’t breathe. Before she could stop herself, she was pitching forwards, heading right for the stone floor.

Behind her, the gun discharged, and stone rained down over them all like snow.

PHOEBUS: “NO!” bellowed Phoebus, just as Merida slammed into him. His hand clenched instinctively as he braced himself to throw her off. And normally—he would be able to throw her off. He had wrestled with Merida since she was a tot, and more so recently. He knew exactly how much strength she had. He had trained her himself.

This was not her normal amount of strength.

His eyes went wide as his body stumbled from the sudden impact and Merida peeled his arm off of Belle as if she was opening the lid of a can. Belle managed to slip from his grasp and Phoebus’ face twisted in anger.

The gun went off much on accident as Phoebus tried to jerk his hand back and away from Merida.

“What are you doing, you bitch?” he snarled, practically spitting in her face. “I’m not the enemy. You’re going to get us both killed!” His knee came up to her gut, his hand twisting out of her grip as she bent to the pain of the blow. He reached up and snagged the gun from his other hand, waving it wildly about, attempting to find Hades in the chaos.

MERIDA: Her own strength surprised her. Like thunder, it roared through her muscles and then exploded, Phoebus’s hand jerking up farther than she anticipated, his wrist in hers feeling strangely thin and fragile, reminding her more of the horsehair of her bow-- bendable, pliable-- than bone. Though she knew it would snap if she twisted just a touch more. And that surprised her too, knowing she could break his wrist. She could break a man’s wrist before-- but this-- this would be easy as breathing.

It surprised her and so did the gunshot. The echo of it rattled through her eardrums, much too close for her liking. It jolted the beast inside.

The beast didn’t like the sound of guns.

The smell of gunpowder made her face twist and her eyes glint.

She barely felt the blow to her stomach, just bent to it as bodies do. It was all instinct. Action, reaction. The gun tore from her hand. She heard the sound of something falling and knew it was probably Belle, Belle not safe, Belle one second away from a bullet put through the brain.

She got her foot between Phoebus’s and she tripped him. The two of them fell with a thud of their own. An animal snarl rose from her lips as she reached for his hand again, to pin the wrist, to squeeze with sheer force the gun from his hand--

Her other went to his neck. If she couldn’t get the gun, she knew who could.

The necklace’s chain snapped as easily as a wrist could.

HADES: Merida had whirled on the man and with her action, the tension in the cathedral had shattered. Its pieces went everywhere-- Merida onto Phoebus, the gun pointing at the ceiling, the bullet discharged somewhere into the walls, Belle stumbling like a blind woman away, and Hades going straight for her too.

She fell. Phoebus and Merida fell. Hades arrived a second too late to catch her but reached down for her anyway, hoisting her roughly to her feet. His hands went straight to her face, his palm smoothly over her tangled hair and pale skin. His eyes conducted a wild, but thorough search of her face for blooms of bruise or blood. But she was untouched, except for the damage of the tourmaline.

“We have to go,” he said to her. As much as he wanted to inspect the rest of her, to sit down and to hold her, there was no time.

And then the gun went off a second time, Hades’ flinch turning quickly into action as he twisted Belle around so she was behind him and shielded.

BELLE: Belle barely felt hitting the ground, her conscious flickering in and out for those few seconds—though instinct had her flinging her arms out to try to catch herself.

What she did feel, however, was a hand on her bicep, jerking her back to her feet with force. For a few moments, she thought it was Phoebus. He’d thrown Merida off and come for her again. And next, he was going to put a bullet through her temple. She lurched, trying to pull away on instinct, even if it meant crashing back down to the ground.

But then—a hand touched her face and she knew that hand. Blinking, she took in Hades’ features as they came into proper focus and she felt some part of her unclench. She wanted to fall into him.

Safe. Safe. She was safe. Opal was safe.

And then, the gun went off again—that semblance of safety ripped away as swiftly as it came. Hades pulled her towards him in a split second, before she could even register what had happened. She stumbled and tensed, her heart jumping right back into her throat.

The echo of the shot petered out and Belle looked up at Hades, her hand reaching for the collar of his shirt, searching his eyes—looking for any trace of pain. “Are you--?” was all she could think to say, the terror had her by the throat.

PHOEBUS: The bullet whizzed right passed the couple, shattering into a column nowhere near them. Only three bullets left. And now—there was no breath in his own lungs, the fall having knocked it out of him. Merida’s fingers brushed his throat and he thought in the confusion, that she was looking to strangle him.

It was much, much worse than that—

He felt the chain of the necklace snap. “No!” he snarled again, his stomach twisting—for the first time that night—in fear. The necklace was his protection. With it, he was immune to the telekinetic tricks of demons. Nothing could touch him. Now, he was exposed—and Merida knew it.

“Traitor!” he snarled at her and thrashed—trying to dislodge her from his hips. His free hand went to her own throat, he’d kill her if he had to. The Order would understand. They did not take kindly to traitors. He should have expected no less from a woman. It was not often that they had loyalty or nobility or common fucking sense.

His fingers wrapped around her neck and they squeezed.

The pain in his wrist would not alleviate, but he refused to drop the gun. It was his only defense against the spectre now. If he could just get Merida off of him—there was a bullet for each of them.

One for the traitorous cunt.

One for the delusional bitch.

And one for the demon responsible for it all.

MERIDA: Merida used to wrestle with her father. They were games of pretend: Merida three times her size and her father the rambunctious pup who showed her his belly, there on the green of Cawdor gardens. She’d climb all over him and shout with the force of her lungs her victory. With her fists raised high in the air, she’d declared herself king-- king of fathers and king of Cawdor Castle.

She knew that he had let her win those games. Now-- this wasn’t a game and Phoebus wouldn’t let her win. But she knew how to fight. If wrestling had taught her anything, it was how to want something so badly, you would fight for it.

So Phoebus thrashed and she steeled her thighs around him. He discharged the gun again. The cathedral echoed with that iron sound. Merida banged his hand back with her own so hard she imagined the itty bitty bird bones of his knuckles crunching into grains of sand.

She raised the necklace away from him with her other hand. He flailed to catch it and when he didn’t get it, his thick fingers found her throat.

Merida choked. Her breath squeezed in her belly, her lungs bursting. And in between her ears it wasn’t the ringing of the gun anymore, but the howling begun, growing louder and louder, closer and closer--

She flailed her hand and threw the necklace behind her. “It’s-- the-- necklace!” she tried to rasp the answer. Her hand now free, she reached for Phoebus’s hand around her neck.

And she fought. She fought to peel every one of those fingers off her, with a strength she knew was not her own, but the beast’s.

She watched how his eyes bulged, reminding Merida of prey.

Her own flashed as her mouth twisted in a snarl.

PHOEBUS: Phoebus watched, his own eyes bulging as Merida pulling his fingers from her neck, one after another. It shouldn’t be possible. Men were stronger than women, just by default. It was the way their bodies were made. Not to mention, Phoebus had been training almost his entire life. Over twenty years—he never missed an exercise. He worked hard every day to keep himself in the best shape possible. He was strong.

Merida was not this strong.

And still, she peeled his fingers back one by one, like snapping the strings a guitar.

It shouldn’t be possible—but it was.

Phoebus’ brain was attempting to recalibrate. If he could not defeat her by brute strength, he could certainly outsmart the dumb broad. This was a lie he told himself, for he knew Merida was sharp as a tack—but he was smarter, older, had been doing this much, much longer. Merida was all brawn. Phoebus was all brains. It was what he had always excelled at. This was why he was glad to fight demons, not dragons.

She peeled his fingers from her throat, but she needed both hands to do it.

Which meant that Phoebus had one shot.

Surprisingly, shooting someone at close range was at times more difficult than at a distance. It could be hard to get the angle correct. But Phoebus knew he needed to get her off of him if he had any chance of taking care of what he needed to. If he could just destabilize her at least, then he could deal with the Acherons—and Merida later.

With a twist of his wrist, Phoebus aimed the gun up and towards Merida, the shot loud and echoing once again.

Blood splattered on his face and he heard Merida give an inhuman growl. The next moment she had sprang off of him.

The moment after that, Phoebus had also jumped to his feet.

He spun on his heel to find the Acherons again. “STOP!” His voice boomed through the nave of the cathedral. “I swear to God I will shoot either of you.”

HADES: The first shot didn’t hit them. He waited for the sharp bite, but it never came. The scuffle behind them continued, Phoebus snarling and Merida gasping. She said something about a necklace, but--

“I’m fine. Let’s go!” Hades hissed. He grabbed Belle’s hand and yanked her into motion.

They stumbled into a clumsy, staggering run, Belle still weak and sick and very, very pregnant. Feet pounded anyway. Down the aisle, halfway to the door, Hades’ eyes scouring the shadows and wondering, wondering if he could take Belle with him--

Another gunshot. Hades flinched and looked over his shoulder. He saw Merida stumble back only to collapse out of view.  

He felt a flicker of something in his chest, but didn’t have time to consider what it was. Because Phoebus scrambled up and pointed the gun at them again.

Hades once again shoved Belle behind him. He obeyed the order, his feet, heavy as concrete as he stared back at a manic Phoebus. He looked more monster than Hades ever had-- hair wild, uniform crumbled, and blood spattered across his front.

But he didn’t have his hostage anymore. And Hades remembered what Merida had gasped. Necklace, she said, and Hades decided to take a chance, based on an inkling in his stomach that felt exactly like his sixth sense.

He waved his hand and ripped the gun from Phoebus’s hand. It flew across the church and got lost in one of the pews. Phoebus looked startled. Then scared. Hades smirked.

He reached forward and grabbed Phoebus by the throat with his magic. With his hand extended out, fist white-knuckled with his grip, he moved forward, back down the aisle and toward the choking Prince. Who was the devil now?

“What do you think of me now?” Hades snarled. He forced Phoebus to his knees as he got closer and closer. The candles on the altar lit a ghostly blue.  “Do I look like the demon yet? Am I the devil?” He wrapped his powers so thickly and tightly around Phoebus that he couldn’t move his arms.

He arrived in front of him and leaned down so he could spit directly in his face.  

“I’m something so much worse,” he told him. And he contemplated Phoebus’s death--Hades’ most familiar friend standing next to them both. He sensed there was a choice here when sometimes there was not. To choke, to burn, to slice Phoebus open--to spare him-- Death waited, silent and patient, for Hades to decide.

Behind him, a different creature rose from the shadows.

PHOEBUS: The gun sprung from his hand as if attached to a string. Phoebus stumbled, more on instinct than anything, as if he had just received a blow. He thought that he might be able to bluff. Hades knew that Phoebus was immune to telekinesis but didn’t know how. Phoebus could hope that Merida had not been able to convey her message. Whether through sheer luck or the sense of some otherworldly creature—Hades called his bluff.

And Phoebus felt the cold trickle of fear. It started as a quiet thing—as silent as a prayer.

Invisible fingers closed around his throat and Phoebus’ hands came up at once, clawing at the nothing of it, desperate and instinctual. He was dizzy even before Hades shoved him to his knees. His brain confused at that point—unable to feel what was choking him, unable to understand why that was. Hades looked just as terrifying as Phoebus knew him to be—that unearthly blue fire bouncing off the stained glass, turning the Cathedral dark instead of warm. Or, perhaps, that was just the blackness creeping into the sides of his vision.

BELLE: Belle had stumbled to a pew as Hades moved off. She got her hand around the side of it and leaned over for a moment, attempting to catch her breath. Realistically, she knew the threat was gone now. Phoebus was unarmed and unprotected from Hades’ powers, which meant there was no way to overtake him.

Still, the fear rushed through Belle. She was dizzy with it. Could feel her hands shaking. So, she pushed back up and gripped at the back of the pew, trying to find the spirit inside of her that had faced off with murderous muses and dragons and shadow creatures galore. She couldn’t find that girl. Instead, she found another as she watched Hades force Phoebus to his knees. She found a vicious, vindictive woman—who wanted to watch Hades snap Phoebus’ neck.

The thought didn’t even startle her. She didn’t look away. Instead, she stood taller. Her gaze was hard and cool. For a few moments, there was no sympathy in her heart, only the thirst for revenge. And not just for this incident, but all the ones that had come before. Belle could see it all now, clicking into place. Phoebus, the officer who had arrested Hades. Phoebus, the officer who had been the first to show up after Shuck’s collar had come loose. All the rumors kicked back up and swirling around Hades. Rumors that had died down considerably when Hades had won his seat on the Board.

Their lives—Hades’ life—potentially ruined by someone who was going to murder him and her and their unborn child in cold blood.

Belle had no sympathy for him.

However, her gaze fell softly on her husband. Even from a distance, even though he kept it contained to the thunderous tilt of his brow—she could see the fury etched into every line of his body. In that same moment, Belle knew that she would not allow her husband to kill Phoebus in cold-blood. (no matter how delicious the sound of Phoebus’ neck snapping would sound in the echo of the cathedral. Later, it would haunt them both.) She knew Hades had killed before--she knew that he had killed just like this, not under threat of attack, but because of his fury. Belle wouldn’t let him this time and she would not have let him if she had been there before.

And this was not because of some higher moral obligation. No, Belle was woman enough to admit that. It was not because there wasn’t some riotous, monstrous part of herself that wanted Phoebus dead. It was not because she thought Phoebus worth saving.

But because she knew that Phoebus’ death would do nothing to clean up their reputation in town. If Hades wanted to salvage any of that, they needed to play the victims. Which meant keeping Phoebus alive, taking the moral high ground. He was just a Mundus anyway. If he was put in jail, there would be little risk of him leaving. He was no longer a threat. It was better to keep him alive. Phoebus was the one who was going to kill them, not the other way around.

“Hades,” she called—her voice soft but ragged--she knew he would hear her regardless.

Don’t. He’s not worth it.

This was what she was going to say, but movement caught her eye.

In the blue of Hades’ candlelight, Merida’s fur shone black—but Belle knew who and what she was at once—and she was stalking right towards Hades.

“Behind you!” she called then, her voice much louder.  

Her gaze turned frantically towards the wolf and she moved from the pew into the aisle again, as if she would be able to run fast enough to do anything at all. She knew she couldn’t. Still, she gathered what little strength she had.

“Merida, no!” The command bounced around the walls of the cathedral, echoing much louder than Belle herself was.

HADES: Hades turned at Belle’s voice and had approximately half a second to react to the werewolf that had fucking materialized out of nowhere.

Okay, realistically, in the next five seconds, he’d put together the werewolf was Merida all along. But at first, all he saw was animal and all he thought was animal. The wolf hulked, massive, its fur a rustic red-tinted penny colour with eyes like molten lava. It dripped blood. Hades barked in shock and he literally collapsed back onto Phoebus as the creature lunged with a terrible cry of its own.

His magic lashed out. It grabbed the wolf like it had grabbed the gun and flung the creature into the altar, knocking the whole damn thing over. The werewolf snarled then screeched with pain. When it got up again, it scrambled on clumsy legs like it didn’t know how to use it.

And then it bolted down, toward Belle.

“Belle!” he cried out and was about to toss the wolf against the pews.

But the wolf streaked past Belle, straight for the open door, and out again.

Now it was Hades turned to scramble off Phoebus. He twisted around, grabbed the dazed, gasping corrupt cop by his ruined uniform and then punched him once across the face. It was surprisingly more satisfying than he thought it would be, for someone who had never had to throw a punch before. His knuckles crunched cheekbone. It hurt, but Hades liked it.

He then let Phoebus fall back onto the ground. He got up the rest of the way and jerked Phoebus’s hands above his head in mock surrender.

“You didn’t mention you were working with a fucking werewolf. What the fuck?” Hades panted. He twisted half-round to look at Belle. “Are you okay?”

BELLE: Merida lunged and Hades knocked himself backwards, toppling him and Phoebus both to the ground and out of sight behind the pews. Belle felt her heart jump into her throat the moment Merida’s paws left the ground, her heart sinking—helpless once more—into her stomach.

But Hades managed to toss her into the altar with an awful crash. There was just a moment, just a moment of respite (though, Belle’s heart clenched in her chest at the sound of Merida’s whine—though she wasn’t sure why, she had no pity for the sorrowful, hateful creature.) Then, Merida got up and shook herself off and barreled towards her.

Though this, at least, Belle was not afraid of. She had been stared down, stalked by a werewolf once before. She knew the look in their eye, hungry and focused. As Merida neared, she knew that was not the case—her head was shaking back and forth like she was attempting to fix a ringing in her ears. So, Belle’s heart jumped back into her throat but she did not flinch as the beast blew passed her, fast and powerful enough to ruffle her hair and clothing.

She turned to watch it go, wondering what would become of the girl. If she cared, it was only because there was a rogue wolf on the loose. When all this was over, she should probably call Adam and give him the heads up, (When all this was over, she would forget.)

Her reverie was broken just a moment after it had started (another moment of respite gone), when she heard flesh against flesh and turned—startled—back to Hades and Phoebus. Her breath caught in her throat just before she registered that it was Hades who had thrown the punch, Hades who was still in control of the situation. For a second, she had thought—

Phoebus’ manic laughter filled the cathedral, bouncing off the walls and making Belle shiver and her stomach sicker. She clenched white-knuckled at the pew and wanted to beg for him to stop. But Belle had not begged with a gun to her head and she would not start now.

Instead, she looked to Hades and nodded her head slightly—making her way back towards him slowly, her whole body trembling as the adrenaline began to eek out of her.

“I’m fine,” she reassured him, though it was not wholly the truth. “We need to call the police, Hades,” she told him. “I-I don’t know where my phone is. They—” her voice caught, strangled as her throat closed, “—took it.”

HADES: The wolf-- was gone. Phoebus-- had lost. Was manic and laughing, unhinged as Hades expected he had always been under his uniform. And Belle was okay.

For a brief second, Hades just let out a breath and enjoyed that fact for what it was: Belle was okay. Yes, she was still pregnant with a baby that was sucking all of her health from her. Yes, she had been kidnapped and all his fault again. Yes, she’d been held at gunpoint. Knifepoint. The nightmares would keep them both awake.

But in that second, she was alive. Alive, standing, still pregnant, her hair a tangled mess but otherwise alive. If he could just hold onto that, maybe he’d make it to March and see the other side of this.

But he couldn’t. Hold onto it, that is. There was a list of things to do tonight, from the police to the Board to scheduling an appointment with Hera to check the baby-- couldn’t be too careful. And so the second ended and Hades had to go on. That’s how you made it to the other side anyway. Not by holding your breath and waiting for things-- but by going on.

“I’ll call,” he said. He still had his powers wrapped tightly around Phoebus, a hand out to keep it that way while the other dug into his pocket. “Is Opal kicking? Can you feel her?” he asked Belle as he dialed.

If she was kicking, then, at least… at least it would be one good thing.

BELLE: Hades asked about Opal and Belle blinked a little. It surprised her—though, guilt nipped on her heels the next second. In her mild defense, she had just been kidnapped and held at both knife- and gun point, betrayed by someone she had thought of as a dear friend. (For the second time in a handful of months, though really, Berlioz’s betrayal seemed meager to all of this.) In her mild defense, Hades barely took an interest in the baby these days outside of making sure Belle was as comfortable as possible.

So, yes, she blinked a little, and then—with a jolt, realized she hadn’t felt her at all since—the car? Or, perhaps, when the gun had pressed to her temple. She couldn’t remember when the last time was. And Belle, you know, was very diligent at measuring her kick count every day—and Opal was always delighted to participate, if you caught her at the right time. Which was just about now. If Opal wasn’t tap-dancing on Belle’s liver, something was wrong.

Something might be wrong.

Belle put a hand to her stomach, and for the first time in several minutes, focused on her daughter in more than the abstract “save her life” kind of way. She held her breath for a moment, two—

There she went, kicking right against the bottom of Belle’s stomach. Belle’s hand arched down towards the movement as the relief washed over her.

She heard Hades’ voice speaking to the emergency operator, so she took the moment to edge her way back into a pew and sat down, her hand pressed against her daughter’s foot, like she could hold it already. She wished she could count all of her toes.

Belle watched Hades hang up the phone and turn towards her. “She’s—she’s fine, I-I think. Tap-dancing, a-as usual.” She smiled just a little and wanted to reach out for him, but she was terrified for him to come any closer whilst he still had Phoebus in the grip of his powers. Realistically, she knew Hades could probably hold Phoebus steady from across the cathedral and not simply a few pews away, but she did not want to risk it.

Instead, she just slumped down and tilted her head back, looking towards one of the stained-glass windows. A pietà. Belle looked away.

PHOEBUS: Phoebus gave up fighting rather quickly. It was no use against the invisible binds around him, stronger than any rope. Rope, he could wiggle his way out of. Magical binds that defied the logic of physicality? It was impossible.

So, instead, he was quiet and still. He did not try to fight. He began to plot.

In truth, it was not going well. He knew that Hades was too dangerous a target now. With a hunting party, perhaps they would catch him. There was no one Phoebus trusted enough to be smart and steady, to bide their time and strike when the moment was right. The Order was full of impatient, amateur assholes just looking to make an easy kill. Fine. Let Hades live and destroy this town. The people in it were idiots for living within its borders.

His planning turned towards the future. Getting out of prison. He was confident it would happen. Swynlake was not quipped to handle a trial of this caliber. He would be outsourced to a proper jail, a proper prison. A different court system entirely. One that was not magick-friendly. One that would sympathize with his position. His family could hire a perfectly powerful lawyer. He could get acquitted. He could have a vastly reduced sentence. He could break out. The Order knew enough people in the prison system. It was how they continued to operate the way that they did. He was confident he would not be in jail long.

Which left—Duchess. Would she wait for him? He prayed she would. Phoebus would still give her the big beautiful seaside house. A wedding that he would let her busy herself with planning whilst he was dealing with the red tape. He would take care of her still.

Phoebus hardly noticed the handcuffs going onto his wrists or being jerked to his feet. He stayed stony and silent as he left the sanctity of the cathedral and was shoved into the police cruiser, the red-blue lights flashing like the sun spiraling through stained glass.

[bukxwskii]

THE FRONT BOTTOMS//03.12.16

OKay so I’ve been meaning to do this for a while now because seeing The Front Bottoms was probably one of the highlights of my life and i need to get this night down because im so scared parts of the night will slowly start to go from my memory and im sentimental lmao((I’m also failing english so you’re getting this as a just a list of things that made this night great sorrynotsorry))

okay for starters i looked hella good this day, had a sparkly top on, my hair in sick space buns and i just felt so confident with this new look it was so great

I’d been looking forwards to this gig for ages and i’ve wantted to see tfb for so so long 

it was a day after my mocks finished so it was such a relief and almost a celebration

It was at my favourite venue (kentish town O2 forum) and we ate cookies in the queue 

we met the nicest girl in the crowd and we spoke to her until the support act came on

we then met these other guys who were really nice too and quite jokes although they didnt actually like tfb and were just there for the support at Gnarwolves so we were with them/bumping into them every now again in the crowd during gnarwolves and then they left to go get high

I cant remember if we then met these other girls before gnarwolves too or before tfb, hence why im writing this all down because these are my fav memories and i dont wanna forget!! but anyway we got talking to these lovely girls(basically this was one of the friendliest crowds at a gig i have ever been to which is a big reason why this night was so great tbh) and they told me they’d been judging everyone and decided I had the best space buns which actually made me feel so so good about myself….FIve minutes later though and the music starts, someone crowd surfs over me and kicks my space buns out:// i guess it was too good to be true, typical eh?

Honestly i can remember the first support act, they were called Apologies, i have none but i cant actually remember their set. I guess no memories means it cant have been that bad tho??

Gnarwolves though were so sick, the crowd was so so mad and they put on a hell of a set. I’d listened to them before and knew who they were but only after i’d seen them live did i realise just how good these guys were and i would definitely see them again if i get the chance 

Every single second the front bottoms were on stage i had the biggest smile on my face, they were so so amazing and i actually love them and their music so much. Like not even just fangirling i have so much respect for this band and still dont understand why those guys we met didn’t stick around to see tfb

If i were to say the crowd was dead I’d be telling the biggest lie. For some reason I live for the feeling of near death, struggling to hold yourself up, having a lack of breath, being severely dehydrated and overheating, either being pressed up closer to someone than even thought possible or being in the pit throwing yours into and onto people left, right and centre in time to the music. Not to mention the surprise of suddenly having someone’s body part flung over you’re head from behind you and being expected to hold this person up when you can barely hold yourself up. To any non gig goer you wont understand and when i start to think about it i dont really either but theres something about being in these crowds which makes me feel happier than anywhere else in the world.

Having said that, and meaning it, during the encore some people had already started to leave and i wasnt bothered about being right at the front so for the last couple of songs i got myself a little space and danced and sung my heart out knowing full well i probably looked like the biggest twat going but i honestly didnt care in the slightest.

‘WITH TEARS IN MY EYES I BEGGED YOU TO STAY YOU SAID HEY MAN I LOVE YOU BUT NO FUCKING WAY’ Putting every last emotion and breath into sing/screaming this made me so unbelievably happy and one point me and this guy sung the hey man i love you part to each other and god singing to strangers in the crowd is probably on of the best feelings i cant explain it. 

Okay so these next bits werent actually at the gig but it was still that night so im counting it.

So me and my mate got on the tube absolutely buzzing and chatting away about the gig and this guy opposite us obviously realised we’d been to the same gig as him and he was listening to his music so he started humming and singing along and as it was the front bottoms we joined in singing and so he took his headphones out to play the music out loud and it was just quite jokes. also he was really drunk and basically invited us out with him but we had to get the train home

then on the way to the train station we stopped at a shop and got some grapes and water but let me tell you grapes are the best after gig snack like its soo refreshing.

we then got on the train home and oh my god this is my favourite train ride and favourite story to tell ever, basically me and my friend sat on one table of four and there was another one next to it with this drunk guy(Nick from Sevenoaks with a brussel sprouts christmas jumper) on and we were just happily sat with our grapes and cookies on the table still buzzing and this group of drunk people in their late 20′s probably came and sat on both tables(there was like 8 of them) and they were the funniest people and at first we were just kind of listening in to thier conversations and like laughing to ourselves but then one of the guys was like ‘omg do you guys have food!?’ so we were like yeah and passed over our grapes and cookies to them(bc sharing is caring) and that kind of made them start talking to us and it was so eventful like being the sober one you realise how much shit drunk people chat it’s so so funny and anyway we were talking to them for quite a while as i think we were all on the train together for like a good hour and somehow we got on to the subject of relationships and one of the girls asked Nick the one who was originally on the train if he had a girlfriend and he was like no so then they asked me and i said no to so they got the bright idea to set us up and they all were so excited and were like come on molly swap seats swap seats so i’d be opposite him and i was just there like nahhh and i kid you not they like dragged me up and made me move seats and then they put the grapes and cookies(which they’d pretty much ate all of) on the table in between us to make it ‘date like’ and then one of the guys went all speed dating mode and starting asking us both questions about us so we’d get to know each other and this may sound weird but trust me it was the funniest thing ever to happen. We also got them listening to tfb and we were all sat on the train listening to them so yeah that was a pretty fun train ride

So yeah that was the night I saw the front bottoms and even though it was the whole night that made this i cannot wait for the front bottoms to tour again and if you havent already….LISTEN TO THE FRONT BOTTOMS !!

[herthousandlegs]

okay so, long post warning i gotta explain my experience last night i smoked dmt for the first and probably last time. i put it in a bowl with tobacco, about half of what i had and took two hits... i laid down and definitely felt a change: colors more vibrant and the ceiling of my room seemed to be like falling down towards me, but nothing really happened. i asked z to be with me in case it went awry, i was talking to them about what i was experiencing. after about 5 or so minutes i felt i hadnt done it right so i put the rest of what i had in the bowl and put some tobaccy backy on toppy. i took two fat hits and held it in, blew the smoke out the window, and BAM my ears went quiet, like the quiet right before a ringing happens in yr ear, but it was QUIET, there was a buzzing in my left ear. i knew it was happening and it was HAPPENING VERY FAST, a lot more quickly than i had anticipated, i quickly moved to lie down in my bed bc i knew whatever i had tried to prepare for was going to be A LOT different than what i was actually going to experience. i was holding zs hand and looking up at the ceiling, i caught a glimpse of z as i moved to lie down, they were MADE OF FRACTALS i cant describe what it looked like exactly bc it didnt look real, not in the sense of an acid trip where you see someone and recognize them as a human, it was like they looked ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. theres a green lightbulb in the ceiling of my room and i could see the green light, but the white of the ceiling was growing and growing and the buzzing in my ear was growing louder and before long i couldnt really see ANYTHING except the white and hints of green at some point my eyes closed and i could hear myself breathing, and i could hear myself making the little noises i make when im falling asleep sometimes and then NOTHING when i say nothing i dont mean like nothing, i mean true nothingness, unfathomable emptiness, the universe before the big bang, total and complete lack of anything i wasnt in my body, i didnt see my body, i didnt HAVE A BODY, I DIDNT EXIST, i truly felt NOTHING im not sure how long i was like that but i remember suddenly being aware of my hand in z's and i remember saying, "water" z was very quick to get me some, and was asking me if i needed anything, if i wanted to unzip my footie pajamas, if i was too hot, then they asked me if i wanted them to hold me, to which i immediately responded yes, they moved to put their arms around me and i remember just holding them and feeling their back and shoulders in my hands and feeling very scared and i asked them if i was alive they responded yes, in a very calming voice and was reassuring me that this was reality and i was safe and okay, and i BROKE DOWN INSTANTLY i was sobbing and feeling their skin and bones over their shirt and holding on for dear life i remember being more scared that THEY were okay at that time and not me, i was thinking like, "this has to be so fuckin unsettling wtf" every reassurance they said to me i responded with "thank you" and "i love you" i felt nothing but like pure love and care in that moment after coming back to my body, i cant describe it as anything but seeing someone you truly love after being away for years and them being exactly how you left them (which sounds v idealistic as im typing it out) or like..... this is a hard analogy to grasp... like if you watched yourself die next to your best friend or someone youd miss the most if they were gone, and all of a sudden you woke up and they were there holding you and you were ALIVE and LIVING idk i just cant put it into words that describe anything like the intensity of emotion i was feeling i just...... i truly believe i touched death, i definitely "broke through" i experienced the void, the space between stars where no light shines, the deepest point of a black hole past the event horizon... the scariest part wasnt that feeling of infinite empty, but like.... feeling THAT and STILL BEING ALIVE. it wasnt BAD, it wasnt GOOD, but im not apathetic about it... it was like seeing a tree, it's just there, its nature, it exists solely to exist, in the same way the experience was just an experience, it happened!! im not sure if this makes any sense... but it left me with a great deal of excitement about BEING ALIVE yknow? it made me feel incredibly grateful for the people in my life and the good relationships i have with my friends and family, and the love and the care that come from them. do you need to do DMT?? no, in fact, id probably dissuade anyone who wasnt certain about doing it. am i glad i did it?? i think so... now i know what death feels like, i think. and that makes life feel a hell of a lot more full. its not a euphoric sense of gratitude either, like acid sometimes makes me feel, its just a heightened, or more focused sense of gratitude. thank's for reading... i had to spill.

[lesoleilxjulien]

hotel room, tokyo.

oK ;3; fsnfjsdfnjs i hope you you have a nice trip back home tomorrow then! you really have to travel a lot for your job omg o3o i can see that being nice bc different environments and such!! o3o bUT YO. she's pushing his buttons and he's just "dONT TOUCH ME" like im shaken. i forgot how awful marie can be. JuLIEN MY SON THOUGH OHMYGOD. i can finally spoil that one of the few pictures seen in the dispatch post are them holding hands. and ofc the going in hotel. so there is one thing julien can cri over. IM SO HURT.

OUO thank you! It's nice to go home but lol it's a little perk. I told Beth I was like IM SORRY I DONT FLY THIS MUCH FOR WORK THEY JUST NEED HELP I AM SORRY FOR HIATUS AFTER HIATUS. Also ugh Marie. Julien will legit cry ok. Like he's so sad when dax is all drunk and "hahhh yeah he went home with this pretty little thing. don't be surprised if he looks exhausted in the morning, she was hot af." And Jules is just /strained smile "....o-oh. good to know. goodnight." and he's just in the hotel hallway in pajamas getting a drink from the vending machine ok, he was not expecting this. he just goes back to his room and curls up and cries bc /wow ok maybe I was looking too much into it and he actually doesn't like me in that way lol what did I expect why am I crying in bed/ and tbh had he been drinking he probably would have pulled a Jerome and called Jerome's phone and left drunken voicemails of him crying and blubbering something incoherent

BUT RIIP NNOOO oHMYGOD im SO IN PAIN. but at the same time. all those realizations. Like why IS he crying over the fact that Jerome with a girl. Like. WHY. if they were /just/ very close friends it wouldn't be like this. and omg. pulling a jerome. if he would still be at maries hotel he would feel his phone buzzing in his backpocket. if its during his cab ride back he cant seem to answer the phone, his vocal cords not letting him, nor does his mind. omg he'd listen to it probably the second he wakes up from his broken sleep because of his alarm he didn't turn off. He'd see the many missed calls and left voicemails. He'd swallow loudly and listen quickly becAUSE WHY DID JULIEN CALL HIM? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HIM? DID MARIE JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM HIM? and he'd hear him crying. marie hatred intensifies because he couldn't be there for julien omg and jerome just rushes out of his hotelroom to juliens. he asks idols walking around were he is and then insert them seeing each other wow

TBH. He's devastated at Jerome leaving with a girl but also upset at the fact that he's so hurt over it bc WHY SHOULD HE BE HURT HE SHOULD BE HAPPY JEROME FOUND SOMEONE. And Julien would have great technique when pulling a Jerome ok. He cries into the phone and Jerome's inbox is full and Julien's battery is dead and he fell asleep but woke up a little hungover with puffy eyes. He would instead just clean himself up and throw on his glasses and blame his allergies and sinuses ("Julien it's autumn there are no plants out" "I said it's allergies >>") but he'd prob be holed up in his room until he needs to be at the stadium. Jerome would probably find him as he's opening the door to put the room service tray outside and it's just them looking like shit but looking at each other and Julien just "...." /sniffles and straightens out while looking at Jerome "what's up?" And he's trying so hard to act like he's unbothered, like he didn't just bawl into his cellphone a few hours ago

ohmYGOD. It's such a confusing time because Julien doesn't have his feelings sorted out as clearly as Jerome has. (which only grew after that night let me tell u) and these feelings hit him and omg. bUT the blowing up of Jerome's phone. You don't knOW. how far his heart is up his throat because of the notifications on his phone screen. and ugh. He'd be so panicked. He could almost faint. All this added pressure to his brain wow. But when they see each other, and Jerome is just stood there staring at him, noticing the puffy eyes, the sniffles, staring straight through the façade, before a snap, a switch goes off in his mind that makes him drag the other back inside of his hotelroom, a total disregard of asking for permission and the door isn't even closed yet Jerome is holding his arm maybe a bit too tightly, standing close as he talks "Are you okay? Why did you call me? Did something happen? Tell me." and he'd say that in a string of words without a breath being taken, looking at him so intensely that wOW. He's in a weird place in his mind rn so he's all on edge and that also means on edge with emotional things and CARE INTENSIFIES.

TBH Julien's feelings are all just a gray puddle. He can't even begin to sift through all his emotions he just knows that he needs Jerome in his life. His eyes would go wide, a tiny gasp escaping as Jerome pulls him back inside with the door shutting behind them. Julien would look up at him, tears starting to well up in his eyes a little but he blinks them away and clears his throat. He can't hold Jerome's gaze rn, bc he will prob end up crying again. "Nothing happened. Just got drunk and lonely. Happens all the time." And he'd he'd move to wiggle his arm out of Jerome's grasp, gaze to his feet while clutching his arm. "I'm sorry if I bothered you last night with my calls, I guess you really were busy." mumbling softly. "But you don't have anything to worry about." It's so out of character for him because he's usually the type to just address things and be blunt about it to clear the air but things are always different when it comes to Jerome.

I'm in pAIN. The fact that he isn't telling him directly what is going on is very reminiscent, only with the roles reversed and Jerome gets a taste of how Julien felt when he couldn't admit he was falling in love with him. And Jerome is scared, the string of voicemails left on his phone having him in a panic. There is tension in his jaw again, but not in the way it had been when he was eye to eye with his ex. It's in the way of biting back emotions, seeing his eyes turn teary before his gaze left him. "You don't just cry without a reason when you're drunk and lonely." He says, voice just above a whisper as he looks at him with such a caring look that Julien misses when he looked away. "I should know." Admitting this, he searches for his eyes as he counters Juliens attempts to escape his hold by taking a hold of his other arm as well. "Tell me." He demands but there is a wavering in his voice, allowing his voice to grow softer and a bit more desperate. "Tell me please, I already regretted this night, don't make me regret it more." And he says that without thought, "Tell me why you called. Tell me why you cried." Julien looks at him then, whether its due to himself or due to Jerome cupping his chin and tilting his gaze up. "Tell me why you needed me." oh wow i wanted pain anyways

TBH it's actually their positions in reverse and it's literally the same reason too I'm crying. And Julien hates that Jerome is trying to reason with him about it. "Well I was drunk and alone so I felt lonely," he'd counter. Julien would bite on his lip, blinking to keep his tears from falling even more, and his gaze would fall on the way Jerome's hands grip onto his arms. He just needs a little coaxing to finally let his thoughts escape but he's still stubborn and he shakes his head when Jerome first asks him to tell him. He shakes his head again when Jerome asks him to tell him why he called and cried. And finally the third time Jerome asks him and Julien can turn away his resolve finally crumbles, tears starting to fall and "I was upset that you left with her!" he'd reply, covering his face to try and wipe his eyes "dax told me you went home with her and you didn't pick up and I-" and he'd stop bc he's starting to shake and sob and "I was upset, okay? Is that the answer you were looking for? The answer you wanted?" And ok yeah pain it just hit me heaves

[nerdystrawberries1489-blog]

Can’t fall asleep right now...too much thoughts racing in my head. Just want us to be okay. Just want everything to be okay. We need things btw us okay because we have so many challenges we have to get through and I want the little things in our life to be okay so I feel confident we can make it through.  I mean its been tough jaan....right now i do feel like i don't know how our day will end ...it could end good or it could end bad...and its so frustrating to me. I don't want to be difficult. I don't want to come off needy. I want us to be happily ever after but I know my expectation are unrealistic at times. I don't know why we fight so much...maybe it comes from tiredness and we take it out on each other or maybe were not thinking correctly. Just want us to be okay to get through this together.  

I can feel it these days that you are slowly just giving up on me and I feel like you don't care about me as much and you mention it..which basically scares me into thinking that things may not work out btw us as we dreamed and hoped. And it scares me a lot jaan. I don't want us to distance and our feelings to die apart. Truth is my feelings for you would never die even if we don't end up together.  I would love you still a lot and it will bother me for rest of my life why it couldn't be. 

Anways I had to restart my post because I couldn't pick up from the last one. My week has been busy/ mediocre at work. Work this whole week consisted of 

Rounding in 10 Patients with 4 different attendings. writing notes for all patient, updating census, taking consults , updating attendings, covering OR cases, working in clinic, dealing with 20 + students texting me about coming to visit program, figuring out which student to take, and alway back in my mind wishing so badly I could be with you at Disney World. 

Work was a good distraction bc I was forcing myself not to think about who much I was missing you and keeping my mind busy and not thinking what you were doing every 5 min.  I was missing you so much and kept checking my phone and stopping myself from bugging you and letting you enjoy. But trust me I wanted to be next to you so badly and I wish I was.  And in my head just couldn’t wait for our days to go there together. 

I did try to socialize more and became little chatty here and there with people but being on floors I still had to finish work bc noone else was gonna do it for me. Just wanted to get everything I needed to get done before I left.  I hate staying past 5.  I was thankful that my coresident C was helping me out here and there.  This whole month attendings took lot of my time rounding...bc they spend hours with patient and it drove me nuts...and I had needy ass patient.  You think I am needy!!? ...this one lady just keeps on talking and had panic attack in front of me and I was like calm down...I don't have time for this. Literally spend 45 min calming her down. 

And then I had another attending who is so clueless and doesn’t know what he’s doing and is taking his freaken patient 4th time to the OR again!  It’s ridiculous and he hogs me forever ....not sure why but people have this going joke that he’s your boyfriend. -.- So very annoyed with him bc I’m trying to get rid of his patient so I can be done with him but his patient is getting sicker and sicker. 

And then students have been messaging me right and left about visiting.  Feel bad leading them on bc they all think we like them, but the truth is we can’t say no to them directly so we have to pretend to like them. And I feel terrible bc were basically wasting their time when were not really interested. We can’t release any hints on who we like bc its conflict of interest. So yes I am leading many students on bc I have to play this game.....I feel like such a player. LOL We already know who we want...and tomorrow we have a meeting of figuring out who we want to chose as our new residents. 

Clinic this week has been decent because we had so many students come to visit, we even finished 1 hour early. And same thing will happen next Tuesday which is pretty sweet. Its weird bc lots of students are fighting to get this program, mainly because of the pay and they think its super chill, when reality is its still just as much work. Clinic regardless exhausts me.

I feel like I hadn't had a decent rest since last Friday. Friday I worked. Sunday I worked. Then Monday through Saturday I’ll work again....so been a little exhausted. Rounding takes a toll on me these days ..bc I have to round on 10 patients usually. 

Thankfull in one week my second month of floor will be over. And then I’ll go off service which I’m nervous bc I’m getting my car next week and Im nervous as hell driving. You don't know how SCARE I am. I feel like I’m not gonna live to see 2018 bc NY scares me with driving. Last thing I wanted was to have a car in NY.  Please pray of me that I’ll be okay and wont get into car accident or die. 

I’ve been taking care of myself as promised...been eating appropriately on time and taking medication and sleeping. Right now my mind is buzz and I can't fall asleep bc so much on my mind and its 1 am.  

What else..oh yeah I mentioned about our current drama at work...its between C and I...Its just stupid shit but I is a bitch. And R is just struggling in IMED. 

And as promised I did make attempts to chit chat with R...he stayed backed yesterday to hang out with me before he headed home. He seemed stressed and felt left out of conversation in podiatry, so I just updated him on what was going on in the call room. Odd thing was he was on my case on getting a car...he was like you need to look, I can come with you to see cars, what you looking for etc...I didnt tell him yet i got a car, but I was like why do you care so much on my car problems. I mean its nice of him but still you know. Can’t figure him out.

Anyways tomorrow is how my schedule looks 

6:30 am to 9 am: Morning Meeting & Hopefully Discussing About Students (huge chance they may move it after 5pm...I hope not)

9 am to Noonish: Notes/Round/Update Census/Consults

2 OR Cases: 7:45 & 3:00 which both C will do it 

Noonish to 5pm: Consults 

Swoosh List:

Breakfast

Lunch

Dinner

Logs/Duty Hours w/ Naan

Notes for Saturday

Monday PowerPoint Presentation 

Check Bills

Exercise 

Shower 

Pray

Nap

Talk Ami

Spend Time w/ Naan bc NAAAN IS BACK AND HES MINE MINE MINE!!!! 

Anyways I gotta go pee and I should try to sleep bc its 1 am. Sorry again about making things difficult. I love you!!! Muaaah!  I hear you snoring ....it so soothing.  I am so tempted to wake you up but I wont because I can tell you are tired..and jeez now your snoring extra loud LOL!!! Haha if you were sleeping next to me right now Id be like hugging you tight and my legs on top of you and just snuggling into your warmth body and possibly drooling on the side and you'd be like ewww hummus.  Okay okay Im gonna end this and sleep too. MUAAAH!!! I can’t wait for you to be back! Please have a safe trip back to NY!!! Pack everything and don't forget anything!!! I LOVE YOU!

[failinginvestigativejournalist]

Dont freak out, itss just writing

i grew up fast (so fast) (too quick nigga) (wish i went through when i was just a bit bigger) can you tell me who the parent is uh ya the first time i drove a whip i was a fuckin kid, (96 suburban nigga) (yo yo, did you tell em why) oh ya shit my fault my mom was bleeding from her chin i dont know what from or what about, scared to death i took that drive to the ER (Medical SHIIIT) (mom got too drunk again and feel out) (wheres dad? in his room his doors locked, figures i dont expect, as i try to knock (no answer nigga) i dont blame em he removes himself from the sitiation so he dont hit her) ya i fucking grew quick, ya i fucking tryed some shit, the first time i dropped out and took some shroomies i was age 6 plus 6, thats 12 for the illiterates, actually aas a matter a fact it was fuckin pleasant as fuck as i drew back the droe and took another hit. now that i think that was the day, older brother came and gave me cig i obliged no way to say nay, i was still trippin and it was a sensational feelin, it left me stumblin and dizzy a head rush like no other i was hooked for live to the day and i dont blame him, i dont think he knew what he had started, adding to the compilation of the monsxter inside that took refuge and started, poison in his mind, the drugs altered his brain activity but he was buckled up and commited to the ride.Shit i just said in third person let me apologize to yall sometimes the ideas flow together like two fortune five mergin, these feels of hate be strong ya im hurtin, i cant blame no one, i cant choose the family i was birthed in, started sniffin ups felt my blood surgin, gotta big head but my nemisis, the evil inside myself was bigger aboutt the size of a white sturgeon, like some northern ish that canadain shit like british columbia or somethin idk, alls i can say is that BC bud out that bitch is my fav to blow, the sour D, diesel to be exact for you niggas who waana try to nit pick or correct my personal facts, let me just speak at you,  all the hatin niggas tryin bring me down, bad news, i do drugs like steve from fuckin blues clues, but my rents always on time when that xshits due, any ways i side tracked speaking of tracks just lined some shit up did with speed did with need i did it with tact, im dextrous and shit i always have a unique train of thought oh shit trains again trains derailed at this point hhaaha i crack myself up sometimes with the wit in my words leh-let you in on the pun so you can join in my fun, about the lines the lines are no more you didn arrive in time i promise these raps have rhythm they have rhyme i aint spittin to waste your time, i aint spittin to catch a dime, bag or bitch, it really dont matter, niether last long but they are still my niche, come here bitch come hit this shit, this time dont have a fit, mind over matter just stick yuh nose in these rails sit down for a bit, drink some wata, go to your happy place we are gettin to old for me to have tote on yuh just from hitten lines but i put up wit it, you got that 50 thou boat on yuh, not to mention your ride, that shit is so sweet i cant decidddee which id rather seed, as in inseminate with my seaman as i play the part as a seaman workin for seimans on a marine voyage i aint like you im a higher being, i dont know whatchu talkin whatch your eyes be seein i am a divine heathan i really cant fucking believe a niggas still breathin im a florida boy born and raised, i sit the fuck back drink my beer in the shade, high as i usually am a rinny tin tin rinscotts tale \down the rintin like a shark fin poatched by commercial fisherman thrown in a bin, no regard for life the human race is so greedy, people just aint my type, say what you want i know me best and i know im right. my creative talents on the other hand be outta sight, im my own worst enemy to cross the bridge pay the fee, trollin in the hood for that g, withdrawin, shakin i drop to my knee look up to the sky ask god if he sees. hear the sound of humming, huh must be bees, or im trippin out maybe its a flash back i dont remmember. whats th-this street, tremblin think my heat skipped a bit, or a couple shakinso bad my knes begin to buckle, anxiety can be dibilatated held me back from so much in life thers no debating. unfamiliar route. made it to this bar ordered a stout got to thinking, you may ask what about, this is why i like solitude to be on my own to answer to noone to depend on myself and live it to the fullest while im yung, my mind will reel, replaying all i know every single memory, that im capable of bringing back, i compare my brain to a file cabinet, i keep it hidden like in an office towards the back. A photographic memory is a gift and a curse, ill tell you whatat, if you dont keep it in check you will end up in a herse, sure you can remember the happy shit the good things in your life but you cant fucking forget the huge hits the fucking bad bitch the one who broke your heart? dounno how to forget you but i think i know where to start, i thought it was drugs, i numbed my body with chemicals little did i know with every shot the metaphorical shovel scooped out some more dirt from the inconcievable whole i fuckin dug. my life has been weird kinda like an opriental from a flee market an awkward rug, with no real spot in the house, was always the black sheep in the fam i tryed to tip toe as quiet as a mouse, some tom and jerry shit my mistakes and regrets cbhasing me around like tom the cat from that shit, I hide in my hidey whole, disconeected from any social environmeent i often found myself cryin, but self loathin is kinda like being a a gay with some dicks hes blowin, givin a ski job pitty is the lube hatred is the tube the vessel to carry out a deed the fags not sure about, hes experimentin comparable to some situations in my life cept wont catch me with two dudes in a shower, that was just a metaphor. you feel me? im sure the haters will hop all over that verse but just fuckinh hear me. I got my shades on and these bitches special, haters they block, they keep you no fun, sticklers out of sight out of mind like spf 75 sun block, that industrial shit, factory born hear the lunch bell on the horn, an  hour passes the busy bees come back to the floor to join the others to join the masses; the hoard., here the hum of the worker bees at work as they sneek rum in there flasks stuck it in to the hive got it past the queen time to catch a buzz to make this pain stop while i avoid the fuzz the narks at work, cant control it even if they wanted to stop. i dont want to hurt. this was a metaphor for the endless rut of a reality ive become accustomed to; succomed too, the low of the low. comparable to a german trench on the frontlines., my life feels like a conveyer belt, makin the same product running the same direction never really goiong any where, now thats was an analagy, keeping up? yung unsensitive how many? 0 fucks, 0 fucks giveen, 0 blights forgiven, spiteful to death and mornful for noone, nothing left inside just another no-go, malfunctioning product family be like feeling “ i feel like they robbed us” of our brother our son and our friend , dont worry fam im still with you in your hearts up to the end. im tired of our society with all its malice and fallacy, thinking to my self how sad it must be, to be washed in the brain to be hypnotized, this shits so insane.you want that shit super sized? of course nigga watchu you sayin. A glutonous society obsessed with self indulgence people actually still believe good people are in abundance. Speaking of which, fuck the people for a tec, have you looked around lately, this earth is a wreck, mark my words we headin straight for destruction, We are not being good care takers, we fuckckin actin so careless what doesdo the opeople in power really expect?? just pass it on to the next generation “ohh, its not our life time we will leave it for you” Thats a big fuck you to the generations after you undeserving self entitled fucks finallyy croak. get the fuck outa here, tell me when you sold your sold, you heartlesxs bastards would give anything for xsome more of that paper thgat rules all, the pressure you have put on everyone, no one is an exception, to support ourselves and loved ones to provide for our own and multiple other peoples nees, the urge to make money looms over our heads like a pestiliant storm cloud of angst and uncertainty, boreing a fucking whole in our moral, making peoplpe desperaate rising crime rates because people get desperate, people need to survive and they will do dam near whatever it takess to make the money they need, for whatever purpose.  ill whipe my ass with it throw in your cards i will win you better fold. i have freeedom, you ask what? anominity you fuckers, i can moldd my own life i have the freedomm of choosing, i certainly dont have to wait for legislation to pass a bill which you bribed for votes to do so anyways, to do something something much worse than im capabloe of ever doing, intentionally ruining the environment and turning our planet to mars just for paper with and idea (with a “hey, take our word for it, its worth something “””WE PROMISE”””” fucks) behind it not even gold bars, fuck you niggas mark my words illl bring all you mother fuckers down, ill run you fucks out of town, you hear that sound? its a train. its my passion and my determination to take you out, maybe ill use a fuckin plane? i mean its o.k. for the CIA to do it, right? Create this ridiculously elaborote ruse this plot, thyat fucking fooled all the ignorant and brainwashed americans you have already sucked in with your cancerous propaganda, kids lost to your bullshit through social media and the fucking criteria you make teachers teach young minds, we are taught from a very young age that “ huraaahh america is number one! Terrorists bad! Environmental destruction of a planet good!” how about we help some of the third woorld countries (which you know we wouldnt have to be gunning down women and children in the streets) we could just like give them the water they need? help them gentrify there communities teach them how to develop better skills, teach them more efficient ways to take advantage of their land, maybe bring some seeds to food sources that can be grown creating a bit of self sustainability that may not be indigenous but would grow in their country?? you greedy fucks just want oil, when we have enough in our reserves in alaska/canada to last north america 500 years falsey blame others, create an imaginary war “the war on terrorism, which infact is a fucking cover a false entity, to entice patriotism to loosely keep this crumbling empire together the last attempt, the only thread left in the button holding up the pants we call america, you forgot to tell the word all that shit is just whack  [ simply a meticulously pplanned and executed ploy to spur interests in the middle east, control the oil and power will return back east, return to u, Cause god knows you tax the fuck out of us for EVERYTHING especially mnother fucking gas, so we can pay for wellfare and pay for fucking solar power for rich fucks who e==inherited wealth, people who hdont know what working a day means and never will be, never had a problem, never been broke “oh shit my fucking croket set is missingg a ball” lose the pretense fuckers, you cocksuckers, arrogant low lives.. Money makes you any better then the hard working man that cover your tax breaks pay like our fucking ppolice forces (who are a bunch of ROTC drop outs with a badge and sense of power nnow being unfair and crooked taking some kind of revenge on the idea of the kids who picked on them all through out school” Motherfucker its harder to become a plumber, the learning and process is longer/more rigorous then a 6 month police academy which is fucking my lil pony world ( ith ink there is a fantasy kids show for my lil pony with their own fantasy dimension/world)compared to a military bootcamp.  A doctrine instilled to stop the spread of communisim wherever and whenever it may presenet itsxelf? when is the fighting going to stop in that area of our dying earth, thjey have been fighting eachother since lifes initial birth, what whoever was in power or in charge of trading the petroleumn to us wanted to charge an extra dollar 4 dollars  aBARREL instead of 3??? whaa you fucking greedy cunts,? so we invade and take control put there people on dog collars?? for wshat a dollar difference in productionfreedom of speech as you mothers suck the livlyhood from our home like a blood sucking leech, so careless, you know exactly what your doing, you just dont care it aint your problem your headin towardcs the end your death is brewin, well im the reaper of death cloaked in black i always get my man like a cold inwe can hardly co-exist and efficiently function. We are on world one love bob marley shit im getting tired of going throught the motions im all fucked up inside and shit. Early development can be a lynch pin. to either set a strong first corner stone, ceremonial placement of the first corner stone, free mason shit, corn and vegetable oil, so many customs and traditions are goin down a fuckin hill catch em rollin. Early  life is so fucking critical for a young kid, childrens minds are like a sponge they are looking up to their elders they are developing mentally they consume everything around them and retain more than you know, give your kids a healthy and stimulating environment and they will let there talents grow let there talents show let there brilliance flow let there inhibitions go, gone like dust in the wind, never catch em in trouble nothing, not one sin. They will begin to get older, be super organized, super focused for school, every class haxs a folder. As you watch them grow you will feel it in your heart you will fuckin kno, atleast you did this at least you used your parental guidance for good. when you die you know youll be missed, your kid dont throw fits, not one bit, hes such a chip off the old block that was cliche as fuck haha tuck em inh for bed his forhead you kiss. I just might fucking shed a tear, I cant fight this urge to drink a beer. I cant deny this fucking fear, I must look like just like headlights shinin onm a deer, jock strap aroun d my ankles, dumbfounded, look in  my eyes, perplexed, look on my face as it hits, you get a certain taste in your mouth this race is coming to a close suddenly your filled with doubht, seriously you should be care free, yuou did your duty as a parent, im jealous wish that was me, chill the fuck out go drink some fucking relaxing tea or something, sobrietyy seems to be a good mixture along with love and rationality to make a family function like a well greased machine, like a mechanisim freshly whipped down with some white lithium grease. tuned and ready to go, temped to huff the fumes and left everything go, turn your car on shut the garage door, let death grip  you, dont seem to care anymore, I cant change the past and i have no regreats, will i make it to thirty? “right over here people!” “place your bets!”, ill take my tickets to my Life Show and just scalp em make some extra cash, im already absent, so detatched;incapable of feeling. even if im there aint nothing going on emotionally in there (guarantee you im smilin an nodding i really dont give 2 fucks no more”, take that money right to the plug i promote fucking drugs not hugs, or why not both? why does the saying have to be one or the other when sxometimes its both you desire the most. Take the scalpin’ money from the tickets to the play of my life, go on down to the hood, pick up some bags mis amigos habla “Drogas” los hermanos tambien, this urge is hard to fight. Its a romance [a ritual of being, so0mething un explainable i wish i was never a part of, im always metaphorically bleeding. My poker face is strong, fuck showing weakness i alwayxs thought it was to show emotuion. wrong....... but its not, it can save your life, can \get you through, throw you a life jacket, get you out of that tide you fought, that frigid water no warmer than dry eyes.. Ive always been a loose cannon, I go with the flow, not lookin back, been chillin with the old heads they were suprisxed i could hang and, back to the point haha literally or figuratively is the question... im not gonna keep you waitin or leave yall hangin, i hate cliff hangers, make me wait 45 five minutes leave me jonesin’ its slow goin like grindin that ‘crete in the hangers polishin’ that baby out and coatin with some apoxy, its a process, i just get my drugs, whate=vers around and hit bangersz til i pass out, thatsx how my life has been goingg, i feel like im in the chambers just waiting to be gassed out. Flip the fuuckin switch you fuckin pussy end all this malcontent and hate, make itt black, eternal reest at loast.. dress me up real nice maybe a sharp vest, go through the processions and go through the motions fucking burn my body bitches, i want to be in the ocean ive always felt drawn to it, like an unexplainable,, unatainable unfakeable feeling or notion. im happiest sippin a coctail right by the ocean,  thats where you put me to rest... ill be pissed as fuck dont treat me like a fucking ruck; i beenn aroound, age is but a number, my knowledge is  vast and profound, ya thats right bitch im fuckin educated, know more tthan you will learn in your life time and im 20 years, old get what im sayin? i dont got a big heaad im actually humble,  just at my  breaking point. if i was a volcanoe you would feel the rumble; the pre-emptive signs of an eruption pre-determineed in the creator’s mind he took his divine time to find a wayy to grin away the time it took to find the book i bind when al i want is to be stress free and unwind but im the opposite wound up liike the grandfather clock i wish i could stop , the wheels are in motion the gears are set to full speed the feels keep comin i got this itch; this notion, this inkling to stop minglin, stop wastin my time with u useless fuccks. i think its time, its not the end my journey, just started this epic tale of sorrow, my feelings have departed, im fuckingg frozen over colder than ice, dry ice. cant touch me im full of hate and vice, addictive personality on a suicide mission like a ffucking missionary willing to die for his faithh,. i wish man willing to be a martyr for his religion.. ya bitch i smoke stoges in the hotel room just send the  bill to him if it comes to me itll end up in the fucking rubbish bin with a looggie on top coughin up brown shit to young for that talk, to young for heart disease pack and a half a day to try to keep my miind at ease, the stress is buildin im like a tickin time bomb, im so wound up like a clock rigged to blow mount vesuvius, a test nuke... the alarm is soundinn off. A  bright flash like a million lightning strikes, bout to pop off.. but atleast with style got my limited eddition nikes, listen to me i soound like them, listen to me bitching like a fucking fem, bottle it up, thats what society saays, male suicide is at an all time high like two polar opposites due to wed, its never gonna work im always going to be sad im always going to hurt, no fuck it, im a lock it up and throw away the key, im gonna forget about all this shit and be a fuckin G, be hardcore like the brothhers, leave bitches cryin in the street like aall our fuckin mothers, 32 degrees ferenhiet tatted on my left pec it signifies the tempture of my heart no longer warm and red, its frozen over, it hardly beats, that shit is smaler than the grinches, i turned into what they want me to be, a danger to society, getthe fuck outa myface before i shoo,t b, I got nothing to lose, living for nothing, nada, goose eggs nigga dont give a fuck reckless, no regard for life i dont give two fucks a partridge in a ghetto street, aint no merry christmas song, i like my biches thick and dirty wearin'n some fesh tomy thongs, i use em abuse and enthuse them then ruse thm excusse them fuckin confusethem "why you so distaant all of the suden" keep the vow of silence, like a monk on a holy missio, a friar on a divine quest, sending telepathic messages look into my eyes and see, get the fuck out i was never real these feelings meant nothing to me manipulator, manipulationist making up woprds never been a relationist, the masster of his craft a ventrilliquist or a puppet master you were to blind to see, mama was right just a socio path, ya bitch tell your 7 year old child that; see how long his chipper attitude lasts, im lower than nothing, not even a worm maybe i could bbe a fucking tick suckin blood, noting left of the kid i used to be, no more self worth, i cant love you when i cant love myself, how you expect me to support you when all i do is grab a spoon andd melt all the money thaat comes my way, a junkie, bum destined for an early  death and you think yous my bride to be, sorry hun you reaad me wrong, i know its hard cause bitches never know whats goin on inside my head, as i lay in bea,d staring off to somewhere, anywhere but next toyou, staring off into space thinking about my drug abuse, asking myself why, but i know the answer ready to die, but i think ill get a lapper frm one more danceer, i wanna go out in style, not som lame shit maybe go up to a mountain and stand on a cliff, look down, see wher im destined to end up as i take the safety off, finger carressing the trigger, a cool wind blows as i prepare to leave my loved ones bitter, surprised they sstayed aound thislong only ever let em down ever since i was young, never good enough always disappointing this rap comes so easily writing it like noothing, to get this off my chest as theend comes near, i shaped my own destiny i chose to die, now i chose to die here, fuk your beliefs and your faith in gods plan i took my life intomy own fucking hands, i think we all know einstiens theory of insanity, i been doin the same shit fr so long now exspectin shit to change and, i guess im insane.. i took my brilliiant, my sharp mind and put it to waste. its time to pull the inevitable, the good die young idk in this case if thats viable, im scummy i did whatever it took to get my fix to kill that pitt  in my tummy. i hurt people close, i stole from my famil.y.. its time to end it, like i caqme into the world, by myself always alone, soemthing that my father toldme that really stuck, its cynical as fuck, but he was right. he said stay out of the bullshit the groggy muck. Only lookout for yourself son, ive been arounnd awhile, [people dont give a fuck about anyone else they care only for themselves, in the end at the most critical time they will always choose them instead of some one else. We are alone in this wrld and its the hard truth jut learn not to ddepend on others while you are still in your youth, ive been fucked over to many times by people i thought i was very close to. now im out to get mines me and only me you and only you, get that fucking look on ur face sorry for beeing real and telling the truth, im trying to prepare your for whats ahead, im tryig to prevent you from depending on a brutus who will fill you with lead, stab you in the back for their own personnal gain, being to trustworthy is a heroic flaw like being egotistical, wanting to help your friends to much, being aragont ect. kryptonite to super man pease dont be batman and let it be yourr bane, bane as in the villian to let you know. im back, here are my words again not my dads, ji really do miss all the relationships i had, havent spoken to my dad in years tookk one for theteam stayed with mama dukese inj the ssplit to save faace, foir my innocent younger brothers. you know what shes also my motheer, shes not capable of surviving alone i didnt think i would abandon her ever i thought id never do that, i stuck with her out of evveryone, a family oof six she looked out for me in times of strife wish i could give her one last kiss, just shot my last 20 and i fucin missed, absesses dont matte any more i bet this 45 shoots true time for the finale,  no way i can miss, as the curtains close on my young life one last thought people really took to me, like white on rice, women were drawn to me the mystery i had them enticced, June baby as a cancer i am hard to understand i met a chick once who had a spot in my liifes bnd, she knew me we had a connection so much love we were never disrespectin im glad i could atleast i could teach hersome shit before she ripped my beeating heart out of my chest and stepped on it. Loved hermore than life and i still do i promised her one day i would find her and marry her, walkher down that isle say the words ido, she felt what i felt i know its tru, wasnt ready fgor commitment baby i wil alwayslove yo never orget you if i can i connect with you, like a disease i infected you i aways broght you downi was just baggage extra wait holing you down dragging around im glad youo saw through my snake charming ways saw me for who i was a bumm who couldnt change noot in a short number of days, someone so crippled by pain and grief it was beyond belief, she was the only one i wore my heart on my sleeve for , she lef me sobbinig, crrying violently without end in the door the doorway to more pain. i know she had no choice she had to live her lifee i was just in he way, i was obscuring her focus. eye on the prize isthe only way to achieve your goals and tnt them fuckin boulders, in your way, today i die babe, long time comin bet yall thought i was here to stay. baby l dontshed a tear kno i died drinkin a beer haha but nah you were my last thoughts thinking about all the time we spent getting lost in eachothers eyes and gettin so close we read eachothers thougts, illl miss or idk if ill be concious or just nothjingness, i guess ill fnd out when i finally stop being a pussy and proced with this, see ya velma ill always be your shaggy thinka bout me and dont forget what i made you see, in your self im just another memory on our shelf but let it bbe one thaat sticks we had somethingthat made ssense just clicks somethin that felt so right im really gonn miss, everythinig abnout you im sorry you couldnt trust me but i dont doubt why. i know the truth ive never denied a thing in my life, dont getme wrong everybody tells a little white lie, but you know what its a sign of intelligence not to be afraid to say idk not to lie for the hll of it. Ill see you soon in the nxt life or two i hope reincarnatiuon has a possibility of being true, godbye cruel world th ride is over it was a hell of a whirl, i leave you with absolutely nohing conntributted i was just a part o the cancer people had to live with, butnever acknowledgedd, acted ignoant to ther surroundings as daddy paid for college, i burned bright and hot and had a lot of fun, i had alot of life experienc got alot of shit done, nothing productivee of course in ssocieties eyes but i did fullfill atleast some personal goals, important things in my eyes, the curtains are almost done descending as my pittiful life is ending, but keep your pitty mother  fuckers i dont want shit from any of you i dont give yoou nothin dont be so self righteous you look like a bunch of fools, greive for me or celebrate my life i guess its on you how you chhoose to rfemmeber a nobody that nobody knew, a couple feet before the curtains drop, is that? myy eyes decieving? me? no i do see that a single rose descends from the skies, i stare intently at the work of art, a rose is soo beautiful, a representation of love, from the heart, so delicate with its velvet petals, easily ruined a boket wouldve been nice, but who am i fooling, thats a beautiful thing, that was really nice. the product bubbles as i take my last hit of ice, cant takemy eyes off that rose.. its so beautiful... the gun on my forhead now, looking at each individual pedals.. dew from the early mornin forming a small puddle around that naturral phenom, that iconic organic, spectaacular symbol of sometthing real, somethin that matters, something sensual. 

As the bits of his brain splatter behid him, arms spread; with grace, almost angelic.he falls off the ciff a hundred feet now for falling, weird but there was a look of peace in his eyes; on his face, maybe he wll finally find happiness.. he fell with nobility and so much grace the floor he hit, his finall restingplace, what cuold be a better box then a natural setting, a  beaauty of nature, crawling all around and he will return to the earth, the mother wll  take him back just as she gave birth, i thinnk this shit is over now its not my story to tell, inside voices kids no reason to yell. shhhhhhhhhhh. 

dont depend dont believe the [enter here]

[lesoleilxjulien]

life in pink: the aftermath.

TBH Jerome probably tries to tell him that they should stop in a small moment of clarity. Against his lips would he murmur "we shouldn't-" but the words die in the back of his throat when Juliens hips move and their tongues brush together, his mind turning hazy again. and oh my god. He'd realize and Jerome is still asleep but on the verge of waking up- the sun melts through the window panes and into the bedroom and it dances in front of his eyelids forcing him to awaken. Jerome's vision is all blurry with the aftermath of intoxication burning the edges of his brain and it takes a while for him to realize Julien lays next to him. And that Julien lays next to him /naked/. It dawns on him that something happened as he looks at him and it happened in a drunken haze when self control was at a minimum. He'd tense, instant regret settling right in the pit of his stomach. Like he tries so hard to keep Julien just that bit distant. He already treats him like someone he loves, he already allows him to get so close, the lack of physical intimacy kept him from giving the full package without saying I love you. Because he knows how he gets when he is intimate with someone he loves. He knows he gets talkative. He knows he pours everything in it. And he never wanted to touch Julien like this because he knows things would shift. The teasing and tension behind their friendship wouldn't be just friendly anymore, or, be pushed to friendly skinship, it would mean something then, something different. He'd be faced with the dilemma of not being able to tell him he loves him but also unable to assure Julien is not just another name in a sea of many, that he's special. He'd be faced with the question if Julien wanted him, just his body, or he regrets this mistake. But now it happened and everything he wanted lays far forgotten in the moments of blissful intimacy his drunken self experienced as now everything unwanted hits him like a stack of bricks. He can't remember much in the moment. He doesn't remember how far they went, what he said, why Julien allowed it to happen. He just feels the sting of scratches on his skin, tastes the flavours of liquor and /Julien/ on his tongue and it gives him the questions his hungover head is not able to handle. Oh my god. Jerome would want to bolt out of the bedroom so fast. Like his hand would slide off Juliens stomach after they'd have this staring contest that wordlessly says /this shouldn't have happened/. And he throws on some boxerbriefs, wanting to escape. But either Julien calls out his name or he just turns around and he stops. Freezing just three steps away from the edge of the bed. And he looks at Julien. "What did we do." WOWWW. ok OK. I FEEL PAIN. (also sorry not sorry but i thought. during it jerome tells him he loves him but its against his skin and its muffled and julien is too consumed in rolling his hips and he's way too drunk to hear. jerome forgets he even said it as a groan rips from his throat and sORRY nOT sORRY) and wow. Jerome leaves for Indonesia a few days later and if Julien watches the honeymoon episode he just gets greeted with a Jerome who looks totally out of it. He's not himself. Or, well, he's not his public self. And it's strange. During the days in Indonesia he pieces together parts of what happened that night too and even though he can't place everything, he remembers how he felt. He remembers how Julien felt. Scenes of the night flashes through his mind during the honeymoon, leaving him breathless. And oh catch him zoning out during activities and Jiyong having to pull him out of it. MULTIPLE TIMES. And Yoonah was there too and she's known Jerome since before debut and he's acting really weird and wow? He seems a bit emotionally charged. But omg yes. Marie is that extra scoop. It gets their feelings going. The fact that Julien got upset he went home with her makes him wonder but his mind immediately tries to get rid of those thoughts. He gets scared and defensive. They almost end up fighting because no answers are being told. (also extra. during the talk with Marie something happens eye emoji and.. he compares Marie to Julien. WHICH FUCKS HIM UP SO MUCH because Marie was always the source of his comparisons, always having others not being good enough, not being /her/. and now /she wasn't him/ HEAVES Jerome almost breaks down in her hotelroom then.) Oh and would the last day of Tokyo sleeping together thing still happen? Because that would fuck with Jerome even more. Its a different kind of intimacy and because he can't admit to himself Julien might want him too, he doesn't know what to think of it. He just knows his mind goes to the negatives. Jerome just wants to tell Julien to stop doing this to him bUT HE CANT? BECAUSE IF HE DOES HE'D ADMIT THINGS. and then Indonesia and Julien wants to talk about it and Jerome doesn't. He wants to avoid like he did around the phone call but they are forced together by their companies, they have the song together, their hotelrooms are probably small spaces apart and Jerome gets frustrated. And omg. what if it slips out. Jerome gets heated. Julien pulls and pulls because he wants to talk it out and "Julien, don't do this to me." omg. and oh it just dives into ANGST and thEY JUST HURT EACH OTHER. BECAUSE ONE CANT ADMIT SHIT AND THE OTHER IS STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE FEELS AND WOW IM CRYING. also ok literally the ash/jerome thread got me so upset bc it's all so intertwined. Jerome pushes Ash to hang out with Julien more, Ash questions Jerome how he could be so sure Julien doesnt want to be his. Meanwhile Julien is just wakes up at 3am /ouo my spidey senses are tingling./ no but honestly. If they ever find out from each other that Jerome is Zhiwu and Ash is Taki RIPPP bc if i look from Jerome's perspective he really goes IN on his descriptions of Julien. Plus the pronoun dropped. He doesn't have many friends to begin with and no one is as close as Julien. ITS ALSO FUNNY THOUGH. bc Julien is someone who brings him back to old Jerome sometimes because he's in love but feels comfortable. And Julien is ALSO someone who brings Ash back to his childhood and those old memories like damn Julien is a time machine. also. look. Lena. imagine if Julien ever stayed over and they are fast asleep but Julien awakes from the buzzing of Jeromes phone bc Ash is texting him and the screen of the phone just says something vague about Jerome's love life and its gone before you know it because the screen locks again and darkens the room once more. omg.

That sounds about right. Julien would hear that and wouldn't even pay attention to it, he's too far gone already. If there was any part of him that was coherent, that part would have told him to stop before he ends up making a big mess, which is what he's already doing. But that next morning... Julien feels horrible, to say the least. The liquor left him with a gnarly hangover, his head spinning a little and the light slipping in through the windows too bright for him right now. He feels like his limbs are heavy, and his lower back has a dull throb to it that he hasn't felt in a really long time. He's had one of these mornings before, usually a signifier of a really great night, but this time around, he's feeling dread pool into the depths of his stomach. He's hoping that the gaze he's going to meet isn't one of pure regret, and that alone worries him to the core. Julien's frustrated, because he's wanted Jerome this whole time, but not like this. He regrets it, but only in the sense that he did it before even letting his feelings be known to Jerome. And he starts to project all these things, especially from their first meeting and the way Jerome said he'd have to try something extra special. He shouldn't think that far, but it makes an appearance in his mind, and he tosses it aside before it festers. And looking at jerome, he sobered up quickly. He'd be speechless, tongue tied, his dizzying mind trying to get his mouth to open but no words are coming out. They both believe it shouldn't have happened, but they both think that the other has that feeling for a different reason. And Julien tries to say something, but Jerome is already clambering out of the bed, and that's enough to have him so afraid that /okay. Jerome regrets it. This isn't what he wanted./ he'd try to salvage it, sitting up in bed as the sheets pool at his hips and he has such a scared and anxious look on his face. Jerome sees the disheveled hair, the bloodshot eyes, the marks and bites scattered all over Julien's neck and collarbones and chest. "...what does it look like we did?" And his voice is hoarse and he looks... there's a look of disbelief and regret clear on his face but it's aimed toward himself more than Jerome and UGHFJJFJFJFJ. (wow okay fuck me up. Julien also drunkenly tells Jerome how much he's wanted him but how he doesn't want to fuck it all up) Julien would probably hole himself up in his apartment with miso and edi. When it comes to things, Jerome is Julien's confidant, but what happens when the situation is about Jerome? Who does he talk to then? Cue Julien calling Jisoo and crying his eyes out about it while Jerome is in Indonesia. He'd watch the episode after Jerome gets back and he'd pick up on it, but he's not sure if it's bc there's a shift in his head or if Jerome is actually affected by it. He'd probably text Jiyoung and ask her to keep an eye on him. He's a mess the next few days and probably even cries to the cats. Yep. Marie is the one that ends up being the catalyst. Julien and Jerome really end up nearly fighting because Julien is crying and not explaining everything and Jerome is crying and not explaining everything either. Julien isn't asking the right questions either. Instead of asking if Jerome and Marie are together and the rumors are true, he asks if Jerome went home with Marie (to which Jerome's answer is not the answer Julien wants). When Jerome answers him, Julien doesn't even want to talk at this point ("why does it matter what happens with me at this point? You have a girlfriend now, don't you?") which of course sets off Jerome because Julien doesn't know what he's talking about, but it's also not completely Julien's fault either. And they either they argue or sort out enough of the mess that it puts them on speaking terms again. (BIIIITCH I'm screaming over Jerome rn my poor son) Also for that last day, it can still happen but we'd have to switch things around. The calendar for the event had everyone heading back to Korea at night right after the concert on a red eye. So they could have slept together beforehand and went to the concert then slept on the plane or they could have ended up at the airport together and on the plane and after landing in Korea one of them goes home with the other to sleep. But we could go either way! And the next few weeks after that Julien is just throwing himself into work. He's released a song with sooyeon, and then there's the song with Jerome (but for plot's sake we can say they worked on this song beforehand? Unless we plot something out with it), and he's releasing another song with jisoo soon too. But Indonesia is going to be a mess. With just the two of them, there's a lack of buffer, which frustrates the hell out of Julien and he just wants things to be okay between them. He misses Jerome so much, and if Jerome doesn't answer the door, best believe Julien is going to sit outside and threaten to make a scene unless Jerome lets him in. IM ALREADY SAD IN ANTICIPATION OF THIS. UGH OK BUT I READ IT AND I AGREE. Julien wakes up at 3am and those big ass ears of his are ringing ok. He just looks around and blinks wearily before curling back up in bed next to miso. But tbh Julien just makes an off-handed comment like "wow Ash is someone making you hang out with me or do you just miss me?" bc he sees ash more. Oh god. And also from Ash's perspective he doesn't have many friends from childhood and Julien is the only one really. And then you have Julien sitting there all ouo/ Julien is forever a time machine ok he likes to bring people back to how they were when they were happiest. It's his little skill uwu omg RIGHT. Julien just blinks and looks at it. Or if instead of Taki, the phone number shows up and he's just blinking like /why is Jerome texting Ashton?/ but he's half asleep and it disappears and he sighs before flopping back in bed and /I'll tell him in the morning/

Oh my god. I just thought about it. And Jerome basically chooses this. Julien gets drunker quicker and normally when he gets a bit handsy Jerome always stops him, has self restraint. Even when Julien is on his lap moving slightly and Jerome feels like he’s about to break, he just quiets him down with arms wrapped around his waist and chin on his shoulder, telling him to stay put. He always keeps his resolve. He always stops drinking when he’s metaphorically half way through the door, even if Julien continues. And now, he doesn’t. After the blurring of lines he hears no inner voice telling him he should stop anymore. Instead of staying just that bit sober his lips find the rim of the bottle with the auburn liquor that knocks the sense out of him. Depending on who it is that initiates the kiss, Jerome could’ve stopped either of them. He could’ve turned his head if it was himself leaning in, he could’ve leaned back. If the heat of the moment already had their lips touching Jerome could’ve still stopped it, bask in the sweet taste of them but stop nonetheless. If Julien leaned in and pressed their lips together he, with every fibre in his body telling him to relax against the pillowy lips, could’ve stopped it. But instead he licks into his mouth, his hand curls into his shirt on the small of his back just so he could instinctively press him closer and they seal their fate. Jerome might later on think he took advantage of the situation, something he didn’t want to do. He should’ve been responsible. He should’ve stopped. Julien already drank himself into a hiccuping mess on his wedding day and that same tension carried over when he entered his home. He should’ve known. He should’ve carried him to his bedroom when Julien neared his undressing phase, he should’ve laughed when Julien tells him he’s not tired and that the blankets are too hot, he should’ve pressed a kiss to his forehead before leaving him to fall asleep on the couch. He should’ve done what he normally did. But he didn’t. And the repercussions are imminent. 

It was a rhetorical question. Or maybe just a question to himself. /What did they do?/ They crossed /that/ line. Jerome still can’t wrap his head around it. He still can’t pinpoint when rationality got thrown out of the window. He just knows he regrets it. So much.   And now with him standing he feels so cold. He misses the blissful warmth he felt when he was not yet awaken. With his arm slung around Juliens waist and his nose nuzzled up against his shoulder like he belonged to be in his arms, his scent being everything he wants to be engulfed with, but he couldn’t return now. He couldn’t climb back, be pressed up against the warm nude body again because things are different now. They woke up. So he just stands there, looking so vulnerable half naked in the boxers he grabbed haphazardly to cover himself the most he could as before sliding out of the bed. He just stares at Julien when the question gets thrown back at him, the hoarseness of his voice sending a deadly shiver down his spine. /what does it look like we did?/ His eyes slide over his neck, the marks on his skin contrasting so beautifully like they’re meant to be there. And normally he’d feel pride. Though he doesn’t mark easily, he sometimes does it to tease the girls he’s with, to know they have to walk in embarrassment to the make up chair and have the artist cover it up. But as his eyes trail down his neck it looks like he had a purpose, like he wanted to claim him, like he wanted to remember what its like for Julien to be his. And his hazy brain shows him, shows him how aggressive he had been with his kisses and his biting, like every mark on the softly tanned skin was him proclaiming “You’re mine.” without verbally saying it. He remembers the way Julien had been gripping on his hair then, allowing him to leave the red and purple bruises on his skin whilst the elegant fingers uncurled from his hair, slipping over his neck only to end up digging half moons into his broad shoulders. He almost chokes, a faint noise heard from the back of his throat as he stared so intensely, a stare that would leave anyone selfconcious. He says nothing in that moment, just stands there looking like a mess himself post intimacy. It’s a rare sight, the morning after, not many people getting the chance to see it but it’s beautiful. The sunrays pouring through the window melt like honey on his olive complexion, showing the signs of love making clear on his skin. Somewhere in the depths of his mind where the romantic and the hedonist meet, he gets told to bath in what had happened. Their true nature comes out when they get drunk. Filters disappear when they get drunk. Julien was his when they got drunk. It was real. It was raw. But he’s too terrified. Eyes fall onto Julien expression and they mirror each other so well, both regretful, both scared, both so uncertain. But the fact is that both of them can’t know what the other is thinking. And false truths get formed. He reads his expression wrongly, and it breaks him.

Blanching, the subtle red hue that stays on his skin after alcohol and sex drains completely. The regret that lingers on the visage, that normally blossomed flowers in his chest, feels like it’s knives digging straight in his heart. Why is he regretful? Is it because he got drunk and slept with his best friend? Is it because the endless flirting ended up in disappointment? Was he not good enough? The uncertainty throws him in the negatives. Strange was it, that if Julien was looking at him with nothing but love and adoration, he’d be just as scared. Just for another reason. “It looks like-” As soon as he starts talking the words die in the back of his throat. He can’t say it. He can’t say what’s on the tip of his tongue. His aching head isn’t letting him. Eyes tear away from Juliens face, but not before they flashed with something Julien was unfamiliar with. Fingers run through the dark brown locks atop his head as he looked at anything that wasn’t the source of his affection and his troubles, his Adams apple bopping up and down to swallow away the rest of the sentence he couldn’t vocalize, replacing it with a harsher one. “-Like something we shouldn’t have done.” It hurts to say, but wasn’t it true? They shouldn’t have. And the sentence contrast so much with the way he was last night. When every fibre in his body said he should do it. When he was so sure of pouring everything into it, into loving him and having him and making him shout his name. So hungrily, so needy, like he’d been deprived from it for too long. With their mouths bruising from rough kisses that would betray if they could watch it back, their bodies molding together like they’d belong against each other, their voices vocalizing their most inner desires and hidden truths about one another and it all felt so right. But now..

Jerome turns around when the words left his lips and the pretty red lines that ran down his back in fives where still so vibrant after the nights sleep, connecting all the unique moles that kissed his skin with one another. He’s distraught. He remembers telling Julien to be his special someone, he remembers Julien suggesting to be his, to marry him even, but just for a song. He remembers slowdancing through the livingroom with Julien, head on his shoulder and fingers intertwined as he sang, just to him. He remembers the kiss, pressed so unexpectedly but so welcomed and needed and the second their mouths connected all he wanted was to keep tasting, like he had nectar on his lips. And Jerome lets his tongue swipe across his lips nervously, breath almost hitching when he did, like he still tasted Julien on them. He feels like he’s suffocating in the room, even with his body turned away from Julien he could feel him and it breaks him apart. He feels stupid. He feels scared. He feels like he betrayed himself again. Don’t fall in love. He finds Julien. Don’t let people get too close. He has Julien. Don’t do anything stupid. He touches Julien. Don’t get intimate with him. He kisses Julien. Don’t love him. He loves him. Oh, he needs to breathe. “I-I’m getting you some aspirins and water. Stay here.” He tells him, genuine care mixed with excuses to leave the room heavy with tension and regret. As he walks to the door that leads outside of his bedroom, Julien has the chance to say something if he so pleases, the month younger male stumbling to the door with a way too clouded mind. What he wanted to vocalize was left unsaid but it rang more true than the words of regret that escaped his lips after observing Juliens skin. /It looks like… like I loved you/ W O O P S. WELL. WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I REGRET. I REGRET. AS MUCH AS JEROME AND JULIEN. I’M CRYING. (but- ohmygod. Catch Jerome’s hips stuttering or his teeth just biting down a bit harder onto his skin when Julien says that, admits that. Because he has this weird thing with being wanted and being unwanted because of everything that happened in his life and to have Julien tell him that he’s wanted him, ohmygod Jerome almost comes right there and then lbr here. It’s canon that Julien can break him by either telling him he loves him or telling him how much he wants him btw. Like it’s powerful. BUT OHMYGOD THOUGH Jerome remembers this when they are arguing together and Julien just says something with the word /want/ in his sentence and the night hits him like a stack of bricks. He hears Julien tell him that he wanted him between the heavy breathing and the sounds and oh shit Jerome ends up kicking Julien out of his hotel room)

Oh my god. I’m in so much pain. Would Julien name drop? I don’t think he would but I gotta ask because wow if he did that would be messy. Like. Jisoo is Jerome’s company mate they see each other often and it would be.. oh lord. The visual of Julien crying w the cats though I’m so pained. The only person in Korea he could talk to would be Ash and he’d probably blow up the poor boys phone with it. Freddy is also someone he could talk to be he suspects too much already. If he comes online saying a friend had sex with a friend he’d just “So you finally had sex with the love of your life huh?” and he cant have that. But, in Indonesia he’d have this odd conversation with Yoonah who thinks he’s trying to hit on her again after years of him not doing so but he’s just needs advice. He asks her something along the lines of /what if we got really drunk and fucked right now. how would we fix it./ and he knows whatever answer he gets wont help because Yoonah isn’t Julien but he needs to talk without explicitly stating he made love to Julien in a drunken haze and now he feels hopeless. They don’t talk for a few days, maybe Yo. I’d feel like they’d argue. Like. A lot. Because neither of them are that smart when heated. And all this tension just builds up and up with the moments of not speaking to the avoiding to Jerome going home with a way too pretty French girl (from Dax’s descriptions “He totally scored. She was eyeing him the whole night. He even ditched me to talk to her privately somewhere and lord knows what they did there.” and the photos of them walking almost hand in hand to the pictures from a disheveled Jerome leaving the hotel like an hour later) after proclaiming their night together was something they shouldn’t have done and wow. They need a cooling period. And that cooling period are the last few days. But then. THE AIRPORT. (also. YES. IM WRITING IT NOW AND I WANT TO CRY 1000000 TEARS)

Ok. But. They are both exhausted after Tokyo, physically and emotionally because damn these poor boys. They half avoid each other with silent glances during rehearsal and the concert. They bump into each other at the airport and even though they’ve seen each other, it feel like they haven’t. Both look so drained Jerome doesn’t fall asleep on the plane in this scenario. He stays awake and Julien tries to read his book whilst glancing at Jerome sometimes whilst Jerome has his earbuds in listening to an album (literally if it was out it wouldve been Joji’s In Tongues but XXXTentacion’s 17 is angst af too.) whilst looking out of the window. And if they sit next to their managers they just glance at each other sometimes, gaining eyecontact before breaking it because emotions spill. But if they sit next to each other their arms bump sometimes, their hands do too, and these subtle touches are accidental. or maybe not. And it allows them to look at each other with reasons. Jerome mumbles a sorry. Or Julien does. But their hands don’t migrate. They stay put. Their fingers crawl together until at the end of the plane ride and they are even more tired than before, their fingers are intertwined. They are too exhausted to think clearly when they get off the plane and end up driving home together only for Jerome to crash at Juliens (Jerome’s bedroom is tainted now. cries. Let’s taint Juliens.) and because they’re so tired it’s all so soft. They don’t have the energy to be angsty or frustrated against each other. Jerome suggests he can fall asleep on the couch, or Julien offers his bed to Jerome. Just- they sleep apart first. But they miss each other. They can’t fall asleep. And Julien ends up crawling next to him on the couch or the bed because he misses him and he can’t sleep. Jerome couldn’t sleep either even if exhaustion is pulling his eyelids shut, he wants to be hold by Julien. They lay there nose to nose and in the moment it’s all so innocent. so serene. Julien mumbles stuff in his sleepy state and Jerome listens. He’s so calm listening to the voice. His hands rest against Juliens chest and Juliens arms are around his waist. With a single kiss on the forehead followed by their noses brushing together, they fall asleep. WOW And Jerome wakes up first hours later when the sun melts through the blinds. He notices he’s not in his own bedroom, he notices two arms slung around his waist holding him tightly against the warm frame the arms belonged to, he feels the warmth of breathing against the nape of his neck and its Julien. Alarmed he goes to check under the blankets, it can’t happen twice right? Not drunk on alcohol but drunk on exhaustion. But he relaxes when he sees the sweatpants hugging his waist but tenses at the sight of Juliens hands locking just on his abdomen. He turns his head, barely able to see Julien but he catches a glimpse. And he looks heart-achingly beautiful, all disheveled hair and calm expression with still the faint tan that carried over from the summer months when life was good and Jerome lets out a quiet gasp before turning to face head on again. He swallows, squeezing his eyes shut and decided not to wake Julien, not to remove the arms around his waist and slide out of bed. He decides to stay put, pretend to be asleep until Julien would wake up. Because, that morning after the drunken night, he regretted waking up. The warmth had been so nice, even if the dull pulsing of a massive headache made itself known in his dreams. It was so nice. And even if it’ll hurt so much if Julien regrets having him sleep over, he is listening to his romantic side now. Bath in it. This serene ethereal moment undisturbed by real life problems. RIP i’m SO SORRY.

But.. what if they worked on it beforehand (because Jerome wrote part of the song and came to Julien originally for him to sing it and it ended in “Let’s sing it together.”) but had to record it afterwards- and its tension city in the recording studio because the topic of the song, and everything happening, and them unable to speak to one another normally. BUT ITS RAW AS FUCK. LIKE. LOOK. THE CONTENTS OF THE SONG. Jerome messes up way too many times when he looks at Julien, his voice breaking, but then, one take goes flawless. Because in that take he realizes he’s still clawing at the sun. He still lets it melt his wax wings. He still falls but wont give up because he fell in love with the sun. NO IM REALLY SORRY. looks at the live version of Icarus and sobs because JB looks like he’s in his own world and JEROME. BUT. Jerome is busy with his new album and he goes so far into it. (im so interested whats its about bc it has Revenge in the title and im eye emoji x100 dean pls give my son something i can work with) they don’t see each other at all (#rip birthday headcanon ur safe in our hearts) and then indonesia. just them. they have to talk. And okay Jerome is like being stabbed in the heart from all sides but deep down he just wants Julien to make it better, like he always does even if he doesn’t realizes it. Oh my god though. Cue Jerome anxiously watching the door like /i cant talk about this NO/ and daring him to say anything but when julien takes him up on his dare he just opens the door and pulls him inside ohmygod iM CRYING. I CANT. OUR BOYS. OUR BEAUTIFUL BOYS. BIG ASS EARS. BIGGER THAN THE SUN. I love this sm. Like. Ash influencing Jerome to snatch Julien up and Jerome influencing Ash to hang out with Julien more whilst Julien is just o3o hello and they are just oblivious that its them doing it and im crying.

AGAIN. ok but. cue the slow motion Ash and Rome turning to Julien before looking at each other and back at julien like “holy shit.” the day. It’s funny too that Jerome lit hates Daeun for NO REASON other than her sounding like Marie (is he the worst or nah?) and kind of being friends with Hansol after a rough start of him basically insulting Origin after his smtm thing. jfc. It’s all connected. and look. can you feel my love from across the oceans for julien rn. because im radiating. He’s my soft lil son in law and idk what to do with myself. When Julien is actually the sun because sunshine makes you happy. Julien Shin, Korea’s personal vitamine D supplement ;u; oh my god though. if he not yet knows its Ash and Julien sees the number and asks Jerome. Jerome just. “Ash texted me?” and checks but he still has Ash’s old number saved as Ashton and he never calls him anyway so he just doesn’t put two and two together when he sees the texts from Taki. “Getting my hopes up for a text from THE Taeyong and I get disappointed. Tsk Tsk Tsk.” He says as he messes up Juliens hair-

oh god this hurts me. this hurts me so much holy shit. And there have been times that julien gets like that when he’s drunk. those times where he plops himself in jerome’s lap and “don’t you want to kiss me?” mumbling while his hands clumsily card through jerome’s locks and jerome has to just rest his chin on his shoulder and hold him. julien challenges him too often, but there’s a playfulness to it that’s different from this time around. this time, he’s clear about his desire instead of teasing. he’s drunk but he’s wrapped up in jerome’s arms and in the moment and “i’m your special someone, aren’t i?” murmuring while leaning in closer until they’re barely millimeters apart. “won’t you remind me just how special i am?” he’d breathe out, breathy words against jerome’s mouth before julien moves in to continue the kiss. and jerome doesn’t stop him, but julien wouldn’t have wanted him to stop. julien wants jerome to be his, has wanted it for longer than he’d like to admit. he’d love to blame his lack of sleep and intoxication for his actions but he really can’t, because at the end of the day this is what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the way he wanted it to happen. and even at jerome’s wedding day just having jerome close to him like that had julien drinking himself into jisoo’s car to get him home. all these times that julien flirted with him while drunk, every time that julien hinted at wanting jerome. that one time that jerome finally didn’t push him away, with arms wrapping around him and guiding him toward the bedroom, there’s a part of julien that for a moment wonders if jerome will still want him after that night. all the senseless flirting and lingering touches and eye contact… would jerome still want julien when they wake up? a drunk julien is a genuine one, brutally honest and doing things that julien has wanted to do but never had the courage to do so.

as they stare at each other from across the room, there’s a lot that’s going on in both of their heads. julien’s gaze runs from the way jerome’s hair is disheveled and sticking out in different directions, down to the way his skin looks in the morning light, and at that moment julien is already worried about what jerome’s back is going to look like the second he sees it. julien doesn’t even realize just how marked up he is, but he can feel that his lips are sore, possibly bruised from the way they were kissing the night before. while julien can’t remember minute details from the night before, he can remember enough to know what happened. the way he asked jerome to be his, the way they danced in the living room, the way he dared jerome to kiss him, and how one thing happened after another. julien can even remember moments in the middle of it; the way he let his head fall back against the pillows to bare his neck at the other to mark up to his heart’s content, the way his fingers clawed at the other’s back with each thrust and mark on his skin, even the way jerome’s mouth was right up next to his ear, nibbling and breathing hotly in his ear between words. as much as julien regrets this happening in a way that he didn’t have any control over, he also regrets that he can’t remember every touch and kiss. but he waits, wondering how jerome is going to answer him. he’s not quite happy to hear jerome’s response. /like something we shouldn’t have done/. it’s one thing for julien to think about it, but for him to hear the other say it has him feeling some type of way. “…yeah. something we shouldn’t have done.” he’d reply in a soft murmur, fingers absentmindedly playing with the sheets in his lap.

it feels like there’s poison in julien’s system, making it’s way to his stomach and working into his system. those words that jerome spoke felt like daggers piercing through him but he can’t figure out why he’s so hurt. he thinks the same thing, right? that it was something they shouldn’t have done, but then again for jerome to say that implies that jerome regretted it. that in itself has julien’s breathing getting harder to do. his heart seizes, his breath catches, and his head drops down for him to stare at his fingers in his lap. he sits wordlessly, trying to fight the tears from welling up in his eyes as he realizes just how badly this turned out. with jerome out of the room, julien finally works on climbing out of bed, feet hitting the floor and room starting to spin but he just wants to get out of there. he can’t stand to see jerome looking at him like that, saying they did something they shouldn’t have done. it doesn’t help that his clothes are scattered all over the place, and he exits the room wearing his briefs and the first shirt on the floor, probably jerome’s. he haphazardly buttons it up as he exits the bedroom, the buttons not even aligning with the openings on the shirt, but it’s a shirt and it’s something he can walk out with. he makes it far enough to pass the bathroom where jerome emerges, and julien is mumbling quickly and “i-i have to go… just drop edith off on your way to the airport,” he’d crack out, voice hoarse still from the night before. “have fun on your honeymoon.” and he’s saying this while avoiding eye contact but he just needs to get out of there. (oh god. when julien actually confesses that, he truly means it. he can’t quite figure out when the moment was that he realized he loves jerome, but he can say that the moment he first wanted jerome was when they first met. while yes, he’s wanted jerome in a physical way from the get-go, a simple attraction to someone, it’s only been recently that julien’s wanted all of jerome. he’s drunk and doesn’t quite articulate it more than saying he wants him, but when he’s sober and he finally realizes that his words truly affect jerome, he starts to be more vocal about it. he’d go into detail about how much he loves and wants jerome, talk about what he’d give up just to have jerome to himself, how selfish he wants to be with jerome because he loves and wants him so much. but they’d be arguing in japan in jerome’s hotel room about the situation and jerome won’t tell him anything but tell julien he’s misunderstanding the situation and julien just “what do you want from me, jerome? what do you want?” and it stops jerome dead in his tracks, the sound of julien’s voice resonating in his head and BREATHES.)

nah, julien wouldn’t name drop. he’d probably cry to jisoo and he wouldn’t be specific but just “i fucked up so badly, i don’t know what to do;;;;” and he’d try to keep it as vague as possible. ofc he’d probably just lie in bed with the two cats and looking at edi and “i’m sorry i took your spot in your dad’s bed last night… i really shouldn’t have bc now i feel like shit.” but omg imagine julien ended up crying to ash instead and ash is just somehow getting both sides of the story OH GOD. but tbh julien just needs to try and talk himself through it and as great as the cats are, they don’t exactly provide advice, they just listen to him. and julien already knew that they weren’t going to talk much while jerome was gone bc he would be filming, but even after he returns there’s only a super brief conversation between them when jerome comes and picks up edi from julien’s place. and since then it’s just small talk between them bc they’re best friends but they’re also in this strange territory with their relationship. they’ll message each other once in a while to say hello but that’s about it; they don’t go into their deep conversations like they used to, don’t spend nearly an hour on the phone talking about everything and nothing at the same time. it’s as if they do’t know how to talk to each other anymore. and it’s the japan trip that nearly breaks them because of marie. the marie situation provides both a trainwreck but also a way to salvage the relationship. there’s so much arguing in tokyo, especially with julien losing it over the fact that jerome left with marie but also jerome refusing to explain anything to julien.

by the end of the trip, julien is so exhausted, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. they didn’t speak for the entire day, and even during the rehearsals julien just went and did his performance, then got off the stage. when jerome passed julien just backstage, julien looked at jerome with his facade in full force. usually, he saves his genuine expressions and smiles for jerome, leaves his polite public image behind for the other, but this time around it’s just a simple, polite smile. the smile looks perfect, but that’s exactly what julien doesn’t do with jerome. and it happens again when he gets off stage during the concert, only keeping the expression on his face in case anyone else is looking at them; he has to keep up appearances, despite his current mood and situation. but at the end of the concert, they’re already en route to the airport and julien probably hopped in with the other soloists or with element or something, too lost in his own world. there’s his facade up again, a black mask on his face and tired eyes behind his spectacles. and the entire plane ride is tense to say the least. they end up sitting next to each other, their managers suggesting they do because they’re best friends and also promotes the bc/gold star partnership that everyone wants so badly. but they sit there, jerome with his mask and headphones while julien is curled up in his seat trying to read. he can’t seem to focus though, his eyes are skimming over the pages but he’s not comprehending any of the words. at one point, he just closes the book and rests it in his lap before turning off the overhead light and staring out the window, not caring that it’s pitch black outside. the thing with the red eye flights is that most people are sleeping on the flight, but julien can’t seem to sleep, even though he’s so tired. when their fingers gravitate toward each other, julien lets out a sigh before dropping his head to gently rest on jerome’s shoulder. as their fingers intertwine, julien can’t help but give the other’s hand a squeeze. it’s a faint squeeze, but it speaks volumes. despite the fact that they aren’t talking, julien still cares for jerome more than ever. when the plane lands, julien lifts his head from jerome’s shoulder, giving his hand one more squeeze before unraveling his fingers and rubbing his eyes. they end up at julien’s place instead, simply because it’s closer to the airport, and jerome’s had his own toothbrush and clothes at julien’s place after spending a lot of nights there in the first place. jerome insists that julien sleeps in his bed (”it’s your bed. the best feeling after coming back from a work trip is sleeping in your bed.”) while jerome sleeps on the couch. but twenty minutes pass before julien emerges from the room, turning on one of the lamps in his living room and heading toward the couch. approaching where jerome is lying, julien lowers himself to the floor at the spot in front of the couch, folding his arms on the kitchen and resting his chin on his forearms to look at him. he’d reach a hand out, fingers gently running through jerome’s hair “there’s room for two people on the bed… please?” mumbling softly. he wants to continue, to say that he sleeps best with jerome next to him, but it’s one of those things that can remain unspoken for now. they end up under the covers in julien’s bed, arms wrapped around each other and julien’s sleepily mumbling about how much he misses jerome and his eyes are just watery from exhaustion. “i’m tired of fighting… i just want to be with you, why is that so hard?” and he’s nearly asleep to the point that he becomes way too honest just like when he’s drunk, but it’s the last thing he says really, before he ends up falling asleep. when julien finally wakes up the next morning, eyes fluttering open, it takes him a few moments to remember what happened the night before. despite it being late fall, it’s late enough in the morning that the sun is filtering through the window, rays falling upon jerome’s dark locks. with a soft sigh, julien would lean in, lips gently pressing to the nape of jerome’s neck in a soft kiss, before pressing one more kiss and closing his eyes once more. he just wants to relax and recover from the past week of events, and it feels like he’s just waking up from a nightmare.

i like this idea. like jerome brought it up to him before the whole mess that was life in pink. like maybe over the summer before they did the we got married thing. because i’d imagine them to still be happy and affectionate as ever but before they started to cross the line. because life in pink happened right after the wedding and they definitely had that cool down period between jerome’s honeymoon and the triple fantasy concert in japan. maybe they started working on it a little between the honeymoon and concert in japan because it’s still tension and the hookup after life in pink is still pretty fresh in their minds. and it takes so long to get the song recorded bc they both are trying to avoid the other especially since it hurts too much for both of them to continue acting like nothing happened that night and that their feelings aren’t obvious. jerome messes up and julien has a hard time focusing because of the lyrics behind it and he seriously wants to just confront the situation but neither of them are in the condition to do so just yet. and in one moment, julien begins to sing his part, fingers clutching to keep the headphones snug over his ears as he stares at jerome head on from in the recording area. like he’s staring at jerome so hard while he sings his lines, daring jerome to break the eye contact as he continues to sing. but when they finally finish recording the song, it’s super awkward and quiet between them and julien packs up his things before “…are you okay getting home?” he asks, voice unsure as if he was searching for a reason to speak to jerome. (ALSO PLS I ALREADY KNOW THIS NEW ALBUM IS GONNA BE LIT AF BUT ALSO @ ERIC NAM WHERE IS THE NEW ALBUM??) julien probably gets really fucked up on halloween and sleeps through half of his birthday bc he’s not really feeling it this year and wants to stay home. BUT. indonesia is going to be a m e s s. at that point, it’s been radio silence from jerome for a long time and julien is actually hitting his breaking point. he couldn’t stand jerome not talking to him when the phone call thing happened, and this is so much worse than that. julien misses jerome terribly, and while they ended up just going home together after triple fantasy just to sleep, their relationship is in a state of flux and there’s a lot of push and pull. there’s the cover that they do for the mbc song festival, which is already tension bc it’s after triple fantasy and they’re not exactly great yet bc of the marie thing. but indonesia happens literally those next few days and it’s after icarus releases and they haven’t even talked since then and julien’s just beyond frustrated. jerome finally yanks julien into the hotel room and when the door closes julien looks at him while breathing and he lets out a sigh before plopping down on the floor. “i just want to talk to you. please. i’m tired of this, jerome.”

MY BABY’S BIG EARS. when julien sees cute little edi he gets smitten with her because her ears are big too;;;;; okay tbh though? jerome would come over to julien’s and julien and ash are sprawled out watching ‘your name’ and jerome plops down on the couch with them and ofc jerome is curious and asks who chose the movie and julien just “ouo this is ash’s favorite movie.” and they’re continuing to watch but jerome is just like /ok interesting/ and later on when the movie is over jerome asks them how they know each other and “us? ash and i have known each other since we were kids, actually. we still try to hang out, even though ash here has the busiest schedule ever” and jerome is starting to piece it together. julien just “let’s hang out again sometime? i’ll start a group text ouo” and right as he sends the messages the pair just stop and look at the group chat and who’s in it and “……….” IDK I STARTED THINKING ABOUT THIS BUT IT’S HELLA CUTE ; W ;