#ill always be thinking of stuff to say but over time ive grown a very intense filter

[studiousbotanist]

sometimes it hink of the saying “if you have nothing nice ot say dont say anything at all” and i take iT SO seriously . if im in a bad mood or frustrated at work or in general ill sit there like i took an oath of silence . meanwhile the curse words and rude remarks are broiling in my noggin ! but it Will be so funny when im sitting there and ive made eye contact w a customer and in my head i go “hello ! :)” but my mouth just stays :|

[yuukei-yikes]

can we get uhhhhhh some hibiya thoughts

yes. yes. yes. i fucking love hibiya. he's LITERALLY A LITTLE GUY when i got into kagepro he was one of my faves actually cuz he was the closest to my age at the time. i was 13… im 22 now! lol thats not weird at all *eye twitch* sry ive been weird abt the passage of time lately. erm wait this isnt my therapy session <- doesnt go to therapy

HIBIYA. LITTLE GUY. my thoughts on him………honestly, i recently reread all the novels and god his intro chapters were HARD to read. all the creepy stuff abt hiyori yknow. i was cringing so hard. i kinda wanna ignore it bc i'd rather do that with the weird bits kagepro has to offer, but not to get rid of it completely. like id take away hibiyas whole thing abt a collection of hiyori pics but still keep the aspect of him that worships her. and how that dynamic would COMPLETELY go away post str.

post str hibiya is VERY different from how he started out. i mean. 10 year old timeloop…. he hasn't grown at all mentally like he has to process all this with his 12 year old brain, but going through all he did he just kinda looks at things rly differently now. not obsessed with hiyori, for one…. and she's also different to him. their relationship changes drastically bc now they both respect each other LOL listen i know im annoying with my codependent relationship headcanons but… eyes hibiya and hiyori

these bitches are 12. spent 10 years watching each other die over and over and literally die for each other. AND THEN THEY GET EACH OTHER BACK? ERM. yeah theyre NOT letting go of each other. its not so much codependency as much as it is awful awful awful separation anxiety. god are there any fics of hibiya and hiyori going back home and having a breakdown at having to separate and go to their own houses (bc in the city they were living together so it doesnt hit that they need to separate until they go home)???

hiyori would still be kinda bitchy and bossy but definitely not horrible to hibiya. and also her attitude hits different when she's also always holding his hand and refusing to go anywhere without him and throwing tantrums when any of the dan members even imply any activity that would require to separate them. and she wouldnt rly be embarrassed abt it i think hiyori would be super open and vocal abt HIBIYA HAS TO BE WITH ME ALL THE TIME !!!!!! and hibiya isnt even flustered hes just like *NODDING NODDING NODDING* bc he's the same with her. girl… SEPARATION ANXIETY HIBIHIYO<3 mekadan so sick in the head <3 they have 78 undiagnosed mental illnesses <3

not to make it abt my future headcanons of psych major hibiya but. new generations man. hibiya is 10000% the one in the dan going like GUYS WHAT HAPPENED TO US WAS SOOOO MESSED UP and everyone's like lol yeah !!!! and he's like DONT LOL ABOUT THIS IM FUCKING SERIOUS??? especially since he's such a fucking outsider to everything like everyone else's been experiencing all these tragedies since they were born and he just kinda. had a normal life before? and like i said NEW GENERATIONS MAN THEYRE PSYCHOANALYSING THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE AROUND THEM…. the dan is so used to this shit that they kinda lmao rock and roll thru it and hibiyas like NO. NO. NO. EVERYONE. THERAPY. NOW!!!!!! it becomes his special interest he starts getting all into psychology and when he comes back to the city for his visits suddenly he's diagnosing everyone with stuff and the dans like *shaking* MAKE THE KID SHUT UP also realises he has separation anxiety with hiyori and works on it. hiyori is surprisingly the one most terrified of letting go. and like i said…. 10 year long time loop being processed in a 12/13 year old brain.. hibiya is SUPER self aware. he makes sure of it

ok and. heh. haruka. THE WHOLE HIBIYA HIYORI AND HARUKA THING COULD BE ITS OWN POST… SO… IM LEAVING IT HERE CUZ THIS IS ALREADY SUPER LONG but im just gonna say. hibiya's IN DENIAL of konoha being gone. he keeps expecting haruka to go away. hibiya THINKS he's super mature, and he is for his age bc of all this shit and his willingness to understand his problems and everyone else's. and everyone else also think he is mature, but this is just something he can't stop being a 12 year old about. his friend is gone! WHY does it have to be gone!?!? especially in an ending where hiyori is back. if she wasnt, then he'd be more accepting of the losses bc there were 2 both konoha and hiyori and like it becomes another whole thing abt letting go and mourning but if she is back…everything is supposed to be perfect!! everyone made it back!! why couldn't konoha? why does it have to be gone? its not fair! he doesnt care this haruka was the body's true owner!! konoha was his friend! it also deserved to live as much as this haruka guy!!! why is HE more important!!!?!?!?!? and he just. he's just insanely immature abt it. and he knows he is but truth is he's just really fucking sad and regretful about konoha being gone. i could also talk about hiyori and harukas feelings abt it but heheh yeah this is super long. erm. hibiyita el chiquito <3 hibiya throwing a tantrum in front of the whole dan abt how it isnt fair and how he wishes haruka would just die. LMAO. he is 12. if anyone has fic commissions open Eye eye

also erm wholesome one before i end it. he makes little miniature dolls of the whole dan<3 he's BAD at typing on his new smartphone but since he lives away hes always texting in the gc<3 he gets super into mobile games<3 amongus fan hibiya asking all his grownup friends with jobs and no time for amongus if anyone can play with him<3 they do bc theyre busy but there will always be time to amongus with friends<3

[httpiastri]

JACKIE YOU GOT IT RIGHT OMG but now i’ve just been made really curious as to which part of that previous ask gave it away (was it the 2022 mention? that would kinda make sense, i think)

the synchronicities with pepe are all insane?? some of mine are just outright weird but like even your pokemons situation is so cool because it all makes me feel so 😵‍💫🌟💫 because i love knowing that everything and everyone is interwoven and connected yk? and about pepe being represented by a lotus flower… honestly pepe has surprised me sm since i first found out about him because sometimes he just ends up liking certain things i don’t expect him to all because he’s a driver and stuff like if he ended up being secretly spiritual with little good luck rituals or whatever i wouldn’t be surprised anymore and i LOVE that about him (i also love him)

and AAAAAAA omg the pepe shaving blurb had me feeling so 😊😊 too like the details in it are so essential to the plot and it effectively launched me even deeper into the pepe obsession because how could you just casually write about hugging him from behind and not expect me to go absolutely insane

also there was a point of time where i had every pepe tag hidden for me from any social media platform because just his name or face would have me going so insane and my only way to tackle that was to hide him from myself so if that doesn’t say enough about me idk what will 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

and being able to call him dorky?? AAAAAAA my pepe happens to be a little cocky so idk if ill get to say that anytime soon but one day i will 🤞🤞

AND THE FACT THAT A PEPE EDITOR IS ON YOUR BLOG TOO?? IM SO 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 I LOVED THAT EDIT BECAUSE OF THE MUSIC CHOICE SINCE I HAD A HALSEY PHASE A FEW YEARS AGO so to the editor: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

p.s. i love getting your replies too!! it literally fuels me through the day and i’m so grateful that you’ve been so sweet and accepting of me while supporting my pepe obsession (and even contributing to it, to be fair)

- 🪷💗

okay this got way too long because i spiraled so im putting the little cut thing here :))) im so sorry

yay yay yay !!! pls lmk if you think im like outing you too much here if you wanna keep a secret profile bcs then ill delete some of this, but like it was kind of because of the 2022 part? but mostly bcs of the spirituality part!! because i remembered that when i posted a couple of pepe gifs months ago, i saw your reblog of them and thought like "oh! pepe fan!! i like this person already" and i started looking through your blog 🤭 and like omg i must say, about your like manifestation post…. im very good at doing or saying stuff like that just for fun but recently they've started to come true quite often?? like i manifested clem's win in zandvoort last year… i said "arvid and luke will be the first f3 winners" several days before the first f3 session…. me and a dear friend talked about how lando would get his first win like two days before miami…… idk i think it's time for me to manifest a pepe win 😭😭

and god yes yes i agree!! i actually have a crazy fact here that i wasn't gonna say but i think i've said it on this blog before anyway so… my actual first name (i have several first names, no not middle names…. my parents wanted to be "funny" but it's actually a pain in the ass a lot of the time) is lotus…….. i couldn't make this up 😭 my mom always said it was because of the flower but my dad said it was bcs of the car ofc because it was more sneaky than naming your daughter like mercedes or ferrari lmao. and so that you chose that emoji, which is so dear to me because ive grown up loving lotus flowers and having plastic flowers all over my room and just 😵‍💫🫨 and okay i had a huge ariana grande phase when i was younger and i used to love "baby i" so much that my parents got me a tshirt of it for my like 13th bday… and guess what song came on first when i pressed shuffle on ☄️ anons pepe playlist today? THAT SONG 🙃 and guess where i used to keep that shirt (i never wore it)?? on my bedroom wall, and guess what used to stick up from that tshirt?????? A PLASTIC LOTUS FLOWER. I COULD NOTTT BE MAKING THIS UP 😭 sadly ive moved out of that room but i will do my very best to look for an old pic as proof because this is actually a bit insane to me…..

but yes i would also not be surprised if he came on a pod some day or whatever and said that he is a little spiritual and like u said has a lot of like pre-race rituals and :(((( cute

i'm very glad to hear that you liked the shaving thoughts !!!! i may have posted some more…. esp important stuff in the tags of that one 🫠 but aaaAaAa!! im going insane too!!! just the thought of hugging him is so !!!!!!!! i think hugging him would be so so nice? i feel like he can be very firm with it because he's just too strong, but then there's always some little detail that's so soft and that just makes your knees go weak 🥺 like he whispers something sweet in your ear before pressing a quick kiss to your neck… or he pulls away from the hug but keeps his hands on your hips, holding your lower bodies close… and the way he looks into your eyes so intently when you tell him about how your day was, his smile never leaving his lips and- 😭 idkkkk and just the thought of hugging him when he's not wearing a shirt, like i feel like he would have naturally warm skin? so cuddling up to his back would be so cozy ??? your nose tickling the skin between his shoulder blades or your cheek resting on his bicep or something…….. 👉👈 (and omg resting on his bare chest in bed aaaaaaaaaaaa dont get me started)

bby you had the tag hidden?? please??? 🥲 understandable tho to keep sane and focused ig… bcs idk how to not think about him all day every day tbh, anytime i see him its just 🫠

YOUR PEPE IS COCKY?!?! HELPPP I WANT THAT TOO 😭😭 HOW? WHERE? WHO? AAAAAAAAA

shsjshjssj anons being fans of anons 🥺 idk if ive heard that song before but it fit so well with the two of them 🥺🥰 kisses to the editor 😚😚

waaaaahhh your asks fuel my days too 😭 when i woke up to this ask this morning i got so giddy hehehe and im always longing to hear more from you <3333 and god youve contributed sm to my obsession too aaaaaaa !!! so glad we get to share this (and with everyone else here too) 💗💗

[soukokutruther]

im not waiting for anyone to ask me, im just infodumping ab dazai

i like him for a lot of reasons !! it usually starts out that i relate to characters, which is how it started w dazai too, but really idk bro he just makes me so sad and idk how to explain i just LOVE DAZAI hes my baby hes my pookie ill die for him thats all anyone needs to know

i have a lot, but id say probably that he likes cats/is compared to cats a lot, and is good with children, i just find it very sweet. also i love his style, and i love how intelligent he is.

how he treated akutagawa, although i dont blame him since he was like, a child, who didnt know how else to act due to how he was raised and grew up, too, although it still doesnt excuse it, and its still my least fav thing about him.

tokyo ghoul

dove- doll version (antihoney),

elements of my past (metaphorically, i wasnt in the mafia obviously 😭), cats >>> dogs, secretive, im not dazai smart but i mean id say im pretty intelligent 🤷🏻, mindset, um !! other stuff !! 🥰

i like how deeply they analyze him in order to understand him better and dont water him down to just "sad suicidal bandage man" (like ive seen some ppl do)

erm... i dont like how the rest of them water him down to sad suicidal bandage man. i also hate when people say hes a bad person, because hes not, the whole point of bsd is that most if not all characters are morally gray, and although dazai did things that were in fact, not okay, its not so black and white to be like "omg fuck he sucks hes a terrible character" (obviously u can still dislike him bc everyone has an opinion and thats okay but like as a character hes a lot more than just a bad person 😭 in fact id say hes grown to be a very good person)

i could see it tbh

i could also def see it (atsushi kinnie moment fr)

meh maybe, im more of a chuuya and poe guy tho 😁

i have a lot, i hc him to be an age regressor, and also i hc him to be autistic + transmasc. also hc that when they were in the mafia and chuuya found out dazai was living in a shipping container chuuya forced him to move in w him :3

i could see him using this all the time 🤕 and also :P he def sends that as kunikida screams at him over text lmfao

light academia

soukoku OBVIOUSLY, im THE soukoku truther (i also like sigzai but just for fun tbh, and i LOVE souheki but i see them as a qpr more than a ship. i dabble in kunizai every now and again as well)

i have a lot of least favs 💀 prob dazatsu and odazai, theyre both so wrong for so many reasons 😭

fyozai, im 50/50 on it because i can see it, but also idk what it is i just cant rly get myself behind it

soukoku !! <333 its not canon theyre a ship, but they do have a very beautiful canon relationship, whatever the dynamic of it may be

fyozai...

dazatsu !! i love them as best friends, theyre so sweet :)

i love to do a lot of things when writing dazai lmfao, i love to write dazai agere/petre fics, i love to make him sad and depressed mwahahahaha, i love to just make him suffer honestly (but its okay its always hurt/comfort i wouldnt do that to pook) !! but also im not evil (mostly), i love to make him pet kitties in fics/draw him w cats, i love writing him going out to bookstores and reading, i love writing autistic dazai, transmasc dazai, i love describing his eyes and how he looks in the moonlight, i just love writing ab dazai tbh. smth i dont like ?? idk making him cis, dazai is transmasc to me and will never be anything else tyvm have a good day 👍🏻

honestly the same things as before, i write what i wanna read lmfao

fav pic, i do have one, i just dont feel like getting it rn sry :3

honestly dazai is rly unique ive never quite come across another character like him 😭 i do think of him when i see lucky from acnh tho hehe

loved him from when i first laid eyes on him, will die loving my pookie <333

CHARACTER ASK GAME!!! 💫

Send a character + one or more of these question!

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

6. What's something you have in common with this character?

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

10. Could you be best friends with this character?

11. Would you date this character?

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

13. What's an emoji, an emoticon and/or any symbol that reminds you of this character or you think the character would use a lot?

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

15. What's your favorite ship for this character? (Doesn't matter if it's canon or not.)

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

17. What's a ship for this character you don't hate but it's not your favorite that you're fine with?

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

20. Which other character is the ideal best friend for this character, the amount of screentime they share doesn't matter?

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

23. Favorite picture of this character?

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

26. FREEBIE QUESTION!!

[irlbkgs]

for the s/i ask game! (sorry this had taken so long, i kinda forgot to send you an ask sksjdj)

rose, lily, poppy, iris, chrysanthemum! for anyone who you wanna talk about <3

- @stevieselfships

no worries at all!! i get it lul

doing this for kennie and nicky bc they're basically my only two solid s/i's and the rest are abandoned or like rly half baked with the exception of tatum who is like...just an oc really, she isn't for selfship purposes and she's not really a version of me either so shrug (one day ill yap about her tho...)

lily ✦ do you try to fit your s/i into canon, or do you just do whatever you'd like with them?

for nicky, absolutely, i think that's pretty obvious with how ive talked about him in the past. for twd specifically and especially bc his other half is daryl, it's pretty easy to add another character without it seeming weird AND give them romance bc daryl doesn't really have a love interest besides carol who he Still isn't with post twd soooo

but yeah, nicky has his whole back story and whatnot from before but besides that i basically just envision him as having been there with the group at the quarry before rick even shows up and he exists within the group as like an obnoxious little brother to most bc he is like. an adult but clearly an adult who is In College and works a Part Time Job. very much a 24 year old who operates like a 24 year old. rly the only people who didn't treat him like that were the kids for obvious reasons, glenn bc they're basically the same age and daryl who has basically always just seen 18+ as ur an adult i will treat u like an adult bc that's how he was raised (/neg bc he has to unlearn that. also to be clear i dont mean this in regards to relationships or sex, i mean in regards to having to act grown, if that makes sense. for daryl as soon as he was 18 ((and rly before that)) he was expected to have a job, provide for himself and for his family and be a stereotypical man who can fend for himself and bc of that he expects everyone else who is over 18 to have their shit together, even if most are not expected to. he understands there is a maturity gap bc of the age thing tho and can understand, to a certain extent, that this thing that was forced on him is not normal or okay, but it causes friction between him and nicky at first bc nicky is functionally useless in an apocalypse setting before the farm. he is physically weak, cant shoot for shit, isnt a great cook, cant sew or clean well. he's a fucking rich kid, he knows fuckall and his years away from home didnt teach him much except how to live off buttered noodles and tap water for months on end. he's book smart to a certain extent, but he's no eugene, so again, not much to offer. daryl finds this frustrating but they eventually find middle ground yada yada im rambling about unrelated shit SORRY!!!)

with kennie it's the opposite, i don't personally love g*n v's execution of everything plotwise, i don't love a lot of the characters and the only one i do love besides my f/o, sam, is emma, who is his love interest so. while sometimes i toy with the idea of shipping all three, i don't selfship with emma so it's easier to just skew far away from canon and do what i want.

rose ✦ is your s/i more like yourself, or are they more of an oc you project on?

for both id say closer to an oc, but nicky definitely is more of a version of me that ive like exaggerated parts of to make Better, but i also include my flaws and stuff in his character at times, whereas kennie is one singular aspect of me that i wish i was less shy about and i turned up to the max on her. nicky is sloppy and loud and confrontational with people he doesn't like but avoids confrontation like the plague with people he does like, he lies and manipulates people if he thinks it'll help him or his friends out, he is a ball of energy and sometimes that leads him to outbursts that hurts himself or others but he is also like the fucking sun. he is me if i was more confident but also still flawed in a way that people find more appealing because it gives him character and fuck, everyone lies, he just happens to be really good at it and uses that to his advantage in situations that don't always call for it. i am also a manipulative cunt but it is less fun when i do it bc well. i am a real person and its something i need to work on. im also loud and sloppy but its less fun when i do it, moreso annoying. nicky is witty and quick with jokes, i am not. im generally not a confrontational person either, regardless of who's involved. kennie on the other hand is just like. quiet and stern and very focused and on top of things, which im not. really the only thing we share is wanting to top boys twice our size and that's like 90% of why i made her. i wanted a s/i that was physically similar to me in most ways to get sam on his knees bc he is the most obvious sub ever 🤷‍♀️ and i figured for once id make a character who wasn't so similar to me bc i do that a lot so i made her my opposite. unfortunately this did result in me liking her less, hence her not having a doc linked in my pinned like nicky and tatum do, but i do still enjoy her.

poppy ✦ do you have lore surrounding your s/i, or is your s/i more or less just there to project on with your f/o(s)?

for nicky yes there is a lot of lore, ive planned out a lot of stuff before canon and a lot of stuff during canon for him so there is most definitely lore there. the tldr of it is rich parents who were never there, adopted a girl who they used to look good to their rich peers bc nicky wasn't well behaved enough in their eyes to bring to functions, he moves out as soon as he can and lives the college life off and on until 24 when he drops out for good, but the apocalypse also starts so that doesn't really matter. meets the quarry group, falls for daryl pretty early on, spends years head over heels before they finally get together during alexandria era. everything after that is unplanned bc quite frankly i do not Like those seasons nor do i think i could make the relationship between nicky and daryl worth talking about when daryl is with the saviors for such a huge portion of that era or he just gets no fucking lines/screen time. maybe one day ill plan out commonwealth stuff bc that stuff gets interesting again, but i doubt it. id be more likely to do the france stuff than anything but again it wouldn't really make sense without me making up a bunch of shit.

for kennie she doesn't really have a lot of lore. really all i have for her is like the basics and her going to supe college more for marketing than to be a supe herself. less likely to get offed that way, she figures.

iris ✦ do you associate any animals with your s/i? which one(s), and why?

nicky is def a raccoon. i feel like everything about him makes this obvious.

kennie is more like a hairless cat. feels fancy but is also just some weird fucking guy at the end of the day.

chrysanthemum ✦ free question! tell us anything you'd like to say about your s/i!

hrmmm nicky would be a big fan of the dare in a modern au. he would've found him pre brat summer and been a snobbbb about being there first (but he would also be all over that brat album, he is a party boy at heart unlike daryl who, in this au, would hate nicky going out to party but still pick him up from the club like a dutiful boyfriend. nicky is a sloppy drunk but very loving and cuddly so daryl at worst finds him annoying in an endearing way when he gets plastered)

kennie would nottttt like any of the main characters in g*n v besides emma and i need this to be known. she could spend time with jordan without biting their head off but besides that she wouldnt be able to stand marie, andre or cate. luke and her wouldve gotten along just fine before the whole mess and him dying, but they were never close. emma and her probably got closer After sam getting out of the woods, but i havent rly planned out the specifics.

[jinxxedmisery]

I just wanted to come here and say, I'm sorry I haven't been active lately.

I haven't gotten around to requests in like months.. thankfully only one is in my inbox right now.

I also haven't been doing a lot of art.. things have happened which I will vent about... because my therapy appointment is over a month away and where else can I vent if not tumblr..

Tw mental health stuff, general health stuff, transphobia, relationship drama.

So happy Pride Month... it's nearly over, I know.. but oh well. Like a lot of people are saying, this pride month feels different.. less safe.. I came out as nonbinary to my family last year and started socially transitioning and I have known I was pansexual since 14.... so this stuff kinda hits hard.,

Even being in Canada it's scary seeing all this hate.. it's not as bad here.. but haha.. I happen to live in Alberta.. half the population here is homophobic, godfearing, truckers, cowboys, and farmers.... so I feel a sense of danger every time I'm open about it..

I went to a parade in my town.. we have a yearly event in June.. it's not pride.. but I kinda treat it as a form of pride.. I wore my pronoun pin badge I bought shortly after I came out. One of the town four churches has a Vacation Bible School program and a woman who is a pastor's wife always every year comes up to me and tells me she wants me to volunteer to help them out and kinda forces me to take an info packet....

Yeah.. this year she looked directly at my pin badge and talked to my parents instead basically pretending I didn't exist which was kinda funny and a huge relief.. hope this stops her from bothering me In the future... I did notice a few people look at it as well and like body block their child... which was so stupid.. istg conservatives think we're the boogeyman or some shit. Also kept getting misgendered... some lady who knew me from my childhood says "oh you've grown into such a beautiful young lady" and I straight up felt ill..

Anyway.. during that event my mother had a medical emergency.. she had a mini stroke.. my mom was very confused wasn't aware of her surroundings.. she's normally super resistant to going to the hospital and will fight you.. but she was so confused she got up, got her shoes on and got into the car and walked into the hospital without a fight...later she nearly punched me in the face while we were trying to hold her down so the nurses could get an IV in.. (they don't have daytime security at the local hospital and they don't have restraints) she said she doesn't remember any of it..,

As for my relationship.. I still have a boyfriend.. he's been pretty busy with work though.. his boss moved him to a super inconvenient schedule 3pm to 9pm.. every single day, no days off..

He's also had so much trouble with his car that it's not even funny. It's all been the coolant.. he thinks he's fixed it though so.. I'm hoping that won't be an issue as much.

So it's been hard for us (especially me.., because.. like my last relationship ended shortly after my ex couldn't make it out to see me.., he did finally admit it was excuses so.. I'd be lying if I didn't say I was afraid of that happening again) but we're enduring it.. he's a sweetheart and has been making time to talk to me after work almost every night until he gets too tired to continue..

It helps a lot.. he makes me feel wanted and he is trying his best to make it work so we can see eachother in person 😊he'll be coming out tomorrow morning and staying until 1pm.. we only get 2 hrs together but it's fine.. any amount of time with him that I get is worth it.

I promised him one day if he's able to visit for longer we'll watch Heathers: The Musical and get slushies... mountain dew, cherry or lime flavored ofc (iykyk) he's into that idea thankfully lol..

it's a requirement that everyone in my life watches Heathers at least once... I've seen it so many times I could almost recite the entire thing... 🤭

But that's all for now, when I get the motivation I will write requests!

[gullethead]

what is your opinion on tamsyn muir discourse (and also what is the discourse)

THANK you. okay warning for discussion of fictional sexual assault, real life CSA (not something she did), plus 2012-era homestuck fandom typical stuff

please rb this btw, unless you dont want to, in which case dont. also if you have any corrections or additional information to consider please add by all means

disclaimer: im not in the habit of writing essays defending whichever internet personalities i like. ill admit theres potential bias, given that i read the books before i learned about this, but im really being as objective as possible and i just think people are taking a misguided or half-formed stance on this. if you still dislike her or w/e after this thats, like, perfectly in your rights. im not defending an adult woman on the internet, im explaining the facts as ive seen them and understand them. additional disclaimer that i havent experienced sexual assault at all myself

okay so tamsyn muir is currently well-known as the author of the locked tomb trilogy (aka gideon the ninth and harrow the ninth), but for a certain section of tumblr shes also well known as urbanAnchorite, and used to be a big name fan on here up until around 2014 - pretty close to everything here is going to be from roughly 2011 through 2014, except for an interview im gonna get into, so 7-10 years ago. i was only vaguely aware of her until after i got into the locked tomb and saw people talking about this. with that in mind:

so the MAJORITY of the discourse revolves around a single fic she wrote on AO3. her account has 19 works in homestuck, and some of them are Kinda Weird to Pretty Bad in retrospect, but being completely honest this is the only one that isnt completely stock standard for homestuck fandom in that time period. like if we started casting stones about ten year old fandom stuff we'd be here all day

here is the fic (warning for CSA)

in most of the posts about it ive seen, theyve described it as a "rapefic," but actually reading it, it's a lot more nuanced than that description implies. its a dark story where a grown man abuses a girl, from the man's perspective, and the story ends with him being killed by her friend. the description of the assault is treated very seriously by the story and barely even touches on any actual sex, before immediately cutting to him being killed. its lolita if humbert got shot to death; the title itself comes FROM lolita

(sidenote - it was inspired by a prompt on kinkmeme, but that doesn't really mean anything vis a vis being intended for sexual enjoyment, and according to the note actually went against the spirit of the request)

ive seen fics, lots and lots of fics, that would qualify as the term "rapefic." it tends to be pretty fucking obvious when someone is using sexual assault as a fetish, and this is Not That

tamsyn herself actually responded to this in an excellent interview early last year. she gets into some Fandom Mom type language, but essentially says what i said above. in it, she also says this:

It’s not the first time I’ve been accused of being a paedophile. I grew up gay in the nineties. Homosexuality and paedophilia were enmeshed in society’s minds. When I came out, I got told that I shouldn’t be around children. I was used to that because it was common discourse, and it hurt like all hell, but it didn’t shock me. When I got called a paedophile by Twitter I got clotheslined. My support network had to get in pronto. I was very ready to have a hot date with a length of rope, a date I have arranged and cancelled multiple times over my life. I have had lots and lots of therapy over the years for various conditions, some of them lifelong and some not, but when that Twitter call-out happened it was hard to want to live. I thought I knew so intimately what I was doing with my fiction; my therapist was always so supportive of me writing about it. I have not been open about being a CSA survivor because, again, I grew up in the ‘90s. ‘Lesbian’ and ‘CSA survivor’ is just carte blanche so a whole queue of people can tell you, I HOPE ONE DAY, WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT, YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT. It was like, right this way to the invalidation booth. I didn’t even tell most of my girlfriends! I told one! It’s not a topic of discussion between me and my family; I am relying on them not reading my interviews so it can remain where it belongs: thoroughly undiscussed!

with this context it becomes... a lot more nuanced of a topic. an author who experienced CSA in addition to growing up in a cultural climate where gay people were pedophiles by default, especially growing up catholic in a rural community, wrote a work about childhood sexual assault (which also happened to be fanfiction) as a way of working through it for herself, which is... something a lot of artists do with their art? and in return she got a massive blowback on twitter accusing her of pedophilia and demanding she talk about a massively traumatic moment in her life

this is the major sticking point of the discourse, im not gonna get into anything else on this post, but this is my view of it. if you disagree or have anything to add then feel free to add on. again, i know what it looks like, but im not trying to uncritically defend a stranger just cause i like her book. this is the conclusion i came to after doing a lot of digging for myself

[captainshazamerica]

🎪 titans spoilers

Tim is too well mannered and smart to be associated with the titans they're a literal bunch of toddlers although donna felt like an old lady being called miss troy and ma'am (I'm 23 an I love being called ma'am my brains like who me I'm an adult cool) 😅 gar and tim are prob gonna bond over being the only titans capable of rational thought 😅 The train was quite cool tbh yo how long have people been on that train cuz that one lady looked very 1920s to me

HANK HALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS ANGEL I knew he wasn't gonna make it out of there but my dumb brain held out a smidge of hope Hank is always in protector mode and always concerned about saving the children he tries to help jason and boom dead he tries to help tim and oh no still dead dang it hank, when donna was like oh no dawns gotta be so upset and hanks like yeah she better be 😅 donna wanted to stay and had to leave and hank wanted to leave and had to stay 😢 donna and hank talking about jason and hes like that little fcker blew me up! I know he talked about revenge on jason and I do think that if he got back he would be focused on stopping jason but I also think over a little time he'd forgive him and they'd kinda be buddies again and he'd help him with the drug problem also hank should get to kick crane in the face cuz yeah. Of course hank be driving around the after life blasting living on a prayer and he manages to find a car and a hotel I'm so happy he's with his brother now tho they gonna be kickn ass in the after life hanks basically some type of afterlife guardian now so I'm taking that as he's literally an angel 👼

Maybe hank donna and tim all had the good luck to find each other because of the ritual thingy they were tryna do at themyscira oh my gosh rachel is too funny her idea of themyscira punishment was being made to fight a shark or getting thrown in a pit 😂 that lady tho was that hippolyta and she saying her daughter being dead and earlier donna said to hank it's not like I died stopping an asteriod I died at a carnival so am I connecting stuff that ain't there or did Diana get killed stopping an asteriod? Ahem DONNA WITH THAT SWORD THO why is she so cool can she have a sword on team titans pls now

Okay but honestly somebody please please please help bruce what the heck dick I get he's got a lot to deal with but he could contact bruce now and again and I dunno maybe make him aware that jason is not dead!!! I don't even know if bruce knows or not Although I do think it is interesting character wise that when he broke his no killing rule he ended up turning on himself I really hope they don't just blow past his grief like someone please maybe donna talk to bruce please I was sitting getting so annoyed like bruce spends his whole life as batman and trying to help gotham and save people and there's no one there to save him and then donna swoops in donna I love you

Hank trying to use the power of his imagination to produce a weapon and he ends up with nightwings wingdings 😅😅😅 that was so hilarious to me p.s for that ask game the other day you asked who my fav legends was it's Zari Tomaz (theres two zaris but I've just got a softer spot for the first one) 💕💕💕

also dc should do a really cool back and white noir movie and a scarecrow movie like the way they did that joker movie would be dope too (it would also be intensely cool if they did a dc black label psychoanalytical exploration of Dr Jonathan Crane leading into Scarecrow stories because honestly I think he's one of thier more frightening villians cuz yeah if joker comes to mess you up it won't be a fun time but at least whatever he does to you he's not going to achieve locking you inside your own mind and there's a chance batman or someone will save you but with scarecrow if he comes to mess you up there's a high chance that he'll screw your brain up that much that you literally get trapped in your own mind and like how is anyone gonna be able to get you out of that also the clinical medical-ness would be a touch extra frightening cuz he can mess up with precision whereas joker will wreck you anyway he can but he's not gonna be able to be so precise in what he's doing sorry for the rant but they have such cool characters and so much potential to do stuff with them like ahhh )

Omg I just realized I never replied to your previous titans ask ahhhh I am so sorry!!!! I love getting your asks!!!!

LMAO, u right, Tim IS waaayy too good and pure and smart for the titans ahahaha. Protect him ahhh. I would die for him omg, I absolutely LOVE how they are doing him and how Jay is portraying him omg its near perfect.

Ahahaha, thats so funny xD people called me Ma’am when I worked at Disney world and it always freaked me out xD Especially cause I look so much younger than I am xD It is nice but weird being considered an adult ahahaha

True, Gar and Tim are the only ones with braincells omg xD I feel like they will get along really well awwww.

Omg I thought that one lady on the train looked like she was from the 20’s too!

Right! Hank has grown on me sooo much, like I didn’t really like him 1st season, was indifferent 2nd season, and like him a lot this season. Oh my dumb butt def didn’t think/occur to me that he wouldn’t get out tbh xD I think it works out for his arc though, especially with him and OG kicking butt together there, that was so cute and sweet and perfect. Tho I do want resolution between him and jason but i guess that isn’t gonna happen :(

Huh, interesting about the Diana theory, I never thought of that but you right, I can see that/it makes sense!

Omg I couldn’t handle donna pulling a sword while hank got freaking Robin throw stars and nunchunks that he immediately got hit in the face with xD That was too freaking funny “I was defiantly NOT thinking about Grayson” xD lmaooooo

Dude, this Bruce is so freaking erratic omg. Gosh, I really hope Dick can help him and we get some father son bonding cause my gosh Bruce has me STRESSED this season omg, God bless Donna Troy. I truly thought he was gonna die there! Not even saying goodbye to Dick, smh!

Huh, Ive never heard of Zari Tomaz, Ill have to look her up!

BRO A BLACK AND WHITE SCARECROW MOVIE WOULD BE SO FREAKING GOOD OMGGGGGG. Pleasseeee DC! Gosh, I would KILL for a “psychoanalytical exploration of Dr Jonathan Crane leading into Scarecrow story”, omg, gosh that would be PERFECT! Crane is SUCH an underrated and underused villain! And omg dont apologize cause like same and i love seeing your analysis and rants!!

[voidselfshipp]

The Mystery Before The Revelation

(pLZ RB WITH Y'ALLS THOUGHTS ON IT!!!IM SO EXCITED TO START THIS FIC!!!,SO OK TO RB).

Theres also some oc stuff here.

♡~♡~♡~♡

Two girls ran amok in the yard, playing tag.

--You cant catch me!-one of the girls say while runnin.

The sun is setting and its almost dinner time.

--Enola!jerico!come inside girls the dinner ready!.

Jerico and elona were the best of friends,partners in mischiefs and confidants to the other.

Elona remembers jeri as being very close, inseparable, she almost lived with her.

But when elona left looking for her mother jer also left.

She thought she never see her again.

Until a couple of years later.

Enola is talking with her two older brothers,Microft and Sherlock.

--Oh dear sister I think youll find this visit very enjoyable--microft said.

--What makes you think that?--they werent on the best of terms.

--Well you shall see- he said again.

But she wasnt the only one surprised by the visit...but also Sherlock.

Jerico got off the carriage,she lifts her eyes, and enola gasps.

They ran to eachother hugging the other.

--Oh my god!its you!

Jer smiled-- hey been a while.

But Sherlocks eyes are there, stuck like glue to his sisters childhood friend.

--Sherlock?Sherlock!snap out of it!-- microft yells in his ear.

--I heard you the first time brother...no need to yell.

They approach both women.

--microft,Sherlock!--jer hugs the detective with a huge smile-- there you are! My my youve grown to be a lovely Man

--And I see youve flourished into a most beautiful woman

He holds her hands, kissing her knuckles.

Enola huffs breaking the moment by grabbing jericos arm--lets get to my lodge and talk, shall we?...

--Why,of course!--the woman bows and locks eyes with Sherlock, winking at him--ill see you gentlemen around...

And so off they went.

The detective sighs dreamily as he sees her leave.

-- I heard you got into some trouble--jer said sipping idly from her tea.

--Well,the adventures of my teenage Years are behind me..

They meet their gazes and burst into laughter.

--Ive missed you--the english woman says.

--Me too..

--So,i see your people are getting ready for something big

--Yes it is...this Year is the year of the big revelation, I cant wait

--Neither does the press apparently-- Both women chuckle.--I saw you looking at my brother with bedroom eyes

--well he is quite the looker enola, what can I say?

Enolas face contorns in disgust,Rolling her eyes--i cant Belive you have a crush on my brother,youve known him since we were kids, plus hes an old Man

--Well I wouldnt call it a crush, just interest

--Im sorry to be the one saying this to you,but your taste in men is questionable...

--You dont like me being interested in your brother at all, do you?

--Can we just-- change subjects?please?

Jeri nodds--Ill take that as a Yes

Meanwhile Sherlock was back at his Office,aparently jerico Will be with his sister the whole day, well he cant blame them,they were very close and he imagines they wanted to catch up.

But what are these New feelings in his chest?,he could barely speak when she talked to him, and those eyes, they had him eating form her hand.

Maybe its just that he missed her too, or thats what he wanted himself to think;even though he was foolishly hiding the true feelings he felt.

He puts the letter down,jericos family couldnt Keep away could they?.

--Jericos dad wants me to work a case for them, why?why now?....

And somehow he decided to accept the case.

He went to their house the Next day, at the crack of dawn.

The beautiful garden was full of flowers,he could barely recall them all.

The big Stone mansion seemed to reach the Sky, plants growing on the old old house.

And of course....those sunflowers infront of the entrance.

Its cold.

--Oh its you Sherlock...

--Yeah missed you too vica

Vica wasnt a fan of Sherlock...since jericó was sixteen, but kindly made him come into the house.

--Oh Sherlock!--Illa, vicas partner greeted him with a hug--The tea is ready,master von terra is waiting for you in his study

--And jerico?

--Sleeping,the trip here left her very tired...

--going overseas is very tiring , alright could you show me to míster Von Terras study illa?

--Why of course!

The long flight of stairs Led to a long Passage way, they Turned a corner and in the end was the gloomy Office of jericos father.

Sherlock entered and sat infront of him.

--Sherlock...welcome...--the Man turns in his chair to meet Holmes--Im glad you accepted the case...

--Yes,but I have to inform you sir, that I am more of a detective, I solve crimes, not a private investigator...

Jers father was always very scary and serious.

--Yes well...I suspect you didnt accept the case because of money, did you?but thats besides the point, lets talk bussines...--he gives Sherlock a folder-- look mister Holmes,this is something very serious, something very important for humanity itself, we need to make sure it all goes smoothly,understood?

Important to humanity itself?now he was interested.

--Yes...mister von terra,I understand...

In another room jerico woke up to vica, patting her back.

--Okay wizquepu--they say--wake up, get cleaned up and rest, we have some guests over

--Hmm...--jerico said,sleepily--thanks void...

--Youre welcome sweetheart, I picked a nice dress for you to wear at breakfast

--Dress?-jer sits up on the bed-- who is it?

--Someone whose also excited to see you, come on now

Vica stands up, leaving the room.

Who the hell could it be?.

--So you see Sherlock,i cant disclose what it is...--Von terra said.

--If you dont tell me I cant help...

--Do as youre asked mister Holmes and you Will be greatly rewarded...head to the dining room,my daughter Will join Us for breakfast and I expect you to be on your best behaviour...

Sherlock bites his tongue but nodds heading outside.

Ray turns his back looking at the chimney.

Sherlock hears him mutter as he leaves the room-- the fate of humanity rests on this encounter...

[stimmypaw]

stimmypaw reads the apprentice’s quest, a blog post

A big one, just a bunch of thoughts as I’m reading it, of course, lots of spoilers for the first book in the Warrior Cats series A Vision of Shadows. This will be covering just the first book tho, it’s all in the Read More, let’s gooooooo!!!!

Vision Of Shadows time

Lots of new cats!!! I don't remember these guys as kits or anything wrow!!! I like their names but itll take a while to get used to them

Also cant believe they printed stormcloud's dead name

Omg there's a cat named beepaw

I love these cats all of them so much im going 2 cry

All new names are perfect

I FORGOT HOW GORGEOUS THE CAT VIEW IN THE RECENT BOOKS WAS, LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT

I'm glad leafpool smokes weed

I love reading from Jayfeather's point of view, his grumpiness hasn't grown on me ever but thats just me, I still enjoy it lots he's great and its fun

Firestar and Leopardstar's characterizations are On Point i love it

OOF i feel so bad when jayfeather is mean to others, poor kestrelflight, I love those two

Lovely Jayfeather moments now its time for the first chapter

I like this duo! Also I didn't think I'd ever say this but shut up squirrelflight one can have fun AND learn with their mentors

Sparkkit sounds nice she makes jingling bell noises when she walks around

Alderkit is chadphobic /j

I can see Alderkit taking deep breaths to relax its rotating in my mind its beautiful

God this first chapter feels so good and comfortable, like eating noodles and chicken nuggets. I am so so deeply in love with it, its gorgeous!

Sparkkit is so perfect too, and Graystripe remembering Firestar aaaaaa

DUSTPELT SAID WHAT? PHDHAHAHHA OH NOOOO I don't remember their relationship much, must have been fun, I love young little creature squirrelflight I MISSED HER SO BAD WOW

I started reading the second chapter and died, I think ill take a break now 2 sleep heehhee

I love them describing twoleg stuff its always so fun and alien, like watching an animal planet show about funny sea creatures.

Also I have determined sparkpaw is my favorite, might be my favorite cat ever next to hollyleaf??? I really identify with her and also she's autistic i have decided that

Alderpaw baby noooo hhhh their mentor at least is trying to show its okay, he seems very emotionally distant so far and alderheart feels very emotionally needy, actually both of them do, did I mention I love Sparkpaw??? I might be imprinting myself 2 much on her

I love how like, its clear both of them are absolutely anxious and worried about others opinions on them, which is clearly something they got from being Firestar's grandkids, deputy kids and leader kids. And bramblestar too, I recall him being quite the anxious lad ahhah. Sparkpaw will be showing confidence and being loud but the second anyone isn't approving of her or she does something "wrong" she gets small and quiet, and she ended up setting a high bar for herself by being good at hunting and fighting so I'm curious to see how that will go. Also there's nothing wrong with being guided through a crowded place to meet others Sparkpaw!!! I bet the two of them would be stuck without not knowing how to talk to others had Needlepaw not shown up. I love them, my gf is mocking me saying I'm a Sparkpaw kinnie.

Apprentices will like learn about a thing and tell everyone about it all the time and assume its always true in every situation and thats valid I love kids like that. Also in my head Needlepaw kinda looks like a porcupine. Oh boo she's fatphobic >:(

I love apprentices they are so fun and silly, just making fun of the leaders like its nothing. The way they are clearly learning and absorving everything their warriors say and do like sponges its just ***chefs kiss***

Omg shadowclan is just full of 12 year olds help

And then the old person said "it sure is hard being old!" And everyone clapped

Shout-out to pretty Riverclan apprentice #481977 I love her

Leafpool: 👁👁

Alderpaw: I knew it im cursed and awful and terrible and I will never amount to anything

I wish the cats didn't seem to be giving up on him so easily though

Ah yes the classic thunderclan move "you suck, into the medicine hole you go"

The way sparkpaw changes the things she says and how she does when it isn't the status quo around her oooooooooooooyeaaaaaaa I love 1 autistic cat

Alderpaw considering your problems lesser than other cats won't help you deal with them better bro

I love Needlepaw's excitement about Alderpaw being a medicine cat apprentice, and her sarcasm, she feels like a preppy teenager

Ahhh this is so good, I am so thirsty for family moments like this, just Alderpaw bonding with grandma, I’ll definitely want to draw this one it’s so sweet.

Oh to be young and silly.

I really am enjoying like, Alderpaw’s struggles to seeing how he fits in the clan, how he fits in himself, how he wants to be seen and what he wants to be, it’s really good. I Am Engaged(tm) With This Plot.

SPARKPAW NOOOOOOO but also Yes I want her to be shown vulnerable and weak please 

POP, god watching this stuff always awful, the cats must have thought he broke her ahahah

Also, really great that they learned from Dovewing and now like leave choices and discussions about prophecies between adults

And plus Brambles seemed to take the time to explain stuff to him, seems he wont be going alone either the 1 thing is that he will be the only one knowing what the journey is really about, why though??? I didnt read Firestar's Quest or whatever why does Skyclan need to be secret??? Seems quite silly really!

YESSSS SANDSTORM GET HIS ASS FIGHT FIGHT LOVE THIS LOVE SANDSTORM

I could feel squirrelflight nearing explosion here, this was very fun, i wish they werent hiding this though!!!

The secret thing is showing to be a plot point so I am once again Very Engaged

Also, wonderful dialogue bit, someone asked Bramblestar why an Elder is going and:

Lovely perfect perfect

I miss you dovewing

SQUIRRELFLIGHT LOVE YOU

Oh boy this is it

Traveling book moment

Graystripe: Soooo you're excited to go on the journey to the old territories and Skyclan?

Sandstorm: Yes! It's been ages and-

Graystripe: I'm sure the tribe will love the visit too

Sandstorm, groaning: Oh noooo I forgot about how the tribe is in the way of every journeyyyyy noooooo they're such a racist caricature, please tell me you have a plan

Graystripe: Yes don't worry about it the writers forgot about the tribe in my comic book so you can just use the excuses i did to actively avoid it

Sandstorm: Oh thank Starclan

Sparkpaw's desperation to prove herself oof, her anxiety with understanding the prophecy, oh boy, and Alderpaw feeling too overwhelmed by the questions and not managing to talk!!!! I am so glad they are both autistic

Hoping "Being Leader" wont mean theyre putting nonsense responsibility on the apprentice again

Ah good Sandstorm is on the lead again, as she should, she should have been leader she would have been great

I can't believe Alderpaw thinks I look stupid and diseased :( /j

Everything about this twoleg scene was scandalous I loved it, Sparkpaw just toppled over a trash bag and they are eating from it, iconic, also did those twolegs throw out a whole turkey? Damn

Its not that Sparkpaw is freakishly good at hunting she is very hungry and constantly on the watch for things to eat

BRO Ive never been in a road where the drivers are this wild, throwing bottles out of the car????? Ive seen Fruit being thrown like once or twice, what the fuck!!! I'm glad they are going to wait until the morning to continue

Okay I was not expecting Needlepaw to show up this girl is chaotic I love her

ACTUALLY YEAH WHY DIDNT THEY TELL THE OTHER CLANS ABOUT THIS SINCE THE PROPHECY IS ABOUT ALL THE CLANS???

Needlepaw is like Rono from Bambi 2 if he wasnt a mean bully and thats very epic

Very curious character though, how come her mentor isnt teaching her the warrior code properly? Is that an issue with all apprentices?? Is the clan overwhelmed by 12 year olds and they won?

Having lots of fun trying to play the game "what animal are they describing this time" the erins made here, im glad they're in a farm. Worried about Sandstorm though :c

Fuck im worried about sandstorm a lot, her wound hurt on Me

Yeah water is good youre right sandstorm

Aw man I hope she's okay let her at least survive to meet skyclan please

NOOOOOOOO SANDSTORMA A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sandtteooonrjrbbbmmnnnnnnnnnn

I am so sad

Alderpaw denying it, Starclan shining upon their vigil, everything crushed me i cried

Alderpaw considers Nihilism

Haven't seen a cat thank starclan for prey in a while its

Oh look they time skipped a journey! They don't tend to do that thats nice

I'm so excited to be meeting The Skyclan that everyone in the fandom knows now

So far they seem kinda mean but thats most clans at first glance really

Okay somethings up

I uh have heard of Darktail pretty sure he's a bad guy so yeah something really bad happened to Skyclan

Am worried

Darktail sounds like an evil himbo* i may be enjoying him actually

*himbos are usually nice by default so he's just evil and stupid and strong

Does needletail know these cats already?????

Ah

Shit

Oh okay fuck

I've been quietly reading the rest because I am just concerned and I want them to be okay as quickly as possible

Waterfalls are a classic nice

Oh boy time for our unlikely duo of Alderpaw and Needlepaw to get out of a Mess!

I did not expect this to end up with the two of them journeying into parenthood, but I'm happy it did

Well actually I'm very unhappy theyre so lost and there's no sign of Skyclan I am very worried for everyone involved Sparkpaw must be feeling awful!

Twigkit is a great name

Yeah this ended terribly

Overall! Frigging loved it this book was GOOD and a great start for the series I am very excited to read the rest, SO WORRIED ABOUT SKYCLAN THO AAAA the characterizations were great the characters were great the pacing was fun and I didn't get bored once!

I think o only wish I had read this sooner really so I could look up others thoughts without getting heavily spoiled about the last books, I can watch a few videos already though thats a start ahhaha. But yeah it was great and it felt very good to read, haven't swallowed up a book so quickly in a very long time!!! Very happy I finally got my hands on this 💕💖💕💖💕💖 cant wait 2 start the next one

If you read all this, hope you had fun hahaha, ill be making more of these cus theyre fun and I like talking about warrior cats thats just my thing

Til next time

[eldritchsurveys]

663.

The Collector : What is in your Nine Inch Nails collection? What are you favourite items to own? >> I don’t have an NIN collection. I just took this survey because it seemed to have okay questions when I skimmed it. (Only these first four are questions about the band, lol.)

Deep : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Music Video? >> Closer, I guess. It’s the only one I remember aside from Only, which wasn’t all that interesting (song’s catchy, though).

The Frail : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Album? >> The Downward Spiral, I suppose. Never really thought about it. Year Zero was good too.

All The Love In The World : Favourite Nine Inch Nails Song? >> I don’t have one. There are a fair few that I like, of course, but I’ve never looked at one and thought “this one is my absolute favourite of all the NIN songs I know”.

Happiness In Slavery : Do you enjoy your job or school life? >> I don’t have either of those and I’m quite content that way.

Burning Bright (Field on Fire) - Do You Feel That During The Years As You Have Grown Up, You Feel Reborn? >> Death and rebirth is kind of just a theme with me, in general.

The Fragile : Do You Think You Can Fix A Broken  Person? >> I think a person that feels broken can eventually come to feel less so. I don’t think that it’s anyone else’s responsibility to guide them there. I do think that other people can be a vital source of support and encouragement during that process, if they choose to be.

Ringfinger - What Are Your Feelings On Marriage/Relationships? >> I think marriage and romantic relationships are, you know, great. I don’t necessarily want to partake in romance, myself, but I see their value for others. (And, obviously, I see the legal/social value for marriage, seeing as that’s mostly why I agreed to it in the first place.)

Terrible Lie - What Is The Biggest Lie You Were Ever Told? >> I have no idea. One time my father didn’t tell me our puppy had run away or gotten loose or whatever until I kept asking where he was. I thought that was dumb.

Help Me I Am In Hell - What Is Your Worst Nightmare? >> I have no idea.

Gave Up - What Is Your Go-To Thing To Calm You Down When You Are Pissed Off? >> Venting to Can Calah. It’s about the safest thing I can do, because I tend to behave irrationally and potentially make things worse when I’m upset.

A Warm Place - Your Favourite Place To Be? >> In my bed, tbh.

While I’m Still Here - How Would You Like To Be Remembered? >> I’ve never given it much thought. I figure it’s beyond my control anyway.

Copy of A - Do You Believe We Are In A Simulation? >> No, but I’m always willing to entertain the idea for thought experiments.

The Becoming - Can You Open Up To Other People Easily? >> Not. At. All.

Underneath It All - Are You Over Your Worst Experience? >> Of course not. Repetitive trauma has left indelible marks on my body and mind. The more I try to pretend otherwise, the worse things get, so I might as well acknowledge it.

Love Is Not Enough - Do You Believe In “Second Chances”? >> Sure. They just don’t have to come from me.

Sunspots - Are You Afraid of Growing Older? >> Nah. I am afraid of becoming infirm, or losing senses, that sort of thing. But not just of growing older in general.

Sin - What Is Your Ultimate Pleasure? >> I have no idea.

Something I Can Never Have - If You Could Say Anything To The One Who Got Away, What Would It Be? >> I don’t have anyone like that.

Dear World, : How Do You Sleep? >> Fitfully, a lot of the time. I was sleeping consistently well for a while but in the last few months it’s been a roller coaster.

I’m Looking Forward To Joining You, Finally : Have you ever lost someone who meant everything to you? >> Sure. Eventually, I figured out that no one can actually mean everything to me, and cut that maudlin shit out.

La Mer : Do you love the ocean or do you have a fear of it? >> I love it and I fear it.

March of the Pigs : Do you eat meat? >> Yeah.

Closer : Do you choose to follow a religion? >> I’m considering it, but it’s a constant source of debate in my head right now. Mostly because I have this idea of religion as a restrictive thing, something that would take away from my personal sense of freedom rather than complementing my search for meaning or whatever. It’s something I feel like I need to discuss with someone other than, you know, my own self, to get some perspective aside from my own, but I have no idea with whom.

Starfuckers Inc. - Celebrities You Think Are Attractive? >> Meh.

Shit Mirror - Are you afraid of where the world is currently heading? >> No. I understand why people are, of course. I just... personally can’t afford to expend any energy on fearing for the future. I have enough on my plate with the present.

I’m Afraid of Americans - Do you follow politics or do you choose to stay out of that stuff? >> I choose to keep my political consumption to a minimum. For one, it legitimately doesn’t interest me most of the time. But also, like... it’s all a shitshow. I don’t think my life is enriched by knowing every little thing going on in Washington, or obsessively watching Democratic debates to figure out who is “best”. I don’t fucking know. I can’t be bothered. I’m legitimately just going to vote for whoever ends up on the blue side of the ballot in November, and hope for the best.

In This Twilight - If the end was nigh, how would you choose to go out? >> I mean, I doubt I’d be able to choose.

Year Zero : Do you have plans for the apocalypse? >> No. I don’t believe in the apocalypse and I tend not to plan for things I don’t actually expect to happen.

The Downward Spiral : Do You Feel Like You Have you reached your lowest point and have you recovered since? >> I don’t know if I’ve reached my lowest point. I’ve reached very, very low points. I think that’s enough. I’d rather not try to see if I can get lower.

Hurt : If you could, would you re-start your life again? >> Please, god, no.

The Wretched : What Do You Hate In Life? >> I hate the lasting effect of trauma.

The Lovers : Do You Have Any Vices? >> Sure. Drinking, mostly.

Maybe Just Once : Do You Feel Like a Lucky Person When It Comes to Love? >> I don’t really know what that means. I’d dare say that I’m pretty unlucky in love in general, because I... have not ever had much of it.

Gunshots by Computer : What Are Your Thoughts On Modern Technology? >> I mean, I love it? It has its downsides like anything else, but I love it all the same.

That’s What I Get : Did You Ever Have an Emo Phase? >> Nah. I pretty much stuck with goth through everything.

Not So Pretty Now: Who Is Your Most Disliked “Celebrity”? >> ---

Every Day Is Exactly The Same : Do You Feel Like You Are Stuck In The Same Routine In Life? >> Well, right now, I kind of do keep to the same routine all the time. I don’t think that I’m necessarily stuck, I just... live like this. It’s fine, for the most part. I’ve had a lot of excitement in the past, it’s not necessarily how I want to live my life all the time.

Get Down, Make Love : Do You Have a Cover Song That Tops The Original? >> Yeah, there are quite a few covers that I prefer to the original. Dream Theater’s cover of Rainbow’s Stargazer is an example.

Screaming Slave : Do You Prefer Heavier Music or Softer Music? >> I like both.

Ahead of Ourselves : Do You Think Toxic People Can Change? >> I think anyone can change. Whether they will or not is the question, not whether they can.

Leaving Hope : Is There A Song That You Listen To That Just Emotionally Destroys You? >> Sure, I guess.

Somewhat Damaged : Have you ever been in a full on physical fight? >> Yeah.

Piggy : Have you ever been betrayed in some way by a person you cared about? >> Eh, maybe. That’s not really the verb I’d use, though.

Lights In The Sky : Thoughts On The Possiblity of an Afterlife? >> The possibility is always interesting to consider.

Big Man With A Gun - Are You For Capital Punishment? >> I really have no opinion.

Eraser : What Would Your Ideal Final Words Be? >> ---

Ghosts I-IV : Do You Have Any Supernatural Beliefs? >> Some would say. Those aren’t the words I would use, though.

You Know What You Are? - Thoughts On Fake People? >> I don’t know any fake people.

Home : Where On Earth Right Now Would You Like To Be? >> I’m fine right here. We just washed bed linens and it’s always nice to burrow into a clean bed.

I’m Not From This World : What song just gives you the creeps? >> I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about a song.

And The Sky Began To Scream : Thoughts on How To Destroy Angels? >> I like a couple of songs. I haven’t really heard anything aside from that one EP, because I kind of keep forgetting to check out their other works.

Tapeworm : Do you have an embarassing illness/accident story you are willing to share? >> I don’t have any stories like that.

Fist fuck : Do you have any kinks/turn ons/turn offs? >> Yes.

Everything : Do you feel free? >> I guess. I never really thought about it, but generally, yes, I am free.

The New Flesh : Favourite horror film? >> I don’t know. I am very fond of the Hellraiser franchise in general, but not necessarily because of the quality of the films, if that makes sense... Oh, there’s also Event Horizon, that’s a horror movie and an overall favourite of mine.

[eighthmnth-blog]

          -------------- and he shall be levon       ( and he shall be a good man )    and he shall be levon       ( in tradition with the family plan )

and i oop

none of this is going to make sense. im really really tired. ive been in a hot car all day sldjskld baking. crispy. now im going to sleep before work,,, but wrow hi im r, im way too excited to be here. this intro is ?? too long but after all these years ive never learned how to stfu. i COULD have done this sooner but i also turned my brain off last night and watched baby driver for the first time and wow 10/10 would recommend sdksjdlkas i dont have discord because im living in the stone age  but im available via tumblr ims if anyone wants to plot --- ill prop make a proper connection page 2mmrow,, just fuck him up. honestly. ruin him. take out the trash.

basics    

[ luke hemmings. twenty-three. cismale. he/him. | muse 4b. ] levon by elton john just came on the radio and it made me think of august ferland. they’ve been in sundance for their whole life and they’re currently an administrative assistant. if you’re looking for them, try by the sheriff’s office, locals say they’re there a lot. [ r. she/them. 20. est. ]

SUBPLOT       if someone asked who sundance’s bad seed is, most people would say muse 4a. always getting in trouble for one reason or another, muse 4a has just never been one to follow rules. maybe that’s why muse 4b, the sheriffs child, is so drawn to them. muse 4a and muse 4b have been hooking up pretty casually, but muse 4b’s soft nature is causing them to fall for sundance’s baddest seed while muse 4a is only interested in hooking up. will muse 4a break muse 4b's heart? what would the sheriff say if they found out?

nonsensical ramblings    

the world is black and white as a child. a young august planted in front of one static plagued television, soaking up the world of cops and robbers. a mop of blond hair and a missing front tooth, beaming proudly “ MY FATHER’S THE SHERIFF “ , a hero in the boy’s mind. black & white. good versus bad.

then comes middle school, high school, and everything thereafter. it’s living under a microscope. small-town living & dealing out the law don’t tend to equate to a private life. sometimes august knows people’s business before they do —- other times the positions are reversed. it wasn’t the easiest of days, far from the romanticized lifestyle often portrayed on screen. the chill of cold shoulders never fades over the years. children told to steer clear of the ferland boy lest they find themselves under sundance’s watchful eye. the SHERIFF’S SON, an undesired spotlight.  as the years come and go, he wonders how he once wore that title with pride.

they made an angel of him. almost golden. of course, the teenage years are a rocky patch for anyone. the spark of rebellion, even he wasn’t immune. eighteen and sneaking out with his father’s pistol, shooting cans and bottles --- until he puts one single bullet through a neighbor’s window. that summer spent wasting away under a scorching sun, completing mundane tasks to earn enough to pay for the replacements. it’s out of character for him, but they write it off as a minor scare --- a teenager. no one was hurt, so all’s well that ends well. right ?

he tires of daily life. the yearning for something more never dies, it just lays dormant. only rarely given a breath of life. he grows exhausted of the endless pestering and gossip tucked in church pews. of the polite smiles and polished image. ‘ when will you settle down ? find a nice girl ? are you going to take over the station ? look at how much you’ve grown. ‘twenty-three years too long in sundance.

he knew the names before he saw them in ink at the station. his father’s endless rants, the population that put grey in his hair. miscreants, that august was explicitly told never to associate with. words that fell on deaf ears and then he goes the extra mile. he can’t help but feel a hint of shame, but never enough for him to put a stop to the sneaking. the town’s bad seed --- the sheriff’s greatest adversary and the cause of most, if not all, of his migraines. then there was august, like a moth to an open flame. it must have been some ultimate form of karma when he realizes something’s changed. the rules of the game aren’t so simple anymore, there’s more at stake. just like that, he’s damned them all. the heart wants what it wants, and now he’s cast as the fool. play with fire, get burned.

1% more brainpower used here       ( background broken down simply )

his aesthetic is that feeling you get when all your extended family ask about your dating life at the family barbecue. vague ??? maybe so, but it triggers something in me.

he’s dumb, and a tad naive lbh, but this is august.. the sheriff’s son if that hasn’t become,,, really obvious. in the brief readings i did beforehand, it seems like small-town sheriffs can sometimes have a bit of a spotlight on themselves and their family so i kind of envisioned him as being borderline lonely in his youth due to the fact people don’t want to find themselves under the microscope by being friends with the sheriff/’s family.  i think the whole sheriff thing has been a big,,, oof in his life. there are probably places he can’t go because his dad arrested the cook in the back or things along those lines.

he’s bored. he has a wifi connection. if his family didn’t think he wasn’t going to get glimpses of the outside world and want to get the fuck out of dodge then idk my dude.

he works as an administrative assistant at the station,, so he’s mainly handling the paperwork and stuff, but id imagine he's a bit of a jack of all trades in the field. takes calls, but also probably gets sent out for the really shitty jobs like the old lady who calls ten times a day for nothing, or that she’s getting calls from scammers :))) but he ain’t going out arresting anyone or doing anything serious. just the “my cat’s in a tree” bs and getting coffee.

in the public eye, he’s probably a real golden child. volunteering, going to church, helping out wherever he can. does he have a genuine interest in any of that ? absolutely not. but it reflects well on his family and on himself. he has a reputation to upkeep. he only went up to high school education-wise, and in a town that probably isn’t too fast crime wise, he has enough free time to be active in the community.

i dont know what suffers more his brain or his heart

n sync vc: bi bi bi

before my dumbass forgets, he does have a good relationship with his parents,,, when he’s not being a fucking moron. follow your heart?? not good advice for him. his mom is currently abroad. aug probably gets his desire to run from her, she’s currently teaching english abroad. he’s v proud of her tyvm. his dad?? yeah. i mean obvs aug isnt very honest about EVERYTHING. he’s gotten good at telling white lies, but he still loves his dad.  he’s also an only child so all eyes on him rIP.

i have a shitty pinterest board for him HERE there's barely anything there but yknow

he’s currently being sized for his clown shoes

thats all folks

[neverheardnothing]

what the hell will winston (and the rest of the tmc gang) even DO while working at axe cap? because axe cap clearly does NOT want quants since axe scrapped the whole team as soon as he came back.

im kinda assuming that it’s just the main 5 of them going to work at the axe cap offices for now. how does axe respond to this? the deal he made was for taylor to come work at axe cap again for a while. he really only wants taylor there. he couldnt give less of a shit about the others (well, he wants revenge on mafee). so what does he do with sara, lauren, and winston?

does winston get absorbed into their IT department? like that poor dude who got yelled at a lot when the power went out at axe cap? that’s not really his specialty though, so i cant imagine him actually going there. or does no one really notice that he’s there and so he just sits around all day and pretends he’s working, but really he’s just dicking around on reddit or working on his own projects. he just tries to keep his head down and blend into all the faceless employees at axe cap before they realize that he’s not actually doing anything all day. what about the rest of the quant team at tmc? what are they doing? in fact, what are all of the rest of the employees at tmc doing? are they also coming along to work at axe cap and we just didn’t see them there initially, or are they all back at the tmc offices just hanging around and continuing to work there. can axe cap fit all these sudden new employees arriving? how many people work at tmc? i have so many questions. back to assuming only the 5 of them go to axe cap.

or maybe the fact that winston is a quant is like a Known Fact and so all the traders at axe cap are wary of him because hes the Guy Who’s Gonna Take Their Jobs. and on the outside his personality is very brash and there’s a lot of bravado there so i can see some of them (not like dollar bill or bonnie lmao) being scared of him initially. ben kim is probably scared of winston lmao. his freakout to wendy about how he should have listened to his mom and learned how to code is coming back now that there’s an actual person here working at axe cap who is the Future of what his job will be. dollar bill and bonnie probably threaten to break his nose in or something while also very lowkey being scared.

back to everyones jobs...

lauren’s job seems pretty relevant. investor relations is important for hedge funds probably and i assume they can always use more people in that department, especially since i dont think we’ve seen anyone there before from axe cap. and if lauren is as good at it as she seems to be, then they would probably really like to use her. though would they trust her to interact with investors since she is the Enemy tm? i dont think they would want someone that hates them to be the person interacting with their investors, especially since the last time that happened, taylor walked away with billions in money from investors that were supposed to be investing in axe cap. theyre not gonna let that happen again anytime soon. maybe axe thinks the pressure of what he “has” on taylor will be enough to keep lauren in line, but still. axe has no idea what lauren could be saying to his investors. 

sara, however, what the hell is sara doing? her job is chief operating officer. which is the same title as wags, but at axe cap taylor will have no real power like they did before, so sara definitely wont either. i honestly have no IDEA what sara could be doing at axe cap tbh. thats her entire section. ive got nothing. please let me know if you think of something.

mafee has a job! he goes back to what he was doing before, but now he’s like the least popular guy in the room. except to ben kim. he’s fucking over the moon that mafee is back as we saw at the end of s4. number of traders at axe cap with even the slightest trace of morals: 2 again. i assume he and ben hang out a decent amount at work now, especially since i dont think anyone else would want to be around mafee because of the whole traitor thing. (ps how the fuck is the interaction between mafee and wendy after that whole “youre a garbage person” thing?)

ben doesnt seem to be the kind to care about his “social standing” within the company falling because he’s hanging out with mafee. i mean he gives a friendly hi to the two least popular people in the room at the moment of Highest Tension. he does NOT give a fuck. i assume winston probably also hangs out a decent amount around mafee because that’s the only other tmc person who is In The Office on the ground floor (since lauren’s job is kinda.. talking to people Outside of the office and taylor is off upstairs making those Brilliant Taylor Ideas with their big brain and being forced to hang with axe. maybe sara is also around there i guess, but she doesnt seem to be the kind to just.. hang about). but anyways this is a prime opportunity for winston and ben kim to interact, im just saying @ brian koppelman and david levien. ben is probably a lil bit scared of winston in the beginning since u know. thats his job taker right there, but he warms up to winston eventually. this isnt a benston post, ill move on now. 

(just kidding. im not done. i know the popular benston thing is that theyve secretly been dating all this time but imagine them meeting for the first time at axe cap in s5. ben and mafee are eating lunch together (acai bowls prob lmao) or something and winston just drops in, kicks his feet up on the table (mafee rolls his eyes) and casually says hi. ben on the inside is all like Ah Shit That’s The Quant Dude because he’s totally been avoiding winston up till now, but the dude is sitting across the table from him he can’t just not acknowledge him. or possibly ben has the opposite reaction. he’s grown a bit of a backbone since the last time quants were brought up. makes a show of not being scared of winston but also not being an ass to him, which makes winston respect him since everyone else here has been pretty hostile to him so far. i think winston probably has a good impression of ben because he was nice to taylor and mafee at the end of s4 and the fact that he and mafee are hanging around, so he must not be That Bad. and winston doesn’t seem to be very into the axe vs taylor rivalry (re the whole comp rant) so he probably won’t hate someone just because they work for axe cap. anyways this is the beginning of their long and healthy relationship. benston endgame yall.)

does wags remember winston? he must. that was quite an Impression he made during his interview. what are his interactions with wags like, if any? is winston all snarky like “ha, you passed on hiring me but im here anyways, fuck you” or is he wary around wags because he’s still thinking about how he got Destroyed in that interview. i dont think the walk of shame out of the building must have been something he forgot quickly. i think wags would be quick to call out winston if he weren’t doing anything while at axe cap. the interaction would probably go something like this: “ur not doing any goddamn work.” “yeah i know, u guys dont want quants, what am i gonna do?” “well, figure something out” (implied or else there). winston quickly figures something out. probably automates some stuff for them or something.

also, do people in general remember him as the guy who was REAL happy after the boxing match? i mean he kinda made a big scene. he was cheering and yelling and screaming “i won!! i motherfucking won!!” after everyone else was sitting around dejectedly because their team lost and they lost money. you have to remember that Weird Guy having a blast after everyone in the room is upset. do they seem him walk in at axe cap and go “ah, that fuckin weirdo.”

god, examining any aspect of billions for more than 3 seconds makes you realize how much of a disaster everything is. id definitely watch a show that’s just the office dynamics at axe cap now that the tmc gang is there. lord knows itd be more interesting than what’s been happening in the show up until now.

[killcomet]

Mutuals!!! here!!! read this!!! i love you!!!

heres an appreciation post to all my mutuals that i consider family!!!!! because i love you lots!!! 

WARNING TO ALL NON MUTUALS, THIS IS LONG AS FUCK

@anpandan Danny boy!!! i love you so much oh my god you are such an amazing person and i have so many good memories with you, bad ones too but even those are nice !! you make me smile and i when you sometimes respond to my updates i send you it makes me smile so softly and its just a really nice feeling? i love you a lot Danny!!!!! happy new year!

@unknowntalesx Pao, we havent talked in a while and i hope youre doing well!! ill always love you even if we dont talk. i miss you and you are such a good part of my day when i do talk to you, even if they arent very often. happy new year and merry christmas Pao!!!!!

@little-star-in-the-universe Holley Jolly, im so so proud of your resilience. youve overcome so much and grown so much as far as i can see when i talk to you. you are such a good thing to me, even though you may not feel the same. i know that you always struggle, and im incredibly impressed at how far youve come, even if youve taken steps back. even when youre feeling shitty, you always listen to me and talk to me when i need it and im thankful for that. i love you, youre my family, i hope i never ever lose you. happy new year!!!

@little-bunny-jungkookie Parent!!! ahhh you are such a role model in my mind?? you always seem to keep a somewhat level head and always are so so supportive and just ugh i want to meet you so bad?? i always love talking to you and you always seem to know how to help even if its just like telling me to go drink water or sleep. i really truly consider you family, like i would consider you someone i would follow? anyway, i love you a lot, happy new year!!!

@sundaetae Dee Cookie, my smart cookie, you amazing person you. i love you a lot, you seem to have this aura around you that just lights up rooms. you are so so creative and im so glad your personality is the way it is. you are such a light in some peoples lives and are such absolute joys to them. you are so so smart and you are a god damn fantastic thing to this world, i love you, happy new year Cookie

@jungkooksbuttons Bub, i love you a lot, even when i do seem a bit agitated. you are such an important piece to my world, and you always are there to support me when i need it. youre my cub, my cutie patootie!! you always make me smile when im a bit down and its p great honestly, and when you always talk to me about cough cough you know who cough cough you always try to just let me talk about her? which is kinda nice, but i love you my cub bub, happy new year!!!

@bloomingjiminie Marshmallow, wow i remember when i gave you that name, you were pouting about not having a nickname and wanted me to make one for you and i thought of marshmallow bc youre sweet and full of fluff and a wholesome being which is what marshmallows are. we dont talk as often as i would like, but i love you a lot and you mean a lot to me, and i just want to hug you tbh, happy new year Dia!!

@seokjinownsmyass Mina!! you amazing person, i remember when i first met you i gave you the nickname my love because you were low key jealous that me and eden were flirting so i called you my love and it just kinda stuck for a while (tho i stopped when Rae showed interest cough cough didnt want to get into that whole thing lmao) but you are such a funny and caring person and we dont talk very often but im glad we do talk in those few cases we do, its nice, but i love you a lot and happy new year!!

@problematicsinnamon baby, where do i even start. you mean a fuck ton to me, even tho i sometimes act kinda shitty. youre so supportive and so so so kind and patient and i just love you so much. you just light up my world and always make me smile and just overall always help me a lot through things. youre so so understanding and i look forward to when i get the chance to talk to you. i remember when you would go crazy the first few times i flirted with you and it made me laugh and made me smile. i remember when i said i like being given nicknames and you called me starlight and the softness i got from it. i remember when the server started shipping us lmao i remember when the first time you said i could come to you whenever i needed it. they all meant a lot to me, because they made me smile. i love you Eden baby, happy new year

@simonbunnyjunior Simon Sweetie, you wholesome being that i love v much and would suffer from the most annoying people for you. you always get me so excited when you come around. its like a bout of excitement and its really nice when im having a bad day to see that youre talk, even when im just simply lurking. theres moments i had with you that really made me laugh and smile, like the “its just platonic” thing that happened a bit back, i love you sweetie, happy new year!!

@lofisapphic Honey Bee i would drop kick someone for you. you mean a lot to me, like really truly a lot. i would never let you die and i would kill you in the after life if you did, and im saying that bc you say you will a lot. i love you to the moon and back and i would 100% support anything you do, unless its killing millions of people, thats a big no no. bUt you have y love so that should sate you for a bit lmao but seriously tho, i love you a lot and happy new year

@bangtansoftboys Robin!!! my honey bun!! we dont talk often but you are a v wholesome person. just your entire personality is so soft and fluff and overall p great. when i first came on the server, and first talked to you, i kinda thought of you as this intimidating person that was impossible to talk to, and honestly thats hard to believe now. youre way too soft to even try to intimidate me, not that you cant try. anyway, i love you a lot and hope you have a great new year!!

@kingdomzeldaquest Lotte!! my other parent!!! i love you a lot, even though we dont talk too often bc of time zones. you along with some others have been my family the longest, and i love you a lot. i remember when i first met you and i thought it was honestly wild when you said you were from australia. you always have loved me so much and always cheer me up when im feeling shitty, overall im v thankful for you lotte, i love you, happy new year

@spriteisbetter Esther !!! you wholesome wholesome human being, where do i start. you are such a soft yet firm soul hon, and i love it. youre understanding yet know when clear about what you say. you always try to make me feel better about how im feeling when i talk to you all about that stuff. youre such a comforting person and always seem to calm me. i miss you a lot and i think always will. you made my day good when you were at school and always check up on me when you can to make sure im doing ok and better, and i appreciate it a lot, more then you know. i love you hon, happy new year!!!!

@generalchenchen Rachel, bby!!! you always are such a happy soul, a loud, but happy, soul. its really nice when you dont make me talk about anything and just,, talk. its nice when you ask about my day and i tell you then you babble on about whatevers on your mind. i find it v cute and endearing when you get super excited about something and just ramble on and on about said thing. i remember when you had me come over for a sleepover to cheer me up. im so so grateful that you trust me enough to talk to me about things on your mind and that you trust me enough that you want to tell me when you leave the country. i love you, would die for you, happy new year bby

@daydream-hobii Sweets!! ive always admired your writing and i just love it a lot. youre so sweet and just really make me happy when i read your stuff and when i see that youve answered my asks! youre a really nice and v understanding when im a little down or when im not taking care of myself. you overall are just a v caring person that im grateful to know, i love you! happy new year! (´ヮ`)

@puppieseokie Fay, i know we dont talk often and were not as close and i am as everyone else, but you still mean a lot, you always have a somewhat level head and you always seem to be so calm and i kinda admire that considering the server were in together lmao but i really do appreciate youre existence, love you, happy new year!!!

@shadowclaws Sophia!!!!! i miss you!!!! i love you a lot!! i remember when we were kids and vaguely remember meeting you in kindergarden and man that was wild when i had the revelation that were in the same kindergarden class as me. you are such a funny and relatable person and so easy to get along with tbh. youre my longest friend and im incredibly grateful for you, happy new year!!!

im sure theres people im missing but im getting tired of typing and my fingers are getting cramped and this is really fucking long so like ヽ(。_°)ノ

but i love you all a lot!!!!!

[movie-reviewer-perhaps]

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD)

Yes ladies and gents tonight we are reviewing the hottest ticket in town...Avengers:Endgame, ok to be fair this isn’t gonna be like my regular stuff where i talk about the nerdy things because frankly i didnt pay attention to that; however, i will be watching this a few more times and then ill be able to talk about the more technical things but today instead of a formal review you're getting a sort of my experience/ emotions about Endgame. 

FIRST THING IS FIRST, let me just say that this movie was the definition of masterful. the Russo brothers handled this so beautifully and i honestly couldn't have asked for a better conclusion to the saga. nothing felt rushed or overlooked or glossed over, all of the emotions were explored and developed so we as an audience could feel them too. i really got a lot of the emotional impact with this one that i didnt get as much during infinity war,and i gotta say endgame was pretty much perfect on surface level. it felt like an ending it felt like we were saying goodbye to an era. i have grown up with the avengers so endgame had a lot to live up to and it did that. it delivered witty humor and emotional punches and bittersweet moments and gratifying payoffs. every single thing that i couldve ever thought of...endgame delivered. it feels so strange to say goodbye to characters ive known for so long, but, as they put it, it was the most honorable goodbye ever. i went to an 11oclock showing at night so im currently writing this at like 3am so forgive me if this is a bit dramatic bc im still all up in my feels but i guess now we should start with the discussion of what actually happened. LAST CHANCE TO GO AWAY IF YOU HAVENT SEEN IT. I was really hoping my girl black widow would make it. shes been waiting in the shadows for so long but shes such a badass character that it surprises me how underrated she is. regardless, i understand why she had to die. from a character perspective, this was the end for her. this was the end of her arch, she had served her purpose. and that act of self sacrifice for family and for her partner, it was how it was supposed to end. i dont see a better way for her death to have been handled. im sad to see scarlett go from the cast but black widow got her proper goodbye and she will always hold a place in my heart. same applies to Tony, its gonna seem like im glossing it over, but Tony’s death was what it had to be. him realizing that theres more to it than being a playboy or superhero, him relizing that he is doing this for his child and for peter, him accepting that it only goes so far, it was the perfect end to his arch, and peter telling him sorry, calling him tony, and assuring him its ok was the perfect full circle moment. as for steve, even though it isnt an official death, it was a goodbye and yet again, a perfect ending to his character arc. he got what he wanted, it was bittersweet but in the end, he realized being a soldier was the life he wanted but not needed. and seeing him be with betty at last made it absolutely perfect. Banner, although not an official death, wont be joining us in any movies with at arm but mark ruffalo still has one more movie left so heres to hoping for a buddy-cop with natasha. and just like with everyone else he wrapped up very nicely and learned to embrace the hulk. now im really curious about what theyre gonna do with thor because they left him in a sort of odd position so i wonder what thats about. all of the new characters were sprinkled in nicely but this movie wasn’t about them so im not gonna talk about it too much.and as for thanos, he remains the best villain of the MCU fit for a movie event like this (eventhough he wasnt really a main villain in this move???its wierd and ill talk about it more later) one last full circle goodbye moment i wanted to mention was the last fight against thanos with all of the people from all of the movies. that really brought it over that top for me and i realized that this was truly what it was all building up to. also captain america can handle thors hammer now?? that was pretty cool and like my whole theater gasped and cheered when it happened including me, im just sad that it wont come into play anymore because his arch is over. anyway yeah i definitely cried tons at all those moments, which was what i mainly wanted to talk about and if i dont stop talking this is gonna be wayyyy to long, it kinda already is oops. 

im gonna hold off on a score till i see it a few more times but right now it stands wayyyyy high like a 9.8/10. ill be back with a technical review and ill probably make a few more posts about my favorite moments, talking more about interesting characters ect. so stay tuned. until then, i think those are my initial thoughts on endgame. 

[theparaminds]

It’s not as though Natalie Green knew what this year held in store or what would exist at the end of the road. Though, at every step of the way, he kept going. Embodied in both his music and his story of perseverance, is a rare example of an artistic soul that found peace where few would ever dream to look. It took months of learning and continued questioning of himself and what he wanted to be. But in the end, it resulted in a man anew.

With a new project taking shape in studio sessions that contrast his earlier life, Natalie Green is finding a voice he previously was nervous to share, speaking louder than before. The ideas, memoirs and anxieties he hopes to express have become clear. With every note, he continually finds himself as much as he does connect to those who battle the same confusions.

Natalie Green now stands with a new asset he hadn’t held prior, the ability to embark on the path he wants, not the one life throws him upon. He can stand and become the artist he visualizes, the artist he knows is essential to reveal to the world. For the first time in a while, Natalie Green is in control, with a steering wheel in hand and a road of possibility on the horizon.

Our first question as always, how’s your day going and how are you?

Things have been hectic, but good. Good busy you know? There are different kinds of busy and this one has been all positive.

On your last EP last year, it sounded like you weren’t fully at peace, do you find that you are now after a year of personal introspection?

Yeah for sure, when I was writing the EP, I was in a really terrible place physically, emotionally and mentally. It was a passion project when it came out, I didn’t have to think about it. Whereas now, I’ve got a place, I’m not just in my car anymore, I emotionally feel a lot more centered, I have my head on straight. I’ve found friends and people that I love to surround myself with. Everything’s been a thousand times better.

When you’re looking within this shift you’ve undertaken, where do you think you’ve personally grown the most, whether artistically or as an individual?

I think I’ve gotten more empathetic towards people. All people. As well, I feel more self-aware. What I realized when living in my car was that I didn’t know myself. Living in a house again with roommates made me, in a new way, learn more about myself, and where I needed to spend a lot of time mentally. As far as musically, I feel more confident, I think that’s apparent in my vocals and instrumentation, they’re far more personal in that sense.

With the new year in season, being a time of reflecting upon the past year, do you have any memories that stick out to you as positive through the difficult and turbulent times?

There’s a lot. I don’t know if there’s one specific moment, but definitely moving into the apartment. I also got to play a private show in my friend’s backyard for all my close friends. That was a big moment for me. There’s a lot of moments where I had friends reassure me, and believe in me when I wasn’t doing so myself. One of my best friends from back home came to live here a little while ago, that was really special to have him back. The whole tour with Roy, of course, was inspiring, to see him do all that and becoming closer to everyone I went on tour with will forever be in my memories.

With that tour, and even more so working on Cat Heaven, happening while you were working on your own projects, did they influence the way you approached your new work?

There are certain things I learn from other people I can implement in my own music later. There will be something I’ll figure out while I’m working with someone, be it a sound or a new style, I can kinda pull out later. A lot of it is just talking to others and learning their inspirations and how that reflects in their music. Then turning and comparing that to my own influences and seeing how I do the same. It’s all just inspiration.

To touch on that idea of inspiration, you’ve mentioned in the past how you have a wide range on influences in your life in terms on music, but in the last year, which artists have really been influencing the work you’re putting out?

There’s been a lot of really great artists I just got into this past year-ish, but a big one is Michelle Zauner, who’s the singer for Japanese Breakfast. I’m hugely inspired by her, the fact she directs her own music videos and does all her own creative output, it’s really amazing. I’ve also loved the movies of Michel Gondry and the writing of Charlie Kaufman, anything they work on is amazing and so intoxicating.

With this new album you’re ramping up to release, has there been a difference in approach to how you wrote songs and lyrics? And how does that process look like?

I mean it’s been different for almost every song, I tried to do the album the same way I did the EP, and it wasn’t working right. Every song I wrote just felt lacklustre or the same. So to change it up, I had to change my methods, like the first song I wrote, I did two guitar parts first and then I sang, then produced over. That is very different to the EP which was songs first then lyrics. There are certain songs where before I recorded, I had a guitar riff and just wrote the song in a very traditional way, just chords and singing. Maybe loops would be first at times, and then they’d be built off of. Everything has been different.

It’s interesting because it sounds like you’ve really been adding more to your skill set as an artist, would you say that if you had a tool belt of music, that you’ve been adding towards it in the last while?

Yeah, definitely. I’ve been doing that my whole life honestly. I started in bands, not knowing how to produce or anything, but I could play guitar and from then I learned the bass just to add of that. Then I learned production, and that is forever useful. Now I’m working more to be an artist and learn what that entails and requires. Every time I learn something new I really take that and hold onto it until needed.

If you could create your ideal music creation space, where would it be and how would it look like?

That’s interesting, It would really just need to be a secluded place. A place I could disappear and a place I could be as loud as I want as late as I want. No interruptions, all the equipment I needed. Some food, drinks and a bathroom, that’s all I need.

Over the year you’ve posted some concerts you went to, like Paramore in the summer. Are there other shows you saw live that really had an impact upon you and maybe changed the way you approach live shows yourself?

Well, of course, the tour with Roy, he’s been super inspiring in general and watching the man work is amazing. He has a lot of fantastic ideas and he goes through with them. I saw Daisy as well, and they’re so good live. Solange was also amazing with her stage design and her choreography. I also saw Soccer Mommy pretty recently, and it wasn’t too extravagant but it was so well done and exciting to see as a fan of the music.

When you’re on stage, even something like the backyard show you mentioned earlier, what’s the emotion you’re trying to achieve and what is the mindset that you find yourself within at that moment?

When I played that private show, I realized all my songs were pretty mellow and hard to dance or move to. All except for Beachwood didn’t translate very well. So with this new project, I want them to translate really well live, to feel energetic, to feel lively. The songs are just fun. But I keep that emotion in and make sure that I don’t lose what made the earlier work so special and important.

What’s been the overall message you’re trying to pursue this new work and what is it you’re hoping to convey?

I kinda just want to tell my story. Or a story of mine. If people learn things from that, its great, but I’m just saying what happened in my experience. What I realized is that there’s a lot of shitty things that happened to me in my life, but the truth is that things could be a lot worse, so far they’ve been pretty good for the most part. While I had those tough days, I’m still here kicking it.

I apologize if it’s a repeated question, but with the topic of your story, what’s the meaning behind the stage name you’ve taken upon yourself?

It is and it isn’t part of my story in a way. A big part of that choice was that I wanted to separate myself from my old name and work. I wanted this to be super new. The name is taken from two names of people I am very inspired by. And it also, to me, sounds like the quintessential hot girl from a high school, the girl in the coming of age movie they all go after.

If you had a message to artists out there who may find themselves in the same space as you have previously found yourself within, those who may feel as unsure, what would be your lesson to pass on?

I think it doesn’t matter if you’re as confident or as talented as you want to be, as long as you recognize what sounds good to you, just put out the song. It doesn’t matter if you think your voice was bad, just keep progressing as an artist. If you wait for that progression you’ll never put stuff out, you’ll never be happy. With whatever you have right now, just start putting something, anything, out.

Follow Natalie Green on Twitter and Instagram

Listen on Soundcloud and Spotify

All Photos by Guthrie King