#ignore this im procrastinating studying

[leadandblood]

The sheer amount of cunt packed into like three seconds. i love him. Thank you Liam.

[ghostlyheart]

as we approach the start of a new semester i'm sending all the compassion and empathy in the world to students who struggle with procrastination and what I affectionately like to call the Shame Monster that goes along with it. it sucks to always be treading water and feeling like a fraud to yourself and others, especially when it's something you truly care about. if you're always thinking "why can everyone else be responsible and organized but not me," your brain is overgeneralizing. you're not the only person to experience being overwhelmed and stuck. and even IF everyone else balanced their life perfectly, that wouldn't make you a bad person for struggling. if you care about something but keep avoiding it and don't understand why, there is probably more going than you realize. if your physical and mental health are being neglected, then you're never going to be able to accomplish what you want to do because you don't have any gas in the tank. it took me crashing and failing last semester for me to finally admit to myself that i was suffering from some SERIOUS burnout. i had this whole plan for research i was going to do over the summer and all these opportunities i wanted to take advantage of that i couldn't do because i was neglecting to take care of myself. the worst thing my anxious brain told me could ever happen did happen and i'm still alive. i hope that doesn't happen to you, but know you can recover and come back better. also: it's okay to stop wanting what you thought you wanted, or to take a different path than the one you were "supposed" to. don't do things because you think other people expect you to, or because you think it's too late to change your mind. that isn't sustainable. your college experience is for YOU, not for other people. you can do this!

[fluffylino]

minho helps you let out your pent-up emotions

-contains mature themes

"you've been having an attitude since morning" minho hissed out, hips brutally thrusting into you.

"that isn't your p-problem" you practically shouted. body squirming from how much he had edged you.

minho's face morphing into an annoyed expression. your stomach doing flips when he shot you a glare.

you didn't mean to shout. he had unknowingly hit that spongey spot inside of you.

saying sorry was too late now. you had your pride. yet you were still scared of how he'd react.

"it is my fucking problem" he answered back, sitting on his haunches.

"if you're in pain. im in pain"

staring down at you. lazily thrusting inside of your sopping heat.

"start talking" you threw your head to the side.

whenever you got like this he'd make you open up. you were the type to keep things to yourself.

and minho knew about it.

you had even asked him to help you talk more about your feelings. why you had gotten so worked up. and snapped at him when he asked if you wanted to watch a movie with him.

"no..." you mumbled, eyes watering. he sighed, pushing his hair back.

"fine. be that way"

"i'll just fuck it out of you"

stifling your moans against your arm when he used all his strength to rail you. his hand roughly pulling your arm that was covering you mouth.

"m-minho" you mumbled, trying to look at him. but he ignored you. choosing to keep his eyes fixed on where he entered your cunt.

"minnie"

tears welling up in your eyes. a few slipping out. why wouldn't he look at you.

you deserved to be treated like this. he didn't deserve to be the brunt of your outburst.

his fingers reaching up to hold your waist. making you meet his thrusts. you felt like all your pent up emotions were letting loose. thighs trembling.

his eyes finally meeting yours.

he cooed.

"there we go..." a feeling of accomplishment in his tone. you were crying. broken sentences.

"n-not studied...exam"

he understood. humming in response. exams were in a month and you were stressed. you'd kept procrastinating until finally you were pacing.

it was all your fault. minho seemed to notice how you fell into a dark place.

choosing to ask you. yet you yelled at him. you didn't mean to hurt him. it was all a mistake.

"what do you have to say to me?" he whispered, just for you to hear.

"m'sorry. i didn't mean to be rude.."

"no more thinking now kitten. im here" you sniffled. feeling much better after he accepted your apology.

whining as he pulled out completely.

"get on top" he instructed, sitting upright. successfully pulling your limp body on him. gently lifting you up and sliding right back in.

"always so tight for me" he moaned out. you grinded down on him. letting out little noises as he made you ride him. hands firmly holding your waist.

lips kissing up your neck and gradually going lower. until he mouthed at your tits. sticking his tongue out playfully to toy at them. eyes locked onto yours with a flirty glimmer in them.

"h-hurts" you mumbled, thighs aching. you tried though to keep your composure. how could you let him do all the hard work.

instantly his hands slid down, kneading at your thighs. easing out your tense muscles.

"relax for me" he said in a hushed tone. practically melting against him. his dick still in you.

"let me take care of you princess"

.

.

.

[reclinepilled]

needy, e.w.

cw: fluff!!! little angst, pet names (baby, beautiful, sweetheart, princess, gorgeous) like one curse word, reader yells at ellie, reader cries a teeny tiny bit, no masc/fem roles are established

desc: gamer!ellie is glued to her game while your patience runs short. also soft!ellie🙏.

a/n: happy march 1st guys! i wanted to share something i wrote while procrastinating some work. thanks for all the support on my last two posts. also the anon that sent in the request, im working on it <3 thank you for reading and reblogs are welcomed and greatly appreciateddd !

wc: 801 (i think)

PLEASE READ HERE ON INFORMATION ABOUT AND HOW TO HELP PALESTINE!!!

you try not to be so needy, you really do. however, your heart can't help but get a little heavy watching ellie completely ignore your presence on one of your days off. and she's not even ignoring you to study or work, it's to play her stupid games.

sure, you played your fair share of video games, as you had an undying love for that one genre. however, you didn't come over under the impression that you'd be getting lonely in her bed, angry, while occasionally letting out a frustrated sigh. she didn't pay attention to those, too busy yelling at her friends on whatever fps shooter she was glued to.

you got angrier and angrier thinking about it and listening to her mash the buttons on her keyboard and throw insults out into her mic. you swear you can feel the annoyance in your bloodstream. you just wanted to do skincare and facemasks, watch some movies, and maybe even bake with your girlfriend. you decide to put your anger aside and give her the benefit of the doubt. you get up from her bed to remind her of what you two had planned. maybe she forgot?

"ellie, baby?" you say as you grab her shoulder softly to get her attention. she glances up at you then moves her headset off one of her ears, "yea- jesse, what the hell! he was literally one hp!" she yells. "anyways, sorry, what's up?" ellie finally gives you two scoops of her attention. "el, i thought we were gonna spend time together..," you say, shifting your weight to one leg as you cross your arms. "yea, yea, of course. just give me five more minutes," ellie says as she turns back to her game. "you literally said that 30 minutes ago, el," you sigh. "i mean it this time," ellie turns to you, doing a puppy face jokingly.

any other time you would burst into a fit of laughter, however right now, you were genuinely pissed off. you stare at her for a few seconds in silence, she stares back. her face slowly drops as she realizes you're pretty upset. next thing you know, you've reached over and put her pc into sleep mode. "y/n! why!??" she whines like a teenage boy going through puberty. "because, i came over on my day off to spend time with you, i could be getting a manicure or something.. but i've spent nearly an hour and a half watching you play this shitty game!" you yell then you walk out of her room, fed up. you grab your bag next to the couch and start to put your belongings away.

"sweetheart! i'm sorry, i really am!" she says as she follows you out of the room. you ignore her, now putting your bag on your shoulder. "look," ellie comes in front of you and softly slides the bag off of your shoulder, she notices how you're still looking down. she gently grabs your shoulders while looking down at you with an apologetic look on her face, "i am so sorry, i just got caught up in the game. i enjoy you being here, and i find your presence so comforting, beautiful. i never meant to make you feel unappreciated, i'm sorry once again." she takes her hand and lifts your face up, and notices your tear stained cheeks.

ellie's heart quite honestly shattered into a million pieces, she didn't know she made you feel so bad but she understands now. "baby, we can do whatever you want," she pulls you into a meaningful embrace while rubbing your back. "els, i love you, sorry for yelling and overreacting-" she cuts you off, "no don't apologize, it was pretty justified, i was being dumb," she lets out an airy laugh, "i love you back, princess."

she could feel you smile against her chest and it felt like 10 tons were lifted off of her back. she pulls away to place a soft kiss on your forehead, then your nose, one on your cheek, and long one on your lips.

you straddle her on her bed while softly chuckling at the cute fuzzy animal headband you placed on ellie's head. you roll the jade roller all over her face, working in the serum you applied before. you can't help but admire how pretty she is. her constellations of freckles, each one so unique, her breathtaking deep eyes, and her long lashes you were so jealous of. little did you know, she was doing the same. you looked like a goddess from this angle, the light cascading down on your perfect figure emphasizing it. "hey baby?" ellie grabs your wrist. "yea, gorgeous?" you slightly lean back from her face, raising a brow.

"it's really hot when you yell at me."

reclinepilled

please do not plagiarize any of my works or post them on other websites without given permission !

[4rinw]

my recent manifestations !

i just wanted to share some of the things ive successfully manifested recently. i hope this can give yall at least some inspiration or motivation! we can manifest anything yall. the sky is the limit!

ps. all i did to manifest these was affirm and persist!

i. good grades

weirdly enough, i feel like good grades are the easiest to manifest. like idk i just imagine the grade im gonna get and i usually get that exact grade. and in my school we have weekly tests on diff subjects and i usually never study, like literally. i just assume im gonna do great and ive consistently ranked in the top 3 in my grade!

also this was a few months ago, but in my country theres this really important exam that you have to take and the pressure to do well is super high. i literally did not study for it at all even though i had all the time in the world (procrastination fr). but i still got 85% as my overall grade just by affirming and persisting!

ii. desired friend group

i transferred to a new school this year and i was super worried i would have no friends TT i was super anxious and i was affirming im gonna find the perfect friends lol. and literally on the first day i met the nicest girl ever and she just adopted me into her friend group and im having so much fun at school because of them now. like theyre the nicest people ever and we connect super duper well.

iii. clear skin

god knows how long ive been struggling with acne. but recently i decided enough is enough and just started ignoring it. like whenever i see pimples or any acne, i just gaslit myself and was like wdym i have the clearest skin everrr and my skins the clearest its ever been! like literally even my mom has been noticing and complimenting me lol

[feelingthedisaster]

so, me and my mom's bonding activity is to watch shows together, so this means i get to hear her live commentary and opinions. i made a list of my favourites

(disclaimer: this doesnt mean i agree/support what she said)

she talked about jared padalacki and jensen ackles's hotness through supernatural, but not like who's hotter or aged like wine/aged badly, she talked about it in an analytical sense: how the producers used their physical attributes for views and how it changed their portrait as the fans reacted/the actores aged (she says sam started as the 'pretty boy' of the show but as it progressed it stopped)

she insists the actor of eddie was going through some health issues during the filming of season six of 911. her reasoning is that they didnt show his abs as much as they did in the previus seasons so they were covering something up (yep, she went "im not seeing my regular order of firefighter abs, something is wrong")

on the same lane, she also says he got better bc they did show his abs more in season 7

"is this by netflix, right? the intros are all the same"

she diagnosed castiel with autism (she is a psychologist btw)

intense staring at me when rosa diaz came out as bi (which i obviusly ignored)

*watching the harry styles fanfiction movie* me: "dont you ever do that to me" / her: "all your faves are dead"

a lot of complains about the recycling and predictability of the plot of supernatural

an incredible awkard car conversation about lockwood's survivor guilt (we googled his backstory) as the reason of his reckless/almost suicidal actions [she clearly did not want to add to the conversation but i guess the psychologist in her had to]

spn s8, aaron flirting with dean scene "they are making dean gay, arent they?" (didnt tell her anything, there some things you gotta let them figure out on their own)

*edwin payne exists* "well, that's a repressed gay"

[context: we watch shows in english with english subtitles but we are not from a english speaking country, she learned english when she was young and i currently go to classes] me: "i dont need to study for the english test i have tomorrow, i just need to watch one more episode. in fact, tv is actively studying for the listening comphrension part" / her: "right, then im not procrastinating work, im just helping my daughter study for her test then" / "right" / "right"

[evadnesworld]

random thought as i struggle to beat my goofy ahh procrastination, various x reader

zayne who greatly aides with procrastination, as a doctor (genius may i add) who has done so many experiments, dealt with many patients, and has probably written various research articles; he knows how to deal with procrastination.

he hands you a warm cup of tea and a sweet treat; sits next to you; and starts studying; making sure youre engaged.

rating? 10/10, he definitely helps with productivity.

rafayel who is down to study with you (or work) with you so you can get your things done.

but, he's not that helpful. in between staring at your constantly with a pout on his face since you try to ignore him when he gets insufferable, and also being engaged in his artwork (hes drawing you btw). you get some things done, but definitely not everything- he helps with productivity, but hes the cause for a good chunk of your distractions.

id rate him an 7.9/10

xavier who is the worst study partner to graze this universe. hes very much down to study with you, although all your attention will be away from him- hed rather make sure youre happy with yourself and your progress.

however, he sucks at studying when he has such a beautiful sight in front of him! it just lulls him to sleep. and youre typing or writing- its like a lullaby. his presence does indeed aid with the alleviation of procrastination, but he wont be getting much work done; maybe in his dreams but right now hes sleeping. no studying or working. sleeping. at least hes making sure hes well rested?

also he might drag you to bed too.

i rate him a 7.1/10

sylus? (take this with a grain of salt i havent unlocked him cuz i wanna finish the chapters in order) does indeed help you with studying. like all the other boys he wants you to not be stressed with deadlines and studying for that upcoming 12 page math exam you have. (projecting)

but, be careful what you wish for. because when you get to studying, he'll make sure youre studying. so that means no breaks to oogle at him, and tease him. nope! not right now, lock in!!!

then, if he sees you get distracted he'll tease you until you start working again, or he'll tease you so much that you decide to call it a day so you can get back at him. he wont let you live it down though, if you stop studying because of him.

id rather him an insufferable/10

(jk) id rate him a 8.7/10

dividers by @/kthice, @/strangergraphics-archive, and @/anitalenia

gotta do 200 math questions by tomorrow!! and its 8pm btw!!! im tweaking out if you couldnt tell.

[homunculus-argument]

hi im so sorry if you've already answered something like this, please ignore if so, but I've just read your adhd saw trap post, and im newly diagnosed but unmedicated (parents won't let me) and im stuggling severely, I've been failing classes in university and I'm in a very competitive uni so it's really taking a toll,,, i was just wondering if you had any tips for unmedicated and unmanaged adhd??? i procrastinate so severely that I've given every exam in the last year with about 4 hours of prep, earlier i would atleast kickstart my brain a day ago but it's just not working anymore and i feel so empty because nothing matters enough to even make me panic enough to study ifykwim? this has gotten very rambly as well im so sorry

Honestly, I have no idea either. I was so fucked before I got medicated, there's a clear-cut before-and-after line in my life on when I first got on meds. So best I can suggest is find some alternative way to get medicated, I guess. Try to hang in there, try to postpone being in university until you've got the chance to make your own medical desicions, if that's possible. I don't know, I never made it to uni. I wasn't managing at all unmedicated.

[wowcatboys]

Hi! Ur one of my favorite csm fanfic writers, and I hope you have a good day today. Since your request is still open, Im going to take advantage of it haha.... Can you write a headcanon for Quanxi, Power, and Makima where their s/o is a med student and they are struggling to adjust to a VERY busy schedule with almost no time for socializing outside of school and internships? There are also times where they sleep at 1:00 a.m. and wake up at 5:00 a.m., which is probably because I procrastinate A LOT and Im still wondering how I am still alive today.

Hi!! Thank you 🖤 I hope your studies are going well! (and dear LORD babe please get more sleep if you're reading this go to bed RIGHT NOW)

(Fem pronouns for Quanxi, GN for Power/Makima)

Quanxi

Quanxi isn't particularly social herself, so she struggles to understand why you miss parties with your friends or getting dinner with your family. After all, you're working hard towards a career you're passionate about, and the two of you have a good thing going. What more could a sweet, driven girl like yourself want? Still, she doesn't like seeing you stressed, so she makes it a point to get you out of the house on weekends. "You can do this later," she tells you, shutting your textbook despite your protests. "All your friends are already at the restaurant, and we'll only stay for a little while." She ensures you slip a little time for yourself in your packed schedule, even if going out to bowling alleys or movie theaters with your friend group isn't her favorite. At least she gets to hold your hand the whole time.

She's a master at taking care of her girl—Quanxi always makes sure that you're comfortable, even three hours deep into test-prep. She knows your favorite source of caffeine and keeps it on-hand 24/7. Whenever she notices your eyes start drooping, she wordlessly places a tall glass at your elbow, placing a quick kiss on the top of your head. If it's cold, she grabs a blanket and your favorite socks. If it's been a few hours since lunch and you're blatantly ignoring your rumbling tummy, Quanxi pops out to grab your favorite take-out. You never have to ask; she just knows what you need, and provides it without delay.

Though Quanxi worries about your sleeping habits and demanding schedule, she knows you're an adult and can manage yourself. She doesn't nag or chide you if you're putting your studies first, and forgetting to shower every now-and-then. She does what she can to help, and she always, always tells you she's proud of you. Whenever you're ready to scream at the paper you're writing or about to cry into a pile of flashcards, she gently rubs your shoulders. "Hey," she says, "You're working hard. I'm so proud of you." Maybe to anyone else it wouldn't seem like much, but Quanxi is so sincere and tender as she works the knots out of your tired shoulders. Her quiet words are almost always enough to give you a second wind.

Despite her policy to let you do your own thing, Quanxi does get after you if she notices you procrastinating. She knows you need a break sometimes, but she also knows if you put off your work too long you'll be ten times as stressed when you're staring down a looming deadline. "Hey, cutie," she pinches your cheek, gentle but insistent enough to make you scrunch your nose up. "You better hit the books." If you protest, she raises an eyebrow at you. "You know I'm right. Just work on it for a little bit, and then we can cuddle and watch your favorite show or something." As you pass her by, grumbling about your workload, she smacks your ass for good measure. It's usually enough to make you smile back at her, and stop complaining.

Quanxi buys you a set of scrubs in your favorite color. "So my girl won't forget about me, even when she's busy," Quanxi teases, and you roll your eyes. You reassure her with a kiss that of course you'd never forget about her, and she ruffles your hair fondly. It's your favorite set of scrubs, and you wear them almost twice a week.

Power

Power absolutely. hates. your jam-packed schedule. In her opinion, you should be devoting all that time to her! After all, you two could be having so much fun! Why dedicate hours to your internships and classes when the two of you could be out getting soft serve, going to fairs and winning goldfish, or eating exclusively the meat at monjayaki restaurants? She despises the fact that she has to share you with your studies. With a little help from Denji, though, she leaves you alone to do your work. If you ask her to scope out date locations, she's eager to hit the city and plan a perfect date for you two. Just bribe Denji with a handful of Family Burger coupons and he's willing to chauffer her. You get a nice, long day of peace and quiet to cram your studies into and, as a bonus, you get to look forward to whatever date spot Power's deemed a necessity to visit, whenever you've got the ever-rare free afternoon. The cramming might seem counter-intuitive, but it actually helps you get things done faster. It's harder to procrastinate when Power's asking for constant updates on your progress, eager for you to be done so she can have you all to herself.

Whenever you're settled on the couch for a study session, Power comes to cuddle up with you. She'll splay out across your lap or nuzzle her chin into the space between your neck and shoulder. She summons every single ounce of self-control she has to stay quiet and still, so you can keep studying. At first it's pretty difficult for her to resist the urge to poke your face or put Meowy on your head, but as she gets used to the quiet, she finds she starts to enjoy these gentle, low-key moments with you. Sure, she prefers being hyper and loud, but silently nestling into your side and soaking up your warmth is pretty nice, too.

Thrilled to have knowledge about something you're studying, Power is always eager to tell you about blood. How it feels when she's directing its energy, the way it almost hums beneath her fingertips as she molds it to her will. It's not something you'll find in any textbook, and your professors probably won't quiz you on how blood "feels"—but it's still fascinating stuff. Whenever you're diving into the specifics of how blood flows through the heart or mapping out arteries and veins, you tell Power about your studies. You listen eagerly as for every fact you give her, she tells you something about blood that you'd never find in any textbook.

Power absolutely insists that you get enough sleep. Pulling an all-nighter is simply not an option. "My human," she commands, closing her hands around your shoulders, " 'Tis time for us to go to bed." If you protest, telling her you'll come in a few hours, she pouts and shakes her head firmly. "Not an option! You must rest, and I must have someone to cuddle with." She'll physically pull you into bed if she has to. If you have to get up early to finish something, she'll begrudgingly allow it, but going to sleep together is non-negotiable.

All of your notes and flashcards are littered with Power's doodles. It's her way of cheering you up when you're three hours deep into studying the brain. Little scribbles of stars and hearts and hammers (don't ask), or sketches of Meowy doing impossible things like fighting a supervillain or rolling up some sushi. She's not the best illustrator but her pictures definitely have heart, and they do the job of cheering you up splendidly.

Makima

Makima's no stranger to a busy schedule, so she completely understands your struggles. For her, maintaining a planner is a must and she'll gladly help you start one. She gets you a plain faux-leather journal, your name embossed on the cover in gold. Inside is a neat chart laying out the week in precise detail. There's a spot for to-do lists, due dates, progress trackers for big assignments. She's also included reminders to eat, stretch, and drink plenty of water in the margins. She really thought of everything, and if you end up using the planner to its fullest extent, it pretty much kills your procrastination problem. (It's much easier to get things done when it's broken down into efficient, day-by-day steps for you.) Pay attention, and you'll find new comments from your lover packed inside the margins. Simple things, like "Be sure to eat something nutritious today" or "Remember, you have to be at your internship an hour early on Tuesday.", penciled in her neat handwriting. It's not an "I love you"—she struggles with those—but for Makima, the simple care is close enough.

Outwardly, Makima is sympathetic when you lament that you've got no time for friends and family. She nods her head and frowns when you tell her it's been three weeks since you've gotten to go out on the weekend, and assures you that you'll be able to hit an izakaya or bowling alley with your friends soon. Inside, though, Makima likes that your busy schedule keeps you from interacting with people too much. This way, she gets to have you all to herself. Makima loves that you have precious little free time, and that you spend most of it on her. The less other people get to claim your attention, the better.

Instead of eating on her lunch break, Makima dedicates that hour to you. She comes by your place to share a quick lunch, or drives you to your internships. Even if it's only a twenty-minute car ride and a quick kiss before you hurry into your internship building, decked out in scrubs and eager to learn, Makima cherishes this rare time with you.

Sunday afternoons are scheduled date times. No matter what might be going on at work, Makima pushes it aside to spend the day with you, and she expects you to do the same. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Just getting coffee together or walking the dogs down a new path is enough. What matters is that the two of you, despite your demanding workloads, have time that's just for each other. She's not happy if you try to blow off your scheduled date to study. It's her favorite part of any week, so expect her to act cold for a few days if it's taken away from her.

Makima respects your work ethic, and she's incredibly proud of you. She makes it a rule not to bring her personal life into work—that would just make you a target—but she's hidden a photo of you, beaming at the camera in your scrubs, in her office. Whenever she's stressed, she pulls out that photograph and reminds herself how impressed she is with your hard work and diligence. It's enough to help her refocus and get her own work done.

Makima knows you're busy, so she likes to take care of your needs. Often, there's a healthy lunch she's put together for you in the fridge, a full bottle of filtered water in your bag, and a fresh notebook on hand in case you run out of paper. She prides herself on anticipating your needs. It sends a surge of satisfaction through her when you start to ask a question: "Darling, have you seen my—" only to cut yourself off as she holds up whatever you're looking for. She hands it off to you with a barely-there smug look and quick kiss to your nose. Now, if only she would look after her own daily needs with such dedication...

[nonexistent-introvert]

Attachments ( Busy pt 2)

Pairing: Javier Peña x f!reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: angst with comfort, Javier Peña himself, anyth you would expect from narcos, ONE shitty attempt at Spanish im sorry

A/N: wow, i did not realise how long writing takes me these days. Wrote this instead of studying for my exam in two days because procrastination is the time when ideas hit.

this can be read as a standalone (i think?) but would be better with context from pt 1

Busy pt 1

   Javier sat in Calderón’s car. The air was thick with tension. Javier wasn’t an idiot, he just preferred to ignore it. He knew Calderón was accommodating to him, which he appreciated however the trust that should be between them was almost non-existent. Not after Javier confiscated everyone’s devices but Javier wasn’t willing to take any chances today. Even if it came at the price of trust. 

   The sound of paper crinkling annoyed him. He turned in his seat, curious to find the source of the sound. He shot a judgemental look at Feistl who was holding onto a wrinkled piece of paper. Fesitl merely unfolded the paper for Javier to see, revealing a kid’s drawing. A drawing with what Javier presumed was Feistl holding his son’s hand. “My kid gave it to me right before I went on this buy-bust. Some Jamaican took a rip at me, missed by that much, so..” He trailed off, gesturing with his hand just how close the bullet came to hitting him. He peered out of the window, “I rub it for luck ever since.” Feistl admitted, meeting Javier's eyes. Javier looked down at the paper in his hands, his heart tightening with additional burden and he turned away. His thoughts went back to the woman he left back home if he could call his shitty apartment a home anyways. He braced his arm against the window, his index finger resting against his mustache. He remembered the necklace that you had bought him, it had a beautiful ring on the necklace but he never wore it. It was still safely kept in its original box, he had brought it with him here in his luggage even if he refused to put it on. You never said anything about him not wearing the necklace although he did notice the subtle disappointment on your face when your eyes fall onto his bare neck.   The necklace felt too heavy on his hands, he didn’t want to lose it. He didn’t want to stain the shiny metal with blood stains. The image of an unconscious him flashed into his mind, he was afraid that finding the necklace you had bought for him on his corpse would be too much to bear. If he was a more emotionally vulnerable man maybe he would turn back and ask Feistl how he bared to bring such a sentimental item along with him whenever he went. Was he not afraid of losing it or ruining it? Instead, Javier basked in the silence in the car. Reminding himself to focus on the mission instead. He had to make it back to you in one piece after all. 

   Javier Peña was not one to have attachments. Truth be told, he was afraid of them. Afraid that these attachments would become his weaknesses, afraid that these weaknesses would be exploited by the narcos. It was the whole reason why he slept around and stuck to one-night stands than a committed relationship. Having someone who he knew he was willing to jeopardise the entire mission for, it felt like a burden. 

   You weren’t a burden. He knew that. He thinks of himself as more of a burden than you. You have to carry the weight of his crimes, learn to protect yourself and yet you chose him, someone who couldn’t even afford a lazy weekend with you. 

   He pushed these thoughts away as he exited the vehicle. Forcing himself to be the cold DEA agent Peña, he wore it so often that it felt like his second skin. 

   The sound of Javier’s voice scolded you as you walked the streets of Bogotá. If he was here, he would be nagging at you, reminding you of the dangers that lingered in the darkness. You blasted the music louder into your ears, hoping to drown his voice out. Javier isn’t here, as much as you wanted him to be. You were losing your mind staying in the apartment. The news wasn’t filled with gruesome reports about terrorism, the Cali cartel didn’t work that way. However, the lack of information was killing you all the same, and every call scared you. You were terrified of receiving news of Javier all the same. 

    Connie welcomed you to come over any time. Just above the apartment that you shared with Javier. While you appreciate the sentiment, you were never one to share your emotional burdens. “Like poles are supposed to repel, not attract.” Steve had commented once about your relationship with Javier. A comment that earned him a smack from Connie. You supposed he was right, Javier and you were alike in many ways. It was the reason why the both of you had hit it off so well. 

    You shook the thoughts about Javier away, you were supposed to clear your mind. 

    Javier shouted for you, his steps quickening as he searched the apartment for you. “Fuck!” He ran his hands through his hair. It was almost midnight, where the fuck could you have been? His muscles were sore, practically begging him to rest but his panic overridden any kind of exhaustion he was feeling then. He stared at the beer bottles on the table, were you drunk? His worry only grew, he wouldn’t hesitate to use all of the DEA's resources to track you down now. “Por favor (please)” he muttered, praying for your safety. That his job hasn’t cost you your safety. 

    His prayers were answered when the sound of the door opening caught his attention. Javier immediately turned off his phone, the phone that he was about to use to call Steve. 

   “Where have you been?” You swore you were going crazy. His voice was haunting you the moment you stepped into your apartment. “Cariño what happened?” Javier’s voice got louder as he was overwhelmed with emotions. His eyes were on the tear in your pants which revealed a bleeding scrape on your knee. Your eyes met his and you let out a shaky breath. Javier’s back, he came home. 

  “I’m all good. No injuries, no bruises.” He assured.

  Unable to hold back your overwhelming emotions, you pressed yourself against him and kissed him. Javier was quick to reciprocate the kiss, his hands gripping onto your waist. 

Your fingers were tangled in the curls of his hair, his eyes searched for yours as the both of you tried to catch your breaths. “Did something happen?” there was a hint of apprehension in his voice, Javier wouldn’t forgive himself if something did happen to you. You shook your head, “I’m losing my mind.” You vaguely replied. His thumb traced your arms, frowning even more when he traced against a rough patch of skin. Javier gently turned your arm, revealing a burn scar. “I burnt myself when cooking the other day.” you quickly explained, seeing the flames rising in his eyes. Javier shook his head, “Please tell me the truth.” His eyes fell on your bloodied knee. I am Javier, I swear.” His eyes studied you, “I’ve just been so distracted and got so clumsy. I was just so worried.” Javier’s heart shattered at the admission, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “I'm sorry cariño, I’m so sorry.” Javier led you to the couch. He ran off into the kitchen before returning with a first aid kit. 

     “Look how the tables have turned.” You said as Javier kneeled in front of you and prepared to clean the injury on your knee. Javier didn’t say anything, he knew exactly how much pain you go through when you clean his wounds for him. The cracking of his heart at every pained groan and moan was almost too much to bear. If he was so miserable cleaning an injury that you had gotten by accident, he could only imagine the torture you go through knowing the reason he got those injuries was because of his job. 

   “I promised to talk. You have to talk to me too.” He started. Your eyes looked towards the direction of the fridge where the promise he had made to you was still stuck on the front door. “Javi…” Javier didn’t respond, too focused on cleaning the dried blood around the injury. “I’m just so afraid of losing you all the time.” “I always come back home cariño.” Javier sighed. “I’m just afraid of losing you Javi. Both mentally and physically. Sometimes you come back with bandages, wounds and bruises that you try to hide from me. On other days, you come back looking fine but the emotional turmoil has taken its toll on you. On exceptionally bad days you come home with both.” You gripped the cushions of the couch tightly, you knew the words you were admitting to now sounded selfish like you didn’t want to deal with his problems. Javier remained silent, he forced himself to come back home, even if he brought back all the worst parts of himself. He wanted to come home to you so that he didn’t have to make you worry. “Javi, I know that it comes with being a DEA agent. I have come to terms with it when I told you I wanted to pursue this relationship with you. Understanding you doesn’t make me worry any lesser and I will never forgive myself if you gave up on this because of me.” Javier finished up with the scrape on your knee. His brown eyes looking at yours, guilt pooling in his gut. Javier gently lifted your hand and pressed a kiss onto your knuckles before letting his forehead rest against it. A silent apology, even if he can’t promise that he would never let you worry again. 

    “I just wished we are a couple even outside of this house.” There is was, the conclusion that took you so long to figure out. Suddenly, you were glad that you had taken the walk to clear your head. “Cariño, I don’t understand.” He muttered. You inhaled, taking a deep breath to find the right words. “I’ve been out with you more often when we weren’t dating. We talked more when we weren’t dating. You kept in contact with me even if you were across the state.” You listed, frowning slightly. “We seemed more like a couple when we weren’t officially dating.” Javier’s breath stilled, finally understanding your point. Once he started dating you, he drifted. Too afraid that he would put you in danger, afraid that when the narcos saw him getting close to you they would use you against him. He doubted anyone else in the embassy even knew he has a girlfriend other than Steve. “Steve calls home whenever he gets the chance to, the longest he went MIA was 5 days and Connie almost tore his head off for that.” You chuckled weakly as you recalled Connie telling you about it. “Even Pablo kept in contact with his wife when he was on the run.” Javier's fists clenched, it wasn’t nice being compared to Pablo but you were right, even he had sought out ways to keep in contact with his family. If he had almost lost all cool when he couldn’t find you in the apartment just an hour ago, he could only imagine what you felt when he doesn’t return home for weeks without any form of contact. 

    “You go weeks on end without contacting me and you appear at the door like an abandoned puppy. I love you Javi, I really do but I’m losing my mind wondering if you’re even dead or alive. I search for you desperately on news channels in case something happened, every call scares the shit out of me because I’m terrified of receiving bad news about you.”     “I’ll call. I’ll be with you” Javier simply promised, no arguments no nothing. He was so afraid of burying you with his sins, so afraid of losing you that he didn’t even realise that you were slowly slipping from his fingers. He blinked a few times, trying to hold back the tears threatening to fall. You looked at him, unsure of how to feel about his abrupt agreement. “I’m sorry cariño. I really am. I was just afraid that they would see me with you and I’ll…” Javier trailed off, shaking the horrifying thoughts from his mind. He had enough nightmares about things he saw with his two eyes, he didn’t need to add to the list.

   Javier pulled you into his lap, leaning his head against your shoulder while you circled your arms around his neck. Javier was never one for words, his touch was enough to convey his guilt and apologies that he could never express with words. 

  “Ooh Peña, sporting a new look?” Steve whistled upon seeing Javier. Javier grinned, picking up the ring on the necklace that you had bought him. “Needed something bright in my life,” Javier commented on how the ring sparkled lightly under the lights. “She really is bright. Getting you to come around.” Steve stated, knowing exactly where the necklace came from. He always hated Javier for being a stubborn mule. 

   Javier thought back on the grin on your face, the euphoria at seeing the necklace on his neck despite you trying your best to hide it. He smiled, “She really is.” he commented, tracing the ring with his thumb. 

   The necklace represented the promise he made to you, the promise to be with you for better or for worse. 

   When the time is right, he will make that promise official legally as well.

[desultory-suggestions]

hi there, thank you so much for running this blog! i have been following you for a long time and appreciate what you do so much, and i’ve been struggling with something and was looking for an ear or some advice so i thought i would come here.

this summer has been pretty hard on me mentally for a few reasons. being back home with family, as I live across the country for university and even studied abroad this semester, it’s always an adjustment living with people I love but sometimes struggle dealing with. i’m also back to an environment where I have no strict schedule, less friends, no privacy, no personal space, etc., and i got pretty sick for a portion of the summer.

this is my last summer before i graduate and i put many expectations on myself for how it would go (fun/personal life wise, but also academics/career wise). despite this sense of urgency and also these expectations, this past month of june i basically just rotted away in my bed, feeling depressed and anxious and not really doing anything about it. i did go out and about a few times and even got myself hired for two jobs, but there were so many responsibilities i ignored while rotting away and just feeling miserable for myself. now im finally clawing my way out of this hole i dug for myself, and im realizing how much i screwed myself over—all of the things i need to do would have been so much easier and enjoyable (!!!!!) had i not procrastinated. it feels like my memory for june is mainly just a haze when it could have been so great.

my question is—how do i cope with these feelings of self-disappointment, and almost self-disgust for the time i lost? for the moments i could have been better but didn’t? how do i cope with the knowledge that my summer could have looked totally different now, and that the power was in my hands to change it? the rest of my summer is looking pretty busy as i scramble to pick up the missing pieces, and im sad because i wanted it to feel special since it’s my last summer of university. any time i acknowledge the challenges i faced and the victories i did have just feels like making excuses for myself.

anyways, sorry for this ramble, and thank you for your time! i hope you are doing well and enjoying yourself.

Hello, dearest. First of all I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. I know right now you’re struggling with these heavy feelings, and it’s important to know that despite your inner struggles you are seen and loved and respected by those around you.

It sounds like you have worked very hard and been very busy for a long time. I know as a full time college student myself that the amount of work expected of us is often unbearable. People talk about it like a simple process, a part time commitment. It is not! You have been working a constant minimum of a full time job, plus additional work for pay, plus travel, plus family and friends needs, plus basic self care. Of course all of this can be so overwhelming and lead to a sense of burn out. Changing the language you use is giving reasons is not making excuses. Cultivate a mindset of correcting yourself:

“I’m making excuses -> I’m acknowledging the challenges and moving forward.”

I found quickly into college my high achiever mindset flipped into a constant sense of failure. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right, and like I just fell behind everyone else I respect. I wallowed in this for far too long, so trust me when I tell you not to spend all your time worrying about the past. Everyone has had a time like these, sometimes weeks, months, and sometimes years. But it is never too late to change the present and future.

You may not feel like it, but if summer meant laying in bed and barely doing anything maybe that’s what you needed. If your body and mind were too beaten down to do much, that’s not your fault. Remember that you are just one person, and this was one summer. You will have countless more summers to live out your dreams. Summer 2022 I barely left my room, depression, anxious, I pretty much rotted in bed! I was burnt out and struggling. Summer 2023 I worked my ass off at my new job, made friends, and started going to parties and even a music festival. Summer 2024 is now, and I’m in a solid mix of work, school, friends, and working to take care of myself. Life will not always look how we imagine it too, but often it will turn out much better.

Nothing that has already happened can be changed, all you have power over is the current and the future. Tons of people express the same sentiment to me

“I didn’t do X and now all I do is Y and it makes me feel Z so I don’t do X!”

And I totally understand! But this is the trap right here! This is what resembles the grave but isn’t! The more time you spend contemplating what you should have done the more past you create where you didn’t do what you wanted. It is so important to develop the ability to go “oh well, what do I want Now?” This takes practice. When you catch yourself in the internal doomscroll of all that you should have done, literally say “oh well, that’s the past. What do I want to do right now and how can I do it?”

Actions you can take:

- Make a list of goals you have tiered by right away, short term, medium term, and long term. Make sure to include a tier for goals that feel impossible! You’d be surprised what you can do!

- Start by picking one thing you want to change. Go on a walk every day, listen to an audiobook or music on that walk. Bam! Two enriching activities at once. Cook one new recipe a week or every other week.

- When at home from school, work to establish your independence in the home. This is hard! Family dynamics vary, but if you can, try to communicate with your family about personal space and boundaries. Perhaps rearrange your space at home to fit your needs as a more adult space while still maintaining your nostalgic environment.

- Cultivate a positive mindset and excitement for what comes next. This summer is not just an end, it’s a beginning! What do you want next? You can have it if you believe in yourself.

A final piece of advice. I started college with such high hopes and dream of what it would be. The summers with friends, late night studying in the library, goofing off between classes, getting to be this dream idealized self. For various reasons, this didn’t happen. I felt so angry that my experience with college had been tainted and forcefully taken from me, and I stayed angry for a while. This constant obsession with regret starts to eat you alive until you can’t see how good things are right in this moment. This did not get better because I somehow changed the past, it got better because I accepted that this was an idealized dream of one tiny part of my life. It got better when I started aiming towards the future. It’s ok to feel sad that you didn’t get what you wanted, but that doesn’t mean you never will. I am happier for moving on and saying I’d had enough grieving a hypothetical. You are real, you are young and alive and filled with dreams. It will never be too late, and there is nothing you could have missed this summer that cannot be achieved in a happier and healthier situation.

Start making today special. You are filled with light, dreams, and love. You will create the life you dreamed of, filled with adventure and happiness. Treat yourself tenderly, this is your first time being alive, the first last summer of college. You are learning and growing. I am so proud of you as you are now, and all that you will become. Keep the sparks alive, and I’m always here if you need someone to support or another senior in college to lean on!

I hope this helps!

Evan

P.S. here’s a poem that’s helped me!

[milflewis]

do u want me to post the not edited version. these are all pure facts btw. i’m a scientist so u can trust me

wdym u SHOULD be cancelled over some of ur a/b/o opinions

I shouldn't be cancelled for shit actually I'm perfect

[sub-at-omicsteminist]

Work place studying

Im half way through an assignment the first half was great but now im so lost and feel defeated. Going to ignore it for a bit and try and come back with fresh eyes but its due in 6 days and ive had weeks to do it but ive been procrastinating too hard.

I’ve finished the first week of couch to 5k though🎉

[twsthc]

twst character playlists pt. 2 🎧☆

⚠️ warnings: not a warning but i just wanted to say that i have 2-3 asks in my drafts rn!!! i have not been ignoring you ive been procrastinating studying for finals and sleeping ^_^!!! they should be answered soon i prommy, ty for ur patience <3

last updated: december 17, 2023

🌹 🎼

Riddle: Red Velvet - Day 1 , Lee Hi - Only , Laufey - Promise , Beabadoobe - Glue Song , Men I Trust - Show Me How , Humming Urban Stereo - Banana Shake

cutie patootie basically

also music thats easy to study to!!! i just swiped this from my study playlist.

Ace: VANO 3000 - Running Away [adult swim] , Gorillaz Ft. Kali Uchis - She's My Collar , Worthikids - Friends In Low Places , Joey Valence & Brae - GUMDROP

music i listen to in roller skating rinks and drinking slurpees and crying

only ace uses a skateboard and probably wouldn't be crying and would drink the cola icee instead of the blue raspberry one

Deuce: AC/DC - Highway to Hell , Dominic Fike - Mama's Boy , The Offspring - Pretty Fly (For A White Guy) , Army Of Lovers - Crucified , Joan Jett and the Blackhearts - Bad Reputation

"ACDC stands for acedeuce" -someone from the twsthc server

ummm not really much to add to this. deucepel canon. join my server

Cater: Aliyah's Interlude - IT GIRL , Girls Generation - Gee , IVE 아이브 - After LIKE , NewJeans - Super Shy , LE SSERAFIM - Eve, Psyche & The Bluebeard's wife

BITCH, YOU KNOW IM SEXY. UGH! DONT CALL, JUST TEXT ME XP

cater is a kpop stan and knows all the lyrics and dances and hums them randomly whilst walking down the hallway i saw her

Trey: Fuji Kaze - Shinunoga E-Wa , CAFUNÉ - Tek It , monsune - OUTTA MY MIND , piri & tommy - soft spot , Essosa - Waste My Time , Tatsuro Yamashita - Fragile

chill as fuck. in his zone. moisturized. at peace.

he plays this on low levels as he bakes and while hes studying

🥩🎶

Leona: SZA - Broken Clocks , Childish Gambino - Redbone , Kendrick Lamar , Money Trees , Tyler, The Creator - See You Again , willowsmith - Wait a Minute! , Tyla - Water

leona is a part of the sassy male apocalypse

listens to Broken Clocks while its raining like he just went thru a breakup (he didnt)

Ruggie: Chief Keef - I Don't Like , jnhygs - JERK! , babyxsosa - EVERYWHERE I GO , Flo Milli - Conceited , Ice Spice - Princess Diana , Brent Faiyaz - Been Away (Jersey Club Remix) 

n i just fell n luv w a gangster, so he put my name n a tatt

but i dont let em come 2 the crib, so we get it on where we at

Jack: Outkast - Ms. Jackson , Destiny's Child - Bills, Bills, Bills , The Notorious B.I.G - Big Poppa , MF DOOM - Rapp Snitch Knishes , 2Pac - California Love

lalalalalaaa

my favorite african american

🫧🎵

Azul: Queen - Killer Queen , Joan Sebastion - Secreto de Amor , Caravan Palace - Rock It For Me , Lady Gaga - Americano , Chicago - We Both Reached For the Gun

once again older jazzy sounding songs

also electroswing. the octatrio are electroswing, and the Chicago musical

Jade: The Buttress - Brutus , Elita Harkov - Sour Switchblade , Elita Harkov - Mentally Not Here , KikuoHana - 不幸屋の娘 , NASTYONA - 09 요단강

in part one i put their cute girly girl hiking mushroom collecting playlist but here is their fucked up evil plotting and biting playlist

also useful for studying and lounge shifts! three in one!

Floyd: DIGITAL CIRCUS - Pilot Official Soundtrack , Kikuo - 天国へ行こう , Rufus Wainwright - Another Believer , Chuu - Heart Attack (sped up) , SB Soundtrack - Clownfish Capers

what can i say

silly goofy music for a silly goofy guy

🌞🎼

Kalim: Heavenly - P.U.N.K Girl , No Doubt - Just A Girl , TWINKLE ♡ HEART/jun 音源 , Cascada - Everytime We Touch (Nightcore) , Dolly Style - Cherry Gum (Nightcore) , S3RL - All That I Need

hime gyaru kalim lives

i snuck in nightcore and S3RL im really not sorry

Jamil: Marie Madeleine - Swimming Pool , X-RAY SPEX - I Am a Poseur , Vundabar - Alien Blues , Memo Boy - Insomniac

just a girl

👑🎶

Vil: Lady Gaga - Beautiful, Dirty, Rich , Barry Manilow - At the Copa , NewJeans - ETA , Judy Singh - Up and Down , Amy Winehouse - Stronger Than Me

Epel: MF DOOM - Doomsday , Primus - The Devil Went Down To Georgia , The Crane Wives - The Moon Will Sing , October Country - My Girlfriend Is a Witch ,

The Devil Went Down To Georgia is the type of shit epel would listen to while performing the most back breaking nail chipping farm chores

Rook: I Monster - Lust for a Vampyr , Kali Uchis - I Wish you Roses , peace - stolen dance , Lamp - From The Window ,

☠🎵

Idia: TOPHAMHAT-KYO -Princess♂ , LamazeP - 難聴系男子が倒せない , Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan OP , BLEND-A - Bon Appetit S , Bakudan Poppy - Oha-Yo-del , Dancing Samurai

🐉🎼

Malleus: Soap&Skin - Me and the Devil , Yoko Kanno - Green Bird

Silver: Korn - All in the Family , batta - chase , Lil Boodang - Jesus Don't Like That I'm Gay but Satans Cool With It , My Chemical Romance - Teenagers ,

yes thats the name of that song

emo teen music, not cos theyre an emo teen but cos lilia introduced the genre

Sebek: deaf, doesn't listen to music

Lilia: BABYMETAL - Headbangeeeeerrrrr!!!!! , Graveyardguy (feat. Slayyyter) - Final Girl , NANAOAKARI - One Room Sugar Life

[winryrockbellwannabe]

hey, first off all just wanna say your blog is so cool i love seeing you on my dash!

i was just wondering if you had any tips for first year students and how to manage time? i think that’s the aspect i have been struggling with the most is time management and getting enough sleep rn.

omg tysm!!! 💜💜💜 so glad you like my posts!! and hope your enjoying your 1st year so far <3

So, how to manage your time:

tbh I haven't understood it that well myself. Personally im a little time blind, so i coordinate my schedule based on tasks i have to do, instead of time.

So instead of: study physics for an hour, it could be something like: understand The Schrödinger equation or study 40 pages.

My only time blocks are: morning, afternoon (before snack time, before dinner) and before going to bed. Which i particularly like since it's more flexible, and if i didn't manage to accomplish everything, i can just move it a bit, instead of ruining the whole thing.

My planner usually looks like this: (it's a bit light, since i had classes all day both monday and today, but you get the idea)

But if you like to study in time blocks, my tip is to give them space to be flexible. So if you delay smth it doesn't ruin your entire schedule, and you won't be so stressed about the time as well.

For example, you think you'll take 1h to do this assignment? Save 1h30 for it, if you end up actually needing this extra time, then you're still in time. If you only needed 1h, you can take a break and move to your next task earlier than planned.

Alarms are a student's best friend for time tracking. And a bonus advantage is that it also forces me not to be on my phone, since i set the alarm in there, and it's a visual reminder that i should be working.

Another important thing to do is to ✨ prioritize✨ your tasks!! Your final exam is way more important than a report that's only 10% your grade. Sure, if you can do both it's perfect, but don't waste too much time perfecting smth that's not that important.

Oh, and if you feel like the way your professor explains isn't doing it for you, just forget about that class! It's a waste of time to be 2 hours in a classroom, not even understanding what the professor is saying and stressing about it. Just find some good notes, and study them in the library during that time instead.

Also, for the not enough sleep problem. I feel you. That was me in the second semester of 1st year. I would lose track of time, sometimes just procrastinating, and forget to sleep. My solution for that is ✨alarms✨. I usually wake up at 7:30, so everyday i have an alarm set for 23:00 to remind myself to go to sleep, and another for 24:00, just in case i ignored the first one lol. Really improved my sleep schedules.

(And a little extra (tho i intend to do a bigger post about this soon)

1st year tips in general: Find ways to be interested in your classes, so it's easier to study. Watch documentaries about it, discuss stuff with ppl that love that subject. Even if you are learning how to solve integrals so you can help your crush - totally not talking from experience. If it get's you motivated, then that's all that matters. DONT BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS!!! I promise your professors aren't judging you, and if your classmates are, well, they won't be judging anymore when you ace that test. And force yourself to take breaks. I would put on my t.do list to watch an episode of a series daily, bc i would be so stressed i would forget to do that. And taking breaks it's super important.)

(sorry for the huge post, I really hope at least one tip in here will be useful for you. Thank you for the ask, and best of luck for this uni year!!! Feel free to ask anymore questions💜)

[sneakertin]

auughhhrh. i think i have adhd but. maybe i don't. idk. i don't wanna self diagnose but at this point im torn between thinking "there's no fucking way i don't have it" and "but what if i don't". getting a diagnosis is Impossibly difficult and stressful and expensive and we barely have any even remotely working medication where i live so it's not really an option for now. but if i do have it then that means there's an explanation for everything that's wrong with me and it all has a reason and it's not something I'm personally responsible for. but if i don't then that means that im just a lazy stupid nobody with no ambitions. which would be very sad but goddamn there are way too many symptoms to even consider myself being neurotypical. for some reason i feel like it's getting worse and worse everyday but that's probably because i just started uni and there's a lot of change in my life and i haven't been getting enough sleep lately cus i physically can't fall asleep before midnight or sometimes even later but i have to wake up at six. and also because there's a thing that constantly stresses me out at all times(calculus) that i feel like i genuinely can't do anything about even if i try really hard. but i just constantly feel like I'm not in control of my own brain. focusing is so damn hard and even when i do focus i loose it very quickly and end up just bouncing back and forward trying to keep my mind in one place. when i try to read something for homework it feels like my eyes just don't wanna look at the screen and i have to force them not to look away. every couple of minutes or less my thoughts drift away and i only notice it afterwards. when i try to sit down and watch a calculus lecture in hopes of understanding this little personal hell of mine i feel soooo frustrated it almost feels like physical pain and i just turn it off after two minutes. i can't do anything and i don't want to. every task feels like there's a weight on my shoulders. I'm so irresponsible. i keep ignoring or putting off stuff that i need to do and someday the consequences will catch up to me. i don't wanna study. i just wanna do only the stuff that i like all the time. i wanna waste money and go to pretty cafes and buy snacks and be on the internet and watch my fav shows and read fanfiction and read books and analyse literature and watch movies and cry because of them and watch video essays and sometimes cook and clean and draw and draw and draw all the time. which is so embarrassing because im so privileged. i have the chance to get education and yet i feel like I'm not grateful enough and i feel so guilty for being so lazy all the time. im not saying that i wanna drop out, no. but the situation is that I'm not studying what i wanted rn but I'm gonna transfer to where i want at the end of the semester but that means i have to study all these subjects that i despise and don't understand at all and somehow not get expelled till january.

ok, so, i started writing this when i was a bit overstimulated but now that i have written my thoughts down i feel like things are fine now and i feel better. urghh. i don't even know if should post this now. that's so embarrassing, why am i so dramatic.

anyway. but i do fuck up things in my life very often because i put off things that i don't wanna do. when i had my extremely important school exams that would determine whether i get into uni or not, i barely even studied for them. i only did like a day/half a day of active studying for each subject. i kept procrastinating even when that fucking exam that some people have mental breakdowns over was due to be the next day. i did get into uni, but not into the course that I wanted, because my exam results were not quite enough. but that wasn't really a problem because i could've easily transferred to where i want at the very start of the semester, but. i kept putting it off and it turned out you can only do that during the first two weeks and now I'm in the situation that I've described earlier. and don't even get me started on the shitshow that happened when i was in driving school. and it was all entirely my fault. and school in general have always been difficult for me but in school i could get away with not doing anything cus im not stupid, and i even had good grades. but that doesn't work in uni cus in uni they don't teach you anything, you learn everything yourself, and i quite literally can't study. adhd medication sounds like a dream, honestly. you take a pill and suddenly you can function like a normal person and work for hours and even enjoy it. how fucking cool is that.

so ehmm. i don't really have anything to say, just wanted to write. something. don't mind me, really :)

wait, no. i just remembered why i wrote all this. so, I'm kind of addicted to tiktok, which is my greatest curse and i accidentally got into fucking "studytok" and now my fyp is filled with happy american uni students studying for 12 hours straight and talking about obscure studying techniques with weird names and all of that is just. so. from another realm from me, honestly. how do they do that. am i even the same species as them