#if you just accept that she is very flawed the confusion goes away

[remus-poopin]

The confusion about jily goes away only if you accept the notion that Lily was not a morally pure saint

[limerenceheart]

Do you have any thoughts on self aware yandere Dan Heng? Also I really enjoyed your other works so far!

hello! thank you for being my first Dan Heng and for your support! <3 i try to write my works based on the character personality rather than using dark themes to create shock value, so hearing this make me super happy.

i personally think his reaction would be defined by the user's personality whether she remind me of March 7th or MC since they are the girls that he spend the most time with.

trigger warnings - cheating and slut shaming.

accepting requests!

Dan Heng would be slightly shock till he realised that he have bigger problems of being seen as a villain from his previous reincarnation.

At least, she couldn't do anything to him behind a screen, surely he could not be that unlucky.

There was one aspect though that irks him because the user reminded him so much of March 7th when she would do live stream with her friends.

The resemblance was uncanny that Dan Heng would need to hide from March 7th to get his thoughts together before he would reveal the truth to her.

The past already haunted the girl where he was sure finding out about this would cause her to have a meltdown.

Dan Heng doubted that March 7th could keep this a secret and if the crew finds out, chaos will spread like wildfire.

Some things are better left unsaid where he planned to take this secret to his grave.

So Dan Heng decided to be nonchalant about the whole thing and resumed his daily life till one day that the user logged in and seem to be extremely upset since her eyes were puffy.

The young man was uncomfortable when she automatically clicked on his profile and played his voice lines.

To make matters worst, the user proceeded to break down and rambles about an intense breakup.

"Dang Heng, he cheated on me," and Dang Heng was sure that if he have romantic lines, she would pressing the play button non stop.

The urge to run away heightened to a whole other level but seeing the tears streaked down her cheek unlocked a tightening feeling in his chide.

Sympathy ? Jealously? Dan Heng did not know but the sight startled him a lot that he wanted to break the act and speak to her.

The user may have her flaws but she distracted him a lot from his intense thoughts about Dan Feng and she always did clean up the monsters from the streets.

After that, the user started using him as her personal diary by clicking on his profile everyday to tell him about everything.

It was annoying at first but he got used to it and Dan Heng soon developed a curiosity about the outside world.

It's a shame that he could never ask her questions about it.

One day, the user started switching to other characters and her new favourite became Blade.

The worst man to ever exists and his friend decided to latch onto him like glue and Dan Heng couldn't help but feel betrayed at her actions.

It felt like the user just grew bored of him and the realisation made him want to go beat the shit out of Blade.

It wasn't a very sensible idea but the user must be special to him considering he have blew a fuse at the whole predicament.

Dan Heng made the app crashed though by using his spear when he thought that she was going to declare to Blade that he was the best.

The user didn't stay loyal to Blade for long and Dan Heng found his way to appearing back on her screen again.

The damage was done though so when the user played his thoughts about Blade, he snapped.

"Fuck off, you just used me, goes back to Blade slut."

It was worth it when seeing her hurt expression before her eyes widened in confusion, hoping she just misheard him.

[carefulfears]

so ... demons coming right after elegy, in the middle of the cancer arc is a crazy choice and i know it means something. please share all your big brain thoughts on mulder & demons?

well...it's kind of like...in elegy, they're being haunted by the future (omens of scully's impending death), in demons, they're haunted by the past (visions from before samantha disappeared). both are highly metaphorical, and both are intrusive, even though he sought out the second. the first is too much. the second isn't enough. and after elegy it's becoming clear that...nothing will be enough. she is so close to death that she can see it. she can't...hide it from him, anymore. she's been dying for a long time. and she doesn't make him face it. she never has that moment where she tells him to just get over it. she never has that moment where she tells him to just accept it, stop avoiding it. she goes to all of her appointments alone. she bleeds alone. even in elegy when they almost argue over it, she tells him that she is fine, and then she goes outside and cries in her car.

but she's not fine, she's so close to death that she can see it, and he knows that. he's so eternally aware. mulder's fatal flaw is that he can see the world, he understands every underlying system, he knows people and how they think. and when he says "i refuse to believe that," he knows that doesn't make it go away. in elegy, he tells her that he's afraid, and she tells him that she's fine. it is a system established long before this particular death sentence.

in the script notes for the last scene of never again, it is remarked that: “if it were ever going to happen, it would be now. as they maintain the silence.”

the way i see it, never again is when they knew. they are not escaping each other. they are dying together. you are coming down with me. (hand in unlovable hand). and then, in the very next episode, comes a diagnosis. they are dying together. and they are dying now. silence is maintained.

so what does she do, after her diagnosis? she buys a journal, and she writes. she writes him letter after letter after letter. begging forgiveness. begging grace. begging courage.

the page that he found, that he read, this is what it said:

“mulder, i feel you close, though i know that you are now pursuing your own path. for that i am grateful- more than i could ever express. i need to know you’re out there if i am ever to see through this.”

i need to know you’re out there. a few months later, in demons, a gun to his chin on the floor of his childhood home, does she feel that he’ll be “out there”? she finds out she doesn’t have much longer to live, maybe weeks, in the next episode, and she doesn’t tell him. she maintains silence.

there’s so much discourse over the choices that mulder makes in demons…it was selfish, it was stupid, it was confusing…i see people ask all the time why he would willingly do something that causes everyone to kill themselves. the answer, of course, is that mulder wants to kill himself. that’s not new, we all watched pusher. (scully watched too). in redux it’s revealed that the “gethsemane” of the episode directly following demons is not scully’s inevitable and closely impending death, it’s mulder alone in his apartment with a gun.

i’m really uninterested in attempting to moralize these decisions…what’s “selfish” at the end of the world? i think demons makes people uncomfortable. to watch a dying woman care for her reckless partner. i also think that’s…the point.

demons is desperate. there’s an obvious desperation in mulder, of course, but also in scully.

throughout season four, we’re watching scully die. she’s getting smaller. she’s getting weaker. she’s getting sicker. but as it progresses, scully is realizing that mulder is dying too. and it all culminates in demons. and what can she do but be afraid? what can she do but get down on the ground and hold him? what can she do but write about what she fears will happen to him? she won’t be there.

nothing will ever be enough after elegy. and there’s nothing that he can do that’s enough. he can’t save her (so he thinks). and…he can’t solve the quest before she dies. he can’t give her the answers that she’s dying for. demons to me is such a last ditch effort. such a hail mary. she deserved to know the capital t Truth, before she’s gone. and i think they both know that maybe, when she is gone, it will never be found.

[it-happened-one-fic]

Dancing With Visions - Morale - Cha-Cha - Gorou

Author Notes: Yet another Latin dance. This was actually my first time writing Gorou, but I don't think it turned out to bad. The performance in this fic was inspired by Nick Carter and Sharna Burgess’s Cha Cha to “I Don’t Like it, I Love it” by Flo Rida feat. Robin Thicke and Verdine White from season 21 week 1 of “Dancing with the Stars.” Just like the rest of this series, Reader is female. I hope you enjoy!

If you would like to read more of this series, the fics can be found here: Dancing with Visions Masterlist.

Type: Female reader/ dance/ fluff/platonic or romantic /sfw

Word Count: 1461

I almost pitied Gorou, but Kokomi had certainly gotten him this time. But I couldn’t blame the young woman. It had to be exhausting to be constantly asked for advice, and she had to have her fun somehow. So when Gorou had come asking for advice on how to bolster the troops morale, she’d seen her chance.

Telling him that performing a dance for the troops would boost morale and further asserting that learning said dance could be useful for strength and agility training was no doubt a bit of fun on her part. Especially since she knew I'd be perfectly willing to help the fluffy general with his plight as soon as he came requesting my help.

It had been endearing how focused he’d been during every single practice too. He’d given learning the cha-cha his all, and I had no doubts he’d do well now that it was time for us to perform. With that said, though, it was perfectly obvious that Gorou was feeling the pressure now.

Pressure, that no doubt came from the simple fact that Kokomi had been right. The very knowledge that their beloved general was going to be performing a dance had already pepped up the soldiers.

I let my hand rest lightly on his shoulder, smiling as Gorou looked over at me, slightly surprised with pricked ears, before he smiled in return when he noticed it was just me. 

“Nervous?” I questioned him softly, already knowing the answer even as I tilted my head at him.

He chuckled slightly at my one-word question before nodding, “Yeah, I guess I am. I don’t want to let anybody down, though. You included. You spent a lot of time teaching me.”

 I smiled at his earnest words, shaking my head fondly even though I was touched, “You won’t let me down, Gorou. You won’t let anyone down, no matter how the performance goes. What matters is that you're stepping forward and giving this an honest shot.”

He nodded again, smiling to himself all the while, “Thanks, but I still don’t want to do poorly.”

I sighed slightly, not entirely surprised by his words. I’d already seen how driven he was just from how determined he’d been throughout his lessons. He probably wasn’t entirely willing to accept the idea of doing poorly now.

I shifted closer, though, and bumped him lightly with my shoulder. And that was all it took to pull him from his own nervous thoughts and cause him to look my way as I spoke quietly, “You know how Lady Kokomi told you that your fatal flaw is getting too engrossed in battle?”

I eyed him closely as he looked back my way, frowning slightly before he nodded, “Of course I do. I take all of Her Excellency’s advice seriously.”

I nodded, looking away from him and at the stage set up for us, “You do that in dancing too. You get engrossed in your performance, determined to do your best every time. The difference here is that you can use that as a strength.”

I smiled back over at him, half-chuckling at his confused expression before I continued, “If you let yourself get engrossed in the dance, you’ll be able to dance freely without your nerves getting to you, and I guarantee you’ll do well.”

He was frowning, glancing side to side as if he were checking if anyone was listening before he looked back at me in an almost cautious fashion, “Really?”

I smiled at him, relaxed as I nodded in response, because I really was confident in him. Gorou had done wonderfully throughout his lessons and our practice. I had every faith that he could pull off one dance performance successfully, just like how he always returned, victorious, from battle.

He perked up, his ears twitching slightly as he smiled at me before he gave me a quick nod of his head, “Alright. I’ll trust you then.”

And with those words, he straightened, causing me to smile as we both took off. Both of us walking out onto the platform with him to the applause of Sangonomiya’s troops.

We entered our poses behind the screen that would have us silhouetted until it was removed. Me with one hip out to the side and my hands behind my head and him with his legs crossed, one leg kicked out as he leaned to the side and away from me.

He moved to the music first. Matching the beat with energetic steps that carried him towards me before he stopped and pointed my way right as I shifted. And then we both launched into motion, mirroring one another’s steps and pointing towards one another right as the screen was pulled up. Parting in the middle and revealing the two of us smiling at one another to the soldier who loudly applauded. Already cheering on their general as Kokomi clapped politely with a brilliant smile on her face.

Gorou reached out, taking my hand lightly in his and twirling me across the floor until I stopped in front of him. His hands clasping my waist as we both sashayed rhythmically.

It was amusing now to think back on how embarrassed Gorou had been by such motions when we’d first started dancing. By now he was used to them, and barely even hesitated, even with the thunderous applause that almost drowned out our music.

And while it was true that his motions weren’t perfect by any means, they were just fine and perfectly respectable for someone who’d only just learned how to dance the cha-cha.

We parted, smiling as we slid across the floor together. Perfectly matching one another even though we weren’t even holding hands as we danced together.

The beat of the music picked up, and I danced backwards, using the short, lively steps of the cha-cha to retreat away from Gorou, who danced towards me. A smile on his face that made the very idea of him being nervous mere moments ago seem ridiculous, save for the fact I’d been by his side this entire time.

He spun, holding out his hand in a silent request that I accepted with a grin as he spun me across the floor in front of him so that we were side by side once more and stepping lightly across the stage.

He let go of my hand as we continued to dance. Both of us reaching out and tracing our hands up the other’s shoulders and over to their chin as we leaned towards each other. Perfectly comfortable with one another after having practiced for so long together.

I turned, smiling out at the crowd as I danced away from him, half laughing at the way he followed along behind me. Ready and waiting with his hand held up for me to take as soon as I spun back to look at him.

Our hands locked together as we slid, sashaying to the side and grinning at each other. We parted though, spinning to look back at the crowd as we stepped together to the beat.

Without even having to glance at the other, we reached out. Our hands linking together once more as we spun first to face each other, then back out to look at the crowd, and repeat. 

We twirled together, our motions syncing so that we could both reach out to the other one without having to worry that they wouldn’t be there.  

My hands cupping his face and his hands rested lightly on my hips as soon as our rotations ended before we stepped, almost immediately, apart. Leaving us so that we were joined only by our hands that seemed to find one another on instinct.

He pulled me across the floor in front of him before letting go of me. Leaving me to twirl freely across the stage before I came to a stop. Looking at him as he ran, dropped to his knees, and slid over to where I waited. 

I looked down at him as he clasped my waist, looking up at me from his position on his knees with a smile as I laughed, reaching down and cupping his face with my hands.

I found myself bending slightly as he shifted, starting to stand as we both laughed, “See? You did great!” 

He nodded, stepped to his feet, and continued to laugh slightly as we both turned to face the crowd of soldiers whose morale had most certainly been boosted.

And as we bowed, I could honestly say that I suspected that it wasn’t just the troops whose moods had improved. Judging from the smile on Gorou’s face and the way his hand clasped mine tightly, I was almost positive that his mood was also soaring.

If you would like to read more:

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[infernal-heart]

somebody in the comments said “it’s crazy that Asgore can actually tank the real knife” and I know it’s probably just part of the wider glitch going on her but like.

honest to god I think he probably could. like I know he gets btfo’d in real kill everything runs but like. Asgore is not a fucking slack. I see people talking about this a lot but like. despite his kindly demeanor and his malewife boyfailure personality, Asgore is still the king of the fucking monsters for a reason. he is the strongest monster. at least in my mind. he’s just always holding back when we see him fight.

I don’t remember the exact quote but afaik there’s a quote where Undyne says about Asgore training her that she couldn’t even hit him. Which, yeah, makes it sadder that he’s letting himself be stabbed by a child, but it’s also ultimately a credit to his own personal strength in battle when he isn’t deliberately nerfing himself/holding himself back.

I think that’s one aspect of Asgore’s character I don’t see talked about in a lot of circles as much as, I dunno, I suppose I’d like. He’s tragic. He doesn’t want to be killing a kid. He doesn’t want to win. He’s only doing what he is because he thinks it might, somehow, free his people. Another comment I saw says something to the effect of “he even goes so far as to offer to let you be his kid”, which is true! He’s sweet. He doesn’t want to be the monster at the end of the journey.

But he is. And he has to reckon with that. He has to grapple the fact that his decree to kill all humans (note: don’t remember if this is 100% canon) and his momentary vitriol towards them drove his wife away. And, like, that reaction is… ultimately severe, but after seeing both your children, the future of your people, murdered, it’s at least comprehensible how Asgore came to that conclusion, in his blind fury. It’s so very human.

And that’s something Undertale does fantastically. It turns characters literally called monsters into incredibly human, incredibly real people. It’s no wonder why so many people latched onto this game and it’s characters as a fandom, it really has the deep, ensemble cast to support it.

Undertale drops us into a world where the first intro shows us a war between humans and monsters, and then introduces us to monsters as more human than the main protagonist can become. It’s characters react, often, more realistically than we, as players interacting with the world, can. When you kill everybody except for just the tiniest amount, Alphys calls you at the end of the game and says this:

She’s angry. She’s confused. It’s complicated. She has what she has. It’s somebody trying to deal with stressful, bleak, fucking depressing circumstances, and trying to, for just a moment, find some kind of positive. She still hates you. She still says she should’ve killed you. All of these feelings coexist, she’s not just berating you. She’s a multidimensional character: she’s human.

There are other examples of this, 100%. Asgore and Alphys I think are the easiest examples, given their own personal histories with tragedy and deplorable actions, but god dammit even Flowey, a character who is literally described as having no fucking soul, still… cries before he dies. His true face, Asriel’s face, peeks through in his ever-changing visage, and he pleads with you not to kill him.

You do, of course. Or I suppose Chara does. It’s not important. What is is the point that’s being made: or points, rather.

Undertale, for one, shows us a very simple truth: people who are different are human. It insists that they are, by characterizing these people so intensely, that they are made people by their emotions, their actions, their flaws and stupid jokes, their… realness. It insists upon acceptance for all people. And I love that.

Secondly, Undertale points a finger at its player: it turns that message around in the kill everything route, saying: “you killed everything in the underground except for Asgore. Watch what he says.”

He calls you a monster.

And you are one, in the most… human sense of the word.

The king of the monsters can’t see you as anything but one of his own kind. Because you’ve murdered them all.

Through him, the game is blaming us. Really, the whole point of the kill everything route is yelling at the player to stop, and laughing when we don’t want to. It keeps giving us more, and in the end when we want an ending where we… win?

No. We don’t deserve that, we don’t get to get away from this without consequence.

Undertale creates people for you to befriend, and then lets you kill them. But as players, we don’t expect to be punished for killing these people like.. we would be for murdering someone. We aren’t arrested, sure, aren’t put to trial. But Chara takes our options away. They taint our save file. You can’t forget that kind of bloodshed.

Anyways, there’s one more thing to Asgore’s character that I’d like to bring up:

He know’s about resets.

As a video I watched just now mentions, most people only really consciously expect Flowey and Sans to know about resets. That’s fair, they’re the only characters which explicitly mention them. I’d also wager some people think Alphys has some understanding of them, given Sans’ dialogue about readings and stuff during his fight implying that there’s more than him involved with the apparent detection/research into, what does he call it… fluctuations in the time space continuum? Timelines jumping left and right? I can’t remember the exact wording. You get my point, though.

But during Asgore’s fight, you can tell him he’s killed you before, and he just… nods. He’s very solemn in his fight, but this is just icing on the cake. He remembers killing you multiple times: he has enough awareness to recognize that he’s succeeded before, in his grim task, and been brought back to do it again. It’s another terrible dimension to his torture.

He’s a very compelling character to me, not just because his theme slaps, or because he looks fucking awesome. Asgore is the king, and I think he’s pushed to the side a lot. I dunno. Maybe rightfully, especially in stuff which takes place post-barrier opening, I s’pose. I just think there’s a lot there that I don’t see get talked about much. :) teehee

Credit where credit is due:

Images came from this video

Idea to talk about Asgore knowing about resets came from this video (not too hard to figure out the video subject lol):

Anyways! Thanks for reading. I love undertale. I could talk about it a million times forever and I probably will. Have a nice day :)

[cboffshore]

Been glued to Trade Mistakes by panic! at the disco

thoughts on it in a skybound context

Sure! This one is really, really fun - I can see why you're glued to it.

I have this one on the playlist as a Jay song for that odd period where he's sort of glitching back and forth between his two main desires: the desire to make his vision in the ice real by solidifying his relationship with Nya, and his desire to let Nya be her own person for her own happiness. This phase kind of lasts the whole season (some people might even argue that it never actually ends!), but I feel it's strongest before Jay is captured and experiences that reality check.

Of the sections of the song that apply, I think the pre chorus and its transformation in the bridge are the most applicable. This is the pre chorus line I'm talking about:

Simple enough, and a nice parallel to the "take my hand" motif that's so prevalent this season. It's an offer, not quite an order (very much unlike Nadakhan's "give me your hand" line addressed to Nya, but that's a whole nother story), so initially it comes across as selfless... but it's still putting the speaker in place as the hero here. If accepted, this offer puts all the credit on the speaker... but it does save whoever accepts the offer.

The bridge is where this line expands and the meaning shifts considerably, and we see a lot more of what Jay's true motives and warring desire are:

Several things with this part that I'd like to point out:

Right out the gate, the line changes - we open with "don't let me save you". That makes things confusing until we hit the "And I'll pull you in" - because now we're really seeing Jay's desire to be the hero here. Jay's convinced that if he makes the right moves, everything will fall into line, so is it any wonder that this line assigns him more action? This is for those moments where Jay doesn't really take Nya into account - he's acting on his own whims and Nya is, unfortunately, in the blast zone.

The sheer length of the bridge compared to the line it riffs on is important - it's more open and pleading. This is Jay realizing that he has to do a lot more to actually make things right as time goes on. "Save her or feel it sinking in" - that sounds like he's trying to distract himself from his own flaws by chasing her, all while trying to convince himself he's doing the right thing even when he can tell he's not doing Nya any favors (again, nice Nadakhan parallel here).

The two mentions of the speaker being an anchor line up with Jay's few canon apologies and attempts to understand Nya when she does decide to open up. The two I'm thinking of here (lunch break scene and the lighthouse) both share elements of Jay thinking he's helping, when all he ends up doing is making Nya feel worse in the moment - not saving her, more like sinking her. Nya's not in a spot where she needs or wants Jay as an anchor, and yet, here he is insisting he is one for better or worse.

The greatest story line in the harmony breaks away from Jay for a moment - that's just a fun, bitter foreshadowing parallel to Nya's last words.

The lightning line in the harmony is one I forget about sometimes, which sucks - it's so good! This season is really where Jay's insecurities transform into something far more complex than just being shy or silly - he can actively shove them down if he has to, but it takes a lot to get there. But when he does, he becomes a powerhouse and very much brings that spark into the world. He so badly wants to show Nya by winning this that he's someone worth chasing in return. We as the audience see Jay bringing that lightning in his head to the world at large... but does Nya see it? He wants her to for sure.

That's about all I have for this one right now - hope this helps!!!

[bookofmirth]

I think you’re misinterpreting most (not all) of the pro nesta side arguments. “Who was more right ” ties alot with what you said that most of our arguments are con-notated with “well what about this character” which is not necessarily the case. Personally I don’t agree with the idea we were sold as you say that Nesta is intentionally cruel because the content just doesn’t support that. I think you are right in the sense that is what sjm wanted us to think— I mean Nesta says it constantly word for word. But I look at her actual actions and their genuinely not that atrocious she needs to ‘atone’ and keep ‘atoning’ when insert the ‘well what about the other characters’ argument who often antagonize her. If I look at the content the only character Nesta might owe an apology to is Feyre but even then sjm makes it so confusing when she keeps reminding readers Feyre also ‘wasn’t perfect’ but mysteriously because that’s all we get. It’s not that we try to null Nesta’s flaws by comparing them to others it’s that Nesta keeps getting exploited for a character trait that could actually be handled a lot better if sjm could show how she was so ‘cruel’ without having to word for word state it. Which leads to the same critical thinking about Feyre how sjm uses her as a conduit to state word for word what she wants the reader to believe. I can use the Elain scene as an example of how sjm fails to properly convey the idea that Nesta is intentionally cruel with no good reason- Elain goes to her with the hope that Nesta is better and ‘trying’ and tells her to stop being so miserable (which I take personal offense at the insensitivity of the word try when directed at a depressed person) then and only then does Nesta show her how ‘cruel’ she can be. Nesta doesn’t randomly go up to Elain and start telling her things. Which is reminiscent to Nesta’s relationship with those around her (besides Feyre). You have a good very concise idea of what we should understand acosf and Nesta’s flaws as but I think sjm just handled it very badly when the material contradicts and sometimes even makes the ‘acceptable’ characters look worse in the process.

Trying to differentiate between someone's actions and someone's words is not a good strategy because our words do matter. Our words, the things that we say and that we write, those things matter. They have real impacts on people in the world. In acotar, Nesta's words had real, negative, demonstrable impacts on the people around her. sjm didn't tell us repeatedly that Nesta was cruel, she showed us, and Nesta showed us, in the things that she literally said to people. I don't need to list all of them, we've all read the books. But to say that she wasn't cruel just because her actions showed a different story, as if her words didn't matter at all? I highly, highly disagree with that.

Nesta behaves cruelly. 100% there is no disputing that. She said horrible things to people with the intention of hurting them, so that they would leave her alone. She came up with the worst insults that she could think of in order to push people away. Personal, cutting insults that played on other people's fears and insecurities. She could have been having the worst day in the world, and there is no good reason for her to have reacted the ways that she did. Every character in the series has been traumatized, so that reason, while it helps me understand her motivations, will never make her actions - including the words she speaks - okay to me.

The thing is, she doesn't *want* to be cruel. I don't think that it's part of Nesta's personality to be this way, just like drinking to excess isn't part of her personality, and just like I don't think she'll fail to be faithful to Cassian just because she was sleeping with a lot of people for a while. Her cruelty was a coping mechanism. She says at the beginning of acosf that she was getting close to the IC, and she is sad that she wasn't anymore, and that she didn't want to be close to anyone because that meant she might lose them. She was reacting out of fear. The fact that she saved Rhys and Feyre is fantastic, and if Nesta were a cruel person in her core, she might not have. But that doesn't negate or change the things that she said - which yes, do have a major real world (or Prythian world, you know what I mean) impact. That's why imo people have made the distinction between her saying abusive things, and being an abuser. She has said cruel things, but I don't think that it's because she's a horrible person. She did it as a defense or coping mechanism.

Elain goes to her with the hope that Nesta is better and ‘trying’ and tells her to stop being so miserable (which I take personal offense at the insensitivity of the word try when directed at a depressed person) then and only then does Nesta show her how ‘cruel’ she can be.

So Nesta having a reason makes her cruelty okay? I don't think so. That doesn't excuse Nesta from blaming Elain for letting their father die. (Which Nesta doesn't even believe! She doesn't actually think the horrible things that she says, but she says them in order to push people away, to get them to stop trying to be close to her.)

I don't go through the acotar tags so I don't know what all other people are saying, but I just finished rereading acosf, so that's where the majority of my thoughts are coming from. Very quick scrolls through my dash, and the book. I've noticed the fandom is so divided into anti and pro Nesta content that I wanted to give a more thorough look into her character because I think she deserves that after having a book and it getting overshadowed by the ship war. I'm not trying to change anyone's mind, just provide another perspective. Y'all can agree with me, or disagree, and that's fine.

The way that I feel about Nesta isn't really going to change, fwiw. It's just not in my personality (and partly due to personal history) to be okay with people who lash out rudely or cruelly to others. That's a hard boundary I draw for myself.

[alex-just-vibing]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 11, 12, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, 25

(Listen I know this is most of the numbers but shut I'm interested in your OCs)

Oh that is completely fine because I like talking ab them. And uhh I'm gonna pick Amma for them since she's one of the more Fucked Up ones haha (them and Yra lol) (amma uses any pronouns btw)

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget?

When he was little, it was abandoned by their family for reasons she was never able to find out. Luckily, their best friend and her family were able to take her in. His last name was originally Greenwood, but they combined it with Quartz's (Longhaert) to get Greenhaert!

2. What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

Probably that it's genderqueer! He presents very traditionally feminine, so most people tend to default to feminine terms for them haha

3. What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

She won't let himself depend on others. It feels the need to be "strong" and do things alone even when they're suffering (projection much?)

4. When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn?

Fight!

5. How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

As far as he possibly can, and then some

6. How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Not very easily. She has a very strict moral compass, and it'd take something drastic to get it to stray from that.

8. Would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

Probably! They are an actress after all! (They choose the term actress just cuz they like how it sounds better + that's what most people tend to assume for him)

9. Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Pretty much the entirety of The Main Character by Will Wood tbh

11. What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

Sword! And yes, along with being an actress, it is also a trained swordsman!

12. Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

Very much <33. As the leader of her group, he often ends up staying up late and/or skipping meals. And when it was younger, they'd have the tendency to get into relationships with people it knew would hurt him

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

Very High. Like I said, swordsman <33

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Idk.... Probably when Quartz goes through the good ol' brainwashing and is forced to fight it <33 (I have a very loose idea of any story for these characters but I like to put them in situations haha)

18. Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal?

Very close and personal! She can be serious, but he's usually very warm and bubbly <33

19. How does your OC behave when enraged?

Angry tears <333

20. Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

Not usually, no :3

21. Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

Hmmm probably 👍 and idk Not Well probably

23. What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Hardest to process: Pain.

Hardest to express: Worry/Confusion/Uncertainty

24. What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

I mean, if they had never accepted help from Quartz, it most likely would've gone down a similar path as Yra, becoming bitter and closed off etc etc

25. What is your favorite thing about your OC?

How I can just put him in Situations. She actually started as a danganronpa oc (Ultimate Actress) but now it just kinda is... idk, an oc! Y'know?

[practically-an-x-man]

Charles Xavier, Jack Dalton and Kyle Spencer for the character ask!

ooh thank you! let's see here...

First Impression:

Charles: I grew up on the original X-Men movies, so I saw him as a very cool-headed and mature leader for the X-Men, and a good fit to lead the team in difficult situations

Jack: I thought he was funny, and I liked his relationship with Mac. And being big on 70's and 80's rock, I liked his taste in music

Kyle: HOT. Like holy shit. And majorly unappreciated.

Impression Now:

Charles: I still think he makes for a good leader, but after becoming more well-versed in the world of X-Men I can also see how he's headstrong, stubborn, and a little holier-than-thou at times. Though honestly, I appreciate being able to see those flaws. It proves he's a well-rounded and imperfect character.

Jack: My opinion hasn't changed that much, but I definitely have a greater appreciation for his relationship with Mac. He really acts as a wonderful father figure and their relationship is integral to the show. I love the later seasons but they're not quite the same.

Kyle: There's a lot more dimension to his character than the show wants to focus on! Before his death, he's a genuinely kind, goodhearted, and charismatic person. And I'm incredibly annoyed at what they did with him after his death, using him as a plaything for Zoe and Madison when he's clearly uncomfortable with... well, all of it. Man deserved better.

Favorite Moment

Charles: I'm partial to X-Men: Apocalypse myself, and I really like his mind-battle with Apocalypse towards the end and how it leads into Jean Grey embracing her powers. Plus, I love the scene in First Class when they're rounding up all the team.

Jack: in the episode where they go to Chernobyl, Jack starts complaining about the radiation and makes jokes that they'll all develop superpowers. In particular he turns to Mac and goes, "Mac, you'll develop telekinesis. You're practically Professor X already" (and Mac looks confused but you can SEE Lucas trying not to crack a smile). Laughed. Out. Loud. It might be my favorite joke in the whole show.

Kyle: He doesn't get that many moments of his own since he's unfortunately just used to complicate the relationship between Zoe and Madison, but I like the flashback to the tattoo shop and how he realizes he's been put back together. It takes a really heartwarming scene of him goofing off with his frat brothers and turns it into something genuinely horrifying and heartbreaking, and really shows us more of Kyle's view on what's been done to him.

Idea for a Story:

Charles: So obviously we get a lot of origin stories for the other X-Men (Children of the Atom baby!!) but I think it would be neat to get a little more detail in his early days of his mutation, before he grew comfortable with it. I'm sure there's a comic out there that does this, but I haven't stumbled across it yet.

Jack: I get that George Eads had to leave the show and that was how they closed out his plotline, but I'd really like to see Jack's perspective on his time overseas, away from the rest of the team.

Kyle: Uh... Heartstrings.

Unpopular Opinion:

Charles: he doesn't know when to step back. He pushes his students so hard in accepting and managing their mutations, and it usually does help, but it's a very forceful tactic that contributes to as many problems as it does solutions. He's not a perfect leader and shouldn't be treated as such, that's the essence of his character.

Jack: he's really not appreciated the way he should be. He works well as the comic relief, but he's a lot more than just that. He's a great father figure to both Mac and Riley, and his presence really holds the team together. No Jack Dalton slander in this house, thank you.

Kyle: his relationship with Zoe is NOT wholesome. She blew it out of proportion after one night of flirting, and it results in her dragging him around and treating him as less than human most of the time after he comes back. She acts like he exists only to love her, and when it becomes too much to handle, she avoids the problem rather than helping him. He deserves so much better than her.

Favorite Relationship:

Charles: Cherik all the way babyyyy. Though I also really like his long-standing friendship with Hank, it's a really important dynamic that's present in every iteration of the team.

Jack: I really liked the dynamic he has with Riley, actually. He steps in as a father figure and supports her even through her conflicts with her own father, and really shows her the unconditional love and support that she didn't get in her childhood.

Kyle: pass. I like him as a character but he doesn't have any canon relationships that I like, he's treated as an object by everyone around him. This is the main thing I tried to remedy in Heartstrings, giving him a relationship that was genuinely built on mutual respect and care.

Favorite Headcanon:

Charles: does Cherik count as a headcanon? it's basically canon. Aside from that, I hc that he gets chronic migraines from suppressing the presence of so many other minds. This is most prevalent when there are a lot of students at the X-Mansion, since there are so many thoughts to wrangle, but he cares too much about them to make a fuss over it.

Jack: he's learned a thing or two from Mac. He can't quite piece it together on the fly fast enough to use it in the field, but his house is a spectacle of redneck engineering.

Kyle: he tried out for wrestling in high school but dropped out before the season was over because he was afraid of hurting someone. I feel like it just makes his post-death anger and violence issues more heartbreaking, since he tries so hard to be gentle in his first life.

Send me a character

[sapphic-agent]

I was going to ignore this, but eh I've been in a mood lately so let's do it. I'm not anti Aang, I'm Aang critical, but I figured I'd offer my two cents with the assumption that you're seriously asking OP (you're not).

I actually don't dislike Aang or his character at all in the first two books. He has his flaws and those flaws are usually called out by the narrative. We know that he was wrong for rushing his firebending training when it caused him to hurt Katara. We know he was wrong to hide that letter in Bato of the Water Tribe because it hurt Katara and Sokka. We know that he's lashing out in the desert because of not only losing Appa, but exhaustion and a feeling of hopelessness (the transition from this to the Serpent's Pass and him finding hope again will always be beautiful). These are all things that the story goes out of its way to address and it's good character development.

(With all development, doing bad things is hardly ever the problem. The problem is if those things aren't addressed and improved. Book 1 especially does an amazing job with Aang (and Sokka and Katara) in that regard)

But Book 3 really buries the lead and I would say even ruins the characterization the first two books built up. Not only because of TSR (we'll get to that), but just a very different approach to him in general. Book 3 seems like a lot of it is Aang having his way no matter what and that's even worse when it comes to his relationship with Katara.

He kissed her during the Invasion, then again during the Ember Island Players. Both times without consent. True, he does get called out in EIP because Katara is confused, but she has no feelings about the Invasion kiss (a big problem with Kataang is the lack of autonomy and agency on Katara's part, but as this is about Aang I won't focus a lot on their romantic relationship)? A moment that would arguably cause her more confusion/distressing? Never addressing this not only does Aang's development a disservice, but it also leads to Katata being put in a situation she wasn't comfortable in during EIP.

And in TSR, Aang severely downplays her trauma (he compares it to losing Appa, which while devastating, wasn't the same because he got Appa back). Then he compares her to Jet who not only lied to and manipulated her, but was dead because he was helping them. Throwing Jet's name out there not only shits on Jet (who again, died helping them), but it also wasn't even true. Katara wanted justice while Jet wanted vengeance. Jet wanted to hurt innocent civilians, Katara wanted to kill the man who took an Innocent mother away from her kids (and who didn't even have the excuse of it being under orders because Yon Rha did it of his own accord). Just because Aang was taught differently doesn't mean it was right nor does it give him the right to police her actions or how she copes with her grief. His culture doesn't take precedence over her trauma.

Which leads us to not killing Ozai. Now, we can argue whether Aang was right or wrong all day (personally, I like that it ended in non-violence because it really sent home the message of peace and healing which I think really allowed the world to prosper). But the point is that everyone- the Gaang, Roku, Kyoshi, Kuruk, and Yangchen- told him that killing Ozai was the only way. And Aang refused to accept it because of his own beliefs. And instead of him being forced to make that choice and having to face his morality, he's given an out that wasn't even alluded to until that episode.

(Even if they had given him another way. Like if someone else delivered the finishing blow for him so that he wouldn't have to compromise his beliefs. An alternative would have made more sense than deus ex machina Lion Turtle. It would have still sent that message that he can't have his way, but that he doesn't have to shoulder the burden alone. Would have made for a good compromise between Aang's morals and his responsibility)

I would also like to remind you, in response to your tags, that there's a point where Aang stops being a 13 year old. What's the excuse for neglecting Kya and Bumi as an adult? They, especially Bumi (who always saw himself as lesser than Tenzin), still carry baggage over it well into adulthood. Aang, as an adult who had time to process and heal from his trauma, made the choice to emotionally neglect his other children because they weren't Airbenders. A possibility he should have been prepared for because it was literally explained to him in the comics that being with Katara meant a lower possibility in airbender children. He could have still taught Tenzin and spent time with him without neglecting the other two.

Cross tagging is not cool. People filter out certain tags as to only consume the content they want and interact with the posts/users they want. You going out of your way to make a statement because you're mad that people don't like your favorite character is petty and childish

how are u gonna be an atla fan but be “anti aang” mf did u watch the show lmao

[badedramay]

Can you do a breakdown of the David/Kim scenes from this week’s yunhi like you did with the last episode?

before that can I just say how glad I am Kim remembered what her father said to her about leaving her a message and by the end of the epi she found it out? warna yeh MU drag ho sakta tha. but it didn't. we can make an educated guess that Kim knows that it's her own Dad who took away her stuff so at least we won't be subjected to her blaming anyone in this "corrupt" country for her predicament.

of course the Sofa™ had to make its importance known this marital bedroom xD i used to confused about just why Kim has made Dawood her zidd but I am getting the hang of it now. while Dawood is also one of those "hamare mulk mein aisa hi hota~" person like every other person in the house..Dawood also has a personality that would easily "fit" in a western world. he's a doctor, he's mature, he's responsible, he takes pride in his self; Kim taunts Dawood for being a "Pakistani mard" but in heart she has accepted him and only him as the only "worthwhile" representation of a Pakistani man. to her this is an experiment. of how much she can push around a Pakistani man before the veneer falls off and Dawood shows him the ugly, regressive side of desi men that Kim is 100% convinced is true for all men all across the board. the marriage is just a means for her to get there.

Kim feels safe in the knowledge this new relationship will have no affect on her. Dawood was rebound for her after her breakup. she has no romantic feelings for Dawood hence she doesn't have any attraction for him that will make her soft for him. she's not naive enough to not what the wedding night entails for a bride and groom but since her heart is not in it, she cannot subject her body to the deed. which is unlike what a good desi ladki will do. the whole "shauhar ke huqooq" thing is drilled in girls' head so much that they learn to completely lock their hearts away. the same goes for desi men. Dawood doesn't have any love for Kim but he has accepted his role as the "shauhar" and with that he has accepted all the "haq" that he has on Kim. he kept reminding her of his position in her life. he IS the husband, Kim CHOSE him to be. her denials don't work.

except..they do kinda do for Kim? like..she didn't impose herself on Dawood. she was asked a choice and she gave Dawood's name. Dawood had every right to say no. if the man can express his dislike for Kim to Kim's face, he can very well express his dislike for her in front of his adults. but he didn't. thus, this gives Kim more power here. 'sure i chose you but you also chose me despite knowing me, you don't get to order me around now.'

and it's not like Kim is completely opposed to the idea of Dawood. she just doesn't like him YET. she says to Dawood na..if one day she'll like him she'll dress the way he wants. and she also says that she will never oblige to any thing that is forcefully imposed on her. c'mon..Kim is putting all the hints out there. treat her nicely and she'll react in kind. make the mistake of pushing her around and she can show everyone just what she's made on. that's gonna be their journey. Dawood slowly and gradually learning about how Kim's heart&mind works and Kim slowly and gradually learning to accept Dawood as he is. both Kim and Dawood are individually not bad people, they have flaws sure but not glaring enough to be incapable of being loved.

i think what Yunhi is also showing through Kim and Dawood's relationship is how all this "raub" of a men only works because the society has rendered women to benefit from it. Razia gets reprimanded by her FIL and even her husband doesn't stand up for her, Razia feels bad about it but she will never complain about it in public. cuz bhale hi she gets scolded by the FIL or not supported by the husband..the two men still are the reason she lives a comfortable and respectable life in the society. these minor insults become negligible them. the same formula can not apply to Kim. because she's not dependent on any men here. look at the morning after scene. Dawood slightly refused to get up and go after his friends as Kim wished him to do and Kim simply said fine, then i'll go to the police myself. she doesn't NEED Dawood for protection or validation. she's enough on her own. the loss of her documents is a minor setback. Kim IS an American citizen. it won't be impossible for her to get the security of her country back once she contacts the embassy; she's most definitely confident enough to get through this long messy procedure on her own.

lol this turned into me pouring out all the stray thoughts i had about the show more than the scenes breakdown xD thank you for patiently reading this!

[honeygold-dew]

Extraordinary Attorney Woo Ep 14: Well.

So I’m back? There was an unauthorised login to my account so I’ve avoided posting here ever since, idk if anything’s resolved? But I decided to just post this since I haven’t shared my thoughts in a while. And wow do I have a lot jumbled in my head right now. Let me just type and see how this goes (once again, from someone on the spectrum).

Firstly, I do think the show is changing direction. What started off with myself as an autistic audience connecting with Youngwoo, because she expresses how she feels, is now turning into a Youngwoo who is being shut out. I feel like the show is not focusing on how she feels and experiences things anymore, especially in episodes 13-14, and is just displaying her as a spectator to things that happen to her.

The Youngwoo I got used to, who I adore from the beginning, is one to give Junho the reason why she wants to break up. She will think of him, she will not want to hurt him, and she will communicate her feelings to him as she has done in the past. I’m not mad at Junho, he’s visibly upset and startled and confused and anyone says anything when they’re experiencing those emotions. This is the most rattled we’ve ever seen Junho, actually. Even when he’s drunk and punching people in bars, he’s sure of himself. This time he looked completely lost and, just, sad. What annoyed me, though, was Youngwoo written to just walk away. He asks and she answers, she asks and he answers, that is how their relationship has always been. Of course this could have been done for the classic *kdrama affect* and they want you to suffer a little more before they get the characters together again, even if it’s out of character for Youngwoo, but I still think it’s flawed writing. Youngwoo can stay in character and they don’t have to get together. She can communicate how she felt and doesn’t have to accept when Junho insists she does make him happy. She can decide she needs to think, needs a break, and needs to discover how they feel when they are not together. That would have made me ache in all the right places, and that would still have Youngwoo express herself.

Arguments can be made the other way, of course. The show is about Youngwoo growing and navigating life, demanding her independence, and that growth isn’t always linear. Youngwoo not expressing herself as much as she used to in difficult emotional situations could be because unlike when she talks about her autism and the experiences she lived through for a while, she has not had time to process these ones. It’s her first relationship, and I myself have shut downs in these types of things, but Youngwoo isn’t known to have shut downs. Very possible for a real life scenario, but I still think it’s bad writing for a show, especially since it’s not shown to us in a way that says Youngwoo is feeling too much, confused and shutting these out. Instead we get… no insight at all into how she feels until secondary characters kind of force her to say it, which I don’t like. If Youngwoo is sad, show her sad. If she cries because of what Junho’s sister said, let her cry. The beginning of the show relied on the fact that she’s a relatable, loveable and heartfelt character. Park Eunbin is an outstanding actress. Autistic people cry. Autistic people worry about how they make others feel. Autistic people stress over making sense of their emotions. This would have been the perfect time to show all of this, in something so normal such as a relationship. This would have been the time both the allistic audience and the autistic audience relates to Youngwoo.

Instead, they make it the time the autistic audience kind of gets escorted to the back and it’s for the allistic audience to go “aww poor Youngwoo :(”. It’s episode 14, pitying time is long gone – it’s relating time. It’s love. Use better cinematography, use better scenes to display emotion, use better writing. This was great in the beginning, did they get slack because of the popularity of the show?

We also have no idea what Junho’s personality is like yet outside of being nice. Since they’ve gotten together we’ve just seen Junho and Youngwoo tackle things, mainly Junho helping Youngwoo out, but I would have loved a scene where Youngwoo asks Junho a lot of questions about himself (especially since she said she thinks about him as much as whales!! She’ll want to know everything!!) and have her make him smile by getting him this cute gift of something he told her he likes, or bringing up those things in their conversations sometimes, or anything really. Something along the lines of Youngwoo, without a question, really liking him more than just the drama showing Youngwoo going out of her comfort zone for him (which is quite significant in itself, but I think it would be nice to see Youngwoo in their relationship more than just her autistic traits). It would have been perfect with this thing of whether Youngwoo can make him happy, too, because we would’ve already seen her actively making him a smiley happy dude in all ways she can and the angst would just,,, take over your chest when the “am I someone who can make him happy?” line settles in, to us and Junho (if the writers were smart and had her communicate when he asked).

Another thing… suddenly Minwoo is a desirable, sweet guy for Sunshine Sooyeon? And they both awkwardly like each other? …God. This was obviously the “second leads get together” thing coupled with them being conventionally good looking enemy characters, but this is so dumb I wanted to see Sooyeon falling for sweet Chef Hairy and laugh at his dad jokes once!!! I wanted to see Geurami throw daggers at Minwoo while they were dating because he was mean to Youngwoo!!! Geurami aggressively getting a guy (however unworthy Minwoo is) and winning!! Minwoo stumbling after her however reluctantly!!! Sooyeon falling for the chef’s food and sincerity!!! What kind of writing is this, to randomly throw Sooyeon and Minwoo in as a couple after zero chemistry throughout the rest of the drama? The rest are so much more fun, oh my God.

Despite all of this, I still don’t really mind the show. It did get taken down from 5 stars to 3.8 in my head but I’m still enjoying it and waiting for next week’s episodes. I said in the beginning that I’m watching this show as I watch any other kdrama with neurotypical leads, because Youngwoo is more than an autistic character and this is a kdrama in nature, and so far it’s been true to that. This has all the great-in-the-beginning-but-sometimes-meh writing of every other kdrama I’ve seen. The amount of things that didn’t make sense (and annoyed me!) in Business Proposal and Weightlifting Fairy and Gangnam Beauty and What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim and pretty much all the lighthearted dramas – but they were still enjoyable dramas despite having their uhh moments, that’s kind of how I feel now.

(I’ve seen much more than those btw, pretty much all, but those are the lighthearted ones I can name at the top of my head.)

Overall, it’s a kdrama. 2521 had the worst writing of the year to me and it was still deemed one of the top dramas of the time (the number of complaints at the end would have got the show kicked off the air but it’s still here haha). If this were not a kdrama this writing would bother me much, much more, possibly be deal-breakers. But if I can handle the kdrama classics which rely on constant nonsensical tropes in the name of love or whatever weirdly traumatising angst for the viewer, I can deal with them failing with Youngwoo’s love and the other love interests for now. Maybe it’s a personal thing since I still want this show to do well. As an Asian it’s very huge that a show about a wonderful Asian autistic women is still so popular and loved, despite the writers making dumb decisions. Every k-pop idol out there is watching this and urging their fans to watch too, so many that I’ve lost count. Youngwoo’s and Geurami’s greeting song is viral in SK. Other famous k-actors are supporting this show every week. Extraordinary Attorney Woo is bigger than me. This show will affect me and how I am seen when I say I’m autistic, and at the very least I’m glad it’s making women with autism seen in a less bizarre, more adoring light. I have visibly noticed a small change since the drama aired. I like the change. I like the conversation. I want this to do well.

The tropes are as frustrating as dramas with neurotypical characters. To other Asians living in Asia I don’t think what I talked about would even be picked up as active downsides, just generic this is usually how these plots go. I have my complaints, which do disappoint me since I didn’t expect the change in direction, the change to what they show of Youngwoo, and they could’ve easily done other things that would’ve had better impact. But it’s not a deal-breaker for me either at this point in time. I do enjoy the show and want to watch it to completion, just to see my girl Youngwoo happy and thriving (with Geurami and Chef Hairy only, Youngwoo’s best squad since Day 1. The rest not invited to the party. Maybe Junho depending on what happens next, but no promises).

Fingers crossed the last 2 episodes next week go well!

[serpenteve]

what did alina starkov want, anyway?

People have been arguing for ages about the ending of Ruin & Rising. One faction says Alina losing her powers was misogynistic and needlessly cruel while the other says the ending is fitting because Alina always wanted to live an ordinary life with Mal.

I would argue the problem lies with Alina's mess of a character arc.

For the majority of S&B and the first half of S&S, Alina is a very passive character who wants nothing more than to run away with Mal. Though they changed it in the show, it was originally Mal who wanted to go after the stag and who wanted Alina to have the stag's amplifier because he thought it would give them a fighting chance against the Darkling. In S&S, Alina is terrified of taking a second amplifier because it goes against all the Grisha theory she knows, echoing the arc words of the trilogy: What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.

It is only when Alina takes the second amplifier that she's allowed to grow a backbone. This is truly a bizarre writing choice because it all but forces the narrative to frame every active step Alina takes to forward the plot and her own character arc---whether that's deciding to rebuild the Second Army, or form a political alliance with Nikolai, or search for the third amplifier, or simply stand up for herself against bullies---as being manifestations of her creeping villainy.

Meanwhile, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there is her Muggle boyfriend who is there to remind us that this is not who she is, that Morozova's amplifiers are corrupting her, that he wants her to go back to the girl she was when she was more passive, vulnerable, and dependent on him.

Surely, there is a line between the heroine learning to trust herself and gaining confidence in her abilities versus the heroine giving in to corruption and becoming more power-hungry and evil? However, the narrative does not distinguish between these two very different arcs. Consequently, the reader is left in a bizarre place where we cannot watch Alina's character arc grow from passivity to maturity without being reminded of how ~evil~ she is becoming, despite there being very little textual evidence to back this up. We also grow to resent Mal because instead of him being a supportive boyfriend who is trying to help Alina navigate her own character arc, he is holding her back from her potential---not just in her powers but also in her personal autonomy.

At the same time, there are sprinklings of Alina's call to her dark side through the Darkling's offer of a throne. Ignoring how sincere his words may or may not be, Alina still feels tempted to join him and frequently thinks about the truth of his words---that she is no ordinary Grisha, that is useless to fight what she is, that she is capable of more than an ordinary mortal life, that he is the only one who can understand the eternity before her. Because readers expect to see a character arc where Alina grows from a scared passive girl to a strong independent woman, we grow to associate her longing for power as a natural evolution of her character development. However, the narrative wants you to believe Alina's development is not a natural progression of her character but rather a corruption due to her greed from the influence of Morozova's amplifiers.

Bardugo completely fails to set up an alternate character arc for Alina where she may grow in power and strength as a character, but does not become evil along the way. Her heroine's arc is completely strangled by the moral panic of the narrative. This is doubly emphasized by the plot: in order for Alina to defeat the Darkling, she must seek out the amplifiers out of necessity. This is framed as greed. In order for Alina to triumph, she must use all three amplifiers, but when she does, she is punished by the plot. But what other choice did the heroine have? It is not like there was some non-evil alternative for Alina to embrace and she deliberately chose the path of most greed. She is not punished for her actions like her male counterparts who seek power. In fact, you could argue, she can't be punished for her actions because her actions are not coming from a place of choice.

At the end of R&R, Alina is stripped of her powers and lives an ordinary life with Mal. As this is the epilogue, one must assume Bardugo meant for Alina's character arc to end in this way. Her character arc is meant to be a cautionary tale against the evils of seeking too much power. This moral aesop falls flat for a number of reasons:

"Power corrupts" is a popular moral message that it's gotten fairly cliche at this point

It's also so heavy-handed, I don't blame readers for expecting it to be subverted because of how much we were hit over the head with it

The strangely gendered way this moral lesson is delivered raises some eyebrows. Are male characters who are actually power-hungry such as Nikolai, the Apparat, and the Darkling not subject to the same punishments the narrative deals out to Alina?

Most importantly, this aesop clashes with Alina's character

In order for this greed corruption arc to make sense, the heroine really should have been an entirely different character who starts off the series with ambition and a need for power. We needed a heroine like Jude Duarte, Kestrel Trajan, or Aelin Galathynius. Someone who is already established as being capable, ambitious, and ruthless. Granted, I still think this would be a shit character arc because of the long history in which female power is demonized, but at least the arc would make sense for the character in the tradition of tragedies.

However, because Alina starts off the series as being insecure and not yet accepting of herself, we expect to see a character arc where she becomes more confident, emotionally mature, and maybe even a little ruthless. We don't expect her to suddenly become corrupted by greed (a character trait she never had to begin with, especially when she would rather run away and hide with Mal than deal with a geopolitical situation) and get punished for being "too ambitious".

To add to this confusing mess of an arc, Alina suppressing her powers leads to her being weak, fatigued, and malnourished. So she must use her powers in order to be healthy, but using her powers is what directly contributes to the rest of her character arc. The heroine cannot win.

In conclusion, Bardugo wrote a book where a naive scared girl gets manipulated into wearing an evil MacGuffin that turns her "greedy" and then gets punished for it, even though the plot offered her no alternative. Alina never wanted power but because a positive character arc meant a complete descent into villainy, we are left with a regressed version of the character by the end of R&R and a whole bunch of readers left scratching their heads about what the hell we are supposed to take away from this mess of a story.

TL;DR: Alina's character arc does not match who she is as a character. She was given an arc that is usually reserved for anti-heroines and tragic heroes with fatal flaws.

[feliix]

Perfect Score ↠ Han Jisung

↠ Jisung x Reader (feat. Felix)

↠ Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, Fake Dating!AU, Childhood Friends to Lovers

↠ Rating: M (18+)

↠ Word Count: 14.9k

↠ Summary: As you return home to work at your local coffee shop, you’re swarmed with couples coming in on lovey-dovey on dates. You’ve always hated the idea of love, but it’s Jisung’s mission to make you change your mind in just two weeks time.

↠ Warnings: idiots 2 lovers, mutual pining, unprotected sex, fingering, soft sex, language, light mentions of marking, mentions of bad past relationships

“That's disgusting.”

You grimace in the most subtle way as you watch the man across the shop press a gentle kiss on the cheek of the woman next to him. For some reason your shop is packed with couples this evening. Not that you’ve been counting, but they’re probably the 50th overly lovey-dovey pair that you’ve seen this just this shift alone. 

To say ‘love’ isn’t really your thing isn’t too far from the truth. Every time you’ve been burned by someone in the past has only made your hope about love deteriorate. Relationships suck. Already been there, done that, and you don’t plan on doing it again.

You’ve always stuck by the same theory; relationships either lead to heartbreak or marriage. And even still, marriage may still end in heartbreak, so what’s the point?

“Stop being so dramatic,” Jisung laughs, pulling you out of your thoughts as he rounds the corner. He’s just in time to catch your snide remark, surely it won’t be the last one you’ll make tonight though. He had just run to the back to get you a fresh package of cups after using up all the stock in the front.

Tonight is busy to say the least. The sun has already set, and it’s the afternoon rush when everyone comes in for their second daily dose of caffeine. And it’s definitely necessary – especially on a day as hot and exhausting as this one. It’s the third day that its been over 100º in a row and the humidity is doing a real number to your hair.

“It’s not dramatic,” you sigh, leaning on the counter behind you as Jisung maneuvers around you, placing the cups on the shelf underneath. In your mind it absolutely isnt. Its a mystery why all these people need to publicly display their affection in a coffee shop anyway...

It’s just the two of you on the schedule tonight. Your boss has always been kind of an asshole, just leaving 2 kids in their early twenties to run the shop by themselves while he went off to do god knows what. There's always been an aching suspicion that he just goes to the bar across the street, since his car is still parked behind the shop but he’s always nowhere to be found. That’s okay though, it's better than him looming over your shoulder and criticizing your technique the whole shift.

“Yeah, whatever you say,” Jisung shakes his head.

In stark contrast to yourself, Han Jisung is quite the hopeless romantic. So much so that he tends to search for love in all the wrong places. Maybe a better way to describe it is that Jisung has a series of flings. He’s not shy to test the waters of any girl he comes across – and there are many, many waters that he’s tested. Lucky you gets to hear all about each one, being his friend and all.

But to your good friend’s demise, his ‘relationships’ never end up working out for very long. Theres always some kind of fatal flaw that’s a means to an end. Whether it was Jisung’s fault or the girls,  it’s always confused you why he could never hold onto something longer than a couple months. Jisung is a great guy, it didn’t make sense.

So great that you have been best friends with him for as long as you could remember. It all started that time in pre-k, where you poured a shovel of sand on his head in the sandbox. Initially, it did make him cry, but he got over it eventually. Ever since, he’s been right by your side, sandy hair and all.

“How much longer,” your eyes roll back in your head, neglecting to look at the watch on your wrist in fear that your shift has a significant amount of time left. The night has been dragging on since you stepped foot in the door and heard the little jingle as it opened. You wouldn’t be surprised if you’d only made it through half your shift thus far.

“Just under an hour. Want to start the closing checklist so we can get outta here?” Jisung offers, reaching for the rag and sanitation bucket at the end of the counter.

Nodding your head, you follow his plan – beginning your mission to clean like a speed demon so you can leave no later than at 8 o’clock on the dot. 

Luckily, closing tonight goes as smoothly as it possibly can. You and Jisung are ready to get out of there at 8 on the dot, thanks to your determination to mop like a mad woman and stock the front as fast as humanly possible. 

The air outside feels crisper than usual. Maybe its because you’ve been locked up in a small room that smells like coffee beans for 10 hours, but you’ll never get enough of the night air. 

“So what are we doing tonight?”Jisung asks, his fingers adjusting the headband that sits just above his forehead.

“I was planning on going home and getting some rest…” you trail off, avoiding eye contact with him. Jisung always goes out after your weekend shifts and never lets up on convincing you to tag along. So you can’t look at him, his eyes are much too convincing make contact with, and you are beyond exhausted from working a double today.

“Gah you’re so boring,” he teases, stopping in his tracks in the center of the parking lot to ruffle the hair on top of your head, “it was an early night we should do something.”

With a deep sigh, you stop as well, smoothing down your hair as a pout forms on your lips. The suggestive smirk settling across Jisung’s face is telling; he knows he’s about to get his way before you have the chance to turn him down or fish for another excuse. So you tilt your head, subtly rolling your eyes as you wait for him to explain what his big plans for tonight are.

“I’ll be at your house by 9.”

Accepting defeat, you shoot him a thumbs up before turning to get into your car. Asking any more questions would take away any time you had to wash up – and smelling like coffee beans any longer is going to drive you up a wall since it hasn't already.

It doesn’t take much time for you to rush home and get ready, and before you know it Jisung is there to pick you up. Only a few minutes late, but that’s just par for the course and right on time in Jisung terms. 

The car ride to your destination feels like a blur with how exhausted you are. So when you end up at your favorite boba spot, you immediately perk up. Those tapioca pearls always manage to give you a second wind.

But when Jisung decides to take a seat at one of the round tables just outside the shop instead of getting back in the car you know somethings up. You were expecting to hop back in the passenger seat of his car, maybe listen to some music for a while and drive around to kill time. 

Initially he doesn’t say much. His legs just bounce hyperactively while he fidgits with the straw of his drink. It’s almost like he’s waiting for you to speak up; his eyes staring down at the cup in front of him instead of sipping from it, lip caught between his teeth.

The energy is off. Not only did you expect to hang out and do something adventurous like Jisung normally would, but now you’re watching his cheeks grow red while avoiding conversation.

Awkward silence becoming too much to bear, you take matters into your own hands. “So how are things going with that girl?”

“Oh yeah,” he sighs, his fingertips drumming along the surface of the table, “she didn’t really work out.”

Unsurprised by his response, you just nod along. Its always to expect since he’s the pickiest person you’ve ever met. His last relationship ended because he thought the girl breathed too loudly. The girl before that had an annoying laugh, and then the one before that didn’t like cheesecake. There always seems to be a laundry list of deal-breakers tied along to each one of Jisung’s relationships, and that is something you’ll always expect.

“You’re probably better off.”

You don’t think much of the words before they leave your lips. Relationships are a ton of work, and you’ve never understood the point of to putting all your effort into something like that. There is a way to just be happy on your own, you know.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” his eyebrows furrowing in response, hands gripping his thighs in anticipation

“You know what I think,” you tilt your heat matter-of-factly, “relationships are kind of just a waste of time.”

“What is with you and all this ‘anti-love’ stuff anyway, Y/N?”

Now thats a response that you are not prepared for. The question catches you off guard, a boba bubble almost catching in your throat leaving you a coughing mess. Jisung chuckles at your discomfort, waiting patiently for you to get it all out and just answer his question, as uncomfortable as it is. 

“I’ve wasted too much time with too many dead-beat guys to even think about love,” you sigh again, your coughing fit subsiding as you reach for your cup once again.

“Not every guy is a dead-beat.”

His words carry a harsh bite to them, almost as if he finds you’ve said offensive. It burns his ego a bit, assuming that you’re grouping him in with all the guys you’ve been with in the past. Which is strange, Jisung should know that he’s different. For one, you’ve never dated him before and two, if he was such a dead-beat you wouldn’t have kept him around for so long.

You aren’t able to talk to guys, or most people for that matter, in the same way that you talk to Jisung. He’s the one you rant about all the assholes to. He knows all the shit that you don’t tell anyone else, he’s like your own personal human diary. Secrets are always safe with him, it's not like he has anyone who would listen to the gossip even if he wanted to tell.

After a minute of silence his expression changes, Jisung’s eyes squinting at you in that ‘I have a crazy idea’ type of way. It’s a look that you haven’t seen very often, and you can’t say that you’ll ever get used to it. 

“Okay then I’ll make you a deal,” he proposes, a glimmering look in his eye that made you somewhat nervous. You never know what you are getting with Jisung, but most of the time his ‘deals’ are on the crazier side.

“What is it?” You still ask although you’re a bit nervous to hear his answer. If his plan is to set you up with one of his delinquent friends or something–

“Be my girlfriend.”

Your eyes widen as the words fall from his tongue, confusion taking over your expression as a small chuckle slips past his lips. Instinctively your stomach tightens, the air around you now feeling a bit heaver each second time ticks on. He can't be serious…

“Your what?”

“Two weeks is all I’m asking for. Be my girlfriend for just two weeks, and I’ll show you that love isn’t as shitty as you think it is.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me” you shake your head, a disbelieving smile stretching wide across your face.

“C’mon Y/N,” he challenges, “it’s two weeks of your life, what else do you have to do? I think it could be fun.”

The quirk of his eyebrow and quick squint of his eyes grabs your attention. He’s serious about this, scarily serious, and you aren’t quite sure how to react to that.

“What’s in it for you?” Your chin falls into your palm as you stare at him, waiting for his response.

“Well for one,” he starts, a sigh leaving his lips, “if it works then I won’t have to listen to you complain about how much relationships suck anymore.”

Just when you don't think you can roll your eyes any further into the back of your head, your own actions surprise you. If looks could kill, the one you’re giving him right now would surely take him out. He doesn’t pay much mind to it though, he’s used to your sass and just shrugs it off.

“This is an awful idea,” you glare at him as if it will change his mind. You’re certain this experiment of his would not change your own. Love sucked, and that was that.

“Two weeks,” his voice carries a taunting tone, his eyebrows wiggling to entice you into his plan. He isn’t going to give up on this easily, you know Jisung. And Jisung always gets his way.

“Fine,” you huff, “two weeks and that’s it. And if my mind isn’t changed you owe me 3 more of these,” you say, picking up your boba from the table and shaking it at eye-level for emphasis.

His bottom lip catches between his teeth, satisfied with your response. He isn’t exactly sure how he’ll manage to pull this off, but he’s definitely up for the challenge.

“We start tomorrow at 8, I’ll pick you up after work.”

Crossing your arms over the table, you bury your head in your arms. This is going to be the most interesting two weeks of your entire life.

“Wait, you're like dating dating the Han Jisung?” Felix’s jaw drops, excitement prevalent on his face as you spill about your night with Jisung.

Felix is the only person in your life that understood your hatred for relationships, other than Jisung of course. Not that he shares the hatred himself, he’s just heard enough about how much you despise being in one to know just how you felt. He’s only heard about it every day for the past several summers.

Felix is your best friend, other than Jisung of course. He’s also the only person in this world that you could bear to work with on a Saturday morning. 

“That's the plan,” you sigh fiddling with the containers on the counter. It’s pretty slow for a Saturday morning, only a handful of customers have come in so far and it's already 11 am.

That’s the thing about working at a coffee shop – and it sucks when it's busy, and it sucks even more when it's slow. At least it isn't a terrible job, you at least have Jisung and Felix to keep you company and that's always worthwhile.

“And for the record,” you turn to look at Felix, a grin still evident on his face, “I don’t think this is gonna change my mind about the love stuff.”

“You know how Jisung is,” his eyebrow lifts, “so you never know. Maybe something could happen.” 

If anyone was surprised that you were dating someone, fake relationship or not, it would be Felix. On top of that, you’re dating Han Jisung. As in, the same Jisung that ended a 3-month relationship last year because the girl ‘smelled too much like peaches’ and it was ‘too good to be true.’ And now that you’re the one stuck with him for the next 14 days, it is only a matter of time until he finds the deal-breaking trait that turns him away from you.

“Okay no, that's exactly why this is only two weeks. If I know Jisung, he’ll be over it before the 2 weeks even ends.”

“Whatever you say,” the pitch of his voice is raised teasingly. You can tell he doesn’t believe this will be just a ‘two-week thing’ by the funny little look on his face. You hate that look, and you hate how Felix always seems to be right.

Subsequently Felix sees a lot of things that you aren’t able to see for yourself. You’ve grown up with Jisung, grown accustomed to his unique mannerisms and behaviors without even noticing. Felix, on the other hand, has a different point of view. 

He’s not in it like you are, so gets to see the way Jisung looks at you; the way he hangs on each and every word that leaves your mouth with a sparkle in his eye. He notices that Jisung longs to make you laugh. And he watches the toothy grin each that grows on your face each time a chuckle breaks through your lips. Felix notices every behavior that you see as nothing more than ‘friendly.’ But who is he to say? So, for now, the information remains tucked away and stored in his mind for a later date.

Your fingers drum on the clean marble countertop beside you, leaning against it as you wait for a customer to come in. All this time with nothing to do is really doing wonders for your imagination; thinking about what Jisung has planned for the two of you to do tonight. Nothing special, you hope, he really doesn’t need to go all out for this. 

The lack of customers and silence that's fallen among the shop is just making it easier for your mind to wander off. It was beginning to make you sick how much you were thinking about Jisung and nothing has even happened yet. It's not like you have any reason to be nervous, but keeping all these thoughts trapped in your thick skull is starting to give you a headache

“He’s picking me up after work.” You blurt it out without thinking much about it. No one is here, you might as well lay it all out there for Felix to know since there's nothing better to do.

“He’s picking you up? Like you’re going on a date?”

“Shut upppp,” your eyes roll at his teasing nature, growing slightly embarrassed by how giddy the thought of this ‘date’ is making him, and you for that matter. It’s just Jisung. And you are just hanging out like you do every other night. There's nothing different about tonight and you’ll be able to prove that to yourself and Felix by the next time you see him.

The rest of you shift flies by – it always does when you work with Felix. Before you know it, the closing checklist is coming to an end, only a few steps left before you can finally get out of here. The clock had just turned to 7:55 pm, but Jisung still isn’t here. Not that you’re expecting him to be on time or anything, this is still the same Jisung you have always known.

What you aren’t familiar with is the nervous butterflies fluttering around in your tummy as the clock approaches 8 pm.  What are you even nervous about? It isn’t a blind date, other than the fact that you have no idea what you’re doing. And it isn’t even a date. It’s Jisung for crying out loud.

Speaking of the devil, the chimes in the front of the shop ring as Jisung passes through the doorway. You don’t see who it is at first, your back turns to the door as you sweep behind the counter. The chimes ringing at this time of night do trigger your fight or flight instincts though, ready to turn to whoever is approaching and give them a dirty look for coming in this close to closing time.

But once you turn around and see Jisung standing in the doorway with a bouquet of sunflowers, your tension quickly subsides. You swear that you can feel your heart skip a beat, heat rising to your cheeks as you try your hardest to form a coherent sentence. It's okay that you aren’t able to, though, the surprised look on your face is enough for his smile to light up the room.

“I’m here to pick up the pretty girl with the espresso stain on her shirt,” he chuckles, his bottom lip catching between his teeth nervously.

Tonight he’s dressed a lot nicer than usual comfy attire; a nice shirt with a pair of dark jeans that hug his slim figure. His hair is a lot lighter too – a vast change from the midnight black strands that normally frame his face. He’s really going all out for this thing – and right now all that you’re wearing a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt with coffee stains down the front.

When you look to your right, Felix is just as stunned as you are. Frozen in his spot as his jaw practically sweeps the floor, he looks at you with wide eyes, his eyebrows raised as a smug expression crosses his face. For a second you contemplate asking him if he’s all set to finish the closing checklist on his own, but before you’re able to speak up he’s already shooing the two of you out the door.

With a goofy grin displayed across his face, Jisung hands you the bundle of flowers, tied together with a delicate white ribbon. You mumble a thank you, still stunned that he showed up here looking like that to take you out tonight. So he is the romantic type, note taken.

“You like nice,” you gulp nervously. It already feels like a date and you haven’t even left the parking lot yet. If this is how things are going to start you had an exciting 13 more days ahead of you...

“So do you,” he smirks, his eyes wandering down to the small brown stains littering your shirt. Eyes narrowing, you read the expression crossing his face – of course, he’s joking. “I brought you some fresh clothes to change into don’t worry.”

Relief rushes through your body as the words leave his lips, followed by a slight pull on your heart strings. Knowing he took the time to think about bringing you something else to wear so you didn’t have to sit in your coffee scented clothes all night made you feel warm in the strangest way. He’s thoughtful, and it's weirding you out – but in a good way.

“So, where are we even going?”

“You’ll see.”

A vague yet interesting, and very on-brand response from Jisung. He’s always been a fan of surprises – as long as he’s not on the receiving end.

The drive to your destination drags on forever. You aren’t quite sure how long you’ve been on your way; between your agile back seat changing of clothes, which you are surprisingly skilled at, and the anticipation coursing through your veins, you’ve lost track of time. All you know is that you’ve been driving along the backroads of your area for at least 15 minutes, and there is nothing around you to indicate that your destination is near.

“This is it.” The car pulls into a small dirt parking lot, dimly lit by some dingy street lights that aren’t doing a very good job at their primary function. It's pretty hard to see what’s around you, no matter how hard you squint and press your forehead to the window to get a better look.

“Where are we?” The question leaves your lips in a worried fashion. Trees surround the parking lot on all three-sides, while the road you've pulled in from occupies the fourth-side. You’re hesitant to get out of the car, but as Jisung rounds the front and opens the door for you, you’re on your way out. He motions for you to hold on as he pops the trunk – returning with a blanket and a reusable shopping bag filled with god knows what.

He still hasn’t given an answer to your question though, and you still aren’t quite sure where you are. If It was lighter out you assume it would be beautiful here, all the greenery dark and shadows hovering over you from the trees.

The bright light from his cell phone flashlight lights up the way, a path on your right

“Hell no,” your arms cross over your chest as you stand still in your place. He’s out of his mind if he thinks you’re going into the woods this late at night. You’ve seen enough horror films, stuff like this never ends well.

“C’mon, it’s not as bad as it looks,” Jisung laughs at your pouting manner, amusement filling his system as you glue your feet to the ground of the parking lot. His puppy dog eyes plead for you to follow him, a hand outreaching in your direction for the taking. You contemplate it for a moment, your eyes narrowing as you ponder the possible outcomes of the situation before you.

“Fine,” you huff as you take his hand in yours.

His hand feels different in yours this time. His long fingers lacing between your smaller ones in the perfect fit that you’ve neglected to notice before. You’ve held his hand before, platonically though. This time it’s platonic too though, right? It’s just a date. A platonic date between two friends. Two friends who are dating on a two week trial period. So yes, it is strictly platonic. Right?

The dirt path doesn’t drag on for too long, but the sounds of bugs ticking and twigs breaking beneath your feet is enough to startle you. Every scared and breathy gasp that  leaves your mouth is followed by a small fit of laughter from Jisung. At least one of you is amused.

But the dirt path soon turns rocky, a clearing becoming more and more noticeable as Jisung’s flashlight brightens the way ahead of you. The rows of trees come to an end as the ground flattens, a giant slab of rock lying beneath your feet. Out ahead of you is completely dark, and until you approach the darkness you don’t notice that you’re just a few yards away from the edge of a cliff. A river lies below the edge, the sound of water rushing fills your ears and calms your nerves. It is quiet out here, peaceful and without distraction.

Jisung stands back as you admire the scenery around you – your own phone flashlight now out and panning around to look at the view. It’s beautiful out here, nothing to worry about but the sounds of the water and whatever Jisung is doing behind you…

You couldn’t have zoned out for more than 2 minutes, but once you turn back around to face him a picnic blanket lies on the ground before you. Snacks scatter the extent of the fabric, a few candles placed in the center

“You really went all out for this, huh?” A nervous laugh leaves your lips before you swallow harshly. Never in your life has a guy ever gone all out like this for you. A late-night picnic at a secret location, fixed with all of your favorite snacks and some candles for ambiance.

“Had to,” he smiles, “it’s our first date.”

You join him on the blanket, grabbing for a bag of popcorn as you sit down. Maybe relationships wouldn’t suck so much if all men treated you like this…

But it’s just Jisung. Jisung who already knows all your favorite things to eat. He’s just trying to be convincing – to prove to you that men take you on dates, do nice things. But stuff like this never lasts. Two weeks from now you’ll be going back to the same old Jisung and Y/N friendship that you’ve always had.

The conversation goes on as normal tonight, he doesn’t make any moves (as expected, it’s Jisung) and you enjoy the view and calm atmosphere with your fake but not so fake boyfriend. You stay out on the cliff for a few more hours before he takes you home. Jisung put a lot of effort into making tonight special, and you appreciate him for that. But even after all his effort, you know that real relationships aren’t like this.

Every guy you’ve dated would try to woo you over in the beginning too. They call it the honeymoon stage for a reason. Things are always great in the beginning, lavish gifts and dates, loving gestures. That kind of thing never lasts. Soon the effort runs out, the guy gets bored of putting the work in, and they end up sleeping with your freshman year roommate. Well, at least that's how it is for you.

The bundle of sunflowers Jisung gave to you earlier on in the night sits on the end table next to your bed. Each time you look at them all you can picture is the goofy grin he sported as he stood at the entrance of the coffee shop. It replays in your mind like a movie. How he dressed up all spiffy just to take you out. How he took you to a spot only he knew about, somewhere so off-site and serene that he knew you’d remain uninterrupted. You can’t help but wonder if he’s using the same old tricks on you that he does to other girls though. If he only knew about that place because he’s taken someone there before.

Not that it matters though, you aren’t his real girlfriend. You’re just on a trial period. But for some reason the thought that he might have brought another girl to the same spot before doesn’t sit well with you.

“Sooooo,” Felix teases, letting his chin fall into his palm as he leans on the counter before him, “how was your date with Y/N?”

Jisung chuckles at his nosiness, he’s sure you’ve already told Felix all about it. There are no secrets left between you two. Even sometimes Jisung felt like the odd man out when you’re all together.

“It was good.”

Jisung keeps his answer short, leaving the rest up to his imagination. He isn’t one to kiss and tell – or to not kiss and tell. Keeping his private life all to himself is something he takes pride in, things are just better that way.

“Just good?” Felix challenges, knowing there is much more that he’s leaving out. His eyes narrow as he waits for his response. You haven’t told him anything about last night, not even where you went after he picked you up. Things are radio silent on your end, which left Felix dying to know what actually happened on your ‘date that wasn't a real date.’

Jisung glances back at him, contemplating whether or not he should spill the beans. It would be kind of nice to have someone else to confide in. Especially since it's always you on the receiving end of his secrets; however, this may be the one secret that you don’t know of.

He chews on his bottom lip pensively, if anyone knows what’s on your mind, it would be Felix. Not that Jisung would ever want to pry, there's just no indication of how you feel about last night, or about him. Before Jisung can even open his mouth to speak, a knowing smirk is spread wide across Felix’s face. It’s that kind of look that makes him nervous – he knows something.

“You like her don’t you,” he muses, rubbing his hands together smooths as the words catch in the air. It’s out there now – and it’s obvious. Well, maybe not obvious, but it's clear as day to Felix – and that is more than enough to make Jisung worry.

“I don’t,” Jisung denies the other boy’s claim, his willpower too strong to give in.

“Oh yeah? So why do you self sabotage every one of your relationships then?”

The words catch Jisung off guard; his jaw clenching harshly as an annoyed breath is forced out of his nostrils. He wants to deny the claim once again, but he can’t bring himself to keep brushing off these feelings that have had a grip on him ever since he was young.

Felix is right too. He does sabotage each relationship that comes his way. Jisung goes out of his way to find something wrong with each girl he dates. He can never admit it to himself, but in the back of his mind, he knows that it's the fact that none of those girls are you. None of the girls he’s ever met could ever match up to all that you are. In his mind, you held the perfect score, and no one else had ever come close.

“It’s written all over your face every time you look at her you know.”

There's no way he’s that obvious... Did his feelings show that much whenever he was around you?

“What do you mean?” Jisung clarifies, the small once of hope bearing weight in his chest that Felix will follow up with a ‘just kidding’ or change the subject. Only the silence that falls on the room is enough of a response for Jisung to get the clue. 

“Just please don’t tell her,” he avoids eye contact with the other boy, hand gripping harshly on the countertop as he stares down at the black and white checkered tile. “I just wanted to see if I could change her mind – about the love stuff, you know?”

The second you find out about Jisung’s feelings all bets would be off. There’s no way you’d let your little arrangement continue, not if either of you could end up hurt. And he knows you only agreed to this because there is nothing between you romantically, it was a deal between two friends. The second feelings get involved, everything gets all mushy and confusing, and Jisung can’t lose you.

Felix bears his weight on the counter behind him, leaning comfortably on the cool glass. “Believe me, I want her to be done with that ‘I hate love thing’ just as much as you do,” he sighs, looking around momentarily before he clears his throat. “Want me to be honest?”

“Please.”

“I think you might be the only one who can change her mind.”

Jisung’s heart skips a beat once the words leave Felix’s mouth. Blood rushes to his ears, pumping like a snare drum as he considers his thoughts. His stomach begins to twist as he considers it, almost confused about what Felix means, but not willing to accept it. You only agreed to fake-date him, you still hate love.

A comfortable silence fills the air, Felix watching him as his lips roll between his teeth, deep in thought. Change your mind. The words repeat in Jisungs head like a broken record. That’s what he’s trying to do, all for the right reasons of course. So that you don’t  have to be so miserable about it anymore. 

But behind those selfless reasons are several smaller, selfish ones. He gets to be with you as more than a friend now, and although it’s nothing more than some kind of test run, he can’t help but feel like this can be something more too. It’d be crazy to ignore the feeling he has deep in his chest, and maybe it's a sign not to.

“Like you think…” Jisung gulps, clearing his throat as the words stutter out of his mouth, “I could get her to fall for me?”

The lack of response that Felix gives is ominous, but the raise of his eyebrows and toothy grin forming on his face needs no words to tell. 

If anyone is to change your mind, it’ll be Jisung.

That night Jisung took you to the drive-in movies. To be quite honest, you couldn’t really recall what was playing, some Pixar film with bugs as the main character if you could remember it correctly. You were far too distracted laughing with Jisung, watching as young kids played around on a grassy patch near his car. The giggles that left his lips each time the little girl waved to him were music to your ears. You never noticed how much he loved kids, how good he was with them.

The image of his hands clasped together as he fawned over the little girl, picking dandelions in the grass and racing to place them by your feet was burned into your memory. The boxy grin that graced his face all night long. The way his eyes squinted from his cheeks, pushing up as he smiled so big. The whispers of the word ‘cute’ each time her pigtails bounced while she toddled away.

Missing the movie doesn't disappoint you. If anything, the memories you've saved from tonight are more than enough.

The next night you were unable to go out, the shop was so busy that you were not able to leave until an hour and a half after your shift was supposed to end. Some punk kid dropped a cup of iced coffee on the floor on his way out and decided it would be best to leave it there without cleaning anything up or letting you know. Maybe if it hadn’t been so busy then you would have noticed the spill before it dried up and there were coffee stains stuck to the tile floors.

Naturally, you spent a good 15 minutes trying to mop up all the stickiness on the floor. But to your luck, Jisung is working with you that night. Once all the customers left the shop he hooked his phone up to the speakers, grabbed your hands, and danced you around the shop. Well, it was supposed to be dancing but it probably looked more like Jisung swinging your arms as you attempted to not trip over your own feet.

It makes up for not getting to go out though, and you’d take a night like that over a fancy dinner any chance you got. 

It’s been 12 days since you became Jisung‘s girlfriend, and as the remaining days decreased, so did your hatred for love. Each night he planned something special. The real kicker was the texts that you get once he makes it home from dropping you off every night. A simple ‘I had a great time tonight’ was enough to make your heart swell and heat rise to your cheeks.

And as you notice your hatred for love and relationships leaving you, you notice another feeling enter your system. Or several feelings…

Things are getting just as sticky as the night when two frappuccinos splattered all over the shop floor, whipped cream and all. Spending time with Jisung like this is bringing some things to the surface you didn’t know were buried in the first place.

Every night that you spent with Jisung over the past 12 days allowed you to see him in a new light. You got to see him on a different level than just friends. You got to see what every girl that fawns over Jisung experiences.

Something about your friendship never let you jump past that barrier. You only see him as a dear friend of yours. Nothing more and nothing less. And now the issue is that...you aren’t sure how you’ll ever go back to see him as such.

You like Jisung as more than a friend, that's for sure. And you know because of that things will never be able to go back to the way they once were.

Maybe you're reading too much into it, but your gut is telling you that you aren't the only one feeling this way.

The feeling of butterflies that pound in your stomach each time you meet eyes with him has to be reciprocated. There is just no way you can be feeling this way and he isn’t.

This isn’t like the feelings you’ve caught for any guy before, this is something else. Every night when you go home you lay in bed, staring at your ceiling with a dumb grin on your face as you think about your time together, about him. About the way his black curly hair falls in front of his eyes each time he looks down and how his smile lights up every room he was in.

These things that you were so blind to before can’t escape your thoughts, and it makes you wonder how many times or things you’ve looked over that make you melt, just like you are right now.

But in just 2 days, this trial-boyfriend period will be over, and you’ll have to go back to being just friends. Each day, each hour, each minute that approaches feels heavier and heavier. Anxiety floods your system each time you think about things being over, or that this arrangement you have isn’t even real.

When you think about the growing feelings you have for him, you honestly can't imagine what your life will be like any other way. What it would be like going back to just hanging out here and there. And what it would be like

You can’t even fathom thinking about what it would be like hearing him talk about another girl again. It makes you sick thinking that there's going to be someone after you, because in just 5 days this will be all over, and you’ll go back to being the girl best friend, nothing more.

Maybe it’s just wishful thinking that Jisung has more feelings for you too. But the glimmer in his eyes as his bangs brush out of his eyes and they land on you tells a different story. When he looks at you it feels like you are the only two people on earth. He sees nothing else but you, and the way your eyes sparkle back at him.

Each day you spend with Jisung after that feels like a wrench tightening the screws of your heart. 14 days is just not enough.

“Earth to Y/N,” Felix says waving a hand in your face.

You must have zoned out, for god knows how long.

“Thinking about Jisung?”

“What?” you immediately straighten your posture and brush yourself off before responding, “N-no…I’m just thinking.”

“Right,” the sarcasm drips from his lips, not sparing you any time to save yourself as he turns away, beginning to wipe off the tables in the front.

For personal reasons, you’ve kept Felix out of the loop during this whole “fake-boyfriend Jisung” thing. It’s better if you keep your feelings to yourself until you figure them out. And although it feels really really strange not giving Felix the intel on what’s going on in your life, you know it’s for your own good.

Once you put what is in your head out into the world, you can’t take it back. And what if all these things that you’re feeling is just a part of the honeymoon-phase. If that even existed anyway… But if all these feelings for Jisung are due to him trying to woo you and change your mind, everything will just fade away as things return back to normal. And then you’ll be left loving him in silence while you watch him blow through relationships like a leaf blows through the wind.

Something in you tells you that this isn't the case, but the small shadow of doubt in the back of your mind keeps you from talking to your best friend about it anyway.

The thing is, you don't have to tell Felix for him to know. Every time Jisung picks you up from work to take you out you shine. Your smile spreads so wide he’s afraid your cheeks will tear. The nervous shake of your fingers as you grab for your belongings as you head out the door doesn’t go unnoticed in Felix’s eyes. He knows you too well to look over things like this, he just wanted to wait for you to say something first.

But now that you aren’t, Felix has decided to take matters into his own hands, asking you about it himself.

“Felix,” you start, waiting for his attention before you pull out a stool, sitting down and motioning for him to follow suit. Quickly he does, a questioning but knowing look evident on his face as the stool squeaks under him. “You know how this thing between Jisung and I is just an experiment or whatever?”

He nods in response, his hand quickly falling into his palm as he listens intently to your words.

“I think I messed up.” Your head is buried in your arms, laid over the tabletop in embarrassment.

“What do you mean?”

His question is more for clarification, he wants to hear you say it yourself. Felix knows that you’re gonna tell him that you’ve already caught feelings. He sees it coming from a mile away, you confirming it is just the icing on the cake.

“Don’t make me say it,” you whine, neglecting to pick your head up and look at him. You can feel the grin on his face. You know he's smirking at you right now, doing his best to hold back a laugh. Finally, you over the ‘I hate love and relationships suck’ thing.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” he sings, quite obviously teasing you while another deep sigh echoes from your chest. You manage to pick your head up, leaning onto your elbows with your chin caught between your palms as you face him.

“I like him.”

It comes out as a whisper, but Felix hears it loud and clear. If you didn’t know better, you’d assume that the smile on his face can't grow any larger, but it does. He jumps up from his chair in victory, doing a funny dance with his arms whooping in the air to celebrate. You’re confused as to why, but you’re too far in your own thoughts to pay it any mind; your head just sinks back into your arms as your forehead presses against the cold metal table beneath you.

“I knew it,” Felix smiles, his happy dance subsiding as he positions himself back down across from you. “I knew this fake dating thing was gonna work.

“Yeah well it really worked, because now I have feelings for a guy that’s never gonna reciprocate them for me.” Your tone is laced with sarcasm, a disappointing ring sounding off on each of your words. You’re too embarrassed to look at the boy sitting before you, worried that if you do all the emotions you’ve been holding onto for so long will spill over and stain your stone-cold image; one you’ve maintained for far too long.

But Felix is your best friend. The only one that you should be comfortable being vulnerable about your feelings for Jisung with; for some reason all you can’t bring yourself to be. Before you can get a grip on your emotions tears are streaming down your face and falling onto the cold metal surface under you in small puddles. 

A sympathetic sigh leaves Felix’s lips as he tries to gain your attention, “Hey.”

Inhaling deeply, you face him – mascara strewn across your face in black streaks and eyes nearly bloodshot. You’ve held this in for far too long. Only a double would tire you out and exhaust you enough to cry on the clock. Thank god it’s a rainy day, no customers ever come in on rainy days.

Or at least, no customers usually come in on rainy days. It's not until you hear the bells on the front door ring that you’re wiping your eyes, whipping around to greet whoever was entering.

And then you see him, standing there as he shakes out his umbrella, a bouquet of sunflowers in his hand.

And he sees you; mascara running down your face and tears staining your cheeks. He’s early. Your stomach turns at the sight of him, emotions not stable enough to handle carry a normal conversation like  

“Y/N,” his voice is quiet, worry dripping in his tone as your name leaves his lips. But you can’t face him right now, not like this.

Your feet move faster than you mind, standing up and rushing to the back to avoid him. Jisung doesn’t follow you, just stands there and watches you walk away, solemn and worried that he’s done something. 

It’s not until Felix is rising from his seat and pacing over to him that he’s brought back to reality.

“Jisung...” he starts, hands coming up slowly to console him, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here right now.”

“Wh-what’s wrong?” His lip worries between his teeth, eyes glossy as he stares at the door you just closed behind you. He’s looking at it intently, mind flooding with worry, wishing so badly that the door will just fly open, and you’ll tell him what was going on. In the back of his mind, he knows that you won’t, at least not for now. Talking about emotions has never been your strong suit, and chances of that changing at this moment are at an all-time low.

Felix is unsure how to answer him, caught in between not wanting to lie and keeping your feelings private. He can’t speak for you; but he’s scared that saying nothing could just make this whole situation worse.

His mouth gapes as he searches for a response to his question, lips opening and closing while he hums to himself.

The umbrella hanging from Jisung’s hand drops with a crash, starling Felix as he jumps at the sudden sound. But before he is even able to speak, the bell to the front door is ringing again, and Jisung is walking away into the pouring rain.

The next day you wake up feeling numb. You’ve received several texts from Jisung the night before, none of which you have the energy to reply to or even look at for that matter.

The guilt riddling your body has become too much for you to handle. You left work last night without even saying goodbye to Felix. He’s a good enough friend and coworker to know that what you’re going through is more important than working the counter at an coffee shop. 

After Jisung left, Felix came back and let you know; he almost had to break down the door to the backroom in order for you to let him in. He told you to go home, get some rest and that you’d talk tomorrow.

But after waking up the last thing you want to do is talk about Jisung, it hurts enough just thinking about him.

Every time you thought about how your arrangement was supposed to end in just a few days you felt sick. You have worked so hard to open up just to build your walls back up again. And now you’re back at square one.

When you agreed to be Jisung’s girlfriend you did not expect to fall for him like this. He’s Jisung for god’s sake. He’s your personal diary, he’s the one who knows all the shit that nobody else does. And he’s the only one that listens to all the dumb shit you have to say that no one else cares about.

Feelings ruin everything. Love sucks, and you knew this before you agreed. You agreed under the circumstances that Jisung could show you that relationships could be fun; not under the circumstances that he would make you fall in love with him,

And the more that you think about it, maybe you were always in love with him. Maybe you always had these feelings for him, but they were trapped in the tight bonds of friendship that your subconscious never let you out.

But none of that even mattered now. The deal had to be off, and you need to distance yourself from Jisung before you are hurt any worse. The longer this goes on the worse that you are going to feel when it's all over.

How are you supposed to go back to normal after this? Like is Jisung thinking that showing you how amazing relationships are, you won't fall for him or something? Or does his true plan consist of making you fall in love with him, just to string you along like every other girl he's dated?

You’re trapped in the never-ending spiraling thoughts, soiling your image of Jisung with each new theory that crosses your mind. None of them are good. All of them paint him as a player, as someone who just used you.

But the little thump in your heart when you notice the sunflowers placed on your bedside table wants your mind to change. Your heart wants you to believe that Jisung feels something too, that throughout this arrangement he has seen a different side to you too – that he’s fallen for you just like you have for him.

It's a knock at your door that guides you out of your thoughts. The repetitive tapping at your front door that drags you out of bed. And when you check your peephole and it's no one else, but your small blonde best friend standing on your doorstep that has relief rushing through your system.

The door cracks open, Felix standing there with an umbrella in his hand – even though it was nearly 100º with clear skies.

“Why are you still in your pajamas? It's noon.”

Suddenly, he pushes past you and invites himself into to your living room. Plopping down on your couch, Felix makes himself comfortable as he waits for you to join. You spin on your heels, an exhausted breath leaving your mouth as you pace over to him, plopping down on the next cushion over.

“Why the umbrella?” Your brow furrows as he hands it over. You take it though, still confused behind the meaning of the object that you're holding and where it came from.

“It’s Jisung’s.”

You nearly drop it as his name leaves his lips. The name causes your stomach to tighten, mouth-drying instantly as emotions well behind your eyes.

“Why?” Is all you can mutter out. Why was he giving it to you, why is he here, and why did he have it?

“You need to bring it back to him.” He says sternly, his eyes locked on you as he waits for you to look back at him. But you’re too focused on the umbrella placed gently in your hands, tracing your finger over every wire and the soft rubber handle.

“I can’t.” Your words come out in a whisper, breath light and airy as you sigh, sinking your body back into the couch cushions. Giving the umbrella back to Jisung will mean that you have to go see him. And if you see him, he’s going to want to talk to you about last night, then question you about why you haven’t been returning his texts. No. You will not be giving Jisung his umbrella back.

“Y/N,” your name leaves his mouth gently, a sigh following it before he reaches for you, rubbing your arm comfortingly before continuing, “I think you need to talk to him.”

“Felix you know I can’t do that.”

You’re serious in your words. Not that you don’t want to talk to Jisung. You most definitely want to – and if you could, you would. But you can’t. There are too many emotions involved. The wound is fresh and seeing him would be rubbing salt right into it.

“Y/N,” he sighs, this time more forceful, like he’s trying to get something across to you but it's going right over your head. “Talk to him. Please.”

“You know I’m going to end up hurt if I do.” Tears well in your eyes as the words croak from your throat. It's dry and scratchy, full of fear and anxiety.

“I think you’d be surprised,” he mumbles, his eyes instantly widening on realizing the words that just escaped. Eyes wide with confusion, you’re begging him to go on, but if he does then Jisung won’t be the only one in deep shit right now. It's not up to Felix to tell you what he knows this time. 

“What do you mean I’ll be surprised?”

“I have to go,” he stands instantly, motioning to the umbrella, “and you need to bring this back.”

With a slight ruffle to your hair, Felix is giving you a supporting smile and waving goodbye. And you’re left alone once again – just you and Jisung’s blue umbrella.

It takes a lot of courage to get ready today. You make sure to take your sweet time rummaging through your closet, flipping through articles of clothing for the better half of an hour. At the end, you opt to go with a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. There isn't enough energy in your body to put on anything else, and you know you’ll just want to curl back up in bed once you get home. Sweatpants are safe, and safe is just what you need.

No makeup today either. If things are anything like you’re expecting, your makeup will just end up ruined anyway. It's your better judgment to shower though, you’ve neglected to take one after work last night; opting to just bury yourself under your covers as soon as you got back. But today is a new day. And with a fresh shower and your comfiest pair of sweatpants, you are about as ready as you’ll ever be to get your heart broken into a billion pieces. 

Umbrella in hand, you step out onto your front steps, relishing in your last few moments of ignorant bliss before making your way to Jisung’s. You immediately regret your wardrobe decision as the sun beats down on your frame, the humidity making you feel sticky and gross – your favorite pants are  no match for this heat.

But you’re on your way to your destination anyway, the drive feeling longer and more drawn out than normal. Jisung didn’t live that far away from you, but the ride there still felt like an eternity with each theoretical scenario passing your mind. 

Dragging your feet, you make your way to the front steps of his house. You’ve been here a million times, but today is different. From now on, every time you drive past this place all you’ll know is heartache.

You brush yourself off, taking a deep breath before bringing your hand up and pushing the doorbell. The sudden ringing sound startles you, even though you have every indication that it’s coming – you’re just too nervous and jumpy for your own good.

Footsteps approach the door, your stomach tightening more and more with the muffled pitter-patter of footsteps. You’re praying to God that it’s his mom, hoping that Jisung just so happens to be out – even though his car is in plain sight parked just a few meters away from you. Wishful thinking, you suppose.

When the door to his house opens, you struggle to maintain your composure. He’s dressed similarly to you; a pair of sweats and an old sports t-shirt that has definitely seen better days.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

His eyes are sunken in, dark circles dragging underneath his eyes and his lips pulled downwards. He looks like a sad puppy, his dark hair all scruffy and sticking up in each direction – probably from him running his hands through it so many times. 

“I came to give you this,” you extend the umbrella out before you. He nods before taking hold of it, his hand far at the opposite end making sure not to keep his distance. The more you look at him, the more sorry you feel for dodging his texts. He looks like he hasn’t slept a wink, and you’re afraid it’s all because of you.

“Oh...uh, thanks,” he struggles to make eye contact with you, looking down at the object in his hand. 

It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and you can’t seem to find the words to say to break this strange tension between the two of you. He’s acting weird, shifting his weight back and forth but not moving away to close the door. His mind is racing once again – contemplating whether or not to just invite you in or leave it at that.

But with every aching bone in his body, he musters up the courage to lift his head, looking you directly in the eyes. Their dark like his, definitely from the lack of sleep you had the night before. Your mouth is turned downward too; hands fiddling together to try and distract yourself.

“D-Do you wanna come in?” He stutters, stepping aside slowly as he gestures towards his house. He suddenly worries when you don’t respond right away, taking a second to contemplate if this is a good idea or not. Ripping off the band-aid is never easy, but it needs to be done.

“Sure,” is the word that you decide on – hoping that it doesn’t make you seem disinterested or too desperate to talk. Maybe he’s just being kind though. Maybe it’s an empty offer, something that you say when you’re trying to be nice, but subconsciously hope that they won’t take you up on it. Like when you offer to share your food with someone, but you’re really hungry. You do it to be nice, not because you actually want to split the delicious looking burger and fries on your plate.

He leads you inside and to his bedroom. It looks the same as always, but it feels different. It still smells like him though, the comforting woodsy scent of pine and mahogany that he always reaches for. But that comforting scent is anything but comfortable. You’re frozen in place, unsure if you should sit on his bed and make yourself at home, much like every other time in the past. For now you just stand in the doorframe, waiting for him to tell you to take a seat, just like any polite guest would. A guest. You have never felt like a guest in his home before, or around Jisung in general. But that imaginary wall between the two of you is standing tall and sturdy, and suddenly the two of you are reverted back to being strangers.

You watch as he toys with something on his desk, his fingers dancing from object to object and sifting through papers to look busy. The point of it – unknown to you but to him, he’s buying time. Trying to think of the first thing to say, what to ask, or if you even wanted to talk. Maybe you only agreed to come inside to be nice. Maybe you were too worried about hurting his feelings if you said no. But alas, here you are, standing awkwardly in his doorway as he shuffles around his room, his brain flooding with thoughts – but his mouth can not form them into audible words.

“I’m sorry for ignoring your texts.”

Your voice catches his attention, dropping whatever paper he’s looking at now and turning his gaze to you. You’re sunken into yourself, your chest thumping with anxiety as his eyes begin to wander your frame. Not in a ‘I’m checking you out’ manner though; more of a ‘you look so sad and I don’t know what to say to you right now’ kind of way. 

It’s true though, he doesn’t know what to say – which is why he’s staring at you, hoping the right words would just pop up and he didn’t have to use any brain-power at all. He doesn’t want to say ‘it's okay,’ because it's not. You never ignore his texts, and that alone tells him enough about what's going on. You are upset at him.

“What did I do wrong, Y/N?”

His words sound accusatory but his tone is soft, gentle and full of worry. Eyes swollen and looking like they are about to fill to the brim with tears, his sight is focused on you; now not able to look away.

“I-I don’t know…”

Your answer is honest. You don’t know if his intentions are dirty. Yeah, that’s what you thought initially, but looking at him with such hurt written all over his face tells a different story. 

Jisung is silent, unsure of what more he can do or say to make you talk to him. He can’t force you to open up, he never has and he never will – that’s always been his rule. Everything you’ve shared with him has been on your own terms and conditions. Jisung has always been here to be your listening ear, but he never prys.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

His voice is soft, eyes full of sympathy as he holds himself together. Those were the words he has been looking for. Now the ball is in your court and you’ll have to be the one leading the conversation. It’s just what he needed to figure this shit out.

“I-I don’t know.”

“Y/N,” he sighs as he drops himself down onto the mattress, “I shouldn’t have to say this for you to know it, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

You do know that. You really, really do. But this time things are different. Is he expecting you to just come out and speak your truth like there won’t be consequences? No, he won’t push you to tell him anything you don’t want to. But the worry in his eyes and clammy hands are begging for you to just let it out so he can stop being in the dark.

You sigh out an ‘okay’ before sitting down beside him. 

Rip the band-aid off Y/N. Quick and painless.

His eyes narrow, almost to a squint, staring right through you in hopes of reading your thoughts. Your expression is nothing but blank as you try your best to gain some sort of composure. Do you just speak up and spill your guts? The words replay in your mind over and over until your thoughts are beat down and misshapen. 

You can picture his face when you say it; disgusted with a trace of disappointment and some confusion spread into the mix. Or maybe he’ll laugh at how pathetic you were, catching feelings for your fake boyfriend.

That’s it. There’s no way you can tell him. It would be much easier to just get up and leave. Tell him to pretend like none of this ever happened and that you needed some time to cool off. A few months maybe, or maybe you could just ghost him entirely. 

“Y/N?”

The sound of his voice breaks you out of your toxic thoughts, and his chocolate brown eyes bring you back down to earth. You can’t just leave him in the dust. He’s looking at you like you’re the only thing that exists. Things will be okay, right?

“Sorry, sorry,” you exhale deeply as you calm your thoughts; shifting the nasty scenarios out and accepting that whatever happens after this conversation is your fate. 

“Jisung, I-I guess I wasn’t expecting this boyfriend-girlfriend thing we’re doing to go like this.”

His brow quirks at your words, confusion riddling his expression as his eyes narrow. With a tilt of his head, he’s pushing you to continue, visibly riddled with your choice of words.

“Swear you’ll be honest when I ask you this?” You question him, your hand moving closer to his as you lean in slightly. He’s like a magnet, you can’t help yourself from moving closer; even though the proximity of the two of you is clouding your thoughts and you can feel your heart beginning to swell.

He nods in response to your question, his eyes full of concern as he waits for you to continue, “Why did you ask me to do this thing?”

He knows that a question like this was coming, only if he could have prepared for it. But he didn’t, so his throat is left dry and scratchy as his mouth opens, only to stutter a bit before closing it back up. No coherent thoughts or words are able to escape his lips, just nonsense mumbling that caught himself off guard.

With a deep breath, he closes his eyes, regaining his composure before he can face you again. He agreed to be honest, and if honesty is what you want, honesty is that you’ll get.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all that he can say. 

Oh no. This is exactly what you were expecting before you came here. He’s gonna tell you that he didn’t mean to mess with your emotions, that he felt you catching feelings and got carried away. That he’s sorry that he ruined your friendship and played you like a violin all at once.

“Me too.”

You don’t know why you’re apologizing, but you are. It feels wrong. Absolutely utterly, and undoubtedly wrong. Apologizing for your own feelings is not something that you are okay with. Especially when he made you fall for him like this. Okay so maybe thinking that is giving him too much power, but who the hell takes you out on dates for nearly 2 weeks straight just to laugh about it later. How can he expect you to not catch feelings for him? With his deep voice and fluffy hair that always hangs in front of his eyes, that little giggle he has when he finds something amusing. Everything about him was attractive. And you’ve fallen for it all. Hard.

“Wait, why are you sorry?”

A scoff escapes your mouth unintentionally, but it’s well deserved. “For being the idiot to fall for a guy that was playing her, I guess.”

You can’t look at him any longer, so your eyes fall to your lap, staring at your chipped nail polish and dirty fingernails instead of reading whatever dumb expression he has now. But if you just took a second to look up, you’d notice the widening of his eyes, how his fingers are beginning to shake and his mouth gape. 

“Wh-What?”

“Don’t make me say it again Jisung, I don’t feel like sounding stupid one more time.”

“No no I heard you, it's just,” his eyes slam shut, angry at himself that he let things get this far without keeping you in the loop. 

You’ve been telling him that you hate love for years now. After hearing it so many times, he’d just given up on the thought of you. Maybe if he said something before you went through all those shitty guys things could have been different. But he’s let this go on for far too long, and now you’re the one that was paying the price. 

“Y/N I have feelings for you.”

Your neck nearly breaks with how fast your head snaps up. He’s the one looking away now, his cheeks a bit rosy as he tries to hide himself. He isn’t doing a very good job though, his hair is only shadowing his eyes and you can clearly see the way he’s nervously chewing on his lip; a cute habit you have grown fond of these past couple of weeks.

If he didn’t look like he does right now, you’d assume he was messing around. But you know Jisung. You know his small little gestures and what they mean by now. You know when he’s being serious and when he’s telling a lie. He can look someone dead in the eye and lie to them, but when he tells the truth, he becomes shy and worried that he’s said the wrong thing. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You ask softly, gently reaching for his hand. The subtle contact makes him flinch, reacting by pulling your hand away. But his eyes meet your sympathetic ones, sparkling just like they always do, and he knows what he wants.

Jisung’s hand reaches back for yours, lacing his fingers through yours before giving your hand a light squeeze. “You hate relationships,” he chuckles lightly, the mood of the room instantly shifting as the laughter leaves his lips. 

“I hated the ones that weren’t with you,” you correct him, but your voice comes across as just a whisper. He’s close enough to hear though, a blushing grin forming on his face as you shyly look away. His heart flutters when he hears it, a million butterflies erupting in his tummy all at once.

“I hated the ones that weren’t with you too,” he coos, his eyes wide and sparkling as he looks at you with such adoration. 

Time moves in slow motion as his hand meets your cheek, your eyes look deeply into his chocolate ones as he moves in closer. As your eyelids flutter shut his tongue runs across his bottom lip, wetting the surface before closing the distance between you. Finally.

And in that moment you’re at peace. Everything you thought you’ve ever hated, love, relationships, and maybe Jisung for a hot second, are the only things that you long for. The 14 days don’t have to be over, and your days no longer have to be counted. When you’re with Jisung you’re happy, you’re comfortable, and you're confident that he can give you what you have always deserved – but have never gotten. 

His lips move against yours in slow, languid motions, his large hands holding you close like he’s holding on for dear life. But you won’t leave even if you want to, not now, not after all this. 

Slowly, Jisung shifts his weight and you move in succession. He’s laying you down on his bed, gently climbing over you without breaking the kiss. Things are becoming more heated now, you can feel it as his hungry lips devour your own. Your chest heaves up to meet his, your back arching off the mattress as his hands begin to scour your body. The heat pooling in between your legs is growing, an aching sensation overwhelming your core as your own hands reach up to rake through his long, fluffy hair. And you can tell he wants you too, the thin fabric of his sweatpants doing little to conceal the growing erection pressing against your thigh. 

You can’t help but let out a steep moan as his hips begin to grind into yours. Needy groans fall past his lips and onto yours as you roll your hips upwards to meet his small ruts. 

In a leisurely motion, Jisung’s body is moving upwards, his knee finding a place between your legs as he brings himself up to a kneeling position. You chase his lips the entire way there, sitting up straight to be sure the contact doesn’t vanish, too consumed by your need for him to leave his lips.

And then his needy hands are running along the waistband of your sweats, fiddling with the tie before breaking your heated kiss. “Is this okay?” His words come out in a whisper, his eyes searching yours for any signs of doubt, but all he sees is lust.

“Yes,” you confirm, out of breath from making-out for so long without coming up for air. The lightheaded feeling taking over you goes unnoticed though, and quite frankly you’re too caught up in Jisung to care.

Quickly, he rids you of your pants, looking back up at you for confirmation about your underwear. With an affirmative nod he’s removing those too, leaving you completely bare from the waist down as he stands over you fully clothed.

But soon he’s ridding himself of his own clothing, his shirt being pulled at the nape of his neck as he discards it across the room. He’s leaning back down to you, hungry for the feeling of your lips. He misses it, even though it's been less than a minute since he’s last felt your smooth lips on his. 

You won’t open your eyes to see, but with the shuffling movements and shaky connection between your mouths you can tell Jisung is stripping himself of any remaining clothing he has on. He’s needy, unable to wait any longer to get down to business, he’s already waited long enough.

You’re the one who breaks the kiss this time, too curious to see what he’s sporting down below for your own good. But you are not disappointed once you see it – he’s long and girthy; the pigment a shade or two darker from his skin tone than the rest of his body.  Your thoughts are wandering, wondering what it's like to have him inside of you; dreaming about what he feels like. Arousal pools at your core, mouth salivating as your daydreams linger.

“Like what you see?” Jisung chuckles. You barely notice that you’ve been staring, eyes wide and focused on the hardened dick before you, which is probably a bit uncomfortable for him. 

“Sorry!” You cringe at yourself lightly, covering your eyes in embarrassment in fear that you just ruined the mood you’ve worked too hard to create.

“Don’t apologise,” he smiles as he grabs your wrists, moving them away from your round eyes. Scrunching your nose in displeasure, you catch your lip in between your teeth, mentally face palming at how weird you’re being.

He couldn’t blame you though, it was taking everything in him not to gawk at you. It was the first time you’ve seen eachother naked. Bathing suits did little for your imagination, not that you had even thought about Jisung this way before.

But he eases your nerves by coming down face level with you, reaching for your shirt and pulling it up over your head. You look at him with wide eyes, taking in each part of him as he caresses your body gently. He’s in awe of you like this. So relieved that you’re finally his, that he has you like this.

Nimble fingers dance down your body, landing at your core as he runs one up your slit, collecting your arousal on his fingertip. An impressed smirk grows slowly on his face, “I can’t believe you’re this wet already,” he hums. “All for me.” 

His eyes remain focused on your center, devouring it with his eyes as his hands hold steady on your thighs. You can’t help but grow slightly embarrassed, dripping with arousal so early on though he’s barely touched you. A lump forms in your throat causing you to swallow thickly – this doesn’t go unnoticed by Jisung.

A concerned expression crosses his face, brow furrowing as he moves his hands upward to settle on your waist. “Hey,” his voice is soft, gentle and full of worry, “everything okay?” 

“Just nervous,” you answer, a fake smile showing on your face to try and combat your own emotions.

It is no secret that Jisung is a bit more experienced than you are in bed. He knows that, you know that, and that is enough to turn you into a nervous wreck. Leave it to your own thoughts to ruin the moment.

“We don’t have to…”

“No!” Your voice comes out a little too eager, a bit loud, shocking Jisung. His eyes widen in response, body jolting from the impact of your tone. “No,” you say more gently this time, “I want to.”

You did want to – you just have to get over your own nerves first. Lucily, Jisung didn’t mind and was willing to guide you through it.

With a reassuring smile plastered across his face, he laces his fingers through yours. As you lock eyes, you nod him onward, giving him the go-ahead to continue. He moves languidly, his fingers moving back down to trace your slit once more. The sensation makes you tense, the nerves tingling through your body making it difficult for you to calm down. 

But with a reassuring squeeze of his hand to yours, you’re taking a deep breath. Closing your eyes as you lie your head backwards onto his pillowcase. The smell of him consumes you, relaxing you effectively as his fingers meet the entrance of your core.

Shivers run through your body as he dips one finger inside. Your arousal acts as a natural lube, letting his finger glide gracefully into you. You gasp at the sensation, eyes rolling back into your head as he begins caressing your walls. His finger moves swiftly in and out of your core, his other hand still locked with yours to guide you through.

With your body finally relaxing, Jisung is able to add another finger into the mix. The extra pressure makes you shudder for a moment, taking a little to adjust to the greater size inside of you. Thankfully the mild discomfort subsides, and he’s able to pump his fingers in and out once more. 

He’s making sure to watch each of your expressions, growing harder and harder just from watching your face contort in bliss. With each of his movements you bite down harder onto your lip, focusing on him and him only. 

“You’re doing so well,” he praises as his thumb rubs circles over your hand soothing you. You can feel your heart swell at his words, heat beginning to rise to your cheeks. 

In one swift motion, Jisung begins to separate his fingers, stretching your walls as his digits move in scissor-like motions inside you. “Fuck,” you mumble, hips jutting forward in reaction. 

A steep moan leaving your lips as he brings his fingers back together, just to extend them once more. Your body is quickly getting used to the pressure, begging for more as you roll your hips.

He can sense that you’re eager from your movements alone. With one final squeeze, his hand is leaving yours. The empty feeling in your palm is unpleasant. But once you open your eyes and notice he’s using it to palm himself, his fingers groping around his length and beginning to pump slowly, that empty feeling is replaced with something else. 

Your mouth salivates with desire, hungry for the feeling of him inside of you. He’s aroused you enough, and you’re too eager to feel him for your own good.

“Jisung,” you moan, “fuck me please.”

His cock jumps in reaction to your words, his chest heaving as his breath catches in his throat. Never in his life did he expect to hear those words come out of your mouth – but he wouldn't mind hearing it again.

“Hmm?” He hums, knowing damn well what you said but being greedy enough to pretend that he didn’t. You whine in response, your legs shaking on the bed in a mini temper-tantrum.

“Please,” you drag out, “please fuck me.”

Your words are music to his ears. He removes his fingers from your dripping cunt, grabbing the backs of your knees to pull you closer to him and hike your legs up over his hips.

“Anything for you.”

Complying to your wish, he lines the tip of his cock up with your entrance. The feeling of his smooth head against your core is enough to make you moan, your head thrown back to expose the soft skin of your neck.

Jisung takes this as an opportunity to leave his own mark behind, leaning down to attach his lips to your skin. You gasp as his teeth graze your skin, his plump lips sucking harshly before his tongue is swiping over the area to soothe it. 

But your eyes open once he’s beginning to pull away to look at you. His eyes are dark, full of lust mixed with adoration, a sigh of relief leaving his chest as he gazes down at you under him. There’s a lot going on in his head right now. Of all the emotions swirling around, the thing he’s most focused on is how lucky he is to have you.

And before you know it, he’s leaning down. Pressing a chaste kiss to your lips, making you smile. One more kiss is left on your forehead before he's pulling back, securing the position of your legs on his hips. 

And then he’s realigning himself with your core, pushing past your entrance and slowly descending into the depths of your pussy. He’s moving slowly, taking his time as he thrusts into you. The delicious stretch is unfamiliar, but it's not uncomfortable – like you were made just for him. A simultaneous groan leaves your lips as he bottoms out, the tip of his cock pressing deep into you on a spot that’s gone untouched. 

He hums a sigh of contempt before pulling back, only to rock his hips into you once again. Your velvety walls welcome him delightedly, soft whimpers leaving your lips once he bottoms out again.

“Y/N,” your name leaves his lips in a low grunt, the bones of his pelvis driving into your skin as he begins to pick up his pace. In reaction you clench down on him, orgasm beginning to loom overhead with each movement of his hips.

Desire fills your senses as you roll your hips over to meet his thrusts. His movements are slow and intentional, making sure to bottom out each time to watch you squirm over his dick. He loves how your jaw drops each time his tip presses against your g-spot, knowing just when he hits it each time.

Jisung’s teeth are barred, sweat gathering at his brow as his dark fluffy hair sticks to his face. He’s trying to hold himself back, the overwhelming urge to finish just in reach, but he doesn’t want to stop. So his hands roam your body to try and distract him, his palms caressing up the sides of your torso as your back bridges into him. The feeling of hot breath fans over your face with each sigh he lets out. 

But the tightening knot in your stomach is threatening to snap with every movement of his hips. It's getting harder and harder to hold on with the power of his thrusts growing stronger.

“Jisung,” you whine, “so close” your hands find his back, fingernails dragging down his spine in attempts to ground yourself. Jisung’s face contorts as your nails pierce his skin, leaving lines of red scratches down the length of his posterior.

The stretch from his length and his rhythmic motions sends your senses into overdrive. Squeezing your eyes shut and grasping onto the sheets underneath you, you can taste the brink of your orgasm. Jisung is focused; his grip on your thighs strong and his face contorted with bliss. But all you can think about is how stupid you could have been if you had decided to just cut him out. What matters is that you’re here with him now, and the thought of that is enough to push you over the edge. 

Your breath hitches in your throat, stomach twisting and turning as your pussy throbs repeatedly around his member. Emotions running high, three words almost slip past your lips, but with the small amount of strength you can muster up, you hold them back. Another time, some time that isn't so lust filled like this one.

Jisung’s thrusts are growing sloppy. His grip on your legs tightening as his lip is caught between his teeth. And with just a few quick thrusts, he’s coming undone inside of you. White, hot spurts of cum paint your walls, filling you up and making you feel so unbelievably full. 

You’ve always felt close to Jisung – he knew everything about you and vice versa; but this time was different. The way his hands settled on your legs, bringing them down gently after finishing. How his eyes are becoming so soft as he looks at you, a lazy grin pulling at his lips. You’ve never felt closer to Jisung as you do in the moment. As his body collapses next to yours, pulling you in and holding you close as you recover from your highs, you’re completely at peace.

“Sorry I got carried away, I guess I should have asked if you’re on birth control still,” he laughs, burying his face into the crook of your neck. 

“Don’t worry, I am,” you chuckle alongside him.

Your naked bodies tangle together, his leg weaving its way through yours to be as close to you as possible. He’s intoxicated by you, closing his eyes as he rests against your body in complete bliss. Now that he has you this close he never wants to let go; and neither do you.

“Can I tell you something?” His voice is soft, whisper like but still holding confidence; his tone never falters.

“Anything.”

“I love you, Y/N.”

Butterflies erupt in your tummy, your heart thudding in your chest as heat rises to your cheeks. He loves you. It's not that friendship kind of love anymore; it's the relationship kind. The same kind that makes your heart skip a beat and body riddle with every emotion in the book. The kind that keeps you up all night thinking about – but also helps you fall asleep, knowing he’ll be there in the morning.

And all of a sudden it seems so stupid that you were fighting those words back in the heat of the moment just a few minutes ago. He felt it too, you always knew that.

“I love you, Jisung.”

Being in love is a dumb concept. All guys suck, relationships are stupid and love is a social construct that you didn’t feel like conforming to. There was absolutely no one that you would waste your time on, until Jisung came around. What you had been looking for your entire life has always been right infront of your eyes – you were just too dumb to see it.

Maybe love is alright, after all.

‘Perfect Score’ is copyright 2020-2021 @chaangbin, all rights reserved. Please do not repost on any platform or translate without permission.

↠ A/N this fic has been rewritten/reconcepted from my previous BTS fic Crush Culture.

[redspiderling]

I’m seeing comments that Taskmaster was the “worst MCU villain” and that the twist fell flat. I thought it tied well into Natasha’s arc. I can understand TM fans not liking the change, but there are a lot of dumb takes too. Saying that the climax inadequately showed Nat washing her hands clean, or that she had already “gotten over” it before. Even though Nat is so haunted by regret that she later throws herself off a cliff? Why does this movie go straight over some people’s heads?

Hiya anon!

Well, there's a few reasons why people can have these reactions, and not interpret the film as it was meant to. Some reasons are more innocent than others.

For example, Marvel did push the whole "Taskmaster will appear" message while promoting this film. We know they did this to hook in a very specific crowd. I find their frustration understandable because Taskmaster is a minor character, compared to the Russian family.

I don't understand though what those people's expectations were. This movie isn't called Taskmaster. It's called Black Widow. Natasha is going to be the main character. Even if Taskmaster was closer to the comic book version his role wouldn't have more prominence, or development, in the film. Everyone was saying that this movie was going to be a tribute to Natasha Romanoff, so, what gives?

I found the twist very satisfying. I don't see how that was "Natasha washing her hands clean". Just because the girl survived, doesn't mean that Natasha didn't make the choice to sacrifice her life. If I shoot a person and they survive, I'll still be put to trial as an attempted murderer. Natasha's decision allowed Draykov to turn his own daughter into a mindless tool. All Natasha got, was a moment to look her past action in the eyes, acknowledge the brutality of them, and apologise to another victim. Because they were both victims of the same system.

In regards to how this movie sits in reference to Endgame: It undoes a lot of it. Natasha's emotional state in Endgame would realistically be different if she had gone through the soul-searching adventure of Black Widow beforehand.

Even if her entire Russian family had been dusted she'd just be even more determined to fix the world, she wouldn't despair, and she wouldn't have looked so abandoned. Because the Natasha of Endgame was broken not by the events of Infinity War, but by the resignation of the surviving Avengers- they were the ones who left her alone to shoulder that burden.

Finally, while I rarely acknowledge the scene in Vormir as anything other than moronic and completely unnecessary, I do need to make this point clear:

Natasha didn't sacrificed herself because she thought herself unworthy. Marvel sacrificed Natasha because they thought she deserved it.

Natasha loves her people deeply, and she is just that strong, and that brave, and that heroic, that she could just run towards death without a thought and without a hint of fear. And Cate showed us that in Black Widow, where she made her jump off one crazy spot after another, when she literally jumped into nothing to save Yelena. Of course, Cate is smart and she brought Natasha back to us after each and every crazy jump. Because a character doesn't have to fucking die to prove that they're heroes.

Finally, this movie goes straight over people's heads for a lot of reasons.

For one thing, people are used to the male gaze, and focused on the wrong things. Like whether the human trafficker gets enough of a development to make us feel something when he dies for example. And then when the movie disregards that character like the bastard that he is, and just blows him to smithereens, they're disappointed because they're like "hang on, you just killed him off before I had a chance to bond with the lad!". And to them, that's a flaw.

Another issue is that Marvel movies tend to be very clear about who you're fighting against. It makes it easier when a villain has a face, you know? Even CAWS had enough baddies to make us direct our anger to specific characters (like Rumlow, Pierce, Zola, Sitwell), while the actual enemy was an organisation/system in place.

So when Black Widow comes along, viewers who are used to the system above are confused. Because if Yelena isn't bad, and if the Widows aren't bad, and if Taskmaster isn't bad, who is?

Our patriarchal, sexist society. That's who. The mentality that creates men like Draykov, who think of women as commodities. And how can you possibly show them as villains, when they're literally all around us?

You don't. You focus on the women, and how we deal with that pain. This movie was about people who were damaged by a fucked up system. And the movie itself couldn't offer a solution to fix the system. It could only give us the satisfaction of watching a trafficker get blown up, and the relief of watching those women free themselves from that hell. It showed us that there is hope in surviving. It gave us back what Endgame took away.

Anyway, to chose off this rant, don't be upset anon. I mean, there are people out there who, to this day, think Endgame was one of the best movies of all time. Rotten Tomatoes has it rated at like, 95%. Some people are just interested in the surface of things, and the rest of us just have to accept it. Enjoy our moment of vindication, remind yourself that Natasha's living her best life, hopefully stay away from twitter, and all will be well.

[getoutofmyjaneway]

Beta Cannon: the Pre Voyager Era of Kathryn Janeway | Mosaic v The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

This weekend, I got a copy of the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway from a local book store. For how frequently we speak about Mosaic in the community (despite having some flaws) I was shocked that I had not heard a lot about this book and assumed it was a bad thing. And yeah in some regards it was (see @mia-cooper’s post on the subject). I have a lot of feelings (I’ll post a proper review at a later point) but one thing that did stick out to me is the divergence from what we have considered Beta Canon, aka, the extended universe of Star Treks told through novels, short stories, video games, etc. After completing the novel, I jumped right into my old standby copy of Mosaic, which has dictated a lot of Janeway’s back story since 96. Both of these novels cover the beginnings of Janeway’s life and how she was shaped into the woman we know. 

TLDR The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway changes a lot of things for no reason. Some of these are for the good. Some for the bad. And some, for like no good reason at all, like it was fine as it was, and was accepted cannon for like 25 years, but sure fine whatever.

I will mention that, as Mosaic has been a book in my library and I have read it too many times, so of course, I do have a bias toward it. Additionally, I feel like it is fair to mention here that authors of Fanfiction have leaned on this as their bibles since 1996 as Mosaic is written by Jeri Taylor, one of the show-runners for Voyager. Because of its connection with a showrunner, Mosaic is also integrated into the canon of the show. It seems that most points that are taken from Mosaic in the Autobiography are only included because of their existence in cannon material.

Anyway, this review is going to focus on the characters that shape Kathryn and I will end with my final thoughts. This is long so to respect your dash, you are going to have to click keep reading. You’re welcome.

Obligatory Spoiler Warning for ALL of Mosaic, chapter 13 of Pathways, and chapters 1-7 of The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway

Edward Janeway

In all media, I feel like we can safely say that Kathryn Janeway is in fact a daddy’s girl. Her relationship with her father is very important to her, so it is interesting to see how it is portrayed very differently in both novels. In Mosaic, a lot of the highlights of Janeway’s earlier years revolve around time spent with him. From giving her special attention after ‘Your Sister’ was born, to consoling her after her losing tennis match and subsequent walk home in the rain, and trips to Mars, Kathryn mentions great fondness of quality time spent. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway he is more described as an absent father, one that she always wanted to see and please. When he was home, she wanted all of his attention and to impress him greatly. She wished to follow in his footsteps after gaining a love of flight and the stars with a plane ride and a telescope he gave her. He tried to prepare her by detaining the events of the current conflict with Cardassia and inviting Starfleet brass over for dinner. Overall, in her early childhood, it makes more sense for Edward to not be around often. There is not a lot of conflict between the sources, other than the details of the aforementioned tennis match and different childhood nicknames.  

Edward is in a crash aboard an experimental ship on Tau Ceti Prime which leads to his death. This is where the big differences begin. In Mosaic, Kathryn and her fiancé are also on board. In  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, Kathryn is still on the Al-Batani. The fall out of this event has a great effect on Kathryn of course in both novels. As this is a missive shaping event of Kathryn’s life, I felt it very jarring to be changed. This moment shaped Janeway and gives us good context for why she handles situations the way she does. I see this trauma and I understand her character better, for dealing with the loss of two of the most important people in her life all at once.

Gretchen Janeway

The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway was good to Gretchen Janeway as her character is basically a blank slate. We know little about her from Mosaic as it mostly focuses on Kathryn’s relationship with her father (and other male influences in her life). It is nice to learn more things about Grechen as with Edward’s job, it is likely that Kathryn was mainly raised by her. Other than being an artist, she also wrote some of the Flotter holos and wrote a number of children’s stories about the people of Bajor during the occupation. She does a lot of humanitarian work with the refugees from Bajor during the occupation. She loves to garden and get her daughters involved. She has a close bond with Phoebe due to their overlapping interests, but you can tell that she strives to support her in what she does. Overall, I like getting know Gretchen to be someone of than Kathryn’s mother.

Phoebe Janeway

 I was shocked when researching Memory Alpha for this review, Phoebe is never named in any Cannon media up to this point (Star Trek Prodigy could very well change this). We know Janeway has a sister and she is an artist, but that is it. Both novels keep her very similar personality-wise. In both stories, Kathryn is not looking forward to being a big sister. They also both mourn the loss of their father together. In Mosaic, she is not mentioned much. Kathryn tells her she is not old enough on an off planet trip and Phoebe plays pranks on her. The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway goes much more into depth. They don’t get along when they are younger. They fight a lot. I feel this is a very realistic portrayal of real siblings, vying for attention and approval, snapping when they don’t get their way.  They both excel at what they do, Kathryn in her studies and Phoebe through her art. They seem to need to one-up each other at every turn.  As they grow up, they grow closer together, as many siblings do. Points added for giving Phoebe a wife, something which has been included in a lot of fanfiction. Overall, there are no big conflicting points.

Mark Johnson

Kathryn’s fiance at the time of the Voyager’s disappearance, Mark is a very different part of Kathryn’s life in both novels. In Mosaic, he is a childhood friend and went by his middle name Hobbs. Seemingly always two steps behind Kathryn, he did a lot of the same activities that she did, tennis and swimming in the underground cave systems. He did these poorly, and this makes Kathryn always look down upon him. They reconnected after her father’s death and she fell head-over-heels for him. Personally, I always felt this was a little uncharacteristic of Kathryn, to run away from her responsibilities to be with a man. It just seems very out of character and has always bothered me. The  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway takes a completely different approach. She meets Mark as a friend of Pheobe and her wife as a widower. They hit it off and they fall hard. You can see the conflict in Kathryn as she debates how to move forward with a relationship as they have different outlooks on life. She has a drive to explore but does not want to be an absent parent. She debates quitting, which I don’t think is something Janeway would have ever done. Overall she decides to accept Mark’s proposal just before taking command of Voyager. This makes the Dear John situation a lot more believable as it makes sense that he would want to move on with his life much quicker. Overall, I have to just ask, why? I know Mark doesn’t have a lot of character, but why change basically their whole relationship dynamic? 

Justin Tighe

Justin is a character I actually like for selfish reasons. This explains why I was very miffed that he was nowhere to be seen in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Justin is Kathryn’s first love, they were coworkers, engaged and in love, and dies in the same accident that takes her father. As a person who always wanted Chakotay and Janeway to get together, this incident perfectly gives the reason. She is afraid to get romantically involved with a crew member because of the nature of the job. This dynamic is seen between Picard and Nella Daren in TNG very well. Kathryn has learned the hard way that she can lose a person under her command and how it feels when you are in love with that person. In early Voyager, you can see she isolates herself from the crew and it takes time for her to get comfortable. And during Night she relapses to her old ways. This is the way I have always justified Janeway’s reluctance to have a romantic relationship during their time in the Delta Quadrant. By understanding her background, I have a lot of respect for that choice. Her relationship with Justin really shaped how she handles relationships and without the impact he had on her life, it actually makes her character weaker.

Owen Paris

Owen is Kathryn’s mentor. In Mosaic, they meet as he is reviewing her junior honors thesis advisor on massive compact halo objects. From here they gained a relationship built on respect and learning. It makes sense that, as he was her personal mentor, that she would be close with his family, and why she would seek out Tom as a person to bring with her to the Badlands mission. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, she does not meet him until she is on the Al-Batani. This doesn’t only weaken her relationship with Admiral Paris, but moreover weakens her relationship with Tom. If he was her superior officer, why would she develop such a ‘big sister’ mentality to Tom if she didn’t have as many opportunities to meet him?

Tuvok

Mosaic does not go too much in depth with Tuvok and Janeway’s relationship, but its sister novel Pathways does. In Pathways, Tuvok meets Janeway when he is an ensign under her command of the USS Bonestell. The Bonestell and the Billings, two ships that Janeway served on, tend to get confused a lot. Most sources have Janeway’s first command as the Voyager, Including Voyager itself -  “It doesn't seem like my first command is shaping up the way I expected,” Janeway Shattered. The Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway has her and Tuvok meet on the Al-Batani. I actually really like the dynamic between them, as they grow to respect each other over a much longer period of time. I also like that, though Janeway climbs through the ranks, it does not change their relationship dynamic as she still relies on him and asks him advice as if they were equals. I think giving them a longer time to build their relationship. Also would like to note that Janeway and Tuvok also had a friendship with the original CMO of Voyager, Dr. Fitzgerald. I always wanted to know more about the Pre-Caretaker crew and I would have loved to see this dynamic and how the grief of losing a close personal friend in the Caretaker incident would impact them both.

Also I feel obligated to shout out the Janeway and Tuvok story in Star Trek Waypoint One-Shot. I need to get around to doing a series retrospective, but this short story I have not seen anyone talk about and I love it so much. Please read Waypoint. Okay next.

Other characters

Cheb - Janeway’s boyfriend in Mosaic. He was kind of an asshole and got her into trouble. He is not in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway and I see no problem with this.

Boothby - “[he is the] head groundskeeper at Starfleet Academy. When I was a cadet, he used to give me fresh roses for my quarters,” Janeway Revulsion. Boothby is not in Mosaic. In the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway, it is explained that her mother loved to garden and this was something that Boothby did as a gradian figure to make her feel at home and destress. Makes sense.

Aisha - A childhood friend of Katheryn’s. Only in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Mosaic has this weird thing about highlighting the relationships with only the men in her life, so it is nice to see her have some other female friends.

Nexa - Katheryn’s roommate at the Academy.  Only in the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. Nexa helps broaden Kathryn’s horizons by helping to learn about Exoliguisticts, first contact, and the Betazoid culture. Again nice to see her have other female friends.

Riker - Yes they go on a date in Mosaic. He is not mentioned in the  Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway. I know he is a gag character but I still liked it.

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Final Thoughts

A lot of characters were changed between these two novels. There is a lot to like and a lot to hate. I really like what the Autobiography of Kathryn Janeway did with characters like Tuvok and Gretchen Janeway. Other characters were not so lucky (Justin, sweetie I’m so sorry that they would erase you like that, oh my god). It’s a mixed bag, but one thing I need say is... why?

We have had a good thing going here with the established canon as is. Mosaic (and Pathways) is the foundation of which the last 25 years of fanworks and the relaunch novels are based on. Why change history when it is already written?

Always, would love to hear your thoughts and thank you for reading my novel of a post. I will see you in the full review.