#im a complete wreck mentally rn

[ecchigf]

[syn4k]

gods i wish i could participate in the strike for gaza today but this is the only full day we have in school this week and it's exams time. i already missed friday and i cannot do this again

[ryuichirou]

Replies

A bunch of shorter ones today, but first!

We posted two top-centric hc lists yesterday, and I somehow completely forgot to mention Jack in either of them 🥳 I am so sorry to Jack Nation and to the goodest of boys himself, so at the end of this post there are hcs about him on both of the yesterday’s topics… (I’ll also add them to the respective posts, obviously)

This weird oopsie aside, here are the replies:

feverish-dove asked:

THANK YOUUUUUUUU♥️ i don’t think you realize how happy that made me. i love speedpaints but when an artist takes the time to break down what they did so i dont have to try (and usually fail) to do so myself it just goes brrrrrrr<3 im soooooo happy rn. you and katsu are awesome

You are so very welcome!! ♥️

I am very happy that the post was useful and any of my explanations were cohesive enough to understand something. And I really love talking about my art process, so thank you for your question!

Anonymous asked:

I just wanna say i'm in love with genderswap twst headcanons and arts... Thank you for sharing a full course meal-

You’re very welcome, Anon! I am super happy that you’re enjoying these. Like I’ve already said, drawing and writing these are a treat and a national holiday for me lol

Anonymous asked:

I’ll break Idia, you say? Well, I did always want to wreck him… 😏

Anonymous asked:

You can't tell me what to do 😠

I'm swallowing your art whole as you speak

Anons are misbehaving… Anons are getting wild 😳 breaking Idia left and right and not chewing stuff properly!

I love the chaos.

Anonymous asked:

I also have an Idia plush and he’s cheeked up.

His clothes sold out though so he’s naked. I put a Nagito jacket on him to hide his shame i.e. his butt.

Damn Anon this is even better though. Imagine Idia with a Nagito jacket barely covering his naked body. This image is doing something with my brain.

Anonymous asked:

HELP do you have any thoughts on azurido??? its been on my mind since i saw Floyd say Azul (probably) wouldnt mind keeping him as a pet for winter (?) break

Indeed, Anon, here is the tag!

Oh we love that line from Floyd lol This whole scene happens so fast and feeds us with so much stuff that it takes time to process.

Azul absolutely wouldn’t mind keeping him as a pet… it’s upsetting that Riddle probably wouldn’t be much of a help at the Lounge (the main reason for Azul to keep pets lol) but knowing how much Riddle’s existence wounds Azul’s precious ego? He would get super smug with Riddle temporarily being his lap cat. Or a little chihuahua.

Anonymous asked:

I’m not sure why but I would love the idea of Epel talking about how girls are weak and then getting his butt handed to him by a girl in Magical Shift. The competitive, tomboy in me would be grinning like a maniac.

Epel absolutely needs to have a girl kick his ass, and it’s weird that he even needs this to happen to realise that “girly” doesn’t mean “weak”; just look at his meemaw and how scary she can get. I’m sure Epel’s mom isn’t any better lol

Anonymous asked:

I had a sudden thoughts last night

So coway au

But it's just Riddle riding Floyd in a cowboy outfit

Thoughts? 👀👀👀

Anonymous asked:

yeehaw 🤠

I wonder… if you two are the same Anon… maybe not. Maybe we just mentally entered a saloon somehow and now I am a sheriff.

To answer the first Anon, this would be insanely hot, and I feel like if Riddle is drunk out of his mind enough, he could do that. He wouldn’t succeed though, because riding a horse is one thing, but riding Floyd while being completely drunk is totally different lol But it’s the attempt that counts. Floyd is going to be very entertained either way. Or annoyed, you never know with him.

Alright, so JackJack hcs.

strap hcs for fem tops or if they even use them lol.

Jack could’ve been very good at it if someone made her use it, but I feel like she thinks that this is too obscene of a thing to do. It’s not like she’s prudish, but wearing a strap is a bit too far for her. Even though someone would probably look at her and think that it looked very good on her…

Based on that one post about the bottoms getting creamed up inside how would the tops react if their partners are demanding/begging for them to cum inside them?

Jack – he is probably the type to start thinking about pulling out when he starts to feel his knot growing, you know, being responsible and stuff, but if he hears his partner begging or demanding him to cum inside, his brain would shut down completely and he would go even deeper than before and fill his partner to the brim :( He would be very embarrassed of himself afterwards.

[n3hmof1sh]

That post u tagged me in (that I'm too lazy to RN lol but I love it) made me curious now

Do u have any kin mems of how you and/or the others reacted to the truth?

Our Sunny and Hero fictives seem to have trouble remembering but Kel definitely remembers what his reaction was lol (that post wasn't too far from how he remembered it. Main difference being he ACTED like he fully forgave both of them immediately bc smth smth "my feelings don't matter I should make sure my friends are happy over my happiness I need everyone to be happy forever even if I'm not" mentality idk xe's just severely fucked up ^^;)

I don't EXACTLY remember what I actually did but I do remember feeling just... really betrayed!! And like I was left in the dust. Mari was my other piece in a way and I thought it had been my fault for so long for not noticing any of the signs or checking up on her enough and then you tell me that the two people who've been completely wrecks and were the ones who KILLED her???? And LIED about it to everyone for 4 whole years??? No yeah uhm Im petty now and I was petty then.... I never forgave them....

I think mostly I just focused on college after that and kept my distance..? (dropped out of med course tho or smth and became an artist!! Bc fuck my parents!!)

Oh!! I remember nowww!! I never outright said whether I forgave them or not!! Kel didn't forgive them in the slightest and blew up, which... okay, yeah, that was a shock.... Aubrey was also shocked but forgave them and tried calming Kel down :0

Wow

Yeah I just quietly stood in the background bc I felt that Kel just.... needed to let his emotions out. Let the guy have a break and all that, yknow? ^^;

Ngl I left the room halfway during that whole thing (Sorry guys.... I hate conflict :'D)

Damn I wrote way to muchhhh

[magenta-cat-drawingss]

This is my first time asking anything but your the only bsd blog that seems to be active I struggle alot with hygiene mainly showers and brushing my teeth bc of my terrible mental health. I was wondering if you could do headcannons of how dazai, chuuya and atsushi would react to having to bathe their s/o since they aren't mentally capable of doing it sorry if this is weird I'm just struggling rn

Headcanons of Dazai, Atsushi, and Chuuya Dealing with s/o Struggling with Hygiene

-

Hello! First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I hope things will eventually get better for you. Take a break and just cool your head, you deserve to rest because you are a wonderful person who deserves amazing things. So, in the meantime make sure to take care of yourself, go outside, smell some fresh air, drink water and eat your favorite dessert, you're worth it believe me. So for you requesting something like this is not weird at all! In fact im so happy and glad that you've reached out to me to write you something to help you with your struggle, even though I don't take requests, but it'll be extremely rude of me to not write for you^^ This came out longer than I indented, but I had fun writing it!

Sorry if this is so late I got busy, I hope you like it!

-

Dazai Osamu

He doesn't judge.

He doesn't complain.

He’s simply just worried.

Well…”worried” isn't the right word, with how he's hovering over you trying to come up with something, he's quite hesitant of how to approach.

As someone with a bad routine, Kunikida scolding him on a daily basis, and Atsushi’s exhausted expression whenever he deals with his antics, and just being a complete mess himself, he has no idea how to deal with the current situation.

And you're the only one who would defend him, while he's standing behind you pouting like a big baby. Even if you know he’s the wrong one here.

And you always make sure he's taking good care of himself, and not drowning in a river, until a certain weretiger will go get him.

So that’s why he won't give up on you that easily.

Just like how you haven't given up on him.

And he’s Dazai Osamu for god sake he’ll always find a solution.

So he quietly approaches you, while you are sitting on the couch, hugging your knees and staring off at a wall.

He doesn't like that expression a bit.

He wants to see that beautiful smile that'll make him fall in love all over again.

So he gently places his hands on your arms and stroking them gently with his thumbs to catch your attention.

“Y/n” he called softly, “how about we go take a shower together? Filling it with rubber duckies and bubbly soap, hm?” he said as he continued stroking your arms.

You were hesitant at first, but with his warm brown eyes that's filled with nothing but love burying onto your eyes, you nodded slowly.

He gently tugged onto your arms, and pulled you off from the couch, and started your way to the restroom.

He opened the door and told you to sit on the toilet lid, while he prepared the tub and clothes so you don't have to wait and get cold.

You did as you were told, and looked at Dazai while he’s getting everything ready.

After he's done, he approaches you and gently asks if he can take off your clothes, and he’ll do the same afterwards.

You were, again, hesitant, not because you don't trust him but because the whole situation itself is nerve wrecking. But you complied anyway.

Once he took off your clothings, he ruffled your messy hair, which caused you to giggle a little and that wonderful voice made him smile brightly.

Once you both dipped onto the warm water, filled with plenty of rubber duckies and bubbles, and started to gently add water into your head and squirted your favorite scented shampoo onto your delicate hair.

He took his time, he wants to make sure you'll feel better after this.

And so, he started to massage your scalp and temples, until he felt you're leaning onto that soothing gesture.

After that, he started with your body, also taking his time massaging your shoulders, arms, and legs.

After he's done, he starts the water to remove all the soup excess, taking his chance in carding his hand onto your hair.

When he's completely done with you, he was about to shower himself. But stopped when he saw you turning.

“Let me do it for you” you said, nearly whispering. His eyes widened not only because this is the first time you're talking today, but you're also willing to do something for him when he's the one who's supposed to take care of you.

Yeah, what on earth did he do to deserve you.

When you saw that he was about to refuse, you raised your hand “its fine, am fine, i just…wasn't at my best state, but…” you looked at him, and his breath hitched.

You…smiled. “Having you with me right now is all I need now.”

“Y/n-” “and also you're bad at showering yourself, but hey you make such a great spa worker” you teased while chuckling softly.

Ah your back to your demon self.

He blinked, and shook his head and couldn't stop from smiling fondly at finally having you back. “What can I say, I'm many things, especially for you, my dearest” he smirked while playfully wiggling his eyebrows.

“You goof” you splashed on his face that made him laugh, and before you knew it, you were laughing along.

Nakajima Atsushi

He's fidgeting.

He knows that.

And you know he's standing there, looking at you nervously from a far.

He's just…so used to hearing your soothing voice ringing through the apartment, your wonderful laugh that makes him fanboy to Dazai so hard, and that beautiful smile that's brighter than the sun that he thinks that he might need to wear sunglasses indoors.

So seeing your current state, laying on the couch, all your limbs dangling on its sides, and just staring at the ceiling with no emotion, makes him extremely anxious.

As someone who used to live alone in that cold cell, all chained up with no one to comfort him or give him warmth, he definitely felt loved and appreciated ever since you accepted him with open arms.

You never saw him as a monster as everyone once said, nor are you disgusted by him.

You just see him as a normal teenage boy, who's trying to find a purpose of living.

Just like anybody else.

He may or may not cry a lot on your lap when you told him that, until he dozed off.

And now as he's thinking how much you were there for him all the time, from holding him when he had a nightmare, to cooking him his favorite meal, to showering him with all kinds of love that he deserved.

He wants to do the same to you.

So he frowned and shook his aggressively, before marching towards you with confident steps.

You were laying your head on the couch’s arm, so he had to lean his head down to look at you.

It took a few moments before you felt his presence, and looked up.

He looked at your eyes with a soft look, and said in a gentle tone as if not to scare you away, “y/n, what do you say about taking a shower with me?”

Your eyes widened slightly, he may be straightforward on some occasions, but when he bluntly asks for something like this, especially coming for him, was quite a surprise.

That look made his own eyes widen too, what caught your attention? When realization dawned on him, his face flushed and started to wave his hands defensively, “I- I mean if you want to, that is! I don't want to make things that make you uncomfortable! I- I can wait outside while you're taking it! Um…” he covered his face in an attempt to cool down his embarrassment

You couldn't help it but to snort.

When he heard that, he snapped his head back at you only to find a small smile towards him.

When you've made eye contact you raise yourself by your arms and look him in the eyes again, and say in a whisper: “yeah…i would like that.”

His mouth opened slightly, he finally heard what he missed the most and teared up a little before gently brushing your hair off your forehead, “alright, then.”

You held hands while going your way to the restroom, as you were taking off your clothes, he quickly looked at the other side, he was red from his face to the back of his neck.

You find the situation quite endearing considering how you two were dating for a while now, and you couldn't stop the giggle that came out.

When he looked back, he saw you smiling at him, with light in your eyes.

His eyes soften at the sight, “there you are.”

You got in only, since he already did his own showering. And he offered that he would give one to you.

Of course, he asked if it's okay, and you nodded.

And so you got into the warm water, and sighed out while leaning against the tub frame.

When Atsushi came back, he tapped your forehead to grab your attention, “can you raise your head a little?”

When you did, he opened the water to start getting your hair and body wet.

You were in heaven. Not only he was taking his time in massaging and rolling away any knotted muscles, but the way you can feel the amount of gentleness that was radiating from his actions, that you thought you might sleep right then and there

Once he was done he ran the water again to get rid of any soap acces. And grab a towel to dry your hair.

He couldn't help himself from ruffling your hair lovingly, and said: “I’m gonna get your clothes ready, wait here.”

He got up and turned, but before he could leave, you pulled him by the back of his shirt, which caused him to stumble backwards and fall into the water with a big splash.

The restroom was silent, only filled with dripping water from your lover.

Who may or may not look like a wet cat, that you couldn't help but burst out laughing at him.

He blinked a few times before looking at you with a pout, “y/n…”

When you calmed down, you sighed out and looked at him with so much love, “I guess we’re even now.”

His breath hitched, but nevertheless returned the smile, “yeah..I guess we are.”

And your laughs were echoing in the room.

Nakahara Chuuya

He dealt with something like this before.

He used to forcefully drag Akutagawa to take a bath in the hot springs, since the man would always refuse.

But the reason was different.

Akutagawa refused taking baths, due to the fact it was hard for him to activate his ability.

But this one…

Never in the beginning of dating you he saw you in a state like this.

Zoning out and just staring at something he can't see.

You always greet him with your bubbly persona.

Jumping towards him and giving him a good morning hug, or an affectionate hair ruffle for a job well done, or taking care of his drunk state. And just be an absolute sweetheart to him.

But today…

Seeing curling more against yourself on the floor, back facing him made his heart clench.

He wants to gather you up in his arms, but he knows he really shouldn't.

So he just…stood there.

Ugh! He's a ruthless Port Mafia’s executive! (and a charming boyfriend!) Why was this so hard for him to deal with!!

He aggressively ruffles his hair, not out of frustration, but because if you were to switch places you know exactly what to do to pull him back on his feet.

Oh, that's right.

You were literally the anchor of his life. The sunshine to his darkest night. The angel between the demons of his dreams.

And you did all that because you were being…you.

He raised his head slowly, and looked once more, you didn't move an inch, and walked cautious steps towards you, “hey, y/n?” he started.

You didnt turn, you just unraveled yourself from the ball as if you heard him.

He sighed out in relief, he crouched down and caged you between his arms.

When you saw his hand in front of your face, you tilted your head upwards just to find gentle ocean waves staring right at you, “what do you say about taking a shower with you? So we can snuggle on the couch and watch a movie together.”

Your thoughts might be clogged up, but the thought of snuggling up against him after a warm shower made your eyes light up, and the way his expression softens means he saw that. “I’m guessing you like that, hm?”

You entered the restroom with him picking you up in bridal style, he places you gently on the edge of the tub, and ruffles your hair. “Can you take off your clothes and settle in? While I prepare everything?” while rubbing soothing circular motions on your thighs.

Took a few moments, but you nodded.

You did as you were told, and hugged your knees while waiting for your beloved to come back.

When he did, he brought towels, and a spare of pajamas for both of you, and placed them by the sink.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, love” and started to run the water, “wanted to make everything perfect to make things nice and cozy!”

You blinked at him a few times, before hiding your goofy smile behind your knees.

He saw that obviously, and that made him feel giddy inside.

Once both of you settled in, you were leaning against his chest, while he was washing up your hair. It's soothing, it's relaxing, it's not hurried nor rushed, just perfect.

You closed your eyes, and it was closed even after he washed off the acces of the soap, that he gently started tapping your temple, “love? Are you asleep?”

You slowly opened your eyes to look at him for a second before nuzzling against his neck. “...let's just stay for a while” you whispered

And that…that was more than enough, hearing finally talking to him makes him wanna cry so badly, but he didn't. He just held you close and brushed away any wet stands of your face and gave your forehead a lingering kiss.

“Of course” his voice cracked, “thank you” you said while tilting your head towards him with a smile.

He smiled back with a soft smile, “anything for you, my love.”

[purplemanbehindtheslaughter]

scared- (alastor x reader cuz im a simp)

So, basically, you’re a wreck rn, literally having a mental breakdown for no fucking reason, but this has been happening frequently. You’ve bottled up your emotions for so long that they are now spilling out, and your room in being repaired, due to the last breakdown you had was anger, now it’s fear(should I make a fic on all of the breakdowns? This was based off of smthng that happened to be just now for some reason i was literally frozen in fear for literally nothing I was twitching so bad and shit idk why but im typing so frantically rn-)

You tensed up. You relaxed. You were twitching uncontrollably, and literally could not control your movements. They were frantic amd random, and you wanted to run. Run far away from... what, exactly? Why did you want to run? Why were you so scared all of a sudden? What’s gotten into you? You assumed it was another one of your breakdowns, but you didn’t know why they were happening. You’ve been bottling your emotions up for so long, it was only a matter of time until they all broke loose. But, for some reason, it wasn’t a random slur of emotions like most people. No, you were fine in the day, but at night, one single emotions would seize your body, and you’d lose control, awake, but it felt like more of a dream. Last night was anger, hence why you’re in Alastor’s room, who so kindly allowed you to stay with him while your room was under repair. But with the new fear-fueled adreniline coursing through you, you were entirely away, hyper-aware of every little thing around you. 

Suddenly, you were bumped slightly, which made you shriek and jump off the bed, only to scramble back on, not trusting the pitch-black floor at all, possibly even less than you trusted the very air you were breathing, and that trust-level was basically zero at the moment. You burrowed under a blanket, terrified out of your damn mind.

“Darling? Are you alright? You’ve been twitching and making random noises all night, and it’s not even day yet!” Alastor’s question, though not as loud as he usually is, no doubtdly from the fact he was “Resting his eyes” (You were dead convinced he was actually sleeping sometimes, though you’ve yet to hear him snore or give any real sign of sleep), but even still, it caught you off-guard somehow. Maybe being so hyper-aware was making you focus on one thing that you completely forget about the one thing in this room that could actually fucking kill you if he so wished.

“Y-yes, I-I’m fine.” You managed to get out of your mouth, which refused to work properly. He shook his head, grabbing you, pulling you close to him. He usually refused to cuddle, or literally be touched in general, but for your current mood, he made an exception. 

“No, you’re not. Let me help.” He started humming, which you were tense at first, it not helping your mood (Childhood trauma when you were alive), but eventually, your body had spent all its energy on worrying that you eventually just melted in his arms, relaxed (for real this time!). Right before you drifted off, you heard him whisper,

Something along the lines of:

“I love you, darling.”

[thddlston]

tw also for depression and mental abuse and pet/dog illness 

before i get on replies i just want to leave this here.

i am so sorry if i have owed you replies or have been slow getting back to you, i genuinely am just so overwhelmed with life, i feel like everything is falling apart. my dog has been on and off his death bed the past few weeks. i’ve been a nervous wreck the past few weeks and he went in to get surgery today on top of it for a completely different issue.

my car has been giving problems this week too. once i thought the car was fixed, it wasn’t. i had to drive two hours over to my grandmas to help her with her yard sale today and spent the entire trip in a panic bc my car literally started shutting down on me on the way. it died on me right as i was pulling in her driveway. now i’m stuck here until the car gets fixed, someone is working hard rn. thank god i have my laptop and chargers. 

anyway! sorry for the woe is me rant, im just so overwhelmed and my depression and anxiety are kicking in again. i’m trying my best 😔i’m going try to get through some replies and starters tonight but pls just bare with me if it takes me a bit. <3

[flowers-by-the-bed]

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

[j3girl]

GOD HELP ME GET MY DEGREE, JUST LET ME FINISH THIS. LET ME PASS ALL MY CLASSES AND NOT HAVE TO RETAKE ANYTHING ANYMORE. I’M HATING MYSELF SO MUCH RN. IM AT THE POINT NOW WHERE I HAVE PPL HELPING ME YET IM STILL FUCKING SHIT UP. AND EVERYTHING TAKES ME TOO LONG TO COMPLETE YET IM STILL TRYING TO GET ENOUGH SLEEP AND LOOK OUT FOR MY HEALTH A TINY BIT BUT IM BEHIND AND MISSING ON SHIT. LIKE WHAT WHAT!?! YESTERDAY MY FRIEND WAS TELLING ME HOW SHE CANT NOT GO 100% ON ALL HER ASSIGNMENTS AND IDEK WTF MY 100% IS. USUALLY IF I DO THAT SOMETHING ELSE WILL HAVE TO BE SACRIFICED AND I DONT WANT TO SACRIFICE MY HEALTH AND SANITY ANYMORE. IDK BALANCE OR TIME MANAGEMENT. GOD HELP MEEEEEE. MY LIFE IS A MESS, MY APT IS A WRECK, I GOT NO GROCERIES LIKE AHHHHHH. AND MITERMS WILL BE HERE IN LIKE 2 WEEKS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. IDK WHAT I WANT IN MY LIFE, I DONT WANT TO STRUGGLE, LIKE HONESTLY LIVING IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN GIVING UP AND I KNOW IM SPOILED CAUSE I DONT WANT TO STRUGGLE FOR ANYTHING. SOMEONE COME SHOOT ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW.

im so tired of feeling ashamed. and guilty. yet im still not wanting to sacrifice my down time in certain aspects and i dont want to sacrifice my sleep cause it does more harm than good to me. why am i such an emotional person? like why is my mental health and emotional overload threshold so low in comparison to others??? wtf is wrong with me that i can never seem to get any of my shit together.

[ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels]

Intermission 2 Replies

I don’t think I’m gonna be getting any more replies on the intermission, and there’s only so long i can leave this until i do, so here’s the reply-to-existing-replies batch now. but first:

@bountifulberries replied to your photoset “So because I have no restraint, I made a very smol tiny Sim called...”

I think a paid surrogate mother would be a very interesting contestant / sim in general!

It’d certainly put a new stamp on the 100bc, that’s for sure

@sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo

“FORMER BC ORGANISER FOUND DEAD IN HOME A once-prominent figure in the...”

��

he died before his prime

sevenleafsimblr replied to your photo “A sweet or agreeable succession or arrangement of sounds.”

it completely flew over my head during the Melody Reveal that "melody" is also a music term and im mad @ myself

Un Der Standable

@jackssims replied to your photoset “Deacon: “…spinning?” ”

It looks like she’s t-posing to asset her dominance

Lissa said by PM:

This is a little silly to mention but -- I think it's kind of cool how you're incorporating old stuff again? Like, between the Wilkersons and a tie to Charlie and stuff. I know that old stuff can be hard for you sometimes, so I Just Think It's Neat ^^

i said at the time that it’s more out of necessity some of it than anything else to flesh out the neighbourhood, but you know what? i change my answer. it’s not that the old stuff isn’t hard for me, it’s that the new stuff is just as hard. i want my being good back

@tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “But back then, when I didn’t have to hide… the Wilkersons and I - we...”

I am terrified of what comes next but I am actually so happy that she has a good support network

without that system in place who knows where she would be. somewhere you wouldn’t wanna read, i’ll bet

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “At first I liked Jase best, just because he was so quiet and strange...”

They must be very good friends. They survived using the blue shell on one another

Cid is a good dad and won’t ground Lauro for that. Now if he’d used that lightning on him, he might’ve thought about it - that fucking lightning bolt’s the fucking worst

jackssims replied to your photoset “¦it wasn’t always good. Not those times. But that wasn’t because of...”

Those blondes... �� (unless of course I’m reading too much into this, then I redact my eyes emoji, but I’ll wait and see)

That’s true; we never did get a real answer for that, did we?

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

B I t c h e s

Well, yes, that applies regardless

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lynn: “You’ve got it riiiight here! BLEH!!” Melody: “U-under my eyes?...”

Lynn is such a good person..............................;;;;;;

Lynn makes you cry from all six of your eyes. strexgnome

jackssims replied to your photoset “And t- then there was the one that worried everyone… the - I got a,...”

��

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

:eyes:

sevenleafsimblr replied to the same:

uh oh.....

I will only say this: it’s fortunate that the girlfriend didn’t make everything totally and utterly worse for her

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lavandar: *wide-eyed* “Y-you - you dated your own bully?!”...”

I don't trust you Blonde Scarlet and Viola

O KA y whether they’re who you think they are or not that description is fucking hilarious

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Estelle: “…Oh god, Melody. Are you okay?”  Melody: *shaking* “Please…”...”

Don’t touch her you fucker. Don’t touch her

‘Limp’ is very specific and deliberate consistently-abused-child language, at least to me. If you don’t put up a fight, it doesn’t hurt as much.

jackssims replied to your photoset “Estelle: “…Melody? Melody, can you look at Mommy please?” Melody: “…”...”

Fuck Estelle

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

I want her to die

sevenleafsimblr replied to the same:

estelle can you be a good girl and get some sleep and not wake up

It isn’t wrong, but it is interesting that ‘can you be a good girl’ is what a lot of you replied to throughout this. is it because it’s the most convenient place, being at the end; because it feels weird commenting on the actual violence; or because the emotional manipulation is the straw that breaks the camel’s back?

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lavandar: “Noooope! No no no no, no. It doesn’t work that way,...”

PREACH IT LAV IM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU LAV

As you well know, this is something I have to work hard to convince myself, hence the soapbox. (Can it be a soapbox if you have trouble holding the soapbox’s beliefs?) It doesn’t help that I do charity work at a bookstore, and Torey Hayden / Cathy Glass / other trauma-porn books come in on the regular - it’s hard to be confident in the legitimacy of how Mum’s affected me when stories that feature kids who’ve been utterly decimated and forgotten over the years are in my line of sight that often.

Incidentally, I hope I haven’t crossed the line to trauma-porn here. This is intended to be an explanation for part of Lorelei’s backstory and why she has a lot of the mannerisms she does (plus a few hints for down the road, but that first thing first and foremost) - obviously making you sad is a goal too, but not to an exploitative extent, you know? 

@cafesimming replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I… I’m sorry. I won’t say it again, I’m sor–”...”

i havent been replying but i just got s chance to read sll this and i love lorelei and i love lavandar and i love this story and im quite literally on the verge of tears reading all this rn and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa love

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

bountifulberries replied to your photoset “Lavandar: *shrinks back, curling up onto herself, breathing shakily* ...”

All of this is making me so sad but it’s so well done!! I literally didn’t wanna go to bed last night bc I wanted to keep waiting for updates to post

get some sleep Kasey. if you’re going back to school you need all the sleep you can get. i can be awake for you and get in trouble for it

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I really am sorry, you know. Lavandar. That I’m p- that I’m putting...”

It wasn’t a lack of bravery. You were so brave

there’s two kinds of bravery: to confront, and to endure. Lyra has the confrontational bravery covered. Lorelei is the endurance. 

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “He looked at my arm. He looked at me. H-he… looked at me, like Lyra...”

Zeus bless Jase. In all truthfulness

give him the happiest of marriages and the least of links to that box with the finger in it...

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦He didn’t say a word… to me.” Jase: “…” Pal: “Poor fucking Melody....”

is. is he gonna make himself talk to help her. is. is he gonna do that. because if he does i'm fucking gonna cry

He!! Did that!!

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “But I’ll… even with everything… I’ll forever be grateful that he...”

god what a hero

the hero we need but we don’t deserve

jackssims replied to the same: 

Good. This is good (I hope)

It was a mixed blessing

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I didn’t put two and two together until Jase told me later… but Mom...”

You weren't bad. You weren't bad

Lorelei knows that. Melody does not.

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦what happened after that, Lorelei? Did she–?” “She was held for a...”

oh colby...

I’m not sure where else to put this yet, but designing Estelle was almost as much - not necessarily fun, but it took about as much thought as designing Amelia did back in the day. I think she’s quite handsome, but it’s ruined by her looking almost perpetually sour/disgruntled. I even employed another Enid Blyton trick: her eyes are closer together compared to my other Sims, and a pale blue, much like Prudence from another St Clare’s book. Until they (Prudence’s) turned brown in a later scene in one of the few legitimate continuity errors I’ve seen from Enid but that’s neither here nor there 

I’d also like to emphasise an actually salient point: if it wasn’t clear, Estelle isn’t mentally ill in any way that I know of. There may be neuroses there that never got diagnosed, but they're not the root of her behaviour even if there are. She’s reprehensible enough without chemical imbalances there to influence it. 

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “We tried to be safe. She tried to… let us be a normal family. A happy...”

I understand rationally that Colby is a victim of abuse but /damn/ does he make my blood boil rn

I in turn understand why you’d be angry at him - he allowed a very volatile influence back into Lorelei’s life - but honestly I mostly feel pity for him. He’s a bit like, um... what’s a good comparison...? Charlie Swan feels like the closest analogue, though the circumstances are different there. He can try to lay down some rules and speak the truth of it, but when the largest female influence in the house is this dominant, this domineering, and cares more about what he can do for her than what he chooses to do for himself, what chance does he have? 

It doesn’t help that being willing to please and put his own neck on the line to keep other people happy is kind of a core part of his personality - he’s the person from whom Lorelei inherited the Good trait (much like Amelia got Perfectionist from Maus), but his manifestation of Good leans more towards Doormat than Empathetic, if you see what I mean. It becomes especially clear if I reveal and then you consider he dropped out of college at twenty halfway through a tech degree specifically to marry Estelle so that she could have someone to keep her company at medical school. Self sabotage for the boosting of others.

(Estelle’s two years and a few months Colby’s senior, by the way)

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “I was a wreck at home, and a - even worse, at school. I kept my mouth...”

I wish there was a word for like, SHSL Mom. Because that's what Lynn is. She's like a Double Mom

maxi extreme ultra Mom

Vid incidentally got very upset at around the Jase Pal break-up post, for good reason: these people are just kids. this stuff is much too big for them, they didn’t deserve this.

@geezsims liked your photoset “¦to Bridgeport.” “God. All by yourself? No one-?”  â€œThe journey, y-...”

Han. Han. I admire the like, Han, but I feel like you’ve missed, like, nine tenths of the story here

tosimornottosim replied to the same:

See Colby /this/ is how you Dad

by dying your hair, or sending your kid to a safe place? i’m not sure the intended message here

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦Lorelei Kessler.”

My hero

I need a Lorelei; I’m holding out for a Lorelei til the end of the etc

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “I trust you, Lavandar. I trust you. I trust you. N- no...”

Lavender: *a gentleman's guide to love and murder playing* I've decided to marry you! I've decided to marry you!

Blessed Image

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “Lorelei: “Lyra?! Uh- um -” *clambers up* “You’re - you’re back?” ...”

Man I’m happy you’re going to be here, Ly, but what a buzzkill We almost had a confession!

Like I said in the end credits, we almost had a lot of things ;)

tosimornottosim replied to your photoset “¦ *crunch* *click* *crunch*  â€¦ Lyra: “…okay, and - open.” – End of...”

Now you’re the cockblock, Dub

bountifulberries replied to the same:

RUDE

jackssims replied to your photoset “¦ *crunch* *click* *crunch*  â€¦ Lyra: “…okay, and - open.” – End of...”

Ending it with a tease, eh?

Okay y’all I understand but like y’all, y’all. y’all. this part of SoS is ultimately Lorelei’s story. If I’d ended it with the full Lyra reveal, it would become Lyra’s story again too much, and a lot of the impact of what Lor’s been talking about would’ve been lost. I felt like I was pushing it as it is

jackssims replied to your post “Intermission 2: Melody End Credits”

This interlude-update was amazing. It made me feel stuff like never before, and I was always refreshing my dash for it. Great job!

holy hell thank!!!! I’ll try to maintain that quality, or at least a small fraction of it, into the rest of the project going forward! 

[tauruswiftie]

not to be cringe and sad on main but like... i genuinely regret going to college (or at least my college, especially during covid) so much. my college experience has completely wrecked my mental health and has been the reason for the disintegration of some of my closest friendships and i don’t even think i’m that much more prepared career wise. lol like it was such a massive net negative for me to the point where if i coukd i would drop out rn even though im a semester and a half from graduating. like just being on campus completely saps my ambition and drive and makes me into such a boring shell of a person lol i hate it so much

[hyercns-blog]

( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to stick out a two hour lab, cry while doing my connections page on my late lunch/packing break and napping in the car, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m kat, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, drag race ( i.. am team anyone but b*b* rn, no offence but my girl needs to come back to earth and stop rubbing me the wrong way sdfgkjgfd ( i think sh*ngela deserves it most despite being more of a tr*xie stan tho js ) ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself four months after its release rip !! i’m a uni student and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that comes with picking one over the other. you can hmu on d*scord if you’d like ( just find me in the gc and message me from there fkskf ) and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ wait, wait, was that JEON SOMIN i just saw? damn, it was actually just that TWENTY TWO year old MUSIC PRODUCER/BARISTA, YUN HYERAN. speaking of them, did you hear that they’re known as THE VIRTUOSO around gangnam? i guess it makes sense considering they act so EBULLIENT & LOYAL but at the same time so MAGNANIMOUS & DIFFIDENT. they’re also apparently a PANSEXUAL FEMALE OUTSIDER who uses SHE/HER pronouns. ( kat / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh this is a copied intro from a few months back and i don’t have the time to perfectly incorporate her recently developed bg, so pls anticipate a small bio with that explained HERE

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to gangnam bc.. idk, she just wanted to KDFJSGLGKFD

impulsive brat

would visit jeju island when she was younger bc her aunt lived there

she adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so overall jeju holds a special place in her heart

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short now that i’ve shortened it immensely iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said ( and will elaborate on in her bio ), her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal

spontaneous tbh, moving to gangnam was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a bit reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone

uhhh

has a good understanding of english, her mom’s an american national so she grew up with it being spoken in the house at times

prob speaks it better than i speak french, but still wouldn’t consider herself fluent

plays piano and bass guitar, but knows her way around a flute and tenor sax ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so if lucy sounds lacklustre.. you know why rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, just a bit, but god help her nonetheless

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

[hycrans]

( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to wake up three hours later to watch bts run, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m jules, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, the x files ( iM LATE IK SFGDJLK ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself rip !! it’s been almost a month since its release, i need to Relax dammit. i’m a uni student who just got off for christmas break and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that came with picking one over the other without a bit of help. you can hmu on d*scord at HAPPY S*OKJIN DAY#2030 ( don’t.. call me out for not having an updated name since his birthday’s passed, i’m not v bright pls ) if you’d like and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ JEON SOMIN, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ̖́- – have you seen YUN HYERAN? people’ve said the TWENTY TWO year old has been running around the streets of jeju lately, which is odd because aren’t they a BARISTA/MUSIC PRODUCER during the day? anyways, i know they’re known to be EBULLIENT and TRANQUIL but recently i’ve heard they’ve been MAGNANIMOUS and DIFFIDENT, but i could be wrong. ( jules / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

EDIT: i somehow forgot to mention that she’s.. not sure where she is on the lgbt spectrum but she knows she’s Not Straight JFGDSLKJGK but she’s panromantic so yeah sgjkdl. i’m a whole mess today, i’m sorry lol

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh i don’t have much of her bg figured out, that’s always the last thing i get to so rip

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to jeju island bc an aunt lived there when she was young and she LOVED to visit, made a few friends there and would always whine abt the next time they could all go see her aunt again. so it made sense for her to live, at least for a little while, in one of her favourite places

she also adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so she came partially to see her more often

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said, her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal, 

spontaneous tbh, moving to jeju was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a little reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone and is also clumsy as absolute fuCK

uhhh

plays piano and bass guitar ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so that’s tba rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, god help her

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

[awesomeatitsbest]

*scroll past this if u dnt wanna read me having a mental breakdown over a show*

i’ve been putting off watching the finale all week cuz i feel like im bouta get wrecked but im about to watch it rn and im literally so nervous omg here we go iM STRESSED

yall Rara in a choker hell yuh but also screw lex luthor step tf off man

yall she hesitated when she saw that pic of eliza right? cuZ SHES GOOD AND DESERVES BETTER

omg eve chill tf out

man, u can nvr trust white men as presidents

wow this is so dramatic w My Way fcking playing like this wow iM STRESSED

lex in the lexosuit....*intense eye roll*

hey yall think lex has a “take over the world” playlist playing in the suit

yall if Rara dont get some good that she deserves im FIGHTING yall she dont deserve this ;—; i know she fcking hates america and all buT IS SHE WRONG

theres so much happening wow im guessing a lot of things are gonna be left hanging by the end of this episode huh

omg Kara did basically die yall

im sO HAPPY ALEX REMEMBERS NOW ;—;

wow someone throw Lex into the sun, he made Red Daughter cry but also someone teach her how to Google

dude can ben lockwood just disintegrate already.

omg my bby nia proTECT HER AT ALL COSTS

wait fcKING PAUSE because: Lena Luthor in a Blue Suit™️ (fuq me up)

oh lena always worried about kara 😢

im so stRESSED ALL THE LUTHORS IN A ROOM AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

brenda and katie are truly some stunning people

wow i rlly wanna see lena punch someone (lex)

he just fcking quoted Hitler

aaYYYEE LILLIAN STAY ON THE WINNING TEAM

george washington in the background of this shot is SENDING me

ALIEN RIOT WOOOO

how TF does jesse rath make wheezing onto glass hilarious

Nia done w his rebooted ass

hell yuh to that lena luthor death glare God bless you miss mcgrath

hAHAAAA YEAH KARA’S ARTICLE COMING IN CLUTCH SUCK AN EGG LEX

yall i forget that kara’s mother is literally alive along w Argo i wish they talked about it more somehow

at this point Ben Lockwood is the equivalent of a fcking pimple or whatever, a little annoying thing full of puss and i just wanna POP HIS LITTLE HEAD OFF

damn rebooted brainy rlly ticked nia off

papa j’onn omg pls dont die, sir ;—;

omg wAIT IM SHOOK YES LENA WOOOOOO GRAB THAT GUN AND PUNCH HER

and then lillian casually pepper spraying the goons ugh we love the luthor women

(we already know lillan gonna manipulate lena tho at some point tho right? amirite? or is it gonna be a complete 180 turn)

oh my gosh yes supergirl’s boot on ben lockwood is my aesthetic

kara when lex asks how she’s still alive: im a bAD BITCH you cAnt kILL ME but also grass

omg bITCH the other suit is built into her other suit thats some bad bitch moves right there

“you can thank your sister for this” hell yea lets all thank lena luthor #appreciatelenaluthor2k19

omg cmon brainy, fcking rereboot so u can emotionally support your badass girlfriend

omg im so glad he got rerebooted i thought this was gonna last til the nxt season

wow brainy is so supportive protect this nerd at all costs ;—; his ass said astazing and i love you

oh fck yea rock music fighting scene montage this appeals SPECIFICALLY to me

yES RARA FIGHT HIM FIIIIGHT HIIIIIIM

oh. T—T

oh wAIT SHES GETTING SUPERCHARGED AHAAAAH

holy shit this dude just exploded

oh nvm ofc this dude wont die

oh sHIT

oh SHIT

LENA JUST SHOT THE DUDE

Oh

oh damn

can i get uh uhmmm....onE THERAPIST FOR LENA LUTHOR AS SHE LIVES W THE TRAUMA OF KILLING HER OWN BROTHER

omg omg wait no no omg wait

wait omg pause

its happenening jsnt it

omg wait qait wait i caNt im not ready

im having PALPITATIONS

oh my FUCK

oh. my God.

we all saw this coming but. that was way worse than I could have ever imagined.

my HEART

i need a drink

pour one out for supercorp

it was nice while she lasted

peace THE FUCK out

hahaaah kara happy now but we all know its a fcking illusion

was anyone happy at this point cuz all i am rn is full of DREAD

Dolsen (is that the ship name) fcking RISE

ok waiT Brainia rise too ;—;

im still stressed but theyre all cute af

im STRESSED.

omg lena’s at game night.

im sinking in my seat i CANT watch

so kara and lena as game night partners is canon

too bad its been TAINTED

someone pls help lena my GOD

KARA COME FCKING CLEAN ALREADY UHG MAY AS FCKING WELL

“Not tonight.” or EVER APPARENTLY AT THIS POINT

all right george thats my boy

omg more of miss eve nxt season

wtf is LEVIATHAN IM ALREADY STRESSED

omg this dude gon be in the crossover

omg WHO TF DONT COME FOR PAPA J’ONN

oh no lena honey drinking her woes away someone get this woman a glass of one therapy session with a squeeze of the truth from kara

oh FUCK welp if that picture frame aint fcking foreshadowing the nxt season then idk what will

in conclusion: this finale stressed me tf out. goodbye. i’m sleeping for 30 years.

[how-long-do-they-last]

honestly, im so done with my mom rn like yes shes been drinking and moral of the story shit ALWAYS goes down when shes drinking but she knows it upsets me and all that other shit but she honestly doesnt care. she says she does, and to a p o i n t, i think she does but she cares more about herself than me. i have had more than one conversation with her that pretty much went ‘i want you to stop drinking’ ‘well if i stop drinking im going to end up killing myself from how much physical and mental pain im in, is that what you want? besides, i can stop any time, im not an alcholic’

even then, i have to pick her up of the floor at least once a week, normally 3 or 4 days most weeks. it doesnt even stop when im at college an hour and a half away. i know that if she calls past like 10:30 shes most likely up drunk and im going to end up upset and having self harm or drinking urges by the end of our conversation

thats not even the end of it! shes said, literally just in the past 2 days, that a) if i have a self harm relapse then im getting kicked out of the house. even though i have told her before that it stems from her drinking she still doesnt care enough to stop and b) that i had better not be venting about her

i know all this stems from the ‘cycle of violence’ and all that shit but like she knows my grandmother put her through it and that she ‘will let up on me’ but she drinking is off the table. BOTH my psychologist and psychiatrist have said, even with her not being there AND when she has been there, that it would be beneficial for her to go to rehab but she keeps giving the excuse she doesnt have time

i understand that right now is not COMPLETELY her fault, because as of right now im off my meds (but keep in mind i have been for a while at the end of college and was doing relatively well), but its still largely her that causes most of my mental health bullshit

im fighting with myself about getting back on my meds (and fighting her) so right now finding them is the first step. i started to look for them and supposedly i ‘didnt look hard enough’ and that i have to ‘throw everything on the floor to have looked good enough’ and that if i dont she will

im also partially stressed over work because ive worked 20 hours after stating literally this saturday and picked up 2 unexpected sets of swim lessons.

im also pretty lost when it comes to coping strategies and mechanisms right now (plus i dont have a professional to talk to to help/be able to talk about this shit to someone who is not in the situation) so im falling back on old habit. my mom literally WATCHED me try and down a bottle of like beer after i had a pretty bad breakdown and said NOTHING about it being bad (plus threatening to kick me out of the house if i cut (or do a number of other things but thats besides the point)

shes bottom line emotionally abusive, normally when drunk, but still, it doesnt hurt any less, it doesnt fuck me up any less, it doesnt wreck my mental health any less, and somehow im not more desensitized to all of this shit because its been going on for YEARS now (though ive only recognized the abuse for about a year and a half now)

im just so done with all this shit and (which seems to be my only true saving grace b/c it happend pretty much every time at this point) if i didnt have work tomorrow i would end up self harming tonight despite her threats