#if you disagree with me on the last one your tastes are atrocious

[krelboyne2]

so. there are two frankie muniz hairstyles i would like to discuss.

my man has had some... questionable choices in the past. but i have one that i cant decide if it ate or not, and one that i KNOW ate

so. this one. i cant tell if he ate this up. i really cannot make up my mind as to whether or not i love or hate it.

THIS ONE. THIS ONE FUCKS SO HARD. AND IT WAS ONLY TEMPORARY. FOR LIKE A COUPLE MONTHS. AND IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT FRANKIE MUNIZ DOESN'T REALIZE HE EATS UP LONG HAIR.

[mistersourwolf]

An Old Lovers Quarrel- Geralt x Reader

Pairing: Geralt x Reader

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: hints at nsfw but not really nsfw at all, angry reader?? I don’t really have many warnings for this actually

Summary: Y/N hunts monsters just like any witcher except she is human. She is directed to Blaviken, the town in which only bad memories are tied to her, but she is here to go against a mutant whom she was told was lurking in the shadows. While in Blaviken she comes across Geralt, an old lover, one she hadn’t seen since the accidental death of a friend. A death caused by Geralt. They reconnect towards the end of the story and honestly just read because I feel I went all sorts of directions with this one but it IS worth the read I promise.

A/N: This is so insanely long but please do give it a read and reblog if you can. It took me about a week to write this as I wasn’t sure which direction I wanted to go with this, just a heads up Josef is just a character I planted in there to help the story run a lot smoother. I hope you do like it though and any feedback is welcomes and I do apologize if the end seems a bit rushed I was just so eager to have a finished piece but yeah :))

It was only noon when you pushed through the doors of the tavern, eyeing the elves and humans who sat amongst each other. They were in peace living among each other and as you could see they each shared bits of their traditions and culture. Surely a lot had changed since you’d last been here. You waved your hand at Josef, the barkeep. His eyes lit up at the sight of you and he quickly brought you a tankard, froth trickling down the side.

“You’ve returned, I wonder after all these years,” Josef leaned over the counter, smiling nastily, “what sort of devilry lingers in Blaviken?”

Sitting on the barstool, you took a swig of your ale and a cough rose from your lungs. “What is this? Goat piss?” You griped, wiping droplets of ale from your chin.

“I do remember you a particular one,” the barkeep grinned, “but honorable y/n, ‘tis the best ale in all of Blaviken.”

“I don’t doubt it, not a bit.” You sneered, glancing once more around the pub. “I’m looking for a witcher, one who‘s fond of hide and seek and I’ve no time for the antics of children.”

The barkeeps eyes widened at the mention of the brutish creature, a witcher, possibly in Blaviken.

“A mutant?” Josef quieted, “what business do you have with a beast like that?”

Your eyes narrowed, slightly offended by the barkeeps judgement for though you spited the witcher, you felt you were kindred spirits by divine will. You bit your tongue, saying nothing at all and taking a mouthful of that atrocious ale, forcing it down.

“Very well,” the barkeep continued, “You enjoy the ale.”

You watched him as he walked away, overlooking the tavern. Josef was an honest man, always considerably kind but an unapologetic brazen half-wit. It took a while for Josef to realize you were neither an elf, sorceress, or peasant but a simply a well respected human. One who sought out imminent dangers; to be precise you were the non-mutant witcher that even Witcher’s feared. A human hunter of all monstrosities that littered the world. Witcher’s didn’t belong on that list of horror but Geralt of Rivia held the honor of writing himself onto the non existent draft.

You finished up your ale, struggling to stomach the thickness of it but you managed, standing from your stool.

“Running off so soon?” The barkeep called out as you headed for the door, “You’ll come back to criticize more of my famed ale, will you?”

You turned towards him nodding, “My greatest pleasure in this town is downing tankards of your disgusting ale, Josef, I will return.”

The barkeep opened his mouth to speak but you never did hear his words as you rushed into the streets of Blaviken. Carts flew by you and you watched as the children played in the town, giggling maniacally. They had not a sliver of care in the world and you felt in the pit of your stomach the nostalgic feeling of being a know-nothing happy brat. It was years ago but still the memories of Sunday porridge with your mother as a girl were vivid. You stared into the crowds of people watching them disperse as the clacking of a horses trot rippled through the street. You watched the familiar horse emerge from the crowd and atop was a hooded figure. Your insides churned as your instincts told you who stood in front of you. You hurried behind a bush, placed conveniently by the tavern. Peeping from behind it you noticed the man jump from his mare, whispering to the animal. An odd, yet again, familiar thing to see. He turned away from the horse, trusting her to remain outside the tavern without so much as securing her to a pole. His pride radiated through each step he took. You winced hearing the door to the pub creak as he slowly entered, leaving your sight. You crept from the bush, brushing off the spiderwebs that must’ve been etched on the shrub and headed back inside the Tavern. You watched from inside the door as the witcher sat on a stool, dramatically pulling down his hood. Josef immediately approached the man with a tankard, as always overflowing with foam. The witcher took a swig of the awful concoction and a brutal hacking followed. You grinned, mentally telling Josef to shove Blavikens best ale up his ass. At that moment, you moved in on him, sitting on the neighboring stool.

Josefs eyes lit up seeing you back in the pub so soon but you stared him down coldly, sending a clear message not to bother you. You glanced over at the white-haired man, his eyes staring down at the bar top.

“Do you think I couldn’t sense you?” The witcher grimaced, “The hate you have for Blaviken, even the dead can feel your dread.”

You were startled by his sudden words which conveyed he remembered you well.

He raised his head to look at you, startling you as you forgot what it was to look him in his eyes which took on the bright bursting color of sunflower petals, a kaleidoscope of yellow and orange. It sent chills to your bones as you had forgotten how they could so easily penetrate the soul. You resisted shifting to puddy and instead held a strong stance, trying to get a read on him.

“That’s true, witcher,” you smiled, “I do pity this place. It is, after all, the place my mother and father abandoned me, where I was forced to kill my first monster and of course my biggest misfortune of all, where I met you.”

A frown masked his face, “I never meant any harm to—“

“You need not worry, witcher, I’m not here to avenge him. As much as I rightfully should, my hands will not command my dagger to be held against you.” you explained.

“So why trouble yourself to travel all the way to Blaviken?” He sighed. “I’ve not known you to come in peace.”

“Actually you’ve not known me at all, witcher.” You smiled nastily, “But if you must know, I’ve come seeking another mutant like yourself,“

Geralt looked taken back, assuming you were suggesting another witcher.

“Well, not exactly like yourself since this one is cursed. Birthed by her mother on the eclipse.” You explained watching Geralt drink from his tankard once more. He must’ve forgotten the taste of it as you watched his face contorted in horrific disgust.

“So I’ve heard,” He slid his cup away from him. “She comes for Stregabor, by the name of Renfri and from what he tells me, I see why she would pursue his demise. The Bastard.” He sneered.

“Well, I’m inquiring your help, Geralt, help me kill the—“

Geralts lips slightly turned upwards almost as if he were trying to smile, “I have a code, you’re forgetting but I do remember you an eager one.”

“I’ve heard particular now eager, I guess I leave quite an impression.” you grinned but the sound of the tavern doors swinging open caused you to turn your head. In walked a thin, lenient woman, her hair cut in a shapely bob made her way to the bar top.

“Josef!” She called out, “Two tankards, extra froth how I like it.”

The barkeep fumbled for the tankards, nervous in her presence. You turned back around facing Geralt, “You and I must be the only ones with any good taste in ale.”

Geralt watched the girl as she walked over to the two of you.

The brunette spoke up, “Well isn’t this the most prime example of opposites attracting? You two are together I assume?”

You disagreed shaking your head and letting a laugh rip from your lungs, “Not in his wildest dreams.”

The witcher grunted, amused knowing he already had you, long ago before your quarrel sent you both on separate paths.

She chimed in again, “Then it won’t be any trouble to steal your seat, will it?”

You felt jealousy stir in the pit of your stomach but calmed it, standing from your seat. Usually you would have twisted her arm and made her regret ever asking such a thing—to give up your seat so her entitled, everyone-loves-me self could have a seat next to him..but you were so sick of the impressions you made. Geralt tried to hold back a smug grin but couldn’t, knowing you were resisting your rage. You sat down the line from the two as she began making conversation with Geralt.

You noticed his eyes meeting yours every so often as she talked his ear off. Eventually his looks became focused on only her as you pestered Josef for more tankards of his shitty ale.

“Who is that?” You asked him, taking the cup from his hand.

His eyes gleamed at the sight of her, entranced by her very existence, “That is our beloved Renfri,” Your eyes widened at the mention of her name, this was the girl you’d been looking for. “been coming here these past few weeks and business is thriving more than it has in the last decade.”

You nodded at Josef, sipping your ale as you watched Geralt listen fondly to the girl. What did she want from him? You watched as they stood up from their stools, placing their tips on the bar top. Geralt made eye contact with you as he followed her out of the bar, seemingly to magnify you jealousy. It worked and you were certainly angered but again so sick of the first impressions you made.

For the rest of the evening, unsure of where the witcher and the girl had run off to, you sat at Josef’s tavern. By six o clock you were on your seventh tankard and booze practically seeped from your pores. Seeing Geralt brought back memories, ones you tried desperately to shove in the back of your mind. He had brought up the boy, the boy whom was loved so dearly in the village, the boy whom you had grown close to after your family left you to the streets of Blaviken. But as soon as memories of him surfaced you drowned them in the sea of your trauma, or in booze. Right now it was booze. You stumbled to your feet, slamming your coins on the surface of the bar.

“I knew I should’ve stopped you at tankard number three, y/n.” The barkeep said causing you to laughed obnoxiously, your breath reeking of ale.

“Take your coin and go to hell, my old friend.” You slurred, a stupid grin on your face. Your legs felt like jell-o as you headed towards the tavern door. Multiple times, you leaned onto the bar top to ensure your balance. You cursed at Geralt, pissed he had left you all alone at the pub. He owed you nothing but your stomach turned as you thought of the looks Renfri gave Geralt. You pushed through the doors into the evening landscape, a hand over your stomach as you retched, all the contents emptying from your stomach. Wiping your mouth with your sleeve, you stood upright again. You looked along the path heading to a local inn, it was going to be a difficult walk being as drunk as you were. However you made your way down the path receiving multiple stares from peasants, workmen, even children were disgusted by your souring look. You were far too lost in your head to even hear the trotting of a horse behind you, but the rider caught your attention shortly.

“You,” He said annoyed, “are not sober in the slightest. What have you gotten yourself into?” It was Geralt, seemingly concerned.

“Well, well,” you stumbled against him, “if it isn’t the absentee witcher.”

“Seriously y/n? What the fucking hell?” He grumbled, wrapping an arm around you and leading you to his horse.

“Yep,” you grinned, “What the fucking hell Geralt, you murdered an innocent boy.”

Geralt paused, glancing over at you who giggled idiotically, clearly unaware of what you were saying.

“Come on,” he muttered, throwing you on top his horse and then joining you. “Don’t fall.”

As the horse began to trot along the path again, your body rattled against Geralts. Your arms gripped tightly around his torso, terrified of falling from the horse. You were extremely intoxicated and so the scent of picked berries from the local shops made you feel hunger at a peak. He glanced every so often to make sure you were still awake and able to maintain your grip. The ride wasn’t long, only a few minutes compared to what would’ve taken you hours. Geralt leaped from his horse, immediately pulling you off and hurrying towards the inn. You stumbled down the halls of the inn, walking to your room. Geralt sighed annoyed by you as you fumbled in your back pockets, searching for what seemed like eternity for your room key.

Once inside, you ran towards your bed, jumping backwards onto it. The witcher was not amused, slamming the door shut behind him.

“You should get some rest,” He suggested, his voice a mix of concern and frustration. “If you want to get to Renfri in the morning.”

You sat up, eyeing him as he walked across the room, looking at your things. “Now you want to kill her, why the sudden change of heart?”

“I will not touch her, but I cannot stop you from killing her and I won’t let her kill you.” He admitted, hinting you were of importance to him.

“That’s endearing,” you stuttered, “to know I have your permission, tell me Geralt, did you ask my permission when you slaughtered the—“

“I know what he meant to you!” Geralt yelled, throwing a piece of china across the room. It shattered against the wall, not even earning a flinch from you. “When will you see it was not my intention? You brought him there when you knew—“

“How was I to know she was a Bruxa?” You raised your voice at him, “how was I to know she forged a bond with him? That he would try to protect her?” Tears welled in your eyes, blurring your vision.

Geralt grew quiet, ashamed that he tried to blame what had happened on you. You blinked, staring up at the ceiling in attempt to resist gravity. But you failed and multiple tears slid down your cheeks, now flustered and taking on a pinkish-red tone. Geralt walked over to you, sitting beside you. Silence with Geralt always was the opposite—horrendously loud. You know how he was feeling without him having to say it, and you leaned into him. His arm wrapped tightly around your shoulder, giving a small squeeze as you wiped your tears.

“I thought it would be easier to hate you but instead I’ve only had to suffer this loss alone.” You sniffled, your head still spinning from the excess amount of ale you had consumed.

“It’s easier to shift blame where it doesn’t belong than to accept a fate that we hate.” He said, clearing his throat at the end. “Just sleep. We will ride back into town at dawn.” Geralt pulled away, letting you lay back into your bed.

Geralt hadn’t even left your bed before you were fast asleep. He chuckled to himself, knowing you were sure to have an awful headache in the morning. Grabbing a spare pillow from your bed, he threw it onto the floor and stretched out on the floorboards. That evening he couldn’t sleep, his mind occupied by the days events. By sunrise, he was laying beside you, watching you in your peaceful slumber before you’d have to face the pain of a hangover.

You stirred in your sleep, squinting your eyes tightly as the bright sun illuminated the room. You groaned rolling over and to your surprise onto Geralts chest. You raised your head slowly, glaring at the witcher who peered down at you.

“I don’t imagine we...?” You hinted to the witcher, rolling your eyes as you ran your fingers through your hair.

Geralt smirked, “Not in my wildest dreams, I was once told.”

You rolled over off of Geralt, sitting up. As soon as you sat upright, a sharp pain beat against your temples. You groaned, massaging both sides of your head with your fingertips.

“Damn it.” you winced, squeezing the bridge of your nose.

“I might have something for you,” the witcher said, getting up from the bed and walking to his bag. “Here.” He said, pulling out a small bottle which was sealed with a cork.

You read the bottle which was a mix of Rosemary, Ginger and something you couldn’t even try to pronounce. You assumed it must’ve been a healing ingredient as the two herbs were easy enough to say.

“I trust this isn’t poison, but then again you do seek out the innocent.” You groaned, chugging the mixture down. The taste was horrifying and the texture even more so.

Geralt remembered your conversation from last night, realizing you were too drunk to remember. “You are miles from innocent and if it was poison I’d drink it myself if it meant not enduring your wit.”

You scoffed, walking towards your bag and grabbing a fresh pair of clothes. You didn’t bothering asking him to turn around as it was nothing he hadn’t seen before. His eyes tried to look in any other direction but he failed, coming back to your figure as you slipped your freshly cleaned shirt over your torso. You decided to keep your previous pants on as they were best to fight in and you knew there would be bloodshed today, whether it was your own or Renfri’s you did not know.

“Well, Come on then.” You said hiding a dagger in your boot and sliding your sword into your scabbard. You left the inn with Geralt behind you, following.

Geralt walked to Roach, talking as usual to the mare. “She’s a little bitter today, Roach, I apologize in advance.”

You kicked gently at Geralt, “It is impolite to gossip, now may we get going, witcher?”

Geralt smirked, climbing atop the horse as did you. Soon you reached the busy town of Blaviken, as usual children ran back and forth in the streets, racing their friends. Families walked together from shop to shop, seeing the same things they do any other day. Partially the reason you hated Blaviken was because nothing ever changed in the town. The people were the same for generations, the towns ale never got better, always a disgusting mixture easily comparable to piss, children were filthy and the shops worn down.

The tavern was in sight and in moments you were climbing down from Roach along with Geralt. Your headache had eased and nausea had subsided, it seems the remedy Geralt had given you was true to its purpose. You felt more lively than ever walking into the Tavern. Josef met eyes with you, ignoring Geralts brooding presence. “Surely you’re not back for another drink? This early?”

You smiled at Josef, his eyes a chilling blue-grey. “I don’t think I’ll drink for another decade, Josef,” you chuckled, “Have you seen Renfri?”

“Whats it to you?” The barkeep spoke in her defense, odd as you were his oldest friend. You grew up with Josef, his mother and yours were close friends up until she bolted from Blaviken.

“She’s a friend of mine.” You smiled, convincing him it was only of interest of you to reunite with an old friend. He didn’t seem very convinced, pulling back his lip unsure.

“You two didn’t seem that good of friends yester—“ Josef started only to be cut off by Geralt reaching across the bar top, gripping Josef tightly by his head of hair and slamming his head down on the bar top. The barkeep winced and you tugged at Geralts arm, worried for Josef.

“Alright, what has Josef done this time?” A voice called out from behind you two. You turned around but Geralt only shifted his body, still gripping Josef’s hair. The dainty brunette stood before both you and Geralt.

“They’re looking for—“ Josef tried to speak but Geralt slammed his head into the bar top once more, knocking him out this time. You nudged Geralt harshly, muttering some curse words.

“Now Josef is a good fellow, he doesn’t deserve to be attacked in his own pub, have you no manners witcher?” Renfri stepped closer to the witcher, her hand swiftly crossing his chest, “Oh yes, I do remember from last night you had quite the manners.”

You shot a glare at Geralt who avoided your stare as if he could sense the anger building inside you again. He gently pushed the brunette back so she wasn’t standing so close.

“Well it seems you aren’t the one looking for me so what do you want?” She said turning towards you, looking at you as if you were a peasant. It humbled you as you don’t recall the last time someone had a gaze like hers.

“Something very simple,” you murmured, now wanting her dead more than ever. “A gift for the queen, your head on a platter.” You grabbed the hilt of your sword, pulling it from its sheath.

Screams emerged from the crowd and in seconds the only ones who stood in the tavern were you, Renfri and the witcher. She was just as quick as you, whistling before unsheathing her own sword. A mob of men came from the shadows of the tavern, standing against you as well. Geralt gripped his sword, walking towards the men to fend them off. Your sword clashed with Renfris as your feet danced on the floor with her. Her weapon slashed through the air and you ducked under swiftly, slicing her side. She didn’t skip a beat, spinning around and aiming behind your legs. You jumped over her sword, feeling the sharp edge knick your achilles but not deep enough to disable you. You heard the agonizing screams of Renfris goons, Geralt was slaughtering each one of them and Renfri fell distracted by this. You took the opportunity to slash across her chest which she fell back from, her sword fell from her hands and you jumped on top of her, holding your sword to her throat. She leaned into the blade, which cut slightly into her throat. With a quick movement, her head butted against you making you fall back onto your ass. You winced, feeling a sensation similar to your hangover. You leapt back up, clutching your sword tightly as she fumbled for hers. You two stood on opposing sides of the table, circling it with your swords pressing against each other’s, each of you applying all your strength to overthrow each other. Suddenly, one of Renfris men fell into the table, breaking the barrier between you two. You swooped down in a pirouette slicing the back of her thigh.

“Agh!” She yelled, but continued to work her sword. She would not back down and was persistent despite her bleeding injuries. With one final clash, she knocked your sword from your hands. You stumbled back, hitting your head against the hard floor. In seconds she climbed on top of you, her legs on either side of you as she pressed her own sword firmly against your neck just as you did to her moments ago.

“You’ve come for my head and now it seems I’ll have yours.” She quipped, a strong hatred in her eyes, “I do hope this isn’t over the witcher, but bless his soul he knows how to pleas—.”

Her body arched above you as you watched a sword rip through her upper abdomen. Blood dripped onto you as she collapsed over you but not before being kicked aside by none other than Geralt. He offered you a hand but you refused, standing to your feet just fine in your own.

“Y/n, what she said..” Geralt tried to explain but you didn’t let him. You pushed his chest shoving him back, then again and again.

“I ask you to help me kill her and you decide to fuck her instead?!” You shouted furiously, giving one last final shove. Geralt said nothing but gave you eyes of sorrow, those eyes you could no longer stomach to look at.

“You think you’re gonna save my life and have me leap into your arms?” You yelled, truly wondering his thought process, “You are pathetic.”

You ran out of the tavern, a strong urge to burst into tears but you couldn’t. For whatever reason, you just couldn’t.

Geralt rushed after you, “Let me take you to the inn, it is too cold to walk, you’ll freeze.”

“I wonder, will you attempt to warm me as you did her?” You scoffed, crossing your arms, it really was cold.

Geralt stared at you as you avoided his eyes, his beautiful bright yet dark and sad eyes. “You don’t understand, she’s a mutant, one who enchants men she comes across—“

“Oh poor you, the mighty Geralt of Rivia, fallen victim to a scummy brunette.” You laughed as if that was masking your anger but even Geralt knew the dangers of a woman laughing when upset.

“I’m a witcher, y/n, but I’m not immune to magic, no,” he grew agitated by your rudeness, “but I did everything I could to resist.”

You cursed under your breath, finally looking at him. His eyes spoke volumes of guilt, unaware Witcher’s could even feel guilt. Saying nothing to him, you mounted yourself on Roach. As Geralt joined you on top the horse, your arms instinctively wrapped around his torso causing him to turn his head to the side, watching the outline of your figure lean against him for support. A small smile creeped along his lips, though he didn’t let you see it.

Arriving at the inn, you entered your room which felt like heaven as a blanket of warmth wrapped around you. You grew hot from the sudden shift in temperature and immediately stripped despite Geralt being there. He paid no attention to you though not wanting to hear any remarks from you. He then did the same except he only removed his armor and shoes, nothing else. You put something less bloody and looser on, feeling much better after the wardrobe change. The two of you said nothing on the way to the inn and even moments after sitting in your room. He wandered your room aimlessly, looking for nothing in particular but noticing everything. He came across an instrument hidden in the corner of your room beside your bed. He picked it up carefully, he was reminiscing and made it no secret.

“I know a bard who would treasure a lute of this woodwork.” He said softly, strumming his fingers in one swift motion. You looked at him, holding the dainty instrument in his arms.

“It belonged to—Its the only thing I have left of him.” You were hesitant but smiled at the thought of him, the boy who you’d been best friends with for years. You didn’t know how to play the damn thing but it was something he had always talked about teaching you one day. “What’s this bards name?”

“Jaskier,” Geralt said placing the lute back in its original place, “I came across him a few years after our parting and it would be a dishonor to say he’s a persistent one. He is far more than persistent.” Geralt cracked a small smile thinking of his friend.

“Is he human?” You asked.

“He is, yes. He would drive you mad, I know that much.” Geralt walked over sitting on the bed beside you.

“You really didn’t feel anything for her did you Geralt?” You asked shyly, knowing it shouldn’t even matter to you. You left him years ago after the incident, it was you who made the choice to part ways with him. He reached out, tilting your chin towards him.

“Nothing more than magic tethered me to her,” he said, assuring you it was nothing to do with chemistry but manipulation. “I’ve never fought anything so strong but I did and if I had to I’d do it again.”

Your heart warmed hearing this from your witcher, the witcher who was usually not so open with his feelings. You had that power over him and always did. You two were open books with each other and despising him all these years just set you up to melt right into his hands. You forgot the connection between you and the witcher through all of your quarrel.

“I know,” you admitted, feeling a rush of emotions. “and I-I’ve missed you.”

Geralt tilted his head down, pressing his lips to yours. You leaned into the kiss, draping your arms over his shoulders, intertwining your fingers behind him. You pulled him on top of you as you laid into your mattress. His lips were hungry and each kiss more ambitious than the last. He broke the kiss crossing his arms and pulling his shirt over his head revealing a broad chest. You missed every part of him and having been apart from him all these years tore your heart just thinking about it. But you didn’t, you focused on his fingers gripping your hips and tugging at the hem of your shirt. He slid the shirt over your head, revealing your proportioned figure. He missed the sight of you beneath him and what would follow these moments would be a pleasurable reconnection, one of kindred souls.

You laid breathlessly on his chest, tracing patterns on his skin. He hummed as you did this, his eyes fluttering in and out. It had been long since he had slept but he was calm and at rest. The morning sun still lit the room, and you had forgotten it was only a few hours past sunrise.

“So,” you said calmly, breathing in his scent, one you missed dearly. “When can I meet your beloved friend?”

Geralts eyes opened at this, a smirk on his lips, “I don’t think friend is quite the term for Jaskier, more of a pleasant nuisance.”

You smiled, propping yourself up on a pillow “Then fine, when can I meet this nuisance?” You corrected yourself, running your fingers through the Witcher’s pearl colored hair.

“If nothing is waiting for you after Blaviken then come with me.” Geralt said staring at the ceiling above him. You leaned over planting a kiss on his lips, smiling broadly. Laying back into his arms, you watched as he fell into a deep sleep. You soon followed and fell into a dream state on top of the man who you thought you would hate forever. But as a dear friend once said to you, your fate is written and those who are fated for each other find each other in the most vulnerable times.

[noodlewright]

Characters: Clockwork, Danny Fenton Pairings: None Rating: G -

Danny had hardly returned to the ghost zone when he was suddenly surrounded by dozens of ghosts. Each had a single eye and they wore ridiculously huge cloaks. He was surprised. Danny had seen them from afar several times, but never together. To be honest, he had assumed that it was just one ghost that liked to get around.

The one closest gestured toward him. “Hand the Infi-Map here, child.”

“No, I gotta take it back.” He had only taken it for a brief, but necessary, quest with the blessings of Frostbite.

“It shouldn't have left in the first place. You've done something terrible.”

The ones in back tutted loudly. “Atrocious.”

“Inconceivable.”

“Irresponsible.”

“Done what? I didn't do anything wrong.” I mean sure, Clockwork probably wasn’t going to be happy when he heard about it, but it wasn’t like Danny had planned to jump through time today. Things just, you know, developed. Like things always did in his life.

They muttered among themselves, as though affronted that Danny had spoken up for himself. “You put out that fire. Do you have any idea what you've done?”

“Well, if I had to guess," Danny ticked off his fingers, "I would say that I've put out a fire, saved a bunch of people from said fire, and nope, just can't think of any reason to let a house burn.”

“That family you saved will go on to raise a killer. I have seen it!” the first one cried.

“I have also seen it!” another one shouted.

“That child is Hitler!” came the final screech.

Danny's mouth dropped open. “I saved Hitler?” he squeaked.

“No! I was exaggerating! But you’ve brought Doom upon us all!”

Yep, these people were a little too much for him. “Hey, you know, this spectacle sure has been fun, but I think I have to go see my-”

One of them pointed at him. “You're not going anywhere!”

He gathered ectoplasm in his free palm. “I’ll go where I-!”

An influx of ear-bursting noise sounded. It was as if an explosion went off in a deep pit and pitched to where he didn't only hear it, but he felt a steady vibration from within. Danny instinctively ducked and raised a shield.

A blur of color careened into one of the ghosts. Purple merged and twisted around green in a flurry of movement. Everyone paused to determine what it was they were seeing.

Two masses struggled to get their bearings. A mess of arms tried to simultaneously push and pull at the other. 

“-I’m here cut it out!” The purple mass shouted.

“Clockwork! You- you aren’t-”

Clockwork shoved his hand in the Eyeball-ghost’s- face? Head? “No! I have a handle on this! It's taken care of. Let's all just go home.”

Someone yelled from the right. “I don't think there's a handle on anything! Not-Hitler is alive! Forty-seven paradoxes developed, and a black hole in the Tiga quadrant regurgitated Neesyps Hell! How is this taking responsibility?!”

“I never promised that difficulties wouldn't arise, only that I would deal with them. And I have. The matter is closed.”

“I disagree! Let nature take him, you're too careless to-”

Clockwork launched off of the first ghost and latched onto the speaker, mere inches from his face. “It was four-hundred and eighty-three paradoxes and I fixed ALL of them. I put Hell back in its place and this is nothing. You sleep through worse. Are you calling me incompetent? Do you think I would let him into my abode if I wasn't prepared, and capable, of facing time-fracturing on the universal scale?”

The jelly around the guy’s eyeball turned a darker shade of green. “I- well- it's still sloppy.”

“I thought the same when my staff was lodged in your head last year.”

“. . . That was Johnson you inconsiderate savage.”

A thin, whiny voice sounded from among them. “You can manage a better grip, can't you? The eyestrain of that many temporal anomalies is a special kind of torture. Just because you're made for it, doesn't mean the same for us.” 

A murmur of agreement spread.

“Fine. You have my word, the matter will be addressed.”

“Good,” the ghost said, incapable of forgoing the last word.

And they left, one of them shooting what Danny thought could be a stink eye toward him, but he honestly wasn’t sure.

Clockwork slowly meandered over to Danny. It was only just then that Danny noticed how strained the ghost looked. His color was off, and there seemed to be several new holes in his cloak. “Um, what-”

Clockwork pulled the map out of Danny's hand and swatted him over the head with it. It didn't hurt, but Danny still made of noise of surprise. “You've been very troublesome. Don't. Do it. Again.”

A sense of shame washed over him, but it didn't last. Indignation boiled it away in a heartbeat. “I didn't really have a choice! You know that! And if you were really against it, you could have stopped me!”

The spirit waved the map in front of his face. “This object makes it very hard to discern the time-line and obfuscates any it interacts with.”

Oh.

Oh shit. 

When Danny had first hopped back in time, he did what he thought was reasonable, but he had been banking on the thought that if he messed up, or if something went wrong, Clockwork could fix it. And apparently he was right. Danny just didn't think it would possibly be that bad.

“It- Oh no.” He really messed something up, didn't he? “I- four-hundred paradoxes?”

Clockwork leaned close. There was a glimmer in his eye. “It was actually closer to two hundred, but four sounds very impressive doesn't it?”

Danny nodded slowly. “How . . . bad are they though? How do you fix them? What really are they?”

“It's complicated.”

“Well, who were those guys? They were really mad. Are they like your bosses?”

Clockwork laughed. “They’re the Observants and they like to think so. Steer clear of them, when you can. They are entirely capable of bringing trouble with them.”

The memory of burning flames and a tear-streaked face hit him. “What about Not-Hitler? Is he dead?”

“Oh yes, Lewis. I knew that that would bother you, so I made sure he never tasted human blood and got a satisfying life as a musician.”

Human blood? “That's . . . great,” he murmured, at a loss for words.

The ghost gave a self-satisfied smile. “Yes, it went pretty well, I think. But for the future’s sake, don’t ever feel like you need to mess with the time-line.”

-

It wasn't long after the Infi-Map debacle, that Danny posited another question.

“Do you fix a lot of stuff like that?”

“Mhm.”

“What happens if you don't?”

Clockwork eyed him, then looked away. “Odd things start to happen.”

“Like what?”

Clockwork took a moment to himself, but didn’t leave him waiting for long. “There was once a city that was the hot-spot of an anomaly. Everything and everyone there experienced a rapid change. Their local time had sped up to an astonishing degree and they quickly outpaced the world around them. One moment, the town over saw the city's normal horizon, and then in the next, there was nothing but crumbling buildings and dust.”

“That's scary. Really scary. How come it went bad? Couldn't they have like, a really cool super-advanced society?”

“Perhaps, but if I'm correct in this case, places like that have trouble securing a renewable water supply. Add that with unreliable daylight, and things go wrong very quickly.”

“So they die?” Those poor people. “That's terrible.”

“Yes. They're fine now though.”

“What causes them? I mean, other than me,” he asked sheepishly.

An irritated breath escaped the ghost. “Usually some uppity time travellers in this or other neighboring timelines. Although, some are natural and appear when black holes decide to shake things up. The moment I fix a dozen, twenty more crop up. It's ceaseless.”

That sounded like the kind of terrifying fact that would be keeping him wide-awake at night. “I guess we’re lucky we have you here to fix things then.”

“ . . . You might say that, but . . . ” Clockwork picked at the frayed edges of his cloak. There wasn’t a whole lot of reason to share it, but he literally didn’t see a reason why keeping it would be detrimental. “I don’t quite have proof of it, but I think there might be something about my existence that makes Time a little more fragile than it should be.”

Danny’s face scrunched in thought. “That’s weird.”

Clockwork agreed.

-

More - Next

[florencwrites]

ECHOES, PAGE TEN 〚dreamwastaken〛

Sam allows Dream to write a singular message, one that he so desperately seeks. A visitor comes to cheer her up, he never fails to. series homepage

"I bet he stinks so bad in there." Tommy had taken up on her offer to join her by the water for a bit. They looked for a few flat and round rocks for him, she got about five; he had two entire pockets full. She sat silently watching him do his little thing, swinging her legs to wade her feet through the water. The patter of the bouncing was calming, comforting. She smiled at his comment, he'd always been necessarily and irrevocably mean. Brutal. He didn't always mean it, he was just honest like that. An admirable trait.

"You know he's got like a shower and stuff in there right?" She plucked some flowers from the grass and laid them out in her lap. They had moved to a fresh patch of lawn since her dirt-ridden spot wouldn't suffice apparently. She tangled them together to make a little bracelet, or perhaps a necklace.

"You don't know that." He mumbled, loudly exclaiming, "And even if he does, I bet he doesn't use it."

He threw another rock across the water, it was a still day. The waves ebbed just the tiniest bit, the wind had laid down for the past few hours. The direction had also changed; the prison was now blocking the tide almost entirely. She joked softly, however, she knew she secretly hoped for it to be true, "Maybe he's too busy to shower."

"Busy doing what?" He snorted at her comment, picking another rock and examining it thoroughly. It had a reddish hue, seemed bumpy, too. Granite, probably. You didn't really see a whole lot of that on the surface, especially not along this part of the ocean. "He must be bored out of his mind, no girls, nothing in there. Only fucking Sam, and he's mean when he's in there."

"You've been in there?" She piped up at his statement, immediately straightening her back to face him. He shrugged, "Yeah, it was decent, I guess. Quite dark for my taste. 'Was before they locked him in there, though."

"Well, what's it like?" She tried prying for a little more information. She wasn't going to try and break in or anything crazy, but she was convinced there'd be a day Sam would sway and allow her entrance to the Vault. She wanted to be prepared in the slightest, that's all.

Tommy pulled his feet from the water, making a face at the greens that had stuck to his ankles. He dropped himself to lay in the grass, legs propped up on the edge. "Weird. Very weird."

"It's very small on the inside, you know? Reckon I could break in, I'm smart enough to pull it off." She didn't dare disagree with him, so she decided to let it slide, nudging him to carry on. "Sam's a psychopath. Throwing potions and shit."

"I didn't see the main cell, but I bet it's boring, anyway."

She, too, let her body fall into the grass. "Sam asked him to write me something, ya know?"

Her eyes glossed with silent tears, her heart aching at the mere mention of what seemed like his ultimate betrayal. Tommy noticed the change in atmosphere, he'd always been a quite perceptive kid. Doesn't mean he'd adjust any of his behavior, though. "What'd the prick say?"

"He hasn't written me back yet."

"He fucking what?" He near shattered her eardrums from the sheer volume. She silently thanked God, maybe she hadn't been overreacting. If Tommy found it ridiculous there'd be a chance that whatever she was feeling was valid, and she felt particularly forsaken right now. "After all you did for him? I'll fucking murder him-"

She let him ramble on about what atrocious things he would do once he finally got his hands on him, but really her mind was wandering elsewhere. She couldn't fathom the idea that maybe he truly had deserted her, relinquished on what they had.

"I just really miss him, Tom." She let a tear roll down the side of her face. She tried so hard, so incredibly hard to not let him see her in her weakest state. But she simply couldn't anymore. He didn't deserve to see her like this, but she was incapable of numbing it out anymore. So far, the tears had been silent, though.

"I miss him, too, sometimes, you know?" They laid in silence for a bit, looking up at the clouds that were slowly drifting over their swirling minds. "Never told anyone that I don't think."

"It's okay. He once was your friend, too." She grabbed his hand, intertwining their fingers and resting them on the patch of grass separating them. "You're not a bad person for missing a friend, Tommy."

"You ever miss Techno?" His voice was meek, small. "I stayed with him for a while. Him and dad."

Her breath hitched, her heart ached like it hadn't done in ages. A rush took over her body. It felt as if someone had been choking her out for years upon years, a little bit tighter every day, and they had suddenly let go of the rope.  She couldn't remember the last time he had referred to his father by anything other than Philza.

"I do, I miss him all the time. You had fun?" She tried playing it off, however, the tight hold he had kept on her hand gave him away. He had noticed, too.

He deliberated on his answer for a little bit. "I think he is very cross with me."

"What happened?" She was careful with her choice of words. She knew how much he had always hated when he would come home as a little kid, telling his family about something that occurred in the fields. He'd come home with the saddest frown and the first thing that would be thrown at him would be an agitated, "What'd you do?" Therefore, she vowed to always see the best in him. Especially because nobody else did.

"I don't think I want to talk about it.." He spoke with a certain confusion in his words, he knew he was safe, he didn't need to hide anything, not with her. "I just know that I miss him and that I don't like it."

[eldritchsurveys]

678.

music;

x1 Your top three favorite bands: >> I don’t really have favourite bands anymore, but three bands that I enjoy a lot are Muse, Nevermore, and Coheed & Cambria.

x2 One song that means a lot to you: >> Nothing As It Seems by Pearl Jam.

x3 An instrument you dislike: >> I don’t think I dislike any instrument.

x4 A musician you think others should know more about: >> I don’t think there’s any musician that everyone should know about. It’s not that deep. Listen to whatever you like.

x5 Some lyrics you find meaningful: >> There’s no way I’m going to think of some off the top of my head.

x6 The name of one of your past music teachers: >> I think one of my choir instructors was named Mrs Brosnan.

x7 A musician who inspires you: >> Clint Mansell.

x8 A song from your childhood, that you used to sing: >> I sang stuff from the Prince of Egypt soundtrack a lot when I was a kid. Which is why I still remember all the lyrics.

x9 A description of your music taste: >> I wouldn’t bother describing it.

x1o One thing you believe about music in general: >> I believe that people should listen to whatever moves them, and being snobbish about which artists/genres are “better” than others completely ignores the pure subjectivity of the experience and makes you annoying to be around. The analytics of music is a very interesting area of study, certainly, but when it comes to whatever people choose to listen to for their own pleasure, leave that stuff at the door.

x11 Do you judge other peoples' taste? >> No. See above.

x12 Do you think you have "good taste"? Why|why not? >> I don’t care about whether my taste in music is “good” or “bad” to other people. It’s just what I like listening to. Again, it’s not that deep.

x13 Are there any concerts you'd like to go to? >> Sure, a few.

x14 What would be a perfect line-up, in your opinion? >> I don’t have any ideas for a perfect line-up.

x15 What do you think of modern VS older music? >> I stay away from comparison. I mean, I’ve definitely had discussions about how the music industry has changed, how listening habits have changed, stuff like that -- because that’s stuff that’s easy to measure. Whether music was “better” “back then” and all that is not of interest to me, because it’s really just opinion and not even useful opinion. Some of the music I like is leagues older than me, some of it came out just last year.

life;

x1 What is one lesson you have learned? >> Oh, you know. Everything is temporary, and such.

x2 Have you ever reconnected or reunited with old friends? >> No.

x3 Were you ever in a hurry to grow up? How'd that work out? >> I was in a hurry because nothing about being a minor made sense to me -- life really only started making sense to me when I was out on my own. Even when it was terrible, it made sense. I could figure shit out. Trial and error never really scared me.

x4 What did you tend to think of school, as a kid? As a teen? >> I don’t know what I thought of school as a child, but I know it was the bane of my existence as a teenager.

x5 Do people have to earn your respect? >> I give basic respect to everyone, regardless of their personality or whatever, unless their behaviour is just full-on atrocious. But more personal, deeply-felt respect is something that is developed for a certain kind of person.

x6 Or is it given until there's a reason for it not to be? >> That’s how basic respect works for me, yeah.

x7 What is something you've learned about trust? >> I’ve learned that it’s a really valuable thing, but people will definitely treat it like it’s nothing, and that’s a tragedy.

x8 What advice do you have regarding happiness? >> Don’t make a big deal out of it. It’s really, really not that deep. The cult of happiness is just a huge money-maker for the corporations, none of which actually have your well-being at heart. Also, the definition of happiness varies depending on who you talk to and what angle they’re pushing, so as far as intangible things go, it’s ridiculously mercurial and insubstantial. Make your goals more specific than “be happy/happier” or else you’ll always fail.

x9 In your own opinion, what is the meaning of life? >> Whatever you want. There’s no inherent meaning, in my opinion, which means it’s all up to the individual.

x1o Who|What makes living worthwhile? >> I don’t know. Whatever sparks joy, I guess.

x11 If there was no God, would you still want to live? >> Luckily, there are far, far more reasons to enjoy being alive than the concept of God.

x12 When was the last time you altered your lifestyle? >> I’m not sure. My lifestyle has been rather stable for the past couple of years.

x13 What is your take on getting older? >> I’m interested to see what happens.

x14 Do you think you are wise? >> Nah.

x15 Do you believe in an afterlife? Why|Why not? >> Nah. It just doesn’t jive with me. Well... on the other hand, I interpret Inworld as an afterlife and neither of the current Inworlders have disagreed with me. But it’s not... like, literal “after-life”. They could also be living other lives, simultaneously, or in parallel to this one, or before this one or after this one or... whatever. It still doesn’t track with the idea of, say, Heaven, which is a very ... linear destination. Hm.

people;

x1 Do you ever observe other people, at random? >> Sure.

x2 What is one thought you have about society today? >> I don’t really have thoughts about society as a whole. I usually have thoughts about specific aspects of American society, like media influence and individualism and stuff like that. But those thoughts change frequently as new information is presented to me, so I wouldn’t quote them or anything.

x3 Can you agree to disagree, easily? >> Sure.

x4 Do you ever wonder about what goes on in other peoples' minds? >> Of course. Especially neurotypical people. What’s it like to have a brain that functions the way you expect and need it to, all the time???

x5 Do you try to persuade others to think like you? >> Eh. I am always up for offering my perspective on things, but there’s no way I can expect to convince anyone to adopt my perspective if they don’t already have it. It might happen, on some odd occasion, but I don’t expect it to.

x6 Has someone tried to persuade you to see things from their point of view? >> Sure. It’s usually not too difficult for me, though. Whether I care about their point of view is the thing that matters, not whether I can grok it or not.

x7 What is one lifestyle you do not understand? >> I cannot think of a single lifestyle I just flat-out don’t understand. (Yes, you should consider that a challenge.)

x8 How do you think people with mental disorders should be treated ( socially, not medically )? >> Well, with dignity and compassion, of course. How else?

x9 Is there a subculture you dislike or make fun of? >> Nah. I like subcultures, even the ones I don’t participate in.

x1o What do you hate about humanity? >> Nothing.

x11 Do you contribute to what you hate? If yes, in what way? >> ---

x12 Do you wonder what the world would be like w|o people? >> Sure, it’s a fun thought exercise.

x13 Is interacting with others something you enjoy? >> Under certain conditions.

14 Do you think the government is up to something? >> I mean, aren’t they always? But maybe not necessarily the stuff r/Conspiracy says they’re up to.

x15 What is one cure for ignorance? >> The only cure for ignorance that I’m aware of is the willingness to learn.

[saber-wing]

Atone

Fandom: Dragon Age - Inquisition.

Maxwell Trevelyan is under the impression his family couldn’t give two shits whether or not he’d died at the Conclave.

He’s wrong.

“My Lord Herald?”

Maxwell looked up from the letter he was trying – and failing – to write. He had already destroyed several sheets of parchment attempting to find the right words. So far, he hadn't come up with anything better than: 'Dear Mother and Father, I'm not dead.'

This, therefore, was an unwelcome distraction. He scowled, throwing his quill-pen down with a disgusted sigh. A scout stood in the entryway, shuffling his feet.

Max took a breath, making a visible effort to soften his demeanor. His sour mood wasn't this poor sod's fault.

“Yes, what is it?”

“Apologies for disturbing you at such an early hour, Master Trevelyan, but there's a man making a ruckus at the gates. He claims to be your family.”

Max rolled his eyes. “Another one? That's the third this month.”

“Yes, well...” The scout shifted uncomfortably. “This one is rather insistent he be allowed inside Haven. I...thought you might want to be informed, Your Worship.”

These impostors were persistent. Max wished he knew where they were all coming from, so he could tell them not to bother. No Trevelyan would ever waste time and resources coming here – certainly not for anything as unseemly as a 'heartfelt' reunion.

Max gripped the bridge of his nose, heaving a put-upon sigh. “All right, I'll handle it. Thank you.” The scout nodded and fisted a hand over his heart, exiting the room.

Max straightened the collar of his tunic, squaring his shoulders as he strode toward the gates. No sooner had he slammed through them that a distant argument drifted to his ears.

One of the voices was unfamiliar, but the other...

“I apologize for the inconvenience, Serah...”

“Trevelyan. Lord Trevelyan of Ostwick.”

The Inquisition guard's voice was tired and flat – much like a man who'd spent the whole week making the same argument. “I understand you've come a long way, 'Lord Trevelyan of Ostwick,' but it changes nothing. I must clear it with my superiors before I can let you through.”

“I understand you have rules. I'm happy to camp out here with my men until further notice, but won't you at least tell me if my brother is safe? If he is here, you must know of him. He's the Herald of Andraste. Or...so I'm told.”

The guard stood his ground, crossing his arms over his chest. “With all due respect, Your Lordship, if I believed every degenerate who said he was related to the Herald, he'd probably be dead right now.”

Tobias Trevelyan opened his mouth to reply, freezing when he caught sight of Max. His shoulders sagged, as if a weight had been lifted from them. “There you are.” He closed the distance between them in three long strides, wrapping Max in a crushing embrace. “Oh, thank the Maker.”

Maxwell blinked, reeling with shock. He waved off the guards, all drawing their swords against the stranger 'assaulting' their Herald. He allowed himself to be crushed into his brother's plate-mail, too taken aback to protest. The archer wheezed his reply when his brother finally released him. “What are you doing here?”

Tobias scoffed, looking mildly offended. “What am I doing here? I thought you were dead!”

Max snorted. “Give Matthew my condolences, he'll be dreadfully disappointed.”

Tobias pursed his lips, giving Max an inscrutable look, but he didn't correct him, which was all the answer he needed. “Our parents are sick with worry. Tell me you've at least written to them.”

“It's...” Max rubbed the back of his head, grimacing. “On my to-do list.”

Tobias pinched the bridge of his nose. “Max, really.”

The archer at least had the decency to look sheepish. “I'm working on it.”

“How difficult is it to write, 'Dear Mother and Father, I'm not dead.'”

“That's...actually all I've got so far.”

Tobias released a chuckle – one that sounded dangerously close to a sob.

Max stared, wide-eyed.

Max's brothers – Matthew and Tobias – were natural politicians. They could slip into facades as effortlessly as a pair of shoes, and usually reveled in it. For that mask to slip, even for a moment, was simply unheard of. An unpardonable lapse of control.

Max loved his family – despite everything – but he hated those masks. Hated everything they stood for. Toby was the only one who tried to understand. He'd even gone out of his way to defend Max, whenever anyone sought to exploit it. The middle Trevelyan son had a soft spot for Max – one that Matthew continually brought up with measured disdain.

Still, a Trevelyan wasn't emotional. They could be displeased, if the occasion required it. They could be cold, calculating. Maybe even warm, so long as it didn't leave them in a vulnerable position. But emotional? Never.

Toby wasn't being emotional, not over Max. He couldn't be. The very notion was ridiculous.

“Oh, never mind. It doesn't matter now.” Tobias smiled tremulously, gathering Max into his arms again; this time, the younger man returned the embrace. Tears pressed at the backs of his eyes.

The older man pulled away, gripping Max by both shoulders. “Did you really think I wouldn't care?”

Of course not. The proper response sprang to his lips, curling on the tip of his tongue. The words caught in his throat instead; settled there, in a sickening lump.

His brother's face fell, for a split second that – for a Trevelyan – may as well have been an eternity.

Maxwell blanched. “Toby...”

“Don't.” The older man raised a palm, pained. “I've only myself to blame.”

The archer narrowed his eyes. He wanted to unpack that last statement a bit more, but something else caught his attention as Tobias lowered his hand. Green and yellow bruising peppered his knuckles.

“What are those?” Max frowned, gesturing to the marks. “Did you run into trouble on your way here?”

“The odd demon here or there.” Tobias shrugged, as if dangerous fade-creatures weren't a big deal. “But no. These are of a...personal nature. Our dear brother thought I was daft, rounding up enough men to come traipsing down here after you. I disagreed. Loudly.”

“I...” Maxwell blinked owlishly. “...I'm sorry, what?”

“We had a disagreement at a charity gala. It came to blows.”

“...this was in front of people?”

Toby nodded stiffly. He sounded both oddly proud and mildly horrified. “Half the noble houses in the Free Marches had a representative there. Naturally, you were the main topic of conversation. Matthew was rather...callous in his speculation of events at the Temple of Sacred Ashes. I...may have overreacted just a tad.”

Max couldn't believe what he was hearing. He spluttered, running his fingers through his hair. “Hold on. Let me get this straight. You...lost your shit and punched our brother in the face. At a public event.”

“Yes, dear heart,” Tobias scoffed, a light blush coloring his cheeks. “Please don't make me say it again.”

Dear heart. An old pet name mother used to have for them when they were little. Maxwell's breath caught. No one had called him that since...

He couldn't remember.

“I don't get it.” Max blinked, perplexed. “Why?”

“Oh, for...” Tobias blew an exasperated breath between his teeth. “Because he is a pompous, useless waste of existence with all the compassion of a used chamber pot.” He reached out, caressing Max's chin with a thumb. “And because you are my brother, and when I thought you were dead, little else mattered.”

“Oh.” Max replied, struggling to keep the tremor from his voice.

Judging from the worried expression his brother leveled at him, he didn't think he'd entirely succeeded. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn't swallow, no matter how hard he tried. His breath caught.

No. Nope. This was not happening. Max absolutely, one-hundred-percent was not going to cry. He refused.

As luck would have it, Haven's gates chose that moment to slam open. Ambassador Montilyet glided toward them, immaculate as ever. Her face, however, was a storm cloud as she approached the brothers, dipping into a flawless curtsy. “My Lord Trevelyan, please allow me to apologize on behalf of the Inquisition, for your absolutely atrocious reception.”

“No need. Please excuse my terrible manners. It is I who dropped in on you unannounced.” Tobias took her hand. “Tobias Trevelyan. It is an absolute pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lady...”

“Montilyet. The pleasure is mine, I assure you.” Josephine smiled graciously.

Toby inclined his head, slinging an arm around Max's shoulders. “And thank you ever so much for taking such good care of Max for me. I've been positively beside myself.”

Casual words, to an outside observer. They hit Max like a ton of bricks. He cleared his throat as they entered Haven, alarmed when his vision blurred. His chest tightened, breath hitching despite his best efforts.

Panic rose up to choke him.

Oh.

Oh, no.

He needed to excuse himself. Fast.

Josephine offered a tour of Haven, which Toby wholeheartedly accepted. Luckily for Max, they were locked pretty tightly in conversation. It allowed him to draw his arm back discreetly, wiping at the moisture building beneath his eyes.

Breathe, Max. You can do this.

For once, the archer was grateful for his noble upbringing. He engaged them both mindlessly for a time, smiling and nodding at all the right pauses. He managed to keep it together long enough to excuse himself at the first opportunity.

Max ducked into an empty tent, clamping a hand over his mouth as the sobs rose up to choke him. He couldn't believe this. He hadn't wept in years – hadn't dared to, but now, the tears crashed over him like a tidal wave. He fought to stifle the sobs, biting his lip so hard, he tasted blood.

Every impossible event since the Temple of Sacred Ashes all came rushing in on him at once. The Conclave. Waking in an unfamiliar cell—bound, shackled, blades at his throat. Accused of murder, when he'd never wanted to be there in the first place. This fucking hole in his hand, reminding him with every breath he took that he should be dead.

No one would care if he was dead. The Inquisition only did because he could close rifts.

And yet, there had been something in Toby's eyes, in his trembling smile. In the way he held Max, as if he were afraid to let go. He wasn't sure what, didn't have much to compare it to. But there had been something.

Was this what it was like to feel loved?

He had no idea how much time passed as he sat there, helpless tears streaming down his cheeks. Eventually, however, voices drifted in from outside the tent, and he froze, breathless. Terrified.

“Something I can help you with, friend?”

Varric. Had the dwarf heard his cries and come to investigate?

Another voice – Tobias – chuckled, though it sounded strained, even from inside the tent. “I seem to have misplaced my brother. I don't suppose you've seen him, by chance? Answers to Max. Herald of Andraste...or so I'm told.”

“Can't say I have. I'll tell him you're looking for him though.”

“I appreciate that, Serah...”

“Varric. Just Varric, no 'Serah.' Makes me sound too respectable. I have a reputation to uphold.”

Max didn't hear Toby's reply – didn't care, either. A few more moments passed before Varric slid inside the tent, securing the flaps shut tightly behind him.

“He's gone. You can relax.”

Max exhaled shakily. When he'd finally gathered the courage to drag his eyes up to meet Varric's, he found only compassion in the dwarf's gaze.

Varric rested a hand on his shoulder, voice soft. “You okay?”

“I...yeah. Thank you.” He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his tunic. “Maker, you must think I'm pathetic.”

Varric scoffed. “Why, because you were crying? I'm surprised it took as long as it did. I was actually starting to worry.”

Max sniffled. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Kid, you fell out of the sky with a hole in your hand, then became the next Andraste. Not crying about that at least once seems mildly unhealthy.”

Max scoffed, accepting the handkerchief Varric offered with a bit of skepticism. He didn't understand how the dwarf could be so comfortable with such a raw display of emotion. If anyone found him like this back home, he'd never hear the end of it.

Varric shook his head. “You do realize you bottle things up tighter than an apothecary, right?”

Max released a watery chuckle. “Where I come from, that's kind of a mandatory skill.”

Varric sat across from him, patting the ground beside him. “Wanna talk about it? I'm a good listener.”

Max hesitated, but in the end, did as he was told – he scooted across the tent next to Varric, wrapping his arms around his torso. The words spilled from his lips so quickly, it was almost alarming.

“I was sent to the Conclave because I'm expendable. I didn't think it would matter much to my family whether or not I died there. They might mourn me in their own way, but behind closed doors. Definitely not enough to come check on me.”

Varric eyed him knowingly. “And now your brother is here: traipsing through demon-infested shit-country to get to you.”

Max nodded emphatically. “Through the mages, and the templars, and...there's a fuck ton of demons, Varric! Why would he brave demons?”

Varric hummed. “Sounds an awful lot like what someone who loves you would do.”

“I know.”

“And you don't know what to do with that.”

“No. No, I don't.” Max's heart hammered in his chest, threatening to burst straight out of it. He was so anxious, he thought he might actually throw up. But some part of him felt liberated, spilling his guts to Varric – to anyone – like this.

“They don't do 'feelings' back in Ostwick, I take it? This must be weird for you.”

Max shrugged. He tried to smile. “What can I say? You have one of those faces.”

Varric chuckled. They sat together for a time, Max struggling to compose himself. When he thought he had a tight enough handle on his emotions again, he turned to the dwarf.

“How do I look – are my eyes red?”

Varric gazed into his face. “Maybe a little, but I wouldn't worry about it.” The dwarf patted his shoulder.

“I'm a Trevelyan, Varric. We always worry about it.”

“Well, don't. You're fine.”

“If you say so.” Max grimaced, worrying his lip between his teeth. “And Varric?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

The dwarf smiled, regarding him kindly. “Any time, kid.”

“And please don't mention this to anyone. Especially Toby.”

Varric mimed locking his lips, then throwing away the key. “This never happened.”

“I guess I should go make an appearance, before Cullen misses me and organizes a search party.” Maxwell winced, standing up and straightening his clothing. “You sure I look okay?”

Varric laughed, giving him a little push toward the entrance of the tent. “Stop worrying! Nobody gets lynched for taking a few minutes to themselves. Nobody has to know what you were doing.”

“Ugh, you're right.” Max blew a breath between his teeth. “This is stupid. I'm going, I'm going.”

Max could still hear Varric laughing behind him as he left. He smiled, shaking his head as he went. Crying made his head hurt, but there was some part of him that felt oddly relieved. That was new.

He made his way through Haven to the Chantry, waving to a few passersby as he went. He figured if everyone was going to gather to fret over him, it would be there. Max stopped just outside the war room, hearing voices issuing from within.

“....and I must again apologize for the way you were treated upon arrival, Lord Trevelyan.”

Josephine's voice, with mild irritation.

“Please don't trouble yourself. I'm relieved your men seem to take my brother's safety so seriously, Commander Cullen. I could have been the King of Ferelden, and your man wouldn't have budged.”

“I stand by my orders, and my soldiers who follow them. There are many who would claim relation to the Herald, only to get close to him. We've had a few such claims of late. It worries me. I've tried posting a guard on him, but he won't hear of it.”

Max rolled his eyes, taking that as his cue to enter. “Cullen, for the last time, I do not need a bodyguard.”

Josephine, Cullen, and Tobias were all seated around the table; the maps had been put away, likely to hide their movements from the stranger in their midst.

“I don't think I agree.” Tobias frowned, looking back at Cullen. “Have there been attempts on his life?”

Cullen crossed his arms over his chest, a furrow in his brow. “Not yet, but it's likely to happen. And without him, we've no one to close the rifts. It makes him a very high-profile target, even without the Divine's murder hanging over his head.”

“I've brought plenty of men with me, I could easily assign some of them to his command, if he'll allow it.”

Max bristled. “No, he will not allow it. And if you could please stop referring to him in the third person, he would very much appreciate it.”

Tobias held both arms out in front of him, in a placating gesture. “Now, now, Maxwell. Don't be daft. We hardly went anywhere unescorted back home. I don't see how this is any different. Quite to the contrary – guards seem more prudent than ever.”

“Just because I'm suddenly important to you, doesn't mean my feelings on the matter have changed! The people who have joined the Inquisition sacrificed everything to be here. I will not be seen parading around the encampment with a personal guard, like some fragile little lordling. You came here to see for yourself that I'm not dead, and I'm not. I'm still alive. You can stop feeling guilty. It's a little late for you to start caring what happens to me now that I've already died once.”

Tobias flinched. A secret, ugly part of Max was pleased by that. Josephine and Cullen exchanged an uneasy glance – this conversation had just gone deeper than talk of theoretical bodyguards, and they all knew it.

Tobias got haltingly to his feet, rubbing a hand over his face. “My...sincerest apologies, friends, but might I have a moment to speak with my brother alone?”

Josephine rose with a grace that Max admired, even under the circumstances. “Of course. Please, make yourself at home, my Lord Trevelyan. And again, welcome to Haven. I will be in my office, should you require anything.” She took Cullen's arm and all but dragged him from the room, shutting the door, and locking it behind her.

Max took a shaky breath, unable to look his brother in the eye. “That...wasn't what I wanted to say.”

“But you did mean it.”

Maxwell's silence was all the answer Tobias needed. He sighed, bowing his head.

“I...know I haven't been the best brother to you, Max, or even a good one, but...hearing what happened at the Conclave...” Toby's voice cracked. “It broke me. I never knew I'd so thoroughly understand the phrase: 'too little, too late.'”

Max jerked his head up, heart in his throat.

“Then I heard about the Herald of Andraste, and I thought I might have a chance to make things right.” He released a bitter chuckle, shaking his head. “That sounds rather more self-serving out loud than it did in my head, but it's true. And few things have ever shamed me quite like hearing you'd died, never knowing how much I loved you.”

Max jerked back, as if he'd been slapped. “You can't mean that.”

“What, that I love you?”

Max covered his mouth with his hand; there it was again. I love you. Words he hadn't heard in over a decade. When he dared to glance up at Tobias – vision blurred with tears – the shame he found there was staggering.

“I do. I'm sorry I've ever given you cause to doubt it.”

Max managed to make it to a chair before his knees buckled – he collapsed heavily into it, trembling, head bowed. A Trevelyan was steadfast, strong. They did not break. They did not falter. They did not fall to pieces at their brother's feet over a simple four-letter word.

Tobias crouched in front of him, taking his chin in his hand. “I love you.”

A sob tore from Max's lips – he couldn't help it.

“I love you. I'm sorry.” Toby's voice was thick in his ear as he leaned forward, taking Max into his arms for the third time that day. “I'm so sorry.”

Max clung to him. Part of him wanted to pull away – to run, hide. Find a hole and bury himself in it. The younger, more selfish part, never wanted it to end. How many nights had he hidden under his covers, feeling alone and unloved, wishing for this exact thing? For someone, anyone, to give an ounce of a shit that he was alive? He wanted to be something to someone – something other than the third Trevelyan son, or Matthew's youngest brother.

Now he was. If Tobias was to be believed, he always had been. Didn't Max deserve to bask in that, even just a little?

“Now about those bodyguards...” Tobias said it in all seriousness, though there was a note of teasing in his tone.

Max sniffled, with a watery chuckle. “The answer is still no.”

“All right then, how about this?” Tobias pulled back far enough to gaze into Max's face. “What if I followed you around?”

He blinked. Of all the things he'd expected his brother to say, that hadn't been one of them. “Why would you do that?”

Tobias rubbed the bridge of his nose. “To protect you, dear heart. That is typically what a bodyguard does, is it not?”

Max blinked at him, perplexed. “You can't be my bodyguard. Are you insane?”

“Whyever not?” Tobias sighed. “Humor me, won't you? Let me look after you.” He reached out again, tracing the puckered scar running along Max's jaw. “Might make up for the times I didn't.”

Maxwell winced, knowing precisely which time he was referring to. “That...wasn't your fault.”

“I certainly didn't do anything to stop him.”

The archer smiled hesitantly. “Yeah, but you did punch him in the face before you left, so...we're even?”

“I was tempted to do more than just that, believe me.” Something angry and dark crossed Toby's expression – Max had never seen it there before.

The younger man rubbed his scar. He remembered the event with a bit of discomfort: gritting his teeth, trying not to panic at the sight of his own blood. Matthew, pale-faced and shaken, looking as young as Max felt. True, things had become even worse between them after that, but still...

Max averted his eyes. “I don't think he actually meant to hurt me.”

Toby crossed his arms over his chest. “That isn't at all the point. I'm getting off track, though. Come now, little brother. Let me protect you. I'm good with a sword, no one will think oddly of an older brother tagging along with his younger, and it eliminates the need of that personal guard you're so worried about.”

The argument sounded so earnest, almost pleading, that Max caved, with a little sigh of defeat. “Fine. But you get to tell Josephine. She might actually have a stroke. Cullen will be pleased, though. He's been making the bodyguard argument since I got here.”

“Oh, I know what you're thinking. I'm not father's 'heir,' I'm the spare, it'll be fine.” Another thought seemed to occur to Tobias. He rubbed his chin, pensive. “Of course, I probably can't be with you every second of the day. We'll have to establish a rotation with someone else, for my off hours.”

Max scowled. “Don't push it. I agreed to you, nobody else.”

Tobias laughed. “All right, all right, but I'll convince you yet.” He wagged a finger at Max. “For now, I'll take what I can get.”

Max shook his head, exasperated, as Tobias led him out of the room, one arm behind his back.

All this touching made Max a bit twitchy, truth be told. He half expected their father to round a corner, and ask what the bloody hell they were on about. Public displays of affection weren't a thing Trevelyans did – not even casual ones.

But Max had always wished things were different. Somehow, Tobias realized this. He smiled at Max, if a bit awkwardly, but did not break contact. His heart soared.

They ran into Varric outside the Chantry, looking very pleased with himself. The dwarf inclined his head toward Max, addressing Toby. “Found your missing person, I see.”

“Indeed.” Tobias smiled. “And I won't be letting him out of my sight any time soon, if this Herald of Andraste business is as dangerous as I'm hearing.”

“I'll drink to that. No really, drinks later, 'Herald's Rest,' on me.”

Toby raised an eyebrow. “You have a tavern named after you?”

Maxwell's cheeks grew hot. He averted his eyes. “I asked them not to do that.”

Varric laughed, slapping Max's calf. He turned his head back toward Tobias, a question in his gaze. “You sticking around?”

“So long as he'll have me.”

Varric seemed pleased. “Glad to hear it. He's a good kid – needs people on his side.”

Maxwell huffed. “What is it with you people, and talking about me as if I'm not here?”

The dwarf smiled, shaking his head. He turned his gaze not on Max, however, but Tobias.

Both men were taken aback by the intensity with which Varric fixed his eyes on the older Trevelyan. “I'm a professional younger brother myself, so I know how it feels, not being able to rely on someone who should have your back. Do us both a favor, and don't let him down. I'm an easy-going guy. I'd hate to have to do something about it.”

Maxwell's jaw dropped.

Tobias pursed his lips, regarding Varric with something akin to respect. After a few heartbeats, he nodded, his reply somber. “I will certainly try my damnedest.”

“Good answer. Diplomatic, but honest. I like it. I think we're gonna get along just fine, Your Lordliness.” Varric paused, frowning. “No, not quite. I'll have to work on it.” The dwarf walked back down the stairs toward his customary place by the fire, waving over his shoulder as he went.

Tobias blinked owlishly. “I think he just threatened me.”

“I...” Max blew a breath between his teeth. “I don't know what to say. Varric isn't the threatening sort. I've never seen him do that before.”

“I like him.” The older man nodded decisively. “What combat experience does he have? Do you think he'd be amenable to providing me with a few references?”

“Maker's breath, tell me you're not actually recruiting right now.”

“Of course not, dear heart. I'm wounded you would think so. We settled on myself only for guard duty at present. I haven't forgotten. I'm merely being proactive about the future, you understand. Does he have any guard experience, by chance?”

“Toby!”

Tobias laughed. Maxwell groaned, unable to stop his answering grin. All this fussing over him was jarring, certainly, but...

He could definitely get used to it.

[impalaanddemons]

One Jump - Part 5

A/N: Less mutual pining. Time spent alone. Time spent running. It’s a murdering heat here, so I blame every spelling error on that (pls call me out if you see something especially atrocious)

Story: Reader grew up on a planet that’s basically Tatooine in Star Trek. She’s a thief and tried to steal from the wrong Starfleet-Officer, getting herself stuck on the Enterprise.

3500 words. @eufeme now definitely rubbing off on me

Soundtrack is “Leaves in the Wind” by Voltaire

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

The transporter beam set you down just outside the city - sand and wind almost immediately clawing at your clothes and gripping for your hair. You coughed and looked around until your eyes found Mr. Scott. You grinned up to him.

The captain had sent someone this morning to do a bit of clothes shopping for the two of you - with Scottys starfleet uniform he’d stuck out like a sore thumb with where you planned to take him. Now he was clad in a simple shirt, dark brown trousers and good leather shoes. A shawl hid most of his face from the dust. You had your hair tied together and wore a similar outfit. You knew it was all a bit too tidy and neat and expensive, but at least tidy would only be a matter of time.

„Let’s get inside, Scotty.“ you said, pulling your own shawl closer around your face. „It’ll be better once we get inside the city walls.“

Much as a counterpart to your time on the Enterprise it was you that lead the dance this time - and he was committed to follow you. What a stark contrast this was - being on that sterile ship, that steel behemoth in one moment - and then in the blink of an eye you were back with the ground beneath your feet, real gravity pulling at your muscles. Familiar scents crept up on you and made you feel like home in an instant. There were spices in the air and warm sand. The faint smell of the scotsmen next you and the overwhelming sensation of a thousand people living and breathing here. A small weight seemed to fall of your heart - no matter how bad you had it down here, you knew this place and it’s nooks and crannies better then anything. The chief engineers voice rumbled next to you as you walked down the main street without any apparent goal: „What’s our plan, lass?“

„Headin’ home,“ you answered and prompted him to follow you, „see if anybody’s ransacked the place while I was on vacation“ - that was a word you’d never used before. How fast people changed. How fast you had changed in only a couple of days.

„Ya got a flat here?“

„Sort of.“ you glanced up at him and smirked. „Now let’s go.“

To Mr. Scott it turned out that ‚flat‘ was an understatement in that it was more of a house. ‚Yours‘ , on the other hand, was an overstatement as it was more or less just unattended by it’s current owners.

The furniture was run down and old, white sheets covering whatever you didn’t need or use and dust collecting in corners and behind doors - the place had certainly been neglected since it’s old owner died. That was until you had discovered the place - hidden away from the usual fuss of this city in a quiet corner where people seldom walked past it was perfect for your endeavors and much better then the occasional bridge you had slept under. Not to mention that one time you had taken shelter in an abandoned sewer. The smell still haunted you in your darkest nightmares.

„Welcome at my place, Mr. Scott. Make yourself welcome.“

His gaze was wary at best, lingering here and there. He did not talk, but followed you quietly inside.

„There’s a kitchen.. or a bath, you kinda decide.“

He nodded slowly, still not saying anything. Perhaps the way you lived - primitive in comparison to the luxuries on the starship - shocked him? You tried sneaking glancing at him now and then, but he was unreadable to you as long as he wanted. Whatever he felt or thought hidden behind some stoic scottish demeanor.

„And upstairs there’s a place to sleep.“

Something upstairs thumbed and you felt your ears perk up. Ah yes.

„That..“ you began, just as your best friend stumbled down the stairs with a loud ‚Oi!‘ „Is my best friend, Keira.“ A grin spread across your face and dared separate the lower part of your face from the upper part as soon as you saw her.

She was huge for a woman - at least 6.2. A strain of long black curly hair fell into her face as she jumped down the stairs and she put it back behind her ear in an negligible fashion. A smile tugged at her lips while  her face wore an equal expression of surprise and curiosity. Her eyes were dark pools with a faint light in them - as if stumbling upon water in a cave with the sunlight straying in unexpectedly. She was a ray of sunshine trapped with you on this planet between dust and mold.

„Where’ve you been, Y/N? I thought Butcher got you.“ barely hidden relief tainted her voice as she spoke up.

„He did,“ you snickered and flung yourself into her arms, hugging her close. Yes. This felt like home. The one and only home you ever had.

„It’s a long story, i’ll tell you everything later. I promise.“

„You better do. If Butcher and that cardassian slime worm Malik hear you’re back again…“

You interrupted her with a dismissing wave of your hand, instead nudging with your head into the direction of your starfleet companion.

„I have seen him. I’m not blind, Y/N.“ she rolled her eyes, then crossed her arms in front of her breasts.

„Montgomery Scott, Ma’m.“, for a second you thought he’d salute, but then he just bowed gently. That man was completely wastes on this planet. On you. A hint of bitterness rose somewhere in your brain but you pushed it back as fast as it had appeared.

„Good gracious gods he’s starfleet.“ her gaze flickered over to you. You shrugged unapologetically. „You’re into starfleet types now?“ - „Am not.“ it was your turn to roll your eyes, instead of answering going to wander off to a basket of stale bread that seemed left from yesterday.

„Then you won’t mind, if I…“

A hard gaze from you shut her up in an instant, but only for a second and to take a deep breath to laugh.

„Of course.“, she turned around to Scotty: „Well, Scott, welcomein the forgotten corner of the galaxy.“

Your plan was easy. Go into the auction house where they stored ‚whatever-it’s-round-and-shiny‘-Type-D, steal it, deliver it to the arranged meeting point and say goodbye to Kirk and his Enterprise.

The captain’s plan however, was not that easy, and he and the rest of his trim virate seemed intent on making this one the one you had to follow: Get into the warehouse, at the time of an illegal auction, disguise yourself as potentials buyers and buy the damned thing. According to his first officer this was the safest way to acquire said item.

You disagreed, of course, and an hour long discussion broke out until Kirk had sided with his first officer.

Something about breaking into an illegal warehouse with illegal wares acquired by criminals being too dangerous.

„That’s … ambitious.“ Keira stated cautiously after you’d informed her of the overall idea.

„If anything goes wrong, Captain will beam us out in an instant.“, Scotty leaned back in his chair carefully, his face stern and thoughtful. You glanced his way, remembering with a flash of hot red blood to your cheeks his stern and less thoughtful face from the night before. The low rumble of his voice at your ear and his lips on your hair. Concentrate, Y/N. You’re gonna get yourself killed.

„I don’t see why they don’t get you out like this anyway.“, Keira threw you a side eye.

„Something about starfleet regulations“ you answered, ignoring her pointed look.

„And now where’s my role in all of that?“ she lumped her arm over your shoulder and leaned closer. „What can I do for you and Scott?“

You chuckled and nudged her head against yours.

„Get us time, date and entrance to the next auction. I know you can do that.“

You felt Scottys eyes like a physical presence lying on the two you and suppressed a giggle.

„I can do that. But you have to promise me to be careful.“

„Aren’t I always?“ you exclaimed in mock hurt before laughing.

„No. Just no. Anything but … no.“ she shook her head and stretched in her chair, her arm loosely around your shoulder.

„Mr. Scott“, your usual partner in crime directed her next word at your new partner in crime, a lot more stern then before: „If you don’t bring her back in one piece, you’re gonna have to answer to me.“

„I’d never let someone hurt her.“, he said, his voice and eyes surprisingly soft.

„You’ve got it bad for him, eh?“, Keira whispered into your ear when you accompanied her to the door.

„Yeah. No. He’s nice. But. No.“ you replied, blushing.

„Sure, sure.“, she waved and laughed and was gone a moment after that.

The dark haired engineer still sat in his chair in your kitchen when you came back, feet stretched out on the sandy ground beneath the table and leaned into it comfortably. He watched you as you walked in, expression unfazed. „Ya know when she’ll be back, lass?“, he asked. Two long strides brought you over to his chair. You cocked your head. „At least two cycles on this planet. Which should be 3 days on your ship.“ He raised his eyebrows in an expression of surprise. In fact he looked so surprised that it made you burst out with laughter.

„What. You thought they were waiting for us with that auction? We should be glad if they haven’t sold your whatever in the meantime.“

A small smile tugged at his lips at that and he unfolded his arms in front of his chest. The engineer stretched out his right arm and beckoned you to come closer - a gesture you gladly agreed too, closing that last distance and stepping over his legs. He slung his arm around you as you straddled his lap, his own smile now mirroring on yours.

„Mr. Scott, I wouldn’t have expected that from you.“

„Aye“, he answered and leant forwards to press a hushed kiss on your lips. „We all have our little secrets, lassie.“

„How are we two possibly going to pass the time, huh?“, you whispered, gently moving your hips against his, lips tasting his warm skin.

Keira didn’t need two cycles, but four in total. Which accounted to 6 days on the Enterprise.

Six days of her dropping in on occasion, leaving you with food, new clothes and bits of information.

And six days of Scotty reporting to his Captain on your progress.

But also six days of you two laughing and talking. Six days of entangled limbs on entangled sheets. Six days of getting lost in earnest dark eyes, searching your face for something. Something you didn’t know or he didn’t find. Or maybe he did find it and just didn’t talk about it. There were six days to spend together were you offered him to just go back to the ship, you’d call whenever you were ready, but he was determined to stay although you knew how anxious he was about his ship. You would forever remember how his calloused fingers felt when they touched the soft skin of your thighs. The little kisses he planted on your neck and his soft whispers at night. He was a gentleman to the bottom of his heart - a bit old fashioned at times but good natured and likeable. And every day made you dread the moment Keira would return with news of the auction.

It was at the evening of the sixth day when Keira practically leapt into the house, remarked „Glad you’re dressed this time“ with a hushed voice as soon as she saw you and closed the door behind her a little bit too fast.

Shrugging unapologetically you grinned at her, but that grin faded fast.

„Any news?“

„Good and bad“, she responded and tore the shawl from her face and a coat off her shoulders.

„There’s a auction tomorrow evening. I got the password, the location, you just need to bring the money.“

„Brilliant!“ Scotty said, straightening up in his chair.

„Yes.“ Keira stretched that word a little too much. You had been working with her for such a long time, you knew something was up. Catching up on your raised eyebrows and concerned expression, she shook her head ever so slightly.

„It’s the slime worm. He knows you’re back.“

You let out the ugliest ‚Ugh‘ in human existence - if someone had emptied a bucket of maggots right over your head you couldn’t have been any more disgusted.

„Lass. May I ask what yer problem with him is?“

„He’s got some mad delusions about me owing him money.“

„Your ‚lass‘ here“, Keira began, much to your general annoyance, „had been on a run with him a while ago.“

„Oh, that was three months ago!“ you exclaimed. „Really. There’s not much to it and he is clearly overreacting.“

„I can only imagine“, mumbled Scotty deadpan - which prompted a chuckle from Keira.

„Maybe I got a bit carried away with dividing the loot in my favor, but that is surely nothing to hold a grudge over.“

„He wants to fucking murder you,Y/N.“

„As I said, Scotty, completely overreacting.“

Despite your ardent affirmation of Malik ‚slime-worms‘ utter madness you somehow got the impression that Keira and Scotty were silently but amicably siding against you.

„Does he know we’re here?“, you asked instead of delving into the topic further.

„Sadly - yes.“, as if there was a secret prompt you didn’t know about there was a tumult a little down the street - some shouting and bellowing. Voices a tad bit too strained for your taste. A bit too familiar too.

„Shit.“, you summarized, jumping into action immediately.

„I know where we’re gonna go. Scotty. Grab your stuff we’re outta here through the back door.“

Scotty was fast and efficient but obviously uncomfortable, grabbing his phaser from the table and hastily gathering the few belongings he had down here. The both of you needed less then a minute - needless to say the increasing volume and general direction the noise was taking helped a great deal along to get the two of you up to speed.

„Backdoor, backdoor.“ you muttered, grabbed his hand and led him past the kitchen into an inconspicuous storage room.

„This shelf here.“, you braced your shoulder against a dusty old thing that looked like it would fall apart by being looked at and started to push. It was surprisingly heavy, probably because it was screwed to a reinforced hidden door. The engineer pushed you away - ‚out of the way, lass‘ - and opened it within seconds. Keira used the opportunity to push a crumbled note into your hand and peck a kiss on your forehead. „Be careful.“

You smiled and opened your mouth to say something as fists knocked heavily on the front door. The backdoor closed behind you and for a second darkness engulfed you and Montgomery Scott.

As your eyes slowly attuned to the sudden absence of bright daylight it became obvious that the path in front of you was neither as dark as Montgomery Scott had first thought, nor as abandoned as it had seemed by the heavy going door.

„Keira and I have used this way occasionally to get in and out for jobs“, you whispered and started heading down the path. Scotty did not try to get any more details of the jobs you were referring too - he’d probably not wanted to know anyway.

He simply stated: „Yer livin’ dangerously.“ and left it at that. You were not sure wether you could feel a faint bit of judgement in his voice.

That’s why you answered: „It’s not easy living here, you know, Scotty“ and felt like an idiot the second after you had muttered your rebuttal. He said nothing and although it was not pitch black and you could comfortably make out the path before you, it was too dark to read the features on his face next to you.

„Keira and I… grew up without parents. There’s not much of a job here for you if you got no one and once those in charge know your face, it’s over for you anyway.“ you babbled on, listening horrified to yourself as you spilled whatever your brain wanted to make clear to him without as much as a second thought.

„And…“ you stopped dead in your tracks in a moment, looking up at him. You gritted your teeth. „Well, it’s not like any starfleet officers come down here to collect orphans from the street.“ that last sentence felt completely uncalled for and bitter and like acid on your tongue. You took a deep breath and brushed past him, but his heavy hand landed on your shoulder within seconds.

„Lass.“, he began and before you could say anything else: „Y/N.“, softer now, careful again like in the beginning when you still had to get to know each other. „I dinnae judge ya. Ya’ve had it bad down here. I understand.“, he took a deep breath. Now he was the one gently pushing you forward, not forgetting the threat that was quite possibly behind you. „I wasnae there, ye know. Never been an orphan.“ he pushed you around a corner, his hand still heavy on your shoulder. „Maybe .. if ye want… ye can come aboard the Enterprise. Ye’r smart. Ye’r quick with yer fingers.“

The both of you came to a sudden halt before a door and you stared up at him. For a moment every thought of danger was pushed away by a sudden feeling of hope - and then crushing guilt as you thought of Keira. Leaving her behind? You turned away from him and pushed the door open, stepping into a dark room - only illuminated by a few rays of light sneaking it’s way through the cracks of a wooden door over your heads. A staircase made of sandstone. Boxes scattered lay on the floor with silken clothes draped over them as if dismissed. „Let’s go upstairs“, you said, carefully closing the door behind you and giving him a wry smile. „And,“ you said and turned around for a second, „please let me do the talking, Scotty.“

The room you entered had all the telltale, a bit over the top cliché signs of a brothel: Dimmed lights and red silks, cushions, drinks and men and women in barely any clothing at all.

„Y/N!“ bellowed a voice through the room, startling more then one person - yourself included. It took you a moment to process the hulking figure coming over to you before you could exclaim: „Theri! What a pleasure to see you! How long has it been?“

The huge hulking figure turned out to be the largest Andorian Montgomery Scott had ever seen - the color of his skin like a lagoon at night and features that looked as if they were cut out of a tree stump by an untalented carpenter.

„20 cycles.“ he seemed unimpressed by your jovial behavior.

„Yes, yes. Far too long.“

„Or too short.“, he stopped only a few inches in front of you, his chest nearly touching yours. You had to crane your neck upwards to look into his face. You had always had the impression that his antenna were watching you like a second pair of eyes. A very very very odd and slightly disturbing pair of eyes, to be quite honest.

„What did she do?“ - the question was out of the chief engineers mouth faster then you could step on his food - which you did anyway and earned you a short yelp. Theri on the other hand looked downright gleeful.

„We agreed on never talking about it again, if she never turned up again.“ he said, his eyes still locked with yours.

„Look, Theri. We’re both reasonable people.“

Both him and Scotty snorted.

„Well, you are a reasonable person and you know I’m gonna make it up to you. The whole… incident here. It’s not gonna happen again, you know.“

He clicked his tongue.

„Whatever you’re planning…“, he began, the look of a man on his face that was weighing his options on how to best get rid of an impudent rat he found in the kitchen, snout in his dinner.

„I want half of it. Over the next half year.“

You suppressed a groan, but nodded.

„Okay, okay, we have a deal - we have a room for the night?“

Scotty opened his mouth as if to protest and you nudged him hard in the ribs. Theris eyes moved over to the engineer for the first time during your conversation, giving him a quick once-over before shrugging it off.

„You pay extra for additional services. And no stunts.“

TAG LIST! 

@webhoard @inaugural13 @thebloody3agle @sassymissmyra @flowerbunbunny @anotherotter @theleonardmccoy @thewalkingdeanisdanielhowell @dirajunara-archive @mustanglegends @elinanve @gracieinanovel @noodledragonoverloard @newhappiness430 @ambie2020 @trashcan-to-end-all-trashcans @biologik

[crunchbites-muscle-structure]

Just Business [Andyoming]

hi guys this is my contribution to rarepair week xoxo

ship: andy x wyoming

tags: modern au, office au, new york city, hints of flyoming, flyoming shot down, fluff

thnx pls enjoy!

17 Mar 2014

Mr. Flowers,

I would be well inclined toward a meeting on the 24th to discuss these business ventures more in-depth. The company contains a room suited perfectly for meetings such as this, private and well-designed, where we could perhaps meet. Please inform me what time that day would work best for you.

Best Regards,

Mr. W.Y. Reginald

Freelancer Pharmaceuticals

---

20 Mar 2014

Dearest Reginald,

I am pleased as punch to receive your email! Your plan sounds perfect, and we will meet on the 24th at 6:30 p.m. I have one single qualm with your original idea, and that is that I live by the rule of always mixing business with pleasure. I would quite like us to meet at Crunchbite on South Avenue. I’d be pleased as punch to see you there!

Stay sunny,

Captain Butch Flowers

Blood Gulch Pharmacies, Inc.

---

Reginald most definitely wasn’t “pleased as punch” at his correspondent’s response. He didn’t do dinner dates; he did business. The other businessman’s file had indicated a history of professionalism, competence, and economic strategy to woo billionaire’s- Reginald needed this man as an ally, and the company needed a partner. He drummed his fingers against the wood of his desk.

He had read and reread the email several times over the past four days, and the time came now that he was called to action.

With a sigh, he rose from the desk and left his office, locking the door behind himself. He greeted Connie in the elevator, and then stepped out on ground floor, leaving behind the delicate hums and rhythms of elevator jazz. The bronze-hued lobby clicked by under his polished black heels and then the summer humidity of a New York evening greeted him. Taxis and honking horns filled the streets, noise pollution and crowds assaulting his senses as soon as Reginald entered the sweat-inducing street. He grimaced and moved to his town-car; his driver awaited him already, having been alerted to the impending meeting. Honestly, Reginald mentally bickered as he headed out, what sort of businessman suggested a place called “Crunchbite” as a place for meetings of financial significance?

As the driver greeted him with niceties and entered the rambunctiousness of New York City traffic, Reginald changed from his striped work suit-jacket to a finer fabric, and swapped his red tie for a black one. He combed his hair in the mirror and withdrew a fine-toothed mustache comb from his wallet to groom his mustache. By the time they reached South Avenue, a finer man had readied himself to court a company.

He asked his driver to return in an hour and a half, as he couldn’t see any reasonable business meeting or restaurant taking longer than that. His driver left the area, abandoning Reginald to whatever fate might await him.

Inside the building, Reginald spoke to the host and found a reservation waiting for him. He was led to his booth; on the way, he found the restaurant slightly less atrocious than he’d expected. Dark hardwood floors, indigo tablecloths, fine art- mostly abstract oil paintings of outer-space or aqua-themed scenes- along the walls. Perhaps he could justify carrying a briefcase in here, even if it wasn’t the finest of dining establishments.

However, his night- and this correspondence- took another unwanted twist:

The man at the booth most definitely wasn’t Butch Flowers.

He was beefy, more muscle than fat; wore a green button-down with a mustard stain on the sleeve and jeans that faded around the cuff; his dark blonde hair was tousled and ungroomed; and his general expression left one with a feeling of distinct unpleasantness. He barely spared the menu relief long enough to glance up at Reginald.

“Hey, how ya doin’? Name’s Andrews, go by Andy. Mind if I call ya Reggie?”

Reginald swallowed the urge to clear his throat and forced himself not to side-eye the stranger as he sat down. “Reginald, if you will. If you don’t mind my asking, where is Mr. Flowers?”

“Flo couldn’t make it. Reginald, is it? You got it, Reggie.”

“I-” Really need this investment. Reginald forced his composure and requested a wine as a waiter approached for the drink order. He turned back to Andy. “I’ve got the proposal ready for signing, if you would like. It’s separated by distinct clauses and sub-clauses; I thought you could go through, put an X on the parts you disagree with-”

“Flo would have to sign it, you’re shit outta luck either way,” Andy said. “I’m just here to pick up your briefs and get a free dinner. Ask you a few questions on Flo’s behalf. That kinda thing. And you’re obligated by societal convention to put up with my ass for an hour.”

Reginald-

Reginald hated him.

But if this man could be frank, then so could Reginald. It was clear this was some sort of- some sort of joke, a practical joke or a prank or something equally devious and unwanted, and if the other company would try to ward off Reginald by sending this pissing git for a business meeting, then Reginald would fight the good fight. He might lose the trade agreement, but his pride was more important anyway.

“I’m not obligated by a single bloody thing to tolerate that attitude for the next hour,” Reginald said. “You’ll find me not the type to tolerate unmannered twats any longer than absolutely necessary.”

“Well, I’m not the type to deal with twats too much, either! Let’s call this a date, shall we?”

Reginald had always been known for blood pressure problems. Tonight just might be a new record for speed.

He looked up with a glare ready, the devil in his eyes to spew fire at this sack of piss and vinegar- but when he met Andy’s eyes, the stranger bounced his eyebrows at him and cast a surprisingly charming grin his way.

“What d’ya say? Haven’t been on a date in a while. Might be nice. I’ll still be a piece of shit, but maybe you’ll gain something out of joining me.”

I hate him, Reginald thought. Hate him with all my bloody might. And I regret this already.

“...Very well. But first, we discuss business.”

---

The night shifted surprisingly quickly from blood-pressure-raising to wine-induced jokes and horrible rudeness and only the pettiest of insults. The merlot danced on Reginald’s taste buds, granting an appealing grace to Andy’s features and tone. The business aspects of the evening were quickly completed, with Andy taking the folder containing the proposal and contract. Signing would be done in person a week from that day, at the office, after Flowers had the chance to look over the contract.

By the time they’d finished eating, Reginald had discovered Andy lacked a ride home. On the pretense of their date continuing, as piss-poor as it was, Reginald still offered the rude yet somehow charming fellow a ride home.

He held the door of Crunchbite open, now seeing Andy’s beefiness in a much more appreciable light, mostly courtesy of the merlot. They entered out into the night and Reginald slid into the town-car. Once the driver had re-entered, they started off again, toward Andy’s address.

Reginald had crafted a careful persona in the presence of those who knew him from business, or who had met his business associates. Even his driver had never seen him short of polished, pompous, and refined. Tonight, however, in the presence of tongue-loosening Andy, Reginald let that persona slip- for a half-hour, Reginald’s driver saw a much louder, much ruder, and altogether much less polished version of Reginald.

They reached the complex where Andy lived, and Reginald excused himself briefly from the towncar to see his new acquaintance safely to the door. They reached the fourth floor before Andy withdrew a key from his pocket and entered it into the lock. He opened the door and turned to Reginald.

“And you sure you can’t stay a while? Maybe kick up some sheets, muss up that mustache?”

Reginald laughed and then his face flattened. “No one fucks with the stache.”

“I can dig it,” Andy said. “Always had a bit of a thing for pompous assholes with good mustaches.”

Andy stepped closer to Reginald and Reginald met the tawny eyes. “Perhaps someday we’ll get further than the doorstep.”

Reginald stepped closer as Andy said, “We could now, if ya not a coward.”

This prompted something competitive in Reginald but he quashed it. Practicality still spoke more loudly than merlot. “Some other time. But for tonight…”

He leaned up and touched his lips to Andy’s. The other man’s meaty hands pulled him closer. Reginald’s hands found Andy’s chest as teeth met his bottom lip. A gasp cut from him, sharp, as Andy’s teeth parted from his lips and lips mashed back into his. Reginald forced himself to press one last kiss to Andy and then step back.

“I’ll call you sometime,” Reginald said.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before.”

Reginald repressed the juvenile urge to roll his eyes and handed Andy his business card. “You call me, then. Goodnight, Mr. Andrews.”

“Night, Reggie.”

Andy disappeared through the door and Reginald returned downstairs and entered the town-car.

As they headed toward his penthouse, his driver said, “Mr. Reginald, forgive my interference, but you can’t possibly be serious about that one.”

Reginald chuckled.

“I’m afraid I”m only too serious about this one.”

[silkhyung]

MESSAGE DELIVERED | interim 1

→ Pairing: Jungkook x Reader / Namjoon x Reader → Genre: fluff, smut, angst, humor → Words: 2,659 → Rated: NC-17 → Warnings: language, sort of unintentional sexual innuendos

→ Summary: A text message sent to the wrong number turns into a long lasting affair between two people completely opposite one another. 

→ Note: Ok, so the interim parts are gonna be from Jungkook’s POV (to show how intertwined their lives are without them knowing) and I hope you remember the last paragraphs from the first part since they kind of hold significance in an early conversation in this one lol. Thank you for reading, hope you enjoy! :) 

(Also, these parts aren’t that important really (but this one is). They’re mostly because I love to write from everyone’s POV to make things more complicated lmao I’m sorry)

Parts: 01 : interim : 02 : 03 : coming soon

cr.

jungkook pov

━ 10:11pm Quick question Is it socially acceptable to just get up and leave a discussion? Maybe punch someone on the way out?

It takes a little bit of courage to send it, but when he finally lets his thumb press the send button and the message flies away with a sort of satisfying whoosh, he smiles and pushes it down the pocket of his tight jeans. He thinks it’s a little ridiculous, but it feels nice to message her again. It’s been three days after all.

He’s at Yoongi’s place with the rest of the band, and even though he gets glares from all of them - including their producer and owner of the apartment, Yoongi - for interrupting their heated discussion about promotions for the new song, the prominent smile on Jungkook’s face still can’t be erased as he fiddles with his fingers in his lap, waiting patiently for an answer from the stranger he still hasn’t figured out why he’s messaging in the first place.

“We should tell the bar we’ll play a new song, make them advertise it as the premiere of it”,  lead singer Jimin says, pretending to know things about promoting when literally all he knows is how to sing, crush on guys he can’t have because they’re straight poles and show a shoulder every now and then on stage to get the crowd going.

Yoongi rolls his eyes while crossing his legs elegantly. “That bar isn’t popular enough for that.”

“I agree”, Seokjin says, scrolling furiously on his phone as only a manager can. “We should find a more popular one for that, and you guys also need to step up your game on stage.” 

He gives Jimin a pointed stare that has the younger guy smiling awkwardly. 

“I saw the first person leave just fifteen minutes into your first set and even though they were wearing the most atrocious yellow cap I’ve ever laid my eyes on that I can’t help but think they just generally have bad taste, the point still stands.”

“Yeah, I noticed that, too”, Jungkook adds in, feeling the need to at least pretend he’s engaged in the conversation concerning the future of his band. He actually did notice that. “Awful cap.”

The sound of a text arriving in his phone makes the whole room turn to him to give icy, annoyed glares, and he apologetically nods while clicking off the sound on his phone. All of them continue the discussion while Jungkook focuses on his phone instead, not paying any attention to the rest of them.

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:13pm Are the other grandpas giving you a hard time? Maybe arguing over which board game to play before the inevitable afternoon nap?

Subconsciously, Jungkook smiles wide at the message, staring at the words for a few seconds before shaking his head at her. She has humor, and her teasing sarcasm is quite refreshing after hanging around Seokjin and his either flower power speeches or rude remarks about the band’s image on stage, which is mostly zoomed in on Jungkook and Jimin since Taehyung is sleeping on the couch.

━ 10:14pm Ur hilarious Pls note my sarcasm It’s vital for my dismissal of your comment

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:15pm LMAO You talk like a grandpa What proof is there really for me to know you’re not?

And then his smile dies a little, because what proof did she really have he wasn’t a creepy old man trying to eventually lure her away like any other internet troll? And how would he know she wasn’t the same, or worse? Yet still, he throws the thoughts away as quickly as they appear and promises himself he’ll be careful if it ever comes to that. For now, though, he is just going to enjoy talking to her.

━ 10:16pm Good point BUT I know who 1d are The fact that I know i can call them 1d should be proof enough tbh

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:18pm Nd so I believe you Maybe What’s up?

“Jungkook.”

Whatever he had been intending to write to her gets interrupted by Yoongi’s stern voice, stealing his attention away from his phone. The skinny producer is leaning forward in his seat on the couch, elbows on knees and hands locked together under his chin.

“What do you think about all this?” he asks the youngest in the whole room - whole group of all their mutual friends actually - and Jungkook knows it’s just to be a dick because they all know he hasn’t actually listened to a damn word any of them have said during the last twenty minutes.

“Oh, I, uh”, he begins a little uncertain, playing with the lip ring he got done just a couple of weeks ago. “I agree with Seokjin.” Nodding towards the eldest in the room, he gives another uncertain smile. “We should do as he says. He’s our manager for a reason, after all.”

Before he returns his attention back to his phone, he catches Jin’s proud nod, Yoongi’s roll of the eyes at the obviously disinterested answer and Jimin’s suspicious glare. He sees how the lead singer is about to say something and for some reason Jungkook just knows it’s about who he’s texting, but luckily Taehyung - who’s still asleep on the floor in front of the TV - fake-snores loudly and conveniently interrupts him before Seokjin starts cursing over how late their Chinese takeout is.

━ 10:19pm I’m sort of in a meeting And I’m bored af

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:19pm I see And you want me to do what??

━ 10:20pm Idk entertain me?

It’s silent for a whole minute and he’s just about to put his phone away and pretend he needs to pee or something to get away when his phone buzzes again.

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:21pm I’m not very funny

━ 10:22pm I beg to differ

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:22pm Thnx Okay so how about we play a little game and u tell me what you first think of when I say peanuts?

He raises an eyebrow at that, wondering where the hell she’s going with this but decides to just answer honestly anyway.

━ 10:22pm Salty

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:22pm Ok and burgers?

━ 10:22pm Tasty

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:23pm I see Rice?

━ 10:23pm White Sticky

She hasn’t read his last one yet, so he locks his phone and lets it lie in his lap while he rests back in the couch, spreading out since Jimin got up to take a phone call from someone he deemed much more important than an inofficial band meeting.

He nearly jumps out of his own skin when she finally responds and he feels the device vibrate lightly against his thigh.

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:28pm Lmao Ur answers are hilarious In a way That I regret mentioning Moving on!!! What color comes to mind when you think of apples?

Jungkook can’t help but let out a loud laugh as he reads over her messages, laughing at both the awkwardness of them and the way she sent them away with such haste he must’ve received all six of them in under six seconds. 

He ignores Yoongi and Seokjin’s annoyed but curious glares and gets up to walk into the tiny hallway instead so he can ignore them even more. He positions himself right by the door behind the coats so Jimin won’t notice him when he walks out of the bathroom.

For some reason, Jungkook wants to keep things private and undisturbed with her.

━ 10:28pm Cute Apples? Green

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:29pm Right! Everyone else I know thinks apples are supposed to be red and I disagree Passionately disagree

He notices she ignored his first text, but lets it slide, instead focusing on the fact that she ‘passionately disagrees’ and he can’t help but smile like a fool.

━ 10:29pm Lol gotta love that granny Smith

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:29pm Ofc good ol’ granny Smith would fall to your grandpa taste

Once again he lets out a laugh because of her, shaking his head while typing faster than he’s ever done before to someone.

━ 10:29pm Ur hilarious

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:30pm Lol you must not know many hilarious people

━ 10:30pm Ur hilarious

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:30pm Ok So what do you do since you’re in such a boring meeting?

Sighing, Jungkook runs a hand over his face. He doesn’t want her to think badly of him for being in a band, because he sort of feels like she will if he tells her the truth. Instead, he tweaks it a little to his own advantage.

━ 10:31pm I’m a part time chef while figuring out my future on the side

That’ll do.

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:31pm So you can cook? Nice

━ 10:31pm Yeah but what about you? What are you doing right now?

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:31pm Can’t disclose the exact location cuz I’m currently in a ninja fight But I’m in the library

━ 10:31pm Weird place to hold a ninja fight

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:32pm Ikr? I thought it was sketchy when they called me in But seriously I’m in the library Killing nothing other than myself with this slow reading

And suddenly he wants to know everything about her. What does she study? Is she in college? How old is she? What subjects are her favorite? Where did she grow up? What’s her favorite movie? Color? Food?

━ 10:32pm So you’re a student?

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:32pm Yeah I guess But I feel like I’m wasting my time tbh

His reply gets cut off by the front door opening, and turning around, he’s met with the smiling face of Kim Namjoon himself, looking like he just ran a fucking marathon both with the way he’s panting and with the clothes he’s wearing, and Jungkook raises an inquisitive eyebrow.

“Ah, Jungkook”, he smiles, wiping away a few beads of sweat rolling down his temple.

“Hyung?” Jungkook mumbles, locking his phone and pushing it down the front pocket of his jeans. “Where the hell have you been? And why do you look like…” Another glance at the guy’s outfit has him shaking his head. There’s really nothing to compare him to at the moment. He just looks absolutely ridiculous.

“Oh this?” Namjoon smiles, pulling his weird jacket off and Jungkook marvels at how he can go from looking like the coolest song writer and producer to looking like a dork from a work out video from the 80’s just like that. “A friend of this girl I like was hosting a charity run at campus with some club she’s in, I think, and I had to participate to win points, you know, because I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“Is she hot?”

Jungkook receives an unimpressed glare over the question, yet a very honest answer. “Of course she is. Absolutely gorgeous. Amazing ass.”

“I can forgive your poor choice of clothing, then”, Jungkook smiles, clapping the shoulder of his hyung affectionately a few times.

“The theme was ‘That 70’s Show’”, Namjoon laughs. “I would never dress like this otherwise. She wasn’t there to see it, though.”

The continuation of their conversation gets interrupted by Yoongi yelling at them both angrily, telling them Namjoon is too fucking late again and if it is because of that girl he’s been crushing on like a wimp he can go hide in a ditch, that Jimin has stopped acting like a girl over his latest crush and that Taehyung is now awake, so they’re all ready for the real meeting to start. 

Oh, and they should bring beer.

Jungkook offers to get the bottles while Namjoon pays the delivery guy who conveniently enough appeared just in time. 

While he’s alone in the kitchen, he quickly fishes out his phone to throw his Beatles genius a quick text so she won’t feel like he’s ignoring her.

━ 10:35pm Hey I gotta go get a verbal beating from my hyungs rn Kidding it’s just serious business stuff So you kno im not gonna be available

He waits selfishly for a few seconds for a reply, but when Yoongi impatiently calls for that beer he wanted, he leaves his phone on the counter to not get distracted during the now official meeting and walks in with a deep breath. This is probably gonna take all night if he knows Yoongi right, which he does, so he steels himself for countless of beers consumed and inevitable arguments between everyone.

Band meetings are his least favorite thing about being in a band. It’s not that he thinks of them as unnecessary or boring - because they’re not - they’re just not the most ideal thing to be caught up in all night when he’s the guy who joined the band solely because he thought he’d be able to live like a true rockstar rather than a very poor guitarist trying to make it on YouTube.

“Okay”, Seokjin starts, clapping his hands together while looking like he’s preparing to murder someone. “Let’s start discussing the new record.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes and prepares for his defensive speech of how he’s just a simple song-writer that can’t pull a song out of his ass just because people want him to and Jungkook thinks about what his Beatles stranger is doing, if she’s still studying and if she might actually be his complete opposite.

He thinks about her a lot during the meeting, and Jimin is the only one ballsy enough to comment on it but everyone knows that’s just because he has a crush on Jungkook and has had one ever since he and Taehyung found Jungkook playing guitar in an awful band in a dingy bar in Busan all those years ago.

“Who’re you texting so much lately?” Jimin asks the youngest when everyone’s clearing out of the living room and it’s well past 2am.

Jungkook’s too tired to go into it - and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to - so he uses the easiest explanation he can think of. “Joy.”

“So, what?” Jimin mumbles. “Are the two of you a thing now? You know what Seokjin thinks about attachments.”

Jungkook wants to mention the fact Jimin always seems attached to someone.

“I know, and we’re not a thing”, he says instead. “She’s just a good lay.”

It takes them ten minutes to say their goodbyes because Yoongi keeps telling them to drive back safely before he keeps reminding them he wants them in the studio in just a few hours, while throwing in a threat or two about ditching them if they don’t show up on time.

When they all part ways, Seokjin and Jimin to their own places, Namjoon to the apartment he shares with someone the rest of them haven’t gotten the (dis?)pleasure of meeting yet and Jungkook and Taehyung to their own shared apartments, it’s even more late and Jungkook really feels like a walking dead.

It isn’t until the two of them have walked to Jungkook’s old piece of crap car that he fishes his phone out again to check if he has any new messages.

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 10:36pm Okay good luck or something I guess lol Try not to punch anyone!

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 12:01am This is maybe because I’m very tired But I kinda enjoy talking to you :)

━ Beatles Genius Y/N 12:03am It must be because I’m very tired But ur still hilarious Night lol

He reads over the messages several times, the smiley and the words all shining back at him from the screen, illuminating his face in artificial light where he stands in the dead of night outside his car.

“Hey, can you hurry up and get us home?” Taehyung complains from the other side of the vehicle, slapping the roof for emphasis. “I want to go home and sleep.”

And when Jungkook makes the thirty minute drive back to their shared apartment, he wonders if the sort of warm feeling in his chest is because of the fact he’s going to sing more in the band now or because of the last seven messages he received.

next part

[moviemagistrate]

2016 Movie Year in Review

All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.

Notes: 

1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.

2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.

3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.

91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.

This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.

This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.

If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.

Nice cinematography, though.

90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.

I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.

I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).

The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.

How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.

And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.

In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.

Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”

Or just punched in the stomach.

89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).

It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.

The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is…there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.

As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.

The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.

As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc…[REDACTED]

88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.

I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.

The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).

I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.

87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie cliché since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).

86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.

85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.

If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.

84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.

Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.

83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.

It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.

82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.

81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.

Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.

The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.

80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.

While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.

79. Lion

White saviors

Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor

A cute kid

A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)

A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)

A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture

Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor

Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements

An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,

A happy/emotional ending

“Based on a true story”

Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.

I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.

78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.

A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.

The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.

In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.

* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”

**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.

77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.

How prophetic that line turned out to be.

Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.

The Good:

Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row

The Quicksilver mansion scene

Nice visuals

Good soundtrack

The early scenes in Poland

The Wolverine cameo

The Bad:

Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”

Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in

The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting

Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.

Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax

Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie

For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto

For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.

I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies

It’s two-and-a-half hours long

The Funny:

Nightcrawler’s makeup

Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.

After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”

The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.

That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind

Coca-Cola product placement

Magneto destroying Auschwitz

76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.

There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.

75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way…

"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).

I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.

The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.

“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.

While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.

74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.

There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).

73. Zootopia – Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.

Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.

72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.

Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.

71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” cliché. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.

70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.

The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.

You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?

69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.

Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.

But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.

Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).

The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.

The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.

And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?

Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.

However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.

68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.

67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.

66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.

65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.

64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.

I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.

The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.

The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.

“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA�� scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.

If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.

The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.

I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.

63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.

62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichéd as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.

61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.

It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.

The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.

The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.

Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.

60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.

59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.

The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.

58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.

57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.

56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations…I’m sorry for that one.

55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.

54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards). 

The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.

53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.

The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.

I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.

52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.

51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.

50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.

49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.

The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.

It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.

48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.

47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.

One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.

Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.

Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.

46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.

45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.

Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”

Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.

The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?

I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.

44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.

43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.

The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).

The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.

42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.

As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichéd in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects.  The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.

If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.

41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.

40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.

The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.

The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.

39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.

I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.

However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi cliché that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.

Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.

Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.

38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.

Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.

37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.

The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.

In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)

It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:

- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE

- Don't write me off as a loss just yet

- They must be held accountable

- She's becoming a liability

- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man

- A character named General Ledger

I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?

36. Moonlight – Clichéd dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.

35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.

34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.

I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.

The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.

There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.

33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.

There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.

All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.

The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichés you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.

If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.

32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.

31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.

And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.

The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.

There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.

30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.

29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.

28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.

The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.

Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.

Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.

27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.

26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.

25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.

Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.

While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how…well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.

The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.

As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels…cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichéd characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.

Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.

24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.

23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander Skarsgård) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line Skarsgård says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.

22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.

I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.

The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.

The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.

Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.

21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).

The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.

The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.

The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.

I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.

Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.

20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).

The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.

This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.

My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in.  Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.

“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.

19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.

Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.

Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.

My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.

18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.

17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.

The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.

If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.

16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.

There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).

15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.

14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.

13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”

Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.

A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.

11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.

10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.

“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.

This film has pretty much every inspirational sports cliché imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichés instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”

But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.

9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.

8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.

7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.

Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).

There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.

It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.

6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.

The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichéd, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.

Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.

Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.

I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).

Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.

Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.

5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.

There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).

Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.

If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.

4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michèle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michèle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.

I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.

“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.

With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.

3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.

What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.

From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.

*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.

2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?

The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.

It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.

I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.

1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.

The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.

Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.

“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.

The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment 

Nominees:

 ·         Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

·         Jason Bourne

·         Passengers

·         Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

·         Warcraft

Runner-up:

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Winner:

Passengers

The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline

Nominees:

·         Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”

·         Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”

·         London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”

·         The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”

Runner-up:

The Dressmaker

Winner:

Elvis & Nixon

The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score

Nominees:

·         Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Justin Hurwitz – La La Land

·         Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

·         Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle

·         Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond

·         Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Shirō Sagisu – Shin Godzilla

Runner-up:

Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana

Winner:

Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane

The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance

Nominees:

·         Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

·         Auli'i Cravalho - Moana

·         Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street

·         Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch

·         Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Kim Su-an – Train to Busan

·         Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women

Runner-up:

Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Winner:

Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys

The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene

Nominees:

·         Athens riot – Jason Bourne

·         Beach drowning – Silence

·         Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War

·         Car chase – Operation Avalanche

·         Christmas dinner party – Elle

·         Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water

·         Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge

·         “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street

·         Epilogue – La La Land

·         Entering the ship – Arrival

·         “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana

·         Police station – Manchester by the Sea

·         Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

·         The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange

·         The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle

·         Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse

·         Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Runner-up:

Police station – Manchester by the Sea

Winner:

Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond

The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie

Nominees:

·         A Bigger Splash

·         Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

·         Doctor Strange

·         Hail Caesar!

·         Kubo and the Two Strings

·         La La Land

·         Moana

·         The Handmaiden

·         The Love Witch

Runner-up:

The Handmaiden

Winner:

Kubo and the Two Strings

The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson

·         Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen

·         Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water

·         Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

·         Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool

·         Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby

Runner-up:

Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone

Winner:

Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast

Nominees:

·         20th Century Women

·         Captain America: Civil War

·         Everybody Wants Some!!

·         Fences

·         Free Fire

·         Hail, Caesar!

·         Love & Friendship

·         Sing Street

·         Star Trek Beyond

·         The Magnificent Seven

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Free Fire

The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance

Honorable Mentions:

·         Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Ben Foster – Hell or High Water

·         Blake Lively – The Shallows

·         Chris Pine – Hell or High Water

·         Emma Stone – La La Land

·         Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge

·         Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

·         Joel Edgerton – Loving

·         Judy Davis – The Dressmaker

·         Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship

·         Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker

·         Kwak Do-won – The Wailing

·         Mahershala Ali - Moonlight

·         Ruth Negga – Loving

·         Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople

·         Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic

·         Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen

Nominees:

·         Adam Driver – Paterson

·         Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!

·         Annette Bening – 20th Century Women

·         Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea

·         Denzel Washington – Fences

·         Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

·         Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women

·         Isabelle Huppert - Elle

·         Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water

·         John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane

·         Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

·         Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea

·         Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash

·         Rebecca Hall – Christine

·         Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

·         Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool

·         ­Sharlto Copley – Free Fire

·         Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship

·         Viola Davis – Fences

Runner-up:

Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen

Winner:

Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

In regards to my final award:

The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.

My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.

The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.

The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits

Nominees:

Eddie the Eagle

Sing Street

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Everybody Wants Some!!

Moana

Runner-up:

Sing Street

Winner:

Eddie the Eagle

[anthonybialy]

Muck by the Handful

Do you feel more refined with a gold-tinged president?  That classy way we spend most of the day pursuing sewer fights makes life exquisite.  The question of how to take on Donald Trump is going to last his entire presidency, so at least stop getting freaked out by every tweet.  The only grosser thing is to let him lure you into his turf.  He assures you his lair is under the classiest manhole on Fifth Avenue.  You can see his name in fancy cursive if you look closely enough.

Big-government fans decided their archenemy is a big-government fan in one of those precious ironies they refuse to find amusing.  Liberals are so angry that they don’t even realize who agrees with them. They're bitching about tariffs hurting the economy that they’d adore if Trump were still more than a de facto Democrat.  Look who's into free markets now.

The worst part is how easy it would be to demean our president.  All contestants have to do is think clearly.  So, forget it.  The best way to defeat Trump is to turn on the microphone.  Let him say the atrocious thing you know he will if he gets rolling and it's done. But the urge to shout what a filthy moron he is always wins out.

Stop giving him a smirk by losing control of one's temper in the same way he started it.  People only remember the histrionic reply.  This would be much easier if any of the most prominent shriekers had better ideas than disagreeing with whatever the executive says. Rebelling against dad is the best way to deal with being 14.  Get a tattoo somewhere that's tough to cover with sleeves to really show that jerk.

Sigh louder at the notion combatants are winning by being as disgusting. The sort of liberals who slimed Mitt Romney shouldn't be considered inspirational.  Defeating the forces of evil by sinking as low as them will surely create no frightening consequences.

Forget the false premise that only Trump could defeat Hillary Clinton, as a grownup candidate would've put to rest the tiresome vote margin argument by closing it.  It's surely worth victory if it means believing in nothing other than vanquishing anyone wearing a different insignia.

Tearing down a building about to collapse is a waste of energy, especially if you're standing underneath the condemned structure.  Critics need to stay cool.  Instead, they routinely overheat.  Poor maintenance is always an issue while going full tilt at every moment.  But who can slow down when it's the only thing keeping New Mussolini from ruining what's left?

Calmness might help conjure a response more rational than screaming about fascism.  Everyone watching can sense who's sputtering with anger. Too many of those trying to humiliate the president are just matching him.  The notion that Trump is hilarious when he's riled up is killing comedy.  But yelling back isn't any funnier.

Remaining peaceful is tough when war is the default setting.  The present effort to stay calm is like trying to enjoy a Bud Light commercial. Look at keg sales and tell me taste is winning.  If anyone needs to learn the difference between what's winning and what's valuable, tell them to look around in 2018.

Trump is the prototypical role model for our kind and gentle society.  Up yours, you fat nerd.  Electing a professional internet troll president was inadvertently perfect.  His horrifying grammar reflects the notions he's trying to convey.   Taking the YouTube comment section to the White House has created the sort of respect we deserve.  Pretend it's a compliment.  The value of arguing with someone who's impolite on the internet has never been more apparent.

Someone else's anger doesn't have to affect you.  The secret to happiness is avoiding most humans.  But a world full of misanthropes isn't as peaceful as hoped.  Instead, loathing humanity maddeningly hasn't prompted individuals to go off on their own.  Most people lamentably seek out conflict for that delicate human touch.

You're wrong, I noted about everything.  The urge to point out someone else is incorrect dominates us.  But those who note when facts are iffy often look foolish.  People are mistaken so often that someone who notes it is resented for being a know-it-all.  Join everyone else in knowing nothing.

As for the most prominent example of thorough ignorance, Trump screws up the truth so frequently that it seems like he's doing so on purpose. Thinking he's planning ahead gives him too much credit.  That's the norm now.  Shrug and walk away, as being lured into a bitch-slap contest makes everyone with a facial handprint look bad.