#if you want to feel sad go talk to my recently disabled sister who Knew what it was like to be Able-bodied and Well

[helianthusaster]

I'm in the process of writing a fic/making a zine/drawing a comic (i havent decided on the medium yet lol) where the Enterprise ends up (for reasons) on a planet full of hybrid people (like romulan/vulcan, human/vulcan, human/klingon, klingon/vulcan, andorian/romulan, etc) and I'm running low on character ideas!

The fic is set in TOS and I know Spock is (technically) the first human/Vulcan hybrid but that doesn't mean he's the Only humanovulcanoid! If you have a hybrid OC reblog this post and I'll draw them and, if you're ok with it, add them into the story! Interspecies couples are welcome too!!!

Also, as someone born with a rare condition (not the same but still) that underwent an experimental procedure I find that the more people I see and meet that are having an easier time living because of the new surgeries developed after my procedure helps tremendously with my mental health and I want to be able to give that to Spock as well cause it Sucks being the only one!!!

Tl:dr, rb this with your hybrid tos ocs and I'll draw them and add them into the story if youre ok with it!!! They can be as "Mary Sue" as you like!!! I want to see them!!!

[lovemesomesurveys]

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? I had spinach in my homemade egg and cheese mcmuffin yesterday. 

What was your last Facebook notification for? Notifying me someone added a photo to a group I’m in.

What bands have you seen live? Several because a few of the concerts I’ve been to featured a few bands, which was cool. I don’t feel like listing them all.

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She wanted to go into the marines, but unfortunately life happened and her plans got put on hold and ultimately never happened. That was her dream. :/

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Uhh. The accident I had at 7 months old that made me a paraplegic and changed my life forever?

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Scary movies. I love ‘em now.

What are your plans later today? Stay in bed most of the day sleeping, watching TV, scrolling through Tumblr, watching YouTube, and checking my social medias. 

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? It’s the weekend and that’s all I’m doing ^^^. 

Who do you talk to the most? My mom.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? I feel old because of how I feel, health wise.

Who is your best guy friend(s)? I don’t have one.

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’d like to be a little tanner.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? I do have some tiny scars on my face and I just let them be. 

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Yes.

Do you think your first love still loves you? He never did.

What is something that is “going right” in your life? I’ve been going through a really hard time the past month, actually.

When did you feel ready to start dating? I thought I was when I had my first boyfriend at 16, but nope.

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? She’s never bitten me.

Where were you the last time you made out? I think it was in his car. It’s been several years now since then, so I’m not quite sure.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I’m not someone who tends to cry for that reason.

How do you type your sad smileys? :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? Nope.

What was the last soda you drank? I had some Coke to take my medicine earlier. 

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? *shrug*

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a few.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Uh, no.

Who was the last person to hit on you? It’s been a longgg time since that has happened.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? I was supposed to make a phone call yesterday.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Hm.

What do you put on hot dogs? On the very rare occasions I had a hot dog I just put ketchup and mustard.

Ever fallen in the shower? No, thankfully.

Do you think that things will get better? I can’t see that right now. :/

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? No.

What’s your favourite book genre? Murder mysteries and psychological thrillers. 

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? Once. I honestly don’t remember why, though.

Do dogs like you? Yes.

Would you say that you project an air of authority? Ha, no.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Nooo.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) One.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? Nope.

Who do you know that had a baby recently? A few people on my Facebook.

Do you like Usher’s songs? Yeah, I like several of his songs.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Never. I don’t do waterslides. 

Have you ever ridden a train? Nope.

What do you eat your French fries with? Ranch.

Do you have family problems? No family is perfect. 

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Hm. I don��t recall.

How do you like your grilled cheese? Cheesy.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? The only thing I cook is ramen, which isn’t challenging at all. I’m so not a cook. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? I lovedddd playing Barbies.

Have you ever been close to drowning? No, but that’s a fear of mine since I can’t swim so even with floaties or an inner tube I don’t feel safe.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Many times.

Do you like doing housework? No.

Would you ever get implants? No.

Do you own a robe? Nope. I have a Snuggie, though.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? No, I just eat the top layer of dough on the pizza. 

What was the last song you listened to? I don’t remember.

Have any of your family members been to jail? No one in my immediate family, but some extended family members have.

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Not anymore.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? Not exactly.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? I’m sure my accident had a big impact.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yes.

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? Noo. Back then I wanted to be a teacher, but that changed when I got to like middle school.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I have a list of new shows I want to check out, but I have yet to get around to. Oh, I did start this new show on Freeform called “Cruel Summer” that just started last week, though.

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I can’t due to my physical disability.

What is your favorite Queen song? I like Bohemian Rhapsody, Under Pressure, We Will Rock You/We are the Champions, and Another One Bites the Dust.

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I’ve never had to.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? You could say that.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? Nope. Never had a reason to.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? The past few years. Now.

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? I loved going to Starbucks and then wandering around bookstores with Ty.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? There’s several, like the big ones I’m really excited about and into such as the Marvel movies.

What is the reason you’re still alive? My family.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? No.

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Not usually.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) Maaaybe.

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Yes, I’ve been told that. I think they did feel that way at the time.

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I always wake up feeling shitty.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Yes.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Well yeah, it’s not something you just say in the romantic sense. I love my family and tell them so.

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah. I have a physical disability.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I’m a virgin.

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Red.

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My mom.

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? I try to at least.

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? I’ve Googled things that led me to Reddit, but I don’t go on there specifically.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? Nope.

Are your parents in good health? Fortunately, yes.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? Nope. I’m the one who has the caregiver.

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? Well, I can’t take pills unless I can crush them.

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? My pajamas are also what I wear during the day, which are leggings and graphic tees. 

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? I have a Michael Myers throw pillow, a couple other Halloween (the holiday) themed ones with skeletons and stuff on ‘em that I’ve had up since last Halloween, a Star Wars one, and a body pillow with giraffe print.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My back, stomach, neck.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Spiders, but I’m afraid of both. I’m afraid of ALL bugs.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? No.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Various topics in history are interesting to me.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #352

my head’s a mess and a half, i can’t think of lyrics to put here so yeah here’s the survey

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Uh I think it was a pepper in this Healthy Choice dinner bowl I had yesterday. What was your last Facebook notification for? A friend liking this photo I shared of some beautiful, small rock and pebble sculptures of people. What bands have you seen live? Just Alice Cooper. Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She only has one kidney due to the other being taken out because of kidney cancer when I was a kid. Coincidentally, her father was actually born with only one as well. What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Nothing really comes to mind. What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? SUPER against? I dunno, man. What are your plans later today? I don't know. Yesterday my mother informed me that Jason's mother died, and since then I've been in shock. I was in awful condition yesterday because I absolutely adore(d) her like she was MY family, and once upon a time I thought she would be officially, and I still feel very, very dead. I doubt I'll get anything done today. Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? Definitely not exciting... Mom and possibly I are probably bringing Jason's family food for the family get-together they're having (we're not staying for... obvious reasons), but she's unsure because it might be a bit too awkward. I'll stay in the car because I don't want to disrespect Jason's space, but I REALLY want to go through with this. His mom was so important to me, and I don't want to just... do nothing as if she meant just that. I want the family to know I never stopped caring just because there was a breakup. Plus I wanna give Jason his favorite chocolate bar to try to bring him a bit of happiness. I can't imagine what he's feeling, and my instinct of "I need to protect him" absolutely never went away. Who do you talk to the most? My mom. What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Go to bed before 9PM, sometimes even before 8. And my knees pop like a motherfucker. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt and Sam. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? Neither; instead, I just wish it was clearer. I have extremely dry skin, especially on my arms, so I have little bumps and marks there, as well as little freckles over my body. Having like, porcelain skin would be amaaaazing. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it. Look more badass, haha. Have you had an x-ray in the past year? I think so, on my legs. It may have been over a year ago, idr. Do you think your first love still loves you? I don't want to know. I really don't. What is something that is “going right” in your life? *blinks* When did you feel ready to start dating? Seriously, probably late middle school. When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? My snake Venus has never bitten me. Meanwhile, my cat Roman lightly (and sometimes not so lightly...) bites me pretty much every day when I play with him, lol. Where were you the last time you made out? My bed. When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I probably haven't done that since I met Sara irl. How do you type your sad smileys? One of these three: :( or :c or :< Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No. What was the last soda you drank? Mountain Lightning, a Mtn. Dew ripoff bc we're cheap, lol. What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I don't know. Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a cyst removal as well as tubes in my ears. Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Uh no????? Who was the last person to hit on you? That I'm actually aware of, Sara. I'm quite sure nobody has since. What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? I was too weak to even clean the litterbox last night. I just wanted to go to bed. I need to do it today. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Hm. Maybe that I didn't love Joel? It was just really awkward and I felt awful about the whole situation. What do you put on hot dogs? Ketchup and mustard. Ever fallen in the shower? I've fallen OUT of the shower. I was extremely dizzy and was trying to get out, and I just passed out onto my chin. Broke some molars and got a concussion. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever called someone you care about? Probably a bitch or something. Do you think that things will get better? I sure hope so. Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? I guess I kinda have. My WoW friend Lisa and I were talking, and she wasn't feeling well at all when she suddenly disappeared. Coincidentally, her husband got home RIGHT when I messaged her again, wanting to check up on her, and he heard the alert so checked it out. Lisa was knocked out on the couch having some medical emergency with a name I can't remember, and he just thought she was sleeping. Because of seeing the chat, he took her to the hospital when she probably would've died otherwise. She insists I saved her. What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy. Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No. Do dogs like you? They definitely seem to. Animals in general honestly do. Would you say that you project an air of authority? Definitely not. Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? No. I've always wanted to, but I was too scared at any opportunity. Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) I just use one. I dry my hair first, then my body. Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No, but I did see one of them from a plane when I was flying to Sara's. Who do you know that had a baby recently? My high school friend had her daughter Persephone literally a couple days ago. Cute little thing. Do you like Usher’s songs? Oh wow, what a blast from the past. I don't even recall the names of any, but I remember I enjoyed some as a kid. When was the last time you went to a waterpark? Wow, it has been YEARS. Like, not since I was a teen. Have you ever ridden a train? No. What do you eat your French fries with? Ketchup, sometimes. Do you have family problems? Not really. What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Bread, I think. How do you like your grilled cheese? Just a normal 'ole grilled cheese. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I don’t cook. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video games. Have you ever been close to drowning? Yikes, no. Have you ever had a panic attack? Countless. Do you like doing housework? No, who does? Would you ever get implants? Nah. Do you own a robe? No. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I don't trust people who don't eat pizza crust. What was the last song you listened to? "The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance. It's making me cry, but I really need to. Have any of your family members been to jail? No. None that I know of, anyway. Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? An old friend, yes. Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No. What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? My mental illnesses as a whole. Have you ever had any teeth pulled? No. Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? No, but only because it's not realistic. I don't want to travel. What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I don't care about TV 'til MM resumes, and then absolutely whenever The Edge of Sleep is released. Mark is a key actor in it. How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I couldn’t be. What is your favorite Queen song? Ha, I'm aware this is probably everyone's answer, but "Bohemian Rhapsody" is the bop of all bops. Do you know how to use any foreign currency? No. Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? BEEN kissed, yeah. By Juan. Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No. When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Now. What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? It was a group date where we went to this big arcade one night. What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? None. What is the reason you’re still alive? That's a big answer that I'm not in the mood to ramble about. Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yeah, oops. Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? No. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) HAHA this was the only lucid dream I've ever had lmfao. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? I don't remember. How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Like shit. "Virginia's still dead" just bitchslapped me. Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Well yeah. Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes, because I really did. Have you ever been threatened before? Yes. Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah. Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? Probably. The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Red. Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My mom. Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? What income? Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? No. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. Are your parents in good health? Not especially. They're both probably unhealthier than the average person. Dad smokes way too much to be healthy, and Mom has a plethora of issues. Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No; it sounds awful, but I'm very doubtful I could be because I canNOT clean another human being. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No. Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? They're black Pokemon pants with Pikachu jumping by the logo. Do you have any interesting pillow cases? No. If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My knees. Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Both, but situationally. Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? Only once for prom. They were maroon, like my dress. Wait... or maybe I didn't wear them? Fuck, idr. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American history is way more fascinating to me.

[echo-bleu]

You always address Alex’s disability so thoughtfully in your writing. “I wish you’d write a fic where...” Michael thinks Alex is blowing him off, but he’s actually at a medical appointment for his leg.

Thank you!! This is a great prompt, I loved writing it. I set out to write maybe 500 words, but as usual that’s not what happened. I hope you like it!

Wordcount: 2322

Also on AO3

Lunch at the Crashdown? Michael types out while getting ready for his day. It's Saturday, so Alex should be off work and they can finally have that date they've been planning. Michael wanted it to be yesterday night, but Isobel dragged him with her to the Wild Pony instead. She keeps doing that, to the point that Michael is starting to suspect his sister isn't going to that bar for the beer.

Not today, sorry, Alex answers after a few minutes.

Michael frowns. He and Alex have been going out for a couple of months now, in that weird limbo between friendly outings and dates where they stay in public to keep themselves accountable. It precludes anything but the chastest kisses, and then only when Alex doesn't freak out at being out in a homophobic town, but it has made them actually talk rather than fall in bed at the first occasion, so they've agreed to keep going.

But this is the third Saturday in a row that Alex has blown him off without an explanation. Michael doesn't understand. He doesn't often have his Saturdays free, since five days a week don't quite bring him the income he needs to keep up with his recently extended social life. But he's been picking up restoration jobs around town that pay much better than car-tweaking recently, so it's allowed him to take his weekends off.

And Alex doesn't want to have lunch with him.

Okay, he answers simply, sadness pinching at his chest. He doesn't bother to offer another option. Alex is allowed not to want to spend time with him, he supposes, and he'll see him tomorrow at Isobel's anyway.

He drags himself to his car instead, deciding that since he doesn't have a lunch date, he might as well do something useful with himself. He picks up some groceries at the store, then heads to the hospital, where he and Liz have been working at her lab since it was rebuilt.

Liz briefly looks up from her microscope to smile at him when he walks in.

“Hi Mickey! What are you doing here on a Sunday?”

“I could return the question,” Michael says.

“I didn't really have anything else to do,” Liz shrugs. She's been working a lot, both for her actual paying job and on their side projects. Max's resurrection, it turns out, is not an overnight thing, even once they figured out how to restart his heart. He needs to rebuild the huge amount of energy that he lost, and that means he's still in a coma, hooked up to machines Alex bought off the Internet and Valenti set up in his house. So, coupled with Rosa leaving town, Michael gets why Liz uses work to take her mind off things.

“I think Alex blew me off again,” he says.

“Alex? I just saw him,” Liz frowns, her eyes still on her microscope.

“Here?”

“Yeah, he had a gap between appointments, so he came to say hello.”

“Appointments?” Michael stops in the middle of setting up his station in surprise.

“Hm. PT or something. You wanted to see him?”

“I wanted to have lunch with him.”

“Alex never does Saturday lunches,” Liz says absently. “The last time he did, we spent the afternoon with Maria and Mimi and he was so exhausted I had to drive him home before we made it to dinner. That's why Isobel settled for Sunday brunches even though Kyle has to bail off every other week. I thought everyone knew that.”

At Michael's silence, she finally looks up. “Wait, you really thought Alex just brushed you off?”

Michael nods wordlessly. He feels like an asshole, suddenly. But then, Alex didn't tell him.

“Wow. Um, I feel like I shouldn't have just told you all this.” Liz bites her lip. “You didn't know?”

“It's okay,” Michael says, his heart in his throat.

“Alex doesn't like talking about this, but I don't understand why he didn't at least tell you−”

“It's okay, Liz,” Michael repeats. “I...I didn't ask. We haven't really talked about this stuff.”

“Well maybe you should. He could use another friend. Someone more available than me or Maria.”

Michael just nods and gets to work. Liz's words have triggered a hurricane in his head, and he needs to quiet it down. He longs for a guitar, but working is the next best thing. How has he missed so much of Alex's life? Even Isobel seems to know more about him than Michael, and yet he hadn't even noticed that Alex isn't really letting him in.

Grand declarations of love and epic sex are not the same as actual communication, but Michael thought they were finally getting there. After the mess with Maria−a fling that ended after just one kiss when Max died, but still hurt them all more than Michael ever wanted it to−it's taken him months to gain Alex's trust back, but he thought that was behind them now, that they were working on building a solid relationship. But how much is Alex still holding back?

They need to talk, Michael realizes. They need to talk before his head manages to spin this into anger and resentment. There could be some innocuous reason why Alex doesn't want to share his Saturdays with him, why he didn't tell him about his medical appointments.

Before he can change his mind, he types a text on his phone. Can we do dinner? I can come over with Crashdown burgers. They haven't done this yet, eaten at each other's place rather than a neutral public space, but maybe it's time. Michael can easily imagine that Alex doesn't want to spill out medical details in a crowded bar.

Alex doesn't answer for another two hours. Michael forces himself to work rather than spin out, until Liz drags him with her to have lunch with her father. Michael feels bad for imposing on their time together, but Arturo must feel how much he needs a distraction as well as his daughter, because he treats Michael to a mountain of food and a dozen different anecdotes about Liz's childhood.

Okay. I have beers. Michael stares at his phone for a moment, lost in thoughts, then sends a thumb-up emoji back.

“That Alex?” Liz asks kindly. She knows what's on his mind, of course she does. She and Michael have grown pretty close in nearly six months of working together in the lab and holding each other up after Max died.

“Yeah. I'm meeting him for dinner.”

“Good. You want to visit with Max until then? I've been trying to read to him in hope that it will wake him up, but it's a bit lonely.”

“Sure,” Michael accepts. It will give him something to do, at least. And he can't imagine what it's like for Liz, who has moved into Max's house to be able to look over him. She needs all the company she can get.

Max seems a little more responsive than two days ago when Michael last swung by. Valenti was able to wean him off the ventilator over a week ago, and he opens his eyes more and more often, though he can't yet talk. It's going in the right direction, at least.

A little before six, allowing for the drive to Alex's cabin, Michael goes back to the Crashdown to pick up the order he gave Arturo. He tries not to let his mind wander too much on the way, because he doesn't want to be angry when he gets to the cabin. He thinks of the positive instead. He's going to see Alex. Even after months, he still marvels that he can just take his car and drive to him, rather than have to imagine him half a world away, maybe in danger, always out of reach.

Alex greets him with a tired smile and, when he steps back to let him in, Michael realizes he's leaning on his crutches. His prosthesis is off, the leg of his sweat pants pinned up, and he's wearing an oversize Star Wars hoodie Michael knows he wouldn't be caught dead with in public.

“Hey. Are you okay?” Michael frowns a little.

“Yeah, just tired,” Alex answers. He drops back on the couch rather than offer his help with dinner, which tells Michael that he must be in pain, too. “Beer's in the fridge.”

“If you need to sleep or something, I don't have to stay,” Michael says, despite his instinct to smother Alex with care.

“No, it's all good. I do need to eat, and I miss you. Bring me water, though, please?”

Michael comes back from the kitchen with a beer for himself and a glass of water for Alex, and starts unloading the Cashdown paper bag on the coffee table, since Alex doesn't seem to want to move from the couch. “I got some milkshakes, I know you like to dip your fries,” he says. “Not that I'll ever agree with that.”

Alex snorts lightly. “Thanks. Sounds nice.”

“Alex, can I ask−”

Alex looks down at his hands. “Yeah. I've been waiting for you to ask for a while, actually.”

“Really? I didn't...I didn't want to intrude, and I figured maybe I was already asking for too much time with you. But I spent the day with Liz, and she said she saw you this morning−”

“No, no, it's not about you, okay? I want to spend time with you,” Alex stops him. “I'm sorry, I should have given a reason.”

“I'm not entitled to your time, even though I tend to forget it,” Michael says. “That's what Liz made me realize.”

Alex watches him for a moment, then nods. Needing something to do with his hands, Michael hands him a burger and arranges the cartons of fries between them. They eat for a while in silence. It's not an easy, natural silence, not quite, but it's not tense, either. Just expectant.

“I have back to back appointments every Saturday morning,” Alex explains. “Shrink, then PT, then the prosthetist every other week. They often run over lunchtime and I'm usually too tired to do anything else for the rest of the day.” He keeps his gaze firmly on his food, and Michael hates to think that he's ashamed. “PT's pretty brutal right now. We're trying out some blades, so it's a lot of running and jumping around. It makes me really sore, so that's why I have my leg off.”

Michael nods slowly. “I feel awful for thinking that you were blowing me off,” he says. At Alex's aborted huff of annoyance, he realizes that he's once again bringing it back to himself. Damn. He needs to start thinking before he talks. “I mean, thank you for telling me.”

“I didn't want to say yes to lunch and then show up late, or bail on you because I'm too tired.”

“I understand, Alex.” Michael reaches out almost by reflex, taking Alex's hand in his. “I get it, it's fine. I wouldn't have asked at all if I'd known. I'm realizing that I've never shown interest in your...health. It's not because I don't care, I do.”

“There's probably a lot we still don't know about each other, Guerin,” Alex says. Michael raises an eyebrow at the use of his last name, an old habit that Alex has given up for the most part. But it's an appropriate reminder of their history. “We missed ten years of each other's life. Just because I know your big secret doesn't mean we don't have anything left to share.”

“I want to share things, though,” Michael breathes.

“Yeah, me too. This,” Alex gestures to his leg, “It's hard. I don't want to...it's hard to let myself look vulnerable. Even to you. Especially to you, sometimes.”

“Especially?”

“You remember what you said, 'if anyone's gonna destroy me, it might as well be you'? Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't give you too much ammunition. Because when you lash out, you know exactly where to strike.”

Michael reels back from that, shocked. “Is this about something I said recently?” he asks.

Alex shakes his head. “No. Look, I'm not saying that to argue with you. I'm just...trying to show you where I come from. With my father and my brothers, and then in the Air Force...any vulnerability you show will be turned against you. So my default mode is to hide. I don't want to be like that with you, but you've done it before, too. You go straight for the throat when you're hurt.”

“Shit,” Michael mutters. “You're not wrong. I don't like that it's my defense mechanism, but it is. I can't help it sometimes.”

“I know,” Alex says with a sad smile.

“I can't promise that it will never happen again, but I can promise to work on it? Like...I don't even know how, off the top of my head, but there has to be a way. I−I want to say that things like your leg will always stay off limits, but−”

“You can't promise that, either,” Alex murmurs. “I get that, too. Maybe I just need to take a leap of faith and decide to trust you.”

Michael bites his lip. “Maybe we could meet in the middle?”

Alex meets his gaze, large brown eyes shining just a little, and he nods slowly. Michael leans closer, putting down his fry, and their mouth meet before he even has his hand around Alex's neck.

“In the middle, yeah,” Alex breaks their kiss briefly to shift into a more comfortable position. “Sounds good.” He crashes his mouth against Michael's again.

Michael closes his eyes. This isn't a problem solved, not even close. But they can work on it, and that's all he needs for now.

[flirting-with-psychology]

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Spinach today

What was your last Facebook notification for? Someone liked my profile pic

What bands have you seen live? Demi Lovato and some that my parents took me to

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She used to design exhibits

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? Make friends

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Blow jobs (not young young obviously but in high school I thought they sounded gross)

What are your plans later today? Go to bed

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? DnD

Who do you talk to the most? My boyfriend and my parents

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Not do stupid impulsive things (although I kind of wish I did)

Who is your best guy friend(s)? Probably John

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? It’s fine the way it is

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it 

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Yes, I thought I broke or dislocated my toe, but i did not

Do you think your first love still loves you? It was unrequited

What is something that is “going right” in your life? I got a car and the vaccine

When did you feel ready to start dating? Like 5th grade but it took till high school for people to be ready to date me (and till after college to get past a couple dates)

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? Idk. She always threatened to bite but I can’t remember the last time she actually did

Where were you the last time you made out? My couch

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? Idk

How do you type your sad smileys? :( or :/ depending on the mood

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? No, but my mom does

What was the last soda you drank? Izze

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? Probably being insecure

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yes, to get my wisdom teeth out and pull down my canines and remove half my thyroid

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? No

Who was the last person to hit on you? My boyfriend

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? Go to bed early

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Idk

What do you put on hot dogs? I don’t eat hot dogs

Ever fallen in the shower? Probably

Do you think that things will get better? I hope so

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? No

What’s your favourite book genre? Fantasy

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No

Do dogs like you? I think so

Would you say that you project an air of authority? No

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Maybe

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) One

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? No

Who do you know that had a baby recently? My cousin

Do you like Usher’s songs? Not too many

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? A couple years ago

Have you ever ridden a train? Yes

What do you eat your French fries with? Garlic aioli sauce or nothing

Do you have family problems? Not really but I’m sick of living with my dad

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Gummy vitamins

How do you like your grilled cheese? Nice and toasted but soft on the inside

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? Idk, I don’t really cook What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play with toy animals or play pretend

Have you ever been close to drowning? No

Have you ever had a panic attack? Idk

Do you like doing housework? No

Would you ever get implants? No

Do you own a robe? No

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? No

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? I eat it but it’s not my favorite part. If it’s really hard from being reheated I cut it off

What was the last song you listened to? I'm listening to Forever & Always by Taylor Swift

Have any of your family members been to jail? No

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Maybe, I haven’t been able to get in touch with one of my childhood friends and idk why

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? No

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? Idk, it’s hard to pinpoint

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yes

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? Kinda? Idk. I wanted to be an artist, a scientist, and a teacher. I am still into creative things and I’m interested in science, and teaching might be fun if it didn’t have so much public speaking

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? How I Met Your Mother

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I would be very scared and angry, and probably try to find a way to dodge the draft

What is your favorite Queen song? Bohemian Rhapsody, I’m basic

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I did when I traveled there

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? Probably

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? No

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Always

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? Idk what my favorite date was. Probably just get a meal

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

What is the reason you’re still alive? Luck, probably

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yes, the partner’s. And an airbnb

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Not usually

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) Probably

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Not that I recall

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Tired, thought about my covid shot

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Yes

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yes

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Depends what it is

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? I hope the fuck not

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Tried to get a red ombre but it didn’t really take

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My boyfriend

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? Lol no

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? Sometimes, mostly with my boyfriend. I like AmITheAsshole, AnimalsBeingJerks, and HoldMyCosmo

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? I was a flower girl in my uncle’s wedding and I think I was something in a babysitter’s wedding

Are your parents in good health? Probably about average for their age

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? No

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? Maybe my purple checked ones

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? Not really, other than some disney character ones from when I was a kid

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? Headache or period cramps

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Spiders but both

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? I tried a halloween themed set once

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? I guess native american? idk

[concealeddarkness13]

A New Dawn Part 7

In which Kai meets Motor and the aliens try and screw with them. Tagging my collaborator @ratracechronicler!

Intro

Kai: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

Rat: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5,  part 6

Again, Rat slept later than both me and Eli. While I perched on the edge of my bed, already ready, Eli kept smiling at me whenever he passed me. I tried to smile back, but it just felt so odd. I probably just hadn’t smiled enough at other people recently for it to feel natural.

Rat groaned and rolled over, grabbing her beacon and looking at the screen. She frowned and sat up. “Eli, Motor is asking to meet us here instead of in Loch Legado.”

Eli frowned and walked up to her, putting an arm around her shoulders as he looked over her shoulder. He cocked his head. “Well, at least we don’t have to go so far. But why does he want to come all this way?”

Rat shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe he wants to show off a new motorcycle he got?”

“Where does he want to meet?”

“Five deep east from Fujimoto. Huh. Well it would make sense that he wouldn’t want to be around people. He might get too nervous.” They exchanged a glance, and Rat turned to me with a smile. “So, Motor is another good friend of ours. But he’s like the complete opposite of Spike. He’s a kid, and he’s hyper, and he’s excited. He’ll probably love to meet you.”

I nodded, and I tinkered on the machines I had found. I didn’t have all the parts I needed for the machine against the aliens, but I could still start putting what I had together. I knew what else I needed. It was just a matter of finding the machines and getting them.

Rat and Eli talked quietly while I worked on the machine, and I didn’t bother them. Should I even be getting close to them? They had been so kind to me, but the aliens had threatened to hurt them, and their whispers were still following me. But, was it fair to push Rat and Eli away?

I hadn’t come to a conclusion even after we left the hotel, and I then had to focus on not getting overwhelmed by Joanndu. I was getting better at that, but I still had to force my thoughts to focus.

It was less crowded in the place where we were supposed to meet Motor. Rat and Eli didn’t seem to recognize anyone, so he must not have been there yet. But Rat pointed out a fancy-looking motorcycle, and we walked over.

She eyed it. “Yep. That’s Motor’s all right. No one else would have such an awesome motorcycle.” They exchanged a grin, and Rat started looking around. “So, where is he?” She cupped her hands around her mouth. “Motor! Where’re you hiding?”

A head peaked out from behind one of the buildings, and Rat frowned. “What’re you doing over there? Don’t you wanna see us? We’ll all get some good food together, and it’ll be fun.” She walked toward him, and I followed her. What was wrong? Was he scared of me? Oh. Maybe I shouldn’t…

I gasped and froze when I felt my machine stop working, and all the hightlighted machines vanished from my sight.

Rat turned back to me with a frown, but I just stared at Motor. It wasn’t Rat who did it, so did Motor have the same kind of curse as her? Did he mean to?

He took a few shaky steps forward and looked straight at me. “D-did I d-do it?” I just stared at him, and he looked away and shook his head. “I-I’m s-so sorry! Th-these aliens…”

Rat didn’t even let him finish. She dashed forward, kneeled down, and put her hands on his shoulders. “Aliens? Did they hurt you? What happened?”

I glanced back at Eli when I realized he hadn’t gone up to Motor. He shuffled his feet and looked down at the ground. If Motor was able to disable my machine, could he have done the same with Eli? Oh.

“Th-they told me to h-haywire the stranger w-with you two. I-I’m so sorry.” I tensed and started looking around. Were they here? Were they watching us right now?

Rat spoke in the background while I focused. “Sh. Don’t worry about it. Anyone would be scared about creepy aliens coming and telling them to do something. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Right, Kai?”

I nodded and slipped my knives into my hands. Where the hell were they? Why didn’t they just come out and fight me head on? I was so tired already of seeing them at the edge of my vision, of hearing their whispers in my ears. I had to go looking for them.

Rat took a deep breath and stood up. “Okay. So, I’ve officially had it with these jellyfish bastards. We’re going to find them, and I’m going to repay them.”

I looked over at her and smiled. At least she understood. But before she could take two steps, Motor grabbed her arm. He was starting to shake again. “P-please d-don’t go looking for them. Th-they’ve got powers that we haven’t seen yet. I-I’m scared.”

Rat knelt back down with a frown. “Fine. Tell me what happened then. Maybe we can figure out what’s going on.”

Well, I could still look for the aliens. I took a deep breath and started walking toward one of the side streets. They had to be somewhere around here. But before I could get very far, Eli grabbed my arm. Why would he stop me? I turned on him, tensing and holding up one of my knives a little, but he didn’t flinch. He just shook his head. “Don’t go off on your own. Stay with us.”

I hissed and shook my head back at him. “They’re here. They’ve always been following me. It’s like I can hear them in my head. I have to stop them.” I gestured back at Rat, who was still comforting Motor. “They threatened one of your friends. Wouldn’t you want them gone? W…wouldn’t you want me gone because I’m the one they’re after? I’m the reason this is even happening!”

Eli stood up even straighter, and I had to crane my neck to even see his expression (which was a lot easier, by the way, since I didn’t have to look through all the machinery). There was a mixture of emotions in his eyes, mainly stubbornness and sadness. “You’re not going alone to fight them. I don’t care what you think. I don’t want to lose a friend.”

I stared at him and hunched even lower. How, how could he see me as a friend? I was the reason his real friend was getting hurt, and I was the reason they were in any danger. I had to stop this or get myself out of the picture before they truly got hurt.

He sighed when I didn’t respond, and he hugged me tightly. I tensed, but then I relaxed and closed my eyes. Why did I feel so safe? Especially with everything that was going on. “Please,” he whispered. “You don’t have to do any of this alone. We’re more than willing to help you out. Just let us.”

I nodded, and he moved back. I put my knives back up and turned to Rat and Motor. I had to at least try to communicate. I had to just remember that.

Rat and Motor turned to us, and she stood up, while Motor held her hand. “It sounds like your buds from your planet decided to pay Motor a visit, Kai. They wanted him to disable your machine, and they threatened him.”

I looked away from both of them. “I’m so sorry. I should leave if I’m going to endanger you and your friends.” Eli made a sound of annoyance, but I wanted to give them the option to get rid of me. I wouldn’t blame them.

Rat nodded. “Well said, Eli. I’m never going to let you do that. You’re my gangster now, so you have to deal with it. And I won’t let those creepy jellyfish take one of my gangsters. We’re going to need to be on high alert now, but,” she looked pointedly at me. “We’re not going to go seeking out the jellyfish. At least not yet.” She nudged Motor as she started walking. “Come on. I know a great place we can go to get a great meal.”

When he passed by me, he wouldn’t look me in the eyes, but he did stop. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

I brushed it off and tried to smile. “You didn’t hurt me, so it’s no big deal.” What was really concerning was that the aliens knew enough about Rat and Eli to target their friends. And it was all because of me. Was there a way to make it up to them?

As we walked to the food place, Eli stayed walking beside me, and he tried to hide it, but he kept watching me. He was probably worried I would try to run off and fight the aliens. I wished I could run after them, but Rat was right. There was no point in going after them yet. Anyway, I had no idea where they were.

“We know all about your friends now, Kaira. They will get hurt if you continue with them.” I whipped around, and Eli watched me with a frown, but there was still no one there. How were they so fast? And why didn’t they show their stupid faces? All their sneaking in the shadows was the worst. It would be so much easier if I could just fight them out in the open.

Eli put a hand on my shoulder. “Kai? Are you okay?”

I nodded. I’d tell them eventually, but there was no need to worry them now. “I’m just hearing things.”

He kept watching me with a frown as we continued walking, but I didn’t try to explain myself. I shouldn’t drag them into this mess. They wouldn’t want to deal with this anyway.

 Motor still looked shaken up about his encounter with the aliens when we got to the restaurant, so once we ordered and sat down, Rat spoke. “So, what’s been going on with you, Motor?”

He grinned, his entire expression changing. Wow. That was fast. “I have a baby sister! Her name is Mauve, and she’s awesome! And the community is actually accepting her even though she’s faulty!”

Rat grinned. “That’s awesome! I’m glad they’re not being stupid.”

They chatted some more about an extermination that they all seemed to know about, but when there was a lull in the conversation, I spoke up. I wanted to try to be friendly with him. He was just a kid, and I needed to make up for being the reason the aliens terrified him. “Was that your motorcycle we saw before we found you? It was really cool. How did you get it?”

His eyes shone as he turned to me with a grin. “It’s a 311 beta-frame evap recyc manuman Meilin Sagitta! Built fresh, small enough for a kid like me, great fuel economy reusing the evaporated liquid lightning instead of releasing it, and manual maneuvering means I get to drive it instead of some robot doing it for me. They’re suuuuper expensive! This one’s limited edition. Let’s just say I did a favor for a high-profile fuzz who pulled some gears to get me this for free.”

He wasn’t a bad kid, even if I didn’t understand half of what he was saying. “Do you think I could study it? I’m interested in machines, so it would be cool to learn more about your motorcycle.”

He grinned. “Of course!” He actually stood up, took my hand, and pulled me out of the restaurant, back to where his motorcycle was parked. I smiled a little and started pulling out the machines inside it without disconnecting anything as he chatted about how it worked.

[daydreamerspeaksout]

Day 2: It's Hard to Let Go

As I mention before I usually think a lot when I'm working at Amazon. You think as a stower I would be paying more attention to the work but sometimes my mind drifts. Usually I think about old memories and friends from the past. I am talking about friends from my elementary school years and usually middle/high school years too. I recently started to think about the best friend I had in high school. It had been hard to let go of somebody that you understood and that they understood you especially during those years where you were kind of going crazy because of hormones and such.

About I would say more than 9 years ago I decided to cut ties with this person. They weren't being the person that I had known back then and they were completely different because of the new crowd they were hanging in. Not sure if I ever made a post about it in the past but here goes the little story.

The Birthday Party that Sealed the Fate of Friendship

I am not a typical party person, I am not a social butterfly. I usually cling to someone that I am comfortable with and just have conversations with them or if they are more social than me they will lead the convo and I would just jump in. Sad to say this is not what happened at this party. I didn't stay the whole way through because my mom was still working and I had to take care of my disabled sister in the mornings. So I had to leave early in order to wake up on time to give her the meds.

I arrived a little early because I was driving to a new area that I didn't know too well. So like a nerd I arrived early in order to make sure that if I got lost I would have some time to sort it out. It was my first party where I knew very little people in it and where my high school crush was gonna be at too. [Long story short with this guy, he has a girlfriend and she was at the party too. I didn't like her vibe but whatever, it was not meant to be. I haven't spoken to him in about two years or so. I think he got lost in a well or just doesn't care about social media all together.] I was extremely nervous about facing the music that my crush was gonna be there with his new girlfriend. So I pretty much ate nothing before the party because of the pit in my stomach.

When I arrived at the house, my best friend took me to their room and they were finishing up getting ready. I met her other friend that she is still close too, I believe. She was nice and I was very quiet, just waiting for the party to start and for more people to arrive. I knew some of her new friends from the cosplay world. I have only seen them in pictures and occasionally they were brought up in conversations. Nothing against the cosplay community but these cosplayers did not like new people that were too quiet and not extroverted like they are. But not all of them were like that only two were really nice and they actually held decent conversations with me. I still have them on Facebook as friends. I know I barely say words to them but I still think they are cool people.

You know how I said that I cling to people because I am not a social butterfly? Well that night I was left pretty much alone practically. I sat down at a table by the pool, I did get up to eat something and I drank (age 20 at the time) some kind of whiskey with coke [the crush served it to me lol]. Getting the drink I was introduced to the crush's girlfriend and again did not like the vibe that she was throwing. I went back to the table and sat there people watching, eventually one of the two people who conversed with me, sat there and we started talking. I asked about his interests because I knew he was the one who would photograph the group at conventions. He did really good work to be honest, as a person who always had interest in picture taking, talking about it was pretty interesting. Then the second person I believe came by and just started a conversation with us until the rest of the group came to join in.

BUT there was one guy that was already a little effy about me because of my quiet nature. He saw me as the outsider and I felt like one when he would start to talk. I believe most of them were already a little tipsy, my best friend was. When they all joined in at the table I stayed quiet most of the time. They had conversations about their convention adventures and I, of course, never been to one at the time felt left out. I eventually decided that I should just leave because I was feeling uncomfortable and feeling pretty much alone in a crowd of people.

My best friend walked me out or well they were stumbling a little but as I was getting ready to open the car. They said thank you for coming and that we will hang out soon, I promise. I said sure, can't wait. Deep inside I knew that was a lie. I knew that this was gonna be the last time I would see them.

Sure enough, I believe a few weeks passed on by with me trying to keep communication afloat with them. Not to mention that I was going through a lot within the family and dealing with some bad shit at home. I needed a friend to be there for me, I needed my best friend, at least to be there for me. Instead I got nothing, I got the same shitty conversations about the cosplay community and the troubles within their little cosplay group. [When they had time to text me] I put my foot down that last conversation we had. I let it all out because I needed too. They weren't being the friend they had promised in high school. Through thick and thin is what I thought but the thin became obsolete. I was fighting for a friendship that was nonexistent. [I did find people that were there for me during those tough times though. Still friends with them and they have been there for a long time. Shout out to them. <3]

So I blocked them on everything that I had them on, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, on my phone, anything.... Can I just say to this day I still have their number. To this day, I can't delete it even though the conversations are gone, I still haven't gotten the guts to press delete. May be... some day... I will but it's hard to do so. I have numbers from others that I haven't spoken to in years and still hard to press delete. But that birthday party showed me that people change. People really do change for the worse sometimes and I did not need that at the time. I needed a friend that would just sit and listen to me and not one that made it about their own problems all the time. So what if so and so did this or that? I don't need that kind of venting because I wasn't apart of that world. I wasn't even asked to be apart of it. I was just left on the side and only told the stories. I needed the person that would just let me vent about some serious shit going on at home. I needed to let tears out and to be told that I shouldn't let it get to me. I needed a friend when I felt like the world was crashing down, but I truly got nothing from them. It's like that shoulder was ice cold and I was not worthy to lean on it.

At least that's how I felt when I blocked them and told myself, their some friendships that are not worth fighting for any more.

Out of the Bad Came Something Good

I would like to thank the people that have been there for me through the very thick and the very thin. Find yourself those kinds of people, find yourself people that totally and utterly get you. Find yourself the people that are TWINS to your personality. But also surround yourself with people that are total opposites with you. Out of a bad friendship, new ones sprouted and I have not felt alone ever again, to be honest. I have found an immense amount of love and an immense amount of support. That's what I needed and what I wanted to give back as well. It sounds stupid but I supported the hell out of this person through their ideas and their cosplay ideas. The future that they wanted to have, their dreams that they told me about. I supported them and I felt like they supported me too. That was the case at some point but it went downhill.

Moral of the story, find your true best friends, they are out there! I know sometimes it will seem like nobody is a perfect match for you. Or that your current friend isn't there for you. Speak up. Ask them, will you hear me out? Wake them up, if they aren't. Cut them out if they can't be there for you when you need them. But if you can take away something from this, if you're gonna be a friend to someone always try to keep the communication lines open and be open if something does bother you.

You should never feel alone in a friendship or feel left out.

To the person that I cut ties with, I have forgiven you and though we never speak or we have never tried to reach out to each other. I do wish you well. I have managed to let go of the anger and hurt I felt when I had to do that. Dare I say I thought you were my big sister, at one point. That was tough to let go of somebody I thought would be there forever. But I sincerely forgive you. If we were to meet again, I will respectfully give you a nod of acknowledgment. I hope and trust that you are not the same as before. I wish things had ended on a better note cause that last memory of our final conversation is seared in my mind. I am no longer mad though. I just hope you changed for the better.

On this note, though it is a tiny bit sad going down memory lane, I shall end it with "What's the Big Idea?"

[surveystodestressme]

251.

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? there were veggies in my sushi

What was your last Facebook notification for? -

What bands have you seen live? a lot

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: her and my dad knew each other for a week before he moved in

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? i have no idea

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? eating seafood

What are your plans later today? going to bed it's almost midnight

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? packing up the rest of my apartment

Who do you talk to the most? my boyfriend

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? listening to oldies

Who is your best guy friend(s)? jackson and jayson and michael

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? it's ok where it is now

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? i already have one lol

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? nope

Do you think your first love still loves you? he claimed to last time we spoke

What is something that is “going right” in your life? my boyfriend and i are finally starting our life together, moving across the US together and both getting really good jobs

When did you feel ready to start dating? i don't know man it just happened

When was the last time your pet bit you? it's been a while, my cat love bites a lot

Where were you the last time you made out? probably in bed

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? i cry so much i don't even know

How do you type your sad smileys? :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? no we use them all

What was the last soda you drank? baha blast

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? how bad my farts stink lol

Have you ever had any type of surgery? no

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? ehhh i don't know about that

Who was the last person to hit on you? my boyfriend

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? no idea

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? i dont know

What do you put on hot dogs? ketchup and mustard

Ever fallen in the shower? Yes.

Do you think that things will get better? yeah

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? i don't know

What’s your favourite book genre? horror

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? yes

Do dogs like you? i think so

Would you say that you project an air of authority? somewhat, i used to be a trainer/supervisor

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? no

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? none in the shower, one after

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? no

Who do you know that had a baby recently? one of the doctors i work with

Do you like Usher’s songs? yeah

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? it's been a while

Have you ever ridden a train? yes

What do you eat your French fries with?ketchup, dry sauce, ranch

Do you have family problems?not really tbh

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? tortilla chips

How do you like your grilled cheese? i don't really like grilled cheese

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? i don't cook challenging things very often

What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? hang out with my friends

Have you ever been close to drowning? yes!! first time i ever went to the beach i went waaaay too far out and i am not a strong swimmer and a giant wave overtook me and dragged me further out and i could not get back up to the surface for what seemed like forever then i swam back to the beach and collapsed lol

Have you ever had a panic attack? yes

Do you like doing housework? not really but i like a clean house

Would you ever get implants? probably not

Do you own a robe? No.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? i have an older sister

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? i like it

What was the last song you listened to? no idea something on the radio

Have any of your family members been to jail? Yeah.

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? not really

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? nope

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? when an ex of mine told me i was a heartless bitch because i wouldn't sleep with him lol

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? nope

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? nope lol i wanted to be a masuse and a fashion designer

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? game of thrones

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? i would be sad because i already tried to get into the military and got discharged lol

What is your favorite Queen song? bohemian rhapsody

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? nope

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? definitely

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? Yes.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? plenty of times

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? jackson and i have one so many fun things over the years it's hard to choose

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? i dont even remember

What is the reason you’re still alive? my boyfriend

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? yes

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? i do every night

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? yes

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? yeah

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? tired, i had to poop lol

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Of course.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? plenty of times to plenty of people

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? no

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? black

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? i did

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? yeah

Do you ever go on Reddit? rarely

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? i was a flower girl in my aunts wedding

Are your parents in good health? somewhat

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? nope

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? i don't think so

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? yeah i like the ones jack's mom got for me last christmas they're super soft, plaid red and green pants

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? nope

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My back.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? bees

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? yes but it's been a long time

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? neither

[suckitsurveys]

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? There are veggies in this pasta I’m eating. 

What was your last Facebook notification for? I don’t feel like looking. 

What bands have you seen live? A good handful.

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She was a drug and alcohol abuse counselor in the 80′s before I was born.

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? I don’t know. Maybe moving to the house that is still my dad’s to this day?

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Avocados.

What are your plans later today? After I get some sleep I’m supposed to go to my niece’s soccer game.

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? ^

Who do you talk to the most? Mark.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Being a live.

Who is your best guy friend(s)? Mark and Randal.

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m okay.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? Keep it.

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? No.

Do you think your first love still loves you? Hah.

What is something that is “going right” in your life? I’m fully vaccinated and feeling amazing about that. 

When did you feel ready to start dating? I don’t know if I ever did? It just sort of, happened? I was never really interested in it in high school. I did have a long distance bf when I was 16 though haha. 

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? My one kitty bites when I play rough with her. Not very hard though. 

Where were you the last time you made out? In the kitchen.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? When I got home from getting my covid shot the first time. 

How do you type your sad smileys? :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? Nope.

What was the last soda you drank? Cherry Coke! It’s very unlike me to get anything but root beer when I’m out, but their machine was down at the hot dog place my dad and I went to this afternoon so I got a cherry coke instead.

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? Mark is always making fun of me in little playful ways, so probably something silly and petty I did. 

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? On the one had, yes, but on the other hand, it’s their fucking body. 

Who was the last person to hit on you? My husband.

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? Clean my house lol.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? That my mom had died. I had to tell my cousin Kelly and I will never forget her reaction.

What do you put on hot dogs? Mustard, relish, onion, celery salt. 

Ever fallen in the shower? Yes.

Do you think that things will get better? They are looking up.

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? Maybe?

What’s your favourite book genre? I don’t know. 

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? No. Well wait, technically. We bought tickets to one movie, went in to that movie for a little bit, and then snuck in to see Jackass lol.

Do dogs like you? Sure.

Would you say that you project an air of authority? Ha, no.

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Yes. Not a very high one, but definitely high.

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) Two.

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? Yes, I live near Lake Michigan. I’ve also seen Erie, and I think Huron as well?

Who do you know that had a baby recently? Yeah.

Do you like Usher’s songs? Sure.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? January 2020.

Have you ever ridden a train? Yes, several times. 

What do you eat your French fries with? Depends on the fry. Some don’t need anything.

Do you have family problems? No family is perfect.

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Hm. I don’t recall.

How do you like your grilled cheese? Cheesy and dipped in tomato soup.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I don’t recall. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Ride my bike and swing and swim.

Have you ever been close to drowning? Nah.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Many times.

Do you like doing housework? Sometimes.

Would you ever get implants? If anything I’d get a reduction. 

Do you own a robe? No.

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope.

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? Depends on the pizza. 

What was the last song you listened to? Some song in a video Mark is watching. 

Have any of your family members been to jail? Yeah.

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Whatever.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? Yes, I was young. I would always ask what words were when my parents would read me stories and i was reading basic books by 4. 

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? Probably my mom’s death.

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Yes. Fun fact: I only grew three wisdom teeth. The other one just never showed up, lol.

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? I think I wanted to be a vet. I don’t think I could handle that now.

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? SO many. I am so bad at watching new stuff. 

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I’d move to Canada.

What is your favorite Queen song? Basic, but Bohemian Rhapsody. I also like Don’t Stop Me Now, Under Pressure, and Killer Queen.

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I’ve never had to.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? Yeah.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? Yes.

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Now.

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? Anytime Mark and I get sushi lol.

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? I saw Clerks 2 twice. And I think True Grit? Maybe some others I am forgetting. 

What is the reason you’re still alive? My husband and my nieces.

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Nope. 

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Not usually. I have though.

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) Oh yes. 

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Yes and yes.

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? I was mad at myself because I slept later than I wanted.

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? Of course.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Well yeah, it’s not something you just say in the romantic sense. I love my family and friends and tell them so.

Would you date someone with a physical disability? Yeah.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? They haven’t.

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Blue. That was in January 2020. I’m getting it dyed soon again. 

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? My dad.

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? I should start.

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? I’ve Googled things that led me to Reddit, but I don’t go on there specifically.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? Yes, a flower girl. My aunt let me pick out my own dress and I chose a long black velvet one and she was so sweet and I could tell she wasn’t thrilled but she wanted me to wear what I wanted so she let me wear it. I think I was about 9 or 10?

Are your parents in good health? My dad is. My mom, not so much, seeing as she’s deceased. Too dark? lol.

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? I took care of my mom for a little bit when she first got out of the hospital. 

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? I’m allergic to something called bactrim apparently? That is what I’ve been told my whole life.

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? I just wear tshirts and undies to bed. 

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? I had a She-Re one but I gave it to my niece a few years ago. It was technically my sister’s anyway lol.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My back.

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Neither. Bees are more annoying when they buzz in your ear, but I’m not really afraid of them.

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? Yeah.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American.

[lalka-laski]

What’s the last vegetable you ate, and when did you eat it? Ermm... some peppers in my cheesy chili burrito yesterday. The healthiest way to go about eating veggies, I know

What was your last Facebook notification for? A like on a photo

What bands have you seen live? Too many to list. I live for shows!

Tell me an interesting fact about your mother: She was born in Belfast & moved to the States when she was 3(?), but spent most of her summers back "home" as a child and teen. This was at the heart of The Troubles in N. Ireland so she has some colorful stories for sure.

What do you think is the most important thing to happen to you before the age of 13? I couldn't narrow it down to a single event. Unless we count the trauma I experienced that gifted me my PTSD, anxiety, & various other mental illnesses. But I don't want to deem that as "important."

What were you super against as a young child but aren’t anymore? Hm... I definitely had a lot of internalized misogyny growing up, so really any side effect of that. Now I love women, support women, and root for women, instead of shaming them or letting my jealousy overtake me!

What are your plans later today? Blue Barn Cidery! It's a beautiful day to get day drunk :)

Are you doing anything exciting this weekend? See above! Then tomorrow I'm getting brunch with the in-laws & then possibly day drinking round two? Do I have a problem??

Who do you talk to the most? Glenn, with Kathleen as a close second.

What are some things you do regularly that make you feel old? Welp, I just went to the mall yesterday and was absolutely baffled by all the shit I saw on the racks. That made me feel ancient!

Who is your best guy friend(s)? Sean. And Glenn too, but ya know he's technically more than a friend :P

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I don't mind my complexion but seeing as everyone feels the need to poke fun at it or make snarky comments about it, I guess I'd like to be a touch darker.

If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? I'd like to say I'd keep it. Scars add character.

Have you had an x-ray in the past year? Nope

Do you think your first love still loves you? He still has feelings for me. Most of which are regrets and "what ifs" so I wouldn't say it's LOVE necessarily but, yeah.

What is something that is “going right” in your life? My beautiful, fulfilling relationship with Glenn. And my equally beautiful & fulfilling relationships with my other loved ones.

When did you feel ready to start dating? Honestly I never felt "ready." Relationships were always scary territory for me.

When was the last time your pet bit you? If you don’t have a pet, have you ever been bitten by someone else’s? I don't have a pet.

Where were you the last time you made out? Our bed

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? I came close to it yesterday! It's a frequent occurrence for me (and for that I'm grateful)

How do you type your sad smileys? :(

Do you have “decorative hand-towels” that cannot be used in your house? Nah

What was the last soda you drank? Root beer yesterday

What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I got a scuffmark on my brand new sneakers yesterday and Glenn said "Are we surprised? You ruin all your shoes" (To be clear I wasn't offended. He's right! I'm reckless with my shoes because I prefer just being barefoot).

Have you ever had any type of surgery? Yeah, a few minor ones.

Should kids be allowed to get tattoos/piercings without parental consent? Umm, not sure

Who was the last person to hit on you? Can we count Glenn?

What was the last thing you decided not to do, that you were supposed to? Answer the phone

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell someone? Oh boy. Any kind of rejection is hard for me so anything in that realm.

What do you put on hot dogs? Mustard, and maybe some relish or sauerkraut

Ever fallen in the shower? I don't think so? Which is surprising.

Do you think that things will get better? They're fantastic right now but yes, I do see them getting even better than this!

Have you ever legitimately saved a person’s life? I mean, not to my knowledge. But who knows.

What’s your favourite book genre? Realistic fiction/domestic fiction/family sagas

Have you ever walked out of a movie at the theatre? Yep

Do dogs like you? Weirdly, yes. But the feeling isn't mutual. Sorry, pups!

Would you say that you project an air of authority? Not even a little bit

Have you ever jumped off a high dive into a pool? Nah

Do you use one towel when you shower or two? (one for hair, one for body) One

Have you ever been to one of the great lakes? I live right on one of 'em

Who do you know that had a baby recently? My friend Tori just had a beautiful baby girl!

Do you like Usher’s songs? Yeah, he was pretty iconic in my middle school years. His music takes me back to cucumber melon body spray & glittery eye shadow.

When was the last time you went to a waterpark? It's been too long!

Have you ever ridden a train? Yep, and I love it.

What do you eat your French fries with? Ketchup or mayo

Do you have family problems? Who the hell doesn't?

What’s the last food you ate that was stale? Hmm... chips?

How do you like your grilled cheese? I recently discovered the delicious of adding a little Caesar dressing to a grilled cheese and OH MAN OH MAN.

What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? This is baking, not cooking, but I made some focaccia bread the other week & really struggled. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Reading and writing, of course. I was also a big fan of drawing & any other type of craft.

Have you ever been close to drowning? I don't think so.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Mhm

Do you like doing housework? No thank ya

Would you ever get implants? Yeah

Do you own a robe? Several!

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Kathleen

Do you like crust on pizza or do you cut it off? Yeah, I leave no crumb of my pizza untouched.

What was the last song you listened to? Kangaroo by David Gray

Have any of your family members been to jail? Some members of my extended family

Is there anyone that you feel you still need some closure with? Nah not really.

Can you remember when you first learned how to read? I don't remember but it was younger than average.

What event in your life has transformed your personality the most? Didn't I already answer this?

Have you ever had any teeth pulled? Fucking seven. At once!!

Do you still want to be what you wanted to be in elementary school? Yeah! I always wanted to be an author (and illustratorr, but I scrapped that one).

What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? I'm not much of a TV watcher so I can't really think of anything.

How would you feel if you were drafted for the military? I'd die?

What is your favorite Queen song? Under Pressure ft David Bowie. Of course <3

Do you know how to use any foreign currency? I go to Canada several times a year so yeah. Though that hardly counts, ha.

Been kissed by someone who you knew was “bad” for you? Yep. But never again.

Ever taken an at-home pregnancy test? Yep

When was the last time you were at a loss of what to do? Daily?

What did you do on your favorite date with a guy/girl? My favorite date days with Glenn are when we stroll Park Ave hitting up all our favorite little shops and bars. We always make a stop at this delicious chocolate shop and stock up on sponge candy, and then we end the night at our favorite Japanese restaurant for ramen & sake!

What’s a movie you have seen in the theater more than once? None I don't think?

What is the reason you’re still alive? My family & friends

Have you ever had sex in someone else’s bed/bedroom? Yeah

Do you ever brush your hair before you go to bed? Sometimes

Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) DANIEL FUCKING RADCLIFFE LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Absolutely

How did you feel when you woke up today? What was the first thing you thought about? Felt pretty damn great actually! I was excited for the day ahead. I didn't even mind the fact that I have to work this morning :)

Do you still tell your parents that you love them? We're not that type of family. We express our love in different ways though, and I'm perfectly content with it.

Have you ever said “I love you” to someone you weren’t going out with? Yeah

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? BOY HE BETTER NOT HAVE lmao

The last time you dyed your hair, what color did you dye it? Same as it ever was

Think of the last time you went out to eat. Who paid? Glenn & I went to the food court at the mall and got separate things that we paid for on our own

Do you save at least 15 percent of your income? HAAAAAAAAA no

Do you ever go on Reddit? If so, what are some of your favorite subreddits? It's my go-to bedtime reading! I love askreddit, antimlm, amitheasshole, glitch_in_the_matrix... tons more.

Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? I was the flower girl for my aunt's wedding! I made it all the way down the aisle, then turned around & noticed everyone staring at me and burst into tears. Classic Elizabeth.

Are your parents in good health? Thank God, yes!

Have you ever been a caregiver to a sick/disabled relative? No

Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? Not that I'm aware of

Do you have a favorite pair of pajamas? What do they look like? I have several cute pairs! But my go-tos are just nightgowns or big tee shirts most of the time.

Do you have any interesting pillow cases? Uh I wouldn't call any of them interesting.

If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? None!

Are you more afraid of spiders or bees? Neither really

Have you ever worn fake nails? If so, what did the last pair you wore look like? WOW I am literally wearing press-on nails as we speak. Yes, I'm trash. And yes, I love it.

Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Both?

[reflectionsforalostsoul]

Time just slips away...

TRIGGER WARNING

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TW Suicide

I’m just not really sure sometimes. Some days I feel okay, and the others I get sad again. My memory loss has affected me greatly. 

I will find a note on my phone or something on a piece of paper that I had deemed important, maybe a moment of inspiration or a message to Ronnie and I no longer have any idea what I am talking about. I found some lovely story notes yesterday that I had written a couple of years ago. I only know the time frame because I like to send myself messages on Facebook so I don’t forget things and happily I stumbled across messages where the names matched up to some of the notes in the notebook. I had been fretting because at the time I wrote the stuff down I had used abbreviations instead of names at times. One I saw repeatedly was MC, which I assumed stood for main character. A logical assumption, right? Yet another I couldn’t figure out. Repeatedly I saw a ™ referenced. Docs keeps correcting this to a trademark symbol (facepalm). 

It has been bothering me a lot. I had done a lot of work and I obviously cared about this character, but couldn’t glean from the notebook what it stood for. I hate writing things by hand, and evidently thought it wasn’t necessary to fully write it out. If I focus really hard I can vaguely recall the inspiration. It is of course mine, there are usually recurring themes in stories that I plan to write. But what did it mean?

Then today in messenger I had typed it out. Swype keyboards are so much faster than writing in pencil, thank god!  Taxi Man. How did I forget that? You obviously don’t know what Taxi Man means, so let me explain it to you, as best my memory can allow. 

My childhood was kind of rough. 

My family was quite poor and my parents didn’t have what you would call a happy marriage. My Father was abusive to everyone in the household. Both mentally and physically. When he was home sometimes it felt like being in a literal nightmare. You know that prickle of terror you feel on the back of your neck in a nightmare sometimes? Or those moments where you were so terrified that when you tried to scream no sound could escape your lips? It was like that sometimes. My Father was prone to mood swings, drank, and abused drugs. He had a myriad of problems, and refused to work. Just to give you some background on my state of mind when I first encountered the Taxi Man. 

So, to say I suffered from depression would be too simple. I was 14 years old and also dealing with normal hormonal changes. Ah..puberty. It will wreck you emotionally. Compound that with irregular periods and you have a recipe for disaster. 

I often thought of suicide. I didn’t really want to die, but I wanted my life as it was currently to end. I was tired of my life. Tired of the abuse. Tired of feeling alone. I cried constantly and did anything I could to avoid going home. My Father and I butted heads frequently. I was the only one in the house who dared stand up to him. 

This wasn’t what you think normal teenage drama is like. I was not rebelling because I wanted a late curfew, this was literally, “How fucking dare you put your hands on my Mother!” I had been terrified of him as a child, but there are only so many times that you can be hurt and pain still work as a fear tactic or parental deterrent. It wasn’t always in defense of my Mother either. Sometimes it was for my little sisters’ sake. 

My Father had quit working when I was about six and a half years old. He was trying to get disability for carpal tunnel, so my Mother got a job full time. My sisters were 2 years and 6 months old, respectively. If you thought my Father was going to change diapers or maintain the house while my Mother worked you’d sadly be mistaken. 

I am not complaining. I was never resentful. I had always been what my Mom called a Mother Hen. I loved my little sisters. So, I changed diapers, gave baths, brushed their hair. I dressed them, tucked them in, and tried to teach them stuff. How many times did I work on ABCs or counting? The situation was a bit confusing for them though. My youngest sister called my Mom frequently, and even the other made that mistake at times. I know it broke my Mother’s heart. She had missed out on the most important time for development in my youngest sister’s life, but there wasn’t anything to do about it. She had no family close by and I think was still trying to maintain appearances about her relationship with my Father. 

My Mother broke my heart. To me she was the most magnificent woman. I knew that I had the prettiest Mom. She had a beautiful singing voice. She was smart. Well read. But so painfully shy. She was that kind of person who couldn’t ever speak up for themselves. I remember being frustrated going to stores with her when I was young because she was too shy to ask an employee for help if she couldn’t find something. We would instead wander for what felt like hours until she managed to find the item she was looking for, or something that would just have to do. I am a protective person, it is just my nature, hence why Mom called me Mother Hen. So eventually I would stop a store employee and ask for her. She never would have asked me to do such a thing, and maybe this embarrassed her at times too. But to watch your parent struggle over such a simple task is heartbreaking. I couldn’t fathom why she had such difficulty speaking. 

But I loved my Mother and would do anything for her, so I decided to be her voice. I was always a rather take charge kind of person. 

So, of course I argued for her sake. I argued for the sisters that I loved in a deeper motherly way. I couldn’t stand how he treated them. It is one thing to pick on someone who can defend themselves, but my Mother and little sisters could not. That was our life. I could go on and on, but it is enough to give you an idea of why I had suicidal ideation. 

So, let me tell you how I met the Taxi Man. It was in a dream. The dream started with me sitting in the front passenger seat of an old fashioned Taxi. From the 1940’s, with pronounced fender flares. 

It was nighttime and we were traveling down a winding road with open fields for as far as the eye could see on either side towards a forest. In the driver seat sat an ancient man wearing a top hat. His shoulder length wispy grey hair was disheveled. A tag hung from the band of his hat, though I don’t know if it said anything at all. It was probably too old to have anything legible on it. His suit was tweed with patches on the elbows. He had a dingy white cravat that I imagine would have fluttered hauntingly if the windows had been cracked. Definitely someone interesting that you would have tried to absorb every detail of, but I was beginning to panic at not knowing how I got there.

“Where are we?” I asked, panic rising in my throat.

That is when he turned and reached towards me. That is when I saw it.

He had no eyeballs. 

His eye sockets were empty aside from small flames. You know that prickle feeling I mentioned earlier? It was happening now. He did not answer me, nor did he touch me. He instead reached past me, opened the glove compartment, and returned his hand to the wheel. I turn from him and look inside and am surprised to see a small television screen. 

It clicks on, and I am unable to look away, for I see myself in my own bedroom. I am sitting on the floor with letters scattered all around me. Mascara courses down my cheeks as I sob uncontrollably. I am unsure. I don’t remember this ever happening. Then the screen darkens again. That is when the Taxi Man spoke. 

“You killed yourself. That is why you are here.”

I quickly glance around and see that we don’t seem to be any closer to the forest, though the car has never stopped moving. The small television blinks back on and I see a funeral. There is a church, my family, and even classmates standing in groups talking quietly. My Mother stands by my casket crying into a scarf. She looks devastated and broken. My sisters are holding her hands, but their heads hang down. They do not lift their gaze even when someone stops to offer condolences. 

Then I see my ex-boyfriend walk in by himself, carrying a white rose. He pauses at the back of the room, the prospect of my casket seeming too much for him to handle. 

“It has not been decided yet.”

“What hasn’t?” I gasped. 

“Where you are going. You’ve killed yourself. I cannot take you to Heaven. So you will have to wait while it is decided. It is going to feel like an eternity.”

Again I noted that the car was not any closer to the forest, though the car kept a steady place. It suddenly made sense.

“Is this purgatory?”

The Taxi Man just nodded, his lips curving slightly. Was it an attempt to smile? I didn’t sense any malice from him. Just eternalness, and maybe… Maybe this was his way of trying to comfort me. The thought of an eternal wait, with your very soul hanging in the balance is quite frightening. 

It was an important dream to me. It felt so real. Like I had been given a warning. I thought of the Taxi Man frequently throughout the years, even sketched him a couple times. I just cannot forget him. I even dreamt of him more recently, though the interaction was not always pleasant. So, how did I not realize what ™ stood for in my notes? It is a frustrating thing. Though I never stay sad for too long. I always forget and move on to some other train of thought. Thanks for listening.

[danvssomethingorother]

About The My Immortal Drama going on

I have been doing a lot of digging around in the my immortal drama and while the supposed author lied about a lot of things, there is no way to prove or disprove if she did in fact write My Immortal. 

But she did lie about being Native American and being in foster care but she did not lie about being abused as a child. Her brother came forward and set the record on everything straight recently. He did so on Kiwifarms and it is not a good place to be. Its filled with a lot of rude bullies.  So please be cautious if you go there looking for answers.

The rest of the story under the cut because its very depressing. Warnings for Child abuse, mental abuse and referenced CP.

So here is what the brother had to say about what really happened and how it differs from what the memoir, Under The Same Stars, was going to portray before the plug was pulled because the truth came out: 

“Back on my PC. As I answer this question, so too will I answer the question of her being in child pornography OP posed - an answer I stated was laden with my biological family's tendency for mental illness. There are three big mentally ill players here: our maternal grandmother, our mother, and my sister. Since the mother was born, the grandmother mistreated and abused her. The grandmother was drug-addicted and quite manipulative and harsh - she knew precisely where our mother's insecurities lied: her intelligence and ability to find a significant other. The grandmother would frequently let lovers abuse her, as well. The mother did not finish high school, instead leaving home at 16 and finding our biological father, an illegal alien from Greece whom she wed. But she wasn't mentally well. The mother never progressed past the mentality of a child, whether it be in articulation, emotions, or her idea of love (obsessed with the likes of fairy tale romances). She basically knew one thing: she was either enraged or content. When she wed our father, she elected to move into an apartment downstairs from the apartment our grandmother owned, despite their history. Such was her desire to be loved. Such was her desire to belong. She even named my sister after the grandmother, Theresa (though the sister always went by Terry when I knew her). Four years after having my sister, the mother had me (this is perhaps the most easily verifiable of my sister's lies in her memoir - why the hell claim there's a seven year difference in our age for anything other than to create a more dramatic "rescue quest?"). At the same time, though, her rocky marriage to our father finally ended. With it, her facade of sanity created by the contentedness of her marriage did too. For the next seven or so years, the mother would frequently enter bouts of "black rage," as one of her lovers termed it. Although she would never strike us in this time, she would uncontrollably yell and destroy the environment. It's also worth noting that she had rants practically on repeat, for want of better words. She would recite the same stories verbatim (and I mean verbatim) of how the world wronged her since her youth, again and again, if not daily then at least every other day. Of note, she would in her anger, again a la a tape recorder, state that my sister and I were the causes of her life being horrible - making her desire suicide or to never have had us. I truly believe this affected my sister deepest of all, in addition to the fact that the mother would never apologize for her actions, always saying roundabout things to my crying sister along the lines of "I'm sorry you thought I was mad" or "I'm sorry you don't understand." Recall that for the entirety of this we lived right underneath the grandmother. Particularly as the mother had to work more frequent hours, we would spend time more frequently with her - often days straight. In this time, despite my youth, I noticed my grandmother and sister had a strong connection. They would often exclude me from the room to talk privately. It was during one bout of eavesdropping through a door that I heard the grandmother telling my sister about things that happened to her that she was too young or traumatized to recall: being raped by our mother's lovers, it being filmed, etc. To say the least, my sister had a sincere hatred of our mother by this point (and as I stated previously, I cannot blame her). In addition, they were preparing for a custody battle with my mother. Once the grandmother was closer to initiating that battle, she began having private talks with me. I was only 7 or 8 at this time, and she likely deemed a different methodology was necessary with me. She told me I needed to tell the people we were to talk to soon that our mother beat me every day (there's an irony here) and encouraged me to let her boyfriends touch me sexually. She assured me it was so she could protect me. As the charges drew nearer, even my sister began having this conversation with me. The long story short is that my grandmother won custody of our sister but not me because I didn't corroborate their claims. Neither of us was ever in foster care, unless you want to really stretch and consider the grandmother somehow to be a foster mother. Part of me believes my sister believes the rapes/child pornography to have happened. Perhaps there is extant evidence I am unaware of that even proves it did. I only know that if the courts had such evidence, there is no way our mother would have retained custody of me. But in the context of all other things my sister claims - editing our ages to make me younger for dramatic effect, claiming she has never been able to find me despite me reaching out to rejection from her since then (as well as me being a Google search away), claiming Native American ancestry and subsequent mistreatment in foster care that never occurred, claiming to have a host of debilitating diseases insofar as she could be called disabled, and being so very public about these things on the likes of tumblr suggests another thing to me. I believe she has the same histrionic tendencies that those who commit Stolen Valor do. Just as the men falsely claiming to be veterans truly want it to be true that they are heroes and desire so greatly the adulation and sentiments that come with it, so too does my sister want to be a tragic hero that any who hear her story offer compassion or pity for. I also believe, just as men who commit stolen valor so deeply subsume the facade that their world comes crashing down if it is broken, this too is the reason she avoids me, uses a somewhat false name on all her authorships, and uploads no pictures of herself anywhere (you'd see she's whiter than wonder bread). I am uniquely able to shatter the story of her memoir as I do to you, my fellow lolcow watchers. This all breaks my heart because to finally answer the question, she was brilliant but angry in our youth. She couldn't connect to her peers very well. She was a loner but desperately wanted kinship. If she was aware of her gayness back then, she wasn't open about it, because she loved brooding pretty boys to death. Her anger got gradually worse: she hated me more and more as we neared the custody battle. Like I said, though, she was brilliant. She could have easily skipped grades, and she imparted knowledge beyond my grade to me such that I too was offered to skip grades (our mother refused). It's a shame to see what she's become. She had a hard childhood, without a doubt. It's worthy of telling truthfully alongside her claiming the fanfiction in and of itself in a memoir. Instead, she has concocted a nobler and more melodramatic "quest to find me" that stems far from its kernels of truth (like our separation). She should be so much more than she is. Tragically, her mental illness seems to command too great a control of her life... just like her mother... just like her mother's mother. This isn't about me, and I won't powerlevel about myself unless it's relevant to her. But if you have the question of whether my account is reliable given the genetics I share with the trio of women, I cannot blame you. I can only afford you this: I have dedicated my life to distancing myself from all family, and I've very gladly succeeded. I've no desire to ever be known for tragedy or heroics of our childhood. “

Source

Like I said, Kiwifarms is not a good website to go to. So please head my warnings if you want to see the thread for yourself. There is a lot of really disgusting things such as ableism and racism and homophobia in this thread alone but I did want to learn the truth, so I went there. From the links of this article.

Under The Same Stars would have been a lie but I still feel for this girl and her brother. They went through a lot and I just came out of all this depressed just wanting some silly fanfic drama.

Is she the author of My Immortal? There is no proof one way or another. Her brother wasn’t there at the time she would have wrote it but she did go by the name of Terry in her youth. 

Her accounts are gone, Under the Same Stars was pulled from publication, so if you want to believe Rose Christo is the author, that’s fine. If you don’t, that’s also fine.

I just thought I would post the brother’s claim in this ordeal for those curious and keeping up with this.

Personally, I am going to stay out of it now. This isn’t silly internet drama like I first thought but a really sad story of a broken family. 

I was mentally abused as well by my family and this was just really heart breaking to read.

[hide-the-cutlery]

The Four Horsemen

Today was awful. I felt absolutely manic. I was irritated. I was pissed. I was emotional. I was throwing things around while cleaning. (Side note: if you ever want to add some aggravation to your life, try organizing hangers and putting them neatly into a box. Jesus fucking Christ.) I posted a comment on Facebook that turned volatile, where I ended up calling about 25 random strangers idiots, just because I felt like bickering. Talk about backfiring — it essentially wound up with people just picking on me. I swore out loud, loudly, which I knew would upset my parents. I went to the gas station to smoke a cigarette, and when I got home, my father just happened to be in the hallway in front of my room, no doubt trying to look casual, but with the intent of smelling me to see if I smoked one. I think my mother is frightened of me because I couldn’t contain an explosion of frustration I had when I was trying to talk to her and had to force myself to try to speak in a calm tone. I also think she is judging me because I couldn’t stay awake during the afternoon, mostly due to a medication increase. She flat out told me I’ve been loopy the past few days and that it scares her. It’s equally upsetting that I’m only trying to feel better, but it’s scaring people. I’m still trying to adjust to the increase, and after reading up on the medication, the risks and side effects are scary and just plain suck. I’m already fat enough, I can’t wait to gain more weight. Nothing seems to satiate me; I was contemplating making a bagel a few minutes ago. At 2:30am. It would figure that just as I feel like I’m ready to start dating, even though I’m disgusted with my body, I now get to be even more disgusting and insecure. Fucking hell.

The meds are giving me wild dreams. Last night I dreamt I was Baker acted and learned that the cops had been called on me several times, but had gotten stuck in traffic each time. I know I physically attacked at least one person and stabbed my mother. In my dream, my parents had also moved me out of my room and into another. (This has actually happened in real life, but I knew they were going to make me switch rooms. After being in their house a few months after I got out of the hospital, I was kicked out of my room, which I grew up in, and moved into my sister’s old room. She still had a child’s bed when she moved out. So now I’m 32, sleeping on a child’s bed, in my sister’s room, while she’s off living in her nice apartment and getting a useful degree and thriving without a battle with addiction and her mental health. She’ll probably never end up broke, with a useless degree, living in our parents’ house, like I have been the past 2 years because I can’t fucking take care of myself. Anyway, the reason I was relocated? My mother wanted to keep the “guest” (my) room nice for when guests come. Which has been once in the two years and some months since I’ve been here. And it was my grandparents. Clearly I’m still holding a resentment towards her about that, but I seem to have gone on a tangent — back to my dream.) The rooms in the dream weren’t in a house, but in an apartment arranged like the one I spent my freshman year in, except the shapes and sizes were different. The one my stuff was put into while I was at the mental health facility was very strangely shaped and extremely small. Occupying my old, larger, square-shaped room was a girl I used to work with, who I always hated out of jealousy. She began the same position I held about 3 years after I had been hired. I had been promoted by then, so I technically outranked her, but she was the fucking golden girl in my old office. She could do no wrong. The sad thing is if I wasn’t so jealous of her, we probably could have been friends. We even discovered we had dated two brothers! Within months, she was going to conferences around the country and Canada. I was never sent on a conference — just medical leave. Yes, my old boss actually told me I needed a break, and I had to stop working and go on short-term disability for 6ish weeks. I know she was trying to save my ass, because the quality of my work had slipped so low it was probably a fire-able offense, but really now, how many people are told they can’t work until they get some rest and time to focus on addressing some of the stress and grief they are obviously experiencing? I was even sober at the time. Well, what I mean by “sober” is that I wasn’t drinking. Getting so fucking high on Xanax every day, though, that’s a different story... I was getting drunk again by the time I came back to work.

My dreams are terrifyingly realistic. They usually follow the same storyline: I end up involved with a group of male friends and tend to gravitate towards one. He is usually aloof; I spend time with the rest of them to get closer to him. None of them are real people, but creations of my own, lonely mind. It’s funny, but the dreams usually involve Star Wars or WoW. That, or I dream about my ex or old best friend, who I was in love with from my junior year of high school and well into college. Sometimes they blend into one person, which isn’t that strange. They reminded me a lot of each other, and I’d give anything to have one (or both) of them back into my life. Their family is usually around, and more times than not, they are focused on a girl that is not me. Everything feels so real, and I believe I’ve written before about how, even in the dream, I feel/think it shouldn’t be another goddamn girl. It should be me. Often I will become violent towards the other girl, if given the opportunity. I even experience a sense of betrayal that carries on long beyond the dream and into the reality I am sometimes cursed with upon waking. And, of course, I have drinking dreams. Not so surprisingly, it’s actually not only drinking — I’ve had dreams recently about pills and even coke (which I’ve only done 3-4 times!). I have a friend who sees the same psychiatrist as I do, who told me he can prescribe me something to stop the realistic dreams, but honestly, I don’t want that. The pathetic truth is I like my dreams. It’s a way for me to have the opportunity to interact with people I desperately miss, even if it’s painful on occasion. It’s a way to lash out at people I’m angry with without actually doing so. It’s a way to drink and use (although those dreams are usually a saga of finding and keeping the stuff instead of actually having/using it). It’s a way to escape the life I’ve built and despise.

Sometimes I feel like I only live for other people. When I step back and observe my life, it’s often hard for me to point out something I enjoy or that brings me happiness (besides my kitties), including friend/relationships (unless turning back time was realistic). There are are voids in my heart and soul I fear will never be filled. I know I have people who love me and want to be in my life, and I’m trying to let them come in closer instead of pushing them away. The reality, though, is this: I don’t like my life and feel I could never be content unless I morphed it into my old one. I miss the familiarity of it. I miss days on the couch, just watching tv and chatting with people. I miss having my cats inside with me. I miss being the boss. I miss gaming, cranking up my music as loud as I want. Watching, doing, wearing, fucking, leaving, buying, smoking, drinking, taking whatever/whoever/wherever/whenever I wanted. Being messy. Isolating. Escaping. Again, the brutal truth is that I wanted to go out today. I’m sick of relying on pills so I don’t have to face reality. I hate that I can’t face reality — that everything needs to be tuned down so I can function. As I was looking at my life today, I contemplated for a while what I could change to make it enjoyable. “Happy, joyous, and free.” I couldn’t think of anything, and maybe there is a possibility that it’s simply not comprehendible to me at this point. Maybe I’m just not that far along in my healing/recovery yet, and lord knows I need treatment for having BPD or bipolar disorder or whatever the hell theydecide I have as well as the anxiety, panic disorder, depression, substance abuse problems, OCD tendencies, impulse control issues — they being anyone who takes care of me in some sort of fashion. In other words, all my providers.

They have all told me that I cannot drink ever again because my liver can’t take it. I could be dead in weeks, months, a day, who knows. Regardless of the time, I won’t make it out alive if I decide to go for a trip down memory lane. One of the only times I’ve seen a look of actual concern in my psychiatrist’s eyes (his voice is level, calm, and almost caring, but his eyes betray him) was while he was telling me “you don’t want to die from liver failure”. My primary described to me what would happen as my organs would begin to shut down: unbelievable pain, weakness, fluid swelling my whole body, bleeding out from the veins in my throat, no hope... But I don’t want to go like that — in a hospital, attached to monitors, needles under my skin, aides, nurses, doctors, family all shuffling in and out, everyone knowing by my yellow eyes and skin that I did it all to myself. Imagine the shame! No, I’d rather it be like being found on the bathroom floor. I feel like I wouldn’t be missing a lot. How much is there to miss in a world you can’t face? In a reality where you can’t think of a single possible thing to, not even realistically, but hypothetically change to make you happy? (Besides the time thing, or undoing a hell of a lot of bad memories from awful, unfair experiences). Maybe it’s my disease, as they call it, talking. Maybe it’s just something I’ll have to experience instead of trying to imagine. Maybe it’s a lot of things, but all I can possibly fathom, a life beyond my wildest dreams, doesn’t add up to the responsibility I imagine I have to stick around for others. Sometimes, all I feel is Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair. No one knows those feelings like I do, or I should say no one experiences them like I do. My feelings are intense — too intense, I’ve been told by therapists. So yeah, Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair push me to wanting to go out so badly sometimes. One last hurrah, and then just end it, but I couldn’t live with the guilt I’d feel. What if it persisted through death? I couldn’t handle that, but ha, I’d be shit out of luck at that point. I suppose I should note that these intense feelings were much more present earlier, but now all I feel is grogginess. It’s 4:40am. I think I’ll read this over once, even though I know it’s confusing, choppy, and just bad, and then try for some sleep. I know my dream self has people she’s waiting to see.

[philcoulsonismyhero]

So here’s the thing. I graduated a couple of months ago. I now officially have a BSc in theoretical physics. But it’s an ordinary degree. It’s not an honours degree, and it’s definitely not the MPhys degree that I should have gotten. And that’s because I failed. I failed a lot of exams, and didn’t sit other ones because there was no point in putting myself through the stress when I knew for a fact that I was going to fail again. And that wasn’t being defeatist, that was being realistic. So after four years at university, I got an ordinary degree.

After four years of university, I had planned to have a masters degree.

But I failed. I fucked up. Because of a whole raft of circumstances relating to only getting my autism diagnosis after royally fucking up my second year of uni and then being fucked over by the uni’s disability service and just generally having no idea how to study because I never needed to before. I aced school. I did extra exams every year that they would let me, and I got straight As. And I barely had to study at all. Then uni comes along with its ‘self-guided learning’ and lack of the structure that had let me thrive at school, and I crashed and burned. I went straight into second year because of my straight As in my final year exams, fucked up third year, was thrown into fourth year anyway. A retroactive interruption of study after the first semester of fourth year went as terribly as you’d expect did no good, because then I had even less structure. Repeating fourth year (now actually in my fourth year at uni) was a non-starter. I ended up not doing half my exams because there was no point. I only got a degree out of the whole mess based on accumulated credits from 2nd and 3rd year.

I didn’t try my best, I didn’t work hard and fail anyway, I just failed. And I’m slowly trying to convince myself that that’s okay. It happens. Sometimes something you thought you’d be great at turns out to not be for you, and that’s okay. Sometimes the standard path through life isn’t for you because you have a disability and that means you’re not a standard person. A type of learning might not suit you, and that’s okay too.

And I’m getting there. I’ll eventually maybe be okay about the whole thing. It’ll help once I actually have an idea of where to go from here, because right now I’m directionless and it’s big and scary and difficult to process. And I’ve got people in my corner who’ll support me regardless of what comes next.

But then every time I’m starting to think that being okay is an achievable goal, I remember that my dad exists and he’s being utterly fucking useless and is in fact actively causing me more stress than any other thing in my life right now, and suddenly I’m Really Not Remotely Okay.

I’ve seen him four, maybe five times in the last year? The most recent time was a couple of months ago in May, around when I’d made the decision that I wasn’t sitting my last batch of exams because there was no point. But it was for only a few hours over lunch and his fucking girlfriend was there so the sum total of things I was able to say to him as my parent was two sentences about that decision before the subject was changed. Because he might as well be a stranger when Lynn is around. She’s definitely a bloody stranger, that’s for certain. I have tried to find something likeable about her, something we could talk about, anything to move her from the category of ‘adult stranger’ to ‘significant other of person I care about’, but nope. There’s nothing. And when she’s around, my dad isn’t my dad. He’s her boyfriend. It’s jarring and unpleasant and there is a reason that I’ve gotten so angry and uncomfortable that I’ve had to just straight up leave when I was supposed to be spending time with them.

And what has my dad done about the fact that I did something so enormously out of character not once, but twice? Absolutely fucking nothing. He’s not even mentioned it, not once.

And do you know what else he hasn’t bothered to do? Ask anything at all about what my uni situation is. All he knows is that I didn’t sit that last set of exams. Did he bother to ask about what that meant for my degree, or whether I’d be graduating at all, or even think that maybe I might be graduating and there would be a possibility I’d want him to be there? No. No, he didn’t. For the record, I got my degree in the post. There was no way I was celebrating something that as far as I’m concerned is a failure, not an achievement. But does dad know that? No. He didn’t even bother to find out. No thought whatsoever for the slim possibility that I might want one of my parents at my graduation, no thought that I might feel bad about not achieving what I set out to and it might be nice to have some parental reassurance.

I have gotten absolutely no communication from him since that one day in May when he and Lynn had lunch with me and my sisters. A lunch I very nearly didn’t go to because there was a very distinct possibility that I’d end up storming off for a third time.

And then yesterday morning I got a text. A text that was quite clearly sent to all three of us (my sisters and I), asking when we were going to be free over the August bank holiday weekend, and that was it.

I don’t think I want to see him? I don’t think I can deal with hanging out for a few hours and letting him pretend he’s being a parent, all the while completely avoiding any topic that might require him to have a conversation that’s even slightly emotionally engaged. I’d like to have a proper conversation with my father, maybe even yell at him a bit because he quite frankly deserves it, and if that’s not going to happen then I don’t want to see him. 

I want my dad back. I want to go back to the couple of years where I genuinely would have found it hard to choose between my parents if it had come to that. Because the man that shows up once every few months to play act being a parent quite frankly isn’t worth my time.

But I don’t know what to do about it? And that’s the worst thing. I have no idea how to confront him, no idea how to communicate any of this, no idea if I’m even capable of yelling at him because I spent so long playing mediator and being the quiet and reasonable one that I’m straight up physically incapable of raising my voice. I was Mum’s shoulder to cry on, the person Dad could complain about Mum to, the eldest sibling who acted as a buffer and reassurance to my sisters, and somewhere along the way I either lost or just never developed the ability to shout at people. Along with ‘learning’ that shouting never solves anything, that getting angry is counter-productive, that dumping your emotions on someone else is selfish and might hurt them more than it helps you...

I was fifteen when my parents actually divorced. Meaning that the years and years of build-up to that, the years and years when I was the mediator stuck in the middle? I was even younger. I was a child. There’s nothing fair about that. And it’s almost definitely why I didn’t even realise I had problems of my own until I was at university, because before then I’d been to busy dealing with everyone else’s shit to pay attention to myself.

And another consequence of that is that dad has never actually lived with me while I’ve been having problems. He’s just showed up every few weeks (later months) and spent a few hours with me, during which time I was more concerned with spending time with the parent that I missed horribly than talking about any issues I was having. So he’s just. Oblivious. He hasn’t bothered to try and understand the true nature of my circumstances, the actual consequences of my having a disability, the fact that I genuinely have trouble with things that he’s just been assuming I’ll be capable of doing. It’s not nearly as simple as ‘you’ve finished uni, now go get a job’. But he hasn’t bothered to understand and I don’t know how to make him understand and it’s all just building up and stressing me out and it’s Not Fair. It’s not fair and I deserve better from him and it makes me want to fucking throw things because I can’t even scream about it because I Can’t Be Loud and my throat will physically close up on me if I try.

And I hadn’t realised how fucked up that was until I saw a post about that being something that’s a thing for abuse victims. In my case it’s from years and years of being the Sensible And Level-Headed Mediator but I just. It brought me up short, that post.

I don’t process negative emotions very well. Oftentimes I can’t tell what they are other than ‘not good’. But right now I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m angry and they’re all feeding into each other and it’s got to the point where I have to work really hard to not start crying whenever dad comes up in conversation or something reminds me of him.

And I just. Needed to try and get all of this down and release it into the void because never talking about things that upset me is one of my worst bad habits, and it’s going to take a lot of chipping away and working at it to break it. And I need to break it, because it’s not doing me any good at all.

[newhologram]

Uncomfortable suicide talk time...

We’ve lost a lot of artists to suicide lately. 

Even recently, Katy Perry opened up about her own struggle with depression and being suicidal. How she had to pick herself back up again, like many of us do. The decision to keep going can be scarier than leaving. I only know a few of her songs (including the video I was in) and had never seen that side of her, and... well, I hope that more people can realize that for a lot of these artists, actors, singers, etc, it’s a role they play, it’s work they do, and they are still people no matter what mistakes they make or illnesses they have, and they can still hurt. Katy is Katheryn. Lady Gaga is Stefani. Ke$ha is well, Kesha. Kyary is Kiriko. And so on. They can still struggle with their mental health, with addiction, with loss, the pressure of being idolized (and dehumanized), the Hollywood bullying brigade (which includes fans). They can still get to that point where they are no longer able to cope. They can still have badbrain that lies to them, and that ultimately takes them from us. Even Stevie Ryan, trying her best, getting a really cool new kind of depression treatment which she showed on her Instagram a month and a half before her death, lost her fight. Her IG is now full of comments saying how much people miss her and how much she meant to them.

I don’t mean to turn this to me because I’m nowhere near as influential or known as the people we’ve lost or almost lost. But I’ve almost been lost and it freaks me out to think about how easily I could have just left like that. It’s been a constant background noise since I was little due to trauma and growing up with undiagnosed disability/illnesses, by puberty and into adulthood it became ideations and self-harm, and by the time I was 23 with all of my illnesses getting worse and finally getting diagnosed, my hatred for myself and my body, the feeling that I was a burden and a mistake, the excruciating pain levels, it was all so overwhelming. I spent the majority of 2014 in and out of intense depressive episodes, and there were 4 instances where I made a plan to do it, because I felt it was the only choice I had, and I didn’t want to keep being in pain the rest of my life. In anger and a rush of adrenaline, I’d work myself up with self-harm, scribble my note (which wasn’t really coherent, and showed how bad my mental state was) and get in position to do it. Testing, testing, testing, and then freezing. Freezing freezing freezing until I was able to move little by little, and get back in bed, crumpling into a crying heap. 

Because I didn’t want to die, really. I just hated myself so much and wanted to stop being sick and stop being a problem—and I thought the only way was to stop living at all. I felt like the universe was kicking me around. “Oh, you’re finally starting to bloom? Fuck you, now you’re sick.” I think that if I didn’t have my cats or my nephews, I wouldn’t have had felt much reason to stay. I thought of Jeremy looking for me. I thought of my sister trying to explain to my nephews that I was gone. And I thought, I can’t do that—I need to be here to take care of my cats and to help inspire my nephews. It was never about me and my right to life and my value, it was always about an obligation to others. 

Eventually, I got a little better. I had a sense of purpose, I worked through so many shoots in horrible pain and told myself, “I am on the right path.” But even then the whirlwind of depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and chronic pain still kept me clinging to my life raft during the extreme highs and lows that I switch between all day long. I pushed and pushed and pushed until winter 2016 when my body gave out again, and suddenly I was faced with my birthday and a new year. 

A new year. Another year of pain. I thought, “I’ve been doing this so long now. I don’t think I can tolerate it anymore.” In January the night before I decided I was going to see the atlas specialist, all I could think about was leaving. I had had another fight with my dad, and he said some things he didn’t mean but that made me feel so empty, so much hate for myself. If my friend hadn’t been over that day I would have done it then. But after they left I stayed under the covers motionless to try to survive (”if I don’t move, I won’t kill myself!” somehow, there is just a tiny bit of “me” still in there enough to do things to try to stay alive), barely able to feel when my dad came into my room to touch my shoulder, to promise me that he was going to help me, that I was going to be okay. 

Even after the atlas adjustment gave me hope, I fell again as spring ended and summer began. Even just a few weeks ago, I was in a bad place once more. I felt again that I didn’t want to keep doing this. I didn’t want to keep forcing myself to be in pain just for the sake of not making other people sad. I felt horrible that they would be sad if I died, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t deal with my spine problem, my illnesses, my weird brain making it impossible for me to connect with people, the crushing loneliness. I knew exactly where and how I was going to it, with what, and what each step was, even up to calling the police so that they could find my body before anyone else did. I had everything worked out. My bank info, even. I considered everything.

I got myself some snacks and I went to the park. I thought, “how about I just eat and drink some fancy water and people watch until sundown, and see how I feel?” I didn’t feel at that point that I could beat it, but I thought, let’s just wait and see. Maybe I’ll get bored and want to play video games. I sat on a bench and munched on crackers. I napped in my car, sweating in the heat, spine on fire. I listened to the kids screaming on the playground.

Suddenly it was dark. I sat up and the park was black and empty except for a mom and her son, sneakily lighting sparklers because they thought no one was around. Two little frizzy lights in the darkness, and flashes of their smiles.

I still felt awful. I didn’t want to show my face at home. I had already left a long letter to my father carefully explaining that I was basically at the end of my rope and was no longer able to cope with being sick all the time, with being stuck in bed in pain my entire days off, with not being able to put my all into my career no matter how hard I tried, not making much money, and that him constantly fighting with me made it all worse—I acknowledged that I can’t change him, I don’t have that power and if he wants to change then he needs to make that choice and get help—but that it doesn’t mean that I should have to take his abuse just because he pays the rent and pays for most of my appointments. That me crying and wishing I was never born is not being ungrateful for everything he’s done for me. 

It’s pain. It’s pain and fear and guilt. 

And that’s the myth about suicide. It’s not really relief. 

“In AA, they call it playing the tape: encouraging alcoholics to really think through in detail the exact sequence of events that will occur after relapse. It’s the same thing with suicide. To play the tape through is to see the ultimate reality that suicide is not a relief at all—it’s a screaming, agonizing, horror.” x

I know that it’s impossible to make promises about something that is mostly out of our control—but I’m happy to still be here, because I want to be, even when my brain constantly tells me how Symbolic and Cool and Meaningful my suicide could be. (Literally, suicidebrain is... weird and thinks weird not true things. This is illness, folks. It sounds crazy because it is.)

And for those who have also been there, I’m glad you’re still here too. Please, please, please, it’s hard and the world is unfortunately set up in ways that make it hard for us to talk about this and get help. But please, try. Try to stay here with us. Even if the only thing that helps you through an episode is sleeping all day or a video game binge, at least you’re here. 

And please, if you do get to that point, call a crisis hotline. Talk to someone. Do what you can. It’s hard but please try. For yourself, above anyone else. 

[cedar-king]

Little Thieves

*coughs* Well, took me only over half a year to finish this little chapter. :'D Big sorry for that, but I was out of the fandom in general for a few months, but now I'm (maybe) back! The chapter is a little bit bumpy, since I wrote it over a long stretched time, but I still hope you like it.

Marianne had been in her new home for a week now and it was safe to say that she had herself settled in.

Everything that a good household needed - like electricity, water and internet -  was running, her stuff was all unpacked, broken bulbs were replaced and her refrigerator was full of stuff, some more healthy than others. She didn't worry about the heater. It may be just early spring and it surely was colder in Scotland than she was used to, but Marianne simply put on another sweater. 

Since her low school-qualifications weren't much worth here in Scotland, Marianne had already asked in a few of the stores for a part-time job. The biggest grocery market finally had given her a chance and had appointed a few training days next week to see if she could be helpful. Should she get the job she had something to hold her over water for the next few months, after all she had to pay no rent. But she would try to save up money for a car. In the next big city was a school and Marianne hoped to get a graduation that would help her to start a career. In which direction she had no idea yet.

But that could wait. For the moment Marianne only wanted to enjoy her new life, being her own person again, doing the things she always had liked to do.

Like martial arts.

As a child Marianne had been fascinated by all the martial-art movies and wanted to learn for herself. It had been one of the few activities her father had approved of, since she could defend herself should she ever get in trouble. She took classes for Taekwondo and even earned the blue belt, until she got together with Roland. He had convinced her that she hadn't needed to defend herself, since it would be his job now. Another thing that she had let him take away from her. 

Immediately after the break-up she picked up her classes again, to vent her anger and also started to take Tai Chi classes at the suggestion of her martial arts teacher. It was a good way to gain a bit of self-discipline and it helped her to control her anger much better. Sadly she hadn't found a studio in her new region yet, but she still could look up for new things on the internet and in the meantime simply repeated the exercises she already knew. And doing this while being on the fresh air in her new garden filled her with so much peace and satisfaction. 

Another thing that Marianne always wanted to try out was baking on her own. 

She was by far no talent in the kitchen. Most of her attempts on cooking had resulted in almost calling the firefighters and so her family and even Roland always had tried to put much distance between her and kitchens. 

In the end she only wanted to try out baking, because it had been activity she always had done with her mother, when Marianne was still a child. She had helped her mother to bake the most delicious cakes and since she had written down all her receipts, Marianne wanted to give it a try.

For her first attempt she had chosen a strawberry cake. Sweet memories of the taste and the countless times she had baked it with her mother filled Marianne's head, but after a few seconds melancholy replaced those. With a sigh she put the book with the receipts aside and put the freshly baked cake, which to her delight it hadn't burned and actually smelled quite good, on the sill of an open window. Her mother had always put a cake outside in the evening, so it could develop it's full flavor during the night. And with the healthy sottish air Marianne was sure that her strawberry care would be absolutely tasty. 

So it was no wonder that she was pretty excited the next morning to finally taste her creation. Marianne was about to take the cake from the windowsill when she noticed that something was off: A lot of the strawberries were missing and the icing was full of little...footprints? Did a mouse or something like that stole a few of the strawberries? She had no idea what the foot or paw-prints of a mouse would look like, but since she lived so close to the forest it was logical that maybe some sort of critter was the thief. With a groan Marianne put the cake on the kitchen-table and scraped the icing of the cake where the prints were. It was a bit sad, but the rest of the cake was still edible. And to her delighted surprise it indeed tasted good. So she wasn't a complete failure in the kitchen.

Quickly the missing strawberries and footprints were forgotten and Marianne got more occupied as soon as she passed the training days in the grocery market and started to work there from every morning to afternoon. At the weekends she would always try out another cake with a different topping, mostly berries and fruits. And every time she took the cake from the windowsill, where it had stood overnight, the fruits were missing and those prints were back.

It became more and more annoying, so Marianne started to place mousetraps with berries and cheese as bait. But to her big confusion there were of no use. In fact they were always disabled and the bait was missing. 

Whatever was stealing her toppings seemed to be a smart kind of critter. Normal traps wouldn't help her much, but how about a more hidden one? 

On her next cake she put slowly drying glue instead of the typical icing. Maybe it wouldn't be edible, but this way the little thief would get stuck and Marianne could finally get behind the identity of it. While she was decorating the cake with strawberries -clearly the favorite of the thief, since they were always completely missing- she mused about what to do with the critter. Killing was no option for her and so she cleaned a big jar, which she wanted to use to capture the animal. Depending on what it was she probably would give it to the local animal shelter or bring it to the other end of the forest. Marianne just hoped she could enjoy a whole, not ruined cake from then on.

~~ Several hours later~~

It had become nighttime. Marianne had turned off all lights on the house, just as usual when she went to sleep. But instead of laying in her bed, Marianne slouched on a chair, hidden behind the kitchen counter and played some games on her phone. The small light source of the device shouldn't scare the thief away and she needed to keep herself occupied. Her mind tended to wander to places or persons she didn't want to be reminded of. At first she had texted with Dawn, told her about her recent workdays and that she had a little problem with a topping-thief. Of course her sister found the whole situation very amusing and even suggested that maybe a Fairy was the thief. They had joked a bit more about the identity of the thief, until Dawn had to get off the phone and Marianne had to occupy herself with something else.

When it became past midnight Marianne was about to call this a night and try again tomorrow, when she heard a very quit buzzing sound. Carefully she peeked over the counter and spotted something hovering over the cake on the windowsill. The moonlight from outside provided her with just enough light to recognize a little creature with four wings, two arms and legs.

Maybe some kind of insect she didn't know? The transparent wings reminded her of those from dragonflies. 

Marianne squinted her eyes to see it better.

No, insects didn't look like some kind of little person. Not that little people would exist in the first place.

She rubbed her eyes, maybe Marianne was just more tired than she had thought to be. But the little insect person was still there and had now landed on her trap-cake. 

And got stuckt, just as she had planned it.

Despite the fact that Marianne was still utterly confused about what actually was that thing on her cake, she went on with her plan. Grabbing the jar she sneaked to the windowsill and didn't waste another second.

"Got you!" she exclaimed with a laugh, when she put the jar over the creature. But in the same moment...

"The bloody hell?"

Marianne was later proud that she didn't squeaked in surprise, but only took in a sharp intake of air and jumped back a step.

"Who is there?" she asked into the dark kitchen. She was sure she just had heard a dark male voice...coming from the windowsill.

Oh, come one, now she totally went crazy. The weird insect couldn't be the one who had talked. But she hadn't heard anyone enter her home, nor did she left on her tv or other devices that could play a tone. And so far she never had people running around outside at this hour.

Well, no need to speculate. If there was someone else in the kitchen she would see it in a moment.

"You have five seconds to leave my house, before I get you. And believe me you don't want that, I'm in a very bad mood right now." There was no answer, but she still hoped that whoever had talked would be go on the run. 

Slowly she walked to the light switch, always looking around if someone would suddenly pounce her. Right now Marianne regretted not to have a baseball bat or something similar with her. 

When she switched on the light, there was indeed no one inside the kitchen besides her...and the thing in the jar. 

There were coming swearings from it, the same voice as before. Maybe she was hearing ghosts?

And certainly she was seeing ones. Because the creature, even with the wings and seemingly scales on its body, was no insect. It really looked...humanoid, even with his action-figure size. 

Marianne walked closer to the jar and knelt before it, so that she was on eye-level with the glass. Now she noticed the - albeit clawed - five-fingered hands, which touched the glass, and the long and pointy face, which was currently twisted into an angry snarl. When it turned it's face to her, she could see the most human aspect about it...the most beautiful pair of blue eyes she had ever seen. 

There was silence between them. Marianne simply didn't know what to say, let alone comprehend what she was actually seeing. 

"This can't be for real," she was muttering mostly to herself, but the little guy seemed to catch it too, since his expression turned to annoyance and just confirmed that he was the voice from before.

"If ye are going to faint, it would be very kind to take that jar with ye."