#im a little drunk im having a good time :-)
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me if uhhhh me if you uh if you reblog my art and give me love and attention
#hi welcome to chilis#Im like drunk-tired or something#im feckin exhausted m8#i need to slep#but my brain hates me sigh#(me who desperately wants to do something creative but doesn’t have the time or energy)#anyway uhhhhh points tho my art tag ->#complaintsconcepts#might delete later because i am a sad little creature who just really likes when people like my things#i wish i made better art that people would think is cool like all these cool amazing artists that can actually draw good things#(says the guy with the lowest self confidence on the planet)#anyway I’m drawing an updated persona because i finally figured out what I want the design to be#yes it is the halloween clown version of my slimesona#because i love it#(unfortunately what colours to use— i do not know)
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stinky ❤
#boyfriend to death#lawrence oleander#btd lawrence#hehehe im at my friends place i used their scanner#i havent drawn in a while but im kinda happy with this one :)#im a little drunk im having a good time :-)#my art
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again ‼️#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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Whiskey your jrwi pd quiz may have just single handedly convinced me to both A) go on walks again and B) listen to jrwi pd. I just think you should know that
HELL FUCKING YEAH DUIDE OPJH MY GOD KOZZAX I AM A LITTLE TOO TIPSSY TO PROPERLY ADDRESS THIS BUT OH MY GOD. OH MYT GODDD if you get into jrwi i will love u forever and ever its so fucking good. jrwi pd is a patreon only campaign but i CAN get you the youtube playlist for free kozzax just let me know if you want it i will absolutem get it to you holy shit DUDE PLEASEE WATCH PRINME DEFENDERS ITS SO FUCKING GOOD!!! IT WILL CHANGE YOUR BRIAN CHEMISTRY FOREFVER AND EVER!!!!!! its justa silly fun teenage superhero sitcom dw nothung bad ever happens in prime defnenders!!!! <<me whnen i lie
#ITS SO GOOD KOZZAX PLSSSSS PLS PLS ITS SO FUCKING GOOD#IT ALTERED MY BRAIN PERMANENTLY#whiskey yelling into the void#friend tag :3#also i am so sory i have NOT been on discord 2nite i still wanna talk abt ur wv fic its SO FUCKING GOOD I LOVE UR WRITING SM#but again. LITTLE TOO DRUNK FOR THIS IM SO SORRY#tipsy whiskey posting#<<<<time to break out thayt tag for tonight
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Goodnight wonderful people who live in my phone!!!
#im sappy and you guys are so cool ;-;#im a bit of a hermit and really bad at meeting with (or moved far from) irl friends so my connections on here have been really meaningful#dont know how to say that without sounding like a loser but i promise its a good thing lol#but anyway i queued a post earlier today about friends thinking of you all the time#and i kinda just repeated it in my tags and ill probably just repeat it again now but its true#there are so many mundane things that make me think of the kind people ive met#i love bonding about interests and characters but theres also little peeks of each others lives#jokes and facts and songs and favorite animals that make me go 🫵 my friend likes that!!!#and dates! ill be like 'oh my friend is doing X today across the globe :)' 'ah i hope my friends X went well across the country :)'#'i remember they love this food/hate this food/has never tried this food :)'#'i remember them talking about how much they like this song :)'#'oh i learned a new saying like this in their language :)'#i hope they feel better from being sick#i hope their pets vet visit went well#i hope they got a good grade on that project#i hope they can rest after work#i hope theyre happy with their haircut#i hope they can dress like they want soon#i hope theyre happy#i hope theyre happy.#i hope theyre happy i hope theyre happy i hope theyre happy!!!#oh shit. cryin in the club. (<- my bed.) not even drunk or hormonal just SAPPY WTH#i have to keep up my intimidating and stoic reputation!!!#so goodnight!!!!!!#i love you!!!!!!!!#rose rambles
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it’s running concurrent to my headcanon that. well. the universe is so lacking in constants for the doctor, and if it’s after he’s experienced the loss of a companion, he’s not going to go have tea with someone else he once travelled with and had to leave behind.
it just makes sense to me, that he’d go seek out the master. especially if he’s barely restraining himself from making bad choices about breaking fixed points in time and causing paradoxes. and he’s right there, playing harold saxon for the world to see, and he’s right. there. the doctor can just go and see him whenever he wants.
#im talking around this being the result of amy and rory dying alsjdkfjks but yeah. yeah that would push him to this.#the master is. its complicated. but he’s someone the doctor can rely on to be. to be the master. which is to say: awful. and familiar.#and the master is someone he can hurt. someone who it feels safe to hurt because that’s what they do.#it makes sense to me that he’d go looking for him just to be the biggest nuisance he can be.#barely upright sitting on the master’s desk. he has to choose to be drunk and oh boy is he choosing.#insulting everything he can think of from the master’s world domination plans to his terrible generic office decor.#breaks down into a giggle fit about the master being blonde (which he keeps trying to explain and failing to and that just leaves the master#annoyed and confused.)#and the thing is is like. this is Extremely concerning behavior from the guy you’ve basically chosen to revolve your life around opposing#and fucking with. i dont think the master would comfort him. especially if he knew the doctor was this broken up about human companions.#but i also dont think he would kick the doctor out.#talk with him under the excuse of gettingn foreknowledhe to change his plans and secure his victory (which he doesn’t end up doing. come on.#and attribute his victory to the doctor’s own help? however inadvertent? humiliating.)#eleven is equal parts angry and morose and clearly trying to bounce away from feeling both of those too deeply by going back to telling the#master that his dye job was shit (again. not something that makes any sense yet. but give it a year and a public restroom and the master#will be cursing him under his breath.)#weird little guys. weird bonding for them. i think the doctor should pass out in the masters office and the master puts him back in his#tardis and programs it to fly him somewhere far far away in time and space.#saying good riddance to himself. he could have made it fly into the sun or something. (or tried. doubt the tardis would let him.)#but he didnt.#anyway give it amonth or teo and im sure twelve and thirteen also have traumatic expeirence that could lead to them commandeering the#master’s office again. a man just wants to take over the world and his office is filled with drunk sad doctors. and now they’re also sad#because of future hims. really. its a mess.
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well seeing someone you love a lot break down into tears to the point where they can’t breathe is kinda jarring a little. i haven’t stopped thinking about this alllll week and now every time i am alone for too long i get a little out of breath thinking about it because it feels so heavy. really wish i could take some of ur pain away it hurts that you’ve been dealing with this since you were a young child and it hurts that some of us got away unscathed and it hurts that i had it better but still am ungrateful and it hurts that there are so many people who love you now but the people you need to love you the most don’t love you at all and it hurts that no matter how much love comes into your life it will never undo years of damage and it hurts that you’ve lost so much because one man decided you weren’t good enough for him to love
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alcohol tasted AWFUL to me the first 21.5 years of my life and then this past christmas break sth clikced and now suddenly.... i like it. and I'm enjoying that i like it and NOW am enjoying drunkenness almost every evening (im much less of a lightweofht than i look but much more of one than i like to think) and im wondering if maybe i shld be ..... concerned.
#this is me off a bottle of mikes hard lemonade (5%) and a few sips of barefoot moscato (9%)#'more of a lightweight than i look but more of one thab i like to think i am' is .... VERY generous lmfaoooo#anyways. in the past i wouldnt drink except socially & to get drunk but i couldnt stand the taste so id just shoot everything#but some family members are more Alcohol Connoisseurs and sth clicked christmas and im like Damn ......#also walmart has this cheese filled garlic breadsticks. Cole's breadsticks. AMAZING with wine amazing stuff#anyways all that to say i get drunk like thrre nights in a row and may be sorta scaring myself telling myself im on the#Alcoholic Slippery Slope but also .... alcoholism = slippery slope#i dont get drunk schoolnights tho/nights i gotta be up early in the morning and i have a l8 start tmrw so i can afford to have#a little few sippies which go a long way#but yea. ig if this continues too much & interferes with school or work itll be a problem but im sorta just psyching myself out rn#i can have a good evening without alcohol but being a young adult living alone paying most of ur own bills and then getting drunk 3 nights#in a row bc u CAN is ..... scary ghe first time u do it ig#hm i shld tag this#alcoholism //#addiction //#also those breadsticks + wine + PHILOMENA CUNK. great evening to unwind. i DO recommend to all.#also i gotta keep searching cuz i lost a very beautiful & expensive ring today its gold & sapphire i got it 4 mysel#but im letting the boy from work who j love who i got him a job bc i love him think its an engagement ring bc im OVER HIM#but yea i lost it todah & am kicking myself because its VERY beautiful >:-((((#fuck da police but im gna see campus pd tomorrow. ive filed claims w a bunch of offices on campus so PD is the last stop + they may be able#to pull up footage bc its likely someone stole it. :///#n e wayz#back 2 cunk on britain
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HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE I HAVE TRAPPED IN MY BASEMENT look at this seal
#i would do a vent about things but im a little bit drunk and have no fear#have a good time!!!#or the best we can at the moment#silly squeaking time
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anyways i got sidetracked from what i was originally gonna post. now that im off my medication for the foreseeable future (with minor exceptions like whenever my mom shares their adderall with me) ive become more acutely aware than ever before exactly how genetically predisposed to addiction and substance abuse i really am
#krav talks#im actively craving alcohol at any time of the day#and only after i got drunk ONCE#the cravings arent severe but its more of like “man drinking would make me feel so much better rn a drink sounds so good”#sorta the same as basically craving like a donut or something#ive experienced this before with smoking when i was like 15 and stole a pack on my mom's cigarettes#i would have a smoke every morning when everyone was asleep but never developed a full addiction bcus i literally forgot where i put them#but that nicotine craving has never gone away#and ive kept a close eye on it since then bcus FUCK being addicted to nicotine that shit is so expensive#i literally cannot afford to be addicted to anything i can barely buy myself shampoo rn#but if someone offered me a cigarette.... yeah i'd take it#im doin the same thing with alcohol rn. well im being a little more indulgent#bcus alcohol isnt as cancer-inducing as smoking#and its more socially acceptable#but yknow. keeping an eye on it. being self-aware of my own habits.#last night i really wanted to drink but instead i had like 7 coffees so im all good#oh im 100% addicted to caffeine honestly#for a brief moment when i was 18 im pretty sure i was close to an adderall addiction#but then i stayed awake for 72 hours that one time and heard people whispering my name and thought my food was made of maggots & ants#so i cut that shit out for the most part. my brain functions & sleeping habits have never been the same since then :)
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having ocs that are just for fun and dont have a real story behind them is both so hard bc i cant make cool music videos in my head with them but also its so fun bc i dont have to bother w any kind of plot i just think about my little fake people and their fairly mundane lives for hours <3
#97#im always like.#ughhh what if yayo and xeres are walking home from the same party together and yayo lets a giddily drunk xeres hold her hand and theyre#just having a good time wouldnt that be sweet..#what if klein after a long friday at work goes to the club on his own and he takes x and has a bad time and joy has to pick him up...#what if soona and xeres just hang out on the catch sometimes and gossip and when klein interrupts they keep negging him until he leaves.#i love imagining their little routines in my head <3
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sparkle on stampede saturday !
#i just left work. ough. i feel. so weird about it#i wanna get fucked up drunk tbh#like. i KNOW thats unhealthy and a bad idea but. i thikk i deserve this a little#im irish and didnt get to celebrate st patricks day im just making uo for lost time#<< for kegal reasons that is a JOKE#anywaym hiiiiiii have u guys watched the tristamp ep yet. sitting on the couch w u all#i havent seen it yet is it good. im avoiding spoilers the only thing ive seen by accident is.#knives floating??? good for him.#did we get our weird angel imagery. did vash become a biblically accurste sea creature. i sure hope he did#talk 2 me <3 *<"*>#kicking legs hands under chin etcetc#my brother is visiting and i got him to watch a couple episodes of trigun98 with me last night#and he LIKED IT.#so much so that hes been watching eps on my tv while ive been at work!@!!! hell yes#which is. HUGE for my brother befause he . quote. 'doesnt watch tv shows'#so. this is a win for me !!!!!#he hasnt met wolfwood yet. im so excited for his reaction to wolfwood omg.#he DID text me at work tho during epidode 6 to ask me about the plants ehehehehehehe. i was like. buddy you dont even KNOW#98 has the most TAME version of that scene imo. it gets SO much weirder in the manga qnd tristamp and i Love It#anyway. hi. im in a weird mood i wanna hang out w the mutuals. sits on ur dashboard. pay attention 2 me <3
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i think that it's gonna be oli's canon that he and asta did meet before the events of the game. like, briefly. and very shortly before, mere days
and, yeah, asta did try to seduce the guy and bring him back to cazador. but oli's hella insecure + he's demi. so like not really interested (yet) (i mean, come on, he wants to know how he could be into someone only five minutes after meeting) + he's almost willfully oblivious to flirting (and also thanks some timely intervention from a family friend! what luck!!!) so he's safe. barely.
mostly i want this big, dumb interaction where asta tries to be seductive and oli's like ????? the whole time. something along the lines of:
oli, trying to make polite conversation while waiting out the rain: so, uh... what's your name? astarion: whatever you want it to be, darling~ oli, not exactly unused to being flirted with but isn't exactly super used to it and doesn't want to make assumptions: is... is that elven, or...?
#i wonder. did astarion always go for seduction? or was he savvy enough with people to realize#that sometimes all he'd have to do is be like 'aw i lost my puppy' or some shit and he'd be able to get people#to follow him to their dooms that way?#because a sob story about a dying grandma or lost puppy or whatever#would have worked on oli far better than any pick up lines lmao#i imagine there'd be some points where asta was like 'nah this guy isnt biting. time to move on'#and then oli seems almost receptive which keeps him going#oli would in some ways be a perfect victim:#clearly far from home#clearly not of means#wouldnt take much digging to realize that he wouldnt really be missed should something happen to him#tho asta wouldnt be able to get him drunk. considering he finds all alcohol gross yucky#i have a rough outline of how the meeting would go#and the end of their encounter is almost sweet. if filled with intense amounts of dramatic irony lmao#basically oli's like 'youre a good person! :) im glad kind people like you exist in this city#bc the experience has sucked ass for me so far!!!!'#and astarion gets to sit there for a moment like ....what a naive idiot. jfc#he does (fortunately or unfortunately) find a replacement victim shortly after#idk. maybe it's a nice little respite for him to deal with someone like oli?#oli doesnt recognize him after the crash#im unsure if asta would recognize oli....#ship: blood sweat & tears (s!asta x oli)#oc: could it be this misery will suffice? (oliver)#to the void with love
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entering my mostly sober era fr this shit kindve rocks ngl
#🍒#i like to drink its fun but i drink too much and w out purpose. same goes for weed#i think if i didnt indulge in one or the other or both every night and only like once or twice a week. id be a lot happier :3#alcoholism OVER pot head era OVER#cant do the things i love to do most when im drunk or high all the time and it finally seems like right place right time for me to realize#i can stay up and read tonight…. ive been pretty much only reading at work bc its the one time i cant be drunk or high all thru out#ok. like my world just got a little bit bigger#i need you guys to realize how big this is for me ive drank like every night for the past year#also not Indulging every night will make the times i do more enjoyable#this is like. basic common sense but its like a revelation ive been working up to like i was a teenage alcoholic and an adult achie haulic#alchie hydraulic… that was gona be my joke. dammit…#anyways it feels really good to not be high or drunk rn usually i loathe it and hate it but rn. it feels like sunshine :3#uhm. this might be cringe but idc ! been obsessed w drugs and booze my whole damn life ! am finally realizing! having a moment here !#okay no more tumblr diary posts im gona. get some ice cream even tho its not my day off (when. i usually let myself have some) and im gona#read and have fun and eventually fall asleep very peacefully :3 good night tumblr
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club was not succesful didnt get to kiss anybody:(
#all i want when im drunk is to make one thousand new friends and kiss. and it did not happen this time:(#i have determined though. i HAVE to go to the goth club even if i cant get a friend to go w me bc i just. idk.#like the regular club is fun bc i go w my friends but. i do feel a little out of place there. i think i should try at least one time to#just go on my own to the goth club#idk the thing is obviously i would have to drive myself so i wouldnt rlly be able to drink. and i only feel brave and social on my own when#i drink. so going to the club alone is smth i SHOULD do#but in practice#................................................................#ok on the real i did have fun tn it was def a little chiller and i ammm a little bummed abt not kissing anyone esp bc there was a guy i#thought was cute who i tried to talk to but he did not seem to rlly be into me and im like. not greattt w rejection so that bummed me out#a little#but overall. i drank and danced w my friends. so rlly it was a good night<3
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its always like this. i wanna make a family bc i want a second chance to live things my family couldnt give me first
#every christmas this feeling becomes bigger#no gifts no christmas tree. a bunch of old people and me and my brothers isolating ourselves in the kitchen#old aunties leave right before they eat. none of that weird but fun family gathering things no drunk uncles making a scene no jokes#no cousins no traditions no secret santa nothing#my grandma makes everything by herself and nothing ever changes it only gets worse as she gets older and more tired of it#we used to have all of it when we were very little i still remember the magic but its been lost since long ago#now i dream of gathering my family at my own house and making that magical christmas happen again...#ofc this isnt just about christmas but u know. everyone's posting about their christmas and im like. ok... why is mine so boring and sad#if it wasnt for me we wouldnt even have played anything everyone wouldve just sit in the living room checking their phones...#im the one who's like lets listen to music!! lets play a game!! lets sit all together!! lets do something fun!!#and im not even sure any of them realize how im trying to bring family together and make an actual good time out of it lol#aunties leaving right AFTER* they eat oops that didnt even make sense jgbfj
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