#if youre wondering why i used this group in particular its because i felt that theu would be very chaotic

[bonefall]

Warrior Bites: Dietary Needs

[ID: A fish carcass, bird carcass, and mouse carcass on a stone slab.]

Are you wondering how much prey a Clan needs a day? What they should eat to stay healthy? Why food processing is useful at all? All the answers to these questions and more, contained within a general guide to dietary needs for your Warrior Cats!

As an obligate carnivore, a cat's entire diet revolves around processing meat. More specifically, the ideal diet should be 55% protein, 45% fats, about 1% to 3% carbs, with the remainder being various micro-nutrients. You can expect the average 10-pound warrior to need 350 calories per day, about 3.5 mice on average.

I've also included a section talking about obesity, which dives into how canon's depiction of it is both harmful fatphobia and wouldn't make sense from a cat perspective. It also discusses obesity in realistic cats; and how you're free to choose the realism on that aspect.

Below the cut;

Caloric Intake

Nutrition

Food Processing

On Obesity

Caloric Intake

The general rule for how much a cat needs to eat is that an active, non-neutered tom will need about 35 calories per pound of their own body weight, per day, just to remain the weight they are.

That means that the average warrior, assuming they are 10 pounds, will need 350 calories a day.

Kittens, pregnant and nursing cats, and large warriors will need to eat more than average. Neutered cats, elders, and clerics/medcats will eat less. There are calculators online for determining how much an individual will need, but you can estimate how much an entire Clan will need just by taking 350 and multiplying it by population!

Assuming the average population is about 30 cats, that's 10,500 calories to feed a Clan for a day! To put that in perspective, that many calories would feed 7 large humans. If you felt like fighting a group of angry cats to steal their day's worth of mice, I mean.

Generally speaking, land prey will have a caloric value around 5 calories per gram. Aquatic prey is significantly lower, around 4 calories per gram. Birds will be just below 6 calories per gram. To find out how many cats a piece of prey will feed, or how many pieces a cat will need that day, take the category and multiply by the prey's weight in grams.

So for example, the average house mouse is 20 grams and it is land prey, meaning its caloric value is around 100 calories! A warrior will need 3 and a half mice a day to stay healthy, and a Clan will need 105 mice daily to support 30 cats.

105 mice may seem like a lot, but remember that a wild rabbit is 1,800 grams on average which means 9,000 calories. 2 big pieces of prey will feed the whole Clan, with leftovers.

Those estimates include every part of the animal. Cats eat organs, small bones, and even skin. Skeletal muscle, or "fillets" in reference to fish, is so low in calories that it's typically somewhere between 1 kcal to 1.5 kcal per gram. That's what you're buying in the supermarket; but wild animals don't usually cut their food into choice strips.

(unless you're writing a clan that does food processing of course!)

QUICK FACTS

Average warrior will need 35 calories per pound of weight

10 pound warrior needs 350 calories a day

350 x 30 cats = 10,500 calories to feed a Clan for a single day

Birds provide the most calories per gram, land prey the middlemost, and aquatic prey the least.

Calculate calories in prey by taking the weight, converting to grams, and multiply by 4, 5, or 6 depending on broad category.

If you're having trouble feeding a Clan on small animals, look at bigger prey like rabbits and trout.

Muscle fillets are inferior to organ meats and have a much lower caloric value.

Nutrition

Not all food is the same. The more important thing to consider about any particular meal is NOT its calorie count, but its nutritional value. This is especially important to cats because protein is not stored as fat. If the body has no immediate use for it, it's flushed out.

Since cats should not eat more than 3% carbs, ALL of their fat stores will need to come from fat.

The ideal piece of meat would be at least 55% protein and 45% fat. Every individual species will have a different ratio, and more importantly, individual cuts will have a different ratio.

Skeletal muscle has a higher ratio of protein to fat. Organ meat, also sometimes called "offal," will have a more balanced ratio. That said, nearly all meat skews towards protein. PURE fat is very hard to find on the sorts of animals Clan cats hunt, and must be carefully divided, collected, or processed to make sure all warriors are getting proper nutrition.

I'll be going more in-depth with dietary fat at some other time, as this guide is meant to just be an overview! Just know that some Clans will need to eat MORE food to stay healthy because of this.

Cats need more than the "macronutrients" to stay healthy. They can't JUST rely on the juiciest cuts of meat to keep their health intact, they also need several vitamins and minerals to support their body functions, and avoid getting a deficiency.

Here's some of the important micronutrients, where to get them, and what happens they don't get enough;

Vitamin A: Livers, mealworms, eggs This is one of the most important micronutrients in a cat's body, used for practically everything. Without this, their coats will grow dull, and their joints stiff, and they'll start to go night-blind. In a severe state, they'll start to lose the ability to heal skin lacerations and die. Pregnant cats and kittens need more of this than usual, but it IS also possible to get vitamin A poisoning from getting too concentrated of a dose.

Calcium: Bones, eggs With a calcium deficiency, the warrior will feel stiff and sore, and experience painful muscle spasms. Most cats will simply crunch the bones of small prey and never have to worry about this, but if your cats cook or scavenge, they have to be told to NEVER eat the bones of a roasted bird. Because bird bones are hollow and cooking makes them brittle, they can splinter and cause fatal internal bleeding.

Thiamine: Trout, boar meat, mealworms, eggs Called a Fish Seizure because raw carp and raw bream contains thiaminase, which will destroy thiamine in the body. Lack of thiamine will cause neurological issues, such as the aforementioned seizures, general confusion, memory loss, and muscle weakness. This can be counterracted by eating trout, which is so high in thiamine that there's a theory that carp evolved it specifically to eat salmonids better.

Potassium: Trout, boar meat, mealworms, eggs As cats get older, they begin needing a lot more potassium for their bodies. It's a very common micronutrient found in most meat, but elders should get the first bite of special snacks "out of respect" which helps keep their potassium level up. Without it, they become very weak.

i feel like that evil struthiomimus from land before time with how many times i typed eggs

QUICK FACTS

The ideal ratio of a cut of meat is 55% protein 45% fat

Organ meat > Muscle meat

Micronutrients are important

But micronutrients can also cause poisoning if, somehow, they're too concentrated (very hard to come across concentrated micronutrients without the science of chemistry tho. Like if a cat swallowed a vitamin gummy.)

Food Processing

"Food Processing" is when you do something to your food before you eat it. Just a little bit of care is going to go a LONG WAY when it comes to health of the warrior.

Cats that eat raw meat the way canon warriors do are almost guaranteed to get worms. Roundworms, hookworms, and tapeworms are all passed through the infected tissue of rodent prey, and in fish, roundworms, tapeworms, and flukes can pass through raw meat.

All parasites do something a little different, but most digestive worms aren't fatal unless the cat is sick or a kitten. However, nearly ALL of them screw around with digestion, making the cat need to eat more just to stay healthy, or causing stomach irritation. Some of them can even pass in milk, infecting a suckler's nursing kits.

The easiest way to reduce this kind of infection is simply to slice the prey open from mouth-to-butt, Tigerstar-style, and hook and lift out the GI tract before eating. There's nothing in that worth eating raw anyway. It can just be discarded, or cleaned out and used to case tiny sausages! But it's only a reduction; there's still a risk of catching worms from raw meat.

There's also always the possibility of getting salmonella poisoning.

Many believe that cats are immune to this, but that's not true! Carnivores just have a shorter GI tract than omnivores and herbivores, so salmonella spends less time in their gut and ergo has less chance of causing an infection. It still happens, ESPECIALLY when cats hunt songbirds.

Nothing can be done about salmonella in raw meat, besides eating it as quickly as possible. It's innate to the bodies of birds and reptiles, and usually found on raw eggs too.

Some animals are small enough to be dried and carried around as rations, such as minnows or grasshoppers. Others could be sliced up into strips, and marinated in spices like valerian or catmint for an extra boost of energy. It could also be worthwhile to cut the pelt off a particularly soft animal, like a mole, to dry and keep as bedding material.

All of the above examples of food processing are possible without fire, but if your cats DO have fire, they will have a DRASTIC increase to the quality of their health.

Such as;

Cooking will almost completely eliminate those foodborne parasites. Their eggs don't survive extreme heat.

No more salmonella poisoning! GONE! Cooking is the only way to eliminate this!

It can increase caloric absorption from anywhere between 20% to 50%. Our example warrior who needed 3.5 mice a day could suddenly need one less mouse; and even a meager 20% drop in how much the entire Clan needs saves 2,400 calories a day. 24 whole mice!

I HAVE TO STRESS HOW BIG THAT IS. You save anywhere from 2/10 to 5/10 successful kills.

Thiaminase is destroyed by cooking, making bream and carp healthier and reducing "fish seizures."

It allows for fats to be processed and stored as tallow, lard, and oil, so it can be added to other dishes to make them both healthier and tastier.

Most food preservation requires fire in some way; by heating, jellying, boiling, etc. The only other two ways to reliably store food is by having access to a ton of salt, which is hard for most non-coastal clans to acquire, or vinegar, which is so acidic it's a notorious cat-repellent.

While cooking can also destroy some micronutrients, its benefits FAR outweigh any potential "strengths" of raw food. Destroying micronutrients is also not always a bad thing; as TOO MANY micronutrients can cause poisoning. Fire-using Clans will be more likely to "seek" micronutrients than non-fire Clans as a result, though they probably won't recognize the science behind a hankering!

QUICK FACTS

Worms. Basically unavoidable if your cat's eating like a canon warrior.

Some parasites can spread through milk.

Slicing and lifting out the GI tract can significantly reduce the chance of catching worms.

Salmonella can only be eliminated with cooking

Cooking will drastically increase the quality of a Clan's health, if your cats are advanced enough to figure out fire.

Warriors need to hunt a LOT less prey, and can store that prey, if they have fire.

Fire-using Clans will intentionally try to put more types of food in their diets and get 'cravings.'

On Obesity

Warrior Cats is not a realistic series. The boundary that any particular writer draws between humans and warrior cats is completely arbitrary. The series itself follows no sense of realistic genetics, regularly shows the cats using herbs that would poison them, and gives the characters human-centric morals like monogamy and paternal involvement.

So when it comes to being fatness in your project, please keep that in mind. You do not need too follow realistic cat weight distribution, if that's not what your project about. That said, let me tell you about humans vs cats in this department!

Humans have a massive diversity of weight distribution, with varied genetic predispositions to gaining and losing weight. The shame, bullying, and medical discrimination that comes with fatphobia is a LOT more harmful than being fat itself, and the causes of the "obesity crisis" are ridiculously more complicated than "ppl r snorking 2 much food".

Realistic cats aren't the same way.

When REAL cats are fat, that's VERY bad. It's a sign they are being fed the wrong things by humans, or live somewhere that they are able to eat what they shouldn't. They just don't have that same diversity in fat distribution that humans do. Because of how adipose tissue secretes certain hormones, feline obesity is like a chronic inflammatory disease which can cause arthritis, bladder stones, hepatic lipidosis, and more.

But with that in mind, fatness should be perceived very differently even in the most realistic settings. In comparison to humans;

It is harder for a wild cat to put on weight. Most of what they're eating is raw protein, actively trying to fill the 45% of daily fat intake they need to stay healthy. Protein isn't stored as fat, it's immediately discarded by the body if there is no use for it. A cat would need to be taking an INSANE amount of prey to start becoming dangerously overweight. Housecats are often fed human food, which has carbohydrates. Low-quality cat food will also use carbs as filler. High carb food is VERY bad for them, since they're only supposed to have 3% carbs at most. This is one of the reasons why it's easy for pet cats to become overweight.

Realistic cats don't look start looking overweight until they are significantly obese. Most of their fat is stored around their ribs and internally, unlike humans with our thick hips and round bellies, and they are covered in a naturally sagging pelt of fur. It's not as obvious with them. Visually, weight will be noticed best from a bird's eye perspective, unlike humans where it's apparent at every angle.

Putting on the fat that CAN be acquired is ridiculously important 3.5 raw, whole mice a day, per cat, are needed to fill their basic dietary requirements. There are going to be days or months especially during winter where they might be below that number, and that stored fat is going to be lifesaving. Bulking up is actually a big deal!

So not only is how canon treats overweight characters full of malice, it's full of lazy malice. It makes no sense from a realistic standpoint for wild cats to develop an association between fatness and greed or laziness. It's important, hard work for them to acquire it!

Though the Clans are notoriously xenophobic and kittypets are more likely to be overweight, it still doesn't make sense from a realistic cat perspective to be fatphobic in the same way as canon. It's more likely they'd see fat housecats as having "unearned" weight given to them by humans, like they're cheating, or they might be disdainful of how much junk food they eat, or pitiable because it's a sign of a bad twoleg... or just "sour grapes" variety jealousy ☕.

Bottom line is that there's a LOT you can do here which is better than canon's vicious bullying. The writers just lifted British cultural disdain for fat people and put it into the books. They simply did not think it through.

So please do what they didn't, and just put a little extra thought into how your project is going to view fatness! Consider if fatphobia is even a theme you need in your text.

As stated, you do not even have to write weight in your cats as being realistic in this way! I encourage you to pick and choose what's most fun and fitting for your own work. I personally give my characters a more human weight distribution, simply because I want to spite canon and be more body-positive. I am a fat people and you can take Bumble's big chunky bod from my cold, dead hands.

You can choose to make your work however you'd like, and now with this guide, you can have an easy reference for what your cats should eat! Thank you, StarClan, for this prey <3

[meazalykov]

avoidance

lena oberdorf (romantic) x lea schūller (platonic) x reader

warnings: angst (but there's a hopeful ending)

the crisp air of the training center fills your lungs as you take in the familiar sight of the pitch for the first time since june. its now august and since you’ve won silver in the olympics last month for your country, you’re feeling confident about coming back onto the pitch.

you've been a striker for bayern munich since 2022, and with ewa’s recent departure from wolfsburg to barcelona, you're now recognized as the best forward in the Bundesliga. your teammates look up to you and respect you as much as you love and respect them .

today is different, though. you’ve been through the new season routine once so far, so this is the second. there are new faces joining the team, and this is where you’re the most tense. you love to welcome new players onto the team, but your social anxiety makes you overthink every little detail.

one person who's joining bayern stands out in particular: lena oberdorf, the talented midfielder whos coming from wolfsburg. you know lena well from her reputation on the field, and the amount of times she nearly broke your ankles on the field— which lead to you yelling at her angrily— but she’s also well-acquainted with most of your teammates from the german national team.  so, you hope that you guys can start off on a nice path.

you walk out from the dressing room onto the grassy pitch to see most of your teammates gathered around lena, whos dressed in the red training kits— odd. you’re used to seeing the taller girl in green. however, you push that thought to the back of your mind as you approach lena and the rest of the group, offering a warm smile as the group acknowledges your presence. 

“sorry i’m late, what's going onnnn?” you speak up. at first, you look over to one of your closest friend at bayern, lea. you cross your arms in a natural stance as some of the other girls are relieved at seeing you, wondering if you’d be late. 

“oh nothing much. we have some fresh meat on the team though–” lea says as she lightly punches lena on the shoulders, the ex-wolfsburg player punches her back. this caused a giggle to come out of you awkwardly, as you didn’t introduce yourself to her yet. 

“hey! i’m y/n” you smile as you reach your arms out to hug lena. she smirks at you as you both share an embrace. you felt warm in her arms and she smelled good, like a nice scent of coconut. 

“oh i know you– i’m lena.” she says before pulling away from the hug, which you do the same. all of the other girls have their eyebrows knitted with curious looks as they’re noticing your interactions. 

“welcome to bayern– i’m sorry for the amount of times i’ve started fights with you on the pitch.” you cross your arms again. lena and you laughed at the old memories. 

in one particular game last season— you went to shoot the ball into the goal before you felt a cleat smack into your left ankle. the same left ankle you’ve sprained during international break months before the incident. you fell to the ground in anger, not because of the missed goal but your fear towards a possible ankle injury. after figuring out– from the absence of pain–  that you were okay, you stood up and confronted lena in her face. 

the ref already gave her a yellow card for side tackling your body— but you felt as if you needed to get words in yourself. your teammates pulled you back– with sydney reminding you that everything is alright– but you were still angry. sometimes lena had provoked you in other games against wolfsburg, which made it worse. 

that's why your bayern teammates look at you guys in shock, noticing that there is an instant connection between the two of you. none of them expected this. some expected the air to be filled with awkwardness as you arrived, standing just 2 feet beside lena. 

“its all good– theres no worries.” lena says, even though she is aware that she started some of the fights between you guys too. 

over time, the simple interactions turned into something more. 

during training, lena’s looks towards you lingered for longer than it had to. she’s found you attractive since the first time you guys clashed together, sometimes provoking you so you’d give her more (individual) attention, but now you are both on the same team. 

during the first game against juventus, you scored from outside the box which excited the crowd and your teammates. after running towards the corner with your arms out wide– in your typical celebration— you turned around and noticed that lena is the first one on your arms. you hugged her tightly and put your head on her shoulders as the other girls circled around to congratulate you. 

after the game, you asked lena if she wanted to grab coffee the morning after. at first, you thought about inviting her to your apartment to watch a movie– which is what you always do to wind down after a game and taking a long shower after– but you figured that taking her to your apartment might imply something different. so, you went with something easier.

the coffee dat- hang out lasted for about four hours. lena and you talking to each other felt natural, and easy. lena's presence becomes a comforting part of your routine overtime, and soon, she's more than just the wolfsburg player you had tension with– now she's a teammate; and a friend.

one evening, after a recovery session, you both decide to grab dinner at a nearby café in munich. you introduced lena to this cafe, which is funny because she's the german one and not you. the conversation flows effortlessly, as per usual.

"you know, i was nervous about joining bayern due to the amount of hate i received," lena admits, taking a sip of her drink. "but you guys made the process so easy."

"i’m glad that you’re here lena," you reply, sincerity in your voice. 

however, the bond between lena and you doesn’t go unnoticed with the team. georgia and sydney, pull you aside one december afternoon in the locker room. they had enough with you ditching their weekly plans to go spend time with lena instead. 

their expressions are serious, tinged with concern. this scared you at first because you’ve never seen them in this way. 

"y/n, listen," georgia starts, her eyes searching yours as you looked at her with nervousness. "you’re ditching us for lena because we think you have feelings for her."

the words hit you. internally, you start to panic. it's true, of course. you've known for a while now, but admitting it to others, and even to yourself, has been a struggle. your last relationship was an abusive nightmare. this causes you to shut yourself out and build walls around your heart. 

vulnerability is a luxury you can't afford, not after everything you've been through.

"ha-ha.. you're imagining things," you deflect, trying to sound casual. "lena and I are just friends."

sydney crosses her arms, giving you a knowing look as her eyes widened. "don’t lie! we see the way you look at her. it's okay to have feelings, you know."

you swallow hard, your mind racing. "i don’t–ugh– i just can’t, guys. I just... I can't go through that again." you stutter, not knowing what to say exactly. you hoped that nobody would confront you on this.

"you can't let what happened with that ex of yours control you," georgia says softly, placing a hand on your shoulder. "lena's different. she would never do that to you– i’d kill her if she did– we all know that you’d treat each other so good."

after that conversation in the dressing room– you start to distance yourself from lena–withdrawing into the mental shell you've built for self-preservation. 

at first, lena seems confused, her attempts to reach out to you becoming more frequent and insistent. at first, she thought you were sick. until she noticed that you’d go hang out with other players on the team– like sydney, georgia, ana, and giulia.

"y/n, what's going on?" lena asks you one day at practice, her voice a mixture of concern and frustration. it was the last training before the quarterfinals of the champion’s league against PSG, which was the topic on everyone's minds lately– except for lena and y/n’s of course. 

"did I do something wrong?"

you shake your head, avoiding her gaze as you bury yourself into the red puffer jacket provided by the club. "no, lena, it's not you. I just– I just need some space."

"space?" she echoes, hurt flashing in her eyes as she knitted her eyebrows. "we were fine, and now you're shutting me out. why?"

you can't bring yourself to answer, so you walk away towards most of the team who is ready to train– you left her standing there, looking lost and confused.

as the days pass, her confusion turns to hurt. you can see it in her eyes, in the way her smile doesn’t reach them anymore, and it tears you apart. you put on a great poker face, going through practices and scoring twice in the second-leg quarterfinal game– giving bayern the ticket to go to the semi-finals– but in your apartment you were heartbroken. the way your face would be burying into your couch pillow as you frowned with a tear coming out of your eye– you wished that being vulnerable– in love and happy– would be much easier.  

your teammates notice the growing rift. the atmosphere in the locker room becomes tense. eventually, an international break happens and you left to play for your country. 

during this time period, lena opened up to the german bayern teammates about her feelings towards you. she fell in love with you over the last six months– but she didn’t understand why you pulled away. it was harsh. 

some of the girls on the team were upset, they knew why you were pulling yourself away from lena. 

finally, lea confronts you at your apartment on the first day you’re back in munich. you open up the door to see the look of frustration and anger on her face. you have never seen the calm woman so upset.

you came back from a win in the gold cup tournament with your national team so your spirits were high, but lea might have you come back to your reality in germany.

"y/n, whatever you’re trying to do– you need to stop it!” she snaps. you’re frozen as lea comes into your apartment without the need for invitation.

you find the movement to shut your door before following lea into your living room. she stands right by your couch as you stand awkwardly 5 feet away with your hands shaky by your side. 

“what?” you mumbled.

“you’re hurting lena with your avoidance and its pissing me off!" she snaps again, her eyes blazing. "you caught feelings for her and you’re scarred– rightfully so– but there's a limit with leading her on just for you to pull away.”  

“i’m sorry-.” you mumbled again, tears filling your eyes.

 

“no! stop letting your past control you. you're sabotaging yourself and it’s affecting everyone."

"lea, you don't understand," you begin to speak, but she cuts you off again.

"no, YOU don't understand," she retorts. "we all know about your past, lena does now too– and you didn’t deserve any of that– but lena is not your ex. she's in love with you y/n! she's not going to hurt you like that. you're pushing her away for no reason."

her words are harsh, but they strike a chord. lea's right, and you know it. the fear of getting hurt again has been holding you back, but in pushing Lena away, you’re only hurting yourself more. you stand there as tears pour down your cheeks. you didn’t bother wiping them, ashamed at what you thought was a safe option, but it was stupid. 

lea walks up to you and wipes your tears off of your face- you flinch– but eventually she hugs you as you let the rest of your tears flow. 

“i am not mad at you y/n, none of us are. we just need you to make the right decision.” lea calmly speaks. she finger-brushes your hair as you relax into the warm of your friend. 

“i love lena, lea, so much.” you say your thoughts out loud. 

“we know.” lea replies. 

“you need to make things right though. things aren’t over between you both. please let lena in, let you two feel the love that you both deserve.” lea continues as you mentally start to open yourself up again. 

the next practice– you start to reach out to lena again, trying to rebuild the bridge you nearly burned. 

remembering how lena loved your protein brownies one time back in january– you made a big patch and gave the full pan for her to keep. there was a note inside of the tinfoil, apologizing for trying to push lena away– but she understood. 

it's a slow process, but you’d take all of the time in the world just for lena to forgive you. 

there were awkward conversations...

your hesitant attempts at rekindling the bon you've missed. 

still.. lena was wary towards you sometimes, her responses guarded.

you muster the courage to approach her a few nights before the semi-final against chelsea. maybe, having this talk at this time could help you both be on your best game– mentally– for the match. 

"obi, can we talk?" you ask, your voice hesitant.

she looks at you, a mix of hope and caution in her eyes. "sure."

her cold tone bothered you, but you can only blame yourself. 

you sit down together in a lounge room on the training grounds, the silence heavy between you as you can both look out of the windows to see the pitch. before speaking, you look out at some of the girls on the pitch passing the ball with their heads. practice ended over half-an-hour ago so you’re surprised that some girls are still here.

taking a deep breath, looking at lena, you begin. "i'm sorry for how i've acted throughout the winter. it was not fair to you. i just... something happened– and i realized something which scared me– i've been through a lot, and I got scared." 

you realized you were jumping corners, away from confessing your true feelings and thoughts, but you wanted the conversation to go one step at a time.

lena listens, her expression softening as she remembered what some of the girls told her during the last international camp. "i get that you're scared, but i would never put you in harms way, which is what hurt me the most"

you nod, tears pricking at your eyes as you look down at your white colored cleats with grass stains. "i know. i promise you i'm trying to get over this fear through the therapy i’ve been doing here. i really like you, lena—-- more than just a teammate— and a friend” you mumble.

lena's eyes widened, her breath catching as what their teammates told her were confirmed with y/n’s words. "honey..."

"i know it's a lot to ask right now," you continue, your voice trembling. "but can we try? can we see where this goes?"

for a moment, lena is silent, processing your words. then, she reaches out, moving her chair closer to yours and taking your hands in hers. "i have feelings for you too, y/n. in fact, i think i am in love with you— but I can't be in this alone. i need to know that you’ll be here and you won’t pull away at any moment of struggle.” lena says, noting that all relationships do have mini-struggles, including healthy ones.

you’re scared, more than you’ve ever been, but your heart slows down from its rapid beating after hearing that lena loves you. you look into lena’s eyes, they’re beautiful and you smile with hope.

taking a deep breath, you nod. "i’m willing to try, lena. for you, and for me, and for us."

lena smiles, a genuine, bright smile that warms your heart as she squeezes your hands. "that's all I needed to hear."

It’s not a perfect resolution-- not at all-- and you know there will be challenges ahead. however, you start to see the hope that you thought you wouldn’t have for a very long time.

--

had this in my drafts for a few weeks lol, wasn't planning on posting this originally <3

[the-bjd-community-confess]

I wondered if this would come up with the repeated mention of being for or against using religious iconography on doll clothes, but I guess someone needs to mention something important about human culture and the nature of symbolism.

The reason crosses on things is problematic is because ultimately they will always represent an affiliation to Christianity. The nature of symbols is that they are inherently symbolic and thus they communicate to people a relationship to the belief or group which the symbol has been known to represent.

Because of history and the many complications of colonialism, Puritanism, and bigotry, I personally view symbols of Christianity (the cross, the crucifix, Jesus, etc) as akin to hate symbols, and therefore those who brandish them are unsafe and unwelcome to me. Obviously, other people feel the opposite and see Christianity as a beacon of love and faith and therefore the symbols make them feel safe and those who brandish them are felt to be friends or community. Ultimately, the lesson is the same. The cross communicates an affiliation to that particular religion, and to say that it can exist neutrally is frankly ignorant and naive, but it happens a lot actually because Christianity is so deeply ingrained in human culture that most languages heavily incorporate direct references to capital G God as colloquialisms, and because of colonialism and missionaries, and evangelicalism, there is nearly no part of the entire globe which has not in some way been touched or influenced by Christianity (or at the very least, Abrahamic religion). This creates a sense of easy assimilation that has existed for hundreds of years which makes us complacent to the oppressive thumb of Christianity, making us blind to its influence and heavy presence in everything we do, see, and consume.

So allow me to make an extreme example which will be easier to separate from the normality of Christian and Abrahamic iconography:

If someone started selling doll clothes (think gothic Lolita) but instead of crosses as decorations, they included sw*stikas, but the creator proclaimed that they “just think they’re pretty” or that they “believe in the original representation of peace, unity, and fertility” and are therefore unaffiliated with n*zis and believe the symbol to be neutral. Would this bother you?

I don’t think any reasonable person would say that it wouldn’t. Some may say that that person can do as they please, but ultimately the only people who would buy the clothes would be people who are entirely ignorant and naive to the implication, or people who directly identify with n*zis as no non-bigoted person would ever want to accidentally or negligently indicate to others that they hate Jewish people, poc, the disabled, or lgbtq+ people, or any other people that have been victimized by the people who have proudly brandished that symbol and gave it the infamy it has today.

It’s a outlandish example for sure because most people believe the n*zis were/are bad, and the majority of the world still feels some favor for Christianity as Christians are a lot of the time in the majority, but ultimately, the message is the same.

Like the sw*stika denotes n*zism, wearing a cross tells other people that you approve of Christianity (whether that is a good or bad thing in your opinion is entirely up to you) and similarly wearing a cross upside down tells people that you disapprove of it or even are affiliated with Satanism or some kind of anti-Christian faith and would therefore cause discomfort in people who believe in or hold dear God and Jesus. Trying to say that symbols hold no weight or meaning would, in essence, dismantle the fundamentality of language and culture in relation to humanity as every language and translation between languages began with an image which became representative of an idea or thing.

Sure it’s a lot to read into a metal charm, but I think it’s important to always question why we do something as human beings. Why is one symbol, beloved by a group that unfairly victimized a minority people (the sw*stika), seen as terrible and far too heavy to be used so carelessly or neutrally, but another symbol, also beloved by a group that has been known historically to unfairly victimize several different minority peoples and cultures (the cross), is comfortably used in neutrality because it “looks nice” and its “not that deep”? It’s mostly food for thought, but I think in this day and age we should not so blindly submit to these forces for the sake of complacency, neutrality, and conformity without asking ourselves “Why would I wear this symbol if I don’t agree with what it represents?” Especially in an age where people are educating themselves about brands which use child slave labor and actively pollute the world for profit, and then also trying to warn people off of wearing their logos or publicly displaying their use of that company’s products to limit the control those companies have on our day-to-day lives.

~Anonymous

[beanyboobee]

Can I ask your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from Vanitas no Carte? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series? Thanks if you want to answer....

I literally adore all the characters it's so hard to choose just 5 or 3 because to me they are all so well written and have so much depth to them. They all interwine so wonderfully that I can come up with a million reasons on why I like or am interested in each character!

My obvious choice of favorite [obvious meaning apart of the main character group] is Noe, for multipul reasons and mainly because I relate to him far too much for my own good on some of the things he says or does.

But out of the not obvious choices and main characters I would have to go with, Johann, simply because he is definetly keeping secrets of his own and gives off antagonists vibes and I'm excited to see where his character goes, and why he has such a strong dislike for Noe in the recent chapters. We could assume its just because he was oblivious and nieve and that's why Johann doesn't like him but it's definetly not just that. Johann almost seems to hold a- personal, vendetta agaisnt Noe. Or at least people like Noe. From how he gave him such a suspiciously timed look in Orlocks office. To how he almost always refers to him as- the other one. And never his name when not around him. I'm fascinated by his character.

My favorite moments however are alott easier to pick out: in no particular order.

1. The bell tower scene, I think everyone agrees that it's an amazing scene, and honestly everytime I re-read the manga I find myself so hyper focused on it that I just stare at Noes mysterious little smile for awhile, I really think that's when Vanitas finally started seeing Noe as someone he could open up to one day. That Noe gave him this hope of someone actually believing in him. And also the odd little moment at the end where Noe appoligies genuinely makes me think that never happend. That it's just something Noe wished he said back then and is just adding it in now, now that Vanitas is dead.

2. Little Louis when Noe was Introduced, when he pulled Noe In and said he felt bad for hom because his grandfather took an Interest in him. This is small moment but one that always gives me that- "OOOOH SHITTT" vibewhen I read it. I think that's wuen the manga was really leaning Into- the teacher is sus. And it also shows us that even before Louis found out he was a curse bearer that he knew his grandfather was never up to any good. It makes me wonder if their were other kids, before Noe. That didn't quite meet the teachers expectations and what was done with them.

3. The entire fight scene between Vanitas and Noe with Domi on the ferris wheel. Everything about that entire chapter is everything to me. And Vanitas' "why can't I kill you-" will always get to me. Because ot shows how much Vanitas has changed. How much he has developed enough to of actually let someone in.

4. The moment where Jeanne gets all flustered because vanitas said "I'm telling you. You're lovely" because I'm a multishipper and that oannel was just too adorable , Jeanne looked way to cute.

5. Noe lifted his hand up to talk in count orlocks office. Its small, but compares to hoe he acted the first time he was in orlocls office. It shows he has grown. That he has a better grip on his emotions and even learned to communicate better. First time he was in orlocls office he wouldn't hear anyone out and was determined to prove that the book heals people, while now. He raised his hand. And asked why no one calls Dante and his group by their names. Even though he truely detests people beigrefurred to anything but their name. Which names me wonder. Is their something else in Noes past that he has forgotten. Some point in his life where he wasn't referred to as Noe. Or even by a name at all. First he gets mad for Vanitas abiut vanitas being referred to as a number. Then mad at vanitas for only ever calling him that vampire, and then confused on why Dante and squad are only referred to as Dhams. Which would be curious concidering his teacher mainly uses a nickname for him and not his actual name most of the time.

And finally of course. The iconic "I'm glad you are the person you are now vanitas" scene on the roof.

Honestly their is definetly more. But it's late and my brains slowing down so for noe just the ones that i can remember, I could probually make a top 5 moments list for every character at this point if I'm Honest

[mrshamada-dorian]

self-righteous; tadashi hamada // gn! fuckboy! reader pt.1

the title and story is based off the song self-righteous by bryson tiller. well the story is loosely based on it but it's not a songfic. ngl im kinda proud of this one. i like writing shitty people sometimes because you don't really see it too often in the fanfiction space.

part 2

cw; alcohol, drunk driving, mentions of sex but nothing explicit, toxic behavior, fuckboy is used but its used as a gender neutral term

oh, i got something to say, yeah…

you made a mistake.

it's not often that you'd admit something like that. as if anyone would want to do something like that willingly. but this time, you'll recognize… you made a mistake.

you're not someone easy to tie down. when this all first started, you would try. you would try to be the perfect partner anyone would ask for. yet it never seemed to keep them loyal to you. and eventually, you'd be the one with the broken heart while they'd move on as if nothing happened.

you grew tired and wondered what the point was. what's the point of keeping up a relationship when no one wants to do the work? why should you care? the questions grew and grew until you concluded that you shouldn't. you shouldn't be the one who cares. you should be the one that hurts others before they can hurt you.

at least you'll be protected.

it wasn't easy at first. you'd feel bad about hurting anyone, especially since they didn't deserve it. but you didn't know that. you didn't know that all your past lovers would leave you for someone else. but they did. so you did.

it grew easier the more you did it, and by surrounding yourself with yesmen, you soon earned your title of "fuckboy".

you were kinda proud of the title you held. it lets anyone know that you're not the one to be serious with. you're here to have your fun and leave. and anyone who had the unfortunate problem of not knowing who you were would have to find out themselves.

you were no longer the innocent, naive angel you once were. you were going down a dark path with no plans of stopping any time soon.

well, until you met him.

tadashi hamada had, unfortunately, become your next target when he made the unfortunate decision to walk by your group one day. your yesmen we're the ones that challenged you. saying there was no way you could bag him. he's too nice and too sweet. he'd never go for something like that. oh, how wrong you were ready to prove them.

before that incident, you had maybe shared one or two words with the guy. a quick little apology after being in each other's way, and that's it. nothing more. yet, your "friends" knew all about him. one friend, in particular, is the closest you'll get to your own little informant. they dug up all of the dirt on tadashi they could. which isn't much because he was squeaky clean. all he really did was stay in his lab and hang out with his friends.

otherwise a good boy.

so begins the most demanding challenge, getting to know him. it's the part you could do without, but it's necessary to win this challenge. your friends did help you a bit by introducing tadashi to you under the guise that you'd be great friends. it was a lie, of course, but anything to get in his pants, right?

you started with the general nice and friendly act the first few times you met up. it was enough to get him comfortable with you to the point that he'd say hi to you in the halls and introduce you to his friends. they seemed cool, but they were definitely not the crowd you would hang out with. too caring for your taste.

besides that, you tried your best to be around him as much as possible. doing things like meeting him in his lab and going out with him to lunch. going the extra mile while keeping up your persona while adding a touch of flirtiness when you felt that he would reciprocate. and luckily for you (and unluckily for him), he did.

although the momentum was good, it wasn't good enough. at this rate, you'll be getting nowhere fast. so what's the quickest way to get to know someone? force them into a room with extra loud music and even sweatier people.

convincing your friends to throw a party was probably the easiest thing you had to do in a while. they were the definition of party monsters if you ever had to describe them. you were okay with a party every once in a while, but never to the extent they were.

you don't know how but somehow, one of your friends managed to convince tadashi to come to the party. you could've sworn that he was not the type. but seeing him walk through the doors of the cramped house you were about to spend your night in begged to differ.

the first hour or two, all you did was watch him from afar, sipping on your shot of casamigos as your entourage coaxed him into drinking something himself. that's when you found out he was a lightweight. not a problem; everyone was there before. but it was probably not suitable for a party where you barely knew anyone.

it's your time to shine.

you walked up to him, interrupting whatever unimportant conversation he was having. his smile grew so big the moment his eyes met yours. almost like a puppy whose owner just came home. it was cute.

you were getting a bit tired from the party, so you dragged tadashi outside with you for some fresh air and a walk. the night streets were empty save for the ugly yellow lights causing light pollution. it's not like you could do anything about it though.

maybe it was the liquid courage, but the conversion flowed between you. you talked about any and everything under the night sky. he had such an animated way of talking when intoxicated that made you swoon a little. he was such a cutie.

too bad you choose to break him.

soon the conversion turned a bit sensual thanks to your flirty words and fleeting touches. and thanks to the alcohol, tadashi was much more reciprocal than usual. one thing soon led to another, and suddenly you were in the back seat of your car, messing around. he had the prettiest pink blush on his face. whether it was from the alcohol or from your kisses, you didn't know. but you also didn't care.

you could've taken him in your car right then in there. you wanted to. but you've always been someone who had standards regardless of what you choose to do with your extracurricular activities. so you agreed to go back to your place since your place was closer, and technically, you were not in the condition to be driving far.

next thing you knew, you were waking up in your bed.

you looked around in confusion as you saw clothes skewed all over the floor that definitely wasn't there before. there was also an unmistakable smell that someone like you knew all too well. the answers to your question were soon revealed as you felt a warm body shift behind you.

looking back, you saw none other than tadashi hamada, and everything that happened reappeared in your memory. it took everything in you to not slap your forehead in frustration. you were particularly wishing that you had a little more self-control when you were tipsy. because this didn’t count toward your bet. especially when both parties aren’t fully conscious to make the decision together. plus he might not even remember what happened.

that was something you’d have to worry about later as you really needed a shower.

once you were done, you come out of your bathroom to be hit with a wonderful smell that made your stomach growl as you hadn’t eaten since last night. you walked out of your bathroom to be greeted with the sight of the man that was once in your bed, cooking in your kitchen.

he looked up at you, looking bashful the moment your eyes met. “i wasn’t sure if you wanted anything to eat so i made breakfast. i hope you don’t mind.”

you didn’t mind in fact. but you couldn’t say you weren’t a bit confused.

you were used to having an empty house after you had your fun. and even if someone decided to stay, they didn't stay for too long as you either kicked them out or they just left early on their own accord. no one has ever stayed and made you breakfast.

it was nice. too nice.

eating breakfast with him was… awkward at best. neither of you talked to each other. part of you wanted to talk about last night to see if he truly remembered everything that happened. but he beat you to it.

tadashi seemed kinda shy asking about last night. he asked the normal questions like did you remember and how was it… or he to be more precise. you could answer those easily which no hesitation.

but then he asked you what this made you.

you had half the mind to tell him how it was. that you didn't really care for him. that this was just a funny dare between friends and he, unfortunately, got caught in the middle of it. yet, something told you not to. told you to string him along a bit farther to see what would happen. so you went along with it. you made up a little lie and told him that you just wanted to see where this goes. he didn't seem excited about that answer, but he accepted it.

[cheiyunn]

Kimisute main story [１部 ] Part 3

Side: Fantome Iris

[Sharehouse]

Tomoru: I’m so sorry! I overslept!

Koharu: What’re you rushing for…?

Tomoru: Wait… I thought we had a group practice today…?

Jun: Because he had to go back to France, I thought Feli-san asked to reschedule the practice for today…

Tomoru: Ah…right… I can’t believe I forgot something so important…

Daimon: We’re all worried about Felix, but for today let's just relax and take it as a long earned rest day

Tomoru: Yes…

Jun: Both you and Koharu usually have problems scheduling rest days too…

Koharu: Usually when I’m off I tend to sub in for other people so as long it's discussed earlier on, I can be more flexible with the time

Tomoru: Me too. Ever since I moved to Dreadnought, in comparison to my old place it’s much easier to ask for leave

Tomoru: Resting is also a need for working so Mashu-san fully understands that too

Jun: Mashu-san… isn’t he like, really scary? I felt like I was turning to stone with one look…

Koharu: Don’t treat the head of our label, like some weird object

Koharu: I mean, he isn’t that scary, right?

Daimon: Whenever we have discussions, his points are always concise and easy to understand so..

Daimon: It takes sense that Jun is a little on edge

Tomoru: But Mashu-san is… really nice though?

Jun: Where !?

Jun: I feel like he’s always saying 「Why don’t you pick it up and try to do your work seriously」 with his eyes..!

Tomoru: That's more because of your personal assumptions- …well, its not above him to really think that way too so…

Jun: See ! See!

Tomoru: But I’ll vouch that he’s really not that cold of a person

Koharu: You’re being taught by him right? Since he’s both the label’s representative and GYROAXIA’s manager right?

Tomoru: Yeah. He’s concise and to the point, maybe sometimes its hard to get in contact when he’s really busy but when I do need help he’s always available for consultations and discussion.

Koharu: Well ain’t he a great boss!

Koharu: It's good that you quit that black company Tomoru

Tomoru: My previous job as a medical systems engineer was just as rewarding and important so there are parts of me that do miss it a bit but…

Tomoru: My junior’s got a strong footing already so I do feel like my work there is done

Tomoru: Looking back on it, maybe the transfer to Dreadnought was perfect timing

Koharu: If that's what you think then it should be a-okay

Koharu: Okay so, I was thinking of popping into the studio for a bit of practice. You guys wanna come too?

Jun: Sorry but didn’t you say that today was… a rest day..?

Koharu: We’re free to do self practice on our rest days right? How about you two?

Daimon: I didn’t schedule anything in particular but since I have the time, I was thinking of reviewing my purchases.

Daimon: However, I won’t deny I do feel the urge to do some light practicing alongside with Koharu

Tomoru: Same here… After I revise the schedule, I think I’ll practice a bit too

Jun: Wanting to practice despite it being a rest day… so diligent…

Tomoru: Are you not in the mood to play Jun?

Jun: Its not that I’m not in the mood… we did have practice originally scheduled for today…

Tomoru: Then… how about you accompany me practicing

Koharu: So, it’ll be shorter than our usual time but let's get to it!

Koharu: But before that…

Daimon: Food. Both Jun and Tomoru need to eat

Daimon: I have it all prepared so I’ll bring it over

Tomoru: Oh, I’ll help too!

[Time passes]

.

Koharu: It became night in the blink of an eye… well, for the next live we’re all set though right

Tomoru: I agree. We can just do one more full check during rehearsal later on as a final measure and we’re set

Jun: …I wonder when Felix-san will be back

Daimon: He did say it’d be for a few days. When he knows for sure he said he’d contact us

Tomoru: …I wonder if Feli-san’s uncle is going okay…

Daimon: I wonder too…

Daimon: When he got to call from Gilbert a day back he seemed quite somber

Jun: …I hope that he gets better

Jun: His uncle was like… a 2nd parent to him right?

Koharu: That's what I heard

Tomoru: Something in regards to his father passing away early on…

Daimon: It was when Felix was 17 I think

Daimon: Then after that he was transferred under the guardianship of his uncle or so

Tomoru: So that's what happened…

Koharu: …at the very least we can hope that the worst doesn’t come to happen…

[a-mag-a-day]

MAG 70 - last one for the laundry folding session

"I did wonder why he left me anything in the first place. Philip Doah and I always kind of hated each other." - Well, considering WHAT he left him he probably still hated the statement-giver!

"You know those friends you have who aren’t really your friends, but you go to the same parties and it’s not enough of a thing that you’d actually avoid each other, so everyone just assumes you’re friends, and you kind of absorb that and even start picturing them there when you think about “your friends” as a group, but deep down you both know you don’t actually like each other, it’s just that it’s actually more effort to not be friends?" - I KNOW exactly, what he's talking about. Jonny manages to cover thoughts on social… opinions? constructs? or existential philosophy exactly in the way I approach them on such a regular basis, it's so funny. Probably one reason why I love TMA so much. I rarely felt understood in my views or often times people never gave things like this a thought and just looked at me strangely when I voiced thoughts like this.

"I just kept thinking to myself: the moment I die will feel just the same as this one." - Jonny copying his own homework again XD

"It’s not a thing forever in the future; I will be in that present just as surely as I am in this one." - Yeah, we're always in that time of that wax drop falling. When it's still hot and shapeable. That was an amazing monologue in WTNV…

"And I will end. I’ve never been a religious man, and I always say I take comfort in the idea of a peaceful oblivion but that’s a lie." - But it's not, isn't it? A peaceful oblivion. It's nothing, no feeling, no knowledge, no anticipation, no memory. We will never be able to grasp that concept. Because even if we stop our consciousness through anesthesia for example, there's an after that makes us aware, that we were out of it. When there is no after, then this awareness of unawareness will never happen. Uurrg, this makes my head swim… This is a concept that will come up later in TMA as well.

"the horse proceeds to stop, turn around and slam its hooves into his head until it caves in." - That horse must have hated that person. My grandfather in law told me about something like this. Two stories about farmers in the area who treated their work horses really badly. In both instances the horses eventually snapped. The first farmer got away, hid under his wagon while the horse tried to get to him. Others finally came and had to catch the horse and bring it away. The other one actually got killed by his horse (TW violent death:) by stomping on the farmer over and over and over again while out on the field. When people found them, there wasn't much left of the guy that still resembled a human.

"when a passing car would lose control and run me down. The impact would drive me into the wooded barrier, impaling me on a fallen tree branch. The driver was killed in the crash, and no-one else would pass by as I lay there, alone and screaming for help, until my body finally gave up. It was quite particular about how the jagged wood was going to feel as it passed through my torso." - I cannot express what I would feel, were I to read this about me. I got uneasy and distressed just by hearing that about this statement-giver. I couldn't imagine how that would feel. Knowing the exact time when you will die is one thing, but actually knowing how and that it will be violent and slowly and how much you would suffer. Fucking hell…

"Alexander, so the book claimed, had died in 1983" - Heeeeey, there a third Alex! So we have Alexander the taxman, Alexander who died horribly and Alex who was turned into an unresponsive zombie.

"Alcester" - Ah yes, another British name wish a silent "ce".

"Of course, that didn’t prove anything. Not really." - Oh, there a "not really"! In S4 there are so many "not really"s, that I consider starting a drinking game.

"When I close the book I wonder, are those same words still there, squatting and biding their time, or have they already changed into some new unknown terror that I can neither know nor avoid, waiting to spring on me." - Schrödinger's death prophecy

"Notable in his account, however, is the absence of any indication that this book was ever possessed by Jurgen Leitner." Just last episode I asked myself if there were ever books touched by the Dread Powers which didn't fall into the hands of Leitner. Totally forgot, that it was even highlighted here.

"Books. Again and again it always seems to come back to those books. There are other artefacts that hold sinister power, certainly, but none of them seem to be quite so prevalent or insidious as those damn books." - I feel like Jon's a bit biased here about books being the most sinister of artefacts xD

"No sign of the other Leitners, though." - That is a funny thing to say about the tunnels where the most original Leitner actually still resides! xD

Perhaps that one line about the moment we die is just a prevalent saying in the end circles. Or perhaps the talking corpse from Georgie's statement is related somehow to this statement giver

[spacedkitty]

the definitions amongst the disparate leftist groups seem intentionally setup to cause semantic debates masquerading as ideological debates

the issue is that anti-civ wants to talk about and critique very specific things and one of the main words used to talk about those things is a specific usage of the word civilization.

many leftists just want to prevent anyone from ever thinking about these things or taking anti-civ seriously in the first place which is why they'll often describe anti-civ as primitivist or eco-fash or use some other thought terminating accusation.

this is also why its very common for leftists who do end up talking about anti-civ use entirely different and often useless definitions of civilization. one of the common claims is that civilization means anything humans have ever done... but what exactly is the purpose of that definition? how does it help you talk about or communicate something? its not helpful with talking about anything because its only purpose is to make it harder for people to understand what an anti-civ critique is trying to say. its actually very similar to capitalists saying that capitalism is anytime humans exchange anything so capitalism has always and will always exist.

unfortunately semantic debates are more memeable on the internet so why bother with a difficult ideological debate that might require introspection, questioning of assumptions, and making difficult decisions about where your priorities are.

I worry that this is a sentiment I've seen expressed by almost every group of leftists I've encountered on the internet, each with their own set of terminology/definitions that they state the other groups dismiss out of hand as some form of conspiracy to suppress their particular brand of leftist views.

I don't think any of these groups are wrong exactly, I just worry that perhaps the problem becomes one of insularity. I see why the definition being used is used in this case, because it helps to conceptualize of civilization in this manner when dealing with the particular critiques specific to anti-civ. However, without that context, it's extremely hard to parse and looks far closer to "well, like, society is evil and we should live in mud-huts" than makes sense, and in a world full of fascists, well, I've encountered a few people that truly seem to think that's the right approach..

Without context it is easy to see idiocy in the arguments of others if you are primed to do so (which our present society does an excellent job of).

Often I see people get absorbed into a particular brand of leftism and begin denouncing the others after having furious debates using words that seem to mean different things to the different parties. Sometimes when they encounter something to change their perspective they will jump to another brand with a similar fervor and go on to denounce the former brand with the same fervor they defended it with, now using different definitions.

I still have a great deal to learn, but it always feels difficult to do so when often genuine questions are treated with hostility and a dogmatic approach to a group's views. Which I guess I understand, given the frequency of trolls (from all sides of the political spectrum, let's be honest) attempting to waste people's time with frivolous bullshit.

I find myself looking into anti-civ and finding it compatible in many ways with my understandings of socialism and anarchism, and wondering why it felt so hostile and absurd when first I encountered it. Similar to the feelings I had when first learning of communism, socialism and anarchism.

Many leftists just want to prevent anyone from ever thinking about these things or taking anti-civ seriously

I honestly don't agree with you here. I know there are some who do, but I think the vast majority have gotten into confusing debates that mimicked impassible ideological differences and wrote it off, particularly when discussing with others in their movement.

A common problem I've encountered (particularly in online leftist circles) is one of defending ivory tower knowledge over conversational understanding, which makes understanding other groups significantly harder. If your go-to response to criticism or misunderstanding of your movement is "go read this tome" you open no doors to communication, only offering a silo of separate knowledge and perspective.

In summary, I don't think most leftists are opposed to understanding anti-civ, I think we are just primed by society and other leftist movements to see anti-civ perspectives, without the proper context, as reactionary and regressive. A view I think most leftist groups see in one another.

I hope things could possibly be shifted with better grassroots communication and like, maybe something as silly seeming as leftist dictionaries, but that remains to be seen (by me at least).

[alexilulu]

Books I read in 2024: #0

A Memory Called Empire (Arcady Martine, Tor books, 2019)

The newest ambassador of a vassal station of a star-spanning empire is called to the imperial homeworld to take the place of the now former Ambassador who died under mysterious circumstances. Therein she is tasked with protecting their home from becoming fully taken by the empire and protecting their unknown-to-the-empire neurological enhancement that imprints the memories and skills of your ancestors into your mind from discovery.

I really enjoyed this one. We're starting with a book I actually finished in 2023, mostly because I wanted to talk about the second novel (which I did read in 2024, hence the #0) some more, and why not give you a primer in something else.

The Teixcalaani empire is fascinating. If you read the Imperial Radch series, Teixcalaan can feel at least superficially similar; big, mighty empire that masses force of arms against its neighbors, a beautifully rendered imperial core with a particular view of itself that includes in and out-groups of "barbarian/uncivilized" classes, and someone who is looking in on it with an eye towards defanging it. It's a tough comparison, too, because often I find myself comparing other novels to the Radch trilogy in distinctly negative terms, so they really earned a good nod here. Teixcalaan itself feels to me like an imagined paradise or the interior of the mysterious Radch's central Dyson sphere that the empire was built to protect. Somewhere where the sun is always in that golden hour of morning, cast in bronze and gleaming steel.

The Teixcalaani are so deeply interesting. The empire was founded by an Emperor, and his degree of divinity and political sway depends on the conquest of the periphery, founded on the idea of a semi-permanent state of consumption and invasion and integration of the periphery for glory and praise. The military naturally commands great cachet, to the point of a violent attempt to take the throne by a charismatic general returning home from a victorious campaign. Their culture revolves around poetry and meter, using it for their cryptography of essential messages (which they sent via a physical object couriered around the world, often sealed intricately in bone or stone or metal; imagine a message scroll about the size of your thumb, cracked in half and projecting it in the air. And they're remarkably fun just to hear speak, a sense of florid prose without moving into the absurd. In a sci-fi imperial core, it imagines a society so disconnected from the products of labor (though arguably the position we view from necessitates this view; only towards the end of the book do we see what it's like outside the Capitol, which paints a much broader brush of what things are like out there compared to in sci-fi NYC) that everyone who matters politically is essentially required to be able to write poetry.

Mahit is a delight. She has two wonderful things wrong with her:

1) she is a teaboo (British weeaboo) for Teixcalaan, and

2) because of this, she has a copy of the previous ambassador's memories and skills implanted in her brain before she goes.

Number one is pretty funny. Throughout the book, she constantly has to deal with people from Teixcalaan treat her like she's an extraordinarily stupid child for being a "barbarian" from outside the empire, an experience surely felt by anyone who has done any form of immersion training in languages they don't speak. And despite thr truth of this place she has obsessed herself with since childhood,she can't help but get caught up in the aesthetic of it. Hence, she's a teaboo: they speak the same language, have the same level of technology, etc, but you're always going to be "the weird guy who watched all of First Doctor Who when he was 34" or "the guy who wrote me a Shakespeare sonnet joke to invite me over to the pub".

It is genuinely very interesting! She's in a dilemma because she's fully caught between two worlds on this, and has so much going through her head about this empire she fell in love with and being the only thing between them and getting brutally absorbed in a trivially simple war of conquest.

It's good. It has a lot of lush descriptions of the world and the characters that gives you a fantastic minds eye sense for the places and people. Dialogue is fast, never overused, and just plain fun. Mahit and Three Seagrass make a fantastic couple, with just fnough simmering there in between one another that I actually truly enjoyed Mahit leaving to return to her station in the end rather than stay with Three. It's good, for once! It doesn't feel forced, it feels real (and only gets more real in the next book)!

It builds to a fairly strong conclusion as a story that is more about surviving political circumstances beyond your control than anything else, which Mahit has a phenomenal, believable knack for. Every bit of the book feels like watching a woman mortgage her soul bit by awful bit to this engine of empire.

My only regret is not having read it sooner after it published so I could have been more insane about Mahit and Three. What could have been...

[pooma-bible]

Savita Manwani

Greetings in Jesus name. I welcome all on this platform to hear the word of God and be blessed.

Let us Pray: Gracious Father we come before thy throne in Jesus Name and we thank you for this moment you gave us to hear and learn from your word. Help us to understand your word and be blessed. In Jesus’ Name I pray…Amen.

Topic: The miracle at the gate of Nain

Scripture Text: Luke 7:11-17

The city of Nain lay at the eastern edge of the beauti¬ful valley of Jezreel. Three miles to the north of the city was tree-covered Mount Tabor, and further in the distance was snow-capped Mount Hermon. Nain was about twenty-five miles from the city of Capernaum, where Christ had just been. But, on this particular day, Christ headed to Nain on an errand of mercy and power.

Before Christ arrived, another visitor had already come to Nain and showed his power. The effects were visible in a funeral procession making its way out of the city.

Luke poignantly pictures two crowds meeting just outside the city gate. As Christ was approaching the city followed by “much people,” disciples as well as curious onlookers (v. 11), the funeral procession was leaving on its way to a graveyard outside the city (v. 12). What a contrast between the two groups! Those leaving the city were filled with grief and sorrow, while those coming toward the city were filled with excitement and wonder. A company of death encountered a company of life.

At the head of the funeral procession, men with somber faces carried a bier – a board with narrow sides on which lay the body of a young man. Beside the bier walked the young man’s mother. This woman was no stranger to grief. Luke tells us that she “was a widow” (v. 12).

She must have leaned on this only son after her husband’s death. Yet death, the king of terrors, had struck again, snuffing out his life as well. Never again would she hear his feet coming in the door, home again after working all day to provide a livelihood for both of them. Never again would she enjoy reminiscing with him about his father at the dinner table. He was cut off early in life.

God had created this world without graveyards. But because of sin, death now reigns all over our world (Rom. 5:14). It takes away the old, but it can also take the young, leaving emptiness, loneliness, and grief. Perhaps inwardly this woman felt something like what the psalmist expressed: “I will say unto God my rock, why hast thou forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? Psalm 42:9.

However, she would find that God had not forgotten her. This day of mourning would turn out very differently for this woman than she was anticipating. The Son of God, who had come to meet her just outside the city, would show His power and mercy in her life in an unforgettable way.

I. A Remarkable Command (vs.13)

And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said unto her, Weep not.”

Absorbed in her grief, this woman may not even have noticed the approach of Christ. But He comes to meet her with His Word in her need. This verse anticipates what is going to happen here.

a. Christ the Lord: Clearly, Luke wants to draw attention to Christ’s power. Peter had confessed Him as Lord (5:8), as had the leper (5:12) and the centurion with the sick servant (7:6). Now this widow would come to know Him as the Lord of life and death.

b. Christ’s Compassion: Christ was not only to prove Himself as a powerful King. He was also proving Himself to be a compassionate High Priest, who could be touched with the feeling of this widow’s infirmity (see Heb. 4:15). Christ did not turn away from this sad procession, content to revel in the attention people were giving Him. When He saw her sorrow, His heart was touched by the misery sin had brought into this world. And His heart in heaven is still the same towards needy and miserable sinners.

c. Christ’s command: Before Christ even per¬formed the miracle, He called this widow woman to live in light of it. “Weep not” (v. 13), He told her. This is remarkable; this woman had every reason to weep, and yet He told her not to. Essentially, He was calling this woman to exercise faith in Him as the resurrection and the life.

This is similar to what the Lord does to His people today. It’s not that we may not weep when our family and friends die. Even Christ wept at Lazarus’s grave (John 11:35).

However, when their loved ones die in the Lord, believers are taught not to weep as those who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13).

The resurrection gospel needs to impinge upon all of our lives. This is what the Lord wanted the woman to know, even before He performed a miracle before her eyes. He anticipated for her the res¬urrection joy that comes when we see His resurrection power at work. The day is coming when God will “wipe away all tears” from the eyes of His children (Rev. 21:4).

II. A Glorious Conqueror (Vs.14)

“And he came and touched the bier, and they that bare him stood still. And he said, Young man, I say unto thee, Arise

In the original language of this passage, Christ only spoke six words – two to the mother, and four to the young man. The most important of the words was the last one: “Arise.” Each time Christ raised someone from the dead, whether it was Jairus’s daughter, Lazarus, or this young man, He spoke, as one commentator says, with“ powerful brevity.”

It is important to notice that Christ raised the young man by speaking to him. To the skeptical onlooker, His words may have sounded ridiculous. It looks like folly to speak to some¬one whose ears death has closed. Yet death can’t keep anyone from responding to the Lord’s voice. As John 5:25 says, “The dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God; and they that hear shall live.”

Christ didn’t draw back from the bier on which the young man lay. The Holy One of Israel could not be rendered unclean by touching the bier. Instead, death was forced to retreat in the face of Him, who would hold the keys of death and hell through His death and resurrection (Rev. 1:18).

Thus this widow discovered that she could safely trust in the Lord of the widows (Jer. 49:11). Christ added to the miracle this tender touch: “He delivered him to his mother” (v. 15). He scooped the young man up in His arms and gave him to his mother again. He had been a gift from the Lord when she had received him from the Lord at his birth. Now she received him a second time, as evidence of the Savior’s power and compassion.

We read: “And he that was dead ... began to speak” (v. 15). No longer would the widow’s home be morbidly still; resurrec¬tion speech would fill her dwelling. The day that had begun with such misery and sadness turned into such gladness and rejoicing. That’s what Christ’s grace and power do.

The conquering Lord had driven away death from the young man, darkness from this widow’s life, and despair from those who lie in the shadow of death. One of those people was John the Baptist, who was imprisoned in the dungeon of Herod (see Luke 7:18-19).

Somehow, through God’s providence, this miracle reached into the prison cell of John. He would soon lose his life through the cruelty of Herodias and the cowardice of Herod. What a comfort it could have been for John to hear the tidings of Him who was the resurrection and the life.

Many others heard the reports that emerged from this miracle. The whole of this valley region was abuzz with the truth that “God hath visited his people” (7:16). The truth of Psalm 89:12 was fulfilled: “Tabor and Hermon shall rejoice in thy name.”

Life Lessons

1. The life-giving word of Christ is a message of hope in a world of despair.

2. The hope comes through His grace and compassion and His word.

3. Compassion is an indispensable characteristic of Jesus. He will do anything to help us, even if it means a loss to him.

4. Even though we may not have the supernatural gift of raising the dead, however, we can in various ways, like Jesus bring joy to the lives of many helpless persons, especially those that are desperately waiting for others to alleviate their feelings.

5. Those widows in today’s world are undergoing utter inhuman treatments need someone, like Jesus, to whisper them unconditionally and with compassion, “Do not weep”.

6. God’s love is unconditional; no one merits his love for it is a free gift to all, especially those who are most in need of it. E.g. a widowed mother, the man wounded by robbers, and a son who has squandered his father’s property.

PRAYER

Father, thank you for the compassion we see displayed so spontaneously in Jesus. We are so glad that you are full to overflowing with such compassion. Increase our faith in your love and compassion. And help us to be filled with your compassion also. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

[goldenart0]

RWBY and Aphmau, or Ruby, Weiss, Oscar, and Jaune playing video games (#1 featuring Fat Chickens)

Or RWBY is quotes from Jess’s videos what ever you want to call it

~~

Ruby: Wait a minute

Oscar: What’s wrong

Ruby: Well, normally when I say something positive, something then goes horrible wrong....wait a minute

Weiss: *walks by with a chicken*

Wiess: Hey, how’s it going

~~

Ruby: Since when did you have a chicken?

Wiess: Just you know

Oscar: That’s a nice chicken

Wiess: Well thank you, someone appreciates-

Oscar: *Punches chicken*

Wiess: Hey! That’s not very nice, you can’t have my chicken. It’s my chicken

~~

Ruby: Not even a, chicken finger

Wiess: Hahahaha But seriously, I’m not sure about my chicken

~~

Wies: Stop speaking Italian to us and start speaking English!

~~

Wiess: HE’S A WISARD!

Ruby: HE’S A sheep??

~~

Ruby: We got this!

Ruby: *Falls down hole*

Wiess: *Falls down same hole*

Ruby: You saw me walk right in why did you keep going?!

Wiess: Well I didn’t want to be left out!

~~

Wiess: Science has gone too far

Ruby: There’s creeper cats in here!

Wiess: Too far

Ruby: So cute!

~~

Ruby: Wait...he called us fat and that rhymes with cat! We have to use the car th get into the place!

Wiess: I agree, but I don’t understand the relation

~~

Wiess: These cats don’t give two hwits about what I’m saying

Ruby: Yeah, they’re cats

~~

Wiess: I am VEXED

~~

Wiess: Why won’t these cats listen to me?!?

Ruby: Maybe if you had some fish or something-

Ruby: Why do you have fish?

~~

Ruby: I’m face palming right now

Ruby: GIVE ME THE FISH

~~

Jaune: I happen to know your aim is terrible

Wiess: Oh it is

Ruby: What me? Yours is terrible-My aim isn’t terrible!

~~

Wiess: Hey- I want my fat chicken back! I know you have it in there! I’m coming for it!

~~

Wiess: Oh so we just have to hit the targets, that’ll take us about five years

~~

Wiess: *getting louder* First try, first try, first try, first try, first try, first try, first try, first try, I can’t go any higher, First try, First try, first

~~

Ruby: NERD! There’s a NERD up there!

~~

Wiess: I hope it’s not math

Wiess: It is math

Ruby: Oh, uhh

Oscar: Oh god it’s math, just kill me now

Ruby: Oscar stop it. Have faith.

Wiess: Just let me know if you need to phone a friend

Ruby: I can’t phone a friend. He won’t let me cause he’s dumb

~~

Ruby: 16 is my final answer

Wiess: Don’t overthink it!

Ruby: There was parentheses!

Wiess: No!

Ruby: There was parentheses!

Wiess: No!

Ruby: It’s 16!

Wiess: Oh boy the lava’s falling!

Ruby: Ahh! It’s wrong! Oh no!

~~

Ruby: It’s coffee

Wiess: Coffee!!

Ruby: It’s coffee

Jaune: Wait, what?

Wiess: Yeah, what, huh

Ruby: His favorite foods coffee

Wiess: That’s not a food that’s a liquid

Jaune: That’s a drink

Wiess: That’s a beverage yeah

Ruby: It’s not a drink you can eat it I promise you

Jaune: I mean, is that your favorite food Oscar?

Oscar: She’s not wrong-

Wiess: What

Ruby: *laughs* See! It’s completely valid I promise you

Wiess: Okay. Cool. Right.

Ruby: You can eat coffee. If it goes in your mouth your eating it!

Jaune: You’re all crazy!

~~

Jaune: Why’d the chicken cross the road

Ruby: I- oh god I’m bad at this question

Wiess: To find all the other THICK CHICKENS!

Ruby: Oh! That’s right, exactly to find all the other thick chickens cause they’re all fat chickens big old fat chickens Wiess you’re so smart.

~~

Wiess: Then you shouldn’t have installed a Starbucks down here!

~~

Ruby: Yeah but, we made fun if his fat chicken so let’s pretend that we were in danger.

Wiess: Oh no, the chickens! Oh no the chickens we left them behind!

[yinses]

shadows on snowflakes

pantalone x afab!reader rated: m

a/n: honestly i have no-one to blame but myself. i’m obviously projecting but who knows when we’ll see this man again. let me have this guilty pleasure. 

“oh man, what a day.’’

you truly admired the free-spirit of your colleague as she twirled around in her seat. you wondered if the way the room spun as the chair finally came to a halt made her feel any less nauseated than you felt at the moment as you reviewed the expense reports for the day. 

one day.

a single day.

it truly never ended. 

despite being a foreign entity in the liyue harbor. money was a common language to everyone it seemed, meaning the northland bank was never without clients. 

fresh store owners looking for a start. 

spry adults getting needing a little extra support for their new beginning. 

oh … and the gamblers. you hated those more than anyone. northland bank never turned away the opportunity to move money, even at the detriment to others. and for that group in particular. 

well, you supposed it was more painful to them in the end. 

pushing papers, after all, rarely got your hands dirty. 

but it was yet again another day. so a fresh list of complaints was the least you were entitled to as branch secretary of northland bank.

as if sensing your oncoming migraine, chyou toed at the ground until her chair swung back around to face you. there was a soft daze in her eyes as the efforts of her spinning settled behind her skull. “i don’t know why you get so worked up about everything. this bank practically runs itself. honestly, if i didn’t know the story of morax i’d say all currency came from here. “

as the saying goes, money makes money. especially when there was a lot of it. so when chyou had been placed in front of your desk as a new trainee, eyes wide with all the information, the job seemed like a no-brainer. 

except that's not how it really worked. had not for the pinch in your brow, you might have cooed at her nativity. it was easy to simplify it all when all that was witnessed were the constant flow of money. it was easy to see it from her perspective as a liyuan native. despite its ties to snezhnaya and the even more distrustful shadows of the harbingers, the bank was a fruitful commodity. 

then there was you, the oh so fortunate associate under the direction of the manager, andrei. 

which would be fine. 

still annoying, because at the end of the day, your job was still draining even when the market ran itself. 

except it wasn’t your only responsibility. 

intertwined intimately, was your second title as in-house liaison to the head man himself of all snezhnayan market affairs. 

the regrator. 

northland bank did its best to maintain separation from the fatui ties. but in truth, there would be no bank without the notoriously wealthy harbinger's intervention. 

once again, naivety, some would call you fortunate to have the privilege to work under a self made businessman. well the few who did know. 

the regrator was as successful as he was handsome. gratuitous in the way he built snezhnaya on a firm pillar of wealth. he was as quick-witted as he was tedious; letters never failing to detail every in an out of the bank. 

to be frank, if you didn’t have a hundred other notices needing to be read, you would be impressed with his insight. except, you knew how to do your job and the harbinger certainly had more important projects to focus on. 

you penned in response as much in his last remark. the returning letter had yet to be placed on your desk, but you had more to worry about than a picky banker. 

“you should come out with us tonight. it's a thursday and tomorrow is already prepped. you can use a bit of easement.” chyou watched you determinedly pack up your belongings with quiet awe. “this much frustration can’t be good for you. why don't we go out for a nice drink?”

shouldering your bag, you declined as politely as you could. what you wanted was to store away the last of these documents so you could curl up in your own home with a cup of tea. 

the bank lobby was finally at rest, only the occasional lingering employee closing up for the day. you waved to a few, silently grateful that you haven't run into andrei along the way. 

the man was nearly as sometimes too good at his job, often persuading you to linger to tie up ends that could wait until morning. 

but you actually enjoyed andrei so there was a difference, you suppose. 

just not tonight. 

with a sigh, you shouldered against the door to your office after turning the key. if luck continued to shine down on you, you'd be able to make it all the way home without interruption. 

“you see, with dedication like this, i never have to worry.”

apparently, no rainbows of fortune came without showers. 

you were rather impressed with the way you kept your composure, heart skyrocketing at the intrusion but your body remaining in place at the sound of familiarity. 

it was sad to say this wasn't the first time a harbinger had broken into your office. but this one was the rarest of them all. 

thick lined coat draped comfortably over the back of your chair, pantalone was a visage of ‘welcomed’ without invitation as he lounged at your desk. there was no telling how long he’d been here, but the fact that he had enough knowledge that you weren’t getting to your tea anytime soon. 

reluctantly, you eased the door shut and flicked the lock.

pantalone cooed at the action, “well done. taught you well. to be honest, i had a bit of trouble with that one this time. new?”

if he was disgruntled by your blatant disregard, his tone made no note of it as you stomped around the room filing away the necessities. as far as you were concerned, your business with him was detailed precisely in every letter he demanded from you, making these unexpected visits more of an inconvenience. 

in fact, there wasn’t even supposed to be a harbinger in this building. 

well there was childe, but he was a joke.

pantalone called himself helpful as he angled his legs to the side to give you room to the bottom drawers of your desk. 

“your last letter made me realize that while i do have my hands in a lot of places, it's important to make sure each and everyone is properly taken care of. your notes are so impersonal now, how am i supposed to know that you're alright?”

you've learned over the years, that there were questions you could ignore and others that explicitly requested a response. these fell into only two categories: ones about business and your wellbeing. 

the curve of his knee wasn’t particularly in your way, yet you shouldered against it anyway out of spite. pantalone offered no resistance to the act, though he chuckled lightly at the notable spite in your attitude. 

“ghosts can’t write letters, pantalone. if you’re receiving them from me that should be telling enough.”

you hated your inability to do anything half-way, habits stopping you from just stuffing the papers into the drawer to deal with later. instead, you were forced to take your time filing them away one by one kneeled beside the ninth of the eleven harbingers. 

what a sight it must be. 

pantalone was respectful of your space however, both your body and desk. you knew despite the fact that he could and had every right to, he didn’t snoop. any and all information was at his fingertips anyway. 

you were simply a voice box.

the man hummed above you,” though a ghost may be more sentimental. you never tell me anything anymore, i have to hear about it from the grapevine.”

unable to resist the bait, you lifted your head to level him with a look. you knew for a fact that the man was above gossip, he simply did not have time for any additional information that wasn't imperative to ‘pumping money around the world’.

which meant that it was volunteered to him. and the only one who would take the liberty was a stupid nosy little water boy who you couldn't pick a fight with because he would enjoy it too much. 

you put away the next file with a little more force than necessary at the thought. “and what is this every generous grapevine saying?”

without looking back, you could hear pantalone shifting in his seat chasing comfort. a moment later came the light drum of his nails. 

“oh this and that. you’re almost too good to a fault. do you do anything other than work?”

“i answer a lot of letters from a nosy boss,’’ you sniped. 

his response was methodically dry, “i didn’t realize andrei was sending you love letters as well.”

with a light huff, you finally pushed the drawer closed and locked it for the night. a glove hand was offered before you could even start your ascend. you took it gratefully, you might be spiteful but your knees were not. 

the assistance was twofold, however, as the same gesture keeps you in place as the man levels you with a long look of contemplation. 

“i dislike having you so far away. you know your position is always open in snezhnaya.”

the position of head manager of not only the largest bank in the country but possibly all of teyvat. a job people still gossiped about in your absence. because surely you had to have done something wrong to have been transferred to a remote location. 

unknowing that it had been of your own violation. 

you tried not to think about the hand planted against the desk caging you in, close but not quite touching despite the intention. 

licking your lips, you focused instead at the slight crease in your clothing from a day of wear. “believe it or not, i quite like the weather here. the only ice i see is in my cup.”

pantalone hums thoughtfully, but the tone was different. more determined this time around. you could feel him trying to catch your gaze. 

it was another request not easily ignored as you felt a light touch under your chin. 

he didn't give you time to get lost in his gaze before speaking,” come home.”

home.

the word felt like splintering ice against the shell of your heart. unforgiving and unrelenting song that you struggled to ignore with each passing day. 

because at the end of the day, liyue was just a place of residence. an olive branch offered to win your compliance. 

because he never wanted you to run. he’d allow distance, as long as you were still in reach.

but liyue had been enough. 

enough space where you weren’t suffocated under the weight of memories frozen for eternity at home. even when they float effortlessly from the letters he sends. 

“i am-”

for the first time in awhile, you witness the cross look on his features. it almost makes you smile, witnessing the pinch of frustration on the face of a man who rarely was seen without a grin. 

and why would he not smile? he’d overcome the drought of poverty in his upbringing and now lived the fruit of his bearings. ones that he once offered to share with you, time and time again. 

“don’t lie to me.”

even when you tried to sever the ties, to learn to grow without his influence. you know deep down the top of you were rooted to the same spot, and it was by his generosity that you were about to branch this far. 

liyue was just another house, but not a home. 

he’d house you as far as sumeru if you needed as long as you didn't forget where you belonged. 

pantalone’s face softened as his hand dropped to follow the slouch of your body as you settled your weight fully against the wood. 

you should have known his letters were leading up to this. it was your own fault after all. the moment he felt you pulling away at the strings, he was bound to follow. 

your eyes dart distractedly to the sway of his earring as he rolls to his feet, neck angling to keep track as he stands at full height. 

there were moments. brief blimps in time, that you realized that even amongst the smog of rumors and truths, the regrator was just a man. 

and every man had his wants and desires. 

you just wished he’d left you as a whim. 

a wisp of a person on the barren streets of snezhnaya. 

that he hadn’t returned after years of separation, boasting bountiful funds and rich clothing as he stood on your tattered doorstep. 

you wished you hadn't welcomed him with open arms. 

wider legs. 

hadn’t remembered he who spent pennies to buy you sweets. 

not fallen in love with the person who held you above the gods who’d forsaken him.

 pantalone brackets your body with his hands on either side of your hips, thumbs resisting idleness as they swipe distractingly against your curves. “it would be nice to visit, would it not?”

he’s never been afraid of words, building an empire on carefully crafted sentences. but you were different. seated on the table, not on the other side and able to decipher the disguised plea. 

the wintery song.

‘come home’.

he hid it well in his letters too. 

always signed ‘ i await your return’.

home to him was the estate he’d built for you both. the wide spanning property with more rooms than you could visit in a week's time. it was well heated, a stark contrast to the thin walls of your past.

yet a different kind of chill had settled into the foundation. 

once you couldn't shake. 

not in front of a warm meal made by chefs of the highest regard. 

not by the roaring fireplace with a grateful head perched against your lap.

not even at night when strong arms held you close with the promise of never letting go. 

he’d asked once what had changed. you remembered the brief warmth of sunlight against the stark white snezhnayan snow as he stood behind you on the porch. he’d finally met his match, a puzzle he couldn't unravel despite spending every waking hour trying to fill the void you'd unveiled. 

you didn't have an answer for him then,

only offering the same sad smile today. 

the one that ate at his heart and stroked the fires under his vexation. 

again, he determinedly stole your lips in a through kiss, determined to reform the shape of your mouth. and you let him, because despite the ache in your heart you truly had no ill-intentions in making him suffer as well.

it was why you took the position in liyue. pressing the excuse that the branch needed a bit of monitoring under the watchful eye of a foreign archon. and of course you were just the person for the job. who else did he trust more?

led by the fainst spark in your eye at the idea, the brightest light he’d seen in months, he’d cautiously approved your transfer papers. he helped you pack your belongings, but never too many. 

certainly you didn’t need a full suitcase for a brief stay. 

but weeks spanned to months and time passed without the crunch of snezhnaya snow under your feet. it was cruel, but you felt a little satisfaction knowing you’d gone to a place that he could not easily follow. 

his harbinger status was too poignant to ignore and not welcome outside of the reach of the tsaritsa. you may not be running, but yet he could not heed your heels. 

so you let him soak in these moments, hands raising to lace together behind his neck, in hopes to placate him for a few months more. but deep down you knew the threads of restraint were fraying. this was his second visit in the span of three months. a feat for a man with his agenda.

which to most may not seem much, but with a man who functioned the world with the grace of a chessboard, he was losing too many pieces. desperation had led him to forsake the gods who denied him a vision and spite fate by buying it for himself. you didn’t want to know what that method of madness would mean for you. 

though in a way he have you a taste of it, in the fervent way he drank from your lips like a man parched. he touched you in ways meant to leave aches in place of the memories because those were harder to ignore. 

the way his fingers would curl, holding you in place as he nibbled –or bit. his hands would always stay stationary at one stop, concentrating all he had to that point alone so that he could make you feel good. 

his lips would always be latched somewhere so that you would not have room to say anything beyond broken moans and soft gasps. lips on your lips, lips on your neck, lips on your chest, lips between your thighs. his movements were somewhat strategic because after he was done with foreplay, ensuring that you were ready before taking it to the next step, he would slide into you and take you back to the oak scented sheets back in the mansion in snezhnaya.

he never let you feel the guilt of taking. because you always would, too weak against the reminder. 

the sex was good. no, perhaps … perhaps it was the art of making love that was good. felt good. felt right despite the world skewing it all.

when your nerves tightened just like a taut bow, you threw your head backwards, caught by his open hand and opened your mouth in a wordless scream, feeling everything fade away to red as your toes curled and your body trembled in release. he, too, sharply plunged in and out again, meshing his addictive-tasting mouth to yours, hands now roving against your wrists and holding them tightly into place as he dominated you purely on the fuel of his frustration. to quicken his impending climax, you shifted a little in place and clenched around him, hard, watching how he screwed his eyes shut whilst murmuring a sweet prayer against your lips before collapsing on top of you, spent. 

during this moment, you pretend you could see the blankets of snow instead of the golden arches of branches and rolling green plains. 

petting his back. minded of the scars he tried to hide from your wandering touches at night after returning home. 

desperately imagining that life was simpler. 

but your heart could not lie. 

not with the fast approaching reality. 

[queen-haq]

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 1

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Words: ~2200 words.

Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to any kind of emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*. 

Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost...

~~~~~~

You met Billy Russo at an industry conference two years ago. While you didn’t know much about military security at that time, your specialty was online security and both of you ended up attending a lot of the same events. He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen, magnetic and a total flirt, and it was obvious he was aware of his good looks and used it to his benefit. You didn’t sleep with him during the conference. Something told you his dance card was already full every night. So, instead, you exchanged contact information and left it at that.

 A year later you were hired as a consultant for one of Anvil’s direct competitors and moved to New York City. When Billy called you to meet for drinks, you knew exactly what he was up to. You were no fool. He wanted information on your employer and thought he could charm you into spilling secrets. You told him it wouldn’t work over a second drink, and he simply laughed.

 You didn’t fuck him until a month later. The official reason for the delay was conflicting schedules but mostly it was due to insecurity on your part. To the outside world you were attractive in the kind of way that snuck up on people. You weren’t the type to turn heads, like Billy was, and your fucked up childhood had ensured you didn’t let anyone in easily. It wasn’t until a pep talk from your best friend, Davina, about enjoying Billy Russo for what he was – a fun time and nothing more - did you finally decide to take the leap.

 Fucking Billy had been unlike anything you’d experienced before. You’d had sex before of course, but not the kind of sex that made you lose all of your inhibitions and scream and come for hours. Billy knew how to coax you out of your shell and demand things from him you’d never even knew you wanted. You fucked him in your apartment, his penthouse, the underground parking lot, in his car and that was all within the first week. He had opened up a whole new world for you and you were willing to try anything and do anything he wanted. After that first night together, all the walls you’d built around your heart collapsed. Your best friend warned you repeatedly that great sex made people confuse lust for love, that she was worried you were falling for Billy, but you told her you were an adult and could handle yourself.

 Of course that had been bullshit.

 It had been been almost a year now since you and Billy were sleeping together and you had no idea where you stood with him. You didn’t even know if he was fucking other women, though a part of you suspected he was. If he was with you two nights a week that left five other nights to be with someone else. It clawed at you, knowing you weren’t enough for him. It heightened all of your insecurities, made you believe that you were worthless and ugly just like your abusive father used to scream at you. Of course you’d never tell Billy that. The minute he suspected you were getting attached to him emotionally he’d bolt, he’d already warned you of that. So you kept your thoughts to yourself and let your pain eat away at your insides when he wasn’t with you.

 At least that had been the plan until you saw him on a date with Madani.

 You were at a restaurant with some of your coworkers, enjoying happy hour, when you got up to use the bathroom and spotted Billy sitting in the other corner of the room. The breath rushed out of your lungs, your knees felt weak. They were enraptured with each other, legs intertwined, heads close, a true couple. You knew who she was because he’d let it slip he’d been working with Homeland on something and, you being you, you’d looked her up. Her pictures didn’t do her justice, because she was stunning. And exactly the type of woman Billy would be proud to be seen with.

 After you and Billy started sleeping together, Billy rarely took you out. Sure you guys would go to some hole-in-the-wall places or fast food joints but never to fine restaurants, not like this one. You never complained because why waste time when you could be busy fucking his brains out? Except now that you saw him and Madani sitting only a few feet away from you, and he was proudly holding her hand and being openly affectionate, you realized it had all been by design. He never took you out because he was ashamed of you. If you had been prettier, thinner, sexier, taller – anything but what you already are – he’d want you as more than a fuck buddy. He’d want you as his girlfriend.

 It was a bitter pill to swallow but at least now you knew the truth and that meant you were back in control of your life.

 As much as it hurt, it felt good to know you were the ones making decisions about your future again and they didn’t revolve around Billy. No longer would you be obsessing over what he wanted, what he was doing, if he’d like a certain thing on you or not, if he was fucking someone else or not. You wouldn’t spend hours researching Billy like you did in the past and finding out things about him that he never knew you knew. No, now you were finally free.

 And it was time to move on.

 Tonight was the night of the fundraising gala. Your company had purchased a table and the CEO of your company had personally extended an invite for you to attend. Based on a conversation you had with Billy three weeks ago, you knew he would also be attending to represent Anvil. When you’d first broached the subject you’d hoped he’d asked you to attend as his date – but he hadn’t. At the time you’d reassured herself the reasons were practical. It would be weird for Billy to be sitting at a competitor’s table (if he went with you) and you would risk offending your boss if you sat at Billy’s. But now you knew the truth.

 So, tonight, you were dressed to the nines in a curve-hugging gold dress with a plunging neckline which emphasized all of your assets. Your heels, which cost more than the dress itself, were over five inches high and made you feel like an Amazonian goddess when you sauntered in them.

 When you walked into the ballroom with Davina in your arms that night, you felt confident in a way you hadn’t in a long time.

 The thing about you that a lot of people didn’t know was that you were fucking fantastic at owning a room – despite your insecurities. You may not be beautiful but you were charming. You were really great at getting strangers to open up, people were drawn to you. It was one of the reasons your CEO promoted you so quickly after a few months. Your job, initially at least, was meant to be a technical role but when you were invited to a party with potential clients you had schmoozed them so easily they had signed the contract within the week. And then you had impressed them with your actual technical skills which only cemented their positive impression of you.

 So, yeah, you were in your element and you were ready to charm.

 “What table are we?” Davina asked.

 “14,” you said. Of course your eyes were automatically drawn to Anvil’s table on the seating chart. 157. A safe distance from your table, which meant there was a good chance you two wouldn’t even be crossing paths in the grand ballroom. You didn’t know whether to be overjoyed or disappointed.

 A while later you were circulating around the north bar, chatting up with some potential clients that your boss had wanted you to pay particular attention to when you saw Dinah Madani. She was in one of those slinky, maroon satin dresses, her hair up, and you felt that surge of jealousy go through you again. She was probably here as Billy’s guest considering this wasn’t the kind of events Homeland agents typically attended.

 “Y/N!” You turned to find your boss waving you towards him.

 Glad for the distraction, you picked up two glasses of champagne from a nearby server and headed towards him, handing him his drink. Your boss was chatting to a group of people you vaguely recognized, but the smile on your face stiffened when you spotted Billy amongst them.

 Fuck. He looked good in a tux. His hair was slicked back, and you were struck with the sharp memory of fucking him in his car one night with your fingers roughly fisting his hair. God, you loved his hair, loved running your fingers through the silky strands.

 Billy’s eyebrow quirked up when he saw you and you wondered what he thought of you so dressed up. No. It didn’t matter what he thought of you. Fuck him, you reminded yourself.

 “Y/N is our new Executive Director,” your boss said, introducing you to the group. “Her division has shown a significant growth ever since she joined Valiant.”

 You smiled, shaking hands with everyone. When it was Billy’s turn, you reached out to clasp his hand, not betraying any emotion even though you felt an immediate charge upon touching him. He gave you an amused smile, like he was enjoying the charade.

 “Nice to meet you all,” you said. “And don’t listen to Roger. Valiant was doing fine on its own.”

 “But Y/N has definitely changed the way we do some of our regular operations. I didn’t realize how archaic this industry’s systems and processes were until she came along.”

 “Sounds like I may need to poach Y/N from Valiant,” Billy said with a smug smile, his eyes fixed on you.

 “Anvil couldn’t afford me,” you reciprocated with equal smugness.

 Roger laughed, patting your arm. “We’re not giving her up without a fight.”

 “Clearly,” Billy replied.

 The expression on Billy’s face was new to you, you had no idea what he was thinking but you also didn’t want to waste any more of your time obsessing over him.

 Roger leaned in closer, lowering his voice so others wouldn’t hear him. “Table 35. Those were the clients I told you about.” As you glanced over to the table he mentioned, your eyes met Billy’s. He was watching you intently, still with the unreadable mask on his face.

 Ignoring Billy, you flashed a confident smile up at Roger. “Don’t worry about it. It’s taken care of.”

 You turned back to the group, your gaze skipping past Billy’s. “It was a pleasure to meet you all. I hope you have a great evening.” Bidding everyone goodbye, you headed to Table 35.

 ***

An hour later you were on the terrace, enjoying the cold, crisp New York air that rattled your bone. You were exhausted. Networking took a lot out of you and now you just wanted to go home and soak in the tub. Davina, a natural extrovert, was still in the ballroom, flirting and socializing but you needed a few minutes of privacy so you had snuck outside to compose yourself.

 “Congratulations on the promotion.”

 Your jaw clenched as soon as you heard Billy’s voice from behind you. You turned around to look at him as he swaggered forward, closing the distance between the two of you.

 “You never told me,” he remarked.

 You shrugged your shoulders. “We didn’t tell each other a lot of things.”

 “I get the distinct feeling you’re pissed at me but I don’t know why. Care to fill me in?”

 “What reason would I have to be pissed at you?”

 “You tell me. I’ve called you-”

 “You’ve never called me,” you interjected.

 “Fine. Texted. Whatever.” Billy took a step closer, forcing you to look up at him. Even in your fucking stilettos, he towered over you. “You’ve been avoiding me for two weeks now. Why the ghosting?”

 “I just think it’s time I move on.”

 Oh, Billy didn’t like that. His eyes grew darker, so dark they were almost pitch-black. “Really? You’ve got the next one lined up already?”

 As much as you wanted to believe he was jealous, you knew that wasn’t the case. “We both know you don’t give a fuck about me so drop the fake jealousy bit.” You tried to walk past him but he grabbed your arm and pulled you close. You felt his angry breath skim over your skin as he glared down at you. “Let me go, Billy.”

 “Why?” he snarled. “So you can go fuck Roger?”

 “You really expect me to believe you’re jealous of me seeing someone else?” you snapped back. “Or is it because it’s Roger? He’s more successful than you, he’s your competitor, his company has been taking all the contracts you’ve been fighting for and now he’s got you beat in the one area you thought you excelled at. Fucking.” You angled forward on purpose, holding his gaze. “Here’s an idea. Why don’t you go fuck Roger and leave me out of it?” You smiled up at him. “Or does Madani not let you stray?”

 Understanding dawned on Billy’s face. “So that’s what this is about.”

Part Two

A/N - This is my first reader insert fic. Hope you guys enjoyed it. If you’d like me to tag you, please leave a comment or DM me.  

If you created this GIF, please let me know so I can give proper credit :)

[watiamdoingwithmylife666]

Hello !! I saw your Headcanon for Aot and I thought about how they would react if the reader (their s/o) saved their life ! Like for once they are the one needed to be saved and you save the day and all ! thank youuu !

Hii, I did my best, i hope you like it!

Warning: grammar error / curse?

Eren

Knowing Eren as much as you do make you always looking after him. And it has been useful a lot of time. But this time even more. You were together wandering in the city during your day off. Everything was fine, both of you were enjoying the sunny day. But that's until a group of men jumps on you and tried to put Eren in the back of the cart that pulls over a little bit further. You quickly fight back and manage to overcome two of them. After that You rush by Eren's side who was struggling to fight back against three other guys, together you briefly knock those guys before escaping in a hurry.

When you finally get back to the survey corp, you go warn the captain about what happened in the city. It's only after that you could have some peaceful time with Eren to talk about what happened.

"Thanks... For... You know, what you did. Thank you."

Jean

It's not unusual that you save Jean, or Jean saves you. You two are always here to save the ass of the other. Always grateful, he mostly repays you with extra food or doing a chore that you really don't want to do. But on a particular expedition, when things were heat, you didn't saw Jean anywhere in the field. The stress took over you and your eyes are scanning the area for more information. That's when you finally get your eyes on him that your heart dropped. Jean was in a bad state, you did as fast as you could to get him and bring him to the infirmary. He did lose a lot of blood, but he wasn't in danger anymore.

You decided to stay by his side the whole afternoon, you needed to be sure he was okay. So when he woke up, you had a big smile on your face, and he smiled back at you. Jean wanted to talk but his mouth was dried, you had to make him drank some water before he could finally talk.

"Damn, if I knew they had a pretty nurse here I would have come more often" you laugh at his remark, he was always playing the tough guy, even when he was hurt. "Thank you. You saved me again, it's like what? 7 for you and ... 5 for me?" He laughs but he looked sad now. "Maybe I'm not made for the survey corps... You gonna get tired to save my life when I can't even do it by myself..."

Sasha

Not that much to say, she will be grateful would do the same for you anytime. The situation doesn't even matter, if you save her, her eyes gonna be quickly wet and she will cry saying thank you for what you did. But don't hope that she will give you any food as a gift.

"Thank you! thank you so much! I always knew you were the best here!"

Mikasa

Mikasa was surrounded by titans, I mean everybody was in a difficult situation. But when you saw Mikasa in danger your blood run cold and join her in the middle of her surrounding. She was yelling at you to go away, that she can totally handle it on her own. But there is no way you leave her side. Slicing Titan's naps, again and again, You probably never killed that many titans in so little time, but the fact that Mikasa was in danger made you turn in the best soldier mode. Finally, when the danger was away from the two of you, you didn't take time to talk, other comrades needed your help right now. It's only on your way back that you felt something off. Most of the time, if it's not every time; Mikasa asked you if you are okay, or if you had been hurt. But not this time. She's next to you on her horse, but she doesn't look at you not even a glance. She's looking straightforward and that's all.

That's only later that day, just after diner, that your silent treatment was ending. She sat on her bed and asked you to sit next to her. She finally talked

"What you did today... It scared me. I thought I'd lose you, but you need to understand! I can't lose you! If you had been hurt today, it would have been because of me, and I couldn't handle the fact that I failed to protect you."

Levi

He would be so pissed off. His ego would be the problem. But he will never show you that. He gonna keep to himself the fact that you had to save him because he was careless, and he gonna be even rougher on himself with the training because that means he fails his team.

The situation would have happened outside of the wall, in the forest, where everyone was separated, and when everything gets overwhelming for everyone including you and Levi. It's not that he never face that many enemies at the same time. It's mostly because he was far too much tired, this boy didn't sleep well for a long time plus he was fighting all day. He was pushing his luck too far, and that is why you kept an eye on him, in case of something dramatic happened you could be there for him. And you were right. Too many things happened at the same time. That's how Levi didn't saw a titan behind him and kept fighting until he catches a glance at you at full speed coming near him. The look that crosses his face the moment he realizes what you did. His heart stopped for a second.

"thank you."

But even after saying thank you, when you get back home at the SC, he would asked you if he can offer a cup of tea as a thank.

"Thank you again Y/N, you fought well."

Erwin

This bitch had the audacity to say that he can be replaced. So let take this scene. Erwin just gave the order to charge and save Eren, the titan bite his arm, and you immediately turn over to follow him telling everyone that you're going to save him. Following him, you can see that he managed to get away from the titan. He was now yelling at you that you disobey, that you put yourself in danger for him, and that it was stupid. But before he could finish, some titans approach the two of you real quick making Erwin fall. You put yourself between him and the threat just in time, cutting the naps of any titans coming nearby your commander. As soon as possible you help Erwin to get back on his horse and do the same; Calling for retreat You keep an eye on him the whole way back within the wall. You can clearly see he doesn't feel good. His face is vivid, his eyes grow tired. So you're going with Erwin on his horse. The commander is big and you have some difficulties keeping him straight, you can feel his body becoming heavier the more you advance. You talk to him, ask him to not fall asleep, and he swears he does his best, but the rush of adrenaline that kept him awake fades with time.

Later that week, when you can finally see him you rush to his room. Levi just left, leaving you and the commander alone. He doesn't say a word at first, but when he finally breaks the silence he breaks your heart with it.

"I had time to think in this state. A part of me wants to say thank you for what you did. You fought well, kept me in security, and even took care of bringing me back... But it was stupid. You put yourself in danger for me when I am nothing more than your commander. Eren was in danger, and our best chance for the future, he was the best option to save. Not me, not after leading so many peoples to their death."

Miche

He has been in a difficult situation, but this time he was wondering how he could possibly survive. His squad and he had been separated. He was now alone smelling like two or three titans coming right in his direction. And the cherry on top, he was on the verge to running of out of gas. He can't see any of his comrades anywhere, his brain shows every possibilities. But the best is still going away by horse and try to find other soldiers. And luckily on his way, he crosses your path and feels relief. A part of him was scared that something happened to you. But just when he sighed, an abnormal titan runs straight to you. Both of you are now ready to fight and when you engage it the titan grabs Miche's wire. With its other hand, the titan grabs Miche's body and brings it to its mouth. But just before the worst happens you slice the nape and catch Miche before he gets crushed by the titan's body.

"It was close... Thank you y/n... Without you, I would have probably not made it alive."

Hange

Oh, welcome to the club, Moblit is the president of the club. Hange is reckless inside the wall when they do their experiments. But outside it's a little bit different. They're more aware of their surrounding. Saving them would happen quite some times. But this time was out of the ordinary. During the first test of the thunder spear, Hange was dangerously close to the spear. Moblit was yelling, as usual, to put some distance with the explosive. But as expected Hange didn't listen. And the spear was just a prototype, at this time, explode. Thank god you were fast, jumping on Hange to take them further. Their eyes were wide open, their look fulls of guiltiness. Moblit joins the two of you quick, asking if any of you had been hurt.

"I am so sorry Y/N, really! I put you in unnecessary danger, I hope you are okay? did you get hurt? Let me take you to the infirmary just in case, please!"

Moblit

Oh sorry, you thought you could save him? This boy is not a titan nor an Ackerman. But he doesn't need that. He is the assistant of Hange, what are you expecting from him? He doesn't need "instinct" like Levi or Mikasa. He got Anxiety, that far better. Every worst scenario happens? He already had them in his mind. The only thing that gets him, it if HE decides to. (like sacrifice himself for hange)

But if you happen to save his ass. Damn he gonna be grateful.

"I am really sorry Y/N, I've been careless. I hope you are not mad at me. I'm so grateful you were here it could have been disastrous... Thank you so much."

Kenny

Kenny and you know each other, not even for illegal things, you just happened to meet him and be nice to him that you became some kind of ... Friends? I mean you don't know shit about his life but it's the same for him. So friends is probably a big word.

But the time you saved him... You didn't really do it on purpose. His squad was at Trost and yours too. He was chasing after a bad guy (how ironic) and you were chasing after a group of people that stole something from the SC. You were running on the roofs using your equipment to go faster. You did not notice on your peripheral vision another group of persons using ODM, no your mind thought it was your squad. So, when a guy appears on the other side pointing a gun in your direction, you didn't think twice. Firing your ODM hook in his leg, before kicking him in the face. But that when you realize. The people approaching weren't your squad. Those were complete strangers.

" Y/N ? What the Fuck are you doing here ?!" you knew this voice and you jump to see his face.

"what? I fucking saved your life, the least you can do is to say thank you! "

"YOU WHAT ? You didn't do shit!"

"This bullet was meant for YOU!"

"You can't prove that, i'm not saying thank you."

[genshin-obsessed]

Kabedon | Genshin Impact

Okkk sooo I did this cuz my friend wanted to see it lol and I've been wanting to do a p2 to this FOR LIKE EVER!! I think this is spicier than the original and it's not intended but it just turned out like that.

Includes: Kaeya, Thoma, Kazuha, and Beidou

Part 1

» Kaeya

Lmao, HE LOVES IT!!!

Baby, have you seen your face? Especially when he does that? God, he can’t help it. He just loves to tease you.

He doesn’t do it all the time cuz then it would lose its effect. So he’ll do it whenever you’re super distracted and then spaces them out to like once a month or something.

“(y/n) are you listening?” Kaeya mumbled, poking your arm. You nodded but you were so invested in this little item you’d found it with Albedo in the mountains. It was an odd little crystal, one neither of you had seen before.

Now that was great and all, but you were supposed to be spending time with Kaeya and he didn’t like it when you didn’t pay attention to him. Kaeya racked his brain for any ideas on what he wanted to do… when one particular idea stuck out. A smirk appeared on his face as he slowly sat up, without you noticing of course.

You yelped as you felt your back hit the couch, the small crystal slipping from your hand and falling to the ground. You didn’t pay attention to it, your eyes locked with your boyfriend’s, who hovered above you.

His face was so close and his lips could almost touch yours. You leaned up, only for him to pull away. He chuckled as your blush deepened.

“Oh, now you want a kiss? You’ll have to earn it first, seeing as how you decided to ignore me earlier.”

» Thoma

Oh, he loves it.

You look so damn cute with that blush, how can he not?

He has to restrain himself lol you’ll get used to it otherwise.

You smiled to yourself as you walked down the streets of Ritou in search of your favorite person. Your eyes scanned the groups of people hoping to spot your boyfriend, but sadly you didn’t see him. You moved to the side and against a wall when you saw a large group of people walking by. They seemed rather excited and you smiled as you watched them walk away.

You should’ve been paying attention, because the second you lost concentration, Thoma took his chance. He jumped out, slamming his hands onto the wall behind you. He stood only a few inches away and you could feel the heat emanating from him.

“Wh-what…” you looked up at him, eyes wide, cheeks bright red, trying to form words. But when he stood so close that you could smell his sweet scent it was hard to think. He was so handsome and no matter how many times you looked at him, he always seemed more beautiful than the last time you saw him.

“Your face gets so cute like this and you wonder why I like doing this. Look at you,” he mumbled, slowly moving his hand to cup your cheek. You could feel how warm your cheeks were and Thoma just chuckled, “so damn cute.”

» Kazuha

Hmm, he doesn’t really get it.

You blush really hard though and so he likes that! It also makes him feel really awkward so...

He’ll do it every now and then, but it’s really rare.

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Just try it! They’ll like it!” Beidou laughed, patting Kazuha’s shoulder. The man felt a little weird as he went over the scenario in his head. He was just spending his day like he normally would when a rather tipsy Beidou came to him and asked if he’d ever “kabedoned” you. He had no idea what she was talking about and asked for more details. Poor Kazuha.

Beidou told him what it was and how to do it, insisting that you would like it! At first, Kazuha wasn’t sure but if it would make you happy then it wouldn’t hurt, right?

Anyway, Kazuha went on a mini-search for you and when he found you… he needed to hype himself up a little. He took a deep breath, cracked his knuckles a little, then swooped it.

You weren’t paying attention- which was perfect. He stopped in front of you and pushed you against the wall, making sure to keep your head from hitting it. You gasped and your eyes widened as you saw your boyfriend’s face dangerously close to your own. You held your breath as you stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity.

Kazuha slowly pulled back- but not too far- and smiled a little. Though it seemed like his usual gentle, sweet smile, you could see the mischievousness behind his ruby eyes.

“You look very cute like that, (y/n). Thank you for letting me do this.” You weren’t able to form any words and only stared at him as he backed away. You could feel your cheeks warm up and all you could imagine was him doing that again.

Kazuha looked VERY different when he did stuff like that.

» Beidou

Oh, she loves it!!!

She loves to fluster you at any chance she gets!! And she’s kinda good at it!!

The way she does it keeps you from getting used to it. So she can do it whenever she wants and she does it like all the damn time. BUT she will put breaks in between. Sometimes she’ll do it like four times in a row, then never again for two months.

You stretched as you walked onto the deck, eyes gazing out towards the bright sky. You weren’t very used to being out at sea like this, but you were willing to do so for your girlfriend. It was sometimes peaceful, you were able to watch the fish and dolphins swim by, but other times, you could be caught in a storm. Those days terrified you. Especially when you saw large waves roll by, you always wondered how dark it was under them.

While you were lost in thought, you didn’t notice your sneaky girlfriend tiptoe over to you. Your mind was elsewhere and she definitely took notice, taking her chance when she had one.

You gasped when you felt her press against your back, her hands slamming against the wooden frame in front of you. You stiffened as you felt her chin land on your shoulder. You felt that blush on your cheeks and were thankful she couldn’t see your face, but… Beidou knew. She knew, especially by the way you tensed against her.

“Aw, are you blushing? Will you let me see, (y/n)?” You quickly shook your head, trying to hide your face in your hands, but she stopped you. “Don’t do that, you know I love it when you blush.”

“Stop teasing me so much…” you mumbled, finally turning in her arms and looking at her. Her gaze softened and she hugged you, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“I do it because I love you.” Your arms slowly wrapped around her waist and you buried your face in her chest, not wanting her to see your blush any further.

You best believe she knew how flustered you were and she was very, very proud of herself.

[superfics-forone]

Just Friends

SUMMARY: Sam asks the group who they think are the “hottest” members of the team. You don’t make the cute for Bucky’s top five.

Bucky x TALL!Reader

W/C: 5,800

WARNINGS: angst, swearing (like two f bombs), cannon level violence, Bucky being an idiot (it’s a warning), physical insecurities, fake science

A/N: I wrote this because the top 5 situation actually happened to me IRL and when you don’t make someone you like’s list, it sucks. Also, this is in no way meant as being against people who are smaller! I am just a tall/plus size woman and sometimes that really makes you feel like you’re unattractive to people because you don’t fit the gender norm. Let me know what you think! I’m pretty new at this so I’d appreciate the feedback!

Also, HUGE shout out to @princessmisery666 for being so patient and supportive! Thank you for being my beta! Your comments were so incredibly helpful!

The best part about working with Bucky was that you got to see him everyday. The worst part was that you were constantly reminded that he wasn’t attracted to you.

You knew you were a good looking woman, people would often tell you that. It usually happened when you weren’t necessarily feeling your prettiest. Somehow that made it worse. Others would compliment you but he never would. Even when you knew you looked good- like you had put in extra effort and actually tried that day- still he would give you nothing.

You sat across from him in the common room looking at all the other Avengers wondering why he didn’t feel the same when you finally got your answer.

“Alright man,” Sam called out to the group. “Top five, let’s go.”

“Top five?” asked Clint, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. “Top five what?”

Everyone looked back to Sam, - “Top five on who you think is lookin’ most fine”.

“You want us to rate each other?” You asked incredulously.

“Naw, man!” Sam replied. “I want to know who you think are the top five most attractive! Male and female!”

You slunk back into the sofa, both curious and terrified of the conversation to come.

You heard huffs from the others but no one objected. Vision went first and of course he could only answer with; “I believe all of you are inherently lovely. I couldn’t possibly pick a top five of those who I find to be most attractive.” As soon as he finished and the room was no longer focused on him though he leaned over to Wanda and said something in her ear that made her blush.

You brought your cup up to your lips to hide your smile. You loved how happy they were after having been through so much heartbreak.

Sam went next, “Imma say, Wanda, Nat, Gamora’s got it goin’ on…for an alien…Hill - don’t tell her I said that- and…Y/N,” he said throwing you a wink.

You smiled but shook your head with a roll of your eyes. You knew the only reason he said your name was because you were in the room. He was trying to be kind. Men didn’t seem to be actively lining up to be with you…it might have something to do with them being intimidated by you being an Avenger but who could possibly know

“Sam you would think anything with legs that gave you the time of day was hot,” Bucky shot.

The others laughed but Sam shot back, “alright, Tin Man, who’s on your list? Okoye?”

“Yeah for one! I would be dead before I could make a move but sure! She’s dangerous and stunning!” He took a swig of bourbon as if he was done.

“Alright then who else?” Wanda leaned forward winking at you.

You shot her a warning look. You had only told her how you felt about Bucky once on a drunken night after finding out he had gone on date with another recruit. Jealousy had reared its ugly head and she could feel your angst that night. You had asked Wanda how; “A tiny little thing that would barely hold her own in the ring,” could possibly catch his eye. It was as if the only thing he saw you as was an ear to listen to his problems and a soldier he could rely on in the field. You had seen them together multiple times since then and every time it pained you more.

She was everything you weren’t. Barely five foot, two inches tall with a skinny frame to match, and a nicely formed backside. In reality you couldn’t be mad at Bucky. He deserved to be happy. He was your friend and you wanted that for him. You just wanted that particular happiness too.

“Okay, okay!” Bucky’s hands came up in surrender as he finished his drink and leaned back to think, He sat so close to you his left bicep of his folded arms brushed yours with every breath he took.“Okoye? Sure…uh… in no particular order…Wanda, Nat, Darcy, and the little woman, Kris, from reception.”

“It seems, Mr. Barnes”, said Vision, “that you prefer mates who are significantly smaller than you. I do believe that of that group, Wanda is the tallest one.”

“Which isn’t really saying much because I’m only five, six”, she complained.

“The perfect height my dear.” Wanda smiled at that and kissed Vision’s cheek .

You took another long sip of your drink as you registered what had been said. Your stomach soured as you finished the glass. Not so much from the alcohol as from the realization that the man who you had secretly been pinning over didn’t even list you as attractive enough to make his top five.

You felt like you knew why. It was just too much. You weren’t small and dainty like those on his list. You had big bones and a can do attitude. You wouldn’t take crap from people. And because you were so tall you could come off as intimidating…or so some men had told you.

“I’m going to get another drink,” You whispered to no one in particular.

But Sam really couldn’t read a room and he called you out. “No, no! Who’s on your list Y/N?”

“Oh no!” You said dryly. “I’d have to be much drunker for that conversation. For now, I'll keep my opinions to myself.”

You spotted Bucky’s surprised face before you made your way over to the bar. The conversation carried on behind you as you refilled your glass. Thoughts of Bucky’s revelation clouding your mind. You were never going to be good enough for him because you were just too big. Too tall. Too much. He liked the smallest, most petite women in the compound. Feeling your emotions swelling,you decided to grab the bottle and made your way quietly out of the room while the ruckus continued.

Once on your floor you closed the door behind you with a forceful slam, “FRIDAY!! Lock the door and don’t open it for anyone!!”

“Yes, Miss Y/L/N.”

The rest of the night was spent on the floor in your sweats drinking from your bottle of whiskey and feeling sorry for yourself and all the things you couldn’t be because of biology.

You weren’t sure if it was a drunken stupor or your imagination but at one point you could have sworn you heard a knock only for it to go away just as quickly.

…

The next day you had an awful hangover and didn’t get out of bed. Bucky came to your door for your normal morning run.

“Tell him I’m not going, Friday.”

“He would like to know why, Miss.”

“Tell him it’s my time of the month.”

“Your time of the month was last week, Miss.”

“Who’s side are you on, Friday? Just tell him I’m sick.”

“Very well, Miss.”

It was silent for a few moments and you had thought that would be enough to get Bucky off your back for now.

“Mr. Barnes would like to know if you’d like to see Dr. Cho, Miss.”

“Uuuugggghhhh,” you rolled out of bed and marched over, irritated that the one person you didn’t want to see was at your door.Pulling it open with a huff you practically screamed. “What?!?”

“Woah!” Bucky jumped back startled at your disheveled appearance and puffy eyes. “I just want to make sure you’re alright, doll. You didn’t come back last night and you never answered the door when I came to check on you.”

So there was a knock last night.

You couldn’t look him in the eye as your eyes filled with tears again, this time with shame. “I’m fine, Bucky.” You started shutting the door quickly and he stuck his hand on it preventing you from closing it again.

“Y/N…what’s…”

“Bucky, I just need some rest okay?” You cut him off, “I’m fine. I promise I’ll be right as rain tomorrow.” You smiled weakly.

Bucky searched your face as if trying to find what you weren’t telling him in your eyes. But you were an Avenger and you knew how to school your features to show nothing.

Bucky sighed and shook his head, “alright, doll. I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”

“Yes, fine,” you said pushing him out the door. Your eyes had flooded with tears again. You didn’t look up to see Bucky’s hurt and concerned face as you closed the door again and put your back to it.

You held your breath listening for his footsteps to retreat before sinking to the floor and crying.

…

The next day was an all out avoid Bucky day. You weren’t sure you could take the questions and worried looks he was sure to give you. Instead, you decided that what you needed was time away from such temptation. And so, you went in to ask Steve for an overseas long assignment.

“You sure about this one, Y/N. It’s a 9 month solo mission. It’s going to be long and it’s going to be lonely.”

“Yes. I’m sure. I need some time to myself.”

Steve looked at you with understanding and pity. He could see how you felt about Bucky even if he couldn’t get his best friend to see it as well.

“Alright,” he said, “suit up. You leave in 2 hours.”

South Africa wasn’t the worst assignment. It wouldn’t take long for you to get the information you needed. And the separation from Bucky would be good for you.

You finished checking your last weapon and loaded it as well as a pair of throwing knives, a gift from Bucky, into your duffle before looking around your room one more time.

You headed to the door and almost made it out until the picture of you and Bucky on your dresser made you stop. Picking it up you smiled at the memory of the minor league baseball game you’d attended together. You had won tickets and no one else was available that night. When you’d offered the tickets to Bucky you couldn’t believe that he said yes! It was the true start of your friendship, talking about life and how much it had changed for him but also how little it had changed for you. He couldn’t believe it when you started singing all the words to “I’ll never smile again”.

“You think I don’t know music? I’m quite cultured, Mr. Barnes!” You had said with a laugh.

“I never said you weren’t, sweetheart!”

Coming back out of your revelry with a start you put the picture back down on the dresser and turned to the door. You were going to get over this infatuation, even if it killed you. Supposedly time heals all wounds. Well you weren’t sure if there was ever going to be enough time but you could get distance.

…

Hours later Bucky came in to tell you about the relationship problems he was having with the girl from reception. She just didn’t seem to understand him and kept picking fights. You had become his confidant and had saved his relationship once before so would most likely be able to do it again.

He was almost to your room when he noticed your door was ajar. Slowing he moved closer and pushed it in silently. The room was neat and quiet. Your bed folded nicely as though it was always that way.

Bucky knew that you never made your bed until you were right about to get in it. Or unless you were going on a trip.

Checking carefully he started to notice things missing. Your favorite slippers were gone. Your tooth brush and favorite stuffed animal turtle were also missing. All of the things that you felt you had to have with you were gone.

Then he saw the picture frame on the dresser. Picking it up he too smiled at the memory, then frowned. It was still here. You almost always took this with you. Why was it still here but everything else you held of value was gone.

“Friday, where is Y/N?”

“Miss Y/L/N has volunteered for a mission, sir.”

“Where?”

“That information is classified.”

“Okay, when will she be back?”

“That information is classified.”

“Alright, who else went on the mission,” he asked hoping whoever it was would have your back.

“All other Avengers are currently in the compound.”

“So she went by herself?” Bucky fumed.

“That information is classified.”

“Damn robots!”

Bucky stormed out and found Steve in the kitchen.

“Where did you send her, punk!

Steve didn’t even look up from his newspaper, knowing exactly what his best friend was talking about.

“She’ll be fine, Buck. She just needs some time to herself.”

“So send her to Fiji! Not a solo mission!!”

“This is her call Bucky. You’ve got to trust her.”

Bucky spun on his heel and headed to the computer lab. He knew he was being irrational but if no one else was going to look after your well-being then he was going to have to do it himself.

It took him all day but he finally unencrypted the files for your mission. You were to carry out a recon mission in Port Elizabeth on a supposed Hydra base. It was a far cry from Fiji but you wouldn’t be in immediate danger.

Still he came in everyday to check in on your reports and find out how the events in the country were progressing. He had even convinced Torres to help him set up notifications to his phone if something were to go wrong. He had, very nicely, threatened him with knives if he didn’t set up Stark’s satellite to keep an eye on you.

After three weeks he was really starting to miss your company. Every time he went out with Kris from reception he realized that she just wasn’t as interesting as you. They didn’t have the same camaraderie and chemistry as the two of you did.

So when his phone dinged at 2:30am he looked at the notification. It was a satellite image of you on your apartment porch drinking coffee. You seemed at ease and calm at your small table. Your hair down and wearing a long red dress. He went to the live feed of the satellite but when he did you weren’t there.

Bucky refreshed the page again thinking it may be just an error. But his rising heartbeat made him think differently. When the screen came back he noticed the upturned coffee mug and the newspapers on the ground.

Bucky flew from his bed and raced down the hall to the command room. Steve and Tony were already there, still in their pajamas.

“…it’s not as if she has a tracker in her, Stark!”

“Well maybe she should! Maybe we should make it a standard issue! Everyone gets a tracker! Friday! Make a note!”

“Yes sir.” replied the AI.

“Tony, we need to focus on the…”

“Where is she?!” Bucky growled.

Both men turned around in surprise. Steve recovered first, his eyes sympathetic for his friend’s worry. “We’re not sure, Buck. These images were only taken 4 hours ago.” He clicked to zoom in closer, “but we did get this.”

He zoomed all the way into the kitchen window behind where you’d sat drinking coffee, where a face reflected in the glass. Bucky looked on in rage, hands in tight fists, as the image became clearer and Zemo came into focus.

…

You awoke with a start, unaware of your surroundings. You sat on a bed in a bare room with a single one way mirror. A metal chair sat by the wall and you noticed no handle on the door. Trying to piece together what had happened you recalled your last memory.

A beautiful morning, the sun shining on the water, a freshly brewed cup of coffee. You sat in your apartment in Port Elizabeth, a pain in your neck…

“Zemo,” you whispered.

“Ah, you’re awake,” said the speaker above you. “I’m sorry about the dramatics but it was necessary. You’re a very important piece of the puzzle.”

“Let me guess,” you said as you rolled your eyes. “You don’t like the way the world is being saved by the Avengers and you think you could do better.”

“Actually I want something else, мой дорогой. I need you.”

“What?” you cried befuddled. “Why on earth would you need me?”

“Do you know what TX-39 is?”

“Yes, I have an entire codex of arbitrary numbers logged away in my brain,” you retorted.

Zemo didn’t pause at your sarcasm. “TX-39 is the compound used to create nucleotides that bond onto nerve endings. By doing so they suspend brain signals stopping all neuro function and rendering the subject immoble. Something you have experienced first hand. By combining a nanotech inhibitor with this nerve ending your subject’s direct motor function is now open to...suggestions.”

You sat astounded as you registered what he had told you. You looked down at your hands but you didn’t feel different. There was no way something like this could work.

“What better way to get rid of a super soldier than to create your own?” Zemo said. You felt a slight buzz in your spine as you stood up quickly trying to resist. Running to the mirror you pulled back your arm, ready to punch your way out, but an inch from the glass your arm stopped. “Ironic that the Soldat will come to save you, only to be the one who needs to be saved.” With that you felt the electricity in your spine disappear and your body was your own again.

Frustration built within you as you sat back on the bed for a moment processing his statement. Your face became more and more incredulous until finally you burst out laughing. You continued laughing harder and harder at the absurdity of Zemo’s reasoning.

“You think I’m the one he is going to come after,” you laughed. “You think you picked the right mouse for your trap? You’re going to wait a long time if you think he’s going to come and get me.”

During your first few weeks away you had missed Bucky fiercely. Leaving him behind so abruptly had felt like severing a part of yourself, but the last few weeks had been good for you. You had forgotten what it was like to rely on yourself. You had grown into yourself again and had realized how little Bucky had actually cared for you when he never came to find you. He hadn’t so much as picked up the phone after you had left. It was as if you had never existed in the first place.

“Bucky doesn’t care about me,” you said sardonically. “He never has. We are barely even friends.You picked the wrong mouse, Zemo. ”

“We’ll see, дорогой,” and with a click he was gone.

Your brain shifted in and out of the conversation with Zemo. Looking down at your hands, you prayed it wasn’t true. You knew that what had happened at the window was real but you didn’t want to believe it. You had been turned into a weapon to hurt your friends. To hurt Bucky.

Crossing your arms over your chest you laid down on the bed, rolled over to face the wall, and cried.

…

Avengers Compound

“There is a five mile radius around Agent Y/L/N last known location,” said Fury. “Two man teams will sweep the area in a grid formation while the drones scan for energy signatures. Any questions?”

All those around the table sat silent, but nodded confirmation of their understanding of the objective. Fury looked around the room, “This mother fucker took one of ours and I wanna know why. Let’s get going.”

Bucky stood up from the table and made his way out of the room to the Quinjet hangar. Steve pulled on his arm before entering the plane. “I know what’s going through your mind right now Buck, but we are going to get her back”.

Bucky looked at the ground before raising his eyes to his friend. “He knew how to get to me, Steve. He always knows where to hurt me. He couldn’t use you. You’re too difficult to overpower. So he had to pick her. I just,” Bucky wasn’t sure how to finish his thought. Words never came easily to him and he wasn’t sure he could really express what he was feeling. “I just want her safe.”

After you had left Bucky felt hollow inside. He hadn’t realized how much joy you brought to his day with your smiles and jokes. Always knowing what to say, or at least, what he needed to hear. Your departure made him realize he needed you. Boarding the jet Bucky knew that no matter what happened he was going to tell you how he felt.

…

The team had been sweeping through the city for what felt like hours and there still hadn’t been any developments. Walking through another alleyway Bucky scanned the cobblestone streets. He was beginning to lose hope at ever finding you at all when he saw an uneven line in between two buildings.

Pressing his comm link he called out, “Steve, I’ve got something. I’m going to check it out.”

“Bucky, wait for backup. We’ll come to you.”

Feeling along the wall Bucky felt a draft between the cracks. Unholstering the gun at his hip he pushed against the wall feeling it give way.

“I’m going in. Follow my location.”

“Bucky, wait!” Steve called.

Bucky ignored his calls and continued down the dimly lit hall. The walls opened up to a staircase leading down to a command room. The musky scent of decay and scotch filled Bucky’s nostrils.

“Privet, Soldat,” Zemo called from the darkness.

Bucky whirled around to find nothing.

“Have you come for your little mouse?”

Still searching, Bucky said nothing as the sound came from a different corner of the room.

“Have you realized how much you miss her?”

Bucky circled again, coming up to a window.

“I wonder what it is? Is it her sweetness that draws you? Or her willingness to see you for more than the killer you are?”

Bucky frowned. Zemo was playing with him.

“Or have you realized that her fire is what draws you to her? She does have a talented tongue. I’ve seen her put it to good use,” Zemo provoked. “I have enjoyed having her in my company, but it seems you really never appreciated her spirit, did you?”

Bucky continued searching the room as Zemo continued his monologue. Coming up to the computer he saw a paused video feed. It played as soon as he stepped forward.

Bucky saw you in a room, still in your red sundress. Your hair was matted and you had the look in your eye of anger and exasperation. When you spoke, Bucky felt the wind rush out of his lungs.

“Bucky doesn’t care about me,” you said sardonically. “He never has. We are barely even friends.”

“A pity she never saw you care, but I suppose it’s only fair that you tell her now.”

The door beside the window clicked open with a beep. You came out of the cell with a look of wary surprise on your face. “Bucky?”

“Now is your moment, Sergeant Barnes. Why not tell her how you feel before it's too late,” called Zemo.

Bucky holstered his gun and walked toward you. “Y/N? Are you okay? Come on, let's get out of here.”

He grabbed your hand and turned to go but you were rooted to the spot. Your breathing became heavy as you felt the tingling sensation in your spine again.

“Bucky, I need you to leave,” you cried, dread dripping from your voice.

“What? No,sweetheart, come on! I’m not leaving you.”

“Bucky, I…” you started.

“Last chance to declare yourself, Soldat.”

Looking up in anger, Bucky yelled. “Shut up, Zemo. I’m not performing for you-” Bucky’s head turned in surprise as you punched him across the face. “What the hell, Y/N?”

“It wasn’t me!” you cried as you dropped and kicked his legs out from under him.

Bucky rolled over quickly to pick himself up as you followed him swinging punches at his head and kicks to his stomach. Your moves were both erratic and efficient as they landed multiple times. It was all Bucky could do to block your assault and move out of the way.

“This isn’t me!” you cried again between punches. “Zemo is controlling me with nanotech!”

Bucky threw up an arm to block your punch before flipping you around by your arm and pressing you to the wall. He didn’t want to hurt you but he was pretty sure that it wasn’t the most comfortable position.

“It’s okay, Y/N. We’re going to get you out of this.”

Your foot kicked his leg and you pushed yourself over and around his head and away from the wall. Grabbing the knife at his hip as you slipped out of his grip, you threw it into his thigh.

Bucky looked at you in surprise and annoyance. “Sorry!” you winced. Pulling the knife from his leg he tossed it to the floor.

“Look, Y/N. I’m not going anywhere, but try not to kill me, okay?”

“It’s not like I’m doing this on purpose Bucky!” you huffed as you charged at him.

“Well I’m just trying to get you out of the problem you put yourself in!” You had grabbed another knife and went to stab him. Bucky caught the knife and twisted your hand but the knife snagged your dress and tore the skirt as you fought to wrestle it away.

Your eyes flared with anger and the next punch you threw had a little extra heft in it.

“That I put myself in? How about you, Mr. Barge-into-a-room-with-no-back-up!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you liked being saved! Although you’re one to talk! You came on a mission without backup!” Bucky rolled across the computer console out of the way of your next kick, getting agitated at your attitude.

“Because I needed space!” you yelled as you followed him around the computer desk.

“Space? Space from what?” Bucky yelled back, actually throwing a punch that you easily evaded.

“You! You idiot!” it burst out of you as you came up swinging before pushing him to the ground.

Bucky looked up at you with his eyes wide. You had him straddled under your legs. Bucky brought his arms up to block your punches while he tried to talk to you.

“Why would you need space from me? I don’t understand. You left without warning, without saying goodbye! Your mission was classified so I had to hack F.R.I.D.A.Y to even find out where you were!”

Your body was starting to fatigue from the strain of the fight as you continued to land blow after blow. You were fit and well trained but because your body was not your own you were blowing through energy rapidly. Your breaths were coming in short gasps as your chest heaved at each punch. If you kept this up, you weren’t sure how much time you would have before your body gave out entirely.

“Y/N, you left a huge gap! You were my best friend and then you were gone! You wouldn’t even talk to me before you left! You didn’t tell me you were leaving. I couldn’t even call you because the mission was supposed to be classified!”

Maybe it was the fatigue, maybe the hopelessness you felt, but you gave him everything you had left as you pummeled into him. Frustration over your situation, frustration at him, frustration at yourself built up inside you.

“I WILL NOT BE YOUR STAND IN! I will not be second best. I can’t look on anymore as you find someone smaller, cuter, littler to fit perfectly into your life! I deserve to be wanted! I deserve to be desired!” you screamed at the man beneath you as tears streamed down your cheeks.

Bucky finally bucked his hips and flipped you under him, pinning your hands to the ground next to your head.

“Get off of me! Let me go!” you had finally had enough. The damn had broken and your emotions and insecurities raged inside you. Your body pulled and twisted to break free from his grip.

“You do deserve to be desired,” Bucky said calmly as he caged you beneath him. “You are nobody's stand in. You’re perfect just as you are.” He wanted to say more but it was all he could do to keep you pinned under him.

The team burst down into the control room to see you openly weeping and Bucky on top of you.

“Nat, I need you to put an electric burst in my arm.” Bucky said looking up.

“I’m sorry, you what?” asked Nat.

“Just do it!” he said as you fought harder against him.

With a nod from Steve, Nat waved her baton and zapped Bucky’s arm causing both of you to scream in pain. When your body finally stopped seizing, the lack of adrenaline and the pain and fatigue caught up to you and you passed out in Bucky’s arms.

“You want to explain why I just pushed fifty thousand volts through you two?”

“Zemo infected her with some kind of nano tech. She hasn’t been in control this entire time.”

Steve scanned around the room. “Alright team, fan out. See if you can find out where Zemo went. I want teams down here with sat links up in 30 minutes.”

Bucky circled the gears around in his arm to get it up and running again before scooping you carefully off the ground.

“Buck, get her on the next jet out. Dr. Cho and Banner will be waiting for you to get back.”

…

For the second time you woke up in an unfamiliar place, and struggled to get your bearings. You felt like you’d been run over by a pick up truck and tumbled through a dryer.

Feeling slowly returned to your hands as your eyes opened and your vision cleared. You were in one of the medical rooms at the compound you realized.

“Look who decided to wake up,” said a gruff voice.

Turning your head you saw Bucky sitting in the chair beside you. He looked fresh and his eyes twinkled at you.

“Bucky,” you croaked as you tried to sit up.

“Woah there. You just relax. Your body is still trying to catch up from Zemo’s nanites.”

You slumped back down in the bed as Bucky leaned forward to take your hand.

“You had me worried there for a minute, doll. You’ve been sleeping for days. Wasn’t sure when you were going to pull through.”

“You doubt me, Barnes?”

“Not for a second, sweetheart, but I sure as hell missed you.” Bucky smiled, then looked down for a moment as if trying to find the right words. “We need to talk about why you left, Y/N.”

“No, Bucky, I...it doesn’t matter.” You say looking away. “It’s not important.”

“I don’t know, I’d say you thinking you don’t matter to me is pretty important.” You turned to look at him sharply, mouth open in a small gasp. “And I’d also say that you thinking I don’t find you desirable is pretty important too.”

You sat in shock as he spoke, not wanting to break the way you had during your fight.

“Y/N, you are perfect. You knew me before I even knew myself. You light up the whole room just by being in it. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You are strong, independent, kind, and gentle. You’re like a tall Asgardian goddess. Every inch of you is beautiful. I thought back to the last time we talked...before you left, and I realized why you did. I know why you thought I wasn’t attracted to you. That night, Sam’s list,” he paused as if pained at the memory, “I didn’t add you because...well, because I was so confused at how I was feeling. You were my friend. I didn’t realize till it was too late that I was already falling in love with you. And I most definitely didn’t want to give Sam anymore ammunition.”

You looked up at him sharply when he dropped the L word.

Bucky stood to reposition himself on the edge of your bed. Taking your face in his hands he leans forward until your foreheads barely touch. “I didn’t want to ruin things with you. You were my friend. You were perfect and I thought you deserved better so I ran to find something that was everything you weren’t. You are my perfect fit. You are just right. You are the only person I want. Please tell me you’re mine. Please tell me I haven’t lost you.”

You brought your hand up to rest over his as you let his words wash over you.

He wanted you. He thought you were beautiful. All of you. All of the parts people had told you were too much: your height, your attitude, your independence - he wanted it all.

You did something that you wanted to do for months, you brought your lips up to his softly and gave him a chaste kiss. “I was always yours Bucky,” You pulled his hands down and pushed him away to look into his eyes, “but I won’t be taken for granted anymore. I shouldn’t have to leave for you to want me. I shouldn’t have to be gone for you to realize what you had. I left for a reason. It was to find peace with myself. I realized that I didn’t need your approval. I didn’t need your desire to be whole. I won’t settle for someone who can’t see what’s right in front of them. I know my worth.”

Bucky looked at you sorrowfully as he held onto your fingers, memorizing their shape. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel like you weren’t enough.”

“I know, but it happened. I don’t need you to be happy, Bucky...” Bucky hung his head in dejection. “...But I do want you.”

Bucky looked up at you sharply to find your eyes full of love and warmth. You wanted him. Even after all that happened - how he forced you away, how he made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you were still willing to forgive him. You wanted him even with all his faults.

You brought him closer for another kiss and savored the way his lips fell across yours. Breaking away to look up at him you said what you had been holding in for months, “And I love you too.”

Tags: @princessmisery666 @dreamwritesimagines