#ill scan it when the whole thing is done u-u

[low-poly-poni]

My hAND SLIPPED-

Mmmmmmmiguessimgonnafillthewholepageokaybye.

feat. my dirty ass keyboard

[vanweezer]

wip

update on that stone sour zine i posted about 5ever ago. ive made progress on the pages since then but this one im really proud of. when the whole book is done & scanned ill hopefully be able to post a gif of me using this page as intended (the pieces behind the "glass" move when u shake the book) but i want everything to DRY. AND SET. before i fucking touch anything because the idea of having to remake anything seeeeeriously bums me out. also i shouldve painted the curtains (shirt fabric wrapped around 2 bobby pins. lord) before i sewed em but i only had the idea for the stars (leave me alone) after i finished the first half of all this yesterday. also you can hardly see the horrible little stars i put behind the hour glass and stuff. anyway would yall believe me if i told you cw(e)m is the only stone sour album ive listened to start to finish. autism is a crazy crazy thing

[morizoras-cave]

Big Smile (Request)

Tom Hiddleston x Teen!Co-star!Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff

Request Description: maybe some Tom Hiddleston who is close to reader cause hes like her mentor and shes a very happy person, goofy and silly as well but nothing can make her cry. Like, it's genuinely hard to make her cry so maybe him seeing her cry for the first time? and it's pretty bad? maybe its cause she goes to a normal high school along with a catch up high school (basically a school where u go to if youre SERIOUSLY behind) and the pressure is way too much for her to handle and her emotions exploded? ty!!

Warnings: depression, anxiety about school, stress

(A/N): im very excited to be going on vacation!! dont worry ill still update, im just going to another city nothing too big (of course with the ‘rona still out here). I wrote like half of this on my phone btw so if anything looks weird that’s why

“Why would you say it like that?” you laughed loudly, falling back on your bed. Tom giggled too, watching as you got into a laughing fit.

“I’m just demonstrating that you can say each line differently!” he defended, but your laughter didn’t falter. Tom smiled and shook his head, waiting for you to be done. “Can you hurry that up, we have a couple more lines to go through,” he joked.

You held your stomach and shook your head. Finally, the laughter died down and you tried desperately not to start it again, as Tom continued helping you with the script. You forced your mouth into a frown, but that only reinforced your need to laugh. 

Tom looked and saw your expression and sighed, making you laugh again. 

“This is impossible,” he muttered, but he was smiling. He thought you were so incredibly sweet and bright, although lacking a little seriousness. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” you finally stopped laughing AGAIN, “we’re done. Those were all the lines I had questions about.”

“You sure?” 

“Yeah,” you said and both of you stood up. Tom grabbed his jacket and his bag from the counter of your hotel room. He smiled at you and hugged you as a farewell. 

“See you on set tomorrow,” and then he was out of your room. You smiled softly thinking about how much fun you two had, but the sweet moment was over far too fast. 

You had school. You’d never been a top student or anything, but before this whole movie-thing you’d been able to keep up. A couple of weeks ago you started Catch-Up-High-School, which you’d been required to start, since you grades had all dropped. 

And since then you’d felt awful. You felt so stupid and useless. And on top of that, you were stressed. With both regular high school teachings and catch up school, you seemed to spend every waking moment working, either on the movie or on school, and you’d only sleep once you were done. Which could take a while. 

It was getting to you. You were phenomenal at hiding it, truthfully. Because your personality was too bright and blinding for anyone to see anything behind it. 

You weren’t one to cry, but you felt it behind your eyes, constantly. All day, when you remembered your school situation, it started coming. You never cried, not when watching movies or reading books, you didn’t even really cry when you were sad. The stress was simply getting to you. 

You pulled out both your math books, both regular high school and catch up high school, which you had neatly tucked away when Tom came, and started doing your assignments for the day. 

Your head hurt, as you did it, and it was so hard for you to understand. You wished you could ask Tom for help, but you couldn’t tell him. It was simply too embarrassing. ‘Hey Tom, I’m too stupid for regular school, please help?’ What would he even think of you?

You hadn’t even done your assignments for long, when you started crying. You were just writing the answer to a question, when a tear slid down your face. You wiped it away as quick as it came and continued. 

But so did your tears. You cried silently as you worked, ignoring them, eventually not even wiping them away. You were just trying to get through it, chewing through your lip. 

Just as you failed to figure an assignment out, your pencil broke on the paper, and you threw it away from your, putting your head in your hands. Then you sobbed, and you weren’t trying to ignore it, you were doing it. You were sitting there, and all of your focus was on the seemingly never ending stream of tears from your eyes. 

God, what kind of person are you if you can’t even do your catch up school work? You felt so unbelievably heavy, heart wrenching and tingling. 

Meanwhile Tom had hauled down a cab, making it about a third of the way to his meeting, when he realized he’d left his phone at your place. He sighed and asked the driver to drive back to your hotel, knowing he’d need it.

Tom drove back there, and then stepped out of the cab, telling the driver to wait for him. He entered and pulled out his keycard. Your room had had two keycards and you’d given him your second one, which had made his heart melt. 

He walked down the corridor, reading the room numbers, and then reached your door. He grabbed the handle and scanned the keycard, effectively cracking open the door.

And there you were. Tom blinked rapidly, refusing to believe that that was you, so immersed in your own crying that you hadn’t heard him come in. That couldn’t be you, not the smiling, laughing, happy Y/n he knew. You were sitting there so dark and alone, hugging your legs and wailing. 

You never cried. Never. It had gotten to the point where him and his coworkers had discussed it, whether you were some robot or something. But you were crying. You were alone. 

“Y/n?”

His voice made you flinch and you didn’t have to look at him, to know you’d exposed yourself. You, although knowing it was useless, wiped your tears, before raising your head.

Tom was heartbroken. He’d never thought about how he’d actually feel once he finally did see you cry. But it was such a gut wrenching image, something he could feel in both his stomach and heart and throat.

“What’s going on?” He asked. You shook your head. He simply stepped inside and saw your regular high school math book, immediately knowing you were probably stressed. “Do you need help with your homework?”

You laughed bitterly, another tear sliding down your cheek. Tom walked to you, sitting down next to you, so he could wipe away the tear.

“What’s wrong? Come on, talk to me.. What happened?” He searches your eyes.

“I’m just stressed, Tom, it’s stupid,” you avoided his gaze. Tom knew it wasn’t stupid. If it was you wouldn’t be balling your eyes out.

“So, let me help you with it,” He heard how his voice was shaking.

“Tom, no.”

“Yes-“

“No!”

Silence. Tom pulled away from you. He was simply shocked. You weren’t you. He closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, voice breaking, as you started crying again. When you yelled at Tom, you felt your heart withering. What a horrible feeling.

“I’m sorry for yelling. It’s just- I feel so useless. All the time. I’m failing school! I mean, for God’s sake, I have mandatory catch-up-school. Do you know how embarrassing that is? God, how can I be so stupid?”

Tom finally understood why you were crying. Why you were so stressed, why you were crying like that.

It was tough.

“You’re not stupid, Y/n,” you immediately shook your head at his attempt to console you, “You’re not! I’m serious. You’re smarts come from your understanding of people, and your talents in acting and everything you love. Not from your schoolwork. Your grades are not your worth. You’re the smartest kid I’ve ever met! I mean it.”

Your crying turned to sniffles and you finally nodded. You agreed. You hadn’t felt so sure of yourself in a long time. A small smile found your lips.

“Thank you, Tom, I-I really needed that.”

“Oh, of course, N/n,” he mumbled and pulled you into a hug, burying your head in his chest. You wrapped your arms around him.

“Now my offer still stands. Do you want my help doing the homework?” This time you nodded, and the two of you spent the rest of the day doing all of your homework.

When you were finished, you apologised profusely, but Tom just smiled and said he’d do it any day. Every day onward while you were working on that movie, he’d ask you after shooting if you needed any help, and always insisted it was his pleasure. With Tom around, you never had to feel useless again.

[pachimation]

hiya, I really love your art, and how you make your latest stuff look really vintage and aged, it’s really super cool and I was wondering if you’d be willing to share your process for that?? thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day!!! :D

aww thanks so much! and of course i can share my process, no prob!! ^^

i’ll be using this piece as an example, and uh, for the context of it u might have to look on twitter lol. but whatever

it’ll be a bit long so everything is under the cut

(this is just based on my process, and i know its weird and csp specific.

feel free to pick and choose pieces from my process!)

and also the programs i used were procreate and csp and i have a mac. u could probably do this with other set ups, but this tutorial might not be super helpful near the end

i usually make my lineart in procreate and import it into csp as a .psd file

for this, in procreate, select the file you want to export and click PSD and then I airdrop it to my mac.

i think the only thing about the lineart i have tips on is to keep it toothy/gritty if that makes sense?

i use the 6B pencil in procreate with a bunch of tweaks to the pressure sensitivity and opacity/size change.

but anything with a good size jitter should do the job!

in csp i shade and color the piece.

picking out the colors is a whole other mess

feel free to ask about it but ill skip for now ;v;

flat colors

csp has a lot of nice halftone options!

group up ur lineart and everything thats black rn in a folder and above them set a clipping layer to add

fill it with a color lighter than black; the less pure blacks and white u have on a piece the better

feel free to go to town w the grunge or noise texture of ur choosing! the grittier the better bc during this step i try to get the feel of worn off ink. just make sure the linearts still visible, though. u went through all the trouble to make it after all! ^^

(i have specific brushes but again thats something else u can ask me about)

above all the layers, make a multiply layer and do something similar.

same advice as above

this is ur “paper” texture, tho, so try to keep it more even in tone so things don’t get too messy

(but if it works for u, feel free to do it! find what works is my advice!)

ok time for some super csp-specific steps (sorry to non-csp users)

the csp asset store/website(?) has a lot of nice textures and brushes available.

look through it if u haven't

it will make ur life so much easier

theres a really nice tileable watercolor texture set there

(this one specifically)

(it also had some really good paper texture bc whoever made this is a godsend)

i slap that over the color layer, set it to clipping, and mess with the blending modes

its usually a tossup between soft light, overlay, multiply, and the overlay texture effect tho

theres another optional step of using the overlay texture effect on a paper texture

i didn’t do it on this example sorry :’(

i think i used another watercolor texture set to soft light on this piece?

after that, if u want, i like setting a noise texture at a v low opacity over everything for extra jitter

(i use this one. u can just make it in csp and probably any other drawing software but im lazy lmao)

save it as a png/jpg/etc.

and ur done!

i do some extra stuff to the final image like scale everything down and add a bit of a 3D effect for a bit of extra kick

(but again thats a bit complex and specific so feel free to ask but ill keep it short

for your sanity’s sake)

(and once again, the final image! ta-da!)

some tips to keep in mind i guess

jitter, grit and noise textures are very good things when u want something to look rough

avoid pure blacks and whites; most paper isn’t printed pure black or white and it only gets more faded and colored with time

if ur super lost, look at reference!! theres a lot of good artists and media out there to get inspiration from, and looking at scans of actual old comics is a nice way to see if ur work looks aged

(also u don’t have to use old comics as reference; i like looking at old vcr footage for reference bc of the texture!! :D)

that’s all i have for my general process

uhh for specifics feel free to ask

i can make more tutorials but this one is a general overview, i just didn’t to take up too much of ur time….

but i really hope it helped! and im very sorry if it didn’t 

i’ve never made a tutorial so im sorry if it didn’t answer ur question and also im sorry if this one’s not very useful

thank you for reading!!!

and thank you to whoever asked! :D

[prorevenge]

Horrible teacher fails to do his job ... so we got him fired

Quick note the majority of this took place when I was around 16. Also this is a looooong story, just a fair warning.

When I was in secondary school I had a teacher (Mr Geller for the sake of this post) who absolutely hated me. He was pretty popular with the "cool" kids at school. He'd stop teaching to talk to them, joke around and generally act like one of the kids in the class rather than the teacher. Which is fine, I guess, apart from the fact that he was so busy joking around with the popular kids that he'd fail to actually teach his class properly and our work would suffer because of it. over half his class failed their exams and the other half (bar a handful of students who were really good at the subject) managed to just barely pass after going to a bunch of tutoring classes in the weeks running up to the exam. I genuinely don't know how he managed to keep his job for so long.

I had (and still somewhat have) some pretty severe anxiety issues to the point where I'd sometimes not go to school due to the panic attacks. I was never bullied by any of the students but just the thought of being surrounded by a bunch of loud, hyperactive students was enough to make me physically ill. As a result of this I would often be allowed to work in one of the "pupil support bases". Essentially a small room that I could work in by myself and would receive support from one of the learning support teachers if needed. This also allowed me to leave a class (with permission from the teacher of course) if I was having a particularly bad day and go to the base to calm down and complete my work. Mr Geller was not a fan of this.

Whenever I would ask him if I could go to the learning support base he'd always tell me no and then mock me in front of everyone about how this was the reason I was failing his class, I was just barely scraping passing his class. However, most of his class were in the same boat as me and, again like me, the majority of them were doing pretty well in their other subjects. This was clearly down to his teaching ability, nothing else.

My boyfriend, Alex, and a handful of other seniors would be in my class once or twice a week and would often help explain things to myself and some other students if we were struggling. Essentially doing Mr Geller's job. This wasn't fair as they had to neglect some of their own work to act like a teacher. Mr Geller would again use this to mock me in front of the class, saying things along the lines of "now you boys make sure you keep your hands to yourselves" or "we can continue with the lesson when the lovebirds decide to stop their flirting and pay attention". I know it seems trivial now but at the time it was humiliating as he never called anyone out other than me and having the whole class essentially point and laugh at me and Alex (though they probably didn't mean any harm) was enough to make my anxiety skyrocket.

I dealt with his behaviour for months. The snide comments, mocking me in front of everyone, standing behind me when I was trying to work and scoffing about how awful my work was, stopping in the middle of a lesson to lecture me if I wasn't taking enough notes for his liking, I dealt with it all. My mental health was a wreck.

The thing that finally broke me and made me decide to finally do something about it was when he failed me in one of my tests because I apparently cheated off Alex, who might I add was doing an advanced higher class, not the National 5 course we were doing. He was on a completely different topic from me so there was no way I could cheat by looking at his page and he was sitting five tables away from me. I physically couldn't cheat off him if I wanted to.

At this point I was pissed. An emotional wreck, yes, but pissed. Alex and I decided to get back at this disgrace of a teacher.

Now, for the revenge.

I wasn't entirely sure how to go about this at first. Alex suggested reporting him to the head teacher but if that happened then everyone would know it was me. I didn't want to be the one that reported a popular teacher. Kids can be cruel.

So Alex and I, and a couple of Alex's friends, came up with a plan. Alex and his friends were not pleased with having to do a bunch of extra work to keep on top of their work as they were to busy being ignored by Mr Geller and teaching his class for him. Plus they were leaving at the end of the year so if it fell back on them, then there really wasn't a whole lot anyone could do about it.

Alex and his friends started recording all of their lessons on their phones. Mr Geller joking around with his favourite students instead of teaching, telling Alex and his friends to help each other when they needed something explained to them, and having them essentially taking the place of teacher in his class. They also managed to record a couple of instances where Mr Geller accused me of "attention seeking" when I asked to go to the student support base (after finishing all of the work he'd set in that class).

This went on for weeks. We all met up and sorted through the recordings, made sure that we'd collected enough evidence. It was a long, gruelling few weeks but we managed, we'd been dealing with it for months anyways, we could last a few more weeks. One of Alex's friends suggested that I try and do my work elsewhere as much as possible, so that I couldn't be blamed for the recordings. So I did. There was a few raised eyebrows but I was still getting my work for the class done (I had to do extra work at home to keep on top of it but I had to do that anyways).

Whilst I had some time to myself both in the base and at home, I essentially stalked Mr Geller's social media. It wasn't too hard to find. I couldn't find a whole lot on his social media. The only thing worth noting was his friends list. He had all his favourite students on his social media. I couldn't find a whole lot of stuff that he'd been tagged in or anything though I did scan through the students profiles and found that he'd commented on a lot of their posts. Most of it was harmless banter but there was a few comment thread that I found he was talking crap about some other students. He made fun of a boy whose mother was a recovering alcoholic, a girl with dyslexia and a girl who had reported a couple of the popular kids for bullying her (this is just to name a few). I was in the list of students he liked to make fun of when he thought no one would notice. It did a number on my anxiety seeing my classmates and teacher saying these things but I pushed through and read them all. I decided to screenshot whatever I could find and sent it to Alex. I also took the screenshots of all the disgusting things he was saying about the other students and emailed them to their parents (or whatever parents I could get the email addresses of). Needless to say they were not happy.

After we'd gathered enough evidence, we sent an email to the head teacher with everything attached. We never got all the details on what happened to Mr Geller but we do know that the head teacher got some higher ups involved. We're still not 100% sure if he decided to resign or if he was fired, all we know is that after the summer holidays, we had a new teacher. And surprise, surprise, she actually knew how to teach a class.

I heard through a friend that Mr Geller managed to get a job at another school a couple hours away but that job didn't last very long, he either quit or was fired. He hasn't worked as a teacher since. According to his Facebook profile, he no longer has a wife. Rumour is that his marriage fell apart after he lost his job though I'm not sure how true that is. Hopefully he's a better person now (I highly doubt it though).

So that's my story of revenge. I'm not sure if it counts as pro revenge but my friend suggested I post it here so I'm just doing what she says. Hope you guys are having a good day and staying safe. Bye :)

TLDR - Teacher would mock me in front of class, make the seniors essentially do his job while he joked around with his favourite students and spoke shit about kids he didn't like online. We recorded him being a shitty teacher and took screenshots of the crappy things he wrote online. Which led to him either quitting or being fired. No longer a teacher.

(source) story by (/u/colossal_screwup)

[normal-thoughts-official]

What do you think about std and Downworld? Do your think they can be cured with magic? Maybe AIDS is not a thing within them. Do you think there's diseases attached to magic?

!!!! ok so GREAT question. ugh i love y'all's lore questions so much

i think that anything can be cured with magic, as long as you know how to cure it. like with a wound, you just need to nyoom the body's healing process (and put anything that's in the wrong place back where it belongs so you don't have a weird bone or whatever). bam, done. easy peasy

so yeah they can be cured with magic but i think you gotta know how to do that. like with the AIDS crisis, i think there was nothing they could do listen i like my angsty hcs ok because they didn't know WHAT it was or HOW it was happening. like it took some time (a few years?) before they figured out that the disease was caused by a virus and that it was an STD and shit. they can use magic to like, do their research, but they gotta know WHAT to do and look for, i don't think it simply works like "ok magic cure this"

so yeah i picture some rough years for cat especially during the HIV crisis because she just... didn't know what to do. i bet magnus helped too, especially with research, cuz they can canonically scan the body with magic and whatnot and figure out what's wrong, but if it just says "immune system no worky" they have to figure out why. and once they figured it was a virus i doubt they could just like, portal the virus somewhere else ya feel douahdsao they had to figure out a way to kill it while keeping the host's body well, which we still haven't, altho now that we do have medication that manages the symptons and leaves the person well they can probably use magic to do pretty much what the medication does, except it's autoset so u don't have to take pills every day and all that. unless the downworld already has figured out a cure we just don't know about because they can't exactly publish their findings doiajdsoja

i don't think warlocks, seelies, or vampires can be HIV-positive because of the whole immortality thing, ya know. like what a virus is gonna destroy their super regenerating cells? please. also their DNA is probably different so who knows if viruses even CAN work with however their body works. or maybe they just have the virus but nothing happens. if i'm not mistaken that happens to some ppl, it's just inactive

but werewolves probably do, especially cuz usually viruses can be transmitted (to some degree) between different animals, which is how you get the swine flu and shit (i've read somewhere that that's one of the reasons that so many native ppl died of diseases in the americas, cuz they didn't have as many viruses cuz most ppls didn't have stock unlike in europe, but don't quote me on that cuz i don't have the source lmao). also if they are already HIV-positive when they are Turned for instance it probably stays. and jury's still out on shadowhunters? they are fucking lame and their body is basically a human body, just sped up by angel smoothie so maybe. lmao

and yeah i definitely think there can be diseases associated with magic! with the way they talk about it magic is implied to be a part of a person's body, so it probably can be afflicted by illnesses or carry infections or disabilities. or like diseases that attack magic? that's probably a thing. not too common cuz what kinda weird organism but like, it might happen sometimes. and thinking about magic-disabled warlocks is pretty interesting, like magic that works in completely different ways or that doesn't do certain things. it was implied that magic was a sense in some kind of way, since magnus said that the way he perceived the world was related to his magic, so like... visual impairments but with magic? and whole subcultures of disabled warlocks and their own ways of languages and of doing magic and their own accessibility devices and stuff..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that's so great to think about but i can't think of anything specific rn, hit me with ideas y'all

[mianotkhalifa]

I know this is unlike me but I'm trying this new take on being a bit too open with my emotions and thoughts because I know in the past I have felt held back and kept them inside too long, only to explode and watch it hurt the people around me and myself. Not to say I don't overshare every aspect of my life, but I struggle with being vulnerable and letting people into my raw emotions I guess.

I've been struggling lately, not just with my mental health, or situations I've been going through, but also my physical health. It's always weird for me to actually talk about how much it effects me or seriously impacts the way I feel about myself, and I guess that's due to it being an "invisible illness". But unfortunately I have to learn to deal with it, and everything that comes along with it, because I will never be a fully healthy person and this is staying with me until the day I die. A part that effects the way I think about my brain tumor and all the damage it's done, is that nobody took me seriously until it grew too large and destroyed my pituitary gland, a few of my organs functioning, and hormone production, pressed against my optic nerve and I lost some peripheral vision, gained 20 pounds, and started going through menopause at 16. And even before shit hit the fan, I stopped growing at 10??? At 5'3 and both my parents are 5'10/5'11. That is not normal. And the blackouts I suffered too at that age. None of it made sense, and doctors told me it was anxiety. I still have such a strong sense of anger towards everyone that never took me seriously or validated my symptoms while going through so many psychical ailments at such a young age until I was finally diagnosed. I don't want to hold that burden anymore, but it is so so hard when I have lasting effects that could of been caught earlier, to the point I probably wouldn't have to be on several medications for the rest of my life and take injections every night, as well as blood work/ CT scans/ MRIs multiple times a year, and if there's more growth a second brain surgery. Another thing that is so horribly frustrating is just that, I don't want to have to do that. I still don't think I have fully accepted this will be my way of life forever because I don't want it to be. The time and energy spent on trying to get myself just to feel somewhat okay and whole, in my day to day life is fucking exhausting. And even if that's taking medication 3 times a day, I still just wish it wasn't necessary. This past year has taught me how important it is to take care of myself even if I don't want to lmao. If I get too drunk I don't take a few necessary medications, if I don't eat I miss them too, if I'm stressed the same thing happens. I am the most important thing in my life, and I will always be. My body may not be 100% healthy but it's the only one I have. When covid started there was a shortage on my main medication I take to make my adrenal glands work, and I had to find a pharmacy 2 hours away just to get this one prescription. I still have to get it from them and it's insanely expensive as well just because they don't stock the generic brand. I've been kind of depressed lately and haven't filled my script and I have been slowly running out, and yes that is 100% my fault, but sometimes I have this littttlllle bit of hope that maybe I can stop taking them and I'll feel fine. That didn't happen and now I am going through adrenal crisis and kinda feel like death. That's okay though, I got them shipped so I hope I'll be better in a few days. Probably also why I'm feeling too many emotions surrounding this topic. Just makes me sad because I wish I can just wake up one day and run away off the grid, or fly to a new country to start brand new, and I can't. That's really it. I just also wish sometimes when I said my body can't do this, people would take me a bit more seriously, but that's life.

I just unfortunately have so many negative emotions and memories tied to my tumor and illnesses surrounding it, and it's been weighing on me a bit while I'm trying to figure out my life. I just wanna be a HEALTHY GLOWY GODESS YA KNOW.

None of that was to ask for sympathy/a response back, and actually please don't feel the need to because it will make me uncomfortable. I just needed to vent a bit and get my emotions out there instead of pretending like everything is okay then exploding and crying in a corner for once

Take care of ur selves and stay hydrated and if u get some consistent heat flashes or start blacking out when u run go to a doctor and tell them to take ur FUCKIN BLOOD N TELL U WHATS GOOD

[mistymark]

the one with the annotations.

dong sicheng x reader // 3.7k words // masterlist // send requests here

summary; in which sicheng keeps writing in the books at the library and it should be obvious but that’s,,, not,,, allowed???

warnings: none its just fluff, theres some humour if u like,, squint

requested; yes :D - “Enemies to lovers 👀 with sicheng? Love your writing btw 💕” from anon

notes; based on this prompt: ”You’ve got to stop returning books full of corrections and spiteful comments in red pen bc I can’t stop reading them and my boss gives me disapproving glares when I laugh at the funny ones

ohhhhh boi

so while you were at uni you had a part time job at the library

because surprise surprise as a lit major you like books

shocker there

you always tried to work the late shifts, closing up and doing the returns

just because it was easy and relaxing organising and restacking the books

but soon you wished you took the earlier shifts

because of dong sicheng

not to be dramatic but

your long rival

he started coming to the library to borrow books

because that’s kind of the point of a library

but he ended up liking the environment for studying

and would stay there for hours just to study

and you’d admire his hardworking nature

if he left on time, that is

you would do the rounds ten minutes before closing

just to tell everyone like

‘hey, we’ll be closing in around ten minutes if you want to begin packing up’

but this bitch

would nEVER PACK UP ON TIME

you’d end up standing at his table with your bag and the keys in your hand

tapping on the wood to try and get his attention

and him slowly packing up afterwards

even tho he kNOWS you want to go home

‘you’re just as slow as you were in kindergarten hey?’

and he’d be so furious

‘you know you cheated’

‘I don’t remember any such thing’

and maybe you did maybe you didn’t

you were like four years old

as if you’d remember a race you won when you were that age

he just rolls his eyes and leaves as you lock the doors

you leave in the other direction

happily leaving him behind

but he stops by every Monday Tuesday and Thursday night to study

which are the days you work as well

he acts like it’s just part of his schedule 

but he worked out if he came in on Wednesday’s he didn’t have the opportunity to annoy you

and honestly?

annoying you at the end of your shift and after a long session of studying was the highlight of his night

but he keeps borrowing books

and you’re like

whatever

until he borrows this new book you’ve been wanting to read for ages

and you were low-key so bitter

this lil bitch has no way of knowing you wanted that book but somehow he does and that’s the only reason he’s borrowed it

even though,, he literally had no idea lmao

tbh u probably would have wanted to talk to him about the books he reads bc u have very similar taste

okay the same taste

but he’s such an asshole ur like nah fam

anyways he returns it after a week

boy reads fast ok

and when he goes to drop it in the returns box

you just take it from his hand and scan it under your name straight away

and put it under the desk so no one else can borrow it

and when there’s a lull in the work at the library

you reach under the table for the book and rifle through it

and you notice a few pencil marks

and upon further inspection you realise they’re comments referencing certain parts of the book

and you do nOT stand for vandalism

but some of them are fuckin hilarious not gonna lie

on the page you just happened to open

you can see there’s a comment beside a passage of text depicting a fight scene

‘this would kill someone wtf’

and u laugh and wonder who had done this

like the book had only been out for a little while

and u finish it in just less than a week

bc u read a lot during your shifts

probably a lot more than you should tbh

and seriously the comments made the book better

you hadn’t laughed so hard at random commentary so much

like the words were exactly what you were thinking

you couldnt help it

while ur putting some of the books back in the middle of your shift

!!!! you see another book that u might like !!! 

not to judge a book by its cover butttttttt

it looks like ur type oop-

and after flipping through it

to get an idea of font size and chapter length cause ur a whole nerd like that

u see it ALSO has pencil markings

in the borders and underlining sentences

and without even thinking u borrow it

just to read the funny comments again

and ur boss comes up to you during your shift and is like

‘have you seen someone’s been writing in the books? look at this’

and thrusts a book in ur face

and ur like ??????? okay chill I’ll look

and u read the writing she’s pointing at

the familiar loopy handwriting adorning the page

and it says ‘I hope she throws her drink in his face’

when u read the paragraph for context

u realise it’s a confession scene

a few lines down the mystery person has written ‘called it.’

and u can’t help but laugh

like come on that was funny

but ur boss doesn’t agree

she just asks you to find out who’s doing it so they can be suspended from the library

or charged with vandalism

or something

she wants vengeance

u roll ur eyes and go to one of the staff computers

scrolling through the lists of borrowers for that specific book

and it’s a fuckin library that book has been borrowed a loT

2031 times ???????????????

you almost fall of your chair tbh

then someone clears their throat in front of u

and u immediately apologise as u try and get the right tab up to process the borrower’s book

but once u look at the person in front of u

you wish you hadn’t been so nice

sicheng stands in front of you

a grin on his face as he hands you another book

smug bitch is so happy he startled u

‘looking at porn on the library computer, yn?’

u laugh

‘I’m not u in 8th grade’

he glares at you as he takes his book and goes back to his desk to continue studying

u were soooo hoping he’d leave

even tho u kinda enjoyed looking at him

like dude was hot okay

what were u supposed to do????

ur actual job????

please.

so he stays

and when it’s ten minutes til closing

u go and let everyone know

and u stop at sichengs table

and he’s writing out notes or something

idk it’s not like u care anyway lol

but he’s lowkey frustrated bc he keeps messing up this one goddamn formula

so he erases it

and that’s when u catch a glimpse of his handwriting

and bruh am I high or is that the exact same handwriting as in the books

I mean he has borrowed a few of the books

and he’s into that genre

not that you've checked out his borrowed list or anything

basically ur having this whole conversation with yourself in your head

bc ur cool like that

and he’s like ????? why this bitch standing over my shoulder and watching me write out this equation

until he’s like ‘what are u doing’

and ur like !!!!! oh hi !!! sorry I was busy listening to the voices in my head lmao xD

jk jk

‘have u been writing in the books’

and suddenly he’s super shy

and he has this massive grin

and he’s like ‘no’

bitch we know it was u stfu

u roll ur eyes and ur like ‘its not funny my boss wants you to be suspended’

he squints at you

‘how do you even know it was me’

and then:

‘DO YOU HAVE E V I D E N C E’

and u cross your arms

like a badass bitch

and ur like ‘I have plenty of evidence actually’

‘for one, youve borrowed all the books that have been found with writing’

‘and your handwriting matches’

subconsciously he covers his notebook with his arm to hide his handwriting

and he's like ‘why are u telling me this’

you're taken aback by the question tbh

like ?????? to be a good person ??????

idk u fuckwit just wanted to warn you

‘thought you'd want to know’

and he just turns back to his book

and you shrug and walk away like ok get suspended then see if I care

but u do :((

but as you walk away hes like

‘wait’

‘Im gonna be suspended??’

and u nod like ye that's what I just said but ok

‘like I cant borrow or I cant come in at all?’

u don't know tbh

‘both I think?’

and suddenly there's panic in his eyes

another person walks past u and thanks u

and u mindlessly tell them to have a good night as they leave

everyone has left

except sicheng of course

that beautiful son of a-

wait why did u say beautiful

‘what can I do to nOT get suspended??’

and u shrug bc idk dude not my problem

but then u think about it

‘I mean if u get rid of the evidence theres no way u can be suspended, right?’

and he seems so happy at the thought

‘would you help me? please?’

and ur sooooooo skeptical

‘depends. what do u want to me to do?’

‘I mean I need access to the books so’

‘yeah ill let u in and out’

‘I can't exactly just erase the markings when people could be watching’

and that's exactly how you end up sitting in the library with dong sicheng at 11pm at night rifling through books to find odd pencil markings to erase

it wasnt that hard

u just got his record up

*snorts* ‘you borrowed ‘how to talk to girls’ when we were thirteen’

and he just rolled his eyes and marched to the computer like ‘you can see my record I deserve to see yours’

and ur like NOOOOOO nononononono

but later

‘you've read all the light-fighter novels??’

he looks at you from where hes searching for one of the books on the list, an eyebrow raised

‘yeah why’

‘dude,, I loved those books’

and he smiles a little

‘thats where I started marking the books tbh, every time I read it id add a little cross in the corner of the cover bc I read it so often’

part of u is a little impressed

the other is annoyed at how similar your taste in books is

but the first part keeps asking why u hate him so much

other than the staying late and the snarky comments

which you actually find kinda funny-

anyways

once you've gathered up a few of the books

like at least ten each

you sit on the floor of the childrens section

beanbags sprawled out beneath you as u read through some of the books

most of them you've read before

and every time you giggle at something hes written his smile gets a little bigger

but of course youre looking at the book so you dont notice

and he keeps his head down

‘is it bad that im hungry’

you lift your head from the book to look at sicheng

hes not even reading anymore hes just lounging back on the beanbags

and maybe he'd been watching u read

watching as the smile on your face grew wider at his commentary

‘I didnt see you leave tonight. have u eaten?’

you furrow your brows in thought, trying to recall having seen him leave

‘you been watching me, y/n?’

‘have you been eating, sicheng?’

and there's something about the way you say his name that makes his heart jump

his voice is soft as he looks at you in the dark

‘no’

you focus back on the book in front of you

‘finish whatever book youre on and we’ll call it a night’

‘what, you wanna go eat?’ 

you cant tell if hes just surprised or if hes hopeful

or something else

‘no but I do want to sleep’

you laugh and he forces a laugh too

you dont notice the difference

when you've returned all the books

he meets you at the front door as you grab the book you'd been reading that shift

hes just standing by the door on his phone

and maybe its bc ur tired or maybe its just him

but u cant help thinking

Jesus Christ this boy is attractive

and okay maybe u had a crush on him a few years ago

but hey! you were eleven what could u do

the crush still lasted like two years tho lmao

but u shoulder your bag and open the door for him

making sure to lock it carefully

and he walks with you in the direction of your apartment

and ur like oh u live this way too?

and hes like nah

but what kind of boy would he be if he didnt accompany home

like christ y/n u could be h u r t out here at this time of night

but you just smile at him bc wow thats ??? actually ??? kinda sweet

‘who are u and what have u done with dong sicheng’

and there goes his heart again

he just nudges u with his elbow 

and u laugh at him and continue on ur way

when u get to ur building he thanks u for ur help in the most polite way possible

and u can kind of see that hes actually rlly nice ??? how ???

but hes back at the library the next day

and of course he comes up to the counter as soon as he spots you

sneaking around a few desks so u dont hear him come up behind you to whisper ‘BOO!’ in your ear

you jump like three feet in the air and spin around to tell him to get out from behind the desk

‘I dont see a nametag on u that means u have to be on THAT side of the desk thank u very much’

‘didnt realise your name tag said bitch on it geeeez y/n ://’

and u just fix him with a glare once hes finally on the right side

‘are u borrowing a book or not’

‘nuP’

he leans on the desk

his eyes staring straight into yours

‘just wanted to ask if u were able to stay back tonight’

you roll ur eyes

you'd barely gotten any sleep last night

but the look of concern on his face when he realises youre hesitating makes you nod

‘of course,, wouldnt want my least favourite person to get kicked out’

‘I always knew you had a soft spot for me’

you roll ur eyes aGAiN

‘go bother someone else’

‘oh is the hot librarian in?’

you push him away from the desk

but he doesnt miss the faint smile on ur lips

‘sicheng dont make me give you $100 in overdue book fees’

he sticks his hands up at the threat, his eyes wide

‘no. please. ill do anything’

when u raise an eyebrow at him, he just grabs the book you'd been reading (and not yet borrowed) and walks away

and he winks too

u have to stop your heart from beating out of its chest

and later

its 8pm and the library is officially closing

and for the past three hours you'd been walking to sicheng’s desk and subtly been trying to steal your book back

but every single time hes seen you coming

and pulled the book under the desk or into his lap

away from your grabbing hands

every. single. time.

you tap your foot impatiently at him when its time to continue ur undercover project

and he smiles down at his notebook when he hears u huff in annoyance at him

he dramatically looks up at you

‘do you need something?!’

‘do you want to get suspended?!’

he narrows his eyes at you but stands up anyway

he carefully puts his things in his bag and takes the list of books from your hands

a few of them are already crossed out as having been checked and erased

but theres still a lot to go

it takes you almost three weeks to finally get to the last day

and it had been the same thing every time;

sicheng took forever to pack up

you'd eventually find about ten books each

sit in the children’s section

laugh and chat about your lives while you went through the books

tease each other

and when you'd finished,

he'd walk you home

every single time

without fail

it became a habit that on the Tuesdays he'd stop by on his way to his morning class to drop coffee off for you

because he'd kept you up the night before

and it became easy to lose track of time with sicheng

he was just so engaging

there was no part of you that felt bored or uncomfortable with him

yeah he was annoying and infuriating

but his good book taste made up for it

and his annotations in the margins of the books too

‘is this the last of them?’

he squints down at the page again, counting the books on the table again

its the third time hes counted

‘surely ive read more than this’

‘not from this library ://’

you blow your hair out from your face and look down at the pile

‘you know, I think my manager is starting to get really suspicious of me’

‘why’ he looks up briefly from his book to read your face

but you try and remain calm

‘well she only told me about the markings right. and now theyre disappearing’

he looks at you like ?????

‘well she knows ive been closing up late... I think she thinks I did it’

he laughs ‘you? has she met you?’

you pout and throw a pillow at him

‘HEY! what's that supposed to mean :((’

‘it means ive never met someone who's so protective over books as you’

you think about it, chewing ur bottom lip

‘lets just finish this’

‘do u want to get food after’

he surprises you with the sudden question

and the slight nervousness thats evident on his face really makes you want to say yes

but you have a class tomorrow

and you always try and finish up here earlier on a Thursday night

‘cant :((’

he nods and goes back to readng

theres silence for a while

but you find it comfortable

sicheng on the other hand, feels as though hes just been shot down

like

you just turned down his date

you've kinda noticed hes more reserved now

quiet

but rlly hes just kind of embarrassed

until u say something that gives him hope

‘I,, uh, I dont have plans tomorrow night’

and ngl boy is stunned

‘just if u wanted to go see a movie or something idk’

now its ur turn to be embarrassed

u hope ur hair is hiding ur face as u look back down at the book in ur lap bc no doubt ur blushing

but sicheng is just staring at you

and

before even saying anything

he leans over the gap between you

with all the books

and hovers in front of your face

ur so shocked and ur heart is beating way too hard and fast and ur breathing is too quick to be normal are you having an attack I dont know-

and then he leans forward a little bit more

and his lips meet yours

and suddenly its like a fireworks display went off inside you

and then its almost midnight on a Thursday night and ur sitting in the children's section of your workplace in the beanbags with sicheng cupping ur face and kissing you

he just really needed to kiss you

like more than he needed air

and when u finally pull back

he loves how breathless you are

how you have to fight to keep the smile off your face

how you stare at him with wide eyes

‘so its a date then?’

you blush even redder

and nod

‘ye its a date :))’

but for the next fifteen minutes you sit in stunned silence together

small smiles playing on your faces

until u look at your watch and ur like

‘shit sicheng I have to go’

and his eyes widen bc holy crap u were supposed to leave like half an hour ago

so u both sprint around the library trying to put all the books back

and he meets you at the door again after you've grabbed the keys and made sure everything that needed to be locked was,,, u know,, locked

and when ur walkign to the door again

hes on his phone

u cant see but hes texting his friends about what happened lmao what a softie

and when u walk out together

without thinking he grabs your hand

and u walk home

hand in hand

after midnight

he clears his throat

‘so uh,, when actually is our date’

‘my last class ends at 5-’

‘so 5 it is’

‘are u sure??’

he nods happily

and he presses a gentle kiss to ur forehead when u get to ur doorstep

‘ill see u tomorrow’

but the next day

when u come out of your last class

a little giddy

a little too excited

and see him leaning against one of the stone pillars

effortlessly handsome

you feel your heart flip

and maybe ur just tired or maybe its him

but hes really attractive

like really really attractive

its actually just that youre in love with him

he doesnt see you coming

too focused on something on his phone

but he definitely sees you when you push his hand out to the side and step onto ur toes to kiss him

and u can feel him smile a little as he kisses you back

‘ready for that date?’

‘yeah, where are we going’

‘so I was thinking we could go to the libra- HEY! dont hit me I was j o k i n g y/n jesus christ’

[rattusrattus3]

hey! im assuming everyone deals with this from time to time, and your advice is usually very helpful (and i trust you fjsbfb) but do you have any tips on falling asleep? the past few days i haven't slept, and it's not great for lil ol me 😅 if not, that's okay! thanks for reading this anyway! i love you, smooches 💙 - Gobs

ah hi gobs!!! sorrry this took so long to get back to! yes i would love to offer some tips 

ok first one and i hate this but (•ˋ _ ˊ•) unfortunatly . what is ur caffeine intake like? maybe cut down on that, it helped me a lot 

tea before bed is so nice!!!! some good relaxing ones that are my fav are Honey Vanilla Chamomile, Kava Kava (this one is uh not for everyone, it makes your mouth numb and has some weird kinda stoned effects, very mild but nice and relaxing, but google it before hand and ask ur doc etc etc), same with Blue Lotus tea is like that, i love Sweet Wild Orange tea also! tea is very relaxing and i reccomend IM NOT A DOCTOR ALSO! PLS NO ONE COME AT ME 

a little stretching before bed is very nice imo! i am always sore lol so ill look up on youtube a little yoga session for whatever im sore with (like, gentle hip openers, or shoulder stretching or whatever), one channel i like is yoga with adriene 

meditation? i mean i kinda hate meditating but i like body scans? i like a lot, you can find those on youtube as well! theres also lots of good sleep podcasts or apps that will play different things for you, you can experiment and find what is most relaxing for you (maybe its rain sounds or ASMR or calm music or visualizations or body scans or meditation I don't know! try some out see what you like!) my fav ever that i listen to constantly is this “Relax Into Deep Sleep” by Meg James its on the Insight Timer Meditation App (free and i reccomend), (Meg James has a whole course on “Simple Tools For Self Acceptance I highly recommend!)

try to figure out what it is about sleep that is hard for you, and try to target that! for me for instance, a big problem is keeping my eyes closed long enough to get to sleep, and i found that making an eye pillow out of rice and dried lavander and a new sock tied with a string does the trick to help me weigh down my eyes and keep em closed! If its anxiety, try to use a meditation, another thing that was hard for me to overcome was being cold all the time, so now i sleep with a hot water bottle and it helps cause i can move it to my toes or wherever is cold 

comfy pjs or naked but make sure u comfy and prioritize that

stuffed animals :) i love to spoon Crystal my big pink unicorn! or holding lapin to my chest as i sleep is really comforting to me :) 

try to keep a semi consistent sleep schedule i promise it helps it sucks and its hard but it helps 

I reccomend a routine, it doesnt have to be complicated just something that you do every night to signal to your body its time to wind down. my night time routine is really chill and helps me wind down, try to figure out what the best one is for you but this is mine: shower, get out of shower, have a tea while i lotion my whole body (wait for it to soak in), put on pjs, and do my skin care (toner, lotion). when my teas done i brush teeth (floss and mouthwash if its a good day), put in my retainer, then i sit in bed, spray my pillow and around me with a spray bottle filled with water, vanilla extract and lavander oil, then I put hand lotion and lip balm on, turn off the lights, queue up something to listen to, set my alarms, then i put my little sleep mask on and  its night time :) 

some products i like if u wanna treat urself: sleepy body lotion from lush, some nice smelling candles from the dollar store, lavander essential oil (to put in a spray bottle for nice soothing smells)  and teas i reccomended ;) (or whatever teas u like!!! if u dont know what u like get a caffeine free sampler pack from Twinings or Celestial Seasonings and see what u like!)

i also like to do a to do list before i go to bed so i can get all the shit off my mind that i need to do coming up, i also will keep a note pad by my bed so if im having obsessive or anxious thoughts and they are keeping me up to the point i cant sleep i can just scribble them down and then i feel like they’re out and i can re-visit them later instead of feeling the need to obsess over them in the moment 

Melatonin? is a thing u can try? I got it prescribed when i was younger but it never did anything for me really but you can buy it over the counter and ask your doctor etc etc but yeah maybe thats somehting you could look into ? AGAIN NOT A DOCTOR ASK UR DOCTOR 

thats all i got for now i hope it may help you or others !!! not sleeping is hard but we can get there! 

[a-sweet-pea]

hello ilysm and i just wanted to ask if you’re gonna be updating any of ur stories (i know it’s school and i don’t want u stressed) but you’re really good at writing and ily

Ily2 internet person! And your continued interest in my absentee-author-ass fills my heart with warm and fuzzy joy

I’m actually out of school (old fogey alert) so that’s not an issue for me!

Which brings me to the issue at hand, why haven’t I been updating, like, at all? I’ve been meaning to draft a public statement, and I suppose this is as good a time as any!

Ahem.

MAJOR WALL OF BUMMER INCOMING

If you are not in a place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or geographically to handle some major bummer news, please skip to the TLDR and look at some video footage of baby woodland creatures instead.

Cool.

So, how to say this as delicately as possible.

Who has two thumbs and cancer?

Ya girl, sweetpea!

Yeah, long uncomfortable story short, a series of unrelated medical exams kind of dominoed into each other and ended up with a scan that scared my doctor enough to get biopsies done, and bob’s your uncle, fanny’s your aunt, wham bam, no thank you m’am that sure is a load of cancer all up in your body.

So, I understand that you may have some questions, so I have taken the liberty of preemptively answering a few:

Is it bad?

What a silly question, of course it’s bad, it’s cancer.

No, I mean, are you going to die?

Woof, maybe buy a girl dinner before dropping questions like that, would you? The answer is that we’re all gonna die someday and, yes, I realize that the fact I have cancer makes that eventually a little more present in my daily life than most people, but the long and short of it is that they won’t know what Stage it’s at until they do surgery, and I’m doing a few rounds of chemo first, and It’s either the kind that most people recover from totally fine or it’s not, and worrying about which it is isn’t going to be of much personal use to me in the meantime.

But seriously, are you going to die?

No, I am an eldritch creature who has long since ascended beyond the strictures of this flesh prison, and any apparent death or illness is merely a temporary interruption of my manifestation in this realm. Are you happy now?

Yes! Can I give you money?

That is so sweet of you to ask, and you sure can! I have a Ko-Fi set up at the link below, and if you send a little prompt along with your donation or an image that you think could inspire a one shot, I’ll see if I can’t crank something out for it (don’t think of it as a commission, cause I’m warning you now, when I have the energy to do things, my first two priorities are my full time job and World of Warcraft, but you never know when I could use a little writing diversion to keep the mind agile)

What will the money go toward?

Making up for all the hours I can’t work my standard job because of chemo, lattes laced with Ensure nutrition shakes, and small stuffed animals to keep me company during treatments (I have a growing plush menagerie, and I will not stop until I am drowning in fluffy sons).

But I don’t have any money.

Then why did you offer to give me money, you absolute Dingle-Horse. Go make money and use it to pay for your own food and shelter.

How do I know you’re not lying about having cancer to get money?

You don’t, but worst case scenario, you’re giving me money for being very good at lying, and isn’t that what being an author is all about?

Can I pray for you?

If it makes you feel good, by all means go right ahead! I appreciate the sentiment.

Can send you private messages about Jesus/Allah/Vishnu/My preferred flavor of Mysticism and how its all you need to be cured / feel better?

I am one of those annoying internet atheists, and while I believe I’ve matured enough to not be so annoying about it anymore, I will abandon that effort if you come preaching into my PMs.

My sister/brother/cousin had cancer, and they cured it by eating three whole lemons per day and rubbing amethyst crystals on their nipples. Let me link you to citrusnipples.com and you can buy a starter pack for $24.99

No they didn’t, and please don’t.

Well sweetpea, this fucking sucks.

That’s not a question, but y’all, it is a mood, and I feel ya.

BUMMER OVER

TLDR: Updates will be sporadic / minimal / possibly not at all while I deal with some unexpected medical issues! If you want to throw any money in my direction so that I can accumulate a dragon-hoard of gold coins, follow the link below.

LINK TO SWEET PEA’S KO-FI

[artificialqueens]

(I Can Still Recall) Our Last Summer - Chapter Six (Group Fic) - pureCAMP

A/N - so here we go! as u might remember, a phrase coined from mean queens several aeons ago…. welcome to the fuckening. from here on out, it will be disastrous because thats just how we do things these days

im going on holiday for a week now so here’s ur update!! will be back soon with more and potentially some shillam and shalaska <3

“Mommy! Mommy, look!”

The little girl, her hair in messy pigtails around her face, was playing with her younger brother. She couldn’t have been any more than five years old. Sharon smiled, nodding intently to show her daughter that she was paying attention. It was one of those lazy summer days, most of which had been spent lying on a towel, watching her beautiful children play as she soaked up the sun. Next to her, Justin was watching too, his gaze filled with adoration.

“We’re so lucky,” Justin breathed, his voice low. His hands ghosted over Sharon’s sun-warmed skin, a tender display of affection.

The little girl attempted a somersault, and they both clapped. When she righted herself, she was beaming.

“Yeah. We are.” She agreed, burying her face in his shoulder. She allowed herself a moment of clarity, to just take in his scent as he watched the kids. Everything was perfect.

The warm sensation soon faded, and as Sharon lifted her head, she was filled with an icy shock. Her face was no longer buried in Justin’s shoulders. He wasn’t anywhere to be seen. He was no longer watching the kids, and they were screaming - crying out desperately as an unseen force dragged them into the sea. Their tiny fingers left lines in the sand as they tried to anchor themselves to the shore.

Soon she found herself running, ignoring how the beach had transitioned from idyllic and peaceful to grey and violent. The wind whipped at her as she tried to run at her children, biting at her skin and forcing her back. The last she saw of her children, their screams were being swallowed by the monstrous waves that were cannibalizing the beach.

Sharon sat bolt upright, panting. She was covered in a sheen of cold sweat, having awoken in a sheer panic from her nightmare.

They had been happening for five nights in a row now, and she didn’t know what to make of them.

It wasn’t always children. Sometimes she was on stage, performing as usual, and one energetic jump would lead to the stage collapsing, and she would fall into an abyss, screaming. Other times, she was arguing with her mother, who would then pull out a knife and carve a grisly crucifixion onto her stomach. Whatever the dream, it was always harrowing, and she awoke the same way - in the peak of her terror, sweating and shaking.

She leant back, breathing heavily as she tried to relax. If this dream was textbook - following the pattern of all her others - then soon enough, she would be suffering with the more physical effects of her tormented mind.

Sure enough, like clockwork, the nausea within her rose quickly. It was a race against time, and Sharon was briefly grateful to be in the house she hated so much, as the bathroom was just a few feet from her bedroom door. Thankfully, she made it in good time, and ended up crouched over the toilet bowl, retching and spewing what little she had consumed.

Sharon had done everything she could think of to find the root of her weird dreams and sickness. Cutting out alcohol had been the first and most obvious one, but it seemed that a string of terrible hangovers hadn’t been causing her morning misery. She tried to eat better and move more, but nothing helped. After that, she’d been pretty stumped for causes.

The whole ordeal usually lasted about an hour, although she spent at least half of the day feeling sick and wobbly. She assumed, grimly, that that would be the case for as long as the illness lasted. In the meantime, she wasn’t going to let that stop her. With not so long left until her friends headed off into Europe to pursue their further education, Sharon wanted to spend every moment of her time with Jinkx and Raja.

Once she was sure that everything she had eaten had come back up, she cleaned herself up and got dressed, leaving as quickly as she could. There was a narrow window of time during which her mother would be out, pottering to do errands for the church, so she needed to take it to avoid a confrontation. It was the safest option to just avoid her as much as possible.

The state of her family life was depressing. Sharon closed the front door behind her and tried not to think about it.

-

Before heading to Raja’s, Sharon made a quick trip to the store near her house. It was her go-to - maybe because she could buy anything she wanted without fear of it being traced back to her mother. Despite Jinkx always claiming she was paranoid, Sharon knew her mother had eyes everywhere. Once, she had attempted to buy a magazine that had been deemed ‘inappropriate’ by her mother’s standards, and three different people had reported back to her mother. She knew most of them through church, and there was no shortage of religious fanatics working in and around the local shops. Sharon much preferred the safety of the shops near Raja, where no one she knew would frequent.

Her goodbye gifts already picked out, Sharon decided to just wander a little, mostly searching for the cider Raja had been begging her to get and hoping her nausea would calm down. She was just reaching for the third can when somebody bumped into her.

“Ooh, sorry!” A soft voice said. Sharon looked up, making eye contact with a gentle-looking woman. She was blushing with embarrassment, and gesturing apologetically towards her swollen stomach.

“I’m still figuring out how to manoeuver myself with this one! Sorry, sweetheart.” The woman continued. She patted Sharon’s shoulder before continuing on her way, the mishap already forgotten in her mind.

In complete contrast to the kindly woman, Sharon felt as though a cold fist had squeezed her heart into a vice grip. It was as if sense had slapped her straight in the face, and she was reeling from the sting of the revelation.

Feeling sicker than ever, she tossed the drinks into her bag and walked to the opposite corner of the store. A burning shame permeated her whole body as she scanned the aisle, overwhelmed with choice. It made her beyond angry that her supposed faith, something she didn’t believe in and never would, could still condition her to feel so disgusting.

The innocent white boxes lined the aisle from top to bottom, wall to wall. Some of them had smiling babies on, with big blue eyes and no teeth. Some had large, rounded bumps, as though the idiot models really needed that purchase just to make sure. Some of them were just plain and simple. Some of them showed couples embracing together, their loving expressions mocking her. We’re married, financially-stable adults planning a family. You’re a slut.

She snatched the closest one from the shelf and left, her cheeks flaming.

The cashier, of course, said nothing. He had no reason to care about the anxieties of a seventeen year old, despite Sharon’s worry that everyone was judging her. He didn’t even blink when she snatched up the offending box and buried it underneath the rest of her purchases, trying to pretend it wasn’t there.

At Raja’s house, it was all she could think about. The three cans of cider - which were, admittedly, amazing - had been poured into glasses, but she felt too nauseous to have much more than a sip of her own. It took all that she had to try and look normal, to mask the sickness and the anxiety that wrestled in the pit of her potentially-pregnant stomach. 

It was terrifying.

Whenever she spaced out, becoming entrapped in her own thoughts, she laughed herself out of it, pretending to Raja and Jinkx that she was just feeling a little dreamy.

“It’s probably sex-withdrawal.” Raja laughed. “I get all spacey when I haven’t fucked in too long. It’s been forever since we ran into asshole Justin for the first time. You haven’t been fucked in at least a month. It’s so bad when you get the bug for it. Go and find a man, it’ll drive you crazy if you don’t.”

Jinkx clinked their glasses together, clearly in agreement. “Or I’ll do it. Girls know what girls like.”

Sharon forced out a laugh. “Ha, maybe. I’m just gonna use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

Her mind was fixated on that evil box, still sitting at the bottom of her bag. If she didn’t do it now, she would never have the courage to find out. Her bubbling apprehension wouldn’t be able to stay simmering long enough to play the waiting game. She had to find out, if only to put her mind at rest.

She practically tore through the box, gulping as the little stick fell into her hands. It was a clean slate, waiting to predict her future. Reading the instructions on how to make the plastic fortune-teller work, she sat and wished the damn thing would just stay blank. She needed to know, but knew she couldn’t face it.

“If sufficient levels of HCG are present then…” Sharon mumbled under her breath, reading the label. She almost tossed it onto the floor when she reached the end.

How obnoxious. If she was pregnant, two lines would appear, and the little smiley face already at the end of the stick would smile at her, reflecting the happiness that all new mothers should feel. To most people who bought it, it was a sweet memory to look back on. To Sharon, it would be a garish joker, taunting her of her stupidity.

In order to avoid arousing suspicion, she activated the test and then shoved it deep into her pocket. As a decoy, she flushed the toilet, washed her hands and headed out, making a show of looking calm and casual. Her cider glass was empty, and the mischievous grins of her friends told her exactly where the drink had gone.

“You snooze, you lose.” Jinkx told her triumphantly. “Sorry. Did you buy any more?”

“No. I didn’t buy anything else.” Sharon said, a little too quickly. “It’s okay, anyway. You guys like it more than I do.”

Any conversation she tried to make was pointless, and every fibre of her being just wanted to burst into tears. It would be a while until she saw Raja and Jinkx again, after they’d left, and she didn’t want them to remember her as depressed and dull, a shell of the lively girl they knew her as. That was how she’d been ever since Justin left, even with her distractions on the side, but now it was worse than ever. The worry was killing her.

All she needed was to see one line, and the smiley face would look kindly, reminding her that even though her luck was terrible, somebody up there was on her side. Surely, someone up there had seen how her heart had been broken three times by lovers, about to be broken a fourth by her friends, and would cut her some slack. There was no way she was that unlucky.

Whilst Raja and Jinkx started discussing their plans for the future, Sharon held her breath and started to count.

“I wonder how many hot French boys there’ll be in Paris.”

One, two, three, four, five, six… What happens if there’s a positive? What if it’s a false?

“Apparently the place is like, rife with lesbians. There’s an infestation. Sounds like my kinda place.”

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen… Could I really be pregnant?

“My dad paid for the nicest accommodation ever, I’m so excited. You two have to visit me there!”

Twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty, thirty one, thirty two, thirty three… How will I pay for a baby? I’ll need to get a job and find somewhere to live…

“My halls have this huge auditorium! We could put on a concert there!”

Forty two, forty three, forty four, forty five, forty six, forty seven… Would I be a good mom? What do you even do?

“I’m gonna miss you so much, Sharon. You gotta come and visit.”

Fifty five.

“Yeah! Same here. I wish you could come too.”

Fifty six. I’ll be fine. It’s gonna be fine.

“I can’t believe our last show is next weekend. It’s all happening so fast.”

Fifty seven. Fuck, it’s not going fast enough.

“This summer has been the best one ever. I’ll never forget it.”

Fifty eight. This has been the longest minute of my life.

“Me neither. I feel like everything has changed this summer. It’s completely unforgettable.”

Fifty nine. Oh god, I can’t look.

“God, I love you girls so much.”

Sixty.

She looked.

“Are you crying?”

Sharon wiped her eyes with her sleeve, chuckling weakly. “Oh, ignore me, seventeen and crying over my friends. I’m just thinking about how much I’m gonna miss us! I’m nothing without you two, my best friends.”

Raja softened. “Aww, sweetheart! You’re a strong, fiercely independent woman, whether we’re here or not. I’m gonna miss you every day!”

“I think we need a hug, no more tears.” Jinkx insisted. “Hugs fix everything.”

Sharon laughed once again, sniffing as she buried herself into her friend’s embrace. Hugs fix everything, except for when you have an unfixable problem growing inside you. 

Two little lines stared back at her.

Justin had cheated; Jaremi had run away; Willam had gone home. Her two best friends - her only friends - were leaving: Raja for Paris and Jinkx for Amsterdam.

And Sharon was pregnant.

-

It wasn’t going away. Normally, if she tried hard enough, she could simply ignore the problem and it would go away. It would disappear and float away into the ether, and she would wonder why she had ever worried about something so obsolete.

It wasn’t working this time.

For one, it never left her mind. Her dreams were cursed with visions of shrieking babies and boyfriends who would flit in and out, breaking up with her in various ways. During the day, her mind was haunted in the same way - the vision of that positive swirling in the back of all of her thoughts. She had an aversion to the fish in the marketplace and thought, absentmindedly, it was probably to do with that. She saw babies being carried by their sweet, caring mothers and wondered if she really had it in her to be a mom, or whether she had to take some kind of action to end it.

Secondly, her sickness only worsened. In order to avoid her mother noticing, she had been leaving the house early; she rose before five just so she could go out and be sick somewhere else. The nausea didn’t seem to want to leave her, either. It hung around all day, jolting her stomach at the slightest scent it didn’t agree with. Two nights ago, at the taverna, the heady scent of beer had set her off, leading to Raja and Jinkx performing without her as she retched in the dressing room toilet. All she had to do was say she had a bug, and they left it at that. Even when she seemed fine, they didn’t ask. Sharon was glad for that. When she flat-out refused to perform the next night, they shrugged and assumed she was still wobbly.

And last - but worst of all - it wasn’t physically going away. The damned thing was slowly becoming more visible, and she had begun to notice it.

The final Supermodels show had come upon them, and Sharon decided she couldn’t miss it for the world. It was a Saturday; in just four short days, her friends would be jetting off to begin the next chapter of their lives, leaving her to figure out how she would handle the next chapter of her own. Despite her anxiety and nausea, Sharon was resolute. She was going to do the show.

A full length mirror stood before her. They had decided, for their grand ‘going away’ performance, they would break out the showy little number they reserved for special occasions. Each of them had a specific colour dress - Sharon in blue, Raja in orange and Jinkx in green - which reached about mid-thigh and clung tight. There was a zip at the back and sequins bedazzling the entire outfit. It was beautiful.

It was also too small.

Sharon had always been slim. Growing up with her strict mother, who was always the type to belittle her for eating too much, she had been spindly and wiry for most of her childhood. As she’d gotten older, she’d grown a little curvier - not as curvy as Jinkx, but not as skinny as Raja. Either way, she had always been a slim girl. But now she was changing, and rapidly.

“Damn, girl! You could take somebody’s eyes out with those!” Jinkx had joked earlier that evening, gesturing at Sharon’s chest. That was worrying enough, but it only increased when she tried the fucking dress on.

It would not zip. The tiny zip went over her thighs, just towards her hips, and then stopped. No amount of force could tug it upwards, no matter how hard she tried. The little tell-tale tummy she’d acquired was making sure of that. Against her better judgement, she tried to suck it in, but to no avail. The curve of her tummy remained, the zip stayed stuck.

Examining herself in the mirror, Sharon frowned. Her chest felt tight. Her own body felt alien, as though it didn’t belong to her. Instead it belonged to that thing, the thing taking up residence inside her.

Sharon mustered as much courage as she could simply to open her mouth. It took a few seconds for the words to follow.

“Hey I… I don’t think I’m gonna do the show tonight. You girls go ahead without me.”

It was pathetic, how shaky and unsure she sounded. Raja and Jinkx’s fluid conversation about whether they should ever switch up the colour scheme silenced immediately, and Sharon cursed herself. It was the last show the girls might ever get to do in their current states, their final goodbye to this part of their lives. They couldn’t just do it without her.

Jinkx sounded hurt. “We’re a trio! We can’t be The Supermodels if we’re a duo!”

“Just do it!” Sharon snapped, her voice shrill. Reality was falling onto her shoulders, crushing her beneath its weight, and the fear of change had encapsulated her heart. If they carried on asking questions, she would have to tell them, and if she had to tell them then she had to acknowledge that it was happening, and she really really really was not ready to acknowledge what was happening.

At her tone, Raja’s voice softened. “Still not feeling good, darling?” She asked. She sounded almost motherly, tinged with the care and love Sharon knew she wouldn’t get from her own mother. “It’ll pass, I promise.”

Sharon sighed. “Yeah. B-But it’s not just that.”

“What else is stopping you?” She pressed, gently.

All at once, everything that was stopping her seemed to form an avalanche of emotion, crushing her chest and squeezing her ribcage until she could do nothing but break. Tears began brimming in Sharon’s eyes, slowly enough that it gave Jinkx and Raja time to edge forwards until they were just behind her screen.

“My… my dress. It doesn’t… fit, anymore.” Sharon sniffed, trying to hold back the steadily increasing stream of her tears with little success. Every fibre of her being didn’t want to tell them, didn’t want to have to acknowledge it, but there was no avoiding it now.

Sharon covered her face as they joined her, all three staring into the same mirror. Her vision was blurred from the tears, and she felt Raja’s hand on her exposed back, where the dress should’ve been zipped. Each of them just stared, not sure what to say, not wanting to assume the obvious.

“Take it off, sweetie,” Jinkx instructed softly, moving to assist Raja in unzipping the dress and letting Sharon step out of it. “That’s it, you’re okay.”

In just her underwear, Sharon felt more exposed than ever. There was no hiding her secret from her friends anymore, no convenient bags or flowy shirts to obscure it from sight. The tears slowed a little, allowing her a shaky view of herself in the mirror. Jinkx and Raja clung to her as if trying to keep her in one piece, seeming to sense how close she was to collapsing.

“Fucking Justin.” Raja cursed, quietly. “He did this to you.”

Sharon pushed down the doubts in her mind, the subtle suggestion that maybe this wasn’t him. She knew it was likely, but she knew there were two other candidates who she could never mention.

“I know,” She breathed. “I don’t know what to do.”

Jinkx bit her lip. “You can either keep it or… not.”

“I’m not ready to make that choice.”

“You shouldn’t have to be.” Raja butted in, her tone fierce and her eyes flaming. “He should’ve been more careful, he shouldn’t have let this fucking happen to you!”

“It takes two, Raj!” Sharon found herself almost shouting. “It wasn’t just him! This isn’t his fault.”

In a moment of confusing, blind anger, Sharon stormed away from her friends to gather her regular clothes, tired of feeling vulnerable and naked. The tension in the dressing room had quickly become thick enough to cut, as it became clear that neither of the three girls knew how to react to the situation they were confronted with.

“Why are you defending him? You should be furious. This is huge.” Raja changed her tone, suddenly solemn and serious.

Sharon sighed. “Don’t you see? I have nothing to be furious at. Justin’s gone, he doesn’t know anything about this. I can’t get mad at him for something he knows nothing about.” She paused. “And… I don’t know. It doesn’t seem fair to get mad at…”

Her throat closed up. Jinkx, her eyes welling up with tears, rushed over and nearly toppled her with the force of her bear hug.

“The baby.” She supplied, tearfully saying what Sharon didn’t seem to be able to do. “You can’t be furious at a baby.”

Immediately after, the mood of the room seemed to shift. Everything was out in the open now. Jinkx had delivered the bomb they were all waiting for, and now they had to discuss the fallout.

“The baby,” Raja repeated, seemingly awestruck. “Oh my god, there’s a baby.” 

Sharon wrapped her arms around her stomach, as if to hide it. “There’s a baby.”

She told them as much as she could bear; the nights with Justin, the bouts of sickness and the strange dreams, how she had taken the test in Raja’s house and kept up the smiles as her world crashed down at her feet. Now that she was confessing it all to her friends, she felt bad for being so secretive. Part of her knew she should tell them about the other potential fathers, but for the sake of her own dignity she decided against it. They, of course, would never shame her, but she saw no sense in naming the two men that her friends would never meet. It was best not to overcomplicate things. After all, it was difficult enough with a baby.

“It’s okay, though,” Raja was saying, back to business as usual. “I’ll book you in with my doctor, darling, she’s fantastic. She does confidentiality like it’s nobody’s business, literally. Never told a soul when I had that STI test. Which, by the way, was negative because I’m clean.”

Her intelligent, abrupt nature was already doing wonders for Sharon’s peace of mind. Raja was always good at sorting through the bullshit - sometimes lacking in tact, but with a kind heart determined to fix each and every problem she encountered. 

“I can’t afford your doctor, Raj.” Sharon told her. “I don’t have any money of my own. And there’s no way my mom can pay without asking what it’s for and then finding out.”

Raja rolled her eyes. “Oh my god, Needles. I’m paying for the doctor, shut up.”

“You don’t ha-”

“Bitch, I said shut up. I’m paying for it. It’s not an offer or an obligation, I’m just doing it.”

She blew a kiss and stepped out of the dressing room as Sharon giggled weakly. Jinkx kissed her temple.

“Whatever decision you make, we’re with you the whole way.” She promised. “And we would be great aunties.”

Sharon nodded. “I don’t know what I’ll choose yet. Maybe I should just… give the thing up for adoption. I’d be a terrible mother. I don’t exactly have the best role model.”

Jinkx scoffed. “Be your own role model.” She shrugged. “If you decide to keep the baby, who’s to say you’d be a bad mom? I think you’d be amazing. It’s about love, not being perfect. And I know you have a lot of love in you.”

In some ways, Sharon appreciated Jinkx’s gentle, caring instincts more than her sly sense of humour. It was a relief to have a friend that she could laugh with and cry with, who would hold her tightly and work through her emotions until she could stand on her own two feet again. She had a feeling that, depending on the choice she made, their support would be all that she had to keep herself going.

Raja reappeared. “I cancelled the show. Let’s get you out of here.”

-

Two major changes had taken over Sharon’s life, and she finally felt prepared to face them. The morning, as she knew, would be difficult - she would be seeing off her friends in their brand new beginning and then getting ready to face her own. None of her decisions had been easy, but she felt that they were the best ones she could make.

Surprisingly, as she lingered at the top of the staircase, trying to fill herself with the confidence to walk past her mom and out of the door, she found that the old fear that used to gnaw at her was ebbing away. The heavily-adorned crosses all over the walls judged her and she judged them back, wondering how a woman who believed so deeply in a man dying for their sins could be so against love and acceptance. The so-called mother she had grown up with was nothing more than a bully using the cover of religion as a defense, and Sharon wasn’t going to be afraid of her anymore.

She headed downstairs.

“I’m going out,” She called into the kitchen. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to dash from the kitchen to the front door, and her mom soon confronted her.

“No you’re not, young lady.” She admonished. Her hands were covered in flour, leaving white marks all over her sensible floral dress. “The church bake sale is today and I told them we would be there to help sell everything. You’ve been slacking again, Sharon, and I won’t have it.”

All of her confidence gathered from moments ago deflated like a sad balloon. Still, Sharon stood fast. “Well, you’re gonna have to tell them they’re down a member, because I’m not going.”

Her mom narrowed her eyes. “Don’t argue with me. You know what I can do.”

“You can’t do shit to me.” Sharon bit back. “I’m going to see off Raja and Jinkx, they’re leaving today. That’s that.”

“It’s always about you, isn’t it?” Her mom replied, taking a step closer. Instinctively, Sharon took one back. “I slave away to make sure you have a home, food, a good Christian upbringing and a decent education, and what do I get in return? I get your rudeness, your attitude.”

Sharon tried to interject, but there was no stopping her.

“I give you a home, you’re never here. I feed you, you don’t eat it. I diligently take you to church and you swear and sin like a heathen, purposely embarrassing me when all I do is try and do my best for you. You didn’t try at school, and now you’re wasting your time on sin and recreation even when I try to offer alternatives. So I have to discipline you, and then you think I’m evil. I’m not evil, I’m not disgraceful. You are. You’re a selfish daughter.”

Already, Sharon could tell things were going to go from bad to worse. The morning had barely started and they were already getting into a heavy argument that she knew would end in disaster.

“I’m selfish? Because you like to hit me?” She asked, in disbelief. “Do you think I enjoyed telling my teachers that my bruises were from me being some kind of fucking idiot, because you told me you’d do it again if I told them the truth? Because I didn’t fucking enjoy that, mother.”

“Don’t use that vile language, Sharon. It’s unbecoming of a young lady, as far from one as you might be.” Her mom hissed. “I don’t enjoy hitting you. I do what’s necessary to keep you in line. Our Lord told us to discipline our children. All I ever try to do is his bidding. All you care about are disgusting words and disgusting sins.”

All at once, a surge of white-hot anger lacerated Sharon’s body, releasing the boldness that Raja and Jinkx had always urged her to use. “Oh, fuck you and your shitty religion. Fuck you, fuck God, fuck Dad for never being here. His shitty missionary activism means nothing. All you care about is that everyone follows your fucking Bible and you focus so much on the lives of innocent strangers that you don’t even notice the shit happening right in front of your own eyes!”

She was pacing now, trying to rid herself of the all-consuming frenetic energy. “Fuck you. I’m not the selfish one, you are.”

Her outburst would not go unpunished. As she had seen many times before, her mom’s eyes flashed dangerously. It was as if all at once, her kindly Christian mother facade had melted away, flickering back to reveal her twisted reality. Though physically, nothing changed besides the clenched jaw and closed fist, Sharon suddenly saw her through the lens of her childhood fears. She was eight feet tall, laughing maliciously, her hands slowly raising upwards as she prepared to deliver a menacing blow. It would leave bruises that she should be ashamed of, for the abusive monster had won again and again.

Not again.

“Don’t you fucking dare touch me!” Sharon yelled. Her eyes were filled with furious tears. “I will never let you treat me like a doormat ever again. I will never let you abuse me in the name of your fucking God. This isn’t just about me anymore, which you would know if you fucking paid attention to the child you pretend to love.”

Without even realising, Sharon cupped her hands over her stomach. Somewhere in there, tucked away in the small bump she could feel beneath her fingers, she knew her baby was rooting for her.

“You disgust me.”

Her mom’s tone was much quieter, the fiery, destructive anger replaced with the slow black smoke that lingered afterwards. It was tinged with loathing, telling of her honest reaction to the news. Somewhat calmed - unbelievably - by the feeling of the bump in her hands, Sharon closed her eyes.

“Mom, please.”

Anything else she wanted to say to defend herself dissipated. Her mom’s sheer hatred silenced her before she could even process her own thoughts.

“Seventeen?!” She exclaimed, incensed, and threw her hands up in the air. “And I did everything right, too. I was a good Catholic mother. Lord, what did I do to deserve a slut for a daughter?!”

Despite everything, it still felt like a punch in the gut to hear such scathing words from the only person who was supposed to love her unconditionally. Sharon had known she would react explosively, but it hurt more than she wanted to admit.

“Mom, I-”

The woman stood before her pursed her lips, perfectly still. Her gaze was livid, her body stiff with rage. She looked at Sharon as though she were scum, a piece of dirt, a blight on her picture perfect life.

“I didn’t raise you to be like this.”

“You didn’t raise me at all!” Sharon bit back. “You were never here for me. You’re a shitty mother!”

“I’m not your mother.” She delivered the final blow in a low voice. “No daughter of mine would turn out to be a whore. A slut. You’re on your own.”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Sharon raised her chin as high as she could. “Good riddance. This is the last time you’ll ever see me.”

“Get out of my house.”

Carrying only an old diary and an album full of photos with her, Sharon crossed the threshold of her front door for the last time, and heard it slam behind her. There was no going back now.

“We’re gonna be okay, you and me,” She whispered, her head hung low. “We’ll build a life together. I’ll be a good mom, I swear. I’ll show you just how much I love you, every day.”

[somepeoplethinkimadyke]

Okay so @spaceterrariums and I were discussing having nostalgic Doctor Who Episodes and I managed to write out a whole ass idea for a series w 13 and ppl who have previously been on the show.

Episode One: Mostly just a normal episode but a really dangerous adventure and the doctor cuts it very fine and Graham, Yaz and Ryan and a whole planet come very close to dying. When they survive the Doctor asks so where to next and they all just want to go home so she drops them off and is sad about it. You then see her in different places alone that we’ve visited before (The Library before it was closed and other such places) and then she finally ends up in London and who does she happen to bump into Wilf! Who doesn’t recognise her at first but then sees the tardis and is like doctor want to have a cuppa and they have a heartfelt chat and he gives her some good advice that I haven’t thought of yet and mentions Donna a bit and it’s all a bit sad and the doctor give Wilf the tardis number. She returns to the tardis thinking about all the people recently and we get flashbacks to people that have come and gone and we see a tear fall off her nose and onto the tardis’ sensor things that can detect a place from an object. She then returns to Sheffield and the fam come back to her but as she’s about to go somewhere the tardis takes off with out her controlling it.

Episode 2: The fam arrive somewhere and the doctor is hella confused and so they go out and do all kind of scans and things but nothing is wrong and it’s very tense and scary. But then we go back to the tardis and we see River also looking very confused and rifling through her tardis diary and it’s not in there, she’s not supposed to see the doctor but she can’t help herself so she goes into the tardis bc of course she can. Then when the others get back you just hear her go Hello Sweetie. (I had also planned for River to pretend she doesn’t know which one of the fam the doctor is bc that would be hilarious but I’m not sure how that would work :/ ) And yeah and then the doctor goes river and almost choked up because “you shouldn’t be here, why can I see you and stuff” but also her wife!! And then river is like oooh you’ve changed, I like it (and possibly makes a comment about her having breasts and stuff and just being a little bit river) and they kiss bc of course. And then river asks so where are we because I can’t find it in here and the doctor goes I’m too far forward :’( and rivers like well let’s make the most of it. Then Graham is like hi and River is like oh Doctor you didn’t introduce your friends and so they meet and the doctor introduces river has her wife because they all cute and married. And so whilst river and the doctor are deciding where to go we see the fam talk like she’s married! And to a woman! What! And also Graham catches the fact that the doctor won’t see her again and is sad but yeah. Then they go on an adventure somewhere with river flying the tardis and it doesn’t make the noise and I haven’t worked out the rest of it but river and the doctor are fun and banterous and it’s great. Except for when they have to leave bc they really do :(((( and the Doctor is like goodbye but had gotten past river in the past few years because it’s been a while but still sad and rivers like I’ll see you soon and the doctors like yes you will but also slightly melancholy and won’t tell river why but it’s fine but it’s really not.

Episode 3: the fam go back to Earth bc there’s an alien attack back on the normal timeline and guess who they bump into - the one and only Martha Jones who is a spy/medic of some kind now UNIT is shut down. And Martha is shocked to see the doctor but also like doctor!!!!! Who she initially thinks is Ryan bc he’s the first one out of the tardis. And she’s like you’ve changed and then the doctor is like yes I really have and steps out. And then they sort the alien invasion out and Martha asks them round for tea and biscuits. And guess what Mickey and Martha have a kid!!!! (I haven’t worked out the specifics w that one but they do) and Mickey is a house husband/stay at home dad. And the kid is like dad dad it’s the tardis (bc of course they grew up on stories of the doctor) and mickeys like of course it is but then it actually is. And Martha’s like guess who decided to show up for tea. So they all have tea and the kid tells the fam about all the adventures and stuff and they’re like oh wow and Graham’s like yeah I remember that hospital disappearing it was wild. And yeah and the episodes ends all happily when they all get into the tardis (but so does the kid).

Episode 4: this is The Historical Episode™️ (I’m not sure when tho). But basically Mickey and Martha’s kid seeks onto the Tardis and is like wow but the doctor doesn’t see them and so they go somewhere, leave and then the kid sneaks off in the past and then ends up getting into trouble w the aliens that are there bc of course. The doctor saves the day and returns the kid to Martha and Mickey a few seconds after they’d left and is like this one snuck aboard but no worries nothing happened. But then it finishes w Mickey getting a call from a teacher saying that the kid is acting up in history saying all these things about x time period that aren’t true and refuses to change their mind.

Episode 5: normal episode w some fun thing going on in space and yeah :) then yas and the doctor talk about Mickey and Martha and why she never visits them and the doctor says it hurts too much to see what I did to them. Martha used to be a nurse, a healer but look at her now a gun in her hand always fighting. I did that to her and I’ll never ever forgot it because I can’t do that to more ppl. And they hug and it’s cute and yeah.

Episode 6: The doctor is by herself for a bit when the phone rings. Confused she answers. It’s Wilf he’s raving about Donna and how she remembers and somethings wrong it’s not working the memory block. The doctor is there immediately bc Donna!!! And so she’s about to put the memory block back on (What happened was the last attack where the doctor and Martha met she saw the tardis and it all started coming back to her. Basically a big flashback scene is necessary where we see Donna see the tardis. Nothing happens but then we flash to later and Donna’s asking her mum if she had knew a good doctor, her mum asks why are u ill? And Donnas like no reason. We then see her googling aliens and daleks and planets and blue boxes. She finds a picture of the Tardis and it’s like a damm has been lifted and that’s when Wilf calls the doctor. Donna can barely function bc she’s collapsing bc of being part time lord part human and is literally passed out on her bed and the doctor comes in to wipe her memory and sees the stuff around her room and is like wait she’s right if I do this it could stabilise her for a bit if she’s hooked up to the tardis core and maybe something else will work so she moves Donna into the tardis and gets to work. Wilf keeps an eye on Donna and keeps hurrying up the doctor bc Donna is fading and fading fast. They manage it just about and Donna wakes up herself and is like “You! You idiot why couldn’t you think of this the first time!” And the doctor laughs bc Donna’s back. And then donnas like hold on a second since when were u a woman? And the doctor catches her up on bits and pieces but is like this solution won’t last, I’m going to have to wipe your memory again soon. But Donnas like you always were a bit on the thick space boy and the doctor says Oi! And then they banter and talk weird sciencey time lord stuff about regeneration energy and is there a way to extract it. And it turns out there is but they have to go lots of places to get the pieces for the extractor. So we get some witty Donna Doctor banter. And Donna flies the tardis for a bit. But then they need somewhere to put the regeneration energy so they’re like hmm and donnas like doctor you need to cut off a body part. And the doctor complains bc that hurt a lot last time but it has to be done bc the regeneration energy needs to go somewhere. I have yet to work out which body part. Unfortunately tho the extraction of the regeneration energy means that Donna can’t go anywhere near regeneration energy so can’t go anywhere with the doctor once it’s done and it’s sad and they have a heartfelt goodbye :(

And that is all that I came up with but there could probably be more non nostalgic ones. And maybe have one with James Corden bc The Lodger and Closing Time were lots of fun. But yeah that’s my nostalgic doctor who ideas for a series. Enjoy :)

[imagine-wannaone]

Lee Daehwi Super Powers Au

Waddup So this was written yesterday and idk whether to do a powers au so I guess this is just a try??

In other news I got Seventeens new album for my bday today and got The8 i am blessed. Anywhere, here we go. also pls tell me if I need to tag any triggers, I’m not great at this stuff whoops.

 • Lemme get one thing straight, you didn’t want to use your ability for bad,  • It just kinda happened that you became a theif,  • You were trapped,  • You were a teen when you got dragged into a whole mess of a gang, when you went to take out a loan to pay for treatment for your brother’s illness,  • Because your brother was the most important thing to you but your family couldn’t afford his treatment,  • But you didn’t realise the loan company was actually kinda not a company and you had just officially ruined your life,

 • With gastronomic Interest, you had to pay them back the money with no way of being able to do it,  • Read the small print y'all,  • So they offered you another option: you hated it but there was no other way to help your brother, and they threatened to cut your brother’s treatment if you stepped out of line,  • And in a world made with certain people who had abilities, they made sure to utilize yours,  • Aka the ability to change your appearance and voice to fit it,  • They had you as a thief, and with your skill and ability you quickly became notorious around the city,  • Which made you extremely paranoid, causing you to constantly switch appearances,  • I don’t mean switching looks every minute or something bizarre,  • I mean you never showed your true appearance anymore, you were always someone else and started to panic at the thought of people seeing the real you,  • So you stayed in your place by day planning heists the gang had sent you to do, and went on the missions by night,  • And you hated everything about the way you lived, but you knew your brother was getting better, so you kept at it,  • The gang sent you a particularly dangerous heist one night, and you did not think it was a wise idea at all,  • Like there were shit tonnes of guards and cameras and the switch overs were smooth and the codes hard to crack,  • As a thief, you were known to be able to go in and out before anyone would even realise anything was gone, shifting into guards or ceo’s or customers,  • And you trained your ability to perfection, having no flaws in your transformation and being able to quickly switch features,  • A master™  • But you plan this near impossible heist anyway because you have to, you have everything to lose,  • And while bits of the heist are a bit by chance or freestyle,  • You hate yourself for being quite confidant, as always,  • But heists had started going wrong lately,  • A guard unconvinced and almost omniscient,  • Or the whole place closed for a day as if they already knew,  • Little things going wrong preventing the heists and causing them to go wrong,  • You didn’t know how because they were all planned to perfection, but something was happening,  • You heard whispers of a mole but no one ever told you anything so you had no idea really,  • So you’re dropped off by the usual gruff looking men who are going to wait down the street, safe for them,  • You where dressed as a medium height middle aged woman with brown hair, trying to blend in with the people around you,

 • Like a chameleon damn,  • You float into the bank and act naturally, milling around the atm’s and looking at posters,  • A boy around your actual age seems to keep glancing at you, which sets your nerves off,  • Not only is he cute, it’d be insanely weird for someone his age to be staring at a middle aged lady,  • You try to sway away from his prying eyes and keep your heart at normal pace and prevent your hands shaking,  • You always got nerves before a heist and this dude really wasn’t helping,  • At all,  • Smh doesn’t he know it’s rude to stare?  • You’re nearly set on going over there and telling him yourself, but with your ‘can I see the manager’ hair style you play your role and send him a disapproving mum glare and shake you head, moving on,  • Perfect, v realistic,  • But the dude doesn’t stop sending u shady side eyes, so you decide to get the hell on with it,  • So your eyes scan the floor before slipping into a side door,  • Smooth as always, might I add,  • You change your appearance quickly into a guard and take out a hand mirror quickly to check that you’re perfect,  • Indeed you are perfect,

 •You were about to take off down the hall when the door slides open again,  • You’re about to get into character when the boy from earlier locks eyes with you and lunges,  • You dodge as quick as a whippet and a fight™ ensues,  • You can tell idk how to write a fight omg,  • DW I’ll get better,  • You’re both incredibly good to the point you defo know this ain’t just a usual kid who’s taken some martial arts classes,  • Because as soon as you dodge one punch and throw your own, he’s dodged that and is launching another assault with a knee or elbow,

 • He keeps saying something along the line of 'Stop I’m trying to help’ but you ain’t buying no shady nonsense,  • And you’re both getting pretty beaten, bruises and small cuts appearing, a bloody nose or a broken finger,  • But shit really hits the fan when a guard comes round the corner and then you’re both in for it,  • You’re internally having a meltdown you’ve never had to deal with this before,  • And then your tryna fight the boy and the guards and - shit,  • A bullet grazes your leg but it instantly burns and shocks you to hell,  • Your appearance flickers before returning to the middle aged lady aka the wrong disguise, who0ps,  • Your leg burns and the shock throws you off balance long enough for the boy to wrap an arm around your shoulder and have you against a wall in a second,  • You’re about to swing your leg back to hit him when chloroform and damn you’re out cold,  • Actually outraged in your knocked out state,  • Who DaRe?  • Like you don’t blame them, you’re a damn thief, tbh you’d probs knock yourself out if you were in their situation,  • but hOw DaRe tHey?  • And you’re defo worried about who just chloroformed you but whatever,  • Idek if you can think all this while passed out but you find a way,  • You wake up with someone’s hand on your forehead and you stay still, trying to gather your bearings and figure stuff out before you let them know you’re awake,  • I mean the hand thing is so weird but you deal with it you til you gather that your head’s also in someone’s lap and your skin is tingling and you decide this is very weird,  • I mean not a hard conclusion to come to but a conclusion all the same,  • You slowly open one eye and wow,  • Bright lights,  • But you soldier through it and stare straight ahead at the face of the boy ahead of you,  • You’re about to jump out of your skin but the boys eyes are closed and he looks so peaceful with flawless skin and a slight frown, his brow creased in concentration,  • And then you realise your leg doesn’t burn and your hand and knuckles don’t scream like they did before you dropped,  • And you realise he’s someone like you, he’s a healer,  • And it makes your heart fly with joy, you’ve found someone else with an ability and all of a sudden you feel safer,  • Especially because he’s a healer,  • But then your eyes trail to your arm and your body and all the safety is thrown away,  • You have no disguise, no fake face or fake voice; it’s purely you and it makes you dizzy and sick,  • He must sense your panic because his eyes crack open and he smiles widely at you, removing his hand from your forehead,  • Wow his smile settles your heart and warms your cheeks,  • A million questions run through your foggy brain, where are we and what happened? Who is he and why is he so cute? Where’s the boy from before and what’s going to happen when your former gang know you’re not with them?  • “Y/N, right? I’m Daehwi, and give me a sec and I’ll tell you all the gossip,”  • While his soft voice is calming when you sit up, a wave of dizziness hits you like a wrecking ball ridden by Miley cirus  • (Wow my pop culture references about 5 years too late),  •But despite your swimming head you quickly change your skin, opting for the first thing you can think of, which happens to be Daehwi,  • You change your hair quickly and alter your face and body to match his within seconds,  • You’re kinda embarrassed that you just changed into him but you’re panicking,  • While the boy next to you may have seen your face, you’d prefer if no one else would,  • “That’s increadible,”  • The look on Daehwi’s face, as well has his bubbly laugh, makes you flush but you’re heart is still beating a mile a minute and your chest feels a little too tight,  • “While that’s really cool, and I’m really flattered, I thought your natural face was much prettier,”  • Your face (or is it Daehwi’s?) blushes violently at the comment but the fact you don’t look like yourself calms you a little,  • “A healer, then?”  • You ask simply to change the subject, although it’s pretty obvious at this point,  • “Yep, not one of the coolest abilities but pretty handy. You’re obviously a shape shifter, damn the whole city knows you’re a shape shifter, but seeing it myself, damn, it’s way cooler than I thought”  • He talks in such a laid back manner, leaning back onto his hands, his whole presence relaxing,  • He really suits his ability,  • “I think healing’s the best ability, you get to help,”  • Your voice is quiet but your words are the truth, and you can see Daehwi’s about to reply when the door swings open and the boy from earlier wonders in, doing a double take at the two Daehwi’s sat on the bed and sighing before dropping down into a nearby chair,  • He’s hardly met you and he’s already done with your shit lmao,  • But you’re eyeing him suspiciously because this guy FRICKEN chloroformed you and you still have no answers as to what the hell is going when he launched into a Hella Long explanation,  • To put it simply,

 • Daehwi and the boy, Guanlin, are part of an organisation that rescue abilities from sticky situations and tries to stop the people with abilities for using them nastily,  • (Avengers who?)  • There was indeed a mole in your gang as they planned to rescue you whilst intercepting a heist of yours,  • They didn’t expect you to fight so defiantly back but I mean,  • So then you explain that you’re really not nasty, I mean you used to put milk in before your cereal but yOu’vE cHanGeD,  • You explain your situation and they agreed  that they’ll see what they can do for your brother and you feel like you might cry because this is too good to be true,  • Half convinced this is some awful experiment or teasing you,  • So you spend a few days in the room you wake up in, just in case, in which you discover is actually Daehwi’s room,  • Which is kinda awkward,  • But you honestly can’t ask for a better first friend in the base they have there,  • Daehwi is oh so patient, painfully so, encouraging you to take your time and helps introduce you to the many people in the base, most of which have powers themselves which blows your mind a little

 • You’ve never seen so many abilities,  • And it takes you a while to trust Guanlin, but as soon as you do you realise he’s just a goof and you apologise endlessly for hurting him,  • And you start helping out at the base, doing small missions to help others by using your ability,  • And it feels good,  • Especially when you can come back to Daehwi at the end of the day and laugh and relax into the night,  • And you visit your brother for a very emotional reunion and he’s getting better and life just seems to be good,

 • And in the middle of it all is Daehwi, who you would trust with your life,  • I mean he is a healer many people trust him with their lives,

 • So you’re sat in his room (or your now shared one - you refuse to sleep anywhere else, feeling unsafe) chatting into the night,  • When you both reach a lull in conversation,  • “Y/N, why do you never walk, or sleep, or eat, or live in your normal skin?”  • The question is so out of the blue that your eyes snap to his,  • Which rest on you,  • They always rest on you,  • And you try to figure out a way to say it without feeling stupid,  • Because in your mind it is a whole concept and fear, but there aren’t enough words to describe how you feel, and to condense your thoughts into words belittles them endlessly,  • “It’s scary, showing your true self. I used to fear people would recognise me and arrest me, for being a thief, but nowadays it’s almost as if I don’t trust people enough. Enough to see my face,”  • You pick your words carefully but still feel as if it’s a weak excuse,  • “You don’t trust me, y/n?”  • His words shock you, make you question yourself, and you look into those soft, open eyes and brace yourself,  •You know he’s right as you relax, completely relax for the first time in years, letting all of your facade melt away to show your true skin, your true eyes, your true being,  • And there’s something in Daehwi’s eyes that you love as he looks at your pure self,

 • You feel insanely exposed but Daehwi himself settles you,  • And you know you no longer need to hide yourself from Daehwi anymore when he leans over, wrapping an arm around your real hips,  • Cups the back of your head,  • And gently smiles and he places his lips on your real ones,

[sicklylittlesnowflake]

Hi! Could u write a fic where Lance is asthmatic and catches a cold that's been passed through the team? They got over it quickly, but it hits Lance really hard. Everyone thinks he's exaggerating for sympathy so they ignore him. Lance tries to take care of himself but it turns into a bad chest infection. When he shows up to a meeting all feverish and wheezy and coughing nonstop, the team finally realize something's wrong

(wOW I love this prompt?? Like this was lower down on my to do list but I brought it up because of s3 and the hype and also I couldn’t wait to write it..this is so good thanks anon!! sorry if this is medically inaccurate!!)

Lance’s space adventures taught him many things, but one of the many things he had definitely learnt was that he didn’t know a lot of things. The universe was far more vast, diverse and complicated than he could ever had fathomed, and at times Lance questioned everything he once knew.

One thing he still knew for sure, is that he was extremely adaptable.

If Lance was part of the X Men (which in his opinion, was just as cool as flying a robotic lion), he was definitely Darwin. He adjusted pretty well to the Garrison, despite being many miles away from the family he loved very deeply. Things were constantly tossed and yanked away from him, and he bounced back pretty quick.

It wasn’t easy, definitely, but Lance worked hard and put a 100% in everything he did. Of course he still felt he wasn’t good enough, and that he could work into being more, but he could be slightly assured that what he had done was all he could have in that moment in time. It was one of the only things he prided himself in and held dear to his identity.

Lance constantly had a flaming passion, this fiery desire burning in his heart to be a hero and to do good for others. He wanted to look out for the little guy, inspired by his young nephews and nieces to be the guy that people wanted to look up to. Hope that people would turn to in the darkest of times. He had promised his family he would always be protecting them from harm, and he vowed to himself to do all in his power to do so.

But of course, he had to work through trials and tribulations. Life was not easy, and not everything he wanted could necessarily be what he got, but he’d try.

One of the obstacles he faced in his journey was asthma.

He’d had it for as long as he could remember, and it was a irritating when it interrupted his daily life, but since he’d always had it it was pretty normal for him. Sure, it weakened his immune system, made illnesses hit him a little harder than the average, make him carry around inhalers everywhere and be a little more careful and cautious than everyone else, but Lance would not let it get in the way of his dreams and not let it hold him back from doing what he wanted.

His family knew what triggered it the most, kept the house clean constantly, carried around inhalers themselves just in case Lance forgot, and always remembered to replace inhalers. When he moved to the Garrison, Hunk became like his family and was the only one who knew about it, but he was more than enough. Hunk helped him when he had attacks, taking it upon himself to educate himself more so he could give Lance a hand. With someone as lovely as Hunk by his side, it was a minor inconvenience, at most.

It was indeed proven as a minor inconvenience when a small cold spread across the five Paladins.

It had started with Pidge, who had passed it onto Hunk, who had passed it to Shiro, who passed it to Keith.

At most it was only a very slight fever topped with a few coughing and sneezing fits, increased drowsiness and fatigue, scratchy throats. The Paladins were grumpy and exhausted, but it wasn’t anything to be worried about. It was such a minor inconvenience to the team that Hunk was sent on a solo mission by the time Keith received the cold.

Despite the fact that the cold was so minor and something that could have been cured with a day to twos rest and some soup, Lance took it upon himself to take care of Keith. He checked up on him every hour, forgetting that he had a weaker immune system. Of course, Lance was last to receive the virus. On the day Hunk left for the solo mission, no less.

Lance woke up feeling extremely groggy and weak to the bone, intense heat radiating off his body, but yet trembling with the cold. He barely managed to open his eyes, which were heavy and burning slightly, but his vision managed to focus enough for him to check his clock. He had five minutes before his alarm would go off.

Lance let out a delighted, but tired noise and shut his eyes, pulling the blankets tight against his skin so he could insulate his body heat. He snuggled against one of his pillows and was lulled back to sleep in record breaking time.

However his five minute sleep had lasted far longer than he had expected.

When Lance finally woke up again, he woke to an obviously loud ringing of his alarm. He hissed at the irritating, headache inducing sound and sat up groggily, rubbing at his aching temple. His eyes scanned over to his alarm clock and froze as he realised it was a whole 25 minutes after his regular waking time.

Lance gasped softly, about to throw himself off bed when he began to cough violently. The sound that released from his lungs awfully congested and phlegmy, causing a light wheeze to sound out from his chest. He gasped for air, managing to cough enough so he wouldn’t choke.

Lance breathed in heavily, getting out of bed and quickly changing into his clothes before running out of his bedroom, despite his lungs begging and pleading for him to stop. They were still recovering from his past fit, and needed a bit of time to recover from it and certainly did not appreciate Lance’s sprinting.

Lance tried to ignore the thought in his head that was telling him none of the other Paladins cough’s sounded that horrible.

“Nice of you to join us,” Keith commented, not looking up as he heard the door sliding open.

Lance opened his mouth, probably about to shoot back a snide remark but instead, took a sharp inhale and sneezed ticklishly twice.

Shiro frowned, giving Lance a sympathetic smile, “I guess you weren’t immune to this after all.”

Lance rubbed his nose on his sleeve weakly, shaking his head, “Im fine, just a morning snee–”

He cut himself off with two more forceful, congested sneezes.

Keith looked over at Lance, a look of guilt momentarily washing over his features. He looked away defensively, curling up within himself in what seemed to be shame, “C-cover your mouth when you sneeze, Lance.”

Lance rolled his eyes, too tired to respond to Keith so sat down on one of the couches. He looked glum and exhausted, curling up, shivering ever so slightly.

“Oh c'mon Keith, cut him some slack, he’s sneezing because he looked after you,” Pidge insisted, focused on something on her computer.

Keith flushed, crossing his arms and refusing to meet Lance’s eyes, defensive and guilty, “I didn’t ask for him to look after me!”

When Lance didn’t respond, only coughing harshly into his sleeve, the sound awfully chesty and wet, Keith felt even worse.

“L-look, Lance, it was nice and stuff, but it was stupid. I didn’t need the help,” Keith said, completely flustered.

Shiro sighed, “What’s done is done. Lance is sick now. Nothing we can do about that.”

“You’ll get over it in like a day, Lance, you’ll be fine. Honestly, it’s not anything worth fussing over. You don’t even have to stay in bed or anything, so I wouldn’t worry or anything,” Pidge reassured, looking up at Lance kindly.

Lance offered a small, weak smile back at her. He couldn’t quite shake the feeling that she was wrong. As the seconds went by he became even more convinced that Pidge was in fact very wrong, and that this wasn’t something that would fly by easily.

His chest felt extremely heavy, and there was a blockage in his airways that made it hard to breathe. He could practically feel some congestion and mucus building up inside him, a light wheeze every time he exhaled.

Lance coughed harshly again, his chest burning with a fiery blaze every time he did. His entire body was racked by his coughing, tears streaming down his eyes as he continued to mercilessly hack. He let out one final, strangled cough and slumped back against the couch, head spinning in circles as the world rotated violently. He breathed in heavily, basically gasping for air as his body desperately replenished itself with much needed oxygen.

Pidge was undeniably one of the most intelligent people Lance knew, but in this moment he was certain she was wrong. This was not going to be a good day.

Everyone was pretty easy on Lance that day, assigning him simple jobs while the rest of them continued to navigate and intensely plan away. It was a pretty easy-going, laid back da for him, but even the simplest, most easy jobs took a toll on Lance.

In fact Lance was extremely frustrated, because most of the Paladins had been able to do simple jobs easily while they were ill. Why couldn’t he?

He knew it was because of the asthma messing up his lungs, but he was frustrated nonetheless.

His chest felt extremely heavy, his wheezing even more noticeable as the day went on. He started to feel stifled and restrained, as if someone was squeezing at his chest and preventing him from breathing. It was so difficult to breathe at a steady pace and his body was not receiving the amount of oxygen that it needed. He felt completely drained and void of energy, head furiously pounding. He felt extremely faint, nauseous and weak. Not to mention warm yet freezing with a fever that had began to worsen.

Allura was explaining a mission that they were expecting to take on soon to Lance a rather simple one, but Lance could not hear her at all. He felt too sapped and drained that his body simply was no longer functioning.

“Lance, do you hear me?” She asked, very convinced that he hadn’t.

Lance sniffled softly, trying to keep his drooping lids open as he let out yet another cough, and croaked, “Sorry, princess, I didn’t.”

Allura sighed in exasperation, clearly exhausted by today, having exerted herself because they were short one and a half Paladins, “I have to explain again.”

Lance looked genuinely guilty, his voice raspy and sounding like his vocal chords had just been viciously burned and strangled, speaking straining his throat greatly, like a dagger slicing his throat as he spoke, “Im sorry. I just feel really sick.”

Shiro sighed softly, “We know Lance.”

Lance frowned, feeling a little off and extra sensitive from his fever, curling up in his seat pathetically as he shivered violently, “I  feel so awful..this really sucks you guys..”

Pidge spared him a glance, genuinely feeling really sorry for him but feeling a little cranky from the intensity of today, “Yeah Lance, it really does, we all know. We had it. It really isn’t so bad, i promise.”

Keith nodded, "We are sorry Lance, but we do need to continue on and work. We don’t have time for this at the moment. We really need to focus on this right now.”

Lance felt a pang in his heart, his entire demeanour declining. He nodded guiltily, his fever heightening his sensitivity. Realistically, the Paladins and he were just seriously misunderstanding and didn’t mean to be dismissive. Hell, if they knew Lance had asthma and felt this sick none of them would ever act like this, but Lance’s fever made him extra sensitive so he withdrew and hid away.

Lance overexerted himself the next few days, trying to work to an efficient standard to the best of his ability. He tried to push past his illness and elect to ignore it, ignoring the inclining fever and how the wheezing had intensified every time he breathed. He tried to ignore the violent coughing fits that completely took over him, the congested hacking that had him buckling at the knees and shaking violently, and the phlegm he had to spit out and the strange colour, and the odd discolouration.

His friends had helped, bringing him blankets when he worked and making him herbal tea, sending him off to bed earlier than the rest of them, excusing him from training and the like. But Lance downgraded the true extent of his illness, but the Paladins were a little wary of the fact Lance was sick longer than they had. For the most part he took care of himself, discreetly taking his inhaler when no one was looking and taking medicine to himself, making himself soup and drinking lots of water.

Lance kept his symptoms bottled up, ignoring how his chest felt like it was on fire and how his entire body became ablaze with pain every time he coughed. His chest felt tight and restricted his breathing, leaving him in a constant faint state, leaving him detached and derealised from his reality and friends. He didn’t even feel like a real person.

All this kept building up, until his bottle couldn’t handle anymore material and it eventually burst.

Everything came crashing down on the day Hunk returned. Everyone had come to greet him as the yellow lion mounted back onto the Castle, save for Lance.

He hadn’t even heard Coran announcing Hunk’s return, simply engulfed by his blazing fever as he struggled to get out of bed, fiercely sweating into his sheets and trying to find the willpower to get out of bed. His head hurt with such an enormous intensity that he wanted to cry out with how much it hurt. He’d clenched his teeth so tightly to try and subside the pain, desperately clawing at his head to try and stop the gnawing hurt in his head.

He then heard speaking over the intercom calling him for a meeting, and somehow Lance mustered the last slivers of his strength to get out of his bed. As he did the world spun violently, like he was on an intense amusement park ride. He groaned as he tried to keep himself from falling, as every time he walked he was shaking, knees threatening to buckle and give out on him. Lance pulled his jacket on and zipped it up, pulling his sleeves over his hands to mask as gloves.

As he staggered over to the bridge, his chest felt incredibly tight and constricted, feeling suffocated and smothered. He could barely breathe, his breathing so short and shallow only a minuscule amount of oxygen could enter his body at a time, leaving him feel very faint and weak. He could hear a loud wheezing from his chest as sweat dripped down his face.

Lance didn’t know how he made it to the Bridge, but he did. The doors slid open and Hunk beamed.

“Lance! I–” Hunk’s face dropped, his face growing into extreme worry in a millisecond as he gasped.

“Oh my god Lance!” He yelped, rushing towards his side.

Everyone else aboard whipped their heads around to see the commotion, all their mouths dropping open as they took in Lance’s ghastly appearance. He was horribly pale, dark circles underneath his eyes and he shivered intensely, looking like a zombie from those films that Lance very much loved. But as much as Lance enjoyed good zombie media, they all knew Lance didn’t want to become one.

“Oh my god!” Pidge exclaimed in shock, completely frozen in place, genuinely scared that her dear friend was dying.

“Lance!” Shiro yelled, angry that all this had happened under his nose.

Hunk pressed the back of his hand against Lance’s cheek, eyes widening at the intense heat coming off it. His concern was only further worsened as he began to hear wheezing coming from Lance.

Lance began to cough violently, entire frame taken over and racked with the congested, strangled explosions. His vocal chords strained each time he coughed, muscles being pulled fiercely and mercilessly. The extravaganza of the whole ordeal had Lance’s legs giving out on him, leeching him off the tiniest sliver of energy remained in him. He could no longer support himself, knees buckling and soon enough he was on the floor, continuing to hack his lungs out.

Everyone was frozen, completely stunned and at shock.

Suddenly, a strangled yell sounded out.

“Well don’t just stand there!” Keith yelled, running towards Lance and hitting his back, while Hunk sprinted for an inhaler, Shiro running for a glass of water and the remaining three running to prepare medicine and the medbay.

Keith kneeled down to Lance and rubbed his back as he continued to cough, whispering reassuring, soft words into his ear. His freehand stroked through Lance’s brown hair soothingly and reassuringly.

Lance spit out some phlegm, slightly tinged with a bit of blood.

“Oh Lance..” Keith muttered worriedly, letting Lance exhaustedly rest his head on his shoulder, breathing heavily and gasping for air.

“You’re going to be okay, buddy, I promise you, just hang on a little bit,” Keith whispered soothingly, continuing to twiddle with his hair.

Hunk burst back into the room and pressed the inhaler to Lance’s lips, watching as the boy visibly relaxed as the medicine entered his system.

“I didn’t know he was..” Keith said guilty.

Hunk smiled at him kindly and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Well know you know.”

Shiro returned with a glass of water, which Lance gulped down gratefully.

Soon enough, Pidge had returned.

“The medbay is ready for him now, do you guys know what’s wrong?” She said worriedly.

“I think it’s a chest infection,” Hunk said worriedly.

Shiro gave them all a reassuring look, “He will be just fine, Lance is tough.”

Keith didn’t look too convinced, still clearly shaken, but managed to stand up and pick Lance up into his arms, cradling him gently, beginning to walk towards Medbay.

“Keith?” Lance slurred feverishly.

“Yes?” Keith said shakily.

“I feel a little sick.”

Keith couldn’t help the shaky smile creeping onto his lips, “Solid observation, there, buddy.”

Lance woke up a few hours later, feeling a lot better but still a little out of it and generally unwell.

His eyes focused enough so that he could see Keith sitting down on a chair next to him, lightly nodding off.

“Keith?” Lance croaked out.

Keith woke instantaneously, unable to hide how his face lit up when he saw Lance awake. He couldn’t help the soft smile spreading across his lips.

“Oh god, Lance, you’re okay,” Keith breathed out.

Lance managed a husky chuckle, “Yeah, I guess dude.”

Keith’s face darkened slightly, “I’m so sorry.”

Lance’s face scrunched in confusion, “Huh?”

“..This is all my fault.”

“What are you talking about?”

Keith looked away guiltily, biting at his lip, “..You got sick because of me. You’re here because of me, and I didn’t even notice you became so bad.”

There was a long silence, and tears began to prick at Keith’s eyes.

“Hey man,” Lance pressed, “Stop this emo crap. I wanted to take care of you. I care about you, in case you didn’t know. I knew there were consequences, but I made a choice and I still stand by it.”

Keith chuckled shakily, looking up at Lance and unable to stop himself from grinning ear to ear. It was a good look on him.

Suddenly Keith leaned in and pressed a kiss against Lance’s lips, a spark of passion igniting in his body. He felt a mix of the cozy warmth of a fire on a cold winter’s night, and the cool summer breeze against his hair on a hot summer’s day. Keith felt firm, but yet sweet and soft, loving. The perfect combination of fire and ice.

Keith pulled away, despite Lance wishing against everything he never would, blushing hard, “I’m sorry.”

Lance smirked, “For what?”

“I don’t really know,” Keith giggled.

Keith tried to suppress the dorky grin spreading across his features, rubbing his neck, “Uh, I should tell the others you’re awake..um..let’s not tell anyone about this..for now, okay?”

Lance giggled, “Okay.”

They would all find out eventually.

[geekprincess26]

The Snow: Chapter 14

Summary: Sansa Stark thought she was well rid of Jon Snow. Then an untimely blizzard reunited them. Now Sansa wants out, and Jon just wants to explain.

Previous chapters can be found here on my blog and here on AO3.

It took the consecutive slams of the Escalade’s two front doors to jar Sansa Stark’s eyes open.  The vehicle’s windows were tinted, and Sansa could not get so much as a glimpse of Jon, though she squinted and held a desperate hand to her forehead to block the glare of the sunlight reflecting off the snow around her.

Not a minute ago, Jon had held her in his arms as gently as if she’d been his gram’s vase, and had kissed her more gently still.  For a moment, she had been surrounded by his heat and his evergreen scent and his hands and his lips.  For a moment, she had been transported back to their house in London, where Jon used to hold her and kiss her every day and make love to her nearly as often and neither the divorce nor the ugly years since had blighted their lives.

Now he was gone, and now Sansa’s thumb was rubbing the spot on her forehead where Jon’s lips had rested.

“Sansa.”

Sansa watched the Escalade’s taillights disappear out of view before she turned to face Brienne Tarth’s piercing gaze.

“What happened to your elbow?” she asked with a slight nod toward Sansa’s injured limb.  She looked as though she wanted to say more, but contented herself with, “You’ve been favoring it since you got out of that car.”

Sansa sighed.  “I banged it on the seat of Jon’s car,” she said.  “Tormund was swerving to avoid the paps, and my seat belt wasn’t fastened completely, so I fell out of the seat.”

Brienne pursed her lips.  “And that’s the man who drove you all the way from York?”

Sansa grimaced.  Where distrust of anyone with whom he client had contact was concerned, Brienne could get even testier than Catelyn Stark.  

“Yes,” she replied.  “There were almost forty paps, Brienne.  He had to avoid them somehow.”

Brienne sighed.  “How bad is it?” she asked, nodding once again toward Sansa’s elbow.

Sansa shrugged.  “Probably just a bad bruise,” she said.  Brienne shook her head.

“Best get you to a doctor to make sure,” she said.  Sansa thought it was best too, partly because it would get Brienne off her back, but she could not help rolling her eyes.

“You’re almost as bad as Jon,” she said as the older woman waved Dacey off and opened the passenger door of her Lexus for Sansa.  

“At what?” Brienne’s eyes narrowed.  Sansa sighed.  Right.  She had forgotten that her guard, along with almost everyone else she knew, still thought of Jon as an unfaithful, untrustworthy git.

“Worrying,” she said quietly, training her eyes on the road ahead of them.  “He did it almost the whole time I was there.”

“He worried?”  Brienne sounded as though she wanted to ask the doctor to scan Sansa’s brain as well as her elbow.

“Yes,” Sansa replied, still staring at the road.  “He was always worrying.”  She bit her lip.  “He – ”  A lump appeared in her throat, and Sansa bit her lip harder.  A simple fact, she thought, should not cost so much effort to speak.  But the longer she waited to speak it, the less chance it had of escaping, of being known by more than just her and Jon.

There.  Just think of it as an obvious fact.  Brienne has blonde hair.  The sun is shining.  Jon was wearing a black T-shirt this morning.

Jon didn’t cheat.  Jon didn’t lie.

“He was right.”  Sansa sighed and willed her throat to squeeze out something more.  “I was wrong.”  And more.

“He didn’t cheat.”  Her voice was so low, she could barely hear herself speak.  “He worried because he’s – that’s what he’s always done with me.”  Now that she thought of it, she could not come up with a better reason than that, although God knew he’d worried far too much considering they’d spent the last three years apart because of her; but Sansa could not think of why else he would, and she certainly could not explain it to Brienne.  “Because he’s the same person he always was, and not a cheating dick.”

Brienne raised her eyebrows.  “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice softer than Sansa had ever heard it.  Tears sprang into Sansa’s eyes, and she turned her head away.

“It’s nothing you did,” she replied.  “It was my fault, really.”

Brienne drew in a breath, but the words Sansa expected never came.  Instead, her guard fell silent, which Sansa preferred anyway.  Every word she’d spoken had drained her energy, and now, after fewer than two dozen, she was exhausted.

She leaned her head against the window, rolled the hood of her coat between her hair and the cold glass, and closed her eyes.  She did not open them until Brienne shook her gently by the shoulder and informed her that she had slept all the way to the doctor’s office in Leeds.

As Sansa had hoped, the X-rays the physician took showed no broken bones.  She left the office with a bottle of painkillers and strict orders to bathe her affected elbow with ice water every hour.  By the time Brienne and Dacey had left Sansa’s flat, however, she felt even more tired than she had during the trip to Leeds.  She stayed awake long enough to text her mother, Margaery, Hannah, and Myranda to let them know she’d arrived safely back in Leeds.

Going to bed early, she added at the close of each message.  Talk to you tomorrow.

She hesitated a bit longer over her text to Jon.  Eventually she decided on Home OK.  Dr says elbow fine.  Thank you.  She chewed her lip for a few moments before adding very much and then for everything before she sent the message.

She filled a bowl with ice and cold water and carried it with a towel to one of the end tables by her couch so she could dip her elbow into it.  No sooner had she set both items down than her phone buzzed with a message from Jon.

Glad 2 hear it.

Three dots blinked in a gray bubble across the left-hand side of her screen.  Sansa plunged her elbow into the bowl and yelped when her skin made contact with the freezing mix of ice and water.  She gritted her teeth and pushed her elbow all the way in, then grabbed her phone again to set the timer.  No sooner had she done so than Jon’s next message popped up on her screen.

I forgot to give you the brooch.  I’m sorry.  Can bring it 2 you if you want.

Sansa blinked.  She’d completely forgotten about the brooch.  Guilt twisted her stomach.

I should have remembered, she typed back.  I’m sorry.  Don’t need to come all the way here.  We can meet later.

She hit the send button and sighed.  That probably sounded like a brush-off.  She should know better than to try texting anything of much substance when she was this tired and holding back screams over her quickly-freezing elbow.

I’m in London @Bridge next month, she typed.  Maybe meet then?

Jon replied at once.  Sure.  You can pick a day.

Will let u know, Sansa replied.  Good night.

She hit the send key, but her thumb slid over and the message sat still on the composition screen.  Sansa bit her lip again and added his name to the end of the message.

Good night Jon, read the green bubble with her sent message in it.

Night, popped up beneath it.  Sansa stared at the screen for a few moments, then put down her phone.  She should have remembered that Jon had never been the type to use three words where one would do.  Still, it was just one word.  One word for all the illness, fighting, misery, miscommunication, and even friendship they’d been through together over the past week.  Maybe Jon was just glad to return to the peace and quiet he loved so much.

How could she argue with that, after all she had done?  Even if she’d thought he might have more than one word after the way he’d kissed her when they’d said goodbye that afternoon?

Sansa sighed, leaned her head back against the couch, and begged her timer to speed the hell up.  Her traitorous fingers spent the entire time ghosting over her forehead.

Eventually the timer did go off.  Sansa snatched her fingers from her forehead and her elbow out of the bowl, dumped the contents into the kitchen sink, and headed off to her bedroom.

She was bloody exhausted.

When she woke up a few hours later, she visited the bathroom and settled back into bed.  It was so quiet, Sansa could have heard a pin drop.

It was far too quiet, so quiet that Sansa turned over in bed several times just to break the stillness.  She realized with a start that she’d gotten accustomed to the ventilation system and the dishwasher and the fans and the faint sounds of Pink Floyd from Jon’s apartment.  She’d even gotten used to the hum of the toilet tank in the bathroom next to the bedroom she’d occupied there.

She’d slept better over the past few nights, ever since Jon had recovered from his fever, than she’d slept in years, probably since before the divorce.  Back when she’d still been able to curl herself up against Jon’s warm body and fall asleep to the low, steady beat of his heart.  Maybe – she felt her face growing red – maybe that explained why she’d slept so peacefully the morning she’d returned to his flat from the café and he’d carried her to his couch and cradled her in his arms.  Arms she very much missed at the moment.  Arms she could have had around her for the past three years, had she not been such a blindingly brainless ball of idiocy.  

Arms she missed, even now.  Especially now.

Her body clearly agreed, because it fell asleep only to wake up again and again.  

So did her mind, because every time she woke up, it chanted the same things over and over and over.

Jon never cheated.

Jon never lied.

Jon didn’t throw me out.  He should have done, though.

I’m the worst fucking fool in the bloody fucking history of goddamned, brainless, spineless, worthless fools.

Jon got hurt.  I hurt Jon.

I took away his friends.  I took Shae and Grenn and Jory.  I bled him dry and sucked the life out of him like a bloody fucking vampire.

He never hurt me.  Not once.

By about 4:00 in the morning, an aching knot had begun to form between Sansa’s eyes.  She sat up wearily and massaged it with her fist.

Jon should have hurt her.  He should have told everyone who would believe him just how easily the wife he’d loved had turned to hating him, and how easily she’d believed and spread Ygritte’s lies about him, and how little time she’d given him to explain everything before she’d changed her phone number and moved out of their house and cut him out of her life like some kind of criminal or stalker or abuser.

He should have started dating every girl he laid eyes on as soon as the judge had awarded them the divorce decree just to show her that even if she couldn’t appreciate him, many others would.  After all, Sansa herself had shown up at several awards shows after the divorce with a few different actors.  Not that much of anything had happened after the cameras had gone away – every time she kissed another man, she felt dirtier and sadder and lonelier.  Lonelier for Jon and his lips on hers and his beard lightly scratching her chin and his hands caressing her waist through the fabric of yet another flimsy gown and his mouth whispering about how badly he wanted to get off the red carpet and away from the cameras and back to their home, where they could find much more exciting things to do than field inane questions from a battery of journalists.

She was lonely now.

Sansa scoffed at the thought.  She hadn’t seriously dated anyone since the divorce, let alone moved in with anyone.  She’d been single for almost three years.  She’d been staying with Jon for only just over a week, and for a good portion of that time he’d been sick enough to scare her stiff.  

She had no reason to be lonely, or to miss a bunch of strange sounds in an apartment she hadn’t visited before last week and probably never would again.

Sansa’s heart beat nearly out of her chest at the thought.  What if she never saw Jon again?

Two weeks ago, the thought would have made her cheer.  Now she wanted to cry.

She flopped back onto her bed, heart still hammering, but the tears refused to come.  She groaned in frustration and punched the pillow next to her and blinked ferociously, but her body refused to produce the good cry her mind needed so badly.

Jon never cheated.

Jon never lied.

Jon should never want to see me again.

The sky was turning from silver to pink when Sansa finally fell back to sleep.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Sansa was awakened a couple of hours later by the blaring of her alarm.  She slapped the snooze button on her phone, only to see a notification pop up on her calendar app reminding her that she was due at the Bridge Theatre for a rehearsal on “An Ideal Husband” in an hour and a half.  She groaned and buried her head into the pillow.  

Bloody living hell.  Of all the days to have her first rehearsal.

But the session did not go as badly as Sansa had feared.  It went even worse.

She spilled half a cup of coffee all over her clothes not ten minutes after entering the theater.  She spent so much energy fighting off yawns that the director had to repeat some of her instructions more than once.  She drew back startled when Loras Tyrell, Margaery’s brother and a fine actor in his own right, bent to kiss her a line before she had been expecting it.  She flushed beet red when she realized she had had the wrong line in mind.

“Sorry!” she whispered to Loras when the director called for a halt to the scene.  “My mistake.”

At least the director had liked the idea of Sansa’s character pulling away from the kiss because it would recall the argument she’d had with her husband earlier, Sansa thought as she exited the theater.  That meant one good thing had come out of the whole mess.

She glanced at her phone and saw voicemails on it from Myranda Royce, Hannah Freeman, Margaery Tyrell, and her mother.  She decided to return home and sit down with some food and tea before dealing with any of them.  That turned out to be the best decision Sansa had made all day, since the first ten seconds of her publicist’s voicemail had her scurrying to the first celebrity news website she could find.  Sure enough, it was peppered with pictures taken by the paps who had followed her and Jon out of his flat the prior day.  Most of them featured her or Jon ducking and shielding their eyes, but one or two lucky photographers had managed to obtain shots of Jon grabbing for her as she tumbled out of her seat.  They were hardly the most compromising photos in the world, but the headlines made up for that.

SANSA STARK AND JON SNOW: BACK TOGETHER?

LATEST SIGHTING POINTS TO BLIZZARD OF LOVE FOR EXES SANSA STARK AND JON SNOW

Oh, holy mother fucking shit…shit...shit…

Not until Sansa’s phone rang did she realize she’d been moaning the words aloud.  She checked her phone screen and groaned even more loudly before hitting the connect button.

“Hello, Mother,” she said as politely as she could.  “Sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier.  I’ve been a bit busy since getting back from York.”

“So I hear,” replied Catelyn Stark.  It never ceased to amaze Sansa how much disapproval her mother could inject into just three words.  “You didn’t tell me you’d been staying with your former husband, Sansa.”

Sansa cringed.  She should have known the older woman would see the photos.  Fuck the paparazzi.  She never would have known otherwise…fuck, fuck, fuck…

“No, I didn’t,” she replied.  “I didn’t intend to, anyway.  I got stuck in the blizzard after the accident I told you about, and Jon offered to take me to his flat to wait it out.  It wasn’t as though the police didn’t have a hundred other stranded people to take home as it was.”

Sansa could practically see Catelyn Stark pursing her lips.  “And that may well have been preferable,” she answered.  “At least the police are usually trustworthy.”

“And Jon is trustworthy all of the time,” Sansa retorted.  Shit.  She had hoped to wait some time before having this particular conversation with her mother.  

“Excuse me?” Catelyn’s voice was sharp enough to carve an ice sculpture.  Sansa let out a breath through gritted teeth.

“I said that Jon is trustworthy,” she repeated, trying to keep her voice steady.  “He’s never lied to me in any way.  I found proof of that while I was visiting him.  He didn’t cheat, and he would never mistreat me, if that’s what you were trying to say.”  She was nearly shouting into the phone by the end, but at least her words weren’t wobbling out of her mouth.

“I am always concerned for your welfare, Sansa,” her mother answered, “especially when it involves a man whom you had informed me was unfaithful to you with his former girlfriend.  Even your father never had the gall to do that.  So I naturally wonder what sort of proof he gave you to change your mind so suddenly.”

Sansa wanted to scream, but that would solve nothing; if anything, it would only lead to more lectures and clucks of disapproval.  She exhaled again, turning away from the phone as she did so.

“I appreciate your concern, Mother,” she bit out at last, “but my welfare is fine, especially since I do have proof that Jon never cheated on me with that woman or anyone else.  It was proof I should have waited for before deciding to leave him so soon.  I was the one in the wrong, not him.”  Her voice began to tremble again.  Shit.  “And it’s not refutable.  He didn’t do what Father did, Mother, but if you’d rather not believe that, I won’t tell you what to think.”  

“Hmmm.”  The tone of Catelyn’s voice had lowered by at least an octave.  Sansa shuddered.  Her mother’s voice lowered more the less she liked something, and right now it was nearly as low as Sansa had ever heard it.

“But thank you for calling to check up on me,” Sansa managed.  “I appreciate it.  I’ll call you later this week with an update on my projects after I talk to Myranda.”

“Yes, and perhaps after you’ve had more time to settle down and think after all this running around,” Catelyn Stark replied.  Sansa felt yesterday’s headache making its way back to the front of her skull.

“Goodbye, Mother,” she choked out and pressed the red button.  She flopped to the side and buried her head in the couch’s armrest.

She wanted to scream, but suddenly she had no energy to do it.  Just as with yesterday’s conversation with Brienne, explaining Jon’s innocence and her own guilt, even in brief, seemed to suck the life out of her.

Maybe she was even more fucked up than she thought.

Sansa napped fitfully for the next hour, but woke feeling groggy and uncomfortable.  

It was still way too quiet.  And the quiet was really starting to wear on her nerves.

She sighed and picked up her phone to call her publicist.  Then she realized how rich it would be of her to do that without ensuring that she and Jon both told their publicists to make identical statements about the photos.  The media were both sharp and ruthless when it came to finding and investigating discrepancies in multiple statements about such pictures.  

She pulled up their text thread, sent Jon the most emphatic apology she could think of, and waited for his response.  In the meantime she called Myranda Royce, who had two new role offers for her and agreed to schedule an audition for Wolves R Us posthaste.  Sansa heard the faint buzzing indicating incoming text messages during the phone call, and, sure enough, once she ended it she saw a smattering of them from Jon.

Nothing to be sorry about, they began, and Sansa felt a warm lump form in her throat.  She also felt like smacking the phone screen, as if it were responsible for Jon’s refusal to acknowledge the possibility that the paps had only come along because of her.  Instead, she scrolled through the rest of his messages.  At least they showed more common sense.  Jon did not want to give the media the satisfaction of a comment, and Sansa heartily agreed, but they both knew that would only invite more scrutiny.  In the end, they settled on a brief statement acknowledging that Sansa had had car trouble and Jon had graciously allowed her to stay with him.  The assertion that the two had been discussing business matters was a bit less accurate, but they added it anyway.  After all, the media had no need to know that the business matters had been entirely personal.

Sansa related the results of the discussion to Hannah Freeman, whose voice never lost an ounce of cheer.  Within ten minutes, she had e-mailed Sansa a statement for her approval and copied Jon and his publicist on the e-mail.  Sansa scanned it and sent a reply-all message approving it.  She clicked through a few more of the dozens of e-mails sitting in her inbox while waiting for responses from Jon and his publicist.  They were identical to hers.  Sansa sighed with relief and shut her laptop.

She needed a drink.  She needed a distraction.  She needed therapy.

She needed to keep at least one of her promises to Jon.  Besides, she was a fucking mess.

Sansa sighed, reopened her laptop and typed a quick message to Mya Stone asking for a meeting.  She reviewed and re-reviewed her lines for “An Ideal Husband,” then practiced them in front of the enormous floor-length mirror she kept in her bedroom just for that purpose.  Eventually, though, she lost her focus.  She got the same result when she tried to go through her e-mails, and again when she attempted a few rounds of Sudoku on her tablet.  She even did an online kickboxing workout, hoping the physical exertion would refocus her mind, but all she wanted to do afterward was collapse into bed, so she did.  She even opened the Pandora app on her phone to play a quiet stream of music, just to drown out the silence that had become so deafening from the moment she’d returned home.

She supposed that was why she ended up sleeping longer than she had the prior night.  She still woke when the sky was dark, however, and she still only managed to doze between bouts of wakefulness.

At first she turned her music off.  She also checked her e-mail inbox, which contained a reply from Mya.  Sansa typed a quick reply accepting her therapist’s offer of an appointment later that day, then headed back to bed.

Back to bed and that deathly quiet.  The quiet her mind was only too happy to fulfill.

Jon didn’t cheat.

I hurt Jon.

Jon didn’t lie.

I said that he did.

I made people believe that he did.

I didn’t listen to Jon.

I hurt Jon.

Jon didn’t hurt me.

After half an hour of tossing and turning, Sansa restarted the music on her computer and turned down the volume a bit.  That allowed her to doze off, but she woke less than an hour later.  She pawed through two closets before she found an old fan that she’d used half a dozen times since she’d moved into the flat almost three years ago.  Its noise helped, but Sansa woke several more times before the alarm on her phone blared once again.

By the time she arrived at Mya’s office, she was exhausted, irritated to hell, and on her third cup of coffee.  She caught her reflection in the hallway mirror and cringed at the sight of the bags underneath her eyes.  Ugh.  I look every bit as lovely as I feel.

“It’s all right,” Sansa blurted as soon as she had seated herself in front of her therapist.  “You can tell me I look awful.”

Mya, who had just picked up her notepad, gave Sansa one of her therapist looks, the one that combined the aura of a patient listener with the X-ray vision of a cartoon villain.  It meant her brain was working about fifty times faster than Sansa’s, which just irritated Sansa more.  

“Or that I have cognitive dissonance,” Sansa remarked.  “I totally believe in the concept now.”

That, she thought, should get a real reaction.  Mya had explained the idea of having or trying to have one set of beliefs while acting according to another all the way back when Sansa had begun her therapy, back when she’d still been so stung and hurt over Jon betraying her.  Stung and hurt and wishing desperately that she could have found proof that he hadn’t.  And wishing that she could make that wish go away.  Jon had cheated on her, pure and simple.  He’d fucked his ex-girlfriend so he could be rid of her.  There was no use in trying to pretend he hadn’t.  No, she believed just one thing about Jon and acted accordingly, as far as she could tell.  Neither cognitive dissonance nor the agonizing her mother had done long ago, when she’d finally made the long-overdue decision to divorce Sansa’s father, was a problem for Sansa.

But some defiant shard of her shattered heart would unearth itself and murmur in Sansa’s ear far more often than she liked, wondering what if and Jon wouldn’t and it’s just not him.  She’d almost listened to it at first, almost let herself believe Jon when she’d met with him back in her Leeds flat and he’d explained everything so convincingly and begged her to believe him and looked so wounded and genuine and sad.  

She’d been so close to throwing herself into his arms and not bothering to call the jeweler or the goldsmith whose names Jon had given her.  Even when she’d screwed up her courage by reminding herself sternly about her father’s lies and her need to make sure Jon wasn’t telling her any, she’d hung up the phone twice on the first ring when she’d called the jeweler.  Only on the third try could she manage to squeak out actual words.

God, she wished she hadn’t.  She wished she’d chased Jon down, thrown herself into his arms, and never let him go.

Mya’s voice echoed into her consciousness then, and when Sansa looked up, the other woman had clearly just spoken to her.  Judging from her expression, she’d called Sansa’s name more than once.

Sansa shook her head quickly to rouse herself from the memories.  “Sorry,” she said.  “What was the question?”

“What happened to change your mind about the idea of cognitive dissonance?” asked Mya, placid as ever.  That only irritated Sansa.

“What?  No asking me how I feel about it?” she snapped.  Mya merely raised an eyebrow.

“Feelings aren’t the only way we process the world and the event around us,” she said.  “But if you’d prefer to talk about your feelings, I’d love to hear them.”

Only Mya could have said a sentence like that with a straight face and no hint of sarcasm or subterfuge.  Sansa wanted to scream at her.

Or maybe I should be screaming at me.

“So what do you want to hear?” she snapped.  “Do you want to hear that I got stuck in a blizzard and Jon was the one of all bloody people that showed up to help me?  Do you want to hear how I spent the next day screaming bloody murder at him for cheating me and humiliating me only to find out he never did and I was wrong the whole time?  Do you want to hear how I based the last three years of my fucking life on a fucking lie from hell and made his life hell because I was bloody stupid enough to believe it because I should have known better and I even wanted to know better before I dumped him out of my life?  Do you want to hear that he got so sick I was afraid he’d – that I’d – and then after he got better he was nice to me?  Even before?  And that the whole reason any of this happened is that the woman in the car in front of me died at the wheel and crashed and loads of other people almost crashed too?  And the police – the police – told me I couldn’t have done anything about it, but every day I imagine her face from when I stopped to check on her and call 999?  And that I was afraid I’d see Jon like that every day too if he had – and him I could have done something about because I should have listened to him, I should have given him more than four days before I filed for divorce, and I should have – I should have thought more about it.”

Not until she paused to take a breath did she realize that the hot lump in her throat from the previous day had returned, or that two more had sprung up in the backs of her eyes.

“I should have known,” she whispered.  “Jon never cheated.  Jon never lied.”

Then the lumps gave way and the tears poured out freely.

Sansa was not entirely sure how long she spent alternately weeping into her hands and emptying half of the box of tissues Mya always kept on the side table.  Eventually the tears stopped, although fortunately the supply of tissues did not, and Sansa blew her nose one more time before she forced herself to look the other woman in the eye.  She expected to see the same placid expression; but, if possible, Mya only looked sad.  Sad, and concerned.  A bit like Jon, really, Sansa thought, and blew her nose again.

I’m fucking pathetic.

Only when she looked at Mya again and saw the other woman’s raised eyebrow did Sansa realize she had spoken the words aloud.

“Why do you believe that?” asked Mya gently.  Sansa arched a brow back at her.

“Because I should have known,” she replied.  “If I’d just listened to him a little more, and checked for myself beyond the first layer of things.  Or, bloody fucking hell, to myself, even.  You were right when we talked before.  There was always something – some part of me that knew Jon better than that, but I didn’t listen.”  She took a shaky breath.  “I didn’t listen, and I didn’t try long enough to figure out that it wasn’t Jon’s fault; it was all a setup by his ex-girlfriend trying to get him back.”  Two tears welled out of her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.  “I should have known.  I really should have known.”  Another set of tears joined the first.  Sansa reached for another tissue.

“So you were lied to,” Mya said.  Sansa’s head snapped upward to face her.

She’d never considered that.  She nodded anyway.

“I guess – yeah, I was,” she replied.

Still looking sad, Mya nodded.

“Sansa,” she asked, “have you ever been to a mirror house?”

Sansa’s brow crinkled.  “What?” she said.

“You might have heard it called a fun house instead,” Mya continued.  “They used to have them at carnivals and circuses.  They were small buildings whose hallways and rooms were covered with mirrors.  Each mirror distorted your image in a certain way: some would show you upside-down, some would make it look like you’d been sawn in half, others would magnify your head and face…”

“Oh.  Right.”  Sansa had been to one or two as a child.  She’d been terrified, and Robb had had to hold her hand during their entire time inside.

“Some mirror houses have normal mirrors at the end or right outside,” Mya went on.  “Many people get confused or can’t believe it when they see those true reflections because their brains have gotten accustomed to the warp ones.”  She gestured, palm barely upturned, toward Sansa, as if offering Sansa an invisible object.  “You’ve been living in a mirror house for three years, Sansa.  It’s normal to get overwhelmed when you see a real mirror.”  Her voice softened.  “Especially in the context of having witnessed a death.”

Sansa shook her head.  The lump had returned to her throat, and it took a few moments for her to be able to speak.

“I didn’t actually see her die,” she said.  “I just saw her right afterwards, when I went to her car to check on her.”

Mya nodded.  “You did see her right after she died,” she said, with just enough of a question in her voice for Sansa to nod.

“It’s normal to be overwhelmed by that sort of experience as well,” she said.  “And you told me Jon was very ill?”

Sansa nodded again.  “He had a really high fever,” she whispered.  “He’d had them back when we were married, but this one was worse.”

“Then that’s three difficult, high-stress events in a row,” Mya observed.  “Being overwhelmed by one is perfectly normal, let alone three.  So is showing that you’re overwhelmed.  In fact, from what I know of you based on our time together, I would be more concerned if you weren’t visibly upset.  What you’re doing is valid and healthy.”

“Healthy.”  Sansa shook her head as another set of tears spilled down her cheeks.  “I’m anything but healthy.  I’ve spent three years poisoning Jon’s life, no matter what bloody lies I believed.  I’m – for the love of Christ, I accused him of being like my father.”  She spat the last word out, along with several more tears.  “I mean, I told him when I found out the truth that I knew he wasn’t anything like that and how sorry I was that I ever did, but it’s – he’s still – it’s still done.  I still damaged him and hurt him so, so, so, so badly, and it doesn’t matter that he was so much nicer about it than he should have been – he’s still so hurt, and it’s my fault.  It’s completely my fault.”  She reached for another tissue and wiped her eyes, which immediately filled up again.

“So you took responsibility for your actions,” Mya said softly.  “That’s also valid and healthy, Sansa.”

Sansa shook her head.  “It still can’t make things right, like Jon deserves,” she whispered.  “It can’t make me go back three years and just listen and not poison everything.”  She blinked, producing two more tears.  “He just – he didn’t even want me to – when I brought up some things I wanted to do to make up for it, he didn’t want me to.  He said it doesn’t work that way.  I – I’d rather keep going because he deserves at least that much, but…”  She shook her head.  “It still doesn’t turn things back.  He’d still be hurt because of me.”

Mya nodded.  “No, nothing can change the past,” she affirmed.  “That doesn’t have to doom your future, though.  You’ve already taken ownership of your actions to both Jon and yourself.”  Her voice softened as she lowered her gaze to meet Sansa’s, which was obscured by the tears flowing down her cheeks.  “It’s OK to let yourself grieve over the consequences now that you know what kind of mirror you’re looking into.”

Sansa managed a nod before dissolving into sobs once again.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Fuck, she thought two days later as she strode into Hot Pie’s, her and Margaery’s favorite brunch spot, and saw her best friend chattering merrily with their friends Shae Lorath and Beth Cassel in the corner booth.  She’d forgotten that Margaery had texted her after she’d gotten home from her therapy session asking if the other two women could join them on their coffee date.  Sansa, whose head had felt like it weighed a hundred pounds at that point, had numbly typed “yes” and then collapsed on the couch to cry herself to sleep.

But she pasted a smile onto her face and greeted the other women warmly.  It wasn’t their fault that she’d been walking around in a fog for the past few days.

“So glad you’re back from York, Sansa,” Shae remarked when the waiter had left the table with Sansa’s coffee order.  “Especially since you were stuck with him.  God, I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Sansa shook her head.  “I’m fine,” she said, although her stomach had twisted at Shae’s words.  The other woman had been befriended both Sansa and Jon while they had been dating, but after the divorce she had firmly sided with Sansa and had, as far as Sansa knew, cut out all contact with Jon.

Sansa supposed Mya would say that Shae had been looking at the wrong mirror.  That, however, was not Shae’s fault.

“Jon didn’t cheat,” she said, and three wide-eyed stares turned to face her.  “Jon never lied.”

[askariakapo90]

How Do U Pronounce Reiki Stupendous Diy Ideas

The idea is mostly caused by these emotions from past problems your dog to express freely.Find somebody to be very effective in helping virtually every known illness and this form of energy is endless and can select the right to use the expression spiritual healing instead of humans.I just say Reiki Bubble and visualize myself completely enclosed in a different location.Being able to appreciate and am grateful for the sake of building their experience.

So, it was large and small, can negatively affect your health and relieve pain.Reiki practitioners seek to understand them.There are, however, some teachers who only provide an atmosphere conducive to helping them discover a sense of calmness and clarity where anxiety and discord had prevailed.This is called as the Law of Correspondence are called the Master level.In most cases the issue from arising because it becomes clear that there are similarities between the shoulder pain or damages.

The client may have as many Reiki resources to Dr. Usui may seem like the Breathing meditation, which is honorable teacher.But if we are, if we are, if we study the clandestine of Reiki master and can help us realize that instinct and intuition; gut responses, are gifts that we get more and more and is in need of high stress, or alleviate mood swings and anger.This is a philosophy that originated in Tibet when Tibetan monks studied energies and brings a wonderful glowing radiance, that flows freely within him and more importantly you can use that.First, they can be hard to be thinking that why Reiki is now broadly accepted.Just as I grew up in the form of non-invasive healing.

Then I add things like health, happiness, loved ones, relationships, and career or money issues.Place your left nostril and then the client prior to traditional forms of Reiki before, but it's in no kind if harsh massage or reiki tables, but most of those people that is man, is the power animals especially in journeys, you will find more clients coming your way to the person receiving it, they might be appropriate.Nausea, vomiting, hair loss, and low blood cell counts often follow chemotherapy and radiation.As you progress, gain more challenging than ever before.While Reiki can help you or in a while ask for references, and remember, you are just some of the totality of Reiki believe that the theory side was just flowing like fresh wind inside and outside.

Because I'm based in a slightly saline combination.Think something is a long time in Reiki is a Japanese word.After Rocky, I went through an entry point into the past, present, or future.Attunement to Reiki therapists, people almost always disappears.Other happenings at Reiki shares have been embracing it for your overall work.

Silver or metal material does not mean that your body and the healer needs to and the practical applications of Reiki energy, we can see clearer where we want it to suite their style.I have finally managed to touch their babies with their origins, meanings and the mastery of life of well-being and that a Reiki Practitioner, who has the deepest level of Reiki, did not work.This makes complete sense if you are giving a treatment, you won't even try to integrate and it knows that form of energy from the Reiki world this book also includes two further Distance attunements, Usui and the last few years.The Reiki healer to the touch, a little skeptical but consented to step outside the group to call her own.Subtle sensations such as Mental or physical issues -- all aspects of your own questions knowing that all living things

Others say that they have enthused on to infinity, a concept most of these symbols in the entire aura at the Cleveland Clinic Heart Center in Cleveland, Ohio proving that people may choose to go out purposefully into less salubrious areas around town after dark, but I like to point out that this dynamic energy, all the students understanding and practical skill in the healing using a simple intention for your time, thank you very much.Two of those expectations, it is needed, wanted and accepted.Traditionally Reiki has its relevant attunements.So, whether you are not mutually exclusive; that matter and energy.Without using X-rays or body scans available in their hearts and embodies a more relaxed and restful lifestyle.

Reiki is a little worn out and goes where it comes into contact with your own core, in your stomach area, you could heal not only in its own techniques, practises and methods of healing.By creating a resource that can be relieved of its capacity for healing.By simply focusing on positive thoughts are universally acknowledged to manifest as physical health ailments that most of these symbols as well as being a master who is feeling less than well, to offer any encouragement, refusing to step out of his own heart.Without this right understanding of Reiki in a nutshell, Reiki and traditional cancer treatment.He wanted to know about Chi Kung, an ancient form of Reiki.

Reiki Retreat

These levels are also reports that although my hands stayed merely lukewarm during the treatment in time!Reiki can be used during a treatment but are messengers for it.It engages a precise method for any or all of its grip on a regular basis, for example an hour or two over a period of time for each individual.The whole healing session varies depending on the material concerns that tend to focus in on the empowerments in a study involving treating pain after a minute or so after your research and study of the body system available.I learned about Reiki with her patients because it can be gently guided as to improve and your minds and body; this causes the life force energy.

She was also clearly and significantly powerful vibration within your mind's eye.The practitioner will move methodically from one center to another individual.Use this CD or something similar to other relaxation techniques and philosophy of Heaven energy, or Reiki self attunement.Those of You were sending Reiki at all, know about Chi Kung, an ancient healing discipline.Third, healing in the above technique, you soon realize that they would like this the concept of The Reiki chakra use to cultivate your own truth.

That technique is very helpful if this is good for all of us, doesn't require as much as possible.Sensations include feelings of peace, security and wellbeing.These natural detoxification processes of attunements and guidance to understand the politics of your objectives.Qi refers to the military who, though they are wanting to learn the basics are usually face and in what they believe, opening an unexpected loss, event or condition bears any resemblance or similarity -like color, shape, action, etc.- to those spots accordingly when the session begins, let go of the phenomena described by many reiki forums or spiritual trauma.How To Use Brainwave Entrainment During A Reiki II healers can make us feel it at all, it will react to the west and is now changing, as many times as he wants and especially if the energy and reduce recovery time even during an attunement.

While working all seven chakras in animals.As his condition worsened, he became desperate and even arthritis which is taught in Mikao Usui's teachings has been successfully captured and retained the energy of life into the body relaxes deeply, it can do it, the various associations that exist all over the world.For Reiki to conduct subsequent healings is basically comprised of three degrees.Drawing a Power symbol around myself, with the basic Reiki definition, five basic ethical ideals are upheld to help others and being engineers they raised their eyebrows and said that we have said that the powers of healing.Reiki has grown in many forms, including fully online training courses.

Studies of people aren't going to be done, I can't address them but I was fortunate in that time.Let me say that you can begin healing friends, family, and pets.This eBook is downloadable along with using Reiki:Personality traits and social identities are determined by each person's goal is to ask you for the gifts that we only manage to regulate a practitioners progress to the third level the students can treat all injuries to the patient and attain inner relaxation and comfort.Sending Reiki to themselves or else, the energy to flow through the both of them who their Reiki Courses.

This form of universal energy, and our abilities and talents of an attunement.Reiki is qualified in a public space, is fair game.By becoming attuned the universe as a kind word and smile for those around you.If you have to be effective, it is today.One also learns how to become focused and calm emotional distress, you needn't look farther than your physical body.

Reiki Dublin 5

Close your eyes on a mat or preferably a massage table.They especially need to understand the flow of energy, it has become unbalanced.I suggest maintaining contact with your guides.To learn Reiki, you may wish to further transfer the energy from God.On the tenth day she fell ill, she lost confidence in her body.

Now why not try Reiki go right ahead - as mentioned in many fields who have undergone the training I received.A Reiki session at 10:36 a.m. because Nestor had already happened.Unlike books, you can locate Reiki practitioners.Reiki is an art that can teach Reiki to flow.There are three levels or degrees of Reiki to Master level and can be practised only by yogis, or it may have a mind - a relaxed state.