#ignoring my soul and true self led to a lot of …mess

[yoojinluv]

[lucyintheskywithxanax]

I Had To Know Pain Before I Could Be Comforted

Pairing: Billie Dean Howard x Fem Reader

Requested by @steveyouarelate : “37 (Lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.) and 50 (I’m sorry I’m not enough for you) (with an happy ending, please) with billie dean x reader”

A/N: there’s a lot of crying and wallowing in self-pity in this one, you’ve been warned. I wanted it to have a tragic ending but you asked for happy, so here you go. I hope you’ll like it <3

Title is a line translated from this song.

Word count: ≈ 3 700

Someone catcalled you from across the street but you didn’t find it in you to care. You had no idea where you were. Night was falling, the cold, crisp air was biting your cheeks and making your whole body shiver. You could barely feel your fingers anymore. Your feet hurt. But the pain and the cold felt good. If you could, you would close your eyes and let yourself sink into it to forget everything else.

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. You ignored it. You kept on walking, straight ahead, left around a corner, past an old man sitting on a bench. He said something to you you did not understand. A car honked nearby. Let it. Let it hit you and put an end to your misery.

Your phone buzzed again. “Oh for fuck’s sake, leave me alone,” you muttered. But even as you said it, your hand reached in your pocket for your phone. Your heart swelled with a bubble of hope, that perhaps it would be her, that perhaps her words would be the right ones and they would make everything better. You turned on the screen and read your notifications.

Coming home soon? x

I’m making mackerel in white wine

It was the cold wind that made you tear up, nothing else. Certainly not the image of Billie in the kitchen, dressed in comfy clothes, sipping a glass of expensive white wine, hips swaying to some mellow jazz song as she chopped herbs and vegetables and stirred the sauce. Sassy, brave, confident, and just a little bit reckless Billie. How you adored her. She was everything to you.

Blinking back your tears, you texted her back a few words saying you were going to spend the night at your dad’s. That was a lie, but you really couldn’t face her right now.

And it wasn’t your fault, really. You had never meant to be so messed-up. But Billie – she was the sun, she was the moon and the stars in the sky and beyond, no matter how cliché that sounded, and you… you were lying on the ground covered with dirt. You were nothing. You had not achieved a single good thing in your life. You couldn’t talk to people without making a complete fool of yourself, you had no talent, no beauty, only a boring, dull personality.

You carried that knowledge in your chest like a rock. Most of the time its weight was bearable; but there were days when the rock seemed to expand and expand until it took all the room in your chest. When that happened, nothing could bring you relief. Negativity would cloud your mind. Dark little thoughts would chirp in your ears like birds in the spring. Useless, they would sing. Boring. Worthless, they would sing.

Today was one of those days. You had woken up with a feeling of dread and dejection and it had required all of your strength to get out of bed. Luckily Billie had left for work early; you didn’t want to bother her with your problems and your bad mood. And then things had just gotten worse and worse.

Today you had lost your job. Your boss had warned you several times before: you weren’t as efficient as your co-workers, you didn’t work fast enough, didn’t smile enough. You simply were not enough. So today he had held the front door open for you and slammed it behind you and had not even bothered to hide his satisfied smirk. Since then, you had walked. Roamed the streets, tried to make one with the cold.

Your phone rang. Billie’s name appeared on your screen. You stared at it for a moment before you accepted the call. You knew she may very well drive to your dad’s if you ignored her, and then what? She’d know you had lied to her. Besides, a tiny part of you was still hoping she would know what to say, she would just know, without you having to tell her, and that rock in your chest would turn to dust and flowers would bloom in its place.

“Hi sweetpea,” said Billie. Her voice was cheerful, but you knew her well enough now to hear the tinge of worry in it.

“Hey,” you said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand. Are you mad?”

There was a soft clang, something metallic being moved. “Of course I’m not. But are you sure you’re alright?”

You closed your eyes and swallowed hard. “I’m fine. My dad just really needs company right now.”

Did she even care? Or was she relieved that you wouldn’t be spending the night together?

“I’m sorry you made dinner for me,” you went on, eyes still shut tight.”I should have warned you, but he –“

“It’s fine, Y/N, really,” Billie cut you off. “We have that wonderful thing called a fridge that I can use to store leftovers.”

A small laugh escaped you.

“But I’ll miss you,” Billie said. She paused, and again you pictured her, her free hand on the counter, fingers drumming, an apron tied around her waist, hair as perfectly done as if she were about to attend a movie premiere. Another small laugh escaped you, affectionate, incredibly sad.

“Me too. I’ll be back tomorrow. Love you.”You hung up before she had time to say it back. You weren’t sure you could hear those words from her right now.

What would she think when you told her you had lost the one thing that still made you a person of value to the world? You couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on her face. She would be kind, of course, and tell you not to worry. Maybe she would even say that she still loved you. But that wouldn’t be true. Billie deserved someone who, like her, had shot for the stars and made it. Someone who shone as bright as she did, someone she could be proud of – not a liability like you.

You walked. When you took a look at your surroundings, you realized you didn’t know that part of the city. It looked like a wealthy residential neighbourhood, big white houses with large porches, impeccably mown lawns. The streets were deserted. You walked.

Spending the night at your dad’s wasn’t even an option. He was too boisterous, too loud. Your best friend would know something was wrong the minute she’d take a look at your face, and then she would ask questions, demand answers you didn’t want to give her. So you kept on walking, dragging around that rock which after so many years had become a part of you. You didn’t even know if you would want to get rid of it. It felt like company now.

A bridge, across a canal. Past the city hall. You reached downtown, busy, wild, buzzing with life. People brushed past you and laughed at each other and talked too loudly. The city watched you roam without offering the least bit of comfort. You had tried to find solace in its streets hundreds of times before, fueled by the naive belief that the city would welcome you with open arms and a kind smile. But the city was indifferent and selfish. The city sneered at the lost souls that wandered the night.

Maybe you could get a hotel room. You stopped in front of the first hotel you found and stared at the door, but soon realized you were incapable of going in. It was as if your legs had frozen, as if some sort of force were pushing you away. So you walked on. Your heart was secretly singing for home.

But you couldn’t go home. You couldn’t do that to Billie. You were a burden to her, and that had to stop. She had too many great things to achieve, a whole future made of gold and diamonds and glorious victories, to be held down by someone like you. So shut up, you ordered your heart. Don’t yearn for something you do not deserve.

You walked. You walked until you were sure your feet were bleeding and every muscle in your legs was screaming in agony. A little past midnight your mind went numb. You walked. At 1am a dog barked at you, at 1:34 a drunk whistled and called for you to come with him. At 2:30 you finally looked up and realized your aching feet had led you back home.

You tried, you really did, to go away. Go back downtown, get a freaking hotel room to spend the night. Your feet led you to the front door, your hand turned the key in the lock. You could sleep on the couch, you told yourself. You could sleep on the couch, and leave at dawn before Billie woke up.

The house was dark and silent. You waited a few seconds, your heart beating fast in your chest, listening for any sound, any indication that Billie was still awake. Nothing. You took off your coat and shoes, and dropped your bag on the floor. You waited a few seconds more. When you had convinced yourself Billie was asleep, you tip-toed all the way to the living-room. The floor was cold under your feet, the walls seemed to be closing in on you in the dark.

You hadn’t eaten since breakfast, but you weren’t sure your stomach could hold food right now. All you wanted was to collapse on the couch and bury your face in the pillows and sleep. Forget that you existed.

Your right foot slammed into a suitcase you had not bothered to put away earlier in the day. A curse escaped you, low and angry, and out of the corner of your eye you saw something stir in the darkness of the living-room. You jumped, raising an arm to defend yourself, and squinted at the shape that straightened and turned, light from outside falling on strawberry blond hair.

Billie reached out to turn on a lamp and grimaced as the bright light blinded her. She raised one hand to shield her eyes, blinking away sleep. There was a red mark on her left cheek, and you quickly realised she had fallen asleep at the table while doing crosswords. She often did that, when she couldn’t sleep. Crosswords helped her focus when her mind was buzzing with too many thoughts.

She met your eyes, blinked again, and then she smiled. You stood frozen as if you had turned into a statue, the mad pumping of your heart the only sign that you were still alive.

You could have tried to make a joke. You could have lied to her again, said you had tucked your dad in and left. Instead, your throat closed up, your heart dropped into your stomach, and to your utter shame and despair you felt your eyes fill with tears.

You were so tired. How so tired of being you.

All you wanted was to sink into Billie’s arms.

For a minute there was only silence. You watched as Billie’s expression turned from surprised to happy to confused. Oh God, what would she think of you? How she would despise you. She would think you were a sad, pitiful creature and she would be right.

You prayed for something, anything, an earthquake, a meteor crash, a tidal wave even though you lived miles from the ocean, that would put an end to your miserable life.

Billie stood up, smoothing one hand over her wrinkled clothes. Only now did you notice that she hadn’t changed from work. Had she been waiting for you this whole time? Your heart tightened in your chest. No, that couldn’t be. She had probably tried to make the best of her one evening of freedom, her one happy evening when she could celebrate your being finally out of her hair.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight,” she said with a small smug smile. She held out one hand as if to touch you and you flinched. She noticed, and her smile wavered.

“Are you alright?”

“I –“ With a shake of your head you took a few steps away from her, your throat thick with tears, and when you shot her a glance her face was blurry but you could still see the damned worry in her eyes –

“Y/N what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice getting higher and shaky as it always did when she was anxious. She walked up to you, but kept enough distance between you and her so as not to make you feel cornered.

“I lost my job.” The words tumbled out without permission. You were so tired. You just wanted to be held. “I got fired because I couldn’t do my job properly.”

Silence.

That was it, then. You had lost her. She was seeing you for who you really were; the veil love had dropped over her eyes was finally being lifted.

You couldn’t look at her, so you closed your eyes and let your tears fall.

“I’m so sorry,” you sobbed, one hand coming up to your chest for it was too tight, it was crushing your heart and it hurt too much. “Billie, I’m so sorry I keep disappointing you.”

A hand, on your arm. A question, barely above a whisper. “Honey, what do you mean?”

A sob pushed out of your throat, loud and painful and so despicable. “I’m sorry I’m not enough for you.”

She let out a noise, a gasp, but to you it sounded like a contemptuous, mocking laugh, a laugh that said, Look at you, pitiful, pitiful little creature.

“Y/N,” she started, but you shook your head. You still couldn’t look at her.

“Listen, I’ll get my things, I understand. Just – let me sleep here tonight. Please. I’ll sleep on the couch, only for tonight, and then I’ll leave I’ll – “

“Y/N what are you talking about?”

You felt her grip on your arm tighten, acrylics digging into your skin.

“Just one more night, please, Billie,” you begged.

“Shut up. Stop talking. You’re not making any sense, honey.”

“I’m so sorry,” you cried.

A hand on your cheek. You almost flinched, almost recoiled, but you managed to stop yourself from doing so. There was no need to hurt her more than you already had.

“Please stop apologizing,” Billie whispered. Why did she sound so broken? “Tell me what to do. What can I do?”

You shook your head again, choked on a sob. Billie’s thumb was gently stroking your cheek, catching your tears and wiping them away.

“Lie to me,” you whispered. “I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again. Tell me I can be enough for you.” You opened your eyes, then, and looked up at her. And you could have hit yourself, you could have stabbed your chest and ripped off your heart, for her face was coated with tears that dripped down her chin, and her gaze was so terribly sad.

She let out a strangled breath. “Oh, Y/N… come here, come here baby.”

You didn’t even try to fight her. Your body sank into hers like a stone into water. Your hands slid up her back to grab fistfuls of her shirt as you buried your face in her shoulder. She wrapped one arm around your waist and put her other hand on the back of your head, pressing you closer against her. She was being so gentle, so loving, dropping kisses on your temple, murmuring sweet nothings in your ear – it only made you cry harder. Because you were going to lose this, to lose her, and you’d never have the strength nor the will to find that kind of sweet love ever again.

She started humming, a soft tune, as she rocked you like a child and you sobbed and wailed. Her voice was always a little bit raspy when she sang, a little bit out of tune, never quite managing to hit the right notes. Hearing her sing always soothed you. She ran her fingers through your hair, acrylics gently grazing your skull, just the way you liked it, because it always made your skin tingle everywhere.

Damn her, she knew you so well. She knew exactly how to help you calm down, how to make part of that ache in your chest disappear.

Minutes passed. Billie was still humming when you finally felt like you could breathe again. You turned your head, pressed your cheek against her shoulder – her blouse was wet now, you had done that, ruined it as you always ruined everything. You forced yourself to take a deep breath, relishing the smell of her, so precious, so loved – you would have to keep it safely stored in your mind to never forget it. Maybe, on the darkest of nights to come, when everything and everyone would fail to soothe your soul, if you closed your eyes tight enough you would be able to conjure her scent again, and then sleep would finally come.

Billie’s hand slid down the side of your face to cup your cheek. You closed your eyes, counted to three, then pulled away.

Her gaze was still so very sad when you met her eyes, but she managed to offer you a smile. She gracefully wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek.

“Why are you crying?” you frowned.

Billie let out an incredulous laugh. “Did you hear what you said to me?”

There was no reproach in her voice, only sadness, and that felt like a stab to your heart.

“I’m sor –“you started, but she interrupted you with a slender finger on your lips.

“I told you to stop apologizing.” She offered you another shaky smile, but then her brow pushed up in concern. “Did I –“Her voice broke. She swallowed, tried again. “Did I do something to make you feel like you were not enough?”

Did she… what? You weren’t sure you had heard her properly. Had those words really left her mouth, or had they been uttered by a malicious spirit? How could Billie, Billie who was so considerate, so loving, so utterly perfect – how could she think she had done anything wrong?

Her face crumpled as she misinterpreted your silence. “Oh no baby, I’m so s –“she started, but you interrupted her.

“No, Billie, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Your voice was hoarse from crying. You shook your head, biting your lower lip to hold back fresh tears. “You’ve been so good to me. The best thing that ever happened to me. The truth is, you’ve been too good and I don’t… I don’t want to hold you back.” She opened her mouth to protest, but you shook your head again, a silent pleading to let you finish. “Now that I’ve lost my job you’re gonna have to provide for me and I can’t let you do that. I can’t be a burden I can’t –“

Again, a finger on your lips. You fell silent. Something in you disappeared and you felt your body go limp, as if there was no strength left in you.

Billie’s finger gently tapped your lips as she gazed at you thoughtfully.

“I don’t mind providing for you while you look for another job,” she said after a while. Her brow furrowed. “Or maybe you should take a break. Maybe I should, too. We could go somewhere nice and relax for a while.”

“But I –“Another tap on your lips.

“But you –“you tried again, but again she interrupted you. You planted a kiss on her finger in retaliation, and were rewarded with a small smile.

“I couldn’t sleep without you,” Billie said in a low voice. Her eyes met yours, kind and vulnerable. “You’re not a disappointment, Y/N. It’s got to the point I cannot even imagine my future without you.”

You couldn’t help it: you dissolved into tears again. Billie cooed and gently guided your head against her shoulder. You clang to her, hoping you could get rid of your negative thoughts with every sob. It didn’t work like that, you knew it, but when you were in Billie’s arms it almost seemed life could be easy and kind.

You didn’t pull away when your tears subsided. You kept your eyes closed, enjoying Billie’s embrace, her hand running through your hair, her warmth. You felt thoroughly empty now, thoroughly spent. Sleep weighed on your eyelids. You wrapped your arms around Billie’s waist and pulled her closer still, breathed in her scent and let out a sigh.

“What happened?” Billie whispered after a while.

“I told you.” You nuzzled her shoulder. “I lost my job.”

“No, I mean… what happened?”

You got her meaning, somehow, as if your mind were perfectly attuned to hers. You hesitated. Swallowed hard.

“I don’t know,” you said in a breath. “Sometimes it feels like I can never be a viable option for anyone, especially not for you. I know it’s stupid, I know I have no real reasons to feel that way. But I can’t help it.”

Billie hummed. She dropped a kiss on your forehead, warm lips lingering on your skin. “I love you,” she said, voice firm and raspy. She ran one hand up and down your back, nails scratching gently.”And I want you, even when you’re at your lowest and ugliest, even when you don’t have a job.”Her hand slipped over your shoulder, under your chin, titled your head up. She waited for you to meet her eyes. “You’re allowed to not be at your best all the time. That doesn’t make you worthless.”

And as you gazed at her with half lidded eyes, her words sank into you and settled in your chest and bloomed there. Eased the ache. Maybe only for a few hours, maybe only for a few days, but it was all you needed right now. And somehow she had known exactly what to say. And she would know what to say the next time.

You blinked sleepily, and she cooed, smiled a smile that was half fond, half smug. “Do you need to get some shut-eye, my little bear?”

You rolled your eyes at her, but were betrayed by a yawn. Her smile grew into a smirk.

“Shut up,” you muttered, as you buried your face in her chest, nuzzled the exposed skin, and smiled.

[lis-likes-fics]

Intoxicated

Pairing: Carlisle Cullen x Reader Word Count: 7,877 words. JFC. I know, I know Warnings: Alcohol use, drug use, accidental overdose, and a lot of angst. Author’s Note: Okay.... I know. I got a little bit carried away again. Bite me. This is part two of Concussed. I’m super happy with it.

~~~~~

Y/N sighed as she stepped out of her car. Carlisle gave it to her after the accident, her car had exploded after the wreck. She didn't think Jacob would be able to fix that.

She just came back from her day at work at the Carver Café. She'd already graduated and decided to get a job for the money, but mostly just to keep her busy during the day when Carlisle was at work.

She locked the car and walked up to her door, digging in her bag for her keys while moving a strand of hair from her face. When her hands wrapped around the keys, she unlocked her door and walked inside, kicking off her shoes while closing the door behind her.

She set her bag on the table, picking up her phone to call Carlisle after her long day of work. The phone rang a few times as she waited, taking the dollar bills and loose change from her bag and moving it to her money jars.

When the phone didn't pick up, she furrowed her brow and called again. He never missed a call.

When the phone didn't pick up the second time, she started to get worried. She walked to her kitchen, stopping at the door as she looked at the counter. There was a paper, a letter.

She eyed it, wondering what the letter could have said. She saw the flawless signature at the bottom, Carlisle.

Why didn't he call or tell her in person?

She picked up the note and read it carefully:

"My dearest, Y/N,

There are no words to express the gratitude I feel in my heart because our hearts have come to dwell together as one. You are my life, my heart, my soul. You are my one true love. The day we met was fate. You are my destiny. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and I will love you more tomorrow than I do today. Loving you is the only thing that makes my life worth living now.

I love you and I always will until my existence may come to an end. I want to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you and how much you really mean to me.

You gave me comfort and confidence where there was doubt. I want to be there when you need to talk. I want to be the comfort for your soul. I want to love you in the way you deserve to be loved. I need you to be a part of my life. All the things that I told you about how I felt and how you make me feel were true.

But I can't be here for you without putting you in danger. You are my love, my life, my heart, my soul, and my everything. If I were to be the reason you get hurt, or worse, I would never be able to forgive myself.

So my family and I are leaving. In time, I hope you are able to move on and find someone who makes you feel whole, who makes you feel better than I ever could. You are a strong woman, so you don't need me. I know that you have the strength to pull through this so you can live a full, happy, and safe life.

I'm sorry for any pain I have ever caused you, I'm sorry for any pain I may cause you. I love you, and I will always love you.

Goodbye, my love.

Forever yours, Carlisle."

Her brain worked to process the letter, trying to let the words sink in. When they did, they hit her hard. It was worse than the car crash, the pain sinking into her body, followed by a cry.

Her legs came out from under her, unable to hold her up and support her. Tears sprang to her eyes and were instantly free falling. A strangled cry left her throat and she dropped the note.

Her head was buried in her legs. She didn't know how long she was there crying. The pain blinded and deafened her. All she could hear was his voice repeating "We're leaving."

Her whole being hurt, she felt her heart being torn in two.

He called her strong. He said she would be able to move on, in time.

He must have not realized just how self-destructive she was. He had become her life and he was leaving her. How could she move on from that?

"I don't want to lose you." Those were the words he told her that same night. Why was he leaving her without those words hanging in the air?

Why would he leave her?

~

Months had passed. Y/N was a wreck. She attempted going to the Cullen's house to see if it was some sick joke, but she could bring herself to go. She couldn't face the emptiness of that place.

She tried to check up on Bella, but she decided against it. Her mental health was crumbling, she would never be able to help Bella.

Y/N focused on work at the diner. Everyone noticed how lifeless she had become in such a short period of time. She was visibly deteriorating.

When she wasn't at the diner working herself to death, taking double shifts, triple shifts, quadruple shifts to keep her distracted, she was at her home with a bottle of something strong.

Since she lived next to the Chief, she was one of the people in town who people usually knew. Charlie had some sort of guardian responsibility over her after her grandfather died, people knew her.

Because of this, she had to drive all the way to Port Angeles to get her bottles of sweet drunkenness. The longer she was sober, the longer she had to deal with thinking of him.

She didn't want to think of him. Thinking of him meant thinking of him leaving her. Which led to some eternal outlet that would lead to the end of her existence.

She didn't like thinking of him.

If he would just come back to her, she would finally be okay. All she needed was for him to come back.

But that would never happen. He left, he's gone.

Y/N plopped down on her couch, a glass in her hand and a bottle sitting on the table for her refill. She searched through the TV to find something to watch. There had to be something to distract her, something to watch drunk. She knew better after learning from her mistake the first time she got drunk with the door unlocked and her keys in hand.

It was a long day of waiting for her bus back home. She had no idea how she wound up in Montana, but she did.

There was a knock on her door and she groaned loudly, hiding the alcohol in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, putting the jug of dish soap in front of it.

There was another knock on the door and she spoke in the clearest voice she could manage, "I'm coming."

She sighed and grabbed a bottle of water and a mint before opening the door. Bella stood on the other side, bags under her eyes from her lack of sleep and that spark she used to hold gone. Y/N was surprised to see her out of her house or school, she wasn't really active these days.

"Hey, Y/N. Sorry to come over like this," she said, looking at her.

Y/N shook her head, "No problem. Come in."

"Thanks," Bella mumbled as she walked into the house. Y/N scratched her head before closing the door, seeing Bella standing awkwardly in the world.

"Please, sit down," she told her, having a seat herself on her couch.

Bella took the offer, sitting in the chair next to the couch. Y/N asked hesitantly, "How are you holding up?"

Bella chuckled humorlessly, "I don't really want to talk about that."

"Yeah," Y/N muttered, "Me, neither." She stood with a sigh, headed to the kitchen to get a snack or something. "How are your nightmares?" Y/N asked, tripping slightly when she got to the threshold of the kitchen. She muttered a curse word under her breath.

"Are you okay?" Bella asked, concerned about the slip up. Y/N nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine." Despite her best efforts, the slight slur in her tone had managed to escape as she grabbed a bag of chips and poured it in a bowl, taking it back to the living room.

She sat back down on the couch and Bella nodded strangely, "My nightmares are…just the same as they usually are."

Y/N sighed, "Yeah, Charlie tells me sometimes. Says he's wearied- worried about you. Wants me to try and help but… if it's anything like me… I won't be able to."

Bella furrowed her brows, looking at her closer. Bella blinked and shook her head, "Y/N, are you...drunk?"

Y/N looked at her, shaking her head quickly, "What? No! No, I'm not-I'm not drunk. I'm fine… I'm perfectly…completely…fine."

She looked down at a small dog figurine on the table to distract her before looking up to meet Bella's gaze. Tears began to make their way to her eyes, one managing to slip as her lip quivered slightly. She sighed and nodded slowly, "Yeah. I'm… a mess."

She couldn't stop the tears now, so she opted to ignore them. A downside to her being drunk was the spontaneous decision to either be void of emotion or ambushed with it. She always either ended up crying herself to sleep or staying up almost all night long before passing out with an hour of sleep under her belt.

She wiped a tear away, "I don't know what to do. Sobriety makes me think of him and I don't want to do that…"

Bella understood, nodding her slowly as she turned away, her own eyes filling with tears as she sympathized her pain with her own.

"I don't have anyone. My parents are dead, my grandfather is dead. I don't have any other family and I'm here alone," Y/N shook her head, sniffling and turning away from Bella completely.

Bella was always easy to talk to. She didn't judge, she didn't criticize. She would sit and listen and just be there, as a friend should.

Bella nodded, "For what it's worth, you'll always have Charlie and me."

Y/N took in those words. Charlie was always right next door when she needed him, no matter how little that was. He was there, his door was always open. Bella knew the same things Y/N did, so they could empathize with each other. They'd become somewhat family to her.

She just wished she could have her life back. He left with that.

"Thanks, Bells," Y/N told her gently. She looked around her house before her eyes landed on Bella again as she wiped her face, "Uh, can we keep this under wrap? No one in town knows and I want to keep it that way."

Bella nodded, "Won't tell a soul."

"Thanks."

For quite a while that night, the two allowed each other company and open ears. It was nice to have someone who knew, someone who knew.

No one else knew about her relationship with him. She was just out of high school, it would be strange if they got together when he was supposed to be in his late twenties to early thirties, at least to the humans.

Y/N fell asleep sometime after Bella had. It was late and they were both tired, Y/N especially.

When Bella started screaming in her sleep, Y/N bolted up quickly, easing her awake and telling her she was dreaming. Bella apologized heavily and Y/N told her not to worry. She found herself having nightmares of her own some nights.

Bella went back home after she'd woken up and Y/N poured herself a glass before trying to catch sleep of her own.

She went to her bed after cleaning up and was able to pass out from exhaustion. When she dreamt, she couldn't tell how much she wanted to.

Her dreams were the same for months.

~

"Y/N," her name was called by a voice she never thought she would hear again. She looked around in search of the angelic voice she had missed so much, "Where are you?"

She ran, searching frantically. She couldn't find him, he wasn't anywhere in reach. All she could hear was her name being whispered, as if carried in the wind.

"Where are you? Please!" She called, desperate to see her love again. She needed him, she couldn't go on without him.

"Please! Carlisle, come back!" She called, the name falling off her lips like both honey and poison. She couldn't tell which one. It was a bittersweet taste that drove her mad to think about.

"Please!" She cried, "I need you!"

"Y/N," his voice was closer now. She turned to see him, afraid that, if she wasted time, he would be gone again.

Her breath caught in her throat, but she didn't feel any different. When she saw his face, it was somehow paler than it normally was. His eyes were dark and tired, his hair was a mess. She stared at him in shock.

She reached a hand out to touch him. But just as her hand touched his cheek, he was gone.

"No, Carlisle!" She yelled, panting as she woke in a cold sweat. Tears covered her face and sweat covered her body.

She bent over and sobbed, her face buried in her knees as she let out the pain she was feeling that curled in her chest like a snake coiled around its prey. Pain filled her head as her headache ripped through her with a vengeance from both the drunkenness and the tears.

It was hard to breathe through her tears when everything hurt so much. It felt like she was being ripped open from the inside. Saying his name out loud only brought back to memories she worked so hard to drown out with alcohol.

Her eyes were red and puffy from crying so much. Her throat hurt from sobbing. She stood and headed downstairs, pushing past her bottles of dish soap to grab the alcohol bottle waiting for her.

She wished he would just come back to her. She wished he would bring back her heart, be with her again so she could stop hurting. Y/N just wanted him back.

~

Weeks past since this, she was no better. No one thought she would be. She dragged herself to her kitchen for a drink and something to eat.

Her hands grabbed at air as she dug through the cabinet under the sink and she sighed heavily. Y/N turned regrettably, her last bottle was in the trash. She'd finished it last night.

Y/N groaned loudly and stood, replacing her drink with water. She checked her phone, she had the day off of work. So no work to distract herself.

She knew she would be heading out of town today, so she made a checklist of things she would need.

Dinner. She needed food, her fridge was empty. She worked so late that she forgot to go to the store. She sniffed and sighed, she'd go later on today.

She also needed to do her laundry before it piled up. She would do that first and head into the city when that was finished.

The day was long and sober. She couldn't escape her own thoughts as she was left thinking of him with every move.

She hadn't seen Bella lately. All she knew was that she was hanging out on the reservation quite a lot with Jacob. She wondered if that's where she was right now. She especially hadn't seen Bella in the past couple of days.

Y/N would have joined her on the Rez with Jacob, but she thought it best not to. Bella needed this. She seemed better with Jacob around.

When the clothes were folded and put away and the laundry was all done, she headed out. She was running out of tolerance with sobriety.

The drive was about an hour as she came up on the grocery store. After the quick run, she went to the liquor store she always visited for her drinks.

"Ran out again?" The clerk asked as he checked her. She nodded, "Yep, I'm glad you've got me."

"Always do," he chuckled lightly before she paid and left. She went to her car, her bags on her arms as she sighed heavily.

"Psst," she turned around and saw a woman leaning against the side of the building. The woman gave a smile and asked, "Is the liquor satisfying you?"

She raised a brow and just stared back at the woman. She shrugged lightly, "I can give you something stronger. I've seen you around here a couple times a month, for the past six."

Y/N sighed, "I don't want what you're selling. I'm sad, not suicidal."

She laughed, "This stuff won't kill you, it'll just make you feel good. First time I tried it, I had a good time doing it. It'll make you feel real happy."

Y/N bit her lip and thought for a moment. She actually thought about it. She promised herself she wouldn't do anything worse than liquor, but even the liquor was losing its touch. She sighed, "What is it?"

"Just the happy stuff, give it a special name and you get cops on your back. It's nothing you need a needle for, if that's what you're worried about."

That was good. She hated needles. She bit down on her lip before asking, "Normally, it's two hundred."

Y/N's eyes widened slightly. The woman smirked, "But I'll make it one if I can have the best thing you got in there." She motioned to her bag and Y/N thought some more.

She nodded and grabbed her wallet, taking out the two fifties she had. She thought about it a little more, this was a big decision.

But she was too far gone to care. She sighed and handed it over, along with her best bottle, "Here."

The woman smiled and dug in her bag, pulling out a tiny baggy that held a large pill. Y/N grabbed it and put it in her pocket before turning to leave before she made any more big mistakes.

"Have fun," she said as she popped open the bottle.

Y/N got in her car and drove back home. Quickly unloading her food and liquor, she put everything up. She locked the door behind her as usual, grabbing a bottle and pouring herself a couple glasses.

She had completely forgotten about the pill in her pocket until she changed into short shorts and a t-shirt, the baggy falling out of the pocket.

She looked down at the pill, putting a little more thought into it. Unfortunately, it was hard to think. She was already drunk, she got better at downing her liquor with each cup.

But that's why she bought it, wasn't it?

She picked up the pill and sighed, putting it on her tongue and swallowing it, following it with liquor.

The pill worked quickly. At first, she could see how the pill made you feel "happy". She was dancing around her house, tripping over things and enjoying herself.

Then her pulse sped up and she felt nauseous, but she couldn't feel herself puking. Nothing was coming up, she only had the feeling.

When her energy went down dramatically, so did her pulse. She bumped into the table in the living room and tripped slightly.

She got back to her feet, her vision blurry. She was sweating like crazy and she felt horrible. Then she tripped behind the couch, her head fuzzy and her body numb.

Her mouth started foaming a little, her vision fading in and out. She didn't know when she passed out, but she did. She kept coming back to consciousness, but it was hard to feel. Her body hurt, but she couldn't move.

The door opened at some point as her eyes opened lazily. She couldn't see anything, she still had foam coming out of her mouth. It tasted disgusting.

She tried to make a sound or move, but she couldn't. She heard the footsteps but her eyes closed again and she faded out.

~

The door swung open and his eyes widened as he saw Y/N laying behind the couch, foaming at the mouth.

"Y/N!" He exclaimed, kneeling beside her as he tried to listen closely to her heartbeat. It was slow, too slow. If he could cry, he would have.

He placed his cool hand on her cheek, "Y/N, love, wake up. Please."

He looked up and rushed to her bathroom, searching through her cabinet in search of something to use. When he found the activated charcoal, he sighed in relief and snatched it.

He paused when she saw the antidepressants sitting next to it. It was mostly untouched, it didn't seem like it'd been used in months. She'd given up on them.

He frowned and swallowed hard before heading back downstairs to her. He opened her mouth and put one of the pills in her mouth, following it with water to get her to swallow it.

"Come on," he muttered to himself, "Swallow it. Please, take it."

She managed a small noise as she tried to mumble, but her lips barely moved. When he saw her swallow the pill, he nodded and sat her up against his chest.

"Come on," he said, "You'll be okay. It's okay." He picked her up and set her on the couch, her head propped up on a pillow. "You'll be okay," he told her, his face was pained as he watched her.

He stayed with her, giving her a little bit of water at a time after wiping her mouth of the foam and sweat.

He could hear her heartbeat return to normal, the sweat died down and he laid a blanket over her. He sighed with much relief as she slept. He couldn't believe what he'd seen. This wasn't supposed to happen.

He looked around the house, the house he'd missed walking into. He saw the bottle of liquor and the cup on the table and frowned.

He turned to the kitchen, the fridge had food in it, but it wasn't as full as it needed to be. He sniffed the air and bent down in front of the sink, opening the cabinet to see the fresh bottles hiding behind the soap.

He sighed again, wiping his face before glancing back at her sleeping on the couch. He wandered around the home, trying to see what all was different. He went back to the bathroom to put the charcoal pills back in it. He picked up the bottle of antidepressants, looking at the date written on it.

It was sometime after he'd left.

After a while, he'd heard her scrambling downstairs, followed by a retching sound as she puked. He rushed downstairs to her, taking her hair in his hands to move it out of the way.

She jumped slightly at the touch but was too caught up in throwing up. When she was finished, she collapsed on the floor next to the trash, wiping her face.

He knelt in front of her, not sure if he should offer her a smile or a sad look. He gave her a sad smile to even it out.

Y/N blinked at him and muttered quietly, she was in shock and disbelief, saying his name still hurt. This was some illusion, he wasn't coming back.

"Carlisle?" She spoke, her voice wavering as she ready had tears welling in her eyes at saying the name and seeing him.

"Y/N," Carlisle sighed, reaching his hands out to touch her, "What happened to you? Why would yo-"

She cut him off, standing up as she flinched away from him. She thought him coming back would make everything better. She thought she would throw herself into his arms and tell him how much she missed him.

But she was just pissed.

"What the hell?!" She yelled, moving away from him, her eyes burning in anger.

Carlisle watched her, silently getting back to his feet. She stared at him, her eyes brimming with tears, her voice wavering drastically.

"You leave me here alone and then show up after six months with no explanation? I thought you were never coming back! I spent weeks trying to convince myself that you would return and then it turned into months and I lost all hope of ever seeing you again," she sobbed.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I was trying to keep you sa-"

"Keep me safe?" She scoffed, "That's not an excuse, Carlisle. I wish it was, but it isn't." She shook her head and another round of sobs left her, shaking through her violently.

Carlisle hated seeing her cry like this, he hated seeing her so broken. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"You left me here alone. I didn't think you would ever come back. I thought I meant nothing to you."

He tried again, "Y/N-"

"I'm not finished," she told her. She hadn't raised her voice, she had strained it by crying and she knew she wouldn't have to raise it to stop him. He would listen to her.

"I thought you loved me. That's what you told me," she shook her head before allowing herself to look up at him.

"I do love you," Carlisle told her quickly. He couldn't bear the thought of her not knowing that he loved her.

"Then why did you leave?" The room fell silent as she stared him down. He looked away from her, he couldn't take the look in her eyes as she stared at him. They were heartbroken, beaten, she looked hopeless and broken. She continued, "You could have brought me with you, or just stayed. You hurt me, Carlisle. You were supposed to protect me, but I needed protection from myself and you weren't here to give it."

She fell silent and Carlisle hesitated to look up at her, but he did. She was still staring at her feet, tears dropped from her eyes as her lip quivered uncontrollably. Something in him made him move closer to him, his arms out for a hug. He just wanted to calm her, to help her, to wrap his arms around her to tell her that he was here and would never leave her again.

But he couldn't.

"Don't touch me!" She exclaimed, holding her arms around herself. She looked back down at her feet with blurry vision.

Carlisle's eyes held grief, pain, and sorrow. He didn't like seeing her like this. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Y/N sighed heavily and went to her couch, sitting down and pouring a glass of scotch. Carlisle was by her side in a split second, his hand grabbing the bottle and pulling it from her grip.

"You shouldn't be putting this stuff in your body, you almost just died because of it. You've polluted your blood, it smells different," he told her gently.

Y/N didn't look at him, she stated at her glass and sighed, "You... get no say… in what I choose to put in my body."

Without looking at him, she grabbed the bottle again and poured her drink, bringing the glass to her lips and taking a sip. He looked away from her, unable to watch her do this to herself. Or rather what he did to her.

As she drank the liquid, it burned down her throat. She expected it to calm her nerves as it always had, but she only grew self-conscious. Having him see her like this, down at her lowest low as she downed a glass of alcohol, she felt unclean and poisoned. She felt invaluable and dirty. She felt like she had lost all of her importance sitting next to him so hopelessly.

She set her glass down soundlessly, standing up from her spot on the couch to get to the fridge. She opened it and grabbed a bottle of water, hoping it would help to cleanse some of that feeling out of her.

But it didn't. Sure, the water was refreshing, but it didn't help.

Carlisle spoke into the silence, eyes glued to a picture hanging on the wall where she was smiling brightly with her late grandfather. She looked so happy in that picture, a vast contrast to how she looked now.

"I spent every day wishing I was with you. I wanted to come home but I didn't think it was safe. I thought I was putting you in danger simply by being here," Carlisle admitted sadly. His honey smooth voice was clear but anything was calm. It was sad. If he was capable of it, it would have broken multiple times throughout his words.

She sunk down to her knees as he spoke, she didn't want to look back up at him as he spoke, her head against the wall. She didn't look over. "You put me in danger by not being here…" she said softly, "I thought I lost the one I loved the most. It hurt. It especially hurt thinking that the one I loved the most didn't love me." Her voice cracked at the end.

He turned to her, but she did not turn to meet his gaze. It hurt too much to look at him. "I do love you. In all my years, I've never loved like I do with you. You're my everything. I never meant to hurt you."

"All you had to do was stay," she shook her head as she spoke, still refusing to look up at him. She brought her legs in front of her and tucked them to her chest, setting her chin on her arms.

The room fell back into uncomfortable silence. She stared at the cabinet filled with liquor in disgust, thinking back to the pill she took earlier that night. How could she be so stupid?

She swallowed hard as she felt another lump in her throat, more tears threatening to spill. Carlisle licked his lips and closed his eyes, "All I wanted to do was help people. I dedicated my whole existence to doing just that. Then I find someone as special as you and hurt the person I wanted to protect the most."

Carlisle was gone in the next second. He'd left so quickly, there was no sound from the door opening or closing behind him. She saw lights flash outside her window as he started his car, pulling out of the driveway and leaving her alone in her house.

Y/N's face scrunched as tears left her. They streamed down her face, her eyes puffing once again and her body shook. She thought over their conversation in her head. She was too hard on him, she knew that. She should have accepted him and let him make everything okay.

But she didn't, she pushed him away. Even after he just saved her life…again.

"Carlisle," she said. She hadn't spoken his name in months, it hurt too much to say. But after seeing him again, knowing he was real, after all. It was so good to say his name again, it was a release she didn't know she needed. She repeated his name through her sobs, like playing a broken record. It felt so good.

She didn't know how long she was crying. She grabbed the scotch bottle off the table and began to bring it to her lips before stopping. She sighed and looked at the bottle. She shook her head, turning to the sink and pouring it down the drain.

There was a small part of her that was screaming at her to stop, to think about what she was doing, but that part was too small against this new need, this old and new desire in her body.

This desire to make it up to Carlisle.

She couldn't go on the way she was, she knew it wasn't healthy from the start, but she didn't care because it was a distraction, it made her feel somewhat good.

But she was going to do her best to be worthy of his love again. Hopefully, getting rid of the pollutant, the poison she'd been giving herself would make up for an inkling of the harm she inflicted upon him.

She didn't care that he hurt her now that she had hurt him. She just needed to make it up, and she would spend the rest of her life doing that.

She grabbed every bottle she had, pouring it down the sink. With each drop down, she felt unsure of herself. Would she be able to stick it out? This was what she used to cope, this was what she had been using for strength these several months.

Her instincts tried to make her stop what she was doing, but she needed to change her instincts. She needed to get them back to how they were. She needed to be strong for Carlisle.

When the liquor was gone, she closed her eyes and sighed. She felt this strange freedom, this strange pride in her being. She was proud of herself, but only a little bit. It wasn't enough to make her crack any type of smile.

She threw all the liquor bottles in the trash, getting rid of her demon. When she was finished, it was roughly five in the morning. She was practically dead on her feet.

She had terrible sleep over the past couple of weeks, it was so bad that she resulted in not sleeping at all in the past few days.

She was really dizzy and she felt herself swaying, struggling to keep her on her feet. Normally, she would just down a glass of liquor and keep running on that. But seeing as she had just disposed of every single drop she had, that wasn't an option.

Another reason for being so tired? She neglected her body of the water she needed to survive. She was extremely dehydrated.

In short, her body was barely holding on to what little life it held.

She shook her head and declared herself awake, headed to the door to go to Carlisle. She needed to see him. She needed to be with him and reassure him that they would be okay. They had to be okay. She couldn't lose him twice.

However, she didn't make it past the couch before she collapsed, falling to the floor as she passed out instantly.

~

She might as well start getting used to being woken by people because she collapsed on the floor. Bella was waking her up anxiously, Charlie by her side-- he was probably the one who got the locked door open. Both Charlie and Carlisle had a key.

"Y/N, wake up!" She exclaimed. Y/N's eyes opened slowly and she saw the two hovering over her, fear written across their faces. They relaxed a little when she opened her eyes fully and slowly sat up. She had a pounding headache, though.

"What happened, kid?" Charlie asked, helping her sit up.

Y/N laughed humorlessly, "I guess I was so tired I passed out." She was dizzy as she looked around the room. She struggled to her feet, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge to try and soothe herself.

When her vision settled and she wasn't seeing four Swans in her house, she sighed. Charlie looked over at the trash can filled with liquor bottles.

"What is this?" He asked, eyeing her with a hint of disappointment.

She spoke quickly, "I wasn't drinking any." She thought with the speed of a vampire. She'd spent so much time with the Cullens, she'd picked up on their ability to lie so quickly, "I saw them near the house just laying there, I think someone dumped them, so I threw them away. I passed out because I got tired and dehydrated from so much work at the diner."

He nodded and thought about her answer. It was a legitimate answer to him. He's known this girl her whole life, she wouldn't drink that much, especially at 19. But, in her defense, she would be twenty soon.

He nodded and told her, "Just…be careful, you scared me, kid."

She gave him a reassuring look, forcing a smile, "I will, Chief."

He nodded to her again and looked between her and his daughter before turning to leave them alone, it looked like they had something to talk about.

When he was gone and well out of earshot, Bella rushed to her quickly, "Are you insane? Edward told me what you did. Overdose, really?!"

Y/N sighed, "It was an accident. I was getting… really bad… and someone offered and I was too far gone. It was one pill but I was drunk and it didn't go well… He found me and helped me. We argued and I'm just… I'm trying to fix it."

She watched her as she spoke, she believed every word she said. Y/N was in no position to lie to her at the moment. Bella sighed, "Get some sleep first, at least. I know I can't tell you what to do but you fainted, so I think we can both agree that you need to sleep before you turn into ash or something."

Y/N sighed and agreed to at least that. She knew she needed sleep before she passed out while driving to the Cullen's and really died.

She got in the shower to soothe her body and release some of the tension in her muscles. She'd been so stressed lately and last night with seeing Carlisle for the first time in over six months, arguing with him, and almost dying (technically almost dying twice), she needed a healthy outlet.

After the long shower, she was able to get herself to drift into sleep. After seeing Carlisle again, her nightmares calmed down and allowed her a dreamless sleep. It was nice to have sleep, she hadn't gotten much of it in a long time.

~

After getting healthy sleep, even if it was only three hours, sleep was sleep, she quickly ate to calm her growling stomach.

She was grabbing her keys when her phone rang. She sighed and turned to pick it up, "Hello?"

"Y/N, I'm glad you're okay. Charlie told me what happened," Billy’s voice said on the other end.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Didn't mean to worry anybody," she told him. She internally sighed. Word spread quick around Forks, she would be surprised if the whole town called to ask if she was okay. But she would rather answer that many phone calls in one day.

Billy wasn't the last to call either. As soon as the call ended, the phone rang again as another person contacted Y/N to make sure she was alright.

What a great town this was to show their concern for her.

At the wrong times.

By the fifth call, she decided to just email all of the people she knew would be calling who hadn't called yet. She wrote the email, reassuring everyone that she was A-OK and didn't need any help. That seemed to shut up the phone and she was able to leave.

She groaned loudly when she looked at the time again. It was already late as it struck five in the evening.

She waited a few more minutes to make sure the phone didn't ring again before getting in her car. During the car ride, she kept herself hydrated, learning from her mistake. She wasn't too keen on fainting from lack of hydration or sleep.

She sped down the familiar path to the Cullen House. She wanted to get there quickly, she had wasted enough time with her mundane activities. She needed to see him.

When she came through the trees and pulled into the Cullen's driveway, she got out before the keys were even out of the ignition. Y/N walked up to the house, seeing Carlisle standing in a window. He saw her and, even from where she was standing, she could see something in eyes when he met hers.

She swallowed hard and held her arms out in front of her, a proposal. He zoomed out of the window and out of the house. He wasted no time in wrapping his arms around her and pulling her into his chest.

She instantly broke down again, she was getting tired of crying. Her arms held him to her, never letting go. She was so afraid that if she left go of him, she'd lose him all over again. She couldn't go through that twice.

Even if it wasn't the same as before, it was still her scent Carlisle breathed in as he hugged her tight, careful not to crush her. Everyone else must have been out hunting if they hadn't shown up by now.

Y/N let out a sharp breath before sucking another back in, sobbing into Carlisle's chest. He felt good. He felt like home. She was home.

She let out a breathy laugh and sniffled, letting him hold her to him. It was as if all of their troubles had washed away so that this moment was the most special of all.

Y/N pulled her head out of the crook of his neck just so she could kiss him. She missed him more than anything, she missed his hugs, his kisses, his words of love. This was perfect.

They were wrapped up in their moment, wrapped up in each other. It felt so amazing to have their lives back. They were home again.

She breathed deeply, holding the breath in as her lips moved in sync with her mate's. She then let the breath out in a moan, but she was too focused on the moment to let the sound embarrass her. She wrapped her arms tighter around him.

He pulled away enough to speak, still so close that he spoke against her lips, "I'm so sorry for what I've done to you."

She shook her head, "Stay." She didn't care about what happened, she cared about what can happen.

He smiled, "I will." It was her turn to bring him back into the kiss, kissing him deeply and passionately. It had been too long since she felt his touch.

When her mind came back to her drinking briefly as she spoke into his lip, "I'm quitting."

"Good," he smiled, once again kissing her. They weren't going to waste any time to be near each other, touch each other, love each other.

When the kiss slowed, she took a deep breath in, his scent filling her senses. She missed his scent. She opened her eyes to stare in his, they were beautiful, honey gold, sparkling as he gazed at her. She missed those eyes. She expected them to be darker like they were last night, but they were just as golden as the sun.

She smiled, her first genuine smile in months. He smiled back at her, captivated by her. Their foreheads were still pressed together and they swayed slightly, reveling in each other.

Y/N spoke, intoxicated by him, "I love you." Her words were a whisper, a breath that delivered the sweetest of air.

Carlisle beamed down at her, a light laugh escaping his throat as he gazed at her, his face looking like he was going to cry while his eyes stayed clear of any tears. "I love you," he told her sincerely. The only thing they could think of doing after the heartwarming confession was to kiss each other again.

He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, moaning again at the feel of his body against hers. She felt amazing with him.

He set her on the hood of her car and continued to kiss her, mumbling against her lips, "I'm going to marry you one day."

She smiled, "What's keeping you back?"

"Absolutely nothing," he told her genuinely.

They stayed like that, just kissing each other's pain away the best they could. There was no way they could ever leave each other's sides. After the ordeal they just went through, they could never.

He told her in that soft, smooth voice she missed with all her being, "I will never leave you again. No matter what, I will always be right here with you. I love you."

"I know," she replied just as gently, "I love you. You're the best thing that will ever happen to me. I love you so much."

The confessions were falling freely, leaving their lips faster than they could think. "After all this time, I still can't believe I'm yours. I can't imagine my life without you now, Carlisle. I obviously wouldn't last. If you hadn't stepped in, I'd be dead. Here I am, only living and breathing because you were here to care for me."

"I don't want to lose you, Y/N," he told her that same thing the first time they kissed. They held so much gravity then and they only seem to hold more now, "I don't know how I'd survive without you now. You're my life now and I will never let you go ever again. I promise you."

They thought they were going to be there forever confessing their feelings over and over again, drinking each other in with each kiss. They knew that they would eventually have to go inside and spare the others.

They went inside and eventually everyone came back from their hunting trip. They expressed how good it was to have her around again and how much they missed her. After a talk with Alice about how Carlisle knew she was in trouble, she went up to Carlisle's room with her hand grasped tightly in his.

There was a bed in his room that he had bought specifically for her so she could fall asleep in his arms. They were talking quietly with each other for a while before she finally fell asleep in his embrace.

He promised her that he would never ways protect her and that he would never leave her again, he promised that he loved her deeply, that he would always love her and he would always be here. He kissed her forehead, "Goodnight, my darling. I love you."

She smiled in her sleep, holding him tighter as she allowed her dreams to run wild. It was the best sleep she'd had in what felt like forever as she held tightly to him, never once letting him go as she slept.

Carlisle could have sworn she heard her mumble his name in her sleep and he smiled, breathing in deeply to enjoy her presence.

She muttered to herself, lost in her dreams of him, "I love you, Carlisle…"

[nobodyfamousposts]

Missing - Part 4.1

Remember the something bad coming I mentioned before?

This is that.

Fencing practice the next day had been a bit more intense. Fortunately, Kagami had been a perfect opponent to go all out with. She seemed to notice his emotional state and reacted in kind. Which he appreciated, certainly. Adrien had needed to work off the stress and anxiety from the previous incident with Lila.

It hadn’t helped that Plagg had also been unusually agitated that morning. He wouldn’t say what was going on, but he had told Adrien that they needed to see Master Fu immediately.

Plagg...had never gotten like that. Adrien didn’t understand what was going on, but whatever it was, it seemed quite serious. So he had bit back any complaint about the early morning or his schedule and attempted to reach Master Fu by phone. Unfortunately, it had gone to voicemail after several rings, and they couldn’t be sure if it was that Fu had been asleep or otherwise occupied. While Adrien had offered to find time to go to Fu’s place that day once there was a break in his schedule, Plagg insisted that whatever was going on couldn’t wait, and had decided to go to the man’s home himself.

Adrien wasn’t about to refuse Plagg if he felt it was truly necessary to go, but he felt anxious without his kwami and he still wasn’t back yet. He only hoped that there wouldn’t be another akuma attack before he returned.

He hoped everything was okay…

But at least Kagami was there. Both to challenge him physically and to support him when he explained what happened afterwards.

“So you came clean to them?“ Kagami asked, seated on a bench in the locker room as she listened to Adrien talk about what had happened.

He nodded, coming back to the present and admittedly still somewhat shaken from the entire ordeal the day before. “They deserved to know.“

“And how did they take it?“ While he certainly warranted some reprimand for the poor decision he had made on the matter, he did not deserve to be ostracized or blamed for the mess. Lila’s actions were her own, and while each of them held responsibility for their part in falling for her manipulations and the weakness that allowed her to get as far as she did, ultimately Lila was the only one to blame for her actions. With everything so recent and still so raw, the last thing they needed to have happen was for someone else to be made a scapegoat, which was still a possibility now that Lila was no longer present to take the brunt of their anger. Kagami knew the class was made of generally kind souls, but people could do regretful things in anger.

She for one was not inclined to sit by and allow him to be made into the villain for a situation he was not fully responsible for, and her tightening grip on her foil was indicative of that.

“They weren’t happy with me. They still aren’t. And I don’t blame them, really.“ He admitted. He had been kicking himself ever since his initial talk with Nino for...a lot of reasons, really. Having friends really helped with getting insight and other perspectives. And helped him notice things he hadn’t before.

“But what it comes down to is that even if we knew or suspected that Lila wasn’t being honest, none of us truly realized the depths of just how manipulative she could be.” Not until it was all laid out for them at any rate.

“Even when she snuck into your house and sent out that picture?“ Kagami asked, keeping her voice level.

He winced at the memory of the cause of her akumatization. But still...

“That was rotten of her, and I warned her afterwards.” He took a breath, realizing that his school friends hadn’t been the only ones hurt because of this. This just served as another reminder of his failure to act. “I should have done more then. I’m sorry, Kagami.”

She frowned, not necessarily pleased, but not angry either. “What was the reasoning then?” She asked. Because even if she didn’t agree with it, she knew he at least had some view that led to the choice he made.

He winced. “Honestly, that was the sort of thing I would see of a more extreme fangirl. But lying to police to try and keep someone from getting help is a whole new level of low. And one I thought she actually would not stoop to.” He frowned, looking up at Kagami. “Does that make me foolish?”

“Yes.” She replied bluntly. “You at least knew that she was capable of underhanded things. And when you know a tiger’s stripes, you should know what to expect.”

He winced and looked away, guiltily. “I know. Or—I didn’t? I just...”

She decided to take pity on him.

“That said,” She added, drawing his attention back to her. “While you may know a tiger’s stripes, that does not necessarily mean you would be able to see them in the wild.”

He smiled bitterly. “Are you trying to make me feel better?”

“Yes.” She admitted bluntly. “But that doesn’t make me wrong.”

He sighed. “I still should have done something then. I knew she was capable of bad things. There was no excuse for not warning anyone at least.” He gave a sad laugh. “I can’t even imagine how Marinette must have felt when I told her to leave things alone.”

Adrien hesitated, coming to a realization.

“I think I’ve been doing that a lot...” He admitted. “I did the same thing to her when it came to Chloe when she was being her worst.”

“I cannot speak regarding Chloe.” Kagami stated, and she couldn’t given her limited interaction with the bratty daughter of the mayor. Anything she had to say about the girl would likely be far from helpful and only get them off track. “But if I may ask...why keep putting it on Marinette then when you knew she wasn’t in the wrong?“

He shrugged, despondent and uncertain.

“I just felt safer with her.” He answered.

He was used to being friends with Chloe. Where he had been expected to give her what she wants. Whether it was completing whatever task she demanded of him or tell her what she wanted to hear.

Telling her what she wanted to hear...even if it wasn’t true.

But Marinette...

“I knew Marinette would listen to me. And she’s been good with reaching out and giving chances.”

When two parties were arguing, one of them needed to be willing to offer an olive branch if they were to reconcile and make things better. But so far, Marinette was the only one he could see in that role. The only one capable of it, to be honest.

Heaven knew how often she intervened for their classmates. She’d stood up for them, but she had also been willing to put her own feelings aside to come to a compromise. After all, she had helped Chloe more than once. Even in spite of everything Chloe had done.

“My thoughts were that if I could get Marinette to listen and agree, others would follow suit. And there could be compromise. But that was an unfair burden to keep putting on her and I ignored that there were times she shouldn’t have had to be the one to reach out first. And when Lila came along…”

He shrugged, helplessly.

“In a weird way, I thought I was supporting her by encouraging her to not fight back.”

That turned out to be a mistake. One that had hurt everyone.

It was never that she didn’t matter as much as anyone else, or that she was less important than keeping the peace. It was just that out of everyone, she was the only one who would take that first step and he knew that. He knew it wasn’t fair to keep putting such responsibility on her. But there was no one else he could count on to help or mediate things. And he just didn’t want the class to fall apart.

He kept telling himself he would make it up to her and that he would support her when she needed it, but he wasn’t the most observant of people and Marinette always seemed so strong, like she’d never needed his help.

“I wasn’t being fair to her.“

The fact that he knew Marinette could handle things did not necessarily mean that she should be expected to be the one to have to, or that he should expect her to.

Kagami hummed to her self, thinking for a moment.

“Did you consider that the longer Lila Rossi was allowed to continue on, the more hurt other people would be once her lies were revealed?“

He winced.

“Or did you think they would be revealed at all?“

He sighed and slowly nodded. “At the start, her lies seemed frivolous and only meant to make herself look better. I had figured that either she would get comfortable and stop, or that people would lose interest in listening to her.”

She nodded, considering. “It was a reasonable assumption, albeit an erroneous one.“

He looked away and nodded. “It was a mistake on my part for assuming that much. I wanted to believe that people can get better and learn from their mistakes. And I keep wanting to give second chances, even in situations where I really shouldn’t.”

He knew now that Lila went beyond that.

“Why I let it happen was a combination of a lot of reasons really. I thought she would quit on her own. I thought people would get tired of listening to her. I thought that she would come clean herself. I thought, if nothing else, people would catch on to her lies. I had so many reasons behind my decision, but at the end of the day, it was the choice I made and I will never know what would’ve happened if I had simply told someone sooner. Maybe this could’ve been avoided.”

“But there’s no point lingering on the possibilities of different decisions now that the moment for them has passed.“ She pointed out.

He gave her a slight smile at that. “Yeah. While we all feel bad about it, wallowing in that isn’t going to change anything at this point. We’ve decided to keep our focus on trying to find Marinette. And if nothing else, the reveal of Lila will ensure she can’t sabotage our efforts anymore.”

“Has there been any luck?“

“Alya said she found something. Nino and I are going to talk to her tonight to go over what she’s learned. Maybe she found something that could help?“

“How are things with them?” She asked.

“They’re doing all right. Better than they were with Lila around. The others were really forgiving.” More than he honestly felt he deserved.

Kagami seemed satisfied with that. “They are good friends. If you try to talk to them, they will listen.”

He frowned, a bit frustrated but it seemed to be mostly with himself. “I know.”

She rested a hand on his shoulder. “If there’s something wrong, or if something is troubling you, then you should be free tocommunicate it. If nothing else, it can allow you to get a second opinion on a Point of concern. And in many cases you can share information that other people may not know.“

He smiled at her gratefully.

She smiled back.

“One of the common mistakes in fencing is to hesitate and miss an opportunity to act. Once the moment is over, it’s too late. But if nothing else, you at least have the knowledge for next time.”

“I know.” He agreed. “It’s why I want to help find Marinette. I want to be able to apologize to her in person…and reassure her that things will be better now.”

He clenched his fists.

“She deserves that much, at least.”

Because she was…

To him she was…

Kagami nodded in understanding.

“Marinette is a good friend.” She stated. “If there is any way I could help, I would like to try.”

He smiled.

“Thank you, Kagami.”

______________________

Another day came with another search party. The available classmates gathered in another attempt to try to locate their missing friend. Unfortunately, life goes on even when it feels like the world should stop turning. As such, not all of them were able to make it this day.

Adrien had fencing, and with his hectic schedule and strict expectations, he couldn’t afford to keep missing appointments or he’d lose any freedom to help in the search. Max was busy with a project and was thus unable to join the group on what was steadily becoming a new after school activity of searching the city for any clues. Nathaniel needed to do chores and help his dad at home. Mylene wasn’t feeling well and nobody wanted to risk her coming down with a cold or other illness. Kim had swim practice followed by a date, and it didn’t feel fair to make him give up something positive that made him happy on a search that would likely leave them all feeling drained and depressed.

Chloe was...well, Chloe. And while she had been surprisingly willing to step up and pull a major victory against Lila when it mattered, that one good deed didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t still her usual self absorbed self. And it certainly didn’t mean that she was willing to traverse around Paris in the cold for who knows how long on behalf of someone she has expressed nothing but dislike for. She made it clear she would be spending her afternoon in warmth and comfort.

Sabrina, naturally, went with her. Though she had wished the group luck with their search.

This left Alya and Nino, along with the members of Kitty Section for the search. To Alya’s surprise, this meant they were joined by Luka as well.

“Luka? You helping out as well?” Nino greeted.

Luka hefted his guitar on his back and nodded. “ I heard you were looking and I wanted to help out anyway I could.”

In normal circumstances, Alya would be gleeful at the show of concern by a cute guy for her friend and the sign of at least one of her ships moving forward. But as sweet as the gesture was, it was really just a reminder of the fact that her friend was still missing, so whatever joy she felt was short-lived.

She shivered.

Chloe did have a point though. As it was getting later into the year, the days were getting colder. It only made her all the more concerned that her friend could be out on the streets in winter.

It was all the more reason to find her sooner. And she straightened, bringing out her phone and planning to do just that.

Alya had spent most of the night and well into the early hours of the morning going through the data Max gave her regarding Marinette’s phone.

What she found was....strange.

The phone itself was gone. Possibly turned off. However, the signal was still there. It was blurry. Seemingly fading in and out, inconsistent, and frequently moving. But it was there.

The data showed the status of Marinette’s phone and its location over the past weeks. Which was…weird, to say the least. The signal was abnormally weak. And didn’t seem to stick to one set location which she would have expected if the phone had been lost. No, if anything, it seemed to be...almost roaming?

Which didn’t make sense. If she was kidnapped, the kidnappers surely would have tossed the phone. And if it had just been left somewhere while being left on, it still should have run out of battery by now.

Instead, it just...sort of kept cutting in and out at random. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to it.

But what had caught Alya’s attention was just when and where this strange status first started, which she had decided would be the location of their search for the day.

The others followed her, letting her lead the way while they chatted amicably with one another. Alya only half paid attention to what they were saying, her focus primarily on her phone and the map it was showing.

“It’s getting colder out, huh?”

“Anyone want to grab a hot chocolate after this? Maybe just as a pick me up after the search?”

“That sounds nice! What do you think, Juleka?”

“I’m in.”

“Hey Luka, is it really a good idea to bring your guitar out here for this?“

“It helps me think. And besides, you never know when it might be needed.“

“I guess.”

Alya, for her part, only half minded the conversation behind her as she led the group to the last known location of Marinette’s phone before it started doing...this. This strange fuzzy image that didn’t seem to be all there.

Unfortunately, the map icon was only able to narrow down the location so much. She was able to find the general area Marinette had been in last, but the specific place...

She looked around.

Strangely, the map led her to a somewhat out of the way area. It was a normal street. Shops of various kinds were lined up along the sidewalk. There wasn’t much that stood out. This was a simple district with no real landmarks. There was no real draw. No tourist attractions. No fabric stores either to garner Marinette’s interest.

So why come here? What had she been doing? And where did she go?

“Does anything stick out to you guys?” Alya asked as she glanced around, trying to find anything that could indicate where Marinette had been.

The others started looking around as well, but for all intents and purposes, it was just a plain street. The split up amongst themselves to go into the shops and ask around for clues. But none of the stores seemed like places where Marinette would go. And none of the workers inside had seen her. Though if they had, there was no way for her to have stood out to them enough for them to recall her weeks later.

“Not with the akuma attack, anyway.” One clerk stated. “It was a distance away, sure, but still close enough that we all shut down and hid out in our stores.”

Alya had nodded in understanding. Because honestly, while Ladybug and Chat Noir did a great job stopping the akumas, the fights could take them all over Paris in the span of an hour. Even if a battle was on the other side of the city, there was no telling where they would end up by the end.

She thanked the man for his time and left the store. Nothing she didn’t already know, but still, any information was useful. Something about it had nagged at her, though, so she wrote it in her notes all the same.

“Any luck?” Ivan asked, causing her to look up at the assembled group. Nino had been chatting with Ivan while Luka had taken to strumming on his guitar while they waited. Rose and Juleka were talking to someone at a nearby kiosk, possibly to purchase one of the charms.

Alya shook her head, regretfully. “Nothing on my end. At least not anything new. How about you?”

The boys shook their heads sadly. Alya couldn’t help the disappointment at that.

“Do you think there’s something we missed?” Ivan asked, trying to be hopeful.

Luka frowned, playing a few notes on his guitar, a bit harshly in apparent agitation. It was probably his method of coping, Alya rationalized. A part of her wished she had some reassurance to give him, but she was feeling despondent herself. Whatever boost she had gotten from seeing justice served with Lila was starting to falter, and she didn’t know how much hope she’d be able to hold on to for her best friend.

“Hey guys!” Rose came running over, looking excited. Juleka followed along silently behind her at a somewhat slower but still faster than usual pace. “That guy selling charms said he saw Marinette that day!”

That got their attention as everyone perked up.

“Really?”

“Where?”

“It was right before the akuma attack.” Rose explained, practically bouncing as she told them. “She was looking at the charms at his kiosk and mumbling about different designs for them, so they had gotten to talking a bit.” She frowned, looking concerned. “But then they heard the akuma alert. The owner was shutting down his kiosk but pointed out the direction he saw Marinette run.”

Juleka reached out, pointing towards a gap between two particular stores. “In there.”

Alya turned to look. The stores in question were both the tallest buildings on the street, standing at four stories with a clear alleyway between them. They didn’t have much in the way of decorations, but with the awnings and balconies, did appear to provide cover. Maybe Marinette had hid in there during the fight?

The alleyway itself was empty. Other than a fire escape on one side, a dumpster, and a fence blocking the way through, there didn’t seem to be much else of notice. And the dumpster had to have been cleaned out in the weeks since Marinette’s disappearance.

Nino heaved a sigh of relief when Alya told him this before he could attempt to dumpster dive for clues. He wanted to find Marinette, sure. And he certainly would have been willing to loot a dumpster for her, but that didn’t mean he wanted to.

The group spread out along the alley, continuing to search for clues. While not searching within the dumpster itself, Nino and Ivan had gone so far as to lift the dumpster enough for Rose to do a quick search beneath for anything. Juleka checked the fence for any holes or ways through. Luka stood near the entrance to the alley as a lookout in case anyone noticed them, absently picking at notes on his guitar.

Alya, for her part, tried to check the fire escape. Was it reachable from the ground? No, it was at least a story up and the ladder leading to it wasn’t lowered if it was even there at all. Maybe if Marinette had stood on the dumpster? Hmm...what if there was a way to check for height on her map?

She pulled out her phone

And immediately froze.

There, on her phone’s map, was a blinking, fuzzy icon. The one that had been indicating Marinette. At some point without realizing it, she had switched from the image of Marinette’s last placement to the current. She saw her own indicator with her picture, as well as those of her other friends with her.

But amidst her searching, the icon symbolizing Marinette’s current location on her map had been moving.

It was moving here.

And suddenly...

It had stopped.

It...was here.

Marinette...it said she was here.

Alya froze.

She couldn’t breathe.

She couldn’t even move her body from her spot. At most, she was able to move her eyes, searching wildly for any trace of her best friend.

But...nothing.

Why was it saying she was here?

“Marinette?!”

All other sound ceased. The others turned to her, but she didn’t even notice because it was here! The signal was right here! Marinette was here!

But…she wasn’t.

It was just herself. Just Alya. Just Nino. Just Luka and Rose and the rest of Kitty Section. Just them. Just random people passing by on the street.

No Marinette.

But…

A quick glance to the phone showed it was still there. So Marinette had to be here, right?

But why?

Alya looked around frantically, calling out in desperation.

“MARINETTE?!”

Silence.

A few strange looks from the people nearby.

Not even her friends dared to speak.

And on her phone, the icon symbolizing Marinette’s signal started to fade and drift away.

Alya stared at the icon. Wishing it back.

“Babe…” Nino tried, approaching her cautiously. “What was that?”

She bit her lip.

“I…don’t know?”

______________________

Oh.

The music stopped.

Whatever strands of melody and lingering echoes of the tune had since faded from the rooftop where she stood.

It had been a beautiful melody. Something gentle and kind in its own way. And while she knew better than to take a break, she had a strange inclination to listen to the sweet yet heartbreaking tune while it lasted.

…it just hadn’t lasted very long.

The loss felt…sad, in a way. She couldn’t help but feel that it had been cut off all too soon.

And the silence bothered her.

It seemed…stifling, almost.

She shook it off.

It was time to go anyway. She had spent too much time here as it was. And she still needed to…do whatever it was she was here to do. Continue searching the city. Keep an eye out for any akumas. Be useful. Stay busy.

Until she could go back to wherever she had been before, at least.

She sighed and threw her yo-yo. As she approached the edge of the building, she allowed the low murmur of background noise and city life to erase that gnawing emptiness. She swung off, leaving the sounds of shouting behind her. Whatever it was, it didn’t sound important.

Back to work.

______________________

Evening came all too slowly for Adrien. The rest of the day seemed to drag on and made him all that much more eager for the end of school. And wasn’t that an irony that he actually wanted to be out of school for once?

But the only thing he was more eager about than school was his friends. And Alya seemed to think she had a lead on Marinette. If she had anything, he wanted to know. If there was even a chance, he’d happily take it if it meant getting to see her again.

Unfortunately, their differing schedules made meeting difficult. Alya had wanted to share her info with Nino, and knowing how affected Adrien was by everything, Nino had insisted Adrien be there as well. But Adrien had practice and lessons after school. And Nino and Alya both had obligations at their respective homes.

It had been decided that they would do a phone chat later in the evening. After Nino and Alya’s younger siblings were put to bed and when Adrien’s schedule was clear.

He was practically vibrating out of his chair with nervousness the longer he waited for their video chat.

“Boo!”

So much so that he actually fell out of his chair when Plagg returned.

“Plagg! Where have you been?!” Adrien demanded as he pushed himself up. He was of course happy that he had returned, but really!

The kwami snickered at Adrien’s expression. Could anyone blame him? That was hilarious.

...but back on point, Plagg remembered his news and quickly got serious.

“I couldn’t find the Guardian.”

Adrien’s eyes widened. “Did something happen to him?”

Plagg shrugged. “I don’t know. He could just be out running errands or something. We’ll need to try again.”

“I could try calling him now.” Adrien suggested. If he had just been busy when he tried before, then surely it would be all right to try again to reach him now? And as long as he had his phone, Fu should be able to get his call. Though in that case, Fu should already have known about his earlier call, right?

Adrien bit his lip in worry. So much had been happening lately. Marinette disappeared. The whole thing with Lila. Ladybug was...apparently in a bad mood for some reason. Now Plagg was agitated and they couldn’t reach Master Fu.

He took a breath to steady himself. They weren’t sure Fu was actually unreachable yet. He needed to call him first. And if that didn’t work, he could have Plagg lead him to the man’s place to check up on him.

Still...he couldn’t help the anxiety he was feeling, and it only seemed to be getting worse.

BRIIIIIING!

“AAH!”

As was evident when he panicked at the sudden alarm from his phone. So much so that it took him three tries to grab the phone as he kept dropping it due to his frantic fumbling. Ignoring Plagg’s commentary, he looked to the screen and saw it was a video call request from Alya.

Oh right. The video chat with Nino and Alya. It was supposed to start now. He had just gotten distracted.

He took a breath and answered the call.

“Hey! Hi! Hello! Glad you made it!”

Honestly, he could have smacked himself.

Somewhere off to the side, Plagg was snickering. On the video, both Alya and Nino seemed to be smiling at how frazzled he appeared. Adrien himself was much less amused.

“Did you find anything?” He asked, only partly to distract from himself.

Mostly because he was hoping for some news. That their excursion earlier had been successful. That they’d found something on their friend. Preferably the friend in question.

But their downhearted expressions told him the answer before they even had to say anything. The explanation that followed was short but detailed, and only seemed to further his confusion. Given their expressions, Adrien was sure that Alya and Nino were in the same boat.

“It was the weirdest thing...” Alya trailed off in a mutter.

“I’ll say.” Nino added with a laugh. “You were kind of freaking out. We all panicked when you started shouting.”

In any other instance, Alya might have been offended. As it was, though, she was quiet. Remaining deep in thought and seemingly oblivious to her boyfriend’s attempt to distract from her.

But Adrien noticed.

“Alya? What’s up?”

A moment of silence followed as she attempted to gather her thoughts.

Then...

“I have a theory.“ Alya started, looking apprehensive.

Adrien perked up. “A theory? What of?”

Nino, for his part, found in realization. “Does this have to do with what happened earlier?“

She nodded. “I’d been following her cell phone signal. After…” She hesitated for a second. “Well, when I was Lady Wifi, I managed to track Marinette’s phone signal and that same signal is on my phone now. But something isn’t right about it.”

She lifted her phone to the screen so Adrien could see what she meant. Sure enough, there was Marinette’s icon active on the map, but...it looked strange. Distorted. He struggled to tell that it was Marinette’s picture there at all.

“It’s been like this for a while. I’ve never seen any case like this, and there are no reports online of anything similar. Plus given how it’s been moving around…” She pulled her phone back and shrugged. “I think magic may be involved.”

Adrien straightened. “So you think she might have been akumatized?”

She shrugged. “Near as I can figure.“

Nino frowned. “But that doesn’t make sense. Hawk Moth can only akumatize one person at a time.“

Well, that wasn’t quite true, Adrien realized. There had been the Scarlet Moth incident when he had caused a mass akumatization with that illusion. Then it happened again that time Marinette had been expelled thanks to Lila’s schemes.

He bit back the rush of resentment and guilt at the memory to focus.

Could Hawk Moth akumatize more than one person at once? There had been the young twins who became Sapotis and when Alya and Nino became Oblivio, but those were cases where two people were essentially one akuma. And even in the case of multiple active akuma like the time Lady WiFi, Reflecta, and Princess Fragrance came after him thanks to his cousin, they all still only shared one akuma. Purifying that had been enough to restore all three, and in this case, he and Ladybug had already done that. So if that was the case, Marinette should have been restored as well, even if they hadn’t fought her.

“Could he have made Lady WiFi if Marinette was already an akuma?” Adrien asked.

“He’s akumatized more than one person at once though. There was the incident with the scarlet butterflies. And then there were also the time with my sisters.” Alya argued, remembering the same incidents Adrien had.

“And when Adrien’s jerk of a cousin caused you, Rose, and Juleka to be akumatized.” Nino added.

Alya groaned. “We just don’t know the extent of Hawk Moth’s power.”

Adrien nodded at that. Of course it was possible that Hawk Moth had discovered some new ability. But his power seemed to follow certain rules and have at least some limitations, so it didn’t make sense that he could suddenly do this.

Or why, for that matter? Hawk Moth did show some capability for planning—Scarlet Moth was proof of that. But what could he possibly gain from keeping Marinette as an akuma for this long?

But...hadn’t he targeted her before?

Adrien bit his lip.

There was too much uncertainty.

He sent a glance to Plagg, who saw his look and shook his head in response. The kwami looked particularly annoyed at the current train of the discussion. Clearly they were on the wrong track.

Adrien took a breath. “I don’t think that’s it. If it was Hawk Moth, what would be the purpose? We all know Marinette is gone now and would be looking for anything that could be behind it. If he had the ability to akumatize multiple people back to back, why use it like this? It doesn’t add up.”

“I don’t know if it is that Hawk Moth akumatized her.” Aly admitted. “It’s just that it has to be magic. There’s no other way to explain it. I mean, it’s not just Marinette that’s gone. Her cellphone…” She hesitated. “It isn’t stable. It’s there, but...not? And she was there today. I know she was.”

She had to give Max credit for his capabilities. The data was extensive and thorough despite the clear limits. And quite advanced. She hadn’t known it was possible to get as much data as he had, or even that it existed. But it was helpful to her search, and that was the important thing. With it, she was able to glean information. And slowly, a timeline started to form.

As did a theory.

“So her phone signal is still there, but she isn’t. And it’s been like this since...“

Since Marinette went missing.

The same day she disappeared, the biggest thing that happened that day was—

“The akuma.” Alya whispered. She frowned as she switched her browser on her computer to the Ladyblog and started looking through the archived footage and documentation of that attack.

There was an akuma attack that day. Someone feeling forgotten and overlooked was given the power to erase others.

She had watched a video of one such unfortunate victim. The poor guy didn’t even have a chance to wince at being hit. He just vanished the instant the attack made contact.

“But if Marinette was akumatized,” Nino continued, “why would Hawk Moth even make an akuma like that? If she’s not doing anything other than making herself disappear...that’s not useful for him, is it?”

Alya frowned, looking over the data again. “It’s not, no.”

Adrien also wasn’t convinced. From Plagg’s expression, it seemed he had some idea, though now wasn’t the time to press him. He’d have to wait until after the call was over. “It’s also much quieter, isn’t it? Every akuma up until now has been immediate and noticeable, otherwise Ladybug and Chat Noir wouldn’t know to come out and fight it, and Hawk Moth wouldn’t have a chance to target their Miraculous. The only exception was when Sabrina was akumatized the first time to be invisible, and even that was only for a couple of days.”

Nino shrugged but appeared to agree with him. “It’s been a couple of weeks since Marinette disappeared. If it was an akuma, wouldn’t we have noticed one by now? Akumas are generally fueled by emotions. They aren’t subtle.”

Alya looked back at her phone, reviewing the timeline. “But if she isn’t an akuma herself, then the only other option I can think of is that she was hit by that erasure akuma last month.” She shook her head, incredulous. “But that can’t be right. The Miraculous Cure would have brought her back, wouldn’t it?”

So caught in the discussion between his friends, Adrien didn’t see how Plagg looked stricken.

“It’s never failed before.” Nino stated.

“But what else could explain the state of her phone signal? It should either be there or not at all.

Adrien paused, tilting his head thoughtfully.  “That’s not normal.” He agreed.

“It does indicate that whatever happened to Marinette, it must be magical. And the only one with any sort of power along those lines would be Hawk Moth.”

“But why?”

She sighed.

“I guess that’s the question, isn’t it?”

None of them noticed Gabriel standing outside the door. Or the expression of dawning horror.

________________

Gabriel felt numb in a way he never thought he had been before.

The missing Dupain-Cheng girl? An akuma?

No. That was impossible.

Even if he was capable of akumatizing more than one person at a time outside of the Scarlet Moths, he would still have known. He would have made contact with her. And from his experience with his powers, he would have a link to the girl.

There was nothing.

But the only other explanation…

An official victim of an akuma attack. Someone that the Cure didn’t bring back.

How was it possible?

He entered the office in a daze. Nathalie followed him closely  in worry, but he barely took notice. He just shut the door quietly behind him once they had both entered, then leaned against it. He felt shaky. Off balance.

He had gone to his son’s room to see if he had access to any of the pictures or footage from the fashion show. Or if that journalist friend of his still had her video. Just...anything.

Audrey had called him in such a rage that day. Somehow, the shipments of her latest issue of Style Queen never made it out. Her attempt to recover the issue failed due to multiple holes and entire blank pages where pictures and articles should have been. So she had reached out to him through Nathalie, demanding his involvement and taking his attention away from his duties as Hawk Moth. At the time, he had begrudged her the missed opportunity at another akumatization.

But now…

“That can’t be right.” He murmured to himself. How could this be? How was this even possible?

“Sir?”

“The blank pages and missing pictures were those of myself and my son, as well as any of my son in that hat.”

“The one from the contest?” Nathalie asked, uncertainly.

“Made by a Marinette Dupain-Cheng. A girl who it seems is also missing. And has been for some time…”

He looked to his computer, wondering if he could pull up the information or if that would be gone as well. He had thought it a simple error at first, but the more he searched, the less he found. And now, after hearing his son’s conversation...what else could it be?

“But the Miraculous Cure restores everything.” He continued, almost monotone. “That’s what it does. That’s how it works.”

She hesitated.

“Maybe…not this time?”

He felt unsteady as he made his way to his desk. Perhaps he actually was, as Nathalie had quickly moved to his side to help him to his chair. Given how he felt, he could only assume he probably looked ready to fall over.

“Sir?”

It…it shouldn’t have happened. The Miraculous Cure always undid any damage of the akuma battles. It rebuilt any damaged or destroyed property. Healed injuries. Brought people back from any sort of unwelcome fate. It restored people from being half-melted ice cream sculptures, for crying out loud!

For anyone to have just…NOT been saved was unheard of.

Gabriel had thought he had been prepared for this. But now that he was actually experiencing it, he was…left shaken...

He had known going in that casualties would be a very real possibility, but had reassured himself. It was for the greater good. His family was worth it. Everything would work out in the end. He could just use the Wish to change the world and make it so that none of this had ever happened.

And then Ladybug had appeared with the power to restore things and he was only further convinced. There wouldn’t be any long term damage. No one would be really harmed. Whatever happened could be fixed.

No one would die.

It became almost like a game. He could go all out with little concern for the consequences. If he lost, Ladybug would just use her Cure to fix everything and he would get another chance to try again. And if he won, he could correct things himself.

As such, he ceased to worry about the “what if’s” and focused solely on his goal.

But now a child was gone. As good as dead. Possibly worse.

And this time, magic wouldn’t bring her back.

For not the first time since he had started on this path, Gabriel wondered if it was worth it.

Mademoiselle Dupain-Cheng was an aspiring designer who showed great promise. From his limited interactions with her, he could see she had passion—both for her art and in her life. He had been impressed with what he had seen of her capability, and her level of care for his son was secret only to Adrien himself.

And now she was gone.

And Adrien…his own son was suffering for it.

He had heard from Nathalie how Adrien had been worried for her. How he had gone so far as to go out and search for her in some futile hope of finding her. How he had held onto that hope, trying to reassure himself each day that she would return safely.

Adrien…truly cared about this girl.

He wondered if it was any different to how he felt about Emilie?

What would he think if he learned the truth? If he discovered who Hawk Moth really was? If he knew his father was the reason his friend had been erased.

It was…too much.

Was this a sign?

Was this an indicator that he was going too far?

He should stop. Before more people were hurt. Before his son discovered the truth. He should…

He should stop this.

…

And yet…

Gabriel clenched his eyes shut.

…he couldn’t.

Stopping meant letting go of Emilie. It meant giving up on ever getting her back. Of ever making their family whole.

If he gave up now, that would make all he had done for nothing—including the child’s loss as well.

He was not completely heartless. A missing child would no doubt cause quite a bit of turmoil. It was no wonder Lady WiFi hadn’t listened to him, being too intent on searching for her friend. The feelings that had drawn his akuma to her...similar to the growing feelings settling on a number of Paris’s citizens.

Worry, sadness, fear, anger…all were emotions that would make perfect targets for his akumas. In any other circumstances, he would see fit to use that. However…given his part in this matter, the very thought of using the loss of a child to his advantage—especially when it was his fault—made him feel ill.

He would avoid targeting her friends or family. He owed her that much.

But he…he had to continue.

He had to make it worth it.

Once he saved Emilie, perhaps he could even use the Wish to bring back Miss Dupain-Cheng as well?

Then maybe…

Maybe they would forgive him someday.

________________

Sure enough, a few days later it all came to a head.

When Adrien arrived in class that day after yet another failed attempt at contacting Master Fu, it was to a group of some of his classmates looking particularly concerned and surrounding an upset Juleka. The girl wasn't crying, but she looked to be close as Rose kept an arm around her shoulder and was trying to whisper words of comfort to her. The only ones not present were Max and Nathaniel.

"Don't worry.” Rose reassured her. “I’m sure they've just been misplaced somewhere."

Juleka shook her head firmly. "No. I keep them on my wall. I never move them, but they're just gone."

"Maybe your mom or Luka moved them?" Kim suggested.

"Not without telling me. And I asked them. Neither of them knew anything."

Adrien grew more concerned as he approached the group. "Guys, what's going on?"

Alix glanced over to him and answered. "Juleka's photos are missing."

That was a surprise. He knew how much actually appearing in a photograph meant to the girl. It would have to be upsetting to her to lose any of them.

"They were all the ones from the class photograph.” Mylene explained. "Remember? The ones we took in the park.”

Adrien winced internally before nodding. He had remembered full well that entire incident...and the akuma she turned into because of it...and the heels (god, the heels). They had taken quite a number that day and Juleka had seemed so happy when she went home with copies in hand. "Do you recall where you last left them?"

Juleka appeared more morose. "They're on my wall. They're always right there and I can't miss them. I put them up immediately after getting home and haven't moved them since. I know I saw them there yesterday, but when I got up this morning, the wall was completely blank."

"That's really weird.” Alya chimed in. "And you're saying no one moved them?"

Juleka shook her head.

The other classmates glanced to each other, appearing more uncertain. Adrien himself started to gain an unsettling feeling.

"I keep them all posted on a board in my room. They're right there and I can't miss them, but when I looked this morning…” She shook her head.

"I never move them."

"Maybe it's a prank?” Kim asked, but he sounded uncertain. If it was a prank, it was a cruel and rather pointless one.

Alix seemed to share that sentiment. "It's not a funny one. Who would even do that?"

The group looked around at each other. They were really the only ones who even knew Juleka's "curse” or about the pictures. But each of them simply looked confused over the matter.

"It couldn't have been a prank.” Ivan insisted. "Luka would never do that and their mother would punch out anyone who tried."

Mylene frowned, considering. "Juleka's house is a boat. One housing three people and isn't that big that someone could sneak on board without being seen."

“It’d be a pointless thing to do—sneak onto a boat just to mess with pictures and nothing else.” Kim noted. “Was anything else missing?”

Juleka shook her head. “Not that I know of. Just my pictures.”

"It's okay." Rose said, trying to be cheerful and calm her upset friend. "I have a couple extras of the photos we took in my notebook. We can copy them and replace the ones that went missing."

It wasn’t quite the same, but it was a suitable alternative for now. So with a solution to the more immediate problem at hand, Rose shared a bright smile that Juleka tried to return—albeit with a much more strained and shaky one. Rose didn't comment, instead going to her desk and pulling out her book bag.

“I keep them right in—”

The others looked over in confusion as Rose suddenly cut off, her expression turning confused.

"Rose? Everything okay?” Alix asked, growing worried at the prolonged silence.

Rose bit her lip and turned back to the group. "Did one of you maybe already take my notebook?"

Confusion seemed to be the theme of the day, as the classmates again glanced at one another before looking back to Rose.

"I'm not mad or anything!” Rose said, attempting to reassure them. "Since it's for Juleka, but if you already have it, I'd like to know where it is."

"Wait...are you saying your notebook is missing, too?" Nino asked.

Rose bit her lip, uncertain. "I don't—I mean, I guess so?"

"That's strange." Adrien said with a frown. He turned to the rest of the group in growing concern. "Look around. Is anyone else missing anything?"

The rest of the class searched through their bags, but fortunately, no one else seemed to be missing anything.

“That is odd. First Juleka’s pictures, then Rose’s diary? Why those things?” Alya wondered. She muttered to herself about an akuma and checked her blog to see if anyone had posted any similar cases on the matter.

The rest of the class took it upon themselves to try and offer some reassurance to the two girls that their items would be found.

“Maybe we can check the cameras?” Ivan suggested.

“That’s a lot of footage to go through though.” Nino pointed out.

“I bet Markov could go through it pretty quick.” Kim replied with a grin.

Adrien looked around at his classmates. It was good to see them mostly recovered from the ordeal with Lila and trying to help each other. But he couldn’t shake the feeling something was strange.

He could almost get a sense for it before he was interrupted by the timely yet untimely arrival of Max.

Kim smiled in relief at the sight of his friend. “Hey, Max! Buddy! Think you and Markov could give us a hand with a little investigation? Rose and Juleka seem to be missing some things and we figured maybe you could help!”

Max, for his part, looked concerned and a bit guilty. "I'm sorry, but Markov and I are already busy trying to assist Nathaniel and Marc. It seems that somehow, their collaborative comic has been erased."

Multiple gasp and moans of horror and disappointment filled the room at that. Everyone really enjoyed that comic and they had been really looking forward to the next installment.

"Do you know what caused it?" Mylene asked.

"We've been doing everything we could, but we haven't been able to find anything about the comic in the computer. I suspect it may be a virus of some kind, but there's no trace of anything of the sort. We're trying to help them work this out. They had gotten a lot of work done on this comic and I'd hate to see it lost."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. You're amazing when it comes to technology." Kim said with a grin, fully confident in his friend's capabilities.

But Max didn't look enthused. "I'm not so sure. Markov can't find any trace of an outside program or of the comic even being there.” He waved his hands. “It’s like it just…vanished!”

Adrien frowned. Three things in one day. It…couldn’t just be coincidence, could it?

“Can it do that?”

“Not like that. Not normally.”

"This is strange.” Mylene said anxiously, gripping Ivan’s hand. “A lot of things seem to be missing."

Alya frowned, looking at her phone. "Speaking of strange things, I just got a hit to the Ladyblog. It's Marinette's parents. They want to talk to Ladybug and Chat Noir as soon as possible."

Several of the classmates perked in surprise.

“Could it be an akuma?”

“Do you think they’re okay?”

“Did they find something about Marinette?”

“But why call for Ladybug and Chat Noir then?”

“Huh? Hey, Adrien, where are you going? Class is about to start!”

Adrien barely took notice. He was already out the door.

______________________

If he hadn't already received the message, Chat would have known immediately that something was wrong. Rolland and Gina Dupain were present at the bakery. He knew little regarding the Dupain family, but he had been under the impression that the two were not on good terms. But they were actually working together without issue, with Gina working the counter and Rolland working the kitchen with nary a grumble regarding the bread.

When Chat arrived, Gina immediately called for Tom. And within seconds, he was quickly rushed in by the much taller man, who…did not look well.

The giant, kind bear of a man looked like he had aged since the last time he had seen him. Not to any great or unnatural extent, but it was clear that stress had impacted him.

Losing a child would do that to you, he realized. But whatever else was going on was certainly doing him no favors.

"Thank you for coming." Tom said with clear relief as he opened the door.

Chat nodded in return as he entered. "It's not a problem. But your message sounded urgent. Has there been any word on Marinette?" Like hopefully that she returned and the bakery was closed so the parents could smother her in affection?

He was hopeful. He was a hopeful guy.

Tom shook his head. "I don't know how to explain it. It's best if you see it for yourself." With that, he led the way through the back. Chat followed with some growing trepidation and jumped when he entered the living area.

Sabine was there. Her gaze practically snapped to him the instant he appeared, though she didn't otherwise move. The woman was sitting on the couch, clutching a box of what appeared to contain an assortment of clothes and dolls. Marinette's things, he realized. But why? Comfort, perhaps?

But Sabine didn't look sad or in need of comfort. If anything, her expression made him wary to approach her. She looked upset no—not just upset, but downright angry. She was on guard and watching him with a strange sort of hypervigilance. Like she'd literally bite his hand off if he got too close. He had no doubt that magical suit or not, the woman probably could.

Chat had thought the grandparents had looked particularly tired. Like perhaps they hadn’t slept in a while. But Tom and Sabine both looked like they had slept even less.

For her part, Sabine’s eyes narrowed at him and she pulled the box closer to her and as out of his sight as possible. It bothered him, because it was strange for someone to be clutching a box like that. She wasn't looking to the things inside for solace, she was warily watching everything else around her.

Something was wrong.

More wrong, he amended.

"We noticed it after a few days, but we didn't know what to think." Tom said, softly as he continued to lead the hero up the stairs and through the house. "It looked like some of her things had been moved around. At first we thought that maybe she'd found a way back home. Or that she was trying to communicate with us somehow. But... “He opened the door and allowed Chat into the room.

When Chat finally entered Marinette's room, he couldn't help feeling bewildered.

Was it always this empty, he wondered? He glanced around at the different areas of Marinette's room, noting the differences and the overall"¦lacking. The walls were missing pictures. There was nothing on the desk. The mannequin that was normally adorned with the beginnings of some sort of outfit or new piece wasn't even present, leaving a sadly empty space in the room. There weren't even the knick knacks or textiles or yarn or cloth pieces that he remembered seeing previously. It looked like a room. It even looked like someone lived in it. But it was bare of a lot of what made it Marinette's.

Tom looked around the room in growing dismay. "It's getting worse."

Chat blinked in confusion. "What?"

"The posters are gone now. So are the gloves she had been working on. Several of the pictures changed before they disappeared." Tom looked to Chat, eyes begging for an answer. "We checked frequently, but bit by bit, they were gone before we realized it. It's like they're just...”

"They're fading." Chat realized in growing horror. He'd started to suspect, given Juleka's pictures and Rose's diary, but this confirmed it.

This wasn't natural.

Marinette didn't run away. Nothing so simple could explain what he had been seeing so far. No human could pull this off, and he knew Marinette was far from the sort to even try, no matter the reason. This was magic, he was sure of it.

"Sabine and I have been taking shifts. Whenever we looked away, something else was gone. So we just...” He shrugged helplessly before gesturing down the ladder.

Downstairs. To where Sabine sat hoarding a box with all the ferocity of a dragon guarding its gold.

He understood now. Marinette's mother wasn't holding onto Marinette's belongings out of missing her child, she was literally trying to keep them from disappearing!

Her room. The pictures. The notebook. The comic. They were all connected by her influence. Everything Marinette owned or had a part in was starting to fade away. Her parents figured it out and they were trying to protect what was left of their daughter.

He clenched his fists.

He had to talk to Ladybug.

______________________

How frustrating.

It had been weeks, but Ladybug had made little progress in her self appointed mission to track down Hawk Moth. And it had been vexing, especially given his recent silence. Other than Lady Wifi, there hadn’t been any other akuma attacks. Even in spite of the more despondent atmosphere she had noticed around the Francois Dupont school as of late.

He must be planning something...

Surely there had to be some minor issue he would consider escalating to akuma-worthy. That incident in the park with that strange old man certainly stood out in her mind as one such missed opportunity for the supervillain.

...who even was that man? He acted like he knew her and was spouting...the strangest things.

Who she was before she became Ladybug? Someone beneath the mask? He ‘knew’ her?

Ridiculous.

Clearly he had been suffering some ailment when he happened upon her.

She sighed.

It was unfortunate really. For a brief moment there, she had almost thought the man had known something valuable. He had seemed so earnest. And she could almost swear he seemed...familiar? Like she had met him somewhere before.

She rubbed her head, trying to recall. It wasn’t just this time or the one incident before. Maybe she had rescued him once? Maybe he was one of the civilians she had chatted with on some previous occasion? And that could be how he thought he knew her?

Maybe...

“Ladybug! LADYBUG!”

At the sound of someone calling for her, she stopped and turned around to see Chat running towards her. She was glad to see him again, but from his expression and the way he was running, it looked like this wasn’t a social visit.

“Chat? Is everything all right?” She asked once he had finally reached her. “Is there an akuma?”

“No! I mean yes! I mean—not exactly!” He shook his head. “Sorry, just…”

She couldn’t understand him through his babbling. Ladybug frowned and held her hands out, gesturing for his silence to get his attention.

“Chat, calm down and breathe. Then tell me what is wrong.”

To her further annoyance, he took a deep—somewhat exaggerated breath. If nothing else, however, it did serve to get him to settle and be able to speak normally.

“Listen, I think something may have gone wrong in the last akuma battle. Well—not the last one, but the last last one.”

…semi-normally.

At least she could understand him, at any rate.

Still, that was concerning. “What do you mean?”

She had stopped that akuma, hadn’t she?

“A friend of mine disappeared after that battle and never reappeared. Now she’s missing.”

“You mean that Marinette girl? Chat, it’s likely she may have run away.”

“NO. She didn’t. I was worried about that at first, but she wouldn’t and I was right. Other things are disappearing now! Everything of hers or that she had a hand in is literally fading away! She had to have been hit by that erasing akuma.”

“That’s impossible. The Miraculous Cure fixes all the damage caused by an akuma fight.”

“But Marinette hasn’t returned!”

“Then maybe she wasn’t involved with the akuma fight at all.”

“Her things are disappearing! Anything that reminds people of her are suddenly vanishing if people aren’t constantly watching them! That’s not normal! That’s magic.”

“Did you actually see anything disappear?”

He paused.

“Well—not directly myself, no.” He admitted, rubbing his head. “But a lot of people have said things are disappearing. And they all seem to be things she had some involvement or influence in.”

Marinette had come up with the idea for Rose’s journal after Chloe had insulted it. She had helped Juleka break her curse and take all those fun photos to make up for the class picture. Marc and Nathaniel’s comic only got started because Marinette had introduced them. And from what he saw at the bakery, the effect was expanding.

He froze, a creeping realization sinking in.

If it was expanding, just how much would be gone?

“But if you haven’t seen it, then how do you know that it’s an akuma?”

“But they said—”

She shook her head. “Chat, it could just be coincidence. People misplace things. Lose things. Throw things away and forget about them. It happens. That doesn’t make it noteworthy and doesn’t mean it’s magic. Sometimes, those things are just gone.”

“But they—”

“You have to face facts, Chat Noir. If she’s gone, she may not return.”

He’d had enough.

“What is WRONG with you?”

He had plenty of times where he felt annoyed or angry with Ladybug. When she rejected him. When she kept secrets. When she didn’t seem to take him seriously. Looking back, those instances seemed so incredibly petty compared to how he felt in this moment.

Never had he ever wanted to shake her the way he did now.

“A girl is missing! She is literally fading from existence and you don’t care!”

“Chat, you don’t even know that’s actually the case! There are other things to worry about right now!”

“This is a person’s LIFE AT STAKE!”

Ladybug simply looked unimpressed. “Everyone’s life is at stake against Hawk Moth, Chat! And you would have me put him on hold just for one person?”

“She isn’t just one person!”

She was a person! She had a name! And a family! And friends! And a dream! She was an up and coming designer! Jagged Stone’s artist! Their class representative! His classmate!

She...

She was his...

Now Ladybug looked almost...sad? Disappointed?

“You’re too attached to this girl to think about this objectively, Chat. You are letting your emotions cloud your judgement. As a hero, you need to be impartial.”

He grit his teeth.

He wanted to say something.

He wanted to say so much.

But instead, he turned tail and stormed off.

It was Ladybug. His partner. The person he would follow in any crisis. He knew to an extent that she had a point, because yeah, he had a tendency to act on his emotions rather than think things through. But...she sounded like she didn’t care.

What else could he do?

So he ran away.

But Ladybug...

She simply stood there. Her head tilted in confusion as she watched him go. She watched for a minute before she shrugged it off and turned away. She didn't try to go after him. Not once did she call out to him.

Her partner was running away from her...

...and she just let him.

______________________

Tom knew something was wrong.

It had been a busy day in the bakery. Despite the circumstances in the current situation with her daughter being missing, they couldn't just keep the bakery closed. After all, Marinette had to have a place to come back to at some point. And they needed to keep living.

But that didn't mean it wasn't hard.

Tom and Sabine had been torn. In their current state, they were hard pressed to keep the bakery running and also focus on efforts to find their daughter. It was even worse now that they had distinct reason to believe magic was involved.

It had been fortunate that both Gina and Rolland had been willing to put their differences and issues aside to come help. They had been a substantial support during this time. When Tom had reached out to them, Gina had cut short her trip to Peru to fly back to Paris and assist, mentioning using her connections to deal with some of the cartels in the area known for human trafficking on the chance they happened to be involved. And Rolland had taken to the traditional methods of posting Marinette’s MISSING picture at various locations.

Seeing the current situation with the parents, both had gone so far as to agree to help in the bakery. Gina had agreed to manage the storefront while Rolland had taken to helping in the kitchen. Surprisingly with minimal complaint about the bread. And even willing to close his own bakery in the meantime.

He was still difficult, but it was clear the man was trying. And he was more help than not.

This allowed Tom and Sabine to be able to breathe. There were points where one or the other would have to go to the back when things got to be too much. From the normal stress of the job itself to the pitying looks and questions they would sometimes get. And now to try to keep count of what else of their daughter’s had disappeared when they weren’t looking. Which meant they had taken to shifts during the night as well in hopes that their presence would slow down the process.

Sabine had been quite focused on this for the past few days, willing to leave the majority of the bakery work to the other three. But one could only spend so long staring at a box and a slowly emptying room, and she had eventually agreed to Tom’s pleas to just try to return to a regular work day if only to restore a sense of normalcy.

...he should have realized something was up the instant she had agreed.

She had switched with Gina in working the front and dealing with the customers. Plastering a perfect smile and jovial tone, as if her world wasn’t crumbling. He was concerned with her state, but Tom had wondered if this wasn’t her way of trying to cope. Sabine had long had a way of being a pillar of calm in any storm, so he had decided to trust in her.

But then there were the more...delicate customers.

Enrique Arnette was never an easy man to deal with. Pretentious, high-handed, and with a need to be catered to in a way that rivaled with Audrey Bourgeois. He could be her brother, all things considered. They were both loud and full of themselves. Only she, at least, had the power and capability to back her.

Unlike Audrey, Enrique was just loud. Loud and entitled. He was well known for being picky and making specific demands that some questioned might be less about what he actually wanted and more about looking for a reason to get upset and cause a fuss. But Tom and Sabine's Bakery seemed to be one of the few places capable of meeting his picky and overly extravagant standards.

Usually, Sabine was more than capable of handling him or any other contrary customer.

But today...

"What is this? Are you supposed to be a bakery or a crematorium?"

It was like nothing she did was satisfactory.

It might have been the stress getting to her. Tom would have believed that.

Except that the smile on her face was like ice. And her eyes were like steel. When he tried to step in to take over handling the order, Sabine clutched the plate in an iron grip. And as she looked up at him, her gaze was downright unnerving.

"Let me handle this."

Tom didn't dare disagree. He just watched and waited anxiously to the side as Sabine continued to try and fail to fulfill his order.

It was too cooked.

There was too much syrup.

The fruit was mashed.

The design was poorly done.

As Enrique became more frustrated, Tom noticed how Sabine neither stood up to the verbal tirade, nor did she apologize.

And his wife's expression was a knowing one.

It was...unusual for her. If he didn't know better...or maybe because he did know better, he couldn't stop himself from wondering if it was intentional?

The way she was messing up the order so many times was not like her, to the point he could swear it was on purpose. And her attitude and responses, while not outright rude, were not customer-friendly and were certainly far from her norm.

Was she...trying to upset him?

"What kind of service is this?!" The man demanded.

Tom stepped forward. "Dear, why don't I handle this and you can take a break, okay?"

But Sabine didn't even look at Tom. Her gaze remained fully on Enrique.

"If it is so displeasing to you, perhaps you would find service more befitting of your station in a dumpster?"

Everyone froze.

Sabine was many things. Matronly. Firm at times when needed. Soft at other times when it isn't. Fully willing to stand up to people.

But she was never rude. And she would never insult anyone like this.

Enrique’s face turned red in growing rage.

"What did you say?"

“Are you deaf?” She asked him congenially in a tone and manner as if she was commenting on the weather instead of actively insulting the man. “Or is there as much trash filling your ears as there is your mouth?”

Tom gaped momentarily before moving forward to intervene. “Sabine, why don’t you just—”

“HOW DARE YOU?!” Enrique shouted, almost on the verge of a shriek. “I have NEVER been so insulted in my life!”

“Then clearly people weren’t trying hard enough.” Sabine shot back derisively. “If you aren’t going to take your needlessly complicated and pretentious order, then get out and let someone else.”

Gasps and murmurs resounded.

He turned up his nose. “I won’t pay a euro for that mess or your attitude! If anything, you should be paying ME at this point for the insult! And trust me, I WILL be making you pay!”

Shouts of alarm got Tom’s attention, along with the sound of wings.

“Oh no!”

And akuma had gotten into the store, no doubt attracted to Enrique’s indignation as it fluttered its way towards the irate man.

Except that in the second before the akuma could reach him and assimilate into his watch—

SLAM!

Sabine had caught the akuma in midair before it could reach Enrique, her hand covered in an old worn oven mitt.

Everyone jerked back in shock and growing horror.

But Tom just stared in sorrowful realization.

He recognized that mitt. It was one of the first things Marinette had made and gifted to her mother.

It was one of her few possessions that remained.

One that Sabine had refused to part with.

"No." He murmured. "Sabine. Honey, no.”

His wife couldn't hear him.

The glowing mask was indicative that it was already too late.

[plotbnuy]

KarpReviews - Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995) and End of Evangelion

It took me a good while to really get into anime. Well, maybe that’s technically not true, as I grew up with the Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh anime series. That’s really where my exposure to the medium stopped for a long time, though. There was scattered influence, such as an ephemeral viewing of Spirited Away on Cartoon Network, and access to one of the Naruto fighting games. Ultimately, though, I hardly knew what anime was until high school. It was around this time that I would occasionally stay up late to watch Toonami on Saturdays. Toonami provided me with several of my first and favorite anime series, including Cowboy Bebop, Deadman Wonderland, and Soul Eater. One night, however, I found myself treated to something completely bizarre. 

I can’t say for sure exactly what I had watched, though my current knowledge suggests it was one of the Evangelion recap movies. These are abridged versions of the series that tell the story in a more condensed format, though it’s possible I just caught a few episodes of the regular series. The show itself was overwhelmingly confusing and bizarre, with concepts my teenage mind struggled to grasp, and characters that seemed strange and depressing. It certainly didn’t help that I was watching this show in the dead of night while sleep repeatedly attempted to pull me down. I was mesmerized regardless, and the images I saw never left my mind. 

It wasn’t until now that I decided to finally watch the series in its entirety. I was excited to figure out exactly what I’d seen, why the robots in the show looked the way they did, why the “monsters” had such abstract and strange designs. Most importantly, I wanted to experience one of the major pieces of Japanese animation that had influenced so much of popular media. Thankfully, Neon Genesis Evangelion did not disappoint. 

To briefly summarize for those who still haven’t seen the show, the main premise is that, for one reason or another, Earth has become assaulted by powerful beings known as Angels - strange monsters that threaten humanity with their otherworldly power. An organization called NERV, led by Commander Gendo Ikari, plans to protect humanity and destroy the Angels with mysterious and strange humanoid mecha named “EVAs.” They can only be piloted by particular children, one of whom is the main character and Gendo’s son, Shinji. The Angels themselves, as well as their lore, hearken to Christianity, though in the same way that American media loosely uses Greek mythology. While the premise of the show seems to match that of other mecha, such as Gundam or Macross Saga, Evangelion is more about it’s heavy, layered theming as opposed to mecha and kaiju battles. Evangelion’s storytelling is rich and layered, yet I never found it to be overwhelming or poorly paced. Even though it’s dark tone is prevalent throughout, the battles between EVAs and Angels are still exciting and enjoyable on their own, each encounter building the stakes higher and higher, until it almost feels that everything will suddenly explode. Almost. 

Visually, I think Evangelion holds up phenomenally. The animation style is instantly recognizable while still carrying the same charm that many 90′s anime have. Characters are expressive and animated when they need to be, and backdrops are detailed and colorful. I was blown away especially during the show’s numerous fight scenes. Unlike the bulky mechs featured in most media at the time, the EVAs are nimble and powerful, often performing acrobatic feats or creating stunning displays of destruction. I was absolutely captivated by the designs of the EVA’s and Angels, just like I was in high school. The EVA’s are both incredible and sinister, immediately intriguing just from their design alone. Just looking at one makes you want to know more about them. The character designs are simple but still memorable, which matches their personalities well. What I love most about the visuals of this show, however, isn’t the fluid action or expressive characters, but the implementation of long shots and surreal visuals. Several times throughout the series, the show will linger on a single frame for an extended period of time. There’s no dialogue in these segments, just ambient noise or background music. These moments are some of the most engrossing, trapping the viewer in a single uncomfortable moment, such as the gruesome aftermath of an Angel attack, or a long elevator ride following an argument between Asuka and Rei.

Speaking of, the characters in this show are truly fascinating. Nearly every character is layered and interesting, and each one has their own ways in which they deal with the pressure and terrors of the world around them. I was surprised with how much I ended up liking Shinji (during the main series that is, but we’ll get to that) whose awkward and conflicted personality can be easily polarizing to viewers. I thought Asuka was a nice foil for Shinji, and an entertaining character on her own. She is a bit rough around the edges, and her loud and often self-centered personality can be grating at times, but ultimately her presence is a positive one, and I feel she inadvertently pulls other characters out of their shells. Rei, the third part of our pilot trio, is quiet and mysterious, and she adds to a lot of the show’s intrigue. My favorite character is easily Misato. On top of keeping the younger character’s intense personalities in check, her own story is one that the show graciously gives a lot of attention to. Watching her start to work through her demons was thoroughly compelling to me, and I felt that even through her faults she always tries to be mindful of the people around her. Ryoji was another character that I was a bit worried about after his introduction, but thankfully he had much more going for him than his flirty, aloof attitude. The one person that I never got totally sold on, though, is Gendo Ikari. While he’s certainly integral to the plot, his character was too nuanced for my liking, and it dampened his impact on the story. He’s also one of the characters who I can confidently say isn’t a good person, making his presence even more distasteful. Important for sure, but generally unpleasant. 

Perhaps the most memorable piece of this show is it’s music. Truly, every single track within this anime screams “iconic.” The catchy drumming of “Decisive Battle” constantly plays within my head, a track that helped every Angel encounter feel like an elaborate chess game. “Angel Attack” has a memorable, intense melody that felt appropriate for the show’s surreal and powerful monsters. Of course, nothing needs to be said about one of the most iconic anime openings ever, “Cruel Angel’s Thesis.” By far my favorite, though, has to go to “Komm, süsser Tod.” Playing during the finale of End of Evangelion, this hauntingly beautiful song fits the show perfectly, from it’s use of choir-like vocals to the chaotic mess of strings towards the end. Every song in the show’s OST is wonderful, and I often listen to various tracks while I’m working. Even if you don’t want to watch the show, I strongly urge you to check out the soundtrack anyway. 

Deep within these varied, elaborate pieces, behind the catchy music and incredible action set pieces, Neon Genesis Evangelion is a show about depression. Each character struggles with this in a different way: Shinji keeps his distance from those around him, despite needing more than anything to connect to another human being. Asuka searches for validation from the people around her, becoming angry when anyone takes attention away from her, afraid that she’ll be ignored or forgotten. Rei struggles in general to feel like a real person, to become more than her birthright and her purpose. Misato tries to drown herself in her work and in alcohol, keeping herself in denial while she tries to distance herself from her past. In some ways, the EVAs represent the responsibilities of everyday life, highlighted by Shinji’s struggle to fully commit to his obligation of protecting mankind. The characters in this show are broken, messy husks, and for almost the entire show these struggles seem impossible to overcome. These themes and motifs become especially true starting with episode 16, where the show begins to slow down and focus on its characters as the final Angel threat is thwarted. Ultimately, however, the message of the original series is a hopeful one, sending the viewer off with the message that only when you’re able to help yourself can you finally start to truly connect with and help others. It’s a poignant message and one that I think the show earns by weaving it’s theme of depression throughout the entire show, not just focusing on it near the end. 

The end, however, is where Evangelion becomes a truly fascinating piece of media. Part of what makes this true is that, actually, Neon Genesis Evangelion has two endings: the final two episodes of the show, and the movie appropriately titled End of Evangelion. The series has separate endings for a couple of reasons, actually. While I won’t explain it in depth here, the summarized version is that the latter episodes of Evangelion, starting with episode 16, are subjected to a bit of a paradigm shift following production issues and budget cuts. These later episodes are where the various characters’ faults take the forefront of the narrative, and the action scenes become scarce. The final two episodes take on an especially bizarre nature, analyzing the characters within the context of the show, using abstract visualization and disjointed dialogue to do so. Personally, I’ve grown to appreciate this ending. As I mentioned before, while the focus does change towards the end, I still believe the show was always more about the heavy themes than it was about the robot fights. Many, however, do not share my opinion. When the finale originally aired, many viewers were incredibly unhappy. Unreasonably so, as thousands sent angry letters and death threats to the studio, griefing the creator for his vision. They called for a different ending, one with a more satisfying conclusion, with more action and a clearer sendoff for Shinji and the other characters. 

Needless to say, creator Hideaki Anno obliged them. 

Releasing in 1997, End of Evangelion is perhaps the most spiteful piece of artistry ever conceived. While the original series ended with a message of hope, this film turns the series on its head and creates a narrative that simply reeks of despair. Junko Enoshima  could only dream of creating something so explicitly hopeless. While Shinji takes his first steps towards healing in the original ending, this film features a Shinji who has completely and utterly given up. He’s succumbed to his base desires, numb to the world around him in a way that’s turned him into a monster. His thoughts and actions are violent and abusive, he becomes completely deaf to the needs of those around him, and in a few short minutes of this film, he becomes almost completely irredeemable. He knows he’s become a despicable shell of a human being, but he almost seems to revel in that fact. This version of Shinji is utterly useless, and his actions - or rather inaction - causes the complete destruction of everyone he loves. This film is depressing, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s absolutely unconscionable...

And I loved it. 

In context, it’s hard not to imagine that End of Evangelion is a deliberate slap in the face to the fans who so ruthlessly tore apart the original ending of the show. It completely reverses the progress that was made in the original series, opting to create an ending that is more intense and action-packed, but at the price of turning Shinji, the audience surrogate, into a complete bastard. Watching the film for the first time is almost infuriating, especially as Shinji repeatedly destroys everything in his wake through his own self-loathing. Yet, after letting the film sit in my mind for a while, I found it to be a truly unique piece of art. It’s hard to stomach, and I don’t think I can recommend it, especially on its own, but End of Evangelion is a truly fascinating film. 

As a whole, I’m extremely happy I decided to go back in time to watch this old classic. I believe it holds up incredibly well overall, and it has so much to say in just 26 episodes. Watching it reminded me a lot of Samurai Jack and Cowboy Bebop, especially with its use of masterful long takes and thick atmosphere. If you haven’t given this anime a shot, I strongly recommend checking it out on Netflix or wherever you can get your hands on it. It may not be for everyone, but for this kaiju-loving gal, it exceeded every expectation. 

[arcticdementor]

Some rambling, poorly-organized thoughts on state structures

On the recent nationalism and nations discussion, I don't want to give the wrong impression of my views, lest I seem like some sort of dedicated supporter of homogenous ethnostates.

After all, I've repeatedly said that it seems like practically nobody actually believes in Westphalian sovereignty anymore.

I get that nationalism creates a lot of problems, particularly in the wake of the breakup — or especially, carving up by outsiders — of a multiethnic, multicultural empire. The nigh-impossibility of fitting political borders to the human geography (thus usually leading the human geography to be forcibly transformed to match the political borders instead).

I mean, just earlier this month, when reading about the "highest" High German dialects, I wiki-walked my way into reading about the mess that was post WWI South Tyrol — a mess created by Woodrow Wilson's hard-on for "national self-determination" (and ignorance of the actual demography) — how one guy (Ettore Tolomei) created Italian place names to replace all the Austrian ones, and how its (Austro-Bavarian) German-speaking majority eventually faced the choice of either forced Italianization under the Fascists or relocation to Nazi Germany.

Or this recent thread at the Motte about the history of the Balkans from a couple of natives thereof, with, again, plenty of blame for Woodrow Wilson's dismantlement of the Habsburg domains.

Plus, I've seen plenty of people, left and right, argue that much of the problems of the Middle East are due to how the Western powers, and particularly Britain, carved up the failing Ottoman Empire (and yes, for many of the left-leaning ones, the creation of the modern state of Israel is at or near the top of that list).

One can also see all the messes in the former Soviet Union — Moldova, Transnistria, Ossetia, Abkhazia, Crimea, the Donets Basin, Nagorno-Karabakh, et cetera — as a similar "breakup of an empire" mess.

On the other hand, though, I also recall people once arguing that one of the major harms European colonialism inflicted upon Africa in "the scramble" was carving out territories and drawing up borders willy-nilly, without concern for the existing ethnic, linguistic, and cultural groupings — causing some groups who identified as one people to be split apart in some cases, and in others causing differing groups with historical animosities to be forced together. And further, that "fixing" this would involve African nations reorganizing themselves along ethno-religio-cultural-linguistic lines. (I have a further aside on this I may write-up later.)

And multi-ethnic empires have their own issues. Sure, some have allowed the constituent ethnic groups a fair amount of autonomy, such as the Ottoman "millet" system. But others, not so much — look at what happened to Gaulish and the other continental Celtic languages under Roman rule; or "Hanification" in China.

In multi-ethnic empires, there's always one central, ruling ethicity — usually the one that founded it. And there's a general extractive flow of wealth from the periphery to the core, and from subject peoples to the ruling people (when this flow reverses, and the ostensible rulers are instead paying the other peoples, is often when the Empire begins failing — note that it was the Turkish national movement that ultimately overthrew the Sultan). Plus, said rulers often play the subject peoples against each other.

In short, nationalist states have some problems, empires have some different problems.

Someone in one of the reply chains also made reference to Medieval kingdoms; particularly, to the idea that a ruler was "King of France" — because that's where the bulk of the territory he held was located — rather than "King of the French" — ruler of a specific people. The kind of thing that led to situations like the Spanish Netherlands, Norman Sicily, the King of England also being the Elector of Hanover, the kings of Sweden and Poland each claiming to be the rightful monarch of both territories, and so on.

Despite that, there's much to favor in such a thing. But, as so many people keep reminding me when I bring up my monarchist views, this was the product of a number of specific preconditions. First, the utter disintegration of the western Roman Empire, leaving mostly just hyper-local identities — particularly once the Germanic migrations stopped, and the Franks and Goths assimilated to their local subjects.

Second, that the kings, particularly at the start of any given dynasty, and even sometimes well into the Early Modern period, were basically warlords — I recall reading one historian refer to Gustavus Adolphus as "the worst kind of sociopath," and another argue that the life story of Henry VII is, in its broad strokes, basically the same as any number of Latin American dictators. Look at Clovis I, Harald Hardrata, or William the Conqueror, or…

Third, this state of affairs was also a product of the comparative weakness of those kings. Because, for quite some time, pretty much any local baron who owned a castle was a power to be reckoned with, and kings were often more "first among equals" with these lords — see King John, the Magna Carta, the Barons' War, and so on. This was a product of the military technologies of the time; effective war-fighting was by highly-trained, heavily-equipped elite cavalry — knights — who were expensive… but not so expensive that local lords couldn't afford to maintain an effective retinue of them. Defensive fortifications like castles were highly effective, and slow and costly to besiege.

Then cannons and early firearms came along, which actually served to centralize power — kings were able to use them to take more power and authority from the aristocracy, leading to the replacement of decentralized feudal structures with royal absolutism (and a growing central bureaucracy to run and manage said centralized government). Then later firearms made the average commoner with little training into an effective war-fighter — thus "the Age of the Gun" and resulting democratization of the centralized state.

I'll admit, it's hard to see a pathway back to that sort of mid-level balance — where neither the numbers of the common masses nor the deep pockets of a centralized state provide much advantage in war over a localized petty elite. The "Age of the Gun" may have ended, but our current military modes (with multi-million-dollar equipment) again favor the centralized state — either a nation-state or an empire — over both local authority and the common citizen. Some argue that 4th-generation warfare might see a return of "people power" (though I have my doubts); and I've seen others debate how expensive effective autonomous weapons of a coming "Age of the Drone" might prove, and thus what scale of political organization it favors.

Then there's the city-state, which has even more local autonomy, and which seems to be in many ways a preferable manner of organization. But the problem there, is that they almost always run afoul of the economies of scale in war-fighting. There's a reason those feudal barons, for all their power, ended up pledging fealty to one king or another, and even in the modern era, unless you either have somehow obtained WMDs with an effective long-distance delivery system, or are under the protective aegis of a larger polity with such, a lone city-state is just too easy to push around militarily, if not de-facto conquer.

Sure, Nick Land argued that while nuclear-tipped ICBMs will remain out of reach for microstates, we can expect city-states to proliferate again once DNA technologies mean they can have a WMD deterrent in the form of "$1000 smallpox" or other bioweapons. I don't suppose I have to tell you, particularly now, why having hundreds of labs around the world manufacturing and storing virulent and deadly man-made plagues does not sound like a good idea to me.

Going all the way back to Westphalia, again, I'd like to note that the key principle there was not anything about nationalism directly, but about religion — ending the generations of bloody post-Reformation wars with the "truce" principle of cuius regio, eius religio. That the religion of each state was the business of its government and its government only, and that it's no longer a ruler's place to intervene in a neighboring ruler's territory to rescue the souls of his subjects from vile heresy with fire and sword.

There's a certain echo of this in the proposals of certain libertarian, ex-libertarian, and libertarian-adjacent left-wing people of a loose confederation of microstates wherein, in an example of exit-over-voice, people are free to relocate so as to sort themselves on ideological (compare to religious) lines. Friedman's seasteads, Yarvin's "patchwork," and Alexander's "archipelago" all come to mind as core examples. But these have a number of issues. First, the ways in which they presuppose a level of mobility, of ability and willingness to relocate, that I find unrealistic to expect from much of the population. I note here that it seems to be a very specific sort of person who recommends this sort of solution.

Second, it very much requires a Westphalian live-and-let-live, what happens in the patch next door is none of my business no matter how wrong I believe it to be, attitude. But replace "one true faith" with "universal human rights" and saving souls from heresy with "humanitarian intervention," and we see that, like I said before, such a spirit is quite dead — "all it takes for evil to triumph…", "an injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere", et cetera. Like we saw with Libya, unless you have the WMD-MAD means to prevent it, expect the superpower to enact "regime change" on you if your way of life somehow offends their particular "universal" orthodoxy.

TL;DR: nation-state, empire, feudal kingdom, city-states, patchwork — it's trade-offs all around.

[prettywordsyouleft]

I used to write on tumblr since 2012, I used to write for Big Time Rush, One Direction, The Wanted, 5SOS, Austin Mahone, Cameron Dallas .. I’m pretty much old lol, then this miserable little pill appeared and kept on messing with my self esteem and confidence as writer (if I may call myself that) idk if it was one person or more but they kept coming harshly at me and my happy safe place pretty much became just like my reality that I’ve been escaping by being here *im dramatic af* but I just kept on going on hiatuses just so they can forget about me and let me be but that just never happened and I decided to stop writing at all, no one knows how it feels to hold back your imagination and lose all self confidence that I you can’t even trust yourself anymore to write something as simple as college essay!! It’s really hard to find another hoppy and it’s really hard to stop yourself from doing what you love fearing your own mind will let you and other reader down cause I’ll never be good enough so PLEASE never listen to anyone saying dumb shit just to get to you for whatever lame reason.

I’ve been writing fanfic since 2005-2006 though only came to tumblr in 2018. Whilst I have loved my time here, and it still is my preferred place to write fiction, it is the most dramatic place to post on. I’ve never faced so much criticism, ridicule or hate before on a public platform such as this. But even more so, I’ve never received such beautiful and kind support as I have here either. Anon hate is the worst, and comes with a lot of backlash if I respond to it. I’m often told I’m problematic because now and then I do respond to it and that I should just ignore it every time.

In the case of today’s message, it was totally harmless - to me - and I could have easily just pushed delete. I chose to reply because whilst I might have laughed, to someone else, that could have been the start of them giving up writing which NO PERSON ASIDE FROM YOURSELF has the right to pressure you into doing. However, sometimes I get really awful messages to the point that I’ve considered deleting this blog numerous times just to avoid the bullshit. Of course, I never do... because at the end of the day, it’s their problem, not mine. I know what my actions are, and if I make a mistake, I’m the first to stand up, apologise, educate myself on my mistake and move on. So for those who choose to be entitled or take their own hurt out on others, I know it’s not my poor actions that have led them to do it.

But I am human, and I don’t have a thick skin. I do let things get to me too easily, and I know many writers who have also had attacks and felt uncomfortable from them. Whilst I might have laughed at today’s message, I have cried over some in the past. And yes, I’ll admit, I choose to have anon on. So therefore, I leave the door open enough for those nasty comments to come in. But for every anon hate I get, I can count many more kind and generous ones that make it worth it. 

Anon, reading of your journey broke my heart. How dare anyone target you like that so much that they take away your joy and love for something as creative and passionate as writing. Last year, I faced some of the worst feelings of my adult life from this website and I actually brought them up in therapy. I felt so stupid when I said them out loud to my counsellor, but she actually validated my fear, and pointed out my need for acceptance as a human was allowing me to treat myself really badly, because I was carrying around evidence that didn’t belong to me. Anon, it sounds like you too, after becoming hopeless from your situation - and rightfully so, that sounds so soul-destroying - are carrying around evidence that isn’t right. These people aren’t the ones holding your imagination hostage now though. Their treatment of you in the past has made you so reluctant to try again and I really hope you can break free from this! It’s taken me several months now to even feel comfortable with the idea of starting to let things go, and further, to allow myself to believe I’m a good person again. Cyber bullying is a real thing and can be very cruel... and I get so upset when people tell me to just not let it get to me. Sure, I’d love to! But when you hear the same thing over and over... or if someone believes in something that isn’t true about you and carries that around as fact, it does become harder to navigate. Anon, I hope you have a really good supportive network that you can turn to and I also hope you can try and stop suppressing your natural love for writing. If you ever need someone to talk to and feel comfortable doing so, please don’t hesitate to message me. Thank you so much for feeling brave enough to share your story with me. That takes a lot of courage, and I’m so honoured you trust in me enough to share it. 

Whilst I get frustrated, hurt, cry, angry, and dramatic at times, I write because it helps me as a person. I value that writing has a huge impact on my anxiety and my personality as a whole and could never let anyone take that from me. If I ever stopped posting here, you best bet, I’d be still writing somewhere in this world. I really hope you can write even just for yourself again soon <3

[make-it-mavis]

Homesick (Entry #35)

(cw: discussion of addiction) ----------

01/23/88   4:02 PM

Hey.

So. I’d admitted that I was an addict. 

Which was, as I’d realize in the days after, not just a sentence you could say and be over with. It was an admission to so many things, many of which I’d been trying so hard not to believe over the course of my addiction. That it really was that bad. That it wouldn’t just go away with time. That I could not stop of my own free will. That I couldn’t fix myself alone.

That counselling really was my one chance at beating this thing for good. 

Which, in itself, was a scary thought. If it was my last chance, I could not screw it up. And I’ve always loved screwing things up. It’s so, so important that I get this thing right, and it’s been really hard at points to picture myself doing that. Even as early as the second step, I felt doomed to fail.

The second step, of course, is Hope. 

Hope that a higher power could save us from ourselves.

Yeah. It’s not that I don’t believe in the Devs. I do, unfortunately. It’s just that I’ve always believed they’re fickle dickwads who don’t give a crit about any of us. They’ve only ever been a source of pain for me. Honestly, I outright hate the Devs. So being faced with this idea that if I didn’t find faith, I could not complete this extremely important counselling, I was understandably more than a little stressed. I didn’t get why that had to be part of the deal. So many of the steps are built around this faith. It’s integral. I had to beg the question: Do only Devout deserve saving?

Fix-it’s response to my spirited rants was to suggest that it did not necessarily have to be the Devs, just a higher power. Something bigger than him or me, some deeper meaning to life, something I truly believed in. Like he, himself, while he is a practicing Devout, places more importance on ‘duty’ than anything else. ‘Duty’ informs his actions, ‘duty’ colors his lens of the world. I probably don’t need to tell you the jokes I made out of that. He didn’t seem to get it.

That widened things up, I’ll give him that. But it widened them too much. I could either pick the Devs, or pull something out of my ass and make a religion out of it. The latter sounds like something I’d only enjoy doing while high, for cuss’ sake. I’ve never been too big on philosophies in general. Partying hard had always been enough of a philosophy for me, but then I went and partied too damn hard and wound up the mess that I was. A junkie with no rhyme or reason.

Step two was looking even more depressing than expected.

On the night before my third session, Fix-it brought out a surprise that he thought might help me relax or cheer up or what have you. He laid down a tarp, a few blank canvases, and gave me an assortment of tubes of paint and scraggly, used brushes. I was a little taken aback. I so rarely use normal, boring, non-magical paint. I was worried that using it would just make me feel worse about my brush still being on the fritz, but I was drawn to the naked canvases anyway. Fix-it sat at the table and watched as if he had put down food for a feral raccoon and wanted to give it space. Having him watch may have bothered me at one point in time, but he had done a genuinely pretty cool thing for me. I’d deal.

And let’s be real -- I am a feral raccoon.

It didn’t take me long to decide what to paint. The one thing that had been consistently on my mind: Revenge on Worluk. All in various gruesome ways. In one painting, I’d ripped her throat out with my teeth. In another, I crushed her with a giant fly swatter. The last one, which was my favorite, showed her dismembered and built into a chair that I was sitting on.

Fix-it said they were all beautiful, and they’d look so good on the shelf in the broom closet. I argued for a place in the kitchen, but no, he insisted that they’d look better in the closet.

As I worked, as I painted the gnarly details on that bug’s face, I couldn’t help but wonder what she had done for step two. What was her higher power? What could she possibly turn to for peace after what she had done to me? The Devs? Duty? Or are there just some things you can never make peace with? That is, if she even felt remorse for it at all. I couldn’t imagine a remorseful pixel in her body.

And then that led to me thinking, of course… What about me? What could ever really bring me peace? I knew for sure that I felt remorse. I definitely wished I had not gone down the path I did over the course of… well, ever since you left. I’d seen and done some really awful things. There was Tapper, there was that poor sap I threatened for a hit of GC, there was… everyone else I’d come in contact with, really. My actions had taken a darker turn than I’d ever gone down before, even in my past pits of depression. My mind was so haunted by then, I didn’t recognize it anymore. Relentless, nightmarish thoughts plagued me all the time. Trauma, guilt, hopelessness, existential questions without answers. Your death, and the blame I placed on myself. My Dev-given, meaningless lot in life. Hatred from what felt like the entire arcade over a crime I didn’t commit, enough to nearly get me killed. All this weighed down on me. It had trapped me. And the only escape I could ever see was in buffs. The thing that I felt the most fondness for, the thing that I had come to long for above all else, was a mind-numbing high. Buffs could save me from my mind, even if they ended up killing it in the process. 

That was my argument in favor of the addiction.

I had to find something, anything, that would bring a counter-argument strong enough to hold up. My guilt for hurting Tapper, while it was very deep and genuine, would only have so many legs to stand on. I even remembered my weird, buff-induced conversation with the river, wherein I realized I owed my own survival to you… and to myself. That had been a groundbreaking epiphany at the time. But it was not enough. I knew that.  Because I remembered what it felt like to be in the thick of my addiction, and I remembered how no one around me mattered anymore. Nothing I owed to anyone else would make a difference to me if I relapsed and fell back into that state of mind. Neither would anything I owed myself, certainly, not with my self-preservation offline. And in the face of all those facts... I was scared.

I didn’t feel safe. I felt like the floor beneath me could have broken at any moment, and I’d lose control again. I needed something to hold onto that could actually bear my weight, because I had become quite heavily burdened. But I had no idea what that thing could be.

It was so frustrating, nearly enough to bring me to tears as I painted. I kept remembering what Wreck-it told me when we fought, about how I didn’t actually want to get better, how I just wanted to keep using everybody, so there was no use helping me. That in particular stuck with me. I didn’t understand why at first. Maybe that was true when he said it. But it wasn’t anymore. 

I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. I didn’t want to be a plague on everyone around me, not really. I wanted to get better. But the means to do so felt like a cruel puzzle I couldn’t solve. Like a battle I had already lost.

Fix-it went to bed, but I stayed up into the night painting and pondering. Even after I was done, I took one of the paintings and began slowly and idly covering it with lazy patches of color. I did some serious soul-searching that night. I tried to harness whatever it was that drove me as a living being. Whatever it was, it must have been old. Older than my knowledge of the Devs, even. I tried to cast my mind back to my very first days and remember what inspired me then, before the Devs’ gospel tainted my life. But I couldn’t come up with anything substantial. Fun, mischief, laughter, all very important things, but no solid foundations for philosophies. Philosophies that could keep me away from substances, mind you.

It seemed hopeless. But I tried to relax with my painting. I took deep breaths and let the color flow, creating no image in particular. Just beautiful, abstract motions that felt self-soothing in the cleanest way I had attempted in a while. It really did feel great to have access to a full spectrum of color again, even if it was real, physical paint and not magical like mine. I so deeply missed having full functionality of my tools. All that time without it, I’d felt like I was hobbling around with a missing limb. I need my color. It’s just embedded in who I am. Always has been.

My very first coherent thoughts after being plugged in were about the color pulsing inside my code.

I froze.

Was that it?

Could that even work?

The force bigger than me, the deeper meaning to life, the one thing that had been with me since the very first second I remember entering consciousness… well, that was color. I see it and feel it in all things, and always have. It inspires me. It does guide my actions, in a sense. 

But color? It felt too obvious, almost. It was one of the most important things in the world to me. But could I really pull a philosophy out of it?

I felt cold, but not in a bad way -- more like a refreshing breeze on a sweaty day. But that breeze also felt hundreds of miles high, with me suspended on this one new idea that I had to strengthen before it could break. What if there was something even bigger than the Devs? Something that ignored games, roles, class, age, gender? Something that, if I played my cards right, could free me from the life I felt trapped in?

Something strong enough to weaponize against the Devs’ presence in my mind?

Even kill it for good?

I remember bursting into Fix-it’s room and scaring the bits out of him. I leapt onto his bed and stained the blanket with my paint-splattered hands.

“Color,” I said firmly.

Fix-it stammered, reaching to turn on the lamp. “Wha-- Wha-- What’s-- Mavy?”

“Color,” I repeated. “That’s my higher power. I think. The thing I believe in? I think it might be color.”

He was quiet for a second, his hands raised cautiously, his mouth open in hesitation to speak. “Mavy-- Mavy, settle down, now--” he said, not really registering my relatively controlled demeanor after my very aggressive entrance.

“Don’t tell me to settle down,” I told him. For some reason, I was shaking with adrenaline. I was so unsure. I wanted to be right, but I barely felt like I had an idea.

“Oh, it’s-- It’s just that last time you started goin’ on about color, you went and stabbed your hand with a fork, so, I just wanna make sure you’re not gonna--”

“Oh...” I said, the memories blowing up in my brain. “The kaleidoscope. In my dreams-- trips-- whatever-- the kaleidoscope… Me becoming color…”

I held my sticky wet glove to my forehead, my mind connecting more and more wires. Every thought and memory coming into my head was telling me that I was right. I stared past Fix-it, feeling my heart pound. “That can’t be a coincidence. There’s no way. That all has to mean something, right?”

“C-Color?” 

“Yes!” I jabbed him in the shoulder, at which he groaned in pain. “That’s it! My stupid higher power homework. I think I’ve got it!”

I heard him give vague and confused murmurs of encouragement as he sank back down to the pillows. “That’s great, Mavy, that’s wonderful… I’m so… so happy for you...” And he was out like a light, even with the light still on.

Whatever, I thought. Maybe he didn’t understand, but I… sort of did. That was what mattered.

The following night, though, I’d have to put that thought to the test. I went into my third session of counselling with a nervous sweat. I would have to explain my revelation to the group in words, when so much of it was just… how I felt. I’d been running through my speech again and again up until the moment I sat in that circle of chairs, and as I did, I began to doubt myself more and more. I don’t know anything about making solid philosophies, or if what I made could even be considered a philosophy. Maybe my idea was actually garbage, and they wouldn’t accept it. It was so vague. I hadn’t even worked out all the kinks in it yet. I just hoped I would understand it more as I said it out loud.

Stage fright has never been a problem for me. I’m a born performer. But this was not a performance. This was real life. I had trouble opening up like that even to you, and now here I was in a room with sprites I barely knew, including one who tried to kill me. I definitely didn’t like the idea of showing vulnerability in front of her. I didn’t want her to know anything about me.

But I knew the drill. Just deal with it.

When the turns eventually came to me, I introduced myself as an addict, and told everyone that I’d done some work on step two. There were a couple claps and nods.

“Except,” I told them, “I, uh, didn’t pick the Devs as my higher power. That’s not against the rules, is it?”

“No, no, of course not,” Clyde told me. “We have a few others here who also picked their own.”

“Charity,” someone said, waving slightly.

Another piped in, “Honor.”

Then, to my shock, the raspy voice of Worluk chimed in, with just about the most unexpected word I could think of.

“Friendship.”

Yeah. That threw me off. I tried not to raise my eyebrows so obviously at her, but I had to glance at least. I found her still not quite looking my way, but without a hint of shame in her body language. Who the hell was this chick?

I told myself to shake it off. The spotlight was on me, and I had no time to be tripped up by murderous mosquitoes. 

“What about you?” Clyde asked me. “Would you like to share?”

I swallowed. Now or never. “Sure. I picked, uh… color.”

Clyde’s featureless brows raised a bit, making my stomach clench in embarrassment. “Really? Well, that’s one we haven’t heard of before. What does color mean to you, Mavis?”

I looked out at the expectant faces. Except Worluk, who was still not looking, which I tried not to read into and just carry on. She could not ruin this for me. I had to be strong and confident, like I know I am. All I had to do was say a few words. It seemed like a simple thing to do, but I felt so damn seen, and I didn’t like it. I saw some impatient frowns from sprites who still didn’t want me there, I saw some eyes full of curiosity over what I’d say, but the rest just looked… neutral. Like I was just another part of the process. Like it didn’t matter to them either way if I fumbled or stuck the landing. 

Normally, I’d hate that. But in this context? It seemed to take so much pressure off. It wasn’t about them. It was my step to take, and they were just witnesses to it.

So I took a deep breath, and I just started talking.

“Color is… everything. I mean, it’s what I do, but it’s also who I am. Y’know, inside. Color is the first thing I remember from the moment I was plugged in. I don’t just see it, I feel it. And it’s… I mean, it’s in everything. Almost all of our games have color. That’s all we are at the end of the day, just blotches of color behind screens, and that’s… that’s kind of awesome, when you think about it. It’s something everyone has in common, no matter what game or role you’re programmed into. That makes things a bit simpler, y’know, to think of yourself not as a Good Guy or a Bad Guy or an Easter Egg, you’re just… a living splash of color.”

I wasn’t sure if I was actually making any sense, but to my surprise, I saw quite a few receptive faces even leaning in a bit to listen. They were intrigued, which was encouraging. So I took it a step further.

“As far as philosophies or things to live by, well… It just got me thinkin’ like... I’m an artist. And artists know that every color is useful. Any color can be mixed, or painted over, in any shade, in any shape. And usually…it takes a lot of different colors and shades to make a beautiful painting. So when you’ve been using the same color again and again, just monochrome, or even analogous, like I have… you’re not gonna be happy. There are so many things I’ve believed, so many things that I’ve thought to be absolute truths that have led me to take buffs. Like… I’ve never been into the whole Easter Egg thing. And I thought buffs were the only thing that could save me from that. But… maybe they’re not. Color, to me, feels like…”

I sighed, trying to pull the words out of myself. “...Flexibility. Possibility. An open mind, I guess. A new color is like a new way of thinking. And... there’s always another color. There’s always another way. And… y’know, it’s probably high time I started acting like it.”

There was silence for a moment. 

But then I saw smiles, and I heard claps, even some small words of encouragement. They were congratulating me and thanking me for sharing. Even some sprites that had given me standoffish looks before were giving me grudging nods.

I… did it. I did it right.

I could hardly believe it. I felt like I’d just spilled out some of my ugliest, most confusing guts, but they loved it.

I wanted to run. I wanted to scream. It was too heavy. I was too vulnerable. 

But all I could do was… grin.

“Mavis,” Clyde said, “thank you so much for sharing. That’s just fantastic to hear. You’re gonna do great things here -- and remember that even when you stumble, it’s that faith of yours that’s going to lift you back up again. You’re going to have to hold onto it from here on out. Don’t forget that.”

“Yeah,” I sighed so hard, it made me dizzy. “Yeah, of course.”

There was a bit more discussion, and the meeting carried on as usual, as if I hadn’t just done something incredible (for me, anyway). But I had a feeling I was going to have to get used to that. Bending myself in unnatural ways to reach this lofty goal of sobriety, and then carrying on as if everything was normal.

Because that was going to be the new normal, after all.

And my first night in that new normal, I tried to find ways to embody my colorful philosophy in whatever small way I could. I looked around at everyone in the circle, and I asked myself to examine the colors that each of them made me feel, beyond what I could see. Specifically Worluk, the one who had been giving me so much trouble, making me so much more nervous than I already was.

To me, she felt… like a toxic yellow. Barely touched with green. Just bright, garish, nauseating and impossible to ignore. While everyone else just blended into each other’s vague, muted tones. It became very apparent just how much I had been ignoring the rest of the group and honing in on her.

Surely, there was something I could do about that.

I wasn’t sure how effective it would be, but I dared to challenge myself with this: If I could not mute Worluk’s color in my mind, maybe I could at least let the rest of the group grow brighter.

[vixthefantheorist]

Is Anti the Shadow of the Egos?

First of all, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell are you talking about, woman? And I mean both senses of the phrase; the ‘what do you mean’ aspect and the ‘what the hell is a shadow’ aspect; as both are valid questions.

Well sit down, fam and lend me your ears for a bit. 

Now the kind of Shadow I’m talking about is the kind that come from  Megami Tensei’s Persona franchise! Specifically Persona 3 FES, Persona 4 and Persona 5, mostly because those are the only ones I’ve played; as I have never gotten my hands on Persona 1 or 2 so I can’t say what information they could have. Now Shadows are the lower parts of the psyche everyone has. I have them, you have them... your dog or cat has them (maybe). Jack and the Egos have them. Those lower parts are suppressed human thoughts given physical form. Suppressed negative thoughts of the heart and mind. Remember this. When people are unable to face their darker selves, they break loose, free from all control. Sounds a lot like a certain someone right?  Anyway, Shadows eat a person’s psyche. Now... this is where things get tricky. Depending on how powerful the Shadow is and its intentions are. As well as which Persona game Seán is going with, seeing as he is a Persona fan. I actually never knew that, and I just discovered that last night on a dev call with a friend of mine. And now that I looked back in some videos Seán did... I was surprised I didn’t notice before. OR I did and completely forgot. 

See that background behind Dr. Jack? Persona 5′s Joker~ Anyway, from that I Can only guess he has only played Persona 5, and from there probably became interested in it further and went into looking it further. Whether or not he has played Persona 3 and 4, I honestly don’t know, the fact he knows of Persona may have led to some ideas for Anti.

Now back to the Shadows, depending on the power and of course the intention of the Shadow when it eats psyches... can lead to two routes. A vegetative state or... Death.

Now, I know based on this leads me to think that Anti is a shadow self of Jack... and possibly the other Egos. Possibly. The reason I say this is because of the clue Seán gave when someone asked him if Anti was a tupla (tulpa? whichever) and he said, “Close but not quite.”

Interesting~

See, tulpa/tuplas are being made of concentrated imagination. It takes an extensive amount of practice to do this... though for some its easier, depending on how complex they are. So basically they’re imaginary friends you had as kids, just with the option to hurt you or not. But there are many other variables to go with them.  Now, Seán said it was close but not quite, so if that’s the case... then if we take into account his interest and love of Persona, then it makes sense. Shadows are concentrations of emotions, ones humans reject and hide within themselves to avoid facing them and revealing them to other people in the world. Because you know that means facing the possibility of friends you have rejecting you for what actually think and feel. All the little ugly thoughts you have... yeah.  As its true, no matter how much know a person, you will never know everything about them. You only learn a percentage of what they want to show. And what has Jack been doing the entire time Anti shows up and what does he do when the community points Anti out to Jack?  He ignores him. Or acts like he doesn’t know what we’re talking about or pretends to not see him. But he knows... He knows damn well Anti is there, can hear him... see him but actively chooses to not give Anti attention. Which infuriates the little bugger. In Persona 4, if one chooses or actively denies their shadow self, the shadow goes completely berserk, laughing at ‘being free’ and attempts to kill them to take their place. ...Anti did that twice. In Say Goodbye, he succeeds in killing Jack and took his place in the channel up until a certain point when Jack was revived and retook control. We do not notice the shifts until the PAX East message where Anti raves about being tossed aside. The second time was in Kill JackSepticEye video. But it seems that Anti realizes that killing Jack isn’t going to do much of anything since the Irishman would eventually come back to life and kick him out. So... what’s the next best option to render him helpless and take his place? But deny him being ‘revived’ again?  A coma.  Or in Persona 3′s case... inflicting Jack with Apathy Syndrome. Apathy Syndrome is an illness that reduces the victim into a vegetative state. Or close to it, its purely in the game. But the illness’s cause is a shadow eating the victim’s psyche and stealing the soul. That’s the general idea of the illness. Now it doesn’t exactly give details on it further but in the game and observing “the Lost” its a term people in the game give to the victims inflicted with Apathy Syndrome, its safe to say that the Lost are aware, but... well ‘lost’. They can’t move, eat or take care of themselves, mumbling or moaning. But they do sometimes speak in return but in barest of words.  So... think of Apathy Syndrome as a type of paralysis, you’re aware but you can’t do anything or barely speak if you’re lucky enough to. And if you can speak, your thoughts are so jumbled that you can’t form a coherent sentence together. You’re literally trapped in your own body. 

Now, knowing Anti wants Jack to suffer, so its likely he stole Jack’s ‘soul’ but only enough to keep Jack helpless but alive and aware. He just can’t move or give a signal to the Egos that he can hear them... can see them.  If Anti IS a shadow form of Jack, his direct dark self that he refuses to face; then it makes sense as to why Anti desires attention. He was suppressed and ignored and wants to be acknowledged. Now... that does paint Anti as a victim more than a villain, which is fine since we honestly don’t know who plays what roles if there even IS a role to play.  As Seán had said, “Protagonists aren’t always heroes,” and he’s very correct on that. Protags are just the main focus of the story, not always a hero, just a main character. The same can be said for Antagonists not always being the villain. Antags are there as hostile oppositions but not villains.  But what does this mean for the other Egos? And why does Anti mess with them given he already ‘won’ against Jack? Well, honestly I don’t know. Anti only knows negativity so he’ll just react and do things negatively and given he’s not as bound to Jack, he can do whatever the fuck he wants because he’s a dick. He knows all of Jack’s fears... maybe he wants to know all of the Egos fears and does know them if they had talked to Jack often about their troubles and such and wants more of that.And wants to mess with them because he can? Maybe force them to accept him as the new Jack, turn them into Shadows like himself?  Hell if I know.  But could explain Dr. Jack’s appearance... Henrik’s fear of being replaced by someone ‘better’. Dr. Jack being Henrik’s shadow. -Shrug- Maybe that’s the whole reason for the time loops and such, the Egos trying to get Jack to stop ignoring Anti before he gets kill or stuck in a paralyzed state. In Persona 5, people that you go... deal with act more closely to how their shadow selves are and don’t care, thus suppressing the positivity. And its your job to get into their hearts and kick their Shadows’ ass and tell them ‘No, that’s a bad thing, realize that. Apologize and admit your crimes and stop being a dick.’ Which in a way Jack is being... excluding Anti completely and being a dick to him. So Anti returns the favor and does a better job at it. Though Anti needs an ass kicking himself to be told to stop being a dick. Maybe. So its likely Jack understands what he needs to do but he can’t do anything to fix it because he can’t move or speak and Anti’s too pissed off at him to listen. That and Anti’s riding high on the attention, fears and reveling in the feel of *freedom* that he’s going to refuse giving it up.  Again its just theory I have. That Anti is/was a Shadow self of Jack but evolved into something more. Hell maybe Anti is the shadow of all the egos, absorbing their fears and darkness that they refuse to face... with the exception of Chase to a degree. Chase is a ball of negativity and acknowledges it, but likely refuses to face the reason of why or do anything about it; and Anti finds it funny or hell thinks of him as a battery to drain energy from. Who knows. But yeah, there it is, my possibility of what Anti could be. Now mind you, its just a theory and a possibility. So highly likely I’m very wrong, but it was a fun trip to think about. As ANY of this can be altered and changed by Seán to fit what he needs for the Lore. If it is indeed that he’s taken some inspiration from Persona as well. So not all the info I did share is what he thinks or uses. AUs people, you can rewrite the rules to how you want it. XD What do you guys think Anti is?

[atopearth]

Subarashiki Hibi (Wonderful Everyday Down the Rabbit-Hole) Part 4 - Jabberwocky I

Jabberwocky I Nice to see things from Tomosane’s perspective now! I’m looking forward to it! Omgg I just realised there’s a full voice patch so now I can hear Tomosane’s voice too! Yayy! I wonder if Yuki and Tomosane are actually separate souls in Takuji, and since Tomosane loves Yuki, he wants her to live even if it’s in the wrong body? Since it seems like he knows Yuki well? They talk to each other! Does that mean in this world or perspective, Yuki knows about being Takuji? Gotta love the different CGs of them all playing the piano, that’s my favourite one! I think Yuki looked the best though haha. Hasaki seems so pure and cute though, it seems like she really likes Tomosane haha. It’s so cute to see them interact. But I see, the reason why Hasaki’s rabbit doll looks human to Yuki is because Takuji doesn’t want to be reminded of the times he was actually nice to his sister. I guess that’s why in Takuji’s chapter, he was always uncomfortable around Tsukasa and Kagami. Umm, now that I think about it though, does that mean in the previous Tsukasa and Kagami endings, Takuji was doing stuff with his sister and the doll??? Anyway, I’ll just ignore that and not think too much about it. Yuki teases everyone loll, it’s so cute especially with Tomosane though haha. I guess I was right that Yuki is the culmination of the personality Takuji wants the most though~ Hmmm, I see, so this is set before Down the Rabbit-Hole etc since Yuki talks about how she’s beginning to more frequently forget about Tomosane and the existence of Hasaki. I guess the first chapter was the Yuki that had forgotten everything then… It’s kinda saddening to think of it like that though, especially seeing how close Yuki and Tomosane were, and how they seemed to keep each other “alive”.

Oh…so I guess the reason why Tomosane is portrayed as someone violent is not only because he’s the violent part that protects Takuji, but is also because he’s the violent part that Takuji created to destroy/erase his weak self and his whole existence due to his self-loathing? And the reason why Yuki is always the one that “survives” is because Takuji hates every part of himself aside from this “desired personality” called Yuki, so not only does he get Tomosane to destroy everything, he wants Tomosane to be able to protect her so that the “perfect” Takuji will be left behind. I was curious about the name calling thing (people calling Yuki etc Takuji yet she never thought it was weird), so, as expected, their brain just kinda tunes it to the respective personality name so they don’t hear that people are calling her Takuji. It’s kinda saddening to hear that Yuki was the first personality and Tomosane learnt everything about the split personality thing from her, and yet the one to know nothing in the end was her. It’s kinda crazy ridiculous and sad that in Down the Rabbit-Hole, when you think about it, the whole time she was chasing after Takuji doing all this crap, she was really chasing after herself. It’s scary to think about it like that, especially when she couldn’t recall any of those memories herself. I feel sorry for Hasaki though, she never knows which personality it is so she hides to figure it out, and she’s only really able to communicate properly with Tomosane since he’s the only one that’s sane or recognises her existence. And I guess even though Takuji “hates” Hasaki, Yuki and Tomosane also exist to protect Hasaki from himself. It’s kinda interesting to think about how Kagami was always so protective of Tsukasa though, I guess despite how things really looked in reality, the doll is like Hasaki’s protective charm so of course Kagami would do her best to keep Tsukasa aka Hasaki safe.

As we all knew by now, Tomosane came about when Takuji couldn’t take the excessive bullying he experienced “that day” and lost it so his violent persona helped beat Shiroyama and them up and made Takuji someone to be feared from then on. Honestly though, despite everything, seeing the crying Takuji really broke my heart, because we can easily blame Takuji for causing this whole mess especially with how insane he went, but in the end, when I think about how much he must have suffered to come to this, it makes me cry at how terrible this all is. And it also hurts to think about how Tomosane barely came into existence yet already knew what his role in this “story” was, and he technically fulfilled it well, since initially all I thought of him really was something like a destroyer. It must have hurt to have to punch himself all the time… So, Tomosane had interacted with Zakuro when he returned the uniform to her…I guess that’s why she noticed him and was rather interested in him all this time? I can see why Takuji always thought Yuki and Tomosane were really strong though, he probably subconsciously was aware of their fight when they “first met” and Tomosane was confused as to who she was. It was really bittersweet when Tomosane admitted to himself that Yuki was the only reason he had to live.

Hmm seems like this “original incident” that started everything and caused the multiple personalities to exist is something only Hasaki can tell us later on? I wonder why Takuji being too competent made it worse? And why did it cause Hasaki to be in the ICU for months and then to the psychiatric hospital?? But I guess it’s gotta be pretty bad for Takuji to become who he has become… HAHAHA, I love how Tomosane wanted to get rid of Hasaki to play games in peace, so he told her he was playing eroge, and yet instead of being turned off, she tried her best to be interested so she could spend time with him and understand him better, she’s such a good girl! Lmao when he eventually had to tell her it wasn’t an eroge and she got mad and turned off the power button lolll! He totally deserved that. LOLL at Yuki and her lewd jokes, I feel so sorry for Tomosane, but I guess it’s okay since I’m sure deep down they both enjoy the useless banter lol. I find it so amusing that whilst Yuki was hanging with Zakuro on that date, she was actually talking with Tomosane about useless crap a lot of the time lol. It’s kinda saddening to think that there’s a Yuki that Yuki doesn’t even know about, the Yuki that sees Hasaki as the Wakatsuki sisters…and to think that this funny Yuki that teases Tomosane all the time is going to disappear is so saddening… Now that I think about it, Takuji always seemed to think that he skipped classes, but it seems that in reality, it was just Tomosane or Yuki always sitting the class for him, and since he has no memories of it, I guess he thought he skipped them. So cuteee that Hasaki always brings him lunch and that everyone in class practically knows about her because she comes so often lol! Btw, it was so sweet yet sad when they Yuk, Tomosane and Hasaki shared a bed to sleep and Hasaki wished that they could always be together like this…

Takuji is an illegitimate child of the White Lotus Association founder?? Does that mean that Takuji being too competent causing problems was because that made them realise who his real rather was and that led to his supposed father Mamiya leaving them and causing his mother to go crazy? Does that mean he and Hasaki are half siblings? Or are they not related at all? Because Hasaki seems to really like Tomosane in a romantic way haha. Now I see why Yuki was constantly holding on to her consciousness… it’s because Takuji already decided to have the “new” Yuki be the only one and erase this Yuki, and that’s why she wanted to mend Tomosane’s relationship with Hasaki, so that even when she’s gone, Hasaki can still have someone to talk to. And it’s true, Tomosane might think it’s better for everyone if he pushes Hasaki away since he’s going to disappear one day, but really, whether he likes it or not, they’ve developed a bond that he can’t just pretend doesn’t exist, either way, she’s going to get hurt, so at least give her good memories! But I see, that whole Tomosane “bullying” Takuji, was actually him getting desperate and scared trying to erase Takuji before he himself gets erased first. Without him realising, his existence was becoming less and less apparent as Takuji became more obsessed with getting revenge on this world. I wonder how Hasaki has been doing…

It was heartbreaking to see Tomosane have to witness this new Yuki that he can’t talk to and can only watch as she bears the same face as the one he loves, yet is nearly completely different since she has no memories of him. I see, the whole time it felt like this new Yuki’s memories were a bit weird was because her memories were constantly being rewritten with Takuji’s experiences as somehow her own in order to “make sense” in her life as an “individual”. My heart broke when Tomosane cried, but it became so bittersweet when Yuki actually appeared to hug him when he was crying about her disappearing forever. I guess it was expected, just as Tomosanei didn’t want to hurt the people around him by creating bonds with them, he also was scared of hurting himself. He doesn’t want to disappear, but it’s his role. He wants to stay with everyone too, but he can’t. He was always scared of being close to others because he knew it was all temporary and he couldn’t and didn’t want to accept that. So just as he really wants to erase Takuji, he’s also scared of it because that means he’s going to disappear… Yuki is really strong though, she’s the one who’s actually experiencing all this disappearance, gaps in memory, someone new taking over her etc and yet she could still smile and do her best alongside Tomosane and Hasaki. I guess in a way, they probably gave her the strength to last this long… I really wish she and Tomosane can have a good ending🥺😭 I think I can now see why in the previous chapters when Kagami and Tsukasa went up to the rooftop and shouted for Tomosane when he was about to disappear, Hasaki really loves and cares about him. Seeing her cry over the fact she hadn’t seen him for a week and thought he disappeared altogether was so saddening. I guess Kagami and Tsukasa isn’t just what Yuki sees as Hasaki? It’s also some sort of illusion (probably similar to the other ones Takuji sees) and they’re probably some sort of voice of reason that Takuji hates to see but always exists in the back of his mind to try and get back his sanity? How scary for Tomosane though, he can actually hear the thoughts of the new Yuki and Takuji… And the reason why Takuji can defeat Tomosane now is because he doesn’t want to destroy himself anymore. Never expected Yuki to give Tomosane like a mental and physical training session before the last boss kinda thing haha! That was pretty cool.

Ayana really does talk to every single one of them, doesn’t she? It was so cool when he fought against Master and won! Even cuter when Hasaki let him lie on her lap and he promised to come back to protect her after defeating Takuji. Well, I’m glad that H-scene was short, I knew it was coming but dang loll. Honestly though, I feel like in this chapter, Tomosane loves both Yuki and Hasaki. I felt like he felt restricted from liking either of them because one is a part of himself/Takuji and the other is his little sister, but he still felt very connected to them and loved them. Although I feel like he would have been fine with staying platonic with them haha. Oh well though, doesn’t matter because I feel like although him with Hasaki is pretty scandalous and weird (how old is she??), in a sense, it was still rather sweet considering what they went through and how technically they aren’t “related” haha. Ohhh I should have known but it never clicked! The name that Tomosane keeps saying but Takuji can’t hear is Hasaki! Although we all knew it was coming, it was still terrible to see Takuji win and kill Tomosane first. I guess it hits harder this time though, because now we know what kind of person Tomosane was, and how much he wanted to protect Hasaki. At least in his last moments before disappearing, he could see a future where he and Hasaki would go back to their old town together and see the sunflowers…

Overall, I really liked this chapter! The Tomosane and Yuki banter all the time about nothing and everything was fun and very sweet because you could really see how much they loved each other and enjoyed the other’s company. Also great to see this original Yuki because I definitely love her so much more, but I guess it’s also because of her relationship with Tomosane that makes me like her so much. In terms of Tomosane, I loved how he initially seemed like a cold guy that was just violent until you slowly realised that he just tried his best to keep up with his role as the Destroyer, and that he didn’t want to hurt others and himself that’s why he distanced himself from everyone. I honestly really loved how real and relatable he felt, and how I could really feel for his emotions and thoughts a lot of the time, it was great. I also really liked Hasaki, she’s a great sister and definitely one everyone would want to protect. I just loved everyone’s relationship with Tomosane here and I think their interactions and characters were such a highlight for the story, because even though it helped to answer stuff about Hasaki and about Takuji himself, it also built upon everyone’s characterisation very well. Definitely my favourite chapter! Honestly, there were some parts that were needlessly draggy, but it was still really good~!!

[dailydoseofbeautiful-image]

1) IT’S OKAY TO FAIL

I’m not sure how other 34 year olds feel when their 35th birthday is coming up. As for me, I felt like my failures grew more apparent. Celebrate what you HAVE accomplished and be grateful for another day.

2) CRAVE TO BE A BEGINNER AGAIN

I’ve been wanting to try something new for a good minute. Like point number one, it’s okay to fail at something! This goes hand in hand with being a beginner. I strongly believe in being a student of life. I always wanted to learn a new language.

3) LOVE YOUR PARENTS

We are often so busy growing up, we often forget they are also growing old! If you needed a reminder to call your parents, this is it. Do it now! My mom is my world. She was my worst enemy as a teenager but now my best friend as an adult <3

4) MOVE AT YOUR OWN PACE

Fuck what everyone is doing on Instagram. Fuck what your high school friends are doing. Fuck what your college friends are doing. Live your life at your own pace. If you had kids or want kids before marriage, fuck it. If you chose your career before a man, FUCK IT. You will move at the pace that is meant for YOU.

5) SO LIVE THE LIFE AND TAKE EVERY CHANCE TO BE AS HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE..

Being true to yourself takes guts. First, you’ve got to face everything around you and figure out what is important; what you think really counts ;). second, you’ve got to interact with a lot of people who may see things differently.

6) RELATIONSHIPS

No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater... The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. and that’s the key. it’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.

7) SOULMATE

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah.. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then Leave.

8) 30S ARE BETTER THAN YOUR 20S

It’s the same! Except we’re still young enough to have fun without making dumb decisions. We’re also more mindful financially! We always have experienced and seen things and know what not to repeat. I feel a little more at ease at 30. I’m caring less about what other people think. I really don’t have energy for it anymore!

9) WEAR THE FUCKING SUNSCREEN

My mom always told me to wear sunscreen on my face. I never listened. I have a lot of sunspots on my face now! Wearing sunscreen helps protect you from skin cancer, wrinkles and sunspots/freckles. If you aren’t listening to ya mama, listen to me! lol I wear Glossier’s Invisible Shield, but they’ve been sold out for a good minute. So, I’m currently using Super Goop’s Sunscreen Moisturizer. So far, it hasn’t made me break out!

10) TAKE OFF YOUR MAKE UP BEFORE BED

At the very least, keep some make up removal wipes beside your bed! I know we’re tired af at the end of the night, but you’ll be doing your skin a huge favor in the long run. Just know that make up wipes don’t take off everything, you’d be surprised how much is still on your face! So always try to go further and do your skin care routine.

11) LIFE

This Life is what you make it. no matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes. it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girl’s will be your Friends - they’ll act like it anyways. but just remember, some come, some go. the ones that stay with you through everything- they’re your true best friends. don’t let go of them. As for Lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And i hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if yoi give up, you’ll never find your soulmate, you’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will? so keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

12) GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT

Everyone on social media posts their highlight reels but only a few share the grit and grind behind it all. Don’t forget to give yourself credit even for the smallest things that you don’t think is “post worthy”. Pat yourself on the back!

13) BE MORE SELF AWARE OF HOW YOU REACT TO OTHERS

I strongly believe in the butterfly effect. How you treat others can leave a positive or negative effect on them. I always try my best to be kind to others. If I can’t be kind, I’m very quiet! Even if people are mean to me, I think deeper like are they having a bad day? Maybe my kind act can help them change their mood.

14) BE NICE AND EXPECT NOTHING IN RETURN

Best recipe to live by. So many people offer a lending hand but expect so much in return.

15) DON’T FORCE THINGS – LET IT FLOW ORGANICALLY

Someone who forces shit to happen is ignorant & aggressive. You can’t force relationships or friendships to work out. It doesn’t work that way if it’s ONE SIDED. Sometimes, TIME helps a situation out. Let it play out, what’s destined to be yours will be yours!!! All relationships should be bloomed organically. Always try to understand one another. Some people don’t move like you and that’s okay.

16) YOU DON’T TOLERATE PEOPLE OR SITUATIONS LIKE YOU USED TO

Enough said. Ain’t no body got time for that.

17) IT’S NORMAL TO SEE A THERAPIST

You don’t have to be “crazy” to see a therapist. I did and it was life changing. There’s a huge stigma with mental health, but it’s actually more common than people think. People struggle with it daily but hide it because of the stigma. I also found out that students who are trying to become a therapist offer free or very affordable services to those who don’t have insurance! Check out any college and I’m sure you’ll find something fitting!

18) MEDITATE.. DO THAT SHIT PLS

Practice your breathing too! Headspace is really helpful app that concentrates on various subjects: anxiety, depression, stress, etc. I don’t meditate long! It can be as little as 3 minutes. Taking a moment to find yourself again can help you in the long run.

19) NOW’S THE TIME TO SEE THE WORLD

BITCH, you better be planning to travel!!!!! I can’t emphasize this enough. If you’re a woman reading this, we MUST DO IT NOW. Before you have kids, just do yourself this favor. You won’t regret it. Seeing parts of the world has broaden my perspective immensely!

20) MARI KONDO THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR LIFE: CLOTHES, BOOKS…PEOPLE

I’m at this point in my life where I’m looking at everything and everyONE and ask myself, does this spark joy?! It’s completely necessary for you to start fresh and say thank you to things and people who no longer serve a purpose in your life.

21) IF YOU DON’T HEAL WHAT HURT YOU, YOU WILL BLEED ON PEOPLE WHO DIDN’T CUT YOU (@THEASLAYWAY)

You can’t rely on someone else to fill the void you were supposed to heal yourself first. Don’t be selfish and make sure that you are completed healed when moving on to the next partner!

22) DO WHAT YOU WANT, POST WHAT YOU WANT, LIVE HOW YOU WANT!!!!

WE AINT GIVIN A FUCK IN 2019 & MOVING FORWARD. Go ahead and post what you want. We’re not living for the validation of others.

23) DON’T LIVE SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM

Currently trying to get through this right now. lol

24) MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH

This goes with 17 & 18. If I sound like I’m repeating myself, then it’s because I really am adamant about it! I didn’t always have GAD, but when I realized I had it, I learned to take the necessary steps to control my anxiety. I realized working out in the gym is not the only “exercising” I should be doing. I should be practicing affirmation, gratitude & meditation.

25) BE CAREFUL WHO YOU GET CLOSE TO

Some people really just in it for the gossip. Keep your circle tight and you’ll be aiite. For me, being in the social media industry has led me to meet several people. It’s rare to meet someone genuine, so I always make sure I keep my distance but still always show respect and give them an opportunity to open up.

26) OTHER PEOPLE MAY BE TOXIC IN YOUR LIFE, BUT MAKE SURE YOU’RE NOT THE TOXIC ONE

As you get older, accountability will help you grow. Owning up to your actions towards others can help you realize how you react towards others or situations. Before pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. I’m a strong believer of what you give this world is gonna come back to you.

27) PLEASE DON’T WORK OUT ON ONLY BOOTY AND ABS

I remember signing up for the gym and telling the membership counselor my goal was to grow a bigger butt and get abs. I’ve learned that your body works as a whole unit, not in isolation! Overall strength over aesthetic is the wave! I love being strong <3

28) RESEARCH HOW YOU CAN IDENTIFY PERSONALITY DISORDERS

You’ll come across people in your life that you can’t see eye to eye with. It could be family, your partner or your friends. I think it’s important to grasp a better understanding of personality traits/disorders such as narcissism, bipolar, emotional abusers, psychopaths, etc. They come or are in your life more often than you think! Not only do I suggest to gain insight on it, but also I recommend researching how to DEAL with it. I promise you things will come to light once you do.

29) LOVE YOURSELF – YOU CAN’T SERVE FROM AN EMPTY VESSEL

Your 20s are your selfish years. Remember to put yourself FIRST. We cannot love someone successfully without loving ourselves first. Our first love should be ourselves to know how WE want to be loved. We must feel secure before stepping into anything serious. Live life for yourself, be gracious and love yourself wholeheartedly.

30) BEFORE YOU ARGUE

Before you argue with someone, ask yourself, is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives? Because if not, there’s absolutely no point.

31) NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

never take responsibility for ppl not seing your worth. There was nothing u could have changed them. No perfection would have made them loyal. No sacrifice would have them made committed. Stop taking blame for decisions that aren't yours

32) Success is never owned.. it’s rented, and the rent is due everyday. -pacman

33) SOMETIMES

I care too much, I trust too much, I think too much, I love too much, everything about me is just too much. But even so I wouldn’t want to change that about me. Just holding onto the hope that one day my “too much” will be everything someone could ever want.

34) FROM GOOD THINGS TO BAD THINGS

From good things, we learn to be a thankful person. From bad things, we learn to be a strong person. Remember that everything will not go the way you want it to. It's a matter of learning that life isn't handed to you. Stop worrying about what others want. Think about what you want, if you listen too much to what people say about you, you will never be who you really are.

[atrabiliousse]

Oooo thank you for doing this!! How about tulip for the boyz Kevin? 💛💛💛

me: a mess coming back after 1823 years

here you are, lovely 💖

Tulip with Kevin

Your biggest let down had always been your pride.

It was a sort of sensitive topic for you in actual fact seeing it had taken a while for you to actually be proud of yourself and who and what you stood for. You had gone through a number of identity crises, a period in your life in which you felt vulnerable to everything and everyone and years of succumbing had led to the day you had finally had enough.

You had picked yourself up, fathered your courage and confidence and truly done some soul searching before you realized who you wanted to be.

The adaption was hard but you bit through it and with that epic rise in self discovery came your greatest flaw.

Pride that broke a lot of relationships.

Alas, no one is perfect and you accepted it for what it was, but you struggled to change once again to the right balance out of fear of returning to the person you once were. The girl who put everyone before herself and her happiness, the girl who could never say no and the girl who struggled to stand up for herself.

You had done a complete 180 and the thought of changing that, worried you of completing the circle in perfect geometry and starting a vicious cycle of more identity crises.

To you, your pride had never caused worrisome problems, mostly bruised a relationship here and there, but never had it gotten you in any trouble.

Not until recently.

It was a repetitive argument between you and your roommate, one that started out very minuscule but with each passing day grew heavier, problems with undone laundry, late rent and borrowed money had drawn the line for you. A line that you had meant for her not to cross but had caused you to do so instead.

It was an empty threat to begin with, a feeble hope that it would cause her to take action, but in the heat of the argument, you had stayed true to the threat, with words harsh and a high held head, you grabbed as many of your things as you could and walked out, notifying the landlord that everything was now left for her to deal with. The lease was of course under her name, so he had no issue helping you pack your things into the boot of your car and waving as you drove off.

Drove off to absolute nowhere seeing as you had no other means of accommodation and your heated temper and overrun mouth now left you homeless.

Your big talk of having many better options of accommodation and possible roommates made you want to throw your head against your steering wheel in frustration.

The city was big and home was way too far away to travel to and fro for classes. And there was absolutely no way you would turn back and walk into the apartment with your head down. No, you were no longer that girl.

You had given your roommate countless of chances, seeing as she had been so desperate for the extra help with rent and she had promised you so much, but after months of having to clean up after her and having to pay much more than you had bargained for, you had called it quits and you felt justified for refusing to return.

So you drove around, convincing yourself that you had made the right choice even after realizing all you could afford was a motel room and that the option was not appealing at all considering all the rumors and crimes that had circled around the motels in your city.

After countless of hours of back and forth, you finally parked your car in the McDonalds parking lot, and pulled out your phone, staring at the contact for minutes before your finally steeled down and pressed dial, the dread settling in you as you finally realized what you were ultimately doing.

Kevin Moon had been a close friend and long time crush on your side. He had been the only person to witness every single one of your evolutions and stuck around even when he didn’t particularly agree with you, he still made the effort to stay in your life and not be another statistic of those who had left.

Maybe your crush on him was a result of that or maybe it was because the boy had stuck up for you many times in high school and pulled you aside and dried your tears, offering a horrendous joke to make you smile, his arm always coming around you to rub your arm and pull you tight against him as if he wanted to physically support you.

Whatever the case may be, Kevin had been the softer part of your heart’s chambers and it was because of that exact reason that you always tried to keep a safe distance as not to get hurt but also not too much to push him away for good.

A fine balance you always managed, but it had become increasingly more difficult the more Kevin used his cheesy pickup lines on you and grabbed your bag from you whenever the two of you would walk to the parking lot together or when he’d walk into the library with your favorite coffee and a sticky note attached and leave it at your table as you studied. It always had something stupid written on it, but you kept every single one of them for the days when you felt at your worst.

He was the antidote you always denied in fear of a poisoning and a reckless spiral to the bottom hard concrete of reality.

“What did you do?” He sighed dramatically but the lilt of humor was evident enough.

But you had no time for humor when you were currently homeless and walking with your tail tucked between your legs, “Are you home?”

“Depends…what exactly do you have in mind?”

You didn’t answer him for a while, instead a beat of silence, you panicked and embarrassed and him confused and maybe just a tinge worried.

“The door is unlocked, I’ll have a cup of hot cocoa ready with your name on it.” He said before hanging up and leaving you breathless and annoyed.

Breathless because he always somehow knew you too well and annoyed because he always somehow knew you too well.

But nevertheless, you drove to the boy’s apartment, reprimanding yourself for even dialing his number and now having to explain to the boy that your pride and impulse had cost you a roof over your head.

It’s when you walk into the apartment hesitantly, seeing his back at the kitchen counter that you decide to forget all the embarrassment, the shame and ignorance. Kevin had known you for so long and even though he didn’t always approve, he never once judged you, well not too harshly at least. He was a gentle soul, quirky but gentle and much too loving for you to just discard.

“Hey.” Your voice was airy and soft, something you both knew was a telltale to your disasters.

Kevin turned to you with a smile at the ready and two mugs in his hand, “You’re just in time. Sit your little butt down and tell me what’s happening.”

So you did as told, taking the mug from him with gratitude and sitting comfortably on his couch, facing him. It’s a brown leather couch that his uncle had given him after his divorce, telling Kevin that he needed a new start, and a new start meant a new everything.

It was in perfect condition, no scratches or imperfections in the leather. Expensive and classic and utterly comfortable.

“I might have told Emily to shove her apartment up her ass and packed all my things and left. So I might now be homeless.” You rounded off the story, you had never been one for many details.

“You make me so tired and stressed, what am I supposed to do with you?” Kevin’s forefinger shoved lightly at your forehead, you fell back dramatically against the armrest with a sheepish smile and shrugged shoulders.

The boy looked at you in silence as you sipped on the sweet beverage, your eyelashes tickled your cheeks when you looked down at the contents in your mug and you slurped the drink more because of your impatience and its heat. He admired the way your delicate hands clutched his green mug as if you were in the heart of winter and soaking up all sources of heat your body could find.

You were as dense as you were proud, but the boy hoped that with this tiny sliver of a crack in your pride now, there would be some shedding of your oblivious nature towards his feelings.

He had been there for you in every dire change of outlook and approach, but even with the dozens of changes you had tried to make, you never could shake away your unbearably sweet soul. The soul he had sketched in golds and silvers in his classes and shoved quickly into his bag whenever you waited for him at the end of his lecture.

Kevin was in love, painstakingly so in love with a girl adamant on changing who she was, and it always hurt him. Why couldn’t you tell that you were enough, you were more than enough? Why couldn’t you see the pretty blush on your cheeks whenever someone complimented you? Why couldn’t you see the softness of your eyes when you were concerned about almost everyone around you?

And although he suspected that you did know these things about yourself, why then were you burying them away?

“Well you know me, Miss Pridefully Independent.” You sighed now, drained and hopeless as you placed the mug down on the coffee table, pulling your legs into your chest.

“And in true karma, that title came back to bite you on the ass.” He noted, lifting his eyebrow and surveying the way you picked at your jeans.

You looked up then, a soft but broken smile, “Well we all knew it would someday.”

The boy wanted to hug you, to shake away the pain and the realization your face expressed, but he knew that it was for the best, for you to see that you were not alone in the world and sometimes people need people.

Kevin nudged your leg with his foot, “So what’s your plan?”

Taking a big gulp of metaphorical courage, you mustered up a sheepish smile and drew your shoulders in, “Can I sleep on your couch? Just for tonight! Tomorrow I’ll figure out something, maybe Emily will call me, or I’ll call her depending on how desperate I get.”

He remained quiet for a bit, watching as you sagged down and glanced up at him every now and then nervously. He wasn’t used to it, not in a long while at least, to see the girl so vulnerable.

And it was beginning to make him terribly weak in the knees.

“No,”

You looked up in utter shock and fear.

“But you can sleep in my room and I’ll take the couch. You can stay for as long as you want.”

“Kevin-”

The boy had already gotten up, patting your thigh as he stood, “No time for chitchatting, we need to get you unpacked and to bed. You’ve had a long day.”

Your heart felt like it had swollen to double the size and it would cause your rib cage to break open and scream your feelings aloud. You didn’t deserve him, not in the slightest but he refused to leave you on your own.

You tugged on his sleeve, too heavy with emotions to stand,

“You mean the world to me.”

“It hasn’t even been a night, you can’t be falling for me already,” his smile was cheeky as always, but his eyes didn’t match the mischief, “but maybe you mean the world to me too.”

And you knew, as he grabbed you hand and walked you to your car, grabbing your things and telling you to walk ahead of him so he could see you, that it wouldn’t have taken even a night, maybe just the few minutes of him settling you into his apartment and then putting in your favorite Disney movie for the two of you to watch together only to doze off to, perfectly comfortable with each other’s warmth, that if you were not already in love with Kevin Moon, waking up in his bed to him cooking you breakfast with your coffee just the way you liked it, it would only take a second longer with him to be irrecoverably in love with him.

[redrisingreaper]

Ichor (fic preview)

Here's an excerpt/preview to the time-travel fix-it fic where (most) everyone lives/nobody dies, I'm currently writing. I'm trying to write it in snippets that when slappes together should form a decent-sized chapter (3000-4000 words). Hope this technique will work for me :) also this is totally not so i can give each snippet a title

So yeh Darrow's mind travels back on time into his body when he's buried post-execution, before the Sons of Ares find him. If you think it's written ambiguously, fear not, it's intentional (probably).

I'm not sure on the title yet. might change it later to something equally aesthetic lol

Unburied

Darrow wakes up buried.

Dark, red dirt surrounds him, chokes him. Blind panic engulfs him, but he retains enough sense to claw his way out, breaking his nails in the process. He gasps for breaths when he breaks out, damp air filling his desperate lungs. Through the haze of pain -his neck hurts, his back bleeds, but his head, oh his head is killing him- he sees the old tunnel he's in. The old tunnel. There's a flare next to his grave. The situation, as absurd and unbelievable as it is, slowly starts to make sense.

He's back.

He's back.

Or is he? What if this is some elaborate ruse? What if this is a dream? Darrow doesn't remember ingesting anything suspicious -Obsidian mushrooms, Purple drugs or other weird cosmic shit- but the solar system is vast and he is a man with many enemies, and many willful friends who wouldn't hesitate to mess with him and slip something into his food and drink.

His fingers dig into the red earth. Deep breaths. Deep breaths, Darrow. Calm down and wait to see what happens.

When the tumbler comes with the men in Octobernacht masks, he stays silent, choosing caution over that weird mix of hope and dread it drudges up in him. Shut the slag up and analyze the situation, as Victra once aptly said.

Where once he would've balked at strangers helping him, this time Darrow quietly curses as they haul him by his upper arms in the tumbler. His small, broken Red body is a foreign vehicle. Seeing Harmony again, even with her half-scarred face behind the mask, makes his sword hand twitch, but unlike their first meeting he doesn't say anything.

Silence, he has learned, invited curiosity. Which led to information.

"Lazarus," Harmony says finally, after a long stare, "You're a damn mess."

Darrow takes the scarlet headband out of his pants pocket and clenches it in his fist. He looks down at it and tries to calculate how many years it has been since he last saw it. Decennia. They feel like centuries.

"Home sweet home,” she says after they pass the checkpoint. And when they pile out of the tumbler, “Now time to meet Dancer.”

Dancer is as handsome and as old as Darrow remembers him. It takes all of his control to blink away the tears, to gulp down the words stuck in his throat. If this is a joke, it has to be the cruelest of them all. He's missed his steadfast, eternally burdened friend.

"You must be wondering who we are." Dancer says.

"The Sons of Ares." Darrow answers, and is infinitely glad his voice comes out steady, if toneless. Let them think him still shaken by Eo's death, by his execution. Better than they know the truth.

Dancer studies him, "You need a patch-up. Harmony, take care of him." Then again to him, "We'll talk when you're not bleeding all over the bloodydamn floor."

He ignores all of Harmony's attempts at smalltalk, and when those fail, at provocation. He doesn't know what to think of her, the indirect cause of Fitchner's death, Adrius and Roque's betrayals. Avoidance is working well so far. And her less than gentle treatment grounds him into the present. Present. He barely smothers a snort.

Right.

The antinac and the shower make all aches recede, save for the migraine plaguing him. It feels like his head is being split open. Darrow is gripping his hair when Dancer comes in with food.

"Bet you got a lot of questions."

Darrow frowns and forces himself to think past his headache, tries to remember how past him would act. Grieving. Angry. "Do they matter? Eo is dead. I should be with her in the Vale."

Well, that might be laying it on a little thick but they'll both survive his melodrama.

It's Dancer's turn to frown, "We saved your life, Darrow. So your life is ours. No dying for the dead today. Or tomorrow. Or any day from now on. You owe us. You owe Ares. Your uncle does too and he knows this."

"Is he dead?"

"No."

Darrow nods, but another lump has settled in his throat at the mention of his uncle. Uncle Narol. Long dead, shot by the Jackal. His last words resonate in Darrow's head, momentarily driving away his headache.

Dancer is studying him again. His bright eyes read him like an open book, drawing conclusions from the sorry sight he makes. Hopefully his align with what Darrow wants him to know. Then, like the first time, Dancer proposes the card game.

Darrow wins, although he's tempted to lose. Let another take his burden. Let another suffer in his place. But those are wistful musings, like how he sometimes wishes he could fly, or that he could breathe in space.

Dancer tells him about Ares, about the Conquering, about Rhea. He still uses the same damn flea metaphor as last time. Everything fits, except that this time, Darrow is an old, wartorn soul trapped in his first body.

Dancer talks about Eo, the martyr of hope, the symbol of the rebellion. Of more import in death than she ever was alive. "They call her Persephone."

"She’s not coming back,” he snaps, "So what does it matter what they call her?" Eo doesn't ever come back. But he does. Darrow, the reaper -unworthy, undeserving- does. Not for the first time, Darrow marvels at the unfairness of it all.

And then Dancer takes him to the view that had torn his world apart, once upon a time. "You tried to die before,” he says. “Do you want to do so again?”

"I want..." to go back. To stay. He wants Mustang and his children and Sevro and Victra and the life he fought so hard for. He wants Ragnar and Roque and Cassius and Quinn and Tactus. He wants to change history, wants his dead friends to meet his children. He wants to do it again, but better. Can he? Will he? There's only one way to find out. "I want a world where girls like Eo don't have to die for a dream."

It earns him a sad smile. "Justice. I feared you'd want only vengeance."

He shrugs, careful to not stray from his young, impulsive, brash self, "Whichever comes first."

Dancer shakes his head but continues to lead him towards the upper floors. Finally they reach it. He turns to him when they near a door, the door, "Don't let this break you."

They enter.

And the city of Gold that sprawls before them brings him to his knees.

Darrow cries then, all his pent-up fear and guilt and anger pouringout of him. A dam with its floodgates opened. "A lie," he says brokenly, "It has to be a lie." He means his miraculous disastrous return, the lie he keeps on telling himself, but is grateful when Dancer thinks it's about the lie they've both been fed.

He watches the bright city through hazy eyes -eyes that are so lacking compared to his Gold ones- barely listening to Dancer as the latter explains.

Every Color has a purpose. Every Color props up the Golds. Red lowest of them all.

Darrow is inclined to agree. This body is... less. Nothing is as easy, nothing is as clear, nothing is as good as his Gold carved body. He feels like a wolf trapped in the skin of a rabbit.

The acrid smell of smoke fills his nostrils. Dancer has lighted one. The same bloodydamn Pixie with his gaggle of girls flies by. Darrow makes a stiffled noise. Madness. This is madness.

"What will it take to take it back?" He recites dully from memory.

Dancer smiles, "Blood."

Darrow stares at that smile, fatherly, but hiding a fierce beast. He thinks of what this means, a second chance,or something else. Something damning. A gift? Or a lie hiding behind the farce of one?

"Eo was right. It takes violence." He takes Eo's headband out of his pocket, lost so long ago. He feels the weight of it. Of Eo's dream. Live for more. A burden he thought shed in the years following Virginia's coronation. Now again his task is to bear it and make it come true. He looks up into Dancer's bright eyes, and realizes that it's quiet inside his head. His mind is free of any pain, and when he speaks again, it's with the clearest sight he's had since crawling out of his grave.

"What is my mission?"

[floppy999]

My reading list (bkdk fanfics)

Here it is!  

All these fics were updated or finished on december. (Not particular order)

Swap it out ( Not Rated )

''Good morning, Deku.'' Katsuki said happily with a sweet smile.''Fuck off, Kacchan.'' Izuku responded in a bored tone, not even looking at the blond when he sat down in the seat in front of him.The whole class held their breath.''Holy shit.'' Koji finally said. In which Kaminari has an idea, Todoroki likes to spend his father's money and Izuku and Katsuki are up for the challenge. 

Off Limits (Explicit)

When his second rut hit, Katsuki was tempted to start reconsidering Izuku being off limits. It wouldn’t be too weird, right? It’s not like they were hanging out together on their off days. While screaming into a pillow in a fit of frustration instead of rubbing himself raw, it seemed like a great idea.Once his rut started tapering off, he threw away the idea again. -Then the third rut hit, and Katsuki was officially over this bullshit. 

Cross Off (Explicit)

“But are you two really friends?”

That sharp sting hit Izuku in the gut again, but as he opened his mouth to respond, Todoroki walked past him, heading towards the exit. The dual-haired teen cocked his head to the side as he shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Just think about it, Midoriya. We aren’t here to tell you what to do, but we do hope that you will take our concerns under consideration, and try to convince Aizawa-sensei that his decision is not right for you.” Iida removed his hands from Izuku’s shoulders, and followed suit with Todoroki, casting a brief nod in Izuku’s direction.

Hummingbird Heartbeat ( Explicit )

“The knife went through his fucking chest, Kirishima.” Katsuki spat his name into his face, mouth twisting into a vicious snarl, teeth and all. “You know that's where his heart is, right? And his fucking lungs? All the vital shit?” Kirishima blanched. “I-I know, I just meant—” “What, you mean to tell me that your stupid fuckin’ ass is so ignorant to forget that he lost a shit ton of blood, hah?! Yeah, it was a flippin’ knife wound, oh hoo-ray, but look at the nerd now! He’s fucking dying because of it!” 

In A Sky Of A Million Stars (Who Cares If One More Light Goes Out?)  ( Mature)

He could never forgive himself.It was his fault.He’d planted the idea like a seed he’d never known would grow. (Or: What if Izuku jumped?)(OR: The one where Izuku jumps and lives and Katsuki visits him every day and Class 1-A not-so-secretly finds it adorable that their designated angry pomeranian brings flowers to his comatose childhood friend.) 

Bad at Love ( Teen And Up Audiences )

Class 1-A is put to the test in one of U.A.'s classes and tests where they face a faux-villain they can't seem to win against. During the two-day fighting, Bakugou noticeably becomes more and more shaken by the faux-villain. Midoriya wants to help him and to become his good friend once again. Bakugou knows there is more than friendship in his own head but wants to keep Midoriya close, if only to keep him safe. But with jealousy, friendships, and their dreams on the line, they have to get even closer to help the other.

The Roads Between ( Mature )

In a world with disappearing quirks, Izuku, a government employee, and the recently captured Lord Explosion Murder are forced to team up in order to stop a coup of Japan by the League of Villains. More than just their lives are on the line and teamwork is the name of the game, but how can two people so seemily different from eachother ever hope to accomplish such a task? 

Crimson Concrete  ( Mature )

Bakugou Katsuki was pretty sure he had this vampire shit down to a tee. All he had to do was stay away from the sunlight, avoid churches and not have any attachments to humans? That was literally how Katsuki had lived his life up until now- it was the exact same, except, he supposed, with higher stakes (ha, get it?)“Hey dude, does this mean you can’t eat garlic bread anymore?”Oh.OH NO.

The Space Between (Mature)

Holding his expensive camera tightly between his hands, Midoriya Izuku looked up at the once-white letters displayed on the black storefront banner. “The Hard Luck Bar,” he murmured to himself, unsure if he was getting ready to enter or flee.

Amateur photographer Midoriya Izuku is stuck in a rut and desperate for a change of pace. Deep in his city's grimy underbelly, he finds exactly what he's looking for in the form of an underground punk sensation on the verge of their big break, fronted by a foul-mouthed firework of a human being. Loud, brash and passionate, Izuku may have just found the creative spark he needed, as well as something new to set his soul ablaze.

Cinnamon Bun Bun ( Explicit )

In a world with humanoid creatures called "pets", Katsuki Bakugou finds himself suddenly the owner of a timid curly haired rabbit. How the fuck did that happen? Will the reluctant new owner and abandoned pet be the best thing for each other or will it end in disaster? Only the tags will ever know.Warm and fuzzy fluff pet AU with hints of angst and humor! *This story is mostly about fluff. Warning and "past" tags for a backstory chapter(s) almost exclusively. Will warn at the beginning of ANY chapter with ANY sensitive issues.*

Stay with me, Midoriya  ( Mature )

An alternate "conclusion" of the battle when Midoriya saves Kota during the Summer Camp attack. Or, Midoriya is badly hurt and Bakugo is the only one who heard the scream for help. 

Restless ( Mature )

Second year at UA was essentially the same as the first, though everyone had fucking been developing and growing or some such asinine shit. And Katsuki was still reigning supreme. Things were fine up until shitty Deku had to derail everything with his fucking.....fucking. This year was gonna be hell for Katsuki. 

Swarm (Explicit)

General Izuku Midoriya, a rare omega cherry bee and Second in Command to Chief All Might's army, is left to run and defend Brambleberry Hive. he never expects a swarm of vicious hornets, led by alpha general Katsuki Bakugo, to ambush them and take over the hive. Bakugo takes his place as Chief Alpha, making Izuku his prisoner and slave. But Izuku refuses to let Bakugo control him and fights the alpha every chance he gets. He will have his revenge on Bakugo and regain control of Bramberry....

my ex-man brought his new boyfriend  ( Mature )

izuku's desperate to get a date after being persuaded (forced, more like) to go for a family reunion back in his hometown, in which he will most definitely see his ex, todoroki shouto, with a date of his own.in a last attempt to find someone, izuku asks for help and ends up getting bakugou katsuki.

The Hunting Party ( Explicit )

Izuku had gotten himself into many messes over the years. He’d once got stuck in the back of a restaurant after hours because he’d been too shy to ask someone to let him out of the staff bathroom he’d locked himself into.

Painting Flowers ( Teen And Up Audiences )

Where Bakugo Katsuki works at his parents' flower shop and Midoriya Izuku is a hot regular that simply comes to sketch flowers all day long.

BNHA: Hybrid A/O/B Works ( Works:6) (Explicit / mature)

You ever fantasize about Wolf Bakugou chasing down a sweet rabbit? Or the wacky shenanigans of trying to figure out his pet's heat problems? This is the series for you, mate, and I'm always happy to provide your dosage of pure nsfw. (With too much plot)

Say you love me ( Mature )

Izuku is going through his very first break up and suffering the whiplash affects of it. He discovers he’s got a new neighbor and his name is Katsuki. They’re not the best of neighbors in the beginning but by the end of the story they will be. But basically Izuku and Katsiki end up falling in love but don’t necessarily know that they both feel the same way about one another because they’re both very slow in the feelings department when it comes to other people. But with the help of Bakugous best and only friend, Eijiro, and a lot of prolonged effort shit happens.

Lovebites ( Explicit )

Katsuki Bakugou was going to hate this summer.He thought he'd hate it because he was being forced to leave home and work for his mother's friend in a small, seaside town. He thought he'd hate it cause he was being punished for burning his room to a crisp. He thought he'd hate it because he hated change.But it turns out, he hated the Supernatural Turfwar between four species that shouldn't exist but do a whole lot more....Or The one where Katsuki is forced to move in with Inko for the summer and finds himself falling for a particular bloodsucker....

Album Title in Progress ( Explicit )

Izuku's singing makes Katsuki realize sex is Real™ and uses those feelings to make a bomb-ass(lol get it? cuz his quirk is...) album while also helping a self-doubting Izuku realize how fire his mixtape is.

A Chaotic Reunion ( Teen And Up Audiences )

Even as a villain, Izuku Midoriya's admiration for Bakugo Katsuki never faltered, even when his admiration for all the heroes in the world did. After leaving his home to join the league, Bakugo Katsuki remains his one true reason to keep going on in such a pointless life. He never expected to meet him again, especially not in this kind of situation.

The Hardships of love ( Explicit )

Katsuki has always known just exactly what he wants, that just so happens to involve a certain green-eyed boy. How will he cope when what is his suddenly goes away, only to return years later? A/O/B universe, Alpha Katsuki, Omega Izuku,

Soul Bonded ( Explicit )

Izuku Midoriya had always been told he was a beta. So why did he find himself sneaking into Kacchan's room and taking old shirts? Why did his sweaty gym clothes smell so good all of a sudden? A story in which Bakugou and Midoriya are definitely not mates, no matter what Recovery Girl and Midnight say. And they definitely, DEFINITELY don't have feelings. Nope.

Iridescent ( Mature )

After Katsuki learned Izuku’s secret about One For All, he said that things would be different from now on. The two of them learn how to stand on equal grounds and be proper rivals, and that gradually leads them to evolve into something more – or, rather, they start to realize what was there all along. Because what’s left after all the bitterness and misunderstandings are gone? Positive feelings. By the time they reach their third year, they can’t go a day without seeing each other. Eventually, they start pining over one another. Katsuki secretly works through his insecurities in order to accept his feelings for his childhood friend, but it goes haywire once he realizes that he doesn’t know how to apologize for the wrongs he has done.

Stygian Fire ( Mature )

Izuku's Quirk manifest at the tender age of five. It's strange that he would have a fire Quirk given what his mother's Quirk is, but he chalks it up to genetics on his father's side. A week later, there's a (familiar) stranger in the kitchen, and everything changes.

i packed up everything except those memories ( General Audiences )

For a long moment, they all stare at him, wide-eyed and shocked.And then Bakugou laughs and leans forward to press his mouth to Midoriya’s. “I fucking love you, ya damn nerd.”Midoriya reddens, but kisses back enthusiastically, and his lips curve into a dazed smile when Bakugou pulls away. (or, Bakugou works at a bar and Midoriya is the nerd that keeps him company.)

The Art of Indifference ( Not Rated )

Bakugou is used to being the center of attention- be it anger, confussion, or fear (mostly fear) everyone always gives him a reaction.Until all the sudden, Deku doesn't.  What a fucking asshole.

Wild Child ( Explicit )

Imagine Tarzan, but KatsuDeku,with wolves instead of gorillas,and with a lot more smut.

The Kiss ( Teen And Up Audiences )

Katsuki has feelings but refuses to admit it; Izuku has feelings but refuses to act on them. And just when they finally begin to understand each other, that fucks everything up. Or: What if Katsuki kissed Izuku at the end of their fight?

Full Disclosure ( Explicit )

Izuku had never wanted to protect anything as much as he wanted to protect the fire between them, even as it caught fire and consumed him. He'd gladly go up in flames if it meant getting to see Kacchan like this. Or The alternate outcome of the battle at Ground Beta and the relationship that changed because of it.

When lust prevails  ( Explicit )

Bakugou and Midoriya got into a heated argument which led to heated interactions; main pairing BakuDeku, side pairing KiriKamiEpilogue update featuring jealous Bakugou, confused Midoriya, pragmatic Todoroki, and class 1a eavesdropping the drama :DThis story is officially completed :)

Sheep in wolves clothing ( Mature )

Don’t go into the woods at night. It’s a self explanatory warning but apparently not even passing near them in a vehicle is 100% safe. Especially not when all the news stations are warning of an unknown threat. Unluckily for Izuku it’s the only route home

You Found Me Flinching In The Dark ( Mature )

Or, Izuku remained quirkless, he became a hollow depressed kid that lives his last few years of high school in a mental ward. (Updates once a month)

Go to Bed, Dumbass ( Mature )

"What the fuck are you doing here at two in the morning?" The blond male asked in a voice that was closer to a growl as he curled the weight he was holding."I could ask you the same question," Izuku replied with a small smile as he headed for the bench press.

Never Easy ( Mature )

Bakugou and Midoriya have known each other forever but as the years drug on their relationship became complicated and the boys found themselves barely knowing each other. Things seem dim on them ever really being friends again but when Midoriya is caught in an awkward situation by Bakugou, things start to change, and both males seem skeptical about getting their hopes up. This does not start out Mature, but will have Mature parts. I will warn you and you can skip them if you like.

Grief Counseling ( explicit)

A slowburn fic where Kacchan tries to convince Deku to take advantage of the grief counseling provided for free to heroes experiencing their first failed rescues. Lots of flirting. Healing their relationship comes first. The romantic bit where they fall helplessly and stupidly in love comes after.

"Streetcar Named Desire" ( Explicit )

If yesterday someone told Izuku that he, one of the most diligent students with the top academic ranking, would end up in Principal Aizawa’s office today, he wouldn’t have believed them. But lots things could change overnight. So here he was, slouching in the creaking chair in the reception in front of the principal’s office. [the story about how Deku and Kacchan ended up taking part in a school's play and went through high school shit and ended up in love]

Unseemly Beasts ( Teen And Up Audiences )

Dragons. Destructive beasts tearing through everything in their path and deadly to anyone who opposes them. Midoriya has never seen a dragon, never planned to, but now he needs the help of one. He just... didn't want to kill one. Not if he could help it.

Rivals with Benefits ( Explicit )

When Izuku gets drunk at a Class 1A Halloween party he accidentally outs himself. Then to make matters worse he confesses to Katsuki that he wants to be a little more than rivals.

2,645 Miles ( Explicit )

Izuku wants so badly to get to the other side of the country without his parents realizing he's missing. He just wants to find out who he is.Katsuki is desperate to make it to Los Angeles without being caught by the police, desperate to fix his mistakes.Neither know what to expect, but on a roadtrip across the U.S. involving four fugitives, two oblivious runaways, a high risk crime ring, and a police taskforce, the two will discover that there's more in store for them than what they originally thought.

Dragon's Mark ( Mature )

Katsuki Bakugou has been living on his own for many years, accompanied by a very annoying red dragon named Kirishima. They are the last of their kind, unknown to humans. At least, that was how it used to be until a shy boy by the name of Izuku Midoriya enters the picture.

Breaking Point ( Mature )

“Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” 

[zdbztumble]

“Reverse/Rebirth” revisited

I’ve mentioned a few times now that, in this look back at the Kingdom Hearts series, I’ve finally come to like Riku as a character. That’s in part due to seeing everything in context again several years after my last play-through, but another thing that helped put things into perspective was a LP by YouTube’s Frustrated Jacob. He worded Riku’s story in a way I could finally grasp: that Riku sees himself, and is treated, as mature and trustworthy, but ultimately proves himself to be selfish, insecure, and childish, while Sora is a more childlike underdog who ultimately proves to be mature, responsible, and heroic. Riku does, of course, redeem himself after realizing to what end he’s being used for, and with the context straight in my head, I could finally appreciate that story on an emotional level, instead of conceding its technical merits but remaining cold to Riku himself.

Given all that, I was curious to see if my opinion on Reverse/Rebirth would change after playing though it again. As it turns out, it did change - for the worse.

My issues with the gameplay remain. I just couldn’t enjoy the card-based battle system without having the option to customize. Besides taking a lot of the fun away, it made troubleshooting against challenging bosses (which, I’ll admit, there aren’t many) more hassle than it needed to be. Riku’s lack of magic or summon abilities is another thing that just makes for a less fun game. The limited number of sleights available in Dark Mode gave some little bit of variety, but I so rarely needed to use Dark Mode that it wasn’t worth dragging out battles to build up the meter.

Riku does pack a lot of power in his attacks - that was the reason I hardly ever needed Dark Mode. This makes much of the game a cakewalk, even compared to the later stages of CoM proper, but the difficulty spike in the boss battles with Zexion and Ansem are ridiculous. The decks you get against them are pathetic, and their abilities are overwhelming. Having a real challenge was a nice change of pace at first, but the disparity is too great.

And I still can’t get over the way this game’s “worlds” are structured. My memory of this game was that Riku got all the same world cards as Sora, in reverse order (except for the last three floors), which would at least make some sense, tying into the “reverse” of the title. But they aren’t strictly in reverse order; some of the Disney worlds aren’t even in the same set. And Riku wasn’t in most of those worlds. There shouldn’t be any memory cards of those places for him. The game does acknowledge this, in a sense, by leaving out any Disney characters from these worlds. But that’s another problem with R/R: nothing happens for most of it. If the Disney worlds in CoM didn’t tie in to the larger story except in a thematic sense, they at least had self-contained plots that gave you something to follow. Riku just wanders through rooms here, to no aim.

Like with CoM, there was a missed opportunity to give the Disney worlds more connection to the plot. Riku was in Monstro, Neverland, and Hollow Bastion, after all, and spent most of KH I in Maleficent’s thrall. Having him deal with the memories of that - of his actions, of his alliance with a confederation of Disney villains - would have provided story material and illustrated his dilemma more effectively than cutscene after cutscene with blather about the darkness (and yes, I know this series is notorious for this - but even by KH standards, the word “darkness” is abused to all hell in this game. I’m not sure how they could have avoided that, given what Riku’s story is here, but it was still excessive). At the very least, Maleficent should have been a recurring character in Riku’s memories. Wasting her as the start-up boss is still an unfathomable decision to me.

Really, the lack of content is enough to make one wonder if this story warranted its own title. To call it the “B side” to Sora’s story in CoM suggests more than it can provide. If it had been cut down to just those three Disney worlds Riku actually visited, with more story content for them and cleaner writing for the larger story, the ten hours the game took (compared to just under 40 for CoM proper) might have felt worth it, instead of rushed and empty. But at that length, I would’ve just presented it as a bonus mini-game to be unlocked after a certain level of completion, not as a B-story you get to play no matter what.

As with CoM, I have to take issue with the villains here. I’m convinced now that his battle in this game is the only reason anyone remembered Zexion well enough to justify giving him a backstory, because there’s nothing else to his character, or to Lexeaus. I may not have liked the villains of CoM, but I can concede that Axel, Vexen, and Larxene are memorable (and no, I didn’t forget Marluxia - he’s off the memorable list for a reason XP). These two are devoid of even one major identifiable personality trait (and I would note that Zexion’s backstory hasn’t solved this problem). I suppose Zexion staging an elaborate illusion of Sora to torment Riku rather than killing him outright might qualify as sadism - if it were played as such, and if Larxene hadn’t claimed that territory, so that whole sequence doesn’t have a lot of foundation. Though I will concede that, prior to the realizing it made no sense, I found the impersonation of Sora an effective story beat that fed well into Riku’s fears.

Of course, the ultimate antagonist in R/R isn’t anyone from the Organization, but the darkness still within Riku, and the trace that “Ansem” left on him. Whether this Ansem is meant to be the real deal, or some residual trace or memory, I was never quite clear, but in any event, the solution to the conflict turns out to be that Riku chooses neither to reject the darkness nor succumb to it, but to straddle the line between light and dark, a trait unique to himself in this series. That’s been criticized as an idea, but I don’t object to it in principle, the same way I don’t reject efforts to move Star Wars beyond a black-and-white conception of the Force. But in execution, there’s a lot wrong with it.

1. With hindsight, we can see that it was never really followed up on. Darkness = evil in the first KH game, and that’s been true for the games that have followed R/R. For this idea to really work, it would’ve needed follow-up that it never got.

2. That this idea comes to Riku from Namine of all people feels extremely abrupt. Granted, if I were writing a story about someone learning that light and dark sides to their soul could co-exist extrapolated into a fantasy setting, I would want the revelation to feel abrupt at first glance, with hindsight showing seeding throughout the story. That seeding isn’t here, and Namine is an awkward choice to deliver the message to Riku given that they have no connection prior to this point in the story.

3. Namine’s line about how “no power can defeat [Riku]” makes no sense to me. He’s defeated throughout these games by light and dark powers. A lot of the wording of the dialogue on this plot point just seems designed to try and make Riku seem more special and marked by destiny. Of course, this ignores the element of the first game where Riku appearing to be the person suited to a great destiny was part of the problem.

4. On that note - as has been pointed out to me by @themattress​, Riku declaring himself unafraid and accepting of the darkness, and using it to ends he found right, was what led him down the path to possession in the first game. Now, I do think there’s reason to doubt his bravado in that scene in KH I; his pretense at maturity and confidence both fall pretty quickly when his jealousy and paranoia of Sora set in. But it is true that Riku accepts, embraces, and abuses the darkness in KH I, and what fears he does have aren’t tied to that. I still wouldn’t say I object to R/R trying to twist that idea around in principle, but just as it needed more follow-up to work properly, it needed more set-up than this game provided to work properly.

In a way, though, the biggest fault with this plot point is that it doesn’t really impact Riku’s behavior all that much. I’ve seen some critiques that praise Riku’s development in this game over Sora’s, and I can’t say I understand that. You can like Sora’s story in CoM or not, but he experiences a lot and undergoes dramatic changes over the course of that story. Riku here is pretty static. While I’m now fully on-board with his arc in KH I, I’m afraid I still find him rather bland here.

To be honest, the best bit of story content in R/R IMO isn’t even concerned with Riku; it’s a cutscene that expands on Sora’s story. It’s the scene I wanted in that story, where Namine calls herself “the shadow of Kairi” and explains how her messing with Sora’s memories of Kairi can’t truly erase them. When the best story beat in the B-story is an expansion on the A-plot, you know you have trouble.

And then there are the things about R/R that are just weird - turning Riku and Zexion into bloodhounds comes to mind. Has that whole “scent” business ever really come up sense?

So, that’s where I stand with R/R now: it’s unimpressive fare and wasted potential. Playing through it again has actually forced me to give some new credit to Dream Drop Distance. I still consider that game a worse story, and more damaging to the series overall, but there are two points I must concede to it: 

1. It handled two player characters much better than CoM and R/R did. Whether they were any good or not, the game gave Sora and Riku each stories to follow in the Disney worlds, enough content to fill out a full game, and tied them together in such a way that one didn’t feel like the superfluous B-side to the other.

2. I thought DDD was where the retconning of Sora and Riku’s friendship began, but it was here in R/R, with Riku describing Sora as someone who “always did as he pleased” and setting up the idea of he, Riku, being the responsible one. Granted, he’s being rather jokey when he says this, but accusing Sora of being the lazy one while he does all the work just rubs me the wrong way. When I thought that DDD was the one to introduce this change, I could at least credit it that such a retcon helped explain their dynamic in that game. But now I just can’t understand why they went down this road. Everyone who played the first game spent the first few levels on Destiny Islands, working on the raft as Sora. And Riku complaining about anyone else “doing as they please” at this point in the series, when we’re only one game removed from him plotting to run away and never come home (embracing the power of darkness to do so) while Sora took on the responsibility of being the Keyblade Master without protest is really pushing it.

Well, that’s that. No need to revisit that game for a long time. Now, on to KH II - the one I’m most interested in replaying. Will it hold up as well as KH I did? Only time will tell...

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FIC REC MASTERPOST

This is my ultimate fic recomendation masterpost. The pairings are always bucky barnes x reader. 

→ The ones who are nsfw will be marked as scuh.

→ Organized alphabetically.

→ All links open in a new tab.

365 Days by @abovethesmokestacks

NSFW|SFW

Summary: “You all know how it is, the one constant in this hellish life: you have a soulmate. No idea who it is, no clues whatsoever, only 25 years to find them. In 364 days, my time’s up. It sounds like a lot, but so does 25 years, and look where that got me. So, for better or for worse, I’ll try. I’ve got twelve months to find whoever my soul is knit together with.”

Animals Awaken by @221bshrlocked 

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Bucky forgets to take his supressants in time during a mission with you. You offer your help but he rejects, afraid that he’d hurt you because it’s his first rut since decades. And well, you know the rest.

Because You Want This by @sirenphrynne

NSFW|SFW

Summary: A hardcore/forced sex fic where the reader finds the Winter Soldier in her room.

Change Your Mind by @jamesbvck

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Senior Year: the last year to be a somebody or a nobody. A chance to fall in love, ace that final exam and make memories. After a terrible first impression, Bucky makes it his mission to fix the mistake he made with the new girl. Will they get their chance?

Call It Destiny by @scrumptious-delusion

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Your life changed forever when you discovered you had abilities. Others in your position may have called being able to see the future a gift, you saw it as a burden most days. Just when your life has finally reached a sense of normalcy, an image settles in your mind. You’ve had them before – you know that the only way to get rid of it is to confront it. But you want normal and anything to do with the Avengers compound cannot possibly be normal. However, you know you can’t ignore it. What follows is a whirlwind of events that even you couldn’t have seen coming – especially where Bucky is involved.

Call Out My Name by @bvcks

NSFW|SFW

Summary: At 18, you discovered your abilities. they were visions. they led you to people who weren’t meant to be found. however, the bad overpowers your greatness, and unveils the dark mysteries when bucky goes missing - and only you can find him.

Everything Has Changed by @buckyywiththegoodhair

NSFW|SFW

Summary: In which everything changes when you discover Bucky’s true feelings for you in a very unconventional manner.

Found Of The Classics by @thottybarnes

NSFW|SFW

Summary: When the sexual tension between you and Bucky is stifling, Natasha becomes her scheming, conniving self.

Fifty Shades Of Bucky by @captain-rogers-beard

NSFW|SFW

Summary: A series of sexual escapades where Bucky shows you what it’s like to give in to your deepest desires.

Heart & Soul by @all1e23

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Alphas only brought trouble. The only thing they are good for is bringing their Omega’s pain and forced submission. They were dangerous, reckless and cruel. There wasn’t an ounce of kindness in any of them. She didn’t need an Alpha and she certainly didn’t believe in that True Mates fairytale. That was just some fabricated fable Alphas made up to trick innocent doe-eyed Omegas. She wasn’t going to fall for that. Not again. No Alpha would ever get her to believe that love truly exists. And then, James Buchanan Barnes walked into her life.

If I Were You by @dani-si

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Your relationship is going through a bad phase. What happens when you and Bucky accidentally swap bodies?

Inevitable by @lovelynemesis

NSFW|SFW

Summary: A/B/O Dynamics. Reader is an Omega and Bucky an Alpha. Can you manage to not let the inevitable happen?   

Mind Games by @softhairbarnes

NSFW|SFW

Summary: You are a feared adversary of the Avengers, having crossed paths with them a few times before. When Bucky is brought back in for missions, he finds out the hard way how dangerous you really are.

Most Wanted by @sgtjbuccky   

NSFW|SFW

Summary: The life you dreamed of wasn’t the one you lived. Day in and day out you tried to change the outcome, but somehow you always ended up right where you began. Fed up with it all, you wished upon a star and was granted with Bucky Barnes, and it wouldn’t take you long to realize that whatever mess you were about to get tangled up in, it would change your life entirely. (Disney’s Tangled/Modern!AU)

My Neighbour's a Jerk by @jurassicbarnes 

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Modern-Day (AU) There’s this mutual feeling between you and your neighbor, called hate. And since your first meet you both commence that feeling with a burning passion. You don’t know the reason behind his hate and you know for damn sure that he will never tell you. But what happens on the first day of your job, when you find out that you even work together? Maybe you will learn to co-operate?

Retro by @the-canary

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Please, third times the charm, right? Because James Barnes is tired of failing at this thing called love. 

San Francisco by @petersshirts    

NSFW|SFW

Summary: People age until they’re 18 and then stop ageing until they meet their soulmate so they can grow old together; but what happens if you realise at 22 that you’ve been with the wrong guy for four years?

The Things We've Done by @pandalandalopalis

NSFW|SFW

Summary: All you wanted was simplicity. You had moved to Washington, DC for a better start - to get away from what you were, to get away from what you were expected to be. You never thought you’d meet the Captain America in a bar just three days after moving. You never thought there would be a dangerous person in your apartment just hours after meeting him. Beginning with the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Hydra sends its most deadly weapon after a powerful telepath untested in the range of her abilities. Intrigued by the broken pieces of his mind, the two of you make an agreement: he helps you hide from Hydra, and you repair and salvage what’s left of his memories.

The Fallout by @whitewolfbumble

NSFW|SFW

Summary: You had been a ghost for years, taking down the bad guys from the shadows that had once enslaved you. That is until the Avengers finally caught up with you and yet again your life changed. But your past won’t stay dead and everything starts to shift when a familiar face joins the ranks: Bucky Barnes. He may not remember you, but you certainly remember him.

The Cassandra Project by @apricotparker

NSFW|SFW

Summary: The Avengers find out what’s keeping them from doing their jobs. Bucky remembers an old friend.

Tripping For You by @bloodiedskirtts

NSFW|SFW

Summary: It’s Y/N’s sophmore year of college, and she’s never had a boyfriend before. But all that will change when her best friend Steve finds out about her crush on him. Determined to prove she doesn’t care for him, bad boy Bucky Barnes comes up with a genius plan. To prove she’s over Steve and he’s not “pussy whipped”.

You're My Mission by @shreddedparchment

NSFW|SFW

Summary: Hydra is not as dead as everyone thought. After losing both parents in one night, Captain America saves you and takes you to Wakanda where he introduces you to his best friend Bucky Barnes who is tasked with turning you into a strong soldier. Of course, just because he has to spend time with you, doesn’t mean he has to like you.

→ Last update: 20/October.