#ignore how bad the drawing is obviously i wasnt actually going to try

[br1ghtestlight]

my attempt at mapping the wagstaff schoolgrounds using what we've been shown throughout the series. its probably not 100% accurate (i merged both playgrounds into one bcuz there wasn't physically room for two playgrounds at the school but both are consistently shown) but unless we get a birds eye view of wagstaff its the closest we're gonna get??

the parking lot is most likely faculty-only and the parents have a drop off/pick up area up by the front of the school, but i suspect due to its location that most kids attending wagstaff either walk or take the bus

screenshots i used for reference down below :)

[gikairan]

Mmm so i tried to play some of that Wuthering/*/*/Waves game that came out today

Bc its a Genshin-like and hey its sort of the time of the Genshin update where not much is going on. Why not try it out?

Especially as my pathway into Genshin was "haha, lets see how bad this Chinese BOTW-like is" to "... oh no i'm actually having a LOT of fun"

And... boy i dont think i've ever played a game thats so shamelessly a rip-off of another one, and fails to carve even one iota of its own identity.....

Look, i'll admit. My play time is probably less than 3 hours. Mostly just trying to follow the main story. Until i unlocked the gacha, and tried to run around and see what the open world had to offer for a bit.

And its.... its Genshin. Its Genshin with a slightly more sci-fi skin, made by a company that isn't quite to the same standard of quality.

The combat is different, and i WILL give it the fact that its got good punch. Long term, I can see this being more interesting than Genshin's (Which i admit is a little button spammy and not very strategic anymore - especially as i ignore Spiral Abyss)

..... But its about the only system that i felt had the right level of polish? Jumping felt wrong, climbing felt wrong. I tried to do the fast climbing up a wall and the main character just went into the sprint animation. The subtitles dont scroll down when youre not in a proper "cutscene", and it doesnt seem to be scrollable, so you miss entire sentences. I dont know if you can change the dub language, since I just want to play my games in English, but if you did change your language... thats.... not great? Theres also weird pacing issues with the voice acting, where it seems like they didn't quite give the English voice lines enough time to be said, pause for breathing, and move onto the next line. It feels unnatural. Plus - some of the translation is a little odd? You get a dialogue option like "What happens when someone Overclocks" and the response from the character is "Overclocking is *thing*". Like... the option was "what happens when you do this thing?", not "what is thing (You just explained 2 seconds ago)?"

UI wise, it all felt overly familiar. Everything is in exactly. the. same. place. The pause menu is a little different, but not a huge amount. Many character systems are the same.

Overworld, the bit i explored seemed a little... empty? There wasnt really a lot i could see to do. I found a mechanic that is basically seeles..... I found a domain that had the same kind of UI going on. I found a puzzle that isnt directly ripped from Genshin.... because its the magnesis/ Ultrahand Korok block puzzles from BOTW/ TOTK....

Theres nothing i played that felt unique to this game? Maybe the echo system, which I probably havent played with enough, but i dont think that alone is enough of a draw on its own? It feels like it needs something more significant to really set it apart and let it be its Own Game.

But truly the worst sin - they gave the main character the title of "Rover". Which sure feels like "Traveller", but not. Except.... they dont put an article before "Rover". And the translators really really should have. Because Rover.... is a stereotypical dog name. "The Rover" would sound a looooooot better.

The thing is tho, i bet none of this would bother you if you never played Genshin? A game which, honestly, I do not recommend you picking up if you havent played it yet. Because youre looking at 100+ hours of cutscene just to catch up. This... might actually be a good option if you want to try that kind of game, but are daunted by the amount of content in Genshin? It needs a bit more polish but I dont think its bad. Just obviously a little lower budget, or the team isnt quite as experienced. But i cant play this game and not go ".... this isnt as good as the game that its clearly trying so hard to be???" And maybe if Genshin was a typical story-based game that just released in one go, and i'd finished it, i'd be more forgiving? Like an "oh boy, two cakes!" kind of situation? But side by side... and I can't help but compare and find this new game lacking.

[expired-blueberries]

#the one thing ill say abt kevins mom is that it seems like she and he dont rly see each other very often#despite kevin having a room there and him using her garage#it seems like theyre still pretty distant#which makes sense for kevin who would obviously not feel very close to her#after being a runaway and then being missing for years#and likely as not by this point distrusting her for marrying harvey and#in his eyes for taking harveys side in things#SO the rooters not going to her for information (or even going and it not being shown on screen)#(bc it ultimately wasnt useful and gave them nothing) does make sense to me given the distance between the two#but anyway i LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE LOVE LOVE THAT#LOVE HARVEYS STORY LINING UP WITH THE SERVANTIS SHIT OOOOOOOOOOO FUCK#i dont think u tagged it or if u did i completely missed it#or i just forget bc my brain is bad. but i would (and am!!) eating that shit UP OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#and if harvey was a rooters plant (which would be interesting if that were the case)#(following the death of aka the death/divorce of whomever li was with prior to harvey)#and he was there specifically to rile kevin further in the hopes it would push him to kill ben.... MAN THAT WOULDVE BEEN SO COOL. FUCK.#in truth kevins mom being a rooter and not caring for him totally breaks my heart#bc that means that poor boy cant have SHIT lmfao#its great for story reasons for sure!! fantastic headcanon that draws cannon together#while simultaneously making fan theories stronger#but damn does it make me soooooo sad lmfao#but kevin (electraslight) and i were actually talking recently abt ragnarok#and how maybe he was a neutral party who had dealings with the rooters#and he saw the way the rooters treated those kids and spoke against it#and the rooters retaliated in rooter fashion#and had kevin off him after tying him in with devin#oh but anyway back to kevs mom that definitely DOES make sense#like one could argue she was just in shock seeing her house in shambles#but she was so calm about it and it seems to me that a regular mom wouldnt be that calm

(original tags i had written for this post ^. missing a good chunk bc i learned that tumblr has a tag limit but i didnt learn that until too late lmfao. trying to recall what all i wrote vvv)

a regular mom wouldnt be that calm, especially after remembering that her son, an ex runaway who had burned down a pervious house of hers was currently supposed to be at her house and there was a big giant gaping hole in the house. so her being a rooters plant definitely wouldve made sense, especially when she expo dumps like you said and started talking like an npc giving kevin a quest.

can you imagine how the storyline, and how kevin, in particular, wouldve been impacted too at the end of the rooters when he had to send his mom (or, well, the woman who raised him) into the null void?the fucking *emotions* he would be feeling? can you imagine if they wouldve given the time to properly look into it? the way he would feel having to send his mom into the null void after allowing her back into his life, after everything that went on in his past because of her (her marriage to harvey directly affecting kevins EVERYTHING moving forward).... god. can you imagine.

and, if she isnt a rooter... can you imagine how she would feel? no, rather- do you think anybody would even tell her? i know that this would never be expanded upon in the show, but just walk with me for a minute... it seems the plumbers already have a past of not really keeping in contact with her, since we know that if they *did* then max might have, yknow, known about kevin and maybe been on the lookout for kids his age and his looks and his powers, and maybe wouldve been able to, i dont know... do something more for him in os. but it seems like the plumbers (though, its true, were largely disbanded in os, and which arguably didnt have anybody to get into contact with widows - but i choose to willfully ignore all of that lol) have a past of disregarding her. if they didnt, then i wont go as far to say that things for kevin wouldve turned out alright in os, but at least she maybe wouldve known what happened to him in all those years he was gone??? no, i dont think the plumbers would tell her. i dont think even max would tell her, considering that although he was devins partner (devin isnt real, i know, but his false existence still meant that max shouldve been aware of her if nothing else), even HE didnt even reach out to her after his death. if he had, he wouldve known about kevin, simple as that. well - considering devin died at the ripe old age of [nebulously toddler], it should be argued that max DID know about kevin... which is even worse, but i digress. all this to say that i think in the end kevin would have to be the one to tell her, which would be absolutely horrible for all parties involved.

damn, i went on a fic tangential again instead of sticking to our original conversation topic, my bad.

but no, it really is tragic that so LITTLE lasting impact happens to kevin. ov, in its quest to remove gwen and kevin from the main cast, did kevin a massive disservice by making it so that we dont get to see anything about how he handles this information more than ten minutes after it happened. hes gonna be sitting on all of this, on his ENTIRE LIFE being a lie, and we dont get to see how it happens, because its the ben show and so we have to focus on ben. and of course, that makes SENSE, because it is LITERALLY the ben show, but it just... sucks. sucks that we cant keep an eye on kevin after this, sucks that we cant see any of the emotional fallout, sucks that all this was for was to tie os future into ov future. hell, with all the shit that kevin had forced onto him, i almost cant blame him for going evil 11k after all this lmfao (keyword being *almost* - i still think its complete bullshit, but thats a rant for another time).

Annoying thing with the Rooters arc is that we never do find out what the fuck the Rooters had planned in the long run. Because the first-and-foremost matter is destroying Ben, yes, but Servantis may as well be holding up a big glowing neon sign saying "this is step three in a greater, larger plan". He grabs Kevin in the first episode of the arc and is talking about using him to make more amalgams, when discussing Kevin seemingly coming back into the fold he describes him as 'coming along nicely' like this is just a step in his training, when he sends the kids out after him in the flashback he refers to the Rooters 'subtle manipulations' and how Ben can't fuck them up, he's literally forming a group of hybrid child soldiers as if he couldn't just snipe the fucking 10-yo as he walks out of his elementary school, or fucking recruit him like the Plumbers already end up doing.

This is not shit you get from someone whose entire deal is 'this one child is too dangerous to live'! You don't see 'child has superweapon' and go 'well then I'll have to transform myself, my staff, and a host of children into hybrids through painful experiments and then train and damn near mindcontrol the children into going and killing the kid'. You don't talk about plans for making more, you don't talk like when the chips are down the big problem is the kid might get in your way, or like the kids you've sent out to kill him are still in training.

These fuckers had Intentions and Plots and they got completely dismantled before we could get an actual answer on what they were longterm.

[frenchphobic]

long fucking post on why a c!dream is a shitty person and probably should not have a redemption because it is unpog

honestly i just want to refute dream apologists thats why im making this post. i think that dream as a villain is interesting but i think that trying to make him out to be secretly a good guy is just bad ngl. also /roleplay and all

tw for abuse and mentions of suicide

dream as a villain

dream is a villain. he is chaotic evil according to wilbur, deliberately does not stream to appear less sympathetic (and yet), and is set up as an antagonist to tommy who bears the title ‘hero’. dream is not a good person, no matter how you look at it or try to justify his actions.

‘but he wants to unite everyone to be a big family :((’ the ends dont justify the means believe it or not. having a vaguely positive goal does not excuse the actions you’ve done. it also goes hand and hand with saying dream is correct for punishing tommy the way he did because he acted up. if i socked you across the face and then suddenly said ‘sorry there was a roach on ur face’ does that make it okay? probably not i still punched you, enacting an unnecessary amount of violence. thats a very simple analogy i will admit and there are more complex comparisons. another example off the top of my head is say a child just scribbled all over you walls with crayons. would hitting them be a justified answer? if u said hes thats really fucked of u go seek help u loon. violence as a punishment is very toxic, just because it gets the job done does not mean it is okay. at the end of the day, you still committed this act and the harm you caused is real, having a good motive doesnt suddenly make it okay.

‘but tommy causes all of the conflict’ the disk war wasnt even caused by tommy, it was sapnap and then tommy got involved. and the reason why tommy even caused conflict was because of the discs, because he wanted them back. and most of the time there was a level of antagonism from another party, such as schlatt exiling him, dream taking the disks in the first place, dream threatening l’manberg. and if dream wanted to end the conflict so badly, why didnt he just give tommy back his disks? tommy upfront said everything started with the disks, so he wants them back so he could end the conflict. notice how after tommy got his disks back he has been staying out of conflict, apologizing to everyone, and the only bad thing hes done is try to scam people but everyone does that. this would have been the most peaceful option, yet dream chose the path that would further antagonize tommy which then draws everyone else into conflict. why did dream need to have leverage over tommy so badly? why did he want to hold power over tommy so badly? its because of control, and that’s ultimately dreams end goal. sure he wants a big server family, but would said family have a free will?

‘but dream is sad’ the thing is dream is completely at fault for everything that happened to him. he pushed away sapnap (and george ig). he tried to take control over the server and their possessions. literally everything that happened to tommy. literally everything involving ranboo. villains can be sympathetic, i am not arguing against that. but it does not mean that they should be left off the hook. that doesnt mean u should ignore the shit theyve done because ‘oh no theyre sad’ because it doesnt make anything better. dream had this shit coming for him.

now people also skirt around calling dream an abuser. which is fair ig, its a very loaded word. its much easier to say manipulated. that being said, dream can classify as abusive. and no, tommy is not abusive. abuse is about control and a power imbalance. dream has power over tommy, but tommy does not have power over dream, at least not in the way dream does. he’s taking back power to stand up for himself, dream uses power to control.

the reasons i listed for why dream is from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project so if u want a source on that, there you go.

using coercion or threats: dream often threatened tommy, such as the pit thing and often employed violence on him. while normally this could be attributed to Normal Minecraft Player Go Smack. minecraft mechanics cannot always translate to real world since violence is pretty normal in minecraft however we also need to consider the context of the scene. dream gave an order, tommy refused, dream applies violence, tommy submitted. thats why its a threat, it has tangible effects that can correlate to real life.

using intimidation: dream blew up logsteadshire as a punishment. dream also destroyed tommys items anytime he visited. dream also hit tommy with his axe i believe. he killed mushroom henry, one of tommys pets.

Using Emotional Abuse: dream guiltripped the shit out of tommy for just hiding things and pinning the blame on tommy for just wanting his own private items. he definitely played mind games on tommy, pretending to be his friend. honestly i probably dont even need to go as in depth because it was so obvious.

Using Isolation: putting him in exile in the first place. destroying the bether portal so no one could visit tommy anymore. i really dont think i need to expand upon that.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: dream in tommys stream when he got trapped said that exile wasnt that bad. he does shift the blame onto tommy for logsteadshire being blown up, even though dreams reaction was entirely unjustified for not listening and hiding.

Using Economic Abuse: see this is where i attempt to parallel minecraft mechanics to real life. obviously, there is no monetary system in place, so when i mean economic, i will use valuables such as armor, food, etc in place of currency. the idea behind economic abuse is to limit the victim’s resources so that they are dependent on the abuser and cannot escape. dream only really allowed tommy to have the armor he gave him while not giving access to armor so he does not regain a sense of power, and in the prison stream, dream holds all the potatoes which puts him in a position of power over tommy. this argument is more ambiguous i feel cause the whole minecraft mechanics thing is kinda weird so u don’t necessarily have to take this part in.

i feel like i need to emphasize this very strongly because dream is not a good person. abuse cannot and should not be a response to someone. its an awful mentality to have. i just want to prove the point that dream is not a good person, his reasons absolutely do not justify his actions.

what makes a good redemption

redemption arcs are tricky. when done right they are great. when done poorly, its a slap in the face. rn im going to establish a formula to what makes a good redemption with an example.

the most well known example of a good redemption is zuko from atla. first, its the magnitude of what theyve done and why. zuko did commit some shitty actions, since he was in a position of power in the fire nation but its because he is a child being abused and wanted to regain honor. zukos real awful acts was season 1 and the whole betrayal thing. thats not to say that zukos actions suddenly are okay, he did shitty things. but its something that can be traced to a higher entity or seem less malicious then the other villains. the thing also about the magnitude of actions is that there is a certain point of atrocities that there is no redemption. some people simply cannot be redeemed because the actions they commit are so ingrained in their character or the action itself has serious moral issues that it would just be wrong.

the next is acknowleding what they did was wrong. a genuine reflection on the self and analyzing what they did and why it was not okay. zuko realized what he did to uncle iroh was bad for example. he turned his back on his father, realizing he didnt and shouldnt seek acknowledgment from someone as heinous as him. its pointing out your actions and going ‘hey, this wasnt right i should not have done this’ and not even excusing ur actions. its also going straight for the root of the problem and figuring out to stamp it from the source. just because a character is sad does not mean they are reflecting, sometimes they are attempting to garner pity. it has to be direct and clear acknowledgement of the injustice.

and finally, an important part about redemption arcs is the actual redemption part. its when you make amends. zuko made amends with katara by trying to help her get revenge, he fought against the fire nation and tried to make things more peaceful in his rule. he apologized to iroh. an important part of the amends section is that it does have to be a genuine desire to change and become a better person, not to change a person’s perception of you. the thing is u cant expect a person youve hurt to forgive you. you cant expect people to be sympathetic towards you nor should u attempt to make urself sympathetic. u shouldnt be expecting a pat on the back or an award. redemption is about internal and character change.

why dream should not be redeemed

ive already established the key points to a good redemption (imo) but heres where dream falls short. his actions are extremely heavy so redemption may not even really be possible. abuse is not something you can wave off so it does cross to the point of fucked up. acknowledgement of what he did was wrong? all he said was that he changed, yet never explained why he changed or was too vague. he needed to label specifically what he did and bring it up. attempting to make amends? he’s been doing the exact opposite in fact he continues to manipulate tommy and ranboo. its not a genuine change. he is still repeating the cycle and has given no indication of ceasing. at the moment he does not have any signs of redemption.

and the thing is most of the attention around a dream redemption comes from either justifying his motives (which i do want to emphasize does not make anything suddenly okay) and because he is sad in prison sad face. these are not good reasons. its gonna pain me severely to bring this up but snape from harry potter does have some form of sad character ig yet he very much abused his authority to bully children as old as 11 just because he said ‘aight gonna die’ doesnt suddenly make his general bigotry and abuse suddenly okay there is a threshold. again im so sorry for using harry potter as an example none were coming to mind and i needed a popular one i do not like harry potter please dont say i do i would pass away.

and the last thing to consider is the audience. keep in mind that the audience is composed of minors and while yes there are adults, minors are the main component of the fandom. keep in mind that there are quite a few people who can relate to tommys character because they might be in the same position or have gone through his experiences. tell me what kind of message does it send to that audience that abusers can be redeemed. this is not a narrative u should push to this audience in these situations and the writers are seemingly aware of it. remember how in exile tommy spiraled into a suicidal mentality? consider how fucked of a message it would be if he just committed suicide instead of escaping abuse and attempting to recover from his experiences. tommy did an excellent job in not going that route and having a message of ‘it will not get better’. its the same thing here. victims are not obligated to care for or forgive their abuser, and portraying an abuser as sympathetic might fuck with the message a lot, even change their perception in that ‘oh, maybe my abuser was right, maybe they had a reason for treating me the way they did’. this is not to say that every victim watching this will internalize this message, but people also look up to these characters. there can be a degree of influence from the story onto oneself and thats the dangerous part.

conclusion

all in all dream is a shitbag asshole and probably shouldnt get a redemption because it would not be pog thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[teetlesandnimjas]

Sorry in advance

I wouldn’t go as far to say that Mikey’s relationship with his family in 2012 is abusive... but the hitting and constant making fun of him is borderline and DEFINITELY AINT COOL. Listen I relate TOO HARD to the little ADHD boy, and I can say without a doubt that the treatment of him is... ehhhhh. The hitting? Yeah no IM NOT GONNA LET IT SLIDE. It wasn’t intentional for the writing of his brothers to be mean to him, but it’s a little obvious that the people writing this weren’t focused on portraying a healthy family. At least they never had siblings of their own. Yeah siblings tease each other and play fight, but it isn’t this one sided. The problem isn’t that they fight (which they do ALOT OF) it’s that Mikey DOESNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. He gets distracted, he makes mistakes, he talks a lot. He is ADHD-coded and that’s just who he is. He’s a little annoying, sure. A N D??? IS THIS A HUGE PROBLEM??? I know Raph has anger issues but JFC DUDE HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING. Also, Mikey has ALOT of attention seeking behavior, and 1. That isn’t healthy, 2. It only leads to him being hit more, and 3. It’s most likely a direct response to being put down and told to shut up. He never has a chance to even fight back. Like there was one scene where he’s just chilling on the roof, trying to get Raph’s attention, poking him because he’s bored-no biggie, a little annoying but he can’t help it- AND JUST RAPH STRAIGHT UP JUMPS AND PINS HIM. LIKE NO SORT OF TOLERANCE, NO CHILL. AND THEN HE GOES ON TO FORCE HIM TO PRAISE HIM AND SHIT AND IM SITTING HERE, MEGA UNCOMFY. Not cool dudes. And again, it’s all one sided, MIKEY DOESNT DO ANYTHING. Another scene, Raph’s annoyed at Mikey about something and is poking him in the head harshly and repeatedly, making fun of him about SOMETHING. Mikey tries to stand up for himself, and then oh so cautiously, obviously scared, he pokes Raph in the chest very gently. GUESS WHO SNAPS ON HIS ASS AND CHASES HIM? RAPH. Dude you were just HARRASSING HIM. Donnie isn’t any better, and would be a tolerable character (albeit a simp) if it wasn’t for him OVER AND OVER AGAIN IGNORING, YELLING, AND MAKING FUN OF MIKEY. “Don’t touch that you idiot” DUDE JUST BE NICE ABOUT IT. I get it, yeah, it can be annoying. Just, like, LOCK THE LAB DOOR OR SOME SHIT. And the worst thing is when Mikey makes a mistake, does something on accident, or slips up. AND THEY GET MAD AT HIM. MY GOD IT WASNT ON PURPOSE. And it’s not excused because “well they have each other’s backs in the end” or “well Raph is nice to him sometimes” AND ITS LIKE. N,,, NO??? THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE ANYTHING?? In fact it probably makes it worse, and makes it seem more MANIPULATIVE than anything. Whether his brothers actually care about him or not, it isn’t right to only treat him decently “if he deserves it” or he’s in danger. Being nice SOMETIMES doesn’t excuse anything, intact it just makes said victim feel BAD for standing up for themselves. Mikey COULD FIGHT BACK. HE IS STRONG. But he doesn’t, and it hurts me. ITS SO NORMAL TO THEM TO BORDERLINE BULLY HIM. Leo is okay. Leo isn’t awful, but he is just kinda there... chilling... and he does chase Mikey down once or twice. He’s not the worst though. Anyways this escalated more than I wanted it to, I just am really frustrated with the 2012 writing. It’s not bad, it’s whatever. But the family dynamic was so off. I want Rise Raph to hug 2012 Mikey, because yes. Dr. DT better break 2012 Raph’s spine. And then teach him how to PROPERLY cope with anger issues, instead of beating people up to feel superior and powerful. Like Rise Mikey teaching 2012 Raph about different mechanisms, like drawing out frustrations, or cooking aggressively. BUT only after Dr. Delicate Touch breaks his spine. Donnie also gets anger management classes, because OH BOY HE HAD A SHORT FUSE.

[iyliss]

What does ‘destiny’ means for Saiou and Edo.

Honestly, trying to explain precisely and without missings what « destiny » means in season 2 is rather impossible. I will probably forget things, or maybe aspects will contradict themselves somedays but I don’t really care. There’s too much to tell, and right now I will try to focus on exactly one aspect. What do Saiou and Edo means when they talk about destiny. (Also I will use more or less precise quotes and rephrasing, but I can give the specific lines and episodes. I just don’t like how pictures looks on posts like this, and Im really writing this for myself before anyone else). So. What do I mean by all that. The concept of destiny is often used by both Edo and Saiou but it appears that they don’t really put the same exact meaning behind it. Though when they talk to each other they mostly use it in similar way, some other iterations don’t exactly match. For exemple, Edo initially can’t believe Saiou’s predictions may change or turn out wrong, while Saiou treats it rather calmly. Edo also many times iterates that destiny is an immovable object, that humans can’t pretend alter, while Saiou talks a lot about changing it. So. What does it mean for the both of them and why does it hold different meaning ? And please do know that that is just a massive piece text.

First, let’s consider Edo’s meaning. As said, Edo begin by sincerely thinking that destiny is absolutely impossible to change. It’s something that dictate people’s life, but that they can’t escape nor control beyond having some knowledge of it. In his first duel against Judai, he specify that it is something determined at birth, and already is written as such. In a way, it’s a rather god-like concept : all powerful and beyond humans’ reach. I think this all ties in Edo’s inner desire of some kind of absolute justice. In the earliest episodes, Edo sincerely think there’s a difference between exceptionnal people, who were given abilities and an incredible fate to accomplish, and everyone else who can’t ever reach the firsts’ level. It’s a justice in the sense that everyone will receive in measure of their greatness eventually, which is only given and not chosen. It’s also a justice in the sense of good and evil. Edo clearly doesnt believe in any justice system, chasing criminals himself. As such, destiny is the consequences of being an inherently bad person, that any good person (that Edo surely take himself for) has the right to punish. This divine justice destiny influence as such most of Edo’s early personnality. The way he disrespects others, and the way he grows to view Saiou. One of the thing that made him unable to notice the quite morally wrong things Saiou was doing, is because he still believes that there’s a strict limit between good, innocent people, and those who commits crimes. And Saiou can’t possibly be on the second case. It is further strenghtend by the absoluteness of his concept of destiny, potentially projecting that, destiny being always right, Saiou who incarnates it for him must be as well.

As such, Edo’s challenge against destiny was majorly based on accepting that it does not exist, first by breaking the order it had built. It went by having to face that Saiou may not always be right, but also that he may not be as special as he thought. And that’s the part where Judai is possibly able to save Saiou. If it’s Judai, instead of him, then it means for Edo that he is not really exceptional. It means destiny is wrong, and it means rebuilding the fundation of his ego. That’s why Edo stops talking about destiny rather brutally. The moment the rules break, he can’t do much but let go of them. That’s why, when the Light and Saiou still tells him about destiny, he just ignores it. Between the moment he realized his destiny had lost meaning and then, he ended up viewing himself and Saiou as much more whole and human (and also realized believing in destiny hadn’t help him as much as Saiou in himself had).

As for Saiou’s destiny The way he talks about it make it seem a lot less rigid. At the end his goal is to change it, by meeting Edo, then by observing Judai. He accepts the changes he sees and, as seen in his duel against Manjoume, choice is allowed. His is closer to the uncontrollable consequences of things. It’s kind of the meaning of that duel. Around the end, Saiou asks Manjoume to shuffle his deck before he draws the card on top, which will mean Manjoume either win or lose.  Right there, Manjoume both has and has no choice. He can choose when to stop the shuffling but, in the end, not knowing what card is on top, he doesnt really control anything. Choice matters (it is what decides what card will be on top), but having the right card is not really under control. In all that, Saiou is in a position of knowing what card will be drawn, but not how. He knows the outcome, but not the execution. And this situation of knowing the outcome but having little control over the process is how he uses destiny. That’s his « destiny of destruction » : he knows that he will eventually go through this but is rather powerless when it comes to preventing it. Edo is going to save him ? Sure but he doesnt know why or how, the best he can do is make sure he’s in his life. And so on. The predictions can be wrong, the result can change, but there’s always this aspect of not having control on whats to come. It is close to determinism.

When Saiou challenges his own destiny, it’s by managing to not care about it. The main issue that can arise from a certain kind of determism is the thought that people are actually powerless, and everything is just consequences of causes that can’t be control. The only way to get back control , in  Saiou’s situation, is by knowing the causes. That’s pretty much what he does when he tries to find out who will save him, and just about everytime he reads the future. He’s trying to find the causes of the consequences he already knows. That leads him to never really take actions. That’s one of the meaning behind his saying that he is imprisonned by destiny. Knowing it makes it impossible for him to actually think he’s changing anything. This is one main difference between Edo and Saiou’s concept of destiny. An opposition rather meaningful in season 2, between believing and knowing. Edo believed that some people were inherently better than others. It wasnt really based on any truth, and his path was to let go of that belief. Saiou knows the outcoms, it’s not something that can be undone, causality is based on logic and, at the end, it’s pretty much impossible to stop knowing that causes and consequences are a thing. His development is about not caring about it, or not focusing on it. The last thing Edo says about destiny is that he doesnt believe in it. The last thing Saiou has related to that is refusing to listen to the Light talking about serving destiny. So, no longer focusing on what’s to come, including no longer being able to tell the future.

And if you’re wondering, the meaning Saiou gives to destiny in season 4 is a bit different so… I wont really cover it here.

But, there’s something those two meanings have in common. They are the concentration of what both of them used as children to deal with their situation, and importantly filling the absence of adults in their life, and that they projected on a singular concept.

Edo was found lost and alone after his father’s death. He coped mostly by projecting the guidance he lacked onto his cards (leading to being so protective of them), and the idea of destiny brought by Saiou. I’m comparing the two because, while the D Heroes are quite obviously a reminder of his father, his « destiny » can be too as it is heavily based on heroic narratives. At the end of the day, all his talk about people’s fate being written in advance, the difference between the exceptionnal people, the unimportant one, and the evil ones, it’s like a story. Behind all this, there’s still a little boy dealing with loss by projecting himself into a story (inspired by the heroes from his father), where the hero is brave and strong and better than anyone else despise his tragic past, where there are unimportant npcs here to show how great the hero is, and a Big Bad to save someone he loves from. Thinking everything is written makes sense since it’s how stories always goes. At the beginning, Edo is very passionate about destiny, but also about heroes and how those cards are for him alone. His development goes by both accepting that Judai may save Saiou, that he isnt as important as he believed he was, and that heroes can be just fun as well. And it all comes from what he needed as a child : reassurance, justice (that adults couldn’t provide by not finding his father’s murderer), and promise that he had a future and a happy ending. Destiny was a continuation of his father’s legacy, and a way for him to keep building himself despite the lack of adults in his life.

As for Saiou, he pretty much says he used destiny as a survival tool when he was a kid. Especially to stay sane. The first effect destiny had on him was to keep some kind of rationality. The way he uses his power, and talks about destiny, is quite distant. Being able to understand both what was going on for him, and what would happen (his own prediction) has hardly controllable causalities, allowed him to make sense of it. On one side, as someone with more information, distancing himself surely was one of his own coping mechanism. On the other, thinking that there are so many factors leading to something can reduce guilt, especially when it comes to his « destiny of destruction ». Following destiny meant he wasnt in total control, so it wasnt completely his fault. Even if the whole guilt reducing part may not have worked, it did made him strongly feel like he had no real control on his life. That’s how destiny played for him the role an adult would have. Taking responsibility for his life, his action, and organise it. Saiou talks so often about being guided by destiny, as a way to separate himself from decision and actions he shouldn’t have had to take as a child. Interestingly, Saiou is conscious of using destiny like that since he is a child. When he refers to when he met Edo, he does think of it as his own intention, but view them as wrong. Unlike Edo, who’s transition out of destiny was rather brutal, Saiou don’t have a moment of realization. He may have known for a long time that, even if destiny like that isn’t so good to focus on, he won’t really stop. Escaping destiny in a way is not so much about changing what is to come, but letting go of the concept itself.

So I think Im running out of things to say if I want to keep it focus. I hope it makes some sense and interest, it’s hard constantly reminding myself of how the characters are and what they say so I can put down something coherent. I am pretty sure I won’t agree with some stuff in a bunch of week but I don’t really care, at least now some more thoughts are out in the wild.

[ridiculousravenclaw]

The life of Elara Ware - chapter 3

So, funny story. I accidentally shut myself out of this account when I forgot my damn password. Then there was this pandemic and being technically a key worker, that was stress. Then I just started writing other stuff. So yeah, I kinda left this behind, which was a shame because I had a lot planned for it. But anyway here's chapter 3 as I wrote it ages ago and who knows, maybe I'll keep going. FYI I could not be bothered to go back and check it so theres almost definitely a spelling mistake or some grammatical errors. Sorry about it.

The next few days at The Burrow passed far too quickly for Elaras liking. It could be hectic at times with so many of them in one house. A fact Mrs Weasley continuously apologised for. But Elara, so used to being alone, loved the business of life at the Weasleys. She had missed George more than she thought she could. They relished in the time they spent together and, when they were sure no one was around to see, stole as many kisses as they could. With so many of them in the house though the later was practically impossible and more than once their embrace had been broken up my someone walking suddenly into the room. Ron couldn't look Elara in the eye for days after he walked in to find a particularly passionate scene. In fairness it was actually his room.

The fullness of the house had at least meant that they could stage 4 a side quidditch matches in the garden with the Weasleys and Harry. Hermione preferred to watch. When they weren't doing that Elara found she enjoyed chatting with Ginny, who to Elaras great surprise was not as girly or shy as she thought she was. Or talking with the eldest 2 Weasley boys; neither of whom she'd met before and had a number of interesting tales about the twins growing up. Then there was Harry, Ron and Hermione. They were a bit of an unlikely trio and Elara was convinced Ron fancied Hermione, but nether the less they were obviously good friends and Elara enjoyed spending time with them. Especially Harry. She'd always really liked Harry Potter, he didn't want the pitty the world gave him, he just wanted a normal life. Elara found she really respected that. The only person in the house Elara found she clashed with was Percy. Though she got the impression that it wasn't just her he had that affect on. For lack of a better word, Percy was a bit of a snob. Thankfully she rarely saw him as he spent most days at work and often chose to stay late most nights.

It was the last day of the holidays and they were all sat in the living room except for Mr Weasley who still wasn't back from work. Elara had parked herself on the furthest seat from her boyfriend and his twin. There was 2 reasons for this. First it meant she didnt have to resist the temptation of his soft lips whilst everyone was here to see. Secondly it made it far easier to feign ignorance to what the pair were currently doing. As they sat huddled together, talking in hushed whispers. She wasnt entirely sure what they were up to but it was almost certainly to do with Weasleys Wizard Wheezes, something Mrs Weasley highly disapproved of. As she sat alone she found her mind wondering and without meaning to found herself going over the dream she'd had the night before. She couldn't explain why but it had been bothering her all day. It wasn't a scary dream or in anyway disturbing. But Elara found herself shaken up by it none the less. Especially as she was almost certain she'd had that exact dream before.

In the dream Elara was walking through the woods at night. The only respite from the dark provided by the moon as its faint light battled through the thick branche above. She's looking for something but what it is or where she should look remains a mystery. Still she keeps going. Undeterred as the trees and undergrowth becomes denser and more wild. Then all of a sudden she sees a shape moving through the shadows. It slides slowly through the trees towards her until it stops in a clearing ahead. Bathing in the moonlight is a great white fox. Larger than any fox had the right to be and more majestic than any she'd seen. Its pure white coat shining brightly as though lighting up from within. Elara feels a pang of familiarity deep in her heart as she looks into its eyes. She doesn't run or scream. She knows she's safe. The white fox is here to help her, like a mother looking out for her cub. Its gaze is mesmerising and Elara could read the message in its eyes. 'follow me. I'll show you where it is'

"hey! daydreamer! wake up!" Elara was suddenly pulled out of her thoughts to find the whole room staring at her. She shakes herself mentally, uncomfortable by the sudden attention on her.

"sorry" she said trying to laugh it off dismissively "miles away"

"whatcha thin huh in abou?" asked Ron mid yawn. Elara sighed

"that out of all Georges siblings I like you the least" she said dryly

"really?"

"no" she says with a smile, earning a few laughs. Ron a few seconds behind the others before he got the joke.

Suddenly his face changed

"woah!" he said, staring at Elara in amazement.

"what?" Elara said. she suddenly felt a bit self conscious.

"your eyes are different colours!"

"oh" She giggled breathing a sigh of relief. "you've just noticed? really? how long have I known you?"

Everyone was laughing again

"what. have they always been like that?"

"yes!" everyone else said in chorus.

"Since I was a baby Ron. what did you think I did it deliberately? I got bored one day and coloured one in with a sharpie?"

Ron made a face somewhere between confusion and embarrassment.

"what's a sharpie?" Ah, Elara thought. muggle reference, complete miss.

" Well we all know ickle Ronnie kins is a complete idiot at the best of times. "Said George as he crossed the room and squeezed on the armchair next to Elara before pulling her onto his lap.

"what is a sharpie?" he added to her at a whisper. Elara smiled and shook her head dismissively. The rest of the room going back to their individual conversations.

"muggle stuff" she answered

"Ah. well then whatever you do, dont mention it in front of dad. he'll get all excited and interrogate you again." George said as he started rubbing small circles onto her hip with his thumb. Elara couldn't help but smile at the gesture.

"oh stop it hes not that bad. " She said rolling her eyes.

"yes he is, remember when you mentioned the cinema?" Elara laughed. She did remember that. It had taken her the best part of an hour to explain the concept to Mr Weasley.

"Anyway. Don't be so mean to your brother, as I recall it took you months to bloody notice." George looked blank for a moment.

"notice what?" he asked

"my eyes!"

"oh" he remarked, realisation dawning.

"it wasnt months was it? maybe a few weeks" Elara was giggling now, enjoying the slight embarrassment creeping into George's cheeks.

"nope definitely months. it was around Christmas time. remember? you thought I'd done it with magic to be all christmassy. Though how that's a christmassy thing to do I dont know."

"oh. yeah. well... that's only cause I'm not a weird person who stares at pretty girls eyes" George said, mockingly batting his eyelids at her. Elara grinned fondly at him, then leaned forward and left a light peck on his lips.

"Yeah you are."

"a couple of months is good for him" Fred said " George didn't realise we were identical until we were 7" Elara started slightly having not realised Fred had come over. He was sat on the floor next Charlie looking amused.

"in fairness that's not so obvious as I have always been way better looking than you." George retorted quickly.

Both twins sniggered and Elara noted that even their laughter was the same.

"did we mention he's delusional? sure you want him El?" Fred said

"Oh someone sounds jealous to me. Don't worry Fred I'm sure we can find a girl to take pity and go out with you"

Elara could tell this verbal tennis wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

" *cough* testosterone *cough* "

"oh look your fathers coming" Mrs Weasley suddenly announced getting everyones attention. Sure enough the hand on the grand father clock which bore mr Weasleys likeness had moved and now pointed at travelling. Then it moved once more settleing with the other hands on home. At the same time the door opened and Mr Weasleys voice could be heard from the kitchen. Mrs Weasley scuttled out to greet him. With the others distracted by this Elara inexplicably found her mind once again wondering back to her dream and the White Fox. Its magnetic familiar eyes drawing her in.

"you okay?" George said quietly. Wrapping his arms around Elara protectively and pulling her back to the present.

"yeah of course" She said trying to sound as casual as possible. George wasnt convinced. He knew her far too well and having shared it with him that morning knew what she was thinking about.

"It was just a dream you know El. I know it was a bit freaky. But it cant hurt you" he said, squeezing her arm reassuringly. That's just the thing, she thought, it wasn't scary to me. But she smiled at him appreciatively.

"I know"

[abitofafatass]

11-17-14 Grif and Kaikaina ( @bluegrif) (hsau)

Abitofafatass asked:  ((brother/sister angst ahoy!)) What did you do?

abitofafatass

My muse visits yours in hospital.

“Grif?” Kai asked, leaning in the door. She wasn’t exactly sure what happened, but once she heard her brother was in hospital, Kai hauled ass. What did she do? More like what did he do? It was Simmons- she thinks- that told her that Grif was in hospital, but she doesn’t remember. Kai sat down and stared, confused and emotional. “What the fuck, Grif?”

-

Grif had a rather sour look on his face, and had one leg propped up in a cast. “I didn’t do anything. Some dickhole thought it was going to be funny to loosen the front tire of my bike before we started riding them.” But that didn’t seem to be the only reason he was here. They didn’t hook that many machines up to someone with only a broken leg. Also, he’d already been here a night. Didn’t they normally send people home once the cast was on?

She tried to put her hands on her hip, bumping her elbows an casually moving them back, her point failed. “Okay, but did you like, make him?” Kai tried. “Did you fuck with his shit first?” She leaned back, taking it in. “Can I draw on your cast when we get home? Cause, you’re all patched up, and there is nothing you can do to stop me.” She paused. “Wait, when are you coming home? I don’t see a release date���”

-

“No I didnt make him! I guess he thought it was a joke or something. Or maybe he was trying to get brownie points with Sarge…” Grif shrugged, and then bit his lip. “Well… I might not be getting out of here for a while, Sis. Turns out that my kidneys suck major cock, so… Gonna have to wait for a transplant…” In a way, it had been kind of a happy accident. Having to go to the hospital caught the problem before it started to actually get really bad. But that also put him at a low priority on the transplant list.

-

She frowned. “Awww, Grif! Why don’t you look after yourself? I mean… you look after me…” That deepened the frown. Since their mother fucked off, he had taken good care of her, and it was kinda upsetting that he hadn’t done the same for himself. “How many do you need?”

-

“Like, one working one.” He shrugged, “I guess they’ll see if you’re a match since we’re siblings, but it’ll suck since then you’ll only have one, and shit.” He leaned over to pull her into a hug, “Dont worry, ok Sis? It’ll be fine.”

-

“Just one?” She asked, practically squeezing her brother. “I mean, we only need one, right? Each, So I guess you could have mine. If it fits.”

-

He laughed, “It doesnt quite work like that, but yeah, thats the idea.” Grif rubbed her back comfortingly. “You gonna be ok at home by yourself?”

-

“Pfft, obviously. I’ll be fine, we have plenty of frozen shit. And it doesn’t take a genius to work the oven, right? I mean you do it every night.”

-

“Just dont forget about the food in there. And if the smoke alarm goes off, dont just unplug it because its annoying.” Grif was going to need to make a list of everything she needed to watch for, now that he thought about it. “Maybe I should just have someone stay with you.”

-

“Ew. No. You’ll pick Sarge or Simmons.” She wrinkled her nose. “I can be fine at home. Trust me. I swear I won’t have any wild parties again. At all. Not even a little one.”

-

“Like fuck I’m letting Sarge in my house.” Grif shook his head, mimicking her distaste. “Whats wrong with Simmons? Sure, he’ll make you healthy food, and try and make you do your homework… Actually, Simmons wouldnt be a bad idea.”

-

“No, no. He’s really dorky. No.” She pouted. No way was she letting Simmons in the house without Grif. He’d rearrange everything. Alphabetically. “Oh hell no. If Anyone, Make it Tucker, or Donut!”

-

He gave her a long look, “No. If I let Donut stay with you, I’d come home to a redecorated house by Martha Stuart or some shit. And if I let Tucker stay… Its best if you two arent even in the same room alone.”

-

“-But Simmons is your friend, and he’s not even the hottest.” She pouted. Okay, maybe Donut would take house sitting a little too seriously. And Tucker… Well, she wasn’t that smart, be she knew what her brother was getting at. Fucking like rabbits. It wasn’t even surprising. “Well, What about Church? He’s not really that good-looking, and he’s boring as shit? Or Caboose..?”

-

“Ok, maybe Church or Doc,” Grif conceded. Having Caboose over would be like the blind leading the blind. “Church is kind of a prick, and probably wont do that much, but I think he’ll manage to keep you out of too much trouble, and make sure the bills get paid on time.” He tucked a bit of hair that had gotten in Kaikaina’s face behind her ear and smiled. “Hopefully it wont take too long before I’m back home.”

-

“No way! Not Doc.” She retorts. “I don’t him doing all that pilates shit, or eat organic stuff. Gross.” She sighed. “fine. Church or Simmons.” A moment later, she gave a small smile. “You better get better soon, you know.”

-

Grif nodded, “Of course I will. And I’ll see if Simmons can stay with you soon. It might take a little convincing to get Church to do anything.” Now that that was settled, he leaned back in his hospital bed and relaxed. “So, how was school?”

-

“It sucks dicks.” She replied. “You won’t believe this, but they kicked me off the cheerleading squad again.”

-

“Really?” He heaved a huge sigh, “What happened this time?” How many times did this make? He couldnt remember.

-

“It’s the third, or the fourth. I can remember, but they were really bitchy.” The was an aggravated sigh. “Oh well, I guess I’ll just join the nerd club or something.”

-

He gave her a long look, “I’m sure there’s other clubs you can join. I don’t think the nerd club is ready for your type of awesome.” Or ready for a girl to be in their midst at all, really.

-

“No.. But I’ll be bored sitting at home.” She replied. “I mean I could invite people over, but Simmons will have an aneurism or something.”

-

“Simmons has an aneurysm every four minutes anyways.” Grif shrugged. “No wild parties. Dont do anything that would get you in a hospital bed, or the clinic.” She knew what he meant.

-

“Really? Maybe he should be in hospital too!” Kai gave a sigh. Crossing her fingers. “Fine. No parties. And no… Other stuff… Not like Simmons will let me anyway.” The last part grumbled.

-

That made him laugh, “I don’t think Simmons gets the whole talking to girls thing. He’d probably faint if you were just walking around in a bikini.” Besides, he was pretty sure that Simmons wasnt as straight as he made it seem (no he was not just hoping for his own sake).

-

“No shit. But It’ll be funny, so I’ll record it and take it in to show you. Maybe it’ll help your fucked up kidneys. Or made you giggle… And you totally know which one I’m talking about..”

-

He grinned and nodded, “Just make sure you dont kill the poor asshole. He may be a nerd, but… he’s not the worst guy in the world.” Grif felt bad for Simmons, almost. But what were friends for if not to take care of promiscuous younger siblings?

-

Kai wouldn’t be that bad. Not enough to kill him, obviously, because she didn’t want to go to prison. BUt that wasn’t the point, he seemed okay, but he was kinda a stickler for rules. And Kai, if not anything else, was one for breaking them. “Sure. No murder. Totally got it.”

-

“Good.” he nodded, and pulled her close for a hug again. That should take care of just about everything, he thought. “Sooo…” Grif started, “Anything, or anyone new in your life?” He may be taking care of her, but he was also her nosy older brother.

-

She raised a brow. “You wanna talk about boys?” That was new..

-

“Why not? Its not like I have anything better to be doing.” He was purposefully ignoring the stack of binders Simmons had left him that contained school work that he was going to miss.

-

“Awesome.” She replies, grabbing a marker and taking it to the cast. “Well, you know about Tucker. I mean that guy isn’t the worst I’ve had -  You remember that last one right?” Kai spoke loudly, working with the pen.

-

“You mean the one I told you was bad news, but you said he had a cute ass so it didnt matter?” He couldnt see what she was drawing from here. At least he could trust her to not draw too many dicks.

-

“Yeah, him! He was kinda cute. I suppose Tucker is better. Well, he seems kinda desperate, but it’s cool. He’s nice really.” She nods, writing ‘Kai was here.’ In block caps.

-

“As much as it pains me to say it, Tucker is the better option of the two of them,” and that really was difficult to say. At least he was sort of friends with Tucker.

-

“Yeah. I think that guy does hard drugs now.” She smiled, finishing up a drawing of a smiley-faced dick with a hat.

-

“Yeah… I think now would be the time that I say stay the fuck away from that.” Grif nodded, craning to see what she was drawing. “Awesome. That looks absolutely awesome.”

-

“Thanks! I called it Simmons… Cause his name is Dick, right?” She grinned. “But yeah. Not cool. Not hot.”

-

Grif snorted, and leaned forward to give her a high five. “Nice one! And nice choice. You usually dont get over someone like that this fast. Could it by my baby sister is finally growing up?”

-

She slapped his hand and grinned. “Ain’t I just?… And I’m not a baby. You’re like…. Only some years older than me. But Yeah. And that means I don’t have to be baby sat, right?” Truth be told she wouldn’t mind an extra person wandering around the house whilst Grif was gone.

-

“I’m still gonna ask someone to stay with you, just because I know otherwise the bills wont get paid, and then you’re going to complain that you dont have any lights. Or food because the fridge would be broken.”

-

“Yeah, yeah. I know..” She pretended to pout. “Suppose it could be awesome for you to come home to a place tidy and that.”

-

“I think it’s going to have to be when I get those transplants done anyways…” Grif shrugged.

-

“Still, that’s plenty of time for him to clean up the whole entire house.” She grinned before adding. “-And I bet he will.”

-

He laughed, “He’ll clean and actually like doing it. Why do you think I suggested he stay with you?”

-

“Yeeahh. But Donut likes that shit too. And he’s not as… Obsessive. ”

-

“Yes and no. Donut may not be as big a neat freak, but I bet you anything he’ll want to redecorate, and paint and shit. Be a lot more work in the long run.”

-

“As long as its him working, why would you care….” She paused. Donut seemed to favour ‘lightish-red.’ “Okay, fair point.”

-

“Yeah…” he nodded, “I know it wouldnt make much difference to you, but I do not want to come home to a pink house.”

-

“What, why?! You’re hurt. Why do I still have to do homework?”

-

Grif gave the stack of binders on his bedside table a sour look. They seemed to be multiplying already. “I dont get out of classwork either, you know. Some dickhead thought that he was helping by getting the work I’ll miss.”

-

“…Is it the same dick that’s on your leg…” Kai asked, he would get it. “I don’t wanna. Maybe I can talk Simmons into doing it all too.”

-

“Kaiii,” he whined, “You cant do that when that’s what I was gonna try to do! I’m the sick one here! And yes, its the dick on my leg.”

-

“Well, we can both do it. He can practice with mine, then do yours afterwards. See, easy? How else was I gonna pass Algebra?”

-

“I don’t think Simmons is going to think like that. I think he’s going to think this is the perfect opportunity to tutor you.” He smiled, “I think its kind of a good idea.”

-

“Urgh… Don’t go all ‘Mother bird’ on me, Bro. Not cool.” Kai shook her head. “When do I get tested?”

-

Grif just laughed, “I’m still your big brother, no matter how cool I am.” Then he grew a little more serious. “I’ll make an appointment for you this weekend so you dont miss anything for school. Or anything else important.”

-

She rolled her eyes. “You’re such a dork, you know that?” OKay, so maybe it was probably better that she stay in school. Simmons would be too, and if she stayed home, there probably won’t be anyone there, unless she convinced Tucker to bunk off. “Okay, fine..”

-

Grif smiled and gave his sister’s hand a squeeze, “Thanks for being willing to go through that for me Kai. Even if we’re not a match, it means a lot to me. I love you.”

-

“Yeah, yeah. You big dork. Ditto.” Kai gave a smile, and nudged her brother with her shoulder. “I mean you would do it for me.. Though mine are probably healthier…”

-

“Probably.” He agreed. “I dont want this to be you in the hospital bed for the same reason a few years down the road, ok? Dont do whatever it was that turns kidneys to shit.”

-

She frowned. “…What does turn kidney’s to shit? I have no fucking idea… But yeah. I’m not going to bust my body, so it’s all cool.”

-

“You know… I actually dont know what does that… They said it was genetic, but I dont know if that means that we both have shitting stuff, or what.”

-

“Nah.. I’ll be fine, Bro. Don’t worry about it, yeah?” Then she sighed. “Trust our mother to fuck us over one last time, I don’t care how cool the circus is, that’s fucking mean.”

-

Grif bit his lip, and shook his head, “… She had to go follow her dreams man. Where else is she going to be able to show off those wonderful talents of hers?”

-

“Yeah, I know.” She agreed reluctantly. “I mean who else can be fa,t and bearded, and a woman all at the same time? I don’t think I can..”

-

“I wouldnt want you to try, either.” Grif laughed. “It seems like it’d be fucking difficult, doesnt it?”

-

[relativelyanonymousgirl]

My blog

It’s time for some changes around here. Well, not actually around here, you’re probably not gonna notice anything. As usual, the work has to be done inside my brain regarding this blog. And I’m taking you along for the ride. ‘

So I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks and this is why. When I started my blog I was in the positive part of the sinus wave that is my life. I was feeling good. I was feeling inspired. I was feeling motivated. And although I still had a lot of drama in my head surrounding my blog, it was a lot less drama then during the negative parts of my sinus ways or even just the parts where the derivative is negative. You can ignore that. 

Furtermore, this blog is dedicated to things that I know and have learned about the mental health journey and when you’re in one of those bad periods you’re not learning much and your brain isnt really enjoying thinking about it when you do. So coupled with some fear of failure issues regarding the act of blogging itself. Well I wasnt blogging. 

Now I could give you a lot os reasonable excuses and you’d probably believe them like I would. Examples are the ones I gave above but the thing is. The only thing I need to blog is a laptop and an idea. And even though I am in a bad period and I’m learning less, I’m still learning. I’ve got about one of those realisations per day so technically I could write a blog post per day. 

So I tried. I was grinding, work hard play hard and all that shit. It didnt work well. I wrote that post about the ‘messy middle’ and although I am happy i did that and that was all I could manage at that point it’s not really the content that I made this blog for. Now this is a no-rules blog (to battle my fear of failure) so its allowed to be there and all that, but it’s not my intention to write those type of posts. 

This is what I believe. Everywhere you feel resistance in your mind, there is a problem that you can solve by working on your brain. It’s a problem you cant (okay probs you can but its gonna take you soo much more energy and pain, not worth it) solve by simply grinding. I was feeling resistance in my mind about blogging and I tried to solve it by grinding, it didnt work and felt really wrong as well. Like writing that one blog post did not feel great.

It comes down to what I wrote in my last post. You have a subconcious, negative belief (unknown at this point), but you notice the symptoms, which often means experiencing resistance (you don’t feel like writing for your blog) then your brain offers The Excuse or The Excuses (writing a blog is not easy, I haven’t had any good realisations in a while, my brain isn’t tuned to realisations bc I feel bad and also dude, I feel bad, leave me alone). They’re probably all true and theorethically all valid reasons. But they’re not your reason. Your reason is the subconcious negative belief you have about yourself and writing this blog. 

So I have been having some subconcious negative belief(s) about my blog. For me, these usually have to do with fear of failure, which apperently has been with me for my whole life unlike my other mental health.. issues. So I’m scared that the posts that I wrote wouldn’t be as good as the posts that I wrote when I felt good. And when I felt good I had the right mindset about blogging, which for me is that at this point I’m just blogging to find my voice and after that learn how to write a good blog and just see what issues come up and battle. 

I feel resistance around having a public blog and I’m trying to expand my comfort zone (I’ll write about expanding your comfort zone vs stepping out of it later) by taking the biggest step in the right direction that still feels comfortable (also a superimportant concept, I think I wrote about this already some time ago). Which is writing a private blog. 

So I actually started writing and I was amazed at how good the stuff that I was writing was. Like not form-wise, I’m just rambling, but content-wise. And that’s where the perfectionism/fear of failure kicked in. 

One technique that I use to feel my resistance and imagine the size of the resistance is to compare the acitivty that I have a hard time doing to a similar acitivty that I find very easy. In my previous blog post I compared learning about computers, which I was unable to do, with learning about psychology, which I’m very good at. In this post it is writing for my blog, which I haven’t done in two weeks, compared to writing in my journal. I almost completely fill up an entire notebook per month. 

This technique is helpful because you can’t trust your brain. It believed The Excuse and even after you realise that that belief isn’t entire gone. If it was you could just start doing the activity that you felt resistance for. You cant, the resistance is still lingering and so is a little of your negative belief. For me, right now, this means that I know I’m not writing because of the negative belief but I think that if I’ve worked away the negative belief i would feel comfortable writing like three posts in a week maybe. Even though i could write on my blog equally much as in my journal which is at least one time a day. (when i wrote that i would feel comfortable writing three posts in a week I already got that little sliver of fear from my mind that goes ‘no you cant! I dont want to think about this! your posts won’t be good enough!).

Okay so I now know a. I have a problem b. my Excuse and c. the size of the resistance (which means i know what to work towards).

So let’s get to the juicy stuff. The negative subconscious thought. Okay I’m drawing up a blank. That’s okay, it happens. you gotta work with what you got. If you can’t turn the negative belief into words and it’s not entirely necessary, then just dont. The reason I know it’s not entirely necessary is because I’ve already got the solution in my head (it’s still a bit vague but I’ll work it out more). In fact I’m already exercising the solution, which you might have noticed by the fact that this is the second post I am writing today.  

You might be reading my blog (right, all those 0 followers am i right) and you’re trying to employ the little techniques and stuff that I tell you and you draw up a blank. That’s okay, it happens to me ALLL the time. I know what the next step is, but I cant figure it out. For example, I might feel some resistance and know something is ‘off’, but I don’t know exactly what feels off, I dont know my negative subconcious belief or my Excuse and I’m just not getting anywhere. In this case I know enough about my negative belief that I can work futher (it’s about fear of failure/perfectionism and has to with that I want my posts to be perfect or at least good enough or at least as good as the previous ones. I am viewing my blog as an end-result (good posts!) and means of validation (see, I am smart) instead of as a means (I am learning how to blog, mistakes are part of the process).

But sometimes you don’t. And that can be frustrating. Now the thing is, the brain is so immensely powerful, especially the subconcious part. So just let that part figure it out (I do this all the time, a genuine life hack). Now how do you do that? You already did. Your subconcious brain can only work on thoughts that you’re not trying to run away from AND that you are concious of. So the moment you realised there was some resistance and there was something off and you wanted to know what, this thought was added to your knowledge base and your subconious can start working on it. 

How does that work? not so sure, but it probably has something to do with sleep (where you solidify memories and somehow make connections between the new concepts you’ve learned and all the old ones) and just your brain associating at other times. Let me explain that last part. Imagine your thought is x and the solution is y. Now what you’ll want to do is think about x really really hard and try to come up with solutions (maye its z or maybe its p, or q or b) and it won’t work. Instead, you just allow it into your knowledge base and while you go about your day and you encounter new concepts (e, r, a, z, etc) your brain is making associations on its own. At some point you encounter y (the solution remember), Now your brain will associate it with x. tadaa! solution. But if x hadn’t been in your knowledge base, your brain would never have connected the two. 

Right let’s get back to the original post. I was talking about The negative subconscious belief and then made a detour to explain why it is okay if you can’t figure that one out exactly or at all. In this case its a “can’t turn it into words, but I know enough to work (at least partly) on the solution”. And the Negative belief is about perfectionism, as I also explained above. Now the solution for me is to start viewing my blog as I view my journal. The way I view my journal is that it’s not about what I write or the quality of what I am writing. That is not important at all, it’s about what the writing does to me, which is it helps clarify my thoughts. Now it’s a little different with my blog. Whereas I do not have an end-goal with my journal, I do have an end-goal with my blog, because I would like to end up with good quality posts. However, the way to get there is not to try to write good-quality posts at this point. 

So I used to think that the most important hurdles of writing my blog would be a. my perfectionism and b. my ability to explain the concepts in a way that it constitues good blog posts. But also I didn’t know shit about writing blogs, since I was an absolute beginner. That’s how it’s supposed to be and it means that you’re gonna encounter hurdles that you couldn’t imagine before you started writing. Obviously. Now although my fear of failure/perfectionism is probably #nr 1, I am battling that by changing the way I view my blog. And here is the new ‘hurdle’ that I’ve discovered: i can’t write posts where I explain the concepts I come up with eloquently, because I dont think about my concepts eloquently either. i dont have some kind of organised mind palace up there. It’s more like an abandoned dungeon and I only got this crappy flashlight that turns off halt of the time and sometimes I glimpe a concept and I try to hold on to it with all my might. But I don’t know much about it and I also don’t know how it connects with the other concepts in my head. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess.

I’d like to create some order in that chaos. One way to do this is by writing about the concepts. First off, you’ll learn more about the concept itself as you write, secondly it’ll start to make more sense since you’re ordering your thoughts and thirdly, which at this point I’m most interested in, you’ll make connections with the other concepts in your mind. For example, this blog post was just supposed to be about how i’m gonna change my brain to write more, but half of it is dedicated on how to let your subconcsious (yes I still cant write that word, fuck off) work for you. That certainly doesn’t make for a quality blog post but it does make for more order in my head. 

So let’s summarize: at this point in time these are the three main hurdles I have in getting towards my end-goal, which is writing good quality posts. The hurdles are #1 perfectionism, #2 eloquent writing, #3 having order in my mind about the concepts I write about. Now the eloquent writing will solve itself by me writing a lot. Writing is a skill and I’m practicing it. (it’s not that easy, there’s brain-changing involved here too, maybe I’ll write a blog post about that too someday). The perfectionism is ‘solved’ by changing the way I view my blog-posts: not as end-products but as a means to... create order in my mind about the concepts I write about, which is how I’m working on hurdle #3. 

There you go. A little insight in how I’m learning how to blog. And basically how I think too. I need to go eat breakfast now or I’d try to summarize the whole post a little more. Maybe in my next post. See ya.