#if your goal was peace well you fucked that up pretty good buddy

[dmclemblems]

“Claude in Hopes is exactly the same way he is in Houses! He’s always been like that and has the same feelings/morals!”

Claude in GW/Hopes:

Claude, literally, in Houses:

Let that speak for the fact that Claude was written with a 180 characterization in Hopes.

Claude wants peace and to bring everyone together; not to tear them further apart. That is his character.

[thespoonisvictory]

So you’re probably the c!wilbur sympathizer I look up to and agree with the most, so I want your opinion on something. What are your thoughts on c!Wilbur and c!techno’s relationship during the pogtopia days?

first of all, that’s wild lol I’m glad you like my words!

warning: a lot of this could be interpreted as more fanon than strictly canon, because cc!techno does not like fleshing out his relationships or even really making them make sense (beyond phil).

so, wilbur and techno definitely knew each other before pogtopia, right?

after all- techno is the one to offer his help, and wilbur seems to indicate he already knows what techno’s deal is. they interact like good friends in ‘techno and wilbur make cave better’, and based off wilbur’s shock when techno killed tubbo, it’s pretty safe to assume he trusted techno to some degree. I think they were definitely allies and friends to an extent, with the massive caveat that wilbur is about two steps to the left of a breakdown from the moment the election ends and they meet techno.

where it gets complicated, however, is after the festival.

here, wilbur’s outward mental state goes from ‘gee buddy that’s a little extreme’ to ‘holy fuck this guy definitely shouldn’t be making any decisions for anyone oh god’. tommy recognizes this, niki and tubbo do as well. 

now, it could be stated that techno wasn’t aware at the time (after the festival that doesn’t make sense really although I’ve seen people say it), or thought that wilbur had just changed more towards anarchy, but given that he says to phil that wilbur was ‘kind of evil’ and generally thought of him poorly, it’s clear he knew Something was up.

which makes sense! he saw wilbur go from generally trusting and kind to very, well, not, and saw him go from ‘stay peaceful. stay quiet! stay safe!’ to ‘let’s just blow everything up.’

I want to emphasize that purely from an logical perspective, I don’t think techno could have not noticed anything. there’s having a lack of social awareness or picking up on subtle cues, and then there’s whatever the fuck c!wilbur was going through. 

and yet- he doesn’t say or do anything? 

techno was the only other seemingly stable figure of authority in pogtopia. he was wilbur’s friend, and ally. and yet, he enthusiastically joins wilbur in their plan to blow things up.

it feels to me very much like techno was either purposefully ignoring wilbur’s decline because he wanted to believe that someone was on his side rather than actually communicating (because no one on the goddamn server does), or he was aware and taking advantage of the fact that wilbur was compromising his ideals/literally having a breakdown because it benefited his goals.

*obligatory reminder that techno is not responsible for wilbur’s mental health decline, nor did I expect techno to be the cure for it. it’s more like ‘wow, techno is being kind of enabling toward’s wilbur’s spiral for his own benefit. yikes.’*

wilbur seems suspicious of techno, but after the festival, techno is a constant to him. he’ll kill them if he needs to, he’s not someone he can confide in, but he can understand techno, rely on him to act as expected. he needs techno to fight tommy, to confirm this simplistic view he receives from techno’s complicated actions at the festival, to be just another piece in his narrative so he can compartmentalize the shit he’s going through.

I think wilbur’s initial anger at techno for killing tubbo was squished down deep inside to maintain that constant, much like his anger at dream for tommy’s treatment is now.

but- techno won’t question him, won’t care if he’s a villain, won’t be scared by him, and wilbur is thankful for that, even if he maybe shouldn’t be. they never communicate what they truly want to anyone, really, and they’re only united in their desire to destroy l’manburg, albeit with incredibly different motives.

you could argue that neither of them are healthy for each other, I would argue that this leans more heavily in techno’s direction at times. either way, it’s not great (much like most of wilbur’s relationships in pogtopia).

tl;dr: techno and wilbur were allies, maybe friends, but they weren’t any good for each other, due to techno being a shit communicator and very self focused and wilbur being a mental wreck and also very self focused.

[generallybarzy]

hey there, stranger. x

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine

an: this was supposed to be out on new years, but oh well! Let's keep the holiday magic going as long as we can!!! It has officially (actually at 11pm later today on the 22nd) been a year since i created this blog, and since Maty played so goddman well tonight, it’s only fitting to finish this. Its been three, beautiful, perfect months since you first met your loving boyfriend, and its the end of the year. time for the ball to drop, and for you to drop a metaphorical ball on mat to ring in the new year. A new year hopefully filled with so much more emotion and growth- both romantic and personal.

taglist: @selenophileangel @deleausvp @dunnwithlyfe @smit41 @softboybarzal @fallinallincurls @matbaerzal @brokeninsidebutnobodyknows @hockeyhughes11 @folkloreflyers @nazdaddy @shawnsreputation @comphybiscuit @aboveaveragehockeyboys @canadianheaters @ifiwasshawnmendesidslapmyself @baby-cat-nol-pat @heybarzy (i’m assuming you wanna be tagged, if not, lemme know), @d-cozens

word count: 3.7k (longer than usual!!)

playlist (specifially the song I Feel Good About This by The Mowgli’s)

The days between Christmas and New Years were always the slowest for you.  Having to spend the in-between of your holidays alone was tiring and the cold winter weather just wore you down more.

This year, though, you couldn’t be happier. 

After meeting Mat’s family on Christmas day, you were on cloud nine. You were becoming more and more confident in this relationship and where it was headed, and for the first time ever, you couldn’t wait to see how it played out. And though Mat’s hands had not traveled further than they had on Christmas, you could practically feel the sexual tension in the air. He just had to hold on for a bit longer. With your three-month anniversary approaching, you still felt it was much too soon to take that step, despite the emotions that were becoming more and more overwhelming every day.

The six days between Christmas and New Years were spent in Mat’s apartment, as your campus was closed for Christmas break and you didn’t want to stay all alone in that tiny dorm when you had such a loving boyfriend who was needy and had stayed in New York for you instead of flying to Vancouver to see his family. The quickest thing you learned during your stay was that the best treatment for the gloomy winter blues was a simple dosage of time with Mat. Though Mat still had three games to play between Christmas and New Years, every second that you weren’t there watching him or watching from the couch, you were together, cuddling on the couch in the central heating of his expensive apartment, baking cookies, and cherishing each little moment. 

Though you had hoped to be able to cuddle him all afternoon before going out into chilly Times Square to watch the ball drop, he had a game in D.C. on New Year’s Eve, and so you’d be spending most of the day alone before he got back. 

Mat woke up this morning, a few hours before having to leave for practice, his arms around your body. He wanted to wake you up so that you could spend time together before he left, but he didn’t have the heart yet to wake you. You looked so peaceful, lying against his chest like this, in all of your glory. Makeup-free, messy hair, but still just as beautiful as ever. Mat’s hand found its way to your cheek, warm to the touch, and his thumb dragged gently over the smooth skin, careful not to wake you.

The night before had ended in celebration, cheers and drinks and laughter, as the two of you had just found out that Mat made the 2020 All Star game in St. Louis, and Mat still grinned thinking back to your reaction. 

“Oh my God, Maty!” 

“Yeah, yeah!” he laughed along as you held onto him and jumped in excitement. “I know!”

“Congrats, baby!! I knew you would do it!” You were easily more excited than him, and he felt his heart swell with pride. Not pride that he had gotten into the All Star Game, he was excited about that, sure, but not as much as he was proud to have made you happy. Proud to have you proud of him. That, that was what warmed his heart. 

“Thanks, babe.” His arm wrapped around your waist and held you close, bringing your celebratory jumping to a halt. 

You looked up at him with confused, pretty eyes. “Aren’t you excited? I feel like you’re not celebrating as much as you should be.”

“Of course I’m excited! This is amazing.”

“You’re gonna be playing with all the stars!! All the players you used to watch and look up to!! You are one of the stars!! I can’t believe it, Maty. My boyfriend is a star!!”

“Hey, hey.” He laughed a bit, trying to keep his modesty. It felt amazing, being considered a star, sure, and he still couldn’t believe it. He was so excited to be in the All Star Game, of course, but he didn’t want you to think that was all he cared about. He didn’t want you to think of him as a star hockey player. No, he was your boyfriend. So, he played it casual. “This isn’t my first one, you know, you don’t have to congratulate me like this.”

“Mat.”

“It’s cool, but I mean, it’s not like it’s my first, it’s not as special as last-” 

“Shut up, shut up baby. My beautiful, amazing, talented boy. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or your hundredth game, alright? I’m still gonna be proud of you. Because you’re talented, and beautiful, and so, so good and passionate about hockey.” Your small hands caressed his cheeks, and as much as he tried to play it cool, he felt the blood rise to his face and a smile breaking through his lips. And you noticed too. “Actually, Maty, you love hockey so much there’s no way you wouldn’t be ecstatic about this. I think you are excited, but you're trying to seem cool. Is that what you’re doing?”

His shoulders rose and fell as he started grinning more. You were proud of him, you supported his career and his dreams and his love of hockey, and he couldn’t ask for more. 

“You know me well.” 

“Yeah, I do.” 

Finally, he laughed breathlessly. “I’m super excited.” 

“I know you are, my talented boy.” 

“Hey there…” 

Your voice pulled Mat from his trance, and he refocused his gaze on your face after spacing out. He smiled, the way he always did when he saw you in his bed, and pulled the blankets tighter. “Hey there, baby.” 

“Looked a little lost in thought, there, buddy.”

“Yeah?” He laughed at your teasing and looked up to the ceiling. “I’m just happy.” 

“Yeah?” You leaned up to kiss his chin. “I’m excited for you.” 

“Not just that.” 

“Oh?” 

“I’m just so happy with you.” 

You reached out to cup Mat’s face in your hands, stretching up and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. “I’m happy too.” 

“Good.” He held you to him and rolled to his side on the bed, a big leg coming to hook over yours and pull you closer to his body. From this position, you could kiss him much easier, so, playing with the collar of the t-shirt he’d slept in for modesty, you pulled him in. 

“How much longer until you have to leave?” 

Mat groaned, as if your question had pulled him out of his dreamy, blissful state. “Three hours.” You hummed in response, completely content with spending that time right here, in your little haven with Mat. “Sorry. I really wanted to be with you on New Year’s”

“You can’t help that you have a game. I’ll be watching, like always.” 

“But I wish I could be here with you.” 

“But you’ll be home before midnight, won’t you?”

“I promise.”  

“Good.”  

The morning dragged on slow and leisurely, with no reason or will to get up. Slowly, gently, you managed to migrate from bed to the kitchen, to the couch, where you cuddled back down with bowls of healthy cereal, both too lazy to make breakfast, some slow morning show on TV. There weren’t many words exchanged, but there didn’t need to be. You understood each other, and the silence was telling, his hand around your waist spoke loud enough, the way his eyes held your so softly and gently proclaimed his feelings loud and clear, his lips on yours screamed out his love for you without restraint. There was nothing he could do different than he was now to show you more how much he loved you- it was obvious, it was as clear as day, and the further and further along this relationship went, the more confident you were becoming that you loved him back. But you still couldn’t tell him, you couldn’t bring yourself to break down that final wall and give you all to him. You were still running on half of your heart, and you knew he was trying his best to build it back up for you. 

When the time finally came that he had to leave, it took all his strength to pull away from you. 

“I don’t wanna go. Can I just say I’m sick?” 

“No, baby.” You pushed him towards the door, handing him his backpack. “As much as I’m gonna miss you, your team needs you. Go score some goals for me, alright?” 

“Hnn.” He groaned in response but leaned down to press his lips to yours in goodbye.

You patted down the front of his suit, admiring the way he cleaned up so pretty, though wishing he could stay with you in sweats all day. “You look good, Maty.” 

“So do you.” His hands smoothed down your arms, down the sleeves of his jersey you had already put on for good luck. “I promise I’ll be home in time to head out, okay?” 

“You better. Now go play some hockey, bubs.” 

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” 

His bottom lip jutted out in a look that should not be that cute on a grown man. But, oh fuck, it was. “One more kiss? Please?” 

“Okay. One more.” A smile tugged at your lips as he pulled you in to lock lips one more time over the threshold of the door, toothy and sweet and giggly. And Mat was hoping, in his head, that every game day would be like this from now on. Kissing his beautiful girlfriend before stepping out the door. Never again would he have to return alone after a long night, or find solace in some other woman after a loss. He had you. He loved you. 

He smiled as he pulled away, sighing a soft breath through his laughter. “Okay, bye now.”

“Bye, baby.”

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

They won.

The perfect, beautiful, Hollywood ending to a perfect year. The best way to ring in the new year, and you couldn’t be prouder of the boys. 

Immediately after you saw the team leave the ice on the TV screen, your phone started vibrating with a call. Mat’s name lit up on your screen and you couldn’t help but smile to yourself at the butterflies that erupted in your chest just at the thought of him, giddy and excited after a game, and the first thing he thinks of is you. It made you feel so special, so cared for, so remembered. So loved. 

You answered the call, your heart throbbing. There, on the screen, Mat was sitting, still in his uniform, helmet perched high atop his head, his locker in the background of the frame. All around him, you could hear the boys celebrating in the locker room. His friends were all celebrating, and he was here, calling you. He didn’t have to. But he did. He chose you. “Hi, Maty!” 

“Babe! Did you see me?”

“I always do!” 

You saw him get jostled around a bit by teammates on the other end, and the giddy grin that lit up his face was just too much. “Hey, hey, I uhh, I gotta ask something.”

“What’s up?”

“I, uhh, I know we planned to go out to Times Square tonight, and we still will, don’t worry! But, uhh, I got a buddy here who got his plans shot down last minute and he's gonna be alone tonight. Think this could be less of a date and more of the three of us? It’s alright if you don’t want him to come, he’ll be oka-”

“It’s fine.” You weren’t sure how the words came so easily to you, but something made you feel as if you were ready. Ready to get dangerously tangled with Mat’s personal life, with his friends and his life outside of you. You were ready.

“You sure?”

“As long as you promise to kiss me at midnight and not him.” 

He laughed on the other end, and you heard the echo of someone else’s laugh next to him and a shout of “Thank you!”. Mat glanced over to his friend for only a second before looking back to you. “Thanks. Hope he doesn't scare you off.” 

“He can’t be worse than you.” 

“Oh, yeah?” Mat cackled again, his cheeks pink and aching from the overwhelming happiness he was feeling. 

“I miss you, bubs.”

You heard his teammates cheer in laughter and roar “ooh!” as if they were high school boys cheering on their buddy in the background, seemingly the entire locker room started eavesdropping on their star player and his girlfriend. Mid-laughter, red-cheeked and flustered, he never took his eyes off the camera. “Miss you too, baby. I’ll be home in a few hours.” 

“See you then.”

I love you!

“Bye.”

I love you!

Things felt unfinished as you hung up the phone. ‘Bye’? It didn’t feel like enough, it felt wrong, and your throat was itching to say something else. Stupid, stupid, it’s way too early. 

Way too early, maybe but fuck it felt good. It felt so good.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

You couldn’t contain your excitement when you heard the key turn in the door to Mat’s apartment a few hours later. You jumped up from the couch to run over to the door, smiling immediately when you saw Mat’s face. 

"Hey, (Y/N)!" 

"Hi, Mat!” 

“Missed you, baby.” You wrapped your arms around his waist as he pulled you close and squeezed tight, forgetting for a moment that you had company. He was just burying his face in your hair when another man, who you only knew because of all the games you watched and had seen him next to Mat on the bench every now and then. You stepped back from the hug, but kept your fingers laced through Mat’s. “Oh! And hi Mat’s friend."

“Hi, (Y/N)!” His friend spoke up from the doorway. “I’m Anthony!”

“That’s Tito.” Mat said at the same time, jerking his head back to motion towards his friend without looking away from you. You laughed at their antics before Tito continued.

“Nice to meet you, finally. Mat hasn’t shut up about you for at least 2 months.” 

“Dude!!” Mat exclaimed and turned to whack him, causing his friend to laugh. 

“Oh, wow.” Something warmed your heart at the thought of Mat talking about you to his friends. There was something so amazing about the feeling that blossomed up in your chest knowing that you still existed in his mind even when you weren’t there with him. “Nice to meet you too.” 

“Sorry, we’re late. We stopped by my place so I could change. Didn’t want to go out in a suit. Wouldn’t have been really warm.” 

“That’s fine!” You were liking Mat’s friends so far. He seemed sweet. “Speaking of warm clothes,” You nudged Mat a bit, “You should go change so we can head out to the square, it’s getting close to time.” 

“Yeah, I will.” 

“Thanks for letting me crash your date tonight.” Anthony spoke up, interrupting your slight PDA. “I know you had plenty of big plans for ringing in the new year, if you know what I mean.” He laughed and had a suggestive tone as he glanced at Mat, who hit him again, looking frantic.

“Dude!! Shut it!!!”

“Hey, it’s true.”

You laughed a little, but couldn’t help but flush as you locked eyes with Mat again, imagining the things Anthony was suggesting. Plans? Big plans? You didn't have plans like that tonight, unless Mat had planned to try and sleep with you tonight. Was he planning something like that? Would he, knowing how uncomfortable you are with that? Despite you worry, the thought made you heat up all over, and you didn’t want to be so flustered in front of his friend. You squeezed his hand- heavy in your own- one more time, and he squeezed back hopeful, a plea for you to ignore what you’d heard, before you dropped it. “So, Maty. you should probably get ready to head out. Go put something more warm on. Then we can leave.” 

“Right, right.” 

Mat glanced over at his friend, locking eyes and engaging in a silent conversation you knew best friends always have. When Mat finally walked off to the bedroom, Anthony made himself at home on the couch, waiting, a new, tense silence in the air, and typing some texts out on his phone while you gathered up your jacket for heading out. It took Mat a bit longer than usual to get ready, and when he emerged, he had a beanie in his hand, and a black plaid coat paired with the Office hoodie you loved so much, and a grin on his face,, warm and bright like the one you knew. He bumped fists with Tito as he stood from the couch, and came over to you, lacing your fingers together, gazing at you softly.

“Are you ready to head out?”

You tried to compose yourself from how good he looked. "Absolutely.” 

“Not if you two are gonna be all gross all night.” Tito groaned.

“Ha ha.” Mat stuck his tongue out at his friend playfully. “You wish you had a girl like I do.” 

“Aw, Maty.”

“Ew, you two.”

The subway trip and final short walk from the station to to Times Square was how you’d expect it to be, with two dorky best friends, Tito willingly and happily third-wheeling and chirping the two of you every time you ever so much as glanced at each other, let alone snuck a little kiss on the crowded subways. And when you finally made it, standing alone together in the huge crowd of people and counting down each final minute, you knew, there, standing in the chilly New York City air with Mat and his best friend, there was nowhere else you'd rather be, ever. 

You felt Mat’s hand tighten around your, grabbing your attention the way he always did. “Hey, sorry about earlier.”

“Earlier?”

“Yeah, uhh, when Beau said we have big plans.”

“Ohh…” Your cheeks flushed again at the thought of what that suggested. 

“Yeah.” He shifted on his feet a little,his gaze falling to his shoes.

"Were, uhh, were you planning on trying to sleep with me tonight?"

“No, no, not necessarily. I didn’t mean anything like that. I mean, I wasn’t gonna try to do anything.” He ran a fumbling hand through his hair. "Not if you don't want to. I was just talking to him, about you, us, I guess, and just he thought it'd be funny to mess with me like that tonight. Guess it's playback, I've embarrassed him before."

"You're rambling baby."

"Sorry."

"Mat, it's okay." 

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. I mean we're together, I can handle jokes like that. We'll get to that eventually, anyway."

He laughed a bit, cheeks pink. We’ll get to that. He tried to ignore the thoughts that phrase had conjured up in him. "Yeah."  

"And we can have a serious conversation about these things later, before we do anything, okay? Preferably when we're alone and your friend isn't standing like three feet away."

"Yeah, yeah, we will. I promise." His lips found your forehead, before you fell back into comfortable silence, leaning against his chest as Tito took some snaps in the background. Your gaze rose to Mat’s face as he looked up towards the clock, counting down the final minutes of the year. His cheeks were pink and wind-kissed, his jawline sharp and his hair sticking out of his beanie in little dark curls you loved so much. His lips looked so soft, his gaze so warm and welcoming as his eyes met yours again. His lips quirked up in amusement at seeing you watching him, but before he could say anything cheeky, you spoke up, not being able to contain your feelings any longer.

“Mat. I gotta tell you something." 

“Quickly, it’s almost time, babe.” He smiled, bending down closer to you a bit, listening close for your soft words as you leaned up towards his warmth against the chilly New York winter, bringing an arm up around his shoulders. You made sure to be close enough to him to hide your words from Tito or any random eavesdroppers. This was for Mat. Just Mat. 

Only Mat, ever.

“I know it’s still so soon. We’ve barely been dating at all yet, right?” Mat nodded, a small smile at the adventure your relationship had been so far. “It’s only been three months, but they were three amazing months. Thanks to you. You’ve helped me open up, did you know that? In three months. I’ve never been happier. Or felt more comfortable. Or safe. I don’t know what it is about you… you're a special guy.” He laughed, breathless at your words, the look in his eyes soft and begging you to continue. “I’ve been thinking about this since you accidentally let… uh, those words slip, remember? It’s so soon, and we don’t really know where this is going. I don’t know where we’re gonna end up yet, a few months down the road. But you know what I do know?”

His answer was barely a minty breath against your lips, coming out with a puff of air in the below freezing air. “What?” 

“I feel good about this. I feel good about us. And I think this year is gonna be good to us.”  

His cheeks were pink and a cold breeze pushed his hair around. His grin fell into something softer, something more gentle. "(Y/N)...."

"Can I tell you a secret?" He nodded and leaned in closer, fluidly and slow as if in a trance, turning his ear towards you. You could hear the final countdown in the background, the crowd chanting five! four! three! "Mat," Your hand cupped his cheek, your lips found the shell of his ear, grazing across the skin as you sighed. "Mathew, I'm falling in love with you." 

“Hey, lovebirds! It’s midnight!” You could hear Beau yelling at you in the background, but all you were focused on, as you pulled back from your whisper, was your boyfriend.

Mat’s eyes were wide and gleaming wetly, full of visible emotion and unrestrained joy. His lips split into a shaky, breathless string of laughter, his hands trembling, gripping yours with everything in him. His tongue darted out quickly to wet his pink lips, and with one final shaky breath, he sighed:

“Kiss me.” 

And you did.

And with that kiss, you knew Mat felt the same. You could feel his passion, his genuine, hopeful, overwhelming feelings, seeping from his lips to yours, from his fingertips to yours, with every little breath he took against your lips, holding you against his body. Neither of you wanted to pull away, but when you couldn't go on any longer, your foreheads pressed against each other and your eyes gazed into each other's deeply. Mat opened his mouth to say something, cheeks red and lips swollen from the kiss, but before any words came out, Tito was clapping a hand on his back and teasing the two of you about the kiss. His words fell on deaf ears though, as you were still focusing on Mat, the way his lips curled into a smile as he finally let words fall out.

"Happy new year, (Y/N)."

[jocazep]

In the Whole Wide Train | Chapter 1

Pairing: Curtis Everett x Reader (Jo, OFC), slight Edgar x Reader 

Warnings: Major spoilers for SNOWPIERCER, dystopian society and its countless problems, mentions of forced abortions, language, violence, deaths, slow burn, eventual smut

Synopsis: Having grown up in the Front Sections of the Snowpiercer, you venture down the train when a rare opportunity presents itself, but the excursion quickly changes flavor when you arrive in the Tail Section.

Author’s notes: In a pure coincidence, I am starting my Snowpiercer Fanfic on the same day as Bong Joon Ho’s Oscar win. Congratulations to BJH! 

The story takes place before and during Curtis’ revolt, and will mostly follow the progression of the film with slight deviations.

I’m very new at this, but my goal is to post two chapters a week. Please send me your thoughts, comments, and reactions! 

Chapter One - Doing Right

**Word Count: **1,939

You sniffed your new clothes--a little lived in, but isn’t that the point? The shirt must have been white once upon a time, but the collar poking out from beneath a itchy sweater vest was stained a distinct yellow. The thick cargo pants were a little too short, revealing fraying socks. And hanging limply on the wall next to you was a coat, heavy, long and grey, but with numerous suspicious slits on the back. You glanced at your watch before taking it off. Just about on schedule, if not a little early.

Your thoughts drifted towards the front of the train, where you came and go among the School, Dining, Beauty Salon, and when you finally turned 21, the Club sections. So many years wasted in luxury, when the past week had taught her more about the Snowpiercer than the past 16 years combined.

“Are you OK in there?“ Someone knocked on the door to the cramped bathroom you currently occupied. You shook off your reverie and opened the door.

You handed a pile of cleaner clothes to a man wearing oily factory overalls. He took them and stuffed them into a shelf near his bunk.

“Thank you again.”

“Oh don’t thank me. I’m never going to use these anyway.” The man said as he walked you out of the living quarters into the churning and chopping noises of the Protein Block section. The stench hit you like a one-two punch, but the man seemed used to it. He pointed to the monster of a cooking cauldron in the center of the section.

“That’s where all the magic happens. And I always keep it running on time.“

You beelined for the assembly line churning out protein blocks. The thick, gelatinous, dark brown blocks were still steaming hot as they moved lazily down towards the stainless steel cart. Looks uninviting.

The man climbed up a flight of steps along the cauldron, calling down to you, ”Do you want to take a gander?”

Just then, the tail gates buzzed open, and a handful of guards flooded in.

“Chow time--“ the leader noticed you, “You the surveyor?“

“Jo, pleased to meet you,” You extended your hand.

“I see you already changed. Drew the short straw, huh?” The leader’s shake was half-hearted.

“Actually it’s been pretty illuminating.”

The leader snorted, “Hah, well your outlook’s pretty fucking bleak from here on out.”

Curtis couldn’t remember the last time someone was exiled all the way back to the Tail section. Maybe in the early days of the train, but back then he was too busy doing other things to notice.

Today, as the loud buzz sounded and everyone lined up for their usual head-check, the guards dragged a woman in with them and threw her onto the ground. The people in the first row scrambled to get away from her, naturally a little wary.

And then entered Mason. She gave her usual harangue about Willford’s benevolence and the importance of order, before moving onto the important part, ”This woman here could not fulfill what is required to her for the good of the whole train, so she has lost the privilege of being useful to Mr. Willford.”

A few rows back, Edgar muttered indignantly, “Of course, toss ‘em back to the Tail once you’ve worked them to near death...”

”So, look to her as an example.” The guards pulled her up--

“She looks younger than you, Curtis! Do you think she can help us get to the front?“

“Shut up, Edgar.” Curtis cut Edgar off, but he was intrigued. He wondered where she worked, if she’s been conscious enough on her way down the train to be useful, and most importantly, what she did to get herself exiled...

It wasn’t until everyone has taken their protein block that Tanya, bless her heart, ventured out to speak to the newcomer while Curtis observed from close by. She still looked a little shellshocked, not that he would blame her. The Tail section took some getting used to.

After a while, the young woman finally spoke and said her name was Jo. Tanya beckoned Curtis over and introduced him.

Jo looked up at him for a long beat. Curtis was suddenly very aware of the grime on his face, his unkept beard, and his hair running wild beneath that beanie.

“Hello,” Jo finally said. Her voice sounded almost calm if Curtis didn’t know better.

“Jo, right? Where did you work before?”

Jo faltered.Curtis noticed how clean Jo’s face was compared with everyone else around her. There was a small cut just beneath her cheekbone that looked suspiciously like someone slapped her while wearing rings. _She must have only been in grade school when she boarded..._His eyes lost focus as he pondered this newcomer.

“It’s OK sweetheart, you can tell us.” Tanya encouraged.

“I worked a while in the Medical section after finishing school.”

“Those wankers have a Medical section?” Edgar had appeared out of nowhere. But he bit his tongue after Curtis shot him a look.

“Why did they throw you out?”

“I refused to perform a forced abortion.”

Holy fuck. Curtis thought as a gasp escaped Tanya.

“A married couple found themselves pregnant with their third child, but they wanted to keep it. When Mason found out, she dragged the mother-to-be to me, but I wouldn’t do it. So...here I am.”

A beat of silence went by as everyone searched for something to say. Until finally--

“Did they keep the baby then?” Edgar asked, his eyes round.

Jo shook her head. Didn’t say another word, as if the mere memory haunted her.

Curtis felt anger rising within him. Was he angry at Mason for the abortion? Was he angry that Jo had to be punished for doing the right thing? Or was he maybe angry that the front sections have the luxury to raise multiple children? He didn’t know for sure.

Curtis would have stuck around to hear more, but somewhere towards the end of the section, someone found something in their protein block, and Curtis took Edgar to find out what.

Before the week was out, Tanya had introduced you to almost everyone in the Tail section, her boy Timmy, Timmy’s best friend, the Painter who drew everything, an old couple who both played the violin--it was impossible to remember all the names. There was much more diversity and interesting lives than you imagined, and you made a point to learn as much about everyone’s story as you could.

“Nighttime” was one of the few occasions when the Tail Section was quiet. You couldn’t really tell if it really is nighttime, because there were no windows for you to look outside. But there were these four to five magical hours of the day, when everyone  stopped their bickering, bargaining and general wantonness and returned to their bunk to sleep. And everything just felt...peaceful. You would scribble down your notes and observations in your small notebook, and tuck it back into your waist, between your yellowed shirt and your bare skin.

This night, after you finished taking down notes for the day, you sat on your cramped bunk, just above Tanya and Timmy, and took up your own protein block. Pinching your nose, you took a cautious bite. You should be used to it by now, but the slightly salty taste and the jell-o texture still made you gag.  You shivered as you forced it down. How can anyone keep eating this?

You broke the block apart with your hands, checking for something. Only a handful of people knew about the empty bullet casing inside the protein block. You would not have known about it either, if you hadn’t caught Curtis, Edgar and Tanya trying to coax the second block containing a bullet casing from Tanya’s son Timmy the day before.

You were sitting in the exact same place. Somewhere down the aisle, Edgar was munching on his block and obsessing with the taste of steak which he half forgot, when Tanya called out to Curtis.

“Curtis, here!” She signaled to Timmy, who’s licking his block on the edge of his bunk.

“Timbo...” Curtis’s low voice hummed from his chest as he strut up to Timmy and crouched down,”How’s it hanging buddy? Gimme a pound, blow it up.“

Timmy was surprisingly a hard bargain, and Edgar made to grab the block from the child. But Curtis was more patient.

“Hey, hey, hey, relax, relax,” he cooed.

He would have made a good politician up front, You thought,Persuasive, charming, photogenic...

A fit of clamoring broke your train of thought--Timmy has climbed all the way up to the catwalk between the top level of the bunks.

You crept out from your bunk and ventured closer to watch Curtis traded for Timmy’s block with an hour’s time with the ball.

“What do you want in this whole wide train?“ Curtis asked. You couldn’t help but smile at this sweet exchange.

Taking the block from Timmy, Curtis turned around, and before you realized, your eyes caught each other. A chill ran down your spine as the sea-blue eyes bore into you. Not wanting to maintain eye contact, you quickly cast your eyes down and hurried past him.

As you hid yourself from view, you hear Tanya ask, “Curtis, is it time?”

“Not yet, Tanya. Soon.“

Beneath you, Tanya has started to snore lightly. You peered down to check on the mother and son. Timmy was fast asleep in the arms of his mother. You spent a few minutes watching their chests rise and fall, wondering if you shouldn’t have lied to Tanya. Can they ever truly trust me?

Then, pushing the guilt from your mind, you dangled your legs out from your bed, and pushed yourself off the bunk. Plop--your feet hit the deck in a muffled sound. Making sure you hadn’t woken anyone, you tip-toed towards the end of the Tail section, where a curtain made of tattered fabric hung. You still hadn’t seen anyone come in and out of there in your whole time here, except for Curtis and Edgar. The curiosity had been eating you alive.

When you finally heard the low murmurs of conversation drifting out from behind the curtains, it was already too late. You looked down at the ground, your shadow had already cascaded through the tattered curtains. _Shit, someone’s there. _The murmurs stopped. Shit, shit, shit.

“Who’s there?” The curtains parted and out came Curtis. You had to step back to take in the towering man, seeming even bigger in the shadow.

“Jo what’s the matter? Is everything OK?” His voice was hushed, soft, and--concerned?

“I just couldn’t sleep...”

“Look, it wasn’t your fault. You did the right thing.” Curtis gave your shoulder a quick squeeze.

All of a sudden, there’s that creeping guilt again, nagging at you for lying to him about why you were here. Not all of it was a lie. You did work two years at the Medical section after you finished your college courses at age 20. This much was true. But you never had been forced to perform abortion on anyone. That was, of course, the prepared narrative so that you would be accepted into the Tail Section.

You forced yourself to look him in the eyes. His eyes shimmered beneath the sweat and grime.

”I just wish there was something I could do to change...” you signaled around yourself, “all this for the better.”

You’re doing the right thing, right?

[aflawedfashion]

unpopular opinion: the defiance finale was perfect

strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree

Thanks, you really wanted to set me off, huh? Ok, I’ll take the bait.

I love Defiance. I do. I would not make this post if I did not love Defiance enough to be this disappointed in it, so here we go...

Ok, so, Defiance was a show about people coming together. Obviously it’s not going to be pretty if you take people from several different planets (the aliens weren’t even all from the same planet), have them fight a a brutal war against each other that nearly destroyed the only planet they have left, and then tell them that it’s now time to play nice and be friends. It’s going to be messy. And that’s ok. There is no story without conflict, and this puts us at the perfect starting point for a whole lot of character development. Love it.

The endgame of the show should have been people finally coming together, but was it that? No, it was about the small group of characters who actually survived this brutal show finding an entire race of aliens that had to be shot off into space because they can’t kill them all, but they’re too dangerous to actually live with. Aliens played by black actors (although they are painted purple and I think the writers actually had good intentions when they created the Omec, you can’t not notice how terrible this turned out.... unless, I guess, you’re the people who wrote this). They were purple people eating aliens. 

Other than T’evgin and Kindzi, the Omec never even had a voice, but the entire finale hinges on them. We see in their faces that they probably wouldn’t want to kill everyone if they knew more about the people of Earth, but we never get to see resolution to that. We never see them revolt against Kindzi. They never get to speak for themselves or fight for themselves or learn about the people of Earth. They just start eating everyone because the show wanted the main characters seem justified in shooting them. They’re treated like props.

The show wants Doc and Amanda to be seen as heroes for shooting the evil aliens (it frames them heroically when they do it), while also having Irisa be the hero for saying they should try to save them without ever giving the Omec a proper voice. You can’t do this all in two episodes and call it good. Nolan and Amanda had even stood up for the Omec until the very last moment, until Kindzi raped Nolan, killed her father, caged the people of earth, turned doc yewll into a slave, and ordered her followers to eat their enemies. Nolan and Amanda truly just wanted to do what was right and got hammered into the ground until they didn’t know what else to do. I get where they’re coming from. I get where Irisa’s coming from, but why are we here?

By giving the Omec a voice, there’s an arc to be found in these two episodes, and I can see what the writers were probably going for. I could even pretend I loved this episode and write a meta about the interesting parts of this kind of conflict, but it’s not actually developed in these episodes. They’d need an entire season arc, and I don’t really want that arc. Look, down to the basics, do I think we needed to end Defiance on purple people eating aliens? No. Cut the people eating and rewrite the finale, and the Omec could have been good in the end instead of a pile of shock value tropes stacked on top of each other (I forgot bring up that they were also incestuous). Their power, their status, their history with the Votans can exist without the people eating.

And what really bugs me about this is that there was a far superior finale arc in front of the writers that they left in 3x11 when Kindzi killed T’evgin. The VC were a great villain that had already been established and fit the core narrative of the show. They were scary, they were powerful, and they were a complex threat. We that even everyone in the VC doesn’t all agree, but they’d all level defiance if they needed to. So many potential conflicts here.

Silora Voske. Great character who liked Amanda, and genuinely wanted to make peace with Defiance, but peace with the VC means playing nice with the VC, something Amanda has never wanted. Silora would have shot Amanda in the back of the head if she betrayed her, no matter how good of friends they became. Now she’s dead and Defiance will be blamed. So much potential.

There is no government above Amanda in Defiance. With the United States long gone and the E-Rep’s power only lasting a season, Defiance is free from any larger government or country, and Amanda wants to keep it that way. Unfortunately for her, the VC wants more power, and Defiance is just this little town all on its own trying to swat away every fascist government that tries to take over.

And that’s where the Omec should have come into these last few episodes. We have all these Omec on a spaceship, why make them cannon fodder when you could bring them together with Defiance to fight against a common enemy - an enemy who wanted to divide humans and Votans. It would have made this a story about people coming together, exactly what the show wanted to be in the beginning.

Now for the characters, the reason I love this show, the reason this finale makes me emotionally mad at it on top of being frustrated by the plot.

Nolan and Irisa. They had been wandering around the country for 15 years with this vague goal that one day they’d get to Antarctica. They didn’t even know if it was paradise or not, and honestly, it didn’t really matter because they weren’t really trying to get there. In 15 years, they traveled from Denver to Defiance/St. Louis. That’s not very far. Truthfully, I doubt they ever really tried to get to Antarctica, but getting there wasn’t the point. Everyone needs something to live for, a dream, thoughts of a better future. Antarctica was just a fantasy that gave them a reason to live in a shitty world. 

But then they get to Defiance, and Nolan instantly finds a purpose and meets people who give him hope that the world he actually lives in might not be entirely horrible. He tells Irisa that Antarctica’s not real, but Defiance is. They can make a difference here. They can be happy. There’s no more reason to chase after a fantasy. He becomes a better, more hopeful person by finding a reason to get up in the morning and finding people he can believe in.

But... then in the finale, he just gets shot into space and Irisa makes a joke that he’s going to be flirting with alien princesses and getting in trouble. What is this negative character development the show is trying to sell me as a good ending for Nolan? Why are we resetting him to back before he found a purpose? Can male writers really never let go of their Han Solo fantasy from when they were 13, and let these characters grow as they deserve, as they already had?

Nolan spent 3 seasons talking about how he’s a one woman guy, even breaking off a friends with benefits relationship when he realizes he’s in love with Amanda. He thinks Amanda’s into someone else at the time, but he still can’t be with someone else when he’s in love with her, even when his fuck buddy doesn’t care because it’s a meaningless sexual relationship. Nolan doesn’t deserve to be reduced to the guy who drives around and has funny sexual escapades (and although I’m sure he’s had a few funny one night stands in his life, he had sex with three women in three seasons, and all relationships lasted more than one episode, note: I will not count rape in this total, so why are they trying to sell me on the idea that funny sexual escapades are a defining characteristic of his?)

Nolan deserved to find actual, real, attainable happiness with Amanda and his daughter, not get tossed into space away from the people he loves on some writer’s dumbass teenage Han Solo fantasy.

And Amanda, the love of both Nolan’s life and mine, she has been emotionally destroyed by the show, and very nearly physically destroyed as well. The writers wanted her to die a martyr, and only backed out of it when they realized there was no one qualified to be mayor in season 4, and they finally realized that killing all your characters for shock value actually has consequences. She deserved better than that.

Before the end of the finale, she thought Nolan would come back because he always did. She had hope for herself and for him. They were going to be be together and be happy. She deserved to be happy. And then in the final lines of the series, Irisa says Amanda thinks Nolan is dead. Where’s her hope? Why did the writers take that from her? Amanda is the person who made everyone want to be better. She gave people hope when they had none. Amanda represented the possibility that all these people could live together, and the writers wanted her to die while she was shooting aliens. They wanted to kill the person who represented the hope that humans and aliens could live together, and yeah, that pretty much sums up the finale.

And they don’t kill her. Instead, they just leave her sad, alone in her office, and without hope. 

Thanks.

I hate it. 

This episode pieces together a bunch of action, drama, and emotional moments to make you feel a lot of things as you watch it, but it’s not good on any deeper level. It betrayed everything I loved about this show, so I hate this finale.

[husbandograveyard]

Matchup for @onepiece-writting-forest​ Age: 20 Sexuality: Heterosexual, prefer men  MBI: INTJ  physical details: I’d say curvy would desribe it well. Try to take care of myself so my form is rather thin with some flesh where it belongs. Small waist, juicy thighs, you get the picture. Ive black curly hair which reaches down to my hips almost. Pierced nostril and ears, kept in gold. Thats about it. general style: If you mean fashion wise, I perfer dark clothes, and mostly black to be honest. Some tight jeans and a comfy hoodie with a leather jacket, I’m good to go. Tho I dig some boots with heals. Biker boots whith heals r sick. Comfy + showing of a bit figure is what I like.  Interests: Since I’m studying in the scientific field I love learning about new discoveries in there. From chemistry to biology, count me in. I like reading however mostly non-fiction, I like getting new knowledge rather than reading a story. I’m damn competetive and any video game where I can compete is a  big ass hobby. I live in a quite mountain and forest filled area. Hicking and just wandering in nature is *chefs kisses*.  Fun Fact: I don’t look like it but I can get quite hot headed. Ive a big ass temper which I learned to control. Bless you stoicism. Favourites: Dark greens and Reds make me feel at home, I dig those colors. Having middle eastern blood in me, food with a lot of spices is just *more chef kisses*. Not necessarily hot, just spicy. Actually can’t handle hot food. Music wise I love heavy music, mostly metal or rock. Somehow blues and country caught me as well.  Fears: Fucking hate the dark. God no I can’t. My brain goes full loco when I’m alone in the dark. Oh yea your door just opened? Thats a fucking demon stalking you. I know its not real but oh boy its hard. Little bit paranoid with that.  Dreams & Goals: Getting into scientific research (medical would be even better)  and being part of new discoveries which help the population. Thats my main goal for now. Besides that, trying to improve myself and getting my full potential.

Hi Zosin! Thank you for being so patient with me and the big description!! Super helpful <3! I match you with: 

OTP: Basil Hawkins 

The very first thing that Hawkins falls for is your intelligence. Even though most of his knowledge leans on the spiritual side, he’s not one to deny science and with his predictions and your general knowledge you’re a powercouple with brains that have yet to be matched by anyone else. 

A general style leaning more towards alternative is completely up his ally, and you have a general aesthetic going on that would keep most people at bay. 

When it comes to dates, Hawkins is up for mostly anything. He doesn’t mind being outside, prefers places with little people. Long trips on sea or walks on inhabited islands are what he prefers to do with you so you can both enjoy peace, quiet and each other’s company. 

Under all the stoicism there is some hidden nerdiness as well as a determined -and also slightly competitive- spirit. If you challenge him to a game of any sorts, he’ll intially reluctantly agree, but once you’re both in the game, expect some hardcore competition, and maybe some pouting of whoever loses. 

Hawkins may not seem like an overly romantic or lovey-dovey type, which is partly true, but there are some ways he shows his affection that are perfect for you. He will challenge you in ways you can improve your skills and get closer to your goals. He’ll leave you your independence but will always be silently supporting in the background. He always leaves some nicely smelling candles burning (checking his cards to see if it’s safe to do so), so you’re never left in the dark. There’s all these small gestures and little affections, like planting a kiss at the top of your head as you’re reading or just spending time sitting very closely next to you as you each do your thing. Your relationship is lowkey, and filled with respect. 

Runner up: Trafalgar Law 

On first sight, match made in heaven. Science and medical stuff? You got that in common, it’s something you can talk about for hours. Your general aesthetics match up pretty well too. A little punk, a bit of an edge yet an undeniable soft side when it comes to character. It could work out well. 

Enjoying the outside, and having that competitive edge works very well with the general crew and can possibly help get Law more out of his shell as well, you bet this gremlin can’t say no to a challenge and even playful matches and challenges turn into dead serious situations where there’s only giggles when it is all over and you can laugh about the ridiculousness of the situation. 

Why he’s not your perfect match: There’s a bunch of little things that don’t add up that may make this relationship less feasible. It’s nearly always dark in a submarine, and you’re going to have to spend time there. Also, law is matching a lot in character, which means quiet moments but there are bursts of emotion where arguments would be inevitable. And well, being a doctor doesn’t necessarily mean being interested in the sciences. It’s more of a convenience thing with Law, it’s what he was taught as a child and it fits his powers. 

BrOTP: Tashigi 

Tashigi is the serious friend supporting you through all your studies and endeavors! Literally the best study-buddy, she will spend hours in the library with you or for you, will make sure you keep to schedules and even make them for you, and she will quiz you if you ask for it. 

At the same time, she’s always there for just some fun, training together and all other ways to release some energy. If you think everything is becoming too much she will literally drag you away from what is stressing you and go somewhere where you can completely relax. 

It’s the kind of friendship where you know what the other means without really having to say anything. The kind of friendship where you don’t necessarily have to ask for something, but the other will bring it anyway. You are both strong ladies focussed on your goals, and although they are different, in essence you both want to help people and are 100% behind each other in getting there! 

[tslasvegas]

Episode 5 - “The clowns are in full force this season” - Jaiden

The clowns are in full force this season. First of all that tribal council was a load of fucking shit lmfao, I could not believe the sob stories Nik and Joey were pulling out to try and stay another day in this fucking org... it is final 17 it's not that serious. I will say that I immediately regretted the decision to vote for Joey but now I'm realizing how beneficial it might've been after all, like.. now people don't see that Joey and I are as closely aligned as we are and it definitely shows Kailyn that not only can I be loyal, but also that I had an accurate read on the events of this tribe. Interestingly enough, Kailyn did NOT believe me when I told her we didn't have the votes to keep Nik without drawing rocks. As soon as the tie came in I acted all mad and said "I'm not drawing rocks for this, I'm flipping". ...and Kailyn still had the nerve to ask "wait did you flip?" after it was all said and done! The funny thing is, Ben also assumed Kailyn flipped and immediately DMed me saying "So I assume Kailyn flipped go figure" or something to that extent. LOVES IT! Maybe no one thinks I'm a flip-flopper after all. Rachael being on this tribe already bugs me because I think she's going to get along with just about everybody and we should've taken a shot at her when we had a chance. It's become evident that I need to start playing the chips game a lot more than I have been because those little buggers are going to become more and more important as time goes along. I think Rachael is fucking full of it when she says there was nothing on Exile for her. She either has an idol and is lying about it, or she's got some sort of advantage to help her out and I'm not here for it. I did eventually come clean to Rachael about the whole DeNara vote thing, where I whipped around and pretended to be voting for Ben afterwards, but I don't think it has a strong impact on our relationship. She gives me such an uneasy vibe and I don't want her around much longer... I kind of hate this tribe I got swapped onto because everybody here feels like legitimate threats to win this game except I guess myself right now. And Xavier. He doesn't really provide much to the game yet, but I bet he will surprise us all along the way. Agenda for this round... make sure we win immunity. But if we don't.. sorry Rachael, you're going to just have to see your buddy Nik a lot sooner than you would've liked. Ciao!

Survived another Tribal!

Super sad to see Nik voted out but also insanely glad to see Joey survived. It would be heartbreaking to see him voted out first after the swap. Livingston and I are sharing all the chips we have and when we spin the wheel we’re transferring chips so if we land on a bankrupt spot we don’t lose the 28 chips we have so far. If we win this next immunity challenge, we may have enough chips to purchase the super idol that’s on sale for 48 chips. (If we both bid two chips on the challenge and then spin the wheel and get some chips.) otherwise, if someone purchases it before we do, we may end up buying some other useful items. Now it’s a selfie scavenger hunt which I hate, but that’s alright. Gonna give it my all and hope to take home the win. 

I just had a moment of clarity. The other tribe are full of OG Palazzo. If they stick together, we're screwed. We should win this next one, see how their vote goes, and change our plans accordingly.

So my lazy ass hasent done any of these yet. So let me catch y’all up. So when my original trive first went to tribal I kinda thought I was fucked cus like I barely talked to ppl. Nik and Rachel were my closest allies (Rachael being my final 2). So quickly they told me denara wanted my ass out. Fucking mistake. So I got my sheep in order and went to work. I pulled some bs outta my ass and was like yo we got a swap coming up and denara is too fucking social she’s gonna flip on your asses. The more I said it the more it made sense to me lol. That fucking tribal was AIDSSS. I’m literally sitting there thinking I was getting booted, but my fucming savior Jaiden came up clutch. We sent that bitch packing. So me and Rachael have had a strat this game to send each other our coins before spinning the wheel to avoid going bankrupt. Since I’m a fucking gambling addict I’m always betting on the comps and spinning that wheel till I’m stacked on coins. So we hit a swap and I actually started talking to people. John is pretty chill and Xavier is kinda weird ngl. When it came time to vote nobody wanted to bring anything up to me. I had to hear from kaitlyn that nik was sadly the vote. So I quickly went to work. I felt the least connected to Joey so I went after his bitch ass. Originally, I didn’t wanna stick with my tribe but like they kinda forced us into that by keeping us in the dark. Everytime I’d ask Xavier his thoughts he’d just say some weird ass response and avoid my question lol. So like I kinda expected a tie vote and tbh I wanted rocks. We get to tribal it was a tie, and I’m fucking trying my best to get Xavier to flip cus he just seems like the dumbest person there. He’s like we can take nik out now then Joey next. LIKE FUCK NO. He wanted to create an all noobies alliance with idek. But I agreed cus fuck it. So sadly nik went home cus jaiden flipped :/ BUT me and Rachael got all his chips!! Now I’m fucking vibing with 10, and Rachael had got 8. Tbh we wanna save up for an idol, but with the shop at 20% and another 4-4 vote looming, I’d be down to snag an extra vote. I gotta peep all these new prices tho. I do hope we win this comp cus I’m obviously betting and I’m too lazy to fucking deal with another tribal. Well anyways peace out see y’all later. 

My plan continues to just be working on relationships and hopefully winning the challenges. Either way, I've participated one of the most on the team so I'm hoping if we do lose, I won't become the target. I know I have a strong relationship with Kevin, which is 1/4 of the tribe. I'm also working on my relationships with Keegan, Pat, and Livingston. I kind of hope the other team targets Rachael, just because I wasn't a huge fan the last time I had to deal with her. I also want John and Xavier to survive because I know I have solid relationships with them. We're at day 14 and I've already put so much work to evolve my game, I want to go from worst to first - I want to do all the things I couldn't do when I was 16. But I have to keep thinking three steps ahead. So if we lose, my target is Mo. Nobody from OG Pink has been voted out yet - but because they have majority on this tribe there really isn't much I can do yet, but Mo hasn't contributed to the challenge. They're also very awkward, so I think I'd be able to swing it. If I keep working on my relationships, working hard in challenges and showing myself as a good ally - I have a chance to make it deep in this game. For now - let's hope we win the challenge so I can relax a little bit more. Day 15 is the farthest I've ever made it so if we do end up winning I've completed my third goal. (The first two being going a tribal without getting a vote, and leading a blindside.) My other four goals - getting an advantage, making merge, winning individual immunity, and winning this game. Get your checklist out, cause I'm coming.

Keegs and I have 28 chips between us then Okay so I told Keegan this, and I could be wrong, but I feel as if the numbers in the vault seem fairly good and that leads me to believe that nothing has been bought yet. If anyone else gotten in there, they are likely saving up for the Super Idol. Keegan and I will be saving up for it but if it ends up being gone, we'll at least have enough chips to pick up some other stuff. Keegan to me: "Also, I just thought of something. Since it’s possible to go Bankrupt from the wheel, would it be a good idea for us to give most/all chips to each other before we spin the wheel? That way if we do land on a bad spot, we’re only losing like 1 chip instead of the 10-20?" This gonna be our wheel strat moving forward

...five seconds later

Jake came to me wanting to work together. Of course, there is no real way to turn such things down so I let Keegs know and then I told him I would be down for that. I am not tryna do some Final 2 or whatever. For now it is just a "I have your back if you have mine" type thing. Jake also went to Keegan so Jake better not fuck up and be overly messy because I have enjoyed my convos w him LMAO - Okay so update on that: he has pitched a 3 of me, him and Keegan. This is good for us so we are going with it but my loyalties are to Keegan before Jake and I think Keegan feels the same way. We are being hesitant just in case Jake has also pitched similar things to other people. If we go to tribal, ideally we keep Jake safe but if he's being like this with everyone then maybe he's the one to go. I like Jake so I would really make rather it be the former.

So nervous about this challenge! We went all in! I even danced Blackpink. My gosh we have to win this.

fuck

38 points in SSH is a terrible score, I’m upset at my poor performance, but now that I just acquired the Legacy Advantage, it makes my game so much more interesting to say the least. I have 11 chips, I could’ve bought an idol, but given my luck, I’d rather not risk all my chips and lose them on a bankrupt.

this is so lame, im not super worried about getting voted out but still i just like the serene environment that comes with immunity, the chaos is fun too but like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im tired 

Well... we lost the challenge. And I am not surprised in the slightest. This was a very very poor showing from this tribe. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind voting out Jeff right now. He really flopped the challenge. But it seems like the OG Palazzo group is wanting to stick together and vote out one of Jake, Mo or Kevin. Ideally, Kevin would be the one to go. I’ve barely talked with him, and with his recent win in Travellers survivor, he’s certainly capable of playing a strong game. That’s someone I’d like out sooner rather than later. Andrew has suggested Jake. Which I definitely don’t want. Jake, Livingston and myself have a sort of three person thing going on. As long as Jake is casting his net over the entire tribe, I want to continue working with him. Mo is in a weird spot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ At the end of the day though, I don’t really care who it is, as long as it ain’t me.

SO HAPPY TO HAVE FINALLY WON! Steph and I have enough chips either for an IDOL or two of other advantages. I would rather have two others, because there is an idol nullifier out there. And two advantages are better than one. I am going to be watching the tribal of Bellagio. I want to see if the OG Bellagio are a solid 5.

Ahhhh first time going to tribal. I’m really nervous. Not bec I think I’m in danger but more for long term... what to do?

girl... im so sick and tired of the people in this game keeping around inactive players because they know them from other games. SERIOUSLY, listen ma'am if my good friend is inactive, I know when someones dead weight. I get rid of them. They'll understand, and if they don't then thats a manipulative dumbass because who gets mad for being eliminated by a friend when they were inactive. it was originally gonna be me but ive been fucking pushing for kevin to go cus he doesnt do shit. DeNara give me strength.

Mo at one point was throwing my name out, which is awful. Apparently he’s not anymore. I think he’s voting for Kevin? Let’s hope so. I don’t want to be out of this game yet.

Currently holding that Legacy Advantage gives me much more access to information

[happymetalgirl]

Black Lives Matter (adapted from previous post)

I was finishing up my April albums post but I honestly couldn’t write about the albums I needed to without getting this out there first, and (as usual) it ended up being really long, so I separated it and made it its own post here.

I’m writing this part now at the beginning of June after an already tumultuous April and May, and now I’m just making myself sit down and do this because, well, honestly, it’s been pretty hard to justify spending my time writing about anything else with all all of what is going on right now. (I can’t wait to see what July throws at us.) But again, in all seriousness, I’m not looking for any pity or sympathy for my relatively mild circumstances at all because in all honesty, my assorted privileges have allowed my life to be pretty okay and proceed mostly uninterrupted in the midst of everything going on.

I’ll start by disseminating any ambiguity on what I’ll be talking about in these paragraphs. As I write this in the midst of a respiratory virus pandemic, another epidemic (possibly pandemic) of racist police brutality that has always existed in a culture of unhinged toxic masculinity in the United States has exploded to unbelievable and disgusting levels against Black people and peaceful protesters, ironically in wake of protests against fucking police violence, all of which is only emboldened and encouraged by local and federal leadership that is showcasing its oppressive, totalitarian ambitions in its unprecedented attempted revocations of its citizens constitutional and human rights.

I’ll make the necessary side note that this increasingly oligarchical government subservient to the will of military and prison industry has already shown its complete disregard for human rights for decades upon decades now through its violation of human rights through offensive wars and sanctions against other countries and its dehumanization of the refugees and immigrants who its actions create.

If you haven’t already checked out of this from all the political correctness breaching your conservative bubble (good job not being that person), but you’re upset because tHiS iS sUpPoSeD tO bE a MuSiC bLoG, uh, you’re on the wrong website buddy, and the potential tipping point of a long-awaited revolution in the midst of an economic depression, a viral pandemic, and a dual crisis of grotesque police violence and evolutionary transformation of proto-fascism into fascist dictatorship is no time to go about business as usual.

BUT OKAY, ENOUGH INTRODUCTION AND ENOUGH ABOUT ME! The point of this is to spotlight what to do in the wake of all of this. First of all, I don’t have all the answers and my perspective is as limited as any person’s, so if you’re an expert on any of these matters or if you have insight from having experiences that I as a white cis male have not had, if anything I’m bringing up here could be better in any way, feel absolutely free (but not obligated) to let me know.

Okay, so lots of problems at hand. The big, all-encompassing one facing all of humanity of course is the ecological disruption caused by industrially driven human-catalyzed climate change, and the rot of everything crystallizing at this current moment feeds into exacerbating that catastrophe, the next wide-reaching issue being capitalism, whose prioritization of profit and short-term gains is incredibly ill-equipped to handle a slow emergency like climate change or a more acute emergency like a global pandemic. Here in the U.S. we have a federal government so infested with corporate corruption to maximize capital profits for the country’s most wealthy that they couldn’t even choose the obvious solution of pausing the economy and providing for its people for the duration of the pandemic in the interest of public health over the appallingly quick choice of protecting the financial interests of the corporate “donors” that help them hold their positions of power, at the risk of maybe closing the gap a tiny bit between the truly despicably wealthy and the growing number of hopelessly impoverished. So while the wealthy get protection of their assets from the slow-down of business (you know, ‘cause the pandemic), the people in most need of help because of that slow-down and plunged into spiking unemployment get shit from the people meant to represent them. And that’s just the corporate rot that rears its head as a result of a pandemic!

Even in “normal” times, capitalism in this country has built its foundation on slave labor and justifying the use of slavery through racism (even after it became illegal to outright own people as slaves). That cornerstone of free/cheap labor that this country’s economy is built on whose role was served by slavery was filled by outsourcing to countries with an easily exploitable lower class (whose conditions are often exacerbated by U.S. meddling on behalf of business interests) and prison labor made possible by mass incarceration that has targeted similarly vulnerable people and communities of color through strategic, racially profiled over-policing of minority communities trapped in poverty through historic systemic racism.

The study of that global climate change I mentioned earlier is referred to as a crisis study because there isn’t an unlimited time to do something about it, and the ever-changing conditions and pivotal events of the world effect what needs to be done to combat it (and what it is too late to do). This current crisis of police brutality is one of those types of critical moments, for climate change and social justice. Police brutality didn’t become an issue when George Floyd was murdered on May 25th 2020; it’s been an ugly facet of this multifactedly ugly country for a long time now, but its being brought to light has instigated an uprising the likes of which has not been seen in a long while, and with it, an especially insidious aggression toward it by the increasingly fascist government and its authoritarian figurehead (to the point of threatening institution of martial law and suspending first amendment rights and habeas corpus) that at this point serves only to maintain complacency for the benefit of the ruling class and to the detriment of the disproportionately non-white lower working class (treated as a slave class). Consequently this is a pivotal time that obligates widespread action and ceasing of silence from privileged people like me who have been able to get away with writing about music largely apolitically for years. This is a time when we either plunge unfathomably further into the depths of fascism at the hands of the ruling class and the silence of the less-effected or we consolidate in this moment of broad energizing to both enact substantive change on the critical issue of police brutality and set a precedent and build momentum to achieve justice for LGBTQIA+ folk, other racial minorities and marginalized groups, and make the critical changes need to avoid civilizational dissolution in the face of the imperative to mitigate our impact on global warming.

Speaking of that change and the actions that this moment implores of us all to contribute our energy to: the most immediately critical issue at our feet, to both save human lives from being taken unjustly at the hands of police brutality and to galvanize this revolution to be able to demand further justice and critical social transformation, is ending police brutality. Being an institution born out of rounding up escaped slaves and given the state-supported monopoly on violence that attracts largely those seeking to satiate sadism with the license to that monopolized violence, police culture is inherently toxic and not worth even preserving for the sake of transforming structurally. While abolishing the police is obviously too ambitious of an immediate goal, there are a lot of proposed steps to defunding and largely dismantling the police as a whole. The project Campaign Zero outlines and pushes for ten tangible reforms that would (some of which have recently been proposed in Colorado) decrease police violence, especially in the majority-Black communities that suffer from it the most. The “8 Can’t Wait” proposal that has been making rounds lately is part of Campaign Zero, and donations to these projects are of course, quite helpful and a good start for this blossoming movement. Furthermore, donations to local bail funds is especially important at this time with police making wanton arrests of peaceful protests (and also just random Black people not making any disruption) to support the people going out and protesting. Because this money of course gets siphoned into the courts, and then partially to law enforcement, it’s important to also direct funds to organizations where that money will not later be used against us, but again, keeping people able to protest is of utmost importance, since that it what is driving positive change in this moment.

Also helpful is direct support of the people on the frontlines of these protests. It is a time for privileged people to take action in solidarity and support, but not one for privileged groups to take over or “lead” the movement. Right now, this is about who is hurting the most and who is being oppressed the most, and right now that is Black people, by police, hence BLACK LIVES MATTER. Now is not a time for even underprivileged white people to use these protests’ likelihood of escalating to indulge in venting frustrations against the system by inciting police violence that puts Black people disproportionately in more danger in such situations. Now is the time to use that privilege of being less prone to racism police violence to whatever extent possible to protect the people of color protesting. And again, this isn’t about being white saviors or martyrs, this is about supporting people in the way they wish, so don’t listen to my advice over the insight and requests of what Black people and the Black community have. And by all means, fucking listen to them! Read from them! Engage in good-faith conversation with them (though don’t expect any individual Black person to give you a seminar on racism when there are ample resources that don’t demand someone devoting their precious time to you)! Learn where the limits of your perspective fail you! And for fuck’s sake, don’t just cherry pick the word of one token Black friend that happens to have some class privilege to conveniently discount the testimonies of other Black people!

Lastly, on a personal note to the metalheads that read this blog, I think this is a particularly important time for the metal community, not to center itself, but to bring itself alongside social justice in a more complete way than it has in the past. Former Opeth and current Soen drummer Martín López said last year in an interview published in Blabbermouth that the metal community is very behind the curve on sociopolitical issues, and the response to his saying that from the metal community that floods Blabbermouth comment sections basically just made the case for the exact point he was making. And it’s a shame because I think such a huge part of metal is about standing up to injustice as part of or in support of the oppressed, or at least such a huge part of the metal I gravitate toward is. Without sounding too spiritual or cheesy because I’m not a really spiritual person, I feel like when I see the injustice going on, I feel that spirit of metal in all of it on the side of the oppressed. I feel like all the grindcore and deathcore and thrash and death metal I’ve been binging lately is in the spirit of the protesters standing up to and, when they have to, fighting back against the unjustified aggression of the police, and looking back at old, certified classic albums like …And Justice for All, Toxicity, and Chaos A.D. and more recent albums like Machine Head’s The Blackening, and Thy Art Is Murder’s Human Target, and Venom Prison’s Samsara, it’s always been about standing up to this kind of bullshit. So I think if there ever was a time since Sabbath birthed it for metal to prove that it’s as important as it makes itself out to be and as important as it is to everyone who listens to it in such a way that they read an obscure blog about it, now is that time to show that it’s not just about being an angry white guy. Now is the time to make Martín López happy by proving him wrong.

Well, in typical Happymetalboy fashion, I can’t seem to make anything brief.

[jsteneil]

Neil Josten’s Birthday Bash

in which the foxes don’t get anything done, ever

 *

Nicky added Dan, Kevin, Aaron and three others to “Neil Josten's Birthday Bash Organization Committee”.

Nicky: can't add Andrew because he still owns a FLIP PHONE but here we go

Dan: hell yeah B-)

Nicky: kevin can fill him in with the details anyway

Kevin: why me?

Allison: because you live with him?

Matt: you're practically attached at the hip

Dan: omg ur roomm8s

Matt: ^^^ what allison said

Dan: yeah

Nicky: OR aaron can do it on wednesdays so that there's no chance of neil finding out :D

Aaron: no.

Aaron left the chat.

Nicky: what

Nicky: the

Kevin: just add him back

Nicky: fuck

Kevin: ffs

Kevin: some ppl are in class

Nicky added Aaron to the chat.

Aaron: im muting you all

Allison: just embrace the fact that you've lived in SC for years and say y'all

Nicky: y'all!!!

Nicky: yeah

Matt: dude don't how are u gonna know when to buy your coordinated outfit and rehearse the choreography if you mute us

Dan: Aaron?

Renee: I do think he muted us

Allison: fuck a crybaby

Nicky: hey

Allison: what's he gonna do? Unmute us?

Dan: asdhskfjdl ALLI

Matt: lmfao

Nicky: moving ON

Nicky: the important thing here is my boy neil's birthday

Kevin: and you wonder why Aaron left

Nicky: what?

Kevin: maybe Neil doesn't want to celebrate his bday

Nicky: no that's too sad

Nicky: next person?

Allison: not to be that bitch

Matt: oh?

Allison: but do we even know when his birthday is?

Allison: fuck you matthew donovan boyd

Matt: sorry i love you

Dan: it was easy

Dan: matt ur easy

Matt: ily babe

Dan: <3

Kevin: jan 19th

Renee: March 31st?

Allison: wait

Dan: uhhhh

Matt: Neil Josten deserves 2 bdayz

Kevin: no jan 19th

Renee: oh i thought we were using the one he chose for himself

Matt: Renee add a smiley face

Renee: :)

Renee: ?

Dan: babe ur mind,,,, im crying

Matt: ikr

Allison: stop using mygf so

Kevin: is it me or does it sound really passive aggressive bitchy with a smiley face

Dan: ye that's the point

Renee: I really wasn't trying to be

Matt: oh no we know, sorry

Matt: i feel bad now

Matt: it was just funny

Matt: sorry

Dan: :(

Renee: It's okay, don’t worry

Renee: :)

Dan: renee STOP i feel like ur going 2 murder me in my sleep

Renee: I could, but I won't

Nicky: im shaking and im not even in your dorm

Allison: and we daily thank god for that

Nicky: hey im an excellent roommate

Nicky: i always leave so cap and matt can have sexy times

Dan: yeah but then u call it sexy time

Allison: ive seen the bathroom nicky

Nicky: that's aaron

Matt: l o l

Kevin: aaron's a neat freak

Allison: exposed

Nicky: erik come get me the people here are mean

Renee: So when's Neil's actual birthday?

Kevin: jan 19th

Nicky: who's gonna ask andrew?

Kevin: HE HAS REAL PAPERS NOW

Kevin: JUST GO CHECK AND LET ME BE IN CLASS IN PEACE

Allison: well okay drama queen

Dan: kevin: *is on the chat as much as us*

Dan: also kevin: guys why r u dragging me here

Matt: it's okay kevin we can talk about it during practice

Renee: Don't goad him, Matt

Dan: lmfao babe u thought

Matt: uh oh

Allison: lol

Dan: we need 2 trounce the ravens nxt wk

Nicky: do we have to

Dan: y'all r hauling ass @ practice or god help me

Nicky: id settle for a close victory

Matt: nicky if you don't help us close the goal next friday im telling neil about his surprise

Nicky: noooooo :'(

Allison: ye renee has enough to do without having to face stuff y'all should have blocked

Renee: Andrew is also a goalkeeper

Allison: yeah but he doesn't give a fuck

Renee: That's neither true nor fair

Dan: i want bragging rights over this vctry, end of the question

Matt: are we just gonna ignore the fact that the fbi chose neil's old bday

Matt: even tho they made him a new identity

Allison: wonder how this conversation went

Nicky: are we ignoring the fact that neil is a goddamn CAPRICORN

Allison: "in my left hand is your birthday date. In my right hand is your other birthday" *shuffles behind his back*

Matt: idk about astrology but I checked and he tried to pass for an aries so what does that tell us?

Dan: shut up adfhskdjs

Nicky: im dying

Kevin: [attached picture]

Matt: did u steal neil's ID

Allison: i thought you were in class

Kevin: he sent it to me

Nicky: his phone can take pics??

Dan: RLY crappy 1s but yeah

Nicky: so all those times andrew refused to send me pics of his Eden’s Twilight's outfits so i could coordinate neil's…

Matt: :/

Kevin: he just doesn't like you

Allison: i would have laughed but you two have been fighting the good fight since last year, dressing neil up

Nicky: hey

Renee: Kevin, that was mean

Nicky: but thanx allison, I think so too

Kevin: sorry

Kevin: he's just difficult?

Nicky: yeah :(

Dan: omg u guys rmr when neil was on k ferdinand's show n he looked like a bite-sized snack in that shirt

Kevin: not exactly what I remember from this interview

Dan: u were pretty 2 <3

Kevin: oh my god

Renee: Didn't Neil keep the clothes?

Nicky: i've never seen him wear them again

Nicky: maybe he STUFFED THEM DOWN THE TOILET

Matt: uh okay

Allison: weird emphasis

Kevin: are you still stuck on that

Dan: what

Kevin: it's what happened with the clothes he wore the first time we went to columbia

Nicky: do you know how expensive that plumber was?

Matt: just a thought but maybe that wouldn't have happened if you didn't force him to come with you and drugged him against his will

Allison: don't tell me someone actually peed on them and tried to flush

Nicky: take it up with andrew

Matt: you literally drove the car

Kevin: what happened in columbia stays in columbia

Allison: omg oh my god

Dan: IM SCREAMING

Nicky: what was i supposed to do, get knifed?

Nicky: also ^^^^ yeah.

Nicky: ANYWAY

Nicky: now that Kevin got us proof that the FBI officially made neil a capricorn again,,

Dan: the fbi be like "oh u thought u could escape ur traumatic past? That's nice buddy

Matt: yeah I don't think beating last year's party is gonna be hard

Dan: here's ur bday n trauma back"

Nicky: HAPPY THOUGHTS

Nicky: :(

Nicky: anyway it's the big 21st, so the first thing in order is BOOZE

Kevin: uh nicky

Renee: He's turning 20?

Matt: what???

Kevin: yeah he aged himself up on his fake papers

Matt: oh my god

Dan: lmfao only neil

Nicky: he is baby

Matt: does. Does he know though. Like did he check when they made him the papers.

Kevin: I'm guessing so

Matt: imagine filling a form or smth and you get the day right but not the year

Renee: Wait Kevin, how did you get neil to send you the pic without telling him about the surprise party?

Nicky: DON'T YOU DARE HAVE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE NJBB

Allison: njbb?

Dan: neil josten's bday bash, im guessing

Nicky: Neil Josten's

Nicky: BIRTHDAY BASH

Nicky: yes

Allison: it doesn’t sound right

Allison: like, something’s missing in the name

Matt: alli we play a sport named after what you get when you take the s from sexy

Dan: 10 bux kevin wishes he didn't have such a stick up his butt so he could reply with exy is sexy

Allison: im not taking that

Kevin: i actually don't know why she named it that

Kevin: she never told the press and she didn't write it anywhere so

Nicky: :(

Allison: oh

Dan: sorry :(

Renee: Maybe coach knows?

Matt: maybe each letter has a meaning

Kevin: how?

Allison: endangering xylophones yearly?

Matt: EXceptional daY

Matt: and then, boom, it's about your name

Renee: Matt, I like that idea!

Dan: allison, no

Kevin: I'll have to ask coach, renee

Kevin: anyway it was always going to be her name, she invented it

Nicky: someone bring neil in so he can say something super serious about how kevin is a legendary striker whose name is already associated with exy and make us choke with emotion

Kevin: nicky….

Nicky: look it's working and he's not even there

Allison: it's the josten effect

Dan: changing your entire life's beliefs one extremely tragic remark at a time

Matt:...

Matt: someone change the subject im sad

Nicky: BIRTHDAY BASH

Kevin: oh yeah nicky asked me how i got neil's ID

Allison: and?

Kevin: i told him i signed him up for his own exynews account so he could stop hogging mine for streaming

Kevin: so i needed his name and birthday

Kevin: and then we got into an argument about date formats

Nicky: dd/mm/yy 4ever

Allison: eww

Kevin: so he sent me a pic instead of writing the date

Dan: it's the european propaganda getting to him

Kevin: i guess i really have to get him an account now

Dan: kevin i know you're entirely serious but that's so funny

Nicky: THE REST OF THE WORLD USES IT

Matt: admit it, you can't wait to go back to Germany because you secretly like the metric system

Nicky: yeah dicks sound bigger if you use centimeters

Dan: didn't need 2 know that

Nicky: not that erik needs that :)

Dan: I DON'T WANNA KNOW

Renee: ….

Matt: honestly im glad i don't understand german or i would never live down all the skyping

Dan: renee's like "can't relate" lmfao

Renee: No indeed

Allison: hell yeah that's my girlfriend

Renee: <3

Allison: hey minyard if you're secretly lurking now is the time to leave

Allison: …

Renee: No, he truly muted us earlier

Dan: are we surprised?

Renee: we'll catch him up on what we decide to do later

Renee: Nicky?

Nicky: oh, yeah!!!

Nicky: BIRTHDAY BASH

Matt: here we go again

Dan: mamma mia

[badvogues]

some self-care/mental health tips for the upcoming school year

with school coming soon or already starting for some people i figured i’d share some of my tips for a healthier lifestyle. i know in the past i’ve struggled so much with being good to myself once school starts, both mentally, emotionally, and physically!

keep a clean room 

i know how hard this is. i’m absolutely awful at it, even in the summer but it really makes the biggest difference. coming home to a mess when your life is already stressful and messy enough just makes things worse. i know when i have a clean space i’m way more productive and at peace with my situation.

take a break from social media

just doing this every once in awhile makes the hugest difference. social media is a wonderful world but it’s easy to get caught up in how everyone is doing things without you or having more fun or how someone’s prettier or whatever. it’s not worth it. i’ve learned that just deleting the apps for even a few hours can make my mental state 10x better. it’s important to realize that while people are out doing things all the time, you can never be as fun as all the 162 people you follow combined.

don’t be afraid to invite people out

one of the biggest things i struggle with is being social, simply because i overthink inviting people to do things with me too much and just wait to be invited by someone else instead. remember that even if someone says they can’t do something, it’s not the end of the world. at least you opened up a possibility!!! by being someone who invites others to do things, people will feel more appreciated and like you actually want to hang out with them! but also always save time for yourself as well!

create a self-care routine with motivation

by giving yourself some type of reward to wash your face, brush your teeth and shower, such as only watching your favorite tv show afterwards, it will feel a bit easier to accomplish the tasks that seem simple but can be terribly hard, especially if you suffer from depression. i’ve learned that combining things into one task also makes it easier, such as once you get in the shower, do everything. wash your face, brush your teeth, shave, all in the shower. it makes self-care so much easier.

get outside, stay out of bed

laying in bed is the best thing ever, i know, but it can be so easy to get in there and never get out. this is my biggest bad habit. i feel more productive even just sitting on the couch. my bed is like a black hole of lost motivation. go outside for twenty minutes a day if you can. sunlight makes things a little better and staying inside all day does nothing for you.

do one thing that scares you everyday, big or small.

i’m someone who has struggled with social anxiety for years now, but i’m slowly getting better because i’m making a conscious (and very terrifying effort) everyday. this won’t work for everyone, i know, but it’s helped me a little bit. i try to challenge myself everyday to do one thing that scares me, whether it’s asking someone to do something after school or agreeing to get coffee with a friend you’re not super close to yet, or even just making conversation with someone next to me in class. don’t push yourself too far but don’t make zero effort either.

cut the negative language/mindset

anytime you have a negative thought find a reverse positive. even saying “i’m not happy with how my hair looks but my ass looks great in these jeans” is better than saying “i look awful today”. stop the constant internal bullying! think of it this way, if your best friend said the things you say to yourself, how would you feel? you’re your own best friend, so cut the shit! compliment yourself like you do your best friend. complimenting myself and finding things i find beautiful on my own body even once a day has increased my confidence exponentially. a negative language towards yourself leads to a negative mindset.

find someone who motivates you

if you need motivation to work out, study, anything, find a buddy. having someone to do things with and hold you accountable makes a world of difference. this summer i got together with a friend and made a deal that we would work out 2-3 times a week. it worked so much better than if i had just made that goal for myself because she was always there to text me to ask to workout when we needed to but i lacked the desire. and i did the same for her. now we actually both got a job at a gym together this fall and are working out consistently because we have that mutual  accountability with each other! plus just having someone you enjoy seeing makes doing the hard task more fun!

accept your individuality

you don’t need to look like society’s ideal of beautiful. there’s millions of types of flowers, and just because one kind is pretty to someone, does that make all the others ugly? no. there’s tons of species of dogs too and they all look totally different. is a poodle ugly just because a golden retriever is cute? NO. your individuality is you. everyone is beautiful in the very own unique way. don’t try to look like someone ellse. your beauty is not measured by how perfect your features are. 

drink some fucking water

and eat some food too

understand that a bad week doesn’t mean a bad life

we’re all going to go through those weird ass time periods where it feels like everything sucks and nothing can go right. accept that although it’s pretty bad right now, it won’t be forever. 

good luck with this school year everyone! hope my tips help even just one person. take care of yourselves, kiddos.

[noctae-corvus]

Let's do #squad, parachute, zodiac, contact and shooting star for Athena, Noire and Dae!!

#squad: who’s friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like? 

Get prepared for me to mention a few characters i have only ever drawn like,, twice ever or never at all ahah. You may know some of these characters but stuff is being turned around to fit the lore better and yeeee

So the squad so to say consists of Athena, Leonidas, Desdaemon, Pyrrha (a human lesbian witch and major rebel spy that runs a bar in one of the shady corners of the city’s slums and also likes to gut “rowdy” male patrons), Raphaela (a fallen angel looking to find her purpose and a way back to the realm of her patron god, currently the best rebel sniper. Also lesbian,), Hermione (much like Dae, shared a fate of having had to work for the tyrant Tartarus- fancy as fuck vampire that taps into blood magic and poisons and has a great love for reptiles, snakes especially) and Ryujin (foreign mercenary recruited by the rebellion). Noire is still kinda part of the squad; but also has a distance, being considerably older than all of them and not getting into their shenaningans really.

So obviously there’s the twins, Athena and Leonidas with each other and their adoptive father, Noire. The twinnies are mischievous and often hanging out together, whether it be at a library or training or doing a marathon of the Sharkanado movies.

Athena and Desdae are best buds, platonic soulmates, actually literally bound to each other via a blood pact. They pretty much have no secrets between them and 

Desdae and Leonidas mayy or may not be friends with benefits and occasional drinking buddies alongside Ryujin and Pyrrha.

Pyrrha is like the fun mom of the squad, maintains a good relationship with everyone and often acts like an older sister. She is closest with the girls of the squad and Desdaemon. At the very least, if they want to vent their frustrations and get advice as well as a free drink, they know who to turn to.Raphaela is the actual mom of the squad, usually the one fretting over everyone’s well-being and scolding them for skipping meals and losing sleep. Bursts into Athena’s and Leo’s room to tell them to stop watching Sharkanado and finally go to bed. Literally called “bird mom”.

Hermione? Probably the youngest of the group. They all call her “bean”. She and Leonidas are the utter nerds and bond over books and science (and experiments involving ice and blood magic), while simultaneously judging everyone else’s fashion sense with Pyrrha. Dae and Hermione have a sibling-like bond.

Ryujin is the quietest of the group but still tags along for all the shenaningans. Sparring with him is something else and usually hangs with Raphaela. New to the group, still has fitting in to do.

Noire doesn’t get involved much, usually lets them do their own thing and makes sure they’re all not getting into trouble (or bails them out of trouble when it happens-)

Still have some fleshing out to do (and a lot of characters to actually draw-) but this is it pretty much! :’>

parachute: who does your OC(s) trust the most? who makes them feel safe? who would they do absolutely anything for? 

Athena: Really deeply trusts Desdaemon, Leonidas and Noire. She doesn’t invest a lot of trust in people, but when she does, she’s ride or die for real. Des is her best friend and platonic soulmate for all intents and purposes, Leonidas she has been together with since they were born, survived through hardship really bc they’re had each other and they’ve always had each other’s backs and Noire raised her since she was a kid, taking the role of a father she lost to the clutches of tyranny and supporting her to his best ability.Desdaemon: Due to his isolated upbringing, Dae really only trusts Athena, Leonidas and Hermione. He knows a lot of people, can get along with many people, being a charming bastard, but only puts his real trust in the twins, both because they’ve grown closer together through hardship and because they are the only people he remembers from his short childhood. Hermione he trusts because he grew up with her and has always been a guardian of hers, and she has been there to anchor him to his goals and reality.

Noire: The old man trusts his adoptive children the most- and that literally means the whole squad. He is very careful of who he puts into his team of assassins and spies, but for them, he would take a bullet for and feels endless guilt for having to send them out while staying behind.

zodiac: what’s their sign? does it influence their personality? do they care about astrology? 

Athena: Her zodiac sign is Virgo and I suppose I just jot those down for fun, not big or knowledgeable on astrology to be fair :’> If some traits do fit though, nice! Athena is not the one to believe or care about astrology.

Des: His zodiac sign is Aquarius, he doesn’t particularly care about astrology either, though might read up on it for the heck of it.

Noire: His zodiac sign is Pisces and in fact, he does care about astrology and has studied it sometime in the past.

contact: how does your OC(s) feel about touch/physical contact? are they affectionate? if so, how do they display affection to others?

Athena: Touch her and get a headlock- Athena is very jumpy and really does not like to be touched by people she doesn’t trust. Though she will tolerate it if putting up a polite facade, during any other time she responds very defensively. With people she trusts, she is affectionate and loves hugs/cuddling (and occasionally being carried). She may sometimes lay on top of people as a sign of affection like an oversized cat, especially in dragon form.

Desdaemon: Doesn’t mind physical contact, often touches people himself when talking with them (will stop if asked), loves cuddling with friends and displays of affection can be anything from typical hugs to “I randomly got you McDonalds bc I thought of u”

Noire: Please hug this man. He loves physical contact and touch and he’ll probably sell his soul for 1 hour of hugging. Often hugs, pats and kisses friends and family. Brushes hands with a cashier and dies a bit tbh.

shooting star: if your OC(s) could have one wish what would it be? 

Athena: This poor gal would have so many wishes haha. But mainly for Tartarus to never have existed, the mess she has gotten into wouldn’t exist and she’d be able to have a peaceful life.

Desdaemon: For all children to have a loving home and normal childhood- scars dig too deep and he never wants any child to experience growing up in a war-torn and corrupted nation.

Noire: For all war to stop- he has seen enough of bloody history repeating and losing dear friends to the vicious cycle and doesn’t want to see anymore. Either that, or a more selfish wish for a dead lover of his to come back to life.

oh dear this was so long haha, sorry if some resposes seem a bit inadequate! Thank you for the ask, this was pretty fun! :’>

[muses14]

Original 151 Poke’mon

And what it says about you! By: James Grebey This is a fun read! :D Bulbasaur — You’re accessible, reliable, and don’t like to be challenged. If you did like a challenge, you wouldn’t have chosen the starter that can steamroll the first two gyms. Ivysaur — You’re starting to be a “real adult,” so you pay your own cell-phone bill. Venusaur — You’ve had to deal with several rounds of layoffs and all sorts of bullshit, and your body hurts and you’re just goddamn tired and full of resentment. Charmander — You’ve fooled everyone—maybe even yourself—into thinking that you’re all cute and sweet, but there is a fire inside you and you are ready to let folks know that they’ve wronged you. Charmeleon — Your favorite soda is Diet Mountain Dew. Charizard —  You think of yourself as a scrappy underdog, despite being undeniably popular and powerful. Ninety percent chance you’re a Boston sports fan. Squirtle — You’re sweet and innocent and are blessed with the ability to rock any pair of sunglasses. Wartortle — You’re a little upset when people don’t comment on your new haircut, even though you totally did not get it for the attention. Blastoise — Your favorite genre of movie is military documentary. Caterpie — You have low expectations for yourself, but the key is finding joy in the ordinary. Metapod — You would eat undercooked chicken when you ordered a salad rather than tell the waiter that they got your order wrong. Butterfree — You’re still deeply scarred by that episode of Pokémon where Ash says goodbye to his Butterfree, and that emotional trauma is the only reason why you haven’t picked a better Pokémon to be your favorite. Weedle — Contrary to the saying, you do not know when you’ve been insulted. Kakuna — You remember every single slight that’s ever been leveled against you, real and perceived. Beedrill — You have forgotten about at least one of your tattoos. Pidgey — People wrongly assume that you can’t keep a secret, but you’re actually extremely trustworthy, and it’s a little hurtful, actually, that people think they can’t confide in you. Pidgeotto — You attempted to start going by your middle name when you went off to college, but it didn’t stick. Pidgeot — You don’t participate in the group text thread much, but whenever you do chime in, it’s a knockout. Rattata —  You’re a tattletale. Raticate — There’s a pizza box somewhere in your bedroom, right now. Spearow — You push away people who are only trying to help. Fearow — You have stabbed somebody, or at least seriously, seriously considered it. Ekans — Deep in your heart, you know that you’re a Slytherin. Arbok — You proudly self-identify as a Slytherin. Pikachu — Ya basic. Raichu — You think that those rentable scooter start-ups are good, actually. Sandshrew — You have a rich inner life, and you’re secure enough that you don’t feel the need to always be a part of every conversation. Sandslash — Nobody ever really knows what you’re thinking, and it keeps people on edge. Nidoran♀ — You’re deeply upset about what’s happened to Tumblr. Nidorina — You would be onboard a “Hillary 2020” campaign. Nidoqueen — You listen to Lemonade once a day. Nidoran♂ — You probably have some personal biases that you should really address. Nidorino — Inexplicably, you are super, super into soccer, or, as you call it, “football.” Nidoking — In lieu of a personality, you are really into bourbon and craft beer. Clefairy — You would die for Carly Rae Jepsen. Clefable — You can utterly destroy somebody’s sense of self-worth and self-confidence with just the briefest of withering looks. Vulpix — You have dabbled in crystals. Ninetales — You’ve tried running the way they do in Naruto at least once because, well, what if it really is faster that way? Jigglypuff — You want to be the center of attention, yet you cannot handle even the mildest criticism. Wigglytuff — You are deeply invested in the Royal Family. Zubat — You are extremely annoying, and everyone wishes you would stop bothering them!!!! Christ, I’m just trying to walk through this cave in peace!!! Golbat — You nasty. Oddish — You have fallen prey to a multilevel-marketing scheme you learned about on Instagram, and you just don’t know it yet. Gloom — You forgot to put on deodorant, and even though you smell fine (it’s really not a big deal), you are mortified and want to die. Vileplume — You’ve uploaded multiple YouTube videos that begin with “Hey guys, sorry it’s been so long since my last video!” Paras — You’re just trying to get by, man. Parasect — You are Too Online, and it has poisoned your brain. Venonat — Bernie Bro. Venomoth — You’re a Warren G. Diglett — First dates always go well for you, but the person you’re dating will soon discover that you have a lot of stuff going on under the surface. Dugtrio — You’re almost never seen without the company of your best friends in the whole world, and you are terrified about what will happen if anybody moves away. Meowth — You were the class clown in high school, and in retrospect you probably deserved all those suspensions. Persian — You do not have any student loans. Psyduck — You use Tweetdeck to view Twitter, and you’re constantly confused and upset. Golduck — You deleted your Facebook account, but you can keep tabs on your friends with both of your Instagram accounts, so it’s pretty much the same. Mankey — You have punched an authority figure at least once. Primeape — You have punched an authority figure at least once...and won. Growlithe — You don’t love it when people don’t follow rules, but you’re extremely loyal, so you’d never make a big deal of it. Arcanine — You would like to speak to the manager. Poliwag — You go along with the flow out of necessity. Poliwhirl — You are Jason E. Christian, and you live at 23rd East Walnut Lane in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Yes, Jason, we know where you live, and we know what you’ve done. Don’t try to deny it, and don’t try to hide. Poliwrath — You knew multiple yo-yo tricks when you were a kid, and could probably still walk the dog if somebody gave you a yo-yo, even though you’ve largely put such childish things behind you. Abra — You have made important life decisions based on astrology. Kadabra — You took an online IQ test, and because you were happy with the result, you take it as gospel. Alakazam — You’re a mod for several important subreddits. Machop — You’re excited for the tub of protein powder you ordered from Amazon to get here already. Machoke — Machoke me, daddy. Machamp — Remember Big Dick Energy? You have the opposite of that. Bellsprout — You are in way over your head. Weepinbell — You were recently ghosted. Victreebel — You recently ghosted somebody. Tentacool — You think it’s funny to call sports “sportsball.” Tentacruel — You are lurking behind the scenes, waiting for your moment. Geodude — You’re a 14-year-old Men’s Rights Activist. Graveler — MAGA. Golem — You’re a dad who drinks exclusively Milwaukee's Best. IPAs have too much flavor. Ponyta — You’re a horse girl (or horse guy, but you for sure were an enthusiastic junior equestrian). Rapidash — You have never taken a public bus, and you don’t ever plan to. Slowpoke — The people who make fun of you secretly envy you. Slowbro — You just want to relax and not worry about things, but somebody is always riding your ass. Magnemite — You never miss trivia night at your favorite bar, and you take the competition super seriously. Magneton — You never miss trivia night at your favorite bar, but because your friends carry most of the weight, you view it as a weekly opportunity to get sloshed. Farfetch'd — You host a podcast about bad movies that you started with your buddy. Weekly downloads average in the dozens. Doduo — You are paralyzed by even the most minor decisions. Dodrio — After weighing all the options, you then just say “fuck it” and go with your gut. Results have been mixed. Seel — Just happy to be here. Dewgong — You follow multiple National Geographic and wildlife accounts on Instagram, and those commercials about abused animals make you cry every time. Grimer — You’re trashy as hell, but you own it. Muk — You’re trashy as hell, but not in a cute or kitschy way. Shellder — Ariana Grande would hate you. Cloyster — Everything you do is vaguely sexual. Gastly — You shitpost online. Haunter — You are an online troll. Gengar — You steal people’s jokes and post them on your own viral Instagram account. Onix — You have a lot of opinions about “kids these days.” Drowzee — Your allergy medicine is really slowing down your roll. Hypno — You have serious “creepy uncle” vibes. You are not actually an uncle. Krabby — Honestly, given all the stress you’re under, you’re pretty goddamn calm, all things considered. Kingler — You’re always inviting yourself to have a taste of someone’s meal or split a dessert with them, even though they maybe wanted a whole dessert, Kingler — You can order your own instead of stealing half of mine. Voltorb — You’re keeping your mouth good and shut, and it is the only reason you haven’t been fired. Electrode — Premature ejaculation : ( Exeggcute — Part of you is broken. Exeggutor — The funniest movie you’ve ever seen is Billy Madison, and The Waterboy is a close second. Cubone — You own a Corpse Bride T-shirt you bought at Hot Topic because it’s goth. Marowak — Your emo phase resulted in you getting a face tattoo. Hitmonlee — Your least favorite day of the entire year is January 1, because you can’t deal with all of these poseurs ruining your workout because their New Year’s resolution was to go to the gym. Hitmonchan — Given how much you pay for the membership and for all the fancy workout clothes and equipment, you should really go to the gym more. You look the part, though. Lickitung — You are a generous lover, yet somehow unnervingly so. Koffing — Vape influencer. Weezing — Can smoking weed give you black lung disease? You’re determined to find out. Rhyhorn — You’re very goal-oriented but don’t really do “outside-the-box” thinking. Rhydon — You are always ready to rumble. Chansey — You live a very sheltered life. Tangela — Your online browsing history is an absolute nightmare, and your greatest fear is somebody seeing what kind of weird stuff you’re doing on the web. Kangaskhan — Wine mom. Horsea — You’ve never done anything wrong in your entire life. Seadra — You own multiple leather jackets. Goldeen —  You have the Sweetgreen app downloaded to your phone, and you use it pretty much every day. Seaking — Everybody is lying to you, and you had no idea until just now. Staryu — You delete posts when they don’t get enough likes. Starmie — You claim to have famous friends. Mr. Mime — You have a humiliation fetish. Scyther — When everyone was busy partying, you studied the blade. Jynx — You have been canceled due to old tweets. Electabuzz — You still mourn the demise of Four Loko. Magmar — You have unironically worn a fedora and don’t have any friends who are close enough with you that they’ll tell you the truth. Pinsir — You want DC to #ReleaseTheSnyderCut. Tauros — You’re sorry, you thought this was America! Magikarp — You’re just going through a rough patch, it’ll be okay. Probably. Gyarados — You’re overcompensating. Lapras — Your friends love you for being “Team Mom” and making sure everyone gets home when someone has a little too much to drink, but deep down you wish they could just be a little more responsible so that you wouldn’t have to make sure they don’t drown in a pond every single time you go to the bars. Ditto — You’re adaptable but have chronic imposter syndrome. Eevee — You can get away with a lot, and nobody will really get mad at you. This won’t last. Vaporeon — You’re a brunch aficionado. Jolteon — You love a good 5K and taking your company softball team very seriously. Flareon — You would never buy something off the rack. Porygon — You have an idea for an app that’ll really disrupt things. Omanyte — You are sitting on an incredibly hot take that you’re kind of nervous about sharing. Omastar — You have a lot of opinions about how bad Daenerys’s military tactics are on Game of Thrones. Kabuto — You prefer subs, not dubs. Kabutops — Your Super Smash Bros. pick is Fox, and you will only play Final Destination with no items. Aerodactyl — You’ve been single for a long time and it’s a little hard to get back in the dating game, but you’re trying and that’s what matters. Snorlax — Honestly, happier and more content than any other Pokémon on this entire list. God, I envy it. Articuno — It takes you a long time to figure out what outfit you’re going to wear, but once you’ve finally picked something from your closet, you always look good. Zapdos — Your mother really wishes you wouldn’t swear so much. Moltres — Your life is constantly a flaming mess and you’re always teetering on the edge of collapse, but somehow you’ve tricked everyone into thinking that you’re doing great and are always in control. Dratini — Your “I want to be a marine biologist" phase lasted longer than most. Dragonair — You were the editor of your high school newspaper, and you served on student council. Dragonite — You’re not like regular bosses, you’re a cool boss (until somebody fucks up). Mewtwo — You’re overpowered. This is bullshit, you shouldn’t be able to pick Mewtwo as your favorite Pokémon. Stop being a jerk and pick another. This isn’t fair. Mew — You’re baby.

[kathibbard]

The Deaths of Charles Manson and David Cassidy

On our way to pick up the turkey from Costco, Bub and I heard a Motorhead song. Listening to Lemmy belt it out, I felt a bit sad for a moment. I mentioned to Bub, all of our rock and roll heroes are dying off. While I feel a pang of nostalgia when hearing of a famous person’s death, I never feel the need to post something about it on social media or carry on in memorial conversations. Because I’m up so early scrolling, I normally read about a death before my media buddies. I expect the rest of the day to go as follows. Bub comes down and tells me of the death. Throughout the day and possibly over the next few, the stream of posts about  the death roll in along with my favorite RIP.

I should have included this on my top 5 annoying social media habits of others. Since I’m still writing this book I can actually make the change but now I am committed to creating an entire chapter on the subject, I choose to unravel the tale right here. Plus, I came up with such a clever name so no use in scrapping the idea.

Back to RIP. First of all, let’s be real. The person is dead and can’t hear your wishes for them to rest in peace. Secondly, what does this even mean. Do we need to look at death? When a person dies, all life fails to exist so yes, the dead body may be considered resting but any feeling of peace left with the last breath. Finally, why do people either want to be the first one to tell of the death (like I heard this first)? Why also, do they feel the need to post about it. I’m not sure what type of human desire this fulfills but now I want to read up on it and see if the desire could possibly be filled another way and maybe I can make an app out of it and become a millionaire.

You can’t imagine my joy then this morning to see all types of posts wishing Charles Manson to rest in peace. Come on you guys! This is so fucked up! Your innate desire to be a part of the news just sent wishes to a mass murderer to rest in peace. How about RIH, or DCD or even GRTBR? Yes, I will translate and it is funny to me that my spell check only rejected GRTBR. Rot in hell, die Charlie die and one of Richie’s favorite things to say to me, good riddance to bad rubbish. I’m sure there are many more and all far more appropriate than RIP. To add to the widespread stupidity, folks thought Marilyn Manson died and gave him the RIP treatment.

In the midst of this malarkey, my teen idol is in the hospital dying of organ failure. David Cassidy represented everything that was good, pure, happy and loved in my rocky world. Yes, the adult me knows he had a tough road with addiction but the 10-year-old me only saw that fresh face, that sweet body, the hip clothes and only heard the groovy songs about life and love.

Something terrible happened when I was ten and I may have written about it in Bullets but since I am in flow, I don’t want to risk going to look it up. Also, I am at work and really need to finish this chapter so I can get some work done. Some boy came over to my house and I’m not sure why because I didn’t have any friends and if I did the certainly wouldn’t want to come over to my house. Whatever the reason, the boy went right up to my precious David Cassidy poster. You may think it was just a poster but you have to remember, I spent so much time hiding in my bedroom while Richie was throwing Janet and furniture around, that poster was all I had.

When things were rough, I would just stare at the poster and sing happy Partridge Family songs to myself to shield the pain. So this boy and boy would I like to remember who he was so I could find him on facebook (it’s a joke) and seek my revenge. Anyway, he grabbed the poster off of the wall and entered into a game of keep away. I was screaming. It was the kind of scream you utter when your child runs out into the street. I was pleading for him to please give it back to me and to this it only amused him further. At some point, he told me I could have it back if I pulled down my pants and showed him my butt. How does a kid think of this in the heat of the action. I mean I understand how the butt grew to be something guys would go to any length to view but at 10, it was just a tiny, skinny and white butt.

Yes, I did it and he gave me the poster back and I kicked him out. With tears in my eyes and with my whole body still shaking, I taped that poster back up and cried the rest of the day. It’s tragic my relationship with boys bullying and abusing me didn’t stop there but gladly this story ended well or at least my young perception of well.

A few years back, I saw an ad for a David Cassidy event not too far from my home. I purchased tickets and asked Bub to go with me. This is the great thing about us. There may be times when one of us in not interested in what the other is but we make the trip for solidarity and end up having some fun in the end. I dressed up and fixed my hair pretty and we were off. I was so disappointed when I found out it was a question and answer session with him only playing one or two songs. I thought it was a concert and if I had known I would never had went. Well, we were there so decided to make the best of it.

About midway through the show, they opened up questions to the audience. I said to Bub, I was going to make the most out of this and since I didn’t get to see David in concert as I didn’t have the chance to in my life, I was going to get up on that stage for a hug. We played it perfectly.

I went up to the stage and took my place in line. I had the question formed in my head. While we didn’t formally come up with a plan, Bub had his part ready. Remember, my goal was to get on stage with David. When it was my turn, he said hello sweetie, which could have been enough but of course I was riding this train all the way. I calmly said, “first of all.” There I turned around in circles several time while waving my hands in the air and squealing yeeeeeeeeee! The audience exploded with laughter. My plan was underway.

Now time for my comment to get me up close and personal. “David, my childhood was void of joy due to abuse in the home (here is where he is already saying awww sweetie), your music brought happiness into a dark place and for this I thank you. He responded warmly with thank yous and more awww sweeties and at the appropriate time, Bub yells out, “give her a hug.” The audience explodes once more and all David can do is invite me up for a hug. SUCCESS!!

We have video of this and I watched it knowing David is on his deathbed. I don’t remember the question but I do remember him being off now that I was on stage and he was rushing me through it. I didn’t care, mission was accomplished. I got on stage. I got the hug and we had it on film to last an eternity.

I’m thinking about posting this video on my wall in memory of David and of how he touched so many people in his career. Whether I do or not will remain to be seen. What we do know is my post will not contain RIP but rather a celebration of the  memories. I imagine, fans are meaning to do this with all their RIP posts and vigils so I get it but I guess I would like for people to not be lazy about it. If you mean to memorialize someone then do with feeling and not with an acronym which leaves you open to posting well wishes to a deceased mass murderer. 

[ninjoots]

Tennis Practice

It was a very awful feeling to have. The feeling that sinks into your brain, then goes to your heart, then to your stomach, and then to the tear ducts in your eyes. That feeling when you realize something and everything seems to crash down inside you. Your brain shatters into a million shards of glass, and they fall down to your heart, cutting it up into little bits. Then you start to feel sick, because the blood in your body is carrying those shards and bits of your heart straight to the stomach acid, and it twists your gut into a knot. Your eyes start to feel wet, and you try blinking away your tears. And you wonder if blinking away tears doesn’t even really happen. Like they reference it in every sad scene of every sad book and movie, but it never works when you want it to.

These are the things Charles Lee felt when Thomas Jefferson beat him at tennis.

Charles Lee had played tennis since he was ten years old, always preferring it over everything that the other boys liked to do. When summer and spring rolled around, he would head to the little tot’s tennis court and school all the girls there. When fall and winter rolled around he would bundle up in a few layers of coats and scarves, go outside, and bounce a tennis ball against the wall. Or he would go inside and watch tennis videos.

Tennis was his stress reliever. When he got into high school he hid it a little more and his anger unleashed dramatically. But then once he was in college, he was at the court every day. He was undefeated by everybody, and now here he was.

He was standing on one of the most famous tennis courts of all time in the United States. The USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in Queens, New York City. He felt alive as he walked in there at 5:30 in the morning. He was wearing a black muscle tee, some sweatpants with his navy blue tennis shorts under them, navy blue and black nike shoes, tall black socks, and a sweatband around his forehead. He set his bag down on the ground and pulled out his tennis racket, matching his outfit.

Charles took a deep breath and got out his container of tennis balls. He pulled one out, set the container back in the bag, and walked over to a wall. For the next hour or so he practiced, hitting the tennis ball against the wall and letting his brain slowly go numb from the repetitive sound.

But his peace was interrupted suddenly, and the air got thin. Charles whipped around and felt his heart stop.

He had gotten so far in this game, and was now a tennis champion in the United States. Charles planned on getting even farther too. He wanted to be the best in the world. But there was one other person in the United States that he had to get past, and he didn’t think he would be seeing him until Nationals.

Thomas Jefferson. A rich, pretentious fucking bitch. Some asshole who did tennis ever since he was in middle school and had a natural talent for it. Charles had admired him when growing up, but had then slowly realized that if he was going to succeed in this game, he would have to drag him into the ground. Lee stopped bouncing the tennis ball and shot the other man a glare. Jefferson smirked and walked over to the bench. He set down his water and his bag, taking off his jacket and folding it neatly. It was a dark magenta color, his signature color.

He spoke, “I didn’t think a runt of the litter tennis player like you would be up this early in the morning.” Charles rolled his eyes and walked over, crossing his arms.

“Yeah, well I didn’t think pretentious bitches like you could afford to lose so much beauty sleep.” Charles snapped.

“Um excuse you,” Jefferson scoffed, “I get plenty of beauty sleep. Have you seen this hair? These eyes? This smile?”

“Yes,” Charles sighed, “To which I say again, I didn’t know an ugly bitch like you could afford to lose beauty sleep. You’ll need all the beauty you can get so then at least you’ll look pretty when I mop the floor with your sorry ass.” Thomas huffed and took his sweats off. Charles took note of the fact that Thomas shaved his legs. That seemed odd to him for some reason, even though he shaved his legs as well. He was self conscious about them for some reason.

Thomas snapped, “Just don’t get in my way while I practice, ratchet ass thot.” Charles eyes went wide and he huffed. He was about to march over and slap the five o'clock shadow off of the southerner, but he felt the tennis ball in his hand. He couldn’t afford publicity like that, not before nationals.

Charles picked up his racket and continued practicing against the wall, trying to ignore Jefferson’s humming. But the sounds couldn’t stop interfering with each other, and Lee could feel himself losing his patience. Finally, after a few more minutes of listening to the noise around him, he snapped, “You aren’t going to win you know. We both know who’s really going to make it to the world tour.”

Thomas sighed and shook his head. “Can we both just practice in silence, and besides, White people don’t have to win and dominate at every single goddamn thing.” Lee stopped, mid hit of the tennis ball. It went past him, bouncing across the court and then rolling to a stop. Charles stared at the wall in confusion, like he had no idea what just happened within the past five minutes.

Lee slowly straightened his back and muttered, “Do you seriously think I’m white?” Thomas caught his bright pink tennis ball and smirked.

“Uh, you look pretty white to me, buddy.” He snickered, tossing it at the wall again. Charles slowly walked to the other side of the court and picked up his tennis ball.

He suddenly shouted, “I’m colombian, you fucking dumbass! God you are so fucking dense you stupid, pretentious fucking prick! How can a human being even be this retarded!” Thomas stood where he was, still practicing, and laughing his ass off. Seeing his opponent get this pissed off was his goal, and now he could start phase two of his pre game plan.

“Alright, tell you what, shorty. I’ll apologize if you beat me in a game of tennis.” Thomas bribed, catching his tennis ball once again and letting it drop to the ground. He walked over to Charles and put a hand out. “Promise.” Charles glared up at him and spit in his hand before shaking Thomas’s. Jefferson cringed and gagged dramatically.

“Promise.” Charles snapped before pulling his hand away and walking to the other end of the court with his racket. “Is that what you look like when you’re choking on your daddy’s cock, mother fucker?” Thomas rolled his eyes.

He answered politely, “I am currently single.” Charles laughed.

“Not surprised,” He teased before hitting the tennis ball and sending it to Thomas’ side at almost lightning speed. Jefferson reacted quickly, hitting it back in almost a perfect hit. They went back and forth like this, suddenly in full focus at the game and their banter ending in silence. Lee was thankful he got the last word before their game started. But now he had to beat him through action, not through word. Charles understood this well, and made sure to hit Jefferson withe everything he had,

Jefferson on the other hand had a different strategy. He went easy on Charles, only giving half of what he could really do. But he still gave enough effort that Lee wasn’t beating him. He saw that Charles was loosening up, letting his guard down at seeing how easy Jefferson was to go against. And right when the perfect moment came, Jefferson striked.

He slammed the racket against the ball, sending it flying in a perfect hit, Charles didn’t have enough time to hit it and it missed, ruining the shot. Thomas got one point. He was winning. Charles growled, feeling his anger rise and his blood boil. Jefferson did this over and over until him and Lee were in a tie. The next point would be given to the winner of the game, and Lee was playing like his life depended on it.

Jefferson hit the ball, not even a striking move. He was still going through the easy part of his strategy, not even working a lot to beat Charles at this point in time. But somehow, Lee didn’t hit it in time. It didn’t hit the racket, just by a few inches. Lee’s eyes widened as he hit the ground, skinning his arm on the rough hard black top of the tennis court. Jefferson drooped and put his hands on his knees, panting with exhaustion laced in every breath.

Thomas managed to get out, “Damn! You’re pretty good for some white, trash talking, troll huh! I’m surprised you even l-lasted that long!” Lee was on his hands and knees, staring at the ground beneath him in disbelief, there was a bit of blood on the ground where his arm had skid across it. He could feel the stinging sensation on his arm, and knew that he would need to get it bandaged and disinfected later. He could hear his opponent, the winner, talking and laughing to himself about his win.

It struck Lee very subtly, but somehow not subtle at all, that he lost. He had just lost a match against Thomas Jefferson, his arch rival. And if he lost this match because he got angry and stupid, who was to say the same thing wouldn’t happen next time? Charles felt that feeling, That god awful feeling that you got when everything crashed and burned and flooded and died.

His brain went haywire, seeming to turn into a hurricane of racing thoughts. His heart ached, and fear and hopelessness seemed to start drifting into his veins and his lungs. His bones felt weak. His body was sore. Charles felt a sob escaped him as he slowly got off the ground and stood up, holding his arm in pain.

Thomas’ ears picked up the sob like a mother to her young. He frowned at the sight of his opponent and rushed over after grabbing a towel from his bag. Charles was numb and out of mind, not even paying attention to the man in front of him. Thomas began dabbing at the blood, wiping it away with the towel. Charles felt hot tears roll down his cheek and drip silently to the ground. He sobbed again, blinking and letting more tears fall.

“Hey, come on, it’s okay. You sensitive to pain or something like that?” Thomas asked softly, using the clean end of the towel to wipe Lee’s tears away. Charles didn’t answer and just sobbed harder. His thoughts only seemed to go by faster, clouding any sense of proper thought structure he had. His hands were shaking so much and he felt like he was going to collapse. Charles suddenly couldn’t remember the last time he lost a match….

He had never lost a match before... With anybody... 

Charles felt like he couldn’t breath. Thomas asked quietly, “Are you having a panic attack? Can I use your phone to call somebody close to you?” He led Charles to the bench and sat him down, carefully walking to the opponent’s bag. Lee could only hear the ringing in his ears and his heart beating, but Thomas’ voice was there too, soft and sweet to his ears. Jefferson found Lee’s phone in Lee’s bag only for there to be a password. He sighed and walked back over to Lee. he sat next to him and faced him.

“I’m gonna stay here until you’re okay, alright? You may be my enemy after today, but right now you’re a human being. A colombian human being who kicks ass at tennis and might just win the nationals in a few days. You were so amazing on the court, dude. You listening?” Thomas smiled, moving a few strands of Lee’s hair from his eyes. Slowly but surely, Charles was starting to breath normally again and he could feel his numbness going away. The shards of glass were starting to piece back together in his head, and he could feel his thought slowing down. His heart was being sewed back up, but it would surely be broken again some other day and in a much easier way. His bones got strong again, and the soreness faded away.

Charles mumbled, “Thank you.” Thomas smiled and ruffled his hair.

“It’s alright… I’m Thomas, I think we got off on the wrong side of the court.”

“I’m… I’m Charles. We d-definitely got off on the wrong side of the court.”

Jefferson stood up and picked up a pen from his bag. He took Lee’s hand and scribbled his number on Lee’s wrist and explained, “If you ever feel shitty like this again, call me okay?” He packed up his things and walked to the door, panting a little still from the game. Charles watched Thomas go, nodding a little as he left.

Lee looked around and then at the phone number on his hand. There was a little heart there too, small and cute. Lee blushed and covered his face with both hands.

Feelings were messy for him for the rest of the day, but not the way they were when Thomas Jefferson beat him at tennis.

[happymetalgirl]

April 2020

WELL! I have been gone awhile, very busy, and look what happens when I slow down writing about metal: the world starts to fucking fall apart. But no, in all seriousness. I’m writing this part now at the beginning of June after an already tumultuous April and May, and now I’m just making myself sit down and do this because, well, honestly, it’s been pretty hard to justify spending my time writing about music with all the fuck shit going on right now. (I can’t wait to see what July throws at us.) But again, in all seriousness, I’m not looking for any pity or sympathy for my relatively mild circumstances at all because in all honesty, my white privilege has allowed my life to be pretty okay and proceed mostly uninterrupted in the midst of everything going on.

I’m probably going to repost this part in its own post, but I feel like I have to get this out of the way before I write any more about music. I’ll start by disseminating any ambiguity on what I’ll be talking about in these paragraphs that I am intentionally bolding.

As I write this in the midst of a fucking respiratory virus pandemic, another epidemic (possibly pandemic) of racist police brutality that has always existed in a culture of unhinged toxic masculinity in my increasingly embarrassing country has exploded to unbelievable and disgusting levels against Black people and peaceful protesters in the United States, ironically in wake of protests against fucking police violence, all of which is only emboldened and encouraged by local and federal leadership that is showcasing its oppressive, totalitarian ambitions in its unprecedented attempted revocations of its citizens constitutional and human rights.

I’ll make the necessary side note that this increasingly oligarchical government subservient to the will of military and prison industry has already shown its complete disregard for human rights for decades upon decades now through its violation of human rights through offensive wars and sanctions against other countries and its dehumanization of the refugees and immigrants who its actions create.

If you haven’t already checked out of this from all the political correctness breaching your conservative bubble (good job not being that person), but you’re upset because tHiS iS sUpPoSeD tO bE a MuSiC bLoG, uh, you’re on the wrong website buddy, and the potential tipping point of a long-awaited revolution in the midst of an economic depression, a viral pandemic, and a dual crisis of grotesque police violence and evolutionary transformation of proto-fascism into fascist dictatorship is no time to go about business as usual.

BUT HOLY SHIT, ENOUGH INTRODUCTION AND ENOUGH ABOUT ME! The point of this is to spotlight what to do in the wake of all of this. First of all, I don’t have all the answers and my perspective is as limited as any person’s, so if you’re an expert on any of these matters or if you have insight from having experiences that I as a white cis male have not had, if anything I’m bringing up here could be better in any way, feel absolutely free (but not obligated) to let me know.

Okay, so lots of problems at hand. The big, all-encompassing one facing all of humanity of course is the ecological disruption caused by industrially driven human-catalyzed climate change, and the rot of everything crystallizing at this current moment feeds into exacerbating that catastrophe, the next wide-reaching issue being capitalism, whose prioritization of profit and short-term gains is incredibly ill-equipped to handle a slow emergency like climate change or a more acute emergency like a global pandemic. Here in the U.S. we have a federal government so infested with corporate corruption to maximize capital profits for the country’s most wealthy that they couldn’t even choose the obvious solution of pausing the economy and providing for its people for the duration of the pandemic in the interest of public health over the appallingly quick choice of protecting the financial interests of the corporate “donors” that help them hold their positions of power, at the risk of maybe closing the gap a tiny bit between the truly despicably wealthy and the growing number of hopelessly impoverished. So while the wealthy get protection of their assets from the slow-down of business (you know, ‘cause the pandemic), the people in most need of help because of that slow-down and plunged into spiking unemployment get shit from the people meant to represent them. And that’s just the corporate rot that rears its head as a result of a pandemic!

Even in “normal” times, capitalism in this country has built its foundation on slave labor and justifying the use of slavery through racism (even after it became illegal to outright own people as slaves). That cornerstone of free/cheap labor that this country’s economy is built on whose role was served by slavery was filled by outsourcing to countries with an easily exploitable lower class (whose conditions are often exacerbated by U.S. meddling on behalf of business interests) and prison labor made possible by mass incarceration that has targeted similarly vulnerable people and communities of color through strategic, racially profiled over-policing of minority communities trapped in poverty through historic systemic racism.

The study of that global climate change I mentioned earlier is referred to as a crisis study because there isn’t an unlimited time to do something about it, and the ever-changing conditions and pivotal events of the world effect what needs to be done to combat it (and what it is too late to do). This current crisis of police brutality is one of those types of critical moments, for climate change and social justice. Police brutality didn’t become an issue when George Floyd was murdered on May 25th 2020; it’s been an ugly facet of this multifactedly ugly country for a long time now, but its being brought to light has instigated an uprising the likes of which has not been seen in a long while, and with it, an especially insidious aggression toward it by the increasingly fascist government and its authoritarian figurehead (to the point of threatening institution of martial law and suspending first amendment rights and habeas corpus) that at this point serves only to maintain complacency for the benefit of the ruling class and to the detriment of the disproportionately non-white lower working class (treated as a slave class). Consequently this is a pivotal time that obligates widespread action and ceasing of silence from privileged people like me who have been able to get away with writing about music largely apolitically for years. This is a time when we either plunge unfathomably further into the depths of fascism at the hands of the ruling class and the silence of the less-effected or we consolidate in this moment of broad energizing to both enact substantive change on the critical issue of police brutality and set a precedent and build momentum to achieve justice for LGBTQIA+ folk, other racial minorities and marginalized groups, and make the critical changes need to avoid civilizational dissolution in the face of the imperative to mitigate our impact on global warming.

Speaking of that change and the actions that this moment implores of us all to contribute our energy to: the most immediately critical issue at our feet, to both save human lives from being taken unjustly at the hands of police brutality and to galvanize this revolution to be able to demand further justice and critical social transformation, is ending police brutality. Being an institution born out of rounding up escaped slaves and given the state-supported monopoly on violence that attracts largely those seeking to satiate sadism with the license to that monopolized violence, police culture is inherently toxic and not worth even preserving for the sake of transforming structurally. While abolishing the police is obviously too ambitious of an immediate goal, there are a lot of proposed steps to defunding and largely dismantling the police as a whole. The project Campaign Zero outlines and pushes for ten tangible reforms that would (some of which have recently been proposed in Colorado) decrease police violence, especially in the majority-Black communities that suffer from it the most. The “8 Can’t Wait” proposal that has been making rounds lately is part of Campaign Zero, and donations to these projects are of course, quite helpful and a good start for this blossoming movement. Furthermore, donations to local bail funds is especially important at this time with police making wanton arrests of peaceful protests (and also just random Black people not making any disruption) to support the people going out and protesting. Because this money of course gets siphoned into the courts, and then partially to law enforcement, it’s important to also direct funds to organizations where that money will not later be used against us, but again, keeping people able to protest is of utmost importance, since that it what is driving positive change in this moment.

Also helpful is direct support of the people on the frontlines of these protests. It is a time for privileged people to take action in solidarity and support, but not one for privileged groups to take over or “lead” the movement. Right now, this is about who is hurting the most and who is being oppressed the most, and right now that is Black people, by police, hence BLACK LIVES MATTER. Now is not a time for even underprivileged white people to use these protests’ likelihood of escalating to indulge in venting frustrations against the system by inciting police violence that puts Black people disproportionately in more danger in such situations. Now is the time to use that privilege of being less prone to racism police violence to whatever extent possible to protect the people of color protesting. And again, this isn’t about being white saviors or martyrs, this is about supporting people in the way they wish, so don’t listen to my advice over the insight and requests of what Black people and the Black community have. And by all means, fucking listen to them! Read from them! Engage in good-faith conversation with them (though don’t expect any individual Black person to give you a seminar on racism, there are ample resources that don’t demand someone devoting their precious time to you)! Learn where the limits of your perspective fail you! And for fuck’s sake, don’t just cherry pick the word of one token Black friend that happens to have some class privilege to conveniently discount the testimonies of other Black people!

Lastly, on a personal note to the metalheads that read this blog, I think this is a particularly important time for the metal community, not to center itself, but to bring itself alongside social justice in a more complete way than it has in the past. Former Opeth and current Soen drummer Martín López said last year in an interview published in Blabbermouth that the metal community is very behind the curve on sociopolitical issues, and the response to his saying that from the metal community that floods Blabbermouth comment sections basically just made the case for the exact point he was making. And it’s a shame because I think such a huge part of metal is about standing up to injustice as part of or in support of the oppressed, or at least such a huge part of the metal I gravitate toward is. Without sounding too spiritual or cheesy because I’m not a really spiritual person, I feel like when I see the injustice going on, I feel that spirit of metal in all of it on the side of the oppressed. I feel like all the grindcore and deathcore and thrash and death metal I’ve been binging lately is in the spirit of the protesters standing up to and, when they have to, fighting back against the unjustified aggression of the police, and looking back at old, certified classic albums like ...And Justice for All, Toxicity, and Chaos A.D. and more recent albums like Machine Head’s The Blackening, and Thy Art Is Murder’s Human Target, and Venom Prison’s Samsara, it’s always been about standing up to this kind of bullshit. So I think if there ever was a time since Sabbath birthed it for metal to prove that it’s as important as it makes itself out to be and as important as it is to everyone who listens to it in such a way that they read an obscure blog about it, now is that time to show that it’s not just about being an angry white guy. Now is the time to make Martín López happy by proving him wrong.

Well, in typical Happymetalboy fashion, I can’t seem to make anything brief. So, with that said, let’s talk about the metal music that came out in the good ol’ days of April 2020. Wow. 

Well, April was a pretty big month. Lots of albums coming out, the whole music industry still the throes of the pandemic, it’s a damn shame we got what might be the best album I’ve ever reviewed on this blog in the midst of all this soul-crushing stagnance and financial despair in the music world. I mean, I’m certainly very glad to be getting such a great album among other great albums at a time when music is definitely helping me to keep going as well. It just sucks knowing these artists aren’t going to be able to tour in celebration of their great artistic achievements, and the first one on this list definitely deserves to celebrate.

Oranssi Pazuzu - Mestarin Kynsi

I already reviewed the Finnish band’s fifth full-length in great detail, which I highly suggest checking out because I wrote a lot about that album and I wrote it quite enthusiastically. It feels weird in a way to make the rest of the albums on this list follow my recount of an album that I already detailed in great length to be one of the best albums I have heard in years, quite possibly the best album I’ve reviewed in this blog’s existence, but I have to make sure that it doesn’t get lost at the end of this undoubtedly long-ass post. Anyway, Oranssi Pazuzu have fucking outdone themselves on this one and in many ways, black metal in general. The band have been building their synthy, psychedelic sound for over a decade now, but Mestarin Kynsi is the crystallization of everything the band has been working toward, which I think last year’s Waste of Space Orchestra collaboration played a big part in catalyzing. The album is so immersive and in so many ways feels like it has a soul of its own, made possible by the band’s absolute chemistry and dedication to ego-lessly channeling this album’s transcendent ethos as a team rather than elevating themselves individually, and what they conjure on here is such a leap up from their already heady psychedelic black metal and out of this fucking world. Mestarin Kynsi is the kind of terrifying, yet transfixing light that pulls you in even as you know of its malevolence, because it is just too goddamn beautiful and compelling to resist. The score should be such a big deal, but I know that any time this kind of score is thrown out there it prompts all sorts of distracting question regarding the flaws of the album, but I stand by my original score. I love this album, and I don’t see anything about it that makes me think it’s any less.

10/10

Okay, now on to the unfortunate rest of April’s releases that had to follow this up.

Testament - Titans of Creation

Testament rode a pretty vibrant comeback wave with Chuck Billy’s beating cancer on 2008’s The Formation of Damnation and 2012’s Dark Roots of the Earth, but that hot steak came to an end on the rather droll effort they put out in 2016, Brotherhood of the Snake. Back when concerts were a thing, I caught them when they opened up for the rest of the stacked lineup of Slayer’s farewell tour; they put on a great show, and I was reminded of what made them, still, such a prominent force in thrash, hopeful for a rejuvenation on whatever record came next. And as much as I wish I liked this new album of theirs more, I just can’t get into it all that much for so many of the same reasons I couldn’t get into its predecessor. I’d say it has much brighter moments, but it suffers from much of the same recycling of thrash compositional tropes (with not enough elaboration) that Brotherhood of the Snake did. It’s the kind of album that at first listen will seem flavorful and engaging, but it loses it pretty quickly like a snack that isn’t that filling or easy to keep eating due to it’s overwhelming taste, despite its empty calories.

5/10

Abysmal Dawn - Phylogenesis

After six years during which I had thought they might have disbanded or been dropped from Relapse Records, Abysmal Dawn return from the shadows on Season of Mist with the tight, concise brand of modestly technical modern death metal that made them such a sell in the first place on their fifth record, Phylogenesis. Not deviating at all from what they know they do well, Abysmal Dawn stick to a direct death metal attack with no bells and whistles, relying on their speed and agility to guide them, and their strengths serve them well as they manage to highlight what makes death metal so appealing at its core.

8/10

WVRM - Colony Collapse

While not listening to Oranssi Pazuzu or straight-up depressive shit, I have had a massive hankering for filthy grindcore that has been graciously satiated in part by WVRM’s Colony Collapse. Airing heavily on the hardcore side of the genre, incorporating some slower slamming grooves and deep, dirty gutteral vocals into their otherwise true-to-the-genre grindcore, WVRM do indeed put forth a more intense slab of grindcore than your usual twenty-something minute LP, which is made possible largely by the dynamic that they inject with their willingness to incorporate so much tasty, hardcore riffage and nasty sludge.

7/10

Red - Declaration

After what I’ve now come to see as their worst album, 2017′s Gone, Red immediately bounce back onto the positive trajectory that Of Beauty and Rage set them on and back to the symphonic 2000′s alternative metal that they built their early reputation on, with their shortest, possibly most direct album to date, comprised of just ten tight tracks that focus their cathartic brand of alternative metal into surprisingly dense packages that undoubtedly include some of the best of the band’s whole career, like “All for You”, “The Evening Hate”, and the especially cathartic “The War We Made”. I can only hope every band that has stumbled so hard lately can pick themselves back up as quickly and convincingly as Red has on their aptly named seventh LP here.

8/10

August Burns Red - Guardians

I have to say, despite being a pretty standard slab of melodic 2010’s metalcore, this album has kind of grown on me a bit in the past few weeks of listening to it. The album shows that the band are doing well to keep an eye on what’s going on in metalcore, stylistically spanning old and new pretty well. And while we sometimes get cheesy Hot Topic melodicism on songs like “Lighthouse”, other tracks encapsulate old and new in the space of a single song with respectable tact. The track “Defender” for example features two metalcore breakdowns, the first of which is generic as fuck from the 2000’s, but the second is distinctly more creative and forward-thinking, showing that the band are aware of the genre’s evolution and their trajectory alongside it. I also have to point out the highlight “Dismembered Memory” is in the track list with its emotive, Gothenburg-style guitar melody mixed with some distinct Architects-inspired vocal melodies. The closing track, “Three Fountains”, also ends the album on a strong note with its powerful melodic vocals in particular. Again, most of this project is pretty unsurprising metalcore, but the band at least shows some sense of awareness of how to progress their sound, and the strength of the highlights here makes the album worth at least checking out to find them.

6/10

Benighted - Obscene Repressed

While it is a well-performed, well-produced offering, Obscene Repressed is little more than a competent modern horror/brutal death metal album whose campiness in its shots for grotesqueness and creepiness can actually end up working against it. It’s a fun enough death metal album for while it’s on with some impressive flashes of percussion in particular, but it’s memorable mostly for its goofy moments and much less for its songwriting.

6/10

Aborted - La Grande Mascarade

Well, three more songs of relentless modern brutal death metal from Aborted is surely hard to get worked up about, and that goes in the positive and negative direction. On the EP’s three tracks, the band basically just goes through the motions in a way that makes me question what the point of putting these tracks out on this EP as opposed to keeping them for the next album (and potentially grooming them further) was. I mean, I can’t complain too much, the band are solid on these cuts in all the ways we come to expect them to be, but what makes these songs unfit for the next album or really demands they be released on this EP?

6/10

Nine Inch Nails - Ghosts V: Together & Ghosts VI: Locusts

I don’t want to knock Nine Inch Nails’ more ambient works, as I do think Trent Reznor has proven he has the chops to thrive in dark ambiance, but I just couldn’t get too excited about this watered down three hours worth of dark ambiance that he put out this year. It certainly works on the baseline level that all dark ambient music operates on an generally seeks to achieve, but it really doesn’t go above and beyond anywhere and it just kind of settles for the passing grade. At the most charitable, both are the kinds of ambient albums that exist solely to provide an eerie, droning sonic background with a few notable shifts coming from song to song, but that’s not enough to get me excited for either of them.

5/10 & 6/10

The Black Dahlia Murder - Verminous

I have to say, I’ve kind of softened in my earlier perception The Black Dahlia Murder being overrated, and Verminous is an album that really helps their case. Its name is pretty apt for the band’s blackened style of melodeath in general, but the dynamic between their delicious melodic side and their muscularly heavy side on Verminous is quite possibly at its most comprehensively displayed. I know that the band’s fans don’t really see them as having any misses in their catalog, though there seems to be some consistent favoritism toward Nocturnal, but I would wager that Verminous has captured their composition at its most advanced and their sound its most savory.

8/10

MASTER BOOT RECORD - Floppy Disk Overdrive

I’ve not been keeping up too closely with the prolific MASTER BOOT RECORD project, but I do regret missing and not covering the dynamic Internet Protocol EP that was released last year. Floppy Disk Overdrive, aptly named, is a bit more of the usual overload of synthetically instrumental, chiptune-seasoned death metal that keeps me from getting too excited about new MASTER BOOT RECORD releases. Once again, the focus is on solid production of the instruments and minor tricks with the sonic aesthetic, but composition again seems to fall by the wayside, and there isn’t enough intriguing stylistic diversity to make up for it.

5/10

Caustic Wound - Death Posture

More delicious, nasty grindcore to ravage my ears with in between listens to Oranssi Pazuzu and Okkervil River. The debut album by the Seattle-based supergroup of sorts is as pummeling as I would expect given the pedigree of the members involved. Death Posture is nasty, gutteral, and relentless in all the ways anyone could want their grindcore to be. The monstrously bellowing growls in particular make me feel like I’m listening to Primitive Man playing grindcore (which is a good thing). While I have been in quite the grindcore binge lately, Death Posture is more than just your standard, straight-line-through grindcore record, taking an old-school death metal knack for dynamic accents, tasty isolated bass lines, bursts of speed, bursts of thickened walls of sound, and wailing solos. It sounds sort of like if Morbid Angel was directing Primitive Man’s deathgrind adventure, also a good thing. I definitely love this one, probably my favorite grindcore album so far this year.

8/10

Khemmis - Doomed Heavy Metal

While we (if not just I) eagerly await the Colorado act’s forthcoming Nuclear Blast debut (and follow-up to 2018′s perfect Desolation), the band offers a little compilation EP to hold us over until then. Of the six tracks, only the first is new material (and it’s a cover song), two are songs from previous non-album releases, and the other three are live tracks. The band’s cover of Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark” transposes the iconic keyboard part onto guitar in classic Khemmis fashion, and the vocal and guitar harmonies give the already inspiring song a new sense of melancholic triumph that I have come to love so much from Khemmis. It’s definitely worth checking out for the fresh take it offers to the Dio classic. As for the rest of the EP, the one-off single “Empty Throne” feels rather B-side-level by the band’s lofty standards, as does their odd, but enjoyable melodic doom rendition of the folk tune “A Conversation with Death”. The sampling of live cuts gets one great song from each of the band’s previous LPs, and the band sounds pretty true to their studio form for the most part, the vocals on “Bloodletting” being noticeably rough though.

Compilation in the Dark/10

Me and That Man - New Man, New Songs, Same Shit, Vol. 1

The second album from Nergal’s folky satanic rock side project comes with a pretty star-studded line-up, and honestly it’s a pretty fun time and I don’t have many complaints about the concise, catchy tunes that Nergal and company are churning out. “Run with the Devil” is a brilliantly composed opener, “Burning Churches” is a catchy-as-fuck pub-type tune, and guests Ihsahn, Corey Taylor, and especially Matt Heafy showcase the versatility of their vocal styles on their respective features. It’s more a fun heresy-laden time explicitly not overthought than the usual heady blackened death metal that Behemoth pedals.

7/10

Medico Peste - ב :The Black Bile

Taking very apparent cues from black metal’s (and experimental metal’s) more esoteric figures like Deathspell Omega and even Tool, Medico Peste comes through with an at least very aesthetically intriguing listen, even if some of the compositions run kind of long without enough in the way of substantive musical ideas to last quite as long as they’re intended to. While the influences the band wears on their sleeve are at least quite respectably sonically pervasive, it can get occasionally uncanny. The main riff of “All Too Human” sounds like it could have come straight from the Ænema recording sessions, and “Numinous Catastrophe” even sounds like it pulls from Oranssi Pazuzu. But despite the influences on its sleeves, ב :The Black Bile is unique and diverse enough as a whole to sustain an exciting listen and one that I have enjoyed returning to.

7/10

Omega Infinity - Solar Spectre

I had not heard of Omega Infinity until this album, and out of the gate it really sounded like some cliché ambient black metal, but as the album unfolds, it really does reveal itself to be so much more than that. Hard to capture in a single word, the cosmos-themed album definitely captures the wide, chilling vastness of space through instrumental and compositional techniques that provide a fittingly alien, but not explicitly sci-fi, twist on the usual elements of ambient black metal, and it works wonderfully. 

8/10

Black Curse - Endless Wound

I heard a good bit of hype over this project, but I’m honestly having a hard time hearing what’s supposed to be such a big deal. We’ve got some solid performances and the occasional compositional flash of brilliance, but for the most part, Endless Wound is very standard blackened death metal with meek ambitions. Like don’t get me wrong, it’s not awful, and I don’t hate it. It just doesn’t depart nearly enough from the beaten, and crowded, path or really stand above the crowd on that path enough to get me excited. I kind of wish the band would delve more into the slower, sludgier, more savory sections of they dip their toes in, like that of “Enraptured by Decay” and the more eccentric takes on black metal dark ritualism on “Seared Eyes”. But until they really commit more to things they can do to get their head above the death metal crowd, it’s going to be hard to get excited about another Black Curse project in the near future.

5/10

Vermicide Violence - The Praxis of Prophylaxis

It was only a matter of time until the pandemic delivered unto us an at least partially coronavirus-themed medical deathcore album, which I am of course not complaining about the obnoxious, ridiculous prospect of. There is a lot of silly, gimmicky deathcore (and metal in general) out there that is pretty superficial, but also plenty that makes a lot of great use of whatever gimmick it’s applying. In this case, the natural grotesquery (if that’s a word) of medical practice does give Vermicide Violence just that little bit of extra tangibility and realness to the nasty deathcore they’re pedaling. From breakdown lines of “vaccinate your fucking kids” and “you only hear once so just buy fucking plugs” (a twist on Suicide Silence’s “You Only Live Once”) to songs about asthmatic asphyxiation, coronavirus infection, West Nile virus, and breast cancer, it’s at the very least somewhat lyrically fresh and fun for any medical metalheads to have a good time nerding out with.

6/10

Vatican Falling - WAR

So I found out about Vatican Falling through the deathcoredads meme page, don’t judge me, but I’m glad I did, because this album, WAR, is some deliciously disgusting deathcore with lots of different flavors. They’re not exactly pushing any boundaries for the genre, but WAR certainly does branch out into melodic territory more boldly and successfully than your average deathcore album, and with good results. It has its low points where some of the experimentation doesn’t work, like the annoyingly repetitive clean vocal sample on the title track, but for the most part, the band’s use of more tangible, cleaner melodies goes over well and supplements the music nicely with a sense of raised stakes. If anything, I wish they did more in that vein because the band’s deathcore grooves at the core aren’t as above average on their own. That being said, songs like “King of Vermin” and “Kill All Humans” show that the band can really raise their game at the base deathcore front and outcompete their contemporaries if they need to.

6/10

Ulcerate - Stare into Death and Be Still

Stare into Death and Be Still is the sixth album from sonically ambitious New Zealanders, Ulcerate. Continuing to push their brand of atmospheric, blackened technical death metal to further reaches of the unknown, guitarist Michael Hoggard’s fluid, multi-faceted melodic work continues to play a pivotal role in steering the atmospheric tone of the album, while Jamie Saint Merat’s impressive following of the music’s odd time signature shifts boosts the album’s energy with tasteful technicality while simultaneously not being too obnoxiously flashy and showcasing some flavorful technical drumming chops. The guitar work takes on so many different shapes and styles, but probably most often reminds me of the winding angularity of Portal with the primal humanness and ritual catharsis of later/current Behemoth, with some more ambient detours taken here and there that hearken to Isis and even more doom-oriented projects like Bell Witch. The swirling together of influences here is so seamless and immersive, and honestly some of Ulcerate’s best. This is not to discount Paul Kelland’s contributions of emotively harmonious bass lines and consistently bestial, yet also somehow soulful, death metal bellowing to the album’s sound; I think his contributions in particular are what help this album feel meaningful and human and not just like some soulless piece of experimental art with a little too much of its head up its ass. For an hour, this album feels like listening to the best aspects of several different styles of cutting-edge death metal, black metal, and doom metal rolled into one masterful super-album that still manages to strike a dreadful chord all its own. Yeah, this is a pretty damn great album.

9/10

Katatonia - City Burials

Honestly, the vast majority of this album feels like Katatonia going through the motions and just playing it safe, never really committing to any really bold performance or composition moves, just coasting off The Fall of Hearts. It certainly passes by the usual Katatonia rubric, but it certainly won’t be going down as one of the band’s most revered.

5/10

Trivium - What the Dead Men Say

I somehow missed out on the entire first half of this album being released as singles, but I sure caught all the hype surrounding the band’s ninth album leading up to its release and all the preemptive praise it was receiving, and I’m kind of glad I got to experience it as a whole without the experience of the singles because I feel like I can honestly soberly assess it and say that it’s definitely not the masterpiece it’s being hyped up to be. The band definitely have found their groove in the various melodic, proggy, thrashy alternative metal styles they play, but this album really just feels like the band are just feeling themselves, in the sense that they’re kind of playing it safe, but bold enough with what they know they do well to kind of mask that. The band’s ninth album is pretty noticeably a continuation of their eighth, The Sin and the Sentence, which had some of Trivium’s most potent alternative metalcore bangers to date, but also some of their most confusingly tepid compositions on the other side of their spectrum. What the Dead Men Say kind of just maintains the band’s trajectory on their previous album and narrows that range from high to low. The low points, like “Bleed into Me” and (to a lesser extent) “The Catastrophist”, aren’t as low, but the high points aren’t as high, and I don’t think I’ll be returning to the better parts of this album, like “The Defiant”, “Amongst the Shadows and the Stones”, and “Sickness Unto You” as much as I will the plethora of highlights from The Sin and the Sentence. Overall, it kind of just feels like Trivium coasting a bit, but the band is genuinely at that level of evolution in their sound where they have made a lot of gradual refinements over time to get here but haven’t just repeated themselves, so they can kind of get away with it. Even if it’s not my favorite Trivium album, it’s sure a hell of a lot better than anything Trapt has ever released.

7/10

[lullaandby]

sincerely yours. c text

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short. 

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.  

 a  treasure chest of  anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy. 

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone 

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo!  You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation. 

"These guys are no good.

 Nah. Not like how they used to be. 

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior. 

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad. 

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

 Dad. We're done here. 

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold. 

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good  buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net 

there’s a photo of your neighbor, 

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year. 

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys. 

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the  fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts 

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Or 

Corninthians and just put in random numbers. 

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away. 

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese 

Do it out 

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out 

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

 they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

*

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas  for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set. 

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything 

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential. 

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl. 

Who was just one two many break ups deep. 

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny. 

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one. 

*

STORY- ME

*

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE. 

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office 

Keep talking about going to sweet greens 

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are 

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives 

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness. 

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething. 

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

To

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION. 

Repression  in females comes from mis placed  validation 

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS 

Jessica simpson? 

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it 

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane. 

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off. 

MOTHER SHAME. 

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage 

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except 

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack. 

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah. 

Just do it out. Oprah. 

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s  an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family 

Who came before them

As precious moments statues. 

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a  beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load 

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science. 

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS