#ill regret this but thats future me problem

[clockworkcheetah]

🌀 !!!!

Todd's sick of it, sick of the amount of times he's had to go to that diner. He's spent prior loops ordering different foods and he's so goddamn over the entire menu now. This new diner is arguably shittier, but Todd refuses to admit to it, munching on a soggy fry.

todd is entering his massive cunt era btw

[deadofreddo]

Who fw my admin designs

Individual refs + notes under the cut!!

Here they are!! I wanted to give them all animal features for funsies

Romeo is a goat purely because of his goatee lmao. He's also the only one with animal legs, I like to think he gave himself them to make himself taller and he's actually the shortest. If you're seeing this post again and wondering if something changed about him I decided to give him yellow trims LMAO

Fred is a mooshroom, for reasons that are probably obvious. I don't have much to say about him other than everytime I look at his starry eyes so filled with kindness my heart shatters into a million pieces

Xara is a bird, maybe a feathered dragon? Idk I knew I wanted to give her an elytra and other End things but couldn't quite lock in on the dragon vibes. Wanted to give her horns but it didn't work with her hair </3

[fictionfixations]

genderfluid (& androgynous)

someone called riddle genderfluid and now i cant unsee it

(imagine its a fem day. and he just sits there with a skirt. and radiating dom energy. my minds too stuck on bamf ladies. also you dont have to wear a skirt if you dont wanna, i just like em. but uh. its like a superiority thing. (bruh imagine someone bumps into them- or.. wHATEVER pronoun. uh. fuck. i said them for riddle cause im too used to he/they characters. wtf pronouns do i use for him??? uhm. but so someone bumps into riddle. and then they just blurt out 'pls step on me'. and hes like wha? [cuz he comes off strict and intimidating, but hes also sometimes clueless/oblivious, poor sheltered bby] and then they eep and run away hehehehe ...imagine he asks cater what that meant [because cater knows a lot of weird stuff]. cater spits out his tea like WHAT. HUH? actually LMFAO- 'i never expected to hear those words come out of riddles mouth! and he said it so straight-faced too!')

..i have a hunch you probably thought id put 'step on me mommy' but

im. kind of not a fan of the sexualization of those words cause now i can never unsee it when its just an innocent version

i feel like.. riddle has a lot of problems with his mom. one including not wanting to be too similar to her, or being compared to her (and regretting that he'd basically become a mini-her for awhile there, although in more serious words)

(also how do genderfluid people do pronouns?? [i have no gender so i dont get it] ive seen in some writing they use like. she/her on a she/her day. or he/him on a he/him day. but could you also just... stay to another pronoun too? i mean. theres probably she/they and he/they that works there. she/he does too. ..is it she/he? or is it she/him? probably she/he. idfk. i mean. i have a bias towards he/they. but like. if you're leaning more towards feminine.. do you match feminine pronouns too or is it just based on how you're feeling and it can really just go either way??? i kind of want to write a genderfluid riddle in a purely self-indulgent way. but i dont know what to do about the pronouns or if i should change them)

anyway

maybe thats my bad cause i like referring to him as a queen instead of a king (HE WEARS HEELS TOO. we love a short king. LMFAO)

(he wears heels because the queen and the first heartslabyul housewarden wore them. and his uniform is modeled after the first heartslabyul housewarden. this is iirc mentioned in his halloween vignette)

this is future me

he could definitely just be androgynous too and not afraid to use it

like

okay

spoilers for a JP card but

here. (a card i desperately want in the future, even though ill probably never actually use him)

which since we're here. vil. with his androgynous energy. who is also referred to as a queen. .........

honestly. i dont think he really cares that much about either way? or. that. i think im wording that wrong

like.. wearing dresses or suits, i dont think it makes a difference to him. for 1, he knows he rocks it. 2, assigning things to 'female' and 'male' and then saying the other cant wear things the opposite does is dumb (i still refer to them as feminine or masculine to differentiate them, my issue with it is then restricting it)

so he just. sometimes

to prove a point, wears short hair (or something that leans a little more towards masculine-y) with dresses

actually he kind of does that already

its just a coincidence LMFAO

i think its just more to fit the occasion

cause in this his hair is tied up

also damn this mfs pretty

anyway i think thats enough vil LMFAO

i got so off topic

[mihai-florescu]

oh i love those pictures a lot! the newest church that you don't like very much looks like it's trying to imitate those older church styles with the big domes and such, though i will admit i did my paper mostly on North and South American churches so i do not know that much about European buildings, but just at a glance it feels like that's what they were going for. and hmm. yeah i don't know how i feel since it's such a weird blend of styles.

as for the lighthouses, even without looking up anything about them it looks like the first one (white brick with the octagonal lantern room) is a bit older and quite short all things considered as there aren't any windows where a watch room should be, which isn't surprising if it is as short as i think it is. you could easily keep watch from somewhere else and run up to address any problems with the light asap. if i had to guess it probably had a 4th or 5th order fresnel lens, leaning more towards 4th (which is the same order the lighthouse i work at had actually) but again kinda hard to tell from the photos.

now the other one is really fun. it definitely is not a traditional lighthouse and looks like it might have been built after lighthouses became automated? it certainly doesn't look like you'd have enough room for a person to comfortably move around frequently in it but the daymark/physical appearance makes it stand out really well. every lighthouse has to be unique so that sailors will know where they are and that can mean a lot of things. there are standard designs (on the great lakes we have a standard schoolhouse design where you have the same structural appearance and things like the color of the brick, the color of the lantern room, and the light itself can distinguish them from each other) but this one looks pretty unique! very avante garde as far as lighthouses go. i'll definitely be showing these to my coworkers at the lighthouse at some point and see what they think. -📖

Im glad you liked them! The older lighthouse is indeed from 1860, whereas the other one is from 1960. Our cathedral is disappointing to me also because i've seen the orthodox cathedral in sofia, and THAT is a nice, interesting looking one. In comparison ours is just a letdown i suppose? Also knowing how much money and space was wasted on it cant help but piss me off more... the cathedral in sofia is this btw

Anyway! Ive been to lake michigan when i visited chicago (and ive been to michigan as a state a few times but cant recall if i saw The lake michigan again... no, i think just lake erie briefly in cleveland ohio). I didnt appreciate the lakes enough at the time, which i regret now looking back. I did make up for it by being more mindful and remembering the views while hiking in tennessee a few months later though, if it counts...

Thanks to you i will now keep an eye out for lighthouses in the future! Not sure when ill be at the seaside anytime soon but i will send you any i see, like a dad trying to bond with his kid getting them anything related to their interest (thats how i have a fall out boy clock in my room that dad saw at a random store, fun fact)

[bonesandthebees]

now for the strategy exercise

I think phil choose that exercise on purpose, believing it could show well the benefits of tommy being a blank slate (just as this phrase isnt getting out of wilburs head, youre not getting away from the unintentional lyric reference)

also the solution tommy gives is pretty simple, it kinda shows how niki and q both tried to go the way they are most familiar with, showing off a bit their capabilities, thinking about more tricky stuff like the psyche of the people, with niki especially

the exercise is about coming up with a super complicated strategy, its more about finding out what APPROACH they would take to this situation

and like I understand the problem with nikis solution but tbf to niki, she came up with a much better solution to the presented problem when you focus just at the result, unlike tommys plan hers was thought thru and didnt have that many loopholes, it just didnt fit phils expectations, like when this happens to me in an exam, im also arguing with the teacher that the fact that it wasnt their answer doesnt mean my answer isnt correct

now im bit saying I think thats the best way to rule a kingdom BUT niki is very rightfully angry about phil praising tommy

and honestly I just think good for niki yk, like yes, go get that power, whatever it takes

I love her standing up against phil but than being scared she messed up, there are so many layers to her it's amazing

you always treat your female characters right and rose!niki is prime example of that, she is everything I adore her so much and I support her rights and her wrongs

and when it comes to q, hes the one that confuses me bc he seems so easy to read and very certain about being chosen as the heir which is very dangerous in court and foolish and first look youd think hes just not good at hiding his opinions which could tie into him being a less likely heir

but like hes been at the court for quite some time and must know how much of a disadvantage being readable is so maybe hes playing is double layered, pretending to be easy to read while actually hiding the important stuff, I mean wilbur calls him really smart and witty

or theres a secret third option where its only wilbur whos able to read him so well and we wouldnt know bc its from wilburs pov but the way its described, compared to how wilbur reading niki is described this is unlikely id say

and the worst is that with the kind of character quackity is he could be either, like he turns out to be super smart and calculative ill be like thats so like him but if he turns out to be actually just that egoistic and easy to be ill be like yeah thats exactly like the train wreck of a man I know and love

I mean quackity knows his strengths and how to play on them, knows it wont be easy getting the throne and so he does stuff like partnering with schlatt, calling the meeting...

but with the strategy exercise it shows that hes putting everything on his strong suits and thats not always gonna be enough

oh yeah phil definitely chose the exercise for a reason. tbh it was a test for all three of them, less to learn their war strategy and more to learn how well they take guidance and criticism. definitely highlights the benefits of tommy being a blank slate.

and that ties into the issue with niki. while her plan had some issues, it was the most realistic of the three. the problem was her reaction to phil's criticism. she had a right to argue with phil regarding the success of her strategy, but that's not what phil wanted.

I'm glad you're enjoying rose!niki so far. like yes, she stood up to phil and was stubborn and angry and ruthless, but she was also scared. she was worried she messed up and regretted speaking out because she deals with so much pressure to always maintain a certain public persona and reputation, because her future is so reliant on it. I'm so happy I get to spend so much time focusing on niki in a long fic like this. rose!niki is so complicated and has so much going on with her, I'm really excited to continue diving into her character.

hmm won't go into detail to what's going on with q, but I'd say there's a mix of things going on from what you said. wilbur's pov definitely plays a role in how well we're able to read him, but also he is very aware of the games being played and knows how to adjust his behavior accordingly.

[prince-tulip]

I need to stop trying to be everything for everyone.

I cant let go of people, i have a severe abandonment issue that has gone too far. My reality became so blurry, with so many people wanting things from me..cognitive distortions and people pleasing stemming from overwhelming guilt and shame and fear..living off defense mechanisms first..

Its like if ive done wrong to you, i feel I have to be punished and be exactly whoever to whomever person im involved with. Which that plays into daily life, i feel I always have to be how they want me to be, im HEAVILY influenced by the world and often times in bad ways, its a big reason i dont just live my life.. Not to say either that i dont have genuine emotions and love for literally anyone ive loved or even if they hurt me and are toxic, i won't leave. When something i cant handle happens, i look for an escape route maybe? But i know i don't actually want to leave or cut someone off..My feelings become caught in a bundle of wires, words become misdirected, impulsive and if i have a trauma bond with you, subconscious feelings and past events come screaming at my face, confusing my reality more, saying and doing things i shouldn't. All things ive tried so hard to heal from..i have so much love to give and I think overall just genuine connection is what im looking for..even if thats just as friends with whoever my sentiment gets the best of me too, i feel as if everything must mean something but thats just not true and its going to keep killing me if i think like that...that's the big question..

What does connection mean to me? What form do i want it in and how can i better understand how to communicate with my loved ones or future companions? Growing up it was always soulmate, marriage, kids, happy life but i dont think(as of right now, i do hope one day) that the typical life isn't for me..societys need to be perfect, to be perceived as happy and successful, forcing a life out of want oppose to need..i dont understand..

Maybe though..just maybe nothing can grow if you dont allow it to and thats a fault on me.."here comes the contradiction" lmao...*insert*

Could i just be honest and communicate how i properly feel? Yes..but with how my mental illness is, i dont know how i feel. Every thought, perspective, moral is just contradictory. Every second. Its a constant battle of not self destructing, hurting people, picking fights, loss of interest, feeling numb, thinking every is meant for a reason when its not that fucking serious. Its not just negative moods either. Happiness comes in big waves that feel uncomfortable, pleasure feels wrong, like i dont deserve it, in any form.

Im riddled with guilt and regrets..

I feel torn through out time, belonging to people from different points in my life, struggling to feel whole and until i do, especially when it comes to love, romance and building together.

I cant have those, it burns me out. I focus too much on them, then burn out which causes problems and personal anger, sadness, resentment in everyone involved..

I never understood i had a need for validation but oh god, how i understand now..I never understood cognitive distortion but oh god, how i understand now..i never understood how to truly express myself and my desires..but how i understand now..too late... Ironically.

My honest intentions questioned due to my lack of mental understanding, a lack of time perception, a lack of being able to sift through my emotions of how i truly feel, a lack of being able to realize i dont need to people please, a lack of realizing i dont have boundaries for myself or others, a lack of not being able to not self destruct, if i hurt or disappointed someone i feel i need to fix things and be someone that i actually dont really wanna be but i end up filling that role because i need to fix something or i just have a personality switch and im saying and doing things i really don't mean, its so polarizing and its no ones fault, its so much my fault....

I now realize i do not need to feel like i need to be punished..or that i dont deserve good things...The lack of not letting things be natural, not letting things just happen, always fear driven and being controlled by my defense mechanisms. This overwhelming guilt, shame and disgust i harbor in my heart of all the wrongs ive ever made, it all haunts me and im so familiar with it, its almost if thats all i will feel my life, as if thats what i subconsciously wanted...not needed..i didn't need this..but here i am..

[surreal-duck]

maybe ill end up regretting drawing all day instead of packing to leave tomorrow morning but thats an issue for future me. i have thoughts and im making it everyone elses problem

[hangonhanginthere]

mega rant incoming

i feel like im behind all my friends in terms of maturity. ive always been told i was mature and like put together but am i really? i feel like because of this ive been led by other peoples voices and guidance without really creating a path for myself. i dont know where im going with life. all my friends have goals and ambitions that are just so bright it could blidn you. they have reasons to backup their plans and real passion for the things they do. i dont have any passion. all i have is love thats just kind of warm and fuzzy. it doesnt serve much purpose but its there. but also i dont think i distribute my love emough. i keep it to myself because i think i need it kore. but the keeping of love to myself is making less space for my passion. i dont think ive ever been passionate in my life. i think i need to experience more out of life instead of staying cooped up in my room but now it all feels too late because i have to study for school and plan out my future. all the years leading up to this were supposed to be utikised and maximized to its full potential but ive wasted all of it scrolling on my phone and interacting with people online that i will never meet or have some real personal connection with that i couldve had with people in real life. i dont know where im going with this rant either. its all over the place.

i cant stick to one topic because my mind goes into overdrive and bounces off topics all over and it just spills out onto this page. i am incapable to writing a personal essay because i cannot do inflection or have any sort of vulnerability. i feel scared. what if i dont have a future. all my teachers and friends and family theyre all counting on me because im the brightest star of the school. what if reaching too high just makes me fall down more height? is it really worth the effort if i fail? am i learning more about myself, yes, but what im really feeling is how much therapy would benefit me. here i am typing words into a tumblr blog. who even uses tumblr anymore? only fandoms probably. so no one will see this but i guess ill remain on the records of the internet forever. anonymously.

so anyways i really should have used my time better and i regret everything i did because i didnt put enough effort into them that they would leave an impact on me or someone else. i dont feel, i think. and thats the problem.

[newtness532]

🥱🥱

[gay-kurapika]

Goddddd fire emblem is so good. I restarted today so that I don’t waste so much time figuring out how to do stuff and I’m already further in my support with Edelgard and I’ve recruited Ingrid. I’m going to recruite Ashe and Lysithea or however it’s spelled as well.

[kibblesnackz]

me listening to wrecking ball by mother mother and breaking my friendships just because i can

[winking]

im going home this week and i'm so excited just 4 more days pls.... i'm so tired of school i m so close to falling apart

[roguestarsailor]

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

Hey, Lori! I'm sorry for sending this. And you don't have to answer if you don't want to! This is something that's been bugging me for past two days. I want to talk about it to someone older than me. I don't have anyone around me who I can ask thats why I'm asking you. Why do people decide to have kids? Only after few years to regret it and be disappointed if their kid isn't fulfilling their wishes? No one knows how someone will turn out to be. Are kids like some investment made in young age?

This ask sounds like it’s coming from a place where you have been hurt by the adults in your life who’s only job was to love and accept you unconditionally. Part of that job is also teaching their children how to be good parents. A lot of adults dont do this job well. A lot of parents are biological parents only and never learned how to do right by their children by their own parents and for whatever reason dont see the damage this sort of cycle does to generations of families who pass on these toxic traits. 

You know what i see from this ask? I see awareness. I see that you recognize that this is not the right way to treat your kids who are very real humans and have their own agency. 

This awareness is strong with you and should you ever have children in the future, should you ever adopt or become a step parent or a foster parent or should you ever find yourself being a mentor for a child; i believe that you will be different. I believe that you will do better to them than was done do you simply because you are aware that this is a problem that exists. 

I am working very consciously on this myself. Breaking harmful childhood cycles. I didnt grow up with any pressure to perform, or expectations. My childhood home was neglectful and rooted in extreme poverty. Basically i was the last child of a second marriage that also ended in divorce and my mother was ill and my father was an alcoholic and my siblings were older and gone doing their own things, so i was on my own. I did not have anyone looking at my grades or even asking where i was or when i would be home. One significant moment occurred when i was in high school when i was out with friends and one of my best friends and i were arguing because she had to go home early due to her parents requiring it and i didnt. She turned to me and said “at least someone cares about me.” And let me tell you, nothing hurts quite like the truth.

We all have cycles to break. We can all do better for our children but we will never be able to do better unless we are aware that something is wrong. 

I’m sorry that you are being hurt. I’m sorry that adults have disappointed you. Please dont internalize it and find fault in yourself because of their failures. ❤️ 

[theproblematicblogger]

Decade of Adequacy

Today is the last day of my 20s. I actually havent given it much thought but I figure I should do a quick autopsy on the decade. I’ve been on this website for almost all of my 20s. I was 21 when I started this blog in June 2012. A young sweet boy who knew nothing of the blogging world. I feel like this is important since this website changed my life. Mainly because I ended up marrying a girl I met on here. Still pains me to admit it. Cant wait to tell the kids about that one. “Where’d you meet mom?” listen kid don't worry about it. Maybe I need to come up with a lie about how we met that's less embarrassing. Like I met her when I got my dick stuck in a flesh light and she was the EMT on the scene.

Regardless of the humiliating nature of our relationship, I can safely say that it’s the absolute best thing that happened to me in the last ten years. I know its corny and gay or whatever but getting married to someone I love was something I needed and its incredible how your quality of life improves when you have something to wake up for. So for all the missteps I’ve made I can safely put that in the W column. My 20s hasnt been perfect obviously. College was an enormous mistake for one. I spent my early 20s pursuing an education in a career that I knew in the back of my head I wasn't interested in. I realized too late but decided to soldier on. I got a degree. Theres a cool picture of me with a graduation cap and my dad looks proud. It looks good on a resume. I guess thats worth something. If you’re reading this and you’re thinking of dropping out of college, my advice would be to do it. I dont even know your story but if you’re asking me; yeah man I regret it, but you do you. 

Those were the big things. A million small bad things and small good things have happened to me. Made friends/lost friends. Picked up interesting hobbies and sports. Had family members die. All that fun stuff that isnt unique to anyone. If I had to really examine the decade and grade it, I guess I’d give it a B+. All things considered, I ended up in a place where I’m happy, I have a place to live, people who love me, I dont have any mental or physical illness, I have financial security. It’d be greedy to expect more. 2020 was a fucked up year and it’s hard to look at the past through a lens that isnt tainted by it. It was good to me though. Objectively it was good. I didnt get everything I wanted but I got what I needed if I can borrow an older than dirt expression. I’ve got plenty to complain about but only because I’m an asshole. My early 20s were marred by insecurity and doubt about where I was going to end up. My biggest fear was that I would fail at everything I tried and be forced to work a minimum wage job in the town I grew up in and the highschoolers I used to be friends with would see me and pity me. I was scared of that reality and also almost certain it was what I was destined for. I viewed it as an inevitability. Somehow I stopped it. By the grace of God I got a job I give a shit about that pays well.

I guess that sums it. My 20s was full of me being scared of the future and it working out in the end. Like an episode of Entourage. Problems that seemed very real which the writers always took care of by the end of the episode. Maybe it was the fear that drove me to succeed in those fields. I dont know. Who gives a shit. I’m still breathing, I made it, its over. I’ll put my 20s behind me the way a person puts a picture of their dead relative on the wall, looks at it fondly for a moment, and then forgets its even there. What do I have to look forward in my 30s? Back pain I guess? Whatever. Should be fun. 

[divinaes-bookofsecrets]

Hello, I just found your tumblr!

I would discover my spirit guide.

My initials are MN, I'm a Libra, born on 9/30/2001

Thank youu❤

Hello MN, appreciate you checking in with your spirit guide through this Shamanic Healing Journey experience that I provide. if you could tip me at my business PayPal here that would be greatly appreciated

Thats a list of my services in case your interested in something else after this which I've chose to do BONUS for free because I'd like to promote my page again ! so if you could help out by SHARING this post too that would be great !!

also to anybody else reading this, yes, I do FREE Readings but you must tip this one request is an exception. (see price list above if you are interested in paying for your reading )

So, MN, You travel daily with several spiritual guardians by your side at all times but the one that I would like to bring up to you today is one of your MAJOR GUIDES and has been with you since birth, and is not just in and out of your life for life lessons.

Your Spirit Guide that I feel is important to tell you about is a tiger on the astral realm and his name is Zuri. His name is of African decent and he's most likely if you go meet him on the Astral, you may notice the African accent in his voice.

Zuri lives, like I said in an Astral domain. His cave by the river is in The Deep Forest.

The Deep Forest is home to the greatest of all trees. It is a realm of thick and feral vegetation, as well as a rich and diverse wildlife. Dense and majestic canopies almost entirely blocked sunlight from reaching the ground below.

The entire place was claimed by nature. There are no artificial buildings anywhere in the Deep Forest.

This is an actual photo of your real live Spirit Guide, Zuri !! (:

Why is this Spirit Guide in your life ?

the following photos will explain then ill give you the messages that were intended for you. it will make sense and go with the advice portion of this Shamanic Healing Journey Experience you've requested

🌾🐯🌺Zuri has several messages related to your life. Firstly , this is what was meant to get across to you about your karma. Next will be some advice .

"With North Node opposition the Ascendant Your personality can often clash with social norms making you unpopular. Although you're personally detached from prevailing social trends, you're able to view them at work in an objective manner, thereby understanding how to relate to and take advantage of them. Your strong individualism doesn't make you popular. At times, your seriousness can make others feel uneasy, especially in social situations. You tend to be somewhat short and paunchy and may have peculiar speech in some way."

Zuri says "Your karmic path is not aligned with your identity and ego, which stops your personality to grow and evolve. You may feel like an outsider or that many people are against you. Your ego may be strong or rigid and this aspect is trying to cause problems in order for you to be more flexible and modify and change your behavior and identity. The best way to deal with this aspect is to be more open minded when it comes to alternative perspectives, opinions or viewpoints especially when it revolves around how you act with others."

ADVICE FROM ZURI: 🌻🦁🌻

An opportunity to travel in the next few months may come to you this week. At this point though, Libra, it may be just an idea, but it is one that you may be very excited about. You may have felt "stuck" recently, unable to find the interesting diversions you usually seek out. Enjoy your time planning for a future trip by doing all the research you can. You may have a goal of altering your alliance with a business partner or some organization you have been affiliated with. This is not the time to make that move, but it is a good time to contemplate the ramifications and look into other possibilities. You may meet an interesting and compelling person this week, and there may be a temptation to enter into a relationship, whether it is a friendship or a romance. But don't rush in too quickly. There may be more to this person's life than is obvious, and you might not agree with all of it. This could lead to regret. A somewhat self-centered friend may make an effort of yours all about them. Rather than taking it personally, just let them do their thing, and try to find entertainment in it.

An opportunity could arise for you in April that will set your heart aflutter. This may involve the chance to do something you envisioned for a while, but never took seriously for it seemed out of reach. Do not let a self-limiting fear stop you from taking advantage of this, dear Libra, or you might regret it for years to come. Fight your fears and don't overthink it. This is a great time for a retreat from the hectic pace you have been keeping. If you have the chance to get away, even for a little bit, take it. Do something self-indulgent - whatever that might mean to you. You may try doing something you have always wanted to try like horseback riding or anything really. No matter how offbeat, as long as it captures your fancy. Whatever it may be, do it with gusto, and leave your cares behind for a little while. Someone could come to you with a truth you might not want to hear. Don't allow it to affect you because it is not about you. It was not your choice to get involved, so just be supportive as much as you can. You may discover an unusual coincidental connection between yourself and someone you know this month. This could help draw you closer together into an even more enjoyable friendship or romance.

-- Divinae 🏵💮🐯💮🏵