#ignore it like how my existence is typically ignored ok <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[ijltln]

I'm so sick of this besties

[flymmsy]

I might be wrong but did Gortash only torture women? Just thinking that I don't remember there being any man brain in a jar. Must be because of his mom but his father is not innocent either. Very typical to only blame the woman.. Why do I still love him? Like it does not even matter in the end, cause I am so smitten with him.

Actually when thinking about it, the whole dead 3 (kethric not so much, I think?) is a bit misogynistic, very clear with how they treat Orin. Sarevok calling her murders "girly" and that durge did proper murder unlike her, like ok...

We definitely have some evidence in game of Gortash threatening men, and you could argue that The Emperor was tortured by him, but yes - the number of women he tortures is much larger. And, as you said, all of the brains are women - which is definitely pointed.

I agree it’s connected to his mother and I find his relationships with his parents endlessly fascinating - the fact that he seems to torture his father less is 🤯

However I will pause here because it is important to say that it does matter. Violence against women is a very huge problem in our world. We all love Gortash here but it’s important to also understand everything he represents. His existence as a fictional character is the reason we can focus on other things, but we should never wave it away or say it doesn’t matter.

I’m also saying this because BG3 has a wide age range of fans. It’ll come as no surprise to anyone reading this that when I was younger, with the affinity for characters I love, I really could have benefited from someone who made it explicitly clear that you need to accept the terrible parts of an evil character, even if you don’t focus on them. The effect of *you* as a real person ignoring these traits *can* harm you beyond whatever form of media you’re engaging with - in the real world.

TLDR: Yes Gortash is disproportionately violent against women as opposed to men and let’s be sure to acknowledge that. And, if you ever see a man exhibit any degree or inkling of violence against women in real life, run in the other direction so fast.

P.S. - My first playthrough I was actually excited to see Sarevok and thought how cool and then the second he called Orin’s actions girly was the exact second I knew he needed to die.

[cathchicken]

Oops I tripped on a rock-

Welp timeline change ig

Sooooo this is the new collector and king AU I made today. As you can tell, it is very different from my normal aus. I’m tempted to not even call it an AU at all, since it is almost one in the most literal sense…

Essentially: king and the collector exist as different people in a completely different witch and demon universe. The collector himself is a witch, or “wizard” as I call them. King is, well, a demon still, or a monster more specifically. They live somewhat different lives, and are somewhat different people, but are still collector and king nevertheless.

Definitely not a traditional AU. But I think this will be fun

The collector: he is a young wizard who is mainly socially reclusive. Probably late teens, as compared to the typical ToH collector. Not immortal. Their communication skills are… not great, and often resorts to talking with their hands. They try their best. His status as a wizard means somewhat; he is able to provide spells to non-magic folk, but for relatively cheaper costs. It thankfully is enough to make him a reasonable living. He’s not afraid to chew on a few stray comet newts every once in awhile…

King: a monster. He is usually ignored by most people, and often prefers to stay unnoticed anyways. He one day find the collector, however, and is allowed to crash for a bit before he continues on. A nomadic lifestyle is common for monsters, anyway. But soon, they get close. And King decides each day, essentially, “tomorrow I’ll leave”

TW FOR BELOW: disturbing themes mainly

Their overall relationship is extremely complex. The collector… craves intimacy. He’s not sure how it really works though, but he’s sure what he wants is more than just something to fill the void of his loneliness. He sees king as an opportunity, but doesn’t want to force anything. They are pretty desperate though. King, on the other hand, has his own issues. As you can see in the art, he doesn’t actually possess a skull-like face. It’s just a mask. King isn’t afraid to show his own face however… he just eventually found the mask as a way to better express himself, in to an almost idealistic fashion, without his insecurities getting in the way. But sometimes… his own feelings of wanting a genuine relationship bubble up… especially around his new buddy, Collector. The Collector says he should embrace his inner self, as it’s what makes him beautiful. But it’s soon pretty obvious that when King lets go, he REALLY lets go. He can’t control himself anymore, and sometimes ends up hurting collector. He knows it’s bad, but with the constant praise of the collector, he chooses not to stop. The collector also gets the feeling that he shouldn’t convince king to keep giving in, but he also knows that this is essentially Kings raw and unaltered version of affection… and he likes it. He’s so happy at the thought of receiving love and friendship, he doesn’t realize he is being bitten… and scratched… and torn apart…

In the end, this AU is about two people who, essentially, are not neurotypical in any way. They are trying to fit into societal norms, but also wanting to be able to be themselves in a healthy way. This relationship, as you can tell, starts off really dirty. But if I ever develop this story a bit more, I want it to be about them both finding how to care for each other in their own way, but also in a healthy way. It’s not that they won’t make good friends, they both have just never had a friend before. This is a journey they will face together

Ok it is 3 am. Sleep time!!!

[unclewaynemunson]

Jeff is one of my favorite characters and I think we should start a post of all our favorite Jeff headcanons. He and Freak get left out in almost every Eddie-centric fic I read, with his "best friend" being either Gareth or Chrissy, and I'm tired of it. Jeff is wonderful. Here's my hc's:

- Jeff and Eddie have been best friends since middle school. They started CC and Hellfire together.

- they went to the Snowball together and rigged the bubble machine to spew bubbles during the slow dance songs. The dance had to end early and Jeff and Eddie never got caught

- Jeff's parents loves Eddie. They used to have sleepovers at each other's place almost every weekend.

- Jeff was the first person Eddie came out to. Jeff tried to be surprised and "that's great, man, thanks for telling me!" But Eddie saw right through that.

- Eddie is afraid of geese and spiders. Jeff thinks this is fucking hilarious.

- post-Vecna, Jeff is the one Eddie reconnects with first. Eddie tells him everything, despite the NDAs and Steve's warnings. Jeff believes him, because he knows there's wacky shit going on in Hawkins, and he's seen Eddie's wounds.

- they have that kind of friendship that nothing can break. Even if they don't see or talk to each other for years, because Life Happens and people lose touch, they'll always have part of themselves carved out for their best friend.

Ok, that's all I got for now, and sorry for the long ask! I just love Jeff so much and he (and Freak, too, because Freak gets ignored because of fatphobia) deserves just as much love and attention as Gareth gets.

What are your Jeff and Eddie headcanons?

I am loving this Jeff love and your headcanons, thank you so much for sending this to me!!! <3

I think with Unnamed Freak things are a bit different bc, yaknow, he doesn't have a name. For me at least that makes me hesitant to write about him so I don't wanna go as far as to say it's all bc he's fat (even though I'm not gonna deny that that probably also plays a part in how popular he is in this fandom urgh). Anyway, yes this fandom certainly does Jeff dirty. I think it's this gross combination of racism and people copying a lot from already existing stories, characterizations and headcanons without much critical thinking of their own (which baffles me, if you're creative enough to write a story please use that creativity for some originality ffs). Anyway, this is gonna turn into a rant again can you tell I'm still annoyed? so let's turn to something more positive now, like my headcanons for our beloved Jeff:

He was the first person in Hawkins (after Wayne obviously) that Eddie got close to. For Jeff it was kinda the same, being a black, nerdy boy in this town had been very isolating for him and Eddie was his first real friend.

Unnamed Freak made their duo into a trio a bit later. All the others in the group (including Gareth) were Eddie's "lost little sheepies" who he sought out to protect. This means that Jeff and Unnamed Freak are the only people who don't borderline worship Eddie but see him (and love him) for who he is including all his flaws. They're also the only ones not afraid to call him out on his bullshit.

Jeff's mom is really cool. Her name is Pauline and she's not like Jeff at all (she was a cheerleader in high school). Despite their differences they love each other a lot. (Jeff's mom is actually heavily featured in one of the fics I wrote so I got her all fleshed out lmao)

He has two little twin sisters. They're friends with Erica, one of them is one of her friends we meet in the mall in s3. He has this typical hate-love relationship with his sisters: they fight a lot, but at the end of the day, he would die for them.

HE'S BISEXUAL

While he can't wait to get out of Hawkins and to a place that'll be more accepting of him, he doesn't want to move too far away from his family.

He's the most loyal friend in the world, 100% a ride-or-die kinda guy

While he does love metal a lot, his guilty pleasure is Tina Turner

Tell me all your Jeff headcanons i wanna hear more about him!

[sonicattos]

Ok I apologize for how long this is but I read your post about npd and I have some thoughts I want to share. First, yeah that screenshot is gross and ableist. With ya on that. Making fun of someone for having a disorder is wrong, full stop. Also, I agree that it's wrong to call someone narcissistic just because they're abusive. Not all abusers are narcissists and vice versa.

HOWEVER. Many of the symptoms of clinical narcissism relate to how people interact with others. And the reason they are regarded as "symptoms" is because truly narcissistic folks relate to others in an abusive way. If people with narcissism did not typically display abusive and/or manipulative behavior they would have nothing to be diagnosed with.

I'm a victim of abuse by a narcissistic person. (Notice I don't say they have NPD. I'm not "armchair diagnosing for sympathy" here.) That person was not simply abusive for no reason. They were abusive BECAUSE they had narcissistic traits such as having little regard for others. I genuinely fail to see how saying this would be hateful or ableist. I can tell that you feel very passionate about this, but as someone who has been on the receiving end of abuse by a narcissistic person, I feel that your post is implying that this kind of abuse doesn't exist, or worse, that people who say they have suffered it are making it up. I know there are a LOT of people who throw around the term narcissist and don't know what they're talking about. But there are also people who truly have been abused by narcissists. And they're not lying for attention.

Don't feel pressured to respond and I apologize for the wall of text. I just have strong feelings about the subject and wanted to share.

1) please don’t take words from my mouth. i never. EVER. said that the abused are making up being abused. i come from a very abusive household that i STILL live in. my mom and my sister used to fucking beat me. i was starved. i was denied any medical help for illness. im isolated. i was groomed into believing that i was more mature than i was and wasn’t treated with the care a child could have. i was and still am constantly told how useless i am and how my mental/physical issues are my fault. my parents never cared and only did things that benefit themselves. i would never deny that someone could hurt someone and i never had. jesus fucking christ.

2) i study psychology. i know i can’t just prove that by saying it but you have to take my word for it i genuinely look deep into this stuff, as it’s a special interest of mine. you come from a place of ignorance of the situation as a whole. never call someone with “narcissistic traits” (aka abusive traits) a narcissist. it’s a medical term. again. call it what it is: abuse. there are other ways to describe that abuse than labeling it as such. narcissism is supposed to be a neutral term to describe traits of npd, not how someone is acting.

3) no. you don’t have to be abusive to be diagnosed with npd. there are many symptoms and tendencies that come with the disorder and it’s also a spectrum just like any other disorder.

npd describes a disorder of someone who has an inflated self-importance. besides putting others down to lift themselves up, they can also try to lift themselves up in a way that’s unrealistic or may seem “prideful”, try getting other’s attention by doing something good or dramatic. narcissism comes from a place of abuse from their elders, either emotional neglect or lack of teaching of responsibility. it affects those who lack empathy or even other mental illness’, which again, doesn’t mean you are an abuser or a bad person.

how would they get diagnosed? perhaps they’re hurting themselves. maybe they have constant breakdowns for not getting attention. etc. a dramatic event of abuse doesn’t have to happen for a psychologist to figure out someone has npd.

4) the entire point of the post is to tell fucking people to stop using a word that they learned on the internet and didn’t look up what it meant maybe besides the fucking saneist articles vilifying narcissistic people instead of educating one what the disorder actually is.

people with npd deserve sympathy as much as any other person. they deserve help and awareness as well. narcissism isn’t a word to pass around like table salt. it’s a real thing that people suffer with. they’re hurt. they believe if they don’t do something that they’re not worth anything. yes a lot of them become abusers because people who are abusive have most likely been abused. but not every person who’s been abused is abusive.

[i-logophile]

Ok, so I’m just gonna start linking all my fanfics here ig?

I’ll start with The Umbrella Academy bc those are my most popular

Crocodile Tears - Abbreviated Summary: Five pretends to cry to get an enemy to lower their guard—emphasis on “pretend.” His siblings don’t seem to realize this, and after getting over their shock, they become unnecessarily distressed and proceed to flutter about like neurotic chickens. Oh, and some people die, but that was kind of the plan all along. (Russian Translation by lleerlleer available)

The Lonely Lodger Inn - Abbreviated Summary: What if the Commission Board meeting was somewhere in Dallas, and one of Five’s siblings stumbled upon the massacre as it was taking place?

Five Hargreeves & the Art of Ignoring Injuries - Summary: Five is exhausted. Still, he keeps up a good front during the family meeting. However, it’s when Luther decides to throw him off the stairs that this fatigue comes back to bite him. Now, his family refuses to focus on what’s more important—like the fucking Apocalypse, for instance—until he agrees to “take care of his injuries” or some bullshit like that.

The Five Whistle - Abbreviated Summary: After the Hargreeves’ disaster of a family meeting, Five is still pacing the alley outside of Elliott’s when he’s confronted by The Handler. She presents her offer, but since it’s not his only option just yet, Five declines. However, The Handler isn’t so easily denied, and she decides to use a little something from the Commission to convince Five to rethink his decision.

Guilt Trip - Summary: In typical Five Hargreeves fashion, a drug ring bust with his family turns into a rescue mission, which turns into a complete and utter shitshow. Because, of course, things had to go sideways— No, scratch that. Things didn't just go sideways, things went upside down, backward, and inside out. And then got blown up. Literally. In the aftermath of the whole fiasco, Five is left reeling, floundering, drowning in guilt. Because how could he have done that? How could he have attacked his family?

All Walls Fall (His Walls series)- Summary: After they escape from the Sparrows, Allison discovers that her daughter was erased from existence. Arguments are started and accusations are hurled. By the time all is said and done, Five runs off, his sibling’s words filling him with horror, anger, and self-loathing. Predictably, though, something goes wrong, resulting in his capture by The Sparrow Academy. However, now, a few new questions have arisen: Why has Reginald singled Five out amongst his siblings? To what lengths will the man go to achieve his ends? And how long can Five hold out before his desire to keep his family safe drives him to the edge?

The Trouble With Trauma (His Walls series) - Abbreviated Summary: Five and Christopher have two very different problems.

No Time, No Time, Dear Brother O’ Mine - Summary: At Gimbel Brothers department store, Five’s injury is a bit more serious than a simple bullet graze. Not that it matters to him. That is until the police show up while he’s trying to leave, and Five finds himself remembering things he’d rather forget. // There was something going on with his brother. That much was very clear to Diego. Why else would Five be at a crime scene? Why else would he be attacking the people trying to help him? Why else would he be ranting about time? There was something going on with his brother. And Diego was going to find out what. He just had to get Five some medical attention first.

Dealing with Doppelgängers - Abbreviated Summary: (Season 3 AU) The Umbrella Academy takes a trip down to Cambridge, Massachusetts in the hopes of enlisting the help of Five's dopppelgänger. In the process, Five's siblings—not to mention Five himself—get a glimpse of who their brother might've been.

Unfinished Business - Abbreviated Summary: When Vanya destroyed the world, Allison expected to find herself in some sort of afterlife. Instead, she and her family found themselves in some sort of hell. And then little Number Five showed up.

Headcount - Summary: Klaus pressed a hand to his chest, his tone growing snarky. “I don’t pay attention? I don’t pay attention? I’m sorry, no. Who else here has noticed that thing that Five’s been doing since we all arrived?”

Get in Line (Season 3 Fix-Its series) - Abbreviated Summary: Lila does her best to talk some sense into Allison and put things into perspective for her. (Feat. Five angst)

Tunnel Vision (Season 3 Fix-Its series) - Abbreviated Summary: In between the action, Five breaks down after Luther and Klaus’s deaths.

In Anticipation of Pain - Abbreviated Summary: When the Sparrow Academy captures Viktor, the Umbrellas must devise a plan to rescue him. Spoiler Alert: It’s not painless for anyone involved, and by “anyone,” I mean Five.

A Little Psycho a Little Longer - Abbreviated Summary: Even after Big Five is sent to 2019, back in the '60s, Five's paradox psychosis symptoms aren't going away, leaving the Hargeeves (plus one Raymond Chestnut) with some damage control to do.

[husbandhoshi]

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY.......it is time....we cheered! i am so ready to tuck into this like a delicious meal <3 liveblogging under the cut :')

You’re sitting in the bathroom, staring at the uneven paint where the tiles meet the wall, wondering if you could ever manage to crawl into one of the cracks there and disappear forever....It’s hard to focus on one thing when it feels like the whole world is happening at once without you in it.

see i feel like we have already started off so strong. i feel like whenever /i/ write long introspective sections it feels like it drags but this is so perfect. i had to do the ole english essay ellipses to cut the passage but the whole stretch was so evocative without being lengthy.

The hot tears suddenly feel ice cold against your burning skin, and exhaustion crashes down on you. The sink is dripping again.

You’ll have to get it fixed.

Everything.

this is so real. i think it's so hard to write like. Mental Illness tm or at least like. raw moments and make it seem Not Corny slash stereotypical but this is perfect.

Vernon knows your coffee and takeout orders by heart, and you do his. Even if he’s a worse texter than talker, you still very much enjoy his company, and mostly the ability to exist together in comfortable silence.

this and the paragraphs before this are i think the perfect characterization of vernon. spot on. esp the hum in response like truly my man is Not nosy whatsoever.

He could see even during class how out of it you were, certainly he could, but he didn’t want to bring up something you were not comfortable sharing on your own. So all he did was slide a lone earphone over, and put on a playlist he made for you. Of course, he would never tell you that - or anyone for that matter.

okay see like sometimes POV switches are corny and gratuitous but i feel like this was so smoothly done and provides a bit of extra characterization to help inform the rest of the fic. i think it's also really interesting to see how different vernon's thoughts and actions are versus yn's...where yn wears their emotions on their sleeve and vernon is kind of a mask. like it's an interesting dichotomy.

You are his first love, even if he would never admit it to anyone, not even himself.

nothing to say here i was just gagged. i also said THREE YEARS? out loud. oh my god we are really in this.

That night you fall asleep wondering what it’d be like to hold Vernon’s hands on a 2am walk. You dream about your kitchen window being gone.

the prose here is so yummy. the cadence of this paragraph especially. Yes...

He helps the girl lay down, and she mumbles something similar to a ��don’t go, you’re so cute”, which Vernon decides to ignore, and turns her on her side instead - just in case she gets sick.

BASED and woke public health king

You find yourself spending more and more nights in the kitchen, the quiet hum of the fridge and lone passersby keeping you company as you watch the world go by. It was peaceful in a terrible way, one which you were sure was no good for you.

OK IM SEEING THE THEMES.... i also love how you write little snippets of everyday life and make them seem so romantic..so lived in and wonderful even tho they're just typical things. you know.

not gnna paste in the text messages but just know that vernon using punctuation??? Something is Cooking. also him taking the initiative to ask yn to build a snowman is really sweet knowing that he is typically not the type to initiate things.

You move your gaze towards him, and suddenly his face is way too close...You swallow nervously and your eyes flicker to his lips.

this passage made me bite my fist..the way u so easily transition from the introspective moments to dialogue to fluff...... also didn't want to grab the ENTIRE convenience store section but i love how the midnight connections tm have become a staple of your fic. i think it's a perfect little bite of the liminal in-between moments. the things people want to say and can't. things you think will be forgotten by the morning. you know. also loving how reserved vernon is w his friends and then him lighting up when he's w yn it rlly is so sweet to see :( and the added detail that he is tired as shit but will still make time for them.

Once you say your goodbyes you slowly make your way home, walking past the half finished snowman.

yn is so earnest and that's one of my favorite things abt them. like this is such a cute gesture. esp because like they weren't that eager to leave the house in the first place but the sheer Wonderfulness of the moment drives them to be a little whimsical when that would have been so out of character for them earlier...character development.

He dreams about the feeling of your lips on his.

ok the callback to the dreams...honestly like its the perfect throwback to the earlier part but also adds sooo much to the thematic/atmospheric cohesion here. also i screamed

Being alone feels suffocating, even though you’re the one who turned Vernon down once again. It’s been weird seeing him around at school, only being able to think about how pretty he looks under cheap neon lights. He doesn’t make much of an effort to reach out either.

this is actually so real. i'm learning a lot from the way u write fic and i think this part is so simply but well said. like what characters do dont HAVE to make sense. sometimes feelings are complicated and we do things we dont want to do and say things we dont want to say etc etc.

“I’m getting kind of hungry,” she pouts at him, and he feels like this is his chance to get out.

“I know just the place.”

WELCOME HOME CHEATER also im not grabbing anything from this next section bc it would be too long but like.. oh nawurrr.... not them connecting and then disconnecting and then falling into other people.... also re: the POV shift thing i actually think it has become such a wonderful little utility here. like i see the vision now. yes this is ab yn but it's also about VERNON and his emotional constipation and his self sabotage. and how HE weathers the seasons. THE MISSED CALL AND TEXT MESSAGE???? killing myself and then killing myself again............ OK SHONDA RHIMES..

You still dream about draping your scarf around Vernon, late night grocery runs, a kitchen window that’s brighter and doesn’t make you feel like the shell of who you used to be.

nothing to say here except chefs kiss of a sentence. the window callback is another chefs kiss and i think the motif is so fitting bc in a way they both feel like outsiders looking in....starting to see why this is called parallels and almosts ... (sorry i am slow.)

“How’s Seohyun?” You take a step back, and Vernon visibly gulps. Somehow he just knows that you’ve been talking to Seungkwan.

um i gasped aloud........... season finale type beat. also like i'm no vernon shooter but yn getting mad at vernon when they Also were Talking to seungkwan OK emoji .

Vernon feels like a stranger and your dearest friend at the same time. Sometimes when you look at him too much you go back to the night where things still felt okay and you wonder if he ever thinks about it - about how badly you wanted to hold his hands, kiss him still lying in the snow.

this makes my tummy hurt because i think you encapsulated the feeling of time passing so well. like its only been 10k words but i feel like there is actual history there even tho there was only one scene where they really bonded... you know. like their past feels so storied to me.

“Maybe.”

“Oh you’re one to talk, like you’d ever tell me any of it!”

see like i think this is such a masterful way of tying it together.. like yeah. they both SUCKED at communication. PARALLELS AND ALMOSTS.

nothing to say ab the next section (Maybe you've already fallen hard...You wake up crying at 2 AM) except that i think it's one of my fave sections of Prose in this.

Almost on instinct you lean your head on Vernon’s shoulder, and you feel his arm circling your waist and squeezing gently, his head coming to rest on top of yours.

literally my eyes opened so wide. we Going situationship?????????????? i think the dream thing that you have going on is especially potent here bc it really feels like we Have vernon and then we don't. and then it repeats.

“There’s gonna be a party tonight,” he turns to you suddenly. “I want you to come.”

FULL CIRCLE...fly hands....

OK the ending. OMG. the kiss scene was sweet and not corny. and the way you transformed the space when vernon moves in... like the idea of Home and Space and feeling Trapped the whole fic has i think is so lovely. i think there is a very tactile way you described things here and so it feels lived in and natural. like you dont have to SAY how yn is feeling as explicitly because you can SEE it in the way the space changes around them. and then the callback at the end is really sweet :')

overall i think this was such an enjoyable read!! you continue to be the master of atmospheric fic. like it really sucks you in and i think you describe yn so fully that it's hard to not empathize w them even if you don't really relate to the things happening in their life. and i think there is such a simplicity to the setting and the plot points that you can really Sit in the feelings that the characters are feeling. i think the next strongest bit of this was the parallels theme!! i loved seeing how the sections echoed each other and how the imagery/environments reflected the progression of the characters and plot.

tldr i loved it and i will never Not sing your praises as a writer!!!

parallels & almosts

♡ pairing: vernon x reader

♡ genre: friends to lovers, light angst

♡ word count: 10k

♡ warnings: slight description of panic attacks, alcohol consumption, slow burn-ish lol, occasional cursing, a little sad bc i wrote it in winter, yearning

a/n: i wrote this last christmas inspired by my first sem at uni, and finally got around to proofreading :) hope you like it, and if you have any thoughts about it id love to know &lt;3

masterlist

♡ ♡ ♡

One day you’ll inevitably fall for someone. Someone, who will touch you for the first time like no one ever did before, and maybe no one ever will again. Full of love, admiration, and tenderness. Your chest is going to fill with pain and unending yearning, a fleeting moment that’s going to feel like nothing and everything whenever you think about it. And you’ll fall hard, hard enough that if any of it was real it might break your body in unspeakable ways.

When you wake up the next day you realise you’ll never love anyone as much as this, not in this lifetime.

Then it’s over.

You’re sitting in the bathroom, staring at the uneven paint where the tiles meet the wall, wondering if you could ever manage to crawl into one of the cracks there and disappear forever. No clichéd metaphor seems fitting enough, even though you understand you are not the first, and you won’t be the last either, to experience heartbreak quite like this. Something that squishes your heart until it feels numb, catches in your throat in a way that you can’t even find the words to explain the pain, a constant gloss over your eyes, like tears you can’t blink away.

Your upstairs neighbour is just a little too loud, the static of the tv humming just a little too much, drunk people screaming outside just a little too close, and it all feels so overbearing. You close your eyes, skin buzzing with all the loudness of the inside and outside combined. It’s hard to focus on one thing when it feels like the whole world is happening at once without you in it.

Then the phone rings.

The world stops, but your breathing quickens as panic takes over. It’s all so much in a way that seems impossible to deal with. At least for now, in this passing moment, even if it feels like an eternity. The ringing gets more and more deafening, your breaths quickening, and you know it won’t stop. It never really does. The cacophony of sounds slowly fades out, the only thing you can hear is your own body; your heartbeat, your own breaths, tired gasps for air. It’s okay. You claw at your skin, anything to distract yourself from the ongoing panic attack, even if you know it won’t help. It never does.

It’s okay.

Tears burn the corners of your eyes, even though you don’t know how long you’ve been crying. The world is slowly closing in, and it’s just you on the cold bathroom floor at 2am.

Is it okay?

It’s silent. So suddenly and so loudly, it almost knocks the air back into your lungs, as if the ground is being pulled from underneath your feet. The hot tears suddenly feel ice cold against your burning skin, and exhaustion crashes down on you. The sink is dripping again.

You’ll have to get it fixed.

Everything.

It’s a slow process to drag yourself from the bathroom to bed. The rain knocks politely on the window and you’re tempted to let it in, but instead just stare out into the cold night. The snow is slowly melting away, and you wish it washed away all the thoughts plaguing your mind too. It’s never that easy, you’ve always found it hard to let go of routines. The habit of waking up, turning over to give him a kiss, making coffee together. You don’t even like coffee that much, but for him you would’ve learned to love anything. For him, you even learned to love him. With all the pain and hurt. 

Despite him, you loved him.

It’s all gone, and it’s okay.

-

“You didn’t pick up all weekend,” Vernon says in his usual nonchalant tone without as much as looking in your direction.

After you finally managed to calm down, sleep seemed much more inviting than looking at your phone. The next few days felt so peaceful in isolation, that it wouldn’t have been right to disturb it.

“Sorry.”

He only hums in response, quietly scribbling away in his notebook next to you. His hair is hidden behind one of his many beanies, one earphone in his ear, the other one between the two of you on the desk as a silent offering from his part. It’s the middle of the lecture, but you wordlessly take it anyway, knowing well that you won’t pay attention today no matter what.

Vernon is hard to read, even if you’ve been friends for a few years now. He mostly keeps to himself, barely showing if something is going on in his life. He occasionally lets you in on the big things, like when his sister graduated high school, or when his family got a new cat. You weren’t completely sure if he shared these things with you out of common courtesy - you were glad when he did anyway. He was a little more curious and attentive when you told him about something, but never asked on his own.

Vernon knows your coffee and takeout orders by heart, and you do his. Even if he’s a worse texter than talker, you still very much enjoy his company, and mostly the ability to exist together in comfortable silence.

You get lost in thought, only coming back to reality when your favourite song quietly starts playing in your ear. Vernon is putting his phone back down, giving you a small smile before returning to the paper in front of him. His eyes twinkle in the cheap fluorescent light of the lecture hall, and even if the thought makes your chest feel tight, he does look beautiful even at 9am on a Monday.

He furrows his eyebrows, tapping his pen against the desk to the beat of the music. You rest your head on top of your barely started notes, glancing at Vernon from the corner of your eye before getting lost in thought for the rest of the lecture. You only notice that it’s over when the boy next to you is already leaving, gently tapping your shoulder and giving you a small wave  before walking off into the cold fog of the morning. The professor starts turning the lights off, and you scurry to gather your belongings, making your way to the exit. Suddenly you hear music in your ear once again, and you realise you forgot to give Vernon his earphones back.

However, music means he’s near, so you try and remember which way he went, and spot him a few benches over in front of the building. He’s standing in a lopsided circle with his friends, their laughter visible in the crisp air. You shuffle over to the group, standing a little awkwardly next to Vernon, who’s too invested in whatever conversation they’re having to notice your arrival. One of the boys spots you, and you give him a brief smile before deciding to finally tap Vernon’s shoulder. He quickly turns to you, the corners of his lips quirking up just enough for you to notice. You don’t want to overstay your welcome, so you quickly take the earphone and hand it back to him. His mouth turns into an O shape, and you can feel your cheeks warming up, so you look back down at your palm to avoid staring at his face even longer. He takes it from your hand, his cold fingers igniting fire in their wake. His eyes search for yours, and as soon as they meet you feel a little wobbly, a little warm, and a lot vulnerable.

You only decided on attending any classes you had that day to avoid sitting at home even longer, stewing in your own sadness and tears. When sitting in your bed that morning you felt as if you’d be okay, as if you’ll be able to get through all this without anyone knowing or noticing. As Vernon’s eyes bore into yours, you just knew that he could see everything. You were never sure how close he considered you, and you were always too scared to assume that you are close in the first place.

Your knees feel like they’re about to give out, so you shake your head a little, trying to hide the obvious blush on your cheeks behind your scarf. 

“There’s gonna be a party later tonight, if you uh- If you wanna come,” Vernon tells you.

“It’s Monday,” it almost comes out as a question, eliciting a laugh from the boy.

“I’ll text you the address later, in case you change your mind. I’ll be there.”

His smile always makes everything a little easier, so you nod and turn to leave. For a second he looks like he might say something else, a concerned look on his face, but he fades back into the conversation instead.

As soon as you’re out of earshot Vernon’s got multiple curious eyes on him, waiting for some sort of an explanation. They all know you to some degree of course, but they haven’t seen their friend like this in quite some time.

“Dude,” Seungkwan is the first one to voice his thoughts.

“What?”

“Did we miss something?'' His tone is enough to make Vernon’s eyes widen. “Just a heads up, I’m gonna keep an eye on you tonight. And I’m gonna be updating the group chat constantly, too.”

A round of laughter and general agreement follows Seungkwan’s statement, and though Vernon loves his friends, he has to admit that they can be too much sometimes. Even if he considers himself a private person, he does still keep them up to date most of the time, except at times like this. At times when not only his feelings are concerned.

He could see even during class how out of it you were, certainly he could, but he didn’t want to bring up something you were not comfortable sharing on your own. So all he did was slide a lone earphone over, and put on a playlist he made for you. Of course, he would never tell you that - or anyone for that matter. His feelings and his playlist were kept as his most treasured secrets, even if they’re only meaningful to him. He would be lying to himself if he tried to deny the crush he’s been nursing on you since you met in your first Monday morning class, sitting in the same spot as today. He immediately memorised your name during the quick introduction game the professor insisted on, making use of it as much as he could during class, and right after, too. Grabbing coffee seemed like the logical choice at the time, texting all his friends for recommendations as soon as he could. Once class was over he made his move, striking up conversation with you, albeit a little awkwardly. Surprisingly even to him, you agreed, and shortly after you found yourselves at a small café just off campus. The impromptu hangout felt almost too comfortable for it to be your first time meeting, and Vernon couldn’t think about the way you laughed at his terrible jokes without getting butterflies in his stomach, not even years later.

He later had to face the fact that you’re taken, and even if it broke his heart a little, he enjoyed your company a lot more than for something like this to keep him from you. So here you are, almost 3 years later, still looking at each other with the same unmistakable tenderness that only you two seem to ignore. Always smiling brighter, laughing louder, and whispering even more quietly when the other is around.

You are his first love, even if he would never admit it to anyone, not even himself.

- 

The dim orange street light illuminates the kitchen in a way that squeezes your soul just a little too tight, making you feel nostalgic for things that maybe never really happened. Snowflakes land on the window and melt away slowly, racing down the glass. Lately it only snows at night, so you decide to stay up late, the party Vernon invited you to long forgotten.

Tonight it’s a little different somehow. The air feels heavier than usual, and the streets are fully empty, which is an exceptionally rare sight this close to campus. You open the window, and climb up to sit on the sill, dangling your feet into the night. The crippling pressure on your chest doesn’t seem to cease, and you wish to be able to cry and scream, let it all out while it’s dark and quiet.

In the distance you spot a figure slowly treading through the snow, dressed in all black with their hands in their pockets. Their steps are completely silent except for the occasional crunch of the fresh snow. The knowledge that someone else is just this restless at the same time as you brings an odd sense of peace. Wordless company on such a lonely night.

For a fleeting moment you feel like everything’s going to be okay.

That night you fall asleep wondering what it’d be like to hold Vernon’s hands on a 2am walk. You dream about your kitchen window being gone.

-

Vernon waits for you patiently at the party that night, checking his phone way too often to make sure he doesn’t miss any of your calls or texts. A few drinks and too much teasing from his friends later he’s already getting ready to leave when some girl sidles up to him, giggling drunkenly right into his face. He remembers her from one of his classes, but not her name, and he doesn’t bother asking either.

“Heeey,” the girl chimes. “Are you uh- are you here uh- alone?” She stumbles a little, both with her words and her steps.

Vernon hesitates, but nods anyway.

“Really? So am I, that’s uh-” Vernon gets nervous that the girl might end up ruining his shoes. “That’s so cool. Wanna, do you wanna-”

She closes her eyes for a second and blindly reaches out for something to steady herself, so he grabs her arms on instinct.

“Are you okay?”

“You’re sooo cute, come with me, please?” She tries to pout at Vernon, but it comes out as almost every other emotion instead.

He shuffles through his choices mentally, deciding to make his way back into the living room with the girl clinging to him for dear life. The mind numbing music makes him wince a little, and he makes his way upstairs as fast as possible to get away from the hardcore party scene, not really in the mood for the smell of sweat and alcohol combined with the loudest room he could imagine in this moment. He manages to find an empty room on the third try, having seen a lot more naked people than he’s comfortable with in the span of the past few minutes.

He helps the girl lay down, and she mumbles something similar to a “don’t go, you’re so cute”, which Vernon decides to ignore, and turns her on her side instead - just in case she gets sick. He quickly makes his leave, and he can hear retching from the other side of the closed door as soon as he’s outside. It makes him wanna leave as soon as possible, so he does just that, bidding bye to some of his friends before vanishing into the dark. He’s never been so happy about silence before.

The night is tranquil, even his own footsteps barely audible as he makes his way home. When he hears rustling he looks around to find the source, finding someone climbing into the windowsill in a nearby building. He gets worried, immediately wondering if he should call someone, or maybe yell out to the stranger to stop, the 5th floor is a long way from the ground, it’s not worth it. He decides against it when he sees the stranger quietly settle down, but watches for a bit longer anyway before deciding to continue his journey. 

That night he falls asleep wondering if he should’ve texted you, if you’re even okay.

He dreams about the stranger falling from the window in slow motion, and wakes up in cold sweat before they could hit the ground.

-

You find yourself spending more and more nights in the kitchen, the quiet hum of the fridge and lone passersby keeping you company as you watch the world go by. It was peaceful in a terrible way, one which you were sure was no good for you. That window became your survival, even if it made your chest ache with the sights it presented occasionally. Some nights were different. Some nights your phone buzzed to life with a new text from Vernon, asking about your day or just trying to make conversation. With how unavailable you made yourself he suddenly became better at texting than talking. You had to admit that it always made you a little sad when you didn’t receive his almost routinely ‘hey :)’ just a little past midnight. You always started by scowling him for being up late again, to which he responded by telling you the same.

It’s around 1am when your phone almost buzzes off the countertop.

Vernon: hey :)

Vernon: its finally snowing!!

You didn’t have the heart to tell him that the snowfall at night has been almost the only constant in your life lately.

Vernon: where r u???

Vernon: i know ur up we’re gonna go build a snowman

Vernon: dress warm!!

You’re about to force yourself to lie and turn him down, but something snaps inside of you and you find yourself asking for a location before hurriedly pulling on some warmer clothes. To your surprise he asks to meet in the park about a block from your complex, so you make your way over, waiting a few minutes for Vernon to arrive too.

He greets you with a warm smile, barely half his face visible from his beanie and scarf, his hands tucked deep in his pockets.

“Why are you even up this late?” You ask with furrowed eyebrows.

“My roommates threw a party,” he closes his eyes and lets out an exasperated sigh, his breath drawing the prettiest shapes in the crisp air. “But I could be asking the same.”

“You could, but don’t,” he laughs at your response. “It’s really fucking cold tonight though, so let’s hurry up with that snowman.”

He grins at you and gently bumps his elbow into yours as you set off to find a good patch of snow. It starts out mellow, rolling snowballs around until you get to a size you’re happy with. However, Vernon gets bored quickly and decides to start targeting you with his snowballs instead. The park is quickly filled with your laughter and screaming, chasing each other around until you’re both too tired to run anymore. He flops down into the snow onto his back, sprawling all his limbs out. He’s still laughing quietly, interrupting himself with a scream when you throw one last snowball at his chest, half of the snow ending up in his face as it falls apart on impact. Your eyes widen as he jumps to his feet, an excited squeal leaving your lips when he sets off running in your direction. You try to make your escape, but of course he’s quicker and tackles you to the ground almost immediately. You both end up on your backs, your heads almost touching and the quiet night comes to life as you burst out in giggles almost in perfect harmony. 

“I think there’s a convenience store a few blocks away,” Vernon says once he’s calmed down enough to talk, and turns his head towards you.

“You hungry?” You move your gaze towards him, and suddenly his face is way too close - you could count his eyelashes or maybe get lost in his eyes forever. For a brief second it’s silent except for the pounding of your heart that you’re sure even he can hear.

“Yeah,” he whispers in response, not breaking eye contact. You swallow nervously and your eyes flicker to his lips. “I- Let’s go.”

“Okay,” you breathe out. Neither of you move.

You feel like even the world stops moving for a second, out of politeness, to give you time to think about what to do. You wonder what you’re so scared of, what is it about him that makes your brain short circuit with a single look. The thought of ruining your friendship with Vernon climbs to the front of your mind and suddenly it’s all you can think about. Your body moves on its own as you finally get up, dusting your clothes off and reaching down to help Vernon up. He stares at you dumbfounded, but takes your hand anyway and stands in front you in silence, watching you chew anxiously on your lower lip. Even if he doesn’t know all that’s been bothering you the past few weeks, he can clearly see that something isn’t quite right.

Suddenly you find himself in his embrace, his head squished to yours and his fingers tangled in the back of your coat. He holds you like this for a bit, playfully ruffling your hair when he finally pulls away.

“There’s nothing convenience store ramen can’t fix,” he says, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Especially since you’re paying,” you grin at him, and he only laughs at you, shaking his head a little. You never want this night to end.

The walk is quick and goes by in comfortable silence, only stealing glances at each other occasionally. You’re sitting under the flickering neon sign of the store, waiting for your ramen to finish cooking, Vernon almost falling asleep over his food. You offer him your couch for the night, but he politely declines, since surely the party must be over by now. You give him a small nod, poking away impatiently at your noodles, deciding to dig in whether it’s done or not, too hungry and tired to care. The clock above the cashier reads a little past 4am. 

With your stomachs full you’re standing outside the shop, mesmerised by the way the green neon highlights Vernon’s face. Even like this, he looks tired and almost a little sad. Your thoughts wander to how little he has said since you left the park, and it leaves a weird taste in your mouth.

“Thank you.” You spot the perplexed look in his eyes. “For tonight. It was… nice. So, thank you.”

He has way too much to say and way too little consciousness left in him for the night. He tries to string his thoughts together in an order so that they make sense, but the lack of sleep takes over and he only manages a tired smile. He can see something in your eyes that’s new to him, but he decides to save that conversation for another time.

Once you say your goodbyes you slowly make your way home, walking past the half finished snowman. Once you reach the other end of the park you let out a sigh and turn around. You pull your freezing hands from your pockets and get to work once again, rolling a head for the snowman and looking around for some twigs for the arms. You put on a few pebbles as decorations, a smile adorning the snowman’s face now. You take your phone and quickly snap a picture to send to Vernon, even though you’re sure he’s already fast asleep.

It’s past 5am once you get home, managing to fall asleep without tossing and turning for the first time in weeks. You don’t have a dream that night.

When Vernon stumbles through the front door he’s greeted by Seungkwan and Soonyoung watching some movie in the living room, probably half asleep as they don’t seem to notice his arrival. He takes off his shoes and coat, quietly moving towards his room when he hears a tired yawn from the couch. Seungkwan blinks at him sleepily, Vernon greeting him with a small wave that either goes unnoticed, or the boy really was asleep.

“You missed movie night,” Seungkwan croaks out. “What time is it anyways?”

“It’s really, really late. I just had to check on a friend.”

“A friend…” Seungkwan studies Vernon’s face. “You look like shit, dude.”

Vernon only looks back at him with a tired expression, letting out a low sigh before disappearing into his room. He flops down on his bed, not even bothering to change out of his clothes. He thinks back to your face so close to his, all the things he could’ve said and done. The moon peeks through his blinds, and he wonders if he kissed you would you have kissed him back.

He dreams about the feeling of your lips on his.

-

Vernon never replies to your finished snowman, and somehow it bothers you a lot more than it should. For the first time this winter the snow didn’t end up melting by the morning, and it’s even there covering the ground in a plush white layer a few days later.

It’s one of those nights again where the dark amplifies your loneliness, and you find yourself in the park again, sitting on a bench in front of your snowman. It’s leaning to the side a little, the daytime sun not taking mercy on it. You stare into its pebble eyes, your elbows resting on your knees and your chin in your palms - almost studying the little creature you made. You know it's going to melt and be gone in a few days, and the thought puts a frown on your face. You wish you never got attached to something so impermanent.

You check your phone for the time, but instead have to face a missed call and a message from Vernon. All it reads is “r u up?”, and you mentally cringe at the tinder-esque nature of his texting habits. You decide not to reply.

You get up to leave, but fix the snowman up before you do so, wrapping your scarf around its neck. You zip your coat up as high as possible and set off with silent steps. Being alone feels suffocating, even though you’re the one who turned Vernon down once again. It’s been weird seeing him around at school, only being able to think about how pretty he looks under cheap neon lights. He doesn’t make much of an effort to reach out either.

Later that week one of his friends invites you to some party he’s hosting, but you politely turn the offer down. You do end up buying a bottle of the cheapest grapefruit soju you can find that very same night, laying drunkenly on the floor and singing along to every song that comes on. You are glad that your phone is dead and you are too out of it to get up for the charger, because all you can think about is texting Vernon. It’s way past midnight when you finally feel well enough to get up, realising that you’ve been ignoring how hungry you are for the past few hours. The kitchen sounds like the worst place to be, so you get dressed and decide on the convenience store that Vernon showed you.

-

Vernon isn’t much for parties, but he realises that he’s in dire need of some socialisation, so when Mingyu invites him over he says yes without thinking. He regrets it just a little when he can hear the blaring music from outside the house, giving himself a mental pep talk before walking inside. He’s immediately met with a crowded room, barely able to squeeze past the swarm of sweaty bodies. Finding any of his friends seems impossible, but the kitchen is right on the other side of the living room, so he beelines there. He grabs a beer from the fridge, and almost jumps out of his skin when he closes the door to find someone standing right next to it, expectantly looking at him. The girl is familiar, but he can’t quite remember her.

“Hey,” she says with a shy smile. “I don’t think we’ve met, at least not when I’m sober.”

The memory suddenly hits him, and the look of realisation on his face makes the girl laugh. She does look different when she’s not about to throw up all over Vernon’s shoes and the floor.

“Oh yeah, that was… A night, for sure. Hi. I’m Vernon, by the way.”

He leans against the counter next to her and cracks his beer open. The girl reaches a free hand towards him, the other cradling a cup of something, and introduces herself as Seohyun. They make small talk for a while, both of them finishing their drinks before she asks Vernon if he wants to dance. He hesitates a little, but nods anyway, and she immediately grabs his hand with a giggle before pulling him into the crowd.

They dance like that, bodies pressed a little too close together, laughing over the music and singing along to every song they know. Vernon feels weird anyway, like something is missing, even if he couldn’t pinpoint what exactly.

He has no idea how long he’s been there when he finally spots Seungkwan in the kitchen, mixing multiple drinks at once. He excuses himself for a second from Seohyun and makes his way over to his friend to greet him. Seungkwan only nods at him, and the response puzzles Vernon.

“What?” Seungkwan asks when he notices Vernon silently staring at him.

“Nothing. Having fun?”

Once again, he only nods. Vernon furrows his eyebrows in confusion, but doesn’t press on, knowing fully well that Seungkwan will eventually tell him whatever is going on.

“Have you seen Mingyu?” Vernon shakes his head no and watches as Seungkwan somehow lifts all the cups at once and disappears out of sight without as much as a bye. He wonders if he should’ve stayed home to sleep instead.

He finds Seohyun on the couch, her head lazily thrown back and her eyes glistening in the dim light. She flashes a small smile when she spots Vernon, gesturing for him to sit down.

“I’m getting kind of hungry,” she pouts at him, and he feels like this is his chance to get out.

“I know just the place.”

-

You’re waiting for your ramen to finish cooking, sitting in the window of the convenience store with the neon lights lazily blinking down at you. Those 5 minutes feel like forever, but you’re not hungry enough to eat raw noodles.

The street in front of you is peaceful, even though there’s barely any snow left outside once again. You wonder how your snowman is doing. You wonder how Vernon is doing.

You look up at the clock above the cashier and notice that your food is finally done. Loud giggling grabs your attention from outside the store, and you wish you got more drunk so that you couldn’t be sitting here right now. Vernon’s eyes bore into your own through the glass, an unreadable expression on his face. The girl next to him is obviously lost as to what she’s witnessing, but doesn’t say anything. You quickly gather your belongings, grabbing your dinner too, before rushing out of the store. You glance at the boy one more time, and even though he’s clearly about to say something you rush off home. Tears blur your vision and leave burning trails along your face, but you just want to be home already.

Vernon is too stunned to move, only coming back to reality when he hears Seohyun’s voice.

“Who was that?”

“Just a friend.” A friend. “Let’s go eat.”

Seohyun beams at him, but he wishes he ran after you.

-

New Year’s Eve comes a lot quicker than you wish it did. Fireworks start going off way before midnight, and you can’t help but be annoyed. Maybe more sad than anything else, not really knowing how to feel excited about the new year. It used to be something you found exciting, but over the years it turned into peak isolation and anxiety season for you. Not out of choice, of course, life just happens sometimes.

You haven’t talked to Vernon at all since the convenience store. You haven’t really talked to anyone lately, except for a short call with your family to wish them happy holidays. You weren’t sure what went wrong, or where, but winter always brings a crippling feeling of cosmic insignificance into your life. Loneliness slowly turns into a black hole that absorbs all light and happiness in your life, and you find it harder and harder with each passing day to reach out. By the end of the year the light is barely a pinhole, and you’re sitting in the kitchen once again, watching the fireworks in silence.

-

Vernon can barely recognize their apartment after Seungkwan and Soonyoung are done with decorating, even less once it’s filled with music and all their friends. He doesn’t know most of them, but for one night he can find it in himself to be okay with this arrangement. His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he finds a text from Seohyun telling him that she’s outside. Vernon takes the elevator down to the first floor to let the girl in. He unlocks the door for her, and she hugs him with the brightest smile on her face. Guilt immediately floods Vernon’s chest, but he doesn’t want to back away now, after all he was the one who invited Seohyun to this party. They make their way up in silence and enter the bustling apartment, Seohyun finding Vernon’s hand quickly at the overwhelming sight.

It’s still a few hours until midnight and Vernon wonders why he ever thought this to be a good idea.

A few drinks and a lot more dancing later he already feels worn out. He’s almost a hundred percent sure that there’s people doing the worst thing imaginable in his room, and the thought alone makes him want to leave for the rest of the night. He’s way too close to actually ditching all his friends and his sort-of-date, when Seungkwan suddenly yells over the music and the crowd, telling everyone to get to the rooftop. Vernon’s never been so relieved to hear his friend yell. He lets the crowd go out first, Seohyun still by his side. They leave last, Vernon making sure to close the door behind them. He catches a mischievous glint in Seohyun’s eyes, and she challenges him to a race to the staircase at the other end of the building. He lets out a tired sigh, but the girl tugs on his arm - and possibly his heartstrings - in a way he can’t resist. So they run, giggling and being just a little too loud.

It’s only a few minutes until the new year when they finally join the others, out of breath and still laughing. He can see Seohyun’s lips moving, but can’t make out any of it over the noise of all other people present. Suddenly the cacophony turns into clear chanting, and he can faintly recognise Seungkwan who yells “ten” first. They join in to the countdown, fireworks already going off in the distance.

Three. Two. One.

The crowd erupts in cheers, fireworks going off all around them as they enter a new year. Seohyun looks up into Vernon’s eyes, getting on her tiptoes and gently grabbing the collar of his coat. It feels wrong, so wrong, to lead someone on like this, and somehow Vernon still decides to kiss her, his hands settling on her waist as their lips meet. She smiles into the kiss, one of her hands gently moving up to rest on his cheek.

“Happy new year,” Seohyun whispers, still out of breath, resting her forehead against Vernon’s. He doesn’t say it back.

His phone buzzes away on the kitchen counter, your name weakly flashing on the screen. The call disconnects, and the house falls into darkness, before lighting up once again, this time with a text.

“happy new year”

Then it’s dark again.

-

Soon the days start getting longer and you finally say goodbye to snowy nights. You still dream about draping your scarf around Vernon, late night grocery runs, a kitchen window that’s brighter and doesn’t make you feel like the shell of who you used to be.

However, sleep still doesn’t come easy, it never really did. You occasionally find yourself looking out the same window, the sight comforting you with its continuity. Sometimes all you have is the view and the sill where you dangle your feet into a reality where you don't feel so left behind by life.

Tonight is no different, a blanket over your shoulders as you watch over the city. The distant noise of buzzing life makes you feel at peace, and you’re about to crawl back inside when you hear someone yelling your name. The word almost sounds unfamiliar, not having heard it in a while. You look around for the source of the sound, finally spotting Vernon who blends into the night in his usual all black outfit.

“Hey,” he yells once again, and he continues before you can stop him. “Come down? Please?”

You quickly climb inside, Vernon’s voice drowned out by your heart hammering in your chest. You only put on some slippers as you run out of your apartment, fuzzy sucks on your feet and the same blanket still over your shoulder. The elevator ride seems to take forever, but you finally get down, finding Vernon right outside the building sitting on the stairs. He scrambles to his feet when he hears the door behind him open, staring at you with an unreadable expression on his face. Even though it’s dark, you can see he looks different somehow. Maybe more tired, maybe a little more sad.

“What are you doing here?” The question comes out almost as a whisper.

“I recognized your socks. That sounded a little weird, I’m sorry, I just… Haven’t seen you in a while.”

It’s true, you were focused on your exams and skipped most of your classes whenever you didn’t feel like leaving your apartment for the day. It’s also true that Vernon never called you back or replied to your text since new year’s. He couldn’t bring himself to look you in the eyes after kissing Seohyun, even though he told her everything a few days later. She was very understanding, albeit understandably sad, and they did find good friends in each other with Vernon after all that happened.

“Is that my scarf?” You step closer to him, gently touching the soft fabric.

“I found it in the park. I was gonna bring it back, but then things kind of… happened,” His voice is barely above a whisper and he looks a little too deep into your eyes.

“How’s Seohyun?” You take a step back, and Vernon visibly gulps. Somehow he just knows that you’ve been talking to Seungkwan.

“I think she’s got a girlfriend now, actually. How’s your boyfriend?”

You’re taken aback by his question, his words sharp and purposeful, making you wince. He doesn’t say anything else, holding your stare as if it was a challenge. You feel the tears welling in your eyes, but neither of you move.

“Happy with someone else.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You called me down for this? Really, Vernon?” You snap at him, unwinding the scarf from his neck, tears freely racing down your face and you almost miss the front door as you push it open.

“Fuck you,” you spit at him before slamming the door shut.

-

Monday morning classes roll around once again, and you find yourself in your usual spot in the lecture hall. For a few weeks you sit alone, Vernon vanishing out of your life along with winter. It’s not until spring finally arrives that a familiar head of messy hair is occupying the seat next to yours by the time you arrive. You quietly settle into your chair, choosing to look everywhere except for the boy next to you. There’s still time until class starts, and you consider leaving to avoid whatever is about to happen, but Vernon is quicker, sliding a lone earphone in front of you on the desk. He patiently waits for you to pick it up and place it in your ear, one of your favourite songs already softly playing. He doesn’t say anything for the rest of the class, doodling away in his notebook as usual, and it feels like winter again. When class is over Vernon hurries to leave, but you proceed to stop him in his tracks to give him the earphone back. He almost looks disappointed.

For a moment it’s only the two of you, getting lost in each other’s eyes and wondering when things turned like this, so distant and unfamiliar.

“Wanna go grab some coffee?” Vernon asks suddenly, even though he sounds a little unsure himself. It all feels like the first Monday you met.

The walk is quiet, but not in the comfortable way you’re used to. He still knows your order by heart, and somehow it just makes your chest feel even more tight. Vernon feels like a stranger and your dearest friend at the same time. Sometimes when you look at him too much you go back to the night where things still felt okay and you wonder if he ever thinks about it - about how badly you wanted to hold his hands, kiss him still lying in the snow.

“Your face is gonna stay like that if you frown so much,” he says nonchalantly as he hands you a to-go paper cup.

“I wish,” your words make him snort into his drink as he’s about to take a sip, and it makes you smile too.

You let Vernon lead the way through the neighbourhood, making small talk about all the things you missed in each other’s lives, although you don’t have much to offer having mostly sat at home. You end up on a park bench next to a small lake, and you watch as the ducks peacefully swim along. You wonder if the water isn’t still too cold for them. Vernon is still fiddling with his cup, almost looking somewhat nervous. 

“I missed you,” he says quietly.

“You could’ve texted me.” He doesn’t reply. You do your best not to raise your voice. “At least say something now.”

“What the fuck do you want me to say? Confess my undying love for you? Tell you how I think about you every single day? How guilty I feel that I can’t even bring myself to look you in the eyes?” He’s looking for something, anything in your eyes, but you’re too angry to give it to him that easily.

“Maybe.”

“Oh you’re one to talk, like you’d ever tell me any of it!”

Vernon lets out a frustrated sigh, squeezing the cup in his hands until it buckles. His words fill your head, then your whole body, and you feel like your whole being is vibrating and slowly vanishing at the edges.

Maybe you’ve already fallen hard, hard enough that it did break your body in unspeakable ways. You get up to leave, barely standing on shaky legs, not completely aware of your surroundings. The ringing in your ears gets louder and the air feels a little too thick and the sink is dripping again, and you know you’ll have to get it fixed.

Cold hands come to rest on your face, Vernon’s forehead against yours and you wonder if love is supposed to hurt like this. You close your eyes, the snow is falling and your snowman is smiling at you warmly, your scarf around its neck. A teardrop rolls down your face and you open your eyes slowly.

“Are you okay?”

“Kiss me.”

A sad smile appears on his lips, his hands moving from your face and he wraps his arm around you instead, tucking your face into his neck.

“I promise I will,” He pulls away just enough to see your face. “Another time.”

Your head is still buzzing as he walks you home, gently holding your hand, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of your hand. You’re reluctant to let go when you reach your building, and your hesitation draws a faint smile on Vernon’s face.

He leaves a kiss on your forehead before saying bye.

That night you dream about being a duck, floating on glimmering ponds in the early spring sunset. You wake up crying at 2am.

-

You’re on your way home after a late night grocery run when your phone starts vibrating in your pocket. Vernon’s incoming call confuses you at such an odd hour, but you pick it up anyway. It’s loud on the other end of the line, loud music and even louder screaming drowning out Vernon’s voice almost completely.

“Where are you?” He yells into the phone.

“Out. Why?” You’re not sure if he’s sober.

He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, then suddenly it’s entirely quiet. You check if he’s ended the call. A loud bang reassures you that he’s still there.

“Someone’s having the worst sex I’ve ever witnessed right in my room. Are you free?” The distress in his voice makes you laugh, and you can imagine the frown on his face too well.

“You can come over if you want to, I’ll be home in a bit.”

He doesn’t need much convincing, so you hang up to finally focus on your groceries, grabbing a few extra drinks and snacks for your sudden guest. He’s sitting on the stairs in front of the building when you get home, listening to music that you can faintly make out from his headphones. He notices you as you halt to a stop right in front of him, a tired look on his face as he looks up at you. He smiles at you still and you can’t help but return the gesture.

You blindly reach into your bag, shuffling around for a can of cola that you bought for him. Your fingers finally wrap around the cold metal, and you hand the drink to Vernon, taking another one out for yourself. You take a seat on the stairs next to him, your knees slightly touching - he doesn’t move, so you don’t, either. The wind quietly shakes the barely-there leaves on the trees, and it moves something within you, too.

“I thought you like parties,” you tease him.

“You don’t know what I saw there. Consider yourself lucky, honestly.”

“I mean, you’re lucky that I’m nice enough to offer you my couch for the night.” He scoffs in response, and bumps his knee into yours.

You wonder if Vernon only exists on Mondays and at night.

His profile is sharp and soft at the same time in the flickering, orange light blinking at you from a nearby street lamp. He seems lost in thought and you don’t have it in yourself to bother him right now, not when everything feels so at peace for once. A few faint stars twinkle in the sky, and the moon looks as full as your heart feels. Spring always knew how to take your troubles away - it even happened a little too easily, the ice around your heart melting with the first golden rays of sunshine. 

You know you’re going to be okay.

Almost on instinct you lean your head on Vernon’s shoulder, and you feel his arm circling your waist and squeezing gently, his head coming to rest on top of yours.

Maybe he could help you fix the dripping sink in your bathroom, too.

The lack of sleep finally finds you, the gentle breeze making both of you shiver just enough for you to make your way inside. The elevator has never felt so slow as you wait for it, but when Vernon carefully takes your hand in his, you don’t mind as much anymore. You can feel your face heating up a little, thankful when the elevator dings open. Vernon doesn’t let go of your hand, but you can also tell that his eyes are barely open, so you do your best not to think too much of it even if your skin feels like it’s on fire. You put in your passcode and walk into the small apartment, both of you kicking off your shoes before you lead him into the living room, where he collapses on the couch immediately.

It’s a little endearing somehow, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as he struggles to keep his eyes. You fetch him a blanket and leave a toothbrush on the side of the sink, but he’s fast asleep by the time you get back, a throw pillow tucked under his head. You gently cover him with the blanket, and leave to get ready for bed after whispering a “good night” into the dark room.

You have a hard time falling asleep, wondering if he’s going to be there in the morning.

You dream about having his toothbrush in your cup next to yours.

You wake up to the smell of breakfast, worry flooding your mind before you remember that it’s most likely just Vernon. You slowly open your door, peeking into the kitchen to see him in front of the stove, fumbling with a pan and a pair of chopsticks.

“Smells good,” your sudden voice makes him jump, and he almost drops the pan.

“Just because I don’t know how to unlock the front door you don’t get to scare me to death.”

His focus is back on the eggs in front of him, so you slip into the bathroom to brush your teeth. You grab everything without even looking, but the toothbrush feels foreign in your hand. You look at yourself in the mirror and realise that you’re holding the one that you left out for Vernon last night. Then it hits you, he put it in the cup himself.

You quickly finish your morning routine and walk back into the kitchen where he’s sitting at the table, two plates of food set out for both of you. The sun filters in through the sheer curtain, painting everything golden, and you feel like your heart might rip out of your chest with how it’s hammering away.

Breakfast is quiet and peaceful, Vernon showing no signs of being in a hurry. You thank him for making you food as you place the dishes in the sink, only to find him staring at you when you turn back around. His eyes are soft, a smile playing at the corners of his lips, and you feel almost naked under his gaze.

“What?” You know you’re blushing, but you have nowhere to hide in the small kitchen.

“Nothing.”

The smile doesn’t leave his lips still, and you quickly excuse yourself as you rush into your room, feeling too overwhelmed. It’s weird to have someone, especially him, in your kitchen, looking so domestic and so pretty in the early morning sunlight. You can hear him doing the dishes in the other room and it almost makes you cry. By the time you gather yourself enough to face him again he’s getting ready to leave, one of his shoes already on his feet. You watch in silence, and unlock the door for him when he stands up straight.

He’s halfway out the door when he turns back around and presses a kiss to your cheek; your mouth opens and closes as you try to say something. Vernon says bye with a laugh and leaves you standing there, way too flustered to even close the door.

A neighbour appears in the hallway which prompts you to slam the door shut way too quickly and loudly, pressing your back against it and sliding to the floor.

You wonder if you’re still dreaming.

-

You’re running late to your morning class, having missed your alarm, feeling kind of asleep still. The seat next to yours is empty when you arrive just a few seconds before the professor, and you wish you went back to bed instead of running all the way to school.

The class is halfway through when the door quietly opens and Vernon slips in, two to-go cups in his hands. He looks completely unbothered by the fact that he’s this late as he takes his usual seat. He slides one of the drinks in front of you, your name scribbled on the side of the paper cup. You give him a confused look, but he only nods at you before taking a sip of his coffee. You do the same, quickly realising that he bought you your favourite. Maybe coming to class wasn’t the worst idea.

You leave the lecture together, coming to a halt in front of the building as Vernon spots his friends huddled together in their usual circle.

“There’s gonna be a party tonight,” he turns to you suddenly. “I want you to come.”

His eyes are intense and it makes your heart flutter.

“Okay, I’ll be there. Thank you for the drink.” You give him a soft smile.

“I was gonna be late anyway, so I figured why not.” It’s obvious that he’s not telling the truth, his cheeks turning red along with his ears. It makes you feel warm inside. “I’ll see you tonight?”

“Will you watch the sunset with me before?”

With the way you’re looking at him, he doesn’t think he could say no to you, so he nods and turns to say bye. You stop him, your fingers wrapping around his arm, and you press a quick kiss to his cheek before walking away. He looks even more flustered, his feet glued in place as he watches you disappear into the morning mist.

You can hear his friends faintly as they cheer for him from afar.

-

It’s already getting dark when you rush out of your apartment towards the address that Vernon texted you. The air is crisp against your skin, and you realise you didn’t dress nearly warm enough to be sitting out in the cold, but it’s too late to go back home. You will yourself to a jogging speed, finally spotting Vernon in front of his complex.

“Please tell me the elevator is working,” you say, still trying to catch your breath. “My body was not made for this.”

“Well…” Vernon starts, but the look in your eyes makes him burst out in laughter. “I’m just fucking with you, it’s fine.”

“You better hope it’s fine, or you’ll get to carry me up to the rooftop on your back,” it’s his turn to give you a distraught look.

Lucky for both of you, the elevator is in working condition, so you only have to take the stairs on the last two floors. Vernon makes a show of opening the door leading up to the rooftop, a fond look on his face as he watches you take in the view. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen you this happy. You turn to him and wrap your arms around him in a tight hug, muttering a “thank you” into his coat. The pink sky, along with the last few rays of sunshine make Vernon look even more angelic than you usually find him, and you wonder if he too can hear how fast and loud your heart is beating. He says something that you can’t hear from being lost in thought, but before you can ask him to repeat himself he’s pulling a blanket from his backpack and putting it down on the ground. You both take a seat, sitting close enough that your thighs are touching, your head almost immediately coming to rest on his shoulder.

The city is quietly buzzing away in the distance, glass buildings glistening pink, birds flying across the horizon. Vernon feels warm and familiar, his head on top of yours and his arm around you. You don’t remember the last time you felt so at peace.

The top of the sky is fading into blue, the last bit of sun still poking out from behind the city, but the stars are already visible. It feels like a moment you’ll remember forever.

You’re getting ready to leave, Vernon reaching a hand towards you to help you up. You watch him fold and put the blanket away in silence, and he freezes when he turns around, his backpack in his hands, finally noticing that you’re looking at him.

“What?” 

He looks confused, but you simply step closer instead of replying. Your mind is a mess of incomprehensible thoughts no matter how hard you try to regain control over yourself.

“Can you kiss me?” It’s barely a whisper, your thoughts somewhere far away, somewhere where you’re lying in the snow, eating ramen under neon lights. Somehow, Vernon looks the same kind of dazed.

His bag lands on the ground with a thud, his hands cupping your face as he leans in without thinking, his lips crashing against yours almost hungrily. Your fingers find his collars easily even with your eyes closed, pulling him closer, closer, closer. Your lips move perfectly together, your hearts beating in unison. He tastes like how it feels to wake up next to someone you love, and even though his lips are cold, a warm feeling floods your whole body. You only pull away when your lungs beg you for air, and as your eyes find Vernon’s you can’t help but smile. With his hands still gently resting on your face he wipes away a few stray tears, and you turn your head to the side to press your lips against his palm.

The air feels thick from all the words left unsaid, but they can wait. For now, you’re okay with this.

“I don’t wanna go to that party anymore.”

“I’ve got a better idea.”

-

You’re sitting at your usual table under the flickering neon lights at the convenience store, already having finished your food. For the first time in months, your chest feels light, and you’re not sure if it’s because of spring or Vernon. You don’t mind either way.

He walks you home, almost kisses you goodnight, but you pull away. He looks at you anxiously, waiting for something to happen.

“Sleep over,” you say in a small voice.

“Your couch isn’t that comfortable,” he’s only half joking, a smirk on his lips and his hands reaching to find yours.

“But my bed is.”

The smile vanishes off his face, his eyes widening, and you’re about to make up an excuse, say that you were only joking, when you notice that he’s blushing. Suddenly he nods, beaming at you, and you mimic his expression, pulling him towards the entrance.

It’s odd, having him this close, especially in your own home after having been alone in it for so long. He smells like your shampoo, and tastes like your toothpaste, and it makes you nervous and excited at the same time, your heart feeling too big for your chest.

You watch with a fond look on your face as he moves around in the apartment, and somehow it feels like this is how it’s always been, his comfortable presence filling a void you weren’t even fully aware of.. 

In the dark of your room, under the warm covers, he holds you against his chest as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. He looks at you, his gaze flickering between your eyes and your lips.

“Can I kiss you?” His question makes you let out an airy laugh, but he waits for your answer patiently.

“Only if you promise that you’ll do it again.”

With that, his lips are on yours, softly and slowly. He’s touching you like no one did before, with so much love and patience, that you can’t help but think about how this will break your body in unspeakable ways.

-

When you wake up, his bag is in the corner of your room, his toothbrush is still next to yours in the cup, and the sink isn’t dripping anymore. He’s still asleep, and you trace his features in your mind, trying to memorise how beautiful he looks even like this.

You know you’ll never love anyone as much as this, not in this lifetime.

A fleeting moment of everything and nothing.

[jellibelli123]

This channel, ooooo!!! Fucking hell, they really went the route of Kerzgesagt in a nutshell whenever politics, specifically climate change, was a video topic. And my radar has been pinging alerts in recent videos up until this point where it went on full alert.

For those who dont know KIAN went under controversy having donors like the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, a foundation who has a history of publishing articles that benefit their investment interests, specifically the odd Carbon Catchers KIAN was promoting in any Climate change video as well as the typical "vote with your dollar, its your responsibility" kind of propaganda similar to the late 1900s early climate activism instead of giving real meaningful solutions LET ALONE POINTING THE BLAME ON THE ACTUAL PROBLEM MAKERS, the corporations.

That and the usual "gdp makes the world better" when its not entirely accurate let alone applicable to people who existed without gdp and lots of todays systemic problems like homelessness before getting fucking colonized and genocided, like the SikSika who Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is based off of before being edited to fit a hierarchical society because of death threats from racists. See this for more details about that specifically.

Back to the video in the image

Yeah that was this video, "Just take these three sentences as lenses and put them together to make a better world! Oh and go donate to provide real impact!" And nothing else.

Note i haven't checked who their donors are if they have any, I am pointing out that they sound 1-1 how kerzgesagt did.

But it gets worse!

Their source: Our World In Data which they basically just repeated a statement article from it's CEO (nonprofit my ass). Now in the beginning while my alarms were going off, I decided to dive into this site I've never heard about.

- I first looked at who made it, Oh oxford! Calmed me down a bit...

-oh hey who's this other guy. GCDL? Global Change Data Lab! Sounds like scientists same as Our World in Data! I take a look at them, a non profit. Ok, so who's their donors?..........well wouldn't you know it, but a primary donor is the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation!! Panic

But OH IT GETS WORSE!!!!

Ignoring all that because people still do trust the B&MGF, I decide to hold these guys by their word. If they have everything statistics about the ENTIRE WORLD, surely they have stuff about Palestine?.... :3

...surely they would right?

......right???

WELL YES as a matter of fact!

Oh thank god!

Oh sweet summer child the only good thing I found was that it listed Palestine as a country, which shouldn't be a plus cause that's the bare minimum.....but a plus whatever.

Taking a deep dive into many of the graphs they have which are plentiful, I noticed the numbers...were low...and the graphs not going past the year 1950.........uh oh.

I decide to look for death graphs...found not a lot of bumps in coorilation to the many atrocities we've seen happening in real time...

Some graphs where it noted per 100,000 people, it was sometimes 10 deaths-1k deaths depending on what it was focusing on.

NOW TO THE WORST PART

I went ahead and focused on "Deaths in Interstate conflict based on where they occurred". Can you guess how much they had from the Nakba, allllll the way till now?

Nope, lower

Lowerrr

Not even close, here:

A whopping flatline...

Now surely I hear you say, I got something mixed up, scrolls a little bit

Surely I got my Intra mixed with my Inter, maybe I need to select the check marks on the side! Maybe oh maybe scrolls a little more

Oh! Gotcha there, you thought I was going to compare it to the wrong example graph for Ukraine right? Hahahahah-

.......still 80k deaths listed here too, just like in the example graph I definitely didn't almost accidentally use ahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhSILLY!!

But fr fr here's the actual graphs I almost compared incorrectly!

Note according to the site they only list something if it causes 25 deaths a year....the most that's listed on Palestine's graph is 2,287 total deaths in 2014. Not "notes about per 100k", total.

Note that Ukraine's number which I went back and hovered over the spike in 2022 when russia invaded, still shows 80k~ deaths total.

So...what gives?

Well that's just what happens when science gets boarded with Imperialism from corporations and governments; one of the oldest tales in the book of sciences history we are trying to undo today.

The data, can lie.

Always remember to ask who this benefits, my fellow leftists. Is it the people, or those in power?

Always look up opposing info where you can, especially if you are in the US...

Thank you for my ted talk that will more than likely not reach anyone but whatever! Life of a furry I guess lmao!

......anddontsaythegayfurryhactivistgroupLMAOOOO

[madchild-dennis]

Let me make sure I make it CLEAR what happened before people start making up assumptions and spreading lies.

Like people did with the case I have against the guy that nearly raped me.

(FYI: I did not meet him, nor pursue him in a situation where any of us was initiating ANYTHING. When I met that ugly shit, was after I was introduced to his sister and ASKED to help her find her stolen phone. I met him officially AT THE POLICE station where I was ALREADY assisting his sister. THEN he came to join the situation to help. It was that SAME night after his sister got all the assistance from me and more. Was when he pursued. If his sister who is now defending his disgusting behavior, didn't say "not to judge the book by its cover", blah blah blah. Nor did the conversation before what transpired was focused on business and progressing one's self. I would NEVER go anywhere with that SHIT nor engage in anything with him. I am mostly attracted to nerds or nerd-looking or nerd-like men or well educated or classily dressed or edgy-yet classy men. Men focused on something or a specific career intrigue me. Not wanna-be DJs or failed dancehall artists who want to look, walk or talk like a gangsta. KMFT. Plus more...)

Anyway, with new guy. He wasn't giving much. In fact I didn't know much about him other than his first name (similar to an ex) where he works and what he used to do. That he seems close to his father and may have a mother. A few other things that I already mentioned.

That's literally it.

Nothing more. Then he had some time off, where he asked me why I choose to work in Jamaica. Ok, I know I can be evasive. So my, "when did I say I was working" was cheeky yes. The issue wasn't that. Because I eventually came back around when he asked if I was working. Which I told him to call me.

How could I be able to put I'm a Queen in simple text message and explain what God is doing. Which would be breaking down what I'm doing. Which isn't "working". Well, not the typical work.

So after I told the dude to call me, he laughed. Then he ignored it. To then the next day text "Hi, Sup".

I then said to myself ENOUGH. It's been 3 weeks according to him. We must can have a fucking normal conversation, beyond sup, how are you and done. Especially on his day off. I must can share more or get to know him more.

But no.

After he listened the voicenote I send about being stressed, patient and I was feeling him but over the bullshit. That's when he was all: "I didn't know...I'll call...😘...etc. KMFT. No he did not call and that's that on that.

(He give me avoidant personality who only wants everything to be nice soft and easy. There should NEVER be issues, problems or conflicts. The FUCK? I ain't going down that road AGAIN. Hell NO. Issues will ALWAYS arrive. I can't deal with someone who'd disappear when problem arrive or appear only when it's calm. KMFT. FUCK THAT FUCKERY.—that type of personality gives off NARCISSISM though. Because he is selfishly saying he exist or will be around only when everything is okay, calm or fine for HIM.)

I have no time for FOOLISH MEN.

There are too many of them out here in these streets

[raparopa]

a/n: you won't believe who's still alive

a/n 2: I remind you that my English is still bad

a/n 3: PLEASE write if you want to see beautiful women from this series too (yes i write femslash)

warnings: murders? (?not romantic guys?)

jealousy

daemon targaryen

-good. daemon targryen psycho (my opinion, you know). if he has real feelings for you, then his jealousy, well, how to say ... he will not say this directly, rather he will mockingly hint to you that he is dissatisfied with this or that action of another person.

-I think he will actually react with ridicule. first he will humiliate the one who dared to disturb your peace of mind, this, of course, will attract the attention of everyone

-if the guy realizes that it's time to leave, the daemon will throw a couple of barbs at you after all this. if not...then god forbid someone meet with an annoyed daemon.

-do you remember the scene with velaryon? repeat it in your head with double brutality and ten times

-daemon - a man with an eternal sword in his hands. so I doubt that if someone knows about your connection with the targaryen, he will climb to you)))))

criston cole

- in my head criston cole-yandere. and do what you want with me ok? he is not a reserved person. he is a walking bomb that will explode from a small spark. he attaches too much to those he loves, and this attachment is not entirely healthy

-everything can make him jealous. EVERYTHING. did someone look at you for more than two seconds? did someone touch you? someone complimented you and you smiled? killing machine mode enabled.

-he will immediately get into a fight. if he doesn’t get into a fight, he will challenge him to a fight. if he doesn’t call for a fight, he will blow his head off, while no one sees.

-you are everything for him that exists. there is nothing else but you. after he has dealt with the threat on the horizon, in the form of someone else near you, he will be angry enough not to speak to you for several days, also suffering from his actions.

-everything you do should be directed towards him and only him. it is not discussed. and it doesn't matter who you are or what you are.

aemond targaryen

- looks at the opponent for a long time and menacingly, making everyone within a mile radius nervous. I think he's poking his knife into the table, making everyone JUST MORE nervous.

-long and absolute destruction of his opponent. such that poor alicent wants to turn into something round and roll away to hell from the king's landing. everyone is silent while the prince speaks. he deliberately ignores you and your presence, your entreaties, your requests. he has one goal - to destroy the one who thought too much of himself.

-I love this guy very much, but let's not deny that he has certain problems with affection and feelings (like all other relatives). he is very painfully worried inside himself that someone can steal you from him. he's so deeply insecure because of his eye...why does the only person he's revealed to prefer someone else?

-when he finishes talking, the person talking to you will be dead. typical outcome.

-and you? a serious conversation awaits you. and you will also get some unpleasant offers. unconscious of course. (followed by the meanest apologies)

aegon targaryen

-he immediately starts pouting like a small child. how DARE you be with someone else instead of him?! how dare someone steal you away from him?! how is that even possible?

-I think he even cries a little. just for a second. and then immediately orders to destroy the person who interfered with his personal happiness.

-he will be offended. and will be convinced that it is you who are to blame for this. you will not be able to find him for several days, and if you meet, he will defiantly pretend that you do not exist.

-yes, you will have to apologize on your own.

-and say that he is the most wonderful in the world. just say the sweetest things about him, hold him in your hand, stroke his hair, comfort him. and only then will you be forgiven.

[featherymainffins]

Haha yeah, it's been a bit of time!!! I think I'm doing fairly ok, had some trouble with university and also went no-contact with my mother and i have a tattoo now (got it for my birthday lol). How about you, are you doing well : D?

I wouldn't call it impressive but it's pretty fun when it's not infuriating dkshkjdhk. What will be impressive will be the moment I finally manage to play the waltz I composed some time back correctly. I keep fucking it up even though the melody is really easy. Oh that reminds me, I have no idea if I ever posted my new ukulele, whom I call Henry, to Tumblr? I got him for Christmas because I really wanted a wooden ukulele but of course I had to customise it, and I know that I have showed him to people on Discord but unsure about Tumblr because it's possible I deleted before that. And no, it isn't a secret jdkfhkdjf. I've just been modding Baldur's Gate 3 since like early December and at first I was like "I'll just make one single head so that my characters is accurate and then I'll stop." and um yeah I have not yet stopped. I'm mostly making heads both my own and just making pre-existing but unusable heads usable for players (which can be either a nightmare or easy breezy depending on why exactly it isn't usable. Like nightmare nurse heads? A breeze, easy as hell, at least resculpted their ears for all races as to avoid the task being too low effort lol. Oh yeah the textures sucked hell but like the 3d models themselves were fine. On the other hand...Gerringothe Thorm? Awful, no good, a horrifying experience, would do it again but yeah I wouldn't recommend. That is because she is a monster and naturally does not use the same skeleton as humanoid characters nor is her UV map anything close to normal and her textures sucked and Chainner was not available when I was making her meaning I don't even remember how the hell I upscaled those textures but I did and it was a nightmare. So yeah.), but sometimes I also make armour if I have a particular vision. I post some progress stuff and general BG3 modding stuff on my sideblog @featherymuffins-moi (long story but when i started making mods i jokingly wrote moi, meaning me in French, in the author field that mods have and then I forgot to remove it when I decided to publish the mod so ever since then I'm "featherymuffins - moi" on Nexus) if you wanted to take a look but I haven't posted much there, you can see more of my stuff on Nexus, but I also have some stuff that's private for now that I haven't really posted, usually because it isn't really super release-ready yet or because I keep forgetting about it but I can show you some photos of, for example, Wrestling, which is a head/character I made like a week ago and proceeded to make armour for them immediately. I haven't posted Wrestling as a head anywhere yet because...idk...

Yeah, I was just mentioning the Toymaker analysis specifically because that is something I really want to do and I feel kinda bad about how I seem to be incapable of doing it in a decent time frame? Like I feel like the list of my tasks/projects/hobbies keeps getting bigger and never gets any smaller dsfsfsf.

Right, right, right, so I'm actually not sure if I was posting about it before I deleted or if I finished the book only afterwards, but around New Year's I read this book by Stephen King called Dreamcatcher, and uh, it's very difficult to recommend because the ending sucks shit. But if you ignore like 5 sentences that completely ruin everything and pretend they do not exist then it's a good book. So that's what I do. Funnily enough I do not like it for the plot, the plot is in itself fairly unremarkable, but I like the themes present and the execution of them. Like what is actually going on is your typical sci-fi horror stuff and is cool I guess but what I like way more than that is the psyche of the characters and who plays what role in the narrative etc etc. The book is long, has about 700 pages, I do have a PDF if you're interested (I have a physical copy but I'm in the process of analysing my fucked up idiot meow meow and it's a real damn hassle to analyse characters when you have to flip through pages and can't just skip to your highlights you know? So that's why I also have a PDF now.). There are also audiobook versions. I do not know if they're good. I hope they are because I would actually like to listen to one later. I can provide a link to at least one.

And this is getting like real long so I should cut it off but just a bit of info about the character whom I'm like insane about, the only problem is that he's hard to talk about because the themes, they do slap way goddamn harder when you do not expect them. But the total basic gist is: the freak in question is called Mr. Gray and he's an alien from what was an alien hivemind before the rest got absolutely annihilated in a battle, and he's just,,,,he's so everything. You know how that one meme is kinda like "Stop giving me your toughest battles I am not your strongest soldier I am your weakest soldier." or whatever the counter-meme to "God's strongest soldier" was like? Yeah well he's definitely the aliens' weakest soldier. I'm willing to bet the whole hivemind cluster that go to Earth was the race's weakest soldier. They have to be from alien Florida or something. It's also really funny how he like almost always says complete bullshit? Like sometimes it's really funny because he'll be like "Hmmm yes well you see unlike the primitive human race that cannot be considered sentient, we truly think and aren't weighed down by these 'emotions' of yours." and in the next breath he'll be like "We came to Earth because your mom. Lmao." When he doesn't want to answer a question truthfully he'll either just ask you a question or he'll say something that is so clearly either a lie or a straight up shitpost. Alien fungi is funnier than some Tumblr users for real sdkjhsfkss.

But that's just the absolute basic gist that doesn't say anything but if you would like to hear more about the alien I can definitely talk at length about like everything about him including the themes, I just didn't want to talk about him too much in this reblog because it's,,,,so long jksdhskjdhk.

Hey! How have you been? Sorry for disappearing, I deleted my Tumblr for a bit and then I uh forgot to remake it because I was 3D modelling in Blender for 3 months and learning how to code. Long story. I still haven't done the analysis of the Toymaker that I promised back in December. So there is that. But the good news is that I am not currently spending my days 3d modelling all day every day, which does actually make the possibility of me ever doing an analysis much more possible.

Also I might have a book recommendation for you. I have been recommending it to literally everyone around me lol. It has weird little men. Who are fucked up and pathetic but in a bit of a cute way? Depends on what genres of books you like tho. There is also an audiobook version if you prefer that. Oh and a film adaptation but that one...well...it is technically a good adaptation but it also kinda completely glosses over any of the deeper themes. Like yeah the plot is very faithful. No themes present though. Not sure about the quality of the audiobook but I personally want to listen to it later because I want to see what direction they took my favourite freak's voice in.

Anyway, I hope you are doing great!

Ira oh my goodness you're ALIVE!!! 🙈💖💖💖 hello my dear friend, how are you doing? it's been so long!! 🥰 ooh wow, sounds like you've been super busy!! please don't worry at all - real life can always pull us away from our Internet sillies, but i'm so glad you've been doing something so interesting with your time!! 3d modelling in Blender and coding is so impressive - are you working on something specific, or is it a secret? 😉 oh pal, don't worry about the Toymaker analysis at all! if i had a penny for every time i've said i'll do a fandom-related thing and then didn't, i'd be very rich indeed 😂 if the mood strikes you i would be delighted to see it, but don't let fandom fun become another job, you know? :3c ohoho i am very curious about this book recommendation - what is it? 👀 you know i love weird little men!!!! and it's always fun to see what gets other people fixating hahaha i'm so glad you're back buddy!! welcome home, settle in, and i hope to talk to you more soon 🙏💖

[spidernerdsblog]

It’s Complicated: Part 2

A/N : I really thought this was a very lame idea when I started writing this but thank you so much for the overwhelming response for the first part. Hope you like this. Let me know what you think.

Pairing : frat! Tom Holland x Reader ( College roommate au)

Summary : you are a classic nerd, he is a typical playboy. Both are poles apart staying under the same roof. How much complicated can your relationship get?

PART 1 PART 3

Warnings : 18+, SMUT, minors DNI, angst, fluff

Mini playlist :  What a man gotta do? and Close by Nick Jonas

It's been two weeks since your big fallout. Tom decided to skip classes and crash at the frat house for a few days. And you were thankful for that because to be honest you needed space.  

"Seriously guys am I living with pigs this house stinks." Tom complained picking up a dirty underwear of god knows whose from the couch and tossing it away. 

"Can't help it bro we don't have a full time maid to keep the house clean." Matt chuckled as he scrolled through his phone sitting on the other end of couch.

"What did you say?!" Tom growled and yanked him up on his feet by grabbing his collar.

"Whoa man calm down! I was just kidding." 

"Then next time choose your words wisely before you say anything about Y/N.” Tom gritted under his teeth. “Do you fucking understand?!" 

"Yeah man." he squeaked.

"Hey what's wrong mate?" Harrison came running to stop them. Tom lets go of Matt as he collapsed on the couch.

"Nothing I think I can't stay here anymore better go back to a more civilized house." Tom muttered stalking off to his room.

"You are really thinking of going back?" Harrison raised his brows in surprise.

"I pay half of the rent that’s my house too. Also I need to talk to her and sort things out."

You were busy in the kitchen making yourself a cup of coffee as you poured in the milk and took a spoonful sugar. While you stirred the coffee you began to wonder what if Tom returns? How are you going to handle yourself? You still couldn’t bring yourself to forgive him.

And speaking of the devil you heard the door unlock and your breath hitched knowing that only one person has the spare key to your apartment. You turned around, to see that ridiculously handsome face with a mop of chestnut brown curls gazing at you with his hazel brown eyes timidly. You dropped the spoon inside the mug with a clattering sound.  

"Hey I’m back." He said sheepishly as you looked at him with a blank expression. Wordlessly you grabbed your coffee mug and went back to your room completely ignoring him. 

Tom sighed hanging his head low in defeat knowing it’s going to be tough for him to win your trust again. The whole day you spent cooped up in your room, though you heard Tom knock at your door at night he had come to call you for dinner but you decided not to answer.

Next day in the morning as you were getting ready for college Tom slipped a note below the slit of your door. You picked up the note to see a sad face drawn on it and I’m sorry written on it. You found it really cute and were almost about to smile but then you shook yourself out of those thoughts. No, you were not going to forgive him this time, not so easily. You slid the paper out of your room through the slit of the door. Tom let out a sigh and went away. 

Later in the day you were in the library doing what you are best at, studying when Josh came up to you. 

''Hey." You looked up to him. 

"Hi"

"Can I sit?"

"Yeah sure." 

Josh sat across the table as you resumed your work. "Listen I’m sorry." 

You sighed and you stopped writing. "I have been listening to a lot of them lately. What for are you sorry?" 

"I know I’m the reason behind you and Tom are not on speaking terms anymore." 

"That’s ok you did the right thing by telling me the truth. And anyways we didn't have anything between us so don't feel guilty of breaking a non existent relationship." saying that you turned your attention to the problem you were solving. 

"Ray optics?" Josh asked. 

"Yeah" you blew out your cheeks exhausted. 

"You are doing it wrong, may I?" 

"Yeah sure." You furrowed your eyebrows as he took your notebook and began to scribble on it.

"It will be like this." he showed you the solved equation.

"Thanks” you were genuinely amused. “I have been stuck with this problem for like hours but how do you?" 

"Physics is my elective." He smiled. 

"Never saw you in class."

"You know being in the frat." he rubbed the back of his neck shyly.

"Oh yeah, yeah I know reputation, the bad boys." you chuckled, waving your hand.

"So if you don't mind, would you like to grab a coffee sometime?" he asked nervously. 

"Yeah why not." You chatted with him for a while. For the first time in weeks you were finally feeling a little bit normal. 

You came back to an untidy house, clothes scattered here and there, leftovers from yesterday and empty beer bottles on the table. An obvious reminder that Tom is back and your life is miserable again. Out of habit you went to pick up his clothes and put it for laundry but immediately backed off. No you're not falling for this again. If he's really sorry then he needs to learn a lesson the hard way.

Tom returned home to see all his things still scattered around the house. He huffed perfectly understanding that this is your way of punishing him but he ain't gonna give up either. He picked all of his clothes and put them in the washing machine then threw the trash out. 

Later on after sometime you went down to do your laundry. And you were quite pleased to find that Tom had cleaned up all the mess and even put his clothes for a wash. You went to check if the clothes were washed or not and one look inside the washing machine you instantly knew about the apocalypse that’s going to come down on the house very soon. Without a word you retreated back to your room. And after sometime as you had expected you heard Tom curse out loudly. 

"What the fuck!!!" He was holding his favorite t-shirt which was now completely ruined and the color faded out. He forgot to separate the whites as the color from the t-shirt got on them too and now all of them were ruined including his favorite one. You were enjoying the whole thing sitting in your room smiling to yourself. 

****

"Hey what the hell happened?" Harrison asked next day looking at Tom’s shirt as he tried his best to not to laugh at his best friend.

"Don't ask." Tom grimaced. 

"Okay."

"This is outrageous!" Tom exclaimed. 

"Here we go.." Harrison snickered.

"No Harrison I can't take this anymore it's been one month, fucking one month!! and she still won't talk to me! I know what I did was wrong, I should have at least told her about it and she has all the right to stay angry but I have apologized to her like a thousand times but still she won't say a word to me. To please her I didn't even bring home any girl for the past one month can you believe it one month without sex?!" he ranted. 

"Stop being so whiny it's just a few more months and then we all will go on our own ways. Why care if one girl talks to you or not?" Harrison scowled. 

"No Harrison, I care."

"Why because your favorite shirt got ruined?" Harrison chuckled. 

"No, not just for doing my laundry I just miss the old Y/N with whom I used to talk my heart out. I mean she was my best friend." Harrison arched his brow skeptically. Tom rolled his eyes. 

"You guys are way too judgy." 

"Ouch." Harrison placed a hand on his chest pretending to be hurt. "Hey wait isn’t her birthday tomorrow? Maybe do something that will make her smile and forgive you.”

"Yeah right I totally forgot about that, thanks bro." 

"Always anything for my best mate." Harrison shrugged. Tom got the reference as he smiled, shaking his head sideways. 

****

What a man gotta do playing......

Caught my heart about one, two times Don't need to question the reason I'm yours, I'm yours I'd move the earth or lose a fight just to see you smile 'Cause you got no flaws, no flaws

You were forced awake from your sleep at the loud music. 

"Tom for god's sake it's just seven in the morning!!" You yelled from your room and turned on your bed covering your ears with your pillow groaning.

I'm not tryna be your part time lover Sign me up for that full time, I'm yours, all yours So what a man gotta do? What a man gotta do? To be totally locked up by you What a man gotta say? What a man gotta pray? To be your last "Goodnight" and your first "Good day"

You huffed and got out of your bed twisting your hair into a messy bun. You opened the door fuming but were met with colorful balloons scattered on the floor. You were slightly taken aback as you carefully walked through them and down the stairs to see the house decorated. You had completely forgotten that today is your birthday. 

So what a man gotta do? What a man gotta do? To be totally locked up by you What a man gotta do? What a man gotta prove? To be totally locked up by you

Tom got down on his knee offering you a bouquet of roses as he mouthed to you "sorry" giving you those puppy eyes.

You ain't tryna be wasting time On stupid people in cheap lines, I'm sure, I'm sure So I'd give a million dollars just for you to grab me by the collar And I'll come build us, build us

You shook your head totally unimpressed and walked to the bathroom to freshen up. Tom followed you like a puppy so you slammed the bathroom door on his face frowning. 

I'm not tryna be your part-time lover Sign me up for that full-time I'm yours, I'm yours So what a man gotta do? What a man gotta do? To be totally locked up by you What a man gotta say? What a man gotta pray? To be your last "Goodnight" and your first "Good day"

You stepped out of the bathroom to find Tom standing by the door making a sad face. You went to the kitchen ignoring him to make breakfast. You propped up on your toes to take out the flour bag from the cabinet. 

So what a man gotta do? What a man gotta do? To be totally locked up by you What a man gotta do? What a man gotta prove? To be totally locked up by you

Tom went to get the flour bag for you and accidentally the whole bag tumbled over him covering him with white powder. You couldn't keep up your tough act any more as you burst out into laughter, Tom smiled awkwardly slightly coughing and wheezing. You finally softened as you grabbed a hand towel and went to wipe his face gently smiling. 

"I'm sorry Y/N. I'm really sorry" he apologized, taking your hands in his. 

"Well you are trying so hard maybe I’ll give you another chance." 

"Thank you so much Y/N." he kissed the top of your knuckles and the gentle touch of his wet lips sent an unusual shiver down your spine. "And a very happy birthday, darling."

"Thank you Thomas." you sounded slightly breathless.

"So if all is good between us can you look into the matter of my ruined shirt." You scrunch your nose shaking your head dismissively telling him nothing can be done about it. He hung his head in remorse and turned to leave. 

"Tom?" you called him back. 

"Yeah love?" he looked at you intently. 

"Clean the house." You ordered with a serious face. 

''Oh yeah, sure will do ma’am." He stuttered. 

****

Tom was finally feeling relaxed and happy. It's been a month he got to see your heartwarming smile, finally he got you back but little did he know that a certain intrusion has occurred in your life in this one month. In the evening Tom brought in some takeout and a cake for you as he heard giggles and laughter from your room so he went to your room to check. 

"Hey Y/N" he opened the door to find Josh sprawled out on your bed while you were sitting with a book in your hand laughing about something. 

"Oh hey Josh what are you doing here man?" He asked with an icy glare.

"Uh Josh and I are just studying together. Did you guys know he has physics as elective? I mean he is a literal genius." you said.

"Not like you." Josh blushed.

"Did you need something?" 

"Not actually but since today is your birthday I was hoping that we were going to have a little celebration but you seem busy."

"What? today is your birthday?!" 

"Yeah" you shrugged. 

"Well happy birthday sweetheart" 

"Thank you" you blushed whereas Tom was fuming from inside with his plans being interrupted as now Josh joined you for the mini celebration Tom had planned. 

Though it was just the beginning as Tom slowly started to understand how much Josh has become a part of your life. After your reconciliation Tom expected you to be sitting with them at the back but you literally ditched him to sit with Josh. Josh has been saving you a seat in the front for the past few weeks. It was becoming intolerable for Tom to see you laughing and spending time with Josh. He could clearly understand that Josh was trying to woo you. This other day Tom was relaxing on the couch watching a movie as you breezed past him grabbing your purse.

"Hey it's movie night where are you going?" Tom frowned.

"Umm sorry I forgot to tell you I'm going out for a movie with Josh." Tom felt his heart clench for an unknown reason, a twang of jealousy creeping in.

"So you and Josh are a thing now?”

"Umm no but I kinda like him though.” you said tucking a lock of your hair behind your ear. “He seems to be a nice guy.'' 

"Well my dear every guy seems to appear nice when he’s trying to hit a homerun." Tom didn’t want to sound mean but the picture of you with Josh brought a sour taste in his mouth.

"Are you talking about yourself?" you retorted.

"I know what I’m as well as I know Josh more than you do. I’m just watching your back." he said softly.

''Listen Tom.” you sighed “We just sorted out our misunderstandings and I don't want to go into another argument with you. I'm a big girl, I know what I'm doing."

"But still be careful"

"Okay mom. See you later."

****

Tom was in the frat house with Harrison playing video games in the living room. He was ferociously pressing the buttons of the controller taking out his frustration on it. 

Harrison noticed that. "What happened Mr. grumpy Holland?" 

Tom sighed putting down the controller. "Did you know that Josh and Y/N are a thing?" 

"What? Really?" 

"Yeah apparently both of them bonded over some stupid physics problems." Tom rolled his eyes. "Moreover Y/N thinks he is a nice person but he was the actual reason behind us not talking for a month."

"It's her life she can choose whomever she wants to date." Harrison pointed out.

"No she can't!" Tom burst out and Harrison looked at him questioningly.

"I mean not that weaner Josh." he clarified. "See the only thing I know is that I want my Y/N back with whom I used to sing, dance, laugh my heart out, and had movie nights."

''You guys used to live like this?" Harrison made a face.

"Yes but that's not the point. The point is that Josh is stealing all those moments from me."

"No, no Tom are you even listening to yourself? You just sound like a typical jealous boyfriend. Wait a minute.” Harrison narrowed his eyes, before widening them on the realization. "You love her mate!" He exclaimed.

"That absolute bollocks! I don't love her!" Tom denied.

"Yes you do. That is why it's bothering you so much." Harrison started laughing seeing his misery.

"Haz mate have you gone insane? The last thing Tom Holland will do is fall in love." 

"Whatever you say dude” Harrison patted his shoulder still laughing. “you are technically screwed.”

Harrison’s words made Tom ponder for a while about the possibility of him in love with you before he went into his denial. Why would he, Tom Holland fall in love with a nerd like you when there are thousands of hot girls waiting for him in line. And why would he settle for one when he can have someone new every night on his bed. Love, relationships were never his thing. He is better of with no strings attached. However the last blow came a few days later which made him rethink about his true feelings for you. 

****

Tom was sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone when you came up to him shuffling on your feet.

"Hey how do I look?" you asked coyly.

"As usual, nerdy." He said nonchalantly without lifting his eyes off his phone.

"Tom you didn't even look at me." you whined.

"What's so special about your worn out sweatshirts and jeans.." His words got lost as his eyes went to you. He rarely saw you dress up but when you do you surely know how to take people's breath away. Like exactly the way Tom felt air knocked out of his lungs as he scanned you from top to bottom. You looked ethereal. Your hair which used to be always messy and tied up is let loose freely flowing cascading down your shoulders. He always knew you had beautiful eyes but today the eyeliner makes them stand out even more. Those red tinted lips looked so soft, supple and tempting. He wished of what it would feel to kiss them, to be marked up by those lips or even better to have those wrapped around him. Did he mention the red dress you chose to wear tonight? It  perfectly hugged your curves, it was taking all of him to not to take you then and there. 

"Tom?" you called out shaking him from the inappropriate thoughts he was having. 

"Wow you...you look beautiful, love." 

"Thank you." You blushed, tucking your hair behind your ear. 

"So what's the occasion?" 

"Umm actually Josh asked me out." his heart sank into his stomach hearing that. 

"For a date?" 

"Yeah sort of we are taking things slow for now." Tom’s jaw clenched further at your answer. "You think he will like this?" you asked nervously. His face softens as he stands up and cupped your face gently.

"Hey never dress up to please someone you understand? If you feel beautiful then don’t give a fuck to what other’s think just be yourself." tom said, looking firmly into your eyes, wishing if he could show you how beautiful you are. 

"Okay thanks for the pep talk, I should get going." you chirped. 

"Yeah have a great night, love." 

You left and at that very moment Tom knew that he was fucked. He collapsed on the couch as he ran his fingers through his hair frustrated. He hates to admit but Harrison was right he has fallen for you. He was restless and clueless at the same time about what to do with his newfound feelings for you. 

Next day during class the first thing Tom did was confess to Harrison. 

"I love her." 

"Come again." Harrison thought he might have heard wrong.

"I'm in love with Y/N, Haz."

"Bloody hell! I can't believe that the playboy fell hard for a nerd." Harrison chuckled.

"Yeah very funny can you keep it down." he hissed. 

"Dude what are you gonna do now?" Harrison whispered.

"I don't know but I can't tolerate that Josh around her." he muttered.

"So then go and tell her what you feel. You said they are still not in a serious relationship."

"But what if she says no I'm really scared."

"Rejecting Tom Holland?"

"Well it's Y/N we are talking about Harrison she already rejected me once if I have to remind you."

“Yeah right.” Harrison agreed.

You on the other hand were in quite a happy place in life right now with a potential chance of finally having a successful love life and completely oblivious about your playboy roommate in love with you. However the universe had other things planned for you. Your phone lit up with a message you went to check and instantly all your happiness faded away. 

You sighed gripping onto your phone tightly in anger. Maybe you were meant to be alone was the only thought spiraling inside your head as you stride away to the kitchen and frantically searched the cabinets for something to drink away your sorrow. You needed something strong and your eyes went to the whisky bottles Tom used to keep for him. You took one bottle and drank from it. Tom returned home later in the evening to find you splayed across the couch. 

"Y/N you okay?" He walked up to you. 

"Oh hey Tom!" Your voice was uncharacteristically high pitched. Tom noticed the empty whisky bottle on the table and frowned picking it up.

"Y/N seriously? What were you thinking?" He scolded.

"What was I thinking?” you slurred. "Exactly! what was I thinking when I thought to date that asshole Josh."

"Hey what happened talk to me." He sat beside you wrapping his arms around your shoulders.

"Like what kind of coward breaks up with you over a message. Sorry Y/N we can't do this anymore it was a mistake." You mimicked his voice. "Like what are we in high-school?! Uggh!! I just feel like an idiot." you groaned.

"I can't believe I would let myself into this...I mean whyy?? To get hurt? Again?" you ranted.

"No, because you are a really good person and care for the feelings of others." Tom said soothingly as he brushed your hair out of your face.

"But you are not like that, you do whatever you want with no attachments at all." You gaze into his eyes and slowly lean towards him in your drunken state too far gone away to think straight, puckering your lips to kiss him. Tom leans back on the couch trying to dodge your advances on him as you chase his lips. 

"What's happening?" You blinked and sat back with a frown. 

"Umm seems like I'm saying no." Tom said awkwardly. 

"But you have been trying to get me into bed since day one. Why are you saying no?" You pouted out your bottom lip.

"Well my dear I am actually surprised too. Usually I would dive into it given a chance." He quipped. You blinked a few more times before your conscience hit you. 

"God what am I doing?" You groaned holding your head. "Why am I drunk and throwing myself at you? This is so not me." 

"Well happens to the best of us sometimes." 

"You know what I was right you men are the biggest disappointment in my life." Tom rubbed your shoulders comfortingly, suddenly you felt nauseous and ran to the toilet covering your mouth with your hand. You collapsed on the cool marble floor spilling your guts out in the toilet. 

Tom was just behind you as he bunched up your hair making a makeshift ponytail with his hand, another hand rubbing your back gently. "There, there it's gonna be fine."

"You done?" You nodded, face all red and flushed out. Tom helped you get up on your feet and took you near the basin. He made you rinse your mouth first then soaked a washcloth in cool water and rubbed it all over your face. 

"C'mon champ let's get you to bed." He lifted you in his arms and carried you to your room. He pulled the blanket over you and dimmed the lights. He was leaving and he accidentally bumped into your desk hurling everything down from the table. 

"Shit!" He hurriedly crouched down to pick up your stuff. He placed them all one by one on the desk when his eyes went to a diary. He never knew that you used to keep a journal. He was really tempted to read it but put it away and left to return back because he couldn't control his curiosity. He turned the pages one by one as he read

Dear diary

Today I met the most arrogant, irritating guy I have ever seen in my life, I felt like punching his perfect little face. 

A smile crept up his face on the way you had described him when you first met him. He continued reading further.

Guess what the man whom I dreaded the most I have to spend my life's next two years with him under the same roof. I’m doomed. 

It was about the day when he came to live with you. He continued to turn the pages to find that you had stopped writing after a certain time before he stumbled on a written page after a lot of blank pages. It was written after the night of the Halloween party.

Dear diary

It's been a long time, a really long time but I had to write this down. Never in my life I would have thought that I would say this but I love him. You may think I'm crazy but after we kissed yesterday it felt different, I felt different. He came into my life like a whirlwind and I got carried away with him. He consumes me, life is unpredictable when he's around and I love the unpredictability. He is not the perfect man of my dreams but he's all I want. I know he doesn't feel the same way for me because commitment, relationships are the things he dreads the most. But after a lot of pondering I have finally decided to tell him what I feel for him. I'm assuming he will say no I mean what chance do I have anyways I’m a really boring, clumsy person, a nerd not half as beautiful as other girls out there. But I guess I'll take my chances. At least I'll have nothing to regret in future with this weight lifted off my chest. Wish me luck.

Tom slammed the diary shirt exhaling deeply his hands were sweaty as he felt his chest tighten to the point where it was hard for him to breathe. You were in love with him all this time and he being an idiot broke your heart before you could have told him. He glanced at your sleeping figure so peaceful and relaxed. He just wanted to lay down beside you, wrap you in his arms and tell you how much he loves you. With one last longing look he left your room determined to tell you the truth very soon.

****

Next day during class you finally walked back to your original spot at the backbenches as you took your seat in front of Tom. Tom couldn’t be any happier.

"Welcome back love, the backbenchers missed you."

"So did I." You chirped when your eyes went to Josh though you shouldn’t be concerned anymore about him but his broken nose made you a little concerned. "Is that Josh? What happened to him?" 

"You know drunkards and stairs don't go hand in hand." Tom said casually.

"Oh my god is he okay?" 

"Yeah he'll be fine don’t worry, moreover he kind of deserved it for hurting you.”

After the official closing of the Josh chapter in your life. Your lives were back to the normal routine you were used to. You were sitting on the couch watching some teen romance movie when Tom suddenly laid down resting his head on your lap. You were taken aback as he never did that before.

"You okay?" You asked with concern.

“Yeah just feeling a little down.” He sighed before continuing.

"I'm not a fleeting type of guy Y/N." He said out of nowhere, you looked at him puzzled.

"Okay…" you said unable to figure out where the conversation was heading.

"I wasn't always like this. You know I once was head over heels over this girl and everyone warned me that she's just around me for my money but I  didn’t listen and one day she did eventually cheat on me. I was so devastated that I lost all my faith in the whole idea of love."

"That’s sad but why are you telling this to me?"

"Don't know” he shrugged. “you just always listen to my shit so patiently and aren't judgy. I really want to fall in love again but I'm scared you know." you subconsciously started brushing his hair.

"Hey don’t get so upset. When the right time will come you will find your love." 

"What if I have already found her?" 

"Then man up and tell her. Put your seduction skills to good use." You chuckled.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah sure.”

"What is love for you Y/N?" 

"For me?" you paused to think before answering. "Well love for me isn't about grand gestures or expensive gifts it's all about those small little things we do for the person you love to see that beautiful smile on their face which makes your day, dancing and singing to their favorite songs, staying cuddled up all night listening to each other's heart beat as we fall asleep. When you are with them you forget about all your worries."

Tom had got his answer as he called up Harrison that night.

"I’m gonna tell her."

"What! Are you serious?"

"Yes Harrison, knowing that she has or had feelings for me I’ll take my chances."

"Well then good luck mate."

*****

You were out for a while which gave Tom the time to make preparations for the grand proposal he was planning where he will be telling you about how he feels for you. When you returned you caught a whiff of your favorite scented candles looming in the air. You walked towards the kitchen to find the table well decorated with candles and a bottle of wine kept in an ice bucket while Tom was busy working in the kitchen.

"Oh who is this lucky one for whom you are going this extra mile?" you teased.

"She is right in front of me." 

"What?! You're kidding right?" you said with an unimpressed look on your face.

"Nope this is all for you." 

"I’m not allowing another party how much ever you give me those puppy eyes." You said sternly.

"I don’t want anything from you Y/N, it’s just a formal making it up to you dinner for hurting my favorite girl."

"C'mon sit down.'' he pulled out a chair for you, you sat looking at him skeptically. He  served you the food before helping himself. This is the first time you are eating something made by him and you were quite impressed with his cooking skills. 

"Mmmm this is good what other talents have you been hiding." You said taking a sip of your wine. You finished your dinner as Tom turns on the music and gets up stretching his hand to you for a dance. 

Close starts playing..........

Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn I'm so perplexed With just one breath, I'm locked in Oh damn, oh damn, oh damn I'm so perplexed On that, it's almost shocking

"C’mon". He urged, you smiled furrowing your eyebrows 

"Please" you gave in and held on to his hand, he pulled you closer to him. His hand resting on your waist as you swayed to the music holding on to his shoulder. After a few minutes of dancing silently Tom finally gathered all his courage and confessed to you.

"I love you Y/N" He said softly.

"Ha ha nice joke Tom." 

"No I mean it Y/N. I'm truly, deeply, madly in love with you.'' 

"You're lying"

I know, I know you know you're scared Your heart, your mind, your soul, your body They won't, they won't, they won't be careful But I guess that you don't know me 'Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space 'Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too Close, oh

"Look into my eyes Y/N do you think they are lying?" you looked into his warm honey brown eyes. There was something different in them, something you have never seen before but you don’t want to know what it is. You remember how you wanted to tell him that you loved him which you still do but it didn’t end up well. And you still wanted to believe those eyes but something inside you is scared and doesn’t want to.

"I don’t know what game you are trying to play but I'm done Tom." you pulled away facing your back to him putting some space between you. He stepped closer gliding his hands down your arms making you shudder as you felt his hot breath fanning your neck. 

Oh, so close, oh I want you close, ooh 'Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, oh Oh, so close, oh I want you close, ooh Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no

"I know you are attracted to me Y/N you can’t hide that." His voice was low and seductive.

You forced out a laugh. “I’m totally not attracted to you.”

“You’re lying.”

“And you’re overconfident.” you inhaled, but all you smelled was him, and that did funny things to your stomach. 

“Every time you lie, your cheeks turn red.” he turned you around. 

Oh man, oh man I am not really known for ever being speechless But now, but now somehow My words roll off my tongue right onto your lips, oh I'm keeping cool while you keep smiling Saying all the things I'm thinking

"Nuh-uh." Not the most eloquent thing you have ever said, but it was the best you could come up with.

“I bet you think about me all the time. Nonstop.” His gaze lowered to your mouth. You laughed. 

“In your dreams, Tom. You’re the last person I think—” 

He caught you off guard grabbing you by the waist, pulling you up close against his chest. His hand gently glided through your hair as he kissed you. You began to melt instantly the warmth of his mouth holding a promise for something more but then he broke the kiss sooner to your liking.

"Does this remind you of something? About that night?" his rasped.

Oh man, oh man I am like you so I want proof of what you're feeling 'Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space 'Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too Close, oh

"The night we kissed there was something different and I know you felt that too."

Your eyes were candles that night, their light a spark of passion... desire, goosebumps lined your skin, not the kind that one gets in the cold, but the kind one gets when nothing else matters except right here, right now. His eyes kept staring deep into your soul as you felt exposed under his gaze.

"I know you love me, Y/N. You want me, you need me just like I do."

"Stop it Tom." You looked away to avoid his gaze but he pulled you closer and you can feel your resolve breaking already.

"And if you love me you'll kiss me." 

Heat settled in the pit of your stomach at his deep baritone. "Stop." You closed your eyes trying to resist your feelings. 

"Kiss me Y/N" 

"Kiss me please" this time he literally begged.

And the next thing you knew, you had crashed your lips to his nearly knocking all wind from his lungs. He hardly had a moment to react as he felt your warm mouth on his. He was quick to take control as he pressed his tongue to the seam of your lips and you grant him access to delve inside your mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of wine being exchanged in the intermingling of your billowing breaths. Your grip on his shirt grew tighter. You could nearly feel the slight burn of the wine as it rolled off your tongue and seeped down your throat with every push of his tongue against yours. 

Oh, so close, oh I want you close, oh (yeah baby) 'Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, oh Oh, so close, ooh I want you close, ooh Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no 'Cause if I want you, and I want you, babe Ain't going backwards, won't ask for space

You started pushing him backwards towards the couch unbuttoning his shirt. His legs hit the couch as he stumbled on it with you over him. You practically ripped his shirt open as you got up to straddle him. His hands went underneath your sweatshirt trailing up your back unhooking your bra. You took off your sweatshirt along with your bra and threw it away grinding on him.

"So pretty" he murmured, leaning down to pull a nipple into his mouth. You moaned, threading your fingers in his soft curls. Your head dropped in the crook of his neck gently kissing, nibbling and licking his sweet spot eliciting soft moans from him in return.

'Cause space was just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get close, oh Oh, so close, oh I want you close, oh Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no Yeah baby (close oh) Tell me baby what you want (Close, oh) Oh, I want you close, and close ain't close enough, no

You couldn’t get enough of each other as you desperately kissed. You kept grinding your hips on his crotch as you felt his bulge grow. His hands slid down from your waist to your ass giving it a squeeze. You broke the kiss to get some air. 

"Bedroom?" He proposed gasping for air. You nodded breathlessly with hooded eyes. He picked you up by your hips and your legs wrapped around him. Your lips reconnected messily as he carried you to the bedroom. 

Your back hit the soft mattress as he gently laid you on your bed. You shuffled back on the pillows as he climbs on top of you capturing your lips deepening the kiss. He bit down your lower lip, trailing his lips down your neck and continues to go downwards leaving butterfly kisses along the way. He stops at your waist as he glances up at you for once before unbuttoning your jeans. You whimpered quietly lifting your hips up as he pulls down your jeans along with your panties. He looks down at your soaking core with a smirk.

"Did I make that wet baby?" 

"Mmhmm" you whined, squirming underneath him closing your eyes. He spreads your legs a bit, kissing your inner thighs before he finally gave a lick up your slick folds. 

"Oh god" you sighed and bit your lip jerking your hips up.

"Hmm fuck baby you taste so good" he swirls his tongue to explore more of your pussy. He moans into your pussy. You bite back your moans running your hand into his hair 

"Fuckk Tom.. mmh feels so good." He licked your clit teasingly before sucking it gently.

"Ah.. so good." You groaned, tugging on to his hair as you tilt your head back panting lightly.

"Hmm you gonna cum for me love?" You moaned, pressing his mouth to clit. He lets out a low growl and gets a little rougher toying with your clit your back bowed up from the mattress. He slipped his tongue inside your pussy and starts to push in and out gently. Your moans grew louder 

"Tomm.. please please.." 

"Hmmm please what baby? you gotta cum first if you want my cock." He slid a finger pumping in and out of you. You groaned, shutting your eyes. 

"Eyes on me darling." He commands adding another finger. You forced open your eyes as you felt your body tense up.

"fuck.. mhm" you grinded your hips desperately feeling a tight knot grow in your stomach. He curled his fingers hitting all the right spots inside you. Your legs trembled as your legs closes at the immense pleasure but Tom held out your legs firmly. You reached your high as Tom worked you out through it lapping all of your juices.

''Hmm thats my girl." he grinned, mouth glistening with your arousal.

He gets up to pull down his jeans and boxers fishing out a condom from his pocket before throwing them away. He was about to tear the packet. When you  sit up motioning him with your hand to give the packet. 

"Can I?" He smirked handing it over to you. 

You ran your fingers on his muscular chest bringing your mouth close placing wet kisses on his abdomen dragging your lips slowly down to his throbbing length. You wrapped your hand at the base of his shaft and gave a lick to it which made him shudder. He immediately grabbed your wrist.

"Darling not today. I need to be inside you right now." You gave a mischievous look and tore the foil with your teeth as you placed a light kiss to his leaking tip before giving a kitten lick and rolling the condom down his length.

"You’re such a fucking tease." 

"Thought you’d like it." You said with doe eyes.

"Don’t tap that side of me darling if you don’t want your brains fucked out." He warned.

"Maybe I would like to have my brains fucked out." You gave a sly smirk. His eyes darkened as he pushed you down to the mattress you squeaked a little as he pinned your wrists beside your head.

"Your wish my command darling but you don’t get to complain later." 

He lines himself to your entrance slightly teasing your wet folds before slowly and carefully pushing in as you whimpered.

"Shit! so tight" Tom grunted sliding himself inside you. You inhaled sharply as you felt your walls stretch. Your mouth slacked open in a silent scream as he filled you up.

"You good?" His soft brown eyes gazing into yours.

"Need a minute, it’s been a long time." You said breathlessly.

"Yeah me too more than one month for me." You rolled your eyes as he chuckled.

"You can move now.'' You whispered into his ears. He placed a soft kiss on your forehead before drawing back his hip and thrusting inside you again. He started with a slow pace. Long drawn thrusts going deep reaching spots inside you that you never knew of. 

“You feel so good wrapped around me, love.” He carried on with his agonizingly slow pace intentionally teasing you as you desperately writhed under him for some release.

"I thought you were going to fuck my brains out." You quipped.

"Nah changed my mind" He shrugged slowing down grinning wickedly and you let out a whine in protest.

"What happened babygirl? You want it hard huh?" 

"Yes Tommy please…" you whined. He felt himself twitch inside you at hearing the pet name from your mouth. 

"You just needed to ask my naughty little nerd." He pulled out with just the tip inside you before slamming himself right back in, burying himself deeper inside you. You gasped, hands slipping on to his back pulling him to you as close as possible.

"Oh my god! Tom yess! Right there." He kept on with the punishing pace repeatedly hitting your g spot. You felt your orgasm build up as you grabbed on to him for your dear life, nails digging into the skin of his back which are surely to leave marks he hissed at the sweet pain grunting.

"You close?" Tom’s voice husky as he pounded into you relentlessly making you clench around him. 

"So close." you breathed out. His hand slipped between your bodies to draw tight circles on your clit tethering you close to the edge.

"Cum for me love." Your body spasmed as your orgasm washed over you. His movements grew sloppier as he reached his own high. Tom collapsed on top of you panting face buried in the crook of your neck. You remained like that for some time catching your breath soaking in the ecstatic feeling surrounded by the warmth of his body. 

"I love you." He mumbled into your skin.

"I love you too." You whispered, running your fingers through his sweaty hair.

Well your story didn't start on a good note neither you have any idea how it 's gonna end. In the heat of the moment you gave in to your temptation but now you realize you had a lot to talk about and make things clear but now is not the good time you both thought. This felt good, this felt nice and you want to hold on to this moment for a little longer. 

****

You woke up next morning to an empty bed which made you wonder for a moment that whatever happened last night was just a dream but when you noticed the oversized shirt of Tom on you a smile crept up your face. You got up and went downstairs and were surprised to see Tom had tidied up the house and you smelled freshly cooked pancakes which made your mouth water.

"If I had to have sex with you to make you share the household chores you could have told me earlier" you quipped as Tom worked in the kitchen.

"Don't get used to it." He handed you your morning coffee.

"Thank you." 

"By the way good morning darling, sleep well?."  He pulled you closer, you hummed as he lazily leaned to kiss you. 

"Who are you? You're not the Tom Holland I know, morning kisses aren’t his thing." you ask, cradling his face. You saw his face drop. 

"Hey I was just joking, I'm sorry if it hurt you." 

"Hey no, no it's not that. It's-it's Y/N I just feel like I don't deserve you."

"Hey why do you think like that?”

"I know I’m not the perfect guy you dreamed of but nevertheless you have accepted me as who I'm and I want to live up to your expectations and be the perfect boyfriend for you. I want to commit to this relationship, with you. I hurt you before and I know every relationship is based on trust so....” He rambled.

“Hey it’s okay” you say softly.

“No Y/N you need to know something about Josh.”

"That you forced Josh to write that text to me after you caught him with his ex and as well as broke his nose." 

"You know about that?” He looked at you wide eyed.

"Yeah you know, perks of being a nerd, always curious. Heh. I wasn't satisfied with that stupid text I needed a proper closure so we had a little chat. He said he was sorry and he still has feelings for his ex and how much you love me that you ended up punching him right at his face."

"And you are not mad at all" 

"No why would I? You were just looking out for me and to be honest I myself didn’t feel that the relationship was going anywhere. But you shouldn't have broken his nose."

"That fucker deserved it." Tom grimaced. 

"Listen you don’t need to stress yourself out to become the best boyfriend in the world just because we had sex then I also have to try to do the same thing of being the perfect girlfriend which I myself am not comfortable with the whole idea right now. So for the time being let’s take things slow and enjoy our time." 

“Hmm.. by the way did anyone tell you how much hot you look in just my shirt?”

“Well my roomie told me once.” You looked at him mischievously as you dipped your fingers in the whipped cream kept in the bowl on the kitchen counter and smeared it on his neck. You went to lick on the cream sucking on the spot making Tom shudder as his grip tightened on your waist. 

"God you will be the death of me." He gasped. You pulled away immediately after licking it clean.

"I think I'm gonna go and have a shower" You said and turned to leave.

"Okay" He said as you spun on your heels to look at him again.

"And you are joining me in five minutes." You ordered.

"Even better. I’ll be there." He nodded, a smirk growing on his face.

Later in the day at college you were walking with Susie through the hallway when Tom came running and laced his fingers with yours.

"What are you doing?" You whispered surprised. 

"Taking things slow." He gave a subtle wink making you smile as you went for a kiss. Susie gaped at you both in surprise.

"Oh my god! You guys.. Are you?" You two exchanged glances breaking into a smile and turned to her. 

"Umm.. it's Complicated.."

.........................................................................

Taglist: @jeyramarie  @hollanddolanfangirl @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming @thenoddingbunny-blog @theprivatewritings @obliviatevamps @lord-marvel-potter @sarcasticallywitty15 @starcoadrienette2 @lola-bunny-00 @actual-queen-of-hell @whosroselyn @maraudersandco​  @adriannajackson​ @minejungwoo​ @caitsymichelle13​ @hommyy-tommy​ 

[lesbianrobin]

What do you think are the good and bad aspects of each season of ST?

ok 1. thank u for this question omg and 2. this answer may or may not be a mess, but either way it’s long (almost 7k words lmao) bc i’m insane, which is why it’s under a cut. it’s still by no means an exhaustive list but these are the things that just kinda came to mind.

also i realize you asked “good and bad” and i wrote this whole post as “strengths and weaknesses” which um. is not Exactly what you asked. but close enough <3 i also ended up including a lot of au ideas ksjdckmn bc like i personally hate when people say a certain plot or whatever was bad without suggesting anything that could have improved it yknow so whenever possible i tried to provide Some idea for fixing the issues i had with the show!!

season 1

strengths (this is probably gonna be the longest section but that’s because a lot of these strengths also apply to s2/s3 by default)

nostalgia and authenticity

this one’s pretty simple, but i think that season one did a good job of blending classic eighties media homages (such as the many many e.t./el parallels) with explicit pop culture references (such as mike’s yoda impression, mentions of the x-men, etc) to create a show that’s essentially dripping in early eighties nostalgia without it feeling too forced. before st, i think the most popular depiction of the eighties in mainstream media was that overly exaggerated neon scrunchie aesthetic from the mid to late eighties, and it was usually done in a comedic sense first and foremost. st took a different approach, instead focusing on the early eighties, a time that’s often ignored in favor of going either Full Seventies or Full Eighties, and i think that this choice likely resonated with adults who lived through the eighties and hadn’t yet seen something that felt quite so accurate to their own adolescence. a lot of young people who watched st were totally unfamiliar with this period of time, unfamiliar with books/movies like “stand by me” that st borrows from heavily, and i think st lent more seriousness to the eighties than most young people had experienced so far, and this was refreshing and interesting!

the use of dnd in the show is also quite genius in a way i’m not sure i can articulate?? it isn’t something Everyone would have played at the time, but it’s something that existed within a different context back in the eighties than it does today, and it really lent a sort of authenticity to the naming of the show’s sci-fi elements. like, of course these kids would name parallel dimensions and monsters and superpowers after these similar things in their favorite game! it just feels so real and it grounds st in our reality moreso than you might expect from the typical sci-fi or horror universe.

utilization of existing tropes

almost every single character in st clearly originates from some popular trope. the plot itself is riddled with classic eighties movie tropes. almost every single element of stranger things can be clearly traced back to some iconic eighties film or just to, like, overused horror/sci-fi/mystery/coming-of-age movie tropes in general. this might sound like a bad thing, but it really works in st’s favor! starting off with familiar tropes gives st the ability to easily create a lot of complexity and make a big impact by selectively deviating from those familiar, comfortable tropes!! while el’s whole plot, hopper’s character, etc, are all examples of this in action, i think the steve/nancy/jonathan plot is the greatest example. even from the start, the fact that good girl barb dies while nancy is off having sex with her asshole boyfriend is an incredibly thorough inversion of the most well-known horror movie trope in the book. how often do girls in horror movies have sex for the first time, walk home alone in the dark of night, and live to tell the tale? nancy and jonathan’s dynamic at first glance is a sort of classic “good girl meets boy from the wrong side of the tracks, discovers he’s actually got a heart of gold” thing, but instead of following this well-trodden path, st diverged. nancy is brash, impulsive, and at times downright insensitive. jonathan is angry, bitter, and actually a bit of a creep at first. while they have the capacity to emotionally connect and support one another, they can also bring out each other’s darker side, which is not what we’ve come to expect from that initial tropey dynamic.

in addition, steve, the popular rich asshole boyfriend, is actually... a human being! unlike the cartoonishly evil jocks that we’ve come to expect (especially from eighties movies), steve has complexity. despite his initial immaturity and selfishness, he’s also kind to barb, he backs off when nancy says no, he’s gentle and sweet when they sleep together, his first big Dick Move of the season is in defense of nancy, he realizes the error of his ways after the fight and does what he can to fix it, he’s worried about nancy when he sees that she’s hurt at jonathan’s house, and to top it all off, he ends up saving both nancy and jonathan’s lives when he could have just walked away, and the three of them all work together to fight the demogorgon. like... steve began as the most stereotypical character of all time, and by the end of the season, he had one of the most compelling and unique arcs among the whole cast!

finally, at the very end of the season, instead of dumping steve for jonathan as expected, nancy ends up getting back together with steve, and they’re both on friendly terms with jonathan. i realize that i just kinda. summarized s1. but my POINT is that i don’t think the dynamics between the monster hunting trio would be nearly as fun and interesting had the characters of nancy, steve, and jonathan not been set up to follow certain paths that we already had charted in our own heads. like, within the first couple episodes of s1, it’s pretty obvious that nancy and steve are gonna break up, nancy will get with jonathan, and steve will either die or go full evil or just never be seen again. like, duh! you’ve seen this story a million times! you know that’s how it’s gonna go! so, when the story DOESN’T go that way, the impact of each character’s arc and the relationship dynamics become stronger due to their unexpected complexity and authenticity. 

distinct plotlines separated by age group

this one’s rather obvious, but the way that the adults in s1 were essentially in a conspiracy thriller while the teens were in a horror flick and the kids were in a sci fi power-of-friendship story and all three converged at the end... wow. brilliant showstopping etc. not only was it just really well done and unique, it also gave stranger things near-universal appeal. like, there’s genuinely something for pretty much everyone in season one!

casting

obviously this applies to every season sorta by default, but when i think about what made season one So successful, i always think about the cast, and not just winona ryder. yes, she’s absolutely amazing in the show and it’s very doubtful that st would be as big as it is today without her name being attached to it from the start!! however, i think the greatest determining factor in st’s success is the casting of the kids, particularly millie bobby brown. like... el is just absolutely incredible. she’s amazing. this has all been said many times before so i won’t harp on it, but millie and the other kids are all So talented and charismatic and i think their casting has been instrumental to the show’s success.

strong visuals

the way that multicolored christmas lights which have been around for decades are now kinda like. a Stranger Things thing. jesus christ. those lights are probably the biggest stroke of stylistic genius on the show.

atmosphere and setting

this is probably like. the least important one here for me sdjncdsc because i think s2 and s3 both had like Even Better atmospheres and shit but s1 was good too and it laid the groundwork!! i know a lot of people would have preferred st be set somewhere more Spooky with lots of fog or giant forests or whatnot, and while i do enjoy thinking about alternate st settings and how they might alter the vibe, i think hawkins indiana was a good choice. as the duffers have said, placing stranger things in a fictional town allows them more flexibility than if they’d gone with their original plan of using montauk, new york. besides that, i think the plainness and like... flatness... of small-town indiana just Works. like, the fact that hawkins is never really scary on the surface is a big part of the horror in the lab’s actions and their impact. hawkins isn’t somewhere that people just disappear all the time. it isn’t somewhere known for strange occurrences (prior to s1, that is). it isn’t somewhere shrouded in mist and secrecy. hawkins on its surface seems like the sort of place with no secrets and nothing to fear, and that’s the point! the lab is out in the open! it’s right there! everything is so close to the surface, yet so far out of the public eye, and i think that really works.

the byers family’s whole deal (specifically the joyce/jonathan dynamic)

this is going here bc i miss it so bad in s2 and s3. i’m not one of those people who believe The Byers Are The Whole Point of the show, because st is and always has been an ensemble, and el, hopper, and the wheelers are just as instrumental to the plot as the byers, but ANYWAY, i do think the byers were one of the most interesting aspects of s1. joyce’s difficulties with supporting her sons as a poor and (implied mentally ill) single mother, jonathan’s stress as a result of having to earn money, care for his brother, and keep the house in order when his mother is unable to do so, and the resulting tension between them when will’s disappearance and supposed “death” brings the situation to a tipping point? holy shit! it’s so good! that argument after they see will’s “body” is just incredible and gut-wrenching. their relationship feels so real and messy and i think it’s just... good. also winona ryder REALLY acted her heart out and she carried a lot of s1 which i think people often forget to mention so i’m saying it here.

weaknesses

pacing/timing

ok so pacing is probably going to go in each season’s weaknesses, to be honest, because i think they all had a blend of some good and some bad pacing. good pacing is invisible pacing, though, so i probably won’t be putting it in any of the strengths sections and will only be focusing on it in the weaknesses. i’m also probably not going to talk about weird day/night cycle things, just because i don’t want to get nitpicky on timelines because that would require going back and rewatching things to double check timing which i don’t wanna do at the moment lmao. anyway, when i think of bad pacing in season one, i primarily think of two things: nancy’s little trip into the upside down and subsequent sleepover with jonathan, and the sort of staggered nature of the climax in the final episode. the latter is simple so i’ll explain it first: while i understand that each group’s respective climax is like part of a chain reaction and that’s why each big moment happens separately and at different times, i think that st is strongest when the whole group is together, and i think that makes the stakes feel higher too, so i’m not In Love with the way s1 separated everyone and gave each group their own climax. 

okay, now on to the nancy/upside down thing! idk if i’ve ever talked about it before, but i think the worst decision made in s1 by far is the inclusion of nancy’s brief trip into the upside down, wherein she dives headfirst into another dimension with absolutely no backup, watches the demogorgon chow down, freaks out and runs around for a minute, and then leaves. like... what the fuck? even putting aside what an idiotic decision this was (because i do think nancy’s tendency to rush into things headfirst is an intentional and consistent character trait), it just kind of destroys any remaining suspense surrounding the demogorgon and the upside down, and it accomplishes basically nothing besides scaring nancy enough to have jonathan sleep over, which is lame. i will break it down.

like, first of all, nancy just getting to waltz in and out of the upside down and get a good, long look at the demogorgon makes the entire thing far less mysterious, and by extension far less scary. like... before this scene, we the audience haven’t got a good look at the demogorgon. we’ve seen its silhouette briefly and we’ve seen a blurry picture of it, but nothing more, and i think that is far more effective at building fear than this jaunt nancy goes on which gives us a full view of the thing and makes it into less of a horrifying nightmare and into more of a humanoid animal. like, maybe this is just me, but i found the demogorgon far less intimidating after that scene than before. it also lets nancy and jonathan know For Sure that they’re right without providing any crucial information that they need to fight the demogorgon (aka it’s unnecessary to the plot), which removes a very compelling story element (the faith nancy and jonathan need to have in order to keep going against a vague and poorly understood enemy, the doubt they might have about each other and their own sanity, the possibility that they might be wrong, the trust they need to have in each other) a bit earlier in the plot than i believe is ideal. at the end of episode 5, nancy goes into the upside down and jonathan doesn’t know where she is and it’s intense!!! you’re thinking like, oh fuck, not only is nancy missing and fighting for her life now too, jonathan might be implicated in her disappearance!! some people already think he’s the one who killed will and people know that he took creepy pictures of barb and nancy before they both disappeared, maybe this is gonna cause some serious problems for him!! maybe nancy will find will in the upside down and she’ll help him survive!! fuck, maybe she’ll actually die!! this is huge!! and then episode 6 starts and they’re immediately like oh nevermind jonathan found the tree and got nancy out and she’s fine. my point with all of this is that nancy entering the upside down could have done A Lot in the grand scheme of the plot, but all it did was just... get jonathan to sleep over so he and nancy could have some awkward romance moments and steve could see them together and pick a fight. which could have honestly happened at Any point while nancy and jonathan were working together to hunt down the demogorgon, without ruining the demogorgon’s and the upside down’s mystique. so yeah <3

weird behavior and dumbass decisions that make no sense (aka the whole camera thing)

gonna go off about the teen plot again sorry but: why was nancy so unbothered and quick to forgive jonathan for taking those pictures? girl what the fuck are you doing? why wasn’t that a bigger deal? why was jonathan’s motivation for doing it so weak and why did they just kind of forget about the whole thing? why did nancy TRACK HIM DOWN AT THE FUNERAL HOME while he was PICKING OUT HIS BABY BROTHER’S CASKET to be like hey can you tell me what’s in this creepshot you took? it’s insane. it’s so insane. i mean i think the funeral home thing is hilarious and i don’t mind it being in the show necessarily but like my point here is that i think a lot of character decisions in s1 just kind of.. happened because they Needed to happen for the plot. like, they wrote this plot that required jonathan to be secretly taking pictures of the party and required him and nancy to work together after seeing something odd in the pictures, but they didn’t like... really consider what that event would mean for their characterization and relationship. the whole thing was sort of just dropped with minimal discussion and i think it did both nancy and jonathan’s characters a disservice and was really mishandled.

lighting and saturation/color grading

i am literally begging horror/sci-fi shows to let me see shit. i GET IT okay i understand that when you’re doing cgi effects it helps to keep the lights down and i’m not mad at any of the lighting in the demogorgon/upside down scenes!! i’m really not i think the demogorgon scenes in s1 all look sick!! but like... dude. the colors. where are they. why does everyone look like a vampire. i know blah blah this was probably an intentional stylistic choice intended to mimic film at the time blah blah but dude a lot of old movies are very colorful!! please just let people have color in their faces so everyone doesn’t look like a sheet of paper!!! also i’m white and not a professional lighting designer so yknow grain of salt but i think lucas was kinda poorly served by the lighting sometimes in s1. not Hugely so, not to the degree that i’ve seen poc be poorly served by lighting in other shows, but there were some times where it felt kinda like the lighting setup was just not designed with darker skin in mind. 

horror

i just personally don’t find s1 very scary like... ever. i don’t think they were really Trying to be extremely scary yknow so i’m not counting this as a big deal, but i do think that each season has improved on the horror aspects. i think s1′s horror lies more in the mystery and the unknown than in what’s seen onscreen, and as i’ve said already, i think s1 kind of fumbled that suspense ball.

season 2

strengths

the possession plot

i’ll warn u rn this whole s2 strengths section is probably gonna be really short bc idk like. how much there is to really say i feel like it’s all so self-explanatory skjncmn. anyway yeah the possession plot!! eerie as fuck, and noah OWNED. so did winona tbh and finn and sean etc but like. noah. wow! i think the possession plot helped the show maintain a good amount of tension and suspense throughout the season, and a lot of scenes with possessed!will are flatout disturbing to watch. in a good way. i think the mindflayer and will’s possession were far more genuinely frightening than s1′s demogorgon, and it provided a new layer of depth and intrigue to the antagonist besides just “bad monster want eat people.”

tone and aesthetics

halloween season... literally halloween season. halloween season. that is all.

actually i will elaborate a bit and just say that i think s2 did a good job of having the sort of foreboding vibe that s1 was often going for, but without the annoying darkness and desaturation. so points for that.

also st2 is like one of the best Autumn pieces of media ever like it just. like steve and dustin on those train tracks with the fallen leaves all around them.... god. god the vibes are unparalleled. all of the halloween stuff also really contributes to the nostalgia st runs on yknow it makes you think about childhood and trick-or-treating and you kind of get transported like damn... i remember going to the rich neighborhoods to score the good candy..... idk i just think the whole thing is incredibly effective. 

“babysitter” steve

by sending nancy and jonathan off together, the show created a problem: what to do with steve? this problem pushed them to create the unconventional and unexpected duo of steve and dustin, and the world is so much brighter for it. seriously though we all know steve and dustin are great i don’t need to argue that point. all i’ll add is that i think allowing steve to grow in this way, serving as a mentor figure and becoming genuine friends with someone so unexpected, really took the originality of his character to the next level. no longer content just to defy his archetype, in s2 steve begins branching out in ways that never would have been considered in s1, creating an incredibly complex and interesting person from the sort of character that most shows would have simply written out or killed off for convenience’s sake. and it works and steve and dustin are such a joy to watch and i love them. <3

the lucas/max plot

so first of all max mayfield is the most perfect baby girl on god’s green earth and idk what i would do without her but anyway. i think lumax is the best romantic relationship in the show and not just because they’re the only ones with like an age-appropriate approach to the whole thing. it’s also because their relationship accomplishes more than just putting the two of them in a relationship!! lucas and max spending time together motivates billy to do his evil shit, providing more conflict in the narrative, and it also helps establish max as part of the group in a relatively natural way while giving both her and lucas a great subplot. lucas (and dustin) has a crush on the new girl, they start spending some time together, and lucas ends up needing to decide whether he’ll keep the secret of the upside down and lose her, or risk both of their lives by telling her the truth. that’s a pretty big, character-defining decision that he gets to make!! max has to choose whether to trust this boy she barely knows and endanger herself, or to walk away and stay safe, yet another great character-defining choice that also contributes to the sense we get as an audience of max as somebody who’s incredibly lonely and desperate for love and connection. this post is way too long already and i have a ton more to say so i’ll stop now but yeah i think lumax really Works in the show without ever distracting or detracting from the overall plot and narrative in the way that some other ships (coughjancycough) often do.

balance between the normal and abnormal

s2 i think did a pretty solid job of melding daily life with more fantastical sci-fi horror elements. i enjoyed seeing so much of the kids at school in the first few episodes!! you really get a strong sense of where they’re at in life, what their daily lives are like, and you get a sort of gradual shift into madness that makes everything feel more grounded than i think it would if they had just leapt straight into the horror shit, yknow? 

the el and hopper dynamic

go back and rewatch s2 and tell me that’s not one of the most moving portrayals of parenthood and trauma and growing up that you’ve ever seen. you can’t. or well you can but i won’t listen. i really can’t imagine stranger things without el and hopper’s relationship, and it’s my absolute favorite part of s2. their whole dynamic is so beautiful and complex, and gives them each amazing personal arcs in addition! the black hole scene is literally one of the show’s greatest moments of all time. any given scene between the two of them in s2 is just guaranteed to be heartwarming as well as heartbreaking, and i think that makes for an incredible show.

weaknesses

flashbacks

okay this applies to Every season they All have too many flashbacks but in s2 specifically... please stop showing me shit from season one. i watched it. i know what happened. you don’t need to spoon feed everything to me!! flashbacks can be a really helpful way of delivering information to an audience, but st has a bad habit of not only being kinda demeaning in how often they flash back to shit that the audience already knows, but they also have a bad habit of using flashbacks almost as a crutch to avoid having to deliver information subtly and naturally. 

you know i gotta say it... the lost sister

this is so sad. the lost sister really is like a great concept for an st episode, and i’m not mad about the idea of st taking a break from the normal action to focus on one story for a full episode, but the execution of it was just dreadful. kali and her crew feel very over-the-top and stereotypical, and its placement in the season totally kills the tension and excitement that was built in “the spy.” 

i think the lost sister honestly could have gone over far better, even with the stereotypical fake-feeling gang kali has, if they had just swapped it with “the spy” like... ok, the end of episode five has el setting off to find kali and will collapsing on the ground seizing. right? imagine if, instead of immediately following will to the lab, we’d followed el. we don’t know what’s happening with will, but it’s a very simple cliffhanger that leaves us on edge without making us feel cheated by the show cutting away. we follow el on her little journey, everything happens much the same as canon, and then at the end, el sees hopper in scrubs. she sees mike, screaming, sees that they’re both in danger. holy shit!!! what the fuck!!! what’s happened since we left will seizing on the ground??? we feel el’s fear and confusion. she decides to go home. and then... boom. “the lost sister” is over. now, we rewind, right back to will seizing on the ground, and “the spy” commences. we learn how they got into the danger that el saw in the end of “the lost sister,” and we sit on the edge of our seats all through “the spy” and “the mind flayer,” KNOWING that el is on her way back to save them but not knowing when she’ll arrive!! idk i don’t think that would have necessarily saved lost sister but i think it may have alleviated some of the issues that i and many others have with it, timing-wise.

the nancy/jonathan sidequest

once again, the idea of nancy going off on her own little mission to find justice for barb after s1 is like. amazing. genuinely i love that plot for her and i can’t imagine anything better for her to have focused on in s2. unfortunately though i think her and jonathan’s little trip to see murray was just kind of... lame. the whole thing just felt like an excuse to get the two of them alone together, yknow? which is fine i guess people contrive all sorts of situations to get characters alone together for romance reasons but in this case i think it just really doesn’t work for me because of what it’s juxtaposed with. like, will is POSSESSED, and jonathan is just off on a mini road trip and sleeping with his bestie, and jonathan never seems to communicate to joyce/will that he left town, and joyce never like... thinks to tell him that will is like sick and fucked up and they’re looking at him in the lab??? like it’s so weird i know joyce always forgets about jonathan when shit’s happening with will but jfc you’d think at some point in that like... 72-ish-hour period where jonathan was out of town she would have thought about him. like at least once. maybe i’m forgetting something and she mentioned him sometime and i missed it but even still, i hate the juxtaposition of nancy and jonathan just like cheers-ing at murray’s place and sleeping together and whatnot while everyone else is dealing with possession or trying to hunt down dart yknow? it feels really boring in comparison and i think it could have been done far better. like it was SO insanely easy for them to get into the lab and get an admission of guilt and escape with it!! i think it might have been a lot more engaging if maybe someone from the lab tailed them to murray’s place and they had to like lose the tail and race to get the recording out to as many news outlets as possible before they got caught, or something like that. the tension in their plotline is completely resolved in episode four!! episodes five and six are just them screwing around and addressing envelopes. while there were a lot of strong ideas in this plotline (i really enjoy nancy going out of her way to get justice, and the fact that they have to water down the story to make it believable), i just think the focus on nancy and jonathan getting together hindered it a lot without adding a ton to the plot or their individual characters.

season 3

strengths

starcourt mall as a setting

while i don’t think the mall was utilized quite to its full potential (something i could make a separate post about if anyone’s interested), i do think that starcourt was a genius addition to the series. i’ve said this before, but building a new mall is a literal Perfect in-universe justification for a significant leap forward in fashion and aesthetics, and it provides a great location for characters to just... be characters. idk how else to articulate this i just think that the mall is a great setting to let people interact with each other and to bring people together who may not have been otherwise (i.e. scoops troop). not to mention how sick it was to see the mall get wrecked toward the end kdjncdkm like they were able to do so much more with the mall in terms of like The Finale than they could with just the byers house or the cabin or the school or even the lab. i love all the back tunnels they run through it’s such a fun like acknowledgement of how this glitzy eighties mall is just a real place where employees get shipments and take out the trash and shit idk it’s all about the perfect facade and what’s hidden what’s underneath what’s hiding in plain sight etc etc i’m just saying words now. anyway. 

willingness to experiment and go against expectations

gay robin. neon aesthetics. giant fucking meat monster. i know some people hate both the neon and the meat monster but i personally think they were kind of amazing and like. yknow regardless of personal tastes i think it’s impossible to deny that s3 had a lot of incredible visuals, and they’re all visuals that just wouldn’t have been possible if the show were too afraid to stray from its s1 aesthetic. robin being canonically gay (and her resulting friendship with steve) and the season’s striking visuals are two things that most everyone (besides like homophobes skjncdknm) can agree were great, right? and they were both departures from where the show began and what we all expected!! so yeah i think while some of the experimentation in s3 wasn’t ideal it was also that experimentation that allowed for some of the season’s strongest elements to come about.

the hospital sequence (and the season’s action/horror scenes in general)

this one is fairly self-explanatory. while they may have underutilized the “body snatching” element of the season, the hospital sequence with nancy and jonathan fighting off their possessed bosses did an amazing job of building tension and creating a genuine sense of really intense and personal danger.

in general i think that s3 melded action and horror rather well, particularly in the sauna test, the hospital, and when the mindflayer busts through the roof of hop’s cabin. horror can come from many things, and in this case, st elicited horror largely from the feeling of helplessness, and it was really effective for me personally. i think it worked better for me than s1′s brand of horror because it doesn’t rely so much on a lack of knowledge or a sense of suspense that inevitable disappears upon a second viewing.

the body horror we got in s3 was also really fun! that’s it i just think all the blood and guts and slime were fun and i would like more of them. once again, the impacts of body horror are less dependent upon the viewer being in the dark or unsure as to what’s happening, and as such i think it tends to be a little more effective at eliciting reaction in the long term.

timing and mechanics of the battle of starcourt/finale

i think the battle of starcourt is just fucking awesome, and beyond that personal opinion, i think it’s the most high-stakes and intense finale of all three seasons, and this is for two main reasons! 1. el is out of commission, and 2. (almost) everyone is in the same cental location. this means that (almost) everyone is in danger all at once, and they are all working together at the same time to fight the same threat. s1/s2 have their groups more fragmented for the finales, and while i understand why in each case and i wouldn’t call either season’s finale necessarily weak, i do think the centralized nature of the s3 finale just Works on another level. in s1 and s2, large segments of the cast are already perfectly safe by the time el dispatches the primary threat. in s3, however, everybody save for dustin and erica is still in danger up until the last moment, and el is seemingly (you can def debate how much power she still had in her when she peeked into billy’s mind and whether the memory broke the mindflayer’s hold on him or if she was actually controlling him to some degree) completely vulnerable. this increases the tension and raises the stakes, making the finale a real crescendo to fortissimo as opposed to a series of little mezzo forte moments. i hope everyone reading this knows music idk how else to phrase that my brain is stupid.

emphasis on friendship and adolescence (but in a different way than s1/2)

this is definitely a controversial one but i think that s3 really did like... show a side of friendship that had been more or less unexplored thus far in the show. el and max were amazing, and i think it’s really nice that we got an opportunity to see the kids have some growing pains as well as see them support each other through Normal Adolescent Stuff like boyfriends and breakups instead of just like. death and trauma. this is maybe just a personal preference, but i think it can be really enlightening and provide a lot of depth when you get to see how characters respond to normal everyday conflict and not just how they respond to giant world-ending conflict!! letting el use her powers for goofy teenage shit like spying on boys and messing with mean girls at the mall is not only fun for her and the audience, but it also really emphasizes just how much those powers are a part of el, making it that much more devastating when she loses them at the end of the season. 

weaknesses

tonal dissonance

so this is like. obvious. but it must still be said! i won’t go on and on about it since we all know this so i’ll try to like talk about it from an angle people don’t usually? anyway. it seems to me like they were maybe a little worried about s3 being too dark. while the choice to really lean into humor was definitely driven by the sorts of eighties teen films from which s3 drew inspiration (like fast times at ridgemont high), i think it was also done in an attempt to alleviate the more troubling implications of some events in the season, particularly the russian bunker plot. like, yeah, st can be incredibly dark, but if they’d played the whole “children being stuck inside of a foreign military base, tied up, tortured, and drugged” thing completely straight without the humorous elements that exist in canon, it had the potential to be like... disturbing on a new level. steve and robin don’t have powers like el yknow their kidnapping/torture doesn’t have any sci-fi elements to sorta soften the blow. they’re just innocent teenagers being brutalized and traumatized by grown men. so anyway yeah i think maybe the writers were concerned about this storyline coming off as too dark and they wanted it to be a little more whimsical but they ended up pushing way too hard in that direction and creating extreme dissonance at times. this goes for joyce/hopper/murray/alexei too, but to a lesser extent. i think the ridiculousness in that group felt a lot more like... realistic. but still. 

newspaper plot

once again i feel like i don’t even need to say this skjdncmn we all know it was insane how the show basically ended up delivering the message “while misogyny is a serious problem poverty and classism are not” and i’ve said it on this blog a million times so i don’t need to repeat myself. i’ll focus on another weak point of this plot: the fact that it completely separates nancy and jonathan from everyone else. once again, the show’s preoccupation with j/ancy held them back! like... can you imagine a version of s3 where nancy and jonathan both worked in the mall? i have a lot of ideas about this possible au and like how the plot could play out differently if they worked in the mall but first of all it’s just more realistic, second of all it further utilizes the mall as a central setting, and third of all, it would bring everyone together. as it is in canon, nancy and jonathan were unnecessarily isolated from the rest of the group, and this isolation was detrimental to both of their characters. like, they only ever get to interact with each other! if they’d gotten summer jobs in the mall, they could have had more interactions with the kids/steve/robin, and they absolutely still could have had a similar argument! maybe in this case, nancy notices the rat thing (or something else odd) herself when taking out the trash behind the mall, and she wants jonathan to ditch work with her to check it out bc she thinks it may be related to the lab. jonathan doesn’t want to ditch work because he needs his job, nancy argues that they’re working shitty mall jobs anyway and who cares if they get fired, and we get more or less the same thing as s3 without the cartoonishly over-the-top misogyny. i mean honestly i think the rat shit could have been cut entirely it didn’t rly... accomplish much of anything. in my opinion. like imagine s3 without the rat plot you literally would not be missing anything except it would be more surprising when the dudes melted into goo at the hospital. so yeah i think it would have been better if nancy and jonathan had jobs at the mall, weren’t isolated from everybody else, and were maybe absorbed into the party’s plot or the scoops troop’s plot from very early on, allowing them to interact with more characters and have a less... dumb.... plot. like god splitting up nancy and jonathan between the party/scoops troop would have been So Much better i just. sdkjcnksdmn anyway yeah.

briefness of group reunion/separation of groups

remember in s2 at the beginning of “the gate,” where mike and hopper had a confrontation and max and el met for the first time and el hugged everyone and steve and nancy had their sad little moment together outside... where’s that energy? obviously the s2 reunion wasn’t that long either, but it made space for some significant emotional moments to take place. s3′s reunion had some hopper/el/mike resolution, but besides that... there was nothing, really. i just think that the whole group getting together in s3 was SO exciting and powerful the way they did it (with both the scoops troop and the adults having their own Big Moment reconnecting with team griswold family), but the emotional potential was more or less squandered. 

i also think in s3 at times they were really stretching to keep everybody separated even though it made no sense. and like... in s1 the separation worked bc nobody else knew that (x group) was experiencing weird shit too, and beyond that, each group (as i mentioned in the s1 section) was sort of operating within their own genre and bringing something unique to the season. they’ve stopped doing that though! now, the groups aren’t separate bc each plot is tonally/structurally different, the groups are just separate bc... they need to be, because it’s a big ensemble cast and you can’t just have them all be together for a whole season or it would be way too difficult to coordinate things and keep the show dynamic. all this is to say that i’m excited for s4 because the location differences make it so there’s a Reason for each plot to be separate at the beginning, and i think that’ll work better.

general ridiculousness

i dont mean like i think it’s bad that they made jokes this is just me lumping in all the dumb shit like hopper not worrying about el and not wanting to check on the kids, him and joyce bickering long after they both know they and their children are in danger, max seemingly forgetting that billy is a racist abuser, etc etc. i think many of these are just a symptom of the show 1. trying desperately to keep the groups split up a certain way even though it may not make any sense, and 2. trying to fit into a certain genre/trope mold when their actual characters are more complex than the tropes they’re imitating. this is so fucking long already i am not gonna elaborate further rn but i trust u all know what i mean.

soooo... yeah, that’s about all! i mean it’s not all there are definitely many more things i could talk about and i know i focused sorta disproportionately on the teens which is my bad :/ but i’m done for now. thank you for asking, and apologies for the delay in responding!! i’m sure some people reading (if anyone read this far) will disagree with some of what i’ve said and that’s alright like i’m not The Authority on st or anything i’m just trying to talk about like my own thoughts yknow? so yeah luv u all i hope someone enjoyed reading this!!

[hearth-and-veil]

Handling Magical Liars

There are many, many people in magical communities who will lie about their abilities for gain. Whether it's money, status, or just awe, they want something from you. Try not to give it to them.

Please keep in mind that not everyone is a liar; some people just suck at communication. Some people are just assholes. However, these are typically some good indicators that someone is full of shit.

1. They're self-aggrandizing. Actions speak louder than words. People with real power and skill don't have to talk constantly about how great they are.

2. They blame you if you can't tell how powerful they are. Anybody who puts the burden of proof on you to know that they're ✨️special✨️ isn't. Just like all people who run around bragging about being special, different, quirky, unique... and they're actually basic af. Same here.

If someone is claiming to be powerful, but gets mad that you can't feel their power, and tries to blame it on you being weak/inexperienced/stupid/etc, they're not. Anyone truly powerful can demonstrate.

3. They claim to be more than human. If someone is trying to tell you that they're a god, a demi god, a spirit, an elf, an alien, a primordial, etc., they are completely full of shit. Worse than just being full of shit, they also think you're stupid or they wouldn't be trying to get you to play along.

4. Your intuition says something is off. Trust your intuition. Intuition is a primal, magical part of us. Allow it to help you.

5. They can make you powerful too, but only if you join their cult super special secret ancient tradition conveniently passed down without notice (or documentation) for thousands of years. All you have to do is pay them or serve them. Interesting how that works.

Still not sure? That's ok. Some liars are quite good at it. Some are using magic to influence you. Here's some steps to take to be sure.

1. Ask. Ask a trusted member of your community. Ask me. Hell, ask them. Some people will cop to their bullshit to save face when they're caught.

2. Play along for a while, providing false information. If they go along with your lies, you know they're definitely lying. I use this a lot with psychics and mediums. Oh my Grandpa Mort, who lost an arm in Normandy, is trying to warn me about a curse that you can lift for $500? Interesting. I don't have a Grandpa Mort. None of my family was in the European theater. None of my grandpas are amputees. Also, my immediate grandparents were all born after WWII.

3. Laugh. I'm not kidding. When someone makes some insane claim, just laugh. Their reaction will tell you a lot. If they insist, it probably isn't true. If they laugh too, or back off, or say they understand your skepticism, or something like that, they could still be lying but I would be a bit more favorably inclined towards them.

4. Tell them to prove it. They'll either flounder or argue. Don't let people bullshit you with talk about faith, or witchcraft not being evidence based. Substantiate or suffocate.

You've determined they're lying. Now what?

1. Ignore them. You are under no obligations here. Quoth Cardi B: If I see you and I don't speak, that means I don't fuck with you.

2. Don't ignore them, but ignore their nonsense. Ok, not everybody is quite as good as me at pretending entire people don't exist, especially when they stand in your presence. It's a learned skill. So still be nice to that person, and just pretend they never said anything so stupid.

3. Flat out tell them you don't believe it. My typical response, if any, is the good ole "Yeah, no." One thing: don't apologize or equivocate. You don't owe them your belief, and you have nothing to be sorry for.

4. Leave. If they won't stop bothering you, or they make you feel unsafe, remove yourself from the situation.

5. Warn others. You don't have to drag the liar, but if you know other members of the community, give them a heads up. It's only polite.

Warning: some people believe their bullshit. That doesn't mean it's true, but people get caught up in their own hype. People who really believe what they're saying can be dangerous if corrected. Nobody likes their delusions challenged. Be careful, be safe. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away.

[write-orflight]

Watch Over Me: Chapter One

**Gif Not Mine**

Prev -  Next

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader

Rating: M

Words: 3.2K

Warnings: none for this chapter: innuendo, language

Request: OPEN/CLOSED

Summary: Steve Rogers learns about the future from a woman stuck in the past.

A.N This is my jazz club reader fic I’ve been talking about writing. This fic isn’t gonna be long but I like it so I hope yall do too. I’m not using my perm taglist because it’s different than my normal content. reply, message, or inbox to be tagged. Devil Has Lilith will be updated Saturday.

Slang used in this chapter:

Dish: An attractive Woman

Butter and egg man: The money man, the man who comes to town to blow a big wad in nightclubs.

Dip the bill: Have a drink.

Corn: Bourbon

Cake-eater: A ladies’ man

Jalopy: An old car.

Drop a dime: Make a phone call

Chapter 1: There's a somebody I'm longin' to see 

“I can’t watch this anymore!” Tony said storming into the compound’s kitchen one night.  Steve looked up from his sketchbook in confusion. “I can’t watch you sit in here another friday night. It’s tragic!” 

“Ugh, not this again, Tony.” Steve says, sighing. Nat and Bucky begin snickering next to him, knowing where the conversation was going. 

“Yes, this again. Cap, I excused it for the first couple of years because you were adjusting to the times but it’s been years! If you’re not on a mission, you don’t go out! Sometimes, when Pep is having trouble sleeping I describe your social life to her, puts her right slee--” 

“Alright, I get it!” Steve cuts him off, slapping Bucky, who was in full hysterics at this point, in the arm. “I know my personal life is--” 

“Non-existent?” Nat provides.   

“Dead?” Tony adds, laughing.  

“But it’s my personal life. I’m over 100 years old. If I looked it, you guys wouldn’t be questioning my staying home.”   

“Exactly, if you looked it, I wouldn’t. But you are not that old yet.” Tony says. “Come on, let’s just all go out once. If you don’t like it, I’ll never make you go out again. I’ll even get you a coloring book or a model ship, or whatever old people do.” 

“Fine.” Steve sighed, as the man next to him cheered. “But nothing like those places you typically go to. They’re too noisy and sweaty and--” 

“Yea I got it, old-timer. We’re not going anywhere like that.” Tony provides. “My friend recently opened a restaurant where their back room is a speakeasy, very accurately themed, you need a password and everything to get in. You’ll fit right in.” 

“Prohibition ended in the 30s.” Bucky says. “Long before Stevie could even drink.” 

“Even still, work with me a little here.” Tony says. 

“Fine.” Steve sighs.  

“Awesome. Now, you’ve got to come in costume to these things so I’ve already taken the liberty of telling my tailor to make you guys something.” 

“What if I had said no?” Steve asks. 

“Oh, Cap. You should know by now I don’t take no as an answer.” 

----------------------------------------------

  Steve shifted uncomfortably in his uniform. It was almost exactly like the one he would wear out during down times in the war though he knew it wasn’t the real one as that one was in the Smithsonian. Still, Tony’s tailor did a good job with seemingly all the costumes. Tony looked almost identical to how Steve remembered Howard back in the day. Bucky was in a uniform that looked similar to his back in the day, Glove covering his metal hand. Natatsha was in a sleek red gown, white gloves and pearls that was more modest than he’d seen her wear but still made her look drop dead gorgeous. 

Tony led them down a dark alley to what seemed to be a back door. Steve looked around confused as they entered the smokey hallway. At the end of the hallway there were two large doors and a lady with pinned up hair and a black shimmery dress, smoking with her feet propped up on the desk she was sitting at. 

“Evening gentlemen.” She croons in an english accent. “And lady. Are you lost?” 

“We have a meeting with Dr. Volstead.” Tony says, confidently. 

The woman tilts her head back giving all of you a once over. “It’s a nice night, isn’t it?” She asks. 

“Yes, it is. But I prefer the rain.” Tony says.  

With that the woman stands and walks over to the large doors and knocks rhythmically 3 times. The doors open to reveal a large dance hall where couples are in full swing, laughing and drinking. A trio of girls crooned a faced paced song as a jazz band was playing behind them. For a moment, Steve did actually forget he was in the 21st century. 

“Enjoy Paradise, my friends.” The woman smiles, before shutting the doors to the outside world. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were in the kitchen, taking a much needed headache break from the facade you had been putting up for your tables all night long when your Co-worker, Dalia, came up to you. 

“Y/N, Y/N! You have to trade tables with me.” 

You looked at her with a suspicious look. “Why?” 

“Come on, It’s a 4-top anyway. I’ll even trade you the party table for it.” That made you even more suspicious. “50 bucks for it, come on.” 

“Don’t trade, Y/N/N!” Your co-worker and friend/roommate, Jade added. “Tony Stark is in your section. I bet she only wants to give you 50 for it because she knows she’ll make 500.” 

“Come on, that’s not even why.” Dalia groans. “Black Widow is also at your table and you know she’s on my ‘Celebrities I have to fuck before I die’ list.” 

“God, are the rest of the avengers here?” You ask. 

“Not all but you know who is here?” Jade asks. “Steve Rogers.” She says, in a mocking singsong tone, jabbing you. Your crush on Captain America wasn’t really a secret anymore after you confessed it drunk one night. “And he looks almost edible.”  

You hum, you didn’t really feel like taking another table but this wasn’t a normal table. You doubt you had a chance but you weren’t passing up on serving Steve Rogers. 

“I’ll make you a deal. I still want that 50 bucks and we share the table, I’ll consider splitting the tip.” You say, the idea of making your rent in a night did appease you. 

“Deal.”

“Now ladies, I have a song to do.” You say, leaving the girls behind in the kitchen. 

—————————————-

Steve, for the first time in a while it seemed, was having fun. Tony was right, he did feel like he fit right in here. He clapped with the crowd, as the three girls bowed and left the stage. The piano man stood up and took the microphone Steve could tell was only styled to look old but actually wasn’t that old. 

“One more time for the Duclaw sisters folks.” The smooth voiced man said into the microphone, inciting another round of applause from the crowd. “Our next performer is actually the last of the night.” That incited a few ‘awws’ of disappointment. “Don’t cry just yet because Old Gary never disappoints, our next performer is my personal favorite. Sings like a Canary and the Cat who caught it.” That induces a laugh from the crowd and a small chuckle from Steve. “And maybe if you’re good she’ll come on for an encore later. Ladies and Gentlemen, The Sultry Sounds of Y/N L/N.” He says, moving from the mic back to the piano as the crowd cheers. Steve watches the stage as arguably the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen seems to glide out from the backstage. She’s wearing a floor length silver gown that seemed to glimmer with every step she took. Her hair came down in long fingerwaves, pinned back so you could see the sculpt of her face. Steve would be lying if he said that wasn’t his favorite part of her facade. She had on simple eyeliner, foundation, and a bold red lip he could probably see from mars. You were beautiful, in a timeless sort of way. 

“My, my.” She crooned in an sultry old new york accent that reminded Steve of the women he grew up around. “What would your wife say if she knew I was your favorite, Old Gary?” 

“She’d agree!” The man called from the piano, inducing the chuckle from the crowd. And a deep sultry one from you. 

“Well as they say, two’s just fine but three’s a party.” She winked at the old man in a way that would make Steve weak if he wasn’t already sitting. 

“You ok there, Cap?” Tony said, snapping Steve out of the mystery woman’s trance. “You disappeared for a second.” 

“I’m fine.” Steve said, fighting the flush that threatened to spread over his face. He looks out the side of his eye to Bucky, who was smirking at him knowingly. Of course, he knew. 

“You know, you saying something about being good got me thinking, Old Gary.” She said, as the man softly played behind her. “A good man is hard to find. Great men are great, bad men are good sometimes too.” She winked to the crowd. “But every girl wants a good man, someone to watch over her.” Old Gary seems to take the cue to start playing her song. 

“There's a saying old, says that love is blind. Still we're often told, ‘seek and ye shall find’” She began singing and it made Steve sit up in his seat. She had the kind of voice that was almost beckoning. She was becoming his own personal siren. “So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind”  

“She’s a looker, huh?” The server, who introduced herself as Dalia, said as she sat down Bucky’s drink. “Y/N’s the main dish of this place.” 

“I think I’m more interested in you, doll.” Bucky flirted, shamelessly. 

“And I think I’m more interested in dames, Soldier.” She says, winking to Natasha who smiles coyly at her. Steve hardly pays them any mind as his focus was on you as you finished your song and thanked the crowd and waved while Old Gary helped her off stage. 

------------------------------------------ 

You were changing from your stage outfit into your floor outfit when Dalia burst into the locker room.

“Y/N/N, I actually think I might have a chance with Widow. I mean, she’s kinda been ignoring me the whole night but when I mentioned I was into girls she smiled!” Dalia ranted, excitedly as you nodded. You turned your back to her so she’d get the clue to zip you up which she does. “Also, you should’ve seen the way Steve Rogers was watching you sing. He totally wants to hit that.” That makes you perk up a bit. 

“I doubt it. I have it under good authority that he hasn’t hit anything in over 70 years. I doubt I’m what he’s been waiting for.” You laugh. “Still, it’s fun to think about.” 

Dalia tugs you out of the locker room. “Come on, let's get back out there.” 

You sighed before stepping out of the locker room and seemingly out of this century. 

You fake laughed with a guest at the bar as you grabbed your tray of drinks and made your way over to the table that had been making you nervous all night. You placed the four whiskey rocks drinks on the tables. 

“Courtesy of Dean.” You say, placing the drinks down. Stopping at Tony Stark. “Don’t know why? You seem to be the butter and egg man out tonight. 

“Butter and egg?” He asks, looking to Steve and Bucky. 

“Means money man, High roller.” Bucky explains, Steve nods. 

“Ah, well I am that.” Tony says, laughing. “I must say Miss, what was it? Y/N?” You nod confirming. “I have to say you are quite the performer.” 

“Thank you kindly, Mr. Stark. Go ahead, dip your bill.” You say pointing to the drink, Hoping they’d get the hint. They did of course, after seeing Steve and Bucky take a sip. You watch Steve grimace slightly at the taste of the liquor. 

“Everything alright, fella?” 

You watch Steve flush at the attention being tossed his way. You can’t help the confident smirk that graced your face knowing it was you that had Steve Rogers flustered. “I’m fine, I just don’t enjoy the taste.” 

You hum. “Yea, it’s the big cheese’s favorite drink and he’s known for liking it rough.” You wink, somehow making Steve flush more. That made you want to push it more. “I’ve got some corn in the back they call the Y/N because it feels really good when it’s going down.” That makes Steve choke a little and induces a hearty laugh from the group. “Can I get you a glass, Soldier?”  

“Y-Yea, I’d like that.” Steve flushes. It was almost fun at this point. 

“I’d love to try the real thing.” Bucky says, flirting right back with a smirk you knew has to make every girl in the 40s weak in the knees. You didn’t indulge him though. 

“Well, aren’t you a regular cake-eater.” You smirk. “I’ll be back with two glasses.”  

“I see the serum didn’t enhance your ability to talk to pretty girls.” Bucky laughs as you want away. Steve can’t help but become a little distracted by the sway of your hips. 

The rest of the night seemed to go like that. You bringing them drinks and flirting with the captain anyway you could just to see the pretty flush that spread across his face. But soon the time came for the superheroes to take their leave. As you sat the check in front of Tony, you brushed a hand over the Captain’s shoulder admiring the broadness of them. 

“You’ll come back and see me, Sugar?” You say, phrasing it like a question despite it not really being one. Steve nods, dumbfounded by you. You smile and wink at him before walking away. 

You’re in the kitchen eating the pizza you had ordered earlier when your manager, Dean comes out of his office for the first time that shift. 

“Y/N!” You roll your eyes when you hear him scream your name. “What do you think you’re doing?!” 

“I’m eating dinner. Something I could’ve done on my break if I ever got one.” 

“You know you’re not supposed to be eating anything that couldn’t be made in the 30s. People pay for the illusion and if they see you gorging yourself on pizza, it ruins it.” 

“No one’s looking in the fucking kitchen, Dean.” 

“Uh-huh, and another thing. You know what kind of songs you’re supposed to sing.” You roll your eyes harder. You knew this argument was coming. “That song is from the 50s and you knew it.” 

“None of those bullshit hipsters know who Ella fucking Fitzgerald is!” You yell. “Much less what years her fucking songs came out. That song killed and that’s all that fucking matters.” 

“Change your set or you’re fired.” 

That makes you laugh in his face. “Uh-huh, as if you’re going to find a singer who’ll work as cheap as me.” You say, brushing past him. “See you tomorrow.” 

----------------------------------------------------------------

Steve comes back to the bar the following week. He tells himself that it’s just for a quick drink but he knew the real reason was because he could not stop thinking about you. He also knew you were probably just being friendly because it’s your job to. He just needed you to reject him so he could go on with his life. 

He found himself in that hallway again approaching the woman he had seen last week. 

“Evening, Sir.” She says. “Are you lost?” 

“Umm.. I have a meeting with Mr. Volstead?” Steve questions, not really recalling the password fully. 

The woman hums. “Nice night, no?” She says. 

“I prefer the rain.” 

The woman sighs. “I’m sorry. I typically would let you in because I don’t really care but technically I’m not supposed to let anyone who doesn’t know the password in… even if  they are kinda famous.” She says. “The password changes every week. I’m sure if you ask Mr. Stark, he can find it for you.” 

“Oh, no worries. Sorry for wasting your time.” Steve sighs, turning back out the building. 

He’s approaching where he parked his bike when he hears a string of expletives being screamed followed with a car stuttering before not starting. He looks over to see a woman angrily get out of her car and lift the hood to see it smoking. The woman lets out another stream of expletives before kicking the tire and leaning her head on the roof of the car, defeated. For some reason, he feels compelled to go over and see how he could help. As he got closer he couldn’t believe his luck, it was you. He tapped you lightly on the shoulder and you turned with the beginnings of tears in your eyes. 

“Oh, Soldier!” You said, quickly turning around to wipe your eyes and putting the facade you typically used with customers back up. “I almost got offended when you didn’t come back to see me. Imagine a broad’s old luck.” You said, smiling flirtatiously. Steve didn’t buy that smile for a second. He could see in your eyes you were still upset. 

“Everything okay?” He asks. 

“Oh, everything’s swell! This old jalopy has seen better days, gonna drop a dime to a friend hopefully--” You cut yourself off, switching into your normal speaking voice. “Listen, I’m sorry I just can’t keep talking like this off the clock. I’ll drive myself insane. Please, don’t tell my boss. I’m already on thin ice for not ‘maintaining the illusion’.” 

Steve laughs, a weight suddenly feeling lifted off his shoulders. Suddenly you weren’t this mysterious woman who seemed to have all the right things to say and how to say them. You were human, just like him. “Your secret’s safe with me.” He says. 

“Good.”  You say, smiling briefly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ve gotta call Triple A for a tow.” You say, pulling your cell phone out. Steve had to admit it looked a little weird to see you with a cellphone in your olden days attire. 

“How will you get home?” He asks. 

“I’ll probably hoof it.” You shrug. “Or take the subway.” 

“At night?!” Steve says, incredulously. “No, I can take you if you’d like.” 

You look at him, hopefully. “I don’t want to be a burden.” You say. 

“You won’t be one.” He smiles. God, that smile made you feel a little weak. 

“Okay.” You smile back. 

“Are you hungry by chance?” He asks, as the two of you walk back to his ride. “I was going to eat in the bar but I couldn’t remember the password.” He says, sheepishly. 

That makes you laugh out loud. “Those passwords are such bullshit, Dean keeps changing them to keep it ‘exclusive’ but they always end up online anyway.” You say. “Every server has their own password, to keep track of regulars coming in. If you tell them you have a rose delivery for Mae, They’ll take you to my table no questions.” 

“Mae?” Steve asks. 

“For Mae West.” You explain, That makes Steve laugh again, of course you liked Mae West. “I could eat though. There’s actually a diner right down the road from here.” 

“Perfect.” He says, straddling onto his bike. He raises an eyebrow at you when you hesitate. “Something wrong?” 

“I’ve never ridden on a bike before is all.” 

“As long as you hold on to me, you’ll be fine.” He says, smirking when he sees a flush creep over your face as he hands you his helmet. It was about time for you to be flustered by your interactions. 

“I have no problems with that.” You say, placing that helmet on your head after you straddle the bike behind him. Your hands are tight around his waist as the two of you ride out of the lot, leaving Paradise behind. 

Taglist: @buckybarneshairpullingkink

[jimalim]

1/2 ‘I know I probably sound like I’m whining but’ no it really is you just whining. And you’re presenting your whining as you being on a crusade against the general issues of fandom consumption in order to hide that the actual problem here is your personal entitlement. All of your recent leatin fics have bettered the 10% kudos/hits ratio that is generally accepted as being the bar for engagement. So many of your fics do. You are not hard done by

2/2 You just think you are because the fic you expected to go down well on the basis of you liking it the best and working on it the hardest actually didn’t go down well. It be like that sometimes. Suck it up. There is no requirement for people to hit the kudos button. And you having higher expectations of when people will kudos certainly doesn’t create the requirement for them to do so

ok, so anon I get what you're saying, and I wouldn't say you're entirely wrong. hell, I even agree that yeah, I did have higher expectations for this fic, and yes that higher bar does factor into why my disappointment is greater in this specific instance. however, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to feel that way. It's a perfectly normal, human response to feel upset and/or frustrated when something you put a lot of time and effort into doesn't live up to your expectations. feeling this way and expressing it doesn't make me 'entitled'. I never compared myself to others specifically or negatively bashed anyone. I merely stated how it sucks that this fic seemingly 'performed poorly'-compared to my other fics.

you bring up my hit/kudo ratio, a metric that 1. I never brought up in my post, 2. do not even pay attention to anymore as it's a wildly inaccurate stat because it does not account for people who reread fics, multiple chapter hits, page reloadings, bots/google search hits, that you can only leave one kudo per user (2 if you sign out and leave aa guest kudo) etc. and most importantly 3. should not, and does not have any bearing over the way I'm allowed to feel about my work. just because my ratio is what some people consider 'good' or even 'better' than the typical fandom average doesn't mean I have to "suck it up" and be happy/satisfied with that. If a movie director makes a passion project that does poorly at the box office, are they not allowed to be disappointed it wasn't received as well as they liked? that kind of thinking is frankly petty and ignorant in my opinion. and if you personally take issue with me venting my valid feelings on my personal blog, then just unfollow me, assuming you do since you're complaining about a post I made with no distinguishable tags-posted at the time tumblrs tag system was broken (thankfully that looks to be fixed now!)

when I mentioned the kudo count on this fic, I said it in relation to the number of kudos I have on my other fics for this fandom. I have never written more than 5 or 6 fics for one fandom, it is a first for me having now 30 for this fandom. sure it's still a small sample size, but it's significantly larger than any body of work I've done before, and thus I have a much better understanding of when a fic 'does well' for my existing body of work. out of the 30 fics, all but 8 have over 100 kudos. the average across all my fics for this fandom is 130. so yes I am disappointed that the fic I worked the hardest on and feel is my strongest work has the least amount of kudos at 70 (at the time of the original post, now its 73) because yes, that indicates that it either wasn't as well liked or just not enough people have seen it yet, granted it is still one of my newest works (only 2 months old) so there's still plenty of time for that to grow. my mistake for not better clarifying those particular stats

my main issue being, and this is really what that post was about, the actual ratio that matters to me-the reblog/like ratio here on tumblr. take this post for example-it's the post I made when I published this fic to promote it here and hopefully drive traffic to ao3 so more people would read it. It currently has 93 notes: 59 likes and 32 reblogs. now that looks like an amazing ratio! however, if you look at those reblogs-13 of them are me trying to signal boost. so if you take me out of the equation that's 59 to 19 which is easily my best ratio on original content posts, but it still isn't moving the needle.

tumblr doesn't have an algorithm that shoves popular content in your face the way other social media sites do (and I love them for that!) so that requires organic user sharing to get any real traction. likes on tumblr do not make posts show up to new users the way you might see a tweet someone you follow like or same with a facebook post. you have to reblog a post for others who do not follow op to see it, not everyone checks the tags and half the time that shit doesn't even work.

as I said in my original post "everyone’s all for reblogging posts about how we need to support creators-but how often does that actually translate to a change in the way people consume this media?" I certainly haven't seen a change. but what I do see is the frustration from other creators who reblog those support posts to my dash, and the even larger number that then reblogs that post from me. I just want people to share the media they enjoy-and yes leaving a comment/kudo is also greatly appreciated, these things work in tandem: more reblogs on a post, the greater probability of engagement because it's being seen by a larger audience which in turn leads to more motivation for a creator to keep writing, drawing, making gifs, and videos, and edits, and so on an so forth!

TL;DR: fandom creators are allowed to be disappointed/upset/frustrated when their work doesn't get the engagement they were hoping for regardless of how 'popular' or 'well received' their other work is/perceived by people. low engagement can discourage people from making new stuff, and frankly I don't fucking blame them cause this shit hurts