#im Definitely worse about it but still.
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Bonus fact that will probably give away who my partners are splits of but idc rn-
I haven't been able to listen to their song in literally months.
I hum it to myself a lot, bc it makes me feel better especially when they're not able to be in front with me.
But also i have this horrible deep dread in me that if i do listen to the song i WILL have a full blown breakdown and cry. Like actually cry.
Like okay usually when i say "omg crying" or "i sobbed," i mean i silently shed tears for about 30 seconds. My nose might have run a little. *That* is sobbing to me. I am an incredibly stone faced person who bottles everything up, so crying is extremely difficult. I know this isn't a healthy reaction, but i absolutely hate how crying feels, and im so self-taught to avoid it that i just won't do it.
And i just know in my gut that if i hear the song, it will not be my usual "crying." it will be a real, genuine cry, and i am so avoidant of that it's unreal.
#💚☁️#i mean perhaps 🖤♦️ is correct that this is NOT a good way to handle this shit.#in fact i know hes right.#bc this is something both 🩷🕸 and i do and he gets on our cases about it#im Definitely worse about it but still.#hnnnnnnn.#updating with his new tag of ❤️♣️
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made a thing that kinda applies to @letsdrawcastiel's monthly prompt of winter cas I suppose since those are Christmas cookies right there. this is a continuation of another art piece thingy I made a little while back
the epic saga continues. Dean and Cas somehow managed to actually make the cookies, but never got around to decorating them for...important reasons and as usual, we shall now all bow our heads in prayer for Samuel Winchester and this miserable existence he calls life
(poor poor Sam, like he's not the one who hung up the mistletoe and I can still never spell that word right on the first try ghbgiy)
(12/12/24)
#my art#supernatural#spn#spn fanart#castiel#dean winchester#destiel#sam winchester#poor sam lol#seasonally appropriate art#my prompts#my challenges#letsdrawcastiel#krita#i think im gonna stop tagging krita when i use it since it seems like im gonna continue using it now#even though i don't like the result as much as i do when i use flipaclip#sam should lowkey be compensated for his suffering#like one of those commercials about bad water at military bases from the late 1900s and they're like oops i guess people are sick now#sam should definitely be using his lawyer skills to get paid for his eternal suffering though real talk#jurys still out on whether the fact that dean and cas are now actually kiss instead of just staring will make things better or worse#knowing them probably worse tbh#it's a miracle those cookies exist at all and we all know it#sam just snapping the head off a gingerbread man bc his head is exploding irl#you know like you do
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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every time i finish lovm episodes thinking they got about 70% of it honestly better than c1 and that i am willing to actually wait for payoff i log on here and people hate that shit lol
#i dont like every change but those were definitely among the best sets of episodes they released#i really do not care about order of operations or specificity i dont feel like they fucked it up i just think they had to change shit#maybe we should just admit cr's pacing well beyond c3 would not survive a writers cutting room floor and move on#theyre still hitting nearly every emotional beat. thordaks death absolutely stunned me here and in campaign#maybe ive watched enough adaptations to know what adaptation means but it's definitely among the best#maybe im just tired of snooty c1 fans always. *knows m9 fans will be endlessly worse* oh no#also what is with cr fans and having completely utter permanence because. im very confident kash dying. or glintshore not finishing.#or devo'ssa. are very obviously not finished. sometimes waiting is a fun game#van speaks#tlovm spoilers
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Boy oh boy i really hope my toucb starved charles ask went through
oh i assure you friend the ask went through this time 🔍..
#nsft#i guess LMAO#i dont think tumblr ate the ask last time because sex was mentioned i think it was just . Misfortune#tumblr eats whatever it wants whenever it wants vjELLK but anyway#snap chats#but thank you for your time and your thoughts! definitely not what i was expecting#i think the most i can add is that- while ik this is about dofp charles specifically- early-comic charles as far as i know#had been pretty vocal about lamenting his circumstances- just in general not specifically related to This#so definitely not out of the ballpark of whats been written here with charles specifically#dofp charles had a lot going on for him like there really was no point worse to leave him off#to end on a lighter note. charles' disability definitely didnt totally stop him from getting with others. definitely did not.#im p sure amelia and lilandra were the only gals he got with post-disability but i could be wrong but still .... go off king ..#we know of his self doubt and insecurities so yk what go at it grandpa ...
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i will cashapp $10 to the first person who can name 3 real life harmful things bob bryar did without accusing him of thought crime
#wordvomit#this isnt to say the things he said or thought are good or justifiable- just to point out that he never ACTED on them in any capacity#meanwhile he is being socially prosecuted to the extent as if he has. during such an awful time for his loved ones who are the only ones#who will be exposed to all this hate. possibly including the members of mcr#i understand thinking the things he said are sick and disliking him and being uncomfortable at the discussion but.#i dont understand how you can honestly morally justify half of the stuff people have been saying- like 'he deserved it' and whatnot#without contradicting the 'thoughtcrime isnt real' sentiment i see get thrown around so often ?#isnt the Overarching issue with conservatism as a whole not the idea of . moral purity and puritanism and#'everyone. everything and every idea ontologically different from mine and my communities-#they are objectively worse and i deserve power over them as retribution for what they've done'#ie colonialism. racism. yadda yadda#these are false comparatives bc discrimination based on unchangeable factors vs backlash to opinion is vry different but i still think#the core idea of 'no one who has not enacted harm deserves harm wished on them' kinda shines through it all#and there is a semantic debate to be had about the definition of harm but in this case i am using it to mean anything more Tangible#something that has a wider influence than 'the people who read/heard it were upset and uncomfortable' yea ?#im been waffling about this a lot and why it hasnt been sitting right with me as someone who is incredibly uncomfortable with a lot of his#final statements#it just reminds me so much of my dad and what ive watched him go through#as well as other people in my community during the pandemic#i cant disconnect myself from the humanity of that. especially while condemning him for lacking humanity
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i dunno if its just who im following rn but im really rocked lately by all the division btwn transfems and transmascs on my dash... where is this coming from .?
#i feel like every other day i see a post about how all trans men are transmisogynist.?#and i also just want to blanketly say discussions of transmisogyny are super important and everyone who's TME should listen & support#but im really confused bc ive seen nothing but support for trans women and even when i look in like the#transandrophobia tag (which . bad idea yeah i know) its not transmascs shitting on trans women ?#i genuinely dont know if its like “trans men are trying to claim they have it worse than trans women” and thats sparked this but??#i dont even see Any posts about that all i see is just trans men saying hey maybe we see xyz side of transphobia can we make 1 post about i#its so strange i just dont see what it is#the post also saying trans men see themselves as women trying to be men and thats why theyre transmisogynist.................#you realize thats transphobic right . to say that . you can still be transphobic even if youre trans and that is definitely transphobia ..#transfems need more support now than ever but yk what also transmascs are gonna need hella support because T is a controlled substance#and if planned parenthood etc gets cut off its gonna be harder to get it (not that e is easier but at least its not controlled)#throws my hands up. can we just talk to each other about our problems yall . this is dumb
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Fuck you season five episode nine genuinely some of the worst shit they clobbered together
#just thought abt ir again im suddenly overcome with a sense of hatred and disdain#evwrything about that episode feels so half assed. its just straight up poop from a butt#nick as a character is incredibly annoying and inconsistent. starts out as a tool for exposition(rick trainibg the crows and he tells morty-#how shitty he is. Gee Thanks we definitely couldnt have concluded that from seeing rick train the crows)#only for him to just switch to a huge asshole who wants everyone dead#like. ugh.hes just so surface level and boring and UNNECESSARY. i genuinely believe if he didnt exist the episode would be improved tenfold#because ill admit!!! i like(most of) the r&m scenes!!! their spats are well written!!! i think they should have been a bigger focus;!!!#and dont even get me started on that buzzwordy word salad annoying as fuck speech rick has before he leaves#its so. badly written. its so awkward and so out of character. it genuinely feels like the set up to a rug pull momeny#AND LISTEN!;;;;;!!!!! I DONT HATE THE CONCEPT OF A RICK AND MORTY SPLIT UP#but why do we not see any of it???? god. like we could and Should have had one(1) singular episode where they live their separate lives#show how theyre both doing worse or maybe BETTER without each other while still falling back into old toxic habits#like ok. u have a status quo and all that. but if u cant commit to your split up concept ... well maybe dont force it in as a plot point#that lasts maybe ten minutes in total.#FUUUUCCCCKKKK i hate this episode so much genuinely. i hate ricks speech so much.#ur telling me the worlds most emotionally constipated guy musters up the empathy to remove himself from the toxically codependent dynamic-#he created for his own comfort in one day. he learns all of that in twelve hours or less.#heres my impression of what rick's speech really would have looked like#“hey im gonna uh. spend some time with the crows. i think.”#and scene#god and what about beth. rick never says anything to the rest of thw family and when he shows up again no one gafs#omg okay. tldr lol fuck this episodw i genuinely hate it so much and nothing will ever make me like it
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consider sanuso bodyswap where Sanji is of course "admiring" Usopp's body and Usopp is trying desperately to keep himself from getting worked up so that he doesn't light himself on fire.
Luffy and Chopper are not helping. They are in fact doing the opposite of helping. They've ramped up their pranks and are doing anything possible to get Usopp angry so that he combusts, freaks out, and then dives into the ocean to put himself out. They think it's hilarious.
Nami and Brook are Also not helping, since they're conspiring with Sanji to put on a fashion show with Usopp's body. Sanji called it "not wasting a precious opportunity to get him in something other than overalls". Usopp called it mutiny and he was gonna- dive into the ocean, holy fuck Sanji why is it so easy to catch fire?!
Best part about this is that Sanji assured him, several times, that his body doesn't get hurt by catching fire. Usopp still jumps into the ocean every time.
Robin pipes up at one point, asking if Sanji was immune to just his own flames or all flames. Sanji just kind of shrugs and said it depends. Franky, having just been leisurely watching all of this gets an idea. Would his Franky Fireball hurt Sanji's body or just give him more fire to work with?
He tries to coax Usopp into agreeing to test it out and, somehow, he manages it. Albeit, Usopp is all knocking knees and chattering teeth, a very odd sight from 'Sanji'. As part of the deal though, he can only shoot a fireball the size of his hand.
Usopp meant his small hand. The one Franky used for tinkering and fine detail work. He did not, however, clarify this.
So, when a fireball the size of Franky's big hand comes out, well. Usopp runs for his goddamn life.
It takes him a few moments- and the voices of his friends sounding distant and below him- to realize he hadn't, in fact, run to the men's quarters, but rather into the fucking sky.
And oooooh, boy he is gonna kill Sanji one of these days. Why was his body's first fucking instinct when running to go up, what the actual HELL-
Usopp lit himself on fire again.
He curses out Sanji as his Sky Walk fails in the same moment and he plummets towards the deck.
#one piece#sanuso#nemotime#usopp the first time he lights himself on fire: WHAT THE FUCK WHAY THE FUCK WHAT THE HELL OH GOD OH F-#oh ndvdggdvdv okay listen. listen. omagine Zoro's been asleep this whole time. and he misses the memo that there was a bodyswap.#and he wakes up to 'Sanji' kicking him abd immediately goes into fight mode... and then is really fucking spooked#bc 'Sanji' is blubbering about Zoro going to kill him and that he couldnt die this young and Zoro's just. Still as a statue.#Literally cannot compute.#and then 'Usopp' comes up to him. threatening him and calling him names the way he was expecting from 'Sanji'#Brook: oh dear he mustve slept through all the commotion. Zoro-san! Usopp and-!#Nami covering Brook's mouth: No wait i smell a money making opportunity#shes gonna con him. idk how or with what yet but shes definitely gonna con him#hes gonna be sooo pissed when he finds out she conned him but his usual outlet for physical violence is currently indisposed so. lol. lmao.#i like making zoro suffer idk why its just funny#wait wai what if Usopp didnt trip on him what if when he plummets to the deck he lands on Zoro lmfao#also Franky's standing there like 'Why did you dodge it?!' and Usopp is right back to trying not to light himself on fire again lol#oh n Jinbei gets roped into the fashion show stuff#where he incurs 'newbie's first debt to Nami'#damn now im thinking about him slightly concerned about all this spontaneous combustion and then Robin saying something to make it worse lol#ANYWAY MORE IMPORTANTLY the real tragedy of this post is that because Usopp's constantly worried about Combusting#it never really sinks in how blatantly Sanji is checking out his body + enjoying doing that fashion show#and because of Sanji 'enjoying the view' he never notices the brief moments where Usopp quietly does the same#before being interrupted by Luffy and Chopper coming out of nowhere wanting to roast marshmallows on Usopp's leg#okay im done were done im good its bed time gnight gmorning gday to all
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my health is getting worse, and i am disoriented and uncomfortable every single day. i need an MRI at some point to check for a possible stroke or other issue, aswell as some monitor for my heart and/or head for a bit. idk what theyll do really. but i cant even focus anymore. and its to the point that everything i eat triggers my health to get worse aswell. some days its so bad i cant even sleep.
so for the time being, commissions are closed. im sorry.
#to those who have also hit me up in the inbox or IM im sorry i dont post the donation posts its hard to tell whats vetted or not or spam#i know that zionists hijacked some of them and its heartbreaking to know that. and im not well worded as others are but#im gonna try to in the future if i can. ill still reblog what donation posts i can. again im sorry i havent. ive been very unwell#its hard to pretend im fine and able to talk about other things when im definitely not fine.#i dont know if im gonna die with this health problems and i cant even leave to go to the doctor easily.#no this is not me saying “my problems are worse” its irrelevant to what i said above.#this is just my personal thing im goign thru and that was just anotehr thing i thought id mention ive been neglectful about#and the reason ive been unable to focus on anything
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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having a good day is so wild like what do you MEAN I'm not miserable and unmotivated and crushingly apathetic and absolutely exhausted brain fog just want to sleep???
#makes me realise oh. i am not well normally#whoops#i think. i think its side effects from the birth control which im supposed to give three months to stabilise#i do not think it was always this bad#the trouble with me is i cannot ever remember what it was like before#like ive never been good since i was about eleven#but i think this is a higher level of bad for me#worst thing is its still better than it was before#i could not continue having one week of every month be absolutely world consuming depression having to fight so hard to keep myself safe#that was just not continueable#so we tryin#cos yeah its shit and there's been periods where i can barely function#but ive been safe#and its not been all consuming#and its definitely got better so fingers crossed 🤞#the world doesn't hurt today and things are relatively easy#i dont get that very often and it's nice#ANYWAY pity party over lmao#many others have it so much worse#mine
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"please elaborate on the differences that you, the theorist of the concept of God Or Nature, believe exist between the concepts of God and Nature"
#🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡#henry odenburg i diagnose you with Fucking Stupid syndrome.#im sorry but. did you stuff your ears whenever he was talking. dude. like i understand he didnt really have the chance to read the ethics a#the time. (the publication issues are about the ethics)#but still. what the f#“soften things”. he should have died of a stroke#*snowflake who miracolously survived ALL of the definitions killed by the first 20 or so propositions*#the only reason the axioms wouldnt kill him is cause he wouldnt understand the implications#17th century rationalist philosopher baruch spinoza#AMD IT GETS WORSE#i shit you not
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I have to be so honest and vulnerable with you for a second. I keep thinking of getting another complete works of Shakespeare
#tales from diana#my riverside 1973 is still my beloved baby but she's really worse for the wear these days#i didn't start thinking about it till i got one for my friend like 6 months ago for his bday#and i kept looking at it and being like oh wow. his doesn't have all the scratches and rips mine does#mine is still BETTER obviously bc it's MINE. it's in worse condition objectively but it's MINE#making it the best copy in existence. to me#and it was my aunt's textbook at boston college. my grandmother let me have it. i think of it as a family heirloom#and the coating on the front cover side of the spine has been slowly tearing off :(#like there's one long vulnerable rip almost all the way down. idk how to prevent it from breaking further#other than just by not using it. and idk how to fix it wo making it potentially worse#i didn't know how to take care of old gigantic books when i got it at 19. i never considered it#i hadn't had one before. but now im more experienced#and im also just curious about what's inside other editions. especially newer ones#i only have 6 plays and at least 3 of them i plan to read in a copy other than the riverside#like my 23 plays and sonnets (1953) edited by t. m. parrot has 2 and another play im gonna borrow from library lending#and id definitely wanna get rid of a lottttt of books i have right now before getting a new one#im already planning on which books to donate when i declutter#and i need to declutter my books DESPERATELY. so so desperately#it'd just be nice to have another complete works in my collection. for a number of reasons.#that way i also suppose ill have two big books of shakespeare for auntie diana to pass down someday#i don't plan on getting one soon im just in the contemplative phase. but boy am i tempted
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what happened to all the trees i climbed as a child? why, when i now go into a forest, do none of the trees have low hanging branches?
#Literally so confused about this i dont understand#Did my parents just now of this 1 tree with low enough branches ro climb and i only ever climbed the same tree#In this whole huge ass forest ive found 2 trees with low branches so far and rheyre still like shoulder height for me#And after you climb that first bit its impossible to get higher#Like im sure ive also gotten worse at climbing trees but this is definitely not all on me here#Trees just dont have low branches anymore and i dont understand why not#*#Uh huh
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bro i feel so bad for my classmates in my chinese class.... the difficulty has ramped up and boy are some of them struggling. I'm at a slight advantage since i had taken a slight bit of chinese before (slight, since covid interrupted it :/ ) and have a family member who can speak the language, but even i'm starting to be more unsure and hesitant in what i say. i have a feeling tho that our already small class is gonna get smaller... we havent hit the deadline for dropping classes yet.. so we might lose a few people :(
#josh talks#i feel bad for them since i definitely know the feeling....#and anytime someone struggles when called on i cant help but think about me being in their shoes#and how bad id feel and how my anxiety would make it so much worse#i almost want to offer help to some of them but idk how and i dont want to come across as a know it all..#plus again im not perfect at it either#we've past the point of stuff i knew from taking chinese before#in a happier note tho i think im finally making friends in this class!!#i had to ask these 2 guys who sit near me if i could join their group for a presentation we have to do#and they sounded happy to let me join and didnt hesitate in saying yes!#but yeah anyway if u didn't know i take chinese then now you know more Josh Lore#im still veerrryyy beginner#but if anyone who follows me speaks mandarin..... maybe someday later we could talk a bit..?#it really help to practice more with other speakers#谢谢! Thanks for reading this far if ur reading this#i know i tend to ramble a lot lmao
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