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equallyshaw · 9 months

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star crossed lovers au | connor bedard x kailey hughes au ↳ cat distribution system. ↳ blurb! (yes, i know these cats are not the same size. pls disregard lol) ↳ au masterlist!

word count: 646 warnings: none!

connor could not believe it, and possibly a part of him did not want it to be true. not that he did not like cats, they just were not his favorite animal. he was quite partial to dogs. so when kailey and connor were taking a walk through the loop after a short study session at the depaul library, kailey knew she could not give up this chance encounter. "oh my god con, look!" she squealed as she kneeled, before putting her finger out for the small cat to sniff her. "i don't think you should do that." he said taking a step back. she rolled her eyes, but then smirked as the cat began to brush itself up against kailey. "hi baby." she cooed, and began to pet it. "step on it bedard, get your car." she said not looking up from the black cat. "what?" he questioned, squatting down to her level. she turned back towards him, "im gonna stay here. you go get your car so we can get to the vet." she explained as if it was not obvious. "wait why?!" he asked still confused. "because con, the cat distribution system that I've been waiting for to appear, has happened! i cant give this cat up. look!" she said looking down at the cat. the cat had now taken up her lap as a safe haven, and connor knew there would be no going back now. she was hooked, and godddamit- she was gonna keep that cat.

it was 3 hours later, with a $465 vet visit and connor getting scratched in the room behind them- the two finally settled in on kaileys bed. kailey and connor laid down cuddling together, while the new kitten - notably named crosby laid in front of them in a ball. "i cant believe it happened." she whispered, intently watching the cat's chest rise and fall. "do lukas and kev like cats?" she questioned, absentmindedly. "uh, i don't know. the topic has never come up." he teased, pressing his nose in the nook of her neck from behind. "what if i brought her over tomorrow?" she questioned, and connor smiled. "im sure they would love to meet her." he mused, which made kailey silently cheer. "oh shoot! i completely forgot to let my brothers know." she giggled, pulling out her phone to shoot off a text to their group chat, that the four of them had. not even a minute later, the three brothers were texting like madmen. asking when they could meet her, but at the same time insulting kailey that she got a kitten and not a puppy, and lastly, they wanted to know the name. to which, luke guessed correctly. "what is with crosby?" connor questioned after she put down her phone, and she giggled. then she would not stop giggling, until she realized that baby crosby might wake up, so she stopped quickly. though, connor thought it was all quite amusing.

"as a kid we met crosby before i had a real understanding of who he was, and then was i was like 13 i saw a picture of him and thought he was the hottest man to grace this earth." she said turning around to face connor. "and then i met him again right before jacks draft, and my brothers had to tease me relentlessly about it. completely made a fool of myself in front of him and I've never lived it down to this day." she said as her cheeks turned rosy, which connor found quite darling. "that's adorable." he teased, moving a small piece of hair behind her ear. she pushed two hands to her face to cover herself from embarrassment, "what? it is cute." he said pulling them from her face, and then slowly leaned down to kiss her. but, before he connected the two he teased her a bit more. "though ill be sure to remember that you found him attractive...the next time he's in town." he teased before kissing her.

that kiss didn't last long.

just something cute between the two! please like and reblog if you enjoyed!

also posted a day early, who'd a thought? lol

#connor bedard #connor bedard au #star crossed lovers au #connor bedard x k hughes au #connor bedard fic #connor bedard blurb #connor bedard imagine #chicago blackhawks #nhl #hockey #hockey fic #hockey blurb #hockey imagine #nhl imagine #nhl blurb #equallyshaw masterlist

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rhysiana · 2 years

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to be myself again

Because people seemed interested after this snippet version, the parts that were actually written of the Nurseydex post-canon where Dex inherits a house back in Maine.

Dex

Dex stared at the letter, then squinted suspiciously at the letterhead. If this was some elaborate joke, someone was certainly going out of their way with it, because that was definitely the local law firm his family used. Even so, he still looked their phone number up on Google instead of trusting the one on the letter.

Ten minutes later, he lowered the phone and stared at the letter again. He had a house. His great-aunt Dorothea had left him her house.

Still at a loss, he called his mother.

“Was she ill? I didn’t know, no one told me, I could have come up…”

“No, sweetheart, she was just old. It was her time.”

“Did they… did they already have the funeral?”

“Well now,” and here his mother sounded distinctly uncomfortable, “she didn’t really want one. You know how she was about religion. Her instructions said to cremate her and scatter her ashes at sea.”

Of course that’s what she would have wanted. He blinked a few times, then cleared his throat. “Have they done it yet? Dad and them?”

“No, not yet. The season’s been real busy…”

“No, that’s fine, that’s good. I want to be there. I know,” he paused to clear his throat again, “I know what she would want from Beatrice’s garden. They told me.”

“Of course, honey. I’ll tell them to wait.”

“I’ll be there this weekend.”

~*~*~

The house still looked pretty much the same, at least from the outside, Dex thought. Admittedly, the paint was starting to peel, and the yards were hugely overgrown, but it all still… felt the same. Dex’s hand shook slightly as he pushed the front gate open, and he noted distantly that it was starting to hit him that Dorothea and Beatrice were both really, truly gone. He pulled out his pocketknife and concentrated on gathering the flowers Dorothea would have wanted at this time of year, the first blooms of witch hazel and forsythia. He remembered their branches suddenly sprouting from vases and jugs all around the house as soon as winter started to loosen its hold and smiled, despite the occasion.

“Spring is doing her best,” Beatrice used to say, when Dorothea would ask if they didn’t have enough inside the house already. “These are her first efforts at bringing us some color after a long winter, and it would be rude not to appreciate them. Besides, there might be a storm anytime, and they’d be ruined anyway. Might as well enjoy them now.”

Dorothea had done it every spring after Beatrice died. Dex didn’t see why this year should be any different.

He turned and left the garden, shutting the gate behind him again before heading to the marina, like he’d done a hundred times before.

There was no real ceremony or anything. They took the boat out, his dad opened the plain box from the mortuary and took out the bag of ashes, and they all stood in silence as the wind blew the plume out over the water. His uncle Pete took out a piece of scrimshaw he’d done in her memory and tossed it into the boat’s wake, and Dex did the same with the flowers.

Everyone stood around blinking in the wind for a few more minutes after that, and then Dex’s dad cleared his throat and nodded, and they went back. It was, Dex thought, one of the better Poindexter family funerals he’d ever attended.

~*~*~

Dinner that night at his parents’ house felt bizarrely normal, like any number of dinners they’d had when he was still in high school after his brother went to college, except now instead of asking about his grades, his mom passed him the green beans and said, “So she left you the house?”

“Yeah,” Dex said, serving himself, “I thought I’d go over tomorrow and look around. Get an idea of any repairs that need to be made, that kind of thing.”

His dad nodded approvingly and then changed the subject to how things were looking for the Falconers’ playoffs chances, which, Dex supposed, was another sign of change, since in high school it would have been the Bruins.

Lying in his old bedroom that night, he stared at the ceiling and let his thoughts float. He thought about going back to Boston and his job on Monday, about the giant corporate codebase he chinked his projects into one at a time like cogs in a machine, about how he’d had a job and an apartment and all that stuff for years now, but he still didn’t feel particularly adult.

He remembered a conversation in the dining hall at Samwell, Ransom asking why it was so bad to just want to make a living as opposed to needing to have some grand, deeply meaningful career, and how fervently he’d agreed at the time. Now, nearly six years later and already having changed jobs twice, he wasn’t sure it was enough. [stuff about how unstable financial stability still feels, the weirdness of the tech industry, how he’ll never be able to comfortably join a start-up] He felt, if he had to put a name to it, adrift. He was doing all the things he was supposed to, and he wasn’t sure any of it mattered. He’d made it out of his hometown and into a white-collar job with health insurance and a 401k, which had been his goal for as long as he could remember, but it was turning out to be a lot less satisfying as a final destination than he’d thought. He didn’t feel like himself. He didn’t feel like he even knew who that was supposed to be anymore. He’d become exactly what everyone had ever hoped and expected of him, and he honestly felt kind of… nothing about it.

He thought about dinner with his parents, about the ease of being in town today, about how he knew where everything was in a way he’d never really know Boston, no matter how long he lived there, and how that eased a little bit of tension in his shoulders he didn’t even know he carried most of the time.

He thought about Dorothea’s house, and how it was supposedly his now. He didn’t feel like it was, not really, but he also felt like it could be. Maybe.

He fell asleep with all his thoughts still swirling around each other.

~*~*~

He rolled out of bed much earlier than normal the next morning, old habits from the years he spent living in this room apparently having seeped into his pores in the night, but he found himself oddly cheerful as he grabbed some quick toast and coffee in the kitchen and headed out to Dorothea’s house before his mother even made it downstairs.

He paused in the front garden again, absently adding oil for the gate hinges to his mental list of things he’d need to pick up in addition to paint. Then he fished the key from his pocket, took a deep breath, and unlocked the door.

Everything was exactly the same as it had been the last time he’d visited. He reached out to touch the wall beside him, where a sampler hung, perpetually slightly askew from the door opening and closing. He straightened it on autopilot, trying to ground himself in the present, in this new reality where neither of his great-aunts would ever call hello to him from some other part of the house as he came in. He blinked to try to clear the sting from his eyes, and then spotted something that hadn’t been there last time.

There was a letter in the middle of mantel, addressed simply to Will.

Dear Will,

I know my leaving the house to you was probably something of a surprise. I probably should have talked to you about it ahead of time, but you know that’s not really how our family does things. Of course, we don’t really leave letters either, but I suppose living with Beatrice all those years had to rub off on me in some way.

The truth of the matter is this: Of all our various nieces and nephews, you were always the child most of our hearts. It doesn’t really take a genius to figure out why; we always know how to recognize our own, even if we never say it. We were always so proud of you, and watching you grow up into such a capable young man, and then also into yourself. I only wish I could stick around longer, because I know you’ve still got so much to show us all.

I’m going to get maudlin if I continue in that vein. So: The house is yours, to do with as you like. If selling it or renting it out gives you greater independence in your life away from here, then you should take it, because you worked hard for it, and we only ever wanted to see you happy, no matter where you ended up. And if keeping it for yourself, keeping it as a home, knowing that it is yours completely will bring you joy, then I hope you find even a fraction of the love here that I, we, knew.

Know that no matter your decision, you brought some old women joy by being happy here. Keep being happy, kid.

All my (our) love,

Dorothea

Dex sat down heavily on the sofa behind him, placed the letter carefully on the coffee table in front of him, and then let the tears finally fall.

~*~*~

He was in the middle of going systematically through each of the downstairs rooms, (the public rooms, the easier rooms, he told himself, like he hadn’t done most of his living in this house in these very rooms), making a list of things he’d need from the hardware store on some scratch paper he scrounged from Dorothea’s office, when his phone rang. He pulled it out of his back pocket and put it on speaker.

“Hey, Ma.”

“Will! Are you over at the house? You left so early this morning, I didn’t get a chance to ask about your plans. I thought your aunt Peg and I could come over to help you sort things out, see what needs to be done to get the house ready to sell.”

Dex froze and then straightened up from the list he’d been scribbling. He scrubbed his hand through his hair, gritted his teeth, and said exactly what he knew his mother didn’t want to hear. “I don’t think I’m going to sell it.”

“Oh. So… you’re going to rent it out? We still need to go through everything.”

“No, Ma. I’m moving back here. I’m going to live in it.”

“Will!” He heard her set something down on the counter with a bang. “You can’t leave your job!”

“Ma,” he said with a sigh, “I hate that job.”

“But you worked so hard for it. Going to Samwell. All that studying.” All that wasted money, he heard in the undercurrent.

He quirked half a smile, not really sure of the emotion behind it. “I know. But I really do hate it. I think… I think it was something I had to do. I don’t regret it. Certainly not going to Samwell. But I also don’t have to keep doing something that makes me miserable, now that I know. Now that I have other options. That’s why Dorothea gave me the house. So I could figure it out. She told me so.”

His mother let out a shaky breath. “I always thought you hated it here. You couldn’t wait to get away. I didn’t know if we’d done something to drive you away, some terrible thing in your childhood that made you want to leave so much.”

~*~*~

[...]

“Will!” someone called from down the aisle at the hardware store.

Dex turned, curious who would sound that excited to see him mid-morning on a Tuesday who wasn’t a member of his family. “Graham?”

“Your brother told me you were back in town!” Graham said, still all bright eyes and sandy hair and an easy smile Dex was always surprised to see directed at him, even though he knew Graham smiled that way at everyone.

“Yup,” Dex agreed, and went back to looking at screws because that was easier than trying to parse the implications of the town gossip network just yet.

“You staying a while?”

Dex turned back to him. “Yeah?”

Graham’s smile got a little bigger. “Awesome! You interested in picking up any shifts at the bar?”

Dex blinked at him in surprise. A job offer was the last thing he’d been expecting from this conversation.

“Robbie’s wife’s expecting, so he doesn’t want to work closing shifts anymore, and when Colin said you were back, well, I already know you’re reliable, yeah? Perfect solution. You know, if you want.”

“Graham, I only worked there for two months one summer.”

“And you were still my most reliable employee that whole time. I didn’t forget how many other people’s shifts you covered on no notice.”

Dex scrubbed a hand through his hair, looked down at the few packs of assorted hardware in his basket, and then blew out a breath. “Yeah, all right.”

Graham clapped him on the shoulder. “You are a lifesaver, man. Come in Thursday? Or is that too soon? You tell me, whatever will work.”

Either Graham really didn’t want to have to break in a new bartender or he was truly desperate, but Dex was honestly starting to run out of things to repair around the house. “Sure, I’ll be there.”

~*~*~

Nursey

=Ribbit, Ribbit=

DMN: I don’t know why I thought taking my parents up on their offer to housesit during my dad’s transfer to England would be a good idea.

WP: Because it gave you a way to quit that job you hated and write for a full year instead?

CC: Yeah! It was a great opportunity!

DMN: sigh

Now I just sound like the pretentious dick Dex always said I was

But I’m not getting anything done!

Too many people know where to find me.

I need a writing retreat from my writing retreat.

Nursey tossed his phone down beside him and flopped back on the bed, groaning as he pressed the heels of his palms over his eyes. This was the stupidest complaint ever, but just today he’d gotten three invites to go out to, in turn, an art show, a poetry reading, and an open mic night where people read passages from their favorite books. Plus his mother had texted to remind him to go down and get the delivery from the food prep service she swore they’d already been subscribed to before they left, which he knew for sure was a lie, and also their Wine of the Month crate. Since he wasn’t exactly throwing dinner parties for colleagues every couple of weeks, it was getting a little out of control. He’d started stacking them all in the hall closet. He hadn’t managed to write a single sentence.

His phone buzzed again. “What now?” he asked in exasperation and then blinked at what he found.

WP: You could come here.

DMN: To Maine?

WP: That’s where I am now, yes.

DMN: But… why?

WP: You said you needed to be where no one would be able to bother you. I have a spare room now.

Guarantee no one knows you here.

DMN: Except you.

WP: Except me. But I work a lot, as you may recall.

Besides, this was a writer’s house. Might inspire you or something.

DMN: William, are you getting poetic on me?!

Dex left him on read after that for long enough to make Nursey grin.

WP: …anyway, if you want to come, just let me know so I can be there to meet your train. We’re not exactly awash in Lyft drivers here.

DMN: I’ll think about it.

Thank you, really.

~*~*~

Which was how he found himself disembarking in a train station in Maine a week later.

DMN: I’m here. Where are you?

WP: Right in front of you, dumbass. Look up.

Nursey squinted against the sun as he stepped out the door and found Dex leaning back against the hood of a pickup truck, one foot propped against the bumper, mouth pinched in that way Nursey knew meant he was trying not to laugh.

“Seriously,” Dex said, “our train station isn’t big enough to lose anyone in.” He pushed off the truck and enveloped Nursey in a quick back-slapping hug before grabbing Nursey’s bag out of his suddenly nerveless fingers.

Dex looked good and Nursey had not been prepared.

He cleared his throat and tried to pull himself back together. “Hey,” he managed. A good start. He gestured at the truck. “So this is new.” Dex had definitely not been driving a big, solid pickup that looked like someone regularly used it for real outdoor work last time Nursey saw him in Boston.

“Oh, yeah,” Dex said over his shoulder as he put Nursey’s suitcase on the small bench seat in the back of the cab. “Traded cars with a cousin since he needed something that could fit carseats now. Plus I’m doing all this handyman stuff, so it worked out for us both.”

Nursey climbed into the passenger seat and buckled his seatbelt on autopilot, distracted by watching Dex shifting gears and smoothly backing them out of the parking space. The sleeves of his flannel were rolled up the way Nursey remembered from college, and sunlight glinted off the little red hairs of his forearms. “It suits you,” he said.

Dex looked over at him and smiled the most relaxed smile Nursey had ever seen on his face. “Thanks.”

Then he turned back to the road and the sunlight glinted off something else.

“Oh my god,” Nursey blurted out before he could stop himself. “Are those piercings?”

Dex turned bright red right on cue. “Yes,” he muttered, hands tightening around the steering wheel.

“Since when?” Nursey asked, fascinated.

“Since high school. I just didn’t wear them when I went to Samwell. I found all my old earrings when I was moving the last of my stuff out of my parents’ house, and…” He shrugged, eyes firmly on the road ahead.

“Unexpected hidden depths, Poindexter,” Nursey said lightly, and was relieved to see Dex relax a little.

“Layers,” Dex replied. “Like an onion.”

Nursey barked a laugh at the unexpected Shrek reference and settled back to watch the passing scenery, interspersed with only occasional glances over at Dex.

~*~*~

“Oh my god,” Nursey breathed as they exited the highway and the residential streets of Dex’s town started to appear. “It’s like something straight out of Murder, She Wrote.”

Dex rolled his eyes and signaled a turn. “You’ve been spending too much time around Holster.”

Nursey’s retort died in an inarticulate noise of protest as they pulled into a driveway next to a yard with an honest-to-god picket fence. He pointed to it incredulously. “Tell me Jessica Fletcher does not live here.”

“Nope, just me,” Dex said, climbing out of the truck and snagging Nursey’s bag. “But you can set up a typewriter in the kitchen if that’s what you need to do.”

“Who are you?” Nursey muttered as he followed Dex inside.

#wip amnesty #nurseydex #post-canon #omgcp #check please #(there are some notes I'll throw into an addition as well)#rhys's stuff

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cleverwordsandotherstuffilike · 8 months

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"The day my father died, I was at the grocery store buying bananas. I remember thinking to myself, “This is insane. Your dad just died. Why the h*** are you buying bananas?” But we needed bananas. We’d be waking up for breakfast tomorrow morning, and there wouldn’t be any bananas—so there I was. And lots of other stuff still needed doing too, so over the coming days I would navigate parking lots, wait in restaurant lines, and sit on park benches; pushing back tears, fighting to stay upright, and in general always being seconds from a total, blubbering, room-clearing freak out. I wanted to wear a sign that said: I JUST LOST MY DAD. PLEASE GO EASY. Unless anyone passing by looked deeply into my bloodshot eyes or noticed the occasional break in my voice and thought enough to ask, it’s not like they’d have known what’s happening inside me or around me. They wouldn’t have had any idea of the gaping sinkhole that had just opened up and swallowed the normal life of the guy next to them in the produce section. And while I didn’t want to physically wear my actual circumstances on my chest, it probably would have caused people around me to give me space or speak softer or move more carefully,—and it might have made the impossible, almost bearable. Everyone around you; the people you share the grocery store line with, pass in traffic, sit next to at work, encounter on social media, and see across the kitchen table—are all experiencing the collateral damage of living. They are all grieving someone, missing someone, worried about someone. Their marriages are crumbling or their mortgage payment is late or they’re waiting on their child’s test results, or they’re getting bananas five years after a death and still pushing back tears because the loss feels as real as it did that first day. Every single human being you pass by today is fighting to find peace and to push back fear; to get through their daily tasks without breaking down in front of the bananas or in the carpool line or at the post office. Maybe they aren’t mourning the sudden, tragic passing of a parent, but wounded, exhausted, pain-ravaged people are everywhere, everyday stumbling all around us—and yet most of the time we’re fairly oblivious to them: - Parents whose children are terminally ill. - Couples in the middle of divorce. - People grieving loss of loved ones and relationships. - Kids being bullied at school. - Teenagers who want to end their lives. - People marking the anniversary of a death. - Parents worried about their depressed teenager. - Spouses whose partners are deployed in combat. - Families with no idea how to keep the lights on. - Single parents with little help and little sleep. Everyone is grieving and worried and fearful, and yet none of them wear the signs, none of them have labels, and none of them come with written warnings reading, I’M STRUGGLING. GO EASY. And since they don’t, it’s up to you and me to look more closely and more deeply at everyone around us: at work or at the gas station or in the produce section, and to never assume they aren’t all just hanging by a thread. Because most people are hanging by a thread—and our simple kindness can be that thread. We need to remind ourselves just how hard the hidden stories around us might be, and to approach each person as a delicate, breakable, invaluable treasure—and to handle them with care. As you make your way through the world today, people won’t be wearing signs to announce their mourning or to alert you to the attrition or to broadcast how terrified they are—but if you look with the right eyes, you’ll see the signs. There are grieving people all around you. Go easy."

John Pavlovitz

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strawberryezpls · 2 years

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Im such a pisces venus like omg

Okay so the posts that i posted today are drafts from a long time ago if u couldnt tell. And just wow i did year up when i did read "i could be like this forver" when referring to peanut butter. Literally on the phone with him rn. Um but i noticed like if i feel hes getting distant i enter flight mode so quick. And the week b4 that was fight mode. Like but i just needed him to talk to me tbh to lmk he actually cares for me as a human being. Oooooooooooooo i dont think we've reached our big fight yet ur orobably like wtf but like the big fight is what determines ir relationship weather u make it through or not. And he told me hes gonna talk to me no matter what. But anyways we hitting 3 months tomorrow, and ill see him Saturday😭 like clockwork. Im just scared like our time together will be so tiny as the months go on bc this man is BUSYYYYYYYY. And i wish i could be as busy as him so i wouldnt have to sit and ponder but like that would tire me out so fast ugh. Anyways i did have a weird ass dream with a snake in it so we better hope im not prego. And i hadba did that bill and i had a kid and ee were doing a drop off thing. Also i wonder when ill have the dream where u give birth and raise yhe chuld and then u wake up greiving that chuld or something. That would scare me tbh. But anyways i did think i was prego like 3 weeks ago 😖🫣 never again. U know whats also never again smoking and taking an eddy during work. Why do i hate myself u ask idk but i couldnt function and went to target and got new books which ig is a good thing. Also money is gonna be tight these days bc im not working as much which is sad. And i wanted to pay for school and birthday shit. Also my bf got mad at me 4 being high and it was lowkey hilarious. Bc hes a cold turkey dude. Anyways thays . My life rn might be accused of being a furry and i just bought furry gloves bc my hands get cold at night driving home and the heater doesnt hit as hard as it should and that doesnt help my case so.. anyways imma get him back both of them. Istg working at a male dominant place will get u into shit u dont wanna be in.

#Spotify

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spicy-tomato · 3 years

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Hello can you do a post about maybe Swaggersouls when he thinks that the reader is bored of him. When she actually was only with zuckles on some party and he thought he was with someone else because she didn't answer the phone. (the battery died) some angst please also have a nice day.

okay lets go boys! this isnt nsfw but its long so im gonna do a keep reading cut. mentions of drug use and alcohol so be warned

You and swagger had been together for about a year now and with his revent streaming schedule it was getting harder and harder to spend time with him. That doesnt mean you dont love him, you just wished he would spend some time with you instead of you falling asleep in an empty bed while he streams. A few days ago you had been invited to a party with mason, so you decided why not? Maybe itll cheer you up after months of going to sleep alone and waking up to a still cold bed. You kept trying to tell swagger but he would just brush you off, so you said fuck it and went.

Zuckles

You here yet cunt?

You sigh and text him back a quick yes before walking in and spotting him. It wasnt a huge party but there were a good few people there, most drinking or smoking on the porch as you smiles and made your way through the crowd.

“Took you long enough! I set up some shots for us” you smile as he passes you a shot glass and you down it quickly. He drags you to the kitchen and sets up more shots. You and him down them quickly before grabbing some beers and moving to the smoke circle, passing the bong in a circle until someone tapped out.

“Thanks for inviting me mase, this is a nice break from whats happening” you sigh and drink more of you beer, finishing it off before standing up. “Do you want anything? Im gonna go grab another beer.” mason shakes his head and you head back to the kitchen and grab a beer before stopping and looking at the table. You see a few bottles of fancy liquor and decide to get some of those instead. Grabbing a cup you mix three of the bottles and drink some. It burns your throat and you gag a little before walking back, determined to finish it and get fucked up. With half the cup down, mason takes it from you with a worried look. “I think youve had enough of that, youre definitely not driving hand me your keys.” you sigh and hand him your bag, dropping your phone in the process to see 15 missed calls from swagger.

“Oh shit” you pick up your phone and rush to the bathroom to call him back.

“Where the fuck are you i was so worried are you okay?” he answers the phone with an anxious tone.

“Like you fucking care, you always choose yours streams over me.” you slur, tears forming in your eyes. Its like i dont exist to you anymore! Im so sick of falling asleep in an empty bed, only having bear there to cuddle. I go to bring you lunch and you tell me to set it on the desk and leave! I feel more like a maid than a partner now!” at this point you were almost sobbing.

“Where are you, im coming to get you.” you sniffle at his answer.

“Im not telling you, i tried to tell you for the past two days but you kept blowing me off, why should you care now?” your face is red and puffy at this point, not sure if youre crying from sadness or anger at this point. “At least mase cares enough to ask how im doing! He took my keys so i cant drive like this!”

“Thats where you are, ill be there in 30 minutes to get you and we can talk about this.” he hangs up and you break down in complete sobs, mason now banging on the door to check on you.

“Let me in, whats wrong?” you shakily unlock the door and he swings it open, grabbing you and pulling you into his chest. You tell him everything, how you feel more like a maid than a partner, how you always wake up without him, how he blows you off or acts like you dont exist, everything. He sighs and holds you closer, petting your hair and trying to calm you down. A slamming door can be heard as swagger gets there, moving quickly to the bathroom and shooting mason a glance that says for him to get out. He quickly stands up and leaves before swagger shuts the door and sits next to you.

“Let me explain...i felt like you were getting sick of me and got scared. I thought if i distanced myself it would hurt less when you ended it. I feel like i havent been enough for you over the past year and i thought you figured that out, that you were going to leave me. I never wanted to hurt you like this i just figured it would be easier for me if i did that.” he sighs and moves a hand to your cheek.

“Why didnt you just talk to me? Why just up and ignore me? I felt like a ghost in our own home” you wipe your eyes and look at him sadly.

“I dont know, i was scared of facing you and hearing you say it to my face. Please, just let me take you home and make it up to you. Let me take care of you through your hangover and take you to breakfast. Let me win you over like the first time again.” you sniffle and smile at him.

“Fine, but i wont be easy to impress this time.” he chuckles and helps you stand up, one arm around your waist to keep you upright as he leads you to the car.

“Ill shoot mason a text and tell him to drop your stuff by the apartment tomorrow.” you nod and step into the car, moving to hold his hand. He quickly accepts and starts a drive home. You start to fall asleep on the way back and once home, he picks you up, carrying you to the bedroom and laying you down softly before crawling up next to you. He moves the covers over the both of you before pulling you to his chest and kissing your head.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” you mumble back half awake.

“Ill never hurt you again”

#swaggersouls x reader #swagger x reader #misfits x reader #swagger angst #swaggersouls angst #misfits angst #im so sorry this one hurt my soul too #no beta we die like men i havent slept in days

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kaimelia · 3 years

Text

fix you

a/n: hi! I received an ask a while ago asking if I wanted amelia to be pregnant in s18, and this is how I would want it to play out if she was!

also, i may not be posting for a little. my grandmother passed away yesterday, so life’s a little rough right now :( this was pre-written

------------------------

Two lines.

Two lines staring back at her, two lines that were aggressively red, two lines that she had been dreading seeing.

She'd ignored the symptoms for the longest time. Her late cycle was blamed on stress, weight gain due to the lack of care for herself, nausea stemming from how anxious she constantly felt.

It wasn't until Meredith noticed how Scout had been acting oddly and mentioned how clingy Bailey had gotten while she was pregnant with Ellis, as Scout had just finished crying after Amelia put him in his crib and put him back on her hip to calm him.

She snuck two pregnancy tests into their grocery run the next day, and maybe Meredith had seen it, but she knew not to say anything.

And now, she was on the floor of the bathroom, waiting for the results of the second stick to confirm her fear. That she was pregnant.

Having a second child had previously been hypothetical, and even the thought of it caused Amelia to feel ill. Now, she wasn't sure if she was about to puke because of the baby inside of her or because she knew about the baby inside of her.

And then, Meredith was behind her, running a hand up and down Amelia's back as Amelia heaved the little food she had forced herself to eat that morning despite how terrible she felt. "Amelia," Meredith whispered, sitting down beside her sister after she finished throwing up, "hey, you're okay." Amelia noticed how the other woman had started using her 'Mom' voice, the same one she used to comfort Ellis after she scraped her knee on the playground. She frowned. "How far along?"

"I don't know, maybe six weeks? I've only missed one period," she muttered, gripping the side of the ceramic bowl. "I can't do this, Mer; I can't bring another kid into this world." Meredith placed her hand on Amelia's shoulder and squeezed it gently.

"And you don't have to. You have options, Amelia; you're early enough that if you don't want to have this baby, it's as easy as going to a clinic and taking a pill." The neurosurgeon reached up, flushing the toilet and watching as the water swirled around. "You're hesitant."

"Link wants another kid," she muttered, staring at the water as it calmed in the bowl.

"Link hasn't been here except to pick up Scout, Amelia. You should tell him, but what he wants shouldn't dictate the decision you make."

"He wants another kid, and I don't know if he'll still love me if I don't want that, too. But I can't do it, Mer; I can't have another baby without losing myself, without compromising my sobriety or ruining everything I have; I can't do it." She leaned back against the cool ceramic of the bathtub, sighing heavily. "I have to tell him."

"You do. But, take some time to process it yourself, first. Go get some good sleep and think things through, make sure that you're completely sure of what you want, think through what you're going to tell him." The brunette nodded as her sister spoke, pushing herself off of the bathroom floor and wobbling slightly as she stood. "Maybe get some food in your body. You look like you're going to pass out." Amelia wrapped her arms over her stomach tightly. "Can I make you something?"

------------------------

"Hey, can you come inside for a minute?" Amelia muttered, pointing towards the living room behind her. "I need to talk to you." Link watched her with wide eyes, entering the house and dropping Scout's bag on the floor of the entryway, placing Scout in the pack-n-play in the room.

"What's going on?" Link asked, hesitantly sitting down on the couch across from her.

"I'm pregnant." He quickly flashed a toothy grin before shaking it away, matching the expression on her face. "And, I'm telling you because you have a right to know, but I'm not going to keep the baby."

"Do I not get a say in this?"

"It's my body. This baby would be inside of me for the next eight and a half months, and then I would be breastfeeding and recovering for god knows how long. Link," Amelia leaned forward, clasping her hands together, "I'm doing everything I can to stay sober and be a mother for Scout right now. And I'm telling you that I cannot continue to do that if I keep this baby." He pursed his lips and stared past her, nodding his head slowly as he processed and thought. Amelia watched his face as if she could see wheels turning inside of his brain. He ran a hand through his hair.

"When's the appointment?"

"A week from tomorrow," she muttered, pulling her sleeves down to cover her hands.

"Do you want me there? I can, I can drive you if you want me to hold your hand, or if you just need me to take Scout," he blinked quickly, finally meeting her eyes. "What can I do?"

"You're not upset with me?" Her eyes watered as Link moved to sit closer to her on the couch, placing his hand on her knee, his thumb rubbing soft patterns in comfort.

"No, of course not. I didn't understand why before; I thought you were just uncertain about it, but I don't want you to risk yourself or your health to have another baby, Amelia. So, so if getting an abortion is what you need to do, I'm on board." She brought her hand up to her mouth, biting at a hangnail on her finger as a tear fell from her eyes. "Why did you think I would be upset with you?"

"Things haven't been normal between us for months, and you want another kid so badly; I thought that you wouldn't love me if I didn't keep the baby," she whispered, tears falling freely from her eyes as she spoke. Link reached up and brought her hand away from her mouth, wiping her cheeks with his sleeve and holding her hand in his.

"Is it okay if I hug you?" He paused, waiting until she nodded to wrap his arms around her tightly, her head settling on his chest with a content sigh escaping his mouth. "Amelia, I love you no matter what; I don't need another baby to know that I love you and want to be with you," he kissed the top of her head. "I'm here. I will always be here."

------------------------

"Okay, heating pad, blanket, and that disgusting ice cream you love," Link whispered, handing her a carton and a spoon. Amelia smiled at him from the couch and took the lid off of the ice cream, digging her spoon in and scooping a large amount into her mouth, her eyes rolling back in enjoyment.

"Mm," she moaned, "this is the best thing ever." He shook his head in amusement.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"Sit with me?" He nodded, kicking off his shoes and sitting on the couch, gently pulling her towards him. She cringed at his touch.

"Still cramping?"

"Crampy and crappy," she muttered, spooning more ice cream into her mouth. "But sober and alive. And, I'm grateful for that."

"So am I," he whispered, placing his head on her shoulder and leaning it against her head. "Thank you for telling me why you didn't want another kid. And, I'm sorry for making you think I would be upset with you." Amelia sniffled and laid her head back.

"Thank you for being here, for putting everything aside."

"Hey, don't cry," Link laughed softly, bringing his arm around to wipe her eyes.

"My body's still trying to get rid of the hormones," she muttered, blinking away tears in her eyes that were wiped away by Link as soon as they fell down her face. "You're really comforting, even when you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you; I just think that we got so caught up in our lives that we forgot to be us. I forgot to check-in, and I'm pissed as hell at myself for doing that." He wiped away more tears from her eyes.

"Can we have this conversation sometime when my body isn't overwhelmed with hormones?" Link nodded and laughed gently, kissing the side of her head and adjusting his body so that she could lean back. "I'm not-I'm not just magically better now; I still need to work things through, and I need you to know that."

"I know. And whatever I can do, whether it's driving you to meetings or giving you space, just tell me. I love you, Amelia, and I want to work through this."

"I love you, too," she responded softly, shifting to lay against his body.

"Get some rest," he whispered, pulling a blanket over her body. "I'll be right here when you wake up."

#amelink #amelia shepherd #atticus lincoln #amelia x link #amelink fanfiction #grey's anatomy #amelink fanfic #greys abc #greys fanfic #scout lincoln #meredith grey #my fics

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bonjour-rainycity · 3 years

Text

Double Heart | Chapter Fourteen ~ Haldir

|previous part|

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1754

Warnings: TW -- mentions of illness

**Read on Ao3 under the user “bonjour_rainycity” if you prefer!**

A/n Can I just say, that I TRULY believe I have some of the best readers in the entire world? Each of you is so kind, so encouraging, and you take time out of your day to read this story!! Thank you, each and every one of you, so, so much!

Immediately after leaving Cosima’s room, I seek out Baranor. I don’t want to leave her alone and must find a task to calm my mind. Though Cosima sounded sure of her ailment being non-severe, humans are so fragile. What if she were to sway like she did earlier but didn’t have me there to catch her? She could fall to the stone floor and crack her head open.

I freeze. Should I go back?

No. I stop myself. She said she would be fine, I have to respect that. Besides, I sigh, focusing on the bigger picture. I can check on her tomorrow. In the meantime, Baranor might have insight.

It’s still early, only five o’clock or so, and Baranor is exactly where I expect him to be — the healing wards. Like me, his is not prone to taking an extended period without work.

He sees me coming and greets me with a smile, passing along a small jar to another healer clothed in a robe of pale green. “We’re attempting to develop a new salve for burns,” he explains. “What brings you to the healing wards?”

I sigh, suddenly feeling exhausted under the stress of the last twenty minutes. So much could have gone wrong. “Cosima.”

Baranor’s brow furrows in concern and he directs me to what looks to be an extra office loaned to him — it’s already covered in his belongings and notes. He sits in the oversized chair behind the desk, clasping his hands in front of him. “What happened?”

I practically sink into the chair across from him. “We agreed to meet this evening in her room so I could begin to teach her self-defense. She seemed fine when I arrived — her usual personality, bright eyes, didn’t seem tired. One second she was laughing, and the next, gasping in pain. I-I mean, Baranor, you should have seen it.” I gulp at the memory, reliving the moment Cosima’s condition shifted. “All the life left her face and she swayed like she was going to faint. I caught her and sat her on the couch but she pitched forward and nearly vomited. She said she had a headache. When the sickness and pain faded enough for her to open her eyes, she looked absolutely exhausted. She said she wants to rest so I left her room and came straight here.”

Baranor nods, looking calm. “How long did the episode last?”

I concentrate on the memory, though everything in me wants to shy away. “Maybe three minutes?”

Baranor dips his head as if expecting this. “Humans are much more fragile than elves—you know this. If they do not sleep enough or get proper nutrients, they can become susceptible to headaches and mild sicknesses — even stress can have that effect on them. Sometimes headaches can be severe, in which case they are called migraines and usually come with nausea, dizziness, and more intense pain.”

My eyes widen. That’s terrifying. Such normal things that wouldn’t do much to an elf — stress, inadequate sleep, water, food — can incapacitate a human. How much more vulnerable to serious circumstances they must be — injury, for instance.

But Baranor only looks infuriatingly serene. I have to remind myself that he encounters things like this every day, even if he does typically treat ellyn. Mild fluctuations in health do not alarm him because he knows how they are likely to turn out and how to threat a patient if their health declines further.

“I will check on her in the morning after she’s had time to rest, but do not worry, mellon nîn. This is just something that happens to humans from time to time.”

I take a deep breath, leaning against the back of the chair. “Alright. Thank you. I’m sorry to burst in on your work.”

He waves off my apology. But, after a pause, he grimaces.

My stomach sinks. “What?”

He speaks much too slowly for my liking. “I do not want to alarm you, but there’s a chance Elrond might mention something to you or your brothers, and I’d rather you hear it from me so you are not caught off guard.”

I feel my eyes widening and attempt to reign in my expression. “What, Baranor?”

He sighs. “When we first encountered Cosima, she was as good as dead. Her fæ was so far gone, I had to expend serious energy calling her back. I…I had hoped that because she had actually made the choice to wake up that she would acclimate well—make a full recovery. When I dealt with her arm after the attack, I again used the power in my fæ to heal her. I noticed that there is still something…‘off’ in her own fæ.”

I feel my jaw lock. A roaring rushes through my ears. “Off?”

“Yes,” Baranor nods steadily. “Alex’s is the same way. Both the human spirits seem…torn, almost, or wounded. Like I said, ‘off’. I spoke to Elrond and he has agreed to work with them both. He believes their memory loss could related to the injuries in their fæs and, as we heal their memories, their fæs will repair themselves. Our working theory is that the memory loss is so severe it has caused the fæ to forget, almost like the memories were violently cut out of it. I do not know what that means but I think it likely originated when they arrived in this world, possibly before when they somehow transferred from their world to ours — it’s logical to think that had some impact on their fæs.”

I exhale slowly, taking all this information in.

It is alarming, to say the least.

A fæ should not be damaged…it could cause an elf to fade.

But humans are different, I reason. The health of their spirits isn’t tied to their longevity. Well — I have to correct myself. Maybe it is and humans just don’t live long enough to know for sure. I try to turn my focus back to Baranor — these worrisome thoughts are not helpful. “Do you believe this poses a threat to them?”

Baranor grimaces. “I cannot say for sure, but my instinct is that it’s not as long as they receive proper care — almost a physical therapy of sort, but for their fæs. Again, I would not have bothered you with this if I didn’t think Elrond might bring it up.”

I set him with a stern look. “Any information about the health of those in my care is of concern to me. I ask that you keep me updated.”

He bows his head. “Of course.”

I stand, feeling like I need sleep but knowing my mind is racing too much to do so. I say farewell to my friend and catch an attendant on the way to my room, requesting that dinner be sent to my chambers. I don’t feel like eating in the company of the hall. Part of me wonders if I should have the attendant take food to Cosima, just in case she’s decided she’s hungry, but I remind myself that she is perfectly capable of requesting her own dinner. If she wishes to eat, she can arrange it.

That doesn’t stop me from tucking away a banana and some bread just in case she hasn’t eaten by the time I visit her tomorrow. Proper nutrients, enough rest, sufficient hydration, and low stress.

Right as I cut into dinner, Rumil swaggers in with a plate of his own. He snorts, joining me at the small table. “Great minds, huh?” He leans towards me, furrowing his brow and studying me more intently. “Are you alright? You look pale.”

I roll my eyes, trying to cover my anxiety. “I’m always pale.”

Rumil huffs. “Come on, what’s bothering you?”

I sigh. Rumil is probably going to hear it from Elrond or Baranor anyway, so I may as well tell him. I start from the beginning. “I visited Cosima this evening.” Rumil sits back in his chair, a strange look in his eye. Could he already know? How? “I meant to teach her to defend herself, but not long after I arrived, she—she just got sick. Within a moment’s difference, she was nearly collapsed on the floor.” I shake my head against the memories but dutifully recount the full story to my brother, including Baranor’s observations and theory.

By the end, Rumil slumps in his seat, staring over my shoulder with a distant look in his eye. He’s silent for a long time.

“Haldir I…I owe you an apology. Cosima, too, though I don’t think she’d understand why.”

I furrow my eyebrows. What could he be sorry for?

“I’ve been teasing you both lately and have been encouraging your feelings for each other. It was wrong of me — I didn’t consider her mortality and what pursing a relationship with her would mean. I won’t do it anymore, I promise. Can you forgive me?”

I blink. What? “I don’t have feelings for her.”

Rumil sets me with a dubious look. “I’m your brother, you can be honest with me.”

“I don’t have feelings for her,” I repeat, more forcefully this time. Rumil’s being ridiculous. And the youngest of my brothers — his age is showing.

He huffs, looking to the ceiling as if to request strength from the Valar. “Are you really so unaware of yourself? Of her?” At my look of annoyance, he groans, seeming like he wants to push it. I set my shoulders, making it clear that we will be discussing this no further.

Finally, Rumil shakes his head, turning his gaze to his meal. “Fine, I am sorry, I can see I’ve overstepped my bounds. Forget it.”

I return to my food, watching my brother warily. His shoulders sag and he looks almost…scared. His distress is apparent, even if his accusations are baseless. He brings his eyes back to mine and the grief there causes me to freeze. What is going on with my brother?

“But Haldir…Be careful. She will be dead long before this age is done, and that is if she chooses to stay in this world.”

My fork falls to my plate.

A hollow, aching feeling makes my chest feel tight.

I don’t even know what to say to that.

Rumil stands and places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing briefly. Then, he makes for the exit. “I will leave you to your thoughts.”

And then he closes the door behind him and I am indeed alone with these terrifying thoughts.

A/n This one is shorter than the others I’ve posted, but I feel like it’s kinda dense and it was a good place to leave off. Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs make my day! Also, if you have any thoughts/theories, I would love to know those! @eru-vande sent me one the other day and it was really fun!

|next part|

|masterlist|

Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist

Double Heart tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff

#tw mentions of illness #haldir #rumil #orophin #haldir x oc #haldir x ofc #haldir fanfic #haldir fanfiction

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heart-strong · 3 years

Text

The Strongest Sense

Couple: Aaron Hotchner and enby Spencer Reid

Summary: (hurt/ comfort and fluff) After a long case and not enough sleep Aaron finds Spencer awake in the kitchen having intrusive thoughts.

WC: 2.6k

CW: talk about 5x01 (Aaron getting stabbed, Spencer getting shot), misgendering, nightmare, Haley's death mentioned, thoughts of self-harm (not actually self-harming tho), panic attacks, and mental illness mentioned. Tell me if I missed something, I’ll add it no question.

A/N: So about a month it was 2 in the morning and I was feeling really shitty about myself and my bestie just said "Evie you get really depressed when you're tired." and so I wrote the original draft of this and then went to bed. The wonderful @hermes-creature betaed for me go check them out!

read on AO3

- - -

Aaron shifts in the thick blankets, not opening his eyes just yet. Finally home after a week and the detailed case, he is happy to be in his bed. But as he turns his body into his pillow, Aaron registers the weight and sound of Spencer's weighted blanket on top of him. Times like this make him realize why Spencer likes the blanket; the weight makes it easier to sink into the bed. Except the blanket being on Aaron means Spencer is not in bed. He reaches out to his left just to double-check and feels the sheets cold. Aaron opens his eyes and turns to his nightstand, seeing it is only a quarter past two. He shucks off the blankets overpowering him and grasps for the pajama pants on the floor. The ones Spencer asked him to take off, "I want to feel your skin on mine, Aaron." Locating them, he shucks the cotton pants on and leaves the bedroom without another wasted second.

As he walks further down the hall and descends the stairs, the light brightens until he reaches the kitchen threshold. Spencer has curved his back over the kitchen island with lunch meats, a box of fruit snacks, and crackers with baggies, post-its, and markers are strewn around. Aaron has done this before; he walks to the other side of the kitchen island to the sink, pulling out two mugs and filling the tea kettle with water.

Spencer will have nightmares that don't wake Aaron. Then he will be up for a while before he can't sit still anymore. He leaves the bed to make or rearrange the lunches, reading a book, listening to music from his childhood to help him fall back asleep on the couch. This is a habit, but it doesn't make Aaron worry any less. Now he sets the stove alight and finally looks at Spencer.

Spencer's hair is sticking up in the back and right side, probably from watching Aaron sleep. His glasses are perched on the bridge of his nose, and one leg is tucked under an arm, contorting his body to be comfortable. He recognizes the oversized sweatshirt as his own as Spencer's one hand is swallowed up by the sleeve and atop his knee. Aaron also notes it's the knee he got shot no less than a year prior; the leg isn't covered in any fabric. He is currently scribbling a note on a blue post-it. When he secures it onto Jack's sandwich bag, he looks up at Aaron.

"Hey," Spencer whispers, careful not to wake Jack even though the boy could sleep through a hurricane.

"Hi," Aaron smiles, and as he hears the water start to boil, and turns it off before the whistle sounds. "What kind?"

"Peppermint, please."

"Of course." Aaron pulls out the box with the tea, taking out two bags and pouring the water, walking around to where Spencer is and sitting before he speaks again. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, but then you got out of bed for nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing,' Spence? You weren't in bed. You are half of my everything." Aaron reaches for Spencer's hand, but the younger man does not respond. Not even to flinch away as he sometimes did when the nightmares were most horrific.

"I wanted to cut," Spencer says as he weaves his fingers with Aarons.

"Baby, you could have woken me up." He feels 80 pounds heavier. What had he done to make Spencer not want to wake him when he thought of such dark things. Nothing Hotchner, he thinks to himself, Spencer's mental illness speaks louder when he's tired. At least that's what he thought; after long nights on a case, it always seemed harder for Spencer to find peace in his brain.

"Was it anything specific?" Aaron asked. Sometimes old cases where the team lost the unsub or victims hunted Spencer at night.

"Next week's going to be a year since I got shot and you were stabbed, Aaron."

"Oh." Aaron didn't realize it was that close; he still got pain all over because of that day. Or more like night. Time. That awful time.

"And it's hurting again," Spencer says. He got that far-off look that lets Aaron know to not interrupt, to just let him ramble. Making sure to tighten his grip on Spencer's hand but otherwise leave it be. "The dream was me getting shot, and it hurt just as bad. And then you were there. You were sitting above me, holding me. But then, where my hand was, on your shirt started to feel damp. The blood was soaking through your shirt. You fell unconscious, and I was sitting there helpless. The rest of the team took care of the press and Myers, and you're just bleeding out while I can't even hug you. Then I woke up, and my leg was hurting, and I just felt the dream both emotionally and physically, and I didn't want to tell you because it's the same day Foyet stabbed you. I didn't want to remind you. I just started thinking, if I need another surgery, how long will I need to stay back? How long will I hinder the team more than help? How long would I have to rely on your help so I can do basic things? Why would you want to help me again?"

"Hey, Spencer." Aaron can't let this go on further. "You just finished up a week-long case that ended with you needing to run to catch the unsub. Your knee probably hurts because you were on a plane not 12 hours ago, and you haven't been sleeping well since we were on a case. Your brain is overworked and now overthinking, Baby. Now, I am not trying to downplay your pain in any way, but this week has not been easy. Can we go back to bed? I can prop up your knee, and we can stay up talking. Give me all your thoughts, so you don't have to hold them to yourself. That sound okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Spencer lifts the cooled tea to his mouth, finishing the rest. "But I can't walk," he added, suddenly laying on prime puppy eyes. "Can you carry me?" finishing it off with grabby hands blooming out of his sweatshirt sleeve and directed to Aaron as he stands reaching across the island for his tea.

He laughs, shaking his head down at Spencer. Aaron then pushes the hair that's fallen into his eyes away, tucking it behind his ear and moving into Spencer's arms. "I guess I can do that, but just this once. Can I finish my tea?"

"I guess." Spencer pouts as he wraps his arms around his boyfriend's middle.

Aaron drinks the room temperature drink while his fingers comb Spencer's hair flat. Spencer nuzzles into Aaron's abdomen, pressing his nose to his boyfriend and breathing in deep. A gesture that comforts them both, Spencer's weight on Aaron and loving his body no matter the damage. Because their job has damaged them physically. But Aaron prided himself that he could pick up Spencer and hold him the way he needs when the worst thoughts run rampant.

Aaron sets the cup back on the kitchen island and places his now empty hand into Spencer's hair. Spencer looks up at Aaron when his hands go to the nape of his neck, and Aaron can't help himself.

"Would a kiss help your pain?"

"It couldn't hurt more."

Moving one hand to Spencer's jaw and leaning down, they connect in a chaste kiss. It ends quickly with Aaron just melting into Spencer, kissing a trail from his mouth to jaw to neck, and hugging the younger man.

"Babe, I'm so sleepy." Spencer wines.

"Okay," Aaron laughs into Spencer's neck. "Shall we go back to bed?"

Aaron feels Spencer nod rather than sees it. He scoops up Spencer, taking his hand from Spencer's jaw and looping it under his knees. It earns a squeal from Spencer and makes Aaron smile.

Back in their room, Aaron sets Spencer on the big armchair in the corner of the bedroom surrounded by stacks of books. Spencer picks up a book off the top of one stack as Aaron flicks on the lamp on his nightstand. Usually, this chair is also adorned with Aaron's pressed suit he chose for that day. But tomorrow there is no work; tomorrow is a day in bed with his love and his son shuffling through the Netflix movie choices.

After setting Spencer down, Aaron grabs the glasses for water they both have on their nightstands and fills them with fresh water from their bathroom. Then back in the bedroom, Aaron sets up pillows halfway down the bed. He walks back to Spencer and picks him back up, kissing the top of his head. Then placing him on the bed and holding his knee gently as he adjusts the pillows perfectly for Spencer.

"Um, Ar, can you get another squishy one? There's more in the corner of the closet."

"Of course, my Love." Aaron lowers Spencer's knee to the pillow, squeezing his shin, and walks to the closet. After rummaging in the closet between Spencer's cane and brace, he finds one. "Is this one good?" He raises it above his head and squishes it for Spencer to see. It collapses immediately.

"Yes, and babe, my glasses are on the dresser, please?"

"Yes, anything else, my Prince?"

Spencer swallows before responding, "Gender-neutral pronouns?"

Aaron turns, glasses limp in his hand, looking at Spencer sitting in their bed. Not 20 minutes ago, Spencer told Aaron he wanted to cut when he woke. Now he didn't want to be a 'he.'

"Sweetheart, wait is that okay," Spencer nods to the fifth nickname that night. "How long have you been feeling these things? The self stuff and self-harm."

"I took some classes really early on in undergraduate, and I was intrigued. Then I went into the bureau, and Gideon told me how to look professional, and since he left, I kinda have been looking at things more."

"Spence," Aaron walks back to the bed and joins Spencer, handing them their glasses. "It's been about two years since Gideon left. Why haven't you told me."

"We weren't together. And then we were, and I didn't feel like myself because I didn't have Gideon to tell me what to do, how to look, and I had all these thoughts and you. God Aaron, you were so solid until, well."

"Yeah." They both knew they didn't have to say what the 'until' was. Aaron sits on the bed, placing the pillow below Spencer's knee. "I can't believe it hasn't been a year. And Jack, I am unbelievably glad I have you and Jessica, but sometimes he doesn't understand she's not coming back, and my little boy breaks my heart."

"Aaron, you don't have to," Spencer takes Aaron's hand and drags him closer to their body.

"No, Spence, I said we'll share our thoughts."

"But I don't want you to be sad."

"Do you want to change the subject?"

"Only if you want to," Spencer says. "But I want you to hold me, please. Like when I have panic attacks?"

"Of course. "Aaron takes the blankets where he folded them back before he placed Spencer in the bed and fit to their body. "Do you want your weighted blanket, or will it hurt more?"

"Can you take it off, please and be my weighted blanket tonight?" Spencer cards their hand through the short hairs by their boyfriend's ear before he leans away, picking up the 20-pound blanket and throwing it off the bed. "Thanks, Baby."

"Hey, that's your nickname." Aaron lies back down, slides his hand up their side, under their shirt, and swings his leg between Spencers, scooting as close to their side he can possibly get without hurting. "Unless you don't want that anymore. We can come up with others. I really,"

"Aaron, Babe. I just said it to throw you off. You can keep calling me 'Baby.'"

"Okay." He breathes out, thumping his head on Spencer's shoulder and moving his other hand up to Spencer's throat. Aaron feels the blood rushing beneath his fingers and threading them through the hair on Spencer's neck. "But," he looks up to meet Spencer's eyes. "What do you want me to call you?"

"Partner?" Spencer speaks as if they were answering Aaron when at work about the timeline for the geographical profile.

"Okay. I can do that." Aaron lays his head on Spencer's heart, still looking up at them. "What do you want Jack to call you? Do you want to tell Jack?"

"Jack can call me Spencer or Spencie like he does already." Spencer won't make eye contact as they sink their head into the fluffy pillow behind their head. "We just have to talk to him about it. I know of this book for kids. It's a chapter book, but super simple, and we can read it to him. It's a way to explain to kids transgender and pronouns."

"That sounds perfect. Do you want to tell the team?"

"Well, and don't be mad, but Penelope already knows and kinda Derek. I just told him that I was doing self-talk in gender-neutral pronouns recently, and he just told me to keep him up to date."

"Spencer, I am so sorry that I made you feel like I would get mad at you. We work with people and kids constantly going through similar things, and they are always afraid of telling their significant others. They think they'll leave them because of it. I understand. And with Penny."

"Right." and as Spencer realizes what Aaron said, they shoot up in bed. "Oww," They scream as their knee-jerked when they sat up.

"Hey, you okay, Baby?" Aaron sits up as he was relocated to Spencer's lap when they sat up. He then grabs Spencer's face on both sides and strokes his thumbs over their cheekbones.

Spencer nods with a whimper that sounded to be a close resemblance to a positive confirmation. "You didn't make me feel bad. It's exactly what you said. It's just harder to tell significant others rather than friends sometimes. Especially when friends are in the queer community."

"Well, I'm glad you told me, baby." Aaron kisses Spencer's cheek. "do you want to lay down again?"

"Yes, please. How you were before was really comfortable."

"Okay." Aaron lowered Spencer's head back onto the pillow. He slotted himself snugly to Spencer's body, one arm up to their shirt and the other brushing back the hair that had fallen into Spencer's eyes. "like this?"

"Yes. Um," Spencer wriggles their shoulders into the pillows then wraps their arms around Aaron. "I like being able to look at you like this. And your body is nice pressure."

"So much so you might fall asleep?" Aaron's dancing his fingers back against Spencer's artery.

"No." Spencer then yawns, covering their mouth with the sleeve of the sweatshirt sleeve tucked under their thumb, making 'sweater paws.'

"My pretty Spencer, you need to sleep," Aaron says. "You'll feel better after a long night's sleep, and if you don't, still thinking those bad things, I'll call the team phyc."

And there, in the warm glow of the bedside table lamps and the weight of their boyfriend, their accepting love-of-their-life boyfriend, Spencer shuts their eyes. Feeling safe as they feel their own blood rush and touch of Aaron's fingers.

"I love you, Spence," Aaron mouths into their throat.

And in response, Spencer tips their mouth to Aaron's hair. "I love you, Aaron." Making sure their nose is full of Aaron, as it's the strongest sense.

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givemeonebreath · 3 years

Text

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways.

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again. We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling. But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through. In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you.

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this But I just don't have the patience anymore

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream And you want to shout But you've built up steam And you can't let it out This is pressure

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water Can't go on Can't go back Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?" Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

#linked universe #linkeduniverse #listening to music while I stare blankly at nothing is legit my number one hobby #and then shit like this happens #linked universe playlist

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jaimehwatson · 3 years

Text

I made another Snowpiercer playlist!

After posting my Wilford/Audrey playlist a while ago, I added some songs that didn’t quite make the cut to a different playlist, intending to put together another similar one. But rather than focusing on just one ship this time, I also ended up getting really interested in theorizing about what Wilford’s relationship with Melanie might have been like before the Freeze, and exploring the idea that maybe there was something going on there and some kind of love triangle with Audrey.

So here’s my new playlist, full of absolute jams that could apply to any combination of relationships involving Wilford, Audrey, and Melanie, and/or just general Snowpiercer vibes! Read on for more detail about the songs I selected, and as before, content warning for references to canon abuse & self-harm/suicide.

1. “The Tradition” by Halsey

Oh, the loneliеst girl in town Was bought for plenty a price Well, they dress her up in golden crowns His smile hides a lie

She smiles back, but it's a fact That her fear will eat her alive Well, she got the life that she wanted But now all she does is cry

Thanks @onetrainsnowpiercer for getting me into this excellent album! I thought it would be fitting to kick off the playlist with one that could suit the earlier days of Wilford’s relationship with Audrey, like my previous playlist was more focused on.

2. “cardigan” by Taylor Swift

'Cause I knew you Steppin' on the last train Marked me like a bloodstain, I

I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy, I

I knew you Leavin' like a father Running like water, I And when you are young, they assume you know nothing

Did you think I would make a Snowpiercer playlist without Taylor Swift on it? Not a chance. I picture this one being more from Melanie’s perspective, reflecting on possibly having had some kind of ill-fated romance with Wilford when she was young and naive.

3. “No Children” by The Mountain Goats

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow I hope it bleeds all day long Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises We're pretty sure they're all wrong

I hope it stays dark forever I hope the worst isn't over And I hope you blink before I do And I hope I never get sober

The only reason this perennial favourite of mine wasn’t on the first playlist was that I had too many Mountain Goats songs already and wanted to keep things balanced. But this one got all the ones that didn’t make it to the first playlist plus some more I thought about later, so I’m kind of giving up on that balance by now. They just have a lot of great songs about terrible relationships, and I love them all so much.

4. “Gold Guns Girls” by Metric

I remember when we were gambling to win Everybody else said, "Better luck next time." I don't wanna bend like the bad girls bend I just wanna be your friend Is it ever gonna be enough?

This is another one that I can picture being about young Melanie, gradually growing more aware of everything that’s terribly wrong with Wilford and his approach to life, and of how little he cares to try to fix it.

5. “You’ve Haunted Me All My Life” by Death Cab for Cutie

And there's a flaw in my heart's design For I keep trying to make you mine

You've haunted me all my life You've haunted me all my life You are the mistress I can't make a wife And you've haunted me all my life

And this one I can see being Wilford thinking about either one of the women, and his unhealthy attachment to them and inability to keep them around for very long—maybe once he’s finally reunited with them both on some level in season 2, but still can’t fully persuade them both over to his side.

6. “Old College Try” by The Mountain Goats

From the cities to the swamplands From the highways to the hills Our love has never had a leg to stand on From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils

But I will walk down to the end with you If you will come all the way down with me

Another Mountain Goats classic. If you divorce it from its context of being from a concept album about a horrible marriage, I actually think this song is kind of sweet in the way it describes a couple still committing to try to make things work despite a whole host of problems. But never mind that now, because I’m putting it back in the new context of a whole collection of horrible romantic relationships!

7. “Risk” by Metric

So you're beaten up but you bounce back It’s all part of the pull And the story runs like a soundtrack We repeat 'til we're full Started slow, started late Started strong, then we lost faith Started slow, started to lose control The more we accelerate, the more we accelerate

Half of arranging any playlist I make is just trying to split up the Mountain Goats and Metric songs so that they aren’t always clumped together. Anyway, this one seems especially fitting to me in its imagery of a speeding vehicle of some kind (it’s a train, I’m always picturing a train) alongside its description of a relationship going badly.

8. “Big God” by Florence + The Machine

You know I still like you the most The best of the best and the worst of the worst Well, you can never know The places that I go I still like you the most You'll always be my favourite ghost

I think this one could be any one of the three of them contemplating their complex feelings about the past at some point around season 2.

9. “I Still Do” by The Cranberries

I don't want to leave you Even though I have to I don't want to love you Oh, I still do

There aren’t as many specifics that match the characters going on in the lyrics here, since it’s more of just a general break-up song, but I also really like the creepy way it sounds.

10. “Fault Lines” by The Mountain Goats

But none of the money we spend Seems to do us much good in the end I got a cracked engine block, both of us do

Yeah, the house and the jewels, the Italian racecar They don't make us feel better about who we are I got termites in the framework, so do you

This one feels really fitting for pre-Freeze Wilford, especially the engine imagery!

11. “I Don’t Care” by Fall Out Boy

Say my name and his in the same breath I dare you to say they taste the same Let the leaves fall off in the summer And let December glow in flames

Erase myself and let go Start it over again in Mexico These friends, they don't love you They just love the hotel suites

Another song that is simply a) an absolute jam, and b) generally fitting for my favourite obscenely rich asshole and his terrible relationships

12. “You asked for this” by Halsey

I want my cake on a silver platter I want a fistful in my hands I want a beautiful boy's despondent laughter I wanna ruin all my plans I want a fist around my throat I wanna cry so hard, I choke I want everything I asked for

This one I can picture as Audrey—or maybe Melanie too, but especially Audrey—beginning to regret getting involved with Wilford, but only once she’s in way too deep for leaving to be a safe or easy decision.

13. “my tears ricochet” by Taylor Swift

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

Much like several other Taylor Swift songs, I just know in my heart that it’s the type of music Wilford listens to in secret, while possibly drunk and definitely singing along very dramatically. This one he dedicates to Melanie once they’ve met up again in season 2.

14. “Speed the Collapse” by Metric

All the way from where we came Built a mansion in a day Distant lightning, thunder claps Watched our neighbor's house collapse Looked the other way

This one has a lot of good apocalyptic imagery that I can imagine scoring Wilford’s life in the last few years before the Freeze, as he makes his plans to save himself and let so many others die.

15. “Ox Baker Triumphant” by The Mountain Goats

I will thank my ride and crawl my way back inside To the guts of the building where my enemies Hide in the dark like roaches And I will signal the camera crew and everyone will do What he's been trained how to do Sweat dripping from my face as my moment approaches

Click your heels, count to three I bet you never expected me A little worse for wear Practically walking on air

I love this song a lot, and listening to it lately makes me imagine Wilford plotting his revenge while on his way to catch up with Snowpiercer before the end of season 1.

16. “Firewood” by Regina Spektor

The piano is not firewood yet But the cold does get cold So it soon might be that I'll take it apart, call up my friends And we'll warm up our hands by the fire

Don't look so shocked Don't judge so harsh You don't know You’re only spying Everyone knows it's going to hurt But at least we'll get hurt trying

This has to be one of my favourite songs of all time. It’s very beautiful, and I love the piano in it. I’ve always personally interpreted it to be at least partially about someone surviving a suicide attempt, and the overall imagery about burning a piano for warmth—and this bit about not judging someone for doing that—reads to me as more of a general statement about the difficult choices people struggling with mental illness and other similar issues have to make to survive. I listened to it recently and I could picture Audrey singing it in the nightcar. I think it suits her well.

17. “Cry for Judas” by The Mountain Goats

But I am just a broken machine And I do things that I don't really mean Long, black night Morning frost I'm still here But all is lost

I think the imagery of this song suits the show a lot in general, but I can also particularly imagine it being Wilford in a rare moment of self-awareness about how much damage he’s caused to the world and the people around him.

18. “Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide” by David Bowie

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget Oh oh, oh, oh, you're a rock 'n' roll suicide

I love Wilford a lot. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him ever. I hope he kills more people, and I hope he gets his train back, and I hope he wins. But if he does eventually die in the show, I hope he’s found in the bathtub with there being some ambiguity about whether he really killed himself or whether one of his victims turned the tables on him, and I hope the climax of this song swells as the camera pans over his dead body. That’s the only Wilford death I will accept, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

19. “Source Decay” by The Mountain Goats

I park in an alley And I read through the postcards you continue to send Where as indirectly as you can, you ask what I remember I like these torture devices from my old best friend Well, I'll tell you what I know, like I swore I always would I don't think it's gonna do you any good I remember the train headed south out of Bangkok Down toward the water

Okay, I promise this is the last Mountain Goats song on the playlist. It’s just—it’s perfect. It has a train in it. And on the podcast “I Only Listen To The Mountain Goats,” John Darnielle commented that there’s barely anywhere you can go south of Bangkok before you hit the water, it’s a train going nowhere, it’s so good. It’s also one of the songs I’ve previously ripped a line off for my fanfiction titles!

20. “Sellers of Flowers” by Regina Spektor

The sellers of flowers Buy up old roses They pull off dead petals Like old heads of lettuce And sell ’em as new ones For cheaper and fairer But they die by the morning So who is the winner? Not the roses Not the buyers Not the sellers Maybe winter

And Regina Spektor closes out the playlist again! This song is another one I picked more on imagery and vibes than anything else. But since it’s about a young child in a world that seems to be moving inexorably toward an all-consuming winter, if it suits any of the characters, maybe it’s an appearance of Alex here at the end!

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy the playlist!

#snowpiercer #wilford #music #snowpiercer tv

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the-daily-multi-fandom-post · 4 years

Note

Loki x Reader where Y/n has to keep him from pissing off the Avengers and he has a crush on her so he's always nice (a little too nice) to her and she doesn't see it so Steve points it out to her. She starts teasing Loki, a touch lingering a little too long on his hip, shamelessly checking him out until he finally confesses? Please ♥️

Yes! I love writing for Loki when I get a request. (Which isn’t very often) so this is very exciting to write! Here it is! ❤️🖤 kinda changed it up. But I hope you like it.

Tags: @thanossexual (ask to be tagged in my post!!)

“What are you doing, Loki?” Y/n asked as she watched him in the living quarters of the avenger tower.

“Planing world domination, love. Care to join me?” He joked looking at her with a smirk.

She hummed and shrugged shoulder.

“Very tempting, but I think I’ll pass. I don’t think I want to be responsible for everyone on earth.” Y/n joked back as she sat comfortably beside Loki on the sofa.

“That’s a bummer, would’ve been fun having a queen like you.” Loki sighed looking at the view from the giant ceiling to floor window.

Y/n chuckled, grabbing her book from the coffee table and flipping to the spot she left off. Loki sighed as he laid down on the leather sofa. Putting his head in Y/ns lap. Enjoying the feeling of her putting her hands through his thick midnight hair.

Y/n read her book while caressing Lokis midnight hair.

“I don’t understand how she can’t see he likes her. I mean come on! Look at that!” Tony whispered yelled at Thor as he nodded his head towards Y/n and Loki.

“Just think about it, reindeer games, doesn’t like anyone here. Not even you, and he’s your brother. He just likes her.” Tony grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and took a big bulb out of it.

“I know my brother has done some terrible things, but he is still able to love... I think.” Thor explained as he went to take a sip of his water, but the water disappeared from the bottle.

“Was there a hole in the bottle?” Thor asked confused, examining the bottle for any holes. Thor and Tony could hear Loki’s snicker and Y/n lightly smacking on his shoulder. Whispering, “you shouldn’t have done that.” Loki shrugged as he smirked.

“Who cares, I don’t trust him.” Tony tolled his eyes moving out of the kitchen, annoyed with Loki’s pranks.

“Brother, if you wish to continue living here. You must stop pissing people off. Your lucky enough I got them to agree to let you stay here.” Thor said as he watched his brother rest his head on Y/ns lap while she read quietly.

Loki didn’t answer Thor which annoyed him.

“Lady Y/n, I know I ask a lot from you. But could you please keep my brother from doing his foolish pranks.” Y/n looked up from her book to the god of thunder.

“I guess, but not all of his pranks are foolish. Also, I suggest going to Tony’s lab or the gym there are hidden smoke bombs that go off as soon as the doors open.” Y/n said with a smirk. Loki bellowed our a laugh as he sat up.

“My dear brother, what have you done to this young woman?” Thor asked as he walked out of the room.

A couple days later:

It was late at night Y/n had just came back from a difficult mission. Her back was hurting and bruised. Her skin had cut marks and a good couple bruises were forming on her Y/s/t face and arms. But the other people looked worse then her. (They were dead or damn near close to it.)

Y/n soaked up the warm shower water and scrubbed the mess off her y/s/t body. The water tinting a slight crimson from the blood and debris coming off of her.

After she washed up and got dressed, she walked out of her room to the living room where she was stopped by a worried looking Loki. It was late, around 3 in the morning. Looking at Loki she seen the worried look on his face. As soon as Loki made eye contact with her he was on his feet. Quickly coming towards her. She was confused and tensed at first, but when she felt his arms wrap around her body she relaxed.

“You are going to worry me to death, darling.” He mumbled against her hair. Breathing in her sent, he held her close to him.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t have any contact to anyone on this mission.” Loki nodded as he pulled her away looking her over seeing the cuts and bruises on her. Which made him worry even more.

“Look, I may look gross and beat up, but you should see the other guy. I’m pretty sure he might have a few broken ribs, and his eye ball might have fallen out.” Y/n tried to make a light hearted joke to the frost giant, but he wasn’t having it.

“I care too much for you to get hurt.” He whispered, almost so quiet that she could barely hear him.

“I can’t bare to see you hurt. Seeing you like this now hurts me. I just want to find the evil bastard who did this to you and torcher then kill him.” Y/n shook her head as she took Loki’s cold hands in her warm ones.

She smiled looking into his blue eyes. “I’m okay, do you feel this?” She asked taking Loki’s hands and placing it over her beating heart.

“I’m still alive and well. I may be a bit bruised, but by tomorrow morning Ill look as fresh as a daisy. That’s what happens when you grow up in Hydra for 25 years of your life.” She joked lightly.

Loki nodded as he heard a door open and close. He looked at her and she nodded knowing he didn’t want the others to know he had a nice side to him.

“Who were you talking to?” Steve asked as he grabbed a bottle of water. The blonde soldier had a towel tightly wrapped around his waist. Y/n could see a few bruises on him as well, but his would be gone in the morning as well.

“Nobody, just myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.” She joked.

Steve laughed while shaking his head.

“I don’t understand why you don’t tell Loki how you feel.” He started.

“I mean the whole time we were on the mission all you could do was talk about how you like Loki.”

Y/n chuckled shaking her head as she looked over the captain. Seeing his bruises slightly healing.

“It’s crazy, you telling me that.” She chuckled looking at Steve with a knowing look.

“Yeah, well I should’ve told Peggy how I felt before everything happen. But you don’t have to be like me. You have to tell people how you feel about them before it’s too late.”

Y/n nodded at the mans words, thinking everything over before he started talking again.

“The two of you, I- we can all see how the two of you feel for each other. It’s just the matter of time for the one if you to grow the balls to tell the other how you feel.” Y/n nodded looking into his blue eyes.

“Just think about it. I’ll see you in the morning, have a good night.” Steve bid her goodbye as he left the room. Leaving her with the thoughts rattling in her head.

Y/n huffed as she laid in her bed. She could stop thinking. She was worn out from the hard mission, but her brain kept on running.

‘What if Loki likes me?’ ‘What if he shares the same feelings I have for him?’ ‘What if I told him how I feel and then he doesnt feel the same?’ The thoughts went on and on throughout the night.

Y/n was about to fall asleep when she heard a light knock on her door. She sat up in bed and mumbled out a come in. Looking confused as Loki came into the room.

“Loki, what’re you doing up?” She questioned as she scooted over on the bed for Loki to sit down.

“I came to tell you something I should’ve told you months ago.” He spoke in a serious voice, which kinda worried her.

She nodded, looking down at her hands Loki hand but his hands on top of. Slightly caressing the soft y/s/t skin.

“I’m in love with you. Everything about you, I’m in love with. The way you care for everyone. The way you care for me when everyone else tries to get rid of me. The way you join in on my pranks. The way you love everyone, the way you protect the people you love. Everything about you makes me fall deeper in love with you.”

He rambled out his confession of love. Y/n looked at the midnight haired man through tears. She was so happy he felt the same way for her. She couldn’t find the right words so she let instinct take over. She didn’t know who kissed who first but it happened and she couldn’t find it in her heart to pull away. She cared to much for this god in front of her. She felt as if she would stop kissing him she would wake up from a dream.

“Will you be my queen?” He asked looking into her y/e/c eyes.

“Yes! Of course!” She smiled, giving him another passionate kiss. And from their they were never separated.

#marvel #marvel avengers #loki x reader #request asked and answered #thor x reader #captain america x reader #steve rogers x reader #tony stark x reader #spider-man x reader

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eleanorfenyxwrites · 4 years

Text

((~2.4K of a much larger fic that I’ll keep posting snippets of!))

(Part 1)

———

“Father?”

“A-Yuan,” he replies as he cleans his brush and turns his head, the sharp, raw edges of his grief softening as he watches A-Yuan rub sleepily at his eyes in the soft candlelight warming the Jingshi. “What’s wrong?”

He sits still as A-Yuan crosses the room to clamber into his lap, sitting himself squarely in the hollow of his crossed legs facing him, and Wangji wraps his arms around him automatically, a concerned frown on his lips as A-Yuan collapses forward to nuzzle into his chest.

“A-Yuan?”

“I’m sad,” he replies softly and Wangji’s own grief is immediately shoved aside in favor of his son’s.

“Why? What happened?” he asks, his voice as neutral as it can be when he’s already burning inside with the desire to protect his and Wei Ying’s son from any and all harm.

“I don’t know,” A-Yuan replies and then he’s sniffling and Wangji realizes that he’s crying and he immediately curls around him, shielding him with his arms and shoulders, his unbound hair falling around them in a dark curtain. He ducks down to gently kiss A-Yuan’s bare forehead where his headband sits during the day and he strokes a hand slowly over his hair, brushing it back from his face as he lets the boy cry uninterrupted. His child will never have to mourn in lonely silence like he did, even if what he’s mourning may be trivial by an adult’s standards.

Wangji holds his crying son and lets a tear or two slip as well, his heart too fragile and raw today to stay stoic while his child hurts.

“What’s wrong A-Yuan?” he finally asks softly when the boy’s crying has subsided and he keeps stroking his hair back from his face for him even as he turns around to sit forward and face the table holding the guqin, his back and head resting on Wangji’s chest.

“I don’t know,” A-Yuan repeats, audibly pouting, and Wangji panics a bit. How can he fix it if A-Yuan can’t tell him what to fix? “I tried to sleep, but then I got sad and I wanted to cry.”

Wangji knows that the fever A-Yuan was fighting when he found him in the Burial Mounds has, perhaps in an act of divine mercy, kept him from remembering his life before he woke up properly in Cloud Recesses. But sometimes Wangji wonders if those memories are still there somewhere in his mind, and if sometimes he misses his first family, the village that raised a happy child in the midst of war and death.

“I am sad tonight as well,” Wangji confesses quietly, his barriers nonexistent around the person in his life who loves him unconditionally with the sweet trust of a child. “It is alright to be sad, even if you do not know why,” he adds as he reaches out to rest his hands on his guqin. A-Yuan immediately stretches his arms out to rest his little hands on top of Wangji’s and he relaxes just a little, thinking to himself that it’s nearly time to begin helping A-Yuan choose the instrument he’ll wish to learn for his musical cultivation.

“Close your eyes, A-Yuan. It’s time to rest,” he instructs gently and then he starts to play.

Memories of Wei Ying come flooding in as he plays the song he wrote for him. As he plays he can almost imagine the sound of a flute accompanying the strings and he sucks in a deep breath, his entire being - the very essence of himself - longing for Wei Ying.

A-Yuan dozes in his lap, his hands going limp where they still cover his own, and once he’s sure that the boy is unlikely to wake again Wangji closes his eyes and begins to channel the familiar flow of his energy. He stills the strings with his palms and then begins to pluck them delicately, listening hard.

‘Wei Ying?’ Wangji knows that it’s unlikely to work. He has to try anyway.

When there’s no answer, he pours more spiritual force into the question, sends it out further.

‘Wei Ying?’ He lifts his hands from the strings and stares at them, willing them to play Wei Ying’s response.

Nothing.

Wangji lingers for a while longer until his last glimmer of hope that Wei Ying will come to him tonight fades into nothing. A-Yuan is fast asleep in his arms so Wangji stands carefully and returns him to his bed, tucking the covers tightly around him to make sure he feels safe and warm. He extinguishes the candles in the main room with a wave of his hand and then he retires to his own bed, feeling numb. Tomorrow he will do it again, and nothing will change.

By unspoken agreement in the days following, A-Yuan begins to attend as well when Wangji practices his guqin in the evening.

It began the following night, and has continued every night since, with A-Yuan leaving the toy he was playing with to climb into his lap and rest his little hands on top of his again. Wangji can’t help but feel pleased that it seems the boy is going to want to choose to follow in his footsteps.

When he puts A-Yuan to bed after their practice has relaxed him, Wangji continues to return to the instrument and ask for Wei Ying. He knows that it’s fruitless, that there have been five years of nothing now and it’s unlikely that he remains. Even his body can’t be found, and Wangji knows that it’s entirely too possible that the resentful energies he held were too powerful to leave even a corpse or a shred of spiritual cognition once the spirits had him in their grasp.

He can’t stop searching.

Three weeks have passed since he sent his last search party out before one of the other pairs returns. He’s walking with A-Yuan around the training yard and observing the swordsmanship lesson when the husband/wife cultivation partnership he’d sent out towards Lanling approaches. He freezes in place and feels A-Yuan look up at him in confusion, but now is not the time or place to answer his questions. Wangji glances at the disciples practicing their sword forms, spots one he recognizes quickly, and he signals her to approach.

“Please take A-Yuan to play with his friends in the Children’s Hall, either myself or his uncle will retrieve him in a few hours,” he instructs.

“Hanguang Jun,” she replies with a bow and then she holds a hand out to A-Yuan and Wangji gives him a nod to reassure him as he glances back at him over his shoulder on his way around the courtyard with his new escort.

“Hanguang Jun,” the pair greets as he turns his attention to them and he returns their bow with his heart in his throat. Thankfully these are cultivators who know him reasonably well (as well as anyone outside his very small family circle can) so they know he has no interest in pleasantries.

“We flew the perimeter of Lanling, as instructed,” the husband of the pair begins. “We sensed nothing unusual and began landing in towns and cities to ask about strange occurrences, night hunting where necessary but always deferring to our fellows in the Jin Sect where possible.” Wangji is growing impatient so he’s relieved when the woman rests her hand on her husband’s arm to stop his full report.

“We see no sign of him, Hanguang Jun. Not even a whisper of the Yiling Patriarch except for idle gossip that flows like water from the mountain. We apologize for our shortcomings.” Wangji watches as the pair sketch another bow, discomfited by their nervousness to approach someone they saw as such an imposing figure with bad news.

“Do not apologize,” he replies simply around the tightness in his throat. “Rest today and return to your regular duties in the morning.” He begins to bow and then quietly murmurs, “Thank you.”

He watches them as they leave, walking almost close enough to touch and in perfect synchronicity with each other, and he aches.

For the next few weeks things go much the same way. One by one the search parties return, and one by one his hopes for news are dashed. By the time the last pair he’d sent out have returned from Yiling itself with empty hands, he’s too exhausted to continue asking others to search for Wei Ying. The waiting, the hope, and the inevitable disappointment have become too much to stomach. He wants to go himself, continue the search when he can be in control of it.

But he’s got A-Yuan to think of, and bringing him along is out of the question. The places he wants to search are dangerous and certainly no place for children, especially since Wangji wants to go by himself. He hasn’t hunted with another partner since Wei Ying and quite frankly he doesn’t ever want to, and he can’t singlehandedly fight and protect his son at the same time. But the idea of leaving A-Yuan behind now that they’ve become so bonded and such an important part of each other’s lives makes him feel physically ill.

The only thing that makes him feel worse is not looking for Wei Ying.

After his period of isolation but before he had officially taken over raising A-Yuan, Wangji had gone searching for him. He’d heard the news from Xichen that Sect Leader Jiang had been unable to find any trace of Wei Ying’s whereabouts, but he’d refused to let that discourage him. As soon as he was able, he’d gone to Nightless City to begin the search for him, only returning to Cloud Recesses when he had exhausted the potential of every possible ravine, every crevice, every dungeon, every rock. It was only the thought of A-Yuan and Wei Ying’s overwhelming love for the boy that had convinced him to return home to his duties. It’s been two years since the end of that search and the parts of him that ache for Wei Ying are yearning to return to it.

Playing the spirit communion pieces on his guqin helps curb his desire to go flying off without a word to keep looking.

‘Wei Ying?’ he asks for what feels like the thousandth time. As long as he receives no answer, he’ll never tire of sending those notes into the air. He takes comfort in them, really. In the music that communicates his soulmate’s name.

Wei Ying?

“Wangji.” The voice at the door startles him, his surprise evident only in the way his fingers twitch on the strings.

"Uncle," he greets stiffly in return. He makes no move to stand and he knows it's disrespectful but he can't quite bring himself to care. It's late and he'd expected to be alone. He wants to be alone.

"Enough of this, Wangji," Lan Qiren says with no other preamble and Wangji doesn't even deign to look up at him. He'd always hated Wei Ying, and the longer Wangji’s mourning goes on the less inclined he is to forgive the people who feel such negative things for the other. "Do you think people don't notice that you search for Wei Wuxian endlessly? Do you think they don't wonder at the reason?"

"Gossip is forbidden in Cloud Recesses," he recites dutifully, voice edging a little sharper. A warning, if Lan Qiren is willing to hear it.

"That doesn't mean they don't notice, Wangji," he retorts and only then does Wangji raise his eyes to meet the older man's. His face is as impassive as his Uncle's is twisted in anger.

Wangji meets his Uncle's glare levelly and, without breaking eye contact, gently plucks the strings again.

Wei Ying?

"WANGJI!"

"Shouting is prohibited in Cloud Recesses," Wangji replies and then adds, as an afterthought, "And in my home. A-Yuan is sleeping."

"You have duties here, Wangji," Lan Qiren replies tightly, though he's at least lowered his voice so Wangji can stop worrying that he's going to wake the boy sleeping just one room away. "You're distracted."

"Does my work displease? Xichen says nothing."

Lan Qiren is silent and Wangji stands slowly, tucking one hand behind his back and facing his uncle straight on. He used to fear him, the impact he had, the influence. He used to be so, so afraid.

His fear of the judgement of others died with Wei Ying.

"Uncle. I will continue to do my duty to my family and sect. Wei Ying is my familial duty as well. I will continue to search," he says quietly and he's fascinated to watch some unnameable emotion pass over Lan Qiren's features.

"It will only hurt."

"Even so," he murmurs, practically soundless, as he nods and keeps his eyes trained low. "I have a duty to him."

"Why?"

Wangji doesn't even dignify that question with a response. It had been asked of him before in various ways, and he is tired of answering when it seemes like it should be so obvious. Why would he stand with him? Side with him? Fight with him? Heal him? Care for him? Do his best to find him not once but twice now? Why? Why? Why?

He can't believe people are still asking him. He hates himself a little for not making his thoughts and intentions clearer, because clearly he didn't if everyone still feels the need to question his motives like this.

"Wangji. Eventually you'll have to stop."

"When I find him, I will stop."

His words are met with nothing but a long-suffering sigh and Wangji knows already that he's won this particular argument. The feeling is..almost novel, to win an argument against Lan Qiren.

"Nothing will dissuade you?"

"Nothing."

"Go, then."

Trust uncle to still find a way to surprise him and make him feel like he's on his back foot.

"Go?"

"Search for him. Xichen and I will watch Lan Yuan for you. Go find him."

Wangji freezes and thinks about the implications of his uncle offering this to him. No time limits, no rules, just an offer to care for their son so that Wangji can go find Wei Ying and bring him home. He's struck momentarily speechless and he's grateful that Lan Qiren lets him have this silence, letting him think it over in his usual ponderous way.

"I will leave in the morning after I deliver A-Yuan to the Children's Hall," he decides. It's fast, but he's been anxious to leave and search for weeks now. He feels guilt surge through his chest at the thought of leaving his son, but he knows that he, at least, will be safe and loved in Cloud Recesses, and it's Wangji who will be aching more for his own bed and his family.

"See to it. Goodnight Wangji."

"Goodnight Uncle."

#the untamed fanfic #Lan Wangji #Lan Sizhui #Lan Qiren #Wangxian #cql fanfic #a bit of grieving dad!wangji for your soft angsty needs

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f33itan · 4 years

Text

💛⚜️Pᴀʀᴛ 1: Tᴏʀᴛᴜʀᴇ ɪs Gᴏʟᴅᴇɴ⚜️💛 (From my Wattpad)

A/N: Ok, this was something a mutual of mine said here on Tumblr, and I decided to write a oneshot about it. Might be very VERY slight angst, nothing bad enough to actually be put under that umbrella though, anyways, enjoy this, and ty for the reads! :)

CW: MENTIONS OF RAPE, DEGRADATION, AND MORE FOUL WORDS THAN USUAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

B/N: Your Mother's boyfriend's name

M/N: Mother's name

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

"Oi, Y/N! Go get me another pack of beer from the store!"

"Yes father!" Damn that pig looking bitch. I'm just some fucking girl, trying to protect her mom from this demon of a person! Heck, he's not EVEN a person! He's the devil himself!! Man, I wish dad was here...

When you were in about 7th grade, your real father got killed in a massacre a couple cities over. He was not only a police officer, but a great father and husband as well. He treated you and your mother amazingly, and you thought life couldn't get anymore perfect, but soon that all went down hill. After his death, your mother's health depleted and she felt empty inside. She needed somebody else to make her complete. She decided to call an old friend from high school, and next thing you know he moved in. He seemed like a nice guy at first, but soon enough he was beating you guys mercilessly, enough to leave large bruises and scars whenever you didn't do exactly what he asked, in your eyes though, it was more of an order. You hated being ordered around, but you hated your mother getting beaten around even more. It seemed like a blessing that he hasn't tried to rape her, but god knows what he'll do, he's unpredictable

With all of this happening, you decided to tell him you were doing some "extra curricular" classes in college, but what you were actually doing was taking the Hunter's Exam and learning nen. Your biological father was kind-hearted and fun to be around, but he was also strict and sometimes a bit harsh, though he always meant well. Before his passing, all three of you would go out on the weekends to train, exercise, or do something that would enhance your body power and brain power. Because of this, all of you were exceptionally smart, and bodies all well toned. Sometimes your excursions would be going to a park and practicing a sport, driving to the snow and sledding, skiing, snowboarding, and every once in a while going to another state to zip line, try animal encounters, or take a family friendly class in that state's heritage and customs.

Since you were accustomed to hard core training and events, you thought the Hunter's Exam was quite fun, and was a test to your skills. After that, you were scouted out by a strong nen user by the name of Biscuit Krueger. You and her had lots of fun training, and with her pushing your limits to the utmost best, you turned out to be a specialist.

(Whenever I imagine myself in Hunter x Hunter, this is always my nen type and stuff LMAO)

Your power was called, Black shadow. You could have up to 10 weapons on hand, completely subjected to doing your bidding. These weapons were linked to you through blood, and they were surrounded with a substance that appeared to be black mist. The weapons you most preferred to practice with and use were your katana, blood string, and scythe. You could also make a weapon yours by cutting a fingertip and letting the blood drip onto the weapon, altering the appearance then gaining that black "mist", showing that it was now yours. The downside to this technique was that those "shadows and mist remnants" were your sleep. The darkness in your mind and the shadows all around you were taken and used for that power. In turn, you were always tired, yawning, and had bags under your eyes. Another plus side though was that you had a nen created chamber that had every weapon you owned. A girl can have some fun toys, can't she? You had tools for torture (whenever you took an opportunity to try it), many varieties of weapons, and of course, more snacks. But unlike B/N, you didn't have just fatty snacks. You had regeneration potions, healthy snacks, and special nen created "snacks" to help with different things, which all of these you had collected through pulling some strings. Your mother was worried, but you said it was all just college things. Yeah, just college things..

Ill make that pig bitch pay for what he has done to my mother!

Feitan POV -or whats going on with him- :

"What time, is it.."

"8 AM Fei!"

"Shut up, green eyes, too loud."

"Oh Fei don't be rude! It's mean!"

"That's, the point."

"Oh wait, Shalnark, what this?"

"What do you mean?"

"This... gold string?"

"OI SHALNARK, FEITAN, COME ERE' REAL QUICK!"

"Phinks, what, do you, want-" Phinks just ignored his question and pointed to the TV.

This is Channel 12, reporting live from York New City Town Square. People all over the city are claiming to be seeing a string tied to their left ring finger, leading them to some unknown destination! What is this string? Who put it there?-

"AY AY IM ON TV! THE STRING THINGY JUST LEAD ME TO THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND NOW WERE DATING! SUPER AWESOME!"-

I apologize for the interference, but this string appears t be leading people to.. partners? Soulmates? Find out tomorrow morning, this is Amy Starwick from Channel 12, signing out.

"What. The. FUCK."

"OH MY GOD OH MY GOODNESS HOLY SHIT FEITAN YOU HAVE A SOULMATE!!"

"Nope-"

"YESS YOU DOOOOOOO"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CHEERY BITCH-"

"No❤️" Since Feitan was on his last nerve with Shalnark, he decided to stomp over towards Chrollo in the main room, but Chrollo just chuckled.

"Wanna go find your soulmate? See if that things real?" Feitan just stared at the ground, lightly shifting his feet.

"Go ahead, I don't mind."

"Just, doing it, out of, curiosity."

"Mhm, curiosity, go find them." And with that, he was dismissed. Feitan wanted to say it was curiosity, but deep down he had this feeling there was something else, but what was it? It made his stomach tingle and he didn't like it one bit. He tried to ignore all of this, and just shrugged it off...

꧁꧂꧁꧂TimeSkip to Next Day꧁꧂꧁꧂

Your POV + some Feitan POV:

"Alright, today's the day, he'll be at his work, and on his break, i'll set the plan in motion.." Both me and mom don't like him, and I don't know about her, but I sure hate him, every ounce of him. The plan is simple: 1. Capture mom's boyfriend, 2. Take him to an abandoned building, 3. Torture him and get all of the answers I need, and 4. Kill him. His break is at 12, and he usually goes to get takeout every other Friday, what a pig. I'll give him a taste of his own medicine.

Time: 11:30 AM

Ok, I have everything ready. Fully energized to the utmost extent, Elixirs to bring him back in case he passes out too early, and- what? He's leaving for lunch early? PERFECT! You ran behind some buildings and hid in a two-way alleyway, waiting for him to pass by...

Here we go..

One..

Two..

THREE!

You covered his head with a sack, and took his phone out of his back pocket. Before heading over to your post, you laced the inside of the sack with some sleeping powder and pressed it against his nose and mouth. Within moments he passed out, and you typed in what you hoped to be his password, which was correct. Around 12:30, you were going to text one of his coworkers that he would be "going to a restaurant across town, and ditching work for a day, not wanting to see his stupid good for nothing girlfriend or his dumb daughter." You knew he called you both this because of going through his text messages when he wasn't looking or when he was sleeping. Little did you know that somebody was watching you from afar.

"Hmm... So, she, my, what do people, call it.. soulmate? Seems, interesting..."

Time: 12:00 PM

"Jesus, I new he was a fat ass but I didn't know he weighed this much!" You were tugging him from his legs through the back ways of York New. You wanted to find a secluded area, where once you were done with him you could just toss him somewhere for the birds and maggots to eat. After walking for what seemed like hours, you came across a set of abandoned buildings, specifically the one you laid out some extra things. A couple extra weapons, some towels, a change of clothes, a chair and some rope, a couple of flashlights, and of course, some snacks. Lucky for you, the douchebag you've been dragging around like a rag doll was still out cold, so you picked him up and tossed him on the chair, tying his wrists, ankles and neck to the chair.

"Maaannn, this is boring!! When the hell are you gonna wake up?!" As if on queue, you saw his eyes start to flutter open, and you immediately grabbed your box cutter. It wasn't a weapon used by your nen, but it was quite effective.

"What.. who.. wait- Y/N!? WHAT THE FUCK?! UNTIE ME NOW BEFORE I BEAT YOUR ASS!!" you didn't notice it, but Feitan was watching from the building over.

What, the fuck? Why she kidnap him? That pig? Why? Confusing, gotta keep, watching.

You shoved the box cutter into his left cheek, and you bathed in the glory of hearing his screams of pain.

"How does this feel, you bitch? Everything you've done to my dear mother, everything you've done to me, and heck, YOU WERE PROBABLY BEHIND MY DAD'S MURDER DURING THAT FUCKING MASSACRE!!" B/N noticed the tears in your eyes, and took this to his advantage.

"So what if I was? Both of your parents were pathetic anyways."

"NO THEY AREN'T! YOU'RE THE REASON WHY MY MOTHER'S LIKE THIS NOW! YOUR THE FUCKING REASON FOR EVERYTHING SHITTY THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME!!"

"Heh, hehe.. hahaHAHAHA! YOU KNOW GOD DAMNED WELL THAT ALL OF YOU ARE PATHETIC! WANNA KNOW WHY I GOT WITH YOUR MOM!? BECAUSE SHES HOT. AND SHE HAD GOOD MONEY FROM YOUR FUCKING DAD. YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO?! YOU KNOW WHY I TOOK OFF EARLY TODAY?! I WAS GONNA RAPE YOUR MOTHER AND MAKE YOU WATCH, THEN KILL BOTH OF YOU AND RUN OFF WITH ALL OF YOUR MONEY!! AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S IRONIC?! I DON'T HAVE ONE. SINGLE. FUCKING. REGRET. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR DAD, YOU SOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE NERVE TO DO THIS, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED!!"

You couldn't handle this anymore, tears were falling down your face rapidly as you grabbed the duct tape and closed his mouth shut.

"I don't give a fuck about what you say.. I'm going to kill you here. This is your grave. Someday, I'll join you in hell, and when I do, I'll torture you again, and the Devil will laugh. You just watch and ducking wait you, you.. PATHETIC WORTHLESS PIG ASS SLOPPY ASS NASTU FUCKING BITCH!" With that, you grabbed a couple super worms in each hand and shoved them into his ears. Even with the duct tape, you could hear his screams of agony as the worms dug deeper into his ears. You then got our your katana and slashed him across the stomach, and shoved even more worms into that open wound of his. Quickly, you poured a large bottle of the elixir you had brought over him to keep him from dying so quickly. Box cutter still in hand, you carved small lines all over his arms and legs, then ripped off the tape to hear his desperate cries. You imagined he wanted to be dead, but you didn't care. His pain and you pain mixed together and you just started laughing. You through your head back and let yourself laugh. all of the pain this man has caused you and your mom will be repayed today.

But the pressure and stress was too much to handle. Your laughing of victory soon turned into screams and more tears, as you let yourself fall to the ground, not even noticing you didn't hit it hard, something had caught you, or someone..

What the shit am I doing?

Am I really going to kill him?

What's wrong with me?

What will mother think?

What would dad do?

What am I doing with my life?

You soon snapped out of all of those negative thoughts though, as you noticed something caressing your face lightly.

"Rest, now. He, won't die, so quickly. I'm, Feitan." You were a sniffling and crying mess, so all you could do was rush into Feitan's chest and cry. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around you and held you close. He had no idea what he was doing, for he had only seen this kind of skin on skin contact in movies. So, he did what those people in the movies did.

"Don't, worry... It's all, going to be.. okay."

Word Count (Including author notes, etc) : 2251

-Wrote February 3, 2021-

Unedited sorry about that lol-

Part 1...

#hxh #hxh oneshot #hunterxhunter #feitan #feitanportor #pov #feitanxreader

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acciocrzychickfics · 4 years

Text

Happy

Author’s Note: I wrote this a while ago actually and I have been struggling if I should make this public or not. I guess its now or never. The setting is post-war. I don’t know why but I have this feeling that the Order was never really disbanded, it was kind of like a watchdog type organization after the war.

Adjusting his eyes to the dark was never a hard thing for Remus to get the hang of. However, adjusting his ears to the crying of his son took him awhile. He was always the first to wake up to little Teddy’s cries. He chalked this up to his keen sense of hearing. Rolling over in bed, he saw Dora sleeping soundly. She had been through the wringer at work these past few weeks. She needed her sleep and he knew it. He kissed her forehead and went to the small room he had magicked when she was pregnant to let her know that while he was still unsure about if his lycanthropy would be hereditary or not, they would get through this together.

“Are you hungry, little cub?” he asks, picking up the small blue-haired baby who was now smiling up at him as he walks into the kitchen.

At first, he had struggled with these midnight feedings especially if Dora had to do a night shift for the Order or had to an all-nighter at the Ministry. Not understanding how such a small child could eat so much. He finally broke down and apparated to Andy’s in the middle of the night with a wailing Teddy. He had done everything to try and get him to calm down but once he put Teddy in his grandmother’s arms he quieted now.

“You know, you are going to be a charmer when you get into school. Don’t tell your Mum but I charmed a girl or two in my time.” Remus exclaims trying to calm his two-month-old son down while using a warming spell to heat the bottle, chuckling then adding “She wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.”

Teddy gurgles as the bottle is placed on his lips and latches on unsure how he likes this “I know it’s not the same as when Mum does it.”

Sitting down in the rocking chair in the living room, Remus begins to read to his son that his mother would read to him as a small child. “Where we were, little cub? Ah yes, Chapter 3. They did not sing or tell stories that day, even though the weather improved. They began to feel the danger was far away on d either side.”

Until four or five pages later did he notice, that Teddy had fallen back to sleep and the bottle had been drained.

“I never expected to fall in love. I never expected to marry, let alone your mother. I never expected to have children. Never in my life did I ever expect to have an amazing son like you. Teddy Lupin, I. Love. You. One day, I will have to be honest with you about why I left. I regret that immensely and am unsure I ever will forgive myself for that. However, know I missed your mother and you the entire time I was gone. I thought that you both were better off without me in case you did inherit my furry little problem. Just know, no matter what I love you with all my heart and will do my best to provide for you no matter what. I can not guarantee your life will be easy with having a werewolf as a father.”

“I have a feeling Teddy will be very defensive if anyone talks bad about his father” he hears from behind him. Standing up, he sees Dora standing in the doorway of the lounge smiling. “I will also keep anyone in line who talks ill about my mate.”

“You should be in bed” Remus answers concern lacing his face as he holds Teddy in his arms letting the bottle fall from Teddy’s lips.

“You should have woken me up, I would have fed him,” Tonks exclaims in frustration, now holding her breasts. “My boobs hurt.”

“I am sorry” Remus answers quietly going slightly scarlet “I should have realized.”

“ It is only natural and it is nutrients for our son. No need to be embarrassed, Rem” Tonks answers back motioning to her breasts “There is a spell I can use to get the milk out of these. Mind if I hold him?”

Remus transfers Teddy to her arms as he squirms in her arms “It is alright, little cub. Mummy is here.” It was as if hearing her voice calmed him down as he snuggled into her arms.

Kissing Tonk’s head, then Teddy’s whispering “I love you both”, he pulls out his wand to whisper “scourgify” to clean up the mess he made in their kitchen.

“I would have just left it in the morning.” Tonks yawns walking back into their bedroom to put Teddy down in his crib as he changes his hair color to bubblegum pink “Have you noticed he changes his hair color depending on who is holding him?”

Lupin smirks, not realizing that he did indeed change his color to brown when his father was holding him. “Now that you say that when Any was over, he changed his hair color to dark brown.”

“I think that is his way of letting us know that he knows the difference between us,” Tonks replies yawning again.

“Dora, you need to go back to bed.” Lupin reiterates “You are going to be exhausted come tomorrow.”

She sighs trying to come up with an excuse trying to hold her son as much as she can “I just want to hold him. I just want to hold him in my arms and not let him go. I feel like a bad mother because I am working all the time.”

“Dora, come here.” Remus motions towards the bed, picking up his son and placing him in his bassinet next to the bed, “Teddy will be fine for a couple minutes in his crib.”

Glancing at Teddy once and then looking back to his wife, “Darling, you are in no way a bad mother because you work. You are creating a better world for our son. A better future for him to grow up in. A better world for both of us to raise our son in.”

“I just am afraid I will miss him growing up.” Tonks begins to say before Remus puts a finger to her lips.

“He is only two months old, Dora.” Remus responds “Maybe you can talk to Kingsley about creating a hybrid work schedule so that you can be home but also in a time of need, you can be in the office? I am sure both of you will be able to come up with something that will be applicable.”

Tonks bit her lip “I guess, I think I’ll sleep on it”

“I also think you need to sleep. Your hair is turning its natural color again” Remus reiterates calmly putting a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

Tonks walks out of the fireplace as her mother is feeding Teddy and Remus is cooking lunch.

“Nymphadora, why are you here? It is only one” Andromeda asks as she puts Teddy down in his swing.

“I am home for the rest of the day” Tonks answers smiling the biggest smile she has had in weeks.

“Did you talk to Kingsley?” Lupin asks grabbing some bowls from the cabinet. Walking up to him, she gives him a peck on the cheek.

“I did,” Tonks replies pulling herself up on the kitchen counter swinging her legs. “We agreed that I would be on something called hybrid maternity leave. Since my full maternity leave was up about a month ago, I will be going to work every other day. On the days I am not on the job, he will or another Auror will be updating me.”

Remus hands her a bowl of soup smiling, “That is wonderful, Dora.”

“I have other news about you, my dear” addressing Remus looking back at him. “I heard a rumor, that you will be asked to take back your post at Hogwarts.”

“What? Me?” Remus questions trying not to make his disbelief show on his face.

“Yep, Kingsley was talking to Harry and Minerva when I walked into his office. I can not help that I have learned some skills from a certain werewolf” Tonks answers him as he hugs her forgetting about the soup in her hands.

“I am guessing they do not believe that I know,” Remus asks realizing that she had the soup in her hands

“Oh, I have a feeling that they will notify sooner rather than later” Tonks smiles glancing out the window as an owl flies towards them.

#remadora #acciocrazychickfics #remus lupin #nymphadora tonks #dora lupin #teddy lupin #andromeda tonks #post war fic #hp fanfiction #remadora fanfiction

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sage-nebula · 4 years

Text

((do NOT reblog))

Lately I’ve been thinking that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I’ve been tired—like, extremely so—for . . . maybe a year now? If not longer. It feels like it settled in shortly after I started my new job back in March of 2019, so in that case it’d be more like a year and nine months, but it’s hard to say for sure. I thought for a long time that it was because of my new job, because I have to wake up early in the morning for it and my delayed sleep phase disorder means that I’m running on a lower than average hours of sleep each night during the week. But lately I think it’s more than that.

See, the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. Even if I get the suggested nine hours a night, I’m still dozing off a little after waking up, like a couple hours later. Even if I get twelve, thirteen, or fourteen hours of sleep in a night, sure enough I’ll be dozing off again a few hours after waking up. I have no energy to do anything on the weekends. Even if I get the aforementioned thirteen hours of sleep Friday going into Saturday, on Saturday I still feel so drained that doing a load of laundry leaves me feeling completely wiped out. This causes mess to pile up in my house, because I just don’t have the energy to get it done, because I only start to feel normal by Sunday night (and even then it’s like barely normal) but then the work week starts again. I had a four day weekend this weekend thanks to the Christmas holiday, and I spent both Thursday and Friday with no energy to do anything at all. Even when I didn’t feel sleepy, I felt so drained of energy that just laying there felt like the most that I could do. Today I’ve felt a bit better, but still recuperating. Tomorrow, my last day off, is the only day I think I’ll have the energy to actually do stuff and get my house in order. But then the work week starts again, and so does the cycle anew.

And the thing is, this isn’t normal. I didn’t used to be like this. Even when I was only getting like five hours of sleep a night, I’d just need a day or so of rest and then I’d be back at 100%. But now it’s like I’m slow charging, and it’s never enough because I don’t have time for it to be enough. One or two days of sustained activity is enough so that my body wants to shut down for like a week. And it’s not sustainable! It’s very hard to live like this! I can’t keep my house clean or do basically anything else because I feel so drained. This is also why I haven’t written anything of substance in so long; even though writing isn’t a physical activity (aside from the physical activity of typing), it still takes energy, and that’s energy that I just haven’t had. My battery is constantly in the red, yellow at best, and I don’t know what to do about it.

About four or five months ago, when I told my doctor about this, he gave me Antidepressant #2 in an effort to help it. That seemed to work for like, a day or two . . . then I went right back to falling asleep at my desk at work no matter how much I slept the night before. I recently asked him to up the dosage to see if that would help, and he agreed*, but then I discovered that upping the dosage gives me tinnitus, and people on the internet say that after they kept using it despite the tinnitus it got to the point where the tinnitus never went away even after they stopped the medication, so. I’ve decided to stop taking that one and I’m going to try to wean myself off it. I’ll talk to him about that on Monday.

(*He said that he didn’t think that it would help and suggested that I exercise to get more energy instead. Of course, the fatal flaw of that plan is that I don’t have the energy needed to exercise in the first place. Plus, my legs are such shit that even things like jump rope cause my right ankle and left shin to be fucked up for days afterward. He suggested I try yoga, since that’s a low impact exercise, and I’ve got myself a mat to give it a shot, but I don’t have much optimism about it making much of a difference.)

I looked up Chronic Fatigue Syndrome online and it honestly does sound like it fits. I’m constantly exhausted, I have daily headaches (which could be down to my genetics since I do have genetic migraines but still), I often have muscle pain in various parts of my body, etc. But at the same time I’m not sure if it’s actually that or if I’m just overreacting. Like I don’t know what the threshold is, or if I’m like, I don’t know . . . what if I’m just lazy? I don’t think I am, because there are things I genuinely wish I could do that I just don’t have the energy to do. I wish I could take my dog on hikes and long walks. Pre-pandemic, I wanted to do things like go to the art museum or the science center or the zoo. I’d like to do rock climbing, provided my legs could handle that, and so on. But even before the pandemic, I never had the energy on the weekends to actually go out and do those things. I’d want to! But then I’d feel so dead that I couldn’t even get out of bed before late afternoon / evening, much less actually go out to do things. Don’t get me wrong, I do take my dog on short walks at least once a day, usually multiple times a day, because I’d never neglect her needs like that. But it’s not the same as being able to take her out to a trail and explore new areas that would surely be more interesting to her nose than just our neighborhood.

So I don’t think I’m lazy, because I want to do these things, and even smaller things, like I wish that my house could be clean and that I could make all these interior decorating renovations to it, but I just don’t have the energy. But I still don’t know if it’s actually bad enough to be considered Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still don’t know if I’m overreacting. What if this is a level of exhaustion that everyone has, but unlike me they can push through it? What if this is just part of Being Thirty and I’m just too weak to handle it? It’s like how I didn’t know if the pain I felt during my period was normal or not, and I still don’t actually. My gyno gave me the birth control implant to drive my periods down just because I asked for it, she didn’t actually diagnose me with any illness like endometriosis or anything like that. Sure, it felt like machetes were being shoved up into me every month to the point where I’d become incapacitated and sometimes even cry out in pain and sometimes even throw up due to how bad it was, but it could be that way for everyone, right? Maybe that’s just how it feels to have the lining of your uterus shred itself because it’s mad you didn’t get pregnant that month. How am I supposed to know?

There’s no real point to this post. It’s more that I just wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere. I don’t even know where to go from here, really. I don’t think my doctor takes me seriously enough to look into a diagnosis like this, but also I’ve never had luck finding a doctor that does take me seriously and I don’t really know where to start looking. To be fair, I do have an anxiety disorder and so I grant that my mind does find jumping to the Worst Case Scenario to be an easy one, but also the last doctor I had literally would not listen to me describe my breathing problems to her without dismissing me entirely, so. It’s been rough. Of course, even if I did get a diagnosis, it’s not like there’s a treatment, and definitely not a cure. So even if I do have CFS, what can be done about it? It’s not like knowing will solve the issues that it causes in my life.

I don’t know. There’s no point to this. It just really sucks to be fucking physically exhausted all of the goddamn time, especially since sleep does little to help it and I hate sleeping anyway since I have nightmares at least 75% of the time, if not 85%. (It honestly feels more like 85%. Maybe even 90%. It’s very rare that I wake up having not had at least one or two bad dreams that night.) I just want to have energy. I don’t know what that’s so much to ask of my body.

But anyway, DO NOT reblog this, or I’ll just delete it so the cut leads nowhere anyway and also block you, thank you,

#just medical ramblings under the cut #//--do not reblog--//

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