#I really became a shell of myself during the time we spent together

[yoojinluv]

[alwenabonjocsblog]

"The Senior High Experience: A Story to Tell"

My senior high school journey wasn't easy. On the first day of class, I didn't know many of my classmates except for my sibling who was in the same class as me. I was quite shy and didn't really talk much. As weeks passed by, I started making friends in our classroom. They would invite me to hang out, eat at the cafeteria, and go for walks. But I couldn't always join them, especially when they wanted to go to the beach because my parents were very strict.

It was challenging for me to fit in at first because I was quiet and reserved. However, as I got to know my classmates better, I felt more comfortable around them. They were friendly and inclusive, and they helped me come out of my shell. Even though I couldn't always join them for activities outside of school, I appreciated their friendship and support.

Despite the strict rules from my parents, I still managed to enjoy my high school experience. I focused on my studies and cherished the moments I spent with my classmates during breaks and after school. It was a journey filled with ups and downs, but it taught me valuable lessons about friendship, perseverance, and the importance of staying true to myself.

On July 4, 2023, we had one of the most memorable experiences. Even though our adviser got frustrated with us for not following her advices, and even though we lost in the cheerdance competition, we didn't lose hope because in the end, we were still the overall champions in HUMANISTA during our grade 11 year. Despite our adviser not caring about us anymore, which was Ms. Ann, it felt really good to see her happy when she saw what we achieved. It was evident in her joy that our hard work paid off, even though she was upset with us during that time. We won in Ms. P.E, the Volleyball Girls, the Volleyball Boys, and in Badminton.

That day taught us that even when things seem tough, we should never give up. Despite facing challenges and setbacks, we managed to come out on top. It showed us the importance of perseverance and teamwork. We realized that with determination and unity, we can overcome any obstacle that comes our way. It was a lesson we carried with us throughout our high school journey.

Looking back, that experience was a highlight of our high school life. It wasn't just about winning trophies; it was about the bond we formed as a team and the memories we created together. It taught us the value of resilience and the satisfaction that comes from achieving our goals despite the odds. It's a day we'll always cherish and remember fondly.

Now, in our grade 12 year, we had a contest for all grade 12 students in our Physical Education subject. Honestly, we didn't expect to win because we were still quite uncoordinated, and some of the boys in our class didn't know how to dance well. We started practicing early, in October last year, even though the dance competition wasn't until February this year. We thought by then, everyone should have learned the dance, but some of my male classmates were really stiff. That's why we decided to ask Neljean's husband, who was a good dancer, to choreograph for us. When we started practicing with him, we thought it would be easy, but he turned out to be very strict. He made all of us, including the girls, do push-ups. We kept making mistakes, especially the boys who were stubborn. But for me, his teaching style was okay as long as the boys improved.

As the competition approached, we almost convinced ourselves that it's okay to lose as long as we get a passing grade. But surprisingly, we didn't just pass; we became the HUMSS CHAMPION! We were grateful for our choreographer because without him, we wouldn't have succeeded, and we also want to thank our props team for their help.

This experience taught us that with determination and the right guidance, we can achieve more than we thought possible. It showed us the importance of teamwork and perseverance. Despite the challenges and doubts, we managed to come out on top, and it's a victory we'll always remember and cherish.

This is my Senior High School Journey 🤍

[f3ralblog]

Scope Creep

I once had a dream to unify Pittsburgh’s music scene.

Me and my friend group of twenty-something musicians were IN IT for a couple of years. We created a project called the Attic Music Group, which brought local, attention-deserving artists to a recording space we created at the house I used to live in (can you guess where in the house?!). We would gather whatever musicians were willing and able to create an arrangement of the artists’ music. We’d then film all of us performing together, where the artist was featured with a live band. Sometimes we even conducted live performances, well before the COVID-19 era of Zoom and Fortnite concerts. Online concerts were still happening then, but with nowhere near the attention and infrastructure that exists for them today.

The genre never mattered, by the way! We’d always figure a way to highlight the artists’ strengths, and give them some content to boot. Our goal with this was just visibility, but we worked diligently to make connections that could take a “local” artist and expand their reach. This meant we attended PR classes at local colleges, connected with A&R from the city, and reached out to the appropriate media/press.

And then, inevitably, our project fizzled out. Perhaps it was lack of interest. The core team started to split off into their own interests. Thus the Attic Music Project, in all of its lofty goals, fizzled out. Just a YouTube channel with some great music, great arrangements, beautiful lighting, and the memory of a hard-working [didn’t even mention this, but VOLUNTEER] creative staff.

We had taken the charge, like so many misguided young Pittsburghers and Pittsburgh-adjacent folks, to try and build the music industry infrastructure that we all agree is severely lacking in this town.

It didn’t pan out — Too much for us to handle.

I’ve now worked on a few big projects throughout my musical career. In the Attic’s wake, my band, Feralcat and the Wild, became my main creative priority. I began by getting the band together, learning the material, and releasing it in 2019. In 2020, we got asked to be a featured artist at SxSW, which sadly ended up getting cancelled because of growing concern over COVID-19. The band didn’t really want to shell out time and effort on an album during the pandemic, so I shifted gears to make something bigger, more ambitious and eventually more satisfying.

Thus came Disassembly, my ongoing video game musical endeavor that has me stressed to this day. I decided that I wanted to create a soundtrack to a video game that didn’t exist yet, meaning I would have to learn how to make one. Two and a half years after the first song of Disassembly was written, and I am still in the early stages of this particular project. It is, without a doubt, too much for me to handle.

I’ve always been a voracious learner, so the idea of learning “how to build my dream game” was exciting. I learned about video editing, digital design, game engines and coding. While I accept myself to be an amateur in all of these specialties, I am happy to continue growing. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t shoot myself in the foot by starting Disassembly with such high expectations.

The problem is a little project management concept called scope creep. As I learned more and more of what I didn’t know about game creation, I became overwhelmed. I burned out HARD.

Scope creep, generally, is when ideas get too big for your britches. In other words, you’ve bitten off more than you can chew with your project. With scope creep, the excitement for the end product is not enough to motivate you to do all of the work that’s in between. Without external motivators (i.e. deadlines), the intent behind the project slowly fades into a resentment and self-hatred. The project will likely be shelved, and you’re filled with regret and fixated on how much time you spent on something you’ll never finish.

I write this as a warning. I’m gifted with willpower, and a stoic need to be a polymath, but ultimately I should have started with a smaller project. I wish I had a solution, but my brain just goes “dream smaller.” Realistically, I should have begun with very basic game development projects to start to build a portfolio and the hard skills needed to complete the larger works.

I am finding my way through the messy loathing of it all, but pacing myself and setting realistic goals would have had me moving through Disassembly’s workload much faster. Small, achievable goals are KING.

[cybernaght]

The Rebel/叛逆者: A Review of Sorts

After being only semi-invested in the Rebel, I ended up getting so into it in the final weeks of its release, I’ve shelled out on IQIYI premium just to get the final couple of episodes a few days earlier.

That’s right kids, it’s a Review of Sorts. Unfortunately, I could not find a translation of the novella the drama is based on, so will be looking at it as a separate entity. 

Most of this post is spoiler-free, however I have dedicated a few paragraphs at the end of it to discussing the final episode, as there are a few specific things about it I wanted to mention. There is a clear spoiler warning before that part.

If you don’t want to risk it, TL;DR version of this review goes something like this: Rebel is very decent, and positively one of the best things that I have seen to come out of China since I’ve jumped into that particular rabbit hole. It’s pretty well written, it’s very beautifully dressed and shot, and the cast is killing it. I thought it dropped the ball a little in post production, and I did not always love the pacing. Other than that, it’s incredibly decent, and well worth watching, unless communist propaganda really irks you, in which case stay very well away. 

I have been having many conversations with @supernovasimplicity​ all the way through watching this drama, so there are likely to be some thoughts here that are influenced by those. 

The story centers around Lin Nansheng, a struggling servicemen in the Guomingdang party. He has a great analytical mind, and absolutely no emotional capacity for his job. He has trouble handling violence, he is impulsive, he cannot speak to his superiors without bursting into tears, and has nothing even remotely resembling a poker face. And that is what makes this drama as enjoyable as it is. 

I don’t think Lin Nansheng’s journey would have been nearly as exciting had he started it from a place of competence. He botches up everything he touches because his big brain switches off the moment his emotions kick in. And so, when you see him grow in confidence, learn to control himself, learn to fake his smiles and compliments, you can’t help but feel a strange sense of pride. It also makes Lin Nansheng very likeable as a character for reasons other than Zhu Yilong’s ability to look like a bush baby.

It did take me a while to feel fully engaged with his performance - not because there is anything lacking in it, but just because it’s hard to be truly surprised by his choices after the exposure I have given myself to his work. That said, at about a half-way point I got charmed by him anyway, and there were quite a few scenes that were truly mesmerising. There were scenes where he broke out of the familiar mould of big unguarded eyes and fluttering wet eyelashes, and tried something that was not pretty: every time to a great success. I am hoping to see more of that in his future work. 

I really wanted to like the female lead, Zhu Yizhen, but unfortunately both the way she was written and the way she was performed by Tong Yao left me somewhat cold. It did not help of course that the screenplay ended up sidelining her at every turn, leaving her with very little personal agency. She was set up so interestingly, but in the end her sole purpose became being someone for Lin Nansheng to pine over. It is particularly curious from a perspective of meta storytelling: seeing how this is all centered around superiority of communism, which as a whole was, arguably, ahead of its time in the matters of binary gender equality.

The ensemble cast of the drama is stunning. Wang Yang came very close to  stealing the show at several points as Chen Moqun, somehow managing to make his rather unlikeable character interesting. I can say the same thing about Zhu Zhu who absolutely shined as Lin Xinjie, showing an incredible range and imagination in her performance.

The overarching story of the show is engaging, with some incredibly suspenseful elements; every narrative arc including a nice progression through it. As spy thrillers go, it was fairly well plotted. You could if you go looking for a few things that did not pay off in a satisfying way (notably, the Chekhov’s cyanide capsule), but you overall the story really was well told for the most of it. 

I did, however, feel like the pacing started to fall apart in the last quarter of the drama. Last episode in particular really did feel rushed, not just due to its pace, but also in a way it failed to pay off the final mission in any visible way. There will be more on that in the spoiler section of this post.

Important to note that The Rebel is a show made in Communist China in the year 2021. It does not ideologically side-step from the path that was laid out for it by that fact. Which is to say, it is, undeniably, filled with propaganda. Communists are the good guys, and if you think a good guy (or gal) is not a communist, they probably secretly are. With one exception of a friendly character who is not a communist, and whose fate we actually never find out. Curious, that. 

The Rebel is not a kind of a show where censorship-appeasing scenes are shoehorned in. It’s a kind of a show in which the main theme is Sacrifice For the Party.

Aside from the being the moral vector of the show, Mao’s gentle teachings explicitly help get Ling Nansheng out of prolonged depression following his injury, and almost annoyingly, this sat incredibly well with the character, as he was written. Lin Nansheng is conceived as this naive idealist who wants to be on the front line, who needs validation and support of others. His - and I can’t believe I’m saying this - his being disillusioned in his beliefs and choosing to join a party which includes people whom he likes and trusts makes sense. Him finding this one thing that gives him hope and letting it propel him into gaining confidence and competence makes sense. 

In many ways, the Rebel is a story of Lin Nansheng’s failure to become an antagonist within the world of the drama.

I have honestly spent this past couple of weeks pondering whether being well written makes political propaganda better or worse, whether the subtlety of it makes it more or less palatable, whether it’s enough, as a viewer, to be aware of it to shrug it off. Ultimately, this is not something I could or should make moral judgements on, but I do believe that it’s possible to acknowledge the fact that propaganda exists in the drama, and still appreciate it for a good piece of television that it is. 

That said, I am very well aware that me being kind of okay with it stems entirely from my own removal from the culture this is made in, and I am, perhaps, lucky to even have a choice as to whether I want to engage with a product which is, undoubtably, here to dress political ideology in fancy clothes.

I have, on the other hand, also seen many things in Russian media of the “Annexation of Crimea is Good Actually” variety and those make me feel very unwell, so feeling somewhat at ease with blatant political propaganda in Chinese media makes me the biggest hypocrite.

But, I digress.

Before we go into some specific plot-related things, I would like to mention that the Rebel has this weird dichotomy in which the production is sublime, and the post-production… not so much. The show very well shot. Every element of it sits perfectly together, not a single prop out of place, not a single extra underdressed, not a page of script not put to good use. It’s lit to perfection. It’s scored beautifully. So much of this show is just stunning.

And then… there is post-production. 

This is not even about bad CGI (and the CGI is, indeed, bad), it’s just that most of post-production as a whole feels rushed.

Starting with surprisingly imperfect editing, which at times just fails to make the scene flow together. The final line of dialogue would be spoken within a scene, and it would fade to black instantly without a single breath to indicate a full stop. A montage sequence would be created, but every shot within it condensed to a second, making it feel incredibly fast-paced when the effect should be the opposite. There would be a cut away from a speaking character and to the same speaking character from a slightly different angle, making it dynamic without any reason to do so. There are a couple of truly startling jump-cuts.

I did not speed this gif up. This is part of a romantic montage, edited like it’s a goddamn action sequence.

And of course dear old friend slowing down footage shot at 24FPS. Please don’t do this. You think no one notices - but we do.

There are other tell-tale signs of production rushing to the finish line: occasional, but very noticeable ADR glitches, very sloppy job done at sound mixing, which contribute to parts of the show feeling ever so slightly off.

It’s not unforgivable, but it does make me wish the same amount of care and efforts that went into shooting this drama would also go into it after it was all in the can. 

Oh, and just because if you know me you know I have a professional fixation on fights, and I am happy to say most action scenes are toe-curlingly delightful. Hot damn those fights are good. I am absolutely in love with the shot below, for example. Placing an actor behind a piece of set so he can exchange places with the stunt double during a one shot is such an old trick, but the execution, timing and camerawork are just... flawless. This is what perfection looks like.

Now we got all that out of the way...

SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES FINALE BELOW

Here’s the thing. I wanted to love the ending and I found that I could not.

The final mission was presented as important, and honestly the scene in which Zhu Yizhen is sending the vital message out as Lin Nansheng holds his ground in hand to hand fight is incredibly dynamic. Party, this is due to the fight itself being incredibly well choreographed, yes, but it’s also where it sits within the narrative, how high the stakes are for everything surrounding it. 

But then, the tension all but bleeds out. The Important Message is sent, the fight is won, and we are treated to ten minutes of a very slow car chase, problem of which is not even its speed as much as its placing within the story. As in, by this point both of those operatives have lost their cover, and completed their Very Important Mission. It would be very sad if they died, but their survival does not technically contribute to their cause. Moreover, Zhu Yizhen getting mortally injured in order to protect Lin Nansheng as part of her mission read a little empty when the mission is technically over. 

While I personally found Lin Nansheng slow recuperation and his low key ending enjoyable, I think I would have preferred to have seen a more tangible pay-off to all the sacrifices made in the name of “bright communist future”, just a little more justification for every moment of death and despair we witnessed. I would have certainly at the very least preferred to see Wang Shi’an’s death on screen. Considering how many likeable characters martyred themselves on screen, denying us the death of the one antagonist just seemed cruel. 

I really did love the ambiguity of the final few scenes however, if we consider the children choir at the end a fantasy. The idea that Lin Nansheng will live out his life in this hope that Zhu Yizhen is still alive, imagining her just outside of his field of vision, his only joy being in this fantasy of her… now, that is incredibly strong. I equally like the idea of rest being promised to him at the end of his journey, and said rest being painful, and slow and unwelcome.

But it felt like as they chose not to to lean into the “sweet” part of the bitter-sweet tone of the ending and we’re unable not commit to the “bitter” part either, so it lands with a splat which is somewhat lacklustre. 

---

This concludes my thoughts on the Rebel. 

I am more or less out of Zhu Yilong’s filmography to watch, which is probably a good thing at this point. I have just emerged out of several back to back work projects - literally today - and will hopefully once more have time for things I grew to enjoy doing during the lockdown. 

Those things, if you have not guessed, include watching Chinese television and writing things about Chinese television. 

[goth-girlfriend]

okay, but mirio with a crush/friend that’s in 1a? like the reader is lowkey a bit more shy and quiet and everyone thinks their dating.

I SQUEALED, I LOVE IT 😭🥰

🤍🤍🤍💛💛💛💙💙💙💛💛💛🤍🤍🤍

The first you saw this boy, he was at the front of your class, smiling, and you made eye contact. Your eyes widened, and you forced your eyes closed gripping at your skirt and you ducked your head. The words leaving his mouth didn’t make it to you, but his laugh, it was more than enough to make you blush and avert your gaze to anything other than the boy in question. Now, being this way, wasn’t much different from how you usually acted. You completely collapsed on the sideline the moment his clothes fell off when he challenged your class, luckily your stoic friend to be questioned was there to help you stand up.

You didn’t dare approach the grounds where he took your class out one by one, you were amazed by his strength and the story he told you. Inspired really but, the shell you were in held you in tight and you weren’t exactly determined to break out, so like a starved man to a king crab, Mirio took a liking to your shy personality and wanted to help you the same way he’d helped his friend Amajiki. Slowly he approached you outside of class or in luck with a smile and wave, and sheepishly you’d wave and smiled with a whisper of a greeting back. It wants until one day you found him while taking out the trash.

*********

“Hey!” I screamed and fell back the bags of trash I was just hugging fell scattering on the floor as I struggled to breath normally looking at the wall to see the face or Mirio, “Sorry if I scared ya!” He stepped out I sighed.

“Oh, it’s fine,” I whispered looking down feeling heat spread to my cheeks I install felt vulnerable.

“Let me help you!” I watched as he picked up some of the bags I’d struggled to carry.

“Ah, thank you.” I nodded and stood up, he definitely still towered me, we walked in silence, I was a bit fidgety, until he spoke up.

“L/n?” I turned to see him staring at me already, I snapped my head away.

“Y-yeah?” I asked looking down at the floor.

“Let me walk you to class tomorrow, I’d like to get to know more about your quirk. You remind me of a friend and I think I know exactly how I can help you! But I don’t have much time so the morning are better if your free?” I blinked a few times, feeling the heat on my cheeks intenseify.

“I-uh,” you shook you head, “y-yeah, thatd be great.” You lied, honestly, you don’t how great this would be, Mirio Togata, a BOY, you struggled to talk to boys you didn’t like now him? Someone who you think you might fancy? ‘This is gonna be terrible if can’t get a word out!’

“Great! I’ll come by the dorms tomorrow and then we can head to breakfast!” He smield as we finally stoped and threw the bags into the large bins.

“Yeah,” I nodded with a smile, “I’ll see you then.”

“Don’t say bye now (l/n), I still have to walk you back to the dorms! What kind of hero would I be if I let a lady walk herself back in the dark.” He smiled brightly, and I felt like I should’ve shirked my eyes, the sun, he definitely shines brighter than the sun.

We made our way silently to the dorm buildings in silence, I fidgeted with my fingers and the hem of my skirt, I was dying both internally and externally. We stopped at the door and I sighed, and turned to Mirio, he smiled and I smiled, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING A THANK YOU AT LEAST DO IT NOW COWARD!

He turned to walk away and I screamed “Mirio!” He turned around a bir shocked looking, “Thank you for walking with me...” I whispered and could hardly manage to look up at him.

His face changed to a gentle smile, “No problem, I enjoyed our talk,” he gave a small wave, “I’ll see you in the morning (l/n).”

“Y/n,” I mumbled. “Hm?” He hummed, “Call me y/n.”

“Alright then y/n,” he faced me completely and tilted his head closing his eyes as he smiled, “I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning.”

I gave nod and a small awkward wave as he laughed and turned to leave, sadly I didn’t know I was being watched. I enetered and let out a heavy shaky breath, that was a lot of effort. I made it to my dorm door and was stopped by Minas Pink hand grabbing my wrist, “Tell me everything.”

***********

I got ready in the morning, having been kept up all night by Mina as she squeezed everything out of me, my feelings, what happened, what I was going to, what I was going to wear, I don’t exactly have much of choice considering it’s STILL a school uniform. I made my way down the building to the front door where Mina was standing with my bag.

“Don’t take your bag! Carry a book! If he’s a real gentleman he’ll offer to carry it! I’ll take your bag for you!” She shoved a my English book and notebook into my hands, I felt myself start to shake.

“Mina!” I whined, “It’s nothing! I promise!” I felt like crying.

“Just try it please! Entertain my ships, Kaminari isn’t doing to good with my plans pLEASE!” She begged.

“Okay,” I gave in quickly and took the books rushing out before she started crying.

I ran straight into Mirio, “so hard,” I mumbled feeling plastered against his chest. He hands touched my shoulder and moved me back a little, “Are you okay y/n?”

I flushed and looked down, “Oh! Yeah.” I mumbled, why did I say my first name yesterday?!

“Well let’s get going then!” We started to walk and it wasn’t long until it came, “Do you need help? You don’t look to comfortable carrying those!” He said and took my books befor I answered, “thank you, my bag, was... being held hostage so I ended up carrying my books this morning.”

He laughed and I smiled, “That’s a weird one.” I smield slightly feeling a bit comfortable.

The weeks passed slowly, every morning meeting with Mirio, he’d carry my books we’d eat breakfast and talk briefly about my quirk, and that lasted the first day, after that he just started talking to me the rest of the week telling me stories about himself during breakfast and the walk to class. I found myself smiling meow openly and being able to look at him, every now and then I still looked away and get flustered at just his bright smile. That wa sinful one day I bumped into someone while we walked to my class.

“Watch where your going idiot!” I stepped behind Mirio and held his hand with both of my knees weak and shaking.

“Mirio,” I whispered tears stinging my eyes as the guy got closer glaring at me as I moved further behind Mirio.

“Hey!” He smacked a hand on the shoulder of the guy, “We don’t wanna cause any trouble! I’m sorry my friend here bumped into you.” He smiled and the guy just scoffed.

“Whatever just make your girlfriend watches where she walks.” He turned and left and I sighed still squeezing his hand.

“Thanks Mirio.” I didn’t want to let go.

“No problem, now let’s get you to class, but you should watch where your going.” He said and brought his free hand to pay my head.

We got to class, my knees still a little weak, as he stood by the door, he waved at Midoriya and I didn’t let go of his hand, I clung, I couldn’t fight the feeling of comfort I got from holding his hand. He pulled me to the door, “Clas is starting soon you should get to your seat.”

He smiled and I nodded looking up at him, another cliche blush on my cheeks, “Right,” I nodded. “I’ll come by for lunch.” He called as he leaned into the classroom and disappeared. I felt the stares boring into me before Mina said it, “SO IS IT OFFICIAL?”

I tilted my head, “What?”

“You WERE HOLDING HIS HAND!” She shook me by the shoulders.

“It’s kinda obvious,” Denki shrugged in his seat, “What’s obvious?” I asked.

“That’s you two are dating dumbass.” My face went blank at Bakugo’s words.

“Dating?” I asked and looked at Mina, “YES!” She screamed.

“No, were not I j-” and class started.

***********

For the next two months I found myself being freed from the shell that held my captive, I smield more and laughed with Mirio, and my heart, always felt calm and content hearing his terribly cheesy jokes, but it didn’t change the fact that when it came to talking I was a mess, I couldn’t make eye contact and I speaking became more than just a chore.

But here we are, walking the trail behind the school around evening, “hey y/n, you’re a girl.”

“Mm, yes, I am.” I answered looking ahead at the sunset, “So how do girls like getting love confessions? In public? private? Letter? Out loud? Because there’s this girl, I didn’t know when, but I think I fell in love with her.” My heart sank, it’s probably Nejire... “We started off as friends, and I don’t know when but know when I talk to her it’s the highlight of my day, her smile, her laugh.” Definitely sounds like Nejire... “I don’t know how she does it but now I feel like if she leaves my life, it’ll be like the sun will never coming back up.”

“Oh, well,” I shrugged feeling a bit bitter, “Most girls like letters usually in private, something to keep, but honestly, even with the way I am, I’d love to get a vocal confession infront of someone, I feel like it shows their not afraid to say it or prove it.” I shrugged.

“Huh, that’s great advice,” he pat my head and smield, “I’ll keep that in mind.

***********

Another month passed and Mirio kept me company on the walks to school, class, lunch, breakfast, dorms and everywhere else he could squeeze in. The time we spent together started to add up and I can see why people thought we were dating especially my class that saw all of this happening, as this point I couldn’t deny it, I could but they wouldn’t believe me anyways. I sigehd day dreaming about what a love confession would feel coming from someone who genuinely meant it.

I tried to pay attention in class but I couldn’t, Midnight definitely caught on to this having called me out three times. Each time I was scolded and teased by Mina about day dreaming of my ‘boyfriend,’ sadly, I couldn’t say he was. I was deflated, defeated feeling when I watched him walk to my class with Nejire, beside him, “y/n! I hope you don’t mind Nejire is joining us!” He smield and I smield back feeling weak.

“No problem, the more the merrier right?” I lied.

We spent lunch eating, they talked and I just poked around at my food, I didn’t give much thought on the conversion until I noticed Mirio stepping into his chair and then the table. He smield and got everyone’s attention before he started, “I want everyone to know this!” He screamed.

“Right now, I’m about to tell the most beautiful girl in my eyes that I love her I want everyone to know that I’m not afraid or ashamed to do it!” He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, Nejire looked up at him stars in her eyes. I sulked looked down at my food, feeling a familiar sting in my nose.

“Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is think about your smile, and your laugh, you always seem full of life and I love that about you. The way fidget when your anxious and the way you cling to me when your anxious or nervous always make me feel like I could be so much better than hero. Our endless conversations and the time we’ve spent together never leave me. When I always feel like I’m at my lowest or to the point of defeat I remember your smile and encouraging words and I know I have so much more to fight for. I love the way you smile, the way your eyes shine when you let the passion flow. This might be embarrassing especially infront of everyone here but I wouldn’t do it any other way, I want everyone to know how much I love you, and care for you, so,” he paused, “Nejire,” I felt the tears drop and looked straight down, I heard Mina gasping and then curing along with a few recognizable mumbles from my class mates.

“Please move so I can’t get to y/n.” I got whiplash form how fast I looked up at him, he saw the tears in my eyes his face softened, he whispered a she jumped down, “y/n?” He took my face in his hands thumbs wiping the tears, “Will you be my girlfriend.”

I smield as tears feel and his eyes widened, “Mirio,” a shaky breath, “Id love to.” He smield and crushed me in a hug, I hugged his chest and felt him kiss the top of my head.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, “you can cry if you want to, I’ll be here for you always.” He rubbed my back and I just smiled against his chest letting the tears fall.

“I don’t know when I fell for you, but I know, I’d never change it.” He whispered.

“I love you,” I mumbled, “and your cheesy jokes.”

He laughed and I could feel smield as he squeezed a bit harder, “good because I never run out.”

💛💙💙🤍🤍💛💛💙💛💛🤍🤍💙💙💛

I hope you like it 🖤

[bangtanblurbs]

young forever

song: young forever by BTS

first experience: strangely enough i have a very visceral memory of when forever young dropped. it was during finals week of my final year in undergrad. the song released on a sunday in the wee hours (or perhaps a monday? - days tend to run together during finals week). i didn’t have many assignments due that year since my course load was light and i was really just coasting into grad school the year afterwards (at the same institution i attend for undergrad). i remember logging onto youtube and catching the video as it premiered. i was stunned. HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2 were heavenly to me, so of course young forever was greatly anticipated for me - the aesthetics, continuation of the story, and also simply getting new bangtan music. the cotton candy color pallet loaded onto my phone screen, and RM’s beautiful voice can through my earphones... i was immediately in love. 

every member looked completely stunning. the message i got from the video was... incredibly powerful. the maze. the lyrics. all of it resonated with me, a young woman -- 22 years old -- soon to turn another corner in life. i sat in my dorm room preparing for a busy week, as i was the RA in my dormitory and needed to help my students move out that week... as i prepared for my graduation and transition into my next step in life... i was also shipping out to macau, china for the summer in a few weeks so i geared up for that. this video dropping was almost a breath of fresh air from everything going on. i was able to really sit and enjoy it, but also reflect on my past, present, and the future to come. 

feelings: well, i have quite a lot. as someone who has been chronically obsessed with the story of peter pan since age seven, i’d say that youth is something i value - perhaps a bit too much. what’s interesting though is young forever isn’t necessarily about youth in the rawest sense... it’s also about dreams, reaching the point in your life where you’re happy, with yourself, your circumstances, ultimately your place in life. which i suppose most people equate that with youth, the innocence and naivety of it all. for me, thinking about forever young is kind of about that anxiety we carry as we get younger - have a made good use of my youth? did i squander it, getting caught up in the day to day or bogged down by my demons? the worry that our youth is our prime and when it’s gone, where do we go next? retire? it’s kind of funny thinking about this now as I’m 27 instead of 22. do i feel any older? no, not really - i feel the same. the same energy, the same zeal for life. do i look back on the days when i was younger and think that my youth is gone? no. for me - youth - it’s a state of mind. it’s an ethos, a way of proceeding forwards in my life. i didn’t always think this way - perhaps that was wrapped up in my anxiety about getting older. i used to lament my birthday each passing year - god turning 23 felt the absolute worst for some reason. it’s funny now though - how i almost feel younger, lighter, now than i did. youth should be a feeling of unburdened peace right? ideally it would seem so - but the reality in our world today... youth is pain. youth is struggling. youth is stumbling through the dark and trying to figure out who the hell you are, who the hell you want to be. i still feel like i’m stuck in that place, that place of wonder - of reaching out, exploring, experiencing... i feel as naïve as ever despite the pain that courses through some of my life. 

so back to young forever - how does the song make me feel? it makes me feel at home. at peace. forever we can carry our youth, forever we can approach our lives with childish curiosity, with the energy to follow our dreams, with a dedication to our passion, and an and endless realization that change is the only constant in our lives. despite the ups and downs that might come with living with this mindset - i wouldn’t want to live any other way. what’s the point of continuing to grind hard every day in the cruel systems our society has built if we can’t at least say we did it with voracious appetite to experience fully our surroundings, emotions, and imaginations?

personal connection: it’s rather hard for me to nail down all of my personal connections to young forever. as i mentioned, i have a really strong connection to the story of peter pan. i’ll briefly explain why and how that plays in here - but i must warn you... if you’re uncomfortable with strangers oversharing on the internet, perhaps this isn’t the blog for you to read. i’m quite comfortable bearing my soul to people i don’t know. for some reason vulnerability has never been something i’ve struggled with - perhaps it’s the naivety i love about myself. anyways... here we go.

when i was 17 my best friend passed away from cancer. it was relatively quick. just a summer we spent together gossiping in a hospital room, machines beeping while we tried our very best just to giggle about boys and lament our torturous IB courses. i’d known her nearly my whole life. meeting in second grade - and bonding quickly over a love for the whimsy of peter pan’s story. we’d gush on the playground about flying away to neverland - where we could do whatever we wanted. explore, sing, fly. but she was gone then. gone far too soon. frozen in a youthful state in my mind. her passing is still the hardest thing i’ve ever been through in my life, and i’ve been through some scary shit. immediately when i hard young forever i thought about her. i thought about how she lived. she was fearless. the bravest and strongest person i ever knew, and still to this day, have ever known. knowing her - experiencing her soul - it changed me. once she passed away i had to be strong, my classmates looked to me as their rock, my parents forbid me to cry, everyone pushed me into adulthood way too quickly. i was just a seventeen year old girl. i was having a crisis - i wanted nothing more than to speak to my best friend as i navigated choosing my next steps after high school. but she wasn’t there, and i wasn’t allowed to feel. i was terrified. my youth was gone. nothing seemed fun anymore. youth became pain as i looked around at my peers who were back to normal in a matter of weeks. giggling with one another, moving along with life. i became a robot. quickly i threw myself into school work. i was already a high achieving student but i climbed higher. i worked harder. i had decided that for the life she couldn’t live, i would live it for her. i’d go to the best college i could, i’d do all the things i never dreamed i could. i’d do it for her. but i wasn’t living. i had let my youth go. i was fading away. just a shell. 

it’s funny. or perhaps it’s not. young forever is a comfort song. a comfort song with some incredible darkness in it. the anxiety in namjoon’s verse, yoongi’s speaking to hiding feelings - pushing forward despite what he carries, hoseok’s verse about letting himself go and just giving what he has to keep pushing. their words - that’s how i felt. the song dropped around four years after my friend’s passing. i needed it before then. although perhaps it wouldn’t have “saved me” because music doesn’t save, music gives us the strength and comfort we need to save ourselves (i’m not a fan of taking way my own agency in MY story), it might have offered me a light in an increasingly blurry world. 

a year prior to the song’s release i’d spent a summer in china. my life changed there. i lived with seven incredibly bright middle school girls. that experience, i never thought it would start to heal me the way it did. they were under immense pressure (the education system in china is total bullshit)... and they told me “caroline, youth is pain. it’s not beautiful. it’s a period where we struggle the most.” i’d never heard this. the typical western perspective is that youth is “the most beautiful part of life” - it’s where you fall in love, it’s where you get hurt and you pick yourself up, it’s where you find yourself, you feel invincible. but that’s just it - it’s also where you can get incredibly lost (like the maze in the video). not all of us experience youth without pain. this perspective helped me to heal. i wasn’t so alone - i wasn’t squandering my youth, sure - i was treading water - but that was okay. i could cry. i could feel. and so, at this point i began to write my own story again. rather than living for someone else, i decided to throw the book out the window, to pick myself and run like hell towards what i wanted. to accept the freefall of life. that’s youth. that’s the most beautiful part of life. the part where you free yourself from whatever chains society has on you. youth is only associated with being a child because that who should be the most free. when truly youth, youth is that period in your life when you learn to live for yourself, your dreams. dream, hope, keep going. don’t fucking stop.

so this brings us to 2016. i was weeks away from a new journey abroad when young forever dropped. i was doing better. life felt lighter. i still had a long way to go, but some things i’d gotten right. i gained confidence, i navigated my interpersonal relationships with more poise. etc etc. going to china the second time, it changed me more. i did things on my own i’d never dreamed of doing. crossing multiple national borders, making friends with people i couldn’t communicate with. i opened my heart to it all. and i fell in love with myself. for the first time. i fell in love with how completely i embraced my freedom and coupled it with my drive, my passions. that is what young forever is about. it’s about the struggle but the continued commitment to the state of mind that once you’re free - once you embraced that childlike state of being - you can achieve so much happiness. 

which brings us to now - how do i connect to the song now? much in the same way that i did before. carrying these emotions connected to this song so deeply into adulthood has been incredibly touching. i’ve matured with bangtan. from 2015 to now. i’ve only grown in how i embrace my youth. sure, i have to conform at times, play the adult, but the motto “dream, hope, keep going.” that’s what i live by. nothing can change that for me now. i’m still fucking lost, but i’m running like hell. i have my setbacks, my demons, my challenges, but i’ve never been so fucking free. that’s young forever for me. thank you for reading my story. 

song breakdown:

musically: something i truly love about young forever is that it’s really atypical in how it flows musically and the entire structure of the song. it’s creativity run wild - it’s a story and build. and i love that. it starts off slow, soft, with a sweet sadness. the highlight isn’t the backing track, it’s the honey rap voices. it’s absolutely perfect. understated and building. with each new voice that comes in the beat speeds up. it’s like running. which is fitting. because the story in the song is that of bangtan. the lyrics say it, the boys are worried - worried about how well they’ve done, when they’ll stop gaining success, concerned that all of this life will end, wondering who they are in this - the performance the journey. they are quite literally running towards their dreams. we see this in the song lyrically. 

once the chorus comes, we need an increased speed in the beat and the song picks up with the chanting of the mantra. “forever, we are young.” us together, bangtan and ARMY. the song fades into the beautiful clapping beat, the refrains of dream, hope, keep going. musically the song is beautifully understated in a way that can only draw out the listeners’ emotions and highlight the charged encouraging lyrics. the story here is clear and only more illuminated by the musical choices. 

vocally: young forever is such a treat. it’s a rap heavy song, but not in a way that takes away from the beautiful second half of the song which is full of beautiful vocal line refrains and ad libs. it’s a chant song. a comfort song. and perhaps that’s why it’s stuck with me for all these years as one of my ultimate favorite BTS songs. 

when the song begins we are greet by namjoon’s beautiful low rap register. he delivers the rap melodically slow. you can appreciate the way his voice carries emotion and the tempo of the beginning story, of the emotional journey the song embarks upon. following namjoon’s beautiful voice is yoongi. who assumes a slower rap style initially. he has a few parts where he treats us to shout rapping as well - which give us kind of a pleading emotion - we can hear his lament for the pressure placed upon him as he stands in the spotlight. finally, rapline is rounded out by hoseok - i’m gonna say it - this is one of hoseok’s best slow verses. he offers his usual spicy tone, giving the trap style endings to each line. the emotion hits it’s peak with the punch tones and hoseok’s strong committment to his lines expressing his desires, his drive. 

the second half of the song is dominated by the beautiful tones of vocal line. taehyung leads us into the chorus with his beautiful deep register, followed by jungkook’s high tones. the juxtaposition of their voices coupled by jin and backed by jimin’s beautiful melodies is absolutely stunning. rapline takes turns coming in with the refrain “dream, hope, keep going.” all of this mixed together is simply stunning. it’s like hope in vocal form. we have the low and the highs, the singing voices and the speaking refrains. most devastatingly is jimin’s forever ever ever - piercing the background of the song. highlighting the longing - the conviction - to youth - the spirit of it, the beauty of it. the chant portion of the song is also what makes this song so devastating to hear live. everyone comes in, blends together and makes the message resonate completely. 

lyrically: here. we. go. a DEEP DIVE. i think firstly, it’s important to start with the fact that we have a song, young forever, that was released as the epilogue to two devastating HYYH albums. HYYH was the epitome of youth themed albums. it encapsulated everything we associate typically with youth. love songs, songs about pain, songs about healing, songs about not being enough, songs about our dreams, songs about being lonely... it’s all there. both the beauty of youth and the beautiful pain of youth dominate HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. then, those messages, those themes, were sealed with epilogue: young forever. why? well, my feeling is this is bangtan’s way of leaving us with the reality that youth isn’t something that’s fleeting. it’s not an age or state in time. it’s something we carry within. it’s how we approach the things we confront in our lives, how we live and move forward through adversity towards our passions and dreams. 

now - with that out of the way it’s time to dissect some lyrics. there’s quite a lot here in the three rap verses so i truly hope to do them justice. 

namjoon’s verse starts like a story, “the curtain falls” the end of a performance, often used as metaphor for the end of a certain point in one’s life. “the curtain falls and i’m out of breath / i get mixed feelings as i breathe out” clearly the chapter that’s closing for him has been an exhausting one, but he’s not sure about moving forward even though now he has the time to finally reflect and see what he wants next. to me, this speaks directly to where bangtan was at this point in their career. they’d been through the bullshit - the trainee days, the ridicule, the exclusion from the typical korean music system... they’d made it. I NEED U had one awards, RUN did as well, 2016 bangtan had begun to see the fruit of their labor pay off - but with that, what’s next. where do they climb next? what’s to come? there’s that feeling of unease for namjoon. “did I make any mistakes today? / how did the audience seem?” are the next lines, bringing in that sense of reflection. even though now he can breathe - he worries, what’s his impact, how do people feel about what he’s given them, did he have shortcomings? these thoughts flood in and set the mood for the next steps forward. these questions only become more as the pressure continues. the next and final three lines of namjoon’s verse group well together and offer us much more hope that the foreboding in the start of the verse: “i’m happy with who i’ve become / that i can make someone scream with joy / still excited from the performance.” the peace in these final lines, it’s kind of like the rest of the song - starting with the hardship, the unease, what must or has been overcome - mellowing out to realization that things will keep going on. namjoon is at peace with where is at the end of this chapter, he is glad he can stand on this stage bringing smiles to faces, and finally - the buzz of just being able to do music, that remains with him through all of the constant pressure. something about these lines, they’re beautiful.

just like that, yoongi’s verse begins. he provides the same metaphor to the listener. he is standing on an empty stage. the performance is over. the chapter is closing. HYYH is becoming the past for BTS. the struggles, will they be over too as they move forward with their progressing careers? “i stand on the empty stage while holding onto an aftertaste that will not linger for long” he begins - he knows that the high of this moment, the place they’ve reached in this time... it can’t be forever, the emotions of it all are beginning to fade into something else. he then moves on to offer some more insight into how he feels about that unknown of moving on: “while standing on this empty stage, i become afraid of this unpleasant emptiness.” this line seems telling to me - yoongi is someone that gets a lot from recognition, achievement, sharing his works with others. leaving the stage, moving away from this performance moment... it’s hard on him... he feels empty, his moment, his purpose - they’re over... at least for now. the anxiety seeps in. “within my suffocating feelings / on top of my life’s line” he starts to try and explain deeper his emotions, suffocation, a feeling of panic, likely anxiety or pressure induced. what’s next? will it demand more? he’s on top of his life’s line - he feels like he’s reaching his peak, not knowing where to go next, plateau? down? yoongi then lodges into almost a picture perfect description of what society can make us do in moments of pressure where we are feeling anxiety or panic - “without a reason, i forcibly act that i am fine / this isn’t the first time, i better get used to it” he’s going to put on a strong face, suppress how he really feels because at some point there could be another audience, he remains on the stage even if the curtains have closed. he forces himself to do so, and it’s a habitual thing for him. it sounds like truly this is habitual for yoongi - really needing to mask his fear, his panic, his anxiety for the sake of those watching. it tears me up, because it seems like he also knows that this will continue in his future. and the he realizes that keeping the mask on, it’s not something he’s able to do or perhaps interested in doing “i try to hide it, but i can’t.” the final lines of his verse leave us with some unease - they’re unclear - but perhaps they’re speaking to the fact that performing won’t be his forever... “when the heat of the show cools down / i leave the empty seats behind,” so at some point -- the excitement, the hype, it will be gone... those who want to see him, they’ll be gone too, and he’ll move on to what is next. or perhaps this could allude to the fact that the pressure of those watching goes away and he will finally feel comfortable? there’s a lot here. a lot left up and open.

and finally we round out rapline with hoseok’s verse - which leads us into the chorus and refrains. the first three lines of hoseok’s part go hand in hand with one another - they’re a natural progress of coping with one’s emotions and situation: “trying to comfort myself / i tell myself the world can’t be perfect / i start to let myself go.” the chapter is closing and hoseok is trying to tell himself, it’ll be okay. almost like listening to the song young forever - seeking comfort. a home. realizing that things aren’t always going to go his way, he can’t have this moment forever, and sometimes things are going to be ups and downs... the final line is perhaps the most startling, letting oneself go. realizing that there’s some pieces of yourself that are okay to let go, whatever is holding you back, keeping you stuck, sometimes we need to shed that to go forward with the youthful exploration that keeps life invigorating and exciting. or perhaps hoseok is thinking about the day in which he will let “j-hope” go and just be hoseok, without a stage in the traditional sense. “the thundering applause, i can’t own it forever” he moves on saying that this life won’t be his forever, at some point he will need to move on - realize that this moment is down, lose himself to it, and see what is next. yet - even with this knowledge hoseok continues “i tell myself, so shameless / raise your voice higher” it seems that there’s a conflict he’s facing - letting this moment go or screaming as loud as he can to hold onto it, and shamelessly so - letting go of all the constructed norms for how he should behave. perhaps, holding onto his YOUTH even as he grows older in age and should grow away from a youthful mentality. he is raising his voice and hopefully pushing forwards, perhaps just away from this stage and onto an even larger one. it seems this is the case “even if the attention isn’t forever, i’ll keep singing” he states. he will hold onto his passion, keep moving forwards with his music, his voice, his connection to whatever it is that wants to be connected to him - because this is his very soul and being. finally - hoseok closes out his verse “as today’s me, i want eternity / forever, i want to be young.” it seems that hoseok is choosing to be who he is at this moment, his youthful self, as long as he goes on. he will leave this version of himself, this beautiful, loving, hopeful version of himself as his mark on the earth for eternity. 

moving into the chorus we have the iconic title line “forever we are young” which to me, it’s about taking youth forward with you in all that you do. taking your passion, your drive, your love, your hope -- pouring it into all that you do and not letting the outside spoil you and take that from you. keeping your passions and running towards them. that’s the core of the message in young forever. 

jungkook then croons “under the flower petals raining down / i run, so lost in this maze” bringing us to think about how seasons change - flower petals can fall because of their abundance but also because they we are moving into winter. either way, the analogy of flowers is hopeful to me. blossoms on trees - the return in time. not the same blossoms, but just as beautiful as the previous ones. perhaps he’s speaking to the fact that the blossoms are falling now as the chapter is ending - which leads into the feeling of lost, of being in a maze... but the reality is, the flowers will come again. the can come again. so long as they keep running - there’s a chance for this beautiful moment to happen once again. that’s youth. perhaps you have your ups and downs, your moments in the sun (your spring days) and your cold days... but keep running, keep your energy, dream, hope, keep going. and you can return. 

jin then offers the other refrain “even when i fall and hurt myself / i endlessly run toward my dream.” THIS is youth. this is it. that almost stupid attitude of not recognizing when you’re down and out... not recognizing when perhaps you should stop. turning up the energy at your weakest point even when authority is telling you to let it go. this is the essence of youthful hope and energy. even if they’ve failed, even at their lowest point, they’re cementing that they won’t stop until they achieve their dreams. once again. dream. hope. keep going. just keep fucking going. 

finally the other refrain that is repeated throughout the chorus: dream. hope. forward. forward. is the direct translation. but, many would say it’s dream. hope. keep going. this is youth. our dreams, childish and pure. our hope, what we pour into ourselves, what we surround ourselves with - the light that keeps us going. and then constantly moving forward continuing even when our odds look bad. this shit resonates. bangtan did it. they dreamed, 7 boys at a small company. they hoped, holding onto one another, working hard, baby steps forward. they kept going. no matter the ridicule, the setbacks, they pushed forward. these words - they mean the world to me as i’ve pushed through shit in my life. i’m only where i am today because i, by some miracle, internalized this youthful mantra. allowing myself to dream, those moments of hope, pushing forward no matter what. that’s youth. that’s young forever. 

performance: well this is shaping up to be quite a long post. i want to discuss both the MV and how live performances typically proceed. i’ve also attached to this post my personal video of young forever at the HYYH: the epilogue tour in macau. sorry for my screaming in advance. 

MV: the MV is really interesting for the HYYH universe, although the same could be said for save me, which is technically in the universe... BUT the fact that the MV steps away from the storylines and almost takes us into the minds of the characters bangtan is playing is an interesting choice. we start off the video with the boys in a chain-linked fence maze, wandering around, and flashbacks for each of there characters. the overall aesthetic of the video fits with the lyrics and these feelings of uncertainty... the feeling of being lost... wandering from phase to phase in life. early on we see a scene of yoongi burning photos from the HYYH era - truly this song is about death to the past a new beginnings, overcoming the past but moving forward with the pieces of you that are important. the highlighting of the text “꿈 희망 전진 전진” or dream, hope, keep going - making it the mantra of the song. keep moving, keep running. almost it seems like the characters are running away from their demons as well. the members running off into the sunset together? it’s all about endings. new beginnings. but taking them on with determination and an attitude of childlike awe, glee, dreams, and determination. 

performance: we’ve all seen the iconic wembley performance. we’ve probably all cried over it more than once. maybe it’s your comfort video? maybe it’s secretly mine (ha!). i can tell you, experiencing this song live... there’s really nothing like it. it’s understated. there’s no dance. nothing like that. 

in the performances - namjoon appears alone in a starlight stage with the lyrics scrawling on a screen behind him. the lights are all dark, deep blue tones everywhere, it feels dreamy. the entire crowd is brought into a dream like state. it’s fitting, its absolutely fitting and incredibly stunning. yoongi then appears to namjoon’s left and hoseok to his right to be spotlighted for their respective verses. the emotion is everywhere. the song is even more incredible with a live band. you cannot imagine it. the chorus arrives with a change in vibe, a beautiful sunset is projected and the vocal line appears from the floor. all of the members stand shoulder to shoulder and belt the chorus and refrain. and you would not believe how devastatingly beautiful it is to hear ARMY shouting along. forever we are young. kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin. shouting together. again and again. clapping with one another. waving ARMY bombs. it’s completely emotional. i cried. i cried on the strangers next to me, that didn’t speak my language. there is nothing like it. 

i must also note, the concert i was at we were all distributed lightsticks and banners with 꿈 희망 전진 전진 written on them. this song has been important since it released. it’s the core of bangtan’s rise. it is so important to these boys. and to many of us fans as well.

now - a word about what happened at wembley. bangtan had no idea that ARMY would sing young forever TO them. at WEMBLEY. fans who likely do not speak korean. chanting their mantra to them “kkum, huimang, jeonjin, jeonjin” and singing “foreverrrrr we are younnnnng” and saying they will keep going. they will walk their journey towards their dreams. something about that, it’s incredibly toughing. you and i cannot imagine how that must have felt for bangtan. the moment must have been completely surreal. one of the world’s largest stages, playing one of the most meaningful songs of their careers - a song meant to memorialize their climb to fame, their accomplishments, their youth that they likely felt the LOST during this climb to where they are now. jimin himself said that night “this song. wow. this song helped me a lot when things were really hard.” young forever means so very much to bangtan. it always has. and their fans chose that very song. we chose that song (rather we were there or not). it’s our mantra too. whatever we go through, we are on this journey, and we are not alone. we are not alone. we can muster the strength to carry on with that same youthful zeal for life. watching that video... it’s moving. it’s completely incredible. to be a part of this journey... just wow. 

tl;dr: in conclusion... young forever is one of the BTS songs that has the most touching meanings, and it came at a very delicate time in their career. a time when they were finally getting the recognition they deserved and sought for a long time. a time when they were pivoting from “young” to “young adult.” a time when they likely struggled with a loss of their youth. all of this... it’s powerful because it’s not alien for those of us normal people. we all feel this. i’ve felt it as i’ve gone through tough shit and came out the other side changed, only to have to find my way through the maze and back to myself. youth and being young, it’s a state of mind. i think bangtan sincerely know and believe this. that’s what makes the song and the message it carries so incredibly powerful. so meaningful to us all. thanks for reading yet again. 

[pagingevilspawn]

Could you please write a fic like the continuation of you said you would grow old with me that their child is born and jo tells their child about alex ?

wishin’ you were sitting here, right next to me

okay, this is being posted right at midnight (lets pretend) , happy new year! i’ll fix it later lol.

this is like a part two to ‘you said you’d grow old with me’. so if you haven’t read that one already, you can read it here! 

Twelve year old Bree Karev sat on her bed in her room, confused, and even a little bit mad. Today marked yet another failed attempt to set her mom up on a date. Ever since she was eight, Bree had been trying to push guys toward her mom. It was never hard for her to convince men, one look at Jo and they’d be gone, but her mom politely declined. Every. Single Time.

Bree was a hopeless romantic. One that believed in happily ever afters and love at first sight. She knew that her mom was still in love with her dad, that she always would be, but it had been nearly thirteen years since his death. She just wanted her mom to be happy, and what better way to be happy than have someone to laugh with and smile until your cheeks hurt?

Never once had she seen her mom with a man that wasn’t a friend. No boyfriends, and as far as she knew, any potential one-night stands would’ve occurred when she was out of the house, so who knows if she even had any of those.

The girl is broken from her thoughts when she feels a soft knock on her door, looking up to see her mom in her doorway, a small smile on her face. “Get ready for bed, you have school tomorrow.” Jo says, about to turn around when her daughter’s voice stops her.

“Wait,” she says, looking at her mom with implying eyes. “Why do you always say no?” she asks.

Jo looks at her daughter, her small smile dropping from her face. Truthfully, she had fully forgotten about her daughter’s little set up from a few hours before, more focused on spending time with Bree than her attempts to meddle with her love life.

“I know you still love him, I do too. But, it’s been so long.” Bree says, not noticing how Jo’s eyes grow sad, too focused on picking at the skin near her fingernails.

Jo sighs, making her way over to her daughter’s bed and sitting down next to her, ruffling the grey and white floral comforter underneath them, which matched the rest of the bedroom’s decor.

“Why don’t you want to move on?” the girl asks.

Jo lets out a loud sigh. It was time Bree learned their story. Their crazy, messed up, love story that was like something out of a soap opera. She’d been putting it off for years, waiting until Bree was older, more mature. She would’ve preferably waited until she was sixteen, but she knew her (not-so-little) little girl was getting frustrated. Jo knew that Bree’s intentions were pure every time she tried to set her up. It wasn;t because she felt she didn’t have a father figure, it was something she wanted to do just for her mom.

The mom purses her lips, prepared to let the words flow out of her mouth. Right now, she wouldn’t let her brain filter through what she was going to say. She wasn’t going to hold back. Bree deserved that.

“Your dad taught me what love was- no, showed me what love was, real love.” she feels Bree’s eyes on her. Telling her daughter about her past was something that was terrifying her to her core. It was something she would’ve liked to keep secret, but knew that that couldn’t be the case.  

Jo lets out a shaky breath. “I was twenty-two when I met Paul Stadler.” she starts, not needing to look over to know that her daughter’s eyes were wide. Her mom wasn’t one to talk about ex’s. Granted, Jo didn’t really have many.

“He was charming, funny, kind,” Jo huffs, taking her daughter’s hand in hers and rubbing her thumb against the back of it. It didn’t matter how many years passed, Paul and memories of what had been would always haunt her. While she was pregnant with Bree, her nightmares had started back up again. It wasn’t until a while later when she realized the only reason she stopped having them for all those years was because she had Alex holding her while she slept, when she felt completely safe. They had dialed down over the years, but occasionally she would wake up in cold sweats, her dreams feeling too close to reality.

“I thought he was Prince Charming, coming in and sweeping Cinderella off her feet,” she says honestly, feeling sorry for the girl she used to be. She stopped cursing herself for those years a long time ago. It wasn’t her fault what happened to her. It took years of therapy, but she knew that now. She was a survivor, not a victim. She saw what everyone else did in Paul, what he wanted to show.

“He was every girl’s dream. He seemed perfect. And that first year, he was.” She looks over at her daughter, her eyes glossed over. “So, when he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him-” Jo swallows roughly, squeezing Bree’s hand, “I said yes.”  

The girl was shocked to say the least. Her mom had been married previously? Why had she never heard that before? Her mom was fairly open about her life, so why hadn’t she heard about her mom’s first husband?  

Jo sighs, “After our wedding, Paul… changed,” she settles on, feeling Bree’s curious eyes on her. She really wished they were having this conversation when she was older. Bree was smart, mature, more so than other kids her age, but Jo still wanted to protect her from the world.  

How was she supposed to tell her that monsters didn't live under the bed, but rather slept beside you every night?

“He was angrier, the Paul I had gotten to know fading away quicker than I could even realize it.” she squeezes Bree’s hand again, giving her the strength she needed. “About two months after we got married, everything shifted.” Jo knew that she wouldn't go into detail. No matter how strong her little girl was, no daughter needed to hear about the abuse their mother suffered.  

Bree sat frozen on her bed, not knowing what to say.

“For three years, I was in a relationship that made me loose who I was. I was unrecognizable, he controlled everything. To say i was a shell of my former self is an understatement. I spent years trying to tell myself that he would go back to the man I fell in love with if I did what he wanted, if I did everything perfectly. It took me three years to figure out the man I fell in love with didn’t exist, it was all just a facade.

“After graduation I ran. I stole some money from him, ran away, and changed my name to Jo Wilson.”

Bree looks up to her mom, her palm held tightly in the woman's, “Jo’s not your real name?” she asks.

Jo shakes her head. “No, Jo is my real name. It’s just not the one I was born with. ‘Jo’ was always inside of me, the person I always was, she just never had the chance to come out.” she answers honestly.

“When I came to Seattle I had one goal, and that was to be the best surgeon I could be. I thought that maybe I'd date a few guys here and there, but nothing too serious. That obviously didn’t end up being the case.” she lets out a soft chuckle, letting the memories of her intern year flood back to her. God, back then she was so scared, so frightened so downright terrified. It was hard to believe that it was twenty years ago she first laid eyes on the man who became the love of her life. How time flies. She still remembers being that wide-eyed intern that thought Meredith was Medusa, who thought that Alex was the world’s largest asshole to walk the face of the earth.

It was crazy; how one person could have such a large impact on your life, to have been a part of the process of who you are today.

She decided that she needed to hurry the story along and not get too lost in the past. “When I first met your dad I hated him.” she says bluntly, making Bree’s eyes widen like saucers. Of all the things she was expecting to hear her mom say about her dad, finding out that she hated him at the beginning of it all was not one of them.  

Jo chuckles, “It’s true. He was a huge asshole who’s already slept with all of my friends and flirted with any female that had two legs.” she smiles at the flashback pouring in through her head.

“Do you mind?”

“Sorry”

“Why are you following me?”

“I’m your intern for the day.”

“Hello intern, you have a name?”

“Jo Wilson.”

“Nice. I like chicks with boy’s names.”

“I have absolutely no interest in you since you’ve already slept with every single one of my friends”

How ironic, she thinks.

Jo tucks a strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear, looking into the eyes that were a mirror image of her own. Bree’s lips quirk up into a crooked grin, a sight that melted Jo’s heart every time. Their daughter had inherited Jo’s favorite feature about Alex.

“It only took getting drunk at a wedding, sharing about our crappy childhoods, and fake crying our way into a hotel room for us to become best friends overnight.” she lets a smile paint over her lips. “After that day we were inseparable. I would crash at his place most days of the week, passing out on the couch I bought for him after drinking beer, ordering take-out, and watching action movies together, oblivious to my feelings for him.”

Jo internally laughs at herself, trying to decide if she could go back in time whether she would’ve waited to get together with him or not. If she didn’t wait, she would’ve had longer with him, but something she always held so close to her was that they fell in love with each other even though they’d never kissed. She always thought it was just a small example of how strong their love for each other was.

“I dated a guy, the guy wasn’t a good guy. I finally realized I was in love with your dad when a tree came crashing through his living room.” she chuckles, Bree doing the same. Leave it up to her mom to have a life changing realization during the middle of a disaster

“This thought was weird, foreign to me. I’d never kissed him before, never really hugged him, so being in love with him was terrifying. But when he told me that he loved me?” Jo smiles, her eyes flutter shut as their conversation in the supply closet plays out before her.

“This place looks so different in the dark.”

“Yeah... You think the tree ruined my couch?”

“I think it ruined your entire living room.”

“Listen, I have to tell you something.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

“I think I do and you shouldn’t.”

“Jo-”

“I’ll mess it up, Alex. I mess everything good in my life up, and… we work as friends really well, and-and I don’t want to mess that up.”

“You won’t mess anything up. Last night, before the tree, you asked me a question. You wanted to hear me say the words. So I'm… saying them right now.”

“I don't hear anything.”

“Shut up.”

“Okay but i’m-”

“I’m serious.”

“Fine.”

“I love you.”

“The first time we kissed and I looked into his eyes,” Jo shakes her head, bemused with herself. “All I could think was, ‘There you are, it's you. I’ve been waiting for you for so long’.” she chuckles despite herself, wiping the single tear making its way down her cheek, knowing that whenever Alex was right now, he was shaking his head at her, trying to hide a laugh at her heartfelt statement, but yet holding it close to his heart, knowing that she meant every word.  

“We were far from perfect. We bickered back and forth, called each other names. Not to mention, our stubbornness always got in the way of us. But none of that really mattered, because at the end of the day, we’d fall asleep in each other’s arms, whether we were fighting or not. And even if we were fighting, he would always kiss me good morning and good night. Always. No matter what.” Jo lets out another huff of air, still being able to remember the feel of his lips on hers, the way they tasted, the way they moved. She smiles a small cheeky smile, “Good morning and goodnight kisses were important to him.”

She longed for it. Another kiss. Another moment. Another conversation. Another beer. Another crooked grin. Another boyish laugh. Another inappropriate joke. Another steamy shower. Another nuzzle with his scratchy beard. Another round of doughnuts in supply closets. Another chance to fake cry to get a hotel room. Another annoying comeback. Another hug. Another ‘I love you.’

One more second. One more second with him, so she could tell him about their beautiful little girl. One more second, so he could meet her, hold her, hug her. That’s all she wanted.  

They sit in silence for a while, taking in the peace around them. Jo observes the light grey walls, white furniture, messy dresser, the string lights on the wall, the photos on the strings. Bree gets up unexpectedly, grabbing a photo from the wall walking back over to the bed with it in her hand, passing it to her mom as she sits down again.

Jo traces her finger over the photograph, a lighthearted smile making its way to her lips unconsciously. It was an older photo, one from about two years after she and Alex had started dating. It was a simple couple pose; Alex standing behind her with his arms wrapped around her middle, Jo leaning into him, her hands placed over his. She was smiling wide for the camera, while he was half-smirking, half-grinning.

“Oh oh! I wanna take a picture!” Jo exclaimed excitedly as she stood on the ferry boat, the sun casting a breathtaking pink, orange, and yellow glow over the normally dark blue water.

She hears him groan behind her as she leans over the railing, elbows resting on the bar as her hair blows in the breeze, a gentle smile painting her lips.

She was a sight to see, Alex couldn’t help but grin right then. He always loved her the most when she was like this; calm, messy hair, a little bit of leftover makeup from earlier, just completely content with herself and everything around her.

He watches as she tilts her head back, eyes closed as she lets the sun’s rays shine onto her face, creating a natural glow that only seemed to add to the beauty she so naturally possessed.

Jo looks over to him, flashing Alex an overly sweet, sugary smile. “Pleaseee.” she begs, eyes dancing with childlike joy. He would gladly do it, he just didn’t want to look like a tourist. He freaking hated tourists.  

He mumbles something inaudible, which Jo takes as an opportunity to ask again. “Just one! Please Alex, just one picture!” she gives him her best puppy dog eyes, pointing up one finger to show him that she was true to her word.

“Fine.” he huffs, scratching the back of his neck and extending his palm, “Gimme your phone.”

His girlfriend gives him a confused look, “Um no, what do you think you’re doing?” she asks, furrowing her brows.  

Alex’s face twisted into one of incredulously, “Taking your picture?” he asks.

Jo shakes her head, “No, you’re taking the picture with me.”  

Alex grimaces, “Nuh-uh.” he hated taking pictures. His smile was weird and he felt like a gun was being pointed to his head whenever someone tried to correct the crookedness of his grin.

“Please Alex,” Jo pleads, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

She could see the internal battle playing in his head. He normally wouldn’t mind taking a photo, but there were people around, and if there was one thing Alex Karev hated, it was public embarrassment.

But how could he resist her? He couldn’t, so with a huff and a ‘you’re lucky i love you’ mumbled under his breath he watches as Jo asks a random woman to take their photo. He wraps his arms around her, her fingers interlacing with his as she leans back into him, standing between his legs with her head against his chest.

“One, two, three, smile!” the woman says enthusiastically.

Before three, Alex quirks his lips up, reaching down slightly so he could speak in Jo’s ear. “Tourist.” he says, making her laugh right as the woman took the photo.

Jo feels her daughter's eyes on her, but she still looks at the photo. They looked so young, so free. Back then the only care was whether or not Meredith would be coming over to kick her out of bed that night. Fun times.

“I just want you to smile like that again.” Bree says quietly, Jo’s eyes snapping up with confusion.

“Sweetie…” she trails off, tucking a stand of her daughter’s long brown hair behind her ear, eyes shining with unshed tears. She picks up a photo from Bree’s dresser, holding it side by side to the picture of her and Alex.

“I smile like that all the time.” she grins, the same smile on her face now as it was in the two photographs in her hand.

Bree had never looked at it like that before. The two smiles were identical, you could tell when you held them next to each other. She grins widely, she makes her mom as happy as her dad did.  

The girl feels her mom wipe a stray tear, one she hadn't even noticed had escaped her eyes. JO wraps and arm around Bree, pulling her into a side hug, holding her there for as long as she pleases.

“How different do you think life would be if he was still here?” she asks her mom, eyes glossy and shining with love.

Jo chuckles, placing a kiss on the top of her head. “Well…” she starts off. It felt good talking about Alex. She had never talked about him like this before. She told stories, spewed little facts here and there, but never went into too much detail, fearing that it would hurt too much. Turns out, it actually felt really good.

“You would have siblings, that’s for sure.” Bree shoved her mom’s shoulder, a laugh escaping her lips. The mood grew more serious, “But, if he was still here…” she looks into the corner of the room, imagining the love of her life standing there right now, arms crossed in front of his chest, signature crooked grin plastered in his lips, a little child hanging onto his leg like a monkey.

“He would’ve braided your hair.” her eyes grow teary as she smiles softly. “And, he would’ve called you Princess.” she swallows the lump in her throat. “You two would always be getting into trouble together. God, you would’ve been such a daddy’s girl.” she doesn’t even bother to wipe a tear from her cheek, knowing that they would just keep coming. “There would be full cooked breakfasts on the table nearly every morning, since he would get up early just to make it. And he would say that you weren’t allowed to date until you were forty.” she laughs.

Bree looks up at her mom, confused. “But Mom, you do all that.”

Jo smiles, placing another kiss on the top of her head full of brown hair. “I know, and I do it because it’s what he would’ve done.” she wipes tears from her daughter's cheeks.

“But I want you to know that I love you, okay?” Jo reassures her. “I love you more than anything else in this world, you hear me? And even though your dad’s not here right now,” she points to her heart, water dripping down her cheeks rapidly, her voice squeaky and broken. “He’s right here, with me. Every second of every day. And I miss him, I will never stop missing him, but that doesn’t mean I will ever love you any less. And I am so happy baby. I am so, so happy, and that’s because of you, okay?”

Bree wipes at her eyes, smiling up at her mom. “Okay, I love you mom.”

Jo gives her a watery grin, placing a delicate kiss on her forehead, “I love you too Bree. So much.”

[elsanna-shenanigans]

August Contest Submission #17: A Perfectly Normal Prom Night

Words: ca. 2,500 Setting: mAU Lemon: No CW: None

The whole thing started rather innocuously. It was the middle of summer when Elsa and Anna’s parents had dragged them to an outdoor concert for one of those old timer bands. The girls, having just finished eleventh and tenth grade respectively, were not exactly thrilled about their parents’ choice of music, and so pretty soon they wandered off together, eventually finding some relative peace and quiet in a patch of grass and flowers off at the opposite edge of the wide field from where the concert was taking place, where they talked for a while about the things teenage girls typically talk about.

Anna, who was prone to being consumed by nervous energy, busied her hands by picking the nearby flowers and weaving the stems together. When she’d woven enough of them to form a small flower crown, she interrupted whatever Elsa was saying at that particular moment then leaned forward and placed the crown on Elsa’s head.

“Um, thanks?” Elsa said, with a light blush on her cheeks. She was, as ever, rather self-conscious. “It looks silly doesn’t it?”

But Anna shook her head. “No, actually, it looks really pretty.”

The blush on Elsa’s face only deepened.

Elsa wore the flower crown on the car ride home. She wore it around the house for the rest of the weekend. Come Monday morning, by which time some of the stems had started to wither and unravel, she presented the remains to Anna, who salvaged what she could and wove the remaining bits into Elsa’s braid, her facing beaming with pride.

And so it became a ritual for the sisters: Anna gathering flowers and braiding them into various formations, and then placing them in Elsa’s hair until she blushed. Elsa, presenting herself each day for her floral adornment. It was a curious sort of reversal of their usual big sister/little sister roles, and Anna found she rather enjoyed it. In fact, she enjoyed it rather a lot.

The school year started up with no interruption to their ritual. If anything, it brought them closer. It was not uncommon to find Anna fussing with the placement of the flowers in Elsa’s hair during their shared lunch break. Or on their walk home from school. Or while watching TV together on the couch after dinner. And maybe they started inviting each other to hangouts with their respective friend groups more than they had before. All in all, it was a pretty good year.

They were eating two dollar burgers on a picnic bench at the local park when Elsa casually asked Anna to go to prom with her.

“You don’t have someone you’d prefer to go with?” Anna asked, trying to play it cool but feeling a little bewildered.

“I do, silly. I just asked you,” Elsa said before taking a large bite of her hamburger.

“Okay. Sure.” A casual answer for a casual question.

In truth, the prom talk reminded Anna of a fact that she’d done a rather good job not thinking about for the past year, which was that Elsa was going to be going off to college in the fall. Like the flowers in Elsa’s hair, their lives had become woven closer together in the past nine months, and Anna wasn’t looking forward to Elsa being gone.

And so, rather than wallowing in self-pity, Anna resolved to go all out for this prom thing.

The first item was the dress. Some quick internet searching turned up several options online; she went with a long green dress with floral embellishments on the bodice. It wasn’t egregiously expensive, but it would be shipped from overseas and so she had to cross her fingers that it wouldn’t look horribly cheap in person. Luckily it was long enough that she didn’t really have to splurge on shoes, as they would go mostly unseen.

Second was the ride. It took some horse trading with her father, but she managed to get him to shell out for a limo—don’t you want Elsa’s night to be special, Dad?—even if it meant she’d be the one mowing the lawn all summer.

The third, which came together in the last few days before the dance, was the corsage. She’d had to scour every flower shop across town before she found one that would make a corsage of Elsa’s favorite flower, the crocus.

And then there was the last thing, which was stupid and foolish, and conveniently fully refundable if she chickened out at the last minute. Anna wasn’t fully sure which of the two outcomes she would prefer.

When the day came, Anna even did the little ritual of going around to the front door once she was all dressed up and ringing the doorbell. Her father answered the door and gave her a little wink, then turned to call for Elsa to come downstairs, thankfully before he could spot the light blush rising on her face. When Elsa came around the upstairs hallway and descended the stairs, there was no more hope of Anna hiding the bright crimson blush on her face from anyone.

Elsa’s dress was a gorgeous lavender color and surprisingly a bit short, for a prom dress. The bodice was all floral lace, and below that were several tiers of tulle skirts which came down to just below her knees. Her hair was done up in a fancy braid, and woven into it Anna spotted a few of the flowers she’d left on Elsa’s dresser that morning.

Anna thought she had never seen someone so pretty in her life.

If time had seemed to slow for that first glance of Elsa on the stairs, it definitely sped up after that. Anna presented the corsage and pinned it to Elsa’s dress, earning her a dazzled look when Elsa recognized her favorite flowers. Her father took the requisite ‘prom couple’ photos before the limo showed up to take them to their destination. Anna had to repeat several yes really’s to Elsa’s did you really?’s as their parents ushered them into the waiting vehicle.

At the venue they met up with their friends and generally just had a blast. When the slow songs came on they would find each other and catch up on whatever hijinks the other had missed, or poke fun at their coupled friends being sappy with each other. Anna didn’t even mind when they spent the last ‘dance’ snacking on chocolates at the refreshments table instead of on the dance floor.

After the dance came the after parties. Neither of the girls was much of a wild partier, but it seemed apropos to at least see what all the fuss was about. All in all, they had a good time. At one point Anna actually did sneak a shot of tequila when she was offered, for courage. Or tried to sneak; Elsa had somehow noticed and gave her a very judgy older-sister look which Anna only managed to disarm by fussing somewhat dramatically over the state of the flowers in Elsa’s braid.

The night dragged on. At about one in the morning the two sisters found themselves at an all-night diner with Rapunzel and Eugene, sharing a basket of french fries. They’d lost Kristoff when the group had briefly stopped in front of the local gay bar. When the fries ran out, Eugene and Rapunzel excused themselves; Eugene mentioned that it was time to take his girlfriend home, with a very big wink when he said the word home. Anna just rolled her eyes at him. But hey, that was part of the whole prom night thing too, right?

Anna couldn’t help but notice that Elsa looked a bit down when they left the diner. The limo was long gone at that point, so Anna hailed a cab with the app on her phone. Once they were underway, she broached the topic of what was making Elsa glum in that moment.

“We had an amazing night, right Elsa? I didn’t screw anything up?”

Elsa, who had been gazing out the car window, turned to face Anna, eyes wet around the edges but not crying exactly. “Oh, Anna, of course not. You were perfect, everything was perfect. It’s just that—well, I told myself I didn’t want any… entanglements before going off to college, but seeing Eugene and Punz going off to have some, um, special time together—” Elsa stopped abruptly and composed herself a little. “I just kinda don’t want the night to be over yet.”

“So um, about that,” Anna started to say, just as the driver pulled up to their destination.

Anna got out of the car as Elsa scooched across the back seats and then joined her on the sidewalk, just as the taxi pulled away. The sidewalk which was definitely not the driveway of their house.

“I got us a hotel!” Anna announced excitedly, before she could choke on the words. They were in fact, standing in front of a fairly nice hotel near the edge of downtown.

“You didn’t,” Elsa replied, deadpan, though her eyes were wandering up the side of the glass building to the bright blue sign near the roof many stories up.

“We can still go home if you want, I haven’t actually paid anything yet,” Anna offered, but Elsa’s answer was to head towards the front door and into the lobby.

Anna trailed after her, managed to wrangle Elsa along with her to the check-in desk in order to procure the room key. The process of which was somewhat elaborated by the fact that Anna could barely get her words out, suffering a bit of shock at the part where Elsa hadn’t just called up another taxi to take them home. It was definitely the tequila talking when, in the elevator, she grabbed hold of Elsa’s hand. Elsa shot her an indecipherable look, but didn’t let go.

They were still holding hands when Anna keyed the door lock with her free hand, opened the door slightly, popped her foot in the gap to hold it open, and then promptly spun around to face Elsa.

“Turn around,” Anna ordered, and was surprised when her sister complied.

“Anna,” Elsa whined, and the tone in her voice gave Anna a curious boost in confidence.

“Close your eyes,” Anna half-whispered, as she pulled her hand loose from Elsa’s and then raised both hands up to cover Elsa’s eyes. With a bit of an awkward shuffle, Anna managed to guide them both backwards through the doorway, before turning them both in place so that she could guide Elsa forward into the center of the room. And then, with a deep breath, she dropped her hands and let Elsa see.

It wasn’t just that Anna had gotten them a hotel room. That could have been excused as just a fun place to hang out to cap the night off. Anna, god help her, wanted her message to be clear. Which was why the hotel room had only the one king-size bed, completely covered in white rose petals.

Elsa stepped forward tentatively, ran a hand along the edge of the bed, disturbing some of the flower petals. She glanced at Anna briefly, and then back at the bed and around the room. After a long moment that felt like an eternity to Anna, Elsa turned around, kicked off her heels, and sat on the edge of bed with a look on her face that heavily implied that Anna should start talking.

Here, at the crux of all the plans she had orchestrated for this night, Anna found that she didn’t need really need that tequila courage to say what she needed to say.

“I think I’m in love with you,” she confessed. It was a lot easier to breathe like a normal person now that she’d said the hardest part. “I know it sounds absurd, but that’s the only way I can make sense of the way you make me feel. It was just little things at first, and then I started having thoughts and I wasn’t sure—I’m still not sure sure to be honest. When you asked me to go to prom with you, I thought that maybe, maybe you felt something like I do?” Anna paused, hoping the Elsa might respond, but the expression on the blonde girl’s face remained enigmatic. With a bit of resignation, Anna sat down on the bed next to Elsa. “I got this hotel room so that we could—so that I could tell you how I felt. In private.”

Elsa just looked at her for rather a long time, and Anna felt like she could see the various thoughts she must be having go to and fro in her sister’s head.

“And what did you think we would do in this hotel room,” Elsa inquired eventually, with a curious tone in her voice, “now that you’ve told me, if I felt the same way?”

“W-whatever we’re both, um, comfortable with?” Anna responded hesitantly, taking Elsa’s hand in hers once again. “Which could totally be nothing at all, I mean, if you don’t feel that—”

“Can I kiss you?” Elsa asked immediately, before Anna had finished speaking.

Whoa what?

“Uh, yes?”

How was she so unprepared for the very thing she had been hoping would happen?

She felt a little bit like her spirit had left her body when Elsa quickly lifted her free hand to caress Anna’s cheek, and then leaned in until their lips pressed together. Anna wasn’t exactly an experienced kisser; she’d kissed a few girls (and yes, boys), but mostly in the hesitant, high-school way where neither person knows what they’re doing. And still, this kiss with Elsa felt a little odd. It felt, somehow, like Elsa was asking a question, only… Anna didn’t think she was the one who was supposed to answer it. And just like that, the sense of elation from just moments before dropped out of her chest and curdled in her stomach.

Elsa, perhaps sensing the shift, pulled away. Looked away. But their hands were still clasped, and Anna took that as a sign of something. After a moment, she gave Elsa’s hand a brief squeeze of reassurance. I’m still here, she endeavored to say without saying.

“I don’t think I’m in love with you,” Elsa said, and before Anna could fall to pieces, Elsa finally looked back at her and there was something bright in her blue eyes. “But. Maybe you’ve just figured it out sooner than me? Because I do want to kiss you some more. I wanted to kiss you so bad when you gave me the corsage earlier tonight. Wouldn’t that have caused a scene!”

Elsa laughed then, and the sight of it transmuted all of Anna’s mixed up emotions into her own burst of laughter because yeah, Elsa surprise kissing her in front of their parents would have been a whole damn fiasco and who knows if they would have even been allowed to leave the house in that case? And Anna was really glad they had gotten to spend this time together.

“Is that okay? That I don’t feel, um, quite the same thing as you?” Elsa asked, when Anna had mostly collected herself.

“I think so?” Anna replied, rubbing away the streaks from tears that had escaped during her fit of laughter. “We just have to communicate, right? If something changes, it has to be okay for either of us to say something.”

“Of course,” Elsa confirmed. And then she got a particularly mischievous smile on her pretty face.

“What? Elsa, what!” Anna pressed, when her sister still didn’t say anything.

“Well, I did say I want to kiss you some more, didn’t I?” Elsa scooted back on the bed until she was sitting in the center of it, then trailed her hands through the rose petals that still blanketed the sheets. “Your plan worked. You’ve got me all alone in this romantic hotel room with you. What are you going to do with me?”

Anna never once complained about mowing the lawn that summer.

[starrattlerofprydain]

The Other Girl (Ch. 2)

Summary: What if Roxas met Kairi during his days in the Organization?

AO3 / FF.net

Chapter 2: A Familiar Face (Previous/Next) “Come on, Kairi,” Selphie begged, pulling on the redhead’s wrist. “It’ll be just for today!”

Kairi gave her friend a hesitant look. It’s been a while since the girl had visited the small island where she and her friends always spent their days playing around. She loved it there. However, now that her two closest friends have gone away for some time, Kairi couldn’t help but spend her days waiting there for them to come back.

Day after day, she waited.

And waited.

But no one ever came.

Kairi did this for a while until one day, the memories of her these two friends began to slowly fade away. She could still remember their faces. She knew that there was a silver-haired boy.

Riku, was it? But… the other boy… why can’t I remember his name now?

She wasn’t sure if it was because she was tired after having many sleepless nights, but after spending much of her time waiting and trying to remember the things she had forgotten, Kairi thought it was best to stop going to the island, for her own sake. From there, she went on living her regular life. But somewhere in the back of her mind, she held on to a little bit of hope, knowing that she’ll be able to see those familiar faces again.

Which is why when Selphie tried to convince her to go on this particular day, Kairi felt her stomach flip all of a sudden. Part of her longed to go back, but she still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea.

“I don’t…” The redhead trailed off as she gave it some thought again. It didn’t help that her friend was rather convincing with the puppy-eyed face she was making.

Kairi managed to let out a small laugh at this before she finally ended up giving in. “Okay, fine. I guess it won’t hurt to go for a day.”

“Really?” Selphie’s face brightened as she took both of Kairi’s hands in hers. “Great! I’ll let Tidus and Wakka know so we can start heading over there!”

The redhead smiled at her friend’s enthusiasm, but deep down she hoped that she was making the right decision to go back after all this time.

-----------

“Hey! Wait up, Tidus!” The tall boy called out as he ran after his friend on the island.

The blond looked over his shoulder and laughed, not bothering to slow down. “Try to keep up!”

Behind them were the two girls just strolling by the shore. Normally, they would be spending this time having long conversations about anything and everything, all while enjoying the sights around the small island, but it was quiet between the two of them. Specifically on Kairi’s end, which began to worry Selphie.

“It’s nice to be back, isn’t it?” asked the brunette, in hopes of getting Kairi to speak.

The redhead gave her friend a small smile and shrugged. “I guess so...”

Selphie noticed how off she seemed and stopped walking, turning to look at her with concern. “Hey, is there something wrong?”

Kairi looked at her friend before glancing down to the sandy ground. “I’m fine. It’s just been a while since...”

The girl trailed off just as she noticed some movement from the corner of her left eye. She turned her head in that direction and saw something in black heading towards the secret place. Without hesitation, Kairi left her friend behind and ran after whatever this was. Her stomach flipped at that moment, just like how it did earlier that day as she wondered if there was someone else on the island.

She finally made it to the cave and took a quick glance around to see…

Nothing.

“Is someone there?” Kairi asked, even though she was certain she wouldn’t get a response. She wanted to take a better look around until Selphie called out to her. The redhead bit her lip in disappointment before she began to head out of the dark area. “I’m coming!”

Kairi emerged from the cave within a few moments to find her friend with a surprised look on her face. “What happened? You just ran off all of a sudden!”

A small laugh escaped Kairi’s lips, realizing she must have looked silly chasing after nothing. “Sorry… I thought I saw something.”

Or… someone, she thought.

-----------

After Roxas did what he could to complete his mission, he made his way over to Twilight Town as usual. There, up on the clock tower, waited his red-headed friend who he hadn’t seen since the day before.

“Heya, Roxas,” he greeted with two ice cream bars in his hand. “You made it just in time. Your ice cream’s starting to melt.”

“Oh…” Roxas took his seat next to him and took the ice cream, noticing it began to drip. The boy started to eat it up before it became a mess.

Axel took a bite of his own treat as he looked out at the horizon with a small smile. “So how’d you spend your day off?”

“Not wasting the day away sleeping like you,” Roxas chuckled.

The older Nobody scoffed, playfully shoving Roxas in the process. “Hey c’mon! It’s the least I can do for myself. Feels like it’s been ages since I got a decent amount of rest.”

“I guess so,” the blond shrugged, remembering he didn’t get around to doing much either. “I spent most of the day with Xion. I was hoping she would wake up in time so we can spend it together, but she never did. I guess she still hasn’t woken up today either since she’s not here…”

Roxas looked at his melting ice cream with despair. He was really starting to miss hearing her voice. Axel hesitantly rubbed his neck, noticing the look on his friend’s face

“Just give it some time. She’ll be fine. Before you know it, we’ll all be sitting here together again like the old times.”

“Yeah, I hope so…” Roxas mumbled, looking up at Axel who was now staring out ahead of him. The boy did the same, letting his mind wander.

“I went to a new world for today’s mission.”

“Oh yeah? Where to?”

“Destiny Islands. We promised to go to the beach there together someday, remember?”

Axel glanced over and chuckled softly, “Yeah, of course I remember. I don’t forget things so easily, y’know.”

“Right,” Roxas nodded, looking down to his ice cream. “It’s strange though. Something about that place felt familiar. Almost like I’ve been there or something…” the boy paused and turned to face his friend, “Do you think these are just memories from before I became a Nobody?”

Axel remained silent, recalling he had a similar conversation with Xion one time. Of course that place was going to be familiar to him. He was Sora’s Nobody, after all. He knew that much. He scratched his head and shrugged at Roxas’s question.

“That’s possible.”

“And there was also this girl there who looked a bit like Xion,” Roxas added, vaguely remembering the stranger. “I couldn’t tell for sure but… I just had a feeling.”

The redhead stayed silent again, losing himself in deep thought as a smirk formed on his lips. “A feeling, huh? Seems like you’re forgetting that Nobodies aren’t supposed to feel.”

Roxas can only shrug at this. “It’s just strange, that’s all. Maybe I’m just missing having Xion around.”

Axel lightly patted the boy’s back and chuckled. “You two just can’t stay apart, can you?”

Roxas gave his friend a small smile as he continued to finish up his ice cream. The two Nobodies sat there a while longer, appreciating the sights as they spoke about whatever came to mind before heading back to the castle after their long day.

-----------

Another day, another mission to complete. Today’s mission involved collecting hearts in Agrabah. Not only did Roxas have to deal with the blazing heat from that world, but he ended up getting paired up with Demyx this time around. It definitely wasn’t his favorite combo.

By the time they finished, Roxas had done most of the heart collecting, while Demyx spent most of his time complaining about the unbearable heat. Roxas might as well have been better off on his own on this mission.

“Man, I’m outta here,” Demyx whined as he opened up a dark corridor and disappeared within a matter of seconds.

“Yeah, thanks for nothing,” Roxas grumbled under his breath.

From there, he planned on heading to Twilight Town as usual, but then the thought of going back to Destiny Islands crossed his mind. He considered making a quick stop to pick up some seashells for Xion. And if it were possible, maybe he might see that girl again. But what were the chances of that happening?

Nevertheless, Roxas went through the dark corridor and headed off to his next destination. Eventually he was hit with a familiar sea breeze as he stepped out into the bright, tropical setting. The boy scanned the area before he began to make his way over to the shoreline.

It didn’t take him long to appreciate how peaceful it felt being there on the island. With the sound of the waves filling his ears and the salty breeze blowing through his hair, Roxas felt at ease. It gave him the same warm feeling as sitting up on the clock tower. He could now see why Xion liked coming here. Suddenly, his gaze fell down when he noticed a small object coming into view as the waves rolled out. Roxas bent down and picked up the object from the sand, smiling softly as he gazed at the familiar shape. 

A thalassa shell, similar to one of many seashells currently sitting beside Xion. But unlike the blue and yellow colors that he was used to seeing, this particular shell was a lighter combination of pink and yellow. He tucked it away in his pocket, unaware that someone had been watching him from a short distance.

-----------

It was the first time Kairi was glad her friends had been busy that day, since now it gave her the chance to go to the island on her own. She realized this might have been a bit selfish of her, especially after not going back for many weeks, even though Selphie suggested for them to go plenty of times. But a part of her told her to return as soon as possible. Like there must have been something waiting for her there.

Or someone, she reminded herself. Could it be her friends? The ones she’s been longing to see again?

Kairi soon arrived at the empty island, taking in the sights once more. It was bittersweet being there again. The girl truly missed it, but she knew there was a reason for not coming back. However, she tried to push those thoughts away for the time being.

Out of curiosity, Kairi walked over by the secret place, recalling what had happened the day before. She wasn’t seeing things… was she? She took a deep breath and made her way inside the cave again, only to see nothing unusual. It was still the same old cave she remembered from before. She glanced around, looking at all the chalk drawings surrounding the walls. From there, the redhead spotted a particular drawing. One that she hasn’t seen in a while ever since she stopped coming to the island.

It was a messy drawing of Kairi sharing a paopu fruit with someone special to her. Who this special someone was… well, she knew it had to be the boy she waited for all this time. At times it seemed his name would come to her mind, only for it to slip away again. And sometimes she would see a face, but it became too hazy to remember, almost like a dream. Kairi kneeled down as she stared at the drawing with a sad smile, wishing she could just remember his name and face. The only thing that kept her going was something about a promise they made.

“We made a promise, didn’t we?” She mumbled, pressing her hand up against the cold wall. “I know we did…”

Kairi kept her gaze on the drawing a while longer before she shook her head and stood back up, brushing off the dirt from her outfit. She took another brief look around before she decided to make her way back out of the cave.

As soon as her eyes adjusted to the sunlight, she immediately spotted someone by the shoreline. Someone with blond hair and a black coat. Then realization struck her. Maybe whatever she saw just the day before might have been whoever this was. But… who was this person anyway?

Kairi quietly watched him from a distance as he bent down, probably to pick up a seashell lying in the wet sand. He stood there examining it before tucking it in his coat.

He began to walk off until he suddenly noticed her presence.

And he froze.

And she froze as well.

Just as Kairi was about to approach him, he made a quick run for it, leaving the girl wide-eyed. Then, almost as if it were out of instinct, she quickly followed him.

“Wait! Don’t go!” She called out.

Roxas stopped in his tracks, unsure what to do. Though, he realized running away out in the open was probably a useless thing to do anyway. But he wanted to avoid being seen so he thought of the next best thing. Quickly, Roxas reached over his back and brought the hood of his coat over his head.

Kairi caught up to him, cautiously taking a few steps forward as she stared at the now hooded stranger. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”

He turned around slightly, keeping his gaze low. “I’m just… visiting.”

“Oh, I see,” the girl slowly nodded, taking a step closer to him to get a better look at his face.  “By any chance, were you here yesterday too?”

Roxas noticed how much closer she got to him and took a small step back, lifting his head slightly to meet her eyes. And that’s when he realized…

She really does look like her...

Other than her auburn hair being slightly longer than Xion’s, he can definitely see a resemblance.

The redhead pouted and waved a hand in front of his face. “Hellooo? Are you there?”

Roxas snapped out of his thoughts and gazed back down to the sand, attempting to pull the hood further down his face.

Kairi raised a brow before laughing at whatever this boy was trying to do. At this rate, she gained more courage to take another step closer. With her hands behind her back, she lowered her head and peeked up at him with a grin. “I can still see you, you know.”

He sighed to himself and lifted his head as he listened to the girl giggle.

“Come on, let me just…” Without hesitation, she reached out and gradually pulled the hood off from his head, revealing his blond, spiky locks she saw moments ago. Finally, they were both able to see each other’s faces clearly. Roxas curiously stared at her for a long time and noticed she had been staring at him for a while too, almost as if she had been lost in thought, but he wasn’t too sure.

“What?” He questioned, snapping Kairi out of her thoughts.

It took her a moment to realize she was absentmindedly staring at the boy. She didn’t mean to, of course. But she couldn’t help but wonder...

I feel like I’m connected to him somehow… but I’m not sure why...

She shook her head and took a step back. “I’m sorry. Have we… met before?”

Roxas scratched his head, giving the girl a look of confusion. “I don’t think we have…?”

“Right… sorry,” she looked down and fiddled with her fingers. “It’s just… you remind me of someone I know.”

You remind me of someone I know…

Roxas repeated the words in his head. As if it wasn’t already strange enough that this person looked like his friend, apparently now Roxas had someone who looked like him as well. He was confused about whatever was going on, yet he couldn’t help but laugh about the whole situation.

Kairi looked at him, thinking she might have said something wrong. “What is it?”

“It’s weird…” he began as he rubbed his neck, “You remind me of someone I know too.”

The girl stood there in bewilderment before she found herself laughing as well. “That is pretty weird.”

She continued to laugh at this, causing Roxas to laugh along with her as well. It was strange how comfortable they both felt with each other at that moment. Once their laughter died down, the redhead realized she didn’t introduce herself yet.

“I’m Kairi, by the way.”

Kairi… have I heard that name once before...?

He brushed the thought aside and introduced himself as well. “I’m Roxas.”

The girl smiled and began to walk past him, her hands behind her back once more. “So… what brings you here, Roxas? Are you looking for seashells?”

“How’d you know?” His gaze followed her as she walked over to the shoreline. 

She turned back to look at him, the genuine smile never leaving her face. “I saw you picking something up from the sand a while ago. I figured it might have been that.”

Roxas went over to join her by the shoreline and scratched his head. “Well, yeah. It’s for my friend, actually. She hasn't been too well these past days.”

Suddenly, the smile on her face disappeared. “Oh… sorry about that. I hope she gets better.”

“Yeah…”

He stayed silent for a moment before pulling out the seashell he kept in his pocket. “She really likes these though. She brought some for me when I was a little unwell myself.” 

Kairi gave him a curious look. “Your friend was here too?”

Roxas nodded at her question, tucking the small object back in his pocket before realizing he lost track of time. Axel was probably waiting for him on the clock tower with his melting ice cream. “Uh… anyway, I should probably get going. I got some place to be.”

Kairi’s heart suddenly dropped just as he was about to walk off.

“Wait! Umm…” She reached out to grab him, only to retract her hand when he turned to face her with a surprised look. A small smile suddenly formed on the girl’s lips as she thought of an idea. “Tell you what… Why don’t you come back tomorrow? There’s something I wanna show you.”

“Okay…?” Roxas wasn’t sure how to respond to this, but he went along with it anyway. Whatever made her happy, he supposed. After all, he was now curious to get to know her more.

Kairi gave the boy a delighted smile when he agreed to return. Though, she noticed the confused look on his face and laughed softly.

“Trust me, I’m sure your friend would appreciate it.”

[rossodelgiorno]

2020/ Chain of Fools

2020 was the year I adopted a boiler suit and gas mask as a daily uniform. The world had gone into a global lockdown to combat the COVID19 virus which meant we were only allowed to leave our house for essential reasons such as grocery shopping and exercise. When outside, we were government mandated to wear face masks to prevent the spread of the disease. They made me feel like a muzzled dog and I resented no longer being able to smile with strangers on the street. Feeling like a prisoner in his own home and under extreme stress from job insecurity, my boyfriend Jake’s amphetamine addiction began to spiral out of control.

As a result of Jake’s addiction, we had accidentally befriended a posse of drug dealers and prostitutes- bonded by our love of having a good time and a general disregard for consequence. We met Dani through a call girl friend of mine who had realised the difficulty of making a living through writing online fashion content. Dani had big brown eyes, fat, botoxed lips and dressed only in high end labels like Gucci and Balmain. Born into a wealthy family, she had acquired a taste for expensive things but lacked the work ethic to maintain this taste without selling her body for sex. Dani began to visit more throughout the lockdown to deliver Jake drugs, hidden in a bag of a groceries. One night, she played Carole King on our old vinyl player, while Jake rolled us a joint to share. I flirted with them both, knowing that it would lead to a threesome. We smoked Jake’s joint, snorted lines of cocaine off each other and then took turns going down on each other.

A week later, Dani introduced us to a crew of “script kiddies”- long haired, internet hackers with a love of mumble rap, cryptocurrency and ketamine. I made cocktails for everyone and established that one of these kids shared a mutual friend with Jake. They seemed fascinated by the genuine sexual chemistry between myself, Jake and Dani and expressed gratitude for our generous hospitality. Eventually I came to the conclusion that by associating us with this crowd, Dani had managed to successfully pray on the vulnerable- trusting junkies like us who were lax with internet security and keen for a good time. In retrospect, I wish I had known that Dani was a hustler at heart- making money in any way she could without considering the impact of her choices. At the time however, I felt like we were fully living life in the moment- something I was certain would bring me happiness, meaning and didn’t question her motives for a moment.

Ella, Dani’s best friend, had a boyish pixie cut, high cheekbones and was tall and slim. She had gradually joined in on our shenanigans, along with Mark, a dealer with a steady supply of the best gear available north of the river. We all hung out together in our plant-filled, converted warehouse listening to electronic music and sharing stories about our favourite mind-altering substances. My stories were consistently focused on MDMA. As a notoriously private person, I’d discovered MDMA helped me open up and allowed me to dance, free of fear of judgement. It had also helped Jake open up about the sexual abuse he experienced as child, a fact I doubted would have ever come up without the influence of a truth serum and something which I was certain had driven him to substance abuse in the first place.

While we laughed, chatted and danced with Dani and Mark, Ella, who claimed to be a part time poet and part-time model, entered a viral script virus onto our wireless network by requesting our wifi password. Something we provided willingly, without second thought. This meant remote access to every digital device we owned and access to all stored personal information including scanned copies of our passports and birth certificates.

The issue with Mark, despite his criminal lifestyle, was that he was excellent company. Intelligent, engaging and a DJ in his spare time- we thrived off his love of hip hop and old-school funk. Similarly, he thrived off our property location in the Inner North- close to his regular customers and discrete enough from the prying eyes of authority. We welcomed him into our home with open arms, deprived of social contact through social distancing practices enforced by the pandemic. We held COVID19 illegal gatherings where we got high off Mark’s supply, enjoyed each other’s company while Ella hacked our electronic identities. When you’re lonely, it doesn’t really matter if others are using you and you’re using them. As long as everyone is filling a clearly defined role, the maladaptive social ecosystem continues to function.

It’s unclear exactly how many international drug smuggling routes were established using our stolen online identities before Jake clued on that something wasn’t right. He told me that he had been locked out of his email account, that the speed of his phone had slowed and that he could hear clicking noises during his phone calls. He was certain that his was a breach of online security and started to question the motives of our new friends. I wrote him off as crazy, blaming his excessive use of amphetamines and the psychological effect of social isolation. I was determined to keep my online identity public, obsessed by the idea of becoming the next millennial therapist and too blinded by Dani’s beauty to believe that she would want to harm us in any way.

Eventually Jake’s distress became too extreme to ignore and he shook me violently one night, yelling at me to believe what I had assumed was a paranoid conspiracy theory. A sinking feeling in my gut became apparent when he started to coherently piece together his concerns about his online security issues. I realized that my sense of reality had been clouded by my lust for Dani and by a dark depression that had developed through my work as an essential worker during a pandemic. Based on Jake’s erratic behaviour, I knew we had to get out of the warehouse immediately, but I had no idea where to go and was fearful of drawing attention to any law-breaking activity when police presence was so prominent.

We agreed to seek refuge with our friends Trish and Rick, former 90s British ravers who had channeled their drug-fuelled benders into successful and respectable careers. I called them panicked that night, shaking and rambling about what had happened. Without hesitancy, Trish told us to come over right away. Rick’s brother back in the UK had recently killed himself and they were struggling too. Trish and Rick lived in an affluent area in the inner East which meant we needed to blend in quickly through a disguise of expensive athleisure and an almost painful sense of normality. It appeared that our efforts at disguise were successful and it seemed to result in freedom from any unusual online activity on our devices. We bought new phones, changed our phone numbers, email addresses and disconnected from the outside world for an entire week. We spoke about going to the police, however we both agreed that this would place us at too much risk to the criminal world to be a viable option.

When your online identity is stolen, you quickly start to daydream what it would be like to steal someone else’s identity. For example, what exactly would you do with those proceeds of crime? Which tropical island would you escape to, what designer clothes would you wear, which car would you drive? I quickly became entranced and jealous at the thought of this fantasy life, but then spent time reflecting on my own morality and these feelings subsided. Instead, an intense anger developed at the thought of others taking advantage of Jake and his mental illness. High on a sense of ethical superiority and new found fury, I decided to employ my favourite psychological defense mechanism, repression, to cope with my latest traumas. May you rest in peace, memory, I said to myself before engaging in my daily mediation ritual.

While repressing my consciousness, I also began to focus on the importance of social support. I knew this shit was important but didn’t fully understand until Trish brushed my hair one night, my arms too frail from fear and stress to function. Trish and Rick played familiar Britpop, drank tea and encouraged us to embrace the therapeutic benefits of music through use of the guitar and keyboard that we had brought to their house. We took turns cooking for each other, played board games and counselled each other through each personal problems, one at a time.

Jake and I stayed with Trish and Rick for two weeks until we could establish an exit plan from the city. We migrated to rural Victoria like many other Melbournians, traumatized by the lockdown. The pace in the country was slow yet calming and people genuinely seemed to care about your welfare when they inquired “How you going, mate?” After such an extended period of social isolation, many of us forgot how to interact with others. We valued and craved human connection more than ever, and yet we seemed scared of what we might connect with. We continued to develop our own deformed version of sign language to communicate through the face masks and focused on re-developing social skills that had been lost through extended disconnection.

Jake and I continued to battle through the challenges of online identity theft and the consequences of his addiction issues. Jake’s substance use had subsided substantially without the influence of Mark and Dani and we eventually adjusted to living normal, routine driven lifestyles. He had cycled through periods of problematic use before, however I still felt somewhat shell shocked by the intensity of his most recent relapse. However, one day late in December I found myself wandering through the tranquility of the Otways, fully freed from the constraints of the lockdown which had finally lifted and contemplating my progress in life since leaving this place as a teenager. The rainforest sounds were vivid and the smells of the ocean salty in my nostrils. I wasn’t where I had planned to end the year 2020, but I was alive and I had Jake. And for that, I felt eternally grateful.

Rosso Del Giorno

Your journey starts here.

An incomplete list of skills senior engineers need, beyond coding

Dear American Progressives: Your Jewish Friends Are Terrified by Your Silence

POLITICS

Inslee announces vaccination incentives

FORGE

50 Very Short Rules for a Good Life From the Stoics

[marmolady]

Growing Pains: Part Three

PART ONE     PART TWO

Main Pairings: Estela x MC/Taylor (f)

Summary: Post-ending. For Liv and her mothers, Taylor and Estela, a turbulent period of transition is afoot. Set primarily in the distant future of 2033.

Word Count: 5678

More Liv fics here: Livita, Teething Problems,  Milestones and Memories, Mutual Comfort,  All That Matters

Reviews and reblogs are hugely appreciated!

Tagging: @brightpinkpeppercorn, @mrsmontoya, @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr, @quinnkellys-wife, @greengroove 

La Huerta, 2033

The sun slowly began to set, and a cool breeze came in from the sea. The reunion was in full swing, and Taylor, had found her way poolside, the traditional centre of all activity. The energy all around her was wonderfully refreshing after all the time she’d spent hiding herself away from the world; the sounds of the most familiar of voices as her friends caught up with one another, therapeutic. She was far too much of an extrovert to isolate herself; she knew that now.

Sitting down at the bar, it only took a few skilled flourishes of bottles before Raj was handing her a signature drink.

“It’s been a little while since I’ve had one of these,” she laughed. The joys of pregnancy. Worth it, but she’d be lying if she wasn’t a little relieved it was all over in time for the reunion. “Mm, that’s fruity! And just the right amount of kick to it. I say this every year, but you really do know me.”

“Another happy customer at the BhandarBar? You know there’s nothing I’d rather hear!” Raj beamed. He came around the bar and sat beside Taylor, sensing a need in her. “I feel like we haven’t hung out in ages-- last time I saw you, you had a baby on board. How has life been treating you, Taylor, my friend?”

“Oh, you know. My whole body gearing up for looking after baby, and then trying to tell it ‘no, that’s not what’s happening, here’; that’s been a bit of a challenge. My mood swings have been epic. I know she already did deserve one, but christ, Estela deserves a medal. Liv as well. I swear I’ve been like a walking hormone or something.”

“Well, if you need someone to lay it all on….”

He didn’t even get to finish. Taylor had her arms around him, hugging him tight. Where the tears were coming from now, she didn’t quite know. Maybe it was just a release of everything she’d been carrying these past months. But come they did, thick and fast.

“That’s it, bro. Let it all out. I’ve got plenty of shirts if you get boogers on this one--”

Taylor spluttered, laughing until she made herself choke and cough. “I don’t even know why I’m crying! That’s just me right now. A little bit useless.” Well, if you talk like that, you’re gonna be sobbing all night.

“You? Never. We have witnesses! You are definitely not useless. You just need a bit of Taylor Time right now. You’re allowed to take some Taylor Time.”

“For how long?” Taylor sighed. “Liv’s only nine-- sorry, nine and three-hundred-and-sixty-four days. That distinction is important to her. But she needs me. My body’s all geared up to be a mom, but with Liv I feel like I just can’t do anything. Some days I couldn’t even get out of bed.”

“Trust me. I’ve had those days. You know I’ve had those days. And listening when your mind and body need a rest isn’t a bad thing. If Liv was feeling the way you were, what would you have her do?”

Taylor pouted. “Who told you you could use my double standards to pep talk me? Fine! I’d tell her to be kind to herself. Every time.”

“So. What are you going to do?”

“Be… kind to myself,” Taylor said begrudgingly. Damn you, Raj. I can’t argue with that logic.

“We’re going to home-school Livi. For a year, use that time to reassess where we want to be in life. I’m a little nervous, but… I like that I’m going to be more proactive in her life. I’m glad I had Michael; having him was one of the best things I’ve ever done, but I want to be able to put my energy into Liv, and Estela, our little unit. Mostly, I’m excited. I am so, so ready to feel like a mom again.”

“Aw, Taylor-baby, you always were. But I getcha, sometimes you kind of lose a part of yourself in all that life throws up. And whatever life wants to throw at Liv, you guys got her back. She’s done all right for herself with you two.”

Exhaling, wiping away those stupid tears-- hadn’t she cried enough?-- Taylor nestled into a warm hug. Raj was a talented man, but no more so than in his ability to make everything feel all right. Together, her family had weathered many storms, and their bond would carry them through any still to come.

  _____________________________

La Huerta, 2027

 A resounding crack of lightning had Liv dive under the blankets, shaking in her Batman pyjamas. To her, it felt as though the storm had been raging for hours. Never had she heard the sky sound so angry. She burrowed under her Mama Estela’s arm.

“Mommy, it’s so loud,” she whimpered.

“I know, mija,” Estela said gently, stroking her four-year-old daughter’s hair. “But it can’t hurt us in here. Our house is strong and safe.”

The creaking of wood in the wind made Liv nervous. If the house was safe, why did it have to complain so much? Was it trying to scare her?

“It’s okay, Livi-sweetie,” Taylor soothed. “We’re all gonna sit this one out together.”

The family trio were sharing the big queen-size bed, Liv tucked up snuggly between her two mothers. There had been no talk of attempting to settle Liv in her own room; she was distressed, and that meant she could take security in the maternal bed.

As the howling wind became a frightening roar, Liv whined softly. At the foot of the bed, the little dog, Fenix, was sleeping soundly. Fenix didn’t have the best of hearing, which on this occasion struck Liv as quite lucky. The cat, Madam Mierdita, seemed more grumpy at the disturbance than frightened, growling and changing colours with every scary rumble.

“Hey, Liv,” Taylor said cheerily, hoping her easy tone would lessen the tension, “Knock, knock!”

Liv peered over the covers. Was now really the time? She’d humour her silly Mama Taylor. “Who’s there?”

“Europe.”

“Europe, who?” Liv asked, then her eyes went wide and she gave a shout of laughter. “Ha! You’re a poo, Mama Taylor!”

“No, you’re a poo!” Taylor chuckled. Saved, once again, by some good old fashioned toilet humour.

Estela rolled her eyes and shook her head exaggeratedly. “Oh, cariňa, you blow me away with your comedic wit.”

“Yeah!” Liv affirmed enthusiastically, apparently still oblivious to the art of sarcasm. “It was super funny!” She flinched at another crash of lightning, but didn’t hide under the covers.

“Well, my fan club, here comes another one!” Taylor smirked at Estela’s dramatic groaning. If it eased Liv’s fear, they could and would do this for hours. “Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?”

“I dunno, Mommy. W-why?” Liv asked, her voice wavering as a rumble of thunder seemed to shake the very earth. But if the world was ending, it would surely wait to hear the rest of Mama Taylor’s joke first.

“To get to the bottom!”

On queue, Liv squealed with laughter. “You said ‘bottom’!”

“You know, Taylor, I’m sensing a theme here.”

“Hey-- toilet jokes aren’t my favourite, but they’re a solid number two!”

“Dios mío! Why do I feel like I’m in for a long night?” Estela reached to tickle Taylor’s belly, which served to push Liv ever deeper into her giggle fit. She could never adequately express just how grateful she was that their daughter had that gorgeous dork to see her through the scary times. Don’t you ever change, mi amor.

The storm raged on. Cocooned together in their humble sanctuary, the small family saw it out-- or at least, Taylor and Estela did. Liv nodded off amid the thunder and the lightning, the wind and the rain… safe in her mothers’ arms.

 _______________________________

 La Huerta, 2033

 “Livi-- be careful!”

“I am careful!” Liv hollered down from a towering palm tree. She had everything under contro--

There was a thud, and the squeak of breath being forced from Liv’s lungs as she hit the ground hard.

“Ow.”

Taylor rushed over, but her view was quickly blocked by young Isla, who had gotten there first.

“Where are you hurt?”

“I’m not hurt, Isla. See?”

“Did you hit your head?”

“No.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Three.”

“Can you move all your arms and legs?”

“Yes!”

“On a scale of one to ten--”

Taylor cut in, feeling simultaneously relieved and incredibly fond of her friends’ little nurse in training. “Thanks, Isla, sweetheart. I think we’re good from here. Right?”

Liv scowled and jumped to her feet as if nothing had happened. “I’m fine, Mom.”

“Oh, Livita, foiled again by your old friend, gravity?” Estela laughed from her comfortable spot on the beach. She’d seen Liv through enough bumps and scrapes to know when there was nothing to worry about.

Taylor snorted, and ruffled Liv’s short hair. “Gravity’s a bitch. Try and respect her in the future, okay?”

Gravity wasn’t just a bitch. Gravity was Liv’s nemesis. A literal pain in her ass. Someday, Liv had decided, she was going to get a pilot licence like her Uncle Jake. That would teach bloody gravity.

A yell distracted Liv from her plotting.

“Hey, Livia! Livia!” Reggie hollered as he pelted up the beach. “The big tortoise came back! Diego said we can feed him! Quick!”

That got her attention. The past two years, the mighty Shore Guardian had lumbered into their midst during the reunion, and it had been an incredible thrill. In an instant, she was off and running.

“Liv, when I say to be careful…,” Taylor started.

“I know!” she called over her shoulder, “ Actually be careful. But you know I’m not scared of some old Shore Guardian, right?”

The tortoise was colossal. Built like a tank; the peak of his pyramid-like shell reached the height of a man. It had come as an immense relief to everyone when the creature started appearing on La Huerta’s shores, that he was of a docile and placid disposition.

“Helloooo there, Shelly!” Liv called, clambering up and over the rocks, a bunch of glowing flowers in her hand. “I brought you a snack.”

“See,” Diego said from his perch, overlooking the beast, “I told you he’d come back. He’s pretty smart. He must know that the reunion happens every year, and that the reunion means kids bearing flowers. I think you’ve started something, though-- the Vaanti kids are all over this guy when he hangs near Elyys’tel.”

“He’s less scary than the yeti-bear. I like the yeti-bear, but Mom and Mom say I’m still too young to give her a pat. Do you think I should make friends with the Sea Guardian next?”

The Sea Guardian was rarely observed. It was something like a plesiosaur with scales all the colours of the rainbow, and even after more than a decade since Cetus’ demise, it seemed as though the monster was only gettng larger. Sighting the beast was something of a badge of honour for young Vaanti, with the bolder among them daring to touch its back-- some even managing to take loose scales when the beast was shedding. There had only been a few serious injuries over the years, but the practice was largely frowned upon-- especially by those old enough to remember Cetus’ wrath. If there was one thing everyone agreed upon, it was that they did not want another Cetus.

Diego chuckled nervously. “Better stick to old Shelly. He appreciates your friendship.”

“Yeah, Livia, you should look after the friendships you’ve got,” Reggie said, huffing and puffing as he came over the ledge. “It’s not like you’ve got many.”

“Hey!”

“Was I insensitive again?” he asked sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“A little,” Diego said. “Why don’t you come closer and feed Shelly with Liv?”

Reggie eyed the hulking beast. “No… no, I’m fine just watching. A good scientist never interferes with wildlife. You know Jane Goodall used to feed chimps bananas? But that was like… years and years ago. Now we know that is not the best way to science.”

“Whatever, Reggie,” Liv laughed, “but don’t cry to me when I’m Shelly’s best friend.”

Down on the sand, Liv could feel the enormous presence of the giant tortoise as he towered over her, sniffing.

“Good boy, Shelly. You wanna flower?”

Diego watched her, ready to swoop down and pull her to safety if the beast appeared bothered. “Good job, Livi. Nice and slow so you don’t freak him out. Like… like you’re Hiccup and he’s Toothless.”

Liv chuckled, and peered into Shelly’s mouth as it gaped open to take a flower. “I think he is toothless.”

“Yeah, but I bet his hard mouth could break all the bones in your hand!” Reggie piped up.

“Shelly would never,” Diego assured. “He knows better than to bite the hand that feeds him.”

The tortoise gave a rumbling grumble of pleasure as he swallowed a flower.

“How have you guys been recently?” Diego probed, keeping it light, but knowing that life had recently been a rough ride for the kids. “I heard Maia moved schools; that kind of sucks. She was pretty great.”

She was pretty pretty, Liv thought, though she kept that to herself. “I’ve been really sad and lonely. But it’s all better now-- we’re all back here! No mean dumbasses. I wish Maia didn’t have to leave though.”

“I decided I don’t like getting in fights,” Reggie said. “I am now officially a pacifist. But… I guess I’ve gotta make exceptions if people are gonna say stuff about my sisters. They’re only little. They can’t stand up for themselves.”

“Better stick to fighting with your words, Reggie,” Liv said with a little smirk. “I have never seen such a weak-ass punch in my life….”

“Hey, I did pretty good!”

“If I hadn’t jumped in, they’d still be mopping you off the floor now,” she laughed.

“Well, maybe I’m better at more important things, like actually using my brain! You should try it sometime.”

“Okay, okay,” Diego intervened. “Easy, kids! You don’t want to freak old Toothless out.”

Liv looked up at Shelly. He was calmly chewing on the last flower she’d offered him, not batting an eyelid at the raised voices.

“Tio Diego,” she murmured. “Can I tell you something? And Reggie-- you can know too.”

“Of course, you can, Liv.”

“Well… it’s kinda… embarrassing. But I know you won’t laugh. Not when it’s important. I like liked Maia. I thought everyone would laugh at me if they found out I had a crush on a girl. I know it’s not something to be ashamed of, but I was still… too scared.”

“You’re telling us now-- that takes a lot of guts,” Diego told her. “It is scary. You never know how people are going to react. Most people are pretty cool these days, but it only takes one mean person to make you feel sad and small.”

Liv climbed back up onto the rocks to sit by her uncle’s side. “Yeah. Some of the kids already teased me about my moms. I thought there would probably be at least one mean person.”

“That’s fair,” Reggie concluded. “I mean, you’re probably right. If they were jerks about Erin, probably they wouldn’t be any nicer to you. They already think you’re kinda weird.”

Diego put an arm around his niece, and she leaned close. After all these years, he could always tell when she needed a hug. “Coming out and showing yourself to the world should always be on your terms. If you didn’t feel ready, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It means a lot that you feel comfortable enough to share with me.”

“Of course! You’re my tio. I can tell you anything. Even the things that are just silly and annoying… you listen anyway.” Liv sighed, and threw down her last flower to the great, lumbering tortoise, who scarfed it down eagerly. “I’m sad that Maia is gone. I thought eventually I’d be brave enough. I can be brave with stuff like protecting people who need help, but feelings are harder.”

“Feelings can be the absolute hardest. But we’re on your side, whenever you’re ready to share them. Me and Varyyn, and Reggie, and your moms. Your moms are so proud of you, you know? Being sensitive and caring can be tough, but those feelings are what make you strong. Your Mama Taylor told me you’ve been helping her get up every day when she’s been feeling really down. You make a difference-- a good one. You don’t have to be brave enough for everything all at once.”

“Thanks, Tio. You’re smart. No wonder you wrote like, two whole books. All teachers should be as nice as you.”

“Well, I do my best. And in the end, that’s all you really can do. Do you remember from Cinderella? ‘Have courage, and be kind.’ I’d say you’re both pretty good at that already.”

  ______________________________

La Huerta, 2031

 Seven-year-old Liv reached out her hands to a stricken bird as it flailed in distress. The sound of it being slammed against the window of the house by a larger, more aggressive foe had made her all but jump out of her skin, but if something might be hurt, she had to get over her fright quickly and help.

“Hello birdie…,”she cooed. Her fingers gently stroked the feathers on its back. It stopped flapping, but its breathing was laboured, as if it was struggling for air. Blood had risen from its eyes and nose. “It’s okay… I’m a friend.”

Gently, Liv scooped the wounded animal into her hands and cradled it, crouching over the grass in front of her home.

“Tio Diego! Varyyn! I need help!”

Of course, her uncles came running. They were never far away when tasked with keeping an eye on her; by now they were too well aware of her propensity for wandering into mischief not to be.

“Livita, are you okay--”

“Tio, she’s hurt. I think she’s gonna die. This great big bird got her and hit her against the window.”

Diego was pretty sure Liv had heard the talk about not touching wild animals, especially if they were injured and likely to lash out, but the reminder could wait. One look at the bird told him it was not long for this world.

“She is dying,” Varyyn confirmed, sadly. He exchanged a look with Diego. “It’s very sad… but we must make sure she doesn’t suffer.”

Liv sniffed. It wasn’t fair. This little bird used to hang around their home, foraging in the garden Mama Taylor had grown. They liked hearing her singing and calling to the other birds.

Varyyn squeezed Liv’s shoulder. “We’ll give her a minute to see if she fades away on her own.  Do you trust us to do what’s kind for your friend?”

“Yeah… but I don’t want to leave her. I think she’s less scared with me holding her.”

Diego put an arm around Liv. “That’s good. You’re making her feel safe. Everyone deserves that. Just keep talking to her, okay? Hopefully, she’ll go peacefully.”

“It’s okay, birdie,” Liv whispered. “You’re not alone now. You can go to sleep.”

The bird gave a few more rattling breaths, then was still.

“Tio Diego… I think she’s died.”

“Yes, she’s gone, mija. You did amazing.”

Liv wept, held by her uncles.

“Death is always hard,” Varyyn said gently, “even when it’s kind. You always feel the hole where there was once a life.”

“S-she shouldn’t have died! She wasn’t hurting anyone… o-or doing anything wrong… she was just in that other bird’s way.”

“I know. It sad, and it’s not fair at all. But you made her last moments so much better; that counts for a lot. Everyone dies sometime… all you can hope for is that you go feeling loved, and you made that happen. It’s like… the circle of life. Nature can be really cruel, but that doesn’t take away the good bits. This little bird probably helped lots of plants spread their seeds.”

“Yes. Even if your friend’s life was short; it had great value.”

Liv raised her head, eyes wide. “Her body becomes the grass, right? Like Mufasa said? She’s got to at least get to be part of the circle of life if she can’t live anymore.”

“Yeah… yeah, that’s pretty much how it works. If we leave her body somewhere nice where it won’t be bothered, she can feed the earth.”

“Okay. I wanna do that, then.”

A sombre procession carried the little broken body to the edge of the meadow. Liv laid the bird beneath a bush and draped her body with a fallen leaf. Then, she sat and looked over the resting place of her friend, tears filling her eyes. Varyyn was right; already there was a big empty hole. An echoey feeling right in her heart. Liv would miss hearing the bird’s chirruping as she played around the garden with her Mama Taylor. Hopefully, she’d remember that, not just this sad, sad feeling… of knowing she couldn’t protect an innocent, of seeing a life fade to nothing. Mama Estela told her that was important. That nothing should ever take away what was beautiful about something or someone once they’re gone.

She got to her feet, brushed off the dirt from her hands, then slipped one into Diego’s.

Bye, bye.

  __________________________

La Huerta, 2033

“Penny for yours?”

Estela sat down beneath an old familiar banana tree, settling beside Taylor, who appeared to be a million miles away.

“Oh… I was off in my own world, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, it looks that way. But you looked happy.”

“I am. Just being here has been a breath of fresh air. I feel like I’m me again, and it’s been a long time coming.”

Estela gave a contented hum and rested her head on her wife’s shoulder. “I’ve missed happy Taylor.”

“Well, thanks for sticking by and waiting out for her. Happy Taylor appreciates it.” Taylor chuckled at the sound of Estela’s quiet laughter. It was infectious. Hell, just Estela’s smile was like the embodiment of sunshine, it made coming out the other side of her dark cloud all the more glorious. “I think we’ve got our Livi back. Or I think we’re on the right track.”

“I know we are. It’s been a slow decline… I don’t think I even realised how miserable she’d gotten until I saw her snap back to how she should be.” Estela shrank in on herself. What excuse did she have? She had one job; to keep that kid happy. She didn’t have a war to contend with, or the struggle to get by between pay-checks, and she still couldn’t manage it. “I should have done better. I’ve been trying… I’ve been trying so hard… but somehow I couldn’t make everything better for her. Or you.”

“Don’t you even think about it! No.” Taylor pressed a fierce kiss to Estela’s temple. “We hit a few bumps in the road, that’s all. I wasn’t counting on an intense case of the baby blues… or what might actually have been full-on post-partum depression. The timing was unfortunate; really, it sucked. But you carried us through. When Liv got suspended and I couldn’t fucking stop crying because I just couldn’t handle it, you did handle it. You’re pretty great. Ask Raj; he gave me a magic pep talk earlier, I’m sure I could rope him into a repeat performance.”

“Thank you. You’re good at putting things in perspective, I’ll give you that. I know I set my bar too high. Just because Liv has her struggles, doesn’t mean I’ve failed… it means she’s a human being. And that’s probably what we were aiming for….”

Taylor giggled. “Godammit, my otherworldly influence has been foiled!”

“Actually, while we’ve got a chance to talk… I was speaking with Aleister earlier.”

“Yeah, I thought I saw you two hanging out.”

“Well, it seems like we’ve inspired him and Grace. Reggie’s not going back to that school next year either. It sounds like Livi’s gonna have a homeschooling buddy here on La Huerta!”

“Oh, wow! Ohmygod, that’s perfect! It’ll be just like old times; almost half the gang back home again. And… and the girls? Are they waiting a year, or are they going to teach them as well?”

“You’ll have to ask them, but it sounds like they’re going to get started with Erin and Immy. It’s going to be so good for Liv.”

“Yeah. Really that’s… that’s wonderful. God, I’m so happy right now!”

Estela found herself laughing. Her dork was back. She took Taylor’s hand. “And then, moving forward, Aleister says they’re considering a permanent move to San Trobida-- obviously under the assumption that we’ll be heading in that direction ourselves.”

“Oh my… holy crap!” Taylor flung her arms around Estela and hugged her tight. Something in her knew right away… yes, that’s right. That’s where we’re all meant to be. That gut feeling overshadowed any qualms or fears. “Tio Nicolas is really not gonna know what’s hit him, hey?”

“No; and I think it will be a dream come true.” Nestled in Taylor’s embrace, the scent of her mingling with the La Huerta sea air… it was, to Estela, the very essence of happiness. The excited yells of children at play had her look up over her lover’s arms; there was her Livita, piggybacking little Erin through the shallows while the terror, Immy, sent up wild splashes of water at their faces. It was time to try something new. For them.

“Aw, ‘Stel, just look at them!” Taylor snuggled in, a giddy grin on her face. She needed a change, and she had a feeling that for her, for Estela, for Liv… it would be a step towards their best lives. The year to come, and even beyond that, was to be a thrill ride of the most exhilarating kind, and they’d take it on hand in hand. She exhaled her fears and sadness, and let the wind carry them away. “I really love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too, Taylor. Forever.”

 _____________________

Midnight over the Celestial. Or rather, two minutes to midnight. The countdown to Liv’s tenth birthday was on, and the kids-- save for the two little ones who’d long been in bed-- were just about hanging onto the non-grumpy side of overtired.

Ten years. How could that even be? Taylor could see the years in her face and Estela’s, but it still could have been yesterday that they were interrupting the festivities with the announcement that… ‘uh, I think baby might be coming’. What had followed was a period of some of the most intense hours either of them had lived through, a culmination of two lives’ dreams and emotions. And at the end of it, Taylor had found herself holding in her hands the second love of her life. Her sunshine. As children do, Liv grew. She’d tested her mothers, putting pressure on their weak points and making them stronger. She’d brought them closer, something Taylor wouldn’t have believed possible… but sharing their daughter’s journey was like watching a miracle unfold; to be touched and changed was inevitable.

Michelle joined Taylor, a knowing look on face as they watched Liv’s impatient jiggling.

“Crazy night ten years ago… my one and only midwife job.”

Taylor chuckled. “Crazy, crazy night. The best night of my life. I don’t think I’m ever going to stop thanking you for getting us through.”

“Oh, you’re very welcome. Ten years on, it’s stuck with me. It’s amazing to see the young woman she’s growing into. I’m not going to lie, I’m proud of my small part in putting her in the world.”

That change was coming so fast. The transition from that rosy-faced bundle of cuddles into a bright, opinionated adolescent was going to be underway in no time at all. Even now, looking at that giggling ten-year-old, it was hard to imagine.

I’m going to embrace every moment. Every one. You, me, your Mama Estela, we’re on this adventure together. And I can’t wait to see where it takes us next.

Estela put her arms around Taylor from behind, smiling into her wife’s shoulder.

“Is it my birthday yet?” Liv asked, bounding over to them.

“One minute, mija.” She tugged Liv into the hug and covered her forehead in kisses. “Come here!”

The cake was unveiled, and the small girls, Isla, Erin and Immy, erupted into ‘ooh’s, while Liv did a dance in her mothers’ arms. Her family around her sang, all together, celebrating her milestone, and she knew belonging. She looked up to her mothers and grinned, face aglow with candlelight.

The future was bright.

[mostlycompetentwriter]

I Am You- Complete

Pairing: OC x Bang Chan x Jisung x Changbin (Stray Kids)

Genre: Romantic Fantasy

Warnings: Smut, Language, Violence

Word Count: 35,308 

Author’s Note: Hello, wonderful readers! I Am You is officially finished! I’d like to thank everyone who read the story and left a note or comment. It was really hard for me to put my writing on this site because I sorely lack confidence when it comes to my writing abilities. With that said, seeing how many people enjoyed the story was really validating. 

Also, the editing may be different in this full text because I tried to be responsible and use Grammarly's assistance.

Chapter One

Chan always treated me like I was something precious.

We were five years old when we met for the very first time. I remember clutching tightly to my mother’s leg while Chan stepped out from behind his parents to get a closer look at me. His eyes were a familiar blue, kind and warm, and he immediately scented the air. “She smells nice,” he told his mother, and the compliment softened my introverted shell. From that day on, we were nearly inseparable. 

Even our mothers had decided that we would be mates one day. “Chan is already sweet on her,” my mother would say, watching over the two of us. Chan liked to scent me, always curling into my side, when I was still somehow taller than him, burying his nose against the swollen gland. I would complain because his breath was hot and sticky, coating my skin with a light shimmer of moisture. 

We started school together with the other pups, holding hands when we walked into the classroom for the very first time. Apparently, the others thought it was weird, especially Jisung, who would mock Chan when he chose to paint with me instead of playing soccer outside. I didn’t like Jisung. He was rude and opinionated, and I hated how much Chan tried to impress him. 

Jisung’s best friend was a smaller boy named Changbin. Although quieter, all dark eyes and hair, he didn’t hesitate to join his friend in their endless teasing. Eventually, the teasing broke me and I cried for the very first time after Jisung managed to encourage the entire class to laugh at me when he read one of my poems out loud, voice high-pitched and mocking.

I was transferred to another class and, much to my displeasure, Chan started to spend more time with Jisung and Changbin. He would invite them over to his house, and I always left because I could barely stand being in the same vicinity. I became a loner, occasionally talking with some of the other girls, but mostly keeping to myself. 

By the time middle school came around, Chan and I had grown apart, joining different social circles. Chan was the third component to the mischievous and troublemaking trio that also consisted of Jisung and Changbin. They were always tormenting the younger pups, much to the chagrin of our teachers, and I did my best to stay off their radar. It was also around this time that our bodies slowly started changing. Chan finally grew taller than me, and Jisung and Changbin outgrew the cute roundness that most pups were born with.

High school further transformed our dynamic. It all started with Chan because the boy was absolutely heartbroken when his mother died. I remember being at the funeral, watching Chan from afar. He refused to speak at the ceremony, and I found him crying inside one of the bathrooms on the second floor of the viewing house. When I sat next to him, unhesitating in baring my neck, the blonde-haired boy had immediately touched his nose delicately to my scent gland. He pulled me into his arms and the two of us spent the next two hours talking, regrets and mistakes laid bare, until our souls felt as free as they had when we were children, reconciling like old acquaintances.

From that point on, Chan started spending a lot of time with me and we easily settled into our old friendship. It was wonderful, and I savored every second of our renewed bond. But Chan also insisted on maintaining his friendship with Jisung and Changbin, much to my displeasure. And Chan insisted we all get along, so I agreed to give the other two boys a chance.

However, I think Chan regretted that decision because Jisung and I butted heads at every opportunity. He was insufferable, whining about his parents forcing him to start patrols as if nobody else had to go through something like that. He was also irresponsible, and I didn’t understand why Chan liked him. Changbin was also difficult to like, especially since he remained silent most of the time, chattering softly with Chan and Jisung but always offering my questions and comments blank, dismissive stares.

And that was before Chan and I started sleeping together. 

It started when we both turned 16, and Chan complained to me about how painful his ruts could be. As an omega girl, I couldn’t really relate to his problems, but I had started getting my heats and figured the discomfort was comparable. We agreed to help one another, and I spent my first weekend in Chan’s bed, taking my first ever knot which was wildly uncomfortable, especially since Chan wasn’t in the right mindset to consider how it might affect me. 

However, when we returned to school on Monday, Jisung immediately picked up on our illicit activities. “You smell like Chan,” he said, tone accusatory. 

Jisung was furious when he discovered we had slept together. He was not only dismissive towards me, but he also ignored Chan as well. I personally didn’t care if Jisung ignored me, but I could tell it hurt Chan, so I confronted Jisung.

“You shouldn’t act like that,” I told him. “Chan is your friend.”

“He knew,” Jisung growled, frightening me a little with the heightened spicy element to his scent. “He broke our promise,” he insisted. I was confused by his anger because I had no idea what Chan could have done to hurt Jisung so much. 

Suddenly, my confusion was replaced by surprise when Jisung crowded me against the wall, leaning in abruptly to inhale deeply against my neck. “You shouldn’t smell like him,” Jisung continued and I stayed frozen in place, wincing when he roughly pressed his wrist against my scent gland, rubbing against the oily surface. 

Jisung seemed satisfied when he was finished, pulling away to scent the air again. “Better,” he muttered to himself.

After that day, Jisung was suddenly a lot nicer to me. He walked with me to my classes, offered to accompany me home after school, and he started bringing me a lot of random gifts: pencils and pens, paints and brushes, and even the little canvases I liked to use when I worked on my art. I never said anything because I figured this was his way of apologizing for the way he had acted before. Jisung certainly never apologized aloud.

It was also easier to tolerate Jisung when he acted like this and, on occasion, I even found myself laughing at the jokes he made or the funny, hyperactive way he liked to express himself. Of course, I reminded myself frequently about our childhood mishaps, the way Jisung would tease or ridicule me. “We were kids, Myah,” Chan would tell me. “Jisung grew up, we all did.”

But perhaps my biggest flaw was holding a grudge. 

It all came to fruition one afternoon while the three of us were eating lunch. I was quiet, suffering from some early cramping signaling my impending heat. I had applied scent blockers that day, hoping to disguise the sweet-smelling aroma from the rest of my classmates. It usually worked, but somehow Jisung was able to pick up on it. “You’re going into heat soon,” he bluntly said, and my cheeks blossomed with red, looking around to make sure nobody else had heard his observation.

“You can smell it?” I hissed incredulously, lifting my wrist to my nose, but finding myself unable to pick up on anything other than the dull, earthy scent of the blockers. 

Jisung cleared his throat, sheepishly glancing over at Chan as if looking for confirmation. Changbin was quiet as always, looking down at his food. “Myah,” Jisung started, catching me off-guard with the sincere use of my name. “I know heats can be painful to go through alone, so if you want, I could help you out?”

Jisung had surprised me before, but never to such an intimate extent. He was asking for permission to fuck me, not just once, but several times until my heat broke. It usually lasted for about three days, and that was a long time to spend with someone, especially considering the pathetic headspace I entered during my temporary fever-induced coma. “Why?” I asked, quickly looking over at Chan, expecting him to be outraged by the comment. But Chan was earnest, in that annoying way of his, and it felt like I was the only one who didn’t understand what was going on. “Chan already offered to help me out with my heats.”

I was trying to be nice for Chan’s sake. After all, there were a million other things I could have told Jisung, starting with our barely friendly acquaintanceship or the horrible way he had always treated me in the past. “I know,” Jisung replied, and he swallowed hard as if holding back his frustration. “But I’m offering to do you a favor.”

A favor? I finally snapped. “It wouldn’t be a favor from you,” I sharply retorted, “Why would you care anyway? I don’t like you, and I know you don’t like me. You’ve always treated me like shit, and you’ve always been there to embarrass me whenever you get the opportunity.” It dawned on me then that perhaps Jisung was mocking me again, embarrassing me now in front of Chan. “I don’t need you to keep putting me down,” I finally growled, my unregulated hormones adding aggression to my tone.

Jisung stood abruptly, and any further arguments dissolved when I realized that Jisung was crying, a tear trailing down the side of his cheek as he picked up his tray and stormed away. “That wasn’t nice, Myah,” Chan quickly chided me.

I turned my anger on him instead. “He was trying to embarrass me!”

“No he wasn’t,” Chan said, tone softening as his eyes scanned over my likely disheveled appearance. 

“Jisung likes you,” Changbin inserted, sighing as he picked up his tray. “It’s really obvious.”

I glared at Changbin’s retreating figure before turning on Chan, demanding answers. “Jisung has always been rude to me!”

Chan picked at his food, refusing to meet my gaze. “Jisung was trying to get your attention, but he was always afraid you would reject him, that’s why he acted so cold.”

“It doesn’t make sense,” I insisted, even as the memory of our strange bathroom encounter jostled itself into remembrance.

“He really likes your scent,” Chan supplied. “Alphas always like the scents of the omegas they see as potential mates.”

Mates? “We’re supposed to be mates, Chan,” I whined. 

Chan finally looked up, meeting my eyes with a serious expression. “Sometimes omegas can have more than one alpha.”

---------------------------------------------------------

Present

Hot.

I think I said it out loud, my voice hoarse from overuse, affected deeply by the intoxicating combination of our hormones. “I’ll take care of it,” he whispered to me gently, a contradiction to the heavy way he thrust into me, cock hitting deep inside.

“Feels good,” I said while inhaling his scent, a beautiful mixture of vanilla and something spicy, perfectly satisfying to my natural instincts. 

He ran his hand up and down the length of my thigh, wrapped around his slim waist securely, touch summoning hundreds of little bumps to rise along my skin. “Do you want a knot this time?” he asked, pressing delicate kisses along my collarbones.

“Jisung,” I moaned, voice catching on a lilt when I felt the base of his cock start to swell. “I need it, please.”

“Whatever my princess wants,” Jisung promised, and I felt my heart thud violently against my breastbone. I had always admired the way Jisung remained so controlled, able to vocalize coherently, responding to my pathetic pleas with kind assurances. I might tease Jisung relentlessly, as a recurring component to our dynamic, like telling him his cock could not compare to Chan or Changbin’s just to watch his eyes light with a familiar fire. But Jisung would always act so loving, even if he was rutting, and he more than made up for his size with his caring nature. His admirable ability to keep his alpha at bay, eyes remaining the same brown color that I loved, no matter what happened.

“It’s so good,” I pouted, tears flowing freely now, especially once his knot was fully engorged, keeping us locked together. My orgasm hit suddenly, after so much build and anticipation, forcing my eyes to close against the tide of pleasure. Jisung growled seductively into my ear, and I felt his release inside of me, warm and full.

I was gone, but Jisung, as usual, was fully present, moving us on our sides, arms wrapping around my waist as he scented me deeply. It was his tongue, wet and familiar, lapping over the bite mark he had left on my upper arm that brought me back. Jisung had been the second one to mate me, securing our bond together after such a long and tumultuous history. I was grateful to Jisung, his love was beautiful and adoring, and I usually went to him when my heats hit because he was always so careful.

It made Chan jealous because there was a time when I only wanted him to help me. But Jisung changed everything I knew about heats and sex, and all it had taken was a silly pinky promise we made in our school’s outdoor arena:

“Jisung,” I said softly, approaching the other male carefully. I felt guilty about how I had spoken to him at lunch, even if I felt it was deserved. Perhaps we both had things to work on. “I’m sorry.”

His shoulders tensed at my words, and that was the only acknowledgment I got as I took a seat next to him on the sidewalk. Jisung looked straight ahead, eyes still bloodshot and cheeks puffy, swollen from his tears. “Whatever,” Jisung grunted dismissively, refusing to look at me.

“I didn’t know,” I told him carefully. “I didn’t think you liked me. You’ve always been rude to me, so I didn’t know.”

We were both silent for a long time, and I pulled my knees closer to my chest, resting my chin on the perch I made. “I guess you wouldn’t know,” Jisung finally said. “I’m pretty stupid, right?”

“No,” I countered, scooting a little closer and reluctantly releasing a calming scent I knew would soften him. I just hated it because it would make the scent blockers less effective. I’d smell like heat for the rest of the day. But Jisung inhaled deeply. “We were both wrong,” I admitted. “I never really gave you a chance.”

“I made it hard for you to give me one,” Jisung said, looking deeply regretful. “I shouldn’t have asked to help you with your heat. I’m sorry.”

Hearing an apology from Jisung was about as rare as the blood supermoon. “You can help me if you want,” I said nervously, glancing at Jisung out of the corner of my eyes. “With my heat.”

Jisung stiffened, mouth falling open a little as he finally regarded me. “Really?”

“Yeah, it helps, you know,” I stuttered, “-to have a knot.”

It was Jisung’s turn to blush. “I- I can do that.”

“I hope so,” I teased him, and then I held up my pinky finger. “You can always ask in the future if you want. I promise I won’t yell.”

Jisung smiled, and it was one of the most sincere smiles I had ever seen. He wrapped his pinky around mine. “Okay.”

“Sweetheart,” Jisung purred now, “Are you okay?” I managed a nod, wincing a little as I shifted, his knot an unforgettable presence. “Careful,” he whispered.

“Sorry,” I instinctively apologized, my heightened omega instincts encouraging me to appease my mate.

Jisung found my obedience hilarious, teasing me around Chan and Changbin. “She’ll beg for it,” he once said proudly, wrapping my reluctant form into his arms. “But I always give my princess what she wants.”

“Sungie,” I purred happily, feeling my eyes grow heavy with the promise of sleep. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Myah,” he whispered back, nosing along my neck, accidentally brushing against Changbin’s mark. 

I felt my sadness return, remembering why I had forced Jisung to stay behind, even though he had been set to travel with Chan to a neighboring pack.

Changbin was ignoring me.

-------------------------------------------

Chapter Two

Changbin is volatile. 

His unpredictability has always been an obstacle in our relationship, even before he had accidentally mated me. It was a night I could never forget, especially considering Jisung and Chan’s outrage when they discovered us together. But it wasn’t Changbin’s fault, especially since he had always hidden his true feelings for me. And after years of holding everything back, the anticipated explosion did not turn out well for either of us. Yet, the dark-haired male was always sullen and quiet, and even after Jisung and Chan had both Declared, he still didn’t talk to me very much.

However, he always talked to other girls, and that really bothered me. I would always watch from a distance, observing with practiced patience how he would flirt with younger omegas. It was strange to be jealous, especially when I was sure Changbin didn’t like me. For example, back when the three of us were still in school, the boys would always beg for me to go to parties with them on the weekends. I relented because Jisung was absolutely adorable when he was drunk, clinging to me persistently. Thus, the four of us would always arrive together, but I remained silent because Changbin usually lost interest the minute I inserted myself into the conversation. On one such occasion, the pre-conditions were already different before everyone had even arrived:

“Your rut is close,” tipsy Jisung bluntly informed Changbin, wrinkling his nose in disgust. 

Changbin frowned. “You wanted me to come.”

Chan chuckled, holding me close to his chest, arms wrapped loosely around my waist as I nursed the sweet-tasting drink Jisung had brought for me. I had been trying to ignore Changbin’s scent all night. Unlike Jisung, I found his dark smell alluring, and it was taking a lot of effort to fight my instinct to bury my nose into the side of his neck. 

“They make scent blockers for a reason,” Jisung complained, eyes wandering over to me. I giggled at the sudden appearance of his smile, not protesting when he leaned in closer to scent me deeply. “I’ll just have to scent Myah instead.”

Chan let out a warning growl, apparently opposed to Jisung’s closeness. However, under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t even care if Jisung sought my attention, but I could also faintly detect Chan’s rut smell beneath his usual clean pine scent. 

Jisung pouted, leaning away to fold his arms across his chest. “Have another drink, Sungie,” I said, hoping to distract him. 

“Myah likes my scent,” Changbin suddenly announced, dark eyes appraising as they scanned over me. 

I was taken aback by Changbin’s forwardness, but also deeply embarrassed because he had promised not to say anything about my unfortunate comment, spoken out of term while I was under the influence of heat-induced hormones. You see, it had happened a few nights before my heat was set to break and Chan and Jisung had left me alone with Changbin to talk with a teacher after school. Changbin was mindlessly looking through a textbook when I leaned in closer, apparently not used to such close proximity. “You have a nice scent,” I had told him, only remembering our precarious relationship moments later, lost in mortification. 

I was slightly furious that Changbin had chosen now to speak up. “When did she say that?” Jisung asked, latching on to this new piece of information, as he always did.

“Cute,” Chan remarked, pinching my scarlet-red cheeks. 

“I didn’t mean it,” I protested, glaring in Changbin’s direction. “I was close to my heat.”

Changbin’s returning smile could only be described as arrogant. “You don’t have to lie, Myah. Other girls have told me the same thing.”

“Why don’t you go bother those other girls, then?” I asked him petulantly, overwhelmed by Jisung’s teasing, Chan’s incessant cooing, and the unfamiliar dark look in Changbin’s eyes.

“Only if you won’t get jealous,” Changbin rumbled, standing up to his full height, stretching out his arms above his head. I tore my eyes away from the wonderful flex of his biceps.

“He doesn’t mean anything by it,” Chan told me once Changbin was out of earshot. He probably picked up on my crestfallen expression. 

“He’s close to rut,” Jisung added, somehow managing to rest his head on my lap without my noticing.

However, my worsening mood was solely attributable to Changbin’s distraction, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him for the remainder of the night. It didn’t help that I saw him everywhere like he was trying to stay on my radar. He leaned into Omega girls, whispering sweet flirtations into their eager ears. He let them touch his arms, scandalous fingers testing the area over the front of his sinfully tight jeans. 

I was losing my mind, even with Jisung and Chan clinging to my arms. In fact, both of my future mates sought my attention and, at one point, I was situated in Chan’s lap, chasing his lips with intoxicating kisses. I had my eyes closed, tasting the inside of his mouth with my tongue, before leaning into his neck, scenting him in a way I normally wouldn’t do in public. But then I opened my eyes and found myself ensnared with Changbin’s impenetrable gaze. He had a petite blonde in his lap, running his teeth along the curve of her neck, even as his attention remained focused on me.

I shivered, feeling my scent spike as I followed the path of Changbin’s tongue, knowing he wanted me to watch. Chan shifted under me, and I could feel his erection through his pants. Apparently, the spike in my scent affected him more than I thought, and his rut scent was even more apparent. Jisung was the one to pull us apart, lecturing Chan on the dangers of going into a premature rut cycle.

I slipped away quietly while they argued, picking up Changbin’s scent easily. I followed it through the woods, admiring the quiet of the evening before a loud, exaggerated moan disrupted the tranquility. I should’ve known better than to follow it, especially as Changbin’s scent grew stronger. Still, I was completely unprepared to see him with another girl, body completely pressed against hers. 

“Where are you going?” he asked before I could turn back around.

I froze in place, watching him pull away from the other girl. His dark eyes were completely black, blown out with the influence of his obvious arousal. I glanced away quickly when I realized the girl’s top was missing. “Binnie,” she pouted, shaking his arm.

“Get lost,” he growled at her, and I looked up only when the other girl had stormed past me, making sure to hit her arm against mine.

“Are you following me?” Changbin teased, entire demeanor shifting as he sauntered over to me with a distinctly alpha posturing. 

“Your rut,” I informed him as if he wasn’t obviously aware.

“Yeah,” he agreed, grabbing my arm and pulling me against him. “You could help with that.”

“Changbin,” I started, losing all ability to speak when he started to scent me. It was a foreign sensation, as the only two male alphas who had dared touch the area were Jisung and Chan. I withheld a moan as one of his hands gripped tightly to my hair, wrenching my head back so that he could have better access to my scent gland. He let out a low, throaty growl, allowing his other hand to grab my ass, pulling me impossibly closer. I could feel his hard erection against my thigh.

He instinctively rutted his hips, as if to make sure I could feel all of him. “You aren’t used to that are you?” he asked and I was stunned by the bright red tint to his eyes. “I’ve seen Jisung and Chan in the locker room before. Do you even notice it when they’re fucking you?”

I moaned at his words, losing myself in the thick cloud of Changbin, his scent hanging in the air between us, summoning my basest instincts. “Are you gonna be good for me?” he continued, hands gripping my thighs before lifting me off the ground, forcing my legs to wrap around his waist. My back collided against the rough bark of the tree behind us, enough to temporarily knock the breath out of my lungs. 

Changbin’s scent grew thicker, and I knew he had entered his rut prematurely. I also knew how dangerous that could be, especially for alphas like Changbin: purebloods who were more in-tune with their inner wolves compared to most people, often losing out to their instincts in situations like this. But I had never been around an alpha like Changbin, and I was unable to grasp a single shred of rationality against his thick, blanketed rut smell.

He wanted to bite me too, I could tell from the way he insistently mouthed at my scent gland, tongue pressing against the swollen tissue, forcing more of the oily secretion to leak freely. “Changbin,” I managed, lost in a haze, half-heartedly pushing against his broad shoulders. 

He effortlessly muscled me to the ground, crawling over my weakening body, looking every part of the predator. “You want my knot?” he snarled, pushing my dress up my legs, leaving my lower half almost completely naked, save for the delicate lace protecting my modesty. But Changbin wasn’t deterred, removing the barrier before reclining back onto his knees, fingers quickly working apart his belt. “Tell me you want me, angel.”

The nickname appealed to every base Omegan instinct I had. 

“I do,” I groaned, tears beginning to fall because everything was overwhelming and left me completely distracted.

Suddenly, I instinctually arched my back, ignoring the awkward twist in my neck when he roughly penetrated me. I found out quickly that Changbin wasn’t a liar, his cock was considerably thicker compared to Jisung or Chan. It filled me with an almost painful stretch, partly because of the suddenance by which he had entered me, without warning or preparation. And his jeans were down just enough to release his cock, and the rough material was rubbing harsh red burns into the delicate skin of my thighs. “Changbin,” I whined. “It hurts.”

He grunted from above me, his pace slowing down, even if the exertion from doing so was evident in the contorted set to his mouth. But his knot was swelling fast, his rut state encouraging his body to fill me as quickly as possible and breed me full of his pups. In the heat of the moment, Changbin ignored everything except his alpha instincts, leaning down to bury his teeth into my scent gland. I was unprepared for the accompanying pain, letting out an uncharacteristic scream as he bit down, almost like he was trying to rip out my throat instead of leaving a mating bite.

And that’s how Jisung and Chan found us, locked together by Changbin’s knot, with blood streaking down the side of my neck.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Present

My most recent heat ended the next morning. It gave Jisung no reason to stay behind any longer. I insisted on seeing him off, allowing him to fuss over my outfit, complaining that I would be cold in my thin sweater. “Changbin will look after you,” Jisung said, appearing satisfied after adjusting his scarf around my neck, enveloping me in his sweet scent.

No, he won’t, I grumbled to myself. Because Changbin had been ignoring me for a whole week now, ever since his rut had ended. I always asked to help them through their ruts and Changbin was always hesitant to accept, ever since the night he mated me during the height of his passion. He never forgave himself for the unorthodox way he had done so, no matter how many times I told him that I had already moved on.

But Changbin had surprisingly accepted my most recent proposal and we had been locked away in his room for almost an entire week. Unfortunately, my body had grown exhausted with keeping up, as his heightened sex drive was impossible to satisfy. We had agreed not to knot again, but Changbin had been lost in the moment, a victim to his heightened alpha instincts. Changbin had accidentally forced his knot inside, even though my body had resisted. I was stuck in the infirmary overnight and the next morning, Changbin wouldn’t so much as look in my direction.

Jisung didn’t help matters, lecturing Changbin relentlessly while Chan refused to leave my side, coddling me like I was moments away from death rather than healing from a mundane injury. And Changbin always took things too seriously, so he was barely present in our camp, choosing instead to go on long hunts, leaving at dawn and returning well past nightfall. I was beyond irritated with the grumpy alpha, missing the calming effect of his dark scent. After so much time apart, our mating bond was suffering.

“Chan and I will be back in a few days,” Jisung continued, pressing a sweet kiss to the tip of my red-tinted nose. 

I pouted, knowing I would suffer without their affection, especially when Changbin made it clear that he wouldn’t bother. “Sungie,” I complained, wrapping my arms around him. I scented him deeply, hoping to at least remember the sweet vanilla for the remainder of the day.

“Princess,” Jisung gently pushed me back. “This isn’t like you.”

I’ve never been alone to suffer through Changbin’s moods, I wanted to tell him, but I knew it would only lead to more lecturing, and Changbin hated me enough. “I’m sorry,” I said, cursing my stupid omega emotions as the threat of tears burned the corners of my eyes. 

I spent the rest of the day locked in my room, scenting the sweaters Jisung and Chan had left behind for me. Chan’s scent was already starting to fade, which really upset my wolf more than I was expecting. Jisung and Changbin were so important to me, and I loved them more than anything else, but they did not reach me as deeply as Chan continued to do. Our bond had the most history, and our mating fulfilled even the deepest void of my soul:

I was already mated to Jisung and Changbin. They had left their respective marks on me. Jisung had insisted not long after the incident with Changbin. He waited until my next heat to mark me, choosing to place his bite further away from Changbin’s, on the fleshy part of my upper arm, easily hidden away by sleeves. I was surprised he had chosen such a spot as I figured Jisung would be the one to bite my neck, to proudly show off his mark, but Jisung continued to surprise me.

Changbin was slowly opening up to me, especially now that our shared bond allowed me to know how he was feeling before he was even aware. He still hated how it had happened, but I tried my best to show him that I would never hold that against him. I came to realize that Changbin and I were very much alike, introverted personalities aside. Changbin was very loyal, and he was always ready to defend me, which the submissive part of my instincts adored.

But I was still waiting for Chan to declare his Intention. Each day without a word on the subject concerned me. “He’s just waiting for the right moment,” Jisung tried to assure me.

And I thought the right moment would be Chan’s rut, but the alpha refused me when I asked to spend it with him. It hurt a part of me that only Chan could access, and the refusal weighed heavily during each subsequent day during which I knew Chan was suffering. Since Jisung was out of town, I snuck into Changbin’s bed, readily drowning myself in the alpha’s heady scent. “I know what you’re doing,” Changbin said, gently gliding his nose along my jawline. “I don’t like being a distraction.”

Well, sometimes the bond was annoying.

After an entire month passed with no word from Chan, I decided to confront him myself. Our graduation was nearing, and there was a lot to figure out with our situation. As my mates, Jisung and Changbin could choose to enter a new pack or start one of their own. I wouldn’t be inclined to have any say in the matter, as tradition dictated, and I knew the pair had been talking about forming their own pack. But leaving Chan behind was a scary thought, so I was growing desperate.

I cornered him after classes one day, reciting my monologue in my head so I wouldn’t forget a single word. “Chan,” I addressed him, “Can we talk?” The blonde-haired alpha let out a vague, noncommittal noise as he continued to mess around in his locker. “Jisung and Changbin have already done it,” I said, letting out a deep breath. “We’re already Declared and I know we’ve talked about Intention before. I think it might be nice to mate before school ends.”

Chan barely glanced up. “I can’t talk about this now, Myah. I have something to do after school.”

“Chan-” I tried again, but the alpha had already moved on, shutting his locker door before leaving me alone in the hallway.

----------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3

“Have you seen Changbin?” I asked Felix, watching the younger alpha absent-mindedly skin the deer laid out on the table in front of us.

“I think he’s hunting,” Felix replied, frowning as he let out a disgusted sound. “It would be nice if he could skin his own kill every once in a while.”

“He’s always hunting,” I huffed in frustration.

Felix shrugged, “He’s probably not far out. He just left like fifteen minutes ago. You can probably catch up to him if you need something.”

I immediately heeded Felix’s suggestion, shifting forms carefully, as it had certainly been a while since I last allowed my wolf to takeover. However, I knew it would be much easier to catch up to Changbin with a better nose, relying purely on smell to find my tsundere mate. And I picked up on his trail fast, following his scent slowly while I still felt unsteady on the four legs replacing my usual two. I really needed to run more with Jisung when he offered. It was almost embarrassing how out-of-touch I felt with my hyper-active wolf, especially after experiencing yet another clumsy fall along the mountain rocks. 

I was fully committed to shifting every day.

Thankfully, I found Changbin quickly, distracted by the small doe grazing a hundred yards or so away. I waited patiently, making sure my scent was down-wind so that he couldn’t possibly blame me if he missed this kill. But Changbin was the pack’s best hunter, and he tracked down the unsuspecting creature with startling astuteness. 

It was as he was dragging the doe back down the cliffside that he spotted me. His dark brown wolf let out a grumpy growl as he walked over to where I waited. He let the prey fall from his mouth, regarding me with a look that I could only describe as reprimanding. 

I heard his voice speak clearly through our mind-link. “You shouldn’t be out here.”

I refused to back down. “You’re always hunting these days. How else was I supposed to talk to you?”

Changbin’s wolf was imposing as he stood over me. He was bigger than most wolves, and he exuded power and dominance. “Go back to camp.”

I watched as he leaned back down to pick up the doe. “Will you talk to me tonight?”

“I’m hunting late.”

I let out a sharp bark, racing ahead to block his path. “Why are you ignoring me?”

“Don’t act like this, Myah.” 

“I don’t understand why you can’t talk to me. Are you really going to punish me for something I already forgave you for?”

He bullied his way past me. “It’s dangerous up here. Now go home.”

Stung by his disregard, I obeyed his order, starting back down the path with much less spring than I had before. I glanced back over my shoulder at the big alpha, wondering if Changbin knew how much he was hurting me. 

But distractions were never a good thing on the mountain, and I heard the switch before I felt its claws. Unfortunately, I had failed to keep an eye on the path in front of me, as Changbin had constantly warned me about, but that didn’t make it any less shocking. Which is probably why, at first, the pain from the trap didn’t register over my surprise. But then I felt it deeply when I saw the blood. I let out a pained howl, instinctively trying to pry my leg away from the source of my pain. It only worsened the situation, the sharp edges digging brutally into my flesh. 

“Don’t move!”

I heard his command before I could scent him, but Changbin was suddenly there, burying his head into the side of my neck, releasing soothing alpha pheromones even as the pain grew to an unbearable level. I fell to the ground, craning my neck around to look at my mangled leg, bits of flesh and blood amidst the silver trap. I saw fingers next, faintly realizing Changbin had shifted to his human form, working at the trap.

Then I heard the mountain lion’s growl.

----------------------------------------------------

“I think Channie hates me,” I complained to Jisung, watching the alpha move about his room, a towel wrapped messily around his waist.

“Chan doesn’t hate you,” Jisung chided gently, digging for a pair of sweatpants out of his closet. 

“What did I do?” I asked, ignoring Jisung as I rolled onto my back, looking up at the ceiling.

“Chan’s just stressed,” Jisung said. “He’s got a lot of decisions to make.”

“Mating shouldn’t be a difficult decision,” I muttered because it was true. In fact, mating should be easy with the person you love.

“Don’t be impatient,” Jisung said, suddenly appearing above me. “Chan always thinks about everything too much, you know how he is.”

“It shouldn’t require any thinking,” I said, letting out a whine of protest when Jisung moved onto the bed, crowding me into the mattress. I broke off only when I was wrapped in Jisung’s arms, secure against his strong chest. His vanilla scent surrounded me, and I could tell he was releasing calming pheromones, which I appreciated.

“Everything will work out in time,” Jisung whispered, pressing a tender kiss to the side of my temple.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Changbin!” I cried out through the bond, watching the mountain lion creep closer, likely smelling my blood in the air.

Changbin managed to open the trap and I whined as I pulled my leg free. “Can you shift?” he asked me, but I was in too much pain to concentrate so I shook my head, desperately trying to push myself onto all four legs, but collapsing back down each time. The mountain lion growled, haunches raised in an attack position. Changbin shifted back easily, his intimidating wolf forcing the lion to briefly reconsider its plan. “Don’t worry,” Changbin said, using the mind link to offer me calming reassurances.

I threw back my head to howl, hoping our other packmates could hear the call. Unfortunately, it also prompted the lion into action and it launched itself at Changbin. I watched in horror as it wrestled Changbin to his back, exposing his soft underbelly and tender throat. The sound of its claws slashing through fur and flesh was revolting and my stomach churned dangerously. Changbin fought back, using his hind legs to push the lion off, reclaiming an upright position before chasing after the lion, nipping at its weaker tendons. The lion stumbled on the loose rocks and Changbin brought it down, tearing into whatever flesh his teeth could sink into.

I looked away from the gruesome scene, calling out for Chan and Jisung through the mating bond, but they were probably too far away to hear my pleas. Instead, I let my wolf take control, and she slowly started limping us over to the coverage of the bushes, hoping to disguise the scent of our blood. However, the lion did not like her decision, losing sight of its easy prey. He managed to throw Changbin off, and I winced as his body crashed into the side of the rocks. I tried to throw myself forward but let out a pained yelp when I felt the lion’s teeth dig into my leg, pulling me away from my destination. 

I whined loudly, panting hard against wave after wave of pain, my flesh wound reopened by the lion’s unforgiving teeth. We started down the slope and I knew I was going to die. The lion would easily drag me somewhere it was familiar with, ripping into my throat before using my carcass as its meal for the next several days. I was poisoned with fear, watching my life slowly drain out onto the rocks around me.

But Changbin hadn’t given up, and the lion was unprepared for Changbin to attack again. My mate managed to wrestle the lion into a precarious position of weakness, immediately going for its throat and locking his teeth around its pulse point. I faintly observed Changbin pulling back with a large chunk of flesh between his teeth, my vision swimming in and out of focus. I did register Changbin’s dark scent, and his familiar voice trying to reach out to me, even as the blackness finally claimed me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I knew Chan was going to break up with me. I could tell by his posture, by the distinct way he was hunched in on himself, doing no favors to his taller height. He was also unusually quiet, taking me by the hand to lead me to the meadow where we always played together as children. The one his mother had taken us to for the very first time when we were barely five years old. It was a special place full of meaning and Chan knew how important it was to me, how I always felt calmer when I was surrounded by the familiar daffodils.

He wanted me to be comfortable because the news he was going to deliver would likely break my heart. This was all I could think about when Chan finally turned around to face me, eyes distant and sorrowful. “Myah,” he said my name, and my heart reached out to him. “Do you love Jisung and Changbin?”

I was thrown by the unexpected question. “Of course I do.”

“You know they’ll always take care of you, right?”

Chan’s questions seemed misplaced. “What are you talking about?”

Chan sighed, stuffing his hands into the pocket of his jacket. “Jisung and Changbin are starting their own pack, you know.”

I nodded because it was usually all Jisung talked about. He was beyond excited to lead his own pack, and Changbin was relieved to get away and start his own family. Felix would be joining, along with several of their friends: Seungmin, Minho, Hyunjin, Jeongin, and Woojin. I was excited too because I adored the idea of starting something new, especially with my mates by my side. 

But that needed to include Chan as well.

“My father wants me to stay here,” he finally said. “He wants me to lead our pack in the future.”

I immediately shook my head. “You have to come with us, Chan. Jisung and Changbin are your best friends, and I-”

“I’ll get in the way,” Chan interrupted. “You already have two mates, Myah. They both adore you.”

“But I need you too,” I protested, squeezing our intertwined hands. “You mean so much to me, Chan. We’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“I know,” Chan agreed, pausing to look around, a nostalgic smile on his face. “We got into a lot of trouble together, but that was a long time ago. We both have to start considering our futures.”

I stepped in closer, eliminating more of the space between us, even though it still felt like it wasn’t enough. “My future means nothing without you in it.”

Chan’s expression softened. “I can’t do that to you.”

“You’ll break my heart,” I warned him. “You’ll hurt me and you promised you wouldn’t.”

“Not if you don’t let me,” Chan said. “You deserve a long life, Myah, with Jisung and Changbin.”

“With you,” I insisted earnestly. “Chan, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have Jisung or Changbin.”

“But you do have them,” he said. “You’ll always have them.”

He tenderly reached out, thumbing his way across Changbin’s mark on my neck. “But I need your mark.”

“It’s too much.”

“Not it’s not!” I disagreed, clutching even more tightly to him, feeling like he might vanish at any moment. “Chan, you made a promise to me! You can’t say these things. Please don’t leave me.”

I was starting to panic and Chan picked up on it, releasing more of his soothing scent which I consumed greedily, faced with the possibility of never having it again. “I’ll visit when I can.”

“It won’t be the same,” I trembled, disregarding the space he tried to maintain, collapsing into his arms.

“You’ll move on.”

“No, I won’t,” I insisted, leaning up to scent him. “Why are you doing this? Why bother even promising it to me if you never planned on keeping it?” 

He winced as if my comment caused him physical pain. “At one point, I did intend to keep it, but then you mated with Jisung and Changbin. I could see the change in you, the way you looked happier around them. You really don’t need me anymore, Myah. It’s just hard to let go of the past.”

My tears were soaking through his t-shirt, but I knew Chan didn’t care. “If you leave me, I’ll miss you every day. You’re my best friend, Chan. My soulmate.”

“Be good for me,” he whispered into my hair. 

“Stop it!” I harshly interjected, abruptly pulling out his arms, startling both of us. “Stop saying that you’re leaving. If you really loved me, then you would stay.” Chan was at a loss for words, opening his mouth before closing it again. “I don’t care about our pack now,” I continued, “I care about the one I’m building, and I refuse to be a part of it without you. How can you not understand how much you mean to me? I don’t just want you, Chan, I need you! I depend on you for so much and if you left, I’ll be completely empty, because you won’t be there to fill those places anymore.”

I was incoherent, tasting my salty tears as I shook my head vigorously, refusing to acknowledge Chan’s words. Empty threats, that’s all they were. Chan had been mine from the moment we met, and nothing would ever tear us apart. No matter how many people came between us, or how many fights we got into, or how he could ever think we’d be able to live without one another. Chan caught me in his arms before my knees gave out and he brought us both to the ground, holding me close as I cried against his chest. “What can I do to convince you?” I pleaded with him. “I’ll do anything.”

For a while he was quiet and I continued to sob those terrible soul-wrenching cries that jarred the places inside of me that was frightening. Dark places I tried to hide away, like the evil voice that sometimes whispered that I wasn’t good enough for any of them. That voice might be right, but I always did my best. I would always fight for them.

Finally, Chan gently encouraged me to lean back, drying my tears with his sleeves. He picked up my wrist, brushing his lips across the blue-colored veins decorating the surface of my creamy skin. “Shall I do it here?” he asked, glancing up at me with eyes that reminded me of home.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I could only smell Changbin when I woke up, dizzy with the after-effects of restless sleep. His scent was spiked with fear. It was enough to pull me back to consciousness, and I blinked against the blinding white light infiltrating my line of vision. “Ah,” a familiar voice spoke. “You’re finally awake?”

I glanced over at Woojin. “How long have I been out?”

“A day or so,” he replied, “But I think it was the trauma. Your leg will take some time to heal.”

I sat up slowly, listening to Woojin’s advice while leaning back against the bed frame. “Is it really bad?”

“I’ve seen worse, but that was back during my training. You’re the first real injury we’ve had in the new pack.”

“That sucks,” I said, and Woojin chuckled. 

“Your mates have been worrying all night,” Woojin informed me. “I couldn’t get Changbin to leave. His scent was everywhere.”

“I can smell it,” I acknowledged. “But when you say mates-”

“Felix freaked out,” Woojin said, rolling his eyes. “He and Seungmin ran all the way to the border, and I’m sure they made it sound far worse than it actually was.”

“That was an important meeting,” I said. “They shouldn’t have done that.”

“Well, Felix is young, and it’s hard to be in your right mind when the third in command is running around nearly hysterical. I had to give Changbin some morphine, his body was halfway between wolf and human. It wasn’t pleasant to see.”

“Great,” I muttered because I didn’t like the idea of everything falling apart over me.

“They can return to the northern lands later,” Woojin said as if he knew exactly what I had been thinking. “I’m sure Taeyong would gladly welcome back Chan and Jisung. He has a mate of his own and understands how it feels to be away when they’re hurt.”

“I can’t really move it,” I said, frowning at my immobile leg. “Is that normal?”

“It’s the cast,” Woojin explained. “Do you feel well enough to talk to your alphas?”

I groaned at the idea of dealing with their high-strung whining, mothering me to the point where I felt suffocated. Woojin grinned. “I can tell them you’re still sleeping.”

“Maybe for tonight,” I agreed.

Not because I didn’t love them, of course, but because they could turn into an absolute nightmare when their alpha instincts insisted I was on my deathbed as opposed to a sterile hospital cot frowning down at my cast. 

It would be a long recovery.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I could feel Chan everywhere. 

I tried not to wince at the pain, instead of focusing on the growing bond, ignoring the way his teeth sank into my wrist, eyes bright with a vivid orange color. Instead, I only thought about Chan and it made the pain bearable. I thought about his lovely hair, naturally curly, thick strands soft between my fingers. I thought about his gorgeous eyes or the wicked slope of his nose. I thought about his handsome features, and how his smile completely eclipsed even the lowest of my moods. I thought about his warm voice and familiar scent, the rich smell of pine that reminded me of my childhood.

I thought about the way Chan made love to me, treating me like I was fragile. His body covering mine, sheltering me under his protective form. His soft kisses drawing small moans, encouraging him to give more. His pulsing cock inside of me, filling me to the brim with all the love he could give. A special kind of love incomparable to the way I felt with Jisung or Changbin.

Because Chan was encompassing. He was everywhere, present at all the points in my life I could remember, good or bad. And he filled all my empty places, the darkest parts of myself that I hated, but he managed to bring light to them all. He was everything I needed to feel complete, marked by three alpha wolves who would do absolutely anything my heart desired.

I was finally me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 4

I was losing my mind, and it was because of my three alpha mates.

I had yet to have a moment to myself in nearly a week, always shadowed by Jisung or Chan or Changbin. They hovered around me, tending to me like I was a child instead of the woman they regularly had sex with. I was beyond annoyed with their behavior, growing restless because every time I attempted to stand up, one of them was always there, lifting me into their strong arms. “Where to Myah?” or “Where are we going Princess?” or “Where do you want me to take you, Angel?”

My leg was practically healed. Woojin had even said so, coming to my room and updating my prognosis, now merely a long scar, nodding to himself slowly. “It’s almost healed,” he declared. “You should be fine, Myah.”

All three of my mates let out collective sighs like it was the most anticipated news of the century. “Woojin, I can start walking again, right?”

“Maybe soon, Myah.”

I tried not to sigh because Woojin wouldn’t have known that I required a straight answer. His response was vague enough to likely convince Jisung that I would be out of commission for another week. “What about more antibiotics?” Jisung fretted now, digging through Woojin’s bag. “Did you bring any?”

Woojin snatched his bag away from Jisung, glowering in his direction. “She doesn’t have an infection.”

“I can still smell it,” Changbin insisted, scenting the air with a studious expression that I would normally find hilarious under any other circumstances.

“Maybe another dosage wouldn’t hurt,” Chan added, perched on the edge of my bed, fingers running through my hair while he ignored my frown.

“It’s unnecessary,” Woojin insisted. 

“What about more pain killers?”

“Should it still be elevated?”

“Will it be okay in the water now?”

Woojin’s eyes widened, glancing between my three mates with evident exhaustion. “Honestly, some time away from the three of you would be best for Myah.”

Jisung protested immediately, launching into a long tirade about how Woojin wouldn’t understand how they felt since he didn’t have a mate of his own. And Jisung’s more spirited lectures tended to last far longer than necessary, so I somewhat eagerly awaited for Woojin’s inevitable breaking point. However, perhaps graciously, the sudden appearance of Felix interrupted Jisung’s passionate speech. “Chan,” the younger asked, glancing at me with uncertainty as if he wasn’t sure he could deliver his news with me present. “Another messenger from the NCT pack visited. They’d like to reschedule your meeting soon.”

“Impatient,” Chan grumbled. “Maybe in another week.”

I was ready to protest, knowing another week would be unnecessary. However, Felix beat me to it, supplying another idea that I wasn’t exactly too fond of either. “What if we asked NCT to come here instead?”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Jisung agreed, reaching over to ruffle Felix’s hair. “Nice job, kid.”

Felix frowned, giving me an apologetic look before closing the door. Meanwhile, Woojin was whispering quietly to Changbin, and their eyes kept roaming in my direction. What else was I supposed to think they were talking about?

I glared down at Chan and Jisung as they started crawling into bed on either side of me, snuggling against my sides. “Are you tired, Princess?” Jisung asked, leaning in to scent me.

Thanks to you guys, I wanted to say, but withheld the urge, managing a small nod to satisfy them. “I’ll come to check on you tomorrow, Myah,” Woojin said, and my eyes sorrowfully followed him all the way out the door, groaning when I heard Changbin announce it was time for another bath.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to be with my mates when we formally greeted the NCT representatives, but they forced me to stay in bed. I was a little heartbroken because I had been looking forward to meeting new faces. It was always exciting when new scents were around. Thankfully, kind-hearted Amelia, Hyunjin’s beautiful Omega mate, was keeping me company. The usually soft-spoken female was chattering openly about the unexpected size of the NCT diplomats. Apparently, Chan was very unhappy having so many foreigners around. “Do they have accents?” I asked.

Amelia giggled. “Some of them do. Not all of them are from the north, apparently.”

“I want to see them,” I sighed, glaring at my leg. “I hate being bedridden.”

“Maybe I can help you sneak out?” Amelia suggested mischievously. 

I briefly entertained the idea. “There’s no way I can get past three alphas. Especially Changbin, he’s too good at catching my scent.”

Amelia pouted, sharing my disappointment. “There’s a big dinner tonight to welcome them. Maybe you can convince them to let you go.”

But even such a simple request was like pulling teeth. 

“Please Channie,” I pleaded with my mate, nuzzling against him in the way I knew he liked, batting my eyelashes as I put on my best pout. 

Chan, however, was undeterred. “Not like this, Myah,” he said sternly. “There’s too many of them.”

Fine, I had two other mates who were less stoic. 

“I don’t think so, angel,” Changbin chuckled, further crushing my hopes.

“Chan already told you no, Princess,” Jisung said, but his resolve was not nearly as strong.

“Please, Sungie,” I tried again. “It would really mean a lot to me.”

“Well, maybe for a little while-”

-------------------------------------------------------------

And that’s how I found myself talking animatedly with Amelia and her younger sister, Lila, while the three of us eagerly made easy work of the feast the pack had prepared for our visitors. “I can’t believe they let you come!” Lila said at one point, shock evident on her face. “Chan made it sound like you would be out for weeks!”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s just being dramatic.”

“Mates are always dramatic,” Amelia agreed, glancing over at Hyunjin who was laughing with Felix and a few NCT members.

“They keep looking over here,” Lila said nervously and I immediately turned to glare at Changbin, the dark-haired boy sheepishly returning to his conversation with Seungmin.

“Ignore them,” I insisted. “Tell me about the newcomers.”

“Taeyong couldn’t make it,” Amelia said, “but he sent his Beta.” She nodded towards the smaller boy talking with Chan and Jisung. “Mark.”

I appraised him carefully, deciding his appearance must be deceitful, as he certainly didn’t look capable of harming a fly. “He brought seven wolves with him,” Amelia informed me. “That’s a lot more than we were expecting.”

“It’s disconcerting,” Lila admitted. “I think that’s why Chan is so suspicious.”

“They haven’t said anything to me,” I shrugged.

“They’re too worried about keeping you inside all day,” Amelia groaned dramatically. “The kitchens are boring without you!”

“I miss working,” I admitted. “I just wish Woojin would take the cast off.”

“He probably doesn’t want to take any chances,” Lila inserted. “After all, you are the pack alpha’s mate.”

“If it was up to Chan, I would stay at home every day,” I said, frowning. 

“He’s overprotective,” Amelia said. “All alphas are.”

“I like being outside and he knows that,” I said, suddenly feeling a burning irritation towards my mates, especially after having my first taste of freedom in over a week.

“Looks like Haechan is coming back,” Amelia teased her little sister and I glanced up at the approaching male.

“Hello,” Haechan bowed respectfully. I grinned at Lila’s blush. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Myah.”

“Likewise,” I returned. “I’ve been dealing with an injury lately.”

“Your mates told us,” Haechan said, nodding to the empty seat next to Lila. “Can I join?”

Lila let out a weak noise, perhaps agreement, and Haechan slid into the seat next to her. “Tell us about the north?” I asked eagerly, drowning out all other discussions as I allowed Haechan’s descriptions to fill my head. The north sounded beautiful, a land of snow and ice, unbearably cold in the winters, but rather pleasant during the hotter seasons. It wasn’t a long distance from the valley. An easily manageable walk when (and if) my mates ever decided I could make use of my own two feet again.

“I want to go! I think it sounds like a dream.”

“It’s fine,” Haechan said dismissively, but the look in his eyes told another story.

-------------------------------------------------------------  

“You should ask Changbin.”

I glanced up in surprise. “You don’t want to help with my heat?”

Jisung always took pride in being my first choice, especially since it provided a way for us to spend some time alone together, even if I was an incoherent mess for most of the duration. It’s not that I didn’t want to be with Chan or Changbin, but Chan was rather aggressive when I was in heat and I had never asked Changbin before. He was adamant about refusing sex during his ruts, so I figured he would have a similar attitude when it came time for my heats.

Jisung shrugged. “I think Changbin is upset that you never ask him.”

“He’s never said anything before...” In fact, the idea of Changbin being upset over something like this was hard to grasp.

“Well, I think it’s because he thinks you don’t want him,” Jisung said.

I scoffed at the ridiculous statement. “He never lets me near him when he’s rutting. I figured he wouldn’t want anything to do with my heats.”

“I think you’re wrong this time, princess,” Jisung said. “Changbin’s told me before that he’s always available to help if I’m not feeling up to it.”

“Huh,” I drawled, deciding I felt very inconsiderate at that moment. I suppose I just got used to asking Jisung whenever my symptoms started to flare up. It became habitual, and I didn’t stop to think about how my other mates might feel. “Well, I guess I can ask him instead.”

Jisung offered an encouraging smile. “I think it will make him very happy.”

I found Changbin later that day, sparring outside with Chan. The two were imposing as wolves, teeth bared and jaws snapping at one another. I glanced around with amusement at the younger alphas, watching the exchange with wide, curious eyes. I had forgotten that Chan and Changbin were teaching the sparring classes now that Hyunjin was away with his mate, spending time with Amelia’s family before the two returned. 

I waited patiently for my two mates to finish, taking the time to admire how powerful they were together. Chan and Changbin were both larger for their size, extending from years of impressive breeding and mating with strong bloodlines. Of course, no other wolf in the pack could really compare to Changbin. He was by far the largest wolf I had ever seen, easily eclipsing Jisung in size and somehow managing to even make Chan look like a pup. 

The two were talking in low voices together, wearing nothing but sweatpants when I approached them after their lesson. Changbin picked up on my scent first, eyes easily locating me from amongst the other members of our pack. Chan followed his gaze and a wide smile filled out the corners of his lips. “I’m surprised to see you here,” Chan gushed while proceeding to crush me against his much stronger body. 

“Too much,” I tried to tell him, but eventually surrendered, taking in his familiar scent with a deep inhale.

“Do you need something, angel?” Changbin asked, proving to be my saving grace when Chan’s arms finally released me.

I took in a deep breath. “Actually, I’d like to talk to you.”

“This sounds serious,” Chan remarked, leaning in close as if the answer were waiting in my scent.

“Alone,” I emphasized, giving Chan a pointed look.

He let out a dramatic sigh but conceded the space I needed. However, I still waited until he was far enough away before reaching out to Changbin. “Let’s go somewhere quieter.” I wrapped my hand around his bicep, directing him through the lingering crowd of our packmates. Changbin grabbed a black t-shirt on the way, stretching it out over his head.

I was suddenly nervous when we were finally alone, anxiously fidgeting in front of the bigger alpha. “So, how is everything?” I asked cautiously, trying to reformulate my proposal, hoping to make it sound as casual as possible.

Changbin arched one brow. “Are you alright, Myah?”

I let out a nervous giggle. “I have something to ask you.”

Changbin nodded, encouraging me to continue. “I’m listening.”

“That thing is coming up,” I started, wincing when I realized I was already messing everything up.

Changbin smirked. “That thing?”

“Yeah,” I agreed as if he could possibly understand what I was talking about. “I was wondering if you wanted to help.”

Changbin crossed his arms over his chest, the sleeves of his black t-shirt straining. “Angel, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“My heat, Changbin! I want you to help me with my heat.”

My face was red, and I could feel my cheeks heating up because I knew how rushed I just sounded. The words had spilled out carelessly in one of the worst proposals in Werewolf history. Changbin even looked surprised, looking down at me wordlessly. “Uh, I mean, if you don’t want to-”

“I’d love to help,” Changbin finally said, a genuine, and rare, smile brightening his dark features. 

“Well, I know you’ve been busy lately-”

“Angel,” he interrupted again, wrapping an arm around my waist to pull me closer. He pressed a brief kiss to my forehead. “I’ve been waiting to hear you ask for a while now.” I leaned up to nose at his scent gland, amazed that he could ease my tension with just a few, select touches.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Five

“Have you ever had sex as a wolf?”

“Are you serious?”

Lila turned over on her side. “Have you?”

“You don’t need to know that,” I tried to protest, even as she let out a triumphant noise while poking my blushing cheek.

“Was it Changbin?” Lila asked mischievously. “I bet that was hot.”

I frowned in her direction. “This isn’t a normal conversation.”

“I know,” Lila grinned, “but Felix said it wasn’t possible. I just want to prove him wrong.”

“The two of you always have such thoughtful discussions,” I remarked, admiring the stars shivering from overhead, distant ornaments of light that managed to shine so bright, forgoing millions of miles to demand our attention.

“Myah,” Lila spoke up nervously. “Would you be angry at me if I left the pack?”

That definitely caught my attention. “What?”

Lila shuffled closer to me, seeking out my additional warmth. “I really like Haechan, but if I mated with him, I would have to leave.”

I swallowed hard, the idea of never again seeing Lila sitting uncomfortably on my heart. “If you like him, then you should go. I would never be angry at you.”

“Really?”

I nodded, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “It will give me an excuse to visit the north.”

Lila shifted, her chin digging into my shoulder. “Was it hard to leave your old pack?”

“No, but I was okay because I had my mates. It makes it easier.”

“Were you afraid?”

“A little, but change can be scary. Doing something you’ve never done before forces you out of your comfort zone.”

Lila sighed, but seemed content with my response, the two of us lying beneath the stars while enjoying the peaceful quiet of the night.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m really nervous,” I told Jisung, pacing back and forth along the hardwood floors of my room.

“It’s just Changbin,” Jisung said, sifting through my closet for something to take back to his room. Jisung claimed he would miss my scent too much, so I reluctantly gave him free rein of my closet.

“Changbin has never seen me on my heats,” I pointed out. “I’m practically delirious.”

“But it's adorable,” Jisung soothed, dragging out one of my favorite sweaters.

“It’s embarrassing,” I countered. “You used to laugh at me.”

“I don’t anymore,” he teased, protesting when I took the sweater from him.

“Pick something else!”

Jisung tuttered, grabbing one of my jackets instead. “Your heat might hit tonight if you’re not careful.”

“I’m under control,” I assured him, but I still decided that sitting on the bed might be a better alternative to my incessant pacing.

“Changbin is really excited,” Jisung said, sniffing the collar of my jacket. “He hasn’t stopped talking about it all week.”

“Well, I hope he doesn’t have high expectations. You know how messy it gets.”

“I don’t think he’ll care, princess,” Jisung explained. “I think Changbin is just glad you’re trusting him with this.”

Leave it to Jisung to always remind me when I was acting irrationally.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“I haven’t had sex in two weeks,” I vented to Amelia the next morning, leaning against her body for support as we walked through the woods. 

“Join the club,” she muttered. “Hyunjin has been too busy with NCT.”

“Alphas,” I chimed in, grateful I had managed to convince my three to allow me permission to walk alone with Amelia for a while. 

“And Lila wants to mate one?” she grimaced. 

“She’d be better off alone,” I concurred, wondering if it was too late to convince Lila to dump Haechan and stay here with us.

Amelia sighed, “It’s hard to believe Jisung could say no to you.”

“That was before a lion tried to tear my leg off.”

“So they’ve friend-zoned you because of your injury?” Amelia queried, before nodding slowly. “That’s why they’ve been super aggressive lately. They haven’t had anyone to stick their knots in.”

“I’m not resisting,” I declared. “I wish I had faster heat cycles.”

Amelia laughed, “Trust me, you’re lucky you only get them 3 or 4 times a year. Heats always suck, even with a mate.”

“That’s true, and I can’t control anything I say or do. It gives the boys more blackmail against me.”

“Jisung or Chan, sure,” Amelia relented. “But I can’t possibly imagine Changbin saying anything. Isn’t his job to be brooding?”

He might be brooding, but Changbin liked to tease too.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I had fairly warned Changbin before my heat officially settled in. I told him that I’d probably say ridiculous things or act completely out of my element. He had laughed away my concerns. “I’ll take care of you, Angel.”

But I think he was still caught off-guard.

“Binnie,” I whined rather pathetically, a nickname I would later come to regret. I pawed at my sleeping mate, hand sneaking underneath the waistband of his sweatpants, squeezing at his cock. 

Changbin was slow to rise, letting out a low moan as he reached down for my hand. “What time is it?” he asked as if I could possibly know. Time became irrelevant when I was lost in my headspace. 

“I need a knot,” I told him, unrelenting in my efforts to get him hard, despite the look of exhaustion on his face. 

“Alright, angel,” Changbin groaned, forcing himself to crawl over top of me, leaning down to kiss me softly. 

But I didn’t want Changbin’s soft kisses. I wanted to feel the glide of his tongue against mine, and I really hated those stupid sweatpants he was wearing. I tugged at them, pulling at the drawstring while forcing my tongue past his lips. Changbin let out a noise of surprise, attempting to pull away, but was completely unprepared for the way I chased after him, grabbing him roughly by the scruff of his neck to hold him in place while I resumed our frantic kisses.

I was struggling with his sweatpants, trying to push them down enough to free what I really wanted. However, to my frustration, the material was caught on the swell of his ass, and Changbin was far too gone in our passionate kiss to understand why I was whining into his mouth. But he wasn’t able to ignore the sudden appearance of my tears.

“What’s wrong, Myah?” he asked, lips swollen as he looked me over, trying to figure out what was going on.

“Binnie,” I sniffled, grinding up against him, panting at the friction I was creating. “Why won’t you let me have it?”

Changbin pulled back and I let out a pathetic cry, reaching out for him, even as he gently guided my hands back to my chest. “I’ll make it better, angel,” he promised, and I watched with delight as he worked his sweatpants down his firm thighs, kicking them into the floor. I could finally see his cock, erect against his abdomen, and my inner wolf practically howled in delight. 

I instinctively released more pheromones and Changbin craned his neck back, eyes fluttering closed as the sweet smell started to cloud the air around us. I pushed his malleable form back against the bed, crawling down his body until I could pepper kisses around the sensitive skin of his thighs. I nosed my way closer to his arousal, the source of my desires, ready to do anything to get the knot my inner wolf craved.

Changbin let out a grunt when I took him into my mouth, tongue smoothly running over the leaking tip, tasting his bitter pre-cum. It was like Changbin was everywhere, his scent filling my nose while his taste coated my mouth, saliva dripping from my lips as I tried to take him in as much as I could, all the way down to the promising swell at his base.

“Myah,” Changbin warned, thrusting into my warm, eager mouth. 

I hummed around him, knowing he would appreciate my efforts, and I wanted desperately to please Changbin. Every instinct was screaming at me to give him pleasure because then he would give me his knot. 

Changbin growled, his scent shifting into something far more dominant, taking charge of the situation as he wrestled me onto my back, grabbing my hands and holding them above my head. “Look at you,” he sneered, teeth nipping at my jawline. They felt far sharper than usual and I knew I was in trouble.

Changbin made quick work of the rest of my clothes, hands gripping my thighs roughly as he parted them, breath hot against my folds. “Please,” I shamelessly begged him, and he didn’t tease, not like Jisung might have, but Changbin was always quick when it came to sex.

His tongue led a seductive trail up my slit and I watched with eager eyes as he lapped at my leaking arousal. He was growling again, sucking harshly at the tiny bud-shaped gland that brought the first wave of pleasure. I could feel it building in my abdomen, spreading all the way to my toes as they curled against the sheets. And as good as it felt, I knew Changbin could spend hours eating me out, and that’s not what I needed from him.

I told him as much, pulling harshly at his thick black hair, urging him to give me the knot that was still steadily growing the longer we kept up this intimate foreplay. “Is that what you want, angel?” he finally snarled, eliciting a sharp yelp from me when he suddenly flipped me over onto my stomach, manipulating me into place as he closed in behind me, giving me no warning before bottoming out in one well-calculated thrust.

And I could already feel the knot, dragging against my inner walls.

His powerful torso was pressing against my back, one hand supporting himself, while the other grabbed my breast, squeezing with more force than he probably meant to allow. But every move went straight to my impending orgasm, so I didn’t really care. His grunts were right next to my ear, and his body was touching mine everywhere. I was drowning in Changbin, but it satisfied my primal urges, especially once his knot caught on my entrance, unable to leave my body now that we were connected. The movement also snapped the delicate string holding my orgasm back and I was now sobbing into the mattress, chanting his name as he continued to grind himself inside, emptying his release as deep as he could manage.

“Binnie,” I cried, barely cognizant of his efforts to lay me down on my side, breathing heavily against the back of my neck. 

“I got you, angel,” he said, voice still husky from our coupling. 

“It’s good,” I trembled, sniffling back the promise of fresh tears as I clenched tightly around his engorged length. “Don’t take it.”

Changbin chuckled. “I can’t really do that right now, angel. It might take a while.”

“It’s mine,” I grumbled, instinctively leaning in closer to his warmth. “My knot.”

“Better than Jisung, right?” Changbin ventured, laughing when I nodded my head, arching my neck back just enough to inhale more of his scent. He released more of the pheromones I craved and I whimpered at its effect on my body. “Binnie, huh?” he suddenly questioned, hand smoothing its way down my hip. “I like it.” 

I started purring at his praise, which would have humiliated me under any other circumstances, but not when I felt so content. “I’m not going to let you forget this, Myah,” He snickered, digging his fingers into my fleshy thigh.

I was under a heat-induced coma and didn’t really care.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6

NCT finally left after securing our alliance, and I was feeling down without Lila around. 

Amelia was far worse, lamenting the loss of her sister to anyone who was nearby. Hyunjin usually took the brunt of her tirades, listening with admirable patience. As for me, well I complained to my mates whenever they would listen because that was supposed to be part of their job description. Which is why I thoroughly voiced my complaints whenever it seemed like they were trying to tune me out.

Meanwhile, I was finally able to start walking again, but freedom came with a price and one of my mates was always lingering, watching me from afar. I started working in the kitchens again, grateful to return to something I felt passionate about in addition to my artwork. Life was resuming back to normal in the pack, a new alliance cause enough for celebration.

I even managed to talk Jisung out of his pants in the midst of the festivities. It was some of the best sex I’d ever experienced, leaving me breathless and aching in the places that had started to gather dust while I was still on the shelf. But I also knew complete normalcy would take a while, especially for Changbin who had actually been present to witness my gruesome injury.

Unfortunately, like all good things in life, the lighthearted moods soon came to an end when one of our border patrols returned to camp reporting suspicious scents. Chan, as head alpha, took the threats seriously, immediately going to investigate. Unsurprisingly, Changbin was already calling for blood before the situation had even been fully assessed.

My alpha mates rarely argued. In fact, I could only recall one real instance of a fight that had almost resulted in violence. It was almost bad enough to break apart the pack before we had even started:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Jisung was always more talkative after a good orgasm, especially when said ecstasy came courtesy of one of my coveted blow jobs. I was pressed into Jisung’s side, head resting on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat gradually slow to its normal gentle thud. “Have you talked to Chan about moving the new pack?”

Jisung and Changbin had originally claimed the rights to a nice patch of land along the eastern border, but after some more scouting from Felix and Minho, they decided to try somewhere further down the river. Personally, I liked the riverside land better because it was closer to the mountains. 

In response, Jisung grunted, carding his fingers through my hair. “Chan will agree with us. The new land has more prey.”

“How tempting,” I teased him. “Can we start moving in?”

Jisung chuckled. “Don’t be impatient, princess. We still haven’t decided on head alpha yet.”

“I thought you would just do it,” I said indifferently because it didn’t really seem like a big deal to me, but that was my first mistake.

Jisung tensed at my side. “It was my idea,” he grumbled, a faint growl underlying his tone.

I hesitated to speak any further on the subject, but I was concerned that my mates were having problems deciding who would lead our pack. “Is something wrong?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, leaving no room for further inquiry. Instead, he distracted me with a kiss.

-------------------------------------------------------------

And now, my three alphas were on edge again, disagreeing with one another on just about everything involving the potential threat. Changbin wanted to follow the scents and lead a preemptive attack while Chan insisted we should investigate first and try diplomacy. Meanwhile, Jisung wanted to call our new NCT allies back to fortify the camp, defending his belief that we required “strength in numbers.”

Of course, I was caught in the middle. The three boys currently hated one another and they didn’t want to share me at all. Changbin, being so much more in-sync with his wolf, was the worst, insisting I stay with him every night because he was, and I quote, “the only one competent enough to protect me.”

However, staying with Changbin at night only made things worse as I predicted they would. During the day, my mates would often corner me alone, scenting me so heavily that I grew light-headed. They were obviously trying to leave their mark on me, trying to outdo one another in this tedious argument they were stubbornly insisting on furthering. Nothing was being solved, and that only meant our pack was in constant danger from the potential threat at our borderlines.

The tension finally spilled over one afternoon after I had left the pack  to have a good run in the woods. I was feeling restless, especially as the entire pack remained on edge with the threats. I always found exercising to be relieving in a lot of different capacities, but I had also made a promise to myself to shift more often. I didn’t set out to worry anyone, which is why I was surprised to start feeling distress pulling at the edges of my mating bond. My wolf let out a whine as I turned back to camp, tasting the air and wondering if we were being attacked.

An invisible rope was tugging on my heart, urging me to return to camp, so I obeyed it, especially as it started to escalate my steadily pounding pulse. I trotted at a faster pace, slightly cautious in case something bad had happened while I was gone. Everything seemed perfectly normal this morning, and I vaguely recalled eating breakfast with Chan while trying to ignore the envious glares being sent in our direction from Jisung and Changbin. 

I hated it when my mates got competitive with one another as if my attention was a prize to be won. Lately, the three had been worse than usual, constantly looking to rile up the others with taunts and insults. Honestly, it would probably surprise anyone to hear that the three of them were supposedly best friends. 

A loud, threatening growl startled me into a sprint, racing down the mountainside to reach camp. Because I knew who that growl belonged to and Changbin wasn’t afraid to bare his teeth when he was angry. I skidded to a halt outside the perimeter of the main courtyard, eyes widening in surprise when I saw Changbin and Chan engaged in a vicious staredown, pacing around one another as if seeking an opening to attack. 

Jisung was still in his human form, looking quite frazzled as he attempted to pacify the two bigger wolves. Meanwhile, our other packmates looked on with trepidation. “What’s going on here?” I demanded, shifting pack to human form so that I could question Jisung. 

“Myah!” 

I braced myself as Jisung gathered me into his arms, holding me above ground as he buried his nose into my scent gland. His grip was unrelenting, and I could feel his fear through our mating bond. “What’s wrong?” I asked. However, before Jisung could answer, Changbin had broken his confrontation with Chan to intercede, letting out a growl which Jisung heeded, giving Changbin space to push his head against my side. “You’re too strong,” I reprimanded him, trying to push his giant head away to give myself more space. Instead, I found myself overwhelmed, falling onto my backside with an unattractive squeak that would normally lead to some sort of teasing from Jisung.

However, nothing was funny about this situation, especially when Chan’s wolf decided to read Changbin’s actions as aggressive. He came to my defense, knocking Changbin away with a threatening snarl, taking an unexpected protective stance in front of me, blocking me from everyone else’s view. “Channie,” I winced, feeling the soreness start to spread up my tailbone.

But Chan wasn’t listening to me. Instead, he was completely focused on Changbin, mirroring his threatening posture, haunches raised and teeth bared. I was completely helpless, stunned into silence while my two alpha mates continued to search for the perfect opening to attack. Meanwhile, Jisung was still trying to play peacekeeper, holding out his hands to show his surrender. “Chan,” he tried, “this isn’t really the best time to fight with Changbin.” Chan’s giant silver-haired wolf snapped in Jisung’s direction and I watched my mate roll his eyes. “You’re supposed to be the mature one!”

“Why are they like this?” I asked Jisung, slowly rising to my feet despite the flaring pain from my unexpected fall.

“We couldn’t find you this morning,” Jisung pouted. “Changbin blamed Chan because he was the last one to see you. I didn’t think it would escalate so fast.”

“This is irresponsible,” I snapped, reaching out to dig my fingers into Chan’s side. “Stop it, Chan! I’m being serious.”Chan’s wolf turned to look at me, a message to stay back clearly illuminated in the brilliant flecks of his irises. “You’re supposed to be the leader! Why don’t you act like it?”

Chan let out a whine as he gently nudged his head against me. “Lay off, Changbin,” Jisung growled from somewhere to my right.

“Can I talk to you, please?” I asked Chan. “As a human?”

Chan’s look could only be described as chastened once he started to shift back, pale skin replacing his silvery-colored fur. He immediately wrapped me into his arms, one hand buried in my hair as he forced his nose against my scent gland. “You scared me.”

“And you scared me,” I retorted, glaring over his shoulder at Changbin who must have also shifted back at some point. However, unlike Chan, Changbin seemed completely unapologetic, rage still darkening his features. 

“Where were you this morning?”

“I went for a walk.”

“By yourself? When there are rogue wolves wandering our borderlines?”

I huffed at Changbin’s attitude, wrestling free from Chan’s unrelenting grip so that I could face my furious mate. “I don’t need permission.”

“No, but you could have at least given us some courtesy,” Changbin argued, folding his arms in a way that told me he was closing himself off, completely set on whatever wrongdoing he had decided I committed.

“I’m sorry,” I offered, hoping to appease everyone, especially since several of our packmates still loitered around, despite Jisung’s command for them to return to their assignments. “But the two of you shouldn’t be fighting.”

“This isn’t something we should have to worry about,” Changbin continued. “But Chan doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of our situation. Our lead alpha has grown soft.”

Chan let out a little growl as he pushed me behind him. “I’m doing the best I can. We don’t know anything about these wolves.”

“Exactly,” Changbin grunted. “We shouldn’t underestimate them.”

“And I’m not,” Chan insisted. “I already agreed with Jisung’s plan to call back NCT for reinforcements.”

“It’s not enough,” Changbin snarled. “We should put that numbers advantage to good use.”

“By slaughtering rogue wolves who are likely just passing through the territory?”

“And what if they aren’t? How do you know they won’t attack?”

“I don’t know! But neither do you.”

“How would you feel if one of them attacked Myah?” Changbin challenged and a chilling silence fell over the four of us. 

“Are you saying I would put my mate in danger?” Chan eventually asked as he took a step forward in Changbin’s direction.

Changbin held his ground. “She’s my mate too and that’s why I’ve done everything in my power to make sure she stays safe. I let her out of my sight this morning, entrusting her to your care, and she goes missing! While rogue wolves are sniffing around our borders!” Changbin snarled as his eyes flashed a dangerous red. “You better handle the attacks before I have to intervene.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

NCT arrived the very next morning, and I chose to stay in bed in an attempt to appease my mates who had been far too unpredictable since their unexpected confrontation from the previous morning. Amelia somehow managed to sneak into my room, talking animatedly about the impressive size of the NCT pack. “There’s so many of them!” she said. “They easily outnumber our pack.”

“I bet Chan isn’t happy about that,” I said, half-heartedly swirling the contents of my glass. The orange juice seemed rather unappealing.

“Of course not,” Amelia said. “But neither is Changbin.”

“Changbin won’t be satisfied until we’re somehow living in recluse from the rest of society.”

“Is that what he’s told you?”

I smirked. “Did Lila come with them?”

“Haechan made her stay behind, but you can’t really blame him. It’s not like they’re coming here for a vacation.”

“Have they been out on patrol yet?”

“Chan’s organized one for tonight. Apparently, he’s letting Changbin lead.”

“That’s hard to believe,” I scoffed. “They haven’t agreed on much lately.”

“Hyunjin thinks it’s just some passing rogues,” Amelia said. “They’ll probably move on in the next day or so.”

“They haven’t initiated any sort of aggressive action,” I agreed. “I hope their scents fade so the pack can settle back down.”

“So your mates can get along again?” Amelia teased. “I haven’t seen them this angry since Chan became head alpha.”

I shivered as I recalled the distant memory. “I thought we were going to lose Changbin.”

“Lose him?” Amelia questioned. “What do you mean?”

It was all too easy to remember:

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Where are you going, angel?” Changbin purred as his hands tightened around my waist, pulling me back against his naked chest to halt my efforts in escaping.

I winced because the truth would likely only set off another angry tirade, a frequent occurrence these days. Changbin had been especially moody lately, ever since Chan and Jisung decided our new head alpha would fall to one of them. Chan had argued that Changbin was too quick-tempered to be a leader while Jisung claimed Changbin acted quite irrationally when it came to protecting those he cared about. “I’m meeting with my parents.”

“Today?” Changbin whined, nose finding its way to my scent gland. “I’ll come with you.”

So much for lying. But my attempt was not in vain because if Changbin heard I was meeting Chan and Jisung later, he’d likely hold me hostage in his bedroom just to spite the other alphas. Or, worse yet, insist he come along to the meeting and that would not be in anyone’s best interest. “Changbin,” I tried instead, hitching one leg over his hip. “Remember what happened the last time you met my parents?”

Changbin grunted as I laved my tongue across his pulse point. “What?”

I grinned, feeling his cock heavy against my thigh. “You asked my father for his permission to take me from his pack.”

“Did I?”

I pressed a delicate kiss to the sensitive underside of his sharp jawline. “I don’t think my father liked the idea of you “taking” me anywhere.”

“It could've been worse.”

“You told my sister she should run away with her rogue boyfriend.”

“You should always follow your heart!”

I stifled a laugh as I gripped his cock hard. “Maybe I should handle my parents alone today.”

“Yeah,” Changbin replied breathily, eyes closed against the ministrations of my fingers smoothing up and down. He leaned in closer to press a sweet kiss against the side of my mouth, a stark contradiction to his next words: “But I want to fuck you first.”

I was more than willing to agree.

I only wished later in hindsight that I had been honest with him from the start.

Jisung was feeling extra affectionate that afternoon, crowding me onto his lap as he nuzzled the back of my neck, inhaling my scent. Meanwhile, Chan was impatiently trying to organize our pack members, several straggling in at the last minute. “This is an important decision,” Chan scolded Jeongin, the younger wolf whimpering as he passively accepted my alpha’s sharp words.

“Don’t be mean to him,” I spoke through our mind-link, ignoring Chan’s low growl in response.

“Where’s Felix?” 

“He said he might be late,” Jisung answered absent-mindedly, nipping at the edge of my ear. He was far calmer than Chan despite the circumstances of our pack’s summoning.

“Minho,” Chan growled. “Are you taking notes?”

“The meeting hasn’t started yet,” Minho grumped, frowning in Chan’s direction.

Chan looked at Minho incredulously, eyes narrowed, ready to undoubtedly reprimand the younger wolf. However, the abrupt sound of knocking at the door to the main room prevented more unnecessarily harsh words. “Finally,” Chan muttered, and I grinned as Jisung mocked his voice in my ear. At least one of my mates was proving why he would make a good leader.

“Changbin.”

I froze on Jisung’s lap, feeling the alpha beneath me tense considerably at the mention of the older wolf. Slowly, I glanced at the doorway, shivering when I saw Changbin and Felix standing shoulder to shoulder. Chan’s previous mask of hardened resolved had melted away, leaving behind an expression of shock that likely resembled Jisung’s. 

 “What’s going on?” Felix asked, confusion evident as he took in the frazzled states of our packmates.

“I guess I wasn’t invited,” Changbin said coldly, squaring up to Chan as he fixed the older with a fierce look. “Was I not gonna be apart of the vote?” 

Felix glanced away sheepishly as if finally realizing his mistake. And Chan could only struggle for the right words as he found himself in a vulnerable position. But the most heartbreaking moment happened a beat later when Changbin met my gaze from across the room. Disappointed.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“But Changbin obviously forgave you,” Amelia said, noticing the long pause in my story. 

“I shouldn’t have lied to him,” I said, sighing as I reclined back against my bed.

“Everything worked out,” Amelia nodded, tilting her head to the side when a deep voice cleared from the other side of my bedroom door. “Who is it?”

Felix stuck his head inside, eyes wide as they moved back and forth between us. “Felix,” I sighed, “what do my mates want now?”

“NCT recognized their scents!”

Amelia sat up, leaning forward in her chair. “But what does that mean?”

Felix shifted anxiously. “Taeyong said the intruders are a group of former NCT pack members who left several months ago. They’re looking for new land.”

“NCT knows them?”

“There are five rogues,” Felix said, “but they’re trying to recruit more.” He cleared his throat, checking over his shoulder as if expecting someone to overhear. “We might have a war on our hands.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 7

Changbin might pretend to be indifferent, but it’s only because he had always been taught to act and behave in a certain way. His father was strict, adamant that Changbin disguise those weak emotions with strength and endurance instead. However, try as one might, there was only so much a person could take until they reached their inevitable breaking point.

And Changbin had found his in our betrayal. An attempt to keep him in the shadows, ignorant of pack politics while Jisung and Chan fought for the right to call themselves head alpha. But when Changbin found out, he could no longer hide his anger and disappointment, storming out of the room and leaving behind a string of curses.

And that’s how I found him later, standing at the edge of the clearing while gazing out into the empty woods. Perhaps that’s how Changbin felt inside: empty and alone because his packmates had so clearly disregarded his feelings. My mates thought they were doing the right thing, but seldom is the right decision an easy one to make.

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” I said later on while gripping tightly to his arm. 

Changbin shook his head, looking off into the horizon. The sun was setting, a faint pinkish glow illuminating the sky. “I get it,” he said. “They didn’t want me as head alpha.”

I trembled. “Changbin,” I started, “don’t think so low of yourself.”

“Am I even worthy of being your mate?” he asked, self-deprecating, ignoring my small gasp as he pulled his arm free from my hold.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Jisung,” I said firmly, glaring down at the squirming male in question. “You’d better tell me what’s going on.”

Jisung cleared his throat, refusing to look at me. “Chan doesn’t want you involved.”

“Yeah?” I questioned, bending down to grab his chin, forcing our eye contact. “If you expect me to help you with your rut next month, then you’ll tell me everything that’s happened with the rogues.”

Jisung’s accompanying expression was one of absolute betrayal. “You would let me suffer?”

I rolled my eyes. “You have a working hand don’t you?”

Jisung scoffed. “I’m not gonna masturbate through my rut like a teenage boy.”

“And what has Changbin been doing all this time?” I smirked. “He never let me help before and he was perfectly fine.”

“Maybe he’s okay with that,” Jisung shot back. “You shouldn’t use that as blackmail! Chan has his reasons for keeping you in the dark.”

“I’m sure he does,” I argued. “He probably thinks he’s protecting me somehow.” I shook my head because Chan was far too stubborn. “It’s really embarrassing when the other females ask me about the situation, but I have no idea what to tell them.”

“The patrols are handling it.”

“Jisung, you just invited another pack into our territory! It doesn’t exactly scream that we have everything under control, does it?”

Jisung pouted. “Please don’t make me tell you. The three of us haven’t been able to get along lately. If I disobeyed an order from Chan, I’d get dragged into the same mess as Changbin!”

“Fine,” I shrugged. “But I hope you like sleeping alone tonight.”

“Myah,” Jisung whined, even as I was already slamming the door to his bedroom shut behind me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chan was clearly busy when I approached him later that day. He was conversing sternly with Taeyong, the NCT pack leader. I decided to hold back, waiting for the two of them to finish their business. I knew I would be much less likely to get information from Chan if I interrupted his talk with Taeyong. You see, Chan was acting much more serious lately, a result of him taking full responsibility as the pack’s head alpha. I was proud of him for holding his responsibilities in such high regard, but I was also a little disappointed with the friction it was causing between his best friends. 

Taeyong offered me a delicate bow as he walked by. I waited until he was out of hearing range before confronting Chan. “There you are, Myah,” Chan greeted me, touching his nose to my scent gland before frowning. “You smell like Jisung.”

“I saw him this morning.”

Chan huffed, taking a step back. “The two of you shouldn’t have sex so close to his next rut. It might trigger it early.”

“We weren’t having sex,” I said, annoyed with Chan’s possessiveness. “Am I not allowed to see my mates now without your permission?”

Chan’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Did you come here to fight?”

“Of course not,” I sighed. “But I have a feeling you’re not in the mood to hear me out.”

“It’s my job to listen to you,” Chan said. “What’s on your mind?”

“The rogues.”

Chan shook his head, gazing off somewhere behind me. “You don’t need to worry about the rogues.”

“Channie,” I argued, going right for his weak spot. “Don’t you think I should know? I’m the pack alpha’s mate and I can’t even tell the other members anything!”

“That isn’t your job,” Chan insisted. “They shouldn’t be so nosy. I’ll hold a pack meeting tonight.”

“There’s no need for that,” I countered. “Unless you’re finally gonna tell us what’s really going on with the borders. I bet Taeyong told his pack.”

Chan winced at the remark. “Actually, Taeyong hasn’t said anything. Only Mark understands what’s going on, and that’s because he personally knows the wolves involved.”

“Does he?” I asked, sensing a potential opening. “What did he say?”

But Chan was tight-lipped. “If you see Changbin later, tell him I’ve been looking for him.”

I growled in frustration as Chan walked by, completely ignoring me as he joined Mark and another NCT wolf who had started in our direction. “Asshole,” I told him, making sure to add as much bitterness as one could through a mind-link.

I went in search of Changbin next, inquiring of his whereabouts from a few lingering pack members. My tsundere mate liked to make himself scarce when things were tense around camp. I figured he probably went hunting or something, but there was no way I was following him into the mountains this time. 

Surprisingly, Jeongin told me that Changbin had been in his cabin all day. “I tried to talk to him earlier,” the younger member said. “But he wouldn’t listen to me.”

I suppose I wasn’t the only victim to Changbin’s moodiness.

Still, I was expecting more difficulty when I knocked on his cabin door and asked if I could come inside. Changbin was quick to acquiesce, flinging open the door with enough force to knock it against the wall, sending me jumping into the air in response. “What the hell was that for?” I asked while allowing him to drag me inside his cabin. 

His unexpectedly gentle kiss was my response, lips sliding across mine smoothly. “I feel like shit,” Changbin said, pulling away to rest his feverish head against mine.

“Binnie,” I soothed, omega instincts kicking in as I led him to his bed. “Are you sick?”

“Just caught something,” Changbin grumbled, refusing to let go of me as he dragged us down on top of the mattress. 

“You’re really hot,” I commented, fitting my palm over his forehead. “Are you hurting?”

“It’s not that bad, Angel,” Changbin said, rumbling softly as he drug his nose across my neck. “You smell like Jisung.”

I tried not to roll my eyes. “His rut is close.”

“You’ll smell like me after this,” Changbin declared proudly as if wearing his sickly scent around camp was something to appreciate. 

“You reek,” I informed him. “Your scent is stronger than usual.”

Changbin’s breath was warm against my throat. “You’ll stay with me, right angel?”

“Of course,” I agreed, sliding my fingers through his sweat-drenched hair. “I just hope Chan doesn't come looking for us.”

Changbin tensed at the mention of Chan. “Isn’t he too busy kissing Taeyong’s ass?”

“Binnie,” I scolded the younger, frowning at the way he burrowed closer. 

“We don’t need them,” Changbin growled, scenting me headily. “We can handle the rogues ourselves.”

“I think Chan wanted to talk to you about the rogues,” I said. “He sure as hell never told me anything,” I added, almost as an afterthought.

“Chan was pissed when he found out that Felix said something about their relationship to NCT,” Changbin admitted. “He doesn’t want anyone else knowing.”

“Why not?” I asked, running my fingertips across Changbin’s puffy cheeks. “Shouldn’t the pack have the right to know?”

“Chan’s orders,” Changbin said, teeth gritted. “He’s pack alpha after all.”

“You voted for him, remember?” 

“Only after he tried to keep me out of it,” Changbin replied, wrapping an arm around my waist. 

“He thought he was doing the right thing,” I said in response. “Why don’t you take your shirt off? It might help you cool down.”

“Is this your way of getting me naked?” Changbin grinned. “I’ll do it for you, angel.”

“Stop it,” I scolded him, pulling away only to help wrestle the constricting material from his torso. “Have you seen Woojin yet?”

“I’ll see him if I feel worse tomorrow,” Changbin said, biceps flexing enticingly as he stretched his arms above his head. 

“He might prevent you from feeling worse,” I said, forcing my eyes away from the unexpectedly attractive sight.

“It’s probably nothing,” Changbin assured me, hands smoothing down his broad chest. “Winter is starting to settle in.”

“An excuse to stay in bed longer,” I said, finding myself leaning into his warmth.

Changbin was quiet for a while, and I figured he had fallen asleep. As a matter of fact, I found myself growing drowsy with the combination of his heat and the comfort of the mattress beneath me. I was moments away from closing my eyes when he spoke up again. “I saw the new pups yesterday,” he said.

It was enough to surprise me into alertness. “Mina’s pups?”

He nodded. “I went with Jisung.”

I grinned. “You should have brought me along. I’ve been looking for a better excuse to see them.”

One of our older pack members had recently given birth to three little pups. They were absolutely adorable with their small eyes and cute little button noses. Amelia and I had spent more time there than the kitchens. It was starting to become a problem, especially when Mina’s mate was less than willing to share their cabin with other wolves. But how could anyone resist the heart-wrenching sounds of their precious giggles?

“Do you like pups?” Changbin asked.

“Of course I love pups!” I exclaimed, turning on my side to rest my chin on top of his chest. “Mina’s are so tiny! How can anything be that small?”

Changbin’s eyes met mine and I was taken aback by the raw emotion I saw reflecting back at me. “Maybe you should stop taking your pills.”

I paused, studying him closely. His implication was clear. “Are you serious?”

Changbin nodded. “Maybe on your next heat we can all try.”

His sincerity was unexpected as Changbin was the last mate I thought would inquire about having pups. I knew Jisung adored pups and he was always one of the first to see any new additions to our pack. I usually trailed along after him, adoring the look of glee in his eyes when he held a tiny pup in his strong arms. And as for Chan? Well, my oldest mate liked pups well enough and had considered in passing the idea of having pups of his own one day.

But Changbin?

“Have you talked to the others?” I asked.

“No,” Changbin grunted. “But we haven’t exactly been friendly recently.”

I nodded. “After this mess with the rogues is sorted out, maybe we can all sit down together and talk about it. I don’t want to try when the three of you are fighting.”

Changbin grinned as he practically drug me on top of him. “Okay,” he said, pecking my nose sweetly. “But I get the first knot.”

I groaned at his words, feeling the tight bulge of his cock underneath the thin layer of his worn sweatpants.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The following day, I decided to go hunting with Jisung and Changbin. The elder was feeling better after spending the day isolated away from the pack, and Changbin told me he desperately needed to shift again. Meanwhile, Jisung was feeling just as adventurous, hearing of our plans and demanding to come along. Changbin protested at first, but eventually gave in when I sternly reminded him how important it was for us to all get along. Changbin must have remembered my words from yesterday, immediately complying with Jisung’s wishes.

The three of our wolves padded together along the used trails in the woods, keeping close to camp. It was still potentially dangerous to go out past the edges of the territory when rogues were threatening our pack. However, I knew Changbin would be the last person to refuse his wolf’s obvious attachment to the woods, and Changbin was never intimidated by threats.

And I also longed to stretch my legs and have a nice run through the woods.

Nevertheless, my senses were on high alert as I walked between my two mates. My wolf was minuscule in comparison to Jisung and Changbin, but it was reassuring to know my mates were so much stronger. They would always protect me if danger happened to arise.

Changbin let out a bark as he picked up on a stray scent, nose high in the air as he caught the trail. “This way,” he directed, leading the three of us into a nearby thicket of bushes.

I kept my body close to the ground, hindquarters raised, as I waited for Changbin’s next command. “Why is your ass sticking up,” Jisung teased, nipping at my ear playfully.

“This is the hunter’s stance,” I quipped, ears pricked forward as a faint rustle echoed throughout the surrounding foliage.

“Leave the hunting to the professionals, princess,” Jisung said, stopping to shoulder himself next to Changbin. “What is it?”

“Deer,” Changbin said, tasting the air carefully. “A small doe, maybe.”

Jisung dugs his claws into the forest floor as if anticipating the impending hunt. “Should we take it, Changbin?”

“I could wrestle it down without you,” Changbin grumbled.

Jisung’s wolf huffed as if offended. “I’d overpower it easily!”

“Go ahead,” Changbin challenged, suddenly sitting back on his haunches. “If you’re so skilled at hunting bigger prey.”

Jisung hesitated, but he was far too proud to let Changbin bruise his ego. I watched Jisung crouch down, stealthily moving through the underbrush as he slowly approached the doe who was barely visible through the branches of the trees crowding the area surrounding us. I withheld my laughter as I sat down next to Changbin, allowing him to nuzzle into the side of my neck affectionately. “He’s not low enough,” he told me. “The deer will hear him before he’s ready.”

I watched with interest, silently rooting for Jisung to prove Changbin wrong as he edged closer. Unfortunately, Changbin was rarely wrong in such instances, and I winced when Jisung’s front paw broke a stick beneath his path. Immediately, the deer’s head shot up into the air, eyes blown wide as it studied the nearby vicinity. Jisung panicked, launching himself into a premature attack, barely glancing the deer with his claws before the now spooked creature took off. Jisung was quick to recover his footing, but still not fast enough to track down an animal relying on adrenaline racing through familiar territory.

“Shit!” Jisung cursed as he finally slowed down, watching the deer race away through the woods.

“Nice job,” Changbin snarked, ignoring Jisung as he turned around to look for a new trail.

Jisung held his head down as he passed me. 

“There’s another scent up ahead,” Changbin said, suddenly shifting back to his human form. 

I shifted behind him, confused as to why he had suddenly switched. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said, beckoning me forward.

I stood next to him, gazing down into the ravine. “It’s beautiful.”

“I’ve seen better,” Changbin grinned, and I rolled my eyes at his cheesy flirtation.

“I almost had that deer!” Jisung abruptly growled, shoving his way between us, arms crossed over his chest.

“Your stance is lacking,” Changbin said, chuckling when Jisung shoved him harshly. “You need more hunting experience.”

“I have more important things to do,” Jisung defended himself, looking in my direction with pitiful eyes. “I’ve been busy with pack stuff.”

“Poor baby,” I cooed. “Maybe you just needed a practice run. You can always try again.”

“I picked up a faint scent on the trail we came up,” Changbin said, nodding to his right. “It might be a smaller doe.”

Jisung followed Changbin and I lingered behind, taking a few more moments to admire the simplistic beauty of our mountain home. “I smell it!” Jisung declared, shifting back to his dusky brown wolf as his nose sniffed across the dirt floor.

“See if you can track it,” Changbin suggested and Jisung needed no further encouragement, determined to make up for his previous blunder. 

I could hear him take off down the trail, feet thundering against the forest floor, purpose driving his steps. In the meantime, I could feel Changbin’s familiar presence as he approached from behind, nose touching the back of my neck while his strong arms wrapped around my middle.

“I really want to fuck you,” Changbin smirked, tucking my hair behind my ear. I studied the trail where Jisung had disappeared into the ravine.

“Is this really an appropriate time?” I asked as he turned me around.

“He’s gone,” Changbin grinned. “And what else are we gonna do?”

“Hunt.”

“I can catch us enough prey,” Changbin bragged, leaning in closer, thumbing at the neckline of my shirt. “Your tits look good in this.”

“What a compliment.”

“Myah,” Changbin pouted, slowly forcing me back. I allowed him to do so until my back met the rough bark of a nearby tree. “We haven’t had sex in a while.”

“If you were more patient,” I started, brushing my fingers against his gorgeous lips. “We could have sex tonight when we get back to camp.”

“Are you worried about Jisung?” Changbin asked, raising one brow in question.

“You aren’t?” I countered because the idea of Jisung stumbling upon Changbin fucking me against a tree was not exactly sexy.

“He’s not gonna know,” Changbin purred in my ear, reaching for the hem of my skirt. “I sent him after a stale scent. He’ll be searching for a while.”

“Was this your plan all along?” I indulged, allowing him to run his fingers up my bare thigh.

“No,” Changbin shrugged, fingers digging into my flesh. “But you smell really good today.”

“Do I normally smell bad?” I joked, wrapping my hands around his impressive biceps.

He flexed them on purpose. “I love your scent.”

I rolled my eyes playfully. “Changbin, don’t you think this is reckless?”

“I won’t let anything bad happen to you, angel,” he promised, looking for the right words to try and convince me to give in to his demands.

I was close to arguing again before he suddenly lifted me up, forcing my legs to wrap around his waist as he brought our bodies close together. He was unbelievably hard, cock straining against the material of his shorts. “Have you wanted this for a while?” I asked breathily because he was scenting me with purpose, determined to wipe all logical thoughts from my mind.

I barely noticed when his hands managed to push my skirt up my legs, thumbs rubbing circles into my hip bones.

“I think my wolf was jealous of Jisung,” Changbin admitted, mouthing at the exposed expanse of my chest. “He wants our scent on you.”

“And what better way,” I grinned, curling my fingers through his thick hair.

“You know I like it, angel,” he continued, hips pushing forward into mine. 

“We need to be fast,” I gasped, feeling the burning friction of his fingers as he moved my panties out of the way.

“Take me out,” he growled, eyes trained down as I worked his shorts and underwear down his legs, leaving his cock erect as he worked to support his hands under my thighs.

“Put it in,” I found myself begging, feeling his cock, warm and thick, as he moved us into the perfect position, tip threatening entrance.

And Changbin never needed me to beg for his cock, all too willing to give me whatever I wanted when it meant nothing but pleasure. Which is why I found myself moaning the moment he pushed his way inside, filling me with him slowly, a leisurely pace as if testing my patience. But I eventually learned patience throughout the years of satisfying my mates, so I simply waited until he was all the way inside, pressing against my clit with a wonderful pressure.

And with my skirt bundled up at my waist, legs wrapped around Changbin’s waist, feeling his powerful hands support my thighs with a bruising grip, I gave in to his wishes. It was all too easy to fall victim to his dark energy, and I choked on a sob as his cock moved in and out. He started a powerful rhythm that made it difficult to do anything more than toss my head back against the trunk of the tree, accepting whatever he decided to give me, which was always everything he had coiled tightly in the thick muscles that filled out his body.

“It’s good,” I made sure to tell him, praising him because I knew it would only get better the more I fed his ego, his desire to show off his strength for his mate.

But Changbin still had more demands.

“Show them to me,” Changbin begged, eyes glued to my chest. 

I tried to ignore him, scenting across his throat, teeth scraping along his skin. His dark, spicy smell was driving my omega crazy, and my wolf howled at me to bite him again. It was difficult to resist, so I gave in, gently digging my teeth against the taut flesh of his shoulder blade. “Angel,” Changbin grunted, cock stuttering inside. “Are you listening to me?”

I whined when he slowed down, dragging out with a pace that was not nearly as satisfying. “Don’t stop,” I begged him, trying to force him back inside, pushing down against his grip on my legs. 

He shifted me down, one of my feet touching the ground as his other hand continued to support most of my weight. I focused on taking in more oxygen as he tugged down my top, forcing my breasts to spill out. “That’s fucking hot,” he cursed, lifting me back up before forcing me down onto his thick cock.  

“Come inside,” I begged him, rapidly approaching my release, feeling it build deep inside.

“Are you worried Jisung might see?” Changbin teased, sweat glistening beautifully across his dark skin. 

“I-I’m not,” I managed, eyes closed tightly together as my hands ran across the broad expanse of his chest, feeling his muscles beneath the fabric of his shirt, straining with his efforts.

“He’d come in his pants like a little bitch,” Changbin snarled, mouth moving harshly across my breasts, tongue frequently taking the liberty to tease my sensitive nipples. 

I could feel his knot growing, threatening to lock us together. It was enough to finally break me out of my pheromone-induced haze. “Changbin,” I said, “you can’t knot me out here.”

Changbin groaned, nipping at his mating mark on my neck. “Can I come inside your mouth?”

“Absolutely,” I agreed breathily, unable to stop from moaning when my orgasm suddenly hit courtesy of a well-timed thrust from Changbin, knot catching slightly on my entrance.

He growled, pulling out completely before helping me settle onto my knees in front of him. “Fuck, I like you this way, angel,” he whispered, hands wrapping into my hair.

I didn’t answer, opening my mouth to allow him access. His cock sat heavy on my tongue and I hollowed my cheeks, lips stretching to accommodate him, pausing at the swell of his arousal. It didn’t take long for Changbin to finally cum, releasing down my throat, bitter but satisfying. He finally pulled out slowly, flaccid length falling from my reddened lips. 

We were both trying to catch our breath as we adjusted our clothes, trying to hide the evidence of our coupling. Unfortunately, when Changbin leaned in closer to kiss me, I could easily smell our sex permeating his scent. Jisung might not have Changbin’s superior sense of smell, but even a human could catch on to what we had been doing.

“We might be in trouble,” Changbin said, grinning against my wet skin.

After a while, I could hear the faint sound of Jisung’s paws against the underbrush. “He’s gonna smell us.”

“He’ll get you all to himself in a few weeks,” Changbin said, pressing one more lingering kiss to his mating mark.

I laughed when Jisung came into view, shifting into his human form. “He’s gonna be pissed.”

“I don’t care,” Changbin declared, holding me tightly against him, as if afraid to let go.

I merely laughed when Jisung immediately scrunched his nose as he came closer, the heavy smell of our sex assaulting the air surrounding us.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 8

Fear.

I felt it strongly, almost overbearing, as I followed the strong scent of blood. I whined when I finally saw him, barely cognizant, fur matted into thick knots as Felix and Minho carefully pulled him through camp. Jisung and Changbin were close, agitation evident in the harsh way their tails flicked back and forth. I snarled loudly, drawing the attention of the other wolves as I tried to fight my way through the gathered crowd of my packmates. 

Jisung wordlessly interceded, blocking me from the sight of my mangled alpha mate. “He needs me,” I pleaded with him, but my strength was no match for Jisung’s. 

“They’re coming,” Jisung warned, and it was only then I finally realized that I had been detecting his fear all along. But he wasn’t afraid for Chan despite his worsening condition.

He was afraid for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Before

“Do you feel better?” I whispered to my exhausted mate.

He hooked his leg around my hip, accommodating the knot keeping up locked together. “The fever broke,” he offered in response, voice husky as he touched his nose to my scent gland. 

“I don’t think I could handle it again,” I groaned. “I need a bath.”

“Are you hurting?” he asked, instinctively releasing a familiar calming pheromone. My eyelids were heavy.

“I’m fine,” I assured him. “It wasn’t too much.”

Jisung groaned from behind me. “I’ve been worried about the rogues,” he admitted. “I was probably rough.”

“You weren’t as rough as Changbin,” I whispered, wincing as I recalled Changbin’s most recent rut cycle.

Jisung chuckled. “Changbin told me something interesting the other day.”

“Really?”

Jisung let out a low rumble as his hand trailed along my side, fingers smoothing across my stomach. “He said you were thinking about pups.”

“Did he?” I asked groggily, shivering when he tugged at his knot, detecting resistance from the engorged base.

“Do you want to have pups?” 

“I’d like to,” I said. “I really want one.”

“Just one?” he whispered, kissing my shoulder.

“I haven’t exactly thought this through.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Jisung said. “But between the three of us, I hope you have more than one.”

“Is that some sort of innuendo?”

“We’d have to plan for one of your heats,” Jisung continued thoughtfully. “Are we gonna take turns? Take you one night each?”

“Binnie wants the first knot.”

“Of course he does,” Jisung growled possessively. “But that doesn’t guarantee that he’ll have better chances.”

“Aren’t you being a little crude?” I asked him, reaching down for the hand still wavering around my stomach. “Does it really matter?”

“We’d never know,” Jisung acquiesced. “Have you talked to Chan about it?”

“No,” I muttered. “It’s hard to talk to him about anything other than the rogues.”

“He’s worried,” Jisung said. “But I think it’s making the whole pack nervous.”

“I haven’t spent time alone with Chan in a long time,” I said. “I’m not even sure he sleeps anymore.”

“Well, you shouldn’t worry,” Jisung assured me. “The three of us will take care of everything. As soon as the rogues are gone, we’ll be back to normal.”

“You and Changbin aren’t acting different,” I said, recalling my last disagreement with Chan, watching my alpha ignore me in favor of another pack’s beta.

“Changbin didn’t get his way with the rogues,” Jisung offered as an explanation. “And I’ve always been the most rational.”

I snickered at his comment, whining when he finally tugged his knot free. I immediately turned on my side, searching for his warmth. “Should I confront Chan?”

“He’d never ignore you on purpose,” Jisung said. “He just needs some time to figure out what to do.”

“He’s had more than enough time for that,” I said, slowly losing my battle with the impending promise of sleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, I allowed Amelia to talk me into an impromptu babysitting job for Mina’s pups while the she-wolf in question and her mate spent some time alone together. Jisung’s rut had broken at some point during the night and Chan had immediately ordered him back to work, sending him on a patrol in the lower valley. I, for one, was grateful for something to occupy my time, which explains why I was currently laid on the carpet of Mina’s cabin, allowing her rapidly growing pups to crawl over my still weakened body. “Leo,” Amelia chastised the younger boy who had abruptly shifted to his wolf form, teeth caught on my t-shirt. “You can’t chew on that.”

“I give up,” I declared, watching the younger pup with vague interest. “They can do whatever they want.”

“There’s only three of them,” Amelia sighed, wrestling one of the male pups away from his protesting sister.

“I feel sorry for Mina,” I said, startling slightly when I detected laughter from the doorway. 

I glared at Felix. “What?”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” he said, graciously saving my t-shirt from Leo’s sharp teeth.

“Have you ever done this before?” a new voice inquired, and I gazed up at Seungmin helplessly. 

“Does it look like we know what we’re doing?”

“They were cuter when they couldn’t walk,” Amelia added, holding Mina’s little girl close to her chest as she cried openly about her brother’s prior attack.

Felix sat down across from Leo, laughing as the younger pup immediately began chasing his tail. “They’re completely harmless.”

“Harmless?” Amelia frowned. “They’re little devils!”

“Devils?” Seungmin snorted, eagerly picking up the other male pup. Immediately, the pup nuzzled in closer to Seungmin, sniffing along his neck. “You have to discipline them.”

“They don’t listen,” Amelia insisted, groaning when the pup in her arms started whining for attention.

Leo had paused in the adventure he made of chasing his tail, sniffing the air with interest. “What is it?” Felix asked, cutesy voice almost overbearing to hear.

“Don’t talk like that,” I grumbled, rolling over onto my stomach.

“She’s not nice, right Leo?” Felix continued, ignorant to my suffering. “Are you being a good boy?”

The pup chirped happily as it fixed its attention on Felix. “You babysit then,” Amelia insisted, situating the pup in her arms onto my lower back. I groaned loudly at the additional weight pressing down.

“We never said we would,” Seungmin pointed out, allowing the wriggling pup in his arms free. Leo watched the movement and decided he was going to attack his younger brother, jumping onto the other unsuspecting pup rather ungracefully.

“Let’s take them outside,” Felix suggested, perhaps taking pity on Amelia and I. “They can run off their energy.”

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Felix carefully lifted Leo, patiently withstanding the pup’s insistent wriggling. “Felix,” Amelia cried dramatically. “You’re my hero!”

Seungmin rolled his eyes but reluctantly lifted the other male pup, following Felix’s lead. Meanwhile, Amelia had relieved me of the burdening weight of Mina’s youngest girl, hugging tightly to the small pup as she joined the boys outside. I let out a groan as I gathered myself onto my feet, brushing off my jeans before stepping out the door. “Why are you so slow?” Seungmin questioned me when I finally managed to stand next to him and Felix. 

“She had to take Jisung’s knot all week,” Amelia responded, overhearing our conversation as she plopped the smallest pup down in the middle of her brothers. 

Seungmin wrinkled his nose. “I thought you smelled differently.”

“She smells like Jisung,” Amelia said, sighing happily as she watched the three pups play. “And he was clingy this morning.”

“He’s always like that,” I rolled my eyes, quietly surveying the remainder of our packmates attending to their various responsibilities. “Aren’t you two supposed to be on patrol?”

“Chan sent NCT members on the morning patrol,” Felix said. “I think I’m going out tonight.”

“I got the day off,” Seungmin bragged, wincing when one of the pups rolled into his leg. 

Amelia grinned. “You’ll need it after this.”

“What?” Seungmin brushed it off, glaring down at the pup who had rejoined his siblings. “I can handle pups.”

“Mina has kept them inside,” Felix remarked. “I don’t blame her, but they’ve probably grown restless.”

“I haven’t noticed,” Amelia snarked, brightening immediately when she spotted Hyunjin walking our way. “Jinnie!”

Hyunjin cautiously approached, dutifully avoiding the energetic pups racing between his long legs. “What are you four doing?”

Amelia whined as she wrapped her arms around Hyunjin. “Jinnie,” Amelia said. “I don’t want pups anymore.”

Hyunjin chuckled, glancing over at the hyperactive trio. “What made you change your mind?”

“They’re little demons,” she growled, leaning in to scent her mate. 

“You liked them when they were younger,” he said, kneeling down to wrangle Leo into his arms. “You were begging Woojin to take you off the pill.”

Amelia blushed. “They were cuter then.”

“And they aren’t anymore?” Hyunjin asked, lifting Leo into the air, the pup giggling at Hyunjin’s playful display of strength. 

“I’ve had the same change of heart,” I nodded, shivering as I imagined being responsible for three pups with no reprieve. 

“Good luck with that,” Seungmin snickered. “Changbin’s been talking about having pups. You might break his heart if you tell him no.”

“Well,” I grumbled. “He doesn’t understand what he’s getting us into.”

“Little miracles,” Felix cooed, lowering himself to his knees as he invited the other two 

pups into an impromptu wrestling match, rolling around on the ground as the pups shrieked with delight at having such a willing punching bag.

“You should be careful,” a new voice interrupted and I cautiously bowed my head respectfully as Chan joined our group. He offered me nothing more than a cursory glance as he glanced between Felix and Hyunjin. “Why aren’t you resting for tonight?”

“Oh, come on Channie,” Felix giggled, touching his nose delicately to each pup. “We’re just having fun.”

“They should be inside,” Chan continued sternly, ignoring Felix’s frown. “It’s irresponsible to take them outside.” 

“I’m sorry Chan,” Amelia immediately tried to rectify. “We were watching them.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Chan insisted sharply and I bristled at the tone he directed at my best friend. “It’s dangerous with the rogues around.”

“Chan,” I snarled his name. “That’s enough.”

The others immediately fell silent as Chan turned his attention to me, eyes narrowed in disbelief. “Take them back inside,” he directed as if intentionally disregarding me.

Hyunjin held onto Leo tighter as he and Amelia retreated into Mina’s cabin. Felix and Seungmin grabbed the other two pups, hesitantly glancing between Chan and me. I ignored their obvious concern, nodding towards the cabin to redirect the pair. However, before I could follow them, I felt Chan reach out to grab my wrist, holding me in place. “Let’s talk,” he ordered briskly, and I reluctantly allowed him to guide me away from the others. 

I supposed I was done babysitting for the day.

Chan brought us to the edge of the woods, releasing my wrist as he slowly backed away. “Well?” I prodded, even knowing that such a short retort would likely ignite his temper.

But Chan calmly held his ground. “You know better than to question my authority as alpha.”

“You weren’t being an alpha,” I said. “You were being a bully. Amelia didn’t deserve that treatment.”

“I’m trying to keep this pack safe,” Chan defended himself. “There’s a reason why I’ve been so busy lately.”

“As I could possibly forget,” I returned. “All you worry about are the rogues.”

Chan scoffed. “Are you suggesting I should forget about them?”

“I’m suggesting that you shouldn’t forget your duty as alpha means more than protecting our borders,” I said. “You also have a responsibility for the well-being of our pack, but you’ve decided to neglect them. I haven’t seen you once visit the wolves in the infirmary and you used to visit our sick every day! And you force our pack members on patrols three times a day which leaves everyone feeling tired and drained. You’ve caused a rift between you, Jisung, and Changbin, and you don’t even bother to do anything about it.” I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts. “And I’m pretty sure that’s the first time you’ve ever visited Mina’s pups! Don’t you think it reflects badly on our pack when its alpha doesn’t care about our future? Plus, you’ve been ignoring your own mate. I only see you in passing and most of the time we argue like we’re doing right now!”

Chan was silent after I finished my unexpected tirade. The alpha’s expression was difficult to read, but his posture was resolutely tense. Finally, Chan addressed my grievances: “Everything I’m doing is for our pack, and I’m hurt that you would think otherwise.”

“Channie-”

“Myah,” Chan continued sternly. “I don’t have time to talk about this right now, but I expect to see you in my cabin tonight because there’s a lot we need to discuss.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

After

Woojin was a great healer, but I was beginning to lose my confidence in his abilities the longer I paced outside the infirmary, worried for my mate who suffered inside. “Myah,” Jisung tried, watching my movements. “You know Chan wouldn’t be happy if he knew you were this upset over him.”

“He’s hurt,” I whined pathetically because what Jisung didn’t understand was the amount of guilt I possessed over my earlier confrontation with the alpha in question. What if that was the last thing I was ever able to say to Chan? How could I live with myself knowing I decided to berate him for being a terrible alpha right before he was set to go out on a dangerous patrol?

“You need to relax, angel,” Changbin said, patting the empty space on the bench between himself and Jisung. 

I didn’t deserve it, but I also couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing another mate. Changbin and Jisung were too good to me, releasing sweet alpha pheromones that worked at the tension in my body despite my overwhelming guilt. I hadn’t even realized my tears until Jisung’s thumb gently smoothed beneath my eyes. “Why are you so upset, princess?” he asked and that only made me want to cry even more.

However, instead of answering, I buried myself into Jisung’s neck, scenting him heavily as I tried to forget about everything that was happening. “This isn’t like you,” Changbin said, hand resting comfortably on top of my thigh. “Chan will be okay.”

“What if he’s not?” I cried, sniffling against Jisung’s shoulder. I felt bad that I was ruining his shirt.

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Changbin questioned. “Angel, Woojin said that the wound wasn’t that deep. He’s probably just being extra careful so Chan can heal faster.”

“He deserves better than me,” I said, the remark slipping free like the steady flow of tears swelling the round arches of my cheeks. 

“Princess,” Jisung inserted, grabbing my chin to force my attention. “Why do you think that? What happened?”

I stared into Jisung’s kind brown eyes, wanting desperately to purge all my nasty insecurities. Thankfully, the welcome appearance of Woojin paused that unpleasant conversation. “Chan is fine,” Woojin said, wiping the sweat from his brow. “You can see him if you want. He’s a little groggy from the pain medicine.”

“He’s okay?” I asked, shoulders deflating as a resounding sensation of relief banished all the tension from my heart. 

I didn’t even register what I was doing until I was crushing Woojin against my body, thanking him over and over again as the bigger alpha let out a nervous chuckle, gently prying me away. “It’s my job?”

“Come on, angel,” Changbin chuckled, ushering me into Chan’s room.  

I swallowed hard as I wavered in the doorway, my other two mates joining Chan on either side of his bed. “How are you feeling, Chan?” Jisung asked, clicking his tongue as he surveyed Chan’s disheveled appearance. 

“You look like shit,” Changbin said, grimacing as he took in the unexpected appearance of Chan’s messy curls. 

“M’ tired,” Chan replied, eyes rolling over Jisung before attempting a similar appraisal of Changbin. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the infirmary,” Jisung said. “Your patrol was attacked at the border.”

“That doesn’t seem right,” Chan replied. “When did this happen?”

Changbin snorted. “What kind of medicine did Woojin give you?”

Chan ignored Changbin, sniffing the air with interest. “Myah?”

I was startled at the mention of my name, reluctantly dragging my feet to the end of Chan’s bed to gaze down at the alpha nervously. However, surprisingly, Chan didn’t immediately demand an apology for our earlier argument, instead, he let out an uncharacteristic whine as he held out his hands. “Come closer.”

I edged past Changbin, joining Chan at the side of his bed. “Are you okay, Channie?”

The alpha disregarded my question, grabbing onto my arm as he attempted to weakly pull me towards him. “Not close enough.”

I was practically bent over the rails of the bed, allowing Chan to sniff eagerly at my scent gland. I let out a growl as Changbin smacked my ass, glaring at the other alpha who was obviously quite pleased with himself. Jisung chuckled at our exchange. “Are you done asserting your alpha dominance?”

Changbin frowned. “As if you’re any better.”

The two were quietly bickering as Chan’s lips brushed across my ear. “I’m sorry,” he whispered whilst sounding perfectly sensible, and I knew exactly what he was apologizing for. 

“Me too,” I replied, leaving a sweet kiss at the edge of his lips.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 9

I was dreaming, but it felt more like a memory. 

Because I was home again. Not the home I shared with my mates and our pack, but the home I associated with my parents and the sweet smell of honeysuckle flowers in the backyard. The kind of home that always made me think exclusively of my most innocent occasions with Chan, misbehaving as we daringly climbed the highest trees and swam in the river despite its overpowering current. A home I knew before I would mate three alpha wolves who would have a profound effect on the person I would become.

But the memory was wrong. For example, Jisung and Changbin were there too and my mates were never around my home when we were younger. We were also older and that was wrong too because I never returned home after I left for the first and last time. However, the differences were strange and I felt like there was something important I was forgetting. Ignoring the feeling of tension while the four of us acted like pups again as we mischievously chose to play in our wolf forms. We nipped at each other’s legs, running through the fields despite the eerie sight of a thick fog curling through the woods. 

I stopped in the middle of our game. The fog was wrapping itself around my legs, climbing the full expanse of my height. I shifted back because my wolf was somehow distant from me, warning me to do something that I didn’t understand. I felt trapped, unable to move or even call out to my mates who had returned to see why I was no longer participating in the game. But their voices sounded distant, muddled and obscured by something invisible. I was afraid because everything was rapidly changing and there was nothing to stop the inevitable.

And then I was alone because the fog and my mates were gone. But somehow this was worse and I fell to my knees because I didn’t know what else to do. What if they abandoned me? What if I was forced to live alone for the rest of my life? I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I wanted to do something but I felt a tight pull demanding my attention.

A little pup was watching me. His blue eyes, which reminded me so much of Chan, were distant. I reached out for the little pup, beckoning it closer. We were both in danger, I could feel it in the bone-chilling breeze that ruffled my hair. But the little pup did not move from its spot and I could do nothing from mine. “You can do it,” I encouraged the pup, but my whispery tone was lost in the cataclysmic space separating us.

I saw red eyes next, glowing bright and sinister. An obvious evil that wanted to hurt me and the little pup I was failing to protect. The wolf they belonged to was targeting the little pup who refused to move from its spot. I whimpered pathetically, desperately trying to reach the stubborn pup who seemed insistent on staying where it was. “You can’t save it,” the wolf snarled at me. “You can’t save any of them.”

Suddenly, there were dozens of wolves surrounding us, moving in closer with predatory steps, haunches raised as they prepared to attack. “Please,” I begged the pup, but it was now watching the wolf who had spoken before.

“They tried to protect it,” the wolf growled, stepping aside as three of my aggressors proceeded forward. At first, it was difficult to discern their shapes because of the thick shadows, but as they came closer, the light revealed the sickening truth. I had never seen Jisung so lifeless before, eyes closed and throat scarlet red as the wolf dropped his limp body next to the little pup who only seemed puzzled by the sight. 

“Daddy?” the little pup questioned, nuzzling its tiny nose against Jisung.

Changbin was left next to Jisung and he appeared to be in far worse condition, dark hair matted with mud and clothes soiled with blood. I had never seen my mate look so weak before. “Why won’t he wake up?” the little pup asked me, pressing a tiny paw against Changbin’s shoulder. But my mate did not respond.

And I was beyond reason because I knew they were both gone.

Yet, at the same time, nothing could possibly compare to the utter anguish I experienced when Chan finally came into view. My oldest friend, my first love, who never gave up and defied all odds and expectations, was being pulled across the ground by the collar of his tattered shirt. 

I had never seen my mate look so defeated before. “Channie,” my voice cracked, and I was lost to my grief because I was nothing without the three of them.

“Is he tired?” the little pup asked, burying itself against Chan’s side despite the horrifying amount of blood seeping through the fabric. “He smells different.”

“Binnie?” I desperately tried. “Sungie?”

“Mommy,” the pup finally summoned me, eyes reflecting wisdom that defied its years. “Aren’t they coming back?”

I couldn’t breathe, holding back something between a sob and a shout. But the torrential river of tears had already escaped without my consent, staining my cheeks and the well-worn neckline of my favorite sweater. “What have you done?”

I directed the question at the menacing wolf who clearly held responsibility for all the pain and grief I was expressing. The wolf snarled, teeth coated with their blood. “There’s nothing you can do to stop it! They’re coming for you, Myah.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

I jerked awake, eyes wide open as heavy breaths filled my screaming lungs. I stifled a cry, slapping my hand over my mouth as the familiar sight of my bedroom came into focus. A single tear spilled free when I realized that Changbin was lying next to me. I immediately placed a hand over his chest, relieved when I could feel the way it rose and fell with the life coursing through his veins. My mate was still asleep and he looked incredibly peaceful, skin glowing with color and an obvious absence of red from any trace of his body. “Binnie,” I delicately whispered, ready to burrow myself against his warmth and demand his attention. But Changbin deserved to sleep, despite the countless times he had assured me that he would never be upset if I woke him after a nightmare. Instead, I decided to take a walk, even if I knew it was dangerous without one of my mates to escort me along the perimeter of our territory. 

I needed fresh air.

Thus, despite the sweat caking my hair to the back of my neck, chilling me when I stepped into the cold night, I made my decision. I shivered, tightening my grip on the lapels of my sweater. I started in the direction of the woods, where the rogues had never been sighted, deciding that I could walk to the edge and back before Changbin had a chance to realize I was gone. It was a good plan because I was still suffering from the pain of my recent nightmare, body convulsing slightly as I wiped away the salty drops from my cheeks.

I hummed to myself, emptying my mind of everything, but especially the nightmare, as I noisily crunched the permafrost decorating the grass beneath my feet. It was really nice, breathing in the fresh air as I worked my muscles loose. When I first came to the pack, I always took walks by myself before going to sleep. They were a surefire guarantee to relieve my body’s tension. Perhaps I should reconsider incorporating them back into my routine.

When the woods finally came into focus, I felt a tremor of fear as images from my nightmare flooded my mind without my conscious dictation. But everything felt so incredibly real and I could only stand the sight of the trees for a few seconds before I was already turning back around. I missed Changbin’s warmth and his scent would be just as reassuring as the fresh air had been.

A low growl sounded from behind me.

I froze to the spot, whipping around so fast that my hair flew into my line of vision. I could make out their forms in the trees, glowing eyes seeking out my vulnerable person. Instinctively, I shifted into my wolf form, snarling at the shadows threatening the peace of our camp. 

But I was greatly outnumbered. 

There were at least a dozen wolves shaking themselves of the precipitation from the vegetation they had escaped from. They surrounded me completely, leaving no room for a possible escape. I was terrified, but I put on a brave front, hoping to intimidate them into abandoning what they probably suspected to be easy prey.

The biggest wolf, who I assumed to be the alpha, approached me first. He tasted the air, eyes widening in interest as his claws dug into the dirt. “Don’t you know there are rogues at your borders?”

“This isn’t your territory,” I reminded him, snapping my teeth at a different wolf who dared a step in our direction.

“For now,” the alpha wolf insisted smugly, appraising me like I was something he wanted. “What’s a she-wolf doing out here on her own?”

“An omega too,” the wolf I previously snapped at deduced, sniffing the air aggressively. 

“She would be perfect for me, Jaemin,” the alpha grumbled, making me feel small in comparison to his proud stature.

“Jeno needs a mate,” Jaemin continued, eyes locked on my quivering wolf as he started circling me. “Know anyone for the job?”

Jeno snickered, coming in closer. My wolf instinctually lowered herself to the ground, whimpering when the bigger alpha loomed over top. So much for my bravery. “Maybe I’ll just take you.”

“I’m already mated,” I tried but Jeno just laughed.

“I’ll ruin their claim on you,” Jeno growled, forcing his nose against my scent gland. “You won’t be able to fight it, isn’t that right, Renjun?”

The summoned wolf emerged from the group, defending his alpha. “You’re just an omega.”

“A she-wolf,” Jaemin added. “You don’t stand a chance against us.”

“I could just take you now,” Jeno continued, rutting against me and my wolf howled in protest. “It would be better if you submit.”

“Maybe we can kill your alphas,” Jaemin suggested. “Then you’ll have nowhere to go.”

“Please don’t hurt them,” I begged the rogue wolves who were likely beyond reason.

“We’ll do whatever we want,” Jaemin sneered. “This is our territory now.”

There was a chorus of agreement from the other gathered wolves.

“And they had the audacity to call our former packmates?” Renjun shook his head, his wolf pawing at the ground. “None of you stand a chance.”

The threatening wolves seemed so self-assured, releasing intimidating snarls and growls as they maintained their lines. Jeno leaned down, sniffing at my lower half. “This one is almost in heat.”

“Take her now,” Jaemin insisted, wolf releasing a whine as he paced back and forth. He was anxious to see his alpha exert his dominance.

“Make the claim,” Renjun encouraged him and I had never been more afraid.

But I still had the wherewithal to consider my circumstances, ignoring the way Jeno started to sniff his way across my fur. I didn’t want to give myself to the horrible alpha wolf, but there was nothing I could do to stop his ego. My only option was to agree to his advances, especially if I could also help my pack.

“If you leave my pack alone,” I interrupted the two wolves. “I’ll come with you without a fight.”

Jaemin paused and Jeno seemed to consider the offer. “Where would we go? This territory belongs to us.”

“There are weaker packs in the surrounding valley,” I insisted, feeling ashamed to dismiss another pack so easily. “They wouldn’t see you coming.”

“Is that so?” Jeno asked. 

“Don’t listen to her,” Jaemin growled. “We already have the advantage. Their pathetic alpha almost lost his head when he tried to stand up to you.”

“Our alpha is stronger than ever,” I lied. “My pack has formed a formidable alliance. They’re prepared to attack and kill your wolves. You could avoid that confrontation and find easier hunting grounds further north.”

Jeno’s tail lashed harshly from behind him. “Will you come with us tonight, then?”

“Tomorrow night,” I tried, utilizing every argument my fear-ridden mind could conjure up to try and dissuade the obvious threat. Because if they attacked our camp, how many of my packmates would be killed? Would someone like Jeno have mercy on Mina’s pups? 

My sacrifice could save them all.

Jeno was quiet for a while, ignoring his packmate’s impatience. Finally, he conceded and I had never felt so relieved. “Alright, omega, if you come with us tomorrow night, then we’ll leave your pack alone.”

It was a worthy exchange, and I would be glad to risk my life.

“I promise,” I agreed. “As long as you keep your word.”

Jeno growled. “I always keep my word.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

I returned to my cabin shaking from head to toe. I had formally made an agreement with a rogue alpha to leave my pack in exchange for his. If my mates knew of this exchange, then they would immediately do everything in their power to change the end result. However, for once in my life, I wanted to do something for them.

I shakily crawled back into bed next to Changbin, willing the tension to leave my body. Surely, my mate would detect my heightened anxiety through our bond? I didn’t want Changbin to worry or ask any unnecessary questions.

“Did you leave, angel?” Changbin’s voice abruptly asked, voice groggy as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

“No,” I lied, gradually feeling his breathing even off as he returned to sleep. It wasn’t the first time I had ever lied to Changbin, but it might possibly be the most profound utterance of my entire existence.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn’t think of a better way to honor my mates for the endless love and affection they always reserved for me. They were always there to help and support me, even if it led to embittered fights between the trio. Thankfully, I could at least rest easy with the knowledge that the four of us had seemingly settled into an easy situation despite the threat of the rogues. It was a good time to leave when everything was so perfect because I could always remember them this way. It was enough to instill the courage I needed to carry out my promise to Jeno. 

The following morning, I made sure to spend as much time with my mates as possible. I gave the morning to Changbin, waking up next to him and wrapping my hand loosely around his cock. Changbin was sweet, sleep still heavy in his eyelids as he fucked me, and I ran my hands across his dark skin, trying to memorize the way it felt.

I spent the afternoon with Jisung, the two of us playing together behind his cabin before we laid out a blanket on the grass. I let Jisung cook for me, even though he was rather horrible at in the kitchen, but I complimented his food. I even let him feed me since he enjoyed it so much. I always found it humiliating, but I knew it made him feel like he was taking care of me and I wanted him to feel like he was a perfect alpha.

It was harder to meet Chan that evening, enjoying the meal he prepared for us. As I sat across from him at the table, I studied his features closely hoping to keep a photographic equivalent locked safely away for me to summon at a whim’s notice. Chan hardly noticed my weird behavior, talking about how little they had seen of the rogues all day. I knew that was my doing, but it was validating to know that they would keep their word.

And since Chan was feeling better after his accident, I desperately wanted him to fuck me. It was easy to convince him, smashing kisses to every available surface of his countenance, releasing pheromones I knew he couldn’t resist. Despite the hurried way he tried to progress our lovemaking, I insisted on a slower pace, wanting to feel Chan’s fingers as they brushed across my skin. I needed his lips and teeth to leave marks against my collarbones, bruising the delicate skin around my scent gland.

I freed him from his shirt, enjoying his kisses while I worked hard to map out his body. I wanted to know every muscle and bone that built his torso, the pale skin that reminded me of the fresh snow in the mountains. I ran my hands across his abdomen, tracing the faint trail of dark hair that disappeared beneath the waistband of his jeans.

There was so much of Chan to love and I wanted him to feel like he was the most important alpha in the world.

I handled his cock with as much care as possible, thumbing across his foreskin, watching the precum glistening at his tip. I decided to taste him, hoping to memorize that as well because I would miss every part of him when I was gone. The impossible swell of his knot, the dips my tongue encountered on their sensual journey along the velvety flesh. “Channie,” I purred happily, feeling him deep in my throat.

I could always remember that.

“Myah,” Chan’s voice was soft and affectionate. He undressed me leisurely, falling into the pace I set, kissing my skin reverently while making me feel like I was the most treasured thing in his life. I recalled an earlier conversation from dinner, remembering the way Chan spoke about the possibility of having pups of our own: “You’ll be glowing,” he praised. “I’ll have more of you to worship.”

“Whatever you want,” I replied even though I hated the fact that I couldn’t fulfill his request.

I choked on a sob as Chan’s cock suddenly penetrated between my legs. He groaned above me, scent heady and powerful as he pressed inside, connecting the two of us in the most intimate way possible. I wanted to stay like that forever, locked together with Chan, his knot holding us in place while he fervently praised me, words forming the most beautiful sentences.

“More,” I demanded of him, which might be selfish, but Chan was never one to deny me anything.

“Whatever you want,” he said in reply, quickening his pace, hips drumming against mine as the sound joined our harmony of moans.

“Please,” I cried, tightening my grip on his curls because they were lovely when I could feel them between my fingers.

“I love you,” Chan whispered, cock hitting perfectly as his tongue traced against my scent gland. 

I was crying, but perhaps Chan thought it was out of pleasure as opposed to the impending sacrifice weighing heavily on my subconscious. “I love you so much,” I hiccuped, moaning as I felt his knot catch, dragging heavily as he continued to thrust his hips.

“You’re mine,” Chan continued, chanting my name. “So beautiful.”

“Channie,” I whined, stuttering when he attempted to pull out one last time. He faced resistance from the knot, but he was strong enough to continue. 

Chan was always the strongest because his heart was pure and loving.

“You’ll make a great mother,” Chan whispered and I lost all inhibitions as he finally stilled his movements. He moaned as he rested his head against my chest, curls soft as he found where we were connected. I kissed the damp skin of his forehead, reaching down to thumb along the exposed flesh of his swollen knot causing him to shiver above me. “Feels so good,” he slurred, mouthing across my scent gland, toned shoulders flexing as he lowered himself to fit against the expanse of my throat. 

“You feel good,” I praised him, running my hands up and down the smooth skin of his back, pausing at the dip in his spine. 

“I’ve missed you,” Chan purred happily, content to nip at my scent gland while I savored the sensation of being completely obscured by his overwhelming warmth. Chan always made me feel safe because he was always willing to do whatever was necessary to ensure my well-being. I was grateful for everything he had given me, but I knew it was time to give something back.

Chan was slowly losing himself to the promise of sleep, and I could feel his hold loosening around my waist. I knew Jeno would be waiting, but I didn’t want Chan to suspect anything. Even if he noticed my absence in the middle of the night, I wanted to be long gone before he could possibly find me and change my mind.

Because my mates had spent their entire lives protecting me, so now it was time I tried protecting them.

I waited until Chan was fully unconscious before I quietly left the room.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 10

When I was still in high school, a group of jealous omega girls started openly targeting me as the primary recipient of their endless bullying. Apparently, the idea of having three alpha mates was incredibly taboo in our pack, especially given how young we were. Sure, there were plenty of instances of omegas mating with one or two alphas in other packs, but three? And it was impossible to forget how rare my situation was when our classmates enjoyed reminding me. 

In actuality, I should have known that they were hurting me out of jealousy as opposed to some sort of personal vendetta against an omega who had already mated three alphas. For example, the leader of this group of petty female nuances happened to be the same girl Changbin abandoned the night he mated me. And two of her friends had previously spent their heats with Jisung before I was even in the picture. But whatever the reason, I was always deeply offended when they would taunt me in the hallways or leave behind some sort of reminder that they despised my circumstances.

Like those horrible notes they left in my locker

I carefully unfolded the pristine white square, smoothing out the creases. “The school’s biggest slut,” I read aloud while trying to ignore the way my wolf bristled at the insinuation.

“At least you’ve acknowledged it,” a reckless female voice mocked from next to me. I glanced up wearily as she joined her friends at the lockers behind mine. 

I looked back down at the note despite the fact that the words had started swimming together in front of me. It was difficult to make out the letters and I felt absolutely horrible as I picked up their whispered insults. It was all too much for me to handle because I had never faced this level of derision before, especially from those who were supposedly my pack members.

“Angel.”

I quickly folded the note and stuffed it inside of a textbook before Changbin could see the harsh words. I turned around, hoping I looked more put together than I felt, unresisting when Changbin pulled me closer by the hips. “You smell good,” he remarked, leaning in closer. 

From over his shoulder, I spotted the young group of girls frowning in our direction. “I thought you were busy.”

“I’m never too busy for you,” he purred cheesily. “You shouldn’t be at school this close to your heat, angel. How can we take care of you here?”

I could hear their giggles in the background. “You never want to help,” I said bitterly, ignoring the way Changbin’s expression fell. 

“Angel,” Changbin continued delicately, “are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” I muttered. “I can’t be late for class.”

“But if you aren’t feeling well...”

“I promise I’m okay,” I dismissed his concerns.

“Let me take you to class.”

“I can walk by myself,” I retorted, reaching back to slam my locker door shut. 

I knew I had hurt Changbin, but I couldn’t stop thinking about those filthy notes or the taunting insults and dirty looks my classmates gave me in the hallways. Those omega girls had no idea how wrong they were in turning everyone against me. They only cared about getting a reaction, and I wasn’t strong enough to deny them.

“Angel,” Changbin tried again, but I was already walking in the opposite direction.

I ate lunch alone because I was tired of dealing with the rest of my classmates, and I knew that nobody wanted to deal with me. It had become a tentative arrangement, an unspoken agreement that they would leave me alone if I sat as far away from civilization as possible. Normally, I would refuse to sit alone, but I didn’t have the desire to continue fighting when I was the only enemy.

I glanced out the window, watching the way the rain fell against the glass. My wolf longed to escape the oppressive atmosphere of our school life, and I had never wanted the shift more. I could practically feel my muscles aching, desiring nothing more than to let my wolf take control and run us back home where I felt safe.

I suddenly raised my head when I detected a familiar scent. It was graciously soothing...

“Hello, princess!” 

Jisung’s voice was charming as he sat next to me. “I switched lunch periods. Changbin said you weren’t feeling well.”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s exaggerating.”

“Well,” Jisung started, tossing down his tray, “I still worry.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me,” I said, sighing as I slowly started the process of dividing my vegetables into the remaining compartments of my lunch tray.

Jisung watched me carefully. “How was class?”

“Boring,” I told him honestly, wincing when my spoon scratched against the metal underside.

“I thought you liked your art class?”

“The teacher put on a film today,” I explained. “I was seconds away from falling asleep.”

“Is that why you look so down?” Jisung asked, shuffling in closer to me. 

I could feel his familiar warmth.

Jisung grabbed my spoon, filling it with the school’s flimsy excuse for nutrition. “Princess,” Jisung continued, holding out a spoonful of vegetables. 

A nearby duo of alphas had started observing our exchanges. The look in their eyes was one of silent judgment. “I’m not hungry,” I insisted, ignoring his offering.

Jisung frowned, lowering the food. “What’s wrong, princess?”

“I have a lot to do,” I said. “I need to talk to my teachers since I’ll be out for my heat.”

“That’s right,” Jisung said, eyes brightening. “When do you want me to come over?”

“I’ll let you know,” I said, suddenly feeling the desire to escape the dining room before the two of us attracted more attention. Yet, while attempting to stand up from the table, I was unprepared for the sudden headrush, stumbling to the side. 

An unfortunate side effect of my impending heat hormones.

But Jisung was there to hold me close, scenting me gently while my vision slowly stabilized. Nevertheless, I still heard the whispers from the surrounding tables. Why was everyone being so infuriating?

“Jisung,” I hissed, stepping out of his embrace. The alphas sitting next to our table snickered as they watched the two of us. 

“Did I hurt you, princess?” Jisung fretted, hands anxiously wandering down my arms. 

“No,” I fidgeted, taking another step back. “I just don’t feel good.”

“Are you cramping?” Jisung questioned and my face heated because he had said it so loudly. It felt like every pair of eyes in the dining room were looking in our direction.

“Don’t say that,” I urged him.

“Is it that bad?” Jisung asked, voice quieter. “Do you want me to take you home, princess?”

“It’s nothing,” I insisted, reaching down for my textbook. 

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” I said quickly, perhaps with more reprimation than I intended. Jisung was so easily breakable and I knew my words would hurt him. Which is why I didn’t stick around to make things worse than they already were.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Since our bond was still relatively fresh, I usually sought after Chan at various points throughout the day. Even if it was for just a brief moment, the two of us would scent one another between classes to appease our demanding wolves. Usually, it was I who often cornered Chan and sought his attention. Today, however, it was Chan who found me, grabbing my hand and pulling me inside an empty classroom. 

Chan studied me for a brief moment, blue eyes searching. Then, he cautiously bared his neck, and I took the time to ensure that we were truly alone before I scented him enough to feel the bond settle back down into place. But that wasn’t enough for Chan.

“Something’s wrong,” Chan said, an observation as opposed to a question. “Changbin and Jisung said you weren’t feeling well.”

“I told them I was fine,” I snapped.

Chan raised one brow in question. “I don’t think you are.”

“It’s just my heat,” I insisted, jerking back when he attempted to fit his palm against my forehead.

Chan frowned. “You’re not acting like yourself.”

“I know,” I said. “I’m not usually close to heat.”

“I don’t think that’s why,” Chan reasoned and I cursed his intuitiveness. The alpha knew me better than most after a lifetime of close friendship.

“Don’t make me tell you,” I begged and Chan startled at the raw vulnerability I allowed in my tone.

“Now I’m worried,” Chan said, reaching out for my hand which I allowed him to take.

“I’ll figure it out,” I offered vaguely. “There’s nothing you can to do help.”

“Not if you don’t ask,” Chan countered, resting his forehead against mine.

“I can’t this time,” I said. “I have to be the one to fix this.”

“You know I don’t like that, Myah,” he said. “If I can’t help you as a mate, then I’m breaking my promise.”

“You can’t know,” I trembled.

“Why?”

“Because you’d be furious and irrational,” I said, startling when Chan abruptly pulled away.

“This sounds bad.”

“It really isn’t the worst thing that could happen,” I said. “You should focus on building the new pack. The four of us graduate soon.”

“Will you be out for your heat tomorrow?” Chan asked. “Your scent is spiking.”

“I’ll come to school one more day.”

“Can it be fixed before your heat?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “But I promise I’ll be okay. Please just worry about the new pack.”

“You’re my first priority,” Chan reminded me gently, thumbing across my lips.

“Not this time,” I said, brushing my fingers across his cheek. “Let me handle this problem.”

I held the alpha’s demanding gaze, but it was always difficult to convince Chan to submit.

“Okay,” Chan reluctantly agreed. “But if you keep acting like this, then you have to tell me.”

“I promise,” I said even as the lie weighed heavily over my heart.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, I arrived at school early feeling absolutely horrible. It was a terrible mistake to come to school that day. I was feverish and sickly, sweat dotting my forehead in an unappealing way, and I knew my heat was right on the precipice. I could barely sleep, bombarded by vivid dreams of my three mates, salivating at the image of their thick knots.

I shook myself from my headspace, hurrying to my locker to exchange textbooks. I was quickly growing more and more assured that I had made a bad decision about leaving my house. Thankfully, I knew that I could likely convince Jisung to take me home after lunch since we shared a class.

Reassured by this development, I opened my locker door, immediately noticing the folded note waiting on top of my math textbook. I let out a sigh as I opened the paper, reading the sentences carefully. And each subsequent line slowly broke my resolve the more I read my classmates’ spiteful comments.

“There you are!”

I ignored him at first, too swept away by the note. My wolf howled in outrage, demanding she take control and show those girls why they should mind their own business. But I couldn’t let her go because I would lose complete independence so close to my heat.

I grimaced at the note’s message, ignoring the way Jisung lingered, confusion evident in his expression. “Princess?”

I took off down the hallway without another word.

-------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to do something about it, meet us during lunch in the gym.

I was shaking, rage overcoming every action as I stormed down the hallway. My fever was out of control and my entire body felt overheated. Yet, I didn’t hesitate at the opportunity to confront those omega girls. I had promised Chan I’d try to take care of the problem and this was my chance.

I easily spotted the five omega girls waiting inside the gym. My vision was narrowed, focusing only on the girls who had made my life so unbearable recently. But I didn’t want to be miserable anymore, I would end things once and for all.

“You came,” one of the girls remarked as if she was genuinely shocked to see me.

I held up the note to remind her. “You invited me.”

“We didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to show up,” the leader teased, starting slowly in my direction. “Where are your little guards?”

“Maybe she let them off their leashes,” the first girl giggled.

“What a slut,” the leader smirked. “Do you just spread your legs so that they can take their turn with you?”

“Or maybe she has a preference,” another added. “I know Changbin likes it rough.”

My chest heaved as I took a deep breath. “How are you gonna keep them satisfied?”

“Eventually, they’ll get tired of sharing,” the first omega said. “You’ll be left alone and nobody will want a slut.”

For some reason, now that I was here, my entire demeanor had shifted. I no longer felt angry, my wolf was unusually quiet, and my heat symptoms had settled. But I had also lost my fire, my drive to control the five girls and now I couldn’t find the right words. Instead, I was silent, allowing them to insult me while I no longer felt the urge to do anything about it.

I allowed the five of them to corner me against the wall, wedged between hard concrete and an angry aggregation of omega females. The leader took a step closer, eyeing the mark on my neck. “Everyone knows Changbin only marked you because he was in a rut.”

Her friends laughed at the comment. 

“What should we do, ladies?” the leader continued. “How do we make the little slut pay?”

“I don’t know,” one of the others contributed. “She must have a high tolerance for pain if she can take three knots.”

More snickering. “Should we test it?”

The first slap was jarring, snapping my neck to the side. I could feel the reminder, stinging the raw skin of my right cheek. “Pathetic,” the leader snarled. “How much more can you take?”

“I think you might want to reconsider,” a dangerous voice growled.

The lead omega let go of me so fast that it was almost imperceptible. Suddenly, there were familiar scents overtaking the nasty smell of those horrible girls. I opened my eyes, watching the omega leader whine submissively as Chan bared his teeth.

A warning.

“Do you think you can do this?” Chan continued. “What gives you the right?”

“Chan,” the leader tried, “we didn’t mean anything by it!”

“You tried to hurt my mate,” Chan snapped. “That means you tried to hurt us too.”

“And you put your hands on her?” Changbin added eyes darkened considerably. 

“You’re the ones who deserve to feel pain,” Jisung inserted, and I was taken aback by the hostility in my mate’s words. I had never heard Jisung sound so confrontational before. His threat was frightening and I could feel its authenticity which prompted me into action.

I carefully reached for Jisung, wrapping my hand around his bicep. His expression shifted, shoulders relaxing. “Just let them go.”

Jisung turned to look at me. “Let them go?”

“Not after what they did,” Changbin insisted, fully prepared to follow through on their words.

Thankfully, Chan seemed more aware of what I wanted. “Get out of here,” he said coldly, watching me even while his dismissive tone was addressed to the five omega girls who hesitated as their leader froze.

But Changbin’s resounding growl sent the girls scampering in the other direction. 

Meanwhile, Chan’s hand settled on my shoulder, urging me to come closer. My head thudded hard against Chan’s powerful chest, tears ruining the fabric of his t-shirt. I was shaking, hands clenched together while I swallowed painfully.

I could feel Changbin and Jisung’s presence, anxiously worried as they felt the full force of my frustration. “You should have told me,” Chan said, holding me close. “You didn’t deserve any of that.”

“Those girls,” Changbin started, voice thick with anger, “they’re the sluts.”

“How long?” Chan inquired, fingers lovely as they sorted through the strands of my hair.

“A while,” I offered vaguely, more concerned with the deliciously familiar scent of my alpha mate as I nosed along his collarbone. I could feel Changbin behind me, hands familiar on my hips. 

“I’m sorry, angel.”

Jisung’s lips brushed across my temple. “You can’t keep these things from us.”

However, above everything else, Chan’s voice was distinct and clear, reassuring and familiar.

“We’ll always keep you safe, Myah.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Present

I wanted to be brave, but I had never quite felt this helpless before. 

It had only been a day since I had abandoned my pack, but I was already miserable. Sadly, there was nobody around to support me this time. I was the outsider here while the other omega girls scampered around their rogue pack members. In fact, two of them were begging for Jaemin’s attention, submitting easily to their desires as he flirted. It was strange to watch the exchange considering the harsh way Jaemin had talked down to me.

I was brought back to reality by Jeno’s unwanted touch.

He traced the outline of Changbin’s mating mark. “These will have to go,” he said dismissively.

I trembled despite the close proximity of the fire. 

“Fuck her good, Jeno,” Jaemin sneered, holding his two omegas close. 

“She won’t be able to walk when I’m done with her,” Jeno promised, nipping at my ear. 

“Do it soon because they might be able to track her,” Rejun suddenly inserted, gaze cautious as he glanced around our unorthodox camp set-up. 

“They won’t have a claim when I’m done,” Jeno said. “You don’t need those alphas anyway, omega.”

He was wrong, but I couldn’t say anything. After all, I had willingly compromised with the intimidating alpha for the safety of my pack. And while I still believed in my decision, I also couldn’t help but long for the familiarity of home and my three mates.

“Take her now,” Renjun urged, nodding towards one of the tents. “Do it fast before they become a problem.”

I didn’t wince when Jeno roughly grabbed me, forcing me up while he practically drug me into his tent. I landed roughly on the mattress, whimpering despite my attempts to remain strong against the alpha. He was over me in the next second, baring his teeth to intimidate my wolf. I could feel her inside me, bowing her head shamefully as the fight slowly left my body.

“You’ll just take it,” Jeno growled approvingly, leaning down to mouth at my scent gland. “Like a good little bitch.”

I was forced onto my stomach, whining loudly as the alpha jerked off my pants. “And you can take my knot tonight,” he continued, “and I’ll claim you for myself.”

In moments like this, I wish I could simply pretend that everything was okay. It seemed obvious to try and imagine myself in a better situation, that maybe I could pretend it was Jisung or Changbin or Chan with me instead of Jeno. But I guess I didn't have enough experience with that so I was stuck dealing with the consequences.

“You have good sense,” Jeno said, fingers rough and messy. “You’ll be quiet, won’t you? Just let me do what I want.”

I growled out a warning but didn’t fight back when I heard the sound of his belt. His body was too warm over mine, hands wrong when they touched my hips to adjust my position, and my senses were assaulted with his appalling musky scent. My wolf was bristling, pacing anxiously because she knew what was about to happen but had no idea how we could stop it from happening. 

“Jeno,” a tentative voice suddenly interrupted.

I sighed in relief when Jeno pulled back, growling in frustration. “What is it?”

The rogue wolf didn’t even react despite my compromising position with the alpha. “Jeno,” he said, “a patrol spotted wolves not far from the campsite.”

“Is it her pack?” Jeno asked, glaring down at me.

“We think it is.”

Jeno sighed audibly. “Tell Jaemin and Renjun to gather some wolves together to check out the report. The rest of us will stay behind to pack up the camp, we’ll have to leave tonight as a precaution.”

“Yes sir,” the wolf agreed, retreating quietly from the tent.

“You got lucky this time,” Jeno snapped in my ear and I was graciously left alone to deal with the stray tears that had fallen.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 11

One Year Ago

I watched Chan and Changbin from afar as they spoke together in low voices, observing Minho and Hyunjin’s practice session with studious expressions. My two packmates in question were in prime form, circling each other as they attempted different attacks and reversals. Meanwhile, our youngest pack members watched the exchanges with wide, eager eyes.

I grinned as I noticed the way Jeongin gasped after Hyunjin aggressively pinned Minho to the ground. The younger wolves were always more impressionable and I knew Jeongin idolized Hyunjin, begging the older wolf to teach him battle skills. And teaching the other wolves how to fight was Hyujin’s responsibility, although my two oldest mates had started to regularly involve themselves with our pack’s training.

It was important that the pack prepare its younger members when it came to fighting. Patrols were an essential component of pack life, and if you encountered danger along the borderlines, then you needed to know how to protect yourself. And when a pack member finally came of age, once they graduated from school, they could request to join border patrols and hunts. 

It was a careful system that had been firmly established for a very long time. And as dictated by tradition, once a wolf finished primary school, they would report regularly for either border patrols or scheduled hunting sessions. But they needed to learn the important skills first which is where Minho and Hyunjin came into the picture. When our pack was first formed, Chan assigned Minho in charge of hunting training and Hyunjin in charge of combat training.  

However, Chan and Changbin had taken an interest in observing the recent talent pool of young recruits. Perhaps it was because this was the first time a group of recruits had actually graduated from our new pack’s primary school and joined the regular training sessions. In any case, I often accompanied my mates to the practices because I was incredibly curious since I had declined the opportunity to patrol or hunt. Instead, I chose to cook because I was much more skilled when it came to the culinary arts. Plus, I think it gave my mates peace of mind knowing that I wasn’t in any sort of potential danger. 

Nevertheless, I wasn’t needed for kitchen duty until dinner which left me with far too much time to find something to occupy myself. It was another suitable explanation for why I chose to join Chan and Changbin. Plus, I could admire the powerful physiques of my mates who frequently tucked their t-shirts into the back of their pants under the heat of the afternoon sun.

“Minho,” Changbin said, “show me the stance again.”

Minho complied and Changbin slowly circled around the wolf in question, eyes narrowed as he scrutinized. I admired the attention to detail because Changbin was our pack’s best hunter and, in addition to taking on the responsibilities of the pack’s third in command, Changbin was lead hunter which meant he organized all of the hunting patrols. It was only natural that he was critical of the younger ones who were trying to earn their spots on our pack’s hunting team.

Changbin turned to address the gathered crowd of eager learners. “There’s a lot you should know when you’re out in the woods...”

I lost focus on what Changbin was saying, far too busy studying the hard planes of his broad chest. Recently, Changbin was trying harder to gain more muscle, and his efforts were definitely started to show. Usually, most pack hunters were lean and quick, but Changbin was far bigger which allowed him to take down larger prey most wolves might ignore. 

As Changbin finished his lecture, I turned my head to the side only to find myself ensnared with Chan’s teasing gaze. I raised one brow in question. Chan grinned, slyly making his way over to me while Changbin continued to hold the pack’s attention. “You’re staring,” Chan accused me once he was closer.

“Was not!”

“I can smell your arousal,” Chan continued, laughing when I snapped playfully in his direction. “Bin is trying to teach the new hunters. He doesn’t need you distracting him.”

“I’m over here,” I countered, unconsciously leaning in closer to Chan. My mate snickered and wordlessly combed his fingers through my hair.

“You smell like sweat,” I complained, groaning when he suddenly smashed my face against his bare chest. “Channie!”

“You wanted a closer view,” Chan pointed out to which I begrudgingly stopped squirming and simply accepted my fate.

“How are the recruits?” I asked conversationally, wrapping an arm loosely around Chan’s waist.

“They’re learning,” he nodded. “Changbin is too critical.”

“He’s always like that,” I begrudged. “I tried to get him to teach me how to hunt once.”

“And?”

“I wouldn’t speak to him for a week after because he complained the entire time,” I said, taking on a deeper pitch in an attempt to replicate my mate’s voice. “Your stance is wrong, angel. You need to stand like this, are you even paying attention?”

Chan chuckled. “What about when Jisung tried to teach you how to fight?”

I winced at the memory, ghosting my fingers across my hip where Jisung had left a considerable bruise after demonstrating one of his maneuvers. “I guess he’s second in command for a reason.”

“Jisung was just excited,” Chan defended him. “He likes showing off for you.”

“I know,” I groaned before glancing up at Chan. “But he isn’t the only one.”

Chan feigned cluelessness. “Bin?”

“Are you talking about me?”

I squealed when Changbin abruptly wrestled me from Chan’s arms. “Are you done tormenting the younger wolves?”

“I was helping them,” Changbin growled playfully, and I whined in protest as Changbin pulled me closer, nosing his way along my throat. “Are you here to help, angel?”

Chan leaned against the wall, sweat perspiring against his pale skin. “She was complaining about how you like to show off.”

“Chan!” I snapped in his direction, but Changbin immediately pulled my attention back. 

“I only show off for you,” Changbin said, pressing a kiss to his mating mark. “But I know you’ve been looking at me.”

“I’m only here for moral support.”

“Oh really?” Changbin questioned before leaning in closer. “You can have me all to yourself now, angel.”

“Are you going back to your cabin?”

“Of course,” he whispered seductively, one hand moving down to cup the heat between my legs. “You can have me all night.”

“You and Jisung are on patrol tonight,” Chan reminded Changbin, intervening in our scandalous display. 

“Tonight?” Changbin groaned, reluctantly pulling back. 

“I’m not switching, Bin,” Chan grinned as if he could already predict Changbin’s next words before they could even formulate in the alpha’s head. “I covered for you on your rut.”

“I know Jisung did it on purpose,” Changbin grumbled. “He’s jealous because I tracked those foreign scents on the backtrails and he couldn’t.” Changbin pursed his lips, squeezing at my hips. “Some second in command he is.”

Chan rolled his eyes. “You haven’t been on a patrol in months.”

“I’m in charge of hunting.”

“There’s nothing to hunt in the winter,” Chan countered, smiling victoriously as he pulled me away from Changbin’s hold. 

“Figures,” Changbin grunted, moving in to press a quick kiss to my puckered lips. “Have fun tonight.”

I giggled as Changbin reluctantly sauntered away, steps slow and methodical as he left the two of us alone. “Does that mean I’m coming with you?” I teased, nipping at the inviting pout of Chan’s lower lip.

“Of course it does,” Chan agreed. “I need attention too.”

“Well, are you done here?” I asked, nodding to where Minho and Hyunjin were talking with the younger wolves.

“I put them in charge for a reason,” he teased, reaching for my hand. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

I wandered by the open entryway to Chan’s bedroom, listening to my mate mess around somewhere in the kitchen. “Channie,” I called out to him, vaguely scanning the books gathering dust on his nightstand.

“Myah,” Chan returned and I smirked.

“I thought you wanted attention.”

“I do,” he said, voice much closer this time. I glanced back at my mate, watching him as he entered the bedroom. My eyes scanned over Chan greedily. 

“How about a bath?” Chan asked. 

“Please.”

Chan held out a hand which I gladly took, allowing him to pull me in the adjoining bathroom. “Take off your clothes,” he instructed with a wink, already unbuckling his jeans.

I rolled my eyes at his tone but reached down for the hem of my shirt. In the meantime, I could hear Chan messing around with the water, the small room suddenly filling with a delicious scent courtesy of the added soaps he always kept around for me. I appreciated the gesture, watching as he slowly submerged himself beneath the water. “Come on,” he said, holding out a hand to gently lead me into the bathtub. I easily settled between his legs, reclining back against his hard chest. “Comfortable?” he asked to which my omega purred in response. 

“Thank you,” I whispered, closing my eyes as his fingers started working at my shoulders.

“Why are so tense?” he suddenly asked. “Are you upset?”

I debated telling him the truth because I knew it would seem utterly ridiculous from his point of view. “I worry about you and Jisung,” I reluctantly admitted. “I don’t like it when you go out on patrols and I worry about Changbin when he’s hunting.”

“What do you think will happen?” he asked quietly.

“That you’ll get hurt,” I whispered. “And you won’t come home to me.”

“Myah,” Chan gently soothed. “That’s why we go with other wolves. We all have each other’s backs. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I don’t like the idea of you fighting other wolves.”

“I’m stronger than you give me credit for,” Chan teased, and I was blushing because he made it seem ridiculous to worry for his safety.

I leaned back against Chan, shivering when his thumbs teased the bottom of my breasts. “I thought you wanted to relax,” I said even though I had no qualms with his touches.

“You aren’t relaxed?” he questioned, teeth nipping at the shell of my ear.

“I love you,” I suddenly blurted, reclining my head to meet his eyes. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I love you too,” he whispered back. “And you’ll never lose me.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Present

I was shivering violently despite the thick coat a sympathetic omega had given me. My fingers clutched at the lapels in a desperate attempt to keep out the cold wind. It would be better if we stopped and tried to pitch the tents, gathering together around a fire to keep warm. However, despite the obvious exhaustion of his pack members, Jeno insisted we keep going to the point where the night had finally been traded in for the promise of dawn. 

And the pack reluctantly marched on.

Some of the stronger wolves, like Jaemin and Renjun, loyally followed their alpha’s command. But I could start to sense some resistance from the rest of his pack, especially those with mates who were obviously worried about one another’s well-being. Yet, Jeno was insistent, reminding the others just how close “the enemy” was to our location. “They can’t find us,” Jeno said, nodding his head assuredly.

I swallowed hard as I fought to maintain his pace. I could feel my strength seeping from my body, fighting the exhaustion of fleeing through the snowy valley and the cold threatening to attack my vulnerable form. I tried to think about my cabin back home, the familiar warmth of the fireplace that maintained a beautiful glow as I snuggled into my bed. Unfortunately, the biting frost nipping my nose and fingertips proved to be far stronger than my memory.

“Jeno,” one of the younger alphas whined. “We can’t keep going.”

Jeno turned around with a snarl. “Do you want to get caught?”

“Let’s stop for the morning,” the smaller wolf suggested. “Just for a little while.”

Jeno obviously did not like the idea, frowning as he surveyed the rest of his pack mates. “Is that what you want?”

I shivered, withholding the urge to confront the alpha. Meanwhile, the rest of his pack were oppressively silent, even if the way their eyes darted around betrayed the fact that these wolves were indeed tired of fighting the cold. 

Jaemin snorted at the display. “Are you weak?”

Jeno shook his head, appearing conflicted. “Fine, but just for an hour.”

A collective gasp of relief was audible. 

“We’ll patrol the woods,” Jaemin informed Jeno, nodding over to where Renjun impatiently walked back and forth.

“Good,” Jeno said, now glaring down at me. “This is way more trouble than we bargained for.”

“Myah,” Chan’s sultry voice sounded absolutely lovely in the mornings. 

Still, I let out a groan as I pulled the blankets closer. “No.”

“Are you tired?”

“I just wanna sleep,” I slurred, reaching out for Chan’s pillow which smelled positively irresistible as I scented the fabric.

“Jisung’s waiting for you outside,” Chan said. 

“Later,” I insisted, ignoring the way Chan’s fingers trailed up the exposed skin of my thigh. 

“What if it’s important?”

“Nothing is more important than sleep,” I explained.

I could hear Chan’s low laughter. “Myah,” he tried again, “I think you’re gonna hurt Jisung’s feelings...”

“Get up!” Jenos harsh voice pulled me from the much-needed slumber I had fallen into. 

I blinked my eyes rapidly, disoriented for a moment as I tried to figure out what was going on.

“Come on,” Jeno growled, holding tightly to my wrist.

I whimpered at his harsh grip as I struggled to recover from the sudden demand to move. “Where are we going?” I asked blearily, stumbling along behind him.

Jeno ignored me, approaching a nearby wolf with purpose. “Well?” he demanded, dark eyes wild.

“We’re surrounded,” the wolf explained, forcibly meeting Jeno’s fiery gaze.

“Then we fight,” Jeno decided. “Organize the lines.”

Organize the lines? But that must mean...

I unconsciously gripped tighter to Jeno’s hand. Because my pack had found the rogues. They were coming for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 12

“I want you to be able to fight, princess,” Jisung appealed, ignoring the glare I tossed in his direction.

Changbin let out a snort. “She doesn’t care for it.”

“I did until he tossed me on my ass,” I grumbled, leaning in closer to Chan who was patiently resting behind me on the bed.

Jisung pouted. “I might have gotten carried away.”

“Really?” Changbin faintly growled in Jisung’s direction, walking over to my bedside. “You left a bruise.”

“I didn’t mean it,” Jisung insisted. 

“You came from a good place,” Chan suddenly interrupted, soothingly running a hand up and down my thigh. “I thought it was a good idea.”

“Then you’re both at fault,” Changbin declared, tugging on my jacket sleeve. “You should be sitting with me, angel.”

I giggled. “You just want attention.”

“I’m on your side,” Changbin continued, holding out an arm in an obvious attempt to coax me forward.

Chan chuckled and nudged me gently from behind. “Go on, he’s obviously jealous.”

Changbin snarled in Chan’s direction. I rolled my eyes as I crawled in his direction, forcing his attention away. “You have me now.”

Changbin greedily wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me flat against his chest. Meanwhile, Jisung sighed in a rather exaggerated fashion. “You’ll never let me live this down.”

“You’re right,” Changbin mused, running his nose through my hair. 

“It’s alright, Jisung,” I teased him, “I’m sure you didn’t mean to shove me down.”

“Princess,” Jisung whined, tentatively sitting next to me on the edge of the bed. “I just wanted to help.”

“I know,” I grinned, leaning over to brush my thumb across his bottom lip. “But you’ll always be around to protect me.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Present

It was nearly impossible to remain motionless next to Jeno while I could clearly see my packmates as they emerged from the woods. They were an imposing sight, especially with the additions of NCT filling their lines as necessary allies. And standing at the front to lead the assault, daunting as they stood together as wolves, were my three alpha mates. 

Vicious and determined.

Chan was the first to break formation, taking a few steps closer to Jeno, eyes clear and focused. “You have wronged my pack for the last time.”

Jeno was quiet for a moment, hold on my wrist unrelenting. “Your pack stands no chance against ours.”

“But they aren’t alone,” Taeyong added, stepping out to accommodate Chan. “You’ve done enough harm to NCT, are you so willing to break up another pack? Was leaving us not enough?”

“We left because your leadership was lacking,” Jeno replied.

“You left because you refused to conduct yourselves honorably,” Taeyong retorted.

“You have no place to talk about honor,” Jeno snarled. “You ally yourself with our enemies, hand out our packmates to use as soldiers in other wars. That is not honorable.”

“But then you somehow think that it’s right to try and steal another pack’s territory?” Taeyong questioned, briefly exchanging glances with Chan.

“I have every right,” Jeno snapped, abruptly yanking me forward. “I took what they couldn’t defend.”

I shivered as Changbin let out an intimidating growl, barely restrained as his wolf kept his gaze firmly transfixed on me

“Jeno, that’s enough,” Taeyong growled. “You had no place to attempt an illegitimate invasion and you have no right to another alpha’s mate.”

“We’re not under your control anymore,” Jeno spat. “We’ll do as necessary to survive on our own.” 

“Then survive on your own,” Taeyong agreed. “Apply for new territory according to tradition.” Taeyong considered me next and I was deeply impressed by the alpha’s obvious wisdom. “Return Myah to her pack.”

“That will never happen,” Jeno declared.

“Are you prepared to shed blood over this?”

“You won’t see us back down,” Jeno growled, exchanging a knowing glance with Jaemin before the smaller alpha let out a menacing howl.

Jeno grabbed my arm and pulled me away as the rest of his rogues charged in the direction of my packmates. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

I struggled to match Jeno’s pace, vision blurry from the force of the wind blowing back against me. The alpha seemed determined, but I had no idea where he was planning to take me. In any case, I knew he was a terrible head alpha for abandoning his pack on the battlefield. If his point was to prove his pack was better off away from NCT, then he continued to make poor decisions to affirm his position.

“This is your fault,” he snarled, suddenly turning around to confront me. We were far away from the battle, even if I could still hear the familiar sounds of war behind us. 

“I kept my promise,” I replied simply.

“We should’ve invaded,” Jeno continued. “I would have your pack’s territory.”

“Then the fault is with your leadership,” I growled in return.

In the next second, I was fumbling to the ground courtesy of a well-timed slap from Jeno. I blinked up at the alpha rapidly, feeling the cold sting against my reddened skin. “You have no place to speak against an alpha.”

“Touch her again and you’ll never speak again.”

My wolf howled with joy, sensing Chan so closeby. I glanced over my shoulder, body shuddering with relief when I spotted my mate. “You think you can defeat me?”

“I’m certain I can try.”

“Pathetic!”

Jeno’s wolf paced back and forth, keeping me mostly obscured from Chan’s view. “You had no right to come here,” Chan growled, viciously pawing at the cold snow.

“We have every right,” Jeno countered. “My pack can challenge for territory. There’s nothing you can do to stop it.”

“We can spill the blood of your ranks,” Chan said. 

“You can certainly try!”

“And you’ve also taken something precious from me.”

I shivered at Chan’s tone while Jeno huffed in annoyance. “The omega is mine now and I will be the one to make a new claim.”

“You’re making a mistake,” Chan warned the other alpha. “I’ll rip out your throat before I let you touch my mate.”

“I’ve already touched her,” Jeno taunted, a deadly mistake. I shuffled back through the snow as Chan abruptly charged at Jeno. The wolves were vicious, snarls echoing throughout the clearing as teeth tore through flesh. My eyes were wide, attentive, taking in the scene in front of me with a mixture of trepidation and anxiety.

Chan was far bigger than Jeno, but the smaller alpha was faster, managing well-placed bites and scratches along my mate’s flank. I winced every time Chan was hit, feeling the pain for myself as Chan allowed ear-splitting howls and barks each time Jeno was successful in an attack. And I longed to do something to help, but I knew my wolf was no match, even as an ally, in this dangerous skirmish. Instead, I kept myself away from the proximity of their fight, rooting for Chan whenever he managed to turn the tables, although it seemed Jeno always had a counter in mind despite Chan’s best efforts.

It made me think of our battle training when Chan had been fighting Hyunjin as a demonstration for the younger wolves. It was a similar scene because Hyunjin was significantly smaller than Chan. My mate was trying to help the wolves who would find themselves in Hyunjin’s position, greatly outmatched against an opponent. Chan was incredibly battle-smart and instructed Hyunjin through a series of complicated maneuvers that ultimately resulted in Chan laying flat on his back with Hyunjin on top. Of course, back then Chan had been proud of Hyunjin, telling him that he was a great fighter. Size did not always matter.

I swallowed hard when I recognized a similar attack from Jeno, seeking access to Chan’s vulnerable throat where one bite could end my mate’s life. Suddenly, this wasn’t just another day of battle training where nobody’s life was at risk. Chan could easily die at any moment and that sobering thought brought me back to reality, tears slipping free as I whined loudly from the bushes.

Jeno’s eyes shot in my direction and I froze.

Was he going to attack me instead?

But I wasn’t expecting to provide a distraction and Jeno was unprepared for Chan’s counter, swiping the smaller alpha’s legs from under him. Jeno collapsed against the snow-covered ground with a grunt. And Chan was there to take advantage of his unexpected position, rolling Jeno onto his back.

I blinked my eyes rapidly before the situation had completely processed. Was it actually over? After Chan had Jeno pinned to the ground, teeth deadly against the pale expanse of Jeno’s exposed throat. Is this all it took?

“You’re lucky to have my mercy,” Chan snarled. “We’ll let Taeyong deal with you.”

I watched as Jeno visibly deflated, flank panting hard as he reluctantly submitted to the alpha who had clearly wrenched an obvious advantage. In the meantime, I had started taking small steps in the direction of my seething mate, seeking his comfort. I let out a low whine to attract his attention and his eyes had already softened by the time they caught mine.

“Come here,” Chan instructed, shifting back to the same blonde-headed man I had fallen in love with all those years ago.

“Channie,” my voice cracked as I fell into his arms, easily shifting back and eagerly scenting him as my body melted against his.

“Myah,” Chan exhaled, fingers digging harshly into my waist. 

He scented me feverishly in return, nose wet from the unbearable cold. “This will never happen to you again,” Chan promised. “Nobody will take you from me.”

I shivered, but this time it was because my mate was sorely mistaken. I had been the one to agree to leave with Jeno. And I could only hope my mate was far too relieved to have me once again to offer the sharp reprimand that I probably deserved.

-------------------------------------------------------------

“Princess,” Jisung’s voice was reassuring, and I desperately inhaled his familiar scent. 

I could feel Changbin anxiously pacing nearby, trying his best to patiently wait his turn with me. The idea brought out a smile and it felt nice given all that had happened. “Relax,” I could hear Chan trying to soothe the younger.

Meanwhile, all around us, the battle had finally progressed to an end. Medical teams were spreading across the field as they tended to the wounded and the ones who had been spared injury were lending a helping hand. As for Jeno’s pack, most of the wolves had reluctantly submitted to Taeyong’s command. The cynical alpha himself, still reeling from his humiliating defeat, was surrounded by three powerful NCT wolves who were waiting for Taeyong’s final order. Whispers had circulated that Taeyong would banish Jeno from the surrounding territory, taking away his pack, his source of strength, and forcing him to live out the remainder of his life in exile.

A cruel fate for any wolf.

“Is it my turn yet?” Changbin grumbled from behind me.

I rolled my eyes playfully as I pulled away from Jisung to allow Changbin his turn to reaffirm our mating bond. As expected, Changbin was greedy, sniffing almost drunkenly at my scent gland. His strong arms held me close, providing a nice shelter from the insistent winds.

“Well?” Jisung eventually asked, looking at Chan. “Have they decided?”

“Taeyong will exile him,” Chan nodded. “It’s what he deserves.”

I shivered at the cold tone.

“He deserves worse,” Changbin growled and I could feel the vibrations from his chest.

“He’s not our responsibility to punish,” Chan said. “I should talk to Taeyong and then we can go home.”

I whined a little at the prospect of returning to camp because it had never crossed my mind while I was gone that I would be able to ever see my pack again. But perhaps I should’ve known better because my mates had never given up on me before. They were too strong, especially when they worked together and I was almost convinced they could do anything they wanted with that combined power. No wolf could stand in their way.

“Angel,” Changbin whispered in my ear. “Are you okay?”

I nodded against him. “I’m okay.”

I could feel Jisung’s presence as he lingered nearby. “We’re sorry this happened to you, princess.”

“He should be lucky we didn’t have a say in his punishment,” Changbin snarled, hold tightening to accommodate the sudden tension in his body.

“Don’t hurt her,” Jisung softly reprimanded the alpha. Changbin’s arms fell from around me as he took hold of my chin. 

“He didn’t hurt you, right angel?”

I shook my head, deciding not to rile up Changbin anymore with complaints against Jeno’s harsh touches or the way he nearly got what he wanted last night in his tent. “He didn’t.”

“When Chan comes back,” Changbin continued, “we’ll go home, alright? You’re safe now, angel.”

Jisung’s fingers soothingly massaged into the back of my neck. “Everything can go back to normal.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

I never imagined the sight of my camp could be so thrilling. I had every cabin memorized, the layout of the land perfectly mapped in my memory. Yet, as soon as my pack’s familiar scent filled my nose, my inner wolf nearly howled in delight. 

Our pack members who had accompanied us to the battle immediately took off in various directions to their cabins. For once, Chan had relieved them of all responsibilities, ordering everyone to rest for the remainder of the day. As for myself, my three mates had redirected us to Chan’s cabin, filing in one by one as they closely followed me to the couch. I sat down with a sigh, feeling the tension drain from my body. Chan joined me next, and I let out a squeak as he lifted me by my waist to readjust my position in his lap. I leaned in to scent him again, never tiring of the way it always soothed my omega. 

I curled closer to Chan, feeling utterly exhausted. Changbin and Jisung flanked Chan on either side of the couch, leaning in slightly to allow their scents to intermingle together. It provided a calming effect on my body, and I found myself relaxing considerably. It was rare for my mates to share a room like this in such an intimate capacity. Their wolves were usually far too competitive to allow our scents to so freely combine. However, I think the events of this evening left everyone, including our wolves, desiring nothing more than closeness. 

I purred when Changbin’s hand curled around my thigh. “How did they take you, angel?”

I trembled at his question. “I left on my own willpower,” I admitted. “Jeno promised he would leave the pack alone if I came with him.”

Silence answered my confession. 

It was an expected reaction, and I had already come to terms with the lecture I would probably receive from my mates for acting so recklessly. However, I also had my own defense prepared for their sharp words. After all, I had left with Jeno because I was trying to save the pack. It wasn’t like I had fallen victim to some sort of cunning scheme or freely decided that I wanted a taste of life beyond the borders of our territory. 

I would have nightmares about the ordeal for years.

“You tried to do the right thing,” Chan finally reasoned delicately, touching his forehead against mine. “Everything worked out in the end.”

The dismissal was surprising, but I wasn’t one to question my mates when they had seemingly allowed me a free pass. Instead, I leaned in closer to Chan to release a soothing pheromone as my own way of extending gratitude. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with my mates over my decision. And given that they were feeling gracious, I decided to allow the events of that evening to fade away into the background as they would with lots of time and healing.

Normalcy was within easy grasp.

“Do you still want pups?”

Jisung’s question made me smile as I turned around in Chan’s lap to face my youngest mate. “Is that what you’re really curious about?”

Jisung blushed but nodded his head. “We mentioned something to Chan.”

I reclined back against Chan’s shoulder. “And what does Chan think?”

“Chan,” my mischievous mate intoned, “would like nothing more than to see our family complete.”

My heart warmed at his words.

“On your next heat,” Changbin grinned, obviously excited by the prospect. 

“That’s soon,” I remarked. “Will it be okay?”

“Now that you’re back, everything is okay,” Chan decided, kissing the top of my head. “The pack will resume as it always has and you’ll still have to deal with three overprotective alpha mates.”

I giggled at his observation because there was a tangible air of excitement surrounding the four of us. A promising future, bright and certain, and we were ready to fully embrace the next chapter in our lives. And as I felt my eyelids grow heavy, listening to the gentle breathing of my alpha mates, I knew we would be ready to face anything as long as we were together.

------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue

The early morning sun filtered through the Venetian blinds to form a pattern of equivalent stripes against my bedsheets. Normally, I could ignore the way the sunlight infiltrated my line of vision, but my daughter provided a far more compelling alarm system. Her cries always began with faint whines which I might disorientingly miss, but they never lasted long, evolving into noisy cries that demanded attention. Groggily, I sat up against the headboard of my bed, vacantly looking out my open door where I could spot my daughter’s bedroom from across the hallway. With a defeated sigh, having already given up on the possibility of sleeping past noon, I slowly made my way to address my daughter’s grievances.

However, perhaps I had dismissed my sleeping concerns prematurely. “Changbin?” I immediately questioned, surprised to see that my mate had beaten me to my daughter’s assistance.

“She was just hungry,” Changbin replied, cradling Nia delicately in his arms as he held a bottle to her tiny mouth.

“You’re becoming an expert,” I joked, watching the display with a full heart.

“She’s lovely,” Changbin said, pressing a delicate kiss to Nia’s forehead.

“I think you’re her favorite,” I quipped, winking in his direction.

“I don’t know about that,” Changbin said, but the adoration in his gaze was hard to dismiss. “I’ll take her back to sleep with me.”

I nodded my compliance. “I promised Amelia I would help her with dinner preparations in the kitchens. Will you watch Jay and Ren until I get back?”

“Of course,” Changbin easily agreed, distracted by the small purrs Nia released as her eyelids fluttered closed.

-----------------------------------------------------------

“You’re going to make me jealous,” Amelia joked as she listened to me talk animatedly about my new little pups. We were currently shucking corn behind the outside entrance of the kitchens, settling into an easy rhythm as we conversed.

“Hyunjin would love pups,” I grinned, wiping my hands against my jeans.

“I’m thinking about it,” Amelia admitted. “It would be nice if our pups could grow up together.”

“What’s stopping you?” I asked around an exhausted yawn.

“That,” Amelia grinned. “Those pups are a handful.”

“They’re worth it,” I reassured my friend. “It gets better once you find a routine, and my alphas are always around to help.”

“How are they coping with living together?” Amelia asked with a smirk.

“It was hard at first,” I admitted, recalling the way my competitive mates had argued relentlessly when I first found out I was pregnant. They each had their own opinion about what was best for me, and I was always too tired to argue against them. However, I think we could all agree that moving in together was the right decision since it was important for the pups to be around their fathers. And Chan had already started making room in his cabin, expanding from the back to build more bedrooms for the rest of us.

“I bet it makes things easier.”

“Like this morning,” I nodded. “Changbin was already around to watch over the pups. Chan had an early meeting and Jisung was scheduled to lead a patrol.”

“It would only be Hyunjin and me,” Amelia sighed.

“Not true,” I immediately countered. “I would do my best to help.”

“I think you’re my biggest advocate,” Amelia laughed, letting out a relaxed sigh as she stood from her chair. “I think dinner prep is done if you wanna head out for the day.”

“You don’t need my help tonight?”

“I have some extra hands,” Amelia remarked. “Take another day off. You should cherish the time you have with the pups while they’re still young.”

“Why can’t they be young forever?” I pouted.

“You’ll find a lot of memories of watching them grow up,” Amelia pointed out, ever the optimist. I nodded my head vacantly, tidying up our work area before making my way back to my new home.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The cabin was eerily quiet when I finally arrived. I quickly scented the air, noticing that traces of Jisung and Chan hung stale in the room. “Is anyone here?” I wondered aloud, following Changbin’s heavier scent to his bedroom. The sight that awaited me was perfectly enchanting.

Nia was sleeping soundly, curled on top of Changbin as her father’s eyelids drooped, barely able to stay open. “Binnie,” I addressed my mate who offered me a tired yawn. “Where’s Jay and Ren?”

“Jisung,” Changbin slurred, tilting his head to the side when Nia’s tiny nose sought her father’s scent.

“Jisung?” I repeated, amused by Changbin’s obvious exhaustion.

“He took Jay and Ren...” Changbin trailed off, squinting his eyes as he tried to remember. “Maybe an hour ago?”

“Do you need me to take Nia?” I asked, giggling when Changbin’s eyes closed.

“No,” he protested, one hand resting on Nia’s back. “I’m alright.”

“Is that so?” I questioned, perching myself down on the edge of Changbin’s bed.

“Maybe a nap,” Changbin grunted as his free hand curled around mine. “You could lay down with me?”

“I would love to,” I sighed, taking in the image of my only daughter sleeping peacefully. “But I need to find Jay and Ren.”

“I’ll come with you,” Changbin insisted, keeping a firm grip around Nia as he started to rise.

I quickly reached out to press my palm against his chest. “You don’t have to, Binnie, I know you’re tired.”

“We’re all tired,” Changbin responded. “That includes Jisung.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“Backyard,” Changbin said. “Jay and Ren were wired this morning. Jisung thought he could tire them out.”

“That’s impossible,” I snickered, allowing Changbin to wrap his fingers through mine. “Let’s see what trouble he’s got himself into.”

As expected, Jisung could barely keep up with my rowdy boys as they initiated an aggressive play fight against their unsuspecting father. “What a surprise,” Changbin remarked, holding Nia closer as his half-lidded eyes surveyed the chaotic scene.

“Princess,” Jisung called for me, waving in my direction. “Everything is under control.”

I inclined my head to the side, watching as a visibly distraught Felix joined Changbin and me on the porch. “They’ve been doing this for an hour.”

Jisung collapsed to the ground as my sons climbed on top of his chest, ignoring their father’s protests. “Did they wear you out too?”

Felix frowned. “I wish I had that much energy.”

“That’s why Changbin sticks with Nia.”

I grinned as his gentle voice greeted the three of us with a calming familiarity. I watched as Chan joined the disarray, closing the back door firmly behind him. Changbin glanced over at my oldest mate. “I was already with Nia.”

“He’s playing favorites,” Chan whispered in my ear, hands settling against my waist.

“Channie,” I squealed, falling back against his chest as he dug his fingers into my sides.

Nia’s head rose curiously from Changbin’s shoulder to briefly appraise the situation before she nuzzled back into his neck. “You like your daddy’s scent, don’t you?” I cooed to my youngest daughter, aware of the way Changbin’s eyes lit up with pride.

Jisung grunted as he fell back on his ass, groaning when Jay and Ren took advantage of his vulnerable form. “Do you need help?” I asked, watching Jisung struggle to control the hyperactive boys.

“I’ve got this under control, princess,” Jisung assured me even as he frantically fought to contain the boys’ inspirited energy.

“Is that so?” I questioned with amusement.

“You look like you’re having trouble,” Chan remarked, grinning as he knelt down on one knee to encourage Jay and Ren into his arms. The boisterous boys immediately turned their attention to Chan, leaving Jisung to attack a more willing participant.

“Holy shit,” Jisung coughed, slowly propping himself up with his elbows. “What did you feed them?”

“Love and affection,” I cooed, watching the way Chan easily handled both boys, gathering them into his arms.

Jisung slowly stumbled over to our group, expression wary. “I couldn’t get them to stop all morning.”

“It looks like everything’s fine now,” Felix remarked, studying the way Jay and Ren buried their tiny noses into Chan’s neck.

“They haven’t seen him all day!” Jisung protested. “Ya! Felix, I helped make them!”

I rolled my eyes. “Do you have to say it that way?”

“But I did!” Jisung insisted.

“You did fine, Jisung,” Chan said, clearly sensing Jisung’s impending breakdown. “They could all use a nap anyway.”

I reached over to carefully collect Jay into my arms to help ease Chan’s burden. “I think that’s a good idea.”

Jisung sighed loudly. “Thanks to me they’re ready for their nap.”

“Sungie,” I cooed to my mate. “You’re such a good father.”

Jisung brightened immediately, following the rest of us into the house after we extended our thanks to Felix for helping Jisung attempt to control my oldest pups. In the meantime, Chan and I brought Jay and Ren to their bedroom while Changbin and Jisung brought Nia into hers. The four of us had been in agreement that the boys should be separate from our youngest daughter until Chan could build a new bedroom.

“They’re exhausted,” Chan said, brushing back a few wayward strands of Ren’s messy curls.

“Wait until they get older,” I grinned, brushing my fingers across Jay’s chubby cheeks before meeting Chan in the doorway. My oldest mate leaned down to gently press a kiss to my lips.

“We’ll manage.”

“As long as Jisung isn’t solely responsible for babysitting,” I remarked, grabbing ahold of Chan’s hand as I directed us into the living room. Jisung and Changbin were already waiting, occupying two of the armchairs flanking either side of the massive fireplace.

“I need more than one Felix,” Jisung quipped, eyes watching me as I settled on top of Chan’s lap to relax against the sofa.

“You did just fine,” I reassured my mate.

“They’re certainly a handful,” Chan agreed, “but that’s why we have all four of us to handle things.”

“The super team,” Jisung said, nudging Changbin with his foot. “Why are you tired? You’ve been sleeping with Nia all day.”

“I could handle those boys better than you,” Changbin challenged, although there wasn't a single trace of malice in his tone.

Jisung chuckled at Changbin’s playful comment. “When Nia gets older, she’ll want to play more with her brothers.”

“She can handle them,” I quickly added, noticing the worry in Changbin’s eyes.

“We need more girls,” my mate said, looking at me entreatingly.

I glared at Changbin from the corner of my eye. “No more pups.”

Changbin smirked at the stern expression I wore. “Alright, angel.”

Chan’s fingers lightly ghosted across my lips. “Does that mean you’re happy with everything you have?”

I buried my face closer to his chest as I thought about my beautiful pups and my three powerful mates. “I couldn’t be more satisfied.”

The End.

[caradickson]

Evaluation

Who Are You

For the Who Are You project we were tasked with producing a series of three images in a triptych display, consisting of one location, one self portrait and one image of an object. All images were to flow together and have continuity throughout to tell a story about who are you.

In the planning for this project I found myself struggling to decide what particular part of my life and personality I wanted to explore and show. I write and perform music and that’s a massive part of my life as Cara Rose; I also have a small jewellery venture named She Sells Shells, earrings made from shells I collect from the beaches near where I live; and I also have my love and interest in photography. There were various paths I could go down for this project, which got me thinking for my self portrait of having multiple me’s in a double exposure or multiple arms in the image, to portray the various creative interests I enjoy.

I also knew I wanted my series to have a theme of yellow as it is my favourite colour. To me, it represents warmth, light and positivity. 

Self-Portrait 

I had the idea to use a torch with an orange filter that I have, to paint different areas of my body in the image using a long shutter speed. I hung up a large piece of black fabric against my living room wall and used that as my studio space. I set up the shot and had the camera on a 10 second timer and a shutter speed of 15 seconds. I used my mum as my assistant and got her to hold an off camera flash to light up my face in the photograph. It took many attempts to get the shot that I wanted as in the beginning it was difficult to nail the painting of the arms and hands and get the positions right.  

I am very happy with the result of my self portrait. I feel like it says visually what I feel. There are many loves in my life and no one of those define me. 

Once shooting, the idea unfolded of me painting myself to represent the sun, that connection to my love for warmth and yellow. The image also reminds me of a star or of fire, with the warm tones. 

Location

I live in a village called Inverkip and our house is a 10 minute walk from the local beach, where I have spent most days during the lockdown period of this year. There is something healing and refreshing about nature, but particularly the sea. I chose to use my local beach as my location for this project. It became part of my routine and life, when we were confined to our homes and only being able to leave once a day for fresh air and exercise. The sunsets and sunrises over the landscape are just beautiful and bring gorgeous yellow and pink tones across the sky. I knew I wanted to capture the beautiful evening golden glow of the sky and the water in the evening.

For this project I went out to shoot my location shot first. It was a clear, bright day and I knew the sun would be on show for the sunset. I got some lovely images that I was happy with and put them in my initial triptych.

Once I had my self portrait and object image, on reflection and discussion with my lecturer, I decided to go back to the beach at sunset and reshoot my location shot, but just as the sun was over the horizon and experiment with longer exposures to capture a more etherial image to flow with my self portrait. 

Object

This year has brought many challenges and everything we were all able to do in normal every day life was taken away. I found it difficult to keep myself moving creatively. I was going on my daily walks to my local beach and was finding some beautiful shells and decided I wanted to collect them and make something of them. From there I started a little jewellery venture of making them into earrings. Finding a new creative project during this time was so important for my mental health and wellbeing so I chose to use the shells as my object image. I lay them out in a circle, facing outwards, mirroring my self portrait shot. I used a blue sheet to lay them on to link it to the sea and my location image. I used one LED panel and one torch with an orange filter over it, located to the left of my scene. I reshot my object image because I wasn’t satisfied with what I produced from the first shoot. I chose to use less shells in my scene and arrange them slightly different and change the lighting from the first time.   

Inspiration

In the planning stage of the project I was looking to other artists self-portrait work for inspiration. The first artists work that caught my eye because of the beautiful haunting nature, was Francesca Woodman. I loved her use of long exposures to capture ghostly images that gave you insight into her, what seemed to be, a  troubled mind. I also think the way she choice to place herself in the images, where she composed herself was interesting. However, all of Francesca Woodman’s work is in black and white and I knew I wanted my series to hold colour and warmth. I looked to Cindy Sherman’s work, which as you can imagine caught my eye because of the colour and the drama. I wanted to try combine the two to create my own images; take the movement and long exposures from Woodman’s work and combine it with colour like in Sherman’s work to produce my own work. 

In conclusion, I really enjoyed this project and find that it has been my favourite from our first term. I am happy with the images I have produced and feel like they flow together well to tell you about me as an individual. My favourite part of the project was creating my self portrait and feeling that excitement when you create a shot that you really love and that fits your vision, or even, turns out better than you had imagined. I found the process interesting as it really made you think about who are you as a person and what you want to say about yourself. I was actually unaware of what a triptych was until this project, which was refreshing to find a new way of displaying work that can change the way you view it. I look forward to creating more work using the triptych. 

[takaraphoenix]

When it comes to goodbyes, there’s only one person I’ve ever known who had her own personal take on that. Whenever I’d say “Mach’s gut” - “take care”, though literally it means “do well” - she would counter with “Mach’s besser”. Do it better.

I always thought that was a funny little thing, I always found that adorable, because she’d say it with mischief in her eyes and in a playful way but still like she absolutely meant it, like she wanted me to do better than her.

And it absolutely wrecks me to think that I’ll never hear her say that to me again.

When I was a kid, I used to spend at least one day a week at my grandma’s. It was always just my grandma; my grandpa had died when I was barely a couple months old. But I still had my grandma and grandpa on my mom’s side of the family. The two grandmas thing was always very confusing as a child - and I mean, too young to realize relatives have names beyond their familiar relation title - so in my family, we solved that rather easily.

My dad’s grandma, she was my Gartenomi. My garden granny. Well, not just mine, I have three older cousins on that side of the family and she was all of our Gartenoma. Because, as the title implies, she had a garden. Back then, that was something I assumed everybody had, you know. Everybody had a mom, everybody had a dad, everybody had a regular Omi and everybody had a Gartenoma.

She had berries in her garden, among other things. And my older cousins and I, we used to always go and gather them with her. I hated that, I always hated being out in the sun and well, manual labor was also never a thing I was a fan of. But I was a fan of the berries, so that evened out.

She used to make jam out of them. We had like a whole deal with that, my dad and his two older sisters would always keep score on who gets to take how many jars of what jam home. And her jam was the best, leagues above any store-bought jam, clearly the most superior jam, truly.

She also used to have veggies in her garden and she she would make that broccoli/cauliflower soup for me. About, I don’t know, between five and ten years ago, she had to give up the garden because they tore all the gardens down there to even the field to build houses there. And even though I haven’t had home-made broccoli/cauliflower soup in a long, long time, it still gives me that homey feel and reminds me of when I was little, even if it’s packaged soup.

We’d also always play games. Well, I suppose that’s normal, isn’t it? Playing games with grandparents. Though she was always rather bad at it and always lost. Around my teens, I started to suspect she may be losing on purpose to let her grandkids win, but to this day I am not a hundred percent sure. Especially Mensch, ärgere dich nicht (I think it’s called Sorry! in English?) and she had these particular little wooden figures for the board-game. Particular, because they were a deep, dark magenta - and normally this game comes with yellow-red-blue-green figures only.

When my grandma moved to the retirement home two years ago and gave up her apartment and we - the whole family - came to... salvage among the things she wanted to throw out, I picked those four wooden magenta figures. I still got them standing on my desk, you know, right next to my screen.

I also took a shell. My grandma had this big shell collection - she, grandpa, dad and my aunts used to go to Italy a lot to camp when dad was a child. The shells were always laid out next to her TV on two long shelves. There were a lot of pretty ones there, but I had always liked one in particular, it’s huge and a pretty curled one, the kind crabs live in. My cousin and I, we used to play with them, with this one and another one similar in size. We pretended they were our shell-phones. I got to keep mine and she took hers.

The two of us, we also had these... school notebooks. But like, old school notebooks. From the 70s, back when our parents still went to school. We used to write and draw out our adventures and stories in them together. Those, we also took and kept.

December two years ago, my mom bemoaned that she didn’t save any of my grandma’s cookie-boxes, because until she had to give up her apartment, my grandma used to provide all Christmas cookies to the entire family. She made... so, so many cookies - do keep in mind, my dad and his two sisters, each with kids of their own. Each family usually got two to three boxes of cookies. And they weren’t just any old cookies. She made ones that I have never before or after seen anywhere else and she used to make them with her home-made jam too, of course.

When I was a late teen, she started talking about the war. She’d never done that before, I don’t know if she deemed me old enough to hear about it then, or if she was already slowly slipping into dementia, because it were... the ever same stories that she’d repeat with a haunted look on her face.

Of the food they couldn’t afford, of how lucky she had been that her mother ran a grocery store and that they were doing better than most other families thanks to that. Of French soldiers living in their apartment with them during the war. Of how nightmarish our beautiful city had looked back then, bombed and destroyed. Of going to school as a little girl, while the bomb sirens were going off, past dead bodies on the street.

It was also when I was pretty much out and proud as a lesbian to... nearly everyone I knew. Aside from my grandparents, who all have... unfavorable opinions on the gay.

That was when I started visiting less. Not never, still about once a month. I also justified it a lot with being busy with college, you know. I was still visiting her regularly, after all.

Two years ago, she slipped in the stairway in her apartment building and while she made it upstairs, she collapsed there. My aunt only found her two days later. That was when we knew something had to change.

With her broken bones, she had to stay in a care home for a couple months anyway, which was enough time for my dad and his sisters to thoroughly debate what to do. It’s hard to consider that your own mother won’t be able to take care of herself anymore, but with that fall it became apparent that she couldn’t and that living on the first floor wasn’t exactly safe anymore either. That was when she sold her apartment and went to a retirement home.

The home’s just down the street from her old apartment. It’s... nice, I guess. The same where my great-grandma used to be in, I even still faintly remember that.

But she wasn’t the same anymore after the fall. I don’t know if dementia can be kickstarted by a fall on the head, but she slipped so fast in the following year.

We’d come and get her for Christmas or Easter or birthdays and when we’d drive her back to the home, she would get disappointed and sad that we were abandoning her, that we’d just trick her into leaving her at a retirement home, having completely forgotten that she was living there for months now.

When visiting her, she’d get her hopes up that we had come to pick her up and bring her back home again.

Then, in the past year, it started to get even worse. She’d forget where she was, completely. Looking out the window of her room, the one pointing directly at the elementary school she used to go to as a little girl - as she had told me very proudly when first moving into that room - and she wouldn’t recognize the building, wouldn’t recognize the neighborhood she had spent all her life in.

She had to rely heavily on her walker too, which was so terrifying to see, because I’ve only ever seen my grandma as, honestly, more fit than myself. She used to ski, she used to hike, she used to climb, she had and took care of that garden until she was eighty years old. To see her so... fragile... was terrifying in its own right, but to have her mind and memory slip like that too?

She started repeating whatever others told her, mixing up memories, not recognizing people anymore, staring blankly through you when you were directly in her line of sight.

Last Christmas,we got her to go to my aunt who hosted Christmas (it used to always be at my grandma’s). And she was... really just... physically present. She slept most of the time, even fell asleep in the middle of conversations. She looked through you, nodded along but didn’t quite listen. She could barely get up with help, but not more around on her own anymore.

About... four weeks ago or so, she was permanently put in a wheelchair because she couldn’t walk anymore at all.

Three weeks ago, the home called to inform us that visiting hours were cancelled due to the corona virus.

This morning, the home called because grandma had a fever.

Seven hours ago, my grandma died at ninety-one years old.

We don’t know if she had corona, or if it was something else. We couldn’t go visit to say goodbye due to the risk of it being corona. We don’t know how things with the funeral will play out thanks to corona.

And I spent the last seven hours doing the dumbest, most time-wasting tasks I could think of to not think about the fact that she’s now gone for good, or the way that makes me feel, because I don’t know how I feel because she’s been slipping away for two years now and she hasn’t been the grandma I grew up with in two years but the thought that she’s now really, truly gone still hurt so much and the only thing I can think about is how I couldn’t say goodbye to her and that she will never say do it better to me again, ever.

[vickielou]

Home isn’t a place, It’s a feeling (Tom Holland Fanfiction)

Chapter One 

The cameras flashed everywhere around me, I tried to pretend I wasn’t anxious at the thought of being seen at this thing. Premier Nights weren’t my favourite part of being friends with actor. They filled me with a sense of anxiety that before Tom got famous I’d never felt before. I felt a hand at my elbow. “You look worse than Tom and he’s the one everyone came to see” Harry laughed. Harry Holland. Little shit. Twin #2. 

“I hate these things” I muttered, his hand tapped at my elbow in reassurance. I tried to find it reassuring. I failed. “You can hide behind me if you want” he offered, I think he noticed my unease. The uneven pattern of my breathing and most obvious, I was biting my nails like crazy, my mother was going to have a fit when she saw them. I smiled at Harry, I tried to smile like I wasn’t panicking but I think Harry saw straight through me. A side effect of spending so much time around the Holland Boys. “Thanks for the offer, but Sam is still my favourite twin” I replied, a joke seemed the right way to go. Harry sent me a dirty look. “He got you the guitar for Christmas three years ago, let it go,” He said shaking his head in disapproval. I snorted. 

He was right. Three years ago on Christmas day Sam Holland, other little shit and Twin #1 had gifted me a Fender FSR CC-60s Mahogany Concert Acoustic Guitar and it was still the light in my life. You would think that my best friend would have been the one that had bought me the greatest present I’d ever received but Tom didn’t understand guitars and we had a deal that meant that Tom wouldn’t buy me anything to do with music and I wouldn’t buy him anything to do with golf because I couldn’t understand golf to save my life. 

I’d been spending part of my Christmas holiday with the Hollands since I was 10 years old. My mother and Nikki had been neighbours (-and best friends!) as long as either of them could remember. My mother worked as a care assistant and more often than not she had to work 12-hour shifts around the Christmas period so I learned from a very young age that the Hollands were like a second family to me. Every time my mum had to work overtime to make ends meet or couldn’t come and get me from school because she just couldn’t get her half an hour break yet, I would go to the Hollands and looking back now that time I spent at their house became some of the best memories of my childhood. 

The cameras flashed again and the sound of the crowd outside the cinema got infinitely louder bringing me kicking and screaming back to the present. “Guess Tom’s here” I muttered. I heard the sound of tyres squealing outside and the sound of chanting got louder. Damn those fangirls and their seemingly infinite lung capacity. “Tom! Tom!” They shouted I leaned on the door frame and watched the scene unfold. At some point during Tom’s grand entrance, Harry went to find Sam and I was left alone. I wasn’t fond of being left alone but Sam was doing photographs for the premier and he needed help. The cinema seemed bigger than it had been all the times I’d been there before. Somehow leaning against the door waiting for my best friend to come waltzing through it, when he was done sighing autographs, the place seemed to be the size of the Blackpool Tower Ballroom. The dress that I’d squeezed myself in to for the occasion felt tighter than ever, my chest painfully constricted. 

I had been thinking about leaving when the door in front of me opened and a familiar face was hurried through by security men that were three times his size, that was saying a lot recently. Tom had been working his arse off in the gym and was around twice the size he used to be. 

I took my time to take in his appearance before he noticed me, his face was flushed. His navy suit was dishevelled, the grey shirt underneath was flecked with sweat and his hair was sticking to his forehead with the same sweat from running around signing autographs and taking pictures with the aforementioned fangirls.

“Tommy” I called, he jumped a mile and looked over to where I was standing by the door. I saw the relief cross over his face that I wasn’t someone he didn’t know watching him at what could be considered a vulnerable moment. I was the only person who could call him that. 

“Jules, thank god.” He smiled walking over, I watched his eyes take me in as he came closer. He reached out his hand for mine and I happily let him pull me towards where the crowd of people were heading towards the cinema room for the first showing of Toms new movie ‘ONWARD’. I’d heard most of the movie in the clips that Tom had messaged me whilst he was on set, I hadn’t actually seen the animation though and I was excited to see what he’d been making the months he’d been away. 

We sat in the seats towards the back, two seats on Tom’s left side were reserved for Sam and Harry when they finally got around to joining us. Tom’s arm immediately went around my shoulder, allowing me to lean back into his embrace. I’d missed this. Yeah, I’d seen him since he came back from New York but I hadn’t seen him for a while it was nice to have him close to me again. 

“I’m so glad you came” he was whispering, leaning closer to my ear, I felt his breath tickling the shell and I sighed happily. His breath smelt minty fresh like he’d brushed his teeth minutes ago but I hadn’t missed the gentle pop of his gum. Smart boy, no tuna breath on premiere night. “Wouldn’t be anywhere else” I replied. Tom’s gentle smile was the last thing I remember seeing before the lights went off and the opening credits to the film started. 

 Before anyone can say it, I know what you’re thinking. You lucky bitch. You’re best friends with Tom Holland. I understand that because Tom is one of the greatest guys that you’ll ever meet. But not for the reasons that most of the fangirls think. Yeah, the man was fucking gorgeous, I’m his best friend but I have eyes. Buffer than a Norse god and more swag that a billionaire playboy philanthropist but that wasn’t the reason that I was so lucky. I saw a side to him that most people didn’t, I saw sleepy Tom falling asleep in front of the TV watching reruns of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I saw Tom shitting himself watching the remake of IT. I saw him crying over a puppy video on his Facebook and I saw him proudly smiling at his phone when he finally did something right on Instagram. He was and always had been a great guy. 

But enough about Tom, let’s get back to where we were. 

The premiere went better than expected and I loved the new film, Tom had the gall to laugh at me when I was sobbing towards the end of the movie. That earned him a punch to the stomach that Nikki would have been proud of. Stupid boy, I can’t get through a damn one of his movies without tearing up. Damn almost had a crying fit when I watched The Impossible. Now, remember I was around 13 when the premiere of that film happened and the thought of anything happening to Tom back then was more than my pimpley hormone fuelled heart could take. Tom had to come out of the premiere and hold me for twenty minutes whilst I sobbed, repeatedly reminding me it was a film and he wasn’t going to leave me anytime soon. Yeah, It wasn’t my proudest moment. It was one of my favourite Tom memories though. 

“So, What did you think?” Tom asked as the lights came back on. I looked up at him through my panda eyes where my mascara had run and gave him the dirtiest look I could manage. “You said it wasn’t sad” I accused, rubbing at my eyes profusely “You lied to me” 

“You cry at every one of my premieres, when are you going to learn to wear waterproof mascara?” Toma asked, pulling his sleeve down over his hand and taking a swipe at the mascara running down my cheeks.  “What’s life without a little risk?” I smirked, he shook his head at me, his hand gripping my chin tighter as he gently wiped my face, in the back of a movie theatre with the sleeve of his suit. Oh the class

“You have got to stop rewatching Harry Potter” He sighed

“Says the person who bought me the boxset” I returned. “Not to watch everyday” He laughed, seeming happy enough with his handiwork. He let go of my face. Part of me instantly missed his touch. “And I suppose a great muggle like yourself is going to stop me?” I laughed. Tom looked at me with great disapproval. Tom had never understood my obsession with Harry Potter. A diehard Marvel fan instead, there was no room in his head for anything except Spiderman. The more I think about it, the more I realise that him not being Spiderman for the MCU was utterly preposterous. The man had spiderman bedding, granted Paddy currently slept on those but still, the man lived and breathed Marvel. 

“You’re lucky I put up with your arse. Now, what did you actually think?” He asked standing up and holding his hand out to help me up and out of the mostly empty theatre.

“I love it” I smiled. “You really pulled at my heartstrings. Are you going to introduce me to Chris Pratt now?” I asked, fluttering my wet eyelashes at Tom in faux flirtation 

“And have to bail you out of prison after you flash at him? No chance” He laughed, gripping my hand tighter and scoffing at my flirtation persuasion attempt. “Indecent exposure is a misdemeanour, I’ll skip prison” I replied. “I’m still not introducing you, in fact. I’m skipping the afterparty all together” He smiled. We’d reached the door to the cinema. Everyone was pretty much gone. There were a few stragglers that were walking around talking on the phone or waiting for taxis home I imagined. There was a teenaged girl that looked up when she saw Tom and let out the most adorable squeak. I pulled on his hand and made him stop to take a picture with her, not that Tom needed forcing to be nice to his fans but Tom could be oblivious and she struck me as the type of girl that wouldn’t have the balls to come over and ask for a picture. 

“So, want me to drop you off?” he asked, sliding into the driver’s seat. I heard the leather screech and he settled himself comfortably and reached for his seatbelt. 

“To the house exactly three doors down from yours?” I laughed, sliding into the passenger’s seat and instantly reaching for the radio, turning on signal one on low. 

“Well actually,” He said pausing and waiting for me to fasten my seatbelt before starting the car “I was wondering if I could stay at your house tonight?” He asked. “My house? With my mother?” I asked, knowing that my mother wasn’t at the house but playing hard to get all the same. 

“Isn’t she working at the care home tonight?” He pointed out. The beams from the traffic lights bounced across his face as he drove and I found myself watching the patterns with interest. “I’m not sure if I should find it creepy that you know her rota or not, why are you planning on getting me alone?” I asked, regarding him with a fake expression of fear and distrust. 

“I want to spend time with my best friend, and also not be surrounded by my parents right now” He replied, his shoulders tensed at the mention of his parents and I instantly understood. “I see where this is going, Nikki still hasn’t come around to the idea of you moving out, has she?” I asked laughing, “She would come around to it a lot easier if you’d come live with me,” He said turning on to our street. The sight of the familiar street made my heart happy in a weird way. “And add fuel to our families attempts at marrying us off?” I asked. I watched the smirk stretch across his face, Tom found our parents inability to accept our friendship as what it was utterly hilarious, I, however, found every single attempt that they made to push us closer together completely humiliating. “Why ruin the habit of a lifetime?” He said as he parked perfectly in front of my house. I got out of the car in lieu of answering the question. I turned to head up the path my front garden, slowing my pace only slightly in order for Tom to catch up to me, and also because my feet were killing me in these heels. 

As I suspected, Tom appeared at my side within seconds and I sent him a bemused smile. I opened the door and headed inside. I kicked my heels off and turned around to hang my coat up, to find Tom still outside the door. I cocked my head at him in question. 

“What are you a vampire? Need an invite?” I asked. He didn’t laugh  

“You never actually said I could stay over,” He said in explanation, digging his feet in the dirt as if he actually expected me to deny him access to what I suspected has become like a second home to him too. He really was a perfect gentleman. 

“Come in, you fucking idiot”. I laughed. “You better not hog the blanket this time”

[jkandjm]

.....

So...

I have been staring at the same Jikook gif for the past 30 minutes trying to get it to save in my gallery, ( I have the worst internet connection istg ) and I noticed something....

Jungkook left home at a stupid young age and joined BTS at 15, I believe,not to mention most of his time was spent training and being overseas for dance beforehand....

And I noticed that Jungkook didn't get those last few years of affection and knowledge that a child would normally get....

And Jimin..... just being Jimin, seemed fill in every thing, it makes sense...

He is affectionate, understanding, EXTREMELY patient👀, and mature and so much more, Jimin fills the void of what Jungkook missed and is the person he wants to explore more with.

It hurt a little seeing fetus Jikook moments, not gonna lie, but Jimin was already sure of himself even then. He spoke of already knowing the outcome of displaying how he felt about Jungkook....

Jungkook was in the early stages of noticing life as it really is, so now I understand his actions and why he seemed closer to Taehyung who came off friendlier, don't get me wrong there are some moments Tae did questionable things😅( I used to ship them myself) but I have seen more romantic chemistry between him and Hoseok but anyway.

In the logs and shows from fetus days and you see a lot of times that Jungkook realizes that he's doing things that he doesn't realize that he's doing...or realizes later and seems confused with himself.

Catching himself looking at Jimins lips, but still seems to shift right back down to them.

Taking pictures with him and ends up up staring.

Sleeping in Jimins bed, (that smells like Jimin😐).

Caressing Jimins arm then staring at his own hand as if it isn't his.

He was a lost boy, too shy to even shower when the others were awake, which means I'm pretty sure he was just as closed off to ask anyone about how he felt and what to do about it....

Jimin has always been shameless, tbh, in spite of his insecurities, we have seen many examples. But he always put others before himself,so it makes sense as to why he said the others would look at him weird if he said how he felt and seemed to beat himself up over it...

Jungkook never hated Jimin...never did.

Jungkook just didn't know what to do....

Running and fighting is the most common self defense mechanism....so that's what he did.

I would honestly be worried if he didn't act the way he did.

I personally believe that Jungkook went through a few years of confusion before he became completely comfortable about how sure he felt about himself and Jimin as a person.

Jungkook hasn't seen Jimin as a hyung in years, he sees Jimin as a person. During his after- graduation video in the car with V and Jimin, he literally starts arguing with Jimin that he has been an adult for a while now before the video abruptly jumps to a later time. He has never done this this to any other members. He specifically wants Jimin to see him as a man, not a baby bro.

Jungkook was taking baby steps while Jimin was already flying.

Slowly over time he opened up and became more loud, sometimes he was clingy, then he wasn't, sometimes he did some dumb shit, but don't we all🤷🏾‍♀️? He was making progress.

Many say that Jimin backed off because he got tired of trying, I think Jimin saw him making an effort to understand himself and gave him breathing room to do so, he never got sick of JK. I used to think so too but no, now I can't see it.

Jimin came up overcoming his own obstacles, fighting his own battles and doing the impossible even before BTS,to me, he knew himself already. You know how Korea feels about homosexuality, it makes sense to give someone some air especially if you were JK age and were experiencing these type of feelings....but he changed.

Jungkooks reaction during the radio interview of Jimin explaining why he liked him...

Jungkook smiling at Jimin when he walked by...

Jungkook reaction to Jimin dancing...

Them being attached to the hip....

Never apart after concerts....

Jungkook emotional on stage having to sing Jimins part after Jimins fainting incident....

Jungkook saying if he was a girl, he would date Jimin....

Jungkook hugging Jimin to sleep....

Jimin simply fits with Jungkook perfectly, the petting, and affectionate comforting, the buying him food, all-nighter buddies, getting him outta his shell, being his shoulder to cry on, the ear to release his thoughts to, and the one to receive advice from as well teach, shows that there is no bond that comes close to theirs.

They are all close, don't get me wrong but not as close them. The proof is the atmosphere when something is wrong and how the others react.

They back off and watch from a distance...

If something is wrong with Jungkook, it's go get Jimin and back up. If something is wrong with Jimin, he hides it from everyone because he's Jimin.

Hes just that selfless, that he doesn't want to add issues, or he feels burdensome. If he is seen, he's quick to reassure as if his well-being doesn't matter(😞).

But the person that always makes him happy, who makes him laugh... is Jungkook. His actual resting cold face, breaks into the biggest smile because of him.

When he missed up a step in B.T.S. of Fire, he laughed it off with Jungkook....

When JK does random things that are not even meant to be funny whose cackling in the background?.. Jimin

Whose the one person who always receives special treatment from Jimin...Jungkook.

They fit together so perfectly...

They are what the other was missing..

Introverted JK, not expecting much from himself (even though he was wanted left and right by many) needing guidance, and affection, receiving and embracing it from someone who never gave up on him despite his "virginity" of understanding actual feelings.

Extroverted JM who had fans before BTS was even thought about, which led him to being a perfectionist at an premature age yet matured him before his time. SO much was expected of him and it has been stated of him being great in dance and athletics. His cold demeanor fades because of a guy with big eyes, a big nose and big bunny teeth....

It sounds fake....

It sounds like a fairytale....

It sounds cliche as fuck...

But cliches come from something right???

And to top the cake, the story of JKs parents is literally the same as theirs....

They are just meant to be...

........

Jungkook is Jimins weakness.

Jimin is Jungkooks home.

💜💜💜💜💜🐥🐇💜💜💜💜💜