#ill stop watering dead plants

[voidcat44]

watching my dream die and growing up just a little bit more.

[writers-potion]

The Pirate's Glossary

Ahoy - an interjection used to hail a ship or a person, or to attract attention.

Arr! - an exclamation

Avast! - a command meaning stop or desist

Aye (or ay) - yes; an affirmation

Becalmed - the state of a sailing vessel which cannot move due to a lack of wind

Belay - (1) to secure or make dast by winding on a cleat or pin (2) to stop, most often used as a command

Bilged on her anchor - a ship holed or pierced by its own anchor

Bilmey! - an exclamation of surprise, short for "God blind me!"

Blow the man down - to kill someone

Boom about - when a ship turns in the wind the boom can swing violently enough to injure or kill a person on board. "Boom about" may be shouted to warn others the boom is about to move.

Bring a spring upon her cable - to come around in a different direction, oftentimes as a surprise maneuver.

Careen - to take a ship into shallower waters or out of the water altogether and remove barnacles and pests such as mollusks, shells and plant growth from the bottom.

Chase - a ship being pursued, or the act of pursuing a ship.

Code of conduct - a set of rules which govern pirates behavior on a vessel.

Come about - to bring the ship full way around in the wind. Used in general while sailing into the wind, but also used to indicate a swing back into the enemy in combat.

Crack Jenny's teacup - to spend the night in a house of ill repute.

Crimp - to procure (sailors or soldiers) by trickery or coercion, or one who crimps.

Dance the Hempen jig - to hang

Davy Jones' locker - a fictional place at the bottom of the ocean. In short, a term meaning death.

Dead men tell no tales - standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.

Deadlights - (1) strong shutters or plates fastened over a ship's porthole or cabin window in stormy weather. (2) Thick windows set in a ship's side or deck. (3) eyes.

Fire in the hole - a warning issued before a cannon is fired.

Furl - to roll up and secure, especially a ship’s sail.

Give no quarter - the refusal to spare lives of an opponent. Pirates raise a red flag to threaten no quarter will be given.

Handsomely - quickly or carefully; in a shipshape style.

Haul wind - to direct a ship into the wind.

Heave down - to turn a vessel on its side for cleaning.

Heave - an interjection meaning to come to a halt.

Ho - used to express surprise or joy, to attract attention to something sighted, or to urge onward.

Letter of marque - a document given to a sailor (privateer) giving him amnesty from piracy laws as long as the ships plunders are of an enemy nation.

List - to lean to one side

Long clothes - a style of clothing best suited to land. A pirate, or any sailor, doesn't have the luxury of wearing anything loose that might get in the way while climbing up riggings.

Marooned - to be stranded, particularly on a desert isle.

Me - My

No prey, no pay - a common pirate law meaning a crew received no wages, but rather shared whatever loot was taken.

Overhaul - (1) to slacken a line (2) to gain upon in a chase; to overtake

Parely - a conference or discussion between opposing sides during a dispute, especially when attempting a truce, originating from the French, "parler," meaning "to speak." The term was used in "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl" as part of Pirate law.

Piracy - robbery committed at sea.

Quarter - derived from the idea of "shelter", quarter is given when mercy is offered by pirates. Quarter is often the prize given to an honorable loser in a pirate fight.

Reef sails - to shorten the sails by partially tying them up, either to slow the ship or to keep a strong wind from putting too much strain on the masts.

Run a shot across the bow - a command to fire a warning shot.

Sail ho! - an exclamation meaning another ship is in view. The sail, of course, is the first part of a ship visible over the horizon.

Scupper that! - an expression of anger or derision meaning "Throw that overboard!"

Sea legs - The ability to adjust one's balance to the motion of a ship, especially in rough seas. After walking on a ship for long periods of time, sailors became accustomed to the rocking of the ship in the water. Early in a voyage a sailor was said to be lacking his "sea legs" when the ship motion was still foreign to him. After a cruise, a sailor would often have trouble regaining his "land legs" and would swagger on land.

Shiver me timbers! - An expression of surprise or strong emotion. In stormy weather and rough seas, the support timbers of a ship would "shiver" which might startle the crew. The phrase may have been less common during the Golden Age of Piracy than it had become later in fictional works.

Show a leg! - A phrase used to wake up a sleeping pirate.

Sink me! - An expression of surprise. Many pirate exclamations used exaggerated imagery to highten a point. Ye might say the sailors were punchy or a bit melodramatic after a lengthy stay at sea.  

Smartly - quickly

Take a caulk - To take a nap. On the deck of a ship, between planks, was a thick caulk of black tar and rope to keep water from between decks. This term came about either because sailors who slept on deck ended up with black lines across their backs or simply because sailors laying down on deck were as horizontal as the caulk of the deck itself.

To go on account - A pleasant term used by pirates to describe the act of turning pirate. The basic idea was that a pirate was more "free lance" and thus was, more or less, going into business for himself.

Warp - To move (a vessel) by hauling on a line that is fastened to or around a piling, anchor, or pier.

Weigh anchor - To haul the anchor up; more generally, to leave port.

Ye - you

If you like my blog, buy me a coffee☕ and find me on instagram! 📸

Reference:

https://www.pirateglossary.com/

[basketonthedoorstepofthefbi]

“flu season” - hotch stops by to check on you while you’re home sick (hotch x bau!gn!reader), 1.7k words

cw; mentions of canonical violence, icky sickies, and yearning teehee

———————

You have the flu. 

You have the flu, and it hits you like a bus. 

You have the flu, and it hits you like a bus, and you hate feeling helpless, but you can’t even walk to the bathroom and back without feeling dizzy. 

There’s a waste basket by the bed, lined with a plastic grocery bag. There are four glasses of water, varying in stages of fullness, littered on the nightstand. Your blinds are open because yesterday you wanted to see the sun, but you were too exhausted later in the day to close them. 

Your phone is ringing. You’re groggy, the whole world feeling hazy and heavy, as you lift it from the space in bed beside you and see a call from your boss. When you called Hotch two days ago and told him you were ill, he was incredibly patient with you. Don’t worry about work. Get some rest, he said. Check in so we know you’re okay. Let us know if you need anything. 

You answer the phone on the last ring, and a hoarse, weak voice that is not yours exits your throat. “Hello?” 

“Y/N,” Hotch sounds relieved. Did he think you were dead or something? It’s only the stomach flu. He also never calls you by your first name, which only makes you concerned that something else is gruesomely wrong. “Did you see my calls?” 

You put him on speaker and check your call history. Aaron Hotchner has called you four times in the past six hours. You missed every single one, having drifted in and out of consciousness all day long. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t. Is everything okay?” You ask, thinking something must have happened to him or to one of your teammates. Why else would he be desperate to reach you when you’re home sick? 

“Well, you tell me,” Hotch exhales, an incredulous chuckle lining his voice. The phone muffles the sound, but you know that if you heard it in person, it would sound symphonic. “I was just checking on you, Y/N. I know you’re new to the city.” You sit up a little in bed, as if he were in front of you. “How are you feeling?” 

You run a clammy hand over your sweaty forehead. “Hot,” you blurt out. 

“Excuse me?” Hotch laughs. 

“Hot, like… like a fever. Like I’m running a…” you shake your head at yourself, resisting the urge to scream into your pillow. “Sick. I feel sick, very sick.” 

“What kind of sick?”

What kind of sick? Why would he ask you that? You lean back against the headboard and wonder if he’s trying to determine if you’re faking to get out of work, or if he’s genuinely concerned. You’ve only been with the BAU for a few months, but you feel like you’ve gotten to know everyone fairly well so far. You decide Hotch must just be genuinely concerned. You roll through your symptoms, and Hotchner clears his throat when you’re done speaking. 

“Do you feel strong enough to get to your door?” He asks.

“Huh?”

“Because I’m here. Outside your door.” 

“What?” 

Hotch lets out a breathy laugh, one that seems almost in disbelief of his own actions. “If you don’t want company, I’ll leave, but I thought you might need a hand. I’ve been sick and alone before. It’s not fun.” 

You feel your heart swell a little as you recall what Emily has told you about Hotch. You get little snippets about him from Emily, and from what you understand, he and his ex-wife were painfully separated for a while before she was murdered. You wonder if he was ever stuck at home, ill, during that period of time. 

Hotch says your surname. “Are you still there?” 

“What? Yes. Yes! I’m sorry,” you huff, swinging your legs over the side of the bed. The thought of planting your feet on the ground, however, has you already feeling nauseous. “I don’t, uh… I don’t think I can make it to the door, though,” you squeak. “There’s a spare key under the doormat. But I really look gross, Hotch. And I might be contagious. So, enter at your own risk.”

“I don’t mind, L/N. You keep a key under the - oh, yes, there it is,” you hear Hotch fumble to juggle the key and his phone, and after a moment of static - his hand over the microphone - he hangs up, and you hear the front door of your apartment creak open. “Y/N?” He calls out. 

“In here,” you croak, scrambling under the covers and desperately brushing your sweaty hair out of your eyes. 

Hotch is standing in the doorway in an instant, still in his suit and tie. You glance at your phone and conclude he must have left work directly to come here. “How do you know where I live?” You mumble as he lifts a full grocery bag. 

“Personnel file,” he shrugs. “How’s your fever?” 

You notice he’s lingering in the doorway. He’s waiting to be invited in. “You don’t have to have a warrant,” you smile weakly and beckon him into your bedroom, a lame attempt at humor. 

He exhales in amusement, and you see the smile on his face - light and mild, and you wonder, if you weren’t sick, would it have been a grin? 

“You didn’t answer my question,” Hotch says as he steps slowly into the room, taking a cold bottle of Gatorade from the grocery bag and setting it on your nightstand. He starts gathering the cups of water into one arm. 

“You don’t have to do that,” you protest, feeling embarrassed of your mess. “Hotch-“

“It’s Aaron, outside of work,” he corrects you, and you see a flash of his teeth. “And you didn’t answer my question. How’s your fever?” 

You swallow. “High? I guess?” You say dumbly. 

A warm hand is pressed against your forehead and you are once again very aware of how clammy it is. “When was the last time you took something?” He asks. 

You check the time again, then do the math in your head. “Five hours ago.” 

“Where’s your medicine?” He asked. You shift in the bed, to stand up, and Hotch - Aaron’s - hand is on your shoulder. “Stay in bed. I’ll get it. Where is it?” 

“Bathroom cabinet,” you point to the bathroom. You want to protest further. You want to apologize for the mess, to ask him why he’s doing this, to ask him if he’d do this for anyone else. But you keep your mouth shut, instead rubbing the space between your brows as the inevitable headache kicks in. 

Aaron’s quickly out of your bedroom. You hear him walk into the kitchen, a few cabinets open and shut, and then he’s in your bathroom, same thing, opening and closing a cabinet. He comes back to you with a few crackers on a plate, a fresh glass of water, and your flu medicine. 

“So, let’s talk about why you think it’s a good idea to keep a spare key under the mat,” Aaron proposes as you take the medicine. You nearly choke on the water in your mouth, but manage to down it. His face gives him away - he’s not mad, not even disappointed, just smirky. Teasing and playful were not words you would use to describe Aaron Hotchner. 

Until right now. 

You open your mouth to speak, but Aaron cuts you off. “You spend your whole week working gory murders, kidnappings, terrorist threats. You know that the key under the mat is the oldest trick in the book. Why do you do it?” He asks, leaning against the wall beside your bed. 

“You can sit, if you want?” You offer, pointing to the desk chair in the corner. “Your legs must be tired from hanging out up there on that high horse.” 

Hotch just lets a low chuckle escape him as he rolls the desk chair over. He keeps a respectful distance from your bed, but still crosses his ankles and leans back, like he’s sat there a thousand times. Like he’s somehow comfortable. He looks at you expectantly, as if to say don’t make me ask again. 

“Well,” you feel a bit sheepish, because he is right. Keeping a key under your doormat is pretty dumb. “I guess I figure, most people are smart enough to not do it, so the kidnappers and rapists would assume I would be smart enough, too, so they wouldn’t even look under the mat.” 

Aaron’s expression is priceless, and he opens his mouth to say something, but you cut him off. “I’ll just give a spare to someone I trust, how about that?” You suggest, knowing intuitively that the lecture was only going to continue. 

Aaron gives you a nod of approval, and you lean back against the headboard again, stifling a yawn. “I can go, if you want to rest some more?” he proffers, rising from his seat. 

“You don’t have to,” you say quickly, uncontrollably. The words were locked and loaded in your throat before you could think twice. “I mean, I’m probably going to fall asleep soon, but I wouldn’t mind the company. For a little while.” 

You wonder how visibly red your face is.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alive,” Aaron chuckles, his polite, subtle way of declining your invitation, of making sure boundaries are still intact. You know Hotchner is a rule-follower. You admire that about him. “I’ll let you get some rest,” his hand extends, as if to reach out to you. You wonder if he’s going to touch you. His hand retracts after a moment that seems to last for an eternity. 

As Aaron walks towards the bedroom door, he turns around and smiles at you. It’s a real smile. It’s soft. You want to press it like a flower petal, between two book pages, and keep it in a jar on your shelf. 

“I brought you some soup for when you feel up to eating. It’s in your refrigerator,” he says. He taps his hands against the door frame. “Feel better, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow to check on you.” 

Aaron Hotchner leaves your apartment a minute later, and you fall asleep shortly after that. Your head is still pounding, and your stomach is twisted in knots, but it’s not from the nausea. 

[queenimmadolla]

𝐅𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐃𝐚𝐲

(dad!eddie munson x mom!reader)

Summary: . . . You and your kids wake Eddie up with a surprise for Father's Day. warnings: fluff and Eddie being down bad for Reader 🤭, implications of baby making.

word count: 2k

more dad!eddie here

“'Shhh', mama?” Your four year old asked as she trailed behind you in the hallway.

  “Yeah, we have to be quiet so you can wake daddy up with a surprise.” You were trying not to make too much noise with the flowers, wrapped in apparently the world’s loudest brown paper, hitching your nine-month old up higher on your hip.

  Thank goodness neither of your kids were in a fussy mood, especially considering you’d gotten them up early after the terrible night before. Wayne had a new tooth coming in, he was absolutely miserable and your poor baby made sure to let everyone know. He’d been wailing most of the night and Eddie took it upon himself to soothe him, rubbing some baby friendly orajel along his gums, massaging them with fingers dipped in cool water, and offering frozen teething rings and plenty of comfort in the form of nonstop cuddles.

  He hadn’t joined you in bed until the early hours of the morning, which worked out perfectly. Eddie had been dead asleep when you got up, squishing a pillow you’d planted in place of yourself to his chest.

  Next came getting the kids ready, which was also surprisingly easy. Penny was pliant with sleep, letting you dress her without whining (she kept trying to lean forward so she could rest on you and go back to sleep—it was the cutest thing) and your baby was still soothed by Eddie’s remedies, letting out content coos as you changed his diaper and also got him ready.

  After a quick trip to a music store downtown (and by quick you meant 45 minutes, Penny took delicate care in picking out another final gift for her daddy and told you not to rush her every time you’d ask her to hurry) and a stop at the flower shop, you arrived back home and it looked like Eddie still hadn’t stirred, which gave you time to make breakfast.

  You’d sat Waynie in his high chair, gave him some cut up pieces of banana to gnaw on—which he did so as aggressively as possible—and went about making pancakes, eggs and bacon (which Eddie liked to devour until he felt ill).

  Penny was of course your little helper, sitting on your lap while you assisted her with whisking the eggs in a bowl for Waynie’s scrambled eggs, and then perched on your hip to help you flip the pancakes. She’d insisted that Eddie’s pancakes all be heart shaped and you loved the idea, so after a couple of failed ones that would be on your plate, you eventually got it down and she wrapped her arms tightly around you in a hug for it.

  Once breakfast was plated and the table was set, you gathered Wayne and the flowers while Penny carried Eddie’s decoy gift towards your bedroom.

  Quietly, you opened the door and peaked in, smiling  at Eddie’s sleeping form.

  “Okay, let’s go wake him up. Shh.” You propped the door open for Penny to slip in before you and she grinned up at you, using her free hand to hold her finger to her lips, she’d be quiet.

  She set the rectangular box on the end of the bed and then climbed on top while you sat Wayne down on the bed.

  He was just starting to crawl, so he very shakily made his way towards Eddie—face planting quite a few times but it didn’t deter your baby.

  Penny looked back at you for confirmation and you nodded in encouragement. That was all the permission she needed.

  “Daddy! Daddy, wake up! It’s daddy’s day! Wakey, wakey!” 

  She poked and prodded at his side when he groaned and shifted onto his back, eyes squinting open. That wasn’t good enough for her, she moved to sit on him and Wayne finally reached him, using his dad’s shoulder to prop himself up enough to sit back on his bum while he let out a happy shriek, chunky little palms slapping eagerly at his dad’s face to do the trick.

  Eddie made a face, nose scrunching up but you could see the smile curling on his lips, dimples appearing.

  “Okay, okay! I’m awake! Stop the assault!” 

  Penny laughed as he sat up, which almost sent her sprawling on the bed but she caught herself on his leg. Eddie tutted, that wouldn’t do.

  Eddie reached out and pushed her off of him and she laughed hysterically as she bounced against the mattress which made the two of you chuckle. For some reason your daughter loved to rough house with him. 

  Penny didn’t stay down for long, quickly crawling back up to lay down along the side of his pillow and Eddie turned his head to look at her after he’d gathered Wayne and sat him on his chest.

  “Happy Fodder’s Day, daddy. You aw the best daddy in the whole wide everywhere.” She whispered to him, very seriously, and he leaned in to give her a smacking kiss on the nose.

  “Thank you, baby.” His voice was raspy but you could detect the emotion under it. Eddie was so gonna choke up.

  “You wanna give him his present?” You prompted her, and Eddie’s head darted in your direction, grin widening at the sight of you in his favorite dress.

  “Oh, yeah!” Penny scurried to the end of the bed and knee-crawled back to Eddie, hands outstretched to offer him the rectangular box.

  “What’s this?” He asked, tucking Wayne into his side so he could grab the box.

  “You gots to open it, daddy.” Penny demanded, eagerly leaning in to stare at the box while he did.

  “Sorry,” you both traded looks of amusement before he took off the lid and moved the tissue paper aside to reveal a new guitar strap; black and decorated with crossbone skulls. “This is for me?”

  “Yeah!” Penny nodded her head ecstatically. “Mommy lemme pickeded it out!”

  “Thank you so much, little pretty one.” Eddie moved his hand to the back of his daughter’s curly little head to bring it in so he could press a kiss to her forehead, then he turned to the baby at his side. “And you, too!”

  He leaned down and pressed a kiss to the sweet smelling curls on his baby’s head. In return, Waynie started gnawing on his arm.

  You sat on the side of the bed and pulled him away from Eddie’s arm. Your son looked at you, affronted,  like you’d committed the ultimate crime until you held a pacifier to his lips. He eagerly gobbled it up and relaxed back against Eddie, once more content as he suckled.

  “Penny, do you wanna go get the other thing?”

  “Wha─?” She looked at you, confused for only a moment before her big brown eyes lit up. “YES, YES, YES!”

  Penny quickly climbed off the bed and ran to her room, where you’d hidden it.

  “What are you up to, trouble?” Eddie asked and you turned your head away from the doorway to find him looking at you, sleepy eyes clouded with love and affection as he reached a hand out to stroke along your exposed thigh.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

  “You’re trying to make me cry again, aren’t you?”

  “Not me, no way. No how.” 

  “I GOS IT, MOMMY!” Penny ran back in, chin raised to peak over the box she carried. It wasn’t too heavy for her, just big.

  She brought it over to you and you handed it to Eddie before pulling her up onto your lap as you watched him unbox it.

  “I wonder what it could b—.” Eddie’s mouth parted just slightly as he pulled a small amp from the box. It wasn’t just any amp. It was an amp you’d sneakily picked up from the music store last week—he had a ton of amps sprawled around the apartment but Eddie’s favorite portable one had recently gone out on him. 

  The amp itself would have been a fantastic gift alone, but you’d taken a few extra steps to personalize it for him. You’d painted the black amp with a solid red background and then let Penny and Wayne paint whatever they wanted on it. 

  Penny had gone all out, making sure to paint her family holding hands on it, along with plenty of depictions of her dad, one of which was him wearing a cape because he was her hero and since Wayne was too little to use a paintbrush, his little hand and foot prints were on it. 

  On one of the sides was your initials (last name replaced with an ‘M’ to represent the Munson name you’d taken on when you’d married him) + EM 4Ever, tucked into a heart with Cupid’s bow shot through it. 

  “SUPISE! D’ya like it, daddy? I drews on it, and it got Waynie’s feets and hans.” Penny looked so proud of herself, smile nearly taking up her entire face.

  Eddie sniffled and you hid your grin in Penny’s hair. You got him.

  He licked his lips and cleared his throat to try and keep himself together but you could see the shine in his eyes when he raised them.

  “I love it so much, baby girl.” He choked out, holding Wayne a little tighter to his side.

  “You wanna give daddy a hug?” You whispered into her ear and she crawled off your lap to throw herself at Eddie, arms wrapping around his shoulders.

  Eddie was careful to make sure Penny didn’t squish Wayne as he held her to his chest, eyes squeezing shut and his freehand cradling the back of her head.

  “I luh you, daddy.” Penny mumbled, resting her cheek on his shoulder.

  “I love you, pretty Penny.” He pressed a multitude of kisses to her curls as he basked in the moment before his eyes shot open and over to you. “What are you doing all the way over there? Get over here and give me some love.”

  You affectionately rolled your eyes before you complied, lifting Wayne out of his arms and into yours to take his place tucked into Eddie’s side. Eddie demanded kisses the moment you were near, and because you loved him, you ignored his god awful morning breath and let him have his way.

  His lips remained pressed to your temple, an arm slipped around your waist so he could lift the skirt of your dress, fingers tracing the words I love you along your thigh as Penny explained all her paintings in great, excessive detail.

  Later, when you were all at the table eating the breakfast you and Penny had made, Eddie could barely get a bite in without staring at you. Wayne was in your arms, face pressed against your breast as he nursed (always did it before he ate solids), while Penny babbled to you about how fun cooking with you had been and how yummy it was as you helped her scoop up her food on her little fork.

  Eddie knew Father’s Day was a day meant to celebrate him and essentially all the other fathers of the world, but he’d much rather appreciate you. You’d given him Penny and Wayne; his sweet (usually) little girl and his baby boy. Without you, he wouldn’t be able to be a part of this day, really.

  Eventually, you felt the weight of his stare and looked up at him, gaze inquisitive.

  “What?” 

  He just huffed out a gentle laugh, brown eyes warm and making a certain feeling stir in your belly, “Nothing. Thank you. For them.”

  Eddie nods towards Wayne and Penny.

  “Well, you definitely played a part in getting them here.” You mused, reaching a hand out to stroke over Penny’s curls. 

  Sure, you made them but it wouldn’t have been possible had Eddie not finished inside of you on a regular basis. 

  When you looked back at him, Eddie was smirking, his eyes were heavily lidded and darkening–his bedroom eyes. The warmth in them was simmering into something much more intense as he leered at you with absolutely no shame. Lustful.

  You could feel yourself heating up, bashful nature hitting you full force as he nearly ate you alive with his gaze alone. You knew what was coming next, what he was about to say.

  “Wanna make another one during nap time?”

[miaurri]

I can finally drop her ref and add her backstory 😭 I made a post on insta with her lore but it's extremely water down so I might as well make a full post about it

CW// Animal death, Domestic Abuse, Grooming, Self Harm and Attempted SA

Kayo was born the first day of spring, a new beginning for her mother and father but over time she didn't came out "right" physically. She was beautiful no doubt about it but with such an odd looking eye she was almost incomplete.

Though despite this her family continued to raise her till she later on has a brother. They plan on raising him to become a samurai and bring wealth into the family home but Kayo insisit she can as well. Most of Kayo's early childhood was spent on taking care of the farm and help watching over her brother who was slowly getting ill. She was annoyed with him, not only for stealing the attention away from her family but as a "hindrance" to the family

As winter slowly arrived his condition had gotten worse and their money had gotten low. Nightly her parents argued on the money problem which lead to violence she'd witness, but Kayo wanted to show her family that she was able to provide as well. Unknowingly she went into the fields to look for some plants to use for medication and saw red spider lillies, entranced by then she grabbed a handful before sneaking back into the home as everyone went to sleep. Kayo proceeded to make a herb tea made out of the plants and gave them to her brother.

Even if she didn't like him she was willing to try and help her family out by watching after him. But no matter how many times she tried his condition had gotten worse, more and more Kayo started adding anything to make his medication work till she gave him all the remaining spider lillies she could find and made him drink it all that night. The next morning wasn't a pleasant one as her brother's body was layed cold. His face went purple and blood was left on his lips as Kayo's mother discover the dead body of her son and her daughter with a cup layed next to her her mother assumed that Kayo had intentionally poisoned her brother

Struck with grief and anger her mother shoved Kayo away from her brother as she cried and cradle his body. From then there her family had became worse. Her mother would always have bruises and was shaking in fear at any sign of touch. Kayo became distant but the guilt of upsetting her mother weighed more as Kayo told her she was willing to do anything to see her happy again.

That night Kayo's mother held her daughter for the last time. Not saying a word as by the next morning Kayo's mother lead her to a strange place. It was definitely more busier than their small village and everyone work nice clothing compare to the rags that they often wore. Kayo stopped by at a building and spoke to a strange man. Kayo felt nervous as she saw the man's eyes leering at her, she didn't understand what had happened but saw the man grabbing Kayo by her arm as he lead her further into the town.

As Kayo panicked she looked back at her mother who was walking away with a small bag of coins hand. Kayo was left to the hands of whoever now as she walked through the crowd of people. She finds herself heading into a tall building as the man lead her into a room, Kayo looking back immediately as soon as the paper door was slammed closed. But instead of something scary awaiting for her, there was a woman. She worn a ray of colorful kimonos that complimented her complexion well. Kayo was told that she'll be working with her as her Kamuro, her servant, but that for now on she'll be under her care

It didn't matter if she was only being nice, or that she perhaps pitied the child Kayo was happy someone was willing to take care of her. She had introduced herself as Fujinami and promised Kayo she'll never leave her side until she was ready. Hence that day Kayo was now renamed to the one we all now know her as. Her weeks with her were slow as she was just getting familiar to the environment she was in. Though she was well equipped with house keeping skills she was lacking a bit with grace and femmeninity.

Fujinami teaches her that in this industry that playing nice was an act, she was performing essentially but it made people happy. Though Kayo didn't seem as interested in playing pretend as she had more focus on being free and running around the house. Especially when one of Fujinami's client had been introduced to Kayo as he waited to see her. Isamu was a popular teacher at a dojo not too far from the district, but he had never met a young girl who was addamit on learning the skills of his craft, not even his younger students showed that much passion which intrigued him.

Kayo was a young spirit. High in energy despite her circumstances and loved playing games with anyone who was willing. It didn't take long for Isamu to start growing a fondness with her and even sharing a bit about himself. He was aware how odd it was for a girl like her to enjoy typically masculine things but even he admits he was like her growing up. He told her stories of him and his mother taking care of the flowers in their home and always enjoying them bloom at the first sight of spring, it was a long process and some don't even bloom in time but he'd personally think that's there's beauty of it.

As Kayo gotten older she'd completely forgotten her old life and now embraced her new one. She even made a friend with a boy from another house named Shotaro. The two would often spar and walk around the town, if they're lucky they could even buy some sweets with the small amount of money they were given. But not everything was great as with each winter's passing Kayo was slowly not forming into the image Fujinami wanted, eventually Kayo will be on her own and if she didn't start becoming the "perfect woman" she'll be left broke and dead.

Fujinami kept insisting that Kayo should start things more seriously as with the lack of skills Kayo was showing was getting worse. Fujinami explained that if she kept practicing and playing up this idea of beauty that one day a man will buy her out and she can finally escape the district on her own. But Kayo kept on failing, she was vulgar with her words, couldn't do flower erranging or even playing most of the instruments given to the house. All she could really do is fight but that's it

Stressed, Fujinami left Kayo to clear her head as she gotten ready to see her next client. Kayo feeling guilty for the lack of consideration wanted to do something for her. But as she's seen growing up, words mean nothing. They're fake and empty and only true dedication is necessary. She's heard from some of the women that there were times that the Oirans would send letters containing a piece of their finger, but usually it's never theirs. Maybe she couldn't get a finger... but she can do something better

Kayo had practiced once again as she was cleaned the table of the spilt sake as a sudden noise comes from the window. She looked down from the window and saw an injured bird on the ground limping. Feeling pity she took the animal in as she grabbed a cloth and scissors to wrap it's wings. But as she stared down at the helpless bird something overcame her, instead as the bird was flapping it's wing suddenly Kayo pierced into the flesh of the bird causing it to holler out in pain. When Kayo managed to rip off a chunk of it's broken wing Fujinami already came upstairs to see the commotion Kayo with glee presented her the bird, her hands coated in blood as she happily talked about how she was sorry for not practicing hard enough but she promised that she'll be good this time around. Disgusted at the bloody sight and the smell Fujinami ran off from Kayo causing her to follow her behind. Confused and worried she clung onto her begging for forgiveness before being shoved by her. Fujinami being scared of what Kayo is capable of shouts that she had wished she had been born a normal girl and not some animal. Struck by those words Kayo watched as she ran away from her as weeks passed and Kayo became completely focus on being more feminine.

If anything what she desired most was her approval, for that happiness she once had to still remain as she continued to perfect her craft. By the time she was old enough to "graduate" she had already perfected the image that was put upon her. Her vulgar language now light and flowery, she was gentle and graceful. Kayo hoped that Fujinami would see her growing into the woman she wanted her to be but alas, she was nowhere in sight. Thats when she heard that since she was old enough to work on her own Fujinami was no longer obligated to take care of her. As her graduation week came, she had herself presented to a crowd of people along the street. She kept a smile but deep down was distraught that she couldn't even be there to say goodbye. Each day she worn a new kimono and her hair was adorned with gold. But no amount of riches could fulfill that void in her heart, Kayo wept. Quietly at first before she had a meltdown as she trashed everything in her room. Stripping herself off of her kimono and hair piece she couldn't bare herself being parted from Fujinami. She was once again all alone. But as she cried a door opened and leaping from the floor begged Fujinami to forgive her and to take her with her. Unfortunately for her a old woman came to say someone had already bought her out for the night, her first customer. Kayo had to be as presentable as she could be but Kayo's heart grew heavy once she waited for her first client. But that feeling would only grow as she looked up and saw Isamu of all people coming to see her.

Kayo was conflicted, but she hoped that he was only there so he could buy her contract and let her live with him. She had decided to speak with him more formally as she poured him sake, but despite the circumstance that they're in Kayo smiled as she spoke fondly about how at least if there was one more figure in her life to trust it would be him. But as entertaining it was for him watching Kayo fumble with her words. He told her that he was only here for one thing most of all. After all, he said, "He enjoyed watching the flowers bloom in spring" and Kayo was simply a flower that was late to bloom. Kayo's face grew pale as he reached closer to her. "Sometimes you have to open the flower yourself to see it's true beauty" was the only words she could make out as she stood still, her body frozen as the image of what was the friendly man who took her under his wing became monstrous, almost unrecognizable. But Kayo wanting to play this role for Fujinami lets him get closer. But she was scared, afraid of what he can do to her that her body broke from it's spell as she grabbed her hairpiece and pierced his eye. Causing him to fall back as Kayo fought him off from trying to get to her. Kayo had lunged forward to him as she stabbed him multiple times. Blood soaking her soft orange kimono as she now stood in a puddle of blood. She could hear the sounds of the people downstairs celebrating and laughing as she processed what had happened. She realized now that staying her would mean a fate worse than death. And Kayo knew what she had done was wrong as she stormed out of the room. Bloody footprints following her as she ran out of the house causing on lookers to look in horror of the bloody mess she was. Kayo will escape the district even if it killed her. She didn't care her feet were burning against the ground or how dirty her garments were She felt more free than ever before and like an animal escaping from its home. She was no longer a house pet but a run away. But as her small foot can lead her she went into hiding. Slowly as she had gotten older she'd realized how poorly her body reacted to pain. Each day now she inflicted harm onto her body for her to handle the pain as cuts varied from small to deep until she could barely flinch from the pain. She started out rough though as all of her kills for hire only gave her scraps. But it was enough for her to go by. Luckily present to the story she had now perfected her skills, the thing that once brought fear into people she knew was now a necessary for her to survive. She had finally took care of herself and was now even able to afford some small goods like a beni that she cherished. Even though she knew there was no way someone would see her as a wife she still dreamed of someone accepting her the way she is. Everything was back to normal, as normal as things could be until one day she was sent a hit. A samurai who cut through a dojo but as well as the four fang, though she was tempted to decline once she heard how much she was getting paid for the hit suddenly changed her mind. Now finding herself walking along the snow path alone. She finds the calmness of the winter snow appealing but like a storm, she locked eyes with him- The rest you can figure out what happened :3

[strrykais]

fourth of july

idol : stray kids // kim seungmin song : fourth of july - sufjan stevens warnings : death word count : 749

there you sat, in the white room, the sound of a constant beeping filling the stuffy room. you didn't want to believe, the person you care for the most in the world was sitting there, slowly dying and there was absolutely nothing you or the doctors could do to help him.

it has always been you two since you were little, he was your father and mother figure. and now here he was dying, stupid cancer, stupid fucking cancer. 

you didn’t want him to see you cry, you didn't want him to feel any worse than he probably already felt when he first found out months ago. you both caught it too late, you felt like if you just pushed him to go see the doctors earlier then maybe you both wouldn’t be in this position.

“hey kiddo.” seungmin's voice calls out to you, refusing to look at him. you didn't want to remember him like this, so pale, so hollow. you wanted to remember him as the outgoing, fun loving brother you always knew. “look at me.”

you slowly look up to see his smiling face, though his eyes had no shine. “why are you crying?” hands flying up to your cheeks not even noticing that tears began to fall down.

“i just.. i just can’t go on without you. i have no one.” you sniffle, hand reaching out to hold onto his hand.

“im sorry kiddo, but you are strong, and so so smart, you will do great things, i just know it. mom and dad knew it.” seungmin squeezes your hand as tight as his body would let him. 

“i know but it's been us since they died, and i can't lose you too. i'll be all alone.” 

“you have meatloaf.” he smiles

“that fat cat isn't gonna help me with boy problems.” you roll your eyes laughing with him.

“no he totally would do better than i would. i would just beat them up. now that i think about it, that old fat cat would too.” seungmin laughs a little too hard, coughing out harshly. running to his table to get him a glass of water, you help him drink. 

seungmin stares at you wanting to remember every little detail of your face before saying “you know you will be just fine, i love you kiddo.” 

going in gently you reach to give him a hug, he returns it planting a kiss on the top of your head. “i love you too min.”

it was raining the night he died, it was also raining right now as you watched the casket lower into the dirt, you didn't care that the rain was soaking your clothes. you were just happy it was hiding your tears, you didn't want to cry, you didn't want the last thing he could hear was your sobs.

you stood there after many of both your friends and long distance relatives said their goodbyes, giving condolences and saying ‘if you need anything i'm here.’ you could care less because where were they when you needed them when he were still alive. people only care when you're dead.

what felt like hours, you standing watching, hoping it was some sick prank, clothes sticking to your body, shivers running down your spine. hair a complete mess down your face, while the rain still continues to beat you down. only for it to stop, you look up and see a bright yellow umbrella covering you, turning you see a man who you would have to say resembles a fox, now the one being soaked by the rain.

“you’ll catch a cold standing out here like that. you should know seungmin would beat you for getting sick.” he smiles, eyes scrunching with it. “come on, let me take you home.” he holds out a hand waiting for you to grab.

“do i know you?” you continued to look at him up and down as he was starting to get as soaked as you were.

smiling once again, “no i know your brother, we are really good friends. come on, he wanted me to show you something. but first let's get you some dry clothes. yeah?” he started flicking his hands in a ‘come here’ motion. sighing, you slide your wet hand into his letting him pull you away. before going another he stops turning and yells over to the hole in the ground, “see you later seungmin, ill take good care of her, like i promised.”

1k extravaganza

ⓒstrrykais

[biscuitbox23]

Dead weight.

summary: you run into the woods to get away from the group, you were reaching the end of your life as you suffer from aplastic anemia, only to get stopped by Rick.

A/n: I’m not a medical expert, i have no familiarity with the field of medicine I am just an idiot who is a sucker for terribly made sad stories. This may be a very long opening to the actual climax so im sorry for that :( please do DM me for advice on how i can make my fanfictions better!

Warnings: inaccurate depictions of the illness, non-established relationship (rick and reader), mentions of death, angst, cursing. (Not much due to me being a minor.) somewhat bad grammar since English isn’t my second language.

words: 1.3K

It has been a while, well, a while since you had a good stock of medicine. You had been in an abandoned cabin a few months after the outbreak. During it, you got stuck in a pharmacy in Atlanta. The law was gone now, so you hoarded a ton of antibiotics, capsules, injections, and anything you could get your grubby hands on.

When Rick and Daryl saved you from a trio of men who were trying to take advantage of you, you joined them and did not stay inside forever, especially when blood stained the floors of your shelter. It was a mistake.

You wanted to stay with yourself, isolated from the horrors and sacrifices that the world has offered now. It was harder to find medication now that most stores were stripped clean. It was easier for you to catch minor fevers, and you tended to have more rest than the others in the group. The only reason you were there is because you knew how to survive.

In the woods, in the apocalypse, no problem. Whatever your dad knew your dad would teach you, he was an outdoor person and loved to forage different shrooms and plants. God knows what happened to him.

You grew closer to the group, helping them find food and clean water, scavenging what you can find in abandoned retail stores (even if it does not have much importance.)

Now you find yourself walking out of Alexandria by attempting to climb the steel borders to the outside of the wall, your head spinning as drowsiness has consumed you to your very core, yet you still have the urge to continue. Or else you are just dead weight. You had a few foot slips —you swear, Enid makes it look easy— but managed to get out. You can sense your muscles aching as if you did not even have the strength to pull yourself up despite climbing trees more than a million times when you were a teen. You needed to disappear 

from the people, the group. Rick.

Rick was a leader, for sure. He had all the correct morals and cunningness and looked up to him for it. You were no longer the person of any use to him and his group. You could not even defend yourself without stumbling down to the ground.

You were around when T-dog and Lori passed away. You 

remembered falling for Rick when you first saw him, only to discover he had a pregnant wife and a kid. It started like a rocky road. You were so used to the isolation that it took a lot of convincing to get you to come with them to the prison.

You took a liking to his daughter Judith. You loved babies. It was a surprise. You thought that you would never find a baby in this world again. Carl was the closest to you. You tell him stories about your life and would do the same, reminiscing about the world that used to be. He praised his father a lot and got a good idea of what Rick was like as a father. Hershel would check up on your health while Rick would stand beside the old sport as Hershel examines you.

Making your way into the woods, you stopped by a tree to take a breather. Your hands were on your knees as you stared down to the ground, crinkles of the leaves crushing on the bottom of your shoes. The night was cold and airy. The chill on the tip of your nose was evident as you took one more glance at the haven that shielded the real outside world from its inhabitants. The sour stench of rotting meat was not detectable and gave some fresh air — It is not like you cannot get fresh air in Alexandria. You want to be alone most of the time.

“thought I'd find you here." A voice called out, the voice echoing in your ears sounding familiar as the crunching of leaves has gotten closer and closer.

“fuck” you curse under your breath, “how did you find me?”

“Carl saw you tryin’ to climb the walls.”

“huh,” you playfully scoffed but was met with a chill and a cough, “thought I was being sneaky…”

“what're you doin’ out here?” Rick asks out of the blue, staring you up and down as you lean back into the tree.

“Rick," you sighed heavily, “go back.”

“I'm not goin’ back till you tell me what happened, y‘know that, don’t you?” Rick asked with a twinge of concern mixed with his southern drawl.

You paused.

“I'm leaving, Alexandria,” You rubbed your forehead as your stomach grumbled. Sliding down to sit as your back leaned onto the tree further.

“If this is about your illness we can make—“Before Rick could finish his sentence you interrupted.

“Make it work? Yeah, I don’t think so…” You retorted, “You don’t understand, Rick. I have a condition where my bone marrow doesn't produce enough blood cells, and I have no meds to help me, what are the chances of finding a pharmacy? A pharmacy where it has all the things I need to survive?” You spat, frustration filling your mind like hot liquid.

“Denise can help you, Y/n, you have seen her efforts in helping you,” You can sense Rick’s desperation to get you back to Alexandria’s infirmary. His voice remained gentle but firm.

“Why, Rick?” Your eyes stared into Rick's ocean blue orbs, frustration, and confusion, “I’m not strong, anymore. I can’t go on runs, anymore. I can’t protect anyone.”

“Because we still need you—“

“Maybe it’s you who still needs me, Rick…” You spat, leaning your head on the wood as you got the strength to finally stand up, with the support of the tree, of course.

“Y/n we can discuss this once we get back,” Rick sighed, coming closer to you as he held both your arms gently.

A rush of adrenaline painfully scours into your veins as you push him away with all the remaining strength you have.

“GODDAMNIT RICK, WHY CANT YOU JUST LET ME DIE OUT THERE!” You yelled at him. “YOU KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE A BURDEN AND YOU SAW HOW MANY PILLS I HAD ON THE TABLE!”

Rick scoffed, “You're giving up now? After all that has happened? The prison, terminus… and you decide to end it all here? Where we’re finally safe?” His tone wasn’t as gentle but it was now harsher, deeper.

“if you think more treatments, will change anything, it won’t. I'm done and I won't let you guilt me into continuing this charade.”

“then what’re you gon’ tell Carl, hm? That you’re sick of bein’ alive so now you’re gonna leave?”

“This isn’t about Carl, Rick it’s about you keeping me to fill in the gap of what Lori gave you,” you glare with poison in your very eyes. “Leaving you to care for a child that was never yours.”

Rick went quiet, as you realized what you had said, “i-I’m sorry… Rick…” you pleaded, holding his hands.

Rick sighed, “Maybe you're right."

You nodded, your breath becoming shorter as your legs finally give in. You feel your body starting to shut down. Rick helped you sit down comfortably on the ground. You were paler and had many bruises on your arms and legs. You were heating up again.

“I'm sorry, Rick,” you breathed heavily, clutching the hand he gave you.

“It’s okay, Y/n,” Rick comforted you, kissing her knuckles as her legs trembled. Rick’s voice was shaky, almost labored.

“I don’t wanna turn, you can ask Daryl to keep my gun, you’ll need it,” You softly chuckled. Rick looked at you, taking his revolver from his holster.

“Get back to Alexandria, to Judith…” you smiled as you felt bile in your throat, blocking your airway and your heartbeat becoming more abnormal.

Rick gives you a final kiss on the head as an act of kindness and comfort on the edge of a quick and painless death.

—————————————————————

a/n: Hello everyone! This is my very first Fanfic and I thought about it on the spot 😭 Reading it for me makes me kinda cringe but don’t we all? Anyways hope you guys enjoyed it (cuz I didn’t but I’m a sucker for tragic love)

[thesilversun]

A bit more from the still as yet untitled Difang to Difanghua fic.

previous bit for wip wednesday here

Li Lianhua is still missing, Fang Duobing is taking it hard, and Di Feisheng isn't managing much better.

Inside the Lotus Tower everything is as it had been left, only now with the beginnings of a fine layer of dust forming. 

He doesn’t look at the bed. (No longer slept in) At the neatly folded covers. (No longer left in disarray where he's got distracted) Or at the cooking pots. (No questionable food bubbling in them) Or the mismatch jars of unlabelled herbs and spices. (No more strange combinations) 

The first thing he really looks at just plant in a pot, left on the table, a water dipper beside it. Dry leaves have dropped from it. Dark, crisp little things devoid of life. 

It’s just a plant, but lump it brings to Fang Duobing’s throat is out of proportion.  

Hulijing has travelled with him, the horses are safe and cared for, and the Lotus Tower secured and parked up safely.  

He’d not thought about the plants. Li Lianhua’s plants. 

The ones on the tubs on the outside of the Tower are mostly fine. They’ve been watered when the rain falls. The indoor plants, the ones grown in pots, either for planting out later or because they didn’t need to have grown large before they could be used, haven’t fared so well. Brown and withered they straggle forlornly from their pots balanced shelves and the tops of cupboards. 

His eyes sting, the room going blurry. Li Lianhua is going to be so disappointed in him when he finds out he’s failed to even keep a plant alive. He’d spent so long growing some of them. 

Maybe they aren’t dead yet.  

They might be hibernating or whatever it is plants do in the winter. Plants could do that, couldn’t they? Or was it just trees?  Either way, surely he can still save them. Maybe they aren’t so far gone. Wasn’t bringing wilted flowers back to full bloom one of the first ways Li Lianhua had shown him how Yangzhouman could be used? 

He can do this.  

Surely, he can do this, he tells himself. He can put this right at least. 

If a thing is difficult, even if he’s been told it’s impossible, it's never been a deterrent to him. Not overcoming his childhood illness, not joining Baichuan Court, not finding Li Lianhua for the first time. No, challenges were meant to be met head on and continued with stubbornly until he succeeds.  

Determined now, Fang Duobing gathers the wilting and dead pot plants onto the table, pours water onto the dry soil. It runs through the cracked earth and out the bottom of the pots.  

Sitting on the floor watching him, Hulijng cocks her head to one side as the water drips slowly off the edge of the table.  

Leaving the plants for a moment, Fang Duobing fills her water bowl and puts out some food for her. He should probably eat too, but nothing appeals to him. If he can save Li Lianhua’s plants maybe that is a sign he’ll save him too. Maybe if he can make them live he won’t feel too heart sick and full of grief to eat to tonight.    

Placing the pots into bowls of water this time, he lets the soil go from grey back to a rich black-brown. That on its own won’t be enough, not to see a difference right away, to get that immediate rush of hope. 

Yangzhouman will help with that. Elegant and deadly when use in a fight this other use, to heal and to protect is what Fang Duobing find so special about it. 

It’s strength and softness. Fighting for what you believe in, to make things right, and to provide help and comfort afterwards. 

For some of the plants it doesn’t take much, the lightest of touches, and they act like it’s the first days of spring. Leaves green again, withered buds start to swell and bloom.  With these he carries on, lets them burst into colour and scent, bringing life and brightness back to the room.  

Individually the energy it needs to make them live isn’t much, but it builds up, a slow but sure exhaustion creeping in. He won’t stop thought. Can’t. He can’t let Li Lianhua down in this too.  

Finally, just one dried-up plant remains. The first that he had noticed on the table.  

It’s too far gone. Not water or even him trying to revive it with Yangzhouman works.  It’s dead and there is no bringing it back. It feels far too symbolic. That no matter who else he helps, that in the end, when comes to saving Li Lianhua, he is going to fail.  

Kneeling on the floor, the shrivelled plant held to his chest, Fang Duobing bursts into tears. They’ve been threating all day, and the few that had been shed upon arrive back the Lotus Tower hasn’t eased that.  

Padding over to him, Hulijing licks at his hands. When that doesn't work she rests her head on his knee. Company until it passes, as she’d done with Li Lianhua, when he’d been sick or unable to hide his distress.  

A cold gust of wind makes Fang Duobing look up. Standing in the open doorway, Di Feisheng stares at him.  

“No. No.” It’s said mostly to himself, disbelieving, almost afraid. Then, he crosses the room in just a few steps. “Fang Duobing, is he…” 

“Not that.” Fang Duobing can see the fear in his eyes. Feels it in the pit of his stomach, because it’s all too close to his own. He hates that he’s worried him, he can’t stop the tears either.  He hold up the plant, as if it’s presence will explain. “I forgot to water it. It’s dead. It’s my fault. I know it silly, it’s only a plant, it not-” 

The pot is quickly lifted from his hands and replaced with a jar of wine; the seal already broken.  

“Drink.” 

[blorbortion]

happy pride month!

i figured its as good a time as any for me to finally post my gay book recs 😌

theyre overwhelmingly YA as im a young adult and thats what ive been reading, but im widening my horizons, so stay tuned for more mature entries! ill be updating this list as i read more gay lit.

WLW 4 or 5 out of 5 stars

- She Drives Me Crazy by Kelly Quindlen (les/bi, enemies to lovers, sports, set in high school, YA)

- The Falling in Love Montage by Ciara Smyth (great writing, appealing characters and authentic chemistry, i think les/les, YA)

- Not My Problem by Ciara Smyth (also amazing, also les/les, has heavier themes, YA)

- Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo (historical - 1950s, asian american sanfran culture, butch/femme, YA, deserves its popularity. do Not read the spin off its not worth it)

- Cinderella is Dead by Kalynn Bayron (fairytale retelling, feminist focus, les/les, YA)

- This Poison Heart + This Wicked Fate by Kalynn Bayron (urban fantasy, bi/les? i think, poisonous plants, greek mythology, two books, YA)

- How to Excavate a Heart by Jake Maia Arlow (les/les, YA, lots of "reclaimed" slurs, lots of secondhand embarrassment, but if you wanted something seasonal for winter here you go - its not bad!)

- A Spindle Splintered + A Mirror Mended by Alix E. Harrow (fairy tales, lesbian mc, other wlw side characters, fun and short, written for tumblr and its obvious, sometimes depressingly real)

- This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amar El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone (time traveling, enemies to lovers, short chapters, tries to be poetic and sometimes it succeeds sometimes it doesnt)

- Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield (horrors of the ocean, it doesnt get better - no happy ending, still beautiful though)

- Salt Slow by Julia Armfield (women-focused horror short stories antology, i would call it bisexual moreso than lesbian, definitely worth a read)

- Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flag (a story that takes decades and focuses on many characters, two of the most prominent are in a same-sex relationship, lovely and bittersweet at times)

- The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall (set in the early 20th century and quite sad, a very relatable story of a gnc lesbian woman growing up and living as an "invert", looking for her place in the world)

- Affinity by Sarah Waters (historical - late 19th century - mystery, set in a large part in a women's prison, mc suffers from depression, spiritualism is a strong theme)

- Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin (contemporary litfic about a depressed lesbian with severe anxiety, a tough read if you relate but SO good, and against all odds it has a happy ending)

MLM 4 or 5 out of 5 stars

- If This Gets Out by Sophie Gonzalez and Kale Dietrich (gay/bi?, YA, secret dating, two boysband members, alternating perspectives)

- Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall (fake dating, cringe but somehow fun when you get into it, very organic writing)

- Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston (gay/bi, YA, enemies to lovers, actually fun!, better than the movie^tm, a bit cringe with the ~progressive~ lines and fanficky moments)

- Time to Shine by Rachel Reid (gay/bi, sports romance, there were so many beds and still they chose to sleep in one together, very fun + funny)

- Icebreaker by A. L. Graziadei (bi/gay, rivals to lovers, YA, sports romance, a little internet-y at times, theres a side poly relationship)

- More Happy Than Not by Adam Silvera (NOT a romance, super depressing, a lot of deep homophobia, but also beautiful. i gave it 5/5 on goodreads, YA)

- Masters of Death by Olivie Blake (a fun urban fantasy with a large, found-familyish cast, some slight Harry Potter references and a lot of humor and existential pondering, lovers to strangers to enemies to lovers, bi?/bi)

- All For The Game series by Nora Sakavic (gay/bi m/m, such a guilty pleasure but its SO good, its like a sports anime but 1. the sport is made up 2. its actually gay 3. theres the mafia involved??, very early 2010s with how edgy it is but its worth it i promise. a LOT of trigger warnings though, if its important to you - CHECK THEM BEFOREHAND)

honorable mentions that arent very gay focused but are very good

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (campus novel/dark academia, the m/m is mostly subtext, heavy style of writing but so worth it, shakespeare abound, please read it)

- Graveyard Shift by M.L. Rio (a halloween-y mystery novella about rats, mushrooms, academia and journalism, a Very Slight f/f element but its enough for me to put it here)

- The Raven Cycle by Maggie Stiefvater (YA, fantasy, literally so good, not much of the m/m romance but when it happens it HAPPENS, 5/5 im obsessed with this series)

- The Tusks of Extinction by Ray Nayler (a short sci-fi novel about bringing mammoths back, multiple povs, one of those is focused on a gay couple - which is irrelevant to the story but i loved the book so im using this opportunity to promote it)

- When Among Crows by Veronica Roth (polish folklore inspired urban fantasy, a 3 person found family, very short (160 pages) and reads quickly, if youre polish yourself though be prepared for cringing - language errors abound, a little m/m)

- Several People Are Typing by Calvin Kasulke (a short epistolary novel about a guy with an office job whose soul got sucked into the Slack app. written entirely in Slack messages. VERY funny, quite thought-provoking and at times beautiful! has a small sprinkling of m/m)

less than 4 out of 5 stars but i read them so ill state my opinion anyways

- A Scatter of Light by Malinda Lo (YA, wlw - bi/les, great writing boring story, gnc lesbian compared to a boy later revealed to identify as nonbinary, homophobic slurs "reclaimed", cheating, unfinished sideplots)

- Ash by Malinda Lo (YA, wlw, bi/les i think, fairytales, fantasy, uncomfortable het age gap, moral of the story - love triumphs all)

- The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun (YA, mlm, gay/gay?, lots of awkward internet popculture references, slurs, writing mostly fun and engaging but at times felt like an educational PSA)

- The Coldest Touch by Isabel Sterling (YA, wlw, les/bi, marketed as lesbian Twilight - do not be fooled, the author is weird abt race too though, the romance isnt really fleshed out)

- These Violent Delights by Micah Nemerever (mlm, an attempt at dark academia, the start was interesting but then it turned into disgusting fetishization of violence in a gay relationship, written by a tif and you can tell)

- Conversations with Friends by Sally Rooney (the mc is bi and her best friend is a lesbian, the characters are all awful, it kinda felt lesbophobic at times but i dont have proof)

- Hani and Ishu's Guide to Fake Dating by Adiba Jaigirdar (wlw, YA, as you can guess fake dating, also rivals to lovers iirc?, its nice but just didnt catch my attention much)

- A Million to One by Adiba Jaigirdar (wlw, YA, a heist on the Titanic, i dont know why i keep giving this author a chance, you need to suspend your disbelief so much its inadvisable for atheists to read it)

- Honeymoon for One by Rachel Bowdler (winter holiday romance, les/bi ("pan"), lots of grief and conflict and not enough of the romance developing, so many awful mothers??)

- Running With Lions by Julian Winters (YA, mlm bi/gay, the writing isnt that good, a bit of misogyny)

- Don't Want You Like a Best Friend/More Than a Best Friend by Emma R. Alban (victorian era les/les romance, a very light read - dont expect a historical drama, theres a large focus on other m/f pairings. warning: lowkey step-sibling "incest" - read the book description)

- You're the Problem, It's You by Emma R. Alban (sequel to the previous position, victorian era mlm gay/gay romance, dont expect historical accuracy here)

- You're Not Supposed to Die Tonight by Kalynn Bayron (wlw YA slasher horror with supernatural elements, the final girl trope plays a big role, i dont read horror often but this one is not good even though i like the author)

- The Magic Between by Stephanie Hoyt (gay/bi mlm, main character with OCD, an interesting though maybe overdone magic system, overall though just a goofy tumblr romance - nothing special, but good fun)

- The Nightmare Before Kissmas by Sara Raasch (bi/? mlm, holidays with magical royal families, romcom but not a lot of the rom - you can tell the author usually writes fantasy and not romance, fun and silly but nothing amazing)

sekcja polska 🇵🇱

- Noce za nocami i Noce aż po wieczność autorstwa Małgorzaty Wilk (wampiry w Warszawie, pierwsza książka homo m/m druga bi w/m - ale oryginalna parka nadal na pierwszym planie, dużo drugoplanowych postaci lgb i innych par jednopłciowych, nie ma żadnych slurów ani praktycznie nic o trans, lekki i bardzo zabawny styl, bardzo przyjemna dylogia)

- Zanim dojrzeją granaty autorstwa Rene Karabasz (bułgarska powieść o specyficznym stylu, główna bohaterka jest lesbijką i albańską burneszą - zaprzysiężoną dziewicą)

- Pawilon małych ssaków autorstwa Patryka Pufelskiego (pamiętnik geja wyłoniony jako najlepszy w konkursie na pamiętniki osób LGB/T przez co został wydany oddzielnie od reszty, świetnie napisany, bardzo prawdziwy i wzruszający)

- Krew, która nas dzieli autorstwa Edyty Prusinowskiej (główna bohaterka jest bi, jest też istotna postać lesbijki która gra hetero femme fatale ale jest ciekawa, YA, wampiry, fajna lekka lektura, szybko się czyta)

- Córki tamtych wiedźm i Prawdziwe wiedźmy autorstwa Weroniki Łodygi (dylogia wlw, les/les?, middle grade, mało romansu w pierwszej części, Hogwart ale polski i tylko dla dziewczyn, główny wątek rozwija się dość późno)

- Lato w pionierskiej chuście autorstwa Kateriny Silvanovnej i Eleny Malisovej (m/m o gejach na pionierskim obozie w ZSRR, spoko koncept ale słabe wykonanie, diabelsko potrzebuje redakcji)

[aotearoa20]

Penance: Part One. One/Two/Three

The little messenger of the Valar was actually very lucky to have found them all together at the same time.

There were many rooms and long corridors in Mandos. Ambarussa had found Curufin in this one some time ago, on the small outcropping of rock by an underground waterfall. And he would not be moved. He sat with a form that was barely distinguishable and stared out at where the water hit the pool, causing a continuous spray of bioluminescence.

Caranthir had no intention of lingering beside his brother’s bitterness. He wandered, often to the Halls of Vaire. He met his grandmother and her handmaidens. Sometimes he looked for news in the tapestries. Sometimes he could persuade the solemn to give him work. They never let him do more than untangle threads but in a being barely corporeal, it was enough of a challenge to keep him for utter boredom.

Ambarussa wandered too, Amras trailing after his twin as he showed every nook and cranny left in the Halls. But they returned now and again, trying to coax their brothers into their explorations. Celegorm followed them once or twice but usually remained within eyeshot of the little room with the waterfall.

It was pure chance that Caranthir had ended at back there at the same time as the twins and nothing was said of it. They didn’t speak all that much, well, save Amrod who never really stopped. He seemed scared of the empty space.

Mandos is quiet. For weary broken souls, the silence is a balm. A space to reorient and to heal. But Amrod has long come to terms with himself. Amrod is long healed and Caranthir knows the dark quiet has been smothering him. He thinks he may go mad and could almost laugh at the irony.

A light appeared in the doorway and it was strange. There was light down here. Green flamed lamps and plants that glowed hues of violet and blue. But this was different. This was warm and too bright for his imagined eyes. The figure obscured its glare was tangible enough for his footsteps to echo.

"What news, friend?" Amrod smiled.

Caranthir shivered. It’s eerie the ease with which Amrod could speak with Namo’s Maiar. Their presence still filled him witth a sense of dread, though this one didn’t seem to. Celegorm stood as it drew near but made no move towards it. There was somethingwrong about it. It was too bright, too solid -

“I’m looking for Maedhros Fëanorian.”

There was a beat of silence before Amrod grinned, “You are not dead”

There was a excitement in his voice that sounded nearly like a threat. The stranger lowered the lamp and as his face came into view, Caranthir was almost certain he knew him.

“Lúthien,” he heard Celegorm whisper and with that he was certain.

“You’re Elros’ brother” he said as he rose to his feet. The elf opened his mouth to reply but for a moment no words come out. As if he didn’t know where to pursue his first question or ask a new one.

“He came this way before he left.” Caranthir continued making the choice for him, “He also asked for Nelyo.”

“I am Elrond Peredhel.”

Half Elven. Dior’s grandson. He would have been the Prince of Doriath if fate and his family had been kinder.

“But you are not following him?”

He would have assumed so. He knew their own twins dealt ill with being parted. Elros had not stayed long. Caranthir’s remembered thinking of asking him to carry a message to the otherside. Perhaps he should have.

But it would appear this one was not bound for the Doors of Night. Amrod was right, he was still living and evenso he could sense a solidness to his fëa that his brother did not have.

“No.”

“What do you want?,” Curufin's voice cut sharp from his little crevice of stone.

“To speak with Maedhros.” Elrond replied, undeterred by the coldness of it. 

“Why?”

Caranthir took a breath he didn’t need, ready to defend the poor boy from whatever was about to leave his brother’s mouth when they were both silenced.

“Elrond?”

They all turned to the shadowed door.

Maedhros had arrived so close to fading, they feared they would lose him forever. Even now his fëa was barely a wisp of a thing. It was as if the darkness had found a voice.

“So for this one he’ll appear, but we are not so worthy,” Celegorm doesn’t quite growl but Caranthir elbowed him as hard as an incorporeal spirit can elbow another. He might scare Nelyo away for another hundred years.

“Maedhros…” Elrond began, the word hung in the air a moment before he shook his head and looked away, “I have petitioned the Valar for your release.”

“Little pity,” Amras echoed softly.

Elrond turned to the voice and nodded, “but not none at all, I have come to you all with a proposition”

“All of us?” Celegorm said in surprise, he like the rest, assumed any bargaining would be for Nelyo alone. But the half-elf smiled and went to sit on a small shelf of rock. His grip on the lamp shook faintly as he placed it down.

He took a breath and said, “The Valar, Namo especially, have no desire to keep you in here until the world’s breaking. Some of you have been in these Halls longer than Morgoth himself and your crimes though terrible could not be counted as worse than his.”

Caranthir didn’t intend to laugh, but Celegorm chuckled beside him and he found he could not help himself.

“Even so,” Elrond stared at them both unimpressed, “There are many who would argue most of the great woes of the world came to being at Morgoth’s first release and the Valar would have you free to sow discord in Aman. If you were to return there would be conditions.”

Unease shivered through his fëa. Caranthir wasn’t sure he wanted to know of whatever deal Elrond teased out of the Valar. Return would be a curse while the Oath hung over them. Here at least it slept once they realised there could be no escape from the Halls. Better they languish here until Maglor deigned to joined them, and with him any chance of reclaiming the last of their own. And then to Darkness, whatever that entailed. Compared to rhe alternative it would be a relief.

Not that he didn’t appreciate the boy’s efforts. Misguided though they were he had no reason to go through the trouble. It was sweet really.

“You would be put under the responsibility of one of the Valar and under their service – ”

Never mind, he was a petty bastard. Caranthir almost respected him for it. He laughed again, harsh and deliberate. This had to be a joke.

“That’s no reprieve, it is another prison.” Curufin had no face with which to glare. The flickering mist the made him up seemed to pulse and condense in on itself.

“But we could be free of this place.” Amras muttered, wincing more out of habit than anything else as his twin gripped his shoulder.

“To what end?” Curufin hissed, “Are we to be thralls until the end of time?”

“The Valar agreed they would be poor judges of the length of such service. A small council was appointed to judge when it would be safe for you to be left free and unchecked. Olwë, Elwing and Nimloth. Idril also was asked but she said would trust in the wisdom of the three.”

“Then we should be slaves forever! Who would agree to such a bargain?!”

More was said, by most of them, with far less grace. Caranthir himself had no desire to be the lackey of any of the Powers. He was quite comfortable down here, awaiting their doom in his own dread and despair and he was more happy to explain that to the little upstart.

Elrond sat patient enough until their protests died down.

“I have spoken with my father,” he said, quietly softly now, his eyes landed on each of them, “He said if you would agree to these terms, he would return to you the last of the Silmarils for as long as it was necessary to release from your Oath.”

The silence that fell was black and cloying. Maedhros had told them he and Maglor had watched over the peredhel twins for a time. He’d said little more, only to get him off his case, the last time they had been visited by other. Given the extent the Oath had ravaged him by the time he arrived here, they all gathered that it would not have been a pleasant experience for any involved.

He studied the boy’s gentle expression. Did he know the power he held over them all in a single sentence? He must. He must know he could get them to agree to anything for the sake of that offer. It would be a fitting and complete vengeance for this prince of the Sindar to hold the fate of them all at his mercy. Except he couldn’t align such cunning with the person before him.

And for all the humiliation being at the beck and call of the Valar would be, given the truly limitless possibilities, it was a fairly tame punishment. Perhaps it would have to be for the Powers to agree to it.

“What of our father?” Celegorm said suddenly, his voice strangely void of its usual elegance, “and Maglor, we don’t even know where he is.”

“This offer is open to all of you, I can go no further into Mandos like this but Namo said he would speak to Feanor” Elrond sighed, “As for Maglor, he is found. He rests in my house.”

“Is he alright.” Maedhros asked in a tight voice.

“He is not,” Elrond replied and for some strange reason he seemed grieved, “He will not allow himself to be helped but has conceded to follow whichever fate you choose. I... it is not a choice to taken lightly, but please don’t tarry, for his sake.”

“We will do it,” Curufin spoke up. He paid no heed to the stared that stares leveled his way, instead he turned to Maedhros, “We have to don’t we? What use is there debating it?"

Maedhros sighed so deeply him might have dissipated himself into dust. But he nodded and all at once Caranthir’s grip on eternity pitched once again. He had half a mind to resist it. He did not have to agree to this deal that he had not hand in shaping or bargaining. There were too many loop holes that could be explored and exploited both ways. But a familiar heaviness gripped him and turned his tongue to lead. He could not risk Elrond recinding his offer by asking too many questions.

The smile on the half elf’s face was drenched with relief. If he didn’t know better Caranthir would have thought the lantern itself shone brighter at the news. He couldn’t fathom why. His head hurt, so little has happened for so long, for everything he knew to change once more! But to be free... Such hope was as sharp as a knife pericing the depths of his fea. He tore it out and shook his head. Free to do what?

[hook-line-and-sinker]

I love being into marine biology but in a way where i dont really know all that much about it. Like all the beaches within my reach (that are not full of people) are chucked full of rocks and want you dead. Too cold for (sun-)bathing, no spot to lie down, shit for surfing or sailing, the most generic wildlife of the entirety of europe.

But ill be running up and down the beach like Look! A shell <3 Look!! Another shell!!! Which one? Idk but u wont believe it! Another shell! I found a shiny rock! Theres a dead crab :DDD Holy SHIT a jelly fish in the water :O

Some of them have little aquariums showcasing local aquatic plants and animals and taxidermied birds and educating about the environment and if i can visit one my day is saved. I am in awe. Thats a fukin seagull right there! Theres Algae!

Like, Im so glad this is the obsession im cringefail at and so easily impressed by. And that beaches and oceans and seas are just a thing u can go to and noone can stop u. it makes my life in general just so much better.

[auckie]

waiting for the beta fish post to drop ill wait however long it takes idc 🦦

Okay. I’m ready. Nothing demotivates me more than losing progress on like. A game, or word document or whatever. A lost ask is like a grain of sand dropped into the ocean.

Anyways!

So betas are often sold in little cups, right? And the people at say, pet smart tell you, ‘yeah a bowl will do’. WRONG! While betas are somewhat low maintenance fish compared to many— a cheap but beautiful option that seemingly needs no filter or heater and very minimal space, it is now widely accepted that this is flat out untrue. Everyone knows males cannot be kept together, but even having just one fish I would highly recommend a ten gallon. May seem excessive but considering that betas do well in high tannin naturalistic setups, you’re going to want to fill this space with plants and hides. What’s more is if you don’t want to do a self filtering tank (which will still require moving water and regular changes/cleanings or refills), it is still generally recommended that you do invest in a filter and heater. I’ve seen some people go about this by using natural sunlight or heat lamps but 1) harder to regulate 2) risks overheating.

I used to keep fish. Betas and a warm fresh water 1 gallon with a few species together. I don’t anymore for a few reasons. Mostly the upkeep, and because for me personally. I just don’t like keeping fish. Any animal that’s bigger than your thumb, if it lives in a cage or tank and spends most of its time in there. This isn’t to say it’s wrong by any means, but like birds…I’ve just come to think ‘yeah we probably shouldn’t be keeping them outside of their natural habitat esp if they’re highly social or mobile creatures. Moreover with long life spans and high social/mating needs.’ Again! Not condemning the practice for others. It can certainly be done right! But it’s often a lot more time consuming and costly than people realize. Now if you’re willing to invest in what it takes to keep the animal comfortable by all means! Aquarium keeping can be super rewarding, and making naturalistic setups makes for beautiful and calming decor. It’s an amazing hobby. Even if you can’t keep something as simple as duckweed alive for whatever reason, artificial hardscapes with plastic plants and such can still look okay. And a ten gallon + tank vacuum + simple filter and heater really won’t cost you much! I highly recommend looking to YouTubers for tank inspiration, and tips!

If you do decide to go for a 3-5 gallon, or some nontraditional choice of habitats, like a large vase. Well I can’t stop you, and that doesn’t t mean your fish will die. It was a common myth not to long ago that fish couldn’t feel pain, and that their memory spans only lasted for 3 seconds. This is false, and luckily not as widely believed thankfully— but it’s a great example of how people will assume that non mammalian animals have simpler needs due to misunderstanding how their bodies operate, simply because of how different they are than say a cat or dog. Not accusing you of this by any means— you may very well be waaay more informed and aware of this than I am. But it’s a necessary disclaimer.

Other easy to keep fish include neon tetra, fantail guppies (but do not mix them with fish who will nip their tails), and the classic goldfish. another disclaimer about the latter: flushing goldfish thought to be dead, or simply tossing unwanted ones into local water ways has caused them to become a highly invasive species in many areas across North America. Do NOT do this. They’re outcompeting native species due to how fucking hardy they are, and growing to insane sizes. The lack of natural predators and peoples unwillingness to fish for them makes for a particularly nasty pest :/

These aforementioned fish save the goldfish will need the same basic things as a beta, but can be kept in mixed sexed groups, and tetras are often kept with great danio, mollies, and even tiger barbs (who are cute but can be a little aggressive for smaller beginner fish). All of these are available at big chain pet stores for very cheap.

If you’re hellbent on forgoing heaters and filters you could try triops (they don’t require much space but love to dig so have some specific substrate needs, and don’t live very long but can be multigenerational and sustained if done correctly. They’re also insanely cute and entertaining to watch), shrimp (so many different kinds!), snails, or even a mixture of these!

There’s also ecojars. Very cheap to make, and very educational! I love microfauna and follow a lot of YouTubers who’ve had great success making both aquatic and terrestrial ecojars from the local environments around them. If you live by the coast, brackish and saltwater jars are a lot harder, but freshwater ones are very simple! Terrestrial ones are basically just vivariums/terrariums you can even stock by going out to forage for things like snails, slugs, isopods, millipedes, etc. Clean up crew critters do well, but larger predatory insects are a bit harder to keep in an enclosed/self sustaining habitat. That brings us to our next options!

If I can sell you out of aquariums for an easier and possibly cheaper or equal price with a lot less upkeep! But. It involves insects so I’m going to put it under a cut in case that is not something you’re looking for. It’s long too, so feel free to ignore it. BUT! If I’m able to wet your whistle please feel free to ask for more info 🤠

Bugs! Well, arthropods. Such as: isopods (I have rubber duckies and they are doing exceptionally well eating nothing but leaves with the occasional fruit or veggie and calcium sources! They cohabitate with spring tails, harmless soil mites, and terrestrial amphipods. There are many much cheaper and hardier species that are easier to find such as dwarf whites, dairy cows, or even local wild caught ones! Another warning is to NOT dump these outside. And be careful foraging for things from outside for them to eat because you never know what’s been treated with pesticides or beneficial nematodes, or is infested with fungus, mold, or harmful pest species like parasites or mites).

Really all you need for any given species is a little container with a few air holes, substrate such as coco fiber, reptisoil, jungle mix, or your own backyard topsoil which ideally has been baked to sterilize. You can also bake pinecones and oak or magnolia leaves for them to feed on. Crush them up and mix them into the substrate, and add either crushed oyster shells or maybe bits of limestone or coral if you have them available. You can buy cuttlefish bone online as well. They love cork bark, but again, I’m sure if you find and bake bark or bits of drift wood, you can make that work too. They loooove to eat moss, and some species will readily gobble up fish food and bee pollen. Josh’s frogs (as well as other brands) make some specific powder blends that I feed mind. I think it’s called bug burger. The general practice is to create a ‘moist side’ and ‘dry side’ gradient so the isopods have a choice of where to go. They have gills but that doesn’t mean they want to always be drowning in 90% humidity. There’s a lot of beautiful exotic species but they get expensive fast, and are often fond of burrowing or hiding in sphagnum moss so you won’t always see them, and well. They’re usually tiny.

Millipedes are very similar— some are huge and beautiful, some even look like giant isopods (pill millipedes), but burrow, so…you won’t get the most visual bang for your buck.

A lot of people are very fond of finding and keeping jumping spiders. They’re cute to look at and fun to feed, but this requires buying feeders (crickets, meal worms, roaches, or fruit flies depending on size and what’s available near you), but that’s not always everyone’s speed. Plus they don’t live very long once they’re adult size and sexually mature. You can buy them as well but, I prefer to just enjoy them outside. Why take a solid guy out of his environment if he’s not gonna live much longer and is doing his part in ridding your yard of gross bitches? They do a NUMBER on mosquitos.

Beetles! Some species stay grubs for the majority of their lives and will be buried until they’re ready to go out and find love, so as much as I love larger species that are fun to interact with, I’m going to lean towards what I own: the blue feigning death beetle

Very silly little beasts. Very low maintenance! They live in American deserts and are covered by a powdery residue that helps them retain moisture. You can make a mix of sand and coco fiber and keep them in an open top tank (I keep mine in a huge fish bowl), and provide them with hides such as cholla wood or cork bark, rocks and even plastic decor. They will eat almost anything and get most of their moisture from their diet. I feed mine cut up fruits and veggies, the occasional roach, beetle jellies, bug burger, chicken feed, cat food (wet or dry), sugar water in little bottle caps with a sea sponge, moss, or cotton ball in them, fish flakes, freeze dried peas, bee pollen, and even like. Leftover bread or popcorn so long as it’s unseasoned. They can go a while without food or water too, so handle neglect well. But so long as you give them a ‘wet sweet food’ and protein at least once a week you should be Gucci. They’re diurnal afaik and will begin moving about when it’s light out. They don’t need heat lamps or anything of the sort.

They rarely bite and when they do it’s because you have food on your hand, and it doesn’t hurt. They can’t climb or fly, and play dead when threatened. Very cute to watch, and hold, and they’re constantly fucking. Sometimes a male will see another male trying to feel up a larger female, and will climb atop them both and start trying to have sex with the male. I’ve seen two males feeling up and trying to go at it with a rock. They’re so funny. But it’s very difficult to breed them in captivity. They live a while tho so hey, you got a while to research and experiment! Because of this, however, most available for purchase are wild caught. And I personally am not crazy about that.

Scorpions! There’s a good amount of largely harmless species that make for great pets! Asian forest and emperor are the first two that pop into my head. They glow under UV light, making them easy to find, and don’t have to eat super often. The one I own loves to run up to the side of its enclosure whenever I walk by, throwing its claws up to show me it means business. I’ve never been stung but I hear it’s like a bee sting. The two species listed are cheap and prefer it moist, and afaik don’t really sting once they’re mature. They prefer to use their claws to do the talking. Below is a random species under UV light:

And finally, the most visually pleasing, long living, and low maintenance yet entertaining things I own: tarantulas. Given that I work at a tarantula breeder and am incredibly biased feel free to ignore this next bit, but also hear me out. I’ve never been afraid of tarantulas, but used to be a bit wigged out by spiders as a kid. T’s, at least the new world species I own, are so. Much more stationary, slow, and just. Nonchalant than most true spiders I’ve kept. You will usually know if and when they’re about to strike.

Orb weavers have never done well for me, but I’ve had some luck with cobweb weavers (they don’t tend to remake their webs every fucking day which helps with setting up a habitat), but they just don’t live very long— and when something has such a short lifespan I feel guilty for keeping it from its primary goal of breeding. Tarantulas, however, can live for up to 20+ years. And you can make money breeding them! But a lot of discords or Facebook groups dedicated to this are. Like full of the most obnoxious people you’ve ever met. Males don’t live as long, they usually croak after sexually maturing and then molting again. If they’re lucky they might make it one more. And they don’t have a great chance when it comes to breeding and surviving. Depends on the breeder controlling the situation. I’ve read that the longest lived one on record was a female Goliath bird eater* clocking in at over 30 years old. That’s a fucking cat. Not all get huge either! There’s dwarf species, and many are arboreal meaning you’re likely to see it often!

The shop I work at, along with most tarantula breeders recommend a GBB as a first time spider. I fucking Do Not. They’re aggressive, cute as spiderlings but less cute as adults, gross (web and bolases and shit everywhere), kick urticating hairs* that drive me nuts. And they just suck.

I have two coworkers who follow me and will strongly disagree but I don’t care because I know I’m right on this one: my top beginner picks are the caribena (formerly avicularia) versicolor.

As slings they are bright blue and so fucking funny. They walk like a cat with mittens on and their urticating hairs are so fucking mild that you won’t even notice them. Their red mouths stick out like a shitty lipstick on their stupid blue bodies and they love to shake their butts before they jump, like a cat but way worse. They’re not terribly fast and their bite is nothing. It’s worthless. They’re…somewhat sensitive and do like to randomly die, but so long as you keep them in an arboreal enclosure with ventilation and a weekly misting? You’re golden baby. They eat well, are arboreal so you’ll always see them, and can be kept in fairly small enclosures for quite some time! Here’s what they look like as adults:

Still pretty! And not scarily massive.

I own an even more sensitive species: the Brazilian jewel tarantula. It’s a dwarf species but stupid expensive and makes a shitty trapdoor so you don’t see it often which is a shame bc they’re beautiful and so adorable. Similar mannerisms and levels of ‘this piece of shit can’t hurt me’. Ideally you won’t be handling them but, well, I can’t blame you if you do bc it’s fun. I don’t own any species that care hurt me bc why would I want to?

For some. More common first time reccs tho, I would probably say the Arizona blonde (very chill and fuzzy. Somewhat more itchy), the Brazilian black (a little less stunning but also pretty chill and fun to watch because they will completely rearrange the furniture of their habitat for no reason), the Chilean rose hair (read previous)— basically any grammastola or brachypelma species. Hamorii (Mexican red knees) look cool. Another controversial pick are cyriocosmus. They have golden hearts on their butts! They’re pricier though, and again, other t keepers act as if they’re hard. They’re not. Most new world species are simple if you just research them— my boss often will balk and laugh when she hears people are buying 1/2 inch slings and putting them in like, 5 gallon tanks. But it’s literally fine. They def don’t need that much space but if they burrow. Look for the hole. Give them enough substrate, keep it moist but not sopping. Ventilation is key. Some people use empty, clear take out bins or medicine vials to keep these things in, and that’s fine so long as there’s air holes. You can use a soldering iron or small drill, or even a pin to poke some into the container, depending on how hard it is. Even larger spiders have been kept in big empty jars and such. You feed them once a week unless they’re in premolt (they get fat and shiny or lose their hair on their asses and may make a molt mat of web, or a little enclosed webbing bubble, or bury themselves and won’t eat during this time which, depending on species, could be a while), or whenever they look skinny!

If they’re arboreal give them a vertical climb, be it a real plant or plastic, cork bark, even aquarium decor. So long as it’s not sharp because tarantulas are surprisingly delicate.

Feed them something the size of their ass give or take, and disable it using little, sharp feeding tongs (grab the head and drop it in near them, or hold it to them at a distance and if it’s moving they’ll usually strike). Some super tiny slings will even eat springtails. Larger, adult T’s can take multiple dubia or even big ass roaches like hissers. It’s kind of sad feeding them off but, the spiders gotta eat 🤷‍♂️ if you’re interested and have any questions on other species, or the ones I listed, lemme know!

Okay. And by far. The least wanted or liked recommendation I have. Are roaches 😔 there’s some beautiful species out there man. Hissers are super fucking docile, but prolific. They hiss when scared, but never bite. They don’t even eat each other in times of duress! They do have spiky leg bits which can scare some people off. But take a look at emerald roaches (which are. Expensive 😶), don’t they look like cool beetles? They’re arboreal! Then there’s the table mountain roach, which SQUEAKS when scared! The domino roach! I’ve posted pics of molting roaches many times— they’re soft and white and have huge, mantid like eyes. It’s very disarming and cute. They’re so much more intelligent than we give them credit for. The roaches I keep at work know when I’m about to feed them and they all clamor at the tops of their bins, and once the feed is in they all grab a bit and run off with it in their mouths like dogs! Many tropical, burrowing species are basically little cows, and many are amazing parents which is a rarity in the insect world!

Most of these fellers can do well in a plastic bin with a top, with ventilation of course. And the usual substrate, hides like cork bark and rocks and moss, misting, and similar feed to isopods and the beetles I mentioned. As for price and availability, well, you’re probably only going to be able to find hissers and dubia unless you have a niche store near you or are willing to have them shipped. And while I love both of them. They are gross. They’re R strategists to a T and will multiply to the point that they require sell offs or regular culling. Which, if you own species that eat them, it can be a win win! But they also are hard to keep clean. So I probably, actually do not recommend them 😞 the less prolific, more beautiful species are cleaner, but more expensive. But hey, I had to shoot my shot, right?

Okay. Well. Thank you for listening if you got this far. Good luck either way and thanks for being patient!

*Goliath bird eaters and any similar named bird eating tarantula do not. I mean they *can* eat birds yeah but that’s just a shocking name that stuck. Don’t let that scare you. But also that species sucks so it doesn’t matter

*pretty sure I put another asterisk in here but I can’t find it and don’t remember what it was for sorry. Shoot me an ask if it was like. Killing you ig

[pool-floatie]

Tall Tales: Part 4

Well here we go! I finally got through all the editing so it doesnt clash with the future story, which was a pain cause I changed a plot point but W H A T E V E R. So yea! Enjoy part 4 💖

Jace moved quickly, gathering materials, he really needed to eat, it was getting bad . . He was very glad to hear that those plants just needed to be boiled, that'll be quick and easy. But.. . .

Jaces stomach growled, his senses heightened for a moment, he could smell all the surrounding wildlife, hear the rustling leaves and scurrying mice,,

" ahh, shit.." jace mumbled

Screw it, he needed to eat...

Jace quickly sniffed out a herd of elk, he cornered a few of them and,, well, ill spare you the details.

Now satiated, Jace continued on his journey to the river, oblivious to the humans wherabouts.

Avril darted through the forest, well, darted as fast as someone who is bruised and hasnt eaten in 6 hours can 'dart' .

They didnt care about the direction, didnt care about other predators, just getting as fucking far as fucking possible from their fucking kidnapper.

And, being ever so distracted, they failed to see the-

*Snap! *

-Rope

Av's leg had been caught, leaving the rest of them dangling 5 feet above the ground

"Shit!" they exclaimed. They began to wiggle their foot and leg, trying to loosen the ropes grasp, but it was tied around their ankle and wouldnt loosen

-well no shit thats what its made for-

They huffed at the stupid sutuation and tried to pull themself up to reach the rope. "gah!" their abs gave out easily, the pain contributing to their failure.

Avril dangled for a moment, cursing at all this bullshit, -who the hell decided this would happen to them!?!? Fuck them !! -

Av let out a primal shout at nothing, continuing to try and wiggle out. They eventually gave up on trying to sit up to untie the damn thing. It was getting darker now, and Av realised they couldnt keep struggling, they were getting lightheaded, hungry, and the blood circulation to their foot was getting cut off. If they didnt get help they would be found by an animal and killed, found dead by whoever set this godforsaken trap, or . . . .

Av sighed and gritted their teeth

" fuck it."

"H E L P ! !"

"H E E E E E E E E L L L L P !"

Jace had been tracking the human since he had come back with water and found it gone, that was about an hour ago.

He sniffed the air again, a faint trail toward the offroad...

Jace knew there was a cabin in that direction, and he should probably just let the human go free, and spare himself getting caught, but....

Just a bit closer couldnt hurt ?

Jace moved through the thinning woods following the scent on the light wind. And then heard something-

Yes yep that was screaming, and it was definitely av, cause who the hell would be screaming that loud this late, unless-

Unless it was in trouble.

Jace could hear the distant cries become clearer as he neared the offroad cabin, he didnt care if he was seen or whatever the hell, he just didnt want the human hurt,, anymore than it already was...

Jace found the source of the shouting, The human had set off a rope trap

"Awwwh~ did you get yourself stuck after running?"

Realising this wasnt a *complete* emergency, He reverted right back to his condecending tone

Av started wiggling again, wincing as their ankle was now red and raw from rope burn

"Gah! Just leave me alone! Ah! Auuggh!" they shouted, they felt tears building behind their eyes, this was so goddamn humiliating!

"Oh are you sure~? I think i saw a puma around here the other day-"

"either of you would kill me! I-I dont even care just do it quickly! Stop fucking t-teasing me!"

Jace paused, it really thought he was going to kill it ?

"Oh, my, darling im not going to- /kill/ you-" jace trailed off

Av didnt care what he had to say, they tried again to reach for the rope, but the violent movement made it push more into their foot.

" aghhh! I - shit!-"

They cried out in anguish, breathing heavily as tears ran up their face

Jace took pity on the poor thing and worked silently to try and sever the rope, finding a frayed spot, he gave a tug.

*snap!*

Jace lowered Av into his palm. They scrambled to release their ankle.

Finally free, avril took a moment to try and catch their breath.

They looked around, seeing that they were right back here,

back in the giants palm,

hurt even more than before-

- Avril broke .

their breaths quickened into sobs, they hugged their knees,and wished to fall asleep and wake from this nightmare

[waterwheats]

Medicinal Info

Proper Tick Removal

cats should NOT use mouse bile when removing ticks as this not only doesnt work but can actually make the tick regurgitate into the wound it made, making infections possible.

instead, they should use a cleaned mouse or rat skull as tweezers to slide beneath the tick and dislodge it. skilled cats may use their claws.

|

Proper Seizure Writing

pinning a seizing cat (like the books tend to write) risks injury to both the cat experiencing the seizure and the restrainer.

instead of restraining affected cats, the nearby area should be cleared of dangerous objects and the cat should be given plenty of space. Once the seizure is over the cat needs space to breathe and should be helped to a quiet area to recuperate.

|

Herb List

so the original books actually use a lot of herbs/plants that are deadly to cats, so here's a list thats actually safe! just for realism sake :)

blackberry leaves — used in poultices for bee stings

blazing star — rare herb used for unknown diseases of early settlers

bright eye — mixed into poultices with chickweed to heal coughs

burdock root — the root is dug up, the soil is washed off, and then it is crushed into a pulp. soothes and heals rat bites especially if they are infected. can give cats a bellyache if they eat too much of it. numbs rat bite to the point a cat cannot feel the pain. also good for infected paws and other sores, including burns.

burnet — a traveling herb. the leaves are swallowed, used to give strength. good for expecting queens.

catchweed — the burrs stops poultices from being rubbed off without hurting the skin.

catmint/nip — perfect for fighting bad cases of whitecough and greencough. cats seem to love this one.

chervil — ground to extract the juice of the leaves for infected wounds or the root for bellyaches caused by nausea. however, it won't treat trapped wind. can also be used during kitting. they roots are more potent than the leaves.

chickweed — treats general sickness and can be used as a substitute for catmint in treatment of greencough.

cobwebs — sticky mesh to soak up and stop, or slow, the bleeding by pressing them over the wound. used to bind broken bones and to fasten poultices to fur.

dandelion — its leaves can be ground to help feverish cats sleep and reduce their fever, and to act like a painkiller. the roots can also be used to help cure the effects of meadow saffron poisoning.

fennel — stalks are broken and juice is squeezed into the receiver's mouth. helps pain in the joints.

goldenrod — ground into a poultice. good for healing and cleaning wounds.

heather — flowers mixed in herbal mixtures. the nectar makes swallowing easier and sweetens mixtures. heather blossoms are used to treat aching joints.

honey — eaten or given by moss soaked in it. soothes infections. a great remedy for smoke-damaged or sore throats, coughing, helping cats swallow other concoctions, and gives energy. draws poison from wounds, such as bee stings. good for binding poultices together. must be wrapped tightly with leaves to prevent it from spilling.

lamb's ear — gives a cat strength.

mallow — roots and leaves are collected. soothes bellyache and an option for treating coughs when tansy is limited.

marigold — petals, leaves, or stems ground in a poultice. juice can be used as well. stops infection and bleeding for minor wounds. used for inflammation of stiff joints.

moss — used for bedding for sick cats. used to soak up fluid such as honey or water for ill cats. soaked moss can be used to apply pressure to stop bleeding.

parsley — stops a queen from producing milk if her kits die, she doesn’t need milk anymore, or she is producing too much milk. also used to cure bellyache.

raspberry leaves — could possibly ease pain or stop bleeding during kitting.

rosemary — put on the pelt of a dead cat to prepare for burial. hides the scent of death.

sticks — used to straighten broken limbs to heal. recommended for queens giving birth by distracting them from pain. can be used to carry moss soaked with honey.

thyme — leaves can be chewed on to calming anxiety and cats who are in shock. can also calm cats who breathe their scent in. a stronger variant from twopawplace treats coughs, colds, and indigestion.

watermint — is is usually chewed into a pulp, and then eaten to help with bellyaches. can help with bellyaches caused by trapped wind, but not from nausea. can be rubbed on a body to hide the scent of death, but thats typically reserved for rosemary.

[georgette-mademoiselle]

Georgette and aizetsu part 1

based on the canon that georgette first clone to get along with was aizetsu and still hadnt bonded with sekido as she does now.

The rain

The rain poured throughout the household the garden of roses absorbing its life source thanks to mother nature. Georgette watched through the window sighing as she leaned in to watch. Today had been lonely for her everyone else was in there rooms bored while letting the storm pass meanwhile bieng alone in her room for to long only lingered in somberness and isolation though the more she watched the roses and how alive they must have felt in this stormy weather she thought to herself why not bask in mother natures tears to feel alive as the flowers itself? And so she did just that.

She walked out barefooted in the wet soil the smell of petrichor immediately soothed her malady a bit. She walked foward raindrops trickling down her skin and dress her hair crimson as a trail of blood as the water dropped down her tips. Closing her eyes she took a deep breathe and raised her arms shutting her mind of from the background noises and only meditating in the sound of nature.

"i am alive...im alive...i am still here" these words echoed through her mind until suddenly a hand placed on her shoulder turning it was aizetsu with a calm look in his face.

" its one of those days for you i see..." Georgette knew what he ment and nodded "rainy days like these make me feel sad when im only watching on the inside...

But when im outside, its as if it brings my life together and the sadness goes away..."

Aizetsu absorbed her words and he couldn't agree more with that " its true that the weather can change ones mood thou for me it does the opposite...*lifts a hand letting the rain hit on his palm* it makes me feel peace within myself..."

She smiles " looks like we both have something in common in appreciating natures tears" he looks at her " when i think about it more, how sad it is that mother nature crys for us to shed her compassion to us...

Even to us demons..." Georgette loved to listen to his ramblings of anything that intrested him it was rather eandering to see such demon be vulnerable and empathetic at the same time " she crys even to those who have been converted like us perhaps she wished our lives would have been different but alas whats done is done..."

He looks down "would you have wished your life to turn out differently than it is now?"

She didnt say anything at first but the more she thought about it she answered " demonhood has been hell... especially with the kind that converted me, despite that...perhaps i am satisfied with this lifestyle compared to the one prior...so no i think i wouldnt want it any different."

He looked curious " if i may ask...whos your master? Because from the way you talk about him he isnt like the one where with.."

Oh dear should she even talk about him? Perhaps its best not to talk about to much of him yet "lets just say he isnt a demon influenced by the blue spider lily plant more so...he was once something humans would find comfort until he no longer wasnt..."

"oh? Well he certainly sounds fascinating...how sad that he is no longer something humans would appreciate anymore..."

She looks down with a face a little more depressed than earlier in her room " indeed...perhaps one day maybe ill talk about him more but for now" raises her arms to the sky yet again inhaling the wet earth. "Lets just enjoy this moment together before its finally put to an end dont you think so morning dew?"

Aizetsu blinked in confusion "morning dew? Are you talking about me?" Georgette giggles and nods "yes indeed, your a morning dew as you are saddness so when you shed a tear you resemble a morning dew once your tears stops it means the old is dead and now a new comes in your life you will have something positive come into your life now aizetsu...maybe not now but soon it will.." *holding both his hands*

He blushed from her words and actions he couldnt believe she just complimented him in such a way no one had done before " o-oh.." he pulls back turning way as he scratched his head.

"your to cute..."

"perhaps one day ill be able to bond with the others soon though i have my doubts on the angry one..."

Aizetsu speaks as his bashfulness fades away " sekido? Hes difficult for sure...but i promise you that hes more than a serious leader looking after us..."

More than just a serious leader? " You mean theres a side i have yet to see then? Oh dear i hope someday ill be able to see that instead of annoying him that hell blast me!"

Aizetsu couldn't help but chuckle in that last comment " how sad to think perhaps he will...maybe talk to him when hes alone or when his mood isnt as bad i cant promise you that hell want to bond but it dosent hurt to try you know?"

Its true, if she just sulks in fear avoiding him she will get knowhere with him infact for all she knows showing such weakness only irritates him more

"as scary as that is your right i need to try harder than just hide. I-ill do it! Tomarrow though...i need this rain for good luck now"

And so georgette stood there know poured entirely that she was soaking "alright then but may i recommend using a towel before you get in? I wouldn't want you to cry when sekido yells at you for leaving mudprints...."

She opened one eye "true...fetch me one please!" Aizetsu nodded and went inside before he to stood with her for another hour until the rain finally stopped and went inside.

Dividers by @/elryisia

Part 2 in the rain with sekido this time

[ominouspositivity-or-else]

midwestern gothic

It's snowing again. It snowed yesterday. It snowed the day before. It's supposed to snow tomorrow. The weather man's hair is gray. He says that it has always been February. You must have counted the days wrong. Your calendar says it's June.

The basement of the Catholic church has a Stephen King book on the lending shelf. It's a beaten up copy, and some old church lady has gone through and blacked out parts in thick sharpie. There are pages with only one word visible. The pages are yellow. The name in the cover is accompanied with a funeral card. "Rest in peace" it reads. You do not think that someone who took Stephen King's most offensive scenes to the grave with her will be able to rest peacefully.

The basement of the Lutheran church smells like coffee. "It smells like coffee," your uncle says, "Church basement coffee." "I know," you say, because you're in the church basement. "It smells like death." He smiles at you, and raises his styrofoam cup towards you. The coffee smells stronger on his breath.

Jerry's is never open past ten on the weekends. One time, driving past at midnight on Saturday, the windows were full of light. There were no cars in the parking lot. You are struck with the memory of all the taxidermied animals on the walls.

"That's how we made it in the great depression," you say, when your friend asks why you made such a brown looking food. "We're not in the great depression now," they answer, as though they can't see the eyes of your dead great grandmother in the window, looking at you with a friendly and menacing look, "Why do you make it like that?"

The sun is hot. The sun is burning. Your skin is cooking, your flesh is sizzling. You were not made for these temperatures. The world took too long in training you to survive the cold. It never taught you how to brave the heat. You set foot on the sand. You feel your skin begin to melt. You run.

The last berry is sitting in the bowl. No one will touch it. No one will look at it. It is invisible to every eye. Your littlest sister reaches for it. You slap her hand like she's reaching for a hot coal. That berry does not exist. No one will touch it. No one will look at it. It is invisible.

You're sitting on the boat in the sunshine. The water laps lazily against the side. You look down into the water, and you see a shark. You pull back, staring up at the clear blue sky. You look down towards the water again. There are no teeth. The shark is gone. It's a freshwater lake.

There are twinkies in the glove box of your car. There is a shovel in the trunk. There is an ice scraper in the pocket of the door. There is a pair of thick, warm mittens in your bag. They have been there since winter. It's October.

Your grandfather is telling you about the fish he caught in his ice house. No one was around to see it, and he threw it back. It sounds like the shark you saw last summer. Everyone laughs. You do too.

You go out to visit the ice house. The sun is starting to set. You'll have to drive back in your grandfather's truck. It's been on the ice all day. You open the door, and the black and white fish-camera screen shows you the relics of frozen plants, and a northern swims right by the camera. It's tail swooshes. It has an almost human look in its eye. You think it knows who you are. It probably wants to eat you.

Hockey is on in the background. Your grandmother is drinking a beer. She's talking about her parents. They have been dead for 20 years. She's cursing about them. She shouldn't speak ill of the dead. No one tells her to stop. You don't want to listen. You sit there. The only alternative is to watch the hockey game.

There are forty-five dear in your front yard. They see you. Their glowing eyes blink in the darkness. They stare. You shake your fist at them through the glass of your window. Their eyes glow red. Something horrifying lives within them. You don't want to know what it is. There are forty five deer. They continue to eat your flower garden.

You do not smile for three days. You make seven people cry uncontrollably in front of you. The other three you interact with call you names behind your back. Your parents give you a talking to about your attitude. The lady at church tells you, "Some of us have been thinking about how we need to maintain a really welcoming and upbeat attitude for newcomers to our parish! Being rude and impolite really won't attract anyone to our parish, and I have seen some people just be generally downhearted when they come to church. It's an issue. I think I'll go bring it up with the pastor. He'll get it out to everyone." You plaster a smile on your face. No one says anything. You're supposed to be polite.

It takes you seven hours to get to your grandma's house. There are no hills for the entire drive. In the winter, the stretch of highway is the only thing that keeps you sane. People went mad on prairies like this, your mom says, to a car full of quiet people. Nothing but the sky and the grass and the wind and their one-room houses. You believe her. You can see the images of buildings on the horizon, always the same distance away.

There is a cemetery in the center of a farmer's field. A church used to be there, someone once said to you. They tore it down, but kept the cemetery. You wonder why they have respect for creation but not the creator. You wonder what made them tear the church down. You wonder if anyone visits. You drive past that lonely cemetery at night. You think you see someone staring at you from behind the chicken-wire fence. You look away.

There is a sign on the side of the highway, written in ominous letters. It comes into focus as you drive by. Best place to buy knitting supplies in the whole state! You don't believe them. You see the sign five more times. Then they get worse. Come to our store. We need you at our store. We know who you are. We have yarn for you. We know where you live. Each one gets more threatening. Stop at our store. The last one reads, and so you pull over at the correct intersection. You buy five bags of yarn. The lady behind the desk is smiling. You smile back. You cannot feel your lips.

All the kids at school hate you. You'll never tell them. They cannot know.

The Kwik Trip has a nasty bathroom. Theirs are usually so clean. You feel sick. You walk out and tell your mom you need to go to the identical gas station across the street. Her eyes flash. She buys her soda, and you drive across the road. The gas station is identical in every way. The displays are the same. The candy is in the exact same spots. They have the same magazines. The man working at the desk is the exact same one. This bathroom is clean, though. You buy another soda and leave. The bell rings to announce your departure.

The city is different now. The lights are too bright. The smell hangs low. The crime is higher. You don't feel safe walking outside at night. You think about the wolves that used to live here. You hope they haunt the streets. They deserve to.

Someone shot up the big city Walmart yesterday. They're closing down. You hear a disappointed church lady tell her friend that she doesn't know where to get her radium, anymore. All the good places are going out of business. "It's those stupid kids," she says, "And all the theft. I wish I lived in Kewaunee." You are too caught up on the "radium" thing to question the name of that town.

Your boss is angry. You can feel it in the air. It vibrates around you like a jelly, stifling and crushing you, pushing your lungs into your chest. She smiles at you as you clock out. "You're fired" she says, her eyes trying to commit a crime. Her lips do not move as she speaks. They are frozen in her "customer service" smile.

You dump things into a pot. You do not read the labels. Everything sounds the same. Everything tastes the same. You have not touched your spice rack in three years. You have not ever smelled cardamom in your life. You do not know what chili is supposed to taste like. It's all the same. Everything is the same. It all tastes like hotdish. You eat it like it's the last food on earth and you're starving.